8 Things That Crystal Meth Addicts NEED To Read

Its not easy having a severe addiction to an illegal drug in

todays world, even in 2014. People seem to have a naturally
hateful disposition toward others living an alternative lifestyle that
their 18th century minds would deem as debilitating and
unhealthy. These terms are hurtful, fascist, and downright
ignorant. If youre reading this, you may be terrifyingly dependent
on a substance that consumes the entirety of your thoughts and
eats away at your well-being, or you may be someone who is
equal parts drug free and narrow minded that is hoping to see
why in the world someone would even write an article like this.
Regardless of your proclivity to actually accepting all of what the
world has to offer instead of unjustly labeling those who choose to
use their God-given free will to live in a manner that brings them
joy as somehow sinful, it is my only hope that I may shed some
light on the subject of #methamphetamineenthusiastpride.
Nobody should ever feel ashamed for being how they want to be
(otherwise known as how theyre meant to be). Thats the
message, here.



1. YOU DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM. /// Thats right.
Despite what doctors, law enforcers, and the Above The
Influence anti-drug advertisement campaign may (attempt
to) force you to believe, your lifestyle choices are
absolutely not a problem and have no negative effects on
others. If someone is offended by something that you do
in the privacy of your own alley behind CVS, they are
obviously just incapable of accepting the changing of
times and are not the insightful, forward-thinking
individuals that you are. Remember, only the eight unholy
cockroach gods living in your walls can judge you.

2. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. /// Nobodys complexion is
perfect. Nobody has perfectly straight teeth (unless
someone does). Just because one of the many horrible
side effects of excessive crystalized methamphetamine
intake is the drastic altering of ones own physical features
and internal organ functionality doesnt mean that you are
any less lovely to hastily walk away from in less-than-
reputable parts of town. Not even Rashida Jones, pictured
above on the left, is flawless, albeit she is certainly the
closest thing to it. I mean, seriously, how talented, funny,
and gorgeous can one woman be? Shes heaven-sent,
like Jesse Lacey. Its perplexing. Her smile melts and
livens my cold, dead heart. What are we talking about
again?

3. THERE IS NOTHING MORE REASONABLE THAN
WHATEVER YOURE DOING RIGHT NOW. /// All of your
ideas are great. How can I say that with undeniable
certainty having never met you or heard any of your
potentially terrible ideas? Because. Theyre. Yours. Thats
how I know. Heck, kid, you made the decision to follow
your compelling curiosity and begin smoking meth, didnt
you? Even if it seems eerily similar to something that
didnt work out on television, like dropping an ATM on your
significant others head, its excellent because it came
from you, who is infallible and inherently incapable of
being wrong.

4. NOBODY IS AT THE DOOR. /// Dude, no way the cops
are here. Dont worry about it.

5. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DEMEAN AND USE
HURTFUL LANGUAGE TOWARD ANY HYPOTHETICAL
PERSON WHO MAY DISAGREE WITH YOU. /// I cannot
stress this point enough, to be perfectly honest. Any
person that your imagination concocts that may pose any
sort of theoretical counterargument to your own
convictions and doctrines (or lack thereof) deserves to be
put down and slandered in the very same way that you
know they are degrading you. Some people may present
the idea that, while feeling good about yourself is both
important and encouraged, going as far as to self-
righteously exalt behavior that is irrefutably dangerous to
varying degrees is not the proper way to make a point or
represent an entire category of people, as it is extreme
and destroys the possibility of genuine, candid
conversation. However, this manner of thinking is actually
not at all reasonable and is impeding the progress of your
plight. If this happens, say, in the form of some
hypocritical, passive-aggressive douche writing a satirical
Buzzfeed-style article in order to demonstrate how
ridiculous your alleged mentality actually is, he should be
mercilessly shamed and reported to whichever online
communities he belongs (or she, because its the 21st
century and you dont discriminate).

6. TALKING ABOUT NOTHING OTHER THAN METH IS
ESSENTIAL. /// As an avid meth (ab)user, you probably
have little time to develop interests other than smoking
meth and being really high all of the time, and
understandably so! Its a time-consuming way of living,
and youre brave for choosing to tackle it. Because the
meth head lifestyle harbors such a difficult nature, its far
more than encouraged for you to exclusively talk about
things pertaining to it and nothing else. If all of your social
media postings (especially those posted onto Tumblr)
pertain to your infatuation with yourself having a crystal
meth addiction and your equally strong frustrations with
other people not talking enough about you having a
crystal meth addiction, you are merely empowering
yourself in the most effective conceivable way, and should
be adulated as nothing short of heroic.

7. IT IS OKAY TO BE OFFENDED. /// The only way to coax
change out of hiding is to openly express your discontent
by the most public and abrasive means possible. You
dont need me to reassure you that doing meth is the most
open-minded and purely liberal thing a person can do
(ignoring me reassuring you that doing meth is the most
open-minded and purely liberal thing a person can do
throughout the entirety of this article). However, if you are
to convince others of your enlightenment and superiority,
peaceful protest will never do! Take to the forums and
phrase your thoughts in such a way that inspires others to
take to the streets, while never physically doing anything
proactive for your own cause! You have a ton of meth to
smoke and a ton of stray cats to be violent toward, after
all.

8. THE THERMOSTAT ACTUALLY IS BEING SUPER
ANNOYING. /// Its not just you. That thermostat has been
driving me crazy this whole time. You can totally take it.
Grab that wooden spoon and squash it like a spider, and
then take care of those spiders all over your legs before
they call your parole officer. I totally heard them talking
about it earlier.