Roger Zelazny.

A Museum Piece Forced to admit that his art was going unnoticed in a frivolous world, Jay Smith decided to get out of that world. he four dollars and ninety!eight cents he s"ent for a mail order course entitled #$oga!!the Path to Freedom# did not, however, hel" to free him. Rather, it served to accentuate his humanity, in that it reduced his a%ility to "urchase food %y four dollars and ninety!eight cents. Seated in a "admasana, Smith contem"lated little %ut the fact that his navel drew slightly closer to his %ac&%one with each day that "assed. 'hile nirvana is a reasona%ly esthetic conce"t, suicide assuredly is not, "articularly if you haven(t the stomach for it. So he dismissed the fatalistic notion )uite reasona%ly. *+ow sim"ly one could ta&e one(s own life in ideal surroundings,* he sighed, -tossing his golden loc&s which, for o%vious reasons, had achieved classically im"ressive lengths.. * he fat stoic in his %ath, fanned %y slave girls and si""ing his wine, as a faithful /ree& leech o"ens his veins, eyes downcast, 0ne delicate 1ircassian,* he sighed again, *#there# "erha"s, "luc&ing u"on a lyre as he dictates his funeral oration!!the latter to %e read %y a faithful countryman, eyes all a!%lin&. +ow easily #he# might do it, 2ut the fallen artist!!say, 2orn yesterday and scorned today he goes, li&e the ele"hant to his graveyard, alone and secret,* +e rose to his full height of si3 feet, one and a half inches, and swung to face the mirror. Regarding his s&in, "allid as mar%le, and his straight nose, %road forehead, and wide!s"aced eyes, he decided that if one could not live %y creating art, then one might do worse that turn the thing the other way a%out, so to s"ea&. +e fle3ed those thews which had earned him half!tuition as a half%ac& for the four years in which he had sto&ed the stithy of his soul to the forging out of a movement all his own4 two!dimensional "ainted scul"ture. *5iewed in the round,* one cra%%ed critic had noted, *Mister Smith(s offerings are either frescoes without walls or vertical lines. he 6truscans e3celled in the former form %ecause they &new where it %elonged7 &indergartens inculcate a mastery of the latter in all five!year!olds.* 1leverness, More cleverness, 2ah, +e was sic& of those Johnsons who laid down the law at someone else(s dinner ta%le, +e noted with satisfaction that his month!long ascetic regime had reduced his weight %y thirty "ounds to a mere two twenty!five. +e decided that he could "ass as a 2eaten /ladiator, "ost!+ellenic. *8t is settled,* he "ronounced. *8(ll #%e# art.* 9ater that afternoon a lone figure entered the Museum of Art, a %undle %eneath his arm.

S"iritually haggard -although clean!shaven to the arm"its., Smith loitered a%out the /ree& Period until it was em"tied of all %ut himself and mar%le. +e selected a dar& corner and unwra""ed his "edestal. +e secreted the various "ersonal things necessary for a showcase e3istence, including most of his clothing, in its hollow %ottom. */ood!%ye, world,* he renounced, *you should treat your artists %etter,* and mounted the "edestal. +is food money had not %een com"letely wasted, for the techni)ues he had mastered for four ninety!eight while on the Path to Freedom, had given him a muscular control such as allowed him "erfect, motionless statuity whenever the wis"y, middle!aged woman followed %y forty!four children under age nine, left her chartered %us at the cur% and "assed through the /ree& Period, as she did every uesday and hursday %etween :4;< and :4=> in the morning. Fortunately, he had selected a seated "osture. 2efore the wee& "assed he had also timed the watchman(s movements to an alternate #tic&# of the huge cloc& in the ad?acent gallery -a delicate 6ighteenth 1entury time"iece, all of gold leaf, enamel, and small angels who chased one another around in circles.. +e should have hated %eing re"orted stolen during the first wee& of his career, with nothing to face then %ut the "ros"ect of second!rate galleries or an uneasy role in the cheerless "rivate collections of cheerless and "rivate collectors. herefore, he moved ?udiciously when raiding sta"les from the stores in the downstairs lunch room, and strove to wor& out a sym"athetic %ond with the racing angels. he directors had never seen fit to secure the refrigerator or "antry from de"redations %y the e3hi%its, and he a""lauded their lac& of imagination. +e ni%%led at %oiled ham and "um"ernic&el -light., and munched ice cream %ars %y the dozen. After a month he was forced to ta&e calisthenics -heavy. in the 2ronze Age. *0h, lost,* he reflected amidst the @eos, surveying the &ingdom he had once sta&ed out as his own. +e we"t over the statue of Achilles Fallen as though it were his own. 8t was. As in a mirror, he regarded himself in a handy collage of %olts and nutshells. *8f you had not sold out,* he accused, *if #you# had hung on a little longer!!li&e these, the sim"lest of Art(s creatures...2ut no, 8t could not %e, *1ould itA* he addressed a "articularly symmetrical mo%ile overhead. *#1ould# itA* *Perha"s,* came an answer from nowhere, which sent him flying %ac& to his "edestal. 2ut little came of it. he watchman had %een ta&ing guilty delight in a %u3om Ru%ens on the other side of the %uilding and had not overheard the collo)uy. Smith decided that the re"ly signified his accidental nearing of Bharana. +e returned to the

Path, redou%ling his efforts toward negation and loo&ing 2eaten. 8n the days that followed he heard occasional chuc&ling and whis"ering, which he at first dismissed as the chortlings of the children of Mara and Maya, intent u"on his distractions. 9ater, he was less certain, %ut %y then he had decided u"on a classical attitude of "assive in)uisitiveness. And one s"ring day, as green and golden as a "oem %y Bylan homas, a girl entered the /ree& Period and loo&ed a%out, furtively. +e found it difficult to maintain his mar%ly "lacidity, for lo, she %egan to disro%e, And a s)uare "arcel on the floor, in a "lain wra""er. 8t could only mean... 1om"etition, +e coughed "olitely, softly, classically... She ?er&ed to an amazing attention, reminding him of a women(s underwear ad having to do with hermo"ylae. +er hair was the correct color for the underta&ing!!that "alest shade of Parian managea%le!!and her gray eyes glittered with the icy!or%ed intentness of Athene. She surveyed the room minutely, guiltily, attractively... *Surely stone is not susce"ti%le to virus infections,* she decided. *( is %ut my guilty conscience that cleared its throat. 1onscience, thus do 8 cast thee off,* And she "roceeded to %ecome +ecu%a 9amenting, diagonally across from the 2eaten /ladiator and fortunately, not facing in his direction. She handled it "retty well, too, he grudgingly admitted. Soon she achieved an esthetic immo%ility. After a "eriod of a""raisal he decided that Athens was indeed mother of all the arts7 she sim"ly could not have carried it as Renaissance nor Romanes)ue. his made him feel rather good. 'hen the great doors finally swung shut and the alarms had %een set she heaved a sigh and s"rang to the floor. *@ot yet,* he cautioned, *the watchman will "ass through in ninety!three seconds.* She had "resence of mind sufficient to stifle her scream, a delicate hand with which to do it, and eighty!seven seconds in which to %ecome +ecu%a 9amenting once more. his she did, and he admired her delicate hand and her "resence of mind for the ne3t eighty!seven seconds. he watch man came, was nigh, was gone, flashlight and %eard %o%%ing in musty will o( the!wis"fulness through the gloom. */oodness,* she e3"elled her %reath. *8 had thought 8 was alone,* *And correctly so,* he re"lied. *(@a&ed and alone we come into e3ile...Among %right stars on this most weary un%right cinder, lost...0h, lost!!(* * homas 'olfe,* she stated. *$es,* he sul&ed. *9et(s go have su""er.* *Su""erA* she in)uired, arching her eye%rows. *'hereA 8

had %rought some C!Rations, which 8 "urchased at an Army Sur"lus Store!!* *0%viously,* he retorted, *you have a short!timer(s attitude. 8 %elieve that chic&en figured "rominently on the menu for today. Follow me,* hey made their way through the ang Bynasty, to the stairs. *0thers might find it chilly in here after hours,* he %egan, *%ut 8 daresay you have thoroughly mastered the techni)ues of %reath controlA* *8ndeed,* she re"lied, *my fiancee was no mere Zen faddist. +e followed the more rugged "ath of 9hasa. 0nce he wrote a modern version of the Ramayana, full of to"ical allusions and advice to modern society.* *And what did modern society thin& of itA* *Alas, Modern society never saw it. My "arents %ought him a one!way tic&et to Rome, first!class, and several hundred dollars worth of ravelers( 1hec&s. +e has %een gone ever since. hat is why 8 have retired from the world.* *8 ta&e it your "arents do not a""rove of ArtA* *@o, and 8 %elieve they must have threatened him also.* +e nodded. *Such is the way of society with genius. 8, too, in my small way, have wor&ed for its %etterment and received %ut scorn for my la%ors.* *ReallyA* *$es. 8f we sto" in the Modern Period on the way %ac&, you can see my Achilles Fallen.* A very dry chuc&le halted them. *'ho is thereA* he in)uired, cautiously. @o re"ly. hey stood in the /lory of Rome, and the stone senators were still. *#Someone# laughed,* she o%served. *'e are not alone,* he stated, shrugging. * here(ve %een other indications of such, %ut whoever they are, they(re as tal&ative as ra""ists!!which is good. Remem%er, though art %ut stone,* he called gaily, and they continued on to the cafeteria. 0ne night they sat together at dinner in the Modern Period. *+ad you a name, in lifeA* he as&ed. */loria,* she whis"ered. *And yoursA* *Smith, Jay.* *'hat "rom"ted you to %ecome a statue, Smith!!if it is not too %old of me to as&A* *@ot at all,* he smiled, invisi%ly. *Some are %orn to o%scurity and others only achieve it through diligent effort. 8 am one of the latter. 2eing an artistic failure, and %ro&e, 8 decided to %ecome my own monument. 8t(s warm in here, and there(s food %elow. he environment is congenial, and 8(ll never %e found out %ecause no one ever loo&s at anything

standing around museums.* *@o oneA* *@ot a soul, as you must have noticed. 1hildren come here against their wills, young "eo"le come to flirt with one another, and when one develo"s sufficient sensi%ility to loo& at anything,* he lectured %itterly, *he is either myo"ic or su%?ect to hallucinations. 8n the former case he would not notice, in the latter he would not tal&. he "arade "asses.* * hen what good are museumsA* *My dear girl, hat the former affianced of a true artist should s"ea& in such a manner indicates that your relationshi" was %ut %rief!!* *Really,* she interru"ted. * he "ro"er word is (com"anionshi"(.* *5ery well,* he amended, *(com"anionshi"(. 2ut museums mirror the "ast, which is dead, the "resent, which never notices, and transmit the race(s cultural heritage to the future, which is not yet %orn. 8n this, they are near to %eing tem"les of religion.* *8 never thought of it that way,* she mused. *Rather a %eautiful thought, too. $ou should really %e a teacher.* *8t doesn(t "ay well enough, %ut the thought consoles me. 1ome, let us raid the ice%o3 again.* hey ni%%led their final ice cream %ars and discussed Achilles Fallen, seated %eneath the great mo%ile which resem%led a starved octo"us. +e told her of his other great "ro?ects and of the nasty reviewers, cra%%ed and %loodless, who lur&ed in Sunday editions and hated life. She, in turn, told him of her "arents, who &new Art and also &new why she shouldn(t li&e him, and of her "arents( vast fortunes, e)ually distri%uted in tim%er, real estate, and "etroleum. +e, in turn, "atted her arm and she, in turn, %lin&ed heavily and smiled +ellenically. *$ou &now,* he said, finally, *as 8 sat u"on my "edestal, day after day, 8 often thought to myself4 Perha"s 8 should return and ma&e one more effort to "ierce the cataract in the eye of the "u%lic!!"erha"s if 8 were as secure and at ease in all things material!!"erha"s if 8 could find the "ro"er woman!!%ut nay, here is no such a one,* *1ontinue, Pray continue,* cried she. *8, too, have, over the "ast days, thought that, "erha"s, another artist could remove the sting. Perha"s the "oison of loneliness could %e drawn %y a creator of %eauty!!8f we!!* At this "oint a small and ugly man in a toga cleared his throat. *8t is as 8 feared,* he announced. 9ean, wrin&led, and gru%%y was he7 a man of ulcerous %owel and much s"leen. +e "ointed an accusing finger. *8t is as 8 feared,* he re"eated. *'h!who are youA* as&ed /loria. *1assius,* he re"lied, *1assius Fitzmullen!!art critic,

retired, for the Balton # imes#. $ou are "lanning to defect.* *And what concern is it of yours if we leaveA* as&ed Smith, fle3ing his 2eaten /ladiator half%ac& muscles. 1assius shoo& his head. *1oncernA 8t would threaten a way of life for you to leave now. 8f you go, you will dou%tless %ecome an artist or a teacher of art!!and sooner or later, %y word or %y gesture, %y sign of %y unconscious indication, you will communicate what you have sus"ected all along. 8 have listened to your conversations over the "ast wee&s. $ou &now, for certain now, that this is where all art critics finally come, to s"end their remaining days moc&ing the things they have hated. 8t accounts for the increase of Roman Senators in recent years.* *8 have often sus"ected it, %ut never was certain.* * he sus"icion is enough. 8t is lethal. $ou must %e ?udged.* +e cla""ed his hands. *Judgment,* he called. 0ther ancient Romans entered slowly, a "rocession of %ent candles. hey encircled the two lovers. Smelling of dust and yellow news"rint and %ile and time, the old reviewers hovered. * hey wish to return to humanity,* announced 1assius. * hey wish to leave and ta&e their &nowledge with them.* *'e would not tell,* said /loria, tearfully. *8t is too late,* re"lied one dar& figure. *$ou are already entered into the 1atalog. See here,* +e "roduced a co"y and read4 *(@um%er DE, +ecu%a 9amenting. @um%er ;D, he 2eaten /ladiator.( @o, 8t is too late. here would %e an investigation.* *Judgment,* re"eated 1assius. Slowly, the Senators turned their thum%s down. *$ou #cannot# leave.* Smith chuc&led and seized 1assius( tunic in a "owerful scul"tor(s gri". *9ittle man,* he said, *how do you "ro"ose sto""ing usA 0ne scream %y /loria would %ring the watchman, who would sound an alarm. 0ne %low %y me would render you unconscious for a wee&.* *'e shut off the guard(s hearing aid as he sle"t,* smiled 1assius. *1ritics are not without imagination, 8 assure you. Release me, or you will suffer.* Smith tightened his gri". * ry #anything#.* *Judgment,* smiled 1assius. *+e is modern,* said one. * herefore, his tastes are catholic,* said another. * o the lions with the 1hristians,* announced a third, cla""ing his hands. And Smith s"rang %ac& in "anic at what he thought he saw moving in the shadows. 1assius "ulled free.

*$ou cannot do this,* cried /loria, covering her face. *'e are from the /ree& Period,* *'hen in /reece, do as the Romans do,* chuc&led 1assius. he odor of cats came to their nostrils. *+ow could you!!here...A A lionA* as&ed Smith. *A form of hy"nosis "rivy to the "rofession,* o%served 1assius. *'e &ee" the %east "aralyzed most of the time. +ave you not wondered why there has never %een a theft from this museumA 0h, it has %een tried, all right, 'e "rotect our interests.* he lean, al%ino lion which generally sle"t %eside the main entrance "added slowly from the shadows and growled!!once, and loudly. Smith "ushed /loria %ehind him as the cat %egan its stal&ing. +e glanced towards the Forum, which "roved to %e vacant. A sound, li&e the fla""ing of wings %y a floc& of leather "igeons, diminished in the distance. *'e are alone,* noted /loria. *Run,* ordered Smith, *and 8(ll try to delay him. /et out, if you can.* *And desert youA @ever, my dear, ogether, @ow, and always,* */loria,* *Jay Smith,* At that moment the %east conceived the notion to launch into a s"ring, which it "rom"tly did. */ood!%ye, my lovely.* *Farewell. 0ne &iss %efore dying, "ray.* he lion was high in the air, uttering healthy coughs, eyes greenly aglow. *5ery well.* hey em%raced. Moon hac&ed in the sha"e of cat, that "alest of %easts hung overhead!!hung high, hung menacingly, hung long... 8t %egan to writhe and claw a%out wildly in that middle s"ace %etween floor and ceiling for which architecture "ossesses no s"ecific noun. *Mm, Another &issA* *'hy notA 9ife is sweet.* A minute ran %y on noiseless feet7 another "ursued it. *8 say, what(s holding u" that lionA* *8 am,* answered the mo%ile. *$ou humans aren(t the only ones to see& um%rage amidst the relics of your dead "ast.* he voice was thin, fragile, li&e that of a "articularly %usy Aeolian +ar". *8 do not wish to seem in)uisitive,* said Smith, *%ut who are youA* *8 am an alien life form,* it tin&led %ac&, digesting the lion. *My shi" suffered an accident on the way to Arcturus. 8 soon discovered that my a""earance was against me on your

"lanet, e3ce"t in the museums, where 8 am greatly admired. 2eing a mem%er of a rather delicate and, if 8 do say it, somewhat narcissistic race!!* +e "aused to %elch daintily, and continued, *!!8 rather en?oy it here!!(among %right stars on this most weary un%right cinder F%elchG, lost(* *8 see,* said Smith. * han&s for eating the lion.* *Bon(t mention it!!%ut it wasn(t #wholly# advisa%le. $ou see, 8(m going to have to divide now. 1an the other me go with youA* *0f course. $ou saved our lives, and we(re going to need something to hang in the living room, when we have one.* */ood.* +e divided, in a flurry of hemidemisemi)uavers, and dro""ed to the floor %eside them. */ood!%ye, me,* he called u"ward. */ood!%ye,* from a%ove. hey wal&ed "roudly from the Modern, through the /ree&, and "ast the Roman Period, with much hauteur and a wholly )uiet dignity. 2eaten /ladiator, +ecu%a 9amenting, and Hena e3 Machina no longer, they lifted the slee"ing watchman(s &ey and wal&ed out the door, down the stairs, and into the night, on youthful legs and dro"!lines.