INFIDELITY IN THE CYBER HIGHWAY

By

MARIA CRISTINA MARTINS
CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST AND SEXOLOGIST
CAMPINAS SP BRAZIL

In a society we!e te socio"econo#ic a$$ea%s e#$asi&e $%eas'!e as a $!io!ity in te
sea!c (o! $e!sona% satis(action) a%% te #eans tat a!e a*ai%a+%e (o! its acie*e#ent +eco#e
,'sti(ia+%e- Te Inte!net as +eco#e one #o!e *eic%e t!o'. wic $eo$%e) in an
occasiona% o! c'sto#a!y way) #ay en,oy an/ #a0e tei! se1'a% (antasies an/ tei! /esi!es)
#any ti#es 'ncon(essa+%e an/ (!'st!ate/ in tei! se1'a% !e%ationsi$s co#e t!'e- Se1 as a
.'a!antee/ $%ace in tis cy+e! 2Ba+e% Towe!3 tat te Inte!net as +eco#e- 4ito't any
!ea% /an.e! an/ t!eatenin. s'c as te AIDS) an 'n/esi!a+%e $!e.nancy an/ se1'a%%y
t!ans#itte/ /iseases) te (antasy can .!ow win.s an/ (%y to $%aces an/ +o/ies tat we!e at
(i!st on%y $ossi+%e in te (ie%/ o( i#a.ination an/ /esi!e) +'t tat in te *i!t'a% wo!%/ can
+eco#e conc!ete- Men an/ 4o#en) #a!!ie/ o! sin.%e) see0 in te cat !oo#s an/ in ote!
si#'%taneo's co##'nication so(twa!e tat a!e a*ai%a+%e on%ine an/ in !ea% ti#e) so#ewe!e
to acie*e tei! (antasies an/) wy not) to a%so 2*i!t'a%%y +et!ay3-
Anony#o's se1) in wic te i/entity is $!ese!*e/ +y nic0na#es) c!eate/ to ente! *i!t'a%
se1 cat !oo#s- A.e) #a!ita% stat's an/ $ysica% a$$ea!ance /o not #atte! wen te
(antasies an/ te $%eas'!e a!e acco#$%ise/ t!o'. te co#$'te! sc!een- So%ita!y o! not)
te 2cy+e! %o*e!s3 sta!t *i!t'a% se1'a% !e%ationsi$s wit so#e+o/y tey a*e ,'st 2#et3 in a
cat !oo#) an/ #any ti#es tei! !ea% co#$anions /o not s's$ect o( anytin.-
An a!tic%e $'+%ise/ in te we+site 2 Se%("He%$ 5 Psyco%o.yy Ma.a&ine3 ana%yses te
$eno#enon o( *i!t'a% in(i/e%ity as a*in. a/ e$i/e#ic $!o$o!tions- It a%so states tat in
so#e cases tese *i!t'a% a((ai!s esca$e (!o# te co#$'te! sc!een an/ (inis in #ote%
+e/!oo#s- Acco!/in. to te sa#e a!tic%e) te (!ontie!s o( se1'a%ity a*e +eco#e #o!e
con('se/- Te sa#e way as in te $ast) #a.a&ines s'c as P%ay+oy) $o!no *i/eos an/ se1
o*e! te te%e$one 6788 n'#+e!s9) te Inte!net is now +!in.in. new :'estions a+o't te
nat'!e o( inte!$e!sona% !e%ationsi$s) se1'a% !e%ationsi$s an/ in(i/e%ity-
In te (acia% inte!actions) (%i!tin. consists o( occasiona% wo!/s) %oo0s) co#$%i#ents) an/
co!$o!a% .est'!es- Howe*e!) te on%ine inte!actions see# to +e #o!e intense an/ (aste!-
E1$%icit an/ /i!ect co##ents a+o't te se1'a% +ea*io! #ay a!ise a y$e!acti*e sti#'%atin.
e((ect an/ c!oss te +oa!/ tat se$a!ates an innocent (%i!t (!o# +eco#in. an a%#ost
i##e/iate se1'a% inte!action- Te $!o.!ession +etween te (%i!t an/ te se1'a% inte!action
acce%e!ate an/ tose ty$ica% si.ns o( /isa$$!o*a% an/ /isco#(o!t a!e not a*ai%a+%e to
inte!!'$t te st!en.t o( te se1'a% co##ents tat one can s'..est-
Te!e;s a %ot o( st!en.t in te w!itten wo!/ #ain%y wen it in*o%*es se1'a% #atte!s- Peo$%e
wo w!ite #ay c!eate a con(i/ent an/ asse!ti*e o! a sensiti*e an/ !o#antic ca!acte! in te
<
*i!t'a% s$ace) wi%e in !ea% %i(e an/ in !ea% ti#e tey #ay +e insec'!e) sy an/ e*en st'tte!
wen tey ta%0 a+o't te sa#e s'+,ects- Tis (o!# o( co##'nication as ne*e! +een so
a*ai%a+%e (o! e*e!y+o/y on te Inte!net- Te anony#ity (aci%itates a 0in/ o( /a!in. tat (o! a
.!eat #a,o!ity o( $eo$%e wo'%/ +e i#$ossi+%e to c!eate in a #o!e *isi+%e conte1t-
=!'st!ation) ty$ica% o( te !ea% !e%ationsi$s) +eco#es te #in'#'# o! si#$%y /oes not
e1ist in te *i!t'a% wo!%/ an/ tis .'a!antees satis(action an/ te ('%(i%%#ent o( se1'a%
(antasies- Ro'tine) e*e!y/ay %i(e tat #a0e se1 a #ecanica% an/ +o!in. act) (in/s in te
(antasies *i!t'a%%y acco#$%ise/ a new (%a*o!in. an/ e*en #oti*ate con,'.a% !e%ationsi$s
wo!n o't +y ti#e o! +y a+sence an/ se/'ction tecni:'es- Many ti#es tis a$$ens +eca'se
o( te %ac0 o( co##'nication +etween te $a!tne!s an/ te *ision o( se1 as a con,'.a%
o+%i.ation an/ not a%ways as a so'!ce o( $%eas'!e an/ inti#acy (o! te co'$%e-
In te *i!t'a% 2society3) te #at!i#onia% !'%es tat !e.'%ate any 2 !ea%3 #a!!ia.e +eco#e
*a%'e%ess- Mono.a#y %oses its (o!ce in te *i!t'a% wo!%/- E1t!a"con,'.a% a((ai!s tat
/e#an/e/ a .!eat /ea% o( c!eati*ity) s'c as #eetin.s a(te! wo!0) +'siness /inne!s) a*e
now +eco#e #'c #o!e accessi+%e wit ,'st a #o'se c%ic0- 2Co'$%es3 #eet t!o'. te
co#$'te!) in te o((ice ne1t to te !oo# we!e te s$o'se is a*in. a $%easant na$-
Te c!escent tecno%o.ica% $!o.!ess is now a%%owin. $eo$%e to a*e access to a se!ies o(
tin.s tat $!e*io's%y !e:'este/ tei! %ea*in. tei! o'ses to o+tain- Nowa/ays) $'!casin.)
$ayin. +i%%s) st'/yin.) ta%0in. wit $eo$%e) /atin.) a*in. se1) can a%so +e /one t!o'. a
co#$'te!- Tis +ea*io! #any ti#es #ay %ea/ $eo$%e to a #o!e in/i*i/'a%istic an/ %one%y
stan/a!/ o( %i*in.) we!e te 2!ea%3 contact wit ote! $eo$%e #ay +eco#e i#$o*e!ise/-
Te Inte!net as #a/e it $ossi+%e (o! $eo$%e to a*e a #o!e e1citin. an/ #o!e sec'!e way
o( %i*in. tei! (antasies an/ $%eas'!es o't o( tei! !e%ationsi$s #o!e o! %ess satis(acto!y)
wito't te !is0s an/ /ece$tions tat in*o%*e te !ea% contacts> te %o*e t!ian.%e is t!ie/ an/
it is not 2t!'%y3 e1$e!ience/ wit its !ea% i#$%ications- Tis #ay +eco#e !e.!et('% i( $eo$%e
co'%/ not /istin.'is wat te #eanin. o( tis in tei! %i*es !ea%%y is) wic s$ace it
occ'$ies) wat :'estions tis answe!s) wete! to contin'e o! not-
Po!no.!a$y sites a!e a%so $o$'%a! a#on.st te ea!%iest a/o$te!s o( te Inte!net- Te
Nationa% Co'nci% on Se1 A//iction an/ Co#$'%si*ity esti#ates tat ? #i%%ion a#e!icans
a!e a//icte/ to cy+e!se1- Acco!/in. to a !ecent s'!*ey %ea/ +y D!- A% Coo$e!) a%#ost one in
<8 !es$on/ents in/icate/ tey a!e a//icte/ to se1 an/ te Inte!net) a .oo/ in/icato! o(
on%ine se1'a% co#$'%si*ity- As any ote! a//iction) cy+e!se1 co#$'%sion can a*e a
/e*astatin. i#$act on a $e!son;s %i(e) wo!0) !e%ationsi$s an/ !ec!eationa% acti*ities-
2Cy+e!se1 a//icts c!'ise se1 sites (o! << o'!s o! #o!e a wee0) a si.n o( 2/est!'cti*e
+ea*io!3) says D!- Coo$e!-
@i!t'a% se1 as c!eate/ a %ot o( $!o+%e#s an/ as +eco#e a !eason o( $o%e#ic) e#otiona%
$ain an/ #any ti#es a!!i*in. to e1t!e#e sit'ations s'c as /i*o!ces tat %ea/ 's to tin0
a+o't te i#$act tat tis /yna#ics a*e ca'se/ in te #at!i#onia% an/ (a#i%ia! sta+i%ity-
4ARNING SIGNS O= IN=IDELITY ON"LINE
D!- Ai#+e!%y Yo'n. $!o*i/e 's wit so#e wa!nin. si.ns to /ete!#ine i( yo'! $a!tne! is
en.a.e/ in a cy+e!a((ai!>
1) Change of sleeping pattens! Te ceatin. $a!tne! ten/s to stay '$ %ate! an/ o(ten
+e.ins co#in. to +e/ in te ea!%y #o!nin. o'!s o! #ay %ea$ o't o( +e/ an o'! o!
?
two ea!%ie! an/ +o%t to te co#$'te! (o! a $!e"wo!0 e"#ai% e1can.e wit a new
!o#antic $a!tne!-
") A #e$an# fo pi%a&y! 4it a cy+e!a((ai!) te sea!c (o! $!i*acy an/ sec!ecy
s'!!o'n/in. te co#$'te! 'sa.e o(ten #a0es te ceatin. s$o'se t!y to i/e te
t!'t (!o# e!Bis s$o'se- I( /ist'!+e/ o! inte!!'$te/ wen on%ine) te ceatin.
s$o'se #ay !eact wit an.e! o! /e(ensi*eness-
') Ho(sehol# &hoes ignoe#! 4en a s$o'se +e.ins to in*est #o!e ti#e an/ ene!.y
on"%ine an/ (ai%s to 0ee$ '$ is o! e! en/ o( te o'seo%/ +a!.ain) it co'%/ si.na% a
%esse! co##it#ent to te !e%ationsi$ itse%( +eca'se anote! !e%ationsi$ as co#e
+etween te #a!!ia.e-
)) E%i#en&e of lying! Te ceatin. s$o'se #ay i/e c!e/it ca!/ +i%%s (o! on"%ine
se!*ices) te%e$one +i%%s to ca%%s #a/e to a cy+e!%o*e!) an/ %ie a+o't te !eason (o!
s'c e1tensi*e net 'se- Most s$o'ses %ie to $!otect tei! on"%ine a+it) +'t tose
en.a.in. in a cy+e!a((ai! a*e a i.e! sta0e in concea%in. te t!'t) wic o(ten
t!i..e!s +i..e! an/ +o%/e! %ies) inc%'/in. te%%in. yo' tey wi%% :'it-
*) +esonality &hanges! A s$o'se is o(ten s'!$!ise/ an/ con('se/ to see ow #'c
tei! $a!tne!;s #oo/s an/ +ea*io!s can.e/ since te Inte!net en.'%(e/ te#- A
(o!#e!%y ,o*ia% 's+an/ o! wi(e t'!ns :'iet an/ se!io's an/ i( :'estione/ a+o't
tese can.es in connection wit tei! Inte!net a+it) te ceatin. s$o'se !es$on/s
wit eate/ /enia%s) +%a#in. an/ !ationa%i&ation-
,) Loss of inteest in se-! 4en a s$o'se s'//en%y sows a %esse! inte!est in se1) it
#ay +e an in/icato! tat e o! se as (o'n/ anote! se1'a% o't%et- I( se1'a%
!e%ations contin'e at a%%) te ceatin. $a!tne! #ay +e %ess ent'siastic) ene!.etic) an/
!es$onsi*e to yo' an/ yo'! %o*e#a0in.-
.) De&lining in%est$ent in yo( elationship! Tose en.a.e/ in a cy+e!a((ai! no
%on.e! want to $a!tici$ate in te #a!ita% !e%ationsi$) e*en wen tei! +'sy Inte!net
sce/'%e a%%ows- A#on. ote! tin.s) tey /on;t .et e1cite/ a+o't te (a#i%ia!
!it'a%s an/ a*oi/ +'i%/in. inti#acy wit a s$o'se-
As #entione/ a+o*e) te s$o'se en.a.e/ in a cy+e!a((ai! sows si.ni(icant can.es in tei!
a+its an/ te /isco*e!y o( a ceatin. $a!tne! o! a cy+e!se1 a//ict can +e e#otiona%%y
/e*astatin. to te s$o'se an/ te (a#i%y>
Te e#otiona% $ain /esc!i+e/ +y so#e $a!tne!s is %i0e%y te sa#e as o( a !ea%
a((ai!- Tey (ee% an.!y) %one%y) i.no!e/) 'ni#$o!tant) /ist!'st('% an/
+et!aye/-
Te a//ict +%a#e/ te $a!tne! (o! a%% tei! se1'a% $!o+%e#s an/ #a/e
e1c'ses to a*oi/ se1 wit te $a!tne!-
-
Tey a%so !e$o!t (ee%in.s o( sa#e) e#+a!!ass#ent) %owe! se%("estee# an/
/e$!ession-
Ci%/!en a!e ne.%ecte/ an/ o(ten i.no!e/ +eca'se o( te ti#e te $a!ent
s$en/s wit te co#$'te!-
COPING 4ITH IN=IDELITY ON"LINE AND CYBERADDICTION
C
I( te in(i/e%ity on"%ine o! te cy+e!a//iction $!o+%e# is a%!ea/y $!esent) te!e a!e so#e
(i!st $!actica% ste$s yo' o! yo'! %o*e/ one so'%/ consi/e!>
Ta%0in. to yo'! $a!tne! o! s$o'se a+o't wat is not +ein. ('%(i%%in. in te
c'!!ent !e%ationsi$ wo'%/ +e a (i!st ste$ to (in/ o't wat #ay +e ca'sin. te
sea!c (o! e#otiona% an/ se1'a% sti#'%i o'tsi/e te !e%ationsi$-
To !eco.ni&e tat a $!o+%e# e1ists) +!ea0in. te /enia% an/ to +eco#e awa!e
o( te i#$act o( te $!o+%e# on te $a!tne! an/ (a#i%y-
To sto$ +%a#in. yo'! $a!tne! an/ te %yin.s !e%ate/ to te $!o+%e#-
To /e*e%o$ st!ate.ies (o! /ea%in. wit se1'a% '!.es-
To 2+!ea0 o((3 contact wit te cy+e! %o*e! as yo' wo'%/ /o in 2 !ea%3 %i(e
an/ to in*est an/ +e #o!e $a!tici$atin. in yo'! !ea% !e%ationsi$-
Gettin. s'$$o!t o( <?"ste$ $!o.!a#s s'c as Se1 A//icts Anony#o's
6SAA9) Se1ao%ics Anony#o's 6SA9) o! Se1 an/ Lo*e A//icts Anony#o's
6SLAA9 a!e *e!y e%$('% as wit any ote! a//iction-
Co#$'te! st!ate.ies inc%'/e>
Mo*in. te co#$'te! to an o$en a!ea-
Dsin. te co#$'te! on%y (o! s$eci(ic) $%anne/ tas0s-
Bein. on%ine on%y wen (a#i%y #e#+e!s a!e a!o'n/-
A//in. net sa(ety too%s an/ sc!eens-
Ten) i( yo' sti%% tin0 yo' #ay +e on te !oa/ to se%("/est!'ction) see0 (o! a te!a$ist
s$ecia%i&e/ in tese iss'es- It;s ne*e! too %ate to !eco*e! an/ a*e yo'! %i(e +ac0
RE=ERENCES>
BARNES) Ma!c- 2Cy+e!"A/'%te!y> Dna$$y S$o'ses cat on Inte!net3
DRL> tt$BB (ayette*i%%enc-co#B(otoBnewsBcontentB<77EBt17Ea'.Bn87net-t# o( <777-
COOPER) AL- 2 Cy+e! a//iction wi/es$!ea/3- Inte!*iew $'+%ise/ in te MSNBC site +y
Ca!%ene Laino-
DRL>tt$>BB www-#sn+c-co#BnewsBF7GCFF-as$
GRASSI) Ma!ia @i!.inia C!e#asco- 2Se1o @i!t'a%3- Inte!*iew $'+%ise/ in te site o( te
news$a$e! 2Co!!eio Po$'%a!3) Ca#$inas) SP) B!asi%) +y Hanete T!e*isani-
DRL> tt$BB www-cos#o-co#-+!Bse!*iIosBa%te!nati*oBent!e*88J-t# o( 8GB8CB<777-
GREEN=IELD) Da*i/ et COOPER)A%- 2C!ossin. te Line On"Line3-
DRL> tt$BBwww-s$#-co#Ba!tic%esBcy+e!K!o#anceBse1c!oss-t#% o( <8B?FB<777-
J
MARTINS) Ma!ia C!istina- 2@i!t'a% Se1%3- A Mono.!a$ o( te S$ecia%i&ation Co'!se on
H'#an Se1'a%ity) Dnica#$) Ca#$inas) B!asi%) <777-
YODNG) Ai#+e!%y S- 2 Te 4a!nin. Si.ns o( a Cy+e!a((ai!3-
DRL> tt$>BB www-neta//iction-co#Bcy+e!wi/owsBcy+e!a((ai!s-t# o( 8LB87B?88<-
SCHNEIDER) H-P- 2 E((ects o( Cy+e!se1 A//iction on te =a#i%y3) in 2 Te Da!0 Si/e o(
te =o!ce3> A S$ecia% Iss'e o( te Ho'!na% A//iction 5 Co#$'%sity 6?8889- E/-A% Coo$e!)
?M C<" FL-
Contact>
Ma!ia C!istina Ma!tins) License/ Psyco%o.ist an/ S$ecia%ist in H'#an Se1'a%ity-
Ca#$inas " SP" B!a&i%-
E"#ai%> #ac!issN.%o+o-co#

F