In Your Dreams

In Your Dreams A Novel Amy Martin
In Your Dreams Copyright 2012 Smashwords edition Amy Martin
All rights reserved No part o! this "oo# may "e reprodu$ed% transmitted% downloaded% distri"uted% stored in or introdu$ed into any in!ormation storage and retrieval system% in any !orm or "y any means% whether ele$troni$ or me$hani$al% with e&press permission o! the author% e&$ept "y a reviewer who may 'uote "rie! passages !or review purposes (his "oo# is a wor# o! !i$tion and any resem"lan$e to any person% living or dead% or any events or o$$urren$es% is purely $oin$idental (he $hara$ters and story lines are $reated !rom the author)s imagination or are used !i$titiously
Cover image design "y nin*aMel Designs
(A+,- ./ C.N(-N(S Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 0 Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22
Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 A$#nowledgements -&$erpt !rom As You Wake 7In Your Dreams 829 A"out the Author
Chapter 1
/or as long as I $an remem"er% people have $alled me :;ip < And I don)t ta#e it as an insult% either Sure "eats my real name% ;ara% whi$h my mom thought sounded all #oo#y and e&oti$ and not li#e someone destined to spend her li!e in (itusville% Illinois% a!ter high s$hool And while I)m grate!ul !or her $on!iden$e that I)ll one day get out o! this lame town% :;ip M$=ee< !its me "etter :;ip< was one o! several goo!y ni$#names my dad dreamed up% than#s to the !a$t that when I started $rawling% I)d s$oot around the house so !ast my mom $ouldn)t #eep up with me A$$ording to my "a"y "oo#% :,ittle >uddin)%< :Sweet >ea%< and :Motor +utt< were some o! Dad)s other $reations% "ut !ortunately% :;ip< was the only one that stu$#% lasting even a!ter my parents split up when I was !ive +y then% everyone in town #new me as :;ip%< and outside o! s$hool% where my tea$hers insist on $alling me :;ara%< I)m willing to "et most people in town don)t even #now my real name In addition to my ni$#name% Dad also gave me a love o! "as#et"all% the sport he)d played his entire li!e "e!ore he "lew out his #nee in $ollege I)m a natural point guard than#s to my speed% "ut speed alone won)t help me lead my team to a $hampionship?I need s#ills .ne o! the s#ills I)ve "een wor#ing on lately% "eyond the usual stu!! li#e three@point shooting and running the o!!ense% is "etter $ourt vision Dad always says solid $ourt vision $om"ined with strong o!!ensive leadership gives point guards a #ind o! $lairvoyan$e I! I $an ta#e in the entire !loor and #now the set plays as well as my own name?or ni$#name?then I)ll see whi$h o! my teammates is open !or the "est shot almost "e!ore she sha#es her de!ender (his a"ility to read what people are going to do "e!ore they do it will hope!ully help me per!e$t the no@loo# pass? I)ll "e staring at the girl guarding me% "ut I)ll !eel some"ody)s open and whip the "all over
without the de!ender reading anything in my eyes I haven)t mastered the no@loo# pass yet% and when I wal# into s$hool on the !irst day a!ter winter "rea# to !ind most o! my teammates standing in a tight $ir$le having a meeting no"ody "othered to tell me a"out% I)m a little worried a"out my vision and leadership o!! the $ourt needing some wor#% too All the girls on the team get along% "ut I)m the only *unior on our starting !ive So while I)m the leader on the $ourt% seeing everyone huddled around Mar$y Aillette% our senior shooting guard% ma#es me wonder i! she isn)t trying to pull ran# on me or something :,anier%< I hear Mar$y saying as I approa$h ,owering the hood on my pu!!y $oat% I stand at Cassie New"aum)s el"ow and listen :(hey)re "oth *uniors < :Bhat)s upC< I as#% everyone turning to me at the sound o! my voi$e May"e my status as team leader isn)t under atta$# a!ter all :New students%< Mar$y says% !a$e !lushed with e&$itement She may "e "uilt li#e a typi$al "ruiser o! a women)s "as#et"all player?si& !eet tall and arms "igger than most people)s legs?"ut give Mar$y some gossip% and she turns into one o! those $ute little girls straight out o! a teen movie% all giggly and whispery and wide@eyed Der mother wor#s in the main o!!i$e% so Mar$y)s always the !irst to #now who)s "een suspended or "een $hosen !or this award or that honor +ut a!ter eleven years in s$hool with the same #ids% I already #now who)s pro"a"ly getting suspended on any given day% and the same group o! ten people seems to win all the awards and honors% so most o! the time% I don)t pay too mu$h attention to anything Mar$y has to say o!! the $ourt +ut $onsidering she)s !illing us in on the !irst new students to start s$hool here in !our years% !or on$e% I)m interested Ashley =eep% one o! the other *uniors on the varsity s'uad% "lurts out the o"vious
'uestion "e!ore anyone else :(hey)re twinsC< Mar$y sha#es her head :No (hat)s the weird part Mom said the guy)s older% so he should really "e a senior < :Awesome De)s slow%< Cassie moans% as i! she thin#s enough idiot guys already live in (itusville and we don)t need one more :.r may"e he hates s$hool%< I o!!er% "e$ause I thin# it)s un!air to la"el this guy :slow< when we don)t #now him yet (itusville)s small enough that i! someone de$ides you)re something and $an get other people to agree% you)re going to have a tough time $hanging minds later on :You #now% may"e he li#es to $ut $lass and get detention or whatever and he got held "a$# < (he other girls nod at my theory "e$ause it)s *ust as realisti$ as Cassie)s% although it)s pro"a"ly not any more !air (he delin'uents around here usually drop out a!ter *unior year and go one o! two waysE (hey either get a *o" at a gas station or !ast !ood pla$e out "y the interstate% may"e getting a A-D and attending the lo$al $ommunity $ollege later on% or they end up $oo#ing meth in one o! the *un# rental houses or trailers in the north part o! town "y the a"andoned re!rigeration plant and wind up in *ail at some point Aiven those options% "eing la"eled :slow< might not "e the end o! the world !or this guy% whoever he is :.r may"e his deal is none o! our "usiness%< I add aloud% e&pressing what I hope $omes o!! as disappointment over the !a$t we)re standing here trashing a total stranger And I laugh to mysel! that no one)s even "othered to say anything a"out the girl :Bait?there they are < Canda$e Dull points towards the doors !rom her position ne&t to Mar$y% whi$h would allow her to see people entering the s$hool "e!ore anyone else in the $ir$le Be all do a lot o! not@so@su"tle loo#ing at the !loor% the $eiling% and the walls as we shi!t into a
semi@$ir$le in order to get a "etter view o! the new #ids +y the time they)ve passed through the se$ond set o! glass doors and stopped in the entryway underneath the :(itusville FuniorGSenior Digh S$hool (ruth Donor Hespe$t < "anner in the s$hool)s navy "lue with gold lettering% we)re all stealing 'ui$# glan$es at them "e!ore averting our eyes as i! we)re interested in something else I raise my head !or a se$ond and noti$e !our other groups "esides ours standing around in the entry% all pretending not to $are and !ailing every "it as spe$ta$ularly as we are :.h% wow Che$# him out%< Cassie hisses% "ut loudly enough everyone in the group $an hear (he si"lings are tal#ing to ea$h other a"out something% and the "oy points in the dire$tion o! the main o!!i$e :De loo#s li#e +rad >itt%< Canda$e mum"les% stealing glan$es at him through a $urtain o! red hair :Brad PittC< Mar$y somehow manages to shrie# and #eep her voi$e at a whisper at the same time :+rad >itt)s% li#e% a million years old < :Not +rad >itt now% stupid Ao rent Fight Club and you)ll totally get what I)m tal#ing a"out < :Bell% the girl loo#s li#e a ni$e person% I guess itt? approa$hes the new"ies +rad)s our Student +ody >resident% !oot"all and tra$# team $aptain% and the type o! all@around de$ent guy who would do his presidential "est to wel$ome the new students +urying my hands in my $oat po$#ets% I wat$h as he sha#es the girl)s hand !irst and then her "rother)s% engaging them in what I assume is a :Bel$ome to (itusville FuniorGSenior Digh ,et me #now i! I $an answer any 'uestions !or you< sort o! $onversation (he three hold polite smiles% and there)s a lot o! nodding going on And I noti$e +rad $an)t ta#e his eyes o!! the girl
:Bell% anyone $an look ni$e%< Cassie points out% pro"a"ly an automati$ re!le& a!ter years o! :stranger danger< le$tures "e!ore we got to high s$hool Sure% the girl $ould seem normal% "ut in reality% she)s pro"a"ly a serial #iller loo#ing to ma#e one o! us her ne&t vi$tim :+ut I guess she is #ind o! pretty% though%< Cass admits% allowing hersel! a three@se$ond stare As +rad tal#s to her% the girl !ingers the end o! a *et@"la$# "raid slung over her shoulder% and her eyes?the same deep "lue as her s#i $oat?pop out against her pale s#in (urning my attention to her "rother% I de$ide I have to give it up to Canda$e% "e$ause i! you tilt your head *ust right and s'uint% the guy #ind o! does resem"le a young +rad >itt without the tan Dis s#in is *ust as pale as his sister)s% and his short hair)s a little dar#er than +rad >itt)s% lending some authority to Canda$e)s Fight Club +rad >itt des$ription "e$ause I thin# his hair was #ind o! "la$# in that one Bhile this guy)s got a similar s'uare *aw line% his nose shatters the +rad >itt image as it)s "igger and !latter than your average movie star nose I)m guessing he must have "ro#en it at some point "e$ause it reminds me o! my dad)s nose% whi$h $aught an el"ow during a pi$#@up game the summer "e!ore he started $ollege +rad gestures at the main o!!i$e and the trio head inside as the warning "ell sounds% provo#ing groans all around !rom our little group (he seniors among us shu!!le out o! the lo""y toward their !irst@!loor lo$#ers% while Cassie% Ashley% and I wal# upstairs to the *unior hallway% where I nestle into my !avorite seat in the "a$# $orner o! Mrs Darvey)s Advan$ed -nglish $lass >eople loo#ing at me without my #nowledge is sort o! a pet peeve% so I)m a "a$#@o!@the@room #ind o! girl whenever possi"le :.#ay% every"ody Settle down < Mrs Darvey shushes us a!ter the "ell :.ver the "rea#% you were supposed to read the !irst three $hapters o! To Kill a Mockingbird So !or todayI< Someone #no$#s on the $lassroom door% and when Mrs Darvey $rosses !rom her des# to
answer% the low murmur o! unsupervised students immediately starts to "u""le up "ut $omes to a dead stop as the mystery si"lings enter the room :Class% we have some new students *oining us%< Mrs Darvey announ$es% as i! we)re too dum" to !igure that one out on our own :(his is =ieran ,anierI< She nods at =ieran% who stands $losest to her .n $ue% he ta#es his hand !rom his !ront *eans po$#et and gives the $lass a 'ui$# wave hello :And =ayla ,anier < =ayla !lashes a "lin#@and@you)ll@miss@it smile :Bell% i! the two o! you $ould !ind seats and we)llI< Mrs Darvey stops short% realiJing the only seat le!t in what)s one o! the s$hool)s smaller $lassrooms happens to "e right in !ront o! her :.h% well% I)m so sorry%< she apologiJes% "lushing a little as i! she)s an em"arrassed hostess and the ,aniers are guests in her home :(here)s a $hair in the "a$# that)ll have to do !or today% un!ortunately I)ll tal# to the $ustodial sta!! a!ter s$hool a"out getting another des# in here < She nods in my general dire$tion at a !olding $hair leaning against the "a$# wall a"out a !oot !rom my des# Bithout a word% =ayla slides into the !ront des# and shoves her "a$#pa$# in the spa$e underneath% while =ieran shu!!les along ne&t to the windows% head down and hands in his hoodie po$#ets% eventually passing ne&t to me and $ontinuing "ehind Dis "a$#pa$# hits the !loor and the low s'uea# the $hair releases as he un!olds it ma#es me !lin$h :So% To Kill a Mockingbird < Mrs Darvey pi$#s up where she le!t o!! :I)d li#e !or us to do a thin#@pair@shareI< Bonder!ul (he thin#@pair@share Be)ll spend a !ew minutes writing on some aspe$t o! the reading we !ound interesting% trou"ling% $on!using% or whatever% and then we)ll pair up with someone and tal# a"out what we wrote "e!ore Mrs Darvey randomly $alls on pairs to share their
dis$ussion with the entire $lass% getting to as many people as possi"le "e!ore the "ell rings I swear we do this every other day% and I)m starting to wonder i! Mrs Darvey #nows any di!!erent tea$hing te$hni'ues "e$ause she did this a lot in /reshman -nglish% too :I)d li#e you to $hoose some aspe$t o! the reading you !ound interesting and write !or !ive minutes% e&plaining why it was so interesting to youI< I)m already s$ri""ling my thoughts a$ross an empty note"oo# page No sense in waiting !or her to !inish :And then I)ll as# you to pair up with someone to dis$uss I! you !inish "e!ore time)s up% you may sit 'uietly and read =ayla and =ieran% I)ll "ring $opies o! the "oo# to you while the others are writing < Mrs Darvey moves a"out as we write% retrieving two $opies o! To Kill a Mockingbird !rom the metal "oo#shel! at the !ront o! the room and wal#ing over !irst to =ayla and then to =ieran% her pumps tap@tapping on the !loor as she travels I !inish my response with a"out a minute to spare and spend the remaining time pretending to read sin$e I)ve read the "oo# several times already Bhat I)m really $on$entrating on% however% is the !a$t that some guy I don)t #now is sitting "ehind me% pro"a"ly staring at my "a$#% ruining the se$urity I usually revel in when I sit in the "a$# o! the room Hea$hing over my shoulder% I smooth the strands o! my dar# "londe ponytail "e!ore letting my hand travel to the "a$# $ollars o! my long sleeved shirt and the short sleeved one that I)m wearing over it Aood?my usually wayward hair is as tame as it)s going to get and my tags aren)t sti$#ing up I smile at mysel! !or "eing so stupid New Auy pro"a"ly isn)t paying any attention to me I! anything% he)s reading% trying to get $aught up >art o! me wants to turn around% while part o! me is a!raid that i! I do% he)ll $at$h me loo#ing to ma#e sure he isn)t loo#ing at me and he)ll thin# I)m totally lame
:.#ay% everyone?pair up%< Mrs Darvey $ommands I hate this part% and today% with two new people to throw o!! the dynami$% pairing up is more o! a pain than usual Fanie Masters% who)s sitting ne&t to me% turns her des# away to wor# with Corey Souther on her other side "e!ore I $an as# to "e her partner I lean !orward to tap Hi$# Matthews on the "a$#% "ut "e!ore I $an% a hand on my shoulder prompts me to turn around New Auy)s smiling at me% and when I glan$e over at Hi$#% he)s already s$ooted his des# $loser to De""ie Solomon and is lost to me as a partner% at least !or today :I)ve read the "oo# a million times It)s one o! my !avorites%< New Auy tells me when I turn my des# around% as i! he !eels the need to $onvin$e me that he)ll "e a worthy dis$ussion partner I $rane my ne$# to !ind he)s written a paragraph in his note"oo#% the margins de$orated with several little sun"urst doodles% "eams sna#ing !rom the round suns li#e Medusa)s hair :Yeah I love it% too I read it !or the !irst time when I was% li#e% eleven% I thin# < :Don)t most s$hools read To Kill a Mockingbird around eighth or ninth grade or somethingC< New Auy as#s% #eeping his voi$e low as i! he)s a!raid he)ll "e insulting Mrs Darvey% the s$hool distri$t% and the entire town o! (itusville i! anyone else hears him :Bell% that)s (itusville !or you Be)re always at least two years "ehind on everything% Advan$ed Funior -nglish in$luded In !a$t% our town motto is K(itusville?*ust a little less advan$ed than everywhere else) < I intend to $ra$# a smile so he #nows I)m sort o! #idding% "ut he)s already laughing "e!ore I $an% revealing a set o! teeth even whiter than his pale s#in :Aood to #now And your name isIC< :;ip M$=ee < Dis "row wrin#les% !or$ing his nose to s$run$h up towards his eyes : i!C Your name is ;ipC<
.#ay?this is di!!erent Bith so !ew new"ies around here% I don)t remem"er having to e&plain my ni$#name to anyone "e!ore :It)sIit)s not my real name%< I stammer :I !igured -ither that% or your parents are really interesting people < :My parents are pretty interesting% a$tually%< I say% re$overing !rom my em"arrassment :+ut K;ip) is what everyone)s always $alled me < :+e$ause o! your great love o! Jippers% o! $ourse < Now it)s my turn to laugh :"o +e$ause I)m !ast < :So you)re a runnerC< De leans !orward to rest his el"ows on my des# :Sort o! I play "as#et"all% so I run a lot I)m not on the tra$# team% though?not that they haven)t tried to tal# me into it +ut I)ve always "een a Kone sport only) #ind o! girl < :=ayla)s a runner%< he says% nodding toward the !ront o! the room where his sister has paired up with Cathy Davie (heir des#s are angled sideways *ust enough so =ayla $an #eep an eye on her "rother She sends me a !or$ed smile and leans "a$# in her des# to glan$e at =ieran% her !a$e rela&ing a "it on$e she)s $aught sight o! him :Sprint or long distan$eC< I as# when I turn to him again :Distan$e < :Cool%< I say :(he tra$# team starts wor#ing out in late /e"ruary i! she)s interested < :I)ll let her #now < De !lashes a $roo#ed grin% the le!t side o! his mouth slightly higher than the right% and shi!ts the $onversation away !rom his sister :So% ;ip M$=ee% what aspe$t o! the reading did you !ind parti$ularly interestingC< :Should I *ust read what I wrote or?< :Yeah%< he says% eyeing my note"oo# s$rawl :-ntertain me <
:.#ay < I ta#e a deep "reath and "egin revealing my not@'uite masterpie$e :(he aspe$t o! last night)s reading that I !ound most interesting was how May$om")s edu$ational system !ails its students% "ut in di!!erent ways Miss Caroline shows her ina"ility to understand her students through her dealings with Balter Cunningham and +urris -well% "ut her "ehavior toward S$out also displaysI< =nowing that when you read aloud you should loo# up every on$e in a while to gauge your audien$e)s level o! interest% I do so and dis$over I)m !ailing to entertain him as re'uested =ieran)s right el"ow teeters on the $orner o! my des#% his head tilted and propped up "y his !ist ?i! he)s not asleep% he)s pretty $lose% his eyes loo#ing li#e little more than slits with eyelashes protruding !rom them :Am I "oring youC< De doesn)t move I lean !orward and wave my hands "a$# and !orth a millimeter !rom his !a$e Nothing :DeyC =ieranC< I snap my !ingers ne&t to his ear?still nothing De)s a pea$e!ul little oasis% an island o! $alm% snooJing away as i! he)s home in "ed and not in the "a$# o! a $lassroom !illed with the "uJJ o! $hattering students I de$ide to try one more thing to wa#e him up% even though I)ll pro"a"ly piss him o!! "y doing so Sitting up straight% I draw my right hand "a$# near my shoulder and then push !orward% leveling a rough "low against =ieran)s le!t shoulder +ut rather than *er#ing awa#e and yelling at me% his head slips !rom his !ist to his "i$ep Dand sha#ing% I rea$h out to his raised upper arm% "ut instead o! responding to my tou$h% his !ingers remain "alled into an immova"le !ist% his s#in !eeling sti!! and $old on my !ingertips
(he term rigor mortis pops into my head
Chapter 2
#h$ m% &od% I thin# Wa% to go$ i!'he(s dead You killed the new kid +ut howC Did I literally "ore him to deathC :LmIMrs DarveyC< Mrs Darvey)s standing over a pair o! my $lassmates in the $enter o! the room% and% a!ter hearing my voi$e% she turns around% instantly springing to my side upon seeing =ieran slumped !orward on my des# :.#ay .#ay%< she starts% sounding every "it as rattled as I !eel A slow tidal wave o! $on!usion spreads throughout the $lassroom% and students start to gather around !or a "etter view o! what)s going on +e!ore I)m $ompletely surrounded% =ayla "arrels her way to =ieran)s side :Be need to get him to the nurse%< Mrs Darvey announ$es% shooting =ayla a loo# that seems to as# )ight* We need to get him to the nurse$ right* =ayla "o"s her head and glan$es at our $lassmates standing around him :Yeah LmI we)ll need some people to #ind o!% li#e% $arry him < Doug Callahan and Cody Dull% "oth de!ensive linemen !or the !oot"all team and the two "iggest guys in the room "y !ar% step !orward to o!!er their servi$es Cody s'uats ne&t to =ieran and tells Doug :Yo% man?get his other arm%< as he rea$hes out to =ieran)s right side =ayla and I "oth open our mouths at the same time% "ut Cody has the pleasure o! e&perien$ing the surprise I had a !ew minutes ago "e!ore either o! us $an warn him :.h% my Aod < Cody "oun$es "a$# up to his !ull height as i! tou$hing =ieran gave him an ele$tri$al sho$# :Dude)s totally sti!! < :Yeah I thin# you)re going to have to li!t him out o! the $hair li#e he is So may"e one o! you $an rea$h under his arms and the other one $an li!t at his #nees%< =ayla suggests in a
whispery voi$e with all the emotion o! someone instru$ting !urniture movers on the "est way to $arry a $o!!ee ta"le Cody gra"s =ieran "y his armpits% while Doug "ends and grasps him near his an#les and the two o! them li!t his "ody as i! he)s !roJen in pla$e% whi$h I guess he "asi$ally is =ayla sprints to the !ront o! the room% and Cody and Doug dodge des#s to haul their $argo out into the hallway with =ayla !ollowing (hose o! us who remain in the $lassroom stand in silen$e% e&$hanging wide@eyed #ka%'what the hell* glan$es :Bell%< Mrs Darvey "reathes :,et)s get this room "a$# together% o#ayC Be)ll share what some o! you have written while we still have time le!t < Sure .#ay +e$ause whatever happened with =ieran totally didn)t happen and this is *ust another "oring day in Advan$ed Funior -nglish My $lassmates and I ro"oti$ally arrange the des#s "a$# into their neat rows and Mrs Darvey starts $alling on pairs to share% "ut than#!ully doesn)t $all on me .! $ourse% I)m no longer part o! a pair% or may"e she)s ignoring me% the Duman Heminder that one o! her students *ust got himsel! $arted o!! to the nurse !or reasons un#nown -ither way% I)m more than happy to "e le!t alone to $on$entrate on wondering what the hell went wrong with the New Auy Did I do somethingC Is he si$#C I e&amine the !ingertips o! my right hand% ru""ing my thum" a$ross the s#in near my !ingernails Did he in!e$t me with some virusC Am I going to pass out without warning% tooC :Ne&t two $hapters !or tomorrow%< Mrs Darvey sings a!ter the "ell sounds% pulling me "a$# out o! my head I drag mysel! to the hall% the noisy $haos "etween $lass periods ma#ing everything seem normal again +ut as I raise my hand to my lo$#er handle% I dis$over I)m sha#ing% whi$h isn)t normal at all A!ter steadying mysel! and gra""ing some "oo#s% I stum"le downstairs to the $a!eteria
!or study hall% the re$alled image o! Cody and Doug li!ting =ieran as i! they were moving a statue $louding my vision Bhen I "lin# "a$# to reality% I $at$h the !ew people who have already arrived to study hall eyeing me with a strange mi& o! !ear and pity% leaving me !eeling li#e a girl in a horror !ilm who has no idea some guy with an a&e is $oming up "ehind her >art o! me $an)t "elieve people #now already% "ut most o! me realiJes that "ased on the siJe o! our s$hool% news o! my lead role in the =ieran ,anier (ragedy $ould already "e (itusville)s +ig /rea#ing Deal !or today No one spea#s to me% pro"a"ly a!raid that doing so will $ause them to !reeJe in pla$e and have to "e $arried o!! to the nurse I slin# away to a $orner ta"le "y the windows% hoping to "ury mysel! in some trigonometry review !or the ne&t !orty minutes Bith se$onds to spare "e!ore the "ell% someone slides into the seat ne&t to me so hard that she $rashes into my shoulder% and I raise my head to meet Cassie)s smiling !a$e :Deard you "ro#e the new guy No one had even gotten a $han$e to play with him yet < I)m apparently going to "e !amous !or (he =ieran In$ident until the ne&t +ig /rea#ing Deal happens% so I surrender and go along with the *o#e :Heal shame% too < I smir# at her :De seemed $ool (his is why I $an)t have ni$e toys% I guess < :No #idding +ut% seriously?I ran into Cody on the way in here and he said the guy #ind o! passed out or something Bhen did you develop so mu$h power over guysC< :I ha+en(t I)m pretty sure I had nothing to do with it .ne minute he)s normal and the ne&t he)s out $old and all sti!!% li#e he)d "een dead !or hours < :So i! he wasn)t over$ome "y your stunning "eauty% then what do you thin# his deal isC< Cassie as#s as I snort at her gross overestimation o! my loo#s :Don)t #now% "ut something)s de,initel% wrong with him < My mouth $urls into a
sar$asti$ grin :So he)s a hot guy with issues?totally your type < :Not i! he)s going to pass out on me all the time < Cassie twirls a "runette lo$# !rom her ponytail around her !inger :You $an #eep him < :(han#s You)re a real !riend < :No pro"lem And he)s %our ne&t door neigh"or% anyway% so I thin# you should go !or itI< My head *er#s "a$# involuntarily :Bhat do you mean% he)s my ne&t door neigh"orC< Cassie sighs li#e she always does when I as# her a"out something she assumes is $ommon #nowledge :Dis !amily "ought the M$Ca!!ery pla$e You didn)t #nowC< My mom and I live in a small house my grand!ather "uilt on his land% land whi$h used to "e part o! the M$Ca!!ery !arm -rwin M$Ca!!ery sold his !armhouse and a portion o! his property to my grand!ather a"out thirty years ago so he $ould "uild a "igger house !or his growing !amily on the !our a$res he had le!t Mr M$Ca!!ery died last year% "ut rather than move his own !amily out !rom town% his oldest son Fimmy put the house up !or sale and let the !ields go !allow I saw moving vans pull up to the M$Ca!!ery pla$e last wee#% "ut I *ust assumed Fimmy had given up trying to sell and de$ided to move in :Mar$y mentioned it "e!ore you got here this morning I guess their dad)s going to run the $ounseling $enter at Sumner College%< Cassie says% re!erring to the li"eral arts $ollege lo$ated in its namesa#e town a"out !orty@!ive minutes away Sumner has a $ute downtown with "ars% anti'ue stores% and $o!!ee shops% as well as e&pensive new houses and pro&imity to a mall? "asi$ally% everything (itusville doesn)t have and pro"a"ly never will :So% sin$e he)s $onveniently lo$ated and everything%< she $ontinues% !lashing a grin dren$hed with evil% :may"e you should thin# a"out hoo#ing up with him It)d give you
something to do at night "esides homewor# < I groan% sensing another Cassie New"aum s$reed over my so$ial li!e?or la$# thereo!? $oming on :I don)t get why you have to study all the time < Cassie says stud% as i! it)s some nasty rash she)s *ust dis$overed on her "utt :You)ve "een num"er one in the $lass !or% li#e% ever < :Bhi$h is because I study so mu$h See how that wor#sC< :.h% my Aod?you)re su$h a gee# You #now% you need some serious !un "e!ore you wa#e up and high s$hool)s over Bhat)s the point o! "eing valedi$torian i! you didn)t en*oy getting thereC< :I)m not a gee#%< I insist through a "reathy laugh :Ma#ing the grades I need to go to a good $ollege and "low o!! this stupid town doesn)t ma#e me a gee# And not wanting to drin# "eer in some"ody)s "asement every wee#end while some loser I)ve #nown sin$e we were in diapers tries to paw me "e$ause he doesn)t have anything "etter to do doesn)t ma#e me a gee#% either% $ontrary to popular opinion < :Bhatever%< Cassie says% sha#ing her head :It)s not m% !ault all there is to do in this town is hoo# up% get drun#% and do meth And I don)t do meth% soI< Bith a heavy sigh% I turn "a$# to my trig te&t"oo# Cassie pulls her Intermediate -nglish te&t"oo# !rom her "a$#pa$# and starts struggling through )omeo and -uliet% whi$h I o!!i$ially read in /reshman -nglish and uno!!i$ially read when I was twelve She rests her $hin on her hands and sighs every !ew minutes% pro"a"ly "ored "y the play and !rustrated with the language% #nowing her Distra$ted !rom $osines and tangents than#s to Cassie)s drama 'ueen a$t% =ieran ta#es over my thoughts again% the phantom sensation o! his stony s#in tingling on my !ingertips .#ay (hat)s it I have to !ind out what)s wrong with him
I shove my te&t"oo# and note"oo# in my "a$#pa$# and stand up :Bhat are you doingC< Cassie as#s :(he period *ust started < I answer with :I)ll "e "a$# soon%< "e!ore I wal# over two ta"les and plop down a$ross !rom our study hall monitor% who?lu$#y !or me% given what I)m a"out to as#?happens to "e Mrs Denton% head $oa$h o! the girls) varsity "as#et"all team :Coa$h < :Bhat $an I do !or youC< she as#s% taping a pile o! papers with a red pen :I thin# I need to go to the nurse < :You o#ayC< Coa$h s'uints% wrin#les at the $orners o! her eyes deepening as she $on$entrates on me I)m guessing I loo# pretty healthy% "ut even the suggestion that I might "e si$# would "e $ause !or $on$ern given that we still have a !ew wee#s le!t in the regular season I open my mouth% not #nowing e&a$tly what to say% "ut Coa$h)s eyes spring "a$# open to !ull siJe "e!ore I $an "a""le out an e&planation :I heard what happened with the ,anier #id earlier Is that what this is a"outC< :.h% my Aod Dow does everyone #now a"out that alreadyC< Coa$h smiles at my !rustration and $o$#s her head to the side% some o! the !eathered strands o! her white@"londe page"oy hair$ut sweeping a$ross her !orehead :I ta#e it you didn)t get the $han$e to learn mu$h a"out himC< :I tal#ed to him !or% li#e% !ive minutes "e!ore he went all horror movie $reepy on me So% no < She doesn)t respond% "ut instead pulls a s'uare pad o! paper !rom her messenger "ag and starts s$ri""ling :Aive this to the nurse when you get there%< she instru$ts me "e!ore tearing the paper o!! and !olding it I ta#e the note !rom her and stand up as she says% :And don)t worry i!
you don)t ma#e it "a$# "e!ore the end o! the period You $an go straight to your ne&t $lass < :(han#s% Coa$h < I hit$h my "a$#pa$# up on my right shoulder and on$e I)ve rounded the $orner !rom the $a!eteria into the main hall% I un!old the paperE -o%ce$ ara McKee was with Kieran .anier this morning when he had his e!isode/ 0he isn(t aware o, his condition$ but she(s +er% concerned/ I think she would a!!reciate being able to s!eak with him brie,l% i, %ou ,eel that(s a!!ro!riate/ I(+e e1cused her ,rom second2!eriod stud% hall to come to %our o,,ice/ Thanks$ Patt% Denton Seeing words li#e e!isode and condition don)t do mu$h to $alm my nerves or satis!y my $uriosity Bhat)s wrong with this guyC Is he dying or somethingC Strangely a!raid !or this person I *ust met% I pi$# up my pa$e toward the !ront des# in the main o!!i$e% the !irst stop !or anyone heading to visit the prin$ipal% the vi$e@prin$ipal% or?in my $ase?Nurse /oster
Chapter 3
Mrs Aillette is de!initely the last person I want to show my note !rom Coa$h Denton% "ut sin$e I $an)t get past the !ront des# without a reason% I don)t have a $hoi$e Showing the note to her means I)m showing it to Mar$y "y e&tension% so "y lun$htime% everyone in s$hool will #now I visited =ieran ,anier in the nurse)s o!!i$e Although $onsidering most people pro"a"ly thin# I tried to #ill him in Advan$ed -nglish this morning% I guess $he$#ing on him in the least I $an do I hand the message over the $ounter to Mrs Aillette% and on$e she)s read it% she returns the paper to me and waves me "a$# to the two tiny rooms that pass !or (itusville)s in!irmary Nurse /oster% a white@haired woman in a "a"y "lue smo$# and #ha#is who le!t retirement age in the dust appro&imately a million years ago% glan$es up at me !rom where she sits at a metal des# s$rawling notes on a legal pad :/eeling illC< she purrs :NoIII< Hather than stand here stammering% I hand over the note !rom Coa$h% whi$h she reads "e!ore heading to the in!irmary room "ehind her with the paper still in hand :.ne se$ond%< she tells me% and I ro$# !orward and "a$# on the "alls o! my !eet as I wait !or what seems li#e an eternity !or her to return .n$e she does% she steps aside !rom the door and nods over her shoulder :Ao on in < I turn my head toward the doorway "ut don)t ma#e another move :De)s really o#ayC< I $an)t help "ut as#% not sure what I)m e&pe$ting to see on$e I enter% remem"ering the word condition !rom Coa$h)s note May"e he)s got some weird disorder that $auses him to pass out and ma#es his !lesh peel o!!C Am I going to wal# in and dis$over that he)s turned into a drooling% "rain@eating Jom"ie% in whi$h $ase I)m pro"a"ly sa!er out here with $reepy Nurse /oster% who)s a"out two steps away !rom Jom"ie!i$ation hersel!C :De)s !ine% ;ara I)m #eeping him here through the end o! this period% and then he $an go
"a$# to $lass < (a#ing a deep "reath% I de$ide to stop "eing a total idiot and go in I push the door open wide enough to slide my "ody through into the !irst patient area% the white sheet on the $ot not yet wrin#led "y any si$# students (o my le!t in the !ar patient area% I spy a set o! hi#ing "oots at the end o! a $ot% toes pointed toward the $eiling Doping those "oots are atta$hed to =ieran)s not@ yet@Jom"ie!ied "ody% I wal# over and stand against the wall ne&t to the $urtain =ieran)s lying on his "a$# with his hands tu$#ed under his head% a grin spreading a$ross his still@human !a$e on$e he sees me :Dey%< he says% raising himsel! up on his el"ows :Dey < I !old my arms tightly in !ront o! me and hun$h my shoulders almost up to my ears Bow?this is aw#ward I have no idea what to say Thanks ,or scaring the li+ing cra! out o, me last !eriod% may"eC Dis grin widens :.#ay So people in this town don)t "ring !lowers when they visit the si$#C< My shoulders rela& a little :Bell% I am in the middle o! a !ree period right now% "ut *uniors aren)t allowed to leave s$hool% soI< I let my voi$e trail o!! and sin$e he doesn)t stop smiling% I $ontinue with our !riendly "anter :Some per!orman$e you put on earlier Heally award@worthy stu!! < :(han#s I wanted to ma#e a "ig impression on the !irst day o! s$hool < :Mission a$$omplished -very"ody pro"a"ly #new your name ten minutes later < =ieran rolls his eyes :Yeah KNar$o +oy)?that)s me < :KNar$o +oy)C< I as#% eyes narrowing De shi!ts his gaJe to the $hair ne&t to the $ot% his gray hooded sweatshirt slung over the
"a$# :Dave a seat Sorry I $an)t o!!er you anything to drin# Heal la$# o! amenities around here% and Nurse /oster doesn)t stri#e me as the type who would "e willing to !et$h us some "everages < At a loss !or a response that seems 'uippy enough% I silently a$$ept his invitation% sitting down on the $ra$#ed $ushion and leaning against his hoodie :Is that in your wayC< he as#s :No I)m !ine%< I insist% "ut he sits up and tries to rea$h over to the $hair anyway De $an)t e&tend !ar enough% so I sit up and gra" the hoodie to hand to him =ieran "alls up the sweatshirt and holds it against him li#e a stu!!ed animal as he lies down on his side% !a$ing me :I have nar$olepsy I don)t #now i! you #now what that is < :It)s a sleep disorder% rightC< I as#% re$alling something I must have read on$e :,i#e% you !all asleep at random timesC< :-&a$tly Dad it as long as I $an remem"er < :So that(s what happened this morning < I)m almost over$ome with relie! that I didn)t do something to :"rea#< him% as Cassie so elo'uently said :Yeah I was a$tually awa#e when you hit me% "ut I $ouldn)t move < :Sorry < When %ou hit meIAod% I)m so em"arrassed :No?it)s o#ay%< he insists :I pro"a"ly would)ve done the same thing in your position +y the time they got me out in the hall% I $ould move again (he paralysis thing doesn)t happen to me a lot?only in really e&treme $ir$umstan$es I guess my "rain de$ided to go all out this morning% !irst day o! s$hool and all < :Bell% I)m glad you)re o#ay < :(han#s And% loo#?I)m sorry you had to see that =ayla #ind o! !illed me on everything Must)ve "een pretty s$ary !or you not #nowing what was going on <
:Don)t worry a"out it%< I tell him% "e$ause what else are you supposed to say to someone with what I)m assuming is an in$ura"le disorderC :No% really% I should)ve warned you < De sha#es his head against the pillow :I mean% my parents told me all the tea$hers #new% "utIwell% it)s not e&a$tly what you want to open with when you)re trying to meet new people KDi% I)m =ieran% and I)m pro"a"ly going to pass out on you without warning% "ut don)t worry?it)s all good )< :You #now%< I start% $ra$#ing a smile so he)ll hope!ully read my idea as the *o#e I)m intending it to "e% :i! you get the in!ormation to Mrs Aillette "e!ore 1E00% they)ll ma#e an announ$ement to the whole s$hool at the end o! the day Might save you some trou"le < Dis grin reemerges :You have an amaJing sense o! humor% ;ip M$=ee I !igured you)d "e pissed as hell over this < :Nothing to "e pissed a"out%retending to "e interested in something on the side o! my vinyl snow "oot gives me an e&$use to avoid his eyes :So% I didn)t get the $han$e to as# you your real name "e!ore I went !a$e down on your des#%< he says as I $ontinue my preo$$upation with some imaginary whatever on my "oot :;ara ;ara -liJa"eth M$=ee%< I tell him% sitting up and ta#ing advantage o! the rare opportunity to use my !ull name :Bow (hat)s really "eauti!ul < Dude$ %ou(re killing me% I thin#% as my !a$e grows hot on$e again :(han#s%< I say out loud% loo#ing down and !iddling with the end o! my ponytail sin$e he)s pro"a"ly going to wonder what)s wrong with me i! I #eep messing with my "oot A!ter a !ew se$onds% my $hee#s
$ool to their normal temperature and I)m $on!ident enough to raise my eyes% "ut when I do% damned i! he isn)t still giving me (he Arin It)s li#e the "oy never stops :Seriously% though?i! you $all me K;ara%) I)ll #ill you%< I warn% trying to see i! I $an wipe the grin o!! his !a$e with an empty threat :I mean it (ea$hers $all me K;ara%) and that)s how I introdu$e mysel! to people when I go visit my dad% "ut that)s pretty mu$h it < :A "ig Kno way) on the K;ara ) Lnderstood < Nope?still grinning :I)ve always "een K;ip%) you #nowC< I !eel the need to e&plain :K;ara) sometimes seems li#e some"ody else < :(hat)s so $ool% though < De s'uints% his perma@grin !ading a little :You sort o! get to "e a di!!erent person when you want to "e% li#e a superhero You)re lu$#y Most days% I don)t even li#e "eing the one person I am < ,ost as to how to respond to su$h a !ran# admission% I $hange the su"*e$t :YeahIumI so% where did you move here !rom anywayC< My 'uestion per#s him "a$# up :North Carolina Asheville -ver "eenC< :No%< I say% sha#ing my head% the ends o! my ponytail "rushing either shoulder o! my gray (itusville (itans shirt as I do :I)ve never "een mu$h o! anywhere "esides Chi$ago% though ?that)s where my dad lives < :Bell% you seem #ind o! !amiliar% so I thought I)d as# < I)m not really the :you seem !amiliar< type My whole li!e% no one)s ever $ompared me to any !amous singers or movie stars or athletes% although some people say I remind them o! my mom% whi$h ma#es sense I)m a !ew in$hes taller than she is% "ut we)re "oth slender and share the same green eyes% dar# "londe hair% and !re$#le@$overed stu" nose% so we de!initely $an)t deny that we)re a mat$hed mother@daughter set
:I)ve never "een anywhere near North Carolina%< I assure =ieran :So whoever you)re thin#ing o! isn)t me < :Bell% i! you get the $han$e% you should go Asheville)s a $ool pla$e Be only moved here "e$ause my dad got a *o" at Sumner College < :Yeah?I #now < (he words are out o! my mouth "e!ore I $an stop them% and he raises his head up o!! the pillow and gives me the same $on!used loo# he had this morning when he !irst !ound out my name :.@#ay%< he says% eyes narrowing with suspi$ion :So you)re a mind@readerC< :No%< I say through a slight laugh "e!ore o!!ering him an e&planation :Bel$ome to (itusville (here are a"out !our@hundred students in this s$hool% not $ounting the *unior high% so stu!! gets around pretty !ast And there)s less than nothing to do here% so people li#e to tal#? in$luding the adults I !ound out a"out your dad !rom my !riend Cassie% who heard it !rom Mar$y Aillette% who heard it !rom her mom who wor#s in the !ront o!!i$e And% a$$ording to Cass% we)re ne&t@door neigh"ors < News o! our neigh"or status "rings (he Arin "a$# again :I had no idea < :Yup My grandparents live in the pla$e on the other side o! ours < =ieran nods slowly% ta#ing everything in :.#ay?what else have you heard a"out meC I)ll tell you i! you)re right or not < I thin# "a$# to what little Mar$y said this morning :Bell% you)re supposed to "e a senior% rightC< Dis e&pression dar#ens% and I immediately regret "ringing up his age :Sorry I! that)s private < :It)s o#ay%< he assures me :Fust #ind o! su$#s% is all You $an imagine that when you
randomly !all asleep during the day% #eeping up with stu!! is hard sometimes I !ell way "ehind in si&th grade% and people started "eing really mean to =ayla and me "e$ause o!Iwell% "e$ause I)m so weird In grade s$hool% everyone was #ind o! o#ay with the whole thing% "ut when we went to middle s$hool% everything $hanged < :>ro"a"ly "e$ause #ids su$# at that age%< I say% although high s$hool #ids $an su$# pretty "ad% too Around here% it seems li#e the *unior high)s always having some spe$ial program a"out respe$ting di!!eren$es% so apparently there)s something with turning eleven and twelve that ma#es #ids want to "e $ompletely stupid all o! a sudden :Anyway% my mom pulled us out and homes$hooled us "e$ause it was *ust easier to deal with me that way% "ut I never got $aught up to where I should "e Bhen Dad sat us down and told us he wanted to apply !or the Sumner *o"% =ayla and I said we)d only go along with it i! they put us "a$# in regular s$hool a!ter we)d moved I mean% my $ondition isolates me enough% and you add in the homes$hoolingIMom and Dad gave in "e$ause (itusville)s so small they thought we)d get lots o! attention < De pauses% sma$#ing his lips together :Attention in the $lassroom% I mean Not attention "e$ause I)d "e passing out every !ive minutes < :So% the sleeping)s totally randomC< I as# :You $an)t $ontrol it at allC< :I try to stay on a regular sleep s$hedule% "ut other than that% not really Certain situations seem to "ring it on% li#e i! I)m really stressed out a"out something < :,i#e the !irst day at a new s$hoolC< I suggest% and he nods :-&a$tly I was !rea#ing mysel! out a"out having episodes at s$hool and how people were going to rea$t% and stress pretty mu$h guarantees to "ring on an episodeIit)s sort o! vi$ious $y$le < I don)t #now what to say% and he !ills the silen$e with more e&planations :(his s$arC< De points to a "arely noti$ea"le re$ess a"ove his right eye"row :Bhen I was eight% I !ell asleep on
the $ou$h and $aught the edge o! an end ta"le when I slumped over And I "ro#e my nose in !ourth grade trying to play so$$er Sometimes I get this thing when I start getting tired that)s li#e my mus$les turn to ru""er Lsually I $an put my hands out to $at$h mysel! i! I !all% "ut that time I wasn)t !ast enough and I too# a header right into the !ield So no more sports !or me?too dangerous < De sits up on the $ot "ut doesn)t loo# at me :,u$#y !or me% my mom was a do$tor "e!ore she started hovering over me !ull@time% so I)ve got in@house $are unless something ma*or happens I)ve tried every drug that)s supposed to help% "ut nothing wor#s So I *ust deal I don)t have mu$h o! a $hoi$e < =ieran leans !orward% el"ows on his #nees :It would "e one thing i! it only a!!e$ted me% you #nowC +ut% li#e% my parents won)t let me drive "e$ause they)re too a!raid o! what might happen I(m too a!raid o! what might happen So =ayla $hau!!eurs me everywhere My parents pretty mu$h !or$e her into "a"ysitting duties when they)re not around% and it)s not !air to her < As he)s "een tal#ing% I)ve pulled my #nees up to my $hin% heels resting on the edge o! the $hair $ushion% arms hugging my legs :Bhat happens when you leave homeC< I as#% so drawn in "y his story I don)t stop to $onsider whether my 'uestion might "e out o! line :You #now?go to $ollegeC Start your own li!eC< :Bell% it)s !unny?or may"e it)s not?"ut my parents and I have never tal#ed that !ar into the !uture "e!ore I thin# we)re all pretending that i! we don)t tal# a"out it% the !uture)s not going to happen At least% that)s my e&$use% anyway I $an)t even pi$ture anything a!ter ne&t year May"e I)ll "e one o! those guys who lives in his parents) "asement and plays video games !or the rest o! his li!e .r may"e they)re e&pe$ting me to !ollow =ayla around !orever% "ut I don)t see how that)s supposed to wor# She)s really smart% so she)ll want to go to a good s$hool somewhere She doesn)t need me messing things up <
My ears per# at this tiny "it o! in!ormation a"out =ayla :She)s smartC< :Super smart < :,i#e +aledictorian smartC< :Yeah >ro"a"ly < I $an tell !rom his smile that he already #nows the answer to his 'uestion when he as#s% :You #now someone else who might "e in line !or that honorC< :May"e not anymore%< I mum"le :I)ll tell her to go easy on you And I)m sorry I #ind o! had a pity party moment there I)m usually pretty o#ay with everything% "ut sometimes I get !rustrated < Nodding% I don)t say anything right away :Bhat are you thin#ingC< he as#s% eyes narrowing :BellIit)sII guess I don)t understand why you)re telling me all o! this You met me% li#e% an hour ago "asi$ally < De stares away !rom me at a mi$ros$opi$ pie$e o! !uJJ on the sheet $overing the $ot :Bell% you were the one who was with me when I had my episode this morning You deserve an e&planation < :(hat)s not what I)m tal#ing a"out% although I appre$iate it +ut I $ould loo# up Knar$olepsy) in a "oo# or online and learn a"out it i! I wanted to I)m tal#ing a"out all the other stu!!?you and =ayla and how !rustrated you get with things sometimes And I)m not saying I didn)t want to hear that stu!!% "ut I guess I don)t understand how you)re so $om!orta"le sharing all that with me I don)t trust anyone I don)t #now < =ieran pushes some hair up o!! his !orehead :You)ve got a trustworthy loo# a"out you And I thought you seemed !amiliar% remem"erC< :Seriously% though <
:Bell% seriously?something a"out you s$reams Ktrustworthy% upstanding $itiJen) < :Areat < I roll my eyes :Should I ta#e that as a $omplimentC< :Bell% I meant it that way < De lowers his gaJe again and pi$#s at the sheet% his thum" and !ore!inger grasping the material and letting go over and over :May"e I de$ided to tell you all that stu!! "e$ause you)re here Most people would)ve stopped "y !or a minute to $he$# and ma#e sure I was o#ay% i! even that I mean% those two guys who $arried me in here sure didn)t sti$# around !or very long < :(hey wouldn)t%< I tell him :Cody and Doug aren)t e&a$tly #nown !or "eing $aring% sensitive types < =ieran loo#s up% and our eyes lo$# as he "rea#s into another one o! those grins that seems to "e his de!ault setting when he)s staring at me :+ut %ou $ame to $he$# on me%< he says :And you stu$# around You have no idea what that means to me < Dis grin !ades and he stares at me so intensely I)m wondering i! something)s wrong% li#e may"e I have a "ooger hanging out o! my nose (o "e sa!e% I loo# down and swipe my hand a$ross my nostrils a !ew times :Fust so you #now%< =ieran "egins% !inally "rea#ing the silen$e% :i! anyone as#s you 'uestions% you $an tell them stu!! I)d rather you tell the truth than have people going around ma#ing things up a"out what)s wrong with me It would "e awesome i! at least a !ew people didn)t thin# I was a drug addi$t or something < :.#ay < Someone #no$#s on the door and in se$onds% Nurse /oster)s an$ient !a$e pee#s around the $urtain at us :(he "ell)s a"out to ring% so I thought I)d $he$# on you%< she says to =ieran :Heady to go "a$# to $lassC< :Can)t wait%< he assures her% his voi$e dripping with sar$asm that she doesn)t $at$h
:;ara% do you need to return to study hallC< she as#s :No Mrs Denton said I $ould *ust go to my ne&t $lass < Nurse /oster turns her attention "a$# to =ieran :So I)ll see you a!ter the third lun$h period today% $orre$tC< :It)s a date < De !lashes her a toothy grin% and Nurse /oster opens her mouth to say something "ut% evidently !lustered "y =ieran)s $omment% de$ides not to and turns on her heel to go out to her des#% "ut not "e!ore I $at$h a slight "lush rising in her $hee#s :You have to $ome "a$#C< I as#% sti!ling a laugh :I! I $an get a short nap sometime during the day% then the episodes don)t $ome as mu$h%< he e&plains :So while everyone else gets a study hall% I get naptime Awesome% huhC ,i#e "eing in =indergarten all over again < Dis smir# tells me he doesn)t thin# it)s awesome at all (he "ell rings to end se$ond period and =ieran stands% slipping "a$# into his hoodie and Jipping it up hal!way :Bhere you headed ne&tC< I as#% slinging my "a$#pa$# on my shoulder =ieran gra"s his "a$#pa$# !rom the !loor ne&t to the $ot and !ishes a $rumpled s$hedule !rom the !ront po$#et :Alge"ra%< he groans :(he day *ust #eeps getting "etter and "etter < :Math and I don)t get along% either Mr BilmsteadC< :Yup < :Dis room)s here on the !irst !loor My trig $lass is in the room ne&t door% so I)ll wal# you < Be head out o! the in!irmary% saying good"ye to Nurse /oster and Jooming past Mrs Aillette% who)s no dou"t thrilled over the gossip she)ll have !or Mar$y A perverse desire stri#es me to rea$h !or =ieran)s hand *ust to give her something reall% *ui$y to tal# a"out% "ut sin$e
=ieran would pro"a"ly !rea# out% I #eep my hands to mysel! =ieran steps in !ront o! me to open the door to the main lo""y and I wal# out ahead o! him +e!ore us% our !ellow students ra$e li#e $on!used ants at a pi$ni$% some running upstairs% some rushing to the "a$# hallway "y the $a!eteria% and some heading to the main hall% whi$h is where we)ll need to go to get to our respe$tive math $lasses :HeadyC< I smile at him :Heady ,ead the way < I ta#e a !ew steps !orward and merge into the herd% =ieran right "ehind me .n$e again% I)m hit with the urge to rea$h !or =ieran)s hand% "ut this time the sensation is no *o#e I want to hold onto him% want to ma#e sure he doesn)t get lost in this $rowd o! strangers Hestraining mysel!% I wipe my sweaty palms on my tra$# pants and $hoose instead to plow ahead down the $rowded hallway% hoping he $an #eep up with me and we don)t get separated :Ln!ortunately% our rooms are at the end o! the hall%< I say to him over my shoulder% my voi$e nearly swallowed up "y the noise :I)ll stay as $lose to you as I $an%< he assures me Ma#ing my way down the over$rowded hallway seems easy $ompared to enduring the stares I get !rom wal#ing with (he Beird New Auy right "ehind me% everyone)s eyes "urning my !a$e with laser@li#e pre$ision I almost wish I $ould "urst into !lames and leave everyone standing here wondering what happened as I !li$#er out into a pile o! ash I)m not used to this #ind o! attention?no one stares at me unless I)m holding a "as#et"all% and I)m usually too preo$$upied with setting up plays and smo#ing de!enders to $are what anyone thin#s =ieran% on the other hand% must "e a pro at "eing stared at% "e$ause when I glan$e "ehind me% I !ind he)s giving everyone a dialed "a$# version o! the disarming grin he #ept !lashing at me in the
in!irmary% the $orners o! his mouth not 'uite as wide as they were !or me A!ter a !ew minutes o! struggling against most o! (itusville)s teenage population% we arrive at Mr Bilmstead)s room :(his is your stop%< I announ$e% "a$#ing up against a lo$#er with $hipped navy "lue paint =ieran leans in so I $an hear him over the shu!!le o! students% although the $loser we get to the third period "ell% the less $rowded the hall "e$omes as people arrive at their various $lassrooms :(han#s !or an interesting morning%< he says% his lips in$hes !rom my ear :(al#ing to you was more !un than staring at the $eiling < :Alad I $ould "e o! servi$e% "ut I should pro"a"ly "e than#ing %ou !or the interesting morning%< I point out :Mrs Darvey)s $lass hasn)t "een that thrilling in a long time .r ever% "asi$ally < Something distra$ts him !rom my patheti$ attempt at "anter and he glan$es down the hall toward the last room on the right% where trigonometry will "e starting in less than three minutes I !ollow his gaJe to see =ayla approa$hing us !rom the opposite dire$tion She gives =ieran a little wave and he yells% :Dey< "a$# at her% "ut instead o! wal#ing over to us% =ayla stops and tilts her head at the door ne&t to her% indi$ating she)s going to "e in my trig $lass :I)d "etter go%< he says :Don)t want to ma#e you late You)ve had enough trou"le !rom me !or one day < :It)s o#ay% really I)m glad we had time to tal# < :So when do you have lun$hC May"e we $an sit together < /rowning% I remem"er Nurse /oster)s $omment a"out seeing him a!ter the third lun$h period :Se$ond lun$h period% un!ortunately I usually eat with some o! the girls !rom the team anyway% though I don)t #now how you)d !eel a"out dining with a group o! giganti$ AmaJon
women% with the e&$eption o! Yours (ruly% that is < I)m the shortest girl on the team at !ive !eet eight% and *udging "y =ieran)s height% whi$h I $an estimate !airly well at the moment sin$e he)s pra$ti$ally standing up against me% he)d still "e shorter than some o! my teammates even though he)s a !ew in$hes taller than I am :Bell% dining with AmaJonians would "e something di!!erent% I guess < Be)re standing so $lose together I $an see the mus$les in his ne$# $ontra$t as he laughs :May"e I)ll see you around this a!ternoon% though .r may"e sometime a!ter s$hool% sin$e we)re neigh"ors and all < :Yeah < I $at$h sight o! the $lo$# on the other side o! the hall ti$#ing o!! the last minute o! our time together :Bell% li#e you said% we should get going < Neither o! us moves% his mouth still $loser to my ear than it needs to "e% the tip o! his le!t hi#er graJing my right snow "oot% his s$ent?not a!tershave or $ologne "ut something nearly per!ume@!ree% li#e soap?ti$#ling my nostrils I hold my "reath% hal!@a!raid he)s a"out to !all asleep and !ully a!raid that i! he does% he)ll stum"le into my arms and press up against me right here in !ront o! the than#!ully dwindling $rowd :.#ay Yeah Hight Class%< he says% standing up straight and loo#ing through the window o! Mr Bilmstead)s room as he rea$hes !or the door#no" :,ater% ;ip M$=ee < :,ater%ushing mysel! up o!! the lo$#er% I start toward her :DeyM =aylaM< I $all out% ready to ma#e my se$ond new !riend o! the day =ayla responds "y turning away and slipping inside the room% my greeting "oun$ing o!! the lo$#ers in the nearly empty hallway and "oomeranging "a$# to me where I stand alone
Chapter 4
:So he *ust% li#e% !alls asleep without warningC< :Yes% +ill < :-ven a!ter a good night)s sleepC< :A good night)s sleep doesn)t have mu$h to do with it%< I tell +ill +ur$heron% $o@$aptain o! the !oot"all team% as he sits a$ross !rom me at lun$h% piles o! $ellophane wrappers and paper $ontainers littering his tray :De $an)t help it De has an easier time staying awa#e i! he $at$hes a nap during the day and sti$#s to a regular sleep s$hedule% "ut mostly% it)s out o! his $ontrol < .ver the past !ew wee#s% I)ve "e$ome (itusville FuniorGSenior Digh S$hool)s designated Nar$olepsy -&pert% a title =ieran or =ayla would pro"a"ly earn i! anyone would "other to tal# to them long enough A!ter (he In$ident% most people seem to "e treating the ,aniers li#e Joo animals% o"serving them !rom a sa!e distan$e and tal#ing a"out them as they stare :Does $o!!ee helpC< ,auren >ipher% +ill)s girl!riend and my teammate% as#s me% the girth o! +ill)s letterman $oat around her so overwhelming% her head seems $omi$ally small :I)m too hyper to go to "ed i! I drin# $o!!ee at night < :Ca!!eine $an mess with his sleep $y$les and ma#e everything worse% so he tries to avoid it < :Su$#s !or him%< ,auren says% pouting A sigh es$apes me in spite o! mysel! I)d "een loo#ing !orward to a lun$h period o! ignoring everyone and reviewing my reading assignment on the He$onstru$tion !or Ameri$an history $lass% "ut instead% I)m enduring another round o! :,et)s ,earn a"out Nar$olepsy%< $ourtesy o! ,auren and +ill (omorrow% I)ll pro"a"ly su!!er through this again% than#s to some"ody else And the day a!terI
:So what happens when you twoIyou #now < +ill shrugs :,i#e% does he !all asleep whenI< Dis voi$e trails o!! and he puts his hands out in !ront o! him% palms up% as i! the gesture is an appropriate su"stitute !or what he wants to say :Bhen what% +illC< I sit "a$# and !old my arms a$ross my stoma$h .! $ourse% I #now e&a$tly what he)s getting at% "ut wat$hing him s'uirm is too mu$h !un :You know%< he insists% whi$h provo#es a gasp !rom ,auren% whose "rain apparently *ust de$ided to $lue her in :+illM .h% my Aod < :Bell% I was *ust $urious%< he says% as i! in'uiring a"out the se& lives o! his girl!riend)s teammates is no "ig thing :Sooo rude%< ,auren $ontinues :I mean% it)s not li#e people go around as#ing us a"out the stu!! we do in private < 3www% I thin#% although I)m guessing that most guys in the $a!eteria right now?and pro"a"ly more than a !ew girls% too?#now e&a$tly what ,auren and +ill do in private than#s to +ill)s giganti$ ego :It)s o#ay%< I assure her% "e!ore turning my attention "a$# to +ill :(o answer your 'uestion% we)re *ust !riends% so what happens to him in thoseIsituations isn)t any o! my "usiness < :Sorry%< +ill mum"les :I mean% every"ody thin#s you)re a $ouple?*ust so you #now < I! =ieran and I are a $ouple% then we)re having the most "oring% $haste relationship this s$hool has ever seen +esides -nglish and history% =ieran and I pretty mu$h only see ea$h other in the hall on our way to $lasses we don)t have together Sin$e I have "as#et"all pra$ti$e every day a!ter s$hool% we)ve never had the $han$e to hang out at ea$h other)s houses or around town
li#e most people would when s$hool gets out Be te&t a lot and tal# on the phone a"out $lass assignments and "oo#s we li#e to read when we)re not reading stu!! !or s$hool% "ut neither o! us has suggested driving to Sumner to $at$h a movie or to go to the mall or anything else that might resem"le something that passes !or dating a$tivity around here So we)re not even remotely together% "ut $onsidering +ill)s a"out the eighth person to as# without as#ing i! =ieran !alls asleep on me when we get physi$al% I)m guessing the truth doesn)t really matter "e$ause as !ar as everyone)s $on$erned% =ieran and I have "een hot and heavy sin$e he went !a$e down on my des# in Advan$ed -nglish =ieran)s had two other :moments< at s$hool sin$e the day we met (he !irst time% he was in Mr Bilmstead)s alge"ra $lass De told me he doJed o!! !or a"out thirty minutes and no"ody even noti$ed I had Mr Bilmstead !or geometry% and I)m assuming no"ody noti$ed "e$ause hal! the room was pro"a"ly asleep themselves (he se$ond time he passed out% he was in art $lass and slumped over on the water$olor he was wor#ing on% whi$h led to him spending the rest o! the period in the "athroom wiping paint o!! his !a$e De)s also had a !ew o! these #ind o! wa#ing "la$#out moments when we)re together Be)ll "e wal#ing down the hall or dis$ussing stu!! in -nglish $lass and he)ll seem $ompletely alert A!terwards% I)ll as# him a"out something and he doesn)t remem"er that we were even tal#ing in the !irst pla$e% as i! he)s got some #ind o! !leeting amnesia All I give +ill !or in!orming me that the whole s$hool thin#s =ieran and I are Doing It is a :whatever< shrug o! my shoulders% so he drops the su"*e$t and steers our $onversation to =ayla :So% =ieran)s sister)s #ind o! hot < :Lm% +illIhelloC I)m right here%< ,auren shrie#s :.h% $ome on?I didn)t mean it li#e that I meant% li#e% an%one would thin# she)s hot
,i#e how people say% Koh% this movie star)s so hot) or whatever < ,auren pretends to "e interested in a /ren$h !ry le!t over in the paper $ontainer on her tray% rolling it around "etween her thum" and !ore!inger% while +ill turns his attention "a$# to me :So% what)s her deal anywayC Der name)s =ayla% rightC< Donestly% I don)t #now what =ayla)s :deal< is% "e$ause she)s "arely said ten words to me in the time she)s "een here Sin$e we)re apparently on tra$# to $ompete !or $lass valedi$torian% we have the same s$hedule e&$ept !or ele$tives =ayla% however% always sits in the !ront row while I)m in my usual seat in the "a$# $orner o! whatever room we)re in Be ended up ne&t to ea$h other in Advan$ed Chemistry "e$ause Mr Collins insists we sit alpha"eti$ally% "ut we)re usually too "usy ta#ing notes to say more than :Di%< and :,ater%< and sin$e Cassie and I have "een la" partners all year% I don)t get mu$h o! a $han$e to tal# to =ayla during la"% either (he !ew times we)ve "oth ended up wal#ing to $lass with =ieran% we)ve only spo#en a $ouple o! words to ea$h other a"out whatever)s "eing dis$ussed at the time So "esides what =ieran)s told me here and there?she)s a runner% she pretty mu$h loo#s a!ter =ieran whenever she $an% she li#es the outdoors?I)m $lueless a"out her +ut I do #now that =ayla wears this !a#e smile whenever she sees =ieran and me together or whenever we)re all wal#ing down the hall on our way to $lass% li#e she)s *ust "arely tolerating my e&isten$e I haven)t wor#ed up the nerve to as# =ieran why his sister doesn)t seem to li#e me% mostly "e$ause I)m not used to people not li#ing me and I)m a little a!raid to !ind out what I)ve done to piss her o!! (he "ell rings "e!ore I $an respond to +ill)s 'uestion a"out =ayla that I)m lost !or an answer to anyway% and everyone stands and !iles towards the doors li#e trained mon#eys% dumping the remains o! our lun$hes in the gar"age $ans and re$y$ling "ins and leaving the trays
on a $art on our way out into the hall I ra$e upstairs to my history $lass and ta#e my seat in the "a$# $enter o! the room% and as I pull my te&t"oo# and note"oo# out o! my "a$#pa$#% =ieran slides into the des# in !ront o! me and says% :Dey?I)ve got news < .! $ourse% the "ell rings "e!ore he $an tell me :Aive me a minute%< he whispers% and Mrs Denton immediately starts s$rawling on the "oard I "egin writing% as her tests are notoriously "ased on her notes% "ut "e!ore I)ve s$ri""led more than a !ew lines% =ieran)s hand "umps the outside o! my le!t #nee$ap% prompting me to loo# up De)s leaning !orward and still !a$ing the !ront o! the room% his right arm !le&ing as he ta#es notes% "ut his le!t arm dangles over the "a$# o! his des# $hair My hand $loses over his and he trans!ers a wadded@up note"oo# page to me% whi$h I li!t to my des#top and smooth out I think I talked Ka%la into taking me to %our game 0aturda%% he)s written =ieran)s wanted to $ome to one o! my "as#et"all games% "ut they)ve all "een during the wee# and he and =ayla aren)t allowed out on s$hool nights Considering she hates me !or whatever reason% hanging out at one o! my games pro"a"ly isn)t high on =ayla)s :to do< list% "ut on$e =ieran learned our last game o! the regular season would "e on a Saturday% he)s "een it$hing to go 4ow(d %ou manage that* I s$ri""le "a$# and $are!ully $rumple the paper% trying to ma#e as little noise as possi"le I tap =ieran on the shoulder with my pen% and the ne&t time Mrs Denton turns to write on the "oard% he angles his arm "ehind his $hair% his open palm resting on my #nee (a#ing a se$ond to "as# in the sensation o! his hand through my tra$# pants% I slip the note underneath the des# and ru" the paper along his !ingertips De gra"s the wad o! paper and 'ui$#ly swings his arm over his seat% the !eeling o! dried sweat on $ottonGpolyester "lend sending a $hill through me in his a"sen$e
,ess than a month o! !riendship% and we)ve already per!e$ted the Crumpled >aper Note routine +ut some days?li#e today% when =ieran)s hand lingers on me a little longer than usual ?the routine seems more per!e$t than others A !ew minutes later% =ieran "rushes my #nee again% "ut *ust as I)m a"out to rea$h down to gra" the note% Mrs Denton turns away !rom the "oard and !ires a 'uestion at me :;ara% tell the $lass what the /i!teenth Amendment did eople $ould vote regardless o! ra$e% $olor% or whether or not they)d "een slaves < :Hight Although individual states already had laws and $ontinued to pass laws disen!ran$hising !ormer slavesI< Mrs Denton doesn)t miss a "eat and $ontinues with her dis$ussion% dire$ting her gaJe to the other side o! the room in order to !ire a 'uestion at her ne&t vi$tim Bhile Cassie "ungles a 'uestion a"out military $ontrol in the Southern states% I ta#e the $rumpled note !rom =ieran)s waiting hand I think I 5ust wore her down% he tells me in his straight@up@and@down printing style% the $urves in his letters more li#e right angles De)s also drawn some sun"ursts in the margins ne&t to his senten$es?one o! his !avorite things to draw% I guess% sin$e he)s always doodling them in his note"oo# in -nglish $lass 0he told me to ask Mom and Dad$ and the% said it(s ok as long as she(s with me/ I guess she didn(t ,eel like she could ,ight me an%more$ and when I bugged her about it %esterda%$ she ga+e in/ May"e I should "e nervous over the !a$t that !or the !irst time% someone outside my !amily?and someone o! the male gender% no less?will "e attending a (itusville ,ady (itans game !or the e&press purpose o! wat$hing me play% "ut sin$e I $onsider =ieran a !riend more
than anything% I)m not And on$e Saturday night rolls around% even a!ter I sear$h the stands during warm@ups and !ind =ieran and =ayla sitting alone on the top "lea$her% =ieran waving and =ayla giving me her usual lu#ewarm smile% I)m anything "ut rattled I)m in (he ;one% the headspa$e o! automati$ movements and "ehaviors I)ve wor#ed on per!e$ting sin$e my dad !irst threw me a "ig orange "all in my grandparents) paved driveway As soon as I step on the $ourt% =ieran% =ayla% my !amily sitting in the !ront row "ehind our team "en$h% and everyone else in the gym disappear% my !o$us solely on shooting layups% !iring three@point shots% ma#ing e&pert@ i!@not@no@loo# passes% and e&e$uting plays Hight !rom the start% the Sumner ,ady >anthers are no mat$h !or us (hey should "e !ired up and ready to avenge a !our@point overtime loss to us on their home $ourt last month% "ut the >anthers $ome out sluggish% losing the tip to Marissa =eep% Ashley)s older sister and our senior !orward Marissa throws the "all to me and I dri""le to the top o! the #ey% le!t arm raised and !ingers !le&ing to signal the play !or our !irst o!!ensive set o! the game -veryone moves into position% de!enders giving pursuit% and I lo" a pass to Canda$e *ust a !ew !eet !rom the "as#et She easily pivots around her de!ender to lay in a 'ui$# two points% and everything goes downhill !or Sumner !rom there Be pull away to a 20@11 lead at hal!time% helped along "y a $om"ination o! !our three@pointers !rom Mar$y Aillette and me Sumner tries to mount a $ome"a$# in the se$ond hal!% "ut we hold them o!! to win 11@04% se$uring our pla$e at the top o! our $on!eren$e I s$ore an individual season@high thirteen points in addition to not$hing !ive assists and two !ouls% "oth !rustration !ouls in the !ourth 'uarter when Sumner loo#ed li#e they might $ome "a$# (he hal!@!ull gym?a siJea"le $rowd !or one o! our home games?erupts in applause and $heers at the end o! the game :,oo# out State?here we $ome%< Mar$y "elts out as the rest o! the team dan$es around her% all o! us s$reaming% hugging% and pointing solitary !ingers to the s#y
reminding everyone we)re Num"er .ne% at least until our Hegional game ne&t wee# In the midst o! the $ele"ration% I !eel a hand on my shoulder% and I turn to see my mom "eaming with parental pride :Doney?I)m so happy !or you%< she yells over the $haos% pulling me into a hug (he giant +ooster Clu" "utton on her sweater with my name and num"er graJes my arm% the plasti$ $old against my s#in A!ter a !ew se$onds% I pull "a$# and noti$e my grandparents toddling toward us !rom the "lea$hers :Ni$e show% ;ip@i@dee@doo@dah%< Aramps "ooms% his talent !or ni$#names only rivaled "y my dad)s De also wears a giant :;ip 811< "utton% "ut unli#e my mother% who $an)t "e $ounted on to do su$h things% he)s sporting a sweater in the s$hool)s navy "lue along with #ha#i pants and a (itusville (itans "ase"all $ap $overing his !ew wisps o! white hair Aram% shorter and rounder than Aramps% wears an almost identi$al out!it% although sin$e she has a !ull head o! silver@"londe lo$#s dri!ting down to her shoulders% hiding "ald spots isn)t a $on$ern and so she)s s#ipped the "all $ap (heir S$hool Spirit (wins routine would em"arrass me i! I didn)t love them so mu$h and weren)t grate!ul that they attend every game% "oth home and away And I love my mom !or "eing here% too% o! $ourse% "ut I almost have to laugh at how she)s dressed more !or a day at her arts and $ra!ts store on Hiver Avenue than !or a "as#et"all game?oversiJed !orest green sweater% tight *eans% and $al!@high "la$# leather "oots% her "londe hair "a$# in its usual sloppy style that)s not 'uite a ponytail and not 'uite a "un Der +ooster "utton is the only sign o! the (itusville s$hool spirit she pro"a"ly never had hersel!% even when she was a student here :(hirteen points !or you tonight% i! I $ounted right< Aram smiles at me% her pale $hee#s !lushed unusually pin# with e&$itement% the $olor settling into her wrin#les and !rown lines :Yeah ,et)s hope I $an pull that o!! ne&t wee# at Hegionals <
Mom sha#es her head at me :You Always thin#ing ahead Ne&t wee# is ne&t wee# ,et yoursel! en*oy the win !or a minute (his is the "iggest thing to happen to this s$hool in a long time < :As eviden$ed "y the standing room@only $rowd%< I say% smir#ing% "ut Aramps points out :Bell% at least the +oosters set up a ni$e spread !or you in the $a!eteria < (he +ooster Clu")s "een planning a little $ele"ration?"asi$ally% sandwi$hes and sodas !or players and their guests?sin$e we $lin$hed the $on!eren$e title two wee#s ago :You should as# our new neigh"ors i! they)d li#e to *oin us < Aram nods up into the stands -veryone else has made their way to the !loor or le!t the gym entirely% "ut two !igures sit alone in the top row% the "oy doJing away on the girl)s shoulder I loo# up at them% and =ayla rolls her eyes and hit$hes her shoulders in a sort o! :-h Bhat are you going to doC< resignation over =ieran)s $urrent state I smile and give her a sympathy shrug% and !or a moment% we almost seem li#e !riends Almost +ut not 'uite
Chapter 5
=ayla s$owls% her eyes darting away as i! she)s *ust remem"ered she doesn)t li#e me She s$oots $loser to =ieran on the "lea$her "en$h and shoves hersel! against him to wa#e him up :I guess is the !irst time you)ve seen themC< I as# my !amily I don)t need to wonder how they !igured out the #ids were the ,aniers% sin$e =ieran and =ayla would have "een the only two people sitting on the (itusville side o! the gym they didn)t already #now >lus% I told them a"out =ieran)s $ondition% so the sight o! a sleeping "oy in the "lea$hers would "e a dead giveaway :It)s "een so $old I haven)t "een out mu$h%< Aramps says% re!erring to how he li#es to #ind o! putter around on the por$h and in the !ront yard when the weather)s warmer :I thin# I)ve seen him?the !ather?drive "y a !ew times% pro"a"ly on his way to and !rom Sumner < :Be wanted to give them some time to get settled in "e!ore we started "eing all neigh"orly%< Aram adds% :"eing neigh"orly< meaning "ringing over "a#ed goods and invites to sewing $ir$le% "oo# $lu"% writing group% or one o! the other thousands o! a$tivities Aram)s involved in around town and in Sumner :(onight)s as good a night to meet them as any% I suppose < Lp in the stands% =ieran)s wo#en up and =ayla)s wor#ing hersel! into her $oat My guess is there)s no way they)d want to hang out with my !amily% mu$h less the +ooster Clu"% the team% and team)s !amilies% "ut I $an)t really say that :Sure I)ll as# (hen I)ll go $lean up and meet you in the $a!eteria% o#ayC< Aram and Aramps "o" their heads and turn to head o!! the $ourt% "ut my mom $at$hes me "y the arm :De)s cute%< she hisses in my ear as she stares up at =ieran :Dow $ome you didn)t tell me how $ute he wasC< :I am so not having this $onversation with you right now <
:Bell% I)m *ust surprised you never said anything I mean% I #ind o! wondered when you #ept tal#ing a"out this "oy all the time% "ut I had no idea?< :I don)t tal# a"out him all the time% so $alm down%< I warn :Anyway% aren)t you always telling me you)re $ool i! I don)t date until I)m thirtyC< :Assuming he)s a ni$e guy%< Mom starts as the ,aniers des$end the "lea$hers% :I)ll ma#e an e&$eption !or someone who loo#s li#e him (hat guy *ust s$reams KDot >rom Date) < (his is an unreal amount o! gross even !rom my mom% whose talent !or em"arrassing me #nows no "ounds :>lease stop%< I "eg :=ieran and I are *ust !riends% "ut may"e %ou should as# him out i! you thin# he)s so hot I)ll put in a good word !or you < :(han#s I thin# he)s a little young !or me% though < :Bell% he should "e turning eighteen soon I)ll even help you pi$# out a >rom dress i! you want% although I don)t #now i! you)re allowed to go to >rom as someone)s date when you)re older than most o! the $haperones < Mom ignores this last dig :Shut it% ;ip?they)re $oming < Be !lash "road smiles as the si"lings ma#e their way to the gym !loor =ayla turns in the dire$tion o! the outside entran$e% "ut =ieran gra"s her $oat sleeve% gently pulling her "a$# as he starts wal#ing toward us Mom ta#es two steps !orward and holds out her hand :Di April Shipman You must "e =ieran < :Ni$e to meet you (his is my sister% =ayla < =ieran nudges =ayla !orward% and she o!!ers my mom one o! her trademar#ed "land smiles along with her hand :Ni$e to meet you% Ms Shipman%< she says in that "reathy voi$e o! hers
:>lease?$all me April < Be !all into the aw#ward silen$e o! !our people trying to thin# o! small tal# su"*e$ts until =ieran saves us :Aood game I mean% what I saw o! it was a good game < :(han#s%< I say Mom smiles at him and el"ows me in the ri"s :Bell% ;ip)s grandparents are pro"a"ly wondering where I am%< she says :You #now% when they wal#ed out to the ca,eteria% I said I)d "e right "ehind them < .n her o"no&ious emphasis o! the word ca,eteria% I draw in a "reath :So% there)s thisI thing Sort o! a party% I guess (he +ooster Clu")s got !ood and stu!! set up !or the team% and we $an "ring people with us i! you wanted to hang out !or a while < =ayla opens her mouth "ut doesn)t get a sylla"le out "e!ore =ieran answers !or them "oth :Sounds great (han#s < :Awesome%< Mom $himes in :Bell% ;ip)s got to get $leaned up% so why don)t you two $ome with meC< =ieran gives Mom one o! his $roo#ed grins while =ayla "ites her lower lip% and I suspe$t she)d rather "e !or$ed to $ut her own leg out o! a "ear trap than have to spend !ive minutes with my !amily :See you in a !ew%< I say% turning to *og o!! to the lo$#er room while Mom steers =ieran and =ayla out the main gym doors towards the $a!eteria A!ter a "rie! team meeting to de$onstru$t the game% I hit the showers =nowing my !amily would pro"a"ly insist on staying !or the +ooster Clu" party% I "rought *eans and a sweater to $hange into instead o! sweats% although now that =ieran and =ayla are $oming% too% I sort o! wish I)d pa$#ed something a little more glam than an old "la$# $a"le #nit% remem"ering the
pretty royal "lue "elted $ardigan =ayla $hose to wear tonight I get dressed and tu$# my damp hair "a$# "ehind my ears with a "la$# $otton head"and "e!ore stu!!ing my sweaty uni!orm and warm@ups into my gym "ag% gra""ing my $oat% and rushing down the hall to the $a!eteria where the party is already in !ull swing +ad pop musi$ "lares over the >A system% and the +oosters have strung the white $inder "lo$# walls with "lue and yellow streamers and "alloons% a :Congratulations ,ady (itans< "anner hanging over the area where students usually stand in line to "uy !ood A"out hal! o! the ta"les that would "e o$$upied "y gossiping #ids during the wee# now hold players% !amilies% "oy!riends% and% in some $ases% random !riends who happened to "e invited% li#e =ieran and =ayla I !ind my !amily sitting toward the !ront o! the $a!eteria at a ta"le already littered with hal! eaten !ood and empty drin# $ups Mom and Aram have $ornered =ieran% while Aramps !inds himsel! $ompletely mismat$hed with =ayla% given that he)s Mr >ersonality and she)s apparently trying to see how little she $an say to people and get away with it :So% given mu$h though to $ollege% =aylaC< Aramps as#s as I slide into the seat ne&t to him :Some < :Bell% I #now you *ust moved to the area% "ut you should ta#e a loo# at Sumner Areat town% good s$hool% strong li"eral arts $urri$ulum I don)t #now what you)re interested in ma*oring in "ut?< :Aive the girl a "rea#% Dad%< Mom interrupts% rolling her eyes !or =ayla)s "ene!it :Sorry% =ayla De)s retired !rom the art department% so he li#es to tal# the pla$e up I)m sure you)re learning everything you need to #now a"out Sumner !rom your dad < =ayla shi!ts her stare to the ta"le% $learly un$om!orta"le% whi$h I don)t get $onsidering
she)s gorgeous enough that she)s pro"a"ly "een the $enter o! attention !or most o! her li!e (onight% her sweater magni!ies the "lue in her eyes and ma#es her "la$# hair seem even dar#er than usual% "ut her thin lips hold a tight smile that I)ve $ome to re$ogniJe as the smile o! enduran$e% the smile o! :I)m only putting up with this stupid $rap "e$ause I have to < :;ip tells me you)re an athlete%< Aramps tries :(ra$# < :Hunning or !ield eventsC< :Hunning < :,ong distan$e or sprintC< :Distan$e < I glan$e over at =ieran Dis eyes !lutter as he struggles to stay awa#e in the warm room% "ut he still manages to give me a sly smile at his sister)s "ehavior As I wonder when Aramps is going to $ra$# a!ter getting so many $lipped responses% my Mom pipes up with :Doney% you should go get some !ood "e!ore it)s all gone I)m sure you)re hungry < My stoma$h must hear her% as hunger gnaws at me !or the !irst time sin$e entering the $a!eteria :.#ay%< I agree% standing :Any"ody need anythingC< Deads sha#e all around% and so I head to the !ood ta"le near the windows% "ut "e!ore I $an start loading the plasti$ plate% my mom)s at my arm :Dey Be)re leaving soon%< she whispers :+ut I *ust got here%< I say "a$# at normal volume :Not %ou I mean Aram and Aramps and me I put my $ar #eys in your $oat po$#et and I)m going to ride home with them%< she e&plains% sin$e Aram and Aramps had $ome to the game !rom some $lu" meeting or other while Mom and I drove straight !rom our house I don)t
immediately say anything% so she $ontinues% :Ao out with your !riends tonight Cele"rate Dang out with this "oy and have a good time?he seems li#e a great #id < =ieran is o!!i$ially the !irst guy to re$eive my mother)s stamp o! approval% pro"a"ly "e$ause he)s the !irst guy I)ve shown an interest in "eyond $hoosing partners !or two@on@two "as#et"all games :Don)t have too good o! a time% though%< she $orre$ts hersel! :You #now the rules No $raJy stu!!% and $all i! you)re going to "e out past midnight% o#ayC< :Aot it < She leans in and plants a #iss on my $hee# :I)m proud o! you% ;ip (onight and every night < :Aet out o! here "e!ore you start $rying%< I say through a sigh% wat$hing her tear up She "lin#s and gives me one last #iss "e!ore wal#ing "a$# to the ta"le% where my grandparents are putting on their $oats and saying their good"yes to =ieran and =ayla A!ter I load up my plate% several "oosters and parents o! my teammates stop me to o!!er $ongratulations and tell me what a good game I had% and rather than waiting !or me to struggle through the $rowd "a$# to my seat% my grandparents ma#e their way to the middle o! the $a!eteria to hug me good night as "est they $an with me holding a plate o! !ood .n$e my grandparents have gone and everyone else has le!t me alone% I $ross the $a!eteria "a$# to =ayla and =ieran =ayla)s standing "ehind her $hair% $oat on% while =ieran sits pi$#ing at some potato $hips :So%< =ayla "egins% :we were *ust a"out to?< :Be were *ust a"out to stay here and tal# with ;ip while she eats Hight% =aylaC< =ieran interrupts% shooting =ayla a loo# o! !a#e inno$en$e that she mat$hes with a death glare
:Be told Mom and Dad we)d "e home right a!ter the game%< she says% her voi$e hard with warning :Be)ve pro"a"ly "een out too long already < =ieran hit$hes up his shoulders and nods down at the "it o! !ood le!t on his plate :Ao home then I)m still eating < :KieranI< :Ka%la < De mimi$s her whine :Seriously I! you want to leave% leave I $an get a ride with ;ip% rightC< :Yeah%< I say% not really wanting to get in the middle o! this "uilding si"ling s'ua""le% "ut not wanting to "e a *er# a"out giving =ieran a ride% either :So what am I supposed to tell Mom and Dad% geniusC< =ayla as#s% !olding her arms a$ross her stoma$h :You)re out with some strange girl they)ve never metC (hey)ll lo+e that < I have to "ite "a$# a laugh at =ayla% o! all people% $alling me some strange girl =ieran pi$#s at his potato $hips again :Bell% yeah%< he tells his sister% not loo#ing up !rom his plate :You $an tell them I)m out with a reall% nice girl (ell them I have a real live !riend !or on$e and I a$tually want to hang out li#e a regular #id (ell them I got #idnapped "y aliens I don)t #now?tell them whatever you want I don)t $are Borry a"out yoursel! !or on$e in your stupid li!e < =ayla)s mouth !alls open as i! she)s trying to swallow the right words out o! the hot air o! the $a!eteria to spit "a$# at =ieran% "ut she presses her lips together instead% shooting me a loo# so sharp and severe% I !eel li#e I)m "eing $ut open She turns on her heel and storms away !rom us% pushing past a small group $onsisting o! Cassie% ,auren% +ill% Ashley% and +rad Balla$e standing near the $a!eteria doors (hey stop whatever $onversation they)re having as =ayla whiJJes "y% her speed twisting them around as i! they)re weathervanes spinning on top o! a "arn
:So% your sister hates me%< I tell =ieran% putting my plate down on the ta"le and de$iding now is as good a time as any to get =ayla)s i$y treatment o! me out in the open with at least one o! the ,aniers% i! not the one I should "e $on!ronting :She doesn)t hate you%< =ieran says through a tiny laugh as I pull out a $hair and sit down a$ross !rom him :Bell% she sure doesn)t like me very mu$h < =ieran shrugs and pro$eeds to $ontradi$t himsel! :=ayla hates every"ody (hat)s who she is It)s% li#e% a de!ense me$hanism or something < :Against whatC< I as#% shoveling in a !ew potato $hips :-verything% pretty mu$h It)s her prote$tor thing% I thin# She)s seen me get made !un o! or ignored enough times she)s put up this wall around "oth o! us to #eep the haters away It)s li#e she)s so used to "eing pissed o!! at people it)s her permanent state o! e&isten$e at this point Don)t ta#e it personally < :She $alled me some strange girl%< I point out a!ter a "ite o! tur#ey sandwi$h :Dard not to ta#e that personally < :Again% =ayla "eing =ayla She)s pro"a"ly *ust having a hard time ad*usting to someone "eing ni$e to me !or on$e And% anyway% you are a strange girl < De !lashes that grin at me and I almost ta#e pride in =ayla)s des$ription :I mean that in the "est way possi"le% o! $ourse I like strange girls?strange girls with uni'ue ni$#names in parti$ular < :(han#s < .n the outside% I)m giving him a snar#y smile% "ut inside% my heart)s ra$ing "e$ause I)m not used to guys !lirting with me :You)re wel$ome%< he says% stealing a $hip !rom my plate sin$e he)s !inished all o! his :Seriously% though% don)t stress a"out =ayla She)ll $ome around Be)ve never had $lose !riends%
and neither have my mom and dad Be don)t have one o! those houses where people $ome over and hang out% and my parents don)t so$ialiJe a whole lot It)s always sort o! "een us against the world !or some reason?my $ondition% I guess < Lnsure o! what to say% I turn my attention "a$# to my !ood% and =ieran wat$hes me eat in silen$e A!ter I)m done% I loo# around and noti$e the $rowd)s thinned out A !ew o! my teammates stand around in the main hall% pro"a"ly ma#ing plans !or the rest o! the evening% while several adults linger at the $a!eteria ta"les?+ooster Clu" mem"ers% I assume% who would have to sti$# around and $lean up a!ter everyone :Be should pro"a"ly go%< he tells me% seeing that we)re alone with a "un$h o! adults :Danging with you all night would "e !un given what)s pro"a"ly waiting !or me at home% "ut I)m guessing I shouldn)t push this whole KDit$hing My Sister) thing too hard on the !irst try < Be put our $oats on% and =ieran pi$#s up our plates and $ups while I gra" my gym "ag and sling it over my shoulder =ieran dumps our trash on the way out o! the $a!eteria and !ollows me down a side hallway "y the lo$#er rooms% whi$h allows us to avoid the group o! girls standing in the !ront entry?not that they)d invite us to go anywhere with them anyway% sin$e everyone thin#s =ieran)s $reepy and they pro"a"ly assume the two o! us want to "e alone so we $an run o!! and get married or something At the end o! the hall% I push one o! the dou"le doors open out into the /e"ruary $old :So you thin# you)re in "ig trou"leC< I as#% my words slow and heavy% as i! they)re struggling against the wind $hill to leave the warmth o! my mouth :No idea%< he rasps "a$# :Never told =ayla to leave somewhere without me "e!ore < A!ter what seems li#e a miles@long tre# through the winter gale "atting us in the !a$e% we rea$h my mom)s other "a"y% a "la$# 1634 Chevy Camaro she and Aramps "ought and lovingly
restored a !ew years ago% par#ed in !ront o! the !en$e lining the !oot"all !ield I unlo$# =ieran)s door and head around to the driver)s side% starting the engine and $ran#ing the de!roster up high on$e I)m inside (he !ront window thaws and I pull onto Main Street% ma#ing the almost immediate le!t turn down the $ounty road =ieran and I don)t tal# in the three minutes it ta#es me to drive to his house I)m too "usy thin#ing a"out how guilty I !eel that he)s pro"a"ly going to get in trou"le !or !ighting with =ayla and staying at s$hool with me% and he seems preo$$upied with unJipping his $oat to sti$# his hand inside% !eeling around li#e he)s sear$hing !or something in an inner po$#et :Do you want me to go in with youC< I as#% turning right into the M$Ca!!erys)?I mean% the .aniers(?driveway and heading up the slight hill I)m o!!ering *ust to "e polite "e$ause I)m not sure I want to meet his parents under these $ir$umstan$es (han#!ully% =ieran lets me o!! the hoo# :Nah I should pro"a"ly handle this one mysel!%< he tells me as I pull in "ehind =ayla)s Feep Chero#ee Dis hand is still inside his $oat% ma#ing him loo# li#e a modern version o! the Napoleon painting reprinted in my world history te&t"oo# !rom !reshman year :.#ay (his is dum"%< he says% pulling a !olded s'uare o! paper out to give to me :+ut this is !or you < I ta#e the gi!t and un!old it into a sheet that)s a"out as large as an eight "y ten photograph% something s#et$hed a$ross the sur!a$e that I $an)t ma#e out in the dar# Bhen I turn on the interior lights% I dis$over =ieran)s given me a pen$il drawing o! a single rose with two leaves on its narrow stem% e&pert shading $reating the $ontrast "etween the individual petals :I drew that during some !ree time we had in art $lass%< he e&plains% his eyes not meeting mine when I loo# !rom the paper to him :It)s "eauti!ul%< I "reathe
:Bell% I wanted you to have it You #now?!or Nalentine)s Day < My "rain ra$es% trying to re$all the date I visualiJe my "as#et"all s$hedule in my mind and remem"er that it)s /e"ruary tenth :Nalentine)s Day isn)t until Bednesday%< I point out :Yeah I #now +ut your Hegional game is Bednesday% rightC You)re going to "e pretty preo$$upied "etween now and then% so I "rought this with me tonight in $ase we ended up alone at some point < =ieran loo#s out the windshield toward the garage% "ut I $an still see the now@ !amiliar grin :(hat)s why I started in on =ayla?I wanted to ma#e sure we)d have at least a !ew minutes alone so I $ould give this to you < I give an aw#ward little laugh% "ut my heart)s !reeJing along with my "rain "e$ause I)ve never "een in a situation li#e this "e!ore Bhat do I do nowC Do I #iss himC Bait !or him to #iss meC :(han# you%< I say% wishing I didn)t su$# at everything not involving s$hool or sports =ieran glan$es at me% !a$e red% and sin$e my $hee#s are on !ire as well% I turn the interior light o!! to save "oth o! us I stare down at the drawing !or a !ew se$onds and when I li!t my eyes% I see that =ieran)s !allen asleep% his "ody turned toward me in his seat% his le!t $hee# smashed against the "la$# $loth Slowly% "e$ause I)m not sure i! I should% I rea$h out and tou$h his !a$e% the s#in still warm with em"arrassment% and he "lin#s "a$# awa#e "eneath my hand% prompting me to *er# away as i! I)ve tou$hed a hot stove "urner :Sorry%< he whispers% not saying anything a"out my tou$hing him :It)s o#ay < :So% I should go inside% I guess%< he says% whatever moment that may have "een a"out to happen "etween us now "ro#en than#s to his momentary sleep :Mom and Dad are pro"a"ly a$hing to yell at me Bouldn)t want to #eep them waiting any longer <
:>ro"a"ly not < =ieran opens the door% the tension draining !rom the $ar out into the !rigid air :So I)ll tal# to you Monday% i! not "e!ore%< he says% slipping out o! the seat "elt :Sure (e&t me i! you want to tal# a"out A 0e!arate Peace%la$ing the rose drawing on the seat where he was *ust a moment "e!ore% I wat$h =ieran as he lopes "ehind the $ar over to the narrow $on$rete wal# $onne$ting the driveway and the !ront por$h% his shoulders hun$hed up against the $old .n$e on the steps% he gives me a little wave and% #nowing he)ll soon "e sa!ely inside% I ma#e a =@turn and head "a$# down the drive towards the road% my heart"eat steady !or the !irst time in several minutes
Chapter 6
Hegionals are a total disaster% right !rom the opening tip Daving split our two regular season $ontests against (us$ulum% ea$h team winning in !ront o! their home $rowd% our !irst@ round game would not only determine who would play in /riday)s Hegional !inal% "ut would also $rown a de!initive vi$tor in our $ross@$ounty rivalry !or the season Ln!ortunately% our Hegional was long ago s$heduled !or (us$ulum)s gym% and they manage to pa$# an entire side with rowdy !ans% the visitors) "lea$hers $onsisting o! the usual meager (itusville turnout Not that the la$# o! a home $ourt advantage is what ultimately does us in Be su$#ed so hard our *unior high team $ould)ve "eaten us tonight in (itusville)s gym in !ront o! a !ull house Mar$y and I spend most o! the game tossing up "ri$#s !rom the three@point line% the "all "oun$ing o!! the rim with a $lun#ing sound I)ll hear in my nightmares !or wee#s And even though I)m !ouled almost every time I drive to the "as#et% the re!s don)t $all anything In the se$ond 'uarter% a!ter one o! the (us$ulum !orwards pretty o"viously ha$#s my wrist when I "low "y her% $ausing the "all to go out o! "ounds instead o! up to the hoop% I lose my mind and turn to the re!eree as Coa$h $alls a time out to stop the $arnage :Come on%< I yell% $are!ul not to get in the re!)s !a$e :She)s killing me down here < (he re! sha#es her head to indi$ate she didn)t see a !oul% and I turn away muttering :.#ay Bhatever You)ve got to "e #idding me < Ln!ortunately% I don)t mutter 'uietly enough% and the re! ma#es the sign !or a te$hni$al !oul "e!ore wal#ing over to the s$orer)s ta"le to give my num"er I *og to the "en$h% head lowered% never having had a meltdown li#e that during a game "e!ore :Ara" a seat until you $ool o!!% M$=ee%< Coa$h tells me as I slin# to the sideline and put a towel over my head% listening to her s$old the starting !ive !or our sloppy play "e!ore
reminding us that we)ve still got two and a hal! 'uarters le!t (he team "rea#s the huddle and (ori Sandows#y% our sophomore guard% ta#es over !or me at point !or the rest o! the 'uarter I assure Coa$h at hal!time that I $an #eep it together% so she puts me "a$# in !or the se$ond hal! +ut it)s too late?despite a surge in the !ourth 'uarter% our season ends with a 02@24 loss A!ter the "uJJer% we all drag ourselves to mid$ourt to slap hands and tell the vi$tors :Aood game < +a$# on the "en$h% the standing ovation we get !rom our !ans doesn)t do mu$h to ease my pain% espe$ially $onsidering their applause is mostly drowned out "y the $ele"ration ta#ing pla$e on the other side o! the gym I sear$h the $rowd !or my !amily and !inally !ind them near the top o! the "lea$hers% their smiles and waves 'ui$#ly !orgotten at the sight o! =ieran standing ne&t to Mom% waving at me and grinning li#e a mania$ I hold out my hands and $o$# my head in a sort o! silent :Bhat are you doing hereC< pose% "e$ause tonight)s a s$hool night and =ayla doesn)t seem to "e around anywhere De #eeps grinning and shrugs his shoulders as i! his "eing at the game is no "ig deal% and I have to put the mystery on hold temporarily as I *og o!! to the lo$#er room to deal with the Most Depressing >ost@Aame Meeting -ver Coa$h ma#es the e&pe$ted spee$h a"out how tonight we weren)t the "etter team% "ut we made a good e!!ort and she)s so proud and "lah% "lah% "lah :Dold your heads up%< she says% pointing her $lip"oard at us in the stu!!y lo$#er room% sweat "eads standing out on her !orehead :You a$$omplished more than any other "as#et"all team in (itusville history?"oys) or girls) +e$ause o! that% you)ll all live !orever in the halls o! (itusville Senior Digh S$hool < Dearing how our !irst@round loss will live !orever doesn)t ma#e me !eel any "etter?in !a$t% it #ind o! ma#es me want to throw up Coa$h)s attempt at a "ig "udget movie@level inspiring spee$h doesn)t seem to "e helping anyone else% either Canda$e% Marissa% and =elsey Mar#ey are so""ing their eyes out as Mar$y and I hug on a "en$h in !ront o! the lo$#ers% Mar$y
$rying on my shoulder None o! them has gotten s$holarship o!!ers anywhere yet% so unless they de$ide to try out wherever they end up !or $ollege% they)ve played what $ould potentially "e their last $ompetitive "as#et"all game% whi$h reminds me that ne&t year% I)ll "e one o! the so""ing seniors My teeth grind against ea$h other% and I ma#e mysel! a promiseE "e1t %ear$ we(re taking e+er%thing'we(re winning 0tate/ And i, I(m cr%ing$ it(ll be because I(m so ha!!% I can(t stand it/ My vow !or my "as#et"all !uture steels me until I get to the "us% where I almost "rea# down when I !ind my mom waiting among the other parents !or a 'ui$# good"ye "e!ore we all $aravan "a$# south to (itusville :Doney% I)m sorry%< she "reathes% gathering me into her arms A so" wor#s its way up !rom my stoma$h% and I ta#e a deep "reath to $alm mysel! Daving never $ried in pu"li$ "e!ore% I don)t intend to start now :It)s o#ay%< I mum"le% not in the mood to relive the game at the moment% and lu$#ily% I)ve got the per!e$t topi$ $hange :Did =ieran $ome with youC< :No De *ust sat with us De rode up on the spirit "us < My head *er#s in surprise :(he spirit "usC You)re #idding < :I)ll let him e&plain when we get to town?I)m driving him "a$#%< she says% my grandparents on$e again having ta#en a separate $ar sin$e they drove over !rom Sumner% where Aramps drives Aram to a poetry $lass three days a wee# and then hangs around !or $o!!ee with some o! his pro!essor !riends :.#ay < I nod% loo#ing over my shoulder at my teammates entering the "us :I)d "etter go < Mom smoothes some loose hair "ehind my ear and presses her !orehead to mine% ignoring the gumminess o! dried sweat on my !a$e :I)m proud o! you% you #nowC I don)t $are how many
"as#et"all games you lose You)re still my #id and you ro$# the !ree world < :(han#s% Mom% "ut any senten$e with the word Klose) isn)t helping me right now < :Dow a"out KNo matter how many games you don)t win)C< :Ni$e try < I smile% rea$hing out to ru!!le her hair :I do what I $an%< Mom says :See you at home < I hit$h my gym "ag up on my shoulder and get on the "us% ignoring my teammates as I head !or the "a$#% all o! us so trapped in our individual grie! that we)re ta#ing advantage o! the !a$t the "us is "ig enough that we don)t have to share seats .n$e I)m settled in the last row% I put my headphones on and sear$h the musi$ player on my phone !or the $opy o! the Nirvana dis$ I "urned !rom Mom% the grungy rhythms and angry lyri$s the per!e$t musi$al a$$ompaniment to my "ad mood (he "us groans and shudders% pulling away !rom the "attle!ield where we went down to de!eat% and in a !ew minutes% we)re on the highway% $hugging "a$# to (itusville Bith Nirvana)s "e+ermind "lasting in my ears% I pull my legs to my $hest% lower my !orehead to the $revi$e "etween my #nees% and let loose% hoping no one $an hear me "awling even though I)m sure most o! my teammates are pro"a"ly doing the same thing Bhen the "us slows down as it pulls into (itusville% I ta#e several deep "reaths and start drying my eyes with the "a$# o! my hand% the e!!ort involved in trying to stop $rying almost enough to ma#e me $ry harder Be lur$h over the tra!!i$ "umps in the s$hool par#ing lot as my deep "reathing !inally manages to slow the !lood o! tears% and I)m $on!ident I $an get o!! the "us and not loo# li#e a total moron I wait a minute or two a!ter we)ve par#ed "ehind the lo$#er room so I)m the last one o!!% the $rying over "ut my eyelids swollen% the world in !ront o! me little more than a "la$# nighttime "lur :Dey < =ieran)s voi$e $at$hes me as I step down and start wal#ing !orward% my attention
!o$used on !inding Mom)s $ar so I $an go home% $rawl into "ed% and hope!ully wa#e up tomorrow morning to !ind this whole evening was a "ad dream :Dey Sorry?didn)t see you < I sni!!le% and I hope he thin#s it)s "e$ause o! the $old weather :It)s o#ay < ,i!ting my hand to my !a$e% I wipe some tears away% praying he doesn)t noti$e :So% um% where)s my momC< I as#% voi$e sha#ing :She drove me "a$# and went home with your grandparents She thought you might want to "e with a !riend < =ieran)s "row wrin#les :Are you $ryingC< Another sni!!le I don)t #now i! I)m more em"arrassed over the tears or "e$ause my mom)s engineered this situation in whi$h =ieran and I $an "e alone I)m grate!ul that I have su$h an amaJing mom who wants to loo# out !or me on (he Borst Night o! My Young ,i!e% "ut I)m also a little !rustrated that she)s essentially !or$ing me to share this o$$asion with (he Auy I Sort o! =ind o! (hin# I Might ,i#e% whi$h $ould potentially ma#e this (he Most -m"arrassing Night o! My Young ,i!e :No?it)s *ustI< (he tears start again% mostly out o! !rustration at not "eing a"le to $ome up with a good lie =ieran responds "y stepping !orward into the spa$e "etween us and wrapping his arms around me My "ody is so limp and e&hausted I $an)t return the hug% and so I *ust stand with my arms at my sides% indulging in a long% heavy so" on his shoulder% the vinyl o! his $oat $old and rough against my $hee# As mu$h as I)d li#e to over@analyJe this moment in whi$h =ieran)s holding me !or the !irst time% I)m too num"% too wra$#ed with so"s to thin#% and my $oat)s so thi$# I $an "arely !eel him holding me anyway% "oth o! us in our pu!!y "la$# winter wear pro"a"ly loo#ing !rom a distan$e li#e a giganti$ "urnt marshmallow with two human heads
:Cry as mu$h as you need to%< =ieran says% and I hear his hand ru""ing up and down the "a$# o! my $oat :Don)t "e em"arrassed% o#ayC I understand < I pull away "e$ause my nose is starting to run and I don)t want to get snot on him Dropping my heavy gym "ag to the ground% I !ish around in my $oat po$#et !or a tissue :Be didn)t get past the !irst round%< I moan% wiping my nostrils :I played as hard as I $ould% "ut I *ust $ouldn)t "ring us "a$# < =ieran "rea#s into that now@!amiliar grin :+as#et"all)s a team sport% rightC So don)t put this all on yoursel! I don)t #now mu$h% "ut that other team loo#ed pretty good < :(hey were (onight they were% anyway%< I grum"le% #i$#ing my tennis shoe against the pavement :Bell% this was the !irst time the team had "een to Hegionals% rightC So you guys have already done more than any"ody else (hat)s something to "e proud o! < :(han#s%< I tell him% allowing mysel! a little smile at how mu$h "etter those sentiments sound $oming !rom him than !rom Coa$h Denton :You)re a pro at $heering people up% you #nowC< :Bell% when you)ve spent most o! your li!e "eing told to su$# it up and get over whatever em"arrassing thing you)ve done this time% you !igure out what wor#s and what doesn)t < :Spea#ing o! em"arrassing%< I start% rea$hing up to wipe away the last o! the tears at the $orners o! my eyes :I don)t want you to thin# I do this all the time?$rying% I mean I $an)t remem"er ever $rying in !ront o! anyone "esides my mom And may"e my grandparents when I was little < >la$ing a hand over his heart% he says% :I)m honored I thin# Should I "e honoredC< :Ao ahead and "e honored%< I tell him% #i$#ing at the pavement again :And I)ll go ahead
and "e em"arrassed < =ieran steps !orward and puts his arms "a$# around me :Bhat do you say we "e honored and em"arrassed in your $arC I)m !reeJing < De pulls away and nods over his shoulder% and I !ollow his gesture to the Camaro sitting alone in the par#ing spa$es at the edge o! the lot :Be should start home "e$ause the longer I)m out here the longer I)m pro"a"ly grounded% soI< :Yeah%< I say% sha#ing o!! the sadness long enough to remem"er my $on!usion over seeing =ieran standing ne&t to Mom in the (us$ulum "lea$hers :So what)s the deal with you sitting with my !amily at the gameC I didn)t thin# you $ould go out on s$hool nights And I hear you too# the spirit "us up to (us$ulumC< =ieran ta#es the #eys !rom his $oat po$#et and tosses them to me as we start !or the $ar :I wanted to $ome and =ayla didn)t% so there was no way I)d get permission i! she wouldn)t go along with it%< he says :So I told =ayla I mouthed o!! during alge"ra and had detention% and she waited !or me in the li"rary < :+ut you never $ame to get her "e$ause you got on the spirit "us%< I !inish !or him :-&a$tly < :So how did that goC< I as#% trying to imagine =ieran sitting on a "us with a"out thirty people who were pro"a"ly !rea#ed out "y his presen$e :You #now% I was #ind o! worried at !irst +ut while we were loading up% I !ound +rad Balla$e and as#ed i! I $ould sit with him < :+rad)s $ool < :Yeah I mean% I #now he)s supposed to "e ni$e to every"ody sin$e he)s Student +ody >resident and all% "ut he never seems li#e he)s *ust !a#ing% so I too# a $han$e And he was totally $ool and said he)d loo# out !or me I slept most o! the way% "ut he wo#e me up when we got
there and when I saw your mom and your grandparents% they insisted I sit with them < :.! $ourse%< I say% as I unlo$# his door and he gets in :And was riding "a$# with my mom o#ayC< I pro"a"ly seem $alm% "ut I)m dying inside =nowing Mom% she)d "e "lunt enough to pump =ieran !or in!ormation a"out any !eelings he may or may not have !or me% in whi$h $ase I may have to punish her "y running away !rom home :.h% yeah She told me lots o! em"arrassing stories !rom when you were little < =ieran laughs as I get in on my side and start the engine :Areat%< I mum"le% pulling out o! the par#ing spa$e :Did she tell you these stories "e!ore or a!ter she !igured out your parents didn)t give you permission to "e at the gameC< :It dawned on her around hal!time that I might "e la$#ing parental $onsent to travel to the other side o! the $ounty She made me $all my mom and e&plain% and I promised I)d "e home as soon as possi"le a!ter the game ended < I put the Camaro in gear and steer us out o! the par#ing lot% the s$hool)s nightlights all that illuminate Main Street on this end o! town :So how mu$h trou"le are you inC< I as# :.h% I)m dead% "asi$ally < :I)ll drive slow% then < Be ride together in silen$e !or a"out two minutes in an almost e&a$tly replay o! our trip home a!ter the Sumner game% "ut when my grandparents) house $omes into view up ahead o! us% =ieran surprises me "y saying :You #now whatC I don)t want to go home yet < :You sureC< :Bell% I)m in trou"le no matter what% rightC So who $aresC Can we go hang out somewhereC<
:,i#e% with other peopleC< :Alone% pre!era"ly < Allowing mysel! a 'ui$# glan$e at him% I noti$e he)s all hun$hed up in his $oat% as i! trying to hide his !a$e :I mean% li#e% alone alone% i! possi"le< he $ontinues :III)ve got something I need to tell you < .#ay?I)m totally pani$#ing (oday)s Nalentine)s Day I thin# o! the $herry heart lollipops I "ought !rom the Student Coun$il "e!ore !irst period and slipped into his lo$#er at lun$h% the lollipops he enthusiasti$ally than#ed me !or during another Crumpled >aper Note >assing session in history $lass (hose su$#ers pro"a"ly ran# as the Borld)s Borst Nalentine)s Day Ai!ts in $omparison to the rose drawing he gave me the other night% whi$h I hung a"ove the des# in my room And now he)s got something he needs to tell me .n Nalentine)s Day Should I ta#e him to the lot at the a"andoned +u$#ley He!rigeration plant out "y the interstate% where hal! the s$hool)s pro"a"ly headed to ma#e out right nowC .r I $ould drive us to the "oat laun$h that)s down a gravel path o!! the road we live on% a"out !our more miles outside town (he "oat laun$h isn)t a pla$e people usually go to hoo# up% mostly "e$ause no one #nows a"out it unless they li#e to !ish And while I de!initely don)t li#e !ishing% Aramps does% and so I)ve "een there with him several times over the years to #eep him $ompany :.#ay%< I tell him :I #now somewhere we $an go < .n the outside% I)m $alm enough to #eep $ontrol o! the $ar Inside% however% I)m a"out to $ome out o! my s#in I)ve never hoo#ed up with anyone "e!ore?assuming that)s what)s going to happen?and I)ve had only one /ren$h #iss% whi$h was a total train wre$# +a$# in eighth grade% Cassie had a party in her "asement when her parents went to the +ahamas and her grandmother
$ame to "a"ysit Arandma New"aum !ell dead asleep upstairs% allowing Cassie to snea# people in A!ter he as#ed% I started slow dan$ing with +illy M$Ca!!ery% the grandson o! my !ormer ne&t@ door neigh"ors% mostly "e$ause he was the only other person without a partner +illy and I had "een ro$#ing "a$# and !orth along with !ive other $ouples !or a"out a minute when I as#ed him some 'uestion and he used the opportunity to shove his tongue in my open mouth I was so sho$#ed I $ouldn)t do anything !or a !ew se$onds other than $on$entrate on the i$#y sensation o! an eel@li#e mass po#ing my $hee#s in sear$h o! my tongue% whi$h at the moment was trying to wor# its way down my throat% evidently willing to ris# $ho#ing me to death in order to save me /inally% I $ame to my senses and pushed him away% "ut not !ar enough that I $ouldn)t #nee him in the $rot$h De yelled so loud Cassie)s grandma wo#e up% and we all had "arely es$aped the "asement through the sliding glass door "y the time she $ame downstairs to listen to Cassie)s lie that she was singing along with a song on the CD player So% yeah?I)m way% wa% ine&perien$ed =ieran and I have never tal#ed a"out hoo#ing up ?with ea$h other or with anyone else?so !or all I #now% he messed around with every girl in Asheville% North Carolina% "e!ore he moved here% assuming he was a"le to stay awa#e long enough to do so Deart thudding with anti$ipation% I slow the $ar to ma#e the turn /rom the $orner o! my eye% I see he)s sound asleep% "ut not !or long% as our rum"ling down the gravel wa#es him up :Bhere are weC< he as#s :I remem"er we passed my houseI< :(here)s a "oat laun$h down here%< I tell him as we "oun$e down the hill on a tree@lined road "arely wide enough !or my $ar Not too !ar !rom the river)s edge% the path opens up into a larger gravel@$overed area that $ould hold may"e !ive or si& $ars Fust in $ase someone else de$ides to $ome down here tonight% I pull over to the !ar right side near the trees and ease the $ar
!orward until we)re a !ew !eet !rom the water +e!ore I turn o!! the engine% I ma#e sure to put on the emergen$y "ra#e so this evening doesn)t end with the two o! us rolling into the river =ieran ta#es a minute to loo# around :So when I said Kalone%) you too# me seriously < :You were *o#ingC< :No% "ut I had no idea pla$es were this se$luded out here I mean% in North Carolina% you $an go out in the woods or up in the mountains and get lost !or days < De pauses again and I *oin him in ta#ing in the s$ene outside the windshield% the river)s sur!a$e lit an eerie white "y a hal!@ moon% the trees and the opposite "an# splot$hy shadows against the "la$#@"lue s#y :I guess I didn)t e&pe$t this here And I)m really hoping tonight)s not the night I !ind out you)re a serial #iller < I open my eyes wide li#e a $raJy person% ta#e on a "lan# e&pression% and dart my !a$e toward his to s$are him De lets out a yelp% and we "oth have a good laugh :So I hope I didn)t !rea# you out "e!ore when I said I wanted to tell you something%< he says% so"ering up :Not at all%< I lie De ta#es o!! his seat "elt and swivels around toward me I do the same so we)re !a$ing ea$h other% "oth o! us leaning our heads against our seats :I)ve never met anyone li#e you%< he $ontinues :Anyone I #now I $an trust with things% I mean Sometimes it)s hard when all you have is your !amily to tal# with a"out stu!! You !eel so "ottled up you thin# you)re going to e&plode < I wish I $ould relate% and may"e I #ind o! do .ther than what my mom)s "een a"le to sort o! !igure out% I haven)t told anyone how I thin# I might !eel a"out =ieran% even though everyone at s$hool assumes we)re pra$ti$ally engaged I don)t want whatever I have with him?
even i! I)m the only one o! us who thin#s we have it?to "e dragged down to the level o! $a!eteria gossip and study hall whispers +ut sometimes% I wish I had someone to tal# to% "e$ause I)m so unused to dealing with "oys as anything other than "uddies and pi$#@up game opponents and I)m totally lost :I don)t even #now where to start e&a$tly%< =ieran says :No one #nows a"out this outside my !amily% and it)s so out there I)m a!raid you might not "elieve me < My nerves get the "etter o! me% so I try some humor :You)re an alien% rightC< I as#% narrowing my eyes :I #new it < =ieran grins% willing to play along :Nope Auess again < :.#ay You)re a vampire You)re really a hundred years old < De sha#es his head against the seat and says% :Not even $lose < :So you)re not an alien and you)re not a vampire Bhat)s your deal% then% =ieran ,anierC< :My deal%< he "egins% his eyelids drooping a little% :isIwellII have these vivid dreams sometimes ,i#e I)m almost awa#e < =ieran snuggles into the seat% and I worry he)ll !all asleep "e!ore he tells me whatever he)s going to tell me and I)ll have to wa#e him up to get the reveal (he "oy)s "asi$ally a human $li!!hanger :Dave you ever had a dream with people you don)t re$ogniJe or you)re somepla$e you)ve never "een% and later you meet those people or go to that pla$e in real li!e and you #ind o! #now everything)s !amiliarC< :You mean li#e a premonition or somethingC< :Sort o! <
I shrug my shoulders :I mean% I)ve heard a"out that happening to people% "ut I don)t thin# it happens to me < :Bell% it #ind o! happens to me < =ieran sits up again and I sit up also% the two o! us mirror images o! ea$h other in the moonlight :Bhat are you saying% e&a$tlyC< I as# De loo#s away :I)m saying I dream things?vivid dreams a"out stu!! that hasn)t happened yet < De swallows hard% letting his eyes travel to mine again :And then that stu!! happens <
Chapter 7
I try to wrap my head around what =ieran)s said :So% you dream a"out the !uture and it happensC< :=ind o! < :Do you dream SA( s$oresC< I "lurt out :Please tell me you dream SA( s$ores I)d love to #now in advan$e how I)m going to do on that thing < I wish my "iJarre sense o! humor wouldn)t #i$# in when I)m nervous% "ut relie! washes over me when =ieran loo#s up and grins :Nope In !a$t% now that you "ring it up% I)m #ind o! pissed Seriously?all the things I dream a"out% and I $an)t dream a"out stu!! li#e thatC Bhat the hellC< :+ut you said you only kind o, dream a"out the !uture%< I point out :Yeah I guess it)s di!!erent than having a premonition o! something% "e$ause !rom what I)ve read a"out premonitions% people dream or get visions o! entire s$enes or in$idents and stu!!% and that)s not what happens to me at all I *ust get little !lashes It)s li#e trying to read a "oo# and !inding out pages are missing ,i#e% I had a dream a !ew months "e!ore we moved here and saw part o! our house?the !ront door and the por$h area +ut I didn)t really dream anything else I didn)t dream my parents pi$#ing out the house or anything < :So did you tell your parents when you $ame here KDey?I)ve seen our house "e!oreC)< :I mentioned the dream a!ter we moved% "ut even i! I)d said something "e!ore they started house hunting% it)s not li#e they would)ve made a de$ision "ased on what I told them I mean% sometimes I dream things that don)t happen at all% so I $an)t e&a$tly predi$t the !uture or anything < My "row wrin#les as I $on$entrate :So you still have !ree will% "asi$ally You don)t
dream things $ompletely enough to prepare or try to $hange the !uture < :-&a$tly I only saw part o! the house% so it)s not li#e I $ould have led us right to it i! I)d $ome here with them when they were loo#ing !or pla$es to live In !a$t% a!ter we moved% I)d "een in the house !or a"out !i!teen minutes "e!ore it sun# in that I)d seen part o! the pla$e "e!ore% "e$ause all I get are these little "lips So i! I did dream a"out your SA( s$ores% I)d pro"a"ly only dream your math s$ores or something li#e that < I loo# away% out the windshield and a$ross the river at the outline o! the swaying trees% trying to $olle$t my thoughts :So how are you sure you)re reall% dreaming the !uture "e!ore it happensC< I as# :,i#e you said% every"ody gets a sort o! KYeah?I thin# I had a dream a"out this on$e) moment sometimes Dow do you #now all your dreams aren)t random instead o! *ust some o! themC< =ieran !olds his arms over his $hest% ma#ing me worry !or a se$ond that he might "e mad at me !or $hallenging him% "ut when he starts tal#ing again% I $an see his "reath and I realiJe he)s pro"a"ly *ust $old :(he dreams sort o! $ome in waves with% li#e% patterns to them%< he e&plains :I mean% sometimes% I)ll *ust get a !lash o! something?li#e the !ront door to our house?and I)ll see it later May"e that)s totally random +ut other times% I)ll dream the same thing or the same types o! things over and over% and they)ll show up in real li!e < :.#ay%< I say% voi$e !lat% and he gives me an e&ample without my needing to as# :I)ll tell you a"out how I !irst noti$ed it My dad)s always en$ouraged me to #eep a dream *ournal So whenever I dream% I try to write down what happened or draw pi$tures o! things as soon as I $an I)ve got a whole "un$h o! note"oo#s at home going all the way "a$# to when I was eight or so Anyway% in !i!th grade% I started having these dreams a"out =ayla getting a medal !or something Not too long a!ter% she *oined a tra$# $lu" and was starting to ra$e a"out
every other month Bhen I loo#ed "a$# over my *ournals a!ter her !irst several meets% I noti$ed every time =ayla medaled% I)d dreamt a"out her medaling a !ew wee#s "e!ore < :Dow did =ayla rea$tC< I wonder aloud% "e$ause I don)t thin# I)d li#e #nowing the out$ome o! one o! my games "e!orehand :Bell% at !irst I didn)t tell her% "e$ause I wasn)t sure what I was seeing .n$e I re$ogniJed the pattern% I told her a!ter one o! her ra$es And% I mean% in the dreams% she)s *ust getting a medal% "ut I $an never tell what #ind% so I don)t #now i! she)s a$tually won the ra$e or i! she)s getting one o! those medals they give out sometimes to every"ody who !inishes Anyway% she made me swear never to say anything to her "e$ause she didn)t want to #now a"out her ra$es "e!ore she ran them So I put everything in my dream *ournal and we don)t tal# a"out it < .n$e =ieran)s !inished his e&planation% I wra$# my "rain !or something appropriate to say% "ut nothing $omes :It)s o#ay i! you don)t "elieve me%< he says% $utting through my aw#ward silen$e :I! I were you% I wouldn)t "uy this% either I mean% I)m not all that sure my parents and =ayla really "elieve this happens% so I de!initely don)t e&pe$t you to +ut they)ve always told me not to tell people?I guess so people don)t get even more !rea#ed out "y me than they already are?so it)s li#e thisIthing I)ve "een $arrying around !or so long Bhether you "elieve me or not% *ust tal#ing a"out it is sort o! a relie! < Donestly% I)m not sure I "elieve =ieran dreams the !uture% "ut what I "elieve doesn)t matter 4e "elieves% and "e$ause he)s my !riend?and "e$ause I)m the !irst person outside his !amily he)s $hosen to trust with this in!ormation?then I should support him in that "elie! A!ter all% thin#ing you dream things "e!ore they happen isn)t a$tually harm,ul or anything I! he were
sitting here telling me he "elieved he was a superhero and tomorrow he was planning on =ayla driving him to the Sears (ower so he $ould leap o!! the top and soar over Chi$ago !ighting $rime% then may"e I)d tell him I didn)t "elieve him And I)d also suggest he and his dad have a long tal# less o! the !ather@son variety and more o! the $ounselor@patient type +ut "elieving you #ind o! sort o! may"e get a small glimpse o! the !uture sometimesC (hat)s no "ig thing :I "elieve you < :HeallyC< he whispers% his eyes so wide I)m a little a!raid his eyelids might turn inside out :+e$ause this is wa% out there?I get that < :I don)t have any reason to thin# you)re messing with me So it)s $ool (al# to me a"out this #ind o! stu!! whenever you want < :(han#s%< he says% e&haling as i! he)s "een holding his "reath !or years :(hat meansI you have no ideaI< :=ieran% we)re !riends You $an tell me anything < .n my mention o! us "eing !riends% his !a$e dar#ens a little% and I #now I)ve said the wrong thing +ut "e!ore I $an thin# o! what to do to rewind the moment% =ieran)s pulled his phone !rom his $oat po$#et to $he$# the time :.#ay I)m so dead And I)m !reeJing < (he $old ma#es his words almost visi"le as they leave his mouth :You should pro"a"ly ta#e me home < In silent agreement% I start the $ar% turn the de!rosters on% and "a$# away !rom the water so I $an pull !orward and around in a semi@$ir$le to drive us up the hill toward the main road :I promise I won)t tell anyone what we tal#ed a"out%< I assure him as I ease out onto the "la$#top and gun the engine :I appre$iate that I! any"ody else #new a"out thisI< De doesn)t $ontinue% "ut I understand =ieran)s already the s$hool weirdo% !air or not
Some rumor going around that he #nows the !uture won)t win him any new !riends unless he $an prove he dreams a"out pop 'uiJJes or $hem la" results Be ride along in silen$e and in minutes% we)re approa$hing the ,aniers) driveway I glan$e sideways% e&pe$ting =ieran)s head to "e drooped !orward% the stress o! an almost $ertain parental $on!rontation $ausing him to dri!t o!! +ut he)s sitting up straight% eyes wide open and staring ahead into the dar#ness :Bant me to $ome in with youC< I o!!er% pulling up ne&t to =ayla)s Feep and $utting the engine :May"e they)ll go easy on you i! I)m here < =ieran turns to me% mouth s$run$hed up in a grate!ul pout :You don)t need to get homeC< :My mom will understand < :I wish I had your mom%< he mum"les% "e!ore raising his voi$e to a normal level :Are you sureC< :Yeah%< I insist% although I)m not really sure at all% "ut I)m desperate to do something to ma#e up !or my :we)re !riends< $omment at the river A tiny smile pulls at the $orner o! his mouth :.#ay < Be get out o! the $ar and wal# together towards the house% the moonlight "oun$ing o!! the "eveled window in the !ront door% and I wonder whether =ieran viewed this s$ene in his head !or the !irst time at night as we)re seeing it now I don)t get the $han$e to as# as =ieran pulls a #ey !rom a po$#et on the side o! his "a$#pa$# and *ogs up the three steps to the por$h De unlo$#s the door and lets us in to a hallway I remem"er !rom the million or so times I $ame over here "e!ore Mr M$Ca!!ery)s death% the same heavy wooden panel still set into the wall with !ive $oat hoo#s% three o! whi$h are already o$$upied
:Dere%< =ieran o!!ers% holding his hands out to me a!ter dropping his "a$#pa$# to the !loor I realiJe he)s o!!ering to ta#e my $oat% and I wriggle my arms !ree !rom the sleeves as he gra"s the $oat "y the $ollar and hangs it up ne&t to one I re$ogniJe as =ayla)s :=ieran < A "aritone "ehind me ma#es me *ump I turn around to !ind mysel! a !ew !eet !rom a man standing *ust outside the entryway to the living room And he doesn)t loo# too happy
Chapter 8
=ieran)s !ather appears to "e in his early !i!ties% strea#s o! gray in the reddish@"rown hair over his temples and ears and lines mar#ing the s#in at the $orner o! his eyes and a$ross his !orehead .ther than the hair and a !ew wrin#les% the "i!o$als pushed up on the top o! his head and a slight dou"le $hin are the only real signs o! age -ven $overed up with a heavy #nit $ardigan over a "la$# t@shirt% he stri#es me as "eing in pretty good shape?=ayla must have inherited her athleti$ "uild !rom him I steal a glan$e at =ieran% whose lan#y !rame ma#es him seem li#e a de!lated "alloon ne&t to his !ather :Dad%< =ieran says% voi$e !lat (he two engage in a three@se$ond stare down "e!ore =ieran remem"ers his manners :SorryIthis is ;ip M$=ee < Mr ,anier o!!ers me his hand :Ni$e to meet you% ;ip I)ve heard a lot a"out you < I "rush o!! my $uriosity at what :I)ve heard a lot a"out you< might mean% given that one o! his #ids has "e$ome my "est !riend while the other one a$ts li#e she wants to run me down with her $ar :Ni$e to meet you% too% Mr ,anier%< I respond% and instantly pani$ that I)ve $alled him the wrong thing :Dr ,anierC< I try% whi$h prompts a !riendly smile :Call me Fim And than# you !or "ringing =ieran home < =ieran opens his mouth% "ut I $ut him o!! :I)m sorry we)re so late (otally my !ault Be were tal#ing and I lost tra$# o! time?< :And I told her I didn)t want to $ome home%< =ieran interrupts% the $ontinued !latness to his voi$e starting to $reep me out a little My "a$# rises at the tension "uilding in the hallway% and now I #ind o! wish I hadn)t o!!ered to $ome in with him :You told your mother when you $alled you)d "e home as soon as possi"le a!ter the
game%< Fim reminds him% and I)m a"out to apologiJe again when =ieran pipes up with :And in $ase you didn)t understand me% I told ;ip I didn)t want to $ome home =ayla and I are the only #ids in this town who aren)t allowed out on s$hool nights < I "ite my lower lip =ieran)s e&aggerating a little?I)m guessing more than a !ew people don)t get to go out at night during the wee# At the same time% it)s not li#e there)s a whole lot o! trou"le to get into in (itusville% unless you happen to "e hanging out at someone)s house whose parents run a meth la" in the "asement Humor has it% only a"out three !amilies with #ids at (itusville FuniorGSenior Digh !all into the meth@ma#ing $ategory% most o! the $oo#ers around here "eing too young to have $hildren in *unior high or high s$hool :I *ust want to "e li#e every"ody else !or on$e%< =ieran $ontinues :You)re not li#e every"ody else < :So you)ve mentioned Hepeatedly%< =ieran snaps Fim ,anier lets out a sigh :At any rate% you should pro"a"ly go upstairs and start your homewor# so you $an get to "ed at your regular time < (he two males engage in another stare down "e!ore Fim *er#s his head toward the stair$ase =ieran gives him an :.#ay?whatever< eye roll "e!ore pi$#ing up his "a$#pa$# :See you tomorrow%< he whispers to me :And% than#s < I nod% voi$e stu$# in my throat% as =ieran slings his "a$#pa$# over his shoulder and heads !or the stairs :You)re grounded% "y the way%< Fim ,anier $alls a!ter him% whi$h prompts =ieran to "elt out a $urt laugh :My whole li,e is grounded%< he spits as he *ogs upstairs% nearly $rashing into a woman heading in the opposite dire$tion
:=ieran?< she starts :Aoodnight% Mom%< he mum"les% "arely pausing De turns on the landing and disappears up the se$ond !light o! stairs% his !ootsteps heavy on the hardwood !loor a"ove (he woman $loses her eyes "rie!ly and opens them again% the smile that !ollows dire$ted at me :You must "e ;ip Carlie ,anier%< she "reathes% !loating down the last !ew steps and gliding toward me with her arm outstret$hed As I sha#e her hand% I give her the on$e@over and determine =ayla didn)t get her runner)s "uild !rom Fim ,anier "e$ause Carlie ,anier is =ayla? =ayla with a"out thirty years on her (he same *et@"la$# hair $urls around Carlie ,anier)s shoulders and the same "lue eyes pier$e me as they do almost daily at s$hool% only these eyes are trying to shoot me through with #indness instead o! sta""ing me with $ruelty -ven in "aggy gray sweatpants and a mat$hing sweatshirt% :NYL< em"laJoned a$ross the !ront in purple "lo$# letters% I $an tell Carlie)s in shape as well I thin# on$e again o! =ieran)s s#inny "uild and the t@ shirts and hoodies that always appear to "e a"out to drown him% and I wonder how he must !eel $oming home every day to a !amily who loo#s li#e they *ust wal#ed out o! an aero"i$s video :Ni$e to meet you% Mrs ,anier%lease $all me Carlie And than# you !or "ringing =ieran home Be)re $ertainly not angry with you De $an "e rather headstrong sometimes < Fim and Carlie stare at me !or a moment "e!ore glan$ing at ea$h other De tilts his head toward the living room% and her shoulders hun$h up in response I% meanwhile% stand and wat$h li#e an idiot% shi!ting my weight !rom one !oot to the other as the realiJation ta#es hold that I)m witnessing one o! those silent $onversations "etween people who have "een married !or years and are still very mu$h in love My grandparents do their version o! this in !ront o! me
sometimes% and I)m always #ind o! !as$inated "y how a !ew shi!ts o! their eyes and rapid $hin li!ts indi$ate things li#e :I)m "ored and we should go home< or% more o!ten% :You tell April I don)t want to tell April < :A!ter tal#ing to your mother% we gather you)ve had a rough night%< Carlie says The game Dearing =ieran)s se$ret and now enduring this meeting with his parents almost made me !orget a"out Hegionals In$redi"le I rea$h up% pretending to s$rat$h an it$h on my !orehead% and I !eel the sliminess o! dried sweat along with some a$ne "umps along my s#in at the hairline And I "et I pro"a"ly smell% standing here in the warm ups I slid on a!ter the game without ta#ing a shower Hight now% I)m so wishing I)d dropped =ieran o!! in the driveway and le!t :Be)ve "een eager to meet you%< Carlie $ontinues :.! $ourse% we)d hoped it would "e under "etter $ir$umstan$es < :Bell% my grandmother)s "een tal#ing a"out inviting you over !or dinner She wanted to give you some time to get settled in < At this news% the silent $onversation "etween the ,aniers "egins again% Fim pursing his lips and Carlie responding "y nodding her head at him slowly ."viously% I)m not as !amiliar with their "ody language as I am with my grandparents)% so I)m essentially a !oreigner in a strange land with no translator :Be)dII thin# we)d li#e that%< Fim replies% his voi$e warm and slightly surprised :I)ll tell her%< I say% nodding my head :Aram loves entertaining She)s a pretty good $oo#% too < Fim and Carlie e&$hange glan$es as i! de$iding whi$h one o! them is going to spea# ne&t% and I)m #ind o! "lown away "y the tension o! this whole s$ene I mean% I get why I(m
un$om!orta"le I)m a teenager with these mi&ed up !eelings !or =ieran and here I am% meeting his parents !or the !irst time +ut Fim and Carlie are supposed to "e the $alm% $ool adults ta#ing some sort o! twisted delight in ma#ing one o! their #ids) !riends s'uirm (hen it hits me?=ayla and =ieran are loners% whi$h ma#es Fim and Carlie new to the whole :meet your #ids) !riends and ma#e them un$om!orta"le< routine% and this #nowledge alone is enough to help me rela& Some o! the sti!!ness melts !rom my shoulders and I stop trying to angle my nose toward my armpit to !igure out i! I ree# as "adly as I thin# I do :Bhile you)re here% we)dI< Carlie starts% "e!ore loo#ing "a$# at Fim :May"e we should go to the living room and sit !or a minuteC< De nods and glan$es at me% and% as i! we)re passing the nod around a $ir$le% I tilt my head in agreement toward Carlie and !ollow them a$ross the hall Bhile the entryway loo#s the same as when the M$Ca!!erys lived here% the living room s$reams to me that I)m in someone else)s house% "e$ause Mrs M$Ca!!ery)s taste $ouldn)t "e !urther !rom Carlie ,anier)s I remem"er -rwin and ,ottie M$Ca!!ery)s white $ou$h with the tiny pin# !lower pattern and "a"y "lue stripes% the mat$hing $hairs% and my !avorite pie$e o! !urniture?a heavy oa# $o!!ee ta"le whose legs met the !loor with $arved wooden "ear $laws .n the M$Ca!!erys) !irepla$e mantle sat a large te&tured painting o! a "arn in shadow against an orange sunset s#y that my mom told me had "een there at least sin$e she was a little girl "a$# in the Seventies (he !irst thing I noti$e when I wal# into the ,aniers) living room% however% is that they)ve repla$ed the shadow "arn with a !ramed poster print "y someone named =andins#y that)sIwellII have no $lue what it)s supposed to "e (he print tells me the name o! the painting is Com!osition 6II% whi$h doesn)t e&a$tly help me !igure out what the *um"le o! shapes
and swirls and $olors represents Bhat I $an see% however% is that the moss $olor in the painting mat$hes the overstu!!ed $ou$h that !a$es it% whi$h $omplements the two easy $hairs separated !rom either side o! the $ou$h "y glass end ta"les% ta"les that mat$h the oval glass $o!!ee ta"le in !ront o! the $ou$h (he M$Ca!!erys) living room was a $raptasti$ garage sale ne&t to what the ,aniers have done in here% and I tiptoe a$ross the hardwood !loor to one o! the $hairs and ease mysel! down as i! I)m a!raid as soon as my "utt hits the !a"ri$% everything in the room will "e $ompletely !ouled than#s to my presen$e :Be *ust wanted to tell you how grate!ul we are !or your !riendship with =ieran and =ayla%< Fim starts% shi!ting on the $ou$h so he $an put a hand on his wi!e)s #nee :I don)t #now i! they)ve mentioned that they didn)t have many !riends in Asheville eople tend to avoid them "e$ause o! =ieran)s $ondition%< she e&plains :And they)re "oth sort o! 'uiet and shy to "egin with soIanyway% we)re than#!ul they)ve !ound a good !riend in you < =ieran)s never stru$# me as parti$ularly shy% given the easy "a$#@and@!orth nature o! our $onversations right !rom the "eginning (hen again% I don)t see him tal# to anyone else at s$hool% whi$h I)m guessing is mostly "e$ause people are too a!raid to tal# to him and not the other way around My mind hits upon him telling me earlier how he wal#ed up to +rad Balla$e and as#ed him i! they $ould ride together on the spirit "us to (us$ulum% whi$h doesn)t seem li#e the #ind o! thing a person who wants to "e isolated !rom other people would do I #eep a smile on my !a$e and don)t voi$e any o! these thoughts to the ,aniers% responding to Carlie with :Bell% it)s "een great getting to #now himII mean% them It)s pretty e&$iting having new people around here
You)ve pro"a"ly noti$ed (itusville isn)t e&a$tly a non@stop thrill ride < Neither ,anier a$#nowledges my little *o#e% and the air pressure in the room seems to grow heavier% as i! it)s going to s'ueeJe my head until my "rain e&plodes all over the =andins#y print a"ove the !irepla$e?not that anyone would "e a"le to tell the di!!eren$e :Be)re *ust not used to =ayla and =ieran having people to $on!ide in other than us%< Carlie $ontinues :Be)re a very private !amily% and we)re 'uite prote$tive o! =ieran Be don)t wantI< Carlie)s voi$e !ades and she "rushes whatever she was going to say aside with a wave >utting a hand to my $hest% I start "a""ling :III hope you #now I would never hurt =ieran or turn on him or anything De)s my !riend andI< I swallow hard% una"le to imagine what they)d thin# i! they ever !ound out =ieran had told me a"out his dreams :Heally?it)s !ine Be "elieve you%< Fim says% his voi$e gentle :=ieran "eing so $lose to someone is new territory !or us% I suppose So% we hoped we)d "e a"le to meet you andI< Fim doesn)t !inish his senten$e% "ut instead s'uirms a little on the $ou$h% his hand s'ueeJing Carlie)s #nee :Be $an)t say it enough%< Carlie notes% pi$#ing up the $onversation :Be)re so happy =ieran and =ayla $an $ount you as a !riend You)re o"viously a lovely young woman% and you)re wel$ome at our house anytime < :(han# you%< I ee# out :Be were sorry to learn your game didn)t go as you)d hoped tonight%< she $ontinues :+as#et"all season is over now% $orre$tC< I nod% a thought popping into my head that allows me to $ontri"ute something to the dis$ussion other than variations on :(han# you< and :I)m sorry < :Yeah Spring sports pra$ti$es should start ne&t wee# i! =ayla wants to run tra$# >eople don)t need to try out or anything
(hey)ll *ust !igure out what distan$es she)s good at and she)ll train at those < Carlie leans !orward% interested :=ayla had mentioned something a"out tra$# season% so we)ll remind her < :(hey)ll ma#e announ$ements at s$hool% too% soI< Now it)s my turn not to !inish a senten$e Desperately wishing to end this little $hat% I rea$h !or every teenager)s last resort :I)m really sorry% "ut I)ve still got a lot o! homewor# and < Fim sha#es his head as i! I)ve *ust wo#en him !rom a nap :.! $ourse .! $ourse%< he says% standing% and Carlie !ollows his lead% motioning !or me to wal# ahead o! them into the hallway +ut Fim sprints in !ront o! me so he $an ta#e my $oat !rom the hoo# inside the !ront door :Bell% it was great meeting you%< I lie% turning "a$# around to !a$e them a!ter Fim)s helped me into my $oat :Again% I)m sorry I "rought =ieran home so late < :Not a pro"lem%< Fim says :Alad we were a"le to meet you as well Be loo# !orward to hearing !rom your grandmother < :Yes%< Carlie agrees :=ieran $an give you our num"er i! you don)t already #now it < :.#ay (han#s < Fim rea$hes past me to get the door% and we e&$hange good"yes as I step out into the $old I "ury my hands in my po$#ets and hun#er down into my $oat $ollar% pra$ti$ally *umping o!! the !ront por$h and !lying over to the driveway% eager to get "a$# to the sa!e !amiliarity o! the Camaro (he !rigid air doesn)t send a $hill down my spine% "e$ause the i$iness is already there than#s to Fim and Carlie and their strange !ormality and theirI,ear% I guess% o! my turning on =ieran !or some reason .n$e inside the $ar% I $ran# the heat in an attempt to wipe away "oth the $old and the several layers o! weird I)m dren$hed in than#s to =ieran)s parents -&haling as
warmth !loods the interior% I "a$# the $ar around into the spa$e ne&t to =ayla)s Feep and ease !orward down the driveway toward the "la$#top% "eyond relieved I)ll "e in my own living room in less than !ive minutes
Chapter 9
:(he ,aniers are #ind o! weird Fust saying < My announ$ement prompts Aram% who)s wearing a novelty apron with the torso o! a woman in a waitress uni!orm painted on the !ront% to turn away !rom the stove% "randishing a wooden spoon Mom and I sit on either side o! the two@person ta"le up against the wall% wat$hing as my grandparents whip up one o! their $lassi$ meals?vegeta"le soup and a romaine lettu$e salad to start% marinated por# tenderloin and potatoes with red wine gravy !or the main $ourse% and a red velvet $a#e !or dessert A!ter repeatedly o!!ering to help and getting shut down every time% we)ve opted to wat$h the $ulinary magi$ happen while snea#ing $herry tomatoes !rom the salad "owl when Aram and Aramps aren)t loo#ing :(hey)re weirdC Bell% now you tell me%< Aram sighs% waving the spoon :Mom% you)re getting soup all over the !loor%< my mom points out Aramps ta#es the dishrag !rom the sin# and $rosses to wipe up the splatter !rom the linoleum :So the ,aniers are weird% are theyC< he as#s :Bell% not weird e&a$tly%< I hedge% thin#ing "a$# two wee#s to when I met =ieran)s parents !or the !irst time :(hey)re *ust very private and #ind o!Iaw#ward% I guess It)s hard to put my !inger on < :And the girl hates you% rightC< Mom weighs in% popping a $herry tomato in her mouth :Yeah I)m pretty sure < Aramps drops the dishrag in the sin# and spins around to !a$e us :Now that can(t "e true No one hates my ;ipperino < :Bell% it is true%< I say to his "a$# as he resumes washing utensils and "owls :She seems% li#e% *ealous o! me !or hanging out with her "rother% li#e she wants to #eep him all to
hersel! or something < :.#ay?now that(s weird%< Mom mum"les through a mouth!ul o! tomato Aram whirls around to as#% :April% what are you eatingC< :Nothing%< she lies a!ter swallowing Aram shoots her a loo# "e!ore telling Aramps :,arry% put a !ew more tomatoes in the salad% would youC< And then to meE :I! the ,aniers were so weird% they wouldn)t have a$$epted our dinner invitation (hey)re o"viously not strange enough to want to stay lo$#ed up in that house "y themselves < :(hey)re pro"a"ly *ust a little wary o! strangers "e$ause o! =ieran)s $ondition%< Aramps says% s$ooping a hand!ul o! $herry tomatoes !rom a plasti$ $ontainer and dumping them on the salad :Yeah%< Mom agrees :,i!e)s tough when you)ve got a uni'ue #id I should #now < She sti$#s out her tongue at me% and I gra" a towel !rom the ta"le and Jing it at her Aram turns down the "urner under the soup pot and smir#s at my mother :I #now a little something a"out raising a uni'ue #id mysel!%< she notes .n$e I)m done giggling at them% I draw my #nees up to my $hin% the heels o! my Chu$# (aylor)s resting on the edge o! the $hair :All #idding aside% though?$ould everyone !lease try not to em"arrass me tonightC< I "eg Aramps% "a$# over at the sin#% rinses a !or# and shuts o!! the !au$et :So don)t a$t li#e ourselves% in other words < :-&a$tly < :Seriously% Dad?tonight)s important%< Mom pipes up% and I)m not entirely sure where she)s headed until she $ompletes her thought :;ip)s angling !or a >rom date with the young Mr
,anier < :.h% my Aod% Mom I am not < :April%< Aram warns% and my mom rolls her eyes "e!ore Aram turns to me and as#s :Bhen is your >rom% sweetheartC< :Sometime in early May% I thin# rom at all% "ut Mom settles the 'uestion !or everyoneE :It)s May eighth < 7nbelie+able :MomM Are you #idding meC Dow do you even #now thatC< :I !ound the date on the s$hool we"site Bhat $an I sayC I)m a little e&$ited !or you < :Apparently rom or pretty mu$h anything having to do with =ieran and me "eing more than !riends?< My un!inished threat hangs in the air "e$ause I $an)t thin# o! a punishment "ad enough to hold over their heads So I raise an eye"row to in!orm them they)ve "een warned% and my mom sha#es her head in response as the door"ell rings Aramps slips into :Man o! the Douse< mode% drying his hands on a dishtowel and heading out o! the #it$hen into the !ront hallway to answer the door Aram ta#es o!! her apron and pla$es it on the $ounter% $he$#ing her re!le$tion in the window over the sin# and running her hands through her hair :You loo# great% Mom%< my mom tells Aram :(han#s% honey < Mom gets up and lin#s arms with me as we head into the hall% voi$es at the door dri!ting "a$# to us :Do I have lipsti$# on my teethC< she whispers to me "e!ore $urling her lips so I $an get a !ull view o! her $hompers :No?ewww Aet your mouth out o! my !a$e <
She drops my arm and glides !orward to greet our guests Aram $omes up "ehind me and pats me on the head "e!ore *oining my mom and Aramps in the !ront entry% whi$h is way too small to hold eight people I already #now everyone% so I hang "a$# a "it !rom the $haos o! introdu$tions and $oat removals?lighter $oats now% sin$e the temperature)s a$tually staying well a"ove !reeJing at night?and on$e =ieran)s given his hoodie to Aramps% I pull him aside into the dining room :Dey%< I whisper :Dey < De glan$es "a$# out to the hallway at his parents :I really hope they don)t em"arrass me tonight Be never do stu!! li#e this < :My !amily will em"arrass me !irst Count on it < De smiles :Aood to #now < :So you)re still groundedC< I as#% as his parents had put him on lo$#down !or a month over our little e&$ursion to the "oat laun$h% whi$h I thought was #ind o! an e&treme punishment !or staying out too late And with end@o!@'uarter tests $oming up ne&t wee#% we haven)t had mu$h o! a $han$e to tal# at s$hool "e$ause tea$hers are a$tually #eeping us "usy !or on$e :Nah (ime o!! !or good "ehavior Not li#e I ever go anywhere% "ut?< :Bell% may"e Mom and Dad will let us all go out somewhere a!ter dinner%< =ayla says% and I !lin$h as she)s slipped up on my other side% surprising me :I)m si$# o! hanging out at home on Saturday nights li#e we)re twelve Bhat do people do around here !or !unC< I)m stunned I don)t thin# =ayla)s ever said that many words to me at one time :BellI umI< I !um"le% "ut Aramps $omes up "ehind me and rea$hes his arms out wide% pla$ing a hand on =ieran)s and =ayla)s "a$#s as i! he)s a"out to !old all o! us into a giant "ear hug :Bhy don)t you #ids sit right hereC< he "ooms% nodding towards the three dining room $hairs in !ront o! us%
and we do as suggested and ta#e our seats% =ieran "etween =ayla and me Fim and Carlie round the ta"le to the other side and sit down *ust to the right o! Aramps% who ta#es his usual pla$e near the !ront window Mom and Aram !lit in and out o! the room% $arrying platters and "owls and !illing water and wine glasses "e!ore they *oin us% Mom sitting ne&t to Carlie with Aram at the head o! the ta"le $losest to the #it$hen :(his is all so lovely% Mrs Shipman?I mean% +ar"ara%< Carlie $orre$ts hersel!% ta#ing in the !east :Be do so appre$iate "eing invited over tonight < I sense a "it o! the weirdness !rom two wee#s ago $reeping in again and settling over me as I listen to Carlie say things li#e lo+el% and We do so a!!reciate She)s so stilted% so !ormal? "oth she and Fim?and I hope the entire night doesn)t play out li#e that evening in their living room Aramps proposes some toast a"out home and hearth% and I li!t my water glass while glan$ing a$ross at my mother% raising my eye"rows in a sort o! 0ee'what did I tell %ou* loo# "e!ore shi!ting my eyes to Carlie and "a$# Mom glan$es sideways at Carlie and shrugs her shoulders% as i! she)s saying she hasn)t !ormed an opinion o! our new neigh"ors yet Be pass the !ood around and load our plates% the room 'ui$#ly separating into two $onversational $amps At one end% Aramps and Fim tal# a"out art and artists% and I hear Aramps invite Fim out to the shed "ehind the house that dou"les as an art studio +ut I)m paying more attention to the dis$ussion at my end o! the ta"le% whi$h revolves around Carlie :So% Carlie% I understand you)re a do$torC< Aram as#s Carlie swallows some potatoes% nodding :I haven)t pra$ti$ed !or several years "e$ause I)ve "een homes$hooling the #ids .ne o! these days% the time will "e right !or me to go "a$# to wor# again < :(hought a"out opening a pra$ti$e hereC< Mom as#s :Be have a lot o! empty store!ronts
in town% and people $ould always use an alternative to the hospital $lini$ < :Down the road% perhaps Hight now% I)m !o$used on getting us settled and getting the #ids through s$hool < +ored with this parti$ular $onversation% I turn to =ieran% "ut he)s !allen asleep I *a" him in the ri"s with my el"ow and his eyes pop "a$# open and !o$us on his mother% as i! he)s *ust returned to a "oo# to "egin reading right where he le!t o!! =ayla% on the other hand% is $loser to the art $onversation "ut #eeps her attention on her !ood% whi$h she raises to her mouth on her !or# in tiny% almost pre$isely measured "ites :=ieran tells me you own a store downtown%< Carlie says to my mother% who "o"s her head as she lowers the wine glass !rom her lips :Yeah Arts and $ra!ts and doodads% "asi$ally < :(hings you ma#e yoursel! orI< :Mostly my stu!!%< Mom e&plains :.ther lo$al artists sell through me as well and I ta#e a small $ommission You should $ome "y sometime I may $arry some things that would !it in with your dO$or i! you)re still de$orating the house < :(hat would "e lovely% April (han# you < Mom shoots me a loo# at Carlie)s use o! lo+el%% and I raise my eye"rows at her a!ter I *a" =ieran awa#e on$e again :So% =ieran% I guess you)re a "it o! an artist as wellC< Mom as#s :Sort o!%< he tells her% eyelids drooping :I li#e to draw < :Bell% you should #eep at it I saw the rose you drew !or ;ip% and you)ve got a lot o! talent !or pen$il drawings < Carlie)s !a$e seems nearly paralyJed a!ter Mom "rings up =ieran)s gi!t to me% her mouth
tightening into a tight% !a#e smile "ut her eyes are moving% pupils widening with surprise until they "e$ome two "ig "lue pools o! $on!usion% ea$h lined "y a ra!t o! per!e$tly mani$ured eye"rows "ice going$ Mom% I thin#% as I slide down in my $hair a little to rea$h my le!t !oot a$ross the e&panse underneath the ta"le so I $an #i$# her in the shin :.w%< Mom howls% the $onversation a"out Impressionism or whatever at the other end o! the room grinding to a halt and plunging us into silen$e% save !or the halting "reaths I hear =ieran push out through his nose as he sti!les a laugh :Fust hit my #nee against the ta"le leg%< Mom e&plains on$e she re$overs :I)m su$h a #lutJ sometimes Carry on% Aentlemen < Aramps sha#es his head at her "e!ore turning "a$# to Fim :Anyway% =ieran%< Mom resumes% :Dad and I have sort o! a ma#eshi!t studio "ehind the house i! you)re interested in ta#ing a loo# later (he pla$e may seem li#e your average storage shed on the outside% "ut inside?mini art museum (rust me < =ieran gives my mom a heavy@lidded smile :I)d li#e that a lot (han#s < :Doney% i! you need to lie down% you *ust say so%< Aram says to =ieran% seeing him struggle to stay awa#e :Be have two guest rooms upstairs and I put all my "est 'uilts out !or the o$$asion < Carlie)s e&pression thaws and so!tens on hearing Aram)s o!!er :You #now% =ieran%< she says% voi$e low :May"e you should?< :Yeah%< he mum"les :I! you)ll e&$use me% I)m a littleI< De pushes his $hair "a$# and I s$oot mine over a "it so he $an get away !rom the ta"le :Do you need any helpC< I as# :Nah (han#s% though < De lowers his voi$e so only I $an hear him say :Sorry <
:It)s o#ay%< I whisper "a$# :/irst two rooms on either side o! the hall at the top o! the stairs%< Aram $alls a!ter him :Be)ll save you some $a#e < :(han# you so mu$h%< Carlie says to Aram% who nods a :You)re wel$ome < Bith =ieran gone% we turn "a$# to getting@to@#now@you $onversation% my mom e&pressing her desire to visit Asheville someday and Carlie telling her how mu$h she)d li#e it Sensing the main portion o! the meal is winding down% Aram stands and starts $learing the ta"le% and I *ump up to help her% ta#ing =ayla)s somehow empty plate and sliding it underneath mine "e!ore putting =ieran)s hal!@!ull plate on top o! "oth so I $an $arry them into the #it$hen :(hey)re not weird at all%< Aram says to me in a low voi$e at the sin# :A little !ormal may"e% "ut they)re not?< :Be should get them drun# to loosen them up%< Mom hisses% $oming up "ehind us and putting a hand on the wine "ottle on the $ounter :AprilM< Aram s$olds% "ut she)s smiling Mom moves to the other side o! the $ounter and puts some $o!!ee on to "rew while Aram $uts the $a#e and I ma#e deliveries% two at a time% to the dining room .n$e we)re all seated again% Carlie turns to a mandatory topi$ o! dis$ussion whenever teenagers are in the room?s$hool :So I understand you)re ran#ed !irst in your $lass% ;ip < :/or now anyway < I shoot =ayla a glan$e !rom the $orner o! my eye% and she hun$hes up her shoulders and ta#es a minis$ule "ite o! $a#e as her mother says :So you)ve given a lot o! thought to $ollege% I assumeC< :Northwestern all the way%< Mom $himes in :I $an)t remem"er her wanting to go anywhere else <
:=ayla)s $onsidered Northwestern% too% now that we)re living in Illinois < At the mention o! her name% =ayla pla$es her !or# at the side o! her plate and raises her head Somehow% she)s managed to eat hal! her $a#e even though she seems to "e eating a mole$ule at a time :Bhat are you interested in studying% =aylaC< Mom as#s :>oliti$al s$ien$e% may"e%< she "reathes :.r *ournalism I)m not sure May"e "oth < :Fournalism or $ommuni$ation%< I tell her% re!erring to my top two ma*or $hoi$es :I)m not sure% either May"e "oth < Mom s$run$hes up her mouth :Interesting You two should "e roommates < I don)t get to gauge =ayla)s !eelings a"out Mom)s suggestion "e$ause I)m too "usy trying to restrain mysel! !rom #i$#ing Mom under the ta"le again (he $onversation turns to the high $ost o! $ollege and how "oth mothers hope we $an get s$holarships to help out% whi$h leads to a dis$ussion a"out the high $ost o! everything =ayla and I $ontinue eating $a#e while the adults try to solve the world)s pro"lems :Should we move into the living room where we)d "e more $om!orta"leC< Aram suggests on$e everyone)s almost !inished with dessert :I)ll start the dishes%< I volunteer% immediately surprised when =ayla *umps in with :I)ll help < :(han#s% girls < Aram smiles (he grown@ups ta#e their $o!!ees and head a$ross the hall% while =ayla and I $lear the ta"le in silen$e A!ter a"out !our trips "a$# and !orth "etween the dining room and the #it$hen% we)ve sta$#ed up all the plates% platters and utensils ne&t to the sin# and are le!t with nothing to do "ut get to wor# (ogether Alone with no one else to tal# to
:So% um% you rinse and I)ll put stu!! in the dishwasherC< I suggest% leaning up against the $ounter edge :.r I)ll rinse and?< :I $an rinse No "ig deal%< =ayla responds% pulling an elasti$ "and !rom her !ront *eans po$#et and winding her hair into a low ponytail I move over so she $an stand in !ront o! the sin# "asin% and we "egin our mini assem"ly line?she rinses something% hands the thing to me% and I rea$h down to put it in the appropriate pla$e in the dishwasher on my other side Be per!orm this routine in silen$e !or a"out a minute "e!ore =ayla "lurts out :I don)t hate you% o#ayC< without stopping her wor# and without loo#ing at me :.#ay < She hands me a !or#% "ut doesn)t move to rinse anything else :I)m sorry !or how I)ve "een a$ting =ieran and I aren)t used to people ta#ing the time to get $lose to us% so I guess I wasIsuspi$ious < 0us!icious seems li#e a strange word to use% "ut sin$e it)s what she)s given me to wor# withI:You #now% I don)t have any $raJy motives !or hanging out with you and =ieran I *ust want to "e !riends < =ayla "ra$es her hands against the narrow ledge where the sin# and the $ounter $ome together :Deep down% I "elieve you +ut no"ody)s ever really wanted to "e our !riend "e!ore And we)re very private people% so my guard)s always up < We(re +er% !ri+ate !eo!le It)s li#e the ,aniers are programmed to say that -&$ept !or =ieran% o! $ourse I thin# a"out him telling me a"out his dreams and how good he said he !elt to "e a"le to tell someone% and I wonder what the deal is with =ayla and her parents that they)re so determined to #eep a wall around all o! them when =ieran *ust seems to want to tear it down :=ieran)s neverI=ieran tells me everything% you #nowC< =ayla $ontinues :It)s always
"een Mom and Dad and me loo#ing out !or him and no"ody else < :I)m not trying to ta#e your pla$e%< I o!!er% not sure i! that)s what I should say or not :I #now Heally < =ayla resumes rinsing and handing dirty plates to me as she spea#s :I was so sho$#ed when he "asi$ally #i$#ed me out o! the $a!eteria to "e alone with you that night a!ter your game% "e$ause he)s never done anything li#e that "e!ore +ut =ieran)s o"viously $om!orta"le with you% and you and your !amily seem li#e $ool people% so I)m trying not to "e so weird anymore lus% =ieran straight up told me to stop "eing su$h a "it$h%< she says :De)s my "rother and I love him so% you #now% whatever he wants < =ayla)s smiling% so I rela& my shoulders and allow mysel! a smile as well :Anyway% I)m sorry I haven)t tried harder to "e !riends%< she $ontinues :Apology a$$epted < =ayla hands me another plate and starts running dishwater as the dishwasher)s too !ull !or pots and pans and the larger serving dishes I rea$h into the $a"inet under the sin# !or the dish soap and s'uirt a !ew streams into the water gushing !rom the !au$et :(o "e totally honest% #nowing someone else has =ieran)s "a$# sometimes is #ind o! awesome%< =ayla tells me in a low voi$e% as i! her parents $ould hear us tal#ing all the way !rom the living room :I love him% "ut he)s e&hausting% you #nowC< :I get the sense he)s #ind o! !rustrated not "eing a"le to "e more independent sometimes%< I say% handing her the soup pot% whi$h she drowns in the soapy water :Yeah ,i#e when he went to your Hegional gameC 4uge deal !or him Now% don)t get
me wrong?I wanted to #ill him !or lying and leaving me sitting in the li"rary waiting !or him li#e a $omplete idiot% "ut part o! me totally understood De)s almost eighteen and he has no !reedom De)s !rustrated% and sometimes I(m !rustrated over always "eing e&pe$ted to "e with him so he doesn)t get himsel! into trou"le >lus%< she $ontinues% lowering her voi$e again% :De li#es you I mean% he really% reall% li#es you So I get that he was willing to do whatever he had to do to go to your game Dim getting all hung up on a girl is a new one !or "oth o! us% too < :YeahC< I s'uea#% as =ayla atta$#s a serving platter with the dishrag :Yeah I mean% he)s had $rushes on girls "e!ore% so that)s not new% "ut the girls have always "een totally out o! his league (hey were% li#e% older girls he)d see around at $o!!ee shops and stu!!% who he wouldn)t have the guts to tal# to in a million years De)s never li#ed anyone who was "oth pretty and was a$tually an option !or him < My $hee#s go up in !lames as I pretend to "e e&tremely interested in drying every droplet o! water !rom the soup pot :So now that you)re totally em"arrassed%< =ayla giggles% :why don)t we $hange the su"*e$tC< :/ine with me%< I agree with a sigh :Dow)s tra$# goingC< =ayla stands up a little straighter% o"viously happy I)m as#ing a"out tra$# :Aood% than#s .ur !irst meet is ne&t wee# I)m running the si&teen hundred meters and the !our "y eight@hundred relay < :Cassie mentioned that < =ayla nods :Cassie)s $ool She)s got *ust the #ind o! twisted sense o! humor I li#e in a person You guys are !riends% rightC< :Yeah I)ve #nown her% li#e% !orever She $an "e #ind o! a ditJ sometimes% "ut she)s a lot
o! !un < :She)s always my warm@up partner "e!ore pra$ti$e% so we tal# some And +rad Balla$e is on the team% too% and he)s "een pretty !riendly Neither one o! them treats me li#e a total leper% so that)s something < I rea$h over to the $a"inet ne&t to the sin# and stand on my tiptoes to put the soup pot "a$# in its proper home on the top shel! :You have to understand a"out people around here%< I start% not sure how to e&plain what I want to get at :Be don)t get a lot o! new "lood in this town% and =ieran sort o! announ$ed your arrival on Day .ne in this huge way So #ids at s$hool are *ustII don)t #nowI< :Suspi$ious and !rea#ed outC< she !ills in% the $orners o! her mouth turning up :Auess it #ind o! wor#s "oth ways% huhC< I shrug% smiling "a$# as I !eel the i$iness "etween =ayla and me !inally melting away !or good :Yeah I guess it #ind o! does <
Chapter 10
:Dere%< =ieran o!!ers% pushing a paper $ontainer with a lone /ren$h !ry swimming in a pool o! pro$essed $heese sau$e over to my side o! the ta"le :You)re sureC< I as# :Yeah < I pop the /ren$h !ry into my mouth and slurp down some diet soda .ver the last three wee#s% ever sin$e the ,aniers $ame over !or dinner% =ieran and I have settled into the same a!ter@ s$hool routine Dis parents de$ided to ease up on their :no going out a!ter s$hool< poli$y% so now that I don)t have pra$ti$e "ut =ayla does% =ieran and I $ome to the Downtown Diner every day to study and eat $heese !ries until my mom)s store a$ross the street $loses at !ive% and then we drive him home :So we have a mutual "irthday $oming up%< he points out% wiping a smear o! $heese sau$e !rom the $orner o! his history te&t"oo# with a nap#in A !ew wee#s ago when we were tal#ing on the phone% I)d as#ed him when he was going to turn eighteen and was "oth sho$#ed and elated to dis$over we share the same un!ortunate "irthday% April !irst :I assume you)ll "e getting me an appropriate present to honor my new status as an adultC< :Bhi$h would "e whatC CigarettesC A Sele$tive Servi$e !ormC< De sits "a$# in the "ooth% grinning :No idea I *ust said that < :Seriously% though?is there anything you really wantC =ayla and I are going to the mall Saturday to loo# !or stu!! You)re not invited% "y the way < =ieran mo$#@pouts !or a se$ond "e!ore answering :I don)t #now A hal!way normal li!e would "e amaJing < :I don)t thin# they sell that at the mall <
:Da ha And I have no idea what to get you% either% so !eel !ree to give me some suggestions < Sighing% I lean !orward and slurp down more soda Donestly% li!e is good right now I have a great !amily and a guy to hang out with who may"e sort o! might "e my "oy!riend "ut is% at the very least% someone who)s !un to "e with (hrow in a shot at a "as#et"all title ne&t year and I $an)t $omplain So may"e what I want is to !reeJe this part o! my li!e in time so nothing $hanges :I want to "e happy%< I tell him :I don)t thin# they sell that at the mall < I su$# up some soda and pull the straw !rom my $up with my teeth in a silent threat to spit the li'uid at him :.#ay% o#ay%< he laughs% $overing his !a$e Bhen he drops his hands% he as#s% :So you)re not happyC< :I)m very happy%< I say% giving him a "ig smile to let him #now I)m not #idding :I guess I want to ma#e sure I sta% happy < =ieran !olds his arms over his $hest and s'uints as i! he)s giving something some serious thought :I)ll have to see what I $an do%< he tells me% as our waiter% a "urly "ald guy with eyes so narrow the s#in around them almost seems swollen% $omes up to the ta"le and as#s :Anything else !or you guysC< as he wipes his hands on a stained white apron prote$ting a long@sleeved "la$# t@shirt and *eans De pro"a"ly #nows our answer "e!ore we say it?soda re!ills and the $he$#?as he)s waited on us every time we)ve "een in here lately Be give our usual response and he gathers up our soda $ups as Mom wal#s in :Heady to go% guysC< she as#s :Be)re waiting !or sodas%< I say +urly +ald Baiter $omes "a$# with our drin#s and the
"ill% whi$h =ieran saunters over to the $ash register to pay "e$ause today)s his turn :Bho)s heC< Mom whispers a!ter +urly +ald Baiter disappears through the dou"le doors to the #it$hen :I don)t remem"er hearing a"out any"ody else new in town De seems a little old to "e starting a $areer waiting ta"les here < :I as#ed Dewayne a!ter the !irst time he waited on us%< I say "a$#% voi$e lowered :Dewayne< is Dewayne Masters% who)s owned the Downtown Diner sin$e "e!ore my mom was eating $heese !ries here as a teenager :I didn)t get a !irst name% "ut he)s some $ousin o! the Du"rows) or something < :(he Du"rows who live out in HaineyC< Mom as#s% Hainey "eing the "ump in the road a"out ten miles up the highway with a $hur$h% a gas station% and !ive houses :in town%< the rest o! Hainey $onsisting o! !arms s$attered throughout the Jip $ode :Yeah (he guy lost his house and moved in with them% I guess% and he)s wor#ing here until he gets "a$# on his !eet < :Bell% he)s lu$#y in a way -ven !ood servi$e *o"s are getting s$ar$e around here in this e$onomy < I mentally add :lu$#y to get a !ood servi$e *o" around here< to my list o! reasons to get out o! (itusville a!ter graduation Sha#ing o!! yet another depressing !a$t a"out this town% I el"ow Mom in the ri"s and tease :+et he)s around your age% too Bant me to see i! he)s singleC< :(han#s < She grima$es at me :I)ll pass < :Fust loo#ing out !or you% Mom < Mom "umps her shoulder against mine :Bhat would I ever do without youC< =ieran *oins us near the door% and we head outside to the $ar and ta#e o!! !or home Bhen we pull into the driveway to drop him o!!% =ieran as#s% :April% $an ;ip stay !or dinnerC My
parents said she $ould $ome over any time < Mom glan$es at me and even though I have no idea what this sudden invitation is all a"out% I "o" my head a little to let her #now I)m $ool with it :Dow mu$h homewor# do you have le!tC< she as#s :I)m almost done I)ve got three or !our trig pro"lems to !inish% "ut I $an do those when I get home or in study hall tomorrow < :Bell% don)t stay out too late% o#ayC< :Sure (han#s% Mom < :Yeah (han#s% April I)ll ma#e sure =ayla drives her home later%< =ieran says% sliding out o! the "a$# seat I get out and round the $ar to stand ne&t to =ieran in the driveway% waving at my mom as she turns around and heads to the road :Your mom #ills me%< he starts :I love how she doesn)t even thin# to as# i! my parents are home or not < :Your parents aren)t homeC< :Nope Mom)s at the Sumner Helays with =ayla and Dad)s never "a$# !rom wor# until seven or seven@thirty < =ieran waves me toward the house% and so we wal# up the $on$rete path to the !ront por$h and go inside De immediately heads !or the stairs% whi$h $on!uses me% sin$e I assume only "edrooms and "athrooms are upstairs :You $omingC< he as#s% turning around on$e he)s hal!way up the !irst !light o! stairs and seeing me lingering "y the door :I)ve got something in my room I want to show you < I put my hand?the one not holding my soda?on my hip in a de!iant pose :You have something you want to show meC In your roomC<
=ieran ta#es a drin# o! his soda :Yeah% o#ay I guess that sounds a little s#et$hy% huhC< I don)t move% and so =ieran tries on$e again :I promise I won)t do anything weird? unless you want me to < Dis voi$e rises a "it on the :want%< and he sounds almost hope!ul :I)m notII meanIare your parents o#ay with you "eing alone with a girl in your roomC< :Don)t #now < De shoots me his trademar#ed grin% and the mi&ture o! $heese !ries and diet soda does somersaults in my stoma$h :Never "een alone with a girl in my room "e!ore < :I don)t want to get you in trou"le (he last time I was here you ended up grounded% remem"erC< :Come on%< he says :It)s o#ay I *ust want to show you my dream *ournals (hat)s all < I let out a heavy sigh% hating mysel! !or "eing su$h a raging dor# De ta#es my !ree hand on$e I)ve *oined him on the stairs% and he leads me to his room to peel away another layer o! the mysteries that ma#e up =ieran ,anier Daving never "een upstairs when the M$Ca!!erys lived here% I have no idea what =ieran)s "edroom might loo# li#e until I $ross the threshold !or the !irst time And I)m a little $on!used "e$ause the room doesn)t seem mu$h li#e a teenage "oy)s room?no sports or ro$# star posters% no pi$tures o! underwear models all over the pla$e (he o!!@white walls are "are% save !or a !ew pen$il s#et$hes I)m assuming are =ieran)s wor# ta$#ed up on a "ulletin "oard over a des# near the window (he !urniture is some #ind o! dar# wood% and a $om!orter in deep navy "lue $overs =ieran)s twin "ed% mat$hing the !a"ri$ on his des# $hair and on the $ushion o! the window seat Lnli#e my room% the pla$e is spotless?no piles o! $lothes on the !loor or on his des# $hair% no layers o! dust $oating the "edside ta"les (he "edroom stri#es me as mas$uline enough in its dar# sparseness% and yet #ind o! depressing and generi$% li#e a hotel room .ther
than the drawings% nothing in here re!le$ts =ieran)s personality :Ni$e room%< I tell him% una"le to stop the involuntary twinge in my shoulders :My mother)s de$orating pre!eren$es%< he e&plains% reading my la$# o! enthusiasm :I $all this style K-arly (wenty@!irst Century +oring Male ) You)ve pro"a"ly noti$ed the parentals are the neat% $lean% orderly types I)m not even allowed to put holes in the wall to hang pi$tures < :(hat seems a little e&treme < :31treme is all my parents #now < =ieran rolls his eyes% a gesture that appears to "e as mu$h resignation as it is !rustration :(a#e a loo# around No $omputer% no (N =ayla and I use the $omputer in Dad)s study i! we need it !or homewor# >ro"a"ly the only reason we have phones is so they $an #eep ta"s on us Auess they !igure i! I)m going to "e a !rea#% they might as well help me go all the way with it?and ma#e sure I ta#e =ayla down with me +ut at least I $ontrol my *ournals < =ieran puts his soda on the "edside ta"le and !lops down on the !loor ne&t to his "ed% sti$#ing his hand underneath to pull out a shallow $ard"oard "o&% and then another I *oin him on the rug and lean up against the $om!orter% noti$ing how one "o& is !illed to the "rim with spiral note"oo#s% *ust li#e the ones everyone $arries around at s$hool% while the other is only a"out hal! !ull :Bow%< I "reathe :(his is *ust the last two years) worth I have more "o&es up in the atti$ Bhenever I !inish one% I put the note"oo# in a "o& and start another < I pi$# up a note"oo# with a "lue $over !rom the top o! the "o& nearest me Bhen I glan$e over at =ieran% he nods and so I turn the pages% not reading so mu$h as *ust trying to get a sense o! how he organiJes things -a$h *ournal entry starts with a date and sometimes the time o! day%
!ollowed "y a !ew senten$es in =ieran)s angular printing .$$asionally% the words give way to a s#et$h?I stum"le on one entry !rom early Fanuary that $ontains what loo#s li#e a wall with Christmas lights strung a$ross% and a ta"le o!! to one side with some dou"le doors on the other :Do you #now what this isC< I as#% showing the entry to him :I mean% have you seen this yetC< =ieran sha#es his head :Not yet < De digs in the "ottom o! the "o& $losest to him and pulls out a red note"oo# :(his one)s !rom a while ago%< he says% moving the "o&es aside and s$ooting over to sit ne&t to me De hands me the note"oo# and I start reading the !irst entry% dated Fuly 12E A girl/ 4er ,ace isn(t clear/ 0he(s sitting at a desk/ Ma%be in a classroom* 0he(s holding a !a!erback book/ I glan$e at him when I)m done :Should I #eep goingC< :Dere%< he says% ta#ing the note"oo# !rom me and !lipping some pages "e!ore he starts reading aloud :August 11 2E00 pm A girl in a $hair (ennis shoes (ra$# pants ,ong@sleeved shirt +londish hair >onytail Areen eyes ,egs pulled up to her $hest < De hands the note"oo# to me so I $an loo# at the s#et$h he)d drawn as part o! the entry% whi$h turns out to "e li#e gaJing into a mirror and seeing a pen$il@drawn version o! mysel! staring "a$# I don)t #now whether to $ry or s$ream or get up and run out o! the room% whi$h I don)t thin# I $ould do anyway "e$ause I might "e !roJen to the !loor So I ta#e in the "eginning o! the *ournal entry again% this time with my own eyes August 89/ :;<= !m/ :=ieran%< I whisper% "ut he ta#es the note"oo# !rom me and turns a !ew more pages "e!ore handing it "a$# to me so I $an #eep reading
0e!tember ::/ 0ame girl again/ A doorwa%$ like she(s ,loating o,, the ground/ Black behind her/ Black ste!s/ Tears/ And there I am% drawn "elow the words (he s#et$h is o! me in my heavy "la$# $oat% nothing "ut shadows "ehind me% "la$# steps underneath my shoes% a pained e&pression on my !a$e I)m getting o!! the "us the night we lost Hegionals And =ieran drew the s$ene nearly !ive months "e!ore the events too# pla$e I loo# up at him% and he "rea#s into one o! his grins :SeeC I wasn)t #idding when I said you seemed !amiliar <
Chapter 11
:So youI< I stop% una"le to put my thoughts into words :Yeah%< he says% sensing what I $an)t "ring mysel! to say :BhyIwhy didn)t you tell meC ,i#e% when we were down "y the river% why didn)t you say anythingC .r sin$eC< De ta#es a deep "reath :.ne thing at a time% you #nowC +a"y steps I told you I have these little !uture !lashes in my dreams sometimes% and you "elieved me So% o#ay Now I)m telling you this I wanted to show you the *ournals at some point% and there)s never "een a time I $ould have you over when no one else was home And% I mean% $ome on Bhat was I supposed to sayC KAuess what% ;ipC I dreamed a"out you and now we)re here together)C (hat sounds li#e a total line < It does sound li#e a total line I lower my eyes to the note"oo# in my lap% letting my !ingers $url around the metal spiral (he note"oo# de!initely seems "eaten up enough to "e a !ew months old% "utI:Dow $an I "e sureII mean% why should I "elieveI< =ieran $ompletes my thought !or me sin$e I $an)t seem to !inish my senten$e :Bhy should you "elieve I didn)t *ust write and draw all o! these two days ago or something and plant them up here% rightC< I swallow hard% em"arrassed at dou"ting him :Yeah < :=eep reading%< he $hallenges Starting with a Septem"er entry% I read =ieran)s des$ription o! someone who sounds a lot li#e +rad Balla$e tal#ing to =ayla and him ne&t to a glass door De writes a"out a gravel path resem"ling the road to the "oat laun$h De details a wind $hime with patterns o! swirls and stars and suns that reminds me o! a pro*e$t my mom)s wor#ing on and would have "een hanging in
her art wor#shop the night the ,aniers $ame over !or dinner Some o! the events are out o! order ?he des$ri"es the wind $hime a !ew wee#s "e!ore the entry on meeting +rad% !or e&ample?"ut they)re all dated at least a month or more "e!ore they a$tually happened :.#ay%< I tell him% loo#ing up !rom the words on the page :I guess it would have ta#en a lot o! wor# !or you to do all o! this and plant it here < :Do you want to read any moreC< he as#s% his voi$e so eager I have to give in?on one $ondition :Yeah% "ut not anything tooIyou #nowIrecent < De nods :I #now this is all !rea#ing you out% "ut I wanted you to #now that I)d seen you "e!ore we met And I need you to understand it)s not li#e I wal#ed into s$hool on the !irst day loo#ing !or you I mean% o"viously there was a pattern to my dreams !or a while% "ut nothing in those des$riptions told me who you were or where you lived% so I had no idea you)d "e here (hin# a"out all the things on the !irst day o! s$hool I couldn(t $ontrol I didn)t ma#e my $lass s$hedule I didn)t plan on passing out on your des#?< :.r may"e you passed out because you re$ogniJed me and it !rea#ed you out < Dis eyes narrow and he loo#s at the !loor% as i! entertaining my theory :Could "e I guess it)s possi"le my su"$ons$ious re$ogniJed you !irst Bho #nows how my "rain wor#sC I don)t thin# it $ompletely hit me until we were tal#ing in the in!irmary that the girl I)d "een dreaming a"out was you So then I said all that $rap a"out you loo#ing !amiliar and wondering i! you)d ever "een to Asheville < :I thought you were *ust trying to "e smooth%< I tease :Yeah?that)s me Mr Smooth < =ieran rolls his eyes and digs around in the "ottom o! one o! the "o&es !or another note"oo# :Dere%< he says% handing two new note"oo#s to me and I
hand him the one I)m holding :(hese are the !irst ones !rom this set < I start reading% and =ieran moves $loser to rest his head on my shoulder% a gesture I tell mysel! is pro"a"ly due more to e&haustion than a!!e$tion% "ut I don)t really $are Bith him warm ne&t to me% his hair ru""ing against my ne$#% I "egin e&ploring what was involuntarily going on in his mind two years agoE A drawing o! someone who resem"les =ayla in a tan# top and shorts% getting a medal !or something +eauti!ul des$riptions o! mountains and !orests whi$h I)m assuming are pla$es in North Carolina Doodles o! sun"ursts% li#e the ones he)s always drawing in his note"oo#s at s$hool A shadowy s#et$h and des$ription o! a man in his late thirties Shadow Man pops up several times% "ut ea$h s#et$h is a little more $lear than the previous one% and I noti$e with every su"se'uent appearan$e% he)s starting to loo# li#e =ieran?an older version o! =ieran with a goatee :Dey% =ieranC< I start% "ut he doesn)t respond Dis head is heavy on my shoulder% so I assume he)s !allen asleep I po#e an el"ow into his side and he sits up% "lin#ing :Yeah I)m here BhatC< :(his guy who #eeps showing upC< :You mean the +oogey Man%< he says% resting his head against the edge o! the "ed :De)s a re$urring dream .r re$urring nightmare% I guess < :Bho is heC< =ieran shrugs :Never seen him in my wa#ing li!e% so I $all him the K+oogey Man ) >lus% I)m always #ind o! $reeped out when I wa#e up !rom a dream a"out him < :Bell% don)t ta#e this the wrong way% "e$ause I)m not trying to "e weird or insulting or anything% "ut he sort o! reminds me o! you < De gives a little laugh :Yeah Dad)s theory is that I)ve got some an&iety a"out growing
up or something% and so I)m dreaming this older version o! mysel! and it !rea#s me out And% I mean% Dad uns$ram"les people)s "rains !or a living% "asi$ally% so may"e he)s right I don)t #now < =ieran hit$hes up his shoulders as i! he)s not sure he "elieves his Dad)s interpretation o! events "e!ore he $hanges the su"*e$t slightly :I guess I get a preview o! what I)d loo# li#e with a goatee% though Bhat do you thin#C< De rea$hes !or the note"oo# lying in my lap and holds the drawing up ne&t to his !a$e (he eyes may "e a little !urther apart and the man)s a lot more mus$ular% "ut the s#et$h is essentially =ieran with a goatee% whi$h sort o! !rea#s me out :Doesn)t wor# !or me%romise you)ll never do that < De tosses the note"oo# to the !loor and leans in until our !oreheads tou$h% his mouth almost on mine :>romise%< he whispers At a total loss as to what else to do in this situation% I $lose my eyes% ready to let nature ta#e its $ourse?whatever nature)s $ourse might "e =ieran)s !ingertips graJe my $hee# near my $hin% and I shiver% the i$y sta"s o! sensitivity shooting up my spine 'ui$#ly giving way to a warmth that spreads throughout my "ody I part my lips to let him in% "ra$ing mysel! !or the moment his tongue will slip into my mouth Bith my "ody so tense and my heart pounding so loudly% I)m surprised I $an !eel or hear anything% "ut I $an?*ust as =ieran)s !orehead grows heavier on mine and his hand disappears !rom my !a$e% the !ront door slams downstairs My eyes !lutter open to !ind his eyes $losed% "ut not "e$ause he)s e&perien$ing some moment o! mad passionate love !or me :=ieran% wa#e up%< I whisper% sha#ing his shoulder as !ootsteps get louder on the stairs :.h% Aod?$ome onI< Dis eyes pop to !ull siJe and he sits up% staring at me !or a se$ond "e!ore loo#ing away
towards his open "edroom door De rea$hes a hand up to his "ed to pull himsel! o!! the !loor% and he)s "ending down to help me to my !eet as =ayla% in her tra$# sweats em"laJoned with the (itusville (itan $rou$hed in starter)s position% appears in the doorway :Dey% ;ip%< she sings% leaning against the door !rame as her mother $omes up "ehind her Carlie)s e&pression dar#ens on seeing =ieran and me together in his room% note"oo#s s$attered around and the +oogey Man staring up at her !rom a !ew !eet away =ayla mouths :You are so dead%< to her "rother :I invited ;ip over !or dinner%< =ieran e&plains% and then lies :I !orgot no one was going to "e here < Carlie sha#es her head 'ui$#ly as i! she)s trying to pull hersel! together enough to "e polite :Bell% o! $ourse ;ip $an stay%< she says% mostly to me :Fim will "e home in a while% and we were thin#ing a"out ordering piJJa% so it won)t "e anything spe$ial < :>iJJa)s pra$ti$ally a gourmet meal in my house soI< I let my voi$e !ade away (his whole situation is "eyond un$om!orta"le% and I $an)t tell i! Carlie)s mad or mildly surprised or some $om"ination o! "oth :Bell% then%< she "reathes in her wheeJy voi$e :=ayla?you should get in the shower And% =ieran% please straighten up in here "e!ore you $ome downstairs < Carlie)s loo#ing down at the +oogey Man with a !a$e stranded somewhere "etween !ear and disgust as she ma#es her re'uest to =ieran ,e!t without an assigned tas#% I "end to the !loor and start putting note"oo#s away as Carlie disappears "a$# downstairs :You don)t have to help me do this%< =ieran says as he $rou$hes down over the remaining note"oo#s :I want to <
=ayla% meanwhile% wal#s over and laun$hes her "ody to the middle o! =ieran)s "ed% propping hersel! up on her el"ows :+usted with a girl in your room%< she $omments :+et you get grounded !or two months !or this < :+et I don)t%< he responds% whi$h prompts =ayla to "elt out a tiny laugh :.#ay Sure < =ieran stands and #i$#s one o! the "o&es "a$# under his "ed :Mom and Dad never laid down ground rules a"out visitors < :(here haven)t been any visitors "e!ore < De ignores her $omment and says :Anyway% I)m turning eighteen in% li#e% !ive minutes < =ieran)s reminder leaves =ayla unmoved She #i$#s her !eet up and down on the $om!orter and mum"les :So whatC< :I)m almost an adult is so what < :Yeah An adult who needs to have some"ody drive him everywhere An adult who has one more year o! high s$hool le!t < I)m still on my #nees% pretending to put note"oo#s "a$# in the remaining "o& when all I)m really doing is shu!!ling them around so I have an e&$use to "e "usy Alan$ing up at =ieran% I see he)s mashing his lips together as i! he)s trying to thin# o! the per!e$t $ome"a$# to =ayla% "ut ultimately% he doesn)t say anything Sin$e I $an)t stay on the !loor !orever% I !inally stand up ne&t to =ieran :Did he show you all his entries a"out my illustrious tra$# $areerC< =ayla as#s me :I read a !ew%< I admit An evil grin spreads a$ross her !a$e :(ell me%< she starts% eyes on =ieran :Did I medal today or notC<
=ieran shoves his hands in his "a$# *eans po$#ets :You did%< he answers 'uietly :Silver in the !our "y eight hundred%< =ayla $on!irms% #i$#ing her !eet again and shi!ting her gaJe to me :Ama>ing% isn)t itC< :Yeah AmaJing%< I say% "ut my voi$e doesn)t sound too enthusiasti$ I don)t #now i! I)m supposed to "e e&$ited a"out this apparent side e!!e$t o! =ieran)s $ondition or not% so !or right now% I thin# I)ll *ust "e $on!used :I wish he would dream o! something I a$tually want to !ind out ahead o! time%< =ayla "reathes :,i#e test 'uestions or whether or not some"ody)s going to as# me to >rom < At her mention o! >rom% I shoot =ayla a glare that I hope says Don(t e+en go there She managed to wrangle out o! me a"out a wee# ago my wish !or =ieran to as# me% and I $an only imagine what she)s "een saying to him whenever I)m not around :Sorry% =ay%< =ieran "egins% deadly serious :All the dreams I have a"out >rom are o! you in a pretty dress% and you)re sitting in the "lea$hers in the gym .h?and you)re all "y yoursel! It)s #ind o! sad a$tually% you "eing alone on >rom night < De $ra$#s a smile to let her #now he)s #idding% and =ayla gra"s a pillow and hurls it at him% stri#ing him in the torso :You su$#%< she says% the pillow !alling to the >ersian rug as Carlie)s voi$e !loats up the stairs :=ayla DanielleM Bhy isn)t the shower runningC< =ayla groans and rolls toward the end o! the "ed% sitting up "e!ore she $an !all o!! :You two "etter get downstairs "e!ore Mom loses it%< she warns% standing :I don)t see either one o! you wearing purity rings < :Shut up% =ayla%< =ieran says as she !loun$es out o! the room% while I #i$# at the $arpet with the toe o! my Chu$# (aylor% a 'uestion lingering at the "a$# o! my mind :Bhat are you
thin#ingC< he as#s% "e$ause he)s #nown me long enough to "e !amiliar with my "ehaviors when I)m upset :Your mom seemed #ind o! !rea#ed out "e!ore < :It)s no "ig deal%< he insists :You "eing here% I mean < :My "eing here isn)t what I)m tal#ing a"out She was loo#ing at those note"oo#s li#e they were going to *ump up o!! the !loor and atta$# her < :Bell% I)m sure the whole thing was weird !or her?I)ve never had a girl in the house "e!ore% never showed my *ournals to any"ody "e!ore < :She pro"a"ly wishes you hadn)t shown the note"oo#s to me < :Bell% too "ad !or her ,i#e I told =ayla% I)m almost eighteen% and I)m going to start ma#ing my own de$isions a"out things < De rea$hes out% gra""ing my hands in his and stepping to me so he $an lower his !orehead to mine on$e again :And I)ve de$ided you)re the only person I want #nowing everything a"out me < Carlie)s voi$e dri!ts up the stairs "e!ore I shut my eyes :=ieranC I need some help in the #it$hen Can you and ;ip $ome down here% pleaseC< :I thought we were ordering piJJa%< I whisper :Bhat does she need help withC< :Aetting a li!e%< he groans% moving away !rom me and tilting his head toward the door in a silent a$#nowledgement o! the end o! our alone time Be start !or the hall% and he notes% :(he women in my !amily have un!ortunate timing% i! nothing else < :Auess so < :And don)t worry a"out my mom "eing weird She was pro"a"ly *ust surprised you were here?that)s all (here)s nothing in those note"oo#s !or her to !rea# out over < :.#ay%< I say% wal#ing into the hallway ahead o! him +ut as mu$h as I want to "elieve
=ieran)s theory that his mom isn)t worried a"out anything in his *ournals% I $an)t help "ut wonder why Carlie seems more a!raid o! the +oogey Man in the daylight than =ieran is in his dreams
Chapter 12
May"e it)s "e$ause I have dreams on the "rain lately% "ut the morning o! my "irthday% I remem"er a dream !or the !irst time in a long time /unny thing is% I)m not even sure the dream is mine to "egin with% "e$ause what I view in my mind)s eye are the !orest@$overed hills o! North Carolina% *ust as =ieran des$ri"ed and drew them in his *ournals .nly instead o! words and drawings on a note"oo# page% I visualiJe trees $overed with summer green leaves and distant mountains "eyond shrouded in the !og o! an early morning And I see =ieran% standing in !ront o! me in a $learing?or in !ront o! somebod%% I guess?smiling as he ta#es in the s$enery I wa#e up% and I)m as $alm as the slight "reeJe that rustled the trees on the mountain in my mind +e$ause I !eel so re!reshed and rela&ed% I want to ma#e sure I remem"er as many details as possi"le so I $an relive the dream whenever I want +e!ore I !orget anything% I *ump out o! "ed and go to my des#% logging into my laptop so I $an type out everything as !ast as I $an A!ter I re$ord the dream% I pra$ti$ally !loat down the hall to the "athroom and get ready !or the day Seventeen starts o!! with Mom serving me pan$a#es !or "rea#!ast?slightly "urned% o! $ourse?and when I show up at s$hool% I !ind my lo$#er tri$#ed out with streamers and "alloons in (itan navy "lue and gold% $ourtesy o! Cassie% ,auren% and Ashley =ieran gives me a !unny $ard during -nglish% and assures me more surprises are waiting tonight% when we)ve planned to go to Sumner with =ayla and +rad Balla$e?who !inally wor#ed up the nerve to as# =ayla to >rom?to $at$h a late /riday night movie And even though today is April /ools) Day% my !riends and !amily honor the >ran#@/ree ;one I)ve de$lared around mysel! and don)t do anything stupid +y the time I !inish dinner at my grandparents) and du$# "a$# over to my house to gra" =ieran)s present?a s#et$h pad with a set o! $olored pen$ils?I)m $onvin$ed nothing $ould ruin my night +ut my good mood evaporates as I approa$h the ,aniers) house% where
=ayla)s sitting alone on the !ront por$h steps% hugging hersel! and ro$#ing "a$# and !orth :=aylaC< I yell% ra$ing a$ross the driveway "ehind her Feep She turns her head slightly and even !rom this distan$e% I $an tell she)s "een $rying I sit down ne&t to her when I rea$h the por$h% dropping =ieran)s gi!t "ag at my !eet :.h% my Aod Bhat)s wrongC< :=ieran)s never going to tal# to me again% !or starters%< she whispers% staring in !ront o! her as i! I)m not there :Bhat happenedC< =ayla gaJes at me% red@rimmed eyes "lin#ing "a$# tears :Be need to go inside%< she rasps% standing up I gra" =ieran)s gi!t and !ollow her into the house Bithout a word% we wal# to the #it$hen where Fim and Carlie "oth stand against the sin#% Fim with his hands "ehind him on the $ountertop and Carlie hugging hersel! as =ayla had "een on the !ront por$h :Bhere)s =ieranC< I as#% !ighting to #eep my voi$e level "e$ause something o"viously isn)t right here :Lpstairs asleep%< Carlie whispers :De)sIhe)s a little upset < Fim e&hales :;ip% I thin# you)d "etter sit down < (oo a!raid to argue or 'uestion% I pla$e the gi!t "ag ne&t to the wall and slide down into a $hair at the end o! their #it$hen ta"le =ayla sits down opposite me% wiping underneath her eyes with the "a$# o! her wrist :Bhere to startC< Fim mutters% sha#ing his head Carlie pla$es a hand on his arm% and he laun$hes in with :Be)d always planned to tell him the truth So tonight% we did De)s eighteen now and everything)s "een $hanging so mu$h lately?there was *ust no sense in waiting anymore < :Dow a"out not ruining his "irthdayC< =ayla suggests% her "itterness aimed at the wall as
she)s evidently too angry to loo# at her parents :Dow a"out not ruining the !irst thing I)ve had resem"ling a date in% li#e% !oreverC< :=ayla% enough%< Carlie s$olds% "ut she sounds more e&hausted than anything :;ip needs to hear this < I)m so $on!used I want to s$ream at them Where(s Kieran* What(s going on* Wh% aren(t %ou cra>% !eo!le making an% sense* +ut I #eep my $ool as Fim drags himsel! to the ta"le and sits in the $hair $losest to me :In another li!etime%< he "egins a!ter a deep "reath% :I served as a $onsultant to the New Yor# City >oli$e Department and the Manhattan Distri$t Attorney You)ve pro"a"ly seen people li#e me on (N shows?the ones who pro!ile suspe$ts and do interviews to determine i! de!endants are !it to stand trial < Mom and I have "lown enough laJy Saturdays on .aw and #rder marathons !or me to #now what he)s tal#ing a"out :Yeah%< I whisper :(he last $ase I wor#ed on involved an armed ro""ery $ommitted "y two young men% Morgan ,evert and /ran# DoJier%< Fim $ontinues :(hey)d "een in and out o! trou"le as *uveniles% "ut nothing too serious Bhen I met them% they were alleged to have held up a li'uor store in the northern part o! Manhattan /ran#% along with Morgan)s girl!riend% Fenna +radley% were supposed to do the *o"% while Morgan manned the getaway $ar around the $orner /ortunately% the store owner triggered a pani$ alarm under the $ash register% and poli$e started showing up almost immediately Fenna !ired !rom inside the store% and she was #illed in the shootout Morgan le!t "e!ore the poli$e spotted him% and at !irst% they had no idea Fenna and /ran# had an a$$ompli$e /ran# eventually gave Morgan up and $ooperated on possi"le hiding pla$es% and they !ound Morgan on an a"andoned !arm outside the $ity a"out two days later I got
involved "e$ause /ran# $laimed he was on drugs when he $ommitted the ro""ery and that Morgan had "een $ontrolling him < :Controlling himC< I as#% not "othering to mas# my dou"t :Yes Your rea$tion is !airly similar to everyone else)s% !rom his lawyers on down to me ."viously% people lose their inhi"itions and $an "e easily in!luen$ed when on drugs% "ut /ran# seemed lu$id at the time o! the arrest% so he wasn)t tested% and investigators !ound no drug paraphernalia at his or Morgan)s apartments /ran#)s lawyers arranged !or tests later on at his insisten$e% "ut enough time had passed that the results $ame "a$# $lear /ran# #ept $laiming he)d used something !or months that he $ouldn)t name or des$ri"e "eyond it "eing a li'uid% and that Morgan and Fenna had $oo#ed it in their apartment Morgan tal#ed /ran# and Fenna into ro""ing the li'uor store while they were under the in!luen$e% and they $arried out the ro""ery while high < :So this /ran# guy was $raJyC< :Not e&a$tly Morgan $laimed he had never manu!a$tured drugs% and no eviden$e e&isted to suggest he had Despite his repeated insisten$e that he)d "een drugged% I !ound /ran# per!e$tly $ompetent to stand trial De didn)t e&hi"it true signs o! delusion% and I assumed he was trying to tal# his lawyers into mounting an Kunder the in!luen$e) de!ense to e&plain why he supposedly $ouldn)t remem"er details o! the $rime De was senten$ed to twenty@!ive years !or attempted armed ro""ery% and Morgan was $onvi$ted o! $onspira$y < Fim pauses% and I)m a"out to as# what any o! this has to do with =ieran or anything else when Carlie drops a "om"E :Morgan ,evert and Fenna +radley areIwereI=ieran)s parents < I open my mouth to say something% "ut my mind goes "lan# :.#ay< is the "rilliant response I !inally s'uea# out
:=ieran was almost si&teen months old when his mother died% and as he had no other relatives on either side% the state too# $ustody when Morgan was arrested%< Fim e&plains :Be volunteered to "e his !oster parents% and on$e Morgan went to prison% we "egan the pro$ess to adopt him < :I had a di!!i$ult pregnan$y with =ayla% and I $ouldn)t have any more $hildren%< Carlie says% loo#ing over at =ayla% who)s sni!!ling as she listens to this story !or what I)m assuming is the se$ond time tonight :I wanted =ayla to have a si"ling% and when Fim started wor#ing on this $ase and we !ound out a"out =ieranI< :+y the time his !ather went to prison%< Fim $ontinues a!ter Carlie)s voi$e !ades away% :=ieran was nearly three I had !amily and pro!essional ties in North Carolina% and so we moved there !or a !resh start Not too long a!ter% we started noti$ing =ieran)s "ehavior < :(he sleeping% you meanC< De nods :."viously% we thought he had nar$olepsy% although people usually don)t e&hi"it symptoms until they)re older Be too# him to $ountless spe$ialists and tried every approved treatment% "ut nothing helped to #eep it under $ontrol Medi$ations% other treatments that help most people wouldn)t wor# on =ieran No one $ould tell us why Be)ve put him through so many testsI< Fim sha#es his head% and Carlie sits down in the empty $hair ne&t to him She ru"s his "a$#% her a$tion seeming to give him the strength to $ontinue :Be en$ouraged him to start #eeping the dream *ournals to !ind out i! he noti$ed anything espe$ially strange or unusual a"out his dreams% anything that might give us $lues as to how his illness wor#s =ieran was a"out eleven when he told us o! the pattern he noti$ed with =ayla)s ra$es < :(he medals%< I say Fim and Carlie e&$hange glan$es% and I wonder i! they)re relieved or $on$erned that =ieran had shared this in!ormation a"out his dreams with me
:.! $ourse% the pattern in and o! itsel! didn)t o!!er any s$ienti!i$% medi$al e&planation !or his $ondition% "ut we were so desperate to ma#e sense o! things%< Carlie e&plains :."viously% we were $urious when he told us a"out his dreams So weI< She steals a glan$e at Fim% who tilts his head toward her as i! he)s giving her permission to spea# :Aod?I)m not proud o! this Be started loo#ing through his *ournals De)d shared some things with us willingly over the years% "ut a!ter he told us a"out =ayla% we wanted to read everything < I loo# over at =ayla% who)s gritting her teeth% and when I turn my attention "a$# to Carlie% her hands are over her mouth and nose as i! she)s trying to hold something in :De)d des$ri"ed !lashes o! me wearing $lothing I hadn)t "ought yet%< she eventually says :De)d drawn Fim and me sitting on a "ea$h three months "e!ore we announ$ed a !amily va$ation to Martha)s Nineyard And the spider ring?< Carlie)s voi$e rises as she glan$es over at =ayla% "ut =ayla !olds her arms more tightly around her ri"$age and $ontinues staring ahead at the #it$hen $a"inets HealiJing she won)t get any help !rom her daughter in telling this parti$ular story% she says :=ayla had a spider ring she)d gotten at s$hool < :I drew it out o! one o! those plasti$ *a$#@o)@lantern "u$#ets during the $lass Dalloween party%< =ayla adds% still gaJing in !ront o! her No one spea#s as we wait !or her to $ontinue% and when she doesn)t% Carlie resumes the storyE :She didn)t have it on when I pi$#ed the #ids up !rom s$hool ,ater on% I was ma#ing dinner "e!ore Fim $ame home% and =ieran was sleeping in his room =ayla put the ring on and $alled me away !rom the stove% and I *ust rea$ted?I)m a!raid o! spiders < :It all happened so !ast She rolled up the morning newspaper and started wha$#ing at my hand%< =ayla inter*e$ts% allowing hersel! a tiny smile% "ut still unwilling to meet anyone)s eyes
:I)m yelling at her to stop hitting me "e$ause the spider)s not real =ieran wa#es up and $omes in s$reaming and !rea#ing out until "oth he and mom realiJed it was *ust a plasti$ spider ring It was pretty !unny at the time < At last% she turns into the ta"le so she $an loo# at all o! us :I hadn)t shown =ieran the ring when I got it "e$ause I wanted to s$are him later De didn)t #now a"out it until we wo#e him up < :Bhen we read =ieran)s *ournals% we !ound a drawing o! a hand with a spider (he entry was dated in August%< Carlie whispers :Be didn)t #now what to thin#%< Fim ta#es up the story :Be might have *ust dismissed all o! this as sele$tive memory?he remem"ered times he was right a"out something happening in the !uture% "ut !orgot instan$es o! dreaming a"out something that didn)t happen < :I)m not sure I understand%< I tell him% my eyes narrowing as I $on$entrate :Bell% !or e&ample% have you ever "een thin#ing o! someone and they show up at your door or may"e $all or te&t you a !ew minutes laterC< I sear$h my memory% "ut nothing immediately $omes to mind :May"e < :Sele$tive memory is your "rain $hoosing to remem"er the !ew instan$es in whi$h something li#e that happens and you)re $orre$t At the same time% your "rain dismisses the millions o! times you aren(t thin#ing o! someone "e!ore they $all% or those times you)re thin#ing o! someone "ut another person shows up at the door You re$all when you)re right% and !orget a"out the times you)re wrong :Bhi$h ma#es you thin# you)re always right%< I say% and he nods :=ieran des$ri"ed and drew these things so !ar in advan$eI< Fim $ontinues% sha#ing his head and sear$hing the wall near the $eiling as i! loo#ing !or the right way to $ontinue :You have to understand% ;ip?Carlie and I have trained as s$ientists -ven though in our respe$tive
pra$ti$es we)ve had to deal with the emotional side o! people% s$ien$e is ultimately how we ma#e sense o! the world +ut even s$ientists struggle with why things happen sometimes% espe$ially when dealing with the human "rain Be didn)t have an e&planation !or =ieran)s $ondition% and I $ouldn)t trust my $olleagues to help me $ome up with one?as you $an imagine% $laiming my son has glimpses o! the !uture wouldn)t have helped my $redi"ility < :And we didn)t want to turn him into some human guinea pig%< Carlie adds :.n the one hand% as Fim said% we)re s$ientists Be want to understand why $ertain things happen At the same time% =ieran)s my son% "lood or no "lood Be)d already put him through so mu$h?the s$ans% the tests% the &@raysIthere)s only so mu$h you $an do to someone in the name o! s$ien$e "e!ore you start wondering what you)re a$$omplishing < :So I made a de$ision%< Fim says :I went "a$# to New Yor# to tal# to Morgan ,evert a"out =ieran In retrospe$t% I made the "iggest mista#e o! our lives < :Dow $ould =ieran)s !ather have helpedC< I wonder aloud :Morgan is =ieran)s only living "lood relative I thought i! I tal#ed to him he $ould tell me something a"out his medi$al history% or his !amily)s% that might e&plain the dreams% or at the very least% the sleeping disorder < :AndC< I as#% eager !or the end o! the story :I told him a"out =ieran)s $ondition% and he in!ormed me /ran# DoJier hadn)t "een lying < :So /ran# and Fenna had "een on something a!ter allC< :Yes Morgan had "eenIa "it o! an amateur pharma$ologist% let)s say < :Sort o! li#e the amateur pharma$ologists out on the north end o! (itusvilleC< I smir# Fim gets my meaning and "o"s his head :-&a$tly As you #now% some o! these people
have only a vague idea o! what they)re doing (hey wor# o!! a re$ipe handed down to them !rom someone and hope the la" doesn)t e&plode "e!ore they mi& up something they $an sell Morgan and Fenna apparently stum"led upon a !ormula that produ$ed a power!ul nar$oti$ Lnder the in!luen$e% users would des$end into a sort o! sleepwal#ing state% doing things without realiJing and remem"ering little on$e they so"er up?mu$h li#e a wal#ing "la$#out a!ter someone)s had too mu$h to drin# And *ust as with most other drugs% users $an "e heavily in!luen$ed "y the suggestions o! others when they)re under < I)ve never "een drun# "e!ore% partially "e$ause I try to avoid al$ohol as a student@athlete% and partially "e$ause I)m a!raid I)ll get $aught?"y my mom% "y the $ops% or "y the s$hool My !uture)s too important to me to do something stupid% so I don)t "other% "ut plenty o! other people do ,auren and Cassie went to visit Cassie)s older sister at Northern last year "e!ore ,auren started dating +ill% and they snu$# into a !rat party where some guy put something in ,auren)s drin# ,u$#ily% Cass stayed glued to ,auren the whole time% and so Mr I)m@So@Awesome@I@ Dave@to@Drug@Airls@to@Aet@Some didn)t get the $han$e to pull anything Bhen she was telling me a"out the wee#end when they got "a$#% Cassie said ,auren was wal#ing around and tal#ing% trying to get Cassie to leave her alone so she $ould go o!! with this guy% "ut ,auren $laims she doesn)t remem"er a se$ond o! it She said one minute she was standing against the wall% waiting !or the guy to "ring her another drin#% and the ne&t minute% she was outside leaning over the "ushes with Cass holding her hair "a$# as she started to pu#e She remem"ered nothing in "etween% li#e wat$hing a DND and s#ipping !rom the !irst $hapter straight to the end without seeing the rest o! the movie% even though in reality% an hour had passed "etween the time the guy le!t her alone and when she ended up heaving her guts out So I wonder i! the sensation Morgan des$ri"ed to Fim is similar to what ,auren e&perien$ed
+ut then I thin# o! something even more relevant than ,auren)s "la$#out% remem"ering times =ieran and I have "een wal#ing to $lass or tal#ing on the phone% and later I)ll mention something a"out our $onversation and he has no memory o! anything :So was what Morgan ,evert des$ri"ed sort o! li#e when =ieran "la$#s outC< I as# :It sounded similar And on$e he realiJed what the drug $ould do% ,evert overrea$hed? rather than trying to sell his new $reation on the street% he de$ided he and his !riends would ta#e their $riminal a$tivities to the ne&t level < :Armed ro""ery%< I !ill in :De told me he had some pretty grand plans%< Fim says% sighing :(he li'uor store *o" was mostly a training e&er$ise !or them De)d hoped to move up to "an#s% armored $arsIand in every situation% he)d "e the driver% while Fenna and /ran# did the dirty wor# they wouldn)t remem"er the details o! later ."viously% they didn)t plan on the !irst store having a pani$ "utton < :So why did Morgan ris# telling you this a!ter the !a$tC< I as# :Basn)t he a!raid you)d go to the poli$eC< :All I had was his word% and he #new it As I said "e!ore% no eviden$e o! drug a$tivity had ever "een un$overed Morgan $leaned out his apartment and destroyed any tra$es o! the drug "e!ore he le!t the $ity to hide out De also said Fenna ingested the su"stan$e well into her pregnan$y with =ieran Be $an only assume Fenna)s use is what $aused his $ondition?we don)t have a "etter e&planation < :So what)s in thisIstu!!C< I say% not 'uite sure how to re!er to a su"stan$e with no apparent name :Morphine% may"eC I mean% i! you)ve got some idea what)s in it then you $an "rea# it down and !igure out how to help =ieran% rightC< -ven as I as# the 'uestion% I !ear the
answer must "e Kno ) Fim went to visit Morgan years ago% and =ieran)s $ondition apparently hasn)t $hanged Fim)s mouth spreads into a "itter smile as he tells me what I)ve already guessed to some e&tent :Morgan s$rewed me%< he "egins% and my "a$# rises a little "it with the sho$# o! someone as !ormal as Fim ,anier dropping the word :s$rewed< in the middle o! a senten$e :De $laimed he and Fenna had never written the !ormula down% and he didn)t remem"er how to ma#e it I should)ve "een smart enough to see that $oming% "ut I wanted so mu$h to help =ieranI< Fim sha#es his head and loo#s away :I sat in !ront o! this man% a $riminal% and told him everything a"out =ieran I thought I $ould appeal to him as a !ather?a !ather who wanted to help his son I showed him pi$tures% shared in!ormation with him a"out =ieran)s li!eI< Fim draws in a "reath and !i&es his eyes on me again% as i! he wants to ma#e sure this dramati$ pause !or$es me pay attention to everything he says ne&t :So there)s no telling what)s going to happen now that he)s out < >ani$ grips me to the point I $an "arely open my mouth :De)s outC< :.ne o! my $onta$ts "a$# in New Yor# told me he was released last wee# De)s done his time and he)s !ree% and I $an)t e&a$tly as# the !riends I still have in the poli$e department to #eep ta"s on a !ree man who hasn)t yet $ommitted any !urther $rimes Be)ve thought a"out hiring a private dete$tive% "ut i! Morgan has something up his sleeve and he)s smart% he pro"a"ly went o!! the grid as soon as he $ould I wouldn)t even #now where to tell a private dete$tive to start loo#ing !or him?with Fenna dead% he doesn)t have any reason to stay in New Yor# that I #now o! < :So you thin# he)s going to try to !ind =ieranC< I wheeJe :I have no idea what he)s thin#ing%< Fim says :As I said% he had some "ig plans he didn)t
!ul!ill May"e he thin#s he $an $onne$t with =ieran and get him involved in a li!e o! $rime somehow May"e he thin#s he $an use =ieran)s dreaming a"ilities to his advantage May"e he hopes to !ind =ieran and give him more o! this su"stan$eII don)t #now < :Bhat a"out /ran# DoJierC< :As !ar as we $an tell !rom the dream *ournals% he has no interest in =ieran?unli#e Morgan < :Morgan)s why we moved here !rom Asheville%< Carlie says :=ieran started re$ording dreams a"out him almost two years ago% although at !irst we had no idea he was dreaming a"out Morgan "ased on the vague des$riptions < My memory trips "a$# to =ieran)s note"oo#s and Carlie)s rea$tion to seeing them on the !loor% =ieran)s doppelganger with the goatee staring up at her :So Morgan)s the +oogey Man < I say Carlie $loses her eyes "rie!ly and opens them again :Be)ve always "een $are!ul not to let =ieran)s dreams di$tate our "ehavior% "ut when we !ound *ournal entries that $learly seemed to "e a"out Morgan% we started loo#ing into leaving North Carolina < A little laugh es$apes !rom me in spite o! mysel! :So you moved to the middle o! nowhere < :(he Sumner *o" was per!e$t%< Fim adds :It)s within driving distan$e% and (itusville)s at least !orty@!ive minutes !romIwell% anything < =ayla sni!!les again% and I remem"er she)s still in the room !or the !irst time in a while :So% how mu$h o! this did you #now "e!ore tonightC< I as# her She rests her el"ows on the ta"le% hands $upping her $hin :A lot% "ut not everything I mean% I didn)t want to #now too many spe$i!i$s on the dreams +ut I)ve #nown a"out the
Morgan ,evert stu!! sin$e I was eleven so I $ould help prote$t =ieran < I try to wrap my head around hearing this story as an eleven year@old% $onsidering I $an "arely grasp it at seventeen No wonder =ayla)s outer shell is so tough% than#s to the tremendous sense o! responsi"ility she)s had to "ear all these years (urning away !rom her to glan$e "a$# and !orth !rom Fim to Carlie% I noti$e they)re "oth avoiding my eyes% and a thought o$$urs to me :You saw me in his *ournals% didn)t youC< I as#% trying to #eep my voi$e level :Be had no idea what to thin# when we !irst !ound those s#et$hes%< Carlie admits% her !a$e stained with a sheepish smile :(hen a!ter we moved here and he started tal#ing a"out you all the timeI< :Bell% you $an imagine how sho$#ed we were when you "rought him home that night < Fim !inishes Carlie)s thought :And that)s when we were $ertainIdespite all the mi$romanaging we)ve done o! his li!e% !inding out you were real told us we didn)t have $ontrol over the situation anymore Be #new everything had to $ome out at some point Be $ouldn)t !or"id him !rom seeing you without a good reason% and there)s *ust no good reason?you)re a wonder!ul young woman% ;ip% and you $ome !rom a wonder!ul !amily < :(han#s%< I say% a$$epting what are% in this $onte&t% the weirdest set o! $ompliments I)ve ever re$eived :A!ter Carlie told me he)d shown you his *ournals% I #new we $ouldn)t avoid telling =ieran?and you?everything% espe$ially with Morgan out there somewhere You)re a part o! this < Sin#ing down in my $hair% I whisper% :Am I in some #ind o! dangerC< Fim lets out a long% measured "reath :I wish we #new (he "est we $an tell !rom =ieran)s dreams% Morgan)s li#ely going to try to ma#e $onta$t with him% and we need to assume
anyone in =ieran)s inner $ir$le $ould "e $ollateral damage in whatever Morgan)s planning As mu$h as I)d li#e to "elieve he)ll $ome out o! prison reha"ilitated% I #now what I saw all those years ago Be)re $ounting on Morgan going to North Carolina to loo# !or =ieran% "e$ause as !ar as he #nows% we)re still living there .nly my sister in Asheville has any idea we moved here% and she)s #eeping an eye out to see i! he shows up < Assuming the popular position o! the evening% I wrap my arms around mysel!% gripping my sides so tightly I !eel my ri"s through my sweater :Can I see =ieranCleaseC< And although I)m as#ing politely% I don)t $are what their answer is I need to "e with =ieran right now% need to put his !a$e and his voi$e to everything I)ve *ust learned /or the last hour% we)ve "een tal#ing about him Now I want to tal# to him% "e$ause tal#ing to him is the only way any o! this will sin# in !or me Carlie rea$hes out past Fim% putting her hand on my $hee#% her a$tions and the tears glistening in her eyes spea#ing the apology !or everything I)ve heard tonight she $an)t seem to say :.! $ourse you $an see him%< she whispers :De)s "een upstairs !or a while now De)s pro"a"ly awa#e < I stand up "ut "e!ore I $an leave the #it$hen% =ayla)s voi$e stops me :I want to $ome with you%< she announ$es I)d hoped to tal# to =ieran a"out everything alone% "ut =ayla)s so upset% and I imagine she)s thin#ing =ieran might go easy on her i! she)s with me :Sure%< I tell her% and she $rosses the room to *oin me .n$e we)re out o! the #it$hen and hal!way up the stairs% she says% :All I ever wanted to do was prote$t him Mom and Dad% too < :I #now < My !orgiveness e&tends "eyond the present moment "a$# to Fanuary now that I understand what =ayla)s "een dealing with !or so long :=ieran #nows it% too <
:I)m not so sure%< =ayla insists% wal#ing ahead o! me :You didn)t see how angry he got De was screaming at us a!ter Mom and Dad told him everything% saying he wouldn)t trust any o! us ever again and on$e he)s done with s$hool !or the year% he)s leaving and not $oming "a$# De)s never "een pissed o!! li#e that "e!ore < Be don)t get the $han$e to !ind out i! =ieran)s $almed down% "e$ause when we rea$h his "edroom he)s not there% the $om!orter pulled "a$# and the sheets twisted up as i! someone had "een in "ed re$ently =ayla surprises me "y $rossing the room and #no$#ing on the $loset door :De pro"a"ly heard us $oming%< she says to my $on!used loo# :De used to love hiding !rom me when we were little < No one responds to her #no$#% and she opens the door *ust as I $ome up ne&t to her to !ind the $loset $ontains =ieran)s $lothes and =ieran)s shoes% "ut no =ieran :(he "athroom%< =ayla suggests% mar$hing out into the hall to !ind the "athroom door wide open Be per!orm $ursory sear$hes o! her room% her parents) room% and the guest "edroom ?=ieran isn)t hiding anywhere :I guess he slipped out while we were in the #it$hen%< =ayla says% so !ar !rom !rea#ing out right now I)m amaJed She)s "een dealing with this #ind o! weirdness !ull on !or years% though% so on some level% tonight)s pro"a"ly *ust another night in the ,anier household I !ollow =ayla "a$# to =ieran)s room% where she wal#s over to the window and yan#s up the "linds :My $ar)s still here%< she reports :Not li#e he $an drive it% anyway < She sin#s to the window seat% the dar#ness I !irst noti$ed on the !ront por$h overta#ing her !a$e on$e again :So he)s run away% and we)re out in the "oonies% miles !rom town De)s pro"a"ly asleep in a dit$h% or in the middle o! the road < Sitting down on his "ed% I try to thin# li#e =ieran would% wondering where I)d go i! I wanted to $olle$t mysel! and !eel "etter% "ut had no transportation and pro"a"ly $ouldn)t get !ar
"e!ore passing out I)m guessing he wouldn)t go to my grandparents) house or over to tal# to my mom% "e$ause how would he e&plainC I $an only thin# o! one other pla$e near"y where =ieran $ould go to "e alone Haising my eyes to meet =ayla)s% I tell her :Aet your $oat I thin# I #now where he is <
Chapter 13
(he wind that $uts a$ross the prairie in April isn)t 'uite the same wind that "lows in De$em"er or even Mar$h (he winter wind in the Midwest slashes through the !ields and levels #ni!epoint sta"s against your e&posed s#in% "ut "y the "eginning o! April% the wind "arely graJes your $hee#s% and even though you might shiver o$$asionally when a real gale "lows up% the "reeJe holds the promise o! the warm days to $ome i! you $an hang on a little longer (he winter wind "lows nothing "ut de$ay% "ut an April wind always "rings hope?it even smells warmer somehow =ayla% however% seems anything "ut hope!ul as we wal# "ehind my house through the !allow !ield leading to the art wor#shop "ehind my grandparents) pla$e She "uttons up her *ean *a$#et and !olds her arms a$ross her $hest% a human "attering ram !orging ahead into the wind :Bhat do I do i! he won)t tal# to meC< she as#s% li#e I)m some sort o! e&pert in settling si"ling disputes Not only am I no e&pert% "ut this parti$ular "rother@sister ri!t also e&tends into territory that doesn)t even seem li#e part o! the real world :(hen you go "a$# home and wait until he does%< I suggest :I)ll ma#e sure he gets home o#ay < :You shouldn)t have to do that < My shoulders hun$h involuntarily :Bell% whatever I)m a !art o! this thing% remem"erC< Apparently% I was a part o! this thing long "e!ore the ,aniers told me I was involved% long "e!ore I)d laid eyes on =ieran ,anier !or the !irst time standing in the !ront entry at s$hool I was a part o! this all the way "a$# when he was sitting in his room in North Carolina drawing me in his dream *ournals A shiver travels up my spine !rom something more than the wind% and I mirror =ayla)s wal#ing posture o! arms !olded a$ross my $hest Be don)t say anything else until
we)re outside the wor#shop and my hand)s on the door#no" :Your grandparents don)t #eep the door lo$#edC< =ayla as#s% as I open the door a $ra$#% rays !rom the yellow por$h light over my grandparents) "a$# door $reating a triangle shape on the !loor :Can)t remem"er the last time someone reported a "urglary around here (wea#ers are more li#ely to steal !rom their own or !rom someone in town than to $ome all the way out to the middle o! nowhere >lus% they)d ta#e one loo# at the stu!! in here and !igure they $ouldn)t get anything !or any o! it < =ayla stands "ehind me as I peer around the edge o! the door!rame :=ieranC< I say% my voi$e only slightly a"ove a whisper Nothing /or a se$ond% I de"ate whether or not to !lip the light swit$h inside the door% "ut de$ide not to ris# my grandparents) passing "y their #it$hen window and $oming out to investigate lights on in the shed I pull my phone !rom my *eans po$#et and a$tivate the home s$reen% whi$h allows us to survey the area in a ghostly white light that only adds to the overall $reepiness o! the pla$e My mother)s un!inished wind $himes dangle !rom the $eiling over a wor#"en$h li#e spider we"s% and her wire s$ulpture pro*e$ts sna#e up !rom the !loor over "y the side wall% in this light loo#ing less li#e art and more li#e "ar"ed traps I shine the light past Aramps) lithography press and !ind =ieran in the "a$# $orner o! the shed opposite the wire s$ulptures% snooJing away against a hal!@!inished wooden "ear $arving Aramps has "een wor#ing on lately Dolding the phone o!! to my side% I $ross the distan$e "etween us to $rou$h in !ront o! him :=ieranC< I whisper% gra""ing his shoulder and sha#ing him :Mmm < =ieran "lin#s awa#e% the !aint glow !rom my phone showing me his eyes%
swollen and red !rom $rying De turns his head rapidly !rom side to side and nods% remem"ering where he is and% more importantly% why he)s here :;ip%< he murmurs :You $ame !rom my houseC< :Yeah I was downstairs tal#ing with your parents and =ayla while you were asleep Be $ouldn)t !ind you% and I thought you might "e here < :I needed to "e alone !or a while%< he e&plains% rea$hing over and ru""ing his hand along the rough stump Aramps will% one o! these days% $arve into a set o! "ear $laws :I li#e it in here My head)s already $learer somehow I $an)t e&plain?it)s li#e my thoughts ma#e more sense or something < :My mom says the same thing She always $omes out here and starts wor#ing and loses tra$# o! time Aram usually has to $ome out and tell her she should go home and get some sleep She says sometimes she $an sit in here staring at a $anvas and even i! she doesn)t get anything done% she always ends up in a "etter mood than when she $ame in Must "e some artist thing you guys have < =ieran)s !a$e glows at my re!erring to him as an artist% "ut the moment 'ui$#ly disappears as "ehind us% =ayla $lears her throat% reminding me she)s standing a !ew !eet away in the doorway =ieran leans to loo# past me at his sister% "ut he doesn)t say a word to her "e!ore he moves "a$# to where I)m "lo$#ing her !rom his view :=ieran%< she says% and doesn)t get anything else out "e!ore he starts in on her :I $an)t tal# to you right now .#ayC ,eave me alone < :/ine%< she snaps :+ut you $an)t stay mad at me !orever% you #now < :+et meC< =ayla e&hales so loudly she sounds li#e she)s #neeling ne&t to me I twist around to her
:You should pro"a"ly?< :Yeah < She $uts me o!!% voi$e 'uivering :I #now when I)m not wanted < :I)ll te&t you when we)re on our way "a$# to your house% o#ayC< =ayla shuts the door so only a tiny sliver o! light splits the dar#ened $on$rete "ehind me I shut o!! my phone and turn to =ieran% sitting down in !ront o! him with my #nees pulled to me :She !eels really "ad% you #now%< I tell him :/or lying to me !or yearsC She should !eel "ad < I don)t have any good eviden$e to plead =ayla)s $ase to him other than what he already #nows?that =ayla loves him and wants to #eep him sa!e?so I let my inappropriate sense o! humor ta#e over :Bell% anyway?happy "irthdayM< -ven in the near dar#ness% I $an see =ieran)s teeth when he laughs as they pra$ti$ally glow against the shadows :Yeah You% too I #eep waiting !or someone to *ump out and yell KApril /oolM) and we $an pretend everything)s a total *o#e < :>ro"a"ly not happening%< I mum"le :Nope < Neither o! us rushes to !ill the silen$e% and I de$ide to get down to the serious stu!! :So% how are you dealing with thisC< I as# :Dow am I dealing with !inding out my parents and my sister aren)t my real parents and my real sisterC .r with !inding out my real mother was drugging me in the wom"C .r with the !a$t my real dad)s a $raJy !elonC< =ieran)s voi$e grows in$reasingly "itter as he lays out the evening)s revelations :.r how am I dealing with the !a$t my not@sister and not@parents have done nothing "ut lie to me a"out everything !or most o! my li!eC< :Yeah Any o! it <
=ieran stares down at his hands in his lap :I)m #ind o! overwhelmed% to "e honest < :Lnderstanda"le < :And I)m pissed as hell% and $on!usedI"ut at the same timeI< De sha#es his head :Bell% it)s weird% "ut I)ve "een sitting here thin#ing?when I)ve "een awa#e?a"out how as mad as I am% I #ind o! get why Mom and DadIthe .aniers% I meanIwhateverII get why they and =ayla did everything they)ve done all these years% #eeping me #ind o! isolated and $ut o!! !rom stu!! I mean% what else $ould they do% rightC -ven without the whole !uture dreams thing and the *ail"ird dad% I)m pretty helpless on a normal day "e$ause o! the nar$olepsy% or whatever it is So in my head% I understand they)ve "een trying to prote$t me !rom mysel! and !romIwhatever else I go over and over things and on some level% everything ma#es sense +ut that doesn)t mean I don)t still !eel li#e $rap < :Lh huh%< I mum"le% mostly to tell him I)m still listening "e$ause I $an)t in a million years $omprehend his emotions right now :And% I mean% I)ve always told them a"out my dreams !rom time to time% "ut those *ournals were supposed to "e !ri+ate (hey were my pla$e to wor# stu!! out when I needed to So !or them to loo# through them without my permission% and lie to me a"out how I was seeing some version o! mysel! and not my real !atherC< =ieran sits with his mouth open% trying to !orm an answer to his own 'uestion Apparently% he doesn)t get one% "e$ause he $hanges the su"*e$t slightly :My "iggest regret in this whole situation is you You shouldn)t have anything to do with this% "ut than#s to me% my parents had to tell youI"oth o! us% I guessIeverything < My mind wanders "a$# over those des$riptions and drawings o! me in his dream *ournals% and I $an)t help "ut wonder how mu$h $hoi$e I truly had in the matter% whi$h goes against all I)ve learned a"out how the world wor#s >eople ma#e their own $hoi$es and determine their
destinies I wo#e up today% and I $hose to wear a long "la$# sweater and *eans =ieran invited me to $ome over a!ter dinner tonight% "ut the de$ision a"out what to do with my evening a!ter $onsidering his invitation was mine I de$ided to sit in his #it$hen and listen to his parents e&plain the true story o! =ieran)s li!e and illness% when I had the $hoi$e to get up and run out s$reaming at the top o! my lungs Still% I $an)t deny everything I)ve seen in his dream *ournals I $an)t deny the !a$t that he dreamed o! me months "e!ore he met me% and I $an)t deny that almost nothing ma#es any sense to me anymore :=ieran% don)t worry a"out me I)m !ine%< I tell him +ut I)m lying I)m nowhere near !ine :/ine< and I aren)t even on the same planet right now% and =ieran seems to read the !ear in my voi$e :You shouldn)t have to "e involved in this I! Morgan ,evert $an !ind me% it)s going to impa$t everyone around me I pulled you into this and now I $an)t #eep you sa!e% i! there)s even anything to #eep you sa!e !rom Aod% I)m so sorry < :I)m not%< I tell him% meaning what I say :I)m #ind o! $on!used right now% I guess% "ut I)m de!initely not sorry You didn)t pull me into anything You had no idea sharing things with me would $ause any pro"lems% "e$ause your parents were #eeping se$rets !rom %ou And I wouldn)t rewind the last three months "a$# to when you weren)t a part o! my li!e !or anything De smiles :Me% neither < :And li#e you said% we have no $lue i! we should "e a!raid May"e it)s li#e Aram always tells me?we shouldn)t "e "orrowing trou"le "y assuming something "ad)s going to happen when we don)t #now < A thought o$$urs to me as I)m getting this last senten$e out :.r% I guess we don)t I mean% does Morgan ,evert a$tually do anything in your dreamsC<
:No?I *ust #ind o! see !lashes o! his !a$e So unless he plans to "ore us to death "y *ust hanging around% I don)t get enough in!ormation !rom my dreams to !ind out what he might "e $apa"le o! All I #now is what DadI-im told me < =ieran gathers his legs to his $hest and lets out an unsteady "reath Bithout as#ing whether he wants me to or not% I get up and slide the "ear s$ulpture over towards my mom)s tangled wires so I $an sit ne&t to him% our shoulders tou$hing De "rushes the "a$# o! his hand against my arm% eventually weaving his !ingers together with mine :At least now I)ve got an e&planation !or why I am the way I am% though -ven i! I $an)t do anything a"out it% I guess we $an "e pretty sure Morgan and Fenna messed me up%< he whispers% resting his head on my shoulder :So that)s something < :I as#ed your dad i! Morgan had told him how he made thisIsu"stan$e%< I say :De said Morgan "asi$ally lied a"out not remem"ering I! someone *ust #new what was in this stu!!% then may"e we $ould !igure out how to help you < :So you)re saying I need helpC< I $an hear the teasing in his voi$e even though at this angle and in the shadows% his e&pression is a mystery :I thin# in some areas% you)re seriously "eyond help < I tell him% ma#ing sure to laugh a little so he)s sure I)m #idding :You understand what I mean% though < :I! we #new without a dou"t what was in the stu!! that $aused my $ondition to "egin with% then may"e we $ould treat it% you mean No more nar$olepsy% or whatever)s wrong with me No more dreams < =ieran sounds almost regret!ul at the thought o! $hanging his $ondition I tilt my head to ru" my $hee# along his hair :You wouldn)t want to "e $uredC .r treated or whateverC< :.nly !alling asleep when I really want to would "e ni$e (hen again% I)ve never had any other li!e% so thin#ing a"out not "eing the way I am is weird ,i#e% wa#ing up in the morning and
going to "ed at night and not having to sleep at some point during the day is a totally !oreign $on$ept < Dis non@answer answer ma#es me #eep pushing the topi$% even though I)m not sure I want to !ind out his de$ision :So i! you de!initely $ould% li#e !or real% stop theIstop everything !or good% you don)t thin# you wouldC< =ieran doesn)t say anything% o"viously thin#ing through the possi"ilities :(he sleep disorderC As mu$h as I $an)t imagine living without it% I)d !igure out how to deal I thin# I)d totally end that insanity in minute < My silen$e spea#s !or me% and he responds with :+ut that)s not all you meant% rightC< As i! we "oth sense the $onversation has $ome to some #ind o! important $rossroads% we shi!t and sit up so we $an loo# at ea$h other dire$tly :Bould you stop the dreams% =ieranC< I whisper :=nowing what you #now nowC< I may have no idea how I want him to answer my 'uestions% "ut I $an)t un@as# them (hey)re !loating in the night air "etween us% dri!ting in the shadows% waiting !or him to shed some light :I don)t #now%< is the response he gives me% whi$h may "e the "est o! all possi"ilities% mostly "e$ause the answer)s not !inal and #eeps us "oth in the $om!orting dar#ness we)ve grown used to :It)s s$ary%< he goes on :=nowing I $ould get a !lash o! something I don)t want to see% and realiJing I don)t #now enough to stop itC I)d turn that o!! in a se$ond +ut I dream a"out so many good things% though (he little moments I remem"er seeing "e!oreIwhen I !inally get some $onte&t !or those moments% I $an)t des$ri"e the !eeling < -ven though he)s turned toward me now rather than sitting up against me% =ieran)s still holding my hand De gaJes down at our !ingers la$ed together and ru"s his thum" along the deli$ate s#in "etween my thum" and
!ore!inger :I mean% I thin# a"out seeing you "e!ore I met you% and getting to meet you later in real li!e I $an)t even e&plain what that)s li#e% dreaming a"out someone and wondering who she is% wishing she)d show up and hoping that she)s a $ool person So to a$tually meet herI%ouI and !ind out you)re even more amaJing than I ever $ould have thoughtIthese aren)t the #inds o! things I)d want to give up < Swallowing hard% I raise a hand to his !a$e% !ingers !anning out a$ross his $hee# :Sometimes I wish I)d seen you $oming%< I whisper =ieran li!ts his eyes :So you $ould)ve run away s$reamingC< :SoIso I $ould)ve "een prepared So I wouldn)t "e !um"ling my way through this whole thing < :And so you)d have some idea o! what you)re supposed to do ne&tC< he as#s% un"lin#ing :So I)d "e sure what you)re going to thin# a"out what I do ne&t a!ter I do it%< I say% $on!iden$e $oming !rom a reserve inside me that only opens up when I need to rea$t 'ui$#ly% li#e when !our se$onds are le!t in the game and we)re down "y one% and I have to de$ide whether I $an su$$ess!ully drive the lane !or two or whether I should dish the "all to the wing !or one o! my teammates to ta#e a shot In this parti$ular $ase% I drive the lane I slide my hand around !rom his $hee# to the "a$# o! his head and pull him to me Dis hands weave into my hair% and I shut out every nagging dou"t threatening this moment% su$h as whether or not my hands are in the right pla$e or i! I)m the Borld)s Borst =isser My an&iety !ades to stati$ waves "umping up against an invisi"le !or$e !ield% *ust li#e I)m at the !ree throw line in a game Bhen the "all)s in my hand% I shut out the $rowd and ignore my teammates *o$#eying !or position against the opposing players along the lane I don)t even remem"er the s$ore when I)m in that moment It)s only the "all% the "as#et%
and me And right now% it)s only =ieran and me?and a hal!@!ormed "ear I)m trying to !orget is wat$hing over us I re!o$us on the sensation o! =ieran)s lips on mine% and all thoughts o! the "ear% o! everything "ut the physi$al impulses o! what we)re doing% !ade away My hand travels to =ieran)s $hest and $lut$hes at his t@shirt% !eeling his heart "eating "eneath the $otton De pulls a whisper away !rom me% and my eyes angle downward to glimpse his mouth widening to a smile 0he shoots/ And she scores/
Chapter 14
:I was hoping we were going to get around to that tonight%< he murmurs I respond "y #issing him again% hard% "ut we don)t last as long this time :I)m a littleI< =ieran "reathes when we part :,ightheadedC< I wheeJe% "e$ause I)m de!initely diJJy right now De runs an inde& !inger along my lower lip :Yeah% and #ind o! sleepy Sorry < :NoIit)s o#ay%< I tell him% $aressing his $hee# De leans "a$# against the wall% and I willingly !ollow% leaning in to rest my head on his $hest as he gathers me in his arms :I)ve never #issed anyone "e!ore%< he admits "e!ore "rushing his lips a$ross my !orehead as i! he)s trying to ma#e up !or his la$# o! e&perien$e So I $hime in with :Me% neither Not su$$ess!ully% I mean < :Su$$ess!ullyC< I thin# "a$# to poor% stupid +illy M$Ca!!ery $ollapsing in pain in Cassie)s "asement almost !our years ago :,et)s *ust say I got am"ushed on$e%< I e&plain :I ended up #neeing the guy in the *un# < =ieran !lin$hes% whi$h "rings the "onus o! him holding me tighter :Hemind me never to surprise you with a #iss < :You $an surprise me any time you want < I snuggle into him% a 'uestion "urning a hole in me :Dey% =ieranC< :MmmmC< :Did youIdid you dream thisC< :=issing youC< :Yeah <
:You mean "e!ore or a!ter we metC< I smile :+oth < :Bell% a!ter we met% I dreamed a"out #issing you all the time ,i#e% daily% pretty mu$h < :And "e!oreC< I as# :.#ay?you)re going to laugh%< he says :I did #ind o! get this !lash o! us here% although no #issing Auess what I did dream a"out% thoughC< De pauses !or a "eat "e!ore answering his own 'uestion :(hat stupid "ear Not even #idding < .! $ourse% I start giggling as soon as he mentions the "ear De starts laughing% too% "ut not !or long% as his head grows heavy on mine% "ut not so mu$h that I)m un$om!orta"le (o ma#e sure I don)t !all asleep as well and we don)t end up out here all night% I #eep mysel! awa#e "y listening to his heart"eat "e!ore sha#ing him "a$# to me a!ter a !ew minutes :BhatC .#ay?I)m up%< he says% lowering his head and li!ting my $hin to #iss me :You #now%< I "egin when his lips leave mine% :As mu$h as I)d li#e to stay out here with you !orever% I don)t thin# it)s an option < :Bhi$h totally su$#s < :Yeah% "ut i! my grandparents !ind us% I)m not sure you)ll want to e&plain what you)ve "een doing out here alone with their granddaughter < :Aood point%< he says :Anyway% it)s still our "irthday Be)ve got a !ew hours le!t in the day no"ody)s managed to ruin !or us yet% so we should pro"a"ly get on that < :(rue < :And while the idea o! going to my house doesn)t e&a$tly thrill me right now% your "irthday present)s there I)d #ind o! li#e to give it to you while it)s still o!!i$ially our "irthday < :I le!t your present at your house% too So i! you want the Hange Hover I par#ed in the
driveway with a "ig red "ow% we)ll need to go "a$# to your house in this li!etime < De snorts at my mention o! "uying him a Hange Hover and says :I guess you also "ought me a driver to go along with the Hange HoverC< :You already have a driver%< I point out% s'uirming in his arms so I $an sit up :=ayla < =ieran)s mouth twists to a !rown at the mention o! his sister% "ut I start de!ending her "e!ore he $an say anything :,oo#?you said you sort o! understand why your parents and =ayla did what they did Your parents sat her down when she was eleven and told her everything you !ound out tonight% and then told her she $ouldn)t tal# a"out stu!! with you or anyone else (hin# a"out how you)re rea$ting right now% and you)re eighteen She was ele+en (hat)s a lot to lay on a #id% at any age < :I #now%< he says% sighing :I)m so si$# o! "eing prote$ted all the time% though And I get how they thin# they #ept those se$rets !or my own good% "ut I wish they)d told me when they told her and gotten everything out in the open years ago I! they thought =ayla $ould handle #nowing% then why $ouldn)t they tell meC< :I $an)t spea# !or your parents%< I tell him :All I #now is the one person you shouldn)t "e mad at right now is =ayla +e mad at your parents% and "e mad at your real parents% "ut don)t "e mad at her < I don)t want to% "ut I wriggle out o! his arms and stand up% turning to rea$h my hands down to pull him up :So get over "eing a *er# to your sister and let)s go "a$# to your house and try out your new Hange Hover < De pops up in !ront o! me% his hands in mine% "ut when I turn toward the door% he tugs me "a$# :Bait a minute% o#ayC< :YeahC< :So%< he starts% loo#ing at the !loor :there)s this >rom thing all the #ids at s$hool are
wor#ed up a"out < :(hat)s the rumor < :Bell% I was wonderingIand% I mean% I)ve never "een to a dan$e "e!ore% and I #ind o! don)t #now how to dan$e% even% and I)ll pro"a"ly end up passing out on you hal! the time anyway?< Haising my eye"rows at him% I try not to smile !rom ear to ear "ut I $an tell I)m !ailing :You)re doing an amaJing *o" o! selling yoursel!% =ieran < :(han#s < De smiles "a$# :I)ve never as#ed any"ody out% so I)m pro"a"ly s$rewing this up royally < :Bell% I)ve never "een as#ed out "e!ore% so you $an s$rew up all you want and I won)t #now the di!!eren$e < Dis head *er#s "a$# slightly :I have a hard time "elieving no one)s ever as#ed you out < :I)m every"ody)s !riend < I shrug :I)ve #nown every guy in this town sin$e a"out "irth% so I either thin# they)re disgusting or they)re li#e "rothers to me% and some guys pro"a"ly #ind o! !orget I)m a girl anyway "e$ause o! the sports stu!! So I)ve never "een as#ed out on a date date "e!ore I)ve *ust always #ind o! gone out with guys in "ig groups and stu!! < :(heir loss Anyone who doesn)t realiJe you)re a girl is totall% missing out < I laugh :(han#s < :No pro"lem +ut% anyway% what I)m trying to say isI< De pauses again and s'uints at me% pretending to "e $on!used% "ut his grin gives him away :Should I "e down on one #nee or somethingC I have no idea how this is supposed to wor# < :I thin# the down@on@one@#nee stu!! $omes later%rom% i! you)ll go with me < I lean in and wrap my arms around his ne$#% answering his 'uestion with a #iss :So% that)s a yesC< he "reathes when I pull away and ru" my nose against his :I)ll thin# a"out it and get "a$# to you < :You)re #illing me% you #nowC< he says% holding me to him Haising my lips to his ear% I whisper :(hat)s a yes < De #isses me 'ui$#ly and smoothes some hair o!! my !orehead% his smile so !ull@wattage it $ould almost power the shed :You realiJe this means I)ll "e wearing a dress% rightCrepare to "e disappointed < =ieran sighs :Be $an wear mat$hing tu&edos to >rom and I won)t $are I *ust want to "e with you < De lowers his mouth to mine on$e again% and I press my "ody against his% hal!@ waiting !or him to go sla$# and $ollapse with sleep% hal!@waiting !or me to go sla$# and $ollapse "e$ause my heart)s e&ploded (han#!ully% neither s$enario $omes true De pulls away a!ter what seems li#e a minute and an eternity all at the same time :.#ay% we really need to get out o! here%< he whispers :.r I re!use to "e held responsi"le !or what might happen ne&t < :Me% too < I smile% !ighting the urge to #iss him again "y heading !or the door :You o#ayC< I as#% noti$ing his worn@out loo# when the por$h light hits him :Yeah ,ittle tired% I guess I thin# I $an get "a$# to the house% though <
:Bell% tell me i! you need to sit down or something% o#ayC< =ieran nods and we step out onto my grandparents) lawn As I shut the door "ehind us% I hear a swishing noise% li#e something?or someone?moving in the low grass :Bhat was thatC< =ieran as#s I survey the immediate area :No $lue% "ut I de!initely heard something < .ther than the light over my grandparents) "a$# door% their house is dar# (a#ing =ieran)s hand% I lead him around to the "a$# o! the shed% "ut we !ind nothing "ut the s$ru""y grass e&tending through the dar#ness and meeting the tree line a !ew yards away :Fust the wind% I guess%art o! me wants to tell =ieran to ease up on Fim and Carlie% "ut I !igure he)s had enough to deal with tonight without me trying to plead their $ase So I ta#e one last loo# into the dar# "e!ore turning us around to head "a$# to the ,aniers) hand in hand% stopping every on$e in a while so =ieran $an rest or so we $an get in a !ew more #isses "e!ore we)re no longer alone -ventually% the dirt path "etween my house and his gives way to his driveway% and we stop to ta#e in the light $oming !rom every window in the house in !ront o! us :Auess they waited up%< =ieran grum"les as I $he$# the time on my phone :Still pretty early%< I report% realiJing I !orgot to te&t =ayla on the way li#e I said I would% my "rain a little #iss@s$ram"led right now :Can you stay a whileC< he as#s :I)m not sure I)m ready to spend 'uality time with them alone yet < I s'ueeJe his hand :.! $ourse I)ll stay as long as you need me <
De smiles and leans into me% his lips "rushing a$ross my !orehead and down to my eyelids "e!ore ending their travels at my ear :(hen you might not "e going home tonight%< he whispers :.r ever <
Chapter 15
I do eventually leave =ieran)s house with my "irthday presents?a $opy o! The Portable Doroth% Parker !rom =ayla and a silver $harm "ra$elet !rom =ieran +a$# home a!ter =ayla drops me o!!% I !all asleep with the "ra$elet still on my le!t wrist% my thum" ru""ing a$ross the !lower@shaped "eads with my "irthstone in the $enter spa$ed evenly amongst the plain round "eads% the pattern only "ro#en up "y one "ead with a :;< et$hed on its sur!a$e and "y a silver dangle with a tiny "as#et"all at the end Sometime in the night% I start dreaming o! the sun"ursts =ieran always draws% only my sun"ursts are a "rilliant orange outlined in "la$# instead o! the pure "la$# they are when doodled with =ieran)s pens Bhen I wa#e up% I type out the details in the same !ile on my laptop as the other dream I re$orded yesterday morning% a little disappointed I didn)t dream a"out =ieran and me #issing in the art studio +ut I guess we don)t $ontrol our dreams My dreams /riday night don)t mean mu$h% "ut Saturday night% a!ter $oming home !rom my res$heduled movie outing with =ieran% =ayla% and +rad Balla$e% I !all asleep on$e again twirling the "eads on my wrist% "ut this time% I dream a"out >rom During study "rea#s on Sunday% I read and re@read the dream des$ription on my $omputer% loo#ing !or $lues% trying to !or$e my "rain to remem"er something else with more meaning than the words already on the s$reenE M% head on Kieran(s shoulder as we dance/ 0ome slow song I don(t recogni>e/ White Christmas lights hang ,rom the g%m ceiling like a cano!% and lit2u! clouds line the g%m walls/ #ther cou!les dance in ,ront o, us/ The room is a swirl o, colors'all the girls( dresses/ 3+er%thing goes black/ 3+er%thing goes black?I remem"er wa#ing up and !eeling vaguely $reeped out% "ut
"eyond the !a$t that my des$ription suggests I suddenly stopped seeing the lights and the $olors as i! someone dropped a $urtain in !ront o! my eyes% I have no idea why the dream s$ares me so mu$h And i! there)s one thing I don)t want to "e !rea#ing out a"out with a little over a month to go% it)s >rom I wal# into s$hool Monday morning and am instantly greeted "y a large "anner hanging over the gym doors% giant spar#ly "lue "u""le letters telling me >rom ti$#ets will start going on sale /riday I! I)m remem"ering $orre$tly !rom previous years how this wor#s% we)ll have three wee#s o! signs around s$hool reminding us to "uy our ti$#ets% a$$ompanied "y more signs en$ouraging us to sign up !or the parent@$haperoned A!ter@>arty at the Stanley /arm% !ollowed "y a wee# during whi$h only the >rom $ommittee is allowed in the gym !or de$orating purposes /rom now until the !irst Saturday in May% (itusville Senior Digh will "e all@>rom% all the time% the mania only "ro#en up "y "oring $lasses As a !reshman and sophomore% I $onsidered the month o! April to "e the seventh level o! hell "e$ause I was so not interested in the whole thing% "ut there it was in your !a$e every day Now% as a *unior with a real live date and a distur"ing dream a"out the event hidden at home on my $omputer% I don)t #now what to thin# :In Your Dreams%< Cassie spits !rom "ehind me% reading the >rom theme o!! the "anner :Sooo lame Dow do you even de$orate thatC< I)d !orgotten Cassie was on the >rom Committee% something she also tried to drag me into until I mentioned I)d rather !ile my !ingernails o!! with a $heese grater than sit around a!ter s$hool dis$ussing themes and $olor s$hemes Fudging "y her attitude% In Your Dreams wasn)t anywhere near the top o! her list o! ideas !or the evening :Dow to de$orate dreams%rom CommitteeC< Cass el"ows me :(here)s still time < :No% than#s < I retreat into my head !or a minute and thin# a"out my dream as the hallway noise o! $onversation and slamming lo$#er doors vi"rates around me Bhat did I *ust do hereC Did I $hange the !utureC .r did I report a !uture that)s going to happen anywayC Is the >rom Committee going to $hoose white Christmas lights now "e$ause I made a suggestion to Cassie% and she)ll ta#e the idea to themC Bould they $hoose white Christmas lights anyway% even i! I hadn)t said anythingC In Your Dreams No #idding (hree months ago% I don)t thin# I)d ever thought a"out whether or not I "elieved in !ate or wondered i! dreams $ould determine the !uture% and now I)m 'uestioning whether or not I $an in!luen$e the >rom Committee)s !ree willC Cassie pulls me "a$# to the present moment only to $on!use me even more :Bell% at least you)re going to >rom%< she says :Bait?how do you #nowC< I as#% wondering now i! everyone in (itusville is seeing the !uture :You and =ieran were out with =ayla and +rad Saturday night% rightC Bell% +rad told +en .),eary =ieran had as#ed you% and +en% I)m assuming you don)t #now "e$ause you ne+er pay attention to anything% is dating Stephanie rom together% whi$h mar#s their !ourth try at a relationship sin$e eighth grade
:A"out time he as#ed% too%< Cassie hu!!s :I didn)t thin# you two were ever going to get past whatever an$ient $ourtship rituals you were engaging in >lease tell me he)s at least #issed you "y now < :I #issed him% than# you very mu$h < Cassie pushes out her lower lip and nods slowly :I stand $orre$ted% ;ip M$=ee And it loo#s li#e you)ve already got him trained to wait !or you at your lo$#er% so #udos on that < My eyes shi!t a !ew !eet ahead o! me to see =ieran leaning up against my lo$#er% hands in his !ront *eans po$#ets and eyes on the !loor :I)ll let you have some alone time with your lover "oy "e!ore $lass%< Cassie teases "e!ore wal#ing up the hall to her own lo$#er% her $omment than#!ully lost to =ieran in all the noise :Dey%< I greet him% sliding my "a$#pa$# o!! my shoulder and to the ground at my !eet De stands up !rom the metal door so I $an start !um"ling my way through my $om"ination :Dey% yoursel!%< he says "a$#% moving "ehind me De slides his arms around my waist and #isses my ne$# near my ponytail holder% prompting an almost immediate tap on the shoulder !rom Mr +erringer% a Spanish tea$her whose un!ortunate tas# this morning is patrolling the *unior hallway to prevent any mis"ehavior?!ights% phone usage% and% in our $ase% hormonal teenagers "ehaving li#e hormonal teenagers :Dands% Mr ,anier%< +erringer s$olds =ieran peels himsel! o!! me and slams up against the lo$#er ne&t to mine% arms outstret$hed and hands raised as i! he)s ready to "e !ris#ed "y the $ops +erringer grima$es and moves down the hall :Digh s$hool is #ind o! lame sometimes%< =ieran groans% turning towards me :All I want to do is give my girl!riend the KAood Morning) she deserves% and they a$t li#e it)s a $rime <
(he word :girl!riend< lingers in my ears on this% the !irst time I)ve ever heard those words in re!eren$e to me I almost have to $onvin$e mysel! I)m =ieran)s girl!riend and he isn)t tal#ing a"out someone else% it seems so "iJarre :Digh s$hool is lame all the time%< I $ounter% gra""ing "oo#s !or the morning $lasses I don)t already have in my "a$#pa$# :And you $an give me all the KAood Morning) you want a!ter s$hool% "y the way < I raise my eye"row% and he rea$hes out to gra" my hand% ris#ing another warning !rom +erringer :.r a!ter detention%< I point out% standing on my tip toes to $at$h the "a$# o! +erringer)s head still moving in the other dire$tion over the sea o! our $lassmates :+e$ause we)re "oth headed there i! you don)t $ut it out < =ieran pouts and drops my hand :.#ay% o#ay Anyway% I need to as# you something < :YeahC< :Can we go to the li"rary !or a while a!ter s$hool instead o! the DinerC< :Sure Something you need to wor# onC< (he warning "ell rings "e!ore he $an answer% and a!ter he glan$es around to ma#e sure +erringer isn)t patrolling the general vi$inity% he gives me a 'ui$# #iss and we $ross the hall to -nglish A!ter enduring another (hin#@>air@Share set@up% =ieran and I are !ree to pretend to tal# a"out The "atural% a "oo# we)ve "oth already read% while we really tal# a"out why he wants to go to the li"rary :I thin# I want to !ind out a"out my real parents%< he tells me :You #now?loo# up old newspaper arti$les online% try to !ind some pi$tures < :You)re sureC< I as# :Not $ompletely +y this a!ternoon% I)ll pro"a"ly have $hanged my mind again +ut all that in!ormation)s out there and I have to loo#?too tempting not to I)d do my resear$h at home%
"ut I don)t trust my not@parents won)t go loo#ing through the $omputer < De sits "a$# in his $hair and stares out the window% his hands gripping the edge o! his seat :May"e this doesn)t ma#e any sense% "ut they)re not real until I a$tually see them% you #nowC -ven Morgan ,evert I)ve seen him in my dreams% "ut I want to !ind out what he loo#ed li#e "a$# then < =ieran pauses% eyes still on the gray day outside% the white $louds rolling a$ross the s#y as i! they)re moving out so the dar#er rain $louds $an settle in :And I want to see my mother?Fenna I $an)t help it < :I don)t "lame you%< I say% #nowing i! I)d learned I)d never meet my real mother in person% I)d want to go loo#ing !or pi$tures o! her% too :So% you inC< he as#s :.! $ourse%< I agree% slipping a !oot out o! one o! my sports slides and ru""ing my toe along his an#le underneath the $u!! o! his *eans De !lashes a grin% and so I don)t stop :So what parallels did you !ind in the reading to mythologi$al sour$esC< Mrs Darvey as#s as she $omes up ne&t to us I *am my !oot "a$# into my sport slide to avoid detention% while =ieran daJJles Mrs Darvey "y outlining some relationships o! themes in the novel to Arthurian legend -nglish $lass and the rest o! the day drag on the way they always do this time o! year% when you #now the light at the end o! the tunnel is the !reedom o! summer va$ation% "ut the light)s still !ar enough away to "e only a pin@pri$# against the dar#ness A!ter my seventh period Musi$ Appre$iation $lass% I $he$# my "a$#pa$# to ma#e sure I have everything I need to ta#e home with me .n$e I)m satis!ied all the ne$essary materials to $omplete my homewor# !or tomorrow are present and a$$ounted !or% I de$ide to s#ip a last trip upstairs to my lo$#er and head straight to the li"rary on the !irst !loor at the rear o! the "uilding (itusville isn)t "ig enough to support a muni$ipal li"rary% so the !ive people who a$tually
read in this town either go to Sumner to $he$# out or "uy "oo#s% or they use the "oo#mo"ile the Sumner >u"li$ ,i"rary sends out around the $ounty every two wee#s (he high s$hool li"rary stays open !or students until !our on wee#days during the s$hool year to a$$ommodate any wor# students might need to do% so =ieran and I have plenty o! time to resear$h his real parents and get downtown to the Diner "e!ore my mom)s store $loses =ieran rea$hes the li"rary doors se$onds a!ter I do% apparently not having $hanged his mind a"out sear$hing !or in!ormation :HeadyC< he as#s% holding the door open !or me :Yup < ,u$#y !or us% unless a "ig pro*e$t)s due in some $lass% most (itusville students avoid the li"rary li#e it)s a $ommuni$a"le disease% so we don)t have to !ight anyone to use the $omputers Heading ea$h other)s minds% we wal# without spea#ing to the $omputer !urthest away !rom the $ir$ulation des#% where Mrs +o$hine $la$#s away at her #ey"oard% "arely noti$ing us as we pass "y A!ter we sit down% =ieran gathers my !a$e in his hands and levels a #iss so $rushing I)m a!raid he might su$# all the air out o! my lungs :Aod% I)ve wanted to do that all day%< he whispers in my ear as we hold ea$h other% our "odies twisted into unnatural positions sin$e we)re sitting side "y side .ver his shoulder% I $an *ust "arely ma#e out Mrs +o$hine)s hands at her $omputer% most o! her "lo$#ed !rom our view "y the row o! "oo#s that hope!ully shields us !rom her eyes :No #idding%< I gasp% a"andoning all $aution and #issing him again% my hand traveling to his #nee where I hear the !aint s$raping o! my $harm "ra$elet against his *eans Cassie% and sometimes ,auren and Ashley% too% have des$ri"ed to me what I)m !inally getting to e&perien$e with =ieran% the $onstant gnawing in the pit o! my stoma$h% the pain!ul yet pleasant a$he telling me no matter how many hours?da%s% even?I $ould spend #issing him%
they)ll never "e enough (here will always "e want% overta#ing me when my mind wanders o!! during a "oring e&planation o! the su"*un$tive in /ren$h $lass% "urning through me at night when I $an)t "e with him I never "elieved them "e!ore% thought they were going on a"out another one o! those dum" girl things that don)t seem to "e a part o! my world !or some reason% li#e pi$#ing out the per!e$t eye shadow to go with that new sweater or !inding the right shoes to mat$h that purse +ut now% with =ieran)s tongue $ir$ling mine% I)m $onvin$ed I)m e&perien$ing normal% natural% and #ind o! s$ary urges% !eeling "iology do what "iology does instead o! *ust reading a"out it in a te&t"oo# and loo#ing at a "un$h o! diagrams And "iology)s telling me what I want to do right now is drag =ieran to the "a$# o! the li"rary so I $an push him up against a wall and do the #inds o! things I)ve only seen people do in movies% things I wouldn)t #now how to do in real li!e without ma#ing a total ass o! mysel! As mu$h as I want to surrender to "iologi$al imperative right here in the li"rary% some part o! my "rain reminds me o! the real reason I)m sitting at this $omputer terminal% and so I pull away !rom =ieran ever so slightly% my tongue running along his "ottom lip "e$ause I don)t want to separate $ompletely :Bhat were we doing here againC< he "reathes% his words pra$ti$ally inside my mouth :Hesear$h%< I whisper "a$# =ieran sighs and ta#es his hands !rom my !a$e% pla$ing them on the #ey"oard I sit up straight ne&t to him% still ris#ing a potential adult reprimand "y "rushing my !ingertips lightly down his inner thigh% my hand $oming to rest on his #nee De $loses his eyes !or a se$ond as my hand moves% sha#ing his head 'ui$#ly as he tries to !o$us :.#ay%< he starts% wiggling the $omputer mouse (he psy$hedeli$ swirls o! the s$reen saver disappear% revealing the s$hool)s homepage =ieran types a sear$h engine address into the
lo$ation "ar% and we)re o!! Sort o! De drops his hands !rom the #ey"oard to his lap% his le!t hand sliding over my hand on his #nee :Change your mindC< I as# :No III mean% should I *ust type his name into a sear$h and see what $omes upC Start with New Yor# newspapersC< Sensing his $on!usion is pro"a"ly stemming !rom !ear more than anything% I slide the #ey"oard over in !ront o! me and type :Morgan ,evert< into the spa$e with the !lashing $ursor :It)s not a $ommon name%< I tell him :I thin# we have a good $han$e o! !inding what we)re loo#ing !or i! we go "road and then narrow !rom there < I sta" the :enter< #ey to !ind I)m right?the !irst !our we" lin#s that pop up appear% "ased on the headlines% to "e a"out the Morgan ,evert we)re loo#ing !or =ieran moves the mouse to $li$# the !irst lin#% "ringing up a s$anned newspaper arti$le with the headline :Auilty Nerdi$t in Bashington Deights Ho""ery < De slowly s$rolls through the te&t% the words telling us little we don)t already #now Ne&t to the middle paragraph is a photo% "ut sin$e we)re loo#ing at a s$an o! an old arti$le% the photo is an even more grainy "la$# and white than it would "e on a !resh newspaper page No matter how un$lear the pi$ture% the man standing "ehind the de!ense ta"le awaiting his !ate% !lan#ed "y two men in suits who I assume were his lawyers% is de!initely Morgan ,evert% only younger than =ieran drew him in his dream *ournals (his version has more hair% pulled "a$# into a ponytail A !ew strands have es$aped to !rame his stoi$ !a$e% the lo$#s appearing oily even in the dull !latness o! a s$anned photograph And he doesn)t have a goatee as he did in the *ournals% the la$# o! !a$ial hair $om"ined with his youth giving me an uneasy !eeling I)m staring at a long@haired version o! my "oy!riend
Chapter 16
:Bow%< =ieran "reathes% sha#ing his head as i! he)s trying to ma#e the image in !ront o! him go away :You o#ayC< I as# :Yeah FustIit)s weird% you #nowC< I s$roll past the photo so we $an !o$us on the te&t without Morgan ,evert staring at us :Says here he)s twenty@two%< =ieran notes% pointing at the te&t on the s$reen :De was "arely nineteen when I was "orn "ineteen < De sits "a$# and lets this "it o! in!ormation sin# in :I $an)t imagine having a #id a year !rom now I $an)t even ta#e $are o! mysel!% mu$h less a "a"y%< he says :No #idding%< I agree% "e!ore $lari!ying :I don)t mean %ou spe$i!i$ally I mean anyone who)s young < :I #now I)m #ind o! a wal#ing spe$ial $ir$umstan$e on most things +ut% yeah% it would "e pretty hard ta#ing $are o! a #id as a normal nineteen@year old My issues would *ust add an e&tra layer o! su$# to the pro$eedings .! $ourse% I $an)t imagine mysel! $ommitting armed ro""ery at twenty% either .r ever < =ieran adds% re!eren$ing Morgan)s other "ig a$$omplishment !rom that time period :Bhat #ind o! messed up do you have to "e to try to ro" a li'uor store when you have a #id to ta#e $are o!C< :May"e they did it because they had a #id%< I point out% laying "lame on Fenna +radley as well :I mean% some people around here start having #ids "e!ore they)re ready and they $an)t !ind a *o" or don)t have any s#ills to get one (hey thin# they $an s$ore 'ui$# $ash ma#ing meth% and they end up trashing their whole !amily in the pro$ess /rom what your dad said% Morgan had "een in and out o! trou"le !or a while% so that #ind o! li!e was pro"a"ly all he #new I guess i! he
needed !ast money to support you and your momI< I don)t !inish the senten$e "e$ause I don)t need to =ieran leans !orward again and s$rolls through the rest o! the arti$le :It *ust mentions Fenna was #illed and /ran# DoJier had already "een $onvi$ted%< he relates% although I)m reading along with him De sits "a$# in the $hair on$e more% arms !olded a$ross his $hest and a "lan# e&pression on his !a$e% and I have to as# him :So% is it real nowC Seeing him somewhere "esides your *ournalsC< :Don)t #now%< he says% sha#ing his head :I thought it would "e% "ut I guess it)s not the same as i! he were% li#e% right in !ront o! me I mean% %ou?I $an)t deny you)re real You)re here I $an tou$h you < As i! he needs to prove to me that he $an% in !a$t% tou$h me% he turns and pla$es a hand on my shoulder% pulling me to him !or a "rie! #iss :Dave I mentioned I)m pretty happy I)m here and you $an tou$h meC< I say when we part :Ma#es two o! us < De grins% "ut his e&pression 'ui$#ly hardens again :Dope!ully% Morgan ,evert will never "e right in !ront o! me where I $an see him as a real% live% three@ dimensional human "eing So in some way% may"e he)ll ever "e truly real !or me < =ieran turns "a$# to the grainy photo on the s$reen :I guess it)s #ind o! interesting to !ind out what he loo#ed li#e when he was younger% though I mean% he)s "asi$ally a grungier version o! me < :You)re "etter loo#ing%< I o!!er =ieran gives my #nee a grate!ul s'ueeJe as he gra"s the mouse De $li$#s "a$# to the sear$h results and s$rolls down to an arti$le entitled :Sear$h !or Ho""ery Suspe$t Continues%< whi$h in!orms us that the poli$e were still sear$hing !or Morgan a!ter the ro""ery% although they had solid leads as to his wherea"outs (his arti$le ma#es re!eren$e to /ran# DoJier $ooperating with poli$e in the sear$h% and notes Fenna +radley was #illed when she !ired on poli$e !rom inside the store My eye hits upon the senten$e :,evert and
+radley)s minor $hild was removed !rom the home and pla$ed in !oster $are until other relatives $an "e lo$ated%< and I point it out to him :Yeah Fust read that%< he says Dis eyes "lin# at the $omputer s$reen% his mouth pressed into a tight line I $an)t tell what he)s thin#ing% and so I !lat out as# ,evert and +radley)s no longer minor $hild :So% what)s it li#e% reading a"out yoursel! in a New Yor# newspaperC< :Surreal%< is his simple answer I wait !or him to add something else% "ut he doesn)t% instead using the mouse to draw laJy $ir$les with the on@s$reen arrow over his !ather)s mug shot ?!rom some teenage $rime% I guess Bhile a minute ago I)d told =ieran he was "etter loo#ing than his !ather to ma#e him !eel "etter and "e$ause to me% he)s more "eauti!ul than anyone on the planet% studying Morgan)s !a$e in $lose@up tells me that o"*e$tively% =ieran is de!initely the handsomer o! the two In this photo% Morgan wears the va$ant stare I)ve seen on the !a$es o! twea#ers wandering around the $onvenien$e stores out near the interstate when I)ve stopped to get gas It)s a hollow@eyed% :I)ve "een up !or three days and I want to lie down here in the *un# !ood aisle and go to sleep< !a$e% $omplete with disheveled hair?no ponytail this time?and $happed lips -ven though he)s a young man in this mug shot% Morgan)s !a$e shows lines and $revi$es suggesting someone mu$h older% someone who)s seen and done things people pro"a"ly shouldn)t have seen and done at his age =ieran tires o! staring at his !ather and $li$#s "a$# to the sear$h results De pulls up two arti$les in a row relating the details o! the ro""ery with no pi$tures% and !inds a third story !eaturing a photo o! the li'uor store% "ut none o! the $riminals themselves All o! the other arti$les we !ind a"out Morgan)s trial and $onvi$tion only have pi$tures o! Morgan% and when we go "a$# to the list o! arti$les% the lin#ed headlines and their a$$ompanying summaries re!eren$e /ran# DoJier% "ut not Fenna +radley
:Be might not !ind any pi$tures o! your mother%< I point out :Considering all we)ve seen o! your dad so !ar are $ourt pi$tures and mug shots% may"e that)s a good thing < :I don)t remem"er my not@dad saying anything a"out her "eing arrested "e!ore% either%< he adds% $li$#ing on a lin# titled :Arrest Made in Attempted Armed Ho""ery < +e!ore we start reading% =ieran leans !orward% head in his hands :(iredC< I as# :A little < :Ao ahead and rest%< I tell him :I)ll #eep reading I! I !ind anything interesting% I)ll wa#e you up < =ieran gives in% "ending his right arm at the el"ow and lowering his head to his !orearm I ru" his "a$# !or a !ew se$onds "e!ore returning my hand to the mouse so I $an s$roll through the arti$le a"out /ran# DoJier)s arrest Again% I don)t un$over anything new I do learn% however% that /ran# DoJier was nineteen at the time o! the ro""ery% and on$e I)ve s$rolled to the end o! the arti$le% I)m treated to a "la$# and white mug shot% the $aption telling me I)m staring at /ran# DoJier .nly his shoulders on up are visi"le% "ut /ran# appears tall and sto$#y% very little o! the wall he)s "een photographed against showing "ehind him Dis eyes aren)t mu$h more than slits% the s#in underneath and around his eyelids seeming almost swollen /ran#)s a teenager in the shot% "ut he)s already "alding% his hair "uJJed $lose to his s$alp% the stu""le indi$ating a hairline high on his !orehead ,eaning in $loser to the $omputer% I study /ran# DoJier)s photo% s'uinting at his hairline% the shape o! his !a$e% his sun#en% narrow eyes% all o! whi$h loo# vaguely !amiliar .n$e the re$ognition o! whom I)m staring at sets in% I !all "a$# against the $hair as i! he had *ust rea$hed out !rom the s$reen and pun$hed me in the !a$e
:.h% Aod%< I wheeJe% my hand on =ieran)s shoulder% sha#ing him awa#e :=ieran% wa#e up Ba#e up You won)t "elieve this < =ieran raises his head and glan$es "a$# at me I point at the $omputer s$reen% and he sits up in the plasti$ $hair% "lin#ing :Bhat am I loo#ing at hereC< :/ran# DoJier%< I tell him I wait an eternity o! se$onds !or him to put the puJJle pie$es together Fust as I did% he leans $loser to the s$reen and s'uints at the photo I wat$h =ieran)s e&pression as he !o$uses on /ran#% staring% staring% his eyes gradually widening% his !a$e registering all the sho$# I was?am ?!eeling :Are you #idding meC< he whispers% turning away !rom the $omputer s$reen to loo# at me% his e&pression wild :De)s "een here this whole timeC< And that)s when I #now !or sure he)s realiJed what I have?/ran# DoJier)s the "urly guy who waits on us every wee#day at the Downtown Diner
Chapter 17
(he li"rary)s sti!ling% as i! someone)s $ran#ed up the thermostat sin$e we !irst wal#ed in :Is it hot in here all o! a suddenC< I as# =ieran% who hasn)t stopped gaw#ing at /ran# DoJier)s younger sel! :It)s a little warm%< he agrees without loo#ing at me I lean !orward% el"ows on the ta"le and $hin resting on my !ists% *oining him in this imaginary staring $ontest with /ran# DoJier :Bhat do we do nowC< I whisper :I mean% he)s here < =ieran)s gaJe darts around the area we $an see !rom where we)re sitting% almost as i! he e&pe$ts /ran# DoJier)s lur#ing in the (itusville li"rary% waiting to *ump out and doIwhateverI whi$h leads me to as#% :Bait?isn)t he supposed to "e in *ailC< :May"e he got paroledC< =ieran suggests% voi$e unsteady :(ime o!! !or good "ehaviorC< I shrug% "e$ause this is all so weird anything)s possi"le at this point :May"e +ut at any rate% what are we supposed to doC And do you thin# Morgan ,evert)s hiding out here somewhere% tooC< I glan$e around the li"rary *ust as =ieran had a minute ago +oth Morgan and /ran# might as well "e in the room right now% I !eel so trapped "y them already% "ut =ieran sha#es his head with $on!iden$e that Morgan% at least% isn)t in our general vi$inity :As !ar as he #nows% we)re still in North Carolina < :Bell% apparently Frank Do>ier #nows you)re in Illinois < I *a" my !inger into the ta"le !or emphasis :It $an)t "e some random $oin$iden$e he)s wor#ing at a diner in the town your !amily happened to move to three months ago < =ieran doesn)t say anything% and so I #eep pressing :Bhat should we doC (ell your dadC< :I don)t #now%< he murmurs
:Be)ll need to $ome up with some e&$use !or why we)re not at the Diner%< I say% piling on :My mom)s meeting us there li#e always I $an te&t her that we)re $oming to pi$# her up !rom somewhere else% "ut she)ll as# why we didn)t go to the Diner a!ter s$hool < =ieran shi!ts his attention "a$# to our nemesis on the $omputer s$reen% the man who until a !ew minutes ago was nothing more than some guy at the Diner who served us $heese !ries and drin#s !ive times a wee# =ieran $lasps my hand in "oth o! his and his *aw sets% eyes glowing i$e "lue with an intensity I)ve never seen "e!ore :I thin# we should go to the Diner anyway >retend today)s a normal day < My mouth drops open :.#ay?I thin# we *ust le!t normal in the rear@view mirror%< I point out% "ut =ieran s'ueeJes my hand% as i! trying to trans!er some o! his $on!iden$e to me :4e doesn)t #now that% though De has no reason to thin# we wouldn)t "e there today Be)ve spent the last si& wee#s pra$ti$ally ignoring this guy Now that you #now who he is% don)t you want to o"serve him a little% !igure out what his deal isC< :Not i! his deal is that he wants to hurt you%< I insist :Bell% !irst o! all% we have no idea i! he wants to hurt me Se$ond% what $an he do to me in a pu"li$ pla$eC (hin# a"out it?we)re pro"a"ly sa!er at the Diner right in !ront o! him than we are anypla$e else < =ieran has a point At the Diner% /ran# $ould do little to nothing to us without raising suspi$ions :.#ay%< I say% giving in :I guess I do #ind o! want to wat$h him a little "it now that we #now who he is +ut then we)ve got to $ome up with some #ind o! a plan !or what we should do% o#ayC< Nodding% =ieran stands up and I rise with him De ta#es a se$ond to lean down to the
mouse and $lose out o! our we" sear$h "e!ore we leave% Mrs +o$hine "arely loo#ing up !rom her $omputer as we pass "y the !ront des# .n$e we)re out in the par#ing lot% the s#y unleashes a downpour% !or$ing us to sprint to my $ar par#ed "y the !oot"all !ield% the two o! us shrie#ing and laughing the whole way in a mu$h@needed "rea# !rom the tension o! the li"rary As I start the $ar and turn on the wipers% =ieran smoothes strands o! wet hair "ehind my ears% the sensation o! his !ingertips graJing my s#in stirring the a$he in my stoma$h I $an)t help "ut thin# how any other $ouple at this s$hool with more than an hour o! unsupervised time on their hands would "e driving out to the +u$#ley plant right now% "ut here we are% heading straight into the path o! a $onvi$t I sha#e o!! whatever I)d mu$h rather "e doing to =ieran and !o$us on the mission at hand% whi$h is getting us to the Diner It ta#es mere minutes !or us to drive !rom s$hool to Hiver Avenue% the si&@"lo$# stret$h o! stores and $hur$hes that ma#e up downtown (itusville I pull into a par#ing spa$e to the le!t o! the Diner)s main entran$e and at this angle% all we $an see through the Diner)s plate glass window is the dull glare o! $louds and rain re!le$ted "a$# at us rather than getting a good view o! anyone inside A!ter I turn the $ar o!!% we get out and huddle together against the driJJle in the !ew steps we have to ta#e to rea$h the Diner% and on$e inside% we slide into our !amiliar "ooth near the door% /ran# DoJier immediately wal#ing up to the ta"le as he does every day :(he usualC< he grunts :Yeah%< is all =ieran gets out "e!ore /ran# turns and wal#s "a$# to the #it$hen to put in our order ."serving him here in the !lesh% although older and more shiny "ald than his newspaper photo% $on!irms what we already #now :It)s de!initely him%< =ieran mutters% voi$e low enough only I would hear him
As we have on every other day we)ve "een here together% we start pulling te&t"oo#s and note"oo#s !rom our respe$tive "a$#pa$#s% "ut I)m guessing neither o! us will get mu$h studying done Be "oth $on$entrate on the swinging dou"le doors leading "a$# to the #it$hen% not tal#ing to ea$h other or *o#ing around as we normally would (he se$ond /ran# reemerges to !ill our drin#s at the !ountain ne&t to the $ash register% we drop our eyes to our "oo#s as i! someone)s *ust shined a spotlight out !rom the #it$hen and we need to shi!t our gaJe or ris# going "lind I stare at some paragraph in my history te&t"oo#% the printed words "lurring together on the page and $reating a haJe o! "la$# and white nonsense "lending per!e$tly with noise !rom the soda !ountain% the whir and gurgle o! plasti$ $ups pressed against levers and drin#ing up li'uid /rom the $orner o! my eye% I $at$h a glimpse o! navy "lue tennis shoes approa$hing the ta"le% !ollowed "y the lower hal! o! a drin# $up ne&t to the edge o! my "oo# se$onds later I !old and un!old my hands in my lap% "ut !ind mysel! otherwise paralyJed% a!raid i! I twit$h too mu$h or ma#e a sudden motion% some #ind o! hell will rain down on =ieran and me :(han#s%< =ieran says !or "oth o! us% and I $an tell !rom his voi$e he)s loo#ing up at /ran# DoJier :No pro"lem < :Dey?got a minuteC< =ieran)s "reeJy% :Dude?what)s upC< tone prompts me to raise my head /ran#)s already turned "a$# toward the #it$hen% "ut he stops% twisting to the ta"le at =ieran)s 'uestion :Bhattaya needC< :BellIit)sIwe hang out here almost every day% and I !eel "ad we)ve never as#ed you your name "e!ore < I want to #i$# =ieran or shoot him the #ind o! teeth@gnashing% eyes !lashing .h@My@Aod@
Bhat@Are@You@Doing e&pression I)d usually reserve !or my mother when she)s going out o! her way to em"arrass me% "ut I)m a!raid I)ll give us away So I plaster a smile on my !a$e% stare up at /ran# DoJier% and pretend to "e interested in an answer I assume will "e a lie :Danny%< he rum"les% his voi$e a gru!! "aritone :Danny Du"row < =ieran smiles and% drawing upon some reserve o! $ool inside him mi&ed with his usual $harm% holds out his hand !or :Danny< to sha#e :Danny< wipes his palms on his apron "e!ore giving =ieran)s hand a polite pump :I)m =ieran% and this is my girl!riend% ;ip < Hather than hold out my hand% I "o" my head in a hello% trying to a$$ept that the !irst time in my li!e I get introdu$ed as someone)s girl!riend is to a $onvi$ted !elon who)s lying a"out his identity ,u$#y me :So% Danny%< =ieran $ontinues% $ompletely un!lappa"le :I understand we have something in $ommon < Hather than dive over the ta"le to $lamp my hand over =ieran)s mouth% whi$h is what I really want to do right now% I #eep my gaJe !o$used on our new !riend :Danny%< waiting !or any $hanges in his e&pression% any hints o! sho$# or surprise% any indi$ation his straight@line eyes might pop out !rom the !lesh surrounding them AndInothing Nothing "ut a !rown% a normal !a$ial e&pression !or someone who)s *ust heard a total stranger $laim they have something in $ommon Sin$e =ieran o"viously $an)t admit that they "oth have a $onne$tion to Morgan ,evert% I wonder what his ne&t move is going to "e in this game o! $hi$#en he)s playing :Heally%< /ran# says% tu$#ing his !ists into his long sleeves and !olding his arms a$ross his $hest :Be got somethin) in $ommon Bhat)s thatC<
Yes$ Kieran$ my eyes s$ream at him/ What would that be$ e1actl%* :Bell% we)re "oth #ind o! new in town%< =ieran $almly reveals :Dewayne mentioned you moved here not too long ago < :Yeah%< /ran# nods% giving no indi$ation he thought =ieran was going to say something else =ieran #eeps prodding :So% where are you !romC Dewayne didn)t say < DannyG/ran# loo#s down at his apron I! he were anyone else% I)d thin# he)s shy or may"e un$om!orta"le ma#ing small tal# with the $ustomers +eing who he is% however% his a$tions tell me he)s "uying time to $ome up with a good story :Around Chi$ago%< he says at last :,ost my *o" and my house% so I)m stayin) with some relatives Ktil I $an get "a$# on my !eet < I $on$entrate on the sound o! /ran#)s voi$e as he utters the longest string o! words he)s said in the wee#s he)s "een wor#ing here De)s de!initely not !rom (itusville% "e$ause he)s got some thi$# a$$ent I $an)t pla$e% although I)m pretty sure it)s not the !lat% #ind o! :I)ve got something stu$# in my nose%< a$$ent I)ve heard !rom some native Chi$agoans when I go to visit my dad :(imes are tough < =ieran tries to sympathiJe with /ran#)s !a#e drama% while I !inally wor# up the nerve to $ontri"ute to the $onversation :Bhere around Chi$ago are you !romC< I as# /ran#)s e&pression shi!ts *ust enough !or me to tell I)ve nailed him Dis eyes grow to what on anyone else would "e normal siJe% and he $lears his throat several times as i! he)s trying to stall so he $an thin# o! the name o! a neigh"orhood or a su"ur" In the lull% I roll my eyes toward =ieran% who maintains the pleasant e&pression he)s held sin$e we !irst started tal#ing to
/ran# :.h% ya #now?the $ity%< /ran# responds at last% pro"a"ly thin#ing he)s dodged a "ullet "e!ore I ta#e another shot at him :HeallyC Bhat partC My dad grew up in Chi$ago% so I #now a lot o! the neigh"orhoods%ar#% "ut I)m guessing /ran# DoJier)s never heard o! it :LmINorth side%< /ran# answers a!ter ta#ing a little too long to thin# :Near Brigley /ield < I almost want to $ongratulate him on the sa!e response% something anyone $ould)ve learned !rom wat$hing a !ew Chi$ago Cu"s games An evil impulse tempts me to push him !or a street name% "ut I hold "a$#% remem"ering what)s going on here isn)t playtime :I should $he$# on those !ries%< he tells us :Ni$e tal#in) to ya% though < :You% too%< =ieran $alls a!ter him as /ran# motors away toward the #it$hen As I stare at him% =ieran li!ts his $a!!eine@!ree soda to ta#e a drin#% swallows% and sets the $up "a$# down "e!ore he starts paging through his alge"ra "oo# as i! we)d *ust had a pleasant $onversation with a new a$'uaintan$e% whi$h on some level% I guess we #ind o! did :You any good at !a$toringC< he as#s me
Chapter 18
Sitting "a$# in the "ooth% I sha#e my head at him% my mouth open in amaJement :=ieran ,anier% you are so my hero right now I was totally a"out to pee mysel! and you were% li#e% ;en Master o! the Lniverse or something < :Not really I almost lost it a !ew times there And you were pretty smooth yoursel! < I lean !orward so I $an whisper to him :And our new !riend KDanny) isn)t !rom anywhere near Brigley /ield I! he tried to "lend in% he)d get run out o! the par# !or "eing a Mets or a Yan#ees !an as soon as he opened his mouth < :Bhi$h means what% e&a$tlyC< :It means %ou need to start wat$hing more sports < I roll my eyes :And it means Danny +oy)s de!initely !rom New Yor# < :=nowledge that doesn)t get us $loser to !inding out how what he)s doing here% does itC< =ieran)s !a$e !alls% and a horri"le thought o$$urs to me as I glan$e toward the #it$hen As i! I)ve willed it to happen% /ran# "a$#s through the door and wal#s over to our ta"le with a steaming plate o! $heese !ries he "arely sets down "e!ore he rushes "ehind the $ounter% apparently not in the mood to "e Mr /riendly anymore :Bhat i! we tipped him o!! that we #now who he isC< I whisper :Something in his !a$eIhe #nows I #now he was lying a"out "eing !rom Chi$ago < :Doesn)t ne$essarily mean he)ll thin# we #now who he is It *ust means we $an tell he doesn)t #now anything a"out Chi$ago I don)t #now mu$h a"out Chi$ago% either% o"viously% so that wouldn)t "e too unusual !or someone who wasn)t !rom around here < I)m a"out to open my mouth and say something that ends up lost to history% "e$ause /ran#GDanny reemerges !rom the #it$hen% sliding "ehind Dewayne at the $ash register "e!ore
heading to the !ar end o! the restaurant And in the instant he s$oots "ehind Dewayne% I thin# I $at$h him giving me A ,oo# /ran# shoots me what on his !a$e would "e $onsidered a glare% his eyes narrowing until they)re almost shut% his lips $urled up into the #ind o! sneer I)ve guys at s$hool get when they)re it$hing to !ight in the par#ing lot a!ter a !oot"all game (he ,oo# passes so 'ui$#ly my eyes $an)t "e sure they)ve seen what they)ve seen% "ut my heart "eating in my throat $on!irms I pro"a"ly have I swallow my heart "a$# down into my $hest and don)t tell =ieran% partially "e$ause I don)t want to s$are him with something I)m not one@hundred per$ent sure I)ve seen and partially "e$ause when I turn to him% I !ind he)s pushed the plate o! $heese !ries over ne&t to my soda and has his head down on his alge"ra "oo# De snooJes while I mun$h on !ries and drin# soda% staring out the plate glass at a $ouple window shopping in !ront o! my mom)s store +ehind the $ounter% Dewayne loses his !ooting slightly and drops a sta$# o! plasti$ $ups% their $latter against the tile near enough to us to wa#e =ieran up :Sorry% guys%< Dewayne apologiJes when he stands :No pro"lem%< =ieran says% *ust as /ran# passes the ta"le :Need some help there% "ossC< he o!!ers% stopping ne&t to =ieran% "ut Dewayne waves him o!! with a :Nah I got it%< and /ran# heads "a$# to the #it$hen without on$e again ma#ing eye $onta$t with me :.#ay?now that we #now he)s here% we need to !igure out what we)re going to do%< I say% #eeping my voi$e down :You thin# we should tell my not@parentsC< :You have any other ideasC< I as#% ignoring his insisten$e on no longer $laiming Fim and Carlie =ieran twists around to loo# at the #it$hen doors% whipping "a$# towards me when /ran#
steps out to !ill a soda $up .n$e /ran# is at the other end o! the restaurant again and out o! earshot% =ieran gives his responseE :No < :"o% whatC< I "lurt out% $on!used :"o% you don)t have any other ideas or no% we shouldn)t tell your parentsC =ieran sits "a$# in the "ooth against the $ra$#ed orange /ormi$a :(hey)ll *ust move us away somewhere I! we tell them% they won)t thin# (itusville)s sa!e anymore and we)ll run < De shi!ts his eyes !rom me to wat$h a $ar passing "y on Hiver Avenue :Be le!t New Yor# to start over a!ter my adoption Be le!t Asheville "e$ause they were a!raid Morgan had !igured out where we were I! my not@parents !ind out anything at all% I)m gone < :(hings are di!!erent this time%< I point out% my heart "ounding into my throat again when he says I(m gone :Now you)re aware o! everything +e!ore% you thought you were *ust moving to a new pla$e% and% I guess you were pro"a"ly too little to realiJe you were leaving New Yor#I< My voi$e !ades away as I !eel li#e I)m "a""ling% and =ieran sha#es his head :-&a$tly (hings are di!!erent this time (his time% I #now what)s up% and I)m not leaving I)m not going to spend the rest o! my li!e running when one o! these guys !igures out where I am My whole li!e is already nothing "ut !ear% ;ip +eing a!raid I might !all asleep at the wrong time +eing a!raid I might a$$identally hurt mysel! .ther people de$iding what)s "est !or me I)m si$# o! "eing s$ared% and I)m si$# o! my li!e "eing determined "y people who aren)t me I want to stay here and !inish high s$hool < De pauses% leaning in to ta#e my hand !rom the edge o! the history te&t"oo# so he $an la$e his !ingers together with mine :I want to stay here with you < /lattered as I am% !lattery will get him nowhere i! he ends up #idnapped and !or$ed into a li!e o! $rime or dragged o!! to a la" where mad do$tors will pro"e his "rain .r something even
worse :Don)t stay i! you thin# you)re going to get hurt%< I whisper :I don)t want you to < And there goes the grin that turns me inside out :You wouldn)t miss me a littleC< :I)d miss you a lot% "ut I)d rather miss you and #now that you)re out there somewhere and you)re o#ay +esides% I thought you told Fim and Carlie you were leaving a!ter the s$hool year was over < I smir# at him% #nowing he pro"a"ly wasn)t serious a"out the threat =ayla told me he made on our "irthday =ieran s'ueeJes my hand while shoveling in some $heese !ries :I was pretty pissed o!! when I said that% "ut don)t worry?you)re not going to get the $han$e to miss me I)m staying I)m staying !or you% and I)m staying !or me /or on$e in my li!e% I)m going to do what I want < :And what a"out our !riend KDanny)C< I as# :Bhat a"out Morgan ,evertC Bhat i! he already #nows you)re hereC< =ieran lets go o! me and wol!s down a !ew more !ries as he $onsiders my 'uestion :Danny +oy)s "een around !or si& wee#s and hasn)t done anything yet So i! he and Morgan are going to $ome get me !or some reason% then they $an go ahead and try I mean% what $an we really do until they ma#e a move% rightC It)s not li#e the $ops are going to arrest someone !or something they)re *ust thinking a"out doing < As mu$h as I don)t li#e what he)s saying% I realiJe waiting is all we $an do Fust li#e any good +oogey Man% Morgan ,evert is still #ind o! an imaginary $reature and will stay that way until he de$ides% i, he de$ides% to show up In the meantime% =ieran and I $an ma#e sure he)s never alone and we)ll #eep an eye on the other +oogey Man we had no idea we were supposed to "e a!raid o! +ut DannyG/ran# ma#es sure we $an)t #eep an eye on him Bhen we arrive at the Diner right a!ter s$hool the ne&t day and assume our pla$es in our !avorite "ooth% Dewayne $omes over
to wait on us rather than /ran# DoJier :Bhat $an I get you guysC< he says% pulling a pen$il !rom "ehind his ear and !reeing a graying strand o! dar# hair !rom his ponytail as he does :Bhere)s DannyC< =ieran as#s :Didn)t show De was supposed to "e here !irst thing this morning to help me open% and I never heard a word Called the num"er he put on his appli$ation?out o! servi$e < :Beird%< I say to Dewayne% "ut my eyes are !i&ed on =ieran Dis *aw $len$hes% and I $an tell he)s trying hard not to show too mu$h emotion over the disappearan$e o! the waiter we "arely #new :Yeah I even $alled out to the Du"rows) to $he$# on him% you #now% thin#ing may"e something was wrong%< Dewayne $ontinues% sha#ing his head :.ld Man Du"row told me they ain)t seen hide nor hair o! Danny in years < I)m surprised to learn a real Danny Du"row e&ists?I guess /ran# DoJier did his homewor# and assumed a legitimate identity instead o! ma#ing one up :I never #new the Du"rows that well%< I say% trying to #eep my voi$e level and ma#e normal small tal# :All the #ids were a lot older than me% I thin# < :Seems I remem"er a Danny Du"row !rom around your mom)s time < Dewayne nods :May"e a !ew years a!ter (hought that when I !irst hired him% "ut so many #ids $ome in and out o! here% gets hard to #eep Kem all straight a!ter all these years Anyway% whoever he is% he)s gone now S$rewed me pretty good% too I)m doing everything around here today "ut $oo#ing and dishes K$ause none o! my other guys were a"le to $ome in on su$h short noti$e < I glan$e over at =ieran on$e more% and he)s ru""ing his lips together% trying not to let his e&pression give anything away :So% what $an I get youC< Dewayne as#s again% "e$ause he doesn)t have our order
memoriJed I as# !or my usual diet soda and $heese !ries% while =ieran s'uea#s out a re'uest !or a regular soda .n$e Dewayne wal#s away% =ieran e&hales as i! he)s "een holding his "reath !or the last !ew minutes :I guess we tipped /ran# o!! li#e you thought%< he says% and !or the !irst time in my li!e% I wish I hadn)t "een right a"out something :Yeah Now whatC< =ieran $rosses his arms over his $hest% shoulders hit$hing towards his ears :May"e he)s gone May"e he !igured we)d tell some"ody he was here and he got out while he still $ould < :May"e < Staring out the window at the se$ond gray day in a row% I get a glimpse o! my mother moving around inside her store% "ut at this distan$e% she)s only a sort o! "lurry% $olor!ul miniature I wish I $ould tell her everything% as# her !or advi$e% listen to her rattle o!! a !ew 'uips a"out my predi$ament that would ma#e it seem less "iJarre than it is% "ut I $an)t I promised the ,aniers the night o! my "irthday% a!ter =ieran slipped the $harm "ra$elet on my wrist% that I wouldn)t get anyone else involved% not even my !amily% sin$e we weren)t sure what #ind o! threat we might "e dealing with !rom =ieran)s "irth !ather It)s hurt% $arrying this se$ret around with me% "ut then Mom goes into some meltdown over how we should do my hair and ma#eup !or >rom% and she ma#es me !orget !or a while +ut right now% nothing $ould !or$e either =ieran or me !orget a"out /ran# DoJier :So you thin# he might "e hiding out here somewhereC< =ieran as#s I wra$# my "rain% trying to $ome up with a pla$e /ran# might "e i! he)s still in the area :Dard to say I mean% there)s a $ouple o! a"andoned houses out "y the +u$#ley plant% "ut I thin# the $ounty $ops $he$# them a lot to #eep the twea#ers out So he)s $amping somewhere% or he $ould)ve made !riends with some meth heads and he)s sha$#ing up with them <
:.r he)s really gone%< =ieran says as he rela&es his shoulders% his voi$e !ull o! hope and dou"t all at the same time :I guess we should #eep our guard up !or a while until we)re sure%< I note% no idea what would $ount as "eing :sure%< mu$h less any idea as to what $ounts as :#eeping our guard up < ,oo#ing out the plate glass window on$e more% I $at$h another glimpse o! my mother?$learer this time% sin$e she)s wor#ing on a display in the store)s !ront window I study her as she arranges a lavender and a'ua tie@dyed s$ar! around the ne$# o! a "lan#@!a$ed "ald manne'uin wearing a mat$hing a'ua sundress Mom wouldn)t "e a"le to see me "e$ause I)m too !ar away and at this angle% my !a$e would "e hal! hidden "y the edge o! the window and the diner wall +ut !or some reason% *ust wat$hing her% *ust #nowing she)s near"y% ma#es me !eel "etter :I heard a"out this sleeping thing he has =id gets it a lot% don)t heC< I)m pulled out o! my thoughts "y Dewayne% who pla$es my drin# in !ront o! me and sets =ieran)s soda $loser to the edge o! the ta"le% as =ieran)s gone !a$e down on the !a#e wood plasti$ ta"le top% his arms !olded underneath his !orehead li#e a pillow :Yeah De does < I smile% and Dewayne heads "a$# to the #it$hen as I rea$h out to run a hand through =ieran)s hair% wondering i! he might "e dreaming right now a"out how this is all going to end
Chapter 19
:(hat)s it (hat)s the dress < :.h% than# Aod rom dress that stri#es the right "alan$e "etween gorgeous and se&y while also giving some shape to my sort o! !lat@$hested "ut lean athlete)s "ody?not an easy tas# "y a long shot =ayla% o! $ourse% !ound the per!e$t dress only a hal!@hour a!ter we showed up at the mall "e$ause she has a real eye !or what loo#s good on her% whi$h is e+er%thing sin$e she)s "uilt li#e she *ust wal#ed out o! a lingerie $atalog I! =ayla weren)t here steering me toward out!its su$h as the #nee@length% emerald halter dress I)m wearing right now% I)d pro"a"ly end up "lowing yet another hour o! my li!e on shopping "e!ore giving up and going to >rom in *eans and one o! my mom)s old >earl Fam tour t@shirts :(his is your >rom dress we)re tal#ing a"out here%< =ayla $ontinues :You)ll "e in this thing !or hours% so you)d "etter "e in love with it < I run my hand down the !ront o! the dress and turn so I $an view mysel! in pro!ile :It)s $om!orta"le%< I start% whi$h produ$es an immediate snort !rom =ayla :Com,ortableC Bho gives a rat)s ass i! it)s $om!orta"leC Do you li#e the way you loo#C< I !a$e mysel! head@on in the mirror on$e again% amaJed at how the gathers o! material? =ayla $alled it :ru$hing< earlier% whi$h I)d never heard o! "e!ore?a$tually $reate the illusion that I)m a girl with a tiny waist and something appro&imating a "utt% all without plasti$ surgery :Yeah%< I admit% allowing mysel! a little smile at my re!le$tion :I thin# I li#e it < :Aood% "e$ause you loo# amaJing < =ayla rea$hes over and slides the ponytail holder !rom my hair% standing "ehind me so she $an !lu!! my thi$# "londe mop out around my
shoulders :Dere%< she "egins% drawing strands !rom either side and $at$hing them at the "a$# o! my head with the elasti$ :You should wear your hair li#e this% down "ut swept up at the sides% do some $urls?< :YeahC< :Lh huh =ieran)ll pass out when he sees you% you)ll "e so hot < :You thin#C< :.! $ourse%< she says% smir#ing :De)ll literall% pass out .ne loo# at you and he)ll !all asleep < I $over my mouth so I don)t laugh too mu$h out loud here in the dressing room% and =ayla *oins me :(hat was "ad%< I say% on$e my giggles su"side a little :,aughing a"out his $ondition doesn)t seem li#e a very Ksupportive girl!riend) thing to do < :Sometimes you need to laugh a"out the whole thing (rust me?it helps < I don)t have a good response% so I re!o$us my attention on twisting my "ody around in !ront o! the mirror% trying to stare at the dress !rom every possi"le angle "e!ore ma#ing any de$isions :;ip% "uy the thing already%< =ayla goads me :It)s the per!e$t dress !or your "uild and $oloring% and it mat$hes your eyes?really ma#es them pop You)re going to "e the hottest girl at >rom < :,et)s not "e delusional%< I say% glaring at her :+ut% yeah?I thin# this dress is the one < :.#ay You get $hanged and $he$# out% and I)ll meet you over in shoes < Shoes I guess I need shoes to go with this thing Bill the shopping hell never endC /i!teen minutes later% my dress in a long plasti$ garment "ag slung over my shoulder% I !ind =ayla in the shoe department She)s holding up a single "la$# strappy heel and a mat$hing purse so tiny I)m guessing only my phone% $ar #eys% and driver)s li$ense would !it inside :I)ve
already got a guy in "a$# sear$hing !or these shoes You said you were a siJe eight% rightC< :Yup And than# you% . Master% !or tea$hing me your ways < I ma#e an e&aggerated "ow in !ront o! her a!ter resting the garment "ag over the "a$# o! a $hair :No "ig deal%< she says% rolling her eyes :You)re a !ast learner?you)ll "e shopping on your own li#e a grown@up in no time < A $ollege@aged guy interrupts us% and the shoe "o& he)s $arrying $ontains a pair o! siJe eights that !it me per!e$tly I toddle around the seating area !or a !ew minutes% happy I don)t have to wear heels and dresses every day I get dressed up may"e one or two times a year% and usually someone)s either dead or getting married when I do A!ter I pay !or the shoes and the purse% =ayla and I $arry my treasures to her Feep /eeling around !or the hoo# a"ove the window so I $an hang up my dress% I glan$e down and $at$h sight o! a green !ile !older in the !loor"oard stu!!ed so !ull with papers they)re $oming out the sides and e&perien$e a moment o! pani$ :Be don)t have a "ig pro*e$t due in some $lass I)m !orgetting a"out% do weC< I as# :BhatC< she yells !rom the "a$# o! the Feep% where she)s pla$ing the "ag $ontaining my shoes in the storage spa$e "ehind the seats :(his !older in the !loor"oard ,oo#s li#e you)re doing resear$h !or something < =ayla shuts the "a$# hat$h and wal#s over to my side o! the $ar She stares down at the !older% her eyes narrowing as i! she)s thin#ing% trying to remind hersel! what it is :It)sIit)s something I)ve #ind o! "een wor#ing on !or a while%< she tells me% glan$ing around :You o#ayC< (he way she)s whipping her head a"out the par#ing lot ma#es me wonder !or a se$ond i! =ieran didn)t tell her a"out /ran# DoJier Be promised not to say anything to anyone% and while
I haven)t mentioned anything% =ieran trusts =ayla .r at least he used to?a!ter his "irthday% may"e he)s not telling her as mu$h anymore :I)m good%< =ayla assures me% re!o$using her gaJe on the !older in the !loor"oard :LmIdo you need to "e home right awayC< I pull my phone !rom my *eans po$#et% and the home s$reen tells me it)s *ust a!ter three% hours "e!ore =ieran)s supposed to $ome over and wat$h movies tonight :Nope%< I respond% and she nods towards a $o!!ee shop named Co!!ee (ime in the strip mall at the other end o! the main mall)s par#ing lot :Bant to hang out !or a whileC< she as#s :Drin#s are on me < :In that $ase% lead the way < I laugh as she rea$hes down past me to gra" the !older !rom the !loor"oard% $lut$hing the papers to her $hest while she lo$#s the $ar with the push "utton on her #ey$hain Be don)t say anything until we)re almost at the $o!!ee shop and =ayla "rea#s the silen$e :It)ll !eel so good to tell someone else a"out this%< she "reathes% holding open the door to Co!!ee (ime so I $an wal# in ahead o! her I stroll up to the $ounter and pretend to survey the menu near the $eiling !or something I want% "ut I)m more !o$used on what)s in the green !older and what =ayla)s going to tell me a"out it Dow many more se$rets are the ,aniers $arrying aroundC Not a !an o! $o!!ee drin#s other than !irst thing in the morning% I gra" a "ottled rasp"erry smoothie !rom the drin# $ooler ne&t to the $ounter% while =ayla orders a $innamon lattO topped with whipped $ream A!ter the girl "ehind the $ounter ma#es the lattO and =ayla pays !or our drin#s% we ease into a "ooth o! =ayla)s $hoi$e in the !ar "a$# $orner o! Co!!ee (ime% this whole deal seeming more and more li#e some #ind o! international spy game "y the minute :.#ay% what)s upC< I $ome out and as# as soon as my "utt hits the vinyl seat :You)re
!rea#ing me out here < :I don)t mean to%< she says% resting an el"ow on the green !older as i! she)s trying to prote$t it :I)m pro"a"ly *ust $raJy paranoid < :A"out whatC< =ayla ta#es a deep "reath "e!ore laun$hing into her story :Bell% a !ew years ago% Mom did this home s$hool environmental "iology unit with us% and we were reading stu!! a"out $ompanies polluting drin#ing water and $an$er rates spi#ing in pla$es I guess I started thin#ingIAod% you)re totally going to thin# I)ve gone outer limits romise < :Bell% I)d #nown the truth a"out =ieran !or a while at this point% and I thought% why would Morgan ,evert want to tra$# =ieran down when he)d "arely "een a part o! his li!e in the !irst pla$eC I mean% he and Fenna +radley didn)t give a $rap a"out him "e!ore everything went down% or they would)ve $leaned themselves up and tried to ma#e a "etter li!e !or him < :Could "e li#e your dad said%< I o!!er :May"e Morgan thin#s i! he $an get his hands on =ieran% he $an ma#e him $ommit $rimes with him or something You #now?$ontrol him li#e he $ould sort o! $ontrol Fenna and /ran# DoJier < :.r may"e he wants to $ontrol all o! us < =ayla pushes the !older toward me% whi$h I ta#e as a signal to open it I do so% slowly% as i! I)m a!raid $reatures will $ome !lying out at me li#e >andora)s +o& +ut all I !ind is arti$le a!ter arti$le on terrorist plots to poison L S water supplies and a "un$h o! arti$les a"out $ults?some on a group named the >eople)s (emple% and a !ew more a"out some Marshall Applewhite guy and something $alled Deaven)s Aate :So you thin# Morgan ,evert wants to poison water systems with this stu!!C< I as#% $are!ul to #eep any note o! dou"t out o! my voi$e
:No $lue +ut thin# a"out it% though?he #nows what the drug did to =ieran% and he #nows what he was a"le to get Fenna +radley and /ran# DoJier to do when they were messed up Dad said he wanted to pull o!! something "igger than ro""ing a li'uor store May"e this is it < I tap my !ingers on the smoothie "ottle% trying to straighten out my thoughts :You thin# I need to "e $ommitted%< she says% shi!ting her eyes to my !ingertips on the glass :No Fust trying to get my head around everything You thin# Morgan)s "een sitting around in prison all these years plotting ways to turn people into living Jom"iesC< :Bell% I $an)t see inside his head% o"viously% "ut I wouldn)t rule anything out -ven i! he)s not planning something himsel!% he)s "een lo$#ed up !or years with people who might "e willing to pay a lot o! money !or a su"stan$e that "asi$ally allows you to $ontrol people and might help some people get glimpses o! the !uture .r these people would #now someone who would pay !or something li#e that I mean% Morgan)s a guy who)s never had a real *o" and spent his twenties and thirties in prison Lnless he pi$#ed up some amaJing li!e s#ills while he was "ehind "ars% he)ll pro"a"ly "e interested in an easy way to s$ore some $ash < I swallow some more smoothie% "ut the mi&ture "e$omes sludge in my throat and I need to $ough a little to help it go down :(hin# a"out what someone $ould do with this stu!!%< =ayla $ontinues% thum"ing through the arti$les and pulling out ones on Deaven)s Aate and the >eople)s (emple I only s#im the readings% "ut I get the general idea?the leaders o! these two :$hur$hes< $ould tal# their !ollowers into doing anything% in$luding $ommitting sui$ide :(his Fim Fones guyC< =ayla says% pointing at one o! the >eople)s (emple arti$les :>eople !irst started !ollowing him "e$ause they thought he was a !aith healer and had visions Imagine how easy it would "e !or someone to $onvin$e you to !ollow him i! he were actuall% having !lashes o! things that happen in the !uture
And then he $ould *ust start dosing you to get you to do whatever he wantedC I mean% i! this stu!! !ell into the wrong hands?some $raJy person or someone "ad in the government or something ?that)s some ma*or s$ariness% ;ip < :Yeah% "ut no"ody reall% understands what this stu!! $an do%< I point out% thin#ing "a$# over years o! s$ien$e $lasses and la" e&periments :Morgan was a"le to o"serve how it wor#ed in two people "esides himsel! =ieran)s the only person who)s "een e&posed to it in the wom" and has the sleeping issues (hat)s only !our people total% and their symptoms aren)t even $onsistent < =ayla stares down at the ta"le% $urving her hand around her $up% and I)m guessing she)s not thrilled a"out my trying to "low a hole in her $onspira$y theories So I do my "est to travel a middle ground :I)m not saying you)re wrong a"out any o! this% "ut all we #now is what one $onvi$ted !elon told your Dad%< I tell her :No"ody)s done a study or tests to !ind out what happens when you repli$ate e&posure among a wider group o! people I mean% $ould "e this stu!! has a"solutely no e!!e$t on some people% and then what good would it do to ma#e a "un$h o! people drin# itC< :Bhen was the last time you saw an evil s$ientist in a movie doing a $lini$al drug trialC< =ayla $ounters :Morgan% or whoever he might "e wor#ing with% pro"a"ly isn)t going to $are what this stu!! does to some people "ut might not do to others I thin# when you)re loo#ing to $ause a whole lot o! mayhem% you *ust #ind o! *ump in and $ause it and wat$h what happens (his stu!! ob+iousl% does something to some people?we #now that mu$h% and so does Morgan ,evert < Now =ayla)s got me paranoid% and I start loo#ing around the $o!!ee shop in the same way she was $he$#ing out the par#ing lot earlier No one else is here% save !or the employees and a
young $ouple at the $ounter "uying !rappa$inos !or their #ids /eeling dum"% I stare at my smoothie "ottle and start pi$#ing at the white la"el right "elow an orange sun"urst logo% "oth the sun itsel! and the rays e&tending !rom the sphere li#e o$topus tenta$les outlined in "la$# It ta#es me a minute to realiJe I)ve seen the sym"ol "e!ore% "ut when I do% I set the "ottle down and push it away !rom me as i! I)ve "een drin#ing !rom a vial o! poison :Something wrong with your smoothieC< =ayla as#s I pla$e my !ingers on the edge o! the ta"le% not sure how to pro$eed with what I want to say% almost laughing inside at the strange role@reversal =ayla and I are undergoing?now I)m the one who)s hoping she(ll "elieve me :=ayla% what i! I told you I)m having dreamsC< I as# :Bell% every"ody does%< she "reathes through a slight laugh :I #now +ut I)m not one o! those people who remem"ers a lot o! my dreams .n the morning o! my "irthday% though% I wo#e up and remem"ered this really vivid dream a"out =ieran?< =ayla presses her palms to her eyes and $uts me o!! :.h% my Aod No details I almost $an)t "elieve someone)s dating my stupid "rother in the !irst pla$e% so I don)t want to hear any disgusting !antasies you)re having a"out him% o#ayC< A!ter she drops her hands% I wad up a nap#in and Jing it at her% the paper stri#ing her nose and !alling into her lap :Not that #ind o! dream% you "ig perv I saw him standing in this $learing in the woods% loo#ing out at some mountains% and he was up high% li#e on another mountain or a hill or something I thought it might "e somewhere in North Carolina% "e$ause it seemed li#e des$riptions I)d read in his dream *ournals and things you guys have said < :.#ay%< she prompts% sensing I)m not !inished :I)ve read how sometimes stu!! in your wa#ing li!e in!luen$es what you dream% so I
thought I was dreaming a"out North Carolina or wherever "e$ause =ieran had shown me his *ournals% you #nowC +ut then I started having these dreams a"out >rom%< I $ontinue% using the plural "e$ause I)ve had !our o! them now% all o! whi$h I)ve meti$ulously re$orded on my $omputer :=ieran and I are dan$ing% and I)m loo#ing out at everyone else having a good time (hen everything goes dar#% li#e I)m wat$hing (N or something and the power $uts out < =ayla leans !orward% !olding her arms a$ross the arti$les we)ve spread out "etween us :I get what)s happening I did this% too% when I !irst !ound out a"out =ieran%< she tells me% voi$e $om!orting :You start thin#ing you)re having dreams li#e he is% even though you #now it)s not possi"le You thin# every dream means something < I)m moving my head "a$# and !orth almost "e!ore the last senten$e is out o! her mouth :(his logoC< I say% gra""ing the smoothie "ottle and turning it around so she $an see the sun"urst :I dreamed a"out it three wee#s ago < =ayla)s eyes shi!t toward the sun"urst and "a$# to me :You)re sureC< :,i#e I said% !or three wee#s% I)ve "een remem"ering everything I dream a"out li#e I never have "e!ore I wrote everything out on my laptop < =ayla s'uints as i! she)s thin#ing something through :No?wait a minute%< she says% eyes "lin#ing "a$# to their normal state :(his is all $oin$iden$e I mean% =ieran)s not contagious Bhat you thin# is happening to you doesn)t ma#e any sense < I e&hale% ready to lay my last surprise on her :/ran# DoJier)s in (itusville%< I say% shutting my eyes :WhatC< =ayla shrie#s so loudly that when I open my eyes and turn around% I see the young $ouple !rom the $ounter loo#ing "a$# at us !rom their ta"le *ust inside the !ront door I)m guessing that to them% we seem li#e two teenage girls gossiping and nothing more
:At least he was in (itusville%< I tell her :=ieran and I thin# we might)ve s$ared him o!! < :=ieran)s seen him% tooC< :Yeah De was wor#ing at the Downtown Diner +ig guy waiting ta"les I)m not sure when he started wor#ing% "ut =ieran and I always sat in the same "ooth% so he would wait on us every day < :I)ve "een to the Diner a !ew times with +rad on wee#ends% "ut I)m not sure I saw him%< =ayla says% $o$#ing her head as she tries to remem"er :I never paid mu$h attention to who was waiting on us < :You #now what /ran# DoJier loo#s li#eC< I as# :Sort o! I !ound pi$tures o! Morgan and /ran# on the we" years ago% "ut I don)t thin# I)d re$ogniJe either o! them right away now < :Bell% =ieran and I loo#ed them up% too% on$e your parents told us everything%retty mu$h the se$ond we saw /ran#)s pi$ture% we #new who he was So we went to the Diner and tried to get him to tal# a little "it a"out his "a$#ground% you #now% *ust to !ind out what he)d say% and < :And you tipped him o!! with all the 'uestions < =ayla sighs as she !inishes my thought !or me :Be thin# so Be went "a$# the ne&t day and he was gone Dewayne said he didn)t leave a tra$e So we)ve got no $lue whether he really le!t or i! he)s hiding out somewhere =ieran didn)t want to tell your parents anything "e$ause he)s a!raid they)ll ma#e you move again < :De)s right (hey)d pa$# us up in a se$ond i! they !ound out < =ayla glan$es up at the $eiling !or a moment as i! the solution to our predi$ament lies somewhere in the white tiles :I
don)t #now what the point would "e in leaving now% though My parents lied to people around Asheville a"out where we were going when we le!t% so my aunt)s the only person in North Carolina who #nows we)re here +ut /ran# DoJier was o"viously a"le to tra$# us down somehow Bhat would stop him or Morgan ,evert !rom !iguring out where we)ve gone i! we run againC I! they $an !ind us on$e% they $an !ind us twi$e < I wat$h as =ayla drains the last o! her lattO% her e&pression mildly pani$#ed when she puts down the $up as i! she)s *ust thought o! something :So you thin# your dreams and /ran# DoJier "eing in (itusville are $onne$tedC< she "reathes :I don)t #now% "ut your poisoning theory ma#es more sense to me now /ran# DoJier waited on us e+er% da%% =ayla -very day% I sat there and dran#% li#e% two or three diet sodas Sometimes we)d get re!ills to go% too < I shut my eyes in order to $on$entrate and do the math out loud :A"out !our sodas a day every wee#day !or si& wee#s% soI!our times !ive is twenty% times si& isIone@hundred and twenty times he $ould)ve slipped me something < Slumping "a$# against the "ooth% I !eel my "ody de!late li#e a "ea$h "all losing air as reality sets in :.h% my Aod%< I whimper :Bhat i! /ran# and Morgan are using me as some #ind o! human guinea pig to see how this stu!! wor#sC< :.#ay% o#ay Bait a minute%< =ayla says% her voi$e $ompletely $alm :Don)t pani$ ,et)s "e $ool a"out this and thin# everything through < I "reathe% mouth !ully open% lungs gasping !or air +o""ing my head up and down% I)m grate!ul =ayla)s here to tal# me down :Anything else happening "esides the dreamsC< she as#s :Anything weird with your sleeping patternsC .r have you "een really tired latelyC< :No < =ayla)s 'uestions ma#e me !eel li#e I)m having the most "iJarre do$tor)s visit in history%
although anyone listening in with no $onte&t !or what we)re tal#ing a"out might wonder i! we)re spe$ulating on some everyday illness or a rea$tion to a new medi$ation I)m ta#ing :+la$#outsC< she as#s :No < =ayla)s nose s$run$hes up as she thin#s :You)re sureC =ieran des$ri"es his "la$#out moments as "eing li#e he)s wat$hing a movie with the s$enes messed up .ne se$ond he)s somewhere and the ne&t he)s somewhere else% "ut with no logi$al movement !rom >oint A to >oint + < :Nothing li#e that)s happened to me < Yet% I end the senten$e inside my head Nothing li#e the wal#ing "la$#outs or sleeping at strange times has hit me so !ar% "ut who)s to say something won)t start laterC Bho #nows how this stu!! wor#s in my "ody% in anyone)s "ody% reallyC Bhat)s going to happen to meC ,eaning !orward% I lower my head% the $hill o! the !a#e mar"le ta"le top against my $hee# tempering a "it o! the !ire I !eel spreading throughout my "ody I)m nauseous% "ut running to the "athroom and throwing up won)t do anything "ut "ring up my smoothie and some "its o! the tur#ey sandwi$h I ate "e!ore =ayla pi$#ed me up to go shopping Bhat I really want to !or$e out o! me won)t leave It)s pro"a"ly surging through my "loodstream right now% $hanging me !orever :;ipC You o#ayC< =ayla whispers :No So not o#ay < I li!t my head enough to rest my $hin on the !au& mar"le As i! she)s trying to sympathiJe with me% =ayla leans down and mirrors my posture% the two o! us headless "odies on either side
o! the ta"le Anyone wat$hing us would thin# we)re insane :So nothing)s out o! the ordinary "esides the dreamsC< she as#s :No < :(hen this $ould "e $oin$iden$e%< =ayla pronoun$es% sitting up :Be don)t have any proo! /ran# DoJier was slipping Foy Fui$e into your sodas De may not even "e a"le to ma#e the stu!! And your dreamsIthat $ould "e =ieran)s in!luen$e < :Bhat a"out the >rom dreamC< I as# :You)re pro"a"ly *ust nervous a"out going%< she points out :Your "rain)s trying to $onvin$e you something "ad)s going to happen < :.#ay%< I say% willing to !ollow her line o! argument?to a point :Bhat a"out the sun"ursts% thoughC< :=ieran doodles stupid $rap li#e that almost every day That(s where you)ve seen them "e!ore < I gra" the "ottle again and tilt it toward =ayla :+ut they)re never li#e this when =ieran draws them% and I dreamed them e&a$tly li#e the one here?orange with a "la$# outline < =ayla ta#es the "ottle !rom me and studies the sym"ol :(his is the Malsun /oods logo% ;ip < She sighs so hard% I)m surprised she doesn)t add You dumbass on the end o! her statement ,eaning a$ross the ta"le% =ayla e&tends the "ottle toward me% her thum"nail "elow some tiny orange print ne&t to the sun"urst% and I rea$h out and pull the glass $ylinder $lose to my !a$e so I $an read the words Malsun Foods :You pro"a"ly see this everywhere and don)t realiJe you do%< =ayla $ontinues :(hey ma#e% li#e% everything?NutraSmoothie% NutraBater% NutraNut +ars% Cinnamon >u!!y .s% 0hock? SodasI<
(hat e&plains it?I eat NutraNut +ars in the morning sometimes% and my mom always ma#es sure we have a "o& o! Cinnamon >u!!y .s in the house And "oth Mom and I have "een #nown to $hug a Diet 0hock? Soda or two in the mornings when we)re out o! $o!!ee% than#s to the !a$t 0hock? has twi$e the $a!!eine o! other sodas :/ran# DoJier didn)t drug you%< =ayla insists :You)re dreaming o! things you)ve already seen or that you)re an&ious a"out And however /ran# DoJier !igured out we)re here% hope!ully you and =ieran spoo#ed him enough that he)s gone < :Bhat i! he)s notC< I whisper% as i! I)m a!raid /ran# DoJier $an hear us =ayla swirls the last !ew droplets o! lattO around in the "ottom o! her $up :(hen we #eep our eyes open and live our lives until he de$ides to show up again And we)re going to go to >rom and dan$e li#e no"ody)s wat$hing <
Chapter 20
+e!ore I met =ieran ,anier% I didn)t $are whether or not I ever went to a s$hool dan$e% mu$h less >rom +ut sin$e the night o! our mutual "irthday% the only thing I)ve wanted as mu$h as wal#ing into the (itusville gym hand in hand with him on >rom night is a State Championship Bith the State Championship out o! the 'uestion until ne&t year% I should "e !o$using all my energies on >rom And I am I)m !o$using on the !a$t that now% I don)t want to go at all /or the last two wee#s% I)ve "een a "undle o! nervous energy% "ut not !or the reasons most people would suspe$t -very time someone $omes up "ehind me at s$hool% whether that someone is =ieran or some"ody else% I *ump out o! my s#in% thin#ing /ran# DoJier)s $ome "a$# or Morgan ,evert)s !inally shown up In the meantime% I)ve had two more dreams% "oth repeating the !amiliar pattern?I)m dan$ing with =ieran% I)m wat$hing everyone around us in the gym% and then the $urtain o! dar#ness $omes down Bhenever =ayla and I get a se$ond alone% she assures me I)m *ust nervous a"out the dan$e and we don)t #now whether or not >rom night will end in some sort o! lights@out horror li#e something out o! a disaster movie I tell mysel! she)s right% "ut I $an)t help wanting to end the torture and *ust s#ip >rom% lo$#ing mysel! in my house until /ran# and Morgan are no longer a threat?whenever that will "e +ut I)ve got the dress% I)ve got the shoes% I)ve got the purse% and I)ve got a "oy!riend who% in spite o! whatever danger might "e lur#ing% is so e&$ited to ta#e me to what is% !or "oth o! us% our !irst dan$e% that I $an)t "ear to let him down So I su$# it up and start getting ready at a"out !our o) $lo$# on Saturday% May eighth% instead o! $alling =ieran and lying a"out having a raging $ase o! menstrual $ramps I sit at the dressing ta"le in Mom)s room engaging in some !inal primping% the giant #not
in my stoma$h dragging my shoulders !orward and down -&haling a $hoppy "reath through per!e$tly lined and glossed lips% I !or$e mysel! to sit up straight% !lu!!ing the $urls lying against my $ollar"one /idgeting gives me something to do while Mom sear$hes the *ewelry "o& on her night stand !or the earrings she)s sure will "e the per!e$t $omplement to my ensem"le :Aot Kem%< she announ$es% wal#ing over to me with a pair o! "la$# "eaded things that loo# li#e tiny $handeliers :,a$y Donaldson made these !or the store and gave me a !ree pair Alad some"ody)s !inally going to have a $han$e to wear?< She stops short% and I)m a!raid she)s a"out to get all "lu""ery again% *ust as she did when she was doing my hair% *ust as she did a!ter I put on my dress and she saw me in it !or the !irst time I ready mysel! !or another round o! :+oo hoo?my "a"y)s all grown up%< "ut she surprises me instead with :Bhat)s wrongC< :Bhat)s wrongC< I e$ho :Yeah You haven)t loo#ed this terri!ied sin$e that time you got lost in the Murray /arms $orn maJe when you were seven < I "rush her o!! with a wave o! my hand% "ut something inside me pushes things a step !urther% and the words are out o! my mouth "e!ore I $an stop them :I)ve got a really "ad !eeling a"out tonight%< I tell her Mom leans down so she $an stare at "oth o! us re!le$ted in the round mirror !raming the dressing ta"le :I #new I shouldn)t have let you wat$h Carrie so many times%< she says% sha#ing her head Der *o#e $alms me a little% as I guessed whatever she)d say pro"a"ly would :I)m not tal#ing "u$#et@o!@pig)s@"lood@on@your@head "ad !eeling%rom Pueen% so a whole Carrie s$ene wouldn)t happen anyway It)s *ust thatI<
My voi$e evaporates "e$ause I don)t #now how I)d e&plain what)s really going on even i! I $ould :Bell% this is my !irst real dan$e% you #nowC< I lie without really lying% "e$ause I)d "e nervous a"out tonight even without all the $onvi$ted !elon drama hanging over my head? whether or not I loo# o#ay% whether or not I $an !a#e my way through #nowing how to dan$eI :I)m not used to getting all dressed up li#e this I !eel #ind o! weird < :You loo# anything but weird You)re "eauti!ul < :.#ay% "ut what i! I !all% thoughC< I as#% determined to s#et$h out some doomsday s$enario !or my mom% even i! it)s not the one I wish I $ould share :I $an "arely wal# in these stupid shoes I)m pro"a"ly going to "rea# my an#le and I)ll have to spend the whole summer reha""ing instead o! training !or ne&t season < :You)re not going to "rea# your an#le%< Mom says% her voi$e somewhere "etween $om!orting and $ondes$ending :You !all% you get "a$# up .r you let =ieran help you get "a$# up (rust me% on$e he sees you in this dress% that "oy)s going to do whatever you want < I $o$# an eye"row a!ter her last statement% and she 'ui$#ly adds% :Bhatever you want% o! $ourse% that doesn)t involve drugs% "ooJe% or any #ind o! "ehavior that might ma#e me grandmother at !orty < :(hat)s what I thought < Mom stands "a$# !rom the dressing ta"le :Bell% put the earrings on and let)s see how it all loo#s% shall weC< she $ommands I slide the hoo#s at the "a$#s o! the $handeliers through my lo"es% the tiny "eads rustling as they swing against my hair% and I stand up% pla$ing my hands on my hips to stri#e a supermodel pose !or Mom)s "ene!it :.h% my Aod%< she whispers% !olding her hands over her $hest as she starts to tear up :Yeah% yeah% yeah Your little "a"y)s all grown up Aot it <
:Stop ma#ing !un o! me I *ust $an)t "elieve you)re su$h aIwoman Ne&t year% you)re going to "e leaving !or $ollege and it all happened so !ast It was% li#e% only yesterday you were throwing up strained peas all over your dad and?< I hold out a hand to stop her "e!ore she runs my entire $hildhood highlight reel :Dow a"out we ta#e the !ashion show and nostalgia trip in to Aram and Aramps "e!ore you $ompletely melt down And what time is it anywayC< :/ive minutes Ktil si& < :Be)re supposed to "e at the ,aniers) at si&%< I hu!! :Aet your shoes on < Mom slips into her +ir#ensto$#s while I gra" my purse and teeter down the hall to the living room% still unsteady on my high heels I do a !ew aw#ward pirouettes !or my grandparents% who applaud as I twirl% "e!ore I shoo everyone out o! the house and into the Camaro !or the se$onds@long trip to the ,aniers)% where +rad Balla$e)s tru$#% washed and wa&ed !or the o$$asion% sits in the driveway "ehind =ayla)s Feep =ayla and +rad emerge !rom the shadows on the !ront por$h as I)m ma#ing my way up the wal# (he two o! them $ould pass !or dar#@haired +ar"ie and =en Super Spe$ial >rom dolls% =ayla in her "ody@hugging midnight "lue strapless gown% her hair swept up and gathered into a #not o! $urls at the "a$# o! her head% and +rad in a tu&edo with a midnight "lue vest% tie% and po$#et s'uare that per!e$tly mat$h =ayla)s dress As I get $loser% I see a hand grasp =ayla)s "are shoulder% and =ieran steps out !rom "ehind her% wal#ing to the edge o! the por$h and wat$hing me with that grin as I approa$h De)s opted?with =ayla)s guidan$e% no dou"t?!or a "la$# tie ensem"le with a vest instead o! a $ummer"und% and he)s holding a plasti$ $ontainer with a $orsage o! emerald@tinted white roses inside Bhen I stop at the !oot o! the por$h stairs to ta#e him in% he pla$es the !lowers on the railing and $lut$hes his hands to his $hest% staggering
"a$#wards past =ayla as i! he)s having a heart atta$# :.h% whatever%< I yell up at him% any nerves a"out the dan$e or other potential disasters miles away at the moment :Cut it out < :I)m serious%< he says% wal#ing !orward and down the stairs to me% ta#ing my hands in his :You)re stunning I have no words < :Bell% than# =ayla My mom% too (hey did all o! this < :(hey had an amaJing $anvas to wor# with%< he whispers in my ear% as my mother and my grandparents lur# a !ew !eet "ehind us =ieran turns% lin#ing my arm through his and nodding towards the stairs :Shall I assist you to the !ront por$hC< he as#s% all !a#e sti!! !ormality :Bhy% how polite o! you < :Dad)s "een giving me $hivalry lessons all day sin$e I)m #ind o! new at this%< he e&plains as we $lim" the steps to *oin =ayla and +rad :So I guess you)ll "e slaying a dragon !or me laterC< :>ro"a"ly I)ve got a $ollapsi"le sword inside my *a$#et You)d "e surprised how roomy the po$#ets are in this thing < Fim and Carlie $ome out on the por$h and o!!er $ompliments on my dress "e!ore *oining my !amily down on the !ront wal# =ieran slips the $orsage on my le!t wrist?I)ve swit$hed the $harm "ra$elet to my right wrist !or the o$$asion?and the pi$ture assault "eginsE (he $ouples standing together on the !ront por$h steps% the $ouples ea$h standing alone on the steps% the two girls alone in !ront o! a rose "ush at the edge o! the house% the two guys alone on the !ront wal# A!ter every !ew shots% we all huddle up to view the results% and I)m surprised how rela&ed and happy I appear in the photos% any an&iety a"out the evening apparently "uried !ar "elow the sur!a$e
:+rad% I)ll email these to your parents%< my mom o!!ers :(han#s < +rad smiles at her% revealing a $hipped in$isor I remem"er him getting in a !oot"all game against (us$ulum his sophomore year when he too# su$h a hard hit his helmet $ame o!! I $an)t help "ut dig an el"ow into his ri"s% seeing him all dressed up in a way he)s never "een% at least not around me :You $lean up real ni$e% Balla$e%rom in sweats < :Don)t thin# it didn)t $ross my mind < =ayla $he$#s the time her phone and leans into +rad :You #now% i! we don)t get going% we)ll miss the start o! dinner%< she points out% so the !our o! us say our good"yes to the adults and head !or the driveway% our elders $alling out $ommands o! :Dave !un< and :+e sa!e< to our "a$#s Be)d wor#ed out "e!orehand that =ayla and +rad would drive separately !rom =ieran and me% so I $an "ring =ieran home i! he)s too worn out and de$ides not to go to the a!ter@party at the Stanley /arm >lus% with =ieran and me in a separate $ar% we get the added per# o! having at least a !ew minutes o! alone time as we drive !rom pla$e to pla$e .n$e we)re almost at the Camaro% =ieran ra$es in !ront o! me and opens the driver)s side door :Your $hariot% Miss%< he says% wel$oming me to the $ar with a sweep o! his hand :(otally unne$essary%< I tell him% pra$ti$ally !alling into the seat as I)m not used to sitting down while having to #eep my #nees together at the same time I $an)t "elieve some women dress li#e this on a regular "asis :It)s "ad enough I $an)t drive my girl!riend to >rom (he least I $an do is open doors !or her%< he e&plains
De wal#s to the other side o! the Camaro and gets in% and on$e he)s settled% I warn :You #now% a girl $ould get used to all this spe$ial treatment You might need to #eep it up a!ter tonight% I)ll "e so spoiled < :I)ll spoil you !or as long as you want < De puts a hand on my "are #nee :(rust me?it)s not hard < De leans in and gives me a 'ui$# #iss% and I resist the urge to ta#e his !a$e in my hands and #iss him over and over right here in the driveway% our !amilies *ust a !ew !eet away +ut sin$e our parents pro"a"ly don)t want to wat$h us ma#e out% I pull mysel! together and start the $ar% "a$#ing down the drive ahead o! +rad .ur >rom night is o!!i$ially underway% !or "etter or worse
Chapter 21
(itusville does >rom a little di!!erently than most high s$hools% and !or the worst o! reasons (he tradition used to "e that "e!ore the dan$e% $ouples would drive all the way to Sumner !or dinner at one o! the de$ent restaurants there or out "y the mall "e!ore ma#ing the tre# "a$# to (itusville !or the a$tual >rom +ut three years a!ter my mom graduated% two $ouples died in a single@$ar drun# driving a$$ident on their way to Sumner In response% the s$hool instituted a $atered dinner in the $a!eteria "e!ore the !estivities so people wouldn)t !eel the need to drive !orty@!ive minutes away !or a meal that doesn)t involve sitting down !or "urgers at the Diner or a trip through a drive@thru out near the interstate (o add to the al$ohol@!ree theme !or the evening% the Stanleys% whose eldest daughter was one o! the #ids #illed in the a$$ident% "egan o!!ering their "arn !or an a!ter@party% whi$h essentially ends up "eing a mini@>rom out in the "oonies a"out !i!teen miles !rom town ."viously% the s$hool $an)t $ontrol whether or not students go to the Stanley /arm% so a small per$entage o! #ids still snea# o!! to wherever to do whatever +ut sin$e the Stanley /arm A!ter@>arty is the parentally@approved venue !or post@>rom a$tivities% =ayla% +rad% =ieran and I will end up there% assuming =ieran has energy le!t a!ter the dan$e .n$e the !our o! us arrive at s$hool% we wal# through the main lo""y and glan$e inside the gym% the otherwise dar#ened spa$e lit up "y thousands o! tiny white Christmas lights strung low !rom the $eiling% $reating a $anopy e!!e$t (he >rom Committee has also draped lights a$ross the walls% mingling them with giant $otton "all $louds in order to $onstru$t a sort o! :heaven on earth < (he sight o! the Christmas lights stirs my an&ieties on$e again and my #nees "u$#le% !or$ing me to slump a little against =ieran)s side :You o#ayC< he as#s% putting his arm around my waist to support me I give him a wea# smile :I thin# it)s the shoes I wanted to wear my Chu$#s tonight "ut
they didn)t e&a$tly go with the dress < :Bell% I)ll hold you up i! you hold me up DealC< :Deal < De gives me a little s'ueeJe% and we !ollow +rad and =ayla into the $a!eteria% trans!ormed !or the evening into a pale imitation o! a $lassy restaurant% white ta"le$loths hiding the dra" "rown ta"le tops and still more Christmas lights strung a"out the room .ther than the set o! overhead lamps on "a$# near the #it$hen and the orange plasti$ $a!eteria $hairs de$orated !or the o$$asion with white and light "lue streamers taped to their "a$#s% we $ould almost !orget that we eat $ard"oard@!lavored piJJa sli$es and soggy tater tots in this room !ive times a wee# Almost As i! we)re programmed% we head straight !or the usual Fo$# (a"le in the "a$# $orner where =ayla% +rad% and I eat lun$h every day% and we)re soon *oined "y Cassie and Cody Dull% ,auren and +ill +ur$heron% and Ashley and her date% Hi$# Matthews ,eaving =ieran)s side !or a moment% I slide up to Cassie and lin# my arm in hers :My $ompliments to the >rom Committee%< I tell her :(han#s Dung all the lights mysel!%< she *o#es :Seriously% though?I too# the Christmas light idea you had to the $ommittee and they loved it% o"viously +ut you)d "e surprised how hard it is to get this many Christmas lights in May ,u$#y !or us% we got people to donate a "un$h so we didn)t need to "uy them all (here)s pro"a"ly not a set o! white Christmas lights le!t in the whole $ounty < My stoma$h starts $hurning again% "ut I stu!! the !ear down and sense it evaporate $ompletely when =ieran $omes up "ehind me and puts a hand on my shoulder (he $alm lasts throughout dinner% whi$h passes unevent!ully?or unevent!ully !or us% anyway =ieran !alls asleep twi$e% on$e during the salad $ourse and again right "e!ore dessert% "ut his "ehavior is so
ordinary now everyone *ust ignores it% and I)m a"le to sha#e him awa#e "y *ostling his leg with my #nee +ut on$e dinner)s over and we all head into the gym !or the dan$e% the pani$ rises in my stoma$h again% as I)m aware that what I saw in my dream happened while =ieran and I were dan$ing /or $ompletely di!!erent reasons?me with my !ear o! the lights going out% and =ieran with his !ear o! passing out?we head together to the !irst row o! the "lea$hers and sit down% laughing at =ayla and +rad as they !lail around on the dan$e !loor% their lim"s seeming almost dis$onne$ted !rom their "odies :I don)t see a pro!essional dan$e $areer in either o! their !utures%< =ieran says in my ear over the musi$ :(hey #ind o! loo# li#e they)re in pain% a$tually < :I)m in pain *ust wat$hing them < =ieran laughs% and a !ew minutes later the "eat gives way to the strings and piano o! some slow song I don)t re$ogniJe Couples stop *umping around and melt together% !oreheads pressed against !oreheads and arms wrapped around shoulders and waists while $haperones $ir$le the gym to ma#e sure the hands atta$hed to those arms don)t wander anywhere rated >A@ 10 or worse :Should we dan$eC< =ieran as#s% and sin$e I don)t want to tell my "oy!riend :No% we $an)t dan$e "e$ause something "ad might happen%< I let my sense o! humor ta#e over :Bell% it is what people are supposed to do at these things% !rom what I)ve heard Doesn)t seem too hard < I sound li#e a $reature !rom another planet des$ri"ing human "ehavior to one o! my alien "uddies :I guess we *ust put our arms around ea$h other and #ind o! sway "a$# and !orth to the rhythm < :I thin# I $an do that (he part a"out putting my arms around you I)ve de!initely got down May"e the rest will $ome to me <
:Bell% how a"out we stay $lose to the "lea$hersC I! you need to sit down or i! we !eel li#e we loo# as stupid as =ayla and +rad% then we won)t have !ar to go to get o!! the dan$e !loor < :Sounds good < =ieran stands and pulls me up Be $ling to ea$h other and start swaying to the musi$% and within se$onds I)m $om!orta"le enough to rest my head on his shoulder as I stare out at the gym !ull o! $ouples% the girls) dresses a rain"ow o! primary $olors and pastels swirling in the shimmer o! white light My heart stops% and I)m than#!ul the musi$ is loud enough =ieran $an)t hear me "reathing% his hands so low on my waist he wouldn)t sense the unsteady gasps !or$ing my "a$# to spasm I $lose my eyes !or the "rie!est se$ond% and when they !lutter open again% the lights still shine% the dresses still swirl% the musi$)s still loud Nothing strange or tragi$ has happened I)m here% dan$ing at my >rom% sa!e in the arms o! my "oy!riend% to whom nothing "ad has happened as well =ieran and I repeat this s$ene !ive more times throughout the evening?the two o! us pressed against ea$h other% my head on his shoulder as we sway "a$# and !orth as $ouples have done at >roms !orIhowever many years people have "een going to >roms?and the result is always the same in that nothing strange happens Be never 'uite wor# up the nerve to venture out on the !loor !or anything "ut slow songs% $hoosing instead to sit on the "lea$hers so =ieran $an doJe o!! or% when he)s awa#e% so we $an ma#e !un o! people)s seiJure@i!i$ dan$e moves +y the time the harsh !luores$ent gym lights "uJJ on to indi$ate we all need to move the party out to the Stanley /arm% I)m $onvin$ed my dreams% my nightmares% are nothing more than what =ayla said they might "e?a symptom o! my nerves a"out >rom% nerves that were apparently pointless My !inal an&ieties de!eated% I resolve to let go and en*oy the rest o! the night (han#s to a
marathon #issing session I initiate in my $ar while still in the s$hool par#ing lot% =ieran and I are among the last o! the $aravan o! $ars out to the Stanley /arm that I)ve wat$hed !rom my living room window in years past% witnessing the $losest thing (itusville will ever have to a parade Bhen we !inally arrive to the a!ter@party% we)re !or$ed to par# in the grass near the road at the edge o! the property% the !i!ty yards or so separating the "arn !rom the road already overrun with $ars A!ter I shut the engine o!!% I lean in !or one more #iss :=ayla)s never going to let us live this down%< I murmur against =ieran)s lips :=ayla $an su$# it%< he says when we part :I)m almost never alone with you when we)re not in pu"li$ I li#e having you all to mysel! !or a $hange < :Me% too < Dis lips meet mine again% and the stirring in my stoma$h is !ar !rom !ear Bhat I)m !eeling is the a$he that ta#es me over when =ieran #isses me% the want I #now will never 'uite "e satis!ied (he sensation was moving in me a !ew minutes ago in the s$hool par#ing lot% "e!ore we stopped #issing long enough to noti$e almost everyone else was gone And now% the a$he threatens to drown me in its $om!orting warmth% so I slam on the "ra#es "e!ore we end up in the position o! having to e&plain to people Monday morning why we never made it inside the party :=ieran%< I "reathe against his mouth% my voi$e a whine sending the $ontradi$tory messages o! :Stop< and :Don)t stop< at the same time :Yeah I #now%< he grum"les% pulling away *ust enough to press his !orehead to mine% his hand $aressing my "are shoulder :Be should go .therwise% we)ll have some e&plaining to do < :I don)t want to% "utI< De moves his hand !rom my shoulder to "rush his thum" a$ross my lower lip :Dey?it
won)t "e a total loss% rightC At least we)ll get to slow dan$e some more < Be $lim" out o! the $ar% the night air $ooling us o!! as we trudge up the slight hill .n$e we)ve rea$hed the "arn *ust a$ross the lawn !rom the Stanley)s an$ient !armhouse% I slip ahead o! =ieran through the slightly opened "arn door and !ind the evening)s de$orating theme has $arried over to the a!ter@party Bhite Christmas lights hang in a $anopy a$ross the $eiling% and a !ew sad loo#ing $otton "all $louds are ta$#ed up on the walls (he de$orations don)t 'uite $onvey the heavenly e!!e$t o! those "a$# at s$hool% "ut the $rowd% sweaty and disheveled as they "oun$e around to musi$ playing over a stereo system in the $orner% doesn)t seem to $are My eyes immediately !ind =ayla and +rad pressed against ea$h other at the edge o! the $rowd :=ayla%< I yell% waving% and at the sound o! my voi$e% she li!ts her head !rom +rad)s $hest and turns in our dire$tion Ara""ing +rad)s hand% she "oun$es over to us with him trailing "ehind her% the two o! them !lushed red !rom dan$ing in the hot% $ramped spa$e As they approa$h% I see +rad)s "angs have stu$# to his !orehead with sweat and =ayla)s up@do has "e$ome more o! a down@do% her $urls gradually slin#ing their way toward the nape o! her ne$# :So ni$e you $ould !inally *oin us%< she s$reams over the musi$ :No pro"lem%< =ieran shouts "a$#% and =ayla "rea#s away !rom +rad so she $an spea# into my ear without yelling at me :-verything o#ayC< she as#s :Yeah It)s "een an awesome night < :I #now% rightC< =ayla shoots me a loo# that says% What did I tell %ou* "othing(s going to go wrong tonight/ +rad gra"s =ayla)s hand again and pulls her "a$# towards the dan$ing throng =ieran and I% meanwhile% lean up against the wall ne&t to the "arn door and survey the s$ene?per!e$t hairstyles wilting and !riJJing in the heat% tu&edo *a$#ets and vests dumped in a heap over "y the
re!reshment ta"le% $urled petals !rom $orsages trampled under high heels and dress shoes :You should go dan$e with your !riends%< =ieran tells me :I won)t mind Don)t wait around with me until another slow song $omes on < >ushing mysel! up o!! the wall% I gra" his hand and turn to him with an idea :You #now% there)s no rule a"out slow dan$ing to !ast songs%< I point out% pulling him to the edge o! the $rowd where we slide our arms around ea$h other De #isses me% the two o! us swaying together% our movements almost slow@motion in $ontrast to the spasti$ horde *umping around ne&t to us A!ter a $ouple o! minutes% the musi$ swit$hes to a more rela&ed tempo and everyone else *oins in our rhythmi$ ro$#ing "a$# and !orth Be snea# a !ew more #isses past the eyes o! the parent $haperones gathered on the other side o! the party% and as the song winds down% I rest a sweaty $hee# on =ieran)s shoulder (he hypnoti$ glow o! twin#ling lights "oun$ing o!! the shimmery dresses $om"ined with the temperature inside the "arn and the warmth in my stoma$h are almost enough to ma#e me !all asleep against him My eyes droop a little% my "ody still swaying with =ieran)s even a!ter the last notes !ade out and a tiny lull settles over the party as we wait !or the ne&t song And that)s when the lights go out
Chapter 22
A !ew girls s$ream in surprise and I hear some laughter that sounds li#e it)s $oming mostly !rom the guys :-very"ody start ma#ing outM< a deep voi$e yells% prompting giggles and whoops !rom the $rowd :No% every"ody don(t start ma#ing out%< threatens an e&hausted and parental@sounding !emale% !ollowed 'ui$#ly "y an adult male voi$eE :Be "lew a !use% !ol#s Be)ll get a generator going in a !ew minutes < +ut everything)s already !alling apart Several $ouples head toward the moonlight streaming in through the hal!@open "arn door% not willing to wait until the lights and musi$ $ome "a$# on Me% on the other hand% I)m *ust terri!ied% the only thought running through my head "eing It(s ha!!ening@It(s ha!!ening@It(s ha!!ening/ :=ieranC< I whisper% pani$ spreading through me% ta#ing over my voi$e and !or$ing my arms to grip him more tightly :I)m right here%< he says% "e$ause I)m a$ting as i! I $an)t tell he)s still holding me :Don)t let me go% o#ayC< :Not a pro"lem < In the !aint light% I $an see his eyes $onstri$t with $on!usion :Are you o#ayC You seem #ind o! s$ared all o! a sudden < :I)mII)m good < I !or$e a smile :(he lightsI*ust $aught me o!! guard there% I guess < :Should we leave% you thin#C< Yes Yes% we should% "e$ause I don)t #now what)s going to happen i! we stay inside this dimly@lit "arn?I never dream a"out what happens a!ter the dar#ness !alls% so I want out into the moonlight as soon as possi"le :Yeah%< I "reathe% gra""ing his hand and pulling him toward the light and outside As we
wal# down the hill% a line o! $ars passes us on their way to the main road% people hon#ing and waving at us even though we $an)t see who)s inside A Mali"u pulls up ne&t to us as we)re a"out to turn o!! !rom the gravel drive to wal# the several yards a$ross the grass to my $ar% and ,auren)s head pops out the lowered window :Dey?a "un$h o! us are headed out to the +urger +arn i! you guys want to $ome%< she yells% the +urger +arn "eing the only pla$e around (itusville open twenty@!our hours :(han#s%< I yell "a$#% and +ill a$$elerates down the drive% ,auren)s arm waving to us as they $ontinue to the "la$#top I slip o!! my heels so I $an "etter wal# through the high grass% dropping them ne&t to my rear tire as =ieran leans up against the passenger door :So% do you want to go meet up with every"odyC< he as#s% voi$e low .n$e again% my !ear melts into o"livion I step !orward% the a$he gnawing at my insides even though I)m not yet tou$hing him My mind tells me we)d "e sa!er !romIwhatever)s out there i! we were with other people% "ut my heart reminds me the lights went out several minutes ago% and *ust li#e at s$hool% nothing)s happened So given the $hoi$e "etween eating "urgers and !ries with most o! the *unior and senior $lasses or ta#ing advantage o! some rare alone time with =ieranI :No%< I say% pressing against him Be wat$h the line o! $ars until the last one pulls out on the main road (he lights !li$#er "a$# on in the "arn and in se$onds% the !aint sound o! musi$ dri!ts down to us over the several $ars still par#ed around the property Bhoever)s staying is staying% and whoever)s de$ided to leave is gone I move "a$# !rom =ieran as !ar as I need to so I $an rea$h into my purse !or my #eys :I)ll get your door !or you%< =ieran says% "ut I gra" his wrist% stopping him "e!ore he $an start wal#ing to the driver)s side
:I)ve got a "etter idea < I open the passenger door and !ling my purse over to the driver)s seat "e!ore !olding the "a$#rest !orward =ieran !ollows me to the "a$#% shutting the door "ehind him :So%< he says% !lashing me that grin :Ni$e weather we)re having% huhC< :Yeah%er!e$t weather !or this time o! year% really < :+ut I)m guessing you didn)t $rawl "a$# here so we $ould tal# a"out the weather%< he points out% rea$hing out to $aress my #nee :Not e&a$tly < I start giggling% "ut =ieran)s mouth !inds mine and the a$he pulls me under% my hands moving up into his hair% the two o! us sin#ing down so his "ody is mostly on mine% his legs in the !loor"oard My "a$# ar$hes% molding my torso to his :Fust so you $an)t say later you weren)t warned%< he murmurs against my lips% :I really don)t #now what I)m doing < De stops #issing me altogether and raises his head% his eyes shi!ting away !rom mine in em"arrassment :,i#e% I really% reall% have no idea% i! you get my meaning < :Me% neither%< I say% tou$hing his $hee# :+ut I)m willing to !igure it out as we go i! you are < =ieran e&hales% seemingly relieved% and I pull him to me on$e again May"e I should "e nervous or s$ared or something over what might happen here% "ut my want !or him $ontrols me to the point that I)m not aware o! my emotions at all% the only thing I !eel "esides =ieran)s hands moving on me "eing a "reeJe "lowing through the $ar% as i! the door)s still open or the window)s rolled down (he $hill li!ts me !rom my tran$e in time to open my eyes and noti$e a hand on =ieran)s shoulder% yan#ing him "a$#wards My "ody involuntarily !ollows his at !irst% "ut whoever or whatever wren$hes him o!! me with su$h !or$e that I !all "a$# on the leather seat%
and his eyes wide with terror are the last things I see "e!ore he disappears (he door slams% sha#ing the $ar% and I)m so in sho$# I let a !ew pre$ious se$onds pass My !irst thought?a totally irrational one?is that my mom !ound us and at the moment she)s threatening =ieran with the !ull !or$e o! her maternal wrath My mom "eing here% however% ma#es a"solutely no sense +ut I #now what does ma#e sense I #now what $ould "e happening right now that would awa#en every !ear I)ve stu!!ed down inside me all night long I $lim" out o! the Camaro% my head whipping around a !ew times "e!ore I $at$h sight o! a man in the near distan$e sprint@wal#ing away !rom the "arn and the house in the dire$tion o! the Stanley)s $orn!ield Moonlight "oun$es o!! his shiny "ald dome% and =ieran)s slung over his shoulder li#e a wet towel :Kieran?< I s$ream into the night% "ut he doesn)t raise his head% whi$h I ta#e to mean he)s passed out /ran# DoJier)s pa$e pi$#s up slightly as I turn toward the "arn and yell :4el!?< at the top o! my lungs -ven as my voi$e e$hoes "a$# to me% I realiJe the "arn)s too !ar away and the musi$)s too loud% and I don)t want to ris# /ran# disappearing with =ieran while I run up the hill to get help I)ve got to handle this on my own /ran# and =ieran are turning into human spe$#s against the night as /ran# trudges !urther away through the an#le@high plants% so I ta#e a deep "reath and "rea# into a sprint even though /ran# DoJier)s got a pretty good head start on me +ut people don)t $all me :;ip< !or nothing In se$onds% I)ve made up hal! the ground "etween /ran# and mysel!% my !eet "arely registering on the grass and the dirt o! the Stanley)s re$ently planted $orn!ield .n$e I see that he)s headed !or an old Dodge Charger par#ed at the edge o! the !ield "ordering the $ounty road% I
will mysel! to speed up +y the time /ran# hears the sound o! my !ootsteps in the dirt% I)m almost on him De whips around% one arm holding =ieran)s legs to his $hest% and he gives me that sneer !rom the Diner% stopping short o! a laugh as my momentum nearly $auses me to $rash into him :Bhataya thin# %ou(re doin)% little girlC< he taunts in his New Yawk a$$ent% e&tending his !ree hand toward me to doIto doIwhatC I don)t plan on !inding out My adrenaline% already spi#ing a!ter my run% #i$#s up another not$h and "e!ore I realiJe what I)m doing% I)ve reared "a$#% hand "alled into a !ist% all the strength in my "ody propelling my arm !orward (he #nu$#les o! my right hand stri#e /ran#)s nose with su$h !or$e I $rumple to the ground as he does% =ieran sliding to the dirt in a heap ne&t to him (ears spring to my eyes as I try to sha#e the sting out% "ut the a$tion *ust ma#es the pain worse% and I $an already !eel the thro""ing sensation that means my hand is starting to swell I get up !rom my #nees and stand over /ran#% his !a$e a "loody mess% what $ons$iousness he has only allowing him to moan and roll his head "a$# and !orth in the dust =ieran% meanwhile% sha#en awa#e !rom the !all% pushes himsel! up on an el"ow and loo#s around% $on!used :;ipC< he as#s I rea$h down with my good hand to help him up as /ran# raises his le!t hand to his nose to wipe away some "lood% revealing a sun"urst tattoo on his inner wrist I)ve never noti$ed "e!ore% an orange $ir$le with mat$hing orange s'uiggly rays% all outlined in "la$# Shi!ting my eyes to =ieran% I $an tell "y his "ewildered e&pression he)s seen the tattoo as well /ran# $ontinues to "rush his "loody nose and struggles to sit up% while I !igure we pro"a"ly shouldn)t "e standing around waiting !or him to $ome to his senses :HunM< I yell =ieran and I ta#e o!! in the dire$tion o! my $ar% =ieran panting as he tries to #eep up with
me I stop a"out hal!way and loo# "ehind us% "oth so =ieran $an rest and so I $an see what /ran#)s up to% whi$h isn)t mu$h De struggles to his !eet and ta#es a !ew steps !orward% "o""ing and weaving li#e a pun$h@drun# "o&er "e!ore $rumpling to the dirt again I surrender some pre$ious se$onds waiting !or his ne&t move% "ut when he "egins $rawling toward his $ar rather than heading in our dire$tion% I el"ow =ieran and the two o! us speed@wal# the rest o! the way to the Camaro .n$e at the $ar% I yan# my purse !rom the seat where I)d thrown it what seems now a million years ago and slide "ehind the wheel Dands sha#ing% I rea$h !or my #eys and !ling the tiny "ag "ehind me while =ieran "u$#les himsel! in :Bhat nowC< he wheeJes% as I start the $ar and "a$# out o! the grass to the gravel drive% the "arn on the hill "ehind us lit up and o"livious to all we)ve "een through I $ast a "rie! glan$e over at =ieran sha#ing in my passenger seat% arms $rossed around himsel! ."viously% any romanti$ spells we were under were "ro#en long "e!ore my !ist $onne$ted with /ran#)s nose% so hoo#ing up is out o! the realm o! possi"ilities !or the night :I don)t #now what we should do%< I answer% eyeing the swollen hand I have no idea how I)m going to e&plain to my Mom Bhen I ta#e my hand !rom the steering wheel and try to !le& at the #nu$#les% the pain !rom the tiny "it o! movement I)m a"le to muster ma#es me win$e :May"eI may"e we should drive around !or a while% $lear our heads%< I suggest :Be need to !igure out our ne&t move < I loo# sideways at =ieran again% his tu&edo $oated with a light sheen o! dust% sweat mi&ing with the dirt on his $hee# to $reate a muddy smear :You)re a mess% my hand)s swelling% and I don)t thin# /ran#)s leaving town Be need some #ind o! a plan < I have no idea how right I am until I rea$h the "la$#top and a$$elerate% $he$#ing my rear view mirror to !ind a Dodge Charger gaining on us In se$onds% the headlights are pra$ti$ally in
my "a$#seat% lighting up the Camaro)s interior I !loor the gas pedal% than#!ul I #now every twist and turn in these $ountry roads "ut not $onvin$ed I $an #eep $ontrol on them at over eighty miles an hour (he headlights "ehind us re$ede a little as we pi$# up speed% and I draw on upon every a$tionGadventure movie I)ve seen in my li!etime to try to $ome up with a plan Hight now% we)re headed "a$# toward town (wo $ars ra$ing through downtown (itusville at nearly !our times the speed limit would de!initely draw attention% "ut I)m not sure I trust the $ounty $ops to get out here !ast enough to "e o! mu$h help >lus% I $an)t stoma$h speeding through (itusville and hitting someone else)s $ar% or worse In the movies% people are always *umping out o! the way or $ars not involved in the $hase end up $rashing into "uildings or into ea$h other% "ut the movies never show what happens to the people on the sidewal# or in those anonymous $ars Does anyone $are a"out the hero $ausing multiple in*uries% death% and destru$tion "e!ore $on'uering the "ad guyC No Not in the movies +ut here% in real li!e% I $are% so leading /ran# DoJier to town is out My mind ra$es with possi"ilities I $ould get on the !our@lane state highway near s$hool and $all the $ops !rom there (here won)t "e too many people out this time o! night% so I $an drive li#e a mania$ without $ausing mu$h damage I glan$e into my rear view mirror to see /ran#)s lights on my tail% and I de$ide we should $all the $ops% tell them we)re "eing $hased to the highway% and they $an inter$ept us out there somewhere +ut I $an)t rea$h my phone "e$ause it)s in my purse?in the "a$#seat :=ieran%< I yell% "ut all I get in return is a !aint moan telling me he)s out o! it :=ieranM< I shrie# louder this time% and he snaps awa#e :YeahC< :Call the $ops (ell them we)re headed !or the highway?e&it nineteen <
A "illion se$onds go "y and I don)t hear =ieran)s voi$e% don)t see anything re!le$ted in my windshield resem"ling light !rom a phone s$reen :My phone)s gone%< he tells me !inally :It must)ve !allen out o! my *a$#et "a$# there < :.#ay%< I say% amaJed at how $alm I am right now :My purse is in the "a$#seat somewhere Do you see itC< De li!ts up and twists his "ody around as mu$h as he $an with his seat "elt still on :No < .#ayo#ayo#ay A mi$ros$opi$ "la$# purse against "la$# leather seats?o! $ourse% he $an)t see it And with our lu$#% the tiny "ag)s pro"a"ly in the !loor"oard somewhere or stu$# under one o! our seats% and I)m not going to as# =ieran to go !um"ling around without a seat "elt on while I)m "usy re@ena$ting s$enes !rom The Fast and the Furious movies I)d really li#e to get out o! this evening without either o! us getting #illed I)ve got almost a !ull tan# o! gas Bonder how mu$h /ran# hasC May"e I $an get on the highway and *ust drive until one o! us is emptyC +ut that ne+er happens in the movies Some"ody always $rashes into something or the $ar "lows up or goes o!! a $li!! orI No I)m not getting on the highway I)m ending this Hight now And I thin# I #now how I)m going to do it
Chapter 23
-ven at night% I)m !amiliar enough with this road to #now the turno!! !or the "oat laun$h is $oming up on my right Deading to the river is a long shot% "ut one I)m willing to ta#e with /ran# DoJier pra$ti$ally in my "a$#seat and no guarantee o! what might happen i! I get on the highway or $ontinue ra$ing around out here in the $ountry So I hope% with my "are !oot pressing down on the a$$elerator and my speedometer still hovering in the eighty mile@an@hour range% that my #nowledge o! the area and o! the gravel road down to the river trumps /ran#)s >raying to the gods o! Fason Statham and Ni$olas Cage and every other a$tor who)s ever !ilmed a high speed $hase% I tap the "ra#e *ust enough to turn o!! the $ounty road% the "a$# end o! the Camaro !ishtailing and $lipping a tree =ieran allows himsel! a mild !rea#@out on$e he realiJes where we are :You #now there)s a ri+er down here% rightC< he yells over the roar o! the engine and the $run$hing o! gravel :Yup%< I say% not ta#ing my eyes !rom the dar#ness in !ront o! me !lan#ed "y trees :+ut I)m hoping our !riend "ehind us doesn)t Dold on < Be)re going so !ast I $an "arely $ontrol the $ar% my !oot leaving the gas pedal several times as the ruts in the gravel "oun$e us around% the seat"elt s'ueeJing me as i! it wants to sli$e me in hal! /rom the $orner o! my eye% I noti$e =ieran)s ta#en my :Dold on< $ommand literally% "oth hands grasping his seat"elt harness a"ove the shoulder Despite the "linding lights !rom /ran#)s $ar shining in my "a$# window% I)m a"le to ma#e out one !inal dip $oming up in the path ahead% right "e!ore the road widens out into the "oat laun$h area (he Camaro rum"les over the rut as I slam on my "ra#es% and my seat"elt tightens against me as I turn to the right to #eep us !rom laun$hing into the river "e!ore I yan# hard le!t to avoid going into the woods (he $ar !ishtails on$e again and the "ra#es $an)t slow my speed enough to prevent the "a$# end !rom
smashing into a tree% the $run$h o! metal and shattering glass dea!ening me "e!ore !ading out !or a moment as momentum *er#s my "ody sideways% my temple slamming into the still inta$t driver)s side window I snap "a$#% the only sound in my ears the protesting moan o! the engine a!ter "eing put through so mu$h wor# As i! to reward the $ar !or a *o" well done% I rea$h !orward and $li$# the #ey to the :o!!< position% the atmosphere eerily silent on$e I do :;ipC< =ieran)s voi$e seems !ar away% and when I turn to loo# at him% my vision "lurs and all I $an see is a "la$# "lo" and something that sort o! loo#s li#e a !a$e% "ut I $an)t "e sure the "lo" is =ieran :Bhoa%< I whisper% my head lolling around on my ne$# as i! it)s no longer $ompletely atta$hedI Ne&t thing I #now% I)m sitting on the gravel "eside the $ar% =ieran)s tu&edo *a$#et slung over my shoulders and my head resting on his $hest% his palm a dull thud against my $hee# :Stay with me% o#ayC< he "egs :.#ayC ;ipC< :BhaI< :I thin# you might have a $on$ussion%< he says% although his voi$e sounds li#e it)s $oming through a tin $an :Be need to #eep you awa#e < :BhoC< I mum"le% my mouth !eeling as though it)s lined with !ur A!ter I swallow% I try on$e more to !orm words :Bho gon #eep you wa#eC< :Bho)s going to #eep me awa#eC< =ieran translates :Aood 'uestion At least you)ve still got your sense o! humor% so that)s something < =ieran li!ts my "ody o!! the ground% my lim"s limp as snapped ru""er "ands I)m not sure what)s happening% "ut something triggers the mus$le memory o! putting one !oot in !ront o! the other in order to wal# (he world swims "e!ore me in haJy ripples o! dar#ness% my head
!loating around on my ne$# :.#ay% you)re doing great%< he tells me :You)re?< My #nees hit the ground Dard I $ollapse on my side% moaning% "e!ore my stoma$h lur$hes and I throw up :.h% Aod Sorry Sorry My "ody gave out on me !or a minute%< =ieran)s voi$e says !rom somewhere !ar away :,oo#% I)ll "e "a$# soon% o#ayC I)m going to try to !ind your phone < De sits me upright on the ro$#s and drapes his *a$#et around me on$e again My head thro"s% and in an e!!ort to #eep it atta$hed to my "ody% I lean !orward and pull my legs to me% =ieran)s *a$#et sliding !rom my shoulders My arms and $hin $ome to rest in some #ind o! hot% slimy wetness I $an)t really see% "ut I $an smell it?"lood% may"eC My stoma$h empties out again% and all I want to do is lie down here in the gravel andI andI A!ter I)m not sure how long% I awa#e to ro$#s digging into my $hee# and a !irm hand sha#ing me "a$# to $ons$iousness =ieran sits me upright on$e again and pla$es $old hands underneath my arms so he $an pull me o!! the ground :Be need to wal#% o#ayC< he says% my head so !oggy he sounds li#e he)s tal#ing to me underwater :=eep your arms around me < I lean into his $hest% his shirt wet and $ool and wel$ome against my !a$e as we "egin to move% my !orehead graJing the pri$#ly damp hair on his $hin (he sensation o! stu""le against my s#in sets o!! a "rie! $hain o! logi$ in my addled "rain?=ieran)s always $lean@shaven% and he de!initely would "e tonight -ven in my altered state% I)m sho$#ed and s$ared enough that instin$t tells me to pull away As soon as I do% the world spins in !ront o! me% my legs "u$#ling :Bhoa% there%< says the voi$e I thought "elonged to =ieran% "ut now I)m not sure May"e I)m still passed out May"e I)m dreaming this May"e I)m dead And i! I am and this is heaven% $onsider me so not impressed
:=ieranC< I whimper% trying to ma#e sense o! what)s happening I! =ieran isn)t the one holding me up% then who isC /ran#C :Dang onto me and #eep moving%< the voi$e orders :You need to stay awa#e until help gets here < I)m in no $ondition to argue and de!initely in no shape to !ight this person% whoever he is% and as he doesn)t seem to have any immediate intentions o! #illing me% I lean in again and let him steer me around% the ro$#s sta""ing into my !eet and his =ieran@li#e voi$e tethering me to $ons$iousness :.#ay You)re doing !ine Fust a little "it longer I $an hear the sirens nowI< Someone yells% "ut I $an)t ma#e out what he)s saying :No?I swear%< my res$uer $alls out into the dar#ness :I)m not going to hurt her .r you I)ve $alled !or help Don)t you hear the am"ulan$eC< A mu!!led voi$e responds% too !ar away !or me to understand anything% and my res$uer again $laims he)s trying to help :I)m serious?I)m not here to hurt either o! you I *ust want to do right "y you !or on$e Bhy would I have $alled !or help i! I wanted to hurt youC< (he other person doesn)t say anything?nothing I $an hear% anyway :Dere%< my res$uer "egins% nudging me !orward :(a#e her =eep her moving i! you $an until the am"ulan$e gets down here I)m not going to hurt you < :I)m supposed to "elieve thatC< the other voi$e responds% sounding an aw!ul lot li#e =ieran?=ieran at the "ottom o! a well :I)m unarmed and I don)t want to hurt you% I swear (a#e her%< my res$uer insists% also sounding a lot li#e =ieran at the "ottom o! a well .#ay?I)m o"viously "rain@damaged (hese guys $an)t both "e =ieran I try to sha#e the $on!usion out o! my head% "ut the motion only ma#es the wooJiness worse /or a se$ond% I sense
two pairs o! arms on me% then only one pair $ir$les my waist and I !eel the light "rush o! lips graJing my !orehead :SeeC I)m unarmed /ran#)s gone I don)t want anything "ad !or you #ids I)m trying to set things right here < I)m aware o! the low whine o! a siren $oming !rom somewhere% and the voi$e o! my res$uer?I thin# it)s him% anyway?sounds even !urther away :I don)t have time to e&plain right now Fust $he$# your *a$#et po$#et later < (he voi$e #eeps !ading% "ut I hear him say something li#e :(a#e $are o! her?she)s a good one < :Yeah%< =ieran says against my ear% "e!ore the 'uiet gives way to the "leating am"ulan$e pulling into the "oat laun$h area
Chapter 24
I wa#e up% "lin#ing at the harsh lights stinging my eyes An antisepti$ smell ti$#les my nostrils% threatening to ma#e me sneeJe% and a persistent "eeping noise is $oming !rom somewhere a"ove my head Someone)s !ingers are $urled around mine% and I shi!t my eyes to the le!t to !ind Mom staring at me% tears staining her !a$e as she s'ueeJes my hand :.h% ;ip Doney?< (hat)s all she gets out "e!ore I start "awling% mostly out o! relie! I have no idea where I am or what I)m doing here% "ut I #now right this minute% !or whatever reason% I)ve never "een so happy in my li!e to see my mother and so I don)t $are that I)m "lu""ering :Mom < I sni!!le% and she "rushes some hair o!! my !orehead% pain shooting through me :Sorry%< she says as I win$e :I !orgot Da"it < I raise my hand to my temple to !ind a 'uarter@siJed #not% and as i! pressing on the spot *ogs my memory% I pi$ture my head hitting the driver)s side window as the $ar s#idded to a stop ne&t to the river ,i!ting mysel! up on my el"ows% I !ind my "eauti!ul >rom dress repla$ed "y a $otton hospital smo$# that "arely !alls to my "ruised and s$raped@up #nees My shins% $alves% and !eet are a maJe o! $uts and s$rapes% and I realiJe the antisepti$ s$ent ma#ing my nose it$h must "e $oming !rom me Bires trail !rom underneath the smo$#% and my eyes !ollow them "ehind and a"ove me where they end at a heart monitor% the *agged lines on the s$reen telling me that? !or the moment anyway?I)m still alive :,ie down%< Mom gently $ommands% tou$hing a "utton on the wall ne&t to the "ed :You)ve got a $on$ussion !rom the a$$ident < (he a$$ident My mind rewinds through the high@speed getaway !rom /ran# DoJier% to =ieran and me running to the $ar% to /ran#)s sun"urst tattoo% and to me pun$hing /ran# in the
noseI I shi!t my gaJe to my right hand "ut !ind only !ingertips% my !ingers taped together and the hand itsel! "uried under an i$e pa$#% all that loo#s remotely !amiliar the $harm "ra$elet around my wrist :M% hand%< I almost s$ream% sitting all the way up this time% "ut a searing pain in my $hest #no$#s me "a$# :It)s pro"a"ly not "ro#en < Mom reads my mind :Fust "ruised up (hey were waiting !or you to wa#e up to ta#e Q@rays% "ut unless they !ind out it)s worse than they thin#% you)ll "e shooting "as#ets again in a wee# or so Be)ll pro"a"ly have to #eep the !ingers taped together and i$e it every on$e in a while a!ter we get home < (he $urtain parts and Dr >art$hett% who)s "een with the hospital !or years and went to high s$hool with my mom% $omes in and as#s me how I)m !eeling :Aroggy%< I tell him :(hat)s normal%< he says% mostly to Mom :A!ter we send her down !or Q@rays% we)ll #eep her overnight to "e sa!e% "ut I don)t see any reason why she shouldn)t "e a"le to go home sometime tomorrow morning < Mom nods as Dr >art$hett shines a pen light in my eyes and po#es and prods around on me a "it "e!ore leaving us alone again :Bhere)s =ieranC< I as# :De)s here%< Mom assures me% and "e!ore I $an interrupt her with my ne&t 'uestion% she adds% :And he)s !ine De)s got some $uts and "ruises% "ut they $he$#ed him out and dis$harged him a while ago De tried to $ome in and sit with you% "ut the nurses wouldn)t let anyone stay with you "ut me At any rate% he told me he wasn)t leaving% so unless Carlie and Fim dragged him home% I)m guessing he)s out in the lo""y somewhere < I start $rying again% relieved he)s not hurt "ut also $on$erned that we)re in a lot o!
trou"le% depending on what =ieran told his parents and my mom a"out what went down earlier :MomIa"out tonightIdid =ieran e&plainI< Mom ta#es my good hand in hers again :De said the power went out at the Stanley /arm% so you two le!t toIto go "e alone < She darts her eyes away and s$rapes her teeth a$ross her lower lip% something she only does when she)s upset at someone% and I)m guessing the :someone< in this $ase is =ieran :It was so dar# at the river you mis*udged your speed heading down and tried to pull o!! to the side to #eep !rom going in the water < My insides "urn on hearing =ieran)s lie -ven though his story is so mu$h less $ompli$ated than the truth% I $an)t help "ut "e em"arrassed that Mom pro"a"ly thin#s we were headed to the river to hoo# up and I ruined everything "e$ause I su$# at driving :So are you mad at meC< I as#% tears welling in my eyes She surprises me "y smiling :I)m hal!@tempted to send you to Cali!ornia to "e$ome a stuntwoman /orget this wanting to "e a sports reporter nonsense I! I)d "een in the same situation% my $ar would "e on the river "ottom right now < I laugh a little% "ut the pain in my $hest and head turns the laughs into moans :Care!ul%< Mom warns :I)m glad you)re going to "e o#ay% "ut regardless% you)re grounded until s$hool)s out and you leave !or your dad)s < :(han#s < I !orget and laugh again% the "urning pain returning almost immediately :Bhy does my $hest hurt so "adC< :(he seat"elt You)ll have a nasty "ruise there (hey hoo#ed you up to the heart monitor as a pre$aution (ry not to move around so mu$h < Nodding% I attempt to re$all details !rom a!ter my automotive misadventures% "ut nothing $omes :Mom% did =ieran say what happened a!ter the wre$#C I don)t remem"er <
:Bell% he said you #ind o! #eeled over in the $ar and he had to $rawl over you to get out "e$ause the passenger door was messed up De thought you pro"a"ly had a $on$ussion% so he was trying to wal# you around to #eep you awa#e% "ut then he had one o! those moments when he #ind o! loses mus$le $ontrol% I guessC< Mom tilts her head at me as i! she)s loo#ing !or $on!irmation that =ieran)s mus$le wea#ness a$tually happens% and I nod to get her to $ontinue :De $ouldn)t hold you up and you "oth !ell?that)s pro"a"ly when you got a lot o! the "ruises and $uts on your legs% although some o! them might "e !rom the wre$#% too I guess he was a"le to re$over enough to $all !or help < I shut my eyes% tiny !lashes o! the evening $oming "a$# to me% espe$ially the moment when =ieran and I were speeding down the $ounty road and he told me his phone must have !allen out o! his *a$#et So unless he !ound my phone in the $ar when we were at the riverI :DoneyC You o#ayC< Mom as#s :Yeah%< I whisper% the memory?or may"e the dream?o! another person with us a!ter the a$$ident returning to me :Bas there anyone else around when the am"ulan$e showed upC< :No (he paramedi$s !ound the two o! you alone BhyC< :Not sure%art$hett said you might "e #ind o! mi&ed up !or a while It)s normal < I! this is normal% I don)t li#e it I)m wooJy and nauseous andIandImy stoma$h rum"les% and I)m a!raid I)m going to throw up Mom senses what)s a"out to happen and rea$hes !or a "edpan on the ta"le ne&t to the stret$her% "ut I)m only a"le to spit some "ile into the #idney@ shaped plasti$ :You pro"a"ly don)t have anything le!t in your stoma$h%< she notes :(he $on$ussion made you throw up all over your dress <
Dearing I pu#ed on mysel! does little to settle my nausea% and I spit up again :Bhere is my dress% anywayC< I as#% loo#ing around :(hey $ut it o!! to e&amine you%< Mom says% sha#ing her head :It)s a lost $ause < /or some reason% pro"a"ly "e$ause my head)s su$h a mess% tears spring to my eyes at this news I rewind the evening in my mind on$e again and sort o! remem"er dropping my sandals in the grass ne&t to my $ar at the Stanley /arm% "ut I don)t thin# I ever pi$#ed them up again :I lost my shoes% too%< I whimper :,i#e you were ever going to wear those again anyway%< Mom hu!!s with a !li$# o! her hand :And the $ar .h% my Aod?your Camaro It was a $lassi$%< I whine% evidently needing to list everything I)ve lost or messed up tonight :You #now% we pro"a"ly needed a new $ar anyway Be)ll go shopping on$e you)re up to it% get something ni$e and modern this time?with air"ags < :It)s a total lossC< :Bell% the "a$# seat)s a little $loser to the !ront seat than it should "e% so pro"a"ly < Der $omment ma#es me tear up again% and she stops *o#ing around :;ip% who $ares a"out the $arC I $an repla$e a $ar I $an)t repla$e you You)re all that matters < I lose it% $rying so hard I don)t realiJe =ieran)s slipped through the $urtain :(hey told me I $ould $ome "a$# "e!ore they ta#e you !or more tests%< he says% and I wipe my eyes with my good hand so I $an see him De holds his dusty *a$#et to him% "ut his tie and vest are missing% his white shirt and "la$# pants stained with dirt !rom our post@>rom a$tivities Mom stands up and slides "ehind him% putting her hands on his shoulders :I)ll leave you two alone%< she tells him :+ut *ust !or a !ew minutes% o#ayC<
:.#ay < =ieran $ollapses into the $hair ne&t to the stret$her as Mom leaves De rea$hes out to hold my hand as she had "een doing "e!ore% only he $loses his eyes and raises my hand to his lips% and I sense the tiniest "it o! warmth spreading through me at his tou$h :I $an)t "elieve you)re still here%< I whisper% although I have no idea how long we)ve "een at the hospital :I told anyone who would listen I wasn)t leaving until I saw !or mysel! you were o#ay +esides% I didn)t want to leave without than#ing you < :(han#ing meC< :You)re my hero < De smiles% his mouth only millimeters !rom my s#in% his "reath warm a$ross my #nu$#les :You pro"a"ly saved my li!e tonight < :I nearly killed you tonight Sounds li#e I messed up the $ar pretty good I)m surprised you)re not hurt < I pull my hand away !rom his so I $an tou$h the white tape "andages mas#ing $uts on his $hee# and on the "ridge o! his nose% the !lesh "ruised and irritated around them =ieran ta#es my hand !rom his !a$e and #isses my !ingers :A !ew $uts and "ruises No "ig deal I)m more worried a"out you Dow are you doingC< :Not great% "ut apparently I)m going to live%< I *o#e :And !rom what I hear% you saved me% too Mom says you tried to #eep me awa#e and $alled !or help < =ieran shi!ts his eyes to the other side o! the e&amination area% and as soon as he does% I #now I #now what I)d wondered a"out at the river% what I)ve "een struggling to pie$e together sin$e Mom told me =ieran was the one who $alled the am"ulan$e I hal! e&pe$t to !ollow =ieran)s stare and !ind Morgan ,evert standing in the $orner% as i! this s$ene is straight out o! To
Kill a Mockingbird and he)s the +oo Hadley to my S$out :Morgan was with us% wasn)t heC< I whisper in $ase Mom or someone else is listening :You remem"erC< he as#s% turning wide eyes "a$# to me :Naguely Bhat happenedC< =ieran loo#s around as i! he)s e&pe$ting to "e interrupted at any moment :I was helping you wal# and my mus$le wea#ness thing #i$#ed in?< :I sort o! remem"er that < :Yeah I sat you up and tried to go "a$# to the $ar to !ind your phone I must)ve passed out% "e$ause when I wo#e up% I)m lying ne&t to the "a$# tire and he)s with you I thought I was seeing things < De grips my hand :And I *ust #ind o! stared at him !or a minute% "e$ause I was so "lown away% you #nowC De loo#ed *ust li#e I drew him < :Bhat)s he doing hereC< :No $lue < =ieran shrugs :De said he wished he had time to e&plain Bhen the am"ulan$e started getting $lose% he put you in my arms and ran o!! into the woods /or a while there% I was hal! $onvin$ed the whole thing didn)t happen < :Did you tell anyoneC< De sha#es his head :No way It)s "ad enough /ran# was here% "ut Morgan showing up% tooC My parents would have movers at our house "y tomorrow morning < (he mention o! /ran# reminds me to as#% :Bhat happened to /ran#C I was so $on!used a!ter we wre$#ed?< =ieran stares down at our *oined hands :Bhen I loo#ed up a!ter I $rawled out o! the $ar% /ran#)s $ar was in the water < Fust as I thought?/ran#% "eing un!amiliar with the area and with his $ar "oun$ing up and
down o!! the gravel% wouldn)t "e a"le to see the river $oming up ahead as we "arreled down the path% wouldn)t "e a"le to hit his "ra#es !ast enough to #eep him !rom laun$hing o!! the !inal rut and into the river :(he $ar was going down while I was wal#ing you around%< =ieran says% sounding almost guilty :+y the time the am"ulan$e showed up% it was $ompletely under < I let this in!ormation sin# in /ran# DoJier is pro"a"ly dead% whi$h truly% honestly% wasn)t supposed to happen My plan was to pull the Camaro o!! to the right while /ran#)s $ar went into the water% su"merging the !ront end "ut not mu$h else% "uying me enough time to turn my $ar around and head "a$# up the hill to sa!ety Smashing up Mom)s $ar and /ran# sin#ing all the way into the river were o"viously severe mis$al$ulations on my part All I wanted to do was get away !rom him I never meant to kill the guy My head weighs a thousand pounds% and as mu$h as I try not to% I shut my eyes !or a se$ond and have to !or$e them "a$# open :You)re tired%< =ieran points out :I should go "e!ore your mom or the nurses $ome in and $hase me out anyway +ut I)ll $ome over tomorrow i! you)re up to it% o#ayC Be)ll tal# more then < :I)d li#e that%< I tell him% wishing he $ould stay% wishing he $ould $url up with me in my hospital "ed "e$ause I)m a!raid a!ter a night li#e tonight% I might not see him again i! he leaves :I)ll $all you as soon as I get home < :.#ay%< he says "e!ore pressing his lips to my hand as my mom po#es her head through the $urtain :=ieran%< she whispers De lets me go% sni!!ling as he stands up (ears "urn my eyes% and I)m amaJed I have any le!t I wat$h as he slides past my mom out into the pu"li$ areas o! the emergen$y room% leaving me to hope I $an !all asleep tonight so tomorrow $an get here !aster
Chapter 25
/or someone who)s supposed to "e ta#ing it easy% I)ve got a lot o! a$tivity swirling around me right now My grandparents *ust showed up a!ter going to the salvage yard out on Dighway 20 to $lean out what)s le!t o! the Camaro% and as they)re $oming into my room to deliver my purse "a$# to me% Mom)s phone "lares :DelloC< she hu!!s% immediately rolling her eyes to the $eiling on$e she hears who)s on the other line :Mit$hIseriouslyIwe)ve "een over this You don)t need to drive all the way down here Yes% she)s still $oming to stay with you% and she)ll "e good as new "y thenI< (hat would "e my dad% $alling Mom !or what)s "ordering on the millionth time sin$e last night She)s so preo$$upied with trying to #eep him $alm% she ignores the "uJJing o! our door"ell :I)ll get it%< Aram volunteers% as Aramps sits down on the edge o! my "ed% where I)m lying propped up against "oth my pillows :Dow)s my ;ipperinoC< he as#s :Sore Bishing Mom and Dad would $hill out already < Mom)s pa$ing in !ront o! my "edroom window% and on hearing me% she says% :Mit$h% give me a minute% o#ayC< She $overs the phone with her hand and wal#s out o! the room% and I hear her say to someone in the hall :(en minutes Aot itC She needs to rest < :Sure thing%< =ieran says to her over his shoulder as he $omes in Aramps stands up and sha#es =ieran)s hand :Dey there% =ieran < :Di% Mr Shipman Dope you don)t mind i! I spend a !ew minutes with ;ipC< Aramps pats =ieran on the "a$# :.! $ourse not I)ll give you two some priva$y < De leaves and $loses the door "ehind him% whi$h tells me that when Mom told my grandparents a"out the a$$ident% she must)ve le!t out the reason?or what she thinks is the reason ?=ieran and I ended up at the river last night .therwise% Aramps pro"a"ly wouldn)t "e so
eager to shut the "edroom door and leave us alone :So people in this town don)t "ring !lowers when they visit the si$#C< I as# as he sits down on the "ed% hoping he remem"ers the day we met Apparently he does% "e$ause he starts laughing :I ordered some online this morning%< he says :(he !lorist isn)t open on Sundays% "ut they should "e here tomorrow% i! you $an wait < :I thin# I)ll manage I)m not going anywhere !or a while% o"viously% so now I have something to loo# !orward to And you didn)t have to do that% "y the way < :Yes% I did%< he insists :It)s all part o! this spoiling@you thing I started last night >lus% you)re my superhero% remem"erC +uying you !lowers is pro"a"ly the least I $an do a!ter you res$ued me < :Some superhero%< I grum"le :I don)t thin# superheroes wre$# their mothers) $ars and end up in the hospital a!ter thwarting the "ad guy < :Minor details%< =ieran says% shrugging De leans in to #iss me% "ut he pulls "a$# when the door#no" $li$#s My mom% still ya##ing away on the phone% pushes the door open and $o$#s an eye"row at me that I meet with a heavy sigh as she pads "a$# down the hall :Bho)s your mom tal#ing toC< =ieran as#s% #eeping his voi$e down :She sounds pretty wor#ed up < :My dad (hose two are in rare !ighting !orm right now She)s trying to tal# him out o! $oming down here to $he$# up on me% and he)s "eing all guilty and upset and insistent ,i#e% what would he do i! he were hereC Sit and stare at me all dayC In two wee#s I)ll "e at his house !or a month% anyway% soI< :Bell% i! he does end up $oming% I)d li#e to meet him < I give him a wry smile :No% you wouldn)t (han#s to my mom% he thin#s you)re the guy
who was planning to ta#e his daughter)s virginity at the river "e!ore she ruined everything "y smashing up the $ar I)m guessing you)re not high on Dad)s list o! !avorite people right now < =ieran !rowns% o"viously disappointed :Bell% spea#ing o! what we weren(t doing at the river% all I told our parents was that we went to the "oat laun$h to "e alone (he restIwell% they #ind o! went there on their own I hope you #now I)d never disrespe$t you li#e that% espe$ially to our parents ,i#e I)d ever tal# a"out that with them anywayI< I than# him "y raising his hand to my lips :Awesome o! our parents to assume the worst a"out their own #ids%rom night is *ust too un"elieva"le !or them < :Yeah < =ieran grins :Autter minds (hey should "e ashamed o! themselves < :Although i! /ran# hadn)t shown up at the !arm% who #nows what $ould have happenedI< I mat$h his grin with !lirty one o! my own% and =ieran swallows up my wondering with a #iss that leaves my head swimming even more than it already is than#s to my $on$ussion A!ter he pulls away% he rea$hes his hand up to my !orehead to graJe the s#in near my "ump :Dow are you doingC< :+etter% a!ter that #iss Seriously% though% I)ve got a little heada$he and I)m sore everywhere I pro"a"ly won)t "e at s$hool !or a !ew days < I thin# I remem"er Mom saying something a"out my "eing $he$#ed !or internal in*uries !rom the seat "elt% whi$h "rings up the memory o! the "eeping heart monitor I was hoo#ed to last night :Are %ou o#ayC< I as#% rea$hing out to tou$h his $hest De doesn)t win$e% "ut instead $overs his hand with mine% his heart pounding against my palm :A little "ruised up% "ut I)m !ine%< he says% shi!ting his eyes away !rom mine to the !loor :+ut% there)s still some stu!! a"out what happened last night I need to tell you% i! you)re up to it <
De)s given me this opening% and I de$ide now)s as good a time as any to reveal the dreams I don)t thin# are $oin$iden$e anymore% espe$ially a!ter last night :I have something to tell you% too%< I whisper :,adies !irst < +reathing in% I start with :.#ay LmII)m not even sure how to e&plain this% "ut I)m pretty sure I #new something "ad was going to happen last night < :Bhat do you mean% you knewC< :III dreamed all o! it < =ieran stares at me and doesn)t say anything% so I $ontinue :Hight around our "irthday% I started having these dreams a"out the two o! us dan$ing at >rom and then all the lights went out I mean% what I was seeing happened at s$hool and not the Stanley /arm% "utIand I #ept having these dreams with sun"ursts?< :You #now% I draw sun"ursts a lot%< he points out% apparently su"s$ri"ing to =ayla)s :$oin$iden$e< theory% whi$h I 'ui$#ly shoot downE :+ut when I dream them% they)re in $olor% *ust li#e /ran#)s tattoo < =ieran s'ueeJes his eyelids shut :I dream them li#e that% too?in $olor < De opens his eyes and leans in to $radle my !a$e in his hands% $on!usion in his eyes :(his doesn)t ma#e any sense% though DowI< he "egins% "e!ore he)s stru$# with the answer :.h% Aod /ran#C You thin#I"ut how did heIC< :Hemind me to stop drin#ing so mu$h diet soda Apparently% it)s not good !or me < >ressing his lips to my !orehead% a sa!e distan$e !rom the "ump% he whispers against my s#in% :I $an)t "elieveIoh% AodII)m so% so sorry I! I)d had any idea hanging out with me would put you in danger o! ending upIli#e meII mean% =ayla has all these "at $rap $raJy theories a"out stu!!% "ut I never I<
:She told me?the poisoning and $ults and stu!! So I "rought up what I thought might "e happening with me% "ut "y the end o! the $onversation% she had me $onvin$ed I was *ust overrea$ting Now% I)m not so sure < =ieran lets out a ragged "reath% and I ta#e his hands in mine as "est I $an with a giant "andage around the !ingers o! my right hand :=ieran% I)m !ine%< I say impulsively% more $on$erned with ma#ing him !eel "etter than with whether what I)m saying is true or not :Dave you noti$ed anything elseC Sleeping or anythingC< he as#s% voi$e low so as not to tip o!! my mom or grandparents to our $onversation :No Fust the dreams I)ve written down everything I $an remem"er < I nod toward my des# :Ara" my laptop < =ieran $rosses the room and "rings the laptop "a$# with him to the edge o! the "ed Bith the inde& !inger o! my good hand% I log in and pull up the !ile $ontaining my dream des$riptions :Dere%< I tell him% the two o! us in a more te$hnologi$ally advan$ed version o! the day in his room with the "o&es !ull o! note"oo#s :Head < De ta#es a !ew minutes to s$roll through the entries% and I wat$h his !a$e $hange?his "row !urrowing and rela&ing% his lips tightening "e!ore spreading into a smile?depending on what he)s reading at the time :I li#e the one a"out me outside with the trees%< he says a!ter he)s !inished :It seemsIpea$e!ul or something < De s'ueeJes my hand and reviews the des$ription I)ve written o! him staring at the mountains one more time :Does anything seem !amiliar to youC< I as# him :Could "e North Carolina% I guess Not enough details And a lot o! what you)ve written here $ould have "een in!luen$ed "y things I)ve told you or that you read in my note"oo#s < So he)s "a$# to the =ayla ,anier Coin$iden$e (heory :=ieranIrom :;ip% you)re $learly des$ri"ing the gym here%< he says% pointing over the top o! the s$reen at lines I)ve written depi$ting the s$ore"oard draped with white lights :(here)s another one a!ter this where you)ve got us ne&t to the "lea$hers +ut the lights didn)t go out while we were in the gym < :SoC (hey still went out < :+ut they went out at the ,arm Bhen I dream% I don)t mess up details li#e that < Strangely insulted% I twist my mouth into a !rown :Auess I)m *ust not as good at this yet as you are < :(hat)s "e$ause it)s not happening to you%< he insists% shutting my laptop as i! doing so would put an end to the $onversation :And it)s not li#e you get "etter or worse at dreaming details over time (hings get $learer% may"e% "ut I always see the same detailsIthe right details < :=ieranI< De moves my laptop ne&t to us on the "ed and gathers me to him :;ip% listen?I)m not trying to tal# to tal# down to you% I swear +ut you)ve read my note"oo#s You)ve seen how this wor#s I dream these tiny s$enes o! things% these moments% "ut everything)s e&a$tly how I saw it when the s$ene happens later in real li!e And how do you thin# all o! my dreams endC< I open my mouth to sayII don)t #now what I)m going to say +ut =ieran answers his 'uestion "e!ore I $an "a""le out anything that may or may not ma#e sense :-verything *ust ends It all !ades to "la$#% *ust li#e your dream a"out >rom% or I wa#e up the middle o! something happening < I sit "a$#% still in his arms "ut !ar enough away that I $an study his !a$e% his *aw set with determination% his eyes glowing with $on!iden$e :So you don)t thin# /ran# got to meC< I as#
:I don)t thin# /ran# got to you%< he $on!irms% "e!ore shi!ting his gaJe to my laptop :I re,use to "elieve /ran# got to you < :(hose are two very di!!erent things% you #now%< I point out% putting a !inger underneath his $hin so I $an ease his !a$e "a$# in my dire$tion :He!using to "elieve something doesn)t automati$ally ma#e it untrue (rust me?I)ve "een trying not to "elieve this !or a !ew wee#s now% "ut a!ter last night% I *ust don)t #now < :Bell% may"e whether it)s true or not doesn)t matter < =ieran slips !rom my grasp and stands up% !ishing a !olded slip o! paper !rom his "a$# *eans po$#et :Bhat is thisC< I as# as he hands the paper to me :.pen it (his is what I didn)t get the $han$e to tell you a"out last night < I don)t hear my mom harping on my dad anymore% whi$h means she $ould "e $oming to #i$# =ieran out any se$ond now So I un!old the $rin#led paper and 'ui$#ly s$an its $ontentsE There are things %ou need to know/ We should meet/ Call as soon as %ou can/ Morgan/ Morgan)s pen$iled a phone num"er "elow the angular handwriting that reminds me o! =ieran)s :I !ound this last night when we were still at the river%< =ieran e&plains :I guess he slipped it into my tu&edo *a$#et while we were "oth out < :Dave you $alled him yetC< I as#% an&ious :Are you going toC< :I wanted to tell you !irst%< he says% sitting "a$# down ne&t to me% and sin$e he seems to "e loo#ing !or my opinion% I tell him what I thin# :Bell% i! he)d wanted to hurt you or #idnap you or whatever last night% he would have De had every $han$e% and he $alled !or help instead < :(hat)s what I was thin#ing < :I)m still a little s$ared !or you% though%< I admit :I mean% !rom everything your dad?
Fim% I mean?told us% the guy)s totally shady Bhat i! he)s trying to tri$# you or somethingC< :I #now%< =ieran agrees :.n the one hand% he)s my $raJy% drug@$oo#ing "iologi$al dad who didn)t give a $rap a"out me when I was a "a"y +ut on the other handI< :.n the other hand% he really got us out o! a "ad situation last night%< I !inish !or him :So whi$h Morgan do you thin# we)re dealing with here?Convi$ted /elon Morgan or He!ormed Criminal MorganC< :Bell% he #ept saying he wanted to ma#e things right%< =ieran points out :I! he)s serious% may"e we $an get him to give us the !ormula !or thisIstu!! and we $an !igure out how to treat meIor% us% may"e% i! it turns out that youI< =ieran moves his head "a$# and !orth as i! he)s trying to sha#e the thought that I)m having dreams right out o! his head I thin# "a$# to the night o! our "irthday% right "e!ore our !irst #iss% when he said he would gladly dump his sleeping disorder "ut had mi&ed !eelings a"out losing the dreams :You)re sure you want it all to go awayC< I as# :(he dreams% tooC +e$ause not too long ago% you weren)t so sure% remem"erC< :I #now%< he says% nodding :+ut we were tal#ing in hypotheti$als then% !or one thing I)d still sell my soul to "e a"le to go to sleep when I want to and wa#e up when I want to li#e a normal person < :And the dreamsC< De hit$hes his shoulders towards his ears :All I need to #now a"out the !uture is that you)re in it < Dis voi$e seems small and desperate somehow% so I pull him to me :.! $ourse% I)m in it%< I "reathe against his s#in% *ust "elow his ear :I)m not going anywhere?I promise < :-&$ept to your dad)s !or a month%< he grum"les
I lean "a$# against my pillows :-&$ept !or that +ut what I meant was% in the grander s$heme o! things% I)m not going anywhere I want to "e a part o! your !uture% =ieran < =ieran rea$hes out to tra$e the line o! my *aw with his inde& !inger :(hat)s all I need to #now I $an live without the dreams (he "est one already $ame true anyway < De loo#s away and out my window% the slight "lush in his $hee#s telling me he)s a little em"arrassed at what he)s *ust said% and I $an)t help "ut poun$e :Awww%< I tease :Dow is it you always #now the right thing to sayC< :+e$ause that)s *ust how I roll%< he says% loo#ing at me again with narrowed eyes :You #now me?Mr Suave < :Bell% Mr Suave% I thin# you should $all Morgan%< I tell him% returning us to the more important topi$ at hand :+ut I)m going with you% *ust in $ase something)s up < =ieran sha#es his head so intensely pain shoots through m% !orehead :;ip% $ome on?< I *ump in "e!ore he $an say anything else :I should "e o#ay enough to go with you i! he $an wait a !ew days Be)ll ta#e =ayla% too?sa!ety in num"ers < Dis $hest heaves in !rustration% "ut I persist :,oo#% I)m going whether you want me to or not De too# $are o! us last night% and I want to than# him in person It)d "e rude not to < -ven though I)m arguing with him% I)m smiling% and he *oins me% leading me to thin# !or a se$ond that I)ve won him over :Dow a"out i! I promise to send along your "est regardsC +ring him a than#@you $ard or somethingC< he says instead :=ieran%< I warn :Not tal#ing you out o! this% am IC< I don)t get to tell him :no%< "e$ause my mom po#es her head into the room :Sorry% =ieran?times up <
De nods at her and leans in to whisper% :I)ll $all you%< "e!ore giving me one last #iss on the !orehead De slips past my mom and out the "edroom door as she wal#s over to sit ne&t to me on the "ed :Did you get Dad $almed downC< I as# :I thin# I did this time%< she says% sighing :De)s $on$erned% o"viously% "ut there)s no sense in him ta#ing o!! wor# and driving here when he $an)t really do anything "ut sit around and "e in the way I reminded him he gets to worry a"out you all he wants in a !ew wee#s% and I(ll "e the one wondering i! you)re o#ay < :.h% please ,i#e you sit around all day while I)m at Dad)s and stress a"out me < Mom "rushes my "angs o!! my !a$e% $are!ul not to graJe my "ump :Bell% sure% I go to wor# and live my li!e% "ut you)re always in the "a$# o! my mind -ven when you)re here% that)s true You)ll get to e&perien$e this spe$ial "rand o! torture someday with your own #ids?*ust wait And don)t get me wrong% I totally trust your dad% "ut I always wonder i! he)s letting you stay out too late or get into situations where you $ould wind up in trou"le It)s hard giving up $ontrol% I guess < All this tal# o! $ontrol and wondering a"out "eing o#ay% and I $an)t help mysel! :Do you ever wish sometimes you $ould see into the !uture and #now what)s going to happenC< I as# Mom laughs a little and lightly stro#es my hair at the $rown :Bhat a weird 'uestion You)re sure you)re o#ayC< :I)m ,ine You were *ust saying stu!! a"out wondering what happens to me when I)m not hereI< I don)t !inish my thought% and Mom gaJes at the $eiling as i! she)s giving my idea serious $onsideration :You #now%< she starts% loo#ing at me again% :i! I $ould have seen into the !uture and
stopped everything that happened last night% I would)ve in a heart"eat +ut li#e I said% even though giving up $ontrol over your #id is hard% in some sense you ne+er have $ontrol I mean% I $an)t "e with you every minute o! the day < :And than# Aod !or that < I smile% prompting another sigh :As !ar as seeing the !uture% there are things in my li!e that turned out "adly enough that I pro"a"ly would)ve li#ed to #now they were $oming%< Mom $ontinues :(hen again% I would)ve missed out on so mu$h i! I $ould have $hanged things I! I)d #nown your dad and I were going to split up when we !irst started dating% may"e I would)ve saved mysel! some trou"le and not gotten involved at all +ut then we wouldn)t have had all the good times we had% and I wouldn)t have had you So I don)t thin# I)d want to !ind out what)s going to happen in the !uture "e$ause having everything !igured out #ind o! de!eats the whole point o! li!e It)s all a"out ta#ing the "ad with the good and learning !rom what happens < I swallow hard and thin# a"out how i! I)d given in to my !ears o! all the "ad I)d seen $oming last night% I would)ve stayed home and missed out on so mu$h good?tal#ing with my !riends at dinner% laughing at =ayla and +rad trying to dan$e% swaying in =ieran)s arms in the gym and at the Stanley /arm% !eeling him against me in the "a$#seat o! the Camaro "e!ore /ran# $ame along Not to mention !inding out Morgan ,evert may not "e the +oogey Man we thought he was :.#ay% now m% head hurts a!ter all that%< Mom says :You should pro"a"ly get some rest < (ired enough I $an)t argue% I rearrange my pillows with Mom)s help and slide down until the $overs meet my $hin :Sweet dreams% #iddo%< Mom whispers% #issing my !orehead "e!ore she stands and wal#s out% $losing the door "ehind her
Sweet dreams I hope so% Mom?I really do
Chapter 26
(he $lo$# on my nightstand tells me it)s nearly midnight -ven though I)m grounded% I)m getting ready to go out% and !or the !irst time in my li!e% I)m not using the !ront door :You)re sure you)re up to thisC< =ieran whispers !rom where he stands outside my "edroom window% whi$h !a$es the !ields at the "a$# o! the house My response is to sit down on the sill and swing my legs out% =ieran rea$hing to gra" me under the arms so he $an help me to the ground I inhale the night air into my lungs% my !irst taste o! the outside world in the wee#? almost to the hour?sin$e the a$$ident And although my head still a$hes sometimes% my legs are still "ruised% and my right hand)s still "andaged% stepping out into the dar#ness wor#s some instant therapeuti$ magi$ :Never !elt "etter < I smile% silen$ing =ieran)s groan at my response with a 'ui$# #iss :=ayla)s par#ed "y the roadC< I $he$# with him when we part :Fust li#e we planned Come on < =ieran ta#es my hand% and we start wal#ing in the dire$tion o! his house% "ut we turn toward the "la$#top on$e we)re a sa!e enough distan$e !rom my house anyone loo#ing out the windows wouldn)t "e a"le to see us against the night :Any trou"le getting over hereC< I as# :Nope .n$e =ayla put the $ar in gear% I *ust gave it a little push% and she was a"le to $oast all the way down to the road without starting it (han#s !or the tip < :No pro"lem < I sni$#er% #nowing my mom would regret telling me a"out how Fimmy M$Ca!!ery used to snea# out o! his house when they were our age i! she had any in#ling o! what I)m up to right now =ayla starts the Feep on$e she $at$hes sight o! us near the "la$#top She shoots me a
'ui$# :hi< as I $rawl into the "a$# seat% and a!ter =ieran "u$#les himsel! in on the passenger side% she revs the engine to ma#e the u@turn% her right !ront tire s#idding through the dirt on the shoulder "e!ore she straightens up to head down the road in the dire$tion o!% and then past% the ,anier house In minutes% =ayla)s slowing to ta#e the le!t turn onto the gravel path leading to the "oat laun$h :You might want to hit the "rights and ta#e this slow%< I suggest% not "othering to hide the sar$asm in my voi$e :Hoad)s #ind o! tri$#y < :So I)ve heard%< =ayla says% smir#ing at me in the rearview Be rum"le down the path at a"out !i!teen miles an hour% a speed that almost seems as i! we)re moving "a$#wards $ompared to the last time I drove down here Bithout any reminder% =ayla slows to a nearly $omplete stop and rolls over the !inal rut% $oasting us out to the "oat laun$h area% where she pulls over ne&t to the tree line at the le!t and turns the engine o!! a"out a minute "e!ore we)re s$heduled to meet Morgan ,evert :I still $an)t "elieve you thought meeting here was a good idea%< =ayla says as we gather ne&t to the passenger side o! the Feep% the still@"urning headlights $asting an eerie glow out on the river)s sur!a$e +oth =ieran and =ayla s'uint into the dar#ness ahead o! us% loo#ing !or Morgan to $ome wal#ing out o! the woods% "ut the water gra"s my attention% the tiny ripples revealing no hint o! /ran#)s $ar?or /ran#?resting on the muddy "ottom :Be needed to meet somewhere private we $ould all get to easily in the middle o! the night%< =ieran starts :I don)t remem"er %ou suggesting anypla$e "etter < =ieran swit$hes on the !lashlight he)s holding to reveal Morgan ,evert standing near the trees on the opposite end o! the "oat laun$h% near where the Camaro $ame to rest a!ter the a$$ident Dis sudden appearan$e% as i! he)s a stain only visi"le under in!rared light% ma#es my s#in $rawl
:,ight)s in my eyes% you #now%< he yells over at us% and =ieran instead angles the !lashlight towards his own !a$e Morgan pulls a smaller% pen@siJed !lashlight !rom his *eans po$#et and holds it under his $hin% prompting =ayla and I to !ish our phones out o! our *a$#et po$#ets% allowing the lit@up home s$reens to show our !a$es to Morgan De ta#es a !ew steps toward us% "ut as soon as he)s more than hal!way a$ross the gravel% =ayla holds out her hand and yells :StopM Don)t $ome any $loser < (o my surprise% Morgan does e&a$tly as she says :Your sisterC< he as#s =ieran :Yeah < :I)m here to ma#e sure you don)t try anything%< =ayla says% $ompletely serious even though Morgan)s so solidly "uilt he)d pro"a"ly "e a"le to snap her in hal! i! he wanted :You stay over there% we)ll stay over here% and the se$ond things even loo# li#e they might go "ad% we)re in the $ar and we)re gone Aot itC< :Aot it%< Morgan responds% a smile visi"le through his s$ru!!y !a$ial hair And to =ieranE :Bay to go% man ,oo#s li#e you)ve got two women willing to #i$# ass !or you < Morgan)s $omment #ind o! $on!uses me and doesn)t do anything to ease my nerves over "eing down here with him% "ut I don)t get mu$h o! a $han$e to dwell on things as he says :(han# you !or loo#ing out !or my son?"oth o! you < De nods towards =ayla "e!ore turning to me =ieran "ristles ne&t to me on hearing Morgan $all him his son% "ut I)m more interested right now in learning whatever it is Morgan wants to tell us :(han#s !or helping us a!ter the a$$ident%< I say% hoping I)ll prompt him to #eep tal#ing Morgan puts his !ree hand in his *eans po$#et and "o"s up and down on his worn wor# "oots% the light swimming in !ront o! his !a$e ma#ing me wooJy :Delping was the least I $ould do sin$e I pretty mu$h caused the a$$ident%< he notes :I was driving the Dodge < I lean "a$#
against the Feep% trying to steady mysel! as Morgan says :You su$#er pun$hed /ran#ie +oy real good De was lu$#y he remem"ered his own name So he sure as hell wasn)t in any shape to drive ,u$#y he had me as his getaway driver?*ust li#e old times < =ieran)s hand $loses over mine% and a searing pain rises in my temple I get a "rie! memory !lash o! pressing up against Morgan)s damp shirt the night o! the wre$#% whi$h ma#es sense now?he went into the river with the $ar :You said there were things we needed to #now%< =ieran says% voi$e hard :Be)re here So tal# You $an start with what the hell you were doing driving !or /ran# DoJier < :Bell% I need to go "a$# a !ew months%< Morgan e&plains% as =ieran leans up against the $ar and slumps a little% an indi$ation we might lose him to sleep any minute now /ighting through my own grogginess% I start s'ueeJing his hand rhythmi$ally% hoping the a$tion is enough to #eep him with us :I)m assuming Fim ,anier told you a"out everything that happened all those years agoC< Morgan says% as i! KFim ,anier) is some stranger and not =ayla and =ieran)s !ather :Yeah%< =ayla responds :.#ay% then < Morgan stro#es his $hin as i! he)s !iguring out the "est pla$e to "egin his story :A"out three wee#s ago% I)m in New Yor# at a !riend)s and the prison !orwards me a letter !rom /ran#% postmar#ed !rom here% telling me i! I had any idea what was good !or me% I)d get mysel! to Illinois pronto "e$ause he)d !ound my son Now% let)s *ust say /ran# and I weren)t e&a$tly "est !riends "y the time we got sent up I "lamed him !or Fenna getting #illed?< .n$e again% =ieran "ristles% this time on hearing his mother)s name I let go o! his hand and put my phone "a$# in my po$#et so I $an wrap my arms around him% "oth to $om!ort him and to try to #eep him awa#e Seeing this% Morgan pauses :De o#ayC<
:I)m !ine%< =ieran insists :=eep tal#ing < :.#ay So I "lamed /ran# !or Fenna and he "lamed me !orIwellIpretty mu$h everything /ran# and I didn)t have a whole hell o! a lot to live !or when we went in% and we were going to have even less on$e we got out +ut we "oth #new I had youIsomewhere < Morgan)s and =ieran)s eyes lo$# on ea$h other% almost Jom"ie@li#e in the glow o! their !lashlights :I didn)t need to read "etween the lines to realiJe /ran# was threatening meI threatening %ouIand so I wrote and told him I was $oming De was using a post o!!i$e "o&% "ut when he wrote the ne&t time% he gave me dire$tions to an a"andoned trailer a !ew miles outside town where he was staying < Morgan lowers his eyes to the gravel and then raises them again% "ut his gaJe is somewhere in the distan$e :I don)t #now what Fim told you a"out us meeting years ago% "ut I)m not that person anymore%< he insists :Bhen I went in% I had years o! nothing in !ront o! me% and I was hopeless and "itter !or a long time I did almost !i!teen years% and I wasted a lot o! those years "eing angry over things I $ouldn)t do anything a"out +ut a!ter a whileII a$$epted my !ate% I guess% !or la$# o! a "etter way o! putting it And I #new that i! I $ould avoid getting #illed or doing something stupid to get time added on to my hit$h% someday I)d get out% and I)d need to "e ready !or li!e on the other side So I got some $ounseling% too# $lasses?< :/ound FesusC< =ayla interrupts% her voi$e dripping sar$asm Morgan ignores her and turns "a$# to =ieran and me :Bhat I)m saying is% I was twenty@ two when I went in I)m thirty@seven now (oo# a while and a lot o! wor#% "ut I grew up And a!ter I got over mysel!% the last thing I wanted was to inter!ere with your li!e I)d done enough damage% and Fim ,anier would give you a "etter li!e than I ever would < Morgan !o$uses his attention on a large pie$e o! gravel he starts rolling around with the toe o! his "oot :I was never
a real !ather to you% #id% even in the short time we were together (he "est way to honor your mother and do right "y you was to stay the hell away and start my li!e over when I got out < :Lntil /ran#%< I !inish !or him :Lntil /ran# < De sighs% still #i$#ing at the ro$#s :/ran# was in the *oint upstate at this pla$e where there was a riot last yearIreal sorry situation with inmates and guards hurt "ad and one guy #illed De told his lawyer he $ould !inger the guys who started the whole thing i! he got a deal Dis lawyer wor#ed out a prote$tive $ustody agreement and got him out o! state a!ter he ratted .n$e the rest o! his senten$e was $ommuted% he headed straight !or North Carolina < :,oo#ing !or usC< =ayla as#s% $on!used :Dow did he !ind out we were thereC< :/ran# said his lawyer #new Fim had 'uit wor#ing !or the Distri$t Attorney)s o!!i$e a!ter we got sent up and that he)d moved to North Carolina No idea how his lawyer !ound out% "ut i! I learned anything in prison% it)s that you $an !ind out whatever you need to #now a"out people in those $ir$les i! you *ust as# the right person% and sometimes% i! you "ri"e them Bouldn)t have "een too hard !or any"ody to !ind out e&a$tly where you were Dell% I might)ve told some people a!ter that time Fim $ame to tal# to me and the in!ormation wor#ed its way upstate to /ran#?who #nowsC< I try to sort out in my addled "rain everything Morgan)s telling us% and what he)s saying ma#es sense?when Fim moved the !amily the !irst time% they weren)t in any danger% so they didn)t need to "e as se$retive as they were when they $ame here As i! he $an read my thoughts% Morgan as#s% :Mind i! I as# how you guys ended up in this "a$#water anywayC /ran# was stumped on that one?he told me he showed up in Asheville and ne&t thing he #nows% you)re moving here and he)s !ollowing < :(he dreams%< =ieran "lurts out :I was seeing you My mom and dad?<
Now Morgan !lin$hes I noti$e his shoulders hun$hing up at =ieran)s mention o! the word :dad%< and =ieran must% too% "e$ause he $orre$ts himsel! :(he .aniers% I mean That mom and dad (hey thought my dreams meant you were headed to North Carolina to !ind me < Morgan nods in understanding as =ayla hisses at =ieran% low enough Morgan wouldn)t "e a"le to hear :Are you seriousl% trusting this guyC< :(he !ormula% =ayla%< =ieran reminds her through his teeth :Be need to get him to give us the !ormula < Morgan doesn)t $at$h the si"lings) side $onversation a"out =ieran)s ultimate goal !or this meeting% and he almost tal#s over them :So you were running away !rom the wrong guy%< he says% a tiny smile on his lips :Auess so%< =ieran mum"les% having shut =ayla up !or the moment Morgan sha#es his head and $ontinues e&plaining to =ieran how we)ve all ended up where we are right now :I get here% and turns out% /ran# used you to "ait me See% "a$# in New Yor#% /ran# never #new how to ma#e the stu!! thatImade you the way you are De was always a user?never wanted to do the dirty wor#% only $ame around when the "at$hes were already $oo#ed up So the deal was% I either give him the !ormula and help him get what he needed to $oo# it up and sell it% or he)d hurt you I wrap my arms even more tightly around =ieran as Morgan $ontinues :I tal#ed him into a new plan% though I said% K,et)s gra" the #id and go "a$# to New Yor# ) I told him I #new guys with $onne$tions to people who would pro"a"ly pay "ig money !or the re$ipe and to do resear$h on someone li#e =ieran No need to get our hands dirty "eing drug dealers .ne "ig sale to the right people and we)d "e set !or li!e .n$e I told him the #id had the "la$#outs li#e we used to% plus the sleeping thing and the dreams% /ran# was all in .! $ourse% I was lying a"out #nowing
any"ody% though "etween the two o! us% /ran# and I "oth pro"a"ly #now enough shady people we wouldn)t have had to wor# too hard to !ind some"ody $onne$ted < De shrugs% a smile playing a"out his lips that almost ma#es him seem proud to #now the people he does (hen he 'ui$#ly so"ers up% saying to =ieran% :I)d never hurt you% #id You don)t have mu$h reason to "elieve me when I say I)ve $hanged% "ut it)s the truth < Morgan loo#s out at the river !or a long se$ond "e!ore revealing his "iggest surprise :(he thing o! it is% I don)t even #now how to ma#e the stu!! /ran# would)ve #illed "oth me and you !or sure i! he)d !ound that one out < =ieran)s "ody sla$#ens in my arms% and I gra" his !lashlight and lean my !ull weight against the Feep to #eep us upright :Bhat do you mean% you don)t #nowC< he "reathes .n$e again% Morgan drops his gaJe :I used to use the stu!! a lot% too% remem"erC (he "la$#outsIthere are whole $hun#s o! things !rom that period that are $ompletelyIgone Dow to ma#e the stu!! is one o! them% and that was more Fenna)s deal anyway I messed around mi&ing stu!! here and there% "ut she(s the one who hit on the a$tual !ormula !or what we were using? that mu$h% I)m sure o! Sometimes% I get "its and pie$es o! memories when I thin# "a$#I< My head starts to pound as the truth ta#es shape I! /ran# had no $lue how to mi& up the drug% he $ouldn)t have "een drugging me at the diner =ayla% was right all along% and so was =ieran?my dreams were nothing more than $oin$iden$es% symptoms o! reading =ieran)s *ournals and o! my own an&ieties :So% you weren)t lying all those years ago when you told my dad you didn)t remem"er how to ma#e it%< =ieran states% the !latness in his voi$e "etraying his disappointment :No% and that)s one o! the !ew times in my li!e at that point I wasn(t lying a"out something You% me% and /ran#?we were the only eviden$e le!t the stu!! ever e&isted% and now /ran#)s dead <
:(han#s to me%< I $an)t help "ut inter*e$t Morgan sha#es his head :(han#s to me I was stringing /ran# along% telling him I)d help him get =ieran and we)d go "a$# to New Yor# to meet my $onta$t Be)d tried a !ew times to gra" the #id% "ut he was never alone (he night we saw you two at that !arm% we !igured we had our "est $han$e You guys got in your $ar and I drove around to the !ar side o! the !ield /ran# thought he)d *ust gra" the #id and run% and we)d "e gone "e!ore you even #new what hit Dum"ass didn)t $ount on you $at$hing up with him < My lips $url into a smile as Morgan $ontinues the story :So my plan was !or /ran# to $ome "a$# to the $ar with =ieran% we)d get out o! town% and I)dIget rid o! /ran# somewhere and "ring =ieran home < :You were going to #ill him%< =ayla says% !illing in the "lan#s :.nly i! I had to% and I)m guessing I would)ve had to?anything to #eep you out o! danger%< he says to =ieran :+ut that)s "eside the point now < Morgan)s shi!ts his eyes to the river)s sur!a$e% glossy and "la$# save !or the small se$tion "eing lit "y =ayla)s headlights :A!ter you $lo$#ed /ran#% he was so pissed%< he tells me% !lashing a smile :/ran# never was one to stand !or getting one@upped "y a $hi$# So% o! $ourse% he wanted to !ollow you so we $ould gra" =ieran and mess you up good < I don)t even want to #now what :mess you up good< might mean% "e$ause the nightmares I)m pro"a"ly going to have a"out that night !or the rest o! my li!e will already "e "ad enough So I swallow down the "ile "uilding up in my throat and let Morgan $ontinue :I did the whole $ar $hase !or /ran#)s "ene!it I !igured you)d "e smart enough not lead us "a$# to town% "ut even i! you did% I was going to turn o!! somewhere deserted so I $ould do whatever I needed to do to /ran# to end the whole thing You pulled down that gravel road% and
it was almost li#e you were reading my mind I thought there had to "e somewhere out there in the woods I $ould pull o!! I didn)t !igure there)d "e a river at the "ottom o! the path < :(hat was m% plan < I say Morgan nods and goes on :A!ter we went into the water% I opened the window and $rawled out "e!ore we were too !ar under No way /ran# had the strength to swim% pro"a"ly wasn)t even enough in his right might to un"u$#le the seat "elt You didn)t #ill him% little girl I did I let him drown I had to get "a$# to shore and help you #ids Bhile I was wal#ing you around% I made sure we shu!!led the dirt and the tire tra$#s enough no"ody)d noti$e any signs o! another $ar (he am"ulan$e driving over everything helped% too .n$e you two got o!! to the hospital% I $ame "a$# out o! the woods and smoothed over the gravel some more "e!ore the tow tru$# showed up /ran# and I were never there as !ar as anyone)s $on$erned < De shrugs his shoulders% his demeanor almost hum"le :Auess i! I #now how to do one thing real well% it)s $over up a $rime s$ene < =ieran)s head grows heavier against me% and I glan$e over at =ayla :=ayIumII thin# he)sI< =ayla puts her arms around =ieran as well% and together we lower him to the ground% leaning his !rame against the Feep)s rear tire I sit down ne&t to him and $radle him to me :Can I helpC< Morgan as#s I loo# up Morgan)s ta#en a !ew steps toward to us% his !a$e twisted in $on$ern% "ut =ayla)s !lat voi$e stops him !rom $oming any $loser :Be)re !ine < Morgan nods% his mouth a tight line De)s o"viously a little disappointed =ayla won)t let him get $lose to his son% and I $an)t help "ut !eel "ad !or him% espe$ially now we #now everything he did to ma#e sure /ran# didn)t hurt =ieran
:Bhat happens nowC< I as# him :Do you plan on sti$#ing aroundC< :No% no% no < De sha#es his head :=id)s got a li!e here% and I)m not part o! that (his is the last you)ll ever see o! me < De seems to "e loo#ing at =ayla as he says :(his is the last you)ll ever see o! me < :I)ve got your phone num"er%< =ieran points out% "ut Morgan dismisses him :>re@paid phone?already dumped it So don)t try to stay in tou$h Don)t really #now why you)d want to < De resumes loo#ing down at the gravel and #i$#ing at it with his "oot :,oo#?you might !eel li#e you owe me something !or helping you out% "ut you don)t (here)s nothing I $ould ever do !or you to ma#e up !or all the "ad I)ve done And now that I)ve e&plained everything that went down% here isn)t my pla$e You)ve got your li!e% and I need to get on with !iguring out mine < An aw#ward silen$e passes "e!ore Morgan loo#s up and says% :So long% #id%< and shuts o!! his !lashlight As he shu!!les away a$ross the gravel% =ieran sits up in my arms and leans !orward :Dey%< he yells into the dar#ness% and the shu!!ling stops :YeahC< :Bhat)s my real name% anywayC< I $an "arely ma#e out Morgan)s shape in the distan$e% his !a$e momentarily lit up "y the !lash o! a lighter% leaving the glowing em"ers on the end o! a $igarette "ehind :Morgan%< he mum"les% his smo#e dangling !rom his mouth :Sorry% #id Fenna)s !ault Said she always wanted a Morgan around in $ase anything ever happened to me < Morgan turns and the em"er disappears% his !eet $run$hing the gravel again In se$onds% the only noises are the "reeJe whistling through the trees% the !aint lapping o! water against the ro$#s% and =ieran whispering in my ear :I thin# I li#e K=ieran) "etter < I smile% even though he pro"a"ly $an)t see me in the dar#ness :Me% too <
Chapter 27
Hain pelts the Feep)s windows as =ieran and I huddle together in the "a$#seat "e!ore s$hool on Monday% my !irst day "a$# a!ter the a$$ident =ayla)s generously gone inside to do some wor# in the li"rary% allowing us a !ew pre$ious moments alone sin$e I)m still grounded and we)re all too aware that our time together will "e $oming to an end !or a while when I leave !or my dad)s right a!ter s$hool lets out :So when you get "a$# in Fuly% I want you to start tea$hing me how to play "as#et"all More than the "asi$s% I mean%< =ieran tells me at the end o! a long #iss :,i#e% tea$h you to run plays and stu!!C< :I)m not sure I $an a$tually run plays without going head@!irst into the $ourt% so may"e *ust diagram stu!! !or me or something Your mom e&plained a !ew things to me at your Hegional game% "ut I want to understand the !iner points "etter so I #now everything that)s happening when I wat$h you < :My mom "arely understands anything "eyond !ive players trying to put a round "all through a hoop% so I wouldn)t trust whatever she told you%< I tell him a!ter giving him a #iss on the $hee# in than#s !or wanting to learn a"out su$h an important part o! my li!e :I $ould pro"a"ly tea$h you to shoot !ree throws or something% though You wouldn)t have to move around as mu$h% and I)d "e a"le to stand ne&t to you in $ase you thought you were going to pass out And may"e I $an draw out some o! the sets we run and stu!! li#e that < :(hat would "e awesome It)d "e even more awesome i! you weren)t going to your dad)s at all and we $ould start my "ig *o$# ma#eover now < I snuggle into him% resting my head on his shoulder :I)ll "e gone !or a month You won)t even miss me <
:.h% I)ll miss you I! I #now anything% I #now that < Dearing him say he #nows he)ll miss me% I $an)t help "ut as# a"out the su"*e$t we)ve "een avoiding sin$e we met with Morgan on Saturday night :Spea#ing o! #nowing things% are you upset I)m notIyou #nowIlike youC As !ar as the dreams% I mean < :Never in a million years%< he says% his voi$e sin$ere De s'uirms so he $an loo# at me dire$tly and as# :BhyC Are youC< I)ve thought a"out this a lot sin$e Saturday% and while I)m sure I wasn)t !ully prepared to deal with the possi"le $onse'uen$es o! dreaming a"out the !uture !or the rest o! my li!e% I was willing to learn to live with it% *ust li#e =ieran At the same time% thoughI :No%rom night "ut I didn)t #now enough to stop it was pretty s$ary < I pause !or a moment% and =ieran loo#s down at me :+utI< he prompts :+ut% on the other hand% there)s #ind o! this weird disappointment% too I mean% the dreaming thing is no *o#e% and I get that% "utIwe would)ve shared something with ea$h other we didn)t share with anyone else Dow many people $an say thatC< =ieran runs his hand up and down my !orearm :;ip% we share everything that matters Be laugh at the same things% we li#e the same "oo#sI< De gathers me to him :And we)ll share other things +etter things I promise < Dis promise is "arely o!! his lips when I raise my mouth to his (he temptation to as# i! he)s seen glimpses o! these "etter things gnaws at me every "it as mu$h as the a$he !or him that grows ea$h time we #iss% "ut I ignore it I have no $lue what)s $oming in the !uture% "ut at least I #now I have him% along with a $aring !amily% great !riends% good grades% and a realisti$ shot at a
title in a sport I love to play% all o! whi$h is more than some people get in a li!etime% whether they #now what)s $oming or not :And you)re really o#ay with the !a$t that Morgan $an)t save you% or whateverC< I as# !or the millionth time sin$e we !ound out Saturday night that no one alive #nows the !ormula !or the drug that made =ieran the way he is And while he)s assured me that he)s !ine% this is the !irst time I)ve as#ed when I $an see his !a$e :It is what it is%< he says% the $orners o! his mouth turned down as he shrugs :I mean% I)m disappointed% "ut it is what it is I)ve never #nown anything else% so I guess I)ll live It)s li#eI< De ru"s his thum" along the top o! my hand% !rowning as he thin#s :It)s li#e you and "as#et"all You $an)t remem"er a time when you didn)t #now how to play% rightC It)s *ust a part o! you < :(rue < I nod% although the analogy doesn)t totally hold up I like my a"ilities% while =ieran usually seems annoyed "y or outright !rightened "y his :So we "oth have our own set o! powers%< he notes :.nly yours are superpowers and mine aren)t@so@superpowers < :+eing good at "as#et"all isn)t a superpower Lnless you)re Mi$hael Fordan < =ieran puts his !ist under my $hin to li!t my head :Dey?ta#e a $ompliment !or on$e% o#ayC Fust a$$ept that I thin# you $an leap tall "uildings in a single "ound < I roll my eyes and e&hale :.h% !ine%< I start% and even i! I did want to protest !urther% =ieran ends the moment with a 'ui$# #iss "e!ore pulling away !rom me so he $an pull his phone !rom his po$#et :Be)d "etter get going%< he groans a!ter $he$#ing the time Bith a heavy sigh% I slip into my vinyl rain *a$#et and raise the hood =ieran)s already warned me that in my a"sen$e% word had gotten around that I was now (he Airl Bho Bre$#ed
Der Car Driving Der +oy!riend to the Hiver to Doo# Lp% a lengthy title I)m not thrilled a"out "ut am totally willing to a$$ept to sin$e it)s so mu$h less impossi"le to e&plain than the truth I open the door% $rawling out into the storm "e!ore =ieran :.#ay%< I yell against the sheets o! rain% slinging my "a$#pa$# up on one shoulder :,et)s do this < Dand in hand% we run toward the side entran$e% "a$#pa$#s "oun$ing against our "a$#s ,u$#y !or me and my new!ound so$ial status as a $ar@wre$#ing slut% the par#ing lot is almost empty o! students sin$e we)re *ust a !ew minutes !rom the warning "ell% the !ew people who are still outside huddled under um"rellas and hidden under *a$#et hoods .n$e we)ve rea$hed the dou"le doors% we stand aside to let some sophomores go into the "uilding ahead o! us% and we)re alone again =ieran leans in !or one last #iss% my hood !alling o!! as I angle my !a$e up to his :HeadyC< he as#s when we part% his hand on the door :No +ut it)s not li#e I have a $hoi$e% rightC< =ieran grins and opens the door !or me I step through and *og up the !ew stairs% =ieran !alling in ne&t to me% and we start down the hall toward whatever)s waiting !or us -ND ./ +..= .N-
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
(han#s to my !riends and !amily% who support me not *ust in my writing% "ut also in whatever li!e throws my way In parti$ular% I)d li#e to than# Sta$ey M$Namara% who has read early dra!ts o! most o! my wor# and still li#es me anyway I)d also li#e to than# Cleo% the greatest $at in the universe% who sits on my lap when I write and never $omplains that she)d rather "e doing something else A"ove all% I)d li#e to than# my hus"and% Death% whose un$onditional love #eeps me going and gives me the $on!iden$e that I $an !inish whatever I start
Ex erpt !r"# A$ %"& Wa'e ()* %"&r Drea#$ +2, Chapter 1

:-le$tri$< is not a word I would ever use to des$ri"e my hometown% (itusville% Illinois% a dot on the map with three stoplights and more $hur$hes than "ars And I de!initely wouldn)t des$ri"e (itusville FuniorGSenior Digh% whi$h has !ewer than si& hundred students even in$luding all the *unior high mun$h#ins in the s$hool)s west wing% as anything "eyond aggressively "oring +ut today% the se$ond I lo$# hands with my "oy!riend =ieran ,anier in the s$hool par#ing lot% I !eel a spar# that)s more than what usually passes through me when I tou$h him (here)s a $ra$#le in the air% a hum and a "uJJ passing !rom person to person as they stand gossiping on the asphalt% and I get the sense whatever e&$itement)s !loating around has almost nothing to do with today "eing the last day o! s$hool :Bhat do you thin# that(s all a"outC< =ieran)s sister =ayla as#s me% *oining =ieran and me as we stand "ehind her Feep and wat$h a $rowd gather around Cassie New"aum and Cody Dull% who are $urrently ma#ing their annual attempt at a romanti$ relationship Cody !lails his hands around as i! he)s telling some parti$ularly wild story% "ut he soon disappears !rom my view $ompletely as more and more people *oin them where they stand "y the entran$e to the !oot"all !ield :No $lue < I respond Still holding =ieran)s hand% I wal# us toward the group% =ayla trailing "ehind :;ipM< Cassie $alls out on$e she noti$es us% using the ni$#name that)s stu$# with me sin$e $hildhood than#s to my speed on the "as#et"all $ourt A !orward on the team !or whi$h I)m the starting point guard% Cassie)s tall enough to see over almost everyone surrounding her She pushes past a
!ew people and stops in !ront o! me outside the throng still gathered around her "oy!riend :Dey% did you guys hearC< she as#s% "reathless =ayla% =ieran% and I sha#e our heads in unison :(hey !ound Cody)s $ar yesterday < I tilt my head at her "e$ause I)m o"viously supposed to have some idea o! what she)s tal#ing a"out% "ut I don)t And sin$e =ieran and =ayla spend most o! their time with me and the three o! us are pretty gossip@allergi$ in general% they)re $lueless as well :.h% my Aod It was stolen% remem"erC< Cassie hu!!s% rolling her eyes at me "e$ause I)m "ehind on the latest news around s$hool !or appro&imately the millionth time in the history o! our !riendship Bith Cassie)s reminder% the story $omes "a$# to me Mr Dull had loaned Cody his +ui$# on >rom night so he $ould drive Cassie to the dan$e in a hal!way de$ent $ar Bhile they were gone% some"ody stole Cody)s "eater out o! the garage ne&t to the "arn% and the Dulls never suspe$ted a thing until Cody got home and dis$overed his $ar was missing In a town where $rime is "asi$ally limited to people $oo#ing meth in run down houses and trailers out "y the interstate% some"ody)s $ar getting *a$#ed was "ig time news Cody remained (itusville)s +ig /rea#ing Deal only until I returned to s$hool a!ter my own >rom@related automotive misadventures% whi$h resulted in a $on$ussion% some $uts and "ruises% and a grounding !rom my mother that will e&pire when I leave Sunday to spend Fune with my dad near Chi$ago (he past two wee#s mar# the !irst time in my seventeen years I)ve "een grounded "e$ause as a student@athlete% I need to avoid "eing a total s$rew@up And I)m not one now% te$hni$ally +ut my mom% who does her "est "ut pro"a"ly won)t "e as#ed to write arti$les !or parenting magaJines anytime soon% !elt the urge to e&ert some $ontrol over me a!ter I wre$#ed
her vintage Camaro on >rom night driving down to the river with =ieran to hoo# up .r that)s what she belie+es% anyway .nly =ieran% =ayla% and =ieran)s "iologi$al dad% an e&@$on named Morgan ,evert% #now the $ompli$ated truth A!ter >rom% =ieran and I were trying to get away !rom Morgan)s !ormer partner@in@ $rime% /ran# DoJier% a!ter he tried to #idnap =ieran at an a!ter@>rom party Be later learned we were also es$aping !rom Morgan% sin$e he was driving the Dodge Charger that was $hasing us as part o! his plan to $onvin$e /ran# they were wor#ing together to ma#e o!! with my "oy!riend /or a "rie! moment% /ran# DoJier must have realiJed he)d "een s$rewed over% *ust "e!ore Morgan $rawled out o! the $ar and le!t him% semi@$ons$ious !rom the pun$h I leveled to get =ieran out o! his $lut$hes% to sin# with the Dodge to the "ottom o! the Byatt Hiver So% letting "oth my mother and =ieran)s parents "elieve I)m a se&@$raJed teenager who needs to stay away !rom her "oy!riend "e!ore she wre$#s her reputation in addition to the $ar is simpler than trying to e&plain how =ieran)s supposed nar$olepsy is really an unde!ined sleeping disorder $ausing him to dream "its and pie$es o! !uture events My allegedly raging hormones ma#e more sense than the !a$t that =ieran)s $ondition was $aused "y a drug Morgan)s girl!riend $oo#ed up and ingested during her pregnan$y% a drug that provo#ed su$h severe "la$#outs Morgan $an)t remem"er the !ormula now that she)s dead And my apparent drive to lose my virginity is de!initely easier to understand than /ran# DoJier)s wish to ma#e said drug and sell it And while I do hope to lose my virginity to =ieran ,anier one day% my ultimate goal is to #eep his se$rets and prote$t him so that at some point he)s around to do the deed?and anything else he hopes to a$$omplish in his li!e :Bhere)d they !ind itC< I as# Cassie a"out Cody)s $ar :In the river "y that "oat laun$h near your house Some guys were out there !ishing and
they ran up on it with their "oat < Der haJel eyes !lash as i! she)s telling the Areatest Story -ver as I !eel my eyes widen in pani$ In the ri+er b% that boat launch =ieran tightens his grip on my shoulder and% "ehind me% I hear =ayla draw in a tiny "reath I de$ide to put the three o! us out o! our $olle$tive misery "y *ust as#ing the 'uestionE :.#ay% remind me Bhat #ind o! $ar did Cody drive againC< :Dodge Charger < Cassie darts her eyes to the heavens as i! she)s o!!ended "y the ma#e and model :(otal an$ient pie$e o! $rap% so it)s not li#e he)s going to get any money !or it < :Did they !ind anything in itC< I as#% !ighting to #eep my voi$e level Cassie snorts :Bhat?li#e a dead "odyC< Yes% Cass?e1actl% li#e a dead "ody :(hey didn)t !ind anything% or anyone% in the $ar%< Cassie $ontinues right over my than#!ully silent thoughts :(he windows were rolled down% so whoever was in there got out "e!ore it san# too deep Cops thin# some twea#ers stole it !or a *oy ride and then ran it o!! into the river when they were done < :Bow%< =ayla says% her voi$e !ull o! a sho$# and surprise only =ieran and I would re$ogniJe as !a#e :(hat)s messed up < :I #now% rightC< Cassie agrees% rolling her eyes :I)m going $ar shopping with Cody a!ter he gets his insuran$e $he$#% whi$h I assume will "e the highlight o! my summer out here in +oringville < =ieran)s "ody sla$#ens against mine% and I sense he)s a"out to have a sleeping episode "rought on "y the sho$# o! what Cassie)s *ust told us In !a$t% I)m a little surprised I(m still standing upright at the moment% "ut I remain $alm and turn to put an arm around him to wal# us
a !ew !eet away to the s$hool "uilding)s outer wall :You o#ayC< I whisper% rea$hing out to smooth some strands o! his "la$# hair "ehind his ear a!ter we sit down De)s so $lose to sleep his eyes are little more than straight lines on his pale s#in :Yeah < De leans in $loser so no one else would "e a"le to hear him :Auess some"ody was going to !ind that $ar eventually% huhC< I s'ueeJe his hand as I loo# up at =ayla wal#ing toward us (he group surrounding Cody "rea#s up% and the sound o! the warning "ell in!orming us we have !ive minutes to get to our !irst e&am rever"erates around the par#ing lot Bhile =ieran has spe$ial permission to ta#e his tests alone in the main o!!i$e so he $an use all the time he needs% =ayla and I have the two hours o! hell #nown as our trigonometry e&am awaiting us Be help =ieran inside and hal!@wal#% hal!@ drag him down the hallway past the musi$ rooms and lo$#er rooms% depositing him in the main o!!i$e where he !alls asleep as soon as his "utt hits Mrs Aillette)s $hair at her administrative assistant)s des# :Aood lu$#% girlsM< Mrs Aillette $alls a!ter us as we "olt out o! the o!!i$e and down the hall% entering our trig $lass with *ust se$onds to spare (he "ell sounds as we head toward seats in the "a$# o! the room% and I spend the ne&t two hours% and the two hours in my /ren$h !inal a!terward% in (he ;one% treating my e&ams as i! I)m "ringing the "all up $ourt in the middle o! a game% "lo$#ing out the e&traneous noise that in this $ase is all in my mind instead o! the gym An image o! /ran# DoJier% with his sneer and swollen eyes and stupid "ald head% swims in !ront o! my !a$e a !ew times% "ut in ea$h instan$e I)m a"le to sha#e him o!!% re!o$using on the trig pro"lem or translation at hand A!ter my /ren$h !inal% I stum"le upstairs to ma#e sure I)d $leaned everything out o! my
lo$#er yesterday a!ternoon and !ind only a metal $avern remains where "oo#s% note"oo#s% doodles !rom =ieran% and pi$tures o! my !riends used to "e My *unior year is o!!i$ially over% and given what we learned a"out /ran# DoJier this morning% part o! me wonders i! I)m going to "e alive long enough to "e a senior :Dow)d you doC< =ayla)s voi$e $hirps "ehind me as I shut the lo$#er !or the last time and sha#e o!! my mor"id thoughts :(rig was trig% "ut /ren$h went o#ay% I guess Dow was SpanishC< :,o$o@indu$ing < :I don)t thin# that)s entirely Spanish < :Bhatever I)m *ust glad it)s over < Be drag ourselves past our whooping $lassmates% who stu!! note"oo# pages and handouts into already over!lowing re$y$ling "ins and yell to ea$h other a"out a!ternoon plans Several people $all out invites to the Downtown Diner% to the +urger +arn% or to the mall out on the state highway% "ut I "rush them o!! with a :Can)tIgrounded%< and $ontinue down the hall and "a$# to the !irst !loor with =ayla Be ma#e our way outside to the par#ing lot in silen$e% una"le to dis$uss what we need to "e tal#ing a"out due to the la$# o! priva$y "ut una"le to muster up a $onversation on anything else +y the time we)ve arrived at her Feep% I)m almost ready to e&plode :So% /ran# wasn)t in the $ar%< I "lurt out% !lopping down ne&t to =ayla in the pat$h o! grass "etween the asphalt and the $hain lin# !en$e surrounding the !oot"all !ield :,oo#s that way < :(hen may"e he)s not dead%< I say with all the emotion o! someone ordering !ast !ood% "ut inside% my stoma$h)s $hurning with nausea
=ayla)s head rolls against the !en$e and she loo#s at me% strands o! her in#y "la$# hair sti$#ing to the $hain lin#s :.r he drowned a!ter he got out o! the $ar%< she says :.r may"e he drowned trying to swim to the other side o! the river .r may"e he got out o! the river and then passed out in the woods and a "ear ate him < :Be don)t have "ears out here% =ay < :Bell% whatever% "ut there)s no way that guy was $ons$ious enough to get very !ar You pun$hed him in the ,ace% ;ip As long as I live% I)ll never !orget =ieran telling me what /ran# DoJier loo#ed li#e "e!ore you started running < I)ll never !orget it% either Sometimes% in my nightmares% I see /ran# DoJier lying on the ground and moaning in pain as "lood streams !rom his nose% the results o! a strength I didn)t realiJe I had :Bhat we think doesn)t matter%un$hing him in the nose and running o!! with =ieran didn)t e&a$tly put you on his list o! !avorite people% i! you remem"er what Morgan told us I! /ran#)s alive% you might as well have a "ull)s eye on your "a$#% too < I narrow my eyes% remem"ering Morgan)s des$ription o! how angry /ran# was that I)d thwarted his getaway plans :(han#s !or the reminder < :No pro"lem%< =ayla says with a sa$$harine smile% *ust as I glan$e around the Feep)s "umper and $at$h sight o! =ieran am"ling over to us :Dow)d you get out here so !astC< =ayla as#s him as he leans against the hood :You had your $hem !inal last% rightC I thought that would ta#e you until one at least < =ieran stu!!s his hands into his !ront *eans po$#ets and hit$hes his shoulders to his ears
:Bhatever It was easy I !inished early < De)s lying?he won)t loo# at either o! us% plus we)re "oth well aware $hemistry isn)t =ieran)s "est su"*e$t "y a long shot =ayla shoots me a glan$e as =ieran as#s her :Do you mind hanging out while ;ip and I go somewhere alone !or a !ew minutesC< I $he$# my phone to see it)s not even twelve@thirty yet Be $an get away with "eing at s$hool !or another hal!@hour or so "e!ore my mom will start !rea#ing out that the si"lings haven)t dropped me o!! at Doodles% her arts and $ra!ts store% where she)s "een !or$ing me to do manual la"or under her wat$h!ul eye every a!ternoon sin$e the a$$ident =ayla% #nowing how little time =ieran and I have le!t together% doesn)t argue% "ut she $an)t resist getting a dig inE :I thin# I $an pro"a"ly !ind something to do while you two grope ea$h other < :(han#s% =ay < =ieran rolls his eyes as he ta#es his hands !rom his po$#ets and rea$hes down to help me up :Heally "ig o! you < :Don)t mention it < Be leave =ayla sitting in the grass and round the $ar% =ieran slipping a prote$tive arm around me :I was thin#ing the press "o&%< he says% steering us toward the !ar side o! the !oot"all !ield I lean into him% my an&ieties over /ran# DoJier still present% "ut they)re drowning at the moment under a surge o! warmth in my stoma$h at =ieran)s tou$h :You read my mind%< I tell him
Chapter 2
Bhen your "oy!riend dreams snippets o! things "e!ore they a$tually ta#e pla$e% you
struggle every day with the temptation to as# him a"out what he sees =ayla and =ieran made a pa$t years ago not to tal# a"out anything he thin#s $ould happen in the !uture% espe$ially when he dreams a"out something that might impa$t her li!e =ieran and I didn)t ma#e any sort o! a pa$t% "ut while I don)t as# a"out what)s going to happen in the !uture% he never $omes right out and tells me% either Aiven what we)ve learned a"out /ran# DoJier% however% and given that =ieran)s wal#ing me o!! "ehind the !oot"all !ield so we $an ma#e out as i! we didn)t #now any "etter% I de$ide now is one o! those o$$asions when I should "rea# our unspo#en rule and as# :SoIthis thing with /ran#Idid you see that $omingC :You)re sure you want to #nowC< De)s grinning and his voi$e has a teasing tone to it% "ut I)m not in the mood to play around :=ieran% $ome on (his is #ind o! a "ig deal < :BhatC (hat the guy whose !a$e you "ashed in might still "e wal#ing around out there li#e something out o! a "ad Jom"ie movieC< (he $orners o! his mouth are still slightly upturned :(hat the guy who tried to kidna! you might still "e wal#ing around out there li#e something out o! a "ad Jom"ie movie%< I add% less amused =ieran pulls me so $lose I almost $an)t wal# without tripping over his right !oot :No (otal surprise < De)s way too :whatever< a"out this :Somehow you don)t seem surprised at all%< I point out =ieran answers without really answering me :I have no idea i! he)s still alive% either% "e!ore you as# < Be)ve arrived at the se$tion o! the !en$e *ust outside the metal pillars holding the press "o& alo!t at the "a$# o! the visitors) "lea$hers% and I let all tal# o! /ran# DoJier drop !or now
,oo#ing through the $hain lin#s% we !ind the popular ma#e out area in the shade underneath uno$$upied Sin$e today)s the last day o! s$hool and everyone)s !ree to drive out to the par#ing lot at the a"andoned +u$#ley He!rigeration plant or to go home% $onsidering most people)s parents are at wor# right now% no"ody "ut the two o! us needs this spa$e !or romanti$ adventures at the moment I gra" the se$tion o! $hain lin# !en$e that)s rusted away !rom the pole and hold it aside *ust enough !or =ieran to $rawl through to the grassy area under the press "o& As I !ollow him% the !en$e snaps "a$# into pla$e% s$raping my s#in through my shirt :You o#ayC< =ieran as#s a!ter he turns *ust in time to see the !en$e sma$# against me De helps me to my !eet% and I lean "a$# against one o! the metal pillars hidden away in the shadows :Yeah I)m good%< I assure him "e!ore $hanging the su"*e$t :You pro"a"ly shouldn)t have rushed through your $hem !inal < Dis arms $ir$le my waist% strands o! hair !alling into his !a$e as he loo#s down at me :It was worth it%< he whispers% the smile I give him 'ui$#ly swallowed "y a wave o! #isses My hands wander up underneath his plain white t@shirt% my thum"s graJing the "ase o! his ri" $age on either side .n$e we !inally $ome up !or air% my head !oggy and my !ingers nearly stu$# to his s#in with sweat% =ieran ta#es my !a$e in his hands and loo#s at me dead on :I love you%< he says% my ears ringing on hearing him say those words to me !or the !irst time :I $ouldn)t let you leave !or Chi$ago without telling you that < I don)t hesitate :I love you% too < :And I)m not *ust saying it "e$ause we)re going to "e apart !or a while%< he goes on% and I hold mysel! "a$# !rom saying #r ,ore+er in my head or out loud :I)m saying it "e$ause I)ve #nown all along < De must see the 'uestion in my eyes% "e$ause he $ontinues with :+ut not
"e$ause I dreamed something "e!orehand I)m tal#ing a"out a!ter we metII *ustII)ve always #nown somehow And I #ept telling mysel!% K=ieran% you need to stop "eing su$h a wimp and tell her I! she doesn)t say it "a$#% then she doesn)t say it "a$#% "ut at least you)ve told her?K< :You)re "a""ling%< I point out% and he gives me the goo!y grin that endeared him to me the day we met :Yeah ,ittle nervous% I guess < I put my hand to his $hee# :Don)t "e I love you% =ieran < My mouth en*oys saying the words% words I)ve never said to anyone outside my !amily :I love you I)ll say it as many times as you need to hear it% "e$ause it)s the truth < De doesn)t ma#e me say it again Be merge on$e more% the now@!amiliar a$he o! desire in my stoma$h and the early a!ternoon heat "uilding up under the press "o& $onspiring to ma#e me wea# I *ust want to lie down with him in the s$ru""y grass so we $an #iss until all thoughts o! /ran# DoJier or anything else "e$ome a distant memory% "ut a!ter a !ew minutes% =ieran pulls away% my lips straining to stay on his :I got you something%< =ieran says when he steps "a$#% leaving me to slump against the pillar I wipe my palms on my "aggy Chi$ago +ulls shorts and wat$h as he pulls a plasti$ "ag !rom his !ront *eans po$#et :(his *ust $ame in the mail yesterday% so I didn)t get a $han$e to loo# !or anything ni$e to wrap it in < I ta#e the "ag !rom his outstret$hed hand and spy something tiny and silver lying in the layers o! !olded@up plasti$ that turns out to "e a heart $harm on a silver dangle =ieran rea$hes !or my le!t wrist% and I $lose my hand around the $harm as he un!astens the "ra$elet he gave me on our mutual April !irst "irthday so he $an slide the tiny heart onto the loop o! "eads :It)s "eauti!ul%< I tell him% as he hoo#s the $harm "ra$elet around my wrist on$e again
:(han# you < De #isses my $hee#% moving his hand down to la$e his !ingers with mine :I wanted to give you something "e!ore you le!t I sort o! !elt li#e I needed to < :I)ll "e gone !or a month%< I remind him !or the millionth time :Not even long enough to miss me < :Dou"t!ul I)ve missed you every day sin$e our parents laun$hed .peration =eep ;ip and =ieran Apart (al#ing on the phone and te&ting never seem li#e enough < :Yeah Hiding "a$# and !orth to s$hool together hasn)t e&a$tly "een the height o! roman$e% either < I pause :Your parents are pro"a"ly hoping you)ll get so lonely you)ll "rea# down and start tal#ing to them again < I smile% "ut =ieran *ust grima$es at my teasing suggestion Dis relationship with his parents was already damaged enough "y their revelations a"out his real parents and the !a$t that they had "een #eeping important in!ormation !rom him !or so many years (he ,aniers *oining my mother in $lamping down on our relationship a!ter >rom night was the last straw% and !rom what he)s told me% he)s "arely said two words to his mom and dad sin$e then :You $an)t !reeJe them out !orever%< I tell him :I mean% you)ve pretty mu$h !orgiven =ayla !or #eeping things !rom you% rightC May"e you $an put your relationship with them "a$# together% too < :(han#s to them% =ayla didn)t get a $hoi$e a"out lying to me%< he grum"les :(hey had every $hoi$e in the world% and they de$ided to lie to me a"out my li!e instead (hey de$ided I wasn)t strong enough% or whatever% to handle the truth a"out m% li,e And now they)re on this dum" $rusade with your mom to #eep the two o! us apart It)s too mu$h < :I #now%< I say% trying to sound as sympatheti$ as possi"le :I)m mad at my mom% too%
"ut I $an)t imagine *ust shutting her or anyone else in my !amily out o! my li!e < :(hat)s "e$ause %our !amily isn)t a "un$h o! !rea#oids li#e mine is (hey)re a pretty easy group to turn your "a$# on < :Bell% you #now% I a$tually like your !rea#oid !amily < I smile% putting a hand to his $hest :Some mem"ers I even love < :My dadC< he *o#es% and I "urst out laughing :Lm% no -www < =ieran)s pleasant e&pression !ades and he leans in% pressing his lips against mine Bhen we part% he says% :As mu$h as I hate "eing away !rom you% I !eel "etter #nowing you)re going to "e in Chi$ago !or a while You)ll "e sa!er at your dad)s than you would "e here < :Bhat a"out youC< I as#% $onsidering =ieran)s so mu$h more at ris# than I am =ieran pulls me to him% his mouth pressing against my hair :Don)t worry a"out me I)ll "e o#ay < Dis !a$e is hidden !rom me at this angle% "ut his voi$e has an edge o! $ertainty that hints there)s something he)s not sharing :=ieran?< I start% pulling "a$#% "ut he $ups my $hin with his right hand and smoothes my dirt@"londe "angs o!! my !orehead with his le!t% $o&ing any protest out o! me and away :You)re right% though < De smiles :You)ll "e gone !or a month Be)ll live < I e&pe$t him to say something li#e :And I)ll $all and te&t you all the time while you)re gone%< "ut he doesn)t De gathers me to him instead% his "reath loud in my ear Shutting my eyes% I wind my arms around him as tightly as I $an% a!raid i! I let him go% I)ll never hold him again% despite his $ompletely unrealisti$ $on!iden$e that I will .r may"e his $on!iden$e isn)t $ompletely unrealisti$ I)ve as#ed whether he dreamed
something a"out /ran# and he)s answered% "ut I $an)t help !eeling he)s a little too rela&ed !or someone who !ound out earlier today that the guy who tried to #idnap him $ould "e wandering around somewhere instead o! lying at the "ottom o! the Byatt Hiver :Be should pro"a"ly go "e!ore your mom sends out a sear$h party%< he says a!ter a long minute% "a$#ing away "ut still holding my hand Be leave the priva$y o! the press "o& and ma#e our way to the par#ing lot% where =ayla)s sitting in the grass ne&t to our "a$#pa$#s% playing a video game on her phone :I guess you guys are done dry@humping ea$h other and we $an go nowC< she as#s% not ta#ing her eyes !rom the s$reen :My "a"y sister < =ieran smiles at me :Charming and elo'uent as always < A tiny digital e&plosion sounds !rom =ayla)s phone :Crap%< she says% loo#ing up at us :Aame over ,et)s get out o! here < Be pile into the Feep% and !or on$e =ayla allows =ieran and me to sit together in the "a$#seat without $omplaining a"out loo#ing li#e our $hau!!eur :May"e our parents will let you go to graduation with us tomorrow night%< =ayla says a!ter she)s pulled out onto Main Street :I mean% pra$ti$ally the whole town goes to that thing% rightC Dow mu$h trou"le $ould you two get into with hundreds o! people wat$hingC< -veryone in (itusville either #nows o! or is related to everyone else% so the high s$hool graduation ends up "eing one o! the "iggest events on what passes !or our small town)s so$ial $alendar And while =ieran and I aren)t opposed to a little >DA% we have enough sel!@$ontrol not to start ma#ing out in !ront o! all o! (itusville in the middle o! +rad Balla$e)s valedi$tory spee$h% "ut my mom and =ieran)s parents apparently don)t trust us not to (he plan at the moment is !or me to a$$ompany my !amily to the $eremony tomorrow night so Mom $an #eep
an eye on me% "ut I)ve got other ideas :I)m going to as# her tonight%< I say% already one step ahead o! =ayla :I! I $an get my grandparents on my side% she doesn)t stand a $han$e +ut% either way%arent o! the Year% "ut she won)t ma#e me leave without letting me say good@"ye < :Dope not%< =ieran says% his eyes over my head and somewhere out the window as =ayla ma#es the turn !rom Main Street% a mostly@run down area o! empty store!ronts% onto Hiver Avenue% a !our@"lo$# stret$h o! anti'ue and #ni$#@#na$# shops% $hur$hes% a par#% and the Downtown Diner% the only (itusville eatery not lo$ated out "y the interstate I don)t wriggle around to !ind out what =ieran might "e loo#ing at% don)t try to "ring his attention "a$# to me% "ut instead snuggle deeper against him% his $ollar"one digging into my $hee# (oo 'ui$#ly% the Feep slows to a stop% whi$h means we)ve pulled into a par#ing spa$e in !ront o! my mom)s store :I love you% ;ip M$=ee%< =ieran whispers as I li!t my head% his mouth so $lose to mine his words pra$ti$ally rush down my throat and into my stoma$h% !illing me with warmth% the a$he rising in me to the point that it)s all I $an do to #eep !rom "egging =ayla to start the $ar and drive us away somewhere as !ast as she $an :Don)t ever !orget that%< he adds% "e!ore I)m a"le to tell him I love him "a$# :I love you% too And don)t worry?one way or another% we)ll see ea$h other tomorrow I)m not going to leave without saying good"ye < =ieran greets my promise with an odd silen$e% and so I *ust say% :I)ll $all you later% o#ayC< .n$e again% he doesn)t answer me% "ut instead "rushes his lips a$ross my !orehead I pull
away and sear$h his eyes !or something% anything% that might tell me what he)s thin#ing% "ut all I get are two $lear pools o! "lue staring "a$# at me :(e&t us i! your mom says you $an go with us tomorrow night%< =ayla tells me% "rea#ing the tension :Yeah%< I reply% more to =ieran than to =ayla% as I rea$h !or the door .n$e outside% I sling my almost@empty "a$#pa$# up on my shoulder and loo# through the window% "ut =ieran)s head is already down% his $hin on his $hest and eyes shut Bith a little $at$h in my heart% I mouth a good"ye at =ayla and turn away towards the store% where an a!ternoon o! dusting in "etween $at !igurines and straightening lands$ape prints awaits me
A-O.T T/E A.T/O0

Amy Martin wrote and illustrated her !irst "oo# at the age o! ten and gave it to her !ourth grade tea$her% who hope!ully lost it in her house somewhere and didn)t share it with anyone else Not $ounting that early adventure in sel!@pu"lishing% In Your Dreams is Amy Martin)s !irst Young Adult novel You $an !ind out more a"out her "oo#s at httpEGGwww theamymartin $om

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In Your Dreams

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In Your Dreams A Novel Amy Martin

In Your Dreams Copyright 2012 Smashwords edition Amy Martin

Cover image design "y nin*aMel Designs

(he term rigor mortis pops into my head

Sweet dreams I hope so% Mom?I really do

Ex erpt !r"# A$ %"& Wa'e ()* %"&r Drea#$ +2, Chapter 1

A-O.T T/E A.T/O0

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