Hand Study 1. Let us take into consideration the history of love. In the beginning there was nothing.

I mean in the beginning there was something, and it was my hands. In the beginning I do not know what to do with my hands, so it seemed like Id rather have nothing. Im not off to a good start, am I? But Im getting there, Im trying. I tried making a world out of my hands, a sky out of my fingers, mountains with my arms, but it keeps on falling into itself. I want to show you something but I cannot create anything, not even a world, not even beginnings. 2. Let us take into consideration the history of love. In the beginning was a body. That body belonged to my lover. That lover is named Emily, and she left me, took everything there is to take from me. But see, there is nothing to take away. I have nothing to give but my hands. And Emily, forgive me, I cannot give you my hands, I told her. She raised a flag, declared a war against my property, raised fences, dug trenchesWell, Emily, if youre looking for a war, Ill give you a war. But see, Emily, I have nothing to give. Not even a war. Not even violence. Not even my hands. 3. On the twenty-third day was a river. It was dawn, and I was by the river washing my hands. There was grass licking my knees. There was dew thick as spit and I was washing my hands. Back then washing was all I can do with them. I can be clean, but what comes next? Ill figure it out, darling, I swear. But there you were, on the other side of the bank, a silhouette crouched like I was mirrored across the river. Your hands deep in the water. Hands treading the water. What are you washing your hands for? It must mean something, Im sure. I thought this must mean something but already I am drowning. 4. Eventually I learned how to use my hands. Mother taught me to chop with my hands. Father, to fight with my hands. My teacher, to write with them. Our pastor, to pray with them. My friends, to make love with them. And by God I made good love with these hands, Emily, but it was not just love I learned to do. There are a thousand ways to use our hands, do you know that? Im sorry I never got to show them to you. But you left before I can even show you. Whose loss is it? I cannot tell anymore.

5. In the beginning was the history and it ended before I can even call it history. Who saw it coming anyway? It was my birthday and it was snowing. It was snowing and Emily, you came into my house with a box, happy birthday love I have a present for you. You gave me a pair of hands, flesh and bone, knitted tight, beating pulse, can you feel itchange, love, nothing wrong with change, you said. Lets change hands, you said. Lets unhinge wrists, disassemble fingers. I want to say no but I looked at my hands and already they are falling apart. 6. On the forty-fourth day was the river, and you were there on the other side of the river. Or what I thought was you on the other side. It might be a deer stopping for a drink, a shadow of a tree. Or anything to help me cope with cowardiceenough with the river, Im taking you with me. Ill make you a kingdom of moss and pebbles with my hands. Ill make a plane out of twigs and this light-blue dawn, well fly to the mountains and crash it there. Well crash our bodies to the cheek of some hill and theyll never find our bodies. Do you want that? Dont worry, Ill learn how to build. Ill learn how to fly a plane. Ill wear out my hands for you. 7. Eventually I learned what not to do with my hands. Mother taught me not to hit anyone with my hands. Father, not to beg with my hands. My teacher, not to steal with them. My pastor, not to place them in dark places that now I let strangers touch. My friends, not to give them away. But they never said anything about love. They never taught me anything about hunger, and my hands, darling, they wanted to be yours. What to do with them, theyre cold, theyre hungry? You can have them if you want them. You can have my hands, take them from me. I have no use for them anymore. 8. Somewhere near the end of history, Emily was giving me hands. But Emily, I told you I dont want these hands, take them away from me. I want lips, I want a tongue. I lost my mouth down the river and now I want a mouth, but how can I tell you what I want, Emily? When I combed my fingers through your hair I meant to say I dont need your hands. When I dug my nails into your flesh I meant to say I dont need your hands. When I tucked my hands in the crossroads of your limbs, slid them across the tombstone of your backthat was not love, Emily. That was not even sex. When I held you with my hands, I only meant to say I dont need your hands.

9. Somewhere in the beginning of history, way before history itself is the river. Only this time, I wasnt in the river, and neither were you. But even before the both of us, it was the river where hundreds of lovers lost their limbs from loving too much. They tried to cross the river and drowned, caught in the web of primal hungers. Who could blame them? They were called by the heart. Somewhere in the beginning of history, way before history itself is a man. He was knee-deep in the water, knife in hand, trying to gather past failures in the form of missing limbs, trying to fashion a lesson out of what he can get his hands on. In the process, he loses himself, drowns in the river, gets tangled in giant roots. This is what love does to you: it draws you in and drives you away. 10. In the beginning was the river. It is dusk and I am looking for my lips by the river, looking for a gleam like a dime in the darkness of the sewers. But all that glistened were droplets of dew, beetle wings, beetle blood, the river and its diamonds floating on the surfaceI dont want them, darling, I want words. I want words to tell you your hair is beautiful in the dark because I cannot say it with my hands. I want words to tell you your mouth is beautiful in the dark because I cannot say it with my hands. Ill trade my hands for words. You can have them. Give me enough time and you can have them. 11. I decided to stop counting. The sun was shining that morning and I decided to just stop counting. How long have I endured? I still have my fingers but I lost Emily. What to do with them now but count the days until she comes back. So I took my hands by the river and buried them in dirt, waited for decay, waited for Emily to come back in the river, take me home, wash my hands, make me love againforget that, it was an excuse. I only wanted to see you, darling. I made alibis and Im sorry. Not that it matters now. Lets move on. There is only so much that can be forgotten. 12. Let us take into consideration the history of love. Only most of them I only invented. Will you forgive me, darling? Will you let me in now? Its raining here and the roof of your porch has holes. The tin cans beneath them are overflowing now, darling, let me in. Let me warm my hands over the fire. Let me take off my clothes and hang them to dry. Make a soup good for us both and I will wash the dishes, then I will teach you later what I

learned with my hands. Do you want that, darling? My hands are freezing. Emily is gone. I need company. The river doesnt help. 13. I found my lips one glorious morning, resting on a stone down the bend, tangled in a mess of seaweed and gravel. I was not surprised. I always had a thing for messes, isnt it obvious? I am knee-deep in love; dont make a meaning out of this. I was crying in the water; dont make a meaning o ut of this. In the water, the heat felt like a thousand hands holding me back. A thousand hands pushing me forward. A thousand hands that cannot decide what to do with my body. They felt like my past loves trying to feel alive again. What to do with my body? What to do with prior loves? Theyre long dead now, darling, lets not talk about them. 14. I met Emily one glorious morning. She was picking tulips by the riverside. They never grew there so she planted them. She always had a thing for misplacing objects. I remember because we kissed that morning. That was also the morning I lost my lips. A few minutes into the kiss and then I lost my lips. She wrapped her mouth around mine, river meeting the sea. Guess which one is mine, which one is hers. Now keep the answer to yourself. I dont want to hear her name on your lips anymore. Hold still, just forget about it. Forget about it. I will if you will. 15. Already knee-deep into this and we were making promises. We were making profanities out of the names of past lovers. Nothing we can do about it now. So give me your promise, give me your silence. Give me your tongue and Ill give you what I can get in this forest. Ill go down to the river , lets see what I can get. I dug my hands in the soil and got this handful of worms. Have them. I stuck my hands on a hole in a tree and I got egg shells, you can have them too. I dipped my hands to the trembling river but all I got were stones. I dipped my hands to the well of my mouth but all I got were teeth. 16. Already on the xth day. By now we could have given ourselves to the river, but we were still on the opposite sides of the bank, separate shores. I was washing my hands. You were crouched and your hands were dirty. What are you washing your hands for? Ill tell you now, darling, Emily is long gone. I only know my hands now. I only know of that afternoon now, digging graves of our past loves, soil clinging beneath our nails and we were happy. How the worms danced when we took them out of their sleep,

dont feel guilt. They never rested anyway. They were busy breaking down dead things: damp soil, lost limbs, a bed of tulips. 17. In the beginning, it was you and I in the same bank of the river. In the beginning, it was Emily and I in the same bank of the river. In the beginning, it was I alone in the river, washing my hands. In the beginning, it was the hundreds of lovers in the same bank of the river, losing their limbs. In the beginning, it was a man on one side of the riverI cannot say which, take a pick looking for the limbs of these lovers. He had a knife in his hands, gutted a fish with it, carved a tree with it, whetted it on stone. Where is the knife now? I am telling you, everything in the forest is wounded. 18. Let us reconsider the history of love thus far. Maybe we can find something we can rewrite, erase, tear out and fold into paper boats, set upon the rushing stream and watch them dissolve. Fold into paper planes and let them fly, and when they crash somewheredarling, lets not find them. Are you thinking about the knife? Its in my heart, its glistening, its bleeding me out, but Im fine, darling, just take my hand, dont pull it out , I deserved this, its okay. We have our hands. We are happy. All we have are our hands but we can be happy. 19. In another river, we were the lovers. In another river, we were so in love with each other, neck-deep in our desires we can only be consumed by the river. In another river, we lost our limbs but we were happy. We were happy and in love and the river was just envious. We laughed until we lost our voice to the gurgling of a brook. In another river, you were the man with a knife in his hands. In another river, I was the fish you gutted, the tree you carved, the stone you whetted the knife with. In another river, you found limbs, took them away, built a precautionary tale of how love destroys us all. In another river, I was the river, and I devoured you, I was the tree and I cradled you. You were drowning, what else can I do? 20. I have been teaching myself how to be happy without counting. No one teaches you about happiness. No one teaches you about death eitherEmily, forgive me, my hands do not know grief. Darling, meet Emily. Emily, if you are here right now, here are

the hands you tried replacing. Look, they are working just fine. I am okay, thank you for not asking. But I want to forget, so allow me to forget. Darling, let me forget. Give me the river and I would forget. After this, no more history, I promise. 21. Darling, I want your hands in mine. I want your shoulders in mine, your head in mine. Lets put our heads so close we share the same dream. Look at me. I was dreaming of Emily, but she is gone. Dont worry about it. I was dreaming of drowning, you and I and vanishing bubbles. Dont worry about it. I dreamed of us losing limbs, dissolving beneath the current. I dreamed we were so in love, darling; we were so in love I was choking on a song I have no melody for. I dreamed we were floating away, our bodies folded like a paper boat, solemnly being buried by the weight of its fragility. We were in love, I couldnt give a damn. 22. Darling, I was dreaming of things that I wish would have been. I dreamed my hands were as big as your hands, and that when we put them together palms up side by side, they form the map leading to where the river lies. I dreamed about the river. I dreamed of being the water in your palms in that morning I found you, crouched by the bank like a lotus, dreamed of being the sweater you were wearing that morningremember that blue sweater? I dreamed I was that sweater. I dreamed I was a loose thread and you were unraveling me. Pull it fast, theres something I need to show you.