Scene: The stairwell.

Leonard: So you see, what youre eating is not technically yoghurt, because it doesnt have enough
live acidophilus cultures. Its really just iced milk with carragenin added for thickness.
Penny: Oh, thats very interesting.
Leonard: Its also not pink and has no berries.
Penny: Yeah, but it doesnt really answer my question.
Leonard: What was your question again?
Penny: Do you want some.
Leonard: Oh, right, no, Im lactose intolerant.
Penny: Right.
Leonard: So, gas.
Penny: Got it.
Leonard: Well, good night. (They kiss. Camera cuts away to a wall mounted security cam above the
lift. Leonard spots its movement and shuffles Penny away.)
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: There was a draft.
Penny: I didnt feel a draft.
Leonard: Why dont we just go into your.
Penny: Oh, yeah, you know what, maybe we should just slow things down a little.
Leonard: No, no, I didnt mean to go into your apartment to go fast.
Penny: No, I know, I I know what you meant, its just its only our first date.
Leonard: Yeah, okay, sure, no problem, why dont we just figure out where were going, and when
we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time. Solve for R.
Penny: Or we could just wing it.
Leonard: That might work too.
Penny: Goodnight Leonard.
Leonard: Goodnight. (He throws the camera a dirty look.)
Cut to inside the apartment.
Raj: Hes coming. Screen saver.
Howard: Oh, hey, Leonard, how was your date?
Leonard: Bite me. Sheldon, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
Sheldon: They were clever, Leonard. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you
were doing.
Howard: You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your relationship
with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.
Leonard: What are you talking about, the date went fine.
Raj: Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.
Leonard: Okay, so, she said she wants to slow things down. Its like saying Im really enjoying this
meal, Im going to slow down and savour it.
Howard: No, its like this fish tastes bad, so Im going to slow down and spit it out.
Raj: You being the fish.
Leonard: Im not the fish.
Howard: Oh really, did you make a second date.
Leonard: Well, we sort of decided to wing it.
Sheldon: Oh, even I know thats lame.
Leonard: Okay, alright, lets assume your hypothesis. We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we
kissed, where could I have possibly gone wrong.
Howard: Think back, Leonard, the littlest things can set women off. Like, hey, the waitress is hot, I
bet we could get her to come home with us. Or, how much does your mom weigh, I want to know
what Im getting into.
Leonard: I didnt say anything like that.
Howard: Good, cos they dont work.
Raj: They also dont care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, thats my home run
swing.
Leonard: Look, everything went fine. I didnt even have to refer to my impromptu conversation
starters. The woman across the hall is into me.
Howard: Lets go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration,
pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.
Raj: Nice close up, by the way.
Sheldon: Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating
humans.
Leonard: Thats not a bad sign.
Sheldon: Please, you might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.
Raj: And the worst sign of all is, youre here and not there.
Leonard: Im not there because Im taking things slow. Which, by the way, compared to you guys
approaches warp speed. And take down that camera.
Raj: He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
Howard: Give him time.
Credits sequence
Scene: The laundry room. Sheldon is folding shirts.
Penny (entering): Hi.
Sheldon: Oh, hi Penny. FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine 2 so colours only, and 4 is still
releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle so Id avoid using that for your delicates.
Penny (tipping all her laundry into one machine at once): Thanks.
Sheldon: Oh, good Lord. Why dont you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with
a rock?
Penny: Sheldon, may I ask you a question?
Sheldon: I would prefer that you not, but I wont go so far as to forbid it.
Penny: Alright, I heard yes, so okay, heres my question, has Leonard ever dated, you know, a
regular girl.
Sheldon: Well I assume youre not referring to digestive regularity? Because Ive come to learn that
such inquiries are inappropriate.
Penny: No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasnt a braniac?
Sheldon: Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature.
Penny: How is that not a braniac?
Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.
Penny: So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating hell eventually get bored with me.
Sheldon: That depends.
Penny: On what?
Sheldon: Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Do you speak Klingon?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Do you know any card tricks?
Penny: Okay, okay, you know, I get it, Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress slash
actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.
Sheldon: Why would you lie about that?
Penny: Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didnt want him to
think I was some stupid loser.
Sheldon: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate?
Penny: You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college
graduates.
Sheldon: Yeah, but you were neither.
Penny: Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this.
Sheldon: Youre asking me to keep a secret?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Well Im sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret,
so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You cant
impose a secret on an ex post facto basis.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what
one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more
nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) Its a joke. It relies on the hominymic
relationship between tick the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic the involuntary muscular contraction. I
made it up myself.
Penny: Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment.
Sheldon: Physiologically impossible.
Penny: Oh Sheldon, please, look, Im asking you as a friend.
Sheldon: So youre saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain
confidences?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Sheldon: Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we
become friends?
Scene: The stairwell.
Sheldon: I.e, I couldnt become Green Lantern unless I was chosen by the guardians of Oa, but given
enough start-up capital and an adequate research facility, I could be Batman.
Leonard: You could be Batman?
Sheldon: Sure. (In a gravelly voice) Im Batman. See.
Penny (arriving): Hi guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon (looking the other way uncomfortably): Hi Penny.
Leonard: Hey, Penny, if youre not doing anything Friday night I thought maybe we could go and see
a movie.
Penny: Oh, um, you know, I think I have the dinner shift on Friday.
Leonard: What about Saturday?
Penny: You know, Im not sure, the manager hasnt posted the schedule yet, how about I let you
know.
Leonard: Great. So you just let me know when you know. So (she leaves) Oh God, I am the bad fish!
What did I do wrong?
Sheldon: Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other
than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things.(Runs away.)
Leonard (chasing him): What does that mean?
Sheldon: Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny
where obviously none exists.
Leonard: No I didnt.
Sheldon: I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir.
Leonard: Whats going on with you?
Sheldon: Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into
matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I
barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.)
Leonard: Whats wrong with your face?
Sheldon: Theres no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I said Good Day! (He leaves)
Leonard: Good day?
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory
Penny: Also today we have a fresh caught Alaska salmon, and thats served with a teriyaki glaze and
sticky rice. Our soup of the day
Sheldon (appearing behind her): You must release me from my oath.
Penny: Sheldon, Im working.
Sheldon: Why dont you take a minute to decide (leads her away) I cant keep your secret Penny. Im
going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance
triptych. Like a cheap suit.
Penny: Oh, look, why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?
Sheldon: Im constitutionally incapable. Thats why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious
government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake
agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about
from me.
Penny: Look, just forget I told you about me not graduating from community college. Okay?
Sheldon: Forget! You want me to forget? This mind does not forget. I havent forgotten a single thing
since the day my mother stopped breast feeding me. It was a drizzly Tuesday.
Penny: Okay, look, you promised me you would keep my secret so youre just going to have to figure
out a way to do it.
Scene: The apartment.
Sheldon (entering): Leonard, Im moving out.
Leonard: What do you mean, youre moving out? Why?
Sheldon: There doesnt have to be a reason.
Leonard: Yeah, there kind of does.
Sheldon: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of munchausens trilemma. Either the reason is
predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary
axiomatic statements, or its ultimately circular, i.e., Im moving out because Im moving out.
Leonard: Im still confused.
Sheldon: Leonard, I dont see how I could have made it any simpler.
Howard (entering): Hey, quest qwass up?
Raj: We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticised human cadavers.
Howard: And some of those skinless chicks were hot.
Sheldon: If youll excuse me, Im going to pack.
Howard: Thats kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
Leonard: Its not you, Howard, he says hes moving out.
Raj: What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Did you take a band aid off in front of him?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Did you buy generic ketchup, forget to rinse the sink, talk to him through the bathroom
door?
Raj: Adjust the thermostat, cook with cilantro, pronounce the T in often?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Did you make fun of trains?
Leonard: I didnt do anything, hes just gone insane.
Raj: Well, we all knew this day was coming.
Leonard: That was fast.
Sheldon: Its my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of
homeland security. And Sarah Connor.
Leonard: Where are you gonna live?
Sheldon: Until I find a permanent place I will stay with friends.
Howard: Bye (runs out.)
Raj: Well you cant stay with me, I have a teeny tiny apartment.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but isnt hosting guests an aspect of Menushya Yajna, one of the five central
religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder?
Raj: I hate trains.
Sheldon: Dont be ridiculous, you love trains.
Raj: Yes I do, come on. See you later Leonard. (Sheldon drops keys in bowl and leaves without a
word.)
Leonard: This could work.
Scene: Rajs apartment.
Sheldon: This is a very old building.
Raj: Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory.
Sheldon: Uh-oh.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Dont you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?
Raj: Not until now.
Sheldon: I cant believe I didnt bring my gieger counter. You know, I had it on my bed and I didnt
pack it.
Raj: Well, if youre not comfortable staying here, Sheldon
Sheldon: Im kidding, I packed it. It was a joke, I was subverting the conversational expectations. I
believe they call that the, um, old switcheroo.
Raj: Terrific.
Sheldon (referring to Bollywood singing on television): Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?
Raj: Yes, isnt she an amazing actress.
Sheldon: Actually, Id say shes a poor mans Madhuri Dixit.
Raj: How dare you. Aishwarya Rai is a Goddess. By comparison Madhuri Dixit is a leprous prostitute.
Sheldon: Sorry, I didnt mean to offend you. Obviously youre not that familiar with Indian cinema.
Scene: Howards house. The door rings.
Howard: Who is it?
Voice: Strippergram. (Howard opens door. Outside are Raj and Sheldon.)
Raj: Tag. Youre it. (Runs away.)
Howard: Shouldnt you have put him in a brown paper bag and set him on fire?
Scene: Howards bedroom. Howard is in bed, Sheldon is on a blow up mattress on the floor.
Sheldon: Ive never slept on an air mattress before. No lumbar support whatsoever.
Howard: Maybe youd be happier on a park bench?
Sheldon: I dont see any way to get a park bench in here.
Howard: Do you want to switch?
Sheldon: No, thats fine. Im perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle.
Howard: Get out of bed, were switching.
Sheldon: Now, only if you want to.
Howard: Just get in the bed!
Howards mother (off): Whats going on? Are you boys roughhousing?
Howard: Were just talking ma.
Howards mother: If you dont settle down right now, Im not going to let you have any more
sleepovers.
Howard: For Gods sake, ma, Im 27 years old. Its not even a school night! (To Sheldon)Comfy now?
Sheldon: Meh. That poster of Halle Berrys a little unnerving.
Howard: So dont look at it.
Sheldon: Shes like my fourth favourite catwoman.
Howard: No kidding?
Sheldon: Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her.
Howard: What about Lee Meriwether?
Sheldon: Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether.
Howard: Well Im glad thats settled.
Sheldon: That makes Halle Berry my fifth favourite catwoman. Theres Julie Newmar, Michelle
Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether
Howard: Please, Im begging you, go to sleep.
Sheldon: Im trying, Im counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies
though.
Howard: Oh for Gods sake.
Sheldon: But shes not my favourite of the X-Men, in order that would be Wolverine, Cyclops, oh
wait, I forgot Professor X. Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel, the Beast, oh
wait, Nightcrawler. Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel.
Scene: Sheldon and Leonards apartment. There is an urgent rapping at the door.
Leonard: Im coming! (Opens the door. Sheldon falls inside, wearing his pyjamas. Howard is outside.)
Sheldon: Hey, there he is, theres my old buddy-bud-bud.
Leonard: Whats with him?
Howard: Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldnt get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of
warm milk with a handful of my moms valium in it. But he still wouldnt shut up, so, tag, youre it.
Sheldon: Im ba-ack!
Leonard: I still dont know why you left.
Sheldon: I cant tell you.
Leonard: Why not.
Sheldon: I promised Penny.
Leonard: You promised Penny what?
Sheldon: That I wouldnt tell you the secret. Shhhhh!
Leonard: What secret. Tell me the secret.
Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we cant tell Dad.
Leonard: Not that secret, the other secret.
Sheldon: Im Batman. Shhhhh!
Leonard: Dammit, Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret, what was the secret.
Sheldon: Okay, Ill tell you, but you cant tell Leonard.
Leonard: I promise.
Sheldon: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid shes not smart
enough for Leonard.
Leonard: So its nothing I did? Its her problem?
Sheldon: I drank milk that tasted funny.
Leonard: Penny thinks Im too smart for her, thats ridiculous.
Sheldon: I know, most of your work is extremely derivative. Dont worry, thats not a secret.
Everybody knows.
Scene: The hallway. Leonard is outside Pennys door.
Penny (opening door): Hi.
Leonard: Yeah, hi, listen, I know whats been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.
Penny: What are you talking about.
Leonard: First I want to say that its not Sheldons fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if
Howard hadnt drugged him he would have taken it to his grave.
Penny: He told you?
Leonard: Yes, but its okay. Now that we know what the problem is, theres a simple solution. (Hands
her a brochure.)
Penny: Pasadena city college?
Leonard: A place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man heres playing hacky sack, and this
girls going to be a paralegal.
Penny: Wow, I get it, because Dr Leonard Hofstadter cant date a girl without a fancy college degree.
Leonard: Well, its really not that fancy, its just a city college.
Penny: Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?
Leonard: That doesnt matter to me at all.
Penny: So, its fine with you if Im not smart.
Leonard: Absolutely. (She slams the door in his face.) Okay, this time I know where I went
wrong. (Looking up and seeing the camera) Oh bite me!