THE RICK IS ALWAYS GREENER

WRITTEN BY:
Joe Fleming
EXT. SMITH BACKYARD - AFTERNOON
Peaceful, green backyard, when suddenly Rick's green portal
appears for a moment, and then Rick and Morty step out,
covered in stinking, green ooze.
MORTY
Dang it, Rick! You said this stuff
wouldn't burn us! It hurts like
heck!
RICK
No, Morty, I said it wouldn't burn
me. Gangalore mucus is especially
potent when comeing in contact with
kids, especially little boys who
never stop complaining...
MORTY
Ehhhh, (breaks) I can't take it
anymore! My flesh is on fire!
Morty begins flailing around in pain, as Rick calmly scrapes
some ooze off of Morty's skin with his finger then puts it in
his mouth. Morty runs O.S.
RICK
Oh god, that's good mucus.
O.S. we hear Morty scream and the sound of his clothes being
ripping off. Rick's face turns from joy to panic.
RICK (CONT'D)
Aw, Morty, no!
Cut to Morty, who is completely naked, still covered in ooze,
washing himself off with the garden hose.
MORTY
(relief) Ahhh.
Rick grabs Morty from under the stream of water and carries
him into the house.
RICK
I'm sorry, buddy, this stuff is
worth a crap ton on the green
market.
Instantly Morty begins screaming in pain, again. Rick sprints
through the family room with Morty in his arms, leaving a
thick trail of the ooze throughout the house.
BETH
Dad! Come on!
Beth goes to examine the couch, newly covered in the green
2.
ooze, which is starting to corrode and dissolve the fibers of
the couch, leaving a gapping hole.
JERRY
Oh, no! I spent the whole night
scotch-guarding that...
Beth gets noticeably angry at this.
BETH
That was the late-night conference
call you couldn't come to bed
for...
Jerry instantly knows he is in trouble and tries to come up
with something profound to say, preparing to by lifting his
finger in the air.
JERRY
Couches need love too, Beth.
Jerry looks confident, Beth gargles in anger and walks away,
Jerry still has his finger in the air, mouth agape.
CUT TO: MAIN
CREDITS
INT. SMITH KITCHEN - LATER
All five members of the Smith family have gathered around the
kitchen table to have a family meeting.
BETH
It's not that we're saying don't
adventure anymore, because we're
not. In fact, I support it, I think
it has done wonders for Morty's
confidence.
MORTY
Aw, cram it, Mom!
JERRY
Morty!
MORTY
I'm sorry.
BETH
But the damage and destruction that
you leave in your wake...Dad, we're
barely able to repair the holes in
our foundation without having to
worry about burning green ooze!
Jerry looks surprised by this and immediately goes to Beth's
3.
side.
JERRY
You really mean that, Beth? About
the holes in our foundation?
Because I sometimes think the same
thing, but I also think that if we
just admit there are weaknesses and
then work together to fix them...
well I think this is just great,
Beth.
BETH
Jerry, I'm talking about the
literal holes in our home's
foundation. You know? The one's you
keep putting off repairing until
one day they'll collapse and kill
us all.
JERRY
Yeah...I know...
Jerry instantly sits back down, devastated.
RICK
Enough people. Beth, my *burps*
dear, what you are forgetting is
that the (finger quotes) "burning
green ooze" I dragged through your
house is worth thousands of
Quatloos in any Baaian market, they
go crazy for the stuff. Filipinos
too.
SUMMER
What's a Quatloo?
JERRY
It's a dumb made up currency,
Summer, from a dumb made up show,
about dumb made up places.
Rick stands up out of his chair.
RICK
Come over here, Summer.
Summer comes over, hesitantly. Rick turns his back to Jerry
and raises his lab coat to one side as a wall, blocking him.
With his other hand he draws an item from his pocket.
RICK (CONT'D)
This, is a Quatloo.
The second Rick pulls the object from his pocket a large glow
fills the entire kitchen. Summer's eyes go wide, Jerry can
4.
not see anything because of the lab coat.
SUMMER
It's...It's beautiful.
Jerry starts to move around in his chair.
JERRY
Well, hey, let me see.
Jerry gets up to see, but Rick blocks him with the lab coat
each time, raising and lowering to check Jerry. Morty gets up
and walks on the other side of the kitchen to observe the
object. He too gets wide eyed.
MORTY
It's so warm...
JERRY
Aw, come on Rick! Let me see!
RICK
Sorry, Jerry, I can't hear you on
my dumb made up planet, holding my
dumb made up Quatloo.
Rick puts the item back in his pocket causing the glow to
leave the room and Morty and Summer to snap out of their
trance. Jerry looks crushed.
JERRY
(to Morty) Hey, how was it?
MORTY
(mellow) It's like...Life just a
little less hard now, you know what
I mean, Dad?
JERRY
(sad) No...I don't know...
BETH
None of that changes the fact that
there is always a mess, and I am
always the one to clean it up.
We're all just tired of it, right
Jerry?
JERRY
Oh, I don't know honey, Rick does
have a good point about the messes.
Right, Rick?
BETH
Jerry!
5.
JERRY
Messes right, Rick? Hey, speaking
of messes, could I see the thing in
your pocket now?
SUMMER
I agree with Mom, three of my
friends have gotten cancer from
having sleep-overs here!
RICK
Hey! *burps* They all signed
waivers...
MORTY
Yeah, Rick, and you know I love our
adventures, but sometimes it's good
to have a nice, clean house to come
home to.
Rick looks very disappointed.
RICK
Et tu, Mor-tay?
JERRY
Hey! Come on, team! Quit ganging up
on ol' Rick here. We're gonna go
make some fantastic messes, and
then we'll both have a good long
look at the thing. Right, Rick? The
thing?
RICK
That's right, Jerry! Team messy for
life over here, baby!
BETH
So then we've accomplished nothing.
We can't just have half a clean
house.
Rick pulls out a large, glowing, wand-shaped device from his
pocket.
RICK
Beth, never say the word "can't"
around a scientist...Or the word
that sounds like can't if it's a
woman scientist.
CUT TO:
INT. FAMILY ROOM - SECONDS LATER
Rick and Jerry are on one side of the family room. Morty,
6.
Beth, and Summer are on the other. The two groups meet each
other in the middle.
BETH
Really, Jerry? You're just going to
let this happen?
JERRY
Oh, Beth...the things we do for the
stuff we want to see...
Beth rolls her eyes.
RICK
I call this baby the "a la I Love
Lucy"
Rick pulls out the wand device from his front pocket.
RICK (CONT'D)
I will draw a line down the middle
of the house, effectively creating
two houses, existing
simultaneously. One will be a
carefree, nurturing environment
where anything goes and science
flourishes, and the other...Is
Germany on the heels of invading
Poland.
BETH
You know that's not what I want. A
little bit of order is all I'm
asking for.
SUMMER
Just do it already, Grandpa! I
can't wait to get away from this
ooze stink.
Rick clicks something on the wand and it begins to hum,
powering up.
MORTY
I'm sorry again, Rick, I just
really like my room to be livable,
you know?
RICK
You're dead to me, Morty.
On this line, Rick activates the wand and starting on one
side of the room draws a line which glows magnificently
behind the device, Rick keeps going across the entire length
of the room.
7.
JERRY
So, after this you'll show me the
Quayloom, right?
RICK
Hey, Jerry?
JERRY
(excited) Yeah, Rick?
RICK
Shut your *burps* dumb mouth.
Rick finishes the line which now fully extends across the
room. Seconds after the completion the entire room starts to
shake violently and the line's glow grows until the whole
room is enveloped in white and there is nothing left on the
screen.
CUT TO:
INT. PURGATORY LIKE ABYSS - MOMENTS LATER
Rick and Jerry are standing in a pure white abyss.
RICK
(sarcastically) Oh, wow, it back
fired, I can't *fucking* believe
it.
JERRY
Oh my god, what is this? Did we
die, Rick? Where's everyone? Beth!
Kids!
RICK
They can't hear you, Jerry, they
were on the other side of the line
remember?
JERRY
Why are we in purgatory then?!
RICK
(under his breath) I'd call this
hell.
JERRY
What was that?
RICK
Just saying how I'm going to fix
this all up for ya' bud!
8.
JERRY
And how the heck do you plan to do
that? And why does it look like I'm
about to be loaded into the Matrix?
Rick removes the wand from his jacket and examines it,
flipping it over and looking at the bottom.
RICK
Oh yeah, there's your problem right
there, Jerry. You see?
Rick shows the bottom of the wand to Jerry, which includes a
dial and multiple settings including, "Freaky Friday," "O.
Henry" and "Scrooge".
RICK (CONT'D)
It was flipped to "Freaky Friday,"
and now it's trying to teach us a
lesson by putting each of us in the
house we didn't want. (intrigued)
Hm, how do you like that?
JERRY
(squints, dubious) Does all your
technology revolve television?
RICK
Just this weeks. All of this stuff
came from the Sweeps Week Universe.
It's Dy-no-mite, Jerry!
JERRY
Gosh. So we're stuck in here. There
is only one thing to do then, I
suppose... Kill you, and take the
shiny, shiny thing.
Jerry's eyes go wide and he starts to approach Rick like a
crazed, drooling zombie. Rick tries his best to keep him at
arm's length, stepping back cautiously away from him, deeper
into the white abyss.
RICK
Hey! Hey, get away from me! Dammit,
Jerry, it's just money, you nut.
Rick goes to remove the Quatloo from his pocket but stops
suddenly and begins patting his chest.
RICK (CONT'D)
Son of a-
Rick is still patting down his coat.
9.
JERRY
What's going on...Is this some kind
of old man trick?
RICK
Ah! It must have been Morty...Five
minutes without my guidance and
he's frisking me like a Gypsy.
JERRY
I don't believe you! I don't!
On the second "I don't!", Jerry rips Rick's shirt off
exposing his gray chest hairs and a heart tattoo which reads:
"XCEYUI 9" Jerry stops pressing him after realizing he went
too far. Rick looks down at his ripped shirt and is pissed.
RICK
Oh it is so on.
Jerry realizes his mistake and starts to run the opposite
way, still into the white abyss, Rick follows after, still
pissed.
JERRY
Help me, anyone!
CUT TO:
EXT. GARBAGE CITY ALLEYWAY - CONTINUOUS
Morty, Beth, and Summer awaken in a dark, dirty, abandoned
alleyway. Written in paint along the wall in blood is:
"Welcome to Hell." Litter and grime are everywhere.
MORTY
Where...Where are we?
SUMMMER
Ugh...It smells even worse now.
What did Grandpa do?
BETH
Sent us to Sacramento from the
looks of it...
Something O.S. clinks around. All three characters fall
quiet.
MORTY
Did you guys here that?
SUMMER
Stop it, Morty, you're scaring
me...
10.
Again something O.S. clinks around.
MORTY
You heard that!
BETH
Kids, get behind me.
Beth puts herself in front of Morty and Summer, lengthening
her arms to keep them both shielded. They back up further
into the alley, away from the clinking. They keep backing up
until they bump into a large man wearing a lime green
bio-hazard suit.
BIO-HAZARD MAN
Freeze!
MORTY
Run!!
Summer and Beth start to scream and all three begin to run
away down the other side of the alley, away from Bio-Hazard
Man. They continue to run, until they see a Caped Figure in
the distance, holding a lantern, and entering a hole in the
side of the alleyway.
Morty, Summer and Beth have no choice, the Bio-Hazard Man is
hot on their trail, now brandishing a large weapon, shaped
like a mop. They follow the Caped Figure into a hole in the
wall of the alley, all four enter the hole, which then seals
itself. The Bio-Hazard Man runs past the hole and then stops,
confused as to where his prey vanished to.
CUT TO:
INT. GARBAGE CITY TUNNELS - CONTINUOUS
On the other side of the hole, the room is pitch black.
BETH
Is everyone okay?
SUMMER
I think so.
MORTY
Jesus, what was that guy's problem?
The Caped Figure lifts his lantern up and the room fills a
little with light. The Caped Figure reveals himself to be
covered in filth and ooze, stink is apparent. He brandishes a
small knife, pointing it at his now captors.
CAPED FIGURE
Do not move, Cleaners!
11.
Morty, Beth, and Summer put their hands up in fear.
MORTY
Just take them, mister! I won't
argue or fight, take my sister and
my mom and I will just walk away, I
swear to god!
BETH & SUMMER
Morty!
MORTY
Okay, fine! Just take Summer, she's
got to be worth at least a car.
SUMMER
You really think? Like a sedan? Or
even nicer?
CAPED FIGURE
Quiet, clean ones! You're presence
is an affront to the principals of
Garbage City.
BETH
(skeptical) Garbage City? Jesus,
Dad, I ask you to clean my house
and you turn it into a city that
worships garbage....
MORTY
We're not against you, um, sir?
That thing out there was chasing us
the same as you!
The Caped Figure starts to understand. He lowers his knife
and looks shameful.
CAPED FIGURE
I am so sorry, I have made a real
brush out of myself...
MORTY
Well, just what the hell was that
thing?
CAPED FIGURE
He is one of the Cleaners. They
call themselves the law, but their
stench...It has no honor...(yells
through the wall) They are nothing
but a bunch of bleached boys!
MORTY
Okay, yeah we get it. Clean versus
dirty, we're not *fucking* morons.
12.
BETH
Morty!
MORTY
Aw, I'm sorry, Mom, he's just
clearly such an asshole.
BETH
(to Caped Figure) I'm so sorry for
his behavior, Mister...?
CAPED FIGURE
I am called Mud. And there is no
need to apologize, in Garbage City
being an asshole is something
everybody strives for.
BETH
Yeah, I'm starting to figure that
out...
CUT TO:
INT. PURGATORY LIKE ABYSS - CONTINUOUS
Rick and Jerry are still in the pure white abyss. Rick is
standing, looking intently at his wand device, disassembling
and inspecting the pieces. Jerry is sitting like a child on
the ground, repeatedly punching the white ground over and
over again trying to break free. He is also singing "the
thing, the thing, one day I'll see the thing" over and over
again. Rick walks over to stand nex to Jerry.
RICK
Jesus, Jerry, I'm finding it harder
and harder to rationalize how you
graduated college.
JERRY
Hey at least I'm trying to get us
out of here! You're just standing
over there doing nothing with that
dumb "a la I Love Lucy!"
RICK
(heavy sarcasm) Oh yeah, standing
over there, examining the exact
device that caused the problem
we're in. That is definitely a
waste of time, definitely. Hey,
Jerry? Can I join your brilliant
punch plan? How does it go again?
Oh yeah: "Punch. Punch. Punch. I'm
A GODDAMN MORON!
13.
JERRY
You know what, Rick? (holding back
tears) Maybe you will get us out of
here, because your words hurt just
as much as my punches!
Jerry runs O.S. crying
RICK
Ah, come on Jer' I was just messing
with you. Hey! Come on buddy, look!
Rick pretends to punch the ground like Jerry was doing. He
does it for awhile enthusiastically but then dies down when
Jerry does not return.
RICK (CONT'D)
Ah, whatever. Not everyone is cut
out for trans-dimensional
adventuring. At least...Not as much
as other are...
Rick takes out a framed portrait of Morty being seared by a
flame to the face, in the picture he looks to be in extreme
pain.
RICK (CONT'D)
(longing) Morty, I miss you little
buddy...
Suddenly, a faint after image of Morty runs past Rick, he
looks frightened.
RICK (CONT'D)
Hey! Hey, Morty!
The faint image of Morty does not hear or respond to Rick.
Suddenly Beth and Summer's faint images appear and they go
right through Rick.
RICK (CONT'D)
Whoa, what the *burps* hell was
that?
CUT TO:
INT. GARBAGE CITY TUNNELS - CONTINUOUS
Morty, Summer and Beth look exactly as they did to Rick only
completely intact this time, in Garbage City. They are with
Mud (the Caped Figure) and are running for their lives. They
are being pursued by three Bio-Hazard Men.
BIO HAZARD MAN #1
In the name of lemony scents, stop
scoundrels!
14.
One of the Bio-Hazard Men start to fire laser beams at the
fleeing party. He misses, but everything the laser hits turns
from gross garbage to clean, tile floors.
MORTY
(out of breath) We're done for! Ah,
jeez, this is it!
BETH
Wait, Morty! Stop!
Beth notices that Morty's clothes still have a little bit of
green ooze left on them. She balls up enough to make a golf
sized ooze ball.
BETH (CONT'D)
If these guys are even half the
clean freaks I am, then they'll
cream over this stuff.
Morty and Summer give each other a grossed out look, mouthing
the word: "cream?" to each other.
The three Bio-Hazard Men are quickly approaching, Beth
squints her eyes and in a very bad ass way she says:
BETH (CONT'D)
Talk to dirty to me...
And then throws the ooze ball up into he air and runs away
grabbing Rick and Summer.
The three Bio-Hazard Men are still running when suddenly the
ball lands right in their path, causing a massive explosion.
All three men get blown across the tunnel. When the smoke
clears, we see that there are severed limbs and blood strewn
everywhere. One Bio-Hazard Man is gone, one Bio-Hazard man's
leg is missing and he is screaming bloody murder, while the
remaining Bio-Hazard man is curled up in the fetal position,
chanting to himself:
BIO HAZARD MAN #3
I'm a clean boy...I'm a clean,
clean boy...
Morty, Beth, Summer, and Mud have stopped running and look on
at the horror, mouths agape.
SUMMER
Oh my god, Mom...
BETH
I didn't know! I thought everything
here was just dumb allegory! I
didn't know people were going to
die!
15.
MUD
All is fair in love and garbage...
Beth groans in disgust.
CUT TO:
COMMERCIAL
BREAK
GINT. PURGATORY LIKE ABYSS - CONTINUOUS
Rick and Jerry are still standing in a pure white abyss.
Jerry is holding Rick's wand device in one hand, with his arm
raised high into the air. He is also standing on one leg and
trying very hard to balance.
RICK
That's it, hold it. Hold it right
there, that should do it.
JERRY
I don't know how much longer I can
do it!
RICK
It's working, Jerry! Keep it up!
You're doing it!
JERRY
How do you know it's working
without any equipment?
Rick goes from enthusiastic to bored again.
RICK
Yeah you got me, you're not doing
anything.
Jerry puts his other foot down and lowers his arm.
JERRY
Dammit, Rick! Why do you always do
that to me?
RICK
Do what to you? Save your life?
Raise your son? Cover your house in
delicious Gangalore mucus? I'm not
really seeing how anyone is a
victim in all of this.
JERRY
You talk to me like I'm a dimwit,
and like everything is my fault.
Rick goes to comfort Jerry and Jerry lets him.
16.
RICK
Aw, come on, sport. The only reason
I say those things are because you
are a dimwit, and usually things
are your fault...
Jerry pushes Rick away.
JERRY
You know Rick, I'm a good guy. I
take care of your daughter as best
I can, and when you needed a place
to stay, I never objected. All I've
ever asked is that you treat me
with a bit of respect.
As Jerry is delivering this monologue, the backdrop of the
white abyss starts to fade away a little and reveals the
backdrop of Garbage City. Rick notices this and cuts Jerry
off.
RICK
Ah! Jerry, that's it!
JERRY
What's it? Am I getting through to
you yet? Because I feel like if you
just stepped into my shoes for a
day...
The white abyss disappears completely for a second and Rick
and Jerry are in Garbage City, a Bio-Hazard Man runs past
them, but then a second goes by and they return to the abyss.
JERRY (CONT'D)
What in the-
RICK
It's the "a la I Love Lucy"! Like
any great sitcom-based technology,
it won't deactivate until everybody
has learned their lesson. You're
whiney little speech is exactly
what it's looking for. Come on,
Jerry! Keep being a sissy!
JERRY
(pouting) Am not...
Jerry wipes away a tear.
CUT TO:
INT. GARBAGE CITY CITADEL - CONTINUOUS
Morty, Summer and Beth are standing in the middle of a great
17.
senate chamber. A wall of garbage-covered men fill the seats,
all rambling conversations. Mud, who is next to the Smiths,
steps forward.
GARBAGE KING
Mud! Why have you allowed these
creatures to defile our Citadel
with their cleanliness?!
The Garbage King sits in the center of the chamber, he is a
huge monster with a crown. Everything about his body is made
of trash, from spaghetti hair to old newspapers for clothes.
MUD
My liege...These are no mere
creatures. Yes, they are clean, but
they do not despise filth as the
Cleaners do.
This causes the senate floor to erupt in a barrage of shouts
and arguments.
GARBAGE KING
Order! Order! Or I will put you all
by the curb!
The Garbage King bangs his turkey-carcass of a fist on the
throne. The senate floor quiets back down.
GARBAGE KING (CONT'D)
Clean creatures! Approach your king
and speak your names.
Morty steps forward first, with Beth and Summer behind him.
MORTY
My- My name is Morty, sir, and this
is my Mom and Sister.
BETH
(enthusiastic) Greetings, you
asshole!
GARBAGE KING
(outrage) What did you call me?!
Mud slinks up to Beth and whispers:
MUD
I was just kidding about the
asshole thing.
BETH
(feigning sincerity) Thanks a lot.
18.
GARBAGE KING
Tell me, Morty. Why shouldn't I
just wipe you and your whole clean
family out entirely?
MORTY
Because!
Morty has to think for a second, while the Garbage King looks
on in anger. Morty then has an epiphany.
MORTY (CONT'D)
Because, hating someone for being
clean is just as bad as hating
someone for being dirty! You're all
just as bad as the Cleaners, and
we're (to Beth and Summer) just as
bad for not letting Rick be Rick.
On this revelation a slight, faded image of Rick and Jerry
come into view right in front of Morty.
MORTY (CONT'D)
Rick! Rick!
Suddenly the images fade away.
GARBAGE KING
(alarmed) What is this janitorial
sorcery?! They're trying to clean
us all! Destroy them!
On the King's cue, catapults full of stinking garbage are
rolled out onto the walls of the senate chamber as the
senators leave and are replaced by soliders.
GARBAGE KING (CONT'D)
On, my mark! Get set!
Cut to Beth.
BETH
If I hear one more garbage pun...
Cut back to Garbage King.
GARBAGE KING
Litter!
Cut back to Beth who shudders.
MORTY
Guys! Time to run again!
Morty, Beth, and Summer begin to run away from the senate
chamber, out the front doors of the citadel as trash balls
rain down on them from above. Mud does not follow. Morty
19.
stops.
MORTY (CONT'D)
Come on, Mud!
MUD
Sorry Morty, this is one piece of
trash who isn't going to be thrown
away.
Mud runs away in the opposite direction.
BETH
Oh, come on! That wasn't even good.
A large piece of trash from the catapult lands right next to
the Smith family causing a huge crater to form and debris to
fly everywhere. The Smiths begin running again.
CUT TO:
INT. PURGATORY LIKE ABYSS - CONTINUOUS
Rick stands in the white abyss, wand device in hand, it is
beeping like crazy.
RICK
Okay, this is it, Jerry, my man,
get ready to kiss this porcelain
palace good night.
Rick turns a knob on the device and suddenly a gust of wind
begins to swirl. Rick and Jerry have to plant themselves from
blowing away.
RICK (CONT'D)
Crap in a cradle, this isn't
working. We haven't had enough
character growth! Quick Jerry, hit
me with another one of those sappy
monologues!
JERRY
Uh, okay. So um...What was I saying
again?
Jerry beings to sweat profusely, the nerves of the situation
obviously getting to him.
RICK
Oh, goddamit Jerry! you can't even
do Jerry things under pressure?
What's the point of you?
Jerry is still freaking out.
20.
JERRY
Um, okay, so, um...To start out, oh
god-
Jerry bends down and throws up O.S.
RICK
Oy. As always, Rick, this one is up
to you, you good looking bastard.
Rick walks over to Jerry and gives him a helping hand,
standing him up. Jerry is still dazed from the pressure.
RICK (CONT'D)
(clears throat) Jerry. Oh
god...Jerry, in all my travels to
distant planets and unexplored
universes, I can honestly say you
are not the worst guy I've ever
known.
After this line a faint Morty, Beth, and Summer appear,
standing right in the middle of the room, looking terrified,
they start to flicker between being there and not there. Rick
sees this and knows it is working.
RICK (CONT'D)
And I completely understand why
Beth would want to have a
relatively clean house to come home
to instead of dealing with my
messes...
Morty, Beth, and Summer flicker less and become more
substantial at the same time as the white abyss beings to
disappear and is replaced with Garbage City. Rick walks over
to the still flickering Morty
RICK (CONT'D)
And finally...Morty, you aren't
dead to me, buddy. Dealing with
your cowardly, moronic father has
taught me that you are one kickass
sidekick, and...And I wouldn't
trade you for anyone.
With this, the white abyss vanishes and Rick and Jerry join
Morty, Beth and Summer in a valley of Garbage City, apparent
by the heaps of garbage everywhere and small streams of
slime.
MORTY
Rick! Dad! Holy crud, where did you
come from?
21.
BETH
Jerry!
Jerry and Beth hug each other and are then joined by Summer
and Morty.
RICK
Aw yeah! Saved the day. Again.
Swish!
In the distance we hear a booming voice.
GARBAGE KING
Clean beings! Prepare to get
trashed!
RICK
Yeah, alright! Liking this place
already.
A large army of Garbage People appear with the Garbage King
leading them, they have their catapults in tow, all pointed
at the Smith family. They line up on the right side of the
valley.
BETH
It's not the kind of trashed you
want to be Dad, trust me.
In the distance, from the other side of the valley, another
booming voice is heard.
BIO HAZARD LEADER
Dirt suckers, prepare to be
cleansed!
On the left side of the valley a large army of Bio-Hazard Men
appear with their guns all pointed at the Smith family.
MORTY
Rick...Do something.
Rick is hitting the wand device, trying to get it to work.
RICK
I'm trying man, but this thing is
dead, Jerry and I used all the
juice crossing over to your side of
the line.
Cut to the garbage army who is preparing their catapults with
garbage.
GARBAGE COMMANDER
Quickly! There are clean men out
there, gentlemen, ready to fight.
In case we don't make it out, I
(MORE)
GARBAGE COMMANDER (CONT'D)
22.
just want to say...It has been an
honor rolling around in garbage
with you.
GARBAGE PLATOON
( ) in unison
Sir!
Garbage Commander salutes proudly, fighting back a tear.
One of Garbage Men starts to freak out and stands up,
sweating profusely.
GARBAGE MAN
I can't take the puns anymore..I
can't..Not one. More. Pun.
Garbage Man takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head
causing garbage juice to spray on a different Garbage Man.
Everyone in the platoon is quiet for a beat, and then they
all erupt in laughter, pointing at the Garbage Man covered in
juice. He too is laughing a little bit as we see the dead
Garbage Man lying on the ground.
Cut back to the Smith family who is huddled in a circle,
right in the middle of the two warring sides. They all look
panicked.
The two sides commence the battle, with laser beams and
catapult fire destroying both sides. Infantry divisions start
to leave the cliff sides and the two armies meet up in the
middle for hand-to-hand combat. The Smith family is in the
middle of all of this, but is not getting hurt for the most
part. Rick fires an occasional laser at any soldier that gets
to close to their huddle.
BETH
Seriously, Dad, anytime you want to
end this lesson, that would be
great.
RICK
Ah, it's a shame this all didn't
work out, the "a la I Love Lucy"
really went to town for you guys.
If you had the stones to keep going
you would have seen that the
Haz-mat suit guys were really just
the three of you (points to Beth,
Morty and Summer)
A Bio-Hazard Man comes tearing towards the family on a
warpath, Rick shoots him in the gut and he goes down, dead.
Rick kicks the mask off and reveals it to be Summer's face.
The family is all aghast and horrified.
23.
SUMMER
Oh my god!
RICK
Yeah! Imagine that revelation! Whoa
boy, you want to talk about a
lesson you never forget! God I love
*burps* television...
MORTY
Alright! We all get it Rick! The
grass isn't always greener! Just
get us the heck out of here! Now!
RICK
Oh, *shit*!
MORTY
What? What!
Rick shoots his arm down the back side of his pants, and
takes a moment to really dig up his ass to find what he is
looking for.
RICK
Mmm...Mmm..Almost...Ah ha! Quatloo
bay-bay!
Rick pulls, from up his ass, the shimmering Quatloo, in all
it's shiny goodness. The moment this happens Jerry stops
moving and stares at the Quatloo, eyes wide.
RICK (CONT'D)
This bad boy has more than enough
power to get us home.
Suddenly, Jerry pounces on Rick, grabbing his arm and trying
to force the Quatloo from his hand.
JERRY
You told me you didn't have it! You
lied to me! YOU LIED!!
Jerry is hissing and foaming at the mouth, he has gone crazy,
reminiscent of Gollum from LOTR.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Mineeeee!
Jerry grabs the Quatloo from Rick's hand and runs off into
the fighting around them, which has greatly intensified.
RICK
Dammit! He stole the "a la I Love
Lucy" too!
24.
MORTY
Dad! Come back!
Carnage is all around and the fighting is drawing nearer and
nearer to the family, forcing them to back into each other,
closer and closer.
RICK
Well, I guess this is it, family. I
always knew you'd die because of
me, but never in a million years
did I think I'd be the cause of my
own death...
SUMMER
Mom!
The fighting has completely surrounded them, a laser beam
shoots past Beth's head and she ducks suddenly. Bodies are
being strewn just a few feet from them.
MORTY
I guess this is it...I'm sorry I
told you to cram it, Mom...
We can not see the Smith family anymore, the fighting has
consumed them. All is lost, when suddenly a bright, white
light shines through the area enveloping everything until all
that is left is a white screen.
CUT TO:
INT. SMITH FAMILY ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Rick, Morty, Beth and Summer are completely fine, huddled
around each other in the middle of the family room. A couple
of feet next to them is Jerry, the "a la I Love Lucy" in his
hand, proudly holding it in the air. He is squinting his
face, obviously he does not realize whatever he was preparing
for is now over.
MORTY
We're...We're okay.
BETH
Oh my god, Jerry!
Beth rushes to Jerry's side, once she grabs him, he collapses
in her arms. Rick walks over to them and picks up the device
that Jerry drops. He opens up the dial and examines it.
RICK
Fully charged from the Quatloo, you
saved us you *fucking* lunatic.
Jerry, clearly exhausted, shirt ripped, and a little bloody,
25.
looks up at Rick.
JERRY
Guess I'm not the worst guy in the
universe, huh, Rick?
RICK
It sure was.
JERRY
What?
RICK
(same way) It sure was.
JERRY
Oh I get it, no respect. Even after
heroically saving you, Jerry is
still the big dummy.
RICK
(same way) It sure was.
Morty goes over to inspect Rick, who is looking dead ahead
and not moving at all.
RICK (CONT'D)
(same way) It sure was.
On this line, Rick's forehead pops open to reveal some wires
and lights, clearly he is a robot.
From the next room, the real Rick, who has been absent from
the entire episode, comes into the room and non-chalantly
walks over to the malfunctioning robot Rick.
REAL RICK
Oh *shit* there's my Dummy Rick.
The family is all staring bullets at Rick, a mix of confusion
and rage rushes through their faces.
REAL RICK (CONT'D)
What the hell is your problem?
Never seen a man with his
anatomically-correct, robot dummy
before? Yeesh...
Rick slowly carries away the robot Rick, it is heavy so the
entire robot drags on the floor, making a loud screeching
noise. The family is still locked in a stare with Rick. After
a bump in the floor, the robot spits up some black oil and it
falls to the carpet, causing corrosion and damage.
REAL RICK (CONT'D)
Oops, sorry, heh, I'll clean that
up later.
26.
Beth looks devastated. Rick leaves the room with the robot
and the room is left totally silent. The four members of the
family are left looking at each other in their beaten and
battered states.
JERRY
I really hate that guy.
CUT TO: END
CREDITS
27.
28.