STATUTORY WARNING FOR TEACHERS: The following article may cause feelings of dizziness, headaches, palpitationsor, in severe cases,

a myocardial infarction (thats a heart attack, in case you didnt know) or possibly a complete nervous breakdown. ence, ! would advise you to double"check on your medical insurance before you proceed. #lso, during the course of the article, if you are ($uite understandably) seized with an urge to throw this magazine at someones head, ! would beg of you to abstain from doing so (especially if that %someone is me&). 'ure you want to read on( #ll right. Take a deep breath. )rink some water. *ets begin

THE BEST ANSWERS EVER FOR LANDING YOUR TEACHERS IN THE I.C.U.
What: The %su++estion that ,autam -uddhas first sermon was preached at %)e#r .ark. Where: /n your istory paper, su,,esting a change of venue from the original %)e0r .ark. Why: -ecause its a time"tested way of making both your istory and your 0nglish teachers run likewhat else()001& What: # thesis on 2the remedy of -io3. Where: #s the definition of %-ioremediation on your 0.4.0. paper Why: The emotion behind that deep yearning to remedy your -io(logy) marks gets e5pressed nicely (! second the feeling&)and as a bonus, some sympathy is evoked in your 0.4.0. teachers heart as well (but for herself, mainly) What: #n account of the %shi66ing 'un, or the %-#1106 of 0ngland. Where: /n an 0nglish paper, replacing %shi6ing and %-#1/6. Why: 7ellthe news of that so very barren 0ngland is sure to send your 0nglish teacher shinning up the nearest tree in search of escape& What: )iscovery of the e5otic locations of %*atter !sland and %1udolph 'ea. Where: ,eography, of course%latter is supposed to refer to the last item of a previous list and the fan"following of that little red"nosed reindeer is admirable, but Why: The teacher, unfortunately, will be unable to appreciate such brilliant geographical discoveriesbut never fear& 0ven 8hris 8olumbus was not taken seriously by manyand who knows( !f nothing else, at least 1udolph"the"reindeer might 9ust bring you a 8hristmas present out of gratitude& What: That oh"so"%/''/: %neck*0'' Where: !n place of %#70'/:0 and %neck*#80most effective on an 0nglish paper Why: 7hile the %neckless part is a most original creation for 05orcist .art ; < the image of a spectre with his head floating freely above the shoulders comes to mind < the e5perience, frankly, is not"so"%ossom for the teacher concerned& What: # lonely and %)!''!*#T0 %#=1>06#,0 Where: The 0nglish paper, againwhat amazing innovations our 0nglish teachers get to witness, for sure& Why: That was meant to be %)0'/*#T0 and %/1. #6#,0, in case you didnt get itand this particular innovation is certain to make your teacher very very %dissilate indeed

What: ow 'hiva, 6andis bull, guards the entrance to the *ords temple Where: # mere case of mistaken identitya simple e5change"of"location of the words %'hiva and %6andi. This one was part of a general knowledge test Why: ?es yesno disrespect was intended, of coursebut that kind of mistake can honestly get a lot of people to charge at you9ust like 6andi (and not 'hiva), the bull& And !na""y# the $"ear TO%%ER&& What: The description of an !ndian wedding, where the bridegroom sat pretty in a nice red sari and lots of 9ewellery, while the bride arrived on a horse, with a nice little turbine adorning her head& #nd then, the two happily rotated around the fire Where: /n an 0nglish paper, yet again (and hence, the %-raveheart #ward goes to all the 0nglish teachers of the world& @applause@) Why: -ecause the enormous power generated by the brides turbineaided by the bridegrooms flashing 9ewelleryis sure to get your teachers head rotating really really fast&

#nd so friendstake heart& 6o matter how frustrating our marks appear to us, our emotions are far outstripped by the number of aspirins our teachers swallowed while suffering through the correction of all those papers& #s for teachersif you are still reading this and have not dropped unconscious alreadya big %T #6A ?/=& and a huge %8/6,1#T=*#T!/6'& from every one of your students for managing to survive through all our papers&& BY: One'(h)'(!*he*'t)'$)n$ea"' her'na+e'!n'the' ear') 'a!r,)rne' +a-a.!ne*'a!+ed'at'her'head /&&0 (Class: X-A)