THE BRAD AND JANET SHOW

(reprinted without permission by Ruth J. Fink-Winter <wbarsell@wwa.com>)

CAST:
Janet a!ors" #ttracti$e suburbanite in her twenties. Recently
established a promisin% career and is adaptin% accordin%ly.
&rad a!ors" #ttracti$e suburbanite in his twenties. Recently
unemployed and is not adaptin% accordin%ly. 'oubled with the role o(...
Farley Fla$ors (F.F.)" )ocal boy made billionaire.
*li$er Wri%ht (*lly)" +andsome man in his (i(ties with a distin%uished
pro(essional back%round and an in,uirin% mind.
&etty +apschatt" -oun% current a((airs host. &ri%ht. troubled.
%enerous. Recently di$orced (rom...
Ralph +apschatt" # personable opportunist.
/osmo and 0ation c1inley" a sinister couple o( unde(ined 2uropean
ori%in.
2$erett 3cott (3cotty)" Wheelchair-bound ana%er o( 4.5. station and
%eneral manipulator. #bout 67 (with a sli%ht 5iennese accent).
Ricky" 0urse in his twenties.
#nsalon%" 0urse in her twenties.
rs. Ruby Weiss" om -- 678s.
r. Weiss" 'ad -- 678s.
*((icer 5ance 9arker" /op -- :78s.
1irk ;dle" <rease onkey -- =78s.
0eely 9ritt" 4.5. Reporter.
acy 3truthers" ;n(ormation 'esk.
&renda 'rill" 4eena%er.
*scar 'rill" +er brother.
<lish 'a$ison" +er boy(riend.
r. /lark" &anker -- )ate >78s.
4.5. 3tudio 3ta((
# /heer 3,uad
0ewshounds
0ei%hbour
)ibrarian
&renda 'rill8s other
;n$esti%ati$e Reporter
plus
4he 9eople o( 'enton. ?.3.#.
Sc. 1 T.V. STUDIO
{T.V. Image -- Title -- Full Frame
"Community Service Broadcast"
Finger presses button on console. Red ingernail. Blac! console.
T.V. Image" #acy Strut$ers at inormation des! o "Farley Flavors
%eisure Center" ans&ering p$one in'uiry.(
MACY: -ou wish (or in(ormation about 'enton@ Why surely.
(3;0<3)
-ou8ll (ind happy hearts and smilin% (aces
#nd tolerance (or the ethnic races
in 'enton
{TV image appears &it$ )icer *ar!er in ront o manicured $ome
beautiul(
PARKER: -ou8ll (ind a ramblin% rose and a picket (ence
4enderness and innocence
in 'enton.
{TV image appears &it$ #r. Clar! in ront o $is ban!.(
CLARK: -ou8ll (ind con(erence rooms and a children8s play%round
'enton is a real *1 town
{*ull bac! rom TV image to ind us in t$e control room o a small TV
station. +anet #a,ors is s&itc$ing cameras and operating t$e panel. In
ront o $er a &all o monitors- beyond a studio set up or an intervie&
&it$ Betty .apsc$att in t$e c$air and +udge )liver /rig$t settling in as
$er guest-to-be.(
CLARK: /i$ic pride and ci$ic duty
#nd 'enton %irls are (ull o( beauty.
{C$eer s'uad in ootball ield(
GIRLS: -ou may call us the %oody %oody two shoes
&ut we8re here to cheer you with the %ood news
4hat '-2-0-4-*-0 %ets A7 out o( A7 -- a%ain and a%ain
{0uring t$e ollo&ing &e cut to various $omes and vie& diering social
stratas o 0enton &atc$ing t$e television 1as in a series o 2orman
Roc!&ell paintings3(
{T$e T.V. image o 0enton citi4enry marc$ing and singing.(
CITIZENS: 'enton. 'enton..you8$e %ot no pretention
-ou8re where the heart is..you8re okay
'enton. 'enton..;8d !ust like to mention
-ou8re the home o( youth
-ou8re #merica8s truth
-ou8re 'enton 'enton ?3#
{Sc$ool!ids sing outside c$urc$(
KIDS: 4his is the ecca o( #merica
4he &ethlehem o( the West
4his is the birthplace o( the $irtuous
4he home o( happiness
{Cut to assembled sta o "Farley Flavors %eisure Center(
STAFF: {all &earing F.F. uniorms( )eisure-wise we8re sure you will adapt
2n!oy your stay -- ha$e a happy holiday
#nd we8ll all put 'enton 'enton on the map.
{0uring inal c$orus &e cut around $omes again t$is time &it$ t$e
in$abitants singing along- toasting &it$ cans o beer- generally $aving
a good time(
ALL AND SUNDRY: 'entonB 'entonB -ou8$e %ot no pretention
-ou8re where the heart isB -ou8re okayB
'entonB 'entonB ;8d !ust like to mention
-ou8re the acceptable (ace o( the human race
-ou8re 'entonB 'entonB 'enton ?3#..
{Bac! to studio. Floor manager signals Betty. +anet presses button.(
BETTY: {$er name appears on screen( {ent$usiastically( Well how about
that@ Wasn8t that terri(ic@ #nd what about those shots o( the new
)eisure /enter@ ; (or one can8t wait (or the openin% tomorrow ni%ht --
&ut to return to our a(ternoon discussion with !ud%e *li$er Wri%ht --
'enton8s leadin% social scientist. {S$e addresses $im( Jud%e Wri%ht@
{/e see $is name appear at t$e bottom o t$e screen( 'o you (eel that
the (ilm we8$e !ust seen is o$erly manipulati$e or a %ood thin%@
OLIVER: 4here are many ways that the spider may catch the (ly...
{Cut to control boot$. +anet pressing p$one tabulator. /e see a ban!
o screens be$ind $er &it$ Betty and )lly on t$em.({)liver continues
&it$ "#onetary Inducements- Seduction- *re,udice".(
JANET: +ello. &rad@ )isten. darlin%. ;8m %oin% to be a little
late...well keep mine in the o$en...o( course ; lo$e you.
OLIVER: {Bac!ground screens( +oneyed words...
JANET: )ook. ;8$e %ot to %o now.
Sc. 2 BRAD AND JANET'S HOME
{Brad is sitting and &atc$ing TV. .e $as a drin! in $is $and- a
cigarette. Vacuum cleaner at $is side and $is eet up. )lly on $is
screen says "%ies". Brad puts t$e p$one do&n.(
Sc. TV STUDIO
{/e cut to +anet putting do&n t$e p$one. S$e loo!s at $er colleague in
t$e control boot$ -- 2eely *ritt. 2eely raises $er eyebro&s in
sympat$y.(
NEELY: 3tand by (or a commercial. Janet. ;t8s as close as we8ll come to
a success(ul man in this town.
JANET: Ri%ht. {S$e stabs at $er des!. T$e ban! o TVs c$ange to(
{5 commercial or Farley Flavors Fabulous Fast Food 6 F7s(
V!O: First and (oremost Farley Fla$ors Fabulous Fast Foods (eed and
(orti(y (amilies (or a (abulous (uture -- etc.
Sc. " BRAD AND JANET'S
{Cut to Brad s&itc$ing o t$e TV. /anders into !itc$en(
Sc. # TV S$%&'(
{Cut to Betty and )lly &al!ing o set(
BETTY: 4hanks you so much. Jud%e Wri%ht. (or a wonder(ul inter$iew.
OLLY: Jud%e Wri%ht@ ; )* retired and. besides &etty. you8$e known me
lon% enou%h to call me *li$er.
BETTY: *h. *li$er. you8re so tolerant.
{/e ollo& t$em t$roug$ some s&ing doors and into a corridor(
BETTY: 4ime (or a co((ee be(ore you rush o((@
OLLY: 'eli%hted. &etty --4hat is. i( you don8t mind bein% seen with an
older man.
BETTY: Why. *li$er. since Ralph and ; separated maturity is somethin% ;
look (or in a man--
{5 door reading "8verett Scott -- Station #anager" opens and 2eely comes
out &it$ some papers. /e see +anet inside &it$ Scotty 1in a
&$eelc$air3(
NEELY: {S$e smiles a c$eesy smile at Betty( +i &ettyB --4hat inter$iew
was so {searc$ing or a &ord( probin%.
{2eely passes on -- Betty grits $er teet$--(
OLIVER: # (ree thinker
BETTY: 2$erythin%8s (ree there. {T$ey move on.(
OLIVER: Wasn8t that Janet a!ors ; saw in 3cott8s o((ice then@ &rad
and Janet -- what an ideal couple --
{T$ey reac$ t$e ne9t oice to Scotty7s -- Betty opens t$e door(
OLIVER: --ore than anyone else in 'enton. they represent the old $alues
--
{T$ey pass inside. /e see t$e s$ado&s o +anet and Scotty t$roug$ an
opa'ue glass partition.(
OLIVER: 2isenhower would ha$e been proud o( them.
SCOTTY +V!O,: Face up to it. Janet. he8s an emotional cripple.
{)liver and Betty ree4e and listen in.(
JANET +V!O,: ; know. ; know. it8s !ust...
SCOTTY: ; recommend. Janet. that you send &rad to the ac1inley8s (or
treatment. /osmo and 0ation ac1inley -- neuro-specialists par
eCcellence..
{)liver and Betty can7t believe &$at t$ey7re $earing.(
JANET: 0euro-specialists -- that sounds pretty drastic.
SCOTTY: ;t8s no use pussy (ootin% around. Janet -- We ha$e to cut ,uick
and deep.
OLIVER: {5s i $e $as $eard t$e name beore( ac1inley...ac1inley...
BETTY: {&$ispers( {to )liver( 9erhaps you knew them back in 2urope@
OLIVER: {T$in!ing $ard( +mmmmmm.
SCOTTY +V!O,: 4here8s no use delayin% another moment. ;8ll phone the
ac1inleys immediately. ;8m a(raid there8s only one
solution...D-.$(./)0-B
{S$oc!ed loo!s rom )lly and Betty(
Sc. 1 B2)& ).& J).-$'3
{In t$e !itc$en. Brad:s in $is apron and upset.(
BRAD: ;8m not %oin%. Janet.
JANET: What are you tryin% to do@ ake 3cotty look like a (ool@ +e8s
made all the arran%ements.
BRAD: &ut ; don8t need treatment -- {.e drops a cup(
JANET: 4hat8s the second one this week. {S$e e9its.(
{Brad drops to $is !nees &it$ a dust pan and brus$ and starts cleaning
up t$e mess -- .e comes ace to ace &it$ t$e blender -- .e sings.(
SONG: 4B'$c5'. '. $5- K'$c5-.4
BRAD: 'ear blender@ *h won8t you help a (irst o((ender
*h toaster@ 'on8t you put the burn on me..
Re-(rid%e-erator why are we always sooner or later

&itchin8 in the kitchen or cryin% in the bedroom all ni%ht.

'ear kni(e drawer. won8t you help me to (ace li(e more..
*h trash can. don8t you put the dirt on me
*h perc-o-lator why are we always sooner or later..
&itchin8 in the kitchen or cryin% in the bedroom all ni%ht.
{;pstairs bedroom. +anet is t$ro&ing t$ings into a suitcase. S$e
sings.(
JANET: 2$erythin% used to be okay
&ut ;8$e been had
#nd &rad ;8m sad to say
{+anet $as crossed to t$e &indo&. +anet7s *)V o rat$er battered
ambulance arriving-(
JANET: ;s on his way.
icro-di%ital awaker {$olding radio<cloc!(
Why are we always sooner or later
&itchin8 in the kitchen or cryin% in the bedroom all ni%ht.
{Bat$room. +anet enters &it$ bag -- collecting t$e odd toilet
re'uisite.(
JANET: 3hower curtain
Won8t you help me to be certain
*h toothpaste
'on8t you put the s,ueeDe on me
{+anet brings bag do&nstairs in ans&er to doorbell(
JANET: 'epilatator
Why are we always sooner or later
&itchin8 in the kitchen or cryin% in the bedroom all ni%ht.
{)pens door.(
MALE NURSE +RICKY,: ;8$e come (or r. a!ors. a8am
{+anet indicates !itc$en and proceeds out door to t$ro& bag in $er car.
5 curious neig$bour passes. Brad is led to ambulance.(
NEIGHBOUR: 0othin% serious ; hope@
{2eig$bour loo!s as i s$e $opes t$at it7s terminal(
JANET: 0o. Just a routine check-up.
{2eig$bour loo!s put out. +anet climbs in car. Tears lo&. 8ngine
starts.(
JANET: *h carburetor
Why are we always sooner or later
&itchin8 in the kitchen or cryin% in the bedroom all ni%ht.
{C$orus repeats as t$ey drive o do&n street. 5s t$ey turn t$e corner
and drive out o rame a billboard is revealed reading "0enton" .ome o
.appiness".(
Sc. 1A TV S$%&'(
{Scotty is operating tele9. It reads "F.F -- ..=. -- 0.C. sub,ect
committed. 5s am I."(
Sc. 6 D-.$(./)0-
{8stablis$ing s$ot o 0entonvale. 5 sinister- imposing but rat$er
decrepit mansion run by a 8uropean couple- t$e #ac>inleys- as a
sanitorium. 5 7For Sale7 notice eatures on t$e e9terior.
Inside 2ation #ac>inley- a glamourous proessional &oman in $er
t$irties- slings a e& strait ,ac!ets into a cupboard. .er brot$er-
Cosmo- a strange nervy man- is pus$ing bills and 7Final 0emand7 notices
into a dra&er.(
MAC: FlowersB We must ha$e (lowersB
NATION: 4he %arden8s a mess...
{S$e rus$es out and &e ollo& $er. 2ation $urries out and drags some
tired lo&ers out by t$e roots. T$e ambulance and +anet arrive. 2ation
notices t$e 7For Sale7 sign be$ind $er and rips it o to reveal a sign
saying 70entonvale -- Sanity or Today7. +anet Brad et al. bundle in
and 2ation- $olding t$e 7For Sale7 sign be$ind $er bac!- &aves and
smiles proessionally.
#ac7s oice is totally transormed and loo!s c$ic and proessional
complete &it$ t&o des!s and nameplates. Brad and +anet enter.(
MAC: #h. r. and rs. a!ors. +ow wonder(ul to see you. ;
understand you8re %oin% throu%h a rather tryin% time...
BRAD: )istenB 4here8s nothin% wron% with me..it8s !ust that Janet and
; ha$en8t...
{2ation appears be$ind $im and $ypos $im -- as $e drops- s$e !ic!s a
c$air under $im.(
MAC: {to +anet( 'oes he do this o(ten@
JANET: {stunned- s$e doesn7t !no& 2ation $it $im &it$ t$e $ypo( 0oB
+e8s ne$er done that be(ore.
MAC: <oodB Well there8s still hope. )ots o( hope.
NATION: {sotly( ;( anyone can help &rad. We can. {S$e presses
bu44er(
JANET: Well. he needs help.
MAC: #nd he8ll %et it.
{2urse 5nsalong enters &it$ a &$eelc$air.(
MAC: #h. 0urse #nsalon% -- you8re here.
ANSALONG: Well it was pretty short notice but ;...
NATION: 322 r. a!ors to his room 0urse.
MAC: 4here are !ust one or two (ormalities that ha$e to be dealt
with. rs. a!ors. 4he committal papers need to be si%ned...
{But 5nsalong $as started to &$eel Brad out -- +anet &ants to ollo&.
2ation grabs t$e papers and glances at t$em.(
JANET: /ould ; do that later@
NATION: *( course.
{+anet e9its ater Brad -- #ac grabs t$e papers bac! and c$ases ater
t$em. #ac ,ust catc$es up &it$ t$em and bloc!s t$e doors &it$ $is $and.
T$e papers are in it and not &is$ing to appear too eager $e pretends $e
is indicating t$e door.(
MAC: 4his is the room. {.e t$ro&s open t$e door. /e trac! in. It7s
pretty blea!.(
MAC +V!O,: 'r. 0ation ac1inley and ; chose the so(t (urnishin%s.
{0uring t$is- 5nsalong $as strapped Brad to t$e bed. S$e leans in to
+anet.(
ANSALONG: {sotto voce( 3i%n the papers tomorrow...
JANET: {loo!s at $er 'uestioningly( #h...
ANSALONG: {as #ac appears( 3shh
MAC: {&it$ papers( Just one or two details. 'oes he ha$e any li$in%
relati$es@ &lood relati$es@
JANET: 0o...couldn8t ; do this later@
MAC: )ater@
JANET: 5isitin% hours@
NATION: *( course.
{S$e drags #ac out o t$e room. 5nsalong crosses to t$e door.(
JANET: {to 5nsalong( Why did you tell me not to si%n now@
ANSALONG: Well this way. you %et the (irst day FREE.
{S$e e9its.(
{#ac7s oice. Scotty on p$one to +anet7s mot$er.(
SCOTTY: # ner$ous breakdown...an emotional $ictim o( our troubled
times...; !ust wanted you to know that your dau%hter is copin%. #bout
&rad@ 4ell me. is there a history o( mental...instability...in his
(amily@ *h...adopted...; see.
{#ac and 2ation enter.(
-es. ;8ll keep in touch. #nd don8t worry 35-'00 be with you
soon -- and 5-'3 in %ood hands.
{*uts p$one do&n.(
;n(antile re%ression.
NATION: {to #ac( *ur speciality.
{Bac! in Brad7s room +anet is alone &it$ $er sedated $usband. S$e is
&orried. S$e sings.(
SONG: 4I. M7 O8. W)74
JANET: ;( only you knew
+ow to win some priDes
;( only you knew how to play
;( you could sleep ni%hts
#nd stop your cryin%
-ou mi%ht (ind out ; still lo$e you
;n my own way {+anet moves to door(
;( that8s not enou%h then ;8m
3o sorry ; met you
;t was almost like leadin% you on
&ut there8s more to it all
4han !ust wrin%in% your heart out
*$er somethin% that keeps on %oin% wron%
{0uring c$orus +anet sails do&n corridor out o ront door and into $er
car. Scotty- #ac and 2ation peer out be$ind blinds and curtains.
5nsalong iles $er nails on t$e porc$.(
JANET: 3o don8t tell me you lo$e me
+ow am ; supposed to know what that means
0o don8t sell emotion
-ou can8t buy de$otion
&y throwin% despair on your dreams.
Sc. 9 S$2--$3 (: D-.$(.
{+anet is driving t$roug$ 0enton along ro&s o similar suburban $ouses.(
JANET: ; hope that you8ll smile
When you reach your conclusion
; hope that you8ll know !ust what to say
&ut i( it should mean that the party is o$er
-ou should know that ; still lo$e you
{+anet $as arrived at $er parents7 place. S$e pulls into drive and gets
out.(
JANET: -ou should know that ; still lo$e you
-ou should know that ; still lo$e you
;n my own way.
{T$e door opens and &e see #om. #usic concludes under t$e ollo&ing.(
MOM: *h my poor baby.
JANET: *h ommy. &rad8s...
{T$ey $ug(
MOM: ; know &aby. 3cotty ran%. +e8s %oin% to %et the help he needs.
{Cut to"(
Sc. ; D-.$(./)0-
{Scotty and 2ation are &atc$ing a soap opera on TV. #ac is in a state
o agitation.(
MAC: ;t was so $ery %ood o( you to (ind a patient (or us. 'octor
3cott. {.e pours a little drin!(
SCOTTY: Well ; con(ess the decision to ha$e &rad committed was not
strictly my own.
{2ation loo!s secretive(
MAC: *( course. rs. a!ors -- Janet-- &ut ;8m puDDled. ;( she was
so keen on %ettin% him in here. why wouldn8t she si%n the papers.
SCOTTY: 0o it wasn8t Janet --eCactly--;t was. in (act. your new
landlord.
MAC: LANDLORDB B B
SCOTTY: 'enton$ale has been sold.
MAC: SOLD @ @ B B
NATION: 'ear old 3cotty8s settled e$erythin%.
SCOTTY: Jah -- -ou endorse his product -- +e endorses your research.
MAC: HE B B @ @ +ow dare this person take ad$anta%e o( my
weakness.
NATION: {&it$ a secret smile( ; don8t think he means to %o that (ar.
Sc.1< J).-$'3 P)2-.$3' P0)c-
{T$e screen is illed by a TV image o a boiling ,ug being s&itc$ed o.
/e pull bac! rom t$e TV set to reveal +anet7s mom ec$oing t$e action
&it$ an identical electric ,ug. T$roug$out t$is scene a soap opera &ill
play on t$e TV &$ic$ ec$oes &$at is $appening in t$e room. #om is
ma!ing coee. +anet is $olding a rat$er inappropriate dress and some
git &rapping.(
MOM: {to 0ad( Well ; wanted Janet to ha$e it.
JANET: ;t8s $ery nice.
MOM: ;t8s imported -- 4aiwaneseB
DAD: 'amn it Ruby she8s not interested.
{TV V<) "?ou7re not interested"(
MOM: What are you tryin% to do@ 3tart an ar%ument@ 'on8t you want
your dau%hter to look pretty@
DAD: Who8s she %ot to look pretty (or@
{+anet loo!s stric!en(
MOM: {deending( 3he8s %ot a husband.
DAD: {attac!ing( 3he8s %ot a weirdoB I'/- ne$er been able to a((ord
the time (or a 8ner$ous breakdown8.
{TV V<) "T$ey say it7s a nervous brea!do&n"(
MOM: 4hank <od he was born an orphan. ;t would ha$e killed his
parents. #nd thank %oodness he hasn8t ended up like the 3lepstrini boy.
{TV V<) "T$an! goodness"(
DAD: What are you talkin% about. 'anny 3lepstrini is a chip o(( the
old block. ; played AE holes o( %ol( with his (ather !ust last week.
#nd +ank says 'anny8 mo$ed to 0ew -ork. {*ause( 4o better himsel(.
MOM: +e mo$ed alri%htB When they (ound him at the back o( Wilson8s
bakery@ 0aked@ With (i(teen other men@
{0ad7s mout$ starts opening and closing.(
JANET: {'uietly( eCicans.
{0ad ma!es or t$e door.(
DAD: ;8m %oin% to catch up on a (ew !obs that need doin% outside.
{.e leaves. Blus$ing scarlet.(
MOM: {to +anet( -ou shouldn8t ha$e said that.
JANET: Why@
MOM: -our (ather doesn8t like eCicans.
{TV V<) ")le7@" 5s music starts- 0ad enters rom garage pus$ing a
mo&er. .e mo&s around until t$e c$orus &$en &e see a vista o identical
bac!yards &it$ t$e occupants mo&ing.(
SONG: 4T5).= G(& I'* ) M).4
DAD: # man should call the toss...wear the pants and be the boss
# man should be the drake (or his own damn sake.
#nd men should be the misters and masters o( their sisters
#nd a man should be the reason (or a heart to break
# man should cut the lawn. /han%e a tyre. end the worn
# man should ne$er wait to oil a rustin% %ate
en should hold the key positions in our country8s %reat traditions
# man should put the (ood upon the (amily plate.
NEIGHBOURS: {all mo&ing in time(
3o be moral. 'on8t ,uarrel. Fair and s,uare is best
)et me alert you...that $irtue won8t hurt you or desert you
;( you wear hair on your chest.
3o always remember to (ollow the rules...&oC cle$er
...#nd !ocks ne$er
DAD: +ock another !ock8s tools

# man should waC a car. FiC a (use and tend a bar
# man should like his brow to be wet with sweat...
en should know the ri%ht occasions to indul%e in taC e$asions
# man should know the settin%s that his spark plu%s %et.
F)>>($3 )2- *)>>($3...T5).= >(& I'* ) *).
{Cut to"(
Sc.11 B-$$7'3 ?0)c-
{Betty is in $er 7singles7 apartment. S$e is on t$e p$one to )liver.(
BETTY: *li$er ; would be %lad to share a problem with you...3ure come
on o$er... {*ause( RALPH@ @ 0ot here he doesn8t. {S$e loo!s at a
p$oto o t$eir &edding( We8re both bein% $ery adult about it. #(ter
all. it 8)3 a marria%e o( incon$enience. +e has his li(e. borin% as
it is and {seductively( ; ha$e mine...2i%ht o8clock8s (ine.
{Cut to"(
Sc. 12 D-.$(. '.$-23-c$'(.. E/-.'.>
{+anet is driving too ast. /e $ear a siren. It7s t$e 0enton traic
cop -- )icer Vance *ar!er. .e pulls $er over- stops $is car and
&al!s bac! to +anet.(
VANCE: *kay lady. what you %ot. lead in your shoe@ *h it8s you Janet.
{.e becomes &$at $e believes to be c$arming.(
What are you tryin% to do. kill yoursel(@
JANET: ;8m sorry. *((icer 9arker.
VANCE: {loo!s bot$ &ays( 5anceB
JANET: *h@ ;t8s !ust that &rad...is not...$ery well and...{tears( ;
didn8t want to miss $isitin% hour at 'enton$ale.
VANCE: 'enton$ale...say. that8s (or...{$e goes to tap $is $ead and
turns it into a scratc$( ;8m sorry to hear that Janet. {.e is secretly
pleased but can7t s$o& it( )ook ;8m %oin% to let you %o. &ut dri$e
care(ully. otherwise. well. ;8ll ha$e to book you...
JANET: 4hanks *((icer 9ar...5ance.
VANCE: 'on8t worry Janet. &rad8s probably (eelin% better already.
{Cut to"(
Sc. 1 B-$$7'3 ?0)c-. N'>5$.
{)liver arrives. Betty meets $im at t$e door brandis$ing a istul o
dollars.(
BETTY: {screaming at Ralp$( #limony is !ust another word (or rapeB
{opens door( *h *li$erB /ome in. )ook who8s hereB
{/e see Ralp$ -- Betty7s estranged $usband.(
OLIVER: *h--%ood e$enin%. Ralph. ;8m not callin% at an incon$enient
moment am ;@
RALPH: 0o--not at all Jud%e Wri%ht. ;8$e %ot to %et back to the
)eisure /enter. We8$e %ot the bi% day tomorrow. *ur bene(actor. r.
Fla$ors. is !ettin% in (or the openin% and well...Farley eCpectsB
OLIVER: #h yes. Farley Fla$ors. ;t8s remarkable that the indi%estion
o( an entire nation could build such a handsome edi(ice.
RALPH: {put out( Well. ;8ll lea$e you 7(%.> thin%s to it.
BETTY: {opening door( {&$ispers( 3ho$e it. RalphB
RALPH: {at door( {&$ispers bac!( -ou too. &ettyB
{0oor slams. Betty turns it on or )lly. S$e crosses to t$e record
s$el.(
BETTY: /are (or a ,uick cantata@
Sc. 1" D-.$(./)0-. N'>5$
{Brad7s room.
Ric!y opens door and 5nsalong brings in t$e dinner tray. S$e unstraps
t$e restrained Brad and serves $im $is meal. S$e lits t$e cover o
t$e dis$ revealing somet$ing un&$olesome. 5nsalong ma!es to go. S$e
pauses at t$e door.(
ANSALONG: -ou8re really lucky. -ou had today (or (ree.
{S$e leaves.(
{+anet7s car pulls into t$e 0entonvale drive. 5 lig$t glo&s rom t$e
dining room and balcony above giving a sinister eeling to t$e building.
;pstairs #ac- 2ation and Scotty are inis$ing dinner. 5nsalong clears
t$e table.(
SCOTTY: #n eCcellent repast. ; must ha$e the recipe...
NATION: 4hat8s praise indeed (rom 7(%. 3cotty. &ut. no secrets...
MAC: {resisting bon$omie( With Fast Food Farley at the helm it8ll be 45
dinners (rom now on.
SCOTTY: Farley is already onto a 45 winner--he authorised me to purchase
the controllin% interest in our local 45 station --in my name--!ust as
'enton$ale will remain in yours--now that his interest has embraced
mental hy%iene.
NATION: {as i to ent$use #ac( *ur (ield.
MAC: {unent$used( What does he know about it@
SCOTTY: Who do you think %a$e you &rad@
{.e t$ro&s do&n a ile mar!ed "0enton 0ossier" "8yes )nly". #ac and
2ation loo! a little astonis$ed.(
SCOTTY: {continues( 3o that Janet would be (ree to spearhead his mental
hy%iene campai%n.
{#ac $olds t$e ile and &e see page one $eaded "Brad #a,ors" -- *age A.
"+anet #a,ors" -- page B a ne&spaper cutting reads "T&ins Tragedy".(
MAC: We8re the eCperts.
{Scotty grabs t$e ile possessively.(
SCOTTY: Who trusts eCperts@
NATION: +ow did you come by this dossier@
SCOTTY: # Washin%ton /ontact.
MAC: What8s your an%le@
SCOTTY: ; was Janet8s employer--and amenable to Farley8s plans.
NATION: Why Janet@
SCOTTY: 2$eryone lo$es the %irl neCt door. particularly Farley.
NATION: 3o it seems.
{0oorbell.
+anet impatient at t$e ront door. Ric!y opens it suspiciously.(
RICKY: 5isitin% hours are o$er.
{S$uts door.
+anet rings again. 5 messenger &it$ a parcel arrives.(
MESSENGER: +a$in% trouble lady@
{0oor re-opens(
RICKY: ; told you $isitin% hours are...
{T$e messenger grabs Ric!y and slams $im against t$e door(
MESSENGER: 3i%n hereB
{+anet ta!es advantage o t$e situation and pus$es past.
Bac! in t$e dining room. T$e trio &ait. T$e door lies open.(
MAC A NATION: Janet B B
JANET: ;8$e come to see &rad.
NATION: 4hat8s out o( the ,uestion. he8s sleepin% like a baby.
{/e $ear a distant scream. #ac and 2ation commence a 'uic!
interrogation to unnerve +anet.(
MAC: ;t8s you we8re concerned about. Janet.
NATION: -es how are 7(%. Janet@ #re you happy@
JANET: ;8m -- happy.
MAC: 4here are countless people in this world who belie$e they8re
happy.
NATION: &ut they only $5'.= they8re happy.
JANET: 4hat doesn8t make sense.
MAC: 9recisely.
{T$e door opens. 5nsalong appears &it$ t$e pac!age and t$ro&s it at
#ac.(
ANSALONG: Fresh o(( the doorstep.
MAC: First o( the 45 dinners. no doubt.
{.e tears o t$e &rapper. T$e parcel reveals a videotape.(
SCOTTY: #hB the .*. (rom F.F. 4his mi%ht interest you Janet.
{#ac crosses to t$e cassette dec!(
NATION: )ucky we kept the system back (rom the %ara%e sale.
{#ac presses play button(
SCOTTY: We ha$e li(t o((.
{Video lic!ers to lie &it$ a glamorous 7movie star7 image o Farley
Flavors. Suave in tu9edo and matc$ing eyepatc$- a carnation glistens in
$is lapel. .e loo!s uncannily li!e a sop$isticated ast-tal!ing version
o Brad.(
FARLEY: {V<)( # bi% 'enton welcome to my new dele%ation.
4his is Farley--;8m here with the score.
We8re %onna packa%e and sell some mental health to the nation
With my dream o( the %irl neCt door.
{+anet loo!s ascinated.(
{7#ovie star image animates into song. Camera reveals debonair Farley
at &$ite grand piano.(
Sc. 1# F)20-7'3 S(.>
FARLEY: {sings(
*h why aren8t they doin% tomorrow8s new dance step
4he way they used to yesterday@
#nd who draws a per(ect circle anymore@
;( you8re waitin% (or %reatness to shake hands with you
-ou8d better daydream your li(e away
;8$e only wanted one thin% and that8s (or sure.
{Farley appears singing and dancing up a storm do&n t$e aisles o $is
ast ood actory- et$nic employees dance amongst burgers $ot dogs etc.(
-ou8re not !ust lookin% at a (ast (ood kind
Just another well known (ace
-ou8re not lookin% at the kin% o( anythin%
;8m %onna shoot (or the moon
#nd play hi%h noon
;8m %onna take on the entire human race
-ou8re not lookin% at a kin%
-ou8re lookin% at an ace.
{Farley ne9t appears in a romantic orest glade setting. Sunlig$t
glancing trees- &ater rippling. Farley could be penning some verse and
meditating.(
*ooh ; %ot si%ht an8 ;8$e seen the li%ht
#n8 ;8m %onna see the comin8 day
When the sun in the sky is a spotli%ht !ust (or me
;8m %onna take my time an8 rock some rhyme
4hat8s %onna take your breath away
;8ll be the (ront pa%e ra%e o( the a%e !ust wait an8 see
{0uring t$is &e see +anet7s ent$usiastic reactions. 2e9t is a montage
o "Successul Farley" las$ed at social gat$erings- giving speec$es-
meeting presidents- etc. #ontage accelerates &it$ c$orus.(
-ou8re not !ust lookin% at a (ast (ood kind
Just another well known (ace
2tc. to...
-ou8re lookin% at an ace.
{%ast line repeats as Farley seems to step out o screen and ta!e +anet
in $is arms ending in a clinc$ t$at vanis$es &it$ t$e last c$ord.(
NATION: {to +anet( ; !ust lo$e home mo$ies. don8t you@
{+anet is transi9ed by t$e image o Farley
Final V<) over Farley7s ro4en image.(
FARLEY: {V<)( 4ime8s ti%ht. Janet
'o it ri%ht. Janet
?ntil tomorrow ni%ht. Janet.
Sc. 11 D-.$(./)0-. N'>5$.
{Video ends &it$ a clic!. T$e trio cro&d around +anet.(
JANET: &ut...
MAC: We8re %oin% to put psychiatry within the reach o( e$ery (amily
in this %reat nation o( ours.
JANET: ; won8t be a party to this. ; want to see &rad.
NATION: 4he ,uestion is. does &rad want to see you@ Fuite (rankly. he
hates you.
JANET: {$orriied( What do you mean@
MAC: {soter approac$( &rad has deep (eelin%s o( hostility towards you.
JANET: e@
MAC: ;t8s classical. #lmost a teCtbook case...
{+anet cries(
MAC: 4hat8s an eCtremely ne%ati$e response.
SCOTTY: Jah. Janet. )ea$e the cryin% to &rad.
JANET: {t$roug$ tears( ;s it because ;8m too success(ul@
MAC: *n the contrary. +e 8).$3 to see you play the (ame %ame. +e
.--&3 a woman o( eCceptional desirability.
NATION: 3o you see. Janet. you can help us to help him.
{Cut to Brad screaming.(
Sc. 16 R()& (%$3'&- D-.$(./)0-
{/e see t$e lig$ts in 0entonvale. 5 car &$ispers past containing )liver
and Betty.(
BETTY: ; do hope e$erythin% works out (or &rad and Janet. ;n the
hands o( those...
OLIVER: {t$oug$tully( ac1inleys B @
Sc. 19 D-.$(./)0-. D'.'.> 2((*
{T$ey $ave t$eir campaign sc$edules &it$ "F.F" logos(
SCOTTY: 3o that brin%s us ri%ht up to the <rand *penin% at the )eisure
/enter tomorrow ni%ht--4he day be%innin% with your on-camera &reak(ast
3how 3pecial. Janet. Ri%ht. &eauty 3leep--we8$e %ot an early start.
JANET: /an ; !ust 8peep in8 on &rad be(ore ; %o home@
SCOTTY: <o home@
NATION: 4his is the ner$e center o( operations. Janet. -ou must stay
here toni%ht. {Rings bu44er( 4hat way we can all be here when r. 3un
paints us a new day with his %olden brush.
MAC: #nd you can 8peep in8 on &rad in the mornin%.
{5nsalong appears(
NATION: +a$e you made beds up (or Janet and 'octor 3cott@
ANSALONG: -ep. 3cott Room >. a!ors Room AA.
MAC: #nd ha$e Ricky lock up (or the ni%ht.
Sc. 1;
{/e see a blea! vista o 0enton by nig$t. 5 e& desolate street lig$ts
lic!er sadly. /e see a sign reading "%over7s %eap--ten eet above sea
level".
/e pull in to a par!ed Vol!s&agen and discover Betty and )lly(
OLIVER: /le$er o( you to (ind this spot. &etty.
BETTY: ;t pays to know your way around. *li$er. )ook. there8s the
)eisure /enter.
{/e see a dar! domed s$ape &it$ a neon reading "Farley Flavors %eisure
Center"(
OLLY: {'uoting 7>ublai >$an7( # Gstately pleasure domeG indeed.
BETTY: *h ; adore /olerid%e 4aylor.
{Betty starts to 'uote "T$e R$yme o t$e 5ncient #ariner"(
G;t is an ancient mariner
#nd he stoppeth one o( three
&y thy lon% %rey beard and %litterin% eye
0ow where(ore stopp8st thou meG
{)lly loo!s a little uneasy(
Sc. 2< D-.$(./)0-
{89terior o 0entonvale &it$ lig$ts on. T$e camera peers into eac$
bedroom &indo& in turn.(
SONG: 4L%00)B74
{#ac and 2ation7s room.(
NATION: ; (eel the heat (rom your skin
#nd the stubble on your chin
-ou8re no %ood
BOTH: -ou8re no %ood
NATION: -ou8$e %ot dirt on your hands
#nd e$erybody understands
-ou8re no %ood
BOTH: -ou8re no %ood
MAC: What a !oke...
NATION: What a !oke...
{+anet7s room(
JANET: -ou (eel like chokin%.
{Brad7s room.
/e see $im c$o!ing(
{5nsalong7s room
S$e7s &it$ Ric!y(
ANSALONG: -ou play (or broke...
RICKY: -ou play (or broke...
ANSALONG: +e lea$es you smokin%
{S$e is. Ric!y is reading a comic(
{+anet7s room.
S$e is in tears(
JANET: *h romance is not a children8s %ame
{#ac and 2ation7s room.(
NATION: -ou keep %oin% back
{2ation steals a !iss rom #ac(
{+anet7s room.(
JANET: ;t8s dri$in% you insane
{Brad7s room.
.e is beating $is $ead against t$e &all(
{#ac and 2ation7s room.(
NATION: 'ri(t into the treacle deep
3lip into its silent depths -- %o to sleep
With your e$erythin% akimbo
Float into the sandman8s limbo
ALL: 0i%ht ni%ht
NATION: ;t8s time (or bye byes
{Scotty7s room(
SCOTTY: ;t8s been a %reat day thanks a heap
0ow it8s time (or e$eryone to %o to sleep
{Camera pulls a&ay rom e9terior o 0entonvale as c$orale builds and t$e
lig$ts s&itc$ o room by room(
ALL: 3o ni%ht ni%ht {B5SS" 2ig$t 2ig$t(
;t8s time (or bye byes
;t8s been a %reat day
4hanks a heap
0ow it8s time
For e$eryone
4o %o to sleep
{Brad cries 'uietly in $is dar!ened cell.(
Sc. 21 L(/-2'3 L-)?. M(2.'.>.
{T$e V/ is still t$ere. )liver $as drited asleep. Betty ends $er
all-nig$t recital.(
BETTY: {V<)(
G...he went like one that hath been stunned
and is o( sense (orlorn.
# sadder and a wiser man
he rose the morrow morn.G
{Vance *ar!er pulls up in $is pro&l car. .e gets out- crosses to t$e
car- removes a dead pigeon rom t$e $ood and !noc!s on t$e &indo&.(
VANCE: 'oes this belon% to you@
{Betty screams. )liver &a!es. Car starts. Roars o. *ar!er is let
$olding t$e bird.(
Sc. 22 M(.$)>-
{0enton &a!ing up or t$e big day. 2e&spaper van t$ro&s papers along
suburban ro&. #r. Clar! 1t$e ban!er3 reading $eadlines 7Flavors due in
or %eisure Center unveiling7 etc. Florists s$ops &or!ing overtime.
Streets being sprayed clean.(
Sc. 2 D-.$(./)0-
{Scotty is &$eeling $imsel to&ards +anet7s room. .e &ears a regulation
dressing go&n. .e ,ust gets level &it$ $er door &$en $e stop and loo!s
around and urtively leans in to&ards t$e !ey$ole. T$e door opens and
$its $im on t$e $ead. +anet steps out &it$ to&els etc. S$e7s $eading
or t$e s$o&ers.(
JANET: When do ; %et to see &rad@
SCOTTY: #(ter break(ast. -ou8re lookin% a little tense. Janet.
{S$e &al!s on to t$e s$o&er room and goes in.(
SCOTTY: {to door( aybe ; could %i$e you a little massa%e. y hands are
(amous.
{/e $ear t$e &ater come on(
SCOTTY: {s$outs( ;n my time they used to call me the erlin o( &erlin.
{0oor slams(
{T$e !itc$en at 0entonvale. 2ation preparing brea!ast. S$e closes
door on eye-leve grill and steps into anot$er room. Scotty
enters--snis t$e air--&$eels across to t$e oven- snis again--loo!s
urtively around--presumes $e is alone and stands up to loo! t$roug$
oven &indo&--suddenly &e are a&are t$at 2ation is be$ind $im.(
NATION: 0ice to see you up and about 3cotty.
{Scotty splutters--$is &$eelc$air raud e9posed.(
NATION: {continues( ;s Janet awake@
{Scotty alls bac! into t$e c$air deeply embarrassed at being caug$t out
o $is &$eelc$air.(
NATION: {continues( We8ll lea$e her to ac. ;8m %oin% to take ad$anta%e
o( your %astronomic wiDardry. {.ands $im t$e pan(
SCOTTY: Well. ha. ha. in my time they used to call me the erlin o(
&erlin.
NATION: {s&eetly( 4hey probably meant ;r$in% and wanted you to swin%.
{+anet enters $er room and inds #ac lying suavely on $er bed stro!ing a
rubber s$eet(
JANET: ; want to see &radB B B
MAC: ; understand your concern. but ; (eel it8s time you started
thinkin% o( yoursel(.
{.e leaps up and pus$es $er to&ards a mirror(
MAC: )ook at yoursel(. -ou8re beauti(ul. ore beauti(ul than any
(ilm star. and ; should know. ;n the old days we had them at the clinic
all the time...
JANET: ;s it true they8re all mid%ets with bi% heads@
MAC: #bsolutely. /ompared to them. you are per(ection. (lawless
beauty. {S$e blooms( -ou are the most desirable creature that e$er
walked.
JANET: ;( only &rad could ha$e (ound it within his heart to say those
thin%s to me.
MAC: +e will. &ut it8s up to you to reawaken his (eelin%s. -ou8$e
%ot to B- (abulous. S)7 (abulous thin%s. W-)2 (abulous clothes.
D( (abulous deeds. #nd Farley8s %i$e you that chance--startin% ri%ht
now--you can use the &reak(ast 3how to knock 'enton dead.
JANET: 'o you really think so@
MAC: -ou8$e %ot a really ti%ht team around you. #nd e$erybody
.--&3 youB
JANET: &ut what8ll ; &(@ What8ll ; 3)7@ What8ll ; 8-)2@
SONG: 4L'$$0- B0)c= D2-334
MAC: 2$er since ; was a little boy
'ressin% up has always been my %reatest !oy
;n a uni(orm shawl or smock
#n o$erall tuC or (rock
2ach o( them has brou%ht me happiness
&ut when it8s time to be discreet
4here8s one thin% you !ust can8t beat
4hat8s a strapless backless classical little black dress
{#ac tears a blac! vinyl divan to pieces and ma!es t$e dresses or t$em
bot$.(
MAC: First you %o rip rip rip
4hen you %o snip snip snip
4hen you whip in a Dip Dip Dip
#n8 split it up to the hip hip hip
#n8 as you strip strip strip
-ou ,ui$er and shi$er (or that so(t caress
#s you slip slip slip...into that little black dress
{T$e !itc$en. Scotty $as ,ust put a bottle o c$ampagne in an ice
buc!et. 2ation gets t$e glasses. Scotty crosses to a cupboard and
ta!es out a tin mar!ed" 7Caviar--product o t$e ;.S.S.R.7 .e gives a
!no&ing loo! to 2ation and brea!s into song.(
SCOTTY: 2$er since ; was the einer kleiner +erren
{typist7s note" )7Brien7s Cerman is terrible(
;t was domestic science (or which ; am most care-en...
y roast lamb or puree soup
*r my toast 8n8 ham a la %uadeloupe
4hey were cordon bleu prepared with %reat success
&ut the one taste treat so sweet
4hat really can8t be beat...
;s what we ha$e !a@ how you are@.../a$iarB
4hat little black mess
{+anet and #ac appear...+anet irst in "t$e loo!"...t$e little blac!
dresses...guitar and sa9 blo& bitterly...&e cut to t$e c$ampagne cor!
being pulled by 2ation...s$e ills a glass and as +anet comes t$roug$
t$e door s$e $ands it to $er...Scotty7s mout$ alls open &it$ reverent
astonis$ment...+anet crosses to t$e table- sits up and crosses t$ose
legs...boy does s$e cross t$ose legs...(
SCOTTY: &ut...how@
JANET: Well (irst you %o rip rip rip
4hen you %o snip snip snip
4hen you whip in a Dip Dip Dip
#n8 split it up to the hip hip hip
#n8 as you strip strip strip
NATION: -ou ,ui$er and shi$er (or that so(t caress
#s you slip slip slip...into that little black dress
JANET: 4hat minimal
MAC: /riminal
NATION: 3in-i-(ul
SCOTTY: )ittle black dress...
NATION: 3in-i-(ul
SCOTTY: )ittle black dress...
{2ation7s made $ersel a version o "t$e loo!" out o t$e curtains.(
{T$ey all drin! c$ampagne and ma!e t$eir &ay to +anet7s car &it$ t$eir
glasses spilling and muc$ e9citement. /e see t$at 2ation is also
&earing "t$e loo!". T$ey dance across t$e drive.(
ALL: )et8s (ace it ac that basic black is comin% back
)et8s (ace it ac that basic black is comin% back
)et8s (ace it ac that basic black is comin% back
JANET: 4hat minimal
MAC: /riminal
NATION: 3in-i-(ul
ALL: )ittle black dress
{T$e song ends...#ac slides be$ind t$e &$eel...1t$e car s$ould $ave a
benc$ seat3. +anet slides in t$e middle and 2ation ollo&s $er and
closes t$e door. Scotty is let in t$e drive sitting in $is &$eelc$air.(
SCOTTY: +ey B B B ; wanted to sit in the (ront.
MAC: 4ou%h.
NATION: {&it$out moving( ay ; help you to %et in the back. doctor.
SCOTTY: Well...ahhh...; think ; should sit in
the...(ront...ahhh...;...didn8t %et any sleep last ni%ht...and well
;...ahh
{#ac opens trun! and t$ro&s to& rope to Scotty slamming trun! on rope
end.(
MAC: +old thatB
{#ac returns to driver7s seat. 2ation smiles cruelly.(
NATION: )et8s burn rubber.
{T$ey do--Scotty $urtles along be$ind.(
Sc. 2" DENTON T.V. STATION
{/e see a tele9 mac$ine spe&ing out instructions rom Farley Flavors to
t$e station sta about +anet. 2eely *ritt tears it o. It !eeps
coming. S$e tears o more. Still it !eeps coming. S$e moves to t$e
door. T$e mac$ine c$atters be$ind $er. Sta stand around. /e see
t$ey are $olding sc$edule s$eets &it$ t$e "F.F." logo.(
NEELY: Ri%ht stand by e$eryone. 3he8ll be here any minute now.
{S$e crosses t$roug$ t$e sta(
STUDIO EMPLOYEE: +ow did she swin% this@
NEELY: +ow do rabbits %et (ur coats@
{S$e passes on to&ard t$e ront door. T$ere7s a small !not o people
gat$ered on t$e steps outside. 5 ne&s camera etc.(
CROWD: +ere she is. 3he8s here etc.
{T$e car pulls up. T$ey all pile out. Scotty cras$es into t$e bac! o
it.(
CROWD: +ooray. /on%ratulations. Janet etc.
NEELY: +i. Janet. 2$erythin%8s laid on. We8$e %ot 3tudio *ne standin%
by. ; couldn8t %et hold o( &etty +apschatt so ;8ll ha$e to do the links
mysel(.
JANET: {ignoring $er( ; don8t need linkin%.
{+anet s&eeps t$roug$ door mar!ed "#a!e ;p". 2eely umes(
{Betty arrives in TV station car par!. Stumbling out o $er V/- s$e
eels only slig$tly &orse t$an s$e loo!s--and s$e loo!s a&ul. S$e
umbles in $er bag and produces sunglasses &$ic$ s$e puts on.(
{+anet is in a ma!e-up c$air. T$e ma!e-up girl is a little nervous.
T$e trio group around. /e see t$em in t$e mirror.(
MAC: *ut o( sel( comes sel(lessness.
SCOTTY: 3how yoursel(. 4he real you. 4he secret you.
NATION: -ou8ll like what you see.
{+anet7s appearance is 0enton Television7s notion o glamour. 5 tac!y
staircase- a e& stars on &ires and some over-ripe dancers. #ac-
2ation- Scotty cro&d into t$e control room.(
NEELY: {V.).( 4he (abulous. 4he %olden. 4he $ery wonder(ul...
VOICES SING: Janet--Janet--Janet--Janet--Janet
SONG: 4T5- M- (: M-4
JANET: {&it$ mirror( 4here8s !ust the two o( me
#lone at last to%ether
We8$e %ot the luck so (ar
We are my lucky star
{,ungle drums(
'eep in the heart o( me
; lo$e e$ery part o( me
#ll ; can see in me
;s the dan%er and the ecstasy
*ne thin% there couldn8t be
;s any more me in me
4his is the me o( me
{0ancers clump around. Film stars<s$o&girls<emmes atales etc.(
e
e
e
e e e
{Betty arrives in control room. Can7t believe $er eyes(
Sc. 2# DENTON
{Cut around amilies eating brea!ast &atc$ing +anet- including +anet7s
parents(
Sc. 21 DENTONVALE
{Ric!y and 5nsalong &atc$ing TV. T$umping $eard rom Brad7s room(
ANSALONG: {remembers( For%ot to let him out o( the closetB
{Rus$es out(
Sc. 26 TV STUDIO
JANET: ; am my destiny
;8ll always belie$e in me
;8d ne$er lie to me
;8d be willin% to die (or me
;8ll pray e$ery day to me
+ere8s what ;8d say to me
4his is the me o( me
{0ancers reappear--Cenerals<!ings<gigolos etc.(
e
e
e
e e e
{Big inis$. 0ancers collapse. Cre& applaud. T$e trio rus$ rom t$e
boot$(
CROWD: Well done. /on%ratulations. 4hat was hot. What an act etc.
NEELY: {on camera in bac!ground( #nd you can see HandH hear Janet
toni%ht at the openin% o( Farley Fla$ors )eisure /enter...etc.
{Betty appears t$roug$ t$e cro&d(
BETTY: +ow8s &rad@
{T$e trio ree4e- e9pecting t$e &orst.(
JANET: ;( he cau%ht my act he8ll be mendin% nicely. {Betty loo!s
appalled( ;t seems ;8m his medicine so we8re o(( to %i$e him another
spoon(ul.
{#ac and 2ation nod and smile(
{+anet s&eeps out. Trio ollo&. Betty remains--pu44led by t$e
transormation.(
Sc. 29 ECT. GAS STATION D)7
{#om and 0ad are on t$eir &ay to visit Brad--sitting in t$e car by t$e
gas pumps. >ir! Idle is giving 0ad an e9tra gallon. /e see a sign
be$ind t$em t$at reads--
"Regular Customers only--2o accounts
2o credit cards--2o c$e'ues"(
KIRK: +ey. ; cau%ht the &reak(ast 3how. Janet was a knockout.
MOM: 4hank you.
KIRK: -eah she looked terri(ic. 3eCy.
{0ad loo!s angry at t$is. >ir! s&allo&s.(
KIRK: 3eCy and yet at the same time {searc$es or a &ord(
GFreshG--untouched--you know. +ow8s &rad@
MOM AND DAD: {'uic!ly( +e8s (ine.
{0ad $ands >ir! some dollars(
KIRK: 0o. 4hat8s all ri%ht. {re,ecting money( )ucky do% ha$in% a
pretty %irl like that (or a wi(e.
{0ad gets in t$e car 'uic!ly(
DAD: *h yeah he sure is. #h. 4hanks (or the %as. 1irk.
KIRK: Well. you scratch my back {T$ey drive o( and ;8ll scratch your
dau%hter8s.
Sc. 2; BETTY'S OFFICE
{Betty on p$one to )liver(
BETTY: 3he was like a di((erent person. *li$er. # (antasy o( Fast Food
Farley. #nd one look at those Gac 1inleysG--listen. i( &rad8s %ettin%
treatment (rom them. well...
{)liver7s voice bar!s instructions( ;8m on my way.
Sc. < DENTONVALE
{#om and 0ad are visiting Brad. Suddenly t$e door lies open and +anet
s&eeps into t$e room. Brad is bound and gagged and straining at $is
bonds.(
JANET: ;8$e !ust come to tell you how (abulous ; am.
BRAD: +<<9++BBB
MOM: y <od. JanetB +ow can you say such thin%s@ )ook at &rad. look
what they8$e done to him.
{#ac- 2ation and Scotty ollo& in(
MAC: #hhhB
DAD: 4here8s %oin% to ha$e to be an in,uiry.
MAC: #hhhB
DAD: 4here are re%ulations.
MAC: Well..;t8s
JANET: For his own %ood.
MAC: {relieved( *( course. +e was in %reat dan%er o( harmin% himsel(.
NATION: We only want what8s best (or him. as parents you HmustH
understand.
DAD: 0o. 0o ; don8t. +e doesn8t ha$e to be trussed up like a
turkey. 4here are dru%s that can keep him ,uiet.
NATION: We used them. #ll o( them.
MOM: #nd none o( them worked@
NATION: 0o.
DAD: 4hen double the stren%th.
NATION: We did.
MAC: We know our !ob.
NATION: #nd we also know how you (eel. we8re not stran%ers to con(usion.
MOM: We8re not con(used.
DAD: Well ; am <od damn itB {.e turns to +anet( -ou trust &rad
with...with...this {$e points to #ac( in the dress.B@B
SONG: 4S5(c= T2-)$*-.$4
MAC: ;8m not a locum with moti$e to suture mysel(
;8$e been a cynic (or too many years
9layin% doctor and nursey can be %ood (or your health
;8$e seen clinics with those %immicks in 4an%iers.
{#ac and 2ation demonstrate t$eir tec$ni'ues on Scotty--planning to
e9ploit $is pretence at being &$eelc$air bound. Scotty is alarmed but
realises $e must go along &it$ t$eir plans.(
NATION: {to parents(
&ut i( you open your heart to a smooth operator
+e8ll take you (or all that you8$e %ot
4hen he8ll hand you a curse that8ll be with you later
;t8ll shake you the way he takes o(( like a shot.
MAC: -ou need a bit o(...
ALL: *oohhh 3hock 4reatment
MAC: <et you !umpin% like a real li$e wire...0eed a bit o(...
ALL: *oohh 3hock 4reatment
MAC: 3o look out mister don8t blow your last resistor
For a sister who will mysti(y yah.
MAC: {to Brad(
-ou8re blinded by romance and blinded by science
-our condition is critically %ra$e
&ut don8t eCpect mercy (rom such an alliance
3uspicion o( tradition8s so new wa$e
-ou need a bit o(...
{Repeat c$orus during &$ic$ Scotty gets a e& volts--&$ic$ gets $im up
and about--pretending t$e 7s$oc! treatment7 $as cured $im.(
'204*05#)2 R2/294;*0
{T$ey dance t$roug$. /e see 5nsalong &it$ Ric!y- t$e male nurse- in a
compromising situation. T$ey move on. 5nsalong and Ric!y button up and
,oin in. Scotty $as started dancing.(
{#ac- 2ation Scotty and +anet piles in t$e car. 5nsalong- Ric!y- #om
and 0ad &ave goodbye. T$ey pull a&ay li!e celebrities.(
'R;52 *F '204*05#)2
{T$e bus$es move and &e see )liver and Betty spying &it$ ield glasses.(
BETTY: {incredulous( )ook. )ook at that. 'r. 3cott8s walkin% {pause(
'ancin%B
OLIVER: -es. acabre isn8t it@ Ri%ht down their %arden path.
Sc. 1 DENTON
{/e $ave a driving se'uence as +anet- Scotty- #ac and 2ation $ead
to&ards t$e %eisure Center. T$e residents o t$e to&n gat$er and &ave.
2ation starts to sing a little song &$ic$ t$ey all pic! up on.(
SONG: 4C)2$- B0).c5-4
NATION: /arte blanche is like an a$alanche
;t kind o( snowballs and sets you (ree
ALL: /arte blanche is like an a$alanche
;t kind o( snowballs and sets you (ree
*oooh *oooh *oooh
{*opulace &ave. #any &ear "F.F" T s$irts. +anet starts en,oying $er
ne& role.(
ALL: /arte blanche is like an a$alanche
;t kind o( snowballs and sets you (ree
*oooh *oooh *oooh
{+anet starts to respond to &aving locals(
JANET: 3o i( you8re lookin% (or a standard
4o which you should aspire then babies
)ook at me.
{#ac and 2ation loo! uneasy at t$is response. +anet is en,oying $ersel
and is beginning to believe $er o&n publicity.(
Sc. 2 L-'3%2- C-.$-2
{T$e car pulls up in &$at seems to be t$e e9pected celebrity manner. /e
see t$e ront o t$e building &it$ a $uge picture o Farley Flavors in
best Red S'uare tradition. T$ere is a lot o activity as people prepare
or t$e opening. /e see a sign going up- reading "DCrand )pening
Tonite--in t$e presence o Farley Flavors- +anet #a,ors and t$e good
people o 0entonD".(
{Ralp$ .apsc$att and $is sta &$o are all in "F.F." uniorms &ait on
t$e steps to greet +anet. 5 e& !ids stand to one side. T$ey $old
autograp$ boo!s etc. 5mong t$eir numbers &e see Brenda 0rill- $er
brot$er )scar and Clis$ 0avison 1Brenda7s boyriend3. T$ey c$eer
+anet7s arrival. Ralp$ steps or&ard.(
RALPH: +i. JanetB Welcome to the F.F. )eisure /enter. We8re all $ery
eCcited about toni%ht.
JANET: {indicating Farley7s $uge picture( 'o ; %et one o( those@
RALPH: {embarrassed( ?h...yeah...yes...;t8s bein% done now. {.e gives
$is assistant #acy Strut$ers a 7Cet &it$ it7 loo!(
MACY: {grinning a i9ed- some mig$t say plastic- smile( +iB acy
3truthers--Reception 2Cecuti$e and second-in-char%e 9ersonnel
/o-ordinator. {S$e almost salutes(
RALPH: #h. acy. Why don8t you take Janet to the 9oolside 3uite. 3he
can (reshen up be(ore the courtesy tour@
MACY: 3urely.
{Flas$ bulbs pop. Brenda pus$es t$roug$.(
BRENDA: {to Ralp$( -ou promised me an introduction.
RALPH: {embarrassed( )ater. &renda. #h. 3cotty. could you spare a
moment in my o((ice.
SCOTTY: {giving #ac and 2ation a superior loo!( *( course. {Follo&s
Ralp$.(
{#ac and 2ation e9c$ange loo!s and ollo& +anet and #acy. Clis$-
Brenda- )scar and riends move to&ards pool area(
GLISH DAVISON: {to Brenda( Who are those creeps with Janet@
BRENDA: 4hey8re no creepsB {Superior tone( HRalphH says they8re
neuro-dia%nosticians.
GLISH: *h yeah. When did Ralph say that@
BRENDA: {taunting boyriend( 0e$er you mind.
{*ool area is undergoing inis$ing touc$es. #ain pool is surrounded by
bandstand garlanded in decorations. 8lectronic mac$ines are every&$ere
and sign boldly proclaiming leisure areas. 7Steam Room7- 7*ool room7-
7Bo&ling 5lley7- 7>ids7 *layground7- etc. #ac- 2ation- +anet- #acy
$eading into a lit. Scotty and Ralp$ t$roug$ a door mar!ed 7*rivate7.
5 reporter in sunglasses &aits in t$e lit.(
REPORTER: ;8m an in$esti%ati$e reporter (rom the 'enton 'aily. 4ell
me. Janet. what will you be representin% toni%ht@
JANET: {stepping out o lit( 3anity (or today.
{#acy opens door to suite. 5ll enter. S$e slams it in reporter7s ace.
Brenda leads c$anting belo&" 7/e &ant +anet7.(
{Ralp$ and Scotty $over by tele9 mac$ines in oice overloo!ing pool.
Ralp$ $olds F.F. sc$edule.(
RALPH: &rad@
SCOTTY: # wreck.
RALPH: /heck. 4he ,uacks are willin% tools@
SCOTTY: FoolsB
RALPH: /heck. Janet@ Wow. ; wouldn8t mind doin% her one or two
(a$ours.
SCOTTY: 4ime to teleC Fla$ors.
{T$ey do.(
{+anet and co. are rela9ing in lu9ury. 2ation mi9es coc!tails.
C$anting in t$e bac!ground.(
MACY: {a bit t$in-lipped( #nythin% else you8d like@
JANET: -es. # new carpet. ; hate the colour.
{#acy leaves. C$anting rises as door opens and closes.(
NATION: ;t8s only one ni%ht. Janet. )et8s not (or%et who we8re doin%
this (or@
JANET: Who@
MAC: &radB
JANET: {megalomania $as ta!en over( ;8m sick o( hearin% about that lame
do%. ;8$e %ot a lot %oin% (or me. ;8m %oin% places. ;8m %onna be
someone. ;8m %onna win my way into the li$es and hearts o( people e$en
i( ; ha$e to kill to do it. ;8ll make the pathetic little crumbs lo$e
me. ; don8t e$en know why ;8m wastin% my time here with you. ; should
be with my people...
{+anet slams out onto balcony. C$eers rise. #ac gives 2ation a loo!.
2ation produces a po&der &it$ &$ic$ s$e laces coc!tail.(
{)n t$e balcony. +anet is &aving.(
CROWD +GLISH,: -ou8re %reatB
JANET: {$umbly( 4hank you.
BRENDA: +iB y names8 &renda 'rill. ; think you8re beauti(ul...this is
my brother *scar and my boy(riend <lish 'a$ison...you8re beauti(ul...you
really are.
OSCAR: #re you a rock sin%er@ ; bet she8s a rock sin%er...
GLISH: -eah. ; saw the break(ast show. -ou8re terri(ic.
BRENDA: -our clothes are real neat...
{2ation appears &it$ +anet7s drin! containing sedative.(
NATION: 4his is Janet. 3he8s a phenomenonB

{Cro&d goes &ild. 2ation $ands t$e drin! and dra&s +anet to&ards door.(
; think you need a little rest. -ou8$e %ot a bi% ni%ht ahead o( you.
JANET: {drin!ing( ;8m not tired.
{S$e &ilts and #ac appears to drag $er inside. T$e &indo&s close as do
t$e curtains.(
Sc. N-83?)?-2 M(.$)>-
{*apers are coming $ot o t$e press. .eadline reads"
"%ocal Cirl *ips Fast Food *$arao$ in *op *oll"
%arge picture o +anet.(
{/e see papers t$ro&n rom vans. Spotty paperboy bello&s.(
BOY: 'enton %irl %ets luckyB 3ou$enir edition.
{#r. Clar!- t$e ban!er- buys several copies. .e is &it$ investigating
reporter.(
CLARK: <reat story. 4om. 4his could brin% bi% money to 'enton.
;n$estment (rom the F.F. chain is an attracti$e speculation.
{T$ey $ead do&n street.(
4ell me. is toni%ht black tie...@
BOY: 2CtraB 2CtraB
Sc. " T5- L'B2)27
{)liver is be$ind a pile o boo!s.../e see pages being lipped in
inde9es under 7#7- 7#ac7- 7#ac >inley7.(
OLIVER: ;8m sure ; know that name (rom the past.
BETTY: Well whoe$er they are. they seem most persuasi$e.
OLIVER: {lipping pages( -es. &etty but the H(alseH promise o( a new
dawn is usually (ollowed by a most bloody sunset.
BETTY: {impressed( Why. *li$er...
{Betty is about to compliment $is turn o p$rase &$en s$e catc$es sig$t
o t$e librarian- about to pin up a poster. It reads"
5
082T)2V5%8 #I02IC.T
8ECIT8#82T
-
CR520 )*82I2C
In t$e *resence o
"F5R%8? F%5V)RS"
&it$
T.8 F5B;%);S +528T
15s seen on T.V.3
-
0ress to Impress@
5ttire to Inspire@(
LIBRARIAN: ;sn8t this eCcitin%@ ;8$e had a <eor%e 3and costume han%in%
in my closet since %raduation. ; can8t wait.
{Betty gives $er a patronising smile. T$e librarian e9its. )lly ta!es
do&n t$e poster.(
BETTY: *h. *li$er...What are we %oin% to do@
{Camera reveals Farley perusing ne&spaper identical to clipping in
"0enton 0ossier"--date FG6H--$eadline 7T&ins Tragedy7.(
Sc. # D-.$(./)0-
{Brad is still bound and gagged and everis$...#om and 0ad are present.
T$ey loo! very &orried.(
MOM: *h. what are we %oin% to do@
DAD: Well...maybe ; could wear my black patent leather bro%ues@
MOM: 4oo (lashy...{Brad moans( ;t8s all ri%ht. &rad dear...ha$e
another sedati$e...we8ll miss you at the party toni%ht.
{#om gives Brad a pill and t$ey leave- passing 5nsalong on t$e
telep$one.(
ANSALONG: 3ure. ;8m %oin%...Well. ; %uess ; mi%ht wear my
uni(orm...;t8s %enerally welcome anywhere...-ou8re wearin% what@
...&ye. {*$one do&n(
DAD: )isten. ;( you are wearin% your uni(orm toni%ht...and ; take it
you are...take a (ew inches o(( the hem.
ANSALONG: 'o you think so@ 9erhaps you8re ri%ht.
DAD: ; know ;8m ri%ht. &ye...
ANSALONG: &ye...
{/e ollo& #om and 0ad across to t$eir car.(
DAD: aybe those ;talian loa(ers ; bou%ht in +awaii mi%ht still (it.
Sc. 1 D-.$(./)0-.
{Bac! in $is cell- sedated- Brad enters a delirious sleep. +anet
appears--dream-li!e--muttering "I7ve ,ust come to tell you $o& abulous
I am".(
Sc. 6 L-'3%2- C-.$-2.
{+anet tosses and turns in $er sedated stupor. /e pull into $er ace.
S$e moans a little. S$e7s $aving an erotic but troubled dream. /e
dissolve to images o Brad and $er toget$er. #ac and 2ation are busy
scientiically monitoring t$eir passion. T$e door opens and t$e spectre
o Farley stands in t$e s$ado&s. Brad becomes Farley. Farley becomes
Brad. #ac and 2ation laug$.(
SCOTTY: {V.).( Face up to it. Janet. +e8s an emotional cripple.
FARLEY: {V.).(
4ime8s ti%ht. Janet
'o it ri%ht. Janet
BRAD: {V.).( ?ntil toni%ht. Janet.
JANET: ##<+++++BBB
{S$e &a!es up. Cuitar ri rom ne9t song starts t$robbing.(
{+anet is in a disturbed state. S$e decides to run. S$e crosses to t$e
curtains- peeps out and spots #ac and 2ation on t$e balcony. S$e
recoils to t$e door o t$e room. It7s loc!ed. S$e loo!s out t$e
&indo&s t$at overloo! t$e car par!. Ralp$ is ,ust inis$ing supervising
t$e erection o $er picture and $er name in ple9iglass. +anet $urries
to a door at t$e ot$er end o t$e room. It7s a pass door into anot$er
suite- one &$ic$ is being prepared or Farley Flavors. T$ere7s a bar-
rom &$ic$ s$e pours $ersel a large drin!. T$ere are some clot$es laid
out- rom &$ic$ s$e selects a edora- dar! glasses and a blac! top coat.
S$e ta!es anot$er belt o boo4e- leaves t$e room and &or!s $er &ay
to&ards t$e main entrance. /e see Ralp$ coming bac! into t$e building.
Reporters descend on $im. +anet $ides. /e pic! up Ralp$7s voice as $e
&al!s to&ards &$ere +anet is concealed- ollo&ed by ne&s$ounds.(
RALPH: -es...H3+2H will be stayin% here until tomorrow...we ha$e made
rooms here in the /enter o$er to her and her party...0oB ; don8t know
what her neCt mo$e will be...but you can be sure o( one thin%...it all
starts here...%entlemen...
{.e passes by. +anet moves 'uic!ly to&ards t$e e9it. From a $ig$ s$ot
&e see +anet going out o t$e building and Ralp$ glancing casually in
$er direction as $e ma!es $is &ay to t$e poolside balcony. Brenda7s
gang are s$outing "+anet--+anet--/e &ant +anet".(
MAC: 3hut up. 3hut up. 3he8s sleepin%.
BRENDA A CO: {&$isper( Janet--Janet--We want Janet.
{Ralp$ reac$es #ac and 2ation.(
RALPH: essa%e (rom F.F.
{Silence. 2ation unloc!s door.(
MAC: 3he8s %one.
RALPH: {remembers t$e igure $e sa&( 3truthersB /heck the parkin%
lotBB ;8ll call 9arker.
{Conusion reigns. )scar and Clis$ orm searc$ party. Brenda
approac$es Ralp$.(
BRENDA: {coyly( ;( you need a stand-in...@
Sc. 9 D-.$(. S$2--$3. N'>5$
{Incognito +anet is cruising t$e streets o do&nto&n 0enton. T$ere is
an edge o desperation as s$e sings.(
SONG: 4L((='.> :(2 T2)&-4
JANET: ;8m in a cul-de-sac
#n8 ;8$e %ot to %o back
3o c8mon (eet
We %otta hit the street
We %ot it made...
;8m lookin% (or trade
Sc. ; D-.$(./)0-
{Brad tosses and turns in $is sleep.(
BRAD: ;8m lookin8 (or lo$e
Sc. "< D-.$(. S$2--$3
{+anet cruises on oot. *ar!er in patrol car is cruising in t$e ot$er
direction.(
{0uring c$orus t$e unemployed sons o 0enton lounge against s$op
&indo&s.(
JANET: ; need some
ALL: -oun% blood
JANET: ; need some
ALL: -oun% blood
JANET: ; need it now
; need some
ALL: -oun% blood
JANET: ; need some
ALL: -oun% blood
JANET: #n8 ;8m %onna %et it somehow
;8m in a dead-end street
)ike a do% in heat
;8m like a kid with no toys
; %otta %et those boys
*ohh ; can8t be delayed
;8m lookin% (or trade
Sc. "1 D-.$(./)0-
{Brad s&eats. +anet7s image appears in $is dream.(
BRAD: ;8m lookin% (or lo$e
Sc. "2 E0-c$2(.'c G)*-3 A2c)&-
{T$e delin'uents o 0enton are &$i44ing and iring t$eir mac$ines in
r$yt$m.(
ALL: We8re all li$in% like there8s no tomorrow
JANET: #nd the way thin%s are %oin% that8s probably true
&ut without you and me sis
{S$e loo!s at $er relection(

4he world8d (all to pieces
5ena /a$a who8s the ra$er@
ALL: *ur ra$in% sa$iour. that8s youBB
Sc. " P((0 R((*
{*ar!er7s car drits past entrance. +anet is inside. T$e pool cues
clic! in r$yt$m.(
JANET: ;8m on the primrose path
)ookin% (or a lau%h
Remember blood must run
For the chosen one
4here are %ames to be played
)ookin% (or trade
Sc. "" D-.$(./)0-
{Brad7s dream. .e and +anet.(
BRAD: ;8m lookin% (or lo$e
Sc. "" B)2
{+anet is drin!ing- surrounded by trade. Classes clin!.(
JANET: ; need some
ALL: -oun% blood
JANET: ; need some
ALL: -oun% blood
; need it now
{Repeat t&ice. )scar- Clis$ and col enter t$e bar.(
JANET: #nd ;8m %onna %et it somehow
;8m lookin% (or trade
OSCAR: Janet. they8re lookin8 (or you all o$er.
JANET: {drun! and slurring( ;t8s nice to be needed.
GLISH: -ou8$e %ot to come back. We want to play at your party toni%ht.
OSCAR: -eah. We8re a band and my sister &renda persuaded Ralph to let
us play.
BARMAN: -er under a%e. 3cram.
JANET: Whateryer called. yer band@
OSCAR: {proudly( *scar 'rill and the &its.
{*ar!er enters- spots +anet- loo!s embarrassed but oicial.(
JANET: /ome on. &its. )ooks like our cab8s arri$ed.
{T$ey $ead o.(
Sc. "1 H-0'c(?$-2.
{/e see Farley running to&ards us. .e duc!s under t$e rotating blades
and climbs in. T$e door slams be$ind $im.(
BETTY: {V.).( +e was a president.
OLIVER: 9resident@ 9ast 9residentsBBB &etty. ; think you8$e %ot it.
BETTY: {V.).( *h really@ {S$e appears.( +ow do ; look@
{Betty appears in a se9y combat outit. S$e loo!s astonis$ing. )liver
stands up and &e see $e is &earing t$e /./.A e'uivalent.(
OLIVER: {clutc$es $is $eart( /harmin%...,uite...charmin%.
{Cuns$ot resounds.(
Sc. "9 J).-$'3 P)2-.$3' P0)c-
{+anet7s mom $as ancy-dressed $ersel into a gun-toting co&girl. S$e
ires caps at a mirror.(
SONG: 4L((= W5)$ Y(% D'& T( M7 I&4
MOM: )ike a chirp in a down town nitery
;8ll be hi%her than a (lyer has a ri%ht to be
4he art will start when ; play my part
#s the tart with the %olden heart
*h look what you did to my id
{0ad is in t$e ne9t room. .e7s &earing a FGIH7s Joot Suit.(
DAD: )ike <enesis this really is a (irst (or me
;8m really %lad that Janet laid this curse on me
;8m a brute in a cute Doot suit
4hat wants to put in the boot. shoot and loot
*h look what you did to my id
Sc. "; TV S$%&'(
{2eely slipping into $er 7on-camera7 party outit.(
NEELY: )ike a %ood-time %irl ; couldn8t (eel much (iner
<ot a deep plum lipstick an8 new eye-liner
4hese bitch-heels are so damn $icious
; (eel weak with pleasure and so delicious
*h look what you did to my id...
Sc. #< D-.$(./)0-
{#ac and 2ation c$anging into doctors7 coats- stet$oscopes and
$ead-mirrors.(
MAC AND NATION:
When there8s hea$en in the music
+ell is in control
4he an%els %ot the $oices
&ut the de$il %ot the rock and roll...
{Scotty c$anging into ,ac!-boots and leder$osen(
SCOTTY: 4his could be the start o( a whole career here
4his could take me to a town that8s nowhere near here
Sc. #1 L-'3%2- C-.$-2
{Ralp$ ties bo&-tie(
RALPH: 4o &etty ;8m a chau$inistic i%noramus
&ut ;8m %onna (ind a way to wind up bein% (amous
*h look what you did to my id
Sc. #2 D-.$(./)0-
{5nsalong inis$es alterations to uniorm(
ANSALONG:
<ot the hot (lush symptoms an8 ;8m (eelin% (reaky
<ot my hem so hi%h they8ll say ;8m bein% cheeky
Sc. # P)2=-2'3 P0)c-
{Bat$room o )icer Vance *ar!er. .e7s in t$e bat$ 1bubble3. .e $as
$is leg stretc$ed out and is soaping it in a languid manner....e
sings...(
PARKER: ale /aucasian tall and handsome
With le%s like mine ;8m really made (or dancin8
*h look what you did to my id...
Sc. #" B).= V)%0$
{#r. Clar! is in $is vault opening a security loc!er revealing bondage
maga4ines and manacles.(
CLARK: With my stocks and bonds ; will secure completely
# siDeable priDe e$en i( the whole bunch beat me
Sc. ## G)3 S$)$'(.
{>ir! $as ,ust poured $imsel into s!in tig$t lig$t sil! or cotton
overalls and $e no& pours $imsel into $is custom car...(
KIRK: Feelin% tuned and ti%ht now that ;8$e customised me
;( ; win toni%ht a8well it won8t surprise me
Woah look what you did to my id
Sc. #1 B2-.&)'3 P0)c-
{Brenda loo!s great in $er party outit(
BRENDA: ;n the best dressed contest
4here8s bound to be some !ealousy
&ut the best dressed %uest with whom ;8m most impressed...
;s H2H B
Sc. #6 L-'3%2- C-.$-2
{/e cut to t$e road outside t$e center.../e see everyone arriving...T$ey
&al!. Ride bi!es...#otorcycles...Come in cars...T$ere are las$es rom
cameras- TV mobiles...5nyt$ing and everyt$ing &it$ a to&n o t$is si4e
partying(
ALL: -ou may say that we8re bein% seCist
#n8 we8$e %ot e%os that are bi%%er than 4eCas
&ut look what you did to my id
1id
)ook what you did to my id
Sc. #9 {Outside Dentonvale}
{T$e V/ drives into vie& and )liver $ops out. .e gives inal
instructions to Betty. T$e lig$t rom Brad7s room glo&s against a nig$t
s!y.(
OLIVER: {military style( *1. &etty. -ou ha$e thirty minutes to %et to
the studios and search 3cott8s o((ice.
BETTY: What am ; lookin% (or@
OLIVER: 2$idence.
BETTY: {revs engine( *1. *li$er. <ood luck.
OLIVER: 4hanks. &etty.
BETTY: *h. and *li$er...
OLIVER: -es. &etty@
BETTY: &e circumspect.
Sc. #; T5- L-'3%2- C-.$-2.
{2ation $as organised a s$o&er and coee to sober +anet up--$o&ever
+anet is be$aving li!e a small c$ild. #ac is seet$ing. Clis$ and )scar
&it mesmerised: li!e most people t$ey are mista!ing $istrionics or
greatness. #acy Strut$ers and 2ation drag +anet rom t$e s$o&er and
$elp $er into a c$air. )scar pus$es coee to&ard $er. 2ation starts
to dry +anet7s $air. #acy crosses to t$e door loo!ing at $er &atc$ and
s$o&ing signs o nervousness.(
JANET: {murmurs( &radB *h. &rad.
NATION: {impatient( +e8s a lame do%. remember@ &ut e$en he wouldn8t
want to see you like this.
{T$e door opens. Ralp$ is t$ere &it$ ne&s$ounds.(
REPORTERS: {V.).s( Well. can we see her--)ook. ;8$e come a lon% way--;(
the copy isn8t ready in the neCt hal( hour it8s (or%et time. 2tc.
RALPH: )ater. boys...
{.e closes t$e door--#acy indicates +anet(
RALPH: {continues( +ow is she@ {#acy s$rugs and pulls a ace( -eahB
Well. ; !ust %ot word Farley8s landin% any minute. -ou %uysBB {)scar
and Clis$( <et yer asses down on that sta%e and try and earn yoursel$es
a reputation. *kay@ Ho$eHBBB
{Ralp$ rus$es out ollo&ed by #acy(
{)scar and Clis$ s$ule a bit--)scar puts a couple o grubby pills on
t$e table(
OSCAR: For you. Janet--they8ll make you (eel real %ood.
GLISH: {a&!&ardly( yeah. ri%ht.
{T$ey e9it. 2ation s!illully pops $er o&n pill into +anet7s coee.(
NATION: #mateursB
Sc. 1<. TV S$)$'(.
{Reception area--a monitor set s$o&s activity at %eisure Center. Betty
tried to loo! as t$oug$ s$e7s t$ere on legitimate business 1&$ic$ is
!ind
o diicult in commando gear3. 5 colleague approac$es $er.(
TV COLLEAGUE: *h hi. &etty -- ; thou%ht you8d be at the )eisure /enter.
BETTY: *h--; couldn8t think what to wear.
TV COLLEAGUE: *h---eah@
{Betty &al!s on and studies a &all c$art until t$e ot$er person $as
vanis$ed- t$en 'uic!ly enters Scotty7s oice--5cting li!e a detective-
s$e scouts around--/e see a monitor &$ic$ is lic!ering silently--)n it
&e see 2eely *ritt reporting live rom t$e %eisure Center.(
Sc. 11 L-'3%2- C-.$-2
{*arty in ull s&ing. 8veryone dressed to t$eir notion o &$at is
correct--ormal to overdressed--casual to bi4arre.(
NEELY: #n8 so i( you8re a (ollower o( eCotic (ashion you8ll (ind plenty
to keep you %oin% here in 'enton toni%ht...and naturally. (eelin% the
eCcitement and not wishin% to stick out like a sore thumb ; had to %et
an out(it o( my own to%ether...an8 this is it...
{S$e tries at irst to be t$e reporter in a unny costume but t$en &e
see a loo! in $er eyes t$at says...D%))>D at D#8D.(
Sc. 12 D-.$(./)0-
{/e see a las$lig$t playing around t$e room. It settles on a des!
dra&er.../e close in on it and see a $and open it.../e see t$at it is
)liver....e ta!es out some passports...T$ey read" Bra4il ... S&it4erland
... and #orocco... .e lips t$em open and &e see a Cosmo and 2ation
.arding... Cosmo and 2ation Coolidge... Cosmo and 2ation Fillmore...
)liver sig$s &it$ satisaction...(
OLIVER: FuacksB
{T$e door rattles...)liver !ills t$e lig$t. .e crosses to t$e door and
slo&ly turns t$e tumbler loc!...T$en &it$ t$e 'uic!ness o a muc$
younger man $e t$ro&s t$e door open and grabs t$e person on t$e ot$er
side...It7s Ric!y@ .e7s terriied by )liver7s commando outit.(
OLIVER: Well. wellB #n accessory be(ore and a(ter the (act i( e$er ;
saw one.
{Ric!y loo!s more startled.(
OLIVER: {bluing( &rad a!ors8 room and hurry. otherwise you become
the (irst martyr o( the re$olution.
RICKY: {blued( Re$olution@ #h--sure. this way.
Sc. 1 L-'3%2- C-.$-2
{T$e cro&d surges around us li!e a stormy sea...5midst cries o "Cet
your T-s$irts and posters" and ent$usiastic greetings rom t$e cro&d &e
veer over to Brenda 0rill &$o7s organising some !ids into a c$eer s'uad.
In t$e bac!ground )scar 0rill7s band is tuning up.(
BRENDA: *kay@ 3o let8s do the GJ-#-0-2-4G a%ain. {T$ey c$ant t$e
letters( -eah. that8s okay...ri%ht...H;8mH %oin% to walk down with
HherH. okay... and Hyou8llH be waitin% down here to clear a path (or
HherH to come out... and HsheH and H;H will come throu%h and HyouH do
the chant...eanwhile H;H think one o( us should wait outside HherH
room. Why don8t we all %o@
{T$ey race a&ay.../e pan &it$ t$em. T$e noise o t$e cro&d surges up
and our image blurs &it$ moving bodies...(
Sc. 1" D-.$(./)0-
{Ric!y and )lly are $elping Brad 1&$o is still &earing a strait ,ac!et3
along t$e corridor. 5s t$ey pass t$e p$one it starts to ring--t$ere is
a moment o indecision--)lly pic!s it up and $olds it out or t$e t$ree
o t$em to listen.(
Sc. 1# T5- L-'3%2- C-.$-2
{T$e boys $ave tuned up. T$e cro&d roar. Ralp$ steps up to t$e mi!e.(
RALPH: )adies and %entlemen--'enton8s own--with --{$e reads( G#
3uburban <ara%e 3oundG. )et8s hear it (or *scar 'rill and the &its.
{T$e cro&d c$eer--guitars rip into intro.(
Sc. 11 TV S$)$'(.
{Betty7s on t$e p$one in Scotty7s oice. S$e $olds t$e 70enton
0ossier7 turning t$e pages to 7T&ins Tragedy7 clip(
BETTY: *li$er@ -ou were ri%ht. ; !ust can8t belie$e it.
OLIVER: {V.).( 4his is one time charity didn8t be%in at home.
{Betty turns page to reveal baby and adult p$otos o Brad<Farley--t&ins(
BETTY: #nd they8re so alike.
{/e pan up to t$e monitor and "T$e Bits".(
Sc. 16 L-'3%2- C-.$-2
{)scar is singing $is $eart out(
SONG: 4B2-)='.>DO%$4
OSCAR: ; know how it (eels to be coolin8 my heels
;8$e been down on them lon% enou%h
&ut i( ; take to them now
4hen maybe somehow
-ou8ll see throu%h the blu((
*( my playin% it tou%h
Sc. 19 D-.$(./)0-
{Brad in strait ,ac!et is piled into ambulance by )liver and Ric!y.(
BRAD: Where are we %oin%@
OLIVER: 4o a (amily reunion.
Sc. 1; L-'3%2- C-.$-2
OSCAR: ;8$e been a li(etime on deposit
#nd that8s a lon% time in the closet
#nd i( you say to me 8+ow was it@8
;t was hard takin% that heart breakin%
<od-(orsaken route
&ut ;8m b-b-b-breakin% out.
Sc. 6< D-.$(./)0-
{5mbulance roars t$roug$ t$e nig$t(
Sc. 61 L-'3%2- C-.$-2
{+anet7s suite. /e $ear )scar on *.5. #acy $elps $er dress. S$e
stares- ro4en- into a mirror.(
OSCAR: {V.).(
-ou may say that you8d choose
4o be in my shoes
&ut look what it did (or me
; %ot buried ali$e
; don8t thri$e on that !i$e
)ook and you8ll see
4hat my spikes don8t (it me
Sc. 62 L-'3%2- C-.$-2
{Cro&d- led by Brenda- dance up a storm.(
CHORUS: We8$e been a li(etime on deposit
4hat8s a lon% time in the closet
Sc. 6 D-.$(. 3$2--$3
{Betty puts $er oot do&n in t$e V/. 5 $elicopter is $eard.(
CHORUS: {V.).(
#nd i( you say to us 8+ow was it@8
;t was hard takin% that heart breakin%
<od-(orsaken route
&ut we8re b-b-b-breakin% out
{.elicopter passes over$ead(
Sc. 6" L-'3%2- C-.$-2
{Big inis$--band and c$orus go &ild(
CHORUS: We8re b-b-b-breakin% out.
{.elicopter is $eard. Cries o "It7s $im"- "Farley7s arrived"- etc. as
everyone rus$es upstairs to rootop.(
Sc. 6# R((:$(? DD L-'3%2- C-.$-2
{C$opper lands. Flas$bulbs pop. Fire&or!s ignite. Farley steps out-
greeted by Ralp$ and Scotty. Flavors ta!es big breat$ and smiles and
poses.(
{2eely *ritt moves to&ards Farley Flavors. S$e !eeps turning to
camera and treating us as vie&ers.(
NEELY: #nd so at last he8s here--the man who is responsible (or
toni%ht8s (esti$ities.
{S$e reac$es $im and s$oves t$e microp$one at $im.(
NEELY: {continues( r Fla$ors--may we ha$e a moment o( your time@
FARLEY: {magnanimous( 3ure thin%.
NEELY: We8$e heard rumours that you8re %oin% to un$eil more than !ust
the )eisure /enter toni%ht. ;s this true@
FARLEY: 9er(ectly correct.
NEELY: /ould you tell us a little about it@
FARLEY: )et8s !ust say that ;8m puttin% 3anity back on the menu o( this
%reat 0ation o( ours.
NEELY: #nd how does Glocal %irlG Janet a!ors (it into the scheme o(
thin%s@
FARLEY: 5ery nicely --
{.e catc$es Ralp$7s arm and moves a&ay rom 2eely.(
FARLEY: {aside to Ralp$ indicating +anet7s picture( {continues( 4hat
billin%8s too bi%.
{Ralp$ smarts- t$en indicates to #acy- 7Ta!e it do&n.7 *ar!er ollo&s
&it$ pilot.(
PILOT: {ironically( 0ice little town you8$e %ot here.
VANCE: {grim( We like it.
{Fire&or!s e9plode.(
Sc. 61 R()& $( C-.$-2
{5mbulance traveling &it$ Brad and )liver. Ric!y drives.(
OLIVER: 3ince you were separated at birth. he8s (ollowed your e$ery
mo$e...and he8s resented you all these years.
BRAD: #nd Janet@
OLIVER: 3he represents e$erythin% he was denied.
{Fire&or!s e9plode(
Sc. 66 L-'3%2- C-.$-2
{Farley- Ralp$- Scotty- #ac and 2ation are seated around boardroom table
in Farley7s suite. 5 picture o Farley $overs be$ind t$em and cigar
smo!e ills t$e air. #acy stands at t$e door. Farley &inds up a
stirring speec$.(
FARLEY: ...and she represents e$erythin% that our customers want.
;nnocence. decency and the illusion o( a happy endin%.
MACY: {stepping t$oug$ door( ;8ll %o %et her.
FARLEY: #nd behind her ima%e the 'enton$ale /hain o( 4ake-#way 4herapy
will thri$e in the capable hands o( two %reat ethical intellects
operatin% on the (rontiers o( medical science {indicating #ac and
2ation( ... coupled with the mana%erial %enius o(... {Scotty mout$s
"Ralp$"( Ralph. #ll under the (irm %uidance o( a %reat sur$i$or in the
treacherous sea o( diplomacy-- 2$erett 3cott.
{5pplause. #eeting brea!s up. Ralp$ and Scotty inspect 7product
display7 -- t$erapy cassettes- domestic restraint ,ac!ets- broc$ures
entitled 75 #enu or Sanity7- etc. Farley crosses to #ac and 2ation.(
FARLEY: ;8d like to thank you (or takin% the neurosis out o( Janet8s
li(e.
{0oor opens. #acy escorts +anet in. S$e stares at Farley.(
FARLEY: {continues( JanetB
JANET: {ama4ed at resemblance( &radB
Sc. 69 EE$-2'(2 L-'3%2- C-.$-2.
{Betty7s V/ pulls in ront o building. S$e is illuminated by ire&or!s
as s$e steps out o car. 5 siren sounds be$ind $er and s$e turns to see
t$e ambulance pull into t$e entrance. TV truc!s surround &it$ monitors
and *5 systems.(
RALPH ).& VO: #nd here she isB *ur $ery ownB #merica8s 9rideB 4he
World8s 2CampleB Janet...4he 3ensation o( the 9lanetB {c$eers( We
brin% you...;33 204#) +2#)4+.
{T$e cro&d go &ild...)liver- Betty- Brad and Ric!y run up stairs to
entrance. Cuard on steps observes Brad7s strait ,ac!et.(
GUARD: {to ot$er sentry( 4hat %uy8s sure to win the costume priDe.
Sc. 6; L-'3%2- C-.$-2 I.$-2'(2
{/e $ear a anare and see +anet appear at t$e ar end o t$e pool...s$e
steps onto a cat&al! &$ic$ is running t$e entire lengt$ o t$e
pool...2ation- #ac and Scotty are &aiting on a estooned dais above t$e
diving board...2ation $as t$e microp$one.(
NATION: {*5( ;sn8t she lo$ely@
MOM: {s$outs( ommy and 'addy lo$e you. baby.
NATION: {*5( 3he walks in beauty...
MOM: {s$outs( We lo$e you. baby.
NATION: {*5( We all lo$e Janet...Who do we lo$e@
ALL: {s$out( HJ#024HBB
NATION: {*5( 4he dress Janet is wearin% has been %i$en by /reme de la
/reme odes o( 'owntown 'enton. and we8$e been asked that you take note
o( the indi$idual stylin% and eC,uisite tailorin%...4his is !ust one o(
the many %i(ts that ha$e been so (reely and %enerously %i$en to Janet.
the (irst o( (we hope) many iss ental +ealths...
{Brenda 0rill preens at t$is remar!.(
ALL: +ooray.
VOICE IN THE CROWD: )et the 9resident throu%h.
{/e pic! up )liver- Betty- Brad at t$e ar end o t$e pool...t$ey can7t
get t$roug$ t$e cro&d. Ric!y $as ound 5nsalong.(
BETTY: {to )liver( {astonis$ed( 4he 9resident8s here...etc.
{T$e cro&d parts and &e see a rat$er nasty little man pop out.(
PRESIDENT: ;8m ;rwin )appsy...9resident o( )appsy #uto...; ha$e here in
my hand some keys...keys that ; want to %i$e to this little )ady that8s
bein% honoured here toni%ht...#nd ; wanna tell you...that i( this same
little )ady takes these same keys out to the parkin% lot ri%ht outside
this wonder(ul )eisure /ompleC...3he8ll (ind that they (it
somethin%...and what that somethin% is...is a...H&R#0' 02WH...H?)4R# '2
)?I2...H2;<+4 /-);0'2R /*052R4;&)2BBH /*9)242 With
HR#';*H...H4#92'2/1H...HW#3+#&)2 32#4 /*52R3H and many many more
eCtras...an8 it8s all hers (or absolutely (ree.
{.e $ands D#acD t$e !eys.(
ALL: Wow...-eah...+ooray.
MOM: -ou8re beauti(ul. baby.
{Ralp$ steps bac! to t$e mi!e intercepting #ac &$o $ad t$e same idea.(
RALPH: Well. Janet8s absolutely speechless. ladies and %entlemen. &ut
that8s alri%ht. &ecause we don8t need her to talk...We !ust need her to
meet someone who needs no introduction.........
{Cro&d c$eer(
#...ister...Farley...
CROWD: {scream( F)#5*R3B
{Fanare. Farley enters grinning and &aving. C$eers as $e approac$es
microp$one. Scotty pipes in organ underscoring--preac$er style.(
FARLEY: y (riends. 4oni%ht. in declarin% this temple o( leisure
o((icially open. we are takin% the (irst step o( de(iance and startin%
somethin% that will %row so bi% that the whole world will re$erberate to
its sound. #nd where$er our slo%an 83#0;4- #0' 5#0;4-8 is uttered it
will be linked incontro$ertibly with this ni%ht...this town...and...
this...beauti(ul...(ace.
{Farley approac$es +anet.(
BRAD: {s$outs rom cro&d( 32'?/2RB
{c$ord(
FARLEY: {ama4ed( #nd who are you. 3irB
{c$ord(
BRAD: {deiant( -our twin brotherB
#nd your accuserB
{Ceneral consternation. +anet loo!s rom one to anot$er. T$ey are
indeed identical.(
JANET: &radB {Runs to $im(
MAC: {to *ar!er( #rrest that manB +e8s committed to our care.
JANET: {to #ac( ; ne$er si%ned the papers. +e8s not %oin% anywhere.
{c$ord(
OLIVER: {to Farley( 4o re$en%e your twin--you tried to abuse her.
FARLEY: 4his is all $ery sad and you8re $ery con(used. sir.
BRAD: 4hen why did you choose her@
FARLEY: ; don8t. ; re(use her.
#nd youB...
SONG: 4D%-0DD%-$4
{0uring t$is song t$e t&ins conront eac$ ot$er on t$e cat &al!...it7s
li!e a ,ousting tournament.(
FARLEY: -ou8re a lose...an abomination
;n the eyes o( any sensiti$e man
BRAD: #n8 you8re a blind alley cruiser
#lways headin% down a losin% strai%ht
'reamin8 that you8re screamin8 at (ate
-ou8re a dead-end. dead-beat no-where mister
With a kiss like a ississippi alli%ator8s sister
FARLEY: ;8$e took as much o( you as any man can
-ou8$e lost your heart
BRAD: -ou8$e lost your cause
FARLEY: -ou lost your baby when you lost your balls
-ou8$e lost your mind. you8$e lost your %rip
3o say bye bye
BRAD: We lost our mom. we lost our dad
#n8 i( ;8m losin% you. well that8s !ust too bad
FARLEY: Well. the best thin% you could e$er do...is die
BRAD: -ou8re a (ailure...
# mal(ormation in the %uise o( many. an also-ran
FARLEY: #n8 you8re a weeper and a wailer
#lways treadin% on the toes o( the %reat
<enerally spreadin% your wei%ht
-ou8re a spite(ul. hate(ul asinine creature
# pupil with no scruples who knew better than the teacher
BRAD: ;8$e took as much o( you as any man can
FARLEY: -ou8$e lost your heart
BRAD: -ou8$e lost your cause
FARLEY: -ou lost your baby when you lost your balls
-ou8$e lost your mind. you8$e lost your %rip
3o say bye bye

BRAD: We lost our home and our (amily
-ou8$e lost compassion. now you8re losin% me
FARLEY: 4he best thin% you could e$er do is die
BRAD: 4he best thin% you could e$er do is die
BOTH: 4he best thin% you could e$er do is die
{T$ey inis$ up nose to nose screaming at eac$ ot$er...Farley trips Brad
&$o alls bac!&ards into pool. +anet rus$es to $im.(
FARLEY: 4ake no notice o( him. +e8s mad.
BRAD: {spluttering( ;8m as sane as you are. 3anerB
{#ac grabs microp$one.(
MAC: {*5( #nd he was only with us (or a day.
{Cro&d ,eer and laug$. Ralp$ ta!es mi!e.(
RALPH: ; hope r. Fla$ors will accept apolo%ies on behal( o( 'enton (or
this un(ortunate incident. H2$eryoneH wants to be related to the %reat.
{Cro&d laug$--deriding Brad. +anet comorts $im. Farley ta!es mi!e.
Furious.(
FARLEY: 0o o((enceB *n the contrary. this is a per(ect eCamples o( what
we8re here to combat. {.e points at Brad- +anet- )liver and Betty. .e
s$outs--c$anting( *utB *utB *utB
{T$e cro&d pic! up c$ant until 7)ut- out- out7 becomes a deaening roar
and t$is 'uartet retreat in ear o t$eir lives. t$e cro&d roar turns
to c$eers.(
FARLEY: {triump$ant( 3ee how we %ot rid o( that little problem.
H?nitedHB #nd that8s how we8re %onna clean up the minds o( a nation.
{C$eers- &$istles and ta!e-a&ay goods are being distributed. Brenda
nudges Ralp$--Ralp$ indicates $er to Farley.(
FARLEY: {continues( {*5( {to Brenda( Would you care to !oin me up
here. iss. as we inau%urate the Farley Fla$ors Fabulous 'enton$ale
3anatorium...(irst o( a chain that will span (rom coast to coast and
(rom continent to continent...3tep up. please. iss...@
BRENDA: &renda...&renda 'rill.
BRENDA'S MOTHER: ommy lo$es you. &abyB
{+anet7s mom loo!s suicidal...0ad consoles(
MOM: What a ner$eB What a mouthB
DAD: 3hut up. Ruby. and listen to a success story.
NEELY PRITT: {in tears( ; can8t stand it. 2$erythin% %ood always
happens to other people.
NATION: {sotto voce( 4his could be worse than the old days.
COSMO: ;n the old days we didn8t ha$e a con$ertible.
{.e rattles t$e !eys.(
Sc. 9< S$-?3 (: L-'3%2- C-.$-2
{)utside t$e %eisure Center &e see Brad- +anet- Betty and )liver ta!e
s$elter rom t$e steps.(
FARLEY'S VOICE: {rom TV monitors( #nd remember. 3anity today is the
path to a more hy%ienic tomorrow.
{/e $ear t$e tiny voice o 2eely *ritt coming rom a TV mobile unit.(
NEELY: {V)( #nd Fast Food <iant Farley Fla$ors has %i$en iss ental
+ealth what can only be described as an o((icial kiss o( appro$al and
the crowd are lo$in% it...0ot much is known o( the %irl who stepped out
o( the crowd here toni%ht and into the shoes......etc.
{T$e 'uartet are glum. +anet7s p$otograp$ is lo&ered in t$e
bac!ground.(
JANET: Was ; a $ictim o( his heart
*r a $ictim o( his schemes
'id he lo$e me or resent you
)ike a player in his dreams
{Cro&d roars. Images rom 7inside7 punctuate t$e ollo&ing.(
BRAD: Why don8t we all %et out o( here
4here8s nothin% le(t to lose@
BETTY: 0o. We ha$e the power to think and (eel
We ha$e the power to choose.
{Cro&d roars.(
OLIVER: 4here8s a cancer here amon% us
#nd it8s %nawin% at the heart
We can shake o(( the (etters
*( ,uacks and %o-%etters
#nd the way to be%in -- is startB
{#usic starts abruptly. T$ey sing and dance do&n t$e steps.(
SONG: 4A.75(8@ A.75(8@4
FUARTET: 3ome people do it (or compassion
3ome people do it (or the (ashion
3ome people do it to be (unny
3ome people do it (or the money
3ome people do it (or ensla$ement
3ome people do it on the pa$ement
&ut
{T$ey dance t$roug$ t$e deserted streets. /e see t$e nig$t s!y brig$t
&it$ t&in!ling stars.(
FUARTET: We8re %onna do it anyhowB #nyhowB
We8re %onna do it anyhowB #nyhowB
We8re %onna do it -- no matter how the wind is blowin%
We8re %onna do it anyhowB #nyhowB
We8re %onna do it anyhowB #nyhowB
We8re %onna do it -- We !ust %otta keep %oin%
3ome people do it (or each other {Brad and +anet smile(
3ome people do it (or their lo$ers {everyone smiles(
3ome people do it (or impro$ement {)liver smiles(
3ome people do it (or the mo$ement {Betty smiles(
3ome people do it (or en!oyment
3ome people do it (or employment
&ut
{*eople o 0enton $ave moved--mass baptism style--into t$e pool. Some
&ear strait ,ac!ets. Farley presides. #any seem to be dro&ning. Some
$old bac!. Ric!y- 5nsalong- Clis$ and )scar s$a!e t$eir $eads and
retreat.(
DENTON CHORUS:
'entonB 'entonB -ou8$e %ot no pretentionB
-ou8re where the heart isB -ou8re okayB
'entonB 'entonB ;8d !ust like to mention
-ou8re the acceptable (ace o( the human race
-ou8re 'entonB 'entonB ...'enton. ?3#.
{T$e 'uartet are superimposed over t$e pool image marc$ing brig$t-eyed
into t$e camera. T$ey loo! &onderul.(
FUARTET: We8re %onna do it -- no matter how the wind is blowin%
We8re %onna do it anyhowB #nyhowB
We8re %onna do it -- We !ust %otta keep %oin%.
{T$e 'uartet are ,oined by Ric!y- 5nsalong- )scar and Clis$ -- li!e a
band o outsiders. #ean&$ile t$e %eisure Center lig$ts up in neon
lig$ts li!e a giant ast ood c$ainstore...5ll t$e &indo&s are
barred...S$ado&s o people move inside...Security guards patrol...T$e
sign reads"
F5R%8? F%5V)RS F5B;%);S
D082T)2V5%8 S525T)RI;#D
C)5ST T) C)5ST -- S52IT? 520 V52IT?
0IR" 0r. 8.V. Scott 1Vienna3 #52" R. .aps$att
"IT 5%% ST5RT80 .8R8"(
OUTSIDERS: We8re %onna do it -- We !ust %otta keep %oin%.
--4+2 20'--
"SHOCK TREATMENT"
Screenplay
by
Richard O'Brien and Jim Sharman
Book and yric!
by
Richard O'Brien
M"!ic
by
Richard Har#ley and Richard O'Brien
/opyri%ht AJE7 (c) #ll Ri%hts Reser$ed
ichael White )td. A: 'uke 3treet
3t. James. )ondon 3WA- K'&. ?.1.
3+**4;0< 3/R;94
*ctober. AJE7
4+2 R*/1- +*RR*R 9;/4?R2 3+*W (eatured an ordinary
couple. &rad and Janet. innocent $ictims o( a (lat
tyre and a wet ni%ht. cau%ht in a biDarre +orror
o$ie ni%htmare.
3+*/1 4R2#4204 (eatures &rad and Janet. innocent
members o( a li$e 45 audience. drawn into a new
and e,ually biDarre ni%htmare o( 3oap *peras.
<ame 3hows and edia anipulation. 4he madness
accelerates until they don8t know where 4ele$ision
ends and reality be%ins.
/#34
F#R)2- F)#5*R3 # 3ponsor
&R#' #J*R3 # +ero
J#024 #J*R3 # +eroine
/*3* c1;0)2- # 'octor
0#4;*0 c1;0)2- # 'octor
J?'<2 *);52R WR;<+4 # )ocal 2Cpert
&244- +#93/+#44 # G'enton 'ossierG +ost
R#)9+ +#93/+#44 # GFaith FactoryG +ost
&2R4 3/+0;/1 # Garria%e aDeG +ost
022)- 9R;44 # 'ocumentary 9erson
#/- 34R?4+2R3 #n #mbitious 9erson
5#0/2 9#R12R # 3ecurity *((icer
+#RR- W2;33 # Father
2;)- W2;33 # other
R;/1- # 0urse
#03#)*0< # 0urse
*3/#R 'R;)) # 3in%er
&R20'# 'R;)) # 4eena%er
<);3+ '#5;3*0 # usician
'R?2R # usician
1;R1 ;')2 # /aterer
;RW;0 )#993- # /ar 3alesman
R3. 'R;)) #nother other
F)**R #0#<2R
W#R'R*&2
#12-?9
4+R22 3*)';2R3
4+R22 9#4R;*4;/ W;523
4+R22 R2'02/13
3/+**) 1;'3 ;0 /*2R/;#)
?3;/;#03 (6)
022)-83 /R2W (A)
'.4.5. /R2W (:)
#0'
4+2 #?';20/2
G3+*/1 4R2#4204G
F#'2 ;0
4+2 204;R2 F;) ;3 )*/#42' ;0 # 42)25;3;*0 34?';*.
SHOT OF MOON 1
/louds passin%.
5*;/2 *52R
*nce upon a time. ;n a town
not (ar (rom yours...
CLOSEUP D FARLEY'S FACE 2
wreathed in ci%ar smoke.
5*;/2 *52R
...there li$ed a real (ast %uy...
OVERTURE
';<;4#) 4;4)23 9R*/22' #/R*33 &*44* *F FR#2. /#2R# 9?))3
&#/1 *0 interior control room. F#R)2- sittin% in eCecuti$e
chair in (ront o( a wall o( monitors. ;#<23 *F 4;4)23
readin% G'.4.5..G G#RR;#<2 #L2.G G'204*05#)2.G
G+#99- +*23.G G'204*0 '*33;2R.G GF#;4+ F#/4*R-G ;02R392R32'
*0 *0;4*R3 W;4+ 3+*4 *F studio acti$ity. Farley is sittin%
at a table (lanked by 5#0/2 9#R12R standin% at attention.
4o his ri%ht are seated #/ and 0#4;*0. 4o his le(t R#)9+
and #/-. 'irectly opposite him. back to /#2R#. is
&2R4 3/+0;/1.
5*;/2 *52R
+is li(e was (ast. +is (riends
were (ast. 2$en his (ood was
(ast...
9arker mo$es to stairwell eCit.
5*;/2 *52R
&ut he was still not satis(ied...
9?)) &#/1 4* R252#) control room (acade. # billboard with
G'204*0. +*2 *F +#99;0233G in neon illuminates a
heart-shaped lo%o which closes on interior scene. 4he control
room and (acade are suspended o$er a studio-audience seatin%
block. 9arker appears on staircase and proceeds down aisle
to consult with F)**R #0#<2R and crew. Floor ana%er mo$es
across to dressin% rooms ad!acent to seatin%. +e knocks on
doors then proceeds down spiral staircase.
5*;/2 *52R
+e wanted to share his (ast
philosophy with someone else...
Floor ana%er crosses behind the studio setup (or openin%
son% with %iant +ollywood-epic letters spellin% G'-2-0-4-*-0.G
5*;/2 *52R
...a beauti(ul %irl.
Floor ana%er proceeds to 9arker now positioned by studio door
5*;/2 *52R
4rouble was...she was in the
arms o( someone else...
ANGLE ON STUDIO DOORS "
4hey slide back to re$eal awaitin% #?';20/2 under a ni%htscape
o( moon and clouds. ';<;4#) 4;4)23 /*04;0?2 #/R*33 &*44*
*F FR#2 as #udience proceed towards seatin% block passin%
/#2R# in twos and threes. starin% ;04* )203 like passersby
$iewin% themsel$es in shop-window $ideo displays. #s o$erture
continues we 9;/1 ?9 *0 $arious elements o( studio preparation
-- wardrobe racks bein% wheeled. cameras settin% up shots.
artists readyin% themsel$es. li%htin% ad!ustments etc. #s
o$erture concludes #udience ha$e settled and /#2R# +#3
);<+42' *0 title card readin% G'.4.5. - /*?0;4-
#00*?0/2204.G
DENTON U.S.A. #
+;<+ #0<)2 *F G'-2-0-4-*-0G letters a%ainst cyc. /R#02 '*W0
4* /)*32?9 o( 022)- 9R;44 in (.%.
022)-
-*?8)) F;0' +#99- +2#R43
#0' 3;);0< F#/23
#0' 4*)2R#0/2 F*R
4+2 24+0;/ R#/23
;0 '204*0
3+*4 *F G'-2G letters. /?4. * appears in G'G at sewin%
machine. '#' appears clippin% hed%e in G2.G
'#'
-*?8)) F;0' # R#&);0< R*32
#0' # 9;/124 F20/2
*
420'2R0233 #0' ;00*/20/2
;0 '204*0M
3+*4 *F G0G and G4G with *((icer 9arker in G0.G
9#R12R
-*?8)) F;0' /*0F2R20/2 R**3
#0' # /+;)'R2083 9)#-<R*?0'
'204*0 ;3 # R2#) *1#- 4*W0
/;5;/ 9R;'2 #0' /;5;/ '?4-
#0' '204*0 <;R)3 #R2
)etter G4G produces 4W* /+22R)2#'2R3. 9arker whistles.
9#R12R
F?)) *F &2#?4-.
/+22R)2#'2R3
-*? #- /#)) ?3 4+2 <**'- <**'-
4W* 3+*23
&?4 W28R2 +2R2 4* /+22R -*? W;4+
4+2 <**' 02W3
4+#4 '-2-0-4-*-0
<243 4-2-0
4+#483 420 *?4 *F 420
3+*4 *F letters G*G and G0G containin% Ralph and acy. Ralph
is phonin% (rom G*G while acy relaCes on G0.G
R#)9+ #0' #/-
;F -*?8R2 )**1;0< F*R # );F2 *F )2;3?R2
-*?8R2 <*00# <24 # W+*)2 )*4 *F 9)2#3?R2
#<#;0 #0' #<#;0 #0' #<#;0 #0' #<#;0
#0' #<#;0
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 1
4hey are starin% at monitors suspended abo$e and 3;0<;0<
in unison.
#?';20/2
'204*0 '204*0...-*?852 <*4 0* 9R24204;*0
-*?8R2 W+2R2 4+2 +2#R4 ;3...-*?8R2 *1#-
'204*0 '204*0...;8' J?34 );12 4* 204;*0
-*?8R2 4+2 +*2 *F -*?4+
-*?8R2 #2R;/#83 4R?4+
/#2R# /R#023 4* billboard (acade.
#?';20/2
-*?8R2 '204*0 '204*0 ?.3.#.
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 6
interspersed with"
FUICK SHOTS ON PERCUSSIVE BEAT 9
#. '#'
clippin% and smilin%.
&. *
sewin% and smilin%.
/. /+22R)2#'2R3
smilin%.
'. R#)9+
phonin% and smilin%.
2. #/-
relaCin% and smilin%.
#?';20/2
'204*0 '204*0...-*?852 <*4 0* 9R24204;*0
-*?8R2 W+2R2 4+2 +2#R4 ;3...-*?8R2 *1#-
'204*0 '204*0...;8' J?34 );12 4* 204;*0
-*?8R2 4+2 +*2 *F -*?4+
-*?8R2 #2R;/#83 4R?4+
-*?8R2 '204*0 '204*0 ?.3.#.
*n repeat chorus #udience rises (rom their seats in patriotic
(er$our. 3+*43 *F indi$idual %roups accelerate in /?44;0< 4*
conclude on repetition o( /R#02 *0 G'entonG billboard.
#?';20/2
'204*0B '204*0B -*?852 <*4 0* 9R24204;*0
-*?8R2 W+2R2 4+2 +2#R4 ;3B -*?8R2 *1#-B
'204*0B '204*0B ;8' J?34 );12 4* 204;*0
-*?8R2 4+2 #//294#&)2 F#/2 *F 4+2 +?#0 R#/2
-*?8R2 '204*0B '204*0B...
'204*0B ?B3B#B
ANGLE ON 4DENTON DOSSIER4 SET ;
4he words G'204*0 '*33;2RG appear. /R#02 '*W0 set 4* R252#)
the compere &244- +#93/+#44. 'urin% the (ollowin% dialo%ue
9?)) &#/1 4* R252#) &etty seated behind G'enton 'ossierG desk
with her %uest -- J?'<2 *)52R WR;<+4. &oth ha$e prominent
nameplates on the desk.
&244-
Well how about that@ Wasn8t that
terri(ic@ # community anthem
brou%ht to you by our new sponsor
Farley Fla$ors whose new pro%ram
8Faith Factory8 premieres on this
channel tomorrow ni%ht. ;. (or
one. can8t waitB 0ow let8s turn
to our re%ular in-depth discussion
with Jud%e *li$er Wri%ht. 'enton8s
leadin% social scientist.
&244- (/ont.)
(addresses him)
'id you en!oy our anthem
Jud%e Wri%ht@
*);52R
;n a way...
&244-
; detect a note o( reticence.
#re you. perhaps. one o( those
amon%st us who (eel this
emoti$e (orm o( presentation
is o$erly manipulati$e@
*);52R
Well. &etty. there are many
ways that the spider may catch
the (ly...
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 1<
0eely 9ritt is documentin% their response. 3he breaks o((
to talk to two old (riends -- &R#' and J#024 #J*R3. Rest
o( the #udience stare blankly at monitors.
*);52R
($oice o$er)
onetary inducements.
022)-
+i &radB +i JanetB /ome (or
the arria%e aDe@
*);52R
($oice o$er)
3eduction.
&rad and Janet nod.
022)-
;8m eChausted workin% on this
documentary about Farley8s new
show.
Janet looks puDDled. 0eely eCplains"
022)-
Farley Fla$orsB *ur new
sponsor.
(makes GhotG
%esture)
WheeewB
*);52R
($oice o$er)
9re!udice.
022)-
(con(idin%)
; tell you. Janet. that %uy8s
as close as we8ll come to a
success(ul man in this town.
&rad looks uncom(ortable.
*);52R
($oice o$er)
)iesB
Janet smiles eni%matically.
COMMERCIAL FOR FARLEY FLAVORS FABULOUS FAST FOOD 11
Red. white and blue lo%o (or Farley Fla$ors surroundin%
blackboard. 1;'3 and 4eacher (played by acy).
42#/+2R
)et8s hear the (i$e 8F8s8 (or
today. F (or...
1;'3
FarleyB
42#/+2R
F (or...
1;'3
Fla$orsB
42#/+2R
F (or...
1;'3
FabulousB
42#/+2R
F (or...
1;'3
FastB
42#/+2R
F (or...
1;'3
FoodsB
/heers. hysteria etc. 1ids run to blackboard as /#2R# 4;)43
'*W0 *0 lo%o.
5*;/2 *52R
First and (oremost Farley Fla$ors
Fabulous Fast Foods (eed and
(orti(y (amilies (or a (abulous
(utureB
)o%o spins (*94;/#)).
ANGLE ON 4MARRIAGE MAZE4 SET 12
*li$er and &etty crossin% studio (rom G'enton 'ossierG set.
;n the b.%. preparations are underway (or the Garria%e aDe.G
#cti$ity and Floor ana%er banter. (G+urry it up. &ert8s
entrance will be on camera two. etc.G)
&244-
4hank you so much. Jud%e Wri%ht.
(or another wonder(ul inter$iew.
*);52R
Jud%e Wri%ht@ 0ow. &etty@
First name terms. surelyB
&244-
(charmed)
*h. *li$er. you8re so tolerant.
4ime (or a co((ee be(ore you
rush o((@
*);52R
'eli%hted. &etty -- 4hat is i(
you don8t mind bein% seen with
an older man.
&244-
Why. *li$er. since Ralph and ;
separated maturity is somethin%
; look (or in a man.
0eely appears.
022)-
(enthused)
+i. &ettyB
&244-
(less enthused)
+ello. 0eely.
022)-
-ou keep up that hi%h standard
o( inter$iew and ;8ll ha$e to
include you in Farley8s
documentary. -ou were so...
probin%B
0eely passes on -- &etty %rits her teeth --
*);52R
# (ree thinker.
&244-
2$erythin%8s (ree there.
F)**R #0#<2R
3tand by -- Fuiet please --
/ue intro -- /ue &ert -- three
seconds --
We heard a drum roll.
5*;/2 *52R
#nd here. to brin% you your !ust
desserts and a recipe (or a
per(ect marria%e. is that
%or%eous %ourmet. tossin% the
uproarious salad o( li(e.
counselor &ert 3chnickB
#pplause. Fan(are. &ert appears with sun%lasses and a cane.
+e8s blind. 4he Garria%e aDeG has three entrances.
G+appy +ome.G G+ome &ase.G GRest +ome.G ;n (ront is a
contestant podium with central placement (or &ert and. either
side. seats marked G+imG and G+er.G
&2R4
3ank you -- 5elcome -- 3ank
youB &e(ore $e shstart ; $ant
to say $un or two $urds aboud
tomorrow ni%ht8s bi% new show
8Faith Factory8 -- unt -- oh
yah -- we he( De host unt hiss
lo(ley co-host ri%ht here in De
audience -- %i(( a bick hend
-- to Ralph +epshett unt De
$i$acious aDy 3truthers --
)et8s %et a camera o$er Dere --
We 322 Ralph and acy in the #udience. 4hey hal(-stand and
wa$e sel(-consciously. (+ere we discontinue phonetics in &ert8s
accent.)
&2R4
)o$ed the commercial. acyB
#/-
4hanks. &ertB
&2R4
-ou %ot a %ood show (or us
tomorrow. Ralph@
R#)9+
-ou bet. &ert.
&2R4
<oodB ;8m %onna be there.
&etty shoots a !ealous look at her eC-husband Ralph.
&244-
acy 3truthers -- <od ; must
ha$e been blind -- still. the
weaker the man. the dumber the
blonde.
*);52R
;sn8t that &rad and Janet a!ors
sittin% down (ront@ What an
ideal couple.
We 322 &rad and Janet sittin% to%ether.
*);52R
($oice o$er)
ore than anyone else in 'enton
they represent the old $alues.
/?4 &#/1 4* *li$er and &etty.
*);52R
(not without irony)
2isenhower would ha$e been
proud o( them.
/?4 4* &ert who seems to be recei$in% instructions (rom a
small earplu%.
&2R4
3o would the (irst couple who
seem to ha$e made a hash o(
their marria%e and cooked their
%oose step this way please.
+e points to a surprised &rad and Janet.
J#024
4hat8s us.
&R#'
; don8t want to %et up there.
J#024
We8$e %ot to. &rad. e$eryone8s
watchin%.
&2R4
What8s cookin% down there@
/ome up here and let8s (eel youB
;ndul%ent lau%hter at GblindG !oke.
/?4 4* *li$er and &etty who re%ister astonishment.
/?4 4* &rad and Janet takin% their G+imG and G+erG places.
&2R4
4hat8s it -- )ook at the camera --
INT. CONTROL ROOM 1
Farley8s chair swi$elled to (ace monitors. # W#)) o( &rad
and Janet ;#<23.
&2R4
($oice o$er)
;ntroduce yoursel$es.
J#024
($oice o$er)
;8m Janet a!ors and this is
my husband &rad.
Farley 3W;52)3 ;04* /)*32?9.
4MARRIAGE MAZE4 1"
&2R4
We8$e been hearin% some bad
thin%s about you. &rad.
J#024
+e needs help.
/?4 4* a concerned *li$er and &etty.
&2R4
($oice o$er)
Face it. JanetB &rad8s an
emotional cripple.
#udience roar with lau%hter.
J#024
; know. ; know. it8s !ust...
&2R4
)ooks like 8Rest +ome8 (or this
marria%e.
3+*4 *F GR234 +*2G li%hts (lickerin%. #pplause.
&2R4
'o you watch 8'enton$ale.8
Janet@
J#024
;8$e cau%ht it once or twice.
&2R4
*( courseB '.4.5.8s most popular
+ospital series (eaturin% those
perennial (a$orites. /osmo and
0ation c1inley.
0euro-specialists par eCcellence
...i( you8ll pardon my French.
; recommend you send &rad to
them (or treatmentB
*li$er and &etty can8t belie$e it.
J#024
; know he8s borin% but...
0euro-specialistsB 4hat sounds
pretty drastic.
&2R4
;t8s no use pussy(ootin% around.
Janet -- we ha$e to cut ,uick
and deep.
*);52R
(as i( he has
heard the name
be(ore)
c1inley@...c1inley@
&244-
&ert brou%ht them o$er (rom
2urope. 4hey had a $ery
popular series to%ether. ;t8s
still rerun in a lot o(
countries. -ou must ha$e seen
them in 8'enton$ale@8
*);52R
0e$er watch it.
&2R4
4here8s no use delayin% another
moment.
Floor ana%er holds a card. readin% G'204*05#)2.G up to cue
#udience.
&2R4
;8m a(raid there8s only one
solution. 4ell them. Folks.
*ne. two. three...
#?';20/2
(shout)
'204*05#)2BBB
&2R4
(to camera)
'on8t %o away. We8ll be ri%ht
back to see i( &rad and Janet
want to play or pass...
3hocked look (rom &etty. *li$er %lances suspiciously towards
control room.
BILLBOARD 1#
3+#'*W o( Farley on heart.
INT. 4MARRIAGE MAZE4 SET 11
/ommercial break. 4echnicians make ad!ustments. &ert pats
Janet8s shoulder.
&2R4
/on%ratulationsB ; think your8re
makin% a wise decision.
&ert mo$es o.s.
J#024
&ut...
+e8s %one.
&R#'
;8m not %oin%. Janet.
J#024
(trapped)
What are you tryin% to do@ ake
&ert look like a (ool@ +e8s made all
the arran%ements.
&R#'
&ut ; don8t need treadment.
&rad knocks o$er &ert8s water !u%.
&2R4
(o.s.)
-ou need %lasses. &radB
)au%hter.
J#024
((urious)
;8m sick o( bein% humiliated
by youB &ert8s ri%htB -ou8re
%oin%B
Floor ana%er wheels in monitor runnin% commercial.
4BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN4 16
4he commercial F2#4?R23 product 3+*43.
#. +#0'
presses button on blender. ;t blends.
&. +#0'
takes toast (rom pop-up toaster.
/. +#0'
opens re(ri%erator %roanin% with (ood.
'. +#0'
takes kni(e (rom drawer and sharpens blade.
2. F**4
pedals trash can.
F. 92R/*)#4*R
bubbles.
<. ';<;4#) /)*/1 R#';*
computes.
+. +#0'
opens shower curtain on steam.
;. +#0'
s,ueeDes toothpaste.
J. +#0'
runs silk scar( down le%.
ANGLE ON CONTESTANTS' AREA 19
&rad and Janet stare at monitor with %laDed eCpressions.
4his ;042R/?43 W;4+ monitor 3+*43.
&R#'
'2#R &)20'2R@ *+ W*084 -*? +2)9
# F;R34 *FF20'2R
*+ 4*#342R@ '*084 -*? 9?4 4+2
&?R0 *0 2...
R2-FR;<2-2R#4*R W+- #R2 W2
#)W#-3 3**02R *R )#42R
&;4/+;08 ;0 4+2 1;4/+20 *R /R-;0<
;0 4+2 &2'R** #)) 0;<+4.
'2#R 10;F2 'R#W2R. W*084 -*?
+2)9 2 4* F#/2 );F2 *R2...
*+ 4R#3+ /#0. '*084 -*? 9?4 4+2
';R4 *0 2
*+ 92R/-*-)#4*R W+- #R2 W2 #)W#-3
3**02R *R )#42R...
&;4/+;08 ;0 4+2 1;4/+20 *R /R-;0<
;0 4+2 &2'R** #) 0;<+4.
'.4.5. /#2R# W;923 FR#2 as we 9#0 4* Janet.
J#024
252R-4+;0< ?32' 4* &2 *1#-
&?4 ;852 &220 +#'
#0' &R#' ;8 <)#' 4* 3#-
;3 *0 +;3 W#-.
;/R*-';<;4#) #W#12R
W+- #R2 W2 #)W#-3 3**02R *R
)#42R
&;4/+;08 ;0 4+2 1;4/+20 *R
/R-;0< ;0 4+2 &2'R** #)) 0;<+4.
3+*W2R /?R4#;0
W*084 -*? +2)9 2 4* &2 /2R4#;0
*+ 4**4+9#342
'*084 -*? 9?4 4+2 3F?22L2 *0 2
'2-9;)-#-4#4*R
W+- #R2 W2 #)W#-3 3**02R *R
)#42R
&;4/+;08 ;0 4+2 1;4/+20 *R
/R-;0< ;0 4+ &2'R** #)) 0;<+4.
ANGLE ON 4MARRIAGE MAZE4 ENTRANCE 1;
&ert stands by GR234 +*2.G # ale 0urse (R;/1-) appears
with wheelchair.
&2R4
+ey. FolksB ;t8s Ricky (rom
the Rest +ome.
#pplause.
&2R4
What do you say. Ricky@
Ricky wheels to &rad and Janet.
R;/1-
(bri%htly)
;8$e come (or r. a!ors.
a8am.
Janet helps &rad to chair.
R;/1-
0othin% serious ; hope@
J#024
0o. Just a routine checkup.
&2R4
(to #udience)
Just a routine checkup.
FolksB
)au%hter (rom #udience.
Janet turns to /#2R#.
J#024
42)) 2. 392/4#4*R
W+- #R2 W2 #)W#-3 3**02R
*R )#42R
&;4/+;08 ;0 4+2 1;4/+20 *R
/R-;0< ;0 4+2 &2'R** #)) 0;<+4.
Wheelchair ';3#992#R3 down GR234 +*2G #$enue. #udience
applaud. /#2R# /R#023 ?9 4* 3+#'*W *F Farley behind
billboard heart. &ert is o.s. with headset.
&2R4
4he sub!ect is committed. #s
are we all.
TITLE D 4DENTONVALE4 2<
5*;/2 *52R
4his week8s special %uests
are &rad and Janet a!ors in
toni%ht8s episode.
84he #rri$al.8
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 OFFICE 21
White Room. ac and 0ation behind twin desk. Filin%
cabinets encircle them. 'ouble doors opposite them (ly open
and Janet. Ricky and &rad enter. /osmo (ac) c1inley rises
to %reet them.
#/
#h. r. #nd rs. a!ors. +ow
wonder(ul to see you. ; am
'r. /osmo c1inley and this is
my sister. and collea%ue.
0ation c1inley.
0#4;*0
We understand you8$e been %oin%
throu%h a rather tryin% time.
J#024
Well yes. but...
&rad leaps out o( wheelchair.
&R#'
)istenB 4here8s nothin% wron%
with me... ;t8s !ust that Janet
and ; ha$en8t...
Ricky hypos him -- as he drops. he kicks the wheelchair under
him.
#/
(to Janet)
'oes he do that o(ten@
3tunned. she doesn8t know Ricky hit him with the hypo.
J#024
0oB +e8s ne$er done that be(ore.
#/
<oodB Well there8s still hope.
)ots o( hope.
Ricky strai%htens &rad in wheelchair.
0#4;*0
(so(tly)
;( anyone can help &rad. We can.
ac nods to Ricky who lea$es.
J#024
Well. he needs help.
0?R32 #03#)*0< runs in -- collidin% with the departin% Ricky.
#/
#h. 0urse #nsalon% - you8re
here.
Ricky continues on his way.
#03#)*0<
(ad!ustin% uni(orm)
Well it was pretty short notice
but ;...
0#4;*0
#4420' to r. a!ors. 0urse.
#nsalon% ad!usts wheelchair and hersel(.
#/
4here are !ust one or two
(ormalities that ha$e to be
dealt with. rs. a!ors.
4here are contracts to be si%ned...
&ut #nsalon% has started to wheel &rad away -- Janet wants to
(ollow. 0ation %rabs the contract and %lances at it.
J#024
/ould ; do that later@
0#4;*0
*( course.
Janet (ollows &rad -- ac %rabs the contract back and chases
a(ter them.
INT. CORRIDORS 22
#nsalon% wheels &rad. Janet keeps up. ac appears behind
them.
#03#)*0<
(sotto $oce)
3i%n the contract tomorrow...
ac catches up.
#/
(with papers)
Just one or two details. 'oes
he ha$e any li$in% relati$es@
&lood relati$es@
J#024
0o...couldn8t ; do this later@
0ation catches up with them.
0#4;*0
*( course.
0ation restrains ac. #nsalon% continues with &rad in
wheelchair and Janet tryin% to keep up.
J#024
(to #nsalon%)
Why did you tell me not to si%n
now@
4he wheelchair is pushed throu%h double doors at the end o(
the corridor. Janet (ollows. /#2R# 4;)43 ?9 4* neon abo$e
door readin% G42R;0#) W#R'.G
#03#)*0<
(distant $oice)
Well this way. you %et the (irst
day (ree.
4MARRIAGE MAZE4 2
Janet8s parents in G+imG and G+erG places. &ert in (ull swin%.
*
#bout &rad8s (amily@
&2R4
#s Janet8s parents this should be
really easy. -our last clue...
ental ;nstability. -ou ha$e
thirty seconds.
'i%ital timer 3?92R;9*32'.
'#'
(puDDlin%)
ental instability@
*
+e was adopted you know.
'#'
;8d (or%otten.
*
Well ; hadn8t. ; was worried
about inherited craDiness when
they married. ; said to Janet
8What do we know o( his parents@8
&2R4
Which leads us to...@
#udience tense. 3econds click. 'ad shakes head.
*
;n(antile re%ression@
&ells rin%. Wild applause.
&2R4
-ou %ot itB
*
; %ot itB ; %ot itBBB
&2R4
/on%ratulationsB ;t8s 8+appy +omes8
(or +arry and 2mily Weiss o(
'enton.
Janet8s om dissol$es into tears as they are led down
G+appy +omesG a$enue.
INT. CONTROL ROOM 2"
Farley watchin% ;#<23 o( &rad8s ward on monitors.
INT. TERMINAL WARD D 4IN MY OWN WAY4 2#
&rad8s wheelchair is parked in a circular ca%e. Janet circles
around it.
J#024
;F *0)- -*? 102W
+*W 4* W;0 3*2 9R;L23
;F *0)- -*? 102W -- +*W 4* 9)#-
;F -*? /*?)' 3)229 0;<+43
#0' 34*9 -*?R /R-;0<
-*? ;<+4 F;0' *?4 ; 34;)) )*52 -*?
;0 - *W0 W#-
INT. CORRIDORS 21
Janet lea$es ward. 9roceeds around corridors until she reaches
G+*2 &#32.G
J#024
;F 4+#483 0*4 20*?<+ 4+20 ;8
3* 3*RR- ; 24 -*?
;4 W#3 #)*34 );12 )2#';0< -*? *0
&?4 4+2R283 *R2 4* ;4 #))
4+20 J?34 WR;0<;0< -*?R +2#R4 *?4
*52R 3*224+;0< 4+#4 12293 *0 <*;0< WR*0<
3* '*084 42)) 2 -*? )*52 2
+*W # ; 3?99*32' 4* 10*W W+#4 4+#4 2#03
Janet has arri$ed at G'2#' 20'.G
J#024
0* '*084 32)) 2*4;*0
-*? /#084 &?- '25*4;*0
W+20 -*?8R2 F#));0< #9#R4 #4 4+2 32#3
Janet turns around and continues her !ourney. returnin% alon%
G+ome &aseG and turnin% down G+appy +omesG.
J#024
; +*92 4+#4 -*?8)) 3;)2
W+20 -*? R2#/+ -*?R /*0/)?3;*0
; +*92 4+#4 -*?8)) 10*W J?34 W+#4 4* 3#-
&?4 ;F ;4 3+*?)' 2#0 4+#4 4+2 9#R4- ;3 *52R
-*? 3+*?)' 10*W 4+#4 ; 34;)) )5*2 -*?
-*? 3+*?)' 10*W 4+#4 ; 34)) )*52 -*?
;0 - *W0 W#-
Janet has arri$ed at a door endin% the corridor. om appears
throu%h door holdin% (behind her back) a dress.
*
*h my poor baby.
J#024
*h. om. ;t8s &rad.
*
; know.
4hey hu%. om only usin% one arm.
*
; know baby. +e8s %oin% to %et
all the help he needs but in
the meantime -- )ookBBB For you.
3he pulls out the dress and sa$a%ely bites o(( a piece o(
cotton a(ter which she thrusts the dress towards Janet. +oldin%
it by the shoulders. she lets it drop and we 322 it8s a replica
o( the one she hersel( is wearin% -- a red /hinese G/heon% 3am.G
*
4hey call it a new look at an
old (a$ourite ; copied it (rom the
8Window on the World8 show. 4he
Far 2ast meets the id-WestB
J#024
;t8s...
*
Just what the 'octor ordered. ;
know. /ome on in. my (a$ourite
show8s !ust started.
J#024
(con(used)
What show@
om dra%s Janet inside.
*
8'enton$ale.8
'oor shuts.
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 OFFICE 26
/osmo (ac) is (ilin%. 0ation behind desk is $iewin% a
tele$ision set placed on a hospital trolley. &ert is in the
%uest chair. 0ation is $iewin% Janet8s om on Garria%e aDe.G
*
($oice o$er)
;n(antile re%ression.
&2R4
($oice o$er)
-ou %ot itB
*
; %ot itB ; %ot itBBB
0ation switches o(( tele$ision.
0#4;*0
*ur speciality.
#/
; can8t wait to be%in on him.
Really. &ert. ; don8t know what
we8d do without youB
&2R4
Well ; con(ess the decision to
ha$e &rad committed was not
strictly my own.
0ation looks secreti$e.
#/
*( course. rs. a!ors -- Janet --
&ut ;8m puDDled. ;( she was so
keen on %ettin% him in here. why
wouldn8t she si%n the contract@
&2R4
0o it wasn8t Janet -- eCactly --
;t was. in (act. your new sponsor.
#/
39*03*RBBB
&2R4
'enton$ale has been sold.
#/
3*)'@@BB
0#4;*0
'ear old &ert8s settled e$erythin%.
&2R4
Jah -- you endorse his product --
+e endorses your research.
#/
+2BB@@ +ow dare this person take
ad$anta%e o( my weakness.
0#4;*0
(with a secret
smile)
; don8t think he intends to %o
that (ar.
TITLE D 4HAPPY HOMES4 29
TV IMAGE D BOILING JUG 2;
ANGLE ON 4HAPPY HOMES4 SET <
'ream kitchen. 'ad practices %ol( with a G9utter.G Janet look
depressed in her. now inappropriate. dress. om boils a !u%.
3/202 &2<;03 W;4+ 45 ;#<2 *F boilin% !u%. We 9?)) &#/1 as
om echoes action. 3he makes co((ee. 4hrou%hout a 5*;/2 *52R
(rom 45 (ac and 0ation8s $oices) plays #<#;034 the 3/202.
om appraises Janet in the dress.
J#024
9oor &rad.
*
4hank <od he was born an orphan.
;t would ha$e killed his parents.
45
($oice o$er)
84+#01 <**'02338
*
#nd thank %oodness he hasn8t
ended up like the 3lepstrini boy.
'#'
What are you talkin% about@
'anny 3lepstrini is a chip o((
the old block. ; played AE holes
o( %ol( with his (ather !ust
last week. #nd +ank says 'anny8s
mo$ed to 0ew -ork.
(pause)
4o better himsel(.
*
+e mo$ed all ri%htB When they (ound
him with (i(teen other naked men
at the back o( Wilson8s &akery.
'ad8s mouth starts openin% and closin%.
J#024
(,uietly)
eCicans.
'ad makes (or the door.
'#'
;8m %oin% to catch up on a (ew
!obs that need doin% outside.
+e lea$es. &lushin% scarlet.
*
(to Janet)
-ou shouldn8t ha$e said that.
J#024
Why@
*
-our (ather doesn8t like eCicans.
THANK GOD I'M A MAN 1
'ream %ara%e and lawn. <ara%e door tilts up. 'ad re$s mower
and proceeds to mow down a strip o( lawn lined by columns
trimmed in i$y.
'#'
# #0 3+*?)' /#)) 4+2 4*33...W2#R 4+2 9#043 #0'
&2 4+2 &*33
# #0 3+*?)' &2 4+2 'R#12 F*R +;3 *W0 '#02' 3#12...
#0' 20 3+*?)' &2 4+2 ;342R3 #0' #342R3 *F 4+2;R
3;342R3
#0' 20 3+*?)' &2 4+2 R2#3*0 F*R # +2#R4 4* &R2#1
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 2
# trio o( R2'02/13 leap and whoop.
ANGLE ON LAWN
'ad continues mowin%.
'#'
# #0 3+*?)' /?4 4+2 )#W0.../+#0<2 # 4-R2...
20' 4+2 W*R0
# #0 3+*?)' 0252R W#;4 4* *;) # R?34;0< <#42
20 3+*?)' +*)' 4+2 12- 9*3;4;*03 ;0 *?R /*?04R-83
<R2#4 4R#';4;*03
# #0 3+*?)' 9?4 4+2 F**' ?9*0 4+2 F#;)- 9)#42.
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE "
# 4R;* *F 3*)';2R3.
3*)';2R3
3* &2 *R#)
'*084 F?#RR2)
F#;R #0' 3F?#R2 ;3 &234
# 4R;* *F 9#R4R;*4;/ W;523.
W;523
)24 2 #)2R4 -*?
4+#4 5;R4?2
W*084 +?R4 -*?
*R '232R4 -*?
R2'02/13
;F -*? W2#R +#;R *0 -*?R /+234.
#?';20/2
3* #)W#-3 R22&2R 4* F*))*W 4+2 R?)23
3*)';2R3
&*I /)252R
R2'02/13
#0' J*/13 0252R
ANGLE ON DREAM LAWN #
'#'
+ock another !ock8s tools...
'ad %i$es mower another re$ and starts mowin% around columns
at an increasin% pace.
'#'
# #0 3+*?)' W#I # /#R...F;I # F?32 #0' 420' # &#R
# #0 3+*?)' );12 +;3 &R*W 4* &2 W24 W;4+ 3W2#4...
20 3+*?)' 10*W 4+2 R;<+4 *//#3;*03 4* ;0'?)<2 ;0
4#I 25#3;*03
# #0 3+*?)' 10*W 4+2 3244;0<3 4+#4 +;3 39#R1;0<
9)?<3 <24...
(arri$es back in
%ara%e -- eChausted)
F#<<*43 #R2 #<<*43
(mops brow)
4+#01 <*' ;8 # #0
'oor tilts closed.
ANGLE ON WARDROBE AREA 1
5ance %ets co((ee (rom caterin% trolley run by 1irk ;dle.
/rosses studio to maDe entrance !ust as Janet is rushin% (rom
G+appy +omeG to GRest +ome.G
9#R12R
+eyB What are you tryin% to
do@ <et yoursel( committed@
J#024
;8m sorry. *((icer.
9#R12R
(looks both ways)
5anceB 5ance 9arker.
J#024
Janet. Janet a!ors. ;t8s !ust
that &rad...my husband...is not...
$ery well and...
(tears)
; don8t want to miss the neCt
episode o( 'enton$ale.
9#R12R
'enton$ale...say. that8s (or...
(%oes to tap head.
turns in into a
scratch)
;8m sorry to hear that. Janet.
(secretly pleased
but can8t show it)
)ook ;8m %oin% to let you throu%h.
but keep it to yoursel(.
otherwise...
J#024
4hanks *((icer 9ark...5ance.
9#R12R
'on8t worry. Janet. &rad8ll
probably %et !ust what he needs.
Janet proceeds. 5ance returns to his co((ee but is intercepted
by Ralph +apschatt. 5ance passes en$elope to Ralph in a
(urti$e manner.
INT. 4DENTON DOSSIER4 OFFICE 6
#d!acent to their set *li$er and &etty work in an o((ice
o$erlookin% the studio (loor. 4hey are in deep discussion as
they drink their co((ee.
&244-
/onspiracy@ 4hat sounds a little
(ar(etched.
*);52R
;t8s happened be(ore. Remember
)ieutenant *rpheus@ +e
disappeared into that ?nderworld
series and ne$er came back.
&244-
3ounds like my husband. +e ne$er
came back either. #t least not
a(ter Fla$ors %a$e him a commercial
break.
*);52R
#h yes. Farley Fla$ors. -ou know.
; (ind it...
Ralph is seen approachin% throu%h %lass door.
*);52R
...remarkable that his 8Faith Factory8
is bein% (inanced by an entire
nation8s indi%estion.
Ralph knocks. 2nters.
R#)9+
*h. #h. ;8m not callin% at an
incon$enient moment am ;@
&244-
(icy)
0ot at all. -ou ha$e your li(e.
(look to *li$er)
#nd ; ha$e mine.
R#)9+
-eah. well. +ere. &etty.
(hands en$elope)
; !ust came to %i$e you this.
&etty %rabs en$elope as acy appears by Ralph8s side.
R#)9+
; better %et %oin%. 4omorrow8s
the bi% one. and. well. Farley
eCpectsB
*);52R
(wry smile)
*( course.
&etty opens door.
R#)9+
(backin% out)
;8ll lea$e you youn% thin%s to it.
&244-
(whisper)
3ho$e it. RalphB
R#)9+
(hisses back)
-ou too. &ettyB
'oor slams. &etty tears open en$elope.
&244-
#limony is !ust another word
(or rapeB
3he stops on disco$erin% the contents. 4heir notice o(
dismissal.
&244-
/onspiracy is ri%ht. 4he
'enton 'ossier is...
*);52R
...closed@
&etty nods.
INT. CONTROL ROOM 9
Farley $iews monitors showin% &rad8s ca%e with #nsalon% (eedin%
him throu%h the bars.
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D DINING ROOM ;
ac and 0ation dinin% with their %uest &ert 3chnick. &ert
ban%s table.
&2R4
What a mealB ; insist on the
recipe.
#nsalon% arri$es to clear the table.
0#4;*0
/omin% (rom a %ourmet that8s
praise indeed. &ut. 0o
secretsB
Ricky enters with 45 4rolley.
#/
(sulkin%)
With Fast Food Farley at the
helm it8ll be 45 dinners
(rom now on.
&2R4
Farley is already a 45 winner
as we shall see. 'enton$ile
will run (ore$er now that his
interest has embraced mental
hy%iene.
0#4;*0
(to enthuse ac)
*ur (ield.
#/
What does he know about it@
&2R4
Who do you think %a$e you the
neCt episode@
3cotty presents script marked G4he &rad and Janet 3how.G
&2R4
3o that Janet would be (ree
to (ront line his 8Faith Factory.8
0ation peruses script.
#/
We8re the eCperts.
&2R4
Who trusts eCperts@
0#4;*0
+ow did you come by this
scenario@
&2R4
; am in Farley8s employ --
and...
(pause)
...we8re discussin% a network
deal.
0#4;*0
Why Janet@
&2R4
2$eryone lo$es the %irl neCt
door. particularly Farley.
0#4;*0
3o it seems.
TITLE D 4DENTONVALE4 "<
5*;/2 *52R
4oni%ht8s episode. 8Janet8s 'ilemmaG
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D DINING ROOM "1
Janet arri$es.
#/ #0' 0#4;*0
JanetBB
J#024
;8$e come to see &rad.
0#4;*0
4hat8s out o( the ,uestion. he8s
sleepin% like a baby.
We hear a distant scream. ac and 0ation commence a ,uick
interro%ation to unner$e Janet.
#/
;t8s you we8re concerned about.
Janet.
0#4;*0
-es how are you. Janet@ #re you
happy@
J#024
;8m...happy.
#/
4here are countless people in
this world who belie$e they8re
happy.
0#4;*0
&ut they only think they8re
happy.
J#024
(impatient)
4hat doesn8t make sense.
Ricky has switched on tele$ision.
&2R4
(indicatin% tele$ision)
4his mi%ht. Janet.
TV "2
5ideo (lickers to li(e with a %lamorous Go$ie 3tarG ima%e o(
F#R)2- F)#5*R3. 3ua$e in tuCedo. a carnation %listens in his
lapel. +e looks uncannily like a sophisticated (ast-talkin%
$ersion o( &rad.
F#R)2-
($oice o$er)
# &;< '204*0 W2)/*2 4* - 02W '2)2<#4;*0
4+;3 ;3 F#R)2- -- ;8 +2R2 W;4+ 4+2 3/*R2
W28R2 <*00#8 9#/1#<2 #0' 32)) 3*2 204#)
+2#)4+ 4* 4+2 0#4;*0
W;4+ - 'R2# *F 4+2 <;R) 02I4 '**R.
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D DINING ROOM "
Janet looks interested.
TV ""
Go$ie 3tarG ima%e animates into son%.
F#R)2-
(sin%s)
*+ W+- #R2084 4+2- '*;0< 4**RR*W83 02W '#0/2 3429
4+2- W#- 4+2- ?32' 4* -2342R'#-@
#08 W+* 'R#W3 4+2 92RF2/4 /;R/)2 #0-*R2@
;F -*?8R2 W#;4;0< F*R <R2#40233 4* 3+#12 +#0'3 W;4+
-*?
-*?8' &2442R '#-'R2# -*?R );F2 #W#-
;852 *0)- W#042' *02 4+;0< #0' 4+#483 F*R 3?R2.
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D DINING ROOM "#
#nsalon%. Ricky. ac and 0ation leap in (ront o( the screen.
F?#R424
-*?8R2 0*4 J?34 )**1;0< #4 # &;< &?/1 1;0<
J?34 #0*4+2R W2))-10*W0 F#/2
-*?8R2 0*4 )**1;0< #4 4+2 1;0< *F #0-4+;0<
F#R)2-
;8 <*00# 3+**4 F*R 4+2 **0
#0' 9)#- +;<+ 0**0
;8 <*00# 4#12 *0 4+2 204;R2 +?#0 R#/2
F?#R424
-*?8R2 0*4 )**1;0< #4 # 1;0<.
F#R)2-
-*?8R2 )**1;0< #4 #0 #/2.
TV "1
F#R)2-
**++ ; <*4 3;<+4 #08 ;852 3220 4+2 );<+4
#08 ;8 <*00# 322 4+2 /*;0< '#-
W+20 4+2 3?0 ;0 4+2 31- ;3 # 39*4);<+4 J?34 F*R 2
;8 <*00# 4#12 - 4;2 #08 R*/1 3*2 R+-2
4+#483 <*00# 4#12 -*?R &R2#4+ #W#-
;8)) &2 4+2 FR*04 9#<2 R#<2 *F 4+2 #<2 J?34 W#;4 #08
322
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D DINING ROOM "6
'urin% this we 322 Janet8s enthusiastic reactions. 4he
Fuartet repeat their back-up to Farley. &ert nods
appro$in%ly.
F#R)2- #0' F?#R424
-*?8R2 0*4 J?34 )**1;0< #4 # &;< &?/1 1;0<
J?34 #0*4+2R W2))-10*W0 F#/2
-*?8R2 0*4 )**1;0< #4 4+2 1;0< *F #0-4+;0<
F#R)2-
;8 <*00# 3+**4 F*R 4+2 **0
#0' 9)#- +;<+ 0**0
;8 <*00# 4#12 *0 4+2 204;R2 +?#0 R#/2
-*?8R2 0*4 )**1;0< #4 # 1;0<
-*?8R2 )**1;0< #4 #0 #/2.
TV "9
)ast line repeats as Farley seems to step *?4 *F 3/R220 and
take Janet in his arms endin% in a clinch that $anishes with
the last chord.
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D DINING ROOM ";
0#4;*0
(to Janet)
; lo$e home mo$ies. don8t you@
Janet is trans(iCed by the ima%e o( Farley.
TV #<
Final 5*;/2 *52R *52R Farley8s FR*L20 ;#<2.
F#R)2-
($oice o$er)
4;2 ;3 4;<+4 J#024
'* ;4 R;<+4 J#024
?04;) 4**RR*W 0;<+4. J#024.
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D DINING ROOM #1
Ricky switches o(( 45
J#024
; won8t be a party to this. ;
want to see &rad.
0#4;*0
4he ,uestion is. does &rad want
to see you@ Fuite (rankly. he
hates you.
J#024
(horri(ied)
What do you mean@
#/
(so(ter approach)
&rad has deep (eelin%s o(
hostility towards you.
J#024
e@
#/
;t8s classical. #lmost a teCtbook
case...
Janet cries.
#/
4hat8s an eCtremely ne%ati$e
response.
0#4;*0
-es. Janet. )ea$e the cryin%
to &rad.
J#024
(throu%h tears)
;s it because ;8m becomin%
too popular@
&2R4
*n the contrary. +e wants to see
your ratin%s soar. +e needs a
woman o( eCceptional desirability.
0#4;*0
3o you see. Janet. you can help us
to help him.
Janet8s look re$eals the persuasion is workin%.
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D BRAD'S CELL #2
&rad sits bewildered in his ca%e.
INT. 4DENTON DOSSIER4 D OFFICE #
*li$er assists &etty pack up.
&244-
; bet that acy 3truthers had a
hand in this. We8ll probably be
replaced by an hour o( (ashion tipsB
*);52R
0ow &etty. don8t o$erreact.
&244-
*$erreactB -ou8re the one with
theories about conspirac...
(looks thou%ht(ul. then pleased)
*li$er@
*);52R
-es. &etty.
&244-
#re you spoken (or this e$enin%@
*li$er looks non-plussed.
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D DINING ROOM #"
4hey ha$e their campai%n schedules with GF.F.G )o%os. 4hey
each ha$e Gpersonal attainmentsG sheets as well. 4hey try
to steal looks at each other8s sheets while !ealously
%uardin% their own. We <);932 ac8s sheet and 322
G4he )ook.G
&2R4
Ri%htB #n early start with Janet8s
debut on 8<ood ornin% 'enton.8
&y the time we un$eil Farley8s
8Faith Factory8 we will ha$e earned
our beauty sleep.
J#024
/an ; !ust 8peep in8 on &rad
be(ore ; %o home@
&2R4
+ome@
0#4;*0
4his is the ner$e center o(
operations. Janet. -ou must
stay here toni%ht.
(rin%s buDDer)
4hat way we can all be here when
r. 3un paints us a new day with
his %olden brush.
#/
#nd you can 8peep in8 on &rad in
the mornin%.
#nsalon% appears.
0#4;*0
#re all the beds made up@
#03#)*0<
-ep.
#/
4hen ha$e Ricky lock up (or the
ni%ht.
GANTRY OVERLOOKING 4DENTONVALE4 SET ##
*li$er and &etty sur$ey 'enton$ale below.
*);52R
/le$er o( you to (ind this spot.
&etty.
&244-
;t pays to know your way around.
*li$er.
4hey sur$ey the set below.
*);52R
(,uotin% G1ubla 1hanG)
# 8stately pleasure home8 indeed.
&244-
*h ; adore /olerid%e 4aylor. #s
a matter o( (act...
&etty rumma%es in handba% and produces battered $olume o(
poems. 3he starts to ,uote
G4he Rhyme o( the #ncient ariner.G
&244-
8;4 ;3 #0 #0/;204 #R;02R
#0' +2 34*9924+ *02 *F 4+R22
&- 4+2 )*0< <R2- &2#R' #0' <);442R2;0< 2-2
0*W W+2R2F*R2 34*99834 4+*? 28
*li$er looks a little uneasy.
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D DORMITORY #1
/#2R# 4R#/13 &#/1 #0' F*R4+ #)*0< li%hted windows in black
wall. 2ach room has bed and $enetian blinds. /haracters
mo$e between the two. 4he openin% and closin% o( blinds
should sometimes %i$e the impression o( lines on a tele$ision
ima%e.
3*0< - )?))#&-
0#4;*0
; F22) 4+2 +2#4 FR* -*?R 31;0
#0' 4+2 34?&&)2 *0 -*?R /+;0
-*?8R2 0* <**'
#/
-*?8R2 0* <**'
4hey kiss.
0#4;*0
-*?852 <*4 ';R4 *0 -*?R +#0'3
#0' 252R-&*'- ?0'2R34#0'3
-*?8R2 0* <**'
#/
-*?8R2 0* <**'
ac %ets into bed. 0ation remains smokin%.
0#4;*0
W+#4 # J*12...
#/
W+#4 # J*12...
0#4;*0
-*? F2) );12 /+*1;0<
-*? 9)#- F*R &R*12...
#/
-*? 9)#- F*R &R*12...
0#4;*0
+2 )2#523 -*? 3*1;0<...
#/
*+ R*#0/2 ;3 0*4 # /+;)'R2083 <#2...
0#4;*0
-*? 1229 <*;0< &#/1
;483 'R;5;0< -*? ;03#02
We 4R#/1 #)*0< 9#34 &ert8s room 4* Janet8s room. Janet is
listless on bed. tryin% to sleep.
J#024
'R;F4 ;04* 4+2 4R2#/)2 '229
3);9 ;04* ;3 3;)204 '294+3 - <* 4* 3)229
W;4+ -*?R 252R-4+;0< #1;&*
F)*#4 ;04* 4+2 3#0'#083 );&*
/*04;0?23 4R#/1;0< 4* Ricky and #nsalon%.
#03#)*0<
0;<+4 0;<+4
R;/1-
0;<+4 0;<+4
#03#)*0<
;483 4;2 F*R &-2-&-23
;483 &220 # <R2#4 '#- 4+#013 # +2#9
0*W ;483 4;2 F*R 252R-*02 4* <* 4* 3)229
/#2R# 4R#/13 &#/1 as each li%ht is switched o((.
#))
3* 0;<+4 0;<+4
(bass" ni%ht ni%ht)
;483 4;2 F*R &-2-&-23
;483 &220 # <R2#4 '#-
4+#013 # +2#9
0*W ;483 4;2
F*R 252R-*02
4* <* 4* 3)229
/#2R# 20'3 *0 barred windows o( &rad8s room. &rad cries
,uietly in his darkened cell.
AUDIENCE #6
#udience ha$e nodded o(( as well.
GANTRY OVERLOOKING STUDIO 4B4 #9
*li$er has dri(ted asleep. &etty ends her all-ni%ht recital.
&244-
8...+2 W204 );12 *02 4+#4 +#4+ &220 34?002'
#0' ;3 *F 32032 F*R)*R0. # 3#''2R #0' # W;32R
#0 +2 R*32 4+2 8*RR*W *R0.8
5ance 9arker crawls up ladder towards them. +e (inds a
dead bird on <antry and shines torch accusin%ly on couple.
9#R12R
'oes this belon% to you@
&etty screams. *li$er wakes. 9arker is le(t holdin% the
bird.
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D DORMITORY #;
#larm rin%s by &ert8s bed. Ward li%ht (lickers on. +e %ets
up and taps his way to showers. +e passes shower recess
containin% Janet.
J#024
((rom shower)
When do ; %et to see &rad@
&2R4
#(ter break(ast. -ou8re soundin%
tense. Janet.
(sneaks a look)
aybe ; could %i$e you a little
massa%e@
&ert makes ob$iously GunblindG pro%ress to Janet8s shower
curtain. # watchin% shadow appears in doorway.
&2R4
;n my time they used to call me
the erlin o( &erlin.
0#4;*0
(,uietly (rom door)
4hey probably meant ;r$in% and
wanted you to swin%.
&ert swin%s -- around -- his eyesi%ht (raud re$ealed.
0#4;*0
(to Janet)
ac8s waitin% in wardrobe. Janet.
(to &ert)
0ice to see you up and about.
&ert. /are to !oin me in an
on-set snack@
0ation smiles cruelly.
WARDROBE 1<
ac is (ondlin% clothes.
Janet enters.
J#024
; want to see &rad.
#/
; understand your concern. but
; (eel it8s time you started
thinkin% o( yoursel(.
(indicates mirror)
)ook at yoursel(.
Janet doesn8t look.
#/
-ou8re beauti(ulB
Janet looks.
#/
ore beauti(ul than any (ilm star.
#nd ; should know. ;n the old
series they came and went in e$ery
episode.
Janet cannot resist askin%.
J#024
;s it true they8re all mid%ets
with bi% heads@
#/
#bsolutely true. /ompared to
all o( them. you are per(ection.
(lawless beauty.
3he blooms.
#/
-ou are the most desirable creature
that e$er walked.
J#024
;( only &rad could ha$e (ound
it within his heart to say
these thin%s to me.
#/
+e will. &ut it8s up to you to
reawaken his (eelin%s. -ou8$e
%ot to be (abulous. look. think
and appear (abulous. #nd Farley8s
%i$en you that chance. -ou can
use the &reak(ast 3how to knock
'enton dead.
J#024
'o you really think so@
#/
-ou8$e %ot a really ti%ht team
around you. #nd e$erybody needs
youB
J#024
&ut what8ll ; do@ What8ll ;
say@ What8ll ; wear@
4LITTLE BLACK DRESS4 11
#/
252R 3;0/2 ; W#3 # );44)2 &*-
'R233;0< ?9 +#3 #)W#-3 &220 - <R2#4234 J*-
&?4 W+20 ;483 4;2 4* &2 ';3/R224
4+2R283 *02 4+;0< -*? J?34 /#084 &2#4
4+#483 # 34R#9)233. &#/1)233 /)#33;/#) );44)2 &)#/1
*04#<2 *F 32W;0<. 3/;33*R3 #0' F#&R;/.
#/
F;R34 -*? <* R;9 R;9 R;9
4+20 -*? <* 30;9 30;9 30;9
4+20 -*? W+;9 ;0 # L;9 L;9 L;9
#08 39);4 ;4 ?9 4* 4+2 +;9 +;9 +;9
#08 #3 -*? 34R;9 34R;9 34R;9
-*? F?;52R #0' 3+;52R F*R 4+#4 3*F4 /#R233
#3 -*? 3);9 3);9 3);9...;04* 4+#4 );44)2 &)#/1 'R233
INT. DRESSING ROOM 12
4he room is prepared (or Janet8s arri$al. Flowers around.
&ert and 0ation circle a table laid out (or break(ast.
&2R4
252R 3;0/2 ; W#3 4+2 2;02R 12);02R +2RR20
;4 W#3 4+2 /*R'*0 &)2? F*R W+;/+ ; # *34 /#R2-20...
#0' 4+2 *02 4#342 4R2#4 3* 3W224
4+#4 R2#))- /#084 &2 &2#4...
;3 W+#4 W2 +#52 J#@ +*W -*? #R2@.../#5;#RB
4+#4 );44)2 &)#/1 233.
ac appears up the stairs ((rom wardrobe below). champa%ne is
readied. Fan(are sounds as Janet storms up the stairs in her new G)ook.G
/orks pop. &ert is amaDed at the chan%e.
&2R4
&ut...how@
J#024
W2)) F;R34 -*? <* R;9 R;9 R;9
4+20 -*? <* 30;9 30;9 30;9
4+20 -*? W+;9 ;0 # L;9 L;9 L;9
#08 -*? 39);4 ;4 ?9 4* 4+2 +;9 +;9 +;9
#08 #3 -*? 34R;9 34R;9 34R;9
-*? F?;52R #0' 3+;52R F*R 4+#4 3*F4 /#R233
#3 -*? 3);9 3);9 3);9...;04* 4+#4 );44)2 &)#/1 'R233
#/
4+#4 ;0;#)
0#4;*0
/R;;0#)
&2R4
3;0-;-F?)
J#024
);44)2 &)#/1 'R233
4hey drink champa%ne and dance around.
#))
)2483 F#/2 ;4 #/ 4+#4 &#3;/ &)#/1 ;3 /*;0< &#/1
)2483 F#/2 ;4 #/ 4+#4 &#3;/ &)#/1 ;3 /*;0< &#/1
)2483 F#/2 ;4 #/ 4+#4 &#3;/ &)#/1 ;3 /*;0< &#/1
J#024
4+#4 ;0;#)
#/
/R;;0#)
0#4;*0
3;0-;-F?)
J#024
);44)2 &)#/1 'R233
INT. STUDIO 1
/rew stand by on set (or G<ood ornin% 'enton.G /-/ and
G5arietyG rostra. 'ancers and usicians at the ready.
F)**' #0#<2R
Ri%ht stand by e$erybody. 3he8ll
be here any minute now.
'ressin% room door (lies open and Janet (ollowed by ac.
0ation and &ert dance down spiral staircase to chorus reprise
o( G)ittle &lack 'ress.G /rew applauds the entrance.
022)-
Janet. ; can8t tell you how
eCcited ; am. For you.
Janet mo$es across the studio surrounded by make-up and
wardrobe persons. ;n the b.%. acy is settlin% into
&etty +apschatt8s desk and the G'enton 'ossierG si%n is bein%
replaced with G<ood ornin% 'enton.G 0eely tries to keep up.
022)-
We8$e %ot the band and dancers
standin% by. &etty +apschatt is...
indisposed. 3o acy will ha$e to
do the links.
J#024
; don8t need linkin%.
ANGLE ON GANTRY 1"
*li$er and &etty. lookin% the worse (or wear. stumble around
to $iew the action. &etty spies acy in her place and
(reeDes.
&244-
; knew itB
ANGLE ON 4GOOD MORNING DENTON4 SET 1#
Janet is positioned by Floor ana%er. 4he 4rio <roup around.
We 322 them R2F)2/42' in a mirror held by make-up.
&2R4
*ut o( sel( comes sel(lessness.
#/
3how yoursel(. 4he real you.
4he secret you.
0#4;*0
-ou8ll like what you see.
We /?4 4* acy8s intro.
#/-
4he (abulous. 4he %olden. 4he
$ery wonder(ul...
4wo '#0/2R3 at ike. 4hey chime (orth.
'#0/2R3
Janet -- Janet -- Janet -- Janet -- Janet.
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 11
4he audience wakes up and applauds.
4G.M.D.4 SET 16
Janet and two dancers silhouetted by <reek columns like a
kitsch G4hree <races.G
J#024
(with onitor)
4+2R283 J?34 4+2 4W* *F 2
#)*02 #4 )#34 4*<24+2R
W2852 <*4 4+2 )?/1 3* F#R
W2 #R2 - )?/1- 34#R
'isco beat thumps in - 'ancers start up.
J#024
'229 ;0 4+2 +2#R4 *F 2
; )*52 252R- 9#R4 *F 2
#)) ; /#0 322 ;0 2
;3 4+2 '#0<2R #0' 4+2 2/34#/-
*02 4+;0< 4+2R2 /*?)'084 &2
;3 #0- *R2 2 ;0 2
'#0/2R3
4+;3 ;3 4+2 2 *F 2
2 2 2
'ancers clump around. Janet walks out o( li%ht into studio
proper. ayhem proceeds.
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 19
3+*43 *F surprised audience.
4G.M.D.4 SET 1;
Janet continues.
J#024
2
2
2
2 2 2
2 2 2
ANGLE ON GANTRY 6<
&etty and *li$er. <iddy with disbelie(.
4G.M.D.4 SET 61
J#024
; # - '234;0-
;8)) #)W#-3 &2);252 ;0 2
;8' 0252R );2 4* 2
;8' &2 W;));0< 4* ';2 F*R 2
;8)) 9R#- 252R- '#- 4* 2
+2R283 W+#4 ;8' 3#- 4* 2
'#0/2R3
4+;3 ;3 4+2 2 *R 2
2 2 2
Janet knocks down column which brin%s down the set. Janet
miCes it with the usicians. <rabs <uitar and plays a ri((.
J#024
2
2
2
2 2 2
2 2 2
)**1 #4 2B
&i% (inish. 'ancers collapse.
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 62
Wild applause.
ANGLE ON GANTRY 6
&etty rushes down the stairs. *li$er (ollows.
ANDLE ON 4G.M.D.4 SET 6"
/rew surround Janet.
/R2W
Well done. /on%ratulations. 4hat
was hot. Whan an act. 2tc.
#/-
#nd you can see and hear Janet
toni%ht on 8Faith Factory8
brou%ht to you by...
INT. CONTROL ROOM 6#
onitors screen eCcitement (rom the studio (loor.
#/-
($oice o$er)
...Farley Fla$ors
Farley8s )#?<+42R.
ANDLE ON 4G.M.D.4 SET 61
&etty pushes her way throu%h (ans. 'etermined to break the spell.
&244-
+ow8s &rad@
4rio (reeDe eCpectin% the worst.
J#024
;( he cau%ht my act he8ll
be lookin8 %oodB
&etty is appalled. Janet reassures.
J#024
;t seems ;8m his medicine
so we8re o(( to %i$e him
another spoon(ul.
4rio led by Janet head into maDe down GRest +omeG #$enue. *li$er !oins
puDDled &etty and they both !oin Fueue (or 1irk8s break(ast co((ee. om and 'ad
are already bein% ser$ed. 1irk enthuses to them.
1;R1
+ey. What about thatB
Janet was a knockout.
*
4hank you.
1;R1
-eah. she looked terri(ic.
3eCy.
'ad looks an%ry at this. 1irk swallows.
1;R1
3eCy and yet at the same time ...
(searches (or
a word)
8Fresh8 -- untouched -- you
know. +ow8s &rad@
* #0' '#'
+e8s (ine.
1;R1
)ucky 'o%. ha$in% a pretty %irl
like that (or a wi(e.
om and 'ad mo$e away ner$ously and ,uickly.
'#'
*h. yeahB +e sure is. 4hanks.
1irk. (or su%arin% our co((ee.
1;R1
y pleasure.
om and 'ad head towards GRest +ome.G
1;R1
(to himsel()
4hat way ; mi%ht %et to su%ar
your dau%hter8s.
&etty and *li$er are neCt in line.
&244-
/o((ee. 1irk. ;8m dyin% (or
it.
1;R1
R.;.9.. &etty. -ou8re o(( the
list.
&etty is shocked. *li$er escorts her towards their o((ice.
&244-
What8s happenin% here@ Janet8s
on the &reak(ast 3how. &rad8s
committed to a nowehere series
and we8$e been . . .
4hey8$e arri$ed to (ind Ralph and acy workin% at their desks.
*);52R
. . .written out.
TITLE D 4DENTONVALE4 66
5*;/2 *52R
4oni%ht8s 2pisode. 84he 5isit.8
INT D 4DENTONVALE4 D BRAD'S CELL 69
om and 'ad are $isitin% &rad. Janet sweeps in. &rad is bound and
%a%%ed and strainin% at his bonds.
J#024
;8$e !ust come to tell you
how (abulous ; am.
*
(shouts)
JanetB Where8s that lo$ely
dress ; made you@
J#024
(dismissi$e)
*h. ac ran up this little
crowd-pleaser.
*
(outra%ed)
-ou8re practically nakedB
J#024
; can8t wear anythin% under it.
4hat would spoil the line.
&R#'
+<9++BB
*
y <od. JanetB +ow can you
say such thin%s@ )ook at &rad.
look what they8$e done to him@
ac. 0ation and &ert (ollow in.
#/
#hhhB
'#'
4here8s %oin% to ha$e to be an en,uiry.
#/
#hhhB
'#'
4here are re%ulations.
#/
Well. . .;t8s. . .
J#024
. . .For his own %ood.
#/
(relie$ed)
*( course. +e was in %reat
dan%er o( harmin% himsel(.

0#4;*0
We only want what8s best (or
him. as parents you must
understand.
'#'
0o. 0o. ; don8t. +e doesn8t
ha$e to be trussed up like a
turkey. 4here are dru%s that
can keep him ,uiet.
0#4;*0
We used them. #ll o( them.
*
#nd none o( them worked@
0#4;*0
0o.
'#'
4hen double the stren%th.
0#4;*0
We did.
#/
We know our !ob.
0#4;*0
#nd we also know how you (eel.
we8re not stran%ers to con(usion.
*
We8re not con(used.
'#'
Well. ; am. <od damn itB
(turns to Janet)
-ou trust &rad. . .with this. . .
(points to ac)
. . .crowd-pleaserB
4SHOCK TREATMENT4 6;
Ricky and #nsalon% arri$e and open ca%e. &rad is wheeled around room as
ac sin%s to parents.
#/
;8 0*4 # )*/? W;4+ # *4;52 4* 3?4?R2 -32)F
;852 &220 # /-0;/ F*R 4** #0- -2#R3
9)#-;0< '*/4*R #0' 0?R32- /#0 &2 <**' F*R -*?R
+2#)4+
;852 3220 /);0;/3 W;4+ 4+*32 <;;/13 ;0 4#0<;2R3
0ation meanwhile has decided to demonstrate their eCpertise on &ert.
#/
-*? 022' # &;4 *F. . .
0ation rips o(( &ert8s sun%lasses.
R;/1-. #03#)*0<. 0#4;*0
***+ 3+*/1 4R2#4204
#/
<243 -*? J?9;0< );12 # R2#) );52 W;R2
022' # &;4 *F. . .
0ation breaks &ert8s cane -- (aith healer style.
#03#)*0<. R;/1-. 0#4;*0
***+ 3+*/1 4R2#4204

#/
3* )**1 *?4 ;342R
'*084 &)*W -*?R )#34 R23;34*R
F*R # 5;34# 4+#48)) -34;F- -#
ac pushes &rad8s chair throu%h double doors. 2$eryone (ollows.
#/
(to &rad)
-*?8R2 &);0'2' &- R*#0/2 #0' &);0'2' &- 3/;20/2
-*?R /*0';4;*0 ;3 /R;4;/#))- <R#52
&?4 '*084 2I92/4 2R/- FR* 3?/+ #0 #));#0/2
3?39;/;*0 *F 4R#';4;*0 3* 02W W#52
-*? 022' # &;4 *F. . .
0ation opens door. 45 set in GWardG Room with ima%e o( blender now
o$er(lowin% with bloody substance. ;ma%e bleachs out as room
o$ereCposes.
#))
***+ 3+*/1 4R2#4204
'oor shuts.
#))
<243 -*? J?9;0< );12 # R2#) );52 W;R2
/horus repeats with action repeatin% on (our doors. *ther ima%es are --
toaster poppin% up burnt. charred hands. blood-soaked scar( down smooth
le%. re(ri%erator openin% on carcass.
#/
3* )**1 *?4 ;342R
'*084 &)*W -*?R )#34 R23;34*R
F*R # 3;342R 4+#48)) /2R4;F- -#.
'rum-ri(( takes o$er and all dance samba-style around corridors led by
&ert. #nsalon%. and Ricky. Janet. ac and 0ation head out o( corridors.
om and 'ad to G+appy +omesG while Ricky and #nsalon% end up wheelin%
&rad back to his cell.
GANTRY D HIGH ANGLE ON MAZE DANCING 91
&etty and *li$er starin% below.
&244-
)ook. )ook at that. &ert 3chnick
can see. Why...he8s...dancin%.
*);52R
(unimpressed)
-es. acabre. isn8t it. 4he
blind leadin% the blind.
INT. 4FAITH FACTORY4 SET 92
9hoto blow-up o( Farley bein% positioned. &ert. Janet. ac. 0ation
samba into rehearsal (or GFaith Factory.G # (ew kids (*scar and &renda
'rill. <lish 'a$ison and 'rummer) ho$er. Ralph and acy %reet Janet.
R#)9+
+i. JanetB Welcome to the
8Faith Factory8 team. We8re
all pretty eCcited about toni%ht.
J#024
(indicatin% Farley8s
hu%e picture)
'o ; %et one o( those@
R#)9+
(embarrassed)
?h...yeah...sure...;t8s bein%
done now.
+e %i$es acy 3truthers a G%et on with itG look.
#/-
(%rinnin% a (iCed.
some mi%ht say
plastic smile)
+iB acy 3truthers -- co-host
on the F. F. show.
R#)9+
#h. acy. Why don8t you help
Janet (reshen up be(ore rehearsal.
#/-
3urely.
Flashbulbs pop. 4hree boys %et Janet8s auto%raph. &renda pushes
throu%h to Ralph.
&R20'#
(to Ralph)
-ou promised an introduction.
acy ho$ers -- disappro$in%.
R#)9+
(embarrassed)
)ater. &renda. #h. &ert. could
you spare a moment@
&2R4
(%i$in% ac and
0ation a superior
look)
*( course.
ac and 0ation eCchan%e looks. Janet. acy. <lish. &renda. *scar and
'rummer mo$e towards dressin% room.
<);3+ '#5;3*0
(to &renda)
Who are those creeps with Janet@
&R20'#
4hey8re no creepsB
(superior tone)
Ralph says they8re neuro-dia%nosticians.
*3/#R
*h yeah. When did Ralph say that@
&R20'#
(tauntin%)
0e$er mind.
0eely8s /#2R# F*))*W3. 0eely thrusts a microphone at Janet as she
heads up spiral staircase.
022)-
JanetB # ,uick word. /ould you
tell our $iewers what eCactly you will represent
toni%ht.
J#024
(enterin% room)
3anity (or todayB
'oor slams. 0eely (umes but smiles 4* /#2R#. 3he passes Ralph and
&ert ho$erin% in a corner. Ralph holds a clipboard with schedule.
R#)9+
+ow8s &rad@
&2R4
# wreck.
R#)9+
/heck.
(sotto $oce)
4he ,uacks are willin% tools@
&2R4
FoolsB
R#)9+
; wouldn8t mind doin% Janet one
or two (a$ours.
&2R4
4ime to check with Fla$ors.
INT. DRESSING ROOM 9
Janet and /ompany are relaCin%. 0ation miCes cocktails. /hantin% in
b.%. /assette plays a bland /NW back%round (carte blanche).
#/-
(a bit thin-lipped)
#nythin% else you8d like@
J#024
-es. # new carpet. ; hate the
colour.
acy lea$es.
0#4;*0
;t8s only one ni%ht. Janet.
)et8s not (or%et who we8re
doin% this (or@
J#024
Who@
#/
&radB
J#024
(me%alomania has
taken o$er)
;8m sick o( hearin% about that
lame do%. ;8$e %ot a lot %oin%
(or me. ;8m %oin% places. ;8m
%oin% to be someone. ;8m %onna
win my way into the li$es and
hearts o( people e$en i( ; ha$e
to kill to do it. ;8ll make the
pathetic little crumbs lo$e me.
; don8t e$en know why ;8m wastin%
my time here with you. ; should
be with my people...
Janet storms out o( room onto balcony. /heers (rom outside. ac
eCchan%es a look with 0ation who is lacin% a cocktail.
INT. STUDIO 9"
Janet wa$es to cheerin% kids (rom balcony.
<);3+
(shouts)
-ou8re %reatB
J#024
(humbly)
4hank you.
&R20'#
+iB y name8s &renda 'rill...
and ; think you8re beauti(ul...
this is my brother *scar and our
(riend <lish 'a$ison...you8re
beauti(ul...you really are.
*3/#R
#re you a rock sin%er@ ; bet
she8s a rock sin%er...
<);3+
-eah. ; saw the &reak(ast 3how.
-ou8re terri(ic.
&R20'#
-our clothes are real neat...
0ation appears behind Janet. hands her the drink containin% sedati$e.
0#4;*0
4his is Janet. 3he8s a phenomenon.
Janet %ulps drink.
J#024
3* ;F -*?8R2 )**1;0< F*R # 34#0'#R'
4* W+;/+ -*? /#0 #39;R2 -- 4+20 &#&;23
)**1 #4 2B
ac and 0ation assist swoonin% Janet inside.
0#4;*0
; think you need a little rest.
-ou8$e %ot a bi% ni%ht ahead
o( you.
'oors close. 1ids chant GWe Want Janet.G
INT. 4FAITH FACTORY4 SET 9#
1ids chantin% GWe Want JanetG throu%hout. acy and Ralph are bein%
inter$iewed by 0eely 9ritt amidst a be$y o( crew acti$ity. &etty and
*li$er lurk on the sidelines -- ea$esdroppin%.
#/-
3o all in all it8s %oin% to
be an eCcitin% new series (or
us...
R#)9+
...and an attracti$e (inancial
prospect (or 'enton.
/?4 4* &etty yawnin%. *li$er listenin% intently.
022)-
($oice o$er)
and (ashion-wise@
&244-
(suddenly alert)
What did ; tell you.
acy answers.
#/-
Well. ; can !ust say that
8Faith Factory8 will be introducin%
a new look that will show o((
one or two old (aces in an
entirely new li%ht.
022)-
ReallyB 3ounds promisin%.
&etty is bristlin%.
&244-
'id you hear that. *li$er.
*);52R
-es. &etty. &ut the (alse promise
o( a new dawn is usually (ollowed
by a most bloody sunset.
&etty is despondent.
&244-
*h. *li$er. What are we %oin% to do@
R#)9+
($oice o$er)
0oB ; don8t know what Janet8s
neCt mo$e will be...but you can
be sure o( one thin%...it all
starts hereB
*);52R
/are to indul%e@
&244-
;ndul%e@
*);52R
;n a little mas,uerade@
TITLE D 4DENTONVALE4 9#DA
5*;/2 *52R
4oni%ht8s 2pisode --
89arental 9redicament.8
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D BRAD'S CELL 91
&rad is still restrained and (e$erish. om and 'ad are present. 4hey
look $ery worried.
*
*h. +arry. What are we %oin%
to do@
'#'
Well...maybe ; could wear my
black leather bro%ues@
*
4oo (lashy...they8ll clash with
the new out(its.
&rad moans -- om (eeds him a pill.
*
;t8s all ri%ht. &rad dear...ha$e
another sedati$e...we8ll miss
you on the show toni%ht.
4hey set o((.
'#'
(to om)
aybe those ;talian loa(ers
; bou%ht in +awaii mi%ht still
(it@
'oors close. &rad looks tormented in his sleep. ;n the distance kids
are heard chantin% GWe Want Janet.G
SUPERIMPOSITION 96
Janet appears throu%h closed doors.
J#024
;8$e !ust come to tell you how
(abulous ; am.
INT 4DENTONVALE4 D BRAD'S CELL 99
&rad tosses and turns.
INT. DRESSING ROOM 9;
Janet tosses and turns.
1;'3
($oice o$er)
W2 W#04 J#024B
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D BRAD'S CELL ;<
Janet in wheelchair in her G)ook.G
SUPERIMPOSITION ;1
&rad appears throu%h closed door in strait!acket.
&R#'
;8$e !ust come to tell you
how (abulous ; am.
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D BRAD'S CELL AND CORRIDORS ;2
;ma%e ';33*)523. 'oors *pen. /#2R# *523 '*W0 /orridor. usic ri((
be%ins. 'oors open as in G3hock 4reatment.G First door houses bed
containin% ac and 0ation. 3econd door has &ert 3chnick.
&2R4
Face up to it. Janet...+e8s an
emotional cripple.
/#002' )#?<+42R 2/+*23. 'oor closes.
4hird door has 45 set with ima%e o( Farley8s (ace.
F#R)2-
4;283 4;<+4. J#024
'* ;4 R;<+4. J#024
?04;) 4*0;<+4. J#024
;#<2 &)2#/+23 W+;42.
Janet appears in white corridors.
J#024
(sin%s)
;8 ;0 # /?)-'2-3#/
#08 ;852 <*4 4* <* &#/1
3* /8*0 F224
W2 <*44# +;4 4+2 34R224
W2 <*4 ;4 #'2...
;8 )**1;0< F*R 4R#'2
'oor opens on &rad8s cell.
&R#'
;8 )**1;0< F*R )*52.
/loses. Janet leans a%ainst it.
J#024
;8 )**1;0< F*R 4R#'2
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D CORRIDORS ;
Janet circlin% corridor.
J#024
; 022' 3*2
-*?0< &)**'
; 022' 3*2
-*?0< &)**'
; 022' ;4 0*W
; 022' 3*2
-*?0< &)**'
; 022' 3*2
-*?0< &)**'
#0' ;8 <*00# <24 ;4 3*2+*WB
Janet opens door.
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D DINING ROOM ;"
'inin% table replaced by pool table. *scar. <lish and 'rummer playin%
pool.
J#024
;8 ;0 # '2#'-20' 34R224
);12 # '*< ;0 4+2 +2#4
;8 0* );12 # 1;' W;4+ 0* 4*-3
; <*44# <24 4+*32 &*-3
**++ ; /#084 &2 '2)#-2'
;8 )**1;0< F*R 4R#'2
&rad appears on pool table. &oys $anish.
&R#'
;8 )**1;0< F*R )*52
J#024
;8 )**1;0< F*R 4R#'2
INT 4DENTONVALE4 D OFFICE ;#
Filin% cabinets replaced by G3pace ;n$adersG achines. *scar. <lish and
'rummer WhiDD and Fire 2lectronic machines.
J#024
W28R2 #)) );5;0< );12 4+2R283 0* 4**RR*W
#08 4+2 W#- 4+;0<3 #R2 <*;0< 4+#483 9R*&#&)- 4R?2
2Cplosion (rom achine.
J#024
&?4 W;4+*?4 -*? #0' 2. 3;3
(looks are her re(lection)
4+2 W*R)'8' F#)) 4* 9;2/23
(clutches her heart)
520# /#5# W+*83 4+2 R#52R@
4R;*
*?R R#5;0< 3#5;*?R 4+#483 -*?BB
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D CORRIDORS WITH DOORS ;1
Janet opens doors. each containin% $ideo ima%e o( Farley smilin%.
J#024
;8 *0 4+2 9R;R*32 9#4+
)**1;0< F*R # )#?<+ ('**R)
R22&2R. ;483 0* F?0
4* &2 /+*320 *02 ('**R)
4+2R2 #R2 <#23 4* &2 9)#-2'
Janet opens shower door. 4hree heads turn.
*3/#R. <);3+ #0' 'R?2R
)**1;0< F*R 4R#'2
3+*4 o( Janet down corridor.
3+*4 *F corridor to &rad8s cell. 'oor opens.
&R#'
;8 )**1;0< F*R )*52
'**R /)*323.
/)*32?9 *F Janet.
J#024
;8 )**1;0< F*R 4R#'2
INT 4DENTONVALE4 D ANGLE ON WALL WITH WINDOWS ;6
Janet walks past windows. Faces o( 4rio appear throu%h open and closed
5enetian blinds.
J#024
; 022' 3*2
4R;*
-*?0< &)**'
J#024
; 022' 3*2
4R;*
-*?0< &)**'
J#024
; 022' ;4 0*W
; 022' 3*2
4R;*
-*?0< &)**'
J#024
; 022' 3*2
4R;*
-*?0< &)**'
Janet stops by &rad8s window.
J#024
#0' ;8 <*00# <24 ;4 3*2+*W
3he looks in. 4he ca%e contains the $ideo o( Farley8s smilin% (ace.
3he turns away.
J#024
;8 )**1;0< F*R 4R#'2
INT. DRESSING ROOM D CLOSEUP JANET'S SLEEPING FACE ;9
/+#04;0< +2#R' (rom outside.
*3/#R. <);3+ #0' 'R?2R
JanetB JanetB We want JanetB
JanetB JanetB Wake up. JanetB
2yes (lutter open. 0ation enters.
0#4;*0
-ou8$e %ot %uests.
(calls)
-ou can come in now.
2yes (ocus. 'ru%%ed e((ort to talk. *scar. &renda. <lish and 'rummer
$isit.
&R20'#
+i. Janet. 4hey wouldn8t let us
$isit you be(ore. 4hey said you
were sleepin%.
J#024
Who are you@
*3/#R
4he &and. We8$e been rehearsin%
(or the new show. y sister
&renda persuaded Ralph to let us
play.
J#024
-ou %ot any (riends@
*3/#R
3ure. <lish here...and &renda.
J#024
(sel(-pityin%)
-ou won8t ha$e soon. -ou %row
away (rom the ones you lo$e.
*scar and <lish eCchan%e a look.
J#024
Whateryer called. yer band@
<);3+
(proudly)
*scar 'rill and the &its.
Janet passes out.
WARDROBE ;;
'ummy dressed as Farley F;))3 3/R220. From behind it a woman8s hand
emer%es. ;t is the wardrobe mistress. 3he collects dummy and eCits --
as she does. two (i%ures emer%e (rom behind the racks -- *li$er and
&etty.
&244-
; don8t mind tellin% you. *li$er...
;8m not lookin% (orward to this.
4hey %rab lab coats (rom a medical rack labelled GF.F.G
*);52R
&etty. it8s imperati$e we %et
Janet out o( Fla$ors8 (ast (in%ers
and &rad out o( that hell-hole
be(ore they both disappear (ore$er.
;( only ; could place that name
-- c1inley@
&244-
((rom under a
pile o( clothes)
+e was a 9resident.
*);52R
9resident@ 9ast 9residentsB
&etty. this is be%innin% to add
up.
&244-
Really.
(appears in 0urse8s
out(it holdin% accessory)
What8ll ; pin this on@
*);52R
Faith. &etty. &ut make sure it8s
your own.
4hey eCit stealthily.
INT. CONTROL ROOM 1<<
onitors all read G'.4.5.G
Farley bein% (itted by Wardrobe. impatient. he checks his watch.
9arker in attendance.
W#R'R*&2
;n a hurry. r. Fla$ors@
9#R12R
4here8s a little lady he doesn8t
want to keep waitin%. #nd a date...
W#R'R*&2
Who with. r. Fla$ors@
F)#5*R3
4he past.
WARDROBE 1<1
/haos in the racks as ac and 0ation dispense the GFaith FactoryG
medical look out(its to Ralph. acy. Ricky. #nsalon%. om and 'ad.
*
);12 # 5;R<;0 W;4+ #08 ?R<;08 ;0 # 3?R<2R-
;8)) &2 3W;0<;0< -- ;8)) &2 &R;0<;0< *?4 4+2 0?R32
;0 2
'#'
4+2 #R4 W;)) 34#R4 W+20 ; 9)#- - 9#R4
#3 4+2 +2#)2R W+* W;)) 342#) -*?R +2#R4
&*4+
*+. )**1 W+#4 ; ';' 4* - ;'
ac and 0ation hand out stethoscopes. etc.
#/ #0' 0#4;*0
W;4+ 02?R*3;3 ;0 9R*F?3;*0
#0' 93-/+*3;3 ;0 -*?R 3*?)
2);;0#42 /*0F?3;*0
#0' +;'2 ;03;'2 # &R#0' 02W R*)2
#/-
);12 # <**'-4;2 <;R) ;8 <*00# 4R- 3*2 02W 4R;/13
R#)9+
4+;3 /*?)' &2 4+2 34#R4 *F # W+*)2 02W /#R22R +2R2
#/-
);12 # '229 9)? );934;/1 #0' 3*2 4+2R#92?4;/3
R#)9+
4+;3 /*?)' 4#12 ?3 4* # 4*W0 4+#483 0*W+2R2 02#R
+2R2
4hey dance to mirrors as Ricky stru%%les with pants and #nsalon% snips
her hemline.
#03#)*0<
<*4 4+2 +*4 F)?3+ 3-94*3 #0' ;8 F22);0< FR2#1-
R;/1-
-*?0< #)2 ;042R0. 4#)) #0' +#0'3*2
#03#)*0<
<*4 - +2 3* +;<+ 4+2-8)) 3#- ;8 &2;0< /+221-
R;/1-
W;4+ )2<3 );12 ;02 ;8 R2#))- #'2 F*R '#0/;0<
4hey dance.
2032&)2
;0 4+2 &234-'R2332' /*04234
4+2R283 &*?0' 4* &2 3*2 J2#)*?3-
&?4 4+2 &234-'R2332' <?234 W;4+ W+* W28R2 #)) ;9R2332'
;3 H2BH H2BH H2BH H2BH
-*? #- 3#- 4+#4 W28R2 9+*0- 2';/3
#0' #)) *?R ?0;F*R3 /#2 FR* FR2'2R;/183
&?4 )**1 W+#4 ; ';' 4* - ;'
1;'
)**1 W+#4 ; ';' 4* - ;'
INT. DRESSING ROOM 1<2
&renda has or%anised co((ee to sober Janet up. <lish and *scar site
mesmerisedO like most people. they are mistakin% histrionics (or
%reatness. ac and 0ation check in on Janet.
J#024
(mumblin%)
&radB *h. &rad.
0#4;*0
(impatient)
+e8s a lame do%. remember@ &ut
e$en he wouldn8t want to see you
like this.
4he door opens -- Ralph is there with 0eely8s 0ews 4eam.
022)-
)isten. Ralph. ; need a (inal
statement (rom her -- and i(
; don8t %et it now. Ri%ht nowB
4here8s %oin% to be trouble.
R#)9+
)ater. 0eely.
3lams door. 0eely8s $oice complainin% in distance.
R#)9+
+ow is she@
0ation shru%s.
R#)9+
-eahB Well. ; !ust %ot word Farley8s
eCpectin% her any minute. -ou <uysBB
(*scar and <lish) <et yer asses in
(ront o( those cameras. warm up that
crowd and earn yoursel$es a reputation.
*kay@ o$eBBB
Ralph rushes out. *scar and <lish shu((le a bit -- *scar puts a couple
o( %rubby pills on the table.
*3/#R
For you. Janet -- they8ll make
you (eel real %ood.
<);3+
(awkwardly)
-eah. ri%ht.
4hey eCit. 0ation skill(ully pops her own pills into Janet8s co((ee.
0#4;*0
#mateursB
INT. STUDIO 1<
9eople are circulatin%. #n eCcited #udience with G4ake-#way-4herapyG
products. GFaith FactoryG 4-shirts. etc. #bo$e. on the %antry. &etty
and *li$er. dis%uised as edicos. are makin% plans. &etty mo$es to
stairway behind their old o((ice while *li$er heads around behind the
set. eanwhile 0eely is entertainin% the #udience with some last-minute
reporta%e.
022)-
#n8 so i( you8re a (ollower o(
eCotic trends in (ashion you8ll
(ind plenty to keep you %oin%
here toni%ht...and. naturally.
(eelin% the eCcitement and not
wishin% to stick out like a sore
thumb. ; had to %et an out(it o(
my own to%ether...and this is it...
3he tries at (irst to be the reporter in a (unny costume but then we see
a look in her eyes that says...)ook at e.
INT. 4DENTON DOSSIER4 OFFICE 1<"
4+R*?<+ %lass we 322 door at back o( o((ice open and G0urseG &etty
stealthily heads towards computer in(ormation section. F;0<2R3 4-92 out
Gc1inleyG and R2#'-*?4 R252#)3 the (ollowin%"
R2#'-*?4
/*3* #0' 0#4;*0 /1;0)2- -- *92R#4;0< ?0'2R #);#3
/*3* #0' 0#4;*0 +#R';0<. /*3* #0' 0#4;*0
J*+03*0. /*3* #0' 0#4;*0 /**);'<2. /*3*
#0' 0#4;*0 F;))*R2. *R;<;0 ?010*W0. F;R34
3;<+42' 20<)#0' 4+20 <2R#0-. 3*?4+ #FR;/#.
&R#L;). 3W;4L2R)#0'. /?RR204 #''R233 '204*0 ?.3.#.
&244-
<ood +ea$ensB /haracter actors.
INT. STUDIO D ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 1<#
*scar 'rill8s &and are tunin% up. We 522R *52R to &renda who8s
or%anisin% the crowd into a cheer s,uad.
&R20'#
J. #. 0. 2. 4. What8s that spell@
/R*W'
J#024B
&R20'#
; can8t hear you etc.
ANGLE ON GANTRY 1<1
*li$er heads past *((icer 9arker towards &rad8s cell in G'enton$ale.G
INT. 4DENTON DOSSIER4 OFFICE 1<6
F;0<2R3 4-92 GFarley Fla$ors.G ;n(ormation reads out GFarley Fla$ors --
see &rad a!ors -- icro(ilm '.'.>PAA.G
INT. 4FAITH FACTORY4 SET 1<9
*scar. &renda and &its ha$e arri$ed. /rowd murmurs. rs. 'rill (&renda
and *scar8s om) starts to elbows those around her.
R3. 'R;))
4hat8s my boy. *scar. /ome on.
*scar. /ome on. &aby.
Ralph steps up to ike.
R#)9+
)#';23 #0' <204)220 -- '204*083 *W0 --
with --
(reads)
8# 3uburban <ara%e 3ound.8
)et8s hear it (or *scar 'rill and the &its.
4he crowd cheers.
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D BRAD'S CELL 1<;
&rad in chair in ca%e.
*li$er8s (ace appears at window. &rad looks startled.
INT. 4DENTON DOSSIER4 OFFICE 11<
icro(ilm on $ideo screen. +eadlinin% readin% G4wins 4ra%edy.G &etty
%asps. Winds (ilm on.
&244-
4his is one time charity didn8t
be%in at home.
&etty heads back to door as we /?4 4* 5ideo 3creen 3+*W;0< photos o(
&rad and Farley as children -- twin brothers. usic starts in studio.
INT. 4FAITH FACTORY4 SET 111
4he &and thumps it out. rs. 'rill beha$es like a Woodstock hippie.
*3/#R
; 10*W +*W ;4 F22)3 4* &2 /**);08 - +22)3
;852 &220 '*W0 *0 4+2 )*0< 20*?<+
&?4 ;F ; 4#12 4* 4+2 0*W
4+20 #-&2 3*2+*W
-*?8)) 322 4+R*?<+ 4+2 &)?FF
*F - 9)#-;0< ;4 4*?<+
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D BRAD'S CELL 112
*li$er is in room. +e tries keys on cell door.
INT. 4FAITH FACTORY4 SET 11
*3/#R. &R20'#. <);3+
;852 &220 # );F24;2 *0 '29*3;4
#0' 4+#483 # )*0< 4;2 ;0 4+2 /)*324
#0' ;F -*? 3#- 4* 2 8+*W W#3 ;4@8
;4 W#3 +#R' 4#1;0< 4+#4 +2#R4 &R2#1;0<
<*' F*R3#120 R*?42
&?4 ;8 &-&-&-&R2#1;0< *?4.
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D BRAD'S CELL 11"
*li$er isn8t ha$in% much success. &etty appears at window brandishin%
G+airpin.G
INT. 4FAITH FACTORY4 SET 11#
*3/#R
-*? #- 3#- 4+#4 -*?8' /+**32
4* &2 ;0 - 3+*23
&?4 )**1 W+#4 ;4 ';' F*R 2
INT. DRESSING ROOM 111
0ation helps Janet into dress. 3he stares. (roDen. into mirrors.
*3/#R
($oice o$er)
; <*4 &?R;2' #);52
; '*084 4+R;52 *0 4+#4 J;52
)**1 #0' -*?8)) 322
4+#4 - 39;123 '*084 F;4 2
INT. 4FAITH FACTORY4 SET 116
*3/#R. &R20'#. <);3+
W2852 &220 # );F24;2 *0 '29*3;4
#0' 4+#483 # )*0< 4;2 ;0 4+2 /)*324
#0' ;F -*? 3#- 4* ?3 8+*W W#3 ;4@8
;4 W#3 +#R' 4#1;0< 4+#4 +2#R4 &R2#1;0<
<*' F*R3#120 R*?42
&?4 W28R2 &-&-&-&R2#1;0< *?4.
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D BRAD'S CELL 119
&etty has picked the lock.
4hey rush in to &rad. *li$er %rasps the wheelchair.
&R#'
Where are we %oin%@
&244-
4o a (amily reunion.
INT. 4FAITH FACTORY4 SET 11;
#udience is respondin% to *scar and /ompany.
*3/#R
&R2#1;0< *?4
#?';20/2
&R2#1;0< *?4
*3/#R
&R2#1;0< *?4
#?';20/2
&R2#1;0< *?4
*3/#R
&R2#1;0< *?4
#?';20/2
&R2#1;0< *?4
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D BRAD'S CELL 12<
*li$er. &etty. &rad. 2Cplanations are concludin%.
&244-
...and he8s resented you all these
years.
&R#'
#nd Janet@
*);52R
3he represents e$erythin% he
was denied.
INT. 4FAITH FACTORY4 SET 121
*3/#R. &R20'#. <);3+
&reakin% *?4B
#pplause. Flashbulbs.
INT. CONTROL ROOM 122
F#R)2-
...3he represents e$erythin% that
our customers want. ;nnocence.
decency and the illusion o( a
happy endin%B
#pplause. Flashbulbs. etc.
F#R)2-
#nd behind her ima%e 4ake-#way
4herapy will thri$e in the
capable hands o( two %reat
ethical intellects operatin% on
the (rontiers o( medical science...
(indicatin% ac
and 0ation)
... under the (irm %uidance o( a
%reat sur$i$or in the treacherous
sea o( diplomacy -- &ert 3chnickB
#pplause -- meetin% breaks up -- 0eely elbows her way to Farley. /rew
(ollows. /#2R#3 4?R0;0<. acy lea$es to collect Janet. *thers (ollow.
022)-
r. Fla$ors -- may ; ha$e a moment
o( your time@
/#2R#3 4?R0.
F#R)2-
(ma%nanimous)
3ure thin%.
022)-
We8$e heard rumors that you8re
%oin% to un$eil more than !ust
a new series toni%ht. ;s this
true@
F#R)2-
#bsolutely correct.
022)-
/ould you tell us a little about
it@
F#R)2-
)et8s !ust say that ;8m puttin%
sanity back on the national
menu.
022)-
#nd how does 8local %irl8
Janet a!ors (it into the scheme
o( thin%s@
acy arri$es. escortin% Janet.
F#R)2-
(%limpsin% Janet)
5ery nicely.
J#024
(amaDed at
resemblance)
&rad@
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D CORRIDORS 12
&etty holds door to &rad8s cell as *li$er pushes chair into corridor.
INT. 4FAITH FACTORY4 12"
/olonnade with central dais backed by two photo blow-ups o( Farley and
Janet. mom. 'ad. Ricky. #nsalon%. acy sit on lower le$el. Ralph at
microphone. ac and 0ation (lankin% podium.
R#)9+
#nd here she isB 'enton8s
ownB #merica8s 9rideB Janet...
4he 3ensation o( the 9lanet...
/heers.
R#)9+
We brin% you...;33 204#) +2#)4+.
# rather con(used Janet dressed as a cross between iss #merica and a
bride appears at the entrance to the colonnade. 'urin% the (ollowin%
she pro%resses alon% to the dais and sits in a special. waitin% throne.
0ation has the microphone.
0#4;*0
;sn8t she lo$ely@
*
(shouts)
ommy and 'addy lo$e you.
&aby.
0#4;*0
3he walks in beauty...
*
(shouts)
We lo$e you. &aby.
0#4;*0
We all lo$e Janet...Who
do we lo$e@
#))
(shout)
J#024BB
0#4;*0
(o$er 9.#.)
4he dress Janet is wearin% has
been %i$en by /reme de la /reme odes o(
'owntown 'enton. and we8$e been asked
that you take note o( the indi$idual
stylin% and eC,uisite tailorin%...
4his is !ust one o( the many %i(ts
that ha$e been so (reely and %enerously
%i$en to Janet. the (irst o(
(we hope) many iss ental +ealths...
0eely 9ritt preens at this remark.
#))
+ooray.
5*;/2 *FF (;RW;0)
)et me throu%h. ;8m the 9resident.
022)-
(eCcitedly)
4he 9resident8s hereB
#udience eCcitement as a stran%e little man ascends the dais.
9R23;'204
;8m ;rwin )appsy...9resident
o( )appsy #uto...and ; ha$e here
in my hand some keys...keys that
; want to %i$e to this little
)ady that8s bein% honored toni%ht
...#nd ; wanna tell you...that i(
this same little )ady takes these
keys...3he8ll (ind that they (it
somethin%B #nd what that somethin%
is...is a...&R#0' 02W...?)4R# '2 )?I2
...2;<+4 /-);0'2R /*052R4;&)2BB
/*9)242 W;4+ R#';*...4#92'2/1
...W#3+#&)2 32#4 /*52R3 and
many more eCtras...an8 it8s hers
(or absolutely (ree.
4he curtains part with a (an(are and we see the auto. )#993- %oes to
hand Janet the keys and ac %rabs them.
#))
Wow...-eah...+ooray.
*
-ou8re beauti(ul. &aby.
R#)9+
Well. Janet8s absolutely speechless.
)adies and <entlemen. &ut that8s
all ri%ht. &ecause we don8t need her
to talk...&ut here8s someone we do
want to hear (rom...a (irm (a$orite
o( yours and mine. -ou8$e re$elled
in his recipes. -ou8$e mar$elled
at his marria%e %uidance. -es. the
all-knowin%. and now all-seein%
&ert 3chnickBB
&ert races around colonnade to take his place at the microphone.
&2R4
3ank youB 5elcomeB 3ank youB
R#)9+
What8s cookin8. &ert@
&2R4
; tell you what8s cookin%. 3he
made the blind see and it was a
%i(tB Who was it (rom@ )et8s
hear an 8FG (or...
#))
FarleyB
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 D CORRIDORS 12#
*li$er and &etty are wheelin% &rad around corridors but seem ,uite lost.
#ll pointin% di((erent directions.
&2R4
($oice o$er)
#nd another one (or...
#))
Fla$orsB
INT. 4FAITH FACTORY4 121
Farley pro%resses around /olonnade to tremendous o$ation. usic plays.
+e takes microphone.
F#R)2-
y FriendsB #nd you are
my (riends. y (riends.
4oni%ht. we are takin% the
(irst step o( de(iance and
startin% somethin% that will
%row so bi% that the whole
world will re$erberate to its
sound. #nd where$er our
slo%an 83#0;4- #0' 5#0;4-8
is uttered it will be
linked incontra$ertably with
this ni%ht...this station
...and...this...beauti(ul
(ace.
Farley mo$es to Janet. <room to &ride.
INT. CORRIDORS 126
4rio roars around corner.
INT. 4FAITH FACTORY4 129
Farley8s hand takes Janet8s. +e is about to kiss her as the trio
crashes throu%h the photo blowup o( Janet and &rad lands between them.
&R#'
32'?/2RB
/hord.
F#R)2-
(amaDed)
Who are you. 3irB
/hord.
&R#'
(de(iant)
-our twin brotherB #nd your
accuserB
<eneral consternation. Janet looks (rom one to another. 4hey are
indeed identical.
J#024
&R#'B
#/
(to 9arker)
#rrest that manB +e8s committed
to our care.
J#024
(to ac)
; ne$er si%ned the contract.
(to 9arker)
+e8s not %oin% anywhere.
/hord.
*);52R
(to Farley)
4o re$en%e your twin--you
tried to abuse her.
F#R)2-
Ridiculous accusationsB -ou
(orce me to re(use her.
&R#'
4hen why did you choose her@
/)*32?9 o( Farley %larin% at &rad.
F#R)2-
($oice o$er)
&ecause...o( you. 3irB
F#R)2-
($oice o$er.
sin%in%)
-*?8R2 # )*32R...#0 #&*;0#4;*0
;0 4+2 2-23 *F #0- 3203;4;52 #0
/)*32?9 o( &rad %larin% back at Farley.
&R#'
($oice o$er)
#08 -*?8R2 # &);0' #))2- /R?;32R
#)W#-3 +2#';0< '*W0 # )*3;0<
34R#;<+4
'R2#;08 4+#4 -*?8R2 3/R2#;08 #4
F#42
INT. CORRIDORS D BRAD'S P.O.V. 12;
9ursuin% Farley down corridor.
&R#'
($oice o$er)
-*?8R2 # '2#'-20'. '2#'-&2#4.
0*-W+2R2 ;342R
W;4+ # 1;33 );12 # ;33;33;99;
#));<#4*R83 3;342R
Farley turns. 4hey now spit their thou%ht at each other in son%"
F#R)2-
;852 4**1 #3 ?/+ *F -*? #3 #0-
#0 /#0
-*?852 )*34 -*?R +2#R4
/)*32?9 - &R#'.
&R#'
-*?852 )*34 -*?R /#?32
/)*32?9 - F#R)2-.
F#R)2-
-*? )*34 -*?R &#&- W+20 -*? )*34
-*?R &#))3
-*?852 )*34 -*?R ;0'. -*?852 )*34
-*?R <R;9
3* 3#- &-2-&-2
Farley walks away. &rad pursues.
&R#'
W2 )*34 *?R *. W2 )*34 *?R '#'
#08 ;F ;8 )*3;0< -*?. W2)) 4+#483
J?34 4** &#'
Farley turns.
F#R)2-
W2)) 4+2 &234 4+;0< -*? /*?)'
252R '*...;3 ';2
Farley mo$es on.
&R#'
-*?8R2 # F#;)?R2...
# #)F*R#4;*0 ;0 4+2 <?;32 *F
#0-. #0 #)3*-R#0
Farley turns.
F#R)2-
#08 -*?8R2 # W2292R #0' # W#;)2R
#)W#-3 4R2#';0< 4+2 4*23 *F
4+2 <R2#4
<202R#))- 39R2#';0< -*?R W2;<+4
-*?8R2 # 39;42F?). +#42F?)
#3;0;02 /R2#4?R2
# 9?9;) W;4+ 0* 3/R?9)23 W+*
102W &2442R 4+#0 4+2 42#/+2R
/)*32?9 - &R#'.
&R#'
;852 4**1 #3 ?/+ *F -*? #3 #0-
#0 /#0
/)*32?9 - F#R)2-.
F#R)2-
-*?852 )*34 -*?R +2#R4
/)*32?9 - &R#'.
&R#'
-*?852 )*34 -*?R /#?32
/)*32?9 - F#R)2-.
F#R)2-
-*? )*34 -*?R &#&- W+20 -*? )*34
-*?R &#))3
-*?852 )*34 -*?R ;0'. -*?852 )*34
-*?R <R;9
3* 3#- &-2-&-2
Farley mo$es o((.
&R#'
W2 )*34 *?R +*2 #0' *?R F#;)-
-*?852 )*34 /*9#33;*0. 0*W
-*?8R2 )*3;0< 2
Farley turns.
F#R)2-
4+2 &234 4+;0< -*? /*?)' 252R '*
;3 ';2
/)*32?9 - &R#'.
&R#'
4+2 &234 4+;0< -*? /*?)' 252R '*
;3 ';2.
INT. 4FAITH FACTORY4 1<
/?4 &24W220 /)*32?93 *F &rad on (loor in strait!acket and Farley
standin% in tuCedo.
&R#' #0' F#R)2-
($oice o$er)
4+2 &234 4+;0< -*? /*?)' 252R
'* ;3 ';2.
F#R)2-
4ake no notice o( him. +e8s
mad.
&R#'
(splutterin%)
;8m as sane as you are. 3anerB
ac %rabs microphone.
#/
#nd he was only with us (or
a day.
/rowd !eers and lau%hs.
&2R4
(hal( to himsel()
4hey should be sent to the
'anube be(ore 'awn.
R#)9+
(sharply)
What@
&2R4
(cau%ht out)
0othin%. Just...memoriesB
Ralph con(ides to Farley"
R#)9+
We8ll edit the tapes. 4his
will ne$er see airplay.
(steps to microphone)
; hope r. Fla$ors will accept
apolo%ies on behal( o( 'enton
(or this un(ortunate incident.
2$eryone wants to be related
to the %reat.
F#R)2-
0o o((enseB *n the contrary.
this is a per(ect eCamples o(
what we8re here to combat.
(whispers to Janet)
4he choice is yours...
Janet looks (rom one to another. 3he chooses &rad. Farley indicates
the ,uartet o( &rad. Janet. *li$er and &etty. +e starts /+#04;0<.
F#R)2-
*utB *utB *utB
#udience picks up /+#04 until G*?4B *?4B *?4BG becomes a '2#F20;0< R*#R
and the ,uartet retreats in (ear o( their li$es. #udience roar turns to
/+22R3 as 9arker escorts the Fuartet o(( the set to the G'enton 'ossierG
o((ice where he shuts them in.
F#R)2-
(triumphant)
#nd the way we %ot rid o( that
dirty little dish is the way
we8re %oin% to put the rest o(
our house in order.
(tappin% his brain)
;ncludin% the ?934#;R3B
/+22R3. white do$es are released. 0eely nud%es &ert but Ralph %ets the
idea and pushes acy towards Farley.
F#R)2-
(to acy)
Would you care to !oin me up
here. iss. and help us
inau%urate the Farley Fla$ors
F#;4+ F#/4*R-. transmittin%
(rom coast to coast and (rom
continent to continent...step
up. please. iss...@
#/-
acy...acy 3truthers.
&etty %i$es the (in%er (rom the %lass door.
&244-
(with $enom)
Who lo$es you. &abyB
&R20'#8s *4+2R
(shouts out)
y &renda8s better than both o(
themB
&renda looks appalled. G&itsG are worried by the turn o( e$ents.
Janet8s om looks suicidal...'ad consoles.
*
What a ner$eB What a mouthB
'#'
3hut up. 2mily. and listen to
a success story.
022)-
(in tears)
; can8t stand it. 2$erythin%
%ood always happens to other
people.
0#4;*0
(sotto $oce to ac)
4his could be worse than the
old series.
#/
(sotto $oce to
0ation)
;n the old series we didn8t
ha$e a con$ertible.
+e rattles the keys.
F#R)2-
#nd remember. 3anity today
is the sprin%board to a
hy%ienic tomorrow.
#udience applauds.
F#R)2-
0ow will you !oin us down the
'.4.5. trail to '204*05#)2@
#?';20/2
-esB
*scar. &renda and the &its decline but e$eryone else storms into
colonnade path which is seen to (orm the entrance to the corridors.
3trait!ackets are handed out on entry. 0eely winds up her documentary.
022)-
#nd Fast Food <iant
Farley Fla$ors has %i$en
iss ental +ealth what can
only be described as an
o((icial kiss o( appro$al and
the crowd are lo$in% it as
they (ollow her down the
'enton$ale trail.
;n o((ice &rad indicates e$eryone disappearin% to 9arker. +e reacts and
rushes o(( a(ter 0eely who is trailin% with her lon%-su((erin% /rew.
&etty produces the hairpin and %ets to work on the lockO Janet and
*li$er undo the strait!acket on &rad.
4ANYHOW@ ANYHOW@4 11
&R#'
3*2 92*9)2 '* ;4 F*R /*9#33;*0
J#024
3*2 92*9)2 '* ;4 F*R 4+2 F#3+;*0
&R#'
3*2 92*9)2 '* ;4 4* &2 F?00-
J#024
3*2 92*9)2 '* ;4 F*R 4+2 *02-
*);52R
3*2 92*9)2 '* ;4 F*R 203)#52204
&244-
3*2 92*9)2 '* ;4 *0 4+2 9#52204
)ock turns. 'oor opens.
&244-
&?4
usic starts. 4hey stand. 4hey dance across colonnade to now-deserted
seatin% block.
F?#R424
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 #0-+*WB #0-+*WB
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 #0-+*WB #0-+*WB
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 -- 0* #442R
+*W 4+2 W;0' ;3 &)*W;0<
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 #0-+*WB #0-+*WB
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 #0-+*WB #0-+*WB
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 -- W2 J?34
<*44# 1229 <*;0<
3ittin% amon% debris le(t by #udience.
&R#' #0' J#024
3*2 92*9)2 '* ;4 F*R F*R 2#/+ *4+2R
*);52R #0' &244-
3*2 92*9)2 '* ;4 F*R F*R 4+2;R )*52R3
&R#' #0' J#024
3*2 92*9)2 '* ;4 F*R F*R ;9R*52204
*);52R #0' &244-
3*2 92*9)2 '* ;4 F*R *52204
&R#' #0' J#024
3*2 92*9)2 '* ;4 F*R F*R 20J*-204
*);52R #0' &244-
3*2 92*9)2 '* ;4 F*R F*R 29)*-204
4hey are !oined by *scar. &renda. <lish. 'rummer who ha$e been hidin% in
)appsy8s auto. 4hey repeat chorus. dancin% alon% colonnade towards
studio door"
*/424
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 #0-+*WB #0-+*WB
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 #0-+*WB #0-+*WB
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 -- 0* #442R
+*W 4+2 W;0' ;3 &)*W;0<
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 #0-+*WB #0-+*WB
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 #0-+*WB #0-+*WB
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 -- W2 J?34
<*44# 1229 <*;0<
INT. 4DENTONVALE4 SET 12
2I4R22 4*9 #0<)2 L**;0< 3)*W)- &#/1 FR* Farley. ac. 0ation. &ert.
Ralph. acy. Ricky. #nsalon%. om. 'ad and rs. 'rill celebratin% with
champa%ne in 'enton$ale o((ice. #s 3+*4 W;'203 we 322 #udience all in
strait!ackets. runnin% around the corridors in and out o( rooms. 4he
3+*4 W;'203 as does the chaos ?04;) ;4 4#123 ;0 the entire studio.
'204*0 /+*R?3
'204*0B '204*0B -*?852 <*4 0*
9R24204;*0
-*?8R2 W+2R2 4+2 +2#R4 ;3B -*?8R2
*1#-B
'204*0B '204*0B ;8' J?34 );12
4* 204;*0
-*?8R2 4+2 #//294#&)2 F#/2 *F 4+2
+?#0 R#/2
-*?8R2 '204*0B '204*0B...
'204*0 ?.3.#.
INT. STUDIO 1
4he octet are pushin% back the studio door re$ealin% the moon and a wet.
windy ni%htscape.
*/424
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 #0-+*WB #0-+*WB
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 #0-+*WB #0-+*WB
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 -- 0* #442R
+*W 4+2 W;0' ;3 &)*W;0<
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 #0-+*WB #0-+*WB
W28R2 <*00# '* ;4 -- W2 J?34
<*44# 1229 <*;0<
4hey head into the ni%ht.
*/424
W2 J?34 <*44# 1229 <*;0<
#n electric storm (lashes li%htnin%.
*/424
W2 J?34 <*44# 1229 <*;0<
3tudio doors slide closed.
20' 4;4)23.
F#'2 *?4
4+2 20'