I made an offhand, drunken comment about fighting a monkey on one of these funny picture sites

and now everyone wants to know about it. But in order to get to the epic monkey fight I first have to
explain where I was and why I was there. SO, before I go on I must correct a misprint, it was not in
fact a monkey, as gorillas are in fact apes.

When I was a young man, I was nave, ignorant and lazy. I am quite smart and I believed that natural
intelligence would carry me through the majority of my life, cue the ignorance.
My parents tried the best they could to push me toward one profession or another but ultimately
they had to do the best thing for me.
They kicked me out.
An action for which I am eternally grateful, if not for their intervention theres no telling what I may
have become.
I had no savings, no qualifications and no ambitions beyond my next meal. So what did I do?
I went for a walk.
And so, through many harrowing experiences and varying self-destructive circumstance I found
myself in West Africa.
I was passing through Ouesso looking for a cheap way off that godforsaken continent when a local
suggested that there may be fishing boats or frigates to take me further west.
I say suggested, what he actually said was:
You need gentle. I get you gentle. You boat now.
Which to my mind was an attempt at flirting or perhaps a precursor to the inevitable anal rape. It
was only after the first mile that I slowed, hands clapped firmly over my anus, and actually pondered
the alternatives. It was difficult to decipher that thick French accent but in the end I deduced my
eventual destination.
Port Gentil was my journeys end. A way out, and perhaps a way home.
I took the west road out of town and after a few wrong turns, a short conversation with a parrot and
a sudden panic attack over my lack of food I found myself on the edge of Gabon. Approximately
900km from my destination Did I mention I was walking for most of it?
Now we have established the where and the when we must now address the why.
As in Why did I get into a fight with a gorilla? Well the short answer is that I wasnt quite sure if
gorillas were violent. When I came upon it (it because I respected its privacy enough not to
blatantly stare at genitals) it was facing away from me, no more than 10 metres away, its back to
the road scratching its chin as it stared into the distance.
(The constant repetition of the word it is irritating me so I deem it a she and her name is Lucy)
Now as Lucy gazed thoughtfully into the distance, absently scratching her chin, I frozen. This was my
first encounter with any creature larger than a teacup pig. My mind was reeling as I tried to recall
whether or not Gorillas were known to be violent toward humans, but the only reference that came
to mind was the planet of the apes (the original with Charlton Heston). Either way, I decided that
best tactic would be to avoid a fight at all cost. I kept to the right side of the path, edging around
with my hands held out in front of me (perhaps because I felt that would make me sneakier).
Unlike the movies, there was no snap of a twig, no involuntary whimper, there I was, quiet as a
mouse and suddenly she turned, her eyes snapping to mine and narrowing at my presence.
Now I have always considered myself a coward. A coward and proud! If ever I came upon a fight or
flight situation that I couldnt talk my way out of I always believed Id run.
But in this situation I simply didnt.
Instead I sprinted forward, closing the distance between us in a matter of seconds before promptly
leaping into the air, yelling a stream of nonsensical gibberish and slamming my fist into her face.
Bitch Didnt Move A Fucking Inch.
There was this moment then, like a glitch in my brain where I just repeated the same though over
and over, unable to break free because in that moment it was the only thing that mattered.
Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit
And then she beat the crap out of me Dont remember much of the fight after that, I got dragged
around and thrown into a lot of trees so I was drifting in and out of consciousness for most of it. I
know I kept fighting, I have a brief memory of waking up in the middle of a punch and wondering
what fuck I was doing there. Guess I got in enough hits to make her lumber off before she could kill
me but yeah. Thats essentially the end of it.