COMMUNICATION

 Assertiveness is the

N O I T A C I N U COMM
By Heather Dallas*
adult and avoiding game playing and politics. In my own training business which I started back in 2000, one of our core beliefs is to treat participants as adults; they have real life issues they need to solve with practical solutions. So what is assertiveness? I like to describe it as the three Cs: confidence, control and credibility. Lets take each in turn. Confidence Confidence is core to being assertive. There are two types of confidence: what people see and hear, ie our external confidence, and our inner confidence. We can learn the techniques for external confident body language and voice, for instance how to walk into a room, how we hold ourselves, a firm handshake, eye contact for three seconds for each person, polished and professional dress, impactful gestures, enthusiastic vocal tones, clarity, good articulation, shorter sentences and our choice of language. Aggressive body language is very different, for instance a handshake can be overbearing and someone might use the power grasp or the bone crusher where they grasp our fingers, or have the palm on top. Aggressive eye contact can be less blinking and too intense. Aggressive gestures might include sitting back in a chair with hands behind head (territorial dominance) or karate chops where we use the palm in a downward gesture to demonstrate something is not negotiable. Barriers What affects how we feel about ourselves is our inner confidence which is more complex, for instance our beliefs and values, core personality, experience, attitude, etc. It is important we all dig a little deeper and explore what stops us from being truly assertive ie we all have some barriers. For instance if we have a belief that conflict is bad and we have a please driver, we may come across more submissively and people may lose respect for us. It is also important that our communication is congruent ie authentic, in harmony with our personality and who we are. If we are trying to be someone we are not, it will not feel or look or sound comfortable. I work with many people, particularly in the area of personal impact and personal presentation, who understand the techniques but have some internal barrier. An example is working with a senior manager who had issues about feeling comfortable with public speaking. He admitted the fear started when he was playing a musical instrument in school assembly at the age of nine and he made a mistake. His perception of the memory was that he felt awkward, stupid and everybody laughed. This memory has over the years become distorted and showed itself as a real fear for him. Once he recognised the origin of his irrational fear, he could let it go and concentrate on adding some of the external confidence techniques. Control Control of our emotions, internally and externally is also key to being assertive. Aggressive people dont stay in control, nor do submissive people. Control is also about being calm, rational and objective. Techniques include breathing from the barrel of the body, releasing tension in the shoulders by doing three shoulder rolls, and keeping things in perspective with our self-talk. When we are out of control emotional, stressed, angry, guilty we are associated which means we are too absorbed in the situation. We need to learn to disassociate ie stepping back from the situation, seeing it objectively and rationally, controlling our breathing, taking a break, being positive with our inner talk. To maintain control in a difficult situation, for instance a tough negotiation, we need to
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y own experience understanding the need for assertiveness in business was working for a professional practice of accountants. Back in the 1990s in that fee earning type of culture, if you were not a fee earner or a senior manager or partner, then many of the support staff were less assertive than they could have been. This could be more on the submissive side or some were perhaps more aggressive. I had moved into a full time training role and the first course I designed was assertiveness. It has always been a topic close to my heart and I truly believe assertiveness is the best form of communication. You can be hugely successful and still treat people with respect, being open,

* Heather provides a wide range of training solutions in the areas of personal impact, handling conflict, presentation skills, management skills and life balance to name a few, and has scored as one of the highest ranking speakers at a past BDA training event. 36 vital

COMMUNICATION
establish common ground and negotiating until both parties can find an outcome they are in agreement with. Common ground is usually both or more parties wanting to find a workable solution that everyone is okay with. There are five types of negotiation that all have their uses: Compromise where we find a win/win solution that both parties are happy with Accommodate where we give the other person what they want to create goodwill Withdraw where we have to back down because we arent going to get what we want anyway Mediate where we bring in a third party Defeat where we overrule because we are right or it is a crisis. An assertive negotiator uses all five styles and also thinks beforehand of what outcomes they ideally want and what they would settle for, what outcomes the other party wants and what coinage they can offer ie what can you offer the other person to make the outcome you want more palatable to the other party? Honest transparency Our aim in business is for adult to adult communication. If we treat people like children they are likely to be behave like children, yet if we treat people like adults, they are more likely to respond as adults. There are many games that people play when they operate out of a parent or child place, for instance beartrapper where you might dig a hole and camouflage it so people fall into the trap, or playing the fool so others look after you and you dont have to take responsibility. Assertive, adult people dont play games so there is an honest, open transparency that makes communication much easier. Credibility Credibility in business relationships is vital. We want to be taken seriously and we need to be respected. If we have an opinion then others should listen and acknowledge us; this does not mean they have to agree with us. Adding credibility to our body language is about adding substance and gravitas, again reviewing our eye contact, our posture, how we sit in meetings, our handshake, our image. Adding weight to our language and tone for instance avoiding going up at the end of sentences that make us sound lightweight or using hedging language eg I think and possibly and maybe, avoiding waffling, long-winded sentences and speaking clearly and succinctly. Being assertive gives us the best chance of handling conflict. One thing the difficult
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person always wants is to feel acknowledged and we can do this by being in rapport, being genuinely empathetic (ie not saying I hear what you are saying but...), paraphrasing and reflecting back. We all react differently in conflict situations. Depending on our values, personality preference and experience, some of us have an ability to bounce back, and some of us are sensitive and wounded. I remember as a senior manager giving feedback to one of my team in my comfortable way of inviting feedback from him first, asking what he was pleased with. His response was along the lines of just get to the point and give it to me on the chin. In summary there is a huge difference between been truly assertive and aggressive and submissive behaviour. In my experience assertiveness is a better way of doing business and building relationships. Heather Dallas is delivering a one-day interactive Training essentials course to help you develop assertiveness in the workplace. It will be held at the BDA in London on Friday 1 April 2011, and at the BADN headquarters, in Thornton-Cleveleys (near Fleetwood, Lancs) on Friday 8 July 2011. For further details visit www.bda.org/training, and to book either download a booking form from the website or call the BDA events team on 020 7563 4590.

 We need to learn to disassociate ie stepping back from the situation, seeing it objectively and rationally, controlling our breathing, taking a break, being positive with our inner talk.
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