HOW TO MAKE A UFO According to the rather stupid TV show Ancient Aliens, Aliens are among us, and

if so, as ancient astronaut theorists believe, blah blah blah UFOs blah blah conspiracy theories blah blah blah area 51 blah blah blah and if so blah blah blah Elvis blah blah blah you get the point (I personally think that the guy with the hair also holds video conferences with the Easter Bunny as well, but thats off topic). The thing is, if the past sentence is true, then how the heck would aliens have gotten to Earth? This is what you would need to make a working, light-speed, flying, etc. spaceship to do that. And if so, this is what you would need. As ancient astronaut theorists believe. FoodYou would need a lot of food. I dont care what sort of wormhole youre travelling through, you probably need a snack. For us, the best bet would be freeze-dried stuff, since it takes a hundred billion years to spoil, a record only bested by fruitcake (Well, theres also algae, which is apparently a high source of renewable protein, but I mean come on.). I personally would not travel interstellar distances with nothing to eat but dry applesauce and swamp muck, but, whatever works. Everything-Proof MetalNo matter where youre going, how youre going, and so on, youll most likely be running into asteroids, comets, and/or little green men with big guns. To deal with this, youd either need a forcefield, which us large pink men have yet to invent. However, we also have yet to invent everything-proof metal, so we should just stop there. WormholesProbably the most effective way to travel millions of light-years would be to use a wormhole, which would theoretically fold space in half like a tortilla, so that your location and destination would only be a few hundred thousand miles apart, instead of all the way across space. Unfortunately, most people are certain that in doing so we would rip a big fat hole in the universe, so...yeah. Your next best bet would be... HyperdriveYAAAAAAYYY!!! Okay, seriously. One of these would allow us to travel at, if not faster than, the speed of light. At that rate, we could go around the world seven and a half times per second. So, we could reach the Andromeda Galaxy in, like, less than a day, right? Unfortunately, no. You see, just a trip to Pluto would take more than four hours. And another thing: the definition of a light-year is how far light goes in a year. Thats about 9 trillionsomething kilometres a year. And try to get your mind around this: Aside from our sun, (which by the way, astronomers officially named Sol), the closest star to us is Proxima Centauri, which is FOUR LIGHT-YEARS AWAY! Thats nearly forty trillion kilometers. And thats our nearest non-sun star. So, even if you were travelling at the speed of light, it would take four years to get to it. Our own galaxyand there are millions and millions and billions and etc of other galaxiesis 100 000 to 120 000 light-years across. Wow, that makes ripping a hole in existence seem almost worth it, doesnt it?

And not just that. Even if you did decide to travel at light-speed, since some law of physics or another states that if any object that has mass travels at near-light-speed, it gets heavier and heavier, and at light-speed it would be so impossibly heavy that it couldnt mo ve. So you couldnt get anywhere. And even if you did manage to bypass that, this weird paradox thing Einstein came up with states that if you went light-speed, you would experience your own time normally, but you would move very slowly in real time, so even if you wanted to go to Pluto, well, it would take years and years and years in real time. Even if an alien decided to hop into his spaceship to have lunch at his local Juvuron-5QBA-Beta Caf, by the time he got there decades might have past in what he experienced to be half an hour. And if so, well, we can say that aliens, no matter how sophisticated, are probably not among us. And now for something completely different: saliva contains a natural anesthetic. Um.