JENNY

"Pilot"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion
Copyright 2014
Jenny
Half hour single camera sitcom
Recurring Characters:
Jenny - 27, attractive, aggressive, confrontational,
generally open-minded, supervising manager of a daytime talk
show similar to The Wendy Williams Show
Paul (Jennys father) - 70, fit and athletic for his age,
conservative, old school, politically incorrect, rude,
argumentative, narrow-minded
Jim (Jennys boyfriend) - 31, very liberal, Pilates
instructor, into New Age type culture, extreme Los Angeles
stereotype
Sam (Pauls friend) - 70, sociable, likable, easy to get
along with
Sandy (Pauls ex-wife, Jennys mother) - 65, cant stand
Paul
Laura Moreno - 38, Puerto Rican, gossipy, difficult,
"ghetto"
Bob (Jennys coworker) - 28, more or less a "yes-man"
Susan (Jennys Coworker) - 35, educated, comes from wealth
Pilot Episode
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
JENNY is eating cereal. Paul walks into the room.
JENNY
Good morning, daddy.
PAUL
Good morning, honey.
Paul sits down.
PAUL
Ive been meaning to talk to you
about something.
JENNY
OK.
2.
PAUL
Now, let me start off by saying
that Ive got nothing against the
gays.
JENNY
Um. Alright.
PAUL
Yeah. I even have gay friends.
JENNY
No you dont.
PAUL
Well. You know that young guy who
showed up to my last poker game? It
turns out that hes semi-gay.
JENNY
I have no idea what that means.
PAUL
Well. You know. He dates women. But
word on the street is that he gets
manicures. Regularly.
JENNY
That doesnt make him semi-gay.
PAUL
Toenails, too. I heard something
about toenails.
JENNY
Getting manicures and pedicures
doesnt make a man semi-gay.
PAUL
Well then what does make a man
semi-gay?
JENNY
Theres no such thing as semi-gay.
PAUL
Well. The point is, Ive got
nothing against the gays--whether
its the full gays, or the
semi-gays. But let me ask you this:
why are you dating one of the gays.
3.
JENNY
For the last time, daddy--Jim is
not gay.
PAUL
Well. If hes not gay, hes at
least semi-gay.
JENNY
Daddy! Theres no such thing as
semi-gay.
PAUL
Honey. Im just saying. Cant you
date a guy whos definitely
straight?
JENNY
Jim is definitely straight.
PAUL
Based on what?
JENNY
Based on his sexual orientation.
PAUL
Honey. You know what I mean. Date a
guy who, when you look at him, you
think, "This guy spends no more
than 30 seconds a month clipping
his nails."
JENNY
(sarcastically)
I dont know, daddy. A guy who
clips his nails is basically gay.
Real heterosexual men cut their
nails with a hunting knife. You
know what? How about I date the
Marlboro Man? Hes definitely
non-gay.
PAUL
Honey. I just want my daughter to
date a man who doesnt teach lattes
for a living.
JENNY
Lattes? Jim teaches Pilates.
4.
PAUL
Lattes, Pilates. They both sound
European and gay.
JENNY
Ughh. Did you know that its 2014?
You cant say things like that.
PAUL
Listen, honey. This isnt the Oprah
show. I can say whatever I want
when Im in my house.
JENNY
Um. Daddy. This is my house.
PAUL
Does Jim even watch sports?
JENNY
Is this part of your gay
questionnaire?
PAUL
Does he watch sports!
JENNY
Yes.
PAUL
You mean figure skating and
badminton?
JENNY
No.
PAUL
Then what?
JENNY
Ive seen him watch soccer.
PAUL
Soccer?! Thats even gayer and more
European than figure skating.
JENNY
Daddy! Enough!
5.
INT. THE LAURA MORENO SHOW SET (BACKSTAGE HALLWAY) - DAY
Jenny walks up to BOB (28).
BOB
Shes a handful. I dont even know
what shes talking about. Something
to do with vegetables and carpets.
I just--I dont know how to handle
her.
Jenny walks into a dressing room.
INT. THE LAURA MORENO SHOW SET (BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM) -
DAY
KENDRA JOHNSON (33) is sitting on a sofa.
JENNY
Hi Miss Johnson. Bob tells me you
need something.
KENDRA
Does my makeup look good?
JENNY
Its looks great.
Kendra gets on all fours.
KENDRA
Youve smelled the carpets, right?
JENNY
Uh--not lately. Should I?
KENDRA
Yes.
Jenny gets on all fours. Kendra sniffs.
KENDRA
Smell it.
Jenny sniffs.
KENDRA
What vacuum cleaner do you guys
use?
6.
JENNY
I dont know. I think Hoover. Do
you want me to check?
KENDRA
No. Youre using the wrong kind.
JENNY
Yeah. I know. Ive been meaning to
get those vacuum cleaners changed.
KENDRA
This isnt the right smell. This
smells ghetto. Does my makeup
really look good?
JENNY
Yes.
KENDRA
Can you bring me some celery
sticks?
Jenny looks at the celery sticks in a vegetable platter on
the table.
JENNY
Um. Sure. Ill have some delivered
to you right now.
KENDRA
Laura better not ask me anything
about my tax evasion charges, or
the whole thing with Woody Allen
and the pancakes.
JENNY
Dont worry. After I talked to you
yesterday, I gave Laura thorough
notes about what she should and
shouldnt bring up. Shes gonna ask
you about John, and youre gonna do
the whole pie thing. And then shes
gonna talk about your movie, and
the party at Jack Nicholsons
house.
KENDRA
Good. You know, the carpets here
are way too scruffy.
7.
JENNY
I know. Theyre awful. Im trying
to get them changed. Anyways, let
me go get your celery.
INT. THE LAURA MORENO SHOW SET (MAIN STAGE) - DAY
The Laura Moreno Show (a daytime talk show similar to Ellen
and The Wendy Williams Show) is in progress. Jenny is
standing near the cameramen. LAURA MORENO (38, Puerto Rican)
is on stage, and theres a an AUDIENCE of about 100
people, mostly women.
LAURA
OK. Lets get to it. Heres what
youve all been waiting for.
An exclusive interview. Everyones
been dying to hear what she has
to say. Give a warm welcome to my
first guest. The exquisite, Kendra
Johnson.
Kendra walks on stage.
LAURA
Now. I gotta talk about your
divorce. You know I do, girl. We
all want to hear about what
happened with you and John
Davidson.
KENDRA
What can I say? Hes a dog.
The crowd laughs, oohs, and claps.
KENDRA
You saw the pictures in Us, and
People, and everywhere.
LAURA
Damn right we saw the pictures!
Hes no good, girl. He is no good!
And good for you for breaking up
with him--because he is no good!
The crowd claps and cheers.
LAURA
Bob. Bring it over!
Bob walks on to the stage with a life size cutout of John
Davidson (handsome, 40).
8.
LAURA
Here at the Laura Moreno show, we
go the extra mile. We couldnt get
John Davidson himself, so we got
this version. I think hes the
better version, considering how he
cant say anything back to you.
Bob walks back on stage with a cream pie, and gives it to
Laura.
LAURA
I think you know what to do with
this. Slam that sucka in the face.
Kendra takes the pie, walks up to the cutout, and smashes
the pie in its face. The audience goes wild.
INT. THE LAURA MORENO SHOW SET (MAIN STAGE) - DAY
(Later)
Laura is wrapping up the show. The cutout of John Davidson
is still on stage.
LAURA
OK. Thatll do it. I want to thank
my wonderful guest Kendra Johnson,
and I dont want to thank her no
good ex, John Davidson.
She walks up to the cutout, punches it in the face, and
turns back to the audience.
LAURA
My name is Laura Moreno, and Ill
see you tomorrow.
The crowd claps and cheers.
INT. THE LAURA MORENO SHOW SET (BACKSTAGE MEETING ROOM - DAY
Jenny, Bob, and SUSAN (35) are seated at a table. Laura
walks in and sits down.
LAURA
OK. That was good, right?
Jenny stares at her angrily.
9.
LAURA
I know that look. Its the same
look that was on my cousin
Fernandos face, right before he
stabbed my cousin Ricky at the
wedding of my cousin Carlos.
Jenny continues to stare at her angrily.
BOB
Carlos got married? Tell him I said
congratulations.
LAURA
You know my cousin Carlos?
BOB
Not really.
JENNY
(angry, to Laura)
I told you not to ask Kendra about
money!
LAURA
Well. You told me a lot of stuff.
You gave me ten instructions. I
followed nine of them. 90%. Thats
an A minus.
JENNY
I wish cousin Fernando stabbed you
instead of Carlos.
LAURA
Um. Fernando didnt stab Carlos. He
stabbed Ricky.
JENNY
You get my point.
LAURA
Whats your point? That you skipped
all of your anger management
classes?
JENNY
My point is that Kendra is pissed
at you. Isnt she pissed, Bob?
BOB
Well. Yeah.
10.
JENNY
Describe how pissed she is.
BOB
Id say shes very pissed.
LAURA
So what? That bitch is always very
pissed.
(to Susan)
Isnt that bitch always very
pissed, Susan?
SUSAN
Well. I suppose that bitch does
have a tendency to be very pissed.
JENNY
(to Laura)
Have you ever heard of Rosie
ODonnell?
LAURA
Honey--why are you asking me such
crazy questions? Of course Ive
heard of Rosie ODonnell.
JENNY
Well. Do you know what shes doing
now?
LAURA
No.
JENNY
Exactly! No one knows what shes
doing! Because shes not doing
anything! Do you know why shes
not doing anything?
LAURA
No.
JENNY
Because she didnt play the game
right. She asked the wrong
questions. She pissed off the wrong
people. ... Do you know where we
are?
LAURA
Holy crap, Jenny. Stop asking me
all these questions. I feel like
youre giving me a pop quiz.
11.
JENNY
Were in Hollywood! When in
Hollywood, you do as the
Hollywoodians do. Otherwise,
Hollywood cancels your show. Right,
Bob?
BOB
Hollywoodians?
JENNY
Right, Bob?
BOB
Right.
INT. HYBRID - DAY
JIM is driving his car on an LA street, chanting along in
Nepali to some New Age song on his stereo. He gets a call
from Jenny.
JIM
(on phone / Bluetooth)
Namaste.
INT. JENNYS LIVING ROOM - DAY
JENNY
(on phone)
Yeah. Ditto.
(Back and forth between Jims car and Jennys living room.)
JIM
How was work?
JENNY
Laura is so annoying! She doesnt
listen to me! You know, I think one
day Im gonna stab her, the way
cousin Ricky stabbed cousin
Fernando.
JIM
Who are cousin Ricky and cousin
Fernando?
JENNY
The stab-er, and the stab-ee.
12.
JIM
Calm down, honey. Remember what
Meditation Mike said?
JENNY
Who cares what Meditation Mike
said? He wouldnt last one second
in Hollywood. I should stab him,
too.
JIM
(calm)
Jenny. Put down the shank. Work is
over.
JENNY
Right.
JIM
You know what Im doing right now?
Im using my kundalini energy to
give you a long distance foot rub.
JENNY
That feels good. So when are you
gonna bring your kundalini over
here and give me a short distance
foot rub?
JIM
Soon. Im just gonna do a few
things first. Pick up some dry
cleaning, and get a manicure.
JENNY
A manicure?
JIM
Yeah.
JENNY
Thats, uh--thats interesting.
JIM
Is it?
JENNY
Well--its just that I was talking
to my father today, and the subject
of manicures came up.
13.
JIM
Um. How did that come up?
JENNY
Well, you know how it is. When you
talk about the gays, you have to
talk about manicures.
JIM
Thats what they say on Fox News.
JENNY
Which manicurist do you go to? I
hope we use the same one. That
would be kind of weird.
JIM
Im gonna go to the one on Santa
Monica and Olympic. Its right near
that eco-friendly dry cleaners that
Aiden owns.
JENNY
Ive never heard of it. I thought
Aiden owned an eco-friendly
appliance store.
JIM
No. Youre thinking of Aiden Smith.
Im talking about Aiden Schwimmer.
JENNY
Right. ... You know, maybe we
should diversify our social circle
a little. I mean, I dont think we
should be friends with two
different eco-friendly Aidens.
JIM
You want to drop an Aiden?
JENNY
Or we can offset one. Like on
Sunday, lets do brunch with some
guy named Tony who owns an
eco-unfriendly Hummer dealership.
How does that sound?
JIM
Um. I vote yea on the brunch, and
nay on Tony.
14.
JENNY
Wait. Which Aiden is Aiden
Schwimmer?
JIM
Hes the one who looks like
Chandler from Friends.
JENNY
His name is Schwimmer. Are you sure
he doesnt look like Ross from
Friends?
JIM
Im pretty sure. Yeah--he opened up
the dry cleaners a few months ago.
Its the hot spot now for dry
cleaning. The last time I was
there, I saw Jennifer Love Hewitt,
and a Tibetan Buddhist monk.
JENNY
You saw a Tibetan Buddhist monk at
a dry cleaners?
JIM
Yeah.
JENNY
What did he need to get dry
cleaned? His robe?
JIM
I dont know. I didnt see him
holding any items.
JENNY
Well maybe he was just meditating
with Jennifer Love Hewitt.
JIM
No. She came in a minute after he
left.
JENNY
OK. This has been one of the most
bizarre conversations ever. Um.
Anyways, I was just--I was
just thinking. Do you want to go to
a, uh, um, a basketball game some
time?
15.
JIM
What do you mean?
JENNY
We can go see the Lakers play.
JIM
Ive never really thought about
going to a basketball game. You
know Im not really into
sports--except maybe soccer.
JENNY
You dont like basketball?
JIM
Well. Its never really gotten my
juices flowing. But I suppose we
can go to a game. Is Michael Jordan
playing here anytime soon?
JENNY
Not anytime soon. Michael Jordan
retired ten years ago.
JIM
Oh. Well. Thats too bad. I heard
his performances were spellbinding.
JENNY
His performances were spellbinding?
JIM
Yeah.
JENNY
Jim. Were talking about
basketball--not Phantom of the
Opera.
JIM
You know what? Im near your house
right now. Ill just get a manicure
and do the other stuff tomorrow.
Ill see you in a few minutes.
JENNY
OK. Bye, honey.
JIM
Bye.
16.
INT. JENNYS LIVING ROOM - DAY
Paul walks in the room.
PAUL
You know Calvins son? Bill?
JENNY
Yeah.
PAUL
Hes a doctor.
JENNY
I know. So?
PAUL
Im just saying. Some men wear
gloves and do brain surgery, and
other men wear spandex and teach
lattes.
JENNY
Bill isnt a brain surgeon--hes a
proctologist.
PAUL
Hes a doctor, he clips his nails,
and hes single.
JENNY
Daddy. Im not going out with Bill
the proctologist.
PAUL
Great. Ill tell him to give you a
call.
JENNY
I dont get why you think you can
run my life, I mean, you live in my
house.
PAUL
A. I live in your guest house. And
B. I pay rent.
JENNY
A. You dont pay rent. And B. You
sleep in my guest house, and you
hang out a lot in my greater house
region.
17.
PAUL
A. I do pay rent, in the form of
all the advice I give you. And B.
Heres todays advice: Break up
with your gay boyfriend.
JENNY
A. Youre absolutely right in
thinking that your advice is a form
of currency. And B. I still dont
get why you get to run my life.
PAUL
Because C. Im your father.
The doorbell rings.
JENNY
Well. D. That must be Jim.
PAUL
Then E. Im going to my room.
Paul walks to out.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
(The following morning)
Paul is eating cereal at the kitchen table, and dressed in
an undershirt and shorts. Jenny walks into the room, dressed
for work.
PAUL
Good morning, honey.
JENNY
Good morning, daddy.
She sits down and pours a bowl of cereal.
JENNY
Can you pass the syrup?
PAUL
A. Theres no syrup. And B. Were
eating cereal.
JENNY
Jim and I broke up last night.
18.
PAUL
... Oh. ... Thats... Well...
JENNY
Hold that thought.
She grabs a container of ice cream out of the freezer, take
it to the table, and user her spoon to eat straight from the
container.
JENNY
Continue.
PAUL
So you broke up with Jim?
JENNY
Yes.
PAUL
Well. I guess now you can go out
with Bill the doctor.
JENNY
Dad--I dont like Bill the
proctologist.
PAUL
OK. Well--the important thing is
that youre no longer dating Jim
the gay.
JENNY
(annoyed)
Dad. I just broke up with my
boyfriend of almost a year.
PAUL
Right. Sorry, honey. What happened?
JENNY
Well. After dinner, we went out for
coffee. And we started talking
about the two Aidens.
PAUL
The two What-ins?
JENNY
Aidens. We know two guys named
Aiden. Anyways, Jim is just so...
hes so...
19.
PAUL
Annoying. Effeminate. Lazy.
Liberal.
JENNY
Narrow-minded.
PAUL
Thats a good one, too. I wouldve
gone with annoying, though.
JENNY
He just--he doesnt even want to go
to a basketball game. Not one. He
wants to do eco-friendly things,
with eco-friendly people.
PAUL
Is "eco-friendly" a slang term for
gay?
JENNY
No, daddy. Its just that Jim
doesnt want to be a person person.
Hes just a very narrow type of
person with a very narrow type of
outlook, and narrow type of
lifestyle.
PAUL
Exactly. Hes a damn idiot.
JENNY
Hes not a damn idiot. Hes just
not the type of person I really
want to spend my life with.
PAUL
I hear you loud and clear, honey.
Hes a damn idiot.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Paul is shooting baskets with SAM. Paul sinks a shot
perfectly. Paul passes the ball to him.
SAM
Thats like ten in a row. How come
the Lakers havent signed you yet?
20.
PAUL
Because I got a bad knee, and a
prostate thats bigger than this
basketball.
He shoots and makes another basket.
PAUL
Did I tell you that Jenny broke up
with that damn idiot Jim?
SAM
Congratulations, Paul.
PAUL
Thank you.
He shoots and makes another basket.
PAUL
Alright, I think were done
exercising.
They walk over to a bench, take out cigars, and start
smoking them.
SAM
Dont these cigars kind of offset
the exercise we just did?
PAUL
Dont worry. My uncle Charles used
to smoke ten of these every day.
SAM
How long did he live?
PAUL
He used to eat a plate of bacon
every day.
SAM
How long did he live?
PAUL
He used to drink a bottle of
whiskey every day.
SAM
How long did he live?
21.
PAUL
He used to cheat on his wife every
day.
SAM
How long did he live?
PAUL
Not very long. His wife killed him.
But let me just say this. She
inhaled all of his secondhand
smoke, and she lived till she was
103.
A WOMAN walks by with her SON.
WOMAN
(to Paul and Sam)
Do you have to smoke here? I mean,
this is a park.
PAUL
Miss. This is an area of the park
designated for smoking. If you
dont like the smoke, why dont you
go park your ass in one of those
non-smoking areas?
SON
Mommy--he said ass.
WOMAN
Well, Johnny--thats because hes
an asshole.
SON
Mommy--you said asshole.
PAUL
Johnny--dont say that word. That
word is for grown-ups. Its the
word your mommy says to your daddy
ten times a day.
SON
Mommy--do you call daddy an asshole
ten times a day?
WOMAN
No, Johnny. I tell him "I love you"
ten times a day. Now lets go get
some ice cream.
22.
They walk away, and the woman turns around for a moment to
give Paul the middle finger.
SAM
Paul. Why do you have to be such an
asshole?
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Paul and Sam are eating tomatoes.
SAM
Paul. Why the hell are we eating
tomatoes?
PAUL
Its good for your prostate. Im on
the tomatoes and tobacco diet.
Pauls phone makes a noise, indicating he got a text
message.
PAUL
What the hell does that mean?
He takes out his phone.
SAM
It means you got a text.
PAUL
Well, Im not into all that
eco-friendly text stuff.
SAM
Eco-friendly? Whats that?
PAUL
I dont know. Its definitely
something I hate.
SAM
If you dont text, whyd you buy
this phone last week?
PAUL
Phil told me I could use it to
listen to 1260 AM in Brooklyn. I
still dont know how, though.
23.
SAM
You gotta download apps.
PAUL
No thanks.
SAM
Why not?
PAUL
Listen, Sam. Paul Jones doesnt
download apps.
SAM
Why not?
PAUL
Because Paul Jones doesnt know
what "download" means, and he
doesnt know what "app" means.
SAM
Well. You gotta download apps.
Everyone downloads apps.
PAUL
How do I download apps?
SAM
How the hell should I know? Sam
Jacobson doesnt download apps. His
son does it for him.
Jenny walks in the kitchen.
PAUL
Hi honey.
JENNY
Hi daddy. Hi Sam.
SAM
Well. If it isnt Miss Hollywood
herself. You know, I knew you when
you were a little girl--and now
youre running a big show on
channel 5.
JENNY
Well. Sort of it. I dont run it.
Im the Supervising Manager.
24.
SAM
Youre running it. Your father
tells me everyone takes orders from
you. Even, uh, whats her name? The
Puerto Rican girl.
JENNY
Laura Moreno.
SAM
Yeah. Shes the star. And you yell
at her.
JENNY
Well. I dont yell at her.
SAM
Your father tells me he hears you
on the phone yelling at her.
JENNY
I raise my voice at her. Sometimes.
SAM
The point is, Laura Mofeno takes
orders from you.
JENNY
Laura Moreno.
SAM
Whatever her name is, shes a big
star--and youre the boss.
Paul--you did a good job raising
her. Great job. She runs the show.
Just like that Jewish guy. The one
who did the alien movie.
JENNY
Jewish guy? Alien movie?
SAM
In the 80s. He made an alien movie.
JENNY
Are you talking about Steven
Spielberg?
SAM
Yeah. Spielberg. Jenny is like
another Spielberg.
25.
JENNY
OK. If you say so.
SAM
Anyways, I gotta go. So long.
PAUL
So long.
JENNY
Bye.
Sam leaves.
Jenny pours a glass of juice.
PAUL
So. Wasnt it nice not talking to
Jim today?
JENNY
Well. It was different.
PAUL
You should go out with your
girlfriends tonight. You havent
done too much of that lately.
JENNY
I--I have a date tonight.
PAUL
With who?
JENNY
Someone.
PAUL
OK. Would you care to tell me who
someone is?
JENNY
A friend of a friend.
PAUL
Whats his name?
JENNY
Jerome.
PAUL
Whats Jeromes last name?
26.
JENNY
Watson.
PAUL
Jerome Watson?
JENNY
Yeah.
PAUL
So hes, um, you know... black.
JENNY
Yes. Hes black. Do you have a
problem with that?
PAUL
Of course not! You know I dont
have anything against the blacks. I
mean, I voted for Obama twice.
JENNY
Daddy--have you lost your mind? You
voted for McCain and Romney. You
even donated $100 to their
campaigns, and told me that Obama
wants to destroy America.
PAUL
I did all of that for completely
non-racial reasons. I vote for
Republicans and not Democrats,
without checking to see whose skin
is white and whose skin is black.
Thats what I meant when I said, "I
voted for Obama twice."
Politically, I was unwilling to
vote for him--but racially, I voted
for him twice.
JENNY
Well congratulations. Wait here
while I go get your NAACP award.
PAUL
Well how black is your date?
JENNY
What does that mean?
PAUL
Well, does he talk black?
27.
JENNY
Great question. Give me back your
NAACP award.
PAUL
Honey--you know what I mean. Is he
black like Obama, or black like
that Kanye West guy?
JENNY
Did you seriously just ask me that?
PAUL
Its a perfectly reasonable
question. What category of black is
he in?
JENNY
Im not gonna put him in a category
of black.
PAUL
Fine. Just put him in a category of
person. Is he a person like Obama,
or a person like that Kanye West
guy?
JENNY
... How do you even know who Kanye
West is?
PAUL
Kanye West. I know him.
JENNY
Oh yeah. Where did you hear about
him? Who mentioned him to you? Sean
Hannity or Rush Limbaugh?
PAUL
Neither. It was Bill OReilly. By
the way--I dont listen to Rush
Limbaugh. Or that racist guy Don
Imus.
JENNY
Great. Wait here while I get your
NAACP award.
PAUL
Just tell me a little more about
your date.
28.
JENNY
Well if you must know, my date is a
person like Obama, and not Kanye
West.
PAUL
Well. Thats no good,
either--because Obama is semi-gay.
JENNY
Daddy!
INT. PAULS ROOM - NIGHT
Paul dials a number on his phone.
INT. SANDYS BEDROOM - NIGHT
SANDY picks up the phone.
SANDY
Hi, Paul.
(Back and forth between Pauls Room and Sandys Bedroom)
PAUL
Hi. I just called to say Hi.
SANDY
You just called to say hi?
PAUL
Yeah. Oh, and also, Jenny broke up
with that damn idiot Jim.
SANDY
Yes, I know.
PAUL
And now shes on a date. With a guy
whos a lot like Obama.
SANDY
Obama?
PAUL
Hes, um... Hes black.
SANDY
Obamas black? Yes--I know.
29.
PAUL
Well--its not just Obama. Jennys
date is black.
SANDY
OK. Great. You know who else is
black? Morgan Freeman.
PAUL
Right. But Morgan Freeman doesnt
have a name like "Jerome Watson."
By the way--Im not racist. You
know that. I voted for Obama twice.
SANDY
You voted for Obama?--the guy you
said is gonna destroy America?
PAUL
Well. Not vote vote. Obama got my
racial vote. But my political vote
went to anyone other than Obama.
SANDY
Is there any way I can divorce you
again?
PAUL
That sounds good. How about we
renew our divorce vows?
SANDY
We dont have any divorce vows.
PAUL
I do. Ill have my divorce lawyer
send them over to you tomorrow.
SANDY
Bye, Paul.
PAUL
Bye.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Jenny walks in to the kitchen. dressed for work. Paul is
sitting at the breakfast table, eating Pop Tarts.
JENNY
Good morning, daddy.
30.
PAUL
Good morning, sweetie.
Jenny grabs some cereal, milk, and a bowl, sits down with
Paul, and makes and eats her cereal while talking to him.
PAUL
So how was your date last night?
JENNY
It was fine.
PAUL
So, what does my future son-in-law
Jerome do for a living?
JENNY
Well. Jerome is a software engineer
at Google. You know what Google is,
right?
PAUL
Yes I know what Google is. I know a
lot about computers and internets.
I even use my iPhone to download
apps.
JENNY
Since when do you download apps?
PAUL
Listen, young lady. Ive been
downloading apps since 1963. So,
uh, are you gonna go out on another
date with Jerome?
JENNY
Well. The thing is, Im back
together with Jim.
PAUL
Honey. Im trying to eat breakfast.
Do you want me to vomit my Pop
Tarts?
JENNY
Daddy!
PAUL
What I meant to say was, Im glad
you and my future son-in-law Jim
are back together. The thought of
the two of you getting married
(MORE)
31.
PAUL (contd)
makes my Pop Tarts taste even
better. By the way, whats Jims
address?
JENNY
Why do you want to know that?
PAUL
Because Im gonna go pay him a
visit and beat the crap out of him.
JENNY
Ugghh.
PAUL
How did you two get back together?
You were out with another guy last
night.
JENNY
Well. Jim texted me. And, you know,
we ended up getting back together.
PAUL
Thats interesting. Because your
mother texted me last night--and
now were getting back together.
JENNY
(not buying it all)
Oh really?
PAUL
No--not really. Any time your
mother texts me, I immediately
throw my phone in the toilet.
JENNY
Since when does mom text you? Do
you even know what a text is?
PAUL
Sure I do. Ive been texting since
1963.
JENNY
Right.
PAUL
Why are you back with Jim? You
should throw him and his lattes in
the toilet. We agreed that hes
annoying, and hes a damn idiot.
32.
JENNY
I never said that. I called him
narrow-minded.
PAUL
Hes that, too.
JENNY
Hes not. Were going to a
basketball game this Thursday.
PAUL
Is that a good reason to get back
together with someone? Dont forget
what a narrow-minded, annoying
idiot he is.
JENNY
Hes not. I just got carried away
yesterday.
PAUL
No you didnt. Honey--remember the
argument about the two bacons?
JENNY
The two Aidens.
PAUL
Whatever. That argument exposed Jim
for the son of bitch he is.
JENNY
Dad. Let me tell you a little
something that was told to me by
Meditation Mike. This applies to me
as well as it does to you. He said
that in dealing with people, its
easy to lose sight of the fact that
sometimes you just gotta ease off a
little. Just ease off a little.
PAUL
... Mediation Mike said that?
JENNY
Yeah.
PAUL
Well, give me his address,
too--because Im gonna kick his ass
right after I kick Jims ass.
33.
JENNY
Daddy!
PAUL
OK. Fine, honey. Mediation Mike. I
got it.
JENNY
Great.
PAUL
I love you, honey.
JENNY
I love you too, daddy.
PAUL
... You know, Bill drives a
Cadillac.
JENNY
Daddy--Im not going out with Bill.