GRACE AND

GRIT
Spirituality and
Healing
in the Life and
Death of
Treya Killam
Wilber
Ken Wilber
SECOND EDITION
SHAMBHALA
Boston 2000
Introduction to the Second Edition.......................................................4
A Note to the Reader............................................................................11
1
A Few Embraces, a Few Dreams.........................................................13
2
Beond !hsics.....................................................................................3"
3
#ondemned to $eanin%.......................................................................&&
4
A 'uestion o( Ba)ance..........................................................................*&
&
A +ni,erse -ithin..............................................................................1"1
.
Bodmind Dro//ed0...........................................................................121
*
1$ 2i(e 3ad 4wisted Sudden)1....................................................135
5
-ho Am I6.........................................................................................1."
7
Narcissus, or the Se)(8#ontraction....................................................15"
1"
A 4ime to 3ea)...................................................................................2"3
11
!schothera/ and S/iritua)it.........................................................224
12
In a Di((erent 9oice............................................................................2."
13
Estre))a................................................................................................255
14
-hat :ind o( 3e)/ Rea)) 3e)/s6.....................................................313
1&
4he New A%e.......................................................................................32.
1.
But 2isten to 4hose Birds Sin%0........................................................347
1*
1S/rin% Is Now $ Fa,orite Season1..............................................3*3
15
But Not a Dead ;ne0..........................................................................377
17
!assionate E<uanimit.......................................................................42.
2"
A Su//ort !erson...............................................................................4&2
21
=race and =rit...................................................................................4*.
22
For a Radiant Star.............................................................................&"2
Se)ected Readin%s...............................................................................&22
To Sue and Radcliffe Killam,
on the occasion of Rad's eightieth birthday;
To ic!y, Linda, Roger, "rances, Sam, Seymour, Warren,
and
Kati, for being there through thic! and thin;
To Da#id and $ary Lamar, for carrying on;
To Tracy and $ichael, for putting up %ith me;
To &ahirudeen and 'rad, for holding do%n the home fort;
To the %omen and men of the (ancer Support
(ommunity,
Treya and ic!y's child;
To Ken and Lucy, for understanding our absence;
To )dith &undel, our mother a%ay from home;
*nd in memory of Rolf &undel and 'ob Doty,
t%o of the most decent men %e had e#er !no%n,
casualties in this gruesome %ar
Introduction to the Second Edition
AS I WRITE THIS, it has been ten years since Treyas
!eath" I a# i##eas$rab%y #ore, an! i##eas$rab%y %ess,
beca$se o& her 'resence" I##eas$rab%y #ore, &or ha(in)
*no+n her, i##eas$rab%y %ess, &or ha(in) %ost her" B$t then,
'erha's e(ery e(ent in %i&e is %i*e that- &i%%in) yo$ $' an!
e#'tyin) yo$ o$t, a%% at the sa#e ti#e" It is .$st that, it is
oh/so/rare that s$ch a one as Treya is +ith $s, an! th$s the
.oy, an! the 'ain, are a%% so intense%y a#'%i&ie!"
There are as #any Treyas as there are those +ho *ne+
her" What &o%%o+s is #y Treya" I a# not sayin) it is the on%y
Treya, or e(en the best" B$t I !o be%ie(e it is a &$%% acco$nt,
&air an! ba%ance!" In 'artic$%ar, it #a*es %ibera% $se o& her
o+n .o$rna%s, +hich she *e't o&& an! on &or #ost o& her
a!$%t %i&e, an! +hich she *e't a%#ost !ai%y !$rin) the years
+e +ere to)ether"
I ha! a%+ays inten!e! to !estroy these .o$rna%s a&ter
Treya !ie!, an! +itho$t rea!in) the# #yse%&, beca$se they
+ere so intense%y 'ersona% &or her" She ne(er sho+e! the#
to anybo!y, not e(en #e" Not beca$se she +as rec%$si(e or
'ri(ate abo$t her 0rea% &ee%in)s0 an! th$s ha! to 0hi!e0
the# in her .o$rna%s" On the contrary, one o& the #ost
e1traor!inary thin)s abo$t Treya 2 in &act, I #i)ht say the
sin)%e #ost astonishin) thin) abo$t her 2 is that she ha!
a%#ost no s'%it bet+een her '$b%ic an! her 'ri(ate se%(es"
She harbore! no 0secret0 tho$)hts that she +as a&rai! or
asha#e! to share +ith the +or%!" I& yo$ as*e!, she +o$%!
te%% yo$ e1act%y +hat she tho$)ht 2 abo$t yo$ or anybo!y
e%se 2 b$t in s$ch a non!e&ensi(e, !irect, strai)ht&or+ar!
+ay that 'eo'%e rare%y )ot $'set" This +as the basis o& her
enor#o$s inte)rity- 'eo'%e tr$ste! her ri)ht &ro# the start,
beca$se they see#e! to *no+ that she +o$%! ne(er %ie to
the#, an! as &ar as I can te%%, she ne(er !i!" No, I ha!
inten!e! to !estroy the .o$rna%s si#'%y beca$se +hen she
+rote in the#, it +as a s'ecia% ti#e &or her to be a%one +ith
herse%&, an! &e%t that nobo!y, inc%$!in) #e, sho$%! (io%ate
that s'ace" B$t ri)ht be&ore her !eath, she 'ointe! to her
.o$rna%s an! sai!, 03o$%% nee! those"0 She ha! as*e! #e to
+rite abo$t o$r or!ea%, an! she *ne+ that I +o$%! nee! her
.o$rna%s in or!er to con(ey her o+n tho$)hts"
In +ritin) +race and +rit, I rea! thro$)h a%% o& the
.o$rna%s 4aro$n! ten %ar)e noteboo*s, an! #any co#'$ter
&i%es5, an! +as ab%e to &in! e1cer'ts on (irt$a%%y e(ery to'ic
co(ere! in the &o%%o+in) 'a)es, th$s %ettin) Treya s'ea* &or
herse%&, in her o+n +or!s, in her o+n +ay" As I rea! those
.o$rna%s, it +as e1act%y as I ha! s$s'ecte!- there +ere no
secrets, no ite#s that she ha! not )enera%%y share! +ith #e
or +ith her &a#i%y an! &rien!s" Treya si#'%y ha! no s'%it
bet+een her '$b%ic an! 'ri(ate se%(es" I thin* that +as
e1act%y 'art o& her enor#o$s inte)rity, an! I thin* that +as
!irect%y re%ate! to +hat can on%y be ca%%e! her &ear%essness"
There +as a stren)th in Treya that +as abso%$te%y &ear%ess,
an! I !o not say that %i)ht%y" Treya ha! %itt%e &ear beca$se
she ha! %itt%e to hi!e, &ro# yo$ or #e or 6o! or anybo!y"
She +as trans'arent to rea%ity, to the Di(ine, to the +or%!,
an! th$s ha! nothin) to &ear &ro# it" I sa+ her in #$ch 'ain,
I sa+ her in #$ch a)ony, I sa+ her in #$ch an)er" I ne(er
sa+ her in &ear"
Its not har! to $n!erstan! +hy 'eo'%e &e%t a%i(e in her
'resence, (i(i&ie!, a+a*ene!" E(en +hen +e +ere in
(ario$s hos'ita%s, +ith Treya $n!er)oin) one )r$eso#e
in!i)nity or another, 'eo'%e 4n$rses, (isitors, other 'atients,
their (isitors5 $se! to han) o$t in her roo#, .$st to be
aro$n! the 'resence, the %i&e, the ener)y, that she see#e!
to ra!iate" In a hos'ita% in Bonn, 6er#any, I re#e#ber
%aiting in line to )et into her roo#"
She co$%! be obstinate, stron) 'eo'%e o&ten are" B$t it
ca#e o$t o& that core o& (i(i! 'resence an! +a*e&$%ness,
an! it +as bracin)" 7eo'%e o&ten ca#e a+ay &ro# Treya
#ore a%i(e, #ore o'en, #ore !irect" Her 'resence chan)e!
yo$, so#eti#es a %itt%e, so#eti#es a %ot, b$t it chan)e!
yo$" It !re+ yo$ into bein) 'resent to the 7resent, it
re#in!e! yo$ to +a*e $'"
One other thin)- Treya +as re#ar*ab%y bea$ti&$%, an!
yet 4as yo$ +i%% see in the &o%%o+in) 'a)es5, she ha! a%#ost
no (anity, +hich +as a#a8in)" As #$ch as anybo!y I ha(e
e(er *no+n, inc%$!in) so#e (ery en%i)htene! teachers, she
+as $nse%&conscio$s%y herse%&, .$st so" She +as si#'%y an!
!irect%y 'resent, a%% o& her" The &act that she ha! %itt%e se%&/
conscio$sness #a!e her e(en #ore right here" Aro$n!
Treya, the +or%! beca#e i##e!iate an! &oc$se!, c%ear an!
in(itin), bri)ht an! honest, o'en an! a%i(e"
+race and +rit is her story, an! o$r story" Many 'eo'%e
as*e! #e, since I +as so care&$% to inc%$!e Treyas o+n
+ritin) an! her o+n (oice in the &o%%o+in) 'a)es, +hy I
!i!nt %ist her as coa$thor o& the boo*" I tho$)ht abo$t !oin)
so &ro# the be)innin), b$t con(ersations +ith e!itor an!
'$b%isher #a!e it increasin)%y c%ear that to !o so +as
#is%ea!in) 4as one e!itor '$t it, 0A coa$thor is so#eone
+ho acti(e%y +rites a boo* +ith another 'erson" This is
!i&&erent &ro# ta*in) so#eone e%ses +ritin)s an! +ea(in)
the# into a boo*05" So I ho'e that those rea!ers +ho &e%t
that I +as not ac*no+%e!)in) Treyas contrib$tion +i%%
rea%i8e that s$ch +as certain%y not #y intent, an! that
Treyas rea% (oice has been inc%$!e! on a%#ost e(ery 'a)e,
by %ettin) her s'ea* &or herse%&"
At one 'oint in Treyas .o$rna%s she +rote, 0Ha! %$nch
+ith E#i%y Hi%b$rn Se%%, the e!itor at Sha#bha%a" I %i*e her a
%ot, tr$st her .$!)#ent" I to%! her abo$t the boo* I +as
+or*in) on 2 cancer, 'sychothera'y, s'irit$a%ity 2 an! as*e!
her i& she +o$%! e!it &or #e" I! %o(e to, she sai!, +hich
#a*es #e e(en #ore !eter#ine! to see this 'ro.ect
thro$)h90 Treya !i! not ha(e ti#e to co#'%ete her boo* 2
+hich is +hy she as*e! #e to +rite this one 2 b$t I a# )%a!
to re'ort that E#i%y +as the e!itor o& +race and +rit, an!
!i! a +on!er&$% .ob"
A &e+ #inor 'oints" Most 'eo'%e rea! this boo*, not &or
technica% in&or#ation abo$t #y +or*, b$t &or Treyas story"
As I in!icate in the Note to the Rea!er, cha'ter :: is
'artic$%ar%y technica%, an! it !e&inite%y can be s*i''e!
+itho$t #issin) a thin)9 4Act$a%%y, i& yo$ are s*i''in) that
cha'ter, .$st rea! the &e+ 'ara)ra'hs in bet+een the
inter(ie+ #ateria%, since it has so#e i#'ortant story
e%e#ents, b$t other+ise, s*i' a+ay" Rea!ers intereste! in a
#ore $'/to/!ate (ersion o& #y o+n +or* #i)ht +ish to
cons$%t ,ntegral -sychology"5
In this 'resent boo*, a%% o& Treyas .o$rna% entries are
#ar*e! by a (ertica% so%i! %ine !o+n the %e&t/han! #ar)in"
These are !i&&erent &ro#, say, so#e o& her %etters, +hich
ha(e no so%i! %ines" Her %etters, e(en i& they +ere #ost%y
'ri(ate, +ere sti%% o'en to other 'eo'%e 4na#e%y, those to
+ho# she sent the#5" B$t e(ery entry #ar*e! by a so%i!
(ertica% %ine is &ro# her .o$rna%s, an! th$s an entry
're(io$s%y not a(ai%ab%e"
The rece'tion to +race and +rit +as o(er+he%#in), an!
it +asnt #e the rea!ers +ere res'on!in) to" To !ate, I
ha(e recei(e! c%ose to a tho$san! %etters &ro# 'eo'%e a%%
o(er the +or%! 2 an $n'rece!ente! 'ercenta)e +rite to te%%
#e +hat Treyas story has #eant to the#, an! ho+ it has
chan)e! their %i(es" So#e ha(e sent 'ict$res o& their baby
!a$)hters na#e! 0Treya,0 an! I can te%% yo$, as a '$re%y
ob.ecti(e bystan!er, that they are the #ost bea$ti&$% %itt%e
)ir%s in the +or%!" So#e o& the 'eo'%e +ho +rite ha(e
cancer, an! they +ere initia%%y a&rai! to rea! the boo*, b$t
once they !i!, they ten!e! to %ose their &ear, so#eti#es
a%#ost co#'%ete%y 2 a )i&t &ro# Treya to the#, I honest%y
be%ie(e"
Dear ;en,
Last A$)$st I +as !ia)nose! +ith breast cancer" I ha!
se)#enta% s$r)ery, %y#'h no!e !issection an! a three/
+ee* treat#ent" I a# in constant re%ationshi' +ith
cancer on a%% %e(e%s" Se(era% +ee*s a)o a &rien! to%! #e
o& yo$r boo* an! I *ne+ I ha! to rea! it" It +as a scary
tho$)ht beca$se, a&ter a%%, I *ne+ the en!in)"
0B$t,0 I tho$)ht, 0she ha! so#e other *in! o& #ore
serio$s cancer"0 Ho+s that &or !enia%< The &act is, I ha(e
the sa#e *in! o& terrib%e cancer Treya ha!" The tr$th is
this boo* has been at #o#ents terrifying, b$t tota%%y
freeing" " " "
=reein), beca$se Treya !escribes, a%#ost ste' by ste',
the +ay in +hich she #o(e! thro$)h the 'ain an! a)ony o&
cancer an! into a s'irit$a% &ree!o# an! %iberation that
o$tshines !eath an! its inherent terror" As one o& #y
&a(orite %etters sai! 4an! this is the entire %etter5-
Dear ;en Wi%ber,
I a# &o$rteen years o%!" Since I +as a %itt%e )ir% I ha(e
been (ery a&rai! o& !yin)" I rea! Treyas story, an! e(er
since, I ha(e not been a&rai! to !ie" I +ante! to te%% yo$
this"
Or another-
Dear ;en,
Last year I +as !ia)nose! +ith a!(ance! #etastatic
breast cancer" A &rien! o& #ine sai! I ha! to rea! this
boo*, +race and +rit, b$t +hen I as*e! ho+ it en!e!, he
sai!, 0She !ie!"0 I +as a&rai! o& the boo* &or a %on) ti#e"
B$t ha(in) &inishe! it, I +ante! to than* yo$ an!
Treya &ro# the botto# o& #y heart" I *no+ I #i)ht !ie,
too, b$t so#eho+ &o%%o+in) Treyas story has #a!e #e
$na&rai!" I &ee% &ree o& &ear, &or the &irst ti#e""" "
Most o& the 'eo'%e +ho +rite !o not ha(e cancer" It is
si#'%y that Treyas story is e(ery'ersons story" It #i)ht
see# that Treya 0ha! it a%%0- inte%%i)ence, bea$ty, char#,
inte)rity, a ha''y #arria)e, a +on!er&$% &a#i%y" B$t, %i*e a%%
o& $s, Treya ha! her o+n !o$bts, insec$rities, se%&/
criticis#s, an! !ee'%y $nsett%in) iss$es abo$t her o+n
+orth an! her o+n '$r'ose in %i&e " " " not to #ention a
br$ta% batt%e +ith a %etha% !isease" B$t Treya &o$)ht the
)oo! &i)ht +ith a%% o& those sha!o+s " " " an! she +on, by
any !e&inition o& the +or! 0+in"0 Treyas story s'ea*s to a%%
o& $s beca$se she #et those ni)ht#ares hea! on, +ith
co$ra)e an! !i)nity an! )race"
An! she %e&t $s her .o$rna%s, +hich te%% $s e1act%y ho+
she !i! it" Ho+ she bro$)ht #e!itati(e a+areness to bear
on 'ain an! th$s !issi'ate! its ho%! on her" Ho+, instea! o&
c%osin) !o+n an! beco#in) bitter an! an)ry, she )reete!
the +r%! +ith %o(e in her heart" Ho+ she #et cancer +ith
0'assionate e>$ani#ity"0 Ho+ she ri! herse%& o& se%&/'ity
an! chose .oyo$s%y to carry on" Ho+ she +as &ear%ess, not
beca$se she %ac*e! &ear, b$t beca$se she i##e!iate%y
e#brace! it, e(en +hen it beca#e ob(io$s that she +o$%!
soon !ie- 0I +i%% brin) the &ear into #y heart" To #eet the
'ain an! the &ear +ith o'enness, to e#brace it, to a%%o+ it"
Rea%i8in) that brin)s +on!er#ent at %i&e" It )%a!!ens #y
heart an! no$rishes #y so$%" I &ee% s$ch .oy" I# not tryin)
to beat #y sic*ness, I# a%%o+in) #yse%& into it, &or)i(in)
it" I +i%% )o on, not +ith an)er an! bitterness, b$t +ith
!eter#ination an! .oy"0
An! she !i! so, )reetin) both %i&e an! !eath +ith a
!eter#ination an! .oy that o$t'ace! their te!io$s terrors" I&
Treya can !o it, +e can !o it- that is the #essa)e o& this
boo*, an! that is +hat 'eo'%e +rite to te%% #e abo$t" Ho+
her story #o(e! the# to re#e#ber +hat rea%%y #atters"
Ho+ her atte#'t to ba%ance in herse%& the #asc$%ine?!oin)
an! the &e#inine?bein) s'o*e !irect%y to their o+n !ee'est
concerns in to!ays +or%!" Ho+ her re#ar*ab%e co$ra)e
ins'ire! the# 2 #a%e an! &e#a%e a%i*e 2 to carry on +ith
their o+n $nbearab%e s$&&erin)" Ho+ her e1a#'%e he%'e!
)et the# thro$)h the !ar* ho$rs o& their o+n ni)ht#ares"
Ho+ 0'assionate e>$ani#ity0 insta%%e! the# !irect%y in their
o+n tr$e Se%&" An! +hy a%% o& the# $n!erstoo! that, on the
(ery !ee'est %e(e%, this is a boo* +ith a 'ro&o$n!%y ha''y
en!in)"
4Many o& those +ritin) #e are a%so s$''ort 'eo'%e, those
+ho s$&&er !o$b%y- ha(in) to +atch the %o(e! one s$&&er,
an! not bein) a%%o+e! to ha(e any 'rob%e#s o& their o+n"
+race and +rit s'ea*s &or the# as +e%%, I ho'e" Those +ho
+o$%! %i*e to see so#e o& the #ai% res'onse to +race and
+rit #i)ht +ish to chec* .ne Taste, March @ entry"5
As o& this +ritin), Treyas &a#i%y 2 Ra! an! S$e, ;ati,
Da(i!, Traci an! Michae% 2 are a%% sti%% a%i(e an! !oin) (ery
+e%%" Treya o&ten sai! she co$%! not i#a)ine ha(in) a better
&a#i%y, an! to this !ay I a)ree +ith her"
The Cancer S$''ort Co##$nity, &o$n!e! by Treya an!
Aic*y We%%s, is an a+ar!/+innin) instit$tion sti%% )oin)
stron)" I& yo$ +o$%! %i*e to o&&er !onations, or i& yo$ nee! its
ser(ices, yo$ can %ocate it by ca%%in) San =rancisco
in&or#ation"
Treya an! I +ere to)ether &or &i(e years" Those years
ha(e been etche! into #y so$%" I rea%%y !o be%ie(e that I
ha(e *e't #y 'ro#ise, an! I rea%%y !o be%ie(e it is !$e to
her )race" An! I rea%%y !o be%ie(e that any one o& $s can
#eet Treya a)ain, any ti#e +e +ish to !o so, by actin) +ith
honesty, inte)rity, an! &ear%essness 2 &or there %ies the heart
an! so$% o& Treya"
I& Treya can !o it, +e can !o it" That is the #essa)e o&
+race and +rit"
A Note to the Reader
WHEN TRE3A AND I &irst #et, +e ha! the stran)est
&ee%in) that +e ha! been %oo*in) &or each other &or
%i&eti#es, b$t I !ont *no+ i& that is %itera%%y tr$e" B$t I !o
*no+ that then co##ence! one o& the #ost e1traor!inary
stories I #yse%& ha(e e(er hear!" An $nbe%ie(ab%e story, in
#any +ays, an! there&ore I can ass$re yo$, a tr$e story"
This boo* is t+o thin)s- One, it is that story" B$t t+o, it is
an intro!$ction to the 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy, or the +or%!s
)reat +is!o# tra!itions" Beca$se, in the &ina% ana%ysis, the
t+o are inse'arab%e"
Treya ha! &i(e #ain 'assions, I +o$%! say- nat$re an!
the en(iron#ent 4&ro# conser(ation to recreation5, cra&ts
an! arts, s'irit$a%ity an! #e!itation, 'sycho%o)y an!
'sychothera'y, an! ser(ice or)ani8ations" Nat$re, cra&ts,
an! ser(ice or)ani8ations are &air%y se%&/e1'%anatory" B$t
+hat Treya #eant by 0s'irit$a%ity0 +as conte#'%ati(e or
#e!itati(e s'irit$a%ity, +hich is another +ay o& sayin) the
'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy" Treya !i!nt ta%* #$ch abo$t her
#ystica% s'irit$a%ity, +hich %e! #any 'eo'%e, e(en so#e
(ery c%ose to her, to conc%$!e it +as 'eri'hera% to her
concerns" Treya herse%& !escribe! it as the 0)$i!in) sy#bo%
o& #y %i&e"0 It is, in other +or!s, abso%$te%y centra% to this
story"
As it t$rne! o$t, this interest in 'sycho%o)y an! re%i)ion
+as a%so one I !ee'%y share!, an!, in!ee!, I ha! +ritten
se(era% boo*s on e1act%y that to'ic" An! so +o(en into the
&o%%o+in) narrati(e are e1'%anations o& the )reat +is!o#
tra!itions 4&ro# Christianity to Hin!$is# to B$!!his#5, the
nat$re o& #e!itation, the re%ation o& 'sychothera'y to
s'irit$a%ity, an! the nat$re o& hea%th an! hea%in)" In!ee!,
the main purpose o& this boo* is to 'ro(i!e an accessib%e
intro!$ction to .$st those to'ics"
Nonethe%ess, i& yo$ hit one o& these e1'%anatory sections
2 +hich occ$'y abo$t one/thir! o& the boo*, an! +hich are
(ery ob(io$s 2 an! a%% yo$ are intereste! in at the #o#ent
is &o%%o+in) Treyas story, &ee% &ree to &ast/&or+ar! thro$)h
these sections an! 'ic* $' the story a)ain" 4Cha'ter :: is
'artic$%ar%y technica%"5 I& yo$ +ish to co#e bac* %ater, yo$
can 'er$se these sections at %eis$re"
I &irst #et Treya in the s$##er o& BC, at a &rien!s
ho$se, on a bree8y ni)ht, on the e!)e o& the San =rancisco
Bay" " " "
1
A Few Embraces, a Few Dreams
LOAE AT =IRST TODCH, she a%+ays ca%%e! it"
It too* #e thirty/si1 years to connect +ith 0the #an o&
#y !rea#s"0 Or as c%ose as one )ets these !ays to that
i!ea%, +hich in #y case is 'retty !a#n c%ose" Once I )ot
$se! to his sha(e! hea!, that is" "" "
When I +as )ro+in) $' in so$th Te1as, in the !ays
+hen )ir%s !rea#t o& s$ch thin)s, I ne(er i#a)ine! I!
#arry a si1/&oot/&o$r 'hi%oso'her/'sycho%o)ist/
transcen!enta%ist +ho %oo*s %i*e he ca#e &ro# so#e
&ara+ay '%anet" Dni>$e 'ac*a)in) an! a $ni>$e
co#bination o& traits" What a s+eetheart9 An! bri%%iant
too" In a%% #y 'ast e1'erience +ith #en, the s+eet ones
+erent bri%%iant an! the bri%%iant ones +ere !e&inite%y not
s+eet" I a%+ays +ante! both"
;en an! I #et on A$)$st C, :EBC" Within t+o +ee*s o&
that &irst #eetin) +e ha! !eci!e! to )et #arrie!" 3es, it
+as &ast" B$t so#eho+ +e both see#e! to *no+, a%#ost
ri)ht a+ay" A&ter a%%, I! been !atin) &or years an! ha! a
n$#ber o& (ery satis&yin) re%ationshi's, b$t 2 I# thirty/
si1 years o%!, an! I ha! ne(er be&ore #et anyone I ha!
e(en tho$)ht abo$t #arryin)9 I! +on!ere! i& I +as
a&rai!, or too #$ch a 'er&ectionist, or too #$ch an
i!ea%ist, or si#'%y ho'e%ess%y ne$rotic" A&ter +on!erin)
4an! +orryin)5 abo$t #yse%& &or a +hi%e, I! sett%e bac*
co#&ortab%y into acce'tin) #y sit$ation, $nti% so#e
e(ent +o$%! brin) on the se%&/>$estionin) a)ain, $s$a%%y
so#e e(ent that #a!e #e !o$bt #y 0nor#a%ity"0 Other
'eo'%e &a%%in) in %o(e, )ettin) #arrie!, bein) in
re%ationshi's" " " "
I s$''ose a 'art o& each o& $s +ants to be 0nor#a%0 so
+e can be acce'te!" I *no+ as a chi%! I ne(er +ante! to
attract attention &or bein) !i&&erent, an! yet I +o$n! $'
%i(in) a %i&e that co$%! scarce%y be ca%%e! nor#a%" A
nor#a% e!$cation at one o& the se(en sisters co%%e)es, a
year o& teachin), a nor#a% M"A" in En)%ish %iterat$re, b$t
then a s$!!en (eerin) a+ay &ro# that 'ath +ith a
'assion &or en(iron#enta% ca$ses that %e! #e to the
#o$ntains o& Co%ora!o" En(iron#enta% +or*, s*iin),
assorte! o!! .obs, teachin) s*iin)" Then another
$ne1'ecte!, s$!!en chan)e in !irection" Born o$t o& a
!ee' %on)in) &or so#ethin) I +as at a %oss to !escribe, a
bicyc%e tri' to Scot%an! too* #e thro$)h =in!horn, a
s'irit$a% co##$nity east o& In(erness" There I &o$n! an
ans+er, or 'art o& an ans+er, to that %on)in), an! there I
%i(e! &or three years" I %earne! to reco)ni8e that %on)in)
as a s'irit$a% %on)in), an! there I %earne! (ario$s +ays to
be)in to honor that nee!" That insistent ca%% &ro# +ithin"
I %e&t on%y beca$se &rien!s ca%%e! on #e to he%' start
another $ncon(entiona% center FWin!starG, in Co%ora!o
o$tsi!e o& As'en, +here I ho'e! #y s'irit$a% an!
en(iron#enta% concerns co$%! intert+ine" =ro# there on
to )ra!$ate schoo%, b$t a)ain an $ncon(entiona% one
stressin) inter!isci'%inary East?West an! transcen!enta%
'hi%oso'hy an! 'sycho%o)y Fthe Ca%i&ornia Instit$te o&
Inte)ra% St$!iesG"
It +as there I &irst rea! the +or*s o& one ;en Wi%ber,
consi!ere! by #any, I hear!, as the %ea!in) theorist in
the ne+ &ie%! o& trans'ersona% 'sycho%o)y 4a 'sycho%o)y
that !ea%s +ith a%% the thin)s ortho!o1 'sycho%o)y !ea%s
+ith, b$t a%so st$!ies the 'sycho%o)y o& s'irit$a%
e1'erience5" He +as a%rea!y bein) ca%%e! 0the %on)/
so$)ht Einstein o& conscio$sness research0 an! 0a
)eni$s o& o$r ti#es"0 I %o(e! his boo*s 2 they i%%$#inate!
#any thorny iss$es I! str$))%e! +ith, i%%$#inate! the#
+ith a c%arity I &o$n! re&reshin) an! ins'irin)" I
re#e#ber %i*in) the 'ict$re on the bac* o& one, A
Sociab%e 6o!" It sho+e! an e%e)ant/%oo*in), sha(e!/
hea!e! #an +ith )%asses accentin) an intense,
concentrate! %oo*, the bac*)ro$n! a so%i! +a%% o& boo*s"
In the s$##er o& BC I +ent to the Ann$a%
Trans'ersona% 7sycho%o)y Con&erence an! hear! that the
&a#o$s ;en Wi%ber +as there, b$t +o$%! not be
s'ea*in)" I sa+ hi# &ro# a !istance a &e+ ti#es 2 har!to
#iss at si1/&oot/&o$r an! ba%! 2 s$rro$n!e! by a!#irers
an! once s'ra+%e! by hi#se%& on a co$ch, %oo*in) %one%y"
I !i!nt thin* #$ch o& this $nti% so#e +ee*s %ater +hen a
&rien!, =rances Aa$)han, +ho! been +ith #y tra(e%
)ro$' in In!ia, ca%%e! to in(ite #e to !inner +ith ;en"
I co$%!nt be%ie(e that =rances an! Ro)er ha! &ina%%y
a)ree! on so#ebo!y" Terry ;i%%a#" Aery bea$ti&$%,
e1tre#e%y inte%%i)ent, )reat sense o& h$#or, )or)eo$s bo!y,
&e%%o+ #e!itator, enor#o$s%y 'o'$%ar" This +as a%% so$n!in)
a %itt%e too )oo! to be tr$e" I& shes so )reat, +hy +asnt she
+ith so#ebo!y< I +as s*e'tica% o& the +ho%e thin)" Thats
a%% I nee!e!, another b%in! !ate, I *e't thin*in) as I 'hone!
her" I %oathe! this +ho%e !atin) ro$tine, it +as ri)ht $' there
+ith root cana%" So +hat +as so +ron) +ith !yin) a%one,
#iserab%e an! +retche!< Beats !atin)"
I ha! been stayin) +ith =rances Aa$)han an! Ro)er
Wa%sh &or the better 'art o& a year, in =rancess %o(e%y ho$se
in Tib$ron, +here a !o+nstairs roo# +as #a!e a(ai%ab%e &or
#e" =rances +as an a%to)ether re#ar*ab%e +o#an 2 'ast
'resi!ent o& the Association &or Trans'ersona% 7sycho%o)y,
soon/to/be 'resi!ent o& the Association &or H$#anistic
7sycho%o)y, an! a$thor o& se(era% boo*s, #ost notab%y The
,n%ard *rc 2 not to #ention the &act that she +as >$ite
bea$ti&$% an! %oo*e! a !eca!e yo$n)er than her #i!/&orty
years" Ro)er +as &ro# A$stra%ia, b$t ha! been in the States
&or the 'ast t+o !eca!es" He +as teachin) at the Dni(ersity
o& Ca%i&ornia, Ir(ine, !$rin) the +ee* an! &%yin) bac* on
+ee*en!s to be +ith =rances" Ro)er, +ho in A$stra%ia ha!
)otten the e>$i(a%ent o& an M"D" an! a 7h"D", ha! a%so
+ritten se(era% boo*s, an! he an! =rances ha! coe!ite! the
#ost 'o'$%ar 4an! best5 intro!$ction to trans'ersona%
'sycho%o)y, 'eyond )go" Ro)er &e%t %i*e a rea% brother to #e
2 so#ethin) that ha! ne(er ha''ene! be&ore 2 an! +e ha!
a%% sett%e! into 7ara!ise Dri(e %i*e a s#a%% an! co8y &a#i%y"
E1ce't, o& co$rse, +e +ere one 'erson short 2 a 'artner
&or #e 2 an! so =rances an! Ro)er !$ti&$%%y %oo*e! aro$n!
&or any %i*e%y can!i!ates" =rances +o$%! co#e $' +ith a
+o#an, an! Ro)er +o$%! co##ent to #e, 0Shes not
terrib%y )oo!/%oo*in) b$t then neither are yo$"0 Ro)er +o$%!
co#e $' +ith so#eone an! =rances +o$%! te%% #e, 0Shes
not (ery bri)ht b$t then neither are yo$"0 What I re#e#ber,
at any rate, abo$t that year, +as that in a%% the (ario$s
!ates I ha!, it see#e! to #e that Ro)er an! =rances ne(er
rea%%y a)ree! on any o& the#"
A&ter a year o& this, Ro)er ca#e in one !ay an! sai!, 0I
cant be%ie(e it, I(e )ot the 'er&ect +o#an &or yo$" I cant
be%ie(e I !i!nt thin* o& this be&ore" Her na#e is Terry
;i%%a#"0 S$re, I tho$)ht, I(e been here be&ore" Thin* I%% ta*e
a s*i' on that"
Three !ays %ater, =rances ca#e in an! sai!, 0I cant
be%ie(e it" I(e )ot the 'er&ect +o#an &or yo$" Cant be%ie(e
I !i!nt thin* o& this be&ore" Her na#e is Terry ;i%%a#"0
I +as st$nne!" =rances an! Ro)er a)reein)< An! not .$st
a)reein) b$t enth$siastic< This #$st be, I tho$)ht, a
bea$ti&$% +o#an +ho is )oo! &or #y so$%" I %oo*e! at
=rances, sort o& *i!!in), an! sai! 0I%% #arry her"0
O$r &irst #eetin) +as $n$s$a%" Sche!$%in) 'rob%e#s
abo$n!e!, an! +e &ina%%y +o$n! $' )ettin) to)ether at
the ho$se o& a #$t$a% #a%e &rien! +ho +as !atin) a
&rien! o& #ine &ro# schoo% 4+ho +as a%so a &or#er
)ir%&rien! o& ;ens5" I ca#e a&ter E-00 7"M" since I +as
seein) c%ients" ;en an! I .$st bare%y ha! a chance to say
0he%%o0 +hen o$r t+o &rien!s be)an to brin) $' so#e
(ery !ee' 'rob%e#s in their re%ationshi'" ;en +as as*e!
to be &aci%itator, or 0thera'ist &or the e(enin),0 an! the
ne1t three ho$rs +ere s'ent !ea%in) +ith their iss$es"
3o$ co$%! te%% this +asnt e1act%y ho+ ;en ha! +ante! to
s'en! the e(enin), b$t he staye! ri)ht there, &$%%y
'resent, an! +as rea%%y +on!er&$%, +or*in) +ith so#e
e1tre#e%y !ee' an! !i&&ic$%t iss$es in their re%ationshi'"
;en an! I !i!nt say #$ch to each other 2 +e !i!nt
ha(e a chance9 I s'ent #ost o& the ti#e tryin) to )et
$se! to his sha(e! hea!, +hich +as !isconcertin) to #e"
I %o(e! the +ay he %oo*e! &ro# the &ront, b$t the si!e
(ie+ " " " +e%%, that +o$%! ta*e so#e )ettin) $se! to" B$t
I +as (ery i#'resse! +ith the +ay he +or*e!, +ith his
)ent%eness an! sensiti(ity an! co#'assion, es'ecia%%y
+hen it ca#e to the +o#an an! her a)oni8in) iss$es
abo$t re%ationshi', s'eci&ica%%y abo$t +antin) a chi%!"
At one 'oint +e a%% +ent into the *itchen &or so#e
tea" ;en '$t his ar# aro$n! #e" I &e%t a %itt%e
$nco#&ortab%e since I har!%y *ne+ hi#, b$t s%o+%y I '$t
#y ar# aro$n! hi#" Then so#ethin) #o(e! #e to '$t
#y other ar# aro$n! hi# too an! I c%ose! #y eyes" I &e%t
so#ethin) in!escribab%e then" A +ar#th, a *in! o&
#er)in), a sense o& &ittin) to)ether, o& b%en!in), o& bein)
co#'%ete%y one" I %et #yse%& &%oat +ith it &or a #o#ent,
then o'ene! #y eyes, s$r'rise!" My +o#an &rien! +as
%oo*in) strai)ht at #e" I +on!ere! i& she co$%! see, i& she
co$%! te%% +hat ha! .$st ha''ene!"
What ha! .$st ha''ene!< So#e *in! o& reco)nition, a
reco)nition beyon! this 'resent +or%!" It ha! nothin) to
!o +ith ho+ #any +or!s +e! share!" It +as s'oo*y,
eerie, a once/in/a/%i&eti#e &ee%in)" When I &ina%%y %e&t at
H-00 A"M" ;en he%! #e be&ore I )ot in #y car" He sai! he
+as s$r'rise!, he &e%t %i*e he ne(er +ante! to %et #e )o"
That +as .$st ho+ I &e%t, %i*e I be%on)e! in so#e a%#ost
esoteric sense in his ar#s"
That ni)ht I !rea#t abo$t ;en" I !rea#t I +as !ri(in)
o(er the F6o%!en 6ateG bri!)e &ro# the city, as I ha! the
ni)ht be&ore, b$t I +as !ri(in) o(er a bri!)e that +asnt
rea%%y there" ;en +as &o%%o+in) #e in another car an! +e
+ere to #eet at a certain ren!e8(o$s" The bri!)e %e! to
a #a)ica% to+n, a bit %i*e a rea% to+n b$t +ith an
etherea% >$a%ity that see#e! s$&&$se! +ith #eanin) an!
i#'ort an!, es'ecia%%y, bea$ty"
Lo(e at &irst to$ch" We ha!nt sai! &i(e +or!s to each
other" An! I co$%! te%% by the +ay she +as %oo*in) at #y
sha(e! hea! that it !e&inite%y +as not )oin) to be %o(e at
&irst si)ht" I, %i*e a%#ost e(erybo!y, &o$n! Treya >$ite
bea$ti&$%, b$t I rea%%y !i!nt e(en *no+ her" B$t +hen I '$t
#y ar# aro$n! her, I &e%t a%% se'aration an! !istance
!isso%(e, there +as so#e sort o& #er)in), it see#e!" It +as
as i& Treya an! I ha! been to)ether &or %i&eti#es" This
see#e! (ery rea% an! (ery ob(io$s, b$t I !i!nt *no+ >$ite
+hat to #a*e o& it" Treya an! I sti%% ha!nt e(en ta%*e! to
each other, so neither o& $s *ne+ the sa#e thin) +as
ha''enin) to the other" I re#e#ber thin*in), Oh )reat, its
&o$r in the #ornin) an! I# ha(in) so#e sort o& +eir!
#ystica% e1'erience ri)ht in the *itchen o& one o& #y best
&rien!s, #ere%y by to$chin) a +o#an I(e ne(er #et be&ore"
This is not )oin) to be easy to e1'%ain" " ""
I co$%!nt s%ee' that ni)ht, i#a)es o& Treya 'o$re! o(er
#e" She +as in!ee! bea$ti&$%" B$t +hat e1act%y +as it<
There +as an ener)y that see#e! %itera%%y to ra!iate &ro#
her in a%% !irections, a (ery >$iet an! soothin) ener)y, b$t
enor#o$s%y stron) an! 'o+er&$%, an ener)y that +as (ery
inte%%i)ent an! s$&&$se! +ith e1ce'tiona% bea$ty, b$t #ost%y
an ener)y that +as ali#e" This +o#an sai! LI=E #ore than
anybo!y I ha! e(er *no+n" The +ay she #o(e!, the +ay
she he%! her hea!, the rea!y s#i%e that )race! the #ost
o'en an! trans'arent &ace I ha! e(er seen 2 6o!, she +as
a%i(e9
Her eyes %oo*e! at, an! thro$)h, e(erythin)" It +asnt
that she ha! a 'enetratin) )%ance 2 thats #$ch too
a))ressi(e 2 it +as si#'%y that she see#e! to see thro$)h
thin)s, an! then 'er&ect%y acce't +hat she sa+, a *in! o&
)ent%e an! co#'assionate 1/ray (ision" Eyes co##itte! to
tr$th, I &ina%%y !eci!e!" When she %oo*e! !irect%y at yo$, yo$
co$%! te%% $n#ista*ab%y that this +as a 'erson +ho +o$%!
ne(er %ie to yo$" 3o$ tr$ste! her i##e!iate%y, an enor#o$s
inte)rity see#e! to 'er#eate e(en her s#a%%est
#o(e#ents an! #anneris#s" She a''eare! the #ost se%&/
con&i!ent 'erson I ha! e(er #et, yet not 'ro$! or boast&$%
in the %east" I 'on!ere! i& she e(er )ot &%$stere!, it +as har!
to i#a)ine" 3et behin! the a%#ost inti#i!atin) so%i!ness o&
her character, there +ere the !ancin) eyes, seein)
e(erythin), not 'on!ero$s%y, b$t +antin) rather to '%ay" I
tho$)ht, this +o#an is )a#e &or anythin), I !ont thin*
anythin) scares here +as a %i)htness s$rro$n!in) her,
sincere b$t not serio$s, +ith her s$'erab$n!ance o& %i&e,
she co$%! a&&or! to '%ay, she co$%! she! !ensity an! &%oat a%%
the +ay to the stars, i& she +ante!"
I &ina%%y !ri&te! o&&, on%y to a+a*en +ith a start- I(e &o$n!
her" Thats a%% I *e't thin*in)- I(e &o$n! her"
That sa#e #ornin), Treya +as +ritin) a 'oe#"
A %o(e%y e(enin) %ast ni)ht, +e%%/%ace! +ith bran!y on
a%% si!es,
The con(ersation '$nct$ate! by re&i%%in) )%asses,
#a*in) co&&ee,
a *in! o& #in$et o& +or!s an! s#a%% actions
inter%acin) +ith !e%icate 'robin) an! a !ee' carin),
as he +or*e! +ith their re%ationshi'"
A )ent%eness, a so&tness, a +i%%in)ness to s$''ort
thro$)h as*in) to$)h >$estions, 'robin) !ee'er,
'annin) &or the )o%! o& tr$th, co#in) $' +ith bits o& !$st,
s#a%% 'ebb%es, )oin) s%o+%y !ee'er to the #other %o!e,
an! &in!in) it"
The +ho%e 'rocess +as %o(e%y, ho+ he contin$e! on,
'robin), carin),
an! then that %o(e%y reso%$tion, the so&tness in the air,
bet+een $s a%%"
I &ee% #y heart o'en at the #e#ory o& it,
as it o'ene! %ast ni)ht"
To be to$che! %i*e that,
%i*e he to$che! #e,
&irst thro$)h his +or!s an! +hat it sho+e! o& hi#,
the so&t !e'ths o& his bro+n eyes,
an! then an easy #e%tin) bo!y to bo!y, so#ethin)
c%ear%y
ha''ene! there,
I c%ose! #y eyes to try to sense it, beyon! +or!s,
b$t 'a%'ab%e, rea%, e(en i& #ost%y
ine1'ressib%e"
I &ee% #y heart o'en,
I tr$st hi# #ore than
I tr$st the $ni(erse"
As I %ay in be!, I notice! a series o& s$bt%e ener)y
c$rrents r$nnin) thro$)h #y bo!y, +hich &e%t (ery #$ch
%i*e the so/ca%%e! *$n!a%ini ener)y, +hich, in Eastern
re%i)ions, is sai! to be the ener)y o& s'irit$a% a+a*enin), an
ener)y that %ies !or#ant, as%ee', $nti% aro$se! by an
a''ro'riate 'erson or e(ent" I ha! &e%t these c$rrents be&ore
2 I! been #e!itatin) &or &i&teen years, an! these ty'es o&
s$bt%e ener)ies are co##on in #e!itation 2 b$t ne(er +ere
they >$ite this c%ear%y !e&ine!" Incre!ib%y, the sa#e thin)
+as ha''enin) to Treya, an! at e1act%y the sa#e ti#e"
=ascinatin) %yin) in be! this #ornin)" =ee%in) %itt%e
+a(e%ets o& (ibration, (ery c%ear an! !istinct" Sensations
in #y ar#s an! %e)s, b$t #ost%y %oca%i8e! in the %o+er
ha%& o& #y tr$n*" What is ha''enin) +hen this )oes on<
Are thin)s %oosenin) $', he%! tensions &ro# the 'ast
!isso%(in)<
I &oc$se! on #y heart, &e%t an o'enin) (ery, (ery
c%ear%y, &ro# thin*in) o& that sensation I ha! +ith ;en
%ast ni)ht" An a#a8in)%y 'o+er&$% s$r)e &ro# #y heart,
that then )oes !o+n into the center o& #y bo!y, an!
then $' to+ar! the to' o& #y hea!" So '%eas$rab%e an!
b%iss&$% its a%#ost 'ain&$%, %i*e an ache, a %on)in), a
reachin) o$t, a +antin), a !esire, an o'enness, a
($%nerabi%ity" Li*e ho+ I +o$%! &ee% 'erha's a%% the ti#e i&
I +erent 'rotecte!, i& I !ro''e! #y !e&enses """ an! yet
it &ee%s +on!er&$%, I %o(e the &ee%in), it &ee%s (ery a%i(e
an! (ery rea%, &$%% o& ener)y an! +ar#th" Io%ts #y inner
core a%i(e"
I$st to #a*e s$re its c%ear, Treya an! I ha! not s%e't
to)ether" We ha! not e(en rea%%y ta%*e!" We ha! si#'%y '$t
o$r ar#s aro$n! each other, once in the *itchen, an! once
short%y therea&ter, ri)ht be&ore she %e&t" We ha! ha! &i&teen
#in$tes o& con(ersation" That +as the s$# tota% o& o$r
in(o%(e#ent at that 'oint, an! yet +e +ere both start%e! by
+hat +as ha''enin)" It +as a%% a bit #$ch, an! both o& $s
trie! to '$t a #ore sober an! restraine! &ace on the
sit$ation" With not #$ch s$ccess"
I !i!nt see ;en &or a +ee* a&ter that" He ha! to%! #e
he ha! to )o to L"A" an! +o$%! )et in to$ch +hen he
ret$rne!" I !rea#t abo$t hi# t+ice #ore +hi%e he +as
)one" I c%ear%y *ne+ on so#e !ee' %e(e% that this +as a
re#ar*ab%e #eetin) o& so#e i#'ort, b$t conscio$s%y I
trie! to '%ay it !o+n" I co$%! be i#a)inin) thin)s, I co$%!
be b$i%!in) cast%es in the air, a&ter a%% there ha! been so
#any !isa''oint#ents in the 'ast" What !i! I ha(e to )o
on, any+ay< A &e+ e#braces, a &e+ !rea#s"
When +e &ina%%y !i! )o o$t on o$r &irst rea% !ate a
+ee* %ater, ;en ta%*e! a%% thro$)h !inner abo$t this
)ir%&rien! he! )one to see in L"A" It e#barrasses hi# to
be re#in!e! o& this no+, b$t I re#e#ber &ee%in)
co#&ortab%y a#$se!" T$rns o$t he +as tryin) to hi!e his
&ee%in)s by ta%*in) abo$t so#ebo!y e%se" B$t +e +ere
to)ether &ro# then on" I& +e s'ent any ti#e a'art +e
*ne+ +hat the other +as !oin)" B$t +e +ere #ost%y
to)ether, an! +e !i!nt %i*e bein) se'arate!" When +e
+ere to)ether +e %i*e! bein) c%ose to)ether, to$chin)" I
&e%t so#eho+ %i*e I ha! %on) been thirsty &or hi#, not .$st
'hysica%%y b$t e#otiona%%y an! s'irit$a%%y" The on%y +ay
to be)in to ass$a)e this thirst +as to be to)ether as
#$ch as 'ossib%e" I .$st !ran* hi# in on a%% %e(e%s"
One %o(e%y ear%y Se'te#ber e(enin), +e sat on the
!ec* o& #y ho$se at M$ir Beach, !rin*in) +ine,
s$rro$n!e! by the s#e%%s o& the 7aci&ic Ocean an! the
e$ca%y't$s trees, so&t%y serena!e! by e(enin) s$##er
so$n!s, the bree8e thro$)h the trees, a !o) bar*in) in
the !istance, +a(es brea*in) on the beach &ar be%o+" We
so#eho+ #ana)e! to !rin* o$r +ine +hi%e stayin)
'er&ect%y ent+ine! in each others ar#s, no #ean &eat9
A&ter so#e #o#ents o& si%ence ;en as*e!, 0Has anythin)
%i*e this e(er ha''ene! to yo$ be&ore<0 It too* not a
#o#ents hesitation to ans+er, 0No, ne(er" Nothin) %i*e
this" Ho+ abo$t yo$<0 0Ne(er, not %i*e this"0 We be)an
%a$)hin) an! in an e1a))erate! Iohn Wayne (oice he
sai!, 0Its bi))er than the t+o o& $s, 'i%)ri#"0
I beca#e obsesse! +ith the tho$)ht o& ;en" I %o(e!
the +ay he +a%*e!, ta%*e!, #o(e!, !resse!, e(erythin)"
His &ace +as +ith #e e(ery #o#ent" This %e! to not a
&e+ #isha's !$rin) this 'erio!" Once I! )one to a
boo*store to b$y co'ies o& so#e o& his boo*s" Thin*in)
intent%y o& hi#, as $s$a%, I '$%%e! o$t o& #y 'ara%%e%
'ar*in) '%ace !irect%y into the 'ath o& an onco#in) (an"
In a%% #y years o& !ri(in) I ha(e ne(er ha! an acci!ent"
Another e(enin) I +as )oin) to #eet ;en, a)ain
obsesse! +ith tho$)hts o& hi# an! ob%i(io$s o& a%% e%se" I
ran o$t o& )as near the entrance to the 6o%!en 6ate
Bri!)e" That bro$)ht #e bac* to earth in a h$rry, tho$)h
I arri(e! ho$rs %ate"
It see#e!, to both o& $s, %i*e +e +ere a%rea!y #arrie!,
an! a%% that +as re>$ire! +as to %et 'eo'%e *no+ abo$t it"
Treya an! I ne(er once ta%*e! abo$t #arria)e, I !ont thin*
it see#e! necessary to either o& $s" It +as si#'%y )oin) to
be"
What a#a8e! #e +as that +e ha! both )i(en $' &in!in)
the #ythica% 0ri)ht 'erson"0 Treya ha!nt acce'te! a !ate in
o(er t+o years, she ha! resi)ne! herse%& to )oin) it a%one" I
&e%t the sa#e, an! yet here +e +ere, both so s$re +e +o$%!
be #arrie! that +e ha!nt e(en &e%t it necessary to !isc$ss
it once"
B$t be&ore the &or#a%ities 2 be&ore I act$a%%y as*e! her to
#arry #e 2 I +ante! her to #eet a !ear &rien!, Sa#
Bercho%8" Sa# +as %i(in) in Bo$%!er +ith his +i&e Ha8e% an!
their *i!s Sara an! I(an 4the terrib%e5"
Sa# +as &o$n!er an! 'resi!ent o& Sha#bha%a
7$b%ications, )enera%%y re)ar!e! as the &inest '$b%ishin)
ho$se in the +or%! &or East?West st$!ies, B$!!his#, an!
esoteric 'hi%oso'hy an! 'sycho%o)y" Sa# an! I +ent bac* a
%on) +ay" In a!!ition to the '$b%ishin) co#'any, +hich +as
then %ocate! in Bo$%!er, Co%ora!o, Sa# ha! starte!
Sha#bha%a Boo*se%%ers, an a%to)ether e1traor!inary an!
no+ rather &a#o$s boo*store in Ber*e%ey" When Sa# &irst
be)an the boo*store 2 at a)e t+enty 2 he $se! to &i%% #ai%
or!ers hi#se%&, +or*in) in the base#ent %ate into the ni)ht
'ac*in) an! shi''in) boo*s to (ario$s c$sto#ers" An! once
a #onth, %i*e c%oc*+or*, he +o$%! recei(e a h$)e or!er
&ro# so#e *i! in Linco%n, Nebras*a" Sa# *e't thin*in), 0I&
this )$y is act$a%%y rea!in) a%% these boo*s, +ere )oin) to
hear &ro# hi#"0
I act$a%%y +as rea!in) a%% those boo*s" I +as t+enty/t+o
an! ri)ht in the #i!!%e o& co#'%etin) #y )ra!$ate st$!ies
in bioche#istry" Ori)ina%%y I ha! +ante! to be a !octor, an!
ha! entere! the 're#e! 'ro)ra# at D$*e Dni(ersity in
D$rha#, North Caro%ina, +hich I '$rs$e! &or t+o years, $nti%
I !eci!e! the 'ractice o& #e!icine +asnt creati(e eno$)h
&or #y inte%%ect$a% tastes" One si#'%y #e#ori8e! &acts an!
in&or#ation, an! then rather #echanica%%y a''%ie! the# to
nice $ns$s'ectin) 'eo'%e" It str$c* #e as a )%ori&ie!
'%$#bin) .ob" It a%so str$c* #e as a not/nice +ay to treat a
h$#an bein)" So I %e&t D$*e an! ret$rne! ho#e 4#y !a!
+as in the Air =orce, he an! Mo# +ere statione! at O&&$t
Air =orce Base, ri)ht o$tsi!e O#aha, Nebras*a5" I too* a
!o$b%e #a.or 4one in che#istry, one in bio%o)y5 an! then
+ent to )ra!$ate schoo% in bioche#istry at the Dni(ersity o&
Nebras*a at Linco%n" At %east bioche#istry +as creati(e, at
%east I co$%! !o research, at %east I co$%! !isco(er
so#ethin), or brin) &orth ne+ in&or#ation, ne+ i!eas, ne+
theories, an! not #ere%y a''%y that +hich ha! been ta$)ht
#e"
Nonethe%ess, a%tho$)h I )ra!$ate! +ith honors, #y heart
+asnt in it" bioche#istry, #e!icine, an! science in )enera%
si#'%y +ere not a!!ressin) the >$estions that +ere
beco#in) o& &$n!a#enta% i#'ortance to #e 2 si%%y
>$estions %i*e, 0Who a# I<0 0Whats the #eanin) o& %i&e<0
Why a# I here<0
Li*e Treya, I +as %oo*in) &or so#ethin), that science
si#'%y co$%! not 'ro(i!e" I be)an an obsessi(e st$!y o& the
+or%!s )reat re%i)ions, 'hi%oso'hies, an! 'sycho%o)ies, both
East an! West" I rea! t+o an! three boo*s a !ay, c$ttin)
bioche#istry c%asses an! shortchan)in) #y %aboratory +or*
4+hich consiste! o& the 'ositi(e%y re(o%tin) tas* o& c$ttin)
$' h$n!re!s o& co+ eyes a +ee* so as to 'er&or# research
on the retinas5" My +an!erin) interests )reat%y +orrie! #y
'ro&essors, +ho s$s'ecte! I +as $' to so#ethin) no )oo! 2
that is, so#ethin) not scienti&ic" Once, +hen I +as
sche!$%e! to )i(e a bioche#istry %ect$re to &ac$%ty an!
st$!ents on so#ethin) &ascinatin) %i*e 0The
hotoiso#eri8ation o& rho!o'sin iso%ate! &ro# bo(ine ro!
o$ter se)#ents,0 I instea! )a(e a t+o/ho$r %ect$re brash%y
entit%e! 0What Is Rea%ity an! Ho+ Do We ;no+ It<,0 a
scathin) attac* on the ina!e>$acy o& e#'irica% scienti&ic
#etho!o%o)y" The asse#b%e! &ac$%ty %istene! (ery intent%y,
as*e! n$#ero$s inte%%i)ent an! tho$)ht&$% >$estions, an!
&o%%o+e! the ar)$#ents 'er&ect%y" Then, ri)ht as I ha!
&inishe! the 'resentation, ca#e a +his'ere! b$t c%ear%y
a$!ib%e co##ent &ro# the bac* o& the roo#, a co##ent
that s$##ari8e! (irt$a%%y e(erybo!ys &ee%in)s- 0Whe+9
No+ bac* to rea%ity"0
That +as )en$ine%y &$nny, an! +e a%% %a$)he!" B$t the
sa! thin) +as that +hat 0rea%ity0 #eant, o& co$rse, +as
e#'iric/scienti&ic rea%ity, +hich basica%%y #eant on%y that
+hich co$%! be 'ercei(e! by the h$#an senses or their
instr$#enta% e1tensions 4#icrosco'es, te%esco'es,
'hoto)ra'hic '%ates, an! so on5" *nything o$tsi!e o& that
narro+ +or%! 2 anythin) that #i)ht ha(e so#ethin) to !o
+ith the h$#an so$% or S'irit or 6o! or eternity 2 +as
!ee#e! $nscienti&ic an! th$s 0$nrea%"0 I ha! s'ent #y
entire %i&e st$!yin) science, on%y to be #et +ith the
+retche! rea%i8ation that science +as, not +ron), b$t
br$ta%%y %i#ite! an! narro+ in sco'e" I& h$#an bein)s are
co#'ose! o& #atter, bo!y, #in!, so$%, an! s'irit, then
science !ea%s han!so#e%y +ith #atter an! bo!y, b$t 'oor%y
+ith #in! an! not at a%% +ith so$% an! s'irit"
I !i! not +ant to *no+ #ore abo$t #atter an! bo!ies, I
+as cho*in) on tr$ths abo$t #atter an! bo!ies" I +ante! to
*no+ abo$t #in!, an! es'ecia%%y abo$t so$% an! s'irit" I
+ante! so#e #eanin) in the #ess o& &acts I +as in)estin)"
An! so there I +as, )oin) thro$)h the #ai%/or!er
cata%o)$e o& Sha#bha%a Boo*se%%ers" I ha! %e&t )ra!$ate
schoo%, c$ttin) short #y !octorate an! ta*in) a #asters
instea!, the %ast c%ear #e#ory I ha(e o& the '%ace bein) the
%oo* o& horror in #y 'ro&essors &aces as I to%! the# o& #y
'%ans to +rite a boo* on 0conscio$sness an! 'hi%oso'hy an!
the so$% an! st$&&"0 I too* a .ob as a !ish+asher in or!er to
'ay rent" I +as #a*in) JCK0 a #onth an! sen!in) J:00 o&
that to Sha#bha%a &or #ai%/or!er boo*s"
I !i! +rite that boo*" I +as t+enty/three years o%!, the
boo* +as ca%%e! The Spectrum of (onsciousness"
=ort$nate%y, the re(ie+s +ere enth$siastic" It +as %ar)e%y
the 'ositi(e &ee!bac* I )ot on Spectrum that *e't #e )oin)"
=or the ne1t &i(e years, I +ashe! !ishes, b$se! tab%es,
+or*e! at a )rocery store, an! +rote &i(e #ore boo*s
i
" By
that ti#e I ha! been 'racticin) Len #e!itation &or a%#ost
ten years, the boo*s +ere a )reat s$ccess, I +as >$ite
content" I +as ha''i%y #arrie! &or nine years, then ha''i%y
!i(orce! 4+ere &rien!s to this !ay5"
In :EB: I #o(e! to Ca#bri!)e, Massach$setts, in or!er
to try to sa%(a)e Re,S,./ 0ournal, a .o$rna% that Iac*
Critten!en an! I ha! co&o$n!e! three years ear%ier"
Re,S,./ +as in #any +ays a re#ar*ab%e .o$rna%, %ar)e%y
!$e to Iac*s )$i!in) ener)y an! insi)ht" At a ti#e +hen
cross/c$%t$ra% 'hi%oso'hy an! inter!isci'%inary st$!ies +ere
%ar)e%y i)nore!, Re,S,./ +as so#ethin) o& a beacon to
#any scho%ars an! inte%%ect$a%s intereste! in East?West
st$!ies an! the inter&ace bet+een science an! re%i)ion" We
+ere, &or e1a#'%e, the &irst to '$b%ish e1tensi(e 'a'ers on
the ho%o)ra'hic 'ara!i)#, +ith contrib$tions by ;ar%
7ribra#, Da(i! Boh#, =rit.o& Ca'ra, an! others" I %ater !re+
these 'a'ers to)ether into a boo* entit%e! The Holographic
-aradigm1 )2ploring the Leading )dge of Science3
Incre!ib%y, Re,S,./ +as a t+o/#an sho+" I !i! the
)enera% e!itin) &ro# Linco%n, an! Iac*, in Ca#bri!)e, !i!
abso%$te%y e(erythin) e%se, &ro# %ine e!itin) to 'aste$' to
asse#b%y to 'rintin) to #ai%in)" He &ina%%y hire! an
e1tre#e%y inte%%i)ent 4an! (ery bea$ti&$%5 +o#an to be the
s$bscri'tion !e'art#ent, an! then 'ro#'t%y #arrie! the
s$bscri'tion !e'art#ent, +ho 'ro#'t%y )ot 're)nant" Iac*
ha! to %ea(e Re,S,./ in or!er to )et a rea% .ob, an! so I
soon &o$n! #yse%& on the +ay to Ca#bri!)e to see i& I co$%!
resc$e Re,S,./"
It +as in Ca#bri!)e that I &ina%%y #et Sa# in the &%esh"
We hit it o&& i##e!iate%y" A he&ty #an +ith a bear!, a
)eni$s &or b$siness, a )%oba%%y inc%ine! #in!, an! an
e1traor!inari%y +ar# heart, Sa# re#in!e! #e o& nothin) so
#$ch as a )reat bi) te!!y bear" He +as in to+n to chec*
o$t the 'ossibi%ity o& #o(in) Sha#bha%a 7$b%ications to
Boston, +hich he e(ent$a%%y !i!"
B$t by the en! o& a year in Ca#bri!)e, I ha! ha! it" My
&rien!s a%% tho$)ht I +o$%! %o(e Ca#bri!)e beca$se o& the
inte%%ect$a% sti#$%ation, b$t I &o$n! it not so #$ch
sti#$%atin) as irritatin)" 7eo'%e see#e! to con&$se the
so$n! o& )rin!in) teeth +ith thin*in)" Re,S,./ +as
e(ent$a%%y sa%(a)e! by #o(in) it to Hei!re&& 7$b%ications,
an! I &%e! Ca#bri!)e &or San =rancisco 2 Tib$ron, #ore
'recise%y, +here I %i(e! +ith =rances an! Ro)er, +ho, a year
%ater, intro!$ce! #e to Treya"
Sa# +as bac* in Bo$%!er +ith his &a#i%y, an! 2 be&ore I
'ro'ose! to Treya 2 I +ante! Sa# an! Treya to chec* each
other o$t" An! so on o$r +ay to As'en to #eet Treyas
&a#i%y, +e sto''e! in Bo$%!er" A&ter ta%*in) +ith Treya &or
abo$t &i(e #in$tes, Sa# '$%%e! #e asi!e an! sai!, 0Not on%y
!o I a''ro(e, I# +orrie! abo$t her )ettin) shortchan)e!"0
I 'ro'ose! to Treya that ni)ht, on a si!e+a%* in Bo$%!er,
o$tsi!e o& R$!is resta$rant on 7ear% Street" A%% she sai!
+as, 0I& yo$ !i!nt as* #e, I +as )oin) to as* yo$"0
I ha! 're(io$s%y '%anne! a (isit to Co%ora!o +ith #y
'arents" A%tho$)h ;en an! I ha! *no+n each other %ess
than t+o +ee*s, I !es'erate%y +ante! hi# to #eet the#"
We arran)e! &or hi# to co#bine a b$siness tri' to
Sha#bha%a 7$b%ications in Bo$%!er +ith a (isit to As'en" I
&%e+ o$t &irst an!, thro+in) a%% ca$tion to the +in!s,
s'ent three !ays ra(in) to #y 'arents an! o%! &rien!s
abo$t this +on!er&$%, $ni>$e, tota%%y %o(ab%e #an" I !i!nt
care +hat they tho$)ht, e(en tho$)h I ha! ne(er ra(e!
abo$t a #an in #y entire %i&e, an! e(en tho$)h I ha!nt
e(en !ate! a #an in o(er t+o years9 I +as &or so#e
reason $na&rai! o& #a*in) a &oo% o& #yse%&, I &e%t certain
o& ho+ I &e%t" Many o& these &rien!s ha! *no+n #e &or
+e%% o(er ten years an! +ere #ost%y con(ince! I +o$%!
'robab%y ne(er )et #arrie!" My #other co$%!nt contro%
herse%&, she si#'%y ha! to as* i& I tho$)ht +e! )et
#arrie!, e(en tho$)h I ha!nt #entione! that 'ossibi%ity
an! ;en an! I ha! ne(er !isc$sse! it" What co$%! I say< I
ha! to te%% the tr$th" 3es, +e +o$%! )et #arrie!"
When I &%e+ to Den(er to #eet ;en at the air'ort I
+as s$!!en%y terrib%y ner(o$s" I ha! a !rin*, (ery
$n$s$a% &or #e, +hi%e +aitin) &or hi#" I ner(o$s%y
+atche! e(eryone )et o&& the '%ane, so#eho+ secret%y
ho'in) he +o$%!nt be there" Who +as this ta%%, ba%!,
co#'%ete%y $n$s$a% #an I +as e1'ectin) any+ay< Was I
rea!y &or this< No, at that #o#ent, I +as not rea!y"
An! he +as not on the '%ane" That )a(e #e ti#e to
reconsi!er" =ro# the &ear o& his arri(a% to the re%ie& at not
seein) hi# to !isa''oint#ent to near 'anic that he
+o$%! not sho+ $'" What i& he t$rne! o$t to be so#e
&i)#ent o& #y !rea#s< What i& he +as rea% b$t ha!
staye! on in L"A" +ith his o%! )ir%&rien!< What i& """ I
s$!!en%y +ante! +ho%ehearte!%y to see hi# a)ain"
An! yes, there he +as, on the ne1t '%ane"
Dn#ista*ab%e, i#'ossib%e to #iss" With a #i1t$re o&
ner(o$sness, e#barrass#ent, an! '$re !e%i)ht I )reete!
hi#, sti%% $nacc$sto#e! to the attention his stri*in) %oo*s
a%+ays attracte!"
We s'ent the ne1t &e+ !ays in Bo$%!er +ith his
&rien!s" Since ;en an! I +ere a%+ays so#eho+ 'hysica%%y
attache! to each other, in '$b%ic or in 'ri(ate, I be)an to
+on!er +hat his &rien!s tho$)ht o& #e" One e(enin)
a&ter !inner, stan!in) o$tsi!e the resta$rant +here +e
ha! .$st eaten +ith Sa# an! Ha8e%, I as*e! hi# +hat he
ha! to%! Sa# abo$t #e" He he%! #y han!s an! %oo*e! at
#e +ith those h$)e bro+n eyes an! sai!, 0I to%! Sa#
that i& she%% ha(e #e, this is the +o#an I +ant to
#arry"0 Witho$t a #o#ents re&%ection or hesitation I
sai! 0O& co$rse"0 4I +as thin*in) 2 or #aybe I sai! 2 0I
+as )oin) to as* yo$"05 We a%% +ent o$t to ce%ebrate +ith
cha#'a)ne, a #ere ten !ays a&ter o$r &irst !ate" It +as a
%o(e%y, +in!y %ate/s$##er e(enin), &resh, c%ear, char)e!
+ith ener)y" I &e%t the 'resence o& the Co%ora!o Roc*ies
%oo#in) behin! $s, +itnessin) this 'ro#ise, con&errin)
their b%essin)" My &a(orite #o$ntains" The #an o& #y
!rea#s" I &e%t !e%irio$s an! !i88y +ith ha''iness"
In a &e+ !ays +e +ent to As'en, +here I ha! %i(e! &or
a%#ost ten years" My 'arents %o(e! hi#" My brother an!
sister/in/%a+ %o(e! hi#" A%% #y &rien!s %o(e! hi#" One
sister ca%%e! to con)rat$%ate #e" The other ca%%e!,
concerne!, to as* #e >$estions she &e%t +o$%! re(ea% i&
this +ere )en$ine or not, I 'asse!" ;en an! I +a%*e!
a%on) #y &a(orite 'ath, $' Con$n!r$# Cree*, &%an*e! on
either si!e by bea$ti&$%%y sc$%'te! #o$ntainsi!es" A
'er&ect )%acia% (a%%ey &i%%e! +ith )race&$% as'en trees an!
stron) e(er)reens, +ith roc* o$tcro'/'in)s %ea!in) to
co#'%e1 ri!)e%ines etche! a)ainst the crysta%%ine !ee'/
b%$e s*y" This +as a 'ath I ha! +a%*e! an! r$n #any,
#any ti#es in the 'ast" This +as the (a%%ey I a%+ays
(is$a%i8e! +hen I nee!e! to &ee% at 'eace" An! here +e
+ere, the 'eace&$% #$r#$r o& the strea# acco#'anyin)
$s, an occasiona% h$##in)bir! !artin) by, the )ent%e
r$st%in) so$n! o& the as'en %ea(es &i%%in) the air aro$n!
$s, In!ian 'aintbr$sh an! )entians an! asters an! co+
'arsni' an! co%$#bine, a%+ays the %o(e%y co%$#bine,
scattere! a%% abo$t $s"
That e(enin) +e +ent &or so#e >$iet ti#e a%one to a
%itt%e cabin in the as'en &orest" 3o$ #i)ht thin* )no#es
or e%(es ha! b$i%t it" A %ar)e, re!!ish, %ichen/co(ere! roc*
&or#e! one +a%%, its corners +ere %i(in) as'en trees an!
its other +a%%s #a!e o& han!/he+n as'ens" A 'erson
co$%! +a%* by this cabin +itho$t noticin) it, it b%en!s so
nat$ra%%y into its s$rro$n!in)s" The chi'#$n*s are as
#$ch at ho#e insi!e as o$tsi!e" There ;en an! I ta%*e!
o& the &$t$re an! &e%% ha''i%y as%ee' in each others ar#s"
We are alone, sitting in front of the fireplace, fire bla4ing
against the cool night, the electricity in the house, once
again, not %or!ing3 5Right there, on your left shoulder,5
Treya says3 5(an't you see it65
5See it, no , can't see it3 See %hat65
5Death3 ,t's right there, on your left shoulder35
5*re you serious6 7ou're !idding, right6 , don't
understand35
5We %ere tal!ing about ho% death is a great teacher,
and suddenly, on your left shoulder, , sa% this dar! but
po%erful figure3 ,t's death, ,'m sure35
5Do you hallucinate often65
5/o, ne#er3 ,t's 8ust that , sa% death on your left
shoulder3 , don't !no% %hat it means35
, can't help it3 , loo! at my left shoulder3 , don't see
anything3
2
Beyond Physics
THE WEDDIN6 WAS SET &or No(e#ber 2M, a &e+ #onths
a+ay" In the #eanti#e +e b$sie! o$rse%(es +ith a%% the
necessary 're'arations" That is to say, Treya b$sie! herse%&
+ith a%% the necessary 're'arations" I +rote a boo*"
This 'artic$%ar boo*, 9uantum 9uestions, centere! on
the re#ar*ab%e &act that (irt$a%%y e(ery one o& the )reat
'ioneers o& #o!ern 'hysics 2 #en %i*e Einstein an!
Schroe!in)er an! Heisenber) 2 +ere s'irit$a% #ystics o&
one sort or another, an a%to)ether e1traor!inary sit$ation"
The har!est o& the sciences, 'hysics, ha! r$n s#ac* into
the ten!erest o& re%i)ions, #ysticis#" Why< An! +hat
e1act%y +as #ysticis#, any+ay<
So I co%%ecte! the +ritin)s o& Einstein, Heisenber),
Schroe!in)er, Lo$is !e Bro)%ie, Ma1 7%anc*, Nie%s Bohr,
Wo%&)an) 7a$%i, Sir Arth$r E!!in)ton, an! Sir Ia#es Ieans"
The scienti&ic )eni$s o& these #en is beyon! !is'$te 4a%% b$t
t+o +ere Nobe% %a$reates5, +hat is so a#a8in), as I sai!, is
that they a%% share! a 'ro&o$n!%y s'irit$a% or #ystica%
+or%!(ie+, +hich is 'erha's the %ast thin) one +o$%! e1'ect
&ro# 'ioneerin) scientists"
The essence o& #ysticis# is that in the !ee'est 'art o&
yo$r o+n bein), in the (ery center o& yo$r o+n '$re
a+areness, yo$ are &$n!a#enta%%y one +ith S'irit, one +ith
6o!hea!, one +ith the A%%, in a ti#e%ess an! eterna% an!
$nchan)in) &ashion" So$n! &ar o$t< Listen to Er+in
Schroe!in)er, Nobe%/'ri8e+innin) co&o$n!er o& #o!ern
>$ant$# #echanics-
0It is not 'ossib%e that this $nity o& *no+%e!)e,
&ee%in), an! choice that yo$ ca%% your o%n sho$%! ha(e
s'r$n) into bein) &ro# nothin)ness at a )i(en #o#ent
not so %on) a)o, rather, this *no+%e!)e, &ee%in) an!
choice are essentia%%y eterna% an! $nchan)eab%e an!
n$#erica%%y one in a%% #en, nay, in a%% sensiti(e bein)s"
Inconcei(ab%e as it see#s to or!inary reason, yo$ 2 an!
a%% other conscio$s bein)s as s$ch 2 are a%% in a%%" Hence
this %i&e o& yo$rs +hich yo$ are %i(in) is not #ere%y a
'iece o& the entire e1istence, b$t is, in a certain sense,
the %hole" " " " This is that sacre!, #ystic &or#$%a +hich
is so si#'%e an! so c%ear I a# in the east an! in the
+est, I a# abo(e an! be%o+, , am this %hole %orld"
0Th$s yo$ can thro+ yo$rse%& &%at on the )ro$n!,
stretche! o$t $'on Mother Earth, +ith the certain
con(iction that yo$ are one +ith her an! she +ith yo$"
3o$ are as &ir#%y estab%ishe!, as in($%nerab%e, as she 2
in!ee!, a tho$san! ti#es &ir#er an! #ore in($%nerab%e"
As s$re%y as she +i%% en)$%& yo$ to#orro+, so s$re%y +i%%
she brin) yo$ &orth ane+" An! not #ere%y so#e!ay-
no+, to!ay, e(ery !ay she is brin)in) yo$ &orth, not
once, b$t tho$san!s $'on tho$san!s o& ti#es, .$st as
e(ery !ay she en)$%&s yo$ a tho$san! ti#es o(er" =or
eterna%%y an! a%+ays there is on%y no+, one an! the
sa#e no+, the 'resent is the on%y thin) that has no
en!"0
ii
Accor!in) to the #ystics, +hen +e )o beyon! or
transcen! o$r se'arate/se%& sense, o$r %i#ite! e)o, +e
!isco(er instea! a S$'re#e I!entity, an i!entity +ith the
A%%, +ith $ni(ersa% S'irit, in&inite an! a%%/'er(a!in), eterna%
an! $nchan)in)" As Einstein e1'%ains- 0A h$#an bein) is
'art o& the +ho%e, ca%%e! by $s Dni(erse, a 'art %i#ite! in
ti#e an! s'ace" He e1'eriences hi#se%&, his tho$)hts an!
&ee%in)s as so#ethin) se'arate! &ro# the rest 2 a *in! o&
o'tica% !e%$sion o& his conscio$sness" This !e%$sion is a *in!
o& 'rison &or $s, restrictin) $s to o$r 'ersona% !esires an! to
a&&ection &or a &e+ 'ersons nearest $s" O$r tas* #$st be to
&ree o$rse%(es &ro# this 'rison"0
In!ee!, the +ho%e 'oint o& #e!itation or conte#'%ation 2
+hether it a''ears in the East or in the West, +hether
Christian, M$s%i#, B$!!hist, or Hin!$ 2 is to &ree o$rse%(es
&ro# the 0o'tica% !e%$sion0 that +e are #ere%y se'arate
e)os set a'art &ro# each other an! &ro# eterna% S'irit, an!
to !isco(er instea! that, once re%ease! &ro# the 'rison o&
in!i(i!$a%ity, +e are one +ith 6o!hea! an! th$s one +ith
a%% #ani&estation, in a 'er&ect%y ti#e%ess an! eterna%
&ashion"
An! this is not a #ere theoretica% idea, it is a !irect an!
i##e!iate e2perience, +hich has been re'orte! the +or%!
o(er &ro# ti#e i##e#oria%, an! +hich is essentia%%y
i!entica% +here(er it a''ears" As Schroe!in)er '$t it,
0Within a c$%t$ra% #i%ie$ +here certain conce'tions ha(e
been %i#ite! an! s'ecia%i8e!, it is !arin) to )i(e this
conc%$sion the si#'%e +or!in) that it re>$ires" In Christian
ter#ino%o)y to say- Hence I a# 6o! A%#i)hty so$n!s both
b%as'he#o$s an! %$natic" B$t '%ease !isre)ar! these
connotations &or a #o#ent, an! consi!er that in itse%&, the
insi)ht is not ne+" In In!ian tho$)ht it is consi!ere!, &ar
&ro# bein) b%as'he#o$s, to re'resent the >$intessence o&
!ee'est insi)ht into the ha''enin)s o& the +or%!" A)ain, the
#ystics o& #any cent$ries, in!e'en!ent%y, yet in 'er&ect
har#ony +ith each other 4so#e+hat %i*e the 'artic%es in an
i!ea% )as5 ha(e !escribe!, each o& the#, the $ni>$e
e1'erience o& his or her %i&e in ter#s that can be con!ense!
in the 'hrase Deus factus sum 2 I ha(e beco#e 6o!"0
Not in the sense that #y 'artic$%ar e)o is 6o! 2 &ar &ro#
it 2 b$t rather that, in the !ee'est 'art o& #y o+n
a+areness, I !irect%y intersect eternity" An! it +as this
!irect intersection, this #ystica% a+areness, that so
intereste! these 'ioneerin) 'hysicists"
In 9uantum 9uestions, I +ante! to sho+ ho+ an! +hy
these )reat 'hysicists +ere a%% #ystics, an! I +ante! the#
to be ab%e to s'ea* e%o>$ent%y &or the#se%(es abo$t +hy
0the #ost bea$ti&$% e#otion +e can e1'erience is the
#ystica%0 4Einstein5, abo$t ho+ 0the #echanis# !e#an!s a
#ysticis#0 4!e Bro)%ie5, abo$t e1istin) 0in the #in! o& so#e
eterna% S'irit0 4Ieans5, abo$t +hy 0a synthesis e#bracin)
both rationa% $n!erstan!in) an! the #ystica% e1'erience o&
$nity is the #ythos, s'o*en or $ns'o*en, o& o$r 'resent !ay
an! a)e0 4Wo%&)an) 7a$%i5, an! abo$t the #ost i#'ortant
re%ationshi' o& a%%- 0that o& a h$#an so$% to a !i(ine s'irit0
4E!!in)ton5"
Notice I +as not sayin) that #o!ern 'hysics itse%&
s$''orts or 'ro(es a #ystica% +or%!(ie+" I +as sayin) the
'hysicists the#se%(es +ere #ystics, an! not that their
!isci'%ine +as a #ystica% or so#eho+ s'irit$a% en!ea(or
res$%tin) in a re%i)io$s +or%!(ie+" In other +or!s, I
!isa)ree! entire%y +ith boo*s s$ch as The Tao of -hysics
an! The Dancing Wu Li $asters, +hich ha! c%ai#e! that
#o!ern 'hysics s$''orte! or e(en 'ro(e! Eastern
#ysticis#" This is a co%ossa% error" 7hysics is a %i#ite!,
&inite, re%ati(e, an! 'artia% en!ea(or, !ea%in) +ith a (ery
%i#ite! as'ect o& rea%ity" It !oes not, &or e1a#'%e, !ea% +ith
bio%o)ica%, 'sycho%o)ica%, econo#ic, %iterary, or historica%
tr$ths, +hereas #ysticis# !ea%s +ith a%% o& that, +ith the
Who%e" To say 'hysics 'ro(es #ysticis# is %i*e sayin) the
tai% 'ro(es the !o)"
To $se 7%atos ana%o)y o& the Ca(e- 'hysics )i(es $s a
!etai%e! 'ict$re o& the sha!o+s in the Ca(e 4re%ati(e tr$th5,
+hereas #ysticis# )i(es $s a !irect intro!$ction to the
Li)ht beyon! the Ca(e 4abso%$te tr$th5" St$!y the sha!o+s
a%% yo$ +ant, yo$ sti%% +ont ha(e Li)ht"
Moreo(er, none o& these &o$n!in) 'hysicists be%ie(e!
that #o!ern 'hysics s$''orts a #ystica% or re%i)io$s
+or%!(ie+" They be%ie(e!, rather, that #o!ern science
co$%! no %on)er ob8ect to a re%i)io$s +or%!(ie+, si#'%y
beca$se #o!ern 'hysics, $n%i*e c%assica% 'hysics, ha!
beco#e ac$te%y conscio$s o& its e1tre#e%y %i#ite! an!
'artia% ro%e, o& its tota% ina!e>$acy in !ea%in) +ith $%ti#ate
rea%ities" As E!!in)ton '$t it, a%so $sin) 7%atos ana%o)y-
0The &ran* rea%i8ation that 'hysica% science is !ea%in) +ith a
+or%! o& sha!o+s is one o& the #ost si)ni&icant o& recent
a!(ances"0
A%% o& these 'ioneerin) 'hysicists +ere #ystics 'recise%y
beca$se they +ante! to )o beyon! the intrinsic %i#itations
o& 'hysics itse%& to an interior an! #ystica% a+areness that,
in transcen!in) the +or%! o& sha!o+ &or#s, re(ea%e! hi)her
an! #ore en!$rin) rea%ities" They +ere #ystics, not
beca$se o& 'hysics, b$t in s'ite o& 'hysics" In other +or!s,
they +ante! #ysticis# as #eta/'hysics, +hich #eans
0beyon! 'hysics"0
An! as &or the atte#'t to s$''ort a 'artic$%ar re%i)io$s
+or%!(ie+ by inter'retations &ro# #o!ern 'hysics<
Einstein, re'resentin) the #a.ority o& these 'hysicists,
ca%%e! the +ho%e atte#'t 0re'rehensib%e"0 Schroe!in)er
act$a%%y ca%%e! it 0sinister,0 an! e1'%aine!- 07hysics has
nothin) to !o +ith it" 7hysics ta*es its start &ro# e(ery!ay
e1'erience, +hich it contin$es by #ore s$bt%e #eans" It
re#ains a*in to it, !oes not transcen! it )enerica%%y, it
cannot enter into another rea%# " " " beca$se Fre%i)ionsG
tr$e !o#ain is &ar beyon! anythin) in reach o& scienti&ic
e1'%anation"0 An! E!!in)ton +as !ecisi(e- 0I !o not s$))est
that the ne+ 'hysics 'ro(es re%i)ion or in!ee! )i(es any
'ositi(e )ro$n!s &or re%i)io$s &aith" "or my o%n part , am
%holly opposed to any such attempt0 4ita%ics his5"
Why< Si#'%y i#a)ine +hat +o$%! ha''en i& +e in!ee!
sai! that #o!ern 'hysics s$''orts #ysticis#" What
ha''ens, &or e1a#'%e, i& +e say that to!ays 'hysics is in
'er&ect a)ree#ent +ith B$!!has en%i)hten#ent< What
ha''ens +hen to#orro+s 'hysics s$''%ants or re'%aces
to!ays 'hysics 4+hich it #ost !e&inite%y +i%%5< Does 'oor
B$!!ha then %ose his en%i)hten#ent< 3o$ see the 'rob%e#"
I& yo$ hoo* yo$r 6o! to to!ays 'hysics, then +hen that
'hysics s%i's, that 6o! s%i's +ith it" An! that is +hat
concerne! these #ystica% 'hysicists" They +ante! neither
'hysics !istorte! nor #ysticis# chea'ene! by a shot)$n
+e!!in)"
Treya +atche! a%% this +ith )reat interest 2 she soon
beca#e #y best e!itor an! #ost tr$ste! critic" This +as a
'artic$%ar%y satis&yin) boo*" Treya an! I +ere both
#e!itators, that is, +e both share! a conte#'%ati(e or
#ystica% +or%!(ie+, an! o$r #e!itation 'ractice +as a
!irect +ay to 'ractice )oin) beyon! in!i(i!$a%ity, )oin)
beyon! e)o, an! !isco(erin) a Se%& an! So$rce beyon! the
#$n!ane" That so #any o& the +or%!s )reat 'hysicists +ere
a%so o$ts'o*en #ystics +as a )reat s$''ort" I ha! %on) a)o
!eci!e! that there +ere t+o ty'es o& 'eo'%e +ho be%ie(e!
in $ni(ersa% S'irit 2 those +ho +ere not too bri)ht 4e")", Ora%
Roberts5, an! those +ho +ere e1tre#e%y bri)ht 4e")",
Einstein5" Those in bet+een #a!e it a 'oint o& 0inte%%ect$a%0
#erit not to be%ie(e in 6o!, or anythin) transrationa% &or
that #atter" Any+ay, Treya an! I be%ie(e! in 6o!, as ones
o+n !ee'est 6ro$n! an! 6oa%, +hich #eant +e +ere either
(ery bri)ht or s%i)ht%y !$#b" An! by 06o!0 I !o not #ean an
anthro'o#or'hic &ather &i)$re 4or #other &i)$re5, b$t rather
a '$re a+areness, or conscio$sness as s$ch, that is %hat
there is an! all there is, a conscio$sness that one c$%ti(ates
in #e!itation an! act$a%i8es in !ai%y %i&e" This #ystica%
$n!erstan!in) +as abso%$te%y centra% to Treya, an! to #e,
an! to o$r %i&e to)ether"
Treya +atche! the asse#b%y o& this boo* +ith #$ch
a#$se#ent, too" She !eci!e! that, +hate(er e%se I +as
!oin), I +as a%so tryin) to !$c* #y res'onsibi%ities &or the
$'co#in) +e!!in)" 7robab%y tr$e"
My connection +ith Treya contin$e! to !ee'en, i& that
+ere 'ossib%e" We +ere +ay, +ay, +ay 0beyon! 'hysics09
Lo(e is a ti#e/honore! +ay to transcen! the se'arate/se%&
sense an! %ea' into the s$b%i#e, Treya an! I he%! han!s,
c%ose! o$r eyes, an! .$#'e!"
Loo*in) bac* on it, +e ha! these &o$r 'iti&$%%y short
#onths to ce#ent o$r re%ationshi' be&ore cr$e% !isaster
+o$%! stri*e" The bon! +e &or#e! in those &e+ ecstatic
#onths +o$%! ha(e to %ast $s thro$)h the ens$in) &i(e
years o& a ni)ht#arish to$r thro$)h #e!ica% he%%" The or!ea%
+as so )r$e%in) that e(ent$a%%y Treya an! I both bro*e" O$r
%o(e a%#ost shattere!, on%y to res$r&ace an! %itera%%y '$t $s
both bac* to)ether"
In the #eanti#e +e +ere ca%%in) an! +ritin) o$r &rien!s,
+ho +ere *in! an! 'atient +ith t+o 'eo'%e +ho ha!
ob(io$s%y )one star* ra(in) berser*" My &rien!s too* one
%oo* at Treya an! ha! no tro$b%e $n!erstan!in) +hy I +as
babb%in) an! s'ittin) $' on #yse%&" Treyas &rien!s, +ho ha!
ne(er seen her babb%e o(er anythin), &o$n! the +ho%e
sit$ation i##ense%y en.oyab%e" I +as $ncharacteristica%%y
short/s'o*en, Treya $ncharacteristica%%y %on)/+in!e!"
M$ir Beach
Se'te#ber 2, :EBC
Dear Bob,
I%% #a*e this short" I(e &o$n! her" I# not s$re e1act%y
+hat that #eans, b$t I(e &o$n! her" Her na#e is Terry
;i%%a#, an! shes, +e%% " " " Shes )or)eo$s, inte%%i)ent, e(en
bri%%iant, carin), %o(in), +ar#, co#'assionate, " " " !i! I say
)or)eo$s< !i! I say bri%%iant< " " " an! so#ethin) e%se- she
has #ore co$ra)e an! inte)rity than any 'erson 4#a%e or
&e#a%e5 I(e e(er *no+n" I !ont *no+, Bob, I! &o%%o+ this
+o#an any+here" Shes not that bri)ht, act$a%%y, beca$se
she &ee%s the sa#e +ay abo$t #e" Ten !ays a&ter +e #et I
as*e! her to #arry #e" 3o$ be%ie(e that< She sai! yes, yo$
be%ie(e thatN We!!in) in(ite to &o%%o+" Brin) a &rien!, i& yo$
can &in! one"
Later,
;en
7"S"
I *no+ yo$%% be there on the secon! !ay, i& there is one"
M$ir Beach
Se'te#ber 2H, :EBC
Dear A%yson,
We%%, %o(e, I(e &ina%%y &o$n! hi#" Re#e#ber those
%ists +e #a!e, +e%%/%$bricate! +ith sherry, o$r 0+ish/%ist0
&or the 'er&ect #an< Ho+ #any years a)o +as that an!
+hat !ea!%ine !i! I choose< Who *no+s "" " an! I ha!
%on) a)o )i(en $'" I ne(er, e(er tho$)ht anythin) %i*e
this +o$%! ha''en to #e"
His na#e is ;en Wi%ber 2 yo$(e 'robab%y hear! o& his
+ritin)s an! #ay ha(e rea! so#e o& his boo*s" He +rites
abo$t conscio$sness an! trans'ersona% 'sycho%o)y an!
his boo*s are $se! a )reat !ea% at (ario$s $ni(ersities
4inc%$!in) #ine, the Ca%i&ornia Instit$te o& Inte)ra%
St$!ies5" I& yo$ ha(ent rea! his st$&& I thin* yo$! be
intereste!, an! I%% sen! yo$ so#e o& his boo*s" Hes
consi!ere! by #any to be the %ea!in) theorist in
trans'ersona% st$!ies" ;en .o*es that 0bein) ca%%e! the
&ore#ost theorist in trans'ersona% 'sycho%o)y is %i*e
bein) ca%%e! the ta%%est b$i%!in) in ;ansas City"0
Meetin) hi# #a!e #e rea%i8e that insi!e I ha! 'retty
#$ch !eci!e! I +o$%! ne(er &in! anyone I +ante! to
#arry an! +o$%! carry on thro$)h %i&e in #y o%!,
co#&ortab%e, in!e'en!ent sty%e" I(e ne(er e(en
consi!ere! #arryin) so#eone be&ore, e(en tho$)h I a#
thirty/si1, an! then a%on) co#es Mr" ;en Wi%ber9
We &ee% %i*e +e(e been to)ether &ore(er" I ha(e
ne(er &e%t s$ch a connection +ith any #an be&ore in #y
%i&e, its as i& the (ery ce%%s o& #y bein) are connecte! to
hi#, an! as i& that *in! o& connection is si#'%y the #ost
concrete an! i##e!iate e1'ression o& a connection
bet+een $s that e1ists on a%% %e(e%s, e(en the #ost
s$bt%e" I ha(e ne(er &e%t so %o(e! an! acce'te!, or so
%o(in) an! acce'tin) o& another 'erson, in #y %i&e" He is
!e&inite%y the #an &or #e9 Act$a%%y, the har!est thin) &or
#e +as )ettin) $se! to the &act that he sha(es his hea!
4hes a Len B$!!hist an! has been 'racticin) #e!itation
&or t+e%(e or thirteen years, an! he )ot in the habit o&
sha(in) his hea!5" Hes thirty/&o$r years o%!, si1/&oot/
&o$r, thin, +ith a bea$ti&$% an! (ery c%ear &ace an! a
+on!er&$% bo!y" I%% try to enc%ose a 'ict$re, an! I%% a%so
sen! yo$ so#e o& his boo*s"
/ =in!in) hi# a%so #a!e #e &ee% so#e+hat (in!icate!
" " " that so$n!s %i*e a stron) +ay to !escribe it, b$t its
the sense I ha!" That &o%%o+in) #y o+n inner sense o&
!irection, as con&$se! as it #ay ha(e %oo*e! on the
s$r&ace, rea%%y +as %ea!in) #e so#e+here" The sense
+e ha(e is that +e(e *no+n each other be&ore an! ha(e
been %oo*in) &or each other a)ain in this %i&eti#e" """ I
!ont *no+ i& I be%ie(e that +ay o& !escribin) thin)s
act$a%%y, b$t its an acc$rate #eta'hor &or ho+ +e &ee%"
He !oes &ee% %i*e #y so$%#ate, corny as that +or!
so$n!s" Bein) +ith ;en is &i%%in) $' so#e o& those inner
'%aces o& se%&/!o$bt an! !o$bt o& the $ni(erse" I ha(e
)reat res'ect &or his +or* an! his inte%%i)ence, an! I %o(e
the +ay his inte%%i)ence sho+s thro$)h in a%% as'ects o&
his %i&e" Hes a%so )ot an incre!ib%e sense o& h$#or 2 he
*ee's #e %a$)hin) a%% the ti#e9 2 an! a %i)htness abo$t
ho+ he %i(es his %i&e, +hich is )oo! &or #e" I &ee% (ery
%o(e! an! reco)ni8e! by hi#, in a +ay I(e ne(er
e1'erience! be&ore" He is the #ost %o(in), *in!,
s$''orti(e #an I(e e(er *no+n" The re%ationshi' &ee%s
(ery nat$ra%, (ery easy, not a %ot o& iss$es to +or*
thro$)h" More %i*e, oh, there yo$ are, I(e been %oo*in)
&or yo$" We #a*e a )reat tea# an! I# rea%%y e1cite! to
see ho+ o$r %i(es to)ether sha'e $' in the &$t$re" An
a#a8in) tho$)ht to %oo* ahea! t+enty years an! *no+
+e%% sti%% be to)ether " " " >$ite an a!(ent$re9 I# rea%%y
%oo*in) &or+ar! to a %on) %i&e +ith hi#"
I cant >$ite be%ie(e it so#eti#es, I !ont rea%%y tr$st
the $ni(erse to %et it ha''en, %i*e so#ethin) #i)ht
chan)e, etc" B$t +e &ee% (ery co##itte! to each other
an! I thin* it +i%% be &ascinatin) to +atch the re%ationshi'
an! o$r +or* ta*e sha'e o(er the years" Hes 'retty
#$ch #o(e! in a%rea!y an! '%ans are #o(in) &or the
+e!!in), +hich see#s o!!, too, to be '%annin) a
+e!!in)" We &ee% a%rea!y #arrie!, rea%%y, an! the
cere#ony &ee%s %i*e its #ost%y &or the &a#i%y"
We%%, %o(e, thats #y bi) ne+s" A%% I(e been !oin)
%ate%y is han)in) o$t +ith ;en an! *ee'in) $' +ith #y
co$nse%in) c%ients" Its %ate no+ an! I# tire!" I%% te%% yo$
#ore +hen I see yo$ """ at #y +e!!in)9
Lo(e,
Terry
, !eep loo!ing at my left shoulder, staring actually,
because , can't see anything3 , thin! Treya is probably
!idding; , don't !no% her that %ell3 57ou mean, you
figurati#ely see it35
5, don't !no% %hat it means, but , definitely sa% a figure
of death sitting on your left shoulder, 8ust as plainly as ,'m
no% loo!ing at your face3 ,t loo!ed li!e, , don't !no%, li!e a
blac! gremlin, 8ust sitting there, smiling35
57ou're sure this doesn't happen to you often65
5/e#er3 ,'m sure35
5Why my left shoulder6 Why me65 This is starting to get
a little bi4arre3 With no light in the room e2cept that cast by
the d%indling fire, it's also slightly eerie3
5, don't !no%3 'ut it seems #ery important3 ,'m serious35
She is so earnest , cannot help it1 once again , actually
loo! at my left shoulder3 .nce again , see nothing3
A #onth be&ore the cere#ony, Treya +ent in &or a
'hysica%"
So here I %ie on #y !octors e1a#ination tab%e, %e)s
s'rea! +i!e, a +hite sheet !ra'e! o(er #y *nees,
e1'ose! to the coo% air an! the !octors 'robin) han!s 2
the c%assic 'osition &or a )yneco%o)ica% e1a#" Ha(in) a
)enera% 'hysica% see#s %i*e a )oo! i!ea at this ti#e,
since I# .$st abo$t to be #arrie!" My 'arents ha(e
these chec*$'s re)$%ar%y, I ha(e the# irre)$%ar%y" O&
co$rse, I &ee% &ine" I(e a%+ays been hea%thy as a, 'ar!on
the e1'ression, horse" I ass$#e ;en is )ettin) a hea%thy
+i&e" I (is$a%i8e an A&rican chie&tain e1a#inin) a )ir%s
teeth an! shins be&ore a''ro(in) the #arria)e +ith his
son"
My hea! is &$%% o& '%ans an! >$estions- +here to ho%!
the +e!!in), ho+ #any to in(ite, +hat crysta% an! china
'atterns to se%ect, a%% the earthsha*in) iss$es that #$st
be !eci!e! be&ore this $nion can be sancti&ie!" Theres
not #$ch ti#e &or a%% these 're'arations" We !eci!e! to
)et #arrie! abo$t a +ee* a&ter +e &irst #et an! set the
!ate &or three #onths a&ter that"
The !octors e1a#ination contin$es" He is no+ 'o*in)
an! '$shin) #y ab!o#en an! #y sto#ach" Hes a nice
#an, a nice !octor" I %i*e hi# a %ot" Hes a )enera%
'ractitioner an! intereste! in hea%th on a%% %e(e%s, so he
not on%y 'ractices as an M"D" b$t as a thera'ist" This
sho+s in the +ay he +or*s +ith his 'atients, in the
at#os'here in his o&&ice" A nice #an"
No+ hes e1a#inin) #y breasts" =irst the %e&t one"
Theyre bi) breasts, ha(e been e(er since I +as abo$t
t+e%(e" I re#e#ber bein) a&rai! they +o$%!nt )ro+,
ti#es I sat in a batht$b +ith a )ir% &rien!, both o& $s
#assa)in) an! '$%%in) on o$r ni''%es to hasten o$r
'ro)ress into +o#anhoo!" They !i! )ro+, s$!!en%y an!
too #$ch, a sit$ation that beca#e ob(io$s at a s$##er
ca#' +hen I ha! to borro+ a +e%%/$se! bra" My breasts 2
s$ch an e#barrass#ent so #any ti#es" When I +as
yo$n) boys acci!enta%%y br$she! $' a)ainst #e on
$ncro+!e! to+n streets" When I +as o%!er, #ens eyes
see#e! $nab%e to &oc$s on #y &ace" B%o$ses '$%%
bet+een the b$ttons in &ront, c%othes that %oo*e! )oo!
on others !ont on #e, o(erb%o$ses #a*e #e %oo* &at or
're)nant, t$c*in) b%o$ses in #a*es #e %oo* &at an!
b$sty" A%% #y %i&e I(e been +hat I %earne! #en re&er to as
a &o$r/hoo* +o#an" Bra stra's c$t into #y sho$%!ers"
They !ont #a*e 'retty, %acy, se1y bras in #y si8e" I
a%+ays ha(e to +ear a bra, an! I nee! an es'ecia%%y
stron) one to )o ri!in) or .o))in)" Bi*inis an! e(en t+o
'iece s$its, +hen I can &in! the# in #y si8e, %oo*, in #y
eyes, obscene" One 'iece s$its ne(er )i(e #e eno$)h
s$''ort"
B$t I )ot $se! to the a!.$st#ents this 'ec$%iarity
re>$ires an! )re+ to %i*e #y breasts" They are so&t an!
&ir# an! rather 'retty, in a 7%ayboy #a)a8ine *in! o&
+ay" A''arent%y I inherite! this trait &ro# #y &athers
#other" I# the on%y one o& the &o$r +o#en in #y &a#i%y
+ith this 'rob%e#" Mother once s$))este! I ha(e #y
breasts re!$ce!" I thin* she +as concerne! abo$t #y
'rob%e#s in &in!in) c%othes" I tho$)ht this +as
$nnecessary, b$t I +ent to see a '%astic s$r)eon #any
years a)o" The !octor e1'%aine! the s$r)ica% 'roce!$re
b$t a)ree! +ith #e" My breasts +ere bi), b$t not bi)
eno$)h to +arrant s$ch !rastic #eas$res"
No+ the !octor be)ins e1a#inin) #y ri)ht breast" A
care&$% e1a#ination, the *in! I sho$%! )i(e #yse%& each
#onth" I (a)$e%y re#e#ber bein) to%! to !o breast se%&/
e1a#inations, b$t I# >$ite certain that I +as ne(er
ta$)ht ho+ to !o it" My !octor contin$e! his
e1a#ination"
0Do yo$ *no+ yo$ ha(e a %$#' in yo$r ri)ht breast<0
What< A %$#'< 0Why no, I !i!nt *no+"0
0Its ri)ht here, in the %o+er o$ter >$a!rant o& yo$r
ri)ht breast" 3o$ sho$%! be ab%e to &ee% it easi%y"0
He )$i!es #y han! to the area" 3es, I can &ee% it
easi%y" Too easi%y" It +o$%! ha(e been a cinch to &in!
so#ethin) this si8e i& I! on%y been %oo*in)" 0What !o yo$
thin* it is, !octor<0
0We%%, its &air%y %ar)e an! >$ite har!" B$t its not
attache! to the #$sc%e $n!erneath an! it #o(es easi%y"
My )$ess is +ith those characteristics an! in a +o#an
yo$r a)e its nothin) to +orry abo$t" It #ay be .$st a
cyst"0
0What !o yo$ thin* +e sho$%! !o<0 No #ention yet o&
the +or! cancer"
0Consi!erin) yo$r a)e, +hich #a*es it $n%i*e%y that
this is cancer, +hy !ont +e +ait a #onth an! see i& the
%$#' chan)es si8e< It co$%! chan)e +ith yo$r #enstr$a%
cyc%e" Co#e bac* an! see #e in a #onth"0
I a# re%ie(e!" I )et !resse!, say )oo!bye, an! %ea(e"
My hea! is &$%% o& +e!!in) '%ans, 'eo'%e to ca%%, !ecisions
to #a*e" I# a%so +or*in) on a #asters !e)ree in
'sycho%o)y an! co$nse%in), so theres rea!in) an!
st$!yin) an! +or* at the co$nse%in) center to !o" 3et
$n!erneath it a%% no+ %ies this co%! c$rrent o& &ear" Co$%!
this be breast cancer< I *ne+ I +as a&rai!" It +as not
anythin) I co$%! '$t into +or!s, .$st a &ee%in) o& !rea!, o&
so#eho+ *no+in)" Was this a 're#onition< Or +as it
si#'%y the &ear any +o#an +o$%! &ee% at s$ch a ti#e< I
b$sy #yse%& +ith a%% there is to !o at this e1citin) ti#e"
Sti%%, sti%%, I &in! #y &in)ers &$rti(e%y reachin) &or that
har!, !e&inite, $nchan)in) %$#'" A%as, its a%+ays there"
Wa%*in) bris*%y thro$)h !o+nto+n San =rancisco +hi%e
sho''in) &or +e!!in) shoes 2 its sti%% there" Sittin) in a
'sycho%o)y c%ass at )ra!$ate schoo% 2 sti%% there" Sittin)
at #y !es* #a*in) 'hone ca%%s to arran)e thin)s &or the
+e!!in) 2 sti%% there" Ri)ht +here #y breast to$ches the
&$ton as I %ie each ni)ht ne1t to #y h$sban!/to/be,
sn$))%in) into #y &a(orite '%ace +ith his %on) ar#s
+ra''e! aro$n! #e 2 sti%% there"
I tho$)ht the %$#' +as nothin)" It +as e1tre#e%y har!,
%i*e a roc*, +hich +as ba!, b$t it +as sy##etrica% an!
!etache!, +hich +as )oo!" An! any+ay, there +as on%y a
one in ten chance it +as cancer" A%% o& o$r &rien!s tho$)ht it
+as nothin)" Besi!es, +e +ere in %o(e" What co$%! 'ossib%y
)o +ron)< The on%y thin) on o$r hori8on +as a +e!!in),
&o%%o+e! by 0%i(e! ha''i%y e(er a&ter"0
I r$she! aro$n!, )ettin) thin)s rea!y &or the +e!!in)
three +ee*s a+ay" It +as incre!ib%y e1citin), I +as so
s$re, tho$)h sti%% ner(o$s" Here I +as, 're'arin) &or an
e(ent I ha! no i!ea +o$%! be so co#'%icate!" An!
occasiona%%y I! &ee% shootin) 'ains in #y ri)ht breast
an! +orry, &ee% a)ain &or that har!, s#ooth %$#' an!
+on!er"
There +as a %ot to !o" We! recent%y ret$rne! &ro# a
>$ic* tri' to the East Coast to #eet ;ens 'arents" My
'arents ca#e $' &or a +ee*en! o& 're'arations, he%'in)
$s sco$t 'ossib%e %ocations &or the cere#ony, he%'in) #e
choose the en)ra(in) &or the in(itations"
We co$%! ha(e +aite!, o& co$rse" I! a%+ays +ante! to
be #arrie! in a )reen #o$ntain #ea!o+ in the Co%ora!o
Roc*ies, i& that $ne1'ecte! e(ent e(er too* '%ace" B$t I
!i!nt +ant to +ait $nti% ne1t s$##er, e(en i& it #eant
bein) #arrie! in the sa#e #onth as #y birth!ay, an!
t$c*e! in bet+een Than*s)i(in) an! Christ#as" It +o$%!
be nice to ce%ebrate o$r anni(ersary in a %ess cro+!e!
#onth, to be s$re" B$t I +as in a h$rry" I re#e#ber
sayin), 0=or so#e reason, I see# to be in a rea% h$rry to
)et #arrie!"0 I re#e#ber that !istinct%y, e(en be&ore the
%$#' +as !isco(ere!"
So, a&ter a%% those years o& &ears that I +as searchin)
&or i#'ossib%e 'er&ection or +as secret%y a&rai! to #a*e
a co##it#ent, +e +ere #arrie!" I! *no+n ;en %ess
than &o$r #onths, b$t I +as s$re" He +his'ere!
+on!er&$% thin)s to #e in the %i#o$sine on o$r +ay to
the cere#ony, abo$t searchin) &or #e &or %i&eti#es,
s%ayin) !ra)ons to &in! #e, ro#antic, 'oetic, %o(e%y
thin)s that &e%t !ee'%y tr$e" I +as e(en a %itt%e
e#barrasse! beca$se I +on!ere! i& #y #other an!
&ather co$%! hear too"
O$r +e!!in) !ay +as a bea$ti&$%%y c%ear, bri%%iant%y
s$nny !ay, the &irst nice !ay a&ter a +ee* o& +i%!,
b%$stery stor#s" E(erythin) )%istene! in the s$nshine,
the air itse%& see#e! &$%% o& %i)ht" A #a)ica% !ay" We +ere
#arrie! by t+o !ear &rien!s, Da(i! Wi%*inson, a
Metho!ist #inister I! *no+n !$rin) #y years at
=in!horn, an! =ather Michae% Ab!o, the abbot o& a
Catho%ic #onastery near #y 're(io$s ho#e in Co%ora!o"
4When ;en an! I +ere en)a)e!, I sent =ather Michae% a
bo1 o& ;ens boo*s, a%on) +ith a %etter sayin) +e +ere
)ettin) #arrie!" =ather Michae% o'ene! the bo1 an!
sai!, 0Oh, I see Terry has !isco(ere! #y &a(orite +riter"0
Then he o'ene! the %etter an! sai!, 0Oh, I see Terry is
marrying #y &a(orite +riter"05 My Metho!ist &rien!
re#in!e! $s that #arria)e co$%! be a 'rison 2 behin! $s
A%catra8 rose o$t o& the )%istenin) San =rancisco Bay 2 or
brin) bea$ty an! &ree!o#, an! he )est$re! to+ar! the
s+ee'in) arch o& the 6o%!en 6ate Bri!)e .oinin) t+o
'ieces o& %an!, as +e +ere that !ay .oine!"
The rece'tion +as )reat &$n, #in)%in) &a#i%ies an!
&rien!s +ith the re>$isite co'io$s a#o$nts o&
cha#'a)ne an! assorte! )oo!ies" I %i*e! +hat I$!ith
S*$tch, '$b%isher o& * (ourse in $iracles, sai!- 0This is a
#arria)e #a!e by roya%ty90 I +as !e%irio$s9 I +ishe!
a&ter+ar! that I ha! sto''e! &or a &e+ #o#ents !$rin)
the +hir% o& thin)s to %et it a%% sin* in" An! that ni)ht I
s%e't c$r%e! in #y h$sban!s ar#s, e%ate! an!
e1ha$ste!"
That !ay an! the ne1t there +asnt ti#e &or &ear, nor
ti#e to chec* &or the %$#'" By no+ #y initia% sense that
there #i)ht in!ee! be so#ethin) +ron) ha! &a!e! as
others reass$re! #e an! +e!!in) '%ans en)$%&e! #e" I
&e%t >$ite care&ree as I ret$rne! to the !octors &or
another chec*"
O$r Ha+aiian honey#oon +as '%anne! &or t+o +ee*s
%ater, since Treya ha! to &inish c%asses an! ta*e &ina% e1a#s"
A%#ost e(erybo!y ha! >$it +orryin) by then"
0We%%, its sti%% there" Doesnt %oo* %i*e its chan)e! at
a%%,0 #y !octor says" 0Ha(e yo$ notice! any chan)es<0
0Not in its si8e or the +ay it &ee%s, no" I ha(e notice!
so#e shootin) 'ains in #y breast that I !ont re#e#ber
be&ore, b$t theyre in other 'arts o& the breast" I sti%%
!ont &ee% anythin) aro$n! the %$#',0 I ans+er" Theres
si%ence &or a ti#e" I can &ee% the +hee%s t$rnin) as #y
!octor 'on!ers +hat to !o"
0We%%,0 he &ina%%y says" 0This is a !i&&ic$%t case to ca%%" I
!ont thin* the %$#' is anythin), 'robab%y .$st a cyst"
The +ay it &ee%s, yo$r a)e, yo$r hea%th, e(erythin) %ea!s
#e to thin* its nothin)" B$t, a)ain beca$se o& yo$r a)e,
I thin*, .$st to be s$re, yo$ sho$%! ha(e it ta*en o$t" Its
the sa&est co$rse"0
0O;, i& yo$ say so" I(e )ot '%enty o& s'are breast
tiss$e9 When !o yo$ thin* I sho$%! ha(e it !one< ;en
an! I %ea(e &or o$r honey#oon in a +ee* an! +e%% be
)one t+o +ee*s o(er Christ#as" Can it +ait three
+ee*s<0 I a# #ost%y concerne! +ith tra(e% '%ans"
03es, I thin* so" No !an)er in +aitin) three +ee*s" It%%
be nicer not to ha(e an incision +ith stitches to +orry
abo$t on yo$r honey#oon any+ay,0 he says" 0I! a%so
%i*e yo$ to see another !octor, a s$r)eon, &or a secon!
o'inion" Heres his na#e" His o&&ice is c%ose to Marin
6enera%"0
Thin*in) (ery %itt%e o& a%% this 2 a&ter a%%, I# on%y
ta*in) the necessary 'reca$tions 2 I &in! #yse%& the ne1t
!ay in this s$r)eons o&&ice" He e1a#ines the %$#' an!
#y breast care&$%%y" He has #e raise #y han! abo(e #y
hea!, tense #y #$sc%es, then '$t #y han!s on #y
*nees +ith #y e%bo+s o$t an! tense the #$sc%es" He
%oo*s care&$%%y at the s*in o(er the %$#'" I !ont *no+ it
at the ti#e, b$t there are +ays to )$ess &ro# this *in! o&
e1terna% e1a#ination i& a %$#' #i)ht be #a%i)nant or
not" I& #a%i)nant there is o&ten a s%i)ht '$c*erin) o& the
s*in o(er the %$#'" Since #y s*in !oes not !o that an!
the %$#' is $nattache! to anythin), this !octor a%so &ee%s
that it is 'robab%y .$st a cyst" He 'rocee!s to try to
as'irate the %$#', so$n!in) >$ite con&i!ent" =or this
'roce!$re a +i!e nee!%e is $se!, i& the %$#' is a &%$i!/
&i%%e! cyst, the &%$i! is !raine! o$t thro$)h the nee!%e
an! (oi%a, on%y secon!s %ater no %$#'" B$t +hen he tries
this +ith #y %$#', the nee!%e .a#s $' a)ainst
so#ethin) har!" The !octor see#s s$r'rise! an! s%i)ht%y
start%e!" Oh, he says, it #$st a&ter a%% be a &ibroa!eno#a,
a beni)n )ro+th" He reco##en!s ha(in) it re#o(e!,
an! he a%so thin*s it +o$%! be &ine to +ait $nti% a&ter o$r
three +ee* honey#oon?Christ#as tri' to ha(e the
'roce!$re !one" So I +a%* o$t o& that o&&ice +ith a br$ise
on #y breast an! the %$#' sti%% insi!e"" " "
So that !eci!e! it" The !octors +ere con(ince! the %$#'
+as nothin) to +orry abo$t, e(en tho$)h it sho$%! be
re#o(e!, an! so e(erybo!y 'retty #$ch sto''e! +orryin)"
E1ce't S$e, Treyas #other"
Mother is >$ite insistent" She +ants #e to see an
onco%o)ica% s$r)eon, so#eone +ho s'ecia%i8es in cancer,
&or yet a thir! o'inion" This is in s'ite o& the &act that +e
%ea(e on o$r honey#oon in &o$r !ays an! I ha(e t+o
&ina% e1a#s be&ore then" I resist, then re%$ctant%y a)ree"
A&ter a%%, she *no+s +hereo& she s'ea*s" This is the
sa#e #other +ho &i&teen years be&ore shoc*e! an!
&ri)htene! the +ho%e &a#i%y +hen it +as !isco(ere! she
ha! co%on cancer"
I re#e#ber +e%% the abso%$te terror an! con&$sion o&
the !ays s$rro$n!in) the !isco(ery an! her o'eration,
+hich ha''ene! the s$##er a&ter I )ra!$ate! &ro#
co%%e)e" I re#e#ber +e%% ho+ shoc*e! an! !a8e! an!
so#eho+ $nco#'rehen!in) +e a%% +ere, +an!erin)
)%assy/eye! aro$n! the h$)e co#'%e1 o& M" D" An!erson
Cancer Center in Ho$ston" I re#e#ber +e%% Mother in her
hos'ita% be!, t$bes see#in)%y co#in) to an! &ro#
e(ery+here" It a%% see#s %i*e a b%$r to #e no+, the r$sh
ho#e, the &ee%in) o& not *no+in), the &%i)ht to Ho$ston
an! M" D" An!erson Hos'ita%, the hote% roo#, #y !ear
&ather 'acin) $' an! !o+n in the roo#, in the 'ar*in)
%ot, in the hos'ita%, tryin) to ta*e care o& Mo#, tryin) to
e1'%ain to $s, %i(in) +ith his o+n &ear, #a*in) a%% the
arran)e#ents an! !ecisions" So#eho+ I !ont thin* it
e(er rea%%y hit #e, the serio$sness o& it a%%" I +ent
thro$)h the +ho%e thin) in a !a8e" I !i!nt rea%%y
$n!erstan! +hat cancer +as" Not then, not e(en +hen
+e (isite! Mo# a&ter the o'eration, sti%% )ro))y &ro# the
se!ati(e, not e(en +hen I &e%t the tension an! &ear in the
ho$se )o $' each ti#e she ret$rne! to M" D" An!erson
&or a chec*$' o(er the &o%%o+in) years"
No+ its &i&teen years %ater" Shes 'asse! each
chec*$'" An! each ti#e o$r &a#i%y +o$%! breathe a
co%%ecti(e si)h o& re%ie&" Each ti#e the %e(e% o& &ear +o$%!
!ro' .$st a bit" The +or%! see#e! a %itt%e #ore stab%e, a
%itt%e #ore tr$st+orthy" I +orrie! %ess abo$t +hat Da!!y
+o$%! !o +itho$t Mother, they +ere so c%ose I si#'%y
co$%!nt i#a)ine either o& the# %i(in) +itho$t the other" I
ne(er once tho$)ht to +orry abo$t +hat it #i)ht be %i*e
&or Mother to !ie &ro# cancer" I *ne+ too %itt%e then to
+orry abo$t s$ch thin)s" At %east #y i)norance sa(e!
#e $nnecessary +orry, &or here she +as &i&teen years
%ater, &ee%in) &ine an! so$n!in) >$ite a!a#ant abo$t #y
)ettin) yet a thir! o'inion"
This ti#e &ro# an onco%o)ist, a cancer s'ecia%ist"
7erha's I sho$%! co#e to M" D" An!erson< she s$))ests"
O(er the years #y 'arents ha! beco#e #ore in(o%(e! in
An!erson o$t o& )ratit$!e &or the e1ce%%ent care #y
#other ha! recei(e! an! o$t o& interest in s$''ortin)
cancer research" They ha! recent%y en!o+e! a chair &or
research into )enetics an! cancer"
B$t I +ant to )o to Ha+aii, not Ho$ston" I ca%% a co$sin
+ho is a )yneco%o)ist in the city to see i& he can
reco##en! an onco%o)ist" He !oes, an! I #a*e an
a''oint#ent" Mother +ants to *no+ #ore abo$t this
Doctor 7eter Richar!s be&ore t$rnin) #e o(er to hi#" It
t$rns o$t that Dr" Richar!s traine! at M" D" An!erson
+ith the s$r)eon +ho 'er&or#e! #y #others o'eration
&i&teen years ear%ier9 What %$c* " " " an! he co#es hi)h%y
reco##en!e! by M" D" An!erson" He +as one o& the
best to co#e a%on) in years, they say, an! they ha!
+ante! hi# to stay" B$t he ha! chosen to ret$rn to
Chi%!rens Hos'ita% in San =rancisco, +here his &ather
+as Chie& o& S$r)ery" Thats nice, I *ee' thin*in)" I %i*e
that to$ch, an! #other is satis&ie!"
The ne1t !ay I &in! #yse%& in the o&&ice o& 7eter
Richar!s" I %i*e hi# i##e!iate%y" Hes yo$n), 'ersonab%e,
an! ob(io$s%y (ery ca'ab%e" I &ee% co#&ortab%e in his
o&&ice, by contrast the %ast o&&ice I +as in see#s see!y,
o$t o& !ate" A&ter his e1a#ination o& the %$#' an! o&
both breasts, he too s$))ests re#o(a% o& the %$#'"
Ho+e(er, he !oes not +ant to +ait &or three +ee*s" He
&ee%s the %$#' sho$%! co#e o$t ri)ht a+ay" Its 'robab%y
nothin), he reass$res #e, b$t he%% &ee% #ore
co#&ortab%e ta*in) it o$t no+"
7erha's I# sti%% hi)h on the +e!!in), hi)h on bein) in
%o(e, hi)h on the tho$)ht o& Ha+aii" None o& this bothers
#e" We sche!$%e a %$#'ecto#y &or the ne1t !ay,
Th$rs!ay, at H-00 7"M", +hich +o$%! %ea(e .$st eno$)h
ti#e &or the %ab to e1a#ine a &ro8en section an! )i(e $s
a re'ort" Since this is sa#e/!ay s$r)ery +ith on%y a %oca%
anaesthetic, I ass$#e I%% &ee% .$st &ine &or #y &ina% e1a#
the &o%%o+in) #ornin)" We '%an on %ea(in) &or Ha+aii
ri)ht a&ter the e1a#"
0What i& theres a 'rob%e#<0 Dr" Richar!s as*s
!e%icate%y" 0Then +e +ont )o,0 I ans+er, ha''y in #y
i)norance" A&ter a &e+ +ee*s o& the cree'in), sha!o+y
&ear that &o%%o+e! the !isco(ery o& the %$#', I ha(e no+
a!o'te! the cheery attit$!e o& I%% !ea% +ith it +hen?i& it
ha''ens"
I s'en! the e(enin) an! #ost o& the ne1t !ay
're'arin) &or #y e1a#" ;en is +or*in) har! to &inish
O$ant$# O$estions" I a# so con&i!ent I te%% ;en he
!oesnt ha(e to co#e to the hos'ita% +ith #e, since I
!ont +ant to interr$'t his +or*" I# $se! to !oin) thin)s
on #y o+n, a&ter so #any years, +hat I# not $se! to is
as*in) 'eo'%e &or he%'" ;en is shoc*e! by #y s$))estion
that I )o a%one" I# secret%y re%ie(e! that hes co#in)
+ith #e"
Treya an! I ta%*e! o& Ha+aii on o$r +ay to Chi%!rens
Hos'ita%" We &o$n! the sa#e/!ay/s$r)ery section, an!
be)an the &or#a%ities" A%% o& a s$!!en I beca#e >$ite
a''rehensi(e an! ner(o$s" The 'roce!$re ha!nt e(en
be)$n, an! yet I &e%t so#ethin) +as terrib%y +ron)"
;en is #ore ner(o$s than I a#" I $n!ress, '$t on the
)o+n, %oc* #y c%othes a+ay, a# )i(en #y hos'ita% ID
brace%et" More +aitin) ti#e" A yo$n) Scan!ina(ian
!octor co#es by to as* so#e >$estions" He +i%% be
assistin) Dr" Richar!s, he says" His >$estions see#
innoc$o$s eno$)h, on%y %ater !o I $n!erstan! their
i#'ort"
0Ho+ o%! +ere yo$ +hen yo$ starte! #enstr$atin)<0
0I thin* &o$rteen" A bit %ater than #ost"0 4Wo#en +ho
be)in #enstr$atin) ear%y are at hi)her ris* &or breast
cancer"5 0Ha(e yo$ e(er ha! a chi%!<0
0No, I(e ne(er e(en been 're)nant"0 4Wo#en +ho
ha(e not ha! a chi%! by the a)e o& thirty are at hi)her
ris* &or breast cancer"5
0Has anyone in yo$r &a#i%y ha! breast cancer<0
0Not that I *no+ o&"0 4So#eho+ I ha! co#'%ete%y
&or)otten 2 b%oc*e!< 2 that #y #others sister ha! breast
cancer &i(e years ear%ier" She has been &ine since"
Wo#en +ith breast cancer in their &a#i%y are at hi)her
ris*"5
0Does the %$#' h$rt< Has it e(er h$rt<0
0No, ne(er"0 4Cancero$s %$#'s a%#ost ne(er h$rt"5
0Ho+ !o yo$ &ee% abo$t the o'eration< I& yo$ are
ner(o$s or a&rai! +e can )i(e yo$ so#ethin)"0
0That +ont be necessary" I &ee% &ine"0 4St$!ies ha(e
sho+n that +o#en +ho are #ost a&rai! be&ore ha(in) a
%$#'ecto#y &or s$s'ecte! #a%i)nancy are %ess %i*e%y to
ha(e cancer, those +ho are ca%# are #ore %i*e%y to ha(e
cancer"5
0Are yo$ both (e)etarians< I ha(e a theory that I can
te%% by the co%or o& 'eo'%es s*ins"0
03es, +e both are" I(e been a (e)etarian since :E@2,
o(er ten years"0 4A !iet hi)h in ani#a% &at 2 the ty'e o&
!iet I +as raise! on 2 has been i#'%icate! in breast
cancer"5
I soon &in! #yse%& &%at on #y bac* on a stretcher
bein) +hee%e! thro$)h ha%%+ays *no+n to #e on%y by
their cei%in)s" Whats the o''osite o& a bir!s eye (ie+<
beca$se thats +hat I ha(e &or the ne1t ho$r or so" The
o'eratin) roo# t$rns o$t to be s$r'risin)%y co%! 2 this
#a*es it %ess hos'itab%e to bacteria" A n$rse brin)s #e
another sheet, this one !e%icio$s%y +ar#, as i& &resh o$t
o& the o(en" I chat +ith the n$rse as she #a*es
're'arations, intereste! in a%% the 'rocee!in)s an!
+antin) an e1'%anation o& e(erythin)" She hoo*s #e $'
to the heart #onitor, e1'%ainin) that it +i%% so$n! an
a%ar# i& #y heartbeat &a%%s be%o+ si1ty" I te%% her #y
heartbeat is &air%y s%o+ any+ay an! she %o+ers the %e(e%
to &i&ty/si1"
There +e are, the &rien!%y n$rse, the nice
Scan!ina(ian !octor, an! #y 'a% Dr" Richar!s, ta%*in)
abo$t a%% sorts o& thin)s 2 (acations, s*iin), hi*in) 4+e a%%
%o(e the o$t!oors5, &a#i%ies, 'hi%oso'hies" A thin barrier
has been erecte! bet+een #y searchin) eyes an! the
arena o& action, #y ri)ht breast" I +ish I co$%! see +hats
)oin) on in a #irror so#eho+, then !eci!e that its
'robab%y too b%oo!y to see #$ch any+ay" The %oca%
anaesthetic )i(en ear%ier to #y o$ter, %o+er ri)ht breast
has ta*en e&&ect, tho$)h as Dr" Richar!s c$ts !ee'er a
&e+ #ore shots are nee!e!" My i#a)ination 'aints a
(i(i! b$t 'robab%y inacc$rate 'ict$re o& the 'rocee!in)s"
A &e+ ti#es the heart #onitor bee's to say #y '$%se is
be%o+ &i&ty/si1, so ca%# a# I" Dr" Richar!s #a*es a &e+
co##ents to the secon! !octor abo$t s$bc$taneo$s
stitchin) techni>$e, an! then it is a%% o(er"
B$t +hen I hear Dr" Richar!s say 0Ca%% Dr" P0 #y heart
s$!!en%y .$#'s" 0Is there anythin) +ron)<0 I as*, 'anic
in #y (oice an! #y heart s$!!en%y 'o$n!in) +ay 'ast
&i&ty/si1" 0Oh no,0 Dr" Richar!s says" 0Were .$st ca%%in)
&or the 'atho%o)ist +hos +aitin) to %oo* at the t$#or"0
I re%a1" A%% has )one nor#a%%y" I cant $n!erstan! +hy
I s$!!en%y 'anic*e! at that #o#ent" I a# $n+ra''e!,
c%eane! $', an! #o(e! to a +hee%chair &or #y ret$rn
.o$rney, &ee%in) #$ch %ess he%'%ess " than +hen &%at on
#y bac* b$t sti%% %ost in anony#o$s ha%%+ays" I a#
+hee%e! o$t to the n$rses !es* then )i(en yet #ore
'a'ers to &i%% o$t" I a# thin*in) o& #y test the ne1t !ay
+hen Dr" Richar!s sho+s $' to as* +here ;en is"
Dnconcerne!, I say hes in the +aitin) roo#"
I *ne+ Treya ha! cancer +hen I sa+ 7eter co#e !o+n
an! as* the !$ty n$rse &or a 'ri(ate con&erence roo#"
A &e+ #in$tes %ater the three o& $s are in a 'ri(ate
roo#" Dr" Richar!s #$#b%es so#ethin) %i*e I# sorry b$t
the t$#or is #a%i)nant" I a# shoc*e!, a%#ost &ro8en" I
!ont cry" In a !a8e! *in! o& ca%# I as* se(era% inte%%i)ent
>$estions, tryin) to ho%! on, not !arin) yet to %oo* at
;en" B$t +hen Dr" Richar!s %ea(es to ca%% a n$rse, then,
an! on%y then, I t$rn to %oo* at ;en, stric*en" I b$rst into
tears, e(erythin) !isso%(es aro$n! #e" So#eho+ I a#
o$t o& #y +hee%chair an! into his ar#s, sobbin),
sobbin)"
Stran)e thin)s ha''en to the #in! +hen catastro'he
stri*es" It &e%t %i*e the $ni(erse t$rne! into a thin 'a'er
tiss$e, an! then so#eone si#'%y tore the tiss$e in ha%& ri)ht
in &ront o& #y eyes" I +as so st$nne! that it +as as i&
abso%$te%y nothin) ha! ha''ene!" A tre#en!o$s stren)th
!escen!e! on #e, the stren)th o& bein) both tota%%y .o%te!
an! tota%%y st$'e&ie!" I +as c%ear, 'resent, an! (ery
!eter#ine!" As Sa#$e% Iohnson !ri%y co##ente!, the
'ros'ect o& !eath #ar(e%o$s%y concentrates the #in!" I &e%t
#ar(e%o$s%y concentrate!, a%% ri)ht, it +as on%y that o$r
$ni(erse ha! .$st been torn ri)ht !o+n the #i!!%e" The rest
o& the a&ternoon an! a%% o& that e(enin) $n&o%!e! in s%o+/
#otion &ree8e/&ra#es, one c%ear an! e1>$isite%y 'ain&$%
&ra#e a&ter the ne1t, no &i%ters, no 'rotection"
I on%y re#e#ber 'ieces o& the rest" ;en he%! #e +hi%e
I crie!" Ho+ &oo%ish I! been to e(en thin* o& co#in)
a%one9 It &e%t %i*e I crie! constant%y &or the ne1t three
!ays, not rea%%y $n!erstan!in) anythin)" Dr" Richar!s
ret$rne! to e1'%ain o$r a%ternati(es, so#ethin) abo$t
#astecto#y, ra!iation, i#'%antation, %y#'h no!es" He
ass$re! $s he !i!nt e1'ect $s to re#e#ber #$ch o& this
an! he! be )%a! to )o o(er it a)ain anyti#e" We ha! a
+ee* to ten !ays to thin* abo$t it an! #a*e $' o$r
#in!s" A n$rse &ro# the Breast Hea%th In&or#ation
Center arri(e! +ith a 'ac*et o& in&or#ation an! an
e1'%anation that +as too e%e#entary to be (ery
interestin), besi!es, +e +ere too !e(astate! to %isten"
I s$!!en%y +ante! o$t, o$t o& that hos'ita%, o$t into
the air, o$t +here thin)s s#e%%e! nor#a% a)ain an! no
one +ore +hite robes" So#eho+ I &e%t terrib%y %i*e
!a#a)e! )oo!s, %i*e I +ante! to a'o%o)i8e to ;en" Here
+as this +on!er&$% #an, #y h$sban! o& a #ere ten
!ays, an! his ne+ +i&e t$rns o$t to ha(e CANCER" Li*e
o'enin) a %on)/a+aite! 'resent on%y to &in! the %o(e%y
crysta% insi!e s#ashe!" It see#e! $n&air to b$r!en hi#
+ith so#ethin) this #a.or so soon in o$r #arrie! %i&e" It
.$st see#e! too #$ch to as* hi# to ha(e to !ea% +ith
this"
;en sto''e! that *in! o& thin*in) ri)ht a+ay" He
!i!nt #a*e #e &ee% si%%y &or thin*in) %i*e that" He
$n!erstoo! ho+ I #i)ht &ee% that +ay b$t sai! #y ha(in)
cancer #a!e no !i&&erence" 0I(e been %oo*in) &or yo$ &or
a)es, an! I# .$st )%a! to ha(e yo$" None o& this
#atters" I%% ne(er %et yo$ )o, I%% a%+ays be here +ith yo$"
3o$re not !a#a)e! )oo!s, yo$re #y +i&e, #y
so$%#ate, the %i)ht o& #y %i&e"0 He +asnt )oin) to %et #e
)o it a%one, no sense #y e(en tryin)" So there" No !o$bt
at a%% that he +o$%! be there &or #e in e(ery +ay
'ossib%e, as I &o$n! o$t in the %on) #onths ahea!" What
i& he! %et #e ta%* hi# o$t o& )oin) to the hos'ita% +ith
#e<
I re#e#ber !ri(in) ho#e" I re#e#ber ;en as*in) #e
i& I &e%t e#barrasse! at ha(in) cancer" I sai! no, that
e#otion ha!nt occ$rre! to #e" I !i!nt &ee% it +as #y
&a$%t in any !irect +ay, #ore the %$c* o& the !ra+ an! %i&e
in these #o!ern ti#es" One o$t o& &o$r A#ericans )ets
cancer, one o$t o& ten +o#en )ets breast cancer" B$t
#ost )et it +hen theyre o%!er" They $s$a%%y !ont e(en
be)in %oo*in) &or breast cancer in +o#en $nti% theyre
thirty/&i(e" I +as thirty/si1, .$st o(er the %ine" Ne(er rea%%y
hear! that bi), %$#'y breasts '$t yo$ at #ore ris*" B$t
ha(in) a chi%! be&ore yo$re thirty see#s to con&er so#e
*in! o& 'rotection " " " not that I co$%! ha(e !one #$ch
abo$t that, #y %i&e !e(e%o'in) as it !i!" Can .$st i#a)ine
the o'eratin) #an$a% &or )ir% babies !estine! to )ro+ bi)
breasts" Chec* 0Breasts, 'reca$tions0 in the in!e1 an!
&in!, a%on) +ith +arnin)s abo$t s$nb$rn an! c%an!estine
breast s>$ee8ers +ho o'erate in cro+!s, there! be this
reco##en!ation- 0a!(isab%e to $se &or ori)ina% !esi)n
'$r'oses be&ore the a)e o& thirty"0
We ret$rne! to o$r M$ir Beach ho#e, on%y to be &ace!
+ith the !i&&ic$%t tas* o& a%%/ni)ht 'hone ca%%s"
At ho#e I sat h$!!%e! on the co$ch, cryin)" Tears &e%t
%i*e an a$to#atic, *nee/.er*, re&%e1i(e res'onse to the
+or! CANCER, %i*e the on%y sane an! a''ro'riate
res'onse" I si#'%y sat there an! crie! as ;en ca%%e!
&a#i%y an! &rien!s +ith the ba! ne+s" So#eti#es I
sobbe!, so#eti#es the tears tric*%e! stea!i%y, I +as in
no sha'e to ta%* to anyone" ;en bac* an! &orth, h$))in)
#e, ta%*in) on the 'hone, h$))in) #e, ta%*in) on the
'hone" " " "
A&ter a +hi%e so#ethin) shi&te!" Se%&/'ity %ost its
sa(or" The !r$#beat o& CANCER/CANCER/CANCER
'o$n!in) in the bac* o& #y hea! beca#e %ess insistent"
Tears no %on)er satis&ie!, %i*e +hen yo$(e eaten too
#any coo*ies an! the taste is %ost" By the ti#e ;en
reache! the %ast &e+ 'eo'%e to ca%% I +as ca%# eno$)h to
ta%* a bit on the 'hone" That &e%t better than sittin) %i*e a
so!!en, %ea*in) %$#' on the co$ch" 0Why #e<0 +as a
>$estion that soon %ost its '$nch" 0What no+<0 re'%ace!
it"
The &ree8e/&ra#es c%ic*e! by, s%o+%y, 'ain&$%%y, (i(i!%y" A
&e+ 'hone ca%%s ca#e in &ro# the hos'ita%, a%% bearin) ba!
ne+s" The %$#' ha! been 2/K centi#eters, &air%y %ar)e" That
technica%%y '$t Treya in the sta)e t+o cate)ory, +hich
#eant a hi)her chance &or %y#'h no!e in(o%(e#ent" Worse,
the 'atho%o)y re'ort re(ea%e! that the ce%%s in the t$#or
+ere e1tre#e%y 'oor%y !i&&erentiate! 4+hich #eant,
basica%%y, (ery cancero$s5" On a sca%e &ro# one to &o$r, &o$r
bein) the +orst, Treya ha! a 'artic$%ar%y ba! )ra!e &o$r
t$#or 2 (icio$s, har! to *i%%, an! (ery &ast/)ro+in), tho$)h
at the ti#e +e $n!erstoo! (irt$a%%y none o& this"
A%tho$)h e(erythin) +as ha''enin) in 'ain&$%%y s%o+
#otion, each &ra#e containe! too #$ch e1'erience an! too
#$ch in&or#ation, +hich 'ro!$ce! the bi8arre sensation
that thin)s +ere ha''enin) both (ery ra'i!%y an! (ery
s%o+%y, so#eho+ at the sa#e ti#e" I *e't ha(in) the i#a)e
o& #yse%& '%ayin) baseba%%- I a# stan!in) there +ith #y
)%o(e on, +ith se(era% 'eo'%e thro+in) baseba%%s at #e,
+hich I a# s$''ose! to catch" B$t so #any ba%%s are bein)
thro+n at #e that they bo$nce o&& #y &ace an! bo!y an!
%an! on the )ro$n!, +hi%e I stan! there +ith a st$'i!/%oo*in)
e1'ression" 06ee, )$ys, +ant to s%o+ !o+n an! )i(e #e a
chance< No< """0 The ba!/ne+s 'hone ca%%s contin$e!"
Why co$%!nt so#eone ca%% +ith )oo! ne+s, I
tho$)ht< Isnt this eno$)h &or no+< Ho+ abo$t a ray o&
ho'e so#e+here< With each ca%% I +ent thro$)h a 'erio!
o& rene+e! se%&/'ity, +hy #e< I %et #yse%& react, an!
then a&ter so#e ti#e 'asse! I co$%! acce't the ne+s
ca%#%y as si#'%e &act$a% in&or#ation" This is the +ay it is"
I ha! a 2"K centi#eter %$#' re#o(e!" It +as in(asi(e
carcino#a" The ce%%s +ere 'oor%y !i&&erentiate!"
Thats a%% +e *ne+ &or no+"
It +as %ate" ;en +ent in the *itchen to )et $s so#e
tea" The +or%! %ay >$iet, restin), an! #y tears be)an
a)ain" O$iet tears, !es'airin) tears" This +as tr$e, this
+as rea%, this +as ha''enin) to #e" ;en ca#e bac* in,
%oo*e! at #e, !i!nt say a thin), sat !o+n, '$t his ar#s
aro$n! #e, he%! #e (ery ti)ht, +e stare! into the
!ar*ness, not sayin) a +or!"
3
ondemned to !eanin"
SDDDENL3, I AM AWA;E" Dneasy, !isoriente!" It #$st
be three or &o$r in the #ornin)" So#ethin) is terrib%y,
terrib%y +ron)" ;en breathes !ee'%y besi!e #e" The
ni)ht is !ar* an! sti%%, I can see the stars thro$)h the
s*y%i)ht" A terrib%e ache r$shes into #y heart, ti)htens
#y throat" =ear" O& +hat< I notice #y han!, restin) on
#y ri)ht breast, stro*in) the ban!a)es, sensin) the
stitches beneath" I re#e#ber" Oh no, no" My eyes
s>$ee8e sh$t, #y &ace contorts, #y throat c%oses in &ear"
3es, I re#e#ber" I !ont +ant to re#e#ber, I !ont +ant
to *no+" B$t here it is" Cancer" Cancer a+a*ens #e in
the sti%%ness o& this !ar* ni)ht, this &i&th ni)ht 'ast #y
+e!!in) ni)ht" I ha(e cancer" I ha(e breast cancer" A
har! %$#' +as re#o(e! &ro# #y ri)ht breast on%y ho$rs
a)o" It +as not beni)n I ha(e cancer"
This is rea%" This is ha''enin) to #e" I %ie in be! ri)i!
+ith shoc* an! !isbe%ie& as the +or%! %ies >$iet aro$n!
#e" ;en %ies ne1t to #e, I can &ee% his co#&ortin)
'resence, +ar# an! stron)" B$t s$!!en%y I &ee% terrib%y
a%one" I ha(e cancer" I ha(e breast cancer" I be%ie(e this
is tr$e an!, at the sa#e ti#e, I !o not be%ie(e it, I cannot
%et it in" An! yet this *no+%e!)e a+a*ens #e in the
ni)ht, it catches in #y throat an! %ea*s o$t o& #y eyes
an! sets #y heart 'o$n!in)" So %o$! in this sti%%, so&t
ni)ht +ith ;en breathin) !ee'%y besi!e #e"
3es, there it is, the &resh incision in #y breast"
Dn#ista*ab%e, $n!eniab%e" No, I cannot s%ee'" Not +ith
this ache in #y throat an! in #y chest, not +ith #y eyes
s>$ee8e! ti)ht a)ainst +hat I *no+ to be tr$e b$t cannot
acce't, not +ith this terrib%e &ear o& the $n*no+n #asse!
!ense%y a%% abo$t #e" What to !o< I )et $', cra+%in)
care&$%%y o(er ;en" He stirs, sett%es a)ain to a rest%ess
s%ee'" I can see !i#, &a#i%iar sha'es abo$t #e" The
ho$se is co%!" I &in! #y 'in* terryc%oth robe, +ra' #yse%&
in its co#&ortin) &a#i%iarity" It is Dece#ber an! +e ha(e
no centra% heatin) in this ho$se here on the e!)e o& the
7aci&ic" I hear the +a(es o& M$ir Beach brea*in) &ar
be%o+, )host%y in the ni)ht" I !o not b$i%! a &ire b$t +ra'
#yse%& in a b%an*et a)ainst the co%!"
No+ I a# a+a*e, terrib%y a+a*e" A%one +ith #y shoc*
an! #y &ear" What to !o< I# not h$n)ry, I cant
#e!itate, rea!in) see#s irre%e(ant" S$!!en%y I
re#e#ber the 'ac*a)e o& in&or#ation the n$rse )a(e
#e, the n$rse &ro# the Breast Hea%th E!$cation Center"
O& co$rse, o& co$rse" I%% rea! that" It see#s a %i&esa(er to
#e, so#ethin) re%e(ant to rea!, so#ethin) to ca%# #y
&ear, so#ethin) to re!$ce the i)norance that &ee!s the
&ear"
I c$r% $' on the co$ch, '$%%in) #y b%an*et ti)hter
aro$n! #e" A%% is >$iet, (ery sti%%" Ho+ #any other
+o#en, I +on!er, ha(e a%so a+a*ene! in the #i!!%e o&
this sa#e ni)ht +ith the sa#e star* *no+%e!)e< Ho+
#any a+a*ene! %ast ni)ht, ho+ #any +i%% a+a*en ni)hts
to co#e< Ho+ #any +o#en ha(e hear! this +or!
CANCER 'o$n!in) %i*e an en!%ess !r$#beat insi!e their
hea!s, re%ent%ess, $n&or)i(in)" CANCER" CANCER"
CANCER" This cannot be $n!one, this cannot be erase!"
CANCER" A c%o$! o& (oices, i#a)es, i!eas, &ears, stories,
'hoto)ra'hs, a!(ertise#ents, artic%es, #o(ies, te%e(ision
sho+s arises aro$n! #e, (a)$e, sha'e%ess, b$t !ense,
o#ino$s" These are the stories #y c$%t$re has co%%ecte!
aro$n! this thin), 0the bi) C"0 These (oices an! stories
an! i#a)es aro$n! #e are &$%% o& &ear an! 'ain an!
he%'%essness" This bi) C is not a )oo! thin)" Most !ie
&ro# it, the stories te%% #e, their !eaths o&ten 'rotracte!
an! 'ain&$%, terrib%e in!ee!" I !ont *no+ the !etai%s" I
*no+ (ery %itt%e abo$t cancer, rea%%y, b$t these stories
te%% #e it is terrib%e an! 'ain&$% an! $ncontro%%ab%e an!
#ysterio$s an! 'o+er&$%, es'ecia%%y in its #ystery" No
one $n!erstan!s it, this )ro+th )one o$t o& contro%" No
+ay to sto' it or !irect it or $%ti#ate%y to contain it" A
+i%!, b%in! )ro+th that $%ti#ate%y !estroys itse%& an! its
host +ith its (oracio$sness" B%in!, se%&/!estr$cti(e,
#a%e(o%ent" No one $n!erstan!s it, not ho+ it be)ins or
ho+ to sto' it"
An! this is +hat has been )ro+in) insi!e #e" I shi(er
s%i)ht%y, '$%%in) #y b%an*et ti)hter, +ra''in) #yse%& in a
cocoon a)ainst this terrib%e thin)" B$t it is here insi!e
#e, it has been here a%% the ti#e I &e%t so +e%%, a%% the
ti#e I ran t+e%(e #i%es a +ee*, a%% the ti#e I ate )oo!
&oo!, ra+ sa%a!s an! stea#e! (e)etab%es, a%% the ti#e I
#e!itate! re)$%ar%y, st$!ie!, %e! a >$iet %i&e" Who can
$n!erstan! this< Why no+, +hy #e, +hy anyone<
I sit here, on this co$ch, +ra''e! in #y b%an*et,
these 'a'ers an! 'a#'h%ets 'i%e! in #y %a'" I t$rn to
the#, obsesse! +ith +antin) to *no+ #ore" Is there
#ore than these stories #y c$%t$re has to%! #e< 7erha's
there is" I *no+ that not/*no+in) &ee!s #y &ear, the
c%o$! aro$n! #e bi%%o+s %ar)er" So I rea!" Abo$t the
+o#an +ho &o$n! her %$#' +hen it +as the si8e o& an
a''%e see!" Mine +as 2"K centi#eters, .$st $n!er an
inch" Abo$t chi%!ren +ith %e$*e#ia, ho+ can s$ch a thin)
ha''en, &or chi%!ren to s$&&er so" Abo$t ty'es o& cancer I
*ne+ nothin) abo$t, they ne(er be&ore e1iste! in #y
+or%!" Abo$t s$r)ery an! che#othera'y an! ra!iation"
Abo$t s$r(i(a% rates, those cr$cia% n$#bers &or cancer
'atients" These n$#bers #ean 'eo'%e, 'eo'%e %i*e #e"
A&ter &i(e years s$ch/an!/s$ch 'ercent s$r(i(e, s$ch/
an!/s$ch 'ercent !ie" Where +i%% I be< In +hich 'ercent<
I +ant to *no+ no+" I cannot bear this not/*no+in), this
)ro'in) in the !ar*, this tre#b%in) in the ni)ht" I +ant to
*no+ no+" Sho$%! I 're'are to %i(e< Or sho$%! I 're'are
to !ie< I !o not *no+" No one can te%% #e" They can )i(e
#e &i)$res, b$t no one can te%% #e"
I !i(e &$rther into these +or!s, these 'ict$res, these
&i)$res" They *ee' #e occ$'ie!, *ee' #y #in! &ro#
s'innin) its o+n &ear&$% ta%es" I eye the &$%% co%or 'ict$res
o& 'atients $n!er h$)e #achines, %yin) on o'eratin)
tab%es, con&errin) +ith concerne! !octors, 'osin) +ith
their &a#i%ies a%% s#i%in) at the ca#era" Soon this +i%% be
#e" I a# abo$t to beco#e a 'atient, an! e(ent$a%%y a
cancer statistic" These thin)s +i%% be !one to #e, as they
ha(e been !one to so #any others" I a# not a%one in
this, the 'ict$res #a*e that c%ear" So #any 'eo'%e
in(o%(e! in this 0+ar a)ainst cancer,0 a +ar no+ to be
&o$)ht in #y o+n bo!y"
The rea!in) soothes #e" This ni)ht in&or#ation is #y
%i&e%ine o$t o& $se%ess &ear an! +orry" This ni)ht
in&or#ation +as the best *in! o& thera'y" I +as to &in!
this +as a%+ays tr$e &or #e in the &$t$re" The #ore I
*ne+, the #ore sec$re I &e%t, e(en i& the ne+s +as ba!"
I)norance &ri)htens #e, *no+%e!)e soothes #e" The
+orst 'art is not *no+in) " " " !e&inite%y the +orst 'art is
not *no+in)"
I cra+% bac* into be!, '$sh a)ainst ;ens +ar# bo!y"
He is a+a*e, si%ent%y %oo*in) at the s*y%i)ht" 0I# not
)oin) to %ea(e yo$, yo$ *no+"0 0I *no+"0 0I rea%%y thin*
+e can beat this, *i!" We .$st ha(e to &i)$re o$t +hat the
he%% +ere )oin) to !o" """0
As Treya rea%i8e!, o$r i##e!iate 'rob%e# +as not
cancer, o$r i##e!iate 'rob%e# +as in&or#ation" An! the
&irst thin) yo$ %earn abo$t cancer in&or#ation is- basica%%y,
none o& it is tr$e"
Let #e e1'%ain" In any !isease, a 'erson is con&ronte!
+ith t+o (ery !i&&erent entities" One, the 'erson is &ace!
+ith the act$a% !isease 'rocess itse%& 2 a bro*en bone, a
case o& in&%$en8a, a heart attac*, a #a%i)nant t$#or" Ca%%
this as'ect o& !isease 0i%%ness"0 Cancer, &or e1a#'%e, is an
i%%ness, a s'eci&ic !isease +ith #e!ica% an! scienti&ic
!i#ensions" I%%ness is #ore or %ess (a%$e/&ree, its not tr$e or
&a%se, )oo! or ba!, it .$st is 2 .$st %i*e a #o$ntain isnt )oo!
or ba!, it .$st is"
B$t t+o, the 'erson is a%so &ace! +ith ho+ his or her
society or c$%t$re !ea%s +ith that i%%ness 2 +ith a%% the
.$!)#ents, &ears, ho'es, #yths, stories, (a%$es, an!
#eanin)s that a 'artic$%ar society han)s on each i%%ness"
Ca%% this as'ect o& !isease 0sic*ness"0 Cancer is not on%y an
i%%ness, a scienti&ic an! #e!ica% 'heno#enon, it is a%so a
sic*ness, a 'heno#enon %oa!e! +ith c$%t$ra% an! socia%
#eanin)s" Science te%%s yo$ +hen an! ho+ yo$ are i%%, yo$r
'artic$%ar c$%t$re or s$bc$%t$re te%%s yo$ +hen an! ho+ yo$
are sic*"
This is not necessari%y or e(en es'ecia%%y a ba! thin)" I& a
c$%t$re treats a 'artic$%ar i%%ness +ith co#'assion an!
en%i)htene! $n!erstan!in), then sic*ness can be seen as a
cha%%en)e, as a hea%in) crisis an! o''ort$nity" Bein) 0sic*0
is then not a con!e#nation or a #ora% .$!)#ent, b$t a
#o(e#ent in a %ar)er 'rocess o& hea%in) an! restoration"
When sic*ness is (ie+e! 'ositi(e%y an! in s$''orti(e ter#s,
then i%%ness has a #$ch better chance to hea%, +ith the
conco#itant res$%t that the entire 'erson #ay )ro+ an! be
enriche! in the 'rocess"
Men an! +o#en are con!e#ne! to #eanin),
con!e#ne! to creatin) (a%$es an! .$!)#ents" It is not
eno$)h to *no+ that I ha(e a !isease, that I ha(e a !isease
is #y i%%ness" B$t I a%so nee! to *no+ %hy I ha(e that
!isease" Why #e< What !oes it #ean< What !i! I !o +ron)<
Ho+ !i! this ha''en< I nee!, in other +or!s, to attach so#e
sort o& meaning to this i%%ness" An! &or this #eanin) I a#
!e'en!ent &irst an! &ore#ost on #y society, on a%% the
stories an! (a%$es an! #eanin)s in +hich #y c$%t$re
!resses a 'artic$%ar !isease" My sic*ness, as o''ose! to #y
i%%ness, is !e&ine! %ar)e%y by the society 2 the c$%t$re or
s$bc$%t$re 2 in +hich I &in! #yse%&"
Consi!er, &or e1a#'%e, )onorrhea" As an i%%ness it is &air%y
strai)ht&or+ar!- an in&ection chie&%y o& the #$cosa% %inin) o&
the )enito$rinary tract, s'rea! by se1$a% contact a#on)
in&ecte! 'artners, an! hi)h%y sensiti(e to treat#ent by
antibiotics, es'ecia%%y 'enici%%in"
Thats )onorrhea as an i%%ness, as a #e!ica% entity" B$t
o$r society attaches a )reat n$#ber o& #eanin)s an!
.$!)#ents to )onorrhea as a sic*ness 2 society has #$ch to
say abo$t the !isease an! those +ho contract it, so#e o&
+hich is tr$e, #$ch o& +hich is &a%se an! cr$e%" Those +ho
contract )onorrhea are $nc%ean, or 'er(erts, or #ora%%y
!e)enerate, )onorrhea is a #ora% !isease, +hich is its o+n
'ain&$% '$nish#ent, those +ho )et )onorrhea !eser(e it,
since they are #ora%%y $n&it 2 an! so on"
Lon) a&ter 'enici%%in has !estroye! the i%%ness, the
sic*ness #ay sti%% re#ain, its .$!)#ents an! con!e#nations
eatin) a+ay at the 'ersons so$% the +ay the si#'%er
bacteria once ate at the bo!y" 0I# a rotten 'erson, I# no
)oo!, ho+ horrib%e o& #e" """0
Th$s, it is thro$)h science that I see* to e1'%ain #y
i%%ness 4in this case, a )enito$rinary in&ection ca$se! by
/eisseria gonorrheae5, b$t it is thro$)h #y society that I
see* to understand #y sic*ness 2 +hat !oes it mean< 4In
this case, it #eans yo$ are #ora%%y !e&ecti(e"5 Whate(er
c$%t$re or s$bc$%t$res I be%on) to +i%% o&&er $' an entire
battery o& #eanin)s an! .$!)#ents &or #y sic*ness, an! to
the e1tent that I a# in a 'artic$%ar c$%t$re, then that
c$%t$res #eanin)s an! .$!)#ents are in #e, interna%i8e!
as 'art o& the (ery &abric o& ho+ I +i%% $n!erstan! #yse%&
an! #y sic*ness" An! the 'oint is that the #eanin) o& that
sic*ness 2 ne)ati(e or 'ositi(e, re!e#'ti(e or '$niti(e,
s$''orti(e or con!e#natory 2 can ha(e an enor#o$s
i#'act on #e an! on the co$rse o& #y !isease- the
sic*ness is o&ten #ore !estr$cti(e than the i%%ness"
Most !ist$rbin) is the &act that +hen society .$!)es a
sic*ness to be 0ba!,0 +hen it .$!)es a sic*ness ne)ati(e%y,
it a%#ost a%+ays !oes so e1c%$si(e%y o$t o& &ear an!
i)norance" Be&ore it +as $n!erstoo! that )o$t is a
here!itary !isease, it +as ascribe! to #ora% +ea*ness" A
b%a#e%ess i%%ness beca#e a )$i%t/ri!!en sic*ness, si#'%y
thro$)h %ac* o& acc$rate scienti&ic in&or#ation" Li*e+ise,
be&ore it +as $n!erstoo! that t$berc$%osis is ca$se! by the
t$berc%e baci%%$s, it +as tho$)ht to be a 'rocess o&
0cons$#'tion,0 +hereby a 'erson +ith +ea* character +as
s%o+%y 0cons$#e!"0 A bacteria% i%%ness beca#e a sic*ness
in!icati(e o& a +ea* character" An! e(en ear%ier, '%a)$es
an! &a#ines +ere tho$)ht to be a !irect inter(ention o& a
(en)e&$% 6o!, '$niti(e retrib$tion &or the co%%ecti(e sins o& a
'artic$%ar 'eo'%e"
Con!e#ne! to #eanin)- +e +o$%! #$ch 're&er to be
sa!!%e! +ith a har#&$% an! ne)ati(e #eanin) than to ha(e
no #eanin) at a%%" An! so +hene(er i%%ness stri*es, society
is on han! +ith a h$)e s$''%y o& rea!y/#a!e #eanin)s an!
.$!)#ents thro$)h +hich the in!i(i!$a% see*s to
$n!erstan! his or her sic*ness" An! +hen that society is in
&act i)norant o& the tr$e ca$se o& an i%%ness, this i)norance
$s$a%%y bree!s &ear, +hich in t$rn bree!s ne)ati(e
.$!)#ents abo$t the character o& the 'erson $n%$c*y
eno$)h to co#e !o+n +ith the i%%ness" The 'erson is not
on%y i%% b$t sic*, an! this sic*ness, !e&ine! by societys
.$!)#ents, a%% too o&ten beco#es a se%&/&$%&i%%in) an! se%&/
rein&orcin) 'ro'hecy- Why #e< Why a# I sic*< Beca$se
yo$(e been ba!" B$t ho+ !o yo$ *no+ I(e been ba!<
Beca$se yo$re sic*"
In short, the %ess the act$a% #e!ica% ca$ses o& an i%%ness
are $n!erstoo!, then the #ore it ten!s to beco#e a
sic*ness s$rro$n!e! by !es$%tory #yths an! #eta'hors,
the #ore it ten!s to be treate! as a sic*ness !$e to
character +ea*ness or #ora% &%a+s o& the a&&%icte!
in!i(i!$a%, the #ore it is #is$n!erstoo! as a sic*ness o& the
so$%, a 'ersona%ity !e&ect, a #ora% in&ir#ity"
No+ o& co$rse there are cases +hen #ora% +ea*ness or
+ea*ness o& +i%% 4say, a re&$sa% to sto' s#o*in)5 or
'ersona%ity &actors 4say, !e'ression5 can contrib$te !irect%y
to i%%ness" Menta% an! e#otiona% &actors can #ost !e&inite%y
'%ay a si)ni&icant ro%e in so#e i%%nesses 4as +e +i%% see5" B$t
this is entire%y !i&&erent &ro# an i%%ness +ith #a.or #e!ica%
ca$ses bein) +ho%%y #isinter'rete!, thro$)h i)norance an!
%ac* o& in&or#ation, as ca$se! by #ora% !e&ect or +ea*ness"
This is a si#'%e case o& societys tryin) to $n!erstan! a
!isease by con!e#nin) a so$%"
No+ cancer is a !isease, an i%%ness, abo$t +hich (ery
%itt%e is act$a%%y *no+n 4an! there is (irt$a%%y nothin) *no+n
abo$t ho+ to c$re it5" An! there&ore, cancer is a !isease
aro$n! +hich an enor#o$s n$#ber o& #yths an! stories
ha(e )ro+n $'" As an i%%ness, cancer is 'oor%y $n!erstoo!"
As a sic*ness, it has ass$#e! a+eso#e 'ro'ortions" An! as
!i&&ic$%t as the i%%ness o& cancer is, the sic*ness o& cancer is
abso%$te%y o(er+he%#in)"
So the &irst thin) yo$ ha(e to $n!erstan! +hen yo$ )et
cancer is that a%#ost a%% the in&or#ation yo$ +i%% recei(e is
shot thro$)h +ith #yths" An! beca$se #e!ica% science has
so &ar %ar)e%y &ai%e! to e1'%ain the ca$se an! c$re o& cancer,
it 2 the #e!ica% estab%ish#ent 2 is itse%& in&ecte! +ith an
enor#o$s n$#ber o& #yths an! &a%sehoo!s"
To )i(e on%y one e1a#'%e- The Nationa% Cancer
Association c%ai#s in its nationa% a!(ertisin) that 0ha%& o& a%%
cancers are no+ c$rab%e"0 =act- In the %ast &orty years there
has been no si)ni&icant increase +hatsoe(er in the a(era)e
s$r(i(a% rates o& cancer 'atients 2 !es'ite the #$ch
(a$nte! 0+ar on cancer0 an! the intro!$ction o& #ore
so'histicate! ra!iation techni>$es, che#othera'ies, an!
s$r)eries" A%% o& that has ha! no si)ni&icant i#'act on
cancer s$r(i(a% rates at a%%" 4The one ha''y e1ce'tion is the
b%oo! cancers 2 Ho!)*ins an! %e$*e#ia 2 +hich res'on!
+e%% to che#othera'y" The 'athetic 2Q or so increase in
s$r(i(a% rates &or the re#ainin) cancers are !$e a%#ost
entire%y to ear%y !etection, the rest o& the cancer rates ha(e
not b$!)e! an inch, %itera%%y"5 An! as &or breast cancer, the
s$r(i(a% rates ha(e act$a%%y )one !o+n9
iii
No+, !octors *no+ this" They *no+ the statistics" An! on
rare occasions yo$ can )et a !octor to a!#it it" 7eter
Richar!s, to his cre!it, !i! e1act%y that +ith Treya an! #e-
0I& yo$ %oo* at the cancer statistics o(er the %ast &o$r
!eca!es, yo$%% see that none o& o$r treat#ents has
e1ten!e! the 'atients s$r(i(a% rates" Its as i&, +hen a
cancer ce%% enters yo$r bo!y, it has a !ate +ritten on it Fthat
is, the !ate yo$ +i%% !ieG" We can so#eti#es e1ten! the
!isease/&ree inter(a%, b$t +e cant chan)e that !ate" I& that
cancer ce%% has &i(e years +ritten on it, then +e can *ee'
yo$ &air%y !isease/&ree an! &$nctionin) ri)ht $' to &i(e
years, b$t none o& o$r treat#ents see# to e1ten! that &i(e
years" Thats +hy cancer s$r(i(a% rates ha(ent i#'ro(e! in
a%#ost &orty years" Its )oin) to ta*e so#e #a.or
brea*thro$)hs on a bioche#ica%/)enetic %e(e% be&ore any
rea% a!(ances are #a!e in cancer treat#ent"0
So +hats a ty'ica% !octor to !o< He *no+s that his
#e!ica% inter(entions 2 s$r)ery, che#othera'y, ra!iation 2
are $%ti#ate%y not (ery e&&ecti(e, an! yet he has )ot to !o
so#ethin)" An! so this is +hat he !oes- Since he cant
rea%%y contro% the i%%ness, he atte#'ts to contro% the
sic*ness" That is, he atte#'ts to !e&ine the meaning o& the
!isease by 'rescribin) a certain +ay that the 'atient sho$%!
thin* abo$t the cancer 2 na#e%y, that the !isease is an
entity that the !octor $n!erstan!s an! that the !octor can
#e!ica%%y treat, an! that other a''roaches are $se%ess or
e(en har#&$%"
In 'ractice, this #eans that the !octor +i%%, &or e1a#'%e,
so#eti#es 'rescribe che#othera'y e#en %hen he !no%s it
%on't %or!" This ca#e as a co#'%ete shoc* to Treya an!
#e, b$t the 'ractice is >$ite co##on" In a hi)h%y res'ecte!
an! a$thoritati(e te1t on cancer 2 The Way%ard (ell by Dr"
Aictor Richar!s 4+ho is, inci!enta%%y, 7eter Richar!ss &ather5
2 the a$thor 'resents a %on) !isc$ssion o& +hy, $n!er #any
circ$#stances, che#othera'y !oesnt +or*, an! then he
)oes on to state that nonethe%ess $n!er the sa#e
circ$#stances che#othera'y sho$%! sti%% be 'rescribe!"
Why< Beca$se, he says, it 0*ee's the 'atient oriente!
to+ar! the 'ro'er #e!ica% a$thorities"0 7$t b%$nt%y, it sto's
the 'atient &ro# %oo*in) e%se+here &or treat#ent 2 it *ee's
the 'atient oriente! to+ar! orthodo2 #e!icine, +hether or
not that #e!icine act$a%%y +or*s in this case"
No+ that is not treatin) the i%%ness, that is treatin) the
sic*ness 2 it is atte#'tin) to contro% ho+ the 'atient
$n!erstan!s the !isease an! there&ore the ty'es o&
treat#ent the 'atient +i%% see*" The 'oint is that the
treat#ents #i)ht not si)ni&icant%y a&&ect the i%%ness, b$t
they !o a&&ect the sic*ness, or ho+ one orients oneself
to+ar! the i%%ness- the ty'es o& a$thorities one +i%% %isten to
an! the ty'es o& #e!icines one +i%% acce't"
A )oo! &rien! o& o$rs +ho ha! a!(ance! cancer +as
)i(en the (ery stron) reco##en!ation, by her !octors, that
she $n!erta*e yet another co$rse o& (ery intensi(e
che#othera'y" I& she !i! so, the !octors to%! her, she co$%!
e1'ect to %i(e an a(era)e o& t+e%(e #onths" It &ina%%y
!a+ne! on her to as*- Ho+ %on) can I be e1'ecte! to %i(e
+itho$t the che#othera'y< The ans+er ca#e bac*-
=o$rteen #onths" The !octors reco##en!ation- Do the
che#othera'y" 47eo'%e +ho ha(ent act$a%%y )one thro$)h
so#ethin) %i*e this ha(e a (ery har! ti#e $n!erstan!in)
that these *in!s o& thin)s ha''en a%% the ti#e 2 +hich is
testa#ent to .$st ho+ thoro$)h%y +e ha(e acce'te! the
ortho!o1 #e!ica% inter'retation an! 0treat#ent0 o& the
sic*ness"5
I rea%%y !ont b%a#e !octors &or this, they are %ar)e%y
he%'%ess in the &ace o& !es'erate 'atient e1'ectations" Nor
ha(e I e(er #et a sin)%e !octor that I tho$)ht +as
#a%icio$s%y tryin) to #ani'$%ate 'atients" By an! %ar)e
these 'hysicians are incre!ib%y !ecent #en an! +o#en
!oin) the (ery best they can in i#'ossib%e circ$#stances"
Theyre as he%'%ess as +e are" Its si#'%y that, +hereas
i%%ness is a &air%y c%earc$t scienti&ic entity, sic*ness is a
re%i)ion" Since cancer the i%%ness is %ar)e%y $nres'onsi(e,
!octors are &orce! to try to treat cancer the sic*ness, at
+hich 'oint they #$st act #ore %i*e 'riests than %i*e
scientists, a ro%e they are i%%/e>$i''e! an! i%%/traine! to '%ay"
B$t in a !e#ocracy o& the sic*, the hi)h 'riest is the !octor,
by 'o'$%ar !e#an!"
An! so this is the 'oint that I be)an +ith- a %ot o& the
in&or#ation that !ecent !octors +i%% )i(e yo$ abo$t cancer
is shot thro$)h +ith #yths, si#'%y beca$se they are &orce!
to act not .$st as !octors b$t a%so as 'riests, as
#ani'$%ators o& the meaning that yo$r i%%ness has" They are
!is'ensin) not .$st science b$t re%i)ion" =o%%o+ their
treat#ents an! yo$ +i%% be sa(e!, )o e%se+here &or
treat#ent an! yo$ +i%% be !a#ne!"
An! so, startin) in that horrib%e &irst +ee*, the +ee* a&ter
the ori)ina% !ia)noses an! be&ore Treya be)an treat#ent 2
an! stretchin) o$t $nre%entin)%y o(er the ne1t &i(e years 2
this is +hat +e +ere al%ays &ace! +ith- se'aratin) the
i%%ness o& cancer &ro# the sic*ness o& cancer" An! tryin) to
%earn the best +ay to treat the i%%ness, an! the sanest +ay
to understand the sic*ness"
As &or the i%%ness, Treya an! I be)an a 'anic/!ri(en crash
co$rse in onco%o)y" Startin) the (ery ni)ht o& the !ia)nosis,
both Treya an! I rea! e(erythin) +e co$%! )et o$r han!s
on" By the en! o& the +ee* +e ha! )one thro$)h o(er three
!o8en boo*s 4#ost #e!ica% te1ts, so#e 'o'$%ar acco$nts5
an! as #any .o$rna% artic%es" We +ante! as #$ch '$re
in&or#ation as +e co$%! )et" Dn&ort$nate%y, #$ch o& the
scienti&ic in&or#ation on cancer research is either
inconc%$si(e or !isheartenin), an! +hat in&or#ation there is
chan)es at a horri&yin)%y &ast rate"
We a%so be)an an intensi(e in(esti)ation o& (irt$a%%y
e(ery ty'e o& a%ternati(e treat#ent a(ai%ab%e- #acrobiotics,
6erson !iet, ;e%%ey en8y#es, B$rton, B$r8yns*i, 'sychic
s$r)ery, &aith hea%in), Li(in)ston/Whee%er, Ho1sey, %aetri%e,
#e)a(ita#ins, i##$nothera'y, (is$a%i8ation, ac$'$nct$re,
a&&ir#ations, an! so on 4#any o& +hich I +i%% !escribe %ater5"
An! +here #ost #e!ica%/scienti&ic in&or#ation is either
inconc%$si(e or honest%y ne)ati(e, #ost a%ternati(e
0in&or#ation0 is anec!ota% an! $nre%entin)%y 'ositi(e"
Rea!in) a%ternati(e %iterat$re, yo$ be)in to )et the )i!!y
&ee%in) that e#erybody treate! by ortho!o1 #e!icine !ies,
an! e#erybody treate! by a%ternati(e #e!icine %i(es 4e1ce't
those +ho +ere first treate! by ortho!o1 #etho!s, they a%%
!ie5" 3o$ soon rea%i8e that +hate(er )en$ine bene&its
a%ternati(e #e!icine #i)ht ha(e a)ainst the illness o&
cancer 4an! there are #any, as +e +i%% see5, the
a%ternati(es are #ost%y in the b$siness o& treatin) the
sic!ness o& cancer, o& 'ro(i!in) 'ositi(e #eanin), #ora%
s$''ort, an! abo(e a%% ho'e to those stric*en +ith the
i%%ness" That is, they are actin) %ar)e%y in a re%i)io$s an! not
#e!ica% ca'acity, +hich is +hy (irt$a%%y a%% o& their %iterat$re
contains no scienti&ic st$!ies at a%%, b$t h$n!re!s o&
testimonials"
So o$r &irst tas* +as to !i) thro$)h a%% o& this %iterat$re,
both ortho!o1 an! a%ternati(e, an! try to co%%ect at %east a
han!&$% o& &acts 4as o''ose! to 'ro'a)an!a5 on +hich +e
co$%! !e'en!"
The secon! tas* +e ha! to &ace +as !ea%in) +ith the
sic*ness o& cancer, !ea%in) +ith a%% the (ario$s #eanin)s
an! .$!)#ents that o$r !i&&erent c$%t$res an! s$bc$%t$res
attache! to this i%%ness, that 0c%o$! o& (oices, i#a)es, i!eas,
&ears, stories, 'hoto)ra'hs, a!(ertise#ents, artic%es,
#o(ies, te%e(ision sho+s " "" (a)$e, sha'e%ess, b$t !ense,
o#ino$s " " " &$%% o& &ear an! 'ain an! he%'%essness,0 as
Treya sai!"
An! it +asnt .$st the )enera% society at %ar)e that
s$''%ie! (ario$s stories" Treya an! I +ere e1'ose! to
se(era% !i&&erent c$%t$res an! s$bc$%t$res, each o& +hich
ha! so#ethin) (ery !e&inite to say" Here are .$st a &e+-
:" Christian 2 The &$n!a#enta%ist #essa)e- I%%ness is
basica%%y a '$nish#ent &ro# 6o! &or so#e sort o& sin"
The +orse the i%%ness, the #ore $ns'ea*ab%e the sin"
2" Ne+ A)e 2 I%%ness is a %esson" 3o$ are )i(in) yo$rse%& this
!isease beca$se there is so#ethin) i#'ortant yo$ ha(e
to %earn &ro# it in or!er to contin$e yo$r s'irit$a% )ro+th
an! e(o%$tion" Min! a%one ca$ses i%%ness an! #in! a%one
can c$re it" A y$''i&ie! 'ost#o!ern (ersion o& Christian
Science"
C" Me!ica% 2 I%%ness is &$n!a#enta%%y a bio'hysica% !isor!er,
ca$se! by bio'hysica% &actors 4&ro# (ir$ses to tra$#a to
)enetic 're!is'osition to en(iron#enta% tri))erin)
a)ents5" 3o$ nee!nt +orry abo$t 'sycho%o)ica% or
s'irit$a% treat#ents &or #ost i%%nesses, beca$se s$ch
a%ternati(e treat#ents are $s$a%%y ine&&ect$a% an! #ay
act$a%%y 're(ent yo$ &ro# )ettin) the 'ro'er #e!ica%
attention"
H" ;ar#a 2 I%%ness is the res$%t o& ne)ati(e *ar#a, that is,
so#e non/(irt$o$s 'ast actions are no+ co#in) to
&r$ition in the &or# o& a !isease" The !isease is 0ba!0 in
the sense that it re'resents 'ast non(irt$e, b$t it is
0)oo!0 in the sense that the !isease 'rocess itse%&
re'resents the b$rnin) $' an! the '$ri&yin) o& the 'ast
#is!ee!, its a '$r)ation, a c%eansin)"
K" 7sycho%o)ica% 2 As Woo!y A%%en '$t it, 0I !ont )et an)ry,
I )ro+ t$#ors instea!"0 The i!ea is that, at %east in 'o'
'sycho%o)y, re'resse! e#otions ca$se i%%ness" The
e1tre#e &or#- i%%ness as !eath +ish"
M" 6nostic 2 I%%ness is an i%%$sion" The entire #ani&est
$ni(erse is a !rea#, a sha!o+, an! one is &ree o& i%%ness
on%y +hen one is &ree &ro# i%%$sory #ani&estation
a%to)ether, on%y +hen one a+a*ens &ro# the !rea# an!
!isco(ers instea! the One rea%ity beyon! the #ani&est
$ni(erse" S'irit is the on%y rea%iity, an! in S'irit there is
no i%%ness" An e1tre#e an! so#e+hat o&&/centere!
(ersion o& #ysticis#"
@" E1istentia% 2 I%%ness itse%& is +itho$t #eanin)" Accor!in)%y
it can ta*e any #eanin) I choose to )i(e it, an! I a#
so%e%y res'onsib%e &or these choices" Men an! +o#en are
&inite an! #orta%, an! the a$thentic res'onse is to
acce't i%%ness as 'art o& ones &init$!e e(en +hi%e
i#b$in) it +ith 'ersona% #eanin)"
B" Ho%istic 2 I%%ness is a 'ro!$ct o& 'hysica%, e#otiona%,
#enta%, an! s'irit$a% &actors, none o& +hich can be
iso%ate! &ro# the others, none o& +hich can be i)nore!"
Treat#ent #$st in(o%(e a%% o& these !i#ensions
4a%tho$)h in 'ractice this o&ten trans%ates into an
esche+a% o& ortho!o1 treat#ents, e(en +hen they #i)ht
he%'5"
E" Ma)ica% 2 I%%ness is retrib$tion" 0I !eser(e this beca$se I
+ishe! So/an!/so +o$%! !ie"0 Or, 0I better not e1ce% too
#$ch, so#ethin) ba! +i%% ha''en to #e"0 Or, 0I& too
#any )oo! thin)s ha''en to #e, so#ethin) ba! has to
ha''en"0 An! so on"
:0" B$!!hist 2 I%%ness is an inesca'ab%e 'art o& the
#ani&est +or%!, as*in) +hy there is i%%ness is %i*e as*in)
+hy there is air" Birth, o%! a)e, sic*ness, an! !eath 2
these are the #ar*s o& this +or%!, a%% o& +hose
'heno#ena are characteri8e! by i#'er#anence,
s$&&erin), an! se%&%essness" On%y in en%i)hten#ent, in the
'$re a+areness o& nir(ana, is i%%ness &ina%%y transcen!e!,
beca$se then the entire 'heno#ena% +or%! is
transcen!e! as +e%%"
::" Scienti&ic 2 Whate(er the i%%ness is, it has a s'eci&ic
ca$se or c%$ster o& ca$ses" So#e o& these ca$ses are
!eter#ine!, others are si#'%y ran!o# or !$e to '$re
chance" Either +ay, there is no 0#eanin)0 to i%%ness,
there is on%y chance or necessity"
Men an! +o#en necessari%y an! intrinsica%%y s+i# in the
ocean o& #eanin), Treya an! I +ere abo$t to !ro+n in it" On
the +ay ho#e in the car, on that &irst !ay, the (ario$s
#eanin)s +ere a%rea!y &%oo!in) thro$)h $s, an! near%y
cho*in) Treya"
An! +hat +as the sy#bo%ica% #eanin) to #e,
'ersona%%y, o& ha(in) s$ch a ce%% an! no+ a %ar)e
co%%ection o& s$ch ce%%s in #y ri)ht breast< Thats a%% I
co$%! thin* abo$t as ;en reso%$te%y !ro(e" A ra'i!
)ro+th insi!e #yse%& that !oesnt *no+ +hen or ho+ to
sto'" A )ro+th that ta*es n$trients &ro# nei)hborin)
tiss$es" A )ro+th that #i)ht she! ce%%s to tra(e% thro$)h
#y %y#'h or b%oo! syste#, ce%%s that #i)ht see! other
s$ch )ro+ths i& #y i##$ne syste# so#eho+ #isse!
!eacti(atin) the#" Le&t $nchec*e!, it +o$%! certain%y *i%%
#e" Was there so#e secret !eath +ish here< Ha! I been
too har! on #yse%&, too .$!)#enta% an! se%&/critica%, s$ch
that secret se%&/hatre! ca$se! this< Or ha! I been too
nice, re'ressin) #y an)er an! #y .$!)#ents, so they
e(ent$a%%y #ani&este! as this 'hysica% sy#'to#< Was I
bein) '$nishe! so#eho+ &or ha(in) been )i(en so #$ch
in this %i&e, a &a#i%y I rea%%y en.oye!, inte%%i)ence an! a
)oo! e!$cation, attracti(e %oo*s, an! no+ this
&antastica%%y/beyon!/be%ie& h$sban!< Was one on%y
a%%o+e! so #$ch, so that )oin) beyon! tri))ere!
a!(ersity o& so#e *in!< Ha! I so#eho+ earne! this
thro$)h the *ar#a o& so#e 're(io$s %i&eti#e< Di! this
e1'erience contain in it a %esson I nee!e! to %earn or the
necessary '$sh to #o(e on in #y s'irit$a% e(o%$tion<
7erha's, a&ter a%% these years o& rather an1io$s%y %oo*in)
&or #y %i&es +or*, co#in) !o+n +ith cancer containe!
the see!s o& this +or*, i& on%y I co$%! reco)ni8e it<
We +o$%! co#e bac* to this iss$e a)ain an! a)ain an!
a)ain, bac* to the #eanin) o& )ettin) cancer" The iss$e
'o''e! $' e(ery+here, e(erybo!y ha! so#e theory abo$t
it, it h$n) in the air a%+ays, it beca#e an $n+ante! b$t
inesca'ab%y !o#inant the#e o& o$r %i(es, a)ainst +hich so
#$ch e%se 'a%e! in si)ni&icance" Treatin) cancer the i%%ness
too* an a(era)e o& a &e+ !ays each #onth, treatin) cancer
the sic*ness +as a &$%%/ti#e .ob 2 it 'er#eate! e(ery as'ect
o& o$r %i(es, o$r +or*, o$r '%ay, it in(a!e! o$r !rea#s an!
re&$se! to %et $s &or)et, it +as there in the #ornin), s#i%in),
the s*$%% that +o$%! )rin in at the ban>$et, the constant
re#in!er, the +ay+ar! ce%% that ha! entere! her bo!y, the
ce%% that ha! a !ate on it"
0So +hat !o yo$ thin*<0 I &ina%%y as*e! ;en" I ha!
been !ia)nose! .$st t+o !ays ear%ier, an! +e +ere
ha(in) %$nch in bet+een !octors a''oint#ents" 0Why !o
yo$ thin* I )ot cancer< I *no+ a%% this is a si#'%istic
a''%ication o& the i!ea that the #in! a&&ects the bo!y,
b$t the &ear that )oes +ith cancer #a*es it har! to #a*e
&ine !istinctions9 Whene(er I co#e $' +ith a theory
abo$t the e#otiona% ca$se o& #y cancer, as o''ose! to
the en(iron#enta% an! )enetic ca$ses, its har! not to
b%a#e #yse%&" I &ee% I #i)ht ha(e !one so#ethin) +ron),
so#eho+, tho$)ht +ron)%y or &e%t +ron)%y" At ti#es I
+on!er i& others +i%% #a*e $' theories abo$t #e +hen
they &in! o$t I ha(e cancer" 7erha's they%% thin* I
re'resse! #y e#otions too #$ch or +as too a%oo&, too
coo%" Maybe they%% thin* I a# too co#'%iant, too nice,
too )oo! to be tr$e" Maybe that I +as too con&i!ent, too
s#$), I !eser(e! so#e har! ti#es in #y %i&e" I# not as
ba! as the +o#an I hear! o& +ho &e%t %i*e a &ai%$re in %i&e
&or ha(in) )otten cancer, b$t +hen I# in that *in! o&
#oo! I $n!erstan! +hat she #eans" What !o yo$ thin*<0
0He%%, *i!, I !ont *no+ +hat I thin*" Why !ont yo$
#a*e a %ist< Try it no+" Write !o+n a%% the thin)s that
yo$ thin* contrib$te! to yo$r )ettin) cancer"0
Here is +hat I +rote, +aitin) &or #y (e)etab%e so$' to
arri(e-
/ re'ressin) #y e#otions, es'ecia%%y an)er an!
sa!ness
/ a 'erio! o& #a.or %i&e chan)e an! stress an!
!e'ression I +ent thro$)h a &e+ years a)o, !$rin)
+hich I crie! a%#ost e(ery !ay &or t+o #onths
/ bein) #$ch too se%&/critica%
/ too #$ch ani#a% &at in #y !iet +hen yo$n)er an! too
#$ch co&&ee
/ +orryin) abo$t #y rea% '$r'ose in %i&e, interna%
'ress$re to &in! #y ca%%in), #y +or*
/ &ee%in) (ery %one%y an! ho'e%ess as a chi%!, iso%ate!
an! a%one an! $nab%e to e1'ress #y &ee%in)s
/ a %on)/stan!in) ten!ency to be se%&/containe!,
in!e'en!ent, an! in contro%
/ &ai%$re to #ore (i)oro$s%y '$rs$e a s'irit$a% 'ath, %i*e
#e!itation, since this has a%+ays been #y
&$n!a#enta% )oa%
/ not #eetin) ;en sooner
0So +hat !o yo$ thin*" 3o$ sti%% ha(ent sai!"0
;en %oo*e! at the %ist" 0Ah, s+eetie, I %i*e the %ast one"
O*ay, +hat !o I thin*" I thin* cancer is ca$se! by !o8ens
o& !i&&erent thin)s" As =rances FAa$)hanG +o$%! say,
h$#an bein)s ha(e 'hysica%, e#otiona%, #enta%,
e1istentia%, an! s'irit$a% !i#ensions, an! I +o$%! )$ess
that 'rob%e#s on any an! a%% o& those %e(e%s can
contrib$te to i%%ness" 7hysica% ca$ses- !iet,
en(iron#enta% to1ins, ra!iation, s#o*in), )enetic
're!is'osition, an! so on" E#otiona% ca$ses- !e'ression,
ri)i! se%&/contro% an! hy'erin!e'en!ence" Menta%-
constant se%&/criticis#, constant 'essi#istic o$t%oo*,
es'ecia%%y !e'ression, +hich see#s to a&&ect the i##$ne
syste#" E1istentia%- e1a))erate! &ear o& !eath ca$sin)
e1a))erate! &ear o& %i&e" S'irit$a%- &ai%$re to %isten to
ones inner (oice"
0Maybe a%% o& those contrib$te to a 'hysica% i%%ness"
My 'rob%e# is, I !ont *no+ ho+ #$ch +ei)ht to )i(e
each %e(e%" Is the #enta% or 'sycho%o)ica% ca$se o&
cancer +orth M0Q or 2Q< B$t thats the +ho%e 'oint, yo$
see< Thats the +ho%e iss$e" Ri)ht no+, &ro# a%% the
e(i!ence I(e seen, I! say that +ith cancer its abo$t
C0Q )enetic, KKQ en(iron#enta% F!rin*in), s#o*in),
!ietary &at, &iber, to1ins, s$n%i)ht, e%ectro#a)netic
ra!iation, etc"G, an! :KQ e(erythin) e%se 2 e#otiona%,
#enta%, e1istentia%, s'irit$a%" B$t that #eans that at %east
BKQ o& the ca$ses are 'hysica%, see#s to #e"0
My so$' arri(e!" 0Basica%%y none o& this +o$%! #atter
#$ch e1ce't &or #y &ear that, so#eho+, i& I +as
res'onsib%e &or cancer this ti#e aro$n! I #i)ht !o this to
#yse%& a)ain" Why e(en )et treat#ent i& I .$st re'eat it< I
a%#ost +ish I co$%! see the +ho%e thin) as so#ethin)
that acci!enta%%y ha''ene! to #e, 'erha's beca$se o& a
)enetic 're!is'osition or P/ray treat#ents +hen I +as
yo$n) or %i(in) ne1t to a to1ic +aste !$#' or +hate(er"
No+ I# a&rai! i& I )et !e'resse! #y +i%% to %i(e an! #y
+hite ce%% co$nt #ay )o !o+n" I& I )et &%ashes o& hos'ita%
!eathbe! scenes, I &ear I #ay be )i(in) ener)y to s$ch
an o$tco#e, a%#ost creatin) it" I .$st cant )et it o$t o&
#y hea! 2 +hat !i! I !o to ca$se this< What !i! I !o
+ron)< What a# I sayin) to #yse%& by )ettin) cancer<
Do I so#eho+ not +ant to %i(e< Is #y +i%% stron) eno$)h
no+< A# I '$nishin) #yse%& so#eho+<0 I be)an sobbin)
a)ain, this ti#e into #y (e)etab%e so$'" ;en '$%%e! his
chair aro$n! an! he%! #e" 0Thats )oo! so$', yo$ *no+"0
0I !ont +ant yo$ to ha(e to +orry abo$t #e,0 I &ina%%y
sai!"
0S+eetie, as %on) as yo$re breathin) an! cryin), I
+ont +orry abo$t yo$" I& yo$ sto' either one, then I%%
+orry"0
0I# &ri)htene!" Ho+ !o I nee! to chan)e< Do I nee!
to chan)e< I +ant yo$ to te%% #e +hat yo$ honest%y
thin*"0
0I !ont *no+ +hat ca$se! the cancer, an! I !ont
thin* anybo!y !oes" The 'eo'%e that )o aro$n! sayin)
that cancer is ca$se! 'ri#ari%y by re'resse! e#otions or
%o+ se%&/estee# or s'irit$a% ane#ia 2 they !ont *no+
+hat theyre ta%*in) abo$t" There is no cre!ib%e e(i!ence
+hatsoe(er &or those notions, theyre basica%%y '$t
&or+ar! by 'eo'%e +ho are tryin) to se%% yo$ so#ethin)
any+ay"
0Since nobo!y *no+s +hat ca$se! yo$r cancer, I
!ont *no+ +hat yo$ sho$%! chan)e in or!er to he%' c$re
it" So +hy !ont yo$ try this" Why !ont yo$ $se cancer
as a #eta'hor an! a s'$r to chan)e a%% those thin)s in
yo$r %i&e that yo$ +ante! to chan)e any+ay" In other
+or!s, re'ressin) certain e#otions #ay or #ay not ha(e
he%'e! ca$se the cancer, b$t since yo$ +ant to sto'
re'ressin) those e#otions any+ay, then $se the cancer
as a reason, as an e1c$se, to !o so" I *no+ a!(ice is
chea' here, b$t +hy not ta*e the cancer as an
o''ort$nity to chan)e a%% those thin)s on yo$r %ist that
can be chan)e!<0
The +ho%e i!ea +as a )reat re%ie&, an! I starte!
s#i%in)" ;en a!!e!, 0An! !ont chan)e the# beca$se
yo$ thin* they ca$se! cancer 2 that +i%% .$st #a*e yo$
&ee% )$i%ty 2 chan)e the# si#'%y beca$se they sho$%! be
chan)e! in any e(ent" 3o$ !ont nee! cancer to te%% yo$
+hat yo$ nee! to +or* on" 3o$ a%rea!y *no+" So %ets
start" Lets #a*e it a ne+ be)innin)" I%% he%'" It%% be &$n"
Rea%%y" A# I )ettin) )oo&y or +hat< We co$%! ca%% it =$n
+ith Cancer"0 We both starte! %a$)hin) o$t %o$!"
B$t that #a!e 'er&ect sense, an! I &e%t a *in! o&
c%arity an! !eter#ination" D%ti#ate%y, o& co$rse, there
+as 'robab%y no 0'reor!aine!0 #eanin) to #y )ettin)
cancer, tho$)h 'eo'%e o& ear%ier ti#es #i)ht in!ee!
ha(e been !ra+n to s$ch inter'retations" I +as a%so not
es'ecia%%y satis&ie! by the )enera% #e!ica% a''roach,
+hich I &e%t +o$%! re!$ce it to a chance co#bination o&
(ario$s #ateria% circ$#stances 4!iet, )enetics,
en(iron#enta% 'o%%$tants5" Thats an a!e>$ate
e1'%anation on one %e(e%, an! tr$e on that %e(e%, b$t it
!i!nt )o &ar eno$)h &or #e" I +ante! 2 an! nee!e! 2 &or
this e1'erience to ha(e so#e #eanin) an! '$r'ose" The
on%y +ay that co$%! ha''en +ith any certainty +as &or
#e to act 0as i&0 it !i!, to i#b$e it +ith #eanin) thro$)h
#y tho$)hts an! actions"
I ha!nt e(en !eci!e! on a co$rse o& treat#ent yet,
an! this is +hat I +as thin*in) abo$t" I !i!nt +ant to
si#'%y treat the !isease an! then re%e)ate it to so#e
!ar* c%oset in #y %i&e I ho'e! I! ne(er ha(e to o'en or
!o anythin) abo$t" Cancer +o$%! certain%y be a 'art o&
#y %i&e &ro# no+ on, b$t not si#'%y in ter#s o& constant
chec*$'s or constant a+areness o& the 'ossibi%ity o& a
rec$rrence" I +as )oin) to $se it in as #any +ays as
'ossib%e" 7hi%oso'hica%%y, to )et #e to %oo* at !eath #ore
c%ose%y, to he%' #e 're'are to !ie +hen the ti#e ca#e,
to %oo* at the #eanin) an! '$r'ose o& #y %i&e"
S'irit$a%%y, to re*in!%e #y interest in &in!in) an!
&o%%o+in) a conte#'%ati(e 'ath, one that is at %east
)enera%%y s$itab%e to #e an! sto' !e%ayin) by %oo*in) &or
the 'er&ect one" 7sycho%o)ica%%y, to be *in!er an! #ore
%o(in) to #yse%& an! others, to e1'ress #y an)er #ore
easi%y, to %o+er #y !e&enses a)ainst inti#acy an! #y
ten!ency to retreat into #yse%&" Materia%%y, to eat #ain%y
&resh, +e%%/+ashe!, an! +ho%e &oo!s an! to start
e1ercisin) a)ain" An! #ost o& a%%, to be )ent%e +ith
#yse%& abo$t #eetin) or not #eetin) those )oa%s"
We &inishe! o$r %$nch, +hat +e +o$%! %ater .o*in)%y ca%%
The 6reat Ae)etab%e So$' Inci!ent, or =$n +ith Cancer" It
#ar*e! a #a.or t$rnin) 'oint in ho+ +e +o$%! both !ea%
+ith the 0#eanin)0 o& Treyas cancer, an! es'ecia%%y ho+
+e +o$%! (ie+ a%% the chan)es in her %i&e/sty%e that she
+o$%! s$bse>$ent%y #a*e 2 chan)e the#, not beca$se o&
cancer, b$t beca$se they nee!e! to be chan)e!, 'erio!"
5Well, , don't thin! you can see it, or could see it3 ,t's 8ust
something , sa%35
5,s it still there65 The thought is disturbing3
5, don't see anything, but it feels li!e it's still there35
Treya is discussing this as if it %ere the most natural thing
in the %orld, to ha#e death sitting on your honey's
shoulder3
5, don't suppose you could 8ust brush it off or
something65
5Don't be silly,5 is all she says3
Treya an! I &ina%%y +or*e! o$t o$r o+n #eanin) &or this
sic*ness, an! e(o%(e! o$r o+n theories o& hea%th an!
hea%in) 4as +e%% see5" B$t in the #eanti#e, +e ha! to treat
the i%%ness, an! +e ha! to treat it (ery >$ic*%y"
We +ere %ate &or o$r a''oint#ent +ith 7eter Richar!s"
#
A $uestion o% Ba&ance
0ITS A NEW 7ROCEDDRE 'ioneere! in E$ro'e" I thin*
yo$re a )oo! can!i!ate &or it"0
7eter Richar!s %oo*e! 'aine!" He ob(io$s%y ha! a )reat
!ea% o& a&&ection &or Treya, ho+ har!, I tho$)ht, to treat
cancer 'atients" 7eter o$t%ine! the o'tions- #astecto#y
+ith re#o(a% o& a%% the %y#'h no!es, %ea(in) the breast b$t
re#o(in) the %y#'h no!es, then treatin) the breast +ith
ra!iation i#'%ants, se)#enta% or 'artia% #astecto#y
4re#o(in) abo$t one/>$arter o& the breast tiss$e5, re#o(a%
o& abo$t ha%& the %y#'h no!es, then &i(e or si1 +ee*s o&
ra!iation to the breast area, se)#enta% #astecto#y +ith
re#o(a% o& a%% %y#'h no!es" It +as har! to esca'e the
i#'ression that +e +ere a%% ca%#%y !isc$ssin) #e!ie(a%
tort$re techni>$es" 0Oh, yes #aa#, +e ha(e so#ethin)
%o(e%y in a si8e ei)ht Iron Mai!en"0
Treya ha! a%rea!y hit $'on a )enera% '%an o& action"
A%tho$)h +e +ere both )reat &ans o& a%ternati(e an! ho%istic
#e!icine, a care&$% scr$tiny sho+e! that none o& the
a%ternati(es 2 inc%$!in) Si#onton (is$a%i8ation, 6erson !iet,
an! B$rton in the Baha.nas 2 ha! any s$bstantia% s$ccess
a)ainst )ra!e &o$r t$#ors" These t$#ors are the Na8is o&
the cancer cro+!, an! they are not terrib%y i#'resse! +ith
+heat )rass .$ice an! s+eet tho$)hts" 3o$ ha(e to n$*e
these bastar!s i& yo$re )oin) to ha(e any chance at a%%/an!
thats +here +hite #ans #e!icine co#es in"
Treya !eci!e!, a&ter care&$%%y %oo*in) at a%% the o'tions,
that the #ost sensib%e co$rse o& action +as to $se ortho!o1
treat#ents &or the &irst ste', an! then co#bine the# +ith a
&$%% s'ectr$# o& ho%istic a$1i%iary treat#ents" Ho%istic
'ractitioners, o& co$rse, $s$a%%y !isco$ra)e the $se o& any
ortho!o1 treat#ents, %i*e ra!iation or che#othera'y,
beca$se, it is sai!, they 'er#anent%y co#'ro#ise the
i##$ne syste#, th$s #a*in) the ho%istic treat#ents %ess
%i*e%y to s$ccee!"
There is so#e tr$th to that, b$t the sit$ation is #$ch
#ore s$bt%e an! co#'%e1 than #ost ho%istic 'ractitioners
see# to rea%i8e" =irst o& a%%, it is tr$e that ra!iation, &or
e1a#'%e, +i%% %o+er the n$#ber o& +hite b%oo! ce%%s, one o&
the bo!ys &ront %ines o& i##$nity" Most o& this is
te#'orary, ho+e(er, an! the s%i)ht %on)/ter# re!$ction has
not been corre%ate! +ith i##$ne !e&iciency, si#'%y
beca$se there is no !irect %in* bet+een the :uantity o&
+hite b%oo! ce%%s an! the :uality o& i##$ne 'rotection" =or
e1a#'%e, 'eo'%e +ho recei(e che#othera'y ha(e on
a(era)e no %on)/ter# hi)her inci!ence o& co%!s, &%$, )enera%
in&ections, or secon!ary cancers, e(en tho$)h 'ortions o&
their +hite b%oo! co$nt #i)ht be %o+er" It is not ob(io$s at
a%% that these 'eo'%e ha(e an 0i#'aire!0 i##$ne syste#"
The har! &act is, #any 'eo'%e +ho $se ho%istic treat#ents
!ie, an! the #ost con(enient e1c$se is, 03o$ sho$%! ha(e
co#e to $s &irst"0
Treya !eci!e! that, )i(en the 'resent state o& #e!ica%
*no+%e!)e, the on%y 'r$!ent co$rse +as to a))ressi(e%y
co#bine ortho!o1 an! a%ternati(e #etho!s" As &or the
ortho!o1, st$!ies in E$ro'e ha! !e#onstrate! that the
se)#enta% #astecto#y &o%%o+e! by ra!iation +as as
e&&ecti(e as the )r$eso#e #o!i&ie! ra!ica% #astecto#y" A%%
three o& $s/7eter, Treya, an! #yse%&/&e%t that the se)#enta%
#astecto#y +as the reasonab%e co$rse" 4Treya ha! %itt%e
(anity, she chose the 'roce!$re not beca$se it sa(e! #ost
o& the breast b$t beca$se it sa(e! a %ot o& the %y#'h
no!es"5
An! so, on Dece#ber :K, :EBC, Treya an! I s'ent o$r
honey#oon in roo# 20C, secon! &%oor, Chi%!rens Hos'ita%,
San =rancisco"
0What are yo$ !oin)<0
0I# ha(in) the# sen! $' a cot" I# s%ee'in) in the
roo#"0
0They +ont %et yo$"0
;en #a!e his eyes/ro%%e!/$'/yo$(e/)ot/to/be/*i!!in)
%oo*" 0;i!, a hos'ita% is a terrib%e '%ace to be i& yo$re a
sic* 'erson" There are )er#s in a hos'ita% that yo$ can
)et no+here e%se in the +or%!" I& the )er#s !ont )et
yo$, the &oo! +i%%" I# stayin)" Besi!es, this is o$r
honey#oon, I# not )oin) to %ea(e yo$"0 He )ot a cot
an! s'ent the entire ti#e +ith #e in #y roo#, a %ar)e
'art o& his si1/&oot/&o$r &ra#e !an)%in) o&& the (ery s#a%%
cot they '$t in" Ri)ht be&ore s$r)ery he bro$)ht in
bea$ti&$% &%o+ers" The note sai!, 0=or the other ha%& o& #y
so$%"0
Treya see#e! to ha(e ra'i!%y re)aine! her &ootin)" Her
nat$ra% an! enor#o$s co$ra)e res$r&ace!, an! she %itera%%y
bree8e! thro$)h the +ho%e or!ea%"
:2?:: 2 A%% three o& $s F7eter Richar!s, Treya, an!
;enG ca#e to the sa#e !ecision 2 se)#enta%, 'artia%
a1i%%ary Fre#o(a% o& abo$t ha%& the %y#'h no!esG,
ra!iation" That &e%t )oo!" =ee%in) &ine, .o*in) abo$t it,
!oin) )reat" L$nch at Ma1s, P#as sho''in) +ith ;en"
Ho#e %ate an! e1ha$ste!, b$t +ith #ore o& those
endless erran!s !one" O$t'o$rin) o& #y %o(e &or ;en,
then +antin) to &or)i(e an! sen! #y %o(e to e(erybo!y
in #y %i&e, es'ecia%%y #y &a#i%y"
:2?:H 2 =irst ac$'$nct$re treat#ent, Na', 'ac*e!" To
hote%, !inner Mo# an! Da!, #ore +e!!in) 'resents"
Ca%%e! ;ati Fa sisterG to co#e" Sn$))%e +ith ;en"
:2?:K 2 Nine oc%oc* to hos'ita% 2 're''e! 2 +aitin)
roo# 2 to #y roo# 2 t+o hr" !e%ay" =e%t &ine )oin) into
s$r)ery/&ine co#in) o$t, not too !o'ey" Wo*e at &i(e 2
;en, Da!, Mo#, ;ati there" ;en )ot a cot 2 0other ha%& o&
#y so$%"0 Mor'hine that ni)ht" Interestin) sensations 2
!ri&ty, !rea#y, si#i%ar to #e!itation so#eti#es" Wo*e
#e 'ractica%%y e(ery ho$r &or te#', an! b%oo! 'ress$re"
My b"'" is nat$ra%%y so %o+, ;en ha! to +a*e $' each
ho$r an! ass$re the n$rse, +ho co$%!nt e(en &in! a
'$%se, that I +as a%i(e"
:2?:M 2 S%e't a%% !ay 2 +a%*e! !o+n ha%% +ith ;en
s%o+%y" Mo#, Da!, ;ati, Ioan Fa &rien!G" Dr" R" in, t+enty
no!es o$t, a%% ne)ati(e Fno cancer in her %y#'h no!es,
e1tre#e%y )oo! ne+sG" Wa%*e! +ith S$8annah" Co$%!nt
s%ee' that ni)ht, ca%%e! &or #e!" at &o$r, #or'hine an!
Ty%eno%" 6reat to ha(e ;en there a%% the ti#e, )%a! he
insiste!"
:2?:@ 2 Ca%%e! (ario$s 'eo'%e 2 rea! a %ot 2 Dr" R" by 2
&a#i%y %e&t 2 ;en P#as sho''in) 2 &ee%in) (ery )oo!"
:2?:B 2 Lots o& (isitors 2 ;en on erran!s 2 +a%*e! a %ot
2 rea!in) The (olor -urple" A# sti%% sore, &%$i! sti%%
!rainin)"
:2?:E 2 Chec*e! o$t 2 %$nch at Ma1s 2 P#as
sho''in) +ith ;en/ho#e" Sort o& +ish I! +ritten #ore
abo$t a%% this 2 a# &ee%in) &ine, con&i!ent 2 so#e 'ain the
&irst !ay, es'" +here the F!raina)eG t$bes +ere 2 &ee%in)
so )oo! I so#eti#es +orry I# o(ercon&i!ent9
The i##e!iate i#'act o& the s$r)ery +as 'sycho%o)ica%-
Treya too* the ti#e to be)in an a%#ost co#'%ete
reassess#ent o& +hat she a%+ays ca%%e! her 0%i&es +or*0 2
na#e%y, +hat %as her %i&es +or* s$''ose! to be< As she
e1'%aine! it to #e, this >$estion centere! aro$n! iss$es o&
!oin) (ers$s bein), +hich in this c$%t$re a%so #eans iss$es
o& #asc$%ine (ers$s &e#inine ro%es" Treya, by her acco$nt,
ha! a%+ays (a%$e! doing, +hich is o&ten 4b$t not
necessari%y5 associate! +ith the #asc$%ine, an! she
!e(a%$e! being, +hich is o&ten 4b$t not necessari%y5
associate! +ith the &e#inine"
i,
Doin) (a%$es are (a%$es o&
'ro!$cin) so#ethin), #a*in) so#ethin), achie(in)
so#ethin), they are o&ten a))ressi(e, co#'etiti(e, an!
hierarchica%, they are oriente! to+ar! the &$t$re, an! they
!e'en! $'on r$%es an! .$!)#ent" Basica%%y, !oin) (a%$es
atte#'t to change the 'resent into so#ethin) 0better"0
Bein) (a%$es, on the other han!, are (a%$es o& embracing
the 'resent, (a%$es o& acce'tin) a 'erson &or +hat they are,
not &or +hat they can do, (a%$es o& re%ationshi', inc%$sion,
acce'tance, co#'assion, an! care"
Both o& these (a%$es 2 !oin) an! bein) 2 are e>$a%%y
i#'ortant, I thin*" B$t the 'oint is that, since bein) (a%$es
are o&ten associate! +ith the &e#inine, Treya &e%t that in
o(er(a%$in) the !oin)?#asc$%ine, she ha! act$a%%y
re'resse! in herse%& a +ho%e ran)e o& bein)?&e#inine"
This +as not .$st a 'assin) c$riosity &or Treya" Rather, I
+o$%! say that, in its (ario$s &or#s, it +as the #a.or
'sycho%o)ica% iss$e in Treyas %i&e" A#on) #any other
thin)s, it +as !irect%y res'onsib%e &or her e(ent$a%%y
chan)in) her na#e &ro# 0Terry0 to 0Treya0 2 Terry, she &e%t,
+as a #ans na#e"
A %ot o& iss$es are beco#in) c%earer to #e" =or as
%on) as I can re#e#ber I ha(e beat #yse%& $' +ith the
>$estion 0What is #y %i&es +or*<0 I thin* that 'erha's I
'$t too #$ch e#'hasis on !oin), not eno$)h on bein)" I
+as the o%!est o& &o$r chi%!ren, an! as I )re+ $' I +ante!
to be #y &athers e%!est son" A&ter a%%, in Te1as at that
ti#e the rea%%y i#'ortant 0.obs0 +ere #ens .obs 2 #en
!i! a%% the rea%%y 'ro!$cti(e +or*" I (a%$e! #ens (a%$es,
an! I !i! not +ant to be a Te1as +i&e 2 so I thre+ o(er
#any &e#inine (a%$es, an! &o$)ht the# in #yse%&,
&o$)ht the# any ti#e they ca#e $' in #e" A !enia%, I
be%ie(e, o& #y &e#inine si!e, #y bo!y, #y n$rt$rin), #y
se1$a%ity, +hi%e I a%i)ne! #yse%& +ith #y hea!, #y
&ather, #y %o)ic, #y societys (a%$es"
In &acin) this cancer, I no+ thin* the ans+er to that
b$rnin) >$estion 2 +hat is #y +or*< 2 co#es in t+o
'arts"
:" Ironica%%y 2 in %i)ht o& #y constant resistance to
&in!in) #yse%& thro$)h a #an 2 'art o& #y +or* is
!e&inite%y ta*in) care o& ;en, s$''ortin) his +or* in
+hate(er +ay I can, %earnin) ho+ to !o that +itho$t
%osin) #y a$tono#y, ho+ to %et that o%! &ear !ie a+ay
s%o+%y as I )ro+ into this +or* 2 +hich be)ins &irst by
si#'%y bein) his +i&e an! s$''ort an! *ee'in) a nice
ho$se, a nice '%ace &or hi# to +or* 4hire a #ai!95 an!
seein) +hat e%se that #i)ht )ro+ into" B$t it be)ins by
s$''ortin) hi# an! his +or* in a%% those in(isib%e +ays a
+i&e !oes that #y e)o a%+ays re(o%te! a)ainst" B$t no+
its no %on)er an i!ea, the sit$ation is nothin) %i*e the
Te1as #o!e% #y e)o rebe%%e! a)ainst, #y e)os not in
the sa#e state it +as then" His +or* is, I be%ie(e,
incre!ib%y i#'ortant an! on a %e(e% o& contrib$tion to the
+ho%e +ay beyon! +hat I co$%! )et $' to 4not #eant to
be se%&/!eni)ratin), .$st honest5, an! besi!es, its ;en
I# ta%*in) abo$t, an! I abso%$te%y %o(e hi#" He is c%ear%y,
abso%$te%y, at the center o& #y +or*" I !ont thin* I co$%!
co#e to this '%ace at a%% i& ;en act$a%%y +ante! #e to !o
this, i& he +ante! #e to be the )oo! 0+i&e"0 He '$ts no
!e#an!s on #e at a%%" I& anythin), hes been the +i&e,
ta*in) care o& #e9
2" The secon! e%e#ent that see#s to be co#in) $',
an! connecte! +ith the co$nse%in) an! )ro$' +or* I(e
!one, is cancer +or*" That &ee%s #ore an! #ore +hat I
#i)ht !o" Start by !oin) a boo* on #y e1'erience +ith
cancer, (ario$s theories o& hea%in), inter(ie+ thera'ists
on bo!y/#in! connection, inter(ie+ other cancer
'atients" Then #aybe a (i!eo 2 +e%% see" B$t !e&inite%y
this &ee%s %i*e so#ethin) centra% to #y +or*"
I see that both o& these are &or#s o& 0se%&%ess ser(ice,0
+ays to )et #y e)o o$t o& the +ay an! ser(e others" So
both o& the# !irect%y tie into #y %i&e%on) !esire to '$rs$e
a s'irit$a% !isci'%ine" E(erythin) is startin) to co#e
to)ether9
I a# &ee%in) an o'enin) in #y bein)
=ee%in) an o'enin) bet+een #y hea! an! #y heart,
#y &ather an! #other, #y #in! an! #y bo!y,
My #a%e an! &e#a%e, #y scientist an! #y artist"
One the &eat$re +riter, the other the 'oet"
One the res'onsib%e e%!est chi%!, ta*in) a&ter her &ather
Who *e't his &a#i%y to)ether,
The other the '%ay&$%, e1'%orer, a!(ent$rer, #ystic
This +as by no #eans the so%$tion or the &ina% (ersion o&
Treyas search &or her (ocation, &or her 0tr$e +or*,0 b$t it
+as a start" I co$%! sense a shi&t in her, an inner hea%in) o&
sorts, an inte)ratin), a ba%ancin)"
We ca#e to re&er to her search &or her 0+or*0 as a
search &or her 0!ae#on0 2 the 6ree* +or! that in c%assica%
#ytho%o)y re&ers to 0a )o! +ithin,0 ones inner !eity or
)$i!in) s'irit, a%so *no+n as a )enii or .inn, the t$te%ary
!eity or )eni$s o& a 'erson, ones !ae#on or )enii is a%so
sai! to be synony#o$s +ith ones &ate or &ort$ne" Treya ha!
not yet &o$n! her &ate, her )eni$s, her !estiny, her !ae#on,
not in its &ina% &or#, any+ay" I +as to be a 'art o& that &ate,
b$t not >$ite the #ain &oc$s that Treya tho$)ht, I +as #ore
o& a cata%yst" Her !ae#on, rea%%y, +as her o+n hi)her Se%&,
an! it +o$%! soon be e1'resse!, not in +or*, b$t in art"
I, on the other han!, ha! &o$n! #y &ate, #y !ae#on,
an! it +as #y +ritin)" I *ne+ e1act%y +hat I +ante! to !o,
+hy I +ante! to !o it, I *ne+ +hy I +as '$t here, an! +hat I
+as s$''ose! to acco#'%ish" When I +as +ritin) I +as
e1'ressin) #y o+n hi)her Se%&, I ha! no !o$bt or hesitation
abo$t that at a%%" T+o 'ara)ra'hs into the +ritin) o& #y &irst
boo*, +hen I +as t+enty/three years o%!, I *ne+ I ha! co#e
ho#e, &o$n! #yse%&, &o$n! #y '$r'ose, &o$n! #y )o!" I
ha(e since ne(er !o$bte! it once"
B$t there is a stran)e an! horrib%e thin) abo$t ones
!ae#on- When honore! an! acte! $'on, it is in!ee! ones
)$i!in) s'irit, those +ho bear a )o! +ithin brin) )eni$s to
their +or*" When, ho+e(er, ones !ae#on is hear! b$t
$nhee!e!, it is sai! that the !ae#on beco#es a !e#on, or
e(i% s'irit 2 !i(ine ener)y an! ta%ent !e)enerates into se%&/
!estr$cti(e acti(ity" The Christian #ystics, &or e1a#'%e, say
that the &%a#es o& He%% are b$t 6o!s %o(e !enie!, an)e%s
re!$ce! to !e#ons"
6ot a %itt%e e!)y +hen ;en an! Ianice Fa &rien!G +ere
ta%*in) abo$t ho+ #$ch a%i*e they are beca$se i& they
!ont +or* they )et +eir!" ;en han!%es his not +or*in)
+ith !rin* an! other re%a1ations, Ianice says she +or*s
to *ee' &ro# bein) s$ici!a%" See#s to #e they are
!i&&erent #oti(ations 2 ;en has a !ae#on that #a*es
hi# +or* to &$%&i%% it, Ianice has a !e#on that she +or*s
to a(oi!" B$t the 'oint is ;en +as tryin) to #a*e a
connection, $n!erstan!ab%e, an! I )ot a bit +eir! abo$t
it beca$se o& #y insec$rity abo$t +hat I# !oin) no+"
Sa#e o%! story 2 !ont ha(e to +or* beca$se o& so#e
inner !e#on 4Ianice5, an! I ha(ent &o$n! #y !ae#on
4;en5, the +or* I !ee'%y +ant to !o" So#eti#es I thin*
#y rea% 'rob%e# is that I .$st !ont be%ie(e I co$%! e(er
)et rea%%y )oo! at so#ethin), that I ha(e an in&%ate! i!ea
o& ho+ )oo! others are, an! that #aybe by the ti#e I#
&i&ty that +i%% ha(e been c$t !o+n by e1'erience to
#atch rea%ity an! I%% then *no+ I co$%! be )oo! eno$)h"
An! so#eti#es I thin* I .$st ha(e to sto' chasin) #y
!ae#on %on) eno$)h to %et so#e s'ace in #y %i&e &or it to
be)in to sho+ itse%& an! )ro+" I +ant a &$%%/b%o+n '%ant
ri)ht a+ay an! ha(e been too i#'atient to no$rish the
s#a%% shoots eno$)h to see +hich one I choose or
chooses #e"
I nee! to %earn ho+ to rea! the !e'ths o& #y bein),
&in! #y o+n 0)$i!ance0 an! !ae#on" I !ont +ant to %i(e
+itho$t so#e *in! o& &aith in a )reater '$r'ose, e(en i& it
is on%y e(o%$tion9 So I !ont +ant to %et any an)er on #y
'art Fabo$t )ettin) cancerG !i#inish #ystica%
e1'eriences an! their 'o+er to chan)e 'eo'%e in any
+ay" I !ont +ant to %et any bitterness ero!e #y sense o&
the sacre! an! the #eanin)&$% in %i&e, b$t $se it instea!
to !ee'en the nee! &or those e1'%orations an!
$n!erstan!in)s" E(en an)er can be the 0st$&&0 thro$)h
+hich 6o! or this e(o%$tionary &orce #ani&ests an!
+or*s" I# sti%% intereste! in ho+ 'eo'%e chan)e, ho+
they &in! #eanin) an! '$r'ose in their %i(es" I !e&inite%y
reco)ni8e in #yse%& a nee! &or a +or*, a *in! o&
&o$n!ation &or the #ore a#or'ho$s +or* o& the
=in!horns an! Win!stars" I &ee% ;en an! cancer +or* are
a bi) 'art o& that &o$n!ation" B$t I nee! in #yse%& the
co$nter'art o& ;ens +ritin), Ste(ens architect$re,
Cathys !ance" I reco)ni8e in #e F+hat Hari!as
Cha$!h$ri ca%%sG 0the nee! &or se%&/creation an! creati(e
acco#'%ish#ent,0 #y 0+i%% to se%&/$n&o%!#ent"0
To contin$e on that 'ath I nee! to &in! +ays to )et in
better to$ch +ith #y !ee' 'syche, the inner 'rinci'%e o&
on)oin) 'ersona% )ro+th" That is as c%ose as I can )et to
6o! +ithin #e, %earnin) to $n!erstan! an! &o%%o+ that is
the sa#e as hearin) an! obeyin) 6o!s +i%%" 6oin) +ithin
an! )ettin) in to$ch +ith the !ee'est, #ost tr$e 'art o&
onese%& " " " )ettin) to *no+ it, no$rish it, %et it )ro+ #ore
#at$re " " " in(est it +ith 'o+er 4reco)ni8in) it as the
inner 6o!5 " " " an! !e(e%o' the +i%% to &o%%o+ that inner
!irection " " " the abi%ity to test its tr$th an! the &aith an!
co$ra)e to &o%%o+ it e(en +hen it contra!icts the rationa%
#in! o& o$r consens$s rea%ity" So thats #y tas* no+" " " "
In the co#in) ni)ht#are that Treya an! I en!$re!, 'art
o& her tor#ent +as that she ha! not yet &o$n! her !ae#on,
#y tor#ent +as that, once ha(in) ha! #ine, I +atche! it
s%i' a+ay" My an)e%s star(e! into !e#ons, an! I +as (ery
near%y !estroye! by that 'artic$%ar (ariety o& he%%"
We s'ent Christ#as in Lare!o +ith the &a#i%y 4a&ter a
brie& sto' in Ho$ston at M" D" An!erson Hos'ita%5, an! then
ret$rne! to M$ir Beach &or Treya to be)in her ra!iation
treat#ents +ith Dr" Si#eon Cantri%, 0Si#0 to his &rien!s" Si#
+as a bri%%iant, (ery %i*ab%e #an, +ho ha! %ost a +i&e to
cancer, b$t his inte%%ect$a% intensity so#eti#es ca#e
across as a 'ersona% br$s>$eness, or e(en co%!ness, +hich,
a%tho$)h a &a%se i#'ression, +as nonethe%ess inti#i!atin)"
Th$s, in a!!ition to )i(in) Treya to'notch ra!iothera'y, he
)a(e her the chance to 'o%ish her asserti(eness trainin)
+ith !octors, a trainin) she bro$)ht to the brin* o&
'er&ection"
They !ont )i(e yo$ the +hi'" 3o$ ha(e to '$sh, an!
as*, an! '$sh, an! abo(e a%%, !ont &ee% &oo%ish" An!
es'ecia%%y !ont be '$t o&& by their air o& b$syness, the
&ee%in) that their ti#e is so (a%$ab%e they can har!%y
ans+er >$estions" Its yo$r %i&e thats at sta*e" As* yo$r
>$estions"
This asserti(eness +as si#'%y 'art o& a 0ta*e/char)e0
attit$!e that Treya increasin)%y bro$)ht to her i%%ness"
D$rin) the &i(e an! one/ha%& +ee*s o& !ai%y ra!iation
treat#ent 2 itse%& a 'ain%ess 'roce!$re +hose on%y #a.or
si!e e&&ect +as a #i%! b$t )ro+in) &ati)$e, +ith occasiona%
&%$%i*e sy#'to#s 2 !$rin) this 'erio!, Treya be)an to
i#'%e#ent her #ain a)en!a- chan)e those thin)s in yo$r
%i&e that nee! chan)in) any+ay"
Starte! ra!iation treat#ent to!ay" I# &ee%in) (ery
e1cite! o(er the !isci'%ine?re)$%arity o& the 'rocess,
!oin) it on a !ai%y basis, he%'in) +ith #y !isci'%ine in
other areas" I(e starte! ta*in) %on) !ai%y +a%*s" I &ee% I
nee! a 'ro.ect, so#e +or* &oc$s to see #e thro$)h this
ti#e 2 I nee! to e1'ress #y ener)y o$t+ar! rather than
t$rnin) it in on #yse%&, so I# +or*in) on #y boo* on
cancer" ;en is !oin) the #e)a(ita#in thera'y &or #e 2
hes a traine! bioche#ist, a&ter a%%9 He b$ys h$)e
batches o& o(er &i&ty n$trients an! #i1es the# $' in the
*itchen sin*, +hi%e he #a*es &$nny #a! scientist
so$n!s" Hes a%so ta*en o(er #ost o& the coo*in),
beco#in) #y !ietician as +e%%" He is a &ab$%o$s coo*9
An! his $no&&icia% .ob is to *ee' #e %a$)hin)" I ca#e
ho#e yester!ay, an! as*e! hi# ho+ he +as !oin)" He
sai!, 0Oh Christ, horrib%e !ay" S#ashe! the car, b$rnt
the !inner, beat #y +i&e" Oh, he%%, &or)ot to beat #y +i&e
"""0 an! starte! chasin) #e aro$n! the *itchen tab%e"
In a!!ition to #e!itation, e1ercise, ac$'$nct$re,
(ita#ins, !iet, an! #y boo*, I(e starte! (is$a%i8ation,
I# seein) t+o ho%istic !octors, an! I# '$ttin) #ore
ener)y into this .o$rna%9 ;ee'in) this .o$rna% is 'art o&
the c$re" On%y re)ret o(er P#as is that I +as %a8y abo$t
a%% this, ate +hat +as there, !i!nt #e!itate or e1ercise,
%et it a%% )et 'retty #$r*y, s%i' a+ay &ro# #e"
No+ &ee% I# ta*in) char)e, as*in) >$estions, ta*in)
res'onsibi%ity" In on%y t+o !ays the 'ain F&ro# s$r)eryG
+ent a+ay, is there a ca$sa% connection< Its i#'ortant
to &ee% I can !o so#ethin) to he%', to )et better, not .$st
thro+ #yse%& o(er to the !octors"
Rea!in) FNor#anG Co$sinss The Healing Heart 2 says
he ne(er )ot !e'resse!, a%+ays &oc$se! on +hat he
co$%! !o to reco(er" Thats )reat, b$t I )et !e'resse! 2
&ee% 'art o& it is the $ncertainty aro$n! +hat ca$se! the
cancer, +hy I )ot it" Its #$ch c%earer +ith heart !isease
2 stress an! !iet" B$t I !o *no+ +hat I nee! to chan)e,
so I# &oc$sin) on that9 I *no+ that as %on) as I#
rea!in) an! thin*in) an! +or*in) at it, #y s'irits stay
hi)h" When I &ee% %i*e a (icti# or %ea(e it $' to the !octor
or +ant ;en to !o it, I )et !e'resse!" Lesson in +i%% to
%i(e"
As i#'ortant as this 0ta*e/char)e0 attit$!e +as, it +as
sti%% on%y ha%& the e>$ation" In a!!ition to %earnin) ho+ to
ta*e contro% an! ass$#e res'onsibi%ity, a 'erson a%so nee!s
to %earn +hen an! ho+ to %et )o, to s$rren!er, to )o +ith
the &%o+ an! not resist or &i)ht it" Lettin) )o (ers$s ta*in)
contro% 2 this is, o& co$rse, .$st another (ersion o& bein)
(ers$s !oin), that 'ri#or!ia% 'o%arity o& yin an! yan) that
ass$#es a tho$san! !i&&erent &or#s an! is ne(er
e1ha$ste!" It is not that yin or yan) is ri)ht, that bein) is
better than !oin) 2 its a >$estion o& &in!in) the ri)ht
ba%ance, &in!in) the nat$ra% har#ony bet+een yin an! yan)
that the ancient Chinese ca%%e! the Tao" =in!in) that
ba%ance 2 bet+een !oin) an! bein), contro%%in) an!
a%%o+in), resistin) an! o'enin), &i)htin) an! s$rren!erin),
+i%%in) an! acce'tin) 2 &in!in) that ba%ance beca#e the
centra% iss$e in Treyas con&rontation +ith cancer 4.$st as it
+as her #ain 'sycho%o)ica% iss$e as +e%%5" We +o$%! both
co#e bac* to this >$estion o& ba%ance a)ain an! a)ain an!
a)ain, each ti#e +ith a s%i)ht%y !i&&erent 'ers'ecti(e"
Ba%ance the +i%% to %i(e +ith the acce'tance o& !eath"
Both nee!e!" I nee! to %earn that ba%ance" I &ee% that I
a%rea!y acce't !eath, I# +orrie! that I a# not a&rai! to
!ie, +orrie! that #eans I #i)ht +ant to !ie" B$t I !ont
+ant to !ie, I# .$st not a&rai! o& it" I !ont +ant to %ea(e
;en9 So I# )oin) to &i)ht9
B$t I a%so *no+, &ro# recent%y s'en!in) ti#e +ith
Ierry Ia#'o%s*y F+ho +rote se(era% boo*s base! on *
(ourse in $iracles, #ost notab%y Lo#e ,s Letting +o of
"earG that I nee! to %earn to %et )o 2 as Ierry says, 0Let )o
an! %et 6o!"0 He rea%%y shoo* #e o$t o& #y st$&&" Instea!
o& tryin) to chan)e #yse%& or others, try &or)i(eness,
&or)i(in) #yse%& an! &or)i(in) others" An! i& I cant
&or)i(e so#ebo!y 4i& #y e)o +ont %et #e &or)i(e
so#ebo!y5, then as* the Ho%y S'irit in #e to &or)i(e" Its
%i*e as*in) #y hi)her Se%& to &or)i(e others, an! &or)i(e
#e" 06o! is the %o(e in +hich I &or)i(e,0 as the (ourse
says"
=or)i(in) #yse%& #eans acce'tin) #yse%&" 6$%'9 This
#eans )i(in) $' an o%! &rien! o& #ine 2 se%&/criticis#" My
scor'ion co#'anion" When I (is$a%i8e a%% the thin)s that
*ee' #e &ro# &ee%in) ri)ht abo$t #yse%&, then, $' hi)her
than the rest, as a *in! o& bac*!ro' to a%% #y other
0'rob%e#s,0 is a &i)$re o& a scor'ion +ith its tai% arche!
o(er its bac*" On the (er)e o& stin)in) itse%&" This is #y
se%&/criticis#, c$ttin) #yse%& !o+n re%ent%ess%y, &ee%in)
$n%o(ab%e, the bac*)ro$n! &ee%in) behin! a%% the other
'rob%e#s, the )rie(ances a)ainst #yse%& that *ee' #e
&ro# seein) the %i)ht an! the #irac%es that can on%y be
seen in that %i)ht" H###" The bi) one" 6ettin) better,
b$t sti%% the bi) one" A to$ch o& an aci! &ee%in) in #y
sto#ach +hen I thin* o& it" What the 'oison I )i(e #yse%&
&ee%s %i*e +hen I s+a%%o+ it"
I $se! to +rite !o+n nice thin)s 'eo'%e +o$%! say
abo$t #e beca$se I co$%!nt >$ite be%ie(e so#eone &e%t
that +ay abo$t #e" I so#eti#es see# to ha(e tro$b%e
be%ie(in) that so#eone co$%! rea%%y %o(e #e 2 %i*e
theres a )a' bet+een #y *no+in) I# a )oo! 'erson,
'eo'%e rea%%y %i*e bein) aro$n! #e, I# inte%%i)ent,
'retty, etc" 2 an! yet so#eti#es I !ont see +hy anyone
4a #an, es'ecia%%y5 co$%!?+o$%! rea%%y %o(e #e"
It +asnt that Treya ha!nt 0acco#'%ishe!0 a %ot, 0!one0
a %ot, &or she ha!" She ha! )ra!$ate! +ith !istinction &ro#
Mo$nt Ho%yo*e, an! ta$)ht En)%ish %iterat$re be&ore
ret$rnin) to Boston Dni(ersity &or a #asters !e)ree, ha!
he%'e! &o$n! Win!star an! ser(e! as its !irector o&
e!$cation &or three years, ha! recei(e! a #asters in
'sycho%o)ica% co$nse%in) &ro# the Ca%i&ornia Instit$te o&
Inte)ra% St$!ies, ha! +or*e! at =in!horn &or three years,
+as on the boar! o& the Roc*y Mo$ntain Instit$te, a
#e#ber o& the Thresho%! =o$n!ation, &aci%itator in the D"S"
2 D"S"S"R" 3o$th E1chan)e 7ro)ra#" An! her 0%ist o& !oin),0
as she ca%%e! it, +o$%! contin$e to )ro+ to incre!ib%y
i#'ressi(e !i#ensions 2 a#on) other thin)s, her +ritin)s
on cancer an! i%%ness a%one +o$%! reach an esti#ate! one
million 'eo'%e aro$n! the +or%!"
An! yet, 'artic$%ar%y at this 'oint in ti#e, beca$se Treya
!i!nt (ery #$ch ac*no+%e!)e or (a%$e the bein) as'ects o&
herse%&, she honest%y co$%! not &i)$re o$t +hy 'eo'%e %i*e!
her so #$ch, %o(e! her so #$ch, +ante! to be aro$n! her
so #$ch" It +as her e1traor!inary bein) they +ere attracte!
to, not so#e %ist o& !oin), as i#'ortant as a%% that is, an!
Treya see#e! to be o(er%oo*in) this, !e(a%$in) this,
entire%y"
There +ere ti#es that she +as totally &%abber)aste! that
I %o(e! her, +hich tota%%y &%abber)aste! #e" D$rin) that &irst
year, +e ha! this con(ersation a !o8en ti#es- 03o$ !ont
see +hy I %o(e yo$< Are yo$ *i!!in) #e< 3o$re serio$s,
arent yo$< I %o(e yo$ tota%%y, s+eetie, an! yo$ *no+ it" I#
here &or yo$ t+enty/&o$r ho$rs a !ay beca$se I# cra8y
abo$t yo$9 3o$ thin* that beca$se yo$ ha(ent &o$n! yo$r
$%ti#ate (ocation 2 yo$ thin* yo$ are +orth%ess" 3o$%% &in!
it, I# s$re, b$t in the #eanti#e yo$ co#'%ete%y o(er%oo*
yo$r bein), yo$r 'resence, yo$r ener)y, yo$r inte)rity" Are
yo$ *i!!in)< 7eo'%e are abso%$te%y n$ts abo$t yo$, yo$
*no+ that" I ha(e ne#er seen anybo!y +ith the n$#ber o&
a#a8in) an! tota%%y !e!icate! &rien!s that yo$ ha(e" We a%%
%o(e yo$ &or +hat yo$ are, not +hat yo$ !o"0
That #essa)e is s%o+%y b$t !e&inite%y sin*in) in" Ierry
+ent o(er the sa#e 'oint" 03o$ are %o(ab%e as yo$ are,
ri)ht no+, an! yo$ !ont nee! anythin) e%se a!!e!" I&
yo$ cant thin* o& any reason that yo$re %o(ab%e, then
thin* this- yo$ are 6o!s creation, yo$ are as 6o!
create! yo$"0 I can &ee% that in the 'resent #o#ent 2
ri)ht no+ I &ee% %o(ab%e 2 b$t +hen I a!! 'ast an! &$t$re I
sti%% &ee% I nee! to !o so#ethin)"
With ;en its sti%% so ne+" I tr$st hi# co#'%ete%y, b$t
theres sti%% that %itt%e )ir% +hos a&rai! so#e!ay he +ont
be there" An! I !ont *no+ ho+ to satis&y that %itt%e )ir%,
that ho%e at the center" Wi%% on%y ti#e 'ro(e her
other+ise, ;en bein) there year a&ter year, or +i%% that
ho%e ne(er be &i%%e!< Hes been so &antastic I ha(e to %et
that in9 When I as* hi# i& hes )oin) to be aro$n!, he
a%+ays says, 0He%%, *i!, I !ont *no+, as* #e in t+enty
years"0 What c%earer 'roo& !o I nee! that 6o! %o(es #e
than to ha(e ;en by #y si!e<
My &ear o& !e'en!ence, !e'en!in) on so#ebo!y, a
!eter#ination to !o it a%% #yse%& 2 'art o& not +antin)
others to !o anythin) &or #e is a &ear o& !e'en!in) on
the# an! then bein) %et !o+n" Last ni)ht I !rea#t that
an earth>$a*e +as co#in) 2 I an! others +ere 're'arin)
&or it" At the %ast #in$te I !o$bte! that #y 're'arations
+ere eno$)h 4eno$)h &oo!, etc"5 an! as*e! another
+o#an i& I co$%! )o +ith her to her she%ter" A sense o&
tryin) to !o it on #y o+n &irst an! then as*in) &or he%'<
I &e%t I t$rne! a corner +ith Ierry 2 a sense o& ho+ I
!ont nee! to be in char)e o& e(erythin)9 I can .$st be,
not ha(e to !o a%% the ti#e" An! so I ha(e %et )o into the
ra!iation, a# no %on)er resistin) it" I (is$a%i8e hea%thy
tiss$e )ro+in) bac* in" My initia% resistance to ra!iation
is si#i%ar to other resistances to %ettin) )o" So .$st- Let
)o an! %et 6o!"
On the +ho%e this e1'erience Fo& cancer an! the
ra!iation treat#entG has &e%t %i*e an in(itation to %i(e
#ore &$%%y, %ess tentati(e%y" I &i)$re its a%so an in(itation
to be *in!er to #yse%& 2 to %et $' on #yse%&, to .$st !ro'
the constant scor'ion o& se%&/criticis# an! 0$n%o(abi%ity"0
I can '$t it (ery si#'%y- I %i(e %i&e easier these !ays"
An! so the %esson &or both o& $s +as (ery c%ear, i& tric*y
to i#'%e#ent- ba%ance bein) an! !oin), ba%ance an
acce'tance o& yo$rse%&, .$st as yo$, +ith a !eter#ination to
chan)e those thin)s abo$t yo$rse%& that nee! to be
chan)e!" Bein) #eant- %ettin) )o an! %ettin) 6o!,
acce'tin), tr$stin), &aith, &or)i(in)" Doin) #eant- ass$#in)
res'onsibi%ity &or those thin)s, an! on%y those thin)s, that
can be chan)e!, an! then +or*in) as har! as yo$ can
to+ar! chan)in) the#" This is the ti#e/honore! +is!o# in
the si#'%e an! 'ro&o$n! 'rayer-
6o! )rant #e the serenity to acce't
the thin)s I cannot chan)e,
The co$ra)e to chan)e the thin)s I can,
An! the +is!o# to *no+ the !i&&erence"
Treya an! I s'ent the s$##er in As'en" Treya ha! %i(e!
there on an! o&& &or ten years, she consi!ere! it in #any
+ays her ho#e" A&ter %ea(in) =in!horn, Treya ha! ret$rne!
to As'en, +here she he%'e! &o$n! Win!star +ith Iohn
Den(er, Tho#as Cr$#, Ste(en Con)er, an! se(era% others
4it beca#e the &a(orite ha$nt o& B$c*y =$%%er5" She a%so
.oine! the boar! o& the Roc*y Mo$ntain Instit$te, +hich is
r$n by her &rien!s A#ory an! H$nter Lo(ins an! is )enera%%y
re)ar!e! as the &inest a%ternati(e ener)y thin* tan* in the
+or%!" So #any )oo! &rien!s 2 St$art Mace, the ori)ina%
'ioneer 4technica% cons$%tant on 0Ser)eant 3$*on o& the
Roya% Mo$nties05, best &rien! Lin!a Con)er, Cathy Cr$#,
Annie Den(er, Br$ce 6or!on, =ather Michae% Ab!o 4+ho
'resi!e! at o$r +e!!in)5 an! =ather Tho#as ;eatin), +ho
r$n the Cistercian #onastery at O%! Sno+#ass" It +as these
&rien!s an! centers, a%on) +ith the st$nnin) nat$ra% bea$ty
o& the trai%s an! #o$ntains 2 an! not the rather !is>$ietin)
)%itterati that e(en then +as be)innin) to oo8e o(er As'en 2
that #a!e Treya consi!er it ho#e"
What a s$##er it +as" Treya ha! so #any +on!er&$%
&rien!s, a%% o& +ho# I %i*e! i##e!iate%y" I #yse%& honest%y
ha! ne(er *no+n anybo!y +ho )enerate! s$ch o'en %o(e
an! !e(otion in 'eo'%e, the ener)y an! inte)rity that
see#e! to ra!iate &ro# Treya attracte! both #en an!
+o#en %i*e a bene(o%ent Siren" 7eo'%e .$st +ante! to be
aro$n! her, be in her 'resence, an! she a%+ays res'on!e!,
ne(er t$rne! a+ay"
I, o& co$rse, +as +ritin) a boo*, Transformations of
(onsciousness1 (ontemplati#e and (on#entional
-erspecti#es on De#elopment, +hich I coa$thore! +ith Iac*
En)%er an! Danie% 7" Bro+n, t+o Har(ar! 'ro&essors +ho
s'ecia%i8e! in East?West 'sycho%o)y" The essence o& this
boo* +as that i& +e ta*e the (ario$s psychological #o!e%s
o&&ere! by the West 4=re$!ian, co)niti(e, %in)$istic, ob.ect
re%ationa%, etc"5 an! co#bine the# +ith the s'irit$a% #o!e%s
o& the East 4an! Western #ystics5, then +e arri(e at a &$%%/
s'ectr$# #o!e% o& h$#an )ro+th an! !e(e%o'#ent, a
#o!e% that traces h$#an )ro+th &ro# bo!y to #in! to so$%
to s'irit" Whats #ore, $sin) this o(era%% #a' o& h$#an
!e(e%o'#ent, +e can rather easi%y 'in'oint the (ario$s
ty'es o& 0ne$roses0 that #en an! +o#en #ay !e(e%o', an!
conse>$ent%y choose #ore acc$rate%y the ty'e o& treat#ent
or thera'y that +o$%! be #ost a''ro'riate an! e&&ecti(e &or
each 'rob%e#" The /e% 7or! Times ca%%e! it 0the #ost
i#'ortant an! so'histicate! synthesis o& 'sycho%o)ies East
an! West to e#er)e yet"0
As &or Treya an! #e, o$r &a(orite acti(ity +as sti%% (ery
si#'%e- sittin) on the so&a, o$r ar#s aro$n! each other,
&ee%in) the !ancin) ener)ies in o$r bo!y" So o&ten +e +ere
ta*en beyon! o$rse%(es to that '%ace +here !eath is a
stran)er an! %o(e a%one shines, +here so$%s $nite &or a%%
eternity an! a sin)%e e#brace %i)hts $' the s'heres 2 the
si#'%est +ay to !isco(er that 6o! #ost !e&inite%y is
e#bo!ie!, %o(e o& the t+o/ar#e! &or#"
An! yet this bro$)ht its o+n !i%e##a &or #e- the #ore I
%o(e! Treya, the #ore I &eare! an! +as obsesse! +ith her
!eath" This +as a constant re#in!er o& one o& the centra%
tenets o& B$!!his# 4an! #ysticis# in )enera%5- e(erythin)
is i#'er#anent, e(erythin) 'asses, nothin) re#ains,
nothin) %asts" On%y the +ho%e en!$res eterna%%y, a%% 'arts
are !oo#e! to !eath an! !ecay" In #e!itati(e or #ystica%
a+areness, beyon! the 'rison o& in!i(i!$a%ity, one can taste
the +ho%e an! esca'e the &ate o& a 'art, one is re%ease!
&ro# s$&&erin) an! &ro# the terror o& #orta%ity" B$t in #y
#e!itation I co$%! not s$stain that a+areness &or (ery %on),
I +as sti%% a no(ice in #ystica% 'ractice" An! a%tho$)h Treya
an! I co$%! o&ten enter the +ho%e by a si#'%e e#brace, that
too +o$%! soon &a!e, as i& both o& o$r so$%s ha! not yet
)ro+n eno$)h to contain the %ar)ess o&&ere!"
An! so I +o$%! ret$rn to the or!inary +or%! o& #anyness,
not +here ;en an! Treya +ere one beyon! ti#e, b$t +here
this 'art ;en %o(e! that 'art Treya, an! that 'art Treya
#i)ht !ie" The tho$)ht o& %osin) her +as $nbearab%e" The
on%y reco$rse I ha! +as to try to stay in the a+areness o&
i#'er#anence, +here yo$ %o(e thin)s 'recise%y because
they are &%eetin)" I +as s%o+%y %earnin) that %o(e !i! not
#ean ho%!in) on, +hich I ha! a%+ays tho$)ht, b$t rather
%ettin) )o"
It +as !$rin) this other+ise bea$ti&$% s$##er that Treya
an! I rea%i8e! one o& the rea% ni)ht#ares o& bein) a cancer
'atient" I& I +a*e $' in the #ornin) an! I ha(e a hea!ache,
or #y .oints h$rt, or I ha(e a sore throat, I +i%% 'robab%y .$st
shr$) it o&& an! )o abo$t #y !ay" I& a cancer 'atient +a*es
$' +ith any o& those sy#'to#s, ho+e(er, they #ean-
'ossib%e brain t$#or, 'ossib%e bone #etastases, 'ossib%e
throat cancer" E(ery %itt%e t+itch an! t+in)e ass$#es
o#ino$s an! threatenin) 'ro'ortions" In the +ee*s,
#onths, e(en years a&ter a br$sh +ith cancer, yo$r bo!ys
sensations cons'ire to in&%ict a *in! o& e#otiona% Chinese
+ater tort$re on yo$"
To+ar! the en! o& the s$##er in As'en, this s$bt%e
tort$re +as ha(in) its c$#$%ati(e e&&ect on both o& $s, an!
es'ecia%%y, o& co$rse, on Treya"
I ha! been &ee%in) ba!%y &or so#e ti#e, s%ee'in) %ate,
so#eti#es ti%% noon, a%+ays ti%% nine, an! +orryin)" What
!oes this #ean< Co$%! it be a ret$rn o& cancer< Then the
(oice o& reason on the other si!e" Dont be &oo%ish, yo$re
o(erreactin)" 3o$re t$rnin) into a hy'ochon!riac" I$st
+ait ti%% yo$ )et bac* to Ca%i&ornia &or yo$r b%oo! test"
Maybe yo$re .$st !e'resse! +ith nothin) cha%%en)in) to
!o ri)ht no+"
B$t I! %on) a)o 'ro#ise! #yse%& to &o%%o+ $' on
these &ee%in)s" E(en i& #ost o& the ti#e I# scarin)
#yse%& +ith &a%se cries o& 0the +o%& is co#in),0 I +ant to
be s$re not to #iss a rea% +o%&, a rea% sy#'to#, by
ca%%in) #yse%& a hy'ochon!riac" Maybe I a#, b$t there is
nothin) better than ear%y !etection i& so#ethin) is rea%%y
ha''enin)" So I ca%%e! #y o%! !octor in As'en"
As I +a%*e! into the b$i%!in), the tears be)an to +e%%
$' insi!e" A stran)e #i1t$re o& &ear, &ee%in) sorry &or
#yse%&, an! si#'%y nee!in) to cry abo$t the +ho%e thin)"
The +orry abo$t 'ossib%e rec$rrence, the &ear I #i)ht not
ha(e that #$ch %on)er +ith ;en, the +renchin) inner
a!.$st#ents o& &acin) %i&e an! !eath in a ne+ +ay """ a%%
that b$i%!s $' an! e(ery so o&ten tears are the best +ay
to re%ease the tension" A%#ost %i*e %ancin) a +o$n! so it
can hea% #ore >$ic*%y"
Once in the !octors o&&ice I to%! the n$rse +hat I!
co#e &or" An! a%% the +hi%e the tears +ere so, so c%ose to
the s$r&ace" I $se! to ha(e s$ch )oo! contro%, I
re#e#ber thin*in)" Thats been s+e't a+ay by a%% this" I
ne(er tho$)ht I! be $nab%e to ca%% on that contro% +hen I
rea%%y nee!e! it" When the n$rse %e&t, I )rabbe! a
*%eene1 an! stare! at a 7eo'%e #a)a8ine an! str$))%e!
+ith #y tho$)hts +hi%e the tears %ea*e! s%o+%y o$t o& #y
eyes" So +hat, i& I cry, I cry, I !eci!e!" An! it%% 'robab%y
&ee% )oo!, too" Won!er +hy I# sti%% e#barrasse! by
cryin)"
My !octor ca#e in" Dr" Whitco#b" Hes a s+eetheart
o& a #an, I(e a%+ays rea%%y tr$ste! hi#, both as a
'erson an! as a !octor" He +as +on!er&$%" He ass$re!
#e that the tra$#a #y i##$ne syste# ha! s$&&ere!
$n!er )enera% anaesthetic an! ra!iation, co#bine! +ith
the hay &e(er an! a%%er)ies I a%+ays s$&&er &ro# !$rin)
#y be%o(e! Co%ora!o s$##ers, +as eno$)h to acco$nt
&or #y tire!ness" He a%so %ect$re! #e 2 I nee! to hear
this %ect$re e(ery year or so 2 abo$t #y !iet" Eat on%y
(e)etab%es, &r$it, an! +ho%e )rains, be s$re to +ash
e(erythin) +e%% to )et the 'estici!es o&&, !ont !rin*
ch%orinate! +ater, !ont eat #eat beca$se o& the
hor#ones an! antibiotics ani#a%s are &e!, tho$)h +hite
&ish e(ery so o&ten is &ine, an! start e1ercisin) a)ain"
Ta*e as #$ch b$&&ere! (ita#in C as yo$r bo!y can
han!%e to he%' yo$r a%%er)ies" Dont ta*e antihista#ines
$n%ess yo$ rea%%y nee! to, they on%y #as* yo$r
sy#'to#s" Be care&$% o& yeast/base! (ita#ins, es'ecia%%y
the B (ita#ins, since 'eo'%e +ith a%%er)ies $s$a%%y react
to yeast" Dse hy'o/a%%er)enic (ita#ins" Ta*e aci!o'hi%$s"
There +as #ore" I crie!" I &e%t it +as O;, he
e#'athi8e! +ith +hat I! been thro$)h an! +hat #i)ht
%ie ahea!" I &e%t $n!erstoo!" An! I &e%t #$ch better +hen I
+a%*e! o$t o& there, ar#e! +ith #y hy'oa%%er)enic
(ita#ins" Certain%y a hi)h 'ercenta)e o& a !octors +or*
in(o%(es e#otiona% an! 'sycho%o)ica% hea%in)"
One o& ;ens boo*s t$rne! o$t to be s$r'risin)%y
hea%in) too" Rea!in) ;p from )den )a(e #e a !ee'er
$n!erstan!in) o& ho+ an! +hy 'eo'%e re'ress !eath, or
!eny an! hi!e &ro# their o+n #orta%ity" ;en trace! &o$r
#a.or historica% e'ochs 2 archaic, #a)ic, #ythic, an!
#enta% 2 an! sho+e! ho+ h$#an bein)s at each sta)e
trie! to a(oi! !eath by constr$ctin) 0i##orta%ity
sy#bo%s"0 The )reat re'ression is o& !eath, not se1"
Death is the %ast an! )reat taboo" Seein) the a%#ost
in&inite n$#ber o& +ays that #an*in! has trie! to !eny
!eath, re'ress it, a(oi! it, he%'e! #e %oo* at !eath #ore
o'en%y an! not try to !eny it or '$sh it a+ay" An!
besi!es, ;ens +ho%e 'oint +as that co#in) to ter#s
+ith !eath, acce'tin) !eath, +as necessary in or!er &or
s'irit$a% )ro+th to occ$r at a%%" 3o$ ha(e to !ie to the
e)o in or!er to a+a*en as S'irit" The #essa)e o& the
boo* +as that the !enia% o& !eath is the !enia% o& 6o!"
I re#e#ber (ery +e%% #y attit$!e +hen I &irst
!isco(ere! I ha! breast cancer" It +ent so#ethin) %i*e
+e%%, i& I# )oin) to !ie, I# )oin) to !ie" Its bo$n! to
ha''en so#eti#e" I !i!nt &ee% terrib%y a&rai! o& !eath
itse%&, tho$)h the 'ros'ect o& a %on) an! 'ain&$% 'rocess
o& !yin) +as &ri)htenin)" I &e%t >$ite acce'tin), e(en
resi)ne!, a%% inter#i1e! +ith the &ear o& not *no+in) an!
)rie& at the shoc* o& this !isco(ery" B$t the #ain &ee%in)
+as, i& this is the +ay it +as )oin) to be, so be it"
B$t then that &ee%in) be)an to chan)e" As I rea! #ore
an! ta%*e! to #ore 'eo'%e I !eci!e! this acce'tin)
'ost$re #i)ht be !an)ero$s" I beca#e a&rai! that i& I
!i!nt +i%% to %i(e #ore stron)%y I #i)ht brin) $'on #yse%&
an ear%ier !eath" I !eci!e! that I ha(e to choose, (ery
s'eci&ica%%y an! !e&inite%y, to %i(e, that I ha! to &orce
#yse%& to choose to %i(e"
We%%, that +as a%% &ine" It %e! to so#e >$ic* !ecisions
abo$t #a*in) chan)es" B$t I a%so be)an to +orry #ore"
The easiest +ay to reco)ni8e that +orry +as #y reaction
to the o!! aches an! 'ains +e a%% ha(e" It #i)ht be a
rec$rrence, I +o$%! thin*" Oh no, better ca%% the !octor"
Etc", etc" Not a &$n +ay to %i(e each !ay, to be s$re" B$t
it cre't $' on #e so )ra!$a%%y o(er the #onths I both !i!
an! !i!nt see it"
Rea!in) ;p from )den tore a+ay the %ast (ei% o& se%&/
!ece'tion abo$t +hat I +as !oin) to #yse%&, beca$se it
he%'e! #e see ho+ an! +hy I +as !oin) it" O$r c$%t$re
ha! e(o%(e! to the 'oint +here !eath is 'ercei(e! #ore
*een%y than be&ore" So +e !e(e%o' e(er stron)er an!
#ore s$bt%e +ays to !eny !eath, to a(oi! both its
i##inence an! its necessity" E1istentia% 'hi%oso'hers
ha(e 'ointe! o$t, in n$#ero$s +ays, ho+ this !enia% o&
!eath res$%ts in a %ess acti(e %i&e" In!ee!, its a *in! o&
!enia% o& %i&e since %i&e an! !eath )o han! in han!" I& I#
a&rai! o& !eath, then I +i%% beco#e e1tre#e%y ca$tio$s
an! +orrie! in %i&e, since so#ethin) #i)ht ha''en to #e"
So the #ore I &ear !eath the #ore I &ear %i&e, an! the %ess
I %i(e"
I rea%i8e! that I ha! beco#e )ra!$a%%y #ore an! #ore
in!octrinate! +ith a &ear o& !eath" Thats +hy I! be)$n
to +orry abo$t #y sy#'to#s" I ha!nt seen that the
other si!e o& +i%%in) to %i(e, the ine(itab%e sha!o+ si!e, is
&ear o& not %i(in), &ear o& !yin)" Ho%!in) on to %i&e co#es
to #ean &ear o& %ettin) )o"
So no+ I try to ho%! e(erythin) a bit #ore %i)ht%y, not
so ti)ht%y" Its the ti)ht )ras' that %ea!s #e into thin*in)
in an either?or *in! o& +ay, either I +ant to %i(e or I +i%%
!ie" A %i)ht to$ch, it see#s to #e, %ets #e thin* in a
both?an! *in! o& +ay- I can both !esire to %i(e an! be
+i%%in) to %et )o +hen the ti#e co#es"
Its a ne+ &ee%in) an! I ha(ent >$ite )ot the han) o& it
yet" I sti%% +orry so#e +hen I &ee% tire! or #y eyes h$rt"
B$t I &ee% #ore acce'tin), #ore +i%%in) to )o thro$)h
+ith +hate(er ha''ens" Its easier no+ to .$st note the
sy#'to# an! reso%(e to see the !octor +hen I can,
+hereas be&ore I *in! o& h$n) on to the sy#'to# an!
+orrie! at it in the !ays be&ore I co$%! )et to the !octor"
Li*e ba%ancin) on the e!)e o& a ra8or, tryin) ?
e&&ortin) ? concentratin) ? !isci'%inin) +hi%e at the sa#e
ti#e re#ainin) o'en ? a%%o+in) ? re%a1in) ? .$st bein)"
Bac* an! &orth, bac* an! &orth" I *no+ I# o$t o& ba%ance
2 +hich is #ost o& the ti#e 2 +hen I beco#e a+are o&
the e&&ort or +hen I s%i!e into %a8iness" An! I $se #y
+orry as a c%$e that I# o$t o& ba%ance, that I# han)in)
on to %i&e too ti)ht%y" The ba%ance bet+een +i%% to %i(e an!
acce'tance o& +hat is" Tric*y" B$t it a%% &ee%s #$ch better
this +ay" Worry is a b$##er, '%ain an! si#'%e"
This a%so #eant that Treya re%a1e! a bit abo$t the
strictness o& her 0hea%in) a)en!a0- She +o$%! sti%% +or* on
herse%& 4an! +ith a !isci'%ine that #ost 'eo'%e &o$n!
astonishin)5, an! yet, in her o+n a+areness, she +as
ho%!in) it a%% #$ch #ore %i)ht%y, #$ch %ess obsessi(e%y"
Dinner +ith Nathanie% Bran!en an! his +i&e, De(ers"
Nathanie%s an o%! &rien! o& ;ens, I rea%%y %i*e the# both"
He as*e! i& I! been !oin) #$ch (is$a%i8ation an! I to%!
hi# I ha! !$rin) the ra!iation treat#ent" I sai! I &o$n! it
he%'&$% then, (is$a%i8in) the ra!iation *i%%in) ba! ce%%s
an! the )oo! ce%%s re'airin) the#se%(es >$ic*%y, it )a(e
#e so#e &ee%in) o& 'artici'ation in the 'rocess, so#e
sense o& 'artia% contro% or contain#ent" B$t a&ter+ar!s I
*e't it $' &or a +hi%e then sto''e!, beca$se it see#e! I
ha! to 'ost$%ate an ene#y to contin$e 2 yo$ are
s$''ose! to (is$a%i8e the cancer ce%%s bein) attac*e!,
an! I sa+ no reason to (is$a%i8e cancer ce%%s at a%%" The
on%y 0hea%thy0 thin) I co$%! ha(e contin$e! +ith +as
i#a)in) the breast ce%%s contin$in) to re'air the#se%(es"
E(ery no+ an! then I i#a)ine the i##$ne syste# acti(e
an! on )$ar!" B$t i& I obsessi(e%y !o that, in a ty'e o&
'anic, I# .$st b$yin) into &ear o& !eath"
Nathanie% ha! 'ic*e! $' too on the 'ossibi%ity o&
b%a#in) onese%& as a ne)ati(e si!e res$%t o& Si#ontons
a''roach" I& I can #a*e #yse%& +e%%, then I #$st ha(e
#a!e #yse%& sic*" ;ens a''roach see#s best there " " "
'erha's :0Q to 20Q o& )ettin) sic* is !$e to
'sycho%o)ica% &actors 4(aries +ith the !isease5, b$t a
hi)her 'ercenta)e, say H0Q, o& )ettin) +e%% can be
attrib$te! in 'art to 'sycho%o)ica% &actors"
Nathanie% an! ;en ha! the sa#e &rien!%y ar)$#ent
they a%+ays ha(e" I !ont thin* either o& the# +i%% e(er
)i(e $'9 Nathanie%- 0I thin* yo$ are the c%earest +riter on
#ysticis# aro$n!, an! yet yo$r +ho%e 'osition is se%&/
contra!ictory" 3o$ say that #ysticis# is beco#in) one
+ith the +ho%e" B$t i& I beco#e one +ith the +ho%e, there
+o$%! be no #oti(ation %e&t to #e as an in!i(i!$a%" I
#i)ht as +e%% .$st ro%% o(er an! !ie" H$#an bein)s are
in!i(i!$a%s, not a#or'ho$s +ho%es, so i& I s$ccee! in
beco#in) one +ith a%%, there +o$%!nt e(en be any
reason %e&t &or #e to eat, %et a%one !o anythin) e%se"0
;en- 0Who%e an! 'art are not #$t$a%%y e1c%$si(e"
Mystics sti%% &ee% 'ain, an! h$n)er, an! %a$)hter, an! .oy"
To be 'art o& a %ar)er +ho%e !oesnt #ean that the 'art
e(a'orates, .$st that the 'art &in!s its )ro$n! or its
#eanin)" 3o$ are an in!i(i!$a%, yet yo$ a%so &ee% that
yo$ are a 'art o& the %ar)er $nit o& a &a#i%y, +hich is 'art
o& the %ar)er $nit o& a society" 3o$ a%rea!y &ee% that, yo$
a%rea!y &ee% that yo$ are a 'art o& se(era% %ar)er +ho%es,
an! those +ho%es 2 %i*e yo$r %i&e +ith De(ers 2 )i(e yo$r
%i&e #$ch (a%$e an! #eanin)" Mysticis# is .$st the e(en
%ar)er i!entity o& a%so &ee%in) 'art o& the cos#os at %ar)e,
an! th$s &in!in) e(en )reater #eanin) an! (a%$e"
Nothin) contra!ictory abo$t that" Its a !irect e1'erience
o& a %ar)er i!entity, it !oesnt #ean yo$r ar#s &a%% o&&"0
An! so it +ent9
Dri(in) ho#e I *e't te%%in) ;en %itt%e thin)s he !oes
that I %o(e" He sai! he has !o8ens o& thin)s that are
'roo& o& ho+ #$ch he %o(es #e b$t hes on%y )oin) to
te%% #e the# one at a ti#e, one a year" I ba!)ere! hi#
to at %east te%% #e one e(ery si1 #onths, co#e on honey"
T$rns o$t this is one o& his +ays to *ee' #e aro$n! """ he
&i)$res I%% +ant to hear these thin)s eno$)h &or it to be
an e1tra %itt%e incenti(e &or #e to %i(e %on)er an! not
%ea(e hi#" He says he !oesnt *no+ +hat he%% !o i& I
%ea(e hi#" Re#in!e! #e o& his ear%ier %itt%e a%%e)ory
abo$t i& I !ie he%% co#e )et #e in the bar!o" Hes a%+ays
'ro#ise! to &in! #e a)ain, +hate(er ha''ens"
That s$##er an e(ent occ$rre! that ha! an enor#o$s
i#'act on o$r %i(es an! on o$r &$t$re '%ans" Treya )ot
're)nant" This ca#e as a shoc* to her, beca$se she ha!
ne(er )otten 're)nant be&ore an! ha! ass$#e! that she
'robab%y co$%!nt" Treya +as e%ate!, I +as st$nne! 2 an!
then the cr$e% rea%ity o& the sit$ation sett%e! in on $s"
Treyas !octors +ere $nani#o$s- abort the 're)nancy" The
hor#ona% shi&ts conco#itant +ith bein) 're)nant +o$%! act
%i*e &erti%i8er &or any re#ainin) cancer ce%%s in Treyas bo!y
4her t$#or +as estro)en 'ositi(e5"
I +as a#bi(a%ent abo$t &atherin) a chi%! 4a sit$ation that
e(ent$a%%y chan)e!5, an! #y %$*e+ar# res'onse to Treyas
're)nancy 2 be&ore +e *ne+ it ha! to be aborte! 2 +as a
bi) !isa''oint#ent to her" In #y !e&ense I rather %a#e%y
trie! to 'oint o$t that #ost o& #y &rien!s +ho +ere &athers
!i!nt )et rea%%y e1cite! abo$t the chi%! $nti% it +as born an!
act$a%%y '%ace! in their ar#s, 'rior to that 'oint, #ost )$ys
are .$st (ario$s !e)rees o& 'anic/stric*en" B$t '%ace the
babe in their ar#s an! they beco#e s%obberin) !roo%in)
&atherin) &oo%s, +hereas #others see# to bea# &ro# the
#in$te o& conce'tion" Treya &o$n! none o& it con(incin),
she e1'erience! #y %ac* o& enth$sias# as an
aban!on#ent" It +as the &irst ti#e I ha! !ee'%y
!isa''ointe! her in the year +e ha! been to)ether, it h$n)
o(er $s %i*e an o#ino$s 'ortent" An! it +as the nat$re o&
the thin) itse%& that #a!e it so !i&&ic$%t- 're)nancy an!
abortion, %i&e an! !eath """ as i& +e nee!e! #ore o& that"
I &ina%%y ca#e to the 'oint that, a%tho$)h I +as sti%%
so#e+hat a#bi(a%ent, I +as at %east )a#e- Lets )o &or it,
%ets )et Treya better an! then start a &a#i%y" De&inite%y"
This $n%eashe! the nestin) instincts in both o& $s, an!
+e be)an to #a*e rather ra!ica% %i&e chan)es" D' to that
'oint both Treya an! I ha! %i(e! &air%y #on*ish %i(es" Treya
+as 'racticin) (o%$ntary si#'%icity, an! I +as in e&&ect a
Len #on*" When I #et Treya I o+ne! one !es* chair, a
ty'e+riter, an! &o$r tho$san! boo*s, Treya ha! not #$ch
#ore"
A%% o& this +o$%! chan)e, an! chan)e !ra#atica%%y, once
+e !eci!e! that +e +ere )oin) to raise a &a#i%y" =irst, +e
nee!e! a ho$se """ a bi), bi) ho$se, rea!y to ho%! a &a#i%y" "
"
Se'te#ber :M, :EBH
M$ir Beach
Dear Martha,
Cant than* yo$ eno$)h &or the at%as 2 an ori)ina% an!
rea%%y )reat +e!!in) 'resent" As yo$ *no+, I once
st$!ie! )eo)ra'hy, +as in &act t+o co$rses shy o& an
M"A" in the &ie%!, so I %o(e #a's" One o& #y &a(orite
co$rses in )ra! schoo% +as carto)ra'hy9 Many than*s
&ro# $s both"
The bi) ne+s in o$r %i(es is that +ere #o(in) to La*e
Tahoe 4Inc%ine Ai%%a)e, northeast shore, to be e1act5" A%%
ca#e abo$t beca$se I acci!enta%%y )ot 're)nant 2 &irst
ti#e in #y %i&e" Ironica%%y I !isco(ere! this one +ee* a&ter
I! )one to a !octor to see +hether or not +e co$%!
e(ent$a%%y ha(e a chi%!, #y ha(in) ha! cancer an! a%%"
The )yneco%o)ist sai! I sho$%! ne(er )et 're)nant,
beca$se o& the *in! o& t$#or I! ha!" I +as !e(astate!"
;en is +on!er&$%, b$t I !ont thin* he rea%%y $n!erstoo!
+hat it #eant to #e" He +as a#bi(a%ent an! so#eti#es
!istant" He %ater a'o%o)i8e!" B$t I crie! &or a +ee* o(er
this, his res'onse +as (ery $'settin) 2 it #a!e #e
rea%i8e ho+ #$ch I rea%%y +ante! his chi%!"
Then the !isco(ery that I act$a%%y +as 're)nant9 =irst
ti#e in #y %i&e" 46$ess #y bo!y *no+s +ho the &athers
#eant to be95 Abso%$te !e(astation" So +e ha! to ha(e it
aborte!" A (ery tra$#atic e1'erience, b$t it +as the
ri)ht !ecision" I# eno$)h o& a hy'ochon!riac as it is
no+, chec*in) o$t e(ery 'ain or sy#'to# +ith the
!octor" I cant i#a)ine ho+ $nner(in) it +o$%! be to be
're)nant no+, not *no+in) ho+ it +as a&&ectin) any
'ossib%e re#nant o& cancer or 'recancero$s area,
!ea%in) +ith a%% the o!! sy#'to#s o& 're)nancy itse%&"
So it &ee%s ri)ht, tho$)h a %ot o& tears +ere she! o(er it
an! sti%% are at ti#es" So #$ch &or #y ri)hteo$s sense I!
)et thro$)h this %i&eti#e +itho$t ha(in) ha! an abortion9
The !octors !i! a)ree, ho+e(er, that i& I# &ree o&
cancer in t+o years, then I can )et 're)nant a)ain" E(en
tho$)h ;en is sti%% a %itt%e a#bi(a%ent, he%% #a*e a )reat
&ather" ;i!s %o(e hi#" He >$i's thats beca$se hes the
sa#e e#otiona% a)e as they are" Any+ay, this stirre! $'
o$r nestin) instinct, +hich e(ent$a%%y %e! to o$r b$yin) a
bea$ti&$% ho$se in La*e Tahoe9
We! tho$)ht abo$t La*e Tahoe be&ore 2 in the
#o$ntains, +hich I %o(e, an! c%ose to San =rancisco 4on%y
&o$r ho$rs a+ay5" O$r &irst tri' $' here +e !ro(e in
thro$)h So$th La*e Tahoe, +hich +as a+&$%" B$t the
north shore +as rea%%y nice, es'ecia%%y Inc%ine Ai%%a)e" Its
a &air%y recent '%anne! to+n, #aybe &i&teen years o%!,
+ith a s#a%% s*i area, t+o )o%& co$rses, an! t+o 'ri(ate
beaches &or 'eo'%e in the to+n" ;en thin*s thats a%% a
0bit #$ch,0 as he says" 0My 6o!, +ere #o(in) into a
co$ntry c%$b" I nee! this %i*e I nee! another satori"0 B$t
he %o(es the %a*e, es'ecia%%y the *in! o& a>$a co%or
aro$n! the e!)es +here there are +hite san!y beaches,
an! hes as an1io$s to )et o$t o& San =rancisco as I a#
4he +ants so#e >$iet ti#e to +rite5" We %oo*e! at a
b$nch o& ho$ses on a &e+ !i&&erent tri's an! a)ain on o$r
+ay to As'en &or the s$##er, an! &ina%%y &o$n! the ri)ht
one"
Were e1tre#e%y e1cite! abo$t it" " " " Easy access, a
&antastic (ie+, best o& any +e sa+, an! a %ayo$t that
+or*s rea%%y +e%% &or ;ens o&&ice" The ho$se is sti%% $n!er
constr$ction, so +e can s'eci&y a%% the interior !etai%s 2
car'ets, +a%%'a'er, 'aint co%ors, etc" I *no+ yo$%% be o$t
o& the co$ntry &or t+o #ore years, b$t then yo$ #$st
co#e an! see $s" Maybe +e%% ha(e a *i! by then9
Than*s a)ain so #$ch &or the at%as"
Lo(e,
Terry
5Where are you going65 , as! her3
5,'ll he right bac!3 ,'m 8ust going to ma!e a cup of tea3
7ou're not afraid, are you65
5$e6 .h, no3 "ine, 8ust fine35 The fire has died do%n to a
fe% glo%ing coals3 Treya seems to be gone for minutes, but
then the minutes seem to run into hours3 ,t is #ery cold3
5Treya6 Honey6 Treya65
Treya an! I ea)er%y, a%#ost !es'erate%y, %oo*e! &or+ar!
to sett%in) !o+n in Tahoe" It too* on the a$ra o& re&$)e, o&
sa&ety, o& ti#e o$t &ro# t$r#oi%" We +ere rea!y to raise a
&a#i%y, I +as rea!y to )et bac* to +ritin), %i&e +as startin)
to %oo* (ery )oo!"
=or the &irst ti#e in a year, Treya an! I re%a1e!"
'
A (ni)erse *ithin
Why in the 'ast ha(e I +ante! to tra(e% so #$ch<
Why !o I &ee% so constraine! +hen I cant .$st 'ic* $'
an! )o<
I t+ist in this ne+ &or#, resist, &ee% con&ine!"
I s>$ir#, +on!er i& this is a&ter a%%, rea%%y .$st another
search &or
inner 6o! !is'%ace! an! so$)ht 0o$t there0<
I& I %et #yse%& %i(e #ore &ree%y +ithin #yse%&, a +ho%e
bein),
On #y si!e, in s$''ort o& #yse%& co#'%ete%y,
7erha's the &orei)n %an! +i%% e#er)e +ithin #yse%&,
Stran)e si)hts an! s#e%%s an! tho$)hts s+ir%in) insi!e,
7$%%in) #e into another %an! that be)s to be e1'erience!
an! &e%t
An! share! +ith others an! sha'e! an! #o%!e!
In so#e +ay that satis&ies that !ee' nee!"
An A&rican ba8aar +ithin #y be%%y,
Incense/soa*e! In!ian te#'%e &estoone! +ith #on*eys
in #y chest,
Hi)h +hite Hi#a%ayan e1'anses +ith en!%ess s*y
In #y hea!, %i#bos !ancin) to ba%#y Ia#aican bree8es,
The Lo$(re, the Sorbonne, +ashe! !o+n +ith a ca&e a$
%ait"
This '%anet, o$r ho#e, a tiny %an! in #y heart"
4TRE3A, :E@K5
TRE3A AND I ha! both been #e!itatin) &or #any years,
b$t, +ith the t+ist o& the 're(io$s years e(ents, #e!itation
be)an to ta*e on a certain $r)ency" An! so, .$st as +e +ere
)ettin) rea!y &or o$r #o(e to Tahoe, Treya +ent on a ten/
!ay #e!itation retreat +ith one o& her &a(orite teachers,
6oen*a, +ho teaches a &or# o& B$!!hist #e!itation *no+n
as #ipassana or insi)ht #e!itation"
There are #any +ays to e1'%ain #e!itation, +hat it is,
+hat it !oes, ho+ it +or*s" Me!itation, it is sai!, is a +ay to
e(o*e the re%a1ation res'onse" Me!itation, others say, is a
+ay to train an! stren)then a+areness, a #etho! &or
centerin) an! &oc$sin) the se%&, a +ay to ha%t constant
(erba% thin*in) an! re%a1 the bo!y#in!, a techni>$e &or
ca%#in) the centra% ner(o$s syste#, a +ay to re%ie(e stress,
bo%ster se%&/estee#, re!$ce an1iety, an! a%%e(iate
!e'ression"
A%% o& those are tr$e eno$)h, #e!itation has been
c%inica%%y !e#onstrate! to !o a%% o& those thin)s" B$t I +o$%!
%i*e to e#'hasi8e that #e!itation itse%& is, an! a%+ays has
been, a spiritua% 'ractice" Me!itation, +hether Christian,
B$!!hist, Hin!$, Taoist, or M$s%i#, +as in(ente! as a +ay
&or the so$% to (ent$re in+ar!, there $%ti#ate%y to &in! a
s$'re#e i!entity +ith 6o!hea!" 0The ;in)!o# o& Hea(en is
+ithin0 2 an! #e!itation, &ro# the (ery be)innin), has been
the roya% roa! to that ;in)!o#" Whate(er e%se it !oes, an!
it !oes #any bene&icia% thin)s, #e!itation is &irst an!
&ore#ost a search &or the 6o! +ithin"
I +o$%! say #e!itation is s'irit$a%, b$t not re%i)io$s"
S'irit$a% has to !o +ith act$a% e1'erience, not #ere be%ie&s,
+ith 6o! as the 6ro$n! o& Bein), not a cos#ic Da!!y
&i)$re, +ith a+a*enin) to ones tr$e Se%&, not 'rayin) &or
ones %itt%e se%&, +ith the !isci'%inin) o& a+areness, not
'reachy an! ch$rchy #ora%is#s abo$t !rin*in) an!
s#o*in) an! se1in), +ith S'irit &o$n! in e(eryones Heart,
not anythin) !one in this or that ch$rch" Mahat#a 6an!hi is
s'irit$a%, Ora% Roberts is re%i)io$s" A%bert Einstein, Martin
L$ther ;in), A%bert Sch+eit8er, E#erson an! Thorea$, Saint
Teresa o& A(i%a, Da#e I$%ian o& Nor+ich, Wi%%ia# Ia#es 2
s'irit$a%" Bi%%y 6raha#, Archbisho' Sheen, Robert Sch$%%er,
7at Robertson, Car!ina% OConnor 2 re%i)io$s"
Me!itation is s'irit$a%, 'rayer is re%i)io$s" That is,
'etitionary 'rayer, in +hich I as* 6o! to )i(e #e a ne+ car,
he%' +ith #y 'ro#otion, etc", is re%i)io$s, it si#'%y +ishes
to bo%ster the %itt%e e)o in its +ants an! !esires" Me!itation,
on the other han!, see*s to )o beyon! the e)o a%to)ether,
it as*s nothin) &ro# 6o!, rea% or i#a)ine!, b$t rather o&&ers
itse%& $' as a sacri&ice to+ar! a )reater a+areness"
Me!itation, then, is not so #$ch a 'art o& this or that
'artic$%ar re%i)ion, b$t rather 'art o& the $ni(ersa% s'irit$a%
c$%t$re o& a%% h$#an*in! 2 an e&&ort to brin) a+areness to
bear on a%% as'ects o& %i&e" It is, in other +or!s, 'art o& +hat
has been ca%%e! the 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy"
Ri)ht be&ore Treya an! I #o(e! to Tahoe, I +as
sche!$%e! to )i(e an inter(ie+ on e1act%y this to'ic" We
+ere in the 'rocess o& #o(in) an! I co$%! not #eet +ith the
ori)ina% inter(ie+ers, so I as*e! the# to sen! a %ist o&
>$estions instea!" Treya, +ho $n!erstoo! this to'ic as +e%%
as I, then rea! the >$estions, a!!e! her o+n, an! '%aye!
the nai(e inter(ie+er" She a%so '%aye! an a))ressi(e !e(i%s
a!(ocate"
One o& the #ain to'ics !isc$sse! in this inter(ie+ +as
the &$n!a#enta% #ystica% !octrine that one has to !ie to the
se'arate se%& in or!er to &in! the $ni(ersa% Se%& or 6o!" The
a%+ays/%$r*in) 'ossibi%ity o& Treyas 'hysica% !eath a!!e! a
certain 'oi)nancy to the inter(ie+, an! at one 'oint I &o$n!
it har! to contin$e" The transcri'ts si#'%y say 0Lon)
'a$se,0 as i& I +ere thin*in) abo$t so#e !i&&ic$%t ans+er"
B$t that +as the +ho%e 'oint- Treyas 'ossib%e !eath
beca#e a 'ro&o$n! s'irit$a% teacher &or both o& $s" 7hysica%
!eath #a!e 'sycho%o)ica% !eath a%% the #ore co)ent" As the
#ystics e(ery+here ha(e re'eate!%y to%! $s, it is on%y in
acce'tin) !eath that rea% %i&e is &o$n!"
TRE3A ;ILLAM WILBER- Why !ont yo$ start by e1'%ainin)
+hat yo$ #ean by the 0'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy0<
;EN WILBER- The 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy is the +or%!(ie+ that
has been e#brace! by the (ast #a.ority o& the
+or%!s )reatest s'irit$a% teachers, 'hi%oso'hers,
thin*ers, an! e(en scientists" Its ca%%e! 0'erennia%0 or
0$ni(ersa%0 beca$se it sho+s $' in (irt$a%%y a%%
c$%t$res across the )%obe an! across the a)es" We
&in! it in In!ia, Me1ico, China, Ia'an, Meso'ota#ia,
E)y't, Tibet, 6er#any, 6reece" " " "
An! +here(er +e &in! it, it has essentia%%y si#i%ar
&eat$res, it is in essentia% a)ree#ent the +or%! o(er"
We #o!erns, +ho can har!%y a)ree on anythin), &in!
this rather har! to be%ie(e" B$t as A%an Watts
s$##ari8e! the a(ai%ab%e e(i!ence 2 I%% ha(e to rea!
this 2 0Th$s +e are har!%y a+are o& the e1tre#e
'ec$%iarity o& o$r o+n 'osition, an! &in! it !i&&ic$%t to
reco)ni8e the '%ain &act that there has other+ise been
a sin)%e 'hi%oso'hica% consens$s o& $ni(ersa% e1tent"
It has been he%! by F#en an! +o#enG +ho re'ort the
sa#e insi)hts an! teach the sa#e essentia% !octrine
+hether %i(in) to!ay or si1 tho$san! years a)o,
+hether &ro# Ne+ Me1ico in the =ar West or &ro#
Ia'an in the =ar East"0
This is rea%%y >$ite re#ar*ab%e" I thin*,
&$n!a#enta%%y, its a testa#ent to the $ni(ersa%
nat$re o& these tr$ths, to the $ni(ersa% e1'erience o&
a co%%ecti(e h$#anity that has e(ery+here a)ree! to
certain 'ro&o$n! tr$ths abo$t the h$#an con!ition
an! abo$t its access to the Di(ine" Thats one +ay to
!escribe the philosophia perennis"
T;W- No+ yo$ say that the 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy is
essentia%%y the sa#e in (ario$s c$%t$res" B$t +hat
abo$t the #o!ern ar)$#ent that a%% *no+%e!)e is
#o%!e! by %an)$a)e an! c$%t$re, an! since c$%t$res
an! %an)$a)es !i&&er !ra#atica%%y &ro# one another,
there is si#'%y no +ay that any sort o& $ni(ersa% or
co%%ecti(e tr$ths abo$t the h$#an con!ition co$%! be
&o$n!< There is no h$#an con!ition, there is on%y
h$#an history, an! these histories are e(ery+here
>$ite !i&&erent" What abo$t this +ho%e notion o&
c$%t$ra% re%ati(ity<
;W- There is #$ch tr$th to that 2 there are in!ee! >$ite
!i&&erent c$%t$res o& 0%oca% *no+%e!)e,0 an! e1'%orin)
those !i&&erences is a (ery i#'ortant en!ea(or" B$t
c$%t$ra% re%ati(ity is not the +ho%e tr$th" In a!!ition to
ob(io$s c$%t$ra% !i&&erences, s$ch as &oo! sty%es or
%in)$istic str$ct$res or #atin) c$sto#s, there are
#any 'heno#ena o& h$#an e1istence that are
%ar)e%y $ni(ersa% or co%%ecti(e" The h$#an bo!y, &or
e1a#'%e, has t+o h$n!re! an! ei)ht bones, one
heart, t+o *i!neys, an! so on, +hether it a''ears in
Manhattan or Mo8a#bi>$e, +hether it a''ears to!ay
or a tho$san! years a)o" These $ni(ersa% &eat$res +e
ca%% 0!ee' str$ct$res,0 beca$se they are e(ery+here
essentia%%y the sa#e" On the other han!, this !oesnt
sto' (ario$s c$%t$res &ro# $sin) these !ee'
str$ct$res in >$ite !i&&erent +ays, &ro# Chinese
&ootbin!in) to Dban)i %i'/stretchin) to bo!y 'aintin)
to c%othin) sty%es to #o!es o& bo!i%y '%ay, se1, an!
%abor, a%% o& +hich (ary consi!erab%y &ro# c$%t$re to
c$%t$re" These (ariab%es +e ca%% 0s$r&ace str$ct$res,0
since they are %oca% an! not $ni(ersa%"
We see the sa#e thin) in the area o& the h$#an
#in!" In a!!ition to s$r&ace str$ct$res that (ary &ro#
c$%t$re to c$%t$re, the h$#an #in!, %i*e the bo!y, has
!ee' str$ct$res that are essentia%%y si#i%ar across
c$%t$res" That is, +here(er h$#an #in!s e#er)e,
they a%% ha(e the ca'acity to &or# i#a)es, sy#bo%s,
conce'ts, an! r$%es" The 'artic$%ar i#a)es an!
sy#bo%s (ary &ro# c$%t$re to c$%t$re, it is tr$e, b$t
the (ery ca'acity to &or# these #enta% an! %in)$istic
str$ct$res, an! the (ery str$ct$res the#se%(es, are
essentia%%y si#i%ar +here(er they a''ear" I$st as the
h$#an bo!y )ro+s hair, the h$#an #in! )ro+s
sy#bo%s" The #enta% s$r&ace str$ct$res (ary
consi!erab%y, b$t the #enta% !ee' str$ct$res are
>$ite si#i%ar"
No+, .$st as the h$#an bo!y $ni(ersa%%y )ro+s
hair an! the h$#an #in! $ni(ersa%%y )ro+s i!eas, so
the h$#an s'irit $ni(ersa%%y )ro+s int$itions o& the
Di(ine" An! those int$itions an! insi)hts &or# the
core o& the +or%!s )reat s'irit$a% or +is!o#
tra!itions" An! a)ain, a%tho$)h the s$r&ace str$ct$res
o& the )reat tra!itions are #ost certain%y >$ite
!i&&erent, their !ee' str$ct$res are >$ite si#i%ar, o&ten
i!entica%" Th$s, its #ost%y the !ee' str$ct$res o& the
h$#an enco$nter +ith the Di(ine that the 'erennia%
'hi%oso'hy is intereste! in" Beca$se +hen yo$ can
&in! a tr$th that the Hin!$s an! Christians an!
B$!!hists an! Taoists an! S$&is all agree on, then yo$
ha(e 'robab%y &o$n! so#ethin) that is 'ro&o$n!%y
i#'ortant, so#ethin) that te%%s yo$ abo$t $ni(ersa%
tr$ths an! $%ti#ate #eanin)s, so#ethin) that
to$ches the (ery core o& the h$#an con!ition"
T;W- At &irst )%ance, its har! to see +hat B$!!his# an!
Christianity +o$%! a)ree on" So +hat e1act%y are
so#e o& the essentia%s o& the 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy<
Co$%! yo$ )o o(er its #a.or 'oints< Ho+ #any
'ro&o$n! tr$ths or 'oints o& a)ree#ent are there<
;W- Do8ens" I%% )i(e yo$ se(en o& +hat I thin* are the
#ost i#'ortant" One, S'irit e1ists, an! T+o, S'irit is
&o$n! +ithin" Three, #ost o& $s !ont rea%i8e this S'irit
+ithin, ho+e(er, beca$se +e are %i(in) in a +or%! o&
sin, se'aration, an! !$a%ity 2 that is, +e are %i(in) in a
&a%%en or i%%$sory state" =o$r, there is a +ay o$t o& this
&a%%en state o& sin an! i%%$sion, there is a 7ath to o$r
%iberation" =i(e, i& +e &o%%o+ this 7ath to its conc%$sion,
the res$%t is a Rebirth or En%i)hten#ent, a direct
e2perience o& S'irit +ithin, a S$'re#e Liberation,
+hich 2 Si1 2 #ar*s the en! o& sin an! s$&&erin), an!
+hich 2 Se(en 2 iss$es in socia% action o& #ercy an!
co#'assion on beha%& o& a%% sentient bein)s"
T;W- Thats a %ot o& in&or#ation9 Lets )o o(er the# one at
a ti#e" S'irit e1ists"
;W- S'irit e1ists, 6o! e1ists, a S$'re#e Rea%ity e1ists"
Brah#an, Dhar#a*aya, ;ether, Tao, A%%ah, Shi(a,
3ah+eh, Aton 2 0They ca%% Hi# #any +ho is rea%%y
One"0
T;W- B$t ho+ !o yo$ *no+ S'irit e1ists< The #ystics say it
!oes, b$t on +hat !o they base their c%ai#s<
;W- On !irect e1'erience" Their c%ai#s are base!, not on
#ere be%ie&s or i!eas, theories or !o)#as, b$t rather
on !irect e1'erience, act$a% s'irit$a% e1'erience" This
is +hat sets the #ystics a'art &ro# #ere%y !o)#atic
re%i)io$s be%ie&s"
T;W- B$t +hat abo$t the ar)$#ent that the #ystica%
e1'erience is not (a%i! *no+%e!)e beca$se it is
ine&&ab%e an! there&ore inco##$nicab%e<
;W- The #ystica% e1'erience is in!ee! ine&&ab%e, or not
ca'ab%e o& bein) entire%y '$t into +or!s" Li*e any
e1'erience 2 a s$nset, eatin) a 'iece o& ca*e,
%istenin) to Bach 2 one has to ha(e the act$a%
e1'erience to see +hat its %i*e" B$t +e !ont
there&ore conc%$!e that s$nset, ca*e, an! #$sic !ont
e1ist or arent (a%i!" =$rther, e(en tho$)h the
#ystica% e1'erience is %ar)e%y ine&&ab%e, it can be
co##$nicate! or trans#itte!" Na#e%y, by ta*in) $'
s'irit$a% 'ractice $n!er the )$i!ance o& a s'irit$a%
#aster or teacher, .$st %i*e, &or e1a#'%e, .$!o can be
ta$)ht b$t not s'o*en"
T;W- B$t the #ystica% e1'erience, +hich see#s so certain
to the #ystic, co$%! in &act si#'%y be #ista*en" The
#ystics #i)ht thin* they are beco#in) one +ith 6o!,
b$t that !oesnt necessari%y #ean thats +hats
act$a%%y ha''enin)" No *no+%e!)e can be abso%$te%y
certain"
;W- I a)ree that #ystica% e1'eriences are in 'rinci'%e no
#ore certain than any other !irect e1'eriences" B$t
&ar &ro# '$%%in) !o+n the #ystics c%ai#s, that
ar)$#ent act$a%%y e%e(ates their c%ai#s to a stat$s
e>$a% to a%% other e1'erientia% *no+%e!)e, a stat$s I
+o$%! !e&inite%y acce't" In other +or!s, this ar)$#ent
a)ainst #ystica% *no+%e!)e act$a%%y a''%ies to a%%
&or#s o& *no+%e!)e base! on e1'erientia% e(i!ence,
inc%$!in) e#'irica% sciences" I thin* I# %oo*in) at the
#oon, b$t I co$%! be #ista*en, 'hysicists thin*
e%ectrons e1ist, b$t they co$%! be #ista*en, critics
thin* Hamlet +as +ritten by a historica% 'erson ca%%e!
Sha*es'eare, b$t they co$%! be #ista*en, an! so on"
Ho+ !o +e &in! o$t< We chec* it a)ainst #ore
e1'erience 2 +hich is a%so e1act%y +hat the #ystics
ha(e historica%%y !one, chec*in) an! re&inin) their
e1'eriences o(er the !eca!es, cent$ries, an! e(en
#i%%ennia, a trac* recor! that #a*es #o!ern science
%oo* %i*e a .ohnny/co#e/%ate%y" The 'oint is that, &ar
&ro# tossin) o$t the #ystics c%ai#s, this ar)$#ent
act$a%%y an! correct%y )i(es their c%ai#s e1act%y the
sa#e stat$s as in&or#e! e1'erts in any other &ie%!
that re%ies on e(i!ence to !eci!e iss$es"
T;W- =air eno$)h" B$t I(e o&ten hear! it sai! that the
#ystica% (ision co$%! in &act be schi8o'hrenic" Ho+ !o
yo$ res'on! to that co##on char)e<
;W- I !ont thin* anybo!y !o$bts that a &e+ #ystics #i)ht
a%so #ani&est so#e schi8o'hrenic e%e#ents, an! that
so#e schi8o'hrenics #i)ht a%so e(i!ence #ystica%
insi)hts" B$t I !ont *no+ any a$thority in the &ie%!
+ho be%ie(es #ystica% e1'eriences are basica%%y an!
'ri#ari%y schi8o'hrenic ha%%$cinations" I *no+ a &air
n$#ber o& nona$thorities +ho thin* so, an! its har!
to con(ince the# other+ise in a short s'ace" So %et
#e .$st say that the s'irit$a% an! conte#'%ati(e
'ractices $se! by #ystics 2 s$ch as conte#'%ati(e
'rayer or #e!itation 2 can be &air%y stron), b$t they
si#'%y are not stron) eno$)h to ta*e +ho%esa%e
n$#bers o& nor#a%, hea%thy, a!$%t #en an! +o#en
an! t$rn the#, in the s'ace o& a &e+ years, into
&%ori!%y ha%%$cinatin) schi8o'hrenics" Len Master
Ha*$in %e&t behin! hi# ei)hty/three &$%%y trans#itte!
st$!ents, +ho to)ether re(ita%i8e! an! or)ani8e!
Ia'anese Len" Ei)hty/three ha%%$cinatin)
schi8o'hrenics co$%!nt or)ani8e a tri' to the toi%et,
%et a%one Ia'anese Len"
T;W- FLa$)hin)G One %ast ob.ection- The notion o& bein)
0one +ith S'irit0 is .$st a re)ressi(e !e&ense
#echanis# !esi)ne! to shie%! a 'erson &ro# the
horrors o& #orta%ity an! &initit$!e"
;W- I& 0oneness +ith S'irit0 is #ere%y be%ie(e! in, as an
i!ea or a ho'e, then it is &re>$ent%y 'art o& a 'ersons
0i##orta%ity 'ro.ect,0 a syste# o& !e&enses !esi)ne!
to #a)ica%%y or re)ressi(e%y +ar! o&& !eath an!
'ro#ise an e1'ansion or contin$ation o& %i&e, as I trie!
to e1'%ain in ;p from )den an! * Sociable +od" B$t
the e2perience o& ti#e%ess $nity +ith S'irit is not an
i!ea or a +ish, it is a !irect a''rehension, an! +e can
treat that direct e2perience in one o& three +ays-
c%ai# it is ha%%$cinatory, +hich I .$st ans+ere!, c%ai#
it is #ista*en, +hich I a%so .$st ans+ere!, or acce't it
as it anno$nces itse%& to be, a !irect e1'erience o&
S'irit"
T;W- So yo$re sayin), in e&&ect, that )en$ine #ysticis#, as
o''ose! to !o)#atic re%i)ion, is (ery scienti&ic,
beca$se it re%ies on !irect e1'erientia% e(i!ence an!
testin)"
;W- 3es, thats ri)ht" The #ystics as* yo$ to ta*e nothin)
on #ere be%ie&" Rather, they )i(e yo$ a set o&
e1'eri#ents to test in yo$r o+n a+areness an!
e1'erience" The %aboratory is yo$r o+n #in!, the
e1'eri#ent is #e!itation" 3o$ yo$rse%& try it, an!
co#'are yo$r test res$%ts +ith others +ho ha(e a%so
'er&or#e! the e1'eri#ent" O$t o& this con/sens$a%%y
(a%i!ate! 'oo% o& e1'erientia% *no+%e!)e, yo$ arri(e
at certain %a+s o& the s'irit 2 at certain 0'ro&o$n!
tr$ths,0 i& yo$ +i%%" An! the &irst is- 6o! is"
T;W- So that brin)s $s bac* to the 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy, or
#ystica% 'hi%oso'hy, an! se(en o& its #a.or 'oints"
The secon! +as, S'irit +ithin"
;W- S'irit +ithin, there is a $ni(erse +ithin" The st$nnin)
#essa)e o& the #ystics is that in the (ery core o&
yo$r bein), yo$ are 6o!" Strict%y s'ea*in), 6o! is
neither +ithin nor +itho$t 2 S'irit transcen!s a%%
!$a%ity" B$t one !isco(ers this by consistent%y %oo*in)
%ithin, $nti% 0+ithin0 beco#es 0beyon!"0 The #ost
&a#o$s (ersion o& this 'erennia% tr$th occ$rs in the
(handogya ;panishad, +here it says, 0In this (ery
bein) o& yo$rs, yo$ !o not 'ercei(e the Tr$e, b$t
there in &act it is" In that +hich is the s$bt%e essence
o& yo$r o+n bein), a%% that e1ists has its Se%&" An
in(isib%e an! s$bt%e essence is the S'irit o& the +ho%e
$ni(erse" That is the Tr$e, that is the Se%&, an! tho$,
tho$ art That"0 Tho$ are That 2 tat t#am asi" Nee!%ess
to say, the 0tho$0 that is 0That,0 the yo$ that is 6o!,
is not yo$r in!i(i!$a% an! iso%ate! se%& or e)o, this or
that se%&, Mr" or Ms" So/an!/so" In &act, the in!i(i!$a%
se%& or e)o is 'recise%y +hat b%oc*s the rea%i8ation o&
the S$'re#e I!entity in the &irst '%ace" Rather, the
0yo$0 in >$estion is the !ee'est 'art o& yo$ 2 or, i&
yo$ +ish, the hi)hest 'art o& yo$ 2 the s$bt%e
essence, as the D'anisha! '$t it, that transcen!s
yo$r #orta% e)o an! !irect%y 'arta*es o& the Di(ine" In
I$!ais# it is ca%%e! the ruach, the !i(ine an!
s$'rain!i(i!$a% s'irit in each an! e(ery 'erson, an!
not the nefesh, or the in!i(i!$a% e)o" In Christianity, it
is the in!+e%%in) 'ne$#a or s'irit that is o& one
essence +ith 6o!, an! not the in!i(i!$a% psyche or
so$%, +hich at best can +orshi' 6o!" As
Coo#aras+a#y sai!, the !istinction bet+een a
'ersons i##orta%/eterna% s'irit an! a 'ersons
in!i(i!$a%/#orta% so$% 4#eanin) e)o5 is a &$n!a#enta%
tenet o& the 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy" I thin* this is the
on%y +ay to $n!erstan!, &or e1a#'%e, Christs
other+ise stran)e re#ar*s that a 'erson co$%! not be
a tr$e Christian 0$n%ess he hateth his o+n so$%"0 It is
on%y by 0hatin)0 or 0thro+in) o$t0 or 0transcen!in)0
yo$r #orta% so$% that yo$ !isco(er yo$r i##orta%
s'irit, one +ith A%%"
T;W- St" 7a$% sai!, 0I %i(e, yet not I, b$t Christ in #e"0
3o$re sayin) that St" 7a$% !isco(ere! his tr$e Se%&,
+hich is one +ith Christ, an! this re'%ace! his o%! or
%o+er se%&, his in!i(i!$a% so$% or 'syche"
;W- 3es" 3o$r r$ach, or )ro$n!, is the S$'re#e Rea%ity,
not yo$r ne&esh, or e)o" Ob(io$s%y, i& yo$ thin* that
yo$r in!i(i!$a% e)o is 6o!, yo$re in bi) tro$b%e" 3o$
+o$%!, in &act, be s$&&erin) &ro# 'sychoses, &ro#
'aranoi! schi8o'hrenia" Thats ob(io$s%y not +hat the
+or%!s )reatest 'hi%oso'hers an! sa)es ha(e in
#in!"
T;W- B$t +hy, then, arent #ore 'eo'%e a+are o& that< I&
S'irit is in &act +ithin, +hy isnt it ob(io$s to
e(erybo!y<
;W- We%%, thats the thir! 'oint" I& I a# rea%%y one +ith 6o!,
+hy !ont I rea%i8e that< So#ethin) #$st se'arate #e
&ro# S'irit" Why this =a%%< Whats the sin<
T;W- Its not eatin) an a''%e"
;W- FLa$)hin)G Its not eatin) an a''%e"
The (ario$s tra!itions )i(e #any ans+ers to this
>$estion, b$t they a%% essentia%%y co#e !o+n to this- I
cannot 'ercei(e #y o+n tr$e i!entity, or #y $nion
+ith S'irit, beca$se #y a+areness is c%o$!e! an!
obstr$cte! by a certain acti(ity that I a# no+
en)a)e! in" An! that acti(ity, a%tho$)h *no+n by
#any !i&&erent na#es, is si#'%y the acti(ity o&
contractin) an! &oc$sin) a+areness on #y in!i(i!$a%
se%& or 'ersona% e)o" My a+areness is not o'en,
re%a1e!, an! 6o!/centere!, it is c%ose!, contracte!,
an! se%&/centere!" An! 'recise%y beca$se I a#
i!enti&ie! +ith the se%&/contraction to the e1c%$sion o&
e(erythin) e%se, I cant &in! or !isco(er #y 'rior
i!entity, #y tr$e i!entity, +ith the A%%" My in!i(i!$a%
nat$re, 0the nat$ra% #an,0 is th$s &a%%en, or %i(es in sin
an! se'aration an! a%ienation &ro# S'irit an! &ro#
the rest o& the +or%!" I a# set a'art an! iso%ate! &ro#
the +or%! 0o$t there,0 +hich I 'ercei(e as i& it +ere
entire%y e1terna% an! a%ien an! hosti%e to #y o+n
bein)" An! as &or #y o+n bein) itse%&, it certain%y
!oes not see# to be one +ith the A%%, one +ith
e(erythin) that e1ists, one +ith in&inite S'irit, rather,
it see#s co#'%ete%y bo1e! $' an! i#'risone! in this
iso%ate! +a%% o& #orta% &%esh"
T;W- This sit$ation is o&ten ca%%e! 0!$a%is#,0 isnt it<
;W- 3es, thats ri)ht" I s'%it #yse%& as 0s$b.ect0 a'art &ro#
the +or%! o& 0ob.ects0 o$t there, an! then base! $'on
this ori)ina% !$a%is#, I contin$e to s'%it the +or%! into
a%% sorts o& con&%ictin) o''osites- '%eas$re (ers$s 'ain,
)oo! (ers$s e(i%, tr$e (ers$s &a%se, an! so on" An!
accor!in) to the 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy, a+areness
!o#inate! by the se%&/contraction, by the s$b.ect ?
ob.ect !$a%is#, cannot 'ercei(e rea%ity as it is, rea%ity
in its +ho%eness, rea%ity as the S$'re#e I!entity" Sin,
in other +or!s, is the se%&/contraction, the se'arate/
se%& sense, the e)o" Sin is not so#ethin) the se%&
does, it is so#ethin) the se%& is"
=$rther#ore, the se%&/contraction, the iso%ate!
s$b.ect 0in here,0 'recise%y beca$se it !oes not
reco)ni8e its tr$e i!entity +ith the A%%, &ee%s an ac$te
sense o& %ac*, o& !e'ri(ation, o& &ra)#entation" The
se'arate/se%& sense, in other +or!s, is born in
s$&&erin) 2 it is born 0&a%%en"0 S$&&erin) is not
so#ethin) that happens to the se'arate se%&, it is
so#ethin) that is inherent in the se'arate se%&" 0Sin,0
0s$&&erin),0 an! 0se%&0 are so #any na#es &or the
sa#e 'rocess, the sa#e contraction or &ra)#entation
o& a+areness" 3o$ cannot resc$e the se%& &ro#
s$&&erin)" As 6a$ta#a B$!!ha '$t it, to en! s$&&erin)
yo$ #$st en! the se%& 2 they rise an! &a%% to)ether"
T;W- So this !$a%istic +or%! is a &a%%en +or%!, an! the
ori)ina% sin is the se%&/contraction, in each o& $s" An!
yo$re sayin) that not .$st the Eastern #ystics b$t
a%so the Western #ystics act$a%%y !e&ine sin an! He%%
as bein) !$e to the se'arate se%&<
;W- The se'arate se%& an! its %o(e%ess )ras'in), !esirin),
a(oi!in) 2 yes, !e&inite%y" Its tr$e that the e>$ation o&
He%% or samsara +ith the se'arate se%& is stron)%y
e#'hasi8e! in the East, 'artic$%ar%y in Hin!$is# an!
B$!!his#" B$t yo$ &in! an essentia%%y si#i%ar the#e
in the +ritin)s o& the Catho%ic, 6nostic, O$a*er,
;abba%istic an! Is%a#ic #ystics" My &a(orite is &ro#
the re#ar*ab%e Wi%%ia# La+, an ei)hteenth/cent$ry
Christian #ystic &ro# En)%an!, I%% rea! it to yo$- 0See
here the +ho%e tr$th in short" A%% sin, !eath,
!a#nation, an! he%% is nothin) e%se b$t this *in)!o#
o& se%&, or the (ario$s o'erations o& se%&/%o(e, se%&/
estee#, an! se%&/see*in) +hich se'arate the so$%
&ro# 6o! an! en! in eterna% !eath an! he%%"0 Or
re#e#ber the )reat Is%a#ic #ystic Ia%a%$!!in R$#is
&a#o$s sayin), 0I& yo$ ha(e not seen the !e(i%, %oo*
at yo$r o+n se%&"0 Or the S$&i Abi %/;hayr- 0There is no
He%% b$t se%&hoo!, no 7ara!ise b$t se%&%essness"0 This
is a%so behin! the Christian #ystics assertion that, as
the Theologia +ermanica '$t it, nothin) b$rns in He%%
b$t se%&/+i%%"
T;W- 3es, I see" So the transcen!ence o& the 0s#a%% se%&0 is
the !isco(ery o& the 0bi) Se%&"0
;W- 3es" This 0s#a%% se%&0 or in!i(i!$a% so$% is *no+n in
Sans*rit as the aha#*ara, +hich #eans 0*not0 or
0contraction,0 an! it is this aham!ara, this !$a%istic or
e)ocentric contraction in a+areness, that is at the
root o& o$r &a%%en state"
B$t that brin)s $s to the &o$rth #a.or 'oint o& the
'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy- There is a +ay to re(erse the
=a%%, a +ay to re(erse this br$ta% state o& a&&airs, a
+ay to $ntie the *not o& i%%$sion"
T;W- Ditch the s#a%% se%&"
;W- FLa$)hin)G Ditch the s#a%% se%&, yes" S$rren!er or !ie
to the se'arate/se%& sense, the s#a%% se%&, the se%&/
contraction" I& +e +ant to !isco(er o$r i!entity +ith
the A%%, then o$r case o& #ista*en i!entity +ith the
iso%ate! e)o #$st be %et )o" No+ this =a%% can be
re(erse! instant%y by $n!erstan!in) that in rea%ity it
ne(er act$a%%y ha''ene! 2 there is on%y 6o!, the
se'arate se%& is an i%%$sion" B$t &or #ost o& $s, the =a%%
has to be re(erse! )ra!$a%%y, ste' by ste'"
In other +or!s, the &o$rth 'oint o& the 'erennia%
'hi%oso'hy is that a 7ath e1ists 2 a 7ath that, i&
&o%%o+e! 'ro'er%y, +i%% %ea! $s &ro# o$r &a%%en state to
o$r en%i)htene! state, &ro# sa#sara to nir(ana, &ro#
He%% to Hea(en" As 7%otin$s '$t it, a &%i)ht o& the a%one
to the A%one 2 that is, &ro# the se%& to the Se%&"
T;W- This 7ath is #e!itation<
;W- We%%, +e #i)ht say that there are se(era% 0'aths0 that
constit$te +hat I a# )enerica%%y ca%%in) 0the 7ath0 2
a)ain, (ario$s s$r&ace str$ct$res sharin) the sa#e
!ee' str$ct$res" =or e1a#'%e, in Hin!$is# it is sai!
that there are &i(e #a.or 'aths or yo)as" 03o)a0
si#'%y #eans 0$nion,0 a +ay to $nite the so$% +ith
6o!hea!" In En)%ish the +or! is 0yo*e"0 When Christ
says, 0My yo*e is easy,0 he #eans 0My yo)a is easy"0
We see the sa#e root in the Hittite yugan, the Latin
8ugum, the 6ree* 4ugon, an! so on"
B$t #aybe I co$%! si#'%i&y the +ho%e thin) by
sayin) that a%% these 'aths, +hether &o$n! in
Hin!$is# or in any o& the other +is!o# tra!itions,
brea* !o+n into .$st t+o #a.or 'aths" I ha(e another
>$ote here &or yo$, i& I can &in! it 2 this is &ro# S+a#i
Ra#!as- 0There are t+o +ays- one is to e1'an! yo$r
e)o to in&inity, an! the other is to re!$ce it to
nothin), the &or#er by *no+%e!)e, an! the %atter by
!e(otion" The Inani F*no+%e!)e ho%!erG says- I a#
6o! 2 the Dni(ersa% Tr$th" The !e(otee says- I a#
nothin), O 6o!, 3o$ are e(erythin)" In both cases,
the e)o/sense !isa''ears"0
The 'oint is that, in either case, an in!i(i!$a% on
the 7ath transcen!s the s#a%% se%&, or !ies to the
s#a%% se%&, an! th$s re!isco(ers or res$rrects his or
her S$'re#e I!entity +ith $ni(ersa% S'irit" An! that
brin)s $s to the &i&th #a.or 'oint o& the 'erennia%
'hi%oso'hy, na#e%y, that o& a Rebirth, Res$rrection, or
En%i)hten#ent" In yo$r o+n bein), the s#a%% se%& #$st
!ie so that the bi) Se%& #ay res$rrect"
This !eath an! ne+ birth is !escribe! in se(era%
!i&&erent ter#s by the tra!itions" In Christianity, o&
co$rse, it &in!s its 'rototy'e in the &i)$res o& A!a#
an! Ies$s 2 A!a#, +ho# the #ystics ca%% the 0O%!
Man0 or 0O$ter Man,0 is sai! to ha(e o'ene! the
)ates o& He%%, +hi%e Ies$s Christ, the 0Ne+ Man0 or
0Inner Man,0 o'ens the )ates o& 7ara!ise" S'eci&ica%%y,
Ies$s o+n !eath an! res$rrection, accor!in) to the
#ystics, is the archety'e o& the !eath o& the se'arate
se%& an! the res$rrection o& a ne+ an! eterna% !estiny
&ro# the strea# o& conscio$sness, na#e%y, the !i(ine
or Christie Se%& an! its Ascension" As St" A$)$stine
sai!, 06o! beca#e #an so that #an #ay beco#e
6o!"0 This 'rocess o& t$rnin) &ro# 0#anhoo!0 to
06o!hoo!,0 or &ro# the o$ter 'erson to the inner
'erson, or &ro# the se%& to the Se%&, is *no+n in
Christianity as metanoia, +hich #eans both
0re'entance0 an! 0trans&or#ation0 2 +e re'ent o& the
se%& 4or sin5 an! trans&or# as the Se%& 4or Christ5, so
that, as yo$ sai!, 0not I b$t Christ %i(eth in #e"0
Si#i%ar%y, Is%a# (ie+s this !eath/an!/res$rrection as
both ta%bah, +hich #eans 0re'entance,0 an! galb,
+hich #eans 0trans&or#ation,0 both o& +hich are
s$##ari8e! in a%/Bista#is s$ccinct 'hrase,
0=or)et&$%ness o& se%& is re#e#brance o& 6o!"0
In both Hin!$is# an! B$!!his#, this !eath/an!/
res$rrection is a%+ays !escribe! as the !eath o& the
in!i(i!$a% so$% 4.i(at#an5 an! the rea+a*enin) o&
ones tr$e nat$re, +hich #eta'horica%%y the Hin!$s
!escribe as A%% Bein) 4'rahman5 an! the B$!!hists as
7$re O'enness 4shunyata5" The act$a% #o#ent o&
rebirth or brea*thro$)h is *no+n as en%i)hten#ent or
%iberation 4mo!sha or bodhi5" The Lan!a#atara Sutra
!escribes this en%i)hten#ent e1'erience as a
0co#'%ete t$rnin) abo$t in the !ee'est seat o&
conscio$sness"0 This 0t$rnin) abo$t0 is si#'%y the
$n!oin) o& the habit$a% ten!ency to create a se'arate
an! s$bstantia% se%& +here there is in &act on%y (ast,
o'en, c%ear a+areness" This t$rnin) abo$t or
#etanoia, Len ca%%s satori or !ensho" 0;en0 #eans
tr$e nat$re an! 0sho0 #eans 0!irect%y seein)"0
Direct%y seein) ones tr$e nat$re is beco#in) B$!!ha"
As Meister Ec*hart '$t it, 0In this brea*in) thro$)h I
&in! that 6o! an! I are both the sa#e"0
T;W- Is en%i)hten#ent act$a%%y e1'erience! as a rea%
!eath, or is that .$st a co##on #eta'hor<
;W- Act$a% e)o/!eath, yes" Its no #eta'hor" The acco$nts
o& this e1'erience, +hich #ay be (ery !ra#atic b$t
can a%so be &air%y si#'%e an! non!ra#atic, #a*e it
c%ear that a%% o& a s$!!en yo$ si#'%y +a*e $' an!
!isco(er that, a#on) other thin)s, yo$r rea% bein) is
e(erythin) yo$ are no+ %oo*in) at, that yo$ are
%itera%%y one +ith a%% #ani&estation, one +ith the
$ni(erse, ho+e(er corny that #i)ht so$n!, an! that
yo$ !i! not act$a%%y become one +ith 6o! an! A%%,
yo$ ha(e eterna%%y been that oneness b$t !i!nt
rea%i8e it"
A%on) +ith that &ee%in), or the !isco(ery o& the a%%/
'er(a!in) Se%&, )oes the (ery concrete &ee%in) that
yo$r s#a%% se%& si#'%y !ie!, act$a%%y !ie!" Len ca%%s
satori 0the 6reat Death"0 Ec*hart +as .$st as b%$nt-
0The so$%,0 he sai!, 0#$st '$t itse%& to !eath"0
Coo#aras+a#y e1'%ains- 0It is on%y by #a*in)
ste''in) stones o& o$r !ea! se%(es, $nti% +e rea%i8e at
%ast that there is %itera%%y nothin) +ith +hich +e can
i!enti&y o$r Se%&, that +e can beco#e +hat +e are"0
Or Ec*hart a)ain, 0The *in)!o# o& 6o! is &or none b$t
the thoro$)h%y !ea!"0
T;W- Dyin) to the s#a%% se%& is the !isco(ery o& eternity"
;W- FLon) 'a$seG 3es, 'ro(i!e! +e !ont thin* o& eternity
as bein) e(er%astin) ti#e b$t a 'oint +itho$t ti#e,
the so/ca%%e! eterna% 'resent or ti#e%ess no+" The
Se%& !oesnt %i(e &ore(er in ti#e, it %i(es in the ti#e%ess
'resent 'rior to ti#e, 'rior to history, chan)e,
s$ccession" The Se%& is 'resent as 7$re 7resence, not
as e(er%astin) !$ration, a rather horrib%e notion"
Any+ay, that brin)s $s to the si1th #a.or 'oint o&
the 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy, na#e%y, that en%i)hten#ent
or %iberation brin)s an en! to s$&&erin)" 6a$ta#a
B$!!ha, &or e1a#'%e, sai! that he on%y ta$)ht t+o
thin)s, +hat ca$ses s$&&erin) an! ho+ to en! it" What
ca$ses s$&&erin) is the )ras'in) an! !esirin) o& the
se'arate se%&, an! +hat en!s it is the #e!itati(e 'ath
that transcen!s se%& an! !esire" The 'oint is that
s$&&erin) is inherent in the *not or contraction *no+n
as se%&, an! the on%y +ay to en! s$&&erin) is to en!
the se%&" Its not that a&ter en%i)hten#ent, or a&ter
s'irit$a% 'ractice in )enera%, yo$ no %on)er &ee% 'ain or
an)$ish or &ear or h$rt" 3o$ !o" Its si#'%y that they
no %on)er threaten yo$r e1istence, an! so they cease
to be 'rob%e#atic" 3o$ are no %on)er i!enti&ie! +ith
the#, !ra#ati8in) the#, ener)i8in) the#, threatene!
by the#" On the one han!, there is no %on)er any
&ra)#ente! se%& to threaten, an! on the other, the bi)
Se%& cant be threatene! since, bein) the A%%, there is
nothin) o$tsi!e o& it that co$%! har# it" A 'ro&o$n!
re%a1in) an! $ncoi%in) occ$rs in the heart" The
in!i(i!$a% rea%i8es that, no #atter ho+ #$ch s$&&erin)
#i)ht occ$r, it !oesnt &$n!a#enta%%y a&&ect his or her
rea% Bein)" S$&&erin) co#es an! )oes, b$t the 'erson
no+ 'ossesses the 0'eace that s$r'asseth
$n!erstan!in)"0 The sa)e &ee%s s$&&erin), b$t it
!oesnt 0h$rt"0 Beca$se the sa)e is a+are o&
s$&&erin), he or she is #oti(ate! by co#'assion, by a
!esire to he%' a%% those +ho s$&&er an! thin* its rea%"
T;W- Which brin)s $s to the se(enth 'oint, abo$t
en%i)htene! #oti(ation"
;W- 3es" Tr$e en%i)hten#ent is sai! to iss$e in socia%
action !ri(en by #ercy, co#'assion, an! s*i%%&$%
#eans, in an atte#'t to he%' a%% bein)s attain the
s$'re#e %iberation" En%i)htene! acti(ity is si#'%y
se%&%ess ser(ice" Since +e are a%% one in the sa#e Se%&,
or the sa#e #ystica% bo!y o& Christ, or the sa#e
Dhar#a*aya, then in ser(in) others I a# ser(in) #y
o+n Se%&" I thin* +hen Christ sai!, 0Lo(e yo$r
nei)hbor as yo$rse%&,0 he #$st ha(e #eant 0Lo(e
yo$r nei)hbor as yo$r Se%&"0
T;W- Than* yo$"
,
What I *e't thin*in) a&ter that inter(ie+ +as, that's the
'erson I %o(e #ore than #y se%&, bi) S or s#a%% s"
5, am come as Time, the %aster of peoples, ready for the
hour that ripens to their ruin35
5What, , couldn't hear that3 What did you say65
5Ready for the hour that ripens to their ruin 3335
5Who's there6 Treya, that you6 S%eetie65
When Treya &irst hit a!o%escence, she ha! a 'o+er&$%
an! >$ite 'ro&o$n! #ystica% e1'erience, an e1'erience that
+as 'robab%y the sin)%e #ost in&%$entia% e(ent in her %i&e"
0When !i! this ha''en<0 I as*e! her one e(enin) short%y
a&ter +e ha! #et"
0I +as thirteen" I +as sittin) in &ront o& a &ire'%ace, by
#yse%&, +atchin) the &ire, an! a%% o& a s$!!en I beca#e
the s#o*e &ro# the &ire an! I be)an to rise $' into the
s*y, hi)her an! hi)her, $nti% I beca#e one +ith a%%
s'ace"0
03o$ +ere no %on)er i!enti&ie! +ith yo$r in!i(i!$a% se%&
an! bo!y<0
0I co#'%ete%y !isso%(e!, I beca#e one +ith
e(erythin)" There +as no in!i(i!$a% se%& at a%%"0
03o$ +ere sti%% conscio$s<0
0Wi!e a+a*e"0
0B$t that +as (ery rea%, ri)ht<0
0Co#'%ete%y rea%" It &e%t %i*e I +as co#in) ho#e, %i*e I
+as &ina%%y +here I be%on)e!" I *no+ a%% the na#es &or
this 2 I ha! &o$n! #y rea% Se%&, or 6o!, or Tao, an! so on
2 b$t I !i!nt *no+ those ter#s then" I on%y *ne+ I +as
ho#e, I +as 'er&ect%y sa&e, or sa(e! I )$ess" This +asnt
a !rea#, e(erythin) e%se see#e! %i*e a !rea#, the
or!inary +or%! see#e! %i*e a !rea#, this +as rea%"0
That #ystica% e1'erience beca#e the centra% )$i!in)
'rinci'%e in Treyas %i&e, e(en tho$)h she !i!nt ta%* abo$t it
#$ch 40those +ho *no+ !ont s'ea* """05" It +as 'art o& her
%i&e%on) interest in s'irit$a%ity an! #e!itation, it +as behin!
her chan)in) her na#e to Treya, it +as 'art o& the stren)th
an! co$ra)e +ith +hich she +o$%! &ace cancer"
That i#a)e since chi%!hoo! o& e1'an!in), #y
#o%ec$%es e(ent$a%%y #i1in) +ith the entire $ni(erse, is
a *in! o& )$i!in) sy#bo% &or #y %i&e" Its the on%y thin)
that rea%%y #o(es #e, that brin)s tears to #y eyes, #y
!esire to &o%%o+ a s'irit$a% 'ath, to &in! oneness +ith
e(erythin), to #a*e #y %i&es +or* &$rther that &or
#yse%& an! others" I thin* one o& the reasons that I )et so
rest%ess +ith co$nse%in) an! schoo% is that #y rea%
interest %ies +ithin" I >$ic*%y beco#e bore! +ith thin)s" I
thin* thats 'art%y beca$se the on%y thin)s that rea%%y
interest #e are the inner s'irit$a% >$estions an! +hen I
*ee' tryin) to !irect the# o$t+ar!, as in co$nse%in), I
%ose interest"
I nee! to hear that inner (oice, that inner )$i!ance,
to stren)then it, to no$rish it, to contact it, to in(est it
+ith 'o+er " " " on%y then +i%% I be ab%e to hear it in a +ay
that can )i(e #y %i&e !irection an! )$i!ance" I &in! #y
heart s+e%%in) at the tho$)ht, the 'ossibi%ity, ty'in) +ith
#y eyes c%ose! to &ee% in!ee! that inner &ee%in), the
e1'ansion, the %on)in)" This has been the #ain
the#e?threa! o& #y %i&e" That &ee%in) o& e1'ansion #$st
co#e &irst, an! be !ee'ene!, an! %ater it .$st nat$ra%%y
o(er&%o+s into a )ro$n!e!, en%i)htene! concern +ith a%%
those iss$es o& o$r h$#anness, +hich is to say, o$r
)o!%iness" In tr$th, +hat I $%ti#ate%y yearn &or is that
abso%$te%y e)o%ess state, &ree o& se'arate se%&" " " "
An! in tr$th, that is e1act%y the )oa% an! '$r'ose o&
#e!itation"
5Treya, really, s%eetie, that's not funny, first get the tea
and come bac! here, %ould you65 The fire has died out,
lea#ing the air faintly singed3
5This is e2tremely unfunny3 ,'m coming out there35
'ut there is no there; , really can't see anything3 The
only sensory e2perience , ha#e is of coldness3
5.K, you really got me3 Left shoulder and all that3 Ripens
to their ruin3 ery good, #ery good3 Loo!, could %e 8ust tal!
a minute65
+
Bodymind Dro,,ed-
SITTIN6 ODIETL3, sensin) #y breath #o(in)
thro$)ho$t #y bo!y, %e)s crosse! in a ha%& %ot$s" I hear
the %o+ #$r#$r o& the +a(es beyon!, +ater #o(in) in
to caress the shore, sin* into the san!, then a s%o+
re%$ctant #o(e bac* o$t to the !e'ths, )atherin) into
itse%&, then a)ain the sens$o$s )%i!e &or+ar!, reachin)
o$t to+ar! the other, a *in! o& %on)in) an! !arin) in that
#o(e#ent o$t &ro# onese%&" In o$t, +ith!ra+in)
#eetin), sa&ety ris*in)" Li*e the breath #o(in) thro$)h
#y bo!y, brin)in) the other insi!e #y bo!y %i*e +ater
#in)%in) +ith san!, t+o !i&&erent e%e#ents #i1in),
borro+in), )i(in) %i&e to each other" An! I sen! the s'ent
breath o$t a)ain, bac* into the ocean o& air a%% aro$n! to
be rechar)e!, .$st as the sea +ith!ra+s to its o+n
!e'ths be&ore a)ain )%i!in) &or+ar! to caress an! sin*
into the san!" To)ether they )%isten an! shi##er in the
#ornin) s$nshine, the constant %o+ #$r#$r o& their
#eetin) an! 'artin), #eetin) an! 'artin) &i%%s #y bein)"
Treya ret$rne! &ro# the #e!itation retreat re.$(enate!"
Constr$ction ha! been !e%aye! on the Tahoe ho$se, so +e
+ere sti%% in o$r '%ace at M$ir Beach" Treya +a%*e! in the
&ront !oor, an! she %oo*e! ra!iant, a%#ost trans'arent" She
a%so %oo*e! (ery stron), (ery sec$re, (ery so%i!" She sai!
that, on the one han!, she ha! contin$e! to ha(e (ery
!ist$rbin) i#a)es o& a rec$rrence, on the other, she +asnt
a&rai! o& it" She &e%t she ha! t$rne! a corner in !ea%in) +ith
her &ear o& a rec$rrence"
So +hat !i! I !o on the retreat< I +as to%! to s'en!
ten to e%e(en ho$rs a !ay &oc$sin) on #y breath #o(in)
in an! o$t o& #y nostri%s, .$st #y breath" To notice +hen
#y #in! straye! an! brin) it bac* to the breath" To
notice +hat ca#e $', the tho$)hts an! the e#otions,
an! once I +as a+are o& a tho$)ht or e#otion to a)ain
brin) #y attention bac* to #y breath" 7atient%y,
'ersistent%y, !i%i)ent%y" To 'ractice, to !isci'%ine #y
a+areness"
Then I +as ta$)ht to brin) this no+ so#e+hat
!isci'%ine! a+areness to bear on #y bo!y" To &oc$s on
the sensation aro$n! #y nose an! %ater to &oc$s on the
sensations in !i&&erent 'arts o& #y bo!y" To s+ee' +ith
#y a+areness !o+n an! $', !o+n an! $' the bo!y" To
notice the sensations, &oc$s on b%in! s'ots, notice the
'ains, ret$rn +hen I +an!ere!, a%% +ith 'oise an! ca%#
an! e>$ani#ity" Rather than &oc$sin) on so#ethin)
e1terna% to #yse%&, #y bo!y beca#e the %aboratory &or
e1'eri#ents in trainin) #y attention" This +as #y &i&th
ten/!ay retreat +ith 6oen*a, so I +as )ettin) so#e+hat
'ro&icient at the 'ractice"
What ha''ene! as I #e!itate! on #y bo!y, on these
'hysica% sensations, so#e '%eas$rab%e, so#e 'ain&$%< =or
the &irst se(era% !ays I obsesse! abo$t eye 'ains an!
hea!aches that &ri)htene! #e" I#a)es o& cancer
rec$rrence s$r&ace! a%% the ti#e, &ears o& %ea(in) ;en, o&
+hat #i)ht ha''en" E(ery 'ain&$% sensation in #y bo!y,
no #atter ho+ s%i)ht, tri))ere! i#a)es o& a 'ossib%e
rec$rrence, +ith tre#en!o$s &ear aro$n! each i#a)e"
It +as a !i&&ic$%t str$))%e, b$t by the &i&th !ay I co$%!
.$st +itness the sensations +itho$t .$!)in) the#" I co$%!
be a+are o& the &ear&$% i#a)es +itho$t reactin) to the#,
+itho$t beco#in) a&rai! o& the#, or a&rai! o& &ear itse%&" I
beca#e ac$te%y a+are o& #y a+areness, o& #y ca'acity
si#'%y to be a+are, an! o& the ten!ency &or this
a+areness to +an!er, to be ca't$re! by e(ents or
tho$)hts on its 'eri'hery" This &oca% a+areness be)an to
see# %i*e a *in! o& &%ash%i)ht, a bea# o& %i)ht +hich I
co$%! !irect" Where(er I !irecte! it, I beca#e conscio$s%y
a+are o& +hat +as ha''enin) there" I& it +as the
constant '%ay o& sensation on the to' o& #y hea!, or the
'ain in #y eyes, or the rec$rrin) hea!ache, then that is
+hat I +as conscio$s%y a+are o&, +itho$t .$!)in) it, or
#o(in) a+ay &ro# it, or &earin) it"
I a%so beca#e #ore a+are o& the a%+ays e1istent
bac*)ro$n! o& this &oca% a+areness, the thin)s that
#o(e! an! chan)e! in the !i##er %i)ht at the e!)e o&
the &%ash%i)hts bea#" These I +as (a)$e%y a+are o& b$t
not conscio$s%y so $nti% I !irecte! the &%ash%i)ht to+ar!
the#" They +ere the bac*)ro$n! o& #y a+areness" Th$s
I beca#e a+are o& the &i)$re/)ro$n! re%ationshi'
bet+een #y &oca% a+areness an! #y !i&&$se a+areness,
coe1istin) an! shi&tin) as I shi&te! #y attention or as #y
attention shi&te! ran!o#%y"
I beca#e a+are o& the 'o+er&$% ro%e #y attention
'%aye! in !eter#inin) #y state o& conscio$sness" I co$%!
si#'%y +itness #y sensations, in +hich case I &e%t ca%#,
ba%ance!, in e>$ani#ity" Or I co$%! .$!)e an! &ear #y
sensations, in +hich case I &e%t an1iety an! so#eti#es
'anic"
As I &oc$se! +ithin this bo!y, I beca#e a+are o&
thin)s I ha! ne(er been a+are o& be&ore" A+are o&
tho$)hts 2 i!eas, conce'ts, +or!s, i#a)es, stray
sensations, ran!o# bits o& stories, chattin) (oices insi!e
&i%%in) $' any e#'ty s'ace, o!! %itt%e $n&inishe!
co#binations o& e(ents e#er)in) into an! &a!in) &ro#
#y a+areness" I beca#e a+are o& habits 2 the habit o&
te%%in) these inner !rea#%i*e stories, o& a$to#atica%%y
+antin) to #o(e +hene(er #y 'osition )re+ the %east
bit $nco#&ortab%e, o& rest%essness, o& contin$a%%y
'%annin) ahea!, the habit o& a constant%y +an!erin)
attention" I beca#e a+are o& the 'assin) &%o+ o& #y
e#otions 2 irritation at 'hysica% 'ain, &ear that I +o$%!
not be ab%e to %ast the ten !ays, &ear o& cancer, cra(in)
&or s'ecia% *in!s o& &oo!, !esire to 'ro)ress in the
techni>$e, %o(e o& ;en, an)er +hen #y attention +o$%!
+an!er, #ore &ear o& cancer, '%eas$re at certain +a(es
o& sensation"
I %earne! )ra!$a%%y, accor!in) to instr$ctions, to
si#'%y +atch a%% o& this inner acti(ity +ith #ore an!
#ore ba%ance, +ith e>$ani#ity, +itho$t cra(in) an!
a(ersion" To +atch the tho$)hts, the habits, an! e(en
the e#otions ca%#%y" I +o$%! s$ccee! one #o#ent, then
s%i' i##e!iate%y into !esirin) &or the s$ccess to
contin$e" I +o$%! +atch the 'ain in #y eye o'en%y &or a
#o#ent, then &ee% the tension rise as I s%i''e! into
+antin) to )et ri! o& it" I notice! ho+ these e#otions
b%oc*e! sensations, b%oc*e! 'ro)ress" It +as tric*y to
+a%* the ra8ors e!)e o& +i%%&$% e&&ort +ith no attach#ent
to res$%ts"
As the tho$)hts an! e#otions >$iete! an! #y
attention shar'ene! I beca#e #ore an! #ore a+are o& a
+i!e ran)e o& 'hysica% sensations" A tic*%e or an itch or a
(ibration a''eare! +here be&ore I &e%t nothin), then it
'asse! a+ay" So#ethin) ne+ an! $ne1'ecte! +o$%!
a''ear, an! as >$ic*%y 'ass a+ay" Then there +ere
#o#ents +hen #y entire bo!y see#e! nothin) b$t
(ibration" The te#'tation +as a%+ays to thin* abo$t it, to
conce't$a%i8e +hat +as ha''enin), to ta%* to #yse%&
in+ar!%y, to res'on! e#otiona%%y, to 'on!er the 'ossib%e
si)ni&icance o& an e(ent, rather than to si#'%y, bare%y
notice in the #o#ent" To notice +hen so#ethin)
chan)e!, to notice +hen it +ent a+ay, to notice +hen
#y attention +an!ere!, to notice the constant chan)e,
the cease%ess &%$1, !i%i)ent%y, 'atient%y, in e(er &iner
!etai% in e(er &iner #o#ents"
The &irst &e+ !ays +ere s'ent a%#ost entire%y
obsessin)" What !oes this t+in)e #ean< An! that ache<
;en $se! to try to sha*e #e o$t o& this 2 0It h$rts there,
ri)ht there, on yo$r toe< 3o$ #ean yo$ ha(e bi) toe
cancer<0 B$t its &ri)htenin)" I &in! #yse%& ha(in) se(era%
inner con(ersations +ith 6o!, bar)ainin)- 7%ease .$st %et
#e ha(e ten years to s'en! +ith ;en, ho+ ha''y I! be
to reach &i&ty e(en 2 an! that so$n!s so yo$n)9
S$!!en%y, on the secon! !ay, I notice that #y ar#
F&ro# +hich the %y#'h no!es +ere re#o(e!G is s+o%%en9
Da#n9 What !oes that #ean< Was ne(er s+o%%en a&ter
the o'eration, +hy s$!!en%y no+< This rea%%y scares #e"
Stray tho$)ht that #aybe it +o$%! be better &or ;en i& I
)o sooner, he%% be %ess !e'en!ent on #e" I rea%i8e I a%so
a# not 'ayin) attention to #y breath9
Theres a tric*ster in #y #in!" When I# &ina%%y &$%%y
concentrate! on #y breath, a&ter str$))%in) +ith
!istractin) tho$)hts, the !an)er co#es +hen I notice #y
har!/+on concentration" The tric*ster ste's in" 0I$st
chec*in),0 it says" 0We%% !one" A %itt%e test +ont h$rt,
tho$)h,0 an! then it o&&ers $' so#e choice, tasty #orse%
%i*e +i%% that car'et co%or +or* a)ainst the tab%e co%ors or
co$%! +e 'ossib%y )et another c%oset in the be!roo#<
0Oh y$##y,0 )oes the rest o& #y #in!" 0I! %i*e to che+
on that one &or a +hi%e"0 An! there )oes #y attention,
o$t the +in!o+ once a)ain"
By the thir! !ay there are 'erio!s o& ca%# an! >$iet
that brea* thro$)h the chatterin) tho$)hts an!
e#otions" Ar# sti%% s+o%%en, b$t it !oesnt &rea* #e o$t, I
si#'%y notice the sensation" I %o(e the sense o& 'eace
an! inner >$iet" Tho$)ht o& %ea(in) ;en $nbearab%e, I cry
thro$)h the e(enin) session"
On !ay &i(e I &in! I can a%#ost co#'%ete%y %et )o an!
si#'%y +itness +hate(er co#es $', +itho$t .$!)in) it,
+itho$t '$shin) it or '$%%in) it" Whate(er co#es, co#es,
+hate(er ha''ens, ha''ens" I &in! a)ain the &ree!o# o&
si#'%y +atchin) in the #o#ent, si#'%y sittin), +itho$t a
s$bt%e !esire &or re'etition o& a 're(io$s e1'erience an!
+itho$t +ishin) &or so#ethin) ne+" I$st bein) +ith +hat
is, not +hat sho$%! be" A *in! o& rhyth# !e(e%o's in #y
#e!itation, a sense o& si#'%y bein) +ith it, o& not
&i)htin)" The e#otions an! tho$)hts are sti%% there b$t I
a# a+are o& the#, I a# not ca$)ht in the#, not s+e't
a+ay by the# 2 I ha(e so#eho+ %earne! to ste' bac*
an! .$st +atch"
On !ay se(en I notice that #y entire bo!y &ee%s %i*e a
sin)%e, +ho%e bein)" I &ee% no !i&&erence bet+een #y
ar#s an! %e)s an! tr$n*, no se'aration or con&%ict
bet+een any 'arts" Those stron), '%eas$rab%e, a%#ost
'ain&$%%y b%iss&$% ener)y c$rrents are bac*, the sa#e
c$rrents I &e%t +ith ;en that &irst ni)ht" I see# to be
beco#in) #ore a+are o& #y +ho%e bo!y" So#eti#es it
ha''ens, co#es o(er #e, in a *in! o& r$sh, so#eti#es
#ore >$iet%y" I can tra(e% thro$)h #y bo!y +ith ease,
#y bo!y &ee%s %i*e one 'iece rather than a co%%ection o&
'arts" I& I breathe (ery s%o+%y an! ca%#%y, or rather +hen
#y breath s%o+s o& its o+n accor!, I can &ee% +here a%%
the s$bt%e tensions are re#ainin) in #y bo!y, an!
so#eho+ I a# %earnin) to %et )o o& the#, a)ain an!
a)ain, an! then I &ee% the ener)y thro$)ho$t #y bo!y in
a #ore e(en +ay" Disso%(in) those areas o& ho%!in), o&
resistance, o& se'aration"
On !ay nine I notice that +hene(er a cancer i#a)e
co#es $', I !ont react to it at a%%, it !oesnt &ri)hten #e"
Or i& so#e &ear co#es $', I .$st +itness it" E>$ani#ity,
&ree &%o+, c%ear obser(ation" This ho%!s thro$)h !ay ten" I
&in! a stron) choice%ess, e&&ort%ess a+areness, +itnessin)
+ith e>$ani#ity, +ith e(enness" The +ho%e 'rocess has
chan)e!, #y attention is shar' b$t %i)ht" I !ont %ea!, I
&o%%o+" 6oen*a- 3o$ cannot in(ent sensations, yo$
cannot choose sensations, yo$ cannot create sensations
4+on!er +hat the #a*ers o& Haea)en/Da8s +o$%! say to
that5" 3o$ .$st +itness" Not ho%!in) on b$t #o(in) on,
*no+in) thin)s +i%% chan)e, the tr$th o& i#'er#anence"
Aery >$iet, (ery 'eace&$%" I +on!er ho+ this +i%% ho%! $'
in the rea% +or%!<
On the #ornin) o& No(e#ber 2:, +hi%e Treya +as ta*in)
a sho+er, she notice! t+o s#a%% b$#'s $n!er her ri)ht
breast" As Treya an! I %oo*e! #ore c%ose%y at the#, +e sa+
+hat #i)ht be t+o or three other s#a%% b$#'s" They %oo*e!
.$st %i*e ant bites, b$t they !i!nt itch" The )oo! ne+s +as,
they !i!nt #$ch %oo* %i*e cancer" The ba! ne+s +as, there
+asnt #$ch e%se they co$%! be" An! Treya an! I both *ne+
it"
We sa+ 7eter Richar!s that a&ternoon" The sa#e 'aine!
e1'ression, the sa#e 4$n!erstan!ab%y5 nonco##itta%
attit$!e" 0They co$%! be insect bites, they co$%! be
so#ethin), b$t +e better ha(e the# re#o(e!"0 We
arran)e! to be in e#er)ency s$r)ery the #ornin) a&ter
ne1t, an! then +e !ro(e ho#e to M$ir Beach"
Treyas e>$ani#ity +as astonishin)" At #ost she see#e!
s%i)ht%y annoye!" We ta%*e! brie&%y abo$t the 'ossibi%ity o&
its bein) cancer, b$t Treya !i!nt +ant to !+e%% on it" 0I& its
cancer, its cancer,0 she &ina%%y sai!, an! that +as that"
What she rea%%y +ante! to ta%* abo$t +as #e!itation an!
the e1'eriences she +as ha(in)" I$st t+o !ays ear%ier I ha!
&inishe! +or* on Transformations of (onsciousness, an!
Treya +as ea)er to co#'are notes"
0I *ee' ha(in) the e1'erience o& .$st e1'an!in)
o$t+ar!%y" I start o$t .$st +itnessin) #y #in! an! bo!y, or
.$st 'ayin) bare attention to #y tho$)hts an! sensations,
b$t then #y #in! an! bo!y see# to !isa''ear, an! I# one
+ith, I !ont *no+, 6o!, or the $ni(erse, or #y hi)her Se%&,
or so#ethin)" Its +on!er&$%90
0I !ont rea%%y care +hat +e ca%% it 2 6o!, $ni(erse, Se%&"
Do)en Len.i Fa &a#o$s Ia'anese Len MasterG )ot his
en%i)hten#ent +hen his teacher +his'ere! in his ear-
Bo!y#in! !ro''e!9 Li*e yo$ say, thats +hat it &ee%s %i*e,
i!enti&ication +ith the se'arate bo!y#in! .$st !ro's a+ay"
Thats ha''ene! to #e a &e+ ti#es, an! I thin* its (ery
rea%" I thin*, by co#'arison, the e)o is (ery $nrea%"0
0I a)ree" It &ee%s %i*e that e1'an!e! state is #ore rea%,
#ore a%i(e" Its .$st %i*e +a*in) $' 2 e(erythin) e%se see#s
!rea#%i*e" So yo$re con(ince! these e1'eriences are
rea%<0 she as*e!"
When I hear! Treya say that, I *ne+ she +ante! to '%ay
0'ro&essor"0 I *ne+ she +as )oin) to 'ic* #y #in! &or ho$rs
2 it ha! ha''ene! o&ten be&ore" I a%so *ne+ that she ha!
'robab%y a%rea!y #a!e $' her #in!, an! she .$st +ante! to
see i& I! )et it ri)ht" An! I rea%i8e! that both o& $s +o$%!
rather !o this than obsess abo$t those !a#n b$#'s" " " "
0Were in the sa#e 'osition as any scientist" A%% +e
ha(e to )o on is e1'erientia% e(i!ence" An! sooner or
%ater +e ha(e to tr$st o$r o+n e1'erience, beca$se
thats a%% +e rea%%y ha(e" Other+ise its a (icio$s circ%e" I&
I &$n!a#enta%%y !istr$st #y e1'erience, then I #$st
!istr$st e(en #y ca'acity to !istr$st, since that is a%so
an e1'erience" So sooner or %ater I ha(e no choice b$t to
tr$st, tr$st #y e1'erience, tr$st that the $ni(erse is not
&$n!a#enta%%y an! 'ersistent%y )oin) to %ie to #e" O&
co$rse +e can be #ista*en, an! so#eti#es e1'eriences
are #is%ea!in), b$t on ba%ance +e ha(e no choice b$t to
&o%%o+ the#" Its a ty'e o& 'heno#eno%o)ica% i#'erati(e"
An! es'ecia%%y #ystica% e1'eriences 2 i& anythin), as yo$
say, they are #ore rea%, not %ess rea%, than other
e1'eriences"0
I +as thin*in) o& He)e%s criti>$e o& ;ant- yo$ cant
>$estion a+areness since the on%y too% yo$ ha(e is
a+areness" Tryin) to !o so, He)e% sai!, is %i*e tryin) to )o
s+i##in) +itho$t )ettin) +et" We are !renche! in
a+areness, in e1'erience, an! ha(e no choice b$t to )o
+ith it on so#e 'ro&o$n! %e(e%"
Treya contin$e!"
0The Tibetans ha(e a 'hrase I a%+ays %i*e!- #in! is
a%% s'ace" Thats +hat it &ee%s %i*e &or #e" O& co$rse, this
e1'erience on%y %asts a &e+ secon!s, then ba#9 its the
sa#e o%! Terry a)ain"0
0I %i*e that 'hrase too" 3o$ +ere !oin) (i'assana
#e!itation, +here yo$ *ee' yo$r #in! &oc$se! on yo$r
breath or so#e other sensation" B$t the Tibetans ha(e a
'ractice +here, on the o$tbreath, yo$ are act$a%%y s$''ose!
to #i1 the #in! +ith a%% s'ace or #i1 the #in! an! s*y"
This #eans, +hen yo$ breathe o$t, yo$ si#'%y &ee% yo$r
se'arate i!entity )oin) o$t +ith the breath an! then
!isso%(in) into the s*y in &ront o& yo$ 2 !isso%(in), in other
+or!s, into the entire $ni(erse" Its (ery 'o+er&$%"0
0I(e act$a%%y starte! !oin) that,0 she sai!, 0b$t
a%#ost s'ontaneo$s%y" An! recent%y theres been a rea%
chan)e in #y #e!itation" I start o$t (ery &oc$se! an!
(ery +i%%&$%, concentratin) on the breath, then care&$%%y
s+ee'in) !o+n an! $' the bo!y" B$t then I e1'erience
#o#ents +hen there see#s to be a s$!!en abr$'t shi&t
o& a+areness" Then, instea! o& !irectin) #y attention
so#e+here, I .$st sit an! !ont 'ay attention to
anythin), rea%%y" It see#s #$ch c%oser to so#ethin) %i*e
co#'%ete se%&/s$rren!er, .$st s$rren!erin) to the !i(ine
+i%%, %ettin) )o an! %ettin) 6o!" E(erythin) is sacri&ice!,
e(erythin) is e1'ose!" This see#s #$ch #ore 'o+er&$%"0
0My o+n e1'erience is that either +ay +i%% +or*, yo$ .$st
ha(e to be consistent"0 I tho$)ht &or a +hi%e" 03o$ *no+,
yo$re act$a%%y !escribin) 'er&ect%y +hat the Ia'anese
B$!!hists ca%% se%&/'o+er (ers$s other/'o+er" A%%
#e!itation brea*s !o+n into those t+o ty'es" Se%&/'o+er is
e'ito#i8e! by Len, by (i'assana, by .nana yo)a" Here, one
re%ies strict%y on ones o+n 'o+ers o& concentration an!
a+areness in or!er to brea* thro$)h the e)o to a %ar)er
i!entity" In other/'o+er, one re%ies on the 'o+er o& the
)$r$, or on 6o!, or si#'%y on co#'%ete s$rren!er"0
0An! yo$ thin* they both co#e to the sa#e en!<0
Treya %oo*e! $ncon(ince!"
0I !o" Re#e#ber e(en Ra#ana Maharshi F)enera%%y
re)ar!e! as In!ias )reatest #o!ern sa)eG sai! that there
are t+o +ays to en%i)hten#ent- either in>$ire, Who a# I<,
+hich $n!er#ines the e)o co#'%ete%y, or s$rren!er to the
)$r$ or 6o! an! %et 6o! stri*e !o+n the e)o" Either +ay the
e)o is $n!one an! the Se%& shines &orth" 7ersona%%y I#
hoo*e! on the se%&/in>$iry Who a# I<, +hich is a%so a
&a#o$s Len *oan" B$t I# con(ince! they both +or*"0
Treya an! I shi&te! to the *itchen to )et so#e tea" The
to'ic o& cancer ha!nt co#e $'"
Knoc!, !noc!3
5Who's there65
Knoc!, !noc!3
5Who's there65 ery cold, #ery silent3 Three hall%ays,
one door
Knoc!, !noc!3 5, said, %ho's there6 damn it3 What is this,
a '!noc!<!noc!' 8o!e65 ,t's too dar! to mo#e easily or
:uic!ly, so rather haltingly , fumble to%ard the door and in
anger fling it open3
0I# c$rio$s ho+ they co$%! both +or*,0 Treya sai!"
0They &ee% so !i&&erent" In (i'assana yo$ stri(e so har!,
at %east at &irst, b$t in se%&/s$rren!er theres no e&&ort at
a%%"0
0We%%, I# no )$r$, I can on%y )i(e yo$ #y be)inners
$n!erstan!in)" B$t it see#s to #e that +hat they both
ha(e in co##on 2 +e%%, act$a%%y, +hat (irt$a%%y a%% &or#s o&
#e!itation ha(e in co##on 2 is that they brea* the e)o by
stren)thenin) the Witness, stren)thenin) yo$r innate
ca'acity to si#'%y +itness 'heno#ena"0
0B$t ho+ is that !i&&erent &ro# #y e)o< I ten! to thin*
that the e)o can +itness, or can be a+are"0 Treya
scre+e! $' her nose, si''e! her tea"
0B$t thats the 'oint" The e)o is not a rea% s$b.ect, the
e)o is .$st another ob8ect" In other +or!s, yo$ can be a+are
o& yo$r e)o, yo$ can see yo$r e)o" E(en i& 'arts o& the e)o
are $nconscio$s, a%% the 'arts can at %east theoretica%%y
beco#e ob.ects o& a+areness" The e)o, in other +or!s, can
be seen, it can be *no+n" An! there&ore it is not the Seer,
not the ;no+er, not the Witness" The e)o is .$st a b$nch o&
#enta% ob.ects, #enta% i!eas an! sy#bo%s an! i#a)es an!
conce'ts, that +e ha(e i!enti&ie! +ith" We i!enti&y +ith
these ob.ects an! then $se those ob.ects as so#ethin) +ith
+hich +e %oo* at an! th$s !istort the +or%!"0
Treya 'ic*e! $' the the#e i##e!iate%y" Most o& these
i!eas +ere a%rea!y &a#i%iar to both o& $s, +e +ere .$st
thin*in) o$t %o$!, rea&&ir#in) o$r $n!erstan!in)" An! I, at
any rate, +as a(oi!in) another to'ic"
0In other +or!s,0 she sai!, 0+e i!enti&y +ith those
ob.ects in here, #enta% ob.ects in o$r hea!, an! that
*ee's $s se'arate! &ro# the +or%! o$t there" So its se%&
(ers$s other, s$b.ect (ers$s ob.ect" I re#e#ber
;rishna#$rti sayin) once, In the )a' bet+een the
s$b.ect an! the ob.ect %ies the +ho%e #isery o& #an*in!"
0
0An! the o!! 'oint is that the e)o isnt e(en a rea%
s$b.ect, a rea% ca'ita% S Se%&, its .$st a series o& conscio$s or
$nconscio$s ob.ects" An! so the +ay yo$ start to brea* this
case o& #ista*en i!entity is to start to %oo* at a%% the
contents an! ob.ects o& the #in!, yo$ start obser(in) the
#in!, .$st %i*e in (i'assana or in Len" 3o$ e1ha$sti(e%y %oo*
at the #enta%/e)oic +or%!, yo$ """0
0In other +or!s,0 Treya .$#'e! in, 0yo$ ta*e the
'osition o& the Witness instea! o& the e)o" 3o$ .$st
ob.ecti(e%y an! i#'artia%%y +itness a%% #enta% ob.ects,
tho$)hts, sensations, i#a)es, e#otions, an! so on,
+itho$t i!enti&yin) +ith the# or .$!)in) the#"0
03es, to the 'oint that it starts to !a+n on yo$- since yo$
can see a%% these tho$)hts an! i#a)es, they cannot be the
rea% Seer, ca'ita% S, the rea% Witness" 3o$r i!entity starts to
shi&t &ro# the 'ersona% e)o, +hich is .$st another ob.ect, to
the i#'ersona% Witness, +hich is the rea% S$b.ect or the rea%
Se%&, ca'ita% S, ca'ita% S"0
0Ri)ht,0 Treya sai!" 0An! its the Witness or bi) Se%&
that is one +ith 6o!, or one +ith S'irit" Thats +hy, e(en
i& I start o$t +ith in!i(i!$a% e&&ort, tryin) to +itness #y
o+n #in! an! bo!y, I en! $' +ith #y i!entity shi&tin)
o$t+ar!, beco#in) one +ith a%% s'ace" An! thats the
sa#e '%ace I en! $' i& I a%so be)in by s$rren!erin) to
6o!, to the $ni(erse" I a%so en! $' in that %ar)er Se%& or
%ar)er a+areness" We%%, a &e+ ti#es I en! $' there,
#ost%y I en! $' Terry90
03eah, I thin* thats +hy St" C%e#ent sai!, He +ho
*no+s his Se%& *no+s 6o!" There is on%y one Witness in
each o& $s, one S'irit %oo*in) o$t thro$)h !i&&erent eyes,
ta%*in) +ith !i&&erent (oices, +a%*in) +ith !i&&erent %e)s" B$t
the #ystics say its the sa#e Witness, one an! the sa#e"
Theres on%y one 6o!, one Se%&, one Witness, a%% ca'ita%s"0
0O;, by +itnessin) the e)o, obser(in) a%% as'ects o&
the bo!y an! #in!, I !isi!enti&y +ith those ob.ects, an!
i!enti&y instea! +ith the tr$e Se%&, the Witness" An! the
Witness is S'irit, Brah#an"0
0Accor!in) to the 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy, yes, !e&inite%y"0
Treya be)an #a*in) another batch o& tea" 0Di! yo$
'$t any o& this into Transformations of (onsciousness<0
0So#e o& it, yeah" B$t #ost%y I centere! on the
!e(e%o'#ent o& the Witness, on the sta)es o& #ista*en
i!entity that the Witness )oes thro$)h be&ore it a+a*ens to
its o+n tr$e nat$re" I a%so centere! on the ty'es o& ne$roses
or 'atho%o)ies that can occ$r at each o& these
!e(e%o'#enta% sta)es, an! the ty'es o& treat#ent that
see# best s$ite! &or each sta)e"0 I +as 'ro$! o& that boo*,
it +as the %ast thin) I +o$%! +rite &or a%#ost &o$r years"
0Ha(e I hear! any o& that be&ore< So$n!s ne+"0
0Most o& it is ne+" I%% )i(e yo$ the Reader's Digest
(ersion" 3o$ *no+ the 6reat Chain o& Bein)""""0
0S$re, the (ario$s %e(e%s o& e1istence"0
03eah" Accor!in) to the 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy, rea%ity
consists o& se(era% !i&&erent %e(e%s or !i#ensions, &ro# the
%east rea% to the #ost rea%" This is the 6reat Chain o& Bein),
reachin) &ro# #atter to bo!y to #in! to so$% to s'irit"
Matter, bo!y, #in!, so$%, s'irit 2 those are &i(e %e(e%s or
!i#ensions" So#e tra!itions ha(e se(en %e(e%s 2 the se(en
cha*ras, &or e1a#'%e" So#e tra!itions .$st ha(e three %e(e%s
2 bo!y, #in!, an! s'irit" So#e tra!itions ha(e %itera%%y
!o8ens o& %e(e%s" As yo$ *no+, in #y o+n +ritin) I ten! to
$se abo$t t+o !o8en %e(e%s"
0Any+ay, the si#'%er (ersion o& #atter, bo!y, #in!,
so$%, an! s'irit +i%% !o" The 'oint is that in h$#an )ro+th
an! !e(e%o'#ent, the Witness, or rea% Se%& ca'ita% S, starts
o$t i!enti&ie! +ith the #ateria% se%&, then the bo!i%y se%&,
then the #enta% se%&, then the so$% se%&, an! &ina%%y re(erts
to, or a+a*ens to, its o+n tr$e nat$re as s'irit" Each sta)e
inc%$!es the 're(io$s sta)e, an! then a!!s its o+n $ni>$e
as'ects in or!er to &or# a %ar)er $nion, $nti% there is
$%ti#ate%y a $nion +ith the A%%" In the boo* I try to sho+ ho+
the (ario$s !e(e%o'#enta% 'sycho%o)ists, East an! West,
&ro# =re$! to I$n) to B$!!ha to 7%otin$s, +ere a%%
!escribin) (ario$s as'ects o& this sa#e se>$ence, this
sa#e !e(e%o'#enta% se>$ence that is basica%%y .$st the
6reat Chain o& Bein)"0
0So its *in! o& %i*e '%$))in) a%% o& #o!ern 'sycho%o)y
into the 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy"0
03es, thats ri)ht" We )et a synthesis that +ay" The thin)
is, it +or*s, it rea%%y +or*s" I thin*"0 We starte! %a$)hin)"
The s$n +as .$st settin) on the beach" Treya see#e!
)en$ine%y at ease, re%a1e!, s#i%in)" As $s$a%, +e #ana)e!
so#eho+ to ha(e at %east one 'oint o& 'hysica% contact, one
'oint o& )ro$n!in) bet+een $s" By this ti#e +e +ere %yin)
on the car'ete! &%oor, on o$r bac*s, at ri)ht an)%es to each
other, #y ri)ht &oot %i)ht%y to$chin) her %e&t *nee"
0So,0 Treya s$##ari8e!, 0!e(e%o'#ent 'rocee!s $'
the 6reat Chain o& Bein), %e(e% by %e(e%"0
0We%%, #ore or %ess, yes" The 'oint abo$t #e!itation is
that it is si#'%y a +ay to carry on !e(e%o'#ent" Me!itation
is ho+ yo$ contin$e to )ro+ an! !e(e%o' beyon! the #in!
into the %e(e%s o& so$% an! s'irit" An! yo$ !o that in
essentia%%y the sa#e +ay that yo$ !e(e%o'e! thro$)h the
&irst three %e(e%s- the Witness in yo$ !isi!enti&ies +ith the
%o+er %e(e% in or!er to &in! a %ar)er an! #ore inc%$si(e
i!entity +ith the ne1t hi)her %e(e%, an! this 'rocess
contin$es $nti% the Witness re(erts to, an! re!isco(ers, its
o+n tr$e nat$re as S'irit itse%&"0
0I see,0 Treya sai!, +ar#in) to the to'ic" 0So thats
+hy a+areness #e!itation +or*s" By %oo*in) at #y
#in!, or 'racticin) bare attention to a%% #enta% e(ents, I
e(ent$a%%y transcen! the #in!, or !isi!enti&y +ith it, an!
#o(e $' the 6reat Chain to the %e(e%s o& so$% an! then
s'irit" Its basica%%y an e1ten!e! (ie+ o& e(o%$tion, %i*e
Tei%har! !e Char!in or A$robin!o"0
03es, I thin* so" The bo!y is a+are o& #atter, the #in! is
a+are o& the bo!y, the so$% is a+are o& the #in!, an! s'irit
is a+are o& the so$%" Each ste' $' is an increase in
a+areness, a !isco(ery o& a %ar)er an! +i!er i!entity, $nti%
there is nothin) b$t the s$'re#e i!entity an! a $ni(ersa%
a+areness, so/ca%%e! cos#ic conscio$sness" A%% o& that
so$n!s 'retty !ry an! abstract, b$t as yo$ *no+, the act$a%
'rocess, or the act$a% #ystica% state, is incre!ib%y si#'%e
an! ob(io$s"0 The settin) s$n%i)ht +as '%ayin) o&& the roo&
an! +a%%s"
0Want to )et so#ethin) to eat<0 I sai!" 0I co$%! #a*e
s'a)hetti"0
0One %ast thin)" 3o$ sai! that yo$ tie! these
!e(e%o'#enta% sta)es in +ith (ario$s ty'es o& ne$roses
or e#otiona% 'rob%e#s in )enera%" In schoo% they te%% $s
that #ost 'sychiatrists no+ brea* these 'rob%e#s !o+n
into three )enera% cate)ories- 'sychoses, %i*e
schi8o'hrenia, the bor!er%ine con!itions, %i*e narcissis#,
an! )enera% ne$roses" Ho+ !oes that &it in< Or !o yo$
a)ree +ith those cate)ories at a%%<0
0Oh, I a)ree +ith the#, +ith those three #ain
cate)ories, b$t they .$st !ont )o &ar eno$)h" They on%y
co(er the &irst three o& the &i(e %e(e%s" I& so#ethin) )oes
+ron) at %e(e% one, yo$ )et 'sychoses, at %e(e% t+o, the
bor!er%ine syn!ro#es, at %e(e% three, the ne$roses" To '$t it
rather si#'%istica%%y"0
0I see" So that co(ers the three #a.or ortho!o1
cate)ories" B$t 'sychiatry i)nores the hi)her %e(e%s o&
!e(e%o'#ent, !enies the so$% an! s'irit, an! so thats
+hat yo$ are tryin) to re!ress in Transformations,
ri)ht<0 It +as )ettin) !ar* no+, an!, +ith a &$%% #oon
a%rea!y o$t, M$ir Beach be)an to shi##er in the
!i#ness"
0Thats ri)ht" The so$%, as I a# $sin) the ter#, is a sort
o& ha%&+ay ho$se, ha%&+ay bet+een the 'ersona% e)o/#in!
an! the i#'ersona% or trans'ersona% S'irit" The so$% is the
Witness as it shines &orth in yo$ an! nobo!y e%se" The so$%
is the ho#e o& the Witness in that sense" Once yo$ are
estab%ishe! on the so$% %e(e%, then yo$ are estab%ishe! as
the Witness, as the rea% Se%&" Once yo$ '$sh thro$)h the
so$% %e(e%, then the Witness itse%& co%%a'ses into e(erythin)
+itnesse!, or yo$ beco#e one +ith e(erythin) yo$ are
a+are o&" 3o$ !ont +itness the c%o$!s, yo$ are the c%o$!s"
Thats S'irit"0
0So " " "0 Treya 'a$se!" 0It see#s %i*e there is sort o&
)oo! ne+s an! ba! ne+s abo$t the so$%"0
0We%%, in a sense the so$% or the Witness in yo$ is the
hi)hest 'ointer to+ar! S'irit an! the %ast barrier to S'irit"
Its on%y &ro# the 'osition o& the Witness that yo$ can .$#'
into S'irit, so to s'ea*" B$t the Witness itse%& e(ent$a%%y has
to !isso%(e or !ie" E(en yo$r o+n so$% has to be sacri&ice!
an! re%ease! an! %et )o o&, or !ie! to, in or!er &or yo$r
$%ti#ate i!entity +ith S'irit to ra!iate &orth" Beca$se
$%ti#ate%y the so$% is .$st the &ina% contraction in a+areness,
the s$bt%est *not restrictin) $ni(ersa% S'irit, the %ast an!
s$bt%est &or# o& the se'arate/se%& sense, an! that &ina% *not
has to be $n!one" Thats the %ast !eath, as it +ere" =irst +e
!ie to the #ateria% se%& 2 that is, !isi!enti&y +ith it 2 then +e
!ie to an e1c%$si(e i!entity +ith the bo!i%y se%&, then to the
#enta% se%&, an! then &ina%%y to the so$%" The %ast one is +hat
Len ca%%s the 6reat Death" We #a*e ste''in)/stones o$t o&
a%% o$r !ea! se%(es" Each !eath to a %o+er %e(e% is a rebirth
on a hi)her %e(e%, $nti% the $%ti#ate rebirth, %iberation, or
en%i)hten#ent"0
0Wait" Why e1act%y is the so$% the &ina% *not< I& the
so$% is the ho#e o& the Witness, +hy is that a *not< The
Witness is not i!enti&ie! +ith any 'artic$%ar ob.ect, it is
.$st i#'artia%%y a+are o& a%% ob.ects"0
0We%%, thats the 'oint" Its tr$e that the Witness is not
i!enti&ie! +ith the e)o or +ith any other #enta% ob.ect, it
.$st i#'artia%%y +itnesses a%% ob.ects" B$t thats .$st it- the
Witness is sti%% se'arate &ro# a%% the ob.ects that it
+itnesses" In other +or!s, there is sti%% a (ery s$bt%e &or# o&
the s$b.ect?ob.ect !$a%is#" The Witness is a h$)e ste'
&or+ar!, an! it is a necessary an! i#'ortant ste' in
#e!itation, b$t it is not $%ti#ate" When the Witness or the
so$% is &ina%%y $n!one, then the Witness !isso%(es into
e(erythin) that is +itnesse!" The s$b.ect?ob.ect !$a%ity
co%%a'ses an! there is on%y '$re non!$a% a+areness, +hich
is (ery si#'%e, (ery ob(io$s" Li*e a &a#o$s Len Master sai!
+hen he )ot his en%i)hten#ent, When I hear! the be%% rin),
s$!!en%y there +as no 0I0 an! no 0be%%,0 .$st the rin)in)"
E(erythin) contin$es to arise, #o#ent to #o#ent, b$t
theres nobo!y !i(orce! or a%ienate! &ro# it" What yo$ are
%oo*in) o$t o& is +hat yo$ are %oo*in) at" Theres no
se'aration or &ra)#entation bet+een s$b.ect an! ob.ect,
there is .$st the on)oin) strea# o& e1'erience, 'er&ect%y
c%ear an! %$#ino$s an! o'en" What I a# is no+ e(erythin)
that is arisin)" Re#e#ber that )reat >$ote &ro# Do)en- To
st$!y #ysticis# is to st$!y the se%&, to st$!y the se%& is to
&or)et the se%&, to &or)et the se%& is to be one +ith, an!
en%i)htene! by, a%% thin)s"0
0I !o re#e#ber that, its #y &a(orite" The #ystics
so#eti#es ca%% this $%ti#ate state the One Se%&, or One
Min!, b$t the 'oint is that the Se%& at that 'oint is one
+ith e(erythin), so its rea%%y not a se%& in that sense at
a%%"0
03eah" The rea% se%& is the rea% +or%!, no se'aration, so
so#eti#es the #ystics +i%% a%so say there is no se%&, no
+or%!" B$t thats a%% they #ean, no se'arate se%&, no
se'arate +or%!" Ec*hart ca%%e! it &$sion +itho$t con&$sion"0 I
*ne+ that +or%!, on occasion +e%%, an! yet a%% I co$%! &ee%
no+ +as &$sion +ith con&$sion, a )oo! !e&inition o& bein)
!a#n near n$ts"
I stoo! $' an! t$rne! on the %i)hts" 0Lets eat, honey,
rea%%y"0
Treya +as si%ent, an! the $ns'o*en to'ic &i%%e! the air"
She t$rne! her hea! a+ay, then t$rne! an! %oo*e!
!irect%y at #e" 0I# !eter#ine! not to %et #yse%& or
anyone e%se #a*e #e &ee% )$i%ty or e#barrasse! abo$t
this,0 she &ina%%y sai!"
0I *no+, s+eetie, I *no+"0 I sat !o+n an! '$t #y ar#s
aro$n! her" Treya be)an to cry, (ery >$iet%y" When she
sto''e!, +e both .$st sat there, si%ent%y, not a +or! +as
sai!" I )ot $' an! #a!e s'a)hetti, an! +e ate it on the
'orch, +atchin) the #oon%i)ht '%ay on the s#a%% s%i(er o&
ocean +e co$%! see thro$)h a )a' in the trees"
.
/!y 0i%e 1ad 2wisted Sudden&y/
THE ODARTER DRO7S, c%an*in) into the 'ay 'hone"
My c%ass in 7ro&essiona% Ethics has .$st en!e!, it is
Mon!ay a&ternoon, a s$nny +inter !ay in ear%y
Dece#ber" I *ee' #y #in! b%an* as I care&$%%y !ia% the
n$#ber, Dr" Richar!ss n$#ber, b$t $n!erneath the
b%an*ness I can &ee% the si%ent 0Oh 6o!, oh 6o!, '%ease"0
A%% aro$n! #e 'eo'%e &i%% the ha%%+ay o& the schoo%, so#e
%ea(in) c%asses .$st en!e!, others )atherin) &or the K-HK
c%asses" This 'hone is near the b$siest area, I h$nch
o(er, tryin) to create a cocoon o& 'ri(acy as I %isten to
the 'hone rin)"
0He%%o, Dr" Richar!ss o&&ice"0
0Hi, this is Terry ;i%%a# Wi%ber" Co$%! I s'ea* to Dr"
Richar!s<0 I a%#ost ca%% hi# 7eter, I ne(er *no+ >$ite
+hat to say, Dr" Richar!s is too &or#a%, 7eter a bit too
cas$a% &or o$r 'ro&essiona% &rien!shi'"
0He%%o, Terry" This is Dr" Richar!s" We )ot the res$%ts
o& the test bac* to!ay an!, I# sorry to say, it is cancer" I
!ont >$ite *no+ +hat to #a*e o& it, this is an $n$s$a%
*in! o& rec$rrence, es'ecia%%y since the area +here the
%$#'s a''eare! +as +ithin the &ie%! that +as ra!iate!"
B$t !ont +orry, I! ca%% this on%y a %oca% rec$rrence" We
can ta*e care o& it" When can yo$ co#e in to see #e<0
Oh, he%%" I *ne+ it" Those !a#ne! %itt%e b$#'s, .$st
%i*e #os>$ito bites e1ce't they +erent re! an! they
!i!nt itch" They +ere .$st too o!! an! in too
incri#inatin) a %ocation to be anythin) b$t cancer an! I
*ne+ it, !es'ite 'eo'%es atte#'ts to reass$re #e" I$st
&i(e tiny b$#'s in the s*in, .$st be%o+ the scar &ro# the
t$be that !raine! the area o& the se)#enta%
#astecto#y, the t$be that co%%ecte! %ar)e a#o$nts o&
trans%$cent 'in*ish &%$i! +hi%e #y bo!y +as hea%in), the
t$be that staye! in &or a +ee* a&ter I %e&t the hos'ita% a
year a)o, the t$be that h$rt so #$ch +hen Dr" Richar!s
'$%%e! it o$t" O$ch, I sti%% re#e#ber that" It #$st ha(e
carrie! a &e+ cancer ce%%s on its en! an! %e&t the#
behin! in #y s*in" Cancer, a)ain9 Ro$n! t+o" Why !i!nt
the ra!iation *i%% those ce%%s<
I #a!e an a''oint#ent to see Dr" Richar!s the ne1t
!ay" I +a%*e! o$t o& the b$i%!in) into the s$nshine,
aro$n! the b%oc* to #y car" I )ot in an! !ro(e to a
co$nse%in) a''oint#ent I ha! in a &e+ #in$tes" I
re#e#ber noticin) a nei)hborhoo! )rocery store an! an
a''ea%in) array o& &r$it o$tsi!e +hen I sto''e! at a %i)ht,
the re&rain in #y hea! +as 0rec$rrence, rec$rrence, I(e
ha! a rec$rrence"0 I ha! an o!! &ee%in) o& %oo*in) !o+n
on #yse%& &ro# abo(e the city, !ri(in) a%on) in #y %itt%e
re! car" I ha! a sense that s$!!en%y I +as a !i&&erent
'erson" I +as no %on)er a 'erson +ho! ha! cancer,
e#'hasis on the 'ast tense, I +as a 'erson +ho! ha! a
rec$rrence, an! that '$t #e in a tota%%y !i&&erent )ro$',
!i&&erent 'eers, !i&&erent statistics, a !i&&erent &$t$re
ahea! o& #e, an! o& ;en" My %i&e ha! t+iste! s$!!en%y,
$ne1'ecte!%y" I(e ha! a rec$rrence" I sti%% ha(e cancer"
This is not o(er, not yet"
I 'ar* #y car on a hi%%, care&$%%y t$rnin) the +hee%s
into the c$rb an! settin) the bra*e" This is a nice %itt%e
nei)hborhoo!, t$c*e! a+ay bet+een #a.or streets" I %i*e
the trees, the o!! t+ists in the streets, the 'aste%/
co%ore! ho$ses +ith their s#a%% entrance )ar!ens" My
c%ient, Ii%%, rents a s#a%% a'art#ent in one o& these
ho$ses" Theres so#ethin) es'ecia%%y nice abo$t this
ho$se, abo$t its entrance" Its 'ainte! a %o(e%y sa%#on
'in* an! the arche! !oor+ay +ith a +ro$)ht iron )ate
%ea!s to a tiny co$rtyar! +ith 'otte! '%ants" Its har! to
te%% e1act%y +hat co#bination o& &eat$res #a*es this
ho$se so nice, I a# a%+ays str$c* by it"
Ii%% o'ens the !oor" I &ee% &ine, )%a! I !i! not !eci!e to
cance% the session" It is s$r'risin)%y easy to '$sh #y
'ersona% concerns into the bac*)ro$n! &or an ho$r" In
&act, it &ee%s )oo! to !o so" I &ee% it is a )oo! session, that
I a# $ni#'aire! by the recent ne+s" I +on!er i& I +i%%
e(er te%% Ii%% so#e!ay that .$st be&ore this 'artic$%ar
session I !isco(ere! I sti%% ha! cancer"
Rec$rrence, rec$rrence, I(e ha! a rec$rrence" I !ri(e
to+ar! ho#e in #y %itt%e re! #o$ntain car, t$rn ri)ht on
:Eth Street, thro$)h the t$nne%, besi!e the ar#y ho$ses
+ith their screene!/in 'orches" It is ear%y e(enin), the
ti#e o& transition I %o(e so #$ch, #y &a(orite ti#e to )o
r$nnin), +hen the air is so&t an! the %i)ht chan)es &ro#
#o#ent to #o#ent, the s*y is 'in* a%on) the hori8on,
an! abo(e this ban! o& so&t %i)ht an a>$a b%$e #o(es
into the !ee'er coba%t b%$e o& the a''roachin) ni)ht"
Li)hts be)in to a''ear in ho$ses, in the b$i%!in)s that
are the s*y%ine o& San =rancisco, %i)hts shinin) &ro# the
'aste% b$i%!in)s, %i)hts bri)ht a)ainst the !ee'enin)
ni)ht"
Rec$rrence" I(e ha! a rec$rrence" This re&rain so$n!s
in #y hea! as I !ri(e, sa(orin) the a''roach o& ni)ht,
the chan)in) %i)ht" Rec$rrence" Rec$rrence" It beco#es
a%#ost a #antra as I !ri(e, ha%&/hy'noti8e! by its
re'etition in #y #in!" Rec$rrence" Rec$rrence" I be%ie(e
it, I !ont be%ie(e it" 7erha's this re'etition +i%% con(ince
#e, +i%% a%%o+ #e to acce't +hat I !o not +ant to acce't,
+hat I !o not +ant to be%ie(e" The re'etition too is a
!e&ense, I !o not +ant to thin* o& +hat this #eans"
Rec$rrence" D' $nti% no+ so#ethin) I(e on%y rea! abo$t
in #e!ica% .o$rna%s, hear! &ro# #y !octors" D' $nti% no+
so#ethin) that ha! not to$che! #e" No+, here it is" A
'art o& #y %i&e" A sha'er o& #y %i&e to co#e" So#ethin) I
#$st !ea% +ith"
Da#n %itt%e b$#'s" I !isco(ere! the# on a
We!nes!ay The !ay be&ore Than*s)i(in)" A%#ost a year
e1act%y since o$r +e!!in)" We ce%ebrate! Than*s)i(in)
+ith #y sister ;ati, +ho &%e+ $' &ro# L"A" On =ri!ay ;en
too* #e to the e#er)ency roo# at B-00 A"M", ;ati a%on)
&or s$''ort" I %ay there 're''e! an! +aitin), a%one +ith
#y tho$)hts an! &ears" Dr" Richar!s arri(e! 2 ho+ nice
to ha(e a !octor yo$ %i*e an! tr$st 2 an! the 'roce!$re
+as o(er in a &e+ #in$tes" Soon I +as +a%*in) !o+n
Dnion Street +ith ;en an! ;ati, !oin) o$r Christ#as
sho''in) to)ether, a &e+ ne+ stitches in #y si!e an!
instr$ctions to ca%% on Mon!ay &or the res$%ts" Christ#as
a%% aro$n! $s, one o& the b$siest sho''in) !ays o& the
year, e1cite#ent, antici'ation, an! #e thin*in) o& the
'ain in #y si!e"
A >$estion no+ ans+ere!, I thin*, )$i!in) #y %itt%e
re! car aro$n! the c$r(es o& Star Ro$te :, a #e!itation
itse%&, this sin$o$s )%i!e !o+n to the sea, to the 7aci&ic"
Ni)ht ha! a%#ost sett%e!" A &aint )%o+ a%on) the hori8on,
the s+ee' o& the 7aci&ic Ocean s'rea! be&ore #e,
&%an*e! by hi%%s on either si!e, #y ho#e a#on) the
%i)hts scattere! to the %e&t, #y h$sban! +aitin) &or the
ne+s I bear, his ar#s rea!y to en&o%! #e"
Th$s be)an +hat I ca#e to thin* o& as 0Ro$n! T+o"0
The b%a!e I ha! &or so %on) i#a)ine! 'oise! abo(e #e,
that o#ino$s threat o& rec$rrence, ha! !ro''e!" ;en an!
I co#&orte! each other" I crie!" We ca%%e! #y 'arents"
We ca%%e! ;ens 'arents" We ca%%e! Dr" Richar!s" We
ca%%e! Dr" Cantri%" We ca%%e! M" D" An!erson" A stran)e
*in! o& rec$rrence, e(eryone a)ree!" A rec$rrence, b$t
+ithin the ra!iate! area" Dr" Cantri% chec*e! that, yes,
!e&inite%y +ithin the ra!iate! area" I ha! r$ine! his
recor! o& no rec$rrences, it see#e!" No one >$ite
$n!erstoo! ho+ this co$%! ha(e ha''ene!" We ca%%e!
e1'erts in other 'arts o& the co$ntry" A stran)e case,
they a%% a)ree!" 7robab%y on%y a KQ chance o& so#ethin)
%i*e this ha''enin)" I i#a)ine! the statistica% e1'ert on
the other en! o& the 'hone %ine stretche! across the
co$ntry scratchin) his hea!, '$88%e!" E(eryone see#e!
'$88%e!" A !i&&ic$%t sit$ation to inter'ret" Was this a %oca%
rec$rrence, treatab%e by s$r)ery< Or a si)n o&
!isse#inate! F#etastaticG !isease, +hich +o$%! re>$ire
che#othera'y< A stran)e sit$ation" No one ha! seen a
case >$ite %i*e this"
No one co$%! say ho+ it ha''ene!" 0Co$%! it be,0 I
as*e! Dr" Richar!s, ;en %oo*in) on +ith a (ery intense
e1'ression, 0that so#e cancer ce%%s &ro# the t$#or )ot
ca$)ht on the en! o& the !raina)e t$be an!, +hen it +as
'$%%e! o$t, ca$)ht in the s*in an! )ot %e&t behin!<0 03es,0
he sai!, 0that #$st be +hat ha''ene!, one or t+o ce%%s
+ere %e&t behin!"0 0Not one or t+o,0 I re#in!e! hi#" 0It
+as at %east &i(e ce%%s an! 'robab%y #ore, beca$se so#e
+ere *i%%e! by the ra!iation"0 I co$%! te%% he &e%t ba!
abo$t the sit$ation"
E(en as others co##ente! on the o!!ity o& the
rec$rrence, they reass$re! #e o& their co#'%ete
con&i!ence in both Dr" Richar!s an! Dr" Cantri%" I
be%ie(e! the#" I ha! co#'%ete con&i!ence in the# too"
Whate(er ha! ha''ene! +as .$st the sort o& thin) that
+as bo$n! to ha''en so#eti#es" I .$st ha''ene! to be
the 'erson %yin) on that 'artic$%ar tab%e on that
'artic$%ar !ay +hen the o!!s ca$)ht $' +ith the
s$r)eons"
;en an! I #eet +ith Dr" Richar!s" My o'tions< 4:5 A
#astecto#y" 4Sho$%! I ha(e ha! that in the &irst '%ace< I&
I ha! !one that 'erha's none o& this +o$%! be ha''enin)
no+"5 425 Ree1cision o& the t$#or site, the !raina)e area,
an! the area +here the b$#'s a''eare!, i& #ore cancer
ce%%s +ere &o$n! in this tiss$e, 'erha's so#e #ore
ra!iation to the area" That ha! its !ra+bac*s, ho+e(er,
beca$se o& the ra!iation I ha! a%rea!y recei(e!" There
+as no +ay o& 're!ictin) ho+ the tiss$e +o$%! react to
#ore ra!iation" 4C5 E1cision o& the area aro$n! the
!raina)e t$be e1it an!, since +e co$%! not *no+ &or s$re
i& there +ere #ore ce%%s %e&t behin! in the breast, #ore
ra!iation to the breast" A)ain, this ha! !ra+bac*s
beca$se o& the 're(io$s ra!iation !ose" In a!!ition, since
these ce%%s +ere not *i%%e! by ra!iation, there +as a
'ossibi%ity that any other ce%%s that #i)ht sti%% be in the
breast +ere a%so resistant to ra!iation"
It see#e! 'retty c%ear to #e" There +as no +ay to
*no+ i& there +ere #ore cancer ce%%s a%on) the 'ath o&
the !raina)e t$be or +ithin the breast, i& there +ere they
#i)ht a%so be resistant to ra!iation, #y breast tiss$e
#i)ht be !a#a)e! by #ore ra!iation any+ay" A
#astecto#y see#e! the on%y choice" I +as too
&ri)htene! to ta*e the ris* o& %ea(in) #ore o& these
)ra!e &o$r cancer ce%%s insi!e #y bo!y"
Treya an! I +ere sti%% intensi(e%y in(esti)atin) 4an!
'racticin)5 a%ternati(e an! ho%istic treat#ents, as I +i%%
short%y e1'%ain" B$t the 'rob%e#, a)ain, +as the (icio$sness
o& the )ra!e &o$r ce%%s &o$n! in her bo!y" There +as sti%% no
cre!ib%e e(i!ence +hatsoe(er that any a%ternati(e
treat#ent ha! a si)ni&icant%y hi)her c$re rate a)ainst )ra!e
&o$r ce%%s than ran!o# or s'ontaneo$s re#issions 2 no
hi)her, in other +or!s, than chance" I thin* i& Treya ha!
e(en a )ra!e three t$#or 2 an! certain%y a )ra!e one or
t+o 2 she +o$%! ha(e o'te! #$ch #ore hea(i%y &or
a%ternati(e treat#ents an! by'asse! so#e 4b$t by no
#eans a%%5 o& +hite #ans #e!icine" B$t the sheer
(icio$sness o& the t$#or bro$)ht her bac* a)ain, an! yet
a)ain, to the one #e!icine ca'ab%e o& bein) .$st as (icio$s"
0Iron Mai!en !oesnt &it< Not to +orry, 'retty %itt%e %a!y" We
can a%+ays &in! so#ethin) s'ecia% .$st &or yo$" No+ yo$ .$st
+ait ri)ht here"0
;en an! I chec* into Chi%!rens Hos'ita%" It is
Dece#ber M, :EBH" My s$r)ery +i%% ta*e '%ace on
Dece#ber @ 2 07ear% Harbor Day,0 ;en #$tters to no one
in 'artic$%ar 2 a year an! a !ay a&ter #y &irst s$r)ery"
Chi%!rens is a%% too &a#i%iar" I re#e#ber too +e%% co#in)
here e(ery !ay &or &i(e an! a ha%& +ee*s &or ra!iation
treat#ents" Co#in) e(ery #onth a&ter that &or &o%%o+/$'"
Co#in) on%y !ays a)o to ha(e the b$#'s re#o(e!"
I re#e#ber ho+ #y c%othes +ere %ost %ast year, ho+
they +ere &o$n! an! ret$rne! to #e t+o #onths %ater" I
ta*e that as an o#en" This ti#e I ha(e bro$)ht c%othes I
inten! to %ea(e behin!, .$st as I inten! to %ea(e the
cancer behin!" E(erythin) I +ear into this hos'ita% I +i%%
%ea(e behin!, e(en #y shoes, #y $n!er+ear, an!
earrin)s" In a &e+ !ays #ost o& #y $n!er+ear +ont &it
#e any+ay, not the bras" At the sa#e ti#e that Dr"
Richar!s is re#o(in) #y ri)ht breast, Dr" Har(ey +i%% be
re!$cin) #y %e&t breast in si8e" It see#s ti#e &or that,
&ina%%y" I co$%! not i#a)ine )oin) thro$)h %i&e +ith one
breast a si8e CHDD, i#a)ine the si8e o& the 'rosthesis I
+o$%! nee!" I#a)ine ho+ %o'si!e! I +o$%! &ee%" T+o si8e
CHDD breasts +ere 'rob%e# eno$)h, one +o$%! be an
e(en )reater 'rob%e#"
When I &ina%%y as* ;en +hat he thin*s abo$t #y %osin)
a breast, he is )reat abo$t it, tho$)h it cant be easy &or
hi# either" 0S+eetheart, o& co$rse I# )oin) to #iss yo$r
breast" B$t that !oesnt #atter" Its yo$ I# in %o(e +ith,
not so#e bo!y 'art" This !oesnt chan)e a !a#n thin)"0
He is so ob(io$s%y sincere abo$t it, it #a*es #e &ee%
+on!er&$%"
Mo# an! Da! ha(e &%o+n in &ro# Te1as &or the
o'eration, as they !i! %ast ti#e" I trie! to te%% the# it +as
$nnecessary, b$t in tr$th I a# )%a! to ha(e the# here" I
a%+ays &ee% #ore ho'e&$% +ith #y 'arents aro$n!, #ore
o'ti#istic that thin)s +i%% t$rn o$t +e%%" I a# )%a! I ha(e
a bi) &a#i%y" I a%+ays !e%i)ht in #y &a#i%y, in s'en!in)
ti#e +ith the#, +ith any one o& the#" I a# )%a! I ha(e
been ab%e to en%ar)e ;ens &a#i%y +ith 'eo'%e he, too,
tr$%y en.oys"
;en an! I #o(e into o$r roo#" One %i*e a%% the others,
+hite +a%%s, the a!.$stab%e be!, the te%e(ision han)in)
&ro# the +a%% abo(e, the b%oo! 'ress$re e>$i'#ent
han)in) &ro# the +a%% behin!, the c%oset to one si!e 4the
c%oset +here I inten! to %ea(e #y c%othes5, the +hite
bathroo#, the +in!o+ %oo*in) o$t across the co$rtyar!
to roo#s on the other si!e" Once a)ain, ;en )ets a cot,
he +i%% stay +ith #e"
;en an! I sit !o+n, an! ho%! han!s %i)ht%y" He can te%%
+hat I# sti%% thin*in), +hat I# sti%% +orrie! abo$t" Wi%% I
be attracti(e to hi#< When I# !e&or#e!, scarre!<
Lo'si!e!< He has to +a%* s$ch a &ine %ine bet+een tryin)
to sy#'athi8e +ith #e an! tryin) to cheer #e $'" The
sa#e o%! !o$b%e bin! 2 I +ant hi# to sy#'athi8e +ith
the %oss o& #y breast b$t i& he !oes so it +i%% see# he
rea%%y re)rets it an! !oesnt +ant #e +itho$t it9 Hes
a%rea!y reass$re! #e so #$ch, this ti#e he si!este's it
+ith h$#or" 0I rea%%y !ont #in!, honey" The +ay I %oo* at
it is, e(ery #an is )i(en so #any breast/inches 'er
%i&eti#e that hes a%%o+e! to )ro'e his +ay thro$)h" In
.$st one year +ith yo$r !o$b%e/Ds, I(e a%rea!y $se! $'
#y >$ota"0 In the tension o& the sit$ation, +e both start
%a$)hin) hysterica%%y" ;en )oes on %i*e this &or &i&teen
#in$tes, e(erythin) &ro# the s$b%i#e to the cr$!e"
0Wo$%!nt yo$ *no+ it, I# an ass #an, #yse%&" As %on)
as they !ont &i)$re o$t ho+ to )i(e r$#'ecto#ies in this
'%ace, +e(e )ot it #a!e"0 Tears are r$nnin) !o+n o$r
&aces" B$t thats sort o& the +ay it is +ith cancer- %a$)h
so har! yo$ cry, cry so har! yo$ %a$)h"
I $n'ac*, arran)in) a%% the be%on)in)s I +i%% %ea(e
behin!, ste''in) &ro# the# into a +hite )o+n, ho'e&$%
that I a# thereby #o(in) to+ar! hea%th an! a+ay &ro#
this cancer" I co$%! a%#ost 'er&or# a rit$a% o& so#e sort,
say so#e incantation, +a(e a cross aro$n! the roo#,
+hate(er, anythin) that +i%% he%'" Instea! I *ee' the
rit$a% insi!e, say #y 'rayers interna%%y"
My b%oo! 'ress$re is ta*en, >$estions as*e! an!
ans+ere!" The anesthesio%o)ist chec*s in to say he%%o
an! e1'%ain the 'roce!$re" I ass$#e it +i%% be the sa#e
as %ast ti#e an!, since I ha! no tro$b%e then, !o not
+orry" Dr" Richar!s chec*s in" The 'roce!$re is si#'%e, a
si#'%e #astecto#y Fas o''ose! to a ra!ica% or #o!i&ie!
ra!ica% #astecto#y, +here #$ch $n!er%yin) #$sc%e
tiss$e is a%so re#o(e!G" S$r)ica%%y, the o'eration I ha!
%ast year +as #ore !i&&ic$%t an! re>$ire! a %on)er
reco(ery ti#e beca$se o& the re#o(a% o& the %y#'h
no!es" I te%% Dr" Richar!s, 0I ta%*e! to M" D" An!erson
abo$t the rec$rrence, an! they a%% see#e! to &ee% it +as
an $n$s$a% *in! o& rec$rrence, b$t that this *in! o& thin)
!oes ha''en on occasion"0 03es,0 Dr" Richar!s says" 0B$t
I# certain theyre each )%a! it !i!nt ha''en to the#"0 I
a''reciate his bein) honest eno$)h to sho+ #e e(en
this #$ch o& ho+ ba! he &ee%s" I re#e#ber to +ei)h
#yse%&" A%% #y %i&e I(e +on!ere! ho+ #$ch #y breasts
+ei)h 2 an o!! +ay to &in! o$t9
Dr" Har(ey arri(es" We ha(e not ha! a chance to
!isc$ss this sc$%'tin) o& #y re#ainin) breast yet" He
brin)s 'ict$res o& breast re!$ctions he has !one" I %oo*
thro$)h the#, tryin) to &in! a sha'e I thin* a''ro'riate
&or #e" I +ish he !i! not ha(e to #o(e the ni''%e $',
since I *no+ that +i%% re!$ce sensation" A''arent%y it has
to be !one, b$t it can be !one in #y case, since #y
breasts !o not sa) #$ch, +itho$t se(erin) the
connection to the #i%* !$cts" The breast +i%% sti%% be
&$nctiona%, i& I sho$%! e(er ha(e a chi%!" I a%rea!y
$n!erstan! the 'roce!$re, +here the incisions are
#a!e, +hat is re#o(e!, ho+ the s*in is se+n bac*
to)ether to #a*e a s#a%%er breast" Dr" Har(ey #eas$res
an! #ar*s #y breast" He #eas$res an! #ar*s the
circ$#&erence o& the ni''%e, he #eas$res an! #ar*s the
inch that the ni''%e +i%% be #o(e! $', he #eas$res an!
#ar*s +here the incisions +i%% be #a!e an! +hat s*in
+i%% be re#o(e!"
Soon a&ter Dr" Har(ey %ea(es, #y 'arents co#e in" I
sho+ the# the #ar*s an! e1'%ain the 'roce!$re" I a#
(ery #atter/o&/&act abo$t it, b$t a%so a+are that this is
'robab%y the &irst ti#e #y &ather has e(er seen #y
breasts" An!, o& co$rse, the %ast ti#e he or anyone e%se
+i%% see the# as they are toni)ht9
;en cra+%s in #y be! an! +e sn$))%e" He stays there
as (ario$s 'ersonne% cra+% o(er $s" Neither the n$rses
nor the !octors co#'%ain" 03o$ )et a+ay +ith #$r!er in
these hos'ita%s, yo$ *no+ that<0 I say" ;en #a*es a
&ierce &ace 2 0Its beca$se I# one to$)h #acho ani#a%,0
he says" 0Its beca$se yo$ s#i%e bea#in)%y at e(eryone
+ho co#es in an! yo$ )et &%o+ers &or a%% the n$rses,0 I
'oint o$t" We %a$)h, b$t #ost%y I &ee% a *in! o& sa!ness,
sa!ness I thin* &or a breast I a# abo$t to %ose"
It is #ornin), ear%y" I s$''ose I s%e't" I a# #$ch %ess
a&rai! this ti#e" I ha(e #$ch #ore e>$ani#ity, no !o$bt
!$e to #e!itation" An! cancer has beco#e a &act o& %i&e
!$rin) this 'ast year, a constant co#'anion" I a# a+are,
too, o& the e&&ort I '$t into )ettin) thro$)h this, into
s$s'en!in) #y !o$bts, #y >$estions, #y &ears, #y
tho$)hts o& the &$t$re" I intentiona%%y '$t b%in!ers on, I
%oo* on%y strai)ht ahea!, I i)nore the 'aths to #y ri)ht
an! #y %e&t, the roa!s not ta*en" The research is !one,
the !ecisions #a!e" No+ is not the ti#e &or >$estions"
No+ is the ti#e to )et thro$)h +hat %ies ahea!" I a#
a+are that I ha(e t$rne! o&& 'arts o& #yse%& to !o this" I
ha(e t$rne! o&& #y +orrier, #y >$estioner" I &ee% re%a1e!
an! con&i!ent" ;en ho%!s #y han!, Mo# an! Da! +ait
+ith $s" Once a)ain, %i*e %ast year, the s$r)ery is
!e%aye!" I thin* o& a%% the s$r)eons b$si%y at +or*, both
here in Chi%!rens an! e%se+here aro$n! the co$ntry,
aro$n! the +or%!" O& the resi!ents, the n$rses, the
hos'ita% s$''ort 'ersonne%, the too%s an! e>$i'#ent an!
co#'%icate! #achines, a%% a%i)ne! to co#bat !isease"
The Aa%i$# an! De#ero% are startin) to ta*e ho%!" They
+hee% #e into the s$r)ery"
I !ont *no+ +hy, b$t I !i!nt +ant Treya to see #e cry"
I# not asha#e! o& cryin), its .$st that, &or so#e reason, at
that 'artic$%ar 'oint I !i!nt +ant anybody to see #e cry"
7erha's I +as a&rai! that i& I starte! cryin) I +o$%! brea*
!o+n co#'%ete%y" 7erha's I +as a&rai! to be +ea* at this
'oint +here #y stren)th +as nee!e!" I &o$n! an e#'ty
roo#, c%ose! the !oor, sat !o+n, an! starte! cryin)" It
&ina%%y !a+ne! on #e- I a# not cryin) beca$se I 'ity Treya
or &ee% sorry &or her, I a# cryin) beca$se I a!#ire her
bra(ery so #$ch" She si#'%y #arches thro$)h this, re&$sin)
to %et it )et her !o+n, an! her co$ra)e in the &ace o& this
!e#eanin), sense%ess, &$c*in) cr$e%ty #a*es #e cry"
When I +a*e $' I a# bac* in #y roo#" ;en s#i%es at
#e" S$n%i)ht co#es thro$)h the +in!o+ an! I can see
'aste% ho$ses on the San =rancisco hi%%s beyon!" ;en
ho%!s #y han!" I raise #y other han! to #y ri)ht chest"
Ban!a)es" Nothin) $n!er the ban!a)es" I a# a)ain &%at/
cheste! as I +as as a chi%!" I breathe in !ee'%y" It is
!one" No t$rnin) bac*" A 'an) o& &ear, o& !o$bt shoots
thro$)h #e" Sho$%! I ha(e trie! to *ee' #y breast,
ris*e! .$st ha(in) the area resecte!< Has #y &ear
'$she! #e into so#ethin) $nnecessary< The >$estions I
+o$%! not a%%o+ %ast ni)ht or this #ornin) r$sh in" Was
this necessary< Di! I !o the ri)ht thin)< No #atter" It is
!one"
I %oo* $' at ;en" I can &ee% #y %i' >$i(erin), #y eyes
be)in to +ater" He reaches !o+n to ho%! #e, a care&$%
e#brace since ban!a)es co(er stitches on%y ho$rs o%! a%%
o(er #y chest" 0S+eetheart, I# so sorry, I# so sorry,0
+e say to each other"
Later that a&ternoon #y sister ;ati arri(es &ro# L"A" It
&ee%s )oo! to ha(e the roo# &i%%e! +ith &a#i%y, +ith
s$''ort" It #$st be !i&&ic$%t &or the#, it is so har! to
*no+ +hat yo$ can !o to he%' at ti#es %i*e this" Theres
not #$ch to !o, rea%%y, I .$st %i*e ha(in) the# a%% aro$n!
#e, I %i*e ha(in) the# here" Then Da!!y as*s e(eryone
to %ea(e, he +ants to ta%* to ;en an! #e" Dear Da!!y,
he is (ery serio$s, he ta*es these thin)s har!, he +orries
so #$ch abo$t the 'eo'%e c%ose to hi#" I re#e#ber hi#
'acin) the hos'ita% corri!or +hen Mother ha! her
o'eration &i&teen years a)o, %ines o& +orry creasin) his
&ace, his hair t$rnin) )rayer a%#ost be&ore o$r eyes" This
ti#e, he t$rns to ;en an! #e an! says, +ith )reat
e#otion, 0These ti#es I *no+ are (ery !i&&ic$%t &or yo$"
B$t yo$ can )i(e than*s &or one b%essin), that yo$ ha(e
each other an! that, no+ es'ecia%%y, yo$ *no+ ho+ (ery
#$ch yo$ #ean to each other"0 I co$%! see the tears
&or#in) in his eyes as he t$rne! to +a%* o$t, I# s$re he
!i!nt +ant $s to see hi# cry" ;en, (ery #o(e!, +ent to
the !oor an! +atche! #y &ather +a%* !o+n the hos'ita%
corri!or, hea! bo+e!, han!s c%as'e! behin! hi#, not
%oo*in) bac*" I %o(e ho+ #$ch he %o(es #y &ather"
, fling open the door3 , am #ery angry3 There is nobody
there3 5, suppose if , say 'Who's there6' it's not going to
matter, right6 (hrist35
, lea#e the door open and, %ith my left hand, begin to
follo% the %all bac! to%ard the hall%ays leading off the
main room3 There are fi#e rooms bac! there; Treya must be
in one of them3 *s , trace my %ay bac!, , notice the %all has
a strange, almost moist, feel to it3 , !eep thin!ing, is this
trip really necessary6
;en an! I +a%* $' an! !o+n the %on) ha%%+ays, once
in the #ornin) an! once in the a&ternoon" I %i*e this +a%*"
I es'ecia%%y %i*e +a%*in) by the roo# +here the tiny
babies are" I %i*e %oo*in) at the %itt%e ones, +ra''e! in
their b%an*ets, at their tiny &aces an! c%enche! &ists an!
c%ose! eyes" I +orry abo$t the#, too" These are the
're#at$re babies, an! so#e o& the# are in inc$bators"
Sti%%, it #a*es #e ha''y to see the#, to sto' an! +atch
the#, to i#a)ine their 'arents an! their &$t$res"
Later +e !isco(er that a &rien! is in the hos'ita%"
D$%ce M$r'hy is se(en #onths 're)nant an! +as #o(e!
into the hos'ita% +hen she be)an b%ee!in)" ;en an! I )o
to (isit her" She is ha''y, con&i!ent, b$t hoo*e! $' to a
#achine that #onitors her heartbeat an! that o& the
baby an! to%! to %ie &%at on her bac*" She is )i(en
#e!ications to sto' a #iscarria)e, this #e!icine $s$a%%y
raises the #others heartbeat b$t since she is a
#arathon r$nner it on%y raises her heartbeat into the
nor#a% ran)e" Her h$sban!, Michae% M$r'hy, is there"
Michae%, the co&o$n!er o& Esa%en Instit$te, is an o%!
&rien! o& ;ens, an! #ine, an! +e a%% !rin* cha#'a)ne
to)ether an! ta%* e1cite!%y abo$t the baby"
That ni)ht ;en has a !rea# abo$t this baby, +ho,
thro$)ho$t the 're)nancy, ha! see#e! a#bi(a%ent
abo$t bein) born" He !rea#s he sees hi# in the bar!o
rea%#, the rea%# that so$%s inhabit be&ore they are born"
He as*s hi#, 0Mac, +hy !ont yo$ +ant to be born< Why
are yo$ re%$ctant<0 Mac re'%ies that he %i*es it here in
the bar!o, he #ay +ant to stay here" ;en te%%s hi# thats
not 'ossib%e, the bar!o rea%# is nice b$t yo$re not
#eant to stay there" I& yo$ try to, it +ont be so nice
any#ore" Its 'robab%y best that yo$ choose to co#e to
earth, to be born" Besi!es, ;en says, there are a %ot o&
'eo'%e !o+n here +ho %o(e yo$ an! +ant yo$ to be
born" Mac ans+ers, 0I& so #any 'eo'%e %o(e #e, then
+here is #y te!!y bear<0
The ne1t !ay +e )o to (isit the# a)ain" ;en brin)s a
te!!y bear" It has a tartan '%ai! nec*tie, &or 0Mac
M$r'hy"0 ;en %eans o(er an! says in a %o$! (oice to
D$*es sto#ach, 03o, Mac " " " te!!y bear"0 This t$rns o$t
to be the &irst o& #any, #any tartan te!!y bears to be
)i(en to Mac, +ho arri(es three +ee*s %ater, 'er&ect%y
hea%thy an! +ith no nee! &or an inc$bator"
A&ter three !ays in the hos'ita%, Treya an! I ret$rne! to
M$ir Beach" The !octors see#e! &air%y $nani#o$s- the
rec$rrence +as a%#ost certain%y in the breast tiss$e on%y,
an! not in the chest +a%%" The !istinction +as cr$cia%- i& it
+ere a %oca% rec$rrence, then the cancer +o$%! be con&ine!
to the sa#e ty'e o& tiss$e 4breast5" I&, ho+e(er, it ha!
.$#'e! to the chest +a%%, that #eant the cancer ha!
0%earne!0 ho+ to in(a!e a !i&&erent ty'e o& tiss$e 2 it +o$%!
no+ be #etastatic cancer" An! once breast cancer %earns
ho+ to .$#' to a !i&&erent tiss$e, it #ay (ery >$ic*%y in(a!e
%$n), bone, an! brain"
I& Treyas rec$rrence +as %oca%, then she ha! a%rea!y
ta*en the necessary co$rse o& action- re#o(e the rest o&
the %oca% tiss$e" No other &o%%o+/$' 2 no ra!iation, no
che#othera'y 2 +o$%! be nee!e! or reco##en!e!" I&,
ho+e(er, the rec$rrence +as in the chest +a%%, that #eant
Treya +o$%! ha(e a sta)e &o$r, )ra!e &o$r cancer,
abso%$te%y the +orst !ia)nosis one can recei(e" 4The
0sta)e0 o& a cancer is !eter#ine! by the si8e an! s'rea! o&
the t$#or 2 &ro# sta)e one, +hich is %ess than a centi#eter,
to sta)e &o$r, +hich is s'rea! thro$)ho$t the bo!y" The
0)ra!e0 o& a cancer re'resents ho+ #ean it is, &ro# )ra!e
one to )ra!e &o$r" Treyas ori)ina% t$#or +as sta)e t+o,
)ra!e &o$r" A chest +a%% rec$rrence +o$%! be sta)e &o$r,
)ra!e &o$r"5 Were this the case, e1tre#e%y a))ressi(e
che#othera'y +o$%! be the on%y co$rse reco##en!e! to
$s"
Dr" Richar!s an! Dr" Cantri% thin* that the cancer is
no+ )one, that s$r)ery re#o(e! it" Neither reco##en!s
che#othera'y" Dr" Richar!s says e(en i& there are any
re#ainin) ce%%s hes not s$re the che#othera'y +o$%!
)et the#, it co$%! #iss the# +hi%e hittin) #y sto#ach
%inin), #y hair, #y b%oo! ce%%s" I te%% hi# that ;en an! I
are '%annin) to )o to San Die)o to the Li(in)ston/
Whee%er C%inic, +here they s'ecia%i8e in boostin) the
i##$ne syste#" He &ee%s that the i##$nothera'y
'ro)ra# is &ine i& thats +hat I choose, b$t he !oesnt '$t
#$ch &aith in it" He says it !oesnt he%' to )$n a car
thats on%y r$nnin) on se(en cy%in!ers, that +ont #a*e
the ei)hth cy%in!er start +or*in)" My i##$ne syste# is
#issin) the ei)hth cy%in!er, beca$se it has a%rea!y &ai%e!
t+ice to reco)ni8e this 'artic$%ar cancer, so re((in) $'
the other se(en cy%in!ers #ay he%' a %ot o& other thin)s,
b$t 'robab%y not the cancer" B$t it certain%y +ont h$rt,
he says" I '%an to !o it, I *no+ I nee! to !o so#ethin), to
&ee% I can he%' #y reco(ery in so#e +ay" I cant .$st sit
bac* no+" I *no+ #yse%& too +e%%, I +o$%! on%y +orry" I
#$st !o so#ethin)" At this 'oint Western #e!icine
%ea(es #e on #y o+n"
A &e+ !ays %ater +e ret$rne! to Chi%!rens to ha(e the
ban!a)es re#o(e!" Treyas e>$ani#ity re#aine! &ir#%y in
'%ace" Her a%#ost tota% %ac* o& (anity or se%&/conscio$sness
or se%&/'ity +as si#'%y astonishin)" I re#e#ber thin*in),
03o$re a better #an than I, 6$n)a Din"0
Dr" R too* o&& the ban!a)es an! too* o$t the sta'%es
F$se! as stitchesG an! I )ot to see it 2 hea%in) +e%% b$t
sti%% (ery $'settin), to %oo* !o+n an! see #y sto#ach
an! this $)%y %ine s+e%%in) at both en!s 2 crie! in ;ens
ar#s" B$t +hats !one is !one, +hat is, is" Ianice ca%%e!,
sai!, 0I thin* I +as #ore $'set o(er yo$r %osin) yo$r
breast than yo$ +ere, yo$ +ere so ca%#"0 The !ay
be&ore, I sai! to ;en either %osin) a breast is no h$)e
!ea% or it hasnt hit #e yet" 7robab%y both are tr$e" I
&ina%%y to%! ;en, as %on) as I !ont ha(e to %oo* at it too
#$ch, I thin* I%% be O;"
Treya an! I be)an to e1'an! an! intensi&y the
a%ternati(e an! ho%istic treat#ents that she ha! been
'$rs$in) &or the 'ast year" The basic 0core c$rric$%$#0 +as
&air%y strai)ht&or+ar!-
:" Care&$% !iet 2 #ost%y %acto(e)etarian, %o+ &at, hi)h
carbohy!rate, as #$ch ra+ as 'ossib%e, no socia% !r$)s o&
any sort
2" Dai%y #e)a(ita#in thera'y 2 +ith e#'hasis on the
antio1i!ants A, E, C, B:, BK, BM, the #inera%s 8inc an!
se%eni$#, the a#ino aci!s cysteine an! #ethionine
C" Me!itation 2 !ai%y in the #ornin), o&ten in the
a&ternoon as +e%%
H" Ais$a%i8ation an! a&&ir#ations 2 (arie! !ai%y
K" Io$rna% *ee'in) 2 inc%$!in) a !rea# .o$rna% an! a
!ai%y %o)
M" E1ercise 2 .o))in) or +a%*in)
To that core c$rric$%$# +e +o$%! a!!, on !i&&erent
occasions, (ario$s e%ecti(es or a!.$(ant treat#ents" At this
'oint +e +ere %oo*in) care&$%%y at the Hi''ocrates Instit$te
in Boston, at #acrobiotics, an! at Li(in)ston/Whee%er in San
Die)o" The Air)inia Li(in)ston/Whee%er Instit$te o&&ere! a
co#'rehensi(e co$rse o& treat#ent base! on Dr"
Li(in)ston/Whee%ers be%ie& that a 'artic$%ar (ir$s +as
behin! a%% &or#s o& cancer, since this (ir$s can in &act be
&o$n! in #ost t$#ors" They 're'are! a (accine a)ainst this
(ir$s an! then a!#inistere! it to yo$, a%on) +ith a ri)oro$s
!ietary 'ro)ra#" =ro# the a(ai%ab%e e(i!ence it +as 'retty
c%ear to #e that this (ir$s +as not the ca$se o& cancer, an!
that it a''eare! in t$#ors as a sca(en)er or 'arasite, not a
ca$se" B$t c%earin) o$t the sca(en)ers co$%!nt h$rt, so I
+as #ore than +i%%in) to s$''ort Treya in her !ecision to )o
to this c%inic"
An! so once a)ain thin)s be)an to %oo* (ery bri)ht &or
Treya an! #e" We, a%on) +ith o$r !octors, ha! e(ery
reason to be%ie(e that the cancer +as behin! $s" O$r Tahoe
ho$se +as a%#ost rea!y" We +ere #a!%y in %o(e"
Christ#as in Te1as" Once a)ain, I a# reco(erin) &ro#
s$r)ery &or cancer" It &ee%s a bit eerie to )o thro$)h this
t+ice at e1act%y the sa#e ti#e o& the year" This
Christ#as is easier, tho$)h" ;en an! I ha(e been
#arrie! a year, an o%! #arrie! co$'%e by no+" An!
cancer has been +ith $s &or a year, by no+ +e *no+ a
)reat !ea% abo$t it" No #ore s$r'rises, I ho'e" We ha(e
sai%e! thro$)h the s$r)ery an! are &ee%in) )oo! abo$t
%i&e" I$st be&ore Christ#as +e +ent !o+n to San Die)o to
the Li(in)ston/Whee%er C%inic" We '%an to ret$rn in
Ian$ary to !o the i##$nothera'y 'ro)ra# an! &o%%o+
the !iet they a!(ocate" We %i*e! the &ee%in) there,
&o%*sy, co#&ortab%e" This is o$r '%an, to &o%%o+ $' the
s$r)ery +ith i##$nothera'y, !iet, (is$a%i8ation, an!
#e!itation" I a# e1cite! abo$t this" ;en .o*in)%y ca%%s it
=$n +ith Cancer" B$t it !e&inite%y &ee%s %i*e a 'ositi(e
ste' into the &$t$re" We care&$%%y e1'%ain this '%an to
each #e#ber o& the &a#i%y, an! they a%% &ee% )oo! abo$t
#y choices"
3es, this !oes &ee% %i*e an e1citin) ti#e ahea!" =ee%in)
%i*e %ast year +as #y e1istentia% year, this year to co#e
#ore transcen!enta%" Is it too bo%! to &orete%% a year o&
trans&or#ation< Last year I con&ronte! !eath, %ast year I
+as a&rai!, %ast year I +orrie! )reat%y, %ast year I +as on
the !e&ensi(e" A%% o& this, e(en tho$)h #y #ain #e#ory
is o& bein) ha''y in #y #arria)e" B$t no+, as this ne1t
year 're'ares to be)in, +ith #y secon! o'eration b$t
t+o +ee*s behin! #e, I &ee% !i&&erent" It be)an +ith the
&ee%in) that #y +ay o& )oin) abo$t #a*in) !ecisions +as
too har! on #e, the insi)ht that #y e)os nee! &or
contro% +as a #a.or &actor in the +ear an! tear I!
e1'erience!" Th$s %ea!in) to the !ecision that I +ante!
to %et )o an! %et 6o! #ore" The e)os year +as one o&
&ear an! in!ecision an! &acin) the abyss o& !eath" The
year I be%ie(e is ahea! o& #e, the year o& %earnin) abo$t
s$rren!er an! tr$e acce'tance, brin)s a sense o& 'eace
an! c$riosity an! !isco(eries/to/co#e"
A ti#e o& !isco(ery an! o'enness, !e!icate! to
hea%in)" No )ettin) on #y o+n bac* &or not 0!oin)/in/
the/+or%!"0 An a!.$(ant 'ro)ra# that !oes not co#e
&ro# &ear or create &ear, b$t co#es &ro# tr$st an! brin)s
+ith it a sense o& !isco(ery an! e1cite#ent an! )ro+th"
7ossib%e beca$se o& a !ee'er an! !ee'er sense that
so#eho+ %i&e an! !eath are not a%% the h$)e iss$e
theyre crac*e! $' to be" So#eho+ the %ine bet+een the
t+o has b%$rre! &or #e" I !ont care so #$ch abo$t
han)in) on to %i&e, an! +hen I ha(e that tho$)ht I# no
%on)er a&rai! it #eans I(e %ost #y +i%% to %i(e" The o%!
thin) abo$t >$a%ity o& %i&e rather than >$antity o& %i&e
#eans #ore to #e" I *no+ I +ant to #a*e choices that
co#e &ro# e1cite#ent an! a!(ent$re rather than &ear"
An! I !e%i)ht in ha(in) ;en to tra(e% that 'ath +ith
#e" At the en! o& Ian$ary +e +i%% be startin) a ne+ %i&e,
#o(in) to o$r ne+ ho$se in Tahoe" A ne+ be)innin) in a
ho$se +e ha(e bo$)ht &or o$r &$t$re to)ether"
When +e ret$rne! to M$ir Beach &ro# Lare!o, Treya
a)ain be)an to con&er +ith se(era% !octors an! s'ecia%ists,
.$st to #a*e s$re she ha! co(ere! a%% the bases" As the
n$#ber o& &o%%o+/$' cons$%tations )re+, a !ist$rbin) an!
then a%ar#in) tren! e#er)e!- the +ei)ht o& o'inion +as
that Treya ha! in &act ha! a chest +a%% rec$rrence, that
Treya ha! #etastatic cancer" The +orst sy#bo%s yo$ co$%!
e(er '$t to)ether on one 'a)e- )ra!e &o$r, sta)e &o$r"
My &irst reaction +as an)er, ra)e9 Ho+ co$%! they say
that< What i& theyre ri)ht< Ho+ co$%! this be ha''enin)
to #e< 6o!!a##it9 ;en tryin) to reass$re #e b$t I
!ont +ant to be reass$re!, I +ant to be an)ry" The
+ho%e )o!!a#n thin) #a*es #e an)ry, the 'ossibi%ity o&
it, the &act that I +as #obi%i8e! &or it ear%ier an! ha(e
no+ %et !o+n #y !e&enses, the &act that +ere
s$rro$n!e! +ith !i&&erent o'inions, &ro# the !octors
a!(isin) che#othera'y to #y &rien!s s$))estin) a%%
these a%ternati(e treat#ents that I +on!er i& they! try
+ith s$ch )%ib &aith i& they ha! this +ic*e! *in! o& cancer
insi!e the#" I hate the +ho%e sit$ation, #ost o& a%% the
not *no+in)999 Che#othera'ys har! eno$)h to )o
thro$)h +hen yo$ *no+ yo$ nee! it 2 ho+ abo$t +hen
yo$ rea%%y !ont *no+ &or s$re, +hen yo$ s$s'ect theres
nothin) #ore )oin) on than a &e+ stray ce%%s %e&t behin!
!$rin) an o'eration" That so#eho+ esca'e! ra!iation"
Ho+ !i! that ha''en< What !oes that #ean<
Once Treya be)an to consi!er the ne+ e(i!ence o&&ere!
by (ario$s onco%o)ists, it +as a s%o+ an! see#in)%y
ine1orab%e s%i!e to a )ri# conc%$sion" I& this +ere in &act a
chest +a%% rec$rrence, an! i& it +erent treate! +ith the
#ost a))ressi(e che#othera'y a(ai%ab%e, the chances o&
Treyas ha(in) another 4an! 'robab%y &ata%5 rec$rrence +ere
K0Q +ithin a #ere nine #onths" Not years, #onths9 =ro#
not !oin) che#othera'y at a%%, to !oin) a #o!erate co$rse
o& che#o, to the #ost a))ressi(e an! to1ic che#othera'y
in e1istence- th$s the !is#a% s%i!e into yet #ore #e!ie(a%
tort$re" 0We%% +hat, %itt%e %a!y< 3o$ bac* a)ain< No+ yo$re
startin) to )et on #y ner(es, %itt%e %a!y, yo$re startin) to
tic* #e o&&, *no+ +hat I #ean< I)or, +o$%! yo$ be )oo!
eno$)h to 're'are the (at, '%ease" """0
The s%o+ #o(e#ent to+ar! che#othera'y" Thin*in)
o(er Christ#as +e ha! it a%% han!%e! 2 s$r)eon an!
ra!io%o)ists !i!nt reco##en! it, the onco%o)ists
reco##en!ation co$%! be +ritten o&& as e>$i(a%ent to
as*in) an ins$rance #an i& yo$ nee!e! ins$rance, an!
+e ha! the Li(in)ston C%inics a''roach to re%y on"
Then the ret$rn to S"=" an! a''oint#ents +ith t+o
onco%o)ists" They both reco##en!e! che#othera'y,
one CM= an! the other CM=/7 Ft+o co##on an! &air%y
#o!erate che#othera'y re)i#ens, both re%ati(e%y easy
to to%erateG" The ris* &actors be)an to +ei)h #ore
hea(i%y in #y #in!" Last year I ha! on%y one ba!
'ro)nostic in!icator, the &act that the t$#or +as 'oor%y
!i&&erentiate! Fthat is, it +as )ra!e &o$rG" The si8e +as
inter#e!iate, .$st bare%y sta)e t+o" The other as'ects 2
estro)en 'ositi(e an! t+enty c%ean %y#'h no!es 2 +ere
)oo!" Aery )oo!"
B$t no+ the ba%ance has ti''e! ra!ica%%y" S$!!en%y to
the ba! in!icators are a!!e! rec$rrence +ithin a year,
rec$rrence in a ra!iate! area, rec$rrence that is
estro)en ne)ati(e" An! sti%% the sa#e 'oor%y
!i&&erentiate! histo%o)y" 7oor%y !i&&erentiate!, )ra!e &o$r
histo%o)y" S%o+%y, e(er so s%o+%y, I a# beco#in)
con(ince! it +o$%! be &oo%ish not to !o che#othera'y"
Es'ecia%%y since the CM= re)i#en isnt a%% that !i&&ic$%t to
han!%e" Litt%e or no hair %oss, in.ections t+ice a #onth, a
'i%% three ti#es a !ay" I co$%! carry on a &air%y nor#a% %i&e
+hi%e stayin) a+ay &ro# so$rces o& in&ection an!
)enera%%y +atchin) o$t &or #yse%&"
The +ear an! tear on both ;en an! #e is startin) to
sho+" To!ay I +ent o$t &or a +a%* an! +hi%e I +as )one
he ta%*e! to #y sister an! #y #other an! bro$)ht the#
$' to !ate on +hat +as ha''enin)" B$t +hen I )ot ho#e
I b%e+ $' at hi#, I &e%t he ha! to%! #y story, I &e%t
cro+!e! o$t by hi#" Ds$a%%y he !oesnt )et an)ry at #y
o$tb$rsts, b$t this ti#e he b%e+ $' too" He sai! I +as
cra8y i& I tho$)ht this cancer or!ea% +as .$st #y story"
He +as )oin) thro$)h it too an! bein) !ee'%y a&&ecte!
by it" I &e%t )$i%ty, I +as bein) 'etty, b$t it +as a%#ost %i*e
I co$%!nt he%' it"
I +ant to be #ore sensiti(e to ho+ har! this 'erio! is
on ;en as +e%% as #e" To not ta*e his s$''ort an! his
stren)th &or )rante!" I(e been !oin) that an! its
+earin) hi# !o+n, I can te%%" To *no+ that he nee!s
s$''ort &ro# #e as #$ch as I !o &ro# hi#"
The +ear an! tear on both o& $s contin$e!" Treya an! I
+ent into a &ren8y o& 'hone cons$%tations +ith the &inest
s'ecia%ists &ro# a%% o(er the co$ntry an! the +or%!, &ro#
B%oo#enschein in Te1as to Bonna!onna in Ita%y"
Ies$s, +hen +i%% this a%% sto'< ;en an! I ta%*e! to &i(e
!octors on the 'hone to!ay, inc%$!in) Dr" B%oo#enschein
at M" D" An!erson, +ho is )enera%%y re)ar!e! as the
&inest breast onco%o)ist in the co$ntry" As o$r onco%o)ist
here in S"=" '$t it, 0Nobo!y in the +or%! can beat his
n$#bers,0 +hich #eans B%oo#enschein has hi)her
s$ccess rates +ith che#othera'y than anybo!y e%se,
any+here"
I ha! !eci!e! to start +ith a co$rse o& CM=/7,
'robab%y )ettin) #y &irst in.ection to#orro+ #ornin)"
Dnti% Dr" B%oo#enschein ret$rne! o$r ca%% an! #y +or%!
t$rne! $'si!e !o+n" A)ain" He stron)%y reco##en!e!
an A!ria#ycin re)i#en F)enera%%y tho$)ht to be the
stron)est che#othera'e$tic a)ent aro$n!, +ith horrib%e
si!e e&&ectsG, sayin) it +as c%ear%y #ore e&&ecti(e than
CM=" He sai! there +as no !o$bt +hatsoe(er that #y
rec$rrence +as chest +a%%, sta)e &o$r" He sai! recent
st$!ies sho+e! that +o#en +ho ha! a resection a&ter a
chest +a%% rec$rrence, +hich is basica%%y +hat I ha! !one,
an! !i! not ha(e che#othera'y re%a'se! at the rate o&
K0Q at nine #onths, @0Q at three years, an! EKQ at
&i(e years" He sai! there +as a EKQ chance I ha!
#icrosco'ic cancer ri)ht no+, b$t that no+ +as #y
0+in!o+ o& o''ort$nity0 i& I acte! >$ic*%y"
=ine, b$t A!ria#ycin< I co$%! see $n!er)oin) a%% this i&
I +as certain that I nee!e! it, b$t to %ose #y hair an!
carry a 'ortab%e '$#' aro$n! &o$r !ays an! ni)hts o$t
o& e(ery three +ee*s &or a year +hi%e it !ri''e! 'oison
into #y syste# an! #y +hite b%oo! ce%%s !ie! an! #y
#o$th !e(e%o'e! sores an! there +as a !an)er o&
!a#a)e to #y heart< Was that rea%%y +orth it< An! +hat
abo$t the treat#ent bein) +orse than the !isease<
An! on the other han!, +hat abo$t a K0Q chance o&
%etha% rec$rrence %ithin nine months<
We h$n) $' the 'hone, an! I i##e!iate%y ca%%e! 7eter
Richar!s, +ho sti%% #aintaine! it +as a %oca% rec$rrence an!
che#othera'y +asnt necessary" 0I$st !o $s a &a(or, +o$%!
yo$, 7eter< 7%ease ca%% B%oo#enschein an! .$st ta%* to hi#"
He scare! $s, I +ant to see i& he scares yo$"0
7eter ca%%e! hi#, b$t it +as a sta%e#ate" 0His &i)$res are
ri)ht i& its a chest +a%% rec$rrence, b$t I sti%% thin* its %oca%"0
Treya an! I stare! at each other b%an*%y" 0What the he%%
are +e )oin) to !o<0 she &ina%%y sai!"
0I ha(e no i!ea"0
03o$ te%% #e +hat to !o"0
0What<90 We act$a%%y both starte! %a$)hin), beca$se
nobo!y e(er to%! Treya +hat to !o"
0I# not e(en s$re i& I can o&&er yo$ an o'inion" The on%y
+ay +ere )oin) to )et a !ecision &ro# the #e!ica%
estab%ish#ent is i& +e ta%* to an o!! n$#ber o& 'hysicians"
Other+ise these )$ys are s'%ittin) ri)ht !o+n the #i!!%e" It
a%% hin)es on .$st +hat the )o!!a#n !ia)nosis is" Is this
chest +a%% or %oca%< Nobo!y see#s to *no+, or at %east to
a)ree"0 We sat e1ha$ste!, b$rne! o$t"
0I ha(e one %ast i!ea,0 I sai!" 0Want to try it<0
0O& co$rse" What is it<0
0What !oes this !ecision hin)e on< The histo%o)y o& the
t$#or ce%%s, ri)ht< The 'atho%o)y re'ort, the re'ort that
!eci!es .$st ho+ 'oor%y !i&&erentiate! the ce%%s are" An!
+hos the one 'erson +e ha(ent ta%*e! to<0
0O& co$rse9 The 'atho%o)ist, Dr" La)ios"0
0Want #e to ca%% or yo$<0
Treya tho$)ht &or a #o#ent" 0Doctors %isten to #en"
3o$ ca%%"0
I 'ic*e! $' the 'hone an! ran) Chi%!rens 'atho%o)y
!e'art#ent" Mi*e La)ios is, by a%% acco$nts, a bri%%iant
'atho%o)ist +ith an internationa% re'$tation as an
inno(ati(e %ea!er in the &ie%! o& cancer histo%o)y" He has
been the one 'eerin) !o+n the #icrosco'e at the tiss$e
&ro# Treyas bo!y, an! it has been his re'orts that the
(ario$s !octors ha(e been rea!in) be&ore )i(in) $s their
o'inions" It +as ti#e to )o to the so$rce"
0Dr" La)ios, #y na#e is ;en Wi%ber" I# Terry ;i%%a#
Wi%bers h$sban!" I rea%i8e this is (ery $n$s$a%, b$t Terry
an! I ha(e to #a*e so#e e1tre#e%y !i&&ic$%t !ecisions, an! I
+on!ere! i& yo$ co$%! ta%* to #e &or a &e+ #in$tes<0
0This is $n$s$a%, as yo$ say" We $s$a%%y !ont ta%* to
'atients, I# s$re yo$ $n!erstan!"0
0Dr" La)ios, o$r !octors 2 an! +e ha(e no+ cons$%te!
ten o& the# 2 are !i(i!e! 'recise%y !o+n the #i!!%e as to
+hether Terrys rec$rrence +as %oca% or #etastatic" A%% I
+ante! to *no+ is, .$st ho+ a))ressi(e !i! the ce%%s %oo* to
yo$< 7%ease"0
There +as si%ence" 0A%% ri)ht, Mr" Wi%ber" I !ont +ish to
a%ar# yo$, b$t since yo$ as*, I%% te%% yo$ honest%y" In #y
career as a 'atho%o)ist, I ha(e ne(er seen a #eaner cancer
ce%%" I# not e1a))eratin) or sayin) that &or e#'hasis" I#
tryin) to be 'recise" I 'ersona%%y ha(e not seen a #ore
a))ressi(e ce%%"0
I a# %oo*in) !irect%y at Treya as La)ios says this" I !o not
b%in*" My e1'ression is co#'%ete%y b%an*" I &ee% no e#otion, I
&ee% nothin)" I a# &ro8en"
0Mr" Wi%ber<0
0Te%% #e, Dr" La)ios, i& this +ere yo$r +i&e, +o$%! yo$
reco##en! to her that she !o che#othera'y<0
0I# a&rai! I! ha(e to reco##en! the #ost a))ressi(e
co$rse o& che#othera'y that co$%! be to%erate!"0
0An! the o!!s<0
There +as a %on) 'a$se" A%tho$)h he co$%! ha(e ratt%e!
o&& statistics &or an ho$r, he sai! si#'%y, 0I& it +ere, as yo$
say, #y +i&e, I +o$%! +ant so#ebo!y to te%% #e that,
a%tho$)h #irac%es abo$n!, the o!!s are not (ery )oo!"0
0Than* yo$, Dr" La)ios"0
I h$n) $' the 'hone"
3
*ho Am I4
ON THE 7LANE to Ho$ston, T$es!ay #ornin)" There is
a K0Q chance that the A!ria#ycin +i%% 'er#anent%y
!a#a)e #y o(aries, '$ttin) #e into #eno'a$se" I a# so
$'set at #aybe not bein) ab%e to ha(e a chi%! 2 not so
#$ch +hy #e b$t +hy no+, +hy co$%!nt this ha(e
ha''ene! ten years %ater at &orty/si1< ;en an! I! ha(e
been #arrie! ten years an! ha(e a chi%! an! it! be so
#$ch easier to han!%e" Why no+, +hy so yo$n)< See#s
so $n&air, #a*es #e so !a#ne! an)ry 2 e(en a to$ch
%i*e co##ittin) s$ici!e to s'ite %i&e, to sho+ it that it
cant '$sh #e aro$n! %i*e that" =$c* it a%%, .$st chec* o$t"
O& co$rse %ater I thin* o& the rea%%y yo$n) +ho ha(e
%e$*e#ia or Ho!)*ins, +ho ha(ent e(en ha! a chance
to %i(e as #$ch %i&e as I ha(e, to tra(e%, to %earn, to
e1'%ore, to )i(e, to &in! their 'artner, an! I ca%# !o+n" It
a%% see#s nor#a% then 2 this is so#eho+, &or so#e
reason, %i&e in these ti#es" 3o$ can a%+ays thin* o&
others +orse o&& than yo$, an! that #a*es #e #ore
a+are o& the 'ositi(e si!es o& #y %i&e an! it #a*es #e
es'ecia%%y ea)er to he%' others %ess &ort$nate"
Sat$r!ay +as !i&&ic$%t" Once I !eci!e! to )o +ith
B%oo#enscheins reco##en!ation, +e !eci!e! that the
best +ay to !e%i(er the che#othera'y +as by i#'%antin)
a 7ort/a/Cath catheter in #y chest, an! attachin) to it a
Tra(eno% 'ortab%e '$#', +hich I +i%% carry aro$n! +ith
#e &or &o$r !ays each #onth &or $' to a year"
=or the o'eration F+hich too* '%ace at Chi%!rens
be&ore +e %e&t &or Ho$stonG 2 I &e%t a %itt%e sha*y 2 I as*e!
;en to )o $' +ith #e to the 're' roo#" He +aite! ti%% I
+as 're''e!, *isse! #e, an! %e&t" When I #et the !octor,
%yin) there on #y bac* !ra'e! in sheets, starin) at the
cei%in), in a co%! ha%%+ay, he see#e! so *in!, a bear o& a
#an, an! his *in!ness an! co#'assion #a!e #e cry"
Does so e(en no+ re#e#berin) that #o#ent" He
e1'%aine! the 'roce!$re to #e as I %ay there, tears
%ea*in) o$t o& #y eyes" The tears +ere beca$se
so#eho+ this ste' #a!e the !ecision #ore concrete,
#ore irre(ocab%e, the !ecision to s$b.ect #yse%& to
che#othera'y, an! a%% that #eant, es'ecia%%y the
'ossibi%ity o& not ha(in) a chi%!" O& co$rse I co$%!nt te%%
hi# that at the ti#e or I! rea%%y start cryin)" The n$rse
+ho assiste! +as the sa#e one +ho! assiste! +hen Dr"
R" too* o$t #y %$#' o(er a year a)o, an! a%so assiste!
+hen Dr" R" re#o(e! #y ri)ht breast +hi%e Dr" H" +or*e!
on #y %e&t" I %i*e! her" Co$%! ta%* abo$t +hate(er an!
&ee% #y sa!ness s$bsi!e in the nor#a%ness o& o$r
con(ersation, bi8arre%y nor#a% in this settin) o& OR RC,
bri)ht %i)hts abo(e, so#e stran)e 1/ray #achine to #y
ri)ht that +o$%! %ater chec* the '%ace#ent o& the 7ort/a/
Cath, an IA in #y %e&t ar#, a )ro$n!in) 'a! on #y %e&t
thi)h, e%ectro!es on #y chest an! bac* trans%atin) #y
heart beat into bee's a$!ib%e to a%% 4an o!! %ac* o&
'ri(acy, since &ee%in)s t$rn into '$b%ic bee's5" This +as
scary not beca$se o& the o'eration b$t beca$se it
see#e! %i*e an irre(ersib%e ste'" The !octor reass$re!
#e that this catheter co$%! easi%y be ta*en o$t anyti#e,
b$t I thin* he *ne+ +hat I #eant"
As the De#ero% too* +e%co#e e&&ect, I tho$)ht o& the
ti#e %ast year that I )ot 're)nant" I +as s$re I co$%!nt
)et 're)nant, +hich ha! a%+ays +orrie! #e so #$ch" A
!rea#y De#ero% tho$)ht ca#e to #e- It so#eho+ &ee%s
%i*e a so$% $' there too* it $'on itse%& to ha(e a (ery
brie& reincarnation, .$st to reass$re #e that I co$%! )et
're)nant" 0I %o(e yo$, +hoe(er yo$ are"0 Then I be)an
+orryin) abo$t a tho$)ht I $se! to ha(e +hen yo$n)er,
#ore a &ee%in) rea%%y, that I +o$%! ne(er ha(e a chi%! an!
+o$%!nt %i(e 'ast &i&ty" In this conte1t, it scare! #e,
es'ecia%%y since the other 're#onition I ha!, that I
+o$%!nt #arry ti%% I +as 'ast thirty, ha! co#e tr$e" B$t
no+, so#e !ays %ater, I &ee% a )ro+in) reso%(e to t$rn
that insi!e o$t an! #a*e it #y )oa% 2 to ha(e ;ens baby
an! %i(e 'ast &i&ty"
M" D" An!erson is an e1traor!inary an! >$ite i#'ressi(e
hos'ita%, 'artic$%ar%y i& yo$ %i*e +hite #ans #e!icine"
Wa%*in) !o+n its enor#o$s%y %on) an! con&$sin) corri!ors, I
*e't thin*in), I better h$rry or I# )oin) to #iss #y &%i)ht"
When Treya an! I &ina%%y &o$n! the che#othera'y $nit, I
!isco(ere! a stran)e 'heno#enon that +o$%! &o%%o+ #e &or
the ne1t si1 #onths o& Treyas treat#ent- Beca$se o& #y
sha(e! hea!, e(eryone ass$#e! I +as the 'atient,
ass$#e! I +as ba%! beca$se o& che#o" An! this ha! the
#ost c$rio$s, an! I s$''ose he%'&$%, e&&ect on the act$a%
che#othera'y 'atients- They +o$%! see #e co#in) !o+n
the ha%%, %oo*in) &it an! hea%thy, ener)etic, so#eti#es
s#i%in), an! I co$%! a%#ost see each o& the !o8ens o&
'atients thin*in), 06osh, #aybe its not so ba! a&ter a%%"0
Sittin) in the +aitin) roo#" There are !o8ens o&
+o#en here, &ro# a%% o(er the +or%!, to see the &a#o$s
B%oo#enschein" A +o#an &ro# Sa$!i Arabia +ith '$re
+hite hair, a %itt%e )ir% +ith one %e), a +o#an +ith )reen
)%asses ner(o$s%y +aitin) &or test res$%ts an! tryin) to
&i)$re +hat catheter to $se, a yo$n) +o#an +ith both
breasts )one"
;en an! I +ait three ho$rs be&ore +e are &ina%%y
a!#itte! to a roo# +ith ten other 'eo'%e, sittin) in
chairs, a%% o& +ho# ha(e IAs in the#" I a# the on%y one
+ith a 'artner, an! I thin* ho+ horrib%e it #$st be to !o
this a%one" The n$rse +i%% !ri' three so%$tions into #e,
one at a ti#e" =irst the =AC FA!ria#ycin '%$s t+o other
che#othera'e$tic a)entsG, then Re)%an, a stron)
antina$sea a)ent, then a %ar)e a#o$nt o& Bena!ry% to
co$nteract the ba! e&&ects o& Re)%an" The n$rse ca%#%y
e1'%ains that Re)%an so#eti#es ca$ses (io%ent an1iety
attac*s, an! the Bena!ry% +i%% b%oc* this" I ha(e ne(er
ha! a rea%%y ba! an1iety attac*, so I ass$#e e(erythin)
+i%% be O;"
The =AC )oes &ine, then the Re)%an" 7erha's t+o
#in$tes a&ter the Re)%an !ri' starts, I &in! that &or no
reason, I start thin*in) ho+ nice s$ici!e +o$%! be" ;en
has been +atchin) #e (ery c%ose%y &or the %ast &e+
#in$tes, an! he )rabs #y han!" I te%% hi# ho+ nice
s$ici!e +o$%! be" He +his'ers in #y ear, 0Terry, honey,
the Re)%an is rea%%y hittin) yo$ har!" =ro# the +ay yo$r
&ace %oo*s, I thin* yo$re ha(in) a ba! hista#ine
reaction" I$st ho%! on ti%% the Bena!ry%" I& it )ets rea% ba!
te%% #e an! I%% ha(e the# start it no+"0 A &e+ #in$tes
%ater I a# hit by a &$%%/b%o+n 'anic attac*, the &irst ti#e
e(er" It is by &ar the +orst &ee%in) I can e(er re#e#ber
ha(in)" I +ant o$t o& this bo!y9 ;en )ets the Bena!ry%
starte!, an! a &e+ #in$tes %ater I start to ca%# !o+n, b$t
on%y a %itt%e"
Treya an! I ha! ta*en a roo# in a hote% across the street
&ro# An!erson, a%% )racio$s%y arran)e! by Ra! an! S$e" Her
e1tre#e%y stron) hista#ine reaction to Re)%an co$%! on%y
'artia%%y be #iti)ate! by %ar)e !oses o& the antihista#ine
Bena!ry%, an! so her 'anic an! s$ici!a% tho$)hts contin$e!
into the %on) ni)ht" An! the A!ria#ycin ha! not e(en be)$n
to ha(e its e&&ects"
0Rea! #e the Witness e1ercise &ro# /o 'oundary, +o$%!
yo$<0 she sai! aro$n! M-00 7"M" This +as a boo* I ha!
+ritten se(era% years ear%ier, the Witness e1ercise +as a
s$##ary o& so#e o& the +ays that the +or%!s )reatest
#ystics ha(e $se! in or!er to #o(e beyon! the bo!y an!
#in! an! &in! instea! the Witness" This 'artic$%ar (ersion I
ha! a!a'te! &ro# Roberto Assa)io%i, &o$n!er o&
7sychosynthesis, b$t its a stan!ar! techni>$e o& se%&/
in>$iry 2 the 'ri#or!ia% in>$iry 0Who a# I<0 2 'erha's #a!e
#ost &a#o$s by Sri Ra#ana Maharshi"
0S+eetheart, as I rea! this, try to rea%i8e the #eanin) o&
each sentence as c%ear%y as yo$ can"0
I ha#e a bo!y, b$t I a# not #y bo!y" I can see an! &ee%
#y bo!y, an! +hat can be seen an! &e%t is not the tr$e
Seer" My bo!y #ay be tire! or e1cite!, sic* or hea%thy,
hea(y or %i)ht, an1io$s or ca%#, b$t that has nothin) to !o
+ith #y in+ar! I, the Witness" I ha#e a bo!y, b$t I a# not
#y bo!y"
I ha#e !esires, b$t I a# not #y !esires" I can *no+ #y
!esires, an! +hat can be *no+n is not the tr$e ;no+er"
Desires co#e an! )o, &%oatin) thro$)h #y a+areness, b$t
they !o not a&&ect #y in+ar! I, the Witness" I ha#e !esires
b$t I a# not !esires"
I ha#e e#otions, b$t I a# not #y e#otions" I can &ee%
an! sense #y e#otions, an! +hat can be &e%t an! sense! is
not the tr$e =ee%er" E#otions 'ass thro$)h #e, b$t they !o
not a&&ect #y in+ar! I, the Witness" I ha#e e#otions, b$t I
a# not e#otions"
I ha#e tho$)hts, b$t I a# not #y tho$)hts" I can see an!
*no+ #y tho$)hts, an! +hat can be *no+n is not the tr$e
;no+er" Tho$)hts co#e to #e an! tho$)hts %ea(e #e, b$t
they !o not a&&ect #y in+ar! I, the Witness" I ha#e tho$)hts
b$t I a# not #y tho$)hts"
Then a&&ir# as concrete%y as yo$ can- I a# +hat re#ains,
a '$re center o& a+areness, an $n#o(e! Witness o& a%%
these tho$)hts, e#otions, &ee%in)s, an! sensations"
0That rea%%y he%'s, b$t it !oesnt %ast" This is a+&$%" I
&ee% %i*e I# .$#'in) o$t o& #y s*in" I# not co#&ortab%e
i& I sit !o+n, I# not co#&ortab%e i& I stan! $'" I *ee'
thin*in) ho+ sensib%e s$ici!e so$n!s"0
0Niet8sche $se! to say that the on%y +ay he )ot to s%ee'
at ni)ht +as by 'ro#isin) to *i%% hi#se%& in the #ornin)"0
We both %a$)he! at the 'ain&$%, si%%y tr$th&$%ness o& it"
0Rea! #e #ore" I !ont *no+ +hat e%se to !o"0
0S$re"0 An! so sittin) on a tac*y so&a in a %ar)e hote%
roo# across &ro# the Bi))est White Mans Cancer Center in
the Entire =$c*in) Wor%!, I rea! to !earest Treya %ate into
the ni)ht" The 'oisons in her bo!y be)an the #e!ica%
e>$i(a%ent o& sat$ration bo#bin)" I ha! ne(er &e%t so
he%'%ess in #y %i&e" A%% I +ante! to !o +as #a*e her 'ain )o
a+ay, a%% I ha! +ere ane#ic %itt%e +or!s" An! a%% I *e't
thin*in) +as, the A!ria#ycin hasnt e(en hit yet"
0O;, heres #ore &ro# /o 'oundary 2
0Th$s, as +e be)in to to$ch the trans'ersona% Witness,
+e be)in to %et )o o& o$r '$re%y 'ersona% 'rob%e#s, +orries,
an! concerns" In &act, +e !ont e(en try to so%(e o$r
'rob%e#s or !istresses" O$r on%y concern here is to %atch
o$r 'artic$%ar !istresses, to si#'%y an! innocent%y be a+are
o& the#, +itho$t .$!)in) the#, a(oi!in) the#, !ra#ati8in)
the#, +or*in) on the#, or resistin) the#" As a &ee%in) or
sensation arises, +e +itness it" I& hatre! o& that &ee%in)
arises, +e +itness that" I& hatre! o& the hatre! arises, then
+e +itness that" Nothin) is to be !one, b$t i& a !oin) arises,
+e +itness that" Abi!e as choice%ess a+areness in the
#i!st o& a%% !istresses" This is 'ossib%e on%y +hen +e
$n!erstan! that none o& the# constit$te o$r rea% se%&, the
Witness" As %on) as +e are attache! to the#, there +i%% be
an e&&ort, ho+e(er s$bt%e, to #ani'$%ate the#" E(ery #o(e
+e #a*e to so%(e a !istress si#'%y rein&orces the i%%$sion
that +e are that 'artic$%ar !istress" Th$s, $%ti#ate%y, to try
to esca'e a !istress #ere%y 'er'et$ates that !istress"
0Instea! o& &i)htin) a !istress, then, +e si#'%y ass$#e
the innocence o& a !etache! i#'artia%ity to+ar! it" The
#ystics an! sa)es are &on! o& %i*enin) this state o&
+itnessin) to a #irror" We si#'%y re&%ect any sensations or
tho$)hts that arise +itho$t c%in)in) to the# or '$shin)
the# a+ay, .$st as a #irror 'er&ect%y an! i#'artia%%y
re&%ects +hate(er 'asses in &ront o& it" Says Ch$an) T8$,
The 'er&ect #an e#'%oys his #in! as a #irror" It )ras's
nothin), it re&$ses nothin), it recei(es, b$t !oes not *ee'"
0Is this he%'in) at a%%<0
03es, a %itt%e" I *no+ that #ateria%, I(e 'ractice!
#e!itation &or years, b$t its so har! to a''%y it in these
circ$#stances90
0Oh, s+eetie" 3o$re ha(in) a rea%%y se(ere reaction 2 its
%i*e so#ebo!y !$#'e! &o$r h$n!re! 'o$n!s o& a!rena%in in
yo$r syste#, yo$re +ire! o$t o& yo$r s*$%%" I# a#a8e!
yo$re !oin) this +e%%" Rea%%y"0
0Rea! #e so#e #ore"0 I co$%!nt '$t #y ar#s aro$n!
Treya beca$se she co$%!nt sit sti%% &or #ore than a &e+
#in$tes"
0To the e1tent that yo$ act$a%%y rea%i8e that yo$ are not,
&or e1a#'%e, yo$r an1ieties, then yo$r an1ieties no %on)er
threaten yo$" E(en i& an1iety is 'resent, it no %on)er
o(er+he%#s yo$ beca$se yo$ are no %on)er e1c%$si(e%y tie!
to it" 3o$ are no %on)er &i)htin) it, resistin) it, or r$nnin)
&ro# it" In the #ost ra!ica% &ashion, an1iety is thoro$)h%y
acce'te! as it is an! a%%o+e! to #o(e as it +i%%" 3o$ ha(e
nothin) to %ose, nothin) to )ain, by its 'resence or absence,
&or yo$ are si#'%y +atchin) it 'ass by, as yo$ #i)ht +atch
c%o$!s 'ass by in the s*y"
0Th$s, any e#otion, sensation, tho$)ht, #e#ory, or
e1'erience that !ist$rbs yo$ is si#'%y one +ith +hich yo$
ha(e e1c%$si(e%y i!enti&ie! yo$rse%&, i!enti&ie! yo$r Witness,
an! the $%ti#ate reso%$tion o& the !ist$rbance is si#'%y to
disidentify +ith it" 3o$ c%ean%y %et a%% o& the# !ro' a+ay by
rea%i8in) that they are not yo$ 2 since yo$ can see the#,
they cannot be the tr$e Seer" Since they are not yo$r rea%
se%&, there is no reason +hatsoe(er &or yo$ to i!enti&y +ith
the#, ho%! on to the#, or a%%o+ yo$r se%& to be bo$n! by
the#" To +itness these states is to transcen! the#" They no
%on)er sei8e yo$ &ro# behin! beca$se yo$ %oo* at the# $'
&ront"
0I& yo$ 'ersist at s$ch an e1ercise, the $n!erstan!in)
containe! in it +i%% >$ic*en an! yo$ #i)ht be)in to notice
&$n!a#enta% chan)es in yo$r sense o& se%&" =or e1a#'%e,
yo$ #i)ht be)in int$itin) a !ee' in+ar! sense o& &ree!o#,
%i)htness, re%ease" This so$rce, this center o& the cyc%one,
+i%% retain its %$ci! sti%%ness e(en a#i! the ra)in) +in!s o&
an1iety an! s$&&erin) that #i)ht s+ir% aro$n! its center" The
!isco(ery o& this +itnessin) center is (ery #$ch %i*e !i(in)
&ro# the ca%a#ito$s +a(es on the s$r&ace o& a stor#y
ocean to the >$iet an! sec$re !e'ths o& the botto#" At &irst
yo$ #i)ht not )et #ore than a &e+ &eet beneath the
a)itate! +a(es o& e#otion, b$t +ith 'ersistence yo$ #ay
)ain the abi%ity to !i(e &atho#s into the >$iet !e'ths o& yo$r
so$%, an! %yin) o$tstretche! at the botto#, )a8e $' in a%ert
b$t !etache! &ashion at the t$r#oi% on the s$r&ace"0
0Terry<0
0I# &ine, I# !oin) #$ch better" Rea%%y, this he%'s" It
re#in!s #e o& #y trainin), re#in!s #e o& 6oen*a an!
#y ten/!ay retreats +ith hi#" I +ish I +ere !oin) that
no+9 Theres a section in /o 'oundary abo$t ho+ the
Witness is i##orta%"0
0S$re, s+eetie"0 It s$!!en%y !a+ne! on #e ho+ $tter%y
e1ha$ste! I +as, &o%%o+e! by the !ist$rbin) rea%i8ation that
the or!ea% +as rea%%y .$st be)innin)" I *e't rea!in), tryin)
to hear #y o+n +or!s, the +or!s o& the +is!o# see*ers
thro$)ho$t the a)es, +or!s I ha! si#'%y +ritten !o+n an!
trie! to e1'%ain in a #o!ern (oice, +or!s I nee!e! to hear
no+ as ba!%y as Treya"
07erha's +e can a''roach this &$n!a#enta% insi)ht o&
the #ystics 2 that there is b$t one i##orta% Se%& or Witness
co##on in an! to $s a%% 2 in this +ay" 7erha's yo$, %i*e
#ost 'eo'%e, &ee% that yo$ are basica%%y the sa#e 'erson
yo$ +ere yester!ay" 3o$ 'robab%y a%so &ee% that yo$ are
fundamentally the sa#e 'erson yo$ +ere a year a)o"
In!ee!, yo$ sti%% see# to be the same yo$ as &ar bac* as
yo$ can re#e#ber" 7$t it another +ay- yo$ ne(er
re#e#ber a ti#e +hen yo$ +erent yo$" In other +or!s,
something in yo$ see#s to re#ain $nto$che! by the
'assa)e o& ti#e" B$t s$re%y yo$r bo!y is not the sa#e as it
+as e(en a year a)o" S$re%y a%so yo$r sensations are
!i&&erent to!ay than in the 'ast" S$re%y, too, yo$r #e#ories
are on the +ho%e !i&&erent to!ay than a !eca!e a)o" 3o$r
#in!, yo$r bo!y, yo$r &ee%in)s 2 all ha(e chan)e! +ith ti#e"
B$t so#ethin) has not chan)e!, an! yo$ *no+ that
so#ethin) has not chan)e!" So#ethin) &ee%s the sa#e"
What is that<
0This ti#e a year a)o yo$ ha! !i&&erent concerns an!
basica%%y !i&&erent 'rob%e#s" 3o$r i##e!iate e1'eriences
+ere !i&&erent, an! so +ere yo$r tho$)hts" A%% o& these ha(e
(anishe!, b$t so#ethin) in yo$ re#ains" 6o one ste'
&$rther" What i& yo$ #o(e! to a co#'%ete%y !i&&erent
co$ntry, +ith ne+ &rien!s, ne+ s$rro$n!in)s, ne+
e1'eriences, ne+ tho$)hts" 3o$ +o$%! sti%% ha(e that basic
inner &ee%in) o& I/ness" =$rther yet, +hat i& yo$ ri)ht no+
&or)ot the &irst ten years, or &i&teen years, or t+enty years o&
yo$r %i&e< 3o$ +o$%! sti%% &ee% that sa#e inner I/ness, +o$%!
yo$ not< I& ri)ht no+ yo$ .$st te#'orari%y &or)et e#erything
that ha''ene! in yo$r 'ast, an! .$st &ee% that '$re inner I/
ness 2 has anything rea%%y chan)e!<
0There is, in short, so#ethin) +ithin yo$ 2 that !ee'
in+ar! sense o& I/ness 2 that is not #e#ory, tho$)hts,
#in!, bo!y, e1'erience, s$rro$n!in)s, &ee%in)s, con&%icts,
sensations, or #oo!s" =or all o& these ha(e chan)e! an!
can chan)e +itho$t s$bstantia%%y a&&ectin) that inner I/ness"
That is +hat re#ains $nto$che! by the &%i)ht o& ti#e 2 an!
that is the trans'ersona% Witness an! Se%&"
0Is it then so (ery !i&&ic$%t to rea%i8e that e#ery conscio$s
bein) has that same inner I/ness< An! that, there&ore, the
o(era%% n$#ber o& transcen!ent Is is b$t one< We ha(e
a%rea!y s$r#ise! that i& yo$ ha! a !i&&erent bo!y yo$ +o$%!
sti%% basica%%y &ee% the sa#e I/ness 2 b$t that is a%rea!y the
(ery sa#e +ay e(ery other 'erson &ee%s ri)ht no+" Isnt it
.$st as easy to say there is b$t one sin)%e I/ness or Se%&
ta*in) on !i&&erent (ie+s, !i&&erent #e#ories, !i&&erent
&ee%in)s an! sensations<
0An! not .$st at this ti#e, b$t at a%% ti#es, 'ast an!
&$t$re" Since yo$ $n!o$bte!%y &ee% 4e(en tho$)h yo$r
#e#ory, #in!, an! bo!y are !i&&erent5 that yo$ are the
sa#e 'erson o& t+enty years a)o 4not the sa#e e)o or
bo!y, b$t the sa#e I/ness5, co$%!nt yo$ a%so be the sa#e I/
ness o& t+o h$n!re! years a)o< I& I/ness isnt !e'en!ent
$'on #e#ories, +hat !i&&erence +o$%! it #a*e< In the
+or!s o& 'hysicist Schroe!in)er, It is not 'ossib%e that this
$nity o& *no+%e!)e, &ee%in) an! choice that yo$ ca%% your
o+n sho$%! ha(e s'r$n) into bein) &ro# nothin)ness at a
)i(en #o#ent not so %on) a)o, rather this *no+%e!)e,
&ee%in) an! choice are essentia%%y eterna% an! $nchan)eab%e
an! n$#erica%%y one in a%% #en, nay in a%% sensiti(e bein)s"
The con!itions &or yo$r e1istence are a%#ost as o%! as the
roc*s" =or tho$san!s o& years #en ha(e stri(en an!
s$&&ere! an! be)otten an! +o#en ha(e bro$)ht &orth in
'ain" A h$n!re! years a)o, 'erha's, another #an sat on
this s'ot, %i*e yo$ he )a8e! +ith a+e an! yearnin) in his
heart at the !yin) %i)ht on the )%aciers" Li*e yo$ he +as
be)otten o& #an an! born o& +o#an" He &e%t 'ain an! brie&
.oy as yo$ !o" Was he so#eone e%se< Was it not yo$
yo$rse%&<
0Ah, +e say, that co$%!nt ha(e been #e, beca$se I cant
re#e#ber +hat ha''ene! then" B$t that is to #a*e the
terrib%e #ista*e o& i!enti&yin) I/ness +ith #e#ories, an! +e
.$st sa+ that I/ness is not #e#ory b$t the +itness o&
#e#ory" Besi!es, yo$ 'robab%y cant e(en re#e#ber +hat
ha''ene! to yo$ %ast #onth, b$t yo$ are sti%% I/ness" So
+hat i& yo$ cant re#e#ber +hat ha''ene! %ast cent$ry<
3o$ are sti%% that transcen!ent I/ness, an! that I 2 there is
on%y one in the +ho%e cos#os 2 is the sa#e I +hich a+a*ens
in e(ery ne+born bein), the sa#e I +hich %oo*e! o$t &ro#
o$r ancestors an! +i%% %oo* o$t &ro# o$r !escen!ants 2 one
an! the sa#e I" We &ee% they are !i&&erent on%y beca$se +e
#a*e the error o& i!enti&yin) the in+ar! an! trans'ersona%
I/ness +ith the o$t+ar! an! in!i(i!$a% #e#ory, #in!, an!
bo!y, +hich in!ee! are !i&&erent"
0B$t as &or that in+ar! I " " " in!ee!, +hat is that< It +as
not born +ith yo$r bo!y, nor +i%% it 'erish $'on !eath" It
!oes not reco)ni8e ti#e nor cater to its !istresses" It is
+itho$t co%or, +itho$t sha'e, +itho$t &or#, +itho$t si8e,
an! yet it beho%!s the entire #a.esty be&ore yo$r o+n eyes"
It sees the s$n, c%o$!s, stars an! #oon, b$t cannot itse%& be
seen" It hears the bir!s, the cric*ets, the sin)in) +ater&a%%,
b$t cannot itse%& be hear!" It )ras's the &a%%en %ea&, the
cr$ste! roc*, the *notte! branch, b$t cannot itse%& be
)ras'e!"
03o$ nee!nt try to see yo$r transcen!ent se%&, +hich is
not 'ossib%e any+ay" Can yo$r eye see itse%&< 3o$ nee! on%y
be)in by 'ersistent%y !ro''in) yo$r &a%se i!enti&ications
+ith yo$r #e#ories, #in!, bo!y, e#otions, an! tho$)hts"
An! this !ro''in) entai%s nothin) by +ay o& s$'er/h$#an
e&&ort or theoretica% co#'rehension" A%% that is re>$ire!,
'ri#ari%y, is b$t one $n!erstan!in)- %hate#er you can see
cannot be the Seer" E(erythin) yo$ *no+ abo$t yo$rse%& is
'recise%y not yo$r Se%&, the ;no+er, the inner I/ness that
can neither be 'ercei(e!, !e&ine!, nor #a!e an ob8ect o&
any sort" To the e1tent yo$ contact yo$r tr$e Se%&, yo$ !ont
see anythin), yo$ si#'%y sense an inner e1'anse o&
&ree!o#, o& re%ease, o& o'enness, +hich is an absence o&
%i#its, absence o& constraints, absence o& ob.ects" The
B$!!hists ca%% it e#'tiness" The tr$e Se%& is not a thin) b$t
a trans'arent o'enness or e#'tiness &ree o& i!enti&ication
+ith 'artic$%ar ob.ects or e(ents" Bon!a)e is nothin) b$t
the #is/i!enti&ication o& the Seer +ith a%% these thin)s that
can be seen" An! %iberation be)ins +ith the si#'%e re(ersa%
o& this #ista*e"
0This is a si#'%e b$t ar!$o$s 'ractice, yet its res$%ts are
sai! to constit$te nothin) %ess than %iberation in this %i&e, &or
the transcen!ent Se%& is e(ery+here ac*no+%e!)e! as a ray
o& the Di(ine" In 'rinci'%e, yo$r transcen!ent Se%& is o& one
nat$re +ith 6o! 4ho+e(er yo$ #i)ht +ish to concei(e it5"
=or it is &ina%%y, $%ti#ate%y, 'ro&o$n!%y, 6o! a%one +ho %oo*s
thro$)h yo$r eyes, %istens +ith yo$r ears, an! s'ea*s +ith
yo$r ton)$e" Ho+ e%se co$%! St" C%e#ent #aintain that he
+ho *no+s hi#se%& *no+s 6o!<
0This, then, is the #essa)e o& the saints, sa)es, an!
#ystics, +hether A#erin!ian, Taoist, Hin!$, Is%a#ic,
B$!!hist, or Christian- At the botto# o& yo$r so$% is the so$%
o& h$#anity itse%&, b$t a !i(ine, transcen!ent so$%, %ea!in)
&ro# bon!a)e to %iberation, &ro# !rea# to a+a*enin), &ro#
ti#e to eternity, &ro# !eath to i##orta%ity"0
0Thats bea$ti&$%, honey" It ta*es on a rea%%y $r)ent
#eanin) &or #e no+, yo$ *no+,0 she sai!" 0Those are no
%on)er .$st +or!s to #e"0
0I *no+, s+eetheart, I *no+"0
I contin$e! rea!in) to her, sections &ro# Sri Ra#ana
Maharshi, &ro# Sher%oc* Ho%#es, &ro# the S$n!ay co#ics"
Treya +a%*e! an! 'ace!, ho%!in) her si!es as i& tryin) to
*ee' herse%& &ro# .$#'in) o$t o& her bo!y"
0Terry<90
Treya ha! abr$'t%y bo%te! into the bathroo#" The
Re)%an, the antina$sea a)ent, ha! +orn o&&" E(ery thirty
#in$tes, &or the ne1t nine ho$rs, Treya (o#ite!" She
+ante! to be a%one, I co%%a'se! on the so&a"
Tracing my hand along the %all, still moist, , stumble
into our storage trun! and e2tract a small penlight3 'y its
dim illumination, , ma!e my %ay do%n the left hall and into
the first room, a room %e use for guests3
5Treya65
*s , shine the small light around the room, , am struc!
by the most bi4arre sight1 instead of the bed and table and
chair , e2pect to see, the room is full of nothing but strange
roc! formations, stalactites and stalagmites, huge shining
crystal formations, geometric mineral shapes of all #ariety,
some suspended in midair, all strangely beautiful, and #ery
alluring3 * small clear %ater pond is on the left, and the
only sound in the room is a constant 5plop plop plop 5 of
%ater dripping from a large stalactite into the clear pool3 ,
sit transfi2ed for minutes on end, hypnoti4ed by the
pu44ling beauty3
*s , loo! closer, , reali4e %ith a shoc! that this landscape
actually e2tends for %hat seems to be miles, maybe
hundreds of miles, in all directions3 ,n the #ast distance ,
can see a mountain range, then another, then se#eral,
sunlight glistening off their sno%capped pea!s3 The closer ,
loo!, the further the #ista e2tends3
, thin!, this is not my house3
So#eti#e !$rin) the &irst e(enin) o& #y
che#othera'y, +ith a%% the na$sea an! (o#itin) an!
an1iety, I reache! a t$rnin) 'oint 2 no %on)er into
+orryin), the che#o a%#ost see#s 'ast e(en tho$)h its
.$st be)$n in ti#e" Its 'art o& #y 'ath, 'art o& #y
.o$rney 2 tota%%y acce'te!" No &i)htin) it any#ore" I$st
+atch +hat )oes an! co#es" So 'erha's the che#o is
#y +ay o& #o(in) beyon! +orry 2 a%#ost %i*e s%ayin)
the !ra)on o& +orry that has ha$nte! #e so &ar" Maybe it
+as ;en rea!in), #aybe #y #e!itation, #aybe .$st
%$c*, b$t I &ee% #ore rea!y to #o(e into +hate(er co#es,
#ore &$%%y rea!y &or it" I a%so &ee% that so#ethin) ne+
an! i#'ortant is be)innin) &or #e" I !ont *no+ +hat,
b$t I &ee% it (ery stron)%y" 7erha's a c$%#ination o& #y
s'irit$a% %i&e, 'erha's a be)innin)"
6ot a hairc$t in antici'ation o& %osin) #y hair" Went
sho''in) +ith Mo# an! ;en &or a t$rban, an! &or an
o$t&it that, as ;en '$t it, 0+ont c%ash +ith ba%!ness"0
Mo# an! Da! )o 2 I crie!, sa! to see the# )o, so
to$che! by their care &or #e"
Bac* in M$ir Beach, Treya contin$e! to ha(e stron)
&ee%in)s abo$t reachin) a t$rnin) 'oint, abo$t acce'tin)
che#othera'y as 'art o& her 'ath, abo$t a +i%%in)ness to
0.o$rney that .o$rney"0
To S$8annahs 2 %o(e%y to s'en! the !ay +ith o%!
=in!horn &rien!s 2 see#e! so#eho+ a con&ir#ation o&
the &ee%in)s that the &ears o& cancer are behin! #e, the
&ears 4o& ri!ic$%e, s$s'icion, +hate(er5 o& '$rs$in) a
#ore o'en%y s'irit$a%?=in!horn/sty%e 'ath are behin! #e,
the .$!)#ents behin! #e 2 I &ee% #ore bac* on trac*,
borne o$t by #y &ee%in) o& %i)htness an! a%i(eness" I
tr$%y a# not concerne! abo$t %osin) #y hair" I# into
&ee%in) )oo! abo$t it an! #o(in) on"
I a# a%so s$rer abo$t #y +or*, #y !ae#on 2 s$''ort
;en an! !o cancer +or*" Sa+ An)e FSte'hensG at
S$8annahs 2 see#s +e both +ant to +or* +ith cancer
'atients" An! I &ee% a ne+ in&$sion o& ener)y an!
enth$sias# &or it a&ter this %atest shi&t or 'assa)e+ay or
)ra!$ation9
Treya +o$%! e(ent$a%%y ta*e &i(e co$rses or ro$n!s o&
che#othera'y" We too* bac* to San =rancisco the 'rotoco%
!esi)ne! by B%oo#enschein, an! there it +as a!#inistere!
by o$r %oca% onco%o)ist" The 'rotoco% itse%& +as &air%y
strai)ht&or+ar!- On !ay one o& the 'roce!$re, Treya an! I
+o$%! )o to the !octors o&&ice or the hos'ita% or +here(er
+e ha! arran)e! &or the treat#ent" The 0=0 an! 0C0
che#ica%s o& the =AC #i1 +o$%! be a!#inistere! by IA !ri'
4+hich too* abo$t an ho$r5, a%on) +ith +hate(er antina$sea
a)ent +e +ere $sin) at the ti#e" Then +e +o$%! hoo* $'
the 'ortab%e Tra(eno% '$#' to Treyas 7ort/a/Cath 4a
'roce!$re I +as ta$)ht at An!erson5" The Tra(eno% '$#' is
an in)enio$s !e(ice 2 basica%%y an o$tra)eo$s%y e1'ensi(e
ba%%oon 2 that +o$%! !e%i(er the A!ria#ycin o(er a t+enty/
&o$r ho$r 'erio!, th$s s'rea!in) o$t an! !i%$tin) its si!e
e&&ects" We ha! three s$ch '$#'s &or each ro$n! o&
che#othera'y" Ho#e +e +o$%! )o, +ith o$r '$#'s &$%% o&
oran)e/co%ore! 'oison, an! e(ery t+enty/&o$r ho$rs &or the
ne1t t+o !ays I +o$%! ta*e o&& the e#'ty '$#' an! '%$) in
a ne+ one" Three !ays %ater the treat#ent +o$%! en!, an!
Treya an! I +ere &ree $nti% the ne1t ro$n! be)an, +hich +as
!eter#ine! by &o%%o+in) Treyas +hite b%oo! co$nts"
Asi!e &ro# s$r)ery, the #ain &or#s o& Western
#e!icines attac* on cancer 2 che#othera'y an! ra!iation 2
are base! on a sin)%e 'rinci'%e- cancer ce%%s are e1tre#e%y
&ast/)ro+in)" They !i(i!e #$ch #ore ra'i!%y than any o&
the bo!ys nor#a% ce%%s" There&ore, i& yo$ a!#inister an
a)ent to the bo!y that *i%%s ce%%s %hen they di#ide, then yo$
+i%% *i%% so#e nor#a% ce%%s b$t #any #ore cancer ce%%s" This
is +hat both ra!iation an! che#othera'y !o" O& co$rse, the
nor#a% ce%%s in the bo!y that )ro+ #ore ra'i!%y than others
2 s$ch as hair, sto#ach %inin), #o$th tiss$e 2 +i%% a%so be
*i%%e! #ore ra'i!%y, hence acco$ntin) &or &re>$ent hair %oss,
sto#ach na$sea, an! so on" B$t the o(era%% i!ea is si#'%e-
Since cancer ce%%s )ro+ t+ice as &ast as nor#a% ce%%s, then
at the en! o& a s$ccess&$% co$rse o& che#othera'y, the
t$#or is tota%%y !ea! an! the 'atient is on%y ha%&/!ea!"
Abo$t ten !ays a&ter the three/!ay A!ria#ycin !ri',
Treyas +hite b%oo! co$nt 4WBC5 +o$%! !ro' >$ite %o+"
These +ere so#e o& the bo!ys nor#a% ce%%s bein) *i%%e!"
Since the +hite b%oo! ce%%s are a%so a #a.or co#'onent o&
the bo!ys i##$ne syste#, then &or the ne1t t+o +ee*s or
so, Treya +o$%! ha(e to be e1tre#e%y care&$% to a(oi! any
sort o& in&ection 2 stay a+ay &ro# cro+!s, 'ractice care&$%
!enta% hy)iene, an! so on" So#eti#e aro$n! three or &o$r
+ee*s a&ter !ay one, her WBC +o$%! co#e bac* $' 2 the
bo!y is re.$(enatin) itse%& 2 an! then she +o$%! be)in the
ne1t ro$n!"
A!ria#ycin is by &ar one o& the #ost to1ic che#othera'y
a)ents a(ai%ab%e, notorio$s &or its horrib%e si!e e&&ects" I
+o$%! %i*e to e#'hasi8e that #ost &or#s o& che#othera'y
are no+here near as !i&&ic$%t to to%erate as A!ria" Moreo(er,
e(en A!ria treat#ents, i& +e%% #ana)e!, can be ne)otiate!
+ith on%y #o!erate !isco#&ort" Treya an! I +ere ca$)ht
tota%%y o&& )$ar! on her &irst treat#ent by the $ne1'ecte!
a%%er)ic reaction to Re)%an" We a!.$ste! her antina$sea
a)ents, &irst tryin) Co#'a8ine, +hich +as not >$ite ri)ht,
an! then sett%in) on THC, the acti(e in)re!ient o&
#ari.$ana, +hich +or*e! 'er&ect%y" An! the &act is, a&ter
that &irst ni)ht, !$rin) a%% o& her s$bse>$ent treat#ents,
Treya thre+ $' not once"
Treya +or*e! o$t a stan!ar! 'ersona% ro$tine" On !ay
one o& each treat#ent, an ho$r be&ore the &irst !ri', she
+o$%! ta*e THC an! so#eti#es a (ery s#a%% a#o$nt o&
Aa%i$# 4:/2 #)"5" Be&ore the treat#ent she +o$%! $s$a%%y
#e!itate, either (i'assana or se%&/in>$iry 40Who a# I<05,
an! !$rin) the treat#ent she +o$%! !o (is$a%i8ation,
'ict$rin) the che#othera'y as a))ressi(e )oo! )$ys
attac*in) the nasties 4she so#eti#es sa+ the che#o as 7ac
Man/ty'e a)ents )obb%in) $' the ba! )$ys5" At ho#e she
+o$%! )et into be!, ta*e an Ati(an 4a stron) tran>$i%i8er?
se!ati(e5, %isten to #$sic, rea!, an! )enera%%y 8one o$t" On
the secon! an! thir! !ay she too* THC !$rin) the !ay, an!
one Ati(an each ni)ht" By !ay &o$r she +as &ee%in)
re%ati(e%y +e%%, an! +e +o$%! s%o+%y res$#e o$r 0nor#a%0
sche!$%e" In bet+een treat#ents +e #ana)e!, a#on)
other thin)s, to )o to L"A" one ti#e, an! on a be%ate!
honey#oon to Ha+aii on another"
7hysica%%y, then, Treya #ana)e! the che#othera'y
treat#ents &air%y +e%%, a%% thin)s consi!ere!" What +e
o(er%oo*e!, +hat ca$)ht $s &ro# behin!, +hat (ery near%y
!estroye! $s both, +as the e#otiona%, 'sycho%o)ica%, an!
s'irit$a% !e(astation that the +ho%e or!ea% +as ha(in) on
each o& $s" As the #onths +ore on, an! the or!ea%
intensi&ie!, Treyas sha!o+ e%e#ents s$r&ace! an!
intensi&ie!, an! I +ent into a 'ro&o$n! !e'ression" B$t in
the #eanti#e +e '%$))e! ahea!, o$r s'irits re%ati(e%y hi)h,
the &$t$re re%ati(e%y bri)ht"
0Wi%% yo$ %o(e #e +hen I# ba%!<0
0No, o& co$rse not"0
0Loo*, its startin) to )et thin here, an! here" Lets rea%%y
c$t it" Sort o& on the 'rinci'%e that yo$ cant &ire #e, I >$it"0
I )ot a h$)e 'air o& scissors an! +e hac*e! a+ay at
Treyas hair $nti% +e ha! a 'er&ect%y &ar/o$t '$n* s'i*e
hair!o" She %oo*e! %i*e she! been r$n o(er by a %a+n
#o+er"
In the sho+er I reache! $' an! a h$)e c%$#' o& hair
ca#e o$t in #y han!" Then another" I !i!nt #in! at a%%" I
)ot ;en an! +e both stoo! in &ront o& the #irror, %oo*in)
at each other, both co#'%ete%y ba%!" What a si)ht9 0My
)o!,0 ;en sai!, 0+e %oo* %i*e the #e%on section in a
s$'er#ar*et" 7ro#ise #e one thin)- +e%% ne(er )o
bo+%in)"0
Loo* at #y bo!y9 I ha(e no hea! hair, no '$bic hair,
no ri)ht breast" Sort o& %i*e a '%$c*e! chic*en9 I ha(e a
bo!y, b$t I a# not #y bo!y9 Than* 6o! &or s#a%% &a(ors"
B$t I %i*e &in!in) 'ositi(e ro%e #o!e%s &or ba%! +o#en"
Li*e the A#a8on +o#en are a )reat #o!e% &or not
ha(in) a breast" They $se! to re#o(e one breast so they
co$%! shoot a bo+ an! arro+ #ore e&&ecti(e%y" Sha(e!
b%ac* #o!e%s, the sha(e!/hea!e! +o#an in 0Star Tre*,0
the +o#an in (lose )ncounters, E)y'tian 'riestess"
E(eryone see#s to %o(e #y ba%! hea!, (ery bea$ti&$%
they say, tho$)h o& co$rse a 'art o& #e +on!ers ho+
#$ch o& that is to #a*e #e &ee% better" ;en says I#
rea%%y bea$ti&$%, an! the +ay he says it I *no+ he rea%%y
#eans it, +hich #a*es #e &ee% +on!er&$%9 A s#a%%
han!&$% o& o$r &rien!s *ee' '$shin) ;en, they +ant to
*no+ 4tho$)h they !ont .$st as*5 i& ;en sti%% &in!s #e
attracti(e" He says he &ee%s ins$%te! by this" 0Theyre .$st
scare!" I& they! .$st as* #e, I! te%% the# I thin* yo$re
the se1iest +o#an I(e e(er been +ith" I& I !i!nt thin*
so, I! say so"0 So he $s$a%%y si!este's the iss$e by
#a*in) an ironic .o*e abo$t ho+ really a+&$% it is, an!
so#eti#es theyre so ba! theyre &$nny" The other
e(enin) +ith C%aire an! 6eor)e, 6eor)e +as sort o&
'$shin) hi# abo$t ho+ it +as, an! ;en sai!, 0I(e )ot to
tra!e this one in on a ne+ #o!e%" =irst the ri)ht b$#'er
&a%%s o&&, no+ the $'ho%sterys )one" Resa%e (a%$e o& this
bo!y is )oin) to be ni%"0 A&ter+ar!s he sai!, 0B$t thats
ho+ they thin*, yo$ *no+< That i& a &e+ bo!y 'arts are
)one the so$% is so#eho+ co#'ro#ise!" O& co$rse I #iss
yo$r bo!y the +ay it +as, b$t thats not the 'oint" The
'oint is, i& I %o(e yo$, I%% %o(e yo$r bo!y, ho+e(er it is" I& I
!ont %o(e yo$, I +ont %o(e yo$r bo!y, ho+e(er it is"
They(e )ot it e1act%y bac*+ar!s"0
Were )oin) to ha(e Lin!a FCon)er, Treyas best
&rien!, +ho is an acco#'%ishe! 'hoto)ra'herG co#e $'
to Tahoe an! ta*e ba%! 'ict$res o& $s to)ether" ;en ha!
the +i%! i!ea that he +o$%! +ear #y breast 'rosthesis,
then Lin!a co$%! shoot $s n$!e &ro# the +aist $'" We!
both be ba%! an! +e! both ha(e one breast" 0Ta%* abo$t
an!ro)yny90 he sai!"
I# not s$re I%% e(er )et $' eno$)h ner(e to )o
aro$n! o$tsi!e +itho$t #y +i) or t$rban" In the
#eanti#e, e(eryone thin*s ;en is the 'atient" This +as
bro$)ht ho#e to $s the %ast ti#e I +ent to the !octors
o&&ice" ;en has a%+ays co#e +ith #e, an! a rea%%y nice
o%! #an 'ar*s o$r car" We both %i*e hi# a %ot" This ti#e
;en +as !e%aye!, an! !ro(e $' to the o&&ice by hi#se%&"
The #an ca#e o(er to ;en, an! +ith a rea%%y concerne!
%oo* on his &ace sai!, 0Oh, yo$ 'oor thin)" Ha! to co#e
by yo$rse%& this ti#e<0 ;en !i!nt *no+ +hat to say, it
+o$%! be too har! to e1'%ain, so he sai!, 0Aint that a
bitch<0
The 'hysica% 'rob%e#s +ith the che#othera'y starte! to
catch $' +ith Treya, an! +e hea!e! !o+n to L"A", bet+een
treat#ents t+o an! three, &or a s#a%% (acation +ith sister
;ati, +ho +as a %a+yer +ith I" Re%%a Mine%%a"
I(e %ost #y 'erio! an! at so#e 'oint +i%% ha(e to
start on estro)en re'%ace#ents" I(e !e(e%o'e! #o$th
sores that are >$ite 'ain&$%" An! bo+e% #o(e#ents are
so#eti#es (ery 'ain&$% an! so#eti#es b%oo!y" A%% the
&ast/)ro+in) tiss$es in #y bo!y" So#eti#es &in!in)
so#ethin) to eat that tastes )oo! is har!" B$t its
a#a8in) to #e +hat h$#an bein)s can en!$re, can '$t
$' +ith" What is, is"
In L"A", staye! +ith ;ati" Tracy ca#e, it +as
+on!er&$%" ;en rea%%y %i*es both #y sisters, has a s#a%%
cr$sh on the#" ;risten Fa &rien! &ro# =in!hornG an! I
(isite! the We%%ness Center in Santa Monica, a cancer
s$''ort net+or* r$n by Haro%! Ben.a#in" I %i*e! hearin)
the stories, sensin) the s'irit, es'ecia%%y o& the ba%!
+o#en, %i*e! that 'eo'%e to%! +hat i%%ness they ha! ri)ht
a+ay, not shyin) a+ay &ro# it" See#e! rea%, earthy" An!
the &aci%itator *e't thin)s in %ine +hen +or!/#a)ic )ot
o$t o& han! or 'eo'%e '$she! so#eone e%se to con&or#
or .oin" Li*e +hen a +o#an +ante! to #a*e the #an
+ith bone cancer +ant to %i(e" 7eo'%e ha! .$#'e! on
hi# ear%ier &or sayin) that 'art o& hi# +ante! to !ie" As
i& a%% he ha! to !o +as #a*e the !ecision to %i(e, as i& it
+as not O; to +ant to !ie" B$t that )ot correcte! by
others 2 07eo'%e !ie here"0 0I +ante! to !ie, an! sti%% !o
so#eti#es"0 0I(e )ot a +ay to !ie a%% '%anne!, an! i& it
co#es to that, thats O;, thats 'art o& it"0
It +as a +on!er&$% tri', b$t the e#otiona% crac*s 2 ba!
ones 2 +ere a%rea!y startin) to sho+"
Bac* at ;atis that e(enin), a )oo! &rien! o& #ine
ca%%e! abo$t so#eone +ho ha! cancer, an! she +ante!
to ta%* to ;en abo$t it" I +as so $'set she ha!nt +ante!
to ta%* to #e abo$t it or that ;en ha!nt s$))este! it" I
)ot #a! at hi#, an! he b%e+ $'" =irst ti#e hes e(er
rea%%y e1'%o!e!" He )rabbe! #y co%%ar, sai! that he
co$%!nt !o anythin) +itho$t ha(in) to +orry abo$t ho+
it +o$%! a&&ect #e" That &or a year an! a ha%& he ha!
s$b#er)e! his o+n interests in &a(or o& he%'in) #e, an!
that i& he co$%!nt e(en ta*e a 'hone ca%%, that +as it" He
&e%t there +as no+here he co$%! )o to )et so%ace" That
rea%%y )ot to #e" I a%+ays +ant hi# to &ee% that he can
co#e to #e, not that I# not )oin) to a%+ays critici8e
hi#" Sho$%! ha(e rea%i8e! &or hi# to )et so $'set he!
been storin) thin)s an! rea%%y nee!e! to be hear!" I
%istene! b$t I a%so !e&en!e! #yse%&, +hich sort o& 'ointe!
$' +hat he +as sayin)" I co$%! ha(e !one that %ater" It
+as a bi) #ista*e on #y 'art, I thin*, to attac* bac*,
beca$se I !i!nt rea%%y ac*no+%e!)e +hat he +as sayin)"
He staye! #a!"
With ;ati an! ;risten an! ;en" Ta%*in) o& cancer ce%%s
an! ho+ +e 'ict$re #ine" ;en sai! that he +ante! to
see the# as +ea* an! con&$se!, b$t that $n&ort$nate%y
they see#e! to be stron)" I sai! I !i!nt +ant to hear
that, that I +as tryin) to see the# as +ea* an!
con&$se!" He sai! there +ere t+o !i&&erent thin)s here,
ho+ he +ante! to see the#, +hich +as +ea* an!
con&$se!, (ers$s ho+ he $n&ort$nate%y sa+ the#, base!
on (ario$s re'orts, +hich +as stron)" I sai! I !i!nt +ant
to hear it" He sai! he ha! a ri)ht to his o'inion" I a)ree!,
b$t sai! it +as i#'ortant to #e ho+ I tho$)ht o& the#
an! I! there&ore rather not hear a (ie+ that sa+ the#
as stron)" Then !ont as*, he sai!" Do yo$ +ant #e to
te%% yo$ #y tr$e o'inion, or !o yo$ +ant #e to %ie to
yo$< he as*e!" Lie to #e, I sai!" =ine, I +i%%" He #a!e a
sni!e co##ent 2 0I# )oin) to )ro+ #y hair in so I can
'$%% it o$t0 2 an! then !ro''e! the con(ersation" I *no+
ho+ he too* it 2 he cant e(en ta*e a 'hone ca%%, he cant
e(en e1'ress his o'inion, +itho$t +orryin) abo$t ho+ it
+i%% a&&ect 0yo$ an! yo$r cancer"0 03o$ !ont rea%i8e ho+
!i&&ic$%t yo$r i%%ness can be on the 'eo'%e that %o(e yo$,0
he sai!" 03o$ co$%! ha(e sai!, 6ee, ;en, '%ease !ont
say #y cancer ce%%s are stron), beca$se that +orries
#e" B$t yo$ .$st iss$e or!ers 2 !ont !o this beca$se I
say so" I%% be )%a! to !o anythin) &or yo$ i& yo$ as*, b$t
I# tire! o& ta*in) or!ers"0
This +as (ery !i&&ic$%t, one o& the &irst ti#es that ;en
an! I ha(ent connecte!" I nee! to &ee% s$''orte!, b$t I
a# startin) to see that ;en nee!s to be s$''orte! too"
Here +as the sit$ation" In the 'ast year an! a ha%&- Treya
ha! one o'eration &o%%o+e! by si1 +ee*s o& ra!iation, a
rec$rrence, a #astecto#y, an! +as no+ in the #i!!%e o&
che#othera'y, a%% the +hi%e con&ronte! +ith the $nre%entin)
'ossibi%ity o& an ear%y !eath" In or!er to be +ith Treya
t+enty/&o$r ho$rs a !ay, I chose to sto' +ritin), !ro''e!
three e!itoria% .obs, an! )enera%%y t$rne! #y %i&e o(er to her
&i)ht a)ainst cancer" I ha! recent%y 2 bi) #ista*e 2 sto''e!
#e!itatin), beca$se I +as too e1ha$ste!" We ha! #o(e!
o$t o& the M$ir Beach ho$se, b$t the Tahoe ho$se sti%%
+asnt rea!y" We +ere in e&&ect b$i%!in) a ho$se +hi%e
tryin) to !o Treyas che#othera'y on the r$n, as i& b$i%!in)
a ho$se or !oin) che#o +erent #a!ness/eno$)h/in!$cin)
en!ea(ors on their o+n"
An! that, +e +o$%! both %ater rea%i8e, +as the easy 'art"
When +e &ina%%y #o(e! into the Tahoe ho$se, the rea%%y
)r$eso#e or!ea% be)an"
5
Narcissus, or the Se&%6ontraction
IT IS @-00 A"M", a bri)ht, bea$ti&$% #ornin) in North La*e
Tahoe" O$r ho$se is sit$ate! abo$t ha%&+ay $' the
#o$ntaino$s hi%%s that rise !ra#atica%%y &ro# the #ost
bea$ti&$% %a*e in North A#erica" =ro# e(ery +in!o+ in o$r
so$th/&acin) ho$se yo$ can see the entire %a*e, the
st$nnin) +hite beaches e!)in) it, the b%ac* #o$ntains in
the bac*)ro$n!, co(ere! +ith sno+ near%y year ro$n!" The
%a*e itse%& is a co%or o& a8$re/coba%t b%$e so intense, so !ee',
so e%ectric, I +on!er i& there isnt so#e sort o& h$)e 'o+er
)enerator hi!!en so#e+here in its !e'ths- This %a*e
!oesnt %oo* %i*e it is .$st b%$e, it %oo*s %i*e a s+itch has
been thro+n an! it has been t$rne! on"
Treya is s%ee'in) >$iet%y" I ta*e a bott%e o& Abso%$t (o!*a
&ro# the she%& an! I (ery care&$%%y 'o$r &o$r o$nces into a
c$'" I !rin* it in one >$ic* )$%'" This +i%% %ast #e $nti%
e1act%y noon, +hen I +i%% ha(e three beers +ith %$nch"
Thro$)ho$t the a&ternoon, I +i%% !rin* beer 2 #aybe &i(e,
#aybe ten" =or !inner, a bott%e o& +ine" Bran!y thro$)h the
e(enin)" I +i%% ne(er )et !r$n*" I +i%% ne(er 'ass o$t" I +i%%
rare%y e(en )et ti'sy" I +i%% ne(er ne)%ect any #e!ica%
'rob%e#s that Treya has, nor +i%% I shir* any &$n!a#enta%
res'onsibi%ities" I& yo$ #eet #e, yo$ +i%% not s$s'ect I ha(e
been !rin*in)" I +i%% be a%ert, s#i%in), ani#ate!" I +i%% !o this
e(ery !ay, +itho$t &ai%, &or &o$r #onths" An! then I +i%% +a%*
into An!ys S'ortin) 6oo!s, on 7ar* Street in So$th La*e
Tahoe, to b$y a )$n #eant to (a'ori8e this entire state o&
a&&airs" Beca$se, as they a%+ays say, I can si#'%y stan! it
no %on)er"
It has been t+o #onths since Treya &inishe! her %ast
che#othera'y treat#ent" A%tho$)h the treat#ents +ere
'hysica%%y '$nishin), Treyas enor#o$s stren)th an!
co$ra)e ha(e seen her thro$)h the +orst ti#es" Once
a)ain, she has been )i(en a c%ean bi%% o& hea%th, a%tho$)h
+ith cancer that ne(er #eans anythin) 4yo$ are on%y
'rono$nce! c$re! o& cancer +hen yo$ !ie o& so#ethin)
e%se5" Once a)ain, +e ha(e been %oo*in) &or+ar! to &ina%%y
sett%in) !o+n, 'ossib%y e(en ha(in) a chi%!, i& Treyas 'erio!
ret$rns" Once a)ain, the hori8on has be)$n to %oo* c%ear,
&resh, in(itin)"
B$t so#ethin) has chan)e! this ti#e" Both o& $s are
e1ha$ste!" Both o& $s are startin) to &ray at the sea#s" It is
as i& +e both carrie! a h$)e an! hea(y %oa! $' a stee'
#o$ntain, carrie! it $' >$ite +e%% an! set it !o+n >$ite
care&$%%y 2 on%y then to co#'%ete%y co%%a'se" A%tho$)h the
strain ha! been b$i%!in) s%o+%y in both o& $s, 'artic$%ar%y
o(er the se(en #onths o& che#othera'y, +e both ca#e
$nra(e%e! rather abr$'t%y, as abr$'t%y as I ha(e intro!$ce!
it in this narrati(e" It .$st see#e! that one !ay +e +ere
&ine, an! then the ne1t !ay %i&e ca#e a'art at the sea#s
%i*e a chea' s$it" It ha''ene! so s$!!en%y it ca$)ht $s both
o&& )$ar!"
I !o not inten! to !+e%% on this 'erio! in o$r %i(es, b$t
neither +i%% I )%oss o(er it" It +as, &or the both o& $s, he%%"
Inc%ine Ai%%a)e is a s#a%% to+n o& 'erha's se(en tho$san!
sit$ate! on the northeast e!)e o& La*e Tahoe, 0Tahoe0
bein) the %oca% In!ian +or! &or 0hi)h +ater"0 4La*e Tahoe is
the secon! %ar)est hi)h/a%tit$!e %a*e in the Western
He#is'here" It has #ore +ater than La*e Michi)an, eno$)h
+ater, the si%%y to$rist broch$res to%! $s, to co(er a%% o&
Ca%i&ornia to a !e'th o& &o$rteen inches"5 In :EBK a bi8arre
!isease b%e+ into this (i%%a)e, in&ectin) o(er t+o h$n!re!
'eo'%e +ith a !ebi%itatin) i%%ness that see#e! to rese#b%e a
#i%! &or# o& #$%ti'%e sc%erosis" The #ain sy#'to#s +ere
%o+/)ra!e chronic &e(er, s'ora!ic #$sc%e !ys&$nction, ni)ht
s+eats, sore an! s+o%%en %y#'h )%an!s, an! cri''%in)
e1ha$stion" O(er thirty o& the t+o h$n!re! (icti#s ha! to
be hos'ita%i8e! beca$se they +ere too e1ha$ste!, %itera%%y,
to stan! $'" CAT scans re(ea%e! n$#ero$s s#a%% %esions on
the brain, not $n%i*e MS" The es'ecia%%y 'ec$%iar thin) abo$t
this i%%ness +as that it !i!nt see# to be h$#an/to/h$#an
trans#issib%e- h$sban!s +ho ha! it !i!nt )i(e it to their
+i(es, +i(es !i!nt )i(e it to their *i!s" Nobo!y see#e! to
*no+ .$st ho+ it +as trans#itte!, in&or#e! o'inion &ina%%y
sett%e! on so#e sort o& en(iron#enta% to1in or co&actor"
Whate(er it +as that b%e+ into to+n that year, it .$st as
>$ic*%y b%e+ o$t a year %ater 2 since :EBK there has been
not one ne+%y re'orte! case o& the !isease in that area"
An!ro#e!a Strain, it see#s"
This +as so stran)e that at &irst the Centers &or Disease
Contro% in At%anta !enie! there +as any s$ch entity" B$t Dr"
7a$% Cheney, a bri%%iant 'hysician +ho a%so ha''ene! to
ha(e a 7h"D" in 'hysics, *ne+ better, since he +as )ettin)
the b$%* o& the cases" He co%%ecte! so #$ch incontro(ertib%e
%aboratory an! e#'irica% e(i!ence that At%anta ha! to
re(erse itse%&" Disease P, +hate(er it +as, +as rea%"
Treya an! I #o(e! to Inc%ine Ai%%a)e in :EBK" I +as one o&
the %$c*y t+o h$n!re!"
O& those +ho contracte! the i%%ness, abo$t a thir!
see#e! to *ee' it &or aro$n! si1 #onths, abo$t a thir!, &or
t+o to three years, an! the re#ainin) thir! ha(e it to this
!ay 4#any o& +ho# are sti%% hos'ita%i8e!5" I +as one o& the
#i!!%e thir!, !estine! to be st$c* +ith it &or t+o or three
years" My o+n sy#'to#s inc%$!e! #$sc%e s'as#s an!
a%#ost con($%sion/!e)ree tre#ors, chronic &e(er, s+o%%en
)%an!s, horrib%e ni)ht s+eats, an! abo(e a%% !ebi%itatin)
e1ha$stion" I +o$%! )et o$t o& be!, br$sh #y teeth, an!
consi!er it a !ays +or*" I co$%!nt +a%* $' the stairs
+itho$t restin) &re>$ent%y"
The rea%%y !i&&ic$%t thin) +as that I ha! this !isease an!
!i!nt *no+ it" As !isease P s%o+%y cre't o(er #e, I )ot #ore
an! #ore e1ha$ste!, !e'resse!, torn" I co$%!nt &i)$re o$t
+hy it +as that ba!" A!!e! to this +as a certain )en$ine or
e1istentia% !e'ression o(er Treyas con!ition an! #y %i&e in
)enera%" This !e'ression 2 'art rea%, 'art ne$rotic, 'art
!isease P/in!$ce! 2 +as interr$'te! on%y by occasiona%
an1iety attac*s, +here the !es'erate nat$re o& #y sit$ation
.o%te! #e o$t o& !e'ression an! into 'anic" I &e%t I ha! %ost
a%% contro% o& #y %i&e" An! I sa+ no reason to s$&&er those
'artic$%ar s%in)s an! arro+s o& o$tra)eo$s &ort$ne" O&& an!
on &or #onths I &e%t s$ici!a%"
B$t #y centra% 'rob%e#, the o(erri!in) 'rob%e#, +as
si#'%y that, in #y !esire to !o anythin) to he%' Treya, I ha!
&or o(er a year co#'%ete%y s$b#er)e! #y o+n interests,
#y o+n +or*, #y o+n nee!s, #y o+n %i&e" I (o%$ntari%y
chose to !o this, an! I +o$%! !o it a)ain $nhesitatin)%y
$n!er the sa#e circ$#stances" B$t I +o$%! !o it !i&&erent%y,
+ith #ore o& a s$''ort syste# &or #yse%& in '%ace, an! +ith
a c%earer $n!erstan!in) o& the !e(astatin) to%% that bein) a
&$%%/ti#e s$''ort 'erson can ta*e"
Thro$)ho$t Treyas i%%ness, I %earne! #any %essons abo$t
this !i&&ic$%t .ob" One o& the #ain reasons I a# +i%%in) to )o
into this e1tre#e%y !i&&ic$%t 'erio! in #y %i&e, an! in Treyas,
is so that others #ay a(oi! so#e o& the si#'%e #ista*es
that I #a!e" In!ee!, as +e +i%% see, I e(ent$a%%y beca#e
so#ethin) o& a s'o*es#an &or 0s$''ort 'eo'%e,0 base! on
%essons I %earne! the (ery har! +ay" When I &irst '$b%ishe!
an essay on the re+ar!s an! 'eri%s o& bein) a s$''ort
'erson, I an! #y '$b%isher +ere ta*en abac* by the
o(er+he%#in) res'onse the 'iece )enerate!" I recei(e!
h$n!re!s o& the #ost a)oni8in) %etters &ro# 'eo'%e a%% o(er
the +or%!, 'eo'%e +ho ha! )one thro$)h si#i%ar
circ$#stances an! ha! no one +ith +ho# they co$%! ta%*
abo$t the )rin!in) nat$re o& their ro%es" It is a to'ic I +o$%!
ha(e 're&erre! to beco#e an a$thority on by a )ent%er
ro$te"
In the #eanti#e I str$))%e! a%on), !isease P ta*in) its
co$rse, an! #y an1iety abo$t the +ho%e sit$ation 2 Treyas
i%%ness, #y 're!ica#ent 2 s%o+%y increasin), an! a certain
a#o$nt o& rea% !e'ression %ai! o(er the +ho%e #ess" I ha!
not been ab%e to !o any s$staine! +ritin) &or o(er a year
an! a ha%&" D' to that 'erio!, +ritin) +as #y %i&eb%oo!" It
+as #y !ae#on, #y &ate, #y &ort$ne" I ha! +ritten a boo*
a year &or ten years, an!, as #en o&ten !o, I defined #yse%&
by #y !oin), by #y +ritin), an! +hen that s$!!en%y
sto''e! I +as s$s'en!e! in #i!air +itho$t a net" The
%an!in) h$rt"
An! #ost e)re)io$s o& a%% I ha! sto''e! #e!itation" The
stron) taste I ha! o& the Witness s%o+%y e(a'orate!" I no
%on)er ha! easy access to the 0center o& the cyc%one,0 I ha!
on%y the cyc%one" An! it +as that, #ore than anythin) e%se
in #y case, that #a!e !i&&ic$%t ti#es so har! to bear" When
I %ost access to '$re o'en a+areness 2 to the Witness, to
#y so$% 2 I +as %e&t on%y +ith #y se%&/contraction, +ith
Narciss$s, ho'e%ess%y absorbe! in his o+n i#a)e" I ha! %ost
#y so$%, it see#e!, as +e%% as #y !ae#on, an! so I +as %e&t
on%y +ith #y e)o, a &ri)htenin) tho$)ht $n!er any
circ$#stances"
B$t I s$''ose the si#'%est an! #ost cr$shin) #ista*e I
#a!e +as this- I b%a#e! Treya &or #y +oes" I ha! &ree%y
an! (o%$ntari%y chosen to set asi!e #y o+n interests in
or!er to he%' her, an! then +hen I #isse! those interests 2
#isse! #y +ritin), #isse! #y e!itoria% .obs, #isse!
#e!itation 2 I .$st b%a#e! Treya" B%a#e! her &or )ettin)
cancer, b%a#e! her &or +rec*in) #y %i&e, b%a#e! her &or the
%oss o& #y !ae#on" This is +hat the e1istentia%ists ca%% 0ba!
&aith0 2 ba! in that yo$ are not ass$#in) res'onsibi%ity &or
yo$r o+n choices"
As I beca#e #ore 0!e'resse!,0 it $n!erstan!ab%y hit
Treya har!, es'ecia%%y a&ter a%% she ha! been thro$)h" A&ter
bein) there &or her !ay an! ni)ht &or a year an! a ha%&, I
+as s$!!en%y )one, s$!!en%y +ra''e! $' in #yse%&, #y
'rob%e#s, an! tire! o& hearin) abo$t hers" I &e%t I no+
nee!e! a %itt%e s$''ort, an! I &e%t she +as $nacc$sto#e! or
$nab%e to )i(e it" As I starte! s$bt%y b%a#in) Treya &or #$ch
o& #y !e'ression, she $n!erstan!ab%y reacte!, either +ith
)$i%t or an)er" At the sa#e ti#e, e1acerbate! by 're#at$re
#eno'a$se an! #oo! s+in)s ca$se! by che#othera'y,
Treyas o+n ne$rotic 0st$&&0 +as s$r&acin), an! I reacte! to
that" We en!e! $' in a &ast/&or+ar! !o+n+ar! s'ira% o& )$i%t
an! b%a#e that %e! Treya to !es'air an! #e to An!ys
S'ortin) 6oo!s"
Sat$r!ay" T+o !ays a)o I starte! +ritin) abo$t this
an! )ot three 'ara)ra'hs into it +hen the e%ectricity
+ent o&& in the ho$se" Was +ritin) abo$t ho+ #iserab%e I
+as then 2 'erha's not #eant to be recor!e!" I# &ee%in)
better no+ 2 ;en an! I ha! a %o(e%y e(enin) to)ether,
then s'ent the !ay !o+nto+n" As I +ent to s%ee' I ha!
the &ee%in) o& rea%%y bein) care! &or by 6o!, that thin)s
+i%% a%% +or* o$t O;" My a&&ir#ation chan)e! at ti#es
&ro# 0I &ee% the hea%in) 'o+er o& the %o(e o& 6o! at +or*
in e(ery ce%% an! ato# o& #y bo!y0 to 0I &ee% the hea%in)
'o+er o& 6o!s %o(e at +or* in e(ery ce%% an! ato# o& #y
bo!y"0 A s%i)ht b$t te%%in) !i&&erence" As I(e sai! be&ore,
I *no+ 6o! %o(es #e best thro$)h ;ens %o(e, so +hen
;en an! I rea%%y connect I connect +ith 6o! too" I& +e
!ont connect, I &ee% c$t o&& &ro# e(erythin)"
What %e! to that connection, ho+e(er, +as a
#iserab%e !ay" One o& those to be note! as the !e'ths"
;en sna''e! at #e &irst thin) in the #ornin) abo$t the
+or* on the c%oset, I sna''e! at hi# %ater abo$t the ne+
co#'$ter st$&&, he +ent o$t &or #ost o& the !ay, I sat
#oo!i%y on the 'orch starin) at the %a*e an! tryin) to
)et thro$)h +hat &ee%s %i*e .$n* in #y 'ersona%ity" We
ha! a %on) ta%* in the e(enin), no rea% sense o&
#o(e#ent, he sai! it &e%t %i*e a re'%ay"
I &ee% %ate%y %i*e I# &i)htin) o&& a ba! #oo! #ost o&
the ti#e, >$ite %i*e 7MS" My 'erio! sti%% hasnt ret$rne!, I
a# in e&&ect 'ost#eno'a$sa%" Co$%! #y #oo!s be !$e to
estro)en !e'ri(ation< 7robab%y to a %ar)e !e)ree" I
starte! ta*in) the Festro)enG 'i%%s a +ee* a)o, +hich has
he%'e! +ith the hot &%ashes so#e" I# a%so ha(in)
'ersistent bac* 'ains on both si!es be%o+ the +aist" B$t
so#eho+ +e )ot thro$)h it" ;en ha! a &e+ !rin*s an!
)ot rea%%y s+eet 2 t$rne! into a %o(e%y e(enin)"
To!ay I +as or)ani8in) #y bathroo# c%oset an! ca#e
across so#e e1tra Ta#'a1" Won!er i& I%% e(er $se the#
a)ain<
We!nes!ay" Thin)s are sti%% 'retty roc*y" We arri(e!
bac* &ro# San =rancisco to!ay, the ho$se %oo*e! nice
b$t they! #esse! $' the )ro$t co%or in the *itchen" Its
a%+ays so#ethin)" Later +e +ent &or a nice +a%* +ith a
%o(e%y (ie+ $' =air(ie+, b$t I +as a bit o$t o& sorts
beca$se ;en is #o'in) aro$n! so" His !issatis&action
+ith %i&e in )enera% co#es o$t c%ear%y in his (oice tone
to+ar!s #e, an! I cant he%' b$t ta*e it 'ersona%%y"
So#eti#es +hen hes %i*e this I &ee% %i*e he %o(es #e b$t
he si#'%y !oesnt %i*e #e" He a'o%o)i8es 2 then $s$a%%y
in a (ery s+eet (oice 2 an! says he !oesnt #ean that"
B$t I cant he%' b$t thin* so#eti#es that he !oes #ean
it" I trie! to ta%* to hi# abo$t it, b$t !i!nt )et (ery &ar"
He &ee%s at this 'oint that +e !ont !o too +e%% +or*in)
thin)s o$t +itho$t a thir! 'arty, %i*e =rances FAa$)hanG
or Sey#o$r FBoorsteinG, to he%' $s o$t" 0Honey, +e(e
)one o(er it a !o8en ti#es" I !ont *no+ +hy I# so
!e'resse!, b$t +e ta%* abo$t it, yo$ &ee% )$i%ty, yo$ )et
$'set, I )et $'set, its not +or*in) %i*e that" I +ant
so#ebo!y here to re&eree" Lets ho%! it ti%% +e can )et
so#ebo!y to he%'"0 Thats har! &or #e, I a%+ays +ant
thin)s sett%e! no+" I %i*e the air c%eare! so the !ee' %o(e
+e ha(e &or each other isnt obstr$cte!" He says +ere
too !ee' into it"
Whats a#a8in) to #e is ho+ c%ear%y +e can be in
%o(e, ho+ so%i! the &o$n!ation o& o$r connection is, an!
+e sti%% are )oin) thro$)h s$ch har! ti#es" I !o$bt #$ch
o& this +o$%! ha(e co#e $' b$t &or e(ery stress&$% e(ent
i#a)inab%e 4a%#ost5 co#in) at once in o$r %i(es" One
e(enin) +e +ere %oo*in) at those stress charts that
#eas$re ho+ #$ch stress (ario$s e(ents in %i&e ca$se"
The +orst, !eath o& a s'o$se, +as arbitrari%y )i(en one
h$n!re! 'oints" We ha! three o& the to' &i(e 4#arria)e,
#o(in), #a.or i%%ness5" ;en ha! a &o$rth 2 %oss o& .ob
4a%tho$)h (o%$ntary5" E(en thin)s %i*e a (acation +as
&i&teen 'oints" ;en sai!, He%%, +e ha(e so #any stress
'oints a%rea!y that i& +e ta*e a (acation it%% *i%% $s"
B$t +hene(er +e ta%* abo$t it, I *ee' )ettin) the
&ee%in) that +hat ;en is tryin) to co##$nicate is that he
is rea%%y an)ry at #e b$t +ont say so" He &ee%s beaten
!o+n, +atche! o(er, )ro$n!e!" In a sense hes #a! at
#e beca$se he is not ab%e to +or*" He rea%%y has )i(en
$' so #$ch to ta*e care o& #e, an! no+ hes e1ha$ste!"
I &ee% terrib%e abo$t it, I !ont *no+ +hat to !o" Nothin)
see#s to he%'"
In ti#es %i*e this o$r !i&&erent sty%es .$st co#e to the
&ore" Ds$a%%y they co#'%e#ent each other, no+ they .$st
see# to )rate" Me, the care&$%, #etho!ica%
conser(ationist +ith a ten!ency to contract +hen I &ee%
threatene!, ;en the e1'ansi(e, )enero$s (isionary +ith
a ten!ency to not 'ay attention to !etai%s o& !ai%y %i&e,
an! to )et irritate! +ith the#"
Bac* in San =rancisco, the ne1t +ee*en!, +e staye!
+ith =rances an! Ro)er" That ni)ht Whit FWhitsonG an!
I$!ith FS*$tch, the '$b%isher o& * (ourse in $iraclesG
ca#e o(er to ce%ebrate the 'a'erbac* '$b%ication, in
En)%an! an! the D"S", o& the (ourse" We a%so ce%ebrate!
the sti%%/secret #arria)e '%ans o& =rances an! Ro)er" The
!ay be&ore, Ro)er an! I ha! a nice ta%* abo$t +here he
+as +ith that iss$e" He sai! it +as %i*e !ro''in) a branch
2 hes a%rea!y %et )o o& the branch 4he *no+s he +ants to
be +ith =rances &or the rest o& his %i&e5 an! no+ theres
on%y the 'rocess o& %ettin) it &a%% to the )ro$n!" The ne1t
#ornin) he as*e! =rances to #arry hi#9 =ee%s %i*e its
abo$t ti#e " " " an! (ery ri)ht" The +e!!in) +i%% be at
I$!ith an! Whits ho$se, the honey#oon at o$r Tahoe
ho$se" ;en +i%% be Ro)ers best #an, I%% be =rancess
#atron o& honor" It %oo*s %i*e H$ston S#ith +i%% !o the
cere#ony"
At any rate, e(en +ith Ro)er an! =rances he%'in), o$r
iss$es +ere not !echar)e!" Bac* in Tahoe, its +ith $s
to!ay in ;ens #oo!" He .$st see#s st$c* in it" He %ies in
&ront o& the TA, not #o(in), &or ho$rs" My 'oor honey, I
.$st !ont *no+ +hat to !o to he%'" A&ter he too* care o&
#e &or so %on), I .$st +ant to ta*e care o& hi#, b$t
nothin) see#s to he%'" I &ee% abso%$te%y terrib%e"
=ri!ay" What a %i&e9 =ro# abso%$te !es'air to one o&
the best !ays e(er"
When ;en %e&t &or t+o !ays on b$siness I &e%% a'art"
=e%t a+&$% since I +as *in! o& +eir! +hen he %e&t, '$t #e
bac* into &ee%in) ba! abo$t the %itt%e +ays I# #ean to
hi# or try to contro% hi#" One o& his #ain co#'%aints is
that I !o try to contro% hi#, try to #ono'o%i8e his ti#e"
Its tr$e" I %o(e hi# so #$ch, I !o +ant to be +ith hi# a%%
the ti#e" So#e +o$%! say that #y cancer +as a +ay to
ha(e his $n!i(i!e! attention aro$n! the c%oc*" There
#ay be so#e tr$th to that, b$t I thin* I co$%! )et his
attention in other +ays9 I !o &ee% a bit .ea%o$s o& his
+or*, b$t I certain%y !ont +ant it to sto'" That is by &ar
the #ost 'ain&$% thin) to #e, that his !ae#on is )one"
When he %e&t I &rea*e! o$t" The ho$se &e%t so co%!, so
a%one" S'ent an ho$r on the 'hone cryin) to ;ati"
A&ter ta%*in) to hi# on the 'hone 2 he sai! he !oesnt
!o +e%% +itho$t #e either 2 e(erythin) see#e! )oo!"
Since his ret$rn +ere both bein) nicer to each other,
%ess reacti(e, +atchin) o$t &or 'atterns an! s*irtin) the
'%aces +e )et st$c*, .$st %o(in) each other a %ot"
=rancois an! Hannah ca#e &or the +ee*en! an! ;ay
Lynne .oine! $s Fthree &rien!s &ro# =in!hornG 2 it +as a
&ab$%o$s ti#e9 S$n!ay +as one o& the #ost 'er&ect !ays
e(er, be)innin) +ith a !ri(e $' Mo$nt Rose hi)h+ay to
sho+ the# the (ie+, then a 'icnic by a +ater&a%%, then a
hi*e to this )or)eo$s %a*e, then !inner at the best
resta$rant I(e e(er been to, then !ancin) at the Hyatt"
That hi*e +as s'ectac$%ar" The on%y +ay I co$%! )et ;en
to )o on it +ith $s +as to say, 0This hi*e is c%ear%y the
)reatest re+ar! &or the %east a#o$nt o& e&&ort +itho$t
#echanica% assistance I(e e(er seen" 3o$ $s$a%%y ha(e
to hi*e #i%es &or this *in! o& (ie+"0 0O;, O;, I%% )o"0
=rancois as*e! ;en, !ont yo$ %i*e e1ercise< ;en sai!, I
%o(e e1ercise, in ho#eo'athic a#o$nts"
Treya an! I +ere (ery #$ch a+are that +e +ere startin)
to &a%% a'art, both in!i(i!$a%%y an! as a co$'%e" In!i(i!$a%%y,
+e both &e%t that, >$ite a'art &ro# circ$#stances, ho+e(er
!i&&ic$%t they +ere, +e both ha! a &air a#o$nt o& nor#a%
ne$rosis that +as s$r&acin), ne$rosis that at so#e 'oint
ha! to be a!!resse! any+ay, ne$rosis that, in &act, #i)ht
ha(e re#aine! hi!!en or s$b#er)e! &or years +ere it not
&or these 'ress$re/coo*er circ$#stances"
An! as a co$'%e, the sa#e 'rocess +as at +or*" We +ere
&orce! to con&ront thin)s in o$r re%ationshi' that #ost
co$'%es !ont ha(e to &ace &or three or &i(e or e(en ten
years" In both cases 2 in!i(i!$a%%y an! as a co$'%e 2 +e ha!
to be ta*en a'art, as it +ere, in or!er to be reasse#b%e! in
a st$r!ier &ashion" We both ha! to )o thro$)h the &ire, an!
as 'ain&$% as it +as, +e both &e%t, &ro# the (ery be)innin),
that it +as $%ti#ate%y &or the better 2 i& +e co$%! s$r(i(e it"
Beca$se +hat +as bein) 0b$rne! $'0 in this &ire +as not o$r
%o(e &or each other, b$t #$ch o& o$r 0.$n*"0
Tracys sti%% #y bi))est s$''orter" Last ni)ht at !inner
she as*e! #e i& I +as +ritin) in #y .o$rna%, enco$ra)in)
#e to *ee' it $'" Sai! she tho$)ht the boo* +o$%! be a
best/se%%er9 So#eti#es I too ha(e those &antasies " " "
certain%y I(e ne(er &o$n! a boo* that contains a%% I
inten! to co(er" She as*e! #e i& I +as )%a! I! !one
che#othera'y 2 I sai!, 0As* #e in si1 #onths"0 I &ee% %i*e
I# sti%% on it 2 )$ess that +ont &inish $nti% the three/
#onth reco(ery 'erio! is $' an! #y b%oo! is bac* to
nor#a%" I# sti%% +aitin) &or #y hair to )ro+ bac* 2 there
!oesnt see# to be any si)n at a%% o& it yet" No ones
s'eci&ica%%y to%! #e +hen it +o$%! start )ro+in) b$t I
ass$#e! it +o$%! be soon a&ter the t+enty/&i(e/!ay cyc%e
&o%%o+in) the %ast treat#ent +as $'" Doesnt see# to be
the case since its t+o +ee*s since then" Ah, 'atience"
The other reason I !ont &ee% !one or sett%e! abo$t
che#othera'y is #y #issin) 'erio!" So$n!s %i*e so#e
sort o& !etecti(e no(e% " " " +here co$%! it be< Last +ee*
&or the &irst ti#e I e1'erience! (a)ina% !ryness !$rin)
interco$rse, abo$t three/an!/a/ha%& +ee*s a&ter #y %ast
4che#ica%%y in!$ce!5 'erio!" It +as 'ain&$% an!
!e'ressin)" I +ish so#e o& these #a%e !octors ha! so#e
sense o& this" I(e act$a%%y been in a terrib%e state &or the
%ast #onth, &its o& cryin) an! !e'ression, +ith so#e
rea%%y )oo! !ays scattere! in bet+een" Not that I +asnt
cryin) an! !e'resse! at ti#es be&ore, beca$se I +as, b$t
this 'erio! 4ha, )reat '$n5 see#e! to start +hen I !i!
Ste'hen Le(ines se%&/&or)i(eness #e!itation an!
b$#'e! &$%% $' a)ainst #y inabi%ity to &or)i(e #yse%&"
That +as a terrib%e !ay, hay &e(er on to' o& the tears,
b$t I #ana)e! to '$%% #yse%& to)ether eno$)h to )o into
to+n an! +rite the co(er %etter &or the D"S"/D"S"S"R"
3o$th E1chan)e =$n!in) 7ro'osa%" The ne1t +ee* I ha! a
terrib%e ni)ht +hen ;en +ent o&& to San =rancisco an! I
s'ent the e(enin) cryin) an! &ee%in) terrib%e abo$t
#yse%&" The ne1t +ee* is +hen I +ent to see #y
)yneco%o)ist, an! crie! #ost o& that !ay too" An! the
ne1t e(enin) +ith =rances an! Ro)er, ta%*in) abo$t the
'art o& #e that &ee%s res'onsib%e &or ca$sin) so #$ch
$'set an! )rie& an! inabi%ity to +or* in ;ens %i&e"
See#e! to start co#in) thic*er an! &aster !$rin) this
ti#e" I &e%t $'set a)ain +hen it %oo*e! %i*e Lin!a co$%!nt
co#e, &ee%in) so #$ch ho+ I +ante! to be ta*en care o&,
I +ante! her to %o(e #e eno$)h to rea%%y #a*e an e&&ort
to )et there" I to%! her I co$%! $se so#eone to he%' cheer
#e $'" Its act$a%%y so#ethin) o& a ste' &or #e to a!#it I
nee! he%', to %et !o+n that ca'ab%e, I/can/han!%e/it
'ersona" I crie! a)ain on the +ay to the air'ort to 'ic*
her $', to$che! by her co#in), &ee%in) si#'%y sa! abo$t
e(erythin)" A &e+ !ays %ater, a&ter she! )one an! a&ter
that )reat =in!horn 6atherin) +ee*en!, I a)ain s'ent
the +ho%e !ay cryin), in the #ornin) +ith =rances, in the
a&ternoon +ith Dr" Cantor Fa 'sychothera'istG an! then
+ith Ha% Fac$'$nct$ristG 2 a%% #y thera'e$tic s$''ort
syste#" I thin* I &ina%%y )ot e1ha$ste! eno$)h to sto',
b$t rea%%y nothin) see#e! reso%(e!" I as*e! Dr" Cantor i&
this ha''ens to 'eo'%e so#eti#es 2 they carry thro$)h
+ith the thera'y rea%%y +e%%, thro$)h a%% the hair %oss an!
na$sea an! +ea*ness an! +orry an! then +hen its a%%
o(er they &a%% a'art" He sai!, in his t+enty/&i(e years o&
+or*in) +ith cancer 'atients, thats #ore tr$e than not"
Its the sa#e +ith ;en" He carrie! #e &or t+o years, '$t
#e !o+n, then &e%% a'art"
Certain%y I(e beco#e a+are o& %ots o& $nreso%(e!
&ee%in)s o& 'ain an! sorro+ an! &ear an! an)er that I
)$ess I &e%t I !i!nt ha(e the stren)th to !ea% +ith +hi%e
stee%in) #yse%& &or a treat#ent e(ery three +ee*s an!
han!%in) '$ttin) to)ether this ho$se" No+ its a%% co#in)
$'" I s$''ose its a )oo! thin), b$t its a%+ays har! to
see the )oo! +hen ones in the #i!!%e o& it" I can
inte%%ect$a%%y, as an abstract i!ea, see ho+ it #i)ht be
)oo!, b$t I s$re cant &$%%y &ee% it yet" A)ain, as* #e in
si1 #onths"
Theres a 'art o& #e that &ears that &a%%in) a'art no+
ne)ates ho+ +e%% I han!%e! a%% those #onths o& thera'y
intert+ine! +ith the stresses o& !oin) a ho$se" I
#entione! this to ;en an! he sai!, 0Thats e1act%y ho+ I
&ee%" Most%y, I a# so e#barrasse! by the sha'e I# in"0
Thats har! to sha*e" 3ears o& bein) co#'%i#ente! &or
bein) to$)h, &or bein) stea!y, ne(er co#'%i#ente! &or
%ettin) a%% those other &ee%in)s %i*e &ear an! !ee' sorro+
an! an)er co#e $'" When they !o 'art o& #e sti%% &ee%s
theyre ne)ati(e an! #i)ht #a*e other 'eo'%e thin* %ess
o& #e" B$t act$a%%y, the 'arts that thin* that ha(e
!i#inishe! in stren)th" Where once a %ot o& the c%o+ns
that to)ether #a*e $' #y 'ersona%ity Fa re&erence to
the #o(ie * Thousand (lo%ns, re&errin) to the n$#ero$s
s$b'ersona%ities or 0c%o+ns0 +e a%% ha(e +ithin $sG +ere
a&rai! o& sho+in) these 0ne)ati(e0 &ee%in)s, no+ theres
on%y an occasiona% c%o+n that carries that banner" That
c%o+n sti%% )ets to #e, o& co$rse, b$t I can stay #ore
a+are o& her &e%%o+s" Theres e(en so#e ne+ ones in
there that enco$ra)e so#eti#es &a%%in) a'art 2 'erha's
in the reb$i%!in) 'rocess so#e thin)s +i%% )et %e&t behin!,
ne+ characters can enter, an! the scri't &or a%% these
c%o+ns )ets re+ritten" I )et '$t bac* to)ether !i&&erent%y"
Reborn, as it +ere"
In the #eanti#e, ho+e(er, +e both ha! to )et #ore an!
#ore !e'resse!, #ore an! #ore ta*en a'art, #ore an!
#ore s#ashe! a)ainst circ$#stances an! o$r o+n ne$rotic
.$n*" There see#e! a certain ine(itabi%ity abo$t it a%%, the
necessary !eath that 'rece!es a%% rebirth" An! in #y case,
at this 'oint, it beca#e a >$estion o& .$st +hat *in! o&
!eath"
A%% ne1t !ay &e%t !e'resse! 2 tr$%y !e'resse!, not .$st
sa! or !o+n %i*e I so#eti#es )et" This +as so#ethin)
ne+ 2 an! scary" Di!nt &ee% %i*e ta%*in)" ;en +ont rea%%y
ans+er >$estions any+ay, !$%%, %ist%ess, no res'onse to
#y e&&orts to cheer hi# $'" Dont re#e#ber e(er &ee%in)
%i*e this" Si%ence, inabi%ity to care eno$)h to #a*e
!ecisions, no ener)y, I ans+er in #onosy%%abic res'onses
4i& any5 to >$estions"
The si#'%e tr$th o& the #atter is, I# .$st not ha''y
any#ore" I !ont &ee% #y o+n e1$berance an! (ita%ity" I
&ee% +orn !o+n by e(ents" I# tire!, #$ch !ee'er than a
'hysica% tire!ness" I &e%t ha''y an! )enera%%y $' &or the
&irst year o& cancer, so it +asnt ha(in) cancer that
necessari%y chan)e! #e" The shi&t !e&inite%y ca#e !$rin)
the che#othera'y 'erio!" 7hysica%%y the che#o +asnt
that ba!" B$t I to%! ;en, the ba! 'art +as that it &e%t %i*e
it +as 'oisonin) #y so$%, 'oisonin) #e not .$st
'hysica%%y b$t e#otiona%%y, 'sycho%o)ica%%y, an!
s'irit$a%%y" I .$st &ee% shot, tota%%y o$t o& contro%"
Ho+ I !o +ish ;en an! I ha! ha! a &e+ years to)ether
be&ore ha(in) to )o thro$)h a%% this" It is so sa!"
Abo$t &i(e !ays a)o I ha! t+o !rea#s" It +as the
ni)ht I notice! that I #i)ht be o($%atin)" In one !rea#
they ha! to c$t #ore o$t o& #y re#ainin) breast an! I
+as rea%%y $'set beca$se no+ it see#e! too s#a%%"
4Interestin) that I(e ne(er !rea#t abo$t ha(in) #y
other breast bac*, act$a%%y no !rea#s abo$t that
breast"5 In the secon! !rea# I +as in #y onco%o)ists
o&&ice an! as*e! hi# i& I! a%+ays be %i*e this, #eanin)
the %ac* o& estro)en an! (a)ina% !ryness" He sai! yes
an! I starte! screa#in) at hi#, screa#in) an!
screa#in), &$rio$s abo$t not ha(in) been +arne! abo$t
this in the be)innin), &$rio$s at a%% these !a#ne! !octors
+ho see# to thin* those *in!s o& thin)s are $ni#'ortant"
They treat the bo!y, not the 'erson" I +as abso%$te%y,
tota%%y, $ninhibite!%y &$rio$s, screa#in) an! screa#in)
an! screa#in)"
Dae#on, !ae#on, !ae#on" Witho$t it I &e%t %i*e I ha! no
co#'ass, no !irection, no +ay to &in! #y 'ath, #y &ate" It is
o&ten sai! that +hat +o#en 'ro(i!e &or #en is )ro$n!in),
+hat #en 'ro(i!e &or +o#en is !irection" I !ont +ant to
)et in(o%(e! in se1ist ar)$#ents o(er +hether that is tr$e
or not, b$t it !oes o&ten see# to be the case" In the 'ast
Treya ha! o&&ere! #e )ro$n!in), no+ I .$st &e%t )ro$n!e!"
As in, inca'ab%e o& &%i)ht" An! +hereas in the 'ast I ha!
o&&ere! Treya !irection, no+ I .$st o&&ere! her an ai#%ess
+an!erin) in !e'ressi(e circ%es"
Sat$r!ay starte! o$t +ith #y &ee%in) e1cite! abo$t
the chan)e in +eather 2 %o(e%y, bri)ht, s$nny" I
s$))este! to ;en that +e )o o$t &or br$nch to o$r
&a(orite resta$rant" At the resta$rant he +as stran)e%y
#orose" Sti%% !e'resse!, b$t so#eho+ !i&&erent" I as*e!
hi# i& anythin) +as +ron)" 0Its this +ritin) thin)" I *ee'
thin*in) that the !esire to +rite +i%% co#e bac*, b$t it
!oesnt see# to be" I *no+ this #a*es yo$ &ee% ba! too,
an! I# rea%%y sorry" Its .$st I cant &i)$re it o$t" I !ont
ha(e +riters b%oc*" Thats +hen yo$ +ant to +rite b$t
cant" I .$st !ont +ant to" I %oo* insi!e &or that cra8y
!ae#on an! it .$st !oesnt see# to be any+here in
si)ht" Most%y this &ri)htens #e"0
I +as &ee%in) so ba! &or hi#" ;en .$st see#s to )et
+orse an! +orse, co#'%ete%y tire! o& %i(in)" That ni)ht
+e ha! so#e 'eo'%e o(er to the ho$se, an! ;en
#ana)e! to str$))%e thro$)h .$st &ine, $nti% so#eone
as*e! abo$t his +ritin)" This +as a 'erson +ho# +e
!ont *no+ too +e%% b$t +ho is a )reat &an o& ;ens +or*,
ha! rea! e(erythin)" ;en sort o& brace! hi#se%&, an!
'o%ite%y e1'%aine! that he ha!nt rea%%y !one any
e1ten!e! +ritin) &or >$ite so#e ti#e, an! that he &e%t his
+ritin) 'erio! +as o(er, that he ha! been tryin) to +or*
$' a !esire to +rite &or a %on) ti#e, an! since there
!i!nt e(en see# to be a )%i##er o& it ret$rnin), he
&i)$re! it +as a%% o(er" This #an )ot rather $'set 2 ho+
!are the )reat ;en Wi%ber not +rite< as i& ;en o+e! hi#"
Then the #an sai!, 0What it #$st be %i*e to be ca%%e! the
'otentia%%y )reatest 'hi%oso'her o& conscio$sness since
=re$! an! then &ee% it e(a'oratin)"0 E(erybo!y %oo*e! at
;en" He sat (ery >$iet &or a %on) ti#e, starin) !irect%y at
the #an" 3o$ co$%! hear a 'in !ro'" He &ina%%y sai!,
0More &$n than a h$#an sho$%! be a%%o+e! to ha(e"0
One o& the #ain e&&ects o& #y !e'ression on Treya +as
that in ha(in) to !ea% +ith #e, or rather +ith the %ac* o& #e,
she ha! %itt%e stren)th an! e>$ani#ity %e&t o(er &or her o+n
'rob%e#s" The e(er/'resent &ears o& a rec$rrence, &ears that
she other+ise co$%! han!%e so +e%%, an! &ears that I +o$%!
or!inari%y ha(e he%'e! to absorb, no+ si#'%y ran thro$)h
her 'syche $nchec*e!"
Mon!ay ni)ht" The 'ain is rea%%y ba!" I +o*e $' at
H-00 A"M" +ith 'ain rea%%y intense" Its been %i*e this &or a
+ee*" Aery s'eci&ic, !e&inite 'ain" Can be i)nore! no
%on)er" I thin* its a rec$rrence 2 bone #etastasis 2 +hat
e%se co$%! it be< I& I co$%! on%y thin* o& so#ethin) e%se it
co$%! be " " " b$t I cant" 6ettin) +orse" Tho$)hts o&
!eath" I #i)ht !ie soon"
Oh #y 6o!, ho+ can this be< I# on%y thirty/ei)ht 2
its not &air, not so soon9 At %east )i(e #e a chance to
#a*e it $' to ;en &irst, to hea% the ra(a)es to his o+n %i&e
o& !ea%in) +ith #y cancer a%#ost since +e #et" At %east
he%' #e to !o that" Hes batt%e/torn an! +eary, the
tho$)ht o& yet another a)oni8in) ro$n! on both o& $s is
$nbearab%e"
Oh, 6o!, I #i)ht !ie in this (ery ho$se" I cant e(en
bear the tho$)ht o& %osin) #y hair a)ain" So soon 2 too
soon 2 its on%y been &o$r an! a ha%& #onths since #y
%ast treat#ent, on%y t+o #onths since I(e ha! eno$)h
hair 4bare%y5 to sto' +earin) those !a#ne! hats" I +ant
this to be o(er so I can he%' ;en )et bac* on his &eet,
start the Cancer S$''ort Co##$nity, )et on +ith #y %i&e
an! he%' others" Oh 6o!, '%ease %et this be a &a%se a%ar#"
Let it be anythin) b$t cancer" At %east %et #e reco(er
#ore be&ore I )et *noc*e! !o+n a)ain"
As I beca#e #ore an! #ore bitter an! resent&$% an!
sarcastic 2 an! !e'resse! an! e1ha$ste! 2 Treya +as
beco#in) #ore an! #ore !e&ensi(e, obsessi(e, !e#an!in),
e(en )ratin)" We +ere both terri&ie! o& +hat +as
ha''enin), +e both sa+ that +e +ere contrib$tin) #ore or
%ess e>$a%%y to the #ess, an! neither o& $s ha! the stren)th
to sto' it"
A &e+ !ays %ater, Treya hit botto#" We both !i!"
Last e(enin) ;en ta%*e! abo$t #y )ettin) o$t an!
!oin) thin)s I# intereste! in, !istancin) #yse%& &ro# his
'rob%e#s" In e&&ect, he sai! sa(e yo$rse%&, this has been
)oin) on &or a %on) ti#e &or hi# an! it !oesnt see# to
be )ettin) any better an! that !oes not a$)$r +e%%" I &e%t
(ery sa! that e(enin), e(en crie! a bit >$iet%y ne1t to
hi# b$t he !i!nt notice it" That ni)ht I co$%!nt s%ee',
*e't &ee%in) %i*e cryin)" =ina%%y )ot $' an! t$rne! on the
TA $'stairs so I co$%! cry +itho$t hi# hearin) #e" I &e%t
terrib%e, %i*e I! r$ine! ;ens %i&e, an! here he +as te%%in)
#e to sa(e #yse%&, %i*e I sho$%! .$#' aboar! so#e
%i&eboat an! %ea(e his %istin) shi'" I &e%t %i*e e(erythin) I
!o h$rts hi#, #y (ery 'ersona%ity an! character traits
)i(e hi# )reat 'ain an! in!ee! are the #ain reason hes
+orn !o+n so o(er the %ast year" I &e%t %i*e so#e terrib%e
se'aration +as ha''enin)"
Ri)ht no+ I &ee% tota%%y con&$se! an! he%'%ess" Li*e
I(e &$c*e! e(erythin) $' 2 tota%%y r$ine! #y s+eet ;ens
%i&e" I &ee% %i*e I(e !one this to hi# 2 $n+ittin)%y, to be
s$re 2 an! it )i(es #e such great pain" I !ont *no+ ho+
to re'air it" I !ont +ant to &$rther b$r!en hi# +ith #y
'ain" I !ont tr$st #yse%& 2 I !ont tr$st +hat I &ee% 2 I &ee%
%i*e e(erythin) I !o #ay h$rt hi#" I$st bein) #yse%&
see#s to h$rt hi#, beca$se I .$st see# to be too yan),
too st$bborn, too contro%%in), too insensiti(e, too se%&ish
&or hi#" Maybe I nee! so#eone si#'%er, %ess sensiti(e,
%ess inte%%i)ent, so they +ont be h$rt by the +ay I a#"
An! #aybe he nee!s so#eone e%se, so#eone #ore
)ent%e an! &e#inine an! sensiti(e" 6o!, +hat 'ain that
tho$)ht )i(es #e"
I !ont tr$st #yse%& any#ore" E(erythin) I !o see#s
to )i(e hi# 'ain" I& I share #y concern, I &ee% 'erha's I
sho$%! instea! be actin) 'ositi(e an! a&&ir#ati(e" E(en
no+ I share #y intense tears on%y +ith #yse%&" I !ont
tr$st the#" Is it .$st #e contin$in) to !ra+ attention to
#yse%& +hen hes the one +ho nee!s attention< I$st #e
&ee%in) sorry &or #yse%&, $nab%e to rea%%y &ee% his nee!s< I&
I share, +ont I be %eanin) on hi#, !e#an!in) so#ethin)
&ro# hi# +hen he hasnt )ot it to )i(e, rather than
s$''ortin) an! he%'in) hi#< I !ont e(en tr$st #yse%&
any#ore" I ha(e interna% ta%*s bein) #a! at ;en,
thin*in) abo$t bein) a%one an! ho+ si#'%e that +as" I
rea%i8e ho+ I ha(e no one to ta%* to an! I ha(ent share!
any o& #y #ost scary tho$)hts +ith anyone" I $se! to !o
that +ith ;en a%% the ti#e, b$t no+ it see#s I(e +orn
hi# !o+n +ith #y !e#an!s an! co#'%aints an!
st$bbornness" I& I cant ta%* to ;en abo$t these &ee%in)s,
an! I(e been tryin) har! to s'are hi#, then I ha(e no
one ri)ht no+ I can be rea%%y honest +ith" I r$n thro$)h
#y &rien!s an! &in!, rea%%y, no one I can ta%* to %i*e that"
I# a&rai! I# r$inin) #y #arria)e"
Rea!in) that thin) in the (ourse in $iracles toni)ht
as*in) &or 6o!s he%' 2 .$st the +ay I &ee%, I cant !o it
#yse%&, I &$c* it $', please he%' #e, sho+ #e the +ay,
any +ay" Dont %et ;en )et h$rt any #ore" When I thin*
o& +hat he +as once %i*e, the %a$)hter, the +it, the
char#, the %o(e o& %i&e, the 'assion &or his +or* 2 !ear
6o!, please he%' hi#"
I can ne(er *no+ ho+ har! it #$st ha(e been &or hi#
to stan! by #e thro$)h a%% this, o$r not e(en *no+in)
each other &or that %on)" He carrie! #e on his bac* &or so
%on)" I can ne(er *no+"
The 'ain &or both o& $s +as si#'%y $nen!$rab%e" The
'sychic an)$ish see#e! in&inite, it h$rt so ba! it see#e! to
s$c* yo$r entire bein) bac* in on itse%&, yo$ see#e! to
!isa''ear entire%y into a b%ac* ho%e o& 'ain, &ro# +hich
nothin) co$%! esca'e, not e(en yo$r breath"
The )reater the %o(e, the )reater the 'ain" O$r %o(e ha!
been enor#o$s, the 'ain +as 'ro'ortionate" O$t o& that
'ain )re+ resent#ent, an)er, bitterness, b%a#e"
I cant he%' b$t resent ho+ hes chan)e!" He sai! hes
sto''e! !oin) so#e o& the n$rt$rin) thin)s &or #e
beca$se he +as e1ha$ste!" I s$''ose I thin* he sto''e!
beca$se he +as #a! at #e" There are ti#es I &ee% (ery
$n&or)i(en by hi#, 'erha's beca$se I ha(ent &or)i(en
#yse%&" B$t I# mad at hi#, a %on) s%o+ b$rn, #a! at
hi# &or %ettin) hi#se%& )et in this sha'e, #a! at hi# &or
his constant sni!eness an! tone o& (oice 2 his constant
sni!eness9 2 #a! at hi# bein) so !i&&ic$%t at ti#es9 I
+orry abo$t hi# %ea(in) #e, then I thin* I sho$%! .$st
%ea(e hi#, )o it a%one a)ain, o$t in the co$ntry, by
#yse%&" Ho+ si#'%e" Ho+ nice"
Neither one o& $s co$%! s%ee' %ast ni)ht an! so +e ha!
a ta%*" Ta%*e! o& ho+ I thin* o& %ea(in) hi# so#eti#es,
o&ten at ti#es" Ho+ I &ee% I !ont see# to be ab%e to
chan)e eno$)h to #a*e hi# ha''y" He sai! he o&ten
thin*s abo$t %ea(in) #e too" 6$esse! he! 'robab%y )o
to Boston" At one 'oint he )ot o$t o& be! 2 these ta%*s
)et $s both +ire! 2 an! sai! yo$ can ha(e Tahn Fo$r
!o)G" When he ca#e bac* I sai! I !i!nt +ant Tahn, I
+ant yo$" He sat !o+n an! %oo*e! at #e, tears in his
eyes, I starte! cryin), b$t neither one o& $s #o(e!"
Neither one o& $s &ee%s %i*e +e can )o on" I +ant to
&or)i(e hi#, b$t #aybe I cant no+, #aybe I# too
an)ry" An! I *no+ he hasnt &or)i(en #e" I !ont e(en
thin* he %i*es #e"
The ne1t !ay I !ro(e to An!ys" It see#e! that
e(erythin) that co$%! )o so$r, ha!" E(erythin) in %i&e ha!
)one &%at, there +as no taste %e&t in any e1'erience, there
+as nothin) I +ante!, nothin) I !esire!, nothin) I %oo*e!
&or+ar! to, e1ce't )ettin) o$t" Its har! to !escribe ho+
$tter%y !ar* the +or%! can %oo* at ti#es %i*e that"
As I sai!, o$r o+n in!i(i!$a% ne$roses +ere s$r&acin),
e1a))erate! an! a#'%i&ie! by o$r &air%y )ris%y
circ$#stances" In #y case, +hen I beco#e a&rai!, +hen
&ear o(erco#es #e, #y or!inary %i)htness o& o$t%oo*, +hich
)enero$s%y #i)ht be re&erre! to as +it, !e)enerates into
sarcas# an! sni!eness, a bitin) bitterness to+ar!s those
aro$n! #e 2 not beca$se I a# sni!e by nat$re, b$t beca$se
I a# a&rai!" Dn!er these circ$#stances, I a# no !ay at the
beach" I en! $' +ith Oscar Wi%!es e'ithet- 0He has no
ene#ies b$t is intense%y !is%i*e! by a%% his &rien!s"0
An! in Treyas case, +hen o(erco#e +ith &ear, her
resi%ient stren)th +o$%! !e)enerate into ri)i!ity, into a
harsh st$bbornness, an atte#'t to contro% an! #ono'o%i8e"
An! in!ee! that is +hat +as ha''enin)" Beca$se I
co$%!nt e1'ress #y an)er at Treya o'en%y an! !irect%y, I
constant%y $n!erc$t her +ith sarcas#" An! in her
$nyie%!in)ness, she ha! #ono'o%i8e! #ost o& the centra%
!ecisions in both o& o$r %i(es" I &e%t I ha! no contro% o(er #y
%i&e at a%%, beca$se Treya a%+ays ha! the tr$#' car!- 0B$t I
ha(e cancer"0
We 'o%ari8e! o$r &rien!s, hers &ee%in) that I +as
!e&inite%y the ba! )$y, #e tryin) to con(ince #ine ho+
$tter%y i#'ossib%e she +as to %i(e +ith" An! +e +ere both
ri)ht" A&ter Treya ha! )one to a three/!ay retreat +ith t+o
o& her best &rien!s 2 !$rin) +hich ti#e she #a!e the#,
a#on) other thin)s, !ress o$tsi!e the roo# so as to )i(e
her an e1tra ha%&/ho$r o& s%ee' 2 they too* #e asi!e an!
sai!, 0Shes so contro%%in), ho+ !o yo$ %i(e +ith her a%% the
ti#e< We bare%y #a!e it thro$)h three !ays"0 An!
&re>$ent%y a&ter e(enin)s +ith &a#i%y or &rien!s, they +o$%!
'$%% Treya asi!e an! say, 0Ho+ !o yo$ '$t $' +ith hi#<
Hes %i*e a coi%e! ratt%esna*e" Does he hate e(erybo!y<0
Sni!eness co%%i!e! +ith $nyie%!in)ness, an! the res$%t
+as !estroyin) $s both" We !i!nt hate each other, +e
hate! each others ne$rotic c%o+ns, +hich see#e! %oc*e!
into so#e sort o& !eath s'ira% 2 the +orse one o& $s )ot, the
+orse the other reacte!"
The on%y +ay to brea* this !is#a% cyc%e +as to brea* into
the ne$rotic co#'onent" A&ter a%%, there +asnt #$ch +e
co$%! !o abo$t circ$#stances or abo$t o$r act$a% i%%nesses"
An! +e +ere both thera'ists eno$)h to *no+ that the on%y
+ay to crac* ne$rotic !e'ression is to )et in to$ch +ith the
ra)e %$r*in) beneath its s$r&ace" B$t ho+ !o yo$ )et
enra)e! at so#eone +ith cancer< An! ho+ !o yo$ )et
&$rio$s +ith a #an +ho stoo! by yo$ thro$)h thic* an! thin
&or t+o years<
So#eho+ a%% o& this +as )oin) thro$)h #y #in! as I
+a%*e! into An!ys" I %oo*e! at the (ario$s )$ns &or 'erha's
ha%& an ho$r" What +o$%! it be, han!)$n or shot)$n< A
He#in)+ay, I thin*, +hich +i%% a%so re>$ire so#e stron)
+ire" The #ore I +a%*e! thro$)h the store, the #ore
a)itate! I )ot, the an)rier I )ot" It &ina%%y !a+ne! on #e" I
!i! in!ee! +ant to *i%% so#eone" It +asnt #e"
Bac* at the ho$se, it a%% ca#e to a hea!" I ha! seate!
#yse%& at #y !es* in the %i(in) roo#, an! +as +or*in) on
so#e $na(oi!ab%e b$siness" Treya ca#e in +ith a
ne+s'a'er an! be)an sh$&&%in) thro$)h it" I sho$%! 'oint
o$t that +e ha! se(era% e1tra roo#s in the ho$se, b$t in
one o& her &ri)htene! an! #ono'o%i8in) #o#ents, Treya
ha! +ante! the# &or her '$r'oses 4t+o o&&ices an! a
st$!io5" I ha! b%ithe%y a)ree! 4be nice to the cancer 'atient5"
I ha! the bar re#o(e! at one en! o& the %i(in) roo# an! set
$' #y o&&ice there" This +as the one s'ace in the ho$se
that I ca%%e! #ine 2 it +as a%so the on%y s'ace in #y %i&e I &e%t
I sti%% ha! contro% o(er 2 an! since it !i!nt ha(e a !oor, I
+as (ery territoria% abo$t +ho ca#e into the %i(in) roo#
+hen I +as +or*in)"
0Wo$%! yo$ #in! %ea(in), '%ease, that ne+s'a'er noise
is !ri(in) #e n$ts"0
0B$t I %i*e to rea! the 'a'er here" Its #y &a(orite '%ace
&or that" I rea%%y %oo* &or+ar! to it"0
0Its #y o&&ice" 3o$ ha(e three other roo#s that are
yo$rs" =in! one"0
0No"0
0No< No< Is that +hat yo$ sai!< Loo*, nobo!y is a%%o+e!
in this roo# +hen I# +or*in) +ho !oesnt ha(e hi)her
than a thir!/)ra!e e!$cation or +ho cant rea! a )o!!a#n
ne+s'a'er +itho$t #o(in) their %i's"0
0I hate it +hen yo$re sni!e" I# )oin) to rea! #y
ne+s'a'er"0
I )ot $' an! +a%*e! o(er to her" 06et o$t"0
0No"0
We starte! ye%%in), %o$!er an! %o$!er, screa#in), re!/
&ace! an! &$rio$s"
06et o$t, yo$ )o!!a#n obno1io$s bitch90
06et o$t yo$rse%&90
I hit her" A)ain" An! a)ain" I *e't ho%%erin) 06et o$t,
)o!!a#nit, )et o$t90 I *e't stri*in) her, she *e't
screa#in), 0Sto' hittin) #e9 Sto' hittin) #e90
We &ina%%y co%%a'se! on the so&a" I ha! ne(er hit a +o#an
be&ore, an! +e both *ne+ it"
0I# %ea(in),0 I &ina%%y sai!" 0I# )oin) bac* to San
=rancisco" I hate this '%ace" I hate +hat +ere !oin) to each
other here" 3o$ can co#e or yo$ can stay" Its $' to yo$"0
5+od, it's beautiful= Loo! at that= ,t's absolutely
beautiful=5 , am tal!ing to no one in particular3 With my
small penlight , ha#e slo%ly made my %ay to the second
room, and as , stand loo!ing into it, , am totally capti#ated
by %hat , see3 The first thought that comes to mind is,
)den3 This is the +arden of )den3
Starting on the left, %here a large des! should ha#e
been, and stretching out as far as , can see, is a dense
8ungle, lush, thic!, moist, a thousand shades of richest
green, %ildlife roaming casually through the mists3 ,n the
center of this e2pansi#e forest is a huge tree, its uppermost
branches reaching into the rain clouds abo#e it, bac!lit by
occasional sunlight3 ,t is so idyllic, so peaceful, so in#iting,
so absolutely capti#ating that ,3 3 3
5Step this %ay please35
5What6 , beg your pardon65
5Step this %ay please35
5Who are you6 Don't touch me= Who are you65
5Step this %ay please3 , thin! you are lost35
5,'m not lost3 Treya's lost3 Loo!, you ha#en't seen a
%oman, ha#e you, #ery beautiful, blond %oman about3335
5,f you're not lost, then %here are you65
5Well, .K, , thought , %as in my house but3335
5Step this %ay please35
Loo*in) bac* on it, Treya an! I both &e%t that inci!ent
+as a cr$cia% t$rnin) 'oint, not beca$se stri*in) a 'erson is
so#ethin) to be 'ro$! o&, b$t si#'%y beca$se it sho+e! $s
ho+ rea%%y !es'erate +e both +ere" =or Treyas 'art, she
be)an %ettin) $' on her #ono'o%i8in) ten!encies, not
beca$se she tho$)ht I +o$%! hit her a)ain, b$t beca$se she
be)an to rea%i8e ho+ #$ch those )ras'in) ten!encies +ere
base! on &ear" =or #y 'art, I +as %earnin) the !e%icate tas*
o& estab%ishin) bo$n!aries an! anno$ncin) nee!s +ith
so#eone +ho has a 'otentia%%y ter#ina% i%%ness"
Hes &i)htin) no+ &or his o+n s'ace, not bein) so
acco##o!atin), an! its re&reshin) beca$se I !ont ha(e
to e1'en! so #$ch ener)y +on!erin) or )$essin) +hat
+o$%! rea%%y #a*e hi# ha''y an! then &ee%in) )$i%ty i& I
)et it +ron)" As I once nee!e! hi# to $ncon!itiona%%y
s$''ort #e 4+hich he !i!95, I no+ nee! hi# to '$sh
a)ainst #e, es'ecia%%y beca$se I# rather st$bborn" He
nee!s to *ee' '$shin) $nti% I %et )o i& its i#'ortant to
hi#"
=ro# that 'oint on, thin)s )ot better an! better, s%o+%y"
We sti%% ha! #$ch +or* to !o 2 +e ha! both starte! seein)
o$r o%! &rien! Sey#o$r Boorstein &or co$'%es thera'y, an! it
+o$%! be another year or so o& +or* be&ore thin)s +ere
bac* to nor#a% 2 +hich #eant, bac* to the e1traor!inary
%o(e that +e ha! a%+ays ha! &or each other, a %o(e that ha!
ne(er !ie!, b$t a %o(e that ha! s'ent the better 'art o& a
year s$b#er)e! in $nre%entin) 'ain"
17
A 2ime to 1ea&
HELLO, MR" WILBER<0 I +as sittin) on the !ec* o& o$r
ne+%y rente! ho$se in Mi%% Aa%%ey, starin) 'eace&$%%y b$t
rather b%an*%y into the !ense re!+oo! trees, &or +hich the
area +as &a#o$s"
03es"0
0My na#e is E!ith L$n!e%" I a# &ro# Bonn, West
6er#any" My h$sban!, Ro%&, an! I are !oin) a boo* o&
inter(ie+s +ith a !o8en or so a(ant/)ar!e 'sycho%o)ists
&ro# aro$n! the +or%!" I +o$%! %i*e to inter(ie+ yo$"0
0I a''reciate that, E!ith, b$t I !ont !o inter(ie+s" B$t
than*s, an! )oo! %$c*"0
0I a# stayin) +ith =rances Aa$)han an! Ro)er Wa%sh" I
ha(e co#e a %on) +ay an! I +o$%! rea%%y %i*e to be ab%e to
ta%* +ith yo$, '%ease" It nee!nt ta*e %on)"0
Three s>$irre%s +ere .$#'in) bac* an! &orth bet+een
t+o enor#o$s re!+oo!s" I +as tryin) to &i)$re o$t i& they
+ere '%ayin), #atin), ro#ancin), +hat<
0Heres the thin), E!ith" I !eci!e! a %on) ti#e a)o not to
)i(e inter(ie+s or in any +ay a''ear in '$b%ic as a teacher"
The reason, other than the &act that I )et ner(o$s !oin)
that, is that 'eo'%e ten! to #a*e #e o$t as so#e sort o&
#aster or )$r$ or teacher, an! I# not" In In!ia they #a*e a
!istinction bet+een a 'an!it an! a )$r$" A 'an!it FA#erican
0'$n!it0G is a si#'%e scho%ar, or 'ossib%y a scho%ar/
'ractitioner, a 'erson +ho st$!ies s$ch to'ics as yo)a, an!
'ossib%y 'ractices the# as +e%%, b$t +ho isnt en%i)htene!" A
)$r$ is an en%i)htene! #aster an! teacher" I# a 'an!it, not
a )$r$" When it co#es to 'ractice, I# a be)inner %i*e
anybo!y e%se" So I(e )i(en #aybe &o$r inter(ie+s in the
%ast &i&teen years" I%% so#eti#es ans+er +ritten >$estions,
b$t thats abo$t it"0
0I can a''reciate that, Mr" Wi%ber, b$t the synthesis that
yo$ ha(e !e(e%o'e! o& Eastern an! Western 'sycho%o)ies is
$ni>$e%y yo$rs, an! I +o$%! %i*e to ta%* to yo$ as a scho%ar,
not a )$r$" 3o$r +or*s are (ery in&%$entia% in 6er#any, yo$
*no+" 3o$ ha(e ha! a #a.or i#'act, not .$st on &rin)e
areas, b$t in #ainstrea# aca!e#ic circ%es" A%% ten o& yo$r
boo*s ha(e been trans%ate! into 6er#an"0
The three s>$irre%s ha! !isa''eare! into the !ense
+oo!s"
03es, #y boo*s are bi) hits in 6er#any an! Ia'an"0 I
!eci!e! to see i& she ha! a sense o& h$#or" 03o$ *no+, the
t+o 'eace&$% co$ntries"0
E!ith %a$)he! &or a %on) ti#e, then sai!, 0At %east +e
a''reciate )eni$s +hen +e see it"0
0Ma! )eni$s, #aybe" My +i&e an! I ha(e ha! so#e
'retty ro$)h ti#es"0
I +on!ere! i& there +ere s$ch a thin) as a s>$irre% ca%%"
Here, s>$irre%%y s>$irre%%y" " " "
0=rances an! Ro)er to%! #e abo$t Terry" I# (ery sorry"
It see#s so $tter%y sense%ess"0
There +as so#ethin) co#'%ete%y en!earin) abo$t E!ith,
e(en on the 'hone" Litt%e !i! I *no+ at the ti#e +hat a
cr$cia% ro%e she +o$%! '%ay in o$r &$t$re"
0O;, E!ith, co#e on o(er this a&ternoon" We%% ta%*"0
Treya an! I ha! #o(e! bac* to the Bay Area, to the
s#a%% to+n o& Mi%% Aa%%ey, bac* to o$r &rien!s, bac* to o$r
!octors, bac* to o$r s$''ort syste#s" The entire Tahoe
#o(e ha! been a !isaster, an! +e +ere both sti%%
reco(erin)" B$t the corner ha! been t$rne!" E(en in Tahoe
2 once +e #a!e the !ecision to %ea(e 2 thin)s ha! be)$n to
i#'ro(e" Treya, in 'artic$%ar, ha! be)$n to re)ain her
a#a8in) e>$ani#ity an! stren)th" She ha! starte!
#e!itatin) a)ain, an!, as I sai! ear%ier, +e both ha! starte!
seein) Sey#o$r &or co$'%es thera'y, so#ethin) +e sho$%!
ha(e !one on !ay one"
An! so the si#'%e %essons starte! co#in) ho#e to $s,
be)innin) +ith acce'tance an! &or)i(eness" As the (ourse
in $iracles '$t it-
What co$%! yo$ +ant that &or)i(eness cannot )i(e<
Do yo$ +ant 'eace< =or)i(eness o&&ers it" Do yo$ +ant
ha''iness, a >$iet #in!, a certainty o& '$r'ose, an! a
sense o& +orth an! bea$ty that transcen!s the +or%!< Do
yo$ +ant care an! sa&ety, an! the +ar#th o& s$re
'rotection a%+ays< Do yo$ +ant a >$ietness that cannot
be !ist$rbe!, a )ent%eness that ne(er can be h$rt, a
!ee' abi!in) co#&ort, an! a rest so 'er&ect it can ne(er
be $'set<
A%% this &or)i(eness o&&ers yo$ an! #ore"
=or)i(eness o&&ers e(erythin) I +ant"
To!ay I ha(e acce'te! this as tr$e"
To!ay I ha(e recei(e! the )i&ts o& 6o!"
I a%+ays %i*e! the (ourse's re%iance $'on &or)i(eness as
a +ay to re#e#ber the tr$e Se%&" This is a so#e+hat $ni>$e
a''roach, &o$n! in &e+ o& the other )reat +is!o# tra!itions,
+hich $s$a%%y stress so#e &or# o& a+areness traini) or
!e(otion" B$t the theory behin! &or)i(eness is si#'%e- The
e)o, the se'arate/se%& sense, is not .$st a co)niti(e
constr$ct, b$t a%so an a&&ecti(e one" That is, it is 'ro''e! $'
not .$st by conce'ts b$t by e#otions" An! the 'ri#a%
e#otion o& the e)o, accor!in) to this teachin), is &ear
&o%%o+e! by resent#ent" As the D'anisha!s '$t it,
0Where(er there is other, there is &ear"0
In other +or!s, +hene(er +e s'%it sea#%ess a+areness
into a s$b.ect (ers$s an ob.ect, into a se%& (ers$s an other,
then that se%& &ee%s &ear, si#'%y beca$se there are no+ so
#any 0others0 o$t there that can har# it" O$t o& this &ear
)ro+s resent#ent" I& +e are )oin) to insist on i!enti&yin)
+ith .$st the %itt%e se%& in here, then others are )oin) to
br$ise it, ins$%t it, in.$re it" The e)o, then, is *e't in
e1istence by a co%%ection o& e#otiona% ins$%ts, it carries its
'ersona% br$ises as the &abric o& its (ery e1istence" It
acti(e%y co%%ects h$rts an! ins$%ts, e(en +hi%e resentin)
the#, beca$se +itho$t its br$ises, it +o$%! be, %itera%%y,
nothin)"
The e)os &irst #ane$(er in !ea%in) +ith this resent#ent
is to try to )et others to con&ess their &a$%ts" 03o$ h$rt #e,
say yo$re sorry"0 So#eti#es this #a*es the e)o
te#'orari%y &ee% better, b$t !oes nothin) to $'root the
ori)ina% ca$se" An!, as o&ten as not, e(en i& the 'erson !oes
a'o%o)i8e, the %i*e%y res$%t is no+ hatre! o& the#" 0I *ne+
yo$ !i! that to #e, see, yo$ .$st a!#itte! it90 The
&$n!a#enta% #oo! o& the e)o- ne(er &or)i(e, ne(er &or)et"
What the e)o !oesnt try is &or)i(eness, beca$se that
+o$%! $n!er#ine its (ery e1istence" To &or)i(e others &or
ins$%ts, rea% or i#a)ine!, is to +ea*en the bo$n!ary
bet+een se%& an! other, to !isso%(e the sense o& se'aration
bet+een s$b.ect an! ob.ect" An! th$s, +ith &or)i(eness,
a+areness ten!s to %et )o o& the e)o an! its ins$%ts, an!
re(ert instea! to the Witness, the Se%&, +hich (ie+s both
s$b.ect an! ob.ect e>$a%%y" An! th$s, accor!in) to the
(ourse, &or)i(eness is the +ay I %et )o o& #y se%& an!
re#e#ber #y Se%&"
I &o$n! this 'ractice e1tre#e%y $se&$%, es'ecia%%y +hen I
!i!nt ha(e the ener)y to #e!itate" My e)o +as so br$ise!,
so in.$re! 2 I ha! co%%ecte! so #any ins$%ts 4rea% or
i#a)ine!5 2 that &or)i(eness a%one co$%! be)in to $ncoi% the
'ain o& #y o+n se%&/contraction" The #ore I )ot 0h$rt,0 the
#ore contracte! I )ot, +hich #a!e the e1istence o&
0others0 a%% the #ore 'ain&$%, +hich #a!e br$ises a%% the
#ore %i*e%y" An! i& I &e%t I co$%!nt &or)i(e others &or their
0insensiti(ity0 4in other +or!s, the 'ain ca$se! by #y o+n
se%&/contractin) ten!encies5 then I $se! another a&&ir#ation
&ro# the (ourse- 06o! is the %o(e +ith +hich I &or)i(e"0
An! as &or Treya, she be)an a 'ro&o$n! 'sycho%o)ica%
shi&t, an inner shi&t that be)an to reso%(e +hat she &e%t +as
the #ost centra% an! !i&&ic$%t iss$e in her %i&e, a shi&t that
+o$%! reach &r$ition abo$t a year %ater +hen she chan)e!
her na#e &ro# Terry to Treya, a shi&t that &or her #eant-
&ro# !oin) to bein)"
Hooray9 #y 'erio! ret$rne!" Maybe I can ha(e ;ens
chi%! a&ter a%%9 Thin)s are certain%y startin) to %oo* $'" My
ener)ys bac* to +here I &ee% %i*e r$nnin) a)ain" The
#o#ents o& rea% e1$berance an! .oy see# to co#e #ore
o&ten, #ore %i*e be&ore, b$t at the sa#e ti#e I a%so &ee%
#yse%& to be #$ch ca%#er than be&ore an! 'artic$%ar%y
#$ch %ess reacti(e to )enera% sit$ations" Li&e see#s to
be e(enin) o$t"" " "
O& a%% thin)s" T$rns o$t ;en has so#e sort o& (ira%
in&ection that he 'robab%y ca$)ht %ast year in Inc%ine" Dr"
Be%*na' !isco(ere! it in an e1tensi(e b%oo! 'ane% 2 the
sa#e !octor that !isco(ere! #y %$#'" ;en +as s*e'tica%
2 he tho$)ht it +as #a.or !e'ression 2 so he ha! t+o
other !octors chec* it o$t, an! they a%% ca#e $' +ith the
sa#e !ia)nosis" ;en sto''e! inter'retin) his e1ha$stion
as !e'ression, an! a%#ost o(erni)ht his o$t%oo*
chan)e!, as yo$ can i#a)ine9 He sti%% has so#e an1iety 2
hes 'retty b$rne! by the +ho%e or!ea% 2 b$t the #a.or
!e'ression .$st !isa''eare! +ith the correct !ia)nosis"
He sti%% has the (ir$s 2 a''arent%y its not conta)io$s 2
b$t hes %earnin) ho+ to #ana)e it, so his ener)ys
co#in) bac*" 6o! +hat he #$st ha(e )one thro$)h,
ha(in) that thin) an! not *no+in) it9 To%! #e ho+ he
ca#e c%ose to s$ici!e, +hich rea%%y scare! #e" The on%y
reason I ha(e e(er been a&rai! o& cancer is that I !ont
+ant to %ea(e ;en" I& he ha! !one that, I !ont *no+ +hat
I +o$%! ha(e !one" Maybe &o%%o+e! s$it, thats ho+ I &e%t
at the ti#e"
One o& the )oo! thin)s that has co#e o$t o& %ast year
is that I &in! #y 'er&ectionis# has !ie! !o+n
consi!erab%y" Its a c%o+n that has )i(en #e a %ot o&
tro$b%e an! '%ays a %ar)e ro%e in #y scor'ion o& se%&/
criticis#" I# a%+ays +or*in) on #yse%& 2 a 0)ainin)0 i!ea
that certain%y i#'%ies I# not a%% ri)ht the +ay I a#"
So#eho+ seein) that as'ect o& #yse%& at +or* in the
#ateria% +or%! 2 %i*e !oin) the Tahoe ho$se, a%% the %itt%e
!etai%s that ha! to be 0.$st ri)ht0 2 an! seein) ho+ #$ch
tro$b%e its )i(en #e has he%'e! !i#inish that se%&/
!estr$cti(e !ri(e" I# #$ch #ore +i%%in) no+ to acce't
thin)s as they are" A%% the )rie& I(e )one thro$)h
beca$se o& #y ri)i!ity, the i!ea that thin)s sho$%! be
.$st ri)ht, .$st so" So, so +hat< Li&e in this #ateria% +or%!,
not to #ention the 'sycho%o)ica%, is &ra$)ht +ith
!i&&ic$%ties, i& +e can )et thin)s to be O;, then thats
eno$)h" 7er&ect on%y %ea!s to 'rob%e#s" I& +e trie! to
#a*e e(erythin) 'er&ect0, then (ery %itt%e +o$%! be !one"
We! s'en! a%% o$r ti#e on !etai%s 4one o& #y
'ro'ensities5 an! %ose si)ht o& the broa!er 'ict$re, the
#eanin) o& it a%%" So I stri(e %ess &or 'er&ection, #ore at
seein) ho+ I can he%' thin)s +or* o$t to be O;, an!
#ore &or acce'tance an! &or)i(eness"
I# a%so &ee%in) #ore h$#i%ity %ate%y" I# seein) #ore
c%ear%y ho+ the thin)s I# !ea%in) +ith in #y %i&e, the
'rob%e#s that co#e $' in #y &rien!shi's an! in #y
#arria)e, #y inter'ersona% 'rob%e#s, #y !o$bts an!
&ears, 'rob%e#s +ith #oney, >$estions o(er ho+ to
contrib$te to the +or%!, $ncertainty o(er +hat #y ca%%in)
is, +antin) to &in! #eanin) in a%% the 'ain +e )o
thro$)h " " " ho+ a%% o& that st$&& is a%#ost e1act%y %i*e the
thin)s e(eryone e%se is +or*in) +ith" I thin* theres
a%+ays been a 'art o& #e that &e%t %i*e the %itt%e )ir% in the
+hite ho$se on the hi%%, that so#eho+ the r$%es +erent
#eant &or #e, that I +as !i&&erent" What I# !isco(erin)
thro$)h a%% this is ho+ I# not !i&&erent, ho+ #y iss$es
are archety'a% iss$es that other h$#ans ha(e been
+or*in) +ith &or cent$ries" An! the &ee%in) that co#es
&ro# that is a ne+ *in! o& h$#i%ity, a ne+ %e(e% o&
acce'tance o& thin)s as they are, a ne+ sense o&
o*ayness abo$t thin)s bein) as they are" An! 2 +hich is
nice 2 a )reater sense o& connecte!ness +ith others, %i*e
+ere a%% 'arts o& one bein) +or*in) on these iss$es an!
)ro+in) thro$)h that 'rocess" Li*e I# not !i&&erent a%so
#eans I# not se'arate"
Its %i*e #y &oc$s has narro+e! in so#e sense to .$st
%i(in) &or no+" I &ee% #ore re%a1e! abo$t !oin) +hat I#
!oin), e(en i& it !oesnt satis&y #y achie(er
s$b'ersona%ity" I# )ettin) into si#'%y !oin) +hat there
is to !o" I$st %ettin) so#e o& that i#'atience !ro' a+ay
an! cho''in) the 'artic$%ar stac* o& +oo! thats in &ront
o& #e, not chasin) a&ter another one, an! carryin) +ater
&ro# the strea# nearby, not tra(e%in) in search o&
another" 6i(in) #yse%& ti#e to hea%" Lettin) an o'en,
>$iet s'ace !e(e%o' an! seein) +hat #i)ht e(ent$a%%y
e#er)e &ro# that"
6oin) &or +a%*s an! hi*es has been i#'ortant 2
anythin) thats '$t #e bac* in to$ch +ith #y stren)th,
has cha%%en)e! #e 'hysica%%y, an! re#in!e! #e o& the
!e%icate bea$ty o& s$nsets or the soothin) so$n! o& the
bree8e in the trees or the satis&action o& +atchin) the
s$n )%int thro$)h !ro's o& +ater"
Late%y, '$ttin) in #y )ar!en has been the hea%thiest
thin) I(e !one" I(e been o$t there a%#ost e(ery !ay,
!o$b%e !i))in) the be!s 4+hich #eans !i))in) o$t a%%
*in!s o& roc*s5, '%antin) %ett$ce an! ca$%i&%o+er an! 'eas
an! s'inach an! carrots an! ra!ishes an! c$c$#bers
an! to#atoes" Each see! %oo*s so !i&&erent, so#e are so
tiny its har! to be%ie(e theres so #$ch )enetic
in&or#ation in the#, so#e are s$ch o!! sha'es its har!
to be%ie(e theyre see!s" The '%antin) has been s'rea!
o$t o(er +ee*s 2 so#e thin)s I(e 'robab%y '$t in too
%ate to )et #$ch in the +ay o& a har(est 2 b$t I !ont
e(en care +hat it 'ro!$ces 4!i! I say that9 #e the
'ro!$cer95, its .$st a !e%i)ht to +atch see! %ea(es be)in
to 'o*e their +ay thro$)h the care&$%%y 're'are! soi%,
an! then to +atch the ne1t set o& %ea(es that 'roc%ai#s
the '%ants i!entity, an! to +atch as each '%ant beco#es
so s'eci&ica%%y itse%&" The 'eas +ith their %itt%e c$r%in)
ten!ri%s attachin) the#se%(es to the chic*en +ire 2 that
#ay be #y &a(orite '%ant to +atch" 6rante! a%% the
!o$b%e !i))in) +as har! on #y bac*, b$t the satis&action
o& 're'arin) )oo! soi% &or the '%ants an! then seein)
the# res'on! is incre!ib%y hea%in)" I &ee% bac* in to$ch
+ith %i&e thro$)h the )ar!en, an! it &ee%s )oo! to be
ta*in) care o& the '%ants instea! o& nee!in) s$ch ta*in)
care o& #yse%&" Its )oo! to be ab%e to )i(e instea! o&
nee!in) to recei(e" To see the &r$its o& #y %abors a''ear
e1terna%%y instea! o& bein) the one %abore! on" To start
to ta*e care o& ;en, instea! o& nee!in) so #$ch care"
I re#e#ber a%% #y years o& tryin) to create '$r'ose in
#y %i&e, searchin) &or that, thirstin) &or that" The e&&ort o&
it, the stron) !esire" The i#a)e that co#es $' is o& #e
reachin) o$t, stretchin), )ras'in), !esirin)" An! the
%esson o& that, &or #e, +as that it !i! not brin) #e 'eace
or +is!o# or ha''iness" I be%ie(e thats #y %esson" Th$s
#y 'ath &or no+ is 're!o#inant%y B$!!hist in &%a(or 4b$t
I%% st$!y anybo!y5" B$t I a# not searchin) &or
en%i)hten#ent" I +o$%! not .oin a &$%% #oon )ro$', +hich
consists o& 'eo'%e +ho ha(e #a!e the co##it#ent to
reach &$%% en%i)hten#ent in this %i&eti#e" I *no+ that that
*in! o& co##it#ent is !an)ero$s &or #e, it is either too
soon or not the 'ath &or #e at a%%" I nee! to %earn ho+ to
not +ant to )et any+here" Ho+ to cho' +oo! an! carry
+ater in &$%%ness" Not )ras'in) &or #ore, cra(in) &or
#ore, not !esirin) '$r'ose" I$st to %i(e, an! to a%%o+"
I &in! that %ate%y I a# #e!itatin) re)$%ar%y, &or the &irst
ti#e in a +hi%e" An! I thin* it is beca$se o& a chan)e in
a''roach" When I sit no+ I !o not secret%y +on!er i& I +i%%
ha(e an interestin) e1'erience, i& I +i%% see %i)ht, i& I +i%%
&ee% that r$sh o& ener)y thro$)h #y bo!y" I !o not sit
+ith the '$r'ose o& 0'ro)ressin)0 in #y 'ractice" I !o not
h$n)er &or so#ethin) to ha''en" We%%, that is not
entire%y tr$e" =or the h$n)er an! the !esire !o at ti#es
arise" B$t I notice the#, re%ease the#, an! ret$rn a)ain
to #y c$rrent &oc$s" When I +on!er +hy I sit 2 an! o&
co$rse this >$estion co#es $' re)$%ar%y 2 I say to #yse%&
that I sit to e1'ress #yse%& as I a# in this #o#ent" I sit
beca$se there is so#ethin) in #e that +ants to )i(e this
>$iet ti#e o& !isci'%ine as a *in! o& o&&erin) o& #yse%&" It
is e(en a *in! o& a&&ir#ation, rather than a *in! o&
see*in)" 7erha's %ater '$r'ose +i%% co#e c%ear, &ree o&
the )ras'in) I $se! to e1'erience" 7erha's '$r'ose is
a%rea!y here, $n&o%!in) as I %et )o"
With ;ay Lynne that e(enin)" ;ay Lynne +as sayin)
that she so#eti#es &ee%s (ery en(io$s o& others an!
!oesnt >$ite *no+ +hat to !o abo$t it" I i#a)ine she
+as thin*in) o& Iohn, an! o& her br$ta%%y en!e! chance to
share in that *in! o& &$t$re FIohn +as tra)ica%%y #$r!ere!
the 're(io$s year by a robberG" I a%so i#a)ine! that
seein) ;en an! #e to)ether bro$)ht this $' &or her e(en
#ore" She !i! #ention a &rien! o& hers +ho +as co#in)
to (isit an! noticin) in herse%& a stron) !esire &or a
re%ationshi', e(en tho$)h hes #a!e it c%ear hes not
intereste! in a co##itte! re%ationshi'"
0This #a*es #e rea%%y $nha''y" I *ee' tryin) to #a*e
it sto' b$t I cant" Any s$))estions<0
0Ah, )oo! o%! cra(in) an! a(ersion,0 I sai!" 0O& co$rse
it #a*es yo$ $nha''y, its .$st +hat the B$!!hists say is
the ca$se o& a%% s$&&erin)" My on%y s$))estion 2 an! +hat
I thin* +or*s 2 co#es strai)ht &ro# #y (i'assana
#e!itation e1'eriences" I$st notice it, +atch it,
e1'erience it &$%%y" Ri)ht no+, &or e1a#'%e, yo$re a+are
that yo$re &ee%in) that +ay, that yo$re &ee%in) $nha''y"
Thats )oo!, that yo$ notice it, that yo$ obser(e it"0
0That a%rea!y &ee%s better,0 she sai!" 0I !ont *no+
+hy I ha(e to %earn that o(er so #any ti#es" I a%rea!y
&ee% re%ie(e! abo$t it"0
0My 'ersona% theory abo$t this is that yo$ !ont ha(e
to #a*e an e&&ort to chan)e or sto' a certain beha(ior or
tho$)ht yo$ !ont %i*e" In &act, the e&&ort )ets in the +ay"
The i#'ortant thin) is to see it c%ear%y, to obser(e a%% its
as'ects, to .$st +itness it, an! e(ery ti#e it arises yo$
see it, it !oesnt catch yo$ by s$r'rise" Then I thin*
theres so#e *in! o& #ysterio$s so#ethin), yo$ co$%!
ca%% it o$r e(o%$tionary i#'$%se to )ro+ to+ar! o$r &$%%est
'otentia%, to+ar! 6o!, or +hate(er, b$t once yo$(e
c$%ti(ate! a+areness o& the 'rob%e# or !e&ect or
han)$', this #ysterio$s so#ethin) then see#s ab%e to
*ee' $s on co$rse, to correct the !e&ect" The chan)e is
not a >$estion o& +i%%" Wi%% is necessary to c$%ti(ate
a+areness, b$t it o&ten )ets in the +ay o& that *in! o&
s$bt%e, 'ro&o$n! inner chan)e" That *in! o& chan)e
#o(es $s in a !irection o& a +ay thats beyon! o$r
$n!erstan!in) an! certain%y beyon! o$r ca'acity to
conscio$s%y +i%%" Its #ore o& an a%%o+in), an o'enin)"0
0A %itt%e %i*e )race,0 she sai!" 0I *no+ e1act%y +hat
yo$ #ean"0 03es, thats it" Li*e )race" I ha!nt tho$)ht o&
it that +ay be&ore"0
An! I tho$)ht o& the (ourse in $iracles %esson thats
been sittin) on #y co$nter the %ast &e+ !ays" The %ast
%ines are-
By )race I %i(e" By )race I a# re%ease!"
By )race I )i(e" By )race I +i%% re%ease"
These %ines ne(er )ot to #e be&ore" Too #$ch echo o&
the bene(o%ent )race o& a 'aterna%istic &ather/&i)$re )o!,
&or)i(in) his errin), sinnin) chi%!ren" B$t no+ they #a!e
#ore sense" I co$%! see )race as one +ay o& !escribin)
+hat I ca%% that #ysterio$s so#ethin) that see#s to
hea%, to *ee' $s hea!in) in the ri)ht !irection, to re'air
&a$%ts"
Treya an! I +ere tryin) to a%%o+ that #ysterio$s
so#ethin) to re'air the &a$%ts, to hea% the +o$n!s, that +e
ha! both s$&&ere! o(er the %ast t+o years" We +ere rea%i8in)
that hea%in) occ$rs 2 an! #$st occ$r 2 on a%% %e(e%s o& bein)-
'hysica%, e#otiona%, #enta%, an! s'irit$a%" An! +e +ere .$st
be)innin) to rea%i8e that 'hysica% hea%in), a%tho$)h
!esiro$s, is o&ten the %east i#'ortant or %east in!icati(e o&
)en$ine hea%th, +hich is the hea%th o& the so$%, the reco(ery
o& the so$%" Treya an! I +ere b%an*etin) the 6reat Chain in
o$r >$est &or hea%in)" An! +e +ere he%'e! in this by so
#any 'eo'%e, startin) +ith =rances an! Ro)er"
An! then Sey#o$r, +ho# +e too* to ca%%in) See/#ore"
Sey#o$r is a traine! 'sychoana%yst +ho ear%y on rea%i8e!
both the e1tre#e i#'ortance o& the =re$!ian #o!e% an! its
e1tre#e %i#itations" He th$s be)an to s$''%e#ent his o+n
a''roach +ith conte#'%ati(e en!ea(ors, $sin) 'ri#ari%y
(i'assana #e!itation an! the (ourse in $iracles" Sey#o$r
an! I ha! *no+n each other &or a%#ost ten years, e(er since
he ha! 'hone! #e in Linco%n, Nebras*a, to ta%* abo$t so#e
o& the theoretica% iss$es in(o%(e! in tryin) to synthesi8e
Eastern an! Western a''roaches to 'sychothera'y"
Sey#o$r ha! been attracte! to #y +or*, an! to #y o(era%%
#o!e% o& conscio$sness, beca$se +here others +ere tryin)
to $se Car% I$n) as a &o$n!ation &or East?West $ni&ication, I
ha! rea%i8e! ear%y on that, a%tho$)h I$n) ha! #a!e so#e
(ery i#'ortant contrib$tions to this area, he ha! a%so #a!e
so#e 'ro&o$n! an! (ery #is%ea!in) errors, an! that a
st$r!ier starting 'oint 4b$t not en! 'oint5 +as =re$!" This
#eshe! +ith Sey#o$rs obser(ations, an! +e ha! beco#e
)oo! &rien!s" As is so o&ten the case in thera'y 2 in!i(i!$a%
or co$'%es 2 the rea%%y i#'ortant brea*thro$)hs are rather
si#'%e an! ob(io$s, the har! 'art is a''%yin) the# in !ai%y
%i&e, o(er an! o(er an! o(er a)ain, $nti% o%! habits are
$n%earne! an! )ent%er ones re'%ace the#" Sey#o$r
'artic$%ar%y he%'e! $s see that it +asnt so #$ch +hat +e
sai! to each other, as ho+ +e sai! it"
Learnin) to &oc$s #ore on ho% +e say so#ethin), not
.$st the content" O&ten each o& $s &ee%s tota%%y .$sti&ie! or
ri)ht abo$t the content, b$t +e both say this 0tr$th0 in
an $n*in! or an)ry or !e&ensi(e or 'ro(ocati(e +ay" An!
then +e cant $n!erstan! +hy the other reacts to the
t+ist in the co##ent, not the content" The one bi))est
insi)ht &or #e is $n!erstan!in) ho+ o$r !e&ensi(e sty%es
interact +ith each other to set $' a ne)ati(e, !o+n+ar!
s'ira% o& reaction" ;en has been &ee%in) an1iety %ate%y,
+hich s$r'rises his &rien!s 4an! #e5 beca$se he ne(er
a''ears ner(o$s" Instea!, he )ets an)ry an! sni!e, his
+ay o& contro%%in) an1iety" I co$%!nt see the an1iety,
on%y the an)er, +hich o& co$rse acti(ate! #y
&$n!a#enta% &ear, since chi%!hoo! 2 that o& bein)
re.ecte! an! $n%o(e!" Ho+ !o I react +hen I &ee%
$n%o(e!< I +ith!ra+, act coo%, co(er $', .$st %i*e I $se! to
retreat into #y roo# to rea! as a %itt%e )ir%" My
+ith!ra+a% #a*es ;en &ee% $n%o(e!, +hich #a*es hi#
an1io$s, +hich #a*es hi# sni!e" I in t$rn beco#e #ore
+ith!ra+n an! ri)i!, an! then #y obsessi(e an!
contro%%in) si!e ta*es o(er, I ten! to iss$e or!ers, +hich
#a*es ;en an)ry " " " an! so on" I can see +hy at one
'oint ;en re&$se! to ta%* abo$t any o& o$r iss$es +itho$t,
as he '$t it, so#eone to 0re&eree"0 We co$%! rea%%y batter
each other" B$t +hen +e start in this !o+n+ar! s'ira% in
Sey#o$rs o&&ice, the three o& $s can s'ot a%#ost
i##e!iate%y the first ste' in this chain, an! c$t it o&&
ri)ht there" The har! 'art, o& co$rse, is %earnin) to !o
this o$tsi!e o& the o&&ice, b$t +ere )ettin) the han) o& it"
A&ter &o$r or &i(e #onths o& this, Treya an! I, +ith
Sey#o$rs e(er/)ent%e he%', ha! be)$n to t$rn the +ho%e
thin) aro$n!" By the ear%y s$##er o& BM +e ha! reache! a
+atershe!"
It cant be I$ne" I *ee' thin*in) its May" It &ee%s %i*e
its been &ore(er since I sat at this co#'$ter to +rite" I(e
been scribb%in) notes +ritten +ith e1tra &ine 'ens on tiny
scra's o& 'a'er in e(er tinier han!+ritin), ho+ can I
!eci'her these i%%e)ib%e si)n'osts o& #o#ents o& insi)ht
or &ear or %o(e or con&$sion<
B$t I *no+ ho+ I &ee% no+" Better" M$ch better" ;en
an! I see# to ha(e t$rne! so#e *in! o& corner to)ether"
We !ont &i)ht no+, at a%%, +hich is %i*e it $se! to be, an!
+e(e %earne! to be #ore *in! to each other" It ta*es
a+areness, so#e e&&ort, to catch the reaction, the
i#'$%se to stri*e o$t, an! %earn to see $n!erneath it the
&ear that &i%%s the !esire to h$rt another" Thats +hat
+e(e been +or*in) on, +hat Sey#o$r has been +or*in)
+ith $s on" An! thin)s are chan)in)"
A )oo! e1a#'%e" Ta*in) a sho+er to)ether, ;en
as*e! #e i& I thin* +e(e #a!e the ri)ht !ecision to
#o(e into this ne+ ho$se" I thin* so, I sai!, it +i%% be
)oo! to ha(e #ore roo# so yo$ can )et yo$r boo*s o$t,
the other ho$se +as too s#a%% &or ;ens %ibrary" His
res'onse +as that he !i!nt care too #$ch abo$t the
boo*s no+, a%% he +as ho'in) +as to )et bac* into
s'irit$a% 'ractice" I &e%t h$rt by the +ho%e to'ic, beca$se
he b%a#e! #e &or not bein) ab%e to +rite, an! no+ he
says that he !oesnt care abo$t the boo*s" I +as an)ry
an! h$rt &or #ost o& the #ornin), b$t at %east, than*s to
Sey#o$r, I !i!nt .$st !$#' this on ;en" I !i!nt say
anythin)" B$t the &irst (oice in #y hea! +as h$rt an!
an)ry"
Then another (oice +ithin sai! thin)s %i*e +ait a
#in$te, ho+ !i! this thin) )et starte!< 3o$ )ot
!e&ensi(e, !i!nt yo$< Why< Oh, yo$ &e%t ;en +as
b%a#in) yo$, yo$ &e%t res'onsib%e &or his not +ritin)" 3o$
ha(e a 'oint, it !oes so$n! %i*e he +as b%a#in) yo$"
Why +o$%! he !o that< Oh, he #ay not +ant to &ee%
res'onsib%e hi#se%&, it #i)ht be easier &or hi# to thin*
its yo$r &a$%t" What #i)ht be behin! that< Maybe hes
a&rai! its his &a$%t" Maybe he !oesnt +ant to ta*e
res'onsibi%ity &or his not +ritin)" Why +o$%! that co#e
$' .$st no+< Ah, the ne+ ho$se +ith roo# &or his boo*s"
Is he a&rai! that once in the ho$se 'eo'%e #i)ht be
e1'ectin) so#ethin) &ro# hi# 4an! they ea)er%y are5,
e1'ectin) hi# to +rite" 3es, I thin* thats it" Hes a&rai!
he +ont %i(e $' to e1'ectations an! he !e&en!s hi#se%&
a)ainst these e1'ectations, a)ainst his &ear o& &ai%$re, by
stri*in) o$t at yo$"
As the secon! (oice )ot c%oser to seein) &ear at the
root o& o$r con&%ict, the &irst (oice )ot %ess se%&/ri)hteo$s"
Once the &ear %ay e1'ose!, I &e%t )reat co#'assion"
Instea! o& a !esire to !e&en! #yse%& in the &ace o& ;ens
0attac*,0 I &e%t a !esire to he%' hi# #a*e this transition
an! to e1'ect nothin) &ro# hi#" I co$%! re'%ay the scene
an! as*, ho+ co$%! I ha(e han!%e! this better< I co$%!
i#a)ine #yse%& no %on)er shrin*in) bac* in !e&eat, %ayin)
#y hea! +eari%y a)ainst the sho+er +a%%, b$t sayin) 2
an! #eanin) it 2 that +o$%! be )reat, honey, i& yo$ co$%!
)et into #e!itatin) a)ain in the ne+ ho$se" Whate(er
ha''ens +i%% be &ine, an! I thin* its )reat that +ere
#o(in) into a s'ace that can he%' $s hea%"
Later that !ay I chec*e! this scenario o$t +ith ;en,
b$t (ery )ent%y, no b%a#e" He )a(e #e a )o%! star, I hit
it 'retty c%ose on the nose"
This &ee%s %i*e a rea% (ictory, an! 'art o& the other
chan)es that are )oin) on .$st no+" Theres so#e s'ace
no+ bet+een #y &ear, the !isco#&ort that res$%ts, an!
the !e&ensi(e reaction" In that e1a#'%e I ca$)ht #yse%&
ear%y eno$)h in the reaction 'hase to bac* $' an!
$ntan)%e +hat #i)ht ha(e %e! to #ore con&%ict" I can &ee%
#ore s'ace too in #y %ast in!i(i!$a% session +ith
Sey#o$r" An! #ore )ent%eness, #ore co#'assion, &or
others an! &or #yse%&"
As i#'ortant as these chan)es +ere in o$r re%ationshi'
as a co$'%e, the rea%%y cr$cia% iss$es +ere bein) a!!resse!
on an in!i(i!$a% %e(e%" Where I +as )ettin) a han!%e on #y
an1iety, Treya +as con&rontin) her archety'a% iss$e- bein)
(ers$s !oin), a%%o+in) (ers$s contro%%in), tr$stin) (ers$s
!e&en!in)"
I &ee% #ore co#'assion &or #yse%&, #ore tr$stin)" This
is #ost noticeab%e in %oo*in) at #y .$!)#enta%ness" In
the %ast Fin!i(i!$a%G session +ith Sey#o$r I notice! #y
!isco#&ort at &ina%%y t$rnin) o$r attention to #e, rather
than to the re%ationshi'" I +ante! to hi!e behin! the
re%ationshi' iss$es an! not &oc$s on #e" So I ta%*e!
abo$t that, abo$t #y &ear" It is no+ #$ch easier &or #e
to see an!, es'ecia%%y, to ac*no+%e!)e #y &ear" I# %ess
e#barrasse! by it" So#eho+ not +antin) to ta%* abo$t
#yse%& see#e! re%ate! to so#ethin) I notice! in #yse%&
years be&ore, ho+ !i&&ic$%t it is &or #e to ac*no+%e!)e
+hen so#eone says or !oes so#ethin) that he%'s #e
$n!erstan! #yse%&" I ten! to +ant to say so#ethin) %i*e
0I a%rea!y sa+ that0 rather than, 0Than*s, that he%'e!"0 I
thin* I &in! it har! to ac*no+%e!)e he%' &ro# so#eone
beca$se it #a*es #e ($%nerab%e, it '$ts #e at their
#ercy in a +ay, that they co$%! see #e #ore c%ear%y
than I see #yse%&" An! e(en !ee'er than this, the
i#'ortant 'oint, is the ass$#'tion that they +o$%! 8udge
#e &or +hate(er they sa+, they +o$%! ha(e 'o+er o(er
#e, not that they +o$%! ha(e co#'assion, &or i& I
ass$#e! that, then their insi)ht into #e co$%! be the
be)innin) o& a !ee'er %o(e connection" No, I ass$#e that
'eo'%e +i%% .$!)e #e, are .$!)in) #e, a%+ays ha(e
.$!)e! #e, +i%% contin$e to .$!)e #e"
Beca$se I .$!)e #yse%&" The o%! scor'ion o& se%&/
criticis#" An! I a# )oin) to %et that )o" I a# %ettin) that
)o" Oh, I sti%% ha(e a +ay to )o, b$t there has been a bi)
shi&t +ithin" I &ee% re%ie(e!" It see#s its been a %on) ti#e
since this 'rocess +or*e! +ithin #e" So#ethin) has
shi&te!, %et )o, o'ene! $'" I rea%%y &ee% I can start to tr$st,
to a%%o+, an! not to &orce it, '$sh it" An! I can rea%%y %et
;ens %o(e in" Its &$nny, the &irst thin) I +rote abo$t hi#
+as 0I tr$st hi# #ore than I tr$st the $ni(erse"0 Its tr$e"
Its been his %o(e an! tr$st .$st a%+ays bein) there, e(en
in the +orst ti#es, that has he%'e! #e o'en $' to this"
Sey#o$r says that be&ore +e can tr$st o$rse%(es +e
ha(e to tr$st so#ebo!y e%se"
Sey#o$r a%so he%'e! #e $n!erstan! #y +ho%e
obsessiona% sty%e better" He ta%*e! abo$t #y &ritterin)
#y ti#e a+ay on a%% sorts o& tri(ia% !etai%s" Thats %ar)e%y
at the root o& #y 'rob%e# &in!in) an! !oin) +hat I +ant
to !o, I ne(er see# to ha(e the ti#e" B$t the 'oint is
that that is c%assica%%y the obsessi(es +ay to *ee' thin)s
$n!er contro%" In other +or!s, obsessi(es !o e(erythin)
the#se%(es" They !ont tr$st others to !o it 2 #istr$st is
at the root o& the obsessiona% ne$rosis 2 so they try to
contro% e(en the s#a%%est !etai%s the#se%(es" A)ain,
tr$st" My bi) %esson"
As I sai!, Treya an! I +ere co(erin), or at %east tryin) to
co(er, a%% the bases 2 'hysica%, e#otiona%, #enta%, s'irit$a%"
On the 'hysica% %e(e%, I +as %earnin) to conser(e ener)y an!
#arsha% #y reso$rces +hi%e the (ir$s ran its co$rse" Treya
+as e1ercisin), .o))in), )oin) on %on) hi*es" We both +ere
contin$in) to re&ine o$r !iet, base! %ar)e%y on )enera%
cancer/'re(entin) #eas$res 4(e)etarian, %o+ &at, hi)h &iber,
hi)h co#'%e1 carbohy!rates5" I ha! %on) a)o ass$#e! the
ro%e o& coo*, at &irst o$t o& necessity, then beca$se I
beca#e rather )oo! at it" At this 'oint +e +ere on a
7riti*in/base! !iet, +hich I %abore! #i)hti%y to #a*e
'a%atab%e" An! o& co$rse the #e)a(ita#ins" On the
e#otiona% an! #enta% %e(e%s, +e +ere !oin) thera'y,
%earnin) to !i)est an! inte)rate (ario$s $nreso%(e! iss$es,
an! %earnin) to re+rite o$r br$ise! scri'ts" An! on the
s'irit$a% %e(e%, +e +ere 'racticin) acce'tance an!
&or)i(eness, an! atte#'tin), in (ario$s +ays, to reestab%ish
the Witness, that ca%# center o& e>$ani#ity in the #i!st o&
%i&es $nen!in) t$r#oi%s"
A%tho$)h I ha! not yet starte! #e!itatin) a)ain, both
Treya an! I ha! be)$n the search &or a teacher +e co$%!
both e#brace" Treyas essentia% 'ath +as (i'assana, the
basic an! core 'ath o& a%% &or#s o& B$!!his#, a%tho$)h she
+as a%so (ery &on! o& Christian #ysticis# an! 'ractice! the
(ourse in $iracles !ai%y &or abo$t t+o years" A%tho$)h I +as
sy#'athetic to (irt$a%%y any schoo% o& #ysticis#, East or
West, I &o$n! the #ost 'o+er&$% an! 'ro&o$n! &or# o&
#ysticis# to be B$!!hist, an! so #y o+n 'ractice ha!
been, &or &i&teen years, Len, the >$intessentia% B$!!hist
'ath" B$t I +as a%+ays attracte! to Aa.rayana B$!!his#,
the Tibetan &or# o& tantric B$!!his#, +hich is by &ar the
#ost co#'%ete an! +e%%/ro$n!e! s'irit$a% syste# to be
&o$n! any+here in the +or%!" I +as a%so !ra+n to se(era%
in!i(i!$a% teachers +ho, a%tho$)h schoo%e! in a 'artic$%ar
tra!ition, transcen!e! any cate)ori8ation- ;rishna#$rti, Sri
Ra#ana Maharshi, an! Da =ree Iohn"
B$t Treya an! I co$%! ne(er >$ite a)ree on a teacher,
not one +e co$%! both &o%%o+ +ho%ehearte!%y" I %i*e! 6oen*a
(ery #$ch, b$t &o$n! (i'assana to be #$ch too narro+ an!
%i#ite! &or an o(era%% a''roach" Treya %i*e! Tr$n)'a an!
=ree Iohn, b$t &o$n! their 'aths a bit too +i%! an! cra8y" We
+o$%! &ina%%y &in! 0o$r0 teacher in ;a%$ Rin'oche, a Tibetan
#aster o& the hi)hest acco#'%ish#ent" In &act, it +o$%! be
at an e#'o+er#ent )i(en by ;a%$ that Treya +o$%! ha(e
the st$nnin) !rea# that #a!e it c%ear to her that she ha!
to chan)e her na#e" In the #eanti#e +e contin$e! the
search, (isitin), seein), han)in) o$t +ith, 'racticin) +ith,
the +i%!est assort#ent o& teachers one co$%! i#a)ine-
=ather Be!e 6ri&&iths, ;ob$n Chino Roshi, Tai Sit$'a,
Ia#)on ;ontr$%, Tr$n)'a Rin'oche, Da =ree Iohn, ;ata)iri
Roshi, 7ir Ai%ayat ;han, =ather Tho#as ;eatin)" " " "
On S$n!ay +e )o to 6reen 6$%ch Fo& the San
=rancisco Len CenterG, the &irst ti#e in a %on) ti#e"
When +e arri(e there are %ots o& cars, so +e *no+
so#eone i#'ortant is s'ea*in)" T$rns o$t its ;ata)iri
Roshi, one o& ;ens o%! Len #asters" We stan! near the
entrance o& the o(er&%o+in) 8en!o" I %i*e ;ata)iri, he
see#s (ery !irect an! so#eho+ there" E(en tho$)h I
cant $n!erstan! e(erythin) he says"
E(en at that !istance I can see ho+ +hen he s#i%es
his +ho%e &ace s#i%es, e(ery corner, e(ery cre(ice, a%% o&
hi#" The Len o& s#i%in)- +hen s#i%in), .$st s#i%e9 His
hea!, o& co$rse, is sha(e!, an interestin), o!! sha'e"
I(e ne(er seen a hea! >$ite %i*e this" S$ch a ne+&o$n!
interest in the sha'es o& 'eo'%es hea!s $n!erneath the
hair"
Later, !$rin) the >$estion an! ans+er 'erio! a&ter
tea on the !ec*, so#eone as*s hi# a >$estion" I#
str$c* by his ans+er"
0I& B$!!ha +ere to co#e to A#erica to!ay, +hich o&
his teachin)s !o yo$ thin* he +o$%! e#'hasi8e<0
0To be h$#an, I thin*,0 ;ata)iri says" 0Not to be an
A#erican, or Ia'anese, or +hate(er, b$t to be h$#an" To
be tr$%y h$#an" That is #ost i#'ortant"0
It stri*es #e at that 'oint ho+ a''ro'riate it is &or
A#ericans to be so intereste! in s'irit$a% teachers &ro#
other c$%t$res" Certain%y I(e +on!ere! abo$t that,
es'ecia%%y a&ter ha(in) #et so #any &ro# Tibet recent%y"
I $se! to &ee% so#e sy#'athy +ith the criticis# that +e
sho$%! %oo* to o$r o+n c$%t$re, re(i(e o$r o+n tra!itions,
rather than nai(e%y an! 'erha's +ron)%y e%e(ate e1otic
re%i)ions &ro# e%se+here" B$t at this 'oint I s$!!en%y &ee%
theres a certain Ti)htness in this tren!, an! it has to !o
+ith bein) tr$%y h$#an" St$!yin) a s'irit$a% !isci'%ine
+ith a #an +ho s'ea*s ha%tin) En)%ish +ith a thic*
Ia'anese accent 4or In!ian, or Tibetan5 can be an
e1'erience, not o& c$%t$ra% !i&&erences, b$t o& ho+ +e are
a%% +or*in) si#'%y to+ar! beco#in) #ore &$%%y h$#an"
An! th$s a%so #ore !i(ine, 'erha's"
That e(enin) ;en an! I ha(e !inner +ith ;ata)iri an!
Da(i! FCha!+ic*G in the Lin!is&arne Center" Bi%% FWi%%ia#
Ir+inG Tho#'son, !irector o& Lin!is&arne an! #arrie! to a
&rien! o& #ine &ro# =in!horn, too* #e on a to$r o& it a
&e+ years a)o +hen it +as a%#ost &inishe!" S#a%% +or%! it
is" ;en an! ;ata)iri re#inisce abo$t a sesshin FLen
intensi(e 'ractice sessionG that ;en !i! +ith hi# in
Linco%n, a%#ost ten years a)o, +hen ;en ha! a satori
e1'erience 2 0rea% %itt%e one,0 ;en a!!e! 2 +hich
ha''ene! +hen ;ata)iri sai!, 0The Witness is the %ast
stan! o& the e)o"0 They ta%*e! abo$t this an! %a$)he!
an! %a$)he!" So#e sort o& Len .o*e, I tho$)ht" See#s
there are a &e+ 'retty cra8y s'irit$a% see*ers o$t there
on the '%ains they both *no+"
;ata)iri is (ery $nass$#in) an! so#eho+ +ar#s #y
heart" So#e &ee% hes the tr$e s$ccessor to S$8$*i Roshi"
I &ee% intereste! in st$!yin) +ith hi# an! #e!itatin) at
the Len Center an! seein) +here that #i)ht %ea!" I# no
%on)er %oo*in) &or 'er&ection on the s'irit$a% 'ath either"
It +o$%! be %o(e%y to &in! a teacher I &a%% in %o(e +ith, b$t
that #ay ta*e ti#e an! it #a*es no sense to +ait &or
that" 7erha's, +ho *no+s, hes sittin) in &ront o& #e at
the #o#ent on%y I .$st !ont *no+ it yet"
The ne1t ni)ht +ere ha(in) !inner +ith so#e &rien!s
+ho are #e#bers o& the Iohanine Daist Co##$nity an!
!e(otees o& Da =ree Iohn" ;en ha! +ritten an
intro!$ction to one o& =ree Iohns boo*s an! has .$st
)i(en a stron) en!orse#ent o& his %atest, The Da%n
Horse Testament" 6reat 'eo'%e" I a%+ays %oo* at a
teachers senior st$!ents to see +hat the teacher is
rea%%y %i*e, an! these 'eo'%e are abo$t as )reat as yo$
)et" Were +atchin) a (i!eota'e o& =ree Iohn, an! I &in! I
%i*e hi# #ore than I e1'ecte!" I thin* the 'ath o& the
de#otee, e(en the +or! !e(otee, has '$t #e o&&" In the
(i!eo he says the 'rocess &irst in(o%(es st$!yin) his
+ritten teachin)s 4theres a %ot o& the#95" Then, +hen
that is $n!erstoo!, an! i& yo$ &ee% the '$%%, one #o(es
into c%oser re%ationshi' +ith hi#" It so$n!s %i*e yo$r %i&e
is tota%%y contro%%e! by hi# an! his teachin)s once yo$
are a !e(otee, an! I ha(e to a!#it I resist that" Its
'robab%y the (ery ne$rosis I #ost nee! to !ea% +ith, b$t
on%y +hen I# rea!y"
Later I &in!, rea!in) The Da%n Horse Testament, that
he o$t%ines t+o c%ear 'aths" One is that o& the !e(otee,
the other is that o& in>$iry" This is e1act%y +hat ;en is
ta%*in) abo$t +ith other/'o+er an! se%&/'o+er" I %i*e
+hat he says in this boo*, es'ecia%%y abo$t re%ationshi',
abo$t ho+ the e)o is nothin) b$t the contraction or
a(oi!ance o& re%ationshi'" I certain%y reco)ni8e in #yse%&
+hen he !escribes the e)o as reacti(e an! contractin)
a+ay &ro# re%ationshi'" I reco)ni8e #yse%& as o&ten
&ee%in) re.ecte! an! then en)a)in) in the 0e)oic rit$a%0
o& !e&en!in) #yse%& a)ainst +hat I see as ins$%ts or
h$rts" When I# reactin) in a h$rt +ay 2 +hich #eans
+ith!ra+in), a(oi!in), $s$a%%y thro$)h !e&en!in) #yse%&
2 to +hat I see as re.ection, it he%'s to thin* o& his
teachin) that I #$st sto' !ra#ati8in) the sit$ation as
bein) betraye!, sto' reactin), sto' re.ectin) an!
'$nishin) others +hen I &ee% re.ecte!" I #$st not
+ithho%! %o(e, !issociate #yse%&, b$t instea! be
($%nerab%e an! s$&&er #yse%& to be +o$n!e!" 07ractice
the +o$n! o& %o(e,0 he says, yo$ cant he%' b$t be
+o$n!e!, .$st notice it, !ont contract, an! contin$e to
%o(e" 0I& yo$ are #ere%y h$rt, yo$ +i%% sti%% *no+ the nee!
&or %o(e, an! yo$ +i%% sti%% *no+ the nee! to %o(e"0
5Step this %ay please35
, can't ma!e out the "igure ne2t to me at all3 Something
is gently pulling at my elbo%3 , %ould stri!e out, or yan!
bac!, if , could e#en #aguely see %hat it is that , might
react against3 , slo%ly point the pen<light in the direction of
the "igure, but the light 8ust seems to disappear, to enter
this thing and not come out3 ,t has a definite shape,
ho%e#er, because it is much dar!er than the surroundings,
%hich are already rather blac!3 Then it da%ns on me3 This
"igure isn't dar!, it is the absence of either light or dar!3 ,t's
there, but it is not3
5Loo!, , don't !no% %ho you are, but this is my house
and ,'ll than! you to lea#e35 , start laughing ner#ously3 5.r
,'ll call the cops35 , laugh because, the cops6
5Step this %ay please35
I !eci!e! to #o(e o&& the 'orch an! bac* into the ho$se"
E!ith, I s$''ose!, +o$%! be o(er in abo$t an ho$r an! I
nee!e! to )et so#e %$nch" The s>$irre%s +ere )one &or
)oo!, any+ay" Treya +as in Tahoe, &inishin) $' so#e o& her
thin)s in or!er to #o(e #ore 'er#anent%y to the ne+ Mi%%
Aa%%ey ho$se"
A%% in a%%, thin)s +ere )oin) >$ite +e%%, or at %east,
i#'ro(in) ra'i!%y" As Treya to%! Sey#o$r, she tho$)ht a
corner ha! been t$rne!, se(era% corners, act$a%%y, an! I
a)ree!"
I )ot a san!+ich an! a Co*e an! sat bac* !o+n on the
'orch" The s$n +as .$st startin) to rise abo(e the )i)antic
re!+oo!s, so ta%% they hi! the %i)ht e(ery !ay $nti% a%#ost
noon" I a%+ays %oo*e! &or+ar! to that, to the s$n hittin) #e
on the &ace an! re#in!in) #e that there are a%+ays ne+
be)innin)s"
I tho$)ht o& Treya" Her bea$ty, her inte)rity, her
honesty, her '$re s'irit, her enor#o$s %o(e o& %i&e, her
astonishin) stren)th" The 6oo!, the Tr$e, an! the Bea$ti&$%"
6o! I %o(e that +o#an9 Ho+ co$%! I ha(e e(er b%a#e! her
&or #y or!ea%s< Ca$se! her s$ch 'ain< The best thin) that
ha! e(er ha''ene! to #e9 I *ne+ &ro# the #o#ent I ha!
#et her that I +o$%! !o anythin), )o any+here, s$&&er any
'ain, to be +ith her, he%' her, ho%! her" That +as a 'ro&o$n!
!ecision I ha! #a!e, on the (ery !ee'est %e(e% o& #y bein)
2 an! then to &or)et that !ecision, b%a#e so#eone e%se9 2
no +on!er I &e%t I ha! %ost #y so$%" I ha!" By #y o+n han!"
I ha! &or)i(en Treya" I +as in the #$ch s%o+er 'rocess o&
&or)i(in) #yse%&"
I tho$)ht o& Treyas co$ra)e" She si#'%y re&$se!,
abso%$te%y re&$se!, to %et this or!ea% )et her !o+n" Li&e
*noc*e! her !o+n, she )ot ri)ht bac* $'" Li&e *noc*e! her
!o+n, she )ot ri)ht bac* $'" I& anythin) the e(ents o& the
%ast year ha! increase! her enor#o$s resi%iency" I t$rne!
#y &ace to +ar# the other si!e" It a%+ays &e%t %i*e the s$n
+as ener)i8in) #y brain, 'o$rin) %i)ht into #y brain"
7robab%y, I tho$)ht, !$rin) the &irst 'art o& Treyas %i&e, her
stren)th ca#e &ro# her bein) ab%e to &i)ht" No+, I tho$)ht,
it starte! to co#e &ro# her bein) ab%e to s$rren!er" Where
be&ore she +o$%! s>$are o&& an! ta*e the +or%! on, no+ she
o'ene! $' an! %et it a%% co#e 'o$rin) thro$)h" B$t it +as
the sa#e stren)th, bac*e! by one o(er+he%#in) &actor- an
abso%$te%y $nco#'ro#isin) honesty" E(en in the +orst o&
ti#es, there is one thin) I ha! ne(er seen her !o- I ha!
ne(er seen her %ie"
The 'hone ran)" I !eci!e! to %et the ans+erin) #achine
recor! the #essa)e" 0He%%o, Terry, this is Dr" Be%*na's
o&&ice" Co$%! yo$ '%ease co#e in an! see the !octor<0
I race! to the 'hone an! yan*e! it $'" 0He%%o< This is
;en" Whats $'<0
0The !octor +o$%! %i*e to !isc$ss so#e test res$%ts +ith
Terry"0
0Nothin)s +ron), is there<0
0The !octor +i%% e1'%ain"0
0Co#e on, #aa#"0
0The !octor +i%% e1'%ain"0
11
Psychothera,y and S,iritua&ity
Hi, EDITH, COME ON IN" 6i(e #e a &e+ #in$tes, +o$%!
yo$< I$st )ot a +eir! ca%%" I%% be ri)ht bac*"0 I +ent in the
bathroo#, s'%ashe! +ater on #y &ace, an! %oo*e! in the
#irror" I !ont re#e#ber +hat +ent thro$)h #y #in!" B$t
then, as so o&ten ha''ens to 'eo'%e in these circ$#stances,
I si#'%y !issociate!- the +ho%e ni)ht#are that +as s$re%y
a+aitin) $s in the !octors o&&ice I si#'%y sea%e! o$t o&
a+areness" A b%an*et !enia% sett%e! on #y so$%, +hich
a%%o+e! #e to '$t on #y 'ro&essors 'ersona &or the
inter(ie+, an! o$t I +a%*e!, +ith a '%aster s#i%e, to #eet
E!ith"
What +as it abo$t E!ith that +as so %i*ab%e< She +as in
her ear%y &i&ties, I )$esse!, +ith a bri)ht an! o'en &ace,
a%#ost trans'arent at ti#es, b$t nonethe%ess (ery stron)
an! &ir# an! s$re" So#eho+, +ithin .$st a &e+ #in$tes, her
'resence see#e! to anno$nce %oya%ty, see#e! to say that
she +o$%! !o %itera%%y anythin) &or a &rien!, an! !o so
)%a!%y" She s#i%e! #ost o& the ti#e, an! it +as in no +ay
&orce!, nor !i! it see# to hi!e or !eny the 'ain o& bein)
h$#an" That +as 'art o& it- a (ery stron) an! yet (ery
($%nerab%e 'erson, +ho s#i%e! in the #i!st o& an)st"
As #y #in! contin$e! to sea% o&& the 'robab%e &$t$re, I
+as str$c*, &or the &irst ti#e rea%%y, by the stran)e a$ra that
ha! !e(e%o'e! aro$n! #e !$e to #y re&$sa%, &or the 'ast
&i&teen years, to )i(e inter(ie+s or a''ear in '$b%ic" A
si#'%e !ecision it +as &or #e, an! yet it ha! )enerate!
rather intense s'ec$%ation, $s$a%%y centerin) on the
>$estion, !i! I e(en e1ist< =or the &irst &i&teen #in$tes, #y
0in(isibi%ity0 is a%% E!ith +ante! to !isc$ss, an! +hen her
artic%e a''eare! in Die &eit, this is e1act%y ho+ it starte!-
He is a her#it, I hear! o& ;en Wi%ber, one cant
inter(ie+ hi#" It #a!e #e sti%% #ore c$rio$s than I +as
anyho+" So &ar I *ne+ hi# .$st &ro# rea!in), +hich
in!icate! that he 'ossesse! encyc%o'e!ic *no+%e!)e, an
o'en #in! &or (ery !i(er)ent 'ara!i)#s, a 'recise sty%e
&$%% o& 'o+er&$% 'ict$res, $n$s$a% co#binatory (ision an!
rare c%arity o& thin*in)"
I +rote to hi#" When I )ot no ans+er I &%e+ to Ia'an,
to a con)ress o& the Internationa% Trans'ersona%
Association" Accor!in) to the 'ro)ra#, Wi%ber +as one o&
the s'ea*ers" Ia'an in the s'rin) +as (ery bea$ti&$%, the
enco$nter +ith Ia'anese c$%t$ra% an! re%i)io$s tra!itions
$n&or)ettab%e, b$t ;en Wi%ber +as not there" In s'ite o&
that he +as 0'resent0- #any ho'es +ere 'ro.ecte! on
hi#" To be in(isib%e is not a ba! '$b%ic re%ations
techni>$e 2 i& yo$r na#e is ;en Wi%ber"
I as*e! +ho *ne+ hi#" The 7resi!ent o& the
Association, Ceci% B$rney- 0We are &rien!s" He is sociab%e
an! >$ite $n'retentio$s"0 Ho+ !i! he #ana)e 2 born
:EHE, C@ years yo$n) 2 to ha(e +ritten ten boo*s
a%rea!y< 0He is +or*in) (ery har! an! he is a )eni$s,0
ca#e the %aconic re'%y"
With the he%' o& &rien!s an! his 6er#an '$b%ishin)
ho$ses I %ater trie! a)ain to )et an inter(ie+" A%rea!y in
San =rancisco I sti%% ha! no !e&inite assent" An! then,
s$!!en%y, he is on the 'hone- 0S$re, co#e on o(er"0 We
#eet in his ho$se" The %i(in) roo# is &$rnishe! +ith
)ar!en tab%e an! chairs, thro$)h a ha%&/o'en !oor one
sees a #attress on the &%oor" ;en Wi%ber, bare&oot, his
shirt o'en 2 it is a +ar# s$##er !ay 2 '$ts a )%ass o&
.$ice on the tab%e &or #e an! %a$)hs- 0I !o e1ist"0
03o$ see, E!ith, I !o e1ist,0 I %a$)he! as +e sat !o+n"
The +ho%e thin) +as enor#o$s%y &$nny to #e, an! I tho$)ht
o& 6arry Tr$!ea$s %ine- 0I a# tryin) to c$%ti(ate a %i&e/sty%e
that !oes not re>$ire #y 'resence"0
0What can I !o &or yo$, E!ith<0
0Why !ont yo$ )i(e inter(ie+s<0
An! I to%! her a%% #y reasons 2 #ost%y that I &in! the#
too !istractin), an! that any+ay a%% I rea%%y +ante! to !o
+as +rite" E!ith %istene! intent%y, an! s#i%e!, an! I co$%!
&ee% her +ar#%y reachin) o$t" There +as so#ethin) (ery
#other%y in her +ay, an! the *in!ness in her (oice, &or
so#e reason, #a!e it a%% the har!er &or #e to &or)et the
bac*)ro$n! !rea! that e(ery &e+ #in$tes atte#'te! to
s$r&ace"
We ta%*e! &or ho$rs, ran)in) o(er an enor#o$s n$#ber
o& to'ics, +hich E!ith !isc$sse! +ith ease an! inte%%i)ence"
As she #o(e! to the #ain to'ic o& the inter(ie+, she
s+itche! on her ta'e recor!er"
EDITH LDNDEL- Ro%& an! I, an! o$r rea!ers, are 'artic$%ar%y
intereste! in the inter&ace bet+een 'sychothera'y
an! re%i)ion"
;EN WILBER- An! by re%i)ion yo$ #ean +hat<
=$n!a#enta%is#< Mysticis#< E1oteric< Esoteric<
EL- We%%, thats a )oo! '%ace to start" In * Sociable +od
yo$ )i(e, I be%ie(e, nine !i&&erent !e&initions o&
re%i)ion, or nine !i&&erent +ays the +or! re%i)ion is
$se!"
;W- 3es, +e%%, #y 'oint +as that +e rea%%y cant ta%* abo$t
science an! re%i)ion or 'sychothera'y an! re%i)ion or
'hi%oso'hy an! re%i)ion $nti% +e !eci!e .$st +hat it is
+e #ean by the +or! re%i)ion" An! &or o$r '$r'oses
ri)ht no+ I thin* +e #$st at %east !istin)$ish bet+een
+hat is *no+n as e1oteric re%i)ion an! esoteric
re%i)ion" E1oteric or 0o$ter0 re%i)ion is #ythic re%i)ion,
re%i)ion that is terrib%y concrete an! %itera%, that rea%%y
be%ie(es, &or e1a#'%e, that Moses 'arte! the Re! Sea,
that Christ +as born &ro# a (ir)in, that the +or%! +as
create! in si1 !ays, that #anna once %itera%%y raine!
!o+n &ro# hea(en, an! so on" E1oteric re%i)ions the
+or%! o(er consist o& those ty'es o& be%ie&s" The
Hin!$s be%ie(e that the earth, since it nee!s to be
s$''orte!, is sittin) on an e%e'hant +hich, since it
nee!s to be s$''orte!, is sittin) on a tortoise +hich
in t$rn is sittin) on a ser'ent" An! to the >$estion,
0On +hat, then, is the ser'ent sittin)<0 the ans+er is
)i(en, 0Let $s no+ chan)e the s$b.ect"0 Lao T8$ +as
nine h$n!re! years o%! +hen he +as born, ;rishna
#a!e %o(e to &o$r tho$san! co+ #ai!ens, Brah#a
+as born &ro# a crac* in a cos#ic e)), an! so on"
Thats e1oteric re%i)ion, a series o& be%ie& str$ct$res
that atte#'t to e1'%ain the #ysteries o& the +or%! in
#ythic ter#s rather than !irect e1'erientia% or
e(i!entia% ter#s"
EL- So e1oteric or o$ter re%i)ion is basica%%y a #atter o&
be%ie&, not e(i!ence"
;W- 3es" I& yo$ be%ie(e a%% the #yths, yo$ are sa(e!, i& not,
yo$ )o to He%% 2 no !isc$ssion" No+ yo$ &in! that ty'e
o& re%i)ion the +or%! o(er 2 &$n!a#enta%is#" I ha(e no
>$arre% +ith that, its .$st that that ty'e o& re%i)ion,
e1oteric re%i)ion, has %itt%e to !o +ith #ystica% re%i)ion
or esoteric re%i)ion or e1'erientia% re%i)ion, +hich is
the ty'e o& re%i)ion or s'irit$a%ity that I# #ost
intereste! in"
EL- Esoteric #eans +hat<
;W- Inner or hi!!en" The reason that esoteric or #ystica%
re%i)ion is hi!!en is not that it is secret or anythin),
b$t that it is a #atter o& !irect e1'erience an!
'ersona% a+areness" Esoteric re%i)ion as*s yo$ to
be%ie(e nothin) on &aith or obe!ient%y s+a%%o+ any
!o)#a" Rather, esoteric re%i)ion is a set o& 'ersona%
e1'eri#ents that yo$ con!$ct scienti&ica%%y in the
%aboratory o& yo$r o+n a+areness" Li*e a%% )oo!
science, it is base! on !irect e1'erience, not #ere
be%ie& or +ish, an! it is '$b%ic%y chec*e! or (a%i!ate!
by a 'eer )ro$' o& those +ho ha(e a%so 'er&or#e!
the e1'eri#ent" The e1'eri#ent is #e!itation"
EL- B$t #e!itation is 'ri(ate"
;W- Not rea%%y" Not any #ore so than, say, #athe#atics"
There is no e1terna% 'roo&, &or e1a#'%e, that ne)ati(e
one s>$are! e>$a%s one, there is no sensory or
e#'irica% 'roo& &or that" That ha''ens to be tr$e, b$t
it is 'ro(en to be tr$e on%y by an interna% %o)ic" 3o$
cant &in! ne)ati(e one in the e1terna% +or%!, yo$ &in!
it on%y in yo$r #in!" B$t that !oesnt #ean it isnt
tr$e, that !oesnt #ean it is on%y 'ri(ate *no+%e!)e
that cant be '$b%ic%y (a%i!ate!" That on%y #eans that
its tr$th is (a%i!ate! by a co##$nity o& traine!
#athe#aticians, by those +ho *no+ ho+ to interna%%y
r$n the %o)ica% e1'eri#ent that +i%% !eci!e +hether it
is tr$e or not" I$st so, #e!itati(e *no+%e!)e is
interna% *no+%e!)e, b$t *no+%e!)e that can be
'$b%ic%y (a%i!ate! by a co##$nity o& traine!
#e!itators, those +ho *no+ the interna% %o)ic o& the
conte#'%ati(e e1'erience" We !ont %et anybo!y (ote
on the tr$th o& the 7ytha)orean theore#, +e %et
traine! #athe#aticians (ote on that tr$th" Li*e+ise,
#e!itati(e s'irit$a%ity #a*es certain c%ai#s 2 &or
e1a#'%e, that the in+ar! sense o& the se%& is, i& yo$
%oo* at it c%ose%y, one +ith the &ee%in) o& the e1terna%
+or%! 2 b$t that is a tr$th to be chec*e!
e1'eri#enta%%y an! e1'erientia%%y by yo$ an!
anybo!y e%se +ho cares to try the e1'eri#ent" An!
a&ter so#ethin) %i*e si1 tho$san! years o& this
e1'eri#ent, +e are 'er&ect%y .$sti&ie! in #a*in)
certain conc%$sions, #a*in) certain s'irit$a%
theore#s, as it +ere" An! those s'irit$a% theore#s
are the core o& the 'erennia% +is!o# tra!itions"
EL- B$t +hy is it ca%%e! 0hi!!en0<
;W- Beca$se i& yo$ !ont 'er&or# the e1'eri#ent, then
yo$ !ont *no+ +hats )oin) on, yo$ are not a%%o+e!
to (ote, .$st as i& yo$ !ont %earn #athe#atics yo$ are
not a%%o+e! to (ote on the tr$th o& the 7ytha)orean
theore#" I #ean, yo$ can &or# o'inions abo$t it, b$t
#ysticis# is not intereste! in o'inions b$t in
*no+%e!)e" Esoteric re%i)ion or #ysticis# is hi!!en to
the #in! that +ont 'er&or# the e1'eri#ent, thats a%%
it #eans"
EL- B$t re%i)ions (ary so #$ch &ro# each other"
;W- E1oteric re%i)ions (ary tre#en!o$s%y &ro# each other,
b$t esoteric re%i)ions the +or%! o(er share #any
si#i%arities" Mysticis# or esotericis# is, in the broa!
sense o& the +or!, scienti&ic, as +e ha(e seen, an!
.$st as yo$ !ont ha(e 6er#an che#istry (ers$s
A#erican che#istry, yo$ !ont ha(e Hin!$ #ystica%
science (ers$s M$s%i# #ystica% science" Rather, they
are in &$n!a#enta% a)ree#ent as to the nat$re o& the
so$%, the nat$re o& S'irit, an! the nat$re o& their
s$'re#e i!entity, a#on) #any other thin)s" This is
+hat scho%ars #ean by 0the transcen!enta% $nity o&
the +or%!s re%i)ions0 2 they #ean esoteric re%i)ions"
O& co$rse, their s$r&ace str$ct$res (ary tre#en!o$s%y,
b$t their !ee' str$ct$res are o&ten i!entica%,
re&%ectin) the $nani#ity o& the h$#an s'irit an! its
'heno#eno%o)ica%%y !isc%ose! %a+s"
EL- This is (ery i#'ortant, then- I ta*e it that yo$ !o not
be%ie(e, as Iose'h Ca#'be%% !oes, that #ythic
re%i)ions carry any (a%i! s'irit$a% *no+%e!)e"
;W- 3o$ are &ree to inter'ret e1oteric re%i)io$s #yths any
+ay yo$ %i*e" 3o$ are &ree, as Ca#'be%% !oes, to
inter'ret #yths as bein) a%%e)ories or #eta'hors &or
transcen!enta% tr$ths" =ree, &or e1a#'%e, to inter'ret
the (ir)in birth as #eanin) that Christ o'erate!
s'ontaneo$s%y &ro# his tr$e Se%&, ca'ita% S" I ha''en
to be%ie(e that" The 'rob%e# is, #ythic be%ie(ers !o
not be%ie(e that" They be%ie(e, as a test o& their &aith,
that Mary rea%%y +as a bio%o)ica% (ir)in +hen she )ot
're)nant" Mythic be%ie(ers !o not inter'ret their
#yths a%%e)orica%%y, they inter'ret the# %itera%%y an!
concrete%y" Iose'h Ca#'be%% (io%ates the &abric o&
#ythic be%ie&s in his (ery atte#'t to sa%(a)e the#"
He says to the #ythic be%ie(er, 0I *no+ +hat yo$
really #ean by that"0 B$t the 'rob%e# is, that is not
+hat they #ean by that" His a''roach is
&$n!a#enta%%y #is)$i!e! ri)ht at the start, in #y
o'inion"
These ty'es o& #yths are (ery co##on in the si1/
to e%e(en/year/o%!, they are 'ro!$ce! nat$ra%%y an!
easi%y by the %e(e% o& #in! that 7ia)et ca%%s concrete
o'erationa%" Airt$a%%y a%% o& the &$n!a#enta%s o& the
+or%!s )reat e1oteric #yths can be c$%%e! &ro# the
s'ontaneo$s 'ro!$ctions o& to!ays se(en/year/o%!s,
as Ca#'be%% hi#se%& ac*no+%e!)es" B$t once the ne1t
str$ct$re o& conscio$sness 2 ca%%e! &or#a% o'erationa%
or rationa% 2 e#er)es, the #ythic 'ro!$ctions are
aban!one! by the chi%! hi#se%&" He hi#se%& no %on)er
be%ie(es the#, $n%ess he is in a society that re+ar!s
s$ch be%ie&s" B$t by an! %ar)e the rationa% an!
re&%e1i(e #in! &in!s #yths to be .$st that, #yths"
Once $se&$% an! necessary, b$t no %on)er s$stainab%e"
They !o not carry the e(i!entia% *no+%e!)e that they
c%ai# to carry, an! th$s, once they are act$a%%y or
scienti&ica%%y chec*e!, they &a%% a'art" The rationa%
#in! %oo*s at, say, the (ir)in birth an! .$st )rins" This
+o#an )ets 're)nant, )oes to her h$sban! an! says,
0Loo*, I# 're)nant, b$t !ont +orry, I !i!nt s%ee'
+ith another #an" The rea% &ather is not &ro# this
'%anet"0
EL- FLa$)hin)G B$t so#e &o%%o+ers o& #ythic re%i)ions !o
in &act inter'ret their #yths a%%e)orica%%y or
#eta'horica%%y"
;W- 3es, an! they are the #ystics" In other +or!s, the
#ystics are the ones +ho )i(e an esoteric or 0hi!!en0
#eanin) to the #yths, an! those #eanin)s are
!isco(ere! in the !irect interior an! conte#'%ati(e
e1'erience o& the so$%, not in so#e o$t+ar! be%ie&
syste# or sy#bo% or #yth" In other +or!s, they arent
#ythic be%ie(ers at a%%, b$t conte#'%ati(e
'heno#eno%o)ists, conte#'%ati(e #ystics,
conte#'%ati(e scientists" This is +hy historica%%y, as
A%&re! North Whitehea! 'ointe! o$t, #ysticis# has
a%+ays a%%ie! itse%& +ith science as a)ainst the
Ch$rch, beca$se both #ysticis# an! science !e'en!
on !irect consens$a% e(i!ence" Ne+ton +as a )reat
scientist, he +as a%so a 'ro&o$n! #ystic, an! there
+as, is, no con&%ict there +hatsoe(er" 3o$ cannot, on
the other han!, be a )reat scientist an! a )reat
#ythic be%ie(er at the sa#e ti#e"
Moreo(er, they, the #ystics, are the ones +ho
a)ree that their re%i)ion is basica%%y i!entica% in
essence to other #ystica% re%i)ions, that 0they ca%%
Hi# #any +ho is rea%%y One"0 No+ yo$ +i%% not &in! a
#ythic be%ie(er, say a &$n!a#enta%ist 7rotestant,
sayin) that B$!!his# is a%so a +ay to 'er&ect
sa%(ation" Mythic be%ie(ers #aintain that they ha(e
the on%y +ay, beca$se they base their re%i)ion on
o$t+ar! #yths, +hich are e(ery+here !i&&erent, so
they !ont rea%i8e the inner $nity hi!!en in the o$ter
sy#bo%s" The #ystics !o"
EL- 3es, I see" So yo$ !o not a)ree +ith Car% I$n) that
#yths carry archety'a% an! in that sense #ystica% or
transcen!enta% i#'ortance<
It has to be cancer, is a%% I tho$)ht at that #o#ent" What
e%se co$%! it be< The !octor +i%% e1'%ain" The !octor +i%%
e1'%ain" The !octor " " " can )o .$#' in the %a*e" Da#n9
Da#n9 Da#n9 Where +as the !enia% an! re'ression +hen I
rea%%y nee!e! it<
B$t in a sense, !enia% an! re'ression is +hat E!ith +as
here to ta%* abo$t" We +ere to !isc$ss, 'rinci'a%%y, the
re%ation bet+een 'sychothera'y an! s'irit$a%ity" An! +e
+ere to !o this by )oin) into the )enera% #o!e% that I ha!
!e(e%o'e! +hich re%ate! these t+o #ost i#'ortant
atte#'ts at h$#an $n!erstan!in)"
This +as no #ere aca!e#ic concern &or #e, or &or Treya"
We +ere both !ee'%y in(o%(e! in o$r o+n thera'y, +ith
Sey#o$r an! others, an! +e ha! both been %on)/ter#
#e!itators" An! ho+ !i! the t+o re%ate to each other< This
+as a constant to'ic o& con(ersation bet+een Treya an!
#e, an! o$r &rien!s" I thin* one o& the reasons I ha! a)ree!
to ta%* +ith E!ith +as e1act%y that this iss$e +as no+
centra% to #y %i&e, in both a theoretica% an! a (ery 'ractica%
sense"
B$t, as E!iths >$estion ca#e &%oatin) bac* into #y
#in!, I rea%i8e! that +e ha! reache! a &or#i!ab%e obstac%e
to o$r !isc$ssion- Car% 6$sta( I$n)"
I &i)$re! this >$estion +o$%! co#e $'" Then, as no+, the
to+erin) &i)$re o& Car% I$n) 2 Ca#'be%% is b$t one o& his
#any &o%%o+ers 2 $tter%y !o#inates the &ie%! o& the
'sycho%o)y o& re%i)ion" When I &irst be)an in this &ie%!, I, %i*e
#ost, +as a stron) be%ie(er in I$n)s centra% conce'ts an!
in the 'ioneerin) e&&orts he ha! #a!e in this area" B$t o(er
the years I ha! co#e to be%ie(e that I$n) ha! #a!e so#e
'ro&o$n! errors, an! these errors +ere no+ a )reat obstac%e
+ithin the &ie%! o& trans'ersona% 'sycho%o)y, #a!e a%% the
+orse by the &act that they +ere so +i!es'rea! an! so
a''arent%y $ncha%%en)e!" No con(ersation abo$t
'sycho%o)y an! re%i)ion co$%! rea%%y e(en )et starte! $nti%
this !i&&ic$%t an! !e%icate to'ic +as a!!resse!, an! so &or
the ne1t ha%& ho$r or so E!ith an! I +ent into it" Di! I, in
&act, !isa)ree +ith I$n) that #yths +ere archety'a% an!
there&ore #ystica%<
;W- I$n) &o$n! that #o!ern #en an! +o#en can
s'ontaneo$s%y 'ro!$ce (irt$a%%y a%% o& the #ain
the#es o& the +or%!s #ythic re%i)ions, they !o so in
!rea#s, in acti(e i#a)ination, in &ree association, an!
so on" =ro# this he !e!$ce! that the basic #ythic
&or#s, +hich he ca%%e! archety'es, are co##on in a%%
'eo'%e, are inherite! by a%% 'eo'%e, an! are carrie! in
+hat he ca%%e! the co%%ecti(e $nconscio$s" He then
#a!e the c%ai# that, an! I >$ote, 0#ysticis# is
e1'erience o& the archety'es"0
In #y o'inion there are se(era% 'rob%e#s +ith that
(ie+" One, it is !e&inite%y tr$e that the #in!, e(en the
#o!ern #in!, can s'ontaneo$s%y 'ro!$ce #ythic
&or#s that are essentia%%y si#i%ar to the &or#s &o$n!
in #ythic re%i)ions" As I sai!, the 're&or#a% sta)es o&
the #in!s !e(e%o'#ent, 'artic$%ar%y 'reo'erationa%
an! concrete o'erationa% tho$)ht, are #yth/
'ro!$cin) by their (ery nat$re" Since a%% #o!ern #en
an! +o#en 'ass thro$)h those sta)es o&
!e(e%o'#ent in chi%!hoo!, o& co$rse a%% #en an!
+o#en ha(e s'ontaneo$s access to that ty'e o&
#ythic tho$)ht/'ro!$cin) str$ct$re, es'ecia%%y in
!rea#s, +here 'ri#iti(e %e(e%s o& the 'syche can
#ore easi%y s$r&ace"
B$t theres nothin) #ystica% abo$t that"
Archety'es, accor!in) to I$n), are basic #ythic forms
!e(oi! o& content, '$re #ysticis# is formless
a+areness" Theres no 'oint o& contact"
Secon!, there is I$n)s +ho%e $se o& the +or!
0archety'e,0 a notion he borro+e! &ro# the )reat
#ystics, s$ch as 7%ato an! A$)$stine" B$t the +ay
I$n) $ses the ter# is not the +ay those #ystics $se
the ter#, nor in &act the +ay #ystics the +or%! o(er
$se that conce't" =or the #ystics 2 Shan*ara, 7%ato,
A$)$stine, Ec*hart, 6arab Dor.e, an! so on 2
archety'es are the &irst s$bt%e &or#s that a''ear as
the +or%! #ani&ests o$t o& &or#%ess an! $n#ani&est
S'irit" They are the 'atterns $'on +hich a%% other
'atterns o& #ani&estation are base!" =ro# the 6ree*
arche typon, ori)ina% 'attern" S$bt%e, transcen!enta%
&or#s that are the &irst &or#s o& #ani&estation,
+hether that #ani&estation is 'hysica%, bio%o)ica%,
#enta%, +hate(er" An! in #ost &or#s o& #ysticis#,
these archety'es are nothin) b$t ra!iant 'atterns or
'oints o& %i)ht, a$!ib%e i%%$#inations, bri%%iant%y co%ore!
sha'es an! %$#inosities, rainbo+s o& %i)ht an! so$n!
an! (ibration 2 o$t o& +hich, in #ani&estation, the
#ateria% +or%! con!enses, so to s'ea*"
B$t I$n) $ses the ter# as certain basic #ythic
str$ct$res that are co%%ecti(e to h$#an e1'erience,
%i*e the tric*ster, the sha!o+, the Wise O%! Man, the
e)o, the 'ersona, the 6reat Mother, the ani#a, the
ani#$s, an! so on" These are not so #$ch
transcen!enta% as they are e1istentia%" They are
si#'%y &acets o& e1'erience that are co##on to the
e#eryday h$#an con!ition" I a)ree that those #ythic
&or#s are co%%ecti(e%y inherite! in the 'syche" An! I
a)ree entire%y +ith I$n) that it is (ery i#'ortant to
co#e to ter#s +ith those #ythic 0archety'es"0
I&, &or e1a#'%e, I a# ha(in) 'sycho%o)ica% tro$b%e
+ith #y #other, i& I ha(e a so/ca%%e! #other co#'%e1,
it is i#'ortant to rea%i8e that #$ch o& that e#otiona%
char)e co#es not .$st &ro# #y in!i(i!$a% #other b$t
&ro# the 6reat Mother, a 'o+er&$% i#a)e in #y
co%%ecti(e $nconscio$s that is in essence the
!isti%%ation o& #others e(ery+here" That is, the
'syche co#es +ith the i#a)e o& the 6reat Mother
e#be!!e! in it, .$st as the 'syche co#es a%rea!y
e>$i''e! +ith the r$!i#entary &or#s o& %an)$a)e an!
o& 'erce'tion an! o& (ario$s instinct$a% 'atterns" I&
the 6reat Mother i#a)e is acti(ate!, I a# not !ea%in)
+ith .$st #y in!i(i!$a% #other, b$t +ith tho$san!s o&
years o& the h$#an e1'erience +ith #otherin) in
)enera%, so the 6reat Mother i#a)e carries a char)e
an! has an i#'act &ar beyon! +hat anythin) #y o+n
#other co$%! 'ossib%y !o on her o+n" Co#in) to
ter#s +ith the 6reat Mother, thro$)h a st$!y o& the
+or%!s #yths, is a )oo! +ay to !ea% +ith that #ythic
&or#, to #a*e it conscio$s an! th$s !i&&erentiate &ro#
it" I a)ree entirely +ith I$n) on that #atter" B$t those
#ythic &or#s ha(e nothin) to !o +ith #ysticis#, +ith
)en$ine transcen!enta% a+areness"
Let #e e1'%ain it #ore si#'%y" I$n)s #a.or
#ista*e, in #y o'inion, +as to con&$se co%%ecti(e +ith
trans'ersona% 4or #ystica%5" I$st beca$se #y #in!
inherits certain co%%ecti(e &or#s !oes not #ean those
&or#s are #ystica% or trans'ersona%" We a%%
co%%ecti(e%y inherit ten toes, &or e1a#'%e, b$t i& I
e1'erience #y toes I a# not ha(in) a #ystica%
e1'erience9 I$n)s 0archety'es0 ha(e %itt%e to !o +ith
)en$ine%y transcen!enta%, #ystica%, trans'ersona%
a+areness, rather, they are co%%ecti(e%y inherite!
&or#s that !isti%% so#e o& the (ery basic, e(ery!ay,
e1istentia% enco$nters o& the h$#an con!ition 2 %i&e,
!eath, birth, #other, &ather, sha!o+, e)o, an! so on"
Nothin) #ystica% abo$t it" Co%%ecti(e, yes,
trans'ersona%, no"
There are co%%ecti(e 're'ersona%, co%%ecti(e
'ersona%, an! co%%ecti(e trans'ersona% e%e#ents, an!
I$n) !oes not !i&&erentiate these +ith anythin) near
the c%arity that they !e#an!, an! this s*e+s his
entire $n!erstan!in) o& the s'irit$a% 'rocess, in #y
o'inion"
So I a)ree +ith I$n) that it is (ery i#'ortant to
co#e to ter#s +ith the &or#s in both the 'ersona%
an! the co%%ecti(e #ythic $nconscio$s, b$t neither
one o& those has #$ch to !o +ith rea% #ysticis#,
+hich is &irst, &in!in) the %i)ht beyon! &or#, then,
&in!in) the &or#%ess beyon! the %i)ht"
EL- B$t co#in) across archety'a% #ateria% in the 'syche
can be a (ery 'o+er&$%, so#eti#es o(er+he%#in)
e1'erience"
;W- 3es, beca$se they are co%%ecti(e, their 'o+er is +ay
beyon! the in!i(i!$a%, they ha(e the 'o+er o& a
#i%%ion years o& e(o%$tion behin! the#" B$t co%%ecti(e
is not necessari%y trans'ersona%" The 'o+er o& the
0rea% archety'es,0 the trans'ersona% archety'es,
co#es !irect%y &ro# bein) the &irst &or#s o& ti#e%ess
S'irit, the 'o+er o& the I$n)ian archety'e co#es &ro#
bein) the o%!est &or#s in te#'ora% history"
As e(en I$n) rea%i8e!, it is necessary to #o(e
a+ay &ro# the archety'es, to !i&&erentiate &ro# the#,
to be &ree o& their 'o+er" This 'rocess he ca%%e!
in!i(i!$ation" An! a)ain, I a)ree entire%y +ith hi# on
that iss$e" One #$st !i&&erentiate &ro# the I$n)ian
archety'e"
B$t one #$st mo#e to%ard the rea% archety'es,
the trans'ersona% archety'es, $%ti#ate%y to ha(e
ones i!entity shi&t entire%y to that trans'ersona% &or#"
Bi) !i&&erence" One o& the &e+ I$n)ian archety'es that
is )en$ine%y trans'ersona% is the Se%&, b$t e(en his
!isc$ssion o& that is +ea*ene!, in #y o'inion, by
&ai%in) to s$&&icient%y e#'hasi8e its $%ti#ate%y non!$a%
character" So " " "
EL- O;, I thin* thats (ery c%ear" So no+ I be%ie(e +e can
ret$rn to o$r ori)ina% to'ic" I )$ess I +o$%! as* " " "
E!iths enth$sias# +as in&ectio$s" Her s#i%e %it $' &ro#
>$estion to >$estion, she ne(er see#e! to tire" An! it +as
her enth$sias# #ore than anythin) that he%'e! *ee' #y
#in! o&& that bac*)ro$n! !rea! that +as #enacin) in its
caress" I )ot E!ith so#e #ore .$ice"
EL- I )$ess I +o$%! as*, +hat is the re%ation bet+een
esoteric re%i)ion an! 'sychothera'y< In other +or!s,
+hat is the re%ation bet+een #e!itation an!
'sychothera'y, since both c%ai# to chan)e
conscio$sness, to hea% the so$%< 3o$ a!!ress this
iss$e (ery care&$%%y in Transformations of
(onsciousness" 7erha's yo$ co$%! .$st s$##ari8e
that state#ent"
;W- A%% ri)ht" I s$''ose the easiest +ay is &or #e to
e1'%ain the !ia)ra# in Transformations 4see abo(e5"
The o(era%% i!ea is si#'%e- 6ro+th an! !e(e%o'#ent
occ$r thro$)h a series o& +a(es or %e(e%s, &ro# the
%east !e(e%o'e! an! %east inte)rate! to the #ost
!e(e%o'e! an! #ost inte)rate!" There are 'robab%y
!o8ens o& !i&&erent +a(es an! %e(e%s o& )ro+th, I ha(e
se%ecte! nine o& the #ost i#'ortant" These are %iste!
in co%$#n one, 0basic str$ct$res o& conscio$sness"0
No+, as the se%& !e(e%o's at each +a(e, thin)s can
)o either re%ati(e%y +e%% or re%ati(e%y 'oor%y" I& thin)s
)o +e%%, the se%& !e(e%o's nor#a%%y an! #o(es on to
the ne1t sta)e in a re%ati(e%y +e%%/&$nctionin) +ay"
B$t i& thin)s )o 'ersistent%y ba!%y at a )i(en sta)e,
then (ario$s 'atho%o)ies can !e(e%o', an! the ty'e o&
'atho%o)y, the ty'e o& ne$rosis, !e'en!s %ar)e%y on
the sta)e or %e(e% at +hich the 'rob%e# occ$rs"
In other +or!s, at each sta)e o& !e(e%o'#ent, the
se%& is &ace! +ith certain tas*s" Ho+ it ne)otiates
those tas*s !eter#ines +hether it +in!s $' re%ati(e%y
hea%thy or re%ati(e%y !ist$rbe!" =irst an! &ore#ost, at
each sta)e o& !e(e%o'#ent, the se%& starts o$t
i!enti&ie! +ith that sta)e, an! it #$st acco#'%ish the
tas*s a''ro'riate to that sta)e, +hether %earnin)
toi%et trainin) or %earnin) %an)$a)e" B$t in or!er &or
!e(e%o'#ent to contin$e, the se%& has to %et )o o& that
sta)e, or !isi!enti&y +ith it, in or!er to #a*e roo# &or
the ne+ an! hi)her sta)e" In other +or!s, it has to
differentiate &ro# the %o+er sta)e, identify +ith the
hi)her sta)e, an! then integrate the hi)her +ith the
%o+er"
This tas* o& !i&&erentiation an! then inte)ration is
ca%%e! a 0&$%cr$#0 2 it .$st #eans a #a.or t$rnin)
'oint or a #a.or ste' in !e(e%o'#ent" So in co%$#n
t+o, %abe%e! 0corres'on!in) &$%cr$#s,0 +e ha(e the
nine #a.or &$%cr$#s or t$rnin) 'oints that corres'on!
to the nine #a.or %e(e%s or sta)es o& conscio$sness
!e(e%o'#ent" I& anythin) )oes 'ersistent%y +ron) at a
)i(en &$%cr$#, then yo$ )et a s'eci&ic an!
characteristic 'atho%o)y" These nine #a.or
'atho%o)ies are %iste! in co%$#n three, 0characteristic
'atho%o)ies"0 Here yo$ &in! thin)s %i*e 'sychoses,
ne$roses, e1istentia% crises, an! so on"
=ina%%y, !i&&erent treat#ent #etho!s ha(e e(o%(e!
o(er the years to treat these (ario$s 'atho%o)ies, an!
I(e %iste! those treat#ents in co%$#n &o$r,
0treat#ent #o!a%ities,0 the treat#ents that I thin*
ha(e been !e#onstrate! to be the best or #ore
a''ro'riate &or each 'artic$%ar 'rob%e#" An! this is
e1act%y +here the re%ation o& 'sychothera'y an!
#e!itation co#es in, as I )$ess +e%% see"
EL- There is a %ar)e a#o$nt o& in&or#ation 'ac*e! into
that si#'%e !ia)ra#" Why !ont +e )o o(er each o& its
'oints in a %itt%e #ore !etai%" Start +ith a brie&
e1'%anation o& the basic str$ct$res o& conscio$sness"
;W- Basic str$ct$res are the &$n!a#enta% b$i%!in) b%oc*s
o& a+areness, thin)s %i*e sensations, i#a)es,
i#'$%ses, conce'ts, an! so on" I ha(e %iste! nine
#a.or basic str$ct$res, +hich are .$st an e1'an!e!
(ersion o& +hat is *no+n in the 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy
as the 6reat Chain o& Bein)- #atter, bo!y, #in!, so$%,
an! s'irit" In ascen!in) or!er, the nine %e(e%s are-
One, the sensori'hysica% str$ct$res 2 these inc%$!e
the #ateria% co#'onents o& the bo!y '%$s sensation
an! 'erce'tion" This is +hat 7ia)et ca%%e!
sensori#otor inte%%i)ence, +hat A$robin!o ca%%e! the
'hysica%/sensory, +hat Ae!anta ca%%s the annamaya<
!osha, an! so on"
T+o, the 'hantas#ic/e#otiona% 2 this is the
e#otiona%/se1$a% %e(e%, the %e(e% o& i#'$%se, o& %ibi!o,
e%an (ita%, bioener)y, prana" 7%$s the %e(e% o& i#a)es,
the &irst #enta% &or#s" I#a)es 2 +hat Arieti ca%%s the
0'hantas#ic %e(e%0 2 start to e#er)e in the in&ant
aro$n! se(en #onths or so"
Three, the re'resentationa% #in!, or re'/#in! &or
short 2 +hat 7ia)et ca%%e! 'reo'erationa% thin*in)" It
consists o& sy#bo%s, +hich e#er)e bet+een the a)es
o& t+o an! &o$r years, an! then conce'ts, +hich
e#er)e bet+een the a)es o& &o$r an! se(en"
EL- What is the !i&&erence bet+een i#a)es, sy#bo%s, an!
conce'ts<
;W- An i#a)e re'resents a thin) by %oo*in) %i*e that
thin)" Its &air%y si#'%e" The i#a)e o& a tree, &or
e1a#'%e, %oo*s #ore or %ess %i*e a rea% tree" A sy#bo%
re'resents a thin) b$t it !oesnt %oo* %i*e that thin),
+hich is a #$ch har!er an! hi)her tas*" =or e1a#'%e,
the +or! 0=i!o0 re'resents yo$r !o), b$t it !oesnt
%oo* %i*e the rea% !o) at a%%, an! so its har!er to ho%!
in #in!" Thats +hy +or!s e#er)e on%y a&ter i#a)es"
=ina%%y, a conce't re'resents a class o& thin)s" The
conce't o& 0!o)0 #eans a%% 'ossib%e !o)s, not .$st
=i!o" A har!er tas* sti%%" A sy#bo% !enotes, a conce't
connotes" B$t sy#bo%s an! conce'ts to)ether +e
re&er to as the 'reo'erationa% or re'resentationa%
#in!"
EL- An! ne1t, the r$%e?ro%e #in!<
;W- Le(e% &o$r, the r$%e?ro%e #in!, !e(e%o's bet+een the
a)es o& se(en an! e%e(en or so, +hat 7ia)et ca%%e!
concrete o'erationa% thin*in)" The B$!!hists ca%% it
the mano#i8nana, the #in! concrete%y o'eratin) on
sensory e1'erience" I ca%% it r$%e?ro%e, beca$se it is the
&irst str$ct$re that can 'er&or# r$%e/!o#inate!
thin*in), %i*e #$%ti'%ication or !i(ision, an! it is the
&irst str$ct$re that can ta*e the ro%e o& other, or
act$a%%y ass$#e a 'ers'ecti(e !i&&erent &ro# its o+n"
Its a (ery i#'ortant str$ct$re" 7ia)et ca%%s it concrete
o'erationa% beca$se, a%tho$)h it can 'er&or# co#'%e1
o'erations, it !oes so in a (ery concrete an! %itera%
+ay" This is the str$ct$re, &or e1a#'%e, that thin*s
that #yths are concrete%y tr$e, %itera%%y tr$e" I +o$%!
%i*e to e#'hasi8e that"
Le(e% &i(e, +hich I ca%% &or#a%/re&%e1i(e, is the &irst
str$ct$re that can not on%y thin* b$t thin* abo$t
thin*in)" It is th$s hi)h%y intros'ecti(e, an! it is
ca'ab%e o& hy'othetica% reasonin), or testin)
'ro'ositions a)ainst e(i!ence" What 7ia)et ca%%e!
&or#a% o'erationa% thin*in)" It ty'ica%%y e#er)es in
a!o%escence, an! is res'onsib%e &or the b$r)eonin)
se%&/conscio$sness an! +i%! i!ea%is# o& that 'erio!"
A$robin!o re&ers to this as the 0reasonin) #in!0,
Ae!anta ca%%s it the manomaya<!osha"
Le(e% si1 is e1istentia%, or (ision/%o)ic, a %o)ic
+hich is not !i(isi(e b$t inc%$si(e, inte)ratin),
net+or*in), .oinin)" What A$robin!o ca%%e! the
0hi)her #in!0, in B$!!his#, the manas" It is a (ery
inte)rati(e str$ct$re" 7artic$%ar%y, it is ca'ab%e o&
inte)ratin) the #in! an! bo!y into a hi)her/or!er
$nion, +hich I ca%% the 0centa$r,0 sy#bo%i8in) #in!/
bo!y $nion 4not i!entity5"
Le(e% se(en is ca%%e! 'sychic, +hich !oesnt #ean
'sychic ca'acities 'er se, a%tho$)h these #i)ht be)in
to !e(e%o' here" B$t basica%%y it .$st #eans the
be)innin) sta)es o& trans'ersona%, s'irit$a%, or
conte#'%ati(e !e(e%o'#ent" What A$robin!o ca%%e!
the 0i%%$#ine! #in!"0
Le(e% ei)ht is ca%%e! the s$bt%e, or the inter#e!iate
sta)e o& s'irit$a% !e(e%o'#ent, the ho#e o& (ario$s
%$#ino$s &or#s, !i(ine &or#s or Deity &or#s, *no+n
as yidam in B$!!his# an! ishtade#a in Hin!$is# 4not
to be con&$se! +ith the co%%ecti(e #ythic &or#s o&
%e(e%s three an! &o$r5" The ho#e o& a 'ersona% 6o!,
the ho#e o& the 0rea%0 trans'ersona% archety'es an!
s$'ra/in!i(i!$a% &or#s" A$robin!os 0int$iti(e #in!0,
#i8nanamaya<!osha in Ae!anta, in B$!!his#, the
alaya<#i8nana"
Le(e% nine is the ca$sa%, or the '$re $n#ani&est
so$rce o& a%% the other an! %o+er %e(e%s" The ho#e,
not o& a 'ersona% 6o!, b$t o& a &or#%ess 6o!hea! or
Abyss" A$robin!os 0o(er#in!0, in Ae!anta, the
anandamaya<!osha, the b%iss bo!y"
=ina%%y, the 'a'er on +hich the entire !ia)ra# is
!ra+n re'resents $%ti#ate rea%ity, or abso%$te S'irit,
+hich is not a %e(e% a#on) other %e(e%s b$t the
6ro$n! an! Rea%ity o& a%% %e(e%s" A$robin!os
0s$'er#in!0, in B$!!his#, the '$re alaya, in
Ae!anta, turiya"
EL- So %e(e% one is #atter, %e(e% t+o is bo!y, %e(e%s three,
&o$r, an! &i(e are #in!"
;W- Thats ri)ht" An! %e(e% si1 is an inte)ration o& the #in!
an! bo!y, +hat I ca%% the centa$r, %e(e%s se(en an!
ei)ht are so$%, an! %e(e% nine '%$s the 'a'er are
S'irit" As I sai!, its .$st an e%aboration on #atter,
bo!y, #in!, so$%, an! s'irit, b$t !one in a +ay that
can tie it $' +ith 'sycho%o)ica% research in the West"
EL- So at each o& the nine +a(es o& conscio$sness
)ro+th, the se%& is &ace! +ith (ario$s tas*s"
;W- 3es" The in&ant starts o$t at sta)e one, +hich is
basica%%y the #ateria% or 'hysica% %e(e%" Its e#otions 2
%e(e% t+o 2 are (ery cr$!e an! $n!e(e%o'e!, an! it
has no ca'acity &or sy#bo%s, conce'ts, r$%es, an! so
&orth" It is basica%%y a 'hysio%o)ica% se%&" Moreo(er, it is
$n!i&&erentiate! &ro# the #otherin) one an! the
#ateria% +or%! aro$n! it, so/ca%%e! a!$a%is# or
oceanic or 'roto'%as#ic a+areness"
EL- Many theorists #aintain that this oceanic or
$n!i&&erentiate! state is a ty'e o& 'roto/#ystica%
state?since the s$b.ect an! ob.ect are one" That this
state is the $nity state that is re)aine! in #ysticis#"
Do yo$ a)ree +ith that<
The s>$irre%s +ere bac*9 In an! o$t o& the )iant re!+oo!
trees, '%ayin) in the b%iss o& i)norance" I +on!ere! i& yo$
co$%! se%% yo$r so$%, not to the De(i% b$t a s>$irre%"
When E!ith bro$)ht $' the s$b.ect o& the in&anti%e &$sion
state bein) so#ethin) o& a 'rototy'e o& #ysticis#, she ha!
hit $'on the #ost hot%y !ebate! iss$e in trans'ersona%
circ%es" Many theorists, &o%%o+in) I$n), #aintaine! that
since #ysticis# is a s$b.ect?ob.ect $nion, then this ear%y
$n!i&&erentiate! &$sion state #$st be +hat is so#eho+
recaptured in #ystica% $nity" Bein) an ear%ier &o%%o+er o&
I$n), I ha! a)ree! +ith that 'osition, an! ha! in!ee!
+ritten se(era% essays e1'%ainin) it" B$t as +ith #$ch o&
I$n), it +as no+ a 'osition I &o$n! $ntenab%e" An! #ore
than that, annoyin), beca$se it $n#ista*ab%y #eant that
#ysticis# is a re)ressi(e state o& so#e sort or another" This
+as, as they say, a rea% sore s'ot +ith #e"
;W- I$st beca$se the in&ant cant te%% the !i&&erence
bet+een s$b.ect an! ob.ect, theorists thin* that state
is so#e sort o& #ystica% $nion" Its nothin) o& the sort"
The in&ant !oesnt transcen! s$b.ect an! ob.ect, the
in&ant .$st cant !i&&erentiate the# in the &irst '%ace"
Mystics are 'er&ect%y a+are o& the con(entiona%
!i&&erence bet+een s$b.ect an! ob.ect, they are
si#'%y a%so a+are o& the %ar)er bac*)ro$n! i!entity
that $nites the#"
Moreo(er, the #ystica% $nion is a $nion +ith all
%e(e%s o& e1istence, 'hysica%, bio%o)ica%, #enta%, an!
s'irit$a%" The in&anti%e &$sion state is an i!entity +ith
8ust the 'hysica% or sensori#otor %e(e%" As 7ia)et sai!,
0The se%& is here #ateria%, so to s'ea*"0 Thats not a
$nion +ith the A%%, theres nothin) #ystica% abo$t it"
EL- B$t in the in&anti%e &$sion state there is a $nion o&
s$b.ect an! ob.ect"
;W- Its not a $nion, its an in!issociation" A $nion is t+o
se'arate thin)s bro$)ht to)ether in a hi)her
inte)ration" In in&anti%e &$sion, there are not t+o
thin)s to be)in +ith, .$st a )%oba% $n!i&&erentiation"
3o$ cannot inte)rate that +hich is not &irst
!i&&erentiate!" Besi!es, e(en if +e say that this
in&anti%e state is a $nion o& s$b.ect an! ob.ect, %et #e
re'eat that the sub8ect here is #ere%y a sensorimotor
s$b.ect $n!i&&erentiate! &ro# a sensori#otor +or%!, it
is not a tota% inte)rate! s$b.ect o& all %e(e%s $nite!
+ith all hi)her +or%!s" In other +or!s, it isnt e(en a
'rototy'e o& #ystica% $nion, it is rather the precise
o''osite o& the #ystica% state" The in&anti%e &$sion
state is the )reatest 'oint o& a%ienation or se'aration
&ro# a%% o& the hi)her %e(e%s an! hi)her +or%!s +hose
tota% inte)ration or $nion constit$tes #ysticis#"
This, inci!enta%%y, is +hy the Christian #ystics
#aintain that yo$ are born in sin or se'aration or
a%ienation, its not so#ethin) that yo$ !o a&ter yo$
are born, b$t so#ethin) that yo$ are &ro# birth or
conce'tion, an! so#ethin) that can on%y be
o(erco#e thro$)h )ro+th an! !e(e%o'#ent an!
e(o%$tion, &ro# #atter to #in! to s'irit" The in&anti%e
#ateria% &$sion state, in #y o'inion, is the start an!
%o+est 'oint o& that )ro+th, not so#e sort o& #ystica%
're&i)$ration o& its en!"
EL- Thats re%ate! to +hat yo$ ca%% the 0're?trans &a%%acy"0
;W- 3es" The ear%y !e(e%o'#enta% sta)es are %ar)e%y
're'ersona%, in that a se'arate an! in!i(i!$ate!
'ersona% e)o has not yet e#er)e!" The #i!!%e sta)es
o& )ro+th are 'ersona% or e)oic" An! the hi)hest
sta)es are trans'ersona% or transe)oic"
My 'oint is that 'eo'%e ten! to con&$se the 0're0
states +ith the 0trans0 states beca$se they
s$'er&icia%%y %oo* a%i*e" Once yo$ ha(e e>$ate! the
in&anti%e &$sion state 2 +hich is 're'ersona% 2 +ith the
#ystica% $nion 2 +hich is trans'ersona% 2 then one o&
t+o thin)s ha''ens" 3o$ either e%e(ate that in&anti%e
state to a #ystica% $nion it !oes not 'ossess, or yo$
ne)ate a%% )en$ine #ysticis# by c%ai#in) it is nothin)
b$t a re)ression to in&anti%e narcissis# an! oceanic
a!$a%is#" I$n) an! the Ro#antic #o(e#ent o&ten !o
the &irst 2 they ten! to e%e(ate 're/e)oic an!
'rerationa% states to transe)oic an! transrationa%
)%ory" Theyre 0e%e(ationists"0 An! =re$! an! his
&o%%o+ers !o .$st the o''osite- they re!$ce a%%
transrationa%, transe)oic, )en$ine%y #ystica% states to
'rerationa%, 're/e)oic, in&anti%e states" Theyre
0re!$ctionists"0 Both ca#'s are ha%& ri)ht, ha%& +ron)"
6en$ine #ysticis# !oes e1ist, an! theres 'recise%y
nothin) in&anti%e abo$t it at a%%" Sayin) other+ise is
%i*e con&$sin) 'reschoo% +ith 'ost)ra!$ate schoo%, its
*in! o& cra8y, an! tota%%y con&$ses the sit$ation"
The s>$irre%s +ere no+ &rantic in their '%ay" E!ith *e't
s#i%in) an! )ent%y as*in) >$estions" I +on!ere! i& any o&
#y an)er at the 0#ysticis#is/re)ression0 notion sho+e!
thro$)h"
EL- O*ay, so +e can no+ ret$rn to the ori)ina% to'ic" The
in&ant is basica%%y at sta)e one, at the
sensori'erce't$a% %e(e%, +hich +e #ay )rant is not
#ystica%" An! i& so#ethin) )oes +ron) at this sta)e
o& !e(e%o'#ent<
;W- Since this %e(e% is so 'ri#iti(e, !ist$rbances here are
(ery )ra(e" I& the in&ant &ai%s to !i&&erentiate itse& &ro#
the en(iron#ent, then its e)o bo$n!aries re#ain
co#'%ete%y &ra)i%e an! !i&&$se" The in!i(i!$a% cant te%%
+here his or her bo!y sto's an! the chair be)ins"
There is a ha%%$cinatory b%$rrin) o& bo$n!aries
bet+een insi!e an! o$tsi!e, bet+een !rea# an!
rea%ity" This is, o& co$rse, a!$a%is#, one o& the
!e&inin) characteristics o& 'sychoses" Its a se(ere
'atho%o)y a&&ectin) the #ost 'ri#iti(e an! basic %e(e%
o& e1istence, the #ateria% se%&" In in&ancy this
!ist$rbance contrib$tes to a$tis# an! sy#biotic
'sychoses, i& it 'ersists to any %ar)e !e)ree in
a!$%thoo!, it contrib$tes to !e'ressi(e 'sychoses an!
#any a!$%t schi8o'hrenias"
I ha(e %iste! the treat#ent #o!a%ity as 0'hysio/
%o)ica%?'aci&ication,0 since $n&ort$nate%y the on%y
treat#ents that see# to rea%%y +or* are
'har#aco%o)ica% or c$sto!ia%"
EL- So as the ne1t %e(e%, %e(e% t+o, e#er)es<
;W- As the e#otiona%/'hantas#ic %e(e% e#er)es,
'artic$%ar%y !$rin) the &irst to the thir! years, the se%&
has to !i&&erentiate itse%& &ro# the #ateria% +or%! an!
i!enti&y instea! +ith the bio%o)ica% +or%! o& its
se'arate an! &ee%in) bo!y, an! then inte)rate the
'hysica% +or%! in its 'erce'tion" In other +or!s, the
se%& #$st brea* its e1c%$si(e i!entity +ith the #ateria%
se%& an! the #ateria% +or%! an! estab%ish a hi)her/
or!er i!entity +ith the bo!y, the bo!y as a se'arate
an! !istinct entity in the +or%!" This is &$%cr$# t+o,
+hich researchers s$ch as Mar)aret Mah%er ca%% the
0se'aration/in!i(i!$ation0 'hase o& !e(e%o'#ent" The
bo!yse%& has to se'arate an! in!i(i!$ate &ro# the
#other an! &ro# the 'hysica% +or%! at %ar)e"
EL- An! i& !i&&ic$%ties occ$r at that sta)e<
;W- Then the bo$n!aries o& the se%& re#ain (a)$e, &%$i!,
con&$se!" The +or%! see#s to 0e#otiona%%y &%oo!0 the
se%&, the se%& is (ery (o%ati%e an! $nstab%e" This is the
so/ca%%e! bor!er%ine syn!ro#es, 0bor!er%ine0 beca$se
it is bor!er%ine bet+een the 'sychoses o& the 're(io$s
%e(e% an! the ne$roses o& the s$bse>$ent %e(e%"
Re%ate! to this, b$t s%i)ht%y #ore 'ri#iti(e, are the
narcissistic !isor!ers, +here the se%&, 'recise%y
beca$se it has not &$%%y !i&&erentiate! itse%& &ro# the
+or%!, treats the +or%! %i*e its oyster an! 'eo'%e as
#ere e1tensions o& itse%&" Co#'%ete%y se%&/centere!, in
other +or!s, since +or%! an! se%& are the sa#e"
EL- An! the treat#ent &or these !isor!ers<
;W- It $se! to be tho$)ht that these !isor!ers +ere
$ntreatab%e beca$se they +ere so 'ri#iti(e" B$t
recent%y, s'$rre! by the +or* o& Mah%er, ;oh$t,
;ernber), an! others, a series o& treat#ents *no+n
as 0str$ct$re/b$i%!in) techni>$es0 ha(e been
!e(e%o'e! that are &air%y s$ccess&$%" Since the #ain
'rob%e# +ith the bor!er%ine !isor!ers is that the se%&
bo$n!aries are not yet &ir#, the str$ct$re/b$i%!in)
techni>$es !o .$st that- they b$i%! str$ct$res, they
b$i%! bo$n!aries, e)o bo$n!aries" They he%' the
'erson !i&&erentiate se%& an! other, by basica%%y
e1'%ainin) to the 'erson, an! sho+in) the 'erson,
that +hat ha''ens to the other !oes not necessari%y
ha''en to the se%&" 3o$ can !isa)ree +ith yo$r
#other, &or e1a#'%e, an! it +ont *i%% yo$" This is not
ob(io$s to so#eone +ho hasnt co#'%ete!
se'aration/in!i(i!$ation"
No+ its i#'ortant to rea%i8e that +ith these
bor!er%ine syn!ro#es, 'sychothera'y is not
atte#'tin) to !i) so#ethin) $' &ro# the
$nconscio$s" That !oesnt ha''en $nti% the ne1t %e(e%,
%e(e% three" In the bor!er%ine con!itions, the 'rob%e#
is not that a stron) e)o barrier is re'ressin) so#e
e#otion or !ri(e, the 'rob%e# is that there isnt a
stron) e)o barrier or bo$n!ary in the &irst '%ace"
There is no re'ression barrier, an! so there is no
!yna#ic $nconscio$s, an! so there is nothin) to !i)
$', as it +ere" In &act, the )oa% o& the str$ct$re/
b$i%!in) techni>$es is to )et the 'erson 0$'0 to the
%e(e% +here they can re'ress9 At this %e(e%, the se%&
.$st isnt stron) eno$)h to &orce&$%%y re'ress anythin)"
EL- So that, I ta*e it, occ$rs at the ne1t %e(e%, %e(e% three"
;W- 3es, thats ri)ht" Le(e% three, or the re'resentationa%
#in!, be)ins to e#er)e aro$n! a)e t+o or so an!
!o#inates a+areness $nti% aro$n! a)e se(en"
Sy#bo%s an! conce'ts, %an)$a)e itse%&, e#er)es, an!
this a%%o+s the chi%! to s+itch its i!entity &ro# a
#ere%y bo!y/base! se%& to a #enta% or e)oic se%&" The
chi%! is no %on)er .$st a bo!y !o#inate! by 'resent
&ee%in)s an! i#'$%ses, he or she is a%so a #enta% se%&,
+ith a na#e, +ith an i!entity, +ith ho'es an! +ishes
e1ten!e! thro$)h time" Lan)$a)e is the (ehic%e o&
ti#e, it is in %an)$a)e that the chi%! can thin* o&
yester!ay an! !rea# o& to#orro+, an! there&ore
re)ret the 'ast an! &ee% )$i%t, an! +orry abo$t the
&$t$re an! &ee% an1iety"
Th$s )$i%t an! an1iety e#er)e at this sta)e, an! i&
the an1iety is too )reat, then the se%& can an! +i%%
repress any tho$)hts or e#otions that ca$se an1iety"
These re'resse! tho$)hts an! e#otions, 'artic$%ar%y
se1, a))ression, an! 'o+er, constit$te the
!yna#ica%%y re'resse! $nconscio$s, +hat I ca%% 4a&ter
I$n)5 the sha!o+" I& the sha!o+ beco#es too #$ch,
too o(er%oa!e!, too &$%% as it +ere, then it er$'ts in a
+ho%e series o& 'ain&$% sy#'to#s *no+n as the
'sychone$roses, or ne$roses &or short"
So, at %e(e% three the #enta%/e)oic se%& e#er)es,
assiste! by %an)$a)e, an! %earns to !i&&erentiate itse%&
&ro# the bo!y" B$t i& that differentiation )oes too &ar,
the res$%t is dissociation, re'ression" The e)o !oesnt
transcen! the bo!y, it a%ienates it, casts it o$t" B$t
that on%y #eans that as'ects o& the bo!y an! its
+ishes re#ain as the sha!o+, 'ain&$%%y sabota)in)
the e)o in the &or# o& ne$rotic con&%ict"
EL- An! so treat#ent &or the ne$roses #eans contactin)
the sha!o+ an! reinte)ratin) it"
;W- 3es, thats ri)ht" These treat#ents are ca%%e!
0$nco(erin) techni>$es,0 beca$se they atte#'t to
$nco(er the sha!o+, brin) it to the s$r&ace, an! then
reinte)rate it, as yo$ say" To !o so, the re'ression
barrier, create! by %an)$a)e an! s$staine! by an1iety
an! )$i%t, has to be %i&te! or re%a1e!" The 'erson, &or
e1a#'%e, #i)ht be enco$ra)e! to say +hate(er
co#es into his #in! +itho$t censorin) it" B$t
+hate(er the techni>$e, the )oa% is essentia%%y the
sa#e- be&rien! an! reo+n the sha!o+"
EL- The ne1t sta)e<
;W- Le(e% &o$r, the r$%e?ro%e #in! 2 +hich ty'ica%%y rei)ns
bet+een the a)es o& se(en an! e%e(en 2 #ar*s so#e
(ery 'ro&o$n! shi&ts in conscio$sness" I& yo$ ta*e a
chi%! at %e(e% three, 'reo'erationa% tho$)ht, an! sho+
the chi%! a ba%% co%ore! re! on one si!e an! )reen on
the other, then '%ace the re! si!e to+ar! the chi%!
an! the )reen si!e to+ar! yo$, an! then as* the chi%!
+hat co%or you are %oo*in) at, the chi%! +i%% say re!" In
other +or!s, he or she cannot ta*e yo$r 'ers'ecti(e,
cannot ta*e the ro%e o& other" With the e#er)ence o&
concrete o'erationa% thin*in), the chi%! +i%% correct%y
say )reen" He or she can ta*e the ro%e o& other" A%so,
the chi%! at this sta)e can start to 'er&or# r$%e/
)o(erne! o'erations, %i*e c%ass inc%$sion,
#$%ti'%ication, hierarchi8ation, an! so on"
The chi%!, in other +or!s, increasin)%y inhabits a
+or%! o& ro%es an! o& r$%es" His or her beha(ior is
)o(erne! by scri'ts, by %in)$istic r$%es that )o(ern
beha(ior an! ro%es" We see this 'artic$%ar%y +ith a
chi%!s moral sense, as o$t%ine! by 7ia)et, ;oh%ber),
an! Caro% 6i%%i)an" In the 're(io$s sta)es, sta)es one
thro$)h three, the chi%!s #ora% sense is ca%%e!
'recon(entiona%, beca$se it is base!, not on #enta%
an! socia% r$%es, b$t on #ere bo!i%y re+ar! an!
'$nish#ent, '%eas$re an! 'ain 2 its se%&/centric or
narcissistic, as +e +o$%! e1'ect" B$t +ith the
e#er)ence o& the r$%e?ro%e #in!, the chi%!s #ora%
sense can be)in to shi&t &ro# 'recon(entiona% to
con(entiona% #o!es 2 it )oes &ro# se%&centric to
sociocentric"
An! this is (ery i#'ortant- beca$se the
con(entiona% or r$%e?ro%e #in! cannot yet introspect
+ith any !e)ree o& stren)th, the r$%es an! ro%es the
yo$n) chi%! %earns are &or a%% '$r'oses set in
concrete" The chi%! acce'ts these r$%es an! ro%es in
an $n>$estionin) &ashion 2 +hat researchers ca%% the
con&or#ist sta)e" Lac*in) intros'ection, the chi%!
cannot in!e'en!ent%y 8udge the#, an! so &o%%o+s
the# $nre&%e1i(e%y"
No+, #ost o& these r$%es an! ro%es are necessary
an! bene&icia%, at %east &or this sta)e, b$t so#e o&
the# #ay be &a%se or contra!ictory or #is%ea!in)" A
%ot o& o$r scri'ts, the scri'ts +e %i(e by, the scri'ts +e
)ot &ro# o$r 'arents, o$r society, +hate(er, are
si#'%y #yths, they arent tr$e, they are #is%ea!in)"
B$t the chi%! at this sta)e cannot .$!)e that9 The
chi%! at this sta)e ta*es so #any thin)s %itera%%y an!
concrete%y, an! i& these #ista*en be%ie&s 'ersist in
a!$%thoo!, yo$ ha(e a scri't 'atho%o)y" 3o$ #i)ht te%%
yo$rse%& that yo$re no )oo!, that yo$re rotten to the
core, that 6o! +i%% '$nish yo$ &or thin*in) ba!
tho$)hts, that yo$ are $n%o(ab%e, that yo$ are a
+retche! sinner, an! so on"
Treat#ent here 2 'artic$%ar%y the treat#ent *no+n
as co)niti(e thera'y 2 tries to $'root these #yths an!
e1'ose the# to the %i)ht o& reason an! e(i!ence" This
is ca%%e! scri't re+ritin), an! its (ery 'o+er&$%, (ery
e&&ecti(e thera'y, es'ecia%%y in cases o& !e'ression
an! %o+ se%&/estee#
EL- I thin* thats c%ear" What abo$t %e(e% &i(e<
;W- With the e#er)ence o& &or#a% o'erationa% thin*in),
$s$a%%y bet+een the a)es o& e%e(en an! &i&teen,
another >$ite e1traor!inary trans&or#ation occ$rs"
With &or#a% o'erationa% tho$)ht, the in!i(i!$a% can
reflect on the nor#s an! r$%es o& society an! th$s
.$!)e &or hi# or herse%& +hether they are +orthy or
not" This $shers in +hat ;oh%ber) an! 6i%%i)an ca%%
'ostcon(entiona% #ora%ity" It is no %on)er bo$n! to
con&or#ist socia% nor#s, no %on)er bo$n! to the tribe
or the )ro$' or the 'artic$%ar society, b$t rather
.$!)es actions accor!in) to #ore $ni(ersa% stan!ar!s
2 +hat is ri)ht, or &air, not .$st &or #y )ro$', b$t &or
'ersons at %ar)e" This #a*es sense, o& co$rse,
beca$se hi)her !e(e%o'#ent a%+ays #eans the
'ossibi%ity o& hi)her or #ore $ni(ersa% inte)ration 2 in
this case, &ro# se%&centric to sociocentric to
+or%!centric 2 on the +ay, I +o$%! a!!, to theocentric"
At this sta)e, too, the 'erson !e(e%o's the
ca'acity &or stron) an! s$staine! intros'ection" 0Who
a# I<0 beco#es &or the &irst ti#e a b$rnin) iss$e" No
%on)er 'rotecte! by, an! e#be!!e! in, the con&or#ist
r$%es an! ro%es o& the 'rece!in) sta)e, in!i(i!$a%s
here ha(e to &ashion their o+n i!entity, so to s'ea*" I&
there are 'rob%e#s here, the 'erson !e(e%o's +hat
Eri*son ca%%e! an identity crisis" An! the on%y
treat#ent &or that is #ore intros'ection" The
thera'ist here beco#es so#ethin) o& a 'hi%oso'her,
an! en)a)es the c%ient in a Socratic !ia%o)$e that
he%'s the# " " "
EL- He%'s the# &erret o$t &or the#se%(es .$st +ho they
are, +ho they +ant to be, the ty'e o& 'erson they can
be"
;W- 3es, thats ri)ht" Its not a )reat #ystica% >$est at this
'oint, its not %oo*in) &or the transcen!enta% Se%&,
ca'ita% S, that is one an! the sa#e in a%% 'eo'%e" Its
%oo*in) &or an a''ro'riate se%&, s#a%% s, not the
abso%$te Se%&, bi) S" Its (atcher in the Rye"
EL- The e1istentia% %e(e%<
;W- Iohn Bro$)hton, Iane Loe(in)er, an! se(era% other
researchers ha(e 'ointe! o$t that i& 'sycho%o)ica%
)ro+th contin$es, 'eo'%e can !e(e%o' a hi)h%y
inte)rate! 'ersona% se%&, +here, an! these are
Loe(in)ers +or!s, 0#in! an! bo!y are both
e1'eriences o& an inte)rate! se%&"0 This #in!/bo!y
inte)ration I ca%% the centa$r" 7rob%e#s at the centa$r
%e(e% are e1istentia% 'rob%e#s, 'rob%e#s inherent in
#ani&est e1istence itse%&, %i*e #orta%ity, &initit$!e,
inte)rity, a$thenticity, #eanin) in %i&e" Not that these
!ont co#e $' at other sta)es, on%y that they co#e to
the &ore here, they !o#inate" An! thera'ies that
a!!ress these concerns are the h$#anistic an!
e1istentia% thera'ies, the so/ca%%e! Thir! =orce 4a&ter
the =irst =orce o& 'sychoana%ysis an! the Secon!
=orce o& beha(ioris#5"
EL- O;, so no+ +e co#e to the hi)her %e(e%s o&
!e(e%o'#ent, startin) +ith the 'sychic"
;W- 3es" As yo$ contin$e to )ro+ an! e(o%(e into the
trans'ersona% +a(es, +a(es se(en thro$)h nine, yo$r
i!entity contin$es to e1'an!, &irst #o(in) beyon! the
se'arate bo!y#in! into the +i!er s'irit$a% an!
transcen!enta% !i#ensions o& e1istence, &ina%%y
c$%#inatin) in the +i!est i!entity 'ossib%e 2 the
s$'re#e i!entity, the i!entity o& yo$r a+areness an!
the $ni(erse at %ar)e 2 not .$st the physical $ni(erse,
b$t the #$%ti/!i#ensione!, !i(ine $ni(erse, theo/
centric"
The 'sychic %e(e% is si#'%y the be)innin) o& this
'rocess, the be)innin) o& the trans'ersona% sta)es"
3o$ #i)ht e1'erience &%ashes o& so/ca%%e! cos#ic
conscio$sness, yo$ #i)ht !e(e%o' certain 'sychic
ca'acities, yo$ #i)ht !e(e%o' a *een an! 'enetratin)
int$ition" B$t #ost%y yo$ si#'%y rea%i8e that yo$r o+n
a+areness is not con&ine! to the in!i(i!$a% bo!y/
#in!" 3o$ be)in to int$it that yo$r o+n a+areness
so#eho+ )oes beyon!, or s$r(i(es, the in!i(i!$a%
or)anis#" 3o$ start to be ab%e to #ere%y +itness the
e(ents o& the in!i(i!$a% bo!y#in!, beca$se yo$ are
no %on)er e1c%$si(e%y i!enti&ie! +ith the# or bo$n! to
the#, an! so yo$ !e(e%o' a #eas$re o& e>$ani#ity"
3o$ are starting to contact or int$it yo$r
transcen!enta% so$%, the Witness, +hich $%ti#ate%y
can %ea!, at the ca$sa% %e(e%, to a !irect i!entity +ith
S'irit"
EL- 3o$ ca%% the techni>$es o& this %e(e% the 'ath o& yo)is"
;W- 3es" =o%%o+in) Da =ree Iohn, I !i(i!e the )reat
#ystica% tra!itions into three c%asses, na#e%y, yo)is,
saints, an! sa)es" These a!!ress, res'ecti(e%y, the
'sychic, s$bt%e, an! ca$sa% %e(e%s" The yo)i harnesses
the ener)ies o& the in!i(i!$a% bo!y#in! in or!er to )o
beyon! the bo!y/#in!" As the bo!y#in!, inc%$!in)
#any o& its other+ise in(o%$ntary 'rocesses, is
bro$)ht $n!er ri)oro$s contro%, attention is &ree!
&ro# the bo!y#in! itse%& an! th$s ten!s to re(ert to
its trans'ersona% )ro$n!"
EL- This 'rocess, I ta*e it, contin$es into the s$bt%e %e(e%"
;W- 3es" As attention is 'ro)ressi(e%y &ree! &ro# the o$ter
+or%! o& the e1terna% en(iron#ent an! the inner +or%!
o& the bo!y#in!, a+areness starts to transcen! the
s$b.ect?ob.ect !$a%ity a%to)ether" The i%%$sory +or%! o&
!$a%ity starts to a''ear as it is in rea%ity 2 na#e%y, as
nothin) b$t a #ani&estation o& S'irit itse%&" The o$ter
+or%! starts to %oo* !i(ine, the inner +or%! starts to
%oo* !i(ine" That is, conscio$sness itse%& starts to
beco#e %$#ino$s, %i)ht/&i%%e!, n$#ino$s, an! it see#s
to !irect%y to$ch, e(en $nite +ith, Di(inity itse%&"
This is the 'ath o& the saints" Notice ho+ saints, in
both the East an! West, are $s$a%%y !e'icte! +ith
ha%os o& %i)ht aro$n! their hea!s< That is o&ten
sy#bo%ic o& the inner Li)ht o& the i%%$#ine! an!
int$iti(e #in!" At the 'sychic %e(e% yo$ start to
co##$ne +ith Di(inity or S'irit" B$t at the s$bt%e,
yo$ &in! a $nion +ith S'irit, the unio mystica" Not .$st
co##$nion, $nion"
EL- An! in the ca$sa%<
;W- The 'rocess is co#'%ete, the so$% or '$re Witness
!isso%(es in its So$rce, an! the union +ith 6o! )i(es
+ay to an identity +ith 6o!hea!, or the $n#ani&est
6ro$n! o& a%% bein)s" This is +hat the S$&is ca%% the
S$'re#e I!entity" 3o$ ha(e rea%i8e! yo$r
&$n!a#enta% i!entity +ith the Con!ition o& a%%
con!itions an! the Nat$re o& a%% nat$res an! the Bein)
o& a%% bein)s" Since S'irit is the s$chness or con!ition
o& a%% thin)s, it is 'er&ect%y co#'atib%e +ith a%% thin)s"
It is e(en nothin) s'ecia%" It is cho' +oo!, carry
+ater" =or this reason, in!i(i!$a%s +ho reach this
sta)e are o&ten !e'icte! as (ery or!inary 'eo'%e,
nothin) s'ecia% abo$t the#" This is the 'ath o& sa)es,
o& the +ise #en an! +o#en +ho are so +ise yo$
cant e(en s'ot it" They &it in, an! )o abo$t their
b$siness" In the Ten Len O1 Her!in) 7ict$res, +hich
!e'ict the sta)es on the 'ath to en%i)hten#ent, the
(ery %ast 'ict$re sho+s an or!inary 'erson enterin)
the #ar*et'%ace" The ca'tion says- They enter the
#ar*et'%ace +ith o'en han!s" Thats a%% it says"
EL- =ascinatin)" An! each o& these three hi)her sta)es
has its o+n 'ossib%e 'atho%o)ies<
;W- 3es, I be%ie(e so" I +ont )o into each o& the#, since
its a %on) to'ic" I%% .$st say that at each sta)e yo$
can beco#e attache! or &i1ate! to the e1'eriences o&
that sta)e 2 as yo$ can at any sta)e 2 an! this ca$ses
(ario$s !e(e%o'#enta% arrests an! 'atho%o)ies at that
%e(e%" An! there are, o& co$rse, s'eci&ic treat#ents &or
each" I try to o$t%ine a%% this in Transformations"
EL- So, in a sense, yo$ ha(e a%rea!y ans+ere! #y >$estion
abo$t the re%ation o& 'sychothera'y an! #e!itation"
By o$t%inin) the +ho%e s'ectr$# o& conscio$sness,
yo$ ha(e in e&&ect '%ace! each accor!in) to its ro%e"
;W- In a sense, yes" Let #e .$st a!! a &e+ 'oints" 7oint
n$#ber one, #e!itation is not 'ri#ari%y an
$nco(erin) techni>$e, %i*e 'sychoana%ysis" Its #a.or
ai# is not to %i&t the re'ression barrier an! a%%o+ the
sha!o+ to s$r&ace" No+ it may !o that, +hich I%%
e1'%ain, b$t the 'oint is that it #ay not" Its 'ri#ary
ai# is to s$s'en! #enta%/e)oic acti(ity in )enera% an!
th$s a%%o+ transe)oic or trans'ersona% a+areness to
!e(e%o', %ea!in) e(ent$a%%y to the !isco(ery o& the
Witness or the Se%&"
In other +or!s, #e!itation an! 'sychothera'y
)enera%%y ai# at >$ite !i&&erent %e(e%s o& the 'syche,
a%tho$)h there is #$ch o(er%a'" Len +i%% not
necessari%y, nor +as it !esi)ne! to, e%i#inate
'sychone$roses" Moreo(er, yo$ can !e(e%o' a &air%y
stron) sense o& the Witness an! sti%% be >$ite
ne$rotic" 3o$ .$st %earn to +itness yo$r ne$rosis,
+hich he%'s yo$ %i(e +ith the ne$rosis >$ite easi%y,
b$t !oes nothin) to $'root the ne$rosis itse%&" I& yo$
ha(e a bro*en bone, Len +ont #en! it, i& yo$ ha(e a
bro*en e#otiona% %i&e, Len +ont &$n!a#enta%%y &i1
that either" Its not s$''ose! to" I can te%% yo$ &ro#
'ersona% e1'erience that Len has !one #$ch to %et
#e %i(e +ith #y ne$roses, an! not #$ch at a%% &or
)ettin) ri! o& the#"
EL- Thats the .ob o& $nco(erin) techni>$es"
;W- E1act%y" There is (irt$a%%y nothin) in the #assi(e
a#o$nt o& the +or%!s )reat #ystica% an!
conte#'%ati(e %iterat$re abo$t the !yna#ic
$nconscio$s, the re'resse! $nconscio$s" This is a
rather $ni>$e !isco(ery an! contrib$tion o& #o!ern
E$ro'e"
EL- B$t +hen so#ebo!y ta*es $' #e!itation, so#eti#es
re'resse! #ateria% !oes er$'t"
;W- In!ee!" As I sai!, that #i)ht ha''en, the 'oint is, it
#i)ht not" This is +hat ta*es '%ace, in #y o'inion-
Lets ta*e a #e!itation that ai#s at the ca$sa% %e(e%,
the %e(e% o& the '$re Witness 4+hich e(ent$a%%y itse%&
!isso%(es into '$re non!$a% s'irit5" An e1a#'%e o& this
+o$%! be Len, (i'assana, or se%&/in>$iry 4o& the &or#
0Who a# I<0 or 0A(oi!in) re%ationshi'<05" No+, i& yo$
start Len #e!itation, an! i& yo$ ha(e a se(ere
ne$rosis, say a &$%cr$#/three !e'ression !$e to
se(ere re'ression o& an)er, this is +hat o&ten
ha''ens- As yo$ be)in to #ere%y +itness the e)o/
#in! an! its contents, instea! o& i!enti&yin) +ith
the# an! )ettin) ca$)ht $' in the# an! carrie! a+ay
by the#, then the #achinations o& the e)o start to
+in! !o+n" The e)o starts to re%a1, an! +hen it
re%a1es s$&&icient%y, it 0!ro's0 2 yo$ be)in to rest as
the Witness beyon! the e)o" No+, &or this to ha''en
it is not necessary that a%% 'arts o& the e)o re%a1" It is
on%y necessary &or yo$r )enera% ho%! on the e)o to %et
)o %on) eno$)h &or the Witness to shine thro$)h" No+
the re'ression barrier #i)ht be 'art o& +hat re%a1es,
i& so, yo$ are )oin) to !ere'ress, yo$ are )oin) to
ha(e sha!o+ e%e#ents, in this case ra)e, er$'t rather
!ra#atica%%y in a+areness" This ha''ens &air%y o&ten"
B$t so#eti#es it ha''ens not at a%%" The re'ression
barrier is si#'%y by'asse!, %e&t %ar)e%y intact" 3o$
re%a1 yo$r )enera% ho%! on the e)o %on) eno$)h to
te#'orari%y !ro' the e)o a%to)ether, b$t not %on)
eno$)h to re%a1 a%% 'arts o& the e)o itse%&, s$ch as the
re'ression barrier" An! since the re'ression barrier is
o&ten by'asse!, an! can be by'asse!, then the act$a%
#echanis# o& Len has to be e1'%aine! as so#ethin)
other than a #ere $nco(erin) techni>$e" That is
co#'%ete%y inci!enta% an! non#an!atory"
Li*e+ise, yo$ can $se $nco(erin) techni>$es a%%
yo$ +ant, an! yo$ +ont )et en%i)htene!, yo$ +ont
en! $' as the s$'re#e i!entity" =re$! +as not
B$!!ha, B$!!ha +as not =re$!" Tr$st #e"
EL- FLa$)hin)G I see" So yo$r reco##en!ation is that,
+hat, 'eo'%e $se 'sychothera'y an! #e!itation in a
co#'%e#entary &ashion, %ettin) each !o its res'ecti(e
.ob<
;W- 3es, thats e1act%y ri)ht" They are both 'o+er&$% an!
e&&ecti(e techni>$es that &$n!a#enta%%y ai# at
!i&&erent %e(e%s o& the s'ectr$# o& conscio$sness" This
is not to say that they !ont o(er%a', or that they
!ont share so#e thin)s in co##on, beca$se they !o"
E(en 'sychoana%ysis, &or e1a#'%e, trains to so#e
!e)ree the ca'acity &or +itnessin), since *ee'in)
0e(en%y ho(erin) attention0 is a 'rere>$isite &or &ree
association" B$t beyon! that ty'e o& si#i%arity, the
t+o techni>$es !i(er)e ra'i!%y, a!!ressin) (ery
!i&&erent !i#ensions o& a+areness" Me!itation can
he%' 'sychothera'y, in that it he%'s estab%ish
+itnessin) conscio$sness, an! it can assist in the
re'air o& so#e 'rob%e#s" An! 'sychothera'y can he%'
#e!itation, in that it &rees $' conscio$sness &ro# its
re'ressions an! entan)%e#ents in the %o+er %e(e%s"
B$t beyon! that, the ai#s, )oa%s, #etho!s, an!
!yna#ics !i&&er !ra#atica%%y"
EL- One %ast >$estion"
E!ith as*e! the >$estion, an! I !i!nt hear it" I +as
+atchin) the s>$irre%s, +ho !isa''eare! once a)ain into the
!ee'er recesses o& the &orest" Why ha! #y o+n abi%ity to
stan! as the Witness so thoro$)h%y !e'arte! #e< =i&teen
years o& #e!itation, !$rin) +hich I ha! ha! se(era%
$n#ista*ab%e 0*ensho0 e1'eriences, &$%%y con&ir#e! by #y
teachers 2 ho+ ha! this a%% %e&t #e< Where are the s>$irre%s
o& yesteryear<
In 'art, o& co$rse, it +as e1act%y +hat I +as te%%in) E!ith"
Me!itation !oes not necessari%y c$re the sha!o+" I ha!, too
o&ten, si#'%y $se! #e!itation to by'ass the e#otiona% +or*
I nee!e! to co#'%ete" I ha! $se! 8a8en to by'ass ne$rosis,
an! that it +i%% not !o" An! that I +as no+ in the 'rocess o&
re!ressin)""" "
EL- 3o$ ha(e sai! that each %e(e% o& the s'ectr$# o&
conscio$sness has inherent in it a 'artic$%ar
+or%!(ie+" Co$%! yo$ brie&%y e1'%ain +hat yo$ #ean
by that<
;W- The i!ea is this- What +o$%! the +or%! %oo* %i*e i& yo$
only ha(e the co)niti(e str$ct$res o& any )i(en %e(e%<
The +or%! (ie+s &ro# the nine %e(e%s are ca%%e!,
res'ecti(e%y, archaic, #a)ic, #ythic, #ythic/rationa%,
rationa%, e1istentia%, 'sychic, s$bt%e, an! ca$sa%" I%%
>$ic*%y r$n thro$)h the#"
I& yo$ ha(e only the str$ct$res o& %e(e% one, the
+or%! %oo*s &air%y $n!i&&erentiate!, a +or%! o&
participation mysti:ue, )%oba% &$sion, a!$a%is#" I ca%%
it archaic si#'%y beca$se o& its 'ri#iti(e nat$re"
As %e(e% t+o e#er)es, an! i#a)es !e(e%o', a%on)
+ith ear%y sy#bo%s, the se%& !i&&erentiates &ro# the
+or%! b$t is sti%% tie! to the +or%! (ery c%ose%y, in a
>$asi/&$se! state, an! so it thin*s it can #a)ica%%y
in&%$ence the +or%! by #ere%y thin*in) or +ishin)" A
)oo! e1a#'%e o& this is (oo!oo" I& I #a*e an i#a)e o&
yo$ an! then stic* a 'in in the i#a)e, I be%ie(e it +i%%
act$a%%y h$rt you" This is beca$se the i#a)e an! its
ob.ect are not c%ear%y !i&&erentiate!" This +or%!(ie+ is
ca%%e! #a)ic or #a)ica%"
As %e(e% three e#er)es, se%& an! other are &$%%y
!i&&erentiate!, an! so #a)ica% be%ie&s !ie !o+n, to be
re'%ace! by #ythic be%ie&s" I can no %on)er or!er the
+or%! aro$n!, as in #a)ic, b$t 6o! can, i& I *no+ ho+
to '%ease 6o!" I& I +ant #y 'ersona% +ishes to be
&$%&i%%e!, I #$st #a*e certain '%eas or 'rayers to 6o!,
an! then 6o! +i%% inter(ene on #y beha%& an!
s$s'en! the %a+s o& nat$re thro$)h #irac%es" This is
the #ythic +or%!(ie+"
As %e(e% &o$r e#er)es, +ith its ca'acity &or
concrete o'erations or rit$a%s, an! I rea%i8e that #y
'rayers are not a%+ays bein) ans+ere!, I then try to
#ani'$%ate nat$re in or!er to '%ease the )o!s, +ho
+i%% then #ythica%%y inter(ene on #y beha%&" To
'rayers I a!! e%aborate rit$a%s, a%% care&$%%y !esi)ne!
to )et 6o! to ste' in" Historica%%y, the #ain rit$a% that
e#er)e! at this sta)e +as h$#an sacri&ice, +hich, as
Ca#'be%% hi#se%& 'ointe! o$t, beset a%#ost e(ery
#a.or ci(i%i8ation the +or%! o(er at this sta)e o&
!e(e%o'#ent" As )r$eso#e as that is, the thin*in)
behin! it is #ore co#'%e1 an! co#'%icate! than
si#'%e #yth, so it is re&erre! to as #ythic/rationa%"
With the e#er)ence o& &or#a% o'erationa% tho$)ht,
%e(e% &i(e, I rea%i8e that the be%ie& in a 'ersona% 6o!
+ho caters to #y e)oic +hi#s is 'robab%y .$st not
tr$e, there isnt any cre!ib%e e(i!ence &or it, an!
any+ay it !oesnt re%iab%y +or*" I& I +ant so#ethin)
&ro# nat$re 2 &oo! &or e1a#'%e 2 I%% s*i' the 'rayers,
s*i' the rit$a%s, s*i' the h$#an sacri&ices, an!
a''roach nat$re itse%& !irect%y" With hy'othetico/
!e!$cti(e reasonin) 2 that is, +ith science 2 I%% )o
!irect%y a&ter +hat I nee!" This is a bi) a!(ance, b$t it
a%so has its !o+nsi!e" The +or%! starts to %oo* %i*e a
#eanin)%ess co%%ection o& #ateria% bits an! 'ieces,
+ith no (a%$e, no #eanin), at a%%" This is the rationa%
+or%!(ie+, o&ten ca%%e! scienti&ic #ateria%is#"
As (ision/%o)ic e#er)es, %e(e% si1, I see that there
are #ore thin)s in hea(en an! earth than are !rea#t
o& in #y rationa%istic 'hi%oso'hy" By inte)ratin) the
bo!y, the +or%! beco#es 0reenchante!"0 This is the
h$#anistic/e1istentia% +or%!(ie+"
When %e(e% se(en, the 'sychic %e(e%, e#er)es, I
be)in to rea%i8e that there are really #ore thin)s in
hea(en an! earth than I ha(e !rea#t o&" I be)in to
sense a sin)%e Di(inity %yin) behin! the s$r&ace
a''earances o& #ani&estation, an! I co##$ne +ith
that Di(inity 2 not as a #ythic be%ie& b$t an interior
e1'erience" This is the )enera% 'sychic +or%!(ie+" At
the s$bt%e %e(e%, I !irect%y *no+ that Di(inity, an! &in!
a $nion +ith it" B$t I #aintain that the so$% an! 6o!
are t+o !istinct onto%o)ica% entities" This is the s$bt%e
+or%!(ie+ 2 that there is a so$%, there is a
trans'ersona% 6o!, b$t the t+o are s$bt%y !i(orce!"
At the ca$sa% %e(e% that !i(orce brea*s !o+n, an! the
s$'re#e i!entity is rea%i8e!" This is the ca$sa%
+or%!(ie+, the +or%!(ie+ o& tat t(a# asi, yo$ are
That" 7$re non!$a% S'irit, +hich, bein) co#'atib%e
+ith a%%, is nothin) s'ecia%"
EL- No+ I see +hy, in yo$r boo*s, yo$ ha(e a%+ays
#aintaine! that the #o!ern rise o& rationa%ity, +hich
has $s$a%%y s'ent so #$ch ti#e trashin) re%i)ion, is
act$a%%y in itse%& a (ery s'irit$a% #o(e#ent"
;W- 3es, I see# to be a%one a#on) the socio%o)ists o&
re%i)ion in this re)ar!" In #y o'inion, these scho%ars
!o not ha(e a s$&&icient%y !etai%e! carto)ra'hy o& the
+ho%e s'ectr$# o& conscio$sness" They then nat$ra%%y
%a#ent the rise o& #o!ern rationa%ity an! science,
beca$se #o!ern rationa%ity an! science 2 %e(e% &i(e 2
!e&inite%y transcen!s an! !is#ant%es the archaic,
#a)ic, an! #ythic +or%!(ie+s" Most scho%ars
there&ore see# to thin* that science is *i%%in)
s'irit$a%ity in general, *i%%in) all re%i)ion, beca$se they
!ont see# to $n!erstan! #ystica% re%i)ion (ery +e%%,
an! so they &er(ent%y +ish &or the )oo! o%! #ythic
!ays, be&ore science, the )oo! o%! 'rerationa% !ays,
+hich they thin* +as 0rea%0 re%i)ion" B$t #ysticis# is
transrationa% an! th$s %ies in o$r co%%ecti(e &$t$re, not
o$r co%%ecti(e 'ast" Mysticis# is e(o%$tionary an!
'ro)ressi(e, not !e(o%$tionary an! re)ressi(e, as
A$robin!o an! Tei%har! !e Char!in rea%i8e!" An!
science, in #y o'inion, is stri''in) $s o& o$r in&anti%e
an! a!o%escent (ie+s o& s'irit, is stri''in) $s o& o$r
'rerationa% (ie+s, in or!er to #a*e roo# &or the
)en$ine%y transrationa% insi)hts o& the hi)her sta)es
o& !e(e%o'#ent, the trans'ersona% sta)es o& )en$ine
#ystica% or conte#'%ati(e !e(e%o'#ent" It is stri''in)
#a)ic an! #ythic in or!er to #a*e roo# &or 'sychic
an! s$bt%e" In that sense science 4an! rationa%ity5 is a
(ery hea%thy, (ery e(o%$tionary, (ery necessary ste'
to+ar! rea% s'irit$a% #at$rity" Rationa%ity is a
#o(e#ent of s'irit to%ard s'irit"
An! that, a)ain, is +hy so #any )reat scientists
ha(e been )reat #ystics" Its a nat$ra% +e!!in)" The
science o& the e1terna% +or%! .oine! +ith the science
o& the interna% +or%!, the rea% #eetin) o& East an!
West"
EL- Thats a 'er&ect '%ace to en!"
I sai! )oo!bye to E!ith, +ishin) that she co$%! #eet
Treya, thin*in) I +o$%! $n&ort$nate%y ne(er see her a)ain,
$na+are that she +o$%! reenter o$r %i(es !$rin) a
!es'erate ti#e +hen a tr$e &rien! +as sore%y nee!e!"
Dreams are so strange, , thin!, as , am gently pulled
do%n the long hall corridor to%ard the third room3 To%ard
the third room, good title for a no#el3 Dreams can seem so
real, that's it3 Dreams can seem so real3 Then , thin! of that
line from 'lade Runner > 5Wa!e up, time to die35
*nd then , thin!, ,f that's so, do , %ant to %a!e up or
not6
5Say, you don't happen to ha#e a name, do you65
Treya ret$rne! ho#e the ne1t !ay" I ha! set $' an
a''oint#ent +ith Dr" Be%*na's o&&ice &or that a&ternoon"
0Terry,0 he sai! as +e sat !o+n in his ho#ey o&&ice, 0I#
a&rai! yo$ ha(e !iabetes" O& co$rse, +e%% +ant to !o #ore
tests, b$t the $rina%ysis +as 'retty c%ear"0
When Dr" B to%! #e an! ;en that #y $rina%ysis
in!icate! !iabetes, +hat +ent thro$)h #y #in! +as that
%ine &ro# the #o(ie O$t o& A&rica, +hen she !isco(ers
that she has sy'hi%is" Aery ca%#%y she says, 0This is not
+hat I ha! e1'ecte! +o$%! ha''en to #e ne1t"0 Sa#e
here" In #y +i%!est !rea#s or ni)ht#ares, this is not
+hat I ha! e1'ecte! +o$%! ha''en to #e ne1t"
12
In a Di%%erent 8oice
THE NDMBER THREE ;ILLER o& a!$%t A#ericans" Most
'eo'%e !ont )i(e !iabetes that #$ch attention, the bi) t+o,
heart !isease an! cancer, )rab the hea!%ines" B$t in
a!!ition to bein) the n$#ber three *i%%er, it is a%so the
%ea!in) ca$se o& a!$%t b%in!ness an! a#'$tation" It #eant
another ra!ica% %i&e/sty%e chan)e &or the both o& $s, b$t &or
Treya es'ecia%%y 2 ins$%in in.ections, 'ain&$%%y strict !iet,
a%+ays chec*in) b%oo! )%$cose %e(e%s, a%+ays carryin) that
%itt%e bit o& s$)ar in case o& ins$%in shoc*" One #ore +a(e to
%earn to s$r&" I co$%!nt he%' b$t thin* o& Iob, the ans+er to
+hose 'erennia% >$estion 0Why #e<0 see#s to ha(e been,
0Why not<0
I ha(e !iabetes, I ha(e !iabetes" Ies$s, +hen +i%% a%%
o& this e(er en!<
I$st %ast +ee* I as*e! Dr" Rosenba$# Fo$r %oca%
onco%o)istG i& he +o$%! ta*e the 7ort/a/Cath o$t, since I
!i!nt thin* I +o$%! nee! it any#ore" He hesitate!, sai!
+e sho$%! %ea(e it in" That #eans he thin*s there is a
si)ni&icant chance o& a rec$rrence" I$st +hen I a#
startin) to &ee% )oo!, &ee% con&i!ent" I$st +hen I a#
startin) to thin* that #aybe I +i%% %i(e a+hi%e" Maybe I
+i%% e(en %i(e a %on) ti#e" Maybe I +i%% ha(e a &$%% %i&e"
Maybe ;en an! I +i%% )et to )ro+ o%! to)ether" We #i)ht
e(en ha(e a chi%!" I #i)ht be ab%e to #a*e so#e *in! o&
contrib$tion to the +or%!" Then the +ei)ht o& cancer
co#es crashin) bac* !o+n on #e" The !octor +ont ta*e
the 7ort/a/Cath o$t" S$!!en%y I# bac* in it a)ain" Its
inesca'ab%e" Cancer is a chronic !isease"
In the o&&ice I o(erhear a n$rse ta%*in) +ith a cancer
'atient" 0I(e ne(er ha! cancer #yse%&, so 'erha's this is
'res$#'t$o$s o& #e to say, b$t there are +orse thin)s
than cancer i& yo$ catch it ear%y"0
I .$#'e! in, (ery intereste!" 0Li*e +hat &or e1a#'%e<0
0Oh, )%a$co#a or !iabetes" They create so #any
rea%%y ba! chronic 'rob%e#s" I re#e#ber +hen I +as
!ia)nose! +ith )%a$co#a """0
We%%, no+ on to' o& e(erythin) e%se, I ha(e !iabetes" I
cant be%ie(e it" I &ee% cr$she!, abso%$te%y cr$she!" What
can I !o b$t cry< Des'air, an)er, shoc*, &ear o& this
!isease I !o not $n!erstan!, they a%% co#e o$t in #y
sa%ty tears" I re#e#ber an inci!ent a &e+ !ays a)o" ;en
an! I ha! s'ent the +ee*en! a&ter Ne+ 3ears $' in
Tahoe +ith so#e &rien!s 4+ere sti%% )ettin) rea!y to '$t
it on the #ar*et5, an! I ha! notice! that I see#e!
$n$s$a%%y thirsty" When +e )ot bac* ho#e to Mi%% Aa%%ey I
#entione! this to ;en" He %oo*e! $' &ro# his !es* an!
sai!, 0That can be a si)n o& !iabetes"0 I sai!, 0Oh,
interestin),0 he +ent bac* to his +or*, an! neither o& $s
tho$)ht any #ore abo$t it"
What +o$%! I !o +itho$t ;en< What i& he! been o$t
or a+ay at +or* +hen this ne+s ca#e< He ho%!s an!
conso%es #e" He see#s to soa* $' so #$ch o& #y o+n
'ain" We %e&t the !octors o&&ice +ith #e cryin)" Another
!isease to %earn abo$t, another !isease to ha(e to co'e
+ith, another !isease to %i#it an! threaten #y %i&e" I &ee%
(ery, (ery sorry &or #yse%& an! an)ry at the entire set$'"
I har!%y e(en re#e#ber +hat Dr" Be%*na' an! the
n$rse to%! $s" I sat there cryin) the +ho%e ti#e" We +i%%
see i& #y !iabetes res'on!s to )%yb$ri!e, an ora%
#e!ication !e(e%o'e! in E$ro'e" I& not, I +i%% ha(e to )o
on ins$%in" In the #eanti#e, I a# to ha(e a b%oo! test
e(ery #ornin), inc%$!in) Sat$r!ay an! S$n!ay, so +e
can see ho+ #$ch o& the ora% #e!ication I nee!" The
n$rse re(ie+e! a%% o& this +ith $s, I ho'e! ;en +as
%istenin) #ore care&$%%y than I +as" I +as &ee%in) an o!!
co#bination o& rebe%%io$s an! an)ry +hi%e at the sa#e
ti#e sa! an! !e&eate!, it !i! so$n! %i*e this +o$%! be
+ith #e &or %i&e" The n$rse )a(e $s a &oo! e1chan)e !iet
to &o%%o+, I +o$%! beco#e (ery &a#i%iar +ith this" T+e%(e
h$n!re! ca%ories o& a !iet ba%ance! bet+een #i%*
e1chan)es, starch e1chan)es, &r$it e1chan)es, #eat
e1chan)es, an! &at e1chan)es" Than* 6o! &or the &ree
&oo!s 2 ra!ishes, Chinese cabba)e, c$c$#bers, 'ic*%es"
O$r &irst sto', &oo! e1chan)e %ist in han!, is the
s$'er#ar*et" I sti%% &ee% )%$#, b$t &or the #o#ent %ose
#yse%& in the &ascination o& rea!in) &oo! %abe%s an!
&in!in) s$)ar, s$)ar e(ery+here, hi!!en in brea!s,
hi!!en in 'ean$t b$tter, hi!!en in sa%a! !ressin)s,
hi!!en in 're'are! &oo!s, hi!!en in #i1es, hi!!en in
s'a)hetti sa$ce, hi!!en in canne! (e)etab%es,
e(ery+here, e(ery+here9 ;en an! I roa# the ais%es,
ca%%in) o$t to each other +ith an es'ecia%%y o$tra)eo$s
&in! 2 0S$)ar in baby &oo!, ais%e se(en90 ;en ye%%s 2 or
+hen +e st$#b%e on so#ethin) I can act$a%%y eat 2
07ottin) soi%, ais%e &o$r, no s$)ar"0 There are a %ot o& ne+
thin)s in the cart +hen +e reach the chec*o$t stan!,
thin)s %i*e E>$a% an! !iet so!as an! a #eas$rin) sca%e
an! ne+ #eas$rin) c$'s an! #eas$rin) s'oons" This
&oo! e1chan)e !iet !e'en!s on #eas$re#ent, I a# to
%earn"
Each #ornin) be&ore brea*&ast I !ri(e to the %ab &or a
b%oo! test" On Sat$r!ay an! S$n!ay I ha(e to )o to
Marin 6enera% Hos'ita%, +here I ac>$ire yet another
hos'ita% ID car! to a!! to #y co%%ection" At the hos'ita%
they are e1'erts at !ra+in) b%oo!, it har!%y h$rts as the
nee!%e enters the (ein" At the c%inic !$rin) the +ee*,
ho+e(er, each ti#e I cross #y &in)ers an! ho'e &or the
*in!%y +hite/haire! +o#an, +ho a%so has the #a)ic
to$ch, not &or the n$rse +ho so#eho+ #ana)es to #a*e
it h$rt each ti#e an! occasiona%%y nee!s t+o tries to )et
it ri)ht" This is es'ecia%%y i#'ortant to #e beca$se a%% o&
this 'o*in) is ha''enin) on one ar# on%y, beca$se o& #y
're(io$s breast an! %y#'h s$r)ery I a# s$''ose! to
a%+ays ha(e b%oo! !ra+n &ro# #y %e&t ar#" It %oo*s #ore
an! #ore %i*e the ar# o& a !r$) a!!ict"
An! each #ornin) I ta*e #y 'i%%, K #)" o& )%yb$ri!e,
one o& the 0secon! )eneration0 o& !iabetes #e!ications"
An! each a&ternoon, aro$n! &i(e, I ta*e #y secon! 'i%%" I
#ay ha(e to )et a +rist+atch +ith an a%ar# on it to
re#in! #e o& this %ate a&ternoon ro$tine"
An! each !ay I be)in by e1a#inin) the =oo!
E1chan)e Diet ta'e! on the re&ri)erator !oor" I consi!er-
Can I tra!e a #i%* e1chan)e &or #ore 'ean$t b$tter< Can
I tra!e a starch e1chan)e &or #ore (e)etab%es< Or &or
#ore &ish at !inner< I #eas$re o$t #y c$' o& cerea%, #y
c$' o& #i%*, #y t+o teas'oons o& raisins, #y :?H c$' o&
cotta)e cheese" I 're'are #y %$nch, a container o& &ree
sa%a! &oo!s seasone! +ith (ine)ar, a 'ean$t b$tter 42
tab%es'oons5 an! banana 4:?2 s#a%%5 san!+ich, an! :?2
c$' o& a (e)etab%e" Dinner too is consi!ere! an!
#eas$re!, C o8" o& &ish, : c$' o& +ho%e +heat 'asta, :?2
c$' o& (e)etab%es, +hich ;en +i%% 'robab%y thin* o& so#e
c%e(er +ay to coo*" Then an e(enin) snac* o& :?2 c$'
#i%* an! 2 crac*ers"
An! each !ay I test #y $rine &or s$)ar &o$r ti#es 2
+hen I +a*e $', be&ore %$nch, be&ore !inner, an! at
ni)ht be&ore #y re>$ire! e(enin) snac*" I +atch those
!a#ne! stic*s t$rn bro+n be&ore #y eyes &o$r ti#es a
!ay" I +atch that c%ear a>$a co%or be)in to t$rn )reen,
then bro+n aro$n! the e!)es, I +atch it as the bro+n
t$rns !ee'er an! !ar*er" It is this 'rocess, +atchin)
those !a#ne! stri's t$rn bro+n be&ore #y eyes, a)ain
an! a)ain, that &ina%%y con(inces #e" I ha(e !iabetes" I
a# a !iabetic" I ha(e !iabetes"
O(er the +ee*s, Treyas !iabetes res'on!e! s%o+%y to
the )%yb$ri!e an! the strict !iet, b$t it !i! so on%y +ith the
#a1i#$# !ose o& the #e!ication, in!icatin) that she +o$%!
a%#ost certain%y ha(e to )o on ins$%in, #aybe in a &e+
#onths, #aybe in a &e+ years, b$t ine(itab%y"
Ins$%in" That #eans ins$%in shots" Ho+ +e%% I
re#e#ber (isitin) #y )ran!&ather" We a%% 2 #y t+o
sisters an! #y brother 2 %o(e! (isitin) 7o' in his #a)ica%
ho$se +ith the +hite co%$#ns in &ront an! the +i!e
'orches an! the )reen %a+ns an! the +on!er&$% trees to
c%i#b an! hi!e in" I re#e#ber +e%% +atchin) hi# )i(e
hi#se%& his shots, the +hite s*in e1'ose!, )atherin) the
s*in to)ether, a%% o& $s +i!e/eye! as he )$i!e! the
nee!%e into his s*in" Later +e! c%a#ber a%% o(er hi# in
his bea$ti&$%%y car(e! +oo!en be!, then tr$n!%e o&& to
o$r o+n be!roo#s" We a%% %o(e! 7o'" E(eryone %o(e!
7o'" He +as a %ar)e, .o(ia%, barre%/cheste! #an +ho %i(e!
%i&e to the &$%%est" When he ca#e to (isit he! hi!e can!y
an! )i&ts an!, o$r &a(orite, co#ic boo*s in his 'oc*ets
an! .ac*et" We! c%i#b a%% o(er hi# to &erret o$t the
treats, then sit ha''i%y on his %a'" My )ran!#other !ie!
+hen I +as (ery yo$n), I &ee% b%esse! to ha(e *no+n 7o'
$nti% I +as a%#ost t+e%(e an! e(en so I sti%% #iss hi#" I
+ish he +ere aro$n!, I +ish he +ere in #y %i&e, I +ish
;en co$%! ha(e *no+n hi#"
7o' ha! !iabetes" He !ie! o& cancer o& the 'ancreas,
in &act, b$t he +as ei)hty/three an! ha! %i(e! a &$%%,
acti(e %i&e" No+ I $n!erstoo! the care +ith &oo! at his
ho$se, the &resh $nsa%te! b$tter, the &resh e))s &ro# the
chic*enho$se, the +ho%e )rains an! %e)$#es" I
re#e#ber that 7o' 'ai! #ore attention to )oo! &oo!
than anyone e%se I *ne+, b$t on%y no+ !i! I $n!erstan!
+hy" My &athers brother, Han*, a%so ha! !iabetes as an
a!$%t" A!$%t onset !iabetes has a stron) )enetic
connection, $n%i*e .$(eni%e onset !iabetes" Chi%!ren +ho
)et !iabetes o&ten ha(e no re%ati(es +ith !iabetes, there
is s'ec$%ation that the !isease is tri))ere! by so#e (ira%
in&ection, b$t basica%%y no one *no+s +hat ca$ses
!iabetes" Or ho+ to c$re it"
Ins$%in" Da#n, !a#n, !a#n" I +as ho'in) #y b%oo!
s$)ar +o$%! co#e !o+n #ore easi%y an! that $%ti#ate%y
I co$%! contro% it +ith !iet an! e1ercise" Thats sti%% a
'ossibi%ity, I )$ess, b$t its #ore re#ote a&ter this ne+s"
I# a bit n$#b by no+" I !ont rea%%y +ant to %et it in" It
&ri)htens #e" It an)ers #e"
A &rien! con)rat$%ate! #e on ho+ +e%% I +as han!%in)
it" That #a!e #e &ee% +eir!" I# certain%y !oin) +hat I
nee! to !o to contro% it, b$t I# an)ry an! !isbe%ie(in)" I
#a*e ba!, bitter .o*es abo$t it" I co#'%ain abo$t ha(in)
to contro% #y !iet so ti)ht%y" I# s$re a%% this +i%% be )oo!
&or #e, than* yo$, b$t I !ont thin* its any &$n at a%%" I%%
!o +hat I nee! to !o, b$t I !ont %i*e it one bit" The on%y
'art o& this ac*no+%e!)#ent I co$%! acce't +as the 'art
abo$t bein) a$thentic" I a# bein) a$thentic" I a# bein)
a$thentica%%y 'isse!" I tr$st #y an)er, it &ee%s hea%thy
an! a''ro'riate" I# not )oin) to &a%se%y '$t on a ha''y
&ace abo$t this" I s$''ose #y &ee%in) is that +i%% co#e
#ore co#'%ete%y an! #ore !ee'%y %ater i& I )o thro$)h
the an)er, or I #ay stay so#e+hat an)ry a%+ays abo$t
it" I !ont *no+ +hat +i%% ha''en, b$t I !o *no+ that I
nee! to stay +ith the an)er &or no+ an! %et it e(o%(e"
Ear%ier to!ay I +as thin*in) ho+ ironic it a%% is" Ta%*in)
+ith a &rien! on%y a &e+ !ays a)o abo$t ho+ in )ro+in)
o%!er one beco#es %ess an1io$s abo$t achie(in) #a.or
(ictories in %i&e, an! o& the nee! to c$%ti(ate '%eas$re in
the s#a%% (ictories o& !ay/to/!ay %i&e" This !iabetes is
certain%y #a*in) #e 'ay #ore attention to the s#a%%
'%eas$res o& a &e+ bites o& &oo!, since thats a%% I )et" 3o$
cant i#a)ine ho+ tasty the #ea)er a#o$nt o& t+o
tab%es'oons o& 'ean$t b$tter can be +hen yo$ tho$)ht
yo$ #i)ht ne(er )et it a)ain9 I o'en the re&ri)erator !oor
an! see a%% those )oo! thin)s in there an! rea%i8e ho+
%on) it +i%% ta*e, +ith #y one/an! t+o/o$nce 'ortions, to
eat it a%%9 I b$y a hea%th/&oo!, no/s$)ar, ca*e%i*e thin) as
a s'ecia% treat an! it ta*es #e a +ee* to eat the +ho%e
thin) as I !o%e it o$t in s#a%% 'ortions"
An! I s$''ose I ha(e &ee%in) better to %oo* &or+ar! to"
I i#a)ine the e&&ects o& the !iabetes ha(e been '$tterin)
a%on) on a %o+ %e(e% &or so#e ti#e no+" I ho'e at %east
that #y &a#i%y an! &rien!s +i%% notice an! cherish their
o+n )oo! hea%th #ore as a res$%t o& hearin) +hat I#
)oin) thro$)h"
It t$rns o$t that Treyas !iabetes +as a%#ost certain%y
tri))ere! by che#othera'y, a not $nco##on occ$rrence"
With a!$%t onset !iabetes, )enetics %oa!s the )$n b$t stress
'$%%s the tri))er" The stress o& che#othera'y, in this case"
As !iabetes be)ins to ta*e its to%% on the $ns$s'ectin)
(icti#, se(era% $n'%easant thin)s ha''en" Since the
'ancreas is not 'ro!$cin) eno$)h ins$%in, the bo!y cannot
$ti%i8e b%oo! )%$cose" This s$)ar acc$#$%ates in the b%oo!,
ca$sin) it, in e&&ect, to beco#e !ense an! honey%i*e" So#e
o& this s$)ar s'i%%s into the $rine 2 the Ro#ans $se! to test
&or !iabetes by '$ttin) $rine ne1t to honey bees, +ho +o$%!
s+ar# aro$n! the $rine i& the 'erson +as !iabetic" Beca$se
the b%oo! has beco#e 0thic*0 +ith s$)ar, the b%oo! ten!s to
s$c* $' +ater &ro# the s$rro$n!in) tiss$es" Hence the
'erson stays rather chronica%%y thirsty, !rin*s &%$i!s a%% the
ti#e, an! $rinates &re>$ent%y" A%so, the thic* !ensity o& the
b%oo!, &or the sa#e reason, can ca$se s#a%% ca'i%%aries to
co%%a'se" This #eans that areas o& the bo!y ser(e! #ost by
s#a%% ca'i%%aries, %i*e the e1tre#ities, the *i!neys, an! the
retinas in the eyes, are s%o+%y !a#a)e!, +hich acco$nts &or
the b%in!ness, the *i!ney tro$b%es, the a#'$tations" An! &or
the sa#e reason, the brain beco#es !ehy!rate!, +hich
res$%ts in !ra#atic #oo! s+in)s, %ac* o& concentration,
!e'ression" A%on) +ith e(erythin) e%se 2 the arti&icia%
#eno'a$se, the a&tere&&ects o& che#o, the )enera%
!i&&ic$%ties +e +ere both )oin) thro$)h 2 this a%#ost
certain%y ha! contrib$te! to Treyas o(era%% !e'ression an!
her b%ac* #oo!s" Her eyesi)ht ha! a%rea!y be)$n to
!eteriorate, tho$)h +e !i!nt then *no+ +hy, she ha! to
+ear )%asses a%% the ti#e"
5Why, e2actly, is it so dar! in here65 )#en a short
distance %al!ed in the dar! seems unending, and , am
disoriented enough3 We must be approaching the third
room, but , don't remember the hall%ay being nearly this
long3
5Why e2actly is it so dar! in here, please6
The hall%ay %all abruptly gi#es %ay to an opening, the
door , suppose, and there %e both stand, this "igure and ,3
5What do you see65 The strange #oice simply floats out
of the absence that seems to be its source3
5When , loo! at you, nothing35
5,n there35
, loo! in the room3 ,s this hand%riting, hieroglyphics,
symbols, %hat6
5Loo!, fascinating, really, but , ha#e to go no%, ,'m
loo!ing for someone, ,'m sure you understand35
5What do you see65
*s in the other rooms, this one seems to stretch out in
all directions for as far as , can see3 The closer , loo! at any
particular point in the room, the more it e2pands a%ay3 ,f ,
loo! intently at a point t%o feet from me, it begins
stretching out for miles, hundreds then thousands of miles,
it seems3 Suspended in this e2panding uni#erse are
symbols, maybe millions of them, some of %hich ,
recogni4e, most of %hich , do not3 They are not %ritten on
anything, but simply suspended there3 *nd %ith a luminous
edge to them all, as if painted by some cra4ed god on
magic mushrooms3 , ha#e the strangest sensation that
these symbols are actually ali#e, and that they are loo!ing
at me, too3
As Treya be)an to )et her b%oo! s$)ar $n!er contro%, her
#oo! i#'ro(e! !ra#atica%%y, her !e'ression (irt$a%%y
!isa''eare!" B$t these +ere secon!ary, in a sense, to that
inner shi&t that +as no+ occ$rrin) at &$%% s'ee!, an! that
+o$%! (ery soon #a*e its &irst !ra#atic anno$nce#ent"
This 'ro&o$n! shi&t +as be)innin) to a&&ect not .$st her
'ersona% %i&e, b$t her s'irit$a%ity, her +or* in the +or%!, an!
+hat she sa+ as her ca%%in), her !ae#on, +hich 2 a&ter a%%
these years9 2 +as on the (er)e o& er$'tin) into
conscio$sness"
I +atche! a%% o& this +ith a #i1t$re o& a!#iration,
a#a8e#ent, an! en(y" It +o$%! ha(e been so easy &or her
to stay bitter, se%&/'ityin), .a!e!" B$t instea! she see#e! to
beco#e #ore o'en, #ore %o(in), #ore &or)i(in), #ore
co#'assionate" An! she )ot stron)er by the !ay,
a''arent%y a%on) the %ines o& Niet8sche- 0That +hich !oes
not !estroy #e #a*es #e stron)er"0 I !ont *no+ +hat
0%essons0 Treya +as %earnin) &ro# cancer an! !iabetes, b$t
&or #e, the %esson +as t$rnin) o$t to be Treya"
I ha(e !iabetes" I a# a !iabetic" Whats the best +ay
to say it< One so$n!s %i*e I ha(e a !isease that co#es
&ro# o$tsi!e #yse%&, that #i)ht be catchin)" The other
#a*es it so$n! %i*e so#ethin) intrinsic to #y character,
to #y bo!i%y bein)" This bo!y +hose resa%e (a%$e no+ is,
as ;en says, ni%" I a%+ays tho$)ht I! !onate #y or)ans
+hen I !ie!, b$t nobo!y +o$%! +ant the# no+" At %east I
)et to be b$rie! in one 'iece, or ha(e #y ashes
scattere! o(er Con$n!r$# 'ea*"
;ens been +on!er&$%, )oin) +ith #e to the !octor,
#a*in) .o*es an! *ee'in) #y s'irits $', ta*in) #e each
#ornin) &or #y b%oo! test, he%'in) #e &i)$re o$t a%% the
&oo! e1chan)es, !oin) a%% the coo*in)" B$t the best 'art
is ho+ )oo! I# &ee%in)" I &e%t +on!er&$% yester!ay, an!
ca#e ho#e to hear the !octors re'ort o& ::K F)%$cose
b%oo! %e(e%G, a%#ost nor#a%, since it starte! o$t at C22" I
s$''ose I(e been &ee%in) not >$ite ri)ht &or a +hi%e, +ith
the #ost ob(io$s sy#'to# #y &ai%in) eyesi)ht" No
+on!er I !i!nt &ee% %i*e e1ercisin) #$ch" No +on!er I
ha! s$ch tro$b%e concentratin)" No +on!er I ha! s$ch
#oo! s+in)s" No+ I# re#e#berin) +hat it &ee%s %i*e to
&ee% )oo!" I ha(e so #$ch #ore ener)y, a #$ch #ore
'ositi(e o$t%oo* on thin)s, %ots #ore b$oyancy an!
bo$nce" I# s$re I# easier to )et a%on) +ith, too" 7oor
;en, ha(in) to '$t $' +ith #e +hi%e I +as s$bt%y b$t
s$re%y )oin) !o+nhi%%, an! neither o& $s rea%%y *no+in) it"
It &ee%s )reat to ha(e #y ener)y an! s'irit an!
e1cite#ent abo$t %i&e bac* a)ain9
7art o& this co#es &ro# ne+ &ee%in)s abo$t +or*,
abo$t #y 'ro&ession, #y ca%%in), that sa#e iss$e that
I(e been b$))in) #yse%& abo$t &or so %on)" Lots o&
in&%$ences at +or* in this inner shi&t" Wor* +ith Sey#o$r,
#y #e!itation, )i(in) $' #y 'er&ectionis#, %earnin) to
be an! to not .$st #in!%ess%y !o" I sti%% +ant to !o, I sti%%
+ant to contrib$te, b$t I +ant #y !oin) s$&&$se! +ith
bein)" This is a%so a shi&t in #y &ee%in)s abo$t #y
&e#ininity that o'ens $' ne+ 'ossibi%ities, 'ossibi%ities I
once con!e#ne!" I a# rea%i8in) #ore an! #ore ho+
#$ch I a!o'te! #y &athers (a%$es 2 'ro!$ction an!
contrib$tin) an! a%% that 2 an! I see no+ that his shoes
!ont act$a%%y &it #e too +e%%, #$ch as I a!#ire the#"
This co#bines +ith the ne+ !irection I &ee% &e#inis#
ta*in), a+ay &ro# i#itatin) #en or 'ro(in) +e can !o
+hat they can !o, to+ar! (a%$in), !e&inin), brin)in)
&orth, #a*in) (isib%e the s'ecia% *in!s o& +or* that
+o#en !o" The in(isib%e +or*" The +or* that !oesnt
ha(e a tit%e or a hierarchy o& 'ro&essiona% a!(ance#ent"
A#or'ho$s +or*" Wor* that has to !o +ith creatin) a
#oo! or a settin) or an at#os'here, +hether in a
#eetin) or in a &a#i%y or in a co##$nity, +here other
*in!s o& #ore (isib%e +or* &%o$rish"
A )ro$' o& $s ha! a %o(e%y !isc$ssion the other !ay
abo$t +o#ens s'irit$a%ity that he%'e! crysta%%i8e these
tho$)hts" A &e+ notes-
S The +ho%e area o& +o#ens s'irit$a%ity is b%an*" M$ch
o& n$ns +ritin)s %ost" Wo#en !ont +rite #$ch abo$t
the s'irit$a% search any+ay" Wo#en *e't o$t o&
i#'ortant 'ositions in #ost estab%ishe! re%i)ions"
S Wo#ens s'irit$a%ity %oo*s !i&&erent &ro# #ens" Less
)oa%/oriente!" Mi)ht chan)e o$r notions abo$t +hat
en%i)hten#ent is" More enco#'assin), e#bracin),
a)ain, #ore a#or'ho$s"
S Wo#ens s'irit$a%ity har! to see, har! to !e&ine" What
are the sta)es, the ste's, the trainin)< Is crochetin)
or *nittin) as )oo! as #e!itatin) to train attention
an! >$iet the #in!<
S A contin$$#, +ith #ens s'irit$a% !e(e%o'#ent on
one e1tre#e an! +o#ens on the other" Mens has
been !e&ine!, +o#ens not" Lots o& (ariations in
bet+een" Are there 'ara%%e% b$t !i&&erent?se'arate
trac*s, a %a Caro% 6i%%i)an<
S Lon) !isc$ssion on 6i%%i)an an! her boo* In a
Di&&erent Aoice" She +as a st$!ent o& La+rence
;oh%ber)s, a #ora% theorist +ho &irst co!i&ie! three
broa! sta)es o& #ora% !e(e%o'#ent that 'eo'%e )o
thro$)h 2 the 'recon(entiona% sta)es, +here a 'erson
thin*s that +hat is ri)ht is +hate(er they +ant, the
con(entiona% sta)es, +here 'eo'%e base their
!ecisions on +hat society +ants, an! the
'ostcon(entiona% sta)es, +here #ora% !ecisions are
base! on $ni(ersa% 'rinci'%es o& #ora% reasonin)"
These sta)es ha(e been (eri&ie! in n$#ero$s cross/
c$%t$ra% tests" B$t +o#en see#e! consistent%y to
score %o+er than #en on these tests" 6i%%i)an &o$n!
that +o#en )o thro$)h these sa#e three hierarchica%
sta)es, &ro# 'recon(entiona% to con(entiona% to
'ostcon(entiona%, b$t the reasonin) they $se is >$ite
!i&&erent &ro# #ens" Men base their !ecisions on
i!eas o& r$%es, %a+s, .$!)#ents, an! ri)hts, +here
+o#en ten! to (a%$e &ee%in)s, %in*in)s, re%ationshi'"
Loo*e! at this +ay, +o#en !o not score %o+er, on%y
!i&&erent"
My &a(orite 6i%%i)an e1a#'%e- a yo$n) boy an! )ir%
are '%ayin) to)ether" The boy +ants to '%ay 0'irate,0
the )ir% +ants to '%ay 0ho$se"0 So the )ir% says, 0O;,
yo$ '%ay the 'irate +ho %i(es ne1t !oor"0 The %in*in),
the re%ationshi'"
Another &a(orite- +hen yo$n) boys are '%ayin)
baseba%%, an! a boy stri*es o$t an! starts cryin), a
)ir% +i%% say, 06i(e hi# another chance0, the boys say,
0No, r$%es are r$%es, hes o$t"0 6i%%i)ans 'oint- boys
+i%% o(erri!e &ee%in)s to sa(e the r$%es, )ir%s +i%%
o(erri!e r$%es to sa(e the &ee%in)s" Both are
i#'ortant in the rea% +or%!, b$t (ery !i&&erent, an! +e
nee! to honor those !i&&erences an! %earn &ro# the#"
S ;en has incor'orate! #$ch o& ;oh%ber) an! 6i%%i)an
into his #o!e%, b$t says he has no i!ea ho+ this
+o$%! a&&ect +o#ens s'irit$a%ity, beca$se there has
been a%#ost nothin) +ritten on the s$b.ect" 0The
+ho%e &ie%! is b%an*" We nee! a %ot o& he%' here"0
S Wo#en +ho ha(e )aine! en%i)hten#ent 2 !i! they
)et it thro$)h &o%%o+in) tra!itiona% #a%e 'aths,
#o!e%s< Di! they )et it thro$)h &o%%o+in) their o+n
+ay< Ho+ !i! they &in! that< What *in! o& con&%ict,
se%&/!o$bt, etc", !i! they )o thro$)h to &in! their o+n
+ay<
S =in!horn the c%osest #o!e%" A (ery &e#inine,
#otherin) '%ace" Each to &in! their o+n +ay 2 a
&e#inine i!ea%< No nee! to a!here to a strict, a%rea!y
!e&ine! +ay, +ithin a s$''orti(e co##$nity?&a#i%y
conte1t" 7rob%e#s o& this a''roach" S%o+er, #ore
or)anic< More easi%y si!etrac*e!< Less (isib%e sense
o& #o(e#ent, acco#'%ish#ent, beca$se no o$ter
a+ar!s, !e)rees, !e&inite sta)es to #ar* 'ro)ress"
S 6o!!ess #ore o& a !escent, 6o! #ore o& an ascent"
Both necessary, both i#'ortant" B$t %itt%e +or* !one
on the !escent o& the 6o!!ess" So#e e1ce'tions-
A$robin!o, tantra, =ree Iohn"
S I ta%*e! o& #o(in) o$t o& the s'here o& i!enti&yin)
+ith #y &ather an! #asc$%ine (a%$es an! #o(in) into
#y 'o+er as a +o#an, ho+ I co$%! beco#e a teacher
to ;en once I !i! that" Then I rea%i8e! it +asnt so
#$ch a #o(in) a+ay &ro# 2 a%% those abi%ities I
!e(e%o'e! are )oo!, not to be %e&t behin!" Its #ore
a!!in) so#ethin) 2 an! the i#a)e o& e(er %ar)er
circ%es ca#e to #in!" Both?an!, not either?or"
D$rin) this !isc$ssion I s$!!en%y &e%t that 'art o& #y
'rob%e#, i& I sti%% +ant to !e&ine it as s$ch, #i)ht ha(e to
!o +ith #y +o#anhoo!" Certain%y I(e tho$)ht this
be&ore, b$t #ore on the %e(e% o& ho+ har! it is &or a
+o#an to &it into a #a%e/!e&ine! +or%!" The ne+ &ee%in)
this ti#e ha! to !o +ith a sense that 'erha's the reason
I(e &ai%e! to &in! #y niche ha! to !o +ith #y
incor'oratin) #a%e (a%$es too #$ch, so I +as )oin) the
+ron) +ay" 7erha's the reason I(e &ai%e! to &in! #y
niche ha! to !o +ith so#e inner +ay o& bein) tr$e to
#yse%&, #y s'ecia% ta%ents an! interests as a +o#an" So
rather than seein) #yse%& as a &ai%$re, I can see this
'erio! o& searchin) as a ti#e I nee!e! to brin) #yse%& to
this rea%i8ation" Ti#e I nee!e! to $nco(er an! %earn to
(a%$e an! %earn to si#'%y see the #ore &e#a%e (a%$es
!ee' +ithin #e"
S$!!en%y it see#s O; to be +hat I a#" To ha(e an
a#or'ho$s 'ro&essiona% %i&e" To )et in(o%(e! in (ario$s
'ro.ects that #o(e #e an! ins'ire #e" To %earn #ore
abo$t creatin) en(iron#ents in +hich thin)s can
ha''en" To brin) 'eo'%e to)ether, to net+or*" To
co##$nicate, to #a*e i!eas *no+n" To %et it $n&o%! an!
not try to &orce #yse%& into a &or#, a str$ct$re, a
'ro&ession +ith tit%es"
What a sense o& re%ie& an! &ree!o#9 I$st %i(in) is O;9
Bein) is O;, !oin) isnt necessari%y necessary" Its a *in!
o& a%%o+in)" O& %ettin) )o o& this societys o(er%y
#asc$%ine an! hy'er/!oin) (a%$es" To +or* on the +ho%e
iss$e o& +o#ens s'irit$a%ity, the &e#inine &aces o& 6o!"
To sett%e !o+n, to ti%% the soi% in one '%ace an! see +hat
+i%% )ro+ there"
The &irst thin) that )re+ there +as the Cancer S$''ort
Co##$nity 4CSC5, an or)ani8ation that +o$%! e(ent$a%%y
o&&er s$''ort ser(ices an! e!$cation, &ree o& char)e, to o(er
three h$n!re! an! &i&ty cancer 'atients a +ee*, a%on) +ith
their &a#i%ies an! s$''ort 'eo'%e"
It +as ri)ht a&ter Treyas #astecto#y that +e &irst #et
Aic*y We%%s" I +as +a%*in) o$t o& Treyas roo# an! !o+n the
hos'ita% corri!or +hen a rather stri*in)/%oo*in) +o#an
+a%*e! 'ast" She +as ta%%, stat$es>$e, )oo!/%oo*in), +ith
b%ac* hair, re! %i'stic*, a re! !ress, an! b%ac* hi)h hee%s"
She %oo*e! %i*e an A#erican (ersion o& a =rench &ashion
#o!e%, +hich con&$se! #e" Dnti% I &o$n! o$t that Aic*y ha!
s'ent se(era% years in =rance +ith her best &rien! at the
ti#e, Anna ;arina, then +i&e o& the =rench !irector Iean/L$c
6o!ar!" I !ont thin* she e(er reco(ere! &ro# the 7arisian
thri%%"
B$t Aic*y +as &ar &ro# a%% 'retty &ace" Bac* in the States
she ha! +or*e! as a 'ri(ate !etecti(e in a )hetto, an
a%coho%/ an! !r$)/ab$se co$nse%or, an! an acti(ist &or 'oor
'eo'%e ca$)ht in the cri#ina% .$stice syste# 2 a%% o& +hich
she !i! &or o(er a !eca!e 2 on%y to !isco(er she ha! breast
cancer" A #astecto#y, che#othera'y, an! se(era%
reconstr$cti(e s$r)eries ha! a%% %e&t her +ith a 'ain&$%
rea%i8ation o& ho+ 'iti&$% the s$''ort ser(ices +ere &or
cancer 'atients an! their &a#i%ies an! &rien!s"
So Aic*y ha! be)$n (o%$nteer +or* +ith se(era%
or)ani8ations, s$ch as Reach &or Reco(ery, b$t she &o$n!
e(en those ser(ices %ess than a!e>$ate" She ha! a (a)$e,
so#e+hat a#or'ho$s notion o& startin) the ty'e o& center
that +o$%! #eet her (ision, an! that is +hen she #et Treya"
They +o$%! e(ent$a%%y s'en! ho$rs, +ee*s, #onths 2 in
&act, t+o years 2 brainstor#in) abo$t the s$''ort center
they +ante! to start" They inter(ie+e! !o8ens an! !o8ens
o& !octors, 'atients, n$rses, s$''ort 'eo'%e 2 'rayin) a%% the
+hi%e to the 0CSC an)e%0 &or he%'" They +ere initia%%y .oine!
by Shannon Mc6o+an, another cancer 'atient, +ho ha!
once +or*e! +ith Haro%! Ben.a#in in creatin) the We%%ness
Co##$nity in Santa Monica, a 'ioneerin) center that +as
one o& the &irst to o&&er &ree s$''ort ser(ices &or cancer
'atients an! their &a#i%ies"
This is the center that ;risten ha! ta*en Treya to +hen
+e +ere stayin) +ith ;ati in Los An)e%es bet+een Treyas
secon! an! thir! che#othera'y treat#ents"
In October o& :EBK, Aic*y, Shannon, Treya, an! I (isite!
the We%%ness Co##$nity" The >$estion +as +hether to start
a branch o& the We%%ness Co##$nity in San =rancisco or to
start $' a co#'%ete%y se'arate center" A%tho$)h +e +ere a%%
(ery i#'resse! +ith Haro%! an! the +or* he +as !oin),
Aic*y an! Treya &e%t that 'erha's a !i&&erent a''roach co$%!
a%so be $se&$%" An! this +as re%ate! directly to the iss$e o&
bein) (ers$s !oin)" It a%% ca#e to a hea! !$rin) a
!isc$ssion +ith Nao#i Re#en, a #e!ica% thera'ist +or*in)
in Sa$sa%ito"
O$r ta%* +ith Nao#i +as >$ite sti#$%atin) an!
e1citin)" I co#'%ete%y %ost trac* o& ti#e an! +as %ate to
#y ne1t a''oint#ent 2 so#ethin) that is no+ a 'rob%e#
beca$se o& #y !iabetes 4sche!$%in) &oo! ri)ht on ti#e95"
Nao#i sai! she &e%t >$ite in t$ne +ith #e an! Aic*y, b$t
+hen she recei(e! the #ateria%s on the We%%ness
Co##$nity she &e%t so#ethin) +as o&&, so#ethin) +as
+ron), so#ethin) +as o$t o& sync +ith +ho +e +ere"
I to%! her +e +ere a+are o& that, a+are +e ha! a
so#e+hat !i&&erent e#'hasis than Haro%!s" O$rs &e%t
%i*e a #ore &e#inine a''roach, +ith %ess e#'hasis on
&i)htin) cancer or on reco(erin) &ro# cancer, an! #ore
e#'hasis on o(era%% >$a%ity o& %i&e !$rin) the +ho%e
'rocess" We !i!nt +ant to set it $' so 'eo'%e &e%t they
&ai%e! or %ost so#eho+ i& the cancer re#aine!, +hich
see#s to be the !ra+bac* o& Haro%!s a''roach" When
Aic*y sho+e! the #ateria%s to her &rien!s at the Ste'hen
Le(ine retreat, a%% o& +ho# ha(e rec$rrin) an!
#etastatic cancer, their )enera% co##ents +ere thin)s
%i*e 0I# not s$re I %i*e the tone o& this,0 0Co$%! I co#e i&
#y cancer !i!nt )o a+ay<,0 0What i& I &e%t I! acce'te!
#y cancer an! +asnt into &i)htin) it, +o$%! I &it in
there<0 Nao#i sai! the &ee%in) she! )otten &ro# his
#ateria%s +as that !isease is so#ethin) ba!, so#ethin)
to be &o$)ht, an! that yo$ &ai%e! i& yo$ !i!nt +in that
&i)ht" =or her 2 an! shes ha! Crohns !isease since
chi%!hoo! 2 !isease has been so#ethin) to %earn to %i(e
+ith an! to %earn &ro#"
Certain%y as a cancer 'atient, I(e beco#e a+are that
a%tho$)h cancer is o&ten seen as a chronic !isease 2
+itness the con&$sion o(er ho+ or +hen yo$ ca%%
so#eone c$re! 2 other 'eo'%e, 'eo'%e +ho are not
!octors an! 'eo'%e +ho !ont ha(e cancer the#se%(es,
+ant to hear yo$ say that yo$re c$re!" They !ont +ant
to hear yo$ ta%* in the sa#e care&$% an! #eas$re! +ay
yo$r !octors ta%*, that theres no si)n o& it no+ an! the
tests are c%ear b$t, o& co$rse, +ith cancer one can ne(er
be s$re, one can on%y ho'e" No, they +ant to hear its
o(er an! !one +ith, that yo$re &ine an! they can )o on
abo$t their %i(es an! not +orry abo$t yo$, no o)res are
%$r*in) behin! b$shes or aro$n! corners" That co$%! be
'art o& +hats )oin) on +ith Haro%!s a''roach, an! the
!i&&erence bet+een his attit$!e an! o$rs, that o& &or#er
cancer 'atients +ho *no+ ho+ tric*y this !isease can
be" O$r center, +e !eci!e!, +o$%! not be a&&i%iate! +ith
Haro%!s, #$ch as +e rea%%y +ishe! hi# +e%%"
The ta%* +ith Nao#i tri))ere! so#e other tho$)hts I
!i!nt rea%i8e at the ti#e" They arose o$t o& a stran)e
co#bination o& seein) her 2 so bea$ti&$% an! acti(e an!
hea%thy, yet *no+in) she has a serio$s i%%ness 2 an!
+or*in) +ith the +o#en in a Mon!ay/ni)ht breast
cancer )ro$' I +as atten!in)" I(e &e%t >$ite hesitant
abo$t co##ittin) #yse%& to +or* +ith cancer 'atients,
'art%y &ro# &ear o& bein) constant%y re#in!e! o& the
&$t$re 'ossibi%ities o$t there &or a%% cancer 'atients, b$t
a%so &ro# a &ear o& the# si#'%y ha(in) cancer, o& that
too #$ch a%+ays in &ront o& #e, too #$ch a%+ays on #y
#in!"
O(er a &e+ !ays I rea%i8e! that that &ear ca#e o$t o&
%ettin) the !isease an! its 'ossib%y a+&$% conse>$ences
o(ersha!o+ the h$#an bein) there in &ront o& #e" It hit
#e the e(enin) o& #y %ast session +ith the )ro$'" These
+ere 'eo'%e &irst an! &ore#ost" We so#eti#es s'ent a
+ho%e session not e(en ta%*in) abo$t cancer, it +as on%y
an inci!enta% 'resence a#on) $s" These +ere 'eo'%e
in(o%(e! in their %i(es, their 'ains, their tri$#'hs, their
%o(es, their chi%!ren, an! on%y inci!enta%%y at this 'oint
+ith their cancer" It ca#e to #e that I ha! hesitate!
beca$se on so#e %e(e% I tho$)ht I! be +or*in) +ith
cancer 'atients +ho +ere 'eo'%e, rather than +ith
'eo'%e +ho +ere o&ten on%y inci!enta%%y cancer 'atients"
I s$''ose this is 'art o& #y o+n e(o%$tion a+ay &ro#
cancer an! bac*, )ra!$a%%y an! ste' by ste', into #y
o+n %i&e" I +ant to +or* +ith 'eo'%e +ho are #o(in)
to+ar! %i&e, e(en in the #i!st o& cancer" A)ain, it a%%
see#s 'art o& that shi&t, o& bein) ab%e to .$st be +ith
cancer, e(en +hi%e yo$ are tryin) to do so#ethin) abo$t
it, i#'ortant as that is" An! .$st bein) +ith cancer
'atients as 'eo'%e, not as a co%%ection o& 'arts that nee!
to ha(e so#ethin) !one to the#"
That shi&t ca#e to its &irst !ra#atic hea! %ate one ni)ht
in ear%y s$##er" We +ere (isitin) the Tahoe ho$se, Treya
co$%!nt s%ee'" An! then a%% the 'ieces be)an to &a%% into
'%ace" She +as (ibrant +ith the !isco(ery" Accor!in) to
Treya, it +as nothin) %ess than her %on)/so$)ht !ae#on9
Not born &$%%y &%e!)e!, b$t nonethe%ess %o$!%y anno$ncin)
its 'resence 2 b$t in a !i&&erent (oice, a (oice she ha! too
%on) s$''resse!"
Ear%ier in Tahoe" One ni)ht I %ay a+a*e, $nab%e to
s%ee'" I co$%! see the b$rnishe! si%(er o& the #oon%i)ht
on the %a*e o$tsi!e #y +in!o+, rin)e! by the !ar*
sha'es o& the 'ine trees aro$n! the ho$se an! &ar a+ay
by the !ar* sha'es o& the #o$ntains o& Deso%ation
Wi%!erness" S$ch a b%ea* na#e, s$ch a bea$ti&$% '%ace"
I#a)es o& )%ass, !ee' re!, iri!escent +hite, coba%t
b%$e, &%oat thro$)h #y hea!" I &ee% so e1cite!, I si#'%y
cant s%ee'" Is it the tea I ha! ear%ier< 7art%y, #aybe" B$t
so#ethin) e%se is ha''enin), so#ethin) insi!e #e has
been stirre! $', rea+a*ene!" 6%ass, %i)ht, &or#s, sha'es,
&%o+in) %ines, &ittin) thin)s to)ether, +atchin) a (ision
e#er)e &ro# nothin)ness, +atchin) bea$ty ta*e sha'e
in this +or%! o& &or#" Ho+ (ery e1citin)9 I %ie there,
a+are o& ener)y s+ir%in) thro$)h #y bo!y" Is this it< Is
this +hat I a# to !o, or at %east an i#'ortant 'art o& it<
Is this a critica% 'iece I ha(e been #issin)< A 'iece o&
#yse%& I ha! %ost<
I thin* so" I ha(e &o$n! a 'art o& #yse%& #issin) %o
these #any years" The %oman %ho %or!s %ith her
hands3 The artist, the cra&ts'erson, the #a*er" Not the
!oer or the *no+er, b$t the #a*er" The #a*er o& thin)s
o& bea$ty, +ho &in!s as #$ch .oy in the 'rocess as the
en! 'ro!$ct"
The ne1t !ay I &e%t %i*e I ha! e1'erience! a s#a%%
e'i'hany" It &e%t %i*e a #o#ent o& i#'ortant insi)ht into
#yse%& an! into #y &$t$re" I re#e#bere! that the ti#es I
&e%t #ost in(o%(e! in #y +or*, #ost e1cite! abo$t +hat I
+as !oin), +ere ti#es o& #a*in) an! cra&tin) " " "
!ra+in) a rich%y te1t$re! #a' &or #y &ina% 'ro.ect in
carto)ra'hy " " " #a*in) (ibrant 'en an! in* !ra+in)s on
Iona " " " cra&tin) can!%es an! &%o+in) 'ots at =in!horn """
creatin) bea$ti&$% sha'es &ro# nothin)ness " " " cra&tin)
+or!s in +ritten notes, .o$rna%s that I sho+e! no one"
Those +ere the ti#es I +as $na+are o& ti#e, tota%%y
in(o%(e!, in a sort o& #e!itati(e state o& abso%$te
concentration an! se%&/&or)et&$%ness"
I be)an to &ee%, the &o%%o+in) !ay, that I ha!
re!isco(ere! an i#'ortant 'art o& #yse%&" That 'erha's
my 'ath +as e#er)in) &ro# the $n!er)ro+th an! thic*
tan)%e o& sho$%!s an! !esire to a!o't the #asc$%ine
c$%t$ra% (a%$es e#'hasi8in) the %i&e o& the #in!" Schoo%
e#'hasi8e! *no+%e!)e, &acts, content, thin*in),
ana%ysis" I !isco(ere! I +as )oo! at that" It +as a +ay to
e1ce%, to +in 'raise an! attention" What e%se +as there,
rea%%y< So I +a%*e! that roa!, c%ear%y #ar*e! an!
s#ooth%y 'a(e!"
On%y it has ne(er &e%t >$ite ri)ht" Why !i! I not )o on
to )et #y 7h"D" an! teach so#e+here< I tho$)ht abo$t
it, b$t so#ethin) insi!e *e't '$%%in) #e asi!e &ro# that
'a(e! roa!" I ha! the abi%ity &or it, b$t not rea%%y the
heart &or it" An! yet I critici8e! #yse%& &or not &o%%o+in)
thro$)h, tho$)ht I +as +ea*, acce'te! criticis#s that I
+as tri(ia%i8in) #y %i&e by not &oc$sin) on a !oin) career"
B$t no+ I see that the reason the 'a(e! roa! +asnt
ri)ht &or #e is that I a# #ore o& a #a*er than a *no+er
or a !oer" That 'erha's the reason I +as so ha''y at
=in!horn ha! #ore to !o +ith a%% the ti#e I s'ent in the
can!%e st$!io an! the 'ottery st$!io than I ha!
s$s'ecte!" That I ha(e a%+ays %o(e! #a*in) thin)s since
ear%y chi%!hoo!, b$t acce'te! the 're(ai%in) (ie+ that
s$ch +or* +as &ri(o%o$s, s$'er&icia%, $ni#'ortant,
$nnecessary, not a tr$e contrib$tion, &it on%y &or s'are
ti#e as a hobby" That by !oin) so I c$t o&&, sto''e! $' a
#a.or so$rce o& .oy an! %i&e ener)y an! (ita%ity in #yse%&"
We%%, no #ore9
Whats stirrin) in #e is the e#er)ence o& a ne+
stan!ar! by +hich to choose +hat I !o" I hear #yse%&
ta%*in) abo$t 'ossib%y, .$st 'ossib%y, !oin) the *in!s o&
thin)s I(e a%+ays +ante! to !o, not &e%t I sho$%! !o,
e(en i& I ha(ent the (a)$est i!ea o& +hat their o$tco#e
+i%% be or i& I%% be #a*in) a nee!e! contrib$tion or i& I!
e(en be any )oo! at it"
So +hat are these thin)s I &ee% !ra+n to< A%% thin)s
I(e !isco(ere! by acci!ent, that ha(e co#e b$bb%in) $'
o$t o& #e, so to s'ea*" Ne(er '%anne! or !isco(ere!
thro$)h tho$)ht" Ma*es #e ner(o$s e(en to +rite the#
!o+n" One is han!/b$i%t 'ottery, the *in! o& thin)s I !i!
at =in!horn" This is e1citin), en)a)in), satis&yin)" I can
'ict$re #yse%& %oo*in) at the +or%! !i&&erent%y, a%+ays
thin*in) o& sha'es, !esi)ns, &or#s, +hether ins'ire! by
art or the nat$ra% +or%!" I can 'ict$re #yse%& )oin) to art
sho+s an! cra&t sho+s an! bein) &$%%y en)a)e! in
%oo*in), a''reciatin), co#in) $' +ith ne+ a''roaches" It
&ee%s (ery sti#$%atin), (ery en%i(enin), e1citin)" I(e
a%+ays %o(e! !oin) thin)s +ith #y han!s, cra&tin)
thin)s" I &ee% %i*e this +o$%! brin) #e o$t o& #y hea!, o$t
o& i!eas so #$ch, to beco#e #ore en)a)e! in the +or%!
o$t there"
Another thin) I a# )oin) to '$rs$e is staine! )%ass"
I(e +ante! to !o this &or years an! ne(er ha(e, I )$ess
beca$se I tho$)ht it +as $ni#'ortant re%ati(e to
e(erythin) e%se" Writin) a%% this, I can .$st &ee% the artist
+ithin strainin) to )et o$t9 I +ant to '$rs$e those %ine
!ra+in)s o& #ine 2 a)ain, they b$bb%e! $'
s'ontaneo$s%y, be)innin) +ith #y !oo!%es an! e(o%(in)
into rea% 'ict$res" An! seein) +hat *in! o& a base &or
staine! )%ass they +o$%! #a*e" An! re#e#ber a%% the
nee!%e'oint !esi)ns I $se! to !o< A)ain so#ethin) I .$st
starte! !oin) s'ontaneo$s%y, no one ta$)ht #e ho+ or
s$))este! it"
Another thin) is +ritin), cra&tin) +or!s, an ear%y %o(e
>$e%%e!, '$re an! si#'%e, by &ear" This one is sti%% the
scariest o& the# a%%, the #ost '$b%ic, re(ea%in) the inner
+or*in)s o& #y #in! an! so$%, a&rai! I%% be .$!)e!
s$'er&icia%, .$(eni%e, borin), etc", etc" B$t I# !eter#ine!
to +rite this boo*, e(en i& it ne(er )ets any+here near
bein) '$b%ishe!" I +i%% co#e bac* to that !e%i)ht in
+or!s, in their bea$ty an! 'o+er an! ca'acity to
s$r'rise" I sti%% re#e#ber (i(i!%y that 'a'er I +rote in
.$nior hi)h schoo% abo$t +hat it &e%t %i*e to sit in be! %ate
at ni)ht an! rea!" I !escribe! #y &ee%in)s, the +ar#th o&
the %i)ht b$%b, the b$)s attracte! to the %i)ht, the &ee% o&
the sheets on #y %e)s, the >$iet %ate ni)ht so$n!s, the
&ee% o& the 'a)es as they t$rne!, the s$bt%e so$n!s o&
the 'a)es an! the s'ine o& the boo* crac*in) e(er so
s%i)ht%y" An! I re#e#ber #y %o(e o& certain t$rns o&
'hrase, es'ecia%%y rea!in) La+rence D$rre%%" I +o$%!
co'y o$t short 'hrases, e(en sin)%e +or!s, that I %i*e! in
the bac* o& those boo*s, sa(orin) each one" It +as
a%#ost %i*e eatin) can!y, the '%eas$re I too* in the &ee%
o& those 'hrases"
Another thin) I(e a%+ays %o(e! is +or*in) +ith
)ro$'s, as at =in!horn" I !ont thin* I +ant to )o bac* to
schoo% an! st$!y theories any#ore" I# intereste! 2 this
is 'retty #$ch a &e#inine +ay, I thin* 2 in 'ractica%
a''roaches that +i%% he%' 'eo'%e" Cancer S$''ort
Co##$nity 2 thats it"
A%% these thin)s9 The %o(e o& +hich has a%+ays co#e
to #e s'ontaneo$s%y, ne(er '%anne!" Where !i! a%% this
)o< Ho+ !i! it )et %ost< I# not s$re" B$t +hate(er
ha''ene!, it see#s to a%% ha(e co#e bac* a)ain" The
si#'%e '%eas$re o& bein) an! #a*in), not *no+in) an!
!oin)" It &ee%s %i*e co#in) ho#e9 Is this +hat ;en ta%*s
abo$t +hen he sai! he !isco(ere! his !ae#on< Mine is
not &%ashy, not o& the #in!, not o& the incre!ib%e &eats he
see#s to acco#'%ish" B$t thats the 'oint, I no+ see 2
#ine is >$ieter, #ore a#or'ho$s, #ore )ent%e, I thin*"
More bac*)ro$n!, #ore &e#inine, #ore in(isib%e" More o&
the bo!y" More o& the Earth" An! #ore rea% &or #e9
0An! so thats +hat +ent on %ast ni)ht,0 she sai! as she
&inishe! re%atin) the story" I ca$)ht her e1cite#ent, it +as
so ob(io$s%y )en$ine" An! the &$nny thin) is, e(eryone +ho
#et Treya +as in(ariab%y i#'resse! +ith her #in!, she +as
easi%y one o& the #ost inte%%ect$a%%y ac$te 'eo'%e I ha! e(er
#et" When Treya +ra''e! her #in! aro$n! a to'ic, 'ity
that to'ic" B$t she +as !isco(erin) that her abi%ity to !o this
+asnt !ee'%y satis&yin) to her" She sai! she! been
%istenin) to the +ron) (oice"
Direct%y re%ate! to this shi&t in (oice +as the increasin)%y
insistent iss$e o& +hether +e #a*e o$rse%(es sic* 2 the
+ho%e ne+ a)e notion that 'eo'%e brin) on their i%%ness
either by their o+n tho$)hts or as so#e sort o& #e)a%esson
they nee! to %earn 4as o''ose! to si#'%y %earnin) &ro#
i%%ness, +hate(er its ca$se5" The +ho%e iss$e er$'te! a)ain
+ith Treyas ha(in) !iabetes" She +as si#'%y assa$%te! by
+e%%/#eanin) 'eo'%e +ho +ere )oin) to he%' her see +hy
she )a(e herse%& !iabetes" To the theoretica% reasons that
this i!ea is (ery %o'si!e!, 'artia%, an! !an)ero$s 2 reasons I
+i%% ret$rn to in a %ater cha'ter 2 Treya a!!e! another- the
+ho%e a''roach is too #asc$%ine, too contro%%in), too
a))ressi(e, too (io%atin)" An! in!ee!, Treya +o$%! (ery
soon beco#e a nationa% s'o*es'erson &or a #ore
co#'assionate (ie+ o& i%%ness" Ho+ !o I *no+ this< Why, by
the on%y rea%%y (iab%e aca!e#ic test in A#erica- The .prah
Winfrey Sho% ca%%e! an! as*e! her to a''ear o''osite
Bernie Sie)e%"
This +ho%e iss$e o& +hether or not I ca$se! #y
!isease4s5 is $' &or #e a)ain" Beca$se the 'erson +ho is
theori8e! abo$t or +ho theori8es abo$t hi#/ or herse%&
o&ten sees this >$estion o& res'onsibi%ity in the %i)ht o&
b%a#e" 0What !i! I !o to !eser(e this<0 0Why #e<0
0What !i! I !o +ron) that this sho$%! ha''en to #e<0
0No +on!er I )ot cancer" I )a(e it to #yse%&"0 That *in!
o& thin*in)"
I(e i#'ose! this 0%o)ic0 on #yse%& at ti#es" My
&rien!s ha(e !one it to #e" I !i! it to #y #other +hen
she ha! cancer ei)hteen years a)o, an! I i#a)ine she
too &e%t (io%ate! in so#e +ay 2 an! ri)ht%y so" =or e(en
tho$)h I thin* there is so#e tr$th in the i!ea that
so#ethin) I #i)ht ha(e !one once, or certain habit$a%
#o!es o& beha(ior, or certain +ays o& re%atin) to the
+or%! an! !ea%in) +ith stress #i)ht ha(e contrib$te! to
#y !e(e%o'in) cancer an! !iabetes, I !ont be%ie(e that
is the +ho%e 'ict$re" I(e reacte! to the nat$ra% h$#an
!esire to &in! a si#'%e an! c%ear ca$se &or !iseases that
are &ri)htenin)" Its been a nat$ra% an! $n!erstan!ab%e
!e&ense a)ainst the &ear o& the $n*no+n"
Th$s I(e been care&$% to e1'%ain that I be%ie(e
!isease has #any ca$ses 2 )enetic, here!itary, !iet,
en(iron#ent, %i&esty%e, 'ersona%ity" B$t sayin) that one
o& these ca$ses is the on%y ca$se, that 'ersona%ity a%one
brin)s on !isease, o(er%oo*s the &act that +hi%e +e can
contro% ho+ +e res'on! to +hat ha''ens to $s, +e cant
contro% e(erythin) that ha''ens to $s" This i%%$sion o&
bein) in contro%, that +e can contro% e(erythin) that
ha''ens to $s, is so !estr$cti(e, so a))ressi(e"
The 'oint, ho+e(er, %ies #ore +ith the >$estion o&
)$i%t" I& so#eone !e(e%o's cancer, theori8es that they
bro$)ht it on the#se%(es, then &ee%s )$i%ty or +ron) or
ba! beca$se o& that, the )$i%t itse%& beco#es a 'rob%e#
that #i)ht e(en inter&ere +ith ho+ +e%% they co'e +ith
the !isease an! #o(e &or+ar! to+ar! hea%th or better
>$a%ity o& %i&e" Thats +hy this is s$ch a sensiti(e iss$e"
Thats +hy the +ho%e iss$e o& res'onsibi%ity nee!s to be
!ea%t +ith sensiti(e%y" Thats +hy its i#'ortant to #a*e
care&$% !istinctions abo$t ca$sation an! not i#'$te
$nconscio$s #oti(es to others" Its !i&&ic$%t to !eny
$nconscio$s or s$bconscio$s #oti(es" =or #e, ha(in)
'eo'%e theori8e abo$t #e on that %e(e% is +hat #a*es
#e &ee% (io%ate! an! so#eti#es >$ite he%'%ess" We a%%
*no+ ho+ &r$stratin) it can be to &ee% $n.$st%y acc$se!
by another o& actin) on so#e $nconscio$s #oti(e an!
then ha(e the# inter'ret a%% o$r 'rotestations as si#'%y
!enia% an! &$rther 'roo& that they +ere ri)ht in the &irst
'%ace abo$t $s9 7sycho%o)y at its cr$!est"
Most 'eo'%e +ho are i%% are $n!er)oin) a )reat !ea% o&
stress !ea%in) +ith it, +hether or not they are in(o%(e! in
these co#'%e1 >$estions o& 'sycho%o)ica% &actors an!
ca$sation" They #ay be $n!er)oin) e(en #ore stress i&
they !o )et in(o%(e! in these iss$es o& bein) res'onsib%e
&or their i%%ness" Their nee!s sho$%! be res'ecte!, the
%i#its they s$))est sho$%! at %east be consi!ere!" Not
that I !ont be%ie(e in hea%thy con&rontation at the ri)ht
#o#ent, &or I certain%y !o" What I ob.ect to is 'eo'%e
theori8in) abo$t #e an! not botherin) to as* #e +hat
#y tho$)hts on #yse%& an! this i%%ness are" I !ont %i*e
so#eone sayin) to #e, 0P says cancer is ca$se! by
resent#ent,0 es'ecia%%y i& this is sai! in a +ay that
#a*es it so$n! %i*e they be%ie(e that +as the ca$se o&
#y !e(e%o'in) cancer" Or 0Diabetes is ca$se! by %ac* o&
%o(e"0 Who rea%%y *no+s< B$t I !ont #in! the# sayin) to
#e, 0P says cancer is ca$se! by resent#ent, +hat !o
yo$ thin*< Is that tr$e in any +ay &or yo$<0
I !o be%ie(e that +e can $se the crises in o$r %i(es &or
hea%in)" I be%ie(e that abso%$te%y" I *no+ that there are
ti#es in #y %i&e I ha(e &e%t resent#ent, an! +hi%e I !o not
*no+ i& that '%aye! any ro%e in #y !e(e%o'in) cancer, I
!o be%ie(e it can be (ery he%'&$% to beco#e a+are o& that
'ossibi%ity an! choose to $se this crisis to hea% #yse%& o&
resent#ent, to 'ractice &or)i(eness an! !e(e%o'
co#'assion" I s$''ose a s$##ary o& a%% this +o$%! rea!
so#ethin) %i*e this- I ha(e ha! cancer" I &ee% ba! eno$)h
abo$t this, abo$t the threat to #y %i&e, abo$t the s$r)ery
an! treat#ents I ha(e ha! to $n!er)o" It has been
&ri)htenin)" I ha(e &e%t )$i%ty &or )ettin) cancer" I ha(e
as*e! #yse%& +hat I #i)ht ha(e !one to brin) this on
#yse%&" I ha(e been $n*in! to #yse%& in as*in) so#e o&
these >$estions" 7%ease he%'" I !o not nee! yo$ to be
$n*in! to #e too" I nee! yo$ to $n!erstan!, to be )ent%e,
to he%' #e +rest%e +ith these >$estions" I !o not nee!
yo$ to theori8e abo$t #e behin! #y bac*, so to s'ea*" I
nee! yo$ to as* #e, not to te%% #e" I nee! yo$ to try to
$n!erstan! +hat this #$st &ee% %i*e, .$st a %itt%e, to '$t
yo$rse%& in #y '%ace an! ho'e&$%%y treat #e #ore *in!%y
than I so#eti#es treat #yse%&"
In March Treya an! I .o$rneye! to the Ios%in C%inic in
Boston, &a#o$s &or its treat#ent o& !iabetes, in an atte#'t
to )et a better han!%e on this ne+ i%%ness" We co#bine! this
+ith a b$siness tri' to Sha#bha%a, +hich #eant seein)
Sa#"
Sa##y9 What a s+eetie" S$ch a bri%%iant
b$siness#an, yet so %o(in) an! o'en" I %o(e the +ay he
an! ;en %o(e each other, ho+ they a%+ays tease each
other" In Sha#bha%as o&&ice, they rea! so#e recent
re(ie+s o& ;ens boo*s" See#s theyre ha(in) a bi)
i#'act, not .$st in A#erica" Sa# sai! ;en is a bi) c$%t in
Ia'an, b$t hes tho$)ht o& as 0ne+ a)e,0 +hich &rea*s
;en o$t" In 6er#any he is a rea% #ainstrea# hit, bi)
aca!e#ic 'heno#enon" We #a!e .o*es abo$t Wi%berians
+hich soon !e)enerate! into Wi%berries" E(erybo!y
co##ente! on ho+ ;en see#s to be chan)in), #ore
($%nerab%e, #ore a''roachab%e, %ess ca$stic an! !istant
an! arro)ant, s+eeter"
We ha! %$nch +ith E#i%y Hi%b$rn Se%%, the e!itor at
Sha#bha%a" I %i*e her a %ot, tr$st her .$!)#ent" I to%! her
abo$t the boo* I +as +or*in) on 2 cancer,
'sychothera'y, s'irit$a%ity 2 an! as*e! her i& she +o$%!
e!it it &or #e" I! %o(e to, she sai!, +hich #a*es #e e(en
#ore !eter#ine! to see this 'ro.ect thro$)h9
Later that !ay +e &o$n! o$rse%(es stan!in) in the
Chi%!rens Section at the Ios%in Diabetes C%inic, +aitin)
&or the teachin) n$rse" The b$%%etin boar! +as &i%%e! +ith
ne+s'a'er artic%es, anno$nce#ents, 'osters, chi%!rens
!ra+in)s" One hea!%ine rea! 0Li&e is a Ba%ancin) Act &or
a :0/3ear/O%!"0 There +as a >$ote &ro# the ten/year/o%!
*i! in %ar)e ty'e abo$t ho+ #ost *i!s, +hen they &irst
%earn they ha(e !iabetes, are si#'%y an)ry an! +ant it
to not be tr$e, they !ont +ant to ha(e to !o anythin)
abo$t it" There +as a 'oster ne1t to this c%i''in) that
sai!, 0Do yo$ *no+ so#eone +ho +ants to ha(e a baby
an! has !iabetes<0 +ith the &ace o& a s#a%% chi%! 'eerin)
o$t at #e" There +as another c%i''in) abo$t a &o$r/year/
o%! +ith !iabetes, another 'oster abo$t he%'in) chi%!ren
o(erco#e their &ear o& hos'ita%s" Tears +e%%e! $' insi!e
an! !a#'ene! #y eyes" These 'oor *i!s an! +hat they
ha(e to !ea% +ith, so yo$n)" It see#e! so (ery, (ery sa!"
There +ere a n$#ber o& !ra+in)s in bri)ht crayon abo$t
a Dr" Brin*, b$t one es'ecia%%y '$%%e! at #y heart" It sai!,
0Dr" Brin* an! !iabetes )o to)ether %i*e """0 an! then
there +as a !ra+in) be%o+ o& a so!a '%$s a banana s'%it
'%$s choco%ate chi' coo*ies 2 a%% the thin)s the *i! +ho
#a!e the !ra+in) #$st ha(e %o(e! an! no+ co$%! no
%on)er ha(e" He chose the#, those &orbi!!en )oo!ies, to
#a*e his 'oint"
The ne1t !ay, Easter S$n!ay at Trinity Ch$rch, b$i%t in
:BCH, a con)re)ation since :@EK" =ab$%o$s ch$rch,
Ro#anes>$e &ee% to the arches, )o%!/%ea& !ecorations
+ithin, +ar# co%ors o& !ee' )reen an! re!!ish terra/
cotta" The ch$rch +as o(er&%o+in) this Easter S$n!ay" As
+e entere! +e sa+ tab%es &i%%e! +ith )erani$#s, %ater to
%earn it is a ch$rch tra!ition to )i(e one to each chi%! in
the con)re)ation that !ay" It +as a bit o& a s$r'rise to
#e, a re#in!er that this is basica%%y a Christian co$ntry
+hen I !i!nt e(en rea%i8e I! &or)otten that &act" A%%
these 'eo'%e !resse! in their Easter S$n!ay &inery" As
+e +a%*e! to ch$rch it %oo*e! %i*e a coat an! tie +ere
re>$ire! to be o$t on the si!e+a%*s this #ornin),
Bostons !ress co!e r$n ra#'ant"
We s>$ee8e! in a#on) a%% the s'ecia% s$its an!
coor!inate! o$t&its an! Easter hats, &ina%%y arri(in) at a
'er&ect (anta)e 'oint, %oo*in) !o+n on the a%tar &ro#
behin! one o& the tr$#'eters anno$ncin) the tri$#'h o&
Easter" Loo*in) !o+n on the )ray an! bro+n an! b%on!
an! ba%!, hatte!, $nhatte!, an! so#e thinnin) hea!s
be%o+" A%% o& $s e%e(ate!, re#in!e! o& o$r stat$s as sons
an! !a$)hters o& 6o!, by the )o%! )i%t aro$n! $s, the
soarin) arches abo(e $s, the han!so#e cr$ci&i1 o(er the
centra% sanct$# be&ore $s"
I %i*e! the ser#on" It +as (ery short an! c$%t$re!,
+ith re&erences to Ioyces ;lysses as +e%% as to the Bib%e"
Lea(e it to the E'isco'a%ians" The 'astor s'o*e o& the
s$&&erin) in o$r +or%!, o& the o%! be%ie& that those +ho
s$&&er in so#e +ay !eser(e it, an! as*e!, 0Can +e not
)i(e $' that ancient s$'erstition that those +ho s$&&er
!eser(e their s$&&erin)< E(ery ni)ht t+o/thir!s on this
earth )o to be! i%%/c%othe!, i%%/ho$se!, an! i%%/&e!"0 He
co##ente! on Ies$s s$&&erin) as ha(in) to !o +ith the
h$#an con!ition" I(e ne(er hear! it !escribe! as 'art o&
his si#'%y bein) h$#an, 'art o& his h$#anness rather
than his saint%y #ission" The 'astor a%so s'o*e o& o$r
nee! &or #eanin), an! 'raye! &or $s to &in! #eanin) in
the or!inary an! #eanin) in the heroic" 6o! *no+s that
s'ea*s to #e, +ith #y constant h$n)er &or #eanin)"
An! yet, e(en as I hear! that, I &e%t a shi&t has
occ$rre!" The +or! 0#eanin)0 !oesnt ha(e >$ite the
sa#e bite &or #e as it once !i!, not >$ite the sa#e
abi%ity to #a*e #e $nha''y an! !issatis&ie! an! rest%ess
an! searchin) sti%%" I be%ie(e 'erha's I a# bein) #ore
co#'assionate +ith #yse%&" More )ent%e +ith %i&e, +ith
+hat it is to be h$#an" 7art o& the #o(e to+ar! +is!o#
that I +as ta%*in) to ;en abo$t" B$t so#eti#es +hen I
ta%* to others abo$t chan)es I be%ie(e are ha''enin)
+ithin I# not >$ite certain i& its tr$e, a# I bra))in), a#
I on%y ho'in) this is tr$e, a# I a&&ir#in) so#ethin) I +ant
to be tr$e b$t +hich is not yet so< The rin) o& tr$th, the
&ee%in) that I a# act$a%%y not 'reten!in), co#es #ore
+hen I be)in to +rite or ta%* abo$t thin)s that $se! to
bother #e as i& they sti%% !o, b$t the co#'%aint, the e!)e,
the bitterness si#'%y isnt there +ith its o%! &orce" I# not
tryin) to con(ince anyone o& #y 'ro)ress, I# si#'%y
bein) #y o%! cantan*ero$s se%&, co#'%ainin), se%&/
'ityin), )oin) o(er the sa#e o%! territory, an! yet the
co#'%aints are +ea*, #y heart isnt in the# any#ore, I
&ee% a bit bore! +ith +hat I# sayin)" Thats +hen I &ee%
con&i!ent that I a# in!ee! #o(in) on, %ea(in) that
'artic$%ar thin) behin! a&ter so #any #onths or years
I(e %i(e! +ith it"
Then o(er to O%! So$th Ch$rch 2 the enc%ose!,
se'arate bo1es +ith hi)h +a%%s &or each &a#i%y" Beca$se
this re%i)ion 47rotestant5 +as a 'ri(ate e1'erience,
bet+een #an an! his 6o!, rather than an essentia%%y
co##$na% one< A (ery !i&&erent &ee% &ro# Trinity Ch$rch,
+here one can see the +ho%e con)re)ation" A 'astor +as
there, +antin) to *no+ i& he co$%! he%' $s" He sho+e! $s
the bo1 at the &ront +here the )o(ernor 2 the )o(ernor
+hen Massach$setts +as sti%% $n!er En)%an! 2 sat an!
to%! $s O$een E%i8abeth sat there on her (isit" He sai! he
i#a)ine! they +o$%! '$t D$*a*is there +hen he ca#e"
Short circ$it 2 +ho is he, the 'resent )o(ernor 'erha's<
We +an!ere! in the #e#oria% )ar!en a&ter+ar!s,
enc%ose! by a hi)h bric* +a%% +ith '%a>$es
co##e#oratin) the #an +ho '$t in the be%%s $se! by
7a$% Re(ere on the one/i&/by/%an!, t+o/i&/by/sea ni)ht,
co##e#oratin) 6eor)e Washin)ton, co##e#oratin)
so#e 'erson +ho in :@EB 'ro(e! to the satis&action o&
#any +ho sa+ hi# that he co$%! &%y &ro# the be%&ry
to+er" ;en .o*in) that 0they sho$%! ha(e '$t the '%a>$e
!o+n here +here the )rease s'ot sti%% is"0 A%% aro$n!, the
bric* +a%%s )%o+e! in the s'rin) s$nshine, in '%aces
thic*%y co(ere! +ith the bare ste#s o& i(y '%ants,
o(er%a''in), inter+ea(in), %ayer $'on %ayer o& these
ste#s !e%icate%y intert+inin), each thin branch catchin)
the %i)ht .$st so, so that the s$n%i)ht itse%& see#e!
inter+o(en an! te1t$re!" I &e%t so b%esse!, an! !o so no+
.$st thin*in) o& it"
I$ne 2, bac* in San =rancisco 2 a re!/banner !ay" The
!octors ha(e !eci!e! Treya can ha(e her 7ort/a/Cath
re#o(e!" Ha%%e%$.ah9 This #eans they thin* that her
chances o& a rec$rrence are s%i# eno$)h that she nee!nt
%ea(e it in" We are ecstatic" A&ter the 7ort/a/Cath is
re#o(e!, +e )o o$t &or a bi) ce%ebration on the to+n, !iet
be !a#ne!9 Treya is a%i(e, )%o+in), ra!iant" =or the &irst
ti#e in a (ery %on) +hi%e I &ee% I can breathe, act$a%%y
breathe"
E1act%y t+o +ee*s %ater, to the !ay, Treya !isco(ere! a
%$#' on her chest" The %$#' +as re#o(e!" The %$#' +as
cancer"
13
Estre&&a
I WAS L3IN6 IN BED ne1t to Treya the #ornin) she
!isco(ere! the %$#'"
0Honey, %oo*" Ri)ht here"0 S$re eno$)h, a s#a%%, roc*/
har! b$#' $n!er her ri)ht ar#"
Aery ca%#%y she sai!, 0Its 'robab%y cancer, yo$ *no+"0
0I s$''ose so"0
What e%se co$%! it be< An! +orse, a rec$rrence at this
'oint +o$%! be e1tre#e%y serio$s" It +o$%! #ean, a#on)
other thin)s, that the chance o& a rea%%y )r$eso#e
#etastasis 2 to the bone, brain, or %$n) 2 +o$%! no+ be
(ery, (ery hi)h" An! +e both *ne+ it"
B$t +hat a#a8e! #e so, an! +hat contin$e! to a#a8e
#e in the co#in) !ays an! +ee*s an! #onths, +as Treyas
reaction- %itt%e or no a%ar#, no &ear, no an)er, not e(en
tears, not e(en once" Tears +ere al%ays a )i(ea+ay &or
Treya, i& so#ethin) +as +ron), her tears to%!" No tears" An!
it +asnt that she +as si#'%y resi)ne! or !e&eate!" Treya
see#e! to be )en$ine%y at 'eace +ith herse%& an! +ith the
sit$ation, re%a1e!, o'en" What is, is" No .$!)#ent, no
a(oi!ance, no )ras'in), no a(ersion 2 or at any rate,
incre!ib%y #o!est a#o$nts" Her #e!itati(e e>$ani#ity
see#e! to be $nsha*ab%e" I #yse%& +o$%! not ha(e be%ie(e!
it ha! I not +itnesse! it in 'erson, care&$%%y, c%ose%y, o(er a
%on) 'erio! o& ti#e" It +as $n#ista*ab%e, an! not .$st to #e"
So#ethin) +as !e&inite%y )oin) on, so#ethin) +as
ha''enin) to her" Treya herse%& !escribe! it as the
c$%#ination o& that inner shi&t, in so #any o& its &acets 2
&ro# !oin) to bein), &ro# *no+in) to #a*in), &ro#
obsessi(e to tr$stin), &ro# #asc$%ine to &e#inine, an!,
#ost o& a%%, &ro# contro%%in) to acce'tin)" It .$st a%% see#e!
to co#e to)ether in a (ery si#'%e, (ery !irect, (ery
concrete +ay"
Treya ha! in!ee! chan)e! o(er the %ast three years, an!
i& anythin) she o'en%y e1'resse! )ratit$!e &or this
rec$rrence beca$se it sho+e! her, 'ro(e! to her, as
nothin) e%se rea%%y co$%!, .$st ho+ 'ro&o$n! that inner shi&t
+as" She &e%t that her o%! se%&, Terry, ha! !ie!, an! a ne+
se%&, Treya, +as born" She herse%& !escribe! it as a rebirth,
an! Treya +as not )i(en to hy'erbo%e"
An! ho+ !o I &ee% no+< This #o#ent< Basica%%y I &ee%
&ine" A nice S$&i c%ass toni)ht, a &ee%in) that I %i*e that
'ractice an! +o$%! %i*e to contin$e it" ;en an! I are
)oin) &or a !ri(e to#orro+ a%on) the coast an! +e%%
s'en! the ni)ht +here(er +e &in! o$rse%(es" That &ee%s
)oo!"
An! yet .$st this a&ternoon I ta%*e! to 7eter Richar!s
an! !isco(ere! that, a)ain, I ha(e a rec$rrence"
Treat#ent &ai%$re, I thin* they ca%% it" That so$n!s so bi),
so o#ino$s" I &ee% &ine, an! yet at the sa#e ti#e theres
a (oice, not (ery %o$!, that says yo$ sho$%! be +orrie!,
+hy are yo$ ta*in) this so ca%#%y, is this !enia%, !ont
yo$ *no+ +hat &earso#e thin)s 'robab%y %ie ahea! o&
yo$< This (oice is 'resent, b$t it !oesnt ha(e #$ch
'o+er" I thin* its the sa#e 'art o& #e that &rea*e! o$t
+hen I &irst %earne! I ha! cancer, that +o*e in the #i!!%e
o& the ni)ht &$%% o& &ear" It is an i)norant (oice, at that
ti#e it *ne+ so %itt%e it co$%!nt 'aint &earso#e 'ict$res
o& +hat ha(in) the bi) C #i)ht #ean other than the
ob(io$s, !eath" B$t it ha! 'ic*e! $' on the )enera% tone
aro$n! cancer o$t there an! '%aye! those o#ino$s notes
%o$!%y in #y ear"
No+ it *no+s #ore" I(e rea! a %ot abo$t ho+ rea%%y
terrib%e cancer an! its treat#ents can be, rea%%y horri&ic
acco$nts %i*e * $ortal (ondition an! Life and Death on
?@ West, scenes that $se! to )i(e #e ni)ht#ares" B$t
no+ theyre rather 'a%e" Not &$%% o& horror as they once
+ere"
When I &irst &o$n! the b$#', e1ce't &or catchin) #y
breath that &irst #o#ent, I !i!nt &ee% 'artic$%ar%y a&rai!,
tho$)h I reco)ni8e! +hat it #eant" I !i!nt 'anic, I !i!nt
cry, I !i!nt &ee% I +as &i)htin) bac* tears" It +as #ore o&
an oh, this a)ain< *in! o& reaction"
To 7eters o&&ice, an e1a#ination, o& co$rse it has to
co#e o$t" We ha! a )oo! ti#e, I sho+e! hi# the ba%!
'ict$res, he +as in a )oo! #oo! as +as I" The ne1t !ay
as he c$t it o$t, +hi%e ;en an! Aic*y +aite!, he to%! #e
the story o& ho+ one o& the !octors ha! &ina%%y #arrie! a
+o#an that he Fthe !octorG ha! !ate! &or a %on) ti#e
a&ter she iss$e! an $%ti#at$# 2 either yo$ #arry #e or I
+ont )o o$t +ith yo$ any#ore" C%assic #a%e/&e#a%e ta%e,
an! I co$%! te%% the n$rse +ith $s en.oye! hearin) the
insi!e story"
;en is +on!er&$%" We%% )o thro$)h this thin) to)ether,
he says" I &ee% at 'eace +ith it a%%" I& its #y *ar#a, #y %ot
in %i&e to )o thro$)h this, then I acce't it" No $se
a)oni8in) o(er it" No $se thin*in) o& &ri)htenin) &$t$re
'ossibi%ities" I& this is the +ay #y %i&e is, then this is the
+ay #y %i&e is, an! I%% %i(e it +e%%" A *in! o& c$riosity, a
ca%#ness" =or no+ I &ee% )reat" My !iet is )reat, #y
e1ercise is re)$%ar, I &ee% ener)etic an! e1cite! abo$t %i&e
a)ain"
In #e!itation toni)ht, it &ee%s %i*e I a# no %on)er
a(oi!in) re%ationshi', no %on)er resistin) %i&e an! a%% it
#eans" To o'en $' to %i&e in a%% its as'ects" To ta*e ris*s,
to co#'%ete%y tr$st" To sto' $sin) #y #enta% shar'ness
as .$sti&ication &or #y !e&enses, #y a(oi!ances" To
&o%%o+ #y int$ition, that )$t &ee%in) that so#ethin) is
ri)ht, an! to #o(e a+ay &ro# those thin)s that &ee%
+ron) e(en +hen I can s$''ort the# +ith reasons $'on
reasons" To eat &$%%y o& %i&e, o& e1'erience" To no %on)er
taste an! then re.ect" To e#brace, en&o%!, inc%$!e" A%%
&e#inine >$a%ities, I notice!" To sto' tryin) to be a #an
an! re.oice in beco#in) a +o#an"
An! i##e!iate%y it ca#e $' &or #e" To sto' tryin) to
be a #an" To sto' ca%%in) #yse%& Terry" To beco#e
Treya" Treya Wi%ber" To %et )o o& bein) the e%!est son" I
ha! a !rea# that ni)ht, &$%% o& +on!er an! e1cite#ent,
the on%y %ine I can re#e#ber &ro# it is- 0He%%o, #y na#e
is Treya"0
The ne1t #ornin) Terry as*e! #e to start ca%%in) her
0Treya,0 +hich I !i!" Treya, Treya, Treya" At that 'oint I, an!
#any o& her &rien!s, co$%!nt he%' b$t +orry that 'erha's
Treya +as in!ee!, to so#e !e)ree, ca$)ht in !enia% 2 she
+as so ca%#, so >$iet%y .oyo$s, so o'en an! acce'tin)" B$t
that, I +o$%! %earn, +as si#'%y to $n!eresti#ate Treya" She
ha!, in &act, chan)e!, it +as (ery )en$ine, (ery rea%, (ery
!ee'"
It see#s a''ro'riate that as I be)in to +rite
s'eci&ica%%y abo$t ho+ !i&&erent I &ee% no+, a&ter this
#ost recent rec$rrence, that the !is*ette I(e been
+or*in) on &or the %ast si1 #onths is no+ &$%%" I be)in
ane+, on a b%an* !is*"
This !oes &ee% %i*e a ne+ be)innin), a rebirth as it
+ere" I ha(e chan)e!, in so#e !ee' an! 'ro&o$n! +ay"
Its easy to thin* yo$re $na&rai! o& so#ethin) that
hasnt ha''ene! an! that yo$ !ont thin* +i%% ha''en,
b$t yo$ ne(er *no+ &or s$re, not $nti% the &ear&$% thin)
act$a%%y occ$rs" On%y then !o yo$ *no+ i& yo$ are a&rai!
or not a&rai!"
An! this ti#e, I a# $na&rai!" Oh s$re, there are sti%%
'arts o& #e that are a&rai!, I a# sti%% h$#an, a&ter a%%"
There are sti%% a &e+ &ear&$% c%o+ns, b$t they !ont e(en
ha(e bit 'arts" Theyre sta)ehan!s, an! ha''y to )et
e(en that .ob9
An! I ne(er +o$%! ha(e *no+n that this shi&t ha!
ta*en '%ace interna%%y +itho$t the rec$rrence" When I say
I# )rate&$% &or this rec$rrence, I #ean it" So#ethin)
+on!er&$% has ha''ene!" A )reat %oa! o& &ear I ha(e
been carryin) aro$n! has %e&t #e, si%ent%y, so#eti#e in
the ni)ht, I !o not *no+ e1act%y +hen or ho+"
I a# #$ch %ess a&rai!, too, o& the &$t$re, o& 'ossib%e
rec$rrences that #i)ht %ea! to one o& those )ri# cancer
!eaths I(e rea! too #$ch abo$t" When I %oo* $' that
'artic$%ar a%%ey there are sti%% bo)ey#en hi!in) in
corners, b$t this shi&t has )i(en #e &aith that e(en i& I
#$st tra(e% that a%%ey I can no+ tra(e% >$ite %i)ht%y" ;ens
&a(orite %ine- 0To be the Witness o& &ate, not its (icti#"0 I
si#'%y notice, +ith bare attention, an! >$iet .oy an!
ca%# +a%* +ith #e !o+n that a%%ey" That bo$%!er I ha(e
been carryin) +ith #e e(er since #y shoc* an! &ear at
the &irst anno$nce#ent is )one" I& I a# te#'te! to 'ic*
$' 'ebb%es a%on) the +ay, I thin* I can a%so '$t the#
bac* +here they be%on)"
Ho+ !o I &ee% abo$t it< O!!%y e1cite!" Li*e it is a
+on!er&$% o''ort$nity" Here is the 'er&ect i#'et$s to
e1'%ore other #o!es o& cancer treat#ent, a *in! o&
'ost)ra!$ate co$rse in e1'eri#enta% thera'ies" I inten!
to e1'%ore a%ternati(es ran)in) &ro# #etabo%ic thera'ies
to %o+/&at, ra+/&oo! !iets to i##$ne/syste# sti#$%ation
to 'sychic hea%ers to Chinese herbs" I ha(e %oo*e! at #y
%i&e, at +hat I en.oy that has been #issin), an! no+ ha(e
a rea% co##it#ent to reintro!$ce thin)s I ha(e %e&t o$t"
To '$rs$e #y !ae#on o& artisan/shi', the +o#an +ho
+or*s +ith her han!s" To contin$e #e!itation" To
contin$e %oo*in) into the 'sycho%o)ica% co#'onent that
is 20Q 4or +hate(er it is5 o& !isease )enesis" I a# no
%on)er a&rai! o& bein) b%a#e! or &ee%in) )$i%ty" I no
%on)er +ant to be ri)ht" I no %on)er +ant to !e&en!
#yse%&" I a# si#'%y intereste! in %i&e, terrib%y intereste!"
I can e1'an! into %i&e, .$st %i*e #y chi%!hoo! (ision,
#i1in) +ith the $ni(erse"
The on%y treat#ent the !octors co$%! o&&er Treya +as
#ore ra!iation to the )enera% area, a treat#ent that Treya
re.ecte! i##e!iate%y &or the ob(io$s reason that the ear%ier
rec$rrence, the &i(e b$#'s, ha! a%rea!y !e#onstrate! that
this cancer +as resistant to ra!iation" That %e&t her &ree to
e1'%ore any an! a%% a%ternati(es, since +hite #ans #e!icine
ha! been e1ha$ste!" Terry #i)ht ha(e %istene! to the
!octors '%eas 2 they ha(e to o&&er so#ethin), they ha(e to
treat the sic*ness i& they cant treat the i%%ness 2 b$t Treya
+asnt b$yin)"
An! so be)an +hat +as by &ar the #ost entertainin) %e)
o& o$r .o$rney thro$)h the #a! +or%! o& cancer c$res" On
the roa! a)ain, +e hea!e! !o+n to Los An)e%es, to see &irst
a (ery co#'etent 'hysician +ho s'ecia%i8e! in i##$ne/
syste# sti#$%ation, an! then !o+n to De% Mar, +here +e
s'ent an entire +ee* +ith the +i%!, &ab$%o$s, insane,
%o(ab%e, so#eti#es e&&ecti(e, +ac*e!/o$t 'sychic hea%er
Chris Habib"
Whate(er Chris Habib !i! in ter#s o& act$a% hea%in), I
+ont say no+" B$t I +i%% te%% yo$ that she !i! one incre!ib%y
i#'ortant thin)- She co#'%ete! the trans&or#ation &ro#
Terry to Treya by in.ectin) the ne+ Treya +ith an
irre(ersib%e shot o& h$#or"
No#a!s +e ha(e been, these %ast &e+ !ays" One
ni)ht in a Ho%i!ay Inn on the &i&th &%oor, +in!o+s +ont
o'en an! the air con!itioner !oesnt +or*, b$t the
&$rnishin)s are '%$sh" Another ni)ht in a Mission Inn, a%%
one %e(e%, co8y, +ith a (ery 'o'$%ar co&&ee sho'/ba*ery
attache!, a%+ays &$%% o& &a#i%ies eatin) )oo! o%!
A#erican &oo! an! 'ies an! ca*es" Another ni)ht in a
B$!)et Mote% +here the car'et !oesnt &ee% >$ite c%ean
an! yo$ can hear the 'eo'%e on the thir! &%oor, .$st
abo(e, as they $n'ac* an! 'ac*, an! theres a si)n in
the bathroo# sayin) yo$%% be char)e! &or any #issin)
to+e%s" =ab$%o$s !inner that ni)ht, in a '%ace ca%%e! the
=i(e/=oot resta$rant" It is, o& a%% thin)s, a E$ro'ean
)o$r#et estab%ish#ent r$n entire%y by Chinese" What
!oes the na#e #ean< Nobo!y *no+s" ;ens )$ess- the
a(era)e hei)ht o& the +aiters"
De% Mar 2 this '%ace is so %o(e%y, so +ashe! +ith
+a(es an! s$nshine, so re%a1e! 4ho+ !oes anybo!y +or*
here<5 that +e !eci!e! to #a*e a ho%i!ay o& it an!
s'%$r)e on a #ote% ri)ht on the beach" So the tri' has
t$rne! &ro# a ha(e/to/be/hea!>$artere!/in/a/b$!)et/
#ote% to an a!(ent$re in beach %i&e an! >$iet !inin) an!
a s%ee' %$%%e! by the so$n! o& +a(es" When +e ca#e in
a&ter !inner an! +in!o+/sho''in) an! 'ro(isionin) o$r
tiny re&ri)erator +ith (e)etab%es an! &resh &ish, the +i!e
beach +here the ri(er e#'ties into the sea ha! %ar)e
bon&ires %ic*in) the e!)es o& the ni)ht, sha!o+y &i)$res
#o(in) on the e!)e o& the )o%!en %i)ht, an! I i#a)ine! I
co$%! s#e%% hot!o)s an! #arsh#a%%o+s in the so&t
e(enin) air" I i#a)ine the# o$t there no+, the +i(es an!
h$sban!s an! %o(ers, the e#bers sti%% )o%!en, s#a%%
a)ainst the (astness o& the ni)ht s*y"
What !i! I !o this a&ternoon< Why, I +ent to see a
'sychic hea%er" When the session +as o(er I +rote her a
chec* &or JC@K &or a +ee* o& treat#ent, an! &e%t better
abo$t s'en!in) that #oney than #ost o& the #oney
s'ent on #y cancer care" On%y I !ont !are te%% #y
ortho!o1 !octors I# !oin) this" To choose a 'sychic
hea%er o(er ra!iation< Ho+ s$b(ersi(e" An! yet it &ee%s
%i*e a &$%%y hea%thy an! %i&e/a&&ir#in) !ecision &or #e,
#a!e in &$%% a+areness o& the o'tions an! the
a%ternati(es" E(eryone a)rees that be%ie& in the e&&icacy
o& a treat#ent is critica%%y i#'ortant, an! I no %on)er
be%ie(e in ra!iation or che#othera'y to !ea% +ith the
*in! o& !isease I ha(e %e&t" They +ere O; &or #e then,
b$t no %on)er" Not no+"
No+ I a# rea!y &or so#ethin) !i&&erent" With this
hea%er, I +i%% si#'%y see +hat ha''ens, +itho$t
.$!)#ent"
At C-00 7"M", +hi%e ;en is settin) $' o$r
hea!>$arters, I +a%* into the Ho%istic Hea%th Center an!
&in! #y +ay $' the stairs to the rece'tion area" A nice/
%oo*in) yo$n) #an 2 c%ear b%$e eyes, b%on! hair, a nice
o'enness to his &ace 2 o&&ers to sho+ #e the +ay" He is
Dr" 6eor)e Ra+%s, he te%%s #e, the !irector o& the Center"
We +a%* into Chriss treat#ent roo#, thro$)h a +aitin)
roo#" An o%!er #an is %yin) on the treat#ent tab%e an!
Chris is +or*in) on hi#" Her yo$n) son is a%so in the
roo#, an! a #an +ho is obser(in) an!, he says, %earnin)
&ro# her" 6eor)e sits !o+n" Con(ersation &%o+s easi%y
+hi%e Chris contin$es to +or*, a (ery re%a1e! an! cas$a%
at#os'here" The o%!er #an, Bi%%, has an ino'erab%e brain
t$#or" He ha! t+o t$#ors ear%ier +hich Chris treate!
an! +hich shri(e%e!, a''arent%y, b$t %ater another t$#or
ca#e bac*" He +as +hee%e! in on a )$rney &ro# the
%oca% hos'ita% %ast +ee*" No+ hes +a%*in) aro$n!, an! in
the co#in) !ays Chris +o$%! o&ten sen! hi# o$t to )et
co&&ee &or $s" At ti#es she ta%*s abo$t hi# as i& hes not
there, an! %ater his brother enters an! .oins the ta%*" She
+or*s +ith her %e&t han! behin! his hea!, her ri)ht han!
on the si!e o& his hea!" At one 'oint she says she &ee%s a
s'ot o& co%! there, sti%%, a s#a%% one" He a)rees, he &ee%s
it too" She chi!es hi# )ent%y, yo$re s$''ose! to te%% #e
these thin)s, !o yo$ +ant #e to )$ess it a%% #yse%&<
6eor)e e1'%ains that Chriss cas$a% +ay o& +or*in) isnt
ty'ica% o& the Center, .$st her +ay"
Then it is #y t$rn to %ie on the co$ch" 6eor)e %ea(es,
a&ter sayin) he +o$%! %o(e to #eet ;en" He thin*s hi)h%y
o& ;p from )den an! o& ;ens +ritin)s in )enera%" =irst
she +or*s on #y %e&t si!e" I &ee% a coo%ness on the si!e o&
#y breast +here her ri)ht han! is, she te%%s #e to be
s$re an! te%% her i& I e(er &ee% anythin) rea%%y co%!" Then
her han!s #o(e an! I &ee% a coo%ness in #y rib area, .$st
be%o+ #y breast" Then she +or*s &or se(era% #in$tes on
#y ab!o#en" So#ethin)s )oin) on in the 'ancreas, she
says" 0Oh, I &or)ot to te%% yo$, I a%so ha(e !iabetes"0
Interestin)" She +or*s there &or #aybe t+enty #in$tes
#ore, #o(in) her %e&t han! to the center .$st $n!er #y
breastbone an! *ee'in) the ri)ht o(er the ribs, +here I
contin$e to &ee% coo%ness" She ta%*s a bit abo$t cancer
bein) ca$se! by a (ir$s, ho+ the (ir$s #ay sti%% be there,
hi!in), +hen #e!ica% !octors say it is )one" What she is
!oin) no+ is *ee'in) it &ro# #o(in) to another '%ace,
she says" She has one han! in the center o& #y chest,
.$st be%o+ the stern$#, an! the other sti%% o(er #y rib
an! #y 'ancreas" One '%ace &ee%s coo%, the other !oes
not" When she #o(es to the %e&t si!e o& #y bo!y I sti%%
&ee% so#e coo%ness o(er the 'ancreas an! re#e#ber
that #y )ran!&ather !ie! o& cancer o& the 'ancreas"
On #y ri)ht si!e she '$ts her %e&t han! $n!er #e an!
her ri)ht a%on) #y si!e .$st +here the rec$rrences ha(e
been" I co$%!nt &ee% any coo%ness or co%!, I to%! her" A&ter
a +hi%e she #o(es her ri)ht han! $', o(er the to' o& #y
'rosthesis" I o&&er to re#o(e it, b$t she says its not
necessary, her ener)y can tra(e% thro$)h it easi%y" A%% o&
this, o& co$rse, +ith her son an! the #an %oo*in) on"
I &in! that she ha! cancer +hen she +as t+enty/
three, a %$#' in her breast that in three years ha!
s'rea! thro$)h her bo!y" She te%%s #e that +as the
be)innin) o& her +or*, that she +ent to a%% *in!s o&
!octors an! hea%ers" =or a +hi%e she st$!ie! +ith a
bioche#ist in Ita%y, b$t so#e+here in there she +as
arreste! &or hea%in) a chi%! +ith %e$*e#ia" Can yo$
i#a)ine, she says, i& thats a cri#e " " " This bioche#ist
+as a be%ie(er in $n$s$a% a''roaches, an! to%! her that
he ha! *no+n &ro# the #o#ent he #et her that she
co$%! hea%"
Her !rea# is to )o to a Thir! Wor%! co$ntry an! teach
others ho+ to hea%" She says her #etho! is (ery
#athe#atica% an! teachab%e, tho$)h certain%y so#e
ha(e #ore ta%ent &or it than others" There are ten %e(e%s
that !isease can e1ist on, she says, an! cancer is a &i&th
%e(e% !isease" Diabetes is a &o$rth %e(e% !isease" To hea%,
yo$ ha(e to raise yo$r (ibrations to .$st the ri)ht %e(e%
an! then tai%or it to the ty'e o& cancer an! %earn to e1ert
.$st the ri)ht a#o$nt o& 'ress$re in yo$r brain" =or
e1a#'%e .$st no+, she says, I# e1ertin) abo$t thirteen
$nits o& 'ress$re" I $s$a%%y +or* bet+een ten an!
t+enty/&i(e" She nee!s a Thir! Wor%! co$ntry, she says,
beca$se this sort o& thin) isnt a%%o+e! in the D"S"
Ne1t !ay, bac* to Chris" ;en is stayin) a+ay $nti% the
en!, so any o& his s*e'ticis# +ont rain on #y 'ara!e" I
&in! I %i*e her so #$ch, +hat is it abo$t her< To!ay she
te%%s #e that she ha! cancer se(en ti#es 4an! three
heart attac*s5 an! t+o o& those ti#es +as 'rono$nce!
ter#ina%" Her h$sban! 2 she +as #arrie! at a)e &i&teen 2
+a%*e! in one !ay +hen she +as thirty an! sai! he +as
%ea(in) her" =or his secretary, +ho# he ha! hire! a
#onth ear%ier" That +as it, no other e1'%anation, no
're(io$s 'rob%e#s, thin)s ha! see#e! &ine" At that ti#e
they ha! three chi%!ren an! t+o a!o'te! chi%!ren" Within
a #onth, she sai!, she ha! cancer a%% thro$)h her" The
reason it *e't co#in) bac* +as that she ha! a bro*en
heart an! +as e#'ty, she ha!nt %earne! to #eet her
o+n nee!s" Her ste'&ather %e&t the &a#i%y +hen she +as
ei)ht an! she, bein) the e%!est chi%!, too* care o&
e(eryone, inc%$!in) her #other 2 +ho ha! nineteen
heart attac*s o(er the years" She a%so ha! a retar!e!
sister a year yo$n)er +ho# she too* care o&" This ty'e
o& sit$ation- her ste'&ather, +ho +as a car'enter, ca#e
in one !ay +ith his )$ts han)in) o$t, he ha! s'%it hi#se%&
o'en on a circ$%ar sa+" He to%! her #other to ca%% an
a#b$%ance, her #other &ainte!, so Chris ca%%e! the
a#b$%ance an! he%'e! her &ather %ie !o+n an! ho%!
hi#se%& to)ether" She ha! to %earn to ta*e care o&
herse%&, she says, be&ore she co$%! rea%%y be c$re!"
She ta%*s abo$t chasin) a (ir$s aro$n! #y bo!y,
#a*in) s$re it !oesnt hi!e o$t any+here e%se" When she
a''%ies ener)y, i& there is any (ir$s the area )ets co%!"
The co%! is ho+ she *no+s the (ir$s is there" The co%! is
a%so +hat *i%%s the (ir$s, they !ont %i*e the co%!, she
says" So as she +or*s on #e shes #o(in) her han!s to
!i&&erent '%aces, so#eti#es she%% as* #e i& I &ee% co%!
so#e+here or i& I &ee% a &%o+ &ro# one '%ace to another,
so#eti#es she%% say she &ee%s so#ethin) in a 'artic$%ar
'%ace an! as* #e i& I !o" When I &ee% the co%! its #ore a
coo%ness an! $s$a%%y not too !ee'" 6oo!, she says, its
)oo! yo$re not &ee%in) a shar' co%! or +e! ha(e a %ot o&
+or* to !o" I as* her i& it #a*es it har!er to +or* +ith
'eo'%e +ho cant &ee% in certain areas beca$se o& s$r)ery
or ra!iation" She says no, not rea%%y, beca$se she can
&ee% it" B$t it !oes see# i#'ortant &or 'eo'%es hea%in)
&or the# to be ab%e to &ee% it an! see it, so they *no+
so#ethin) is ha''enin)" When she '$t her han! !o+n
+here it +as coo% she sai!, +e !ont +ant this (ir$s
hi!in) o$t any+here e%se, !o +e<
Whi%e the treat#ent +as )oin) on she ha! t+o stones
'%ace! on #e, one a stran)e &%$orite crysta% !o+n on #y
ab!o#en an! another, a bea$ti&$% s#ooth #eta%%ic
stone, on #y heart" Cant say I c%ear%y &e%t anythin) &ro#
either o& the#, b$t the +ho%e ti#e I +as there I +as
a+are o& a %ot o& ener)y #o(in) in #y bo!y, es'ecia%%y in
#y %e)s an! in #y &eet"
That !ay she ta%*e! a %ot 2 +e +ere a%one &or this
session 2 abo$t ho+ !i&&ic$%t it is to +or* in the D"S" An
ins'ector ca#e by recent%y, &or e1a#'%e, %oo*e! aro$n!,
co$%!nt see any instr$#ents in her o&&ice" He +ante! to
#a*e s$re a%% she +as !oin) +as %ayin) on han!s, +hich
she ass$re! hi# +as a%%" She in(ite! hi# to stay, b$t he
co$%!nt" A''arent%y shes +atche! o&& an! on a %ot"
Once, she sai!, 'eo'%e bro$)ht her a %itt%e )ir% +ith
%e$*e#ia" They ha! trie! e(erythin), a%% the !octors, a%%
the treat#ents, an! Chris +as their %ast ho'e, they sai!"
When they bro$)ht the %itt%e )ir% in they ha! s$itcases
&$%% o& (ita#ins an! herbs an! s'ecia% &oo!s" Chris
%a$)he!, to%! the# to )o o$t an! )et the )ir% a
McDona%!s b$r)er" The %itt%e )ir% +as !e%i)hte!, the
others horri&ie!, b$t they !i! it" The %itt%e )ir% +as c$re!
a&ter on%y &o$r sessions, Chris sai!" She %o(es +or*in)
+ith chi%!ren, they are easy, they !ont ha(e a%% the a!$%t
st$&& in the +ay"
She sai! her ei)hteen/year/o%! son )a(e her a %ect$re
this #ornin)" Mo#, he sai!, yo$(e )ot to !ress #ore
'ro&essiona%%y an! c%ean $' yo$r %an)$a)e" B$t Chris
&ee%s she has to !o it her +ay, an! shes .$st as %i*e%y to
co#e $' +ith a !irty .o*e as so#e soothin), hea%in)
state#ent" A&ter a%%, she says, #ost o& the ti#e I# tryin)
to )et #y 'atients to %i)hten $' abo$t %i&e" 7eo'%e )et so
serio$s abo$t this st$&&, an! the .o*es he%'" I(e been
aro$n! so #$ch i%%ness an! s$&&erin) an! !eath a%% #y
%i&e I !ont ta*e it serio$s%y any#ore, an! that he%'s the
'eo'%e +ho co#e in here" Theyre $s$a%%y too serio$s"
My ho#e+or*- co#e in +ith a .o*e the ne1t !ay"
Why is she so (ery %i*ab%e< Why !o I %i*e her so
#$ch< I tr$st her o'enness abo$t +hat she !oes an! her
!esire to teach it" Shes not )ree!y, thats &or s$re" I %i*e
bein) aro$n! her, %oo* &or+ar! to co#in) bac*"
De&inite%y a stron), n$rt$rin), #otherin) ener)y she has"
I ho'e she has %earne! to ta*e care o& herse%&, I can sti%%
hear her sayin) ho+ a%% those years she +as )i(in) an!
ta*in) care o& others she +as e#'ty insi!e, she !i!nt
*no+ ho+ to )i(e to herse%&"
Chris Habib +as so#ethin) e%se" She +as rea%%y >$ite
bea$ti&$%, in a s%i)ht%y bro*en/!o+n *in! o& +ay" O& co$rse,
i& yo$ be%ie(e! the se(en bo$ts o& se%&/c$re! cancer, the
bro*en/!o+n 'art +as easy to $n!erstan!" B$t it +as .$st
this ty'e o& s*e'ticis# that Treya +ante! #e to *ee' to
#yse%&, than* yo$ (ery #$ch" The at#os'here ha! )otten
rather ba! bet+een $s 2 so#ethin) &air%y rare by then 2 an!
+e ha! r$n to o$r res'ecti(e &rien!s +ith ta%es o& +oe an!
re#orse" We &ina%%y ha! it o$t that e(enin), the )ent%e
so$n! o& the +a(es stan!in) in shar' contrast to the heat o&
the !isc$ssion"
0Loo*,0 I be)an, 0I# not s*e'tica% abo$t &aith hea%in) in
)enera% or the %ayin) on o& han!s in 'artic$%ar" I ha''en to
be%ie(e that both o& those are so#eti#es (ery rea%
'heno#ena"0
Treya interr$'te!" 03o$ *no+ as +e%% as I !o the theory
behin! it" There are s$bt%e ener)y c$rrents in the h$#an
bo!y 2 'rana, chi, *i 2 the sa#e ener)ies $se! in
ac$'$nct$re, the sa#e ener)ies #ani'$%ate! in *$n!a%ini
yo)a" An! I !o be%ie(e that so#e 'eo'%e, the so/ca%%e!
hea%ers, can intentiona%%y #ani'$%ate those ener)ies in
the#se%(es an! in others"0
0So !o I, so !o I"0 Those ener)ies, in &act, +ere %e(e% t+o
in the #o!e% I ha! o$t%ine! to E!ith L$n!e%, the e#otiona%/
bioener)y %e(e%, the %e(e% that &or#s the cr$cia% %in*
bet+een the 'hysica% bo!y 2 an! its !iseases 2 an! the
#enta% an! s'irit$a% %e(e%s" I 'ersona%%y be%ie(e that
#ani'$%atin) those ener)ies, +hether thro$)h yo)a,
e1ercise, ac$'$nct$re, or %ayin) on o& han!s, can be an
i#'ortant an! so#eti#es cr$cia% &actor in the hea%in) o&
'hysica% i%%ness, since each hi)her %e(e% has a 'ro&o$n!
i#'act on its %o+er %e(e%4s5" So/ca%%e! 0!o+n+ar!
ca$sation"0
0Then +hy the s*e'ticis# abo$t Chris< I can te%% by yo$r
sni!e tone that yo$ !ont a''ro(e"0
0No, its not that at a%%" Its .$st that, in #y e1'erience,
hea%ers or 'sychics !ont a%+ays $n!erstan! e1act%y +hat it
is they are !oin) or e(en ho+ they !o it" An! yet it !oes
so#eti#es +or*" So they ten! to #a*e $' stories or
theories abo$t it, abo$t +hat they !o" I !ont >$estion that
the ener)y is there, that this can so#eti#es +or* (ery +e%%"
I >$estion their stories, their theories" I !ont >$estion +hat
they !o, I >$estion +hat they say abo$t +hat they !o"
So#eti#es the stories are rea%%y &$nny, an! they are $s$a%%y
bo%stere! +ith so#e ha%&/ba*e! theories &ro# 'hysics" I
cant he%' b$t react to that st$&&"0
I ha!, %ate that a&ternoon, ste''e! in to +atch Chris
+or*" An! it +as as I sai!- I !i!nt !o$bt that so#ethin)
)en$ine +as )oin) on 2 she +as !e&inite%y #o(in) ener)y 2
b$t I be%ie(e! har!%y a +or! o& +hat she sai!" I ha! ne(er
hear! so #any ta%% ta%es in #y %i&e" She +as s'innin) the#
o$t +ith an ease that +o$%! sha#e the brothers 6ri##" B$t
that +as e1act%y her char#, that +as +hat I &o$n! so
en!earin) abo$t her" Li*e Treya, I &o$n! her enor#o$s%y
%i*ab%e" 3o$ .$st +ante! to han) o$t +ith her, )et ca$)ht $'
in her #a)ica% stories" That, I ca#e to see, +as e1act%y a
cr$cia% 'art o& +hate(er it +as she +as !oin)" B$t that
!i!nt #ean I ha! to be%ie(e her ta%es, not %itera%%y" 7%ato
sai! that at %east one/thir! o& +hat a )oo! !octor has to !o
is 'ro(i!e +hat he ca%%e! 0char#,0 an! by that criterion
a%one, Chris +as a &ab$%o$s !octor"
B$t Treya too* #y s*e'ticis# abo$t Chriss stories &or a
s*e'ticis# abo$t Chriss e&&icacy, an! she +ante! none o&
that" 0I .$st !ont nee! that no+,0 she *e't sayin)" What I
+as sti%% %earnin), an! sti%% %earnin) the har! +ay, +as .$st
ho+ to be a )oo! s$''ort 'erson" My %esson here- i& yo$ are
)en$ine%y s*e'tica% abo$t a 'artic$%ar treat#ent, (oice that
s*e'ticis# !$rin) the 'erio! that the 'erson is tryin) to
!eci!e +hether or not to !o the treat#ent" Thats bein)
honest an! he%'&$%" B$t i& the 'erson !eci!es to !o the
treat#ent, then she%(e yo$r s*e'ticis# an! )et behin!
the# :00Q" At that 'oint yo$r s*e'ticis# is cr$e% an! $n&air
an! $n!er#inin)"
An! any+ay, Chriss char# +as ha(in) a +on!er&$%
e&&ect on Treya" Its this 0char#0 that is so #issin) in +hite
#ans #e!icine, +here its e&&ects, i& any, are !is#isse! +ith
the !econta#inate! ter# 0'%acebo"0 B$t +o$%! yo$ rather
be c$re! by a 0rea%0 #e!icine or a 0char#e!0 #e!icine< Do
yo$ rea%%y care<
In the 'ast, +hi%e Treya ha! a%+ays !e'en!e! on #e to
*ee' $' a certain h$#or abo$t the sit$ation, she
so#eti#es &o$n! #y h$#or ina''ro'riate" B$t Chris #a!e
#e %oo* ane#ic by co#'arison" There +as nothin) she
+o$%!nt #a*e &$n o&, there +as nothin) sacre!, nothin)
o&&/%i#its, nothin) that co$%!nt be %a$)he! at" An! this, i&
anythin), +as +hat Treya an! I too* a+ay &ro# cra8y Chris
Habib- %i)hten $', *i!s" Its a%% a .o*e any+ay"
R$nnin) a%on) the beach, no+ in the !i##er t+i%i)ht
an! on #y ho#e stretch ret$rnin) to the #ote%, I
tho$)ht o& ho+ I +ant #yse%& to chan)e, to chan)e e(en
#ore" I +ant to ho%! thin)s #ore %i)ht%y, not see
e(erythin) as so (ery, (ery serio$s" I +ant to %a$)h #ore
an! '%ay #ore an! not thin* o& thin)s as a%+ays in crisis"
I +ant to ta*e the 'ress$re o&& o& #yse%&, an! o&& o&
others" To ho%! %i&e %i)ht%y, #y ne+ #otto"
=o$rth treat#ent" 0A %ot o& 'eo'%e !ont +ant to %earn
to hea% the#se%(es,0 she says" 0They +ant so#eone e%se
to !o it, to t$rn it o(er to so#eone e%se" So#eti#es I
ha(e to be a %o(e ob.ect to the# too" There +as one #an
I +or*e! +ith 2 the *in! o& han!so#e #an that e(eryone
&a%%s in %o(e +ith ri)ht a+ay 2 ran &i(e b$sinesses, ha! a
co$'%e o& Cor(ettes, ha! 'ai! &or se(enteen abortions
+ith se(enteen !i&&erent +o#en" He ca#e to #e at
thirty/t+o +ith cancer" He &e%% in %o(e +ith #e" He +o$%!
co#e bac* a%% the ti#e, an! a%+ays te%% #e he %o(e! #e"
3o$ !ont %o(e #e, I sai!, yo$ %o(e the ener)y" An! yo$
ha(e it in yo$rse%&, yo$ can hea% yo$rse%&" Why !ont yo$
)et yo$rse%& a crysta% an! I%% 'ro)ra# it &or yo$" Then
yo$ +ont ha(e to *ee' co#in) bac* a%% the ti#e" So he
)ot a crysta% an! &o$n! he co$%! $se it to han!%e the co%!
+hen so#ethin) ha''ene!" I sa+ hi# yester!ay &or the
&irst ti#e in ei)ht #onths" Whene(er he &ee%s so#ethin)
is )oin) +ron), he $ses the crysta%" He says he has on%y
&e%t a %itt%e bit o& co%! %ate%y, an! he &ee%s he can han!%e
it"0
;en ca#e in at that 'oint" Were !oin) #$ch better
a&ter +e ha! it o$t o(er his s*e'ticis#" Its his t$rn on
the tab%e" He rea%%y %i*es Chris, thin*s shes a *ic*" She
+or*s her han!s o(er his bo!y, says she !oesnt &ee% any
co%!ness any+here" Does he< No'e" Then she starts
+or*in) on his hea!" This is stran)e, she says" Each si!e
o& the brain has ten channe%s" In #ost 'eo'%e, on%y t+o
or three channe%s are o'en" =o$r at #ost" She says in
her brain both si!es are o'en to ten, b$t that +as on%y
a&ter #any )reat hea%ers ha! +or*e! on her" On%y once
e(ery t+o tho$san! years !oes that ha''en, she says,
!o both si!es o'en $' to ten" The %ast 'erson be&ore her
+as the B$!!ha" B$t she says ;en is o'en to ten on one
si!e an! to se(en on the other" Shes ne(er seen that
be&ore" Since his brain is a%rea!y so o'en, she says she
thin*s she can o'en the se(en si!e a%% the +ay to ten"
She +or*s on hi# &or abo$t thirty #in$tes, a%% the ti#e
as*in) hi# >$estions, 'artic$%ar%y i& he can s#e%%
anythin) stran)e" 0I s#e%% s#o*e"0 06oo!"0 0No+ it
s#e%%s %i*e #i%!e+"0 She &ina%%y says that both si!es o&
his brain are o'en to ten" There )oes that theory, she
says" On%y s$''ose! to be one 'erson %i*e this e(ery t+o
tho$san! years, an! there are t+o o& the# in this roo#9
;en starts %a$)hin) hysterica%%y 2 he !oesnt b$y any o&
this 2 an! I !ont *no+ +hether to be ha''y &or hi# or
an)ry at hi#9
Chris as*s #e i& I +ant to %earn ho+ to hea% #yse%&" I
say !e&inite%y" So she )i(es #e the e1ercise" ;en see#s
>$ite intereste! in this" 0I#a)ine yo$ are +ei)hin)
yo$rse%&, on%y yo$ are +ei)hin) yo$r etheric bo!y"
7ict$re yo$rse%& stan!in) on the sca%e an! the !ia% rea!s
&ro# : to :0" No+ this : to :0 sca%e is not the sa#e as
the ten channe%s in the brain" This is an entire%y !i&&erent
sca%e" See +here the nee!%e sto's"0 I (is$a%i8e this" =irst
there is a &%ash o& t+o, b$t that is #ore a tho$)ht, not a
'ict$re" I try to *ee' #y #in! on the 'ict$re, an! I see
the nee!%e +a(erin) bet+een H"K an! K" I te%% her this"
06oo!,0 she says" 0=i(e #eans yo$ are in ba%ance" Ta*e
the nee!%e an! #o(e it to+ar! &i(e an! ho%! it there
a+hi%e" No+, ta*e the nee!%e an! #o(e it to+ar! ten,
an! +atch +hat ha''ens in yo$r #in! as yo$ !o this"0 I
(is$a%i8e the #o(e#ent" In+ar!%y I &ee% resistance, I
ha(e to '$sh the nee!%e o(er" I te%% her this" 0An! +hat
!i! yo$ &ee% ha''enin) in yo$r #in!, !i! the ener)y
#o(e to one si!e<0 3es, it !i!" An! she te%%s #e no+ to
#o(e the ener)y to one an! +atch +hat ha''ens" My
attention then #o(es to the %e&t si!e o& #y hea!, o& #y
brain" 0What I +ant yo$ to !o &ro# no+ on is 'ractice
ho%!in) the nee!%e stea!y on &i(e" When yo$ can ho%! it
there &or thirty/&i(e #in$tes, yo$ are on trac*" I$st chec*
e(ery so o&ten an! see i& the nee!%e is on &i(e, i& it is not,
#o(e it there an! ho%! it there"0
D$rin) the rest o& the session I chec* e(ery no+ an!
then" The nee!%e stays &air%y stea!y at &i(e &or this ti#e,
+ith a s%i)ht ten!ency to #o(e !o+n to+ar! H"K" 6oo!,
she says" I cant &in! any #ore co%! in yo$r bo!y" The
(ir$s is )one, yo$%% be .$st &ine"
She char)es a bea$ti&$% crysta% an! )i(es it to #e" I& I
e(er &ee% any co%!ness in #y bo!y, '$t that crysta% on it
$nti% the co%! !isa''ears" An!, she says, %oo*in) at ;en,
he can no+ !o anythin) I can, so i& yo$ nee! hea%in) he
can !o it"
0Can yo$ !o it<0 she as*e!, as soon as +e ste''e! o$t o&
the Ho%istic Hea%th Center" 0An! +hy !i! yo$ start
%a$)hin)<0
0I co$%!nt he%' it, honey" I# no B$!!ha" 3o$ *no+ it, I
*no+ it" I +ish I co$%! #o(e ener)y %i*e she !oes, b$t I
cant"0
0Co$%! yo$ &ee% anythin) +hi%e she +as +or*in) on yo$<0
0I co$%! !e&inite%y &ee% the ener)y #o(in), b$t +hat +as
#ost bi8arre, I +as !e&inite%y s#e%%in) o!! s#e%%s +ay
be&ore she e(en as*e! #e abo$t it" As I to%! yo$, I thin*
so#ethin) act$a%%y !oes ha''en +ith )i&te! hea%ers" I .$st
!ont b$y their inter'retations"0
B$t the net e&&ect +as char#" Chris ha! !e&inite%y #o(e!
a %ot o& ener)y aro$n! in both o& $s" We both &e%t (ita%i8e!,
a%ert, ha''y" An! the constant strea# o& o$tra)eo$s ta%es
#a!e both Treya an! #e ho%! e(erythin) #ore %i)ht%y-
Aro$n! Chris, tr$th %ost a%% #eanin) 2 e(erythin) +as
e>$a%%y tr$e or e>$a%%y &a%se, e>$a%%y a ta%% ta%e, it !i!nt
#atter" E(erythin) starte! %oo*in) h$#oro$s" Treya bein)
sic*, #e bein) a B$!!ha 2 they +ere both a .o*e" An! that, I
thin*", +as the on%y 'oint Chris +ante! $s to )et"
5 What do you see65 The #oice is un%a#ering3
, decide not to fight it, since it ma!es no sense any%ay3 ,
start reading out loud %hat fe% %ords and symbols and
sentences , am understand, from the millions that seem to
open up in front of my eyes, me loo!ing at them, them
loo!ing at me3
5Thus %e cannot escape the fact that the %orld %e !no%
is constructed in order Aand thus in such a %ay as to he
ableB to see itself3 'ut in order to do so, e#idently it must
first cut itself up into at least one state %hich sees, and at
least one other state %hich is seen3 ,n this se#ered and
mutilated condition, %hate#er it sees is only partially itself
,n any attempt to see itself as an ob8ect, it must, e:ually
undoubtedly, act so as to ma!e itself distinct from, and
therefore false to, itself3 ,n this condition it %ill al%ays
partially elude itself35
5Keep reading,5 says the #oice, and , find another
paragraph floating by3
5)#erything that from eternity has happened in hea#en
and earth, the life of +od and all the deeds of time simply
are the struggles for Spirit to !no% itself, to find itself, be
for itself, end finally unite itself to itself1 it is alienated and
di#ided, but only so as to be able thus to find itself and
return to itself 5
5*gain35
5,t does not emphasi4e the ruling (aesar, or the ruthless
moralist, or the unmo#ed mo#er3 ,t d%ells upon the tender
elements in the %orld, %hich slo%ly and in :uietness
operate by lo#e; and it finds purpose in the present
immediacy of a !ingdom not of this %orld3 ,n this %ay, the
insistent cra#ing is 8ustified > the insistent cra#ing thai 4est
for e2istence be refreshed by the e#er<present, unfading
importance of our immediate actions, %hich perish and yet
li#e for e#ermore35
''Do you !no% %hat all that means65 the #oice from the
absence says3
On the %on) !ri(e bac* to the Bay Area, Treya rea! a%o$!
to #e sections o& The (auses and -re#ention of (ancer, by
the 'sychoana%yst =re!eric* Le(enson, +hich +as one o&
the &e+ boo*s that she &e%t !ea%t a!e>$ate%y +ith the
'sycho%o)ica% co#'onents o& cancer, at %east in her case"
She +as no+ +or*in) har! on that 'sycho)enic s%ice o& the
cancer/'ie, a s%ice +e both &i)$re! +as abo$t :0Q o& the
'ict$re" Not the +ho%e 'ict$re, b$t a cr$cia%%y i#'ortant
se)#ent"
0His theory is that 'eo'%e are #ore 'rone to cancer i&,
as a!$%ts, they ha(e a har! ti#e bon!in) +ith other
'eo'%e" Rather, they ten! to be hy'erin!i(i!$a%istic,
o(er%y se%&/containe!, ne(er as*in) &or he%', a%+ays
tryin) to !o it the#se%(es" Beca$se o& this, a%% the stress
that they acc$#$%ate cant be !ischar)e! easi%y by
bon!in) +ith others, or by as*in) others &or he%', or
a%%o+in) the#se%(es to !e'en! on anybo!y" This b$i%t/$'
stress th$s has no+here to )o, an! i& they are
)enetica%%y 'ri#e! &or cancer, this stress can tri))er it"0
0An! yo$ &ee% that a''%ies to yo$<0 I as*e!"
0De&inite%y" My &a(orite %ines, thro$)ho$t #y %i&e, ha(e
been thin)s %i*e, 0Oh, no than*s, I can han!%e it,0 0I can
!o it on #y o+n,0 0Oh, !ont bother, I can !o it0 Its
e1tre#e%y har! &or #e to as* &or he%'"0
0Maybe that +as 'art o& bein) the e%!est son, bein) the
to$)h )$y"0
0I thin* so" It e#barrasses #e to thin* o& ho+ o&ten
I(e sai! these thin)s" O(er an! o(er a)ain, thro$)ho$t
#y %i&e" I can !o it on #y o+n" I can han!%e it" No,
than*s, 0An! I *no+ +hats beneath it" =ear" =ear o&
bein) !e'en!ent" =ear o& bein) reb$&&e! i& I +ere to as*"
=ear o& bein) t$rne! !o+n i& I sho+e! #y nee!" =ear o&
bein) nee!y" I re#e#ber ho+ >$iet I +as as a chi%!, ho+
easy, ho+ $n!e#an!in), ho+ $nco#'%ainin)" I !i!nt as*
&or #$ch" I !i!nt te%% anybo!y abo$t #y 'rob%e#s in
schoo% I +ent to #y roo#, +here I rea! boo*s, a%one"
Aery >$iet, (ery se%&/containe!, ho%!in) #yse%& sti%%" Shy,
reser(e!, a&rai! o& criticis#, i#a)inin) ne)ati(e
.$!)#ents e(ery+here" E(en +hen I '%aye! +ith #y
brother an! sisters, I o&ten &e%t a%one"
0Heres Le(ensons 'oint,0 she contin$e!" 0I%% rea!
this- 0The 'recancero$s in!i(i!$a%, %ac*in) e#otiona%
entro'y, +i%% be $nab%e to &$se +ith anyone e%se as a
#eans o& !issi'atin) irritation" He +i%% #ost %i*e%y be ab%e
to e1'erience inti#acy on%y +hen he is carin) &or
so#eone e%se" This is sa&e" To be %o(e! an! care! &or,
ho+e(er, res$%ts in e#otiona% !isco#&ort, an $neasiness
that is easi%y !etecte!,
0Thats #e" 3o$re the &irst 'erson I(e rea%%y been
ab%e to &$se +ith" Re#e#ber that %ist I #a!e on +hat I
tho$)ht ca$se! #y cancer an! one o& the ite#s +as not
#eetin) ;en sooner< Loo*s %i*e Le(enson +o$%! a)ree
+ith that" He says that 0Do it yo$rse%& is a carcino)enic
conce't" We%%, I(e ha! it a%% #y %i&e, an! I !ont thin*
anybo!y )a(e it to #e, I thin* I ca#e born +ith it" It &ee%s
%i*e so#e !ee' *ar#ic tren! o& #ine" It +asnt .$st
+antin) to be the e%!est son" I(e ha! it &ore(er it see#s
%i*e"0
0Then !itch it, ri)ht< 3o$re Treya no+, not Terry" The
corner has a%rea!y been t$rne!, ri)ht< Its ob(io$s in
e(erythin) abo$t yo$" So %ets hear it &or &$sin), +hich
#eans #a.or c$!!%e ti#e &or #e, +hich I can !e&inite%y
han!%e"0
0I )$ess I# .$st *ic*in) #yse%& &or not startin) it
ear%ier"0
0No *ic*in) a%%o+e! in this here car"0
0O;" An! yo$< Whats yo$r #a.or iss$e< Mine is tryin)
to %et %o(e in, to not !o it #yse%& or contro% it #yse%&, to
co#e to ter#s +ith the &act that there are 'eo'%e o$t
there that lo#e #e" Whats yo$rs<0
0To co#e to ter#s +ith the &act that there are 'eo'%e
o$t there that !ont %o(e #e" I ten! to #a*e the o''osite
#ista*e" I thin* e(erybo!y sho$%! %o(e #e, an! +hen
so#eone !oesnt, I )et ner(o$s" So, as I chi%!, I
o(erco#'ensate! %i*e cra8y" C%ass 'resi!ent, (a%e!ictorian,
e(en ca'tain o& the &ootba%% tea#" A &rantic !ance &or
acce'tance, an atte#'t to ha(e e#erybody %o(e #e"
0Dn!erneath this +as the sa#e &ear as yo$rs 2 &ear o&
re.ection" B$t +here yo$ c%ose! !o+n an! beca#e too
inner/!irecte!, I o'ene! $' an! beca#e too other/!irecte!"
A%% o& it +as !ri(en by an1iety, by an atte#'t to '%ease an!
to 'er&or#" C%assic an1iety ne$rosis"0
0What yo$ ca%% =C 'atho%o)y"0
0=$%cr$# three 'atho%o)y, yes" I(e ha! that an1iety
#ost o& #y %i&e" Its +hat I(e been +or*in) on +ith Ro)er,
+ith =rances, +ith Sey#o$r" Its 'retty reca%citrant, or I
sho$%! say, I a#" B$t I !ont thin* thats #y #ain 'rob%e#" I
#ean, it is a 'rob%e#, I !e&inite%y ha(e it, b$t I(e a%+ays
ha! it an! I(e a%+ays han!%e! it" What I cant han!%e is not
bein) tr$e to #y !ae#on, #y o+n inner (oice" When I
aban!on that, I )et in rea% tro$b%e"0
0An! yo$ aban!on that +hen yo$ !ont +rite<0
0No, I aban!on that +hen I !ont +rite an! then b%a#e
the not/+ritin) on so#eone e%se" Thats the %ie" An! that
co#es &ro# yo$r so$%, not yo$r bo!y" =C an1iety is .$st
so#e %o+er bo!i%y ener)y, $s$a%%y a))ression, that yo$
+ont %et come up" 3o$r !ae#on is so#e hi)her 'sychic or
s$bt%e ener)y that yo$ +ont %et come do%n" An! its the
b%oc*in) o& that co#in)/!o+n ener)y that ca$ses the
an1iety that I cant han!%e, the an1iety that .$st +i'es #e
o$t" So i& I# bein) tr$e to #y !ae#on, I can han!%e =C
an1iety" B$t i& I# not, then I )et an =@ or =B 'atho%o)y, a
so$% 'atho%o)y, an! the t+o o& the# to)ether +i'e #e o$t"
Thats +hat ha''ene! in Tahoe" 6o!, I# rea%%y sorry I
b%a#e! yo$ &or a%% that shit"0
0Thats O;, s+eetheart, +e both ha(e a %ot to
&or)i(e"0
That +as the &irst ti#e I ha! a!#itte!, in a &ree an! o'en
+ay, that I ha! b%a#e! her &or so #$ch o& #y o+n +oes,
tho$)h +e both ha! *no+n it &or so#e ti#e" It +as )oo! to
c%ear the air on that !i&&ic$%t iss$e, es'ecia%%y since, on the
+ay !o+n to De% Mar, +e +ere not )ettin) a%on) +e%% at a%%"
E(er since +e ha! been seein) Sey#o$r, +e ha! (irt$a%%y
cease! &i)htin) 4+e both cre!ite! Sey#o$r +ith (ery
'robab%y sa(in) the #arria)e5" B$t, &$e%e! by #y
s*e'ticis# o(er her %atest treat#ent choice, +e +ere )oin)
at each other +ith an a))ressi(eness that on%y #arrie!
co$'%es can #$ster, an a))ressi(eness that neither o& $s
ha! !is'%aye! in so#e ti#e" At &irst +e both tho$)ht this
#eant the be)innin) o& a ne+ an! !i&&ic$%t ro$n! o& &i)htin)"
B$t it +as .$st the o''osite 2 it +as #arita% a))ressions %ast
#a.or stan!, a%tho$)h it +as a )oo! one" =ro# that 'oint
on, +e si#'%y cease! &i)htin), at %east to the 'oint o& &%yin)
a'art" 7erha's, &ro# Chris, +e )ot the .o*e"
Bac* in San =rancisco, +e hear! that the Aenerab%e ;a%$
Rin'oche +o$%! be )i(in) the ;a%acha*ra e#'o+er#ent in
Bo$%!er, Co%ora!o" Sa# +as )oin) to be there, an! he
enco$ra)e! $s to co#e" We a)ree!, an!, a &e+ #onths
%ater, &o$n! o$rse%(es in the a$!itori$# o& the Dni(ersity o&
Co%ora!o, a%on) +ith si1teen h$n!re! other 'eo'%e to
'artici'ate in this, the (ery hi)hest o& B$!!hist cere#onies,
stretchin) o(er &o$r !ays" An! a%tho$)h +e !i!nt *no+ it at
the ti#e, this cere#ony +o$%! #ar* the &ina% e#er)ence o&
0Treya,0 an e#er)ence that she +o$%! o&&icia%%y anno$nce a
#onth %ater on her &ortieth birth!ay" This +as a%to)ether
a''ro'riate since, a&ter ta*in) one %oo* at ;a%$, Treya an! I
*ne+ that +e ha! &o$n! o$r teacher"
No(e#ber 2K, :EBM
He%%o, &rien!s" No(e#ber :M +as #y &ortieth birth!ay
an! on that !ay I chan)e! #y na#e to Treya"
Hence&orth I +i%% no %on)er be *no+n as Terry ;i%%a# or
Terry ;i%%a#/Wi%ber b$t as Treya Wi%ber or Treya ;i%%a#
Wi%ber"
Se(en years a)o +hi%e I +as %i(in) at the =in!horn
Co##$nity in Scot%an! I ha! a !rea#, one o& those (ery
c%ear ones that so#eho+ &ee% si)ni&icant" I !rea#t that
#y na#e sho$%! be Estre%%a, +hich is S'anish &or 0star"0
When I +o*e an! tho$)ht abo$t it I &e%t the na#e sho$%!
be shortene! to Treya 4#ost 'eo'%e +o$%!nt *no+ that
0%%0 in S'anish is 'rono$nce! 0y0 any+ay5" B$t """ I ne(er
)ot aro$n! to it" I! a%+ays been s$s'icio$s o& 'eo'%e
+ho chan)e their na#es any+ay, an! .$!)#enta% o&
'eo'%e +ho choose na#es %i*e Dia#on! an! An)e%
Ecstasy" At that ti#e, I +o$%! ha(e been e#barrasse! to
chan)e #y na#e, #y o+n .$!)#ent b%oc*e! #e &ro#
0&o%%o+in) that !rea#"0
Or 'erha's it .$st +asnt ti#e yet" 7erha's I nee!e!
se(en years to )ro+ into that na#e" Witho$t a !o$bt,
these %ast years ha(e been the #ost !ra#atic an!
cha%%en)in) years o& #y %i&e" Es'ecia%%y the %ast three,
be)innin) +ith #eetin) ;en Wi%ber, #arryin) hi# &o$r
#onths %ater, an! ten !ays a&ter o$r +e!!in)
!isco(erin) I ha! breast cancer" S$r)ery an! ra!iation, a
rec$rrence ei)ht #onths %ater, #ore s$r)ery, si1 #onths
o& che#othera'y an! ba%!ness, ei)ht #onths %ater
!iabetes, an!, .$st this I$ne, another rec$rrence"
My reaction to the #ost recent rec$rrence s$r'rise!
#e" With the t+o 'rece!in) bo$ts +ith cancer, #y
're!o#inant res'onse +as &ear, b$t this ti#e I &e%t >$ite
ca%#" There +as so#e &ear, o& co$rse 2 a&ter a%% this ti#e
I a# certain%y not nai(e abo$t cancer 2 b$t the !e)ree o&
ca%#ness an! #atter/o&/&actness I &e%t sho+e! #e that
#y re%ationshi' to this !isease ha! chan)e! 'ro&o$n!%y"
I& I ha! not ha! the rec$rrence, I +o$%! ne(er ha(e &$%%y
reco)ni8e! this inner shi&t"
One e(enin) soon a&ter recei(in) the bio'sy res$%ts, I
+rote in #y .o$rna% abo$t this rec$rrence, %ettin)
tho$)hts s'i%% o$t abo$t +hat this #eant to #e an! ho+
it &e%t in a strea#/o&/conscio$sness +ay" Witho$t
rea%i8in) +here I +as hea!in), I &o$n! #yse%& +ritin)
abo$t the ne+ ba%ance I &e%t bet+een #y #asc$%ine an!
&e#inine si!es an! ho+ I &e%t I co$%! no+ sto' tryin) to
be #y &athers e%!est son" I &o$n! #yse%& sayin)
0Treya " " " #y na#e sho$%! be Treya no+" Terry is a
#asc$%ine, in!e'en!ent, no/nonsense *in! o& na#e, no
&ri%%s, (ery strai)ht&or+ar! 2 the +ay I(e a%+ays trie! to
be" Treya is so&ter, #ore &e#inine, *in!er, #ore s$bt%e,
+ith a bit o& #ystery to it 2 the 'erson I &ee% I#
beco#in)" More #yse%&"0
B$t I +a&&%e! abo$t the na#e" Ho+ si%%y, to chan)e
ones na#e9 3es, that +o$%! ha(e been Terrys attit$!e,
+hat nonsense" B$t Treya, Treya +o$%! $n!erstan!,
Treya +o$%! enco$ra)e an! s$''ort the chan)e" I ha!
t+o #ore !rea#s %ast s$##er, an! one +ith the
rec$rrence, each +ith the &%a(or o& 0Co#e on no+, sto'
#essin) aro$n!" Its ti#e to chan)e yo$r na#e" 3o$r
na#e is Treya"0
Then %ast #onth ;en an! I !i! a &o$r/!ay ;a%acha*ra
e#'o+er#ent +ith ;a%$ Rin'oche" On Sat$r!ay ni)ht
e(eryone is s$''ose! to s%ee' on 'ieces o& *$shi )rass
4B$!!ha +as seate! on a #at o& this )rass +hen he
reache! en%i)hten#ent5 an! re#e#ber their !rea#s,
these !rea#s are tho$)ht to be 'artic$%ar%y i#'ortant
an! a$s'icio$s" That ni)ht I !rea#t that ;en an! I +ere
%oo*in) &or a '%ace to %i(e 2 the sense +as that this +as
abo$t 0co#in) ho#e"0 At a ho$se by the ocean I sa+ a
bi) b%ac* &o$ntain 'en %yin) on the )ro$n! an! 'ic*e! it
$'" I +ante! to see ho+ it &e%t to +rite +ith it, so I too*
the to' o&& an! +rote, as c%ear as !ay, 0Treya"0
An! so, I !eci!e! to chan)e #y na#e on #y &ortieth
birth!ay, not on%y that, #y &ortieth birth!ay +as a &$%%
#oon" Aery 6o!!ess/%i*e9
Other +ays I(e chan)e!, besi!es #y na#e< I#
!oin) so#ethin) I rea%%y %o(e to !o, &$se!/)%ass art +or*,
so#ethin) I cant +ait to )et bac* to, so#ethin) I !rea#
abo$t" So#ethin) tota%%y ne+, that !oesnt co#e &ro#
#y 'ast, &ro# anythin) anybo!y enco$ra)e! #e to !o" A
rea% brea* +ith the 'ast" An! yet so#ethin) I(e a%+ays
been intri)$e! by, intereste! in, so#ethin) that +as
so#eho+ innate%y there, insi!e #e, a%% a%on) on%y I ne(er
sa+ it thro$)h the &i%ters I +as +earin) then"
I# %ess critica% o& others" I !ont ho%! the# to the
stan!ar!s o& con(entiona% or 0!oin)0 s$ccess" I ha(e a
)oo! &rien! +ho is a +ea(er, her h$sban! is a 'o%itica%
acti(ist" I no %on)er thin* her +or* is $ni#'ortant
co#'are! to his" I# not on%y #ore to%erant o& b$t
)en$ine%y intereste! in the (ario$s +ays 'eo'%e choose
to sha'e their %i(es, an! a >$ic* .$!)#ent isnt +aitin) in
the +in)s, rea!y to 'o' on sta)e at any ti#e" I see a%% o&
%i&e as #ore o& a )a#e, not >$ite so tota%%y %oa!e! +ith
i#'ortance" Its #ore &$n, easier" I ho%! %i&e #ore %i)ht%y"
My o+n schoo%#ar#ish attit$!e, the ten!ency to
'roo&rea! others %i(es, is %essenin)" I !ont ha(e to ha(e
it #y +ay so #$ch, contro% so #$ch, an! I ass$#e %ess
an! %ess that there is a 0correct0 or acc$rate )ra##ar
&or 'eo'%es %i(es" I a# there&ore %ess >$ic* to an)er, to
react" I try to si#'%y +itness, +itho$t .$!)#ent, #yse%&
an! others"
I tr$st #yse%& #ore" I# *in!er to #yse%&" I be%ie(e
there is a +is!o# )$i!in) #y %i&e an! that #y %i&e
!oesnt ha(e to %oo* %i*e anyone e%ses to &ee% )oo! an!
&$%&i%%in) an!, yes, e(en s$ccess&$%"
An! it !oes &ee% a#a8in) that a%% these chan)es are
co#in) to)ether, sno+ba%%in), )ainin) #o#ent$#,
beco#in) rea%%y inte)rate! on this, #y birth!ay, in so
#any +ays" I a#, in so#e sense, bein) reborn" She!!in)
#y 'ast an! #o(in) into a &$t$re that is rea%%y #ine, not
shac*%e! an! con!itione! so hea(i%y by #y 'ast, rather
)$i!e! an! stren)thene! by #y 'ast b$t +ith a !irection
that is tr$%y #y o+n"
So, +ith con)rat$%ations to a%% o& yo$ +ho ha(e a%so
chan)e! yo$r na#es, #y na#e is no+ Treya ;i%%a#
Wi%ber"
Lo(e,
Treya
1#
*hat 9ind o% 1e&, Rea&&y 1e&,s4
;ALD RIN7OCHE +as an a%to)ether e1traor!inary
teacher, )enera%%y tho$)ht to be one o& Tibets (ery
)reatest #o!ern #asters" As a yo$n) #an, ;a%$ !eci!e! to
'$rs$e +ho%ehearte!%y the 'ath o& en%i)hten#ent, an! so
he aban!one! or!inary %i&e an! be)an #e!itatin), a%one, in
(ario$s ca(es thro$)ho$t #o$ntaino$s Tibet" He s'ent an
incre!ib%e thirteen years in so%itary #e!itation" Wor! o& an
e1traor!inary saint be)an to circ$%ate thro$)ho$t Tibet,
'io$s %ay'eo'%e bro$)ht hi# &oo!, an! set it o$tsi!e o&
+hate(er ca(e he +as #e!itatin) in at the ti#e" =ina%%y the
;ar#a'a, +ho #i)ht be tho$)ht o& as the 07o'e0 o& ;a%$s
tra!ition, so$)ht hi# o$t, teste! his rea%i8ation, an!
anno$nce! that ;a%$s #e!itati(e attain#ent +as e>$a% to
that o& Mi%are'a, Tibets )reatest yo)i an! sa)e" He char)e!
;a%$ +ith ta*in) the B$!!ha!har#a to the West, an! ;a%$
re%$ctant%y )a(e $' his so%itary %i&e an! be)an estab%ishin)
#e!itation centers in the West" By the ti#e he !ie!, in
:EBE, he ha! &o$n!e! o(er three h$n!re! #e!itation
centers thro$)ho$t the +or%!, an! ha! sin)%e/han!e!%y
initiate! #ore Westerners into the Dhar#a than any #an in
history"
D$rin) the ;a%acha*ra e#'o+er#ent, on the sa#e ni)ht
that Treya ha! her 0Treya0 !rea#, I !rea#t ;a%$ ha! )i(en
#e a #a)ica% boo*, a boo* that so#eho+ containe! a%% the
secrets o& the $ni(erse" Short%y a&ter the ;a%acha*ra, Treya
an! I +ent to a ten/!ay Trans#ission o& Wis!o# retreat
)i(en by ;a%$ at Bi) Bear, ri)ht o$tsi!e o& Los An)e%es"
As I(e sai!, I !o not thin* that B$!!his# is the best +ay
or the on%y +ay" An! I +o$%! not es'ecia%%y ca%% #yse%& a
B$!!hist, I ha(e too #any a&&inities +ith Ae!anta Hin!$is#
an! Christian #ysticis#, a#on) #any others" B$t one has
to choose a 'artic$%ar 'ath i& one is to act$a%%y practice, an!
#y 'ath has been B$!!hist" So I ha(e en!e! $' +ith
Chestertons >$i'- 0A%% re%i)ions are the sa#e, es'ecia%%y
B$!!his#"0
Where I !o thin* B$!!his# e1ce%s is in its co#'%eteness"
It has s'eci&ic 'ractices that a!!ress a%% o& the hi)her sta)es
o& !e(e%o'#ent 2 'sychic, s$bt%e, ca$sa%, an! $%ti#ate" An!
it has a )ra!e! syste# o& 'ractice that %ea!s yo$, ste' by
!e(e%o'#enta% ste', thro$)h each o& these sta)es, %i#ite!
on%y by yo$r o+n ca'acity &or )ro+th an! transcen!ence"
The Trans#ission o& Wis!o# retreat +as an intro!$ction
to a%% o& these 'ractices an! sta)es" This retreat +as
'artic$%ar%y i#'ortant &or Treya, beca$se it #ar*e! a #a.or
chan)e in the ty'e o& #e!itation 'ractice she +o$%!
hence&orth !o"
Tibetan B$!!his# !i(i!es the o(era%% s'irit$a% 'ath into
three broa! sta)es 4each +ith se(era% s$bsta)es5- the
Hinayana, the Mahayana, an! the Aa.rayana"
The Hinayana is the &o$n!ation 'ractice, the basic an!
core 'ractice &o$n! in a%% schoo%s o& B$!!his#" Centra% to
this sta)e is the 'ractice o& (i'assana, or insi)ht #e!itation,
the ty'e o& #e!itation that Treya ha! been 'racticin) &or
a%#ost ten years" In (i'assana, one si#'%y sits in a
co#&ortab%e 'osition 4%ot$s or ha%&/%ot$s i& 'ossib%e, cross/
%e))e! i& not5, an! one )i(es 0bare attention0 to +hate(er is
arisin), e1terna%%y an! interna%%y, +itho$t .$!)in) it,
con!e#nin) it, &o%%o+in) a&ter it, a(oi!in) it, or !esirin) it"
One si#'%y %itnesses it, i#'artia%%y, an! then %ets it )o" The
ai# o& this 'ractice is to see that the se'arate e)o is not a
rea% an! s$bstantia% entity, b$t .$st a series o& &%eetin) an!
i#'er#anent sensations %i*e anythin) e%se" When one
rea%i8es .$st ho+ 0e#'ty0 the e)o is, one ceases i!enti&yin)
+ith it, !e&en!in) it, +orryin) abo$t it, an! this in t$rn
re%eases one &ro# the chronic s$&&erin) an! $nha''iness
that co#es &ro# !e&en!in) so#ethin) that isnt there" As
Wei W$ Wei '$t it-
Wh y are yo$ $nha''y<
Beca$se EE"EQ o& e(erythin) yo$ thin*,
An! e(erythin) yo$ !o,
Is &or yo$r se%&,
An! there isnt one"
The &irst se(era% !ays o& the Trans#ission o& Wis!o#
retreat +ere !e(ote! to this &$n!a#enta% 'ractice"
E(erybo!y there, o& co$rse, ha! a%rea!y 'ractice! it
e1tensi(e%y, b$t ;a%$ )a(e his o+n e1tra instr$ctions"
As 'ro&o$n! as this 'ractice is, it is sti%% not co#'%ete,
beca$se there is sti%% a s$bt%e !$a%is# containe! in '$re
+itnessin) a+areness itse%&" There are #any technica% +ays
to e1'%ain this, b$t the si#'%est is- the Hinayana %e(e% ai#s
at en%i)hten#ent &or onese%& b$t ne)%ects the
en%i)hten#ent o& others" An! !oesnt that sho+ that there
is so#e trace o& e)o %e&t, )ettin) yo$rs an! ne)%ectin)
others<
An! so +here the Hinayana teachin)s stress in!i(i!$a%
en%i)hten#ent, the Mahayana teachin)s )o one ste' &$rther
an! a%so stress the en%i)hten#ent o& a%% bein)s" It is th$s
the 'ath, &irst an! &ore#ost, o& co#'assion, an! this is
#eant not .$st in a theoretica% sense, there are act$a%
'ractices &or !e(e%o'in) co#'assion in yo$r o+n #in! an!
heart"
=ore#ost a#on) these 'ractices is the one *no+n as
tonglen, +hich #eans 0ta*in) an! sen!in)"0 A&ter one has
!e(e%o'e! a stron) &o$n!ation 'ractice in (i'assana, one
#o(es on to the 'ractice o& ton)%en" This 'ractice is so
'o+er&$% an! so trans&or#ati(e it +as *e't %ar)e%y secret
$nti% .$st recent%y in Tibet" An! it +as this 'ractice that
Treya too* to heart" The 'ractice is as &o%%o+s-
In #e!itation, 'ict$re or (is$a%i8e so#eone yo$ *no+
an! %o(e +ho is )oin) thro$)h #$ch s$&&erin) 2 an i%%ness, a
%oss, !e'ression, 'ain, an1iety, &ear" As yo$ breathe in,
i#a)ine a%% o& that 'ersons s$&&erin) 2 in the &or# o& !ar*,
b%ac*, s#o*e%i*e, tar%i*e, thic*, an! hea(y c%o$!s 2 enterin)
yo$r nostri%s an! tra(e%in) !o+n into yo$r heart" Ho%! that
s$&&erin) in yo$r heart" Then, on the o$tbreath, ta*e a%% o&
yo$r 'eace, &ree!o#, hea%th, )oo!ness, an! (irt$e, an!
sen! it o$t to the 'erson in the &or# o& hea%in), %iberatin)
%i)ht" I#a)ine they ta*e it a%% in, an! &ee% co#'%ete%y &ree,
re%ease!, an! ha''y" Do that &or se(era% breaths" Then
i#a)ine the to+n that 'erson is in, an!, on the inbreath,
ta*e in a%% o& the s$&&erin) o& that to+n, an! sen! bac* a%% o&
yo$r hea%th an! ha''iness to e(eryone in it" Then !o that
&or the entire state, then the entire co$ntry, the entire
'%anet, the $ni(erse" 3o$ are ta*in) in a%% the s$&&erin) o&
bein)s e(ery+here an! sen!in) the# bac* hea%th an!
ha''iness an! (irt$e"
When 'eo'%e are &irst intro!$ce! to this 'ractice, their
reactions are $s$a%%y stron), (iscera%, an! ne)ati(e" Mine
+ere" Ta*e that b%ac* tar into #e< Are yo$ *i!!in)< What i&
I act$a%%y )et sic*< This is insane, !an)ero$s9 When ;a%$
&irst )a(e $s these ton)%en instr$ctions, the 'ractice o&
+hich occ$'ie! the #i!!%e 'ortion o& the retreat, a +o#an
stoo! $' in the a$!ience o& abo$t one h$n!re! 'eo'%e an!
sai! +hat (irt$a%%y e(erybo!y there +as thin*in)-
0B$t +hat i& I a# !oin) this +ith so#eone +ho is rea%%y
sic*, an! I start to )et that sic*ness #yse%&<0
Witho$t hesitatin) ;a%$ sai!, 03o$ sho$%! thin*, Oh )oo!9
Its +or*in)90
That +as the entire 'oint" It ca$)ht a%% o& $s 0se%&%ess
B$!!hists0 +ith o$r e)os han)in) o$t" We +o$%! 'ractice to
)et o$r o+n en%i)hten#ent, to re!$ce o$r o+n s$&&erin),
b$t ta*e on the s$&&erin) o& others, e(en in i#a)ination< No
+ay"
Ton)%en is !esi)ne! e1act%y to c$t that e)oic se%&/
concern, se%&/'ro#otion, an! se%&/!e&ense" It e1chan)es se%&
&or other, an! th$s it 'ro&o$n!%y $n!erc$ts the
s$b.ect?ob.ect !$a%is#" It as*s $s to $n!er#ine the
se%&?other !$a%is# at e1act%y the 'oint +e are #ost a&rai!-
)ettin) h$rt o$rse%(es" Not .$st ta%*in) abo$t ha(in)
co#'assion &or others s$&&erin), b$t bein) +i%%in) to ta*e it
into o$r o+n heart an! re%ease the# in e1chan)e" This is
tr$e co#'assion, the 'ath o& the Mahayana" In a sense it is
the B$!!hist e>$i(a%ent o& +hat Christ !i!- be +i%%in) to
ta*e on the sins o& the +or%!, an! th$s trans&or# the# 4an!
yo$5"
The 'oint is &air%y si#'%e- =or the tr$e Se%&, or the one
Se%&, se%& an! other can be easi%y e1chan)e!, since both are
e>$a%, it #a*es no !i&&erence to the on%y Se%&" Con(erse%y, i&
+e cannot e1chan)e se%& &or other, then +e are %oc*e! o$t
o& one/Se%& a+areness, %oc*e! o$t o& '$re non/!$a%
a+areness" O$r $n+i%%in)ness to ta*e on the s$&&erin) o&
others %oc*s $s into o$r o+n s$&&erin), +ith no esca'e,
beca$se it %oc*s $s into o$r se%&, 'erio!" As Wi%%ia# B%a*e
'$t it, 0Lest the Last I$!)#ent co#e an! &in! #e
$nannihi%ate, an! I be sei8e! an! )i(en $nto the han!s o&
#y o+n se%&hoo!"0
A stran)e thin) be)ins to ha''en +hen one 'ractices
ton)%en &or any %en)th o& ti#e" =irst o& a%%, nobo!y act$a%%y
)ets sic*" I *no+ o& no bona &i!e cases o& anyone )ettin) i%%
beca$se o& ton)%en, a%tho$)h a %ot o& $s ha(e $se! that &ear
as an e1c$se not to 'ractice it" Rather, yo$ &in! that yo$
sto' recoi%in) in the &ace o& s$&&erin), both yo$rs an!
others" 3o$ sto' r$nnin) &ro# 'ain, an! instea! &in! that
yo$ can be)in to trans&or# it by si#'%y bein) +i%%in) to ta*e
it into yo$rse%& an! then re%ease it" The rea% chan)es start to
ha''en in you, by the si#'%e +i%%in)ness to )et yo$r e)o/
'rotectin) ten!encies o$t o& the +ay" 3o$ be)in to re%a1 the
se%&?other tension, rea%i8in) that there is on%y one Se%&
&ee%in) a%% 'ain or en.oyin) a%% s$ccess" Why )et en(io$s o&
others, +hen there is on%y one Se%& en.oyin) the s$ccess<
This is +hy the 0'ositi(e0 si!e o& ton)%en is e1'resse! in the
sayin)- I re.oice in the #erit o& others" Its the sa#e as
#ine, in non!$a% a+areness" A )reat 0e>$a%ity
conscio$sness0 !e(e%o's, +hich $n!erc$ts 'ri!e an!
arro)ance on the one han!, an! &ear an! en(y on the other"
When the Mahayana 'ath o& co#'assion is estab%ishe!,
+hen the e1chan)eabi%ity o& se%& an! other is rea%i8e!, at
%east to so#e !e)ree, then one is rea!y &or the Aa.rayana
'ath" The Aa.rayana is base! on one $nco#'ro#isin)
'rinci'%e- There is on%y S'irit" As one contin$es to $n!erc$t
the s$b.ect?ob.ect !$a%ity in a%% its &or#s, it increasin)%y
beco#es ob(io$s that a%% thin)s, hi)h or %o+, sacre! or
'ro&ane, are &$%%y an! e>$a%%y 'er&ect #ani&estations or
orna#ents o& S'irit, o& B$!!ha#in!" The entire #ani&est
$ni(erse is reco)ni8e! as a '%ay o& ones o+n a+areness,
e#'ty, %$#ino$s, c%ear, ra!iant, $nobstr$cte!,
s'ontaneo$s" One %earns not so #$ch to see* a+areness as
to !e%i)ht in it, '%ay +ith it, since there is only a+areness"
Aa.rayana is the 'ath o& '%ayin) +ith a+areness, +ith
ener)y, +ith %$#inosity, re&%ectin) the 'erennia% +is!o#
that the $ni(erse is a '%ay o& the Di(ine, an! yo$ 4an! a%%
sentient bein)s as s$ch5 are the Di(ine"
The Aa.rayana 'ath there&ore has three #ain !i(isions"
In the &irst 4the o$ter tantras5 yo$ (is$a%i8e Deity in &ront o&
yo$ or on to' o& yo$r hea!, an! yo$ i#a)ine hea%in) ener)y
an! %i)ht rainin) !o+n an! into yo$, con&errin) b%essin)s
an! +is!o#" This is, o& co$rse, the 'sychic %e(e%, %e(e%
se(en, +here one &irst estab%ishes a co##$nion +ith Deity"
In the secon! !i(ision 4the %o+er inner tantras5, yo$
(is$a%i8e yo$rse%& as the Deity an! yo$ re'eat certain
sy%%ab%es or #antras that re'resent !i(ine s'eech" This is
the s$bt%e %e(e%, %e(e% ei)ht, the %e(e% o& estab%ishin) $nion
+ith Di(inity" An! then &ina%%y, in the thir! !i(ision 4the
hi)her inner tantras, mahamudra an! maha<ati5, one
!isso%(es both se%& an! Deity in '$re $n#ani&est e#'tiness,
the ca$sa% %e(e% o& the s$'re#e i!entity" At this 'oint, the
'ractice no %on)er in(o%(es (is$a%i8ation or #antra
recitation or concentration, b$t rather the rea%i8ation that
yo$r o+n a+areness, .$st as it is, is a%+ays a%rea!y
en%i)htene!" Since a%% thin)s are already S'irit, there is no
+ay to reach S'irit" There is only S'irit in a%% !irections, an!
so one si#'%y rests in the s'ontaneo$s nat$re o& the #in!
itse%&, e&&ort%ess%y e#bracin) a%% that arises as orna#ents o&
yo$r o+n 'ri#or!ia% e1'erience" The $n#ani&est an! the
#ani&est, or e#'tiness an! &or#, $nite in the '$re non!$a%
'%ay o& yo$r o+n a+areness 2 )enera%%y re)ar!e! as the
$%ti#ate state that is no state in 'artic$%ar"
Trans%atin) &or ;a%$ Rin'oche at the retreat 4an! at the
;a%acha*ra e#'o+er#ent5 +as ;en McLeo!, a bri%%iant
senior st$!ent o& ;a%$s, +ith +ho# Treya an! I beca#e
&rien!s" ;en, inci!enta%%y, trans%ate! a *ey Tibetan te1t on
the 'ractice o& ton)%en 2 The +reat -ath of *%a!ening
4Sha#bha%a5 2 that I hi)h%y reco##en! i& yo$ are intereste!
in this 'ractice"
Treya, then, $n!er ;a%$s )$i!ance, an! +ith ;ens he%',
e1'an!e! her 'ractice to inc%$!e not .$st (i'assana, b$t
a%so ton)%en an! Deity yo)a 4(is$a%i8in) herse%& as Chenre8i,
the B$!!ha o& co#'assion5" I !i! the sa#e" She be)an her
ton)%en 'ractice by ta*in) in #y 'ain an! s$&&erin) &ro# the
year in Tahoe, I !i! the sa#e +ith her" Then +e e1'an!e!
that to e(ent$a%%y inc%$!e a%% sentient bein)s" It +as this
'ath, #ore than any other, that Treya an! I +o$%! 'ractice
in the co#in) years"
An! it +as this ton)%en 'ractice, #ore than any other,
that so !ee'ene! Treyas co#'assion &or a%% those s$&&erin)"
She ta%*e! o& the !ee' connection she &e%t +ith a%% bein)s,
si#'%y beca$se a%% bein)s s$&&er" An! !oin) ton)%en a%%o+e!
her, in a s'ecia% sense, to re!ee# her o+n s$&&erin), her
o+n or!ea% +ith cancer" Once yo$ are 'ro&icient in ton)%en,
yo$ &in! that e(ery ti#e yo$ ha(e 'ain or an1iety or
!e'ression, on the inbreath yo$ a%#ost s'ontaneo$s%y
thin*, 0May I ta*e a%% s$ch s$&&erin) into #e,0 an! on the
o$tbreath yo$ re%ease it" The e&&ect o& this is that yo$
be&rien! yo$r o+n s$&&erin), yo$ ste' into it" 3o$ !ont
recoi% in the &ace o& s$&&erin), b$t rather $se it as a +ay to
connect +ith a%% bein)s +ho are s$&&erin)" 3o$ e#brace it
an! then trans&or# it by )i(in) it a $ni(ersa% conte1t" Its no
%on)er .$st yo$ an! yo$r iso%ate! 'ain, b$t rather a chance
to estab%ish a connection +ith a%% others +ho are h$rtin), a
chance to rea%i8e that 0inas#$ch as yo$ !o this to the %east
o& #y brethren, yo$ !o this to #e"0 In the si#'%e 'ractice o&
ton)%en, o& co#'assionate e1chan)e, Treya &o$n! #$ch o&
her o+n s$&&erin) re!ee#e!, )i(en #eanin), )i(en conte1t,
)i(en connection, it too* her o$t o& her 0o+n0 iso%ate! +oes
an! into the te1t$re o& h$#anity on the +ho%e, +here she
+as not a%one"
An! #ost i#'ortant it he%'e! her 4an! #e5 sto' .$!)in)
i%%ness or s$&&erin), +hether o$rs or others" With ton)%en,
yo$ !ont !istance yo$rse%& &ro# s$&&erin) 4yo$rs or others5,
yo$ re%ate to it in a si#'%e an! !irect an! co#'assionate
+ay" 3o$ !ont stan! bac* &ro# it an! +ea(e 'et theories
abo$t +hat ca$se! it or +hy the 'erson 0bro$)ht it on
the#se%(es0 or +hat it rea%%y 0#eans"0 That is not a he%'&$%
+ay to re%ate to a 'ersons s$&&erin), that is a +ay to
!istance yo$rse%& &ro# the#" No #atter ho+ 0he%'&$%0 yo$
#i)ht thin* yo$r theori8in) is, it is $%ti#ate%y .$st a +ay to
say, 0Dont to$ch #e"0
It +as !irect%y &ro# this 'ractice o& ton)%en, this 'ractice
o& re%atin) to s$&&erin) +ith co#'assion, as ta$)ht to $s by
;a%$, that Treya +rote 0What ;in! o& He%' Rea%%y He%'s<0 It
+as '$b%ishe! by the 0ournal of Transpersonal -sychology
an! then 'ic*e! $' by /e% *ge #a)a8ine, +here it )ot one
o& the %ar)est rea!er res'onses in the #a)a8ines history"
An! it +as this 'iece that bro$)ht her to the attention o& the
.prah Winfrey Sho%" 4Treya 'o%ite%y !ec%ine! 2 0They .$st
+ant #e to ar)$e +ith Bernie FSie)e%G"05 The e!itors o& /e%
*ge ca%%e! it a 0#ore co#'assionate (ie+ o& i%%ness,0 #ore
co#'assionate, that is, than the 're(a%ent ne+ a)e notion
that yo$ ca$se yo$r o+n i%%ness" Here are so#e hi)h%i)hts-
WHAT KIND OF HELP REALLY HELPS?
=i(e years a)o I +as sittin) at #y *itchen tab%e
ha(in) tea +ith an o%! &rien!, +ho to%! #e that so#e
#onths ear%ier he %earne! he ha! thyroi! cancer" I to%!
hi# abo$t #y #other, +ho ha! s$r)ery &or co%on cancer
&i&teen years a)o an! has been &ine e(er since" I then
!escribe! the (ario$s theories #y sisters an! I ca#e $'
+ith to e1'%ain +hy she ha! )otten cancer" We ha! a
n$#ber o& the#, 'robab%y o$r &a(orite +as that she ha!
been too #$ch #y &athers +i&e an! not eno$)h herse%&"
We s'ec$%ate! that i& she ha! not #arrie! a catt%e#an
she #i)ht ha(e beco#e a (e)etarian an! a(oi!e! the
&ats i#'%icate! in ca$sin) co%on cancer" O$r other 'et
theory +as that her si!e o& the &a#i%ys ac*no+%e!)e!
!i&&ic$%ty e1'ressin) e#otions #ay ha(e contrib$te! to
her )ettin) cancer" O(er the years +e ha! beco#e >$ite
co#&ortab%e +ith o$r theories an! stories abo$t this
tra$#atic e(ent" My &rien!, +ho ob(io$s%y ha! tho$)ht
!ee'%y abo$t cancer, then sai! so#ethin) that shoo* #e
!ee'%y"
0Dont yo$ see +hat yo$re !oin)<0 he as*e!" 03o$re
treatin) yo$r #other %i*e an ob.ect, s'innin) theories
abo$t her" Other 'eo'%es theories abo$t yo$ can &ee%
%i*e a (io%ation" I *no+, beca$se in #y case the i!eas #y
&rien!s ha(e co#e $' +ith abo$t #y ha(in) cancer ha(e
&e%t %i*e an i#'osition an! a b$r!en" It !oesnt &ee% %i*e
theyre co#in) 'ri#ari%y &ro# concern &or #e, an! they
certain%y !i! not honor #e at a !i&&ic$%t ti#e" I &e%t their
theories as so#ethin) !one to #e, not so#ethin) !one
to help #e" The tho$)ht o& #y ha(in) cancer #$st ha(e
&ri)htene! the# so #$ch they nee!e! to &in! a reason,
an e1'%anation, a #eanin) &or it" The theories +ere to
he%' the#, not to he%' #e, an! they ca$se! #e a %ot o&
'ain"0
I +as shoc*e!" I ha! ne(er %oo*e! at +hat +as behin!
#y theori8in), ne(er s'ec$%ate! abo$t +hat #y theories
#i)ht &ee% %i*e to #y #other" E(en tho$)h none o& $s
e(er to%! her abo$t o$r i!eas I# >$ite certain she &e%t it
in the air" That *in! o& c%i#ate +o$%!nt enco$ra)e tr$st
or o'enness or as*in) &or he%', I rea%i8e!" I s$!!en%y sa+
that I ha! #a!e #yse%& %ar)e%y $na(ai%ab%e to #y #other
!$rin) the )reatest crisis o& her %i&e"
That inci!ent +ith #y &rien! o'ene! a !oor" It +as the
be)innin) o& a shi&t to+ar! #y beco#in) #ore
co#'assionate to+ar! 'eo'%e +ho are sic*, #ore
res'ect&$% o& their inte)rity, #ore *in!%y in #y a''roach
2 an! #ore h$#b%e abo$t #y o+n i!eas" I be)an to see
the .$!)#ent on%y 'art%y hi!!en behin! #y theori8in)
an! to reco)ni8e the $nac*no+%e!)e! &ear that %ay
!ee'er sti%%" The i#'%icit #essa)e behin! s$ch theories
be)an to e#er)e" Instea! o& sayin), 0I care abo$t yo$,
+hat can I !o to he%'<,0 I +as act$a%%y sayin), 0What !i!
yo$ !o +ron)< Where !i! yo$ #a*e yo$r #ista*e< Ho+
!i! yo$ &ai%<0 An!, not inci!enta%%y, 0Ho+ can I 'rotect
#yse%&<0
I sa+ &ear 2 $nac*no+%e!)e!, hi!!en &ear 2 as +hat
#oti(ate! #e, +hat co#'e%%e! #e to co#e $' +ith
stories that to%! #e the $ni(erse #a!e this *in! o&
sense, that it +as or!ere! in a +ay I co$%! contro%" " " "
O(er the years I(e ta%*e! to a %ot o& 'eo'%e +ho ha(e
cancer, #any +ho ha(e recent%y been !ia)nose!" At &irst
I +asnt s$re +hat to say" It +as easiest to ta%* abo$t #y
o+n e1'eriences as a cancer 'atient, b$t I soon sa+ that
o&ten that +as not +hat a 'artic$%ar 'erson nee!e! to
hear" The on%y +ay I co$%! !isco(er ho+ to he%' so#eone
+as by %istenin)" On%y +hen I hear! +hat they +ere
tryin) to say co$%! I )et a sense o& +hat they nee!e!, o&
the iss$es they +ere con&rontin) at that ti#e, o& the *in!
o& he%' that +o$%! rea%%y he%' at that s'eci&ic #o#ent"
Since 'eo'%e )o thro$)h #any !i&&erent 'hases !$rin)
the co$rse o& an i%%ness that can be as 'ersistent an!
$n're!ictab%e as cancer, %earnin) to %isten to +hat they
nee! is es'ecia%%y i#'ortant"
At ti#es, es'ecia%%y +hen !ecisions abo$t treat#ent
o'tions %oo# ahea! o& the#, 'eo'%e +ant in&or#ation"
They #ay +ant #e to te%% the# abo$t a%ternati(es or
he%' the# research con(entiona% thera'ies" Once they(e
chosen their treat#ent '%an, ho+e(er, they $s$a%%y !ont
nee! #ore in&or#ation, e(en tho$)h it #ay be the
easiest an! %east threatenin) thin) &or #e to )i(e" No+
they nee! s$''ort" They !ont nee! to hear abo$t the
!an)ers o& the ra!iation or che#othera'y or Me1ican
c%inic they(e chosen, a choice $s$a%%y #a!e +ith )reat
!i&&ic$%ty a&ter %on) !e%iberation" My co#in) to the# at
this 'oint +ith ne+ s$))estions abo$t hea%ers or
techni>$es or thera'ies #i)ht on%y thro+ the# bac* into
con&$sion, #i)ht #a*e the# &ee% I !o$bt the 'ath
they(e chosen an! th$s &$e% their o+n !o$bts" " " "
The !ecisions I #a!e Fabo$t #y o+n cancer
treat#entsG +ere not easy, I *no+ that the !ecisions
e(eryone has to #a*e in this *in! o& sit$ation are so#e
o& the to$)hest they%% e(er con&ront" I ha(e %earne! that
I can ne(er *no+ in a!(ance +hat choice I +o$%! #a*e
+hen in so#eone e%ses '%ace" This *no+%e!)e he%'s #e
&ee% )en$ine%y s$''orti(e o& the choices others #a*e" A
!ear &rien! o& #ine, +ho #a!e #e &ee% bea$ti&$% e(en
+hen #y hair &e%% o$t, recent%y sai!, 03o$ !i!nt choose
+hat I +o$%! ha(e chosen, b$t that !i!nt #atter"0 I
a''reciate! her &or not %ettin) that co#e bet+een $s
then, c%ear%y the #ost !i&&ic$%t ti#e o& #y %i&e" Then I
sai!, 0B$t yo$ cant *no+ +hat yo$ +o$%! ha(e chosen, I
!i!nt choose +hat yo$ thin! yo$ +o$%! ha(e chosen" I
!i!nt choose +hat I tho$)ht I +o$%! ha(e chosen
either"0
I ne(er tho$)ht I +o$%! a)ree to che#othera'y" I ha!
tre#en!o$s &ears abo$t '$ttin) 'oisons into #y bo!y
an! &ears abo$t %on)/ter# e&&ects on #y i##$ne
syste#" I resiste! it $nti% the (ery en! b$t $%ti#ate%y
!eci!e! that, !es'ite its #any !ra+bac*s,
che#othera'y +as #y best chance &or a c$re" " " "
I# certain that I '%aye! a ro%e in #y beco#in) i%%, a
ro%e that +as #ost%y $nconscio$s an! $nintentiona%, an!
I *no+ that I '%ay a %ar)e ro%e, this one (ery conscio$s
an! intentiona%, in )ettin) +e%% an! stayin) +e%%" I try to
&oc$s on +hat I can !o no+, $nra(e%in) the 'ast too
easi%y !e)enerates into a *in! o& se%&/b%a#e +hich #a*es
it har!er, not easier, to #a*e hea%thy, conscio$s choices
in the 'resent" I a# a%so (ery a+are o& the #any other
&actors +hich are %ar)e%y beyon! #y conscio$s or
$nconscio$s contro%" We are a%%, than*&$%%y, 'art o& a
#$ch %ar)er +ho%e" I %i*e bein) a+are o& this, e(en
tho$)h it #eans I ha(e %ess contro%" We are a%% too
interconnecte!, both +ith each other an! +ith o$r
en(iron#ent 2 %i&e is too +on!er&$%%y co#'%e1 2 &or a
si#'%e state#ent %i*e 0yo$ create yo$r o+n rea%ity0 to be
si#'%y tr$e" A be%ie& that I contro% or create #y o+n
rea%ity act$a%%y atte#'ts to ri' #e o$t o& the rich,
co#'%e1, #ysterio$s, an! s$''orti(e conte1t o& #y %i&e"
It atte#'ts, in the na#e o& contro%, to !eny the +eb o&
re%ationshi's +hich n$rt$res #e an! each o& $s !ai%y"
As a correction to the be%ie& that +e are at the #ercy
o& %ar)er &orces or that i%%ness is !$e to e1terna% a)ents
on%y, this i!ea that +e create o$r o+n rea%ity an!
there&ore o$r o+n i%%nesses is i#'ortant an! necessary"
B$t it )oes too &ar" It is an o(erreaction, base! on an
o(ersi#'%i&ication" I ha(e co#e to &ee% that the e1tre#e
&or# o& this be%ie& ne)ates +hat is he%'&$% abo$t it, that it
is too o&ten $se! in a narro+/#in!e!, narcissistic,
!i(isi(e, an! !an)ero$s +ay" I thin* +e are rea!y &or a
#ore #at$re a''roach to this i!ea" As Ste'hen Le(ine
says, this state#ent is a ha%&/tr$th !an)ero$s in its
inco#'%eteness" It is #ore acc$rate to say +e a&&ect o$r
rea%ity" This is c%oser to the +ho%e tr$th, it %ea(es roo#
both &or e&&ecti(e 'ersona% action an! &or the +on!ro$s
rich #ysterio$sness o& %i&e" """
I& so#eone as*s #e a >$estion %i*e, 0Why !i! yo$
choose to )i(e yo$rse%& cancer<,0 it o&ten &ee%s %i*e
theyre co#in) &ro# a se%&/ri)hteo$s '%ace, a '%ace o&
se'aration +here they are +e%% an! I a# sic*" This
>$estion !oes not in(ite constr$cti(e intros'ection"
7eo'%e sensiti(e to the co#'%e1ity o& the sit$ation #i)ht
as* a #ore he%'&$% >$estion, so#ethin) %i*e, 0Ho+ are
yo$ choosin) to $se this cancer<0 =or #e this >$estion is
e1citin), it he%'s #e %oo* at +hat I can !o no+, he%'s #e
&ee% e#'o+ere! an! s$''orte! an! cha%%en)e! in a
'ositi(e +ay" So#eone +ho as*s this *in! o& >$estion
con(eys that they see #y i%%ness not as a '$nish#ent &or
so#ethin) I !i! +ron) b$t as a !i&&ic$%t an! cha%%en)in)
sit$ation a%so 'otentia%%y &$%% o& o''ort$nities &or )ro+th,
+hich nat$ra%%y he%'s #e a''roach it in the sa#e +ay"
In o$r I$!eo/Christian c$%t$re, +ith its 'er(asi(e
e#'hasis on sin an! )$i%t, i%%ness is too easi%y seen as
'$nish#ent &or +ron)!oin)" I 're&er a #ore B$!!hist
a''roach +here e(erythin) that ha''ens is ta*en as an
o''ort$nity to increase co#'assion, to ser(e others" I
can %oo* at 0ba!0 thin)s that ha''en to #e not as
'$nish#ent &or 'ast actions b$t as #y chance to no+
+or* thro$)h the *ar#a o& the 'ast, to c%eanse the s%ate,
to be !one +ith it" This a''roach he%'s #e &oc$s on
+or*in) +ith the sit$ation in the 'resent"
I &in! this (ery he%'&$%" =ro# a ne+ a)e 'ers'ecti(e I
#i)ht be te#'te! to as* so#eone +hos i%%, 0What !i!
yo$ !o +ron)<0 B$t &ro# a B$!!hist 'ers'ecti(e, I#
#ore %i*e%y to a''roach so#eone +ith a %i&e/threatenin)
i%%ness, e(en so#eone +or*in) +ith it in a +ay I thin* I
+o$%! not choose, an! say so#ethin) that con(eys the
tho$)ht- 0Con)rat$%ations, yo$ ob(io$s%y ha(e the
co$ra)e to ta*e this one on, the +i%%in)ness to +or* this
thro$)h" I a!#ire yo$ &or that"0
When I ta%* to so#eone +hos been ne+%y !ia)nose!
+ith cancer or +ho has ha! a rec$rrence or +ho is
)ro+in) tire! a&ter years o& !ea%in) +ith cancer, I re#in!
#yse%& that I !ont ha(e to )i(e concrete i!eas or a!(ice
to be o& he%'" Listenin) is he%'in)" Listenin) is )i(in)" I
try to be e#otiona%%y accessib%e to the#, to reach
thro$)h #y o+n &ears an! to$ch the#, to #aintain
h$#an contact" I &in! there are #any &ear&$% thin)s +e
can %a$)h at to)ether once +e(e a%%o+e! o$rse%(es to
be tr$%y a&rai!" I try to steer c%ear o& the te#'tations to
!e&ine i#'erati(es &or others, e(en i#'erati(es s$ch as
&i)ht &or yo$r %i&e, chan)e yo$rse%&, or !ie conscio$s%y" I
try not to '$sh 'eo'%e to #o(e in !irections I ha(e
chosen or thin* I #i)ht choose &or #yse%&" I try to stay in
to$ch +ith #y o+n &ear that I #i)ht one !ay &in! #yse%&
in the sa#e sit$ation they are in" I #$st constant%y %earn
ho+ to #a*e &rien!s +ith i%%ness, to not see it as &ai%$re" I
try to $se #y o+n setbac*s an! +ea*nesses an!
i%%nesses to !e(e%o' co#'assion &or others an! &or
#yse%&, +hi%e re#e#berin) to not ta*e serio$s thin)s too
serio$s%y" I try to stay a+are o& the o''ort$nities &or
'sycho%o)ica% an! s'irit$a% hea%in) a%% aro$n! #e in the
(ery rea% 'ain an! s$&&erin) that as* &or o$r co#'assion"
1'
2he New A"e
TRE3A AND I %i*e! Bo$%!er so #$ch +e !eci!e! to #o(e
there" In the s$##er o& that year 4:EB@5, Treya be)an
ha(in) a series o& #enacin) !rea#s" This +as !ist$rbin)
beca$se it +as the (ery &irst ti#e, in a%% three years o&
!ea%in) +ith cancer, that she ha! e(er ha! o#ino$s an!
&orebo!in) !rea#s abo$t her 'hysica% hea%th" A%tho$)h it
ha! been nine #onths since the %ast rec$rrence, an!
a%tho$)h #e!ica% tests at that ti#e sho+e! no si)ns o&
i%%ness, her !rea#s see#e! to be sayin) !i&&erent%y" T+o
!rea#s +ere 'artic$%ar%y (i(i! an! char)e!"
In the &irst I !rea#t there +as a 'orc$'ine attache!
to the %e&t si!e o& #y bo!y, b$t it +as a%so %i*e a #anta
ray, a &%at, !ar* b%ac* &i)$re st$c* to #e &ro# abo$t
#i!ca%& to sho$%!er hei)ht" ;ati he%'e! #e 'ee% it o&& an!
ta*e o$t a &e+ >$i%%s" There +ere hoo*s on the en!s o&
the >$i%%s" An! the &ee%in) +as that it ha! %e&t so#e *in!
o& 'oison insi!e #e, an! the 'oison +as sti%% there"
In the secon! !rea#, I +as seein) a +o#an !octor
an! she +as (ery concerne! o(er ho+ the s*in +as
chan)in) +here the #astecto#y an! ra!iation +ere" She
sai! it +as a (ery ba! si)n o& so#ethin) )oin) on insi!e"
She !i!nt say cancer, b$t o& co$rse that +as the
i#'%ication"
A%tho$)h I a)ree that !rea#s are a roa! to the
s$b#er)e! $nconscio$s 2 $s$a%%y the #a)ic an! #ythic
past 4in!i(i!$a% an! co%%ecti(e5 2 an! a%tho$)h I thin*
!rea#s can so#eti#es 'oint to the future 2 'sychic an!
s$bt%e 2 I $s$a%%y !ont '$t #$ch e#'hasis on the# in !ai%y
%i&e, si#'%y beca$se inter'retation is so tric*y" 3et both o&
$s co$%!nt he%' b$t be str$c* by the &orebo!in) 'ortent o&
these 'o+er&$% !rea#s"
B$t since a%% other si)ns +ere c%ear, there +as nothin)
+e co$%! !o b$t contin$e +ith her 'ro)ra#- #e!itation,
(is$a%i8ation, strict !iet, e1ercise, i##$nosti#$%ation 4&or
e1a#'%e, thy#$s e1tract5, #e)a(ita#ins, .o$rna%/*ee'in)"
We +ere, on the +ho%e, con(ince! that Treya +as on the
roa! to reco(ery, an! in that ha''y %i)ht +e s'ent a
)%orio$s s$##er, the &irst ti#e in three years that, instea!
o& e(erythin) see#in) to )o +ron), e(erythin) see#e! to
)o ri)ht"
Treya thre+ herse%& into her art +or*, 'artic$%ar%y &$se!
)%ass, +ith .oy&$% aban!on, an! be)an 'ro!$cin) her o+n
!esi)ns that see#e! to st$n 'eo'%e +ith their bea$ty an!
ori)ina%ity" I ha! seen nothin) e(en re#ote%y o& that ca%iber
in &$se! )%ass, nobo!y e%se ha! either" We sho+e! the# to
se(era% 'ro&essiona%s in the area" 0These are e1>$isite" 3o$
#$st ha(e been !oin) this &or years"0 0A &e+ #onths,
act$a%%y"0
I be)an +ritin)9 In a #onth an! a ha%&, +or*in) &e(erish%y
!ay an! ni)ht, I t$rne! o$t an ei)ht/h$n!re!/'a)e boo*,
tentati(e%y tit%e! The +reat (hain of 'eing1 * $odern
,ntroduction to the -erennial -hilosophy and the World's
+reat $ystical Traditions" My )oo! o%! !ae#on, a&ter three
years o& con&ine#ent in the 'rison o& #y %ie 2 the %ie o&
b%a#in) Treya 2 b$rst &orth on the scene &$%% o& ener)y an!
!ri(e" 6o!, I +as ecstatic9 Treya he%'e! enor#o$s%y +ith
the boo*, rea!in) each cha'ter hot o&& the co#'$ter
'rinter, an! )i(in) in(a%$ab%e &ee!bac*, o&ten s$))estin) I
re!o entire sections" In o$r o&&/ho$rs +e +o$%! sit aro$n!
an! !rea# $' si%%y tit%es &or the boo*, %i*e Who ,s This +od
-erson, *ny%ay<
I !eci!e! that I !i!, a&ter a%%, +ant a chi%!, #aybe t+o,
+hich tota%%y &%abber)aste! Treya" B$t I ha! rea%i8e! that
not +antin) a chi%! +as si#'%y base! on #y o+n recoi% &ro#
%i&e, &ro# re%ationshi'" I ha! &e%t so +o$n!e! o(er the %ast
&e+ years that, instea! o& o'enin) $' into %i&e, I retreate!
into #yse%&, a ba! '%an $n!er the best o& circ$#stances" We
s'ent a +on!er&$% #onth in As'en, +here Treya +as
acti(e%y in(o%(e! +ith Win!star an! the Roc*y Mo$ntain
Instit$te" We +ere (isite! there by Iohn Broc*#an an!
;atin*a Matson, 7atricia an! Danie% E%%sber), an! Mitch an!
E%%en ;a'or an! their yo$n) son A!a#" Mitch, the &o$n!er o&
Lot$s, +as an o%! &rien! o& #ine, he ha! (isite! #e bac* in
the Linco%n !ays to !isc$ss #y boo*s" It +as +atchin) Mitch
an! A!a# that &irst )ot #e thin*in) abo$t ha(in) *i!s"
=$rther ta%*s +ith Sa# an! +ith Iac* Critten!en con(ince!
#e"
B$t it +asnt that, rea%%y" It +as that Treya an! I ha!
&ina%%y reconnecte!, on a%% %e(e%s it see#e!, a&ter so #$ch
har!shi'" It +as .$st %i*e at the be)innin), #aybe better"
An! ;en< =or the &irst ti#e e#er since +e(e been
#arrie! he see#s to +ant to ha(e a chi%!9 The ti#e he
s'ent +ith Iac*son an! Mitch an! Sa# has rea%%y
a&&ecte! hi#" A''arent%y he as*e! the# abo$t ha(in)
chi%!ren 4Sa# has t+o, Iac* three, Mitch one5" They a%%
sai!, +itho$t >$estion, !ont hesitate, !ont thin* abo$t
it, .$st !o it" Its the #ost +on!er&$% e1'erience e(er"
3o$r %i&e +i%% be tota%%y chan)e!, they%% .er* yo$ aro$n!
in #ore +ays than yo$ can i#a)ine, an! its +on!er&$%"
Do it" Ha(e a chi%!" So a%% +e ha(e to !o no+ is +atch #y
hea%th &or a year9
3et e(en be&ore he !eci!e! he +ante! chi%!ren, ;en
see#e! to ha(e chan)e! so #$ch" He is bein) so
+on!er&$%, so s+eet, so %o(in)" Hes so c$te sittin) there
in &ront o& his co#'$ter +or*in), so c$te as he
e1'eri#ents +ith s'ices an! co#es $' +ith these
+on!er&$% )o$r#et #ea%s 2 an! on #y !iet no %ess9 Is
this +hat he +as %i*e be&ore +e +ent thro$)h o$r har!
ti#es< Hes e(en #ore +on!er&$% than I re#e#ber9
I re#e#ber that 'erio! I +as )oin) thro$)h, +hen I
+as ba%!, +hen I +on!ere! i& +e +ere e(er )oin) to )et
bac* to +here +e ha! been" That see#e! (ery i#'ortant
to #e then" I thin* I #eant by that the *in! o& c%oseness
an! h$n)er &or each other, es'ecia%%y #e &or hi#, +e
starte! o$t +ith" We%%, I thin* +ere bac* there, b$t o&
co$rse in a !i&&erent +ay" It see#s 'erha's 'retentio$s
to ca%% it a hi)her r$n) o& the s'ira%, b$t that #ay be the
c%osest I can )et" Whats !i&&erent is the intensity o& the
nee!, the attach#ent, an! a%tho$)h I #iss that, I a%so
thin* its %ac* in!icates I(e )ro+n" I re#e#ber the
&ee%in) as bein) a *in! o& barnac%e attache! to hi#, he
satis&ie! s$ch a !ee', o%!, e#'ty nee! that I on%y
+ante! to be +ith hi#" I sti%% &ar 're&er to be +ith hi#
than anythin) e%se, b$t the intensity o& that nee! is
)one, those ho%es ha(e %ar)e%y been &i%%e!" Whats bac* is
the sheer '%eas$re o& bein) to)ether, the s#a%% !e%i)hts
in the s#a%% $ni>$e thin)s he !oes, ho+ noticin) those
#o#ents bri)htens $' the !ay" Whats bac* is o$r bein)
*in! an! )ent%e an! '%ay&$% +ith each other, a ret$rn o&
the %i)htness an! .oy&$%ness in bein) +ith each other"
Whats a!!e! to this is a #ore #at$re a+areness o&
each others sensiti(e s'ots an! a +i%%in)ness to h$#or
an! care &or those sore 'oints" I(e %earne! to enco$ra)e
hi#, )i(e hi# 'ositi(e &ee!bac*, so#ethin) that +asnt
#y &a#i%ys +ay" Hes %earne!, I thin*, that bein) sni!e
rea%%y h$rts #e" We(e both %earne! to sense a 'rob%e#
co#in) an! either bac* o&& or +or* +ith it in a )ent%e
+ay" Thin)s are in )enera% #$ch so&ter, #$ch *in!er
aro$n! o$r ho$se, in o$r re%ationshi'" I !e%i)ht in the
sensiti(e inter'%ay o& it a%%"
Another %o(e%y thin) is ha''enin) as ;en +rites his
ne+ boo*" The rea%%y nice 'art, asi!e &ro# the )reat
'%eas$re I )et in seein) his i!eas '$t &or+ar! in a c%ear,
rea!i%y accessib%e +ay 4this is another boo* I can )i(e
#y #others &rien!s95 is that ;en is )i(in) #e each
cha'ter as it co#es o&& the 'rinter an! as*in) &or #y
co##ents" Which he rea%%y see#s to (a%$e an! has in
#any cases incor'orate!" Its nice to see so #any o& o$r
'ast con(ersations )et into 'rint, &or e1a#'%e a%% o$r
ta%*s abo$t #a%e/&e#a%e !i&&erences" An! its nice to be
ab%e to contrib$te, to be ab%e to he%' sha'e his i!eas"
Whate(er the act$a% co##ents, the #ain thin) is that I
&ee% %i*e a rea% 'artici'ant in this 'ro.ect" An! its a
'ro.ect I &ee% rea%%y behin! beca$se its so accessib%e to
'eo'%e" I$st rea!in) abo$t the transition &ro# e1istentia%
to so$% F&ro# %e(e% M to %e(e% @?BG has ans+ere! so #any
>$estions in #y o+n %i&e no+" I a# !e%i)hte! he is !oin)
this boo*9
An! I %o(e !oin) #y art +or*9 I create #y o+n
!esi)ns, base! on the abstract !ra+in)s I #a*e, an!
trans&er these to care&$%%y c$t )%ass 'ieces that I then
asse#b%e three an! &o$r %e(e%s !ee'" I '$t the tota% 'iece
in a *i%n an! &ire it" I(e seen this !one in boo*s, b$t
nothin) %i*e #y !esi)ns" 7eo'%e see# to rea%%y %o(e
the#, an! I !ont thin* theyre sayin) that .$st to be
nice" I %o(e !oin) it99999 I thin* abo$t it constant%y, !rea#
abo$t it, cant +ait to )et bac* to it"
An! CSC in San =rancisco is )oin) stron)" We
recei(e! a J2K,000 )rant &ro# a #a.or &o$n!ation an!
'eo'%e are *noc*in) at o$r !oors" =ro# +hat I hear 2 an!
I# sa! I cant be there #ore &or this &$n 'art 2 'eo'%e
are bene&itin) tre#en!o$s%y &ro# bein) in the )ro$'s"
One #an +ith #etastatic cancer sai! its his on%y
s$''ort syste# an! he no %on)er &ee%s so a&rai!" One
o%!er +o#an in the breast cancer )ro$' +ho %i(es &ar
a+ay &ro# her !a$)hters no+ &ee%s that she has &o$r
ne+ !a$)hters 4the yo$n)er +o#en in the )ro$'5"
7eo'%e ha(e to%! their !octors that e(en one or t+o
)ro$' #eetin)s ha(e he%'e! tre#en!o$s%y, they no
%on)er &ee% so a%one or so a&rai!" Aic*y is no+ r$nnin) it,
an! she is !oin) a &ab$%o$s .ob9 3ester!ay I +rote this to
Aic*ys #other-
0I! %i*e to share +ith yo$ one as'ect o& CSC +hich I
thin* is (ery s'ecia%" I(e on%y beco#e a+are o& it by
seein) CSC in contrast to both the We%%ness Co##$nity,
+hich as yo$ *no+ +as o$r ori)ina% #o!e%, an! no+
O$a%i&e, +hich is a )ro$' !oin) si#i%ar +or* in Den(er" I
hi)h%y (a%$e the +or* both o& these )ro$'s are !oin),
an! I see that CSC is !i&&erent #ain%y beca$se it +as
be)$n by 'eo'%e +ho ha! the#se%(es ha! cancer" The
other )ro$'s, tho$)h si#i%ar%y #oti(ate! to he%' 'eo'%e
!$rin) an incre!ib%y !i&&ic$%t ti#e, are #ore &oc$se! on
techni>$es, on res$%ts, on #a*in) a 'oint" The We%%ness
Co##$nity, &or e1a#'%e, ta%*s abo$t Lets =i)ht Cancer
To)ether in their broch$res" These )ro$'s &ee% they
ha(e so#ethin) concrete to teach, %i*e (is$a%i8ation or
+hate(er, an! they +ant to sho+ that it #a*es a
!i&&erence"
0CSC, on the other han!, see#s to co#e &ro# a so&ter
+ere in this to)ether *in! o& '%ace" 3es, +e be%ie(e
these techni>$es can he%' b$t +ere #$ch #ore
intereste! in #eetin) 'eo'%e +here they are an! )i(in)
the# +hat they as* &or than in 'ro(in) a 'oint" In &act,
I(e o&ten sai! that in one sense a%% the thin)s +e !o 2
the s$''ort )ro$'s, the c%asses, the socia% e(ents 2 are
#ere%y e1c$ses to brin) 'eo'%e to)ether, str$ct$res in
+hich that can ha''en" When I ha! cancer I &o$n! that it
+as !i&&ic$%t to be +ith #y &rien!s" I ha! to e1'en! a %ot
o& ener)y ta*in) care o& the#, e1'%ainin) thin)s, !ea%in)
+ith their &ears &or #e, +ith their o&ten $ne1'resse!
&ears &or the#se%(es" I !isco(ere! that bein) +ith other
'eo'%e +ho ha! cancer &e%t %i*e a bi) re%ie&" I rea%i8e!
that I ha! beco#e a #e#ber o& another &a#i%y, the
&a#i%y o& 'eo'%e +ho *no+ abo$t cancer &ro# 'ersona%
e1'erience" An! I be%ie(e that #$ch o& +hat CSC !oes is
to 'ro(i!e a '%ace an! a +ay &or #e#bers o& that &a#i%y
to co#e to)ether an! s$''ort each other" S$''ort each
other thro$)h &rien!shi', thro$)h sharin) in&or#ation,
thro$)h sharin) &ears, thro$)h bein) ab%e to !isc$ss
thin)s %i*e s$ici!e an! %ea(in) yo$r chi%!ren an! 'ain
an! &ear o& 'ain or !eath an! +hat its %i*e to be ba%!
an! so on"
0We ha(e to be co#'assionate +ith each other, yes"
We *no+ +e sho$%!nt intro!$ce so#eone +hos .$st
been !ia)nose! +ith cancer to so#eone +ith their sa#e
ty'e o& cancer +ho has #etastases, &or e1a#'%e 4other
'%aces #i1 'eo'%e +ho are at (ario$s sta)es +itho$t
're'arin) the# &or the shoc*5" We *no+ ho+ i#'ortant
it is to stress a %ar)er !e&inition o& hea%th than si#'%e
'hysica% hea%th, &or +e be%ie(e the tr$e test o& s$ccess in
&acin) cancer is ho+ yo$ %i(e yo$r %i&e" We *no+ 2 I ho'e
2 ho+ to s$))est thin)s to 'eo'%e, ho+ to o'en !oors &or
the#, in s$ch a +ay that they *no+ +hate(er their
choice, i& they t$rn !o+n the s$))estions or choose not
to +a%* thro$)h the !oor, +e%% sti%% be there &or the#" We
*no+ these thin)s beca$se +e(e been there" An! thats
+hats !i&&erent abo$t the Cancer S$''ort Co##$nity"0
Its stran)e, .$st rea!in) that" I %o(e that ;en +ants to
ha(e chi%!ren" B$t +ho *no+s +hat #y hea%th +i%% a%%o+<
B$t +hate(er ha''ens, I s$''ose I +i%% a%+ays consi!er
thin)s %i*e CSC as #y chi%!" Its so s'ecia%, an! %i*e any
!otin) 'arent I# so 'ro$! o& it" =or the &irst ti#e I &ee%
so#e 'eace abo$t this >$estion o& ha(in) a chi%!"
In the #eanti#e, I '%$))e! a+ay on the boo*" One o& its
cha'ters, 0Hea%th, Who%eness, an! Hea%in),0 +as '$b%ishe!
in /e% *ge a%on)si!e Treyas 'iece, +ith the ne+ tit%e, 0Do
We Ma*e O$rse%(es Sic*<0 I +ont re'eat the entire 'iece
here, b$t I +i%% brie&%y o$t%ine its #a.or 'oints, since it
re'resente! a c$%#ination o& #y tho$)hts on this !i&&ic$%t
iss$e that Treya an! I ha! +rest%e! +ith &or the 'ast three
years"
:" The stan!ar! ar)$#ent &ro# the 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy is
that #en an! +o#en are )ro$n!e! in the 6reat Chain o&
Bein)" That is, +e ha(e +ithin $s #atter, bo!y, #in!,
so$%, an! s'irit"
2" In any !isease, it is e1tre#e%y i#'ortant to try to
!eter#ine on +hich %e(e% or %e(e%s the !isease 'ri#ari%y
ori)inates 2 'hysica%, e#otiona%, #enta%, or s'irit$a%"
C" It is #ost i#'ortant to $se a 0sa#e/%e(e%0 'roce!$re &or
the 'ri#ary 4b$t not necessari%y so%e5 co$rse o&
treat#ent" Dse 'hysica% inter(ention &or 'hysica%
!iseases, $se e#otiona% thera'y &or e#otiona%
!ist$rbances, $se s'irit$a% #etho!s &or s'irit$a% crises,
an! so on" I& a #i1t$re o& ca$ses, then $se a #i1t$re o&
a''ro'riate/%e(e% treat#ents"
H" This is es'ecia%%y i#'ortant beca$se i& yo$ #is!ia)nose
the !isease by thin*in) it ori)inates on a %e(e% hi)her
than it in &act !oes, then yo$ +i%% )enerate guilt, i& on a
%e(e% %o+er, yo$ +i%% )enerate despair" Either +ay, the
treat#ent +i%% be %ess than e&&ecti(e, an! +i%% ha(e the
a!!e! !isa!(anta)e o& b$r!enin) the 'atient +ith )$i%t
or !es'air ca$se! so%e%y by the #is!ia)nosis"
=or e1a#'%e, i& yo$ )et hit by a b$s an! brea* a %e),
thats a 'hysica% i%%ness +ith 'hysica% re#e!ies- yo$ set the
%e) an! '%aster it" Thats a 0sa#e/%e(e%0 inter(ention" 3o$
!ont sit in the street an! (is$a%i8e yo$r %e) #en!in)" Thats
a #enta%/%e(e% techni>$e that isnt e&&ecti(e in this 'hysica%/
%e(e% 'rob%e#" Moreo(er, i& yo$ are to%! by those aro$n!
yo$ that yo$r tho$)hts a%one ca$se! this acci!ent, an! that
yo$ sho$%! be ab%e to #en! the %e) yo$rse%& +ith yo$r
tho$)hts, then a%% that is )oin) to ha''en is that yo$ +i%%
&ee% )$i%t, se%&/b%a#e, an! %o+ se%&/estee#" Its a co#'%ete
#is#atch o& %e(e%s an! treat#ents"
On the other han!, i& yo$ !o ha''en to s$&&er &ro#, say,
%o+ se%&/estee#, beca$se o& certain scri'ts that yo$ ha(e
interna%i8e! abo$t ho+ rotten or inco#'etent yo$ are, that
is a #enta%/%e(e% 'rob%e# that res'on!s +e%% to a #enta%/
%e(e% inter(ention s$ch as (is$a%i8ation or a&&ir#ations
4scri't re+ritin), +hich is e1act%y +hat co)niti(e thera'y
!oes5" Dsin) 'hysica%/%e(e% inter(entions 2 ta*in)
#e)a(ita#ins, say, or chan)in) yo$r !iet 2 is not )oin) to
ha(e #$ch e&&ect 4$n%ess yo$ act$a%%y ha(e a (ita#in
i#ba%ance contrib$tin) to the 'rob%e#5" An! i& yo$ on%y try
to $se 'hysica%/%e(e% treat#ents, yo$ are )oin) to en! $' in
so#e &or# o& !es'air, beca$se the treat#ents are &ro# the
+ron) %e(e% an! they .$st !ont +or* (ery +e%%"
So the )enera% a''roach to any !isease, in #y o'inion, is
to start at the botto# an! +or* $'" =irst, %oo* &or 'hysica%
ca$ses" E1ha$st those to the best o& yo$r abi%ity" Then
#o(e $' to any 'ossib%e e#otiona% ca$ses, an! e1ha$st
those" Then #enta%, then s'irit$a%"
This is 'artic$%ar%y i#'ortant, beca$se so #any !iseases
that +ere once tho$)ht to ha(e a '$re%y s'irit$a% or
'sycho%o)ica% ori)in, +e no+ *no+ ha(e #a.or 'hysica% or
)enetic co#'onents" Asth#a +as once tho$)ht to be
ca$se! by a 0s#otherin) #other"0 It is no+ *no+n to be
%ar)e%y bio'hysica% in ca$se an! e#er)ence" T$berc$%osis
+as ca$se! by a 0cons$#'ti(e 'ersona%ity0, )o$t, by #ora%
+ea*ness" There +as a +i!e%y be%ie(e! 0arthritis/'rone
'ersona%ity0 that has si#'%y not stoo! the test o& ti#e" A%%
these notions !i! +as insti%% )$i%t in their (icti#s, the c$res
!i!nt +or* at a%% beca$se they +ere &ro# the +ron) %e(e%"
No+ this is not to say that treat#ents &ro# other %e(e%s
cant be (ery i#'ortant in a s$''ortin) or a!.$(ant &ashion"
They #ost !e&inite%y can" In the si#'%e e1a#'%e o& the
bro*en %e), re%a1ation techni>$es, (is$a%i8ation,
a&&ir#ations, #e!itation, 'sychothera'y i& yo$ nee! it 2 a%%
o& those can contrib$te to a #ore ba%ance! at#os'here in
+hich 'hysica% hea%in) can #ore easi%y an! 'erha's rea!i%y
occ$r"
What is not he%'&$% is ta*in) the &act that these
'sycho%o)ica% an! s'irit$a% as'ects can be (ery $se&$%, an!
then sayin) that the reason yo$ bro*e yo$r %e) is that yo$
%ac*e! these 'sycho%o)ica% an! s'irit$a% &acets in the &irst
'%ace" A 'erson s$&&erin) any #a.or i%%ness #ay #a*e
si)ni&icant an! 'ro&o$n! chan)es in the &ace o& that i%%ness,
it !oes not &o%%o+ that they )ot the i%%ness beca$se they
%ac*e! the chan)es" That +o$%! be %i*e sayin), i& yo$ ha(e a
&e(er an! yo$ ta*e as'irin the &e(er )oes !o+n, there&ore
ha(in) a &e(er is !$e to an as'irin !e&iciency"
No+ #ost !iseases, o& co$rse, !ont ori)inate &ro# a
sin)%e an! iso%ate! %e(e%" Whate(er ha''ens on one %e(e% or
!i#ension o& bein) a&&ects a%% the other %e(e%s to a )reater
or %esser !e)ree" Ones e#otiona%, #enta%, an! s'irit$a%
#a*e$' can #ost !e&inite%y in&%$ence 'hysica% i%%ness an!
'hysica% hea%in), .$st as a 'hysica% i%%ness can ha(e stron)
re'erc$ssions on the hi)her %e(e%s" Brea* yo$r %e), an! it
+i%% 'robab%y ha(e e#otiona% an! 'sycho%o)ica% e&&ects" In
syste#s theory this is ca%%e! 0$'+ar! ca$sation0 2 a %o+er
%e(e% is ca$sin) certain e(ents in a hi)her %e(e%" An! the
re(erse, 0!o+n+ar! ca$sation,0 is +hen a hi)her %e(e% has a
ca$sa% e&&ect or in&%$ence on the %o+er"
The >$estion, then, is .$st ho+ #$ch 0!o+n+ar!
ca$sation0 !oes the #in! 2 !o o$r tho$)hts an! e#otions 2
ha(e on 'hysica% i%%ness< An! the ans+er see#s to be-
#$ch #ore than +as once tho$)ht, not near%y as #$ch as
ne+ a)ers be%ie(e"
The ne+ schoo% o& 'sychone$roi##$no%o)y 47NI5 has
&o$n! con(incin) e(i!ence that o$r tho$)hts an! e#otions
can ha(e a !irect in&%$ence on the i##$ne syste#" The
e&&ect is not %ar)e, b$t it is !etectab%e" This, o& co$rse, is
+hat +e +o$%! e1'ect &ro# the a1io# that a%% %e(e%s a&&ect
a%% other %e(e%s to so#e !e)ree, ho+e(er #inor" B$t since
#e!icine starte! o$t as a '$re%y 'hysica%/%e(e% science, an!
!isre)ar!e! the in&%$ence o& the hi)her %e(e%s on 'hysica%/
%e(e% i%%ness 40the )host in the #achine05, 7NI has 'ro(i!e!
a necessary correction, o&&erin) a #ore ba%ance! (ie+" The
#in! can a&&ect the bo!y to a s#a%% b$t not insi)ni&icant
!e)ree"
In 'artic$%ar, i#a)ery an! (is$a%i8ation ha(e been &o$n!
to be 'erha's the #ost i#'ortant in)re!ients in the 0s#a%%
b$t not insi)ni&icant0 in&%$ence o& the #in! on the bo!y an!
the i##$ne syste#" Why i#a)es< I& +e %oo* at the
e1ten!e! (ersion o& the 6reat Chain, notice +here i#a)es
occ$r- #atter, sensation, 'erce'tion, i#'$%se, i#a)e,
sy#bo%, conce't, an! so on" I#a)e is the %o+est an! #ost
'ri#iti(e 'art o& the #in!, '$ttin) it !irect%y in to$ch +ith
the hi)hest 'art o& the bo!y" I#a)e, in other +or!s, is the
#in!s !irect connection +ith the bo!y 2 its #oo!s, its
i#'$%ses, its bioener)y" O$r hi)her tho$)hts an! conce'ts,
then, can trans%ate !o+n+ar! into si#'%e i#a)es, an!
these a''arent%y ha(e a #o!est b$t !irect in&%$ence on
bo!i%y syste#s 4(ia a&&ect or i#'$%se, the ne1t %o+er
!i#ension5"
A%% thin)s consi!ere!, then, 'sycho%o)ica% #oo! '%ays
so#e 'art in e(ery i%%ness" *nd that component should be
e2ercised to the ma2imum, I a)ree entire%y" In a c%ose
e%ection, that co#'onent #ay be eno$)h to ti' the sca%es in
&a(or o& hea%th or i%%ness, b$t it !oes not sin)%e/han!e!%y
st$&& the ba%%ot bo1es"
Th$s, as Ste(en Loc*e an! Do$)%as Co%%i)an +rite in The
Healer Within, e(ery i%%ness in e&&ect has a 'sycho%o)ica%
co#'onent, an! e(ery hea%in) 'rocess is a&&ecte! by
'sycho%o)y" B$t, the a$thors contin$e, the 'rob%e# is that
'eo'%e ha(e con&$se! the ter#s psychosomatic, +hich
#eans that a 'hysica% !isease 'rocess can be a&&ecte! by
'sycho%o)ica% &actors, an! psychogenic, +hich #eans that
the i%%ness is ca$se! so%e%y by 'sycho%o)ica% &actors" The
a$thors state- 0In the correct sense o& the +or!, e(ery
i%%ness can be sai! to be 'sychoso#atic, it #ay be ti#e to
retire the ter# 'sychoso#atic a%to)ether" FBeca$seG both
the '$b%ic an! so#e 'hysicians ha(e $se! the ter#s
'sychoso#atic 4#eanin) that the #in! can in&%$ence the
hea%th o& the bo!y5 an! 'sycho)enic 4#eanin) that the
#in! can ca$se !iseases in the bo!y5 interchan)eab%y"
They ha(e %ost si)ht o& the tr$e #eanin) o& 'sychoso#atic
!isease" As Robert A!er s$))ests, Were not ta%*in) abo$t
the ca$sation o& !isease, b$t the interaction bet+een
'sychosocia% e(ents, co'in) an! the 'ree1istin) bio%o)ica%
con!itions"0
The a$thors the#se%(es #ention here!ity, %i&e/sty%e,
!r$)s, %ocation, occ$'ation, a)e, an! 'ersona%ity" Its the
interaction o& a%% these &actors 2 I +o$%! a!! e1istentia% an!
s'irit$a% &actors 2 &ro# all the %e(e%s that to)ether see# to
in&%$ence the ca$se an! co$rse o& a 'hysica% i%%ness" Sin)%in)
o$t any one o& these &actors an! i)norin) the others is th$s
a +i%! o(ersi#'%i&ication"
So +here !i! this ne+ a)e i!ea that yo$r #in! alone
ca$ses an! c$res a%% 'hysica% i%%ness co#e &ro#< It c%ai#s,
a&ter a%%, to ha(e a &ir# &o$n!ation in the +or%!s )reat
#ystica%, s'irit$a%, an! transcen!enta% tra!itions" An! here
these ne+/a)e a!(ocates are on (ery sha*y )ro$n!, I
be%ie(e" Ieanne Achterber), a$thor o& ,magery in Healing
4+hich I hi)h%y reco##en!5 be%ie(es that the notion can
historica%%y be trace! bac* to the Ne+ Tho$)ht or
Meta'hysica% Tho$)ht schoo%s that )re+ $' base! on a
4!istorte!5 rea!in) o& the Ne+ En)%an! Transcen!enta%ists,
E#erson an! Thorea$, +ho base! #$ch o& their +or* on
Eastern #ysticis#" The Ne+ Tho$)ht schoo%s, o& +hich
Christian Science is the #ost &a#o$s, con&$se the correct
notion 06o!hea! creates a%%,0 +ith the notion, 0Since I a#
one +ith 6o!, I create a%%"0
That 'osition #a*es t+o #ista*es, I be%ie(e, +hich both
E#erson an! Thorea$ +o$%! ha(e stron)%y !isa)ree! +ith"
One, that 6o! is an inter(enin) 'arent &or the $ni(erse,
instea! o& its i#'artia% Rea%ity or S$chness or Con!ition"
An! t+o, that yo$r e)o is one +ith that 'arenta% 6o!, an!
there&ore can inter(ene an! or!er the $ni(erse aro$n!" I
ha(e &o$n! no s$''ort &or that notion in the #ystica%
tra!itions at a%%"
A!(ocates o& the ne+ a)e the#se%(es c%ai# that they
are basin) this i!ea on the 'rinci'%e o& *ar#a, +hich says
that yo$r 'resent %i&e circ$#stances are the res$%ts o&
tho$)hts an! actions &ro# a 're(io$s %i&eti#e" Accor!in) to
Hin!$is# an! B$!!his#, that is 'artia%%y tr$e" B$t e(en i& it
+ere tota%%y tr$e, +hich it isnt, the ne+ a)ers ha(e, I
be%ie(e, o(er%oo*e! one cr$cia% &act- Accor!in) to these
tra!itions, yo$r 'resent circ$#stances are in!ee! the
res$%ts o& tho$)hts an! actions &ro# a pre#ious %i&e, an!
yo$r 'resent tho$)hts an! actions +i%% a&&ect, not yo$r
'resent %i&e, b$t yo$r ne2t %i&e, yo$r ne1t incarnation" The
B$!!hists say that in yo$r 'resent %i&e yo$ are si#'%y
rea!in) a boo* that yo$ +rote in the 're(io$s %i&e, an! +hat
yo$ are !oin) no+ +i%% not co#e to &r$ition $nti% yo$r ne2t
%i&e" In neither case !oes yo$r 'resent tho$)ht create yo$r
'resent rea%ity"
No+ I 'ersona%%y !ont ha''en to be%ie(e that 'artic$%ar
(ie+ o& *ar#a" Its a rather 'ri#iti(e notion s$bse>$ent%y
re&ine! 4an! %ar)e%y aban!one!5 by the %ater schoo%s o&
B$!!his#, +here it +as reco)ni8e! that not e#erything that
ha''ens to yo$ is the res$%t o& yo$r o+n 'ast actions" As
Na#*hai Norb$, #aster o& D8o)chen B$!!his# 4)enera%%y
re)ar!e! as the 'innac%e o& B$!!hist teachin)5, e1'%ains-
0There are i%%nesses 'ro!$ce! !$e to *ar#a, or the 're(io$s
con!itions o& the in!i(i!$a%" B$t there are a%so i%%nesses
)enerate! by ener)ies that co#e &ro# others, &ro# the
o$tsi!e" An! there are i%%nesses that are 'ro(o*e! by
'ro(isiona% ca$ses, s$ch as &oo! or other co#binations o&
circ$#stances" An! there are i%%nesses )enerate! by
acci!ent" Then there are a%% *in!s o& i%%nesses %in*e! +ith the
en(iron#ent"0 My 'oint is that neither the 'ri#iti(e (ersion
o& *ar#a nor the #ore e(o%(e! teachin)s %en! #$ch
s$''ort to the ne+ a)e notion"
An! so +here !oes that notion itse%& co#e &ro#< Here I
a# )oin) to 'art +ays +ith Treya an! s'in o$t #y o+n 'et
theories on the 'eo'%e that ho%! these be%ie&s" I a# not
)oin) to re%ate co#'assionate%y to the s$&&erin) these
notions ca$se" I a# )oin) to try to 'i)eonho%e the#,
cate)ori8e the#, s'in theories abo$t the#, beca$se I thin*
the i!eas are !an)ero$s an! nee! to be 'i)eonho%e!, i& &or
no other reason than to 're(ent &$rther s$&&erin)" An! #y
co##ents are not a!!resse! to the %ar)e n$#ber o& 'eo'%e
+ho be%ie(e these i!eas in a rather innocent an! nai(e an!
har#%ess +ay" I ha(e in #in! #ore the nationa% %ea!ers o&
this #o(e#ent, in!i(i!$a%s +ho )i(e se#inars on creatin)
yo$r o+n rea%ity, +ho )i(e +or*sho's that teach, &or
e1a#'%e, that cancer is ca$se! so%e%y by resent#ent, +ho
teach that 'o(erty is yo$r o+n !oin) an! o''ression
so#ethin) yo$ bro$)ht on yo$rse%&" These are 'erha's +e%%/
intentione! b$t nonethe%ess !an)ero$s 'eo'%e, in #y
o'inion, beca$se they !i(ert attention a+ay &ro# the rea%
%e(e%s 2 'hysica%, en(iron#enta%, %e)a%, #ora% an! socio/
econo#ic, &or e1a#'%e 2 +here so #$ch +or* !es'erate%y
nee!s to be !one"
In #y o'inion, these be%ie&s 2 'artic$%ar%y the be%ie& that
yo$ create yo$r o+n rea%ity 2 are %e(e% t+o be%ie&s" They
ha(e a%% the ha%%#ar*s o& the in&anti%e an! #a)ica%
+or%!(ie+ o& the narcissistic 'ersona%ity !isor!ers, inc%$!in)
)ran!iosity, o#ni'otence, an! narcissis#" The i!ea that
tho$)hts !ont .$st in&%$ence rea%ity b$t create rea%ity is the
!irect res$%t, in #y o'inion, o& the inco#'%ete !i&&erentiation
o& the e)o bo$n!ary that so !e&ines %e(e% t+o" Tho$)hts an!
ob.ects arent c%ear%y se'arate!, an! th$s to #ani'$%ate the
tho$)ht is to o#ni'otent%y an! #a)ica%%y #ani'$%ate the
ob.ect"
I be%ie(e the hy'erin!i(i!$a%istic c$%t$re in A#erica,
+hich reache! its 8enith in the 0#e !eca!e,0 &ostere!
re)ression to #a)ica% an! narcissistic %e(e%s" I be%ie(e 4+ith
Robert Be%%ah an! Dic* Anthony5 that the brea*!o+n o&
#ore socia%%y cohesi(e str$ct$res t$rne! in!i(i!$a%s bac* on
their o+n reso$rces, an! this a%so he%'e! reacti(ate
narcissistic ten!encies" An! I be%ie(e, +ith c%inica%
'sycho%o)ists, that %$r*in) ri)ht beneath the s$r&ace o&
narcissis# is ra)e, 'artic$%ar%y b$t not so%e%y e1'resse! in
the be%ie&- 0I !ont +ant to h$rt yo$, I %o(e yo$, b$t !isa)ree
+ith #e an! yo$ +i%% )et an i%%ness that +i%% *i%% yo$" A)ree
+ith #e, a)ree that yo$ can create yo$r o+n rea%ity, an!
yo$ +i%% )et better, yo$ +i%% %i(e"0 This has no basis in the
+or%!s )reat #ystica% tra!itions, it has its basis in
narcissistic an! bor!er%ine 'atho%o)y"
Whi%e #$ch o& the #ai% an! res'onse to the ori)ina% /e%
*ge 'iece share! #y sense o& #ora% o$tra)e at +hat these
i!eas +ere !oin) to so #any innocent 'eo'%e, the har!/core
ne+ a)ers reacte! +ith ra)e, sayin) thin)s %i*e, i& Treya an!
I tho$)ht that, she !eser(e! to )et cancer" She +as
brin)in) it on herse%& +ith these tho$)hts"
This is not a b%an*et con!e#nation o& the entire ne+ a)e
#o(e#ent" There are as'ects o& that #o(e#ent 2 its a
%ar)e an! (arie! beast, a&ter a%% 2 that are in!ee! base! on
so#e )en$ine%y #ystica% an! trans'ersona% 'rinci'%es 4s$ch
as the i#'ortance o& int$ition an! the e1istence o& $ni(ersa%
conscio$sness5" Its .$st that any )en$ine%y transrationa%
#o(e#ent a%+ays attracts a (ery %ar)e n$#ber o&
prerationa% e%e#ents, si#'%y beca$se both are nonrationa%,
an! it is e1act%y this con&$sion bet+een 0're0 an! 0trans0
that is one o& the #a.or 'rob%e#s +ith the ne+ a)e
#o(e#ent, in #y o'inion"
Heres a concrete e1a#'%e base! on e#'irica% research"
D$rin) the Ber*e%ey riots 'rotestin) the +ar in Aietna#, a
tea# o& researchers )a(e a re'resentati(e sa#'%e o& the
st$!ents the ;oh%ber) test o& #ora% !e(e%o'#ent" The
st$!ents, a&ter a%%, c%ai#e! that their #a.or ob.ection to the
+ar +as that it +as immoral" An! so +hat sta)es o& #ora%
!e(e%o'#ent +ere the st$!ents the#se%(es o'eratin)
&ro#<
What the researchers &o$n! +as that a s#a%% 'ercenta)e
o& the st$!ents, so#ethin) %i*e 20Q, +ere in!ee! o'eratin)
&ro# the postcon(entiona% sta)es 4or the 0trans0/
con(entiona% sta)es5" That is, their ob.ections +ere base!
on $ni(ersa% 'rinci'%es o& ri)ht an! +ron), they +ere not
base! on any 'artic$%ar societys stan!ar!s or on in!i(i!$a%
+hi#" Their be%ie&s abo$t the +ar #i)ht ha(e been ri)ht,
they #i)ht ha(e been +ron), b$t their #ora% reasonin) +as
>$ite hi)h%y !e(e%o'e!" On the other han!, the (ast
#a.ority o& the 'rotesters 2 aro$n! B0Q 2 +ere &o$n! to be
'recon(entiona%, +hich #eans their #ora% reasonin) +as
base! on 'ersona% an! rather se%&ish #oti(es" They !i!nt
+ant to &i)ht, not beca$se the +ar +as i##ora%, not
beca$se they +ere act$a%%y concerne! +ith the Aietna#ese
'eo'%e, b$t beca$se they !i!nt +ant anybo!y te%%in) the#
+hat to !o" Their #oti(es +erent $ni(ersa% or e(en socia%,
b$t '$re%y se%&ish" An!, as +e +o$%! e1'ect, there +ere
a%#ost no st$!ents at the con(entiona% %e(e%, the %e(e% o&
0#y co$ntry ri)ht or +ron)0 4since these st$!ents +o$%! not
ha(e seen any reason to 'rotest in the &irst '%ace5" In other
+or!s, a s#a%% n$#ber o& tr$%y 'ost/ or transcon(entiona%
st$!ents attracte! a (ery %ar)e n$#ber o& 'recon(entiona%
ty'es, beca$se +hat they both ha! in co##on +as bein)
noncon(entiona%"
I$st so, in the ne+ a)e #o(e#ent, I be%ie(e, a s#a%%
'ercenta)e o& )en$ine%y #ystica% or trans'ersona% or
transrationa% e%e#ents an! 'rinci'%es 4%e(e%s se(en thro$)h
nine5 ha(e attracte! a h$)e n$#ber o& 'recon(entiona%,
#a)ica%, an! 'rerationa% e%e#ents 4%e(e%s one thro$)h &o$r5,
si#'%y beca$se both are nonrationa%, noncon(entiona%,
nonortho!o1 4%e(e%s &i(e an! si15" An! these
'recon(entiona% an! 'rerationa% e%e#ents then c%ai#, as
the 'recon(entiona% st$!ents !i!, that they ha(e the
a$thority an! the bac*in) o& a 0hi)her0 state, +hen a%% they
are !oin), I# a&rai! I ha(e to conc%$!e, is rationa%i8in) their
o+n se%&/in(o%(e! stance" As Iac* En)%er 'ointe! o$t, they
are !ra+n to trans'ersona% #ysticis# as a +ay to
rationa%i8e 're'ersona% inc%inations" Its a c%assic 0're?trans
&a%%acy"0
I +o$%! a%so conc%$!e, +ith Wi%%ia# Ir+in Tho#'son, that
abo$t 20Q o& the ne+ a)e #o(e#ent is transrationa%
4transcen!enta% an! )en$ine%y #ystica%5, abo$t B0Q,
'rerationa% 4#a)ica% an! narcissistic5" 3o$ can $s$a%%y &in!
the trans'ersona% e%e#ents beca$se they !ont %i*e to be
ca%%e! 0ne+ a)e"0 Theres nothin) 0ne+0 abo$t the#, they
are 'erennia%"
In the &ie%! o& trans'ersona% 'sycho%o)y, +e are
constant%y ha(in) to !ea% as !e%icate%y an! as )ent%y as +e
can +ith the 're'ersona% tren!s, beca$se they )i(e the
entire &ie%! a 0&%a*y0 or 0)oo&y0 re'$tation" We are not
a)ainst 're'ersona% be%ie&s, +e .$st ha(e tro$b%e +hen +e
o$rse%(es are as*e! to e#brace these be%ie&s as i& they
+ere trans'ersona%"
O$r 0&%a*ier0 &rien!s )et rather #a! at $s, beca$se they
ten! to thin* that there are on%y t+o ca#'s in the +or%!-
rationa% an! nonrationa%, an! so +e sho$%! .oin +ith the#
against the rationa%istic ca#'" B$t there are in &act three
ca#'s- 'rerationa%, rationa%, an! transrationa%" Were
act$a%%y c%oser to the rationa%ists than to the 'rerationa%ists"
The hi)her %e(e%s transcen! b$t include the %o+er" S'irit is
trans%o)ic, not anti%o)ic, it e#braces %o)ic an! then )oes
beyon!, it !oesnt si#'%y re.ect %o)ic in the &irst '%ace"
E(ery trans'ersona% tenet has to stan! the test o& %o)ic, an!
then, b$t on%y then, #o(e beyon! it +ith its a!!e! insi)hts"
B$!!his# is an e1tre#e%y rationa% syste# that then
s$''%e#ents rationa%ity +ith int$iti(e a+areness" So#e o&
the 0&%a*y0 tren!s, I# a&rai!, are not beyon! %o)ic b$t
beneath it"
So +hat +e are tryin) to !o is tease a'art the )en$ine,
$ni(ersa%, 0%aboratory/teste!0 e%e#ents o& #ystica%
!e(e%o'#ent &ro# the #ore i!iosyncratic, #a)ica%, an!
narcissistic ten!encies" This is a !i&&ic$%t an! tric*y tas*,
an! +e !ont a%+ays )et it ri)ht" Lea!ers in this area are
Iac* En)%er, Danie% Bro+n, Ro)er Wa%sh, Wi%%ia# Ir+in
Tho#'son, an! Iere#y Hay+ar!"
B$t %et #e en! this !isc$ssion by rea&&ir#in) #y ori)ina%
'oint- in treatin) any !isease, #a*e e(ery e&&ort to
!eter#ine .$st +hich %e(e%s the (ario$s co#'onents o& the
!isease are co#in) &ro#, an! $se sa#e/%e(e% treat#ents to
!ea% +ith the#" I& yo$ )et the %e(e%s #ore or %ess ri)ht, yo$
+i%% )enerate action that has the hi)hest chance o& bein)
c$rati(e, i& yo$ )et the# +ron), yo$ +i%% )enerate on%y )$i%t
or !es'air"
5They're really :uite beautiful, aren't they6 , mean those
images, those ideas3 They seem to be ali#e, a%are3 *re
they65 , am actually as!ing the "igure a :uestion3
5Step this %ay please35
5Wait a minute3 (ouldn't , 8ust go in there6 This is
bi4arre, but, , don't !no%, it seems that all the ans%ers to
all the :uestions ,'#e e#er had are in that room3 , mean,
loo! at them, all those ideas ali#e3 (ome on, ,'m a
philosopher35 , am a%are ho% utterly silly that sounds3
5Well, any%ay,5 , continue, 5this is a once<in<a<lifetime
opportunity3 ,f ,'m going to get lost in a dream, you might
as %ell let me play it out35 , am actually saying that6 +o in
there6 *nd yet there they are, those ideas, so alluring, so
%illing to cooperate3 7ou must admit, , thin! to myself, you
don't find ideas li!e that 8ust any%here3
57ou are loo!ing for )strella, are you not65
5Treya6 What do you !no% about Treya6 Ha#e you seen
her65
5Step this %ay please35
5,'m not going any%here in this stupid place until you tell
me %hat's going on35
5-lease, you must come %ith me3 -lease35
As the ti#e a''roache! &or Treyas ne1t co#'%ete
'hysica%, I thin* +e +ere both s%i)ht%y a''rehensi(e, #ost%y
beca$se o& those o#ino$s !rea#s" Treya ha! a bone scan,
an! """ a%% c%ear9
I )ot the res$%ts o& #y one/year tests, the &irst ti#e
I(e )one a year +itho$t a rec$rrence9 I a# !e%i)hte!9 At
the sa#e ti#e, I a# not )oin) to &oc$s on .$st the
'hysica% %e(e%, beca$se i& I !e&ine hea%th that +ay, +hat
ha''ens i& a rec$rrence !oes ha''en< A# I then a
&ai%$re<
The &act is, #y %i&e &ee%s +ho%e an! hea%thy any+ay" I
&ee% so b%esse!" Han)in) o$t +ith ;en, reconnectin) +ith
the earth, +or*in) in #y s#a%% )ar!en, creatin) in )%ass
2 the '$rity o& the ne+%y born, the 'art I #ost !e%i)ht in,
the Treya, the artist, 'eace&$%, o& the earth" My roots )o
!ee' no+" " " "
I contin$e to !o #y circ%e o& %o(e (is$a%i8ation,
so#eti#es se(era% ti#es a !ay, in +hich I i#a)ine
#yse%& s$rro$n!e! by 'eo'%e +ho %o(e #e, breathin) in
their %o(e" At &irst this +as har! &or #e, b$t it has
beco#e easier an! easier" An! .$st t+o ni)hts a)o I ha!
a !rea#, by &ar the #ost 'ositi(e se%&/i#a)e !rea# I(e
e(er ha!" I !rea#t so#e &rien!s )a(e #e a bi) 'arty an!
e(eryone +as te%%in) #e ho+ +on!er&$% I +as" I see#e!
to ha(e no tro$b%e %ettin) a%% this in, no 'rotestations o&
#o!esty, no inner barriers sayin) e(en i& they thin* this
is so I !ont" No, I hear! it a%% an! %et it a%% into #y heart"
The #ost 'ositi(e !rea# I re#e#ber e(er ha(in)"
So#eti#es in #y circ%e o& %o(e (is$a%i8ation I i#a)ine
the %o(e aro$n! #e as a )o%!en %i)ht" Once, I +as
i#a)inin) a (ery rich, (ery )o%!en %i)ht aro$n! #e, then
I sa+ a thin b%$e %ine c%ose aro$n! #y bo!y an! rea%i8e!
that b%$e %i)ht +as #y sa!ness abo$t so#e o& the har!
ti#es ;en an! I ha(e ha! to )o thro$)h" S$!!en%y the
t+o %i)hts #i1e! an! create! a (ery bri)ht %i)ht, )reen,
(ibrant, e%ectric, (ery 'o+er&$%" =e%t bathe! in that
hea%in) %i)ht, &e%t %o(es 'resence insi!e #e rather than
o$tsi!e" =e%t that +o$%! be +ith #e &ore(er"
I ha(e se(era% a&&ir#ations" My 'resent one is- 0The
$ni(erse is $n&o%!in) 'er&ect%y"0 Tr$st is a%+ays #y iss$e,
an! contro%" This a&&ir#ation a%so he%'s beca$se it e(en
%ets #e o&& the hoo* &or the thin)s I !i!nt !o, beca$se
I(e %earne! &ro# the# in a +ay I%% ne(er &or)et"
I ca%% a%% o& this the i##$ne syste# o& s'irit" The T an!
B an! +hite ce%%s o& this syste# are 'ositi(e thin*in),
#e!itation, a&&ir#ations, san)ha, !har#a, co#'assion,
an! *in!ness" I& these &actors are +orth 20Q o& the
'hysica% !isease 'rocess, I +ant a%% 20Q9
The other #e!itation I !o no+ is ton)%en" When I &irst
starte! !oin) this a%#ost a year a)o, the &irst thin) that
ca#e $' +ith that +as +ith ;en an! Tahoe" I e1'ecte!
to &ee% sa! or an)ry or bitter, instea!, I &e%t on%y
co#'assion" Co#'assion &or a%% that ;en an! I +ent
thro$)h !$rin) that ti#e, &or o$r &i)hts, o$r str$))%es,
o$r &ear&$%ness" It s$r'rise! #e to &ee% that co#'assion,
that so&tness &or those t+o +o$n!e!, h$rtin), &ri)htene!
'eo'%e, !oin) the best they *ne+ ho+" Ton)%en see#e!
to ha(e c%eane! a%% o& the bitterness o$t" No+ +hen I
'ractice it, it )i(es #e a sense o& !ee' connection +ith
a%% bein)s" I no %on)er &ee% sin)%e! o$t, I no %on)er &ee%
a%one" =ear is re'%ace! +ith a !ee' 'eace an! ca%#"
An! so#eti#es I .$st sit, %i*e in Len, +ith a sense o&
o'enness an! s'acio$sness, into the s*y" I a%+ays co#e
bac* to S$8$*i Roshis a''roach 2 that I &ee% !ra+n to
#e!itate as a +ay o& e1'ressin) so#ethin) insi!e #e,
so#ethin) that &ee%s a&&ir#e! by #y #a*in) an o&&erin)
o& #y ti#e an! #y attention" It &ee%s %i*e a )i&t I )i(e to
so#e )reater 'o+er" So I sit +ith that attit$!e o& #a*in)
an o&&erin) that both satis&ies an! a&&ir#s so#e
#ysterio$s 'art o& #yse%& that I cannot !escribe" Any
chan)es that co#e are not so$)ht a&ter, not %oo*e! &or"
I& nothin) chan)es, &ine" The o&&erin) re#ains, an! a
sense o& 'eace co#es +ith #a*in) that o&&erin)"
So, ho+ !o I &ee% abo$t cancer< I sti%% ha(e occasiona%
&%ashes o& +hat it +o$%! be %i*e to be in a hos'ita% a)ain,
tho$)hts o& 0+o$%! I !o che#o a)ain i& it ca#e to that<,0
b$t I# not obsessin) abo$t it at a%%" Cancer has beco#e
#ore o& a bac*)ro$n! 'resence" B$t I !ont rea! any o&
that as a 0si)n,0 one +ay or the other" I(e hear! too
#any stories o& 'eo'%e +ho(e #a!e it 'ast &i(e years,
+ho tho$)ht they +ere c$re!, an! +ho then !isco(ere!
so#ethin) %i*e bone #etastases" Sti%%, its nice that its
no %on)er a %oo#in), o#ino$s 'resence"
In the i##e!iate #onths a&ter the 'hysica%, Treya an! I
be)an, &or the &irst ti#e in three years, to &ee% that o$r %i&e
#i)ht act$a%%y ret$rn to so#ethin) rese#b%in) nor#a%" We
+ere (ery ha''y abo$t this, +e %et o$r ho'es rise $' )ent%y
to &ace the &$t$re" In a!!ition to +ritin), I ha! be)$n
#e!itatin) a)ain, co#binin) #y Len trainin) +ith the
ton)%en an! Deity yo)a )i(en by ;a%$ Rin'oche"
7artic$%ar%y !$e to the ton)%en, I be)an to sto' bein)
a&rai! o& #y &ear, o& #y an1iety, o& #y !e'ression" Each
ti#e a 'ain&$% or &ear&$% state arose, I +o$%! breathe in
!ee'%y +ith the tho$)ht, 0May I ta*e a%% s$ch &ear into
#yse%&,0 an! then I +o$%! re%ease it on the o$tbreath" I
be)an to ste' into #y o+n states, an! not a%+ays recoi%
&ro# the# in &ear or an)er or annoyance" I +as, in e&&ect,
!i)estin) #y o+n 'ain&$% e1'eriences, e1'eriences &ro# the
%ast three years that at the ti#e I co$%! not or +o$%! not
!i)est"
Treya an! I s'ent Christ#as in Lare!o, as +e ha! &or the
%ast &o$r years" It +as a %o(e%y ti#e, e(erybo!y #a*in) Ne+
3ears reso%$tions +ith the ha''y tho$)ht o& Treyas c%ear
hea%th in #in!"
When Treya an! I ret$rne! to Bo$%!er, she notice! that a
'artic$%ar%y annoyin) +a(iness in her %e&t (is$a% &ie%! +o$%!
not )o a+ay" She ha! been noticin) this on an! o&& &or a
#onth or so, b$t it beca#e #ore an! #ore insistent"
We sa+ o$r onco%o)ist in Den(er, +ho arran)e! &or her
to ha(e a hi)h/!ensity CAT scan o& the brain" I +as sittin) in
the +aitin) roo# +hen the !octor ca#e in an! '$%%e! #e
asi!e"
0It %oo*s %i*e there are t+o or three t$#ors in her brain"
One o& the# is >$ite %ar)e, 'erha's three centi#eters"
Were )oin) to scan her %$n)s as +e%%"0
0Ha(e yo$ to%! Treya yet<0 The shoc* has not set in" I a#
!isc$ssin) so#ebo!y e%se, not Treya"
0No, I ha(ent" Lets +ait ti%% the %$n) 'ict$res co#e $'"0
I sit !o+n an! stare b%an*%y into s'ace" Brain t$#ors<
'rain t$#ors< Brain t$#ors " " " are " " " serio$s"
0She has t$#ors thro$)ho$t both %$n)s, 'ossib%y a !o8en
a%to)ether" I# as shoc*e! by this as yo$ are" I thin* it
+o$%! be best to te%% her in #y o&&ice to#orro+ #ornin)"
7%ease !ont say anythin) to her no+" I +ant to ha(e a%% the
in&or#ation rea!y &or her"0
I a# so shoc*e!, so &rostbitten, that I !ont thin* to say,
0Hey +ait a #in$te, +e !ont !o it %i*e that" I# )oin) to te%%
her ri)ht no+" We ne#er !o that *in! o& b$%%shit"0 No, I
n$#b%y no! #y hea! an! say, 0What< Oh, yeah, s$re, O;"0
The !ri(e ho#e is horren!o$s"
0I rea%%y !ont thin* its anythin)" I &ee% c%ear, I &ee% >$ite
)oo!, rea%%y" Its 'robab%y .$st re%ate! to the !iabetes" Were
)oin) to ha(e a )oo! %i&e to)ether, honey, !ont %oo* so
+orrie!" What !o yo$ thin*<0
What I thin* is that I a# )oin) to *i%% that !octor" I +ant
to te%% Treya, b$t no+ its )one too &ar" I a# 'hysica%%y
na$seate! at +hat this #eans &or her, at +hat she +i%% ha(e
to en!$re" 6o!, i& on%y ton)%en rea%%y +or*e!9 I +o$%! c%ose
#y eyes an! breathe her %i*e%y !eath into #e +ith s$ch
&orce I +o$%! (anish on the s'ot, ta*in) that !a#n !isease
+ith #e into the cos#ic (oi!" Both #y %o(e &or Treya an!
#y hatre! o& that !octor +ent to in&inite 'ro'ortions
si#$%taneo$s%y" I *e't #$tterin) thin)s %i*e, 0I# s$re
e(erythin) +i%% be &ine"0
When +e )ot ho#e, I +ent in the bathroo# an! thre+
$'" That e(enin) +e +ent to see a #o(ie 2 o& a%% thin)s,
"atal *ttraction" When +e )ot bac*, Treya ca%%e! the !octor
an! )ot the ne+s"
My &irst reaction +as ra)e9 Abso%$te, tota%, co#'%ete,
o(er+he%#in) ra)e9 An! tota%%y shoc*e!9 Ho+ co$%! this
ha''en9 I(e !one e(erythin) ri)ht9 Ho+ co$%! this
ha''en9 Da#n9 Da#n9 Da#n9 Da#n9 Da#n9 I !i!nt &ee%
&ear" I +asnt 'artic$%ar%y a&rai! o& +hat this #eant" I +as
si#'%y &$rio$s" I be)an *ic*in) *itchen cabinets,
thro+in) thin)s, ye%%in)" Enra)e!, o$tra)e!" I +as not
abo$t to %et )o o& #y an)er" It +as the ri)ht res'onse"
I# 'isse! at this, I +ant to &i)ht9 In #y (is$a%i8ations,
the +hite *ni)hts t$rne! into &$rio$s 'iranhas"
We ca%%e! &a#i%y an! &rien!s, an! then the ne1t !ay
Treya an! I be)an a &$rio$s an! intensi(e search &or any
treat#ents, any+here, that ha! any chance o& han!%in) a
case this a))ressi(e an! this a!(ance!" Treya serio$s%y
consi!ere! a%#ost t+o !o8en a''roaches, inc%$!in)
B$r8yns*i, Re(ici, B$rton, the Ian*er ;%ini* 46er#any5,
;e%%ey?6on8a%es, A#erican Bio%o)ies, Li(in)ston/Whee%er,
Hans Nie'er 46er#any5, the Steiner L$cas C%inic
4S+it8er%an!5, 6erson 4Me1ico5"
A&ter the an)er, I +ent thro$)h a 'erio! o& a &e+ !ays
o& resi)nation an! sa!ness" I +o$%! sob $ncontro%%ab%y in
;ens ar#s, &or ho$rs on en!" I &e%t %i*e I +as tota%%y
&a%%in) a'art, so#ethin) I ha!nt &e%t &or years" Re)ret,
se%&/b%a#e, I co$%! ha(e !one #ore, !i! I !o eno$)h< I
tho$)ht o& thin)s I +o$%! #iss- art, s*iin), )ro+in) o%!
+ith &a#i%y an! &rien!s, ;en, ;ens chi%!" I +ant so #$ch
to )ro+ o%! +ith a%% #y +on!er&$% &rien!s" I !ont e(en
%i*e to +rite this !o+n 2 I%% ne(er be ab%e to ha(e ;ens
chi%!" ;en 2 I +ant to be +ith hi# in %i&e, I !ont +ant to
!esert hi#" I +ant to c$!!%e +ith hi# &or years" He%% be
a%one, +i%% he &in! so#ebo!y< He #ay )o into ;a%$s
three/year retreat, that #a*es #e &ee% )oo!"
I &ee% %i*e I ha(e .$st been born, an! no+ I a# not
s$''ose! to be here"
The choices narro+e! !o+n to a &e+- stan!ar! A#erican
treat#ent, +hich +as #ore A!ria#ycin, a))ressi(e
A#erican treat#ent, reco##en!e! by B%oo#enschein, an!
e1tre#e%y a))ressi(e treat#ent, o&&ere! by the Ian*er
;%ini* in 6er#any" The &irst o'tion +as o$t%ine! by Dr" Dic*
Cohen, a )oo! &rien! o& Aic*y an! CSCs, +ho
reco##en!e! a 'ro)ra# that inc%$!e! %o+/!ose, %on)/ter#
A!ria#ycin +ith an a(era)e treat#ent &ai%$re o& &o$rteen
#onths" B$t Treya si#'%y !i! not +ant to !o #ore A!ria,
not beca$se she co$%!nt han!%e it, b$t beca$se, &or
'ersona% reasons, she &e%t it +asnt e&&ecti(e a)ainst her
cancer"
The Ian*er ;%ini* is +or%! &a#o$s &or its short/ter#, hi)h/
!ose che#othera'y, +hich is so a))ressi(e that 'eo'%e
so#eti#es ha(e to be *e't on %i&e/s$''ort syste#s" The
;%ini* )ets in the ne+s e(ery no+ an! then &or treatin)
'eo'%e %i*e Bob Mar%ey an! 3$% Brynner" 7$b%ishe! 4b$t
nonscienti&ic5 re'orts )i(e the Ian*er an incre!ib%e @0Q
re#ission rate, a%% the #ore a#a8in) in that #ost 'eo'%e )o
there as a %ast resort" A#erican !octors c%ai# that the
re#issions are e1tre#e%y short/%i(e!, an! that +hen the
cancer ret$rns it is >$ic*%y &ata%"
B%oo#enschein )a(e Treya a series o& reco##en!ations
that, basica%%y, any Centra% A#erican !ictator +o$%!
consi!er cr$e% an! $n$s$a%" He en!e! by sayin), 0I be) yo$,
!ear, !ont )o to 6er#any"0 B$t he +as on%y )i(in) $s the
)ri# statistics &or a case %i*e Treyas- #aybe a year, #aybe
+ith %$c*"
1+
But 0isten to 2hose Birds Sin"-
EDITH" Hi, its ;en Wi%ber"0
0;en9 Ho+ are yo$< It is so )oo! to hear yo$r (oice"0
0E!ith, I# sorry to say +e(e ha! so#e ba! ne+s" Treya
has ha! a (ery ba! rec$rrence, this ti#e to the %$n)s an! to
the brain"0
0Oh, ho+ a+&$%" Oh, I a# so, so sorry"0
0E!ith, yo$re ne(er )oin) to )$ess +here I# ca%%in)
&ro#" An! E!ith, +e co$%! $se so#e he%'"0
We%%, I cant be%ie(e I(e been in the hos'ita% ten !ays
an! I sti%% ha(ent starte! che#othera'y" We arri(e! in
Bonn on Mon!ay, +ent o$t to !inner Mon!ay ni)ht, an!
T$es!ay #ornin) I starte! &ee%in) stran)e, chec*e! into
the ;%ini* T$es!ay a&ternoon" By then I ha! a terrib%e,
terrib%e chest co%!, +ith a te#'erat$re o& :0C"M" I# sti%%
not >$ite o(er it, an! they cant start che#othera'y $nti%
I a#, beca$se o& ris* o& 'ne$#onia, an! so this has
#eant a !e%ay o& a%#ost t+o +ee*s"
My &irst ni)ht here, I +as in a roo# +ith t+o other
+o#en, both 6er#an" Aery nice %a!ies, neither s'o*e
En)%ish" B$t one o& the# snore! a%% ni)ht, an! the other
%a!y see#e! to thin* that i& she .$st s'o*e #ore 6er#an
I #i)ht $n!erstan!, so she *e't thro+in) a%% these
6er#an +or!s at #e, chatterin) a+ay constant%y, she
e(en ta%*e! to herse%&, on an! o&& a%% ni)ht"
So#eho+ Dr" Schee&, the hea! o& the ;%ini*, #ana)e!
to &in! a sin)%e roo# &or #e 4there are on%y t+o or three
in the entire ;%ini*5, an! I ha(e been in se(enth hea(en
e(er since" Its s#a%%, its abso%$te%y tiny FB 1 :HG, b$t
its +on!er&$%"
I(e been s$r'rise! that so &e+ o& the n$rses s'ea*
any En)%ish" A &e+ s'ea* so#e En)%ish, none are &%$ent,
#ost s'ea* no En)%ish +hatsoe(er" I# a %itt%e asha#e! I
!ont s'ea* 6er#an, I e1'%ain to 'eo'%e that I s'ea*
=rench an! S'anish as a +ay o& a'o%o)i8in) &or #y tota%
%ac* o& 6er#an"
The &irst e(enin) I +as here the ta%*ati(e 6er#an
%a!y too* ;en an! #e !o+n to the ca&eteria, !inner is
ser(e! &ro# H-HK to K-C0" The &oo! is atrocio$s" Most o&
the ti#e, brea*&ast an! !inner, they ser(e co%! c$ts 2
s%ices o& cheese, s%ices o& ha#, s%ices o& #eat, s%ices o&
sa$sa)e, '%$s (ario$s +heat brea!s, +hich are o&&/%i#its
beca$se o& !iabetes" Occasiona%%y &or %$nch they ser(e
hot, coo*e! #eat an! 'otatoes" Thats the e1tent o& the
(ariety here" With #y !iet, I a# a%%o+e! none o& it" What
is it abo$t hos'ita% &oo! the +or%! o(er< ;en +on!ere!
a%o$! .$st +ho *i%%s #ore 'eo'%e, hos'ita% !octors or
hos'ita% coo*s<
That &irst e(enin) in the ca&eteria there +as an
attracti(e yo$n)er +o#an +ho ha! a rea%%y nice +i) on
+ith a %o(e%y ca' o(er it" She s'o*e a %itt%e En)%ish, so I
as*e! her abo$t her +i), *no+in) I +o$%! soon nee! one
#yse%&" I a%so as*e! her the 6er#an na#e &or cancer,
beca$se I ha!nt been ab%e to co##$nicate e(en that
%itt%e bit" She to%! #e it +as $uet4e" So then I as*e! her,
!oes e(eryone here ha(e M$et8e< An! she sai! yes,
)est$rin) to a%% the other 'eo'%e in the !inin) roo#" I
as*e! her, +hat *in! o& M$et8e !o yo$ ha(e< An! she
sai!, I ha(e a +hite one an! a b%$e one" I sat there,
st$nne!, !i!nt say anythin), co$%! not &i)$re this one
o$t" It +asnt $nti% the ne1t !ay that I !isco(ere! that
$uet4e is the +or! &or hat or ca'" The +or! &or cancer is
Krebs"
Both Treya an! I ha! e1'ecte!, &ro# an artic%e +e ha!
rea!, that Bonn +o$%! be !reary, )ri#y, in!$stria%" B$t the
on%y thin) )%oo#y abo$t Bonn +as the +eather" Other+ise
it is a %o(e%y an! in #any +ays >$ite bea$ti&$% city 2
6er#anys !i'%o#atic center, +ith a s'ectac$%ar Do# or
cathe!ra%, b$i%t in :@2B, an i#'osin) an! i#'ressi(e
$ni(ersity, a h$)e &entrum or !o+nto+n #a%%, stretchin)
'erha's thirty b%oc*s 4a%% o&&/%i#its to cars5, an! the
#a)ni&icent Rhine .$st a short +a%* a+ay"
The rai%+ay station or Hauptbahnbof +as one b%oc* &ro#
the ;%ini*, +hich +as one b%oc* &ro# the Hote%
;$r&$erstenho&, +here I staye!, +hich +as ri)ht on the e!)e
o& the Lentr$#" A %ar)e an! )or)eo$s 'ar* ri!)e! the +ho%e
to+n" In the center o& the Lentr$# +as the $ar!tplat4,
+here each !ay the %oca% &ar#ers bro$)ht the #ost
#a)ni&icent (ariety o& &resh &r$its an! (e)etab%es an!
!is'%aye! the# &or sa%e in a %ar)e, o'en, bric*/co(ere! area
that +as 'erha's &o$r s>$are b%oc*s in si8e" At one en! o&
the Lentr$# +as the ho$se, b$i%t in :@20, +here Beetho(en
+as born" At the other en! +as the Ha$'tbahnho&, the
;%ini*, an! the ;$r&$erstenho&" In bet+een +as e(ery
i#a)inab%e *in! o& sho' 2 resta$rants, bars, hea%th &oo!
stores, !e'art#ent stores a b%oc* %on) an! &o$r stories
hi)h, s'ortin) )oo! stores, #$se$#s, c%othin) stores, art
)a%%eries, !r$) stores, an! se1 sho's 46er#an 'orno)ra'hy
bein) the en(y o& E$ro'e5" E(erythin), in other +or!s, &ro#
the Rhine to the hote%, +ithin +a%*in) !istance, or, at any
rate, hi*in) !istance"
I +o$%! s'en! the ne1t &o$r #onths +a%*in) the bric*/
'a(e! 'aths an! roa!s o& the Lentr$#, )ettin) to *no+ any
cabbie, +aitress, or #erchant +ho s'o*e En)%ish" They a%%
be)an to &o%%o+ Treyas story, as*in) a&ter her any ti#e I
sa+ the# 2 0Dn!t ho+ iss !ear Trey/yah<0 2 #any co#in)
to (isit her in the ;%ini* +ith &%o+ers or can!ies" Treya sai!
she ha! the &ee%in) that ha%& o& Bonn +as &o%%o+in) her
'ro)ress"
An! it +as in Bonn that I +o$%! ha(e #y &ina% crisis o&
acce'tance o& Treyas sit$ation an! o& #y ro%e as a s$''ort
'erson" I ha! %abore! har! 2 &ro# Sey#o$r to ton)%en 2 to
!i)est an! +or* thro$)h an! acce't the !i&&ic$%t ti#es that
+e ha! both en!$re!" B$t I sti%% ha! a &e+ !ee'%y
$nreso%(e! iss$es, iss$es abo$t #y o+n choices an! #y
o+n ba! &aith, an! iss$es 4no %on)er !eniab%e5 abo$t
Treyas 'ossib%e !eath" It a%% ca#e to a hea! in a three/!ay
'erio! !$rin) +hich I see#e! to crac* +i!e o'en" My heart
.$st bro*e, bro*e &or Treya, bro*e &or #e"
In the #eanti#e, +e set $' sho'" O$r i##e!iate
'rob%e# +as Treyas chest co%!, +hich +as se(ere%y
co#'%icatin) the sit$ation" The ;%ini* s'ecia%i8es in )i(in)
ra!iation an! che#othera'y conc$rrent%y, be%ie(in) that it
!e%i(ers a !o$b%e *noc*o$t '$nch" The chest co%! 're(ente!
the a!#inistration o& che#othera'y beca$se o& %i*e%y
'ne$#onia" In the States, Treya ha! been to%! that the
brain t$#or, $ntreate!, +o$%! *i%% her in si1 #onths" The
;%ini* ha! to !o so#ethin), an! !o it (ery >$ic*%y, an! so
they 'rocee!e! +ith ra!iation a%one, +aitin) &or her
te#'erat$re to !ro' an! her +hite b%oo! co$nts to rise"
I +an!ere! aro$n! in a bit o& a !a8e &or the ne1t
three !ays beca$se #y te#'erat$re +as so hi)h" They
ha! starte! #e on s$%&a#i!e, b$t it +as s%o+ to +or*"
;en he%'e! #e +a%* $' an! !o+n the ha%%+ays, an!
coo*e! &or #e in #y roo#, an! ran inter&erence" He
sho''e! &or &resh (e)etab%es in the Mar*t/'%at8 each
#ornin)" He )ot a hot '%ate, a co&&ee 'ot 4to #a*e so$'5,
an!, best o& a%%, an e1ercise bi*e 4&or #y !iabetes5" He
bro$)ht #e %itt%e '%ants, an! &%o+ers, an! crosses &or #y
shrine" With the &oo! an! &%o+ers an! shrine an! bi*e,
#y roo# +as &$%%9 A%% an! a%% I +as +ea* an! !i88y, b$t
re%ati(e%y contente!"
We )%eane! &ro# Schee& that I +i%% contin$e the
hy'erther#ia an! ra!iation to the brain, +hich is
'ain%ess an! ta*es abo$t a ha%& ho$r each !ay" Once +e
start the hi)h/!ose che#othera'y, abo$t +hich +e ha(e
hear! so #$ch 4none o& it '%easant5, the treat#ents +i%%
%ast &or &i(e !ays" On !ay ei)ht or nine #y bo!y +i%%
reach its %o+ 'oint" I& #y b%oo! co$nt is $n!er :000, I
nee! to be in the ;%ini*, i& its $n!er :00, I%% nee! bone
#arro+ in.ections" On !ay &i&teen, they%% chec* the brain
t$#or an! the %$n) t$#ors +ith a CAT scan or NMR to
see the res$%ts" I%% ha(e t+o or three +ee*s o&& bet+een
treat#ents, o& +hich there +i%% be three"
Dn!er the stress o& the hi)h &e(er an! chest in&ection,
Treyas 'ancreas cease! 'ro!$cin) any ins$%in at a%%"
;en an! I are +a%*in) so s%o+%y !o+n the ha%% beca$se
I a# &ee%in) so !i88y an! so sic*" My te#'erat$re is hi)h
an! #y b%oo! s$)ar is soarin)" I s'ent abo$t &i(e !ays,
o(er ;ens na))in) ob.ections, tryin) to han!%e #y b%oo!
s$)ar +ith e1ercise on the bi*e" B$t e(en the bi*e !i!nt
!o the tric*" I %ost ei)ht 'o$n!s, ei)ht 'o$n!s I co$%! i%%
a&&or! to %ose" Lyin) on #y si!e +as 'ain&$% beca$se #y
hi' '$she! thro$)h #y s*in" This &rea*e! #e o$t" Thin)s
!ont a%+ays #o(e &ast aro$n! here" ;en #a!e so#e
(ery bi) +a(es, an! they &ina%%y '$t #e on ins$%in" I
starte! eatin), tryin) to )ain this +ei)ht bac*"
As I +as tryin) to a!.$st #y ins$%in !ose, I ha! #y
&irst ins$%in reaction" My heart starte! 'o$n!in), #y
bo!y +as sha*in), an! +hen I chec*e! #y b%oo! it +as
K0" Ins$%in b%ac*o$t or con($%sions can set in at 2K" ;en
than* 6o! +as there, an! since +e cant rea%%y
co##$nicate +ith the n$rses, he ran !o+n to the
ca&eteria an! )ot so#e s$)ar c$bes" I chec*e! #y b%oo!
a)ain, it +as CC" B$t t+enty #in$tes %ater it +as $' to
K0, then E@" Ah, the $'s an! !o+ns o& %i&e in roo#
22B" " " "
The !ays !ra))e! on an! on an! on, +aitin) &or the
in&ection to s$bsi!e" An! in the bac*)ro$n! constant%y +as
the tho$)ht o& the notorio$s 0*i%%er che#othera'y0 %yin) yet
ahea!, the +ho%e thin) #a!e a%% the #ore o#ino$s by not
bein) ab%e to &ace it e1ce't in i#a)ination, a stran)e H" 7"
Lo(ecra&t at#os'here +here the #onster is a%+ays
#entione!, ne(er seen" ;ati arri(e! .$st in ti#e to ta*e $'
so#e o& the tension, an! 'ro(e! an abso%$te )o!sen!" With
;atis he%', both Treya an! I ret$rne! to a #eas$re o&
e>$ani#ity an! e(en h$#or" Sore%y nee!e!9
An! then there +as E!ith" I #et her on the ste's o& the
;%ini* an! too* her $' to roo# 22B" It +as %o(e at &irst si)ht,
I thin*, so#ethin) e(en I ha! not been accor!e!" They
i##e!iate%y %atche! on to each other, as i& a ti)ht
&rien!shi' ha! a%rea!y been sea%e!" B$t I ha! seen this
ha''en so o&ten in the 'ast" More than once I ha! &o$n!
#yse%& a%#ost instant%y in the bac*)ro$n!, as my )oo!
&rien!s &e%% in %o(e +ith Treya" 0Li*e, I# her h$sban!, I# a
)oo! &rien! o& hers, yo$ *no+, honest" I can arran)e !inner
+ith her i& yo$ %i*e"0
We +o$%! s'en! #any a !e%i)ht&$% occasion +ith E!ith
an! her h$sban! Ro%&, a rather &a#o$s 'o%itica% theorist to
+ho# I too* an i##e!iate %i*in)" Ro%& +as e(erythin) I
a!#ire! in the best o& the 0E$ro'ean0 #an- c$%t$re!, +itty,
bri%%iant, +i!e%y rea! in a%% &ie%!s, (ery 'o+er&$% in his
*no+%e!)e, (ery )ent%e in his bein)" B$t #ost o& a%% it +as
E!iths 'resence that #a!e thin)s so #$ch better, an! a%%
o& o$r &a#i%y an! &rien!s +ho #et her i##e!iate%y re%a1e!
an! sto''e! +orryin) abo$t $s *i!s %ost in 6er#any 2 E!ith
+as there9
*s , am being gently pulled do%n the hall to%ard the
fourth room, , %onder ho% this "igure can seem to be
tugging at my arm, since in e#ery other %ay it seems to be
only an absence, a nothing3 Ho% does a nothing pull at a
something6 ;nless > and the thought startles me >
5What do you see65
5What6 $e6 What do , see65 , slo%ly peer into the room3
, already !no% , %ill see something %eird3 'ut %hat , see is
not so much %eird as breathta!ing, absolutely
breathta!ing3 , stand for minutes in sheer childli!e %onder3
5*nd no% %e %ill go in, yes65
Sti%% no che#othera'y, b$t rea%%y its o!!" Here I a#
.$st %yin) in the hos'ita% +aitin) an! I !ont see# to ha(e
eno$)h ti#e to !o anythin)9 Write %etters, rea! no(e%s,
rea! #y s'irit$a% boo*s 2 ri)ht no+ its Ste'hen Le(ines
Healing into Life and Death 2 !o #y #e!itation, !o #y
bicyc%in), ans+er #ai%, +rite in #y .o$rna%, (isit +ith ;en
an! ;ati an! E!ith, (isit +ith the other A#ericans, !o #y
art +or*" Its *in! o& ri!ic$%o$s" I$st 'ro(es that theres
ne(er eno$)h ti#e" Which )i(es #e a *in! o& &$nny
&ee%in) +hen I thin* o& that, beca$se certain%y I# not
)oin) to ha(e eno$)h ti#e in this %i&e" I &ee% (ery 'ositi(e
at ti#es, an! then at other ti#es I &ee% >$ite &ri)htene!
that this co$%! be it, I co$%! !ie +ithin the year"
I .$st +a%*e! o$t o& #y roo# an! ca#e across a
b$nch o& 'eo'%e +ho +ere a%% teary/eye! an! cryin)"
Who *no+s +hat *in! o& ba! ne+s they )ot, abo$t their
re%ati(e or &rien!" It .$st see#s so sa!" One yo$n) #an
e#bracin) a +o#an +ho co$%! ha(e been his +i&e or
)ir%&rien!, both +ith re! s+o%%en eyes" Another +o#an
o(er by the tab%e e#bracin) a +o#an in a )reen robe,
#aybe shes the one +hos sic*, both o& the# cryin)"
Three other 'eo'%e sittin) aro$n! the tab%e, a%% +ith re!
s+o%%en eyes" The &irst nob%e tr$th- there is s$&&erin)"
I &inishe! rea!in) that /e%s%ee! iss$e on the ri)ht to
!ie" Its been so#ethin) thats intereste! #e &or a %on)
ti#e, e(en be&ore I )ot cancer" Beca$se o& a%% the ti#e,
e1'ense, an! s$&&erin) 2 rea% s$&&erin) 2 in(o%(e! in
*ee'in) 'eo'%e a%i(e +ith heroic #eas$res, *ee'in)
the# a%i(e b$t not %i(in) in a +ay that #a*es %i&e +orth
%i(in)" I !o ho'e +hen #y ti#e co#es that I can !ie in
the hos'ice +ay +itho$t incre!ib%e %i&e/s$''ort #eas$res
an! +ith the 'ain $n!er contro%" I +as sayin) to ;en the
other !ay that I #i)ht as* Schee& &or so#e 'i%%s .$st to
ha(e aro$n!, .$st to *no+ theyre there"
I +ant #y +i%% to %i(e to be stron), I +ant to )et as
#$ch ti#e o$t o& this as I can, an! so I nee! to +or* at
that +ith co#'%ete &oc$s an! !e!ication an! c%arity an!
concentration an! ri)ht e&&ort, an! yet at the sa#e ti#e
be co#'%ete%y $nattache! to the res$%ts either +ay" 7ain
is not '$nish#ent, !eath is not a &ai%$re, %i&e is not a
re+ar!"
6ot a nice %etter &ro# Ly!ia" She sai! so#ethin) that
rea%%y to$che! #e" 0I& the Lor! ca%%s yo$, i& yo$ are
#eant to !o that, I *no+ yo$ +i%% !o that a%so +ith
)race"0 I& I !ont #a*e it, I +i%% !o that +ith )race" I !o
ho'e so" A)ain, I so#eti#es &ee% that those aro$n! #e
+i%% .$!)e #y s$ccess or &ai%$re !e'en!in) on ho+ %on) I
%i(e, rather than on ho+ I %i(e" O& co$rse I +ant to %i(e a
%on) ti#e, b$t i& its short, I !ont +ant to be .$!)e! a
&ai%$re" So it +as rea%%y nice that she sai! that"
I(e starte! a 'ro)ra# o& #e!itation at %east t+ice a
!ay, (i'assana in the #ornin) an! ton)%en?Chenre8i in
the a&ternoon" I# tryin) to !o (is$a%i8ation three ti#es a
!ay" Ri)ht no+, I# !oin) this .$st to0 'ro(e to #yse%&
that I# not too %a8y to !o so#ethin) that #i)ht he%'" It
stren)thens #y con(iction that I# in this &or the %on)
ha$% 2 b$t a)ain, ho'e&$%%y +itho$t attach#ent to res$%ts"
To si#'%y stren)then #y o+n &aith in #yse%&, to honor
#y o+n s'irit, to #a*e an o&&erin)"
As !i&&ic$%t as the circ$#stances +ere, +ithin a +ee* o&
o$r arri(a% in Bonn, Treya ha! once a)ain re)aine! her
stea!y an! e(en .oy&$% e>$ani#ity, +hich +as &re>$ent%y
co##ente! on by the !octors an! n$rses an! her (ario$s
(isitors" 7eo'%e be)an han)in) o$t in her roo#, .$st to be
aro$n! the !e%i)ht she see#e! to )enerate" It +as
so#eti#es har! to &in! ti#e to be a%one +ith her9
Its a#a8in) to #e ho+ >$ic*%y I bo$nce bac* &ro#
ba! ne+s, ho+ rea!y I a# to be +ith +hat is" The
#e!itation, no !o$bt" The &irst +ee* a&ter I )ot the ba!
ne+s I .$st &e%% a'art" I %et e(erythin) co#e $' that
+ante! to co#e $' 2 an)er, &ear, ra)e, sa!ness" It a%%
see#e! to +ash thro$)h #e an! then o$t o& #e, an! I
ret$rne! to si#'%y bein) +ith +hat is" I& this is +hat is,
then this is +hat is" It &ee%s %i*e acce'tance, not
resi)nation, b$t +ho can *no+ &or s$re< A# I *i!!in)
#yse%&< That sa#e s#a%% (oice sayin), Treya, yo$ sho$%!
be +orrie!" B$t its a 'a%e (oice, it see#s" Its there, b$t
its ha(in) a har! ti#e )ettin) an a$!ience"
An! the &act is, I &ee% so incre!ib%y b%esse! 2 b%esse!
+ith #y &a#i%y, b%esse! +ith #y h$sban!, b%esse! +ith
#y +on!er&$% &rien!s" I .$st cant be%ie(e ho+ 'er&ect #y
%i&e is9 E1ce't &or this !a#n cancer"
I to%! ;en that I cant $n!erstan! it #yse%&, b$t #y
#oo! is e1ce%%ent, #y s'irits are )oo!, I# en.oyin) %i&e, I
%i*e hearin) the bir!s sin) o$tsi!e #y +in!o+, I %o(e
(isitin) +ith a%% the 'eo'%e in the ;%ini*" I !ont ha(e
eno$)h ti#e to !o e(erythin)" I %oo* &or+ar! to the !ay, I
!ont +ant it to en!" I !ont $n!erstan! it9 I *no+ I #ay
not %i(e o$t the year" B$t .$st %isten to those bir!s sin)9
=ina%%y +e )ot +or! that the che#othera'y +o$%! be)in
on Mon!ay" On the !ay o& the treat#ent, I sat a+*+ar!%y on
the e1ercise bi*e, ;ati in the corner" Treya +as >$ite
re%a1e!" The ye%%o+ &%$i! be)an to !ri' s%o+%y into her ar#"
Ten #in$tes 'asse!" Nothin)" T+enty #in$tes" Nothin)"
Thirty #in$tes" Nothin)" I !ont *no+ +hat +e e1'ecte!,
#aybe that she +o$%! e1'%o!e or so#ethin), so horri&yin)
+ere the stories +e ha! been &e! in the States" I$st the
+ee* be&ore 'eo'%e ha! be)$n ca%%in) +ith 0)oo!bye0
+ishes, a%% con(ince! the treat#ent +o$%! *i%% her" An! in
&act, this %as a (ery a))ressi(e an! 'o+er&$% treat#ent,
'eo'%es +hite b%oo! co$nts so#eti#es )o to 8ero9 B$t the
;%ini* has !e(e%o'e! e>$a%%y 'o+er&$% 0resc$e0 !r$)s that
#iti)ate #ost o& the 'rob%e#s" This, o& co$rse, o$r
A#erican !octors ne)%ecte! to te%% $s" Treya !eci!e! it +as
a 'iece o& ca*e an! be)an ca%#%y eatin) her %$nch"
We%%, its no+ so#e ho$rs a&ter the &irst treat#ent,
an! I &ee% &ine9 I &ee% a %itt%e s%ee'y beca$se o& the
antina$sea #e!ication, b$t I cannot be%ie(e ho+ #$ch
easier it is than A!ria#ycin" I +as eatin) +hi%e the
che#othera'y +as !ri''in) into #e" " " "
I ha! #y secon! treat#ent to!ay an! once a)ain I
&ee% abso%$te%y &ine" Be)an e1ercisin) &i&ty #in$tes on
#y bi*e" I thin* they(e )ot this resc$e/!r$) ro$tine
!o+n 'at" Bra(o &or the#" Bra(o9 Bra(o9 Bra(o9 B$t I a#
'isse! at a%% the A#erican !octors +ho, +itho$t *no+in)
anythin) abo$t this treat#ent, &i%%e! o$r hea!s +ith
sa!istic i#a)es" Oh +e%%, a%%s +e%% that en!s +e%%, I
s$''ose" An! the &act is, I &ee% >$ite nor#a%, >$ite
hea%thy" This is a cinch9
Ian*er ;%ini*
March 2M, :EBB
Dear &rien!s,
I cannot than* each o& yo$ eno$)h &or yo$r +on!er&$%
an! in(enti(e car!s an! %etters an! 'hone ca%%s """ it &ee%s
+on!er&$% to &ee% so s$''orte!, sort o& %i*e &%oatin) in a
!e%icio$s%y +ar#, soothin), caressin) ocean" Each car!
an! each ca%% a!!s to the +ar#th an! b$oyancy o& the
ocean"
I ha(e #any #a.or so$rces o& s$''ort in this %o(e%y
ocean" One is ;en, +ho has been the 7er&ect S$''ort
7erson 2 ne(er an easy tas* an! o&ten ins$&&icient%y
ac*no+%e!)e!" He r$ns erran!s &or #e, ho%!s #y han!,
entertains #e, +e ha(e )reat ta%*s, an! are si#'%y as in
%o(e as e(er these !ays" The other is #y &a#i%y, +ho
ha(e been beyon! co#'are in their %o(e an! s$''ort" My
#other an! &ather #et $s in San =rancisco +hen I ha!
the bone #arro+ har(est be&ore co#in) to 6er#any
4.$st in case I nee!e! it &or &$t$re treat#ents5, #y sister
;ati +as .$st here &or ten !ays an! he%'e! $s )et o(er
the initia% a!.$st#ent, #y 'arents are here no+ in
6er#any an! '%annin) a !ri(in) tri' +hen #y co$nts
rise eno$)h, an! #y other sister, Tracy, an! her
h$sban!, Michae%, +i%% #eet $s in 7aris an! co#e bac* to
Bonn &or the be)innin) o& the secon! treat#ent" Not to
#ention ;ens +on!er&$% &a#i%y, ;en an! L$cy, +ho are
so s$''orti(e an! %o(in)" Then theres a%% the s'ecia%
'eo'%e at the Cancer S$''ort Co##$nity, #ost
es'ecia%%y Aic*y, +ho has been instr$#enta% in settin)
$' the bone #arro+ har(est an! )atherin) in&or#ation
on a%% &ronts" Then theres #y +on!er&$% &rien!s in As'en
an! Bo$%!er an! #y s'ecia% =in!horn &rien!s scattere!
a%% o(er" """ I &ee% (ery, (ery b%esse!"
We ha! a bit o& a ro$)h be)innin) on arri(a%" I ca$)ht
a co%! +hich $n&ort$nate%y %aste! &or three +ee*s" I +as
in the hos'ita% !$rin) that ti#e !oin) ra!iation !ai%y,
a&rai! to )i(e $' #y roo# beca$se there #i)ht not be
one a(ai%ab%e +hen it ca#e ti#e to start" My sister ca#e
o(er +hich he%'e! $s thro$)h that !i&&ic$%t ti#e" No+
+ere o&& an! r$nnin) an! I ha(e co#'%ete con&i!ence in
Herr 7ro&essor Do*tor Schee&, the #an +ho r$ns the
Ian*er ;%ini*" He is &$%% o& ener)y an! (ita%ity an!
.o%%iness, I %i*en hi# to a yo$n)er Santa C%a$s 4sa%t/an!/
'e''er bear!5 +ho has a b$%)in) re! ba) &$%% o&
anticancer 'resents" Dn%i*e #ost !octors in the D"S",
+hose ba) is s#a%%er !$e to the =DA an! +hat
so#eti#es see#s %i*e an a%#ost 'ro&essiona%%y
#an!ate! too/%i#ite! interest in the &$%% ran)e o&
treat#ents a(ai%ab%e" =or e1a#'%e, the #ain !r$) that
Dr" Schee& is $sin) &or #e is ca%%e! i&os&a#i!e, its a
co$sin o& Cyto1an, or cyc%o&os&a#i!e, one o& the #ain
che#othera'y !r$)s $se! in the D"S" an! a !r$) +hich
Schee& hi#se%& &irst !e(e%o'e!" Hes been $sin)
i&os&a#i!e &or ten years an! it +as .$st a''ro(e! %ast
year by the =DA &or $se in the D"S" 2 b$t on%y a)ainst
sarco#as 4its e&&ecti(e a)ainst a +i!e ran)e o& cancers5
an! on%y at !oses +e%% be%o+ +hat Dr" Schee& thin*s
sho$%! be $se!" So I co$%! not ha(e been treate! +ith
this !r$) in the D"S"
A&ter cons$%tation +ith #any !octors in Ian$ary an!
=ebr$ary, a%% they ha! to o&&er #e +as the sa#e !r$) I
ha! be&ore, A!ria#ycin, basica%%y on a 'ro)ra# that
#eant I! ta*e it $nti% I !ie! 4or the !r$) *i%%e! #e
thro$)h co#'%ications, as it recent%y !i! a &rien! o&
#ine5" The a(era)e ti#e be&ore treat#ent &ai%$re on this
!r$) is &o$rteen #onths, an! thats co$ntin) &ro# +hen
they )i(e yo$ the &irst treat#ent" I co$%!nt see that this
+as rea%%y b$yin) #e any ti#e at a%%, an! I +e%% *ne+ the
*in! o& #isery it +o$%! b$y #e" When #y sister as*e!
#e +hat it +as %i*e on A!ria an! I be)an to %ist the
sy#'to#s, I rea%i8e! it !i!nt so$n! a%% that terrib%e"
Then I re#e#bere! +hat I $se! to say to ;en +hi%e on
the !r$)- yo$ *no+, I !ont &ee% that ba!, I can )et
aro$n! an! !o thin)s, b$t the terrib%e 'art abo$t this
!r$) is that it 'oisons the so$%, I &ee% %i*e its 'oisonin)
#y so$%" So yo$ can i#a)ine that I +as %ess than thri%%e!
abo$t ha(in) that *in! o& che#othera'y a)ain, an! %ess
than thri%%e! abo$t the &i)$res the !octors )a(e #e"
When I 'inne! the# !o+n abo$t ho+ #$ch e1tra ti#e
+o$%! I act$a%%y )et, they sai! i& I )ot a 'artia% res'onse
4to be e1'ecte! since I ha! a%rea!y 0&ai%e!0 on this !r$)5,
I ha! a 2K/C0Q chance o& )ettin) an e1tra si1 to t+e%(e
#onths" Chic*en&ee! I sai!, rather in!i)nant%y, an! +ent
%oo*in) e%se+here9
I(e *no+n &or >$ite a +hi%e 4tho$)h at ti#es
con(enient%y &or)otten95 that beca$se o& the ty'e o&
cancer ce%% I ha! 4the +orst )ra!e5 an! the t+o
rec$rrences I ha! so soon a&ter the &irst s$r)ery, #y
chances o& a #etastatic rec$rrence +ere (ery, (ery hi)h"
Since )ettin) the ne+s o& #y sit$ation on Ian$ary :E I(e
#o(e! thro$)h a %ot o& !i&&erent s'aces abo$t it 2
startin) +ith e1tre#e an)er that this sort o& thin)
ha''ene! to #e an! that it has to ha''en to anyone at
a%%" My &i)htin) s'irit +as !e&inite%y aro$se!, an! act$a%%y
#y s'irits ha(e been 'retty )oo! thro$)ho$t" E(en
better once I !isco(ere! this ;%ini*" " " " C%ear%y the (ery
har!est 'erio! +as tryin) to choose a treat#ent"
In a!!ition to the an)er I +as o&ten e1tre#e%y $'set,
tho$)h too b$sy an! &rantic to ha(e ti#e to )et
!e'resse! 4I #$st ha(e set a recor! &or n$#ber o& 'hone
ca%%s +hi%e tryin) to !eci!e +hat to !o5" I ha! se(era%
!ays at &irst +hen I &e%t incre!ib%y sha*y, cryin) a %ot,
(ery a)itate!, c%ose to &a%%in) a'art, !+e%%in) on &ears o&
'ain an! tho$)hts o& !eath " " " an! then +o$%! co#e
tho$)hts o& a%% +ho are s$&&erin) on this '%anet at this
#o#ent, o& a%% +ho ha(e s$&&ere! in the 'ast, an! I
+o$%! i##e!iate%y &ee% a +a(e o& 'eace an! ca%# 'ass
thro$)h #e" I no %on)er &e%t a%one, I no %on)er &e%t sin)%e!
o$t, instea! I &e%t an incre!ib%e connection +ith a%% these
'eo'%e, %i*e +e +ere 'art o& the sa#e h$)e &a#i%y" I
tho$)ht o& a%% the chi%!ren +ho ha(e cancer, I tho$)ht o&
the 'eo'%e +ho !ie $ne1'ecte!%y at yo$n) a)es in tra&&ic
acci!ents, I tho$)ht o& those +ho s$&&er &ro# #enta%
i%%ness, I tho$)ht o& the star(in) in the Thir! Wor%!, o&
chi%!ren +ho +i%% a%+ays be han!ica''e! by #a%n$trition
e(en i& they s$r(i(e" I tho$)ht o& 'arents +ho #$st
en!$re the !eath o& a chi%!, o& a%% those +ho !ie! in
Aietna# +hen they +ere on%y ha%& #y a)e, o& those +ho
are (icti#s o& tort$re" My heart +ent o$t to the# a%% as
#e#bers o& #y &a#i%y an! I &e%t co#&orte! by
re#e#berin) the &irst nob%e tr$th, the nob%e tr$th o&
s$&&erin)" There is s$&&erin) in this +or%!, no +ay aro$n!
that one, a%+ays has been"
I &ee% (ery than*&$% &or #y B$!!hist trainin) in the
#i!st o& a%% this, 'artic$%ar%y (i'assana an! ton)%en" I a#
a%so &ee%in) !ra+n to Christianity a)ain, the #$sic an!
the rit$a%s an! the #a)ni&icent cathe!ra%s, not the
theo%o)y" They #o(e #e in a +ay that B$!!hist rit$a%
!oes not" It &ee%s %i*e a b%en!in) o& the t+o is ha''enin)
&or #e, Christianity +ith its e#'hasis on the (ertica%
!i#ension or the !i(ine an! B$!!his# +ith its ca%#
acce'tance o& +hat is an! its strai)ht&or+ar! 'ath that
%ea!s to the e1tinction o& s$&&erin)"
A )ro$' o& n$rses ca#e in a %itt%e a&ter I arri(e! an!
set $' sho' in #y roo# to as* #e, rather shy%y an!
tentati(e%y, 0What re%i)ion are yo$<0 I !ont b%a#e the#
&or bein) con&$se!9 I ha(e a %o(e%y shrine set $' on the
one tab%e in #y roo#" Theres a bea$ti&$% stat$e o& the
hea%in) B$!!ha an! another o& Mary +hich ;en )a(e #e,
a stri*in) ro$n! >$art8 crysta% &ro# #y &rien!s in
S$nshine Canyon, a %o(e%y stat$e o& the Ma!onna an!
Chi%! &ro# #y sister/in/%a+, a stat$e o& St" Anne &ro#
Aic*y that once he%'e! her hea%, a !e%icate 'ict$re o&
;+an 3in &ro# An)e, a s#a%% than)*a o& 6reen Tara &ro#
;en, a %o(e%y sayin) 'ainte! by #y sister Tracy in an o%!
&ra#e, sa%t that Tr$n)'a Rin'oches bo!y +as 'ac*e! in
&ro# his s$ccessor, the Re)ent 4an! other re%ics +hich I
+ear #ost )rate&$%%y5, a 'ict$re o& ;a%$ Rin'oche, +ho#
I(e st$!ie! +ith, an! o& Tr$n)'a Rin'oche an! the
Re)ent, other 'ict$res, sent to #e by (ario$s 'eo'%e, o&
Ra#ana Maharshi, Sai Baba, an! the 7o'e, an o%!
Me1ican 'aintin) on #eta% o& a hea%in) &i)$re, a %o(e%y
cross &ro# a re%ati(e an! an o%! 'rayer boo* &ro# #y
a$nt, a 'rayer &ro# Ei%een Ca!!y, co&o$n!er o& =in!horn,
to$chin) )i&ts &ro# &rien!s at the Cancer S$''ort
Co##$nity, a rosary an! a #a%a &ro# a Wis!o# Retreat
+ith ;a%$ Rin'oche """ no +on!er theyre con&$se!9 B$t it
&ee%s (ery ri)ht to #e" I(e a%+ays been an ec$#enist at
heart, no+ its #a!e concrete in #y shrine9
A%tho$)h I ha(e 'hi%oso'hica% 'rob%e#s +ith both
Christianity an! B$!!his#, at a ti#e %i*e this those &a!e
into insi)ni&icance" When I )et ca$)ht in tryin) to '$88%e
it o$t, I re#e#ber the B$!!has +arnin) a)ainst
'hi%oso'hi8in) abo$t thin)s +e cannot &in! ans+ers &or"
So I #a*e no e&&ort at a%% to try an! reconci%e the t+o 2
an i#'ossib%e tas* to be s$re9 2 b$t I !o notice that in a
sit$ation %i*e #ine Christian 'hi%oso'hy see#s to %ea! to
$nhe%'&$% *in!s o& a''roaches an! >$estions- +hy !i!
this ha''en to #e, +hy !oes it ha''en to anyone, is
06o!0 '$nishin) #e, !i! I !o so#ethin) +ron), +hat can
I !o to #a*e it a%% ri)ht a)ain, its $n&air that chi%!ren
ha(e to )et this terrib%e !isease, +hy !o ba! thin)s
ha''en to )oo! 'eo'%e, +hy !oes 6o! %et these thin)s
ha''en in the +or%!< B$t the sti%%ness o& a cathe!ra% an!
hy#ns that soar o(er or)an #$sic an! the si#'%e
'eace&$% .oyo$sness o& Christ#as caro%s a%% #o(e #e
!ee'%y"
B$!!his#, on the other han!, is a rea% so$rce o&
co#&ort +hen thin)s are ba!" Instea! o& %ea!in) #e to
rant an! ra(e abo$t the state o& thin)s or start a cr$sa!e
to correct the#, it he%'s #e acce't the +ay thin)s are"
B$t this !oesnt %ea! to 'assi(ity since the e#'hasis is
a%+ays on ri)ht e&&ort +hi%e &reein) onese%& &ro# cra(in)
an! &ro# a(ersion" In &act, &or #e e&&ort beco#es easier,
a%#ost 'ara!o1ica%%y, beca$se I &in! #yse%& %ess attache!
to res$%ts, #ore in(o%(e! in in(esti)atin) +hats
ha''enin) than in settin) )oa%s, stri(in) to reach the#,
an! bein) !isa''ointe! i& I !ont"
=or e1a#'%e, I sti%% ha(e +a(iness in #y %e&t eye 2 this
is the sy#'to# that %e! to the !isco(ery o& the brain
t$#or 4in #y ri)ht occi'ita% %obe5 an! then the %$n)
t$#ors" I ha! co#'%ete! the ra!iation treat#ents to #y
brain an! +as ho'in) to see so#e chan)e, so e(ery ti#e
I notice! the +a(iness I &e%t a s#a%% reaction 2 re($%sion,
&ear, !isa''oint#ent, a%% o& that" S$!!en%y, e(erythin)
shi&te! &or #e" The +a(iness beca#e so#ethin) to
notice, to in(esti)ate, to +itness" There it is, an! a%% the
reactin) in the +or%! +ont chan)e the tr$th o& that
'resent #o#ent" With this a''roach #y %e(e% o& &ear
s$bsi!e! !ra#atica%%y, an! e(en +hen the &ear co#es $'
I can si#'%y +itness it instea! o& 'i%in) &ear on &ear" I &in!
this incre!ib%y he%'&$% +hene(er &ear arises, %i*e +hen
#y WBC F+hite b%oo! co$ntG is %o+ or #y te#'erat$re
)oes $' a &e+ tenths o& a !e)ree" This is +hat is, this is
+hat is ha''enin), I can +atch it, +atch #y reactions,
+atch #y &ear, an! as they s$bsi!e &ee% #yse%& )ent%y
#o(e bac* to+ar! e>$ani#ity"
So, to ret$rn to the treat#ent" I# bein) treate! +ith
t+o !r$)s, i&os&a#i!e an! BCND" The treat#ent is &i(e
!ays, +ith i&os&a#i!e bein) )i(en e(ery !ay IA an! BCND
on !ays :, C, an! K" They ha(e !e(e%o'e! a n$#ber o&
resc$e !r$)s an! s$''orti(e thin)s that #a*e the
treat#ent si!e e&&ects, both short/ an! %on)/ter#,
re%ati(e%y #inor" One !r$), #esna, is )i(en &o$r ti#es
each !ay o& treat#ent an! 'rotects the *i!neys" Theres
another !r$) they ca%% 0anti&$n)a%0 +hich is )i(en !$rin)
an! a&ter treat#ent, a !o$b%e !ose +hi%e the WBC is
be%o+ :000" Their antina$sea !r$)s, both #i1e! in the
che#o an! )i(en by s$''ository, +or* e1tre#e%y +e%%
+ith no si!e e&&ects &or #e e1ce't a %itt%e s%ee'iness"
They ha(e stron)er ones in reser(e i& nee!e!" When I
re#e#ber ho+ !o'e! $' 4%itera%%y 2 one !r$) I too* +as
THC in ca's$%e &or#5 I ha! to )et to si#'%y en!$re the
A!ria treat#ents an! e(en then ho+ a+&$% that &irst
ei)ht ho$rs +as """ not a '%easant #e#ory" This +as so
#$ch easier I si#'%y co$%!nt be%ie(e it9 When I
co##ente! to Dr" Schee& ho+ easy it +as in co#'arison
he sai!, 0Ah, an! its #$ch, #$ch stron)er90
Not on%y that, b$t theres none o& this st$&& abo$t
bein) on che#othera'y &or years" This is hi)h/!ose,
short/ter# che#othera'y, on%y three treat#ents,
a''ro1i#ate%y one a #onth" The ro$)h o$t%ine 4this a%%
!e'en!s on b%oo! co$nts, o& co$rse5 is &i(e !ays o&
che#othera'y &o%%o+e! by ten to &o$rteen !ays in the
hos'ita% +hi%e yo$r F+hite b%oo!G co$nts )o !o+n 4one
A#erican here ha! his co$nts !o+n to 8oo5 an! then $'"
A%% the ti#e theyre )i(in) yo$ s$''orti(e #e!ication,
&o%%o+in) yo$r te#'erat$re, re#in!in) yo$ to br$sh an!
rinse +ith a terrib%e tastin) antibiotic #o$th+ash e(ery
ti#e yo$ eat" 3o$ can %ea(e the hos'ita% +hen yo$r
co$nts reach :,K00 an! %ea(e on a tri' bet+een
treat#ents +hen they reach :,B00" 3o$ )et $s$a%%y t+o
+ee*s o&& bet+een treat#ents, b$t o&ten i& yo$ as* &or
three thats O; too" They +ant yo$r WBC bet+een 2,K00
an! C,000 be&ore be)innin) the ne1t treat#ent"
The one thin) I #iss here is the (a%$ab%e in&or#ation
yo$ $s$a%%y )et &ro# other 'atients" I s'ea* no 6er#an,
an! theres on%y one other A#erican 'atient here no+"
Hes a yo$n) #an by the na#e o& Bob Doty, he an! ;en
ha(e beco#e &ast &rien!s" Hes on treat#ent R2 4ei)ht to
ten !ays o& che#othera'y &or a re%ati(e%y rare sarco#a5
an! I(e %earne! a %ot &ro# hi#" The n$rses !ont s'ea*
#$ch En)%ish, so I# '$ttin) to)ether a %etter &or &$t$re
En)%ish/s'ea*in) 'atients abo$t 'roce!$res, +hat to
e1'ect, #en$s, ho+ to con(ert Ce%si$s to =ahrenheit 4&or
yo$r te#'erat$re5 an! *i%o)ra#s to 'o$n!s, the
scienti&ic an! D"S" na#es o& !r$)s they $se, ho+ to
sche!$%e yo$r brea*s, the )enera% #en$ here, etc"
T+o o& #y &a(orite 'eo'%e in the +or%! to han) o$t
+ith are #y Mo# an! Da!, &ort$nate%y, ;en &ee%s the
sa#e +ay9 Were s'en!in) o$r t+o +ee* brea* +ith
the#, !ri(in) thro$)h 6er#any, S+it8er%an!, an!
=rance, en!in) $' in 7aris an! s'en!in) &i(e !ays there"
My &a(orite ti#es +ith #y 'arents ha(e been t+o other
!ri(in) tri's in E$ro'e, so I# rea%%y %oo*in) &or+ar! to
this" An! it +i%% be e1tra s'ecia% beca$se this is ;ens &irst
tri' to E$ro'e9 So &ar a%% hes seen is Bonn an! its
s$rro$n!in)s " " " b$t I cant +ait to sho+ hi# 7aris9 Hes
a city boy, +hi%e I #ost %oo* &or+ar! si#'%y to the !ri(e,
to the %an!sca'e $n&o%!in) be&ore #e, the o'en hi%%s, the
narro+ (a%%eys an! hi)h #o$ntains, to the %a*es, the
&ie%!s, the s#a%% (i%%a)es, the ri(ers, the chan)in)
(e)etation an! )eo)ra'hy 2 theres so#ethin) abo$t the
%an! that brin)s a !ee' !e%i)ht &or #e" ;ati an! ;en an!
I too* a !ri(e on the S$n!ay be&ore I be)an treat#ent
an! I +as re#in!e! o& ho+ it soothes #y so$%, o& ho+
#y s'irit$a% roots %ie in a !ee' %o(e o& the %an!"
I ho'e I !ont )et too attache! to the si!e bene&its o&
bein) sic*9 Its been >$ite an e1'erience &or a !o/it/
#yse%& ty'e to %et e(eryone e%se !o &or #e" A rea% %ettin)
)o """ a%%o+in) #yse%& to &ee% +orth it, not *ee'in) any
*in! o& I%%/'ay/yo$/bac* interna% %e!)er, sort o& %i*e
%earnin) to %et co#'%i#ents in instea! o& shr$))in) the#
o&&" I sit here in #y hos'ita% be! +hi%e ;en an! +hoe(er
e%se is here at the ti#e b$ys #e &oo! an! r$ns erran!s
an! brin)s #e #a)a8ines an! so#eti#es coo*s &or #e"
Ah, the +eather" The on%y $ni&or#ity to it is that on
a(era)e its ba!, +et, o(ercast, !reary" The s%eet?sno+
that )reete! o$r arri(a% has chan)e! to rain" The s$n
!oes co#e o$t, b$t on%y &or ten #in$tes or so at a ti#e"
The rain, ho+e(er, %asts %on)er" The Rhine is no+ at the
hi)hest &%oo! sta)e in ei)ht years beca$se o& the rain" It
!oesnt bother #e #$ch, >$een o& roo# 22B, I ha(ent
been o$t o& the hos'ita% since the be)innin) o&
treat#ent, thirteen !ays a)o" Its )oo! +eather to ta*e
na's to9
Theres a c$te yo$n) )ir% +ho teaches art c%asses
here t+ice a +ee*" Shes )ot #e starte! on acry%ics,
+hich is a shi&t &ro# #y 'enci% !ra+in)s an! the
)%ass+or*" I# .$st &oo%in) aro$n! +ith it, #ain%y %earnin)
ho+ to #i1 co%ors an! ho+ to constr$ct a 'ict$re &ro#
the bac*)ro$n! to the hi)h%i)hts 4+ith 'enci%s I +or* the
other +ay aro$n!, be)innin) +ith the hi)h%i)hts5" It
see#s har! to be%ie(e that I# act$a%%y en.oyin) #yse%&
sittin) here in this roo# &or so %on), b$t its tr$e"
As &or Dr" Schee&, I# a&rai! I(e .oine! the ran*s o&
those +ho thin* he +a%*s on +ater" ;en thin*s Schee&
has one o& the 0&inest, &astest0 #in!s hes e(er seen" His
T$es!ay ro$n!s are bree8y an! too >$ic*, so I(e %earne!
to #a*e a''oint#ents to see hi# e(ery so o&ten" Each
ti#e +e ha(e ha! to +ait an incre!ib%y %on) ti#e, &ro#
t+o to &o$r ho$rs, be&ore bein) $shere! into his o&&ice"
Once insi!e, ho+e(er, hes o$rs" I ha(e starte! ta'e/
recor!in) these #eetin)s, beca$se #y 'en cant *ee'
$' +ith his &acts an! stories an! o'inions an! %a$)hter9
T$rns o$t he has rea! t+o o& ;ens boo*s in 6er#an, an!
he sai! he +as !e%i)hte! to 0be treatin) s$ch &a#o$s
'eo'%e"0 We(e seen boo*s on Isse%ss thera'y,
B$r8yns*i, 6erson, an! ;e%%ey on his boo*she%(es, +o$%!
I &in! those in an A#erican !octors o&&ice< It increases
#y con&i!ence to *no+ that Dr" Schee& has ta*en the
tro$b%e to in&or# hi#se%& thoro$)h%y abo$t a +i!e ran)e
o& o'tions an! that hes trie! a n$#ber o& the# hi#se%&"
He has incre!ib%e ener)y an! (ita%ity an! I ha(e
tre#en!o$s con&i!ence in hi#" Hes on to' o& a%% the
%atest research an! has access to the %atest techni>$es,
&ro# inter&eron to en8y#es" Not on%y !o I tr$st his
.$!)#ent on choosin) a#on) the#, I &ee% con&i!ent that
i& he thin*s they +o$%! +or* better in #y sit$ation he
+o$%! certain%y reco##en! the#" To #e, thats a 'retty
a#a8in) thin) to say abo$t a !octor, an! a
tre#en!o$s%y co#&ortin) +ay to &ee% abo$t the !octor
+ho is treatin) #e"
I +i%% &inish this %etter a&ter o$r con&erence on Mon!ay
+ith Dr" Schee&, +hen +e%% )et the res$%ts o& the CAT
scan an! &in! o$t ho+ the brain t$#or is" I%% +or* on #y
e>$ani#ity o(er the +ee*en! in 're'aration &or
Mon!ays res$%ts""""
0Do yo$ %i*e %icorice<0 +as the &irst thin) he e(er sai! to
#e"T
0Licorice< Its #y &a(orite"0 Therea&ter, o$r #eetin)s +ith
Schee& a%+ays be)an +ith a han!o$t o& the best %icorice I
ha! e(er taste!"
B$t it +asnt e(en the %icorice" It +as the beer" Schee&
ha! '$t a beer !is'ensin) #achine 2 t+o ;o%sch beers &or K
#ar*s 2 in the ;%ini*" The !ay I %e&t Tahoe I >$it !rin*in)
(o!*a, b$t a%%o+e! #yse%& beer" Schee& hi#se%& $se! to
!rin* ten or &i&teen beers a !ay 2 6er#ans ha(e the hi)hest
'er ca'ita cons$#'tion o& beer in the +or%! 2 b$t he +as
no+ !iabetic an! ha! on%y, as a 'oor s$bstit$te, his %icorice"
I beca#e )oo! &rien!s +ith that #achine" 0Beer,0 Schee&
+o$%! enco$ra)e #e, 0is the on%y a%coho% that '$ts #ore
into yo$r bo!y than it ta*es o$t,0 an! it +as o'en%y
a(ai%ab%e to a%% his 'atients"
At one 'oint I as*e! hi#, as I o&ten !i! !octors, +o$%!
yo$ reco##en! this 'artic$%ar treat#ent &or yo$r +i&e<
0Ne(er as* a !octor i& he +o$%! reco##en! so#ethin) &or
his +i&e" 3o$ !ont *no+ ho+ theyre )ettin) a%on)" As* hi#
i& he +o$%! !o it &or his !a$)hter90 he sai! +ith a %a$)h"
0We%%, &or yo$r !a$)hter<0 Treya as*e!" She ha! in #in!
a!rena% s$''ression &or breast cancer"
0We !ont !o it beca$se the >$a%ity o& %i&e is so #$ch
%o+er" 3o$ #$st ne(er &or)et,0 he sai!, 0aro$n! the t$#or is
a h$#an bein)"0 Thats +hen I &e%% in %o(e +ith Schee&"
We as*e! hi# abo$t another treat#ent that +as 'o'$%ar
in the States" 0No, +e !ont !o that"0 0Why<0 0Beca$se,0 he
sai! !irect%y, 0it !a#a)es the so$%"0 Here +as the #an
&a#o$s &or the #ost a))ressi(e che#othera'y in the +or%!,
b$t there +ere thin)s he si#'%y +o$%! not !o beca$se they
!a#a)e! the so$%"
Ho+ abo$t the +i!es'rea! be%ie& that 'sycho%o)ica%
&actors a%one ca$se cancer, that cancer is 'sycho)enic<
0So#e say breast cancer is a 'sycho%o)ica% 'rob%e#-
'rob%e#s +ith yo$r h$sban!, 'rob%e#s +ith yo$r chi%!ren,
'rob%e#s +ith yo$r !o)" B$t !$rin) the +ar an! the
concentration ca#'s, +here there +ere #any 'rob%e#s an!
enor#o$s stress, there +as the %o+est rate o& breast
cancer" Its beca$se there +as no &at in their !iets" Bet+een
:EH0 an! :EK: there +as the %o+est cancer inci!ence in
6er#any, b$t the hi)hest stress" Where +ere the cancers
ca$se! by 'sycho%o)ica% 'rob%e#s<0
0Ho+ abo$t (ita#ins<0 I as*e!" 0I# a bioche#ist by
trainin), an! &ro# the st$!ies I(e seen, not on%y can
#e)a(ita#ins he%' a)ainst cancer, so#e o& the# are
'o+er&$% eno$)h to !eacti(ate che#othera'y a)ents" O$r
A#erican !octors !isa)ree +ith both"0
0No, yo$ are ri)ht" Aita#in C in 'artic$%ar has anticancer
'ro'erties, b$t i& yo$ )i(e it at the sa#e ti#e +ith
che#othera'y, it +i%% !eacti(ate i&os&a#i!e an! #ost other
che#othera'y a)ents" There +as a !octor here in 6er#any
+ho anno$nce! he co$%! )i(e che#othera'y an! the
'atients hair +o$%!nt &a%% o$t" He a%so )a(e his 'atients
#assi(e !oses o& (ita#in C at the sa#e ti#e, so o& co$rse
their hair !i!nt )o a+ay" Neither !i! the cancer" To 'ro(e
this0 2 an! here yo$ ha(e to $n!erstan! the E$ro'ean
tra!ition o& the Herr 7ro&essor- try it on yo$rse%& &irst 2 0to
'ro(e this, I )a(e #yse%& a %etha% in.ection o& i&os&a#i!e, in
the 'resence o& the !octors o& co$rse, '%$s t+enty )ra#s o&
(ita#in C" I a# ob(io$s%y sti%% here" So this !octor +asnt
)i(in) i&os&a#i!e IA, he +as )i(in) it OTW 2 o$t the
+in!o+"0
Treya ta%*e! to a 6er#an +o#an +hose son %i(e! in Los
An)e%es" She ha! .$st contracte! se(ere o(arian cancer,
an!, +orrie! that she #i)ht !ie, +ante! to (isit her son" B$t
she ha! no #oney an! she co$%!nt )et a (isa" Schee& )ot
her a '%ane tic*et an! a (isa, an! to%! her si#'%y, 0=irst +e
ta*e care o& the cancer, then yo$ +i%% see yo$r son"0
I& Schee& is +hat yo$ +ere s$''ose! to be %i*e +hen yo$
%e&t #e!ica% schoo%, I +o$%! ne(er ha(e %e&t D$*e" Most
A#erican #e!ica% schoo%s, a%as, teach yo$ on%y to '$t a
'%a>$e on yo$r !es* that &aces the 'atients an! says,
0Death !oes not re#o(e yo$r ob%i)ation to 'ay"0
I #et Schee& on the si!e+a%* one !ay" 0Where on earth is
a )oo! resta$rant aro$n! here<0
He %a$)he!" 0T+o h$n!re! #i%es in that !irection, ri)ht
across the =rench bor!er"0
A'ri% :
We #et +ith Dr" Schee& on T$es!ay, a&ter ha(in) a
brain CAT scan on Mon!ay" He sai! the res$%ts +ere
0a#a8in), e1ce%%ent0 " " " the %ar)e brain t$#or is a%#ost
a%% )one, .$st a bit o& the o$tsi!e %e&t, sort o& %i*e a
crescent #oon" Act$a%%y the ra!iation *ee's on +or*in)
an! o& co$rse there are t+o #ore che#othera'y
treat#ents to )o, so I sti%% ha(e a chance &or a co#'%ete
re#ission" Hooray9 4They +ont chec* #y %$n)s $nti%
be&ore the ne1t treat#ent"5 This is (ery enco$ra)in),
an! both Mo# an! Da!, +ho +ere +ith $s, &e%t #$ch
reass$re!"
The on%y !isa''oint#ent has been that #y b%oo!
co$nts ha(e not )one $' yet, a%tho$)h this is te#'orary"
They ha(e to reach :,K00 be&ore I can %ea(e on the tri'
+ith Mo# an! Da! an! ;en" The +hite b%oo! ce%% co$nt
has ho(ere! bet+een H00 an! M00 &or se(en !ays no+,
an! the he#o)%obin is sti%% %o+" Its not e1act%y a
s$r'rise, ho+e(er, since I ha! that bone #arro+ har(est
be&ore co#in) o(er here an! ha%& o& #y bone #arro+
+as re#o(e!" That #eans, sai! Dr" Schee&, that I ha(e
&e+er 0#other ce%%s0 an! in )enera% a yo$n) 'o'$%ation
o& ce%%s in the #arro+" Once they #at$re eno$)h,
tho$)h, #y co$nts +i%% )o $' 0e1'onentia%%y"0 Bob Doty
ha! his co$nts )o to 200, $' to H00, bac* !o+n to 200
b$t once they reache! B00 they +ent the ne1t !ay to
:,C00 an! the ne1t !ay to 2,000"
Thats the *in! o& 'ro)ress I# a+aitin) """ as the !ays
+e! '%anne! to s'en! +ith #y 'arents in 7aris !i#inish
the %on)er I# con&ine! to the hos'ita%" B$t #y sister an!
her h$sban! are #eetin) $s in 7aris so +e%% tra(e% bac*
+ith the#, +hich +i%% be &$n"
They +erent '%annin) to test #y WBC to!ay since its
a ho%i!ay 4to!ay is 6oo! =ri!ay5" I& they !ont test, I cant
%ea(e" ;en +ent o$t an! #a!e a &e+ +a(es, he says
e(eryone is an)ry +ith hi# no+, b$t the b%oo! test is
$n!er+ay" I# )%a! theres that st$!y o$t sayin) that
!i&&ic$%t, i"e" !e#an!in), cancer 'atients !o better" My
'arents sai! the !octors they ta%* to at M" D" An!erson
a)ree +ith that, they !ont +ant 'assi(e 'atients since
the others !o better" I *ee' ho'in) the n$rses here ha(e
rea! the sa#e st$!ies9 Whate(er 'art o& #e #i)ht &ee%
)$i%ty at as*in) &or +hat I +ant or a&rai! o& an)erin)
others by bein) !e#an!in) is ass$a)e! by these
st$!ies" =$nny the e&&ect the st$!ies ha(e 2 in this case I
)et 'er#ission to not be 0)oo!0 or 0nice0 b$t as* &or
+hat I +ant, +hi%e another st$!y #i)ht #a*e #e +on!er
i& I sho$%! be actin) !i&&erent%y" =or e1a#'%e, as I ha(e
reconnecte! +ith #y B$!!hist trainin) an! 'on!ere! on
ri)ht e&&ort an! acce'tance an! si#'%y bein) +ith +hat
is, I ha(e &e%t the &i)ht an! the an)er an! the 0I%% beat
this cancer bac*0 attit$!e #e%t a+ay" This shi&t &e%t ri)ht
&or #e, b$t a s#a%% 'art a%so re#e#bere! the st$!ies
sho+in) that an)ry 'atients +ith a &i)htin) s'irit !i!
better an! +on!ere!" A# I %osin) #y 0&i)htin) s'irit0< Is
this ba!< The sa#e o%! 'ara!o1, bein) an! !oin)"
On%y %ast ni)ht I rea! a /e% 7or! Times artic%e by
Danie% 6o%e#an 4Se'te#ber :@, :EB@5" A Dr" San!ra
Le(y st$!ie! this contrast bet+een an)ry, &i)htin) s'irit
cancer 'atients an! those +ho +ere 'assi(e an! 0)oo!0
in a )ro$' o& thirty/si1 +o#en +ith a!(ance! breast
cancer" Here are the res$%ts-
A&ter se(en years, 2H o& the C M +o#en ha! !ie!"
To her s$r'rise, Dr" Le(y &o$n! that, a&ter the &irst
year, an)er #a!e no !i&&erence in s$r(i(a%" The on%y
'sycho%o)ica% &actor that #attere! &or s$r(i(a% +ithin
se(en years see#e! to be a sense o& .oy in %i&e"
The 'ri#ary &actor that 're!icte! s$r(i(a%, she
&o$n!, +as a%rea!y +e%% estab%ishe! in onco%o)y- the
%en)th o& ti#e the 'atients re#aine! !isease &ree
a&ter &irst bein) treate!" " " " B$t the secon! stron)est
&actor +as ha(in) a hi)h score on 0.oy0 on a stan!ar!
'a'er/an!/'enci% test #eas$rin) #oo!" Test e(i!ence
o& .oy +as statistica%%y #ore si)ni&icant as a 're!ictor
o& s$r(i(a% than +as the n$#ber o& sites o&
#etastases once the cancer s'rea!" That a .oyo$s
state o& #in! sho$%! be so 'o+er&$% a 're!ictor o&
s$r(i(a% +as co#'%ete%y $ne1'ecte!"
That +as nice to hear, es'ecia%%y since I(e been
&ee%in) so ha''y %ate%y in s'ite o& bein) con&ine! to the
hos'ita%" I%% )%a!%y tra!e in #y an)er &or .oy, than* yo$9
No+ I +on!er ho+ this st$!y +i%% #a*e #e &ee% +hen I#
&ee%in) !e'resse! an! $n.oy&$%" " " " The 'ossibi%ity o&
en!%ess bo$ts o& this *in! o& yo/yo reaction to ne+
artic%es, ne+ st$!ies, ne+ test res$%ts, ne+ 'ro)noses,
on an! on, is e1act%y +hy c$%ti(atin) e>$ani#ity, bein)
+ith +hat is, obser(in) +itho$t tryin) to chan)e or #a*e
0better0 he%'s #e so #$ch"
To!ay is 6oo! =ri!ay" The hos'ita% is >$iet, not #$ch
acti(ity" The bir!s are sin)in) o$tsi!e #y +in!o+"
Theres one that sin)s a tri%%in) *in! o& son), +hich &or#s
a bac*)ro$n! to the other son), +hich is .$st one note,
insistent, one t+o three &o$r, 'a$se, one t+o three &o$r,
'a$se" Nectar o& the )o!s"
Inter+o(en +ith the bir! son)s, +hich I +a*e $' to,
are the ch$rch be%%s &ro# the Bonn Cathe!ra%, on%y si1
b%oc*s a+ay" They chi#e on an! o&& a%% !ay, a bea$ti&$%
acco#'ani#ent to the bir!s" ;en )oes there each
#ornin) to %i)ht a can!%e, an! so#eti#es, as he says, to
ha(e a 0%itt%e cry"0 He too* Mo# an! Da! there the other
!ay an! they a%% %it a can!%e &or #e"
My +in!o+ %oo*s o$t on a %o(e%y o'en s'ace rin)e!
by other b$i%!in)s" The trees ha(ent starte! %ea&in) o$t
yet, b$t I# s$re that I +i%% be here +hen they !o" That
+i%% be +on!er&$% to +atch"
An! no+ to#orro+ is Easter S$n!ay" This #ornin) I
+as a+a*ene! by the s$n" This is the s$nniest !ay +e(e
ha! since +e(e been here" As I +as sittin) here %ater in
the #ornin), eatin) #y brea*&ast, I +as thin*in) a)ain
ho+ #$ch I en.oy the bir! son)s, an! s$!!en%y a s#ooth
re!hea!e! bir! %an!e! on #y +in!o+ si%%" Theres a rye
crac*er thats been o$t there &or !ays" I(e been
+atchin) it )et raine! on an! crin*%e $' as it !ries o$t
an! )et raine! on a)ain" No bir! has e(er been c%ose to
it +hen I(e been in the roo#, +hich is #ost o& the ti#e"
S$!!en%y this #ornin) theres the s#ooth re!hea!e!
bir!, eyein) #e, I# tryin) to stay sti%% so I !ont scare it
a+ay" Then another one, +ith s'otte! hea!, %an!s, an!
a&ter a &e+ #in$tes o& +atchin) #e an! 'ec*in) at the
crac*er, o&& they )o +ith it" Its sort o& %i*e the
co##$nion +a&er" They acce'te! #y acci!enta%
o&&erin)9
M$ch, #$ch %o(e to each o& yo$" I &ee% yo$r %o(e an!
yo$r s$''ort >$ite 'a%'ab%y an! it #a*es a tre#en!o$s
!i&&erence" Its %i*e the +ater an! the &erti%i8er I )i(e to
the '%ants that %ine #y +in!o+ %e!)e, yo$r %o(e an!
s$''ort no$rishes #y s'irit an! he%'s *ee' #y .oy
stron) an! (ita%" I &ee% incre!ib%y b%esse! to ha(e the
&a#i%y an! h$sban! an! &rien!s I !o, a (ery stron) Circ%e
o& Lo(e9
Lo(e,
Treya
7"S" My +hite co$nt +ent $' to :,000, so it %oo*s %i*e
+e #i)ht #a*e it to 7aris a&ter a%%9
1.
/S,rin" Is Now !y Fa)orite Season/
DONT LET THAT ACCIDENT '$t yo$ o&&, ;en" 7aris is a
bea$ti&$% city"0
Ra!c%i&&e ha! .$st rear/en!e! a car in a s#a%% (i%%a)e
o$tsi!e o& 7aris 2 the &irst ti#e in his @@/year %i&e that he
ha! ca$se! an acci!ent" He ha! been !ri(in) &or !ays, #e
sittin) shot)$n +ith n$#ero$s #a's, '%ayin) na(i)ator, an!
S$e an! Treya ri!in) in bac*" It +as a &ab$%o$s !ri(e,
thro$)h 6er#any an! S+it8er%an! an! no+ =rance, Treya
soa*in) $' the co$ntrysi!e a&ter bein) con&ine! in the
tiniest o& roo#s &or o(er a #onth"
At this 'artic$%ar #o#ent, +e +ere #o(in) &air%y s%o+%y,
enterin) the %ine$' o& cars a%% hea!e! &or 7aris" Ra! %oo*e!
in bac* &or .$st a #o#ent, hit the car in &ront o& hi#, +hich
then hit the car in &ront o& it" Nobo!y +as h$rt, tho$)h it
+as rather co%or&$%, an! the %oca%s, not one o& +ho# s'o*e
e(en the s%i)htest En)%ish, a%% ca#e o$t &or the sho+,
e1cite!%y )est$rin) an! .abberin)" Treya, &ort$nate%y, s'o*e
&%$ent =rench, an! &or the ne1t three ho$rs she 'atient%y
an! ca%#%y ne)otiate! +ith the in(o%(e! 'arties, stan!in)
there +ith her M$et8e on to co(er her no+ 'er&ect%y ba%!
hea!, an! &ina%%y )aine! o$r re%ease"
The !ay +e %e&t Bonn, Easter S$n!ay, +as bri%%iant%y
s$nny an! cris' 2 the &irst !ay %i*e this since o$r arri(a%
in %ate =ebr$ary" We !ro(e an! !ro(e, Da! at the +hee%
an! ;en na(i)atin) $s onto the s#a%%est, #ost scenic
roa!s" As +e !ro(e thro$)h !i&&erent to+ns +e +atche!
'eo'%e co#in) o$t o& ch$rches !resse! &or Easter,
&athers %ea!in) !a$)hters by the han!, )ran!'arents
trai%in) behin! as they entere! a resta$rant, a%% cris' an!
c%ear in the bri)ht s$nshine +ith s'rin) )reen a%% aro$n!"
One to+n &e%t %i*e a seasi!e resort, o(er&%o+in) +ith
ce%ebratin) 'eo'%e en.oyin) the s$nshine an! s'rin)
&%o+ers" There #$st ha(e been thirty resta$rants +ith
o$t!oor tab%es o(er%oo*in) the ri(er, each tab%e
co#'%ete%y &$%%" The broa! 'ro#ena!e +as &i%%e! +ith
&esti(e &o%*, the 'ar* besi!e the ri(er !otte! +ith cas$a%
stro%%ers o& a%% a)es" E(eryone, it see#e!, +ante! to be
in this to+n, on o$r +ay o$t +e sa+ a %ine o& tra&&ic
bac*e! $' &or >$ite a +ays"
As +e !ro(e an! !ro(e #y eyes )ree!i%y !ran* in the
si)hts- ro%%in) %i#e/)reen #ea!o+s, ne+%y %ea&e! trees
a%on) strea#s an! bor!erin) &ie%!s, ye%%o+ &orsythia
scattere! %i*e e1c%a#ation 'oints, the &%o+erin) cherry
trees, 'atch+or* (ineyar!s &estoonin) the stee' hi%%s an!
ri(er ban*s, the %an! $n!$%atin) an! chan)in) as +e
c%i#be! &ro# one ri(er (a%%ey to another, as +e %e&t
6er#any an! #o(e! c%oser to 7aris" My hos'ita%/star(e!
eyes an! so$% !ran* it a%% in, !ran* !ee'%y an! !ee'%y yet
a)ain" I ne(er tire o& %oo*in) at the %an!, es'ecia%%y in the
s'rin)" Do yo$ thin* it #eans anythin) that a$t$#n $se!
to be #y &a(orite season b$t no+ s'rin), )ent%e bri)ht
s'rin), has ta*en its '%ace<
7aris, in!ee!, +as bea$ti&$%" An! +e )ot a once/in/a/
%i&eti#e e1tra(a)ant treat- Ra! an! S$e '$t $s a%% $' in the
Hote% Rit8, +here a si#'%e brea*&ast o& croissant an! co&&ee
+as a #ere JH0 a 'erson" B$t &or)et the Rit8" Ri)ht aro$n!
the corner +as Harrys Ne+ 3or* Bar, &a(orite ha$nt o&
He#in)+ay, =it8)era%!, an! the Lost 6eneration, an! one o&
the &e+ '%aces in 7aris +here 'eo'%e can act$a%%y s'ea*
En)%ish" Sti%% in the !o+nstairs roo# is the 'iano on +hich
6ersh+in co#'ose! #$ch o& *n *merican in -aris" Harrys
c%ai#s to ha(e in(ente! the B%oo!y Mary an! the Si!ecar,
+hether tr$e or not, their B%oo!y Marys, +e a%% a)ree!, +ere
$n&or)ettab%e"
B$t +hat #o(e! Treya an! #e to tears, %itera%%y, +as
Notre Da#e" One &oot insi!e an! yo$ *ne+ i##e!iate%y yo$
+ere in sacre! s'ace, the 'ro&ane +or%! o& cancer, i%%ness,
'o(erty, h$n)er, an! +oes, a%% chec*e! at the #a)ni&icent
!oors" The %ost art o& sacre! )eo#etry +as e(ery+here
a''arent, in(itin) yo$r a+areness to ass$#e the sa#e
!i(ine conto$rs" Treya an! I atten!e! Mass there one !ay,
ho%!in) on to each other as i& 6o! A%#i)hty, this ti#e as a
Bene(o%ent =ather &i)$re, #i)ht act$a%%y reach !o+n,
#irac$%o$s%y, an! stri*e the cancer &ro# her bo!y .$st %i*e
that, !$e to no other reason than that e(en He Hi#se%&
+o$%! be co#'e%%e! to act in a s'ace that sacre!, that &ar
re#o(e! &ro# +hat His chi%!ren ha! !one +ith the rest o&
His creation" The s$n thro$)h the staine!/)%ass +in!o+s
a%one see#e! c$rati(e, +e sat &or ho$rs in a+e"
Tracy an! Michae% arri(e!, +e sai! )oo!bye to Ra! an!
S$e, an! #o(e! to the Le&t Ban*" Tracy is a )i&te! artist,
Treya an artisan, Michae% an! I a''reciati(e on%oo*ers, so
+e a%% %ine! $' at the M$see !Orsay to see the (an 6o)h
e1hibit" Scho'enha$er ha! a theory o& art that sai!, in
e&&ect- ba! art co'ies, )oo! art creates, )reat art
transcen!s" An! by 0transcen!s,0 he #eant 0transcen!s the
s$b.ect an! ob.ect !$a%ity" 0 What a%% )reat art has in
co##on, he sai!, is its abi%ity to '$%% the sensiti(e (ie+er
o$t o& hi#/ or herse%& an! into the art, so co#'%ete%y that
the se'arate/se%& sense !isa''ears entire%y, an! &or at %east
a brie& #o#ent one is $shere! into non!$a% an! ti#e%ess
a+areness" 6reat art, in other +or!s, is #ystica%, no #atter
+hat its act$a% content" I ne(er be%ie(e! art ha! that 'o+er
$nti% I sa+ (an 6o)h" It +as si#'%y st$nnin)" Ta*e yo$r
breath a+ay, ta*e yo$r se%& a+ay, a%% at once"
Then, o$t o& 7aris on the +ay bac* to 6er#any,
Michae% !ri(in), Tracy na(i)atin), ;en an! I %o$n)in) in
the rear" Bac* to the co$ntrysi!e a)ain, a%+ays #y
&a(orite 'art" One ni)ht in Aitte%, +here the +ater co#es
&ro#" Har! to te%% i& it is a to+n 'ast its resort 'ri#e or
si#'%y a resort to+n not yet a+a*e &ro# +inter, b$t I
!i!nt care since o$r roo# %oo*e! o$t on a s$n&i%%e!,
bri%%iant%y )reen 'ar*" I '$%%e! a chair o$t onto the s#a%%
ba%cony, an! I +as content"
More +in!in), bac* co$ntry roa!s, a %o(e%y 'ri(ate
'icnic by a strea#, an! then as +e c%i#be! into so#e
hi)her hi%%s a s$r'rise " " " s*i s%o'es, o'eratin) chair %i&ts,
sno+, an! 'eo'%e s*iin)9 It +as a%rea!y abo$t H-00 7"M"
or I #i)ht ha(e trie! to 'ers$a!e the cre+ to %et #e ta*e
a &e+ r$ns 2 it >$ite t$))e! at #y heart, ho+ I +o$%!
ha(e %o(e! to be o$t there in that s$nshine on that sno+,
an! I re#e#bere! the yo$n) boy Dr" Schee& to%! $s
abo$t +ho +ent s*iin) +hen his WBC +as on%y H00" He
!ie! o& 'ne$#onia, a%as, b$t I &e%t the sa#e !esire that
%e! hi# to ta*e that &oo%har!y ris* #o(e +ithin #e"
Co%#ar +as o$r &a(orite to+n" Ha%&/ti#bere!, cra8y
%itt%e ho$ses a%% cro+!e! to)ether, co#'anionab%y
%eanin) a)ainst each other, as i& ho%!in) one another
$'ri)ht a)ainst the '$%% o& the cent$ries" S%o$chin),
sa))in), ti%tin), s>$attin), s+ayin), cro$chin), b$%)in) 2
each one a $ni>$e 'ersona%ity" One 'ainte! a %o(e%y
+eathere! sa%#on, the ne1t a rich #ott%e! crea#, then a
+eathere!, strea*e! b%$e an! a crac*e!, 'ee%in) )ray
ne1t to a cr$#b%in) ta$'e" The streets in the o%! section
are cobb%e!, narro+, an! +in!in), on%y &or 'e!estrians"
The cotta)es %ean across these narro+ streets to+ar!
each other %i*e +i8ene!, bent nei)hbors )ossi'in) o(er
the &ence year a&ter year" Do+n be%o+ +e to$rists a(i!%y
+in!o+/sho''e!, %it can!%es in the ch$rches, an! +a%*e!
an! +a%*e! an! +a%*e!"
A +e%%/*no+n a%tar'iece, the Retab%e !Issenhei#
4:K:K5, is on !is'%ay in Co%#ar" Its a bit )r$eso#e 2 %i&e
'robab%y +as a bit )r$eso#e in those !ays 2 +ith Ies$s
'ortraye! on the cross not on%y +ith (i(i! cro+n o&
thorns an! nai%s that !ri' b%oo! b$t +ith his bo!y
co(ere! +ith s#a%% re! b%ee!in) sores" Tracy 'ointe! o$t
that sy'hi%is +as ra#'ant in E$ro'e at that ti#e an! the
artist !e'icte! Ies$s +ith this 'artic$%ar%y stri*in) #ar*
o& s$&&erin)" At &irst I react to +hat I see as the Christian
e#'hasis on s$&&erin), then I re#e#ber that B$!!hist
#on*s tra!itiona%%y #e!itate in )ra(eyar!s +here the
!ea! %ie abo(e)ro$n! in (ario$s states o& !eco#'osition"
The s$&&erin) an! the 'ain are there 2 +hat #$st it ha(e
been %i*e to %i(e in the si1teenth cent$ry< 2 an! this
a%tar'iece ser(es as si#'%y yet another re#in!er" I ta*e
a breath an! +atch #y reaction to this 'artic$%ar
!e'iction, +atch the 'art o& #e that !oesnt +ant to
*no+ this sort o& thin) ha''ene! an! sti%% ha''ens, the
'art that sen!s a shi(er o& re($%sion thro$)h #y s*in at
the tho$)ht o& that ha''enin) to #e or to anyone" I
+atch #y re($%sion an! ta*e a !ee' breath an! &ee% &or
the ten!ri%s o& #ercy, &rien!%iness, co#'assion that I
*no+ are a%so +ithin #e"
In Sa%8b$r) +e !ran* A%satian +ine an! ate &ro) %e)s
an! bo$)ht 'rinte! 'easant tab%ec%oths an! (isite! the
cathe!ra%" O$r .o%%y +aitress 2 this +as one o& o$r best
#ea%s 2 sai! ne1t ti#e +e +ent to 7aris she +o$%! co#e
+ith $s, that too o&ten the &oo! in 7aris +as 0tres cher et
pas bonne,0 (ery e1'ensi(e an! not )oo!"
Bac* in 6er#any, hea!in) &or Bonn, +e sto''e! in
Ba!en/Ba!en, one o& the #ore &a#o$s o& the s'a to+ns"
Here Treya ha! an e1'erience that $'set her !ee'%y, an!
ca$se! a%% o& $s to re(ert to #a)ica% tho$)hts abo$t +hat it
a%% #eant"
The ne1t !ay +e +ent to the Ro#an/Irish bath, a (ery
re%a1in) e1'erience +here yo$ are %e! thro$)h ten
!i&&erent baths or stations, a%% a s%i)ht%y !i&&erent
te#'erat$re, the +ho%e series ca%c$%ate! to 'ro!$ce the
#ost re%a1ation" B$t that ni)ht I s$!!en%y !isco(ere!
that #y )o%! star nec*%ace +as )one" 6one9 I co$%!nt
be%ie(e it9 We searche! e(ery+here an! as*e! e(eryone
+e co$%!" My )oo! %$c* char#9 My na#e'iece9 The star
ha! been )i(en to #e by #y 'arents in San =rancisco
the !ay be&ore ;en an! I %e&t &or 6er#any" It +as base!
on a 'ict$re I ha! !ra+n an! ha! been han!#a!e by
R$sse%%, an o%! an! (ery !ear &rien! o& the &a#i%y" It
#eant a %ot to #e" A co$'%e o& ti#es !$rin) that &irst
!ar* #onth in 6er#any I ha! a+a*ene! &ro# s%ee' to
&in! #yse%& c%$tchin) the star, an! &ee%in) %ess a%one
beca$se o& it" I +as !e(astate!" Ho+ co$%! I ha(e %ost it<
It #a!e no sense, b$t it +as )one" My s$'erstitio$s si!e,
+hich nat$ra%%y )ains 'o+er !$rin) ti#es o& crisis,
&ri)htene! #e +ith tho$)hts %i*e- Is +hate(er )oo! %$c*
I(e ha! no+ )one< Does this #ean thin)s +i%% )et
+orse< Ha(e I %ost #y 0star0 &i)$rati(e%y too<
A&ter a tear&$% e(enin), +ith Tracy an! Michae% an!
;en a%% !oin) their best to conso%e #e, I s$!!en%y
tho$)ht o& so#ethin)" I tho$)ht o& a section in the
Chenre8i #e!itation as ta$)ht to #e by ;a%$ Rin'oche"
Here yo$ (is$a%i8e a%% the )o!s an! )o!!esses, b$!!has
an! bo!hisatt(as be&ore yo$ an! yo$ o&&er to the# a%%
that is bea$ti&$% an! '%easin) in the +or%!, they are (ery
'%ease! an! rain !o+n b%essin)s in a%% &or#s to the entire
$ni(erse" I a%so re#e#bere! the ta*in) an! sen!in)
(is$a%i8ation Fton)%enG, +here yo$ ta*e on the s$&&erin)s
an! 'ains o& others in the &or# o& b%ac* tar an! sen! o$t
to the# a%% yo$r o+n #erit an! )oo! *ar#a in the &or#
o& +hite %i)ht"
Here +as #y &ra#e+or*, a +ay to +or* the 'ain o&
attach#ent, a +ay to t$rn a 'hysica% %oss into a
bene&icia% e1'erience" I #e!itate! on tr$%y %ettin) )o o&
the )o%! star, both its 'hysica% bein) an! its 0)oo! %$c*0
>$a%ities, an! on sen!in) these >$a%ities o$t to others"
As I trie! this I co$%! &ee% the stren)th o& #y attach#ents
2 to #y 'arents, to the &rien! +ho #a!e the star, to the
circ$#stances o& )ettin) the star, to the i!ea o& )oo!
%$c*, to the ori)ina% si)ni&icance o& the estre%%a 4S'anish
&or star5 in #y !rea#s years a)o that %e! to #y chan)in)
#y na#e" Dee' ten!ri%s o& attach#ent, o& c%in)in), #a!e
c%ear by the shoc* o& %osin) the 'hysica% sy#bo%,
intensi&ie! by the &act that it +as a%so a (a%$ab%e 'iece o&
.e+e%ry"
An! so I +or*e!, o(er an! o(er, to )i(e it a+ay" I$st
)i(e it a+ay" I +o$%! (is$a%i8e the star itse%& in &ront o&
#e, #$%ti'%y it in #y #in! #any ti#es, then scatter a%%
these shinin), )o%!en stars &ar an! +i!e so that others
bene&ite! &ro# their bea$ty, their )oo! %$c*, their
hea%in) 'ro'erties" E(ery ti#e I &e%t the 'ain o& the %oss,
+hich +as o&ten, e(ery ti#e I $nconscio$s%y reache! &or
the star aro$n! #y nec* an! &o$n! it )one, I +o$%! !o
this" It +as not easy, b$t it +as the on%y thin) that
he%'e!" So#eti#es in #y #in! I +o$%! (ery s'eci&ica%%y
)i(e the star to each 'erson in si)ht" So#eti#es I +o$%!
)i(e it to each 'erson in the resta$rant +e +ere in,
s'eci&ica%%y (is$a%i8in) it aro$n! each 'ersons nec*"
So#eti#es I +o$%! (is$a%i8e it shinin) o(er the hea!s o&
'eo'%e on the streets" So#eti#es I +o$%! (is$a%i8e
scatterin) #i%%ions o& the stars a%% o(er the )%obe,
#yria!s o& the# t+in*%in) in the s$n%i)ht as they &e%%
s%o+%y to earth to brin) %i)ht into others %i(es"
This e1ercise #a!e #e #ore ac$te%y a+are o& other
&or#s o& c%in)in) or se%&ishness 2 %i*e +antin) the %ast bit
o& the best cheese on the 'icnic, or the %ast si' o& +ine,
or the roo# +ith the best (ie+" The %oss o& the star
hi)h%i)hte! these tiny, #o#ent/to/#o#ent &or#s o&
c%in)in), o& !esire, o& )ras'in) an! then, as I !i! +ith the
star, I co$%! 'ractice %ettin) )o by #a*in) a )i&t o&
+hate(er it +as I cra(e! to so#eone e%se" A (ery
interestin) e1'erience"
With this 'ractice, I !ont a%+ays %i*e +hat I see in
#yse%&, I# not a%+ays >$ic* to notice the c%in)in), I a#
by no #eans a%+ays s$ccess&$% in %ettin) )o 2 nor !o I
e1'ect to be, rea%%y" I &ee% a *in! o& $n!erstan!in) s#i%e
a''ear +hen I notice that I .$st )rabbe! &or the best
#orse% or beco#e a+are o& #ean tho$)hts s+ir%in) in
#y hea! or hear $n*in! +or!s si#'%y 'o' o$t o& #y
#o$th in s'ite o& #y best intentions" I ho'e I# %earnin)
to beco#e a+are o& these #o#ents in a +ay that the
#ercy I &ee% o$t+ei)hs the se%&/.$!)#ent" I o&ten thin* o&
the sayin) &ro# St" 7a$% that ;en re#in!e! #e o&,
so#ethin) %i*e 0the )oo! that I +o$%! I !o not, the e(i%
that I +o$%! not, that I !o"0 It re#in!s #e that I a# not
a%one in this str$))%e either an! stren)thens #y sense o&
co#'assion &or +hat it is to be h$#an" """
I rea%i8e this #ay a%% so$n! a bit 7o%%yannaish here,
b$t this is a cha%%en)in) e1ercise &or #e an! (ery, (ery
he%'&$%" By (is$a%i8in) the star in this +ay it sti%% e1iste!,
in a%% its bea$ty, in &act, in #y #in! there +ere #yria!s
o& the#, i#'ossib%e to %ose" My s$'erstitio$s tho$)hts
abo$t its 'hysica% 'resence or absence &a!e!" Those
ten!ri%s o& attach#ent )re+ +ea*er" I act$a%%y en.oye!
this (is$a%i8ation, +hat &$n to constant%y )i(e a )i&t o&
this *in! to e(eryone9 E(ery no+ an! then there +as an
ache to ha(e %ost so#ethin) #y 'arents )a(e #e, #a!e
by R$sse%%" B$t I re#e#ber sayin) to ;en, 03o$ *no+, its
on%y been three !ays, b$t I rea%%y thin* I# a%#ost o(er
%osin) the star"0
An! so bac* to Bonn it +as" In the %ast #ote% +e staye!
in, Michae% co##ente! that 0the #attresses are as %$#'y
as the hi%%s o& Aer!$n0 2 the 'oc*#ar*e! hi%%si!es &ro#
Wor%! War I she%%in)" Tracy +as %oo*in) &or so#e cre#e
rinse, an! a%% the stores +ere c%ose!" Michae% 'o*e! his
hea! in o$r roo#"
0Hey, any o& yo$ )$ys )ot any cre#e rinse<0
50ust put your foot out and ta!e one step3 )#erything
else %ill follo% naturally35
5'ut it's 8ust empty space,5 , complain3 'lac!, unending,
empty space3
5-lease, you must do it35
5What the hell3 Dreamtime35 , ta!e a step for%ard and
find myself falling through free space, only to alight on
%hat appears to be a mountaintop, or perhaps a hilltop, the
"igure ne2t to me3 *s , loo! up, , see millions of stars, stars
in all directions, stars lighting up the uni#erse3
5So, the stars mean Treya, right6 )strella6 That's pretty
ob#ious, sir35
5The stars do not mean )strella35
5/o6 .K, ,'ll bite3 What do the stars mean65
5They are not stars35
5.K, %hat do the %hate#er they are mean65
57ou don't !no% %hat they mean65
5/o3 , don't !no% %hat any of this means35
5+ood3 This is #ery, #ery good35
Bac* in Bonn +e sai! )oo!bye to Michae% an! Tracy" I
+as (ery sorry to see the# )o" So#e ro$)h ti#es %ay
ahea!, I co$%! sense it, an! their co#'any +o$%! be
#isse!" Schee& ha! been %oo*in) at Treyas recent tests an!
#a*in) )r$#b%in) so$n!s, the #eanin) o& +hich +e !i!nt
yet *no+" An! beca$se o& co#'%ications !$e to Treyas
(ario$s i%%nesses 2 %$n) in&ection, !iabetes, s+o%%en %e)s,
!e'%ete! bone #arro+, not to #ention cancer 2 an o(era%%
'roce!$re that #i)ht ha(e ta*en t+o #onths en!e! $'
ta*in) &o$r" The !ays !ra))e! hea(i%y a%on), bore!o#
a!!e! to &ear, a bi8arre co#bination"
0Norbert< 3o$ aro$n!<0
03es, ;en, an! +hat can I !o &or yo$<0
Norbert an! his +i&e Dte ran the Hote% ;$r&$erstenho&" In
the #onths that I +o$%! be there, Norbert beca#e o$r #an
=ri!ay, 'ro(in) hi#se%& abso%$te%y in!is'ensab%e ti#e an!
ti#e a)ain" He 'ossesse! a bri%%iant an! >$ic* inte%%i)ence,
+ith a s%i)ht%y sic* sense o& h$#or, not $n%i*e #ine 4he
once to%! #e, o& a !octor he tho$)ht %ess than co#'etent,
that 0he co$%! 're!ict the 'ast +ith E0Q acc$racy05, I
'ict$re! hi# as a %a+yer, 'erha's a !octor, b$t he see#e!
to %o(e concier)e!o#" The &irst !ay I arri(e! there I ha!
Norbert #a*e $' se(era% C1K car!s, a%% in 6er#an, that sai!
thin)s %i*e, 0Dr" Schee& )a(e #e s'ecia% 'er#ission to !o
this,0 car!s +ith +hich I na(i)ate! &air%y easi%y thro$)h the
;%ini* 4the car!s ha! a%%o+e! #e, &or e1a#'%e, to race
thro$)h the ca&eteria on the !ay o& Treyas ins$%in reaction,
)rabbin) anythin) that %oo*e! %i*e s$)ar5"
B$t #ore than that, Norbert +as a )oo! &rien!, +ith
+ho# I share! so#e (ery !i&&ic$%t ti#es"
0Norbert, +hats the +eather )oin) to be %i*e to!ay<0
0As* #e toni)ht"0
0Ri)ht" Te%% yo$ +hy I# as*in)" Treya .$st ha! her b%oo!
chec*e!, an! its sti%% +ay too %o+ to start the ne1t ro$n! o&
che#othera'y" Shes &ee%in) a bit !e.ecte!" Its not .$st that
she +ante! to )et it o(er +ith, its that e(ery !e%ay, o& e(en
a !ay, #eans the thera'y is %ess e&&ecti(e, an! no+ it %oo*s
%i*e it +i%% be another +ee*, at %east" Last ti#e it +as
!e%aye! t+o +ee*s" This .$st isnt %oo*in) )oo!, Norbert"
6o! !a#n it" Ho+ !o yo$ say that in 6er#an<0
0Oh, ;en, I a# sorry" Is there anythin) I can !o<0
0Lets try this" I nee! a c$te %itt%e #ote%, not too
e1'ensi(e, on the ri(er, say thirty *i%o#eters !o+n" An! a
cab +ith a !ri(er that s'ea*s En)%ish" An! !irections to
;oeni)s+inter" An! I nee! the sche!$%es o& the &erries
across the Rhine" An! the ho$rs o& (isitin) Drachen&e%s" Oh,
an! in ;oeni)s+inter, a resta$rant +ith so#ethin) other
than #eat" Can this be !one<0
0It is !one, ;en"0
That +o$%! ha(e ta*en #e the better 'art o& a !ay to
arran)e" Thirty #in$tes %ater Treya an! I +ere hea!e! !o+n
the Rhine, &irst to Ba! 6o!esber), then across to
;oeni)s+inter an! the #a)ni&icent Drachen&e%s, an! then to
the c$test %itt%e #ote% on the Rhine, a%% co$rtesy o& Norbert"
The +eather9 No %on)er )%oo#y an! rainy rotten b$t
c%ear an! s$nny an! )ent%e" So#e !ays theres not a
c%o$! in the s*y, other !ays '$&&y +hite c%o$!s co#e an!
)o" They say its an $n$s$a%%y %o(e%y s'rin), a&ter an
$n$s$a%%y rainy +inter" ;en an! I s'ent a +on!er&$%
+ee*en! in Ba! 6o!esber) an! ;oeni)s+inter,
s$r(eyin) the (ie+ &ro# (ario$s hi)h 'oints cro+ne!
+ith r$ine! cast%es" We staye! in a #ote% on the Rhine,
an! it +as incre!ib%y ro#antic" S'rin) is in!ee! #y
&a(orite season" I %o(e +atchin) it )ro+ e(er #ore rob$st
aro$n! #e" An! I can ta*e it +ith #e bac* into the
hos'ita%- I can c%ose #y eyes an! see be&ore #e, in
crysta% c%arity, +hite cherry b%osso#s cris' a)ainst the
s$n%i)ht, the c%ear )reen o& ne+%y $n&o%!e! %ea(es on
&orest branches a%% abo$t #e, the s+ee' o& a )reen
)reen #ea!o+ !ecorate! +ith tiny +hite !aisies an!
bra(e bri)ht ye%%o+ !an!e%ions" As c%ear as a +e%%/
&oc$se! s%i!e 'ro.ecte! on #y eye%i!s9
No+, bac* in the hos'ita%, bac* to the !irty b$siness
o& !ea%in) +ith this cancer" I starte! che#othera'y a
+ee* %ater than +e ha! antici'ate!, +aitin) &or #y
co$nts to rise" Another +ee* #a*in) che#othera'y %ess
e&&ecti(e" B$t the che#othera'y treat#ents the#se%(es
+ere, a)ain, $nbe%ie(ab%y easy" Loss o& a''etite, nee!
&or #ore s%ee', nee! &or s%ee'in) 'i%%s, an! a bit o&
!i88iness +as abo$t it 2 a)ain, so #$ch easier than
A!ria#ycin" I& a !octor e(er 'ro'ose! to '$t #e on these
!r$)s &or a year, as they !i! +ith A!ria, I co$%! han!%e it"
Whi%e A!ria &e%t %i*e it 'oisone! #y so$%, %i*e I +as
a%+ays str$))%in) to brea* thro$)h to so#e *in! o&
ha''iness, I &ee% >$ite &ine +ith this treat#ent, 'ositi(e%y
.oy&$%9
Ah, the 6er#ans" They ha(e been e1tre#e%y he%'&$%,
'%easant, an! *in! to $s 2 es'ecia%%y to ;en, +ho has
#$ch #ore contact +ith the# o$t in the +or%! than I !o"
I$st the other !ay t+o +aitresses &ro# a %oca% resta$rant
;en &re>$ents bro$)ht #e &%o+ers" There are #ore
cabbies, sho' o+ners, +aitresses &o%%o+in) #y story
than yo$ can i#a)ine9
0The Rhine in =%a#es0 is a bi) ce%ebration +hich
ha''ene! this +ee*en!, a%% the cast%es are %it $' an!
theres a bi) &ire+or*s !is'%ay" Aic*y is (isitin) $s, +hich
is )reat, an! so ;en an! Aic*y +ent to +atch &ro# the
ri(er" Theres a bi) cro+!, 'eo'%e si1 !ee', a%% a)es, %ots
o& chi%!ren, %ine! $' an! !o+n the Rhine" Its a )reat
!is'%ay, I co$%! see a &e+ o& the &ire+or*s &ro# #y
+in!o+" ;en an! Aic*y are )oin) ooh, ahh, %oo* at that
one, +hen they s$!!en%y rea%i8e that e(eryone aro$n!
the# is co#'%ete%y si%ent" 3o$ co$%! hear a 'in !ro'"
Nothin) &ro# the chi%!ren either" Aery eerie, they sai!"
;en %ater as*e! the !es* c%er* +hat +as ha''enin),
e1'%ainin) that in the D"S" +e )o oooh an! aaahh +hen
there are )reat &ire+or*s" The c%er* &irst sai!, #aybe yo$
!rin* #ore beer< ;en %a$)he! an! sai!, i#'ossib%e, yo$
!rin* #ore beer than anybo!y in the +or%!, thats not it"
The c%er* then sai!, 0In 6er#any +e !ont )o ooohh or
aahh, +e say shhhh"0
Aic*y an! I see#e! to st$#b%e aro$n! Bonn &ro# one
hi%ario$s sit$ation to the ne1t, +hich !i! a%% o& o$r s'irits
)oo!" At one 'oint +e sat !o+n at a s#a%% si!e+a%* ca&e,
Aic*y to )et her ca''$ccino, #e #y ;o%sch" A +aiter ca#e
$' to the tab%e an! sai!, 03o$re ;en Wi%ber, arent yo$< I
ha(e a ho%e in #y sto#ach an! nee! $r)ent he%'"0
A ho%e in his sto#ach< We +ere horri&ie!" We &i)$re! he
ha! sto#ach cancer, an! that he tho$)ht beca$se o& #y
ba%! hea! I a%so ha! cancer, an! he nee!e! #e!ica%
attention ri)ht a+ay" Aic*y %oo*e! ashen" I )ot $' to r$sh
hi# to the ;%ini*"
T$rns o$t he ha! seen one o& #y boo*s in a %oca%
boo*store +in!o+, reco)ni8e! #y 'ict$re, an! +ante!
!es'erate%y to ta%* abo$t a%% his 'rob%e#s, 'artic$%ar%y abo$t
the )ir%&rien! that ha! .$st %e&t hi#" 0Ho%e in #y sto#ach0
+as his en!earin) atte#'t in En)%ish to say 0e#'tiness in
the 'it o& #y bein)0 2 in other +or!s, he +as !e'resse!"
An! so !o+n he '%o''e!, other c$sto#ers be !a#ne!, an!
&or o(er an ho$r e1'%aine! this a+&$% ho%e in his sto#ach"
I co$%!nt he%' b$t co##ent to Aic*y an! ;en that I
+ishe! I ha! &o$n! this '%ace ear%ier" I ta%*e! a bit abo$t
the 0#ista*es0 I &e%t I ha! #a!e in the 'ast 2 not ha(in)
a #astecto#y &irst instea! o& a se)#enta%, not )oin) on
ta#o1i&in" This is +ater $n!er the bri!)e, o& co$rse, an!
any cancer 'atient +ho has a rec$rrence 'robab%y
a%+ays &ee%s they !i! not !o eno$)h" Each o& $s can
co#e $' +ith #ore than one instance o& so#ethin) +e
'asse! $' that #i)ht ha(e he%'e! at %east !e%ay
rec$rrence"
The 'oint &or #e is not to )et %ost in recri#ination 2
a%tho$)h I so#eti#es s%i!e !o+n that s%i''ery s%o'e o&
re)ret 2 b$t to try to $se the )%asses o& hin!si)ht/+is!o#
4a%+ays in '%enti&$% s$''%y5 to %oo* at #y c$rrent
sit$ation" What I see in #any o& these 'ast 'oints o&
choice is a certain %a8iness an! a ten!ency to re%y on the
0bi) )$n0 treat#ents an! ne)%ect the a%%/i#'ortant
&o%%o+/$' 4stayin) on a strict !iet, #e)a (ita#ins,
e1ercise, (is$a%i8ation, etc"5" I(e !one that &air%y +e%%,
b$t there are ti#es I .$st %et it s%i!e" As in, I(e !one
s$r)ery an! ra!iation or I(e !one che#othera'y, isnt
that eno$)h to 'ay, +ont that ta*e care o& it, I +ant to
.$st )et bac* to #y %i&e an! not )o any+here e%se or see
another !octor or ha(e to #a*e another !i&&ic$%t
treat#ent choice" I(e )i(en #y 'o$n! o& &%esh or #y
year o& s$&&erin), that +i%% ta*e care o& it, an! its too
har! to !eci!e +hat e%se to !o in this #$r*y area
any+ay"
I a%so see a nat$ra% !esire to be%ie(e the best 40its
on%y a %oca% rec$rrence05 b%o+n a bit o$t o& 'ro'ortion by
the +ho%e 'ositi(e thin*in) #o(e#ent- concentrate har!
on bein) c%ear o& cancer, say 0I# +e%%0 +ith tota%
con(iction, )$ar! a)ainst any stray tho$)hts o& &$t$re
stays in hos'ita%s or s$s'icions that cancer sti%% %$r*s
so#e+here in yo$r bo!y, beca$se these are ne)ati(e
tho$)hts that ha(e the 'o+er to #a)ica%%y #a*e the#
co#e tr$e"
I &e%t so#e 'ress$re &ro# &rien!s an! &a#i%y to thin*
'ositi(e%y a%so" Whi%e its $n!erstan!ab%e that no one,
+hether sic* or +e%% 4i"e", 'otentia%%y sic*5, +ants to thin*
abo$t the +orst 'ossibi%ities, &rien!s an! &a#i%y sho$%!
re#e#ber that the &ear o& so#eone +ith cancer is not
$nrea%istic, not si#'%y ne)ati(e thin*in)" Ho'e&$%%y they
can %earn to beco#e #ore co#&ortab%e +ith this &ear,
beca$se in #any cases it can ser(e a 'ositi(e &$nction, it
sho$%! be %istene! to an! +or*e! +ith, not !enie!"
I no+ &ee% that si#'%istic i!eas abo$t 'ositi(e thin*in)
not on%y %e! #e to !eny #y &ear b$t !i#inishe! #y
#oti(ation to contin$e +ith other treat#ents a&ter
che#othera'y" An incre!ib%y hi)h %e(e% o& #oti(ation is
nee!e! +hen the 0so#ethin) e%ses0 re>$ire &irst #a*in)
a !i&&ic$%t choice 4nothin) is c%ear in the &ie%! o&
a%ternati(e or co#'%e#entary cancer treat#ent5, then a
%ot o& !ai%y +or*, not to #ention the ti#e an! e1'ense o&
tra(e%in) to !istant c%inics an! !octors" What %oo*s %i*e
an interestin) treat#ent on 'a'er +hen yo$re +e%%
beco#es >$ite a cha%%en)e to act$a%%y carry thro$)h in
!ai%y %i&e +hen yo$re sic*" An! i& yo$ are .$st 'racticin)
'ositi(e thin*in), yo$ +ont ha(e the necessary
#oti(ation"
When I t$rn #y attention to the 'resent, )in)er%y
a!.$stin) these s'ecia% +is!o#/o&/hin!si)ht )%asses on
#y nose, +hat !o I see< A)ain, the bit o& %a8iness that
+ants to re%y on Dr" Schee&s 0bi) )$ns0 an! %et the rest
s%i!e" A)ain, the rather insi!io$s be%ie& that thin*in)
'ositi(e%y +i%% #a*e it )o a+ay" B$t +ith the )%asses
these ten!encies are in &oc$s, I see the# rather c%ear%y,
an! beca$se o& that I a# hi)h%y #oti(ate! to carry on
#y search &or co#'%e#entary, %on)/ter# thera'ies"
Once I choose the co#bination that &ee%s ri)ht to #e, I
*no+ I +i%% be hi)h%y co##itte! to &o%%o+in) thro$)h" I
*no+ that #y %a8iness, #y !esire to %ea! a nor#a% %i&e
%i*e others, +i%% &ee! on the >$estions an! !o$bts abo$t
#y choice that +i%% ine(itab%y co#e $' as I )et ne+
reco##en!ations or hear ne+ stories &ro# &rien!s or as
ne+ res$%ts e#er)e" B$t I &ee% I +i%% be ab%e to *ee' the
%a8iness an! the !esire to be%ie(e the best &ro# c%o$!in)
the 'ict$re" An! I +rite abo$t this in ho'es that it +i%%
he%' others #aintain the hi)h %e(e% o& #oti(ation nee!e!
to !ea% +ith the constant $'s an! !o+ns o& %i(in) +ith
cancer"
An! then a)ain, I re#in! #yse%& that e(erythin) I !o
#ay ha(e %itt%e or no e&&ect on the co$rse o& !isease or
the o$tco#e" I re#in! #yse%& to breathe !ee'%y, to re%a1"
Moti(ation &$e%e! by recri#inations abo$t the 'ast on%y
$n!er#ines #e" When I &ee% #yse%& be)in to c%$tch at
so#ethin), I re#in! #yse%& to %et )o" To be )ent%e +ith
#yse%&" To stay +ith not *no+in)" A%+ays the ri!!%e o&
e&&ort%ess e&&ort, o& choice%ess choice, o& #oti(e%ess
#oti(ation" E&&ort +itho$t attach#ent to a )oa%"
As Treya be)an her secon! che#othera'y treat#ent 2
+hich +ent +itho$t a )%itch 2 the +ho%e iss$e o&
(is$a%i8ation ca#e $' &or her a)ain, since one is s$''ose!
to (is$a%i8e the che#othera'y attac*in) the cancer" Her
!i&&ic$%ty centere! aro$n! so/ca%%e! acti(e (ers$s 'assi(e
(is$a%i8ation" Treya +o$%! e(ent$a%%y co#e to &ee% that both
+ere i#'ortant 2 a)ain, it is not bein) (ers$s !oin) b$t the
ri)ht ba%ance o& both" At this ti#e, ho+e(er, #ost o& the
(is$a%i8ation e1ercises bein) $se! by cancer 'atients +ere
(ery acti(e, an! Treya &e%t they nee!e! to be s$''%e#ente!
+ith #ore o'en an! non!irecte! a''roaches" To+ar! this
en! she +or*e! o&ten +ith E!ith, +ho +as herse%& a
trans'ersona% thera'ist +ith a Ro)erian s%ant" Treya +rote
$' her obser(ations in a 'a'er that +as +i!e%y circ$%ate!
thro$)ho$t (ario$s cancer centers in A#erica"
0;en< ;en< Are yo$ there<0
0Oh, hi, Norbert" Whats $'<0
0Loo* at this"0
03o$re *i!!in)9 Where on earth !i! that co#e &ro#< I !o
not be%ie(e this"0
I +as sittin) in #y roo# the other !ay, (isitin) +ith
E!ith, an! ;en +a%*e! in" I +as te%%in) E!ith abo$t %osin)
#y star, an! ho+ I +as +or*in) to .$st )i(e it a+ay, )i(e
it to e(erybo!y" I to%! her that I ha! rea! #$ch
si)ni&icance into %osin) it, since it +as #y na#esa*e" ;en
be)an *i!!in) #e abo$t this o!!, s$'erstitio$s si!e o&
#yse%&" He .o*e! that I !ont '$t near%y as #$ch &aith in
'ositi(e o#ens as I !o in ne)ati(e ones" I i##e!iate%y
sai!, 0No, thats not tr$e, the )oo! si)ns are .$st as &$%%
o& #eanin)"0 He sai!, 0Oh )oo!, so yo$ !o be%ie(e in
'ositi(e o#ens" Then +hat !o yo$ #a*e o& this<0 he
as*e!, '$%%in) the )o%! star on its chain o$t o& his 'oc*et"
I +as st$nne!" Where co$%! it ha(e co#e &ro#, a&ter a%%
this ti#e< ;en +o$%!nt te%% #e &or the %on)est ti#e" 0I
.$st +ant to #a*e s$re that, i& yo$re )oin) to rea!
so#ethin) rea%%y ba! into %osin) it, yo$re )oin) to rea!
so#ethin) e>$a%%y )oo! in its sho+in) $'"0
The %a$n!ry %a!y at the hote% ha! &o$n! it in the bac*
'oc*et o& #y 'ants, a 'oc*et I ha! &or)otten e1iste!" At
the baths, o$t o& concern abo$t %ea(in) the star in a
%oc*er +ith #y c%othes, I #$st ha(e b$ttone! it into this
'oc*et an! 'ro#'t%y &or)otten abo$t it" I +as !e%i)hte!
to ha(e the star bac*, co#&ortab%y aro$n! #y nec*,
ho'e&$%%y brin)in) #e )oo! %$c*" B$t the o!! thin) is
that, #$ch as I %o(e the star, it +as e(en #ore 'o+er&$%
&or #e +hen %ost" I sti%% 'ractice )i(in) it a+ay, seein) it
on other 'eo'%e, i#a)inin) it %i(in) in their hearts" Its a
)oo! 'ractice, b$t %ess cha%%en)in) than )i(in) a+ay
so#ethin) I sti%% %on)e! &or b$t !i! not ha(e" On the
other han!, the 'ractice o& )i(in) it a+ay #i)ht ha(e
&a!e! +ith ti#e as the #e#ory o& the star &a!e!, no+
the star aro$n! #y nec* is a constant re#in!er, an! the
'ractice contin$es"
I$st the other e(enin), +hi%e on #y ho$r +a%* in the
+oo!s behin! E!iths, I ha! a (ery 'o+er&$% contin$ation
o& this 0)i(in)/a+ay"0 I +as 'racticin) )i(in) a+ay the
star, an! I notice! that I a%+ays &ee% that +hen I# bein)
)oo! to #yse%& it #eans not bein) nice to other 'eo'%e"
The %ast bit o& +ine ro$tine 2 i& I# bein) nice to #yse%& I
)i(e the %ast bit o& +ine to #e an! then so#eone e%se
cant ha(e it"
I +as &ee%in) con&%icte! abo$t that, an! s$!!en%y the
0Who a# I<0 >$estion 'o''e! $'" An! I be)an to rea%i8e
that the !istinction bet+een bein) nice to others an!
bein) nice to #yse%&, the con&%ict that I sa+ there, +asnt
rea%%y there" An! that i& I +or* +ith the 0Who a# I<0
in>$iry eno$)h, the bo$n!aries, the !istinctions,
bet+een #e an! others be)in to &a!e, so that its not a
>$estion o& either?or, bein) nice to #yse%& or bein) nice
to so#eone e%se" The #ore those bo$n!aries &a!e, then
the #ore an action that I a%+ays constr$e! as bein) nice
to so#eone e%se is so#ethin) I +ant to !o &or #yse%&" I
en.oy )i(in) so#eone e%se the %ast bit o& +ine" Or a%% o& it
&or that #atter9
This +as a (ery i#'ortant iss$e &or #e" I ha! been
+or*in) +ith it +ith the star, an! be&ore then +ith
ton)%en" This +as another ste' a%on) that 'ath, $sin) the
0Who a# I<0 >$estion to $'root that sense o& !i(ision,
that sense o& se'arateness" E(ery ti#e I )rab &or the %ast
bit o& cheese, I as*, 0Oh" Whos !oin) the )rabbin)< Who
&ee%s !e'ri(e!<0 An! then I )et as #$ch '%eas$re )i(in)
it a+ay" As ;en says, theres on%y one Se%& en.oyin) it a%%
any+ay" So it see#s that the so#e+hat har! an! &ast
!istinction bet+een se%& an! other is +hat has been in
#y +ay in the 'ast an! +hat has *e't #e &ro# act$a%%y
bein) nice to #yse%& as +e%%" Loc*e! in that !istinction, i&
I +as nice to others I &e%t !e'ri(e! #yse%&, an! i& nice to
#yse%& I &e%t stin)y an! #ean" No+ its so #$ch easier to
%et )o o& that an! en.oy the )i(in), +hich bene&its #e
and others" I(e *no+n this be&ore, o& co$rse, b$t this
+as a (ery concrete an! 'ractica% rea%i8ation, an! +as
(ery i#'ortant to #e"
Whi%e Treya +as reco(erin) &ro# the secon! treat#ent,
she !e(e%o'e! a #i%! &%are/$' o& her %$n) in&ection" Nothin)
serio$s, the !octors ass$re! $s, b$t, concerne! +ith o$tsi!e
conta#ination, they as*e! #e to c$rtai% #y (isits &or a &e+
!ays" Treya an! I chec*e! in by 'hone, she +as +or*in) on
her art, #e!itatin), +ritin) %etters, +or*in) +ith 0Who a#
I<,0 +ritin) in her .o$rna%, !oin) &ine"
I +as not" So#ethin) (ery ba! +as )oin) on insi!e #e,
b$t I co$%!nt &i)$re o$t +hat, e1act%y" I &e%t a+&$%"
0Norbert, I# )oin) bac* o(er to Drachen&e%s" I%% ca%% yo$
&ro# ;oeni)s+inter" An! yo$ ha(e E!iths n$#ber, ri)ht<0
03es, ;en" Are yo$ O;<0
0I !ont *no+, Norbert" I !ont *no+"0
I +a%*e! to the Rhine, too* the &erry to ;oeni)s+inter"
=ro# there the tro%%ey r$ns a%% the +ay $' to the to', to the
&ab$%o$s Drachen&e%s, E$ro'es #ost (isite! #o$ntain, site
o& a nob%e &ortress that once he%! the Rhine &or t+o h$n!re!
#i%es" Li*e any scenic +on!er, Drachen&e%s is a #i1t$re o&
breathta*in) #on$#ent co(ere! +ith rather tac*y to$rist
attractions" B$t there is a to+er in the &ortress that not
#any to$rists bother to +a%* $'" It ta*es 'erha's t+enty
#in$tes o& %abore! c%i#bin) $' stee', s#a%%,
c%a$stro'hobia/in!$cin) ste's"
=ro# the to' o& this to+er I co$%! see &or 'erha's a
h$n!re! #i%es in a%% !irections" My eyes s+e't ri)ht- the
to+er at Ba! 6o!esber), the Bonn cathe!ra%, the )reat Do#
o& Co%o)ne, se(enty *i%o#eters north" I %oo*e! $'- Hea(en, I
%oo*e! !o+n- Earth" Hea(en, Earth, Hea(en, Earth" An!
thats +hat starte! #e thin*in) o& Treya" In the 'ast &e+
years she ha! ret$rne! to her roots in the Earth, to her %o(e
o& nat$re, to the bo!y, to #a*in), to her &e#ininity, to her
)ro$n!e! o'enness an! tr$st an! carin)" Whi%e I ha!
re#aine! +here I +ante! to be, +here I #yse%& a# at ho#e
2 in Hea(en, +hich, in #ytho%o)y, !oes not #ean the +or%!
o& S'irit b$t the A'o%%onian +or%! o& i!eas, o& %o)ic, o&
conce'ts an! sy#bo%s" Hea(en is o& the #in!, Earth is o&
the bo!y" I too* &ee%in)s an! re%ate! the# to i!eas, Treya
too* i!eas an! re%ate! the# to &ee%in)s" I #o(e! &ro# the
'artic$%ar to the $ni(ersa%, constant%y, Treya #o(e! &ro#
the $ni(ersa% to the concrete, a%+ays" I %o(e! thin*in), she
%o(e! #a*in)" I %o(e! c$%t$re, she %o(e! nat$re" I sh$t the
+in!o+ so I co$%! hear Bach, she t$rne! o&& Bach so she
co$%! hear the bir!s"
In the tra!itions, S'irit is &o$n! neither in Hea(en nor in
Earth, b$t in the Heart" The Heart has a%+ays been seen as
the inte)ration or the $nion 'oint o& Hea(en an! Earth, the
'oint that Earth )ro$n!e! Hea(en an! Hea(en e1a%te! the
Earth" Neither Hea(en nor Earth a%one co$%! ca't$re S'irit,
on%y the ba%ance o& the t+o &o$n! in the Heart co$%! %ea! to
the secret !oor beyon! !eath an! #orta%ity an! 'ain"
An! that is +hat Treya ha! !one &or #e, that is +hat +e
ha! !one &or each other- 'ointe! the +ay to the Heart"
When +e '$t o$r ar#s aro$n! each other, Hea(en an!
Earth $nite!, Bach an! the bir!s both starte! sin)in),
ha''iness o'ene! $' be&ore $s as &ar as the eye co$%! see"
0When +e +ere &irst to)ether, +e +ere so#eti#es irritate!
by these !i&&erences, #e the absent/#in!e! 'ro&essor
a%+ays ta*in) &%i)ht in i!eas, s'innin) co#'%e1 theories
aro$n! the si#'%est o& e(ents, Treya a%+ays h$))in) the
)ro$n!, re&$sin) to &%y +itho$t '%annin) the sche!$%es
ahea! o& ti#e"
B$t +e soon ca#e to see that that +as the entire 'oint,
that +e +ere !i&&erent, that #aybe this a''%ie! to #any
#en an! +o#en 4a %a Caro% 6i%%i)an5, an! that, &ar &ro#
bein) +ho%e an! se%&/containe! 'eo'%e, +e +ere each ha%&/
'eo'%e, one o& Hea(en, one o& Earth, an! that +as e1act%y
as +e sho$%! be" We ca#e to a''reciate those !i&&erences 2
not .$st honor the#, b$t be than*&$% &or the#" I +i%% a%+ays
be at ho#e in i!eas, Treya +i%% a%+ays be at ho#e in nat$re,
b$t to)ether, .oine! in the Heart, +e +ere +ho%e, +e co$%!
&in! that 'ri#a% $nity +hich neither a%one co$%! #ana)e"
O$r &a(orite 7%ato >$ote beca#e- 0Men an! +o#en +ere
once +ho%e b$t +ere torn in t+o, an! the '$rs$it an! !esire
o& that +ho%e is ca%%e! %o(e"0
The $nion o& Hea(en an! Earth, I *e't thin*in), as #y
eyes %oo*e! $', %oo*e! !o+n" With Treya, I tho$)ht, I a#
be)innin), .$st be)innin)5 to &in! #y Heart"
An! Treya is )oin) to !ie" An! +ith that tho$)ht I be)an
cryin), sobbin) act$a%%y, $ncontro%%ab%y an! (ery %o$!%y" A
&e+ 'eo'%e s'ea*in) 6er#an as*e! #e, I 'res$#e!, i& I +as
a%% ri)ht, I +ishe! I ha! #y %itt%e 6er#an car! that sai! 0Dr"
Schee& )a(e #e s'ecia% 'er#ission to !o this"0
I !ont *no+ +hen it +as that I &irst rea%i8e! Treya +o$%!
!ie" 7erha's it +as +hen that !octor to%! #e o& her brain
an! %$n) t$#ors, an! as*e! #e to sit on it" 7erha's it +as
+hen o$r A#erican !octors )a(e her si1 #onths to %i(e
+itho$t treat#ent" 7erha's it +as +hen I act$a%%y sa+ the
CAT scans o& her t$#or/ri!!en bo!y" B$t +hene(er it +as, it
a%% ca#e &ina%%y crashin) !o+n on #e" Tho$)hts that I ha!
'$she! o$t o& #y #in! &or years ca#e r$shin) $'" The
brain t$#or #i)ht )o into re#ission, b$t e(en Schee& ha!
)i(en her on%y a H0Q chance o& %$n) re#ission, an! not too
#any 'eo'%e +ere co$ntin) on those &i)$res" Horrib%e
i#a)es o& her %i*e%y &$t$re ran thro$)h #y #in!- Treya in
'ain, tryin) to breathe, )as'in) &or air, hoo*e! $' to a
res'irator, contin$o$s #or'hine IA !ri', &a#i%y an! &rien!s
'acin) hos'ita% corri!ors +aitin) &or the %abore! breathin)
to co#e to rest" I he%! #y si!es an! *e't roc*in) bac* an!
&orth, sayin), 0No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no" " " "0
I too* the &irst tro%%ey !o+n the #o$ntain an! ca%%e!
Norbert &ro# the %oca% '$b"
0Treya is &ine, ;en" An! yo$<0
0Dont +ait $' &or #e, Norbert"0
I sat at the bar an! starte! !rin*in) (o!*a, %ots o& it" The
horrib%e i#a)es o& Treya *e't )oin) thro$)h #y #in!, b$t
no+ I +as a%so bein) s+e't $' in see#in)%y $nen!in) se%&/
'ity" 7oor #e, 'oor #e, as I *e't thro+in) !o+n ;orn, the
+retche! 6er#an i#itation o& (o!*a" E(en in Tahoe I ha!
ne(er )otten &a%%in)/!o+n !r$n*" I 'rocee!e! to !o so"
When I )ot bac* to the ;$r&$erstenho&, ho+ I !ont
re#e#ber, Norbert 'o$re! #e into be! an! %e&t a han!&$% o&
(ita#in B tab%ets on the ni)htstan!" The ne1t #ornin) he
sent the c%eanin) %a!y in to #a*e s$re I too* the#" I ca%%e!
Treyas roo#"
0Hi, honey, ho+ yo$ !oin)<0
0I# &ine, s+eetheart" Its S$n!ay, yo$ *no+, so aro$n!
here nothin) is ha''enin)" My &e(ers )oin) !o+n" I sho$%!
be &ine in a &e+ !ays" We ha(e an a''oint#ent +ith Schee&
on We!nes!ay" Hes )oin) to )o o(er the res$%ts o& the %ast
treat#ent"0
I )ot (io%ent%y na$seate! at the tho$)ht, beca$se I *ne+
+hat he +as )oin) to say, or tho$)ht I !i!, +hich is a%% that
#attere! in #y state"
03o$ nee! anythin), honey<0
0No'e" I# act$a%%y in the #i!!%e o& #y (is$a%i8ation, so I
cant ta%* %on)"0
0No 'rob%e#" Listen, I# )oin) o$t &or a ri!e" 3o$ nee!
anythin), yo$ ca%% Norbert or E!ith" O;<0
0S$re" Ha(e a )oo! ti#e"0
I too* the e%e(ator !o+n to the &ront !es*" Norbert +as
there"
0;en, yo$ sho$%! not )et !r$n* %i*e that" 3o$ ha(e to be
stron) &or Treya"0
0Oh 6o!, Norbert, I# tire! o& bein) stron)" I +ant to be
+ea* an! s'ine%ess &or a +hi%e" S$its #e better"0
0Dont ta%* %i*e that, ;en, it !oes not he%' anythin)"0
0Loo*, Norbert, I# )oin) o$t &or a !ri(e" To Ba!
6o!esber)" I%% ca%% an! chec* in"0
0Dont !o anythin) st$'i!, ;en"0
I stare! at hi# as the cab '$%%e! a+ay"
6er#any is c%ose! on S$n!ay" I be)an +a%*in) the bac*
streets o& 6o!esber) &ee%in) sorrier an! sorrier &or #yse%&"
At this 'oint I +asnt so #$ch thin*in) o& Treya as I +as
+a%%o+in) in #e" My +ho%e &$c*in) %i&e is a sha#b%es, I(e
)i(en it a%% $' &or Treya, an! no+ Treya, I%% *i%% her, is )oin)
to !ie"
As I +a%*e! an! e#ote!, 'isse! that no '$bs see#e! to
be o'en, I hear! 'o%*a #$sic co#in) &ro# se(era% b%oc*s
a+ay" It #$st be a '$b, I tho$)ht, e(en on S$n!ay yo$ cant
*ee' )oo! 6er#ans a+ay &ro# ;o%sch an! 7iers" I &o%%o+e!
the #$sic to a c$te %itt%e '$b abo$t si1 b%oc*s o$t o& to+n"
Insi!e +ere 'erha's a !o8en #en, a%% o& the# so#e+hat
e%!er%y, #aybe in their %ate si1ties, rosy chee*s &ro# years
o& startin) the !ay +ith ;o%sch" The #$sic +as %i(e%y, not
+hat A#ericans thin* o& as 'o%*a, +hich is a *in! o&
sh#a%t8y La+rence We%* #$sh, b$t #ore %i*e a$thentic
6er#an b%$e)rass #$sic, I %o(e! this #$sic" Abo$t ha%& o&
the #en 2 there +ere no +o#en, an! no yo$n)er #en 2
+ere !ancin) to)ether in a se#icirc%e, ar#s o(er each
others sho$%!ers, a ty'e o& Lorba/the/6ree* !ance, it
%oo*e! %i*e to #e, e(ery no+ an! then *ic*in) their %e)s $'
in $nison"
I sat !o+n at the bar, by #yse%&, an! '$t #y hea! in #y
ar#s" A ;o%sch a''eare! in &ront o& #e, an!, +itho$t
+on!erin) +here it ca#e &ro#, I !ran* it at one '$%%"
Another a''eare!" I !ran* it" I )$ess they thin* I# r$nnin)
a tab, I tho$)ht"
Abo$t &o$r beers %ater I starte! cryin) a)ain, tho$)h no+
I try to hi!e it" I !ont e(er re#e#ber cryin) this #$ch, I
thin*" Cryin) &or #yse%&, any+ay" I a# startin) to )et
s%i)ht%y ti'sy by no+" A &e+ o& the #en !ance in #y
!irection an! )est$re &or #e to .oin the#" No, than* yo$,
no, I )est$re bac*" A &e+ beers %ater they )est$re a)ain,
on%y this ti#e one o& the# ta*es #e by the ar#, in a
&rien!%y +ay, an! t$)s"
5,ch spreche !ein Deutsche,5 I say, the one 'hrase I ha(e
#e#ori8e!" They *ee' t$))in) an! )est$rin), s#i%in),
%oo*in) concerne!, %oo*in) %i*e they +ant to he%'" I thin*
serio$s%y abo$t bo%tin) &or the !oor, b$t I ha(ent 'ai! &or
the beer" A+*+ar!%y, (ery se%&/conscio$s%y, I .oin the #en
!ancin), ar#s aro$n! those on both si!es o& #e, #o(in)
bac* an! &orth, *ic*in) o$r %e)s $' e(ery no+ an! then" I
start %a$)hin), then I start cryin), then %a$)hin), then
cryin)" I +o$%! %i*e to t$rn a+ay, to hi!e +hat is ha''enin)
to #e, b$t I a# %oc*e! ar#/an!/sho$%!er into the
se#icirc%e" =or abo$t &i&teen #in$tes I see# to %ose a%%
contro% o(er #y e#otions" =ear, 'anic, se%&/'ity, %a$)hter,
.oy, terror, &ee%in) sorry &or #yse%&, &ee%in) ha''y abo$t
#yse%& 2 they a%% co#e r$shin) thro$)h #e an! sho+ on #y
&ace, +hich e#barrasses #e, b$t the #en *ee' no!!in)
their hea!s, an! s#i%in), as i& to te%% #e its a%% O;, yo$n)
#an, its a%% O;" I$st *ee' !ancin), yo$n) #an, .$st *ee'
!ancin)" 3o$ see< Li*e this"""
I staye! in that '$b &or t+o ho$rs, !ancin) an! !rin*in)
;o%sch" I ne(er +ante! to %ea(e" So#eho+, in that short
'erio!, it a%% see#e! to co#e to a hea!, to rise $' an! +ash
thro$)h #y syste#, to be e1'ose! an! to be acce'te!" Not
tota%%y, b$t I !i! see# to co#e to so#e sort o& 'eace abo$t
it a%%, eno$)h, at any rate, to carry on" I &ina%%y )ot $' to )o,
an! )est$re! )oo!bye to a%% the #en" They +a(e! an! *e't
!ancin)" Nobo!y e(er char)e! #e &or the beer"
I %ater to%! E!ith this story, an! she sai!, 0Ah, no+ yo$
*no+ +hat the rea% 6er#any is %i*e"0
I +o$%! %i*e to c%ai# that #y bi) satori abo$t acce'tin)
Treyas con!ition, that #y co#in) to ter#s +ith her %i*e%y
!eath, that #y beco#in) &ina%%y res'onsib%e &or #y o+n
choices abo$t settin) asi!e #y interests an! !oin) anythin)
to s$''ort her 2 I +o$%! %i*e to c%ai# that a%% o& that ca#e
&ro# so#e 'o+er&$% #e!itation session +ith b%a8in) +hite
%i)ht an! s'ontaneo$s insi)hts 'o$rin) o(er #e, that I
)rabbe! a han!&$% o& Len co$ra)e an! '%$n)e! bac* into
the &i)ht, that I reache! hi)h &or so#e transcen!enta%
e'i'hany that set #e strai)ht at once" B$t it ha''ene! in a
%itt%e '$b +ith a b$nch o& *in!%y o%! #en +hose na#es I !o
not *no+ an! +hose %an)$a)e I !i! not s'ea*"
Bac* in Bonn, #y +orst &ears, an! Treyas, be)an to
#ateria%i8e" =irst, the brain t$#or ha! not )one into
co#'%ete re#ission, as it !oes in abo$t B0Q o& si#i%ar
cases" This +as 'artic$%ar%y serio$s, beca$se Treya ha!
a%rea!y recei(e! the $''er %i#its o& brain ra!iation" Secon!,
a%tho$)h the %ar)e %$n) t$#or ha! shr$n*, at %east t+o ne+
t$#ors sho+e! $'" An! thir!, $%traso$n! t$rne! $' t+o
s'ots on her %i(er"
We +ent bac* to her roo#, an! Treya co%%a'se! in tears"
I '$t #y ar#s aro$n! her an! +e )a8e! o$t the s#a%%
+in!o+ +hi%e she crie!" I breathe! in her 'ain an! he%! her
ti)ht%y" So#eho+, I &e%t the tears I ha! a%rea!y crie! +ere
tears &or .$st this, .$st e1act%y this"
0I &ee% %i*e I(e recei(e! #y !eath sentence" I# stan!in)
here at #y +in!o+, %oo*in) at the bea$ti&$% s'rin), #y
&a(orite, &a(orite season, an! no+ I thin* this one +i%% be #y
%ast"0
Treya +rote to her &rien!s, bein) (ery care&$% in her
+or!in)-
I(e !eci!e! the on%y #eta'hor &or %i(in) +ith
#etastatic cancer is ri!in) an en!%ess ro%%er coaster 4an!
ho+ I $se! to %o(e the#95" I si#'%y ne(er *no+ i& I#
abo$t to )et )oo! ne+s or )o o&& the e!)e o& a c%i&&,
%ea(in) #y sto#ach behin! an! &ee%in) &ear &%oo!
thro$)h #y bo!y" They !i! an $%traso$n! %i(er scan %ast
+ee*, there I %ay +hi%e the technician +ent o(er an! o(er
the area &ro# a%% 'ossib%e an)%es an! then ca%%e! in
another +o#an" They !isc$sse! thin)s 2 in 6er#an 2
an! then +ent o(er it a)ain an! a)ain" By no+ I +as
co#'%ete%y 'anic*e!, tho$)h no one sai! anythin) to #e
other than 0Breathe !ee'%y 2 ho%! 2 nor#a% breathin),0
o(er an! o(er" When I )ot $' I sa+ t+o s#a%% s'ots on
the screen" Con(ince! I ha! %i(er cancer, I +ent $' to #y
roo# an! &e%% a'art" I #i)ht not e(en #a*e it thro$)h the
year, I tho$)ht, I ha(e to )et rea!y &or that 'ossibi%ity"
So ho+ !o I 're'are #yse%& in+ar!%y &or terrib%e ne+s,
+hich can co#e at any #o#ent, +hi%e not $n!er#inin)
#y %i&e &orce, #y 0+i%% to %i(e0< Ho+ !o I c$%ti(ate
acce'tance +hi%e a%so &i)htin) &or #y %i&e< I !ont rea%%y
*no+" I# not e(en s$re its a (a%i! >$estion, there #ay
be no o''osition bet+een the t+o, &$n!a#enta%%y" I(e
co#e to &ee% that 'erha's the &act that so#eti#es #y
#oo! is #ore 're!o#inant%y one o& acce'tance an! at
others #ore o& a &i)htin) attit$!e is the +ay %i&e is,
a%ternatin) bet+een ne)ati(e an! 'ositi(e no!es, %i*e
the necessary a%ternation in %i&e bet+een !ay an! ni)ht,
action an! conte#'%ation" 7erha's I nee! to 'ractice
both, 'erha's so#e sort o& inter'enetration o& the t+o is
'ossib%e" A)ain, the con$n!r$# o& e&&ort +itho$t
attach#ent" I &irst +ent thro$)h incre!ib%e )rie& at the
tho$)ht o& %i(er cancer 4+e sti%% !ont *no+ +hat the
s'ots are5" Then, a&ter ta*in) the e>$i(a%ent o& a n$#ber
o& (ery !ee' breaths, I !isco(ere! that I ha! no+,
a%tho$)h re%$ctant%y, incor'orate! that 'ossibi%ity into
#yse%&" I& it ha''ens, it ha''ens" I%% !ea% +ith it then an!
not !+e%% on it no+" An! I &o$n! I +as sti%% )reat%y
en.oyin) %i&e in a%% its !etai%s, e(en circ$#scribe! by #y
hos'ita% roo# +ith its &%o+ers on the +in!o+ %e!)e" I &e%t
+ithin #e a s$r)e o& !eter#ination to !o +hat I can, a
reco)nition that e(en i& I !o ha(e cancer in #y %i(er its
not necessari%y the be)innin) o& the en!, there are other
treat#ents that sti%% ha(e a chance o& +or*in)" An!,
a%+ays, #irac%es !o ha''en"
Another !i' in the ro%%er coaster 2 #y i##$ne syste#
isnt bo$ncin) bac* as #y !octor +o$%! %i*e 4+hoo's,
there )oes #y sto#ach a)ain " " "5 so hes )i(in) #e a
hi)h !ose o& anabo%ic steroi!s 4an ei)ht/+ee* !ose in
&o$r !ays5 to *ic* it into )ear" An! yet another sto#ach/
+renchin) !i' 2 Dr" Schee& is !isa''ointe! that the brain
t$#or is not co#'%ete%y )one" He ha! e1'ecte! a &$%%
re#ission a&ter the ra!iation an! the &irst ro$n! o&
che#othera'y" I& it is not co#'%ete%y )one a&ter the thir!
treat#ent he +o$%! %i*e to $se cis/'%atin$# 2 ho+ #$ch
an! &or ho+ %on) I !ont yet *no+"
;en an! I ha(e !eci!e! to )o bac* to Bo$%!er $nti%
ti#e &or the thir! treat#ent, since #y bo!y see#s to
ta*e so %on) to bo$nce bac*" I si#'%y cannot +ait to be
bac* in the States, bac* in the %an! o& A#erican accents9
It ta*es )ettin) o$t o& A#erica to '$t it bac* in
'ers'ecti(e 2 +e rea! abo$t the 'ri#aries an! the !r$)
'rob%e#s an! the ho#e%ess +ith ne+%y sensiti8e! eyes
&ro# o$r 'erch here in Bonn" A#a8in) to hear that the
n$#ber o& )an)/re%ate! ho#ici!es in Los An)e%es %ast
year +as )reater than the tota% n$#ber o& ho#ici!es in
E$ro'e" B$t""" I %o(e it sti%%" I +ant to be ho#e"
Lo(e an! h$)s to each o& yo$999 Once a)ain, yo$r
%etters an! ca%%s an! 'rayers an! )oo! +ishes ha(e
%i)htene! o$r !ays i##eas$rab%y" Were in it &or the %on)
ha$%" Ho+ eterna%%y )rate&$% I a# that ;en contin$es to
reco##it hi#se%& to this .o$rney 2 an! +e both !ee'%y
a''reciate yo$r co#'any a%on) the +ay" " ""
Lo(e,
Treysa
What she !i! not '$t in the %etter +as #ore te%%in)"
I +i%% brin) the &ear into #y heart" To #eet the 'ain
an! the &ear +ith o'enness, to e#brace it, to not be
a&rai! o& it, to a%%o+ it 2 this is +hat is, this is +hat is
ha''enin)" This is the s$&&erin) that +e *no+ a%% the
ti#e, constant%y chan)in), chan)in)" Rea%i8in) that
brin)s +on!er#ent at %i&e" I !e&inite%y &ee% that" I$st
+hen I hear the bir!s o$tsi!e #y +in!o+, or +hen +e
!ri(e thro$)h the co$ntrysi!e, it )%a!!ens #y heart an!
no$rishes #y so$%" I &ee% s$ch .oy" I# not tryin) to
0beat0 #y sic*ness, I# a%%o+in) #yse%& into it, &or)i(in)
it" As Ste'hen Le(ine says, 07ity is the e1'erience o&
#eetin) 'ain +ith &ear" It #a*es one +ant to chan)e the
)i(ens o& the #o#ent" " " " B$t +hen +e to$ch the sa#e
'ain +ith %o(e, %ettin) it be as it is, #eetin) it +ith #ercy
instea! o& &ear an! hatre!, then that is co#'assion"0
To o'en #y heart" I(e 'artic$%ar%y been &ee%in) a
tre#en!o$s o'enness an! %o(in)ness to ;en %ate%y, hes
so o'en an! 'resent a&ter his crisis" I )$ess that is the
#ost i#'ortant 'oint o& hea%in), +hether or not I hea%
'hysica%%y 2 to so&ten aro$n! #y heart, to o'en #y
heart" This is a%+ays the iss$e, isnt it< This is a%+ays the
iss$e"
6a8in) o$t #y +in!o+, I rea%i8e once a)ain ho+
s'rin) is no+ #y &a(orite season" I%% a%+ays %o(e the
)o%!en &ire o& &a%%, b$t s'rin) reaches !ee' into #y heart"
I s$''ose beca$se I# ho'in) &or a ne+ chance, a ne+
s'rin) in #y %i&e"
I# sti%% (ery #o(e! to !o +hat I ha(e to !o to )et
better, b$t not as a batt%e, not as an an)ry &i)ht" I +i%% )o
on, not +ith an)er an! bitterness, b$t +ith
!eter#ination an! .oy"
13
But Not a Dead :ne-
TRE3A AND I ret$rne! to Bo$%!er, to o$r ho$se, o$r !o)s,
o$r &rien!s" I &e%t an o!! ty'e o& 'eace +ith Treyas
sit$ation, i& 0'eace0 is the ri)ht +or!, it +as #ore a #i1t$re
o& )en$ine acce'tance an! #e%ancho%y &orbearance, I thin*"
Treya $n!erstoo! &$%% +e%% the )ra(ity o& her sit$ation, an!
in s'ite o& a%% that, both her e>$ani#ity an! her sheer .oy in
%i&e see#e! to increase a%#ost !ai%y" Her .oy +as )en$ine 2
she +as ha''y to be a%i(e no%9 Da#n to#orro+9 At ti#es
her .oyo$s #oo! +as 'ositi(e%y in&ectio$s, an! as I +atche!
her )%ee&$%%y '%ay +ith the !o)s or ha''i%y '$t in '%ants in
the )ar!en or +or* her &$se! )%ass +ith a s#i%e, I &o$n! the
sa#e ty'e o& >$iet .oy cree'in) into #y o+n so$%, .oy at
ha(in) this #o#ent o& %i&e, a #o#ent that see#e! $tter%y
'recio$s" I +as so ha''y to ha(e this 'resent #o#ent 2
ha''ier, in a sense, than +hen I ha! an $nen!in) series o&
#o#ents be&ore #e thro$)h +hich I co$%! !i%$te #y
ha''iness, stretchin) it o(er a %i&eti#e instea! o&
concentratin) it into the 'resent, a %esson ta$)ht #e by
Treya as she %i(e! !ai%y +ith !eath"
=rien!s an! &a#i%y co$%!nt he%' b$t notice an! co##ent
on the !e%i)ht that see#e! to 'er#eate Treyas %i&e" The
Win!star Boar! o& Directors, o& +hich Treya +as a #e#ber,
he%! a &o$r/!ay (ision >$est?retreat, +hich Treya +ante! to
atten! b$t co$%!nt, beca$se o& that %in)erin) co%!" At one
'oint in the retreat, each o& the thirty or so #e#bers ha! to
stan! $', choose a +or! they tho$)ht #ost !escribe!
the#se%(es 2 an)er, %o(e, bea$ty, 'o+er, +hate(er 2 an!
then say to the )ro$', 0I a# ////////,0 $sin) their +or!" I&
they +ere be%ie(ab%e, )ro$' #e#bers +o$%! stan! $', i&
not, they ha! to choose another +or!, an! then another,
$nti% e(erybo!y +as stan!in)" It too* #ost 'eo'%e se(era%
+or!s to be con(incin)" 7eo'%e +o$%! s'en! &i(e or ten
a)oni8in) #in$tes in &ront o& e(erybo!y tryin) to co#e $'
+ith a +or!, on%y to b%$rt o$t thin)s %i*e 0I a# rain0 or 0I a#
t$rt%e,0 +hich )ot nobo!y stan!in)" Ri)ht in the #i!!%e o&
this 'rocess, Cathy Cr$# stoo! $' an! sai!, in e&&ect, there
is one 'erson +ho cant be here, an! so I a# )oin) to stan!
$' &or her" E(erybo!y *ne+ she #eant Treya" Cathy sai!, 0I
a# .oy90 an! it so$n!e! so i##e!iate%y ri)ht that e(eryone
.$#'e! $' an! starte! cheerin)" They sent Treya a %ar)e
scro%%, +ith the +or!s 0I a# Ioy0 on it, an! +on!er&$%
inscri'tions &ro# e(erybo!y there"
Both Treya an! I soon ca#e to the sa#e stance abo$t
her %i*e%y !eath- the rea%istic o!!s +ere s%i# that she +o$%!
%i(e o$t the year" We both *ne+ that in Bonn" B$t a&ter &$%%y
ac*no+%e!)in) that, +e !ro''e! it" E1ce't &or 'ractica%
#atters, %i*e #a*in) o$t a +i%%, or occasiona% 'ri(ate ta%*s
abo$t +hat I +o$%! !o i& she !ie!, or +hat she +ante! #e
to !o &or her i& she !ie!, +e si#'%y %et the iss$e )o an! %i(e!
'retty #$ch #o#ent to #o#ent" Treya, #ore than e(er,
be)an to %i(e in the 'resent, not in the &$t$re, )i(in) her
a%%e)iance to +hat is, not +hat #i)ht be"
=rien!s an! &a#i%y o&ten +on!ere!, is she bein)
$nrea%istic 2 sho$%!nt she be +orryin)< &rettin)< $nha''y<
B$t the &act is, by %i(in) in the 'resent, by re&$sin) to %i(e in
the &$t$re, she be)an e2actly to %i(e conscio$s%y +ith !eath"
Thin* abo$t it- !eath, i& anythin), is the con!ition o& ha#ing
no future" By %i(in) in the 'resent, as i& she ha! no &$t$re,
she +as not i)norin) !eath, she +as %i(in) it" An! I +as
tryin) to !o the sa#e" I tho$)ht o& that bea$ti&$% >$ote &ro#
E#erson-
These roses $n!er #y +in!o+ #a*e no re&erence to
&or#er roses or to better ones, they are &or +hat they
are, they e1ist +ith 6o! to!ay" There is no ti#e &or
the#" There is si#'%y the rose, it is 'er&ect in e(ery
#o#ent o& its e1istence" B$t #an 'ost'ones or
re#e#bers, he !oes not %i(e in the 'resent, b$t +ith
re(erte! eye %a#ents the 'ast, or hee!%ess o& the riches
that s$rro$n! hi#, stan!s on ti'toe to &oresee the &$t$re"
He cannot be ha''y an! stron) $nti% he too %i(es +ith
nat$re in the 'resent, abo(e ti#e"
An! that is e1act%y +hat Treya +as !oin)" I& an! +hen
!eath ca#e, she +o$%! !ea% +ith it then, not no+" Theres a
)reat Len *oan on this" A st$!ent co#es to a Len Master
an! as*s, 0What ha''ens to $s a&ter !eath<0 An! the Len
Master says, 0I !ont *no+"0 The st$!ent is a)hast" 03o$
!ont *no+9< 3o$re a Len Master90 03es, b$t not a !ea!
one"0
3et this certain%y !i! not #ean +e +ere )oin) to )i(e $',
either" Resi)nation is a%so oriente! to+ar! the &$t$re, not
the 'resent" =or no+, there +ere a%% the re#ainin)
a%ternati(e treat#ents that Treya +as consi!erin), se(era%
o& +hich +ere, an! are, >$ite 'ro#isin)" =ore#ost +as the
;e%%ey?6on8a%es en8y#e 'ro)ra#, +hich has sho+n so#e
rather re#ar*ab%e res$%ts e(en in cases as a!(ance! as
Treyas" We arran)e! to sto' in Ne+ 3or* City, +here
6on8a%es has his 'ractice, on the +ay bac* &ro# Bonn a&ter
Treyas thir! an! %ast treat#ent"
In the #eanti#e she concentrate! on )ettin) ri! o& that
co%!"
One o& #y )oa%s +hi%e ho#e has been to )et ri! o&
the %in)erin) re#nants o& the co%! I ca$)ht in =ebr$ary,
the one that !e%aye! che#othera'y &or three +ee*s an!
+as sti%% 'resent a&ter three #onths" This 'ersistent
sic*ness has *e't #e constant%y on the e!)e o& +orry
that it +o$%! 'o' bac* $' a)ain !$rin) Fthe thir!G
che#othera'y an! I +ante! that stress o$t o& #y %i&e" As
I# abo$t to %ea(e a)ain F&or BonnG, I &in! that I see# to
ha(e s$ccee!e! +ith a #any/'ron)e! a''roach" B$t I
!ont *no+ +hat act$a%%y !i! the tric* " " " or i& it +as
si#'%y 'ro)ra##e! to )o a+ay by a certain ti#e" I &in!
it instr$cti(e to %oo* at #y tho$)hts abo$t +hat he%'e!,
since ha(in) a co%! is so #$ch %ess e#otiona%%y char)e!
or %a!en +ith c$%t$ra% an! ne+ a)e be%ie&s than cancer"
I +ent to the ac$'$nct$rist, he treate! #e +ith
nee!%es an! herba% teas an! ac$'ress$re" Was that +hat
ti''e! the sca%e to+ar! hea%in)< I $''e! #y (ita#in C
inta*e tre#en!o$s%y to abo$t t+e%(e )ra#s a !ay, is
that +hat !i! it< I too* echinacea, the herb thats
s$''ose! to boost yo$r i##$ne syste#, +as this the
secret< I reste! as #$ch as 'ossib%e, +as that the critica%
&actor< I set asi!e ti#e each !ay to t$ne in to the ro$)h
'%ace in #y chest, to si#'%y )i(e it attention, to !ia%o)$e
+ith it +hen so#ethin) ca#e $' an! &o%%o+ any
instr$ctions that ca#e thro$)h, once it to%! #e to
screa# an!, a&ter c%osin) the !oor an! t$rnin) on the
sho+er &or so$n! 'rotection, I ha! a (ery satis&yin) b$t
throat/tearin) session o& screa#in)" Is that +hat !i! the
tric*, $n%oc*in) so#e 'sycho%o)ica% *not< I cons$%te!
+ith #y )$i!es, Mary an! the O%! Man o& the Mo$ntains,
an! !i! +hat they sai!, +as &o%%o+in) their )$i!ance the
critica% &actor<
Who can say< Whether its a co%! or cancer " " " +ho
can say +ith any ass$rance +hat the critica% &actors are<
I a# constant%y a+are that I cant *no+ 0the tr$th0 abo$t
these sit$ations" This is +hat $n!er%ies #y stance o&
bein) '%ay&$% +ith #y 0theories,0 o& a%+ays ho%!in)
thin)s %i)ht%y, o& rea%i8in) I &a(or so#e ty'es o&
e1'%anations o(er others, o& re#e#berin) that I cant
rea%%y *no+ +hat is 0tr$e0 in the entertainin) an!
so#eti#es co#'e%%in) stories I #a*e $' abo$t a%% this"
I a# no+ '%annin) to see a Dr" 6on8a%es in Ne+ 3or*
on o$r +ay ho#e to )et starte! on the 0#etabo%ic
eco%o)y0 'ro)ra# be)$n by a Dr" ;e%%ey, a !entist +ho
ha! 'ancreatic cancer" I(e *no+n abo$t this 'ro)ra# &or
years, e(en ha! t+o co'ies o& his boo* at ho#e, an! +as
a%+ays so#eho+ attracte! to it" Not beca$se the !iet
a''ea%s to #e, it so$n!s terrib%y ri)oro$s, 'ossib%y e(ery
bit as ri)oro$s as the #acrobiotic !iet, b$t a%so (ery
in!i(i!$a%, +hich I %i*e" I +as to%! that &or one 'erson the
!iet #i)ht be @0Q ra+ an! co#'%ete%y (e)etarian, &or
another they #i)ht 'rescribe #eat three ti#es a !ay"
What a''ea%s to #e is the i!ea that a %ac* o& en8y#es is
connecte! +ith cancer, the i!ea is i& yo$ !ont ha(e
eno$)h 'ancreatic en8y#es theyre a%% $se! to !i)est
&oo! an! none are %e&t o(er to circ$%ate in the
b%oo!strea# an! he%' contro% cancer +hen it arises"
C%ear%y, beca$se o& the !iabetes that 'o''e! $' a&ter
che#othera'y in BK, #y 'ancreas isnt +or*in)
'ro'er%y" So, a&ter #y %ast che#othera'y treat#ent,
ne1t $'- ;e%%ey?6on8a%es9
Treya an! I +ere both #e!itatin), an! #e!itatin) >$ite
a bit" I ha! be)$n )ettin) $' at &i(e in the #ornin) so I
co$%! sit &or t+o or three ho$rs be&ore startin) #y !ay as a
s$''ort 'erson 2 +itho$t, inci!enta%%y, any %in)erin)
bitterness or resent#ent" I see#e! to ha(e reache! a
)en$ine 'eace abo$t a%% that 2 !$e to +hat, e1act%y, I !ont
*no+, e1ce't 'erha's that I +as be)innin) to rea%i8e that
b%a#in) cancer, or b%a#in) Treya, or b%a#in) %i&e &or #y
circ$#stances +as si#'%y ba! &aith" D$rin) #e!itation the
stance o& the Witness s%o+%y b$t ine1orab%y ret$rne!, an! at
%east in those #o#ents o& 'ro&o$n! e>$ani#ity, a%%
#ani&estation 2 +hether 0)oo!0 or 0ba!,0 +hether %i&e or
!eath, +hether '%eas$re or 'ain 2 +as e>$a%%y o& 0one
taste0- 'er&ect .$st as it is"
An! Treya contin$e! +ith her (i'assana an! ton)%en"
The %atter, in 'artic$%ar, +as beco#in) !ee'%y #o(in) an!
trans&or#ati(e, e(en +hen she +asnt !oin) the 'ractice
&or#a%%y, she be)an s'ontaneo$s%y ass$#in) its centra%
#essa)e- hea%in) #a*es no sense +hatsoe(er &or an
iso%ate! 'erson 2 nobo!y is rea%%y hea%e! $nti% e(erybo!y is
hea%e! 2 en%i)hten#ent is &or se%& an! other, not .$st se%&"
I recent%y +ent to a hea%in) circ%e &or a &rien! +ho
a%so has cancer" This )ro$' o& s'ecia% +o#en create! a
(ery rich an! hea%in) e1'erience &or both o& $s" I &e%t
#ore co#&ortab%e +ith #y bo!y as it is no+, an! I
ac*no+%e!)e! that in s'ite o& #issin) a breast I %i*e this
thin, no+ (ery &it bo!y o& #ine" ;en a)rees9 When I +as
%yin) in the center o& the circ%e one o& the +o#en 'raye!
&or a co#'%ete hea%in) &or #e" This &e%t (ery !arin) to
#e, es'ecia%%y a&ter hearin) a)ain an! a)ain +hat the
!octors ha(e to say, es'ecia%%y since I(e s'ent a %ot o&
ti#e tryin) to 're'are #yse%& to acce't the +orst
4a%ternatin), o& co$rse, +ith ho'in) an! en(isionin) the
best5" I tho$)ht o& the !rea# I ha! the ni)ht I )ot the
ne+s o& the &$%% e1tent o& the rec$rrences, a !rea# that
en!e! +hen I to%! a &rien!, +ith tota% con(iction, 0I
be%ie(e in #irac%es90 It co$%! ha''en, I co$%! be hea%e!,
its (ery $n%i*e%y, )i(en the statistics, b$t it co$%!
ha''en" I &e%t #yse%& ta*e a !ee' breath as I %et this
'ossibi%ity &%oo! thro$)h #e, %ea(in) a sense o&
re%a1ation in its +a*e"
An! then I tho$)ht, )ent%y, b$t +hy #e< What abo$t
e(eryone e%se +ho s$&&ers< I +i%% certain%y be !e%i)hte! i&
I a# hea%e!, or e(en i& I %i(e a re%ati(e%y %on) ti#e, b$t
the tho$)ht o& a%% the others +ho s$&&er, &ro# cancer or
+hate(er, &%oo!e! thro$)h #e" Why sho$%! I be %$c*ier
than #y sisters an! brothers< Why not hea%in) &or the#
too, +hy not a%% o& $s< Ho+ can I as* &or #y s$&&erin) to
en! +hen they sti%% s$&&er, these other #e#bers o& #y
&a#i%y< A+areness o& #y 'ain *ee's #e a+are o& their
'ain, *ee's #y heart o'en to s$&&erin)" The &irst nob%e
tr$th, 0There is s$&&erin)"0 An! ton)%en- ha(e
co#'assion &or it"
No #atter +hat ha''ens to #e, this e1'erience +ith
cancer +i%% &ore(er *ee' #e a+are o& #y *inshi' +ith
those +ho s$&&er" Which #eans, e(erybo!y" I& I %i(e &or a
+hi%e I inten! to $se +hat I(e %earne! to he%' others
thro$)h cancer, +hether they #o(e on in ti#e to hea%th
or to !eath" Thats the '$r'ose o& the boo* I# +ritin),
thats +hy I# so 'ro$! o& the Cancer S$''ort
Co##$nity" So#eti#es %i&e .$st !oesnt #a*e sense, try
as +e #i)ht to #a*e sense o& it" So#eti#es a%% +e can
!o is he%' each other o$t, )ent%y, +itho$t .$!)#ent" As
other &rien!s +ho are a%so !ea%in) +ith cancer recent%y
sai! to ;en an! #e, the e1'erience has ta$)ht the#, so
c%ear%y, that %i&e is si#'%y not &air, +ere not entit%e! to
any re+ar!s &or )oo! beha(ior, these thin)s ha''en"
Certain 0ne+ a)e0 be%ie&s once entice! #any o& $s +ith
the 'ossibi%ity o& $n!erstan!in) +hy an! ho+ these
thin)s ha''en, +ith the ho'e there +as so#e )reater
'$r'ose or %esson behin! each 'ersona% tra)e!y, b$t
+e(e %earne! the har! +ay 2 'erha's the on%y +ay 2
that #any ti#es +e !ont $n!erstan!" Nothin) is si#'%e"
Its har! to %i(e in +hat I ca%% 0!ont *no+ %an!,0 b$t here
+e are9
This #a*es #e thin* o& so#ethin) I rea! in Ra#ana
Maharshis bio)ra'hy %ast ni)ht, a !irect >$ote &ro# one
o& his ans+ers to a !e(otee- 06o! has no !esire or
'$r'ose in His acts o& creation, #aintenance,
!estr$ction, +ith!ra+a% an! sa%(ation to +hich bein)s
are s$b.ecte!"0 Thats a to$)h one &or a %i&e/%on)
#eanin) an! '$r'ose .$n*ie %i*e #yse%&, b$t B$!!his#
has been a bi) he%' in #y %ettin) )o o& tryin) to &i)$re it
a%% o$t, in #y %earnin) to %et thin)s .$st be" Ra#ana
Maharshi )oes on to say 0As the bein)s rea' the &r$it o&
their actions in accor!ance +ith His %a+s, the
res'onsibi%ity is theirs, not 6o!s"0 3es, I &ee% res'onsib%e,
in the sense o& #y abi%ity to res'on! to the cha%%en)es in
#y %i&e +hi%e reco)ni8in) the ro%e o& both #y choices an!
the (a)aries o& %i&e an! chance an! here!ity?'ast
%i&eti#es, a +ay that is not .$!)#enta% or heroic b$t
$n!erstan!in) an! #erci&$%"
Ra#ana Maharshi $se! to say, 03o$ than* 6o! &or the
)oo! thin)s that ha''en to yo$, b$t !ont than* Hi# &or the
ba! thin)s as +e%%, an! that is +here yo$ )o +ron)"0 4That,
inci!enta%%y, is a%so e1act%y +here the ne+ a)e #o(e#ent
)oes +ron)"5 The 'oint bein) that 6o! is not a #ythic
7arent '$nishin) or re+ar!in) e)oic ten!encies, b$t the
i#'artia% Rea%ity an! S$chness o& all #ani&estation" As e(en
Isaiah, in a rare #o#ent, rea%i8e!- 0I #a*e the %i)ht to &a%%
on the )oo! an! the ba! a%i*e, I, the Lor!, !o a%% these
thin)s"0 As %on) as +e are ca$)ht in the !$a%ities o& )oo!
(ers$s ba!, '%eas$re (ers$s 'ain, hea%th (ers$s i%%ness, %i&e
(ers$s !eath, then +e are %oc*e! o$t o& that non!$a% an!
s$'re#e i!entity +ith all o& #ani&estation, +ith the entire
$ni(erse o& 0one taste"0 Ra#ana #aintaine! that on%y in
be&rien!in) o$r s$&&erin), o$r i%%ness, o$r 'ain, co$%! +e
tr$%y &in! a %ar)er an! #ore enco#'assin) i!entity +ith the
A%%, +ith the Se%&, +ho is not the (icti# o& %i&e b$t its
i#'artia% Witness an! So$rce" An! es'ecia%%y, Ra#ana sai!,
be&rien! !eath, the $%ti#ate teacher"
At that hea%in) circ%e one &rien! +ho has been !ee'%y
in(o%(e! an! s$''orti(e in the con&rontations +ith
cancer )oin) on a#on) her &rien!s sai! her cha%%en)e
+as to %earn to *ee' the *in! o& a+areness an! a%i(eness
in her %i&e that ca#e &ro# bein) so c%ose to o$r str$))%es
4an! 'ossib%e !eath5 +itho$t ha(in) to be sic* herse%&" I
*no+ +hat she #eans" I s$!!en%y tho$)ht, i& I !o
beco#e +e%% &or %on) 'erio!s o& ti#e, +i%% I %ose this
!e%icio$s%y *een *ni&e/e!)e o& a+areness I no+ ha(e,
this satis&yin)%y one/'ointe! &oc$s< Certain%y I an! others
ha(e &e%t so#e inner restrictions b$rst an! ne+ creati(ity
'o$r &orth $n!er the 'ress$re o& this i%%ness" I +o$%! hate
to %ose that" " " " Then I rea%i8e!, the 'ossibi%ity o& !eath
+i%% ne(er be &ar &ro# #e" Each #onth, each +ee*, each
!ay, each #in$te o& ho+e(er %on) I ha(e %e&t +i%% be %i(e!
+ith the 'ossibi%ity o& !eath ne(er &ar a+ay" A stran)e
rea%i8ation, that I +i%% a%+ays carry +ith #e this )oa!,
this s'$r, this thorn, re#in!in) #e to stay a%a!e" Its
rather %i*e carryin) a #e!itation #aster aro$n! +ith #e
at a%% ti#es, at any #o#ent the roshi co$%! $ne1'ecte!%y
)i(e #e a so$n! +hac*9
This re#in!s #e o& a )reat #o(ie, $y Life as a Dog"
;en an! I &irst sa+ it %ast s$##er at the As'en &i%#
&esti(a%, +here I i##e!iate%y sai! it +as a 'er&ect #o(ie
&or 'eo'%e +ith cancer an! CSC sho$%! ha(e a co'y"
Since then its beco#e a h$)e hit, an! ;en an! I recent%y
+atche! it a)ain on (i!eo" Its abo$t ho+ this a!orab%e
t+e%(e/year/o%! boy !ea%s +ith the $'s an! !o+ns o& his
%i&e 2 a sic* #other +ho e(ent$a%%y !ies, his be%o(e! !o)
ta*en a+ay &ro# hi#, ha(in) to %ea(e his ho#e" 0Its not
so ba!,0 he says" 0It co$%! be +orse" Li*e the #an +ho
)ot a *i!ney trans'%ant, he +as &a#o$s, yo$ sa+ hi# on
the ne+s" B$t he !ie! any+ay"0 Hes a%+ays thin*in) o&
Lai*a, the R$ssian s'ace !o) +ho star(e! in s'ace- 0I
thin* its i#'ortant to ha(e thin)s %i*e that to co#'are
+ith,0 he says" 03o$ ha(e to co#'are %i*e that a%% the
ti#e"0 There +as the Tar8an #o(ie +here so#eone
s+$n) on a hi)h (o%ta)e +ire- 0He !ie! on the s'ot"0 0It
co$%! ha(e been +orse, yo$ #$st re#e#ber that,0 he
says as he !escribes a train +rec* +here #any +ere
*i%%e!" He sco$rs the ne+s'a'er &or re'orts %i*e this"
0Act$a%%y, I(e been 'retty %$c*y co#'are! to a %ot o&
'eo'%e,0 he says another ti#e" 03o$ ha(e to ha(e the
ri)ht 'ers'ecti(e"0 There +as the #otorcyc%ist +ho trie!
to brea* the +or%! recor! .$#'in) o(er cars- 0He +as
one car short"0 Then there +as the )$y +ho too* a
shortc$t across a trac* &ie%! !$rin) a #eet an! +as
'ierce! by a .a(e%in- 0He #$st ha(e been s$r'rise!,0 the
%itt%e boy says" 03o$ ha(e to co#'are, thin* abo$t Lai*a,
&or instance, they *ne+ she +as )oin) to !ie, they .$st
*i%%e! her"0 This is a%% &ro# the #o$th o& a t+e%(e/year/
o%!, ri!in) his 0it co$%! be +orse0 'hi%oso'hy thro$)h the
$'s an! !o+ns o& his t$#$%t$o$s %i&e, the rea%i8ation that
!eath is ne(er &ar a+ay #a*es hi# so a+are, so a%i(e"
We sec$re! the ho$se, an! 're'are! &or the '%$n)e bac*
into Bonn, +here so#e (ery s$r'risin) ne+s a+aite! $s"
This #ornin) I too* the !o)s &or a &ina% +a%* be&ore
;en !ro's the# o&& at the *enne%" It +as a stitch 4;en
+atche! &ro# the ba%cony abo(e5 beca$se the
)rassho''ers +ere o$t9 ;airos, o$r 'haraoh ho$n!, +as
!eter#ine! to catch one an! in the 'rocess e1ec$te!
inn$#erab%e &$nny sti&&/%e))e! ho's an! e%e)ant 'oints
an! %on) %ea's thro$)h the )rass as he '$88%e! o(er
+here to &in! the# an! ho+ to catch the# an! ho+ !i!
they a%+ays #ana)e to )et a+ay in the en!< Mo#ents o&
be+i%!er#ent, hea! hi)h, ears coc*e! &or the s%i)htest
so$n!, then nose to the )ro$n!, an ea)er sn$&&%in)
search thro$)h the )rass, a%% senses on re! a%ert, then
the s$!!en s$r'risin) 'o$nce, near s$ccess, a %ast/
secon! esca'e" Then his searchin) sno$t sni&&in)
thro$)h the )rasses, once a)ain so c%ose, a%#ost there,
a%#ost +ithin his )ras', a%#ost ca't$re! " " " then )one,
(anishe!, yet a)ain an! a)ain" Hea! $', &ro8en in a
'oint, a '$88%e! %oo* aro$n!" Then a )race&$% trot a%on)
the roa!si!e, the h$nt +ith its contortions #o#entari%y
o(er +hen, s$!!en%y """ another a%ert, sti&& attention,
)ra(ity/!e&yin) %ea' &ro# a stan!sti%% into the )rass 2 the
h$nt is on a)ain9 This ha''ene! o(er an! o(er an! o(er
a)ain, the &$nniest thin) I(e seen in a %on), %on) ti#e" A
'er&ect )oin) a+ay 'resent9
5Reach out and touch one,5 the "igure said3
5Touch a star6 7ou can't touch a star35
5They are not stars3 Reach out and touch one35
5Ho%65
50ust point %ith your finger at the one that most attracts
you, and push %ith your mind35
Strange instructions, but , try it3 The 5star5 immediately
turns into a geometric fi#e<pointed figure, %hich definitely
loo!s li!e a star to me3 *round the star is a circle3 The outer
rim of the circle is yello%3 The inner part is blue3 The center
of the circle, %hich is also the center of the star, is purest
%hite3
5/o% push the #ery center, push %ith your mind35
, do so, and the 5star5 gi#es %ay to #arious
mathematical symbols %hich , do not understand3 , push
harder, and the symbols gi#e %ay to sna!es3 , push e#en
harder, and the sna!es gi#e %ay to crystals3
5Do you !no% %hat that means65
5/o35
5Would you li!e to meet )strella65
Bac* in Bonn a)ain" " " " Oh +e%%, +e%% #a*e it
thro$)h" I &ee% better &or ha(in) s'ent three +ee*s at
ho#e, #ore in to$ch +ith #y %i&e, %ess iso%ate! in the
cocoon o& cancer treat#ent" On the '%ane I +ore a .ac*et
I ha!nt $se! in a +hi%e an! &o$n! an $no'ene! &ort$ne
coo*ie in the ri)ht 'oc*et, the &ort$ne rea! 0The res$%t o&
yo$r '%ans +i%% be satis&actory"0 That #ay so$n! %i*e a
rather &aint &ort$ne, not terrib%y enth$siastic, b$t on the
e(e o& o$r !e'art$re &or #ore che#othera'y it so$n!e!
+on!er&$% to #e9 When +e arri(e! it t$rne! o$t that
Norbert ha! )one on a &o$r/+ee* (acation +itho$t
'assin) on this in&or#ation 2 a rare %a'se &or Norbert9
Th$s the hos'ita% an! the hote% +ere not e1'ectin) $s,
an! &or a +hi%e it %oo*e! %i*e no roo# at the inn" """ B$t
a%% +as sett%e! recent%y, sort o&" ;en is in an attic roo#
he cant stan! $' in, +aitin) &or another roo# to beco#e
a(ai%ab%e" Ah, the tria%s an! trib$%ations o& s$''ort
'eo'%e9
It is no+ a&ter #i!ni)ht, an! I a# +a%*in) a%one thro$)h
the bac* streets o& Bonn" I sti%% &in! it har! to #e!itate in
Bonn, an! so, as a s$bstit$te, I +a%* &or ho$rs, (ery ear%y in
the #ornin), (ery %ate at ni)ht, +ith nothin) b$t brie& an!
occasiona% )%i#'ses o& the Witness to *ee' #e co#'any"
I 'ass a b$i%!in) +ith a %ar)e si)n on the o$tsi!e-
0Ni)htc%$b,0 it says" I ha! seen these ni)htc%$bs in se(era%
'%aces, an! +on!ere! e1act%y +hat they +ere" Not toni)ht, I
!eci!e, too tire!" B$t e(ent$a%%y I 'ass another, an! then
another" They are the on%y '%aces in a%% o& Bonn that see#
to be o'en at this ho$r" Bonn #$st ha(e so#e incre!ib%y
hot ni)ht%i&e, I !eci!e" I start %a$)hin), a%#ost o$t %o$!, at
the tho$)ht o& #ara$!in) ban!s o& s+in)in) !i'%o#ats, as i&
thats not an o1y#oron"
When I 'ass the &o$rth estab%ish#ent %abe%e!
0Ni)htc%$b,0 I !eci!e, +hat the he%%" I a''roach the b$i%!in)
an! a# i##e!iate%y str$c* by the &act that the &ront !oor is
%oc*e!, e(en tho$)h rather ra$co$s #$sic is b%arin) insi!e"
There is nobo!y on the streets" Ne1t to the %oc*e! entry is a
!oorbe%%, +ith a si)n that says, I 'res$#e, rin) &or entrance"
I !o so" Thro$)h a s#a%% +in!o+ a 'air o& #a%e eyes, +ith
thic* hea(y bro+s, stare at #e" A b$88er rin)s, an! the !oor
o'ens"
I !o not be%ie(e +hat I see" It %oo*s so#ethin) %i*e a
s'ea*easy &ro# the Roarin) T+enties, b$t !ecorate!
'erha's by a cra8e! )y'sy >$een on aci!" Its +a%%s are
co(ere! +ith )a$!y '$r'%e (e%(et" There is so#ethin) %i*e a
!ance &%oor, +ith a ro$n! #irrore! ba%% rotatin) s%o+%y &ro#
the cei%in), scatterin) thin an! sic*%y %i)ht rays across the
&aces o& its inhabitants" It is other+ise incre!ib%y !i#" I
#ana)e to see, bare%y, that there are 'erha's si1 #en
seate! aro$n! the !ance &%oor" A%% o& the# %oo* s%i)ht%y
!ishe(e%e!, none o& the# (ery attracti(e, an! yet each o&
the# acco#'anie! by a rather stri*in)/%oo*in) +o#an"
Da#n, I thin*, 6er#an +o#en #$st be really )rate&$%"
E(erybo!y sto's their #$te! ta%* an! stares at #e as I
enter" I #o(e s%o+%y to the bar, +hich is an incre!ib%e &orty
&eet %on), +ith 'erha's thirty barstoo%s co(ere! +ith the
sa#e cr$she! (e%(et that s$&&ocates the +a%%s, an! not a
sin)%e 'erson is sittin) there" I ta*e a stoo% ro$)h%y in the
#i!!%e o& the bar" The rotatin) rays o& sic*%y %i)ht no+ #o(e
across #y &ace as +e%%, an! +e a%% stan! o$t as 'o%*a !ots o&
%i)ht a)ainst the !ar*ness o& """ o& """ o& +hate(er the he%%
this '%ace is"
0Hi, +o$%! yo$ %i*e to b$y #e a !rin*<0
0I(e )ot it9 This is a +horeho$se, ri)ht< A brothe%< Thats
+hat it is" I thin*" " " " Oh, I# sorry" Do yo$ s'ea* En)%ish<0
A rather bea$ti&$% +o#an has .$st .oine! #e at the bar 2 I#
'retty s$re it isnt beca$se she cant &in! another stoo% 2
an! I b%$rt o$t #y ob(io$s conc%$sion"
03es, I s'ea* En)%ish, a %itt%e bit"0
0Loo*, I !ont #ean any o&&ense or anythin), b$t this is a
+horeho$se, ri)ht< 3o$ *no+ +horeho$se<0
03es, I *no+ +horeho$se" This is not a +horeho$se"0
0It isnt<0 I a# no+ (ery con&$se!" I *ee' %oo*in) &or a
!oor or so#e entrance thro$)h +hich the %a!ies an! their,
$#, )$ests #i)ht )o &or a #ore 'ri(ate con(ersation, b$t I
cant see any 'ossib%e '%ace +here this #i)ht occ$r"
0This is not a +horeho$se< Those +o#en are not
'rostit$tes< 3o$ *no+ 'rostit$tes<0
0Those +o#en are !e&inite%y not 'rostit$tes"0
0Oh, #an, I# sorry" This is .$st a %itt%e +eir!"0
03o$ +ant to b$y #e a !rin*<0
0B$y yo$ a !rin*< 3eah, s$re, a !rin*"0 I a# co#'%ete%y
&%$##o1e! by the sit$ation an! by the $tter%y bi8arre
at#os'here in +hich it is a%% occ$rrin)" There is a !ance
&%oor an! no one is !ancin)" It %oo*s %i*e a brothe% b$t
nobo!y is #o(in)" Rotatin) rays o& re! an! '$r'%e %i)ht stab
ho%es in the !ar*, on%y to !isc%ose a (e%(et/enc%ose! )a%%ery
o& the +eir!" An! +hat *in! o& '%ace has a %oc*e! !oor an!
b$88er<
T+o !rin*s arri(e, they both %oo*, an! #ine tastes, %i*e
+atere!/!o+n cha#'a)ne" 0Loo*, I# not a co' or
anythin), b$t yo$re s$re"""" D#, yo$ *no+ co'<0
0I *no+ co'"0
0I# not a co'" Are yo$ s$re yo$re not a hoo*er< 3o$
*no+ hoo*er<0
03o$ !ont ha(e to *ee' sayin), 3o$ *no+ >$estion
#ar*" I a# not a hoo*er, honest" Honest"0
06ee8, I# rea%%y sorry"0 An! no+ I a# rea%%y con&$se!" 0I
*no+,0 I *ee' tryin), 0this is %i*e a !ance c%$b, ri)ht< 3o$
*no+, #en0 2 an! I )%ance to+ar! that #ot%ey co%%ection o&
#y )en!er 2 0#en co#e here an! 'ay an! !ance +ith
'retty )ir%s, ri)ht<0 I &ee% $tter%y ri!ic$%o$s"
0I! %i*e to !ance +ith yo$ i& yo$ +ant, b$t no, this is not
a !ance c%$b" Its a ni)htc%$b" I co#e here e(ery no+ an!
then +hen thin)s )et !$%%" My na#e is Tina"0
0Its a ni)htc%$b" Oh )ee8" Hi, Tina" ;en"0 An! +e sha*e
han!s, an! I !rin* #y +atere! cha#'a)ne, an! #y hea!
be)ins to h$rt"
0See, this is not a )reat ti#e &or #e" My +i&e, Treya, is
stayin) at the Ian*er ;%ini*" 3o$ *no+, $#, are yo$ &a#i%iar
+ith the ;%ini*<0
03es, its &or ;rebs, cancer" 3o$r +i&e has cancer<0
03es"0 An! &or so#e reason I 'rocee! to te%% Tina
e(erythin) abo$t it 2 the cancer, the tri' here, the !i&&ic$%t
'ro)nosis, abo$t ho+ #$ch I care &or #y +i&e an! ho+
#$ch I a# +orrie!" Tina is (ery concerne!, an! (ery *in!,
an! %istens intent%y thro$)ho$t" I ra#b%e on &or #aybe an
ho$r" Tina te%%s #e she is &ro# Co%o)ne, abo$t thirty
*i%o#eters north, she co#es !o+n to the Bonn ni)htc%$bs
+hen she )ets bore!" S$ch a bea$ti&$% +o#an has to co#e
a%% the +ay !o+n here &or this< I *ee' +atchin) the #en, a%%
co(ere! in '$r'%e ha8e &ro# the ane#ic %i)ht o&& the
cr$she! (e%(et, a%% ta%*in) to %o(e%y '$r'%e +o#en, an! none
o& the# #a*es a #o(e, not to !ance, not to ro#ance, not
to nothin)"
0Loo*, Tina, yo$re (ery nice, an! its been )reat to
$n%oa! a%% this, rea%%y" B$t I ha(e to )o, its t+o in the
#ornin)" See ya, o*ay<0
03o$ +ant to )o $'stairs<0
Aha9 I *ne+ it, I *ne+ it, I *ne+ it" 0D'stairs<0
03es, +e can )o $'stairs an! be a%one" I !ont %i*e it
!o+n here"0
0S$re, Tina, %ets )o $'stairs"0
0To )o $'stairs +e ha(e to b$y a bott%e o& cha#'a)ne"0
0A bott%e o& cha#'a)ne" S$re, s$re, %ets ha(e a bott%e o&
cha#'a)ne"0 The bott%e co#es, an! I )%ance at the %abe%,
%oo*in) &or the a%coho% content 2 C"2Q" Ri)ht" Its %i*e the
brothe%s in the States ser(in) a''%e .$ice an! char)in) &or
+his*ey, so the %a!ies !ont )et !r$n*" I *no+ I# ri)ht" I
%ea(e the 0cha#'a)ne0 on the co$nter"
Tina )ets $' an! %ea!s #e across the !ance &%oor, 'ast
the '$r'%e 'eo'%e, +ho a%% stare intent%y thro$)h the
!i#ness" We t$rn a corner an! there it is- a s'ira% staircase,
hi!!en &ro# the (ie+ o& the bar, a s'ira% staircase that %ea!s
$'stairs"
Tina )oes &irst, an! I &o%%o+" I &ee% a+*+ar! %oo*in) $',
b$t I# 'retty s$re she +ont #in!" At the to' o& the stairs I
see 'erha's si1 c$bic%es, a%% o'en, a%% +ith !ra+/c$rtains, a%%
a)ain in that +retche! (e%(et" There is a bench in each
c$bic%e, an! a stac* o& to+e%s" So&t #$sic 2 =ran* Sinatra,
no %ess 2 is co#in) o(er the s'ea*ers, tho$)h Tina ass$res
#e that she +i%% '%ay any *in! o& #$sic I +ant" 03o$ )ot
D2<0 0S$re"0
We sit !o+n on the bench in the &irst c$bic%e, as Bonos
(oice &i%%s the air" I notice there is an o'enin) in the &%oor,
thro$)h +hich yo$ can see the !ance &%oor be%o+"
0Tina, theres a ho%e in the &%oor"0
03es, ;en" It is so +e can see the )ir%s +hen they !ance"0
0When they !ance< The )ir%s !ance<0
0Stri'tease" Mona )oes on in a &e+ #in$tes" We can
+atch"0
0Tina, +hy !i!nt yo$ te%% #e this +as a +horeho$se<
3o$ %ie! to #e"0
0;en, this is not a +horeho$se" There is no se1$a%
interco$rse here" It is i%%e)a% here an! none o& $s, &or no
'rice, +i%% !o it"0
0Then +hat e1act%y !o yo$ !o< I *no+ I# nai(e, b$t I#
'retty s$re its not 'a%# rea!in)"0
I hear a c%$n*in) on the s'ira% stairs, an! $' co#es
another rather stri*in)/%oo*in) +o#an, +ho !e'osits o$r
cha#'a)ne on a s#a%% tab%e in &ront o& the bench"
0That +i%% be si1ty A#erican !o%%ars" 3o$ can 'ay
!o+nstairs" Ha(e a '%easant ti#e"0
0What9 Si1ty !o%%ars9 6ee8, Tina, I !ont *no+"0
0Oh %oo*, ;en, Mona is )oin) to !ance"0 An! s$re
eno$)h, thro$)h the ho%e in the &%oor, +e ha(e a 'er&ect
(ie+ o& Mona !ancin), a %on), +i%!, (ibrant stri'tease,
re(ea%in) a st$nnin) bo!y +hose &%esh, sti%% '$r'%e/%it %i*e
e(erythin) e%se, !oes not no+ %oo* insi'i! b$t a%%$rin)"
0Loo*, Tina " " "0 An! Tina stan!s $', an! >$ic*%y b$t
ca%#%y ta*es o&& a%% o& her c%othes, an! then sits bac* !o+n
besi!e #e"
0So +hat +o$%! yo$ %i*e, ;en<0
I !ont say anythin)" I .$st stare"
0;en<0
I .$st *ee' starin)" I !ont *no+ +hy, I .$st *ee' starin)"
An! then it !a+ns on #e" This is the &irst ti#e in a%#ost
three years that I ha(e seen t+o +ho%e breasts on a
+o#an" I %oo* at Tina, an! then I %oo* !o+n, I %oo* at Tina,
an! then I %oo* !o+n" An enor#o$s &%oo! o& con&%ictin)
e#otions co#es 'o$rin) o(er #e"
0Loo*, Tina, yo$ !ont ha(e to !o anythin)" Lets .$st sit
here a bit, o*ay<0
My #in! is %ost in a +or%! o& bo!ies, o& &%esh, an! a%% that
it can #ean, an! a%% that cancer can !o to it" Sittin) here,
I# no+ &ace! +ith both +or%!s" No !o$bt- Se1 +ith cancer
is a !icey 'ro'osition" Es'ecia%%y +ith a +o#an +ho has
breast cancer, an! then a #astecto#y, there is &irst the
+ho%e 'rob%e# o& ho+ the +o#an re%ates to her no+
0!is&i)$re!0 bo!y" Its no secret that in o$r society breasts
are the #ost (isib%e an! 0'ri8e!0 sy#bo%s o& a +o#ans
se1$a%ity, an! %osin) one or both breasts can be
!e(astatin)" I +as a%+ays st$c* by ho+ re%ati(e%y +e%% Treya
ha! han!%e! this !i&&ic$%ty" O& co$rse she #isse! her breast,
an! o& co$rse she co#'%aine! bitter%y on occasion, to #e
an! to her &rien!s 2 it +as a (ery !i&&ic$%t ti#e" B$t by an!
%ar)e, as she o&ten sai!, 0I thin* I%% be o*ay"0 This is, in
)enera%, the #ost !i&&ic$%t an! o&ten a)oni8in) 'rob%e# &or a
+o#an +ith breast cancer" It can !e(astate her se%&/i#a)e
an! (irt$a%%y n$%%i&y her se1 !ri(e, since she no+ o&ten &ee%s
co#'%ete%y 0$n!esirab%e"0
This sit$ation is co#'o$n!e! horrib%y i& the +o#an is
)oin) thro$)h che#othera'y or ra!iation" She is o&ten too
tire!, too e1ha$ste!, to be intereste! in se1 at a%%, an! then
she &ee%s terrib%y )$i%ty abo$t not bein) there se1$a%%y &or
her #an" An! so to $n!esirabi%ity is a!!e! )$i%t"
The sit$ation is o&ten )reat%y he%'e!, or )reat%y h$rt, by
the res'onse o& the #an in her %i&e" A%#ost ha%& o& a%%
h$sban!s +hose +i(es ha(e #astecto#ies %ea(e the#
+ithin si1 #onths" He &ee%s no+ he has !a#a)e! )oo!s,
an! to that he cant se1$a%%y res'on!"
0Do yo$ #iss it<0 she o&ten as*e! a&ter the o'eration"
03es"0
0Does it #atter a +ho%e %ot<0
0No"0 An! the tr$th +as, &or the #ost 'art, it !i!nt" B$t
its not an a%%/or/nothin) a&&air, its #ore a #atter o&
'ercenta)es" I! say #y se1$a% attraction &or Treya +as
0!ente!0 by abo$t :0Q, the si#'%e tacti%e &ee%, the
sy##etry o& t+o breasts, is !e&inite%y better than one" B$t
the other E0Q +as so o(er+he%#in)%y 'ositi(e &or #e that it
.$st !i!nt #atter that #$ch" Treya *ne+ this, she co$%! te%%
it +as honest, an! I thin* it he%'e! her #ore easi%y co#e to
ter#s +ith her o+n se%&/i#a)e" That E0Q +as sti%% the #ost
bea$ti&$% an! attracti(e +o#an I ha! e(er *no+n"
B$t !$rin) #ost o& the Tahoe year, +hen Treya +as
$n!er)oin) che#othera'y an! +e +ere c%ose to se'aration,
+e ha! se1 not at a%%" Treya, $n!erstan!ab%y, &e%t it +as
%ar)e%y beca$se I &o$n! her 0#$ti%ate!0 bo!y $n!esirab%e"
B$t !$rin) that year it +asnt her bo!y so #$ch as her that
I !i!nt %i*e too #$ch, an! that nat$ra%%y trans%ate! into
se1$a% ter#s as +e%%"
=or the #any #en +ho !o stay +ith their #ates !$rin)
cancer an! its treat#ent, the &ee%in) that co#es $' #ost
o&ten is &ear" The #en are &ri)htene! o& ha(in) se1 +ith
their #ates beca$se they &ear they #i)ht h$rt the#" In the
#ens s$''ort )ro$' at CSC, +hen the #en +ere o&&ere! an
o$tsi!e e1'ert, they chose a )yneco%o)ist" They .$st nee!e!
si#'%e in&or#ation 2 estro)en crea# &or (a)ina% !ryness, &or
e1a#'%e 2 an! that he%'e! enor#o$s%y +ith their &ears"
So#eti#es yo$ )o s%o+, an! so#eti#es yo$ )o not at
a%%" An! it he%'s &or #en to hear that si#'%e c$!!%in) is
so#eti#es the best 0se10 yo$ can ha(e $n!er any
circ$#stances any+ay, an! c$!!%in) is a%+ays a%%o+e!"
Treya an! I +ere cha#'ion c$!!%ers, an! that +ent a %on),
%on) +ay"
Ne(a!a has thirty/&i(e %e)a% brothe%s, a%% %icense! an!
s$'er(ise! by the state" The #ost &a#o$s, o& co$rse, is the
M$stan) Ranch, ri)ht o$tsi!e o& Reno, a #ere &orty/#in$te
!ri(e &ro# Inc%ine Ai%%a)e" D$rin) #ost o& the ti#e +e %i(e!
in Inc%ine, Treya +as either on or reco(erin) &ro# che#o,
an! at one 'oint she s$))este! I chec* o$t the M$stan)"
0Rea%%y<0
0Why not< I !ont +ant yo$ to ha(e to )o +itho$t .$st
beca$se o& st$'i! che#othera'y" I thin*, i& yo$ ha! an
a&&air, I +o$%! be h$rt by that" That +o$%! be (ery !i&&ic$%t,
beca$se it +o$%! be a 'ersona% thin)" B$t I ha(e no tro$b%e
+ith so#ethin) %i*e the M$stan)" T+enty b$c*s &or t+enty
#in$tes, isnt it<0
0So#ethin) %i*e that"0 I 'ersona%%y thin* 'rostit$tion is a
nob%e 'ro&ession 4i& &ree%y chosen5, b$t its .$st not #y sty%e"
I ha! re#aine! &aith&$% to Treya thro$)ho$t, an! inten!e!
to stay so" B$t this is so#ethin) each #an has to !eci!e &or
hi#se%&, I s$''ose" B$t I ha(e o&ten re)rette!, on theoretica%
)ro$n!s, not sto''in) in at the M$stan)- .$st &or the
e1'erience"
An! there +ere !e&inite%y occasions +hen I #isse! that
:0Q, #isse! the &$%%ness o& t+o +ho%e breasts, the %o(e%y
ba%ance o& it a%%"
An! so here I a#, starin) at Tina, an! that :0Q is a%% that
I see" I reach o$t an! caress her breasts, an! *iss the# 2
both o& the#" I# str$c* by ho+ #$ch I(e #isse! that
sy##etry, the har#ony o& the &i)$re, ho+ )oo! it &ee%s,
ho+ erotic it rea%%y is, so#ethin) to !o +ith both han!s" I#
(ery sa!, sittin) here +ith Tina, +ith her ba%ance! bo!y, her
t+o &$%% breasts, the s+eetness on her &ace"
0;en< ;en<0
0Loo*, Tina, I ha(e to )o, rea%%y" This has been )reat" B$t
I )otta )et"0
0B$t +e rea%%y ha(ent !one anythin) yet"0
0Tina, .$st +hat in the he%% is it that yo$ !o !o<0
0Han!/.obs, b%o+/.obs, that sort o& thin)"0
0So no interco$rse #eans yo$re not a 'rostit$te, is that
it<0
0Ri)ht"0
0I )otta )o" Its har! to e1'%ain, b$t, +e%%, I(e seen a%% I
nee! to see, I )$ess" This has he%'e! #ore than yo$ #i)ht
*no+, Tina" See ya"0
I #o(e! !o+n the s'ira% staircase, bac* into the sic*%y
'$r'%e ha8e +ith its !i# inhabitants, an! 'ai! &or the
cha#'a)ne, an! +an!ere! bac* into the cobb%e! streets o&
Bonn"
A &e+ !ays %ater I to%! Treya o& the e1'erience, an! she
%a$)he! an! sai!, 03o$ sho$%! ha(e )one &or it"0
Rats"
0He%%o, =rit.o&"0
0;en< I !ont be%ie(e it9 What are yo$ !oin) here<0
I +as the %ast 'erson =rit.o& Ca'ra e1'ecte! to see sittin)
on the ste's o& the Ian*er" We ha!nt seen each other since
#y +e!!in)" He ha! bro$)ht his #other to the ;%ini* &or
treat#ent o& a s#a%% t$#or, the treat#ent +as (ery
s$ccess&$%, an! she e(ent$a%%y ret$rne! to Innsbr$c*, +here
she %i(e!" =rit.o& an! I ha(e a%+ays ha! so#e theoretica%
!i&&erences, b$t 'ersona%%y I ha(e a%+ays %i*e! hi# (ery
#$ch"
0Treyas bein) treate! at the ;%ini*" Rec$rrence to the
%$n) an! brain"0
0Oh, I# rea%%y sorry" I !i!nt *no+, I(e been tra(e%in)
an! %ect$rin)" ;en, this is #y #other" Shes bein) treate! at
the ;%ini*, too"0
=rit.o& an! I #a!e '%ans to #eet %ater, an! Mrs" Ca'ra
&o$n! her +ay to Treyas roo#" Mrs" Ca'ra +as a +on!er&$%
an! >$ite i#'ressi(e 'erson" =a#o$s as an a$thor 2 'oetry,
bio)ra'hy, '%ays 2 she, %i*e E!ith, see#e! to e#bo!y the
)ran! +is!o# o& E$ro'e, at ho#e in the arts, sciences,
h$#anities, the entire s'ectr$# o& h$#an as'irations"
She an! Treya #et, an! a)ain, it +as %o(e at &irst si)ht"
Mrs" Ca'ra is here bein) treate! &or ear%y/sta)e
breast cancer" What a !e%i)ht she is9 I rea%%y %i*e her"
A#on) #any other thin)s, she rea!s 'a%#s, an!
yester!ay she rea! o$rs" ;en has a (ery %on) %i&e %ine, a%%
the +ay to the botto# o& his han!9 She 'ointe! o$t this
c$rrent 0hea%th crisis0 in #y 'a%# >$ite c%ear%y, b$t
're!icte! it +o$%! soon c%ear $' an! I +o$%! %i(e into #y
ei)hties" I %i*e that, o& co$rse" Who *no+s i& its tr$e, b$t
I a# a+are o& a stron)er sense o& +antin) to !o that"
When I +as #ost a&rai! o& this rec$rrence, in$n!ate!
+ith a%% the !ire 're!ictions &ro# !octors, I tho$)ht I! be
)rate&$% to )et ei)ht years instea! o& t+o" To!ay ;en
rea! in a %etter &ro# a &rien! that his #other !ie! o&
breast cancer at &i&ty/three, a #onth a)o I +o$%! ha(e
tho$)ht, &i&ty/three #in$s &orty/one 4#y a)e5, thats
t+e%(e years, that so$n!s 'retty )oo!, I! )o &or that"
B$t to!ay I tho$)ht 6o!, that is yo$n)" I +o$%! %i*e to
%i(e to ei)hty, to see the +or%! chan)e, to #a*e #y
contrib$tion, to +atch #y &rien!s chi%!ren )ro+" Then I
as*, is this +ish&$% thin*in)< Or 'ositi(e i#a)in) o& the
&$t$re< Is it cra(in), )ras'in) &or #ore years< Or the
#ani&estation o& a +i%% to %i(e that +i%% tri$#'h o(er
circ$#stances """ or o& a +i%% to %i(e that i)nores rea%
circ$#stances< I !ont *no+, t$ne in ne1t year an! the
year a&ter that an! the year a&ter that" " " "
7erha's it +as that innoc$o$s b$t to$chin) 'a%#
rea!in), 'erha's +e ha! s%i''e! into !enia% a)ain, 'erha's
+e .$st !i!nt care one +ay or the other, b$t by the ti#e +e
sa+ Schee& &or a re(ie+ o& Treyas 'resent sit$ation, +e
+ere both &air%y o'ti#istic" What he ha! to say +as th$s a%%
the #ore !ist$rbin)"
Another !o+n on the ro%%er coaster" " " " Dr" Schee&
ha! so#e co#'%ete%y $ne1'ecte! ne+s" The t$#ors in
#y %$n)s !ont see# to ha(e res'on!e! to the
che#othera'y at a%%" One inter'retation is that
che#othera'y has reache! a%% the ce%%s that are acti(e
an! the re#ainin) t$#or is no+ !or#ant or in a *in! o&
stea!y state +ith #y bo!y" So#e o& +hat sho+s on the
1/ray #ay a%so be s+e%%in), he #i)ht !o an MRI to &in!
o$t +hat is s+e%%in) an! +hat 'art, i& any, is acti(e
t$#or" 0The !an)er here,0 he sai!, 0is o(ertreat#ent" It
ta*es a %ot o& e1'erience to !eci!e this, a !octor .$st o$t
o& #e!ica% schoo% +o$%! not be ab%e to te%%"0
O(ertreat#ent co$%! #a*e thin)s +orse" As he
e1'%aine! it, i& B0/E0Q o& the re#ainin) ce%%s are not
)ro+in), a thir! treat#ent +o$%! ha(e a chance to *i%%
on%y the :0/20Q that are )ro+in)" B$t it +o$%! a%so
te#'orari%y s$''ress the i##$ne syste# an! th$s #a*e
it 'ossib%e &or the no+/!or#ant B0/E0Q to start )ro+in),
th$s it #i)ht #a*e the sit$ation +orse" He &ee%s
es'ecia%%y stron)%y abo$t this" ;en an! I +ere s$r'rise!
an! shoc*e!"
We ha! *no+n that the sit$ation +as >$ite serio$s, that
so#e ne+ s'ots ha! a''eare! on her %$n)s an! %i(er" B$t
Schee& ha! '%anne!, &or the thir! treat#ent, to s+itch &ro#
i&os&a#i!e to cis/'%atin$#, a (ery e&&ecti(e !r$) a)ainst this
ty'e o& sit$ation" An! no+ he +as te%%in) $s that e(en that
+o$%!nt he%' an! +o$%! 'robab%y h$rt" He ha! (a%i!
reasons &or this !ecision, an! I a!#ire! his co$ra)e in
re&$sin) to !o #ore che#othera'y, since o$r A#erican
!octors +o$%! #ost certain%y ha(e reco##en!e! #ore
che#o, *no+in) &$%% +e%% it +o$%!nt he%'" B$t not Schee&,
#ore treat#ent +o$%! .$st 0!a#a)e her so$%0 an! %ea(e the
cancer $nto$che!"
Rea! it any +ay yo$ %i*e, b$t Schee& +as )i(in) $' on
$s, tho$)h he ne(er '$t it %i*e that" In &act, he +as
)en$ine%y o'ti#istic that the ;e%%ey?6on8a%es 'ro)ra#,
abo$t +hich he +as >$ite *no+%e!)eab%e, #i)ht, .$st might,
ha(e an e&&ect" B$t the &act is, he ha! $se! his bi) )$ns,
an! that +ay+ar! ce%% 2 the ce%% +ith a !ate on it 2 +as
$n#o(e!"
We ha! o$r %ast con(ersation +ith this enor#o$s%y
%i*ab%e #an"
To stabi%i8e #y sit$ation Fho%! the t$#ors in their
'resent stea!y stateG, Dr" Schee& has starte! #e on
a#ino)%$tethi#i!e" Its a ne+%y !e(e%o'e! a)ent +hich
has +i!er a''%icabi%ity than ta#o1i&en" He is a%so
'rescribin) three $ns'eci&ic bio%o)ica%s 2 thy#$s e1tract
4one s$''ository a !ay an! t+o a#'$%es a +ee*5,
e#$%si&ie! (ita#in A 4ten !ro's 2 :K0,000 ID 2 !ai%y &or
three #onths o$t o& the year, the %i(er stores eno$)h &or
the re#ainin) #onths5, an! Wobe M$)os en8y#es" The
thy#$s e1tract, not a(ai%ab%e in the States, is a
nons'eci&ic i##$ne syste# sti#$%atin) a)ent" Its
e&&ecti(eness has on%y been 'ro(en so &ar in ani#a%
e1'eri#ents" Here they(e &o$n! that +here it #i)ht
nor#a%%y ta*e :20,000 cancer ce%%s to in!$ce %$n) cancer
in K0Q o& (accinate! ani#a%s, i& theyre )i(en hi)h !oses
o& (ita#in A, it ta*es one #i%%ion ce%%s to in!$ce cancer"
An! i& theyre )i(en thy#$s e1tract, it ta*es &i(e to si1
#i%%ion ce%%s to !o the sa#e .ob9 Thats a 'retty hi)h
%e(e% o& 'rotection" " " "
I re#in!e! Dr" Schee& o& #y '%an to start the ;e%%ey
'ro)ra# an! he i##e!iate%y sai!, +ith no hesitation,
03es, o& co$rse, (ery )oo!, (ery )oo!"0 ;en sai!, 0Wo$%!
yo$ sen! yo$r !a$)hter to hi#<0 an! Schee& s#i%e! an!
sai!, 0Abso%$te%y"0 I# es'ecia%%y )%a! to ha(e the ;e%%ey
'ro)ra# as so#ethin) to re%y on no+ that treat#ent has
sto''e!"
We as*e! +hat #y 'ro)nosis +as" 0My &ee%in) is not
ba! beca$se yo$r bo!y is ho%!in) the t$#ors in stea!y
state" This +i%% )i(e the other treat#ents yo$ are
consi!erin) ti#e to +or*" The 'rob%e# I see is i& yo$ )et
a co%! or 'ne$#onia, then yo$r bo!y cant &i)ht cancer"0
He +ent on to say I sho$%! contin$e +ith #y
#acrobiotic?;e%%ey 'ro)ra# an! s$))este! I %oo* into Dr"
B$r8yns*i" The i#'ortant thin) is that a%% these 'ro)ra#s
#i)ht he%' an!, since they are nonto1ic, cant h$rt" 03o$
#$st a%+ays #a*e the !istinction bet+een to1ic an!
nonto1ic,0 he sai!" Both ;e%%ey an! B$r8yns*i are honest,
he sai!, +hich is not tr$e o& so#e a%ternati(e cancer
'ractitioners"
We )a(e Schee& one o& Treyas )%$coscan #eters 2 a )i&t
&ro# one !iabetic to another9 2 an! sai! a sa! )oo!bye" I
+ent bac* to the ;$r&$erstenho& to be)in 're'arations &or
o$r !e'art$re" Treya +ent o&& &or a +a%*"
I %e&t the hos'ita% &ee%in) >$ite !o+n, concerne! +ith
+hat Schee& ha! sai!" The +eather has been stran)e
since o$r ret$rn, not a ray o& s$nshine, a%% c%o$!s an!
!ri88%e an! #$ch co%!er than +hen +e %e&t in May, >$ite
!e'ressin)" I starte! +a%*in) a%on) 7o''enhei#era%%ee, a
bea$ti&$% street +ith a +i!e, tree/%ine!, 'ar*%i*e
es'%ana!e !o+n the #i!!%e" I %oo*e! at the b$i%!in)s to
#y ri)ht 2 I! seen the# #any ti#es be&ore 2 an! &e%t a
stir o& interest in s'ite o& #y #oo!" I !ont *no+ +hen
they +ere b$i%t 2 %ate :B00s< 2 b$t Bonn has so#e %o(e%y
ho$ses, each 'ainte! a !i&&erent co%or, each +ith
ba%conies o& (ario$s sha'es an! !esi)ns t$c*e! into
!i&&erent an)%es, each +ith ornate '%aster !ecorations
an! 'e!i#ents an! ca'ita%s an! 'i%asters an! #o%!in)s
an! e#be%%ish#ents o& en!%ess (ariety" Here +as a %i)ht
b%$e ho$se, +hite #o%!in)s, 'ansies in +in!o+ bo1es
a%on) the secon!/&%oor ba%cony, ne1t a +eathere! terra/
cotta ho$se, bei)e ornate #o%!in)s an! car(in)s, +ith
re! carnations %inin) the secon!/ an! &o$rth/&%oor
ba%conies, then a !ee' ye%%o+ ho$se, a %i)ht )reen
ho$se, a crea#y ta$'e ho$se, each +ith han!so#e
entrances, bea$ti&$%%y !etai%e! +in!o+s an! cornices an!
ba%$stra!es, so#e si#'%e an! c%assica%%y e%e)ant, others
#ore ornate an! baro>$e, a%% set o&& by the rich &o%ia)e o&
trees %inin) the si!e+a%* in &ront" An abso%$te%y bea$ti&$%
street" Across the +i!e 'ar*+ay on the other si!e, I
co$%!nt he%' b$t notice, +ere se(era% #o!ern a'art#ent
b$i%!in)s, their b%an* s$r&aces, $ntri##e! s>$are
+in!o+s, b$%*y 'ro'ortions, an! )ray 'aint sho+e! no
)race or bea$ty" B$t, re&%ections on #o!ern %i&e asi!e,
they +ere o(ersha!o+e! by their nei)hbors, by the rich
)reen o& the 'ar*+ay, an! I &e%t a ten!ri% o& .oy be)in to
+in! its +ay thro$)h #y !e'ression"
I +as !e&inite%y &ee%in) better" Was it #y i#a)ination,
or +ere the c%o$!s thinnin) a bit< Was that a bit o& a
sha!o+ on the 'ath in &ront o& #e< I +a%*e! on, to+ar! a
%o(e%y o%! o&&icia% b$i%!in) at the en! o& the 'ar*+ay
'ainte! a rich ye%%o+ +ith !ee' bei)e tri#" S$!!en%y I
ca#e across a stran)e )ro$', ei)ht/ an! nine/year/o%!
)ir%s !resse! in t$t$s an! +hite ti)hts +ith o!! %itt%e
+hite hats 'erche! on to' o& their hea!s, so#e o%!er
)ir%s a%so !resse! in ba%%et cost$#e, so#e a!$%ts +ith
(i!eo ca#eras" A%as, they +ere a%% .$st chan)in) o$t o&
their ba%%et shoes, I ha! e(i!ent%y #isse! the #ain
'er&or#ance b$t >$ite en.oye! the 'ost'er&or#ance
scene"
3es, the s$n +as tryin) to co#e o$t an! s$ccee!in)
#ore an! #ore" S$!!en%y I &o$n! #yse%& +a%*in) ne1t to
a &ence" On the other si!e +as a %$sh, %o(e%y botanica%
)ar!en9 I ha! ne(er be&ore st$#b%e! across this in #y
+an!erin)s an! soon &o$n! #yse%& insi!e the Bonn
Dni(ersity Botanica% 6ar!ens that s$rro$n! the o&&icia%
ye%%o+ b$i%!in)" What a !isco(ery9 Ancient trees +ith
)race&$% !roo'in) branches that )ent%y to$che! the %$sh
%a+n" A +ater+ay an! 'on!s %ine! +ith o%!, )race&$%
trees, 'o'$%ate! by #a%%ar! !$c*s +hose )reen hea!s
)%istene! in the s$n%i)ht 4yes, it +as rea%%y o$t by no+5"
E1otic s'ecies o& a%% *in!s in '%antin) be!s, care&$%%y
ten!e! an! care&$%%y %abe%e!" Heres a section &or
)rasses, there a bea$ti&$% rose )ar!en in the center" The
'in* roses see# to ha(e b%oo#e! &irst, no+ theyre &$%%
an! b%o+sy an! o(erri'e, !ro''in) their 'eta%s on the
%a+n, &ra#in) the re! roses +hich are .$st co#in) into
their bri)ht rich #at$rity" Behin! the# the tan)erine
roses are o'en .$st eno$)h to i!enti&y their start%in)
co%or" I +an!ere! o(er e(ery 'ath in that )ar!en, &ro#
the !ee' !ar* )reenness o& the stat$es>$e trees to the
bri)ht o'en b%a8in) co%ors o& the &%o+er be!s in the
center, an! I &e%t +on!er&$% by the ti#e I ret$rne! to the
;$r&$erstenho&"
I a%so re#in!e! #yse%& that I ha(e other o'tions" I ha!
to re#e#ber #y (is$a%i8ations?#e!itations, since %ate%y
the t$#ors ha(e been (ery >$iet, no (oices, i#a)es, or
&ee%in)s co#in) &ro# the#" B$t, sti%%, it +asnt $nti% the
+a%* in the Botanica% 6ar!ens that I &e%t at 'eace +ith
the sit$ation" This is the +ay thin)s are" We%% !o the
best +e can an! ta*e +hat co#es" No +ay to 're!ict, no
nee! to ho%! on, no $se in cra(in) a 'artic$%ar o$tco#e
an! &ee%in) a(ersion to another, that on%y %ea!s to
s$&&erin)" Its a )oo! %i&e, ;en is #y s+eetheart, an! .$st
%oo* at the co%or o& those roses9
On o$r +ay o$t o& Bonn, +e sto''e! in Co%o)ne an! in
Aachen to see their historic cathe!ra%s, the %ast +e +o$%!
(isit in E$ro'e" B$t a ho%%o+ #e%ancho%y ha! set in"
There +asnt #$ch to !o in Aachen, es'ecia%%y since
the stores in 6er#any c%ose at t+o oc%oc* on Sat$r!ay
4e1ce't the &irst Sat$r!ay o& each #onth5" Were tire! o&
bein) here an! an1io$s to )et ho#e no+ that no
treat#ent is '%anne!" Bore!o# (ery !e&inite%y set in,
e1acerbate! by the &oo! +e +ere ser(e!" I +as s%i)ht%y
entertaine! by t+o si)ns +e sa+ 2 BAD ACCESSORIES
an! SCHMDC; D" ANTIODITATEN 2 b$t on%y s%i)ht%y"
Were both tire! o& +a%*in), +a%*in) an! %oo*in) in
+in!o+s" I certain%y ha(e #y #o#ents o& +on!erin)
+hat %i&e is a%% abo$t, es'ecia%%y in the #i!st o& s$ch
intense &oc$s on treat#ent +ith a%% the ti#e in bet+een
to be &i%%e! +hen +ere in no 'osition to !o any +or*" Not
an ori)ina% >$estion, to be s$re" Sti%%, #y !ri(e to be as
+e%% as 'ossib%e see#s so !ee', %i*e it co#es &ro# a
ce%%$%ar %e(e%, that #y #o#ents o& bein) 'hi%oso'hica%%y
!o+n !ont #$ch !ent it, tho$)h they !o #a*e #y
sho$%!ers sa) an! #y !e%i)ht in %i&e )ro+ !i#" Be&ore an
a%tar to the Air)in Mary at the cathe!ra% in Co%o)ne, a&ter
+e ha! %it so#e can!%es to .oin the a%rea!y b$rnin),
!ancin), &%ic*erin) ro+s, I tho$)ht o& ho+ #y %o(e o& %i&e
$s$a%%y 'o's bac* $ne1'ecte!%y, %i*e +hen I &ee% s$!!en
!e%i)ht in a be! o& roses or hear bir!s sin)in) in
boistero$s co#'etition" B$t to!ay e(en those #o#ents
see#e! &%at, co$%!nt 'enetrate #y #oo! or %i&t #y
!roo'in) sho$%!ers" Ear%ier that !ay I ha! co##ente! to
;en that +e #i)ht ha(e to con&ront these #oo!s #ore
o&ten than 'eo'%e +ho ha(e chi%!ren since chi%!ren so
constant%y !ra+ yo$ into %i&e, &i%% yo$ +ith their sense o&
$nbo$n!e! 'ossibi%ity an! their ho'es &or the &$t$re, a%%
at a ti#e +hen yo$r o+n sense o& %i#itations %oo#s
%ar)er, yo$r bo!y s%o+s !o+n, yo$ beco#e #ore
0rea%istic0 abo$t %i&e"
At this #o#ent in ch$rch, *nee%in) be&ore the #asses
o& can!%es &%ic*erin) in the so&t )%oo#, the on%y thin) I
co$%! thin* o& that )i(es %i&e #eanin) is he%'in) other
'eo'%e" Ser(ice, in a +or!" Thin)s %i*e s'irit$a% )ro+th or
en%i)hten#ent see#e! %i*e nothin) #ore than conce'ts"
=$%% !e(e%o'#ent o& ones 'otentia% a%so see#e! trite
an! e)ocentric $n%ess it %ea!s 4as it o&ten !oes5 to i!eas
or creations that he%' re%ie(e s$&&erin)" What abo$t
bea$ty, #y art +or*, creati(ity< We%%, &or to!ay at %east,
it !i!nt see# (ery i#'ortant, e1ce't 'erha's &or the art
that a!orns sacre! '%aces %i*e this cathe!ra%" H$#an
re%ationshi', h$#an connections, in!ee! )ent%e %o(in)
re%ationshi' +ith a%% &or#s o& %i&e an! a%% o& creation, on%y
that see#e! i#'ortant" ;ee'in) #y heart o'en, a%+ays
#y bi))est cha%%en)e, %ettin) !o+n the !e&enses, bein)
o'en to 'ain so .oy can a%so enter" Does this #ean I%%
s'en! %ess ti#e on #y art an! #ore on +or*in) +ith
'eo'%e +ho ha(e cancer< I !ont *no+" At the #o#ent
the boo* I# +or*in) on +ith in&or#ation that #ay be
he%'&$% to others #eetin) this cha%%en)e see#s #ore
+orth+hi%e than &$se! )%ass '%ates" Tho$)h I i#a)ine I%%
&in! #yse%& in a #ore ba%ance! '%ace at so#e 'oint,
+here theres roo# &or .oy an! bea$ty, +hen the c%o$!s
an! #y #oo! %i&t" " " "
We ha! a %eis$re%y an! %$1$rio$s !e'art$re, on the
L$&t/hansa Air'ort E1'ress train" They chec* yo$r
%$))a)e thro$)h to yo$r &ina% !estination +hen yo$
boar! the train in Bonn, then ser(e >$ite a !e%icio$s
#ea% +ith cha#'a)ne &or those +ho +ant it" This is o$r
&i&th ti#e a%on) this 'art o& the Rhine an! I &ina%%y ha(e a
)$i!eboo* that te%%s #e a %itt%e bit abo$t each cast%e 2
an! there are #any, t+enty/se(en #entione! in this
)$i!eboo* 2 cro+nin) the 'ro#ontories a%on) the +ay or
)$ar!in) 'assa)e a%on) the ri(er" Theres Drachen&e%s,
E$ro'es #ost (isite! #o$ntain 4yes, ;en an! I +ent
there, ;en ret$rne! #any ti#es, an! once too* Aic*y
there5, its core no+ he%! to)ether +ith concrete ban!s
a&ter bein) !an)ero$s%y +ea*ene! by >$arryin), Der
7&a%8)ra&enstein, be)$n in :C2@, a &ortress b$i%t on an
is%an! in the #i!!%e o& the ri(er, the &ortress o&
Ehrenbreitstein, &irst b$i%t in the tenth cent$ry to contro%
the .$nct$re o& the Mose% an! the Rhine, the narro+
section o& the Rhine +here the Lore%ei Roc*, ho#e o& the
enchantress, to+ers &o$r h$n!re! thirty &eet abo(e, B$r)
6$ten&e%s, erecte! aro$n! :200, +ith stee', roc*/
terrace! (ineyar!s casca!in) !o+n &ro# its +a%%s to the
ri(erban*s" """
I #$st say it is >$ite a %o(e%y tri' !o+n the Rhine" As
#$ch as anythin) e%se, I %o(e to %oo* at the &a#i%y
)ar!en '%ots that 'o' $' here an! there on rai%roa! %an!
that +o$%! be other+ise $n$se!" So#eti#es theres on%y
one or t+o, other ti#es theres a %ar)e area +ith thirty or
#ore '%ots, each +ith its o+n she! or too% roo# or tiny
s$##er ho$se, chairs 'ositione! to catch the s$n, so#e
'%ante! in (e)etab%es I +ish I co$%! i!enti&y, others )i(en
o(er a%#ost e1c%$si(e%y to bri)ht/b%osso#e! &%o+ers" I
+ish it +ere Sat$r!ay instea! o& T$es!ay so I co$%! see
'eo'%e '$tterin) aro$n! in the tiny '%ots scattere! here
an! there a%on) the trac*s, %oo*in) .$st %i*e co%or&$%
or)anic 'atch+or* >$i%ts co(erin) s'ecia% s'ots on the
earth"
As +e 'asse! Drachen&e%s, I #o(e! across the ais%e to a
+in!o+ seat, an! stare! at the &ortress $nti% it &a!e! on the
hori8on, +hich too* a &$%% ten #in$tes"
15
Passionate E;uanimity
THE ;ELLE3?6ONLALES 7RO6RAM is base! on the si#'%e
're#ise that !i)esti(e en8y#es !isso%(e a%% or)anic tiss$es,
inc%$!in) t$#ors" An! there&ore, #e)a!oses o& en8y#es,
ta*en ora%%y, +i%% ha(e a t$#or/!isso%(in) e&&ect" That #$ch
is scienti&ica%%y !oc$#ente!, an! in!ee!, s'orts !octors
ha(e been $sin) en8y#es &or years to !isso%(e !isease!
an! in.$re! tiss$es" The centra% 'art o& the ;e%%ey 'ro)ra#
is th$s the in)estion o& a %ar)e n$#ber o& 'ancreatic
en8y#e 'i%%s si1 ti#es a !ay 4inc%$!in) once !$rin) the
ni)ht5" The en8y#es nee! to be ta*en bet+een #ea%s, on
an e#'ty sto#ach, other+ise the en8y#es +o$%! not enter
the b%oo!strea# to !isso%(e the t$#ors b$t +o$%! instea!
si#'%y !isso%(e the &oo!"
The ;e%%ey 'ro)ra# is no+ r$n by Dr" Nicho%as 6on8a%es
in Ne+ 3or* City" Nic*, as +e *ne+ hi#, is a hi)h%y
inte%%i)ent, e1tre#e%y *no+%e!)eab%e 'hysician +ho )ot his
!e)ree at Co%$#bia an! traine! at S%oan/;etterin)" Whi%e
st$!yin) (ario$s cancer treat#ents, he ca#e across the
+or* o& Dr" ;e%%ey, a !entist +ho c%ai#e! to ha(e c$re!
hi#se%&, an! so#e t+enty/&i(e h$n!re! other 'atients, o&
cancer, $sin) 'ancreatic en8y#es in con.$nction +ith !iet,
(ita#ins, co&&ee ene#as, an! other stan!ar!s o& the
a%ternati(e hea%th #o(e#ent" B$t it +as the 'ancreatic
en8y#es, in #e)a!oses, that !istin)$ishe! the ;e%%ey
a''roach"
;e%%ey e(ent$a%%y +ent rather bon*ers 2 'aranoi!
schi8o'hrenic, &ro# +hat I can te%% 2 an! &ro# +hat +e
co$%! )ather &ro# Nic*, Dr" ;e%%ey is sti%% o$t there
so#e+here, ta%*in) to %itt%e #en &ro# other '%anets" =ar
&ro# $'settin) either Treya or #e, +e &o$n! that 'art o& the
story stran)e%y reass$rin)" We ha! trie! a%% the treat#ents
that sane #en ha! co#e $' +ith"
Nic* %oo*e! thro$)h the tho$san!s o& case histories
co#'i%e! by ;e%%ey, an! tosse! o$t a%% the ones that +erent
+e%% !oc$#ente!, no #atter ho+ i#'ressi(e they #i)ht
ha(e been" He sett%e! on &i&ty re'resentati(e cases that ha!
ironc%a! #e!ica% !oc$#entation, an! 'resente! this as a
thesis at S%oan/;etterin), +ith the chair#an o& his
!e'art#ent ser(in) as his a!(isor" So#e o& their res$%ts
+ere astonishin)" =or e1a#'%e, the &i(e/year s$r(i(a% rate
&or Treyas )enera% ty'e o& #etastatic breast cancer is
e1act%y 0"0Q" B$t in these &i&ty cases there +ere a%rea!y
three &i(e/year/'%$s s$r(i(ors 4one se(enteen years59 Nic*
+as so i#'resse! that he ran ;e%%ey !o+n an! st$!ie! +ith
hi# +hi%e he +as sti%% %$ci!" On%y recent%y 2 abo$t ei)ht
#onths be&ore +e &irst sa+ hi# 2 6on8a%es ha! starte! his
o+n 'ractice base! on ;e%%eys i!eas" I +o$%! %i*e to
e#'hasi8e that this +as not a Me1ican &%y/by/ni)ht c%inic
4a%tho$)h +e +o$%! try those too i& +e tho$)ht they +o$%!
he%'5, 6on8a%es is a hi)h%y traine! 'hysician tryin) a (ery
'ro#isin) a%ternati(e a''roach to cancer #ana)e#ent,
&$%%y co#'%yin) +ith the %a+s o& #e!icine in the Dnite!
States"
The centra% !ia)nostic too% that 6on8a%es $se! +as a
b%oo! ana%ysis &or (ario$s cancer #ar*ers in the bo!y" This
test c%ai#e! to be ab%e to te%% the %ocation an! e1tent o&
(ario$s t$#or acti(ities any+here in the bo!y" Be&ore +e
#et 6on8a%es, be&ore +e to%! hi# anythin) abo$t Treyas
case, this b%oo! test in!icate! that she ha! e1tensi(e t$#or
acti(ity in the brain an! in the %$n)s, +ith 'robab%e
in(o%(e#ent in the %y#'h an! %i(er"
At the ti#e o& that test 2 +e ha! .$st ret$rne! &ro#
6er#any, an! ha! .$st starte! the ;e%%ey?6on8a%es 'ro)ra#
2 (ario$s ortho!o1 tests 'er&or#e! at the Den(er hos'ita%
in!icate! that Treya ha!- abo$t &orty %$n) t$#ors, three
brain t$#ors, an! at %east t+o %i(er t$#ors, +ith 'ossib%e
%y#'h in(o%(e#ent"
The cr$cia% score on the 6on8a%es test, ho+e(er, +as the
o(era%% or s$# tota% o& t$#or acti(ity, +hich ran)e! &ro# 0
to K0" 6on8a%es consi!ere! HK or abo(e inc$rab%e, or
ter#ina%" Treya score! CB, +hich +as (ery hi)h b$t not
o$tsi!e the ran)e o& 'ossib%e bene&it, e(en 'ossib%e
re#ission"
The e1tre#e%y !isconcertin) thin) abo$t the
;e%%ey?6on8a%es 'ro)ra# +as that, e(en +hen it +as
+or*in), or es'ecia%%y +hen it +as +or*in), it create!
chan)es in the bo!y that +ere #e!ica%%y in!istin)$ishab%e
&ro# increase! cancer )ro+th" =or e1a#'%e, +hen en8y#es
attac* t$#ors an! be)in !isso%(in) the#, the t$#ors &%are
$' 2 a stan!ar! hista#ine reaction 2 an! this &%are/$', on a
CAT scan, %oo*s e1act%y %i*e the t$#or is )ro+in)" There is
si#'%y no ortho!o1 +ay to te%% +hether the t$#or is
increasin) or &%arin) $' as it !ies 4other than s$r)ery an!
bio'sy5"
An! th$s +e be)an +hat +as by &ar the #ost ner(e/
rac*in), an1iety/in!$cin) %e) o& this .o$rney" As the
en8y#es be)an to ha(e their e&&ect, CAT scans sho+e!
+hat %oo*e! %i*e #assi(e t$#or )ro+th" An! yet 6on8a%ess
b%oo! ana%yses sho+e! Treyas o(era%% cancer score
$n#ista*ab%y )oin) !o+n9 Who are yo$ )oin) to be%ie(e<
Treya +as either )ettin) better (ery &ast, or !yin) (ery &ast,
an! +e co$%!nt te%% +hich"
An! so +e sett%e! into a (ery strict ro$tine at ho#e, an!
+aite!"
It +as ri)ht at the be)innin) o& this 'erio! that Treya
$n!er+ent another #a.or inner shi&t, a ty'e o& &o%%o+/$' to
the shi&t that ha! %e! her to chan)e her na#e &ro# Terry to
Treya" This shi&t +asnt as !ra#atic or 'rono$nce! as the
&irst, b$t Treya &e%t it +as .$st as 'ro&o$n!, 'erha's e(en
#ore so" As a%+ays, it in(o%(e! the re%ationshi' bet+een
bein) an! !oin)" Treya ha! a%+ays been in to$ch +ith the
!oin) si!e o& herse%&, the &irst shi&t +as a re!isco(ery o& the
bein) si!e o& herse%& 2 the &e#inine, the bo!y, the Earth, the
artist 4that, any+ay, +as ho+ she (ie+e! it5" An! this
recent shi&t +as #ore the inte)ration o& both bein) an!
!oin), the brin)in) the# to)ether into a har#onio$s +ho%e"
She hit $'on a 'hrase 2 'assionate e>$ani#ity 2 that
see#e! to 'er&ect%y s$##ari8e the entire 'rocess"
I +as thin*in) abo$t the Car#e%ites e#'hasis on
'assion an! the B$!!hists 'ara%%e% e#'hasis on
e>$ani#ity" This so#eho+ see#e! #ore i#'ortant to
#e than the a)e/o%! ar)$#ent abo$t theis# (ers$s
nontheis# that these t+o )ro$'s $s$a%%y en)a)e in, an!
+hich see#s besi!e the 'oint to #e" It s$!!en%y
occ$rre! to #e that o$r nor#a% $n!erstan!in) o& +hat
'assion #eans is %oa!e! +ith the i!ea o& c%in)in), o&
+antin) so#ethin) or so#eone, o& &earin) %osin) the#,
o& 'ossessi(eness" What i& yo$ ha! 'assion +itho$t a%%
that st$&&, 'assion +itho$t attach#ent, 'assion c%ean
an! '$re< What +o$%! that be %i*e, +hat +o$%! that
#ean< I tho$)ht o& those #o#ents in #e!itation +hen
I(e &e%t #y heart o'en, a 'ain&$%%y +on!er&$% sensation,
a 'assionate &ee%in) b$t +itho$t c%in)in) to any content
or 'erson or thin)" An! the t+o +or!s s$!!en%y co$'%e!
in #y #in! an! #a!e a +ho%e" 7assionate e>$ani#ity,
'assionate e>$ani#ity 2 to be &$%%y 'assionate abo$t a%%
as'ects o& %i&e, abo$t ones re%ationshi' +ith s'irit, to
care to the !e'ths o& ones bein) b$t +ith no trace o&
c%in)in) or ho%!in), thats +hat the 'hrase has co#e to
#ean to #e" It &ee%s &$%%, ro$n!e!, co#'%ete, an!
cha%%en)in)"
This &ee%s (ery ri)ht to #e, (ery !ee' to #e, (ery
centra% to +hat I ha(e been +or*in) on &or #any years,
)oin) bac* to the na#e chan)e" Its %i*e the &irst 'art o&
#y %i&e +as %earnin) 'assion" The %i&e a&ter cancer,
e>$ani#ity" An! no+ brin)in) the# to)ether" This &ee%s
so i#'ortant9 An! it see#s s%o+%y b$t s$re%y to be
'er#eatin) a%% as'ects o& #y %i&e" I sti%% ha(e a +ays to
)o9 B$t it &ee%s %i*e I can &ina%%y see the roa! c%ear%y, on
that 0.o$rney +itho$t )oa%"0
An! as &or the tas* be&ore #e, it #eans to +or*
'assionate%y &or %i&e, +itho$t attach#ent to res$%ts"
7assionate e>$ani#ity, 'assionate e>$ani#ity" So
a''ro'riate9
By an! %ar)e it +as cho' +oo!, carry +ater, +hich Treya
a''roache! +ith ca%# 8ea%" We %et o$r a+areness be &i%%e!
+ith the (ario$s !etai%s o& !ay/to/!ay %i&e an! the incre!ib%y
!e#an!in) as'ects o& the ;e%%ey?6on8a%es 'ro)ra#" An! +e
a+aite! the tests that +o$%! o$t%ine o$r &$t$re"
Bo$%!er
I$%y :EBB
Dear &rien!s,
We(e been bac* &ro# 6er#any &or a &e+ +ee*s no+,
an! +ere tre#en!o$s%y en.oyin) the e(er/chan)in)
+eather o& the Roc*ies, the &a#i%iarity o& A#erica, the
ro$)h '%ay&$%ness o& o$r '$''ies, ha(in) &rien!s an!
&a#i%y nearby"
Ob(io$s%y, hea%in) #yse%& as #$ch as 'ossib%e is no+
#y 'ri#ary &oc$s" My 'ro)ra# is a #i1t$re o& the ;e%%ey
Metabo%ic Eco%o)y 'ro)ra# 4s$''%e#ents, 'ancreatic
en8y#es, !iet, (ario$s interna% c%eansin) 'ro)ra#s5,
#e!itation, (is$a%i8ation, s'irit$a% rea!in), ac$'$nct$re
+ith a 'ractitioner &ro# Tai+an 4o& the 0i& it !oesnt h$rt
it cant be he%'in)0 schoo%5 thro$)h cons$%tation +ith
Michae% Bro&&#an Fa San =rancisco/base! e1'ert on
Chinese an! A#erican #e!icineG, .$!icio$s cons$%tations
an! tests +ith the %oca% onco%o)ist, e1ercise, an! bein)
o$tsi!e as #$ch as 'ossib%e" I(e be)$n the 'rocess o&
&in!in) a %oca% 'sycho%o)ist to +or* +ith an! ha(e
starte! !oin) a bit o& yo)a a)ain"
A !ai%y ro$tine has e#er)e! o$t o& this co#bination
o& 'ro)ra#s/;en )ets $' aro$n! &i(e an! #e!itates &or
se(era% ho$rs be&ore startin) the !ai%y chores o& bein) a
s$''ort 'erson 2 c%eanin), %a$n!ry, )roceries, an! %ots o&
(e)etab%e .$icin)9 I s%ee' as %ate as I can, $s$a%%y nine/
thirty or ten 4I can ne(er see# to )et to be! be&ore
t+e%(e5" Then I be)in #y #ornin) ro$tine, %ar)e%y
!ictate! by the rhyth#s o& the ;e%%ey 'ro)ra#" By the
ti#e I act$a%%y )et $' I(e a%rea!y ta*en t+o o& #y se(en
!ai%y !oses o& 'ancreatic en8y#es 4si1 ca's$%es5, one at
C-C0 A"M" an! one aro$n! @-00 A"M" When I )et $' %ater I
i##e!iate%y ta*e #y !iabetes #e!ication an! thyroi!
'i%%s" I nee! to ha(e brea*&ast ri)ht a+ay or I cant &it the
re#ainin) en8y#e !oses an! #ea%ti#e s$''%e#ents
4o(er thirty 'i%%s +ith each #ea%5 into the re#ainin)
ho$rs o& the !ay" I start o&& +ith the &o$rteen/)rain ra+
cerea% 4)ro$n! the ni)ht be&ore an! soa*e! in +ater
o(erni)ht5 an! ;en $s$a%%y #a*es #e one or t+o e))s to
)o +ith the $s$a% h$)e han!&$% o& s$''%e#ents"
Mean+hi%e I(e #a!e co&&ee &or the #ornin) co&&ee
ene#a so it can coo% +hi%e I eat, I# a%so a%%o+e! one
c$' o& co&&ee a !ay beca$se it can be )oo! &or #y
#etabo%ic ty'e" 4S%o+ to )et starte!95 I #$st a!#it I %oo*
&or+ar! to it"""
Whi%e I eat an! s%o+%y sa(or #y co&&ee an! )a8e o$t
o(er the +oo!e! (a%%ey be%o+ I rea! 2 %ate%y its been
Bec*ers Denial of Death, =ather Tho#as ;eatin)s .pen
$ind, .pen Heart1 The (ontemplati#e Dimension of the
+ospel, an! Osbornes Ramana $aharshi and the -ath of
Self<Kno%ledge an! The Teachings of Ramana $aharshi"
It &ee%s )oo! to ha(e constant re#in!ers o& !i&&erent
+ays o& %oo*in) at an! a''roachin) %ar)er s'irit$a% tr$ths
+hen I# so constant%y in(o%(e! +ith #y bo!y an! ho+ it
&ee%s, so o&ten &ri)htene! by the &%ashin) in #y eye or
the n$#bness in #y %e), so#eho+ ca$)ht a)ain an!
a)ain in i!enti&yin) +ith #y bo!y, tric*e! by #y
&$n!a#enta%, basic +i%% to %i(e on the ce%%$%ar %e(e%, a)ain
an! a)ain con&$sin) Se%& +ith e)o?bo!y" Its tric*y to '$t
so #$ch ener)y into hea%in), to &an the &ires o& %i&e an!
#y +i%% to %i(e +itho$t at the sa#e ti#e be)innin) to
)ras' a&ter %i&e, +itho$t at the sa#e ti#e beco#in) #ore
attache! to an! i!enti&ie! +ith the %i&e o& this c$rrent
a))%o#eration o& %i(in) ce%%s that this 0I,0 +hate(er that
is, so !e'en!s on9
A&ter rea!in) I !o a %itt%e yo)a an! then #e!itate,
si#'%y as an o&&erin) o& #y ti#e an! attention to S'irit,
an a&&ir#ation o& #y &aith in so#ethin) I &in! har! to
artic$%ate or e1'%ain" This a''roach he%'s *ee' #e &ro#
&a%%in) into the e(er/stic*y tra' o& )oa%/oriente! e&&ort"
I a%so thin* o& +hat =ather Tho#as ;eatin) says- 0The
chie& act o& the +i%% is not e&&ort b$t consent" """ To try to
acco#'%ish thin)s by &orce o& +i%% is to rein&orce the &a%se
se%&" " " " B$t as the +i%% )oes $' the %a!!er o& interior
&ree!o#, its acti(ity beco#es #ore an! #ore one o&
consent to 6o!s co#in), to the in&%o+ o& )race"0 I
$s$a%%y ha(e to insert the +or! 0S'irit0 +here he says
06o!0, the %atter is too %oa!e! +ith #a%e, 'atriarcha%, an!
.$!)#enta% o(ertones, too #$ch %i*e a se'arate bein) or
'arent, +hi%e S'irit &ee%s #ore %i*e the a%%/enco#'assin)
One or E#'tiness beyon! &or# that I can so#eho+
i#a)ine #yse%& absorbe! into" B$t I %i*e ;eatin)s
e#'hasis not on tryin) b$t on recei(in), o'enin),
consentin), an o'enin) that is (ery acti(e in its o+n
+ay" He says, 0Tryin) !i%$tes the basic !is'osition o&
rece'ti(ity that is necessary &or the )ro+th o&
conte#'%ati(e 'rayer" Rece'ti(ity is not inacti(ity" It is
rea% acti(ity b$t not e&&ort in the or!inary sense o& the
+or!" """ It is si#'%y an attit$!e o& +aitin) &or the
D%ti#ate Mystery" 3o$ !ont *no+ +hat that is, b$t as
yo$r &aith is '$ri&ie!, yo$ !ont +ant to *no+"0 This
0acti(e inacti(ity0 is an e1a#'%e o& +hat I thin* o& as
0'assionate e>$ani#ity"0 ;en re#in!s #e that the
Taoists ca%% it 0+ei +$ +ei,0 +hich %itera%%y #eans 0action
no action0 an! +hich is o&ten trans%ate! as 0e&&ort%ess
e&&ort"0
;eatin) reco##en!s the $se o& a &i(e/ to nine/
sy%%ab%e 0acti(e 'rayer,0 rather %i*e a #antra" The one I
%i*e 4its not on his %ist5 is 0Consent to the 7resence o&
S'irit"0 I &in! that the +or! 0consent0 start%es #e,
a+a*ens #e, s$r'rises #e each ti#e beca$se I so easi%y
an! so constant%y &a%% into e&&ort" It #a*es #e 'a$se in
#y acti(ity, an! a +his'er o& re%a1ation, o& )ent%eness,
o& a%%o+in) #o(es thro$)h that 'a$se" I sti%% $se the
#antra 0o# #ani 'a!#e h$n)0 !$rin) the !ay Fthe
#antra o& Chenre8i, the B$!!ha o& co#'assionG, b$t its
nice to no+ ha(e a #antra in En)%ish +hose #eanin)
a%+ays start%es #e into #ore a+areness" I sti%% +ear the
+oo!en rosary &ro# the Sno+#ass Monastery on #y %e&t
+rist an! e(ery ti#e it catches on so#ethin), +hich is
>$ite o&ten, I try to 'a$se, )ent%y !isen)a)e it, notice the
&%ash o& irritation i& that ha''ens, an! re'eat to #yse%&,
0Consent to the 7resence o& S'irit"0 It creates a #o#ent
o& sti%%ness, o& o'enness that I %i*e"
A&ter #e!itation its ti#e &or the co&&ee ene#a, a
)enera%i8e! !eto1i&ication 'roce!$re that sti#$%ates the
%i(er an! )a%%b%a!!er to re%ease store! to1ins an! +astes"
Its a co#'onent o& #any a%ternati(e cancer treat#ents,
inc%$!in) the 6erson 'ro)ra#, an! these ene#as ha(e
been $se! sa&e%y &or o(er one h$n!re! years" I *no+ that
&or #e they &ee% )oo! an! int$iti(e%y ri)ht" I re#e#ber
ho+ years a)o I %et #y onco%o)ist at the ti#e scare #e
a+ay &ro# the# e(en tho$)h they 'ro(i!e! a %ot o& re%ie&
&ro# 'ain&$% e&&ects o& che#othera'y on recta% tiss$e" He
#a!e a &orce&$%, !isa''ro(in) co##ent abo$t these
ene#as ca$sin) e%ectro%yte i#ba%ances" On%y %ater !i! I
rea%i8e he 'robab%y !i!nt *no+ #$ch abo$t the# an!
that i& s$ch a thin) ha! been 'ro(en it +as 'robab%y in
tests +here ene#as +ere )i(en t+enty ti#es a !ay9
The ene#a ta*es abo$t thirty #in$tes an! I $se the
ti#e &or (is$a%i8ation, +ith a ta'e o& 6oen*a chantin) in
7a%i '%ayin) in the bac*)ro$n!" De'en!in) on ho+ thin)s
&ee% that !ay, I #ay (is$a%i8e in a !irecti(e, )oa%/oriente!
+ay, seein) the t$#ors bein) !i)este!, *i%%e!, an!
c%eare! a+ay" At other ti#es, +hen I &ee% the nee! to be
o'en, to >$estion an! e1'%ore, I !ia%o)$e +ith the
t$#ors, as*in) >$estions, seein) i& they ha(e anythin)
to say to #e"
In the &irst case, I acti(e%y i#a)ine the en8y#es
attac*in) the t$#ors 4I !o this one at a ti#e, startin)
+ith the brain t$#or then #o(in) on to the %ar)e %$n)
t$#or5" I i#a)ine the t$#or bein) so&tene! by the
en8y#es, +hich enter thro$)h the b%oo!strea# b$t #ost
stron)%y &ro# the %o+er ri)ht" I i#a)ine the ce%%s bein)
!i)este! by the en8y#es an! at the sa#e ti#e i#a)ine
#y i##$ne syste# he%'in) *i%% these +ea*ene! ce%%s" I
see the t$#or bein) *i%%e! &ro# +ithin, the b%ac* area at
the center )ro+in) %ar)er, the s$rro$n!in) s+e%%in)
!i#inishin), an! so#eti#es I see the t$#or co%%a'sin) in
on itse%& as #ore an! #ore !ea! ce%%s are c%eare! a+ay
&ro# the center"
When I acti(e%y !ia%o)$e +ith each t$#or, its a
!i&&erent 'rocess +ith a !i&&erent &ee%in) tone" =irst I
chec* to see i& anythin) has chan)e! since the %ast ti#e"
Then I #ay as* i& the t$#ors ha(e anythin) to say to #e,
s$ch as con&ir#ation o& +hat I a# !oin) or s$))estions
&or so#ethin) !i&&erent" What I see an! +hat I hear has
been a%#ost $ni&or#%y 'ositi(e 2 I !ont *no+ i& it #eans
anythin) ob.ecti(e%y, b$t at %east it te%%s #e I# &ee%in)
ho'e&$% on !ee'er, %ess conscio$s %e(e%s" The t$#ors
ha(e sai! thin)s %i*e 0Dont +orry, its )oin) to be O;,0
or 0Dont +orry i& yo$ )et so#e stran)e sy#'to#s,
thin)s +i%% be chan)in) in here, the sha'e o& the t$#or
+i%% chan)e an! 'ress on !i&&erent areas, b$t it !oesnt
#ean anythin), !ont +orry abo$t it"0 On%y a &e+ +ee*s
a)o the brain t$#or to%! #e, so#e+hat a'o%o)etica%%y,
that it !i!nt +ant to h$rt #e, it certain%y !i!nt +ant to
*i%% #e, an! th$s it +as )%a! I +as tryin) the en8y#es
beca$se so#eho+ it .$st co$%!nt )i(e in to ra!iation or
che#othera'y 4it has 'ro(en &air%y resistant to these5
b$t it tho$)ht it +o$%! be ab%e to )i(e in to the en8y#es,
to '%ease )i(e this 'ro)ra# a chance, at %east three
#onths9
A)ain, I ho%! a%% o& this %i)ht%y" I !ont *no+ i& the
in&or#ation an! a!(ice I )et in this #anner has any
ob.ecti(e tr$th to it, b$t I &in! it he%'&$% to connect +ith
these !i&&erent (oices in #yse%&, to better $n!erstan!
+hat is )oin) on interna%%y, be%o+ the %e(e% o& e(ery!ay
conscio$sness, an! I !o 'ay attention to the inner a!(ice
that co#es in this +ay" Many ti#es the t$#ors are si%ent
or &ee% $na''roachab%e" I a%+ays as* the he%' o& Mother
Mary an! the Litt%e O%! Man o& the Mo$ntains 4+ho %oo*s
s$s'icio$s%y %i*e a 6er#an !o%% I i#'$%si(e%y bo$)ht in
the air'ort 2 he has a bi) )ray bear!, )reen %o!en/c%oth
.ac*et, an! *na'sac* on his bac*5" They ha(e beco#e
#y )$i!es on this inner .o$rney an! are a #ost +e%co#e
so$rce o& co#&ort an! co#'anionshi'" I& I +asnt
in(enti(e eno$)h to ha(e i#a)inary '%ay#ates as a
chi%!, I# #a*in) $' &or it no+9
A&ter the co&&ee ene#a its ti#e &or en8y#e !ose RC
4they ha(e to be se'arate! &ro# #ea%s by an ho$r or the
en8y#es +i%% ha''i%y )o to +or* on &oo! an! not #a*e it
into #y b%oo!strea#5" I ta*e the !o)s &or a short +a%*,
c%ean $' a %itt%e, an! s$!!en%y its ti#e &or %$nch, +hich
;en +hi's $'" I +as s$r'rise! by the !iet Dr" 6on8a%es
o$t%ine!" Its act$a%%y #$ch broa!er than the
se#i#acrobiotic !iet I +as on, +hich is a re%ie& since I
ha! antici'ate! an e(en narro+er !iet in so#e +ays" I#
c%assi&ie!, on the basis o& hair ana%ysis an! b%oo! tests,
as a Mo!erate Ae)etarian Metabo%i8er, one o& ten
#etabo%ic ty'es 4the 'ro)ra#, es'ecia%%y the !iet, is
s%i)ht%y !i&&erent &or each ty'e5" This #eans I !o +e%%
+ith (e)etarian 'rotein 4I(e been a &ish/eatin)
(e)etarian since :E@25 b$t !o better +ith so#e %ean
ani#a% 'rotein 4e))s, cheeses, &ish, 'o$%try, occasiona%
re! #eat5" My on%y trans)ression on this 'ro)ra# so &ar
4I(e been on it t+e%(e !ays5 is that I ha(ent )otten
aro$n! to eatin) re! #eat yet9 O$ite a h$r!%e to
o(erco#e" I ha(e to act$a%%y eat it9 I +on!er ho+ it +i%%
taste """ +hat it +i%% be %i*e to che+ bee& once a)ain " " "
an! o& co$rse #y &ather, a catt%e#an, is !e%i)hte! by this
stran)e t+ist9
The !iet is M0Q ra+ 4I &in! this !i&&ic$%t to #ana)e5, at
%east &o$r ser(in)s o& (e)etab%es a !ay, &resh (e)etab%e
.$ice a%#ost e(ery !ay 4carrot .$ice &or non!iabetics5,
+ho%e )rains, the &o$rteen/)rain ra+ cerea% &i(e ti#es a
+ee*, e))s an! !airy 'ro!$cts 4#y ty'e can han!%e the
cho%estero% easi%y, b$t I# to a(oi! ye%%o+ cheeses5, n$ts
an! see!s, %ean 'o$%try t+ice a +ee*, %ean re! #eat
once a +ee*" I# a%so a%%o+e! three ser(in)s o& &r$it a
!ay, b$t thats i#'ossib%e &or #e $n%ess I# on ins$%in"
I# to a(oi! a%coho%, es'ecia%%y &or the &irst three #onths,
tho$)h an occasiona% )%ass o& +ine is O;" N$tras+eet is
consi!ere! $n&it &or h$#an $se, b$t a s#a%% a#o$nt o&
saccharine 4this beca$se I# !iabetic an! cant $se the
&r$its an! honey that are a%%o+e!5 is O;" I cant te%% yo$
ho+ #$ch !i&&erence that one 'ac*a)e o& s+eetener
#a*es to #e on a !ai%y basis" " " "
O;" 0With %$nch another bi) han!&$% o& 'i%%s )oes
!o+n a)ain, tho$)h so#eti#es #ost re%$ctant%y" I +as
once ab%e to ta*e a +ho%e han!&$% o& 'i%%s in one )$%'" No
%on)er" No+ they )o !o+n one by one or, i& I# &ee%in)
!arin), t+o by t+o" Nothin) %i*e )ettin) a 'i%% ca$)ht 'art
+ay !o+n at C-C0 A"M", es'ecia%%y one +hose contents
are as !e%ectab%e as 'or* 'ancreatic en8y#es" With a%% o&
these 'roce!$res, inc%$!in) the ene#a, I $se on%y +ater
&i%tere! by the re(erse os#osis 'rocess or !isti%%e! +ater"
An ho$r or so a&ter %$nch I ha(e !ose RH o& the
en8y#es an! t+o ho$rs %ater !ose RK 4no snac*s or the
en8y#es )et !i(erte!5" An ho$r a&ter !ose RK I #a*e a
be&ore/!inner )%ass o& (e)etab%e .$ice +ith the Cha#'ion
.$icer" Then +e ha(e !inner 2 ;en $s$a%%y coo*s
so#ethin) +on!er&$%" He #a*es &ab$%o$s (e)etarian
'i88a +ith a >$inoa cr$st, scr$#'tio$s (e)etarian chi%i
an! ratato$i%%e, chic*en 'ri#a(era an! Thai &ish" Hes
sti%% tryin) to &i)$re o$t ho+ to coo* re! #eat9 Then +e
+atch (i!eos an! c$!!%e on the co$ch #any e(enin)s,
!o)s an! a%%9
;en !oes the sho''in) an! the %a$n!ry an! the ho$se
chores, +hich is e1tre#e%y he%'&$% beca$se the en8y#es
#a*e yo$ so tire!" Hes a%+ays there &or #e, stea!y,
a(ai%ab%e +hen I nee! hi#, c$te, an! %o(in)" We c$!!%e
to)ether in the e(enin)s an! +on!er +hats ha''ene! to
o$r %i(es" Were )ettin) o$r +i%%s in sha'e, .$st in case"
Its .$st +hat is in o$r %i(es" Were &$rio$s an! $'set an!
an)ry that this is ha''enin) to $s, that it ha''ens to
anyone at a%%, an! +e(e a%so %earne! ho+ to breathe
!ee'%y, ho+ to acce't +hat is 4at #o#ents, at %east95,
ho+ to en.oy %i&e as it is, ho+ to a''reciate the #o#ents
o& connection an! o& .oy, an! ho+ to $se this terri&yin),
heart/+renchin) e1'erience to he%' $s stay o'en to %i&e
an! )ro+ in co#'assion"
Its o!! to b$y a ne+ car 4a Iee' Wran)%er5 +ith a si1/
year +arranty an! +on!er i& I%% be aro$n! +hen the
+arranty r$ns o$t" Its o!! to hear 'eo'%e #a*in) '%ans
&i(e years ahea! an! +on!er i& I%% be aro$n! then" Its
o!! to thin* I! better not '$t so#ethin) %i*e terracin)
the )ar!en o&& $nti% ne1t year beca$se I #ay not be
aro$n! to en.oy it" Its o!! to hear &rien!s ta%* abo$t a
tri' to Ne'a% an! rea%i8e that I can 'robab%y ne(er )o,
that the ris* o& catchin) so#ethin) that +o$%! !i(ert #y
i##$ne syste# &ro# &i)htin) the t$#ors is too )reat"
We%%, I(e !one a %ot o& tra(e%in) in #y ti#e, tho$)h
ne(er to Ne'a%" ;ens a%+ays sayin) I #o(e aro$n! too
#$ch any+ay, so this is #y chance to see +hat chan)es
stayin) c%oser to ho#e +i%% brin) to #y %i&e"
To &inish #y 'i%%/!o#inate! !ay, three ti#es a +ee* I
)o &or an ac$'$nct$re treat#ent, a 'rocess that ta*es
aro$n! t+o ho$rs" Then its another b%oo! s$)ar chec*
an! +ith !inner another han!&$% o& thirty #ore assorte!
'i%%s" En8y#e !ose RM co#es an ho$r %ater, then HK/M0
#in$tes on the e1ercise bi*e, &o%%o+e! by en8y#es R@
an! a short #e!itation be&ore )oin) to s%ee'" I ta*e a
&ina% set o& 'i%%s at be!ti#e 4this inc%$!es the anti/
estro)en a)ent I ta*e5 an! chec* to be s$re the a%ar# is
set &or C-C0 A"M" This )oes on &or ten !ays, then I )et
&i(e !ays to c%eanse an! rest +hen I ta*e no (ita#ins or
en8y#es 4tho$)h I contin$e en8y#es an! HC: +ith
#ea%s5" This cyc%e o& ten !ays on an! &i(e !ays o&& is the
)enera%%y 'rescribe! 'attern, since !$rin) the ti#e o&&
the bo!y can 0catch $' +ith the to1ic %oa! res$%tin) &ro#
'hysio%o)ica% re'air an! reb$i%!in)"0 The &irst &i(e !ays
o&& I a%so !o a 0c%ean s+ee' 'rotoco%,0 ta*in) hi)h !oses
o& 'sy%%i$# see! h$s*s an! bentonite c%ay so%$tion three
ti#es a !ay" The 'sy%%i$# is s$''ose! to +or* its +ay
thro$)h the %ar)e an! s#a%% intestines, &orcin) o$t
+astes st$c* in %itt%e noo*s an! crannies, +hi%e the
bentonite absorbs to1ins &ro# the )$t" I# no+ on !ay
R2 o& this 'ro)ra#" My ne1t &i(e !ays o&& I# s$''ose!
to !o a %i(er &%$sh" Non!iabetics $se a''%e .$ice b$t I +i%%
!isso%(e the ortho/'hos'horic aci! in '%ain +ater an!
!rin* &o$r )%asses a !ay" At the en! I ta*e E'so# sa%ts,
an ene#a, #ore sa%ts, an! then 2 +hoo'ee9 2 a !inner o&
hea(y +hi''in) crea# an! &r$it" O%i(e oi% be&ore be!,
$)h" The aci! is s$''ose! to re#o(e ca%ci$# an! &ats
&ro# arteries an! so&ten an! !isso%(e )a%%stones" E'so#
sa%ts re%a1 the s'hincter #$sc%es o& the )a%%b%a!!er an!
bi%e !$cts, a%%o+in) the stones to 'ass" The crea# an! oi%
#a*e the )a%%b%a!!er an! %i(er contract, &orcin) +astes,
bi%e, an! stones into the s#a%% intestine" O$ite a
'rocess " " " so#ethin) to %oo* &or+ar! to9
;en an! I both %i*e! Dr" 6on8a%es" His o&&ice is a #ere
b%oc* an! a ha%& &ro# #y a$nts a'art#ent in Ne+ 3or*"
He says @0/@KQ o& his 'atients !o +e%% on the 'ro)ra#,
+hich I be%ie(e #eans they are e(ent$a%%y c$re! or
#ana)e to ho%! their o+n a)ainst the cancer &or a %on)
ti#e" Since I ha(e >$ite a %ot o& cancer in #y bo!y sti%%,
he says I 'robab%y ha(e a K0Q chance o& res'on!in) +e%%
to the 'ro)ra#, tho$)h he &ee%s #y chances are act$a%%y
hi)her than that beca$se o& #y !eter#ination an!
$n!erstan!in) o& the 'ro)ra#"
Thro$)h a s'ecia% *in! o& b%oo! test they test the
stren)th o& !i&&erent or)ans an! bo!y syste#s an!
+hether or not cancer is 'resent" This sho+s the bo!ys
+ea* 'oints an! he%'s !eter#ine the (ita#ins an! or)an
e1tracts 'rescribe!" I +ont )o into the !etai%s, b$t the
res$%ts o& #y test +ere co#'%ete%y consistent +ith +here
the cancer act$a%%y is an! +ith the e1'ecte! e&&ects o&
che#othera'y, a%% o& this be&ore the !octor e(er sa+ #e
or #y recor!s" They a%so )i(e yo$ an o(era%% score &or
the a#o$nt o& cancer in the bo!y an! this is the test
they $se to &o%%o+ yo$r 'ro)ress on the 'ro)ra#" Dr"
6on8a%es sai! #ost o& his 'atients score bet+een :B an!
2H an! that he consi!ers a score o& HK to K0 inc$rab%e"
My score +as CB, +hich is >$ite hi)h b$t sti%% +ith a )oo!
chance &or a res'onse" He sai! hes ha! 'atients +ho
score! :K +ho !i!nt #a*e it an! others +ho score! in
the hi)h C0s +hose bo!ies +ere incre!ib%y e&&icient at
brea*in) !o+n t$#ors once they starte! the 'ro)ra#"
We%% *no+ #ore abo$t #y chances a&ter a #onth on the
'ro)ra#, he sai!" He%% 'robab%y !o another b%oo! test
then, an! ho+ I &ee% +i%% a%so te%% $s a %ot abo$t #y
res'onse" Dr" 6on8a%es says that o&ten 'eo'%e &ee%
si#'%y terrib%e on the 'ro)ra#, a%#ost %i*e theyre !yin),
be&ore they start )ettin) better" E(ery ti#e I co#'%ain
that I# &ee%in) tire!, ;en says 0)ooooo!90 2 no
sy#'athy &ro# that >$arter" So &ar I ha(e in!ee! &e%t
>$ite tire!, +hich #eans #y e1ercise 'ro)ra# has been
c$rtai%e! an! I(e starte! ta*in) ins$%in"
I !o *no+ that +hen I thin* ahea! to the 'ossib%e
o$tco#es o& this sit$ation or +hen I thin* o& the ti#e o&
#y !eath, +hene(er that #o#ent co#es, I *no+ I +i%%
&ee% #ore at 'eace i& I &ee% s$re abo$t the choices I #a!e
a%on) the +ay, i& I *no+ that at the ti#e I #a!e each
choice I +as not $n!$%y in&%$ence! by the be%ie&s o&
others aro$n! #e, that the choice tr$%y &e%t %i*e #y
choice" I &e%t %i*e the Schee& 'ro)ra# an! the ;e%%ey
'ro)ra# +ere #y choice, !e&inite%y" B$t I &e%t I +as too
in&%$ence! by (ario$s !octors abo$t ha(in) a se)#enta%
at &irst, I be%ie(e I +o$%! ha(e chosen a #astecto#y i& I
%istene! #ore to #y o+n (oice, an! then )one to
Li(in)ston/Whee%er" My #ain a!(ice is a%+ays to be+are
bein) *noc*e! o&& center by +hat !octors say 4they can
be terrib%y con(incin) abo$t +hat they !o an! terrib%y
c%ose/#in!e! abo$t non/tra!itiona% a''roaches5, to ta*e
the >$iet ti#e to be c%ear abo$t +hat yo$ +ant an! +hat
yo$ are int$iti(e%y !ra+n to, an! to #a*e a choice yo$
&ee% is yo$rs, a choice yo$ can stan! by no #atter +hat
the o$tco#e" I& I !ie, I ha(e to *no+ it is by #y o+n
choices"
I .$st co#'%ete! the !esi)n o& another &$se! )%ass
'%ate, +hich &ee%s satis&yin)" I no+ +rite 0artist0 +hen
as*e! &or #y occ$'ation9
I(e ta*en as #y 'ractice %ate%y 4:5 #in!&$%ness an!
425 s$rren!er" Sort o& co#binin) a B$!!hist 'ractice an!
a Christian 'ractice, in yet another +ay" I recent%y
atten!e! 'arts o& Naro'as Christian an! B$!!hist
Me!itation con&erence an! &o$n! it &ascinatin)" =or those
+ho !ont *no+, Naro'a is a conte#'%ati(e co%%e)e here
in Bo$%!er ori)ina%%y &o$n!e! by st$!ents o& Cho)ya#
Tr$n)'a, Rin'oche" ;en is on the Boar! o& Tr$stees, as
are Le1 Hi1on, Iere#y Hay+ar!, an! Sa# Bercho%8" They
ha(e so#e (ery e1citin) an! inno(ati(e 'ro)ra#s, +ith
a stron) e#'hasis on 'sycho%o)y, the arts, +ritin) an!
'oetics, an! B$!!hist st$!ies"
The #ain res$%t o& this con&erence &or #e +as a
)ro+in) sense that I# be)innin) to c%eanse Christian
+or!s an! 'hrases an! +ays o& !escribin) #ystica%
e1'erience o& the ne)ati(e connotations that ha(e
a%+ays *e't #e &ro# &ee%in) co#&ortab%e +ith +or!s %i*e
6o! or Christ or sin or s$rren!er" In &act, I &o$n! the %itt%e
'hrase I $se in #e!itation as #y 0Christian co#'onent0
has chan)e! &ro# 0Consent to the 7resence o& S'irit0 2
sa&e, ec$#enica%, no rea% b$88+or!s, tho$)h 0consent0
+as e(en a cha%%en)e to #e then 2 to 0S$rren!er to
6o!"0 Strai)ht&or+ar!, !irect, co#'ose! o& +hat +ere
once t+o #a.or b$88+or!s &or #e" B$t no+ I %o(e it9 It is
e1act%y +hat I nee!" The shoc* (a%$e, a ho%!o(er &ro#
+hat those +or!s once #eant to #e, +a*es #e $'" It
brin)s #e bac* to #in!&$%ness" I &in! +hen I 'ractice
this, +hen I re'eat this 'hrase, I s$!!en%y %et )o o&
+hate(er +as 'reocc$'yin) #e, #y a+areness o'ens
an! e1'an!s, an! &or a #o#ent I s$!!en%y see an! &ee%
the bea$ty an! ener)y a%% aro$n! #e, 'o$rin) into #e,
e1ten!in) o$t to in&inity, to a%% s'ace, an! the +or!
06o!0 #a*es #e thin* not o& a 'atriarch b$t o& (astness
an! e#'tiness an! 'o+er an! co#'%eteness an!
e(er%astin)ness an! &$%%ness"
Basica%%y I# !oin) >$ite +e%%" My #ornin) Fs'irit$a%G
ro$tine 'ro(i!es stabi%ity an! co#&ort an! constant
re#in!ers that, in s'ite o& a%% the attention I 'ay to #y
bo!y, I a# not this bo!y" I %i*e bein) re#in!e! o& 0the
$ncon!itione!, abso%$te Bein) that yo$ rea%%y are,0 e(en
i& I# &ar &ro# !irect%y e1'eriencin) that" I %i*e bein)
re#in!e! that 0a%% e&&ort is si#'%y to )et ri! o& the
#ista*en i#'ression that one is %i#ite! an! bo$n! by
the +oes o& sa#sara 4this %i&e5"0 I %i*e hearin) Ra#ana
Maharshi ta%* abo$t tr$stin) 6o!, ho+ 0i& yo$ ha(e
s$rren!ere! it #eans that yo$ #$st acce't the +i%% o&
6o! an! not #a*e a )rie(ance o& +hat #ay not ha''en
to '%ease yo$"0 I %i*e bein) re#in!e! that 03o$ than*
6o! &or the )oo! thin)s that co#e to yo$ b$t yo$ !ont
than* Hi# &or the thin)s that see# to yo$ ba!, that is
+here yo$ )o +ron)"0 I !o ha(e the &ee%in) that #y
ha(in) cancer has so#eho+ 0set #y !estiny in #otion,0
a 'hrase a &rien! $se! abo$t her o+n %i&e that I
res'on!e! to" I re#e#ber another &rien! +ho ha!
cancer sharin) his ne+ artistic creation 2 I +as b%o+n
a+ay by its 'o+er an! bea$ty 2 an! a&ter+ar!s sayin)
03o$ *no+, I sort o& hate to say this, b$t I +o$%!nt ha(e
&o$n! these !e'ths +ithin #e b$t &or this cancer"0
I !ont ha(e any i!ea +hat %ies ahea!" It #ay )et
easier, it #ay )et a %ot to$)her" I #ay be ab%e to coast
a%on) &or a +hi%e, or a s$!!en chan)e #i)ht &in! $s in
the #i!!%e o& so#e other treat#ent" I rea%i8e that I
ha(ent yet ha! to !ea% +ith 'ain or +ith i#'aire!
&$nctionin) o& any *in!, an! I !ont *no+ ho+ bra(e or
ho+ acce'tin) or ho+ ca%# or ho+ than*&$% to 6o! I%% be
+hen?i& that ha''ens"
These %etters +ere ne(er inten!e! to beco#e a
contin$in) series" I +as si#'%y too %a8y to +rite to
e(eryone in!i(i!$a%%y b$t +ante! to *ee' in to$ch" No+
they(e ta*en on a %i&e o& their o+n an! e(en i& no one
e%se +ere to rea! the# I! 'robab%y sti%% +rite the#9 An!
I ha(e inc%$!e! a%% these !etai%s abo$t tests an!
con&$sin) res$%ts an! con&%ictin) o'inions an! !i&&ic$%t
choices not beca$se the n$#bers or the res$%ts or e(en
the choices I(e #a!e are i#'ortant b$t beca$se the
!etai%s o& the !ai%iness o& %i(in) +ith this !isease brin)s
a%i(e )enera%ities %i*e 0%i(in) +ith cancer is an e#otiona%
ro%%er coaster,0 0treat#ent choices are harro+in)%y
!i&&ic$%t,0 0+e cant '%an ahea! 'ast ne1t +ee*,0 an!
0this +i%% )o on an! on $nti% the en!"0 Others stories are
!i&&erent in n$#bers, !etai%s, 'ace, an! o$tco#es b$t, a%%
in a%%, not so (ery !i&&erent in &ee%" Its a b$#'y ri!e"
Certain%y at those #o#ents +hen I +on!er i& its a%%
+orth it, is %i&e rea%%y so )reat to be &i)htin) so har! &or
#ore, #aybe I%% .$st )i(e $' i& it beco#es too har! 2 an!
I !o ha(e those tho$)hts, >$ite re)$%ar%y 2 one thin) that
s$stains #e, that #a*es #e +ant to carry on, to e1'%ore
!ee'er, is the 'rocess o& co##ittin) +hat I e1'erience
an! +hat I %earn an! the +ays I a# cha%%en)e! to 'a'er"
In &act, ;en as*e! #e .$st the other !ay i& thin)s )ot
rea%%y ba!, +o$%! I contin$e +ith these %etters< I
i##e!iate%y sai! 03es, o& co$rse" In &act, I(e tho$)ht
that this #i)ht be +hat +o$%! *ee' #e )oin) e(en i& I
+ere in 'ain, +hat +o$%! *ee' #e &ro# choosin) an
easier +ay o$t, *ee' #e be%ie(in) there +as sti%% (a%$e in
%i(in) !ay by !ay e(en i& I +ere in a %ot o& 'ain an! the
en! +as ob(io$s%y near"0 I +o$%! sti%% be tryin) to %et yo$
a%% *no+ +hat it +as %i*e &or #e, sti%% tryin) to $se #y
e1'erience to reach o$t to yo$ in ho'es that sharin)
#i)ht so#eho+, so#e!ay, be he%'&$% to so#eone e%se"
Ti#e to si)n o&& an! #o(e on to the ne1t %etter9 I
a'o%o)i8e abo$t not bein) better abo$t ans+erin) %etters
or ret$rnin) 'hone ca%%s, b$t I# s$re each o& yo$
$n!erstan!s an! I ass$re yo$ that ;en an! I &ee% the
s$''ort o& a%% o& yo$ o$t there e(ery !ay in #any +ays9
With #$ch %o(e,
Treya
The b$#'y ri!e 2 the rea%%y b$#'y ri!e 2 be)an" A%#ost
i##e!iate%y con&%ictin) #e!ica% re'orts starte! 'o$rin) in"
Ortho!o1 #e!ica% tests be)an sho+in) ra'i! t$#or )ro+th
in Treyas bo!y" B$t these tests +ere a%so 'er&ect%y
consistent +ith +hat +e +o$%! e1'ect to see i& the t$#ors
+ere bein) !isso%(e! by the en8y#es"
I ha! a scare yester!ay, a bit o& a rest%ess ni)ht
beca$se o& it" My Den(er !octor ca%%e! +ith the res$%ts o&
a test 2 the cancer e#bryonic assay, or CEA, +hich
#eas$res the a#o$nt o& a 'rotein in cancer ce%%s
circ$%atin) in the b%oo! an! th$s in!icates the a#o$nt o&
acti(e cancer in yo$r bo!y" My test in Ian$ary, +hen I
+as !ia)nose!, +as @"@ 40/K is consi!ere! nor#a%5" A&ter
the &irst treat#ent in 6er#any it +as :C an! .$st be&ore I
%e&t in May it +as :M"@" Were s$''ose! to +atch these
t$#or #ar*ers &or in!ications that the t$#ors are
)ro+in), an! i& they are #$st consi!er the ne1t ste' to
ta*e" We%%, #y %atest test +as 2:" Di! this #ean thin)s
+ere acti(e a)ain< Di! it #ean that the brain t$#or,
+hich sho$%! stay stab%e &or t+o to three years, +as
)ro+in)< That #y i##$ne syste# +asnt ab%e to ho%!
thin)s stea!y< That I #i)ht ha(e to reconsi!er on)oin),
#onth%y che#othera'y< I(e on%y been ho#e t+o +ee*s,
I sai! to Li&e" Co#e on, )i(e #e a %itt%e #ore o& a brea*
than this9
=ort$nate%y ;en an! I reache! Dr" 6on8a%es in the
#ornin)" He sai! not to +orry at a%% abo$t the CEA" 0I
ha(e 'atients +ith CEAs o& BB0 an! :C00 +ho are !oin)
&ine" I !ont e(en be)in to be concerne! +ith it $nti%
aro$n! @00"0 He +arne! #e that on this en8y#e
'ro)ra# the %e(e%s #i)ht )o #$ch hi)her as cancer ce%%s
are bro*en !o+n an! re%ease the 'rotein the test
#eas$res" This is 0no bi) !ea%,0 he sai!" 0It can )o &ro#
C00 to :C00 in t+o +ee*s an! ortho!o1 !octors )et
&rea*y" T+enty/one in!icates so#e acti(ity b$t it is not
hi)h"0 3o$ can i#a)ine the +a(e o& re%ie& that &%oo!e!
thro$)h #e" I +as a%so re%ie(e! +hen he ass$re! #e
that the treat#ent +or*s in the brain since the en8y#es
!o 'ass thro$)h the b%oo! brain barrier" 4I(e recent%y
!isco(ere! that #ost o& #y 0reser(e0 treat#ents 2 t$#or
necrosis &actor, B$r8yns*is antineo'%astins, an! the
#onoc%ona% che#othera'y 2 !o not, a%as"5 Dr" 6on8a%es
so$n!e! so con&i!ent, I i##e!iate%y &e%t better" I ho'e
hes ri)ht, I ho'e this treat#ent +or*s" At %east no+ I &ee%
a %itt%e #ore sec$re abo$t it, +hich +i%% be i#'ortant
+hen +e #eet +ith #y #ore ortho!o1 onco%o)ist ne1t
+ee* to re(ie+ a%% the tests an! hear +hat he
reco##en!s ne1t"
The ortho!o1 reco##en!ation +as to i##e!iate%y )o on
contin$o$s che#othera'y, or, #ore !rastica%%y, to )o on
e1tre#e%y hi)h/!ose che#othera'y 2 so hi)h it +o$%! *i%%
the bone #arro+ 2 an! then !o a bone #arro+ trans'%ant
4an o(era%% 'roce!$re )enera%%y tho$)ht to be the sin)%e
#ost )r$e%in) treat#ent aro$n!5" We an1io$s%y a+aite! the
b%oo! ana%ysis &ro# 6on8a%es, that s'ecia% test that +o$%!
!eter#ine, accor!in) to 6on8a%es, i& the t$#ors +ere
)ro+in) or in &act !isso%(in)"
The en8y#es see# to be +or*in), hooray9 The &irst
)oo! ne+s +e(e ha! in a %on) ti#e" I sent in another
hair an! b%oo! sa#'%e a&ter a #onth on the 'ro)ra# an!
#y cancer score !ro''e! &ro# CB to CC 2 the bi))est
!ro' Dr" 6on8a%es has e(er seen in on%y one #onth on
the 'ro)ra#" I a%so starte! ta*in) anti/estro)ens at the
sa#e ti#e, so so#e o& the re!$ction #ay be !$e to
the# 4I s'o*e to one +o#an recent%y +ho sai! her %$n)
s'ots !isa''eare! co#'%ete%y +hen the on%y treat#ent
+as an oo'harecto#y Fre#o(a% o& the o(ariesG5" ;en an!
I +ere !e%i)hte! at the ne+s &ro# Dr" 6on8a%es9
My enth$sias# +as a %itt%e te#'ere! by a ne+
sy#'to# in #y ri)ht ar# +hich #ay co#e &ro# the
t$#or 'ressin) in a ne+ '%ace, b$t I re#e#ber the
(is$a%i8ation session +here I +as to%! not to +orry i&
stran)e sy#'to#s ca#e $', they #i)ht be !$e to the
t$#or chan)in) sha'e as its eaten a+ay" These inner
co##$nications contin$e to be 'ositi(e an! $'beat, the
&ee%in) that *ee's co#in) $' 2 e(en in the &ace o&
tro$b%in) sy#'to#s 2 is 0I# )oin) to be a%% ri)ht"0 This is
not 'ositi(e thin*in), theres no &ee%in) o& &orce or e(en
o& intention behin! these tho$)hts, the tho$)hts .$st
co#e o& their o+n accor!" Its reass$rin), e(en i& it
!oesnt accor! +ith ortho!o1 test res$%ts9
This entire sit$ation +as !ri(in) #e n$ts" Who ya )onna
be%ie(e< I too* the !o)s &or a +a%* that !ay, an! this is +hat
+ent thro$)h #y #in!-
I# a traine! bioche#ist, an! +hat 6on8a%es says abo$t
the ortho!o1 tests #a*es sense" When t$#ors !isso%(e they
!o re%ease the sa#e ty'es o& +aste 'ro!$cts as t$#or
)ro+th, the ortho!o1 tests cant easi%y !i&&erentiate the#"
E(en a traine! ra!io%o)ist cant a%+ays !i&&erentiate t$#or
)ro+th, hista#ine &%are/$', an! scar tiss$e"
B$t +hat i& hes .$st %ea!in) $s on< Tryin) to #a*e $s
&ee% )oo!< B$t +hy +o$%! he !o that< O$r ortho!o1
onco%o)ist thin*s its &or #oney, b$t this is ri!ic$%o$s"
6on8a%es char)es a &%at &ee $' &ront" Whether Treya %i(es or
!ies, hes a%rea!y been 'ai!9
Moreo(er, i& he is &ee!in) $s 0&ee%/)oo!0 ne+s an! it isnt
tr$e, he *no+s +e are )oin) to &in! o$t soon eno$)h an!
'ossib%y beco#e >$ite %e)a%%y nasty abo$t it" Treya e(en
as*e! hi#, as Treya +o$%!, 0What i& yo$ are +ron), an!
+hat i& +e !ec%ine ortho!o1 treat#ent base! on yo$r
reco##en!ation, an! then I !ie< Cant #y &a#i%y s$e the
!ay%i)hts o$t o& yo$<0 An! he sai!, 03es, they can" B$t the
reason this 'ro)ra# is sti%% o'eratin) in the Dnite! States is
that it has a (ery hi)h s$ccess rate" I& not, then both #e
an! the 'atients +o$%! be !ea!90
Moreo(er, 6on8a%es has his o+n re'$tation to thin* o&,
+hen his 'atients start &ai%in) on his 'ro)ra#, he
i##e!iate%y reco##en!s ortho!o1 reco$rse" He +ants
Treya to %i(e as #$ch as anybo!y" An! he is con&i!ent Treya
is not on%y not &ai%in), b$t ra'i!%y i#'ro(in)"
Either hes #ista*en abo$t the test, or hes %yin)" Hes
not %yin) 2 hes )ot too #$ch to %ose" Is he #ista*en abo$t
the test then< Why !oes he '$t so #$ch &aith in it< I *no+
hes +or*e! +ith the test in h$n!re!s o& cases, an! he #$st
ha(e &o$n!, e#'irica%%y, that the test has a (ery hi)h rate o&
acc$racy" Not :00Q, to be s$re, b$t eno$)h &or hi# to han)
his career on, at %east +hen co#bine! +ith the other tests
he $ses" I& the test !i!nt +or* +e%%, he +o$%! ha(e
!e&inite%y &o$n! o$t by no+, or at %east &o$n! o$t its rate o&
error, +hich he +o$%! then #ost !e&inite%y ta*e into acco$nt
+hen #a*in) reco##en!ations that he +i%% be he%!
#e!ica%%y an! %e)a%%y res'onsib%e &or" Nobo!y '$ts as #$ch
on the %ine as he is, $n%ess its base! on so#ethin) that yo$
ha(e +or*e! +ith %on) eno$)h an! +e%% eno$)h to be ab%e
to tr$st +ith )oo! reason" We co$%! +itho$t !o$bt han) hi#
i& hes +ron) an! he *no+s it9
An!, &ro# +hat +e can te%% &ro# o$tsi!e so$rces 2 his
&i%es are o'en to >$a%i&ie! researchers 2 abo$t @0Q o& his
'atients either )et better or stabi%i8e" An! in each case that
+e can !eter#ine, the b%oo! test ana%ysis #atches
acc$rate%y their stat$s"
An! that +as +hen I be)an to rea%i8e that this cra8y
'ro)ra# .$st #i)ht +or*"
Treya, +ho #a!e $' her o+n #in! on these iss$es
any+ay, a%so ha! the sa#e rea%i8ation" B$t neither o& $s
+o$%! %et o$rse%(es be%ie(e it at this 'oint" We contin$e! to
ass$#e she ha! %ess than a year, si#'%y beca$se to
ass$#e other+ise +o$%! set $s $' &or cr$e% !isa''oint#ent"
B$t #o#ents o& o'ti#is# starte! to cree' thro$)h" An! so
+e !eci!e! to s'en! a #onth in Treyas be%o(e! As'en,
+hich +as no+ on%y &o$r ho$rs a+ay by car"
A #onth in As'en999 I see it as a #onth to rest, a
#onth to en.oy %i&e, a #onth to not ha(e to ca%% !octors
or sche!$%e tests or research o'tions9 A #onths
(acation &ro# a%% this cancer st$&&, a #onth to hi*e, a
#onth to )o to concerts, a #onth to see &rien!s, a #onth
to be o$t!oors, a #onth to be +ith #y &a#i%y " " "
WHOO7EE9 I$st '$sh a%% this st$&& asi!e as #$ch as
'ossib%e, %et the research 'a'ers on t$#or necrotic
&actor an! #onoc%ona%s #o%!er on the she%&, an! si#'%y
en.oy %i&e9
At the %ast #o#ent be&ore o$r !e'art$re &or As'en
;en !isco(ere! a t+o/+ee* B$!!hist #e!itation retreat
in northern Cana!a that he &e%t stron)%y ca%%e! to !o" I
+as !e%i)hte! beca$se he sai! its the &irst thin) hes
e1cite! abo$t since the !ia)nosis o& #y rec$rrence in
Ian$ary" This +ho%e year has been incre!ib%y !i&&ic$%t &or
;en 2 not .$st the 'ress$re o& bein) #y #ain s$''ort
'erson b$t a%so the constant stress o& the 'ossibi%ity o&
#y !eath, o$r !isc$ssions o& the &$t$re, o$r re(ie+ o&
o$r +i%%s" So I +as o(er.oye! that he !isco(ere! this
retreat an! I(e s'ent this ti#e +ith #y 'arents an! #y
sister an! the '$''ies" Its been %o(e%y, a nice brea*
&ro# Bo$%!er +here I &e%t I +as be)innin) to %ose #y
ne(er/en!in) batt%e +ith !etai%s, !etai%s, !etai%s"
Wi%% the en8y#es +or*< Is 6on8a%es ri)ht, an! they
are< I !ont *no+" I ho'e so, b$t I(e ha! so #any #i1e!
&ee%in)s bein) here" It hasnt been a (acation, '$re an!
si#'%e" On #y !ri(e o(er I crie! at the sheer #a.estic
bea$ty o& In!e'en!ence 7ass an! the ne1t !ay +hen I
+ent to #y #e!itation cabin I crie! at the si#'%e bea$ty
o& the s$n shinin) thro$)h as'en %ea(es" Neither o& those
#o#ents +o$%! ha(e ha''ene! i& I ha!nt been a+are I
#i)ht not be aro$n! to see these thin)s ne1t year" A%%
this bea$ty #a*es #e so a''reciate %i&e that I .$st cant
he%' b$t +ant #ore an! #ore o& it9 Its har! not to c%in),
not to &ee% attache! +hen I# s$rro$n!e! by thin)s %i*e
the c%eansin) so$n! o& a crysta% c%ear strea# sha!e! by
ta%% cotton/+oo!s, +hen I hear the !istincti(e so&t &%$tter
o& a bree8e thro$)h a stan! o& >$a*in) as'en trees,
+hen I# #i)hti%y entertaine! by the bo$n!in)
)race&$%ness o& ;airos e1cite!%y chasin) critters thro$)h
the )reen $n!er)ro+th, +hen I %oo* $' at ni)ht an! )as'
at the $ne1'ecte! c%arity an! bri)htness o& #yria! stars
in a s*y that see#s s$!!en%y cro+!e!" 3es, I so#eti#es
&ee% #ery attache! to %i&e, es'ecia%%y in As'en"
In bein) here I a# constant%y re#in!e! not on%y o&
#y attach#ents b$t a%so o& #y ne+ %i#itations" Thats
har!" When I hear abo$t e1otic '%aces #y &rien!s ha(e
been, or +hen ;en ca%%s to te%% #e theres a retreat in
;ath#an!$ he +ants to ta*e #e to, I i##e!iate%y thin*
o& the )er#s, the !irty +ater, the &act that I cant ris*
)ettin) a si#'%e co%!- the troo's are a%rea!y &$%%y
en)a)e! +ith cancer, no s'are so%!iers a(ai%ab%e &or the
co##on co%!, #$ch %ess so#ethin) #ore e1otic an!
cha%%en)in) to the i##$ne syste#9 I# a&rai! #y tra(e%s
+i%% be %i#ite! &ro# no+ on" " " "
When I )o o$t, I nee! to !o a %ot o& '%annin) &or each
tri', each e1c$rsion, e(en &or each !ay" I ha(e to
re#e#ber the ins$%in, ti#e the en8y#es, be s$re I ha(e
a%% the 'i%%s an! +ater +ith #e, carry a s+eet snac* at a%%
ti#es in case #y b%oo! s$)ar )oes too %o+, carry e1tra
+ar# c%othes e(ery+here, etc", etc" The nee! &or a%% this
'%annin) ten!s to &ee! #y obsessi(e si!e" I &in! the stray
tho$)hts that !istract #e #ost in #e!itation )o
so#ethin) %i*e this- Di! I ta*e those ear%y #ornin)
en8y#es or not< " " " Lets see, i& I too* #y #ornin) 'i%%s
at t+e%(e then I ha(e to eat by one or at %east ha(e a
snac* by then beca$se o& the ins$%in" """ I& I !i!nt ta*e
those ear%y 'i%%s, ho+ can I s>$ee8e another !ose in
to!ay< " " " M$st re#e#ber to stoc* $' on ins$%in an! )et
a re&i%% on both ty'es o& anti/estro)en 'i%%s be&ore I )o to
As'en" " " " I(e )ot to )o by the hos'ita% &or co'ies o&
those tests to sen! to M" D" An!erson" " " " Maybe I%% try
chan)in) the ins$%in !ose toni)ht, #y &astin) s$)ars are
too hi)h " " " etc", etc", etc" Its a%% .$n*, #y '%annin) #in!
in(a!in) ti#e set asi!e &or other '$r'oses, #on*ey
#in!, #on*ey #in!" At ti#es I# irritate! by it, at ti#es
a#$se!, an! so#eti#es it e(en sh$ts $' &or a +hi%e9
The retreat I +ent on 2 the &irst ti#e in a%#ost three
years that Treya an! I ha! been a'art &or #ore than a &e+
!ays 2 +as a D8o)chen retreat" I ret$rne! to As'en an!
.oine! Treya there" We sti%% +o$%!nt %et o$rse%(es be%ie(e
the en8y#es +o$%! rea%%y +or*, an! Treya +on!ere! a%o$!
i& she +o$%! e(er see another s'rin), b$t her .oy an!
'assionate e>$ani#ity see#e! a%+ays to s$r&ace sooner or
%ater, an! I +as e(en )ettin) s%i)ht%y )i!!y +ith ha''y
tho$)hts"
Many +on!er&$% thin)s ha''ene! !$rin) #y ti#e in
As'en" One +as Iohn Den(ers +e!!in) to Cassan!ra 2
;en an! I both thin* shes +on!er&$% an! !e%i)ht in her
A$stra%ian accent" The +e!!in) too* '%ace on a hi)h
#ea!o+ in Star+oo! a%#ost co#'%ete%y s$rro$n!e! +ith
.a))e! #o$ntain 'ea*s !ra#atica%%y %it by the %ate
a&ternoon s$nshine"
Another +as ;ens ret$rn, re(ita%i8e! an! ins'ire!
a&ter his retreat in Cana!a" Be&ore ;en %e&t, he sai!, I#
not rea%%y s$re +hy I# !oin) this" This +as the &irst ti#e
I! e(er seen ;en .$st ta*e o&&" He sai! he !i!nt
$n!erstan! it hi#se%&" B$t the retreat, )i(en by 7e#a
Norb$ Rin'oche, t$rne! o$t to be the hi)hest
trans#ission in a%% o& B$!!his#, a (ery rare an! s'ecia%
e(ent" Its been )i(en in the West on%y t+ice, an! there
are on%y a &e+ teachers in the +or%! +ho can )i(e it" The
retreat itse%& so$n!e! )r$e%in)" ;en recei(e! o(er a
!o8en e#'o+er#ents, or s'irit$a% trans#issions, !$rin)
those t+o +ee*s" He +as (ery !i&&erent +hen he
ret$rne!, #ore at ease, #ore 'eace&$%"
An! other +on!er&$% ti#es" The ti#e s'ent +ith #y
&a#i%y .$st han)in) o$t an! a%%o+in) e(erythin) to be
!one &or #e" 3et another +as the ann$a% Win!star
=o$n!ation Sy#'osi$#, Choices III, +hich this year +as
he%! in the M$sic =esti(a% tent an! +as a +on!er&$%%y
ins'irationa%, .oy&$% e(ent"
On Sat$r!ay ni)ht To# Cr$#, co&o$n!er o& Win!star,
'$t to)ether a s'ecia% e(enin) on the 0State o& O$r
7%anet0 +hich c%ose! +ith a se)#ent on chan)in)
'ers'ecti(e 2 state#ents by abo$t si1 'eo'%e on ho+
chan)in) their 'ers'ecti(e he%'e! the# !ea% +ith
'ersona% cha%%en)es" Abo$t ho+ inner 'sycho%o)ica% or
s'irit$a% shi&ts ha! he%'e! +ith o$ter !i&&ic$%ties"
To##y ha! as*e! #e to be one o& these 'eo'%e an! I
i##e!iate%y *ne+ I ha! to !o it, #$ch as I +as $nner(e!
by the +ho%e sit$ation9 When I !ia%o)$e! +ith #y t$#ors
!$rin) (is$a%i8ation?acti(e i#a)ination sessions, the %$n)
t$#or to%! #e re'eate!%y that I nee! to s'ea* o$t,
es'ecia%%y abo$t this cancer e1'erience" The other (oice
that s'ea*s thro$)h that t$#or is >$ite terri&ie! abo$t
!oin) this an! says it nee!s to be con(ince! thro$)h
e1'erience, thro$)h #y ta*in) action, that s'ea*in) o$t
is not as terri&yin) as it i#a)ines" So, I acce'te! the
cha%%en)e i##e!iate%y i& a%so so#e+hat &ear&$%%y"
O$r ta%*s +ere %i#ite! to three or &o$r #in$tes" I )a(e
#ine an! )ot a stan!in) o(ation9 A&ter #y ta%*, Iohn
FDen(erG san) 0I Want to Li(e,0 a bea$ti&$% son), an!
+hen he +as !one he sai!, 0That +as &or yo$"0 It +as a
+on!er&$%, +on!er&$% ti#e9
Later +e ha! !inner +ith Iohn an! Cassan!ra" ;en
an! Iohn see# to rea%%y en.oy each other" When +e )ot
bac* to Bo$%!er, Cassie ca#e an! ha! %$nch +ith $s on
o$r ba%cony, an! she bro*e the ne+s- shes 're)nant9 I
&e%t a %itt%e sa! beca$se thats o$t o& the >$estion &or #e,
b$t I +as so ha''y &or Cassie an! Iohn9 Ah, %i&e )oes
on""""
Bac* in Bo$%!er, +e sent in another b%oo! sa#'%e &or
6on8a%es &or yet another ana%ysis" The res$%ts ca#e bac*
an!, o& a%% thin)s, her score ha! !ro''e! another &i(e
'oints9 6on8a%es hi#se%& co$%!nt be%ie(e it, an! ha! the %ab
r$n it a)ain" Sa#e res$%ts" He attrib$te! it to the 0stea!y
8ea%0 4'assionate e>$ani#ity95 +ith +hich Treya '$rs$e!
the 'ro)ra#" In!ee!, he be)an #entionin) Treya to his
other 'atients as an e1a#'%e o& ho+ to !o it ri)ht" We
be)an )ettin) 'hone ca%%s &ro# 'eo'%e on the 'ro)ra#, an!
+e +ere )%a! to )i(e a!(ice +here +e co$%!"
An! ho+ are the en8y#es +or*in), yo$ #ay be
+on!erin)< We%%, accor!in) to Dr" 6on8a%ess 0&$nny %itt%e
test0 4thats +hat he ca%%s it5, (ery, (ery +e%%" =ro# a
be)innin) 'oint o& CB 4he $s$a%%y !oesnt ta*e 'atients
+ith scores o(er H05, I# !o+n to 2B in a #ere t+o an! a
ha%& #onths9
I# not )oin) to )et #y ho'es $', ho+e(er" Wor*
har! +itho$t attach#ent to res$%ts9, thats #y #otto"
B$t it is +on!er&$% to a%%o+ #yse%&, e(ery no+ an! then,
to thin* I #i)ht )ro+ o%!, or at %east a %itt%e o%!er, +ith
;en, +ith #y +on!er&$% &a#i%y an! &rien!s" I #i)ht e(en
o$t%i(e the Iee's +arranty9
Treyas &a#i%y ca#e to (isit $s, an! as they +ere
%ea(in), I sa+ the# to the !oor, an! ye%%e! a&ter the#- 03o$
*no+, I .$st thin* she #i)ht #a*e it9 I rea%%y !o90
, po!e my head into the room3 5Treya65
5Ken6=
5Treya= 0esus (hrist, %here ha#e you been6 ,'#e been
loo!ing e#ery%here for you= Where ha#e you been65
5Here35 She loo!s at me tenderly3 5*re you .K65
57eah, sure35 We !iss, hug, clasp hands3
5, see you brought him35
5Huh6 .h, more li!e he brought me35
5/o% listen #ery carefully,5 the "igure says3
27
A Su,,ort Person
As THE ENL3ME 7RO6RAM contin$e! to ha(e its e&&ect,
the batt%e o& the inter'retations reache! &e(ere! 'itch" On
the 6on8a%es si!e- So#e+here be)innin) aro$n! the thir!
#onth o& the 'ro)ra#, the 'atient +i%% start to &ee%
'artic$%ar%y e1ha$ste!, #any &ee% %i*e they are !yin), +e
+ere to%!, at the %east, 03o$%% &ee% %i*e yo$ +ere hit by a
tr$c*"0 This is beca$se the en8y#es are startin) to brea*
!o+n tiss$es, inc%$!in) t$#ors, an! the to1ic +aste
'ro!$cts are acc$#$%atin) in the syste# 2 hence the co&&ee
ene#as, the E'so# sa%t baths, an! other #eas$res
!esi)ne! to he%' ri! the bo!y o& to1ic b$i%!$'" T$#or
#ar*ers +i%% sho+ +hat a''ears to be !ra#atic increase in
t$#or acti(ity" An! CAT scans +i%% sho+ a%% t$#ors to be
'ro'ortionate%y %ar)er"
Thats +hat is supposed to ha''en i& the 'ro)ra# is
+or*in), (irt$a%%y e(erybo!y on the ;e%%ey ro$tine +ho )ets
better )oes thro$)h that &irst" An! in!ee!, a%% o& those
thin)s +ere ha''enin) to Treya" On the basis o& those
in!icators, an! the s'ecia% b%oo! ana%ysis, 6on8a%es no+
)a(e Treya a @0Q chance o& t$rnin) it aro$n! 2 either
stabi%i8in) or act$a%%y )oin) into re#ission"
The ortho!o1 onco%o)ists )a(e her t+o to &o$r #onths to
%i(e"
It +as an $tter%y i#'ossib%e sit$ation" As ti#e +ore on,
an! the test res$%ts beca#e #ore an! #ore !ra#atic, the
t+o inter'retations re#aine! !ia#etrica%%y o''ose!" I &o$n!
that 'sycho%o)ica%%y I si#'%y s'%it into t+o se)#ents" One
be%ie(e! 6on8a%es, one be%ie(e! the onco%o)ists" I co$%! &in!
no co#'%ete%y con(incin) e(i!ence that either si!e +as
!e&inite%y ri)ht or !e&inite%y +ron)" Neither co$%! Treya"
It +as a T+i%i)ht Lone at#os'here- in a co$'%e o&
#onths, yo$ are either )oin) to be +e%% on yo$r +ay to
reco(ery, or yo$ are )oin) to be !ea!"
The en8y#es #a!e Treya &ee% e1ha$ste!, b$t a'art &ro#
that she &e%t >$ite )oo!" She %oo*e! >$ite )oo!, >$ite
bea$ti&$%, act$a%%y" She ha! no #a.or sy#'to#s 2 no co$)h,
no hea!aches, no e1tra (is$a% 'rob%e#s"
The sit$ation +as so 're'ostero$s that Treya o&ten &o$n!
it h$#oro$s"
What a# I s$''ose! to !o< 7$%% #y hair o$t< Dont
ha(e any" The &act is, #y .oy in %i&e is there, an! there
are #o#ents +hen I &ee% 'ractica%%y ecstatic .$st sittin)
on the !ec* an! %oo*in) at the (ie+ o$t the bac* o& o$r
ho$se an! +atchin) the '$''ies '%ay" I &ee% so b%esse! in
this #o#ent" Each breath is so incre!ib%e, so .oy&$%, so
!ear" What a# I #issin)< What co$%! be +ron)<
An! so Treya si#'%y #arche! strai)ht ahea!" Li*e a
ti)htro'e +a%*er, she too* it one ste' at a ti#e an! re&$se!
to %oo* !o+n" I trie! to &o%%o+, b$t I# a&rai! I %oo*e! !o+n a
%ot"
The &irst thin) she !i! +as )i(e her ta%* at Win!star,
+hich +as (ote! the hi)h 'oint o& the entire sy#'osi$#"
We (i!eota'e! it an! +atche! it se(era% ti#es" What str$c*
#e #ost abo$t this ta%* +as that it see#e! to s$##ari8e
a%#ost e(erythin) Treya ha! %earne! in her &i(e/year batt%e
+ith cancer, an! #ana)e! to !o so in $n!er &o$r #in$tes" It
s$##ari8e! her s'irit$a% (ie+s, her #e!itation 'ractice,
ton)%en, e(erythin), b$t +itho$t once re&errin) to
0#e!itation0 or 0ton)%en0 or 06o!0 or 0B$!!ha"0 When
Treya an! I +atche! the (i!eo, +e both notice! that at the
'oint that she says, 0My !octors ha(e )i(en #e t+o to &o$r
years to %i(e,0 her eyes )o b%an*" She +as %yin)" Her !octors
ha! .$st )i(en her t+o to &o$r months to %i(e" She !i!nt
+ant to &ri)hten her &a#i%y or &rien!s, so she !eci!e! to
*ee' that in&or#ation bet+een $s"
I #yse%& +as a#a8e! that she co$%! )i(e the ta%* at a%%"
She ha! &orty %$n) t$#ors, &o$r brain t$#ors, %i(er
#etastases, a CAT scan ha! .$st in!icate! that her #ain
brain t$#or ha! )ro+n C0Q 4it +as no+ the si8e o& a %ar)e
'%$#5, an! her 'ri#ary !octor ha! .$st to%! her she +o$%!
be %$c*y to %i(e &o$r #onths"
The other thin) that str$c* #e #ost abo$t this ta%* +as
ho+ abso%$te%y (ita% an! (ibrant Treya +as" She %it $' the
sta)e, an! e(erybo!y there co$%! &ee% it, see it" An! thro$)h
it a%% I *e't thin*in)- This is +hat I ha(e %o(e! the #ost
abo$t her &ro# the &irst !ay I sa+ her- this +o#an says
LI=E, says it +ith her +ho%e bein), e1$!es it in a%% !irections"
That is e1act%y the ener)y that 'eo'%e &in! so attracti(e
abo$t her, that #a*es 'eo'%e %i)ht $' in her 'resence,
#a*es the# +ant to be aro$n! her, %oo* at her, ta%* to her,
be +ith her"
When she ste''e! o$t on that sy#'osi$# sta)e, the
entire a$!ience %it $', an! I *e't thin*in), 6o!, this is
(inta)e Treya"
He%%o" My na#e is Treya ;i%%a# Wi%ber" A %ot o& yo$
here ha(e *no+n #e as 0Terry"0 I(e been in(o%(e! +ith
Win!star &ro# the ear%y !ays"
=i(e years a)o in this sa#e #onth, in A$)$st o& BC, I
#et an! &e%% tota%%y in %o(e +ith ;en Wi%ber" I a%+ays
ca%%e! it, %o(e at &irst to$ch" We +ere #arrie! &o$r
#onths %ater an! then, ten !ays a&ter o$r +e!!in), I +as
!ia)nose! +ith sta)e t+o breast cancer" We s'ent o$r
honey#oon in the hos'ita%"
In the &i(e years since, I(e ha! t+o %oca% rec$rrences
an! #any ty'es o& treat#ent, both con(entiona% an!
a%ternati(e" B$t in Ian$ary o& this year +e !isco(ere! the
cancer ha! s'rea! to #y brain an! #y %$n)s" The
!octors +e cons$%te! ha(e )i(en #e t+o to &o$r years to
%i(e"
So +hen To##y as*e! #e to s'ea* at this e(ent, #y
&irst tho$)ht +as, b$t I# sti%% sic*" The others +ho are
s'ea*in) toni)ht ha(e in so#e +ay o(erco#e obstac%es
or &or)e! so#ethin) concrete &ro# the cha%%en)es in
their %i(es 2 as yo$%% hear &ro# Mitche%%, a !ear &rien! I(e
en.oye! an! a!#ire! &or &i&teen years"
O;, I tho$)ht, I# sti%% sic*" 7erha's I can %oo* at +hat
I(e !one +ith #y %i&e since the !ia)nosis"
I(e co$nse%e! h$n!re!s o& 'eo'%e +ith cancer, o(er
the 'hone an! in 'erson" I co&o$n!e! the Cancer
S$''ort Co##$nity in San =rancisco, +hich 'ro(i!es a
+i!e ran)e o& &ree ser(ices an! co##$nity &or h$n!re!s
o& 'eo'%e each +ee*" I(e +ritten as honest%y as I can
abo$t #y e1'eriences an! inner e1'%orations in a +ay
that #any say they ha(e &o$n! he%'&$%, an! I '%an to
'$b%ish a boo* soon"
B$t +hen I &inishe! this %ist o& !oin), I s$!!en%y
rea%i8e! I! &a%%en into an o%! &a#i%iar tra'" I +as e>$atin)
s$ccess +ith achie(in) 'hysica% hea%th a)ainst a%% o!!s,
or +ith concrete acco#'%ish#ents in the o$ter +or%!" I
&ee% instea! that the shi&t in 'ers'ecti(e that +ere here
to ce%ebrate toni)ht, the choice o& hi)her )ro$n!, is an
inner chan)e, an inner choice, an inner shi&t in ones
bein)" Its easy to ta%* abo$t an! ac*no+%e!)e !oin) in
the +or%!, b$t I# #ore e1cite! by #y interna% chan)es,
#y sense o& increasin) hea%th on hi)her %e(e%s than the
'hysica%, by the s'irit$a% +or* I !o each !ay"
When I ne)%ect this inner +or* I &in! that #y %i&e/
threatenin) sit$ation >$ic*%y beco#es &ri)htenin) or
!e'ressin) or e(en at ti#es, si#'%y borin)" With the
inner +or* 2 an! I# >$ite ec%ectic, I !ra+ on #any
tra!itions an! !isci'%ines 2 I &ee% contin$a%%y cha%%en)e!
an! e1cite!, an! !ee'%y en)a)e! in %i&e" I &in! that the
e#otiona% ro%%er coaster o& a!(ance! cancer beco#es a
+on!er&$% o''ort$nity to 'ractice e>$ani#ity at the
sa#e ti#e that #y 'assion &or %i&e increases"
Learnin) to #a*e &rien!s +ith cancer, %earnin) to
#a*e &rien!s +ith the 'ossibi%ity o& an ear%y an! 'erha's
'ain&$% !eath, has ta$)ht #e a )reat !ea% abo$t #a*in)
&rien!s +ith #yse%&, as I a#, an! a )reat !ea% abo$t
#a*in) &rien!s +ith %i&e, as it is"
I *no+ that there are a %ot o& thin)s I cant chan)e" I
cant &orce %i&e to #a*e sense, or to be &air" This )ro+in)
acce'tance o& %i&e as it is, +ith a%% the sorro+, the 'ain,
the s$&&erin), an! the tra)e!y, has bro$)ht #e a *in! o&
'eace" I &in! that I &ee% e(er #ore connecte! +ith a%%
bein)s +ho s$&&er, in a rea%%y )en$ine +ay" I &in! a #ore
o'en sense o& co#'assion" An! I &in! an e(er stea!ier
!esire to he%', in +hate(er +ay I can"
Theres an o%! sayin) 2 its 'o'$%ar a#on) 'eo'%e
+ith cancer 2 that )oes- 0Li&e is terminal"0 In a +ay I &ee%
%$c*y" I a%+ays notice +hat a)e 'eo'%e are +hen they
!ie" I a%+ays notice ne+s'a'er artic%es abo$t yo$n)
'eo'%e *i%%e! in acci!ents, in &act, I $se! to c$t these o$t
as a re#in!er" I# %$c*y beca$se I(e been )i(en
a!(ance +arnin) an! the ti#e to act on that +arnin)"
=or this I# than*&$%"
Beca$se I can no %on)er i)nore !eath, I 'ay #ore
attention to %i&e"
There +ere h$n!re!s o& 'eo'%e in the a$!ience, an! as
they )a(e her a stan!in) o(ation, I %oo*e! aro$n!" 7eo'%e
+ere o'en%y sobbin) an! tryin) to cheer at the sa#e ti#e"
The ca#era#an !ro''e! the (i!eo" I& on%y 'eo'%e co$%!
!onate %i&e &orce, I tho$)ht" We! a%% )i(e her eno$)h &or
cent$ries"
It +as !$rin) this 'erio! that I &ina%%y !eci!e! to +rite #y
o+n %etter, a %etter to co#'%e#ent the #any that Treya +as
sen!in) o$t, a %etter on the tria%s an! trib$%ations o& bein) a
s$''ort 'erson" Here is a con!ense! (ersion-
I$%y 2@, :EBB
Bo$%!er
Dear &rien!s,
""" As &ar as s$''ort 'eo'%e )o, a 'artic$%ar%y insi!io$s
'rob%e# be)ins to set in a&ter abo$t t+o or three #onths o&
care)i(in)" It is, a&ter a%%, co#'arati(e%y easy to !ea% +ith
the o$ter an! 'hysica% an! ob(io$s as'ects o& care)i(in)"
3o$ rearran)e yo$r +or* sche!$%e, yo$ )et $se! to coo*in)
or +ashin) or ho$sec%eanin) or +hate(er it is that yo$ as
s$''ort 'erson ha(e to !o to 'hysica%%y ta*e care o& the
%o(e! one- yo$ ta*e the# to the !octors o&&ice, yo$ he%'
+ith #e!ication, an! so on" This can be &air%y !i&&ic$%t, b$t
the so%$tions are a%so &air%y ob(io$s 2 yo$ either !o the
e1tra +or* or arran)e &or so#eone e%se to !o it"
What is #ore !i&&ic$%t &or the s$''ort 'erson, ho+e(er,
an! #ore insi!io$s, is the inner t$r#oi% that starts to b$i%!
on the e#otiona% an! 'sycho%o)ica% %e(e%s" This t$r#oi% has
t+o si!es, one 'ri(ate an! one '$b%ic" On the 'ri(ate si!e,
yo$ start to rea%i8e that, no #atter ho+ #any 'rob%e#s yo$
'ersona%%y #i)ht ha(e, they a%% 'a%e in co#'arison to the
%o(e! one +ho has cancer or so#e other %i&e/threatenin)
!isease" So &or +ee*s an! #onths yo$ si#'%y sto' ta%*in)
abo$t yo$r 'rob%e#s" 3o$ sit on the#" 3o$ !ont +ant to
$'set the %o(e! one, yo$ !ont +ant to #a*e it +orse &or
the#, an! besi!es, in yo$r o+n #in! yo$ *ee' sayin),
0We%%, at %east I !ont ha(e cancer, #y o+n 'rob%e#s cant
be so ba!"0
A&ter a &e+ #onths or so o& this 4I# s$re it (aries &ro#
'erson to 'erson5, it s%o+%y starts to !a+n on the s$''ort
'erson- the &act that yo$r 'rob%e#s 'a%e in co#'arison to,
say, cancer, !oesnt #a*e yo$r 'rob%e#s )o a+ay" In &act,
they )et +orse, beca$se no+ yo$ ha(e t%o 'rob%e#s- the
ori)ina% 'rob%e# '%$s the &act that yo$ cant (oice the
ori)ina% 'rob%e# an! th$s &in! a so%$tion &or it" The
'rob%e#s #a)ni&y, yo$ c%a#' the %i! !o+n har!er, they
'$sh bac* +ith rene+e! stren)th" 3o$ start )ettin) s%i)ht%y
+eir!" I& yo$re intro(erte!, yo$ start )ettin) %itt%e t+itches,
yo$ )et shortness o& breath, an1ieties start cree'in) $',
yo$ %a$)h too %o$!, yo$ ha(e an e1tra beer" I& yo$re
e1tro(erte!, yo$ start e1'%o!in) at co#'%ete%y
ina''ro'riate #o#ents, yo$ thro+ te#'er tantr$#s, yo$
stor# o$t o& the roo#, yo$ thro+ thin)s, yo$ ha(e an e1tra
beer" I& yo$re intro(erte!, there are ti#es yo$ +ant to !ie,
i& e1tro(erte!, ti#es yo$ +ant the %o(e! one to !ie" I& yo$re
intro(erte!, there are ti#es yo$ +ant to *i%% yo$rse%&, i&
e1tro(erte!, ti#es yo$ +ant to *i%% the#" In any e(ent,
!eath han)s in the air, an! an)er, resent#ent, an!
bitterness ine1orab%y cree' $', a%on) +ith terrib%e )$i%t
abo$t ha(in) any o& those !ar* &ee%in)s"
Those &ee%in)s, o& co$rse, are co#'%ete%y nat$ra% an!
nor#a% )i(en the circ$#stances" In &act, I +o$%! +orry
consi!erab%y abo$t a s$''ort 'erson +ho !i!nt 'erio!ica%%y
ha(e s$ch &ee%in)s" An! the best +ay to han!%e these
&ee%in)s is to ta%* abo$t the#" I cant e#'hasi8e this too
stron)%y 2 the on%y so%$tion is to ta%*"
An! here the s$''ort 'erson r$ns into the secon! o& the
e#otiona%/'sycho%o)ica% !i&&ic$%ties that I #entione!- the
'$b%ic as'ect" Once yo$ !eci!e yo$ ha(e to ta%*, the
'rob%e# is- to +ho#< The %o(e! one is 'robab%y not the
best 'erson to !isc$ss so#e o& yo$r 'rob%e#s +ith, si#'%y
beca$se they o&ten are yo$r 'rob%e# 2 they are '$ttin) a
hea(y %oa! on yo$, b$t ne(erthe%ess yo$ !ont +ant the# to
&ee% )$i%ty abo$t this, yo$ !ont +ant to !$#' on the#, no
#atter ho+ an)ry yo$ #i)ht be +ith the# 0&or )ettin) sic*"0
By &ar the best '%ace to ta%* abo$t a%% this is in a s$''ort
)ro$' o& 'eo'%e +ho are )oin) thro$)h si#i%ar
circ$#stances, i"e", a s$''ort )ro$' &or s$''ort 'ersons"
A%so, an in!i(i!$a% thera'ist #i)ht 'ro(e (ery (a%$ab%e, as
#i)ht co$'%es thera'y" B$t I%% ta%* abo$t these
0'ro&essiona% s$''orts0 in a #o#ent" Beca$se the a(era)e
'erson, #yse%& inc%$!e!, !oesnt ten! to ta*e a!(anta)e o&
these a)encies $nti% rather %ate in the ba%%)a#e, by +hich
ti#e #$ch !a#a)e has been !one an! #$ch nee!%ess h$rt
s$&&ere!" =or the a(era)e 'erson !oes the nor#a% an!
$n!erstan!ab%e thin)- he or she ta%*s to &a#i%y, to &rien!s,
an!?or to associates" An! here the 'erson r$ns s#ac* into
the '$b%ic 'rob%e#"
The '$b%ic 'rob%e# is this, as Aic*y We%%s '$ts it-
0Nobo!y is intereste! in chronic"0 Heres +hat she #eans" I
co#e to yo$ +ith a 'rob%e#, I +ant to ta%*, I +ant so#e
a!(ice, I +ant so#e conso%ation" We ta%*, yo$ are (ery
he%'&$% an! *in! an! $n!erstan!in)" I &ee% better, yo$ &ee%
$se&$%" B$t the ne1t !ay, #y %o(e! one sti%% has cancer, the
sit$ation is not &$n!a#enta%%y better at a%%, in &act, it #i)ht
be +orse" I !ont &ee% )oo! at a%%" I r$n into yo$" 3o$ as* ho+
I# !oin)" I& I te%% the tr$th, I say I &ee% a+&$%" So +e ta%*" 3o$
are a)ain (ery he%'&$% an! *in! an! $n!erstan!in), an! I
&ee% better """ $nti% the ne1t !ay, +hen she sti%% has cancer
an! nothin) is rea%%y better" Day in an! !ay o$t, nothin)
rea%%y can be !one abo$t the sit$ation itse%& 4the !octors are
!oin) e(erythin) 'ossib%e, an! she sti%% #i)ht !ie5" So !ay in
an! !ay o$t, yo$ &ee% 'retty rotten, the sit$ation .$st
!oesnt chan)e" An! sooner or %ater yo$ &in! o$t that a%#ost
e(erybo!y not act$a%%y &ace! +ith this 'rob%e# on a !ay/
to!ay basis starts to &in! it borin) or annoyin) i& yo$ *ee'
ta%*in) abo$t it" A%% b$t yo$r #ost co##itte! &rien!s start
s$bt%y a(oi!in) yo$, beca$se cancer al%ays han)s o(er the
hori8on as a !ar* c%o$!, rea!y to rain on any 'ara!e" 3o$
beco#e a *in! o& chronic +hine, an! nobo!y +ants to hear
it, 'eo'%e )et tire! o& hearin) the sa#e o%! 'rob%e#"
0Nobo!y is intereste! in chronic"0 " " "
So s$''ort 'eo'%e e(ent$a%%y be)in to &in! that their
'ri(ate 'rob%e#s are #$%ti'%yin), an! the '$b%ic so%$tion
.$st !oesnt +or* (ery +e%%" They be)in to &ee% co#'%ete%y
a%one an! iso%ate!" At this 'oint, one o& se(era% thin)s ten!s
to ha''en" They +a%* o$t, they brea* !o+n, they )et into
s$bstance ab$se, or they see* 'ro&essiona% he%'" " " "
As I sai!, by an! &ar the best '%ace to ta%* o$t yo$r
!i&&ic$%ties is in a s$''ort )ro$' &or care)i(ers" When yo$
%isten to these )ro$'s, yo$ &in! o$t that the #ain acti(ity is
basica%%y bitchin) abo$t the %o(e! ones" 3o$ *no+ 2 0Who
!oes he thin* he is to or!er #e aro$n! %i*e that<0 0What
#a*es her thin* shes so s'ecia%, .$st beca$se shes sic*, I
)ot 'rob%e#s o& #ine o+n ya *no+"0 0I &ee% %i*e I(e tota%%y
%ost contro% o& #y %i&e"0 0I ho'e the bastar! h$rries $' an!
!ies"0 That *in! o& thin), thin)s nice 'eo'%e !ont say in
'$b%ic, an! certain%y !ont te%% the %o(e! one"
The thin) is, $n!er a%% these !ar* &ee%in)s an! an)er an!
resent#ent is a%#ost a%+ays a )reat !ea% o& %o(e, or e%se
the s$''ort 'erson +o$%! si#'%y ha(e +a%*e! o$t %on) a)o"
B$t this %o(e cant rea%%y s$r&ace &ree%y as %on) as an)er an!
resent#ent an! bitterness c%o) the ro$te" As 6ibran sai!,
0Hate is %o(e star(e!"0 There is a %ot o& hatre! e1'resse! in
s$''ort )ro$'s, b$t on%y beca$se there is so #$ch %o(e
$n!er it, star(e! %o(e" I& not, yo$ +o$%!nt hate the 'erson,
yo$ .$st +o$%!nt care at a%%" My e1'erience +ith #ost
s$''ort 'eo'%e 4#yse%& inc%$!e!5 is not that they arent
recei#ing eno$)h %o(e, b$t they are &in!in) it har! to
re#e#ber ho+ to gi#e %o(e, ho+ to be %o(in) $n!er the
!i&&ic$%t circ$#stances o& bein) a care)i(er" An! since, in
#y e1'erience, it is 'ri#ari%y )i(in) %o(e that is hea%in),
s$''ort 'eo'%e rea%%y nee! to c%ear o$t the obstac%es to
%o(es 'resence 2 the an)er, resent#ent, hatre!, bitterness,
e(en en(y an! .ea%o$sy 4I en(y her ha(in) so#eone to ta*e
care o& her a%% the ti#e, na#e%y #e5"
=or this a s$''ort )ro$' is in(a%$ab%e" " " " =ai%in) that, or
'erha's in a!!ition to that, I +o$%! reco##en! in!i(i!$a%
'sychothera'y, !e&inite%y &or the s$''ort 'erson, b$t a%so
&or the %o(e! one as +e%%" =or yo$ soon %earn that there are
so#e thin)s that si#'%y sho$%! not be !isc$sse! +ith the
%o(e! one, an! con(erse%y, there are so#e thin)s the %o(e!
one o$)ht not !isc$ss +ith yo$" I thin* #ost o& #y
)eneration be%ie(es that 0honesty is the best 'o%icy0 an!
that s'o$ses sho$%! !isc$ss e(ery sin)%e thin) that bothers
the# +ith the other s'o$se" Ba! '%an" O'enness is
i#'ortant an! he%'&$%, b$t on%y so &ar" At so#e 'oint,
o'enness can beco#e a +ea'on, a s'ite&$% +ay to h$rt
so#eone 2 0B$t I +as on%y te%%in) the tr$th"0 I ha(e ha!
#$ch an)er an! resent#ent at the sit$ation that Treyas
cancer has '$t $s both in, b$t beyon! a 'oint, it !oes no
)oo! &or #e to constant%y !$#' this on Treya" She hates
the sit$ation as #$ch as I, in any e(ent its not her &a$%t"
B$t sti%% I a# an)ry an! hate&$% an! resent&$%" So yo$ !ont
0share0 that +ith yo$r %o(e! one, yo$ !ont !$#' that on
the#" 3o$ 'ay a thera'ist, an! yo$ !$#' the he%% a%% o(er
them"
This has the a!!e! a!(anta)e o& )i(in) the both o& yo$
roo# to be to)ether +itho$t $ne1'resse! resent#ent an!
an)er on the care)i(ers 'art an! +itho$t )$i%t an! sha#e
on the %o(e! ones 'art" 3o$(e a%rea!y o&&/%oa!e! #$ch o&
that in the )ro$' or +ith the thera'ist" It a%so a%%o+s yo$ to
%earn the )ent%e art o& te%%in) co#'assionate %ies, instea! o&
narcissistica%%y b%$rtin) o$t +hat yo$ 0rea%%y &ee%0 no #atter
ho+ #$ch it #i)ht h$rt the other 'erson" Not bi) %ies, .$st
%itt%e !i'%o#atic ones, ones that !ont )%oss o(er any rea%%y
i#'ortant !i&&ic$%ties, b$t at the sa#e ti#e !ont stir $' a
hornets nest o& $nreso%(e! iss$es .$st &or the sa*e o& so/
ca%%e! honesty" On so#e !ays yo$ #i)ht be &ee%in)
'artic$%ar%y tire! o& bein) a care)i(er, an! yo$r %o(e! one
as*s 0Ho+ are yo$ !oin) to!ay<0 0I &ee% %i*e he%% an! #y %i&e
isnt #ine any#ore an! +hy !ont yo$ .$#' o&& the bri!)e"0
Ba! ans+er" Tr$th&$%, b$t rea% ba! ans+er" Try instea!- 0I#
tire! to!ay, honey, b$t I# han)in) in there"0 Then hit the
s$''ort )ro$' or thera'ist an! %et the# ha(e it" Abso%$te%y
nothin) is )aine! by !$#'in) on the %o(e! one, no #atter
ho+ 0honest0 it #i)ht be" " " "
3o$ see, one o& the stran)est thin)s I ha(e %earne! abo$t
bein) a )oo!/eno$)h s$''ort 'erson is that yo$r 'ri#ary
.ob is bein) an e#otiona% s'on)e" That is, #ost 'eo'%e thin*
that yo$r .ob is to )i(e a!(ice, to he%' the %o(e! ones so%(e
'rob%e#s, to be $se&$%, to )i(e he%', to #a*e !inner an!
!ri(e the# aro$n! an! so on" B$t a%% o& those tas*s ta*e a
bac*seat to the 'ri#ary ro%e o& the care)i(er, +hich is to be
an e#otiona% s'on)e" The %o(e! one &acin) a 'ossib%y %etha%
!isease is )oin) to e1'erience an o(er+he%#in) n$#ber o&
e1tre#e%y 'o+er&$% e#otions, on occasion, they are )oin)
to be co#'%ete%y o(er+he%#e! by those e#otions, by &ear
an! terror an! an)er an! hysteria an! 'ain" An! yo$r .ob is
to ho%! the %o(e! one, be +ith the %o(e! one, an! si#'%y
absorb as #any o& those e#otions as yo$ can" 3o$ !ont
ha(e to ta%*, yo$ !ont ha(e to say anythin) 4theres rea%%y
nothin) to say that +i%% he%'5, yo$ !ont ha(e to )i(e any
a!(ice 4+ont he%' #$ch any+ay5, an! yo$ !ont ha(e to !o
anythin)" 3o$ .$st ha(e to be there, an! breathe in their
'ain, or &ear, or h$rt" 3o$ act %i*e a s'on)e"
When Treya +as &irst i%%, I tho$)ht I co$%! #a*e thin)s a%%
better by bein) in char)e, by sayin) the ri)ht thin)s, by
he%'in) choose #e!ica% treat#ents, an! so on" Those +ere
a%% he%'&$%, b$t besi!e the 'oint" She +o$%! )et so#e
'artic$%ar%y ba! ne+s 2 say a ne+ #etastasis 2 an! she
+o$%! be)in cryin), an! I +o$%! i##e!iate%y start in +ith
thin)s %i*e, 0Loo*, its not certain yet, +e nee! #ore tests,
theres no e(i!ence that this +i%% chan)e yo$r treat#ents
any+ay,0 an! so on" That +as not +hat Treya nee!e!" What
she nee!e! +as si#'%y &or #e to cry +ith her, an! so I !i!,
to &ee% her &ee%in)s, an! th$s to he%' !issi'ate the#, or soa*
the# $'" I be%ie(e this occ$rs on a bo!i%y %e(e%, ta%* is not
nee!e!, tho$)h yo$ can ta%* i& yo$ +ant to"
Be that as it #ay, ones initia% res'onse, +hen a %o(e!
one is &ace! +ith terrib%e ne+s, is to try to #a*e that 'erson
&ee% better" An! I a# sayin) that is the +ron) res'onse, by
an! %ar)e" =irst, yo$ e#'athi8e" The cr$cia% 'oint, as I
be)an to see it, is si#'%y to be 'resent +ith the 'erson, an!
not be a&rai! o& their &ear, or their 'ain, or their an)er, to
.$st %et +hate(er co#es $' co#e $', an! #ost o& a%%, to not
try to )et ri! o& these 'ain&$% &ee%in)s by tryin) to he%' the
'erson, by tryin) to #a*e the 'erson 0&ee% better0 or 0ta%*
the# o$t0 o& their +orries" In #y case, this 0he%'in)0
attit$!e on%y ha''ene! +hen I !i!nt +ant to !ea% +ith
Treyas &ee%in)s or +ith #ine, I !i!nt +ant to re%ate to the#
in a si#'%e an! !irect an! $nco#'%icate! +ay, I +ante!
the# to )o a+ay" I !i! not +ant to be a s'on)e, I +ante! to
be AN ACHIEAER, an! #a*e the sit$ation a%% better" I !i! not
+ant to ac*no+%e!)e #y he%'%essness in the &ace o& the
$n*no+n" I +as as a&rai! as Treya"
I$st bein) a s'on)e, yo$ see, ten!s to #a*e yo$ &ee%
he%'%ess an! $se%ess, beca$se yo$ arent doing so#ethin),
yo$re .$st bein) there, !oin) nothin) 4or so it see#s5" An!
this is +hat so #any 'eo'%e &in! so !i&&ic$%t to %earn" I *no+
I !i!" It too* #e a%#ost a year to sto' tryin) to &i1 thin)s or
#a*e the# better, an! to .$st be +ith Treya +hen it h$rts" I
thin* this is +hy 0nobo!y is intereste! in chronic,0 beca$se
yo$ cant do anythin) abo$t chronic, yo$ can on%y be there"
An! so +hen 'eo'%e thin* they are s$''ose! to !o
so#ethin) to he%' yo$, an! &in! o$t that !oin) is o& no he%',
theyre at a %oss" What can I !o< Nothin), .$st be there""""
When 'eo'%e as* #e +hat I !o, an! I# in no #oo! to
chitchat, I $s$a%%y say, 0I# a Ia'anese +i&e,0 +hich tota%%y
con&$ses the#" The 'oint is that, as a s$''ort 'erson, yo$
are s$''ose! to be si%ent an! si#'%y !o as yo$r s'o$se
+i%%s 2 yo$re s$''ose! to be a )oo! 0+i&ey"0
Men &in! this 'artic$%ar%y to$)h, I !i!, any+ay" It too*
#e, I !ont *no+, #aybe t+o years be&ore I sto''e!
resentin) the &act that in any ar)$#ent +e ha! or !ecision
+e #a!e, Treya ha! the tr$#' car!- 0B$t I ha(e cancer"0
Treya, in other +or!s, +o$%! a%#ost a%+ays )et her +ay,
an! I +as re!$ce! to si#'%y )oin) a%on) %i*e the )oo! %itt%e
+i&e"
I !ont #in! this so #$ch any #ore" =or one thin), I
!ont .$st a$to#atica%%y 0)o a%on)0 +ith a%% Treyas
!ecisions, 'artic$%ar%y +hen I thin* they re&%ect ba!
.$!)#ent" 7re(io$s%y, I +o$%! ten! to )o a%on) +ith her
beca$se she see#e! a%#ost !es'erate%y to nee! #e to
s$''ort her !ecisions, e(en i& it #eant %yin) abo$t ho+ I
rea%%y &e%t" The +ay +e +or* it no+ is that i& Treya is #a*in)
an i#'ortant !ecision on, say, +hether to try a ne+
treat#ent, I )i(e her #y o'inion as stron)%y as I can state
it, e(en i& I !isa)ree +ith her, ri)ht $' to the 'oint that she
&ina%%y !eci!es +hat to !o" =ro# that 'oint on, I a)ree +ith
her, an! )et behin! her, an! s$''ort her in her choice as
best I can" Its no %on)er #y .ob to hec*%e her, or cast
!o$bts on her choice" She has eno$)h 'rob%e#s +itho$t
ha(in) to constant%y !o$bt her o+n co$rse o& action" " " "
=or another, +hen it co#es to !ay/to/!ay chores, I no
%on)er 'artic$%ar%y #in! bein) the )oo! %itt%e +i&e" I !o the
coo*in), I c%ean $', I !o !ishes, I !o %a$n!ry, I )o to the
s$'er#ar*et" Treya +rites rea%%y ni&ty %etters, ta*es co&&ee
ene#as, an! s+a%%o+s han!&$%s o& 'i%%s e(ery t+o ho$rs, so
so#ebo!ys )ot to !o a%% this .$n*, ri)ht< " " "
The e1istentia%ists are correct that +ithin the rea%# o&
yo$r o+n choices or yo$r o+n !oin), yo$ ha(e to a&&ir# the
choices yo$ ha(e #a!e" That is, yo$ ha(e to stan! behin!
the choices yo$ ha(e #a!e that contrib$te! to #o%!in)
yo$r o+n &ate, as the e1istentia%ists say, 0+e are o$r
choices"0 =ai%in) to a&&ir# o$r o+n choices is ca%%e! 0ba!
&aith0 an! is sai! to %ea! to 0ina$thentic bein)"0
=or #e this ca#e in the &or# o& a (ery si#'%e rea%i8ation-
at any ti#e in this !i&&ic$%t 'rocess, I co$%! ha(e +a%*e! o$t"
Nobo!y +as chainin) #e to the hos'ita% +ar!s, no one
threatene! #y %i&e i& I %e&t, nobo!y ha! tie! #e !o+n" So#e
'%ace !ee' insi!e I ha! #a!e a &$n!a#enta% choice to stay
+ith this +o#an thro$)h thic* an! thin, no #atter +hat,
&ore(er, to see her thro$)h this 'rocess co#e +hat #ay"
B$t so#e+here !$rin) the secon! year o& the or!ea%, I
&or)ot abo$t this choice, e(en tho$)h it +as a choice I +as
sti%% #a*in), ob(io$s%y, or I +o$%! ha(e %e&t" I +as !is'%ayin)
ba! &aith, I +as bein) ina$thentic, I +asnt rea%" In #y ba!
&aith I ha! &or)otten abo$t #y o+n choice, an! there&ore
a%#ost i##e!iate%y &e%% into an attit$!e o& b%a#e, an!
conse>$ent%y se%&/'ity" So#eho+, this a%% beca#e (ery c%ear
to #e" " " "
It is not a%+ays easy &or #e to a&&ir# this choice, or #y
choices in )enera%" It !oesnt a$to#atica%%y #a*e the
sit$ation any better" I thin* o& it %i*e (o%$nteerin) to )o into
co#bat an! then )ettin) shot" I #i)ht ha(e &ree%y chosen to
)o into co#bat, b$t I !i! not choose to )et shot" I &ee% a
%itt%e bit +o$n!e!, an! I# not ha''y abo$t that, b$t I &ree%y
(o%$nteere! &or the assi)n#ent 2 it +as #y choice 2 an! I
+o$%! &ree%y (o%$nteer a)ain, *no+in) &$%% +e%% +hat it
entai%s"
So each !ay I rea&&ir# #y choice" Each !ay I choose once
a)ain" This sto's b%a#e &ro# 'i%in) $', an! s%o+s the
acc$#$%ation o& 'ity or )$i%t" Its a si#'%e 'oint, b$t act$a%%y
a''%yin) e(en the si#'%est 'oints in rea% %i&e is $s$a%%y
!i&&ic$%t" " " "
In a!!ition to s%o+%y )ettin) bac* into +ritin), I ha(e a%so
ret$rne! to #e!itation, the +ho%e 'oint o& +hich is rea%%y
.$st to %earn ho+ to !ie 4to !ie to the se'arate/se%& sense, or
e)o5, an! Treyas &acin) a 'otentia%%y %etha% !isease is an
e1traor!inary s'$r to #e!itati(e a+areness" The sa)es say
that i& yo$ #aintain this choice%ess a+areness, this bare
+itnessin), #o#ent to #o#ent, then !eath is .$st a si#'%e
#o#ent %i*e any other, an! yo$ re%ate to it in a (ery si#'%e
an! !irect +ay" 3o$ !ont recoi% &ro# !eath or )ras' at %i&e,
since &$n!a#enta%%y they are both .$st si#'%e e1'eriences
that 'ass"
The B$!!hist notion o& 0e#'tiness0 has a%so he%'e! #e a
)reat !ea%" E#'tiness 4shunyata5 !oesnt #ean b%an* or
(oi!, it #eans $nobstr$cte! or $ni#'e!e! or s'ontaneo$s,
it a%so is ro$)h%y synony#o$s +ith i#'er#anence or
&%eetin)ness 4anicca5" An! the B$!!hists say that rea%ity is
e#'ty 2 there is nothin) 'er#anent or abso%$te%y en!$rin)
that yo$ can ho%! on to &or sec$rity or s$''ort" As the
Dia#on! S$tra says, 0Li&e is %i*e a b$bb%e, a !rea#, a
re&%ection, a #ira)e"0 The +ho%e 'oint is not to try to )ras'
the #ira)e, b$t rather to 0%et )o,0 since theres rea%%y
nothin) to han) on to any+ay" An! a)ain, Treyas cancer is
a constant re#in!er that !eath is a )reat %ettin) )o, b$t yo$
nee!nt +ait &or act$a% 'hysica% !eath to 'ro&o$n!%y %et )o
o& yo$r o+n )ras'in) an! c%in)in) in this #o#ent, an! this
#o#ent, an! this"
An! &ina%%y, to brin) this a%% bac* ho#e, the #ystics
#aintain that the ty'e o& action that one 'er&or#s in this
+or%!, if one li#es by choiceless a%areness, is an action
!e(oi! o& e)o or !e(oi! o& se%&/centere!ness" I& yo$ are
)oin) to !ie to 4or transcen!5 the se'arate/se%& sense, then
yo$ ha(e to !ie to se%&/centere! an! se%&/ser(in) actions" In
other +or!s, yo$ ha(e to 'er&or# +hat the #ystics ca%%
selfless ser#ice" 3o$ ha(e to ser(e others, +itho$t tho$)ht
o& se%& or ho'e &or 'raise, yo$ si#'%y %o(e an! ser(e 2 as
Mother Teresa says, 0Lo(e $nti% it h$rts"0
In other +or!s, yo$ beco#e a )oo! +i&e"
In other +or!s, here I a#, coo*in) !inner an! +ashin)
!ishes" Dont )et #e +ron), I# sti%% &ar &ro# Mother Teresa
stat$s, b$t I increasin)%y see #y s$''ort/'erson acti(ity as
bein) a #a.or 'art o& se%&%ess ser(ice an! there&ore o& #y
o+n s'irit$a% )ro+th, a ty'e o& #e!itation in action, a ty'e
o& co#'assion" Nor !oes this #ean that I ha(e 'er&ecte!
this art, I sti%% bitch an! #oan, I sti%% )et an)ry, I sti%% b%a#e
circ$#stances, an! Treya an! I sti%% ha%&/*i! 4ha%&/not5 abo$t
ho%!in) han!s, .$#'in) o&& the bri!)e, an! '$ttin) an en!
to this +ho%e .o*e"
An! a%% in a%%, I! rather be +ritin)"
No+, as a re+ar! &or rea!in) thro$)h this %on) %etter,
an! &or a%% yo$ other )oo! +i(es o$t there, I# )i(in) o$t
#y +or%!/&a#o$s reci'e &or (e)etarian chi%i-
In)re!ients-
2/C cans !ar* re! *i!ney beans 4!raine!5
2 sta%*s ce%ery, cho''e!
2 onions, cho''e!
2 )reen 'e''ers, cho''e!
2/C T o%i(e oi%
: 2B/o8" can +ho%e to#atoes
C/H c%o(es )ar%ic
C/H T chi%i 'o+!er
:/2 T c$#in
2/C T &resh 'ars%ey
2/C T ore)ano
: can beer
: c$' cashe+s
:?2 c$' raisins 4o'tiona%5
Heat oi% in %ar)e 'ot, sa$te onions $nti% c%ear, then
a!! ce%ery, )reen 'e''er, an! )ar%ic, coo* &or K
#in$tes or so" A!! to#atoes 4+ith .$ice, brea* the
to#atoes into s#a%% ch$n*s5 an! *i!ney beans,
re!$ce to si##er" A!! chi%i 'o+!er, c$#in, 'ars%ey,
ore)ano, beer, cashe+s, an! raisins 4o't"5" Si##er as
%on) as yo$ +ant" 6arnish +ith &resh 'ars%ey or )rate!
che!!ar cheese"
I cant re#e#ber i& beer +as 'art o& #y ori)ina% reci'e or
I .$st !ro''e! #y beer in it once +hen I +as coo*in) it, in
any e(ent, the beer is essentia%" A%so, 0T0 !oes #ean
tab%es'oon, not teas'oon, the +ho%e secret o& this chi%i is in
the %ar)e a#o$nts o& herbs" A (otre sante" 7%ease eat it in
)oo! hea%th"
Lo(e,
;en
As I sai!, this %etter +as 'ic*e! $' an! '$b%ishe! by the
0ournal of Transpersonal -sychology, +here it )ot a
res'onse so %ar)e an! so heartbrea*in) that +e +ere a%%
ta*en abac*" B$t the res'onse si#'%y 'ointe! o$t the
!es'erate '%i)ht o& s$''ort 'eo'%e e(ery+here, the 'eo'%e
that are 0si%ent%y +aste!0 beca$se, since they arent the
0sic* 'erson,0 nobo!y thin*s they ha(e any rea% 'rob%e#s"
Aic*y We%%s, +ho has been both a s$''ort 'erson an! a
cancer 'atient, '$t it best, an! in +or!s I thin* e(ery
s$''ort 'erson sho$%! hear-
I(e been in both +or%!s 2 I(e ha! cancer an! I(e
been a s$''ort 'erson &or Treya an! others" An! I +o$%!
ha(e to say that it is so #$ch har!er bein) a s$''ort
'erson" Beca$se, at %east &or #e, +hen I +as !ea%in)
+ith #y o+n cancer, there +ere a %ot o& #o#ents o&
sheer bea$ty an! c%arity an! )race an! reor!erin) o&
'riorities in %i&e, an! a rea''reciation o& the bea$ty o&
%i&e" An! I thin* that as a s$''ort 'erson, thats rea%%y
har! to &in!" The cancer 'erson has no choice b$t to stay
+ith it, b$t the s$''ort 'erson has to choose to han) in
there a%% the ti#e" An! it +as rea% har! &or #e, as a
s$''ort 'erson, to )et o(er the sa!ness, or )et o(er the
&ee%in) o& +a%*in) on e))she%%s aro$n! the 'erson, or
%i(in) +ith their treat#ent choices" What sho$%! I !o an!
ho+ sho$%! I s$''ort her< An! sho$%! I be honest abo$t
+hat I rea%%y &ee%< Its %i*e an e#otiona% ro%%er coaster &or
the s$''ort 'erson" An! +hat I $s$a%%y co#e bac* to is,
its .$st %o(e" I$st %o(e her, thats the #ost i#'ortant
thin)"
A&ter Treyas ta%* in As'en, +e +ent brie&%y to San
=rancisco, +here +e nee!e! to cons$%t +ith 7eter Richar!s
an! Dic* Cohen" Whi%e there, Treya )a(e a ta%* at CSC" On
the !ay o& the 'resentation, CSC +as so cro+!e! 'eo'%e
+ere bac*e! $' into the street" Aic*y s$##ari8e! the
+ho%e thin)- 0I #ean they +ere b%o+n a+ay by her" Were
a%% a %itt%e bit in a+e o& her, yo$ *no+" Her honesty, her
co$ra)e"0
03eah, I *no+, Aic*" At this 'oint, I thin* +ere .$st the
&irst in a %on), %on) %ine o& &o%*s"0
We ret$rne! to Bo$%!er an! o$r !ai%y )rin!, +aitin),
+aitin)" By this ti#e I +as !ee'%y in(o%(e! in the 'ractices
o& D8o)chen, )i(en to #e by His Ho%iness 7e#a Norb$
Rin'oche, or 7enor &or short" The essence o& D8o)chen 4or
#aha/ati5 is ra!ica%%y si#'%e, an! is in accor! +ith the
hi)hest teachin)s o& other o& the +or%!s )reat +is!o#
tra!itions, 'artic$%ar%y Ae!anta Hin!$is# an! Chan 4ear%y
Len5 B$!!his#" In a n$tshe%%-
I& S'irit has any #eanin), it #$st be o#ni'resent, or a%%/
'er(a!in) an! a%%/enco#'assin)" There cant be a '%ace
S'irit is not, or it +o$%!nt be in&inite" There&ore, S'irit has
to be co#'%ete%y 'resent, ri)ht here, ri)ht no+, in yo$r o+n
a+areness" That is, yo$r o+n 'resent a+areness, 'recise%y
as it is, +itho$t chan)in) it or a%terin) it in any +ay, is
'er&ect%y an! co#'%ete%y 'er#eate! by S'irit"
=$rther#ore, it is not that S'irit is 'resent b$t yo$ nee!
to be en%i)htene! in or!er to see it" It is not that yo$ are
one +ith S'irit b$t .$st !ont *no+ it yet" Beca$se that
+o$%! a%so i#'%y that there is so#e '%ace S'irit is not" No,
accor!in) to D8o)chen, yo$ are a%+ays a%rea!y one +ith
S'irit, an! that a+areness is a%+ays a%rea!y &$%%y 'resent,
ri)ht no+" 3o$ are %oo*in) !irect%y at S'irit, +ith S'irit, in
e(ery act o& a+areness" There is no+here S'irit is not"
=$rther, i& S'irit has any #eanin) at a%%, then it #$st be
eterna%, or +itho$t be)innin) or en!" I& S'irit ha! a
be)innin) in ti#e, then it +o$%! be strict%y te#'ora%, it
+o$%! not be ti#e%ess an! eterna%" An! this #eans, as
re)ar!s yo$r o+n a+areness, that yo$ cannot become
en%i)htene!" 3o$ cannot attain en%i)hten#ent" I& yo$ co$%!
attain en%i)hten#ent, then that state +o$%! ha(e a
be)innin) in ti#e, an! so it +o$%! not be tr$e
en%i)hten#ent"
Rather, S'irit, an! en%i)hten#ent, has to be so#ethin)
that yo$ are &$%%y a+are o& ri)ht no+" Something you are
already loo!ing at right no%" As I +as recei(in) these
teachin)s, I tho$)ht o& the o%! '$88%es in the S$n!ay
s$''%e#ent section o& the ne+s'a'er, +here there is a
%an!sca'e an! the ca'tion says, 0The &aces o& t+enty
&a#o$s 'eo'%e are hi!!en in this %an!sca'e" Can yo$ s'ot
the#<0 The &aces +ere #aybe Wa%ter Cron*ite, Iohn
;enne!y, that *in! o& thin)" The 'oint is that yo$ are
%oo*in) ri)ht at the &aces" 3o$ !ont nee! to see anything
#ore in or!er to be %oo*in) at the &aces" They are
co#'%ete%y enterin) yo$r (is$a% &ie%! a%rea!y, yo$ .$st !ont
reco)ni8e the#" I& yo$ sti%% cant &in! the#, then so#ebo!y
co#es a%on) an! si#'%y 'oints the# o$t"
Its the sa#e +ay +ith S'irit or en%i)hten#ent, I tho$)ht"
We are a%% a%rea!y %oo*in) !irect%y at S'irit, +e .$st !ont
reco)ni8e it" We ha(e a%% the necessary co)nition, b$t not
the reco)nition" This is +hy the D8o)chen teachin)s !ont
'artic$%ar%y reco##en! #e!itation, $se&$% as that #ay be
&or other '$r'oses" Beca$se #e!itation is an atte#'t to
chan)e co)nition, to chan)e a+areness, an! that is
$nnecessary an! besi!e the 'oint" S'irit is a%rea!y
co#'%ete%y an! &$%%y 'resent in the state o& a+areness that
yo$ ha(e no+, nothin) nee!s to be chan)e! or a%tere!"
An!, in!ee!, the atte#'t to chan)e a+areness is %i*e tryin)
to 'aint in the &aces in the '$88%e instea! o& si#'%y
reco)ni8in) the#"
An! th$s, in D8o)chen, the centra% teachin) is not
#e!itation, beca$se #e!itation ai#s at a chan)e o& state,
an! en%i)hten#ent is not a chan)e o& state b$t the
reco)nition o& the nat$re o& any 'resent state" In!ee!,
#$ch o& the teachin) o& D8o)chen centers on +hy
#e!itation !oesnt +or*, or +hy en%i)hten#ent can ne(er
be )aine! beca$se it is a%+ays a%rea!y 'resent" Tryin) to
)et en%i)hten#ent +o$%! be %i*e tryin) to attain yo$r &eet"
The &irst r$%e in D8o)chen- There is nothin) yo$ can try to
!o, or try not to !o, to )et basic a+areness, beca$se it
a%rea!y an! &$%%y is"
Instea! o& #e!itation, then, D8o)chen $ses +hat are
ca%%e! 0the 'ointin)/o$t instr$ctions"0 Here the Master
si#'%y ta%*s to yo$, an! 'oints o$t that as'ect o& yo$r
a+areness that is already one +ith S'irit an! has a%+ays
been one +ith S'irit, that 'art o& yo$r a+areness that is
ti#e%ess an! eterna%, that is be)innin)%ess, that has been
+ith yo$ e(en be&ore yo$r 'arents +ere born 4as Len +o$%!
'$t it5" In other +or!s, its .$st %i*e 'ointin) o$t the &aces in
the '$88%e" 3o$ !ont ha(e to chan)e the '$88%e or
rearran)e it, yo$ on%y ha(e to reco)ni8e that +hich yo$ are
a%rea!y %oo*in) at" Me!itation rearran)es the '$88%e,
D8o)chen !oesnt to$ch a thin)" Th$s the 'ointin)/o$t
instr$ctions $s$a%%y be)in, 0Witho$t correctin) or #o!i&yin)
yo$r 'resent a+areness in any +ay, notice that"""0
I cannot )i(e the act$a% instr$ctions, as those are the
s'ecia% 'ro(ince o& the D8o)chen Master" B$t I can )i(e yo$
the Ae!antan Hin!$ (ersion, since they are a%rea!y in 'rint,
'artic$%ar%y in the +ritin)s o& the i%%$strio$s Sri Ra#ana
Maharshi" As I +o$%! +or! it-
The one thin) +e are a%+ays a%rea!y a+are o& is " " "
a+areness itse%&" We a%rea!y ha(e basic a+areness, in the
&or# o& the ca'acity to Witness +hate(er arises" As an o%!
Len Master $se! to say, 03o$ hear the bir!s< 3o$ see the
s$n< Who is not en%i)htene!<0 None o& $s can e(en i#a)ine
a state +here basic a+areness is not, beca$se +e +o$%!
sti%% be a+are o& the i#a)inin)" E(en in !rea#s +e are
a+are" Moreo(er, these tra!itions #aintain, there are not
t+o !i&&erent ty'es o& a+areness, en%i)htene! (ers$s
i)norant" There is on%y a+areness" An! this a+areness,
e1act%y an! 'recise%y as it is, +itho$t correction or
#o!i&ication at a%%, is itse%& S'irit, since there is no+here
S'irit is not"
The instr$ctions, then, are to reco)ni8e a+areness,
reco)ni8e the Witness, reco)ni8e the Se%&, an! abi!e as
that" Any atte#'t to )et a+areness is tota%%y besi!e the
'oint" 0B$t I sti%% !ont see S'irit90 03o$ are a+are o& yo$r
not seein) S'irit, an! that a+areness is itse%& S'irit90
3o$ can 'ractice #in!&$%ness, beca$se there is
&or)et&$%ness, b$t yo$ cannot 'ractice a+areness, beca$se
there is on%y a+areness" In #in!&$%ness, yo$ 'ay attention
to the 'resent #o#ent" 3o$ try to 0be here no+"0 B$t '$re
a+areness is the 'resent state o& a+areness be&ore yo$ try
to !o anything abo$t it" Tryin) to 0be here no+0 re>$ires a
&$t$re #o#ent in +hich yo$ +i%% then be #in!&$%, b$t '$re
a+areness is this #o#ent be&ore yo$ try anythin)" 3o$ are
a%rea!y a+are, yo$ are a%rea!y en%i)htene!" 3o$ #i)ht not
be a%+ays a%rea!y #in!&$%, b$t yo$ are a%+ays a%rea!y
en%i)htene!"
The 'ointin)/o$t instr$ctions )o on %i*e this, so#eti#es
&or a &e+ #in$tes, so#eti#es &or a &e+ ho$rs, so#eti#es
&or a &e+ !ays, $nti% yo$ 0)et0 it, $nti% yo$ reco)ni8e yo$r
o+n Tr$e =ace, the 0&ace yo$ ha! be&ore yo$r 'arents +ere
born0 4that is, ti#e%ess an! eterna%, 'rior to birth an!
!eath5" An! it is a reco)nition, not a co)nition" Its %i*e
'eerin) into the +in!o+ o& a !e'art#ent store, an! seein)
a (a)$e &i)$re starin) bac* at yo$" 3o$ %et the &i)$re co#e
into &oc$s, an! +ith a shoc* rea%i8e that its yo$r o+n
re&%ection in the +in!o+" The entire +or%!, accor!in) to
these tra!itions, is nothin) b$t the re&%ection o& yo$r o+n
Se%&, re&%ecte! in the #irror o& yo$r o+n a+areness" See<
3o$ are a%rea!y %oo*in) ri)ht at it" " " "
Th$s, accor!in) to these tra!itions, basic a+areness is
not har! to reach, its i#'ossib%e to a(oi!, an! the so/ca%%e!
0'aths0 to the Se%& are rea%%y obstac%e co$rses" They 're(ent
the reco)nition as %on) as they are en)a)e!" There is only
the Se%&, there is only 6o!" As Ra#ana hi#se%& '$t it-
There is neither creation nor !estr$ction,
Neither !estiny nor &ree +i%%,
Neither 'ath nor achie(e#ent,
This is the &ina% tr$th"
I sho$%! 'oint o$t that a%tho$)h D8o)chen itse%& !oes not
'artic$%ar%y reco##en! #e!itation, by the ti#e yo$ are
intro!$ce! to the D8o)chen teachin)s, yo$ are e1'ecte! to
ha(e 'ractice! to so#e !e)ree #ost o& the &irst ei)ht
sta)es o& 'ractice, +hich are a%% sta)es o& #e!itation" An! it
is #aintaine! that #e!itation is (ery i#'ortant an! (ery
bene&icia% &or increasin) (irt$o$s states o& #in!, 'o+ers o&
concentration, #in!&$%ness, an! insi)ht, an! #e!itation
#$st be '$rs$e! (i)oro$s%y as a trainin)" It .$st has nothin)
to !o +ith en%i)hten#ent 'er se" Any en%i)hten#ent that
can be attaine! is not rea% en%i)hten#ent" Me!itation is a
trainin), an! D8o)chen 'oints o$t that trainin) co#'%ete%y
#isses the 'oint ri)ht in the &irst ste', beca$se it #a*es
yo$ try to #o(e a+ay &ro# yo$r 'resent an! 'rior
a+areness"
My o+n teacher +o$%! #eet +ith st$!ents, an! they
+o$%! co#e in sayin) thin)s %i*e, 0I .$st ha! the #ost
a#a8in) e1'erience" My e)o .$st !isa''eare! an! I +as one
+ith e(erythin), an! ti#e e(a'orate! an! it +as
+on!er&$%90
An! the Master +o$%! say, 0Thats nice" B$t te%% #e, !i!
that e1'erience ha(e a be)innin) in ti#e<0
03eah, it ha''ene! yester!ay, I +as .$st sittin) there
an! a%% o& a s$!!en """0
0That +hich has a be)innin) in ti#e is not rea%" Co#e
bac* +hen yo$ reco)ni8e that +hich is a%rea!y 'resent, that
+hich is not an e1'erience, that +hich !oes not ha(e a
be)innin) in ti#e" It has to be so#ethin) yo$ are a%rea!y
a+are o&" Co#e bac* +hen yo$ reco)ni8e that
beginningless state" 3o$ are )i(in) #e be)innin)s"0
0Oh"0
B$t once reco)nition has ta*en '%ace in the st$!ent,
then #e!itation is $se! to stabi%i8e the reco)nition an! to
he%' brin) it to a%% as'ects o& %i&e" An! this, in!ee!, is the
har! 'art" Theres a sayin) in D8o)chen- 0Reco)ni8in) yo$r
Tr$e =ace is easy, %i(in) it is har!"0 It +as e1act%y these
0%i(in) it0 ro$tines that I ha! be)$n 'racticin)"
Treyas o+n 'ractice +as brin)in) her to a si#i%ar
$n!erstan!in), since she +as +or*in) #ost +ith the
teachin)s o& Sri Ra#ana Maharshi, +ho is a%so #y o+n
&a(orite sin)%e teacher" An! in 'artic$%ar she +as rea%i8in)
that the #ystica% e1'erience she ha! +hen she +as thirteen
2 an! that she !escribe! as 0the )$i!in) sy#bo% o& #y %i&e0
2 +as act$a%%y a )%i#'se or reco)nition o& the e(er'resent
Se%&, +hich is one +ith 0a%% s'ace"0 An! that in !isso%(in)
into 0a%% s'ace0 2 +hich ha''ene! +hen she +as thirteen,
an! +hich +as ha''enin) in her #e!itation 2 she +as rea%%y
.$st rehearsin) her o+n !eath"
I %o(e the #e%tin) into s'acio$sness, into e#'tiness,
o& #y #e!itation" ;en +as sayin) this #ornin) that .$st
reco)ni8in) that s'acio$sness, or that i!entity +ith a%%
s'ace, is the on%y thin) he is !ra+n to in ter#s o&
'ractice" This is #y o+n stron) '$%% as +e%%" That
i##e!iate%y #a!e #e thin* o& #y e1'erience as a
thirteen/year/o%!, an! I rea%i8e! +hat a rea% he%' that is
)oin) to be &or #e at the 'oint that I a# !yin)" Beca$se
that +as an e1'erience an! not a teachin), not
so#ethin) that I(e %earne! or been to%! is tr$e, b$t that
.$st ca#e to #e s'ontaneo$s%y" I rea%%y thin* it +i%% he%'
#e a )reat !ea% in ter#s o& %ettin) )o, beca$se I see
#yse%& e1'an!in) an! e(ent$a%%y #i1in) co#'%ete%y
e(en%y +ith a%% the ato#s an! #o%ec$%es o& the entire
$ni(erse, bein) one +ith it a%%, !isso%(in) bac* into it,
rea%i8in) that as #y rea% nat$re" This so#eti#es
ha''ens in #e!itation, b$t a)ain, #y ori)ina% e1'erience
+as $nbi!!en, an! there&ore I rea%%y tr$st it" So#eho+
thats e1tre#e%y co#&ortin) to #e"
6on8a%es +arne! $s that as the %$n) t$#ors be)an to
!isso%(e, Treya #i)ht &in! breathin) !i&&ic$%t" In &act, so#e
'eo'%e on the en8y#e 'ro)ra# act$a%%y co$)h $' !ea! an!
!isso%(e! t$#ors, he to%! $s, an! in!ee! Bob Doty 2 o$r
&rien! &ro# the Ian*er ;%ini* +ho ha! recent%y ha! a re%a'se
an! +as on the ;e%%ey 'ro)ra# 2 ca%%e! $s an! to%! $s he
ha! co$)he! $' a h$)e 'iece o& +hat %oo*e! %i*e %i(er,
+hich a#a8e! his !octors" An!, +e +ere to%!, i& Treya &o$n!
breathin) !i&&ic$%t, she #i)ht ha(e to )o on 'ortab%e
o1y)en"
Her ortho!o1 !octors to%! her that she +as !yin) o& %$n)
cancer an! +o$%! soon ha(e to )o on 'ortab%e o1y)en"
In %ate October, Treya +ent on 'ortab%e o1y)en" We ha!
a s#a%% o1y)en tan* that +e re&i%%e! &ro# a %ar)e barre%/
si8e! container, an! Treya carrie! this tan* aro$n! +ith her
e(ery+here she +ent" She +asnt &on! o& the arran)e#ent,
b$t !i! it s%o+ her !o+n< Each #ornin) +hen I ca#e $'
&ro# #y #e!itation I +o$%! 'ass her on her e1ercise +a%*er
#achine, tan* stra''e! to her bac*, +a%*in) at %east three
#i%es each !ay, 'assionate e>$ani#ity, .oy&$%
!eter#ination, +ritten a%% o(er her &ace"
Her ortho!o1 !octors >$i88e! her c%ose%y abo$t her &ear
o& !eath, beca$se they +ere con(ince! that she +as $sin)
the ;e%%ey 'ro)ra# as a #assi(e !enia% o& !eath an! a
re&$sa% to &o%%o+ their reco##en!ations 4+hich, o& co$rse,
they a!#itte! 2 +hen 'resse! 2 +o$%!nt +or* any+ay5" I
re#e#ber one con(ersation (i(i!%y"
0Treya, are yo$ a&rai! o& !yin)<0
0No, I# rea%%y not a&rai! o& !yin), b$t I a# a&rai! o& ba!
'ain" I !ont +ant to !ie in 'ain"0
0We%%, %et #e ass$re yo$ +e can han!%e that" Mo!ern
'ain #eas$res are (ery so'histicate!" Its been a %on) ti#e
since I(e ha! a 'atient !ie in 'ain, so I 'ro#ise yo$ that
+ont ha''en" B$t yo$re not a&rai! o& !yin)<0
0No"0
0Why not<0
0Beca$se I &ee% that I# in to$ch +ith a 'art o& #e, a 'art
o& e(erybo!y, that is .$st a%% that is" When I !ie, I%% .$st
!isso%(e bac* into that" Thats not &ri)htenin)"0
She +as so ob(io$s%y s'ea*in) her tr$th, I co$%! see this
!octor &ina%%y be%ie(e! her" Then he )ot >$ite e#otiona%, it
+as e1tre#e%y to$chin)"
0I be%ie(e yo$, Treya" 3o$ *no+, I(e ne(er ha! a 'atient
%i*e yo$" 3o$ ha(e no se%&/'ity" No se%&/'ity" I(e ne(er seen
anythin) %i*e it" Its a rea% honor to +or* +ith yo$, #ay I te%%
yo$ that<0
Treya reache! o$t an! e#brace! hi#, an! +ith a bi)
s#i%e sai! si#'%y, 0Than* yo$"0
5Ha#e you seen the other rooms65 , say3 5They are
absolutely beautiful= .ne had these ama4ing crystals and
mountains, and there %as this 8ungle and, oh, did you see
the stars6 , thin! they're stars3 *ny%ay > hey, %here %ere
you6 Where %ere you %hen , %as getting the tour65
5Here3 *nd am , e#er glad you're here, too3 7ou al%ays
promised you'd find me, you !no%, and , %as beginning to
%onder35
57eah, %ell, that's some cup of tea you %ent to ma!e3 ,'d
hate to see %hat happened if you made a %hole pot35
5Who is he65
5Don't !no%3 Thought he %as your friend35
5, can't see anything,5 she says3 5,s there somebody
there65
5,'m not sure3 , ha#e a theory3 , thin! this is a dream3
We're in each other's dream3 ,s that possible6 *ny%ay, ,'#e
8ust been going along %ith the guy, or the %hate#er it is3
0ust do %hat it says3 ,t's !inda fun, actually3 5
5Listen #ery carefully to me,5 the "igure says3 5, %ant
you to hold hands and come this %ay35
5Ho%65 , as!3 5, mean, you'#e been gi#ing instructions >
push %ith your mind, that !ind of thing3 So ho%65
50ust hold hands, and come this %ay35
Treya and , loo! at each other3
5Trust me,5 it says3 57ou must trust me35
5Why65
5'ecause those stars %ere not stars, and because this
dream is not a dream3 Do you !no% %hat that means65
5, told you, , don't !no% %hat any of this means3 So %hy
don't you 3335
5, !no% %hat it means,5 Treya says3 5Here, gi#e me your
hand35
21
<race and <rit
Se'te#ber?October :EBB
Bo$%!er
Dear &rien!s,
The +in! is b%o+in) o$tsi!e, >$ite #i)hti%y an!
$n&ort$nate%y, beca$se a %ar)e &ire is ra)in) in Le&t Han!
Canyon, .$st o(er &ro# o$r ho$se" Ear%ier re'orts sai!
a%tho$)h the &ire is o$t o& contro% on%y a &e+ cabins +ere
en!an)ere!, b$t the %atest ne+s &%ash sai! se(enty/si1
ho#es ha(e been e(ac$ate!, 'ri#ari%y beca$se o& the
s#o*e" They(e been $nab%e to !ro' che#ica%s on the
&ire beca$se o& the hi)h +in!s" We can see &%a#es >$ite
c%ear%y &ro# o$r !ec* on to' o& the ri!)e an! &ear that
+e, too, #ay ha(e to e(ac$ate" We%% 'robab%y %oa! the
car +ith a &e+ essentia%s be&ore )oin) to be!, ha%&
e1'ectin) to )et an $n+e%co#e ca%% in the #i!!%e o& the
ni)ht" An! +hen +i%% the &ires in 3e%%o+stone en!<
I &in! that sit$ation hi)h%i)hts ho+ I .$st !ont )et as
$'set by 0ba!0 or 'otentia%%y ba! e(ents as I once !i!" I
thin* bein) b$&&ete! by so #$ch )oo! then ba! then
$ncertain ne+s o(er the 'ast &i(e years since #y initia%
!ia)nosis has ta$)ht #e so#ethin) abo$t #o(in) +ith
the ti!e, not resistin), %ettin) thin)s be as they are,
+atchin) ho+ thin)s !e(e%o' an! $n&o%! +ith a certain
ca%# b$t intereste! !etach#ent, not tryin) to en(ision
or &orce a certain res$%t b$t .$st +atchin) an!
'artici'atin) +hen a''ro'riate as the 0isness0 o& %i&e
$n&o%!s" I& +e ha(e to e(ac$ate, +e ha(e to e(ac$ate, I%%
!ea% +ith that +hen an! i& it ha''ens, an! &or no+ I%%
+atch the &%a#es bri)ht in the !ar* ni)ht, +atch the re!
)%o+ o(er the ri!)e beyon!, an! sen! )oo! +ishes to
those +ho are e(ac$ate!"
;en %i*es to say that the +or* +e !o on o$rse%(es,
+hether its 'sycho%o)ica% or s'irit$a%, is not #eant to
)et ri! o& the +a(es in the ocean o& %i&e b$t &or $s to
%earn ho+ to s$r&" Dn!er !$ress, to be s$re, I(e %earne!
a %ot abo$t ri!in) the +a(es" In As'en %ast #onth I +as
re#in!e! o& ho+ I $se! to be 2 ho+ i#'ortant
e(erythin) see#e!, +hat a 0#eanin) an! '$r'ose0
.$n*ie I once +as, ho+ intense%y I trie! to &i)$re
e(erythin) o$t, ho+ #y ne+ a)e 'ers'ecti(e sai! c%ear%y
that e(erythin) +as '$r'ose&$% an! '%anne! an! #a!e
sense" I re#e#ber a 'rayer that +as 'o'$%ar at =in!horn
an! en!e! 0Let the '%an o& %o(e an! %i)ht +or* o$t"0
B$!!his# an! ha(in) cancer ha(e ta$)ht #e so #$ch
abo$t %i(in) +ith 0!ont *no+,0 abo$t not tryin) to
contro% the &%o+ o& %i&e, abo$t a%%o+in) thin)s to be as
they are, abo$t &in!in) 'eace a#on) the $'sets an!
!isa''oint#ents o& this %i&e thro$)h %ettin) be" I
re#e#ber ho+ attache! I +as to !oin), ho+ #$ch #y
sense o& se%&/+orth !e'en!e! on +hat I !i!, ho+ b$sy I
*e't #yse%& a%% the ti#e, ho+ I nee!e! to &i%% each
#o#ent +ith acti(ity"
D$rin) the Win!star Sy#'osi$# I co$%!nt he%' b$t
thin* o& the Win!star st$!ent s$##er 'ro)ra#s I ran
4t+o/#onth resi!entia% &or cre!it 'ro)ra#s5" I tho$)ht
+ith so#e re)ret o& ho+ &$%% I *e't those st$!ents
sche!$%es, as i& the 'ro)ra# co$%! on%y be )oo! i& they
+ere b$sy an! %earnin) a%% the ti#e 4#y ne$rosis
i#'ose! on the#5" I &ee% no+ %i*e I !i!nt %ea(e the#
#$ch roo# to breathe, to inte)rate that rich, (arie!
e1'erience, to si#'%y be, to en.oy each other, to bas* in
the bea$ty, co%ors, cris' air an! starry ni)hts o& the
Co%ora!o #o$ntains" I a%so sa+, o& co$rse, ho+
consistent%y I ha(e !one the sa#e thin) to #yse%& o(er
the years"
B$t, I# %earnin)" I(e !eci!e! this ne1t year, +hen
the &oc$s is tota%%y on hea%in) an! the en8y#e 'ro)ra#,
+i%% be #y 0%itt%e o%! %a!y0 year" I +i%% s%ee' as %ate as I
can an! !o as %itt%e as I can )et a+ay +ith an! sto' &or a
>$iet c$' o& tea e(ery a&ternoon" Tra(e% as %itt%e as I can
2 on%y &or treat#ent, retreats, an! to see #y &a#i%y 2
since I hate the stress o& 'ac*in) an! +orryin) abo$t
&or)ettin) thin)s an! !oin) co&&ee ene#as in a stran)e
en(iron#ent" I +i%% b$i%! &ires on co%! +inter e(enin)s
an! c$r% $' +ith ;en an! the '$''ies to the crac*%e or
the &ire" I +i%% !rin* #y tea an! %oo* at the #o$ntains
rather than !rin* #y tea an! rea!" I +i%% try to e#$%ate
the )ent%er rhyth#s o& %i&e at =in!horn 4not the &rantic,
#eetin)/cra##e! !i#ension, +hich I thin* +as
intro!$ce! %ar)e%y by the #any A#ericans there, b$t the
#ore ci(i%i8e!, s%o+er British rhyth#5 +here theres ti#e
to rest an! #e!itate an! re&%ect an! (isit +ith &rien!s
an! +a%* in the )ar!en an! sa(or the %ate a&ternoon
s$nshine"
I thin* o& a recent e(enin) in As'en s'ent sittin)
aro$n! a crac*%in) &ire in &ront o& Br$ces cabin in As'en,
+hen ;airos cra+%e! into ;ens %a' an! then #ine to stay
+ar# a)ainst the #o$ntain chi%%" We +ere teachin) a
British (isitor the techni>$e &or roastin) #arsh#a%%o+s,
an! I +i%% a%+ays re#e#ber her sayin) that her &irst
i#'ression o& A#ericans +as ho+ &rantic they see#e! to
her, +ith a%% their b$syness an! r$shin) aro$n!"
Thats the *in! o& A#erican I(e a%+ays been, rather
co#'$%si(e abo$t 0)ettin) thin)s !one"0 I(e a%+ays &e%t
it +as terrib%y i#'ortant to contrib$te #y ener)y an! !o
the 0ri)ht thin)"0 =or e1a#'%e, I +as the *in! o& ca#'er
+ho, +hen +e arri(e! at the ca#'site an! #ost
e(eryone e%se scattere! to )o '%ay, !$ti&$%%y he%'e!
)ather stic*s an! +oo! &or the &ire, he%'e! $n'ac* the
horses, he%'e! )et the tents set $'" I +as a%#ost a%+ays
one o& the 0Honor 6ir%s0 co##en!e! at the en! o& the
s$##er an! a+ar!e! a si%(er an! t$r>$oise 'in to a!!
to the other re+ar!s" S$ch a )oo! %itt%e )ir%9 B$t no+,
$n!er the 'ress$re o& this i%%ness an! the tire!ness that
res$%ts &ro# ta*in) the en8y#es, I &ee% #y %i&e beco#in)
si#'%er, c%earer, #ore s'acio$s 2 airy rather than hea(y"
I &in! it easier an! easier to )et ri! o& 0st$&&,0 to )i(e
a+ay a%% #y 'hoto)ra'hy e>$i'#ent &or e1a#'%e,
instea! o& ho%!in) on to the 'ossibi%ity I #i)ht )et into it
a)ain so#e!ay, to 'ass on c%othes that once )a(e #e
'%eas$re an! )i(e a+ay trin*ets an! &rin)e! scar(es an!
.e+e%ry to the chi%!ren o& #y best &rien!s" Theres roo#
in #y c$'boar!s an! #y c%osets9 Li&e &ee%s %ess !ense,
%ess o'a>$e, #ore airy an! trans'arent an! en.oyab%e 2
as the b$syness to 'ro(e #y se%&/+orth s$bsi!es, as I
)i(e a+ay #ore an! #ore o%! 0st$&&,0 as erran!s )et
'ost'one! an! 'ost'one! an! 'ost'one! a)ain yet %i&e
!oesnt $nra(e%, as I s'en! >$iet ti#e +ith a c$' o& tea
an! a !o) at #y &eet on the !ec* in the s$nshine
sa(orin) the 'eace&$%, e1'ansi(e, +oo!e! (ie+ that
$nro%%s in &ront o& #e an! constant%y chan)es &ro# !a+n
to !$s* to #oon%i)ht"
Se'te#ber 2M
I )$ess this ne1t section co$%! be tit%e! 0When
Stran)ers Want to He%' 3o$ 2 Dont Be A&rai! to Say No,
or, Learnin) to Tr$st 3o$r 7sychic I##$ne Syste#90
I !ont *no+ +hy I +orry so #$ch abo$t 'eo'%e +ith
cancer bein) #a!e to &ee% ba! or )$i%ty or ina!e>$ate by
'eo'%e +ho thin* they(e )ot it a%% &i)$re! o$t an! are
the#se%(es in($%nerab%e, b$t I !o" Certain%y its beca$se
I(e &e%t )$i%ty an! con&$se! by a%% the a!(ice an!
!is)$ise! .$!)#ent I ha(e recei(e! &ro# o&ten +e%%/
intentione! 'eo'%e" The roots #$st )o bac* to #y stron)
&ee%in)s o& ina!e>$acy in chi%!hoo!, I s$''ose I +ant to
'rotect that %itt%e )ir% in #yse%& an! in e(eryone e%se, to
he%' her see her o+n stren)ths, he%' her to sort o$t
+hats tr$e abo$t her &ai%in)s an! to reco)ni8e +hats
tr$e abo$t her stren)ths" An! I s$''ose I +ant to !o this
&or the ($%nerab%e chi%! +ithin each o& $s, an!
'artic$%ar%y &or the chi%! +ithin #a!e e(en #ore
($%nerab%e by (irt$e o& no+ ha(in) cancer" 0Dont %isten
to +hat e(eryone +ho thin*s they $n!erstan! has to say
abo$t yo$,0 I +ant to say" 0Tr$st in yo$rse%&, &i%ter their
co##ents thro$)h yo$r o+n $n!erstan!in), an! !ont
be a&rai! to re.ect those that yo$ &in! are har#&$% or
!ise#'o+erin), those that +ea*en yo$ an! #a*e yo$
a&rai! or $ns$re o& yo$rse%&" ;ee' yo$r 'sychic i##$ne
syste# o'eratin) so yo$ can acce't he%'&$% he%' an!
re.ect !a#a)in) he%'"0
=or e1a#'%e-
A &rien! o& #ine intro!$ce! #e to t+o hea%ers !$rin)
the sy#'osi$#" The &irst o&&ere! a &ree session, +as
>$ite )ent%e, an! I tr$ste! her" I so#eho+ *ne+ she
+o$%!nt h$rt or #ani'$%ate #e &or her o+n '$r'oses" I
ha! a secon!, (ery (a%$ab%e session +ith her an! the
ne1t !ay &e%t so ener)etic that I +ante! to )o !ancin)"
4;en an! I !i!, at a !isco that ni)ht95 An! oh, ho+ I
ache! to )o s*iin), sna*in) !o+n the #o$ntain, the +in!
b%o+in) in #y &ace9
The secon! +o#an, so#eone I ha! act$a%%y #et
brie&%y so#e years ear%ier, +as a 'sycho%o)ist +ho ran
est/ty'e +or*sho's" When I sa+ her &irst she +as +ith
#y best &rien! Lin!a FCon)erG 2 this +as a brie& brea*
bet+een s'ea*ers 2 an! I +as .abberin) ha''i%y a+ay
+ith Lin!a abo$t a !rea# I! ha! the ni)ht be&ore" This
+o#an s$!!en%y sto''e! #e an! sai!, &orce&$%%y, 0Are
yo$ a+are o& a cryin) chi%! insi!e at this #o#ent<0 I sai!
0No, I &ee% ha''y ri)ht no+"0 She sai!, 0Oh, b$t there is" I
sense her >$ite c%ear%y, shes abo$t t+o or three" An! I
sense a tre#en!o$s (io%ence +ithin yo$"0 0An)er<0 I
as*e!" 0No, (io%ence, a ra)in) (io%ence, so#ethin) #$ch
stron)er than an)er"0 We%%, there +as nothin) #ore to
say beca$se the ne1t session +as be)innin)" She %ater
as*e! i& +hat she ha! sai! +as O; an! #y nice )ir% sai!,
s$re"
It too* #e $nti% that e(enin) to )et in to$ch +ith ho+
an)ry I +as 2 at her9 I too* her asi!e the ne1t !ay an!
e1'%aine! as c%ear%y as I co$%! that +hether her insi)ht
+as tr$e or not +as not the 'oint" The 'oint +as that I
&e%t '$t !o+n an! !ise#'o+ere! an! (io%ate! by her" I
ha! not as*e! her to be #y thera'ist, ha! ne(er in(ite!
her in to #y 'ri(ate +or%!" There +as no tr$st
estab%ishe! bet+een $s, har!%y an intro!$ction" An!, I
trie! to e1'%ain to her, she !$#'e! this on #e in a
tota%%y ina''ro'riate sit$ation" Moreo(er, she set it $' &or
her to ha(e the 'o+er an! to be ri)ht 2 I thin* it +o$%!
be a rare 'erson +ho +o$%! ha(e ans+ere! her >$estion
+ith a yes in that conte1t" The +ho%e scene #a!e it (ery
c%ear to #e that she +as not a thera'ist to be tr$ste!,
the e1act o''osite o& #y e1'erience +ith the &irst
+o#an" I# )%a! #y 'sychic i##$ne syste# +as
+or*in), b$t I +ish it ha!nt ta*en so %on) to *ic* in9
A)ain, +hat she sai! #ay be tr$e, I !ont *no+, b$t the
+ay she chose to co##$nicate in!icate! c%ear%y that
she care! #ore abo$t bein) 'o+er&$% an! ri)ht than
abo$t he%'in) so#eone )ain insi)ht"
The &irst +o#an, the +o#an I tr$ste! &ro# the
be)innin), a%so r$ns +ee*en! 'ro)ra#s" I !eci!e! to )o
to one b$t i##e!iate%y chan)e! #y #in! +hen I s'o*e
to one o& her assistants" A)ain, I thin* #y 'sychic
i##$ne syste# +as +or*in) that !ay 2 the assistant I
s'o*e to +o$%! ca%% it resistance" The assistant
s$))este! I )et c%ear abo$t +hat I +ante! to +or* on
an! #y )oa%s &or the +ee*en!, an! s$))este! I #i)ht
&ee% resistance co#in) $' 4ones 'sychic i##$ne syste#
is o&ten an!, in #y o'inion, +ron)%y %abe%e! resistance, a
har! %abe% to she! since e&&orts in that !irection are o&ten
seen as on%y #ore resistance5" We%%, #y
resistance?'sychic i##$ne syste# &%are! into action
>$ic*%y +hen she sai!, 0We%%, i& yo$ ha(e cancer yo$
#$st ha(e so#ethin) eatin) a+ay at yo$ insi!e" Can yo$
stan! to &ace the tr$th<0
;en +as on the other %ine" He rare%y )ets rea%%y an)ry,
b$t he b%e+ $' at this +o#an" I !ont re#e#ber +hat he
sai! e1act%y, so#ethin) %i*e, 0Whats eatin) her, #aa#,
is assho%es %i*e yo$ +ho !ont ha(e the &aintest &$c* o&
an i!ea +hat yo$re ta%*in) abo$t"0 Any+ay, he h$n) $'
the 'hone" I +as thin*in), 0Oh 6o!, '%ease s'are #e
&ro# these si#'%istic inter'retations" Is bein) aro$n!
'eo'%e %i*e this )oin) to he%' #e, I as*e!, or h$rt #e<0 I
trie! to e1'%ain to her .$st ho+ #$ch (io%ence an!
a))ression her see#in)%y innocent co##ent containe!,
b$t it +as *in! o& har! a&ter ;ens %o(in) !is'%ay9 He says
hes .$st ha! it +ith those 'eo'%e, an! I a)ree, b$t I#
sti%% tryin) to &in! +ays to reach the# an! sho+ the#
ho+ #$ch they are h$rtin) 'eo'%e" Any+ay, I h$n) $'
the 'hone, rea%i8in) this +as !e&inite%y not &or #e"
I &o$n! that so#e o& Iere#y Hay+ar!s co##ents on
B$!!hist e!$cation 4in a ta%* )i(en at Naro'a Instit$te5
re%ate! to this +ho%e iss$e" He sai!-
0=ro# the B$!!hist 'oint o& (ie+ there are certain
essentia% #ar*s o& h$#an e1istence +hich )o a%to)ether
beyon!, or be&ore, c$%t$re" One o& these is that a%%
h$#ans s$&&er" A%% o& $s, in the secrecy o& o$r !o#estic
sec$rity, are &ri)htene! """ it is a &act that at any
#o#ent, as yet $n!eter#ine! an! certain%y $n*no+n,
each an! e(ery one o& $s is )oin) to !ie" An! ho+e(er
s%o+, or ho+e(er &ast, the 'rocess o& !eath #ay be in
ter#s o& i%%ness or o%! a)e, the #o#ent o& !eath is
s$!!en" " " " When, occasiona%%y, +e %et this to$ch $s it is
(ery &ri)htenin)" An! this !oes not !e'en! on c$%t$re" It
is as tr$e &or the In$it as &or the A$stra%ian" " " " This is
$ni(ersa%" """ So, reco)ni8in) that &ear an! r$nnin) &ro#
that &ear 2 this ba%ance contin$a%%y )oes on" Reco)ni8in)
it is &ear%essness" When yo$ reco)ni8e it, +hen yo$ stay
+ith it, +hich #eans that yo$ %et yo$rse%& >$a*e, &ee% the
>$a*in), then there is &ear%essness" An! then r$nnin)
&ro# it, in &ear o& &ear, is co+ar!ice" This is the constant
'%ay o& #in!" """ At that #o#ent, a rea%i8ation #i)ht
!a+n o& a+areness enco#'assin) both &ear an!
&ear%essness 2 .oy """ or con&i!ence" So +hen yo$ stay
+ith that terror then yo$ #i)ht !isco(er con&i!ence or
.oy, +hich co#es &ro# reco)ni8in) the in!estr$ctibi%ity o&
a+areness""""
0So the &$n!a#enta% &act, then, is &ear an!
&ear%essness +hich .oine! brin) con&i!ence an! .oy" " " "
The )ro$n! o& h$#anness is )oo!ness, in that sense o&
&$n!a#enta% .oy an! &$n!a#enta% con&i!ence" There&ore
+e are &ree &ro# )$i%t, &ree o& sin"0
He )oes on to say that the basis o& B$!!hist
e!$cation is absence o& )$i%t, the basis is the inherent
&o$n!ation o& )oo!ness" We nee! to 0%et )o o& )$i%t, %et
)o o& sin, %et )o o& b%a#e, %et )o o& thin*in) that +e
#a!e a #ista*e, sto' %oo*in) &or the 'rob%e#s that ha(e
to be correcte! rather than the )oo!ness an!
inte%%i)ence that can be no$rishe!" " " " Reco)ni8in) the
&ear as +e%% as the &ear%essness in others, an! he%'in)
others to reco)ni8e their &ear an! to !isco(er
&ear%essness, this is co#'assion"0
No+, as &ar as these +or*sho's )o, I &$%%y reco)ni8e
that they #i)ht be .$st the ri)ht thin) &or #any 'eo'%e"
B$t there are re'orts an! criticis#s be)innin) to &i%ter to
the s$r&ace o& these +or*sho's that they are har#&$% to
so#e, so#eti#es coerci(e, an! not base! on
co#'assion" I #ention this series o& e(ents beca$se I
thin* 'eo'%e +ith cancer, in their search &or a c$re an! in
their atte#'t to in(esti)ate a%% 'ossibi%ities, #i)ht be
es'ecia%%y ($%nerab%e to +hat these +or*sho's 'ro#ise"
The +o#an on the 'hone ha! sai! that in the +or*sho' I
+o$%! &in! #y 0botto# %ine0 an! that +o$%! co#'%ete%y
c$re #e" I# )%a! ;en !i!nt hear that9
B$t in the #a8e o& a%% these 'ossibi%ities, so #any o&
the# $n'ro(en, I *ee' co#in) bac* to one thin),
+hether its choice o& 'hysica% treat#ent or choice o&
'sycho%o)ica% +or* 2 the in!i(i!$a%s #$st tr$st
the#se%(es in #a*in) a choice an! ne(er %et the#se%(es
be coerce! or $n!$%y in&%$ence! by the 're&erences o&
others" I +ant to he%' 'eo'%e &ee% e#'o+ere! to say 0No,
thats not &or #e0 or 0No, yo$re not the thera'ist &or
#e0 +itho$t a%+ays bein) a&rai! that so#e sort o&
$ne1a#ine! resistance #i)ht $n!er%ie their choice" My
#essa)e is si#'%e, b$t har!/+on- Tr$st yo$rse%&, tr$st
yo$r 'sychic i##$ne syste#" Ta*e ti#e to &in! yo$r
center, the so%i! )ro$n! insi!e yo$r bein), !o +hat
+or*s &or yo$ to stay in to$ch, +hether its #e!itation or
(is$a%i8ation or acti(e i#a)inin) or thera'y or +a%*s in
the +oo!s or .o$rna% +ritin) or !rea# ana%ysis or si#'%y
'racticin) #in!&$%ness in yo$r !ai%y %i&e" Listen to
yo$rse%&, an! ta*e yo$r o+n best a!(ice9
6o!, I cant be%ie(e the state o& #in! I +as in +hen I
#a!e !ecisions in #y ear%y !ays +ith cancer 2 the
'ress$re, the &ear, the &rantic &ee%in), the con&$sion, the
%ac* o& *no+%e!)e 2 an! I %oo* bac* in +on!er at ho+ I
#otore! ahea!, bein) stron), b$t not ta*in) the ti#e to
!e(e%o' a re%ationshi' +ith #y o+n inner +is!o# an!
th$s co#'%ete%y #issin) the sense o& ca%# an! 'eace
that I &ee% no+"
October :0
An! ho+ are the en8y#es +or*in)< =antastic9
accor!in) to Dr" 6on8a%ess 0&$nny %itt%e test"0 An! a'art
&ro# the tire!ness, I &ee% >$ite )oo!, >$ite .oy&$%" Most o&
the ti#e, that is9
No+, the (ie+ &ro# the other si!e is not so )oo!" A%%
o& #y cancer #ar*ers are $' in the %ast si1 +ee*s so #y
onco%o)ist or!ere! another CAT scan .$st recent%y" He
ca%%e! ear%y one #ornin) to re'ort that a%% the t$#ors
ha! )ro+n abo$t C0Q, +o$%! +e '%ease co#e in
i##e!iate%y to !isc$ss the o'tions< I !i!nt rea%%y 'anic
4+e%%, a %itt%e " " "5 since I +ante! to ta%* to Dr" 6on8a%es
&irst an! I re#e#bere! +hat a +o#an I s'o*e to ha!
sai! abo$t her bone scans" 0They %oo* +orse than +hen I
starte! the 'ro)ra#,0 she sai!" 0My !octors !ont *no+
+hat to thin* o& it""" " I ha! tre#en!o$s bone 'ain at the
be)innin) an! no+ I ha(e no 'ain, so I be%ie(e +hat
sho+s on the CAT scan is the hea%in) reaction Dr"
6on8a%es ta%*s abo$t"0 Than* )oo!ness +e reache! hi#
that (ery #ornin)" He +as >$ite ca%# an! con&ir#e!
that he tho$)ht this +as a%so ha''enin) to #e, that the
en8y#es +ere eatin) the cancer an! the i##$ne
syste# +as thro+in) a%% sorts o& thin)s into the batt%e,
%i*e #acro'ha)es, etc" A CAT scan 'ic*s $' acti(ity, he
sai!, an! it cant !i&&erentiate bet+een )ro+th, a hea%in)
reaction, or e(en scar tiss$e" 0At %east once a +ee*,0 he
sai!, 0I ha(e to ta%* one o& #y 'atients o$t o& s$r)ery or
che#othera'y beca$se their test res$%ts are +orse"0 He
as*e! #e i& #y sy#'to#s +ere any +orse" I sai! no, not
rea%%y, certain%y nothin) at a%% noticeab%e, +hich +as
reass$rin) since t$#or )ro+th o& C0Q sho$%! #a*e #e
&ee% so#ethin)" 0O;,0 I sai!, 0I s$re ho'e yo$re ri)ht"
B$t I# not )oin) to co$nt on it or )et #y ho'es $' $nti%
yo$ see the CAT scans yo$rse%& an! say yo$ sti%% thin* its
a hea%in) reaction"0
;en an! I !ashe! o&& to %oo* at the CAT scans, they
%oo*e! terrib%e, b$t e(erythin) %oo*e! +orse to ro$)h%y
the sa#e !e)ree, +hich +o$%! see# to s$''ort Dr"
6on8a%ess inter'retation, an! there +as no increase!
!is'%ace#ent in the brain 4beca$se o& the %ar)e t$#or
an! s+e%%in) in #y ri)ht brain, it has '$she! the %e&t si!e
a bit o$t o& '%ace5" My sy#'to#s are re%ati(e%y #inor 2
+a(iness in the %e&t >$arter o& #y %e&t eye +hich #a*es
#e a %itt%e con&$se! at ti#es abo$t +hats there in #y
'eri'hera% (ision, occasiona% s%i)ht hea!aches, a stran)e
&ee%in) o& &$%%ness a&ter #e!itation 4so I s'en! #ore ti#e
!oin) yo)a5 or a&ter sittin) sti%% &or a+hi%e +hi%e rea!in),
an occasiona% sense o& bein) s%i)ht%y o$t o& ba%ance or
!isoriente!" I so#eti#es ha(e intense 'ain in the bac* o&
#y eyes, +hich I attrib$te to the s+e%%in)" Since I(e
starte! s%ee'in) on #ore 'i%%o+s, ho+e(er, this 'rob%e#
has a%#ost co#'%ete%y )one a+ay"
We ca%%e! Dr" 6on8a%es a&ter he ha! %oo*e! at the
CAT scans an! he con&ir#e! his initia% o'inion abo$t
+hat they act$a%%y sho+e!" He sai! he ca%%e! in the
ra!io%o)ist, +ho has seen this #any ti#es, an! the
ra!io%o)ist !e&inite%y tho$)ht, base! on his 'rior
e1'erience +ith this sit$ation, that +hat %oo*e! %i*e
)ro+th +as act$a%%y an in&%a##atory reaction !$e to
t$#or necrosis 4or !eath5"
So Dr" 6on8a%es a!(ise! #e to carry on an! I !eci!e!
2 es'ecia%%y since #y other o'tions are so co#'%ete%y
$nin(itin) 4contin$o$s che#othera'y, basica%%y, tho$)h
!i&&erent !r$)s co$%! be $se!5 2 that this +as +orth a
shot" Dr", 6on8a%es ta%*s con&i!ent%y abo$t the 'ossibi%ity
o& a c$re, too, so its +orth the ris* to #e" In &act, I !ont
see it as ris*in) #$ch to t$rn !o+n a treat#ent that on%y
'ro#ises #e so#e #onths an! +hich I *no+ +i%% #a*e
#e &ee% not so )reat" We%% !o another CAT scan in #i!/
Dece#ber, a&ter I(e been on the 'ro)ra# c%ose to si1
#onths" Dr" 6on8a%es says M0/@0Q o& his 'atients sho+
an i#'ro(e#ent on CAT scans a&ter si1 #onths" It +o$%!
certain%y be a nice Christ#as 'resent to )et that *in! o&
ne+s9
I to%! Dr" 6on8a%es I a!#ire! hi# &or stic*in) his nec*
o$t %i*e this, it certain%y !e#onstrates his &aith in the
'ro)ra#" Michae% Lerner recent%y to%! #e that theres
so#ethin) o& a 6on8a%es boo# )oin) on aro$n! the
co$ntry these !ays since both 7atric* Mc6ra!y an!
Michae% Schacter in Ne+ 3or* are reco##en!in) hi#"
Michae% a%so sai! he! hear! nothin) ne)ati(e abo$t hi#
so &ar an!, a%tho$)h ;e%%ey hi#se%& see#e! a
co#bination o& char%atan an! hea%er, he #et #any
'eo'%e in s#a%% to+ns in Cana!a +ho )ot +e%% on the
;e%%ey 'ro)ra#"
The en8y#es sti%% #a*e #e &ee% tire!" I !e&inite%y %oo*
&or+ar! to cyc%in) o&& o& the# t+ice a #onth 4I !o ten
!ays on, then &i(e !ays o&& ta*in) no en8y#es or
(ita#ins to )i(e #y bo!y a rest5" I &ee% 'retty )oo! on
!ay &i(e9
A%tho$)h there are t+o +o#en at CSC +ho ha(e !one
+e%% on contin$o$s che#othera'y 2 so#ethin) %i*e
t+enty #onths an! t+enty/&o$r #onths 2 they both %oo*
%i*e their constit$tions are stron)er than #ine" I .$st
ha(e a sense its not the ri)ht a''roach &or #e" I si#'%y
!ont %i*e the i!ea o& )ettin) +ea*er an! +ea*er each
#onth 2 e(en i& I &ee% re%ati(e%y +e%%, c%ear%y #y bo!y +i%%
be ta*in) a beatin) an! )ettin) )ro$n! !o+n a bit #ore
each ti#e" I re#e#ber ho+ #$ch +orse #y si1th
che#othera'y treat#ent +as co#'are! to the &irst" I#
.$st )%a! theres another o'tion o$t there that #i)ht
+or* an! that I ha(e so#e con&i!ence in" I al%ays
re#in! #yse%&, ho+e(er, that there are no c%ear
statistics abo$t this, that it #ay not +or* in s'ite o&
6on8a%ess con&i!ence 4Dr" Schee& so$n!e! (ery
con&i!ent too5, an! that the !an)er is in be)innin) to
c%in) to or co$nt on so#e *in! o& 'ositi(e o$tco#e, +hat
+i%% be +i%% be"
It %oo*s %i*e I%% be )oin) on o1y)en soon to he%' #y
%$n)s" More on that in a #o#ent" " " "
Mean+hi%e, to t$rn to #ore tri(ia% #atters, #y hair is
)ro+in) in b$t (ery, (ery s%o+%y" The co#bination o&
ra!iation an! che#othera'y s%o+s the +ho%e 'rocess
!o+n" I +o$%!nt #in!, rea%%y, e1ce't &or this %ar)e area
on the to' o& #y hea! +here the hair is )ro+in) in >$ite
s'arse%y" This is the area +here the ra!iation &ro# each
si!e o(er%a's so the s*in )ets, in e&&ect, t+ice as #$ch
ra!iation as e%se+here on yo$r hea!" They can correct
&or this near the en! o& the treat#ents, b$t by the ti#e I
re#e#bere! to as* it +as too %ate, I on%y ha! one
treat#ent to )o" I !ont $n!erstan! +hy correctin) &or
this isnt stan!ar!, I #ean, 'eo'%e +ho ha(e brain
ra!iation ha(e eno$)h to )o thro$)h +itho$t a%so ha(in)
to !ea% +ith a %ar)e ba%!in) s'ot" I ha(e eno$)h hair
e%se+here to )o +itho$t a scar& or hat, b$t the thin area
bothers #e so I $s$a%%y +ear a baseba%% ca' to co(er it" I&
I s$r(i(e an! i& this contin$es to be a 'rob%e#, I%%
serio$s%y consi!er !oin) +hat a co$'%e o& #y #a%e
&rien!s ha(e !one Fhair trans'%antG9
I contin$e to ta%* to 'eo'%e +ho ha(e cancer on the
'hone, +hich is a bitters+eet '%eas$re 2 I en.oy )i(in)
the# a chance to ta%*, I en.oy sharin) any insi)hts o&
#ine that see# re%e(ant, b$t #y heart brea*s to hear
their stories 2 sin)%e #others, h$sban!s +ho(e %e&t, ten
years c%ear an! s$!!en%y a rec$rrence, ha''y %i(es
constricte! an! contorte! 4an! in #any cases !ee'ene!5
by this !isease" Late%y #any o& the# ca%% to as* #y
o'inion o& the Ian*er ;%ini*" This is a har! one to ans+er
beca$se I )reat%y res'ect Dr" Schee& b$t, a%tho$)h I cant
say anythin) !e&inite abo$t the en8y#es yet, Dr"
Schee&s 'ro)ra# is sti%% che#othera'y, sti%% >$ite to1ic,
an! !oesnt $s$a%%y res$%t in a c$re" A%so, a%tho$)h the
res$%ts I )ot +ere %ess than +e ha! ho'e! &or, Schee&
+as not ab%e to !o his nor#a% 'ro)ra# +ith #e beca$se
o& #y co%!" Then o& co$rse yo$ ha(e to consi!er the
e1'ense an! stress an! ti#e in(o%(e! in )oin) to
6er#any &or so %on), an! yo$ better ha(e a s$''ort
'erson as shar' as ;en or yo$re rea%%y in tro$b%e" When
a%% these e%e#ents are &actore! in, #y en!orse#ent
co#es o$t rather %$*e+ar#" Dr" 6on8a%es says they !o
)oo! +or* b$t he +o$%! on%y reco##en! s$ch an
e1tre#e a''roach i& so#eone on%y ha! three or &o$r
#onths %e&t, i"e" to b$y ti#e &or another treat#ent
4'res$#ab%y his95"
I ha! so#e +on!er&$% #assa)es +hi%e in As'en, b$t
+hat I es'ecia%%y %i*e! is the 'rayer Ianet be)an +ith
each ti#e 4she is a &or#er n$n5" It is &ro# the Bahai
tra!ition, the short hea%in) 'rayer, an! it )oes %i*e this-
Thy na#e is #y hea%in) O #y 6o!,
Re#e#brance o& Thee is #y re#e!y,
Nearness to Thee is #y ho'e,
Lo(e &or Thee is #y co#'anion"
Thy #ercy to #e is #y hea%in) an! #y s$ccor
In both this +or%! an! the +or%! to co#e"
Tho$ art (eri%y the a%% bo$nti&$%,
The a%% *no+in),
The a%% +ise"
0S$rren!er to 6o!0 contin$es to be #y #antra o&
re#e#brance" Ra#ana Maharshi says 0S$rren!er to Hi#
an! acce't His +i%% +hether He a''ears or (anishes"
A+ait His '%eas$re" I& yo$ +ant Hi# to !o as yo$ +ant, it
is not s$rren!er b$t co##an!" 3o$ cannot as* Hi# to
obey yo$ an! yet thin* yo$ ha(e s$rren!ere!"""" Lea(e
e(erythin) entire%y $' to Hi#" """0 I &in! that the #ore I
e1'%ore this >$a%ity o& s$rren!er in #yse%& 2 +hich I $se!
to consi!er >$ite +ea* 2 the #ore I see that it %ea!s #e
to the sa#e '%ace as 'racticin) e>$ani#ity, acce'tin)
thin)s as they are +itho$t tryin) to contro% or chan)e
the#" Once a)ain, B$!!his# has he%'e! stri' a+ay
so#e o& #y reacti(ity to Christian ter#ino%o)y so I can
reco)ni8e the co##on tr$ths an! teachin)s"
I rea%%y %i*e the 0a%+ays a%rea!y0 >$a%ity o& Ra#ana
Maharshis teachin)" That +e are a%+ays, a%rea!y
en%i)htene!, a%+ays, a%rea!y one +ith Se%&, a%+ays
a%rea!y one +ith A%% S'ace" He says-
07eo'%e +i%% not $n!erstan! the bare an! si#'%e tr$th
2 the tr$th o& their e(ery!ay, e(er 'resent an! eterna%
a+areness" That is the tr$th o& the Se%&" Is there any one
not a+are o& the Se%&< 3et, they !o not e(en %i*e to hear
o& it, +hereas they are ea)er to *no+ +hat %ies beyon! 2
hea(en an! he%% an! reincarnation" Beca$se they %o(e
#ystery an! not the '%ain tr$th, re%i)ions 'a#'er the# 2
on%y to brin) the# ro$n! to the Se%& in the en!"
Moreo(er, #$ch as yo$ #ay +an!er yo$ #$st ret$rn
$%ti#ate%y to the Se%&, so +hy not abi!e in the Se%& here
an! no+<
0B$t 6race is there a%% a%on)" 6race is the Se%&" It is
not so#ethin) to be ac>$ire!" A%% that is necessary is to
reco)ni8e its e1istence" " " "
0I& rea%i8ation is not eterna% it is not +orth ha(in)"
There&ore, +hat +e see* is not so#ethin) that #$st
be)in to e1ist b$t on%y +hat is eterna% an! 'resent ri)ht
no+, 'resent as yo$r o+n a+areness"0
E&&ort- 0One )oes thro$)h a%% sorts o& a$sterities to
beco#e +hat one a%rea!y is" A%% e&&ort is si#'%y to )et ri!
o& the #ista*en i#'ression that one is %i#ite! an! bo$n!
by the +oes o& samsara 4this %i&e5"
0No+ it is i#'ossib%e &or yo$ to be +itho$t e&&ort"
When yo$ )o !ee'er, it is i#'ossib%e &or yo$ to #a*e
e&&ort"0
October 20
I recent%y co#'%ete! #y secon! 0C%ean S+ee'0 an!
0Li(er =%$sh"0 Aery interestin) to &%$sh o$t ba! thin)s
%$r*in) in #y co%on an! #y )a%% b%a!!er9 This is 'art o&
the ;e%%ey 'ro)ra#, an! since n$#ero$s &rien!s ha(e
e1'resse! interest in !oin) the t+o c%eansin) 'ro)ra#s,
I# inc%$!in) the instr$ctions an! in&or#ation on +here
yo$ can or!er +hat yo$ nee!" =or #e the C%ean S+ee'
be)an as a 'rocess +here &or #onths I o&ten 'asse!
+hat they ca%% 0#$c$s ro'es0 or strin)s in #y stoo%s" The
&irst ti#e I !i! the Li(er =%$sh it +as a &ai%$re, I thin*
beca$se I !i!nt !rin* a''%e .$ice" The secon! ti#e I
$''e! #y ins$%in &or the &i(e !ays so I co$%! eat a %ot o&
a''%es, an! $%ti#ate%y 'asse! thirty %ar)e )a%%stones
4'ea to %ar)e )arban8o bean si8e5 an! +e%% o(er thirty
s#a%%er ones" An!, yes, theyre !istincti(e%y )reen .$st
%i*e I(e a%+ays hear! b$t ne(er seen9 A %ot o& 'eo'%e
thin* e(eryone sho$%! !o each o& these once a year to
#aintain co%on hea%th" At the en! o& this 'rocess I .o*e!
to ;en 0My %i&e has been re!$ce! to e1a#inin) #y
stoo%s90
As &or ;en, he !oes a%#ost e(erythin) &or #e no+,
#e in #y %itt%e o%! %a!y #o!e" Hes here &or #e in e(ery
+ay" He%% be e#barrasse! by this b$t I *ee' ca%%in) hi#
0#y cha#'ion"0 He coo*s &or #e, he +atches o(er #e,
he ta*es care o& #y !iet, he )ets #e to the !octors, he
he%'s #e +ith #y ins$%in, he e(en he%'s bathe #e +hen
I# tire!" He )ets $' at &i(e each #ornin) so he can
#e!itate be&ore he !e(otes the rest o& the !ay to
he%'in) #e" So#ethin) rea%%y +on!er&$% is ha''enin) in
his #e!itation" When he sai! to #e that he ha! %earne!
ho+ to ser(e, his actions are 'ro(in) it roya%%y9 When I
te%% hi# ho+ sorry I a# that cancer has 0r$ine!0 his
career, he %oo*s at #e +ith his bi) bro+ns an! says, 0I#
the %$c*iest )$y in the +or%!"0 What a s+eetie9 Ho+s the
rest o& #y bo!y !oin)<
Treya !i!nt ha(e a chance to &inish the %etter, beca$se
she ha! )one b%in! in her %e&t eye" Ri)ht abo$t the ti#e that
she +ent on o1y)en, I be)an noticin) that she !i!nt
res'on! +e%% to thin)s in her %e&t (is$a% &ie%!" Tests
con&ir#e! it- the t$#ors in her brain +ere a&&ectin) the
o'tic center, an! Treya ha!, 'robab%y 'er#anent%y, %ost a%%
(ision in her %e&t eye"
Whether the !a#a)e +as !$e to )ro+in) t$#or or !yin)
t$#or, +e co$%!nt te%%" O& co$rse, the ortho!o1 sai!
)ro+in), 6on8a%es sai! !yin)" B$t &or the #o#ent, that
+asnt the 'oint, either +ay, the brain, not the %$n)s, ha!
beco#e o$r i##e!iate concern, either +ay, the #ass in the
brain +as e1'an!in)" Treya starte! ta*in) Deca!ron, a
'o+er&$% steroi! that +o$%! contro% the brain s+e%%in) &or
'erha's a #onth or t+o" At the en! o& that ti#e, it +o$%!
cease bein) e&&ecti(e" At the en! o& that ti#e, Treyas brain
tiss$e +o$%! contin$e bein) s#ashe! an! !estroye!" Ra'i!
%oss o& &$nction +o$%! ens$e, an! the 'ain +o$%! )ro+
$nbearab%e, #a*in) contin$o$s #or'hine !e%i(ery a
necessity"
It +as no+ a si#'%e race a)ainst ti#e" I& the en8y#es
+ere +or*in), they +o$%! ha(e to be)in to t$rn the
sit$ation aro$n! +ithin a #onth or t+o" An! Treyas bo!y
+o$%! ha(e to be ab%e to !is'ose o& the +astes in the brain,
+hether ca$se! by )ro+in) or !yin) t$#or ce%%s, beca$se i&
not, the 'ress$re b$i%!$' in the brain +o$%! *i%%"
Treya %istene! to a%% this bein) e1'%aine! 2 in the sa#e
!ry ter#s I ha(e re'eate! 2 an! !i!nt b%in* once" 0I& this is
a race,0 she &ina%%y sai!, 0then %ets )et )oin)"0
O$tsi!e the !octors o&&ice, I e1'ecte! Treya to react,
'erha's cry" B$t she .$st '$t her %itt%e o1y)en tan* on, )ot
in the car, s#i%e! at #e an! sai!, 0Ho#e, Ia#es"0
Beca$se Treya +as no+ on o1y)en a%#ost contin$o$s%y,
inc%$!in) !$rin) s%ee', +e ha! her hoo*e! $' to a &i&ty/&oot/
%on) tether connecte! to the %ar)e o1y)en barre%" There
+ere no+ si1ty s'ots on her %$n)s 4ne+ s'ots or o%! s#a%%
ones &%arin) $' !$e to en8y#es<5, her %i(er +as s+e%%in) $',
an! no+ ha! '$she! a%#ost entire%y across her ab!o#en,
cra#'in) her intestines 4ne+ %i(er cancer, or in&%a##atory
reaction<5, the 'ress$re on her brain +as s%o+%y increasin),
she sti%% ha! to chec* her b%oo! s$)ar &i(e or si1 ti#es a
!ay, an! )i(e herse%& ins$%in shots, she ha! to ta*e one
h$n!re! t+enty 'i%%s a !ay, )i(e herse%& si1 ene#as, +a*e
herse%& $' in the #i!!%e o& the ni)ht &or #ore 'i%%s an!
ene#as" An! there she +as, each !ay, )ettin) on her
+a%*er #achine an! +a%*in) t+o or three #i%es, o1y)en %ine
o(er her sho$%!er, Mo8art b%arin) in the bac*)ro$n!"
Her !octor +as ri)ht- she ha! no se%&/'ity, not an o$nce"
She ha! no intention o& )i(in) $', o& &ee%in) sorry &or
herse%&, o& bac*in) o&& in the %east" She +asnt a&rai! o&
!yin), by no+ I +as con(ince! o& that" B$t she +asnt abo$t
to ro%% o(er an! '%ay !ea!, either"
We ta%*e! abo$t a (ery &a#o$s Len *oan that her
attit$!e re#in!e! #e o&" A st$!ent as*e! a Len Master,
0What is abso%$te tr$th<0 An! the Len Master sai! on%y,
0Wa%* on90
It +as !$rin) this 'erio! that Treya an! I see#e! to
!e(e%o' a )en$ine%y 'sychic bon!, an! by 0'sychic0 I #ean
'aranor#a% 4ES75" I 'ersona%%y !ont '$t a %ot o& store in
'sychic e(ents 'er se" 4The 0'sychic %e(e%,0 as I $se the
ter#, si#'%y in!icates the be)innin) !i#ensions o& the
trans'ersona% !o#ain, +hich #ay or #ay not in(o%(e act$a%
'sychic e(ents, b$t they ha(e nothin) to !o +ith its
!e&inition"5 I# s$re they e1ist, they .$st !ont interest #e
#$ch, an! in any e(ent they ha(e %itt%e to !o +ith
#ysticis# 'er se, an! the char%atan 0'sychics0 ha(e )i(en
the +ho%e &ie%! a ba! na#e" So I# a %itt%e re%$ctant to
re'ort a%% this"
B$t by this ti#e e(ery o$nce o& #y ener)y, e(ery secon!
o& #y ti#e, +as &or Treya" I be)an to antici'ate her e(ery
nee!, so #$ch so that I see#e! to int$it her nee!s or
!esires be&ore she s'o*e the#, an! so#eti#es, accor!in)
to her, be&ore she tho$)ht the#" 0Co$%! yo$ #a*e #e a
three/#in$te e))<0 0Its a%rea!y in 'ro)ress, s+eetheart"0
0To!ay I thin* I nee! se(enteen $nits o& ins$%in"0 0Its ri)ht
there by yo$r %e)"0 That ty'e o& thin)" We both notice! it,
ta%*e! abo$t it" 7erha's it +as .$st a series o& %i)htnin)/&ast,
s$bconscio$s, %o)ica% !e!$ctions 2 the stan!ar! e#'iricist
re'%y 2 b$t too #any o& the instances +ere i%%o)ica% an!
$n'rece!ente!" No, so#ethin) +as )oin) on" A%% I *no+ is
that it &e%t %i*e there +as .$st one #in!, an! one heart, in
that ho$se"
An! +hy sho$%! that s$r'rise #e<
Treya +as 'retty #$ch con&ine! to the ho$se by then, so
+e ha! her ac$'$nct$rist #a*e ho$se ca%%s" His na#e +as
Warren Be%%o+s, an! he +or*e! in con.$nction +ith Michae%
Bro&&#an" Warren +as an o%! &rien! o& Treyas &ro#
=in!horn +ho +as no+ %i(in) in Bo$%!er" Warren +as a
)o!sen!" Wise, )ent%e, carin), +ith a 'ositi(e%y +ar'e!
sense o& h$#or 2 so#ethin) &or each o& $s" This +as
cr$cia%%y i#'ortant, beca$se Treyas treat#ents too* $' to
t+o ho$rs !ai%y" It +as a%so i#'ortant to #e, beca$se these
t+o ho$rs +ere the on%y ti#e I ha! to ta*e care o& any
'ersona% b$siness"
One e(enin) as Warren +as +or*in) +ith Treya, she
be)an to &ee% e1tre#e%y i%% 4not beca$se o&, b$t in s'ite o&,
the ac$'$nct$re5" She ha! horrib%e hea!aches, her +ho%e
bo!y +as sha*in), she +as ha(in) (is$a% 'rob%e#s in her
)oo! eye" I ca%%e! 6on8a%es at ho#e" He ha! seen a%% the
%atest e(i!ence, an! he an! his associates, a%% traine!
'hysicians, contin$e! to be o& the stron)est o'inion that a%%
o& Treyas sy#'to#s +ere consonant +ith t$#or !ecay an!
in&%a##ation" She +as ha(in) a to1ic reaction he sai!" Ta*e
se(era% ene#as, +or* +ith the ac$'$nct$re, ta*e an E'so#
sa%t bath 2 anythin) to he%' c%eanse the bo!y o$t a %itt%e"
Treya &e%t better .$st ta%*in) to hi#"
I !i! not &ee% better" I ca%%e! the e#er)ency roo# at
Bo$%!er Me!ica% an! as*e! the# to set $' an e#er)ency
brain scan, an! ca%%e! her %oca% onco%o)ist an! as*e! hi# to
be rea!y" Treya contin$e! to !eteriorate, an!, &earin) a
brain sei8$re, I stra''e! the o1y)en on her an! r$she! her
to the ER" =i&teen #in$tes %ater she +as on hi)h !oses o&
Deca!ron an! #or'hine" The s+e%%in) in her brain +as o$t
o& contro%, an!, in!ee! she +o$%! ha(e soon )one into
con($%sions"
A &e+ !ays %ater, on No(e#ber :0, +ith e(eryones
a)ree#ent 4inc%$!in) Nic*s5, Treya +ent in &or brain
s$r)ery to ha(e the %ar)e #ass re#o(e!"
Her !octors to%! her she +o$%! be in the hos'ita% &or at
%east &i(e !ays, #aybe #ore" Three !ays %ater, +ith her %itt%e
o1y)en tan* stra''e! on her bac* an! her M$et8e on her
hea!, she +a%*e! o$t o& the hos'ita%, an!, at her insistence,
+e &orth+ith +a%*e! se(era% b%oc*s to the Wran)%er
resta$rant &or a barbec$e chic*en" The +aitress as*e! i& she
+as a #o!e% 2 03o$ are so bea$ti&$%90 2 an! +here !i! she
)et that %o(e%y ca'< Treya +hi''e! o$t her )%$coscan
#eter, chec*e! her b%oo! s$)ar, )a(e herse%& an ins$%in
shot, an! 'o%ishe! o&& the chic*en"
The brain s$r)ery %e&t Treya, not so #$ch in 'ain, as in
)enera% an! o&ten a)oni8in) bo!y !isco#&ort" B$t she st$c*
to her 'ro)ra# +ith 'assionate e>$ani#ity- the 'i%%s, the
ene#as, the ins$%in, the !iet, the c%ean s+ee's, an! the
%i(er &%$shes" An! each !ay, on her +a%*er, cran*in) o$t the
#i%es, o1y)en %ine behin! her"
The s$r)ery a%so %e&t her (irt$a%%y b%in!" She co$%! sti%%
see o$t o& her ri)ht eye, b$t her entire (is$a% &ie%! +as
&ra)#ente!" She trie! to !o so#e o& her art +or*, b$t she
co$%!nt coor!inate the %ines, the res$%ts %oo*e! %i*e
so#ethin) I #i)ht co#e $' +ith" 0Not so )oo!, h$h<0 is a%%
she sai!"
What she !i!nt %i*e, ho+e(er, +as that she co$%! no
%on)er rea! her s'irit$a% boo*s" So I )ot &%ash car!s an! in
%ar)e bo%! %etters +rote o$t !o8ens o& her &a(orite 0'ith0
'hrases &ro# her &a(orite teachin)s" Thin)s %i*e 0A%%o+ the
se%& to $ncoi% in the (ast e1'anse o& a%% s'ace,0 an!, (ery
si#'%y, 0Who a# I<0 These car!s she carrie! +ith her
e(ery+here, an! I +o$%! see her, at (ario$s ti#es o& the
!ay, sittin) an! s#i%in) an! s%o+%y rea!in) her car!s,
#o(in) the# aro$n! in her (is$a% &ie%!, +aitin) &or the %ines
to s%o+%y &or# reco)ni8ab%e +or!s"
We no+ ha! %ess than a #onth be&ore the Deca!ron
+o$%! +ear o&&" =a#i%y an! &rien!s, ass$#in) she +as
!yin), a%% ca#e by" The ha%& o& #e that ass$#e! she +as
!yin) +ante! !es'erate%y to see ;a%$ Rin'oche, 0o$r0
teacher" Treya +ante! #e to see hi#, too, (ery #$ch, an!
so she *e't a sti&& $''er %i' as she enco$ra)e! #e to )o,
on%y to +rite in her .o$rna% the !ay I %e&t- 0I# so #iserab%e,
I# so $nha''y, I h$rt so #$ch" I& I te%% hi# that he +o$%!nt
%ea(e" I %o(e hi# so #$ch 2 !oes he *no+ ho+ #$ch I %o(e
hi#<0
I +as )one &or three !ays, Lin!a staye! +ith Treya" The
ha%& o& #e that tho$)ht Treya +as !yin) +ante! to
reestab%ish o$r %in* +ith this e1traor!inary an! en%i)htene!
an! )ent%e #an" A%% o& the )reat +is!o# tra!itions #aintain
that the act$a% #o#ent o& !eath is an e1tre#e%y i#'ortant
an! 'recio$s o''ort$nity, an! &or this reason- At the
#o#ent o& !eath, the 'erson has !ro''e! the )ross
'hysica% bo!y, an! there&ore the hi)her !i#ensions 2 the
s$bt%e an! the ca$sa% 2 i##e!iate%y &%ash in the !ecease!s
a+areness" I& the 'erson can reco)ni8e these hi)her an!
s'irit$a% !i#ensions, then the 'erson can ac*no+%e!)e
i##e!iate en%i)hten#ent, an! !o so #$ch #ore easi%y
than +hen in the !ense an! obstr$ctin) 'hysica% bo!y"
I%% be (ery s'eci&ic here, beca$se this is e1act%y the ty'e
o& trainin) that Treya ha! been 'racticin) in 're'aration &or
her 'ossib%e !eath" This e1'%anation is base! on the Tibetan
syste#, +hich see#s to be the #ost co#'%ete, b$t it is in
essentia% a)ree#ent +ith the #ystica% tra!itions the +or%!
o(er"
The h$#an bein) has three #a.or %e(e%s or !i#ensions-
)ross 4the bo!y5, s$bt%e 4the #in!5, an! ca$sa% 4s'irit5"
D$rin) the !yin) 'rocess, the %o+er %e(e%s o& the 6reat
Chain !isso%(e &irst, startin) +ith the bo!y, startin) +ith
sensation an! 'erce'tion" When the bo!y !isso%(es 4ceases
&$nctionin)5, the s$bt%er !i#ensions o& #in! an! so$% co#e
to the &ore, an! then, at the act$a% #o#ent o& !eath, +hen
a%% %e(e%s !isso%(e, '$re ca$sa% S'irit &%ashes &orth in the
'ersons a+areness" I& the 'erson can reco)ni8e this S'irit
as his or her o+n tr$e nat$re, then en%i)hten#ent is
rea%i8e! on the s'ot, an! the 'erson ret$rns 'er#anent%y to
6o!hea!, as 6o!hea!"
I& reco)nition !oes not ta*e '%ace, then the 'erson 4the
so$%5 enters the inter#e!iate state, the 0bar!o,0 +hich is
sai! to %ast $' to a &e+ #onths" The s$bt%e %e(e% e#er)es,
an! then e(ent$a%%y the )ross %e(e% e#er)es, an! the
'erson is then reborn in a 'hysica% bo!y to be)in a ne+ %i&e,
ta*in) +ith the#, in their so$%, +hate(er +is!o# an! (irt$e
4b$t not s'eci&ic #e#ories5 they #ay ha(e acc$#$%ate! in
the 're(io$s %i&e"
Whate(er +e #i)ht thin* abo$t the notion o&
reincarnation or the bar!o or a&ter%i&e states, this #$ch
see#s certain- I& yo$ at a%% be%ie(e that so#e 'art o& yo$
'arta*es o& the !i(ine, i& yo$ at a%% be%ie(e that yo$ ha(e
access to so#e sort o& S'irit that transcen!s yo$r #orta%
bo!y in any sense, then the #o#ent o& !eath is cr$cia%,
beca$se at that 'oint the #orta% bo!y is )one, an! i& there
is anythin) that re#ains, that is the ti#e to &in! o$t, yes<
O& co$rse, near/!eath e1'eriences an! near/!eath
research see# to s$''ort this c%ai#" B$t a%% I +o$%! %i*e to
e#'hasi8e is that there are s'eci&ic #e!itation e1ercises
that 'recise%y rehearse this entire 'rocess o& !eath an!
!isso%$tion, an! these #e!itati(e e1ercises +ere e1act%y
+hat Treya +as 'racticin) +hen she !escribe! 0!isso%(in)
into a%% s'ace"0
I +ante! to reconnect +ith ;a%$ so #y o+n #in! #i)ht
be #ore rea!y to !isso%(e or e1'an! an! he%' Treya +ith
her o+n act$a% !isso%$tion, as she an! I ha! 'ractice!" The
tra!itions #aintain that an en%i)htene! teacher, since his or
her #in! is a%rea!y 0!isso%(e!0 or transcen!e!, can be o&
enor#o$s he%' in the !yin) 'rocess i& a connection is
estab%ishe! bet+een yo$r #in! an! the teachers #in!" I$st
bein) in the teachers 'resence can estab%ish this
connection, an! that is +hy I ha! )one to see ;a%$"
When I ret$rne!, Treya be)an )oin) thro$)h a 'erio! o&
tryin) to !ea% +ith her !isco#&ort, +hich at ti#es +as
se(ere, a)oni8in)" The s+e%%in) in her brain +as a%#ost
$nen!$rab%e, not on%y ca$sin) 'ain b$t +rea*in) ha(oc on
her e#otions" Sti%%, she !i!nt +ant any #e!ication 2 no
'ain*i%%ers, no tran>$i%i8ers 2 it +as .$st another !i' on the
ro%%er coaster ri!e" She +ante! to be c%ear so she co$%!
+itness, so she co$%! be a+are, an! a+are she re#aine!"
Aic*y an! ;ati ca#e to (isit $s" Late one ni)ht Treya
ca%%e! Aic*y into her roo#, an! &or the ne1t ho$r or t+o, in
the #ost a)oni8in) o& ter#s, !escribe! to Aic*y e1act%y
+hat +as )oin) on +ith her 2 the 'recise sensations, the
act$a% &ee%, o& ha(in) a brain t$#or s%o+%y !estroy a%%
nor#a% &$nctions, !etai% by )r$eso#e !etai%" It shoo* Aic*y
'ro&o$n!%y, +hen she ca#e !o+nstairs she +as sti%%
sha*in)"
0She +ants #e to *no+ +hat its %i*e, so I can better
+or* +ith other cancer 'atients )oin) thro$)h the sa#e
or!ea%" She .$st )a(e #e a 'recise #a' o& the +ho%e
'rocess so I can $se it +ith others, so I can ha(e #ore
$n!erstan!in) an! co#'assion &or +hat theyre )oin)
thro$)h, so I can he%' the# better" I !o not be%ie(e this"0
Treya +as !oin) (i'assana on her brain t$#or, an!
!escribin) the res$%ts to Aic*y so she co$%! $se it at CSC"
The a&tere&&ects o& the brain s$r)ery, co#bine! +ith the
contin$e! s+e%%in) o& the t$#ors in the %$n)s an! brain an!
%i(er, +ere ta*in) a terrib%e to%% on Treyas bo!y" An! yet she
#aintaine! her 'ro)ra# in a%% as'ects an!, yes, contin$e!
+a%*in) se(era% #i%es a !ay on her +a%*er" We contin$e! to
$' her o1y)en, +e contin$e! to $' her Deca!ron"
We co$%!nt )o ho#e &or Christ#as, so &a#i%y #e#bers,
a &e+ at a ti#e, ca#e to (isit $s o(er the ho%i!ays" When
Ra! an! S$e %e&t, they 'resse! this %etter into #y han!-
Dear Treya an! ;en,
3o$rs is a tr$e %o(e story" Many can share b%iss&$%
years to)ether +ith a %itt%e a!(ersity thro+n in, b$t yo$r
%i&e to)ether starte! +ith a #a.or 'rob%e# that has
a%#ost constant%y been +ith yo$" 3o$r a&&ection an!
!e(otion to each other is tr$%y re#ar*ab%e an! each !ay
re)ar!%ess o& the 'rob%e#s see# to )ro+ stron)er"
;en, +itho$t yo$ Treya +o$%! be co#'%ete%y %ost"
3o$r concern abo$t her hea%th, yo$r constant attention
to her nee!s, her aches an! 'ains 4an! her !o)s95 is a
so$rce o& constant co#&ort to her an! to $s" We an! she
co$%!nt ha(e 'ic*e! a better son/in/%a+"
We ho'e the cancer has been t$rne! an! yo$, Treya,
+i%% be bac* to nor#a% an! in )oo! hea%th" I& e(er anyone
!eser(es a &$%% reco(ery it is yo$" 3o$r attit$!e, yo$r
bra(ery, is an incre!ib%e ins'iration to a%% +ho ha(e been
in(o%(e! in yo$r i%%ness either by 'ersona% contact or
thro$)h yo$ an! yo$r %etters" No+ in a short ti#e +e &ee%
that yo$ +i%% be +or*in) +ith CSC an! a%% the #any other
or)ani8ations that yo$ ha(e been connecte! +ith that
ha(e as their ob.ecti(e #a*in) the +or%! a better an!
#ore $n!erstan!in) co##$nity" =or yo$, ;en, +e ho'e
that yo$ +i%% ha(e ti#e a)ain to '$rs$e yo$r +ritin) an!
scho%ar%y tho$)ht 4a %ot o& +hich +e !o not $n!erstan!95
an! )i(e to the +or%! yo$r insi)ht on the 'otentia% o& the
#in! an! so$%"
We ho'e o$r (isit has been o& so#e he%' an! as yo$
*no+ +e an! a%% the &a#i%y s$''ort yo$ both an! +i%%
!ro' any an! e(erythin) i& yo$ nee! $s" We *no+ this is
)oin) to be an $n$s$a% Christ#as b$t it is )oin) to be a
)oo! one 2 #aybe not a%% o& $s to)ether at the sa#e
ti#e b$t the start o& Treyas reco(ery"
Treya, +e %o(e yo$ as a 'erson an! as a !a$)hter"
;en, no one co$%! ha(e a better son/in/%a+ or one #ore
!e(ote! to their !a$)hter"
We she! a &e+ tears +hen +ritin) this beca$se +e
%o(e yo$ both (ery #$ch an! yo$ are a%+ays in o$r
tho$)hts"
We 'ray this is the !ar* be&ore the !a+n" 3o$(e
han!%e! this !rea!&$% i%%ness heroica%%y an! +e are so
'ro$! o& yo$" No one co$%! ha(e a #ore +on!er&$%
!a$)hter than yo$, Treya" An! ;en +i%% a%+ays be a
#e#ber o& o$r &a#i%y" Christ#as +ont be the sa#e
+itho$t yo$, b$t yo$%% be in o$r hearts"
A%% o$r %o(e,
Mo# an! Da!
On Ne+ 3ears Day, +hen +e +ere a%one, c$!!%in) on
the co$ch, Treya t$rne! to #e an! sai!, 0Honey, I thin* its
ti#e to sto'" I !ont +ant to )o on" Its not so #$ch that I
&ee% %i*e >$ittin), its that, e(en i& the en8y#es are +or*in),
they arent )oin) to +or* &ast eno$)h"0
In!ee!, the Deca!ron +as +earin) o&&, an! no #atter
ho+ #$ch +e trie! to a!.$st the !osa)e, +e co$%!nt )et it
to +or* (ery +e%%" Her !isco#&ort, e(en a)ony, +as
increasin) !ai%y, an! it certain%y +o$%! )et #$ch, #$ch
+orse be&ore, an! i&, it e(er )ot better"
0I%% s$''ort yo$ a%% the +ay, s+eetie" I$st te%% #e +hat
yo$ +ant, te%% #e +hat yo$ nee!"0
0Do yo$ thin* I ha(e any chance at a%%<0
I *ne+ Treya ha! a%rea!y #a!e $' her #in!, an! as +as
a%+ays the case +hen that ha! ha''ene!, she +ante! #e
to )et behin! her a%% the +ay, not ha))%e" 0It !oesnt %oo*
)oo!, !oes it<0 We +ere >$iet &or a %on) ti#e" 0I s$''ose I!
say, %ets )i(e it one #ore +ee*" I$st in case" 3o$ *no+, the
brain t$#or they re#o(e! +as E0Q !ea! tiss$e, the
en8y#es are ha(in) a !e&inite e&&ect, there #i)ht sti%% be a
chance" B$t yo$(e )ot to !eci!e" I$st te%% #e +hat yo$
+ant, an! +e%% !o it"0
She %oo*e! !irect%y at #e" 0O;, one #ore +ee*" I can !o
that" One #ore +ee*"0
Treya +as (ery c%ear, (ery %$ci!" We ta%*e! in a #atter/
o&/&act +ay, a%#ost !etache! an! a%oo&, not beca$se +e
!i!nt care, b$t beca$se +e ha! been thro$)h a%% this so
#any ti#es be&ore, +e ha! '%aye! this scene o$t in o$r
#in!s a h$n!re! ti#es"
We )ot $' an! starte! to )o $'stairs, an!, &or the &irst
ti#e e(er, Treya !i! not ha(e the stren)th to +a%* $' the
stairs" She sat !o+n on the &irst ste', an! !ro''e! her
o1y)en %ine, an! be)an so&t%y cryin)" I 'ic*e! her $' in #y
ar#s, an! be)an carryin) her $' the stairs"
0Oh, honey """ I ha! ho'e! it +o$%! ne(er co#e to this, I
!i!nt +ant it to co#e to this, I +ante! to be ab%e to +a%*
#yse%&,0 she sai!, an! b$rie! her hea! in #y sho$%!er"
0I thin* its the #ost ro#antic thin) in the +or%!" 3o$!
ne(er %et #e !o this $n!er any other circ$#stances, so
co#e on, %et #e carry #y )ir% $' the stairs"0
57ou trust him65 , as! Treya3
5, thin! so35
Treya *e't her +or!, an! &or one +ee* '$she! thro$)h
the e1tre#e an! ra'i!%y )ro+in), e(en a%ar#in), a)ony 2
an! staye! ri)ht +ith her 'ro)ra#, e(ery sin)%e e1ha$stin)
!etai% o& it" An! re&$se! #or'hine so she co$%! be #in!&$%
an! a+are an! 'resent" She he%! her hea! hi)h, an! she
s#i%e! o&ten 2 an! she +asnt &a*in) it" =or her it +as 0Wa%*
on90 An! in !oin) so, I can say +itho$t the %east
e1a))eration, she !e#onstrate! a co$ra)e an! an
en%i)htene! e>$ani#ity that I ha(e ne(er, e#er, seen
e>$a%e!, an! !o$bt I e(er +i%%"
The e(enin) that the +ee* en!e!, she sai! so&t%y, 0I#
)oin)"0 At this 'artic$%ar 'oint, a%% I sai! +as 0O;,0 an! I
'ic*e! her $' to carry her $'stairs"
0Wait, s+eetheart, I +ant to +rite so#ethin) in #y
.o$rna%"0 I )ot her .o$rna%, an! a 'en, an! in c%ear bo%!
+or!s she +rote- 0It ta*es )race, yes 2 an! )rit90
She %oo*e! at #e" 0Dn!erstan!<0
0I thin* so"0 I 'a$se! &or a %on) ti#e" It +asnt necessary
to say +hat I tho$)ht, she *ne+"
0Co#e on, )or)eo$s" Let #e carry #y )ir% $'stairs"0 The
nob%e 6oethe ha! a bea$ti&$% %ine- 0A%% thin)s ri'e +ant to
!ie"0 Treya +as ri'e, an! she +ante! to !ie" As I +atche!
her +rite that entry, +hat I +as thin*in), +hat I !i!nt ha(e
to say, +as- That s$##ari8es her entire %i&e" 6race an! )rit"
Bein) an! !oin)" E>$ani#ity an! 'assion" S$rren!er an!
+i%%" Tota% acce'tance an! &ierce !eter#ination" Those t+o
si!es o& her so$%, the t+o si!es she ha! +rest%e! +ith a%% her
%i&e, the t+o si!es that she ha! &ina%%y bro$)ht to)ether into
one har#onio$s +ho%e 2 that +as the %ast #essa)e she
+ante! to %ea(e" I ha! seen her brin) those t+o si!es
to)ether, I ha! seen that ba%ance! har#ony 'er(a!e a%%
as'ects o& her %i&e, I ha! seen that 'assionate e>$ani#ity
co#e to !e&ine her (ery so$%" Her one, #a.or, o(erri!in) %i&e
)oa%, she ha! acco#'%ishe!, an! that acco#'%ish#ent ha!
been br$ta%%y teste! in circ$#stances that +o$%! si#'%y
shatter a %esser rea%i8ation" She ha! !one that, she +as ri'e
+ith that +is!o#, an! she +ante! to !ie" I carrie! !earest
Treya $' the stairs &or the %ast ti#e"
22
For a Radiant Star
Da8e!, $ncertain, hesitatin),
Win)s sti%% !a#', bent, $n&o%!e!,
As i& sti%% #o%!e!
By !ar*ness, chan)e, con&$sion,
Bo$n! sti%%
In the e#'tie! chrysa%is"
The air stirs"
I tre#b%e,
=ee% sti%% +ithin that #o%!,
Sha'e! by a &or# I no+
Aa)$e%y sense
Is ho%%o+, e#'ty, s'ent,
Its +or* co#'%ete"
I on%y nee! to #o(e 2
One ste', another, tentati(e,
An! +ait"
=ee% the air !ry this stran)e ne+ &or#,
Watch tiss$e thin 'atterns o& )o%!, b%ac*, oran)e,
Dn&o%! into rea!iness,
Dn&$r% into o'enness,
As the air ta*es #e,
Li&ts #e
Into s$r'rise"
I *no+ not +hat to !o
3et )i!!y +ith instinct
Thro+ #yse%& o$t,
Ca$)ht by a c$rrent $nseen,
S+oo' %o+, )%i!e hi)h, !i(e
Into s$rren!er"
A chrysa%is stan!s no+ e#'ty,
Dryin) in the s$n,
Constraints &or)otten by the %i&e once ser(e!"
One !ay, 'erha's, a chi%! +i%% co#e,
Wi%% as* its #other,
0What stran)e creat$re one !ay %i(e!
In s$ch a tiny ho#e<0
4TRE3A, :E@H5
AND SO BE6AN the #ost e1traor!inary &orty/ei)ht ho$rs
o& o$r %i&e to)ether" Treya ha! !eci!e! to !ie" There +as no
#e!ica% reason &or her to !ie at this 'oint" With #e!ication
an! #o!est s$''orts, her !octors &e%t she co$%! %i(e another
se(era% #onths at %east, a%beit in a hos'ita%, an! yes, then
she +o$%! !ie" B$t Treya ha! #a!e $' her #in!" She +as
not )oin) to !ie %i*e that, in a hos'ita%, +ith t$bes co#in)
o$t o& her an! contin$o$s IA #or'hine !ri' an! the
ine(itab%e 'ne$#onia an! s%o+ s$&&ocation//a%% the horrib%e
i#a)es that ha! )one thro$)h #y #in! at Drachen&e%s" An!
I ha! the stran)est &ee%in) that, +hate(er e%se her reasons,
Treya +as )oin) to s'are a%% o& $s that or!ea%" She +o$%!
si#'%y by'ass a%% that, than* yo$ (ery #$ch, an! !ie
'eace&$%%y no+" B$t +hate(er her reasons, I *ne+ that once
Treya ha! #a!e $' her #in!, then it +as !one"
I '$t Treya in be! that e(enin), an! sat !o+n ne1t to
her" She ha! beco#e a%#ost ecstatic" 0I# )oin), I cant
be%ie(e it, I# )oin)" I# so ha''y, I# so ha''y, I# so
ha''y"0 Li*e a #antra o& &ina% re%ease, she *e't re'eatin),
0I# so ha''y, I# so ha''y" """0
Her entire co$ntenance %it $'" She )%o+e!" An! ri)ht in
&ront o& #y eyes her bo!y be)an to chan)e" Within one
ho$r, it %oo*e! to #e as i& she %ost ten 'o$n!s" It +as as i&
her bo!y, ac>$iescin) to her +i%%, be)an to shrin* an! !ra+
in on itse%&" She be)an to sh$t !o+n her (ita% syste#s, she
be)an to !ie" Within that ho$r, she +as a !i&&erent bein),
rea!y an! +i%%in) to %ea(e" She +as (ery !eter#ine! abo$t
this, an! she +as (ery ha''y" Her ecstatic res'onse +as
in&ectio$s, an! I &o$n! #yse%& sharin) in her .oy, #$ch to
#y con&$sion"
Then, rather abr$'t%y, she sai!, 0B$t I !ont +ant to
%ea(e yo$" I %o(e yo$ so #$ch" I cant %ea(e yo$" I %o(e yo$
so #$ch"0 She be)an cryin), sobbin), an! I be)an cryin),
sobbin), as +e%%" I &e%t %i*e I +as cryin) a%% the tears o& the
'ast &i(e years, !ee' tears I ha! he%! bac* in or!er to be
stron) &or Treya" We ta%*e! at %en)th o& o$r %o(e &or each
other, a %o(e that ha! #a!e both o& $s 2 it so$n!s corny 2 a
%o(e that ha! #a!e both o& $s stron)er, an! better, an!
+iser" Deca!es o& )ro+th ha! )one into o$r care &or each
other, an! no+, &ace! +ith the conc%$sion o& it a%%, +e +ere
both o(er+he%#e!" It so$n!s so !ry, b$t it +as the
ten!erest #o#ent I ha(e e(er *no+n, +ith the on%y 'erson
+ith +ho# I co$%! e(er ha(e *no+n it"
0Honey, i& its ti#e to )o, then its ti#e to )o" Dont
+orry, I%% &in! yo$" I &o$n! yo$ be&ore, I 'ro#ise I%% &in! yo$
a)ain" So i& yo$ +ant to )o, !ont +orry" I$st )o"0
03o$ 'ro#ise yo$%% &in! #e<0
0I 'ro#ise"0
I sho$%! e1'%ain that, !$rin) the %ast t+o +ee*s, Treya
ha! a%#ost obsessi(e%y been )oin) o(er +hat I ha! sai! to
her on the +ay to o$r +e!!in) cere#ony, &i(e years ear%ier"
I ha! +his'ere! in her ear- 0Where ha(e yo$ been< I(e
been searchin) &or yo$ &or %i&eti#es" I &ina%%y &o$n! yo$" I
ha! to s%ay !ra)ons to &in! yo$, yo$ *no+" An! i& anythin)
ha''ens, I +i%% &in! yo$ a)ain"0 She %oo*e! 'ro&o$n!%y at
'eace" 03o$ 'ro#ise<0 0I 'ro#ise"0
I ha(e no conscio$s i!ea +hy I sai! that, I +as si#'%y
statin), &or reasons I !i! not $n!erstan!, e1act%y ho+ I &e%t
abo$t o$r re%ationshi'" An! it +as to this e1chan)e that
Treya ret$rne! ti#e an! a)ain !$rin) the %ast +ee*s" It
see#e! to )i(e her a tre#en!o$s sense o& sa&ety" The
+or%! +as O; i& I *e't #y 'ro#ise"
An! so she sai!, at that 'oint, 03o$ 'ro#ise yo$%% &in!
#e<0
0I 'ro#ise"0
0=ore(er an! &ore(er<0
0=ore(er an! &ore(er"0
0Then I can )o" I cant be%ie(e it" I# so ha''y" This has
been #$ch har!er than I e(er tho$)ht" Its been so har!"
Honey, its been so har!"0 0I *no+, s+eetheart, I *no+"0
0B$t no+ I can )o" I# so ha''y" I %o(e yo$ so #$ch" I# so
ha''y"0
That ni)ht I s%e't on the ac$'$nct$re tab%e in her roo#"
It see#s to #e that I !rea#t o& a )reat %$#ino$s c%o$! o&
+hite %i)ht, ho(erin) o(er the ho$se, %i*e the %i)ht o& a
tho$san! s$ns b%a8in) on a sno+ca''e! #o$ntain" I say 0it
see#s to #e,0 beca$se no+ I# not s$re +hether it +as a
!rea# or not"
When I %oo*e! at her ear%y the ne1t #ornin) 4S$n!ay5,
she ha! .$st a+o*en" Her eyes +ere c%ear, she +as (ery
a%ert, an! she +as (ery !eter#ine!- 0I# )oin)" I# so
ha''y" 3o$%% be there<0
0I%% be there, *i!" Lets !o it" Lets )o"0
I ca%%e! the &a#i%y" I !ont re#e#ber e1act%y +hat I sai!,
b$t it +as so#ethin) %i*e, '%ease co#e as soon as yo$ can" I
ca%%e! Warren, the !ear &rien! +ho ha! been he%'in) Treya
+ith ac$'$nct$re &or the %ast &e+ #onths" A)ain, I !ont
re#e#ber +hat I sai!" B$t I thin* that #y tone sai!, Its
!yin) ti#e"
The &a#i%y be)an arri(in) &air%y ear%y that !ay, an! each
#e#ber ha! a chance to ha(e a %ast o'en ta%* +ith Treya"
What I re#e#ber #ost +as her sayin) ho+ #$ch she %o(e!
her &a#i%y, ho+ incre!ib%y &ort$nate she &e%t to ha(e each o&
the#, ho+ they +ere the best &a#i%y anyone co$%! +ant" It
+as as i& Treya +ere !eter#ine! to 0co#e c%ean0 +ith e(ery
sin)%e &a#i%y #e#ber, she +as )oin) to b$rn as c%ean as
ashes, +ith no $ns'o*en %ines %e&t in her bo!y, +ith no )$i%t
an! no b%a#e" As &ar as I can te%%, she s$ccee!e!"
We '$t her to be! that ni)ht 2 S$n!ay ni)ht 2 an! a)ain I
s%e't on her ac$'$nct$re tab%e so I co$%! be there i&
anythin) ha''ene!" So#ethin) e1traor!inary see#e! to be
)oin) on in that ho$se, an! +e a%% *ne+ it" Abo$t C-C0 that
#ornin), Treya a+o*e abr$'t%y" The at#os'here +as
a%#ost ha%%$cino)enic" I a+o*e i##e!iate%y, an! as*e! ho+
she +as" 0Is it #or'hine ti#e<0 she sai! +ith a s#i%e" In her
entire or!ea% +ith cancer, e1ce't &or s$r)ery, Treya ha!
ta*en a s$# tota% o& &o$r #or'hine tab%ets" 0S$re, s+eetie,
+hate(er yo$ +ant"0 I )a(e her a #or'hine tab%et an! a
#i%! s%ee'in) 'i%%, an! +e ha! o$r %ast con(ersation"
0S+eetie, I thin* its ti#e to )o,0 she be)an"
0I# here, honey"0
0I# so ha''y"0 Lon) 'a$se" 0This +or%! is so +eir!" Its
.$st so +eir!" B$t I# )oin)"0 Her #oo! +as one o& .oy, an!
h$#or, an! !eter#ination"
I be)an re'eatin) se(era% o& the 0'ith 'hrases0 &ro# the
re%i)io$s tra!itions that she consi!ere! so i#'ortant,
'hrases that she ha! +ante! #e to re#in! her o& ri)ht $'
to the en!, 'hrases she ha! carrie! +ith her on her &%ash
car!s"
0Re%a1 +ith the 'resence o& +hat is,0 I be)an" 0A%%o+ the
se%& to $ncoi% in the (ast e1'anse o& a%% s'ace" 3o$r o+n
'ri#or!ia% #in! is $nborn an! $n!yin), it +as not born +ith
this bo!y an! it +i%% not !ie +ith this bo!y" Reco)ni8e yo$r
o+n #in! as eterna%%y one +ith S'irit"0
Her &ace re%a1e!, an! she %oo*e! at #e (ery c%ear%y an!
!irect%y
03o$%% &in! #e<0
0I 'ro#ise"0
0Then its ti#e to )o"0
There +as a (ery %on) 'a$se, an! the roo# see#e! to
#e to beco#e entire%y %$#ino$s, +hich +as stran)e, )i(en
ho+ $tter%y !ar* it +as" It +as the #ost sacre! #o#ent, the
#ost !irect #o#ent, the si#'%est #o#ent I ha(e e(er
*no+n" The #ost ob(io$s" The #ost 'er&ect%y ob(io$s" I ha!
ne(er seen anythin) %i*e this in #y %i&e" I !i! not *no+ +hat
to !o" I +as si#'%y 'resent &or Treya"
She #o(e! to+ar! #e, tryin) to )est$re, tryin) to say
so#ethin), so#ethin) she +ante! #e to $n!erstan!, the
%ast thin) she to%! #e" 03o$re the )reatest #an I(e e(er
*no+n,0 she +his'ere!" 03o$re the )reatest #an I(e e(er
*no+n" My cha#'ion """0 She *e't re'eatin) it- 0My
cha#'ion"0 I %eane! &or+ar! to te%% her that she +as the
on%y rea%%y en%i)htene! 'erson I ha! e(er *no+n" That
en%i)hten#ent #a!e sense to #e beca$se o& her" That a
$ni(erse that ha! 'ro!$ce! Treya +as a sacre! $ni(erse"
That 6o! e1iste! beca$se o& her" A%% these thin)s +ent
thro$)h #y #in!" A%% these thin)s I +ante! to say" I *ne+
she +as a+are ho+ I &e%t, b$t #y throat ha! c%ose! in on
itse%&, I co$%!nt s'ea*, I +asnt cryin), I .$st co$%!nt s'ea*"
I croa*e! o$t on%y, 0I%% &in! yo$, honey, I +i%%""""0
Treya c%ose! her eyes, an! &or a%% '$r'oses, she ne(er
o'ene! the# a)ain"
My heart bro*e" Da =ree Iohns 'hrase *e't r$nnin)
thro$)h #y #in!- 07ractice the +o$n! o& %o(e "" " 'ractice
the +o$n! o& %o(e"0 Rea% %o(e h$rts, rea% %o(e #a*es yo$
tota%%y ($%nerab%e an! o'en, rea% %o(e +i%% ta*e yo$ &ar
beyon! yo$rse%&, an! there&ore rea% %o(e +i%% !e(astate yo$"
I *e't thin*in), i& %o(e !oes not shatter yo$, yo$ !o not
*no+ %o(e" We ha! both been 'racticin) the +o$n! o& %o(e,
an! I +as shattere!" Loo*in) bac* on it, it see#s to #e that
in that si#'%e an! !irect #o#ent, +e both !ie!"
It +as at that #o#ent that I be)an to notice that the
at#os'here ha! beco#e (ery t$rb$%ent" It too* #e se(era%
#in$tes to rea%i8e that it +asnt #y !istress or #y )rie& that
see#e! to be so !ist$rbin)" It +as the +in! b%o+in) +i%!%y
o$tsi!e the ho$se" An! not .$st b%o+in)" The +in! be)an
+hi''in) $' a &erocio$s stor#, o$r or!inari%y roc*/so%i!
ho$se +as sha*in) an! ratt%in) in the )a%e/&orce +in!s that
ha##ere! the ho$se at e1act%y that #o#ent" In &act, the
ne+s'a'ers re'orte! the ne1t !ay that at e1act%y &o$r
oc%oc* that #ornin), recor!/brea*in) +in!s 2 reachin) $'
to an incre!ib%e ::K #i%es an ho$r 2 be)an to +hi' thro$)h
Bo$%!er 4tho$)h ine1'%icab%y, no '%ace e%se in Co%ora!o5"
The +in!s o(ert$rne! cars 2 an! e(en an air'%ane9 2 a%% o&
+hich +as !$%y re'orte! in the hea!%ines o& the 'a'ers the
ne1t !ay"
The +in!s, I s$''ose, +ere coinci!ence" Nonethe%ess,
the constant ratt%in) an! sha*in) o& the ho$se si#'%y a!!e!
to the &ee%in) that so#ethin) $nearth%y +as ha''enin)" I
re#e#ber tryin) to )o bac* to s%ee', b$t the ho$se +as
ratt%in) so har! I )ot $' an! '$t so#e b%an*ets aro$n! the
+in!o+s in the be!roo#, &earin) they +o$%! shatter" I
&ina%%y !ri&te! o&&, thin*in), 0Treya is !yin), nothin) is
'er#anent, e(erythin) is e#'ty, Treya is !yin)" """0
The ne1t #ornin), Treya sett%e! into the 'osition in
+hich she +o$%! !ie 2 'ro''e! $' on 'i%%o+s, ar#s at her
si!es, #a%a in her han!" The ni)ht be&ore she ha! be)$n
re'eatin) si%ent%y to herse%& 0O# Mani 7a!#e H$n),0 the
B$!!hist #antra o& co#'assion, an! 0S$rren!er to 6o!,0
her &a(orite Christian 'rayer" I be%ie(e she contin$e! to !o
so"
We ha! in(ite! a #e#ber o& the Hos'ice #o(e#ent to
co#e by an! +or* +ith $s, an! in !$e co$rse 2 aro$n!
e%e(en that #ornin) 2 C%aire arri(e!" I 'ersona%%y ha!
+ante! a Hos'ice #e#ber to co#e by beca$se I +ante! to
#a*e s$re that +e +ere !oin) e(erythin) 'ossib%e to
ens$re that Treya co$%! !ie 'ain%ess%y an! in 'eace, in her
o+n be!, in her o+n +ay"
C%aire +as 'er&ect" Loo*in) (ery %i*e a bea$ti&$% an!
'eace&$% an)e% 4so beati&ic that ;ati $nconscio$s%y *e't
re&errin) to her as 06race Da+n05, she entere! the roo#
an! anno$nce! to Treya that, i& it +as O; +ith her, she +as
)oin) to ta*e her (ita% si)ns" 0Treya,0 she sai!, 0is it a%% ri)ht
i& I ta*e yo$r b%oo! 'ress$re<0 I !ont thin* C%aire tho$)ht
Treya +o$%! act$a%%y ans+er" The 'oint, rather, +as that
Hos'ice #e#bers are ta$)ht that the !yin) 'erson can
hear >$ite c%ear%y e(erythin) yo$ say ri)ht $' to the en!,
an! 'erha's beyon!, so C%aire e1ten!e! this e%e#enta%
co$rtesy to Treya" Treya herse%& ha! not rea%%y s'o*en
anythin) &or se(era% ho$rs" B$t +hen C%aire as*e! that
si#'%e >$estion, Treya abr$'t%y t$rne! her hea! 4eyes sti%%
c%ose!5 an! (ery c%ear%y sai!, 0S$re"0 =ro# that 'oint on,
e(erybo!y *ne+ that Treya, 0$nconscio$s0 as she +as, +as
in &act &$%%y a+are o& e(erythin) that +as ha''enin)"
4At one 'oint, ;ati, +ho %i*e a%% o& $s ha! ass$#e! Treya
+as 0$nconscio$s,0 %oo*e! at #e an! sai!, 0;en, she is so
bea$ti&$%"0 Treya sai! (ery c%ear%y, 0Than* yo$"0 Those +ere
her %ast +or!s 2 0Than* yo$"05
The +in! contin$e! to ho+%, ratt%in) the ho$se se(ere%y"
The &a#i%y #e#bers #aintaine! their (i)i%" S$e, Ra!, ;ati,
Tracy, Da(i!, Mary La#ar, Michae%, Warren 2 a%% to$che!
Treya an! #any +his'ere! &ina% +or!s to her"
Treya he%! her #a%a, a #a%a she ha! )otten at a
#e!itation retreat +ith ;a%$ Rin'oche, a retreat in +hich
she ha! ta*en a (o+ to 'ractice co#'assion as her 'ath to
en%i)hten#ent" The s'irit$a% na#e )i(en to her at that ti#e,
by ;a%$ hi#se%&, +as 0Da*ini Win!0 4+hich #eans, 0the +in!
o& en%i)hten#ent05"
By t+o oc%oc* that a&ternoon 4Mon!ay5, Treya ha!
cease! to res'on! o(ert%y to any sti#$%i" Her eyes +ere
c%ose!, her breathin) +as &o%%o+in) a 'attern o& a'nea
4sha%%o+ )as's +ith %on) 'a$ses5, her %i#bs ha! beco#e
co%!" C%aire too* $s asi!e an! sai! that she tho$)ht Treya
+o$%! !ie (ery soon, 'ossib%y +ithin ho$rs" She sai! she
+o$%! ret$rn i& at a%% necessary, an! +ith the *in!est o&
+ishes, %e&t $s"
The a&ternoon stretche! on, the +in!s contin$e! ratt%in)
the ho$se an! contrib$tin) to the eeriest at#os'here" =or
ho$rs I he%! Treyas han! an! *e't +his'erin) in her ear-
0Treya, yo$ can )o no+" E(erythin) here is co#'%ete an!
&inishe!" I$st %et )o, .$st %et it ha''en" Were a%% here, honey,
.$st %et it ha''en"0
4Then, $ncontro%%ab%y, I be)an %a$)hin) to #yse%&,
thin*in)- 0Treya has ne(er !one anythin) anybo!y e(er to%!
her to !o" Maybe I sho$%! >$it sayin) a%% this, she%% ne(er %et
)o i& I !ont sh$t $'"05
I contin$e! +ith her &a(orite 'ith 'hrases- 0Mo(e to+ar!
the Li)ht, Treya" Loo* &or the &i(e/'ointe! cos#ic star,
%$#ino$s an! ra!iant an! &ree" Ho%! to the Li)ht,
s+eetheart, .$st ho%! to the Li)ht" Let )o o& $s, ho%! to the
Li)ht"0
I sho$%! #ention that, in the year o& Treyas &ortieth
birth!ay, a teacher o& both o& $s, Da =ree Iohn, be)an
sayin) that the $%ti#ate en%i)htene! (ision +as +hen one
sa+ the &i(e/'ointe! cos#ic star, or cos#ic #an!a%a, '$re
an! +hite an! ra!iant, $tter%y beyon! a%% &inite %i#itations"
Treya !i!nt *no+ this +as sai! at that ti#e, b$t
nonethe%ess that is e1act%y +hen she chan)e! her na#e
&ro# Terry to Estre%%a, or Treya, +hich is S'anish &or star"
An! it is he%! that, at the 'recise #o#ent o& !eath, the
)reat &i(e/'ointe! cos#ic star, or the c%ear %i)ht (oi!, or
si#'%y )reat S'irit or %$#ino$s 6o!hea!, a''ears to e(ery
so$%" It is #y o+n be%ie& that this (ision ha! a''eare! to
Treya so#e three years ear%ier 2 it ha! !one so in a !rea#
she to%! #e o&, ri)ht a&ter an e#'o+er#ent +ith the Aery
Aenerab%e ;a%$ Rin'oche 2 the (ision +as $n#ista*ab%e,
an! acco#'anie! by a%% the c%assic si)ns, tho$)h she to%!
no one o& it" She !i! not chan)e her na#e to 0Treya0
beca$se =ree Iohn ha! ta%*e! abo$t this $%ti#ate (ision, she
ha! si#'%y ha! this (ision, o& the %$#ino$s cos#ic star, in a
(ery rea% an! !irect +ay" Th$s $'on act$a% !eath, I tho$)ht
to #yse%&, Treya +o$%! si#'%y be seein) her o+n Ori)ina%
=ace, an! not &or the &irst ti#e" She +o$%! si#'%y be
e1'eriencin), once a)ain, her o+n tr$e nat$re as
%$#inosity, as ra!iant star"
The on%y 'iece o& .e+e%ry she rea%%y (a%$e! +as the &i(e/
'ointe! )o%! star 'en!ant that S$e an! Ra! ha! #a!e &or
her 4base! on a !ra+in) Treya ha! #a!e o& e1act%y that
(ision5" I tho$)ht to #yse%&, abo$t that star 'en!ant, that it
+as, in the +or!s o& a Christian #ystic, 0The o$t+ar! an!
(isib%e si)n o& an in+ar! an! in(isib%e )race"0 She !ie! +ith
it on"
I thin* e(erybo!y rea%i8e! that their %ettin) )o o& Treya
+as cr$cia% to the 'rocess, an! in their o+n in!i(i!$a% +ays,
each 'erson re%ease! her" I +o$%! %i*e to re'ort +hat
trans'ire! in those #o#ents, as &a#i%y #e#bers to$che!
Treya, an! so&t%y ta%*e! to her, beca$se e(erybo!y acte!
+ith s$ch !i)nity an! )race" I thin* that Treya +o$%! +ant
#e at %east to say that Ra!, +ho +as besi!e hi#se%& +ith
)rie&, to$che! her e(er so )ent%y on the &orehea!, an! sai!,
03o$ are the best !a$)hter I co$%! e(er +ant"0 An! S$e- 0I
%o(e yo$ so #$ch"0
I ste''e! '$t to )et a !rin* o& +ater, an! s$!!en%y Tracy
+as there, sayin), 0;en, )et $' there i##e!iate%y"0 I ran
$'stairs, .$#'e! on the be!, )rabbe! Treyas han!" The
entire &a#i%y 2 e(ery sin)%e #e#ber, an! )oo! &rien!
Warren 2 #a!e it into the roo#" Treya o'ene! her eyes,
%oo*e! (ery so&t%y at e(erybo!y there, %oo*e! !irect%y at
#e, c%ose! her eyes, an! >$it breathin)"
E(erybo!y in the roo# +as co#'%ete%y there an!
'resent &or Treya" Then the entire roo# be)an to cry" I +as
ho%!in) her han!, +ith #y other han! o(er her heart" My
bo!y be)an to sha*e (io%ent%y" It ha! &ina%%y ha''ene!" I
co$%! not sto' sha*in)" I +his'ere! in her ear the &e+ *ey
'hrases &ro# the Boo* o& the Dea! 40Reco)ni8e the c%ear
%i)ht as yo$r o+n 'ri#or!ia% Min!, reco)ni8e yo$ are no+
one +ith En%i)htene! S'irit05" B$t #ost%y +e a%% crie!"
The best, the stron)est, the #ost en%i)htene!, the #ost
honest, the #ost bea$ti&$%, the #ost ins'irin), the #ost
(irt$o$s, the #ost cherishe! 'erson I ha! e(er *no+n, ha!
.$st !ie!" So#eho+, I &e%t that the $ni(erse +o$%! ne(er be
the sa#e"
E1act%y &i(e #in$tes a&ter her !eath, Michae% sai!,
0Listen" Listen to that"0 The )a%e/&orce +in!s ha! co#'%ete%y
cease! b%o+in), an! the at#os'here +as a 'er&ect ca%#"
This, too, +as !$ti&$%%y note! in the ne1t !ays 'a'ers,
ri)ht to the e1act #in$te" The ancients ha(e a sayin)-
0When a )reat so$% !ies, the +in!s )o +i%!"0 The )reater the
so$%, the )reater the +in! necessary to carry it a+ay"
7erha's it +as a%% coinci!ence, b$t I co$%!nt he%' thin*in)-
A )reat, )reat so$% ha! !ie!, an! the +in! res'on!e!"
In the %ast si1 #onths o& her %i&e, it +as as i& Treya an! I
+ent into s'irit$a% o(er!ri(e &or each other, ser(in) each
other in e(ery +ay that +e co$%!" I &ina%%y >$it the bitchin)
an! #oanin) that is so nor#a% &or a s$''ort 'erson, a
bitchin) an! #oanin) that ca#e &ro# the &act that I ha!, &or
&i(e years, set asi!e #y career in or!er to ser(e her" I .$st
!ro''e! a%% that" I ha! abso%$te%y no re)rets, I ha! on%y
)ratit$!e &or her 'resence, an! &or the e1traor!inary )race
o& ser(in) her" An! she >$it the bitchin) an! #oanin) abo$t
ho+ her cancer ha! 0+rec*e!0 #y %i&e" =or the si#'%e &act
+as, +e to)ether ha! #a!e a 'act, on so#e 'ro&o$n! %e(e%,
to see her thro$)h this or!ea%, co#e +hat #ay" It +as a
'ro&o$n! choice" We +ere both (ery, (ery, (ery c%ear abo$t
this, 'artic$%ar%y !$rin) the %ast si1 #onths" We si#'%y an!
!irect%y ser(e! each other, e1chan)in) se%& &or other, an!
therefore )%i#'sin) that eterna% S'irit +hich transcen!s
both se%& an! other, both 0#e0 an! 0#ine"0
0I(e a%+ays %o(e! yo$,0 she be)an on an occasion abo$t
three #onths be&ore she !ie!, 0b$t recent%y yo$ ha(e
chan)e! in (ery 'ro&o$n! +ays" Ha(e yo$ notice!<0
03es"0
0What is it<0
There +as a %on) 'a$se" This +as the 'erio! ri)ht a&ter I
ha! co#e bac* &ro# the D8o)chen retreat, b$t that +asnt
the #ain ca$se &or the chan)e she ha! note!" 0I !ont *no+,
*i!" I %o(e yo$, so I# ser(in) yo$" It see#s (ery
strai)ht&or+ar!, !ont yo$ thin*<0
0Theres an a+areness abo$t yo$ that has *e't #e )oin)
&or #onths" What is it<0 She *e't re'eatin), as i& it +ere
(ery i#'ortant, 0What is it<0 An! I ha! the stran)est &ee%in)
that it +asnt a >$estion, rea%%y, b$t #ore o& a test, +hich I
!i! not $n!erstan!"
0I thin* its .$st that I# here &or yo$, s+eetheart" I#
here"0
03o$re +hy I# a%i(e,0 she &ina%%y sai!, an! it +asnt a
co##ent abo$t #e" The 'oint +as that +e *e't each other
)oin), an! +e beca#e each others teacher !$rin) those
%ast e1traor!inary #onths" My contin$e! ser(ice to Treya
)enerate! in her a%#ost o(er+he%#in) &ee%in)s o& )ratit$!e
an! *in!ness, an! the %o(e she ha! &or #e in ret$rn be)an
to sat$rate #y bein)" I beca#e co#'%ete%y &$%% beca$se o&
Treya" It +as as i& +e +ere #$t$a%%y )eneratin) in each
other the en%i)htene! co#'assion that +e ha! both st$!ie!
&or so %on)" I &e%t %i*e years, #aybe %i&eti#es, o& *ar#a +as
bein) b$rne! o$t o& #e in #y contin$e! res'onse to her
nee!s" An! in her %o(e an! co#'assion &or #e, Treya a%so
beca#e co#'%ete%y &$%%" There +ere no e#'ty '%aces in her
so$%, no corners %e&t $nto$che! by %o(e, not a sha!o+ in her
heart"
I# no %on)er s$re e1act%y +hat 0en%i)hten#ent0 #eans"
I 're&er to thin* in ter#s o& 0en%i)htene! $n!erstan!in)0 or
0en%i)htene! 'resence0 or 0en%i)htene! a+areness"0 I *no+
+hat that #eans, an! I thin* I can reco)ni8e that" An! it
+as $n#ista*ab%e in Treya" I# not sayin) this si#'%y
beca$se she is )one" That is e2actly ho+ I ca#e to see it,
o(er those %ast &e+ #onths, +hen she #et s$&&erin) an!
!eath +ith a '$re an! si#'%e 'resence, a 'resence that
o$tshone her 'ain, a 'resence that c%ear%y anno$nce! +hat
she +as" I sa+ that en%i)htene! 'resence, $n#ista*ab%y"
An! those +ho +ere +ith her in those %ast &e+ #onths,
they sa+ it, too"
I ha! arran)e! &or Treyas bo!y to re#ain $n!ist$rbe!
&or t+enty/&o$r ho$rs" Abo$t an ho$r a&ter her !eath, +e a%%
%e&t the roo#, #ost%y to co#'ose o$rse%(es" Beca$se Treya
ha! 'ro''e! herse%& $' &or the %ast t+enty/&o$r ho$rs, her
#o$th ha! h$n) o'en &or a%#ost a !ay" Conse>$ent%y, !$e
to insi'ient ri)or, her .a+ +as %oc*e! in an o'en 'osition"
We trie! to c%ose her .a+ be&ore +e %e&t, b$t it +o$%!nt
sh$t, it +as %oc*e! ti)ht" I contin$e! +his'erin) 0'ith
sayin)s0 to her, then +e a%% %e&t the roo#"
Abo$t &orty/&i(e #in$tes %ater, +e +ent bac* into the
roo#, on%y to be #et +ith a st$nnin) (ision- Treya ha!
c%ose! her #o$th, an! there a''eare! instea! on her &ace
an e1traor!inary s#i%e, a s#i%e o& $tter content#ent, 'eace,
&$%&i%%#ent, re%ease" Nor +as it a stan!ar! 0ri)or s#i%e0 2 the
%ines +ere entire%y an! tota%%y !i&&erent" She %oo*e! e1act%y
%i*e a bea$ti&$% B$!!ha stat$e, s#i%in) the s#i%e o&
co#'%ete re%ease" The %ines that ha! been !ee'%y etche! on
her &ace 2 %ines o& s$&&erin) an! e1ha$stion an! 'ain 2 ha!
a%% co#'%ete%y !isa''eare!" Her &ace +as '$re, s#ooth,
+itho$t +rin*%es or %ines o& any sort, ra!iant, )%o+in)" It +as
so 'ro&o$n! that +e +ere a%% ta*en abac*" B$t there she
+as, s#i%in), )%o+in), ra!iant, content" I co$%!nt he%' it, I
*e't sayin) o$t %o$!, as I )ent%y %eane! o(er her bo!y,
0Treya, %oo* at yo$9 Treya, honey, %oo* at yo$90
That s#i%e o& content#ent an! re%ease re#aine! on her
&ace &or the entire t+enty/&o$r/ho$r 'erio! that she +as %e&t
in her be!" Her bo!y +as &ina%%y #o(e!, b$t I thin* that
s#i%e is etche! on her so$% &or eternity"
E(erybo!y +ent $' an! sai! )oo!bye to her that
e(enin)" I staye! $' that ni)ht an! rea! to her $nti% three
that #ornin)" I rea! her &a(orite re%i)io$s 'assa)es 4S$8$*i
Roshi, Ra#ana Maharshi, ;a%$, St" Teresa, St" Iohn, Norb$,
Tr$n)'a, the (ourse5, I re'eate! her &a(orite Christian
'rayer 40S$rren!er to 6o!05, I 'er&or#e! her &a(orite
sa!hana or s'irit$a% 'ractice 4Chenre8i, the B$!!ha o&
co#'assion5, an! #ost o& a%% I rea! to her the essentia%
'ointin)/o$t instr$ctions &ro# The 'oo! of the Dead" 4These
I rea! to her &orty/nine ti#es" The essence o& these
instr$ctions is that, to '$t it in Christian ter#s, the ti#e o&
!eath is the ti#e that yo$ she! yo$r 'hysica% bo!y an!
in!i(i!$a% e)o, an! beco#e one +ith abso%$te S'irit or 6o!"
Reco)ni8in) the ra!iance an! %$#inosity that nat$ra%%y
!a+ns at the ti#e o& !eath is th$s to reco)ni8e yo$r o+n
a+areness as eterna%%y en%i)htene!, or one +ith 6o!hea!"
3o$ si#'%y re'eat these instr$ctions to the 'erson, o(er
an! o(er a)ain, +ith the (ery %i*e%y ass$#'tion that their
so$% can sti%% hear yo$" An! so this I !i!"5
I #ay be i#a)inin) a%% this, b$t I s+ear that, on the thir!
rea!in) o& the essentia% instr$ctions &or reco)ni8in) that
yo$r so$% is one +ith 6o!, so#ethin) a$!ib%y c%ic*e! in the
roo#" I act$a%%y !$c*e!" I ha! the !istinct an! 'a%'ab%e
&ee%in), at that $tter%y !ar* 2-00 A"M", that she !irect%y
reco)ni8e! her o+n tr$e nat$re an! b$rne! c%ean" In other
+or!s, that she ac*no+%e!)e!, $'on hearin), the )reat
%iberation or en%i)hten#ent that ha! a%+ays been hers" That
she ha! !isso%(e! c%ean%y into A%% S'ace, #i1in) +ith the
entire $ni(erse, .$st %i*e in her e1'erience as a thirteen/
year/o%!, .$st %i*e in her #e!itations, .$st %i*e she ho'e! she
+o$%! $'on &ina% !eath"
I !ont *no+, #aybe I# i#a)inin) this" B$t *no+in)
Treya, #aybe I# not"
So#e #onths %ater I +as rea!in) a hi)h%y re(ere! te1t o&
D8o)chen +hich !escribes the sta)es o& !yin)" An! it %iste!
t+o 'hysica% si)ns that in!icate! that the 'erson ha!
reco)ni8e! their o+n Tr$e Nat$re an! ha! beco#e one +ith
%$#ino$s S'irit 2 that they ha! !isso%(e! c%ean%y into A%%
S'ace" The t+o si)ns<
I& yo$ re#ain in the 6ro$n! L$#inosity,
As a si)n o& that, yo$r co#'%e1ion +i%% be nice " " "
An! it is ta$)ht a%so that yo$r #o$th +i%% be s#i%in)"
I staye! in Treyas roo# that ni)ht" When I &ina%%y &e%%
as%ee', I ha! a !rea#" B$t it +asnt a !rea#, it +as #ore o&
a si#'%e i#a)e- a rain!ro' &e%% into the ocean, th$s
beco#in) one +ith the a%%" At &irst I tho$)ht that this #eant
Treya ha! beco#e en%i)htene!, that Treya +as the !ro'
that ha! beco#e one +ith the ocean o& en%i)hten#ent" An!
that #a!e sense"
B$t then I rea%i8e! it +as #ore 'ro&o$n! than that- I +as
the !ro', an! Treya the ocean" She ha! not been re%ease! 2
she +as already so" Rather, it +as I +ho ha! been re%ease!,
by the si#'%e (irt$e o& ser(in) her"
An! there, there it +as- that +as e1act%y +hy she ha! so
insistent%y as*e! #e to 'ro#ise that I +o$%! &in! her" It
+asnt that she nee!e! #e to &in! her, it +as that, thro$)h
#y 'ro#ise to her, she +o$%! there&ore &in! #e, an! he%'
#e, yet a)ain, an! a)ain, an! a)ain" I ha! it a%% bac*+ar!s- I
tho$)ht #y 'ro#ise +as ho+ I +o$%! he%' her, +hereas it
+as act$a%%y ho+ she +o$%! reach an! he%' #e, a)ain, an!
a)ain, an! &ore(er a)ain, as %on) as it too* &or #e to
a+a*en, as %on) as it too* &or #e to ac*no+%e!)e, as %on)
as it too* &or #e to rea%i8e the S'irit that she ha! co#e so
c%ear%y to anno$nce" An! by no #eans .$st #e- Treya ca#e
&or a%% her &rien!s, &or her &a#i%y, an! es'ecia%%y &or those
stric*en +ith terrib%e i%%ness" =or a%% o& this, Treya +as
'resent"
T+enty/&o$r ho$rs %ater, I *isse! her &orehea!, an! +e a%%
sai! )oo!bye" Treya, sti%% s#i%in), +as ta*en &or cre#ation"
B$t 0)oo!bye0 is the +ron) +or!" 7erha's au re#oir 2 0ti%%
+e #eet a)ain0 2 or aloha 2 0)oo!bye?he%%o0 2 +o$%! be
better"
Ric* =ie%!s, a )oo! &rien! o& both Treyas an! #ine,
+rote a (ery si#'%e 'oe# $'on hearin) o& her !eath"
So#eho+, it see#e! to say it a%%-
=irst +ere not here
Then +e are
Then +ere not
3o$ %oo*e! into
O$r co#in) an! )oin)
=ace to =ace
Lon)er than #ost o& $s
With #ore co$ra)e an! )race
Than I ha(e e(er seen
An! yo$ s#i%e!
A%% the +ay 2
This is no hy'erbo%e, it is a si#'%e state#ent o& &act- I
ha(e ne(er *no+n anyone +ho *ne+ Treya +ho !i! not
thin* that she ha! #ore inte)rity an! honesty than any
'erson they ha! e(er *no+n" Treyas inte)rity +as abso%$te,
$ni#'eachab%e by e(en the #eanest o& circ$#stances, an!
o(er+he%#in) to (irt$a%%y a%% +ho *ne+ her"
I !ont thin* any o& $s +i%% e(er act$a%%y #eet Treya
a)ain" I !ont thin* it +or*s that +ay" Thats #$ch too
concrete an! %itera%" Rather, it is #y o+n !ee'est &ee%in)
that e(ery ti#e yo$ an! I 2 an! any +ho *ne+ her 2 that
e(ery ti#e +e act &ro# a 'osition o& inte)rity, an! honesty,
an! stren)th, an! co#'assion- e(ery ti#e +e !o that, no+
an! &ore(er, +e $n#ista*en%y #eet a)ain the #in! an! so$%
o& Treya"
So #y 'ro#ise to Treya 2 the on%y 'ro#ise that she
#a!e #e re'eat o(er an! o(er 2 #y 'ro#ise that I +o$%!
&in! her a)ain rea%%y #eant that I ha! 'ro#ise! to &in! #y
o+n en%i)htene! Heart"
An! I *no+, in those %ast si1 #onths, that I !i! so" I *no+
that I &o$n! the ca(e o& en%i)hten#ent, +here I +as
#arrie!, by )race, an! +here I !ie!, by )race" This +as the
chan)e that ha! co#e o(er #e that Treya ha! notice!, an!
abo$t +hich she *e't sayin), 0What is it<0 The &act is, she
*ne+ e1act%y +hat it +as" She si#'%y +ante! to *no+ i& I
!i!" 40An! as &or the Heart, it is Brah#an, it is A%%" An! the
co$'%e, no+ one, ha(in) !ie! to the#se%(es, %i(e %i&e
eterna%"05
An! I *no+, in those %ast &e+ #o#ents o& !eath itse%&,
an! !$rin) the ni)ht that &o%%o+e!, +hen Treyas %$#inosity
o(er+he%#e! #y so$%, an! o$tshone the &inite +or%!
&ore(er, that it a%% beca#e 'er&ect%y c%ear to #e" There are
no %ies %e&t in #y so$%, beca$se o& Treya" An! Treya, honey,
!ear s+eet Treya, I 'ro#ise to &in! yo$ &ore(er an! &ore(er
an! &ore(er in #y Heart, as the si#'%e a+areness o& +hat
is"
Treyas ashes ca#e bac* to $s, an! +e ha! a si#'%e
'assin)/o(er cere#ony"
;en McLeo! rea! 'assa)es on the !e(e%o'#ent o&
co#'assion, +hich Treya ha! st$!ie! $n!er ;a%$s
)$i!ance" Ro)er Wa%sh rea! se%ections on &or)i(eness &ro#
* (ourse in $iracles, +hich Treya ha! 'ractice! !ai%y"
These t+o the#es 2 co#'assion an! &or)i(eness 2 ha!
beco#e the 'ath that Treya #ost (a%$e! as the +ay to
e1'ress her o+n en%i)hten#ent"
Then Sa# 'er&or#e! the &ina% cere#ony, !$rin) the
co$rse o& +hich a 'ict$re o& Treya +as b$rne!, re'resentin)
a &ina% %ettin)/)o" Sa# 4or as Treya ca%%e! hi#, 0!earest
Sa##y05 +as the on%y 'erson that Treya ha! +ante! to
'er&or# this cere#ony"
So#e there s'o*e &ina% +or!s o& re#e#brance abo$t
Treya, an! so#e re#aine! in si%ence" T+e%(e/year/o%!
Ch%oe, Ste(e an! Lin!as !a$)hter, +rote this &or the
cere#ony-
Treya, #y )$ar!ian an)e%, yo$ +ere a star on earth
an! )a(e $s a%% +ar#th an! %i)ht, b$t e(ery star #$st
!ie to be born a)ain, this ti#e in the hea(ens abo(e,
!+e%%in) +ith the eterna% %i)htness o& the so$%" I *no+
yo$ are !ancin) $'on the c%o$!s ri)ht no+, an! I# %$c*y
eno$)h to &ee% yo$r .oy, &ee% yo$r s#i%e" I %oo* at the s*y
an! I *no+ yo$re shinin), +ith yo$r bri%%iant, ra!iant
so$%"
I %o(e yo$ Treya an! I *no+ I%% #iss yo$ here, b$t I#
so ha''y &or yo$9 3o$ ha(e she! yo$r bo!y an! yo$r
'ains, an! are ab%e to !ance the !ance o& tr$e %i&e, an!
that is the %i&e o& the so$%" I can !ance +ith yo$ in #y
!rea#s, an! in #y heart" So, yo$ are not !ea!, yo$r so$%
sti%% %i(es, %i(es on a hi)her '%ane, an! in yo$r %o(e! ones
hearts"
3o$(e ta$)ht #e the #ost i#'ortant %esson, +hat
%i&e an! %o(e is"
Lo(e is co#'%ete an! sincere res'ect &or another
bein) " " "
It is the ecstasy o& the tr$e se%& " " "
Lo(e e1ten!s beyon! a%% '%anes an! is %i#it%ess " " "
A&ter a #i%%ion %i(es, an! a #i%%ion !eaths it sti%%
%i(es " " "
An! it on%y !+e%%s in the heart an! so$% " " "
Li&e is o& the so$%, an! o& nothin) e%se " " "
Lo(e an! %a$)hter ri!e +ith it, b$t so !o 'ain an!
an)$ish " " "
WHEREAER I 6O
AND WHATEAER I SEE
IN M3 HEART AND SODL
3ODLL ALWA3S BE WITH ME
I %oo*e! at Sa#, an! I &o$n! #yse%& sayin) to those
asse#b%e!-
0Not #any 'eo'%e re#e#ber that it +as here in Bo$%!er
that I 'ro'ose! to Treya" We +ere %i(in) in San =rancisco at
the ti#e, b$t I bro$)ht Treya here to #eet Sa#, to see
+hat he tho$)ht" A&ter #eetin) +ith Treya &or .$st a &e+
#in$tes, Sa# %a$)he! an! sai! so#ethin) %i*e, Not on%y !o
I a''ro(e, I# +orrie! abo$t her )ettin) shortchan)e!" I
'ro'ose! to Treya that ni)ht, an! she sai! on%y, I& yo$
!i!nt as* #e, I +as )oin) to as* yo$" An! so, in a (ery
s'ecia% sense, o$r %i&e to)ether be)an here, in Bo$%!er, +ith
Sa##y, an! it en!e! here, in Bo$%!er, +ith Sa##y"0
We +o$%! e(ent$a%%y ha(e a #e#oria% &or Treya in San
=rancisco 2 +ith re#e#brances s'o*en by Aic*y We%%s,
Ro)er Wa%sh, =rances Aa$)han, An)e Ste'hens, Ioan Ste&&y,
I$!ith S*$tch, an! H$ston S#ith 2 an! in As'en 2 +ith
e$%o)ies by Ste(e an! Lin!a an! Ch%oe Con)er, To# an!
Cathy Cr$#, A#ory Lo(ins, =ather Michae% Ab!o, an! the
#on*s &ro# Sno+#ass Monastery" B$t so#eho+ Sa#
s$##ari8e! it a%% in .$st t+o sentences that !ay-
0Treya +as the stron)est 'erson I ha(e e(er *no+n" She
ta$)ht $s ho+ to %i(e, an! she ta$)ht $s ho+ to !ie"0
In the &o%%o+in) !ays, %etters be)an to arri(e" What
str$c* #e #ost +as ho+ #any o& the# re'orte! essentia%%y
the sa#e e(ents that I ha(e recor!e! here" It see#e! to
#e, 'erha's in #y )rie&, that #aybe h$n!re!s o& 'eo'%e
ha! 'artici'ate! in the re#ar*ab%e e(ents o& those %ast t+o
!ays"
Here is a %etter &ro# #y &a#i%y 2 a 'oe#, act$a%%y, that
an a$nt ha! sent to #e" 40This is a &a(ore! 'oe# an!
sy#bo%ic o& Treya +e thin*, an! one !ay +e +i%% a%% be
re$nite!" O& this +e are abso%$te%y s$re"05
I &o$n!, in a%% the %etters, a re'eatin) o& the +or!s
0+in!,0 an! 0ra!iance,0 an! 0s$n%i)ht,0 an! 0star"0 I *e't
thin*in)- Ho+ !i! they *no+<
The 0&a(ore! 'oe# " " " sy#bo%ic o& Treya,0 #y a$nt ha!
sent to #e, +as (ery si#'%e-
Do not stan! at #y )ra(e an! +ee',
I a# not there" I !o not s%ee'"
I a# a tho$san! +in!s that b%o+,
I a# the !ia#on! )%ints on sno+"
I a# the s$n%i)ht on ri'ene! )rain,
I a# the )ent%e a$t$#ns rain"
When yo$ a+a*e in #ornin)s h$sh,
I a# the s+i&t $'%i&tin) r$sh
O& >$iet bir!s in circ%e! &%i)ht"
I a# the so&t star that shines at ni)ht"
Do not stan! at #y )ra(e an! cry,
I a# not there" " " "
Here is a %etter, &ro# a +o#an +ho ha! #et Treya on%y
once, a +o#an +ho +as nonethe%ess o(er+he%#e! by her
'resence 4I *e't thin*in)- This is so ty'ica%, beca$se a%% yo$
ha! to !o +as #eet Treya once5 2
0The !rea# ca#e on Mon!ay ni)ht the Eth, be&ore I
*ne+ Treya +as in the %ast ho$rs o& her %i&e"
0As +ith #ost e(eryone, I &e%t so #$ch the 'resence
o& her )reat so$% an! ha(e carrie! it, %i*e the %i)ht that
+as a%% aro$n! her, +ith #e since then" The on%y other
ti#e I(e seen an! &e%t that *in! o& %i)ht aro$n! 'eo'%e
+as in the 'resence o& ;a%$ Rin'oche"0
4When ;a%$ %earne! o& her !eath, he 'er&or#e! a s'ecia%
'rayer &or Treya" =or Da*ini Win!"5
0Maybe thats +hy the 'ath +as o'en to !rea# o& her
o$t o& no+here that ni)ht" She to$che! so #any o& $s
so !ee'%y"
0In the !rea#, Treya +as %yin) 2 &%oatin) 2 on air"""" As
I %oo*e! on, a )reat so$n! ca#e, an! soon I rea%i8e! that
it +as the +in! co#in)" It b%e+ a%% aro$n! her bo!y, an!
as it !i!, her bo!y be)an to stretch o$t, beco#in) &iner,
$nti% it beca#e trans%$cent an! too* on a so&t )%o+" The
+in! *e't b%o+in) aro$n! her an! thro$)h her +ith a
so$n! that +as a%so so#eho+ #$sic" Her bo!y beca#e
#ore an! #ore trans'arent an! then be)an s%o+%y
b%en!in) into the sno+s on the si!e o& the #o$ntain """
then $' an! $' +ith the +in! into that &ine, crysta%%ine
'o+!er that s#o*es o&& the #o$ntainto' to beco#e a
tri%%ion stars, an! e(ent$a%%y the s*y itse%&"
0I +o*e $' cryin) that #ornin), &i%%e! +ith a+e an!
bea$ty" """0
So the %etters +ent"
A&ter the 'assin)/o(er cere#ony, +e a%% +atche! the
(i!eo o& Treya s'ea*in) at Win!star" An! an i#a)e +ent
thro$)h #y #in!, the #ost !i&&ic$%t i#a)e I +i%% e(er ha(e,
an i#a)e that +i%% ne(er %ea(e #e- When +e &irst recei(e!
this (i!eo &ro# Win!star, I '%aye! it &or Treya" She +as
sittin) there, in her chair, too tire! to #o(e, hoo*e! to
o1y)en, in #$ch !isco#&ort" I '%aye! the (i!eo, the (i!eo o&
her s'ea*in) so strai)ht&or+ar!%y an! so stron)%y, .$st a &e+
#onths a)o, the (i!eo in +hich she ha! sai!, so c%ear%y,
0Beca$se I can no %on)er i)nore !eath, I 'ay #ore attention
to %i&e"0 The s'eech that ha! #a!e )ro+n #en +ee' an!
'eo'%e c%a' +ith .oy"
I %oo*e! at Treya" I %oo*e! at that (i!eo" I sa+ both
i#a)es to)ether in #y #in!" The stron) Treya, an! then
the Treya cri''%e! by this cr$e% !isease" An! then Treya
sai! to #e, thro$)h her )reat !isco#&ort- 0Di! I !o a%%
ri)ht<0
I ha(e seen, in this %i&eti#e, in this bo!y, the )reat &i(e/
'ointe! cos#ic star, the ra!iant star o& &ina% re%ease, the
star +hose na#e +i%% a%+ays be, &or #e """ 0Treya"0
A%oha, an! 6o!s'ee!, #y !earest Treya" I +i%% a%+ays,
a%rea!y, &in! yo$" 03o$ 'ro#ise<0 she +his'ere! yet a)ain
to #e" 0I 'ro#ise, #y !earest Treya"0 I 'ro#ise"
Se&ected Readin"s
Achterber), Ieanne" ,magery in Healing" Boston an! Lon!on-
Sha#bha%a 7$b%ications, :EBK"
Anthony, Dic*, Br$ce Ec*er, an! ;en Wi%ber" Spiritual
(hoices1 The -roblems of Recogni4ing *uthentic -aths to
,nner Transformation" Ne+ 3or*- 7ara)on Ho$se, :EB@"
Arieti, Si%(ano" The ,ntrapsychic Self" Ne+ 3or*- Basic Boo*s,
:EM@"
Assa)io%i, Roberto" -sychosynthesis" Ne+ 3or*- Hobbs,
Dor#an, :E@:"
A$robin!o" The Life Di#ine" 7on!icherry- Centenary Library,
:EB2"
Bec*er, Ernst" The Denial of Death" Ne+ 3or*- =ree 7ress,
:E@C"
Be%%ah, Robert, et a%" Habits of the Heart" Ber*e%ey-
Dni(ersity o& Ca%i&ornia 7ress :EBK"
B%anc*, 6ertr$!e, an! R$bin B%anc*" )go -sychology ,,1
-sychoanalytic De#elopmental -sychology" Ne+ 3or*-
Co%$#bia Dni(ersity 7ress, :E@E"
Bro$)hton, Iohn" 0The De#elopment of /atural
)pistemology in *dolescence and )arly *dulthood30
Doctora% !issertation, Har(ar! Dni(ersity, :E@K"
Ca#'be%%, Iose'h" The $as!s of +od, (o%s" :/K" Ne+ 3or*-
Ai*in) 7ress, :EKE, :EM2, :EMH, :EMB"
Ca'ra, =rit.o&" The Tao of -hysics" Ne+ 3or*- Banta# Boo*s,
:E@@" Boston- Sha#bha%a 7$b%ications, :EBK 42n! e!"5,
:EE: 4Cr! e!"5"
C%i&&or!, Terry" Tibetan 'uddhist $edicine and -sychiatry"
3or* Beach, Me"- Sa#$e% Weiser, :EBH"
Coo#aras+a#y, Anan!a" Time and )ternity" Ascona,
S+it8er%an!- Artib$s Asiae, :EH@" * (ourse in $iracles"
Tib$ron, Ca%i&"- =o$n!ation &or Inner 7eace, :E@K"
Co$sins, Nor#an" The Healing Heart" Ne+ 3or*- A(on, :EBH"
Da =ree Iohn" The Da%n Horse Testament" C%ear%a*e, Ca%i&"-
Da+n Horse 7ress, :EBM"
Ec*hart, Meister" $eister )c!hart" Trans" by E!#$n!
Co%%e!)e an! Bernar! Mc6inn" Ne+ 3or*- 7a$%ist 7ress,
:EB:"
Eri*son, Eri*" ,dentity and the Life (ycle" Ne+ 3or*- Ne+
3or*- Internationa% Dni(ersity 7ress, :EKE"
=aye, Martha" * $ortal (ondition" Ne+ 3or*- Co+ar!/
McCann, :EBC"
=o+%er, Ia#es" Stages of "aith3 San =rancisco- Har'er U
Ro+, :EB:"
=ran*%, Ai*tor" $an's Search for $eaning" Boston- Beacon
7ress, :EMC"
=re$!, Si)#$n!" (i#ili4ation and ,ts Discontents" Ne+ 3or*-
W" W" Norton, :EC0, :EM:" The )go and the ,d 4:E2C5"
Stan!ar! E!ition, (o%" :E" Lon!on- Ho)arth 7ress, :EM:"
A +eneral ,ntroduction to -sychoanalysis" Ne+ 3or*-
7oc*et Boo*s, :E@:"
6i%%i)an, Caro%" ,n a Different oice" Ca#bri!)e- Har(ar!
Dni(ersity 7ress, :EB2"
6o!!ar!, D+i)ht" * 'uddhist 'ible" Boston- Beacon 7ress,
:EMM"
6ro&, Stanis%a(" Realms of the Human ;nconscious" Ne+
3or*- Ai*in) 7ress, :E@K"
Haber#as, I$r)en" (ommunication and the )#olution of
Society" Boston- Beacon 7ress, :E@E" The -hilosophical
Discourse of $odernity" Ca#bri!)e- MIT 7ress, :EE0"
Hart, Wi%%ia#" The *rt of Li#ing1 ipassana $editation as
Taught by S3 /3 +oen!a" San =rancisco- Har'er U Ro+,
:EB@"
Hay+ar!, Iere#y" Shifting Worlds, (hanging $inds1 Where
the Sciences and 'uddhism $eet" Boston an! Lon!on-
Sha#bha%a 7$b%ications, :EB@"
He)e%, 6eor)" The -henomenology of $ind" I" Bai%ie 4trans"5"
Ne+ 3or*- Har'er U Ro+, :EHE"
Hi1on, Le1" Co#in) Ho#e- The )2perience of
)nlightenment in Sacred Traditions" Los An)e%es- Iere#y
Tarcher, :EBE"
Ho&&#an, E!+ar!" The Way of Splendor1 0e%ish $ysticism
and $odern -sychology" Boston an! Lon!on- Sha#bha%a
7$b%ications, :EB:"
H$#e, Robert 4trans"5" The Thirteen -rincipal ;panishads"
Lon!on- O1&or! Dni(ersity 7ress, :E@H"
H$1%ey, A%!o$s" The -erennial -hilosophy" Ne+ 3or*- Har'er
U Ro+, :EHH"
Ia#'o%s*y, 6era%!" Lo#e ,s Letting +o of "ear" Mi%%brae,
Ca%i&"- Ce%estia% Arts, :E@E"
Iohn o& the Cross" The Dar! /ight of the Soul" 6ar!en City,
N"3"- Do$b%e/!ay?Anchor, :EKE"
I$n), C" 6" *nalytical -sychology1 ,ts Theory and -ractice"
Ne+ 3or*- Ainta)e 7ress, :EM:" $an and His Symbols"
Ne+ 3or*- De%%, :EMH" The -ortable 0ung" Iose'h
Ca#'be%% 4e!"5" Ne+ 3or*- Ai*in) 7ress, :E@:"
;a%$ Rin'oche" The +em .rnament of $anifold .ral
,nstructions" San =rancisco- ;D;, :EBM"
;a'%ea$, 7hi%i'" The Three -illars of &en" Boston- Beacon
7ress, :EMK"
;eatin), Tho#as" .pen $ind, .pen Heart1 The
(ontemplati#e Dimension of the +ospels" Ne+ 3or*-
A#ity, :EBM"
;ernber), Otto" 'orderline (onditions and -athological
/arcissism" Ne+ 3or*- Iason Aronson, :E@K"
;oh%ber), La+rence" )ssays on $oral De#elopment" San
=rancisco- Har'er U Ro+, :EB:"
;oh$t, Hein8" The Restoration of the Self" Ne+ 3or*-
Internationa% Dni(ersity 7ress, :E@@"
;on)tr$%, Ia#)on" The +reat -ath of *%a!ening" Trans" by
;en McLeo!" Boston an! Lon!on- Sha#bha%a
7$b%ications, :EB@"
;rishna#$rti, I" The "irst and Last "reedom" Wheaton, I%%"-
O$est, :EKH"
La#a Shab*ar" The "light of the +aruda" ;ath#an!$, Ne'a%-
Ran).$n) 3eshe 7$b%ications, :EBB"
Lasch, Christo'her" The (ulture of /arcissism" Ne+ 3or*- W"
W" Norton, :E@E"
La1, Eric" Life and Death on Ten West" Ne+ 3or*- De%%, :EBH"
Le(enson, =re!eric*" The (auses and -re#ention of (ancer"
Che%sea, Mich"- Scarbro$)h Ho$se, :EBM"
Le(ine, Ste'hen" Healing into Life and Death" Ne+ 3or*-
Do$b%e!ay?Anchor, :EB@"
Loc*e, Ste(en, an! Do$)%as Co%%i)an" The Healer Within"
Ne+ 3or*- E" 7" D$tton, :EBM"
Loe(in)er, Iane" )go De#elopment" San =rancisco- Iossey/
Bass, :E@M"
Mah%er, Mar)aret, =re! 7ine, an! Anni Ber)#an" The
-sychological 'irth of the Human ,nfant" Ne+ 3or*- Basic
Boo*s, :E@K"
Mas%o+, Abraha#" The "urther Reaches of Human /ature"
Ne+ 3or*- Ai*in) 7ress, :E@:"
M$r'hy, Michae%, an! Ste(en Dono(an" The -hysical and
-sychological )ffects of $editation" San Ra&ae%, Ca%i&"-
Esa%en Instit$te, :EBE"
Norb$, Na#*hai" The (ycle of Day and /ight" Barryto+n,
N"3"- Station Hi%% 7ress, :EB@"
7ia)et, Iean" The )ssential -iaget" E!" by Ho+ar! E" 6r$ber
an! I" Iac>$es Aoneche" Ne+ 3or*- Basic Boo*s, :E@@"
Ra#ana Maharshi" The (ollected Wor!s of Ramana
$aharshi" E!" By Arth$r Osborne" 3or* Beach, Me"-
Weiser, :E@0" The Spiritual Teaching of Ramana
$aharshi" Boston an! Lon!on- Sha#bha%a, :E@2, :EBB"
Tal!s %ith Sri Ramana $aharshi" C (o%s" Tir$(anna#a%ai-
Sri Ra#anasra#a#, :E@2"
Reyno%!s, Iohn Myr!hin 4trans"5" Self<Liberation through
Seeing %ith /a!ed *%areness" Barryto+n, N"3"- Station
Hi%% 7ress, :EBE"
Rin), ;enneth" Life at Death" Ne+ 3or*- Co+ar!, McCann Uc
6eo)he)an, :EB0"
Sch$on, =rit.o&" Logic and Transcendence" Ne+ 3or*- Har'er
U Ro+, :E@K"
S#ith, H$ston" "orgotten Truth" Ne+ 3or*- Har'er U Ro+,
:E@M"
Sonta), S$san" ,llness as $etaphor" Ne+ 3or*- Ainta)e
Boo*s, :E@E"
S$8$*i, D" T" 4trans"5" Lan!a#atara Sutra" Bo$%!er- 7ra.na
7ress, :E@B"
S$8$*i Sh$nry$" &en $ind, 'eginner's $ind" Ne+ 3or*-
Weatherhi%%, :E@0"
Tei%har! !e Char!in, 7ierre" The -henomenon of $an" Ne+
3or*- Har'er U Ro+, :EMH"
Tr$n)'a, Cho)ya#" The $yth of "reedom" Ber*e%ey-
Sha#bha%a 7$b%ications, :E@M"
Tse%e Natso* Ran)!ro%" The (ircle of the Sun" Hon) ;on)-
Ran).$n) 3eshe 7$b%ications, :EE0"
T$%*$ Thon!$' Rin'oche" 'uddha $ind1 *n *nthology of
Longchen Rab8am's Writings on D4ogpa (henpo" Ithaca,
N"3"- Sno+ Lion, :EBE"
Aa$)han, =rances" *%a!ening ,ntuition" 6ar!en City, N"3-
Do$b%e!ay? Anchor, :E@E" The ,n%ard *rc1 Healing and
Wholeness in -sychotherapy and Spirituality" Boston an!
Lon!on- Sha#bha%a 7$b%ications, :EBM"
Wa%sh, Ro)er" Staying *li#e1 The -sychology of Human
Sur#i#al" Boston an! Lon!on- Sha#bha%a 7$b%ications,
:EBH" The Spirit of Shamanism" Los An)e%es- Iere#y
Tarcher, :EE0"
Wa%sh, Ro)er, an! Deane Sha'iro 4e!s"5" 'eyond Health and
/ormality1 )2plorations of )2ceptional -sychological
Well<'eing" Ne+ 3or*- Aan Nostran! Reinho%!, :EBC"
Wa%sh, Ro)er, an! =rances Aa$)han" 'eyond )go1
Transpersonal Dimensions in -sychology" Los An)e%es-
Iere#y Tarcher, :EB0"
Watts, A%an" The Supreme ,dentity" Ne+ 3or*- Ainta)e
Boo*s, :E@2"
Wei W$ Wei" .pen Secret" Hon) ;on) Dni(ersity 7ress,
:EMK"
Wi%ber, ;en" The Spectrum of (onsciousness" Wheaton, I%%"-
O$est, :E@@" /o 'oundary1 )astern and Western
*pproaches to -ersonal +ro%th" Boston an! Lon!on-
Sha#bha%a 7$b%ications, :E@E" The *tman -ro8ect1 *
Transpersonal ie% of Human De#elopment" Wheaton,
I%%"- O$est, :EB0" ;p from )den1 * Transpersonal ie% of
Human )#olution" Boston an! Lon!on- Sha#bha%a
7$b%ications, :EB2" * Sociable +od1 * 'rief ,ntroduction
to a Transcendental Sociology" Boston an! Lon!on-
Sha#bha%a 7$b%ications, :EBC" 9uantum 9uestions1
$ystical Writings of the World's +reat -hysicists" Boston
an! Lon!on- Sha#bha%a 7$b%ications, :EBH" The
Holographic -aradigm1 )2ploring the Leading )dge of
Science" Boston an! Lon!on- Sha#bha%a 7$b%ications,
:EBK" )ye to )ye1 The 9uest for the /e% -aradigm"
Boston an! Lon!on- Sha#bha%a 7$b%ications, :EE0"
Wi%ber, ;en, Iac* En)%er, an! Danie% 7" Bro+n"
Transformations of (onsciousness1 (on#entional and
(ontemplati#e -erspecti#es on De#elopment" Boston
an! Lon!on- Sha#bha%a 7$b%ications, :EBM"
L$*ay, 6ary" The Dancing Wu Li $asters" Ne+ 3or*-
Morro+, :E@E"
i
/o 'oundary1 )astern and Western *pproaches to -ersonal +ro%th,
The *tman -ro8ect1 * Transpersonal ie% of Human De#elopment, *
Sociable +od1 * 'rief -roduction to a Transcendental Sociology, ;p
from )den1 * Transpersonal ie% of Human )#olution, )ye to )ye1 The
9uest for the /e% -aradigm"
ii
A%% >$otes in this section are &ro# 9uantum 9uestions"
iii
/e% 7or! Times, A'ri% 2H, :EBB- 0Statistics re%ease! recent%y s$))est
that, &ar &ro# +innin) the +ar on breast cancer, +e #ay act$a%%y be
%osin) )ro$n!" " " " +o#en o(er K0 s$r(i(e the !isease no %on)er to!ay
than they !i! a !eca!e a)o, an! +o#en $n!er K0 ha! a K 'ercent
)reater #orta%ity rate in :EBK than in :E@K"0
i,
Thro$)ho$t this acco$nt Treya s'ea*s o& the tra!itiona% association o&
#asc$%ine +ith !oin), +ith the #in!, +ith Hea(en 4%o)ic5, an! the
&e#inine +ith bein), +ith the bo!y, +ith the Earth" Nee!%ess to say,
these are not har! an! &ast !i(isions b$t 'ersona% 're&erences, nor
!oes it i#'%y that #en cant be or +o#en cant !o" It is si#'%y the +ay
Treya herse%& ca#e to thin* o& these !istinctions as they a''eare! in
herse%& an! in #e" Treya &e%t that the &irst +a(e o& &e#inis# +as
'ro(in) that +o#en co$%! !o .$st as +e%% as #en, b$t the secon! +a(e
+o$%! be ret$rnin) to the +ays o& bein) that +o#en see# nati(e%y to
better $n!erstan!" I a# )oin) to &o%%o+ Treya in this ter#ino%o)y +hen
it co#es to this area, since she has been #y #ain teacher here"
,
In these !ays o& 0'o%itica%%y correct0 47C5 thin*in), the one thin) that is
consistent%y o(er%oo*e!, o& co$rse, is the 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy" The 7C
c%ai# is that a%% o& #o!ern ci(i%i8ation is no+ !o#inate! by thin*in)
that is E$rocentric, %o)ocentric, an! se1ist, an! that the on%y 'o%itica%%y
a!e>$ate or correct (ie+ is there&ore one that is, by contrast, ra!ica%%y
e)a%itarian an! '%$ra%istic, an! !enies that any +or%!(ie+ can be
0better0 than another" The 'rob%e# +ith this (ie+ is that, +hi%e it
c%ai#s to be a!#irab%y %ibera% 2 in that nothin) can be sai! to be
0better0 or 0hi)her0 2 it en!s $' abso%$te%y reactionary- i& nothin) is
better, then there is an! can be no %ibera% a)en!a, there can be no
i#'et$s to i#'ro(e a 'resent state o& a&&airs accor!in) to a b%$e'rint o&
a 0better0 state o& a&&airs" It $tter%y %ac*s a coherent an! inte)rati(e
(ision o& h$#an 'ossibi%ities" Moreo(er, ra!ica% '%$ra%is# is itse%& a
E$rocentric, %o)ocentric notion"
The 'erennia% 'hi%oso'hy, on the other han!, &irst arose in the
#atriarchy, an! th$s cannot be char)e! +ith inherent se1is#, it arose
in i%%iterate 'eo'%es, an! th$s is not %o)ocentric, an! it &irst &%o$rishe! in
+hat are no+ Secon! an! Thir! Wor%! co$ntries 2 it is har!%y
E$rocentric" =$rther#ore, it o&&ers +hat 7C tho$)ht cannot- an
inte)rati(e (ision that, +hi%e a%%o+in) each e1'ression its o+n &ree
s'ace, 'oints to a 0better0 state o& a&&airs- na#e%y, the s$'re#e
i!entity" It th$s has inherent in it a )en$ine %ibera% a)en!a- increasin)
&ree!o# on both an in!i(i!$a% an! societa% %e(e%"