The Et hi cal Sl ut

by
Dossi e East on and Cat her i ne A. Li szt
" I coul dn' t st op r eadi ng i t , and I f or one i dent i f y as an et hi cal sl ut .
Thi s i s a book f or ever yone i nt er est ed i n cr eat i ng mor e pl easur e- i n
t hei r l i ves. . . a compl et e gui de t o i mpr ovi ng any st yl e of r el at i ng,
f r omgoi ng st eady t o havi ng an ext ended f ami l y of sexual f r i ends. "
Bet t y Dodson, Ph. D. aut hor . Sex f or One.
" A usef ul gui debook f or r adi cal r el at i onshi p t r avel er s. Exper i enced
counsel t o t hose on t he pol y sexual f r ont i er . "
RyamNear i ng, Lovi ng Mor e Magazi ne.
" Fr ank, f unny, and f ul l of pr act i cal advi ce! . . . l i f esavi ng val i dat i on,
empat hy, and pl ent y of i nsi der t i ps f r omt he exper i enced bi g si st er s
you pr obabl y wer en' t f or t unat e enough t o have. "
Debor ah Anapol , Ph. D. aut hor , Pol yamor y: The New Love Wi t hout Li mi t s.
" A post gr aduat e cour se i n et hi cal r el at i onshi ps of ever y st r i pe. The
aut hor s pul l no punches and ar e t ot al l y out r ageous. . . . You' l l never be
bor ed. "
St an Dal e, DHS, f ounder . Human Awar eness I nst i t ut e.
1- 890159- 01- 8
gr eener y pr ess
THE ETHI CAL SLUT
A gui de t o i nf i ni t e sexual possi bi l i t i es Dossi e East on & cat her i ne A.
Li szt . Gr eener y pr ess.
1997 by Dossi e East on & Cat her i ne A. Li szt
Al l r i ght s r eser ved. Except f or br i ef passages quot ed i n newspaper ,
magazi ne, r adi o or t el evi si on r evi ews, no par t of t hi s book may be
r epr oduced i n any f or mor by any means, el ect r oni c or mechani cal ,
i ncl udi ng phot ocopyi ng or r ecor di ng or by i nf or mat i on st or age or
r et r i eval syst em, wi t hout per mi ssi on i n wr i t i ng f r omt he Publ i sher .
Cover i l l ust r at i on by Kai Har per .
Cover desi gn by Desi gn Tr i be San Fr anci sco.
Publ i shed i n t he Uni t ed St at es by Gr eener y Pr ess, 3739 Bal boa Ave.
#195, San Fr anci sco, CA 94121. E- mai l : ver dant @cr l . com
ht t p: / / www. bi gr ock. com/ ~gr eener y
I SBN 0- 890159- 01- 8
Tabl e of Cont ent s.
Par t I wi t hi n our sel ves.
Chapt er 1. Who I s An Et hi cal Sl ut ?
Chapt er 2. Val ues and Et hi cs Chapt er 3. Par adi gms, Ol d and New Chapt er
4. The Language i n Thi s Book Chapt er 5. Ancest or s & Ant ecedent s Chapt er
6. Sl ut Ski l l s Chapt er 7. Sl ut st yl es Chapt er 8. Enj oyi ng Sex
Par t I I bet ween one anot her .
Chapt er 1. Boundar i es Chapt er 2. Sl ut Economi es Chapt er 3. J eal ousy
Chapt er 4. Sl ut s i n Love Chapt er 5. Conf l i ct Chapt er 6. Agr eement s
Par t I I I i n t he wor l d
Chapt er 1. A Sl ut ' s- Eye Vi ew Chapt er 2. Heal t h Chapt er 3.
Chi l dr ear i ng
Par t I V havi ng f un
Chapt er 1. Fi ndi ng Par t ner s Chapt er 2. Gr oup Sex, Publ i c Sex, Or gi es
Concl usi on A Sl ut Ut opi a Bi bl i ogr aphy Resour ces For Sl ut s About Our
Ot her Books
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Many, many t hanks f or t he i nf or mat i on and encour agement we r ecei ved
f r om:
Cecel i a & Cor wi n Sunny Kni ght
Bet t y Dodson Adr i c Pet r ucel l i
J aymes East on Car ol Queen
Fr ancesca Gui do Maggi Rubenst ei n
Li zzar d Henr y Rut h & Edwar d
Sybi l Hol i day Doug St i nson
Ron Hof f man Susan S. Ri char d Kar pi nsky Snow Whi t e
Laur i e & Chr i s Tom& Kat y
Dei r dr e McGr at h J oi Wol f womyn
Fr omDossi e t o J i mCar ver , who made t he space f or me t o l ear n and Kai
Har per , my bel oved and out r ageous par t ner i n l ove and i n l i f e
Fr omCat her i ne t o Bar bar a, wi t h l ove and gr at i t ude and t o J ay, my hi m
f i nal l y and al ways
PART I WI THI N OURSELVES
CHAPTER 1. WHO I S AN ETHI CAL SLUT?
Many peopl e dr eamof l i vi ng an open sexual l i f e- of havi ng al l t he sex
and l ove and f r i endshi p t hey want . Most never t r y, bel i evi ng t hat such
a l i f e i s i mpossi bl e. Of t hose who t r y, many gi ve up, f i ndi ng t he
chal l enges i nsur mount abl e- or at l east t oo har d f or t hem. A f ew
per si st , and di scover t hat bei ng openl y sexual and i nt i mat e wi t h many
peopl e i s not onl y possi bl e, but can be mor e r ewar di ng t han t hey ever
i magi ned.
Peopl e have been succeedi ng at f r ee l ove f or many decades - of t en
qui et l y, wi t hout much f anf ar e. I n t hi s book, we wi l l shar e t he
t echni ques, t he ski l l s, t he i deal s t hat have made i t wor k f or t hem.
So who i s an et hi cal sl ut ? We ar e. Many, many ot her s ar e. Maybe you
ar e t oo. I f you dr eamof f r eedom, i f you dr eamof sex, i f you dr eamof
an abundance of f r i ends and f l i r t at i on and consensual conquest , of
f ol l owi ng your desi r es and seei ng wher e t hey t ake you, you' ve al r eady
t aken t he f i r st st ep.
Why We Chose Thi s Ti t l e
Fr omt he moment you saw or hear d about t hi s book, you pr obabl y guessed
t hat some of t he t er ms her e may not have t he same meani ngs you' r e
accust omed t o.
What ki nd of per son woul d r evel i n cal l i ng hi msel f a sl ut ? And why
woul d he i nsi st on bei ng r ecogni zed f or hi s et hi cs?
I n most of t he wor l d, " sl ut " i s a hi ghl y of f ensi ve t er m, used t o
descr i be a woman whose sexual i t y i s vor aci ous, i ndi scr i mi nat e and
shamef ul . I t ' s i nt er est i ng t o not e t hat t he anal ogous wor d " st ud, "
used t o descr i be a hi ghl y sexual man, i s of t en a t er mof appr oval and
envy. I f you ask about a man' s mor al s, you wi l l pr obabl y hear about
hi s honest y, l oyal t y, i nt egr i t y and hi gh pr i nci pl es. When you ask
about a woman' s mor al s, you ar e mor e l i kel y t o hear about who she f ucks
and under what condi t i ons. We have a pr obl emwi t h t hi s.
So we ar e pr oud t o r ecl ai mt he wor d " sl ut " as a t er mof appr oval , even
endear ment . To us, a sl ut i s a per son of any gender who has t he
cour age t o l ead l i f e accor di ng t o t he r adi cal pr oposi t i on t hat sex i s
ni ce and pl easur e i s good f or you. A sl ut may choose t o have sex wi t h
her sel f onl y, or wi t h t he Fi f t h Fl eet . He may be het er osexual ,
homosexual or bi sexual , a r adi cal act i vi st or a peacef ul subur bani t e.
As pr oud sl ut s, we bel i eve t hat sex and sexual l ove ar e f undament al
f or ces f or good- act i vi t i es wi t h t he pot ent i al t o st r engt hen i nt i mat e
bonds, enhance l i ves, cr eat e spi r i t ual awar eness, even change t he
wor l d. And, f ur t her mor e, we bel i eve t hat al l consensual sexual choi ces
have t hese pot ent i al s- t hat any sexual pat hway, consci ousl y chosen and
mi ndf ul l y f ol l owed, can be a posi t i ve, cr eat i ve f or ce i n t he l i ves of
i ndi vi dual s and t hei r communi t i es.
A sl ut shar es hi s sexual i t y t he way a phi l ant hr opi st shar es her money
because t hey have a l ot of i t t o shar e, because i t makes t hemhappy t o
shar e i t , because shar i ng makes t he wor l d a bet t er pl ace. Sl ut s of t en
f i nd t hat t he mor e sex and l ove t hey gi ve away, t he mor e t hey have- a
l oaves- and- f i shes mi r acl e i n whi ch gr eed and gener osi t y go hand- i n- hand
t o pr ovi de mor e f or ever ybody. I magi ne l i vi ng i n sexual abundance!
sexual advent ur ousness
The wor l d gener al l y vi ews sl ut s as debased, degr aded, pr omi scuous,
i ndi scr i mi nat e, j aded, i mmor al advent ur er s, dest r uct i ve, out of cont r ol
and dr i ven by some f or mof psychopat hol ogy t hat pr event s t hemf r om
ent er i ng i nt o a heal t hy monogamous r el at i onshi p. Oh, yes, and
def i ni t el y not et hi cal .
We see our sel ves as peopl e who ar e commi t t ed t o f i ndi ng a pl ace of
sani t y wi t h sex, and t o f r eei ng our sel ves t o enj oy our sexual i t y and t o
shar e i t i n as many ways as may f i t f or each of us. We may not al ways
know what f i t s wi t hout t r yi ng i t on, so we t end t o be cur i ous and
advent ur ous. When we see someone who i nt r i gues us, we l i ke t o be f r ee
t o r espond, and i n expl or i ng our own r esponse, di scover what ever i s
speci al about t hat per son we ar e t ur ned on t o. We l i ke r el at i ng t o
peopl e, and t end t o be gr egar i ous, enj oyi ng t he company of di f f er ent
sor t s of f ol k, and r evel i ng i n how our di f f er ences expand our hor i zons
and of f er us new ways t o be our sel ves.
Sl ut s t end t o want a l ot of t hi ngs: di f f er ent f or ms of sexual
expr essi on, di f f er ent peopl e, per haps men and women bot h. We ar e
cur i ous: what woul d i t be l i ke t o combi ne t he ener gi es of f our or f i ve
peopl e i n one i ncandescent sexual encount er ? What woul d i t be l i ke t o
shar e physi cal i nt i macy wi t h t hat per son who has been my best f r i end
f or t en year s? What woul d i t be l i ke wi t h t hi s ot her per son who i s so
ver y di f f er ent f r omme? Some of us expr ess mor e t han one i dent i t y i n
i nt i mat e encount er s wi t h di ver se peopl e. Some of us l ove f l i r t at i on
f or i t s own sake, as an ar t f or m, and ot her s make an ar t f or mout of
sex. Al l of us l ove advent ur e.
When Dossi e was a young adul t , and not yet awar e of her sel f as a sl ut ,
she f ound her sel f f asci nat ed by peopl e f r omal l t he di f f er ent cul t ur es
she coul d f i nd i n ur ban Amer i ca, and used t o descr i be her sexual
cur i osi t y as her own i di osyncr at i c f or mof cr oss- cul t ur al
ant hr opol ogy.
I del i ght ed i n f i ndi ng peopl e who wer e new and di f f er ent : I l ear ned an
enor mous amount f r ompeopl e who gr ew up i n cul t ur es t hat wer e mor e
emot i onal l y and sexual l y expr essi ve t han mi ne was, or who coul d see
beaut y i n pl aces I had never l ooked bef or e. I ' d gr own up i n a smal l
mono cul t ur al t own i n New Engl and, ver y r i gi d, l i l y whi t e, WASPi sh. I n
t he expl or at i on of ot her ness I f ound answer s t o many of t he di l emmas
of my pr ogr ammi ng, or my cul t ur e- bound t hi nki ng: new ways I coul d be
t hat wor ked bet t er f or me.
Dossi e cer t ai nl y t ook a l ot of r i sks i n her r eckl ess expl or at i on of al l
t he di f f er ent sexual i t i es she coul d f i nd i n New Yor k Ci t y. For her , i t
was wor t h i t . For some of us, sl ut t i shness i s a basi c par t of our
i dent i t y, how we know our sel ves.
One of t he most val uabl e t hi ngs we can l ear n f r omopen sexual
l i f est yl es i s t hat our pr ogr ammi ng i s changeabl e. St ar t i ng by
quest i oni ng al l t he ways we have been t ol d our sexual i t y ought t o be,
we can begi n t o edi t and r ewr i t e our ol d t apes. So by br eaki ng t he
r ul es, we bot h f r ee and empower our sel ves.
Cat her i ne r emember s l ear ni ng t hat t her e was such a t hi ng as a gay
man:
" I must have been ei ght or ni ne, but even t hen, I under st ood t he
subt ext of what I was hear i ng- - t hat t hese men di dn' t bel ong i n my
comf or t abl e subur ban envi r onment , t hat t hey had sex wi t h each ot her i n
spi t e of t he f act t hat many peopl e t hought i t was wr ong f or
t hemt o do so, t hat t hey di dn' t necessar i l y get mar r i ed and onl y have
sex wi t h one per son, t hat t hey had t hei r own communi t i es wher e t hey
hung out t oget her and t ook car e of each ot her because r egul ar peopl e
di dn' t want t hemar ound. And I i mmedi at el y got t hi s st r ong sense of
" Oh, peopl e l i ke me. " Two decades went by bef or e I came out as a sl ut ,
and anot her decade bef or e I came out as bi sexual , but t her e was
somet hi ng about t he whol e i dea t hat I si mpl y under st ood and r esponded
t o deep i n my gut .
A sl ut ' s eye vi ew
What does t hi s al l l ook l i ke f r omt he sl ut ' s poi nt of vi ew? We see
our sel ves f i r st and f or emost as i ndi vi dual s, wi t h vi r t ues and f aul t s
and di ver se di f f er ences. We ar e peopl e who l i ke sex, and who l i ke many
di ver se ki nds of peopl e. We ar e not necessar i l y sexual at hl et es
al t hough we do t end t o t r ai n mor e t han most . But good sex i s not
cont i ngent on set t i ng wor l d r ecor ds. We val ue sex f or t he pl easur e i t
br i ngs us, and t he good t i mes we get t o shar e wi t h however many
wonder f ul peopl e. We l ove advent ur e. Once agai n, i n some cont ext s t he
wor d advent ur er i s pej or at i ve, suggest i ng t hat t he advent ur ous per son
i s i mmat ur e or ungenui ne, not r eal l y wi l l i ng t o " gr ow up" and " set t l e
down" i nt o a monogamous l i f est yl e. So what ' s wr ong wi t h havi ng
advent ur es? Can we have advent ur es and st i l l r ai se chi l dr en, buy
houses and devel op our car eer s? You bet we can. Sl ut s qual i f y f or
mor t gages j ust l i ke ever ybody el se. We t end t o l i ke our l i ves
compl i cat ed, wi t h l ot s of st uf f goi ng on t o keep us i nt er est ed and
engaged.
We hat e bor edom. We ar e peopl e who ar e gr eedy t o exper i ence al l t hat
l i f e has t o of f er , and al so gener ous i n shar i ng what we have t o of f er
t o ot her s. We ar e t he good t i mes had by al l .
sexual di ver si t y
Thi s book i s wr i t t en f or ever ybody st r ai ght , gay, bi , mal e, f emal e,
t r anssexual , pan sexual and mor e. I n wr i t i ng t o i ncl ude ever yone, we
wi l l use some l anguage i n a way t hat may be new t o some r eader s. We
have del i ber at el y mi xed up our use of mal e and f emal e pr onouns, because
we' r e si ck of wor ds l i ke " she" and we can' t qui t e wr ap our
t r adi t i onal l y gr ammat i cal mi nds ar ound t he si ngul ar pr onoun " t hey. " We
encour age you t o change pr onouns t o f i t your own si t uat i ons and
r el at i onshi ps: our i nt ent i on i s t o cel ebr at e sexual di ver si t y wher ever
we f i nd i t .
YOUR AUTHORS
Bet ween us, we r epr esent a f ai r l y l ar ge sl i ce of t he pi e t hat i s sexual
di ver si t y. Dossi e has i dent i f i ed f i r st as het er osexual , t hen as bi ,
and most r ecent l y as l esbi an f or t he l ast si xt een year s: no mat t er what
she t hought she was doi ng, she has al ways been a sl ut . She commi t t ed
t o an open sexual l i f est yl e t went y- seven year s ago and has spent about
hal f of t hat t i me l i vi ng si ngl e. She i s cur r ent l y par t ner ed t o a
f abul ous woman, and makes her l i vi ng as a t her api st speci al i zi ng i n
r el at i onshi p i ssues and al t er nat i ve sexual i t i es. Cat her i ne l i ved as a
t eenaged sl ut i n col l ege, but t hen essayed monogamy i n a t r adi t i onal
het er osexual mar r i age f or wel l over a decade. Si nce t hen, she has come
out as bi sexual ; she cur r ent l y l i ves i n a commi t t ed open r el at i onshi p
wi t h a mal e par t ner , and mai nt ai ns a l ovi ng l i ve- apar t r el at i onshi p
wi t h a gi r l f r i end. She wr i t es books ( under t hi s name and her ot her
pseudonym" Lady Gr een" ) , and r uns t he publ i shi ng company t hat br ought
you t hi s book. We ar e bot h mot her s of gr own or near - gr own chi l dr en. Bot h of us
al so mai nt ai n i nt i mat e and
sexual connect i ons wi t h one anot her and wi t h ext ensi ve ext ended
f ami l i es of l over s and f r i ends.
Her e ar e a coupl e of scenes f r omour l i ves, one a moment of pai n, one a
moment of pl easur e, whi ch we chose t o hel p you under st and why and how
we l i ve t he way we do.
Dossi e: My l over i s l at e comi ng home. I hope she i s al l r i ght - t hi s
mor ni ng she l ef t i n t ear s. Last ni ght we bot h cr i ed unt i l ver y l at e my
eyes st i l l bur n. I hope she wi l l not be t oo angr y wi t h me, or t hen
agai n, her anger mi ght be easi er t o bear t han i f she j ust hur t s. Last
ni ght I t hought my hear t woul d br eak f r omf eel i ng her pai n.
And i t ' s my f aul t , my choi ce, my r esponsi bi l i t y. I amaski ng my l over
t o go t hr ough t he f i r e f or r easons most of t he r est of t he wor l d
consi der f r i vol ous i f not downr i ght r epr ehensi bl e- l amaski ng my l over
t o suf f er because I hat e monogamy.
I have hat ed monogamy f or t went y- seven year s, si nce I l ef t my
daught er ' s vi ol ent f at her , f i ght i ng my way out t he door , br ui sed and
pr egnant , pr omi si ng anyt hi ng, pr omi si ng I woul d cal l my par ent s f or
money, l yi ng. Af t er I escaped J oe he sent me sui ci de t hr eat s, and
t hr eat ened mur der - one t i me he al most f ound us and set f i r es ar ound t he
house he t hought we wer e st i l l i n.
J oe was ver y possessi ve. I ni t i al l y I f ound t hi s at t r act i ve, pr oof
posi t i ve t hat he r eal l y car ed about me. . . My l over i s back. She
br ought me a f l ower . She st i l l doesn' t want a hug. She f eel s her
house has been i nvaded by al i en ener gy. I was ver y car ef ul t o cl ean
up, al l i s ver y t i dy, di nner i s r eady, appeasement and pl acat i on, I ' l l
do anyt hi ng not t o f eel so hor r i d. My l over doesn' t want t o go t o a
movi e, she i sn' t hungr y, she guesses she' l l t ake a shower .
J oe was ver y possessi ve. I was per f ect l y f ai t hf ul . He woul d beat me,
scr eami ng i mpr ecat i ons, " You sl ut ! " when anot her man l ooked at me.
Af t er I l ef t , I deci ded he was r i ght - l ama sl ut , I want t o be a sl ut , I
wi l l never pr omi se monogamy agai n. Af t er al l why woul d anybody car e
who I f ucked? I wi l l never be a pi ece of pr oper t y agai n, no mat t er how
val uabl e t hat pr oper t y i s consi der ed.
J oe made a f emi ni st of me. A f emi ni st sl ut . Thi s was i n San Fr anci sco
i n 1969, so I deci ded t o i nvent a new l i f est yl e. I was si ck of bei ng
val ued by my success at decor at i ng some man' s ar m, and I was per f ect l y
t er r i bl e at bei ng Susi e Homemaker . I l i ke wi nni ng chess games and
t al ki ng phi l osophy. I of t en t al k mor e t han I l i st en. I ver y ver y much
want ed t o be f r ee t o si mpl y enj oy sex, f or what ever r eason wi t h whoever
came my way t hat I l i ked. I al so needed t o f i nd my st r engt h and my
i ndependence f r omkni ght s i n shi ni ng ar mor , so I vowed t o r emai n si ngl e
f or f i ve year s i n or der t o f i gur e out who I amwhen I amr unni ng my own
l i f e. I made a l i f e cr eed out of l ooseness.
My l over i s st i l l pet t i ng t he dog. Goddess, t he vi bes ar e hor r i bl e.
Why di d I i nsi st on doi ng t hi s? I ' mi n no way per i shi ng f r om
unf ul f i l l ed l ust . I act ual l y wasn' t even par t i cul ar l y hor ny, or
sal i vat i ng f or Cat her i ne and Cat her i ne onl y. We have al ways had a
sexual r el at i onshi p, my co- aut hor and me, t hat i s par t of how we wr i t e
books, and how we ar e t he dear est of f r i ends. We have been pat i ent l y
wai t i ng t o r esume t hat r el at i onshi p when my newf ound and most bel oved
par t ner was r eady. My l over has al r eady conquer ed t he t er r or s of gr oup
sex - t omor r ow we wi l l have anot her coupl e over f or di nner and my
bi r t hday spanki ng, whi ch she her sel f ar r anged wi t h no eggi ng on f r om
me. She never was embar r assed at or gi es, much t o her own amazement .
Wi t hi n t he l ast year she has had mor e new sexual exper i ences t han
possi bl y she had i n t he pr evi ous f or t y- ei ght year s, and t aken t o i t al l
l i ke a duck t o wat er . Except t hi s.
Except her l over havi ng a dat e wi t h one ot her per son. She has t r oubl e
accept i ng me havi ng sex t hat doesn' t i ncl ude her , has t r oubl e f eel i ng
l ef t out , has t r oubl e t hat we ar e doi ng i t i n our home t hi s t i me, not
neut r al t er r i t or y. Maybe t hi s was a mi st ake. Maybe I make a l ot of
mi st akes.
She st i l l won' t come near me. The ai r i s heavy wi t h pai n, her voi ce
t hi ck wi t h anger - how coul d I hur t her l i ke t hi s? Goddess, I hat e
t hi s.
The f ami l y had wel comed her wi t h open ar ms and ever yt hi ng el se. When I
deci ded t o cr eat e my new way t went y- f i ve year s ago, I f i gur ed t hat I
woul d never agai n t ake my secur i t y f r ommy r el at i onshi p, par t i cul ar l y
not f r omt he sexual excl usi vi t y of my r el at i onshi p. J oe had cheat ed on
me, I knew t hat , i t di dn' t even bot her me ver y much. I sor t of
expect ed i t . I r esent ed t hose cul t ur al val ues t hat sai d t hat my sense
of secur i t y and sel f - wor t h wer e cont i ngent on t he st at us of what ever
man I managed t o at t r act t o me, as i f I had no st at us of my own. So I
vowed t o di scover a secur i t y i n mysel f , t he st abl e gr ound of my ver y
own bei ng, somet hi ng t o do, I t hought , wi t h sel f - r espect and
sel f - accept ance. But what about ot her peopl e? What about suppor t ?
What about l ove?
San Fr anci sco i n 1969 was st i l l ver y much i n t he communal er a, so I
f i gur ed I woul d get my suppor t f r ommy ext ended f ami l y, my ki nshi p
net wor k t hat consi st ed of ever ybody t hat I was connect ed t o, t hr ough
f r i endshi p, communal l i vi ng, co par ent i ng and/ or sex. And i t wor ked.
Bei ng openl y open, and l oudl y unavai l abl e f or par t ner i ng, cr eat ed a new
ki nd of envi r onment . I i nt r oduced my l over s t o each ot her and l ot s of
t heml i ked each ot her . Peopl e had new exper i ences. Mal e l over s met
f emal e l over s, dykes met queer s, many peopl e made many connect i ons. A
coupl e of ot her si ngl e mot her s ( t her e wer e a l ot of us af t er t he Summer
of Love) j oi ned wi t h me - we cal l ed our househol d Li ber at ed Ladi es at
Lar ge.
Ther e i s st i l l a t endency f or l oose l over s t o f or mki nshi p net wor ks
f r omt hei r sexual connect i ons, and cust oms, even sor t of a cul t ur e, has
begun t o emer ge. And so i t i s cust omar y, i n my br and new cul t ur e, f or
one' s l over s t o wel come a new l over as, not compet i t i on, but an
addi t i on t o t he communi t y. And a ver y concr et e addi t i on at t hat .
I r emember t he f i r st t i me I par t ner ed wi t h an equal l y sexual l y
gr egar i ous woman, and we hast ened t o ensur e t hat each of us had t he
oppor t uni t y t o have sex wi t h each of t he ot her ' s l over s: wel come t o t he
f ami l y.
My l over i s r eady t o t al k now. She i s pi ssed. She i s ser i ousl y
pi ssed. She r esent s me f or ever y mi ser abl e t er r i f i ed t hought she has
had t oday, she i s f ur i ous t hat I woul d subj ect her t o t he unpr ot ect ed
exper i ence of her own f eel i ngs, and t hat ' s not what she sai d, t hat ' s my
i nt er pr et at i on. And t hat ' s not what I sai d ei t her - t hi s was no t i me t o
get uppi t y about cl ean boundar i es and t he i mpor t ance of owni ng your own
f eel i ngs. I l i st ened. Thi s t i me I l i st ened, wi t hout i nt er r upt i ng,
t r yi ng onl y t o l et her know t hat I l ove her , I f eel her pai n, I amher e
f or her - t hi s i s ver y pai nf ul . She i s f ur i ous wi t h me and I amnot
gi vi ng mysel f per mi ssi on t o def end mysel f , and I hur t .
Thi s st or y has no t i dy endi ng- we t al ked f or hour s, or maybe I
l i st ened, and I hear d how di f f i cul t i t was f or her , how she f el t
i nvaded, how she f el t her home was not saf e, how she f ear ed t hat my
ot her l over woul d not l i ke her , how she f el t at t acked by her and me
bot h, how ver y much she f ear ed I was abandoni ng her . We came t o no pat
l i t t l e answer s t hat make good st or i es f or books - we j ust pour ed out
angui sh, and went t o sl eep exhaust ed. We woke up t he next mor ni ng
f eel i ng bet t er , but st i l l not over i t - t he i ssue r esur f aced
occasi onal l y f or t he next coupl e of days. The bi r t hday par t y hel ped, a
subsequent dat e wi t h Cat her i ne and her gi r l f r i end and my l over and me
hel ped, al t hough i t was di f f i cul t .
My l over and I ar e st i l l i n l ove, and st i l l wor ki ng on i t . We ar e
commi t t ed t o t hi s r el at i onshi p, and t o wor ki ng t hr ough our di f f er ences
wi t h compassi on f or each ot her and our sel ves. I amf r omt i me t o t i me
t er r i f i ed t hat she wi l l l eave me, j ust because I hat e monogamy.
Cat her i ne: I ' mi n t he bedr oomr i ght now. My l i f e par t ner i s i n t he
bat hr oom, shower i ng anot her woman' s j ui ces of f hi s ski n as he get s
r eady t o go t each a cl ass t oni ght . And how, as t he shr i nks used t o
say, does t hat make me f eel ?
Wel l , I wi sh he' d get out of t he shower and t ur n of f t he TV because I ' m
t r yi ng t o concent r at e. And I ' mgl ad t hat my housemat e l over i s
downst ai r s t al ki ng t o t he ot her woman so t hat I dont have t o go be
soci abl e when I ' d r at her wor k. But asi de f r omt hat , I ' mf eel i ng f i ne,
enj oyi ng a qui et moment i n whi ch t o wr i t e, and wonder i ng i dl y about
what t o ser ve my t eenaged ki ds f or di nner .
For most peopl e, I guess, t hi s woul d be unt hi nkabl e. I ' msupposed t o
be f eel i ng r ej ect ed and i nsecur e, awash i n r age and j eal ousy. I f I
wer e r eal l y good at t hi s, I ' d t hr ow st uf f at hi m, cr y, t hr eat en t o
l eave hi m. So what ' s wr ong wi t h me?
What ever i t i s, i t ' s been " wr ong" f or a l ong t i me. The f i r st ni ght I
spent wi t h my husband- t o- be t ook pl ace because my best f r i end, who had
come t o dr i ve me t o a doct or ' s appoi nt ment t he next day, was spendi ng
t he ni ght wi t h my cur r ent boyf r i end- wi t h my whol ehear t ed appr oval .
Dur i ng my young adul t hood, my f r i ends and I shar ed l over s as casual l y
and gener ousl y as we shar ed munchi es.
And t hen, somehow, I hi t my ear l y 20s and began, wi t hout much t hought
or vol i t i on, t o t ur n i nt o a " nor mal " per son. We got mar r i ed i n hi s
par ent s' chur ch. We had a coupl e of ki ds. We bought a house, t hen a
bi gger one. We spent l ong hour s at wor k. I can' t r emember ever even
di scussi ng whet her or not we want ed t o be monogamous - we j ust wer e.
Ten year s l at er , I awoke t o f i nd mysel f a sl ut st r anded i n subur bi a.
I st ar t ed quest i oni ng some assumpt i ons t hat we' d t aken f or gr ant ed.
What i f I got t oget her wi t h ot her s but di dn' t have i nt er cour se wi t h
t hem? What i f I br ought home a l over f or bot h of us t o shar e? No, no,
no. He di dn' t f eel comf or t abl e wi t h any of t hose opt i ons. I f el t mor e
and mor e t r apped. He f el t mor e and mor e expl oi t ed. Fi nal l y, wi t h
sadness and a sense of i nevi t abi l i t y, we par t ed ( most l y) f r i ends.
Suddenl y, t he wor l d was my candy st or e. I di scover ed r api dl y t hat a
woman who i s i nt er est ed i n sex and open t o many sexual exper i ences, but
expl i ci t l y not i nt er est ed i n mar r i age, t ends t o become ext r emel y
popul ar ext r emel y f ast . I had my f i r st f emal e l over , my f i r st t hr ee
way r el at i onshi p. Rat her qui ckl y, I set t l ed i nt o a gr eat ci r cl e of
" f uck buddi es" peopl e I war ml y l i ked, who I coul d cal l f or a movi e or a
meal or a f uck or a conver sat i on. I r emember t el l i ng a r ecent l y
di vor ced col l eague - a woman of gr eat er convent i onal beaut y, weal t h and
desi r abi l i t y t han I - - t hat si nce my br eakup I ' d never spent a weekend
ni ght al one except by choi ce. She, mi ser abl e i n her husband- hunt i ng
st r uggl es, coul dn' t bel i eve i t . And at t he t i me, I di dn' t have t he
wor ds t o expl ai n t o her how at t r act i ve happy, gui l t - f r ee, noncommi t t al
sex coul d make a per son.
I nt o t he mi dst of t hi s comf or t abl e menager i e f el l my new par t ner . We
wer e passi onat el y i n l ove al most f r omour f i r st meet i ng, yet i t never
even occur r ed t o us t o di scuss t he possi bi l i t y of monogamy: bot h of us
" def aul t ed" t o sl ut hood as easi l y as my ex and I had " def aul t ed" t o
monogamy a decade and a hal f bef or e. I t el l peopl e t hat we wer e bot h
dat i ng ot her s at t he t i me we met , and si mpl y f or got t o st op. ( He had
never been monogamous i n hi s l i f e and had no i nt ent i on of st ar t i ng, and
I ' d had enough monogamy t o l ast me sever al l i f et i mes. )
He met al l t he peopl e I ' d been havi ng sex wi t h; some he got al ong wi t h,
some he di dn' t , but he never asked me t o change my behavi or t owar d any
of t hem. I met hi s l over s t oo, and wound up havi ng sex wi t h a f ew of
t hemmysel f .
That was al most seven year s ago. We' ve had l over s who have passed out
of one of our l i ves onl y t o become cl ose f r i ends of t he ot her ; l over s
who have become so cl ose t hat t hey' ve j oi ned our househol d; l over s who
have hel ped us publ i sh our books, r ai se our ki ds, under st and our l i ves,
get our r ocks of f . Separ at el y and t oget her , we' ve had casual f uck
buddy- hoods, i nt i mat e l ovi ng f r i endshi ps, i nt ense r omant i c cr ushes. So
f ar - and I cr oss my f i nger s as I wr i t e t hi s- i t ' s al l wor ki ng out .
When I meet peopl e who t el l me t hat t hey ar e monogamous because ot her
r el at i onshi p st yl es ar e " t oo har d. " I f eel puzzl ed. I ' ve done
monogamy and I ' ve done sl ut hood and t her e' s no quest i on i n my mi nd
whi ch one i s har der f or me.
Meanwhi l e, a l i t t l e whi l e ago my par t ner popped out of t he shower al l
cl ean and gl owi ng. ( Yes, t he TV' s of f , and I deci ded on baked beans
and hot dogs f or di nner . ) I asked hi m, " So, di d you have a good t i me?"
He gr i nned and nodded. " And di d she have a good t i me?" He gr i nned
wi der and nodded mor e emphat i cal l y. And t hat was t hat . We ki ssed
goodbye, sai d " I l ove you, " and he went of f t o wor k.
What ever ' s wr ong wi t h me, I hope i t never get s cur ed.
CHAPTER 2. VALUES AND ETHI CS
val ues: deni al vs. f ul f i l l ment
Dossi e' s bachel or ' s t hesi s was ent i t l ed " Sex I s Ni ce And Pl easur e I s
Good For You. " That i dea i s as r adi cal now, i n t he ' 90s, as i t was
back i n t he ' 70s when Dossi e f i r st wr ot e i t .
Our cul t ur e posi t i vel y wor shi ps sel f - deni al - t hose who unapol oget i cal l y
sat i sf y t hei r desi r es, whet her t hey be f or f ood, r ecr eat i on or sex, ar e
vi l i f i ed as i mmat ur e, di sgust i ng, even si nf ul . Whi l e we' l l l eave i t t o
ot her aut hor s t o speak agai nst anor exi a and wor kahol i sm, we can
cer t ai nl y say t hat we see t he pat h of sex- negat i vi smand l i vi ng i n
sexual depr i vat i on as a har mf ul one. Sel f - l oat hi ng, hat r ed of one' s
own body and sexual i t y, f ear and gui l t over one' s own sexual ur ges ar e
t he out come.
We see our sel ves sur r ounded by t he " wal ki ng wounded" by peopl e who have
been deepl y, i f not i r r evocabl y, i nj ur ed by f ear , shame and hat r ed of
t hei r own sexual sel ves. We bel i eve t hat happy connect ed sex i s t he
cur e f or t hese wounds, t hat i t i s i s i mpor t ant , possi bl y even
essent i al , t o most peopl e' s sense of sel f - wor t h, t o t hei r bel i ef t hat
l i f e i s good. We have never met anyone who had l ow sel f - est eemat t he
moment of or gasm.
DOES SEX NEED A " REASON" ?
I f you wal k up t o a r andoml y sel ect ed i ndi vi dual and pr opose t hat sex
i s ni ce and pl easur e i s good f or you, you wi l l pr obabl y hear a l ot of
spl ut t er i ng, ar gument and " yahbut s" _ AI DS, unwant ed pr egnanci es, r ape,
t he Madi son Avenue commer ci al i zat i on of sexual desi r e, and so on. None
of whi ch change t he cor e i dea.
Ther e i s not hi ng i n t he wor l d so t er r i f i c t hat i t can' t be abused i f
you' r e det er mi ned t o do so: f ami l i al connect i ons can be vi ol at ed,
sexual desi r e can be mani pul at ed. Even chocol at e can be abused. That
doesn' t change t he basi c wonder f ul ness of any of t hese t hi ngs: t he
danger l i es i n t he mot i vat i on of t he abuser , not t he nat ur e of t he
i t em.
Sex get s a bad r ap f r omour an hedoni c cul t ur e, whose Pur i t an r oot s
have l ed t o a deep di st r ust of pl easur e f or i t s own sake. That
di st r ust of t en expr esses i t sel f i n concer ns l i ke t hose expr essed by our
myt hi cal per son on t he st r eet above. I f t her e wer e no such t hi ng as
sexual l y t r ansmi t t ed di sease, i f nobody got pr egnant unl ess t hey want ed
t o, i f al l sex wer e consensual and pl easur abl e, how woul d t he wor l d
f eel about i t t hen? How woul d you f eel ?
I f you l ook deep i nsi de your sel f , we bet you can f i nd bi t s and pi eces
of sex- negat i vi sm, of t en hi di ng behi nd j udgment al wor ds l i ke
" pr omi scuous, " " hedoni st i c, " " decadent " and " nonpr oduct i ve. " ( The t wo
of us ar e about as sl ut t y as you can get , and we' r e cer t ai nl y not
i mmune t o t hi s sor t of cul t ur al pr ogr ammi ng. )
Even peopl e who consi der t hemsel ves sex- posi t i ve and sexual l y l i ber at ed
of t en f al l i nt o a di f f er ent t r ap t he t r ap of r at i onal i zi ng sex.
Rel easi ng physi cal t ensi on, r el i evi ng menst r ual sympt oms, mai nt ai ni ng
ment al heal t h, pr event i ng pr ost at e pr obl ems, maki ng babi es, cement i ng
r el at i onshi ps and so on ar e al l admi r abl e goal s, and wonder f ul si de
benef i t s of sex. But t hey ar e not what sex i s f or . Sex i s f or
pl easur e, a compl et e and wor t hwhi l e goal i n and of i t sel f . Peopl e have
sex because i t f eel s ver y good, and t hen t hey f eel good about
t hemsel ves. The wor t hi ness of pl easur e i s one of t he cor e val ues of
et hi cal sl ut hood et hi cs
We ar e et hi cal peopl e, et hi cal sl ut s. I t i s ver y i mpor t ant t o us t o
t r eat peopl e wel l and not hur t anyone. Our et hi cs come f r omour own
sense of Ti ght ness, and f r omt he empat hy and l ove we hol d f or t hose
ar ound us. I t i s not okay wi t h us t o hur t anot her per son because t hen
we hur t t oo, and we dont f eel good about our sel ves.
Et hi cal sl ut domi s a chal l engi ng pat h: we dont have a pol yamor ous Mi ss
Manner s t el l i ng us how t o do our t hi ng cour t eousl y and r espect f ul l y, so
we have t o make i t up as we go al ong. However , we' r e sur e you' ve
f i gur ed out by now t hat t o us, bei ng a sl ut doesn' t mean si mpl y doi ng
what ever you want , whenever you want , wi t h whomever you want .
So i n t hi s sl i ght l y di sor i ent i ng wor l d of sl ut hood i n whi ch ever yt hi ng
your mom, your mi ni st er , your spouse and your t el evi si on ever t ol d you
i s pr obabl y wr ong, how do you f i nd your et hi cal cent er ?
Most of our cr i t er i a f or et hi cs ar e qui t e pr agmat i c. I s anyone bei ng
har med? I s t her e any way t o avoi d causi ng t hat har m? Ar e t her e any
r i sks? I s ever ybody i nvol ved awar e of t hose r i sks and doi ng what can
be done t o mi ni mi ze t hem?
And, on t he posi t i ve si de: How much f un i s i t ? What i s ever ybody
l ear ni ng f r omi t ? I s i t hel pi ng someone t o gr ow? I s i t hel pi ng make
t he wor l d a bet t er pl ace?
Fi r st and f or emost , et hi cal sl ut s val ue consent . When we use t hi s
wor d- and we wi l l , of t en, t hr oughout t hi s book- we mean " an act i ve
col l abor at i on f or t he benef i t , wel l - bei ng and pl easur e of al l per sons
concer ned. " I f someone i s bei ng coer ced, bul l i ed, bl ackmai l ed,
mani pul at ed, l i ed t o or i gnor ed, what i s happeni ng i s not consensual .
And sex whi ch i s not consensual i s not et hi cal - per i od.
Et hi cal sl ut s ar e honest - wi t h our sel ves and ot her s. We t ake t i me wi t h
our sel ves, t o f i gur e out our own emot i ons and mot i vat i ons, and t o
unt angl e t hemf or gr eat er cl ar i t y when necessar y. Then we openl y shar e
t hat i nf or mat i on wi t h t hose who need i t . We do our best not t o l et our
f ear s and bashf ul ness be an obst acl e t o our honest y- we t r ust t hat our
par t ner s wi l l go on r espect i ng and l ovi ng us, war t s and al l .
Et hi cal sl ut s al so r ecogni ze t he r ami f i cat i ons of our sexual choi ces.
We see t hat our emot i ons, our upbr i ngi ng and t he st andar ds of our
cul t ur e of t en conf l i ct wi t h our sexual desi r es. And we make a
consci ous commi t ment t o suppor t i ng our sel ves and our par t ner s as we
deal wi t h t hose conf l i ct s, honest l y and honor abl y.
We do not al l ow our sexual choi ces t o have an unnecessar y i mpact on
t hose who have not consent ed t o par t i ci pat e. We ar e r espect f ul of
ot her s' f eel i ngs, and when we ar en' t sur e how someone f eel s, we ask.
Et hi cal sl ut s r ecogni ze t he di f f er ence bet ween t hi ngs t hey can and
shoul d cont r ol , and t hi ngs t hey can' t . Whi l e we somet i mes may f eel
j eal ous or t er r i t or i al , we own t hose f eel i ngs doi ng our best not t o
bl ame or cont r ol , but aski ng f or t he suppor t we need t o hel p our sel ves
f eel saf e and car ed f or .
Al l of t hi s can be har d, but your aut hor s ar e her e t o hel p. We wr ot e
t hi s book t o hel p you become an et hi cal sl ut .
Sex and Rel at i onshi ps
Our monogamy- cent r i st cul t ur e t ends t o assume t hat t he pur pose and
ul t i mat e goal of al l r el at i onshi ps- and, f or t hat mat t er , al l sex- i s
l i f et i me pai r - bondi ng, and t hat any r el at i onshi p whi ch f al l s shor t of
t hat goal has f ai l ed. We di sagr ee.
We t hi nk sexual pl easur e can cer t ai nl y cont r i but e t o l ove, commi t ment ,
and l ong- t er mst abi l i t y, i f t hat ' s what you want . But t hose ar e har dl y
t he onl y good r easons f or havi ng sex. We bel i eve i n val ui ng
r el at i onshi ps f or what makes t hemval uabl e, a seemi ng t aut ol ogy whi ch
i s wi ser t han i t sounds.
A r el at i onshi p may be val uabl e si mpl y because i t af f or ds sexual
pl easur e t o t hose i nvol ved; t her e i s not hi ng wr ong wi t h sex f or sex' s
sake. Or i t mi ght i nvol ve sex as a pat hway t o ot her l ovel y t hi ngs
- i nt i macy, connect i on, compani onshi p, even r omant i c l ove- whi ch i n no
way obvi at es t he basi c goodness of t he pl easur abl e sex.
A sexual r el at i onshi p may l ast f or an hour or t wo. I t ' s st i l l a
r el at i onshi p; t he par t i ci pant s have r el at ed t o one anot her , as sex
par t ner s, compani ons and/ or l over s, f or t he dur at i on of t hei r
i nt er act i on. Longevi t y i s not a good cr i t er i on by whi ch t o j udge t he
success or f ai l ur e of a r el at i onshi p: Edna St . Vi ncent Mi l l ay wr ot e:
Af t er al l , my er st whi l e dear , My no l onger cher i shed. Need we say i t
wasn' t l ove J ust because i t per i shed?
One- ni ght st ands can be i nt ense, l i f e- enhanci ng and f ul f i l l i ng; so can
l i f et i me l ove af f ai r s. Whi l e et hi cal sl ut s may choose t o have some
ki nds of r el at i onshi ps and not ot her s, we bel i eve t hat al l
r el at i onshi ps have t he pot ent i al t o t each us, move us, and above al l
gi ve us pl easur e.
Our f r i end J aymes says, " I bel i eve t hat ever y per son you connect wi t h
on t hi s pl anet has some sor t of a message t o gi ve you. I f you cut
your sel f of f f r omwhat ever ki nd of r el at i onshi p want s t o f or mwi t h t hat
per son, you' r e f ai l i ng t o pi ck up your messages. "
Or , t o put i t anot her way, Dossi e r emember s an i nt er vi ew wi t h a young
f l ower chi l d back i n 1967 who made t he most succi nct st at ement of
et hi cal sl ut hood we' ve ever seen: " We bel i eve i t ' s okay t o have sex
wi t h anybody you l ove. . . and we bel i eve i n l ovi ng ever ybody! "
See t her e? You dont need a l ot of " t hou shal t not s" t o be an et hi cal
per son. Honest y, empat hy, f or esi ght , i nt egr i t y, i nt el l i gence and
r espect wi l l do j ust f i ne.
CHAPTER 3. PARADI GMS, OLD AND NEW
We' r e sur e you dont need us t o t el l you t hat t he wor l d does not , f or
t he most par t , honor sl ut hood or t hi nk wel l of t hose who ar e sexual l y
expl or at i ve. I n t hi s chapt er we' l l di scuss some of t he i deas and
assumpt i ons t hat have hel ped make so many sl ut s f eel bad about
t hemsel ves. Whi l e you r ead t hem, you mi ght l i ke t hi nk about what al l
t hese j udgment s about sl ut s t el l us about our cul t ur e.
" pr omi scuous"
Thi s means we enj oy t oo many sexual par t ner s. Thi s wor d al one has
possi bl y cr eat ed mor e unhappy sl ut s t han any ot her . ( We' ve al so been
cal l ed " i ndi scr i mi nat e" i n our sexual i t y, whi ch we r esent : we can
al ways t el l our l over s apar t . )
We do not bel i eve t hat t her e i s such a t hi ng as t oo much sex, except
per haps on cer t ai n happy occasi ons when our opt i ons exceed our
abi l i t i es, nor do we bel i eve t hat t he et hi cs we ar e t al ki ng about her e
have anyt hi ng t o do wi t h moder at i on or abst i nence. Ki nsey once def i ned
a " nymphomani ac" as " someone who has mor e sex t han you. " 2
I s havi ng l ess sex somehow mor e vi r t uous t han havi ng mor e? We t hi nk
not . We measur e t he et hi cs of a good sl ut not by t he number of hi s
par t ner s, but by t he r espect and car e wi t h whi ch he t r eat s t hem.
" amor al "
Our cul t ur e al so t el l s us t hat sl ut s ar e evi l , uncar i ng, amor al and
dest r uct i ve- J ezebel , Casanova, Don J uan. Wat ch out ! The myt hol ogi cal
evi l sl ut i s gr aspi ng and mani pul at i ve, seeki ng t o st eal somet hi ng
- vi r t ue, money, sel f - est eem- f r omhi s par t ner s. I n some ways, t hi s
ar chet ype i s based on t he i dea t hat sex i s a commodi t y, a coi n you
t r ade f or somet hi ng el se st abi l i t y, chi l dr en, a weddi ng r i ng and t hat
any ot her t r ansact i on const i t ut es bei ng cheat ed and bet r ayed. ( Once
when Dossi e was r ecover i ng f r oma bot ched abor t i on a f r i endl y nur se
t r i ed t o comf or t her by sayi ng, " I know, honey, t hey al l pr omi se t o
mar r y you. " Dossi e managed t o keep a st r ai ght f ace- t he nur se was
f r i endl y and suppor t i ve, and i t seemed cr uel t o i nf or mher t hat she
woul dn' t have dr eamed of mar r yi ng t he unet hi cal sl ut who by t hi s t i me
was conspi cuous onl y by hi s cowar dl y absence. )
We have r ar el y obser ved any J ezebel s or Casanovas i n our communi t y, but
per haps i t i s not ver y sat i sf yi ng f or a t hi ef t o st eal what i s f r eel y
gi ven. We do not wor r y about bei ng r obbed of our sexual val ue by t he
peopl e we shar e pl easur e wi t h.
" si nf ul "
Some peopl e base t hei r sense of et hi cs on what God, or t hei r chur ch, or
t hei r par ent s, or t hei r cul t ur e, consi der s okay or not okay. They
bel i eve t hat bei ng good consi st s of obedi ence t o l aws set down by a
power gr eat er t han t hemsel ves. Dossi e r emember s expl ai ni ng t o some
f ami l y f r i ends t hat she had l ef t t he chur ch she was r ai sed i n because
she di dn' t bel i eve a j ust God woul d puni sh her aunt f or get t i ng a ( much
j ust i f i ed) di vor ce. The f ami l y f r i ends wer e pr et t y conser vat i ve
peopl e, and of an ol der gener at i on. One of t hemasked, " Wel l , i f you
dont bel i eve God wi l l puni sh you, why dont you j ust go ar ound mur der i ng
peopl e?" Dossi e expl ai ned t hat she doesn' t mur der peopl e because her
i nt er nal sense of et hi cs, her empat hy wi t h ot her s, and her desi r e t o
f eel good about her sel f , al l t el l her t hat t o har manot her per son woul d
be a t er r i bl e t hi ng f or her t o do.
To bel i eve t hat God doesn' t l i ke sex i s l i ke bel i evi ng t hat God doesn' t
l i ke you: we al l wi nd up car r yi ng a secr et shame f or our own per f ect l y
nat ur al sexual desi r es and f ul f i l l ment s. We pr ef er t he bel i ef s of a
woman we met who i s a devot ed chur chgoer . She t ol d us t hat when she
was about f i ve year s ol d, she di scover ed t he j oys of mast ur bat i on i n
t he back seat of t he f ami l y car , t ucked under a war mbl anket on a l ong
t r i p. I t f el t so wonder f ul t hat she concl uded t hat t he exi st ence of
her cl i t or i s was pr oof posi t i ve t hat God l oved her .
" pat hol ogi cal "
I n t he l at e 19t h Cent ur y, wi t h t he advent of psychol ogi cal st udi es of
sexual behavi or , Kr af f t - Ebi ng and Fr eud at t empt ed t o pr each mor e
t ol er ance by t heor i zi ng t hat sl ut s ar e not bad, but si ck, suf f er i ng
f r ompsychopat hol ogy t hat i s not t hei r f aul t , si nce t hei r neur osi s
der i ves f r omhavi ng t hei r sexual i t y war ped by t hei r par ent s dur i ng
t hei r t oi l et t r ai ni ng. So, t heor et i cal l y, we shoul d no l onger bur n
sl ut s at t he st ake, but send t hemt o ment al hospi t al s t o be cur ed of
r epr essi on i n an at mospher e t hat per mi t s no sexual expr essi on
what soever .
Dur i ng your aut hor s' chi l dhood and adol escence i n t he ear l y ' 60s, i t
was st i l l common pr act i ce t o cer t i f y and i ncar cer at e adol escent s f or
" t r eat ment " of t he " i l l ness" of bei ng sexual , especi al l y i f t hey wer e
gay or l esbi an, or f emal e and i n danger of damagi ng t hei r mar ket val ue
as vi r gi ns. Het er osexual men wer e vi r t ual l y never pat hol ogi zed and
i ncar cer at ed t o pr event t hemf r ombei ng sexual bef or e t hey wer e
ei ght een.
Consi der t he concept of nymphomani a, a di sease never at t r i but ed t o men.
I t i s woman, enj oyi ng sex wi t h no one i n cont r ol except her sel f , who i s
consi der ed danger ous and si ck. Dossi e not es t hat i n t hr ee decades of
bei ng a sex r adi cal , she has obser ved onl y one i nci dence of a per son
dr i ven by such i ndi scr i mi nat e and const ant sexual need t hat i t
const i t ut ed a dest r uct i ve f or ce i n her l i f e, who i n Dossi e' s opi ni on
mat ched t he cr i t er i a f or nymphomani a. But she has cl i ent s i n her
t her apy pr act i ce who descr i be t hemsel ves as nymphomani acs i f t hey
mast ur bat e ever y day.
" addi ct ed"
Mor e r ecent l y we hear about sex addi ct s and avoi dance of i nt i macy. Sex
addi ct i on i s usual l y def i ned as t he subst i t ut i on of sex f or nour i shment
of ot her needs, l i ke t o al l ay anxi et y or bol st er saggi ng sel f - est eem.
Such peopl e may have compul si ve needs t o " scor e, " t o succeed sexual l y
wi t h a l ar ge number of par t ner s, or t o get val i dat i on f or t hei r sexual
at t r act i veness over and over , as i f t hey need const ant r eassur ance
because at t he cor e t hey do not see t hemsel ves as at t r act i ve and
l ovabl e. Sex can be mi sused as a subst i t ut e f or connect i on, emot i onal
r el at i onshi p or a sol i d sense of i nt er nal secur i t y based on knowi ng
your own wor t h. Some sexual abuse sur vi vor s become what i s cal l ed
" sexual i zed" i n a chi l dhood wher e t he cl osest appr oxi mat i on t o adul t
at t ent i on, val i dat i on and af f ect i on t hey had was mol est at i on. Such
sur vi vor s may need t o expand t hei r opt i ons and l ear n ot her ways t o get
t hei r needs met . On t he ot her hand, " sex addi ct " seems t o be t he
l at est i ncar nat i on of cul t ur al j udgment about sl ut s: a good f r i end of
Cat her i ne' s once t ol d her , qui t e ser i ousl y, t hat t he r eason Cat her i ne
was so cont ent ed was t hat she was a sex addi ct who had managed t o f i nd
a way t o make a l i f est yl e out of her addi ct i on.
I f you ar e wor ki ng on any of t hese i ssues, we suggest t hat you put some
t hought i nt o how you woul d l i ke your sexual i t y t o be di f f er ent i n t he
f ut ur e. Some t wel ve- st ep gr oups and t her api st s may t r y t o t el l you
t hat anyt hi ng but t he most conser vat i ve of sexual behavi or s i s wr ong,
or unheal t hy, or " i nt o your addi ct i on" ; we encour age you t o t r ust your
own bel i ef s and f i nd your sel f a mor e suppor t i ve envi r onment . I f your
goal i s monogamy, t hat ' s f i ne, and i f your goal i s t o st op seeki ng sex
i n t he pl ace of f r i endshi p, or any ot her behavi or pat t er n t hat you wi sh
t o' r e scul pt t hat ' s f i ne t oo. We do not bel i eve t hat successf ul l y
r ecover i ng sex addi ct s have t o be monogamous unl ess t hey want t o be.
" easy"
I s t her e, we wonder , some vi r t ue i n bei ng di f f i cul t ?
Myt hs About Sl ut s
One of t he chal l enges f aci ng t he et hi cal sl ut i s our cul t ur e' s
i nsi st ence t hat , si mpl y because " ever ybody knows" somet hi ng, i t must
i nevi t abl y be t r ue. A l ot of t hese cul t ur al par adi gms have become
al most i nvi si bl e; peopl e t ake t hemas much f or gr ant ed as t he ai r t hey
br eat he or t he gr ound t hey wal k on. Quest i oni ng what " ever ybody knows"
i s somet i mes di f f i cul t and di sor i ent i ng, but we have f ound i t t o be
r ewar di ng - quest i oni ng i s t he f i r st st ep t owar d cr eat i ng a new
par adi gm, one t hat may f i t you bet t er .
We ur ge you t o r egar d wi t h gr eat skept i ci smany sent ence t hat begi ns
" Ever ybody knows t hat . . . " or " Common sense t el l s us t hat . . . " or " I t ' s
common knowl edge t hat . . . . " Of t en, t hese phr ases ar e si gnpost s f or
cul t ur al bel i ef syst ems whi ch may be ant i sexual monogamy- cent r i st
and/ or co dependent
Cul t ur al bel i ef syst ems can be ver y deepl y r oot ed i n l i t er at ur e, l aw
and ar chet ype, whi ch means t hat shaki ng t hemf r omyour own per sonal
et hos can be di f f i cul t . But t he f i r st st ep i n expl or i ng t hemi s, of
cour se, r ecogni zi ng t hem.
Her e, t hen, ar e some of t he per vasi ve myt hs t hat we have hear d al l our
l i ves, and have come t o under st and ar e most of t en unt r ue and
dest r uct i ve t o our r el at i onshi ps and our l i ves.
myt h #1: l ong- t er mmonogamous r el at i onshi ps ar e t he onl y r eal
r el at i onshi ps.
Li f et i me monogamy as an i deal i s a r el at i vel y new concept i n human
hi st or y, and makes us uni que among pr i mat es. Ther e i s not hi ng t hat can
be achi eved wi t hi n a l ong- t er mmonogamous r el at i onshi p t hat cannot be
achi eved wi t hout one- busi ness par t ner shi p, deep r omant i c at t achment ,
st abl e par ent i ng, per sonal gr owt h, and car e and compani onshi p dur i ng
t he agi ng pr ocess ar e al l wel l wi t hi n t he abi l i t i es of t he sl ut .
Peopl e who bel i eve t hi s myt h may f eel t hat somet hi ng i s wr ong wi t h t hem
i f t hey ar en' t i n a commi t t ed t wosome- i f t hey pr ef er t o r emai n " f r ee
agent s, " i f t hey di scover t hemsel ves l ovi ng mor e t han one per son at a
t i me, i f t hey have t r i ed one or mor e t r adi t i onal r el at i onshi ps t hat
di dn' t wor k out . I nst ead of quest i oni ng t he myt h, t hey quest i on
t hemsel ves. Such peopl e of t en have a ver y r omant i c vi ew of coupl e hood
t hat Mr . or Ms. Ri ght wi l l aut omat i cal l y sol ve al l t hei r pr obl ems,
f i l l al l t he gaps, make t hei r l i ves compl et e.
One f r i end of our s poi nt s out t hat i f somet hi ng goes wr ong i n a
monogamous mar r i age, nobody t akes t hat as evi dence agai nst t he
pr act i cal i t y of monogamy- but i f somet hi ng goes awr y i n an open
r el at i onshi p, many f ol ks i nst ant l y t ake t hat as pr oof t hat non- monogamy
doesn' t wor k.
A subset of t hi s myt h i s t he bel i ef t hat i f you' r e r eal l y i n l ove, you
wi l l aut omat i cal l y l ose al l i nt er est i n ot her s, and t hus, i f you' r e
havi ng sexual or r omant i c f eel i ngs t owar d anyone but your par t ner ,
you' r e not r eal l y i n l ove. Thi s myt h has cost many peopl e a gr eat deal
of happi ness t hr ough t he cent ur i es, yet i s unt r ue t o t he poi nt of
absur di t y; a r i ng ar ound t he f i nger does not cause a ner ve bl ock t o t he
geni t al s. Even happi l y monogamous coupl es r ecogni ze t he r eal i t i es of
out si de sexual and r omant i c desi r e: i f J i mmy Car t er coul d l ust i n hi s
hear t , so can you.
myt h #2: sexual desi r e i s a dest r uct i ve f or ce.
Thi s one goes al l t he way back t o t he Gar den of Eden, and l eads t o a
l ot of cr azy- maki ng doubl e st andar ds. I n t hi s wor l dvi ew, men ar e
hopel essl y sexual l y vor aci ous and pr edat or y, and women ar e supposed t o
cont r ol and ci vi l i ze t hemby bei ng pur e, asexual and wi t hhol di ng. Thus
t he openl y sexual woman dest r oys ci vi l i zat i on.
Many peopl e al so bel i eve t hat unashamed sexual desi r e, par t i cul ar l y
desi r e f or many peopl e, dest r oys t he f ami l y yet we suspect t hat f ar
mor e f ami l i es have been dest r oyed by bi t t er di vor ces over adul t er y t han
have ever been di st ur bed by et hi cal consensual nonmonogamy.
myt h #3: l ovi ng someone makes i t OK t o cont r ol hi s behavi or .
Thi s ki nd of t er r i t or i al r easoni ng i s desi gned, we guess, t o make
peopl e f eel secur e- but we dont bel i eve t hat anybody has t he r i ght ,
much l ess t he obl i gat i on, t o cont r ol t he behavi or of anot her
f unct i oni ng adul t . Bei ng t r eat ed accor di ng t o t hi s myt h doesn' t make
us f eel secur e, i t makes us f eel f ur i ous. The ol d " awww, she' s
j eal ous- she must r eal l y car e about me" r easoni ng, or t he scene i n
whi ch t he gi r l f al l s i n l ove wi t h t he boy when he punches out a r i val
sui t or , ar e sympt omat i c of a ver y di st ur bed set of per sonal boundar i es
whi ch can l ead t o a gr eat deal of unhappi ness.
Thi s myt h al so l eads t o t he bel i ef , so of t en pr omul gat ed i n Hol l ywood
f i l ms and popul ar l i t er at ur e, t hat f ucki ng someone el se i s somet hi ng
you do t o your par t ner , not f or your sel f - and i s, mor eover , t he ver y
wor st t hi ng you can do t o someone. ( For many year s, adul t er y was t he
onl y l egal l y accept abl e gr ounds f or di vor ce, l eavi ng t hose who had
unf or t unat el y mar r i ed bat t er er s or dr unks i n a ver y di f f i cul t
posi t i on. ) Peopl e who bel i eve t hi s of t en bel i eve t hat nonmonogamy must
be non consensual i n or der t o pr ot ect t he sensi bi l i t i es of t he
" bet r ayed" par t ner .
myt h #4. j eal ousy i s i nevi t abl e and i mpossi bl e t o over come.
J eal ousy i s, wi t hout a doubt , a ver y common exper i ence i n our cul t ur e
- so much so t hat a per son who doesn' t exper i ence j eal ousy i s l ooked at
as a bi t odd, or i n deni al . But t he f act i s t hat a si t uat i on whi ch
woul d cause i nt ense j eal ousy f or one per son can be no bi g deal f or
anot her . Some peopl e get j eal ous when t hei r honey t akes a si p out of
someone el se' s Coke, ot her s happi l y wat ch t hei r bel oved wave bye- bye
f or a mont h of amor ous spor t i ng wi t h a f r i end at t he f ar end of t he
count r y. J eal ousy i s common, but f ar f r omi nevi t abl e.
Some peopl e al so bel i eve t hat j eal ousy i s such a shat t er i ng emot i on
t hat t hey have no choi ce but t o succumb t o i t . On t he cont r ar y, we
have f ound t hat j eal ousy i s an emot i on l i ke any ot her : i t f eel s bad
( somet i mes ver y bad) , but i t i s not i nt ol er abl e; somet i mes t he best
t hi ng t o do wi t h j eal ousy i s si mpl y t o al l ow your sel f t o f eel i t . We
have al so f ound t hat many of t he t hi nki ng pat t er ns whi ch l ead t o
j eal ousy can be unl ear ned, and t hat unl ear ni ng t hemi s of t en a usef ul
pr ocess. Lat er i n t hi s book, we wi l l di scuss j eal ousy i n much gr eat er
det ai l .
myt h #5: out si de i nvol vement s r educe i nt i macy i n t he pr i mar y
r el at i onshi p and i mpede pr obl em- sol vi ng.
Most mar r i age counsel or s ar e t aught t hat when a member of an ot her wi se
happi l y mar r i ed coupl e has an " af f ai r , " t hi s must be a sympt omof
unr esol ved conf l i ct or unf ul f i l l ed needs t hat shoul d be deal t wi t h i n
t he pr i mar y r el at i onshi p. Somet i mes t hi s i s t r ue, and equal l y of t en i t
i s not . The pr obl emi s t hat t hi s myt h l eaves no r oomf or t he
possi bi l i t y of gr owt hf ul and const r uct i ve open sexual l i f est yl es. I t
i s cr uel and i nsensi t i ve t o i nt er pr et an af f ai r as a sympt omof
si ckness i n t he r el at i onshi p, as i t l eaves t he " cheat ed- on" par t ner who
may al r eady be f eel i ng i nsecur e- t o wonder what i s wr ong wi t h hi m.
Meanwhi l e, t he " cheat i ng" par t ner get s t ol d t hat she i s onl y " act i ng
out " t o get back at her pr i mar y par t ner , and she r eal l y doesn' t want ,
need or even l i ke her l over .
Many peopl e have sex out si de t hei r pr i mar y r el at i onshi ps f or r easons
t hat have not hi ng t o do wi t h any i nadequacy i n t hei r par t ner or i n t he
r el at i onshi p. Per haps t hi s out si de r el at i onshi p al l ows a par t i cul ar
ki nd of i nt i macy t hat t he pr i mar y par t ner doesn' t even want , such as
f et i sh behavi or or par t i cul ar sexual act i vi t i es, and t hus const i t ut es a
r esol ut i on of an ot her wi se i nsol ubl e conf l i ct . Or per haps i t meet s
ot her needs- such as a need f or uncompl i cat ed physi cal sex wi t hout t he
t r appi ngs of r el at i onshi p, or f or sex wi t h someone of a gender ot her
t han one' s par t ner ' s, or f or sex at a t i me when i t i s ot her wi se not
avai l abl e ( dur i ng t r avel or a par t ner ' s i l l ness, f or exampl e) . Or i t
may si mpl y be a nat ur al ext ensi on of an emot i onal and/ or physi cal
at t r act i on t o someone besi des t he pr i mar y par t ner .
An out si de i nvol vement does not i n any way have t o subt r act f r omt he
i nt i macy you shar e wi t h your par t ner unl ess you l et i t . And we
si ncer el y hope you won' t .
myt h #6: " swept away by l ove. "
Hol l ywood t el l s us t hat " l ove means never havi ng t o say you' r e sor r y, "
and we, f ool s t hat we ar e, bel i eve i t . Thi s myt h has i t t hat i f you' r e
r eal l y i n l ove wi t h someone, you never have t o ar gue, di sagr ee,
communi cat e, negot i at e or do any ot her ki nd of wor k. I t al so t el l s us
t hat l ove means we aut omat i cal l y get t ur ned on by our bel oved, and t hat
we never have t o do anyt hi ng t o del i ber at el y ki ndl e passi on. Those who
bel i eve t hi s myt h may f i nd t hemsel ves f eel i ng t hat t hei r l ove has
f ai l ed ever y t i me t hey need t o schedul e a di scussi on or t o have a
cour t eous ( or not - so- cour t eous) di sagr eement . They may al so bel i eve
t hat any sexual behavi or t hat doesn' t f i t t hei r cr i t er i a f or " nor mal "
sex- f r omf ant asi es t o vi br at or s- i s " ar t i f i ci al , " and i ndi cat es t hat
somet hi ng i s l acki ng i n t he qual i t y of t hei r l ove.
What We Bel i eve
So we j ust spent a whol e sect i on t el l i ng you about al l t he concept s and
myt hol ogi es t he wor l d may bel i eve about sl ut s. Now, we' l l t el l you our
si de of t he st or y- t he way we l ook at our l i ves and t he l i ves of t he
peopl e we know.
YOU ARE ALREADY WHOLE
J ane Aust en wr ot e, " I t i s a t r ut h uni ver sal l y acknowl edged t hat a
si ngl e man i n possessi on of a good f or t une must be i n want of a wi f e. " 3
Whi l e we t hi nk J ane pr obabl y had her t ongue f i r ml y pl ant ed i n her
cheek, a gr eat many peopl e do bel i eve t hat t o be si ngl e i s t o be
somehow i ncompl et e, and t hat t hey need t o f i nd t hei r " ot her hal f . " A
l ot of t he myt hs we ment i oned i n t he pr evi ous sect i on ar e based i n t hat
bel i ef .
We bel i eve, on t he ot her hand, t hat t he f undament al sexual uni t i s one
per son; addi ng mor e peopl e t o t hat uni t may be i nt i mat e, f un and
compani onabl e but does not compl et e anybody. The onl y t hi ng i n t hi s
wor l d t hat you can cont r ol i s your sel f - your own r eact i ons, desi r es and
behavi or s. Thus, a f undament al st ep i n et hi cal sl ut hood i s t o br i ng
your l ocus of cont r ol i nt o your sel f - t o r ecogni ze t he di f f er ence
bet ween your " st uf f " and ot her peopl e' s. When you do t hi s, you become
abl e t o compl et e your sel f . That ' s why we cal l t hi s " i nt egr i t y. "
You may not i ce t hat t he par t s of t hi s book ar e based i n t hat i dea: i n
Par t I , we t al k about t he i deas and concept s you need t o gr asp wi t hi n
your sel f ; i n Par t I I , we t al k about i nt er act i ons wi t h ot her sl ut s; and
i n Par t I I I , we di scuss i nt er act i ons wi t h t he wor l d. ( I n Par t I V, we
cover t he f un st uf f t hat di dn' t f i t i n anywher e el se. ) Si mi l ar l y,
t hr oughout t he book, ever y t i me we i nt r oduce a new i dea or concept , we
wi l l st ar t by di scussi ng how i t wor ks f or t he i ndi vi dual - you need t o
under st and t hese concept s, and how t hey appl y t o you, bef or e you can
begi n communi cat i ng your needs and i deas t o t he ot her peopl e i n your
l i f e. When you have bui l t a sat i sf yi ng r el at i onshi p wi t h your sel f ,
t hen you have somet hi ng of gr eat wor t h t o shar e wi t h ot her s.
st ar vat i on economi es
Many peopl e bel i eve, expl i ci t l y or i mpl i ci t l y, t hat r omant i c l ove,
i nt i macy and connect i on ar e f i ni t e capabi l i t i es of whi ch t her e i s never
enough t o go ar ound, and t hat i f you gi ve some t o one per son, you must
be t aki ng some away f r omanot her .
We cal l t hi s bel i ef a " st ar vat i on economy" ; we' l l t al k much mor e about
i t i n Par t I I . Many of us l ear n t o t hi nk t hi s way i n chi l dhood, f r om
par ent s who have l i t t l e i nt i macy or at t ent i on f or us, so we l ear n t hat
t her e i s onl y a l i mi t ed amount of l ove i n t he wor l d and we have t o
f i ght f or what ever we get of t en i n cut t hr oat compet i t i on wi t h our
br ot her s and si st er s.
Peopl e who oper at e f r omst ar vat i on economi es can become ver y possessi ve
about t he peopl e, t hi ngs and i deas t hat mat t er t o t hem. They ar e
wor ki ng f r oma par adi gmt hat anyt hi ng t hey get comes f r oma smal l pool
of not - enough, and must t hus be t aken f r omsomeone el se and, si mi l ar l y,
t hat anyt hi ng anyone el se get s must be t aken f r omt hem.
I t i s i mpor t ant t o di st i ngui sh bet ween st ar vat i on economi es and
r eal - wor l d l i mi t s. Ti me, f or exampl e, i s a r eal - wor l d l i mi t ; even t he
most dedi cat ed sl ut has onl y t went y- f our hour s ever y day. Love i s not
a r eal wor l d l i mi t : t he mot her of ni ne chi l dr en can l ove each of t hem
as much as t he mot her of an onl y chi l d.
Our bel i ef i s t hat t he human capaci t y f or sex and l ove and i nt i macy i s
f ar gr eat er t han most peopl e t hi nk possi bl y i nf i ni t e and t hat havi ng a
l ot of sat i sf yi ng connect i ons si mpl y makes i t possi bl e f or you t o have
a l ot mor e. I magi ne what i t woul d f eel l i ke t o l i ve i n an abundance of
sex and l ove, t o f eel t hat you had al l of bot h t hat you coul d possi bl y
want , f r ee of any f eel i ngs of depr i vat i on or needi ness. I magi ne how
st r ong you woul d f eel i f you got t o exer ci se your " l ove muscl es" t hat
much, and how much l ove you woul d have t o gi ve!
openness can be t he sol ut i on, not t he pr obl em
I s sexual advent ur ousness si mpl y a way t o avoi d i nt i macy? Not usual l y,
i n our exper i ence.
Whi l e i t i s cer t ai nl y possi bl e t o use your out si de r el at i onshi ps i n
or der t o avoi d pr obl ems or i nt i macy i n your pr i mar y r el at i onshi p, we do
not agr ee t hat t hi s pat t er n i s i nevi t abl e or even common. Many peopl e,
i n f act , f i nd t hat t hei r out si de r el at i onshi ps can i ncr ease t hei r
i nt i macy wi t h t hei r pr i mar y par t ner by r educi ng t he pr essur es on t hat
r el at i onshi p, and by gi vi ng t hema saf e pl ace t o expr ess i ssues t hat
may have t hemf eel i ng " st uck" i n t he pr i mar y r el at i onshi p.
These ar e our bel i ef s. You get t o have bel i ef s of your own. What
mat t er s t o us i s not t hat you agr ee wi t h us, but t hat you quest i on t he
pr evai l i ng par adi gmand deci de f or your sel f what you bel i eve.
Thousands and t housands of et hi cal sl ut s ar e pr ovi ng ever y day t hat t he
ol d " ever ybody knows" myt hs dont have t o be t r ue.
We encour age you t o expl or e your own r eal i t i es and cr eat e your own
et hos one t hat spur s you onwar d i n your evol ut i on, t hat suppor t s you as
you gr ow, and t hat r ef l ect s your pr i de and happi ness i n your newf ound
r el at i onshi ps.
CHAPTER 4. THE LANGUAGE I N THI S BOOK
t owar d a sex- posi t i ve l anguage
Most of t he l anguage avai l abl e f or us t o t al k about sex has bui l t - i n
val ue j udgment s, j ust l i ke t he wor d sl ut " t he l egacy of our
sex- negat i ve hi st or y. Wi t hout l anguage, how ar e we t o communi cat e wi t h
each ot her , shar e our t hought s and f eel i ngs? Wi t hout l anguage, we can
har dl y even t hi nk about sex. So ef f or t s have been made t o devel op a
l anguage wi t h whi ch t o t al k di r t y. . . whoops, par don us: t o t al k about
sex i n a cl ean and posi t i ve way. Her e ar e some t er ms t hat we use:
Sex. You t hought you al r eady knew what t hi s meant , di dn' t you? Wel l ,
we' r e not sur e t hat we do. We have had l ong i nt ense i nt i mat e
conver sat i ons t hat f el t deepl y sexual t o us. On t he ot her hand, we
have had i nt er cour se t hat di dn' t f eel t er r i bl y sexual .
Our best def i ni t i on her e i s t hat sex i s what ever t he peopl e engagi ng i n
i t t hi nk i t i s. For some peopl e, spanki ng i s sex. For ot her s, wear i ng
a gar t er bel t and st ocki ngs i s sex. I f you and anybody el se i nvol ved
f eel sexual when you eat i ce- cr eamsundaes t oget her , t hat ' s sex- f or
you. Whi l e t hi s may sound si l l y now, i t ' s a concept t hat wi l l come i n
handy l at er i n t hi s book when we di scuss maki ng agr eement s about our
sexual behavi or s.
Sex- negat i ve. Sex i s danger ous. Sexual desi r e i s wr ong. Femal e
sexual i t y i s dest r uct i ve and evi l . Mal e sexual i t y i s pr edat or y and
uncont r ol l abl e. I t i s t he t ask of ever y ci vi l i zed human bei ng t o
conf i ne sexual i t y wi t hi n ver y nar r ow l i mi t s. Sex i s t he wor k of t he
devi l . God hat es sex. Got t he pi ct ur e?
Sex- posi t i ve. The bel i ef t hat sex i s a heal t hy f or ce i n our l i ves.
Thi s phr ase was cr eat ed by sex educat or s at t he Nat i onal Sex For umi n
t he l at e ' 60s. I t descr i bes a per son or gr oup whi ch mai nt ai ns an
opt i mi st i c, open- mi nded, nonj udgment al at t i t ude t owar d al l f or ms of
consensual sexual i t y.
Nonj udgment al . An at t i t ude whi ch i s f r ee of i r r at i onal or
unj ust i f i abl e mor al i zi ng. " Nonj udgment al " does not mean al l accept i ng
i t means bei ng wi l l i ng t o j udge an act i vi t y or r el at i onshi p on t he
basi s of how wel l i t wor ks f or t he par t i ci pant s and not on some
ext er nal st andar d of absol ut e Ti ght ness or wr ongness. Somet i mes i t
means get t i ng bi gger t han your j udgment s, j ust f or a mi nut e, so you can
t ake a good l ook at t hem.
Nonmonogamy. We dont l i ke t hi s t er m, because i t i mpl i es t hat monogamy
i s t he nor mand t hat any ot her way of r el at i ng i s somehow a devi at i on
f r omt hat nor m.
Monogamy- cent r i st . The pr evai l i ng at t i t ude i n most cul t ur es t oday: t he
bel i ef t hat monogamy i s t he onl y nat ur al and mor al sexual pat t er n, or
t he nor mal or hi ghest f or mof human r el at i onshi p ( of t en coupl ed wi t h
t he t er ms " l ong- t er m" or " l i f el ong" ) . Thi s concept i s so t aken f or
gr ant ed t hat we usual l y dont even not i ce or quest i on i t your aut hor s
had t o i nvent a t er mt o descr i be i t .
Coupl e- cent r i st . Anot her wi del y pr evai l i ng at t i t ude: t he bel i ef t hat
t he coupl e i s t he f undament al human sexual uni t , and t hat any ot her
r el at i onshi p st r uct ur e must event ual l y evol ve t owar d coupl e hood and
t hat you ar e i ncompl et e wi t hout a par t ner , your " ot her hal f . " We
bel i eve t hat coupl es, and ot her gr oupi ngs based on sex and l ove, ar e
made up of i ndi vi dual s who compl et e t hemsel ves, t hen come t oget her t o
shar e.
Pol yamor y. A wor d whi ch has gai ned a gr eat deal of cur r ency i n r ecent
year s. We l i ke i t because, unl i ke " nonmonogamy, " i t does not assume
monogamy as a nor m. On t he ot her hand, i t s meani ng i s st i l l a bi t
vague: some f eel t hat pol yamor y i ncl udes al l f or ms of sexual
r el at i onshi ps ot her t han monogamy, ot her s r est r i ct i t t o commi t t ed l ove
r el at i onshi ps ( t her eby excl udi ng swi ngi ng, casual sexual cont act and
ot her f or ms of i nt i macy) .
Pol yf i del i t y. A subset of pol yamor y, i n whi ch mor e t han t wo peopl e,
possi bl y t wo or mor e coupl es, f or ma sexual l y excl usi ve gr oup.
Somet i mes used as a saf er sex st r at egy.
Pol ymor phous per ver se. Pol ymor phous means " havi ng many f or ms, " and
per ver se means " abnor mal " or " wr ong. " Fr eud used t hi s expr essi on t o
descr i be t he sexual behavi or of chi l dr en under f i ve year s of age, who
t end t o be ver y expl or at i ve wi t h no r egar d what soever f or boundar i es or
convent i onal l i mi t s unt i l t aught ot her wi se by adul t s4: i f i t f eel s
good, young ki ds wi l l do i t . Moder n sexual expl or er s somet i mes use
t hi s t er mt o descr i be t hemsel ves, per ver t i ng Fr eud' s i nt ent i on t o a
mor e moder n r eadi ng of pur sui ng sexual pl easur e i n any and al l f or ms,
wi t hout r egar d t o def i ni ng const r uct s l i ke st r ai ght , gay, vani l l a, or
out r ageous.
Open r el at i onshi ps. A t er mt hat descr i bes r el at i onshi ps i n whi ch
sexual and r omant i c connect i ons ar e not r est r i ct ed t o t he t wo member s
of t he coupl e. We l i ke t o use i t a bi t mor e l oosel y f or any
r el at i onshi p i n whi ch t he peopl e i nvol ved have some degr ee of f r eedom
t o f uck and/ or l ove peopl e out si de t he r el at i onshi p, so t hat an
ei ght - per son gr oup mar r i age may st i l l be ei t her " open" or " cl osed. "
Fr ee l ove. The onl y r eason we' r e not usi ng t hi s phr ase mor e of t en i n
t hi s book i s because we' r e af r ai d we' l l sound l i ke t he agi ng hi ppi es we
ar e. I n Cat her i ne' s adol escence and Dossi e' s young adul t hood, t hi s was
t he phr ase used j oyousl y by many ( and di sgust edl y by many mor e) t o
descr i be a l i f est yl e i n whi ch sex, af f ect i on and l ove wer e shar ed as a
means of i nt er per sonal connect i on as wel l as an i deal i st i c
soci opol i t i cal st at ement . I t saddens us t hat t he val ues of our cul t ur e
have t ur ned away f r omt hi s i deal , whi ch we st i l l bel i eve t o be bot h
achi evabl e and desi r abl e f or many peopl e.
Sexual f r eedom. A t er mf r omt he ' 60s t hat st i l l has a l ot of j ui ce i n
i t . One of t he ear l i est gr oups t o at t empt t o l i ve out many of t he
i deas i n t hi s book was cal l ed t he Sexual Fr eedomLeague. Si nce we l i ke
sex and we l i ke f r eedom, we l i ke t hi s phr ase.
Sexual f r eedomi mpl i es cast i ng of f t he chai ns of our sex- negat i ve
pr ogr ammi ng and r et ur ni ng t o i nnocence, mani f est ed as a Gar den of Eden
of sex and l ove. Back i n t he ' 60s, we bel i eved we coul d do t hat j ust
by decl ar i ng our sel ves t o be f r ee. We qui ckl y l ear ned t hat f r eedom
doesn' t come t hat easy: i t r equi r es ef f or t , wor k.
Lucki l y f or al l of us, sexual mi ser y i s a power f ul mot i vat or , a ver y
shar p st i ck t hat pr ods us donkeys up t he r oad, i nt o doi ng t hat har d
wor k of comi ng t o gr i ps wi t h our f ear s about sex. And l ucky f or us, we
event ual l y can get t o t he car r ot of sexual del i ght and f ul f i l l ment , and
i sn' t t hat car r ot sweet !
CHAPTER 5. ANCESTORS & ANTECEDENTS
Sl ut s come i n al l t he var i ous f or ms and st yl es t hat humans come i n: men
and women i n al l cul t ur es, f r omal l par t s of t he wor l d, of al l
r el i gi ons and l i f est yl es, r i ch and poor , wi t h f or mal and i nf or mal
educat i on.
Most of us t oday l i ve i n communi t i es of non- sl ut s, wi t h onl y occasi onal
or l i mi t ed cont act wi t h ot her peopl e who shar e our val ues: some gr oups
hol d conf er ences and convent i ons t o mi t i gat e t he i sol at i on and expand
t hei r i nt i mat e ci r cl es. Ot her sl ut s dr op out of mai nst r eamcul t ur e t o
some ext ent or anot her t o l i ve i n communi t i es composed of peopl e whose
sexual i t y i s l i ke t hei r own. San Fr anci sco' s Cast r o Di st r i ct i s a good
exampl e of a moder n ur ban " ghet t o" f or sexual mi nor i t i es.
A sl ut l i vi ng i n mai nst r eam, monogamy- cent r i st cul t ur e i n t he ' 90s can
l ear n a gr eat deal f r omst udyi ng ot her cul t ur es, ot her pl aces, and
ot her t i mes: you' r e not t he onl y one i n t he wor l d who has ever t r i ed
t hi s, i t can wor k, ot her s have done i t wi t hout har mi ng t hemsel ves,
t hei r l over s, t hei r ki ds- wi t hout , i n f act , doi ng anyt hi ng except
enj oyi ng t hemsel ves.
Pi oneer i ng sexual subcul t ur es wi t h ext ensi ve document ed and
undocument ed hi st or i es i ncl ude communi t i es of gay men and of l esbi an
women, t r ansgender gr oups, bi sexual s, t he l eat her communi t i es, t he
swi ng communi t i es, and some spi r i t ual l y def i ned subcul t ur es of pagans,
moder n pr i mi t i ves and r adi cal f aer i es.
Even i f you dont bel ong t o any of t hese sexual l y or i ent ed communi t i es,
i t ' s wor t h t aki ng a l ook at t hemf or what t hey can t each us about our
own opt i ons as t hey devel op ways of bei ng sexual , ways of communi cat i ng
about bei ng sexual , and soci al and f ami l y st r uct ur es t hat ar e
al t er nat i ve t o sex- negat i ve t r adi t i ons i n Amer i ca.
Dossi e' s f avor i t e dance cl ub i n 1970 was a r emar kabl e mi ni cul t ur e of
pol ymor phous per ver si t y. She r emember s:
The Omni , shor t f or omni sexual was a smal l Nor t h Beach bar whose
pat r ons wer e men and women, st r ai ght , gay, l esbi an, bi sexual and of t en
t r ansgender ed. The sexual val ues wer e ver y open, f r omhi ppi e f r ee- l ove
f r eaks t o sex i ndust r y pr of essi onal s, and most of us came t her e t o
dance l i ke wi l d women and cr ui se l i ke cr azy. However , t hanks t o t he
l ar ge t r ansgender f act i on, t her e was no way of pi geonhol i ng t he per son
you wer e cr ui si ng i nt o your cat egor i es of desi r e. You mi ght dance wi t h
someone you f ound ver y at t r act i ve, and not know i f t hey wer e
chr omosomal l y mal e or f emal e. I t ' s di f f i cul t t o get at t ached t o
pr ef er ences l i ke l esbi an or st r ai ght when you dont know t he gender of
t he per son you ar e f l i r t i ng wi t h. Thi s may sound cr azy, but t he
r esul t s wer e sur pr i si ng: I pat r oni zed t he Omni because i t was t he
saf est envi r onment avai l abl e t o me. Because t her e was no way t o make
assumpt i ons, peopl e had t o t r eat each ot her wi t h r espect . No one coul d
assume what ki nd of i nt er act i on mi ght i nt er est t he obj ect of t hei r
at t ent i on, so t her e was not hi ng t o do but ask. And i f you wer e, as I
was, a young woman i n your t went i es, t o be appr oached wi t h r espect was
a most wel come r el i ef f r omst r ai ght soci al envi r onment s wher e i t was
cust omar y f or men t o pr ove t hei r manhood by comi ng on t oo st r ong,
evi dent l y i n t he bel i ef t hat women who cr ui se i n si ngl e bar s have
pr obl ems wi t h vi r gi nal shyness and dont mean " no" when t hey say i t . The
Omni pr ovi ded my f i r st exper i ences wi t h t r ue r espect .
Si nce we see some of t he pr obl ems i n at t ai ni ng a f r ee and open
expr essi on of our own i ndi vi dual sexual i t y as havi ng t o do wi t h l i vi ng
i n a sex- r ol e- bound cul t ur e, we have f ound i t usef ul t o l ear n f r om
peopl e who have shi f t ed t he boundar i es of what i t means t o be mal e or
f emal e, or t o l ove someone mal e or f emal e. Thi nki ng about t hese
di f f er ent ways of l i vi ng and l ovi ng can hel p us as we consi der whet her
we want t o change anyt hi ng about how we go about l i vi ng as men and
women.
l esbi an women
I n t he l esbi an communi t y we get t o l ook at what happens i n a wor l d
consi st i ng al most ent i r el y of women. The f i r st t hi ng we can see i s an
i nt ensi f i cat i on of t he mai nst r eamval ues t hat t each us t hat men f ocus
t hei r ener gy out i nt o t he wor l d whi l e women speci al i ze i n
r el at i onshi ps, f ami l i es and emot i onal nur t ur ance. The l esbi an
communi t y t ends t o be r el at i onshi p- cent er ed, and has bot h weaknesses
and st r engt hs i n t he way t hat women f i nd t hei r pr i mar y r el at i onshi p t o
be t he most i mpor t ant t hi ng i n t hei r l i ves. For women, r el at i onshi p
can get conf used wi t h t hei r sense of i dent i t y, especi al l y si nce our
cul t ur e i n i t s most t r adi t i onal f or mhar dl y al l ows women any sense of
i dent i t y at al l .
Dossi e had a psychi at r i st , admi t t edl y some year s ago, who advi sed her
t hat she woul d not be happy and ment al l y heal t hy unt i l she gave up her
ar t i st i c and i nt el l ect ual pur sui t s and ( an exact quot e) " submer ged her
i dent i t y i n a r el at i onshi p " Submer ge i dent i t y- sounds l i ke
psychol ogi cal sui ci de, r i ght ? But many women t oday act as i f t hey
woul d l ose t hei r ent i r e sense of t hemsel ves i f t hey l ose t hei r
r el at i onshi p, so t he most common r el at i onshi p sequence, as we see i t
magni f i ed i n t he l esbi an communi t y, i s t he f or mof nonmonogamy known as
ser i al monogamy. Of t en t he connect i on t o t he par t ner of t he f ut ur e
pr ecedes t he br eakup wi t h t he par t ner of t he past , wi t h accompanyi ng
dr ama t hat pr esumabl y f eel s saf er t han t he vast empt y unknown
t er r i f yi ng i dent i t y voi d of bei ng a woman l i vi ng as a si ngl e human
bei ng.
Younger l esbi ans ar e quest i oni ng t hese t r adi t i ons, and one of t he ways
t hey ar e quest i oni ng i s i n i nvest i gat i ng nonmonogamy as a way t o f or m
l ess i nsul ar r el at i onshi ps. Lesbi an f r ee l ove i s char act er i zed by a
l ot of ser i ous t hought f ul ness and at t ent i on t o con sensual i t y and t hus
t o t r emendous openness about pr ocessi ng f eel i ngs, an ar ea i n whi ch t he
women' s communi t y excel s.
Anot her t hi ng we have l ear ned f r omour si st er s i s new ways of deal i ng
wi t h devel opi ng a woman' s r ol e as sexual i ni t i at or I n het er osexual
cul t ur e, men have been assi gned t he " j ob" of i ni t i at or , and men ar e
t r ai ned t o be sexual l y aggr essi ve, somet i mes t o a f aul t I n t he wor l d of
women who r el at e sexual l y t o ot her women, i t r api dl y becomes appar ent
t hat i f we al l see our sel ves as Sl eepi ng Beaut i es wai t i ng f or Pr i ncess
Char mi ng t o come al ong and wake us up, we al so mi ght get t o wai t a
hundr ed year s Or el se we need t o l ear n t o do somet hi ng new - t o meet t he
eye, t ouch t he shoul der , move i n a l i t t l e t oo cl ose, or j ust pl ai n
bl ur t out " I t hi nk you' r e r eal l y at t r act i ve and I woul d l i ke t o l eap
i nt o bed wi t h you r i ght now or at any ot her mut ual l y agr eeabl e t i me. "
Women' s st yl e of comi ng on- when shyness doesn' t get i n t he way t ends
t o be f or t hr i ght , wi t h r espect f or consent , and i s unl i kel y t o be
i nt r usi ve or pushy, as many women have had a l i t t l e t oo much exper i ence
wi t h bei ng vi ol at ed t o want t o go down t hat r oad Women have st r ong
concer ns about saf et y, and so t end t o move sl owl y, announce t hei r
i nt ent i ons and be ver y car ef ul about con sensual i t y They may be shy i n
t he seduct i ve st ages, and bol der once wel come has been secur ed. Women
t end t o want expl i ci t per mi ssi on, and f or each speci f i c act , so t hei r
communi cat i on coul d ser ve as an excel l ent r ol e model f or negot i at ed
consensual i t y.
We woul d l i ke t o dr aw your at t ent i on t o anot her di f f er ence about sex
bet ween women t hat we al l can l ear n f r om. A sexual encount er bet ween
t wo women r ar el y i nvol ves t he expect at i on of si mul t aneous or gasm, as
many peopl e bel i eve peni s- vagi na i nt er cour se shoul d, so women have
become exper t s at t aki ng t ur ns. Lesbi ans ar e al so t he wor l d cl ass
exper t s on sensual i t y and out er cour se t hose wonder f ul f or ms of
sexual i t y t hat do not r el y on peni l e penet r at i on When penet r at i on i s
desi r ed, t he f ocus i s on what wor ks f or t he r eci pi ent : we have yet t o
meet a di l do t hat got hung up on i t s own needs. For t hose of you,
f emal e or mal e, who haven' t consi der ed t hese opt i ons, t hi nk of al l t he
f un you coul d have wi t h never a wor r y about pr egnancy and sexual l y
t r ansmi t t ed di seases1
gay men
The gay mal e communi t y i n i t s own way r ef l ect s some of t he t r adi t i onal
i mages of mal e sexual i t y i n i nt ensi f i ed f or m. Whi l e some gay men ar e
mor e i nt er est ed i n l ong- t er mr el at i onshi ps and set t l i ng down, ot her gay
men have set r ecor ds as wor l d- cl ass sl ut s. The gay bat hs ar e t he
ul t i mat e r ol e model of f r i endl y gr oup sex envi r onment s, and easy sexual
connect i on f or i t s own sake.
Dossi e l ear ned her gr oup sex et i quet t e f r omgay men, and i s gl ad she
di d. We bot h, i n f act , have al ways i dent i f i ed st r ongl y wi t h gay men:
Dossi e sees her sel f as a dr ag queen t r apped i n a woman' s body, and
Cat her i ne got her ear l i est sense of her own sexual possi bi l i t i es when
she l ear ned about gay mal e communi t i es. Thi s may not r eal l y be t oo
sur pr i si ng, si nce t he gay mal e communi t y has al ways model ed sl ut t er y
f or t he r est of us t o admi r e and, per haps, emul at e.
Gay men do not gener al l y t r y t o get consent f r omeach ot her by
mani pul at i on and pr essur i ng: connect i on i s most l y commonl y made by a
gent l e appr oach, meet i ng a gent l e r esponse, and no need t o ask t hr ee
t i mes. Gay men gi ve each ot her a l ot of cr edi t f or bei ng abl e t o say
no, and f or meani ng i t when t hey say i t . Thi s makes comi ng on ver y
si mpl e, si nce you ar e never t r yi ng t o sneak up on anybody and you ar e
not r equi r ed t o be subt l e. I t i s al ways okay t o ask as l ong as i t i s
okay f or t he ot her per son t o say no. Thi s st r ai ght f or war d and
admi r abl y si mpl e appr oach t o con sensual i t y cannot be r ecommended t oo
hi ghl y.
Men i n gener al have had l ess r eason t o f ear sexual vi ol at i on t han t hei r
si st er s. ( Al t hough i t i s t r ue, and t er r i bl e, t hat boys do get mol est ed
and men do get r aped, we t hi nk t hat per haps men have mor e conf i dence
t han women i n t hei r power t o pr ot ect t hemsel ves. ) Men al so t end t o get
a l ot of cul t ur al suppor t f or bei ng sexual . So al t hough t he f or bi dden
ness of homosexual i t y may gi ve many gay men a l ot of quest i ons about
bei ng okay, or havi ng somet hi ng wr ong wi t h t hem, or ot her f or ms of
i nt er nal i zed homophobi a, t hi s i s most of t en not r ef l ect ed i n sexual
dysf unct i on. Gay men as a gr oup ar e r eal l y good at expl or i ng, and
f i ndi ng out what f eel s good t o t hem.
And i t i s gay men who have est abl i shed most of our under st andi ng of
saf er sex. I n t he f ace of t he AI DS epi demi c, wher e many peopl e mi ght
have r et r eat ed i nt o sex- negat i vi sm, t he gay communi t y i s t o be
commended f or cont i nui ng t o cel ebr at e a newl y l i ber at ed sexual i t y, wi t h
due r espect f or saf et y.
t r ansgender
Tr ansgender ed peopl e f or ma var i et y of communi t i es, al l of whi ch ar e of
i nt er est t o anyone who i s i nt er est ed i n t r anscendi ng t hei r gender - r ol e
pr ogr ammi ng. Dossi e, i n t he ear l y year s of her f emi ni sm, f ound f r i ends
among mal e- t o- f emal e t r anssexual s who wer e wonder f ul r ol e model s f or
how t o be f emal e, i ndeed of t en ul t r a- f emi ni ne, and st i l l be asser t i ve
and power f ul .
What we can al l l ear n f r omt r ansgender ed peopl e i s t hat gender i s
mal l eabl e. We l ear n about how some behavi or s and emot i onal st at es may
be hor mone- r el at ed f r ompeopl e who t ake hor mones t o expr ess mal e or
f emal e gender . Peopl e who have l i ved par t s of t hei r l i ves i n bot h
gender modes, physi ol ogi cal l y and cul t ur al l y, have a gr eat deal t o
t each us about what changes accor di ng t o hor mones, and what does not ,
and what gender char act er i st i cs r emai n a mat t er of choi ce no mat t er
what your endocr i ne syst emsays.
Tr anssexual s can al so t el l us a l ot about how di f f er ent l y ot her peopl e
t r eat you when t hey see you as a man, or as a woman. Per f or ce,
t r ansgender ed peopl e become exper t s at l i vi ng i n a ver y host i l e wor l d.
No ot her sexual mi nor i t y i s mor e l i kel y t o suf f er di r ect physi cal
oppr essi on i n t he f or mof queer bashi ng. I t t akes a st r ong mi nded
per son t o st and up t o our cul t ur e' s r i gi di t y about " r eal men" and " r eal
women. " I t was most l y t r ansgender ed peopl e, but ch women and dr ag
queens, who r ebel l ed agai nst pol i ce br ut al i t y i n t he f amous St onewal l
r i ot s of 1969 t hat i ni t i at ed t he Gay Li ber at i on movement . Tr ansgender ed
peopl e can t each us a l ot about t he det er mi nat i on t o be f r ee.
Bi SEXUALS
Of t en st i gmat i zed as " gays unwi l l i ng t o r el i nqui sh het er osexual
pr i vi l ege" or " he' s t aki ng a wal k on t he wi l d si de, " bi sexual s have
r ecent l y begun devel opi ng t hei r own f or cef ul voi ce and t hei r own
communi t i es.
Looki ng at t he t heor y and pr act i ce of bi sexual l i f est yl es may enabl e us
t o expl or e our assumpt i ons about t he nat ur e of sexual and r omant i c
at t r act i ons and behavi or s. Some f ol ks have had sex onl y wi t h member s
of one gender , but know t hat t hey have wi t hi n t hemsel ves t he abi l i t y t o
connect er ot i cal l y or emot i onal l y wi t h bot h gender s, and t hus consi der
t hemsel ves bi sexual whi l e ot her s may be act i vel y havi ng sex wi t h t he
gender opposi t e t hei r usual choi ce, and st i l l consi der t hemsel ves
het er osexual or gay. Some bi sexual s pr ef er one t ype of i nt er act i on
wi t h men and anot her wi t h women, whi l e ot her s consi der t hemsel ves
" gender - bl i nd. " Some can be sexual wi t h ei t her sex but r omant i c wi t h
onl y one, or vi ce ver sa. And so on, t hr ough al l t he spect r ums of
bi sexual at t r act i ons and choi ces.
Cat her i ne' s pat h t owar d her cur r ent i dent i t y as a bi sexual has been a
conf usi ng one: i t was near l y a decade af t er she began havi ng sex wi t h
women bef or e she began t o f eel comf or t abl e usi ng t he t er mt o descr i be
her sel f .
I f el t t ur ned of f by t he t r endi ness of " bi sexual chi c, " and under some
pr essur e t o cl ai man i dent i t y t hat di dn' t f eel r i ght t o me. And at t he
same t i me, I was hear i ng some genui nel y cr uel j udgment s f r ombot h
het er osexual s and homosexual s about hi s, and t hat anger was scar y t o
encount er .
Add t o t hat t he di f f i cul t y I was havi ng sor t i ng out my own f eel i ngs- I
knew my f eel i ngs t owar d women wer e di f f er ent t han t hose t owar d men, and
I wasn' t sur e what t hat meant - and t hi ngs j ust got ver y conf usi ng. As
a r esul t , i t wasn' t unt i l I knew f or sur e t hat I was capabl e of havi ng
bot h sexual and r omant i c f eel i ngs t owar d bot h men and women- and unt i l
I f el t st r ong enough t o cl ai mt he i dent i t y i n t he f ace of al l t hose
negat i ve j udgment s - t hat I f i nal l y began cal l i ng mysel f " bi sexual . "
The i ncr easi ng vi si bi l i t y of bi sexual i t y has l ed t o some chal l enges t o
t r adi t i onal def i ni t i ons of sexual i dent i t y. Speci f i cal l y, we ar e
havi ng t o l ook at t he f act t hat our sexual at t r act i ons may say one
t hi ng about us, whi l e our sexual behavi or s say anot her , and our sexual
i dent i t y says yet a t hi r d. Quest i ons l i ke t hese ar e eat i ng away at
some of t he t r adi t i onal boundar i es we pl ace ar ound sexual i dent i t y much
t o t he di smay of pur i st s of al l or i ent at i ons. Your aut hor s, sl ut s t hat
we ar e, enj oy t hi s ki nd of f l ui di t y, and appr eci at e t he oppor t uni t y t o
pl ay as we l i ke wi t h whomever l ooks good t o us wi t hout r el i nqui shi ng
our f undament al sexual i dent i t i es.
swi nger s
I n bygone decades, non monogamous het er osexual i nt er act i ons got cal l ed
" wi f e- swappi ng" - - a t er mwi t h a bui l t - i n sexi st bi as whi ch we f i nd
of f ensi ve. Today, het er osexual s seeki ng no- st r i ngs sex out si de a
pr i mar y r el at i onshi p of t en seek out t he swi ng communi t y. These gr oups
ar e wel l wor t h l ooki ng at f or what t hey have t o t each us about how
het er osexual men and women can i nt er act out si de t he conf i nes of t he
" shoul ds" of mai nst r eam, monogamous cul t ur e.
Swi ngi ng i s a br oad t er mt hat get s used t o def i ne a wi de var i et y of
i nt er act i ons, r angi ng f r oml ong- t er mt wo- coupl e sexual pai r i ngs t hr ough
t he wi l dest of Sat ur day- ni ght puppy- pi l e or gi es. Swi nger s ar e
pr i mar i l y het er osexual : f emal e bi sexual i t y i s r el at i vel y common i n some
swi ng gr oups, whi l e mal e bi sexual i t y i s r ar e and f r owned upon i n most .
They ar e most of t en coupl ed, and ar e of t en mor e mai nst r eami n t hei r
pol i t i cs, l i f est yl es and per sonal val ues t han ot her ki nds of sl ut s.
Some swi ng communi t i es conf i ne t hemsel ves expl i ci t l y t o sexual
i nt er act i ons and di scour age emot i onal connect i ons out si de pr i mar y
coupl es, whi l e ot her s encour age al l f or ms of r omant i c and sexual
par t ner i ng.
Swi ngi ng has of f er ed many a het er osexual woman her f i r st oppor t uni t y t o
expl or e gr eedy and gui l t - f r ee sexual i t y- i n f act , we of t en hear of
women who at t end t hei r f i r st swi ng par t y ver y r el uct ant l y, t hei r second
one hesi t ant l y, and t hei r subsequent ones avi dl y. We al so l i ke t he
sophi st i cat i on wi t h whi ch many swi ng communi t i es have evol ved pat t er ns
of symbol s and behavi or t o communi cat e sexual i nt er est wi t hout
i nt r usi veness ( one l ocal swi ng cl ub has a f asci nat i ng code of openi ng
door s and wi ndows t o communi cat e, var i ousl y, " Keep away, " " Look but
dont t ouch, " or " Come on i n and j oi n us" ) .
SEX WORKERS
How about i f we st op st er eot ypi ng sex wor ker s? They' r e r eal l y not al l
desper at e dr ug addi ct s, debased women, or what ever you mi ght have
l ear ned about t hemon TV or i n t he t abl oi ds. Many of our dear est
f r i ends wor k i n t he sex i ndust r y, doi ng essent i al and posi t i ve wor k
heal i ng t he wounds i nf l i ct ed by our sex- negat i ve cul t ur e. These men
and women have a gr eat deal t o t each us about boundar i es,
l i mi t - set t i ng, communi cat i on, sexual negot i at i on, and ways t o achi eve
gr owt h, connect i on and f ul f i l l ment out si de a t r adi t i onal monogamous
r el at i onshi p. Do not i magi ne t hat connect i ons bet ween sex wor ker s and
cl i ent s ar e necessar i l y col d, i mper sonal , or degr adi ng, or t hat onl y
l oser s f r equent pr ost i t ut es. We know of cl i ent pr ost i t ut e
r el at i onshi ps t hat have been a sour ce of t r emendous connect i on, war mt h
and af f ect i on f or bot h par t i es, and t hat have l ast ed many year s.
Pr act i t i oner s of " t he wor l d' s ol dest pr of essi on" of f er al l of us t he
wi sdomof t he ages about under st andi ng, accept i ng and f ul f i l l i ng our
desi r es: t hese ar e t he r eal sex exper t s.
sacr ed sl ut s
Fi nal l y a wor d about sexual l y expl or at i ve l i f est yl es i n spi r i t ual
communi t i es. Cel i bacy i s not t he onl y sexual pr act i ce of t he
spi r i t ual l y i ncl i ned. Ear l y exampl es of r el i gi ous communi t i es based on
nonmonogamy i ncl uded t he Mor mon chur ch, t he Onei da communi t y, t he
pr act i ce of mai t huna and kar ezza i n Tant r i c Yoga, and t he t empl e whor es
of t he ear l y Medi t aer r anean Goddess wor shi per s. Cur r ent sexual l y
act i ve spi r i t ual communi t i es i ncl ude some pagan gr oups and r adi cal
f aer i es, who come t oget her f or f est i val s and gat her i ngs, and cel ebr at e
anci ent sexual r i t es such as Bel t ane, or make up t hei r own t hat ar e
appr opr i at e t o cur r ent l i f est yl es, l i ke t he open sexual i t y of Faer y
gat her i ngs, or t he under l yi ng er ot i ci smof r i t ual .
These pr act i t i oner s under st and t hat sex i s connect ed t o t he spi r i t ual .
We have sai d bef or e t hat sex i s spi r i t ual . " Ever y or gasmi s a
spi r i t ual exper i ence. Thi nk of a moment of per f ect whol eness, of
your sel f i n per f ect uni t y, of expanded awar eness t hat t r anscends t he
spl i t bet ween mi nd and body and i nt egr at es al l t he par t s of you i n
ecst at i c consci ousness. . . . When you br i ng spi r i t ual awar eness t o your
sexual pr act i ce, you can become di r ect l y consci ous of - connect ed t o
t hat di vi ni t y t hat al ways f l ows t hr ough you. . . . For us, sex i s al r eady
an oppor t uni t y t o see god. " 5
What Can You Lear n?
I f t hi nki ng about al l t hi s makes you ki nd of ner vous, we ar e not
sur pr i sed. What you ar e bei ng exposed t o i s how t hr eat ened you f eel
when l i mi t s ar e ver y di f f er ent f r omwhat you ar e used t o t hose
cust omar y boundar i es we t ake f or gr ant ed and bel i eve appl y t o al l
soci al and sexual si t uat i ons. Ther e ar e no uni ver sal l y accept ed
boundar i es of gender or at t r act i on among consent i ng adul t s, and t he
l i mi t s of sexual expl or at i on ar e not handed down on st one t abl et s by
some hi gher aut hor i t y.
When you l ook at peopl e who meet your st andar ds of happi ness and
success wi t hout buyi ng i nt o t he wor l d' s st andar ds of l i f et i me
het er osexual monogamous pai r - bondi ng, you begi n t o see how such t hi ngs
can be possi bl e f or you t oo even i f t hese peopl e ar en' t doi ng i t t he
same way you want t o. Recogni zi ng ot her sexual cul t ur es of f er s an
oppor t uni t y t o become awar e of wher e your own but t ons ar e, especi al l y
when you t hi nk about keepi ng t hembut t oned up ar ound a l ot of peopl e
whose sexual i t y may be di f f er ent f r omyour s. Li st en t o your f ear s:
t hey have a l ot t o t each you about your sel f .
Thi nk of Dossi e' s ol d dance cl ub. The Omni . Not knowi ng what ' s what
can f eel scar y- but t hi nk of i t as a chance t o scr ap al l your
pr econcept i ons and st ar t f r omscr at ch. I t ' s onl y by r ecogni zi ng al l
t he possi bi l i t i es out t her e t hat you can t r ul y choose t he ones t hat
wor k f or you. Then you can be f r ee t o f i gur e wher e you want t he
boundar i es t o be i n your l i f e, what your per sonal l i mi t s ar e, and i f
you ever want t o expand t hem.
Thi s i s a gr eat oppor t uni t y as wel l as a ser i ous r esponsi bi l i t y. Once
you have est abl i shed your own l i mi t s, you ar e f r ee t o expl or e beyond
your wi l dest dr eams.
CHAPTER 6.
SLUT SKI LLS.
Gr eat sl ut s ar e made, not bor n. The ski l l s you need t o keep your sel f
and your par t ner s happy and gr owi ng can be devel oped t hr ough a
combi nat i on of consci ous ef f or t and f r equent pr act i ce. Ther e ar e
cer t ai n t hought pr ocesses you can t r y, and ski l l s you can l ear n, t hat
wi l l hel p st ar t your advent ur e on t he r i ght f oot and keep i t on
t r ack.
Sel f - exami nat i on, i n our opi ni on, i s al ways a good i dea- and f or we who
ar e j our neyi ng wi t hout a map, havi ng a cl ear pi ct ur e of t he i nt er nal
l andscape becomes essent i al . Her e' s an i nt er est i ng quest i on t o ask
your sel f : What do you expect f r omt hi s way of l i vi ng your l i f e? What
r ewar ds can you f or esee t hat wi l l compensat e you f or doi ng t he har d
wor k of l ear ni ng t o be secur e i n a wor l d of shi f t i ng r el at i onshi ps?
Some peopl e who have al r eady made t he j our ney ci t e benef i t s l i ke sexual
var i et y, l ess dependence on a si ngl e r el at i onshi p, or a sense of
bel ongi ng t o a net wor k of f r i ends, l over s and par t ner s. Some of t he
peopl e we i nt er vi ewed sai d t hi ngs l i ke t hi s:
I get r el i ef f r ompr essur e- I dont have t o f ul f i l l ever y si ngl e t hi ng
my par t ner needs or want s, whi ch means I dont have t o t r y t o be
somebody I ' mnot . "
" Peopl e have di f f er ent ways of knowi ng and under st andi ng t hi ngs, so
i nt i macy wi t h var i ous peopl e expands my appr eci at i on of t he
uni ver se. "
" I can have hot er ot i c exper i ences wi t hout geni t al sex, and wi t hout
compr omi si ng my emot i onal monogamy. "
" My l i f est yl e gi ves me per sonal f r eedom,
i ndependence and r esponsi bi l i t y i n a way t hat bei ng an excl usi ve coupl e
does not . "
" I dont bel i eve t hat t he human mal e i s desi gned t o be monogamous.
Monogamy goes agai nst my i nst i nct s. " " I never f eel t hat t he gr ass
mi ght be gr eener on t he ot her si de of t he f ence- I ' ve been t her e. "
" Out si de par t ner s ar e an i nf usi on of sexual j ui ce i nt o my pr i mar y
r el at i onshi p. "
As you r ead t hi s book, par t i cul ar l y some of our i nt er vi ews wi t h
successf ul sl ut s, you may di scover speci al benef i t s f or you. What ar e
your r easons f or choosi ng t hi s pat h?
Al as, many peopl e begi n t o expl or e open r el at i onshi ps because t hei r
par t ner i s pushi ng t hemi nt o i t , or because al l t hei r f r i ends ar e doi ng
i t and t hey dont want t o seempr udi sh. We ask t hat you get cl ear
wi t hi n your sel f t hat you' r e doi ng t hi s f or you- because i t exci t es you,
because i t of f er s oppor t uni t i es f or l ear ni ng and gr owt h and f un,
because you want t o. Make no mi st ake, t hi s can be a r ocky r oad. . . and
i f you' r e navi gat i ng i t f or t he wr ong r easons, r esent ment can easi l y
poi son t he ver y r el at i onshi ps you set out t o save.
Sexual change can be a pat h of r epr ogr ammi ng your sel f , wi t h t he j oyous
f eel i ng of abundant sex and l ove as t he car r ot , and t he f ear of
depr i vat i on, bor edomor sel f - l oat hi ng as t he st i ck. Si nce we dont
bel i eve t hat t he ur ge t owar d monogamy i s i nnat e, we t hi nk you must have
l ear ned your negat i ve sexual f eel i ngs and your i nsecur i t i es somewher e
f r omyour par ent s, f r omyour past l over s, f r omour cul t ur e- and, t hus,
you can unl ear n t hem. Becomi ng awar e of t hose f eel i ngs, and changi ng
your r eact i ons t o t hem, can be di f f i cul t . . . but what a f eel i ng of power
and t r i umph when you succeed!
Ear ni ng Your Sl ut Mer i t Badge
The peopl e we know who succeed at et hi cal sl ut domusual l y have a set of
ski l l s t hat hel p t hemf or ge t hei r pat hway cl eanl y, honest l y, and wi t h a
mi ni mumof unnecessar y pai n. Her e ar e some of t he ones we' ve
not i ced.
communi cat i on
Lear ni ng t o t al k cl ear l y, and l i st en ef f ect i vel y, ar e cr i t i cal ski l l s.
A good t echni que f or l i st eni ng i s t o hear what your par t ner has t o say,
and l et hi mknow you hear d by t el l i ng hi mwhat you t hi nk he j ust sai d.
Use t hi s cl ar i f i cat i on t echni que bef or e you r espond wi t h your own
t hought s and f eel i ngs. I n t hi s way, you make sur e you have cl ear
under st andi ng bef or e you go on wi t h your di scussi on. Si mi l ar l y, i f
you' r e t he one t al ki ng, i t ' s not f ai r t o expect your par t ner t o r ead
your mi nd- t ake t he t i me and ef f or t t o be as cl ear and t hor ough i n your
expl anat i on as you can, and be sur e t o i ncl ude i nf or mat i on about t he
emot i ons you' r e f eel i ng as wel l as t he f act s i nvol ved.
I f your communi cat i ons of t en seemt o go awr y, i t mi ght be a good i dea
t o spend some t i me and ef f or t l ear ni ng bet t er communi cat i on ski l l s:
many adul t educat i on f aci l i t i es of f er communi cat i on cl asses of var i ous
ki nds, and you can check t he Resour ce Gui de f or f ur t her r eadi ng.
emot i onal honest y
Bei ng abl e t o ask f or and r ecei ve r eassur ance and suppor t i s ext r emel y
i mpor t ant . Cat her i ne' s par t ner occasi onal l y r equest s, when she i s of f
t o a j oyousl y ant i ci pat ed dat e wi t h one of her ot her l over s, " J ust t el l
me I dont have anyt hi ng t o wor r y about . " I t f eel s ver y good t o know
t hat he' s wi l l i ng t o ask f or r eassur ance when he needs i t , and t hat he
t r ust s her t o t el l t he t r ut h about her f eel i ngs. I f you i magi ne what
woul d happen i f he wer e f eel i ng i nsecur e and di dn' t ask f or r eassur ance
( gr umbl e, chew f i nger nai l s, l i e awake t hi nki ng bad t hought s, et c. "
et c. ) , you can see why i t ' s so i mpor t ant t o get your needs met up
f r ont .
We have al l been af r ai d t o ask, we have al l f ai l ed t o ask, we have al l
been i r ked wi t h our l over s when t hey di dn' t r ead our mi nds, we have al l
t hought " I shoul dn' t have t o ask. " So l et ' s honor t he cour age i t t akes
t o ask f or suppor t , t o shar e vul ner abl e f eel i ngs- l et ' s pat our sel ves
on t he back when we do t he t hi ngs t hat scar e us, and t hen l et ' s do t hem
some mor e.
af f ect i on
Si mi l ar l y, i t ' s vi t al t o be abl e t o gi ve r eassur ance and suppor t - bot h
i n r esponse t o a r equest , and on your own. I f you can' t t el l your
l over t hat you l ove hi m, or gi ve hi ma hear t f el t compl i ment , or t el l
hi mwhat you t hi nk i s so wonder f ul about hi m, i t may be opt i mi st i c t o
assume t hat he' l l be abl e t o r emai n secur e enough t o accommodat e your
ot her r el at i onshi ps. Our f r i end Car ol not es, " I f you' r e al r eady
st ar ved f or at t ent i on, no wonder an open r el at i onshi p f eel s l i ke a
pr obl em! " We r ecommend l ot s of huggi ng, t ouchi ng, ver bal af f ect i on,
si ncer e f l at t er y, l i t t l e " l ove ya" gi f t s, and what ever el se hel ps bot h
of you f eel secur e and connect ed.
f ai t hf ul ness
Thi s may seeml i ke an odd wor d t o r ead i n t hi s cont ext - but even t he
most out r ageous of sl ut s can be, i n t he wor ds of Col e Por t er , " al ways
t r ue t o you, dar l i ng' , i n my f ashi on. " Our f r i end Ri char d says, " A l ot
of peopl e descr i be havi ng sex wi t h onl y one per son as ' bei ng f ai t hf ul . "
I t seems t o me t hat f ai t hf ul ness has ver y l i t t l e t o do wi t h who you
have sex wi t h. " Fai t hf ul ness i s about honor i ng your commi t ment s and
r espect i ng your f r i ends and l over s, about car i ng f or t hei r wel l - bei ng
as wel l as your own.
I f you have a pr i mar y r el at i onshi p, i t can be ver y i mpor t ant t o
r ei nf or ce i t s pr i mar y- ness. Many peopl e i n pr i mar y r el at i onshi ps have
cer t ai n act i vi t i es t hat t hey keep onl y f or t hei r par t ner s- par t i cul ar
sexual behavi or s, sl eep- over s, t er ms of af f ect i on or what ever . The
same may al so be t r ue of ot her , non- pr i mar y r el at i onshi ps. Wi t hout t he
secur i t y bl anket of monogamy, i t becomes ver y i mpor t ant t o hel p your
par t ner f eel mor e secur e by demonst r at i ng how much you car e f or he r and
i f t hi s means t hat once i n a whi l e you choose t o mi ss your f avor i t e TV
show, or even gi ve up a hot dat e, because she' s si ck, or havi ng a l i f e
cr i si s, or j ust f eel i ng l onel y and bl ue, we t hi nk t hat i s wel l wor t h
doi ng.
l i mi t - set t i ng
To be a happy sl ut , you need t o know how- and when- t o say " no. "
Havi ng a cl ear sense of your own l i mi t s, and r espect i ng t hose l i mi t s,
can keep you f eel i ng good about your sel f and pr event t hose
mor ni ng- af t er bl ues. Some l i mi t s may be about sexual behavi or s: Woul d
you have sex wi t h a gender ot her t han t he one you usual l y do? Woul d
you t r y a ki nd of sex you t hi nk i s ki nky? Some l i mi t s mi ght be about
r el at i onshi p st yl es, such as f r equency of cont act or i nt ensi t y of
connect i on. We al so encour age you t o t hi nk about et hi cal di l emmas and
how you' d r eact t o t hem. Woul d you, f or exampl e, be a l over t o a
coupl ed i ndi vi dual whose par t ner di dn' t know about your i nvol vement ?
Woul d you l i e t o a l over ? Fake an or gasm?
And t hen t her e' s t he most i mpor t ant l i mi t of al l : " I dont want t o. "
" No, t hank you. " " I dont f eel l i ke sex r i ght now. " Even i f i t ' s your
bi r t hday. Even i f you' r e supposed t o want t o. Even i f you haven' t f or
a l ong t i me. J ust because i t ' s t r ue.
pl anni ng
Successf ul sl ut s know t hat r el at i onshi ps dont j ust happen- t hey t ake
wor k, pl anni ng, and commi t ment . Few of us have so much t i me on our
hands t hat we can si mpl y have conver sat i ons, sex, r ecr eat i on, f ami l y
t i me, or even f i ght s whenever we f eel l i ke i t - mundane r eal i t y has a
way of get t i ng i n t he way of such i mpor t ant st uf f . And yes, we do
t hi nk f i ght i ng i s i mpor t ant and necessar y- we' l l t al k mor e about t he
hows and whys i n t he chapt er on " Conf l i ct " i n Par t I I . I f schedul i ng a
f i ght seems a l i t t l e bi t absur d, j ust i magi ne t he r esul t s of l et t i ng
t he t ensi on bui l d f or sever al days because you haven' t made t i me t o
ar gue.
Get your sel f an appoi nt ment cal endar , and use i t ( Cat her i ne used t o
schedul e sex wi t h her husband, whose name began wi t h F, wi t h t he
cr ypt i c not e " F. F. " , j ust i n case a co- wor ker shoul d gl ance i nt o her Day
Runner ) . And once you' ve made t he commi t ment t o spend t i me t oget her
doi ng any of t hese t hi ngs, keep i t - we know you' r e busy, but post poni ng
i mpor t ant r el at i onshi p wor k t o at t end t o busi ness does not speak wel l
of t he si gni f i cance you gi ve your r el at i onshi ps, does i t ?
KNOWYOURSELF
And know your pr ogr ammi ng. As we have sai d bef or e, we ar e al l car r yi ng
ar ound a l ot of gar bage i n our mi nds about sex and gender . No one can
gr ow up i n our cul t ur e and escape pi cki ng up pur i t ani cal and i naccur at e
i deas about sex. Some of t hese bel i ef s ar e bur i ed so deep t hey can
dr i ve our behavi or unconsci ousl y, wi t hout our knowi ng i t , and cause a
gr eat deal of pai n and conf usi on t o our sel ves and t he peopl e we l ove.
Al l t oo of t en, i n t he name of t hese bel i ef s, we oppr ess ot her peopl e,
and our sel ves.
These deepl y hel d bel i ef s ar e t he r oot s of sexi smand sex negat i vi sm
and t o be a r adi cal sl ut you ar e goi ng t o have t o upr oot t hem. To
t r ul y know your sel f i s t o l i ve on a const ant j our ney of sel f
expl or at i on t o l ear n about your sel f f r omr eadi ng, t her apy, and, most of
al l , t al ki ng i ncessant l y wi t h ot her s who ar e t r avel i ng on si mi l ar
pat hs. Thi s i s har d wor k, but wel l wor t h i t because t hi s i s t he way
you become f r ee t o choose how you want t o l i ve and l ove, own your l i f e,
and become t r ul y t he aut hor of your exper i ence.
OWN YOUR FEELI NGS
A basi c pr ecept of i nt i mat e communi cat i on i s t hat each per son owns her
own f eel i ngs. No one " makes" me f eel j eal ous, or i nsecur e- t he per son
who makes me f eel t hat way i s me. Thi s bel i ef i s not as easy as i t
sounds. When I f eel r ot t en, i t can be har d t o accept t he
r esponsi bi l i t y f or how I f eel : woul dn' t t hi s be easi er i f i t wer e your
f aul t ? Then maybe you coul d f i x i t , and i f you can' t , wel l t hen maybe
I can go bal l i st i c and vent a l i t t l e st eam, bur ni ng you up i n t he
pr ocess.
The pr obl emi s t hat when I bl ame you f or how I f eel , I di sempower
mysel f t o accept mysel f and wor k t owar d f eel i ng bet t er . I f t hi s i s
your f aul t , you must be i n cont r ol , r i ght ? So I can' t do anyt hi ng but
si t her e and moan.
On t he ot her hand, when I own my f eel i ngs, I have l ot s of choi ces, I
can t el l you how I f eel , I can choose whet her or not I want t o act on
t hese f eel i ngs ( no mor e " t he devi l made me do i t ! " ) , I can l ear n how t o
under st and mysel f bet t er , I can comf or t mysel f , or ask you t o comf or t
me. Owni ng your f eel i ngs i s basi c t o under st andi ng t he boundar i es of
wher e I end and you begi n, and t he per f ect f i r st st ep t owar d sel f
accept ance and sel f - l ove.
Dos and dont ' s of et hi cal sl ut t er y
DO ARRANGE YOUR OWN TRANSPORTATI ON WI THOUT DEPRI VI NG YOUR PARTNER OF
THE CAR.
DON' T get your l over ' s pubi c hai r s i n t he al bol ene.
DON' T FUCK LOUDLY AND ENTHUSI ASTI CALLY WI THI N YOUR LOVER' S HEARI NG.
DON' T WANDER OFF WI TH YOUR LOVER, LEAVI NG YOUR PARTNER TO MAKE
CONVERSATI ON WI TH YOUR LOVER' S SPOUSE.
DO REFRAI N FROM FUCKI NG THE GUESTS UNTI L YOUR LOVER I S FI NI SHED
COOKI NG
AND SERVI NG DI NNER.
DON' T TELL YOUR LOVER MORE THAN YOUR LOVER WANTS TO KNOW.
DON' T REGARD " I T WAS SUCH A GOOD FUCK" AS AN ADEQUATE EXCUSE FOR
COMI NG
HOME LATE WI THOUT CALLI NG.
DON' T EXPECT NECESSARI LY TO LI KE YOUR PARTNER' S LOVERS.
DON' T EXPECT THY PARTNER TO BE I NTENSELY HORNY FOR YOU RI GHT AFTER
HAVI NG SEX WI TH SOMEONE ELSE.
DO GET THE TRI CK TOWELS I NTO THE HAMPER BEFORE YOUR LOVER GETS HOME.
Go EASY ON YOURSELF
As pr epar ed as you ar e, as cent er ed as you ar e, as st abl e as you ar e,
you ar e goi ng t o t r i p over pr obl ems you never ant i ci pat ed- we guar ant ee
i t .
Per haps t he most i mpor t ant st ep i n deal i ng wi t h pr obl ems i s t o
r ecogni ze t hat t hey wi l l happen, and t hat i t ' s OK t hat t hey do. You' l l
make mi st akes. You' l l encount er bel i ef s, myt hs and " but t ons" you never
knew you had. Ther e wi l l be t i mes when you' l l f eel pr et t y awf ul .
Can we t el l you how t o avoi d f eel i ng bad? Nope. But we t hi nk you' d
f or gi ve a f r i end or l over who mi sunder st ood or made a mi st ake, and we
hope you' l l gr ant your sel f t he same amnest y. ( As Mor t i ci a Addams says:
" Don' t beat your sel f up, Gomez; t hat ' s my j ob. " ) Knowi ng, l ovi ng and
r espect i ng your sel f i s an absol ut e pr er equi si t e t o knowi ng, l ovi ng and
r espect i ng someone el se. Cut your sel f some sl ack.
A f r i end of our s, when he makes a mi st ake, says, phi l osophi cal l y, " Oh
wel l - AFOG, " That st ands, he says, f or Anot her Fucki ng Oppor t uni t y f or
Gr owt h. Lear ni ng f r omone' s mi st akes i sn' t f un, but i t ' s bet t er t han
not l ear ni ng at al l , r i ght ?
t el l t he t r ut h
Thr oughout your exper i ence- as you f eel pai n, ambi val ence, j oy- you
must speak your own t r ut h, f i r st t o your sel f , t hen t o t hose ar ound you.
" St uf f i ng" and sel f - decept i on have no pl ace i n t hi s l i f est yl e:
pr et endi ng t hat you f eel gr eat when you' r e i n agony wi l l not make you a
bet t er sl ut ; i t wi l l make you bi t t er l y unhappy, and i t may make t hose
who car e about you even unhappi er .
When you t el l t he t r ut h, you di scover how much you have i n common wi t h
t he peopl e you car e about , and put your sel f i n an excel l ent posi t i on t o
suppor t your sel f and each ot her i n a l i f e based on under st andi ng and
l ovi ng accept ance. As you di g deeper and shar e your di scover i es, you
may l ear n mor e about your sel f and ot her s t han you ever knew bef or e.
Wel come t hat knowl edge, and keep on di ggi ng f or mor e.
CHAPTER 7. SLUT STYLES
Ther e ar e a whol e l ot of ways t o l i ve your sexual l i f e, a whol e l ot of
di f f er ent ways t o r el at e t o peopl e and f or mr el at i onshi ps and f ami l i es,
and no one way i s bet t er t han al l t he ot her s.
what i s nor mal ? what i s nat ur al ?
Our cul t ur e t eaches us t hat onl y one way of r el at i ng- l ong- t er m
monogamous mar r i age i s t he r i ght or t he best way. We ar e t ol d t hat
l i f et i me monogamy i s " nor mal " and " nat ur al , " and t hat i f we do not
manage t o f or ce our desi r es i nt o a si ngl e r el at i onshi p we ar e mor al l y
def i ci ent , and somehow goi ng agai nst nat ur e. But t he t r ut h of our
nat ur es i s t hat many of us desi r e sex wi t h mor e t han one per son. So
why does our cul t ur e r equi r e monogamy?
Hi st or i cal l y, r equi r ement s f or sexual f i del i t y t o one par t ner ar e
l i nked wi t h sex- negat i ve at t i t udes and at t empt s t o cont r ol sexual i t y i n
t he i nt er est of soci et y. " Cont r ol " i s t he key wor d her ei n par t i cul ar
t he cont r ol of r epr oduct i on i n t he i nt er est of pr i mogeni t ur e or ot her
dynast i c goal s.
When our cul t ur e was agr ar i an, and i nf ant mor t al i t y common, havi ng l ot s
of chi l dr en t o wor k t he f ar mi n your ol d age was a good sur vi val
t act i c, and mi xi ng t he gene pool not such a bad i dea ei t her . When we
l ook back on mar r i age i n t he agr ar i an wor l d, we see t hat much of i t s
pur pose was dynast i c, t o ensur e t he or der l y successi on of pr oper t y and
pr oduct i on so t hat t he f ami l y and t he vi l l age had enough f ood, houses
t o l i ve i n and gener al st abi l i t y t o maxi mi ze physi cal saf et y and
wel l - bei ng. I n t hese vi l l ages, and i n many par t s of t he wor l d t oday,
t he ext ended f ami l y was what was i mpor t ant , t he net wor k of ki nshi p t hat
ensur ed a l ar ge basi s of mut ual physi cal and emot i onal suppor t . The
ext ended f ami l y st i l l exi st s t o some degr ee i n Amer i ca t oday, of t en i n
cul t ur es r ecent l y t r anspl ant ed f r omot her count r i es, or as a basi c
suppor t syst emamong economi cal l y vul ner abl e ur ban or r ur al
popul at i ons.
The pr udi shness t hat char act er i zes much of our cul t ur al her i t age i s a
r el at i vel y new t hi ng- i n t he l ast cent ur y, onl y r el at i vel y weal t hy
peopl e had mast er bedr ooms; most peopl e had t hei r sex i n t he same r oom
wi t h t hei r chi l dr en and t hei r par ent s. I n war mer cl i mes, you had your
sex out door s. I n one Af r i can cul t ur e, pr oper et i quet t e t aught t o young
peopl e pr escr i bes t hat i f you come acr oss a coupl e copul at i ng i n t he
bushes, t he pol i t e t hi ng t o do i s t o qui et l y si t on your heel and r ock
back and f or t h t i l l you have an or gasmt oo. Woul dn' t t hat be a
di f f er ent way t o gr ow up!
The cont r ol of r epr oduct i on became i ncr easi ngl y i mpor t ant as our
cul t ur e became mor e ur ban- i ndeed, we see an i ncr easi ng f ocus on
cont r ol l i ng sex si nce t he I ndust r i al Revol ut i on i n Eur ope. I t was at
t hi s t i me, i n t he l at e 18t h cent ur y, t hat we began t o hear t hat
mast ur bat i on was bad f or you, t hat t hi s most i nnocent of sexual out l et s
was danger ous t o soci et y: 19t h cent ur y chi l d r ear i ng manual s show
devi ces t o pr event babi es f r omt ouchi ng t hei r geni t al s i n t hei r sl eep.
So our ver y i nt er est i n sex, not even act ed on wi t h anot her , became our
shamef ul secr et .
Wi l hel mRei ch put f or t h an i nt er est i ng t heor y i n hi s l ect ur es t o young
Communi st s i n Ger many i n 1936, dur i ng t he r i se of Hi t l er . Rei ch
t heor i zed t hat wi t hout t he suppr essi on of sexual i t y and t he i mposi t i on
of ant i - sexual mor al i t y, you coul d not have an aut hor i t ar i an
gover nment , because peopl e woul d be f r ee f r omshame, and woul d t r ust
t hei r own sense of r i ght and wr ong. Such peopl e ar e unl i kel y t o mar ch
t o war agai nst t hei r wi shes, and we woul d l i ke t o t hi nk t hey woul d be
unl i kel y t o agr ee t o oper at e t he deat h camps t oo. 6 I t i s i nt er est i ng t o
t hi nk t hat i f we wer e r ai sed wi t hout shame and gui l t about our desi r es,
we mi ght be f r eer peopl e i n many ways.
The nucl ear f ami l y, whi ch consi st s of par ent s and chi l dr en r el at i vel y
i sol at ed f r omsi st er s and cousi ns and aunt s, i s an ar t i f act of t he
moder n mi ddl e cl ass. Chi l dr en no l onger wor k on t he f ar mor i n t he
f ami l y busi ness; t hey ar e r ai sed al most l i ke pet s. Moder n mar r i ages,
no l onger essent i al f or sur vi val , have become l uxur i es whose pr i mar y
pur pose i s t o f ul f i l l our needs f or sex, i nt i macy, and emot i onal
connect i on. We ar e convi nced t hat t he i ncr ease i n di vor ce r ef l ect s t he
si mpl e economi c r eal i t y t hat most of us can t oday af f or d t o l eave
r el at i onshi ps t hat we no l onger f i nd sat i sf yi ng.
And st i l l t he pur i t ans, per haps not yet r eady t o deal wi t h t he
f r i ght eni ng pr ospect of t r ul y f r ee sexual and r omant i c choi ce, at t empt
t o enf or ce t he nucl ear f ami l y and monogamous mar r i age by t eachi ng
sexual shame.
We bel i eve t hat t he cur r ent set of pr escr i bed " ought a be' s, " and any
ot her set , ar e cul t ur al ar t i f act s. We bel i eve t hat Nat ur e i s
wondr ousl y di ver se, of f er i ng us i nf i ni t e possi bi l i t i es. We woul d l i ke
t o l i ve i n a cul t ur e t hat r espect s t he choi ces made by sl ut s as hi ghl y
as we r espect t he coupl e cel ebr at i ng t hei r f i f t i et h anni ver sar y. ( And,
come t o t hi nk of i t , what makes us assume t hat such a coupl e i s
monogamous anyway?)
We ar e pavi ng new r oads acr oss new t er r i t or y. We have no cul t ur al l y
appr oved scr i pt s f or open sexual l i f est yl es; we pr et t y much need t o
wr i t e our own. To wr i t e your own scr i pt r equi r es a l ot of ef f or t , and
a l ot of honest y, and i s t he ki nd of har d wor k t hat br i ngs many
r ewar ds. You may f i nd t he r i ght way f or you, and t hr ee year s f r omnow
deci de you want t o l i ve a di f f er ent way and t hat ' s f i ne t oo. You wr i t e
t he scr i pt , you get t o make t he choi ces, and you get t o change your i ni
nd t oo.
Endl ess Possi bi l i t i es
The possi bi l i t i es f or r ewar di ng and const r uct i ve sl ut l i f est yl es ar e
i ndeed endl ess, so we can' t cover t hemal l . We wi l l descr i be some of
t he l i f est yl es t hat have wor ked f or some peopl e. Whet her or not any of
t hese scenar i os f i t f or you, we hope t hat t hey wi l l of f er you some
i deas about wher e t o st ar t your expl or at i on, or per haps t he val i dat i on
of knowi ng t hat t her e ar e ot her s l i ke you out t her e.
Remember t hat t her e ar e many ki nds and degr ees of i nt i macy, as many as
t her e ar e peopl e. We have seen a l ot of peopl e get conf used, and have
been conf used our sel ves, when we t r y t o f or ce a r el at i onshi p t o sat i sf y
some f ant asy or i deal t hat does not f i t t hat par t i cul ar r el at i onshi p.
When we meet someone we l i ke and f eel sexy about , t hi s i s not an
i ndi cat i on t hat t hat per son wi l l f i t pr eci sel y i nt o t he empt y space i n
our l i ves. And i t wi l l not wor k t o make a poi nt - by- poi nt eval uat i on of
a pot ent i al pl aymat e, scor i ng her accor di ng t o how cl osel y she mat ches
up t o our f ant asy of t he i deal par t ner . Put t i ng our own needs and
f ant asi es f or emost get s i n t he way of act ual l y meet i ng anot her per son,
and enj oyi ng t he wonder f ul sur pr i ses i nvol ved i n get t i ng t o know who
t hat per son i s.
Each r el at i onshi p seeks i t s own l evel . You mi ght get al ong f abul ousl y
wi t h your f r i end, and have gr eat sex wi t h col ossal i nt i macy. . . yet
di scover f r omexper i ence t hat t hi s wor ks when you get t oget her about
once a mont h. Maybe when you t r y t o spend a week t oget her you get
i r r i t at ed, or bor ed, or ot her wi se ver y unhappy wi t h t he si t uat i on. I f
you al l ow t hi s r el at i onshi p t o wor k t he way i t wor ks, you coul d go on
meet i ng once a mont h f or t en year s and be per f ect l y cont ent .
One of t he wonder f ul advant ages of bei ng a sl ut i s t hat you get t o have
di f f er ent ki nds of r el at i onshi ps, i nst ead of havi ng t o choose j ust one.
When we ar e l ooki ng f or a l i f e par t ner , f or exampl e, we want a l ot of
compat i bi l i t y: si mi l ar val ues, i nt el l ect ual and est het i c i nt er est s i n
common, good sex, l i kes t o eat t he same f ood. We can connect wi t h a
much wi der r ange of peopl e as soon as we st op audi t i oni ng t hemf or a
t oget her - f or ever r ol e. You dont have t o f or ce anyone i nt o a mol d t hat
doesn' t f i t : al l you have t o do i s enj oy how you do f i t t oget her , and
l et go of t he r est .
f r i endl y sex
Not hi ng chal l enges cul t ur al l y i mposed boundar i es f or i nt i macy mor e t han
openi ng up t he pot ent i al t o shar e sex wi t h f r i ends. Cat her i ne had
l unch a whi l e ago wi t h Mar y, one of t he f ew f r i ends r emai ni ng f r omher
pr evi ous l i f e as a monogamous mar r i ed woman. At one poi nt Mar y
r emar ked, " Hey, I guess I ' mabout t he onl y st r ai ght f r i end you have
l ef t , huh?" " Yup, " Cat her i ne agr eed. " I n f act , you' r e t he onl y f r i end
I ' ve never had sex wi t h. "
I n si ngl es cul t ur e, we can obser ve t he " Land of One- Ni ght St ands, " i n
whi ch you go home wi t h a pi ck- up and shar e some hot sex, t hen t he next
mor ni ng you l ook at each ot her and deci de i f t he r el at i onshi p has
l i f e- par t ner pot ent i al . I f not , you l eave, wi t h much embar r assment ,
and t he unspoken r ul e i s t hat you wi l l never be comf or t abl e wi t h t hat
per son agai n, as t hey have been wei ghed i n t he bal ance and f ound
want i ng. We have no scr i pt s f or sexual i nt i macy i n t he mi ddl e, i n t he
ar ea bet ween compl et e st r anger and t ot al commi t ment .
How do you l ear n t o shar e i nt i macy wi t hout f al l i ng i n l ove? We woul d
pr opose t hat we do l ove our f r i ends, and par t i cul ar l y t hose we shar e
sex wi t h: t hese i ndi vi dual s ar e our f ami l y, of t en mor e per manent i n our
l i ves t han mar r i ages. Wi t h pr act i ce, we can devel op an i nt i macy based
on war mt h and mut ual r espect , much f r eer t han desper at i on, needi ness,
or t he bl i nd i nsani t y of f al l i ng i n l ove. That ' s why t he r el at i onshi ps
bet ween f uck- buddi es ar e so i mmensel y val uabl e. When we acknowl edge
t he l ove and r espect and appr eci at i on t hat we do shar e wi t h l over s we
woul d never mar r y, sexual f r i endshi ps can become, not onl y possi bl e,
but pr ef er r ed. So whi l e you' r e wor r yi ng t hat your sexual desi r e coul d
cost you your best f r i end, t he mor e exper i enced sl ut coul d be
wonder i ng- l i ke Cat her i ne- why you ar e t he onl y f r i end he has never
f ucked.
Each r el at i onshi p seeks i t s own l evel , or wi l l i f you l et i t . Li ke
wat er , you and what ever per son has caught your f ancy can f l ow t oget her
as l ong as you l et i t happen i n t he way t hat i s f i t t i ng t o you bot h.
Ther e ar e i nf i ni t el y many ways i n whi ch peopl e can come t oget her , so
her e we wi l l l i st onl y a f ew of t he pat t er ns t hat we have obser ved wor k
wel l f or some of t he peopl e we have known. Al l t hese get modi f i ed by
your sexual pr ef er ences: monosexual , bi sexual , t r ansgender , S/ M. Her e
we ar e t al ki ng about what ar e essent i al l y t he f ami l y st r uct ur es of
sl ut s.
cel i bacy
Tr adi t i onal l y, cel i bacy has of f er ed a way f or peopl e t o f ocus on
i nt el l ect ual or spi r i t ual concer ns, wi t hout t he di st r act i on of f l eshl y
l ust s. I f you' r e on a r el i gi ous quest , or wor ki ng on your doct or al
di sser t at i on, or under goi ng a maj or l i f e change, cel i bacy- shor t - t er m
or l ong- t er m- may of f er a val i d means of nar r owi ng your f ocus f or a
whi l e.
Si mi l ar l y, peopl e f or whomsex or r el at i onshi ps have been pr obl emat i c
may choose a per i od of cel i bacy as a pat hway t owar d sel f exami nat i on
" What ki nd of per son amI when I ' mby mysel f ?" ( Dossi e was cel i bat e
f or t hi s r eason f or f i ve mont hs af t er she l ef t her abusi ve par t ner . )
Some peopl e ar e cel i bat e, but not by choi ce: peopl e who ar e
i ncar cer at ed, i l l or di sabl ed, geogr aphi cal l y i sol at ed, soci al l y
unski l l ed, or under age may have t r oubl e f i ndi ng par t ner s f or consensual
sex. Ot her s ar e cel i bat e si mpl y because t hey do not , f or what ever
r eason, f eel l i ke bei ng soci abl e or sexual f or a whi l e.
We do not see " cel i bat e sl ut " as i n any way a cont r adi ct i on i n t er ms.
Unl ess your spi r i t ual guest di ct at es ot her wi se, a per i od of cel i bacy
can of f er a wonder f ul " honeymoon f or one" : a per i od t hat you can spend
i n l engt hy and l uxur i ous expl or at i on of your own f ant asi es, t ur n- ons
and physi cal r eact i ons t o var i ous st i mul i . Mast ur bat i on can and shoul d
be a sexual ar t equal t o par t ner ed sex i n i t s possi bi l i t i es and
compl exi t y, a genui ne and honor abl e mani f est at i on of sel f - l ove. And
cel i bacy can become a t r i umphant cel ebr at i on of your r el at i onshi p wi t h
your sel f .
Sl NGLEHOOD
For some sl ut s, bei ng si ngl e may be a t empor ar y condi t i on bet ween
par t ner s, or a r ecommended per i od of heal i ng f r oma r ecent br eakup, or
a chosen l i f est yl e f or t he l ong t er m. Bei ng si ngl e i s a good way t o
get t o know who you ar e when you ar e not t r yi ng t o f i t as t he ot her
hal f of somebody el se; l ear ni ng t o l i ve wi t h your sel f and enj oy i t
gi ves you a l ot t o shar e wi t h a par t ner when you choose t o have one.
Dossi e has spent about hal f of her adul t l i f e un par t ner ed gener at i ng a
ki nshi p net wor k f r ompl ayi ng t he f i el d, r ai si ng her daught er i n a ver y
suppor t i ve communi t y of mut ual l y l ovi ng and sexual men and women.
Si ngl e peopl e can pl ay t he f i el d i n a var i et y of ways. One
di st i ngui shi ng di mensi on i s how separ at e you keep your l over s. We may
go t o gr eat l engt hs t o pr ot ect our l over s and our sel ves f r om
exper i enci ng any j eal ousy, t o t he ext ent t hat we of t en f ai l t o l ear n
how t o deal wi t h j eal ous f eel i ngs because we have gi ven our sel ves no
oppor t uni t i es t o t r y but mor e about t hi s l at er . We pr omi se we wi l l
hel p you wi t h j eal ousy i n i t s own chapt er .
So one f or mof sl ut t er y f or t he si ngl e i nvol ves mul t i pl e par t ner s who
have no i nt er act i on, i ndeed no i nf or mat i on about each ot her . Thi s
avoi ds compl i cat i ons at t he cost of l i mi t i ng cer t ai n ki nds of i nt i macy,
such as oppor t uni t i es f or mut ual suppor t and t he devel opment of
communi t y.
Anot her way i s t o i nt r oduce your l over s t o each ot her , per haps over
Sunday br unch. Thi s may sound wi l d, or i mpossi bl e, or l i ke a scr i pt
f or di sast er , but dont knock i t i f you ai n' t t r i ed i t . Your l over s
have a l ot i n common, t o wi t you and what ever at t r act ed you t o t hem,
and t hey may ver y wel l l i ke each ot her : Cat her i ne used t o have a
mar vel ousl y gi ggl y bi weekl y l unch dat e wi t h her par t ner ' s l over , who
l i ved near her wor kpl ace. I ndeed, you coul d go i nt o t hi s si t uat i on
f ear i ng t hat your l over s woul d hat e each ot her , and come out wonder i ng
about your own j eal ousy i f your l over s l i ke each ot her a l i t t l e bet t er
t han you bar gai ned f or - Cat her i ne st ayed f r i ends and occasi onal l over s
wi t h her par t ner ' s l over l ong af t er hi s sexual r el at i onshi p wi t h her
had ended.
I nt r oduci ng your l over s hel ps pr event one of t he scar i est aspect s of
j eal ousy, whi ch i s t he par t wher e you i magi ne t hat your l over ' s ot her
l over i s t al l er , t hi nner , smar t er , sexi er and i n al l ways pr ef er abl e t o
f unky ol d you. When you meet t hat ot her per son, or when your l over s
meet each ot her , t hey meet r eal peopl e, war t s and al l , and so may wi nd
up f eel i ng saf er . ( Bel i eve us, no f l esh and bl ood human i s scar i er
t han your own i magi nat i on. ) Thi s al so sol ves t he annual pr obl emabout
who you spend your bi r t hday wi t h: once t hey know each ot her , t hey can
conspi r e t o sur pr i se you wi t h a bi g par t y.
I nt r oduci ng your l over s t o each ot her al so makes possi bl e t he
devel opment of a communi t y, or an ext ended f ami l y of peopl e who ar e
i nt i mat el y connect ed t hr ough sexual and per sonal bonds. As mor e peopl e
connect t o each ot her i n a var i et y of ways, i ncl udi ng sexual , net wor ks
f or m, and somet hi ng l i ke f ami l i es evol ve. Then t he si t uat i on of
i nt r oduci ng your l over s can become obsol et e, as t hey may al r eady know
each ot her .
For t he si ngl e per son, becomi ng l over t o one member of a coupl e
r equi r es t hat you, as t he si ngl e per son, r espect t hei r r el at i onshi p and
be cour t eous and suppor t i ve t o your l over ' s pr i mar y par t ner . I t al so
r equi r es t hat your l over ' s par t ner be cour t eous and suppor t i ve t o you.
Avoi d f al l i ng i nt o t he t r ap t hat you ar e aut omat i cal l y t he
co- r espondent , t he seducer , t he home- wr ecker , t he t hi ef of l ove when
someone who i s par t ner ed i s at t r act ed t o you, or you t o t hem. You ar e
no mor e t he vi l l ai n t han anyone el se i n t hi s t r ansact i on When al l of
you behave wi t h r espect f or al l of your f eel i ngs, t her e ar e no vi ct i ms,
and no vi l l ai ns.
The si ngl e per son may al so become l over t o a coupl e, i n any combi nat i on
of gender s. Rel at i ng t o an est abl i shed coupl e of f er s a l ot of secur i t y
t o t he si ngl e per son, who can ent er i nt o an exi st i ng i nt i macy, and
shar e what ever ener gy seems t o sui t , wi t hout f ur t her obl i gat i on. I t i s
an i ncr edi bl e pr i vi l ege, and a gr eat t r eat , t o be per mi t t ed t o obser ve
and ent er i nt o a coupl e' s sexual pat t er n t hat has had t he chance t o
evol ve over t i me wi t h t he i nt ense i nt i macy of par t ner s Ther e i s a gr eat
beaut y i n i nt i mat e sex, and t he l over t o a coupl e i s i n a gr eat
posi t i on t o par t ake of i t Your aut hor s bot h cher i sh memor i es of
del i ci ous moment s i n t hr ee- ways when, per haps our sel ves al r eady sat ed,
we got a qui et moment t o wat ch our l over s make l ove t o each ot her - a
pr of oundl y movi ng and beaut i f ul si ght .
I f you ar e a si ngl e per son i n any open sexual l i f est yl e, i t hel ps t o
pay at t ent i on t o how you ar e get t i ng your needs met , bot h sexual and
emot i onal . A l i f e of one- ni ght st ands can be war mand i nt i mat e i f you
make your l over s i nt o your f ami l y- shar i ng your emot i ons wi t h your
par t ner s, and expr essi ng af f ect i on and appr eci at i on f or t he del i ght you
f i nd i n t hem. You can get your needs met i n an i nf i ni t e var i et y of
ways. The i mpor t ant t hi ng i s t o be awar e of your needs and want s, so
you can go about get t i ng f ul f i l l ed wi t h f ul l consci ousness. I f you
pr et end t hat you have no needs, ei t her f or sex, or af f ect i on, or
emot i onal suppor t , you ar e l yi ng t o your sel f , and you wi l l wi nd up
t r yi ng t o get your needs met by i ndi r ect met hods t hat won' t wor k ver y
wel l . Peopl e who do t hi s of t en get cal l ed mani pul at i ve or
passi ve- aggr essi ve- t er ms, i n our opi ni on, f or peopl e who have not
f i gur ed out how t o get t hei r needs met i n a st r ai ght f or war d manner Do
not commi t your sel f t o a l i f et i me of hi nt i ng and hopi ng
When you f i gur e out what you want and ask f or i t , you' l l be sur pr i sed
how of t en t he answer i s " yes. " Thi nk how r el i eved you mi ght f eel when
someone asks you f or suppor t , or a hug, or ot her wi se l et s you know how
t o pl ease her or hi m. Thi nk of how compet ent and j ust pl ai n good you
f eel when you can t r ul y hel p anot her per son, whet her i t ' s by of f er i ng a
shoul der t o cr y on, or t hat j ust r i ght st i mul at i on t hat l eads t o t he
per f ect or gasm. Gi ve your f r i ends t he oppor t uni t y t o f eel good by
f ul f i l l i ng you t oo.
par t ner shi ps
Ther e ar e mul t i pl e f or ms of open r el at i onshi ps f or t he par t ner ed,
i ncl udi ng ser i al monogamy, wher e one' s var i ous par t ner s ar e separ at ed
i n t i me, and t he ever - popul ar non consensual nonmonogamy, ot her wi se
known as cheat i ng We can t hi nk of t hese l i f est yl es as " unconsci ous f r ee
l ove, " but your aut hor s f eel bot h f r eer and saf er when we st ay awar e
I t i s axi omat i c t hat open r el at i onshi ps wor k best when a coupl e t akes
car e of each ot her and t hei r r el at i onshi p f i r st , bef or e t hey i ncl ude
ot her s i n t hei r dynami c So t he sl ut coupl e needs t o be wi l l i ng t o do
t he wor k we wi l l descr i be l at er i n t hi s book t o communi cat e wel l and t o
handl e j eal ousy, i nsecur i t y and t er r i t or i al i t y wi t h t he hi ghest
consci ousness. Coupl es al so need t o keep t hei r own sexual connect i on
happy, heal t hy and hot .
Coupl es can have a secondar y r el at i onshi p out si de of t he pr i mar y, or a
number of l over s t hat dont get r anked i n any hi er ar chy Rel at i onshi ps
var y a l ot i n how cl ose or di st ant t hey ar e, and i n how much cont act i s
i nvol ved Some may be shor t - t er m, whi l e ot her s may l ast f or year s or
even a l i f et i me; some may i nvol ve get t i ng t oget her t wi ce a week, ot her s
t wi ce a year .
Coupl es new t o nonmonogamy t end t o spend a l ot of ener gy def i ni ng t hei r
boundar i es. They usual l y f ocus mor e at f i r st on what t hey dont want
t hei r par t ner t o do- t he act i vi t i es t hat make t hemf eel , f or some
r eason, unsaf e or downr i ght t er r i f i ed- t han on t hei r act ual desi r es.
Thi s i s, f or many coupl es, a necessar y f i r st st ep out i nt o t he
di sor i ent i ng wor l d of sl ut hood t hese l i mi t s act as f r i endl y handl es t o
gr ab ont o when you' r e f eel i ng di zzy, scar ed or i nsecur e. Our
obser vat i on i s t hat as coupl es become mor e sophi st i cat ed at oper at i ng
t he boundar i es of t hei r r el at i onshi p, t hey t end t o f ocus mor e on what
t hey woul d enj oy, and t hen st r at egi ze about how t hey can make i t
saf e.
One woman of our acquai nt ance has a l i f et i me l i f est yl e of havi ng t wo
pr i mar y par t ner s, one of each gender , wi t h her ot her par t ner s and her
pr i mar i es' ot her par t ner s f or mi ng a huge net wor k. Her pr i mar y
r el at i onshi ps hi st or i cal l y have l ast ed many year s, t hr ough r ai si ng
chi l dr en and gr andchi l dr en, and her exes ar e st i l l act i ve member s of
t hei r ext ended f ami l y. Her and her par t ner s' abi l i t i es t o ext end l ove
and uncondi t i onal suppor t t o so many peopl e i s r emar kabl e.
I n some open r el at i onshi ps, each par t ner seeks out ot her par t ner s
pr et t y much separ at el y, of t en maki ng agr eement s about who get s t o
cr ui se whi ch cl ub when, or t aki ng car e t o avoi d r unni ng i nt o each ot her
on t he I nt er net or i n t he newspaper ads. They may t al k about t hei r
advent ur es wi t h each ot her , and occasi onal l y i nt r oduce pl ay par t ner s t o
t hei r pr i mar i es.
Ot her s seek out a cl ose mat ch wi t h anot her coupl e so t hey can pl ay,
ei t her as a f our some or by swi t chi ng par t ner s, wi t h peopl e t hey have
met and chosen t oget her . Many pol yamor ous coupl es make a f i ne
l i f est yl e out of seeki ng r el at i onshi ps wi t h coupl es who ar e most l i ke
t hemsel ves, who shar e t hei r val ues and boundar i es. Such pai r i ngs of
pai r s can become l i f el ong at t achment s, and gener at e bot h hot sex and
t r ue f ami l y i nt er connect edness.
Coupl es, as wel l as si ngl es, may enj oy gr oup sex. Envi r onment s f or
or gi es, par t y houses, sex cl ubs, swi ng houses, gay men' s bat hs, t he
t ubs or t he gl or y hol es, ar e avai l abl e i n many maj or ci t i es i n a
var i et y of f or ms, and cat er t o al l sexual pr ef er ences. We wi l l t el l
you al l about t hemi n t hei r own chapt er . As par t of a l i f est yl e, a
gr oup sex envi r onment may const i t ut e a saf e f i el d of expl or at i on f or a
non monogamous coupl e. They can at t end par t i es t oget her or separ at el y,
cr ui se si ngl y or as a t wosome, meet each ot her ' s f r i ends, and pl ay wi t h
a var i et y of peopl e, al l t he whi l e mai nt ai ni ng what ever connect i on wi t h
each ot her t hey f eel good about . I n t hi s way, sex out si de of t he
pr i mar y r el at i onshi p has a boundar y of sor t s, t he speci f i c envi r onment
i n whi ch i t happens, and many peopl e l i ke i t t hat way.
Gr oup sex envi r onment s t end t o devel op t hei r own f ami l i es, peopl e who
come r egul ar l y and get t o know each ot her , and may shar e ot her
act i vi t i es, l i ke gi ant Thanksgi vi ng di nner s. The f i l m" Per sonal
Ser vi ces" shows us a war mand mar vel ous Chr i st mas get - t oget her of such
a f ami l y i n a Br i t i sh house of domi nat i on.
Some peopl e f or msexual l y excl usi ve gr oups of coupl es, pr act i ci ng
pol yf i del i t y i n a cl osed but wi der f i el d of possi bi l i t i es so t hat
member s can expl or e sexual l y and st i l l have a cont ai ner t hat wi l l
pr ot ect t hemf r omi nf ect i on and pr ovi de a l evel of emot i onal commi t ment
f r omal l member s. Some l i ve separ at el y, and some cr eat e gr oup
mar r i ages of t wo or t hr ee or f our coupl es who have made commi t ment s t o
r ai se ki ds and buy houses, al ong wi t h what ever agr eement s t hey wor k out
about shar i ng sex.
mor e t han t wo
Peopl e can make commt i ment s t o each ot her i n number s gr eat er t han t wo.
The l evel of commi t ment may var y, as when an exi st i ng coupl e makes a
commi t ment t o a t hi r d par t ner , or even a f our t h. Rel at i onshi ps t hat
add, and i nevi t abl y al so subt r act , member s over t i me act ual l y t end t o
f or mver y compl ex st r uct ur es, wi t h new conf i gur at i ons of f ami l y r ol es
t hat t hey gener al l y i nvent by t r i al and er r or . I ndi vi dual s i n gr oups
t hat come t oget her as a t hr eesome or f our some may f i nd t hei r r ol es
wi t hi n t he f ami l y devel opi ng, gr owi ng and changi ng over t i me: t he
per son who f eel s l i ke " mot her " of t he gr oup t hi s year mi ght wel l
t r ansi t i on t o " ki d" or " Dad" over t i me.
Tr i ads ar e pr obabl y t he most common ar r angement , al l owi ng par t ner s of
one or bot h gender s t o f or ma f ami l y uni t . Some peopl e gr ow i nt o
t r i adi c or quadr at i c f ami l i es as t hey at t ai n deepeni ng i nvol vement wi t h
one or mor e member s who st ar t ed as out si de l over s. Ot her s act i vel y
seek member s f or gr oup mar r i ages, t o f ul f i l l t hei r i dea of t he ki nd of
f ami l y t hey want t o l i ve i n. We have hear d of peopl e who i dent i f y as
t r i sexual because t hey ar e so st r ongl y at t uned t o t he i dea of l i vi ng
and l ovi ng as par t of a t hr eesome.
Bal anci ng t r i ads can be chal l engi ng, as i n any menage a t r oi s t her e ar e
act ual l y t hr ee coupl es, A & B, B & C, and C & A, and each of t hese
r el at i onshi ps wi l l be di f f er ent . I n a t r i ad, as wi t h t he si bl i ngs of a
f ami l y, al l t he r el at i onshi ps wi l l not be at t he same l evel at t he same
t i me. Cat her i ne, f or i nst ance, r ecent l y par t i ci pat ed i n a l engt hy
I nt er net conver sat i on r egar di ng whi ch member of a t r i ad shoul d r i de i n
t he back seat of t he car . To get hung up on f or ci ng t hese
r el at i onshi ps t o be exact l y t he same can l eave you i n t he posi t i on of
t he smal l ki d scr eami ng about " How come she got t he f i r st hug?" , or t he
bi ggest smi l e, or t he hot t est or gasm. We cannot emphasi ze enough t he
i mpor t ance of get t i ng beyond compet i t i veness t o wor k i nsi de your sel f on
accept i ng di f f er ence and uni queness as a wonder f ul gi f t t hat i ncr eases
us al l .
ci r cl es and t r i bes
Ci r cl e i s a wor d we use f or a set of connect i ons bet ween a gr oup of
peopl e t hat act ual l y mi ght l ook mor e l i ke a const el l at i on, wi t h some
peopl e near t he hub and connect ed t o sever al ot her s, and ot her s near
t he out si de and connect ed t o onl y one or t wo ( and, per haps, par t of
anot her const el l at i on as wel l ) . These const el l at i ons may be casual , or
may become act ual ext ended f ami l i es, wi t h pr ovi si ons f or r ai si ng
chi l dr en, maki ng a l i vi ng, t aki ng car e of t he si ck or agi ng, and
pur chasi ng pr oper t y.
Uni ver si t y of Pennsyl vani a pr of essor J ames Ramey, i n hi s wonder f ul book
" I nt i mat e Fr i endshi ps, " document ed hi s obser vat i ons t hat nonmonogamy
t ended t owar d t he f or mi ng of what he descr i bed as ki nshi p net wor ks,
communi t i es bound t oget her by t he i nt i maci es of t hei r sexual
connect i ons, per haps ser vi ng t he same f unct i ons as vi l l ages di d i n a
smal l er wor l d. Some of us have t aki ng t o r ef er r i ng t o our gr oupi ngs as
t r i bes.
Ci r cl es of sexual f r i ends ar e common- gay men cal l t hese f r i ends " f uck
buddi es. " Such ci r cl es may be open, and wel come new member s, t ypi cal l y
br ought i n by ot her member s. When you ar e par t of such a ci r cl e, new
l over s of any member ar e pot ent i al f r i ends and f ami l y member s of your
own, so t he f ocus changes f r omcompet i t i on and excl usi vi t y t o a sense
of i ncl usi on and wel come, of t en ver y war mi ndeed.
Ot her ci r cl es ar e cl osed, wi t h new member s wel come onl y by agr eement
wi t h exi st i ng member s. Cl osed ci r cl es have become mor e popul ar as a
st r at egy f or saf et y f r omHI V i nf ect i on and ot her sexual l y t r ansmi t t ed
condi t i ons, and al so t o deal wi t h al i enat i on i n an over popul at ed wor l d.
I n a cl osed ci r cl e, t he not i on i s t hat you can pl ay wi t h anyone i n t he
ci r cl e ( al l of whomhave made agr eement s about saf er sex, and ar e al l
per haps of known HI V st at us) but you dont have sex wi t h anyone out si de
t he gr oup. Thus you get t o pl ay ar ound wi t h a var i et y of r el at i onshi ps
and st i l l st ay i n a l i mi t ed f i el d. Such l i f est yl es ar e somet i mes known
as pol yf i del i t y.
Gr oup mar r i ages, of any number , may be f or med by a gr oup of coupl es or
may act ual l y avoi d dyads, f ocusi ng on ever yone bei ng an i ndi vi dual
member of t he gr oup. Gr oups may al so be cl osed or open. They may
choose t o cel ebr at e t he i ncl usi on of a new member i nt o t he f ami l y wi t h
a mar r i age- t ype cer emony- Cat her i ne r ecent l y encount er ed a gr oup of
t hr ee f r i ends who wer e shoppi ng t oget her f or weddi ng r i ngs.
The Unet hi cal Sl ut : Ways Not t o Do I t
Some peopl e appr oach open sexual l i f est yl es as i f t he most i mpor t ant
aspect i s t he scor e, and t her e i s no r ef er ee. Al l ' s f ai r , r i ght ? Spor t
f ucker s, set col l ect or s and t r ophy f ucker s t r eat t hei r par t ner s l i ke
pr i zes i n a cont est t hey have set out t o wi n- onl y what happens af t er
t he pr i ze i s col l ect ed? I s i t t i me t o go af t er t he next one?
The concept of set col l ect or s may be new t o you, but we assur e you t hat
such peopl e exi st . Dossi e di scover ed a bunch of t hemwhen she l i ved i n
a communal San Fr anci sco househol d cal l ed Li ber at ed Ladi es at Lar ge
wi t h t wo ot her si ngl e mot her s, and l ear ned t hat some peopl e' s i deal of
f r ee l ove was t o make sur e t hey had sex wi t h al l t hr ee of t he l i ber at ed
si st er s. Cat her i ne once di scover ed t hat a woul d- be l over of her s had
al r eady had sex wi t h her mot her and her si st er , and was hopi ng f or a
per f ect scor e.
When spor t - f ucki ng means t r eat i ng your par t ner s as obj ect s r at her t han
as human bei ngs, t hi s does not meet our r equi r ement s f or mut ual
r espect . We hope you aspi r e t o mor e f r omyour sexual encount er s t han
t o scor e a f ew poi nt s i n t he game of l ove: we pr ef er t o pl ay f or
r eal .
Some peopl e appr oach " scor i ng" as i f al l peopl e coul d be r anked on a
hi er ar chy f r omt he most t o t he l east desi r abl e, and as i f t he way t o
make t he most poi nt s and assur e your sel f of a hi gh r ank wer e t o col l ect
par t ner s as hi gh up t he l adder as you coul d r each. Peopl e gai n i n r ank
and val ue i n t hese hi er ar chi es by bei ng r i ch, t hi n, young, cut e,
weal t hy and/ or pr of essi onal , and somet i mes by owni ng expensi ve
war dr obes, car s or ot her pr oper t y. You wi l l not e t hat t hese
at t r i but es, t he ones you can measur e, ar e al l about ext er nal
char act er i st i cs, r at her t han about t he ki nd of per son t hi s i s or t he
war mt h and dept h of t he connect i on you coul d make.
We do not bel i eve t hat l ove i s a game whi ch you can wi n by scor i ng hi gh
on a hi er ar chy of shal l ow val ues. We know f r omext ensi ve exper i ence
t hat a f ashi onabl e appear ance i s not a pr edi ct or of good l ovi ng. We
avoi d r anki ng peopl e as bet t er or wor se t han each ot her , and ar e
unhappy wi t h t hose who want t o r el at e t o our r ank ( aut hor s get qui t e a
f ew poi nt s i n t he " pr of essi on" cat egor y) mor e t han our sel ves.
Hi er ar chi es pr oduce vi ct i ms on t he t op as wel l as t he bot t om, si nce i t
i s j ust about as al i enat i ng t o be appr oached by t oo many peopl e f or t he
wr ong r easons as i t i s t o be appr oached by no one at al l . We know t hat
each per son i s uni que, and t hat t hei r own i ndi vi dual i t y i s f ar mor e
val uabl e t han how t hey l ook or what t hey own
Some peopl e ent er i nt o sexual encount er s as t hough sex wer e a bi g game
hunt - t r yi ng t o conquer t he unwi l l i ng, and unwi t t i ng, vi ct i m, as t hough
t he obj ect of t hei r at t ent i ons woul d never make a deci si on t o shar e sex
wi t h t he seducer unl ess t r i cked i nt o i t Have we al l seen or r ead
" Danger ous Li ai sons' " ? I f you bel i eve t hat someone el se woul d have t o
be a f ool t o make l ove wi t h you, t hat may be a sel f - f ul f i l l i ng
pr ophecy. I f you bel i eve t hat you can use sex t o shor e up your f r agi l e
sel f - est eemby st eal i ng someone el se' s, we f eel sor r y f or you, because
t hi s wi l l never wor k t o bui l d a sol i d sense of sel f wor t h, and you wi l l
have t o go on st eal i ng mor e and mor e and never get t i ng f ul f i l l ed. And
we hope you pl ay t he t hi ef of l ove i n some ot her soci al ci r cl es t han
our own.
Of t en, someone who has a hi st or y of non consensual nonmonogamy get s
at t ached t o t he sense of secr ecy, of " get t i ng away wi t h somet hi ng"
These f ol ks may have a ver y har d t i me adapt i ng t o t he i dea of
consensual sl ut hood t hey' r e so used t o conceal i ng t hei r act i vi t i es
f r omt hei r par t ner s t hat t hey may even have bui l t t hat f ur t i ve f eel i ng
i nt o t hei r er ot i c l i f e, f eel i ng hooked on t he adr enal i ne r ush t hey get
f r omf or bi dden f r ui t I t may t ake a pr et t y subst ant i al l eap of f ai t h,
and maybe some cr eat i ve f ant asi zi ng and r ol e- pl ayi ng, f or such an
i ndi vi dual t o open up her hi dden pl aces and exper i ence t he gr eat er j oy
t hat can come f r omknowi ng t hat nobody i s get t i ng hur t by her f un.
Don' t make pr omi ses you can' t keep I f you ar e at t r act ed t o someone who
i s l ooki ng f or a l i f e par t ner shi p and what you want i s a l i ght - hear t ed
af f ai r ( or vi ce ver sa) , you need t o be honest about t hat , even i f t hat
means sayi ng no t hank you t o sex unt i l your f eel i ngs f or each ot her ar e
mor e on a par . Mi st akes can easi l y be made. Dossi e made such a
mi st ake when she was ver y young and st upi d
I had j ust br oken up a l ong t er mr el at i onshi p, and was pr et t y br oken up
about i t mysel f I had gone out t o t he cof f ee shops i n Gr eenwi ch
Vi l l age, and saw my r ecent ex i n ear nest conver sat i on wi t h a cut e young
t hi ng who was not me I f el t hor r i bl y bet r ayed, l ost and wor t hl ess
J ust t hen, a young man who had been at t r act ed t o me, and f or whomI had
no ser i ous f eel i ngs, came up t o speak t o me. I t somehow seemed
appr opr i at e t o go home wi t h hi mand l et hi msoot he my r uf f l ed f eat her s,
but I r egr et t ed i t t he next day when I f ound mysel f hur t i ng hi s
f eel i ngs and l eavi ng hi mi n t he l ur ch. To f ur t her aggr avat e my gui l t ,
i t t ur ned out what my ex was doi ng wi t h t hat sweet gi r l was beat i ng hi s
bosomabout how hor r i bl e he f el t about br eaki ng up wi t h me, and we
wound up get t i ng back t oget her . I have al ways f el t l i ke I t ook
advant age of t he young man who of f er ed me hi s af f ect i on, whi ch I
t hought l essl y t ook and t hen gave r i ght back t o hi m. I t woul d have been
ki nder had I j ust sai d no.
An ol der and wi ser Dossi e has si nce di scover ed a coupl e of l i mi t s of
her own: she does not shar e sex wi t h anyone t hat she' s not at l east
pot ent i al l y i nt er est ed i n shar i ng sex wi t h agai n, and anyt hi ng wor t h
doi ng i s wor t h wai t i ng f or t i l l t he t i me i s r i ght . Whi l e we al l make
mi st akes, t he hal l mar k of a ski l l f ul sl ut i s t o l ear n f r omt hemand
keep goi ng.
Whi ch br i ngs us t o r evenge f ucki ng. I t i s t r ul y nast y t o ar r ange t o
have sex wi t h one per son t o get back at anot her . To ar ouse one
per son' s i nsecur i t i es, j eal ousy and ot her pai nf ul f eel i ngs on pur pose
i s di shonor abl e, and t o use anot her per son l i ke a puppet i n your pl ay
i n t hi s f ashi on i s di sr espect f ul and of t en downr i ght abusi ve. I n
psychopat hol ogy, " ant i soci al " i s def i ned as behavi ng wi t h f l agr ant
di sr egar d f or t he r i ght s, and we woul d add f eel i ngs, of ot her s. We
pr ef er t o r el at e t o soci abl e peopl e.
What do you do when someone i n your i nt i mat e ci r cl e i s not pl ayi ng
honest l y? I t hel ps i f t he peopl e i n your ext ended f ami l y have ways t o
t al k about what i s goi ng on, t o shar e exper i ences and f eel i ngs - i f
ever yone i s t oo ashamed t o admi t t o havi ng been mi sused by someone wi t h
an unt r ust wor t hy hi dden agenda, t hen no one wi l l have t he i nf or mat i on
t hey need t o pr ot ect t hemsel ves. Ther e i s no shame i n havi ng bel i eved
someone' s l i es, and most of us at some t i me or ot her have gi ven our
t r ust t o someone who t ur ned out not t o be wor t hy of i t . I t i s possi bl e
t o f ool an honest per son, but we hope you have enough humi l i t y t o l ear n
f r omyour mi st akes and not get f ool ed t wi ce.
Al l of t he above pr obl emat i c scr i pt s ar e about somebody not bei ng
honest , and ar e al so about somebody havi ng sex whi l e avoi di ng i nt i macy
and emot i onal connect i on. We pr ef er t o t r ust t o Nat ur e and al l ow each
r el at i onshi p t o seek i t s own l evel . That way we can di scover our f ul l
pot ent i al f or i nt i macy wi t h each par t i cul ar per son, and per mi t each
r el at i onshi p t o f or mat what ever cl oseness or di st ance i s appr opr i at e
t o i t at any gi ven t i me.
Cat her i ne says:
Cher yl was my f i r st f emal e l over , and I her s. We connect ed al most a
decade ago, and had a f ew mont hs of t er r i f i c, hot sex. Unf or t unat el y,
we f ounder ed on some di f f i cul t r ocks: I was st i l l sor t i ng out my
f eel i ngs about sex wi t h women, and, t o make mat t er s wor se, her f eel i ngs
t owar d me became st r onger and mor e r omant i c t han mi ne t owar d her . We
br oke up i n a t or r ent of r ecr i mi nat i ons and unhappi ness. I t t ook some
t i me and ef f or t , and a gr eat deal of di f f i cul t communi cat i on, but t oday
we' r e back t o bei ng t he best of non- sexual f r i ends - al t hough we now
l i ve a coupl e of hour s apar t , we meet f or a meal or an advent ur e ever y
coupl e of mont hs, and vacat i on t oget her annual l y.
By t r eat i ng l over s as peopl e, and l et t i ng r el at i onshi ps t ake t he shapes
t hey want i nst ead of t he f or ms f or ced on t hemby t he cul t ur e ar ound
t hem, et hi cal sl ut s can f or mf r i endshi ps t hat l ast as sex waxes and
wanes.
CHAPTER 8. ENJ OYI NG SEX
Sex i s ni ce and pl easur e i s good f or you. We' ve sai d t hi s bef or e, and
i t bear s r epeat i ng. I n our pr esent l i ves, your aut hor s enj oy sex f or
i t s own sake, and i t f eel s nat ur al and comf or t abl e, but we want you t o
know t hat i t wasn' t al ways t hi s easy f or us. I n a cul t ur e t hat t eaches
t hat sex i s sl eazy, nast y, di r t y and danger ous, a pat h t o a f r ee
sexual i t y can be har d t o f i nd, and f r aught wi t h per i l s whi l e you wal k
i t . I f you choose t o wal k t hi s pat h, we congr at ul at e you, and of f er
you suppor t , encour agement and, most i mpor t ant of al l , i nf or mat i on.
St ar t wi t h t he knowl edge t hat we, and j ust about ever ybody el se who
enj oys sex wi t hout st r i ct ur es, l ear ned how t o be t hi s way despi t e t he
soci et y we gr ew up i n and t hat means you can l ear n t oo.
what i s sex anyway?
To acqui r e a basi c knowl edge of sexual f unct i oni ng, and how t he sexual
r esponse cycl e wor ks i n men and women, we r ecommend st r ongl y t hat you
r ead one or sever al of t he books i n t he Bi bl i ogr aphy. Books about sex
pr ovi de a l ot of i nf or mat i on- mor e t han we can gi ve you i n a chapt er
about how sex wor ks, and what you can do about i t when i t i sn' t wor ki ng
as wel l as you' d l i ke. Sel f - hel p exer ci ses ar e usual l y pr ovi ded f or
concer ns about er ect i ons or or gasms, t i mi ng, comi ng t oo soon or t oo
sl ow, and what t o do when you can' t f i nd your t ur n- on. You can l ear n
mor e st r at egi es f or saf er sex and bi r t h cont r ol , and mor e l anguage so
you can mor e easi l y t al k wi t h your par t ner s about al l of t hi s good
st uf f . We l i ke t o use an expanded def i ni t i on of sex, i ncl udi ng mor e
t han geni t al s, mor e t han i nt er cour se, mor e t han t he st i mul at i ons t hat
l ead t o or gasm( and we def i ni t el y woul dn' t excl ude t hemei t her ! ) . We
l i ke t o t hi nk t hat al l sensual st i mul at i on i s sexual , f r oma shar ed
emot i on t o a shar ed or gasm. One f r i end of our s, a pr of essi onal sex
wor ker , r emember s:
I ' d had a r egul ar sessi on wi t h t hi s guy once bef or e, but one day he
showed up, put $400 on t he t abl e, and sai d t hat he j ust want ed t o t al k.
So we l ay down t oget her on t he f ut on and t al ked al l eveni ng. I t was
one of t he most i nt ensel y sexual exper i ences of my l i f e; i t f el t l i ke
bei ng i n l ove. We wer e i n t hi s pr of ound hear t chakr a communi cat i on, a
space of pur e communi on t hat f el t l usci ous and sweet , as t hi ck as
honey. We wer e cl ose enough t hat we coul d f eel t he heat of each
ot her ' s bodi es, al most but not qui t e t ouchi ng- we t r i ed t ouchi ng a
coupl e of t i mes and i t di mi ni shed t he ener gy. We wer e so t ur ned on I
f el t nauseous. I t was mi nd- boggl i ng. When we expand our concept of
what sex i s, and l et t hat be what ever pl eases us t oday, we f r ee
our sel ves f r omt he t yr anny of hi s hydr aul i cs, t he chor e of get t i ng her
of f , per haps even bi r t h cont r ol and bar r i er s i f we deci de t hat out er
cour se i s per f ect l y good sex i n and of i t sel f .
Pl easur e i s good f or you. So do what pl eases you, and dont l et anybody
el se t el l you what you ought t o l i ke, and you can' t go wr ong.
St ay wi t h what f eel s good and sex becomes easy, easy f or your sel f and
i ncr edi bl y easy t o shar e wi t h anot her .
Obst acl es
What get s i n t he way of enj oyi ng sex? Sex- negat i ve cul t ur al messages
t op t he l i st . Many of us st ar t out par al yzed by shame and
embar r assment , even af t er we f i gur e out t hat we dont want t o be
embar r assed by sex. Shame, and bel i ef s we wer e t aught t hat our bodi es,
desi r es and sex ar e di r t y and wr ong, make i t ver y har d t o devel op a
heal t hy sel f - est eem. Many of us spent our adol escences consumed wi t h
gui l t f or our sexual desi r es, our f ant asi es and our mast ur bat i on, l ong
bef or e we managed t o pul l anyt hi ng of f wi t h anot her human. And when we
di d connect wi t h ot her s, many of us spent t hose encount er s obsessi ng
about our " per f or mance, " of t en so convi nced we wer e doi ng i t wr ong t hat
we f or got t o not i ce how good i t f el t .
When our desi r es and f ant asi es st r et ch f ur t her t han a monogamous
mar r i age wi t h a member of t he opposi t e sex, we suf f er f ur t her at t acks
on our sel f - accept ance- we become sex- cr azed per ver t s, t he obj ect s of
scor n f r omot her s and, al l t oo of t en, our sel ves. Accor di ng t o some,
even God hat es us. I t ' s har d t o f eel good about an expansi ve sexual i t y
when you f eel so bad about your sel f t hat you j ust want t o hi de.
body i mage
None of us l ook sexy enough. The adver t i si ng and f ashi on i ndust r i es
see f i t t o l i ne t hei r cof f er s by maki ng us al l f eel bad about our
bodi es so t hat we wi l l buy mor e cl ot hes, make- up, cosmet i c sur ger y or
what ever i n a desper at e at t empt t o f eel okay about how we l ook t o
ot her s. The per f ume i ndust r y f l oods us wi t h i mages desi gned t o
convi nce us t hat we smel l bad ( and i f we smel l wor se t han t hese hi ghl y
mer chandi sed scent s, we must smel l ver y bad i ndeed) Even t hose l ucky
soul s who ar e young and t hi n and cut e suf f er f r omconst ant wor r y about
how t hey l ook, why el se do you t hi nk t hey t hr ong t o naut i l us gyms and
aer obi c cl asses?
The mor e peopl e you want t o shar e sex wi t h, t he mor e peopl e you ar e
goi ng t o have t o expose your naked body t o, so t her e you ar e To enj oy a
f r ee sexual i t y, you need t o come t o t er ms wi t h t he body you ar e l i vi ng
i n, unl ess you want t o wai t t i l l you l ose t went y pounds, whi ch coul d
t ake f or ever , or unt i l you l ook younger - dont hol d your br eat h Do
r emember your sexi ness i s about how you f eel , not how you l ook
HOWMUCH DO YOU KNOWABOUT SEX, AND I S I T TRUE?
Anot her obst acl e on our cour se i s i naccur at e or j ust pl ai n bad
i nf or mat i on we may have l ear ned about sex For many year s, i nf or mat i on
about sexual behavi or and basi c f unct i oni ng was censor ed, al ong wi t h
most ot her di scussi ons of sexual pl easur e Dependi ng on wher e you l i ve
i n t he cul t ur e now, you may or may not have access t o good i nf or mat i on.
We need t o pol i t i ci ze t o pr ot ect our r i ght t o accur at e and posi t i ve
i nf or mat i on about sex Twent y- f i ve year s ago, you mi ght not have been
abl e t o r ead t hi s book. Onl y r ecent l y, at t empt s wer e made at t he
nat i onal l evel t o censor communi cat i on on t he I nt er net , l ucki l y r ul ed
unconst i t ut i onal by t he cour t s
Cur r ent l y, books about sex pr ol i f er at e, and t her e i s much di scussi on on
t he i nf or mat i on super hi ghway, and bewar e1 much of t he i nf or mat i on you
r ead and hear about sex wi l l be i naccur at e. Because sexol ogy i s such a
new sci ence, and because r esear ch i nt o what peopl e act ual l y do i n sex
i s di f f i cul t and of t en i nconcl usi ve, and because we as a cul t ur e have
not t al ked expl i ci t l y about sex f or a ver y l ong t i me, f ai r y t al es
abound, and r eal i t y can be har d t o come by Col l ect al l t he i nf or mat i on
you can, use what wor ks f or you, and t ake i t al l wi t h a gr ai n of sal t
Pl ease. We have l i st ed some of t he books t hat we f i nd most hel pf ul and
accur at e i n t he Bi bl i ogr aphy.
speechl essness
I f you can' t t al k about sex, how can you t hi nk about i t ? The
hi st or i cal censor shi p of di scussi on about sex has l ef t us wi t h anot her
di sabi l i t y: t he act of t al ki ng about sex, of put t i ng wor ds t o what we
do i n bed, has become di f f i cul t and embar r assi ng. Thi s cut s us of f
f r omshar i ng about our sexual exper i ence wi t h our f r i ends, somet i mes
even wi t h our l over s Thi nk of who you woul d t al k t o i f you f ound
your sel f havi ng di f f i cul t y get t i ng t o or gasmwi t h your par t ner s Woul d
i t be easy t o wal k up t o your cl ose f r i ends and ask t hemi f t hey ever
had t r oubl e wi t h t hi s? How about your par t ner s? Al t hough most of us
have had t he exper i ence of f ai l ed sexual f unct i oni ng i n one way or
anot her , most of us never get t he chance t o get suppor t f r omour
f r i ends and l over s about i t - sexual dysf unct i on becomes our secr et
shame, a posi t i on f r omwhi ch i t i s vi r t ual l y i mpossi bl e t o f i gur e out a
way t o f unct i on bet t er .
What you can' t t al k about , you can har dl y t hi nk about . Most of us
t hi nk i n wor ds, wi t hout a l anguage wi t h whi ch t o speak about sex, we
not onl y cannot communi cat e wi t h ot her s, we cannot communi cat e wi t h
our sel ves. Thi s i s a cr i ppl i ng di sabi l i t y What l i t t l e l anguage we have
t o t al k about sex wi t h i s r i ddl ed wi t h negat i ve j udgment s. Ei t her you
speak i n medi cal l anguage of vul vas and peni l e i nt r omi ssi on- whi ch
sounds l i ke you need t o be a doct or t o t al k about sex, so i t must be a
di sease- or you have gut t er l anguage, r ucki ng cunt , har d di ck, t hat
makes ever yt hi ng sound l i ke an i nsul t . When i s i t okay t o say, " I
woul d r eal l y l ove i t i f you r an your f i nger ar ound my cl i t i n a ci r cl e
i nst ead of up and down, " or " I need you t o gr ab my di ck much har der " ?
As wr i t er s, we ar e keenl y awar e of how har d i t i s t o f i nd l anguage t o
expr ess our i deas and exper i ences about sex, and we have had a l ot of
pr act i ce.
GOAL ORI ENTATI ON
One consequence of al l t he di f f i cul t i es peopl e may encount er when t hey
set out t o enj oy sex i s t hat , dr i ven by ner vousness, t hey may end up
act i ng as i f t hei r obj ect i ve was t o get t o or gasmas r api dl y as
possi bl e, as i f t hey wer e t r yi ng t o get i t over wi t h. When sex becomes
goal - or i ent ed, we may f ocus on what get s us t o or gasmt o t he excl usi on
of enj oyi ng al l of t he ni f t y sensat i ons t hat come bef or e ( and, f or t hat
mat t er , af t er ) . When we concent r at e our at t ent i on on geni t al sex t o
t he excl usi on of t he r est of our bodi es, we ar e excl udi ng most of
our sel ves f r omt he t r ansact i on. And when we i gnor e most of t he good
par t s, we not onl y mi ss out on t he good f eel i ngs, but we i ncr ease our
chance of devel opi ng sexual dysf unct i on. And we have a l ot l ess f un.
Ski l l s
So how does a per son l ear n about sex? The myt hol ogy has i t t hat once
we begi n, i t shoul d al l come nat ur al l y, and i f i t doesn' t , t hen we have
some deep- seat ed pr obl emt hat onl y Dr . Fr eud can r esol ve. For get t hi s
- we want t o enj oy sex now, and we can' t af f or d seven year s of anal ysi s.
We advocat e a si mpl er appr oach: af t er much r esear ch, we have come t o
t he st ar t l i ng di scover y t hat good i nf or mat i on and wi l l i ngness t o l ear n
ar e al l you need t o become t he hot t est l over s and have t he wi l dest and
most wonder f ul sex, and l ot s of i t .
One f r i end of our s had her f i r st or gasmat t he age of t hi r t y- f our ,
af t er r eadi ng f or t he f i r st t i me i n one of t he sex manual s whi ch became
popul ar i n t he ear l y ' 70s t hat i t was okay f or her t o mast ur bat e she' d
gr own up i n t he gener at i on t hat was t ol d t hat mast ur bat i on woul d make
you si ck or cr azy. Thi s makes us si ck t o cont empl at e- how many year s
of or gasms di d t hi s woman mi ss because of bad i nf or mat i on? Nobody i s
bor n knowi ng how t o have wonder f ul sex, and t he i nf or mat i on our bodi es
gi ve us when we' r e young of t en get s quashed by our sex- negat i ve
cul t ur e. The best t hi ng about l ear ni ng about sex i s t hat you' l l l ove
t he homewor k- so l et ' s get st udyi ng!
r ead and t al k
What ever you do now you l ear ned somewher e, somehow, so you can l ear n
new or di f f er ent sexual del i ght s i f you choose, and you can al so
over come any sexual di f f i cul t i es you may have. Lear ni ng r equi r es some
ef f or t , but t he r ewar ds ar e gr eat , and we know you wi l l be br ave and
per si st ent . We r ecommend t hat you r ead some books about sexual
f unct i oni ng our Bi bl i ogr aphy l i st s good books f or ever y l i f est yl e and
or i ent at i on. Get your par t ner s t o r ead t hemwi t h you, so you can al l
st ar t out on t he same page. Many of t hese books i ncl ude exer ci ses you
can use t o expand your sexual ski l l s and your r eper t oi r e- t r y t hem.
Tal k di r t y. Tal k t o peopl e about sex. Ask t hemabout t hei r
exper i ence, and shar e your s. Cat her i ne r emember s seei ng her f i r st
por no movi es, and f eel i ng conf ounded because t he women i n t hemal l
mast ur bat ed f ace- up, and she wasn' t sur e i f she' d been " doi ng i t wr ong"
al l t hose year s. She st ar t ed aski ng her women f r i ends, and f ound t hat
she was f ar f r omal one- not onl y i n her f ace- down pr ef er ence, but i n
her sense of uncer t ai nt y. Tal k t o your i nt i mat es, and any f r i ends or
peopl e you r espect who ar e accessi bl e t o you. Br eaki ng t he i ce can be
scar y at f i r st , but est abl i shi ng di scussi on about sex wi t h your f r i ends
and l over s wi l l be a val uabl e r esour ce f or al l of you, wel l wor t h
r i ski ng a f ew mi nut es of embar r assment as you get st ar t ed. A f r i end of
our s used t o bel i eve t hat she was t he onl y per son i n t he whol e wor l d
whose cheeks got sor e f r omsucki ng cock. Tal ki ng t o a f ew f r i ends l et
her know t hat she was i n t he maj or i t y. I f you f i nd you can' t t al k
i nt i mat el y and expl i ci t l y about sex wi t h your l over s, t hen how can you
deal wi t h a pr obl emor t r y somet hi ng new?
GOOD SEX STARTS WI TH YOURSELF
We mean t hi s qui t e l i t er al l y. When Mast er s and J ohnson began t hei r
r esear ch i nt o sexual f unct i oni ng i n t he l at e ' 50s, t hey want ed t o st ar t
by l ear ni ng about good sex bef or e r esear chi ng sexual dysf unct i on- so
t hey st ar t ed by sel ect i ng 382 men and 312 women, i ncl udi ng 276
het er osexual coupl es, al l of whomhad sat i sf act or y sex l i ves. One
sur pr i si ng f act t hey uncover ed was t hat vi r t ual l y al l t hese sexual l y
sat i sf i ed peopl e mast ur bat ed- r egar dl ess of whet her or not t hey wer e
al so havi ng par t ner ed sex. 8
Wr i t e t hi s on your mi r r or : sexual l y successf ul peopl e mast ur bat e. You
ar e not maki ng l ove wi t h your sel f because you ar e a l oser , because you
can' t f i nd anyone t o pl ay wi t h you, because you ar e desper at e t o get
your r ocks of f . You make l ove t o your sel f because you deser ve
pl easur e, and pl ayi ng wi t h your sel f makes you f eel good.
Peopl e who pl ay wi t h t hemsel ves ar e good l over s f or t wo r easons. Fi r st
i s t hat sex wi t h your sel f i s a r eal l y good t i me t o expl or e new sour ces
of st i mul at i on, l i ke t ouchi ng your sel f i n di f f er ent pl aces, or
vi br at or s, or new posi t i ons, because you wi l l never f ai l t o not i ce what
doesn' t f eel good, you wi l l al ways do i t t he way t hat f eel s best , and
t her e' s no one t o get embar r assed i n f r ont of . So mast ur bat i on of f er s
you an oppor t uni t y t o pr act i ce al l sor t s of i nt er est i ng t hi ngs: f or
i nst ance, i f one of your goal s i s t oo be abl e t o enj oy mor e sex bef or e
you come, you can pr act i ce r el axat i on exer ci ses wi t h your sel f , and
l ear n t o sl ow down and speed up your r esponse however you l i ke. And i f
your concer n i s t hat somet i mes you ar e not abl e t o come when you woul d
l i ke t o, you can pay at t ent i on t o what wor ks f or you i n sel f - sexual i t y
and t each your par t ner your i ndi vi dual pr ef er ences i n sexual
st i mul at i on. 9 Pr act i ce makes per f ect , so mast ur bat e a l ot .
St ar t by put t i ng some ener gy i nt o suppor t i ng your own sel f est eemand
devel opi ng a posi t i ve f eel i ng about your body- no, not t he body you
pl an t o have next year af t er you wor k out ever y day and l i ve on
l et t uce. What have you done r ecent l y t hat hel ps you f eel good about
t he body you ar e i nhabi t i ng t oday? I t ' s har d t o have a good
r el at i onshi p wi t h your body when al l you do i s yel l at i t . Tr y gi vi ng
your body t r eat s: a bubbl e bat h, a t r i p t o t he hot t ubs, a massage,
si l k under wear , anyt hi ng t hat f eel s good. Be ni ce t o your body, and
t hen go f i nd somebody el se' s body t o be ni ce t o, and somebody wi l l be
ni ce t o your body t oo.
Love your sel f as you woul d your l over . Mast ur bat i on i s a good way t o
nour i sh and devel op our r el at i onshi ps wi t h our sel ves. We can i mpr ove
our sel f - est eemby t he si mpl e act of pl easur i ng our bodi es. I f you
want a bet t er r el at i onshi p wi t h your body, t r y maki ng a dat e wi t h
your sel f . Put your best sheet s on t he bed, candl es and musi c i n t he
bat h, war myour t owel s, set out your sexi est ni ght i e or r obe, t r eat
your sel f t o a l ong soak, sensuous l ot i on, sel f - massage and a dynami t e
cl i max.
We have never met a per son who suf f er s f r oml ow sel f - est eemat t he
moment of or gasm.
Your r el at i onshi p wi t h your sel f i s what you br i ng t o a r el at i onshi p
wi t h anot her per son: i t i s what you have t o shar e, your of f er i ng,
per sonal l y, emot i onal l y and sexual l y. The sexi er you ar e t o your sel f ,
t he sexi er you wi l l be t o your l over s.
And i f you r eal l y want t o be t he wor l d' s gr eat est l over , and you want
your par t ner t o know exact l y what pl eases you t he most , t r y
mast ur bat i ng i n t he same r oom. Who knows, you t oo mi ght l i ke t o wat ch
- we f i nd i t a t r emendous t ur n- on. And i n wat chi ng, or showi ng, you
wi l l t each and l ear n each ot her ' s i ndi vi dual pat t er n of pl easur e, and
become t he most per f ect , and t he most per f ect l y sat i sf i ed l over s t hat
ever coul d be.
GET YOUR CONDI TI ONS MET
I t ' s har d t o f ocus on pl easur e when you' r e wor r yi ng about whet her t he
baby i s awake, t he door i s l ocked and t he shades ar e dr awn, or what ever
bot her s you. Fi gur e out what your condi t i ons ar e, what you need t o
f eel saf e and f r ee of wor r y so you can enj oy your sex compl et el y. Deal
wi t h your needs bef or ehand. Est abl i sh your agr eement s wi t h your
par t ner about saf er sex and/ or bi r t h cont r ol . I t i s not appr opr i at e t o
ar gue wi t h anyone' s l i mi t s r egar di ng pr egnancy and di sease r i sk
r educt i on: r espect t he l i mi t s of t he most conser vat i ve per son, because
sex i s a l ot mor e f un when we al l f eel saf e. Per sonal l i mi t s may be
i di osyncr at i c, and t hat ' s okay t oo. Dossi e has a mi nor obsessi on about
bei ng cl ean, and l i kes t o set up cl ean sheet s and have a shower so she
f eel s al l f r esh and spar kl y. Someone el se mi ght not car e as much- so
what ? Ther e i s no one r i ght way t o get r eady t o have sex. Gi ve
your sel f per mi ssi on t o t ake car e of your own needs; i t wi l l f r ee you.
Somet i mes you di scover t hat your condi t i ons ar en' t what you t hought
t hey wer e, and t hat t he new ones mi ght of f er some speci al f un.
Cat her i ne r emember s:
I ' d been t o a concer t t hat ni ght wi t h t wo f r i ends, who wer e l over s of
each ot her ' s and of mi ne. One of us had r ecent l y acqui r ed a t r easur e:
a ' 64 Li ncol n Cont i nent al t he si ze of a st udi o apar t ment . On t he way
back, we deci ded t o st op by t he r i ver t o admi r e t he moonl i ght and
bef or e we knew i t we wer e t hr owi ng a f ul l - scal e or gy i n t he f r ont seat
of t he Li ncol n. I ' d al ways t hought I woul dn ' t l i ke sex i n a car , but
when I f ound mysel f st r et ched out i n t he f r ont seat wi t h my head i n one
par t ner ' s l ap as I mast ur bat ed hi mover my shoul der , and my ot her
par t ner kneel i ng i n t he passenger f oot wel l wi t h her head bur i ed
bet ween my l egs, I began t o change my mi nd. The scene ended i n
hyst er i cal gi ggl es: t he one I was mast ur bat i ng began t o come, hi s body
went i nt o an or gasmi c spasm, and he hi t t he hor n- t he car emi t t ed an
enor mous bl ast of sound f r omi t s mi d- ' 60s Det r oi t hor n t hat must have
awakened ever ybody f or mi l es ar ound, and made us al l pr act i cal l y f al l
out of our seat !
communi cat e
Most of us have been st r uck dumb by t he scar i est communi cat i on t ask of
al l - aski ng f or what we want . I s t her e any one of us who has never
f ai l ed t o t el l our par t ner when we want our cl i t or cock st i mul at ed
har der or sof t er , sl ower or f ast er , mor e on t he shaf t or mor e on t he
t i p, on t he si de, on bot h si des, up and down or r ound about , or
what ever i t i s t hat woul d wor k f or us? Take i t f r omus, t he way t o get
what you want i n sex i s t o ask f or i t . And t he way t o get a good
r eput at i on as an excel l ent l over i s t o ask each par t ner what he or she
l i kes, and l et t hemshow you how t o do i t exact l y r i ght : Cat her i ne
makes a poi nt of havi ng her l over s mast ur bat e f or her ear l y on i n t he
r el at i onshi p, so she can wat ch how t hey do i t and make ment al not es
about what ki nds of st i mul at i on t hey l i ke t o f eel . Once you get past
t he i ni t i al embar r assment , t hi s i s act ual l y easy, and wi l l make you a
ver y popul ar l over i ndeed.
I f you f i nd t hi s i mpossi bl y di f f i cul t , we have an i dea t hat wi l l hel p.
Tr y t hi s exer ci se wi t h your sel f or wi t h a l over t hat you ar e ver y
f ami l i ar wi t h, and as you get comf or t abl e, r epeat i t wi t h each new
l over .
Fi r st , make a l i st of al l t he sexual act i vi t i es you can t hi nk of t hat
anyone, not j ust you, mi ght l i ke t o do. You wi l l i mmedi at el y di scover
t hat t hi s i s al so an exer ci se i n devel opi ng l anguage, so pay at t ent i on
as you name t hese t hi ngs. Ar e you mor e comf or t abl e wi t h i nt er cour se or
f ucki ng, or al sex, goi ng down, cocksucki ng or eat i ng out ? What do you
cal l your own sex or gans peni s, di ck, cock, pr i ck. . . pussy, cunt ,
vagi na, cl i t or i s? I f you get st uck, put a l i t t l e ef f or t i nt o f i ndi ng
any name t hat descr i bes t he act i vi t y, t ake a deep br eat h and r epeat
t hose wor ds f i ve t i mes, and br eat he agai n. Make your l i st as compl et e
as possi bl e, and i ncl ude act i vi t i es t hat you dont l i ke as wel l as t hose
you do. You can make t hi s l i st by your sel f , wi t h a par t ner or a
f r i end, or wi t h a gr oup of peopl e who may or may not be your l over s.
When you make t he l i st of al l possi bl e sex act s wi t h a gr oup of peopl e,
you get good pr act i ce i n t al ki ng about sex expl i ci t l y, gr aphi cal l y and
on pur pose.
Then each per son t akes a separ at e sheet of paper and makes t hr ee
col umns: YES, NO and MAYBE. YES means I l i ke t hi s, NO means I dont
want t o do t hi s, and MAYBE means maybe i f I f el t saf e enough, or was
t ur ned on enough, or my par t ner wer e ver y exper i enced, or what ever .
Make your per sonal l i st pr i vat el y, and shar e wi t h your par t ner or
par t ner s af t er . When you ar e negot i at i ng an eveni ng' s ent er t ai nment ,
ever yt hi ng on t he NO l i st s i s of f l i mi t s, ever yt hi ng on bot h par t ner ' s
YES l i st i s t he wonder f ul f un you ar e r eady t o shar e. And i f al l goes
wel l , you may get t o t r y out an i t emor t wo f r omt he MAYBE l i st . We
st r ongl y encour age you t o t r y t hi s exer ci se you wi l l be amazed at how
much you wi l l l ear n, and how easy communi cat i on can be once you get
st ar t ed.
We have al so i ncl uded on Page 102 an i nvent or y of sexual act i vi t i es.
Tr y f i l l i ng i t out and see what you l ear n about your sel f . You can make
copi es t o shar e wi t h your f r i ends as an i ce- br eaker f or a di scussi on
gr oup or f or negot i at i ng a sexual encount er . We made t he boxes as bi g
as possi bl e so you can make comment s about how you f eel , whi ch t ends t o
be mor e i nf or mat i ve t han a si mpl e yes or no.
These ar e i deas about how you can st ar t communi cat i ng expl i ci t l y about
sex, and negot i at e con sensual i t y Remember , we def i ne consent as an
act i ve col l abor at i on f or t he pl easur e, benef i t and wel l - bei ng of al l
per sons concer ned. Thi s means t hat ever ybody i nvol ved must agr ee t o
what ever act i vi t y i s pr oposed, and must al so f eel saf e enough t hat t hey
coul d decl i ne i f t hey wi shed. We bel i eve t hat i f you ar e not f r ee t o
say " no, " you can' t r eal l y say " yes. " We al so t hi nk i t i s essent i al
t hat ever yone i nvol ved under st ands t he consequences of bot h r esponses,
whi ch i s anot her way of sayi ng t hat i t ' s not accept abl e t o t ake
advant age of someone' s nai vet e.
t ABLE REMOVED
I NVENTORY
Ouch! ??? Eeek! HOT! ! ! Scar y Hmmm. . . We cannot say t hi s of t en
enough: You have a r i ght t o your l i mi t s and i t i s t ot al l y okay t o say
no t o any f or mof sex you dont l i ke or ar e not comf or t abl e wi t h. Havi ng
a l i mi t does not mean t hat you ar e i nhi bi t ed, upt i ght , no f un, or a
per manent vi ct i mof Amer i can pur i t ani sm. I t j ust means you dont l i ke
somet hi ng, and i f you want t o l ear n t o l i ke i t , we t hi nk t her e ar e
bet t er ways t o do t hat t han t o succumb t o gui l t - t r i ppi ng, shami ng or
out r i ght bul l yi ng. Say no t o what you dont want , and when you deci de
t o t r y somet hi ng new, ar r ange f or l ot s of suppor t f r omyour par t ner ,
get your condi t i ons met , and be ki nd t o your sel f . Posi t i ve
r ei nf or cement i s r eal l y t he best way t o l ear n.
I n many ar eas, wor kshops and gr oups about sex ar e avai l abl e, put on by
dedi cat ed sex educat or s and counsel or s, somet i mes at bi r t h cont r ol
cl i ni cs or or gani zat i ons suppor t i ng sexual heal t h. Al l of t hese
wor kshops ar e desi gned t o be saf e, t o r espect ever yone' s boundar i es and
gi ve you an oppor t uni t y t o l ear n new i nf or mat i on, i ncr ease your comf or t
l evel and speak f or your sel f about your own f eel i ngs and exper i ence.
What we ar e advocat i ng her e i s communi cat i on by, wi t h and f or
ever ybody.
f i nd your t ur n- on
Have you ever set out t o make l ove and di scover ed t hat you coul dn' t
f i nd your t ur n- on? Ther e you ar e, hunt i ng f or t hat el usi ve st at e of
exci t ement , and wonder i ng what ' s wr ong wi t h you when your l over does
t he t hi ngs you usual l y l ove and your r esponse i s j ust pl ai n not hi ng, or
wor se yet , i r r i t at i on or t i ckl i shness. Women wonder why t hey ar en' t
get t i ng wet , men agoni ze over absent er ect i ons, ever ybody ei t her f akes
i t or get s embar r assed. I t happens t o ever ybody. Real l y. I t ' s not
j ust you.
For some peopl e, l osi ng t hei r t ur n- on happens when t hey ar e ner vous,
maybe wi t h a new par t ner or i n a new si t uat i on. For ot her s,
f ami l i ar i t y r educes ar ousal , and t hey have a har d t i me gr aspi ng t hei r
desi r e i n t he r el at i onshi ps wi t h t he peopl e t hey know t he best and l ove
t he most .
Lust f or one per son i s sel domsat i si f ed by sex wi t h anot her , but
exper i enced sl ut s know t hat t ur n- on i s t r ansf er abl e. The exci t ement
you f eel about t he sex you' r e pl anni ng wi t h Bi l l next weekend can
easi l y set a f i r e under your sessi on wi t h J ane t oni ght , because ar ousal
i s a physi cal exper i ence t hat can be used f or anyt hi ng you want . The
l ust i n t he mi nd per si st s, and wi l l st i l l be t her e f or you when you get
ar ound t o Bi l l - we pr omi se.
Get t i ng t ur ned on r equi r es a physi cal and ment al t r ansi t i on i nt o a
di f f er ent st at e of consci ousness. Ever y ni ght , when you go t o sl eep,
you make such a t r ansi t i on: you t ur n t he l i ght s down, get i nt o l oose
cl ot hi ng, l i e down, per haps r ead qui et l y or wat ch a l i t t l e TV,
del i ber at el y changi ng your st at e of consci ousness f r omwi de awake t o
sl eepy. Some peopl e do t hi s aut omat i cal l y, whi l e ot her s have t o wor k
at f i gur i ng out what hel ps t hemget t o sl eep.
Si mi l ar l y, we al l need t o know how we get t ur ned on, what wor ks f or us
when ar ousal doesn' t j ust come of i t s own accor d. Our myt hol ogy t el l s
us t hat we ar e not supposed t o have t o do t hi s on pur pose, t hat we ar e
supposed t o be swept away wi t h desi r e, or el se somet hi ng i s wr ong: we
dont r eal l y want t o make l ove t o t hi s per son, we' ve made a t er r i bl e
mi st ake and now what ar e we goi ng t o do wi t h t he ki ds? Men ar e t ol d
t hat t hey ar e supposed t o be so t ur ned on by t he mer e avai l abi l i t y of a
par t ner t hat t hei r er ect i on shoul d st and up and sal ut e wi t hout any
act ual sensor y st i mul at i on. Women ar e t aught t hat t hey ought t o be
t ur ned on i n r esponse t o any st i mul us f r oma par t ner t hey car e about ,
and i f t hey ar en' t , t hey ar e f r i gi d or per haps f eel i ng host i l e. These
ar e onl y some of t he ver y dest r uct i ve l essons you may have l ear ned.
So t he f i r st t hi ng you need t o do when desi r e doesn' t come up l i ke
t hunder i s t o r emember t hat l ot s of ser i ous sl ut s have deal t wi t h t hi s
pr obl emsuccessf ul l y, and so can you. So l et ' s l ook at how we coul d go
about get t i ng t ur ned on on pur pose.
Some peopl e j ust char ge on, st ar t sexual st i mul at i on and keep on wi t h
i t unt i l t hei r t ur n- on cat ches up wi t h t hem, and t hi s wor ks f or many
peopl e much of t he t i me. Dossi e once had a par t ner who l i ked t o l eap
i nt o col d mount ai n l akes when t hey wer e campi ng, i nsi st i ng t hat you' d
get war mevent ual l y i f you j ust t hr ash ar ound.
Ot her peopl e l i ke t o get i n one st ep at a t i me, war mi ng up gr adual l y
and sensual l y, al l owi ng t i me t o appr eci at e t he changes i n sensi t i vi t y
t hat occur as t hey move sl owl y i nt o t hei r sexual r esponse cycl e. For
many peopl e, si mpl y sl owi ng down gi ves t hemt he chance t o get i n synch
wi t h t hei r t ur n- on, and once you f i nd your t ur n on i t makes i t easi er
t o speed up.
Many peopl e exper i ence hyper sensi t i vi t y, whi ch means f eel i ng t i ckl i sh
or j umpy or i r r i t at ed, when t hey at t empt t o t ake i n sensat i ons t hat ar e
t oo f ocused or t oo i nt ense i n t he ear l y par t of t hei r j our ney t o
ar ousal . Such t i ckl i shness usual l y di sappear s once t he per son i s
t hor oughl y exci t ed, and may r eappear r i ght af t er or gasm. The onl y way
t o deal wi t h hyper sensi t i vi t y i s t o r emember t hat al most nobody can get
t ur ned on whi l e t hey ar e bei ng t i ckl ed or i r r i t at ed, so t ake your t i me.
( Dossi e' s par t ner who l oved t o l eap i nt o col d l akes al so r eal l y l oved
t o be t i ckl ed, but Dossi e hat es i t , so Dossi e di dn' t get t i ckl ed and
her gi r l f r i end di d. Di ver si t y r ul es. ) Feel f r ee t o t el l your l over
about hyper sensi t i vi t y, and what sensat i ons you enj oy ear l y on, and how
t hat may be di f f er ent l at er . Most hyper sensi t i vi t y can be cur ed wi t h a
f i r mt ouch and a gr adual appr oach. St ar t wi t h car essi ng backs and
shoul der s and l ess sensi t i ve par t s of t he body, maki ng sur e of ser i ous
ar ousal bef or e t ouchi ng t he mor e exqui si t el y sensi t i ve ar eas.
Tal k wi t h your l over about what t ur ns you on- a f ant asy? A st or y?
Havi ng your f i nger s or t oes gent l y bi t t en and sucked? Ask your l over
what t ur ns hi mon- chewi ng on a neck? Br ushi ng hi s hai r ? You coul d
pr epar e f or t hi s t al k by wr i t i ng down a l i st of al l t he t hi ngs t hat you
know exci t e you, each of you on your own, and t hen shar i ng your l i st s.
Tal ki ng can be a l i t t l e r i sky, and r i sk can be exci t i ng i n and of f
i t sel f .
Get i nt o your body: sensual del i ght s l i ke hot t ubs, bubbl e bat hs, naked
ski n by t he war mf i r e, massage. These ar e t he sl ower del i ght s t hat
gi ve us t i me t o f ocus our at t ent i on on physi cal pl easur e, and al l ow our
busy br ai ns t o sl ow down or dr i f t of f i nt o f ant asy. Thi s ki nd of
pl easur e shoul d not be demandi ng, t hi s i s not t he t i me t o wor r y about
heavy br eat hi ng or undul at i ng hi ps. Thi s i s t he t i me f or
ent r ancement .
Fant asy i s a bi g t ur n- on f or many peopl e, and yes, i t i s per f ect l y
nor mal t o f ant asi ze when your par t ner i s doi ng sexy t hi ngs t o you. Many
peopl e al so l i ke t o f ant asi ze on t hei r own bef or e t hei r er ot i c
encount er s, bui l di ng up a ni ce head of st eambef or e any t ouchi ng
act ual l y t akes pl ace. Per haps you woul d bot h enj oy wat chi ng an er ot i c
vi deo, or r eadi ng each ot her gr own- up bedt i me st or i es. Maybe i t woul d
be hot t o t el l each ot her your f avor i t e f ant asi es.
Exci t ement begi ns wi t h a sl ow sensual war mt h, and when t he war m- up has
begun, t he door i s open f or mor e i nt ense exci t ement ,
expl or i ng t he sensi t i vi t i es of ear s, necks, wr i st s and t oes, or t ongues
i n mout hs. Br eat hi ng becomes deeper , and hi ps st ar t t o move of t hei r
own accor d.
So does t hi s exci t ement mean i t ' s t i me t o l eap on t hat expr ess t r ai n t o
or gasmi c r el ease? J ust because your body i s physi cal l y r eady t o enj oy
sex doesn' t mean you need t o r ush t o f ul f i l l ment ! Why dont you t ake a
l i t t l e mor e t i me? Thi s f eel s good, r i ght ? So what about f eel i ng good
a l i t t l e mor e, get t i ng a l i t t l e mor e t ur ned on: r emember when you wer e
i n hi gh school and you coul d neck f or hour s?
sl ow down
And dont we al l want a l over wi t h a sl ow hand? The most common mi st ake
peopl e make when t hey get ner vous about sex i s t o r ush t hi ngs. Tensi on
does t end t o speed us up, and i t i s al so t r ue t hat bot h men and women
devel op a l ot of muscl e t ensi on as t hey appr oach or gasm, whi ch adds t o
t he f ur or . Now when we ar e t r ul y r eady, t her e i s not hi ng we l i ke mor e
t han t o gr unt and gasp and heave and shout and make f i st s wi t h our t oes
on t he speedi ng expr ess t r ai n t o or gasm. But t her e i s mor e t o sex t han
or gasm, so l et ' s not l eave out sensual i t y, seduct i on, t he oh- so gr adual
t ur n- on, t he bui l di ng of suspense, t he expl or at i on of ever y par t of t he
body t hat can ar ouse t he senses- we want t o do i t al l . And t o expl or e
t he ent i r e r ange of sensual and sexual i nt i macy, we need t o l ear n
t echni ques f or sl owi ng down.
The f i r st t echni que f or sl owi ng down i s ver y si mpl e. Take a deep
br eat h and hol d i t . Put your hand on your abdomen and f eel t he
har dness of your muscl es. Then br eat he out , sl owl y, and you wi l l f eel
t he muscl es i n your t or so r el ax. When we ar e t ense, we t end t o br eat he
i n gasps, gul pi ng ai r i n and exhal i ng ver y l i t t l e, and t hat ' s how we
mai nt ai n t ensi on i n our muscl es and i n our mi nds. When we br eat he out ,
we r el ax. So anyt i me you ar e t ense, i n any si t uat i on, you can r el ax a
l i t t l e by t aki ng t hr ee l ong, sl ow, deep br eat hs, maki ng sur e t o br eat he
out as t hor oughl y as you br eat he i n.
You can r educe your ner vousness about t al ki ng about sex, and you can
sl ow your sel f down dur i ng sex, j ust by br eat hi ng. When you sl ow your
br eat hi ng whi l e you ar e t ur ned on, l et your awar eness go down i nt o your
body. Scan your whol e body wi t h your mi nd, st ar t i ng f r omyour t oes,
and l et your sel f not i ce how each par t of you f eel s. Chances ar e you
wi l l di scover a l ot of good f eel i ngs you hadn' t even f el t bef or e. Sex
t her api st s cal l t hi s sensat e f ocus, and advocat e i t i n par t i cul ar f or
t hose who want t o sl ow down t hei r r esponse and enj oy mor e sex bef or e
t hey come. You can sl ow down your physi cal sexual r esponse by
br eat hi ng, r el axi ng and f ocusi ng your at t ent i on t o r educe your physi cal
t ensi on, because, you see, not onl y do we al l t ense our muscl es bef or e
we come, but most of us cannot come when our muscl es ar e r el axed. So
or gasmi c cont r ol i s not achi eved by gr unt i ng and bear i ng down, but
r at her by r el axi ng and enj oyi ng your sel f .
Sl owi ng down i s al so usef ul when you ar e t r yi ng out new act i vi t i es, or
ner vous f or any r eason. Our f r i end Mandy r el at es one of her ear l y
l ear ni ng exper i ences wi t h condoms:
Rob and I had been occasi onal l over s f or many year s, and we wer e
get t i ng t oget her f or t he f i r st t i me af t er a l ong hi at us. We had ver y
l i t t l e exper i ence of saf er sex at t he t i me, but deci ded, due t o our
var i ous exper i ences, t hat i f we want ed t o f uck we shoul d use a condom.
Thi s was al l f i ne i n t heor y, but when t he t i me came t o put i t on af t er
a sui t abl e and exci t i ng r ound or t wo of out er cour se Rob pi cked up t hat
di f f i cul t l i t t l e pi ece of r ubber and pr ompt l y l ost hi s er ect i on. I ' m
sur e t hi s has never happened t o any of you.
We f ool ed ar ound f or a l i t t l e whi l e, and t r i ed agai n, wi t h t he same
r esponse- Rob' s mi nd and hi s cock wer e not i n agr eement , and hi s cock
was not cooper at i ng. I dr agged mysel f up i nt o a mor e act i ve
consci ousness and deci ded t o put what I had l ear ned i n adul t sex
educat i on t o use.
I got hi mt o l i e back and agr ee t o be done t o, and I set up t he
envi r onment : candl es f or l i ght car ef ul l y pl aced wher e we woul dn' t knock
t hemover , l ubr i cant and t owel s handy, and t wo or t hr ee r ubber s i n case
we br oke one, pl us sl ow sensual musi c on a l ong t ape. I got mysel f i n
a comf or t abl e posi t i on bet ween hi s l egs- comf or t abl e because I want ed
t o t ake al l t he t i me i n t he wor l d, and I di d not want t o be i nt er r upt ed
by an achi ng back or a cr amped shoul der .
I st ar t ed by st r oki ng hi s body- t hi ghs, t ummy, l egs - ver y gent l y, i n a
soot hi ng way, f or a l ong t i me, t i l l he f i r st r el axed, and t hen
r esponded wi t h an er ect i on. I wai t ed a l i t t l e l onger so he coul d enj oy
t hat er ect i on wi t hout any r esponsi bi l i t y f or t aki ng t hi ngs f ur t her : i n
sex t her apy, t hi s i s cal l ed non- demand pl easur i ng. Then I moved t he
st r oki ng t o hi s geni t al s ar ound, but not on hi s peni s. Hi s er ect i on
went down agai n, so I moved f ur t her back and cont i nued sensual st r oki ng
on hi s ski n unt i l he got har d agai n, and cont i nued agai n a l i t t l e
l onger , and t hen moved t o t ouchi ng cl oser t o hi s cock. Thi s t i me hi s
er ect i on f el l onl y a l i t t l e, and got har d agai n af t er onl y a f ew
seconds. By now he was br eat hi ng har d, and so was I . For me, t he
exper i ence was ver y sensual and ki nd of t r ancel i ke, war mand
pl easur abl e: a maj or t ur n- on t oo.
I spent a ver y l ong t i me st r oki ng ar ound, but not on, hi s cock, unt i l
he was ver y har d i ndeed. He r eached f or me, but I sl apped hi s hand- no
di st r act i ons, pl ease. I amdoi ng t hi s t o you, get i t ? When t he
suspense was vi r t ual l y unbear abl e, I r an my hand l i ght l y over hi s di ck
- he shudder ed. St r oki ng hi s cock and pul l i ng gent l y on hi s bal l s
ar oused hi meven mor e, and he was begi nni ng t o moan and sweat . I
pi cked up t he condom, checki ng t o make sur e I was unr ol l i ng i t i n t he
r i ght di r ect i on, and he l ost hi s er ect i on al most i nst ant l y. I went
back t o st r oki ng ar ound, not on, hi s cock, and he spr ang up agai n,
get t i ng i mpat i ent but I made hi mwai t , pl ayed wi t h hi s di ck f or a l ong
t i me but gent l y enough t hat I knew he coul dn' t come.
The next t i me I appr oached wi t h t he r ubber , he onl y wi l t ed a t i ny bi t ,
so I r ubbed a bi t mor e, and we went r ound a f ew t i mes unt i l he was so
t ur ned on he coul dn' t t hi nk any mor e and hi s cock st ood up ni ce and
st r ai ght whi l e I r ol l ed t he r ubber over i t . I cont i nued pl ayi ng wi t h
hi mwhi l e he got used t o t he new sensat i on.
By t hi s t i me I was ser i ousl y t ur ned on and mor e t han a l i t t l e
i mpat i ent , so when I gave t he wor d, he at t acked and di d t he r agi ng bul l
t hi ng, and we bot h f i nal l y got t o f uck f ast and har d: wel l wor t h t he
wai t i ng, I say. You shoul d have seen t he expl osi on, I ' msur e t hey
hear d us i n t he next t own.
To sumup, and maybe cat ch our br eat h a l i t t l e our sel ves, a basi c ski l l
f or good sex i s knowi ng how t o r el ax, and sl ow down, and t hen knowi ng
how t o t ense and speed up. And once you know how, you can go r ound and
r ound as many t i mes as you can bear t o hol d of f , enj oyi ng ever y mi nut e
and bui l di ng up exci t ement f or t he gr and f i nal e. Rel axi ng your
br eat hi ng, and r el axi ng your body, can hel p you get cent er ed, gr ounded
i n your body and i n t he pl easur e you ar e f eel i ng, and gi ve you mor e
choi ces about your sex. You can l ear n mor e about r el axat i on and
sl owi ng down by t aki ng a cl ass i n any f or mof yoga, pr act i ci ng sensual
massage, t r yi ng t ant r i c t echni ques, or j ust sl owi ng down l ong enough t o
di scover what f un i t i s t o f ocus on what you' r e f eel i ng when you' r e
f eel i ng good.
PART I I BETWEEN ONE ANOTHER
CHAPTER 1. BOUNDARI ES
Many peopl e bel i eve t hat t o be a sl ut i s t o be i ndi scr i mi nat e, t o not
car e about who you make l ove wi t h, and t hus t o not car e about your sel f .
They bel i eve t hat we l i ve i n excessi vel y wi de open spaces, wi t h no
di scr i mi nat i on, no f ences, no boundar i es. Not hi ng coul d be f ur t her
f r omt he t r ut h. To be an et hi cal sl ut you need t o have ver y good
boundar i es t hat ar e cl ear , st r ong, f l exi bl e, and, above al l ,
consci ous.
One ver y successf ul sl ut we i nt er vi ewed i s out r aged by accusat i ons of
i ndi scr i macy, and poi nt s out t hat sl ut s get a gr eat deal of oppor t uni t y
t o devel op exqui si t el y sophi st i cat ed di scr i mi nat i on: " We act ual l y have
mor e boundar i es t han most f ol ks because we have mor e poi nt s of
cont act , " mor e exper i ence r el at i ng i n ver y di f f er ent ways t o ver y
di ver se peopl e.
What Ar e Boundar i es?
I t i s basi c t o any r el at i onshi p, and par t i cul ar l y i mpor t ant i n open
r el at i onshi ps, t hat no one can own anot her per son. Owner shi p i s not
what r el at i onshi ps ar e about . We each own our sel ves, l ock, st ock and
bar r el . We each have t he r esponsi bi l i t y of l i vi ng our own l i ves,
det er mi ni ng our i ndi vi dual needs and ar r angi ng t o get t hose needs met .
We cannot l i ve t hr ough a par t ner , nor can we assume t hat j ust because
we have a l over , al l of our needs shoul d aut omat i cal l y be sat i sf i ed.
Many of us have been t aught t hat i f our l over does not meet ever y need,
t hi s must not be t r ue l ove, our l over must be somehow i nadequat e, or we
must be at f aul t - t oo needy or undeser vi ng or some ot her j udgment l i ke
t hat .
I f you wer e br ought up t o bel i eve t hat your r el at i onshi p woul d pr ovi de
your ot her , or ( shudder ) bet t er hal f , or t hat your dest i ny i s t o
submer ge your i dent i t y i n a r el at i onshi p, you wi l l pr obabl y have t o put
some at t ent i on i nt o l ear ni ng about your own boundar i es. Boundar i es ar e
i nvar i abl y i n t he pl ur al because none of t hemhol d st i l l f or l ong and
al l of t hemar e i ndi vi dual . They ar e how we under st and wher e you begi n
and I end, wher e and how we ar e separ at e as i ndi vi dual s. You need t o
f i gur e out wher e your l i mi t s ar e, what const i t ut es comf or t abl e di st ance
or cl oseness bet ween your sel f and ot her s i n var i ous si t uat i ons, and
par t i cul ar l y t he ways i n whi ch you and your l over s ar e di f f er ent and
i ndi vi dual and uni que.
I f you r ead t he l i t er at ur e about co dependency or at t end suppor t gr oups
wi t h Codependent s Anonymous, you can l ear n mor e about how t o own your
own l i f e, how t o get i nt o t hat posi t i on of owner shi p, and t he ways i n
whi ch we al l of t en f ai l t o do so- most l y by under st andi ng t he
compl exi t i es of boundar i es.
Owni ng Your Choi ces
I t i s axi omat i c i n communi cat i on bet ween i nt i mat es t hat each per son
owns t hei r own emot i ons, and t hat each per son i s r esponsi bl e f or
deal i ng wi t h t hose emot i ons. Thi s means t hat nobody " makes" you f eel
anyt hi ng. I f someone yel l s at you, f or i nst ance, you have emot i onal
choi ces: you mi ght f eel af r ai d, or angr y, or i cy cal m. You al so have
behavi or al choi ces: you mi ght deci de t o yel l back, or l eave, or get
cl oser and r esol ve t hi s pr obl emr i ght now because you can' t st and i t .
And al l of t hese, and t he many ot her r esponses t oo numer ous t o ment i on
her e, bel ong t o you.
Nobody makes anybody f eel anyt hi ng. Under st andi ng t hi s i s t he f i r st
st ep t o cl ai mi ng somet hi ng ver y pr eci ous- your own emot i ons. And when
you gr asp your emot i ons, you have somet hi ng unbel i evabl y val uabl e t o
br i ng t o your r el at i onshi ps.
When you f i nd your sel f r espondi ng t o someone el se' s behavi or , i t i s
easy t o dwel l on what t hey have done and how t er r i bl e i t i s and what
exact l y t hey shoul d do t o f i x i t . I nst ead, t r y l ooki ng at your own
f eel i ngs as a t r ue message about your i nt er nal st at e of bei ng, and
deci de how you want t o deal wi t h what ever ' s goi ng on. Do you want t o
f i nd out mor e? Do you want t o di scuss a l i mi t ? Do you want a l i t t l e
t i me t o your sel f t o cal mdown and get cent er ed? Do you want t o be
hear d about somet hi ng? When you t ake r esponsi bi l i t y, you get t hese
choi ces, and mor e.
What you ar e not r esponsi bl e f or i s your l over ' s emot i ons. You can
choose t o be suppor t i ve we' r e gr eat bel i ever s i n t he heal i ng power of
l i st eni ng- but i t i s not your j ob t o f i x anyt hi ng.
Once you under st and t hat your l over ' s emot i ons ar e not your j ob or your
f aul t , you can l i st en t o hi mand r eal l y hear what he has t o say,
wi t hout f al l i ng vi ct i mt o an over whel mi ng need t o f i gur e out whose
f aul t i t i s or t o make t he emot i on change or go away.
Some peopl e t end t o r espond t o a l over ' s pai n and conf usi on wi t h an
i nt ense desi r e t o f i x somet hi ng. " Fi x- i t " messages can f eel l i ke
i nval i dat i on t o t he per son who i s t r yi ng t o expr ess an emot i on. " Why
dont you j ust do t hi s. . . t r y t hat . . . f or get about i t . . . r el ax! " sends
t he message t hat t he per son expr essi ng t he emot i on has over l ooked some
obvi ous and si mpl e sol ut i on and i s an i di ot f or f eel i ng bad i n t he
f i r st pl ace. Such messages di sempower and i nval i dat e hi m.
I t i s up t o each of us t o f i x how we f eel , t o r each out f or t he suppor t
and connect i on we want , and t o set our own l i mi t s about what we dont
want i n our l i ves r i ght now. I n t hi s way, we al l get t o sol ve pr obl ems
i n our r el at i onshi ps, l ear n about our sel ves and get al ong much bet t er
wi t h al l of our par t ner s.
r el at i onshi p boundar i es
Rel at i onshi ps al so have boundar i es. The agr eement s t hat f r ee- l ovi ng
coupl es and f ami l i es make wi t h r espect f or each ot her ' s f eel i ngs
const i t ut e t he boundar i es of t hei r r el at i onshi p. I n an open sexual
communi t y, i t i s i mpor t ant t o deal wi t h each r el at i onshi p wi t hi n i t s
own boundar i es. That means, f or exampl e, t hat you f i gur e out your
l i mi t s wi t h your par t ner bef or e you go t o t he sex par t y, t hat you dont
use your mi st r ess t o di ss your wi f e, t hat deci si ons ar e made wi t h i nput
f r omever ybody af f ect ed by t hem- whi ch means not behi nd anybody' s back
- and so on.
Communi t i es based on sex and i nt i macy wor k best when ever ybody has
r espect f or ever ybody' s r el at i onshi ps, whi ch i ncl udes not onl y l over s,
but chi l dr en and f ami l i es of or i gi n and nei ghbor s and exes and so on.
Such communi t i es can evol ve i nt o hi ghl y connect ed f ami l y syst ems when
ever yone i s consci ous of and car i ng about boundar i es.
Pr obl ems Wi t h Boundar i es
Lear n f r omyour mi st akes. Boundar i es can get t r i cky at t i mes, so we
hope you gi ve your sel ves l ot s of sl ack t o expl or e and have your t r i al s
and make your er r or s, and l ear n f r omt hem. Remember , you can' t l ear n
f r omyour er r or s i f you al ways got t a be r i ght !
dumpi ng
One pl ace wher e peopl e of t en get conf used i s di f f er ent i at i ng bet ween
t he honest shar i ng of f eel i ngs and dumpi ng. Dumpi ng means usi ng
anot her per son as your gar bage pi t , spewi ng your pr obl emat i c st uf f al l
over her and l eavi ng i t t her e. Aski ng someone t o l i st en t o your
f eel i ngs i s di f f er ent f r omdr oppi ng t hemi n hi s l ap and l eavi ng t hem
t her e. Dumpi ng usual l y car r i es t he expect at i on t hat t he dumpee wi l l do
somet hi ng about t he pr obl em, even i f i t ' s si mpl y t o t ake on t he bur den
of wor r yi ng so t hat t he dumper can st op. Usual l y you can avoi d dumpi ng
by maki ng i t t ot al l y cl ear t hat your need t o shar e your emot i onal st at e
car r i es no obl i gat i on f or your l i st ener : " I dont l i ke your havi ng a
dat e wi t h Paul a t oni ght , " f ol l owed by a heavy and pr egnant si l ence,
car r i es an ent i r el y di f f er ent wei ght t han " I ' mf eel i ng a l i t t l e
i nsecur e about your dat e wi t h Paul a t oni ght , but I want you t o go ahead
and have i t . Ar e you okay wi t h l i st eni ng t o some of my f ear s? Can we
t al k a bi t about ways t hat I mi ght be abl e t o f eel saf er ?"
pr oj ect i on
Anot her t r i ck t o wat ch out f or no, not t he ki nd you f i nd at t he di sco
on Sat ur day ni ght ! i s pr oj ect i on. Pr oj ect i on i s when we use anot her
per son as a scr een t o r un our movi e on. We see our f ant asy, and mi ss
t he r eal per son. We i magi ne we know hi s t hought s, when i n f act we ar e
t hi nki ng about our f ear s. We pr edi ct t hat she wi l l r espond t he same
way our par ent s di d " I know you' l l r ej ect me i f I dont make a l ot of
money, " " You' l l never r espect me i f I show you my sadness. " Or we
mi ght be pr oj ect i ng our expect at i ons, pr oj ect i ons t hat our l over s- who
ar e not mi nd- r eader s- can never l i ve up t o: " You' r e supposed t o t ake
car e of me! " " Whaddaya mean, you' r e not hor ny? I ' mhor ny! "
When you make a commi t ment t o own your own st uf f , you can st op
pr oj ect i ng and see t he peopl e you l ove cl ear l y i n al l t hei r gl or y.
When al l of you wor k t oget her t o own your st uf f , each of you, t hen you
wi l l never agai n f eel l i ke a puppet i n somebody el se' s show.
r ol e boundar i es
Thi s boundar y may seemunf ami l i ar because we dont have t hat much
exper i ence wi t h l i vi ng i n mul t i pl e r el at i onshi ps. You may f i nd
your sel f pl ayi ng out di f f er ent r ol es, i ndeed f eel i ng l i ke a somewhat
di f f er ent per son, wi t h di f f er ent par t ner s. Wi t h one par t ner you mi ght
f eel young and vul ner abl e and pr ot ect ed; wi t h anot her , you ar e Ear t h
mot her . Wi t h one l over you mi ght f eel car ef ul and sol i d and saf e, wi t h
anot her you mi ght be dashi ng and r eckl ess.
Cat her i ne got a wonder f ul f eel i ng of accept ance f or al l her par t s f r om
a r ecent moment :
I enj oy games i n whi ch I r ol e- pl ay t he por t of a " l i t t l e gi r l " but my
r egul ar par t ner i sn' t comf or t abl e wi t h t hem. Af t er a bi t of sear chi ng,
t hough, I f ound wi t hi n my ci r cl e of acquai nt ances a man who enj oys
bei ng a " Daddy" as much as I enj oy havi ng one. My par t ner was
del i ght ed I ' d f ound a saf e pl ace t o pl ay t hat r ol e, and we bot h f el t
I ' d made a good choi ce i n sel ect i ng someone t o whomI coul d ent r ust
such vul ner abl e par t s of me. " Daddy" and I get t oget her once or t wi ce
a mont h f or f i nger - pai nt i ng, wat chi ng Di sney movi es, eat i ng peanut
but t er sandwi ches, and ot her sl i ght l y mor e adul t pl easur es.
Recent l y I at t ended a par t y wher e bot h my l i f e par t ner and my " daddy"
wer e i n at t endance. Fr omacr oss t he r oom, I saw t he t wo of t hem
chat t i ng, and I headed over t o say hi . As I dr ew cl oser , my par t ner
hel d hi s ar mout i nvi t i ngl y and cal l ed, " Hey, hon, come over her e and
hang out wi t h your dad and your boyf r i end f or a whi l e. " The f eel i ng of
accept ance, and t he war mt h of knowi ng t he t wo men accept ed and honor ed
each ot her ' s r ol e i n my l i f e, was amazi ng.
One of t he t hi ngs peopl e get out of mul t i pl e r el at i onshi ps i s t he
chance t o be al l of t hei r var i ous sel ves. When t wo peopl e meet , t hey
r el at e wher e t hey i nt er sect , wher e t hey have compl ement ar y r ol es i n
si mi l ar scr i pt s. So, bei ng di f f er ent t hi ngs t o di f f er ent l over s, we
mi ght f i nd our sel ves havi ng di f f er ent boundar i es, l i mi t s and
r el at i onshi p st yl es i n di f f er ent ci r cumst ances.
Thi s mi ght mani f est i n a var i et y of ways. For i nst ance, I mi ght be
cal mand cent er ed when Lover A i s angr y, but Lover B' s i r r i t abi l i t y i s
di st r essi ng t o me- i t " pushes my but t ons, " per haps r emi ndi ng me of a
past l over or a puni t i ve par ent . I n t hi s case, I need t o own my
but t ons, and f i gur e out i f my l i mi t s wi t h Lover B ar e goi ng t o be
di f f er ent f r ommy l i mi t s wi t h Lover A. For get about f ai r ness. Et hi cal
sl ut t er y does not mean t hat al l t hi ngs come out equal . Di f f er ent
r el at i onshi ps have di f f er ent boundar i es, di f f er ent l i mi t s, and
di f f er ent pot ent i al s. So i f your l over has f ound someone t hat she can
shar e a cer t ai n act i vi t y wi t h, and you woul d l i ke t o shar e t hat wi t h
her t oo, t he quest i on i s not " Why dont you do t hat wi t h me?" but " That
sounds i nt er est i ng, how do you suppose we coul d make t hat wor k f or
us?"
Thi s i s how one woman we i nt er vi ewed put i t :
My open sexual l i f est yl e gi ves me per sonal f r eedom, i ndependence, and
r esponsi bi l i t y i n a way t hat bei ng an excl usi ve coupl e doesn' t . Because
I ' mr esponsi bl e, ever y day, f or my needs bei ng met ( or not ) , and f or
cr eat i ng and mai nt ai ni ng t he r el at i onshi ps i n my l i f e, I can t ake
not hi ng f or gr ant ed. Ever y per son I meet has t he pot ent i al f or
what ever i t i s t hat ' s r i ght bet ween me and t hat per son, r egar dl ess of
how my r el at i onshi ps ar e wi t h anybody el se. And so t hi s l i f est yl e
gi ves me a ver y concr et e f eel i ng of i ndi vi dual i t y, t hat I r ecr eat e
ever y day. I f eel mor e l i ke a gr ownup, adul t , r esponsi bl e per son when
I know t hat my l i f e, al l of i t , who I f uck, who I r el at e t o, how I
r el at e t o t hem, i s al l my choi ce. I pr omi sed my par t ner t hat I woul d
shar e my l i f e wi t h hi m, and t hat i mpl i es t o me t hat I have a l i f e t o
shar e- a compl et e l i f e. And i t ' s cl ear t o me t hat he' s her e because he
want s t o be, wher ever " her e" i s. We ar e wi t h each ot her , ever y day,
because we r eal l y want t o be. Our choi ces ar e r eal .
CHAPTER 2. SLUT ECONOMI ES
As we have sai d bef or e, many t r adi t i onal at t i t udes about sexual i t y ar e
based on t he i dea t hat t her e i sn' t enough of somet hi ng- l ove, sex,
f r i endshi p, commi t ment - t o go ar ound. I f you bel i eve t hi s, i f you
t hi nk t hat t her e' s a l i mi t ed amount of what you want , i t can seemver y
i mpor t ant t o st ake your cl ai mt o your shar e of i t . You may bel i eve
t hat you have t o t ake your shar e away f r omsomebody el se, si nce i f i t ' s
al l t hat good a t hi ng someone el se pr obabl y al r eady has i t ( how
unf ai r ! ) . Or you may bel i eve t hat i f someone el se get s somet hi ng, t hat
means t her e must be l ess of i t f or you.
st ar vat i on economi es
We cal l t hi s ki nd of t hi nki ng " st ar vat i on economi es. " Peopl e of t en
l ear n about st ar vat i on economi es i n chi l dhood, when par ent s who ar e
emot i onal l y depl et ed or unavai l abl e t each us t hat we must wor k har d t o
get our emot i onal needs met so t hat i f we r el ax our vi gi l ance f or even a
moment , a myst er i ous someone or somet hi ng may t ake t he l ove we need
away f r omus. Some of us may even have exper i enced r eal - wor l d hunger
( i f you di dn' t gr ab f i r st , your br ot her got al l t he pot at oes) , or
out r i ght negl ect , depr i vat i on or abuse. We may l ear n st ar vat i on
economi es l at er i n l i f e, f r ommani pul at i ve, wi t hhol di ng or puni t i ve
l over s, spouses or f r i ends.
The bel i ef s acqui r ed i n chi l dhood usual l y r un deep, bot h i n i ndi vi dual s
and i n our cul t ur e. So you may have t o l ook car ef ul l y t o see t he
pat t er n. You can see i t i n a smal l way i n t he ki nd of " compl ai ni ng
cont est s" some peopl e engage i n: " Boy, di d I have a r ot t en day t oday. "
" You t hi nk your day was r ot t en- wai t t i l l you hear about my day! " as
t hough t her e wer e a l i mi t ed amount of sympat hy i n t he wor l d, and t he
onl y way t o get t he amount due you was t o compet e f or i t . Peopl e may
t hi nk t hat i f you l ove Bi l l t hat means you must l ove Mar y l ess, or i f
you' r e commi t t ed t o your r el at i onshi p wi t h your f r i end you must be l ess
commi t t ed t o your r el at i onshi p wi t h your spouse.
Thi s ki nd of t hi nki ng i s a t r ap. We know, f or exampl e, t hat havi ng a
second chi l d doesn' t usual l y mean t hat a par ent l oves t he f i r st chi l d
l ess, and t hat t he per son who owns t hr ee pet s doesn' t necessar i l y gi ve
any l ess car e t o each one t han t he per son who owns one. But when i t
comes t o sex, par t i cul ar l y sex wi t h a r omant i c component , i t ' s har d f or
most peopl e t o bel i eve t hat mor e f or you doesn' t mean l ess f or me.
l et t i ng go
Get t i ng over past f ear s of st ar vat i on can be one of t he bi ggest
chal l enges of et hi cal sl ut hood I t r equi r es an enor mous l eap of f ai t h
you have t o l et go of some of what f eel s l i ke your s, t r ust i ng t hat i t
wi l l be r epl aced, and mor e, by a gener ous wor l d. You need t o get cl ear
t hat you deser ve l ove and nur t ur ance and war mt h and sex. And i f t he
wor l d hasn' t been al l t hat gener ous t o you i n t he past , t hi s may be
ver y di f f i cul t .
Unf or t unat el y, we can' t pr omi se you t hat t he wor l d wi l l be gener ous t o
you. We t hi nk i t wi l l t hat i f you l oosen your possessi ve gr i p on t he
l ove t hat ' s al r eady your s, you' l l get mor e, f r omt he per son who l oves
you, and maybe f r omsome ot her peopl e t oo. I t cer t ai nl y has wor ked f or
us. But , especi al l y i n t he begi nni ng, l et t i ng go of f al se st ar vat i on
economi es can f eel a l ot l i ke t r apeze- swi ngi ng l et t i ng go of what you
al r eady have ( or bel i eve t hat you have) , t r ust i ng t hat at t he end of
t he l eap t her e wi l l al ways be somet hi ng el se t o gr ab.
I s t her e a saf et y net f or t hi s ki nd of dar e devi l r y Wel l , yes, but i t ' s
goi ng t o r equi r e anot her l eap of f ai t h. . . because t he saf et y net i s
you. Your sel f - r el i ance, your sel f - nur t ur i ng, your abi l i t y t o spend
t i me i n your own company. I f bei ng al one seems unbear abl e t o you, t he
cour age r equi r ed t o r el i nqui sh what ' s " your s" t he t hi ngs t hat st and
bet ween you and al oneness, may be i mpossi bl e t o summon.
On t he ot her hand, what an i ncr edi bl y f r ee f eel i ng i t i s t o r eal i ze
t hat t her e i s enough l ove, sex, commi t ment , suppor t and nur t ur i ng t o go
ar ound! Cat her i ne used t o spend t he ni ght s when her par t ner was out
wi t h someone el se by get t i ng t oget her wi t h one of her own ot her l over s,
so she woul dn' t have t o be al one. Now, she says, " I know t hat opt i on
i s t her e f or me i f I want i t but mor e of t en I choose t o spend t hat t i me
i n my own company, enj oyi ng t he oppor t uni t y f or sol i t ar y
sel f - i ndul gence. " Knowi ng t hat t he wor l d of f er s pl ent y of
compani onshi p, she f eel s saf e enough t o not need t hat r eassur ance.
r eal - wor l d l i mi t s
I n cont r ast t o st ar vat i on economi es, some of t he t hi ngs we want r eal l y
ar e l i mi t ed. Ther e ar e onl y t went y- f our hour s i n t he day, f or exampl e
so t r yi ng t o f i nd enough t i me t o do al l t he wonder f ul l y sl ut t y t hi ngs
you enj oy, wi t h al l t he peopl e you car e about , can be a r eal chal l enge
( and somet i mes may si mpl y not be possi bl e) .
Ti me i s t he bi ggest r eal - wor l d l i mi t we encount er i n t r yi ng t o l i ve and
l ove as we l i ke. Thi s pr obl emi s har dl y excl usi ve t o sl ut s; monogamous
f ol ks r un i nt o pr obl ems f i ndi ng t he t i me f or sex, compani onshi p and
communi cat i on, t oo. Car ef ul pl anni ng can hel p- i f you dont al r eady
keep a f ai r l y det ai l ed dat ebook or comput er i zed cal endar , now i s a good
t i me t o st ar t . Respect i ng one anot her ' s r eal i t i es, and st ayi ng
f l exi bl e, i s i mpor t ant . Cr i ses happen: a si ck chi l d, a wor k emer gency,
or even anot her par t ner who needs compani onshi p and r eassur ance dur i ng
a par t i cul ar l y bad t i me. You mi ght al so want t o do some t hi nki ng about
how much t i me you need t o get your needs met : do you r eal l y have t o
st ay over and have br eakf ast t oget her t he next day, or woul d an hour or
t wo of cuddl i ng and t al k be j ust as ni ce?
However you wor k out your schedul e, r emember t hat ever ybody concer ned
needs t o know about i t , and t hat may i ncl ude mor e peopl e t han you ar e
used t o t hi nki ng about . A f r i end of our s, havi ng f ai l ed t o i nf or mhi s
wi f e' s l over about an engagement t hat af f ect ed her schedul e, moaned: " I
know I t ol d someone! "
Don' t f or get t o schedul e t i me t o r el at e t o your par t ner and pl ay wi t h
your ki ds. And dont l eave your sel f out : many busy sl ut s f i nd i t
i mpor t ant t o schedul e al one t i me f or r est and r epl eni shment . Cat her i ne,
who l i ves i n a Gr and Cent r al St at i onl i ke gr oup househol d, has an
ar r angement wi t h her gi r l f r i end t hat she can occasi onal l y use Bar bar a' s
house f or sol i t ar y r et r eat s- a r ar e and pr eci ous gi f t - whi l e Bar bar a i s
out of t own.
Space i s anot her r eal - wor l d l i mi t f or many peopl e. Few of us ar e
f or t unat e enough t o l i ve i n mul t i - r oommansi ons wi t h r ooms dedi cat ed
excl usi vel y t o sex. I f you' r e i n your bedr oomwi t h your f r i end, and
your l i ve- i n par t ner i s sl eepy and want s t o go t o bed, you' ve got a
pr obl em. Cr ashi ng on a nar r ow couch i n your own apar t ment , whi l e your
par t ner di spor t s wi t h someone el se i n your bed, may be beyond t he
l i mi t s of even t he most advanced sl ut . Thi s pr obl emmay be sol ved by
separ at e bedr ooms or per sonal spaces i f you can af f or d t hem. One
coupl e we i nt er vi ewed sai d, " Havi ng separ at e bedr ooms i s a
nonnegot i abl e need f or us; we woul dn' t be abl e t o mai nt ai n t hi s
l i f est yl e wi t hout t hem. " Somet i mes a hot el r oomor ot her r ent ed or
bor r owed space can be anot her good sol ut i on. I f nei t her of t hese i s an
opt i on, we suggest maki ng cl ear agr eement s about what t i mes t he shar ed
space i s avai l abl e f or ot her - par t ner sex, and st i cki ng st r i ct l y t o
t hem.
Thi ngs. I t ' s onl y nat ur al t o want t o shar e our possessi ons wi t h t he
peopl e we car e about . But t hi s ur ge can cause pr obl ems when
possessi ons- money, f ood, ar t , t oys- bel ong, l egal l y or emot i onal l y, t o
mor e t han one per son. I f t her e' s any chance t hat someone f eel s a sense
of possessi on about an i t em, we st r ongl y r ecommend t hat you t al k
car ef ul l y wi t h t hat per son bef or e you shar e t he i t emwi t h someone el se.
Thi s r ul e i s somet i mes si mpl e: you dont l et your l over pol i sh of f t he
car t on of mi l k t hat your spouse was pl anni ng t o dr i nk f or br eakf ast .
But i t somet i mes get s t r i cky, t oo. Whi l e you may have t he l egal r i ght
t o gi ve away a gi f t t hat was gi ven t o you by someone el se, t he wi f e who
sees her husband' s Fat her ' s Day t i e ar ound hi s l over ' s neck may f eel
under st andabl y mi f f ed. ( These ar e some of t he advanced boundar i es we
t ol d you about . ) Si mi l ar l y, i t ' s not a good i dea t o shar e wi t h someone
el se an i t emt hat was made f or you by a l over , or t hat t he t wo of you
bought t oget her dur i ng an i nt i mat e shoppi ng t r i p. Many sl ut s, f or t he
pur poses of hygi ene and/ or emot i onal at t achment , set asi de cer t ai n sex
t oys f or use wi t h onl y one per son: my vi br at or , Har r y' s di l do. Lendi ng
or gi vi ng j oi nt l y owned money wi t hout di scussi ng i t wi t h t he co- owner
i s, we hope i t ' s not necessar y t o say, unaccept abl e.
" The t yr anny of hydr aul i cs. " Thi s i s Dossi e' s phr ase f or t he
bi ol ogi cal r eal i t i es t hat gover n many aspect s of sexual i t y. Whi l e i t
mi ght be ni ce t o t hi nk t hat you' r e a sexual super man who can gener at e
er ect i ons on demand ad i nf i ni t um, nei t her of us has yet met such a man.
A par t ner who i s l ooki ng f or war d t o convent i onal sexual act i vi t i es wi t h
a mal e l over may be qui t e under st andabl y di sappoi nt ed t o f i nd hi m
unavai l abl e by vi r t ue of havi ng ej acul at ed wi t h anot her par t ner ear l i er
t hat day. And even t he most mul t i pl y or gasmi c of women can' t st ay
t ur ned on f or ever .
Such pr obl ems can of t en be sol ved by r eadj ust i ng your expect at i ons of
what const i t ut es sex" does i t r eal l y al ways r equi r e an er ect i on? An
or gasm? An ej acul at i on? Pr act i t i oner s of t ant r i c yoga have devel oped
ways by whi ch many men can exper i ence or gasmwi t hout ej acul at i on. These
st r at egi es ar e onl y somewhat usef ul f or bi r t h cont r ol and saf er sex,
and ar e cer t ai nl y no subst i t ut e f or r ubber s. But t hey come wi t h a
wonder f ul si de ef f ect : men who l ear n t o or gasmwi t hout ej acul at i ng ar e
abl e t o come many t i mes, l i ke women. And pr act i t i oner s of many ot her
ki nds of sex have devel oped ways i n whi ch ent husi ast i c sl ut s can gi ve
t hei r par t ner s one or many or gasms, r egar dl ess of t hei r own st at e of
ar ousal . Bef or e you gi ve up on pol yamor y because of " t he t yr anny of
hydr aul i cs, " we suggest you i nvest i gat e at l east some of t hese
possi bi l i t i es ( our ear l i er chapt er on Enj oyi ng Sex, and some of t he
books i n t he Bi bl i ogr aphy, wi l l hel p) .
Remember out er cour se Remember sensual i t y. Redi scover massage f or i t s
own sake. Shar e a ser i ousl y f i l t hy conver sat i on about what you' d l i ke
t o do t o each ot her t omor r ow.
AM I REALLY GOI NG TO STARVE?
When you t r y t o deci de what l i mi t s you want t o t he openness of your
r el at i onshi p, i t ' s not al ways easy t o t el l whi ch f ear s ar e based on
r eal i t y and whi ch on f ear or i l l usi on. Fi r st , you have t o pi npoi nt t he
ar eas i n your l i f e wher e you f eel i nsecur e, wher e you per cei ve t he
possi bi l i t y of depr i vat i on- whi ch r equi r es a l ot of sel f - sear chi ng and
honest y. I t hel ps t o ask, " What amI af r ai d mi ght happen?"
I s my par t ner ' s f ondness f or hi s f r i end r eal l y goi ng t o make hi mf al l
out of l ove wi t h me? What i f my par t ner doesn' t t hi nk I ' mspeci al any
mor e? What i f she' s so ecst at i cal l y happy t hat she doesn' t need me?
Why woul d she ever want me, anyway? These ar e some of t he hor r i bl e
l i t t l e t hought s t hat pop up i n al l of our mi nds when we' r e scar ed of
st ar vi ng.
You need t o deci de whet her your f ear i s a possi bl e r eal i t y, or
somet hi ng t hat pr obabl y woul dn' t happen. Fr equent check- i ns, good
communi cat i on t o keep you awar e of whet her anyone' s f eel i ng depr i ved or
over ext ended, and l ot s of i nt er nal r eal i t y checks ( i s your
di sappoi nt ment t hat he coul dn' t get i t up r eal l y j ust t hat , or i s i t
anger or j eal ousy over hi s dat e l ast ni ght ?) can hel p. We' l l t al k
l at er about how t o get r eassur ance when you' r e af r ai d.
LI MI TS CAN STRETCH
Somet i mes, you j ust have t o t r y i t and see. The ol d chest nut about " I f
you l ove somet hi ng, l et i t go" i s sent i ment al , but mor e t han a ker nel
of t r ut h l i es at i t s cor e. I n t he same way t hat a di et er i s somet i mes
counsel ed t o l et hi msel f get hungr y i n or der t o see what t hat f eel s
l i ke, you may need t o l et your sel f f eel depr i ved, si mpl y t o pr ove t o
your sel f t hat f eel i ng depr i ved i sn' t t he end of t he wor l d. Somet i mes
l et t i ng go of one pl easur e opens your eyes t o anot her t hat was t her e
f r omt he st ar t ; somet i mes a new one comes al ong; somet i mes you f i nd out
you dont need i t al l t hat much r i ght now anyway. We can' t t el l you
what l et t i ng go wi l l f eel l i ke; al l we can do i s assur e you t hat you
wi l l l ear n somet hi ng f r omi t . Scar y. . . and sat i sf yi ng!
A song t o r emember :
Love i s a r ose and you bet t er not pi ck i t Onl y gr ows when i t ' s on t he
vi ne Handf ul of t hor ns and you know you mi ssed i t Lose your l ove when
you say t he wor d " mi ne. " 10
CHAPTERS. J EALOUSY
" Let j eal ousy be your t eacher . J eal ousy can l ead you t o t he ver y
pl aces wher e you most need heal i ng. I t can be your gui de i nt o your own
dar k si de and show you t he way t o t ot al sel f - r eal i zat i on. J eal ousy can
t each you how t o l i ve i n peace wi t h your sel f and wi t h t he whol e wor l d
i f you l et i t . " Debor ah Anapol , Love Wi t hout Li mi t s
For many peopl e, t he bi ggest obst acl e t o f r ee l ove i s t he emot i on we
cal l j eal ousy.
J eal ousy f eel s r eal l y r ot t en and most of us wi l l go t o gr eat l engt hs t o
avoi d f eel i ng i t . However , your aut hor s bel i eve t hat most peopl e t ake
t he dest r uct i ve power of j eal ousy way t oo much f or gr ant ed, t hat t hey
gi ve t hei r j eal ousy f ar mor e power t han i t deser ves. Af t er many year s
of l i vi ng f r ee and deal i ng successf ul l y wi t h j eal ousy, we t end t o
f or get t hat we l i ve i n a cul t ur e t hat consi der s i t accept abl e t o
di vor ce or even mur der a sexual l y expl or at i ve par t ner who has commi t t ed
t he unt hi nkabl e cr i me of ar ousi ng j eal ousy i n us. We danced happi l y
f or year s t o a bouncy Beat l es t une bef or e we not i ced t he l yr i cs t hat
t hr eat ened, " I ' d r at her see you dead, l i t t l e gi r l , t han t o see you wi t h
anot her man. . . "
Let us poi nt out her e t hat monogamy i s not a cur e f or j eal ousy. J oe
managed t o get pat hol ogi cal l y j eal ous wi t hout Dossi e ever cheat i ng. We
have al l had exper i ences of bei ng f er oci ousl y j eal ous of wor k t hat
keeps our par t ner away or di st r act ed f r omus, or of our l over ' s
deci si on t o cr ui se t he I nt er net i nst ead of our bodi es, or of Monday
( and Tuesday and Wednesday and. . . ) Ni ght Foot bal l . J eal ousy i s not
excl usi ve t o sl ut s; i t ' s an emot i on we al l have t o deal wi t h i n our
r el at i onshi ps.
Many peopl e bel i eve t hat sexual t er r i t or i al i t y i s a nat ur al par t of
i ndi vi dual and soci al evol ut i on, and use j eal ousy as j ust i f i cat i on t o
go ber ser k, and st op bei ng a sane, r esponsi bl e and et hi cal human bei ng.
Thr eat ened wi t h f eel i ng j eal ous, we al l ow our br ai ns t o t ur n t o st at i c
on t he excuse t hat we ar e act i ng on i nst i nct .
What I s J eal ousy?
We cannot ask t hi s quest i on t oo of t en. What i s j eal ousy t o you? Does
j eal ousy r eal l y exi st , and i s i t what we t hi nk i t i s? Once we ar e
wi l l i ng t o conf r ont t he f eel i ng of j eal ousy r at her t han r un away f r om
i t , we can see mor e cl ear l y what j eal ousy t r ul y i s f or each of us.
J eal ousy may be an expr essi on of i nsecur i t y, of f ear of r ej ect i on, f ear
of abandonment , f eel i ng l ef t out , f eel i ng not good enough, or f eel i ng
i nadequat e.
Somet i mes what we per cei ve as j eal ousy i s act ual l y somet hi ng el se.
Thi nk t hr ough t he det ai l s of how j eal ousy wor ks wi t h you. What bot her s
you t he most ? I s i t t hat you dont want her t o do t hose t hi ngs t o
someone el se, or t hat you do want her t o do t hemt o you? J eal ousy
mi ght act ual l y be envy, and envy i s of t en ver y easy t o f i x: why not
make a dat e wi t h your l over t o do what you have j ust di scover ed you ar e
mi ssi ng?
Somet i mes j eal ousy has at i t s r oot s f eel i ngs of gr i ef and l oss, whi ch
can be har der t o i nt er pr et . We have been t aught by our cul t ur e t hat
when our par t ner has sex wi t h anot her , we have l ost somet hi ng. Not t o
sound dumb, but we ar e conf used. What have we l ost ? When our par t ner
comes home f r oma hot dat e wi t h anot her , of t en she i s exci t ed, t ur ned
on and has some new i deas she woul d l i ke t o t r y out at home. We f ai l
t o see what we l ose i n t hi s si t uat i on.
On t he ot her hand, somet i mes t he t r ut h i s t hat we ar e becomi ng awar e on
an i nt ui t i ve l evel t hat our par t ner i s movi ng away f r omus, and i t
mi ght be t r ue t hat we ar e l osi ng t he r el at i onshi p t hat we cher i sh.
That does happen. And t he f act t hat supposedl y monogamous peopl e
ever ywher e of t en l eave one par t ner f or what t hey per cei ve as gr eener
gr ass wi t h anot her i s not much consol at i on when i t happens t o you.
We wat ched a f r i end of our s go t hr ough f eel i ngs of deep gr i ef and l oss
when she per cei ved t hat her par t ner ' s l over was t r yi ng, qui t e near l y
successf ul l y, t o abscond wi t h hi m. I n t hi s case, her pai n t hr ew a
spot l i ght on some di shonest y and mani pul at i on on t he par t of t he t hi r d
par t y, and gave her par t ner t he st r engt h t o br eak of f f r omt he l over
and t o f i nd ot her l over s who had gr eat er r espect f or hi s pr i mar y bond.
On t he ot her hand, t hi s scenar i o mi ght j ust as easi l y have ended i n a
br eakup; we' l l t al k mor e about br eakups, and deal i ng wi t h t hem
et hi cal l y wi t h car e f or your own and your par t ner ' s f eel i ngs, i n t he
chapt er on " Sl ut s I n Love. "
J eal ousy mi ght al so be associ at ed wi t h f eel i ngs of compet i t i veness and
want i ng t o be number one. Dossi e' s daught er , when young, once asked
her , " I f t her e wer e an Ol ympi cs of sex woul d you wi n a gol d medal ?" We
say t hank t he Goddess t her e i s no Ol ympi cs of sex, because sexual
achi evement i s not measur abl e- so get t hat r ul er out of her e. We
cannot r ank each and ever y one of us on some hi er ar chi cal l adder of who
i s or i s not t he most desi r abl e, or t he bet t er f uck. What a hor r i d
i dea! We want t o l i ve i n a wor l d wher e each per son' s sexual i t y i s
val ued f or i t s own sake, not f or how i t measur es up t o any st andar d
beyond our own pl easur e. And i f you l ear n f r omsomeone el se' s
exper i ence somet hi ng t hat you woul d l i ke t o add t o your own r eper t oi r e
of ski l l s, you can cer t ai nl y l ear n t o do i t wi t hout wast i ng t i me
t r ashi ng your sel f f or not al r eady havi ng known how.
Fear of bei ng sexual l y i nadequat e can be par t i cul ar l y pot ent . But
al l ow us t o r eassur e you t hat event ual l y, when you succeed i n
est abl i shi ng t he l i f est yl e you ar e dr eami ng about , you wi l l be so
f ami l i ar wi t h so many di f f er ent i ndi vi dual s' ways of expr essi ng
sexual i t y t hat you wi l l no l onger have t o wonder how your sexual i t y
compar es t o anot her ' s; you' l l know f r omdi r ect exper i ence. You can
l ear n f r omyour l over s, and your l over s' l over s, and your l over s'
l over s' l over s, t o be t he sexual super st ar you woul d l i ke t o be.
Unl ear ni ng J eal ousy
To change t he way you exper i ence a f eel i ng t akes t i me, so expect a
gr adual pr ocess, l ear ni ng as you go, by t r i al and er r or . And t her e
wi l l be t r i al s, and you wi l l make er r or s.
St ar t by gi vi ng your sel f per mi ssi on t o l ear n new ways. Al l ow your sel f
t o not know what you dont know, t o be i gnor ant . You must al l ow
your sel f t o make mi st akes you have no choi ce. So r eassur e your sel f :
t her e i s no gr acef ul way t o unl ear n j eal ousy. I t ' s ki nd of l i ke
l ear ni ng t o skat e- you have t o f al l down and make a f ool of your sel f a
f ew t i mes bef or e you become as gr acef ul as a swan.
The chal l enge becomes l ear ni ng t o est abl i sh wi t hi n your sel f a st r ong
f oundat i on of i nt er nal secur i t y t hat i s not dependent on sexual
excl usi vi t y, or owner shi p of your par t ner . Thi s i s par t of t he l ar ger
quest i on of how t o gr asp your per sonal power and l ear n t o under st and
and l ove your sel f wi t hout such a desper at e need f or anot her per son t o
val i dat e you. You become f r ee t o gi ve and r ecei ve val i dat i on, not f r om
need or obl i gat i on, but f r oml ove and car i ng. We suggest most st r ongl y
t hat you put some ef f or t i nt o l ear ni ng t o val i dat e your sel f - bel i eve
us, you' r e wor t h i t .
Many peopl e f i nd t hat as t hey devel op t hei r pol yamor ous f ami l i es, t hey
act ual l y get val i dat i on f r oml ot s and l ot s of peopl e and t hus become
l ess dependent on t hei r par t ner ' s appr oval . Thei r needs and t hei r
sour ces of nour i shment get spr ead out over a wi der t er r i t or y.
We can' t t el l you how t o bani sh j eal ousy, or how t o exor ci se i t as i f
i t wer e a demon. J eal ousy i s not a cancer t hat you can cut out . I t i s
a par t of you, a way t hat you expr ess f ear and hur t . What you can do
i s change t he way you exper i ence j eal ousy, l ear n t o deal wi t h i t as you
l ear n t o deal wi t h- any emot i on- unt i l i t becomes, not over whel mi ng and
not exact l y pl easant , but t ol er abl e: a mi l d di st ur bance, l i ke a r ai ny
day r at her t han a t yphoon.
Dl SEMPOWER YOUR J EALOUSY
One woman we t al ked t o had some ver y good i deas about what you can do
about j eal ousy:
I not i ce t hat j eal ousy comes and goes, dependi ng on how good I f eel
about mysel f . When I ' mnot t aki ng car e of get t i ng what I want , i t ' s
easy t o get j eal ous and t hi nk t hat someone el se i s get t i ng what I am
not . I need t o r emember t hat i t ' s my j ob t o get my needs met . I f eel
t he j eal ousy, but I ' mnot wi l l i ng t o act on i t , so i t most l y goes away.
Once you have made a commi t ment t o r ef use t o act on your j eal ousy, you
become f r ee t o st ar t r educi ng t he amount of power you l et your j eal ousy
have over you One way t o do t hi s i s si mpl y by al l owi ng your sel f t o f eel
i t . J ust f eel i t . I t wi l l hur t , and you wi l l f eel f r i ght ened and
conf used, but i f you si t st i l l , and l i st en t o your sel f wi t h compassi on
and suppor t f or t he scar ed chi l d i nsi de, t he f i r st t hi ng you wi l l l ear n
i s t hat t he exper i ence of j eal ousy i s sur vi vabl e. You have t he
st r engt h t o get t hr ough i t .
We have hear d sl ut s accuse each ot her of bei ng j eal ous as i f i t wer e a
cr i me. " See? Look at you1 You' r e j eal ous, ar en' t you? Don' t t r y t o
deny i t 1" I t i s par t i cul ar l y i mpor t ant t hat you own your j eal ousy, t o
your sel f and t o your i nt i mat es. I f you t r y t o pr et end t hat you ar e not
j eal ous when you ar e, ot her s wi l l per cei ve you as di shonest , or wor se
yet , t hey may bel i eve you, and see no need t o suppor t or pr ot ect you
because you' r e f i ne, r i ght ? I f you pr et end t o your sel f t hat you ar e
not j eal ous when you ar e, t hen your own emot i ons may t r y devi ous r out es
t o br i ng t hemsel ves t o your at t ent i on, whi ch can gener at e i nt ensel y
i r r at i onal f eel i ngs and behavi or , t emper t ant r ums and hi ssy f i t s, or
per haps even make you physi cal l y i l l .
When you deny your j eal ousy t o your sel f , you t ake f r omyour sel f t he
oppor t uni t y t o be i n sympat hy wi t h your sel f and t o suppor t and comf or t
your sel f . When you deny j eal ousy, or any ot her di f f i cul t emot i on, you
put your sel f i n a har sh and di f f i cul t l andscape, f ul l of pi t f al l s and
l and mi nes. " Act i ng out " means doi ng t hi ngs you dont under st and,
dr i ven by emot i ons you have r ef used t o be awar e of - and denyi ng your
j eal ousy can l ead you t o act out har sh f eel i ngs i n ways you wi l l r egr et
l at er
Somet i mes act i ng out t akes t he f or mof maki ng ul t i mat ums about what
your par t ner may and may not door , wor se, t r yi ng t o enf or ce r et r oact i ve
" agr eement s" by get t i ng al l r i ght eousl y i ndi gnant about how anybody
coul d have f i gur ed out t hat i t wasn' t okay t o t ake Bob t o t he movi e you
want ed t o see, and ar en' t bot h of t hemi nconsi der at e and r ot t en? You
cannot deal const r uct i vel y wi t h j eal ousy by maki ng t he ot her guys wr ong
J eal ousy i s an emot i on t hat ar i ses i nsi de you; no per son and no
behavi or can " make" you j eal ous. Li ke i t or not , t he onl y per son who
can make t hat j eal ousy hur t l ess or go away i s you.
Li st eni ng t o your l over when she i s f eel i ng j eal ous can be di f f i cul t .
Somet i mes we f i nd i t easi er t o f eel angr y and push our bel oved away
t han t o st ay cl ose when she i s i n pai n, t o st ay i n empat hy, t o suppor t ,
t o car e When we bl ame a l over f or bei ng j eal ous, we ar e t r yi ng t o
j ust i f y our i nt ense desi r e t o not have t o l i st en t o how much he hur t s
when we ar e on t he way out t he door t o pl ay wi t h someone el se. Thi s i s
a cr ummy way t o avoi d deal i ng wi t h our own f eel i ngs of gui l t .
I f t hi s sounds f ami l i ar t o you, i f you have exper i enced t i mes l i ke t hi s
i n your l i f e, we r ecommend t hat you pr act i ce t he ski l l of st ayi ng
qui et l y wi t h bot h your own and your l over s' pai n. Remember , you dont
have t o f i x anyt hi ng al l you have t o do i s l i st en, t o your sel f or
anot her , and under st and t hat t hi s hur t s. Per i od.
The way t o unl ear n j eal ousy i s t o be wi l l i ng t o exper i ence i t . By
act i vel y choosi ng t o exper i ence a pai nf ul f eel i ng l i ke j eal ousy, you
ar e al r eady st ar t i ng t o r educe i t s power over you Fi r st , you deci de
t hat you wi l l not al l ow your j eal ousy t o make you r un scr eami ng over
t he hor i zon And so you exer ci se your f i r st f or mof cont r ol over
j eal ousy I wi l l hol d st eady and st ay wi t h mysel f and my f eel i ngs.
Cat her i ne and her par t ner had a di f f i cul t moment when she f i r st t ol d
hi mt hat she was i n l ove wi t h one of her l over s.
I ' d been seei ng t hi s woman f or a whi l e, and r eal i zed,
much t o my sur pr i se, t hat my f eel i ngs t owar d her had gone beyond si mpl e
sexual f r i endshi p and i nt o a deep r omant i c emot i on t hat I i dent i f i ed as
bei ng i n l ove. When I t ol d J ay about t hi s, I t hi nk hi s f i r st i mpul se
was t o f eel t hr eat ened, i nsecur e, and, yes, j eal ous. I coul d f eel hi m
get t i ng cl ose t o expl odi ng. I t was har d f or me not t o t r y t o f i x
t hi ngs, t o t ake back what I ' d sai d about bei ng i n l ove, or t o si mpl y
l eave t he di scussi on al t oget her because I f el t scar ed and gui l t y.
But J ay st ayed on cour se, al l owi ng t he f eel i ngs t o pr esent t hemsel ves,
but not al l owi ng t hemt o dr i ve hi mi nt o act i ng angr y or def ensi ve. He
asked me some quest i ons about what exact l y t hi s meant t o us, and I was
abl e t o expl ai n t hat I wasn' t pl anni ng t o l eave hi m, t hat my l ove f or
her was i n no way a t hr eat t o my l ove f or hi m, t hat she and I wer en' t
expect i ng t o become pr i mar y par t ner s- t hat , r eal l y, not hi ng had changed
except my own emot i ons and t he wor ds I was usi ng t o descr i be t hem. We
st i l l r e- vi si t t hi s di scussi on f r omt i me t o t i me, especi al l y when our
busy schedul es per mi t me t o spend some ext r a t i me wi t h my l over . And,
so f ar , we' ve al l been abl e t o r ecogni ze and honor one anot her ' s
emot i ons, and t hi ngs ar e goi ng gr eat .
You can f eel j eal ousy wi t hout act i ng on i t . I n f act , f l yi ng i nt o a
r age and br eaki ng al l t he cr ocker y, or cal l i ng your l over ' s l over and
hangi ng up ever y f i f t een mi nut es dur i ng your f i r st sl eepl ess ni ght , or
pi cki ng a f i ght wi t h whoever ' s handy al l t hese ar e t hi ngs t hat peopl e
do i n or der t o not f eel j eal ous, i n or der t o not f eel scar ed and
smal l .
When you hol d st i l l wi t h your j eal ousy, you wi l l f i nd t hat i t i s
possi bl e t o f eel somet hi ng di f f i cul t wi t hout get t i ng f r ant i c, or doi ng
anyt hi ng you dont choose t o do. You wi l l have t aken your second st ep
at di sempower i ng your j eal ousy. You' ve t ol d your j eal ousy t hat you
wi l l not al l ow i t t o dest r oy your l ovi ng r el at i onshi ps.
Your pai n i s t he br eaki ng of t he shel l t hat encl oses your
under st andi ng.
Even as t he st one of t he f r ui t must br eak, t hat i t s hear t may st and i n
t he sun, so must you know pai n.
And coul d you keep your hear t i n wonder at t he dai l y mi r acl es of your
l i f e, your pai n woul d not seeml ess wondr ous t han your j oy:
And you woul d accept t he seasons of your hear t , even as you have al ways
accept ed t he seasons t hat pass over your f i el ds. And you woul d wat ch
wi t h ser eni t y t hr ough t he wi nt er s of your gr i ef . "
Weat her i ng t he St or m
So her e you ar e, hol di ng st i l l , f eel i ng r ot t en. Now what do you do?
Get as comf or t abl e as you can and l i st en t o your sel f . Expl or e your
f eel i ngs, nour i sh t hem, t r easur e t hem- t hey ar e t he most essent i al par t
of you.
Be good t o your sel f , and r emember t hat t he most i mpor t ant par t of l ove
i s not t he l ove, however wonder f ul , t hat you or anot her can have f or
your beaut y and st r engt h and vi r t ue. The r eal t est of l ove i s when a
per son- i ncl udi ng you- can know your weaknesses, your st upi di t i es and
your smal l nesses, and st i l l l ove you.
Remember , as you l ook at your sel f , t o l ook ki ndl y, and al so r emember
t hat you ar e not bal anci ng a checkbook. Anyt hi ng you see t hat you dont
l i ke, or t hat you want t o change, i s not a debi t t hat you subt r act f r om
your vi r t ues. Lear n t o r ef l ect on your st r engt hs and vi r t ues.
and i t becomes easi er t o l ook const r uct i vel y at your weaknesses. Keep
your vi r t ues at t hei r f ul l val ue, and cher i sh t hem.
St ar t by set t i ng your sel f t he t ask of get t i ng t hr ough a shor t per i od of
t i me wi t h your j eal ousy, l i ke an eveni ng or an af t er noon when your
par t ner may be of f wi t h anot her . Make a pact wi t h your sel f t hat you
wi l l st ay wi t h your f eel i ngs, what ever t hey may be, f or a shor t per i od
of t i me. I f a whol e eveni ng or ni ght seems l i ke t oo l ong, st ar t wi t h
f i ve or t en mi nut es, t hen ar r ange t o di st r act your sel f wi t h a vi deo or
what ever .
I T MI GHT BE EASI ER THAN YOU THOUGHT
One of t he possi bl e, and i ndeed common, out comes wi l l be t hat your
par t ner wi l l go of f on a dat e wi t h anot her , and you wi l l f eel j ust
f i ne. Sur pr i se! Your ant i ci pat i on may have been a l ot wor se t han t he
act ual event . Exper i enced sl ut s of t en f i nd t hat t hey onl y f eel j eal ous
now and t hen. When t hey do exper i ence j eal ousy, t hey can exami ne t hese
speci f i c exper i ences t o see what t hey can l ear n about t hemsel ves, and
i f t hey can t hi nk of what mi ght make t hi s par t i cul ar sor t of event
saf er and easi er .
One coupl e we t al ked t o i s wor ki ng t o mai nt ai n t hei r pr i mar y
r el at i onshi p i n a di f f i cul t si t uat i on: one of t hemi s out of t own most
of t he t i me on busi ness, and t hus much of t hei r act i vi t y wi t h ot her
par t ner s t akes pl ace under ci r cumst ances t hat pr event t hemf r om
r econnect i ng physi cal l y t o t he pr i mar y r el at i onshi p af t er war ds. One of
t hei r agr eement s i s t hat t hey t al k on t he phone ever y si ngl e ni ght ,
r egar dl ess of wher e t hey ar e or how busy t hey ar e. Of t en, t hei r
conver sat i ons t ake pl ace af t er one of t hemhas spent t i me connect i ng
wi t h an out si de par t ner . One of t hemnot es t hat dur i ng t hese
conver sat i ons, he al l ows my f eel i ngs. I dont hesi t at e t o say anyt hi ng
I want ; i n f act , he encour ages me t o. I ' ve f ound t hat j ust bei ng
al l owed t o say t hese t hi ngs, t o t al k about my j eal ousy and sadness,
somehow def uses t hem. They l ose a l ot of t hei r power because t hey meet
no r esi st ance f r omhi m- he j ust l i st ens t o t hemand l et s t hembe.
f eel your f eel i ngs
Pai nf ul f eel i ngs, even t he most i nt ense of t hem, have a t endency t o r un
t hei r cour se i f you l et t hem, so an i ni t i al st r at egy i s t o make
your sel f as comf or t abl e as possi bl e and wai t t i l l t he f eel i ngs di e
down. Fi nd your f eel i ngs, j eal ousy or hur t or anger or what ever , and
l et t hemf l ow t hr ough you, l i ke a r i ver . Your mi nd may be r aci ng wi t h
nast y t hought s, angr y, bl ami ng, f ocusi ng on some det ai l t hat you' r e
absol ut el y cer t ai n t hose ot her peopl e di d wr ong, obsessi ng on bel i evi ng
t hat someone i s t aki ng advant age of you, or r i di ng r oughshod over your
f eel i ngs. Thi s hur t s a l ot , so sur el y i t must be somebody' s f aul t !
Al l ow us t o r eassur e you: you ar e not an i di ot . We al l go t hr ough
t hi s. Don' t di e of shame, j ust l et t hese t hought s r un t hr ough you
t oo.
Feel i ngs, once uncover ed, can be bet t er under st ood by r ef l ect i ng on
t hem. I t i s usef ul t o have scr i pt s and st r at egi es f or
sel f - expl or at i on. J our nal wr i t i ng, pr ef er abl y wi t h t ot al di sr egar d f or
gr ammar and synt ax, can be a good way t o vent f eel i ngs and l ear n about
your sel f at t he same t i me. I t i s okay t o cover pages of your j our nal
wi t h FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE THI S! i n br i ght r ed i nk; i f t hi s
f eel s good t o you we r ecommend you get a l ar ge si ze j our nal . Tr y
wr i t i ng down your st r eamof consci ousness, whi ch means what ever you
f i nd i n your head whet her or not i t makes sense, and see what you get .
Tr easur es, j ewel s of sel f knowl edge ar e of t en f ound her e.
You can get a bi g dr awi ng pad and a set of oi l past el s, whi ch ar e
cr ayons f or gr ownups. These bi g cr ayons encour age expr essi on wi t h
br i ght col or s, and di scour age get t i ng hung up on det ai l s ( t hey' r e t oo
f at t o get cr abby wi t h) . Somet i mes you wi l l dr aw, and get squi ggl es,
and t hat ' s gr eat - t he smal l est t hi ng you can accompl i sh st i l l hel ps you
hol d st i l l f or a whi l e, and r ant i n col or . Ot her t i mes, you may
sur pr i se your sel f wi t h a dr awi ng t hat i s pr of oundl y meani ngf ul t o you.
Bot h of us use dr awi ng a l ot t o vent our st r ong f eel i ngs and di scover
t hi ngs about our sel ves- Dossi e qui t smoki ng t hi s way, and Cat her i ne
used i t as an i mpor t ant t ool t o get out of subur bi a and r ecover her
sl ut hood - and we assur e you t hat nei t her of us i s a gr eat ar t i st .
Some peopl e l i ke t o expr ess t hei r f eel i ngs wi t h t hei r bodi es, and mi ght
l i ke t o r un, or wor k out at t he gym, or cl ean t he ki t chen, or di g i n
t he gar den. Tr y f i ndi ng musi c t hat f i t s your mood, angr y or sad or
f r ant i c, and danci ng your f eel i ngs out . When you expr ess your sel f , you
get t o know your sel f bet t er and wor k out some of t he most i nt ense
st r ess const r uct i vel y. The l east you coul d wi nd up wi t h woul d be a
cl ean ki t chen, and you mi ght act ual l y f eel good af t er a sel f - i ndul gent
af t er noon on t he beach.
POOR BABY
Tr y f ocusi ng on t he f eel i ngs i n your body: wher e do you f eel t hese
emot i ons, i n your t hr oat , chest , gut ? Tur ni ng your at t ent i on t o t he
physi cal sensat i ons can i nt ensi f y t hem, and mi ght br i ng up t ear s, but
t hey wi l l move on t hr ough even mor e r eadi l y i f you al l ow your sel f t o
f eel t hemon t he physi cal l evel . I f r age comes wel l i ng up, you can
pound on a pi l l ow. I f you st ar t t o cr y, l et i t f l ow, r emember i ng t he
sense of r el i ef t hat comes af t er expr essi ng i nt ense emot i on i n t ear s.
Cat her i ne l i kes t o seek out a t ear - j er ker book or movi e t o hel p her get
t ear s out when she f eel s st uck. ( " Ter ms of Endear ment " has never
f ai l ed her yet . )
Some peopl e have t r oubl e doi ng t hi s because t hey' ve been t aught t hat
i t ' s wr ong t o f eel sor r y f or your sel f . So who el se shoul d you f eel
sor r y f or ? St ay i n sympat hy wi t h your sel f : you f eel bad, so be ki nd t o
your sel f .
You can t al k t o a f r i end, or your ot her l over , pr esumi ng you have made
agr eement s about conf i dent i al i t y wi t h ever ybody who mi ght car e i f you
gossi p. Cat her i ne has a deal wi t h a good f r i end of her s f or t el ephone
suppor t . She can cal l her f r i end up and ask f or f i ve mi nut es of " poor
baby, " and i f her f r i end i s avai l abl e, she pour s out her f eel i ngs and
her f r i end says, you guessed i t , not hi ng but " poor baby" t i l l she i s
t hr ough. Thi s may sound si l l y, but dont knock i t t i l l you t r y i t .
Comf or t i s a good t hi ng i n har d t i mes.
WHO' S TO BLAME?
As you get ski l l ed at f i ndi ng and expr essi ng your f eel i ngs, you can t r y
a mor e chal l engi ng t ask- see i f you can wr i t e about or t al k t o your
f r i end about your f eel i ngs wi t hout bl ami ng anybody not your l over , not
hi s l over , and especi al l y not your sel f . Thi s i s not an easy exer ci se:
you wi l l be sur pr i sed how r eadi l y we al l sl i p i nt o t hat bl ami ng mode,
but i t i s ver y ver y wor t hwhi l e t o l ear n t o have your f eel i ngs wi t hout
f oi st i ng t hemof f ont o someone el se' s account .
Remember , i t mi ght be easi er i n t he shor t r un f or me t o dump my
f eel i ngs on you when I f eel bad, i t sur e i s t empt i ng t o make how I f eel
al l your f aul t . But when we bl ame ot her s f or f eel i ngs t hat t r ul y
bel ong t o us, we di sempower our sel ves. I f i t ' s your f aul t t hat I f eel
bad, I guess t her e' s not hi ng I can do about i t , so I ' mst uck. Onl y
when I amwi l l i ng t o own my emot i ons do I have t he power t o change and
gr ow.
ONE TI NY STEP I N THE DI RECTI ON OF. . .
When your emot i ons ar e over whel mi ng and chaot i c, i t can hel p t o ask
your sel f i f t her e i s anyt hi ng t hat woul d hel p you f eel j ust one t i ny
bi t saf er . Let go of t he bi g pi ct ur e- maybe i t ' s t oo bi g t o f i gur e t he
whol e t hi ng out r i ght now, so st ar t by t aki ng a t i ny st ep i n t he
di r ect i on of saf er . A f ew deep br eat hs, consci ous r el axat i on of some
muscl es, soot hi ng musi c- t r y wr appi ng your sel f i n a sof t bl anket . I t
may not seeml i ke much, but once you manage t o do anyt hi ng t hat
i mpr oves your l ot even t he l i t t l est bi t , you ar e movi ng i n t he r i ght
di r ect i on t o bui l d some conf i dence t hat you can l ear n t o deal wi t h your
j eal ous f eel i ngs.
baby your sel f
Gi ve your sel f per mi ssi on t o t ake good car e of your sel f whi l e you l ear n
t o wor k t hr ough j eal ousy and ot her har d f eel i ngs. Lear n t o nur t ur e
your sel f . What ar e t he t hi ngs you f i nd comf or t i ng? Gi ve t hemt o
your sel f . Hot chocol at e? War mt owel s af t er a l ong soak? A l ong
sessi on wi t h your most bel oved movi e or comput er game? Your f avor i t e
t eddy bear ? Ef f ect i ve sel f - nur t ur i ng of t en happens on t he l evel of
body awar eness, so ni ce physi cal exper i ences massages, bubbl e bat hs,
ski n l ot i on, f l annel ni ght i es- can gi ve a sense of comf or t and secur i t y
even when your mi nd i s anxi ous and your t hought s ar e a mess. Gi ve
your sel f per mi ssi on t o t ake t he best possi bl e car e of your sel f . You
deser ve i t .
When you ant i ci pat e f eel i ng j eal ous, make pl ans t o occupy your t i me. I t
may be t oo much t oo ask t hat you al ways have a hot dat e at exact l y t he
same t i me as your l over - most peopl e' s schedul es ar e t oo compl i cat ed,
and what do you do when one of your dat es comes down wi t h t he f l u? Do
you cancel t he ot her one? The peopl e you make t hese dat es wi t h mi ght
be count i ng on you, t he t i me t hey have wi t h you mi ght be i mpor t ant t o
t hem, t hei r f eel i ngs mi ght get hur t . Thi r d par t i es have a r i ght t o
some pr edi ct abi l i t y i n t hei r l i ves t oo.
But even i f you can' t r ound up a hot dat e f or your sel f , you can
pr obabl y f i nd a f r i end t o go t o a movi e wi t h, r ent a vi deo, t al k
obsessi vel y on t he " Net , gr i nd your t eet h, eat sugar , chew your
f i nger nai l s, what ever wor ks. We do not r ecommend dr i nki ng and
dr uggi ng, as get t i ng hi gh mi ght ver y wel l i ncr ease t he i nt ensi t y of
your di st ur bance, and di si nhi bi t you enough t hat you mi ght f or get your
commi t ment t o exper i ence your j eal ousy wi t hout act i ng on i t . Besi des,
al t hough a cer t ai n amount of escapi smi s f i ne, t o anest het i ze your sel f
so t hat you f eel not hi ng at al l wi l l never gi ve you t he oppor t uni t y t o
devel op ski l l s at deal i ng wi t h al l t he f eel i ngs you have t hat ar e
i nspi r ed by j eal ousy.
Bi TE THE BULLET
When no bet t er pl an i s avai l abl e, t her e i s not hi ng wr ong wi t h gr i t t i ng
your t eet h, bi t i ng t he bul l et and hangi ng i n t her e t i l l i t ' s over . For
now.
Dossi e r emember s her f i r st chal l enge af t er she deci ded t o never be
monogamous agai n:
I had been casual l y dat i ng a young man, and had t ol d hi mat gr eat
l engt h t hat I was not avai l abl e f or par t ner i ng, and had no i nt ent i on of
ever bei ng monogamous agai n. He came over t o vi si t at my home when my
best f r i end was t her e, we al l got a l i t t l e st oned, and he came on t o
her . She t hought he was neat , and di dn' t know I was i nvol ved wi t h hi m,
so t hey st ar t ed necki ng r i ght i n t he mi ddl e of my l i vi ng r oom. Eeeek!
My t hought s went r aci ng as I wat ched t hem, t hi nki ng- wel l i t ' s not l i ke
I want t o mar r y hi m, and I dont t hi nk I f eel l i ke j oi ni ng t hem, and I
dont t hi nk my f r i end i s bi sexual anyway, so what do I do? Amy
Vander bi l t has sai d not hi ng on t he appr opr i at e et i quet t e f or t hi s
si t uat i on. For a whi l e I sat doi ng not hi ng, f r ozen, t o t el l t he t r ut h,
and f i nal l y I t hought t o mysel f . Okay, so t her e' s no scr i pt . I ' l l
have t o make one up. What woul d I be doi ng i f my f r i end and my new
l over wer en' t r ol l i ng ar ound on t he f l oor wi t h t hei r br aces l ocked? I
guessed I ' d be f i ni shi ng t aki ng t he not es f r omt hat Tar ot book I ' m
r eadi ng, so I went upst ai r s and st udi ed, gr i t t i ng my t eet h, but
f ocusi ng on my not es gave me at l east a l i t t l e r el i ef by occupyi ng my
mi nd. Event ual l y t hey l ef t , and I got t hr ough a st r ange and l onel y
ni ght , not f eel i ng necessar i l y gr eat , but at l east pr oud of mysel f t hat
I had sur vi ved. I was par t i cul ar l y pr oud t hat I hadn' t t hr own my soup
at t hem. I f el t not at al l damaged, r eal l y okay. Lat er I got t o t al k
t o my f r i end: our f r i endshi p sur vi ved, t he dat i ng r el at i onshi p di d not ,
whi ch was f i ne by me. What I got a gr i p on was my own st r engt h, so
f unky as i t was, t hi s was my f i r st successf ul r un t hr ough j eal ousy.
GO FOR THE I T
A good Quest i on t o ask your sel f as you seek t o under st and your j eal ousy
i s, " What ar e t he speci f i c i mages t hat di st ur b me t he most ?" Chances
ar e you ar e al r eady i magi ni ng al ong t hese l i nes, so you' r e not l i kel y
t o make your sel f f eel wor se by t hi nki ng about t he scar y st uf f on
pur pose.
Those di st ur bi ng i mages, t he ones t hat r eal l y bot her you, ar e not
t el l i ng you what your par t ner i s doi ng. You act ual l y dont know what
your par t ner i s doi ng. The i mages you see i n your mi nd ar e t he per f ect
r ef l ect i on of your own f ear s. One way t o come t o t er ms wi t h your f ear s
i s t o acknowl edge t hem: " Yes, I ' maf r ai d of t hat . " You can t ake i t
even f ur t her , and wor k t hr ough t he f ear s by envi si oni ng t he wor st
possi bl e scenar i o t hat you can i magi ne. Go ahead, wal l ow i n i t .
El abor at e i t unt i l i t becomes r i di cul ous. Maybe t hat ot her guy has a
di ck t hr ee mi l es l ong, t hat gi r l i s a per f ect r epl i ca of a l i vi ng
Bar bi e dol l . Maybe you can l augh at your f ear s: t hat ' l l t ake t he power
out of t hem.
Pay at t ent i on al so t o your i magi ni ngs t hat ar e l ess danger ous, l ess
anxi et y- r i dden. Thi s i s wher e you f eel saf er . You may be sur pr i sed t o
f i nd t hat i magi ni ng your l over i n t he mi dst of sex wi t h someone el se i s
l ess scar y t han you t hought i t woul d be, or maybe i mages of ki ssi ng
bot her you mor e t han i nt er cour se, or what ever . Tr y wr i t i ng down your
i magi ni ngs on i ndex car ds, t hen put t i ng t hemi n or der f r omt he most t o
t he l east scar y. Then you wi l l know what par t s scar e you t he most , and
what t he saf er - f eel i ng par t s ar e. Now you have a di r ect i on t o t ur n
your mi nd t hat wi l l hel p you f eel a l i t t l e bi t saf er , whi ch i s your
f i r st st ep on t he r oad t o becomi ng per f ect l y comf or t abl e.
Real i t y i s l ess t er r i f yi ng t han f i ct i on. You can count er your f ear s
wi t h r eal i t y t est i ng. Our mi nds, l i ke nat ur e, abhor a vacuum. We get
ner vous. Thi nk of t he l ast t i me you wer e wai t i ng f or someone t o r et ur n
a cal l , or a f ami l y member was si gni f i cant l y l at e comi ng home. I t may
r eassur e you t o know t hat t he Hi ghway Pat r ol i s now comput er i zed, and
r eady t o deal wi t h al l of us who cal l and want t o know i f our bel oved
J oe Bl ow had an acci dent bet ween t her e and her e. We al l do t hi s.
Cat her i ne and her par t ner have an agr eement t o cal l each ot her bef or e
t hey l eave a l over ' s house f or t he t r i p home, j ust t o hel p pr event t hi s
ki nd of wor r y.
When we dont know what ' s goi ng on, f ew of us ar e abl e t o j ust say " I
dont know" and st op t hi nki ng about i t . We f i l l i n t he bl anks, and i n
or der t o do t hat we make somet hi ng up. What you see when you f i l l i n
t he bl anks has not hi ng t o do wi t h r eal i t y- what you see i s your own
wor st f ear . So now you know what you ar e af r ai d of , and not hi ng about
what i s r eal l y happeni ng.
Thi s i s why your aut hor s ar e bi ased i n f avor of f ul l di scl osur e i n f r ee
l ove. We ar e par t i cul ar l y i n f avor of mul t i pl e par t ner s havi ng a
chance t o meet each ot her , or at l east hear about each ot her , t o di spel
our sel f cr eat ed myt hol ogy t hat t hat ot her per son i s younger , t hi nner ,
sexi er , et c. You mi ght be sur pr i sed, when you meet your l over ' s l over ,
t o f i nd t he exper i ence downr i ght r eassur i ng. The t r ut h i s t hat
di f f er ent i ndi vi dual s ar e appl es and or anges, each wi t h f aul t s and
vi r t ues, and each one uni que, whi ch i s why we l i ke t o r el at e t o l ot s of
t hemi n t he f i r st pl ace. Di f f er ence i s wonder f ul , and r emi nd your sel f :
t hi s i s not a cont est , t hi s i s not a r ace. We al l get t o wi n.
r emember t he good st uf f
Make a l i st of ever yt hi ng you val ue about your r el at i onshi p, and put i t
asi de f or a r ai ny day. Be an opt i mi st , t ur n your mi nd t o t he posi t i ve
end of t hi ngs. Val ue what you have, and what you get f r omyour
par t ner ; t he t i me, at t ent i on and l ove t hat he shar es wi t h you, t he good
st uf f t hat f i l l s your cup. Avoi d bei ng t he pessi mi st who f ocuses on
what i s not t her e, t he ener gy t hat goes somewher e el se. That ener gy i s
not subt r act ed f r omwhat you get - r el at i onshi ps ar e not bal anced l i ke
checkbooks. So when you ar e f eel i ng depr i ved, r emember al l t he good
st uf f you get f r omyour par t ner shi p.
shar i ng
You and your par t ner s need t o pr act i ce t al ki ng about j eal ousy. When
you t r y t o pr et end t hat you' r e so per f ect l y enl i ght ened t hat you never
f eel j eal ous, you depr i ve your sel f of t he oppor t uni t y t o wor k wi t h your
f eel i ngs and shar e suppor t wi t h your par t ner . And when you t r y t o
pr ot ect your sel f and your par t ner f r omj eal ousy, you ar e engagi ng i n a
decept i on t hat can onl y l ead t o mor e di st ance, and can never br i ng you
cl oser .
A coupl e we know t el l us t hat t hey have devel oped a convent i on i n t hei r
r el at i onshi p t hat each can ask t he ot her f or what t hey cal l a " j el l y
moment . " I n your j el l y moment , you get t o say what ' s bot her i ng you,
t hat you f eel scar ed and j eal ous, ner vous about sayi ng goodbye f or t he
weekend, smal l and si l l y and your knees ar e f eel i ng l i ke, wel l , j el l y.
The ot her par t ner ' s commi t ment i s t o l i st en, sympat hi ze and val i dat e.
That ' s t he r esponse- not " Okay, I ' l l cancel my dat e wi t h Bl anche, " but
" Aw, honey, I ' msor r y you f eel bad. I l ove you. "
When we t el l our par t ner s t hat we f eel j eal ous, we ar e maki ng our sel ves
vul ner abl e i n a ver y pr of ound way. When our par t ner s r espond wi t h
r espect , l i st en t o us, val i dat e our f eel i ngs, suppor t and r eassur e us,
we f eel bet t er t aken car e of t han we woul d have i f no di f f i cul t y had
ar i sen i n t he f i r st pl ace. So we st r ongl y r ecommend t hat you and your
par t ner s gi ve each ot her t he pr of oundl y bondi ng exper i ence of shar i ng
your vul ner abi l i t i es. We ar e al l human, we ar e al l vul ner abl e, and we
al l need val i dat i on.
r eper t or y dr ama
Your st r at egi es f or sur vi vi ng per i ods of j eal ousy wi l l st and you i n
good st ead f or t he r est of your l i f e, and you wi l l use what you l ear n
about your sel f f r omt hi s pr act i ce over and over . Al l of t he t echni ques
l i st ed above ar e appl i cabl e t o ot her di f f i cul t f eel i ngs, so now you not
onl y have a r eper t oi r e of ways t o deal wi t h bout s of j eal ousy, but al so
t o handl e what ever ot her pai nf ul emot i ons may come your way. So when
you get t hi s f ar , congr at ul at e your sel f . Cel ebr at e your successes:
wr i t e " I ama geni us! " t wo hundr ed t i mes wi t h l ot s of br i ght col or s.
Buy your sel f somet hi ng ni f t y. You' ve done a l ot of har d wor k, and you
deser ve a r ewar d.
A FI NAL NOTE ABOUT LOVE
One r emedy f or t he f ear of not bei ng l oved i s t o r emember how good i t
f eel s t o l ove someone. I f you' r e f eel i ng unl oved and you want t o f eel
bet t er , go l ove someone, and see what happens.
CHAPTER 4. SLUTS I N LOVE
We hear t oo of t en of f ol ks who enj oy a j oyousl y sl ut t y l i f est yl e unt i l
t hey f al l i n l ove. Then, per haps pr odded by cul t ur al messages t hat
l ove must equal mar r i age must equal monogamy, t hey suddenl y skydi ve
i nt o an at t empt at a convent i onal l i f est yl e, of t en wi t h di sast r ous
consequences. At l east one of your aut hor s you can i nser t Cat her i ne' s
r uef ul gr i n her e- i s not i mmune t o t hi s ki nd of pr ogr ammi ng.
Ther e i s no r eason why weddi ng bel l s, or t he equi val ent t her eof , need
t o br eak up t hat ol d gang of your s. Many sl ut s f i nd i t possi bl e t o
combi ne t he commi t t ed st abi l i t y of a l i f e par t ner shi p wi t h t he
mul t i f ar i ous pl easur es of sex and i nt i macy wi t h ot her s.
However , t her e i s no quest i on t hat bei ng a sl ut wi t hi n a commi t t ed
r el at i onshi p has some speci al chal l enges. So much of our cul t ur al
baggage t el l s us t hat commi t ment equal s owner shi p t hat , as t he ol d
bi t t er j oke has i t , a r i ng ar ound t he f i nger equal s a r i ng t hr ough t he
nose. Even peopl e who know bet t er of t en f i nd t hat t hei r expect at i ons
of a commi t t ed r el at i onshi p may i ncl ude t he r i ght t o cont r ol many
aspect s of t hei r par t ner ' s l i ves.
As you can pr obabl y guess, we dont much l i ke t he i dea t hat a
r el at i onshi p commi t ment speci f i es anybody' s r i ght t o anyt hi ng beyond
mut ual r espect and car i ng f or each ot her . Yet once you di vor ce
r omant i c l ove f r omt he concept of owner shi p, what happens? Dossi e' s
par t ner .
who has never been i n an open r el at i onshi p bef or e, was st ar t l ed t o f i nd
t hat many of her ol d habi t s have become i r r el evant : " Why shoul d I
bot her t o l ook f or st r ay hai r s or i nconsi st ent st or i es, t r yi ng t o sni f f
out any t r ace of i nf i del i t y, when I know t hat i f she has sex wi t h
someone el se she' l l si mpl y t el l me about i t ?" Yet t her e ar e st i l l
i ssues of boundar i es, of r esponsi bi l i t y, of cour t esy, t hat over r i de t he
owner shi p i ssue, and must be deal t wi t h.
So, how do t wo sl ut s i n l ove ( or mor e- we' l l wr i t e t hi s chapt er based
on a t wo- par t ner agr eement f or t he sake of si mpl i ci t y, but t he i ssues
i nvol ved come up i n mul t i par t ner ar r angement s as wel l ) bui l d a l i f e
t oget her ?
Our f r i ends Rut h and Edwar d r emember : " We had a monogamous r el at i onshi p
f or about si xt een year s, t hen opened i t up and st ar t ed i nt er act i ng wi t h
ot her peopl e. Now we' r e t r yi ng t o f i gur e out what we' r e comf or t abl e
doi ng wi t h ot her peopl e, and what we want t o r eser ve f or our own
r el at i onshi p. Somet i mes, t he onl y way t o l ocat e t he boundar y of our
comf or t zone i s t o cr oss i t and f eel t he di scomf or t . We t r y t o t ake
smal l st eps, so t hat t he pai n i s mi ni mal . We' r e def i ni t el y commi t t ed
t o each ot her , and ar e each wi l l i ng t o st op doi ng t hi ngs t hat t he ot her
f i nds t hr eat eni ng. "
Most l y, you t ake car e of your own st uf f , r ecogni ze and pr ot ect your
boundar i es, and make agr eement s t o hel p your sel f and your par t ner f eel
saf e but we' ve al r eady t al ked about t hat . Her e ar e some speci al
pr obl ems t hat may come up f or par t ner ed sl ut s.
THE ACCI DENTAL COUPLE
We' ve sai d bef or e t hat each r el at i onshi p seeks i t s own l evel . For some
r el at i onshi ps, t hat ' s a l i f e par t ner shi p, whi ch may i ncl ude shar i ng
l i vi ng space, possessi ons, and so on. Ot her s may t ake ot her f or ms:
occasi onal dat es, f r i endshi ps, ongoi ng r omant i c commi t ment s, and so on.
Yet many f ol ks f i nd t hat t hey' ve got t en i nt o a habi t of l et t i ng t hei r
r el at i onshi ps sl i de i nexor abl y i nt o l i f e par t ner shi p, wi t hout much
t hought or i nt ent on t hei r par t . Wel l - meani ng f r i ends and
acquai nt ances may ai d i n t hi s pr ocess by assumi ng t hat you and your
f r i end ar e a coupl e bef or e you' ve ever deci ded t o become one. I n
addi t i on, many peopl e get coupl ed by acci dent , by vi r t ue of an
unpl anned pr egnancy, an " evi ct i on r omance" wher e one par t ner l oses a
housi ng si t uat i on and moves i n wi t h t he ot her , or si mpl e conveni ence.
Cat her i ne r emember s:
I n my f r eshman year of col l ege, I met a guy I l i ked a l ot - qui et and
shy, but when he sai d anyt hi ng I r eal l y l i ked what he had t o say. Fr ed
and I wound up goi ng out t oget her a coupl e of t i mes, and havi ng sex a
f ew t i mes. When school ended, we wr ot e t o each ot her over t he summer .
Then f al l came and I began l ooki ng ar ound f or a pl ace t o l i ve out si de
t he dor ms. The onl y r oomI coul d f i nd was a doubl e- si zed r oomwhi ch I
coul d onl y af f or d i f I shar ed i t wi t h someone. So I cal l ed Fr ed and
pr oposed t hat we shar e i t , put t i ng up a par t i t i on acr oss t he mi ddl e and
sl eepi ng on separ at e mat t r esses, and he agr eed.
The f i r st ni ght t her e, Fr ed had al r eady got t en hi msel f a mat t r ess, and
I hadn' t yet so I shar ed hi s. Somehow, we never di d get ar ound t o
get t i ng anot her mat t r ess. We wound up l i vi ng t oget her f or a coupl e of
year s, t hen get t i ng mar r i ed. That mi ssi ng mat t r ess l ed t o a f i f t een
year mar r i age and a coupl e of ki ds.
Whi l e we' r e al l f or coupl edomf or peopl e who choose i t , we l i ke t o see
f ol ks make t hei r choi ces a bi t mor e mi ndf ul l y t han t hi s. We suggest
t hat bef or e you l et your sel f sl i de i nt o somet hi ng t hat you dont r eal l y
want , you do some ser i ous t hi nki ng and t al ki ng, al one and t oget her ,
about what i s t he best f or mf or t hi s par t i cul ar r el at i onshi p. Tal k t o
each ot her about what l ove means t o you, and how you f i t i nt o each
ot her ' s l i ves.
You may di scover t hat whi l e you enj oy one anot her ' s company and have
f abul ous sex, your habi t s r egar di ng housi ng, money, possessi ons and so
on ar e wi l dl y i ncompat i bl e. I n such a si t uat i on, you coul d do what
gener at i ons of peopl e have done- move i n t oget her and spend year s
t r yi ng t o change one anot her , get t i ng f r ust r at ed and r esent f ul i n t he
pr ocess. Or you coul d r econsi der some of t he i mpl i ci t assumpt i ons you
have br ought t o t he r el at i onshi p. Do you have t o l i ve t oget her ? Why?
Why not i nst ead enj oy your f r i end f or t he t hi ngs you l i ke about hi m,
and f i nd someone el se wi t h whi ch t o shar e t he ot her t hi ngs? Sl ut hood
means, among ot her t hi ngs, t hat you dont have t o depend on any one
per son t o f ul f i l l al l your desi r es.
I f you know t hat you' r e a per son who t ends t o sl i de i nt o coupl edom, we
suggest spendi ng some ser i ous t i me t r yi ng t o f i gur e out why you' ve
f al l en i nt o t hi s pat t er n and what you hope t o get out of bei ng a
coupl e. I t ' s a ver y good i dea f or ever yone t o l ear n t o l i ve si ngl e - t o
f i gur e out how t o get your needs met wi t hout bei ng par t ner ed, so you
dont f i nd your sel f seeki ng a par t ner t o f i l l needs t hat you ought t o
f i l l your sel f . You mi ght al so consi der exper i ment i ng wi t h some
r el at i onshi ps unl i ke t hose you' ve t r i ed i n t he past - i nst ead of l ooki ng
f or Mr . or Ms. Ri ght , t r y dat i ng some peopl e you l i ke and t r ust but
dont necessar i l y l ove, or maybe l ove i n a qui et er way t han chi l l s
r unni ng up your spi ne.
I n t hi s, as i n j ust about ever yt hi ng el se we' ve t ol d you i n t hi s book,
t he key i s t o bui l d your own sense of i nt er nal secur i t y. I f you l i ke
your sel f , l ove your sel f , and t ake car e of your sel f , your ot her
r el at i onshi ps can ar r ange t hemsel ves ar ound you, as per f ect l y as
cr yst al s. We hope t hat i f and when you get coupl ed, you do i t on
pur pose.
sl ut s i n compet i t i on
One pr obl emt hat of t en ar i ses bet ween par t ner s i s compet i t i on t o be t he
most popul ar , a concer n most of us have car r i ed ar ound i n t he bot t omof
our psyches si nce j uni or hi gh school . Somet i mes par t ner s compet e wi t h
each ot her , t o see who can scor e t he most , or t he most at t r act i ve of
conquest s- an ugl y pi ct ur e.
We cannot r ei t er at e of t en enough: t hi s i s not a cont est , t hi s i s not a
r ace, and no one i s t he pr i ze. One st r at egy t o cut t hr ough any
f eel i ngs of compet i t i veness i s t o pl ay mat chmaker f or each ot her , t o
i nvest your sel f i n your par t ner ' s sexual happi ness as you do i n your
own. Remember t he cl i max of " The Bi g Chi l l , " i n whi ch a woman
char act er set s up her best f r i end wi t h her husband so t hat t he f r i end
coul d have a baby? Cat her i ne r ecal l s meet i ng a new I nt er net
acquai nt ance f or cof f ee, and hear i ng her descr i be a pet sexual f ant asy
t hat was st ar t l i ngl y si mi l ar t o Cat her i ne' s par t ner ' s - Cat her i ne set up
t hei r f i r st dat e f or l at er t hat week.
Dossi e r emember s bei ng out wi t h a l ong- t i me l over of her s when she
not i ced an at t r act i ve per son t r yi ng t o cat ch her eye behi nd her dat e' s
back. As t hey wer e l eavi ng, Dossi e expl ai ned t hi s t o her f r i end, who
had a st r oke of geni us. He st r ode over t he young man i n quest i on, and
wi t h gr eat di gni t y announced, " My l ady woul d l i ke you t o have her phone
number . " Dossi e has made use of t hi s st r at egy r epeat edl y si nce t hen,
and r ecommends i t hi ghl y: t hey al ways cal l !
cr ushes
We have poi nt ed out bef or e t hat i t i s i mpossi bl e f or anyone t o pr edi ct
what dept h of f eel i ng may pot ent i al l y exi st i n any sexual r el at i onshi p.
Many peopl e new t o open r el at i onshi ps t r y t o l i mi t out si de sexual
encount er s t o a casual , r ecr eat i onal l evel t o avoi d t he t er r i f yi ng
spect er of seei ng your par t ner i n l ove wi t h, or at l east cr ushed out
on, anot her . And i t i s t r ue t hat somet i mes an out si de r el at i onshi p
wi l l t hr eat en t o become pr i mar y and suppl ant t he exi st i ng par t ner , and
when t hi s happens ever yone i nvol ved wi l l f eel hor r i bl e, par t i cul ar l y
t he per son who may l ose hi s par t ner shi p. Especi al l y when t hat per son
has st r uggl ed t o own t hei r j eal ousy, and wor ked har d on hi s f ear s of
abandonment , onl y t o f i nd hi msel f act ual l y abandoned and l ef t out i n
t he col d.
I t i s not possi bl e t o pr edi ct when or wi t h whoma cr ush, or any ot her
deepeni ng of f eel i ngs, mi ght happen. We cer t ai nl y do not want t o dr aw
t he boundar i es of our agr eement s so t i ght l y t hat we excl ude ever ybody
we l i ke. Ther e i s no r ul e t hat wi l l pr ot ect us f r omour own emot i ons,
so we need t o l ook beyond r ul es f or sol ut i ons and f or a sense of
secur i t y.
I t can hel p t o do a r eal i t y check on your f ant asi es and expect at i ons.
New r el at i onshi ps ar e of t en exci t i ng because t hey ar e new, gl owi ng wi t h
sexual ar ousal , and t oo new t o have uncover ed t he i nevi t abl e conf l i ct s
and di st ur bances t hat come wi t h t r ue i nt i macy over t i me. Ever y
r el at i onshi p has a honeymoon phase, and i t i s a t r ue, i f t r agi c, f act
of l i f e t hat t he honeymoon cannot l ast f or ever . When we r ef use t o
f i gur e t hi s out , we can wi nd up f l yi ng f r ompar t ner t o par t ner , al ways
i magi ni ng t hat t he next par t ner wi l l be t he per f ect one. We may never
st ay wi t h anyone l ong enough t o di scover t he deeper i nt i macy and
pr of ound secur i t y t hat comes wi t h conf r ont i ng, st r uggl i ng wi t h, and
conquer i ng t he har d par t s of i nt i macy t oget her . Our f r i end Car ol
wi sel y not es:
Sexual t i me i s connect ed wi t h i nt i mat e t i me f or most of us; we come t o
depend on our par t ner s f or var i ous ki nds of emot i onal suppor t . So we
get i nt o t hi s pat t er n wher e we shar e al l our har d emot i onal un- sexy
needs - al l t he wor k of l i vi ng t oget her , t he si ckness and heal t h, r i cher
and poor er st uf f - wi t h our l i f e par t ner , and we' r e on our " best
behavi or " wi t h our ot her par t ner s. I t can be i mpor t ant t o r emember
t hat , whi l e you may be t r adi ng away some of t hat j ui cy exci t ement of a
br and- new unknown par t ner , t he i nt i macy you get i n r et ur n i s val uabl e
t oo, and you can' t have t hat wi t h a per son you met t wo weeks ago. The
t r i ck i s t o f i nd a way t o mani f est bot h possi bi l i t i es- t he i nt i macy of
shar i ng and t he heat of novel t y- i n your own l i f e.
Remember , pl ease, t hat f ant asy i s not r eal i t y, and enj oy your f ant asi es
whi l e you mai nt ai n your commi t ment s. When your expect at i on i s t hat a
cr ush i s a br i ef , i f wonder f ul , exper i ence, you and your par t ner can
l i ve t hr ough one wi t h r el at i ve equani mi t y, and mor e i mpor t ant , wi t hout
dest r oyi ng your l ong t er mst abi l i t y and l ove wi t h each ot her .
r el at i ng t o t hi r d par t i es
Your r el at i onshi p wi t h your l over ' s l over s br i ngs up poi nt s of
et i quet t e t hat Mi ss Manner s never dr eamed of . One coupl e we t al ked t o
not ed.
" I t ' s i mpor t ant t hat we not be t ot al l y gr ossed out or di sgust ed by
one anot her ' s l over s- especi al l y i f i t ' s goi ng t o be l ong t er m, i t
hel ps i f we can al l be f r i ends. "
Dossi e has a st or y t o t el l about t hi s.
I was once i n a r el at i onshi p wi t h a man who had a pr i mar y par t ner whom
I had not met . I had asked t o meet her , and she was consi der i ng i f she
f el t saf e enough t o do t hat . Thei r ar r angement was t hat when Pat r i ck
had a dat e wi t h me, Loui sa woul d make a dat e wi t h her ot her l over , and
ever ybody woul d, hopef ul l y, f eel saf e and t aken car e of . Unf or t unat el y,
Loui sa' s ot her l over f r equent l y st ood her up, and t hen Pat r i ck woul d
st and me up, whi ch I began t o f i nd unaccept abl e. Thi s was t he f i r st
t i me I had asser t ed any r i ght t o consi der at i on of me as t he out si de
l over - we ar e so used t o seei ng t he out si der as t he home wr ecker t hat
we r ar el y t hi nk t o pr ot ect t hat per son' s f eel i ngs. Wi t h much back and
f or t h, and t he pr omi sed meet i ng, Loui sa f i nal l y agr eed t hat Pat r i ck
coul d see me whet her or not she had a dat e, and we woul d make sur e t hat
she got pl ent y of advance not i ce, t hat he got home on t i me, and t hat
she got l ot s of suppor t f r ombot h of us. As we wor ked t hr ough t hi s.
Loui sa and I got cl oser and cl oser par t i cul ar l y r emember one ni ght when
we wer e wor r i ed about Pat r i ck, and sat up l at e t al ki ng about hi mwhi l e
he sl ept i n t he next r oom. Loui sa and I became best f r i ends and went
i nt o busi ness t oget her , put t i ng on wor kshops and t heat er
pr esent at i ons.
We al l t hr ee t r avel ed t oget her , and had a wonder f ul t i me.
Pat r i ck and I wound up gr owi ng apar t as l over s, but t he f r i endshi p
bet ween me and Loui sa car r i ed on. What was i mpor t ant f or me i s t hat
when we al l owed our sel ves t o det er mi ne what boundar i es f i t f or us at
any gi ven t i me, t hat f r eed us up t o evol ve t hr ough a ser i es of changi ng
r el at i onshi ps t hat made us cl ose f ami l y f or many year s. Shoul d you
meet t he " t hi r d par t y" ? We vot e yes: i f you dont , you' l l al most
cer t ai nl y wi nd up i magi ni ng someone cut er , sexi er , mor e pr edat or y and
mor e t hr eat eni ng t han anyone coul d be out si de a Hol l ywood er ot i c
t hr i l l er . Besi des, who knows? you mi ght wi nd up l i ki ng hi m. Some of
our best f r i ends ar e peopl e we met because someone we wer e f ucki ng was
f ucki ng t hemt oo. Cat her i ne and her par t ner ' s commi t ment cer emony was
per f or med by a pr i est ess who had f i r st been a l over of her par t ner ' s,
and l at er a l over and cl ose f r i end of Cat her i ne' s. I f you ar e gay or
bi sexual , you may, as Cat her i ne di d, f i nd your sel f consi der i ng f or mi ng
a l i ai son wi t h t hi s per son your sel f - we t al ked t o one woman whose f i r st
exper i ence wi t h open r el at i onshi ps t ook pl ace when her gi r l f r i end was
f ucki ng anot her woman, and our f r i end wound up f al l i ng i n l ove wi t h t he
ot her woman. ( " My gi r l f r i end got ki nd of cr anky about t hi s, " she
r emember s wr yl y. " We' r e al l t i ght f ami l y now, but i t t ook a decade t o
get her e. " ) We suggest a f ew moment s of soul sear chi ng t o make sur e
your mot i vat i on i s l ovi ng or l ust f ul r at her t han vengef ul or
compet i t i ve t hen, i f you " t est cl ean, " go f or i t . I t ' s r eal l y not t oo
sur pr i si ng t hat you l i ke t he same peopl e your par t ner l i kes, and mut ual
at t r act i ons l i ke t hese can f or mt he nucl eus of a l ong- l ast i ng and ver y
r ewar di ng l i t t l e t r i be.
On t he ot her hand, we somet i mes see sl ut s who f eel l i ke t hey have t o be
sexual wi t h t hei r l over ' s l over s. I n some cases, bot h par t i es i n a
par t ner shi p have an agr eement onl y t o pl ay wi t h a t hi r d par t y t oget her .
Such agr eement s r equi r e t hat bot h par t ner s have " vet o power " over
pot ent i al t hi r ds bei ng sexual wi t h someone who you f i nd unat t r act i ve or
unpl easant i s a ver y bad i dea f or you and f or t hem. On t he ot her hand,
basi c sl ut et hi cs shoul d not al l ow you t o abuse t hi s power t o pr event
your par t ner f r omhavi ng sex wi t h anyone at al l by vet oi ng ever ybody: a
st r at egy whi ch may seemt empt i ng, because unt i l you unl ear n j eal ousy,
al l out si de engagement s can l ook ver y t hr eat eni ng. Somet i mes you need
t o gat her up your st r engt h, f ace down your f ear s, and unl ear n by
doi ng.
Or you may si mpl y f eel t hat si nce your par t ner l i kes and l ust s af t er
t hi s per son so much, you shoul d t oo- t o assuage your par t ner ' s gui l t ,
t o conf i r mher excel l ent t ast e, or t o sat i sf y some obscur e sense of
f ai r ness. Pl ease dont . I f you si mpl y dont f eel hot f or t hi s per son,
dont l et your sel f be dr i ven i nt o a posi t i on wher e you f eel you have t o
f uck out of pol i t eness: t her e ar e many ot her excel l ent ways f or peopl e
t o r el at e t o one anot her . Cook her a ni ce di nner , go t o t he movi es
wi t h her , pl ay car ds t oget her , or f i nd some ot her way t o hel p her f eel
accept ed i nt o your l i f e.
Whi ch br i ngs up an i mpor t ant quest i on: how much r esponsi bi l i t y do you
have f or hel pi ng your l over ' s l over s f eel secur e and wel come?
Cat her i ne has spent many l ong t el ephone conver sat i ons r eassur i ng her
par t ner ' s l over s t hat , yes, i t ' s r eal l y okay wi t h her , and have a gr eat
t i me, honey. We t hi nk t hat your own needs shoul d be of pr i mar y
i mpor t ance t o you, and i f you r eal l y j ust can' t be wel comi ng and
suppor t i ve t hen you shoul dn' t . On t he ot her hand, we al so t hi nk i t ' s
gr aci ous t o be as f r i endl y as you can wi t hout havi ng t o gr i t your t eet h
and f or ce a smi l e. At mi ni mum, we suggest t hat you at l east t r y t o
pr ovi de some r eassur ance t hat t hi s i s not a compet i t i on, t hat you ar e
not bei ng har med by anyt hi ng t hat ' s goi ng on, and t hat you ar e abl e t o
t ake car e of your own emot i ons- i n ot her wor ds, a pr omi se t o own your
own st uf f and not bl ame t he t hi r d par t y. Af t er al l , he' s doi ng t hi s
because he f eel s t he same way you do- t hat your par t ner i s t he hot t est
t hi ng on l egs- and not because he want s t o dest r oy your l i f e.
Af t er t he cr ush i s over , some peopl e wi l l f i nd a l ong t er mpl ace i n
your l i f e, of t en unexpect ed, l i ke t he l over who has become your ki d' s
f avor i t e uncl e, or your par t ner ' s busi ness par t ner . Ot her s may l eave,
and when t hey l eave wi t h war mf eel i ngs, t hey may come back agai n i n t he
f ut ur e, when once agai n t her e i s a pl ace f or t hemi n your l i f e, or f or
you i n t hei r s. Thus t he i nf i ni t el y connect ed pol yamor ous sl ut bui l ds
hi s web of ext ended f ami l i es and t r i bes. And we f eel t her e i s some
t r ut h i n t he not i on t hat a f ami l y of l over s cannot f ai l .
Some ver y capabl e sl ut s mai nt ai n mor e t han one pr i mar y r el at i onshi p.
Dossi e has known one such coupl e, Rober t and Cel i a, f or t went y- f i ve
year s. They have been mar r i ed t went y- f our year s, and have t oget her
r ai sed t wo chi l dr en f r ompr evi ous r el at i onshi ps. Each has anot her
pr i mar y par t ner , bot h usual l y women, and f ami l y r el at i onshi ps wi t h al l
t hei r exes. Rober t ' s out si de par t ner May was or i gi nal l y l over t o
Cel i a' s l over J udy back i n 1985, t hen became l over s wi t h Cel i a, and
f i nal l y wi t h Rober t f r om1988 t o t he pr esent , and, t hey i nt end, on i nt o
t he f ut ur e. Some year s ago Mi r anda and Cel i a l i ved upst ai r s, and
Rober t and May l i ved downst ai r s. Cur r ent l y Cher yl , anot her of Cel i a' s
pr evi ous gi r l f r i ends, l i ves upst ai r s and hel ps wi t h t he gr andchi l dr en;
Mi r anda, anot her of Cel i a' s exes, vi si t s t wo days a week si nce she
l i ves out of t own but at t ends school near by. Al l of t hese peopl e, pl us
many ot her f r i ends and l over s of var i ous degr ees of i nt i macy, bot h
pr esent and hi st or i cal , and most of t hei r f r i ends and l over s, f or ma
ver y l ong- t er mext ended f ami l y t hat has l i ved, l oved and r ai sed
chi l dr en t oget her f or al most t hi r t y year s, and pl an t o car e f or one
anot her i n t hei r ol d age. We ar e i mpr essed.
The Ebb and Fl ow of Rel at i onshi ps
We obser ve, wi t h much del i ght , t he number of our ol d l over s we count
among our pr esent f r i ends, and how sexual r el at i onshi ps can devel op
i nt o f ami l y member shi ps. Ther e i s a r eal i t y l i mi t her e- you onl y have
t went y- f our hour s a day t o devot e t o your l ove l i f e, and pr esumabl y you
need some of t hose hour s f or wor k and sl eep and so on, so you have a
f i ni t e amount of t i me t o devot e t o each of your l over s. You can onl y
f i t a cer t ai n number of peopl e i n your l i f e and expect t o do any of
t hemj ust i ce.
We f i nd t hat most peopl e do okay l et t i ng t hei r par t ner s come and go as
i t f eel s r i ght f or each of t hem. Ext ended f ami l y sexual r el at i onshi ps
ar e mor e l i kel y t o gr ow apar t t han t o br eak up. One of t he ver y
wonder f ul t hi ngs about bui l di ng sexual f r i endshi ps i s t hat , whi l e past
r el at i onshi ps and smal l er af f ai r s may come and go over t he year s, each
pai r i ng has i t s own char act er i st i c and uni que i nt i macy. You cr eat e
t hi s i nt i macy t he way you l ear n t o r i de a bi ke- by t r i al and er r or ,
sl i ppi ng and f al l i ng, and ul t i mat el y zoomi ng al ong t oget her . J ust l i ke
r i di ng a bi ke, you' l l never f or get t hi s par t i cul ar i nt i macy, or your
own r ol e i n i t . Even af t er t he most bi t t er of separ at i ons, when
conf l i ct i s cl ear ed and t i me has heal ed t he wounds, you may f i nd t hat
you can sl i p t hat connect i on r i ght back on, l i ke a comf or t abl e ol d
gl ove.
On t he ot her hand, somet i mes conf l i ct i n an i nt i mat e r el at i onshi p goes
on so l ong, or seems so i mpossi bl e t o r esol ve, t hat i t t hr eat ens t he
ver y f oundat i on of t hat r el at i onshi p. We hope you wi l l br i ng t he same
hi gh l evel of et hi cs and concer n t o a conf l i ct ed r el at i onshi p t hat you
br ought t o a happy one.
I t i s al ways t empt i ng t o r espond t o a maj or r el at i onshi p conf l i ct by
assi gni ng bl ame. I n chi l dhood we l ear n t hat pai n, i n t he f or mof
puni shment f r omour al l - power f ul par ent s, i s t he consequence of doi ng
somet hi ng wr ong. So when we hur t , we t r y t o make sense of i t by
f i ndi ng somebody doi ng somet hi ng wr ong, pr ef er abl y somebody el se. We
have di scussed t he di sempower ment of bl ami ng bef or e. What i s i mpor t ant
t o r emember i s t hat most r el at i onshi ps br eak up because t he par t ner s
ar e unhappy wi t h each ot her , and no one i s t o bl ame: not you, not your
par t ner , and not your par t ner ' s l over . Even i f someone act ed badl y, or
was di shonest , your pr i mar y r el at i onshi p pr obabl y i sn' t f al l i ng apar t
f or t hat r eason- r el at i onshi ps t end t o end due t o t hei r own i nt er nal
st r esses. Even your aut hor s have t r oubl e r emember i ng t hi s when we ar e
i n t he mi ddl e of a bi t t er br eakup.
When you f i nd your sel f bl ami ng a l ot , i t may hel p t o r emember a t r ui sm
of r el at i onshi p counsel i ng: t he " cl i ent " i s t he r el at i onshi p i t sel f ,
not ei t her of t he peopl e i n i t . I f you st ar t l ooki ng at conf l i ct s,
pr obl ems and so on as pr obl ems of t he r el at i onshi p, i nst ead of t r yi ng
t o deci de whose f aul t t hey ar e, you have t aken an i mpor t ant f i r st st ep
i n sol vi ng t hem.
Tr adi t i onal l y i n t hi s cul t ur e, women of t en bear t he bur den of bei ng
r esponsi bl e f or ever ybody' s emot i onal wel l - bei ng. A woman' s i nabi l i t y
t o magi cal l y make pai n and t r oubl e di sappear i s r ar el y at t he hear t of
a r el at i onshi p conf l i ct , al t hough she may f eel as gui l t y and i nadequat e
as i f i t wer e. I n t hi s pat t er n, one par t ner t akes t oo much
r esponsi bi l i t y f or t he pr obl em, so i t becomes i mpor t ant t o di st i ngui sh
what each par t ner ' s r esponsi bi l i t i es ar e.
On t he ot her hand, i t ' s al so common f or one par t ner t o t ake t oo l i t t l e
r esponsi bi l i t y. Women ( and somet i mes men) who have a l ot of t hei r
sel f - est eemconnect ed t o t hei r abi l i t y t o mai nt ai n a r el at i onshi p may
f eel t he need t o make t hei r par t ner i nt o t he " vi l l ai n, " i n or der t o
j ust i f y t hei r own desi r e t o l eave. Thi s st r at egy i s unf ai r t o bot h of
you: i t gi ves t he " vi l l ai n" al l t he power i n t he r el at i onshi p, and
di sempower s t he " vi ct i m" : deci di ng t hat you have no choi ce but t o l eave
because your par t ner i s so hor r i bl e i s denyi ng t he f act t hat t her e ar e
al ways choi ces. Our exper i ence i s t hat r el at i onshi p t r oubl es ar e
al most al ways t wo- si ded: i f you can acknowl edge your own cont r i but i on
t o t he pr obl em, you can wor k t owar d sol vi ng i t .
We shoul d not e her e, however , t hat i f your r el at i onshi p pr obl ems
i ncl ude anybody bei ng physi cal l y vi ol ent , or emot i onal l y or ver bal l y
abusi ve, i t ' s not t i me t o waf f l e over whose f aul t i t i s- i t ' s t i me t o
get pr of essi onal hel p i n l ear ni ng t o r esol ve conf l i ct i n a
nondest r uct i ve manner . The Resour ce Gui de i n t he back of t hi s book
wi l l t el l you how t o get i n t ouch wi t h gr oups i n your ar ea t hat hel p
bot h bat t er ed and bat t er i ng par t ner s.
br eaki ng up
I t happens. Good r el at i onshi p ski l l s and hi gh et hi cs dont mean you get
t o be wi t h t he same par t ner or par t ner s f or ever and ever . I t i s our
exper i ence t hat r el at i onshi ps change, peopl e gr ow out of t hem, peopl e
change. They may acqui r e new desi r es, new dr eams. Some br eakups
The t en gr eat l i es of sl ut hood ( A t ongue- i n- cheek gui de) .
I never get j eal ous.
Fucki ng ot her peopl e doesn' t di mi ni sh my sexual f r equency WI TH MY
PRI MARY PARTNER.
I ' d st op t hi s i f she r eal l y want ed me t o.
I al ways t el l t he compl et e t r ut h about my out si de par t ner s.
I ' mnever t empt ed t o l eave my pr i mar y f or one of my ot her par t ner s.
We never compet e f or t he same per son.
Nobody' s keepi ng scor e her e.
I dont mi nd i f t hey use our bed, our car , our sex t oys.
We al ways pl an ever yt hi ng i n advance.
Ther e' s not hi ng t o be upset about .
I n our own l i ves, as we l ook back wi t h 20- 20 hi ndsi ght , wer e act ual l y
const r uct i ve moves t owar d per sonal gr owt h and a heal t hi er l i f e f or each
of us. At t he t i me, however , we j ust f el t awf ul .
When a t r adi t i onal mar r i age br eaks up, nobody t akes t hat as evi dence
t hat monogamy doesn' t wor k- so why do peopl e f eel compel l ed t o t ake a
sl ut s' br eakup as evi dence t hat f r ee l ove i s i mpossi bl e? Your br eakup
may be f or r easons ent i r el y unr el at ed t o t he openness of your
r el at i onshi p. At any r at e, i t pr obabl y i sn' t evi dence t hat you ar en' t
meant t o be a sl ut : we suspect you woul dn' t have done al l t he har d wor k
i t t akes t o l i ve t hi s way i f you hadn' t had a st r ong desi r e f or sl ut
hood i n t he f i r st pl ace.
I t ' s i mpor t ant t o r emember t hat a br eakup i sn' t necessar i l y t he end of
a r el at i onshi p- i t may be, i nst ead, a shi f t t o a di f f er ent ki nd of
r el at i onshi p, possi bl y a r el at i onshi p bet ween cour t eous acquai nt ances,
or f r i ends, or maybe even l over s. One of t he ni ce t hi ngs about bei ng
an et hi cal sl ut i s t hat your r el at i onshi ps become non- bi nar y; you may
have as many ways of r el at i ng t o your f r i ends and l over s as you have
f r i ends and l over s. Dossi e r emember s:
I dat ed Bi l l f or such a l ong t i me- a year and a hal f - t hat by t he t i me
I announced t o our f r i ends t hat we wer e of f i ci al l y a coupl e, ever ybody
l aughed at me: bi g news, ha ha. We moved i n t oget her , and t hat l ast ed
f or al l of si x mont hs bef or e we bl ew up i n a massi ve f i ght and
separ at ed. I t was a year bef or e we coul d be ar ound each ot her much,
but t hen we st ar t ed havi ng sex agai n, because our sex t oget her had
al ways been r eal l y hot . And we wound up get t i ng t oget her once a mont h
or so f or f ul l y ni ne year s as good f r i ends, cont i nui ng t o have t he same
wonder f ul st eamy sex t hat had br ought us t oget her i n t he f i r st pl ace.
When a r el at i onshi p shi f t s dr amat i cal l y, i t ' s gr eat i f ever ybody f eel s
cal menough t o separ at e wi t h af f ect i on and equani mi t y. But al l t oo
of t en, par t ner shi ps br eak up, di vor ce happens, i n a har sh way, wi t h
pai nf ul , angr y, hur t and bi t t er f eel i ngs. Gr i ef at l osi ng a
r el at i onshi p t hat we had count ed on cut s deep, and whi l e we ar e goi ng
t hr ough t he hur t f ul pr ocess of an unwel come separ at i on, none of us ar e
at our best .
A t ypi cal gr i ef pr ocess t akes about t hr ee mont hs t o get past t he acut e
phase. What t hat means i s t hat f eel i ngs of gr i ef , l oss, abandonment ,
anger , r esent ment and what - have- you t hat ar e over whel mi ng or
i nt ol er abl e t oday wi l l pr obabl y seemsad but manageabl e t hr ee mont hs
f r omnow. A usef ul r ul e of t humb i s t hat as t he f eel i ngs di e down,
i t ' s a good t i me t o get back i nt o communi cat i on wi t h your ex- have some
cof f ee or go t o a movi e or some such. I t woul d be a shame not t o come
out of t hi s br eakup wi t h at l east a f r i endshi p, af t er al l you' ve
shar ed.
WHO GETS THE FRI ENDS?
One of t he j oyous consequences of open sexual l i f est yl es i s t hat
ever ybody t ends t o get i nt er connect ed i n an ext ended f ami l y, sexual
ci r cl e or t r i be. When a coupl e br eaks up wi t h l ot s of pai n, t hen t he
whol e ci r cl e i s af f ect ed. For t he peopl e i n pai n, i t can f eel l i ke
t her e i s no pr i vacy. Your f r i ends and ot her l over s may be f ul l of
t hei r own i deas about who done who wr ong. I t hur t s t hemwhen t hey f eel
your pai n, so t he ent i r e ci r cl e may st ar t l ooki ng f or someone t o
bl ame.
Et hi cal l y speaki ng, t he separ at i ng coupl e has some r esponsi bi l i t y
t owar d t hei r i nt i mat e ci r cl e, and t he ci r cl e has some r esponsi bi l i t y
t owar d t he er st whi l e coupl e. The member s of t he coupl e shoul d r ef r ai n
f r omt r yi ng t o spl i t t he communi t y. Thi s means you dont demand t hat
al l your f r i ends sever what ever f r i endshi ps t hey may have wi t h your ex,
and t hat you dont di vi de your communi t y up i nt o t hose who ar e on your
si de and t hose who ar e agai nst you by vi r t ue of who cont i nues t o speak
t o your unspeakabl e ex.
Pr i vacy i s a t ouchy i ssue her e, because no one l i kes t he consequences
of gossi p r un amok- but we al l need a conf i dant t o t el l our t r oubl es
t o, especi al l y i n har d t i mes. Somet i mes separ at i ng coupl es can make
agr eement s about who i t ' s okay t o t al k about pr i vat e mat t er s wi t h, and
who we woul d r at her not have f ami l i ar i zed wi t h our di r t y l i nen. Ot her
t i mes, no agr eement i s r eached, and t he chi ps f al l wher e t hey may.
I f you f eel t hat you and your ex shoul d not be at t he same par t i es f or
a whi l e, you need t o wor k t hat out wi t h each ot her , and not wi nd up
scr eami ng at your host f or havi ng i nvi t ed bot h of you t o t he same
event . I t i s par t i cul ar l y unet hi cal t o cal l up t he host of a cer t ai n
par t y and ask t hemt o di si nvi t e your ex, or bl ackmai l t hemby t el l i ng
t hemt hat you won' t come i f your ex i s i nvi t ed. Thi s const i t ut es
f oi st i ng your wor k of f on your f r i ends. I t i s your t ask t o set your
boundar i es, t o make agr eement s wi t h your ex, and, i f you f i nd your sel f
f eel i ng bad i n any pl ace wher e your ex i s al so soci al i zi ng, t hen i t i s
your deci si on whet her t o st ay or l eave. We r ecommend t hat you make
your deci si on t o st ay or l eave accor di ng t o your own comf or t , or
di scomf or t , l evel , r at her t han t r yi ng t o cont r ol someone el se' s
behavi or . And i f you wi nd up deci di ng t hat you want t o at t end t hi s
event so much t hat you wi l l j ust have t o deal wi t h your ex' s pr esence,
al l t o t he bet t er : you wi l l get some pr act i ce at shar i ng soci al space
wi t h your ex, whi ch you ar e goi ng t o need t o do event ual l y unl ess one
of you moves t o Ti mbukt u. And event ual l y you wi l l get good at deal i ng
wi t h your f eel i ngs about your ex, and wi t h pr act i ce al l of t hi s wi l l
hur t l ess, and you wi l l be cl oser t o achi evi ng r esol ut i on and even
possi bl y f r i endshi p af t er a bi t t er br eakup.
Your ci r cl e of f r i ends and f ami l y i s r esponsi bl e f or not get t i ng spl i t ,
f or l i st eni ng wi t hout j udgi ng, and f or under st andi ng t hat al l of us
t hi nk har sh t hought s whi l e we ar e br eaki ng up. Val i dat e how bad your
f r i end f eel s and t ake any condemnat i ons wi t h a gr ai n of sal t . The
except i on t o t hi s r ul e occur s when a br eakup i s based on t he r evel at i on
of ser i ous i ssues, l i ke domest i c vi ol ence or dest r uct i ve subst ance
abuse: t her e ar e no easy answer s her e, because a ci r cl e of sexual
par t ner s r eal l y does need t o make j udgment s about t hese t hi ngs. But
most of t he t i me, t he accusat i ons ar e about what a t hought l ess,
sel f i sh, i nsensi t i ve, bi t chy, di shonest , mani pul at i ve,
passi ve- aggr essi ve, r ude and st upi d oaf t hat ex- par t ner i s; we have al l
been al l of t hese at some t i me or anot her , so we shoul d be abl e t o
under st and and f or gi ve.
Whi l e br eakups ar e ver y har d f or al l concer ned, and whi l e we under st and
t hat you may f eel ver y angr y, sad, abandoned, or i l l - t r eat ed f or a
whi l e, we i mpl or e you t o r emember t hat your soon- t o- be ex- par t ner i s
st i l l t he same t er r i f i c per son you used t o l ove, and t o bur n no
br i dges. Cat her i ne says:
Af t er our br eakup, my ex- husband was ver y angr y wi t h me and pr et t y
depr essed, and I f el t ver y gui l t y. St i l l , f or t he sake of t he ki ds of
whomwe had j oi nt cust ody, we made a poi nt of st ayi ng on ci vi l t er ms.
Now, ei ght year s l at er , I count hi mamong my best f r i ends: we st i l l
swap mur der myst er i es, shar e poet r y, and t al k on t he phone f or hour s.
I f we' d been awf ul t o one anot her back when t hi ngs wer e r aw and
di f f i cul t , I dont t hi nk we' d be abl e t o be on such good t er ms t oday,
and we' d bot h have mi ssed out on a ver y i mpor t ant and r ewar di ng
f r i endshi p.
CHAPTER 5. CONFLI CT
I nt i macy i s based on shar ed vul ner abi l i t y. Wr i t e t hi s on your bat hr oom
mi r r or . We' l l never di scount al l t he wonder f ul t hi ngs t hat we get f r om
shar i ng l ove, l aught er , happi ness and such, but not hi ng deepens
i nt i macy l i ke t he exper i ences t hat we shar e when we f eel f l ayed, wi t h
our ski ns of f , scar ed and vul ner abl e, and our par t ner i s t her e wi t h us,
wi l l i ng t o shar e i n t he scar y st uf f . These ar e t he t i mes t hat br i ng us
t he cl osest t oget her .
what ' s i n i t f or you?
Some peopl e f i nd i t sur pr i si ng t o l ear n t hat a sl ut can exper i ence
over whel mi ng i nsecur i t i es, but t he t r ut h i s t hat sl ut s ar e j ust as
ner vous as anyone el se, and ski l l s t o deal wi t h our anxi et i es wer e not
t aught us i n our cr adl es.
Your f r eedommi ght t ur n out t o be a l ot easi er t o accept t han your
par t ner ' s. I t cer t ai nl y does not f ol l ow t hat j ust because we can dat e
ot her s wi t h equani mi t y t hat we wi l l be equal l y cal mwhen our par t ner
does so. Goi ng out and st ayi ng home ar e separ at e f unct i ons, l i ke
cooki ng and eat i ng, each wi t h i t s own r ewar ds, and each r equi r es
speci f i c ski l l s t o accompl i sh.
When pr obl ems ar i se, a good quest i on t o ask your sel f i s " What amI
hopi ng t o get out of t hi s si t uat i on?" Why ar e you doi ng al l t hi s har d
wor k t o become a sl ut ? The answer depends on your own i ndi vi dual
si t uat i on, but f or many of us, t he payof f i s our own f r eedom- and we
have t o l ear n t o gi ve f r eedomt o our par t ner s i f we' r e goi ng t o get i t
f or our sel ves.
Fi ght i ng Fai r
Thi nki ng about how i nt i macy and bondi ng i s cement ed by shar i ng
vul ner abl e f eel i ngs br i ngs us t o per haps t he ul t i mat e act of i nt i macy:
f i ght i ng. Many peopl e bel i eve t hat f i ght i ng bet ween par t ner s i s t o be
avoi ded at al l cost s, but most r el at i onshi p t her api st s woul d di sagr ee.
Fi ght s bet ween par t ner s appear t o be a uni ver sal exper i ence; not many
peopl e act ual l y enj oy t hem, but t hey seemt o be necessar y, a
const r uct i ve el ement i n t he bui l di ng of sol i d r el at i onshi ps. Onl y by
f i ght i ng can par t ner s st r uggl e wi t h t hei r di sagr eement s and expr ess
t hei r most hear t f el t f eel i ngs.
Ther e has t o be a way t o communi cat e anger i n a l ong- t er mr el at i onshi p,
and t her e has t o be a way t o st r uggl e wi t h di sagr eement s. How many
t i mes have you had a bi t t er ar gument wi t h your par t ner , and when i t was
over , f el t cl oser t han you had bef or e?
So t he pr obl em, as we see i t , i s not t o avoi d f i ght i ng but t o l ear n t o
f i ght i n ways t hat ar e not dest r uct i ve: physi cal l y, mor al l y or
emot i onal l y. A good f i ght i s ver y di f f er ent f r omabuse i n a good cl ean
f i ght , t her e i s r espect f or saf et y and mut ual i t y so t hat bot h peopl e
get t o expr ess t hei r f eel i ngs at f ul l vol ume, and come out t he ot her
end st r onger and cl oser t han bef or e- bonded by f i r e, as i t wer e.
The concept of " Fai r Fi ght i ng" was f i r st expounded by Dr . Geor ge R.
Bach i n hi s wonder f ul 1968 book, " The I nt i mat e Enemy: How t o Fi ght Fai r
i n Love and Mar r i age. " We st r ongl y r ecommend t hat you r ead t hi s book,
even t hough i t i s dat ed and het er o sexi st and even t hough t he aut hor s
admi t t hat t hey haven' t even t r i ed t o conquer j eal ousy. They t hi nk
j eal ousy i s t oo har d f or t hem- maybe t hey' l l r ead t hi s book. But t he
mat er i al on communi cat i on, and t he det ai l ed descr i pt i ons of how you can
l ear n t o shar e your anger wi t h your par t ner i n a const r uct i ve way, i s
pr i cel ess. Thi s book i s a cl assi c.
wi n- wi n sol ut i ons
A good f i ght st ar t s wi t h t he under st andi ng t hat i n or der f or a f i ght t o
be successf ul , bot h peopl e have t o wi n. I f one per son wi ns a f i ght and
t he ot her l oses, t he pr obl emcausi ng t he f i ght has not been r esol ved.
I t i s nai ve t o i magi ne t hat t he per son who " l ost " has gi ven up t hei r
i nt er est i n what ever i ssue i s at st ake. And when t hey f eel
over power ed, out gunned, or shout ed down, t hey wi l l be r esent f ul , and
t he pr obl emwi l l go on bei ng a pr obl em. The onl y r eal way t o wi n i s t o
come t o a sol ut i on wher e al l par t i es concer ned f eel t hat t hey have won.
So i n a good cl ean f i ght , ever ybody' s f eel i ngs get hear d and
consi der ed, and sol ut i ons ar e deci ded on by agr eement , not bul l yi ng.
We make a f i ght f ai r by agr eei ng on r ul es and l i mi t s, by r espect i ng
ot her peopl e' s r i ght t o t hei r f eel i ngs and opi ni ons whi l e we ar e
expr essi ng our own. I t i s usual l y hel pf ul t o schedul e a t i me t o f i ght ,
and make an agr eement t o do soi t does not pr omot e f ai r f i ght i ng i f we
wayl ay our par t ner s i n t he bat hr oomwhen t hey ar e l at e f or wor k. We
need t o schedul e di scussi ons at a t i me when we can gi ve t hemour f ul l
at t ent i on.
Schedul i ng f i ght s has t he added advant age t hat we can pr epar e f or t hem,
or gani ze our t hought s, and t hat we know we have a t i me when t hi s
par t i cul ar i ssue wi l l be deal t wi t h. I f I f eel bad about t he gr ocer y
bi l l s on Tuesday, and I know we have a dat e t o f i ght about i t on
Thur sday, i t ' s pr et t y easy t o put my st uf f asi de unt i l t hen. Most
peopl e dont put t hei r st uf f asi de ver y wel l when i t seems t hat t hei r
i ssues wi l l never get deal t wi t h.
Whaddaya mean, schedul e a f i ght ? Don' t t hey j ust er upt , l i ke
vol canoes? And when we have a f i ght , we ar e not l i kel y t o obey any
r ul es or r espect any l i mi t s, r i ght ? Ar en' t we t al ki ng about i nt ense
emot i onal out bur st s? Wel l , yes, we ar e, but we dont bel i eve t hat you
can set t l e any i ssues when you ar e i n an i nt ense emot i onal st at e. When
your f eel i ngs er upt , i t i s i mpor t ant t o acknowl edge t hemand pay
at t ent i on. However awkwar dl y you may be expr essi ng your sel f , t hi s i s
your t r ut h; you obvi ousl y f eel st r ongl y about i t , so i t ' s an i mpor t ant
t r ut h. That ' s what we l ear n f r omour out bur st s.
So whi l e you ar e bur st i ng out i s a t i me t o l i st en t o your own t r ut h. I f
emot i ons ar e bei ng expr essed at such a l evel of i nt ensi t y t hat t hi ngs
f eel out of cont r ol , l i ke poundi ng on t he wal l s or scr eami ng at t he t op
of your l ungs, t hen i t ' s t i me t o t ake t i me out and l and your sel f .
Ei t her per son can cal l f or a " t i me out , " whi ch means t hat bot h peopl e
agr ee t hat t hey wi l l t ake cer t ai n act i ons: per haps be i n separ at e r ooms
f or a whi l e, or t ake separ at e wal ks, or what ever wi l l make i t possi bl e
f or you t o qui et down and l i st en t o your own f eel i ngs. A t i me out i s
not a t i me t o t r y and l i st en t o your par t ner : you wi l l do t hat l at er .
I t may be di f f i cul t t o cut your sel f of f i n mi d- r ant , and you may f eel
abandoned i f your par t ner r educes her anger by t aki ng a wal k- but
somet i mes t hi s r ough t r ansi t i on i s t he best way f or each of you t o own
how you f eel , and not l et a f i ght escal at e i n a di r ect i on you bot h know
f r omexper i ence wi l l be dest r uct i ve. I t wi l l be much easi er t o t al k
about what ever i t i s when you ar e bot h f eel i ng mor e ser ene.
Fol l owi ng i s an agenda f or a f ai r f i ght t hat Dossi e uses wi t h coupl es
i n her pr act i ce. I f you want t o t r y t hi s out , pi ck a smal l i ssue, l i ke
how does t he t oi l et get cl eaned, and r un t hr ough t hese st eps.
EVERYBODY- WI NS STEPS TO NO- LOSE CONFLI CT RESOLUTI ON13
1. Take TI ME OUT t o vent i l at e anger .
2. Sel ect ONE i ssue t o wor k on.
3. Make an APPOI NTMENT t o t al k.
4. Each per son get s t hr ee mi nut es t o st at e HOWI FEEL. Hi nt : Use I
st at ement s, avoi d YOU- messages, consi der al l owi ng t i me bet ween each
per son' s st at ement . Li st en car ef ul l y.
5. BRAI NSTORM: wr i t e a l i st of ALL possi bl e sol ut i ons, even si l l y
ones.
6. EDI T t he l i st : cr oss out any suggest i ons t hat ei t her per son f eel s
t hey coul d not l i ve wi t h.
7. CHOOSE a sol ut i on t o t r y f or a speci f i c per i od of t i me.
8. RE- EVALUATE when t hat t i me i s up.
MESSAGES
Not i ce t hat communi cat i on begi ns wi t h ever ybody t al ki ng about t hei r
f eel i ngs, l ong bef or e t hey get t o di scussi ng t he pr os and cons of any
sol ut i ons. Good communi cat i on i s based on i dent i f yi ng our f eel i ngs,
communi cat i ng t hemt o our par t ner s, and get t i ng val i dat i on f r omour
par t ner s t hat t hey hear and under st and what we ar e sayi ng. Thi s i s
best done i n sent ences t hat begi n wi t h " I f eel . " Ther e i s an enor mous
di f f er ence bet ween sayi ng " you ar e maki ng me f eel so bad, " and " I f eel
so bad. " The second st at ement , t he I - message, i s a pur e st at ement of
f eel i ng, and t her e i s no accusat i on i n i t . So your l over doesn' t f eel
at t acked, and doesn' t need t o def end her sel f , but i s f r ee t o act ual l y
l i st en t o you. Conver sel y, sent ences begi nni ng wi t h " you, " and
par t i cul ar l y " you al ways, " usual l y ar e per cei ved as at t acks, and
r esponded t o wi t h def ensi veness.
Most of us r esent i t when anot her per son t el l s us how we f eel - whet her
or not t hey ar e cor r ect i s i mmat er i al . I t i s a vi ol at i on of our
boundar i es when anot her per son t el l s us what our i nner t r ut h i s. Dossi e
t r ai ned wi t h a super vi si ng t her api st who used t o poi nt hi s f i nger at
cl i ent s and say, " I know what your pr obl emi s! " You pr obabl y al r eady
know how you f eel when someone does t hat t o you.
We can' t ask our l over t o hol d st i l l whi l e we sl i ng accusat i ons and use
her as a t ar get f or our f r ust r at i ons. That woul d be aski ng her t o
consent t o bei ng abused, and she woul d be r i ght t o r esi st . But we can
ask her t o l i st en t o how we f eel , because put t i ng asi de her own agenda
f or a f ew mi nut es and l i st eni ng t o our f eel i ngs i s a do- abl e t ask f or
t he l i st ener .
To l ear n how t o use I - messages, t r y t al ki ng about an i ssue t hat i s
cur r ent f or you wi t hout ever usi ng t he wor d " you, " and wi t hout t al ki ng
about what anyone el se i s doi ng, but onl y about your own f eel i ngs.
Thi s t akes a l i t t l e pr act i ce, but i s l ess di f f i cul t t han i t may seemat
f i r st .
And when we l i st en t o our l over s t el l i ng us how t hey f eel , we can
r eal l y hear . We l ear n how t he wor l d l ooks f r omt hei r shoes, we can
appr eci at e how t hey f eel , we can val i dat e t hei r posi t i on. And t hen t he
sol ut i ons f l ow so much f r eer and mor e nat ur al l y. Ther e ar e no wr ong
sol ut i ons, and no r i ght ones onl y t he answer s t hat f i t wel l wi t h how we
al l f eel .
Di f f er i ng Goal s
What i f i t comes t o pass, as i t somet i mes does, t hat af t er some
expl or at i on you and your par t ner di scover t hat one of you want s an open
r el at i onshi p and t he ot her one does not ? Your aut hor s st r ongl y
encour age you not t o ent er i nt o a mor t gage unt i l you get t hi s one
st r ai ght , but you may di scover t hi s t r ut h about your sel ves af t er you' ve
al r eady bought a house and had t r i pl et s, so what t hen? When t hi s
di f f er ence i s di scover ed af t er a r el at i onshi p has been devel oped over a
per i od of year s, di vor ce i s not an easy answer .
And per haps you ar e a sl ut who l oves your par t ner , and ear nest l y does
not want t o l eave your home and your chi l dr en t o pur sue t he j oys of
sl ut hood You can use al l t he st r at egi es i ncl uded her e t o t r y and wor k
t hr ough your di f f er ences, and make agr eement s you can bot h l i ve wi t h.
Thi s i s pr obabl y t he most di f f i cul t and pai nf ul ci r cumst ance t hat can
ar i se, and many r el at i onshi ps do not sur vi ve i t .
Some coupl es do manage t o st ay t oget her and devel op enough openness t o
sat i sf y t he one, and enough excl usi vi t y t o sat i sf y t he ot her . They can
get r enewed commi t ment and i nt i macy f r omt hei r st r uggl es wi t h t hese
i ssues. Per haps t he l ess expl or at i ve par t ner can l ear n t hat hi s
par t ner ' s expl or at i on i s not t r ul y danger ous t o hi mor t o hi s
r el at i onshi p, and per haps t he expl or at i ve par t ner can l ear n t o make
changes sl owl y, or t o accept some l i mi t s t o her f i el d of expl or at i on
because she genui nel y car es about her par t ner ' s f eel i ngs. Over t i me,
per haps t he mi smat ched pai r wi l l come cl oser t o each ot her , i f not i n
behavi or , at l east i n accept ance.
Dossi e r el at es:
I f el l i n l ove at t he t ender age of f i f t y wi t h a woman my age who was a
novi ce at nonmonogamy. She deci ded she was wi l l i ng, and t hat our
r el at i onshi p i s i mpor t ant enough f or her t o wor k on t hese i ssues, and I
deci ded t hat I val ued our r el at i onshi p enough t o set some l i mi t s t o my
own out r ageousness, out of r espect f or my l over ' s f eel i ngs and t o gi ve
her a chance t o l ear n t he f r eedomI have devel oped over t went y- seven
year s of f r ee l ovi ng. Some mi ght t hi nk we wer e i l l - advi sed t o ent er
i nt o a commi t t ed r el at i onshi p wi t h such a huge di f f er ence i n our
exper i ence, but we ar e t ot al l y cr azy about each ot her , and t hi s
par t ner shi p i s wor t h t he ear t h t o me- I amwi l l i ng t o do what ever wor k
i s necessar y t o make t hi s wor k f or bot h of us, and I know she i s t oo.
Some t hi ngs have been easy- gr oup sex, f or i nst ance, has never bot her ed
her , and we go t o par t i es t oget her and have dat es wi t h our f r i ends wi t h
no di f f i cul t y. Our agr eement i s t hat when we go t o gr oup sex
envi r onment s, we wi l l di scuss our pl ans bef or ehand, and we r ar el y
engage i n any act i vi t y t hat does not i ncl ude t he ot her , al t hough we
wel l may i n t he f ut ur e.
My l over has mor e pr obl ems when I go on dat es wi t h anot her per son on an
i ndi vi dual basi s, and so we ar e wor ki ng on t hat , ver y sl owl y, t o gi ve
her t i me t o wor k t hr ough her f eel i ngs, and me mi ne, as we r el at ed
ear l i er i n t hi s book.
Recent l y, a new wr i nkl e occur r ed when a f r i end asked my par t ner f or a
dat e. My l over deci ded t hat she wasn' t r eady t o make dat es wi t h ot her s
because i t f eel s t oo much l i ke cheat i ng on me, but she i s comf or t abl e
wi t h pl ayi ng i ndi vi dual l y wi t h t hi s woman at a par t y, so she wi l l
pr obabl y do t hat . Thi s i s an exampl e of how you can r espect your own
l i mi t s. Our f r i end was car ef ul t o ask me how I f el t about her pr o
posi t i oni ng my l over , and so I f eel r espect ed and car ed f or as wel l We
dont know how exact l y t hi s wi l l l ook a year f r omnow, but f or t he
pr esent we l ove our r el at i onshi p, we l ove our f r i ends and l over s, and
we l ove each ot her and pl an t o gr ow ol der , and sexi er , t oget her .
HELP I S AVAI LABLE
You dont have t o do al l t hi s on your own. Many wonder f ul books,
cl asses and wor kshops ar e avai l abl e we' ve l i st ed a f ew good ones i n t he
back of t hi s book. I t ' s a good i dea t o put asi de some t i me and ener gy
t o l ear n about communi cat i on, and t o do i t wi t h t he per son you' r e
t r yi ng t o communi cat e wi t h. Ther e ar e many wonder f ul weekend wor kshops
f ocusi ng on communi cat i on f or coupl es; even your l ocal chur ch may wel l
of f er a weekend mar r i age r et r eat . We' ve never known a coupl e who went
t o a communi cat i on or i nt i macy wor kshop and di dn' t gai n some good new
ski l l s and i nsi ght s f r omi t . Some wor kshops exi st speci f i cal l y t o wor k
on i ssues ar i si ng f r omnonmonogamy. We encour age you t o t ake t hem, or
t o j oi n a suppor t gr oup sui t abl e t o your needs. J ust knowi ng t hat
ot her s st r uggl e wi t h some of t he same i ssues t hat you do can hel p.
A somewhat mor e expensi ve, but st i l l excel l ent , opt i on i s t o do some
sessi ons wi t h a coupl es counsel or . I n gener al , we r ecommend t hi s
as a second- l evel al t er nat i ve, af t er you' ve al r eady done some cl asses
and wor kshops, unl ess you have pr i vacy concer ns t hat make cl asses and
wor kshops di f f i cul t f or you.
Scr een any of t hese r esour ces about whet her t hey' l l be accept i ng of
your open r el at i onshi p. Some ol d- f ashi oned psychol ogi st s, and some
wor kshops and r et r eat s, may bel i eve t hat your l ust f or many peopl e i s a
" sympt om" of psychol ogi cal di st ur bance i n you- you may not f eel
adequat el y saf e and suppor t ed i n such an envi r onment . I f you need hel p
f i ndi ng a sympat het i c t her api st or gr oup, t r y aski ng your f r i ends, or
checki ng t he Resour ce Gui de i n t hi s book.
We st r ongl y r ecommend t hat you i nvest i gat e t hese t ypes of hel p sooner
r at her t han l at er . J ust about ever yone can use an occasi onal
communi cat i ons ski l l s " t une- up, " and i f you wai t unt i l your
r el at i onshi p I s i n cr i si s, you' l l f ace much har der wor k t han i f you' d
been pr act i ci ng your ski l l s al l al ong.
owni ng what ' s our s
Nobody communi cat es wi t h per f ect f or mal l of t he t i me. But , when
communi cat i on i s l oaded, di f f i cul t , conf usi ng and i mpor t ant , t hen we
need t o make t he et hi cal commi t ment t o own our st uf f , and l et you own
your s. That means we do not t al k about , i nt er pr et , i nvent or y, anal yze,
j udge or ot her wi se t r ampl e al l over your st uf f . I n f or mal
communi cat i on we pr omi se t o st ay wi t h what i s our s, our f eel i ngs, t hat
we own, and gi ve our par t ner s t he r espect t o l et t hemr epr esent t hei r
own f eel i ngs, t hei r i nner r eal i t y, t hei r t r ut h.
When you ar e wi l l i ng t o own your di st r ess, i t becomes possi bl e f or your
par t ner t o comf or t you, t o of f er you r eassur ance and l ove when t hi ngs
ar e har d- so t hat even when you dont agr ee about how you ar e goi ng t o
handl e an i ssue, you can st i l l exchange l ove and comf or t . We r ecommend
t hat ever yone be open about aski ng f or r eassur ance, l ove, hugs, comf or t
and st uf f l i ke t hat . Many of us gr ew up i n f ami l i es wher e we wer e
t aught not t o ask f or what we needed, scor ned, per haps, as onl y want i ng
at t ent i on.
So what ' s wr ong wi t h want i ng at t ent i on? I sn' t t her e pl ent y? Remember
about st ar vat i on economi es: dont shor t - change your sel f . You do not
have t o be cont ent wi t h l i t t l e dr i bs and dr abs of comf or t , at t ent i on,
suppor t , r eassur ance and l ove. You get t o have al l t he comf or t and
r eassur ance you want . You and your i nt i mat es can set your sel ves up t o
shar e l ot s and l ot s and l ot s, and i n t he pr ocess l ear n how much mor e
you have t o shar e t han you ever t hought . So f ocus on abundance, and
cr eat e your envi r onment al ecol ogy r i ch i n t he good t hi ngs of l i f e
- war mt h and l ove and sex.
HOWTO F*" UP
WE HAVE THE FOLLOWI NG GUI DE OF CAREFULLY TESTED METHODS
FOR MAKI NG MI STAKES I N POLYAMOROUS RELATI ONSHI PS. Wi t h
PROPER APPLI CATI ON AND I NGENUI TY, THESE METHODS MAY I MPAI R
OR DESTROY MONOGAMOUS RELATI ONSHI PS AS WELL; THEY' RE TRULY
MULTI PURPOSE TOOLS. we POST THI S LI STI NG FOR YOUR
consi der at i on; no l i abi l i t y expr essed or i mpl i ed.
1. l i e. t hi s i s basi c and ef f ect i ve. To maxi mi ze bad r esul t s, l i e
about somet hi ng i mpor t ant t o t he ot her per sons) and ar r ange t o be
caught i n t he l i e i n such a way as t o pr oduce maxi mumshock. addi t i onal
st r ess poi nt s awar ded f or keepi ng t he l i e goi ng f or a whi l e bef or e
di scover y, whi ch i ncr eases t he di sor i ent at i on and sense of bet r ayal i n
t he decei ved per sons) . l yi ng about sex get s doubl e poi nt s. l yi ng about
bei ng mar r i ed get s t r i pl e f ***- up poi nt s. cr eat i ve l i es of omi ssi on
( i . e. " not t el l i ng" ) wi t h f ancy r at i onal i zat i ons and condescensi on get
gol d st ar s.
2. avoi d sel f - knowl edge. t hi s i s mor e el egant t han st r at egy 1, as i t
combi nes a bol d sweep of deni al wi t h sor t i es of di st r act i on ai med at
onesel f . t hi s t act i c i s most ef f ect i ve when combi ned wi t h t act i cs 3
and 4. sel f dest r uct i ve or addi ct i ve behavi our has al so been f ound ver y
ef f ect i ve i n avoi di ng sel f - knowl edge. when combi ned wi t h an endear i ng
at t i t ude of hel pl essness, t hi s st r at egy has been pr oven ef f i caci ous i n
at t r act i ng " r escuer s" or " whi t e kni ght s" on whomone can t hen pr act i ce
st r at egi es 4 and 3, i n t hat or der .
3. bl ame t he ot her per sons) . i f anyt hi ng went wr ong, hey, i t must be
t hei r f aul t , r i ght ? t hi s el i mi nat es t he need f or messy t hi ngs l i ke
communi cat i on and negot i at i on, whi ch can be embar r assi ng, par t i cul ar l y
i f one i s usi ng st r at egy 2.
4. di scl ai mr esponsi bi l i t y. t hi s i s a l i t t l e mor e compl ex t han
STRATEGY 3, AND OFTEN I NCLUDES WHAT I S REFERRED TO AS
CO DEPENDENCY THE CLASSI C WAY TO PLAY THI S STRATEGY I S TO
CATER TO THE PARTNERs) I NVOLVED WHI LE REPRESSI NG ONE' S OWN
DESI RES AND QUESTI ONS. THI S ALLOWS A GOOD HEAD OF RESENTMENT
TO BUI LD UP, AND ONE CAN J USTI FY ANGER BY SAYI NG ONE HAS DONE
so much f or one' s par t ner s) and get s no t hanks, et c. i n i t s
MOST REFI NED STATE, THI S STRATEGY MAKES THE OTHER PERSONs)
RESPONSI BLE FOR SETTI NG THE DI RECTI ON, PACE AND CONTENT OF THE
RELATI ONSHI P, FOR WHI CH ONE CAN THEM BLAME THEM I F ONE' S OWN
EXPECTATI ONS OR NEEDS ARE NOT MET. USI NG STRATEGY 2 TO AVOI D
KNOWLEDGE OF THESE EXPECTATI ONS AND NEEDS GETS DOUBLE POI NTS.
5. push. t hi s i s an ar t , al bei t a cr ude one. when augment ed
WI TH STRATEGY 6, PUSHI NG CAN ACHI EVE SPECTACULAR NEGATI VE
RESULTS I N EVEN A SHORT TI ME. REMEMBER, WHEN PUSHI NG, ONLY
YOUR SATI SFACTI ON COUNTS! i t ' s A DOG- EAT- DOG WORLD, AND YOU' RE
a pi t bul l . emot i onal and ment al bul l yi ng can be as sat i sf yi ng as
ol d- f ashi oned physi cal coer ci on, and not near l y as easi l y
PROSECUTABLE. ( cont ' d)
6. pl ay on i nsecur i t y. t hi s i s an ol d f avor i t e. usi ng sexual
i nsecur i t y as a weapon and combi ni ng t hi s wi t h st r at egy 5 i s a
f our - st ar wi nner . at t empt i ng t o cont r ol one' s par t ner s) by
mani pul at i ng t hemt hr ough t hei r
I NSECURI TI ES I S A SURE- FI RE F***- UP TACTI C. i t ' s SO MUCH MORE
del i cat e t han si mpl y beat i ng t hemup, t oo, t hough t he r esul t ant
emot i onal damage can be r emar kabl y si mi l ar .
7. avoi d i nt i macy. t hi s may seempar adoxi cal ; af t er al l , we' r e t al ki ng
about get t i ng up- cl ose and per sonal wi t h as many hot bl babes- er ,
ahem- we' r e di scussi ng achi evi ng sat i sf yi ngl y cl ose r el at i onshi ps wi t h
a number of peopl e, r i ght ? t he t r i ck of avoi di ng i nt i macy can be
per f or med i n sever al ways, but t he easi est i s t o conf use i nt i macy wi t h
" r ubbi ng sl i pper y bi t s t oget her . " subst i t ut e t he wor ds " sex" and
" l ove" f or each ot her of t en i n conver sat i ons. r epeat t he mant r a, " i f
you l oved me, you' d know what I want . " pr act i ce st r at egy 8
assi duousl y, suppl ement i ng i t wi t h st r at egy 2. accor di ng t o t he needs
of t he moment , f i gur e out whet her act i on or wor ds ar e mor e l i kel y t o be
ambi guous or mi sconst r ued, and go wi t h what gi ves you t he most
pl ausi bl e deni abi l i t y l at er . some except i onal l y t al ent ed i ndi vi dual s
manage t o gi ve t he i mpr essi on of bei ng i nt i mat e whi l e successf ul l y
r emai ni ng st one- col d. st udy sal es t echni ques f or poi nt er s. peopl e
wi t h good " l i nes" f al l i nt o t hi s cat egor y, especi al l y i f t he l i nes
i ncl ude expl anat i ons of how t hey t r ul y val ue t he ot her per son.
8. dont t al k. t al ki ng has been known t o l ead t o communi cat i on i f
pr act i ced car el essl y. communi cat i on wi l l ser i ousl y i mpai r your f ***- up
pr ogr ess, and i n cer t ai n cases wi l l hal t or r ever se i t ent i r el y. i f
you must t al k, use cl i ches and quot at i ons f r ompopul ar songs as much as
possi bl e, or f al l back on st r at egy number 1.
i f al l el se f ai l s, make a saf er - sex agr eement wi t h your par t ner s) and
t hen br eak i t , cont r act i ng a communi cabl e di sease about whi ch you do
not t hen t el l t hem. doubl e poi nt s f or avoi di ng al l di scussi on or
negot i at i on of sexual mat t er s ent i r el y so t hat t he " agr eement " i s
wi shf ul t hi nki ng and compl et el y deni abl e. f or a coup de gr ace, add
st r at egy 6 and t el l t hemi t woul dn' t have happened i f t hey had been
sat i sf yi ng you l i ke t hey wer e supposed t o. m. Am***
9. f or t he ul t i mat e met a- f uck- up, r emai n t echni cal l y f ai t hf ul t o your
par t ner whi l e br eaki ng t he spi r i t of what ever agr eement you have
whenever possi bl e, keepi ng t hi s knowl edge bot t l ed up t o ensur e maxi mum
f ear , shame and r esent ment . some peopl e wi n t he gr and pr i ze wi t h t he
f i g l eaf - and- st i ngi ng- net t l e cl ust er f or sel f - i nf l i ct ed suf f er i ng and
wast ed pot ent i al by managi ng t o keep t hi s st r at egy up unt i l deat h do
t hempar t , conceal i ng f r omt hei r spouse t he f act t hat t hey have been
shammi ng happi ness al l t hese year s.
- cour t esy el i se mat t hesen
CHAPTER 6. AGREEMENTS
Most successf ul r el at i onshi ps, f r omcasual acquai nt anceshi p t hr ough
l i f et i me monogamy, ar e based on assumpt i ons t hat ar e r eal l y unst at ed
agr eement s about behavi or : you dont ki ss your mai l man, you dont t i p
your mot her . These ar e t he unspoken r ul es we l ear n ver y ear l y i n our
l i ves, f r omour par ent s, our pl aymat es and our cul t ur es. Peopl e who
br eak t hese unspoken r ul es ar e of t en consi der ed odd, somet i mes even
cr azy, because t he val ues and j udgment s behi nd t he soci al agr eement s
about how we r el at e t o one anot her ar e so deepl y i ngr ai ned t hat we ar e
usual l y not even awar e t hat we have made any agr eement at al l .
I n many day- t o- day r el at i onshi ps, such as your r el at i onshi p wi t h
nei ghbor s and co- wor ker s, i t ' s pr obabl y f i ne t o r el y on t hose i mpl i ci t ,
" bui l t - i n" agr eement s. But when you' r e t r yi ng somet hi ng as compl i cat ed
and unpr ecedent ed as et hi cal sl ut hood we t hi nk i t ' s ver y i mpor t ant t o
t ake not hi ng f or gr ant ed. Tal k wi t h t he peopl e i n your l i f e about your
agr eement s, and negot i at e t he condi t i ons, envi r onment s and behavi or s
t hat wi l l get your own needs met .
You' l l of t en hear peopl e t al ki ng about t he " r ul es" of t hei r
r el at i onshi ps. But " r ul es" i mpl i es a cer t ai n r i gi di t y, t hat t her e i s a
r i ght way and a wr ong way t o r un your r el at i onshi p, and t hat t her e wi l l
be penal t i es i f you do i t wr ong. We under st and t hat t her e ar e many
di f f er ent ways t hat peopl e may choose t o r el at e t o each ot her , so we
pr ef er t o use t he wor d " agr eement s" t o descr i be mut ual l y agr eed- upon,
consci ous deci si ons, desi gned t o be f l exi bl e enough t o accommodat e
i ndi vi dual i t y, gr owt h and change. These agr eement s ar e somet i mes a
l i t t l e f uzzy, par t i cul ar l y i f you' r e used t o t he har d edges of r ul es. A
l i t t l e f uzzi ness i s OK; your agr eement wi l l ei t her get cl ar i f i ed l at er
i f i t needs t o be- or i t won' t , i n whi ch case i t ' s pr obabl y cl ear
enough.
How do you know when you need an agr eement ? You can t el l by l i st eni ng
t o your emot i ons. I f somet hi ng comes up t hat l eaves you f eel i ng i cky
or angr y or unhear d or what ever , t hat ' s an ar ea i n whi ch you and your
par t ner may need t o di scuss maki ng an agr eement . We suggest t hat you
l et go r i ght now of t he i dea t hat you can pr edi ct ever y si ngl e
si t uat i on t hat mi ght come up i n your r el at i onshi p and make a r ul e t o
cover i t j ust f or get i t . Many per f ect l y good agr eement s get made by
20- 20 hi ndsi ght : a pr obl emcomes up, and i nst ead of ar gui ng over whose
f aul t i t was, t he coupl e si mpl y makes an agr eement t o t r y t o pr event
t hat pr obl emf r omcomi ng up agai n.
Our f r i ends Laur i e and Chr i s have become ext r aor di nar i l y f l exi bl e
agr eement - maker s t hr ough pr act i ci ng a l ot :
We met at t he Renai ssance Fai r s and made a pr et t y deep connect i on r i ght
away. Al t hough we di dn' t f eel r eady t o j ump i nt o mar r i age r i ght of f ,
we di d get hand f ast ed ( an anci ent Cel t i c r i t e of r omant i c commi t ment )
about f i ve mont hs af t er we met . Our hand f ast i ng i ncl uded an agr eement
t hat i f we st i l l want ed t o be t oget her a year and a day l at er , we' d get
mar r i ed. And we di d.
When we f i r st deci ded t o get hand f ast ed Chr i s pr oposed an agr eement i n
whi ch we' d be f r ee t o be sexual wi t h ot her peopl e dur i ng Fai r e, but at
no ot her t i me. Laur i e f el t shocked by hi s desi r e t o do t hi s, and
i nsecur e about what mi ght happen. So we deci ded t o post pone a deci si on
unt i l t he next summer ' s Fai r e, af t er we' d got t en mar r i ed. Dur i ng t he
f i r st year of our mar r i age, t he agr eement was f or Fai r e onl y, and t hen
af t er t hat we ext ended i t t o t he weekend pr epar at or y wor kshops as wel l
as t o Fai r e i t sel f . At one of t hese, Laur i e met a guy wi t h whomshe
got f ai r l y ser i ousl y i nvol ved- i t was our f i r st ongoi ng r el at i onshi p
out si de t he mar r i age. At t hat poi nt t hi ngs opened up al l t he way t o
wher e Laur i e was spendi ng a l ot ot her t i me wi t h her ot her l over , and
Chr i s di dn' t l i ke i t much; he f el t t hat he wasn' t get t i ng enough t i me
wi t h Laur i e.
So we r enegot i at ed. We deci ded t hat ei t her of us coul d sl eep over wi t h
anot her par t ner t wi ce a mont h. We f el t t hat t wi ce a mont h was of t en
enough f or f un, but not so of t en t hat i t woul d accommodat e a
t hr eat eni ngl y st r ong bond wi t h someone el se. That ' s been wor ki ng
pr et t y wel l f or a whi l e, al t hough we' ve compr omi sed on a case- by case
basi s a t i me or t wo.
We' r e st i l l wor ki ng out t he bugs- among ot her t hi ngs, we' r e hopi ng t o
become par ent s pr et t y soon, and we' r e not sur e how a baby wi l l af f ect
our r el at i onshi p. But our agr eement s have al ways been at l east
t ol er abl e, and at t i mes t hey' ve of f er ed a r el i ef val ve t hat ' s kept us
f r omf l eei ng t he r el at i onshi p i n t er r or !
consent
So what const i t ut es a good agr eement ? I n our opi ni on, t he si ngl e most
i mpor t ant hal l mar k of agr eement i s consent , whi ch we def i ne as " an
act i ve col l abor at i on f or t he pl easur e and wel l - bei ng of al l concer ned. "
I n t he case of pol yamor y, t hi s consent of t en i ncl udes t hat of peopl e
not di r ect l y i nvol ved- pr i mar y par t ner s, chi l dr en and ot her par t i es
whose l i ves ar e af f ect ed by your agr eement s.
Def i ni ng consent can somet i mes be t r i cky. I f someone consent s under
pr essur e, we dont t hi nk t hat meet s t he " act i ve col l abor at i on"
cr i t er i on. And you can' t consent t o somet hi ng you dont know about :
" Wel l , you di dn' t say I coul dn' t f l y t o Boi se f or t wo weeks wi t h t hi s
f l i ght at t endant I j ust met " does not const i t ut e consent .
I n or der t o achi eve t hi s ki nd of act i ve consent , i t i s cr i t i cal t hat
ever yone i nvol ved accept r esponsi bi l i t y f or knowi ng t hei r own f eel i ngs
and communi cat i ng t hem. Thi s i sn' t al ways easy. Somet i mes f eel i ngs
dont want t o be pul l ed t o t he sur f ace and exami ned- you may si mpl y know
t hat you f eel bad. Gi ve your sel f t he t i me and suppor t you need t o
mani f est t hat f eel i ng, per haps usi ng some of t he st r at egi es we
di scussed i n t he " J eal ousy" chapt er . I f you f eel l i ke you need hel p i n
def i ni ng what ' s goi ng on f or you, i t ' s OK t o ask f or t hat hel p:
physi cal or ver bal r eassur ance of t en make a huge di f f er ence, and
somet i mes a wi se f r i end or t her api st can ask t he r i ght quest i ons t o
hel p you unt angl e a compl i cat ed f eel i ng. Once you st ar t l i st eni ng t o
your own f eel i ngs, you' l l have a much easi er t i me get t i ng your needs
and desi r es out t her e wher e ever ybody can hear t hemand make agr eement s
t o hel p meet t hem.
Most of us need some suppor t i n aski ng f or what we want . When we ar e
i nvol ved i n maki ng agr eement s, we need t o f eel saf e t hat t he needs we
r eveal wi l l not be hel d agai nst us. Most of us f eel pr et t y vul ner abl e
i n and ar ound our emot i onal l i mi t s, but i t ' s i mpor t ant t o r ecogni ze
t hat t hese l i mi t s ar e val i d, t oo: " I need t o f eel l oved, " " I need t o
f eel t hat I ' mi mpor t ant t o you, " " I need t o know t hat you f i nd me
at t r act i ve, " " I need you t o l i st en and car e about me when I f eel
hur t . "
Bl ami ng, mani pul at i on, bul l yi ng and mor al condemnat i on do not bel ong i n
t he agr eement - maki ng pr ocess. The pr ocess of maki ng a good agr eement
must i ncl ude a commi t ment f r omal l concer ned t o l i st en t o one anot her ' s
concer ns and f eel i ngs i n an open and unpr ej udi ced way. I f you ar e
wai t i ng f or your par t ner t o r eveal a weakness so t hat you can expl oi t
i t i nt o ammuni t i on t o " wi n" your ar gument , you ar e not r eady t o do a
sat i sf act or y agr eement .
Legal i st i c hai r - spl i t t i ng i s anot her enemy of good agr eement s. We know
one coupl e whose agr eement was t hat ei t her of t hemwoul d l et t he ot her
one know wi t hi n t went y- f our hour s i f t hey wer e goi ng t o have sex wi t h
someone el se. One of t hemcal l ed t he ot her one f r omanot her ci t y t o
l et her know t hat he' d had sex wi t h someone el se t he ni ght bef or e. " But
you sai d you' d gi ve me t went y- f our hour s' not i ce! " she cr i ed angr i l y.
" I never sai d t went y- f our hour s bef or e, " he poi nt ed out . Thi s
" l oophol e- f i ndi ng" l egal i st i c behavi or l ef t nei t her i ndi vi dual f eel i ng
t hat t hei r agr eement had wor ked f or t hem. The mor al : be cl ear , be
speci f i c, and above al l negot i at e i n good f ai t h. Thi s i s not about
cheat i ng any mor e.
Agr eement s need t o be r eal i st i c, somet hi ng t hat you r eal l y can keep. I t
i s unr eal i st i c t o ask your par t ner t o never ent er i nt o a sexual
i nt er act i on wi t h a per son t hat t hey car e about " t oo much. " Ther e i s no
way t o def i ne " t oo much, " and f ew of us concei ve of our pol yamor ous
Ut opi a as a wor l d i n whi ch you ar e onl y al l owed t o shar e sex wi t h
peopl e you dont car e about at al l . None of us can t r ut hf ul l y agr ee t o
f eel onl y t hi s way or t hat way: our agr eement s need t o have r oomi n
t hemf or r eal emot i ons, what ever t hey may be.
Agr eement s do not have t o be equal . Peopl e ar e di f f er ent and uni que,
and what pushes my but t ons mi ght be per f ect l y okay wi t h you. So one
per son mi ght f i nd i t ver y i mpor t ant t hat hi s par t ner not st ay out
over ni ght , wher eas sai d par t ner mi ght act ual l y enj oy an occasi onal
oppor t uni t y t o wat ch t he l at e movi e by hi msel f and eat cr acker s i n bed.
One f r i end of our s says,
Bi l l and I have ver y di f f er ent needs when i t comes t o r el at i onshi ps. I
f eel no need t o be monogamous; I ' mqui t e comf or t abl e havi ng sex wi t h
peopl e I l i ke, but t hey' r e not af f ai r s of t he hear t - wher eas hi s sexual
connect i ons ar e ei t her ver y casual l i ke at par t i es, or ver y deep and
l ong- t er m. We' ve f or med agr eement s t hat meet bot h of our needs- mi ne
f or f r i endl y par t ner s and f uck buddi es, hi s f or l ong- t er msecondar y
r el at i onshi ps. So f ai r ness does not mean equi t y. Fai r ness means we
car e about how each per son f eel s, and make agr eement s t o hel p al l of us
f eel as good as possi bl e.
When t hi nki ng about agr eement s f or an open r el at i onshi p, most peopl e
st ar t out by l i st i ng what t hei r par t ner can and cannot do: dont ki ss
her on t he mout h, dont ever t r eat hi mbet t er t han you do me. Some
" t hou shal t not s" ar e necessar y: agr eement s need t o be made, f or
exampl e, about sexual connect i ons wi t h r el at i ves, nei ghbor s and
cowor ker s, and I r eal l y car e a l ot t hat you r ef r ai n f r omseduci ng my
boss. And my t her api st , t oo. But many negat i ve agr eement s ar e r eal l y
about pr ot ect i ng your par t ner f r omf eel i ng hur t or j eal ous. The best
agr eement s t o pr ot ect your par t ner f r omemot i onal pai n ar e posi t i ve:
l et ' s have a speci al dat e next weekend, I wi l l f i nd t i me t o l i st en t o
you when you hur t , I ' l l t el l you how much I l ove you agai n and agai n.
Thi nki ng up agr eement s t hat wi l l hel p bot h par t ner s f eel emot i onal l y
saf e can be conf usi ng, si nce i n t he pr ocess of unl ear ni ng j eal ousy we
wi l l al l at some t i me be aski ng our par t ner s t o agr ee t o t ake some
r i sk, t o f eel some pai nf ul f eel i ngs, t o f al l down a f ew t i mes i n or der
t o l ear n how t o r i de t he emot i onal bi cycl e of t r ul y f r ee l ove. And we
al l need a sense of emot i onal saf et y t o succeed at f eel i ng secur e i n
open r el at i onshi ps.
One way you can make agr eement s t o r espect emot i onal l i mi t s i s t o ask
f or what ever seems l i ke i t mi ght make you f eel a l i t t l e bi t saf er
- r eassur ance, compl i ment s, af f ect i on, a speci al r i t ual f or homecomi ng
af t er a dat e and t hen when t hat wor ks and you f eel a l i t t l e saf er , t ake
anot her st ep t owar d even mor e saf et y, and soon you wi l l f eel saf e
enough t o expand your expl or at i ons f ur t her and f ur t her . Each t i ny st ep
i n t he di r ect i on of f r eedomwi l l event ual l y get you t her e. One of t he
t hi ngs t hat wor ks about r eassur ance i s t hat once we under st and t hat our
par t ner , or par t ner s, or maybe even al so t hei r par t ner s, ar e wi l l i ng t o
hel p us wi t h our f eel i ngs, we f eel mor e secur e and need l ess and l ess
pr ot ect i on as we go al ong.
The si ngl e most i mpor t ant t hi ng t o r emember about agr eement maki ng i s
t hat t he pur pose of an agr eement i s t o f i nd a way i n whi ch ever ybody
can wi n.
SOME AGREEMENTS
We' ve done some aski ng ar ound among our f r i ends and col l eagues t o f i nd
out what ki nds of r el at i onshi p agr eement s have wor ked f or ot her s.
Her e' s a par t i al l i st of agr eement s we' ve hear d f r omsome ver y
successf ul sl ut s. Not i ce as you r ead i t how many di f f er ent ki nds of
agr eement s i t cont ai ns- some ar e sexual , some ar e
r el at i onshi p- or i ent ed; some " t hou shal t s" and some " t hou shal t not s" ;
some ar e l ogi st i cal and some sent i ment al . J ust so you know t hat we' r e
not r ecommendi ng any of t hese, you shoul d al so not e t hat some ar e
mut ual l y excl usi ve. We' r e pr esent i ng t hi s l i st as a di scussi on- opener ,
not as how i t ought t o be.
ever ybody has t o make some agr eement s about sexual heal t h cal l nobody
el se by a par t i cul ar pet name ever ybody wi l l wor k t oget her t o f i nd a
good pl ace f or t he non i nvol ved par t ner t o be no sl eep over s ( al ways
spend ni ght t oget her except whi l e t r avel i ng)
I ' l l wat ch ever yone' s ki ds t hi s weekend, you do i t next weekend you
dont get t o use our car f or dat es wi t h your ot her l over no i nt er cour se
wi t h ot her par t ner s no geni t al cont act wi t h ot her par t ner s no anal
cont act wi t h ot her par t ner s no ki ssi ng wi t h ot her par t ner s vet o power
over pot ent i al ot her par t ner s advance not i ce of pot ent i al ot her
par t ner s pr evi ous di scussi on r equi r ed dont t el l me about ot her par t ner s
t el l me ever yt hi ng you di d wi t h ot her par t ner s ot her par t ner s must be
same- sex opposi t e- sex ever ybody meet s ever ybody- no st r anger s gr oup sex
onl y anonymous sex onl y commi t t ed sex onl y must check i n t o conf i r m
saf et y af t er get - t oget her wi t h new par t ner ever ybody chi ps i n f or t he
babysi t t er
Fr i day ni ght s onl y
Sat ur day ni ght s ar e f or us be sur e t o save some hot sexual ener gy f or
me not i n our bed no sur pr i ses l over wi l l not cont act ot her l over
wi t hout mut ual l over ' s knowl edge i f non- i nvol ved l over f eel s l onel y or
l ef t out , he wi l l ask t o par t i ci pat e not i n our house l i mi t s on phone
cal l s, " Net t i me, et c.
est abl i sh qual i t y t i me, t i me t o f i ght , t i me t o di scuss, dat es, et c.
onl y at par t i es we' l l set our next dat e bef or e we have one wi t h someone
el se agr eement s about who can t al k about what t o whomnot dur i ng t i me
we woul d ot her wi se be spendi ng t oget her dont t ake of f t he r i ng I gave
you l i t t l e gi f t s and car ds hel p l i mi t s about par t ner choi ce
nei ghbor hood school ? wor k?
r el at i ves? cl ose f r i ends? t ot al st r anger s? par t ner ' s doct or , l awyer ,
t her api st ?
onl y i n my pr esence we' l l spend an hour cuddl i ng and r econnect i ng
af t er war ds pr edi ct abi l i t y
Our exper i ence i s t hat most peopl e need some ki nd of pr edi ct abi l i t y t o
deal wi t h t he st r esses of open r el at i onshi ps. Most of us can handl e a
ner vous- maki ng si t uat i on much bet t er i f we know when i t i s goi ng t o
happen, and when i t i s goi ng t o be over . We can pl an t o do somet hi ng
suppor t i ve wi t h a f r i end, go t o a movi e, vi si t Mom, what ever - and t el l
our sel ves t hat we onl y have t o handl e t hi ngs f or t hi s chunk of t i me,
and t hen our sweet i e wi l l come back and maybe we can pl an a cel ebr at or y
r euni on.
Most peopl e have a har der t i me deal i ng wi t h sur pr i ses, whi ch can f eel
l i ke l and mi nes expl odi ng. Ver y f ew of us woul d be comf or t abl e l i vi ng
wi t h t he possi bi l i t y t hat our par t ner mi ght go home wi t h someone el se
at any t i me, f r omany par t y we go t o, f r omt he r est aur ant wher e we
t hought we wer e j ust goi ng f or a cup of cof f ee no pl ace, no t i me woul d
be secur e.
I f you f eel t hat pl anni ng t akes t oo much of t he spont anei t y out of your
l i f e, t hen t hi nk about decl ar i ng one weekend a mont h t o be open season,
or one Sat ur day ni ght , or what ever - t hen you can make a deci si on
whet her t o j oi n your par t ner i n cr ui si ng or si t t hi s one out i n a
qui et er mi l i eu. An agr eement t o be unpr edi ct abl e at some speci f i ed
t i me i s, af t er al l , pr edi ct abl e.
what i f t her e i s no agr eement ?
Ther e ar e pr obabl y a l ot of t hi ngs i n your l i f e on whi ch you f eel no
need t o r each agr eement . Most peopl e dont f eel t he need t o agr ee on
whet her t o wear r ed or bl ue, or whet her t o eat cr unchy or smoot h peanut
but t er . However , l ack of agr eement can f eel l ess comf or t abl e i n t he
cl ose- t o t he- bone f i el d of sexual r el at i onshi ps.
St i l l , somet i mes, you si mpl y need t o agr ee not t o agr ee. Bet ween t he
" yes" of f ul l agr eement and t he " no" of f ul l di sagr eement i s a whol e
bi g gr ay ar ea of no- agr eement - yet , or t ol er abl e- di sagr eement , or even
who- car es? Somet i mes you wi l l event ual l y f i nd i t possi bl e t o make an
agr eement , and ot her t i mes you won' t . But you' ve been get t i ng al ong
f i ne wi t hout agr eement so f ar , and t her e' s a pr et t y good chance you can
go on t hat way al most i ndef i ni t el y.
Occasi onal l y, however , you mi ght hi t an ar ea i n whi ch agr eement i s bot h
necessar y and i mpossi bl e. For many peopl e, t he whol e i ssue of
non- monogamy may be one of t hese; chi l dbear i ng i s anot her f r equent
" deal - br eaker . " We suggest compr omi se- seeki ng ( possi bl y wi t h t he hel p
of a qual i f i ed t her api st ) and f l exi bi l i t y. But i f agr eement si mpl y
cannot be r eached, we t hi nk t he ski l l s you l ear ned i n t r yi ng t o r each
agr eement t he non- bl ami ng, non- j udgi ng and non- mani pul at i ng can al so
st and you i n ver y good st ead as you agr ee t o change or even end
what ever r el at i onshi p you' r e i n. Somet i mes, when you agr ee t o end t hat
r el at i onshi p, you may f i nd t hat you can agr ee on a new ki nd of
r el at i onshi p- some of our best f r i ends ( and hot t est l over s) ar e our
exes.
get t i ng t o " yes"
( Yes, we st ol e t hi s phr ase f r omsomebody el se. ) So how do you f i nd an
agr eement t hat wi l l wor k f or ever ybody? A good pl ace t o st ar t i s by
def i ni ng your goal s. A goal i s not t he same as an agr eement ; your goal
i s what you' r e t r yi ng t o accompl i sh, your agr eement i s t he means you' r e
usi ng t o t r y t o get t her e. So, f or exampl e, i f your goal i s t o pr event
anyone f r omf eel i ng t aken advant age of , your agr eement s mi ght have t o
do wi t h ensur i ng t hat nobody' s per sonal t i me, space or bel ongi ngs ar e
bei ng i nf r i nged on.
Of t en, you di scover a goal by t r i ppi ng over a pr obl em: " Last ni ght ,
when you and Samwer e i n our bedr oomt oget her , my f eet wer e f r eezi ng
and I coul dn' t get i n t her e t o get my bedr oomsl i pper s. " The goal i s
t o pr event t hi s pr obl emf r omcomi ng up agai n- what ki nds of agr eement s
mi ght hel p achi eve t hat goal ? Answer i ng t hese quest i ons wi l l r equi r e
an honest ( and of t en di f f i cul t ) l ook at what t he r eal pr obl emi s: i s i t
t hat your f eet ar e col d, or t hat you r esent bei ng ki cked out of your
own bedr oom, or t hat you' r e f eel i ng j eal ous and l ef t out ?
Once you' ve def i ned your pr obl emand your goal , i t ' s t i me t o st ar t
f i gur i ng out a good agr eement . I t mi ght be appr opr i at e t o do a " t r i al "
agr eement t o put a t i me l i mi t at i on on your newbor n agr eement t o see how
i t f eel s t o ever ybody concer ned. Af t er t he t i me i s up, whet her t hat ' s
a week or a year , you can si t down agai n t o di scuss what wor ked, what
di dn' t , and whet her t o cont i nue your agr eement or r evi se i t or scr ap
i t .
I n our exper i ence, i t ' s r ar e f or an agr eement t o l ast a l i f et i me
wi t hout change: human bei ngs change, and so do agr eement s. The way you
can t el l t hat your agr eement needs t o change i s when someone doesn' t
agr ee t o i t any mor e. Cat her i ne and her par t ner , f or exampl e, began
t hei r r el at i onshi p wi t h an agr eement t hat t hey coul d be sexual wi t h
ot her peopl e, but t hat t hey coul dn' t f al l i n l ove wi t h anyone el se.
Then one of t hemdi d. ( I n hi ndsi ght , t hi s seems l i ke a f ai r l y si l l y
agr eement as t hough you coul d si mpl y deci de not t o f al l i n l ove! ) She
r emember s.
Ther e was a per i od i n whi ch we wer e havi ng check i ns one or t wo t i mes a
day. Thi s was a si t uat i on nei t her of us had ever pl anned on. We f ound
i t was ver y i mpor t ant t o st ay i n t he moment , and t o st ay wi t h t angi bl e
t hi ngs- yes, i t f eel s OK i f she sl eeps over whi l e I ' mout of t own; no,
i t doesn' t f eel r i ght f or you t o br i ng t he t wo of us t o t he same par t y.
We f ound, dur i ng t hat exper i ence as wel l as a si mi l ar one mor e
r ecent l y, t hat t he wor ds " i n l ove wi t h" wer e ki nd of a t r ap, and made
us bot h f eel ki nd of pani cky- t hat agr eement s t hat dwel l on measur abl e
f act or s such as t i me, behavi or and space wor k bet t er f or us.
Expect t o spend some t i me wor ki ng out your agr eement s. Expect t o hear
t hi ngs f r omyour l over s) t hat you di dn' t expect ; expect t o hear t hi ngs
f r omyour sel f t hat ar e al so sur pr i si ng. A gay coupl e we know st ar t ed
negot i at i ng f or openi ng t hei r r el at i onshi p, and di scover ed a bi g
di f f er ence i n t hei r expect at i ons of how t hat openness woul d wor k. One
man' s i mage of nonmonogamy was t hat out si de i nvol vement s woul d be
l i mi t ed t o one- ni ght st ands wi t h st r anger s, whi l e t he ot her man
envi si oned a f r i endl y ci r cl e of f uck buddi es. Thi s coupl e i s cur r ent l y
enj oyi ng monogamy whi l e t hey di scuss t hei r way ont o some mor e common
gr ound.
Expect t o t r y out some agr eement s and f i nd out t hat t hey dont wor k, and
expect t o need t o change t hem. You wi l l get bet t er at t hi s pr ocess
wi t h pr act i ce, and i n t i me you wi l l know your own and your par t ner s'
needs so wel l t hat negot i at i ng agr eement s wi l l be easy. But i n t he
begi nni ng, whi l e you ar e l ear ni ng, t i di ness won' t count anywher e near
as much as t ol er ance.
When you f i r st set out , some of t hese di scussi ons may get qui t e heat ed:
r emember , anger i s an emot i on t hat t el l s you what i s i mpor t ant t o you.
What i s const r uct i ve about t hese di f f i cul t t i mes i s what you l ear n
about your par t ner s and about your sel f . Don' t get di scour aged- al l t he
successf ul sl ut s you see who seemso car ef r ee have f ought over t hei r
agr eement s. You t oo can wor k your way t hr ough t hi s t angl ed web of
assumpt i ons and emot i ons, and l ear n t o l ove wi t h openness and
f r eedom.
PART I I I SLUTS I N THE WORLD
CHAPTER 1. A SLUT' S- EYE VI EW
Fr omt he sl ut ' s poi nt of vi ew, t he wor l d i s somet i mes a danger ous
pl ace. Lot s of peopl e seemt o t hi nk i t i s okay t o go t o any l engt hs t o
st op us f r ombei ng sexual . Some ant i - sex cr usader s t r y t o make l ovi ng
danger ous f or women by out l awi ng bi r t h cont r ol and abor t i on, l eadi ng t o
unwant ed pr egnanci es and back- al l ey medi cal car e. Ot her s woul d out l aw
access t o sex i nf or mat i on, i n school s or on t he I nt er net , so t hat our
chi l dr en cannot l ear n t o car e f or t hei r heal t h and wel l - bei ng, and have
no access t o saf er sex t r ai ni ng t hat woul d t each t hemhow t o avoi d
spr eadi ng AI DS. Some peopl e pur por t i ng t o have t he wor d f r omGod
pr each on t he publ i c ai r waves t hat AI DS i s a j ust puni shment f or any
sexual i t y t hat devi at es f r omwhat t hese sel f - pr ocl ai med godl y f ol k
bel i eve i s nor mal . We f i nd t hi s t r ul y obscene.
Ther e ar e pl aces wher e some peopl e bel i eve t hat bei ng a sl ut makes you
f ai r game f or vi ol ence. Why wer e you wal ki ng down t hat st r eet at ni ght
i n a shor t dr ess, or t i ght pant s? No wonder you got r aped, or
assaul t ed. Must be t he vi ct i m' s f aul t . And you l ook so queer no
wonder t hat gang deci ded t o beat you up.
We ar e al so consi der ed f ai r game f or ot her f or ms of oppr essi on.
Mul t i pl e sexual par t ner s can be seen as a good excuse t o t ake al l of
your pr oper t y, your chi l dr en and your f ut ur e i ncome i n a puni t i ve
di vor ce set t l ement . And dont f or get t o keep your soci al l i f e a secr et
on t he j ob.
You coul d l ose your j ob, or your pr omi se f or advancement , or your
pr of essi onal r eput at i on, i f you shar e your per sonal l i f e wi t h t he wr ong
per son.
j udgi ng our sel ves
We hope t hi s exami nat i on of t he danger s of sl ut t er y wi l l l ead you t o
ask your sel f some quest i ons. What i s my exper i ence of oppr essi on and
how does i t af f ect me? Who do I have t o l i e t o i n my l i f e? How does
t hi s af f ect me? What ar e my cl oset s? And as you l ook deeper , you
mi ght ask your sel f : what assumpt i ons have I made about how my sexual i t y
shoul d be? Do I have j udgment s about what " good" and " ni ce" peopl e do
t hat I wi nd up t ur ni ng agai nst mysel f ?
When we j udge our sel ves by cul t ur al val ues i mposed f r omt he out si de,
when women bel i eve t hey ought t o be smal l and qui et , when gay peopl e
bel i eve t hat t hei r sexual choi ce i s a neur osi s, or when we al l bel i eve
we woul d be bet t er peopl e i f we wer e abl e t o be monogamous, t hi s i s
i nt er nal i zed oppr essi on. When we appl y t hese unf ai r j udgment s t o ot her
peopl e who ar e l i ke us, when we see our f r i ends as t oo sl ut t y or t oo
f r ee, t hi s i s cal l ed hor i zont al host i l i t y. We suggest you l ook t hr ough
t he pr ecedi ng sect i on on myt hs, st er eot ypes and oppr essi on as a
checkl i st , t o see wher e your own bel i ef s t hat you l ear ned i n our sex
negat i ve cul t ur e mi ght be get t i ng i n your way.
sanct i ons agai nst sl ut s
Those of us who choose t o r un our l i ves and l oves i n an unconvent i onal
manner shoul d pr obabl y be pr epar ed f or t he f act t hat many par t s of t he
wor l d wi l l not wel come us wi t h open ar ms. Whi l e t her e ar e cer t ai nl y
ways t o pr ot ect your sel f agai nst some soci al , l ogi st i cal and f i nanci al
consequences, we can' t guar ant ee t hat t her e never wi l l be consequences.
I t ' s not easy bei ng easy.
Ex- spouses, par ent s, i n- l aws, and ot her s who dont shar e your val ues
about t he pot ent i al f or i ncl usi ve r el at i onshi ps may be host i l e. Your
f r i endl y nei ghbor hood past or may not be sympat het i c, ei t her . And
br i ngi ng bot h of your par t ner s t o t he company pi cni c i s not a good way
t o ensur e your cont i nued ascent t hr ough t he cor por at e hi er ar chy. We
r ecommend ext r eme caut i on i n choosi ng who t o come out t o: yes, we know
you' r e bl i ssf ul l y happy and want t o shar e your j oy wi t h t he wor l d, but
r emember , you can' t un- t el l . We know peopl e who have l ost j obs, chi l d
cust ody and mor e because t he wr ong peopl e have become awar e of t hei r
sexual choi ces.
Some l andl or ds ar e qui t e r el uct ant t o r ent t o gr oups t hat dont conf or m
t o t he t r adi t i onal f ami l y st r uct ur e; al t hough t hi s may be t echni cal l y
i l l egal , i n our exper i ence i t ' s common, and we suggest t hat you be
pr epar ed t o t el l a t eeny whi t e l i e when necessar y. ( " Why, yes, he' s my
adopt ed br ot her . Oh, t hat ? Wel l , I use my mar r i ed name. . . " ) Some
l eases cont ai n cl auses t hat al l ow l andl or ds t o t er mi nat e r ent al
agr eement s on t he basi s of " i mmor al behavi or " or " associ at i on wi t h
undesi r abl e peopl e, " and most al l ow t hemt o ki ck you out f or i l l egal
behavi or - whi ch i n some st at es i ncl udes non- mar i t al sex and/ or
sodomy.
Si mi l ar l y, your per sonal l ove and sex ar r angement s ar e best kept out of
t he wor kpl ace: bot h of us have l ost j obs and cl i ent s f or bei ng who we
ar e. Whi l e some ci t i es and st at es of f er some pr ot ect i on t o peopl e who
ar e gay, l esbi an or t r ansgender , we ar e not awar e of any t hat guar ant ee
equal r i ght s f or sl ut s. Unl ess you ar e absol ut el y cer t ai n t hat your
empl oyer or your co- wor ker i s sl ut - posi t i ve- not j ust t hat she' s a
swel l per son wi t h a gr eat f und of di r t y j okes, or t hat he used t o sl eep
ar ound i n col l ege- we r ecommend a capaci ous and wel l - i nsul at ed
cl oset .
gover nment i s not our f r i end
As we wr i t e t hi s, our nat i on' s var i ous pol i t i cal est abl i shment s ar e
wr est l i ng over t he i ssue of whet her peopl e of t he same gender ought t o
be abl e t o par t ake i n t he f i nanci al and soci al benef i t s of l egal
mar r i age. ( Wi t h any l uck, we' l l be abl e t o edi t t hat st at ement out of
f ut ur e edi t i ons of t hi s book. )
Whi l e we cer t ai nl y t hi nk t hat same- sex coupl es ar e ent i t l ed t o t he same
benef i t s as opposi t e- sex coupl es, we st r ongl y quest i on what busi ness
any of t hi s i s of t he gover nment ' s. For sever al cent ur i es, gover nment
has subt l y or not - so- subt l y at t empt ed t o enf or ce i t s i deas of what
const i t ut es a pr oper r el at i onshi p bet ween human bei ngs, by of f er i ng a
f i nanci al l y and soci al l y desi r abl e l egal st at us onl y t o t hose who meet
i t s cr i t er i a. As a r esul t , we' ve seen l aws t hat f or bi d mar r i age
bet ween peopl e of di f f er ent r aces, l aws t hat gi ve pr ef er r ed t ax st at us
t o mar r i ed coupl es ( Dossi e r emember s t ax l aws t hat gave wi dows l ower
t axes t han si ngl e par ent s) , l aws t hat di ct at e exact l y how mar r i ed
coupl es must shar e t hei r money and bel ongi ngs, l aws t hat t el l you what
gender of per son you' r e al l owed t o mar r y, l aws t hat t el l you what
number of per sons you' r e al l owed t o mar r y, and many ot her coer ci ve l aws
even l aws t hat t el l you you' r e mar r i ed when you di dn' t choose t o be,
l i ke common- l aw mar r i age. I n or der t o be al l owed t o be a st at e at al l ,
t he t er r i t or y of Ut ah had t o pass l aws t hat onl y t wo peopl e wer e
al l owed i n a mar r i age, nul l i f yi ng an honor ed t r adi t i on of Mor mon
pol ygamy. ( Some Mor mon gr oups, we hear , st i l l l i ve i n est abl i shed
mul t i - par t ner mar r i ages i n def i ance of t hose l aws. Good f or t hem! )
We see mar r i age l aws i mposed by t he gover nment as a bl at ant vi ol at i on
of t he Const i t ut i onal separ at i on of chur ch and st at e, as wel l as a ver y
bad envi r onment f or sl ut t er y. We t hi nk t hat most peopl e ar e abl e t o
f i gur e out and codi f y t hei r own cont r act ual agr eement s agr eement s t hat
speci f y how t hey wi l l shar e t hei r bel ongi ngs, make t hei r deci si ons,
r ai se t hei r chi l dr en, car e f or t hei r si ck and el der l y, and ar r ange f or
t hei r f ut ur es t oget her . And, f or t hose who can' t or dont want t o do
t he wor k of f i gur i ng al l t hat out f r omscr at ch, we know t her e ar e
chur ches, suppor t gr oups, medi at or s, publ i cat i ons and ot her r esour ces
t o hel p cr eat e agr eement s t hat meet t hei r st andar ds.
OK, end of r ant . You know and we know t hat our gover nment i s not
l i kel y t o get out of t he mar r i age busi ness anyt i me soon. I n t he
meant i me, however , t hose of us who ar e t oo sl ut t y, t oo queer or t oo
cyni cal t o buy i nt o t hi s one- mal e one- f emal e t i l l - deat h- do- us- par t
model had best l ear n t o make our own agr eement s, and t o deal wi t h t he
r eal - wor l d r ami f i cat i ons of doi ng wi t hout of f i ci al " suppor t " f or our
chosen l i f est yl es.
l egal agr eement s
I f you and your par t ner s) ar e l i vi ng i n a somewhat mar r i age- l i ke
st r uct ur e, wi t h t he expect at i on of shar i ng pr oper t y, pr ovi di ng f or one
anot her i n t he event of i l l ness or deat h, r ai si ng chi l dr en, or r unni ng
a busi ness t oget her , we st r ongl y r ecommend of f i ci al l egal document at i on
of your st at us and i nt ent i ons. Ter r i f yi ng st or i es of l over kept f r om
l over when someone get s hospi t al i zed, a l ongt i me par t ner l ef t penni l ess
and homel ess af t er someone' s unexpect ed deat h, i ndi vi dual s who have
been par ent s i n al l ways but bl ood l osi ng an or phaned chi l d t o a
par t ner ' s par ent s or ex- spouse, and so on, shoul d be enough t o convi nce
you t hat i t ' s t i me t o get of f i ci al about al l t hi s.
You do not l egal l y own your chi l dr en, and t he l egal agr eement s you can
make about t hemar e l i mi t ed by t hat f act . You can use your wi l l t o
expr ess your desi r es about who wi l l car e f or your chi l dr en af t er your
deat h, but t he cour t may not be obl i ged t o f ol l ow your wi shes. I n some
cases a non- bi ol ogi cal par ent can adopt a l over ' s chi l dr en as a
st eppar ent . But your chi l dr en ar e not pr oper t y, and you cannot gi ve
t hemt o anyone you choose.
Asi de f r omt hat , i t i s possi bl e, and not di f f i cul t , t o make f ul l y l egal
cont r act s t o document your agr eement s on r el at i onshi p i ssues. A
publ i shi ng company cal l ed Nol o Pr ess speci al i zes i n do- i t - your sel f
l egal books, compl et e wi t h f or ms and st ep- by- st ep i nst r uct i ons.
Cat her i ne and her par t ner have chosen not t o engage i n l egal mar r i age
al t hough, si nce t hey' r e an opposi t e- sex coupl e, t hey coul d do so;
i nst ead, t hey used t he " Legal Gui de f or Lesbi an and Gay Coupl es"
( l i st ed i n t he Bi bl i ogr aphy) t o out l i ne t hei r l egal agr eement s wi t h
power s of at t or ney and wi l l s.
Pay speci al at t ent i on t o dur abl e power s of at t or ney f or f i nance and
heal t h car e, and t o wi l l s. Whi l e t he l aw wi l l not suppor t ever yt hi ng
an eager sl ut mi ght want t o do wi t h hi s money and pr oper t y, your
chances of havi ng your desi r es uphel d by t he l aw wi l l be gr eat l y
i mpr oved i f you expr ess t hemi n a f or mal l egal manner .
I f your agr eement s ar e par t i cul ar l y compl i cat ed, or i f t hi ngs of gr eat
val ue ( such as a l ot of money or a successf ul busi ness) ar e i nvol ved,
you may want t o go beyond t he do- i t - your sel f l evel and cont act an
at t or ney. I f you have t hat ki nd of money, you pr obabl y know mor e about
t hi s t han we do. Do t r y t o f i nd an at t or ney who i s open t o
nont r adi t i onal r el at i onshi ps.
We have nei t her t he space nor t he exper t i se t o t el l you al l t he ways
t hat peopl e wi t h non- t r adi t i onal sexual i t i es can go about set t i ng up
t hei r l i ves- opt i ons r ange al l t he way f r omadopt i ng your par t ner t o
set t i ng up a busi ness t r ust , and beyond. But pl ease, dont assume t hat
your good i nt ent i ons, hear t f el t l ove and gener al wonder f ul ness wi l l
pr ot ect you. Sl ut s dont have t hat l uxur y. Do your homewor k and get
t he l aw on your si de.
CHAPTER 2. HEALTH
I n t hi s danger ous er a, t he t er m" saf e sex" has t aken on a speci f i c
meani ng" sex desi gned t o mi ni mi ze t he r i sk of HI V t r ansmi ssi on. " But
sex has never been al t oget her saf e. Bot h your aut hor s ar e ol d enough
t o have gr own up i n an er a when an unwant ed pr egnancy meant a l i f e
endanger i ng i l l egal abor t i on. I t ' s been onl y a f ew decades si nce mor e
r el i abl e bi r t h cont r ol became avai l abl e, and onl y a f ew bef or e t hat
si nce ant i bi ot i cs began cur i ng i l l ness, i nsani t y and deat h caused by
sexual l y t r ansmi t t ed di seases ( STDs) . Seen i n hi st or i cal per spect i ve,
t oday' s envi r onment , i n whi ch car el ess sex can ki l l , i s t he nor m, not
t he except i on. Whi ch means t hat you have t o pr ot ect your sel f and your
par t ner s.
Gi ven t hat sex i s never compl et el y saf e, et hi cal sl ut s put t i me, ef f or t
and commi t ment i nt o get t i ng as much sex at as l i t t l e r i sk as possi bl e.
Hence, t he t er m" saf er sex" has spr ung i nt o use, and i s t he t er mwe
have used t hr oughout t hi s book t o r ef er t o t he many r i sk- r educt i on
st r at egi es t hat can hel p mi ni mi ze t he chances of i nf ect i on and/ or
unwant ed pr egnancy.
Some of t he saf er - sex i nf or mat i on out t her e t hese days r ef er s t o AI DS
as t hough t hat wer e t he onl y i nf ect i on you had t o wor r y about . I t
i sn' t . Thus, we' r e not goi ng t o spend a l ot of t i me debat i ng whi ch
f or ms of sexual expr essi on ar e l i kel i er t han ot her s t o t r ansmi t HI V
f i r st , t he i nf or mat i on avai l abl e on t hi s t opi c changes al most weekl y
and woul d undoubt edl y be obsol et e by t he t i me t hi s book sees pr i nt ; and
second, you need t o pr ot ect your sel f agai nst HI V and agai nst her pes,
hepat i t i s, gonor r hea, syphi l i s, chl amydi a, shi gel l a, human papi l l oma
vi r us, cer vi cal cancer , unwant ed pr egnancy and a host of ot her
nast i es.
On t he ot her hand, we dont t hi nk i t ' s necessar i l y a good i dea t o t el l
you t o cover ever y por t i on of your anat omy wi t h l at ex bef or e you t ouch
anot her human bei ng. Such advi ce smacks a bi t t o us of " J ust say no, "
and we t hi nk peopl e of t en r eact t o such bl i t he bl anket advi ce wi t h an
al l - or - not hi ng shr ug- t hey' r e not wi l l i ng t o f ol l ow i t t o t he l et t er ,
so t hey dont f ol l ow i t at al l and wi nd up si ck or dead.
St i l l , t her e or e ways t o cont i nue t o have hot sat i sf yi ng sex wi t hout
per f or mi ng t he er ot i c equi val ent of skydi vi ng wi t h a f aul t y par achut e.
Her e ar e some t hat we, and t he peopl e we know, have used
successf ul l y.
f l ui d bondi ng
A st r at egy used by some sl ut s who ar e i n a pr i mar y r el at i onshi p i s
cal l ed " f l ui d bondi ng" or " f l ui d monogamy. " Bot h of us have such
agr eement s wi t h our l i f e par t ner s. To do t hi s ki nd of agr eement , bot h
( or al l ) par t ner s get t hor oughl y t est ed f or HI V and ot her di seases.
Thi s may mean wai t i ng si x mont hs t o be sur e, si nce HI V ant i bodi es dont
r el i abl y show up i n t he bl oodst r eamf or t hat l ong af t er t he i ndi vi dual
i s i nf ect ed. Once you' r e bot h sur e you' r e heal t hy, you agr ee t o
pr act i ce unpr ot ect ed sex wi t h one anot her , but t o use bar r i er s
( condoms, gl oves, dent al dams and so on) wi t h ot her s. Be sur e you' r e
i n cl ear agr eement about whi ch act i vi t i es ar e saf e enough t o do wi t hout
a bar r i er and whi ch ones r equi r e a bar r i er ; t o r each such an agr eement ,
ever yone i nvol ved wi l l have t o do some homewor k on t he r i sk l evel s of
var i ous act i vi t i es, and deci de t oget her what l evel of r i sk i s
accept abl e t o you.
I n addi t i on, you may wi sh t o r est r i ct some ki nds of sex- many peopl e
f ocus on vagi nal and/ or anal i nt er cour se, whi ch pl ace t he par t i ci pant s
at hi gher r i sk f or di sease t r ansmi ssi on- t o your pr i mar y
r el at i onshi p.
Anot her good r eason f or f l ui d bondi ng i s baby maki ng i f you and your
pr i mar y par t ner ar e t r yi ng t o become par ent s, you mi ght not want t o
engage i n pot ent i al l y r epr oduct i ve act i vi t i es wi t h al l and sundr y.
I f bar r i er s wer e i nf al l i bl e, f l ui d bondi ng woul d be a near l y per f ect
st r at egy. Unf or t unat el y, t hey ar e not . Pi nhol e l eaks can al l ow vi r us
t o cr eep t hr ough, al t hough t hi s happens l ess of t en t han ant i - sex
cr usader s woul d have you bel i eve. Condoms can br eak or come of f dur i ng
sex. I f you ar e f l ui d- bonded and exper i ence a condomf ai l ur e, you and
your par t ner wi l l have t o deci de t oget her whet her t o begi n agai n wi t h
HI V t est i ng and si x mont hs of bar r i er usage, or t o r i sk t he possi bi l i t y
t hat one of you has been i nf ect ed and coul d i nf ect t he ot her .
el i mi nat i ng hi gh- r i sk behavi or s
Anot her r i sk r educt i on st r at egy i s si mpl y t o el i mi nat e some f or ms of
sexual expr essi on f r omyour r eper t oi r e. Many peopl e have chosen t o
f or ego f or ms of sex t hat i nvol ve put t i ng hands, mout hs or peni ses i nt o
or near asshol es, f eel i ng t hat t he par t i cul ar l y hi gh r i sks of t hi s f or m
of pl ay ar e not wor t h i t s r ewar ds. ( We not e t hat medi cal j our nal s have
yet t o i ncl ude a case st udy of a di l do or but t pl ug comi ng down wi t h a
di sease. ) Ot her s have deci ded not t o engage i n any f or mof penet r at i on
wi t h an or gani c peni s.
Ever y such deci si on you make r equi r es t hat you bal ance your own desi r es
agai nst your assessment of t he r i sks. Remember when you' r e maki ng your
deci si ons t hat desi r e i s power f ul and i mpor t ant , and t hat t her e' s no
poi nt i n maki ng r ul es you can' t l i ve wi t h st ar vi ng and hi ngi ng i s an
even wor se pat t er n f or sl ut s t han i t i s f or di et er s. On t he posi t i ve
si de, expandi ng your r ange of hot sexual expr essi on by l ear ni ng new and
exci t i ng ways t o have sex can l eave you bot h saf e and sat i sf i ed.
bar r i er usage
Many peopl e deci de t o f ol l ow t hei r sexual ur ges, but t o be scr upul ous
about t he use of l at ex or pol yur et hane bar r i er s and ot her saf er sex
st r at egi es. We hope you dont need us t o expl ai n t hi s t o you at t hi s
poi nt i n hi st or y, but car ef ul use of bar r i er s i ncl udes condoms f or
vagi nal sex, anal sex and f el l at i o; gl oves f or mast ur bat i on of a mal e
or f emal e par t ner or f or i nser t i on of f i nger s i nt o vagi nas or anuses;
and dent al dams or pl ast i c wr ap f or cunni l i ngus or anal i ngus. I t al so
i ncl udes pl aci ng a l at ex bar r i er ( a gl ove or condom) over any sex t oy
t hat wi l l be used by mor e t han one per son, and cl eani ng t hat t oy
t hor oughl y wi t h an ant i vi r al sol ut i on af t er each use.
The use of a good wat er - based l ubr i cant can do wonder s t o make l at exed
sex mor e pl easur abl e f or bot h or al l par t ner s. For t i ps on how t o use
bar r i er s i n a pl easur e- enhanci ng manner , check out our chapt er on sex
and some of t he books i n t he Bi bl i ogr aphy. And i f you' r e not
compl et el y comf or t abl e usi ng any of t hese bar r i er s, pr act i ce!
Gent l emen can mast ur bat e wi t h a condom( or t wo, or t hr ee) , unt i l i t
comes easy. We have hear d of one dedi cat ed f el l ow who managed t o put on
ei ght een condoms at once he sai d i t f el t r eal l y good. And why not get
a l i t t l e pl ayf ul wi t h your r ubber ?
Af t er doi ng car ef ul r esear ch i nt o avai l abl e i nf or mat i on about t he
r el at i ve r i sks of var i ous sexual behavi or s, some peopl e deci de t hat
some of t hese act i vi t i es ar e saf e enough t o per f or mwi t hout a bar r i er .
Saf er sex wor kshops ar e avai l abl e i n most communi t i es now, and t he
pl ace wher e you get your HI V t est wi l l know wher e t o f i nd t hem. We
ur ge t hought f ul ness and conser vat i smi n maki ng such choi ces- we need
al l t he r eader s we can get , so we dont want t o l ose you.
f i nger - cr ossi ng
Si mpl y hopi ng f or t he best , or denyi ng t hat you' r e at r i sk, or
pr et endi ng t hat di seases and unwant ed pr egnanci es onl y happen t o ot her
peopl e, i s not an accept abl e st r at egy. I f you dont have t he honest y
and cour age t o f ace t he genui ne r i sks of your sexual behavi or s, you
cer t ai nl y dont have what i t t akes t o be an et hi cal sl ut , and we
quest i on whet her you shoul d be havi ng sex at al l .
We ar e shocked and wor r i ed by t he l evel s of deni al we see among some
sexual communi t i es, who woul d l i ke t o bel i eve t hat because HI V hasn' t
yet deci mat ed t hemas i t has t he gay mal e communi t y, t hey must be
somehow i mmune. New st r ai ns of HI V ar e const ant l y bei ng di scover ed,
and i t appear s t hat t r ansmi ssi on pat t er ns may var y f r omone st r ai n t o
t he next - and even i f you' r e not at par t i cul ar l y hi gh r i sk f or cur r ent
st r ai ns of HI V, you cer t ai nl y ar e f or her pes, hepat i t i s and a host of
ot her di seases. Get educat ed, f r i end, and t ake car e of your sel f .
t est i ng and pr event i on
We t hi nk i t ' s essent i al f or et hi cal sl ut s t o get t est ed f or HI V and
ot her sexual l y t r ansmi t t ed di seases on a r egul ar schedul e. How
f r equent l y depends on a number of r i sk f act or s i n your l i f e. Ask your
doct or , cl i ni c or Pl anned Par ent hood of f i ce, and f ol l ow t hei r advi ce.
Whi l e most STDs ar e pr event abl e onl y wi t h bar r i er s and car e, r ecent
medi cal devel opment s have evol ved vacci nat i ons t hat pr ot ect you agai nst
sever al pot ent i al l y deadl y f or ms of hepat i t i s. I f you engage i n
non- monogamous anal pl ay, t hese ar e a ver y good i dea. They ar e
expensi ve, but cheaper t han get t i ng si ck. Get ' em.
bi r t h cont r ol
Mot her Nat ur e i s cal l ed t hat f or a r eason somet i mes i t seems l i ke she
want s ever ybody t o be a par ent . ( " So, when ar e you goi ng t o gi ve me a
gr andchi l d?" )
Bi r t h cont r ol t echnol ogy i s, al as, f ar f r omper f ect : r el i abl e,
r ever si bl e, easy, si de- ef f ect - f r ee cont r acept i on i s st i l l a dr eam.
Unwant ed pr egnanci es need no l onger be t he l i f e- shat t er i ng t r agedi es of
yest er year , but t hey ar e st i l l awf ul , and we hope t hat none of you ever
has t o have one.
I f you ar e f emal e, and have i nt er cour se wi t h men, and ar e not cer t ai n
t hat you ar e not f er t i l e, you must t ake act i ve st eps t o ensur e t hat you
won' t get pr egnant unt i l and unl ess you want t o. Bi r t h- cont r ol pi l l s,
l onger - t er mchemi cal bi r t h cont r ol l i ke Nor pl ant and Depo- Pr over a,
di aphr agms and cer vi cal caps, condoms, i UDs, sponges and f oam, t ubal
l i gat i on, and ot her possi bi l i t i es exi st . Some women wi t h r egul ar
menst r ual cycl es succeed at t he r hyt hmmet hod, par t i cul ar l y i f t hey
l ear n t o enj oy out er cour se dur i ng t hei r f er t i l e per i ods. Ther e i s a
l ot of good i nf or mat i on avai l abl e about t he r i sks and r el i abi l i t y of
al l t hese met hods; your physi ci an, cl i ni c, or Pl anned Par ent hood can
hel p you make a good choi ce.
For men who have i nt er cour se wi t h women, t he choi ces ar e
( unf or t unat el y) qui t e l i mi t ed. I f you know you ar e unl i kel y t o want t o
f at her chi l dr en i n t he f ut ur e, a vasect omy i s mi nor sur ger y t hat wi l l
r el i eve you of a gr eat deal of wor r y. I f you hope t o be a f at her
someday.
use t hose condoms- and l obby f or r esear ch i nt o bet t er mal e
cont r acept i on.
So what i f someone get s pr egnant anyway? Thi s can be, t o put i t
mi l dl y, di f f i cul t . I f t he par t ner s agr ee t hat an abor t i on i s t he best
choi ce, t hat ' s pr et t y t r aumat i c i n and of i t sel f ; i f t her e i s
di sagr eement , i t can be shat t er i ng. Unt i l such t i me as sci ence enabl es
men t o car r y f et uses i n t hei r bodi es, we bel i eve t hat t he f i nal
deci si on has t o be t he woman' s, but we bi t t er l y sympat hi ze wi t h t he man
who woul d l i ke t o r ai se a baby and whose f emal e par t ner i sn' t wi l l i ng
or abl e t o car r y i t t o t er m. We do t hi nk t hat bot h par t ner s shoul d
shar e i n t he f i nanci al and emot i onal bur den of an abor t i on or a
pr egnancy.
I f one or bot h par t ner s i s i nt er est ed i n bei ng a par ent , and t he woman
i s wi l l i ng t o car r y t he f et us t o t er m, et hi cal sl ut hood opens up a
weal t h of opt i ons f or par ent i ng. Pl ease dont f eel t hat t he onl y way t o
be a par ent i s t o get mar r i ed and buy a house i n t he subur bs per f ect l y
mar vel ous chi l dr en come out of shar ed par ent i ng ar r angement s,
i nt ent i onal communi t i es, gr oup mar r i ages and a mul t i t ude of ot her ways
t o nur t ur e and suppor t a chi l d. ( Mor e about t hi s next chapt er . )
commi t t i ng t o heal t hy sex
You may not i ce t hat we have gone out of our way not t o t el l you what
deci si ons t o make about your sexual behavi or . That ' s because onl y you
can deci de what r i sks f eel accept abl e t o you, and we bel i eve t hat
l et t i ng anybody el se make t hat deci si on f or you vi r t ual l y guar ant ees
t hat you won' t f ol l ow t hr ough on your choi ces.
You must , however , make choi ces. You must choose t o do your homewor k,
and l ear n what you need t o know about r i sks and r ewar ds. You must
choose t o do t he wor k of sayi ng " no" t o sex t hat doesn' t meet your own
saf et y cr i t er i a, and of bei ng pr epar ed t o say " yes" t o sex t hat does:
di scover i ng you' r e out of condoms at t he wr ong moment i s a r eci pe f or
di sast er . You must choose t o appr oach your sexual behavi or s i n a
mat ur e, r eal i st i c and sober manner i nt oxi cat i on pl ays a maj or r ol e i n a
shocki ngl y hi gh per cent age of HI V i nf ect i on and unwant ed pr egnancy.
And you must be pr epar ed t o shar e your sexual deci si on- maki ng and
hi st or y wi t h any pot ent i al par t ner s you encount er . I f consent i s at
t he cor e of et hi cal sl ut hood - and i t i s- your par t ner s must be abl e t o
gi ve i nf or med consent t o what ever r i sks ar e i nvol ved i n havi ng sex wi t h
you. You, of cour se, have t he r i ght t o expect t hat same honest y f r om
t hem.
You won' t l i ke t al ki ng about t hi s st uf f , especi al l y not wi t h a new
l over . I t ' s depr essi ng and scar y, def i ni t el y not er ot i c, and somet i mes
hor r endousl y embar r assi ng. Al l ow us t o r eassur e you: t he f i r st t i me i s
t he wor st . Pr act i ce makes per f ect , and af t er you' ve been over al l
t hese ugl y and l et hal possi bi l i t i es a f ew t i mes, you wi l l become l ess
sensi t i ve and l ear n t o deal wi t h what you need t o wi t h ease and gr ace.
And i t ' s wel l wor t h t he i nvest ment : get t i ng good at t al ki ng about sex
has ot her r ewar ds, l i ke get t i ng exact l y what you want i n t he way of
pl easur e.
We, and most of t he peopl e we know, make f ai r l y conser vat i ve choi ces
about what heal t h r i sks we t ake i n our sexual i t y- and we know f r om
exper i ence t hat i t i s qui t e possi bl e t o have exci t i ng, sat i sf yi ng,
f abul ousl y sl ut t y sex wi t hout l yi ng awake ni ght s wor r yi ng af t er war ds.
And i sn' t t hat t he ki nd of sex we al l want t o have?
CHAPTER 3. CHI LD REARI NG
I f you' r e r ai si ng ki ds t oday, you have i t a l i t t l e bi t easi er t han
sl ut s of yest er year i mages of f ami l i es i n books and t el evi si on ar en' t
qui t e as l i mi t ed t o " The Bobbsey Twi ns" and " Ozzi e and Har r i et " as t hey
wer e i n our chi l dhoods. St i l l , even t hough di vor ce and si ngl e par ent s
ar e now accept abl e t opi cs, our cul t ur e i s bei ng r at her sl ow t o cat ch up
t o t he ot her r eal i t i es of our l i ves: medi a i mages of mul t i par t ner
r el at i onshi ps, same sex r el at i onshi ps and ot her nont r adi t i onal model s
ar e st i l l pr et t y r ar e.
Yet ki ds t ake t o t hese r el at i onshi ps qui t e r eadi l y- per haps mor e so
t han t o t he t r adi t i onal nucl ear f ami l y: chi l dr en' s need f or t r i be may
be even mor e pr onounced t han adul t s' . Cat her i ne r emember s havi ng some
of her f i r st desi r es f or gr oup l i vi ng dur i ng vacat i ons wi t h her t hen
husband ext ended f ami l y, when she not i ced t hat her ki ds, sur r ounded by
l ovi ng adul t s wi t h pl ent y of t i me on t hei r hands, wer e happi er , mor e
doci l e and l ess f r agment ed t han she' d ever seen t hem. Today, she l i ves
i n a gr oup househol d, and t hough her sons ar e near l y gr own, t hey have
adapt ed qui t e r eadi l y t o t he comi ngs and goi ngs of a di spar at e gr oup of
adul t s- one of whomi s al most al ways f r ee t o answer a quest i on,
t r oubl eshoot a comput er pr ogr am, exper i ment wi t h a r eci pe, or pl ay a
game.
I n cont r ast t o t he di l emma of t he t r adi t i onal si ngl e par ent who must
deci de how and i f t o br i ng sex par t ner s back t o t he home she shar es
wi t h her ki ds, t he et hi cal sl ut may have a number of cr eat i ve opt i ons
f or mai nt ai ni ng a f ul f i l l i ng sex l i f e whi l e bei ng a r esponsi bl e par ent .
When Dossi e was shar i ng a house wi t h t wo ot her si ngl e mot her s, one of
her l over s used t o babysi t al l t he ki ds so t he mot her s had a chance t o
go out t oget her . And one f r i end of our s used t o babysi t f or her
younger si st er and t he ki ds next door so t hat her par ent s coul d mess
ar ound wi t h t he next - door nei ghbor s.
St i l l , many par ent s have a gr eat deal of di f f i cul t y br i dgi ng t he gap
bet ween r esponsi bl e par ent i ng and i ncl usi ve r el at i onshi ps. Quest i ons
about what and how much t o t el l your ki ds, how t o pr epar e t hemf or
di f f i cul t quest i ons i n t he out si de wor l d, and how t o hel p t hemr el at e
t o t he new peopl e who ar r i ve and depar t i n t hei r l i ves can be
chal l engi ng f or any momor dad.
We t hi nk t hat t he most i mpor t ant char act er i st i c you can br i ng t o bear
i n t he l i ves of your chi l dr en i s consi st ency. Ki ds, especi al l y younger
ones, dont deal wel l wi t h her e- t oday- gone- t omor r ow connect i ons. Whi l e
i t ' s easy t o assume t hat i ncl usi ve r el at i onshi ps mi ght cr eat e massi ve
i nconsi st ency, our exper i ence i s j ust t he opposi t e. The bi nar y nat ur e
of monogamy- cent r i st t hi nki ng t ends, we t hi nk, t o cause pr obl ems:
you' r e ei t her t he l ove of my l i f e, or you' r e out of her e. Bot h of us
have f ound t hat openi ng our l i ves t o ot her ki nds of connect i ons al so
opens our chi l dr en' s l i ves. For exampl e, a f or mer l over of Cat her i ne' s
has not been sexual l y i nvol ved wi t h her f or qui t e a whi l e, but has
become a sor t of sur r ogat e uncl e and best f r i end t o one of her sons and
i s st i l l a l oved member of her househol d as she wr i t es t hi s, he i s
asl eep on a f ut on on her l i vi ng r oomf l oor .
SEX EDUCATI ON FOR KI DS
As you' ve sur mi sed, we t hi nk i ncl usi ve emot i onal r el at i onshi ps can be
hi ghl y benef i ci al t o f ami l y l i f e, and t hat chi l dr en gai n i n r ol e
model s.
at t ent i on and suppor t i n t he pol yamor ous ext ended f ami l y. Cl ear l y,
chi l dr en shoul d not be i ncl uded i n adul t sexual behavi or , and t her e ar e
many adul t s ar ound who have been wounded by sexual abuse as chi l dr en
who can t est i f y t o t he damages. Chi l dr en do, however , need enough
i nf or mat i on t o make sense out of what t he adul t s ar e doi ng, so t hey can
gr ow up t o t hei r own heal t hy under st andi ng of sexual i t y.
Al l par ent s must make t hei r own deci si ons about what ki nd of sexual
i nf or mat i on t hei r chi l dr en shoul d have at any gi ven age. For t he
heal t h and wel l - bei ng of t he chi l d, a bal ance must be st r uck bet ween
of f er i ng t oo much i nf or mat i on, whi ch mi ght seemscar y or over whel mi ng,
and t oo l i t t l e, whi ch mi ght l eave t he chi l d wi t h t he message t hat naked
bodi es and sexual ar ousal ar e so danger ous and embar r assi ng t hat i t ' s
not al l owed t o even t al k about t hem. We dont want t o t er r i f y t he ki ds,
and we dont want t hemt o come i nt o t hei r own adul t sexual l i ves wi t h
t he bel i ef t hat sex i s di r t y and shamef ul .
To make mat t er s mor e compl i cat ed, our cul t ur e cur r ent l y i s deepl y
di vi ded about t he ent i r e subj ect of ki ds and sex. Some peopl e consi der
any f or mof sex educat i on t o be chi l d abuse, and many do not f eel t hat
chi l dr en shoul d have any i nf or mat i on at al l about adul t sexual
act i vi t i es. Some aut hor i t i es f eel t hat when chi l dr en have " pr ecoci ous"
i nf or mat i on about sex, t hat must mean t hat t he chi l d i s bei ng abused by
an adul t . How ar e we t o t each our chi l dr en t o say " no" t o an abusi ve
adul t i f we ar e not f r ank about what i t i s t hat t hey shoul d say no
t o?
what shoul d t hey know?
You' l l have t o deci de how much your ki ds shoul d know about your sexual
choi ces, such as mul t i pl e par t ner s, same- sex par t ner s or al t er nat i ve
f ami l y st r uct ur es. Our exper i ence i s t hat ki ds f i gur e such t hi ngs out
qui cker t han you t hi nk t hey do, but t hat t hey may not f i gur e t hemout
exact l y r i ght . I t ' s a del i cat e bal ance bet ween gi vi ng your chi l dr en
enough i nf or mat i on t o answer t hei r quest i ons and al l ay t hei r
di scomf or t , and gi vi ng t hemt oo much i nf or mat i on and t hus f r i ght eni ng
t hemor t ur ni ng t hemof f .
One wor d of war ni ng: i f your ki ds ar en' t ol d enough t o keep such
i nf or mat i on t o t hemsel ves, i t may be best not t o shar e i t wi t h t hem.
One f r i end of our s, who had a l ovel y pi er ci ng pl aced i n her cl i t or al
hood as a symbol of commi t ment t o her par t ner , was di smayed t o f i nd out
t hat her ver y young daught er had t ol d her school f r i ends and t eacher s
t hat " Mommy has an ear r i ng i n her peni s. " For t unat el y, her e i n l i ber al
San Fr anci sco, no t r oubl e ensued- but t he endi ng mi ght not have been so
happy el sewher e. Ther e ar e many pl aces i n t hi s count r y wher e l i vi ng i n
a nont r adi t i onal sexual l i f est yl e i s consi der ed a j ust i f i cat i on f or
l egal l y r emovi ng your chi l dr en f r omyour cust ody. Even when you ar e
sur e you ar e doi ng no har m, you st i l l may need t o pr ot ect your ki ds
f r omMr s. Gr undy.
what shoul d t hey see?
We t hi nk i t ' s a good i dea t o model physi cal and ver bal af f ect i on f or
chi l dr en; t hat ' s how t hey l ear n t o be af f ect i onat e adul t s. But you' l l
have t o make some deci si ons about t he appr opr i at e di vi di ng l i ne bet ween
physi cal af f ect i on and sexual demonst r at i ve ness
Do your ki ds get t o see you huggi ng your par t ner s? Ki ssi ng t hem?
Touchi ng t hem? These ar e al l deci si ons we can' t make f or you. You
have t o t hi nk t hemt hr ough your sel f - t aki ng i nt o account such i ssues as
t hei r ages, t hei r l evel s of sophi st i cat i on, and t hei r per cept i ons about
your exi st i ng r el at i onshi ps- and abi de by your own deci si ons.
Nudi t y i s a gr ay ar ea. We cer t ai nl y dont t hi nk ki ds ar e ser i ousl y
har med by gr owi ng up i n househol ds wher e casual nudi t y i s t he nor m.
But a chi l d who has never been ar ound nude adul t s may be upset i f
nudi t y i s suddenl y i nt r oduced i nt o hi s l i vi ng ar r angement s. Ki ds ar e
al so ver y sensi t i ve t o i ssues l i ke sexual di spl ay: i f you sense t hat
anybody i s " st r ut t i ng t hei r st uf f " i nst ead of si mpl y bei ng comf or t abl y
nude, t hat ' s not a good envi r onment f or ki ds. Cer t ai nl y, i f a chi l d
expr esses di scomf or t wi t h bei ng ar ound your or your f r i ends' nudi t y,
her desi r es shoul d be r espect ed. And we hope i t goes wi t hout sayi ng
t hat no chi l d shoul d ever be r equi r ed t o be nude i n f r ont of ot her s
many chi l dr en go t hr ough phases of ext r eme modest y as t hey st r uggl e t o
cope wi t h t hei r changi ng bodi es, and t hat , t oo, deser ves scr upul ous
r espect .
what shoul d t hey do?
I t i s def i ni t el y i nappr opr i at e t o al l ow your ki ds t o engage i n any f or m
of sexual behavi or wi t h any of your par t ner s, or vi ce ver sa. Many
chi l dr en go t hr ough one or mor e sexual l y expl or at i ve and/ or f l i r t at i ous
per i ods i n t hei r l i ves- t hi s i s nat ur al and common. But i t ' s ver y
i mpor t ant t hat you and your f r i ends mai nt ai n especi al l y good boundar i es
dur i ng such per i ods; l ear ni ng pol i t e and f r i endl y ways of acknowl edgi ng
a chi l d' s changi ng needs wi t hout engagi ng sexual l y i s a cr i t i cal ski l l
f or any et hi cal sl ut who spends t i me ar ound her own or her par t ner s'
ki ds. ( " I sn' t t hat cut e? You' r e get t i ng t o be such a bi g gi r l
now! " )
answer i ng t hei r quest i ons
Ki ds' quest i ons about sex and r el at i onshi ps can of t en be chal l engi ng
- f r omt he f i ve- year - ol d' s " But how does t he seed get t o t he egg?" t o
t he t eenager ' s " So how come you get t o f uck anyone you want but I have
t o be home by mi dni ght ?"
Her e' s wher e t he ski l l s you' ve l ear ned i n ot her par t s of t hi s book cam
come i n handy. You owe your ki ds honest , hear t f el t r esponses t o
quest i ons l i ke t hese; t hi s i s not t he t i me t o come on al l hi gh handed
and par ent al - Par t i cul ar l y wi t h ol der chi l dr en and t eenager s, i t ' s f i ne
t o l et t hemknow i f you' r e f eel i ng ambi val ent or embar r assed about
somet hi ng ( t hey' l l know anyway, bel i eve us) . I f a si t uat i on makes you
angr y or sad, shar e t hat , t oo. They may need some r eassur ance t hat
your emot i on i sn' t t hei r f aul t , and some r ei nf or cement t hat i t ' s not
t hei r j ob t o hel p you f eel bet t er .
I t ' s al so f i ne t o t est t hei r wi l l i ngness t o r ecei ve i nf or mat i on. Bef or e
you st ar t heapi ng dat a on t hei r heads, you can t r y pr ef aci ng your or al
comumni cat i on wi t h a quest i on l i ke, " Do you want t o know about
[ whoever ] t he t oPi c i s" Cat her i ne r emember s a conver sat i on wi t h her
Ol der son when he was about t en: she' d j ust done a " bi r ds and bees"
r ap. and had per haps got t en a l i t t l e car r i ed away. At t he end of her
l ong speech, she asked hi m, " So, as l ong as we' r e on t hi s t opi c, i s
t her e r eal l y t hi ng el se you want t o know?" He r epl i ed, f er vent l y,
" Mom, you' ve al r eady t ol d me much mor e t han I want ed t o know. "
Good boundar i es ar e i mpor t ant her e t oo. Whi l e your ki ds ar e cer t ai nl y
ent i t l ed t o expr ess an opi ni on about t he way you choose t o ^ your l i f e,
t hey dont get t o di ct at e i t . The f l i p si de of t hi s i s t hat you owe i t
t o t hemt o hel p pr event t hei r l i ves f r ombei ng undul y i mpact ed ky 3
l i f est yl e t hey never chose. Dossi e wi l l i ngl y agr eed t o mai nt ai n a
di scr eet cl oset about her l esbi an par t ner when her daught er ' s j uni or
hi gH school f r i ends came t o vi si t ; her daught er got t o " come out " t o
her f i ends about her momat her own pace. Wel l , nobody ever sai d
par ent hood- especi al l y sl ut t y par ent hood- was goi ng t o be easy.
PART I V HAVI NG FUN
CHAPTER 1. FI NDI NG PARTNERS
J ust t o pr ove t o you t hat i t can be done, we want t o st ar t t hi s chapt er
wi t h a t r ue st or y of how a l esbi an coupl e of our acquai nt ance began
t hei r r el at i onshi p. They have l i ved t oget her f or t wo year s now i n a
commi t t ed and pol yamor ous l i f e par t ner shi p, and got mar r i ed l ast August
i n a r edwood gr ove. They ar e st i l l ver y much i n l ove, and have ever y
i nt ent i on of gr owi ng ol d t oget her .
J une had never been t o a pl ay par t y bef or e. That ' s evi dent l y what t hey
cal l or gi es i n Cal i f or ni a, she mused. Wel l , at l east i t ' s a l esbi an
or gy. How on ear t h, she wonder ed, di d I come t o be t he guest of honor
at an or gy?
Act ual l y, she knew how i t came about . She was vi si t i ng her dear f r i end
Fl ash i n San Fr anci sco, and Hash announced t hat she had t he use of a
house i n t he count r y f or t he weekend, and she want ed t o t hr ow a par t y
and i nt r oduce J une t o her f r i ends. Sounds l i ke f un, t hought J une. . . .
and t hen Fl ash began t o t al k about havi ng a " Chi ck Ri t e" t o cel ebr at e
t he advent of spr i ng by set t i ng up mat t r esses and saf er - sex suppl i es i n
t he mi ddl e of t he l i vi ng r oom.
J une had ar gued, and at f i r st had r ef used t o come. But Fl ash t al ked
her i nt o i t , poi nt i ng out t hat she di dn' t have t o act ual l y have sex
wi t h anybody i f she di dn' t want t o. J une f i nal l y sai d okay, addi ng
t hat i f she coul dn' t st and i t she woul d hi ke down t o t he l ocal
cof f eehouse wi t h a book. So Fl ash went on set t i ng up t he house f or t he
conveni ence of sexual pl easur es, and J une hi d i n t he ki t chen maki ng
di ps, one par t y f unct i on t hat she at l east under st ood.
As t he guest s began t o ar r i ve, J une began t o quest i on whet her or not
she' d be abl e t o st ay at t hi s event . She was i nt r oduced t o a par ade of
t he most out r ageous dykes she had ever seen, f emmes and hut ches l i ke
bi r ds i n br i ght pl umage, spor t i ng exot i c gar ment s desi gned t o di spl ay a
gal l er y of t at t oos, gl eami ng her e and t her e wi t h j ewel r y set i n body
par t s t hat J une di d not want t o t hi nk about . And t hey wer e al l so
young! J une f el t t he whol e wei ght of her f or t y- ei ght year s. She
f i gur ed you can' t go wr ong bei ng pol i t e, so she sai d t he same
how- do- you dos she woul d anywher e el se, wonder i ng how she' d r espond i f
one of t hese ent husi ast i c or gi ast s act ual l y t ol d her how she di d do.
I n, at l ast , came a coupl e of women of unabashed mi ddl e age. One of
t hem, Car ol , was a dead r i nger f or J une' s Gr eat - Aunt Mar y- onl y
Gr eat - Aunt Mar y woul d never have been seen i n hi gh but ch gear compl et e
wi t h boot s and cowboy hat . J une f el t r el i eved t o have f ound one woman
she coul d r el at e t o. Then Car ol smi l ed her most wi nni ng smi l e and
announced t hat she woul d l i ke t o put her hand i n J une' s cunt .
J une, swal l owi ng a gasp but ever pol i t e, r esponded t hat she di dn' t
r eal l y f eel qui t e r eady f or t hat , and Car ol , ever easygoi ng, r epl i ed
" Okay, I ' l l check i n wi t h you l at er . " Gr eat Goddess, t hought J une,
t her e' s no escape. J une knew about f i st i ng, had l ear ned t o do i t wi t h
a l over who l i ked i t , she knew i t was saf e when done pr oper l y, but i t
seemed mor e t han a l i t t l e t oo i nt i mat e t o t r y wi t h someone whose name
she' d onl y l ear ned i n t he l ast hal f hour .
Then Lot t i e came i ncl ose t o J une' s age, but not dr essed l i ke i t . Lot t i e
spor t ed a head of obvi ousl y dyed nami ng r ed cur l s and a bl ack chi f f on
dr ess t hr ough whi ch coul d be cl ear l y seen l ong bl ack st ocki ngs, a bl ack
l eat her cor set , and a vol upt uosi t y of j ust pl ai n f l esh. How does she
bal ance on t hose heel s, wonder ed J une, as Lot t i e hugged, ki ssed and
chat t ed her way t hr ough t he pr ogr essi vel y l ess cl ot hed mass of
par t ygoer s. J une over hear d Lot t i e t hanki ng var i ous women f or t hei r
par t i ci pat i on i n a pr evi ous or gy hel d i n cel ebr at i on of Lot t i e' s
f i f t i et h bi r t hday. Do t hese peopl e ever get t oget her and not have sex?
wonder ed J une.
Puppy pi l es began t o f or mon t he f l oor i n f r ont of t he couch wher e J une
was si f t i ng- unt i dy heaps of women necki ng and pet t i ng, smi l i ng and
l aughi ng- Lot t i e and Car ol conspi cuousl y among t hem. J une deci ded i t
woul d be saf er out on t he deck, wher e she mi ght be abl e t o soak out her
t er r or s i n t he hot t ub.
The hot t ub was qui et er , and J une managed t o chat wi t h a f ew women, and
began f eel i ng mar gi nal l y mor e comf or t abl e. Then Lot t i e r eappear ed. Of f
came t he dr ess, t he st ocki ngs, t he shoes- J une f ound her sel f wonder i ng
what i t woul d be l i ke i f she coul d see Lot t i e' s cunt , and i nst ant l y
wonder ed i f anyone el se had not i ced her l ooki ng. Lot t i e sl i pped i nt o
t he war mwat er , and al most i mmedi at el y asked J une i f she woul d r ub her
neck because i t f el t st i f f . " Sur e, " she hear d her sel f say, Td be happy
t o. " Oh, no, she t hought , what have I l et mysel f i n f or ?
Lot t i e' s ski n f el t war mand si l ky under her f i nger s, and J une r ubbed
and soot hed. J une f el t r el axed by t he r hyt hmof massage, and r eassur ed
as Lot t i e conver sed about per f ect l y nor mal t hi ngs: her wor k and J une' s,
t hei r phi l osophi es of l i f e: J une' s Buddhi st , Lot t i e' s pagan.
Event ual l y, Lot t i e' s neck r el axed, and t he hot t ub began t o f eel t oo
war m, and Lot t i e br i ght l y suggest ed t hey f i nd out what was goi ng on
i nsi de. She cl i mbed out of t he t ub, pul l ed on her st ocki ngs and
buckl ed her heel s, and dar t ed i nsi de. Hol y Mi ner va, t hought J une, can
I f ol l owher i n t her e? No, she deci ded f i r ml y, I can' t . J une f ound a
t abl e i n a cor ner on t he pat i o, and det er mi nedl y admi r ed t he st ar s.
Lot t i e, meanwhi l e, was f i ndi ng she had a t hi ng or t wo t o t hi nk about as
wel l . I n t he l i vi ng r oom, her f r i ends wer e happi l y di spor t i ng
t hemsel ves on couches, i n ar mchai r s and i n f r ont of t he f i r e, but
Lot t i e was t hi nki ng about J une. What i s i t about her t hat t ur ns me on
so much? Does she l i ke me? Wi l l she pl ay wi t h me? Doesn' t l ook l i ke
she' s used t o pl ayi ng at par t i es- ah, wel l , t her e' s al ways a f i r st
t i me. Now wher e di d t hat gi r l go?
Lot t i e scanned t he l i vi ng r oom, but t her e was no J une t o be f ound. The
l i vi ng r oomwas act ual l y pr et t y i nt er est i ng, and Lot t i e cont empl at ed
gi vi ng up t he chase and f i ndi ng a f r i end t o pl ay wi t h, but i nt r i gue
t r i umphed. She made her way t owar d t he ki t chen, st eppi ng over var i ous
happy peopl e and l i nger i ng her e and t her e t o appr eci at e some
par t i cul ar l y exci t i ng act i vi t y. Pausi ng t o check out t he di ps and
r epl eni sh her bl ood sugar , Lot t i e l ooked out t he wi ndow and t her e was
J une, hi di ng out on t he pat i o.
Ah, her e' s t he oppor t uni t y, t hought Lot t i e as she ar r anged a f ew
goodi es on a pl at e and t r ot t ed out si de t o shar e t hemwi t h J une. But ,
al t hough t hey wer e chat t i ng t oget her qui t e ami abl y, Lot t i e f el t she
wasn' t r eachi ng J une. Her most f l i r t at i ous sal l i es wer e met wi t h no
r esponse what soever : J une, pet r i f i ed, woul d onl y br eat he deep and
consci ousl y hol d as st i l l as she coul d. Lot t i e, f r ust r at ed, deci ded on
t he di r ect appr oach. " I t hi nk you' r e r eal l y at t r act i ve. Woul d you
l i ke t o pl ay wi t h me? What sor t of t hi ng do you l i ke t o do?" J une,
cor ner ed agai n, st ammer ed out , " I dont t hi nk I ' mr eady t o have sex i n
publ i c, so sor r y. "
Ri ght t hen, Car ol saunt er ed up t o t he t abl e and sat down. Whi l e J une
wonder ed how she coul d di sappear i nt o t he bushes wi t hout appear i ng
gauche, Lot t i e gr eet ed Car ol by sl i di ng her t hi gh- whi ch Car ol , bei ng a
woman who knew how t o act , pr ompt l y st r oked and admi r ed - over ont o
Car ol ' s l ap. Lot t i e, not out of r evenge but si mpl e desi r e not t o wast e
a per f ect l y good par t y, asked Car ol : " How' s your dance car d t oni ght ?
Got r oomf or me?"
Car ol asked what was her f ancy, and Lot t i e put out t hat she had a yen
f or a sensi t i ve f i st , and Car ol sai d she woul d be happy t o obl i ge, j ust
needed t o check wi t h Susi e about a pl an t hey had f or l at er . Bot h
happi l y t r ot t ed of f , exchangi ng a qui ck body r ub as t hey squeezed
t hr ough t he door , and J une was l ef t t o her sel f . Was she r el i eved?
Wel l . . . not exact l y.
Ret ur ni ng t o t he l i vi ng r oom, Lot t i e was sur pr i sed t o see Car ol and
J une bot h si t t i ng on t he wi ndow seat backs t o t he si des, f eet i n t he
mi ddl e. Lot t i e had never been sl ow t o l eap on oppor t uni t y, so she
sashayed acr oss t he r oom, cl i mbed up on bot h pai r s of f eet ( neat l y
t r appi ng J une) , and pr ocl ai med: " Her e I am! " Car ol bei ng a good f r i end
of Lot t i e' s and wel l - ver sed i n t he ways of f emmes cal l ed f or gl oves and
l ube and f i r ml y pushed Lot t i e i nt o J une' s l ap. " Wi l l you hol d her f or
me pl ease?" J une opened her mout h, but nobody wai t ed f or her answer ,
and next t hi ng, t her e she was, hol di ng Ms. Lot t i e' s squi r mi ng body.
Amazi ng, t hought J une, j ust amazi ng. She got a good gr i p on Lot t i e,
t ook a deep br eat h, and of f she went on t he r i de. J une concent r at ed on
keepi ng up a good f r ont and t r yi ng not t o not i ce sever al smi l i ng women
who had set t l ed down t o wat ch t he act i on on t he wi ndow seat whi l e Car ol
compet ent l y went t o wor k t o t ur n Lot t i e on, l ube her up and get her
of f . Omi god, t hought J une, how amI goi ng t o get t hr ough t hi s. I ' m
t ouchi ng t hi s woman' s br east and I har dl y know her . Maybe, she
t hought , I can pr et end t hi s i s somebody I ' ve al r eady made l ove wi t h.
Lot t i e had br aced her f oot over Car ol ' s shoul der agai nst t he wi ndow
f r ame, and was ener get i cal l y pushi ng her sel f down on Car ol ' s hand. She
l et out a bi g gr oan as t he hand sl i pped i n, and t hey bot h st ar t i ng
f ucki ng har d and l oud. J une had al l she coul d do t o pr event Lot t i e
f r omf al l i ng ont o t he f l oor . Lot t i e f i nal l y came- l oudl y, not i ced
J une, ver y l oudl y- and J une r eal i zed she hadn' t br eat hed f or a whi l e,
and t ook a bi g gaspi ng br eat h. Al l t hr ee l et t hei r bodi es go l i mp on
t he wi ndow seat and i nvest ed a f ew moment s i n j ust f eel i ng good.
Real i t y event ual l y asser t ed i t sel f . Lot t i e sat up, and pol i t el y
of f er ed t o f uck Car ol i n r et ur n. Car ol sai d t hanks but no, I pr omi sed
Susi e, and bot h of t hemwent of f i n di f f er ent di r ect i ons. J une f el t
l i ke she had f al l en i nt o some ot her uni ver se- who ar e t hese women,
anyway? Al t hough i t was ki nd of f un, and I t hi nk I di d i t okay - but
i t ' s st i l l t oo much. I t hi nk I ' d bet t er go t o sl eep.
A day passed. Back at home, Lot t i e f ound she coul d not st op t hi nki ng
about J une. I know me, she t ol d her sel f , and I know when I f eel t hi s
way I ' mj ust gonna go f or i t , so t her e' s no poi nt i n agoni zi ng. She
cal l ed Fl ash and di scover ed t hat J une had f l own out of San Fr anci sco
t hat mor ni ng. Lot t i e, ever r esour cef ul , got her addr ess and sent her
t hi s l et t er .
Thur sday, J une 2 Dear J une I t a beaut i f ul mor ni ng up her e on my
mount ai n, t he sun i s st r eami ng t hr ough t he r edwood t r ees, t he sky i s
ver y bl ue wi t h l i t t l e cl oud puf f s- yest er day wal ki ng up on t he r i dge I
saw a huge j ackr abbi t . The i r i ses ar e f i ni shed and i t ' s t i me f or
mor ni ng gl or i es, r hododendr ons, and l ot s of t i ny br i ght exqui si t e
f l ower s t o whomI have not been pr oper l y i nt r oduced. Do you l i ve i n
t he ci t y? I f I make your mout h wat er f or t he mount ai ns, wi l l you come
vi si t me?
Who ar e you anyway? Wr i t e me and t el l me about your sel f . I am
par t i cul ar l y i nt er est ed i n how, as a Buddhi st , you deal wi t h desi r e and
passi on. I ' ve been t hi nki ng some about t hi s si nce we met , and r eal i zed
t hat I amnot a Buddhi st because, al t hough I have got t en a gr eat deal
f r ommy connect i ons t o Zen, i ncl udi ng l ear ni ng a l ot about l et t i ng go
of desi r e, my spi r i t ual pat h i s about gr aspi ng desi r e ( passi on mi ght be
a mor e appr opr i at e wor d her e) as i f i t wer e t he ox, and r i di ng i t as a
vehi cl e t o communi on wi t h t he Dao. I wor r y t hat t hi s mi ght not be an
accept abl e pr act i ce t o you: al t hough I amused t o bei ng var i ous
peopl e' s ver si on of anat hema, I woul d r at her t hat not be t he case wi t h
you.
I r eal l y l i ke you. I r eal l y l i ke t he connect i on we made at Fl ash' s,
and I hope we get t he chance t o expl or e i t f ur t her . So wr i t e and
r eveal your sel f t o me. What ar e your t hought s about sex, connect i on,
ar t , nat ur e? What ar e your f ant asi es? I r eal l y want t o know. I bet
you dr eamup some gr eat bedt i me st or i es.
I wi sh you wer e her e wr i t i ng t o you i s maki ng me ner vous and I woul d
l i ke a cuddl e. As I r ead over t hi s l et t er t r yi ng t o deci de how f ar t o
go I r eal i ze I have pr obabl y al r eady gone t oo f ar oh wel l , I al ways
do.
Love, Lot t i e
Ei ght mont hs and appr oxi mat el y t hr ee t housand dol l ar s' wor t h of phone
bi l l s l at er , not t o ment i on a f ew i mpul si ve ai r f ar es, J une put al l
ot her wor l dl y goods i n her t r uck, Lot t i e f l ew out t o meet her , and t hey
dr ove acr oss t he Gr eat Di vi de t o a sweet l i t t l e house i n t he count r y,
wher e t hey l i ved happi l y ever af t er .
Thi s i s not a t ypi cal st or y of how sl ut s f i nd par t ner s. Any sexual
mi nor i t y member f aces speci al chal l enges i n par t ner - f i ndi ng and, as a
sl ut or sl ut wannabe, you ar e most assur edl y a member of a sexual
mi nor i t y. I f you' r e al so gay, l esbi an, t r ansgender , or i nt er est ed i n a
speci al i zed ar ea of sexual i t y such as cr ossdr essi ng or S/ M, you ar e
doubl y or t r i pl y chal l enged.
Many of us have sad, f r ust r at i ng st or i es t o t el l about near - mi sses:
par t ner s who ar e f i ne wi t h an open r el at i onshi p unt i l t hey st ar t t o
f al l i n l ove, at whi ch poi nt t hey f r eak out and demand monogamy. . .
par t ner s who r hapsodi ze about sexual openness and f r ee l ove i n
pr i nci pl e, but can' t handl e t hemi n r eal i t y ( Cat her i ne says t hese
r emi nd her of t he dog who chases car s al l hi s l i f e, t hen act ual l y
cat ches one and can' t f i gur e out what t o do wi t h i t ) . . . even par t ner s
who ar e successf ul l y pol yamor ous but whose needs, desi r es and l i mi t s
si mpl y dont f i t t oget her wel l enough - af t er al l , sex i s not t he onl y
way we r el at e.
Yet many peopl e do succeed i n f i ndi ng each ot her , f or r el at i onshi ps
r angi ng f r omcasual t o l i f et i me. So, how do you f i nd f r i ends, l over s
and pot ent i al par t ner s who not onl y shar e your val ues and bel i ef s- but
ar e al so emot i onal l y, i nt el l ect ual l y and sexual l y compat i bl e wi t h
you?
who?
A good pl ace t o st ar t i s by get t i ng an i dea of who you' r e l ooki ng f or .
The t r i ck i n maki ng t hi s deci si on i s t o be nei t her t oo speci f i c nor t oo
vague. I f your " who" l i st basi cal l y i ncl udes anybody who i s br eat hi ng
and who i s wi l l i ng t o have sex wi t h you, we suggest t hat you ar e
per haps br oadeni ng your f i el d a bi t t oo much. Even i f you dont have
st r ong pr ef er ences about gender , age, appear ance, backgr ound or
i nt el l i gence, you pr obabl y do want someone who wi l l not l i e t o you,
st eal f r omyou, hur t you or expl oi t you: basi c sani t y, honest y and
r espect f ul ness ar e on most of our l i st s. I t i s al so per f ect l y f i ne t o
acknowl edge t hose pr ef er ences t hat ar e genui nel y i mpor t ant t o you: i f
you pr ef er men t o women, or peopl e your own age t o peopl e much ol der or
younger , nobody i s goi ng t o r epor t you t o t he Equal Oppor t uni t y
Commi ssi on.
On t he ot her hand, i f your " who" l i st r eads l i ke a set of t echni cal
speci f i cat i ons- gender , age, wei ght , hei ght , col or i ng, mode of dr ess,
educat i onal backgr ound, peni s si ze, sexual ki nks- we suspect t hat you
may be mor e i nt er est ed i n maki ng l ove t o your own f ant asy t han you ar e
t o a r eal , l i ve per son. Many of us, unf or t unat el y, ar e condi t i oned t o
r eact sexual l y t o a r at her unr eal i st i c st andar d of appear ance and
behavi or : por n queens and ki ngs ar e f un t o wat ch i n t he movi es, but
t hey r ar el y appear i n our l i vi ng r ooms. I f you expect your new honey
t o be gor geous, l ovi ng and hi ghl y sexual al l t he t i me, you ar e al most
cer t ai nl y set t i ng your sel f up f or a l i f et i me of di sappoi nt ment f ew
peopl e can achi eve t hose st andar ds, and nobody can mai nt ai n t hemt went y
f our hour s a day.
We can' t t el l you t he exact cut of f poi nt at whi ch a heal t hy pr ef er ence
becomes an unr eal i st i c desi r e; onl y you can l ook i nsi de your sel f t o do
t hat . We do t hi nk t hat physi cal appear ance, weal t h, and soci al st at us
have ver y l i t t l e t o do wi t h t he per son behi nd t hem, and i f any of t hose
cr i t er i a appear hi gh up on your " who" l i st , you may be a l i t t l e bi t
st uck i n your f ant asy. Tr y get t i ng t o know some peopl e who dont meet
t hose cr i t er i a. We have a hunch t hat i f you get t o know t hemand l i ke
t hem, you wi l l di scover t hat t hey have t hei r own uni que beaut i es, j ust
wai t i ng t her e f or someone t o not i ce t hem.
An i mpor t ant not e: even peopl e who ar e gor geous or r i ch or bust y or
what ever dont usual l y l i ke t o f eel t hat t hei r beaut y, wal l et or br east s
ar e t hei r most at t r act i ve qual i t y. Those who par t ner successf ul l y wi t h
t hemof t en consi der such qual i t i es a happy bonus t hat have l i t t l e or
not hi ng t o do wi t h why t hey chose t hat per son i n t he f i r st pl ace.
what ?
What ki nd of r el at i onshi p do you want ? Do you want someone wi t h whom
you can buy a house and r ai se a f ami l y? Someone you can meet once a
year f or a hot and heavy weekend of r ol e- pl ayi ng f un? Or " Ms. Ri ght
Now" ? Knowi ng what you want up f r ont can pr event a l ot of
mi sunder st andi ngs and hur t f eel i ngs l at er .
Et hi cal sl ut s do not t el l pot ent i al sweet i es t hat t hey' r e l ooki ng f or a
l i f e par t ner when, i n f act , t hey' r e l ooki ng t o get l ai d t oni ght .
Si mi l ar l y, i t ' s di shonest t o swear t hat al l you want i s t o have a
l i t t l e f un when, i n f act , you' r e ment al l y measur i ng hi mf or a t uxedo.
I f you' r e wor r i ed t hat nobody coul d possi bl y want what you have t o
of f er , dont be so sur e. Whi l e i t may be har der t o f i nd someone who
want s t o be a secondar y par t ner , or a r ol e- pl ay buddy, or t he mot her of
your chi l dr en, i t i s cer t ai nl y possi bl e- i n f act , t her e ar e undoubt edl y
at l east a f ew peopl e out t her e who ar e l ooki ng f or j ust such a
si t uat i on.
Tr i ck ver sus par t ner i s not an ei t her / or si t uat i on: t her e ar e many,
many ways t o r el at e t hat l i e bet ween a one- ni ght st and and mar r i age.
You may not know i n advance what ki nd of r el at i onshi p wi l l devel op wi t h
t he per son who i nt r i gues you t oni ght , and t hat per son may not f i t
what ever hol e i n your l i f e you wer e l ooki ng t o f i l l . Taki ng peopl e as
t hey come, how t hey ar e, her e and t oday, can l ead you t o wonder f ul
sur pr i ses t hat mor e t han make up f or t he occasi onal di sappoi nt ment . So
wat ch out f or your pr econcept i ons, and be r eady t o appr oach new peopl e
wi t h an open mi nd and an open hear t .
Of cour se, si t uat i ons do change. Someone you t hought was j ust an
occasi onal pl aymat e may evol ve i nt o a much mor e i mpor t ant f i gur e i n
your per sonal l andscape. When t hi s happens- and i t has happened t o
bot h of us- i t i s i mpor t ant t o keep t hat per son, and anyone el se
i nvol ved, t hor oughl y br i ef ed on t he emot i onal shi f t s you' r e
exper i enci ng. I t may be t hat he i s f eel i ng t he same way t owar d you,
and, Loui e, t hi s coul d be t he begi nni ng of a beaut i f ul f r i endshi p. On
t he ot her hand, he may not . Or he may j ust not be i n a pl ace i n hi s
l i f e wher e a deep emot i onal commi t ment i s r i ght f or hi m. I n any case,
t r eat t hi s changed r el at i onshi p as t hough i t wer e a br and- new one- i n a
way, i t i s. I t may be t hat t he t wo of you can go on pl ayi ng i n your
or i gi nal , casual manner , or you may have t o par t f or a whi l e t o
mai nt ai n your equi l i br i um.
wher e?
Wher e do sl ut s gat her ? What ar e your best - bet venues f or f i ndi ng t he
bed mat e, pl aymat e or l i f e mat e of your dr eams?
Our exper i ence has been t hat peopl e who ar e open enough t o t al k about
sexual i t y may be mor e i nt er est ed i n ot her f or ms of openness, or at
l east abl e t o hear your desi r es wi t h r espect . So gr oups, cl ubs or
newspaper s or gani zed ar ound sexual i t y- sexual mi nor i t i es, gr oup sex,
sex educat i on mi ght be good pl aces t o l ook f or ki ndr ed spi r i t s.
Addi t i onal l y, we' ve f ound t hat et hi cal sl ut s of t en enj oy expl or i ng
al t er nat i ve r eal i t i es ( per haps as novel t y- seeki ng behavi or ?}. Tr y your
l ocal Soci et y f or Cr eat i ve Anachr oni sm, hi st or i cal r e- enact ment gr oup
( t he Renai ssance Fai r e her e i n Nor t her n Cal i f or ni a i s pr act i cal l y a
sl ut s' t r ade conf er ence) , sci ence f i ct i on conf er ence or r ol e- pl ayi ng
game gr oup.
Anot her good pl ace t o l ook mi ght be i n wor kshops, semi nar s and
gat her i ngs t hat have t o do wi t h human sexual i t y or i nt i macy. Whi l e
cr ui si ng i s, under st andabl y, not al l owed at some of t hese act i vi t i es
( peopl e bar i ng t hei r soul s ar e doi ng di f f i cul t wor k t hat can be
di st ur bed by havi ng t o be on guar d agai nst unwant ed advances) ,
" gr aduat es" of t en go on meet i ng soci al l y l ong af t er t he act ual sessi on
i s over . Ther e ar e al so sever al r egi onal and nat i onal conf er ences
about sexual i t y and i nt i macy, and t hese ar e at t ended by many ki ndr ed
sl ut t y spi r i t s.
I n many of t he I nt er net ' s sexual i t y and sexual or i ent at i on gr oups,
pol yamor i st s ar e t he maj or i t y. I n addi t i on t o al t . pol yamor y a f or um
devot ed excl usi vel y t o di scussi on of t he t opi c, you can f i nd f r i ends i n
ot her Usenet news gr oups pr i vat e mai l i ng l i st s, and speci al i zed gr oups
sponsor ed by I nt er net ser vi ce pr ovi der s. Local adul t - or i ent ed comput er
bul l et i n boar ds i n many communi t i es ar e al so f r equent ed by a f ai r
number of sl ut s. Some of t hese gr oups al l ow per sonal adver t i si ng, and
some sponsor f ace- t o- f ace get - t og et her s Do be a bi t car ef ul , t hough:
as t he New Yor ker car t oon, showi ng a mut t happi l y t ypi ng on a keyboar d,
has i t , " On t he I nt er net nobody knows you' r e a dog. " Many peopl e enj oy
usi ng t he anonymi t y of t he comput er scr een t o exper i ment wi t h al t er nat e
per sonae, so t he 20- year - ol d masseuse you' ve been cor r espondi ng wi t h
may i n f act be a 50- year - ol d t r uck dr i ver , and t he del i ght f ul l y
i magi nat i ve sl ut may i n r eal l i f e be a pr ude seeki ng t i t i l l at i on.
St i l l , Cat her i ne ( an I nt er net addi ct ) has f ound many f r i ends and l over s
on t he comput er , as have count l ess ot her s of our f r i ends.
You can al so cr ui se t he ads i n your l ocal newspaper . Moder n per sonal
ads usual l y oper at e by voi ce mai l you cal l a number , hear a r ecor ded
message and get an oppor t uni t y t o r ecor d a message of your own, and
your phone bi l l wi l l r ef l ect a per - mi nut e char ge f or t he ser vi ce. You
can answer ads, or put i n an ad of your own, or bot h. Some peopl e r un
sever al ads at t he same t i me.
I t i s cust omar y t o get t o know peopl e you meet t hr ough t he I nt er net or
ads i n st ages, st ar t i ng wi t h a phone conver sat i on, and t hen per haps a
dat e f or cof f ee or di nner , so t hat you act ual l y get t o know t he per son
bef or e you ar e expect ed t o deci de whet her or not you want t o shar e sex
wi t h t hem.
Cr ui si ng t he ads and t he I nt er net ar e bot h successf ul st r at egi es f or
meet i ng peopl e. We know of many f i ne t i mes, and many l ong- t er m
r el at i onshi ps, t hat st ar t ed wi t h a f ew wor ds i n a paper or on a
scr een.
How?
What do you do once you' r e f ace- t o- f ace wi t h a pot ent i al pl aymat e?
Ci vi l i zed cr ui si ng i s a f i ne ar t , and one t hat f ew peopl e devel op
over ni ght . Sex r ol es make i t even har der . Men i n t hi s cul t ur e ar e
t aught t o push, t o i nsi st , never t o t ake " no" f or an answer ; women ar e
t aught t o be coy, t o r ef use, never t o of f er an out r i ght " yes. " And t he
mor e pol ar i zed we get i n t hi s si l l y equat i on, t he f ur t her we push one
anot her away- wi t h r esul t s t hat r ange f r omhur t f eel i ngs t o dat e
r ape.
The good news, t hough, i s t hat bot h set s of behavi or can be unl ear ned,
and t hat t he mor e we unl ear n t hem, t he l ess t her e i s t o unl ear n. When
bot h gender s f eel f r ee t o answer " yes" or " no" wi t h no concer n f or
anyt hi ng but t hei r own desi r es, a t r uer under st andi ng, and a mor e
posi t i ve sexual i t y, can be achi eved.
Dossi e t el l s t he st or y of a woman f r i end of her s back i n t he ' 70s who,
as an exper i ment , sat pat i ent l y i n a si ngl es' bar one ni ght , bei ng
appr oached by many men, unt i l f i nal l y one t o whomshe f el t at t r act ed
came al ong and began t o f l i r t . She asked hi mni cel y i f he woul d l i ke
t o come back t o her pl ace and f uck. He swal l owed hi s i ce. I t t ook t he
poor f el l ow a coupl e of mi nut es bef or e he coul d t al k coher ent l y agai n,
and when t hey act ual l y got t o her pl ace he f ound hi msel f i mpot ent .
That ' s how deepl y i ngr ai ned some of t hese cul t ur al st er eot ypes can
be.
" No. "
Sexual sophi st i cat es t end t o gi ve each ot her a l ot of cr edi t f or
knowi ng what t hey want . Wi t h t hi s assumpt i on, i t becomes easi er f or
your pot ent i al par t ner t o make out r ageous pr oposal s, because he t r ust s
you t o say " no" i f you dont want t o. I t i s nobody' s t ask but your own
t o f i gur e out what you want , and nobody can or wi l l second- guess you.
So you ar e goi ng t o have t o l ear n t o say " no, " and t o say " no" easi l y
enough t hat i t won' t r ui n your eveni ng i f you get a coupl e of unwel come
comeons Men as wel l as women have t r oubl e wi t h t hi s- men ar e t aught
t hat t hey ar e al ways supposed t o be up and r eady f or sex, so i f someone
comes on t o a man when he i s not r eady, or not i nt er est ed, i t can f eel
unf ami l i ar or unmanl y t o say " no. "
When you say " no, " do so cl ear l y and ki ndl y. Pl ease do not f al l i nt o
t he t r ap of put t i ng down peopl e who f i nd you at t r act i ve- t hey must be
t ot al i di ot s t o have come ont o you, r i ght ? Bei ng pol i t el y asked i s a
compl i ment , not an i nsul t . When we ar e embar r assed because we need t o
say no t o a pol i t e i nqui r y, l et ' s j ust own our own embar r assment . I t ' s
not t he ot her per son' s f aul t i f she t hi nks you' r e ni f t y.
Women have been t aught t hat i t i s unf emi ni ne t o say " no" di r ect l y. We
ar e supposed t o hi nt , and t hi s doesn' t wor k. Pr act i ce sayi ng " no. "
Say i t t o your mi r r or f i f t een t i mes: " No, t hank you f or t he of f er , but
no. " You ar e not r equi r ed t o pr oduce an excuse or a r eason. I t woul d
be r i di cul ous t o cl ai ma headache at an or gy. The si mpl e t r ut h i s " No,
t hank you ver y much, I dont want t o. "
Women al so need t o pr act i ce sayi ng " yes. " Our cul t ur al myt h i s t hat
t he man i n a het er osexual t r ansact i on pl eads wi t h or cons or bul l i es
t he woman i nt o sayi ng " yes, " or at l east r ef r ai ni ng f r omsayi ng " no, "
and t hen does what ever he t hi nks i s appr opr i at e. Women need t o
equal i ze her e, t o do mor e of t he choosi ng, t o know what i t i s t hat we
enj oy and t o be abl e t o say what we want i n no uncer t ai n t er ms t o
whomever we f i nd at t r act i ve. And i f you ar e a man whose sexual game
pl an i s mor e about what you t hi nk you ar e supposed t o do t o be a good
l over t han about what you act ual l y want , t han you need t o l ear n t o say
" yes" t oo. You can expect t hat t hi s wi l l be mor e di f f i cul t t han i t
l ooks.
Cr ui si ng
Cr ui si ng st r at egi es depend a l ot on your own gender , and t he gender s)
of t he peopl e you' r e seeki ng.
f or men
Gay men have t hei r own st yl e of cr ui si ng, mar ked by a st r ai ght f or war d
appr oach based on t he under st andi ng t hat most gay men ar e abl e t o say
" no t hank you" wi t hout much di scomf or t . Thus, gay men of t en ar e abl e
t o cr ui se each ot her wi t h gr eat er r el i ance on body l anguage and
non- ver bal cues t han t hei r het br ot her s.
Successf ul het er osexual mal e cr ui ser s, on t he ot her hand, have evol ved
st r at egi es f or conveyi ng i nt er est wi t hout comi ng on t oo st r ong,
r emai ni ng sensi t i ve t o ver bal and nonver bal cues. Many a man has made
t he mi st ake of appr oachi ng a woman i n t he way he t hi nks he woul d l i ke
t o be appr oached i f he wer e a woman. He may or may not have ever
r eal l y been appr oached t hat way, and he may not appr eci at e such an
appr oach hi msel f . I f you' r e not sur e i f women f i nd your appr oach t oo
heavy- handed, i magi ne bei ng appr oached by a l ar ge st r ong gay man usi ng
your exact t echni que, and ask your sel f how t hat f eel s.
Few women l i ke t o be pushed, over whel med or not l i st ened t o i n t he
ar enas of sex and i nt i macy. Most women ar e par t i cul ar l y of f ended by
men who push t oo har d f or pr i vat e get - t og et her s or phone number s, who
i nsi st ent l y move t he conver sat i on back t o sexual t opi cs when t he woman
has t r i ed sever al t i mes t o change t he subj ect , or who t ouch t hem,
par t i cul ar l y i n a sexual , pat er nal i st i c or cover t way, wi t hout
per mi ssi on. Sneaky come- ons ar e a pai n; i t wor ks bet t er t o si mpl y ask,
and i f you hear a " no, " dont ar gue.
Dossi e r emember s goi ng danci ng wi t h a gr oup of her gay mal e f r i ends. I n
t he ( most l y gay) di sco, a het er osexual man came on t o her i n a ver y
pushy and obnoxi ous manner . Dossi e' s f r i ends wer e hor r i f i ed - t hey' d
never seen a man behave l i ke t hat , not even i n t he bat hs.
f or women
Most women ar e not ver y good at sayi ng " yes, " and not ver y good at
sayi ng " no we' r e not , and we' ve been pr act i ci ng f or a l ong t i me. We' r e
not sur e how t hi ngs got t o t hi s st at e, wher e a woman i s j ust supposed
t o st and t her e l ooki ng ador abl e unt i l some bi g st r ong hunk comes and
makes her deci si on f or her , but we dont l i ke i t much.
Ask your sel f : when was t he l ast t i me you sai d " no" t o sex? And how di d
you do i t ? Was i t wi t h a pol i t e, f r i endl y but unmi st akabl e " no
t hanks" ? Or was i t wi t h a sor t of " not t oni ght , I ' ve got a headache"
or " maybe anot her t i me" or " I ' l l t hi nk about i t " waf f l e? We st r ongl y
suggest you wor k out a " no t hanks" t hat f eel s comf or t abl e t o you
Cat her i ne l i kes " No t hanks; you seemni ce, but I dont f eel a st r ong
chemi st r y wi t h you. " Expect i ng hi mt o r ead your mi nd and somehow know
t hat your " maybe. . . " means " no" i s nei t her et hi cal nor sl ut t y.
And agai n: when was t he l ast t i me you sai d " yes" t o sex? Si mpl y
cl osi ng your f emi ni ne l i t t l e eyes and l et t i ng hi mwor k hi s wi l l on you
i s, shal l we say, subj ect t o mi si nt er pr et at i on.
Many women, bot h gay and st r ai ght , can benef i t gr eat l y f r oml ear ni ng t o
be a bi t mor e asser t i ve i n aski ng f or what t hey want , bot h dur i ng t he
meet i ng pr ocess and af t er war ds. I f you' r e used t o si ppi ng your dr i nk
and wai t i ng f or someone t o make a move on you, i ni t i at i ng cont act
your sel f may seemt er r i bl y awkwar d, pushy- yes, even sl ut t y - at f i r st .
I t ' s al so scar y as hel l t o r i sk r ej ect i on l i ke t hat . I t does get
easi er . . . par t i cul ar l y i f you do get r ej ect ed a t i me or t wo and get a
chance t o f i nd out t hat i t i sn' t t he end of t he wor l d. And, af t er al l ,
we' r e not aski ng you t o do anyt hi ng t hat men haven' t been doi ng f or
decades.
So her e' s t he chal l enge f or women: devel op at l east t wo scr i pt s f or
i nt r oduci ng your sel f t o t he man or woman t hat you f i nd at t r act i ve.
" Hi , I ' mSusan; who ar e you?" i s j ust f i ne f or st ar t er s. You need a
second scr i pt t o say " I f i nd you at t r act i ve, and woul d you l i ke t o: go
on a dat e, come home wi t h me, meet my pol yamor ous par t ner . . . "
f or coupl es
I f you' r e i n a st eady r el at i onshi p, you and your par t ner s) may f i nd
your sel ves i n t he si t uat i on of cr ui si ng en masse. Coupl es cr ui si ng has
i t s advant ages- i f you st r i ke out , you st i l l have someone t o go home
wi t h. However , many cr ui ser s ar e not used t o t he i dea of openl y non
monogamous r el at i onshi ps, and may get a l i t t l e f r eaked out when you
come on t o t hemwi t h " Hi , I f i nd you ver y at t r act i ve, and so does my
wi f e. " You wi l l f i nd some, however , who act ual l y pr ef er t he saf et y and
bui l t - i n boundar i es of get t i ng i t on wi t h one or bot h member s of an
est abl i shed coupl e. And i sn' t t hat j ust what you wer e l ooki ng f or !
Some coupl es cr ui se t oget her f or someone t o pl ay wi t h i n a t hr ee way
whi l e ot her s cr ui se i ndi vi dual l y f or par t ner s who want t o pl ay wi t h one
or t he ot her of t hem. When you cr ui se on your own, you wi l l event ual l y
have t o t el l your cr ui see t hat you have a l i f e par t ner at home. We
can' t t el l you exact l y wher e or how t o sl i p t hi s i nt o t he conver sat i on,
but we do suggest sooner r at her t han l at er .
Whet her you cr ui se i ndi vi dual l y or t oget her , you need t o wor k out your
agr eement s wi t h each ot her bef or ehand. Who i s i nt er est ed i n doi ng what
t o whom? Wher e? When? I f one of you i s l ooki ng f or someone t o hi t
t he mat t r ess wi t h r i ght t her e t hat ni ght , and t he ot her want s somet hi ng
per manent ( " She f ol l owed me home! Can I keep her ? Pl ease?" ) , you may
be headed f or a maj or mi sunder st andi ng.
We t hi nk i t ' s i mpor t ant t hat t hose who cr ui se as coupl es each have
t hei r own soci al ski l l s. Dependi ng on your par t ner t o do al l t he wor k
of i nt r oduct i ons, conver sat i on, f l i r t at i on and negot i at i on i s bad f or
you and bad f or your par t ner . I t may al so l ead t o mi sunder st andi ngs,
si nce f ew par t ner s ar e ski l l ed enough communi cat or s t o get acr oss al l
your needs, i nt er est s and per sonal i t y t r ai t s.
A pet peeve of many sl ut s i s t he coupl e who t r eat s one or mor e of t he
peopl e i nvol ved i n a di sr espect f ul or obj ect i f yi ng manner . One exampl e
i s t he coupl e who uses t he mor e convent i onal l y at t r act i ve member as
bai t " Cat her i ne r emember s once, i n a gr oup sex envi r onment , bei ng
i nvi t ed by a man t o hel p st i mul at e hi s f emal e par t ner . As she happi l y
j oi ned t he gr oup, she not i ced t hat t he man al most i mmedi at el y shi f t ed
hi s f ocus f r omhi s gi r l f r i end t o her - i gnor i ng t he hapl ess gi r l f r i end
as he gr abbed Cat her i ne' s br east s. Needl ess t o say. Cat her i ne excused
her sel f i mmedi at el y f r omt hi s cr eepy- f eel i ng scene.
I t i s di sr espect f ul t o t r eat t he t hi r d par t y as some sor t of over si zed
mar i t al ai d. Many bi sexual women we know ar e dr i ven t o di st r act i on by
t he " hot bi babe" phenomenon- coupl es who seek t hemout , not because
t hey' r e char mi ng or hot , but because one member of t he coupl e has a
f ant asy about seei ng ( or bei ng par t of ) t wo women get t i ng i t on. Dossi e
was badl y t ur ned of f at one gr oup sex envi r onment i n whi ch she' d
r ecei ved a sexual i nvi t at i on f r oma woman she f ound at t r act i ve. Whi l e
Dossi e' s new f r i end was supposed t o be payi ng at t ent i on t o Dossi e, she
was act ual l y beckoni ng t o her husband; he was poi sed and r eady t o t ake
hi s wi f e' s pl ace when Dossi e opened her eyes and di scover ed t he
subst i t ut i on. Yuck.
The f undament al r ul e f or cr ui si ng as a coupl e, or get t i ng cr ui sed by a
coupl e, i s r espect f or t he f eel i ngs and r el at i onshi ps of al l concer ned.
You dont want t o cr ui se someone who wi l l t r y t o st eal you or your
par t ner f or hi s own, and he doesn' t want t o be cr ui sed by someone who
wi l l use hi m, wi t hhol d i nf or mat i on f r omhi mor mi st r eat hi m. Tr eat
ever ybody i nvol ved wi t h r espect , af f ect i on and i nt i macy, and you can
r eap ver y speci al r ewar ds- anyt hi ng f r oma war mhappy f l i ng t o a
l ong- t er mmul t i per son r el at i onshi p.
FOR EVERYONE
The best , most successf ul and l east obnoxi ous cr ui ser s we know of al l
or i ent at i ons ar e basi cal l y f r i endl y, cur i ous f ol ks who l i ke most peopl e
and ar e i nt er est ed i n t al ki ng t o ever yone. I f some of t he peopl e t hey
t al k t o t ur n i nt o pot ent i al r el at i onshi ps, so much t he bet t er .
Few peopl e of any gender ar e of f ended by an honest compl i ment , an
i nt er est i ng conver sat i onal t opi c, or an appr opr i at e sel f - r evel at i on. I f
your cr ui si ng ski l l s ar e weak, ask one or mor e t r ust ed f r i ends f or a
cr i t i que and pr act i ce unt i l you get bet t er at i t , or t ake one of t he
cl asses i n conver sat i on or f l i r t i ng t hat ar e of f er ed at many Lear ni ng
Annex- t ype or gani zat i ons. Remember , nobody i s bor n knowi ng how t o
cr ui se.
A good conver sat i onal i st i s usual l y a successf ul cr ui ser , and mor e
of t en t han not a ski l l ed par t ner as wel l - because t he gi ve- and- t ake of
good conver sat i on, and sensi t i vi t y t o nonver bal cues, ar e al so
i mpor t ant ski l l s f or good sex and good r el at i onshi ps.
wor k of i nt r oduct i ons, conver sat i on, f l i r t at i on and negot i at i on i s bad
f or you and bad f or your par t ner . I t may al so l ead t o
mi sunder st andi ngs, si nce f ew par t ner s ar e ski l l ed enough communi cat or s
t o get acr oss al l your needs, i nt er est s and per sonal i t y t r ai t s.
A pet peeve of many sl ut s i s t he coupl e who t r eat s one or mor e of t he
peopl e i nvol ved i n a di sr espect f ul or obj ect i f yi ng manner . One exampl e
i s t he coupl e who uses t he mor e convent i onal l y at t r act i ve member as
bai t " Cat her i ne r emember s once, i n a gr oup sex envi r onment , bei ng
i nvi t ed by a man t o hel p st i mul at e hi s f emal e par t ner . As she happi l y
j oi ned t he gr oup, she not i ced t hat t he man al most i mmedi at el y shi f t ed
hi s f ocus f r omhi s gi r l f r i end t o her - i gnor i ng t he hapl ess gi r l f r i end
as he gr abbed Cat her i ne' s br east s. Needl ess t o say. Cat her i ne excused
her sel f i mmedi at el y f r omt hi s cr eepy- f eel i ng scene.
I t i s di sr espect f ul t o t r eat t he t hi r d par t y as some sor t of over si zed
mar i t al ai d. Many bi sexual women we know ar e dr i ven t o di st r act i on by
t he " hot bi babe" phenomenon- coupl es who seek t hemout , not because
t hey' r e char mi ng or hot , but because one member of t he coupl e has a
f ant asy about seei ng ( or bei ng par t of ) t wo women get t i ng i t on. Dossi e
was badl y t ur ned of f at one gr oup sex envi r onment i n whi ch she' d
r ecei ved a sexual i nvi t at i on f r oma woman she f ound at t r act i ve. Whi l e
Dossi e' s new f r i end was supposed t o be payi ng at t ent i on t o Dossi e, she
was act ual l y beckoni ng t o her husband; he was poi sed and r eady t o t ake
hi s wi f e' s pl ace when Dossi e opened her eyes and di scover ed t he
subst i t ut i on. Yuck.
The f undament al r ul e f or cr ui si ng as a coupl e, or get t i ng cr ui sed by a
coupl e, i s r espect f or t he f eel i ngs and r el at i onshi ps of al l concer ned.
You dont want t o cr ui se someone who wi l l t r y t o st eal you or your
par t ner f or hi s own, and he doesn' t want t o be cr ui sed by someone who
wi l l use hi m, wi t hhol d i nf or mat i on f r omhi mor mi st r eat hi m. Tr eat
ever ybody i nvol ved wi t h r espect , af f ect i on and i nt i macy, and you can
r eap ver y speci al r ewar ds- anyt hi ng f r oma war mhappy f l i ng t o a
l ong- t er mmul t i per son r el at i onshi p.
FOR EVERYONE
The best , most successf ul and l east obnoxi ous cr ui ser s we know of al l
or i ent at i ons ar e basi cal l y f r i endl y, cur i ous f ol ks who l i ke most peopl e
and ar e i nt er est ed i n t al ki ng t o ever yone. I f some of t he peopl e t hey
t al k t o t ur n i nt o pot ent i al r el at i onshi ps, so much t he bet t er .
Few peopl e of any gender ar e of f ended by an honest compl i ment , an
i nt er est i ng conver sat i onal t opi c, or an appr opr i at e sel f - r evel at i on. I f
your cr ui si ng ski l l s ar e weak, ask one or mor e t r ust ed f r i ends f or a
cr i t i que and pr act i ce unt i l you get bet t er at i t , or t ake one of t he
cl asses i n conver sat i on or f l i r t i ng t hat ar e of f er ed at many Lear ni ng
Annex- t ype or gani zat i ons. Remember , nobody i s bor n knowi ng how t o
cr ui se.
A good conver sat i onal i st i s usual l y a successf ul cr ui ser , and mor e
of t en t han not a ski l l ed par t ner as wel l - because t he gi ve- and- t ake of
good conver sat i on, and sensi t i vi t y t o nonver bal cues, ar e al so
i mpor t ant ski l l s f or good sex and good r el at i onshi ps.
CHAPTER 2. GROUP SEX, PUBLI C SEX,
ORGI ES. . .
Do you want t o be an or gy sl ut ? Thi s i s a choi ce. No mat t er what you
may have hear d, gr oup sex i s not obl i gat or y f or open r el at i onshi ps, and
we know many f i ne out r ageous sl ut s who dont at t end or gi es, or pr omot e
t hr ee- ways and f our - ways i n t hei r homes. And we know monogamous
coupl es who f r equent publ i c sex envi r onment s f or t he sheer pl easur e of
pl ayi ng wi t h each ot her , i n a speci al and sexy pl ace, compl et e wi t h an
appr eci at i ve audi ence.
I f you have ever had a f ant asy of bei ng made l ove t o by f i ve peopl e, or
havi ng an ext r a pai r of hands t o make l ove wi t h, or l ot s of hot peopl e
t o get i mpul si ve wi t h r i ght now, or an appr eci at i ve audi ence t hat wi l l
t hr i l l t o your t hr ashi ng and scr eami ng i n del i ght . . . i n ot her wor ds, i f
you ar e at t r act ed t o t he i dea of sex par t i es, t hi s chapt er i s f or you.
Her e we wi l l t el l you what you need t o know t o have a good t i me and
deal wi t h any di f f i cul t i es t hat mi ght come up.
We bel i eve t hat i t i s a f undament al l y r adi cal pol i t i cal act t o de
pr i vat i ze sex. So much oppr essi on i n our cul t ur e i s based on shame
about sex: t he oppr essi on of women, of cul t ur al mi nor i t i es, oppr essi on
i n t he name of t he ( pr esumabl y asexual ) f ami l y, oppr essi on of sexual
mi nor i t i es. We ar e al l oppr essed. We have al l been t aught , one way or
anot her , t hat our desi r es, our bodi es, our sexual i t i es, ar e shamef ul .
What bet t er way t o def eat oppr essi on t han t o get t oget her i n
communi t i es and cel ebr at e t he wonder s of sex?
Goi ng t o a sex par t y pr esent s an exci t i ng chal l enge. I t ' s an
oppor t uni t y t o st r et ch and gr ow as we deal wi t h st age f r i ght ,
per f or mance anxi et y, and t he wonder f ul and scar y t ensi on of pl anni ng
and get t i ng r eady f or el abor at ed sex i n an i nt ensel y sexual
envi r onment . We ar e al l ner vous, and t he shar ed vul ner abi l i t y adds t o
t he ar ousal . We l ove t he gi ddy f eel i ng of conquest when we succeed i n
over comi ng al l t hese obst acl es and cr eat i ng a hot sexual encount er .
Ther e' s not a l ot of r oomf or pr uder y and shame at an or gy, and when we
pl ay i n a gr oup of peopl e, we get power f ul r ei nf or cement t hat sex i s
good and beaut i f ul , and t hat we ar e hot and sexy peopl e.
Why Publ i c Sex?
We bot h enj oy publ i c sex, and r egul ar l y at t end what we cal l pl ay
par t i es, envi r onment s i n whi ch peopl e gat her t o enj oy a wi de var i et y of
ki nds of sex wi t h each ot her . I n a hi ghl y char ged sexual at mospher e,
we f eel a syner gi st i c ki nd of ar ousal when ever ybody el se' s exci t ement
f eeds our own, and we f eel connect ed t o and t ur ned on by al l t hi s happy
sex t hat i s goi ng on ar ound us.
Gr oup sex of f er s t he chance t o t r y out new par t ner s i n a saf e
envi r onment , sur r ounded by our f r i ends- we even get t he oppor t uni t y t o
check out a per son we mi ght be t ur ned on t o whi l e t hey make l ove wi t h
someone el se ( an audi t i on or adver t i si ng, dependi ng on your poi nt of
vi ew) .
We can l ear n new sex act s wi t h l ot s of suppor t : we can wat ch someone
el se act ual l y doi ng a f or mof sex t hat we had pr evi ousl y onl y seen i n
our f ant asi es, and we can ask t hemhow t hey do what ever t hat i s when
t hey ar e t hr ough. We l ear ned many of our saf er sex ski l l s at or gi es,
wher e r ubber bar r i er s ar e de r i gueur and t her e i s pl ent y of suppor t f or
deal i ng wi t h awkwar d bi t s of l at ex and mai nt ai ni ng ever ybody' s
wel l - bei ng.
Pl ay par t i es can hel p you get over bad body i mage. As we have poi nt ed
out bef or e, peopl e enj oy sex at al l ages and i n al l ki nds of bodi es,
and at any or gy you wi l l see t hemdoi ng i t . One good way t o pr epar e
f or your f i r st advent ur e at an or gy i s t o vi si t a nude beach or hot
spr i ng, i f you never have bef or e, t o see what r eal peopl e l ook l i ke
wi t hout cl ot hes, and t o exper i ence bei ng naked i n publ i c your sel f .
You' l l st ar t t o see beaut y i n a l ot of bodi es t hat dont l ook anyt hi ng
l i ke t he ones i n Pl ayboy or Pl aygi r l . and t her e' s a l ot of sensual
del i ght t o t he f eel i ng of war msun and gent l e br eezes on al l t he par t s
of our bodi es.
I t i s amazi ng t o us t o t hi nk, af t er many year s of pr act i ci ng sex i n
publ i c, t hat most peopl e i n our cul t ur e have never had a chance t o
wat ch anot her per son enj oy sex. No wonder we wor r y so much about our
appear ance. You wi l l f eel much bet t er about how you l ook, how you
per f or mand who you ar e, when you have a chance t o see r eal peopl e
havi ng r eal sex. Look ar ound you- ever y si ngl e per son i s gor geous when
t hey come. Whi ch i s why t he or gy can be a per f ect st age f or t he
consensual exhi bi t i oni st : at t he sex par t y, we al l get t o be st ar s and
shi ne our br i ght est .
Sex cl ubs ar e ver y speci al envi r onment s. San Fr anci sco, wher e we l i ve,
has a del i ght f ul l y wi de choi ce of or gi ast i c envi r onment s t o choose
f r om. Ther e ar e par t y spaces f or women onl y, f or men onl y, f or
coupl es, f or S/ M ent husi ast s, l over s of dr ag and cost umer y, and par t i es
t hat speci al i ze i n j ust about ever y sexual pr act i ce you can t hi nk of
and some t hat have t o be seen t o be bel i eved.
Par t i es may be openl y adver t i sed t o t he publ i c, adver t i sed onl y i n
newsl et t er s or at suppor t gr oups, or may be r un by i nvi t at i on onl y t o a
pr i vat e mai l i ng l i st . Ther e ar e publ i c cl ubs, l i ke t he gay men' s
bat hs, t hat ar e open t went y- f our hour s a day, seven days a week, and
smal l er spaces, per haps an adapt ed basement r ecr eat i on r oom, whose
owner s host par t i es once or t wi ce a mont h. Ot her congeni al gr oups
sponsor smal l pr i vat e gat her i ngs i n t hei r l i vi ng r ooms.
San Fr anci sco boast s a f ai r number of " par t y houses, " wher e one or t wo
st or i es of a bui l di ng have been dedi cat ed t o t he soci al ar eas and pl ay
r ooms f or par t yi ng. Par t y houses may r ent space t o pr i vat e gr oups, who
mi ght host a par t y once a mont h or so f or t hei r par t i cul ar guest
l i st .
The f i r st gr oup sex par t i es t hat Dossi e at t ended wer e hel d i n a
communal f l at i n San Fr anci sco, under t he pr esi di ng geni us of Bet t y
Dodson. Those who l i ved t her e wer e al l dedi cat ed t o f emi ni sm, gay
l i ber at i on and sexual l i ber at i on, and t hei r commune was a consci ous
exper i ment t o r adi cal l y change t he condi t i ons i n whi ch we can enj oy
sex. They t ook out al l t he door s, and made t he l of t space upst ai r s
i nt o one unbr oken r oomby get t i ng r i d of t he f ur ni t ur e. On a t ypi cal
day, you coul d f i nd sever al peopl e on t he deck sunbat hi ng nude, some
ot her s or gani zi ng di nner , t wo mor e pl ayi ng chess, a coupl e f ucki ng and
anot her per son wat chi ng t hemwhi l e vi br at i ng. Ther e wer e l ar ger
par t i es t hr ee or f our t i mes a year , f ul l of peopl e maki ng l ove i n
gr oups, i n t wos or si ngl y, wi t h l ot s of massage, and t ant r i c
pr act i t i oner s chant i ng " Ommmm" i n r une wi t h t he ever - pr esent humof
vi br at or s. Thi s was a pr i vat e envi r onment , avai l abl e t o t he f r i ends
and l over s of t he si x or seven peopl e who l i ved t her e.
Publ i c sex envi r onment s, whet her t hey' r e l ar ge publ i c cl ubs or smal l
par t y houses, have t he common f unct i on of pr ovi di ng an agr eeabl e space
i n whi ch you can act sexy. Thus, most have some si mi l ar i t i es.
Al t hough t he decor and f ur ni shi ngs of gr oup sex envi r onment s var y as
wi del y as t he human sexual i magi nat i on, t her e ar e basi cs t hat you wi l l
f i nd i n most par t y spaces. Ther e wi l l be a door per son t o check you
i n, and you may be asked t o si gn a wai ver of l i abi l i t y. Ther e wi l l be
a soci al ar ea, wi t h pl aces t o si t and t al k and meet peopl e, usual l y
wi t h a smal l buf f et of snacks and bever ages. Sex does not usual l y t ake
pl ace i n t he soci al ar ea. Ther e wi l l be l ocker s or coat r acks or
shel ves or some pl ace t o put your st r eet cl ot hes, and ei t her change
i nt o par t y cost ume or si mpl y di sr obe. Some par t i es ar e most l y naked,
ot her s f eat ur e a dazzl i ng ar r ay of cl ot hes f or ever y sexual f ant asy.
Ther e wi l l be pr ovi si ons f or cl eanl i ness, bat hr ooms and shower s. Then
t her e wi l l be t he pl ay r oomor r ooms.
Pl ay r ooms var y f r omt i ny cubi cl es, of t en set up as mazes, wi t h a smal l
bed j ust bi g enough t o f uck on, t o l ar ge r ooms wi t h mi r r or ed wal l s and
uphol st er ed f l oor s f or puppy pi l es, gr oup gr opes, and ot her or gi ast i c
act i vi t i es. Ther e may be hot t ubs, st eamr ooms and gar dens f or you t o
cr ui se and r el ax i n. Ther e may be an ar ea f or danci ng. Ther e i s of t en
musi c wi t h a ver y st r ong beat , t o enhance your nat ur al r hyt hmand t o
gi ve a sense of aur al pr i vacy so you won' t be di st r act ed by t he noi se
of ot her s. The l i ght s wi l l be l ow, and of t en r ed or or ange, so we al l
can l ook a l i t t l e t an and per haps a l i t t l e sexi er . Ther e may be r ooms
wi t h f ur ni t ur e i magi nat i vel y desi gned t o have sex on, l i ke medi cal
exami ni ng t abl es or sl i ngs, mi r r or ed beds or dungeons f or S/ M
f ant asi es, or per haps a gi ant wat er bed f or t hose who l i ke t o make
waves.
Pl ay par t y spaces t end t o f or mcommuni t i es. Peopl e t r y out t he var i ous
par t i es i n t hei r ar ea, and usual l y r et ur n t o one or t wo gr oups t hat
t hey f i nd congeni al . As peopl e get t o know each ot her , and shar e t he
speci al i nt i macy of sexual connect i on, t hey of t en become f r i ends and
f or mext ended f ami l i es. I t i s not unusual at al l t o f i nd a sex par t y
Par t i es may be openl y adver t i sed t o t he publ i c, adver t i sed onl y i n
newsl et t er s or at suppor t gr oups, or may be r un by i nvi t at i on onl y t o a
pr i vat e mai l i ng l i st . Ther e ar e publ i c cl ubs, l i ke t he gay men' s
bat hs, t hat ar e open t went y- f our hour s a day, seven days a week, and
smal l er spaces, per haps an adapt ed basement r ecr eat i on r oom, whose
owner s host par t i es once or t wi ce a mont h. Ot her congeni al gr oups
sponsor smal l pr i vat e gat her i ngs i n t hei r l i vi ng r ooms.
San Fr anci sco boast s a f ai r number of " par t y houses, " wher e one or t wo
st or i es of a bui l di ng have been dedi cat ed t o t he soci al ar eas and pl ay
r ooms f or par t yi ng. Par t y houses may r ent space t o pr i vat e gr oups, who
mi ght host a par t y once a mont h or so f or t hei r par t i cul ar guest
l i st .
The f i r st gr oup sex par t i es t hat Dossi e at t ended wer e hel d i n a
communal f l at i n San Fr anci sco, under t he pr esi di ng geni us of Bet t y
Dodson. Those who l i ved t her e wer e al l dedi cat ed t o f emi ni sm, gay
l i ber at i on and sexual l i ber at i on, and t hei r commune was a consci ous
exper i ment t o r adi cal l y change t he condi t i ons i n whi ch we can enj oy
sex. They t ook out al l t he door s, and made t he l of t space upst ai r s
i nt o one unbr oken r oomby get t i ng r i d of t he f ur ni t ur e. On a t ypi cal
day, you coul d f i nd sever al peopl e on t he deck sunbat hi ng nude, some
ot her s or gani zi ng di nner , t wo mor e pl ayi ng chess, a coupl e f ucki ng and
anot her per son wat chi ng t hemwhi l e vi br at i ng. Ther e wer e l ar ger
par t i es t hr ee or f our t i mes a year , f ul l of peopl e maki ng l ove i n
gr oups, i n t wos or si ngl y, wi t h l ot s of massage, and t ant r i c
pr act i t i oner s chant i ng " Ommmm" i n t une wi t h t he ever - pr esent humof
vi br at or s. Thi s was a pr i vat e envi r onment , avai l abl e t o t he f r i ends
and l over s of t he si x or seven peopl e who l i ved t her e.
Publ i c sex envi r onment s, whet her t hey' r e l ar ge publ i c cl ubs or smal l
par t y houses, have t he common f unct i on of pr ovi di ng an agr eeabl e space
i n whi ch you can act sexy. Thus, most have some si mi l ar i t i es.
Al t hough t he decor and f ur ni shi ngs of gr oup sex envi r onment s var y as
wi del y as t he human sexual i magi nat i on, t her e ar e basi cs t hat you wi l l
f i nd i n most par t y spaces. Ther e wi l l be a door per son t o check you
i n, and you may be asked t o si gn a wai ver of l i abi l i t y. Ther e wi l l be
a soci al ar ea, wi t h pl aces t o si t and t al k and meet peopl e, usual l y
wi t h a smal l buf f et of snacks and bever ages. Sex does not usual l y t ake
pl ace i n t he soci al ar ea. Ther e wi l l be l ocker s or coat r acks or
shel ves or some pl ace t o put your st r eet cl ot hes, and ei t her change
i nt o par t y cost ume or si mpl y di sr obe. Some par t i es ar e most l y naked,
ot her s f eat ur e a dazzl i ng ar r ay of cl ot hes f or ever y sexual f ant asy.
Ther e wi l l be pr ovi si ons f or cl eanl i ness, bat hr ooms and shower s. Then
t her e wi l l be t he pl ay r oomor r ooms.
Pl ay r ooms var y f r omt i ny cubi cl es, of t en set up as mazes, wi t h a smal l
bed j ust bi g enough t o f uck on, t o l ar ge r ooms wi t h mi r r or ed wal l s and
uphol st er ed f l oor s f or puppy pi l es, gr oup gr opes, and ot her or gi ast i c
act i vi t i es. Ther e may be hot t ubs, st eamr ooms and gar dens f or you t o
cr ui se and r el ax i n. Ther e may be an ar ea f or danci ng. Ther e i s of t en
musi c wi t h a ver y st r ong beat , t o enhance your nat ur al r hyt hmand t o
gi ve a sense of aur al pr i vacy so you won' t be di st r act ed by t he noi se
of ot her s. The l i ght s wi l l be l ow, and of t en r ed or or ange, so we al l
can l ook a l i t t l e t an and per haps a l i t t l e sexi er . Ther e may be r ooms
wi t h f ur ni t ur e i magi nat i vel y desi gned t o have sex on, l i ke medi cal
exami ni ng t abl es or sl i ngs, mi r r or ed beds or dungeons f or S/ M
f ant asi es, or per haps a gi ant wat er bed f or t hose who l i ke t o make
waves.
Pl ay par t y spaces t end t o f or mcommuni t i es. Peopl e t r y out t he var i ous
par t i es i n t hei r ar ea, and usual l y r et ur n t o one or t wo gr oups t hat
t hey f i nd congeni al . As peopl e get t o know each ot her , and shar e t he
speci al i nt i macy of sexual connect i on, t hey of t en become f r i ends and
f or mext ended f ami l i es. I t i s not unusual at al l t o f i nd a sex par t y
cl ub host i ng a benef i t f or a member who has had an acci dent or a maj or
i l l ness. These ar e communi t i es, and communi t i es t ake car e of t hei r
own.
Gr oup Sex Et i quet t e
We know t hey di dn' t t each you i n school how t o behave at an or gy, and
we bet your mot her di dn' t t each you ei t her .
Ther e i s a par t i cul ar et i quet t e needed f or publ i c sex envi r onment s,
si nce ever yone i n t hemhas l et down some of t hei r cust omar y boundar i es
i n or der t o get cl oser t o each ot her . Soci al boundar i es usual l y ser ve
t he pur pose of keepi ng peopl e at a pr edi ct abl e di st ance, so we al l f eel
saf e i n our own per sonal space. Gr oup sex poses t he chal l enge of
f i gur i ng out how t o f eel saf e and comf y whi l e get t i ng up cl ose and ver y
i nt i mat e wi t h a whol e bunch of pr esumabl y ni ce, sexy peopl e- so new
boundar i es must be devel oped, l ear ned and r espect ed, or no one wi l l
f eel saf e enough t o pl ay.
Many par t y houses show you a l i st of r ul es as you come i n, or post t hem
on t he wal l . Read t hem. They wi l l make sense. Most pl aces speci f y
t he l evel of saf er sex pr ecaut i ons t hey r equi r e, and pr ovi de condoms,
r ubber gl oves, l ubr i cant s, dent al dams, and so on. Even i f you and
your par t ner ar e f l ui d- bonded, you may be asked, or f eel i t i s pol i t e,
t o use l at ex bar r i er s i n a publ i c envi r onment . Et hi cal sl ut s obey t he
r ul es of t he par t i es t hey choose t o at t end.
Responsi bl e voyeur i smi s a must . You may wat ch what peopl e do i n
publ i c pl aces, but al ways f r oma r espect f ul di st ance. I f t he
par t i ci pant s ar e awar e of your pr esence, you ar e t oo cl ose. Whet her or
not i t i s okay t o mast ur bat e whi l e wat chi ng var i es f r ompl ace t o pl ace,
but i t ' s al ways pol i t e t o keep your own exci t ement di scr eet enough t hat
you dont di st r act t he good f ol ks who ar e put t i ng on such a ni ce show
t hey ar e pr obabl y not act ual l y doi ng i t f or you, anyway. Al so be awar e
t hat when you ar e cl ose t o peopl e who ar e pl ayi ng, t hey can hear you
- t hi s i s not an appr opr i at e pl ace t o t el l your f r i end al l about how
awf ul your boss i s, or your r ecent exper i ences at t he pr oct ol ogi st .
The boundar y bet ween soci al t al k space and pl ay space i s ver y
i mpor t ant - when you ent er pl ay space, you ent er i nt o a di f f er ent st at e
of consci ousness t hat t ends t o get you out of your i nt el l ect and i nt o
your body ver y qui ckl y. Too much t al ki ng i n pl ay space can yank you
back i nt o ever yday, ver bal , nonsexual awar eness.
Cr ui si ng i s act i ve, but must not be i nt r usi ve. I deal l y, a r espect f ul
r equest r ecei ves a r espect f ul r esponse, whi ch means i t ' s okay t o ask,
and i f t he answer i s " no, t hank you, " t hat has t o be okay t oo.
Remember , peopl e who come t o or gi es ar e pr et t y sophi st i cat ed, and t hey
ar e her e because t hey know what t hey want . And i f t hat per son you
f ound at t r act i ve doesn' t want t o pl ay wi t h you r i ght now, t hat ' s okay,
t ake i t easy and f i nd someone el se.
Cr ui si ng at gr oup sex par t i es i s not t hat di f f er ent f r omel sewher e,
al t hough per haps mor e honest and t o t he poi nt . Usual l y, you st ar t wi t h
i nt r oduci ng your sel f as a per son: " Hi , I ' mDi ck, what ' s your name?" i s
way pr ef er abl e t o " Hi , do you l i ke my bi g di ck?" Peopl e wi l l t al k f or
a bi t , f l i r t a l i t t l e, and t hen ask qui t e di r ect l y " Woul d you l i ke t o
pl ay wi t h me?" When t he answer i s yes, negot i at i on f ol l ows: " What do
you l i ke t o do? I s t her e anyt hi ng you dont l i ke? Let ' s check t hat we
bot h mean t he same t hi ng by saf er sex, and by t he way, I have t hi s
f ant asy. . . "
non- ver bal communi cat i on
Cr ui si ng by body l anguage al so can wor k, as l ong as you ar e wi l l i ng t o
be r el axed about any mi sunder st andi ngs t hat may ar i se. We bel i eve t hat
i t i s i mpor t ant t o l ear n how t o put what you want i nt o wor ds, so you
have an opt i on f or absol ut el y cl ear communi cat i on. Then you can pur sue
nonver bal cr ui si ng i f you l i ke i t , knowi ng your good communi cat i on
ski l l s wi l l back you up i f you need t hem.
Body l anguage i s about cat chi ng someone' s eye, exchangi ng a smi l e,
movi ng your body cl oser - al ways checki ng t he r esponse. I f you cat ch
hi s eye and he t ur ns hi s back, wel l , t her e' s your answer . I f you move
i nt o her per sonal space and she moves cl oser , t her e' s anot her answer .
I t hel ps t o i ni t i at e t ouch on a r el at i vel y neut r al par t of t he body - a
shoul der , a hand- and agai n, does t he per son move away, or cl oser ? I f
he f r eezes, i t ' s pr obabl y a good i dea t o communi cat e wi t h wor ds.
gender di f f er ences
We l i ve i n a soci et y wher e peopl e l ear n some pr et t y war ped i deas about
sex. Women l ear n t hat t hey ar e not supposed t o be sexual wi t hout
f al l i ng i n l ove, men l ear n t hat sex i s a commodi t y t hat you get f r oma
woman, men may even bel i eve t hat women t hemsel ves ar e commodi t i es.
Gr oup sex onl y wor ks when ever ybody i s acknowl edged as a per son. Nobody
l i kes bei ng t r eat ed l i ke a t hi ng. To avoi d such pr obl ems, most gr oup
sex envi r onment s t hat i ncl ude bot h men and women r est r i ct t he number of
si ngl e men who ar e i nvi t ed, or i nsi st t hat no man i s wel come wi t hout a
f emal e escor t . Thi s i s a sad l ast r esor t f or deal i ng wi t h an
unpl easant r eal i t y, and we qui t e agr ee t hat i t i s unf ai r t hat men of
good wi l l get penal i zed f or t he i nt r usi ve behavi or of men who evi dent l y
dont know any bet t er . But t hat ' s how i t i s, and t he onl y way we ar e
goi ng t o change i t i s t o wor k on our own behavi or and t each our
br ot her s what we l ear n. Cr ui si ng i s di f f er ent by gender , and t hose
di f f er ences become ver y vi si bl e when you compar e gay men' s envi r onment s
t o l esbi an or gi es, and see how t hey ar e si mi l ar and di f f er ent t o het er o
or bi sexual gr oups. Gay men seemt o f eel saf er wi t h anonymous sex, and
gay mal e cr ui si ng at bat hs or cl ubs i s of t en nonver bal . One man mi ght
cat ch anot her ' s eye, smi l e, wal k acr oss t he r oom, t ouch a shoul der and
t hen embr ace, wi t h l i t t l e or no ver bal communi cat i on. Lesbi ans ar e
mor e caut i ous, and t end t o t al k a gr eat deal bef or e movi ng i nt o t he
pl ayr oomand act ual l y get t i ng down.
Women i n al l gr oup sex envi r onment s t end t o be l ess open t han men t o
anonymous sex, and t o pr ef er some communi cat i on and per sonal connect i on
f i r st . Per haps t hi s i s because women have had ser i ous r easons t o f eel
l ess t han saf e ar ound sex wi t h st r anger s, and need some r eassur ance
t hat t hi s i s a saf e per son t o pl ay wi t h. Ther e ar e no r i ght s and
wr ongs t o t hi s si t uat i on, or what wr ong t her e i s exi st s i n our hi st or y,
whi ch we can' t ver y wel l change. What i s i mpor t ant i s t hat ever yone,
mal e, f emal e or t r ansgender ed, st r ai ght , bi or gay, has a r i ght t o f eel
saf e i n or der t o get f r ee t o enj oy sex.
est abl i shi ng consent
Consent i s an absol ut e r equi r ement . Nai ve peopl e somet i mes assume t hat
when t wo or t hr ee or f our peopl e ar e al r eady havi ng sex, i t i s okay t o
j ust j oi n i n and st ar t f ondl i ng somebody. Wel l , i t i sn' t , because you
di dn' t ask, and because you dont know what t hese peopl e want , or what
t hei r l i mi t s ar e. So you mi ght do t he wr ong t hi ng, and t he peopl e you
t r i ed t o j oi n wi l l have t o st op what ever t hey ar e havi ng so much f un
doi ng t o deal wi t h you, and t hen t hey wi l l be j ust i f i abl y angr y. At
you. And how ar e you goi ng t o get consent f r ompeopl e i n t he mi ddl e of
a hot f uck? Tap t hemon t he shoul der and say, " Wi l l you pl ease st op a
moment so I can ask i f I can j oi n you?" Ther e i s j ust about no way t o
j oi n a sexual scene t hat has al r eady st ar t ed unl ess you ar e al r eady
l over s wi t h al l t he peopl e i nvol ved, and even t hen you shoul d be
car ef ul . Respect f or boundar i es, as we have sai d bef or e, i s mandat or y
i f ever yone i s goi ng t o f eel saf e enough t o pl ay f r eel y and wi t hout
const r ai nt . Don' t be t he per son who makes t he envi r onment unsaf e.
I f you ar e pl ayi ng at a par t y and someone i nvades your space, you ar e
qui t e r i ght t o t el l t hemt o move away. I t i s al so appr opr i at e t o l et
your host know about i nt r usi ve peopl e and pushy come- ons - par t y host s
devel op ski l l s t o t al k wi t h peopl e about appr opr i at e behavi or , expl ai n
why t he et i quet t e i s as i t i s, and i f t he per son wi l l not l ear n, t he
host has t he power t o r emove t hat per son f r omt he guest l i st .
wat ch your expect at i ons
Most peopl e appr oach t hei r f i r st gr oup sex par t y wi t h a vi r t ual
br ai nst or mof f ear s, f ant asi es and wi l d expect at i ons about what mi ght ,
or wor se yet , mi ght not happen. We st r ongl y r ecommend t hat you get a
gr i p on your sel f , acknowl edge t hat you act ual l y dont know what i s goi ng
t o happen, and go t o t he par t y wi t h t he expect at i on t hat you wi l l be
pr oud of your sel f i f you manage t o wal k i n t he door . I f you st ay f or
an hour and wat ch, you get a gol d st ar . I f you manage t o i nt r oduce
your sel f t o someone and hol d a conver sat i on, gi ve your sel f a medal of
honor .
Goi ng t o an or gy i s ver y chal l engi ng. Expect t o be ner vous. Expect t o
wor r y. Expect a f ashi on cr i si s, and al l ow at l east t wo hour s t o get
dr essed. Many par t i es speci f y when door s ar e open, and cl ose t hemat
el even or so, because ot her wi se al l t hese ner vous peopl e wi l l ar r i ve
af t er mi dni ght , havi ng f i nal l y deci ded t o wear somet hi ng, and t oo l at e
t o war mup f or pl ay bef or e t he par t y i s over . So be easy on
your sel f .
Dr ess t o l ook good and be comf or t abl e- i t ' s bad enough t o have your
st omach chur ni ng, you dont need your shoes pi nchi ng. Go wi t h t he goal
of maki ng a f ew acquai nt ances and get t i ng f ami l i ar wi t h t he scene and
your r eact i ons t o i t . I f you do get i nspi r ed t o pl ay, and f i nd someone
who want s t o pl ay wi t h you, t hat ' s f i ne, and i f you dont , t hat ' s f i ne
t oo.
COUPLES AT THE ORGY
Deal wi t h your r el at i onshi p bef or e you go t o t he par t y. Thi s i s
i mpor t ant . Ar e you goi ng as a coupl e, t o show of f your i ncr edi bl e
sexi ness? Ar e you cr ui si ng f or t hi r ds and f our t hs? Or ar e you goi ng
as t wo separ at e i ndi vi dual s, t o meet peopl e and shar e sex wi t h t hem? I f
one of you connect s wi t h a hot number , i s t he ot her wel come t o j oi n i n?
Do you need your par t ner ' s agr eement bef or e you pl ay wi t h anyone? Ar e
you commi t t ed t o goi ng home t oget her , or i s i t okay f or one or t he
ot her of you t o sl eep out , and i f bot h want t o, what about t he
babysi t t er ? The r eason you deci de al l t hi s i n advance i s t hat i t i s
way t oo embar r assi ng t o have a di sagr eement about t hi s sor t of t hi ng i n
publ i c, so i f you do di sagr ee, you ar e l i kel y t o get r eal l y angr y and
make a bi g unhappy mess.
Two f r i ends of our s got l ocked i n a di sagr eement about goi ng t o sex
par t i es. They bot h want ed t o go, but one want ed t o go and pl ay wi t h
t he ot her , and t he ot her want ed t o pl ay t he f i el d. What t o do? Wel l ,
t her e ar e par t i es at l east once a mont h ar ound her e, so t hey deci ded t o
go one mont h as a coupl e t o do t hi ngs t oget her , and t he next t o suppor t
each ot her i n separ at e and ser i ousl y i nt ense cr ui si ng.
We l i ke t o wat ch coupl es make l ove wi t h each ot her at par t i es - you can
see t he i nt i macy, and how wel l t hey know each ot her ' s ways, how
beaut i f ul l y t hey f i t t oget her , how exqui si t el y or chest r at ed a sexual
scene t hat has al r eady st ar t ed unl ess you ar e al r eady l over s wi t h al l
t he peopl e i nvol ved, and even t hen you shoul d be car ef ul . Respect f or
boundar i es, as we have sai d bef or e, i s mandat or y i f ever yone i s goi ng
t o f eel saf e enough t o pl ay f r eel y and wi t hout const r ai nt . Don' t be
t he per son who makes t he envi r onment unsaf e.
I f you ar e pl ayi ng at a par t y and someone i nvades your space, you ar e
qui t e r i ght t o t el l t hemt o move away. I t i s al so appr opr i at e t o l et
your host know about i nt r usi ve peopl e and pushy come- ons - par t y host s
devel op ski l l s t o t al k wi t h peopl e about appr opr i at e behavi or , expl ai n
why t he et i quet t e i s as i t i s, and i f t he per son wi l l not l ear n, t he
host has t he power t o r emove t hat per son f r omt he guest l i st .
wat ch your expect at i ons
Most peopl e appr oach t hei r f i r st gr oup sex par t y wi t h a vi r t ual
br ai nst or mof f ear s, f ant asi es and wi l d expect at i ons about what mi ght ,
or wor se yet , mi ght not happen. We st r ongl y r ecommend t hat you get a
gr i p on your sel f , acknowl edge t hat you act ual l y dont know what i s goi ng
t o happen, and go t o t he par t y wi t h t he expect at i on t hat you wi l l be
pr oud of your sel f i f you manage t o wal k i n t he door . I f you st ay f or
an hour and wat ch, you get a gol d st ar . I f you manage t o i nt r oduce
your sel f t o someone and hol d a conver sat i on, gi ve your sel f a medal of
honor .
Goi ng t o an or gy i s ver y chal l engi ng. Expect t o be ner vous. Expect t o
wor r y. Expect a f ashi on cr i si s, and al l ow at l east t wo hour s t o get
dr essed. Many par t i es speci f y when door s ar e open, and cl ose t hemat
el even or so, because ot her wi se al l t hese ner vous peopl e wi l l ar r i ve
af t er mi dni ght , havi ng f i nal l y deci ded t o wear somet hi ng, and t oo l at e
t o war mup f or pl ay bef or e t he par t y i s over . So be easy on
your sel f .
Dr ess t o l ook good and be comf or t abl e i t ' s bad enough t o have your
st omach chur ni ng, you dont need your shoes pi nchi ng. Go wi t h t he goal
of maki ng a f ew acquai nt ances and get t i ng f ami l i ar wi t h t he scene and
your r eact i ons t o i t . I f you do get i nspi r ed t o pl ay, and f i nd someone
who want s t o pl ay wi t h you, t hat ' s f i ne, and i f you dont , t hat ' s f i ne
t oo.
COUPLES AT THE ORGY
Deal wi t h your r el at i onshi p bef or e you go t o t he par t y. Thi s i s
i mpor t ant . Ar e you goi ng as a coupl e, t o show of f your i ncr edi bl e
sexi ness? Ar e you cr ui si ng f or t hi r ds and f our t hs? Or ar e you goi ng
as t wo separ at e i ndi vi dual s, t o meet peopl e and shar e sex wi t h t hem? I f
one of you connect s wi t h a hot number , i s t he ot her wel come t o j oi n i n?
Do you need your par t ner ' s agr eement bef or e you pl ay wi t h anyone? Ar e
you commi t t ed t o goi ng home t oget her , or i s i t okay f or one or t he
ot her of you t o sl eep out , and i f bot h want t o, what about t he
babysi t t er ? The r eason you deci de al l t hi s i n advance i s t hat i t i s
way t oo embar r assi ng t o have a di sagr eement about t hi s sor t of t hi ng i n
publ i c, so i f you do di sagr ee, you ar e l i kel y t o get r eal l y angr y and
make a bi g unhappy mess.
Two f r i ends of our s got l ocked i n a di sagr eement about goi ng t o sex
par t i es. They bot h want ed t o go, but one want ed t o go and pl ay wi t h
t he ot her , and t he ot her want ed t o pl ay t he f i el d. What t o do? Wel l ,
t her e ar e par t i es at l east once a mont h ar ound her e, so t hey deci ded t o
go one mont h as a coupl e t o do t hi ngs t oget her , and t he next t o suppor t
each ot her i n separ at e and ser i ousl y i nt ense cr ui si ng.
We l i ke t o wat ch coupl es make l ove wi t h each ot her at par t i es - you can
see t he i nt i macy, and how wel l t hey know each ot her ' s ways, how
beaut i f ul l y t hey f i t t oget her , how exqui si t el y or chest r at ed l ovemaki ng
can become wi t h year s of pr act i ce. We l i ke i t as a f i ne exper i ence f or
t he voyeur , and because we can l ear n a l ot f r omwat chi ng peopl e who ar e
exper t s on each ot her . We l i ke t o poi nt out t hat showi ng of f t hi s
wondr ous beaut y i s al so excel l ent adver t i si ng f or t he next t i me when
you come t o t he par t y r eady t o wel come new par t ner s.
Pl ay par t i es can al so of f er you t he oppor t uni t y t o pr ocess f ear s and
j eal ousi es about your par t ner . How does i t f eel t o wat ch your par t ner
make l ove wi t h anot her per son? I s i t r eal l y awf ul ? You mi ght be
sur pr i sed t o f i nd your sel f f eel i ng pr et t y neut r al , l i ke " Gee, I t hought
t hat woul d bot her me but act ual l y i t doesn' t ! " You mi ght l i ke t he
chance t o obser ve your l over , how power f ul she l ooks when she t hr ust s,
how sweet he l ooks when he comes. I t mi ght even t ur n you on. Some
coupl es f i nd t hat gr oup sex can r ev up t hei r sex l i f e at home, by
pr ovi di ng a l ot of st i mul us, new i deas t o t r y out , and t he mot i vat i on
and ener gy t o make your l i f e at home as hot as an or gy.
but t ons and bi ases
Expect t o get but t ons pushed. Expect t o di scover your bi ases. At a
gr oup sex par t y you wi l l shar e unpr ecedent ed i nt i macy wi t h a bunch of
st r anger s, and somet i mes t hat wi l l be di f f i cul t . You mi ght st ar t i nt o
a t hr ee way wi t h your gi r l f r i end and anot her man, whi ch seems l i ke a
hot i dea but mi ght t ur n out t o push some but t ons. Yeah, we know, you
set out t o bot h make l ove t o her , but t her e you ar e, wi t h anot her man,
bei ng sexual , and pr obabl y i n physi cal cont act , and how does t hat f eel ?
We l i ke t o at t end pan sexual gr oup sex par t i es, whi ch means t hat
at t endees may i dent i f y as gay or l esbi an or bi sexual or het er o or
t r ansgender ed, but ar e gener al l y comf or t abl e and happy t o pl ay si de
by- si de wi t h peopl e whose desi r es may be ent i r el y di f f er ent t han t hei r
own. We ar e al ways r unni ng i nt o i ssues about t he unf ami l i ar : t he
l esbi an who has never been naked i n t he pr esence of men, much l ess
got t en f ucked; t he gay man who f ear s j udgment f r omwomen, or vi ol ence
f r omst r ai ght men; t he t r ansgender ed woman who get s t o wonder i f t hat
per son who i s so at t r act ed t o her knows what she' s got under her ski r t ,
and does she car e, and i f she car es what i s she goi ng t o do?
What ever your pr ej udi ces ar e- t he peopl e at t hi s par t y ar e t oo ol d, t oo
young, t oo mal e, t oo f emal e, t oo queer , t oo st r ai ght , t oo f at , t oo
t hi n, t oo whi t e, t oo et hni c, what ever - i t r eal l y i s good f or you t o
l ear n t o get bi gger t han your bi ases.
ever yt hi ng embar r assi ng you never t hought of doi ng i n publ i c
I n our f ant asi es, we al l come t oget her as smoot hl y as Fr ed and Gi nger ,
car r i ed away by t he musi c on a r i si ng t i de of passi on- and somet i mes i t
wi l l be l i ke t hat . But you pr obabl y wi l l need t o pr act i ce f i r st , j ust
l i ke Fr ed and Gi nger . Your er ect i on mi ght r ef use t o cooper at e as you
near t he moment of t r ut h, especi al l y when you suddenl y r emember you
need t o put a condomon i t . Or gasmmi ght be mor e di f f i cul t t o f ocus on
i n a noi sy envi r onment wi t h an unf ami l i ar par t ner ar e you goi ng t o f ake
one? What i f you set out t o pl ay wi t h someone and you can' t f i nd your
t ur n- on?
A young r oommat e of Dossi e' s once wound up i n bed wi t h bot h her cur r ent
and her pr evi ous l over i n an unpl anned epi sode of l ust r un amok.
Cour t esy of i nadequat e soundpr oof i ng and a good i magi nat i on, Dossi e
knew what was goi ng on and was wonder i ng how t hey wer e doi ng when
Kenny, t he cur r ent boyf r i end, st agger ed i nt o t he ki t chen. " Dossi e, " he
pl eaded, " I dont know what t o do! Hel p! " She sai d, " Don' t f or get t o
br eat he, t hi s i s not a cont est , t hi s i s about doi ng what f eel s good. "
He mut t er ed i t l i ke a mant r a, " Br eat he, no cont est , f eel good, br eat he,
no cont est . . . " squar ed hi s shoul der s and gamel y r et ur ned t o t he
f r ay.
So i f you f i nd your sel f i nt er nal l y pani cki ng, we encour age you t o
br eat he. Sl ow down. Remember t hat t hi s i s not a r ace, and you ar e not
i n a hur r y. Thi s i s al so not t he Ol ympi cs, you have not hi ng t o pr ove
you and your new f r i end ar e set t i ng out t o do t hi ngs t hat f eel good
wi t h your bodi es. Touch f eel s good. St r oki ng f eel s good. Taki ng t i me
f eel s good. Sl ow down enough so t hat you can t r ul y f eel what you ar e
doi ng. Wor r yi ng about t he f ut ur e wi l l not hel p you get t her e: f ocus on
what you ar e f eel i ng i n t he pr esent . Er ect i ons and or gasms mi ght come,
mi ght go, but you can never go wr ong by doi ng what f eel s good.
The noi se and hect i c ener gy of a par t y can l ead peopl e t o r ush when
sl owi ng down i s t he best way t o connect wi t h your t ur n- on. Peopl e dont
get t ur ned on by magi c, at l east not ver y of t en, or ver y r el i abl y. And
di f f er ent peopl e ar e t ur ned on i n ver y di f f er ent ways. A ver y
i mpor t ant ki nd of sel f - knowl edge wi l l come i n handy at t hese t i mes:
know what t ur ns you on. Whet her i t ' s bi t i ng on t he neck or sucki ng on
t he backs of knees, when you know what get s your j ui ces f l owi ng you can
ask f or i t , and t hen your pl ay par t ner wi l l know what t ur ns you on, and
f eel f r eer t o t el l you what t ur ns her or hi mon, and bef or e you know i t
t her e you al l ar e, compl et el y t ur ned on and f l oat i ng down t he r i ver of
unbr i dl ed l ust .
CONCLUSI ON: A SLUT UTOPI A
par adi gms and pl ur al i sm
Ear l i er i n t hi s book, we di scussed t he par adi gms on whi ch our
r el at i onshi ps, and our bel i ef s about our r el at i onshi ps, ar e based. We
al so t al ked about t he ways i n whi ch our vi si on i s l i mi t ed by t he
pr evai l i ng bel i ef s of our cul t ur e, and t he ways i n whi ch t hose l i mi t s
can pr event us f r omexpandi ng our sexual i t y, our l i f est yl e, our
f ami l i es and our l ove.
Moni smi s t he bel i ef t hat al l pr ocesses, st r uct ur es and r el at i onshi ps
can be r educed t o a si ngl e el ement , t hat ever yt hi ng can event ual l y be
expl ai ned by one gover ni ng pr i nci pl e13. When we ask a quest i on, we
of t en assume t hat t her e must be onl y one answer , and t hus t hat i f
t her e' s mor e t han one answer t hen our t ask i s not f i ni shed and our
quest i on not r eal l y answer ed. Thi s i s moni st t hi nki ng. When we l ook
at how we r un our r el at i onshi ps and f ami l i es, f or exampl e, moni sml eads
us t o bel i eve t hat t her e i s some si ngl e best way, some i deal mar r i age,
and our goal i s t o get as cl ose t o t hat i deal as possi bl e. Moni sm
l eads us t o bel i eve t hat al l possi bi l i t i es can be r anked on a hi er ar chy
l i ke i n t he ol d Sear s cat al og- good, bet t er , best - and t hat onl y t he
best one count s. When we const ant l y compar e our l i ves and our sel ves
t o a si ngl e i deal , and t ake of f poi nt s f or any way i n whi ch we di f f er
f r omt hat i deal , we di scount our sel ves const ant l y, and we never
di scover our t r ue val ue.
good. " He mut t er ed i t l i ke a mant r a, " Br eat he, no cont est , f eel good,
br eat he, no cont est . . . " squar ed hi s shoul der s and gamel y r et ur ned t o
t he f r ay.
So i f you f i nd your sel f i nt er nal l y pani cki ng, we encour age you t o
br eat he. Sl ow down. Remember t hat t hi s i s not a r ace, and you ar e not
i n a hur r y. Thi s i s al so not t he Ol ympi cs, you have not hi ng t o pr ove
you and your new f r i end ar e set t i ng out t o do t hi ngs t hat f eel good
wi t h your bodi es. Touch f eel s good. St r oki ng f eel s good. Taki ng t i me
f eel s good. Sl ow down enough so t hat you can t r ul y f eel what you ar e
doi ng. Wor r yi ng about t he f ut ur e wi l l not hel p you get t her e: f ocus on
what you ar e f eel i ng i n t he pr esent . Er ect i ons and or gasms mi ght come,
mi ght go, but you can never go wr ong by doi ng what f eel s good.
The noi se and hect i c ener gy of a par t y can l ead peopl e t o r ush when
sl owi ng down i s t he best way t o connect wi t h your t ur n- on. Peopl e dont
get t ur ned on by magi c, at l east not ver y of t en, or ver y r el i abl y. And
di f f er ent peopl e ar e t ur ned on i n ver y di f f er ent ways. A ver y
i mpor t ant ki nd of sel f - knowl edge wi l l come i n handy at t hese t i mes:
know what t ur ns you on. Whet her i t ' s bi t i ng on t he neck or sucki ng on
t he backs of knees, when you know what get s your j ui ces f l owi ng you can
ask f or i t , and t hen your pl ay par t ner wi l l know what t ur ns you on, and
f eel f r eer t o t el l you what t ur ns her or hi mon, and bef or e you know i t
t her e you al l ar e, compl et el y t ur ned on and f l oat i ng down t he r i ver of
unbr i dl ed l ust .
CONCLUSI ON: A SLUT UTOPI A
par adi gms and pl ur al i sm
Ear l i er i n t hi s book, we di scussed t he par adi gms on whi ch our
r el at i onshi ps, and our bel i ef s about our r el at i onshi ps, ar e based. We
al so t al ked about t he ways i n whi ch our vi si on i s l i mi t ed by t he
pr evai l i ng bel i ef s of our cul t ur e, and t he ways i n whi ch t hose l i mi t s
can pr event us f r omexpandi ng our sexual i t y, our l i f est yl e, our
f ami l i es and our l ove.
Moni smi s t he bel i ef t hat al l pr ocesses, st r uct ur es and r el at i onshi ps
can be r educed t o a si ngl e el ement , t hat ever yt hi ng can event ual l y be
expl ai ned by one gover ni ng pr i nci pl e13. When we ask a quest i on, we
of t en assume t hat t her e must be onl y one answer , and t hus t hat i f
t her e' s mor e t han one answer t hen our t ask i s not f i ni shed and our
quest i on not r eal l y answer ed. Thi s i s moni st t hi nki ng. When we l ook
at how we r un our r el at i onshi ps and f ami l i es, f or exampl e, moni sml eads
us t o bel i eve t hat t her e i s some si ngl e best way, some i deal mar r i age,
and our goal i s t o get as cl ose t o t hat i deal as possi bl e. Moni sm
l eads us t o bel i eve t hat al l possi bi l i t i es can be r anked on a hi er ar chy
l i ke i n t he ol d Sear s cat al og- good, bet t er , best - and t hat onl y t he
best one count s. When we const ant l y compar e our l i ves and our sel ves
t o a si ngl e i deal , and t ake of f poi nt s f or any way i n whi ch we di f f er
f r omt hat i deal , we di scount our sel ves const ant l y, and we never
di scover our t r ue val ue.
Dual i smi s t he t heor y t hat ever yt hi ng comes i n pai r s, l i ke mi nd and
body, bl ack and whi t e, or , as comput er s woul d have i t , 0 and 1.
Dual i st s descr i be t he wor l d i n t er ms of di vi si ons, of bar r i er s: bet ween
mi nd and body, man and women, st r ai ght and gay, good and bad. We of t en
i magi ne t hat t hese pai r s ar e opposed, l i ke good and evi l . Dual i st i c
t hi nki ng i n t he f or mof adver sar i al i smdomi nat es our cour t s, our
pol i t i cs and our t al k shows, wi t h some cr azy r esul t s: f or i nst ance,
some peopl e bel i eve t hat anyone who enj oys sex out si de of mar r i age must
be at t acki ng t r adi t i onal ways of r el at i ng; our pr esi dent has si gned t he
" Def ense of Mar r i age Act . " Anyt hi ng t hat i s di f f er ent must be opposed,
must be t he enemy.
Dual i smmay l ead t o t he bel i ef t hat you can' t l ove mor e t han one
per son, or t hat you can' t l ove i n di f f er ent ways, or t hat you have a
f i ni t e capaci t y f or l ove t hat " many" must somehow be opposed t o " one, "
or t hat your onl y opt i ons ar e " i n l ove" and " out of l ove, " wi t h no
al l owance f or di f f er ent degr ees or ki nds of l ove.
Pl ur al i smi s t he open- ended vi ew, t he mul t i - val ued syst em, t hat r ef uses
t he i nt el l ect ual si mpl i f i cat i on of r educi ng ever yt hi ng down t o one or
t wo, and i nsi st s on seei ng, and val ui ng, ever yt hi ng t hat t her e i s. To
t he pl ur al i st , al l exi st ence, and cer t ai nl y each si ngl e per son' s l i f e,
i s i mpor t ant - so t her e can be as many ways t o be sexual as t her e ar e t o
be human, and al l of t hemval i d. Ther e ar e l ot s of ways t o r el at e, t o
l ove, t o expr ess gender , t o f or mf ami l i es, t o be i n t he wor l d, t o be
human. And al l of t hose ways ar e wonder f ul .
I n or der t o unl ear n monogamy and l i ber at e our sexual i t y, we need t o
upr oot t he ar bi t r ar y l i mi t at i ons t o our t hi nki ng and seei ng t hat have
been i mposed on our mi nds by pr evi ous phi l osophi es. When we manage t o
get bi gger t han our pr ogr ammed j udgment s, we become abl e t o see beyond:
beyond wor r yi ng about how do we l ook, how' s our per f or mance, our
par t ner ' s per f or mance, our f ant asy of our par t ner ' s ot her l over ' s
per f or mance, al l our bel i ef s t hat we ar e not r eal l y okay. When we
l ear n t o t r anscend t hose condi t i oned r esponses t hat l i mi t our act i ons,
our t hi nki ng and our ver y awar eness, we can f r ee our sel ves t o be f ul l y
consci ous of al l t he wonder f ul var i et y and di ver si t y t hat t her e i s
r i ght now i n t he wor l d, r i ght her e, i n t he pr esent , avai l abl e t o us.
Thus pl ur al i smand sl ut hood can become a pat h t o t r anscendence, a
f r eei ng of t he mi nd and spi r i t as wel l as t he body, a way of bei ng i n
t he wor l d t hat al l ows expanded awar eness, spi r i t ual gr owt h and- not
i nci dent al l y- r eal l y good sex.
sl ut ut opi a
We bel i eve t hat when we exami ne t he i ssues t hat l i mi t our r el at i onshi ps
and our under st andi ng of how we mi ght be, we ar e essent i al l y pl anni ng
f or a soci et y t hat i s appr opr i at e t o t he way many peopl e l i ve t oday
t hat meet s our need f or change and gr owt h whi l e i t f eeds our
f undament al desi r e f or bel ongi ng and f ami l y.
We bel i eve t hat monogamy wi l l cont i nue t o t hr i ve as i t al ways has, a
per f ect l y val i d choi ce f or t hose who t r ul y choose i t . We dont t hi nk
i t ' s much of a choi ce when you ar e f or bi dden t o choose anyt hi ng el se.
We want t o open our vi si on t o accommodat e monogamy as wel l as a
pl et hor a of ot her opt i ons- t o pl an f or f ami l y and soci al st r uct ur es
t hat have gr owi ng r oom, t hat wi l l cont i nue t o st r et ch and adapt , t hat
we can f i t t o our needs i nt o t he f ut ur e. We bel i eve t hat new f or ms of
f ami l i es ar e evol vi ng now, and wi l l cont i nue t o evol ve, not t o suppl ant
t he nucl ear f ami l y but t o suppl ement i t wi t h an abundance of addi t i onal
i deas about how you mi ght choose t o st r uct ur e your f ami l y. We want t o
cr eat e a whol e wor l d of choi ces f or sex and l ove, f or f ami l y and
communi t y. We want t o set you f r ee t o i nvent t he soci et y you want t o
l i ve i n.
Our vi si on of Ut opi a has f r ee l ove, i n al l i t s f or ms, as t he f oundat i on
of our bel i ef s about r eal i t y, about possi bi l i t y, about st ayi ng i n t he
moment and pl anni ng t he f ut ur e. We bel i eve t hat sexual f r eedomhel ps
us t o see our l i ves as t hey r eal l y ar e, wi t h t he honest y t o per cei ve
our sel ves cl ear l y and t he f l ui di t y t o l et us move onwar d as our needs
al t er , as a changi ng and gr owi ng sel f wi t h changi ng and gr owi ng
par t ner s i n a changi ng and gr owi ng wor l d.
We see et hi cal sl ut hood l eadi ng us t o a wor l d wher e we r espect and
honor each i ndi vi dual ' s boundar i es mor e t han we honor any pr econcei ved
set of r ul es about how t hei r boundar i es ought t o be.
And i n expandi ng our sexual l i ves, we f or esee t he devel opment of an
advanced sexual i t y, wher e we can become bot h mor e nat ur al and mor e
human. Sex r eal l y i s a physi cal expr essi on of a whol e l ot of st uf f
t hat has no physi cal exi st ence: l ove and j oy, deep emot i on, i nt ense
cl oseness, pr of ound connect i on, spi r i t ual awar eness, i ncr edi bl y good
f eel i ngs, somet i mes even ecst asy. I n our Ut opi a, i nt el l ect i s not a
t r ap t hat we get st uck i n, but an honor ed t ool we use t o di scover and
access al l t he par t s of our sel ves, and gi ve f or mt o our exper i ence. We
f r ee our ani mal sel ves by openi ng our i nt el l ect s t o awar eness of our
bodi es, and when we ar e no l onger st uck i n our i nt el l ect s we become
mor e l i ke spi r i t : i nt ui t i ve, exper i enci ng t he j oy of l i f e f or t he
si mpl e sake of exper i enci ng, i n communi on wi t h our sel ves, wi t h each
ot her , and beyond.
OUR FAVORI TE SEX FANTASY: SEXUAL ABUNDANCE
We want ever yone t o be f r ee t o expr ess l ove i n ever y possi bl e way. We
want t o cr eat e a wor l d wher e ever yone has pl ent y of what t hey need:
of communi t y, of connect i on, of t ouch and sex and l ove. We want our
chi l dr en t o be r ai sed i n an expanded f ami l y, a connect ed vi l l age wi t hi n
ur ban al i enat i on, wher e t her e ar e enough adul t s who l ove t hemand each
ot her , so t hat t her e i s pl ent y of l ove and at t ent i on and nur t ur ance,
mor e t han enough t o go ar ound. We want a wor l d wher e t he si ck and
agi ng ar e car ed f or by peopl e who l ove t hem, wher e r esour ces ar e shar ed
by peopl e who car e about each ot her .
We dr eamof a wor l d wher e no one i s dr i ven by desi r es t hey have no hope
of f ul f i l l i ng, wher e no one suf f er s f r omshame f or t hei r desi r es, or
embar r assment about t hei r dr eams, wher e no one i s st ar vi ng f r omt he
l ack of sex. We dr eamof a wor l d wher e no one i s l i mi t ed by r ul es t hat
di ct at e t hat t hey must be l ess of a per son, and l ess of a sexual
per son, t han t hey have t he capaci t y t o be.
We dr eamof a wor l d wher e nobody get s t o vot e on your l i f e choi ces, or
who you choose t o l ove, or how you choose t o expr ess t hat l ove, except
your sel f and your l over s. We dr eamof a t i me and a pl ace wher e we wi l l
al l be f r ee t o publ i cl y decl ar e our l ove, f or whoever we l ove, however
we l ove t hem.
And may we al l l ook f or war d t o a l i f et i me of dr eams come t r ue.
whol e wor l d of choi ces f or sex and l ove, f or f ami l y and communi t y. We
want t o set you f r ee t o i nvent t he soci et y you want t o l i ve i n.
Our vi si on of Ut opi a has f r ee l ove, i n al l i t s f or ms, as t he f oundat i on
of our bel i ef s about r eal i t y, about possi bi l i t y, about st ayi ng i n t he
moment and pl anni ng t he f ut ur e. We bel i eve t hat sexual f r eedomhel ps
us t o see our l i ves as t hey r eal l y ar e, wi t h t he honest y t o per cei ve
our sel ves cl ear l y and t he f l ui di t y t o l et us move onwar d as our needs
al t er , as a changi ng and gr owi ng sel f wi t h changi ng and gr owi ng
par t ner s i n a changi ng and gr owi ng wor l d.
We see et hi cal sl ut hood l eadi ng us t o a wor l d wher e we r espect and
honor each i ndi vi dual ' s boundar i es mor e t han we honor any pr econcei ved
set of r ul es about how t hei r boundar i es ought t o be.
And i n expandi ng our sexual l i ves, we f or esee t he devel opment of an
advanced sexual i t y, wher e we can become bot h mor e nat ur al and mor e
human. Sex r eal l y i s a physi cal expr essi on of a whol e l ot of st uf f
t hat has no physi cal exi st ence: l ove and j oy, deep emot i on, i nt ense
cl oseness, pr of ound connect i on, spi r i t ual awar eness, i ncr edi bl y good
f eel i ngs, somet i mes even ecst asy. I n our Ut opi a, i nt el l ect i s not a
t r ap t hat we get st uck i n, but an honor ed t ool we use t o di scover and
access al l t he par t s of our sel ves, and gi ve f or mt o our exper i ence. We
f r ee our ani mal sel ves by openi ng our i nt el l ect s t o awar eness of our
bodi es, and when we ar e no l onger st uck i n our i nt el l ect s we become
mor e l i ke spi r i t : i nt ui t i ve, exper i enci ng t he j oy of l i f e f or t he
si mpl e sake of exper i enci ng, i n communi on wi t h our sel ves, wi t h each
ot her , and beyond.
OUR FAVORI TE SEX FANTASY! SEXUAL ABUNDANCE
We want ever yone t o be f r ee t o expr ess l ove i n ever y possi bl e way. We
want t o cr eat e a wor l d wher e ever yone has pl ent y of what t hey need:
of communi t y, of connect i on, of t ouch and sex and l ove. We want our
chi l dr en t o be r ai sed i n an expanded f ami l y, a connect ed vi l l age wi t hi n
ur ban al i enat i on, wher e t her e ar e enough adul t s who l ove t hemand each
ot her , so t hat t her e i s pl ent y of l ove and at t ent i on and nur t ur ance,
mor e t han enough t o go ar ound. We want a wor l d wher e t he si ck and
agi ng ar e car ed f or by peopl e who l ove t hem, wher e r esour ces ar e shar ed
by peopl e who car e about each ot her .
We dr eamof a wor l d wher e no one i s dr i ven by desi r es t hey have no hope
of f ul f i l l i ng, wher e no one suf f er s f r omshame f or t hei r desi r es, or
embar r assment about t hei r dr eams, wher e no one i s st ar vi ng f r omt he
l ack of sex. We dr eamof a wor l d wher e no one i s l i mi t ed by r ul es t hat
di ct at e t hat t hey must be l ess of a per son, and l ess of a sexual
per son, t han t hey have t he capaci t y t o be.
We dr eamof a wor l d wher e nobody get s t o vot e on your l i f e choi ces, or
who you choose t o l ove, or how you choose t o expr ess t hat l ove, except
your sel f and your l over s. We dr eamof a t i me and a pl ace wher e we wi l l
al l be f r ee t o publ i cl y decl ar e our l ove, f or whoever we l ove, however
we l ove t hem.
And may we al l l ook f or war d t o a l i f et i me of dr eams come t r ue.
Chapt er Not es
1 Edna St . Vi ncent Mi l l ay, Col l ect ed Poems. Har per & Row, NY, no
dat e. Edna i s al so r esponsi bl e f or anot her sl ut f avor i t e: " My candl e
bur ns at bot h ends I t wi l l not l ast t he ni ght . But ah my f oes and oh
my f r i ends I t makes a l ovel y l i ght . "
2 War den B. Pomer oy, Dr . Ki nsey and t he I nst i t ut e f or Sex Resear ch.
Har per & Row Publ i sher s, New Yor k, 1973. Page 316.
3 J ane Aust en, Pr i de and Pr ej udi ce. New Amer i can Li br ar y, 1988.
4 Si gmund Fr eud, Thr ee Cont r i but i ons t o t he Theor y of Sex, E. P.
Dut t on & Co. " I nc. " New Yor k, 1962 ( or i g. 1905) , p. 51.
5 Dossi e East on & Cat her i ne A. Li szt , The Bot t omi ng Book: Or . How
To Get Ter r i bl e Thi ngs Done To You By Wonder f ul Peopl e,
Gr eener y Pr ess, San Fr anci sco, 1994.
6 Wi l hel mRei ch, Sex/ Pol . RandomHouse, New Yor k, 1966.
Thr oughout t hese essays, and i n The Mass Psychol ogy of Fasci sm, Rei ch
devel ops a sophi st i cat ed anal ysi s of t he r ol e of sexual r epr essi on i n
enf or ci ng obedi ence t o aut hor i t y i n cl assi st , capi t al i st and f asci st
soci et i es.
7 J ames Ramey, Ph. D. " I nt i mat e Fr i endshi ps, Pr ent i ce Hal l ,
Engl ewood Cl i f f s, New J er sey, 1976.
8 Wi l l i amH. Mast er s, M. D. " & Vi r gi ni a E. J ohnson, Human Sexual
Response. Li t t l e, Br own & Co. " Bost on, 1966, pps. 198- 201.
9 see Ber nar d Zi l ber gel d, Ph. D. " The New Mal e Sexual i t y. Bant am
Books, New Yor k, 1992, and Lonme Bar bach, Ph. D. : For Your sel f :
The Ful f i l l ment of Femal e Sexual i t y. New Amer i can Li br ar y, New
Yor k, 1991.
10 Nei l Young, " Love I s a Rose, " Si l ver Fi ddl e, 1975
11 Kahl i l Ghi br an, The Pr ophet . Al f r ed A. Knopf , New Yor k, 1968, p.
12 Adapt ed f r omHow t o Tal k So Ki ds Wi l Li st en and Li st en So Ki ds
Wi l l Tal k. Adel e Faber & El ai ne Mazl i sh, Avon Books, New Yor k,
13 RandomHouse Di ct i onar y of t he Engl i sh Language. Unabr i dged,
RandomHouse, New Yor k, 1971, p. 925.
BI BLI OGRAPHY
Dr . Debor ah M. Anapol , Pol yamor y: The New Love Wi t hout Li mi t s. I nt i Net
Resour ce Cent er , San Raf ael , CA, 1997.
Dr . Geor ge R. Bach and Pet er Wyden: The I nt i mat e Enemy: How t o Fi ght
Fai r I n Love and Mar r i age. Avon Books, New Yor k, 1968.
Lonni e Bar bach, Ph. D. : For Each Ot her : Shar i ng Sexual I nt i macy. Si gnet
Books, New Yor k, 1984.
Lonni e Bar bach, Ph. D. : For Your sel f : The Ful f i l l ment of Femal e
Sexual i t y.
New Amer i can Li br ar y, New Yor k, 1991.
Kat e Bor nst ei n: Gender Out l aw: On Men. Women and t he Rest of Us.
Rout l edge, New Yor k, 1994.
Pat Cal i f i a: Publ i c Sex. Cl ei s Pr ess, Pi t t sbur gh, 1994. Pat Cal i f i a:
Sapphi st r y. Nai ad Pr ess, Tal l ahassee, 1988.
St ephani e Covi ngt on, Ph. D. " Awakeni ng Your Sexual i t y: A Gui de f or
Recover i ng Women. Har per , San Fr anci sco, 1991.
Hayden Cur r y, Deni s Cl i f f or d & Robi n Leonar d: A Legal Gui de f or Lesbi an
and Gay Coupl es. Ni nt h Edi t i on, Nol o Pr ess, Ber kel ey, 1996.
Bet t y Dodson, Ph. D. : Sex f or One. Cr own Tr ade Paper backs, New Yor k,
1996.
9 see Ber nar d Zi l ber gel d, Ph. D. " The New Mal e Sexual i t y. Bant am
Books, New Yor k, 1992, and Lonni e Bar bach, Ph. D. : For Your sel f :
The Ful f i l l ment of Femal e Sexual i t y. New Amer i can Li br ar y, New
Yor k, 1991.
10 Nei l Young, " Love I s a Rose, " Si l ver Fi ddl e, 1975
11 Kahl i l Ghi br an, The Pr ophet . Al f r ed A. Knopf , New Yor k, 1968, p.
12 Adapt ed f r omHow t o Tal k So Ki ds Wi l Li st en and Li st en So Ki ds
Wi l l Tal k, Adel e Faber & El ai ne Mazl i sh, Avon Books, New Yor k,
13 RandomHouse Di ct i onar y of t he Engl i sh Language. Unabr i dged,
RandomHouse, New Yor k, 1971, p. 925.
BI BLI OGRAPHY
Dr . Debor ah M. Anapol , Pol yamor y: The New Love Wi t hout Li mi t s. I nt i Net
Resour ce Cent er , San Raf ael , CA, 1997.
Dr . Geor ge R. Bach and Pet er Wyden: The I nt i mat e Enemy: How t o Fi ght
Fai r I n Love and Mar r i age. Avon Books, New Yor k, 1968.
Lonni e Bar bach, Ph. D. : For Each Ot her : Shar i ng Sexual I nt i macy. Si gnet
Books, New Yor k, 1984.
Lonni e Bar bach, Ph. D. : For Your sel f : The Ful f i l l ment of Femal e
Sexual i t y.
New Amer i can Li br ar y, New Yor k, 1991.
Kat e Bor nst ei n: Gender Out l aw: On Men. Women and t he Rest of Us.
Rout l edge, New Yor k, 1994.
Pat Cal i f i a: Publ i c Sex. Cl ei s Pr ess, Pi t t sbur gh, 1994. Pat Cal i f i a:
Sapphi st r y. Nai ad Pr ess, Tal l ahassee, 1988.
St ephani e Covi ngt on, Ph. D. " Awakeni ng Your Sexual i t y: A Gui de f or
Recover i ng Women. Har per , San Fr anci sco, 1991.
Hayden Cur r y, Deni s Cl i f f or d & Robi n Leonar d: A Legal Gui de f or Lesbi an
and Gay Coupl es. Ni nt h Edi t i on, Nol o Pr ess, Ber kel ey, 1996.
Bet t y Dodson, Ph. D. : Sex f or One. Cr own Tr ade Paper backs, New Yor k,
1996.
Si gmund Fr eud: Thr ee Cont r i but i ons t o t he Theor y of Sex. E. P. But t on &
Co. " I nc. " 1962 ( or i gi nal l y publ i shed i n 1905) .
J . Pat r i ck Gannon, Ph. D. : Soul Sur vi vor s: A New Begi nni ng f or Adul t s
Abused As Chi l dr en, Pr ent i ce- Hal l , New Yor k, 1989.
The I nst i t ut e f or Advanced St udy of Human Sexual i t y: The Compl et e Gui de
t o Saf e Sex. Speci f i c Pr ess, Bever l y Hi l l s, Cal i f or ni a, 1987.
Gr eg Ket t el back: How t o Make Love Whi l e Consci ous: Sex and Sobr i et y.
Har per , San Fr anci sco, 1993.
Kevi n Lano and Cl ai r e Par r y, edi t or s: Br eaki ng t he Bar r i er s t o Desi r e:
Pol yamor y. Pol yf i del i t y and Non- monogamy- New Appr oaches t o Mul t i pl e
Rel at i onshi ps, Fi ve Leaves Publ i cat i ons, Not t i ngham, UK, 1995.
Har r i et Gol dhor Ler ner , Ph. D. : The Dance of Anger . Har per & Row, New
Yor k, 1986.
Har r i et Gol dhor Ler ner , Ph. D. : The Dance of I nt i macy. Har per & Row,
New Yor k, 1989.
Dr . Har ol d Li t t en: The J oy of Sol o Sex. Fact or Pr ess, Mobi l e,
Al abama, 1993.
J oAnn Loul an: Lesbi an Sex. Spi nst er s/ Aunt Lut e, San Fr anci sco, 1984.
Dr . Pat r i ci a Love: Hot Monogamy. Pengui n, New Yor k, 1994.
Rober t K. Mof f et : Tant r i c Sex. Ber kel ey Publ i shi ng Cor p. " New Yor k,
1974.
J ack Mor i n, Ph. D. : The Er ot i c Mi nd. Har per Per enni al , New Yor k,
1996.
RyamWear i ng: Lovi ng Mor e: The Pol yf i del i t y Pr i mer . Lovi ng Mor e
Publ i shi ng, Boul der , CO, 1996
Tuppy Owens: Saf er Pl anet Sex: The Handbook. A K Pr ess Di st r i but i on,
Car ol Queen: Exhi bi t i oni smf or t he Shy. Down Ther e Pr ess, San
Fr anci sco, 1995.
J ames Ramey, Ph. D. : I nt i mat e Fr i endshi ps. Pr ent i ce Hal l , Engl e- wood
Cl i f f s, New J er sey, 1976.
Ri l ey K. Smi t h, MA. " and Ti na B. Tessi na, MA. : How t o Be a Coupl e &
St i l l Be Fr ee. Newcast l e Publ i shi ng Co. " I nc. " Nor t h Hol l ywood, CA,
1987.
Kennet h Ray St ubbs, Ph. D. " The Sensuous Lover s' Gui de, Secr et Gar den,
Lar kspur , CA, 1986.
Kennet h Ray St ubbs, Ph. D. " Edi t or . Women of t he Li ght : The New
Sacr ed
Pr ost i t ut e. Secr et Gar den, Lar kspur , CA, 1984.
Cel est e West : Lesbi an Pol yf i del i t y. Bookl egger Pr ess, 1995.
Cat hy Wi nks & Anne Semans, The Good Vi br at i ons Gui de t o Sex. Cl ei s
Pr ess, San Fr anci sco, 1994.
Ber nar d Zi l ber gel d, Ph. D. " The New Mal e Sexual i t y. Bant amBooks, New
Yor k, 1992.
Si gmund Fr eud: Thr ee Cont r i but i ons t o t he Theor y of Sex. E. P. Dut t on &
Co. " I nc. " 1962 ( or i gi nal l y publ i shed i n 1905) .
J . Pat r i ck Gannon, Ph. D. : Soul Sur vi vor s: A New Begi nni ng f or Adul t s
Abused As Chi l dr en. Pr ent i ce- Hal l , New Yor k, 1989.
The I nst i t ut e f or Advanced St udy of Human Sexual i t y: The Compl et e Gui de
t o Saf e Sex. Speci f i c Pr ess, Bever l y Hi l l s, Cal i f or ni a, 1987.
Gr eg Ket t el back: How t o Make Love Whi l e Consci ous: Sex and Sobr i et y.
Har per , San Fr anci sco, 1993.
Kevi n Lano and Cl ai r e Par r y, edi t or s: Br eaki ng t he Bar r i er s t o Desi r e:
Pol yamor y. Pol yf i del i t y and Non- monogamy- New Appr oaches t o Mul t i pl e
Rel at i onshi ps. Fi ve Leaves Publ i cat i ons, Not t i ngham, UK, 1995.
Har r i et Gol dhor Ler ner , Ph. D. : The Dance of Anger . Har per & Row, New
Yor k, 1986.
Har r i et Gol dhor Ler ner , Ph. D. : The Dance of I nt i macy. Har per & Row,
New Yor k, 1989.
Dr . Har ol d Li t t en: The J oy of Sol o Sex. Fact or Pr ess, Mobi l e,
Al abama, 1993.
J oAnn Loul an: Lesbi an Sex. Spi nst er s/ Aunt Lut e, San Fr anci sco, 1984.
Dr . Pat r i ci a Love: Hot Monogamy. Pengui n, New Yor k, 1994.
Rober t K. Mof f et : Tant r i c Sex. Ber kel ey Publ i shi ng Cor p. " New Yor k,
1974.
J ack Mor i n, Ph. D. : The Er ot i c Mi nd. Har per Per enni al , New Yor k,
1996.
RyamNear i ng: Lovi ng Mor e: The Pol yf i del i t y Pr i mer . Lovi ng Mor e
Publ i shi ng, Boul der , CO, 1996
Tuppy Owens: Saf er Pl anet Sex: The Handbook. A K Pr ess Di st r i but i on,
Car ol Queen: Exhi bi t i oni smf or t he Shy. Down Ther e Pr ess, San
Fr anci sco, 1995.
J ames Ramey, Ph. D. : I nt i mat e Fr i endshi ps, Pr ent i ce Hal l , Engl e- wood
Cl i f f s, New J er sey, 1976.
Ri l ey K. Smi t h, MA. " and Ti na B. Tessi na, MA. : How t o Be a Coupl e &
St i l l Be Fr ee. Newcast l e Publ i shi ng Co. " I nc. " Nor t h Hol l ywood, CA,
1987.
Kennet h Ray St ubbs, Ph. D. " The Sensuous Lover s' Gui de. Secr et Gar den,
Lar kspur , CA, 1986.
Kennet h Ray St ubbs, Ph. D. " Edi t or . Women of t he Li ght : The New
Sacr ed
Pr ost i t ut e. Secr et Gar den, Lar kspur , CA, 1984.
Cel est e West : Lesbi an Pol yf i del i t y, Bookl egger Pr ess, 1995.
Cat hy Wi nks & Anne Semans, The Good Vi br at i ons Gui de t o Sex, Cl ei s
Pr ess, San Fr anci sco, 1994.
Ber nar d Zi l ber gel d, Ph. D. " The Mew Mal e Sexual i t y. Bant amBooks, New
Yor k, 1992.
RESOURCES FOR SLUTS
magazi nes and per i odi cal s
Gr een Egg P. O. Box 1542 Uki ah, CA 95482
These f ol ks al so of f er var i ous books and t apes on pol yamor y and
pol yf i del i t y, and sponsor an annual conf er ence
Lovi ng Mor e
P. O. Box 4358
Boul der , CO 80306
Phone/ FAX 303/ 543- 7540 Mount ai n Ti me
Ryam@l ovemor e. comht t p: / / www. l ovemor e. comcl ubs, wor kshops and ot her
r esour ces
Al t . pol yamor y i s a medi um- t r af f i c I nt er net Usenet newsgr oup whi ch
f ocuses speci f i cal l y on i ssues sur r oundi ng open and non monogamous
r el at i onshi ps. Whi l e t he maj or i t y of post er s ar e i nt er est ed i n
l ong- t er mcommi t t ed mul t i par t ner r el at i onshi ps, ot her post er s
r epr esent ot her f or ms of sl ut dom. I t s FAQ ( Fr equent l y Asked Quest i ons)
get s post ed about once a mont h, or you can r ead i t on t he Web at
ht t p: / / www. cs. r uu. nl / was/ ht ml / nadi r / pol yamor y/ f aq. ht ml . Anot her Usenet
gr oup, al t . per sonal s. pol y, i s a good pl ace
f or per sonal ads i f you' r e seeki ng par t ner s f or non- monogamous
r el at i onshi ps or f un.
I f you' r e gay or l esbi an, t hese ar e good pl aces t o st ar t i n your sear ch
f or sl ut s i nt er est ed i n same- sex r el at i onshi ps.
The Bob Damr on Gui debook
The Damr on Company
P. O. Box 422458
San Fr anci sco, CA 94142- 2458
Nat i onal Gay Yel l ow Pages Box 292, Vi l l age St at i on New Yor k, NY 10014
I f you' r e bi sexual , t r y:
Bi sexual Resour ce Cent er
P. O. Box 639
Cambr i dge, MA 02140
( 617) 338- 9595
br c@nor n. or g ht t p: / / nor n. or g/ pub/ ot her or gs/ br c/ i ndex. ht ml
Thi s or gani zat i on put s on a ser i es of weekend- l ong i nt ensi ve wor kshops
on Sex, Love and I nt i macy. We hear t hey ar e excel l ent . Human
Awar eness I nst i t ut e 1720 Sout h Amphl et t Bl vd. " St e. 120 San Mat eo, CA
94402 ( 800) 800- 4117 i nf o@had. or g
Thi s or gani zat i on of f er s cour ses, i n var i ous l ocat i ons nat i onwi de,
desi gned t o hel p men and women expand t hei r er ot i c boundar i es and
deepen t he connect i on bet ween t he sexual and t he spi r i t ual .
Body El ect r i c
( 510) 653- 1594
Thi s or gani zat i on of f er s wor kshops and i ndi vi dual i zed consul t at i on on
pol amor y, sexual heal i ng, sacr ed sexual i t y and r el at ed t opi cs. I t al so
sel l s a var i et y of books, magazi nes and vi deot apes on pol yamor y and
spi r i t ual i t y.
Sacr ed Space I nst i t ut e
PO. Box 4322
San Raf ael , CA 94913
( 415) 507- 1739
pad@wel l . com
I f you ar e pr i mar i l y het er osexual , and l ooki ng f or f r i endl y and
uncommi t t ed sex out si de a pr i mar y r el at i onshi p, t he swi ng communi t y may
be your home. These f ol ks sponsor var i ous event s and vacat i ons, and
publ i sh a di r ect or y of swi ng cl ubs wor l dwi de.
Nor t h Amer i can Swi ng Cl ub Associ at i on ( NASCA)
P. O. Box 7128
Buena Par k, CA 90622
( 714) 229- 4870
r esour ces t hat can hel p wi t h pr obl ems
Ki nk- Awar e Pr of essi onal s i s a l i st of physi ci ans, t her api st s, at t or neys
and ot her pr of essi onal s who ar e open t o al t er nat i ve sexual i t i es and
l i f est yl es. E- mai l r ace@bannon. com, check t hei r websi t e at ht t p: / /
www. bannon. com/ ~r ace/ kap, or send a sel f - addr essed busi ness- si zed
envel ope wi t h t wo r egul ar st amps on i t t o:
Ki nk- Awar e Pr of essi onal s co Race Bannon
584 Cast r o St . #518
San Fr anci sco, CA 94114- 2500
The Nat i onal STD Hot l i ne can answer your quest i ons and r ef er you t o
r esour ces about sexual l y t r ansmi t t ed di seases and condi t i ons. Thei r
t ol l - f r ee number i s ( 800) 227- 8922.
The Nat i onal Domest i c Vi ol ence Hot l i ne can hel p i f anyone i n your
r el at i onshi p i s vi ol ent or abusi ve. Thei r t ol l - f r ee number i s ( 800)
333SAFE.
Pl anned Par ent hood can hel p you wi t h i ssues sur r oundi ng bi r t h cont r ol ,
pr egnancy ( want ed or unwant ed) , and sexual l y t r ansmi t t ed di seases and
condi t i ons. Cal l t hei r nat i onal t ol l - f r ee number at ( 800) 344- 4435 t o
l ear n t he l ocat i on of t he of f i ce near est you.
gener al r esour ces
Thi s uni ver si t y- based or gani zat i on mai nt ai ns a det ai l ed, t hor ough, and
up- t o- dat e dat abase of sexual i t y- r el at ed i nf or mat i on. Wr i t e t hem, or
bet t er yet check t hei r websi t e, f or good cur r ent i nf or mat i on about
r esour ces f or sl ut s.
Soci et y f or Human Sexual i t y
Uni ver si t y of Washi ngt on
SAO 141
Box 352238
Seat t l e, WA 98195
ht t p: / / weber . u. washi ngt on. edu/ ~sf pse/
Thi s f r ee swi t chboar d i s st af f ed on weekdays f r om3 p. m. t o 9 p. m.
Paci f i c t i me wi t h t r ai ned vol unt eer s who can answer sex r el at ed
quest i ons and r ef er you t o gr oups whi ch ar e appr opr i at e t o your
needs.
San Fr anci sco Sex I nf or mat i on
( 415) 989- 7374
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