DAVID FLOURNOY COMM 2110 RELATIONAL CHANGE PROJECT DATE: April 24, 2014

This paper outlines my personal change project. My goal was to overcome the fear of meeting new people. This has been a bigger problem since Ive recently moved three times in the past year. I have applied a lot of different strategies from the text which include being other oriented, overcoming first impression barriers, and asking questions. As Ive implemented these strategies this semester I have felt a change in myself. I find myself wanting to learn more about others, more willing to engage in conversation and better at listening. I have a handful of friends in Utah now and a lot of acquaintances. My experiences have been mainly positive. But, as with all positive change, there were trials along the way which Ill describe later. One goal that I have for the future is to become more proficient at maintaining these new friendships.

UNWANTED COMMUNICATION PATTERN I have a problem that I think most of us do. I see people walking around campus and I dont engage them in conversations. I stand next to someone in an elevator and pretend that Im in there alone. I feel like sometimes I am in my own communication bubble and no one can enter it unless I already know them. I have a hard time trying to get to know people that I dont know. People outside of church and my neighborhood are especially difficult for me.

Here are two examples:

1) One of these instances occurred after the spider man movie came out. I went to see the movie with my father and mother. It was a great movie!! I remember coming out of the theatre with tons of energy, I wanted to be spider-man and have his spider sense. I was telling all of this to my dad as we were walking when

I saw a young girl sitting by herself and crying. I had a thought that I should talk with her and see if I could cheer her up. Then I countered that thought by telling myself that it would be uncool and I would lose face with my dad. I also thought that it would be really weird since I didnt know her. So my family and I walked past her. As we got to the car I was filled with regret. I told my parents that I needed to go back and talk to her. They were understanding. By the time that I walked back she was surrounded by a group of people and I could no longer help her.

2) A second experience was after my baby was born. I got extremely sick. I threw up everything that I ate. I couldnt even keep water down. In my church we have what we call the priesthood. In the early church that Christ set up, the apostles would heal the sick. In James chapter 5 verses 14 and 15 it says, Is any sick among you? Let him call for the elders of the church; and let the pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith shall save the sick So the apostles, with their priesthood power, would anoint people with oil and pray over them in the name of Christ and they would be healed. I believe that same power is on the earth today in the church I attend. The reason I bring this up is because while I was sick. I couldnt think of anyone to come and give me a potentially healing blessing outside of my own family members. What a failure I had been at meeting the members of my congregation. I had been there for three and a half months and virtually knew no one.

In both of these situations I failed to get out of my personal bubble and talk to people. In the one I wasnt able to help someone by understanding their problems. In the other I was unable to be helped because I hadnt gotten to know people. This is why I had such negative results. If I had been more other oriented then both situations would have been vastly different.

STRATEGIES

When I first started this project there were several strategies that I thought would help. Most of these strategies involved how I communicate with others. As I tried to implement these, I realized there was something else I needed to overcome. That was

my impressions of people. The impression formation theory (pg. 67) talks about us forming perceptions of people based on their physical qualities. Like if we see someone dressed in black clothes with chains all over them, we assume they are gothic and suicidal. So I had to come up with a strategy to overcome this.

The strategy that I used to overcome my impression formation was the uncertainty reduction theory (pg 68) combined with asking appropriate questions (pg. 139). I felt this would help me because I would not talk to someone if I assumed there was a great divide in our own interest. I felt that if I gathered more information by watching how they interact with others and also asking questions about themselves that I could bridge the perceived gap between us. Another strategy I used was direct and indirect perception checking (pg 81). I felt that there was a lot of understanding to be gained by watching their eye movement and body language. But also asking a direct question can be useful too. Such as asking someone why their sad if they look sad. That would be direct perception checking. The final strategy I sought to implement was to become other oriented (pg. 81). This has two steps. One is to socially decenter, and the other is to empathize.

CONSTRAINTS I ran into a couple of constraints as I attempted to change this communication behavior. One of the big constraints was finding an appropriate time to talk to people. People seem to always be busy. They are on their phone or their way to class and dont want to talk. I tried to implement sitting next to people in class but what I found was that people in class want to pay attention to the teacher. Another constraint, was myself. I forgot about implementing these skills for a while and found that I was constantly slipping back into judging people from their looks. I wasnt motivated to exert myself. Getting over yourself is often a constraint to effective interpersonal communication.

IMPLEMENTATION When I first started to implement my changes in communication I realized that I needed to overcome my first impressions of people and give them a chance. When I started doing that then I was able to gather more information and start conversations. I then I would try to draw similarities between us.

A specific example of this happened a few weeks ago. I had just finished a communication class and was walking to my car. There was a lady not to far in front of me. I realized that I should try to talk to her because thats what Im working on, getting better at talking to strangers. She almost looked emo. She was wearing clothes that were not very modest and they were black. She had a nose ring and to top it off she pulled out a cigarette and started smoking. I thought to myself this isnt the kind of person I want to talk to. She couldnt be more different from me. That, however, was my first impression. I had to get over that obstacle and talk. I told myself that especially here in Utah people probably judge her just like I did and dont talk with her. I started thinking that she probably didnt have many friends. These assumptions may or may n ot have been true but it was what helped me overcome my barrier. I walked a little faster and started talking with her. I said, Hi hows it going? It was generic I know. Then I saw that she had the same math book as I do. I asked her if she was in math 1010. I asked how she felt about the class, and if she was keeping up with the homework. Then I listened to what she said. She then asked me if I was keeping up with the homework. I told her about my job and how the crazy hours kept me from staying up to date with my homework. She sympathized. I then asked about her work. She told me that she was a care giver for the elderly. I found out that she loves her job. I then asked if she was making enough to pay for school. She explained to me that she has a scholarship. By this time we arrived at the building where her next class was and said our goodbyes. In this case I overcame the impression formation theory by making assumptions that she needed friends. Then gathered information, like noticing her math book. Then I asked questions that indirectly told me my perceptions were wrong. By being other oriented we had a wonderful conversation. I found out that she wasnt emo and depressed, but rather a really nice person who helps the elderly. And on top of that she is like a genius for getting a scholarship.

Another instance occurred last night. I was at the institute building with my 3 month old baby while my wife was in class. I noticed a tremor in the drawers of my child. She had soiled herself. Oh man, why couldnt she wait until Beth (my wife) was holding her? I thought to myself. So I decided that I would change the poopy diaper. As I walked to the restroom I passed a group of three people, a girl and two guys. As I passed I heard the girl say something about how cute my baby was. I changed the diaper and on my way back I decided to introduce myself and my beautiful baby. I said, Hi everyone this is Marci! Everyone said their names as well. Then someone asked how old she was. I had

them guess. Two people said she was 8 months and one said 4 months. They were all surprised when I said she was only three months. Then being the proud father I am, I showed them that she could stand up. (A noteworthy accomplishment) I could tell that the girl was eyeballing my baby. So I asked if she wanted to hold her. She ecstatically said that she did. I was wearing a California shirt and someone asked if thats where I was from. I told them no, but that I served my mission there. This then started a conversation about where everyone was from, where they served their missions and what classes they were attending at the institute. Around this time my wifes class ended and we departed. From this experience I learned that there are other people using the same skills that Ive been implementing. Once I got the nerve up to talk to them, the conversation flowed naturally because multiple people including myself were being other oriented and asking appropriate questions.

RESULTS As Ive implemented the strategies outlined I have really grown. I have noticed that I dont feel so apprehensive about talking to new people any more. It used to be that I would only talk to new people when put in that kind of situation, such as a group project or being on a mission. But now I dont mind talking to complete strangers. Its fun for me to get to know other people.

RECOMMENDATIONS Although most of the strategies Ive implemented have been positive. I really want to work at taking the acquaintances I make and turning them into friends. I could do this by inviting people to do a game night with my wife and I, or something along those lines. Another thing I still need to work on is remembering peoples names. I am now meeting so many people that when I see them again I recognize them but I dont remember their names. I feel that if I can add those things I will have friends no matter where I move to. WORKS CITED Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond. (2008). Interpersonal Communication: relating to others. 6 th ed. Boston: Pearson Education / Allyn & Bacon.