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TERMS & CONDITIONS:2 1) Coupon valid for one meaningful life, to be awarded to one customer. Not redeemable to multiple persons, except in rare cases in which one party is seen and proven unable to enjoy his or her life, in which a third party may redeem this voucher in the name of said unable party. Valid only in participating regions, including but not limited to: Big Beaver, Saskatchewan; Beaverhead, Montana; Woolloomooloo, Australia; Wankers Corner, Oregon; Toad Suck, Arkansas; Paint Lick, Kentucky, Hell, Michigan; Hell, Norway; Mianus, Connecticut. 2) To redeem this voucher, the consumer must: a) live in the continental United States or within a stones throw3 of the continental United States, preferably sixty-two miles north of the nearest regional administrative center, just outside of what has been variously called a one-horse town, a two-horse town, and a no-horse town, but what locals see as perfectly sufficient for its three well-tended speakeasies, immaculately stocked liquor store and its renowned brothel; b) be between thirty-three and thirtyfive years of age, but look between twenty-seven and twenty-nine years of age. On a bad day, it is acceptable for the consumer to lapse into his or her all-too-real early thirties, and whats more to show it this is only natural and the consumer should do what he or she can to mitigate and reduce the likeliness of such episodes. This voucher is only redeemable by consumers looking their best4 in case of difficulty, please contact your nearest regional administrative center; c) trust in an omniscient and all-powerful god as the source of all meaning; d) have no marks against his or her driving record within the past six months, unless the accident is determined by court of law to be the result of unforeseeable psychological circumstances having to do with an anecdote often related by a certain Great-Aunt Martha, in which nephews and nieces who have not paid their dues (in the form of wet-and-squishy-kisses) to the Materteral gods are set out by the curb Monday night and are whisked away with the trash come Tuesday morning; such stories tend to stick in ones mind late into life, and any vehicular accident caused by this particular brand of grief will be excused the consumer in this case is encouraged to visit his or her regional administrative center for a stamp of verification to this end. e) He remembered the mottled mauve of her veins moving on to an altogether more piercing mode of purple, the slackness of her skin and the tautness of her half-faked smile. Or the time she couldnt even pretend, the only time he could remember her not smiling him and his cousins5, whisked away into the aging Buick, the red and blue lights in the distance, his aunt in a hurry... But where was Uncle Matt? 3) Coupon is rendered invalid if reproduced, torn, ripped, ruptured, ruined, ravaged, wrecked, creased, stained, soiled, smeared, splotched, smudged, specked, smashed, imitated, teased, emasculated, ignored, overlooked, neglected, lost, divorced, disrespected, dismembered, incinerated, or forgotten. 4) Upon waking next morning about daylight, I found Queequegs arm thrown over me in the most loving and affectionate manner. You had almost thought I had been his wife. The counterpane was of patchwork, full of odd little parti-colored squares and triangles; and this arm of his tattooed all over with an interminable Cretan labyrinth of a figure, no two parts of which were of one precise shade owing I suppose to his keeping his arm at sea unmethodically in sun and shade, his shirt sleeves irregularly rolled up at various timesthis same arm of his, I say, looked for all the world like a strip of that same patchwork quilt. Indeed, partly lying on it as the arm did when I first awoke, I could hardly tell it from the quilt, they so blended their hues together; and it was only by the sense of weight and pressure that I could tell that Queequeg was hugging me. 5) It is the consumers sole responsibility to protect the self as well as this document while travelling the distance to the nearest regional administrative center. No transportation is provided. Upon reaching the regional administrative center, all persons with pending membership applications will be directed to the Wait-Room. There they will wait. 6) It must have been early. The sun was barely out and Timmy was nodding off the whole drive. He could remember asking where they were going, and why they had left Uncle Matt behind. He could remember asking... 7) It is natural for first-time applicants to feel unsteady for the first week or so. In 96% of cases, this is diagnosed as temporary vertigo; symptoms fade between eight and sixteen days, though in some cases the process has been seen to take years. 8) The night of the accident, Philip was engulfed in grief. Even his closest friends have reported strange patterns of behavior leading up to the week of the accident. 9) Customizable color options for the consumer include: Almond, Antique Brass, Asparagus, Blizzard, Bubble Gum, Camel, Cinnabar, Dark Byzantium, Light Byzantium, Electric Lime, French Wine, Jasper, Lemon Meringue, Light Hot Livid Pink, Mulberry, Navy, Pansy, Patriarch, Rifle Green, Topaz, and Xanadu, among others. 10) Customizable size options for the consumer include: Medium, Extra Medium, Small-Large, and Large-Large. 11) The company no longer accepts checks as a valid form of payment. We apologize profusely and pathetically for this inconvenience. 12) He remembered asking... but the next thing he remembered was a sharp pain accompanied by the smell of nail polish remover... 13) Coupon redeemable if (and only if) you the consumer have already completed the new member registration process, allowing ten to fourteen business days for paperwork to file. Any questions regarding this process should be directed to the nearest regional administrative center. 14) Timmy and Philip were drunk. Dog drunk. Timmy looked o ver at Philip: How is it that were allowed in this place? were only kids! Philip looked at Timmy: Why dont you ask the bartender? 15) Polyphony, in music, strictly speaking, any music in which two or more tones sound simultaneously (the term de rives from the Greek word for many sounds); thus, even a single interval made up of two simultaneous tones or a chord of three simultaneous tones is rudimentarily polyphonic. Usually, however, polyphony is associated with counterpoint, the combination of distinct melodic lines. In polyphonic music, two or more simultaneous melodic lines are perceived as independent even though they are related. 16) Wheres Uncle Matt? 17) Coupon only valid if the terms and conditions outlined above have been thoroughly read and comprehended by the consumer. The company accepts no responsibility for misunderstood information. We have tried our best to be clear.

2 Fine print, small print, or "mouseprint" is less noticeable print smaller than the more obvious larger print it accompanies that advertises or otherwise describes a commercial product or service.The larger print that is used in conjunction with fine print by the merchant often has the effect of deceiving the consumer into believing the offer is more advantageous than it really is, via a legal technicality which requires full disclosure of all (even unfavorable) terms or conditions, but does not specify the manner (size, typeface, coloring, etc.) of disclosure. There is also strong evidence to suggest that the fine print is not read by the majority of consumers. 3 A stones throw is defined here as 75 feet 4 There is significant difficulty in gathering objective criteria sufficient to make a tangible rule to this point. Therefore, best is defined here by the whim of the consumer 5 Second cousins, Timmy would too-often remind him.