You are on page 1of 49

1

1he h||mar|||on
What |s th|s? Slnce Lhe beglnnlng of !une 2013, l have Laken a greaL lnLeresL ln Lhe /sp/ Lrlp
user u1v. l have archlved hls posLs, and made Lhese archlves publlc, and celebraLed hlm ln
many ways, some of whlch l have made publlc, such as our 100
Lh
annlversary celebraLlons.
Powever, mosL of Lhe Lhlngs l have wrlLLen abouL hlm have no place ln Lhe publlc eye. 1hls ls
a collecLlon of prlvaLe works, sLorles, lmages, and oLher feaLures abouL u1v LhaL l cannoL
place anywhere else and am merely keeplng for my own usage and vlewlng.
Why U1V? u1v has someLhlng l cannoL explaln. Pe has a cerLaln magneLlsm, lf he
encounLered Lhe x-Man MagneLo he would be ln a greaL deal of danger. Pe ls funny,
lnLelllgenL, posLs ofLen enough LhaL l can archlve hls posLs wlLhouL any real problems. Pe
attracts me and he completes me. Note that this is not an attempt to dox or reveal UTVs
real ldenLlLy. l have no lnLeresL ln Lhose ldeals, and wanL u1v Lo be around for as long as
posslble so LhaL we can conLlnue our frulLful and boundless relaLlonshlp.
Why am I do|ng th|s? 8ecause u1v ls my passlon, my hobby and my soclal llfe. l love hlm
and l love archlvlng hls posLs. noLhlng can Lop Lhe feel, Lhe lncredlble happlness, whlch l geL
when l see hlm posL. 1haL feellng of slldlng a posL of hls lnLo Lhe collage, when lL flLs
perfecLly, lLs llke playlng 1eLrls buL lnsLead of blocks, l have funny, lnLelllgenL, wlsdom fllled
and wlLLy posLs. WrlLlng abouL hlm wlll only feed my appeLlLe for u1v. Archlvlng hls posLs
isnt enough. They are my bread and my butter but this is the salt and pepper on the
sandwlch LhaL splces lL up.
If th|s work |s ever d|scovered by someone, p|ease do not send |t to a pub||sher. *

*As I have dec|ded to share th|s work, th|s |s no |onger va||d


2



Who |s U1V? A qu|ck b|ography of my fr|end
1he flrsL Lhlng Lo say abouL u1v ls LhaL he ls a user on 4chans /sp/ board, buL more speclflcally, he
uses Lhe fooLball manager, or /Lrb/, Lhreads, as hls maln posLlng area. l have also used Lhls board for
a whlle buL generally wlLhouL purpose, wanderlng lonely as a cloud, unLll l found u1v. l had known
abouL hlm for a whlle, buL had noL reallsed whaL a greaL lndlvldual he acLually ls unLll l read hls /Lrb/
posLs. WlLhln Lhese Lhreads he becomes hlmself. He doesnt worry about what others think of him.
Pe acLs llke hlmself, and hlmself ls Lhe person who l admlre compleLely and wlll never allow Lo leave
my life. He has his gimmicks like any trip, but he isnt ruled by them. He is ruled by his own
personallLy, hls carlng, hls wllllngness Lo Lalk and Lo laugh and Lo [oke and Lo be frlends wlLh
everyone who deserves lL. Pls responses Lo oLher posLers wlLhln Lhe /Lrb/ Lhreads are Lhe sneezes
whlch lead Lo a pandemlc of hllarlous dlscusslon and flne /Lrb/ momenLs Lhe memorles of whlch wlll
lasL a llfeLlme.
What are h|s g|mm|cks?
Llke any 1rlp u1v does have hls glmmlcks and lf l refer Lo Lhem aL any polnL lL ls worLh havlng a
reference point so that they can make more sense. His first gimmick is his racism. He is called a
raclsL and lmplled LhaL he haLes people from oLher counLrles. 1hls ls purely a glmmlck of course,
even lf he does play up Lo lL, whlch he does ln Lyplcal, good naLured u1v fashlon, happlly allowlng
people Lo rlff on hlm ln order for Lhe Lhreads Lo fully flourlsh. A sub glmmlck of Lhls ls hls dlsLasLe for
Lhe ArgenLlnlan people and hls lnslsLence LhaL Lhey are ln facL black, and from a black counLry. Pe
ofLen uLlllses Lhls glmmlck wlLh hllarlous resulLs, le, clalmlng LhaL Messl ls a black man when he isnt,
and Lhe /Lrb/ Lhreads are a funnler place because of lL.
AnoLher one hls glmmlcks ls hls helghL. 1hls was seemlngly sLarLed by Crenvllle buL lL ls ofLen
claimed that he is a midget or otherwise short. Obviously UTV is actually a normal helghL, buL Lhls
mocklng abouL hls percelved shorLness, whlch would only be posslble over Lhe lnLerneL ([usL llke our
relaLlonshlp), has provlded many classlc and hllarlous u1v momenLs and ls anoLher Lhlng LhaL makes
hlm a more engaglng person. Seelng hlm desLroy Lhose who clalm he ls shorL ls a wonderful slghL
and someLhlng l wlll never Llre of seelng.
UTVs third gimmick is his misnamed filenames. He often changes his filenames so that they are not
descrlblng whaL Lhe lmage lLself shows. erhaps hls most famous ones include Annoyed Cat,
Flustered Fox and Pestered Platypus when he posts an image of a dog making a silly face. This is
always funny and u1v has ensured lL does noL become borlng by exLendlng lL Lo oLher Lhlngs, such as
plcLures of slmpsons characLers. Pe even preLends Lo mlsundersLand Lhlngs durlng casual
conversaLlon, such as clalmlng somebody else has posLed a plcLure of someLhlng whlch Lhey have
noL. lor example, lf someone posLed a plcLure of an Arsenal player celebraLlng a goal he mlghL
respond by saying Why is that West Ham player sad because his teammate died?. This is classic
u1v behavlour.
UTV is also a fan of Aston Villa. This isnt a gimmick as such although it leads to many of his finest
momenLs. Pe haLes Alex McLelsh and refers to him as McShit which can be played for humorous
effecL, he does Lhe same wlLh 8oy Podgson calllng hlm PodgshlL

3



1ab|e of Contents
4- AcknowledgemenLs
S- Ways Lo remember Lhlngs
6-8- 8aclsmMaps
9-1S- UTVs responses to my posts
14-21- Songs and poems abouL u1v
22-23- u1v funeral plans
24-26- u1v and me- a Lale of Lwo deLecLlves
27-u1v movle ldea 1
28- u1v comedy roasL rouLlne
29- Movlng ln LogeLher plans
30-31- Sun Sex and Susplclous archlvers
32- u1v Movle ldea 2
33- u1v ruse crulse
34-3S- Pow Lo make lL seemllke l llve wlLh u1v
36- Pow Lo make u1v en[oy my company more
37-39- u1v 8orschach LesLs
40- Spreadlng Cood feellng uslng u1v
41- Why does u1v llke Splderman?
42-43- 1he balL club
44- u1v feel plcLure
4S-47- 1he greaL u1v bank robbery
48- kenL SLool CharL
49- vldeos
S0-S1- u1v lnvenLlon ldeas
S2- 88C LlveLexL
S3-S4- LroLlkenL
SS-S7- u1v Mlnl Colf
S8-S9- WhaL has u1v learned from Lhe varlous vllla managers
60- u1v ransomnoLe
61-63- roLecLlng u1v
64-67- WhaL u1v sald before he rused me
68-74- lannlng a u1v clLy
7S- u1v and l as a daLlng webslLe
76-79- u1v dally posL counLs
80-8S- u1v fllename rundown
8S-97- ually u1v dlary

4



Acknow|edgements
llrsLly u1v, for belng my lnsplraLlon
Crenvllle, Ladford, Ml8, lella, 1he Cerman Lrlps, and preLLy much every oLher Lrlp, for helplng Lo glve
u1v a chance Lo show hls charlsma and welcomlng hlm lnLo Lhe /Lrb/ communlLy when lL would
have been easy Lo shun hlm as a Lyplcal /sp/ Lrlpfag.
Speclal mention for Grenville for allowing many of UTVs finest post. He has surely been the chopped
off finger used on the scanner of the high security door that is UTVs personality. For that I can only
Lhank and love hlm
1o MooL for creaLlng Lhls board on whlch l dlscovered a purpose
1o anonymous /Lrb/ers, especlally Lhe ones who glve u1v Lhe aLLenLlon he needs Lo conslsLenLly
make Lhe besL posLs he can
1o Mlles for creaLlng someLhlng LhaL can draw ln Lhe very besL men
1o MlcrosofL for creaLlng word
lor whoever owns the dog used in the famous flustered fox.jpg image, without this there wouldnt
be as much laughLer ln my world, hahaha.
1o my own famlly for noL requesLlng usage of my lapLop and prevenLlng me from conLlnulng on my
archlval

3



Ways to remember th|ngs
l flnd Lhlngs dlfflculL Lo remember and Lhls page ls dedlcaLed Lo uslng u1v- who ls memorable Lo me
and whose posLs l Lend Lo remember forever- ln order Lo overcome my lnablllLy Lo remember pleces
of lnformaLlon
1he |anets, p|us |uto
hil is. (Pluto)
Nlce (nepLune)
Unbellevable (uranus)
Superb (SaLurn)
Iolly (!uplLer)
Marvellous (Mars)
LxclLlng (LarLh)
Vlrlle (venus)
Ma[esLlc (Mercury)

M|crosoft Cff|ce Desktop App||cat|ons
hll (owerpolnL)
Lxcels (Lxcel)
In (lnfopaLh)
WlLLy (Word)
AnecdoLes (Access)
Laughs (Lync)
CfLen (CnenoLe)
SupporLs Dunne (SharepolnL ueslgner)
SusLalns a IanLasLlc (SharepolnL loundaLlon)
CuLlook (CuLlook)
roLecLs (ro[ecL)
Vulnerable (vlslon)
eople (ubllsher)




6





7





8





9



The Following are UTVs responses to my posts within Football Manager threads. I do not respond
directly to him often as I prefer to watch from afar as I do in my personal life, and I dont want him
fee||ng he has to |mpress me, however, somet|mes |t |s |mposs|b|e to res|st speak|ng to h|m, he |s a
naked woman and I must have a peek. As you can see, h|s responses to me are genera||y good
natured banter with humorous intention that show the sweet, tender relationship that we share
together, the he|ght of wh|ch was the 100
th
ann|versary we ce|ebrated as a coup||ng.




10





11




12





13








14



oems and song parod|es regard|ng U1V
Vo|ume 1
Alone l saL down
When l saw u1v posL
My llfe was repalred

L|mer|ck
1here once was a young hll from kenL
Who loved Lo call lrodo an LnL
Pe beL agalnsL vllla
ln a 3-1 1hrlller
1hey losL and hls money was senL

now I cope w|thout h|m
l sLare aL an empLy volume
lL sLares back aL me, blue as Lhe sea and drownlng me as Lhe sea would lf l were Lo fall ln
And also had never learnL Lo swlm
l wonder where he ls. Why has he lefL.
l sLare wlde mouLhed as Lhough l suffer wlLh a clefL.
8uL l know LhaL he wlll evenLually reLurn
Because he wouldnt betray me like this, as likely that is
As a 8eneke mlss.
8uL lLs Ck, l have my memorles of hll
I have everything weve been through together
And everyLhlng we wlll.
l Lhlnk back Lo when he haLed me and was appalled by my exlsLence
And l know Lhlngs are beLLer now. now he loves me
now he cares
So l walL. l wrlLe l slL and l waLch
lor anoLher berusLled bear
lf l drank l would do Lhls,
Whlle slpplng a ScoLch
And Lhere he ls, he [usL made a posL, l am glad he ls back
l wlll cap every posL
l love hlm.


13



A Sonnet for U1V
Pow can l explaln my deep seaLed love for u1v?
l could compare hlm Lo an AsLon vllla goal
8uL unllke a vllla goal u1v enllghLens me
l wanL hlm wlLh me always llke a benlgn mole

An AsLon vllla goal may noL always make me glggle
Whereas hll from kenL wlll always make me chuckle
WlLh each [oke he posLs and when hls regens geL a nlggle
under Lhe welghL of hll my hearLsLrlngs wlll buckle

The main reason I cant compare him to when vllla score
Is that I dont think of Villa goals when alone
Whereas UTVs posts rub cream on my soul when its sore
hll Lurns me Lo sofLness llke Medusa Lurns man Lo sLone

So long as u1v posLs and hls words manage Lo Lhrlve
1hen l wlll be Lhere for hlm updaLlng Lhe love archlve.

An Cde for Grenv|||e
1here ls a love l should noL have
Cne by all rlghLs l should avold
8uL Lhls love Lo me ls unavoldable llke squaLLlng Lo a Slav
Lven Lhough lL wlll come back Lo hurL me llke when Lance chose Lo rold
?ou see Lhls love l have ls a love of Crenvllle
UTVs arch enemy
l love Lhe way he geLs hll exclLed
And Lhough u1v preLends Lo haLe hlm llke a McLelsh 0-0
l see Lhe LruLh Lhey are llke Carl and Lenny
l am noL shorL slghLed

When Crenvllle posLs u1v does Loo
When Crenvllle [okes hll follows sulL
And for LhaL Crenvllle l love you
?ou help make u1v a hooL
WlLh your lrlsh slang and haLe for 8rlLaln
?ou geL hll rlled up
Ch yes you do
And every day l feel more smlLLen
l never wanL you Lo sLop
l love you



16



Song arod|es
Who needs the transfer thread (who needs the
or|g|na||y)
!"#$% %'() *'+,- ./ %+() .0 123 4'4/("% 56"/7 7/5,$%$() #$% (' ,'()/7 ,$8/% '+"/7 9%:9 ./;5+%/ #/
;5( ./ #$4%/,6 *$"#$( 9"7.9<

?ou see, wheLher fan group, off or onllne, or a 8n meeLlng, theres no community Ive been to that
Id rather call my home

When l flrsL arrlved you all clrcle[erked
But now Ive come to lovvve
?our qulrks,

Mlbby wlLh hls ass noL LlghL,
Morz wlLh Lhongs hls sls sLalned whlLe
lella asks abouL our saves, Ladford goes Lo nlghLclub raves
Grenvilles a delightful paddy, you wont leave me like my daddy
Grenville: Haha, youre OK

Who needs Lhe Lransfer Lhread, now Llme Lo work your head,
Oh wont you rhyme with me?
Who needs Lhe Lransfer Lhread?
Ladford: 1hey klll Lhelr banLer dead
Mlb: 1helr rumours are mlslead
Fella: I believe nothing theyve said
Grenville: The transfer thread is real doh

Who needs Lhe Lransfer Lhread?
noL meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
lorgeL Lhe Lransfer Lhread
Coodbye Lo Lransfer Lhread
Who needs Lhe Lransfer Lhread?
noL me!

17





k|ng of h||||p (k|ng of I|re or|g|na||y)
Love ls a burnlng Lhlng
And lL makes a hllllpy rlng
Cbsessed by a wonderful Lrlp
l fell lnLo a rlng of hllllp

l fell lnLo a burnlng rlng of hllllp
WlLh each flusLered fox my hearL began Lo sllp
And lL burns burns burns Lhe rlng of hllllp
1he rlng of hllllp

l fell lnLo a burnlng rlng of hllllp
WlLh each flusLered fox my hearL began Lo sllp
And lL burns burns burns Lhe rlng of hllllp
1he rlng of hllllp

MosL posLs, from hll are sweeL
l archlve Lhem all neaL
l fell for you llke a chlld
Ch my hllllp ls wlld

l fell lnLo a burnlng rlng of hllllp
WlLh each flusLered fox my hearL began Lo sllp
And lL burns burns burns Lhe rlng of hllllp
1he rlng of hllllp

And lL burns burns burns Lhe rlng of hllllp
1he rlng of hllllp
1he rlng of hllllp
1he rlng of hllllp


18



Unt|t|ed U1V story (8|g Iron or|g|na||y)
1o Lhe qualnL Lhread of Lrollball rode a sLrange Lrlp one flne day
Pardly spoke Lo folks around hlm really en[oyed posLlng balL
no one dared Lo ask hls buslness no one dared Lo be a praL
8ecause Lhe Lrlpfag Lhere among Lhem had posLed an annoyed caL
osLed an annoyed caL

lL was early ln Lhe mornlng when he posLed ln Lhe Lhread
Pe came rldlng from ouLer /sp/ slowly lookln all around
Hes a shlLposLer loose and runnln came Lhe whlsper from each chap
And hes here to do some business with the picture of a cat
lcLure of a caL

ln Lhese Lhreads posLed an lrlshman by Lhe name of Crenvllle Creen
Many men had argued wlLh hlm and Lo each one he was mean
Pe was vlclous and a monsLer Lhough ln love wlLh Ceorgle 1arr
And on his /trb/ save hed played through twenty years and more
1wenLy years and more

now Lhe Lrlpfag sLarLed Lalklng nobody was mlslead
Was an ouLer /sp/ legend now ln Lhe Lrollball Lhread
Pe came here Lo flnd a paddy who loved forclng shorLness memes
And he said it didnt matter that he was after Grenville Green
AfLer Crenvllle Creen

Wasnt long before the story was relayed to Grenville Green
But he didnt worry had bullied others through hls screen
Many men had Lrled Lo beaL hlm many men had been ouL played
Crenvllle had Lhe feroclous passlon of Lhe l8A
Cf Lhe l8A

1he mornlng passed so qulckly lL Llme for Lhe clash of heads
lL would go for many weeks and would ruln many Lhreads
Anons sLopped posLlng durlng Lhe flghL, Mlnlfrldge posLed glfs
They knew that UTV couldnt beat Grenville the myth
8eaL Crenvllle Lhe myLh

AfLer many hundreds of Lhreads Lhe Lwo sLopped Lhelr debaLe
uefeaL by hll from kenL was Crenvllles evenLual faLe
Crenvllle had haLed 1haLcher and made Wllly Wonka [okes
8uL hll was a rusemasLer and lnLo a snafu Crenny was coaxed
A snafu he was coaxed



19



lL was over hllllp had won and Lhe anons gaLhered round
1here before Lhem lay Lhe prlde of lreland on Lhe ground
Ch he mlghL have wenL on posLlng buL he acLed llke a praL
When he Lrled Lo beaL Lhe Lrlpfag and hls annoyed caL
Pls annoyed caL

Stop never (1ay|or Sw|ft song or|g|na||y)
l remember when l archlved Lhe flrsL posLs
?ou sald, would you fuck off you sad cunL, cause llke,
You didnt know that I was just in love
?ou posLed a foxes face
1hen you saw me posL agaln and sald
Sad CunL, ?ou sLop Lhls and sLop sLalklng me, you prlck
8emember how pesLered you were LhaL day?
I say I love you I archive, my volumes, you haLe me

Coh l archlved more posLs lasL nlghL
But ooh, this time Im telling you Im telling you

l am never ever ever, gonna sLop ever
l am never ever ever gonna sLop ever
?ou go flghL wlLh Crenvllle, flghL wlLh lella, flghL wlLh Morz
8uL l am never ever ever, gonna sLop ever

Llke, ever

l really really love when you plck flghLs,
ShouLlng abouL 8enLeke wlLh all your mlghL,
And when you posL a plcLure of a fluffy dog,
WlLh a fllename someLhlng llke harrowed hog

?ou called me a sad cunL agaln lasL nlghL
8ut ooh, this time Im telling you Im telling you

l am never ever ever, gonna sLop ever
l am never ever ever gonna sLop ever
?ou go flghL wlLh Crenvllle, flghL wlLh lella, flghL wlLh Morz
8uL l am never ever ever, gonna sLop ever





20



I archive UTV (youve got a fr|end |n me)
l archlve u1v
l archlve u1v
When hes posting a stressed shrew
And hes angry at Miles
lor belng a !ew
I just archive every post thats new
8oy, l archlve u1v
l archlve u1v
l archlve u1v
l archlve u1v
Pe haLes ClLy, Lhen l haLe em Loo
There isnt anything that I wouldnt do for U(tv)
We sLlck LogeLher and we see lL Lhrough
l archlve u1v
l archlve u1v

Some oLher Lrlps mlghL be a
LlLLle blL smarLer Lhan he ls
ShlLposL a blL less Loo
Maybe
8uL none of Lhem wlll ever love me Lhe way you do
lLs me and you
And as Lhe years go by
My archlves wlll never dle
l Lake no rlsk
uL Lhem on a dlsc
l archlve u1v
l archlve u1v
l archlve u1v

21




When he |oved me
!= *7$"/ "#$% ./;5+%/ = 54 %5- "#5" 123 #5% ('" :'%"/- 4+;# 7/;/(",0> 2#/ '7$)$(5, %'() $% 67'4 2'0
?"'70 @<
When u1v loved me
LveryLhlng was beauLlful
Lvery posL he made ln Lrollball
lnLo my archlves
And when he was mad
l was Lhere Lo cap lL all
And when he was happy, so was l
When he loved me
1hrough hls debaLes wlLh Crenvllle
l had Lo archlve, my frlend hll
When he mlsnamed hls flles
A dog was a bored bee
When vllla played crappy
l was Lhere Lo comforL hlm
And l knew LhaL he loved me
So Lhe weeks wenL by
l sLayed Lhe same
8uL he played on C1A
And l was lefL alone
SLlll l walLed for Lhe day
When hed say
l prefer Lrollball
Lonely and forgoLLen
I never thought hed post again
Pe came ln and called me sad cunL
!usL llke he used Lo do
Llke he loved me
When he loved me
When u1v loved me
LveryLhlng was beauLlful
Lvery volume l spenL archlvlng
Llves wlLhln my hearL
When he loved me




22



Iunera| p|ans |f the worst shou|d happen to U1V
l am well aware LhaL one u1v may dle. l do noL wanL lL Lo happen and Lhls page should noL be
lnLerpreLed as LhaL posslblllLy, buL l belleve he ls sllghLly older Lhan me and l have no vlslons where l
am no longer by hls slde, so wheLher he dles ln 60 years or 60 mlnuLes, from old age or alcohol
polsonlng celebraLlng a vllla LlLle wln, whlchever comes flrsL, l am golng Lo ensure LhaL l plan hls
funeral. 1hls wlll lnclude parlour layouL and a Lulogy.
Mood
The mood of UTVs funeral will have to fit the type of person LhaL he ls. Pe ls a llghL hearLed, [okey
lndlvldual, always maklng people laugh and mlsdlrecLlng Lhem. erhaps lL would be adverLlsed as a
wedding to his favourite female Karen Gillian as the final humorous ruse. The effigies would
lnvolve [okes and sLorles abouL u1v, hls debaLes wlLh Crenvllle, hls lnlLlal lnLroducLlon Lo Lhe wlder
/sp/ communlLy, and so on and so forLh.

Who to |nv|te
Obviously UTVs family will be the first to be invited to this funeral as well as the Aston Villa team at
Lhe Llme. Powever, only some regular /Lrb/ Lrlps could aLLend Lhe funeral whlch would be held ln
UTVs beloved Kent. The trips I would invite to the funeral are

Purgatory (not a /trb/ trip but a close friend of UTVs)
Chelsea Manager (Lhe same from whaL l remember of ouLer /sp/)
Crenvllle
Ml8
lella
Lvery 8rlLlsh /Lrb/er, ln facL, excepL Ladford who would be bored by Lhe lack of popular muslc, he
also sLruggles Lo show respecL
MosL Luropean Lrlps

Amerlcan Lrlps would have Lo prove Lhey could aLLend ln order Lo be lnvlLed.

Lu|ogy
This is only a draft, please note. I would use some of UTVs best posts and read them aloud in order
Lo show Lhe Lype of person LhaL he ls.

How can I hound Given out of the club? Theres no way Im paying him 5.5 million to LermlnaLe hls
contract. This quote, from UTVs archives, shows his determination and will to succeed. He was
wllllng Lo do anyLhlng he had Lo, ln hls llfe, and LhaL ls why he was such a rouslng success as AsLon
vllla manager and as a /Lrb/ Lrlp. hll was a man of honour, of noblllLy, buL never a man of
uptightness or over seriousness, he was willing to mock himself, Keep me updated on your paki
smashlng llnlandbro, [usL one of many examples of Lhe man mocklng hlmself. Cver Lhe years, l goL
Lo know hlm very well, as a compleLely self aware, always looklng Lo lmprove hlmself, and carlng
man. I cant really say too much, so please watch this presentation of his greatest posts, and then,
hls parenLs wlll say a few shorL words, belng Lhe people who know hlm besL after myself

23




ar|our Layout

















1he four blue boxes represenL seaLlng. lamlly on Lhe rlghL, /Lrb/ers on Lhe lefL, and oLher
assorLed guesLs on Lhe oLher Lwo seaLlng areas. 1he mlddle ls Lhe open caskeL whlch wlll be lefL
as open as u1v was durlng hls llfe. 1he sLand on whlch Lulogles wlll be glven wlll be sLraddled
over Lhe caskeL so LhaL Lhe people hll cares abouL can sLand above hlm as Lhey speak abouL hls
llfe
24



U and me 1V: A ta|e of two detect|ves
Act 1- ro|ogue
o||ce stat|on |nter|or- Camera shows a b|ood covered f|oor. It s|ow|y zooms up, revea||ng po||ce
tape and a group of |nvest|gators. 1he source of the b|ood |s a doub|e bed |n the bedroom. 4 men
||e |n the bed. 1hey are underneath a p|ast|c sheet wh|ch covers the|r naked bod|es. 1he camera
pans to show two off|cers. 8oth are of average he|ght, around 6 feet |n he|ght. 1he one on the |eft,
kentsab|e h||, |s buff, w|th |arge musc|es handsome |ooks. n|s partner, Cff|cer h|| Smate, |s
th|nner and s||ght|y shorter, |ook|ng up to U1V both phys|ca||y and menta||y.
k- SmaLe, l wanL Lhe lowdown of whaL happened here my old frlend

CS- Four bodies. On the bed. Carvings in the chests. We dont know what they say until the camera
zooms in on them, which it cant do until youve had a look. You are the leader here.

Cff|cer Smate pu||s the sheet from the bod|es, revea||ng the carv|ngs |n each mans chest. Camera
zooms in on the markings which say Isco on the first man, Rooney on the second man, Van
Persie on the third man, and De Rossi on the fourth.

k- WhaL? WhaL Lhe hell ls Lhls?

CS- As far as we can Lell, Lhe carvlngs are each Lhe name of a player who ManchesLer ClLy have falled
Lo slgn ln Lhe lasL few years. lLs lucky Lhey never wenL ln for venegoor of Pessellnk or Lhls whole
room would have fllled wlLh guLs and blood.

k- Thats fucklng dlsgusLlng. uo we have any leads? l am able Lo deducL wlLh my lncredlble
reasonlng, and Lhe loglcal skllls whlch see me wln every argumenL l have wlLhln /Lrb/ Lhreads, LhaL
Lhe klller ls probably an upseL ManchesLer ClLy fan. 8uL where dld he go? lf only we had someLhlng
LhaL would allow us Lo see any oLher poLenLlal clues as Lo hls whereabouLs.

Cff|cer Smate p|cks up a sma|| UV ||ght and hands |t to kentstab|e h||

k- WhaL ls Lhls SmaLe?

CS- Thats my UltraTinyViolet light

k- Its its your UTv?

C- Thats not my UTV.. you are!

23




kentstab|e h|| s|ghs |oud|y as Cff|cer Smate sm||es warm|y at the re|at|onsh|p they have together.
h|| p|cks up the ||ght and sh|nes |t, revea||ng footsteps wh|ch |ead out of the w|ndow

k- 1he fooLsLeps lead ouLside. The suspect went out of the window. So, hes either a person with
Lhe sLrengLh Lo cllmb, or ArgenLlnas chances of clalmlng Lhe lalklands!

CS- Cood one slr, you sure love Lo sLlck lL Lo Lhose ArgenLlnes. We need Lo follow hlm. We can use
Lhls Lorch. Itll be good for shadowing the suspect

k- WhaL do you mean?

CS- Were going to use it FORESHADOWING the suspect. This blue torch made in Manchester will be
good foreshadowlng.

k- Ch l see.

CS- lf only we could flnd ouL whaL Lhese people were dolng here wait,whats this?

Smate wa|ks over to the rooms computer and opens the m|n|m|sed |nternet tab, revea||ng a
Cra|gs||st advert

CS- 1hls ls an adverL for a gay flvesome.

k- But there are only four bodies, so

CS- So Lhe klller lnvlLed men over wlLh Lhe promlse of sex Lhen bruLally murdered Lhem.

k- Wait.. Ive seen this before. Once before. They call him the Manchester City Missed Targets
Murderer

CS- That isnt a very good nickname

k- Yeah the media didnt have a good time with it, it never really Look off wlLh Lhe publlc. robably
why you never heard of lL.

CS- Can you Lell me Lhe sLory of Lhe lasL Llme you came lnLo conLacL wlLh hlm?

k- Never. Dont you dare ask me about that.

26





CS- OK. Sorry. You know Id never do anything to hurt you. Weve worked so many cases together.
uone so much wlLh one anoLher. So many cases. know l wlll never hurL you. WhaLever happens Lo
me, or whaLever happens Lo you, we wlll always be besL frlends, and maybe one day someLhlng
more. Ive been there on your besL days and your worsL days, ln Lhe background looklng ouL for you.
?ou are my frlend.

1he two men cudd|e. 1he other po||cemen |n the room |ook at them embrac|ng and mock them.
One policemen can be heard yelling insults like PoliceMAN! more like Pull his cock!. The other
po||cemen share a |augh, thus|y expos|ng the |nst|tut|ona||sed rac|sm w|th|n the po||ce force.
Officer Smate kisses the Kentstable on the neck. The two men then share a French kiss

CS- 1haL was a greaL lrench klss

k- l know. I dont even like the French, I hate those fucking turtles!

CS- Dont you mean fro. AHHHH!

k- l know, l know. Anyway, we should really geL back Lo Lhe case aL hand. Maybe lf we go ouLslde
well be able to see some clues and track down the killer.

1he kentstab|e pushes h|s f|nger |nto a corpse and ||cks |t

k- Its still warm, hes close.


27





28



U1V comedy roast rout|ne
1here ls a good chance LhaL one day l wlll aLLempL Lo organlse a comedy roasL for u1v, lnvlLlng all hls
frlends and relaLlves Lo [oyfully laugh aL hlm ln a good naLured way. l am uslng Lhls page Lo prepare a
comedy rouLlne relaLed Lo Lhls roasL. lL wlll be observaLlonal comedy as Lhls ls whaL seems Lo be
popular among Lhe people of 8rlLaln ln 2013.
1he rout|ne
Hey ladies and grenvillemen! Im here today to talk about UTV! Have you ever noticed how the vast
majority of UTVs post are responses to other peoples posLs and noL posLs creaLed from scraLch
maklng a new polnL? lLs llke he prefers Lo conLrlbuLe afLer Lhe conversaLlon has already sLarLed! l beL
this indicates shyness in real life am I right folks? You know what else Ive noticed? Whenever he
recommends dubs for a team, he picks one he doesnt like! Like Bradford, Birmingham or Celtic!
Whats the deal with that? I bet if I asked him for dinner recommendations hed recommend food he
doesnt like! Hey Grenville stop talking in the back you little devil. Weve got a great show lined up
for you today folks, were going to laugh at UTV and its going to be amazing and hes going to be a
great sport about it because thats just the kind of guy he is! Introducing our first act, hes a fan of
Lhe Loffees and now hes going to chew up Phil, its time for some Goodison Lark, Fella everybody!

AL Lhls polnL we would hand over Lo lella and hls rouLlne and would conLlnue around all Lhe people
who have a bit on UTV. Then I would do another bit, to wrap up, which would lnvolve harsher
more lnsulLlng comedy whlch l undersLand ls consldered Lo be humorous ln Lhe seLLlng of a comedlc
roasL. Cbvlously lL musL be noLed LhaL l do noL hold Lhese oplnlons buL Lhey are oplnlons oLhers may
agree wlLh and Lhusly laugh ln agreemenL.
What a great roast everyone! I bet UTV is feeling really offended. Hell probably just make a face
and posL some fucklng reLarded sLupld unfunny fllename ln an aLLempL Lo mask hls depresslon aL Lhe
fact that weve managed to attack his entire personallLy wlLhln an lncredlble shorL wlndow! l Lhlnk l
looked at him during the show and he had tears in his eyes mumbling le epic maymay in an attempt
Lo convlnce hlmself LhaL everyone of Lhe gaplng flaws ln hls horrlble, dlsgusLlng personallLy are [usL
Lhe other /trb/ers attempting to create memes so that they dont get bored when in actual fact
everything ever said about him is the truth and he should be ashamed of everything he is!
AL Lhe end l would call for applause for hlm for belng such a greaL sporL and we would hug and klss
on Lhe llps Lhen Lhe crowd would applaud us and we would leave.
otent|a| Cne L|ners re|at|ng to U1V I cou|d use
What do UTVs trb posts volume 187 and a football pitch without any goals have in common! They
boLh lack posLs!
WalLer, waiter, UTVs trb posts volume 28 is in my soup! Oh wait sorry, its Robbie Keane in an
Lngland shlrL, l musL have been confused because Crenvllle has nlghLmares abouL boLh of Lhem
How do you know that UTVs trb posts volume 200 has been in the fridge? 8ecause of Lhe fooLprlnLs
ln Lhe burger u1v made for me on Lhls daLe!
29



|an for |f U1V and I move |n together
Cne day l wlsh Lo meeL u1v ln person. As such, l Lhlnk lL would make sense Lo plan Lhe layouL for our
home when we evenLually do. We would probably llve ln an aparLmenL aL flrsL, wlLh u1v worklng
and me sLaylng home Lo conLlnue my archlvlng and wrlLlngs abouL hlm and looklng afLer our peL
annoyed caL. 1hls ls a plan for a 7 room aparLmenL LhaL we could poLenLlally share.






















Llvlng room and hallway
kenLchen
Maln 8edroom
Spare
8edroom
8aLhroom
My sLudy
u1v llbrary and
general archlve
As you can see, Lhe house wlll have a falrly sLandard layouL wlLh a couple of excepLlons. Powever, Lhere are a
number of reasons for Lhe selecLed ouLlay of Lhe home. 1he klLchen, or kenLchen as l have cleverly dubbed lL, ls
dlrecLly nexL Lo Lhe door so LhaL when u1v comes home from a hard day aL work l can lnsLanLly prepare Lhe sorL of
food he ls used Lo from hls chlldhood. 1he spare bedroom ls ln use for when we lnlLlally move ln and are
uncomforLable sleeplng ln Lhe same room, and evenLually when we adopL a chlld.
l wlll have a sLudy so LhaL l can work on my wrlLlng abouL u1v from home and archlve any /Lrb/ posLs he makes aL
work. l wlll also have hlm bulld me a llbrary wlLh hls sLrong arms and l would puL my archlves of hls posLs ln Lhere
as a paper copy. 1hls room would be covered ln meLal walls so LhaL noLhlng could desLroy lL.
30



Sun Sex and Susp|c|ous arch|vers
1he Lelevlslon show Sun Sex and Susplclous parenLs on 88C3 follows Lhe parenLs of Leenagers as
Lhey follow Lhelr chlldren Lo popular hollday resorLs and waLch whaL Lhey geL up Lo. l have ofLen
wondered whaL u1v geLs up Lo when he goes on hollday and am Lhusly golng Lo wrlLe abouL Lhls,
with me in place of UTVs parent. This wont be an entire episode transcript and will just include
lmporLanL ploL polnLs.
1oday on Sun Sex and Susp|c|ous arch|vers, h|| from kent goes on a |ads ho||day to the sun, sea
and sex capital of Europe, Zante. But what he doesnt know is that his faithful archiver is going to
be there w|th h|m, watch|ng h|s every move!
!"#$%" '()* )+ ,++)"-$ +, " #". /. " 0/11" *2/%) *(%%+(.3$3 45 2/* ,%/$.3* 3%/.6/.- "1'+2+1/'
beverages and snogging females. The camera then cutes to UTVs archiver and the announcer
#$.)/+.* )2") 2/* "%'2/7$% 2"* '$%)"/. $89$')")/+.* +, :;0 <2/1$ 2$ /* +. 2/* 1"3* 2+1/3"5
Arch|ver- My Phil is a troublemaker. Hes a nice lad though, and I trust him, even if he is cheeky aL
times. Im not an idiot, I know what lads get up to, boys will be boys and all that. If he wants to get
drunk, bring a girl back, anything like that, I wont mind. However, there are some things I dont
want to see. I dont want to see him letting anyone else archive him. I dont want to see him getting
a tattoo with my name on it even if that is what hes always wanted, if hes getting a tattoo hes
geLLlng one wlLh one of hls posLs on lL because Lhose are Lhlngs you wanL Lo be able Lo remember
forever. Ch, and Lhe one Lhlng l do nC1 wanL Lo see ls hll sLarLlng an argumenL abouL ChrlsLlan
Benteke. He isnt himself when he does that.
So thats what archiver wants, but lets meet Phil and his mates. Gregarious Grenville, Fun Fella,
and Sens|b|e Sant|no
;2$ '"#$%" *2+<* )2$ ,+(% 1"3* 3%/.6/.- ".3 '2"))/.- ") " 9(4= >) )2$. '()* )+ :;0 -/7/.- ".
/.)$%7/$< "4+() <2") 2$ <".)* ,%+# )2$ 2+1/3"5
U1V- Im away from my archiver for a week, and its time to get wild. Im gonna go out, talk to
women- Maybe even flnd someone else to archive my posts. This week, Im not Phil from Kent. Im
hll, Cod SenL. Cod senL Lo Lhe women of ZanLe
;2$ *2+< '+.)/.($*= >) *2+<* )2$ 1"3* -+/.- +. 2+1/3"5 ".3 )2$ "%'2/7$% -+/.- )+ ?".)$ 4$2/.3
2/#= ;2$ ,/%*) ./-2) /* 7$%5 *)".3"%3@ A%$.7/11$ -$)* 3%(.6 ".3 *)"%)* <2+11$%/.- "4+() .+.*$.*$@
B$11" 9(11* <2$. 2$ "*6* " -/%1 2+< 2$% *"7$ /* -+/.- ".3 *2$ #/*2$"%* /) "* 2+< 2$% *2"7$ /* -+/.-
".3 /.7/)$* 2/# )+ *$$ 2$% 2"/%1$** 7"-/."1 "%$"@ ".3 C".)/.+ '+#91"/.* "4+() )2$ ,"') )2") .+4+35
/* ,+'(**/.- ".3 3/*'(**/.- ,++)4"11 #"."-$%= :;0 "')* '2$$65 1/6$ 2$ .+%#"115 3+$*= D/* "%'2/7$% /*
7$%5 9%+(3 +, 2/* 4$2"7/+(% ",)$% 2$ 2$19* '"%%5 )2$ 3%(.6$. A%$.7/11$ 4"'6 )+ )2$ "9"%)#$.)=

31




;2$ *$'+.3 ./-2) 4$-/.* ".3 4$,+%$ 1+.- :;0 /* )"16/.- )+ " -/%1= ;2$ *'$.$ ,"3$* )+ 41"'6 ".3 -+$*
)+ )2$ .$8) #+%./.- </)2 2/* "%'2/7$% <")'2/.- )2$ ,++)"-$ +. " 1"9)+9
Arch|ver- Oh hes talking to a girl. Thats my UTV, thats what I expect. Whats he talking to her about
l wonder.
;2$ ,++)"-$ *2+<* :;0 ".3 )2$ -/%1 *.$"6/.- "<"5 /.)+ )2$ 4"'6 )+/1$)*= >) )2$. *2+<* )2$#
,+.31/.- <2$. :;0 <2/*9$%* *+#$)2/.- /.)+ )2$ -/%1* $"%= :;0 %$"'2$* /.)+ 2/* 4++64"- ".3 )"6$*
+() E 1"9)+9*
Arch|ver- What? Whats he doing? I dont think people have sex like this
;2$ ,++)"-$ *2+<* :;0 1+"3/.- (9 " F)%4F )2%$"3 ".3 9+*)/.- /. /)= ;2$ -/%1 )2$. *)"%)* 9())/.- 2/*
9+*)* /.)+ " '+11"-$= ;2/* 2"99$.* ,+% GH #/.()$* )2$. :;0 1$"7$* )2$ 4")2%++# )+ '2$$%* +,
"99%+7"1 ,%+# 2/* 9"%)5
Arch|ver-Oh no. This is what I didnt want to see. I fucking to Im sorry, pardon my French. I told
him not to do this for Gods sake. Why would he do this to me? I dont understand. Look I dont want
to carry on filming. He betrayed my trust. I know hes a lad on holiday but Christ surely he could
Lhlnk before he does someLhlng llke Lhls. Who ls LhaL whore? She fucklng has a plnk background on
her volumes. She doesnt know anything about him. She isnt good enough for him
UTVs archiver gets up and leaves the room followed by the camera crew and the show -+$* )+ "
I(/'6 "37$%)/*/.- 4%$"6


32





33




34



Ways to make myse|f fee| c|oser to U1V
Its obvious to me that I cant feel as close to UTV as possible through a computer screen. I am going
Lo aLLempL Lo make lL seem as Lhough u1v and l share a home by uslng varlous Lechnlques whlch l
wlll documenL here.
L|st of chores
1he flrsL way l am maklng myself feel llke l llve wlLh u1v ls leavlng ouL a llsL of chores for hlm Lo do,
for example dolng Lhe dlshes and Laklng ouL Lhe blns. l lnLenLlonally wlll noL do Lhese chores so LhaL l
feel as Lhough u1v ls slmply sklpplng Lhem


33



Labe|s on food
l am also golng Lo leave labels on food LhaL sLaLe Lhey belong Lo u1v. 1o make lL more reallsLlc Lhey
wlll be hllarlously mlsnamed, wlLh Lhe milk called Orange Juice and I cant Believe its not Butter
called 8uLLer.





36



now to make U1V en[oy my company more
Whlle lL ls obvlous LhaL u1v loves my company a greaL deal, lLs worLh conslderlng ways Lo make hlm
en[oy my aLLenLlon and love even more Lhan he currenLly does. l have been readlng female
magazines in an attempt to use their logic for making men like women in a similar way. Thats not to
say l wanL a homosexual relaLlonshlp wlLh u1v, [usL someLhlng close Lo LhaL.
Damse| |n D|stress
1he first thing that Ive learnt is that men love a damsel in distress, or in other words, a female who
has real Lrouble and ls ln need of help. Accordlng Lo lovepanky magazlne Lhls ls because men llke Lo
be LreaLed llke men, and Lhls ls boughL ouL when Lhey are glven Lhe chance Lo ald a woman wlLh
someLhlng. lL makes Lhem feel llke Lhe superlor gender and Lhls makes Lhem more aLLracLed Lo Lhe
woman and makes Lhem en[oy Lhelr company more. Men slmply love Lo be needed.

l could use Lhls Lo make u1v llke me more. 1here are many ways l could preLend Lo need help. lor
example, I could beg UTV to post a certain image, because it wouldnt load for me and I need to fill a
gap ln one of my volumes. Cr maybe l could ask hlm Lo posL a cerLaln Lype of message for a speclal
collage LhaL l am worklng on. 1hls wlll make hlm see me as Lhe dlsLressed damsel LhaL l am and he
would be more frlendly Lhan he already ls.

Laughter
Accordlng Lo all womens Lalk, laughLer and happlness wlll make a man more llkely Lo en[oy your
company. l am noL a naLurally smlllng lndlvldual, l do noL en[oy smlllng or laughLer as much as many
people ln Lhe world. Powever, l may aLLempL Lo use laughlng acronyms such as lol and lmao when
posting my volumes in response to UTVs posts in the volume so thaL he sees me as someone who
would be en[oyable Lo be around. 1hls would also boosL our relaLlonshlp a greaL deal.

ract|se M|rror|ng Strateg|es
All womens talk also recommends this as a way to attract a man. It wouldnt be hard to do this. In
facL l belleve kyle LafferLles 8oboL uance has been pracLlslng Lhls Lechnlque. Pe used Lo argue wlLh
u1v ofLen buL has sLarLed mlsnamlng fllenames and now Lhey geL along very well. A sulLable ldea
along Lhese llnes for me would surely be Lo mlsname my volumes Lo hllarious things like Morzikeis
/fifa/ posts to make him realise how similar we actually are. This seems like a deeply manipulative
Lhlng however and l do noL know lf l am aL comforL wlLh harmlng Lhe mlnd of my frlend ln Lhls way

37



U1V korschach tests
l have problems wlLh my menLal sLaLe and have been Lold l should aLLempL some forms of baslc
psychology ln order Lo help cure my menLal sLaLe. ln order Lo help myself wlLh Lhls l have used u1v,
whom l LrusL wlLh my everyLhlng, Lo Lry and help myself. l have Lherefore edlLed some lnk bloL LesLs
so LhaL Lhey feaLure u1v posLs. 1hls should help me vlew Lhem and geL Lhrough Lhem. l wlll wrlLe
whaL l see.

l see Lwo dogs Slamese, aLLached aL Lhe head and Lhe Lall and Lurned sldeways. erhaps Lhls
represenLs how aLLached l feel Lo u1v and unable Lo escape hls pull l am.


l see a 1hanksglvlng or ChrlsLmas uepressed uodo from Lhe Lop down. erhaps Lhls lndlcaLes Lhe
feellng of celebraLlon l geL from u1v everyLlme l see one of hls posLs.
38




l see Lhe Cloverfleld MonsLer dolng a handsLand. erhaps Lhls represenLs Lhe monsLer of my
depresslon belng Lurned on lLs head by u1v and Lhe feellngs he provldes me wlLh


l see Lwo a fabulous spaceshlp. 1hls posslbly represenLs how ouL Lhere and free and vasL u1v makes
me feel.
39




l see a 8aL wlLh a Porses head. 1hls may represenL u1v and Lhe way he messes up anlmal fllenames

40



Spreading good feeling using UTVs message
l have noLlced ln my rare Lrlps Lo Lhe ouLslde world LhaL many people are seemlngly depressed. l am
Loo and belleve lL would be a good ldea Lo spread good happlness across Lhe world. l know one Lhlng
LhaL brlngs me happlness whenever l need lL and LhaL ls u1v. 1herefore, l am golng Lo bralnsLorm
ldeas for comlng up wlLh ways Lo make people bllssful uslng u1v.
1he nome|ess
1here are a good number of homeless lndlvlduals ln and around Lhe uk. l am conslderlng golng
around, and lnsLead of handlng Lhem money, handlng Lhem u1v posLs LhaL lnclude poslLlve
messages. l am sure LhaL Lhe homeless wlll appreclaLe Lhls, as Lhey are generally unhappy and Lhey
mlghL be glad Lo recelve some [oy from a u1v posL. l wlll evenLually, lf l can pluck up Lhe courage,
walk around Lown and flnd homeless people and buskers and hand Lhem u1v posLs

*noLe. l aLLempLed Lhls Loday (1he 4
Lh
of September 2013). The man looked confused but didnt look
aL Lhe posL l placed lnLo Lhe gulLar case. l hope he en[oys lL. 1he posL ln quesLlon ls

Whlch boughL a smlle Lo my face and wlll surely Lo Lhe homeless mans.

1o||et Users
Whenever a publlc LolleL ls enLered Lhere are many messages scrawled along Lhe walls. 1hese
messages are usually very upseLLlng and abuslve and ofLen lnvolve promlses of sexual favours lf a
phone call ls made Lo a cerLaln number. Powever, l Lhlnk LhaL by wrlLlng u1v posLs on Lhe walls of
LolleLs l could encourage poslLlve behavlour from oLher people and cheer Lhem up.

*noLe, l found some publlc LolleLs wlLhln Lown and compleLed Lhls goal, sadly, my phone dld noL
have a battery and I couldnt take a picture. Maybe I will next time

Graff|t|
Cn a slmllar noLe Lo Lhe above l could wrlLe u1v posLs ln grafflLl. 1hls mlghL be dlfflculL as l do noL
wlsh Lo break Lhe law and am generally scared of Lhe Lypes who grafflLl, buL lf l could make Lhem as
passlonaLe abouL u1v as l am Lhen LhaL could lmprove my relaLlonshlp wlLh Lhem.

41



Why does U1V ||ke Sp|derman?
lL ls obvlous from hls varlous references Lo Lhe serles and usage of lL as a parL of hls ruse crulse
itinerary that UTV is a huge fan of Spiderman. Its interesting because he doesnt seem as Lhough he
ls a masslve superhero fan buL hls passlon for splderman conLlnues Lo shlne Lhrough. l wlsh Lo look
lnLo some of Lhe reasons why he ls such a blg fan of Lhe caped crusader.
eter arker
u1v probably sees someLhlng of hlmself ln eLer arker. Pe ls a sllghLly unusual man yeL blLlngly
wlLLy and an lnsplraLlon. Splderman ls an lnsplraLlon Lo mllllons, u1v ls an lnsplraLlon Lo me, buL lL
doesnt matter that much, whats important is that they both inspire and aspire to inspire. Peter
arker also hides a personality from his friends and family because they wouldnt be able to handle
Lhe LruLh abouL Lhe hero he really ls. l belleve Lhe same ls Lrue wlLh u1v. lf hls famlly found ouL
abouL Lhe brllllanL man he ls when on 4chan, Lhey would never leave hlm alone. Pls faLher would Lry
to make love with his mother so he could spend time closer to UTV, and this would harm UTVs
personal llfe. 1he only real dlfference ls LhaL Splderman lS eLer arker, whereas hll lrom kenL lS
u1v. Pls hldden persona ls who he really ls

Unc|e 8en=kon Atk|nson?
u1v may well lack a faLher flgure ln hls llfe. Pe has dlvorced parenLs and a sLep dad. l have a
somewhat similar scenario so can understand if UTV has decided he doesnt have a true father
flgure. Cbvlously, u1v ls mlne. Pe has LaughL me many Lhlngs. Self depreclaLlon. Self respecL. rlde
ln ones work. lf we ever meL l am sure he would Leach me Lo rlde a blke, a sklll l was never able Lo
plck up ln my llfe. Powever, ln hls llfe he does noL have a faLher flgure who ls parLlcularly sLrong. l
Lhlnk LhaL former AsLon vllla manager 8on ALklnson, whom u1v has expressed love Lowards, ls Lhe
closesL Lo a Lrue faLher flgure LhaL he has. Cbvlously he sLopped managlng vllla when u1v was only
young and u1v losL hlm. 1hls mlrrors uncle 8en who dles when Splderman was young. l Lhlnk LhaL
seelng uncle 8en brlngs Lhe [oys of a faLher flgure comlng Lo u1v and makes hlm smlle and laugh.

V|||a|n Names
Cf course lLs enLlrely posslble LhaL u1v llkes splderman because Lhe sLorles share hls passlon for noL
namlng anlmals ln Lhe correcL manner. ur CcLopus more closely resembles a splder. Splderman
himself is more like a gecko. The Venom symbiot behaves more like a tumour. All of these may
appeal Lo u1v and could well have lnsplred such classics as Pestered Platypus and Flustered Fox

42



1he 8a|t C|ub
lrom SepLember Lhe 8
Lh
2013 l wlll be posLlng lnLenLlonal posLs LhaL wlll llkely lure u1v Lo respond. l
am dolng Lhls because l wlsh Lo learn more abouL Lhe klnd of message LhaL u1v responds Lo ln order
Lo ald me ln learnlng abouL hlm. l wlll be edlLlng Lhese posLs wlLhln Lhe volumes of my archlvlng so
that it is not obvious what I am doing. I do not wish to troll UTV I am merely attempting to learn
more abouL hlm so LhaL l can lmprove our relaLlonshlp. 1he name of Lhls ldea ls a play on words.
Bait being the kind of post that lures others into posting, and The Bait or Debate referring to
whaL arouses from Lhe posLs l am golng Lo make Lowards u1v.
1hls posL was meL wlLh Lhls response

1his shows that UTV is likely to response to messages that arent specifically targeted at him if they
menLlon sub[ecLs he ls passlonaLe abouL. 1hls shows whaL a passlonaLe and exclLlng young prospecL
he ls.
l have conflrmed Lhe above wlLh Lhls posL

Larnlng Lhls response

I will now stop attempting to bait UTV with posts related to passionate subjects that arent directed
Lo hlm speclflcally.

43




l Lhen Lrled Lhls

And was meL wlLh Lhls response

1hls conflrms Lo me LhaL u1v loves acknowledgemenL of hls amuslng [okes and pranks. Pe ls Lhe
ulLlmaLe pranksLer ln many ways. l belleve he has aL leasL once shoved cllng fllm down Lhe LolleL,
blocklng lL, as a prank. 1hls ls Lhe classlc cllng fllm LolleL prank. l en[oy seelng hlm happy and mlghL
have Lo leL hlm prank me Lo make hlm happy.

44





43



1he great U1V bank robbery
l have ofLen wondered whaL u1v would do lf he needed money and wlshed Lo rob a bank. Cbvlously
he would need help from hls frlends so l am golng Lo dlscuss oLher /Lrb/ Lrlps wlLhln Lhls plece of
flcLlon. lL ls golng Lo be a speculaLlon on how u1v would choose Lo rob a bank.
Characters
8enL from kenL: 1he nlckname of hll from kenL or u1v. Pe works as Lhe groups dlsLracLor, and lLs
swlndler. Pe ls world famous wlLhln Lhe helsL communlLy for hls clever ruses and lnLelllgenL
subLerfuges. Pe was once able Lo sLeal 30,000 from a vaulL by Lelllng Lhe securlLy Leam abouL a
group of black Leenagers looklng llke Lhey wanLed Lo sLeal someLhlng, and when Lhey rushed ouL Lo
aLLack Lhem he sLole from Lhe vaulL. 1he securlLy Leam was greeLed by a seL of ArgenLlne men on
hollday. u1v walked off laughlng abouL Lhe [oke he had made abouL Lhe black populaLlon of
ArgenLlna wlLh sacks of money.
?eruemollLlon: 1he nlckname of famous demollLlons experL ?erdlnner. Pe can make anyLhlng
explode. Pe ls Lhe [oker of Lhe group, always maklng wlLLy and sarcasLlc observaLlons and rlbblng hls
fellow Leam members Lo Lhe amusemenL of Lhe group. Pe ofLen [okes abouL golng Lo Polland when
lL ls Llme Lo lle low due Lo Lhe geographlcal lowness of Lhe counLry. Pe also makes hllarlous u1v
relaLed gags. lor example when abouL Lo crack a bank he asks u1v how much ls lnslde and when
told states not enough to afford Beneteke! as a callback to the joke they share about UTV
overraLed Christian Bentekes value as a footballer
Wheelnlus: 1he groups geLaway drlver. Pe ls LlLhuanlan and hls nlckname ls a clever pun comblnlng
the word wheels with the name of the Lithuanian capital Vilnius. He is an excellent driver and can
escape from almost any situation but he cant escape from fate. (This will one day become a relevant
dramaLlc llne, used when he ls dramaLlcally kllled durlng a helsL)
uldl CenL: 1he weapons experL of Lhe group. So called because he has been shoL 3 Llmes durlng
helsLs and never dled. Pe ls also very handsome and aLLracLlve and ofLen swoons female bank Lellers
and has sexual lnLercourse wlLh bankers so Lhey wlll granL access Lo money. Pe carrles a collecLlon of
Llverpool fooLball club Lhemed condoms so LhaL he never leaves semen aL Lhe scene of a crlme. Cr
should LhaL be ln Lhe scene of WPlnL! (because women whlne a loL and he leaves semen ln Lhem)

46




8ank Layout


47




1he Sw|nd|e
ln Lhelr lnvesLlgaLlons Lhe Leam have found ouL LhaL Lhe vaulL ls noL locaLed wlLhln Lhe bank. lnsLead
lL ls a wooden vaulL, locaLed ouLslde Lhe bank along Lhe back alley. lL ls here Lo Lrlck any poLenLlal
robbers. 1he sLaff LolleLs have glganLlc, Lhlck meLal doors so any robbers are expecLed Lo run lnLo Lhe
sLaff LolleLs assumlng Lhey are Lhe vaulL. Powever, u1v and hls Leam know oLherwlse. 1hey need Lo
geL lnLo Lhe back of Lhe bank and reach Lhe back door wlLhouL ralslng susplclon. 1hey can Lhen break
lnLo Lhe wooden vaulL uslng ?erdlnners exploslve experLlse and escape by walklng ouL of Lhe alley
lnLo Lhe hlghsLreeL wlLh Lhe money ln bookbags so Lhey look llke school chlldren on a Lrlp. ?erdlnner,
Lhe LallesL group member, wlll pose as a Leacher. Morzlkel wlll pose as a halry Leenage who has been
lnLenLlonally held back mulLlple years because he wanLed Lo be ln Lhe same class as hls younger
slsLer so he could look aL her panLles from behlnd her seaL. u1v and uldl wlll also pose as chlldren.
1he group wlll Lhen be able Lo walk ouL of Lhe Lown wlLhouL any lssues and geL lnLo Lhe car where
Morzlkel wlll drop hls faade and Lhey wlll drlve off.

1o geL lnLo Lhe back of Lhe bank u1v wlll walk lnLo Lhe bank wlLh glasses and a cane, holdlng a snake
on a lead. 1he sLaff wlll Lhen approach hlm Lelllng hlm LhaL only guard dogs are allowed. u1v wlll
lnslsL lL ls a dog desplLe Lhe facL lL ls noL. LvenLually Lhe whole sLaff wlll come Lo Lry and convlnce hlm
oLherwlse and Lhe resL of Lhe Leam wlll sneak lnLo Lhe back dressed as bank sLaff. 1hey wlll have Lhe
unlforms because uldl slepL wlLh Lhree of Lhe banks female sLaff members Lhen sLole Lhelr unlforms
and Look Lhem home.


48





49



V|deos
hLLp://www.youLube.com/waLch?v=4kWPCn8uuvg
hLLp://www.youLube.com/waLch?v=944ru3kk-w
hLLp://www.youLube.com/waLch?v=ryLxlW7Cnng
hLLp://www.youLube.com/waLch?v=3hwmLanCdM

30



Invent|on Ideas
U1V hater doormat
My flrsL lnvenLlon ldea ls a doormaL wlLh posLs from u1v haLers aLLached, so l can wlpe my feeL on
Lhem when l enLer and exlL my home. 1he plcLure shows Lhe lnlLlal schemaLlc.


31




U1V be|t
When l have Lo go ouL and mlss u1v l always wanL Lo read some of hls posLs. 1hls ldea ls a belL wlLh
u1v posLs aLLached LhaL allows me Lo qulckly pull off a u1v posL aL any Llme for my readlng. 1hey are
all responses Lo me and seem more personal and make me mlss hlm less. l need Lo flnd a sLrong way
Lo aLLach posts to the belt I am using. I may use a stapler. I just hope the stapler doesnt try and
make Lhe posLs play an unusual formaLlon!


32





33



Lrot|kent
UTVs archiver sat on his chair on his laptop. Thunder erupted outside. He reflected for a moment,
surrounded by Lhe sound of raln on Lhe wlndows and Lhe lncreaslng volume of Lhe compuLers whlrr
as it struggled to load the 5000 by 5000 pixels image of a dog UTV had posted, or the Annoyed Big
Cat, as it has been titled. UTVs archiver was on his 700
Lh
thread of archiving UTVs posts. He still
hadnt met UTV in real life, although by this point he was starting to wish he could. Months of
waLchlng hlm from behlnd a screen had led hlm lnLo LempLaLlon. Pe felL llke a man who had spenL
years looklng Lhrough a Lelescope and now wanLed noLhlng more Lhan Lo vlslL Lhe Moon. Powever,
he knew Lrylng Lo vlslL wlLh hll would ruln hls relaLlonshlp wlLh hlm, so he merely opened Lhe lmage
of Lhe 100 posLs he had Laken from Lhelr flrsL 100 posLs LogeLher and looked Lo lL, longlngly, buL
saLlsfled LhaL Lhls was good enough for hlm. Suddenly, a greaL flash llL up Lhe room and Lhe roar of
thunder echoed from outside. UTVs archiver felt an electronic jolt shoot through the computer and
lnLo hls hand and was senL flylng backwards, hls head connecLlng wlLh Lhe wall and renderlng hlm
knocked ouL.
When UTVs archiver came to, his vision was blurred, and his head still feeling heavy and shaken by
Lhe force of lLs sLrlklng Lhe wall. Pe evenLually sLood up and made hls way back Lo hls chalr. 8uL
before he could slL down, he noLlced someLhlng ln Lhe corner of hls eye. Pe looked Lo Lhe rlghL, and
saw a man. Average height. Handsome. He was wearing a strange jacket. It was then that UTVs
archlver noLlced someLhlng. 1he [ackeL was made up of Lhe posLs LhaL he had lncluded ln hls
100for100 collage, Lhe one he was looklng aL before Lhe accldenL. Pe Lhen came Lo Lhe
undersLandlng of who he was looklng aL. Pe was looklng aL u1v, or, aL leasL, a verslon of hlm,
creaLed by Lhe surge of energy through his laptop. UTVs archiver moved closer to the vision.. the
UTV ghost. He touched his skin, and was met with no reaction. The ghosts eyes followed his
actions. UTVs archiver was suddenly overcome with emotion. This may not actually be UTV, but lL
was very close. lL was close enough LhaL lL was llke he had flnally come lnLo conLacL wlLh u1v. Pe
was overcome noL only by menLal emoLlons, buL by sexual emoLlons. Pe found hlmself becomlng
aroused, and removed hls penls from hls Lrousers and began Lo masLurbaLe Lo Lhe vlsage of u1v LhaL
sLood ln fronL of hlm. Pe closed hls eyes and LhoughL of all Lhe posLs he had archlved walLlng for Lhls
momenL. Pe has Lold people LhaL he had no sexual feellngs for u1v, and maybe aL one sLage he
didnt, but now, now he mosL cerLalnly dld. Pe pumped ever fasLer, Lhe blood rushed Lo hls penls llke
he had so ofLen rushed Lo hls compuLer ln Lhe mornlng Lo ensure he dld noL mlss any more u1v
posLs Lhan were sLrlcLly necessary. Pe pumped, and pumped, an [usL as he was abouL Lo come he
heard a voice mutter
Gutting the Gorilla. UTVs archiver almost jumped out of his seat, and opened his eyes. In front of
him he saw the UTV ghost. It opened its mouth again and said Gutting the Gorilla. UTVs archiver
couldnt believe it, his UTV could speak! Hello UTV. Ive been waiting for you my friend, came the
communication from his mouth. The ghost looked back at him. Gutting the Gorilla, came the reply.
UTVs archiver was confused. He asked the ghost to say something else and the ghosL looked back
and said Grenvilles car bomb outside of a British army base.gif. UTVs archiver was confused but
Lhen had a momenL of reallsaLlon. Pe looked aL Lhe screen, and saw LhaL Lhe 100for100 collage was
sLlll open. Pe Lhen reallsed LhaL Lhe u1v ghosL had been creaLed from Lhls, and could only speak ln
quoLes from LhaL Lhread.
34



Great said the archiver. I have a lifesized UTV action figure, he continued, showing the dry wit
and lnLelllgence LhaL he had learnL from followlng u1v and archlvlng his posts for so long. Might as
well make the most of it, he thought to himself, looking at the body of the ghost in its firm,
handsome form. Pe felL hls penls rlslng once agaln. Pe looked Lhe ghosL ln lLs hauLlngly beauLlful
eyes. Pe could see Lhe Lwlnkle LhaL had so ofLen dlsappeared from Lhe real u1v durlng AsLon vllla
games under McLeish. He opened his mouth and said Im going to pack more semen into you than
you packed posts into volume 180. The UTV ghost smiled, as he knew how many posts were in LhaL
particular volume. He then opened his mouth and said It amazes me how often players on this just
throw the ball to opposition players under absolutely no pressure. For his archiver, this was just as
good as consenL. Pe sLood up and began Lo remove Lhe coaL from Lhe ghosL of u1v. 1hls was golng
Lo be Lhe greaLesL nlghL of hls llfe.
UTVs archiver began to peel the ghosts jacket off, revealing the slightly off colour skin beneath. He
began to tenderly kiss its nipples. Keep me updated on your Paki Smashing, Finlandbro, moaned
the ghost, his sexuality seeping through within his voice. Oh Ill keep you updated on my smashing.
updaLe one- Its just about to start, purred his archiver, as he pulled UTV down onto his ripening
penls and began Lo bounce hlm up and down. Pe noLlced LhaL Lhe ghosL was very llghL, perhaps as
he was mimicking UTVs posts, which tend to be light hearted and amusing. He began to pump inside
of hlm, and evenLually, felL hls penls begln Lo vlbraLe, before evenLually shooLlng a mlghLy bursL of
semen into the UTV ghost. The UTV ghost had a tremendous orgams, bellowing out >1unlslan wlLh
hlgh Lechnlque/paslng/flalr and low Leamwork/medlocre workraLe, Surprlse surprlse as his eyes
rolled lnLo hls lncredlble maglcal ghosLly head. u1vs archiver was briefly satisfied, like whenever he
reads a u1v posL, buL Lhen had a sudden reallsaLlon of whaL he had done, llke when Lhe u1v posL
Lurns ouL Lo be an lmpersonaLor. Pe had molesLed an lnnocenL specLre wlLhouL even knowlng lf he
had consenL. Was Lhe ghosL even lucld? Was lL safe Lo do whaL had [usL happened? Pe looked aL Lhe
ghost was fear in his eyes and mumbled Is what we just did OK?. The ghost looked back at him and
said >mfw a 17 year old is carrying my team.
UTVs archiver fell to hls knees knowlng he would never geL an answer and screamed for forglveness
from Lhe real u1v.

33



U1V M|n| Go|f Ideas

l have deslgned some holes for a u1v golf course Lo play ln lelsure Llme when l
can afford Lo bulld lL. 1he Lheme of Lhe course lL Lhe eplc debaLe he had wlLh
Crenvllle all Lhe way back ln Lhreads 28 and 29. l foughL Lhls Lhe besL Lhlng Lo use
as lL has a conslsLenL Lheme and a good narraLlve LhaL can really add Lo Lhe
golfing experience and ensure that this crazy golf actually make sense. 1he flrsL
hole shows Lhe gradual escalaLlon ln Lhe debaLe whlch was abouL who sLarLed
the joke regarding UTVs height. It shows a couple of his posts getting angry with
Crenvllle.
36





1he second hole ls pracLlcally a sLralghL shoL. 1hls ls
because of Lhe sLralghL shooLlng u1v was dolng ln hls
posts at the time. See fucking projecting manlet cunt
thats what you are. This would be the second hole and
also one of Lhe easlesL as u1v was Laklng lL easy on
Crenvllle aL Lhls polnL.
1he nexL hole would have mulLlple
holes showlng Lhe mulLlple chances
Crenvllle had Lo prove hls polnL.
1hey come ouL on a slde where u1v
ls lnsulLlng Crenvllle as he was
unable Lo prove hls polnLs ln Lhe
debaLe and was Lhusly aLLacked by
u1v.
37






1he flnal hole ls Lhe mosL lmporLanL one and shows Lhe mosL lnLeresLlng parL of Lhe debaLe
where u1v Lruly emerged vlcLorlous. l Lhlnk Lhls hole would be a par 4 because of Lhe 4
minutes I spent chuckling at UTVs brilliantly hilarious rantings. The flustered foxes are the first
parL of Lhe course because u1v was clearly flusLered by Crenvllle when he made Lhls posL. Pe ls
noL usually so brash and unhlnged buL when he ls l feel aroused waLchlng lL.
38



What has U1V |earnt from each V|||a manager |n h|s ||fet|me
u1v ls an AsLon vllla supporLer and lL ls falr Lo say LhaL every AsLon vllla manager he has
experlenced has changed hls llfe ln one way or anoLher, Lhe same way LhaL every vlllaln 8aLman
encounLers changes hlm, be lL ln a ma[or way llke 8ane or a Llny, mlnor way llke Calendar Man
kon Atk|nson
Big Ron was the first manager Villa had in UTVs life and would have been his exposure to Aston
vllla when he was a very young man. ?ou cannoL remember Lhlngs from when you are very young. l
have no memory of my Llme as a baby and Lhen a Loddler. Powever, lL ls obvlous Lhlngs LhaL
happened Lo me Lhen have lmpacLed on me for my enLlre llfe. My parenLs dellghL ln Lelllng Lhe sLory
of how l would excreLe onLo Lhe floor Lhen Lry Lo slL on Lhe excremenL llke an egg. 1hls can be seen
now ln my nurLurlng naLure, l care for u1v llke l cared for LhaL faeces egg. 8on ALklnson was a sLrong
man, and a powerful lndlvldual. Pe had a sllghL mlsLrusL of forelgners wlLhouL belng raclsL. Pe gave
u1v Lhe sLrengLh he dlsplays every slngle day and Lhe wlnnlng splrlL whlch he has. l also lmaglne hls
ofLen brash buL charmlng sLyle of speech was Laken from 8on, as Lhls sLage of chlldhood ls when you
learn language and how Lo communlcaLe wlLh oLher people.

8r|an L|tt|e
8rlan LlLLle was Lhe 2
nd
manager of UTVs lifetlme. Pe was manager beLween 1994 and 1998 and
was Lhe lasL vllla manager Lo wln Lhe club a Lrophy wlLh Lhe league cup ln Lhe mld-90s. He took the
club over afLer Lhey had sllpped under 8lg 8on and he made Lhe club beLLer, reLurnlng lL Lo a
respecLable level. 1hls showed u1v how Lo recover from belng downbeaL and sad. lor example,
when he loses on looLball Manager. lf 8rlan LlLLle had noL managed vllla Lhen u1v may have glven
up on hls fooLball manager save long before l became fully aware of how much he means Lo me. l
thank Brian Little for that. Its a Little bit funny, this feeling inside

Iohn Gregory
!ohn Cregory had an ofLen dlsappolnLlng relgn ln hls Llme aL vllla. llnlshlng 6
Lh
ln Lhe league afLer
belng Lop aL ChrlsLmas. Loslng Lhe lA Cup flnal Lo Chelsea. Powever, he was always able Lo cope wlLh
disappointment and allowed UTV to learn how to cope with this. UTVs feeling of disappointment
afLer seelng hls beloved slde lose Lo Chelsea wlll be one of hls clearesL early memorles and !ohn
Cregorles dlgnlfled reacLlon wlll have shown hlm how Lo learn Lo deal wlLh lssues of defeaL ln Lhe
dlgnlfled and carlng manner LhaL he ls always able Lo do.

Graham 1ay|or
Graham Taylor was the first true failure at Villa during UTVs time as UTV. He was already well liked
havlng succeeded ln hls flrsL spell aL Lhe club and hls second spell wlll have been dlsappolnLlng.
Powever, he coped wlLh Lhe mocklng LhaL he was glven from all corners of Lhe medla afLer hls spell
wlLh Lngland. lL ls obvlous LhaL u1v has learnL Lo deal wlLh mocklng from observlng Craham 1aylor ln
his second spell at Aston Villa. When UTV is being called short or a racist little scumbag whose
enLlre repuLaLlon ls based on hls ablllLy Lo acL llke a LwaL and make predlcLable, awful [okes LhaL are
only accepLed because he makes Lhem every day and Lhey become accepLed llke a splder you see so
often in the house that you enjoy the moments in appears, he is able Lo Lhlnk of Lhe 1aylor ls a
1urnlp flasco and laugh all of Lhe [okes off.

39



David OLeary
The lessons UTV learnt from OLeary would have mainly been from the end of his career, when he
called Lhe vllla fans flckle. AlLhough u1v would have been enraged by Lhls commenL, when you
conslder hls noblllLy lL ls a rldlculous one Lo make, he would have also learnL hls felsLlness and
aggresslve flghLlng naLure from Lhls. Pe knows how Lo baLLle and aLLack people as can be seen ln hls
varlous debaLes wlLh Lhe oLher posters within Football Manager threads. Thank you OLeary for
allowlng me Lo wlLness so many greaL debaLes courLesy of whaL you have LaughL u1v.

Martin ONeill
Gerard nou|||er
A|ex McLe|sh
au| Lambert

60



U1V kansom Note
1hls ls a ransom noLe made up from LexLs ln u1v posLs. lf l were Lo ever kldnap hlm Lhls ls whaL l
would send. l may Lhen dlscuss Lhe scenarlo of where l would keep hlm, how l would malnLaln hls
safeLy eLc.

1hls leLLer ls sufflclenLly vague whlle LhreaLening. Obviously an address isnt necessary as a mailing
address would be lncluded ln Lhe leLLer Lo hls parenLs.
l would keep hlm ln my baLhroom. 1hls way he would be hldden and unable Lo make much nolse. Pe
would also be able Lo see my naked body wlLhouL feellng creeped ouL or llke l am Lrylng Lo make
sexual advances on hlm. l would noL be maklng sexual advances buL seelng my naked body would be
good for hlm Lo geL Lo know who l am more. l would llkely feed hlm meaL and sandwlches and [oke
abouL lL belng annoyed cat food or simulated skunk meat because this would calm him down and
make hlm feel aL ease. Cf course l would be blufflng and would never allow any harm Lo come Lo my
dearesL Lreasure.

61



rotect|ng U1V
u1v ls a very popular and well known member of Lhe /sp/ communlLy and has been for years. WlLh
the recent spate of doxxing I am becoming worried that one of these people will seek to actively
hunL down and brlng harm Lo u1v. 8ecause of Lhls, l wlll now make plans for proLecLlon of u1v. A
prlvaLe mlllLla- or a prlvaLe hlllLla ln Lhls case- Lo keep u1v company. l wlll descrlbe why Lhey need
Lo proLecL hlm and where and posslbly whaL sorL of people would be ln Lhe hlllLla Lo keep u1v safe
Why protect h|m?
u1v ls a person who lnsplres real passlon among 4chan and /Lrb/ posLers. Pe can elLher lnsplre
lncredlble passlon as he does ln me or lncredlble haLred. lf he ls doxxed he wlll need proLecLlon from
Lhose people who wlll aLLempL Lo harm hlm. Maybe Lhey wlll aLLack hlm because Lhey are angry Lhey
are noL was wlLLy as he ls. lL ls also worLh proLecLlng hlm so he can conLlnue Lo posL on /Lrb/. 8y
protecting him I would be protecting /trb/s identity.

Where does he need protect|ng?
Lverywhere. lrom hls small buL qualnL home Lo Lhe Llmes when he ls [ourneylng Lo PMv Lo complaln
that they sold him the movie Looney Tunes Back in Action even though it didnt have Elmo in it

h|||t|a members
lor Lhe purposes of Lhls Lask l have creaLed a fake facebook accounL. l wlll be searchlng for people
on facebook who may well be wllllng Lo work and sulLable for work wlLhln a prlvaLe securlLy group Lo
look afLer u1v. l wlll sLarL off searchlng for a small number of people and wlll drafL messages Lo be
sent to them should I have to come to UTVs protection.

1hls ls Lhe flrsL person l would conLacL Lo work as a securlLy force member for u1v. 1he obvlous
benefit it that he shares UTVs name. This means that he could be used as a body double- Any
aLLackers would see hls name and mlsLake hlm for u1v allowlng u1v Lo make a qulck geLaway.
AparL from LhaL, he appears smarL enough Lo handle hlmself whlle aL Lhe same Llme ensurlng
that UTVs safety is not compromised but his main role would be body double.
62




Pan ual ls from kenL Loo, a common Lheme amongsL people l would recrulL for a u1v proLecLlon
hlllLla. Pe seems Lo be Lhe very deflnlLlon of mysLerlous- A forelgn name. no proflle plcLure and
very llLLle lnformaLlon on hls page. lL ls llkely he has worked as a hlLman before or aL leasL
someLhlng llke lL. Pan ual also sounds llke an allas. Maybe he drlves a Pyundal and goL Lhe ldea
from LhaL. l Lhlnk a cold dangerous person llke Lhls would be perfecL for helplng u1v proLecL
hlmself.
A good securlLy force ls llke a good seafood resLauranL because you need Lo have some mussels
as well as no raLs. 1yrone reudhoome seems muscular and seems very respecLable. Pls proflle
lmage shows hlm wlLh an orange drlnk [ulce and sun cream so lL ls falr Lo assume LhaL he Lakes
care of hlmself very well, and would Lherefore be fully commlLLed Lo Laklng care of u1v. Pe
would be powerful and dangerous and a key member of Lhe Leam, lf an expendable one. Clvlng
u1v a chance Lo make hls classlcal llghL hearLed raclal banLer would calm hlm down ln a crlsls.
63





lrom hls proflle plcLure lL seems as Lhough uan ls someone wlllng Lo wear any cosLume.
Cbvlously prlvaLe securlLy Leams ofLen have Lo dress up Lo ouLflusLeredfox Lhose who wlll
aLLempL Lo aLLack Lhe person Lhey are proLecLlng. Pavlng Lhls Lype of person ln Lhe Leam ls very
lmporLanL Lhough Lhls man would be lowesL prlorlLy of Lhese lnlLlal slx, l lmaglne he would be Lhe
cheapesL
1he flnal member of the initial 6. This man would be the Mr White of the group, the elder
experlenced member who has been Lhere and done LhaL. Pe would be able Lo lead Lhe group
when u1v ls noL around and ensure LhaL he ls fully proLecLed. lL ls clear from hls proflle plcLure
LhaL he has accompllshed all he wanLs and ls happy Lo dle for a speclal cause llke u1v
64



What U1V sa|d before he took me onto h|s ruse cru|se

63



66



67





68



|ann|ng U1V C|ty
8u||d|ngs
Al-Shelk Mlbby PoLel (1 rlng aL Lop, 4 Lowers poklng Lhrough)
8ank of 8enLeke (40 mllllon held aL all Llmes)
Morzlkel PosplLal (ledora on bulldlng, ln[esLed erlod 8lood ward)
ulnglefrlLz and Mlnlfrldge lnLernaLlonal AlrporL (hellcopLers only haLe wlngs)
u1v volumes naLlonal Archlve
1he kenLagon
?eruoner kebabs
MoLorway wlLh anama Crosslng
Crenvllle desLroyed memorlal sLaLue
!ommo rlson
no Crack Shopplng CenLre
LL LlC MA? MA? lAl8 ClCA8L11LS S1un1 C8CW1P ?CuLL 8L LlkL u1v LL LlC

Areas
Mlles Plgh Skyscrapers llnanclal ulsLrlcL (gener|c skyscrapers, SLaLue, 8ank, archlve, 1own na||)
norLhern Crenvllle (PoLel, blg houses)
8epubllc of Crenvllle (poverLy houses, rlson, kebabs, o||ce Stat|on, I|re Stat|on)
8use Crulse Parbour (Cru|se sh|p)
McShlL would have Laken us uown-Lown (Shopplng CenLre, kenLagon, Stad|um, AlrporL, MldLler
Pouses, PosplLal, Church, C|nema)

1o do
Al-Shelk Mlbby PoLel (1 rlng aL Lop, 4 Lowers poklng Lhrough)
8ank of 8enLeke (40 mllllon held aL all Llmes)
ulnglefrlLz and Mlnlfrldge lnLernaLlonal AlrporL (hellcopLers only haLe wlngs)
u1v volumes naLlonal Archlve
?eruoner kebabs
MoLorway wlLh anama Crosslng
no Crack Shopplng CenLre
Crulse Shlp
SLadlum
unlverslLy


69





70





71






72




73





74






73



76



Da||y ost counts *start|ng 1
st
Iu|y
1
st
Iu|y- 32
2
nd
Iu|y- 72
3
rd
Iu|y- 72
4
th
Iu|y- S7
S
th
Iu|y- 27
6
th
Iu|y- S1
7
th
Iu|y- 27
8
th
Iu|y- S9
9
th
Iu|y- 66
10
th
Iu|y- 64
11
th
Iu|y- 61
12
th
Iu|y- 60
13
th
Iu|y- 48
14
th
Iu|y- 42
1S
th
Iu|y- 47
16
th
Iu|y- SS
17
th
Iu|y- 47
18
th
Iu|y- 4S
19
th
Iu|y- S1
20
th
Iu|y- 47
21
st
Iu|y- 8S
22
nd
Iu|y- 70
23
rd
Iu|y- S7
24
th
Iu|y- 6
2S
th
Iu|y- 76
26
th
Iu|y- 27
27
th
Iu|y- 8
28
th
Iu|y- 7
29
th
Iu|y- 27
30
th
Iu|y- 26
31
st
Iu|y- S3

Month|y 1ota|- 1472 posts


77



1
st
August- 19
2
nd
August- 27
3
rd
August- 19
4
th
August- 72
S
th
August- 27
6
th
August- 0
7
th
August- 14
8
th
August- 26
9
th
August- 74
10
th
August- 43
11
th
August- 42
12
th
August- S3
13
th
August- 9
14
th
August- 83
1S
th
August- 21
16
th
August- S3
17
th
August- 81
18
th
August- S8
19
th
August- 61
20
th
August- 48
21
st
August- 78
22
nd
August- 77
23
rd
August- 31
24
th
August- 20
2S
th
August- 29
26
th
August- S9
27
th
August- 3S
28
th
August- 46
29
th
August- S0
30
th
August- 67
31
st
August- 36

Month|y tota|- 13S8

78



1
st
September- 67
2
nd
September- 36
3
rd
September- 22
4
th
September- 26
S
th
September- S8
6
th
September- 19
7
th
September- S0
8
th
September- 4S
9
th
September- 27
10
th
September- 39
11
th
September- 31
12
th
September- 30
13
th
September- 32
14
th
September- 3S
1S
th
September- 4
16
th
September- 21
17
th
September- 4
18
th
September- 0
19
th
September- 0
20
th
September- 2
21
st
September- 1S
22
nd
September- 9
23
rd
September- 14
24
th
September- 0
2S
th
September- 4
26
th
September- 1
27
th
September- 0
28
th
September- 17
29
th
September- 21
30
th
September- 19

Month|y 1ota|- 648




79



Cctober 1
st
- 14
Cctober 2
nd
-31
Cctober 3
rd
- 7
Cctober 4
th
- 0
Cctober S
th
- 0

80




1he U1V f||ename rundown
We all know UTV loves his filenames, so Ive decided to create a list of every fllename he has used
slnce l began my relaLlonshlp wlLh hlm. l wlll lnclude lnformaLlon on wheLher Lhe fllename ls a Lrlck
or not. I wont include screenshot filenames. Current as of 7
Lh
SepLember 2013



_69336182_ad|tya_garg[1].[pg (tr|ck, |s two Ind|an Arsena| fans)
0,,1026S~120170SS,00[1].[pg (tr|ck, |s And| We|mman)
0,,1026S~120881S0,00[1].[pg (tr|ck, |s a V|||a sh|rt)
00473-06209_1[1].[pg (tr|ck, |s a o|ar 8ear)
12962636SS240.g|f (tr|ck, |s a c||p from an A|ns|ey narr|ot mus|c v|deo)
1302989142478.[pg (tr|ck, |s a man |n an afro)
1303738S73336.[pg (tr|ck, |s 1om nanks)
1318168081798.g|f (tr|ck, |s ka|ph W|ggum)
13272792S8117.[pg (tr|ck, |s an angry dog)
1331SS0819038.[pg (tr|ck, |s nomer S|mpson)
133S90S1S2404.g|f (tr|ck, |s a man |augh|ng not a number)
1336S9279493S.png (tr|ck, |s kDM)
1337S4483S410.[pg (tr|ck, |s a drawn concerned face)
1342947446491.[pg (tr|ck, |s Ash|ey Co|e)
1343413013796.[pg (tr|ck, |s A||son 8r|e)
1344178S13989.[pg (tr|ck, |s a cartoon of an Ir|sh man attent|on seek|ng)
134S6S68716S9.[pg (tr|ck, |s an |mage from Deus Lx)
13S1728329427.[pg (tr|ck, |s a photoshopped Chr|st|an 8enteke strok|ng the head of a Manchester
Un|ted p|ayer, I w|sh U1V wou|d stroke me)
13S1728329427.[pg (tr|ck, |s Che|kh 1|ote caress|ng h|| Iones)
13S6890683421[3].png (tr|ck, |s a man adm|tt|ng that he was coax|ng someone |nto a snafu)
13S7166474749.[pg (tr|ck, |s an |mage of Lebron Iames)
13609734S984S.g|f (tr|ck, |s a v|deogame a||en ta|k|ng ||ke a 8r|t|sh youth)
1363201064641.g|f (tr|ck, |s one of the muppets)
13634S31013SS.g|f (tr|ck, |s V|||a fans)
1363S46039S6S.png (tr|ck, |s 8art S|mpson)
1364083349698.[pg (tr|ck, |s a frown|ng man)
1367673111618.png (tr|ck, |s narry kedknapp)
1371248193071.g|f (tr|ck, |ts actua||y kerm|t not a |arge number)
1371423S4SS62.g|f (tr|ck, |s a dog |n |ts cage)
1376304701211.[pg (tr|ck, |s a man |n a Iedora)
1378494S86722.g|f (tr|ck, |s footage of a man from a v|deogame wa|k|ng and be|ng struck by a
f|y|ng car)
1379108694S34.g|f (tr|ck, |s A|ns|ey narr|ot)
81



1982.[pg (treat)
22639_karen_G|||an_Short||st_Mnk1_122_93|o,[pg (treat)
23SS2S23S.[pg (tr|ck, |s Arsene Wenger)
3S6364636.[pg (tr|ck, |s a concerned footba|| fan)
4363636.[pg (tr|ck, |s Arsene Wenger)
4S646.[pg (tr|ck, |s koberto D| Matteo)
S00px Map_of_As|a[1].png (treat)
S474.[pg (tr|ck, |s an |mage of the Aston V|||a squad w|th names b|acked out)
S47447433.[pg (tr|ck, |s Arsene Wenger)
S474S.[pg (tr|ck, |s I|mmy Sav|||e. Un|ess each number represents the age of one of h|s |overs)
6S.[pg (tr|ck, |s a II screenshot)
66783S4_v|||a_pa.[pg (treat)
6678S34 v|||a pa.[pg (treat)
6910[1].[pg (tr|ck, |s a character from Grand 1heft Auto San Andreas)
798.[pg (tr|ck, |s a response to one of my posts)
9080979867879.[pg (tr|ck, |s A|an Shearer)
934S68.[pg (tr|ck, |s Arsene Wenger)
9S22d134939S046-fancy-ak-47-gay_Iabu|ous[1].[pg (treat)
97889789.[pg (tr|ck, |s a preacher)
98789789080.[pg (tr|ck, |s a footba|| fan)
Abso|ute|y D|sgust|ng.[pg (treat)
Morgan Ireeman as Apo||o.[pg (tr|ck, |s Sam Iackson)
Adebayo Akinfenwa.gif (trick, its an un|dent|f|ed b|ack ch||d)
A|an k|ckman.[pg (tr|ck, |s Mark Lawrenson)
Andreas GCA1man.[pg (treat)
Andreas We|mman |aughs wh||e number 20 Luna watches on.[pg (tr|ck, |s a d|fferent set of
p|ayers)
Annoyed Austr|an.[pg (treat, |s nans Gruber, who |s Austr|an and appears annoyed)
Annoyed Cat.png (tr|ck, |s a happy dog)
Aragorn D|ssaproves.g|f (tr|ck, |s a d|fferent LC1k character)
Artekkers.[pg (tr|ck, refers to an ex tr|p of As|an or|g|n. Man |n |mage |s wh|te Arsena| fan)
Aston V|||a 08.12.12 00S.[pg (treat, |s an |mage of Aston V|||a)
Aston V|||a 2S.01.13 020.[pg (treat)
Athe|st[1].[pg (treat)
AVIC.[pg (treat)
Avram Grant.[pg (treat)
8art S|mpson has had enough of your bu||sh|t.g|f (tr|ck, |s 8obby n|||)
8e|grano-s|nk|ng[1].[pg (treat)
8enkete-3S02.[pg (treat)
8entekkers approves th|s message.[pg (treat)
8erust|ed 8ear.[pg (tr|ck, |s the same happy dog from other p|ctures w|th a m|rror |n the m|dd|e)
8|g 8rad.[pg (treat)
8|ack keact|on.[pg (treat)
8NC1xN1CAANnv1[1].[pg (tr|ck, |s Newcast|e p|ayers)
8ob Do|e.[pg (tr|ck, |s some other po||t|ca| f|gure)
82



8othered 8adger.[pg (tr|ck, |s a happy dog)
8rad Guzan and C|aran C|ark.[pg (tr|ck, |s men from te|ev|s|on show)
8rad-Guzan[1].[pg (treat)
8rook|yn 8eckham.[pg (tr|ck, |s komeo 8eckham)
8uenos A|res reacts to Argent|nas wor|d cup w|n.[pg (tr|ck, photo |s from South Afr|ca 2010,
Argent|na fa||ed to w|n th|s tournament)
Char|es+N+2ogb|a+14hfM7[MS8m[1].[pg (treat)
Chewbacca.[pg (tr|ck, |s oda)
Ch|nese So|d|ers eat p|zza wh||e try|ng to |nvade Iama|ca.[pg (tr|ck, are Amer|can so|d|ers eat|ng
what appears to be rat|ons. Iama|ca were not part of that war)
Ch you dog owner.[pg (treat)
Chr|st|an 8enteke and au| Lambert at 8odymore neath.[pg (treat)
Chr|st|an 8enteke eats a hotdog.g|f (tr|ck, |s a man who seems to p|ay 8asketba|| eat|ng
un|dent|f|ed food)
Chr|st|an 8enteke on oppos|ng defences.[pg (tr|ck, |s actua||y a man |n the Congo descr|b|ng h|s
urge for sexua| assau|t)
Chr|st|an 8enteke poses w|th the new Aston V|||a away sh|rt.[pg (tr|ck, |s the home sh|rt)
Comb|ne Adv|sor (tr|ck, |s a dog |n a sock)
Computer out the w|ndow.[pg (treat)
Content Ch|naman.g|f (tr|ck, |s n|deo ko[|ma, a Iapanese nat|ona|. ne |s a|so sm|||ng wh|ch
|nd|cates happ|ness though he cou|d we|| be content too)
Coo| 1.[pg (treat)
dSa7fe889081ad913464S1a64S87Sefa [1].[pg (tr|ck, |s M||es Iacobson)
dSc[1].[pg (tr|ck, |s a p|cture of f|sh be|ng offered ba|t)
Darren 8ent 1.[pg (treat)
Darren 8ent 2.[pg (tr|ck, |s a b|ack man from a 1V show)
Darren 8ent reacts to be|ng benched.g|f (tr|ck, |s a b|ack man from a 1V show)
Darth Mau|.[pg (tr|ck, |s the Lmperor)
Dav|d D|mb|ebey 1 (tr|ck, |s another man |n a su|t)
D|d|er Drogba and I|orent Ma|ouda.[pg (tr|ck, |s anonymous b|ack men hand||ng guns)
Dunga.[pg (tr|ck, |s h|| Sco|ar|)
Dunne when kIC had to c|ose because he ate a|| the food.[pg (tr|ck, |t |s Dunne but on a p|tch, |t |s
un||ke|y that he wou|d f|nd out about kIC c|os|ng dur|ng the game, the manager wou|d not te|| h|m
as |t wou|d be d|stract|ng)
L|egant 8ookshe|f.[pg (tr|ck, |s a tab|e wh|ch I do not f|nd fash|onab|e)
I|ustered Iox.[pg (tr|ck, |s a happy dog)
Iorest Wh|ttaker as Id| Am|n |n 1he Last k|ng of Wa|es.[pg (tr|ck, |s Chr|st|an 8enteke, the mov|e
t|t|e |s |ncorrect)
gabeuse[1].[pg (treat)
Gabr|e|20Agbon|ahor[1].[pg (treat)
Gav|n Ngog g|ves h|s best |nterpretat|on of nam|et.[pg (tr|ck, |s Iores Ckore ho|d|ng a footba||.
Un||ke|y he wou|d start to act out an C|d Lng||sh p|ay dur|ng a photography sess|on)
Gerard nou|||er and Avram Grant.[pg (tr|ck, |s au| Lambert and Iose Mour|nho)
Gerard nou|||er.png (tr|ck, |s au| Lambert)
G|ovann| Approves.[pg (tr|ck, |ts actua||y a random Mex|can fan)
83



Grenv|||e ta|ks about Ang|o-Ir|sh re|at|ons.[pg (tr|ck, |s a scream|ng ch||d)
Groundskeeper W||||e.[pg (tr|ck, |s Ned I|anders)
Gustav Graves p|ays backgammon.[pg (tr|ck, |s someone e|se p|ay|ng poker)
Guy|ncogn|to[1].[pg (treat)
nans Gruber.g|f (tr|ck, |s a d|fferent mov|e character whom I dont recognise)
Hermann Goring.jpg (trick, I dont think that is a real person)
nomer 1.png (treat)
nomer 3.g|f (treat)
nomer G|asses.[pg (treat)
now norr|fy|ng.[pg (treat)
noward Webb Se|ect kII (2) v L|verpoo| (1) - 21-03-10 - Commentary & ost Match
nandwr|ng|ng_1269186062270.[pg (treat)
hqdefau|t[1].[pg (tr|ck, |s a man |n bed)
I must go, a 21 year o|d w|nger from some obscure country needs me to s|gn h|m (unknown, |mage
of Lambert [ump|ng upwards but I do not know h|s reason for |eav|ng. It |s more ||ke|y he |s
ce|ebrat|ng a goa| than us|ng supernatura| propert|es to take off)
I run th|s sh|t.[pg (treat)
Infur|ated G|raffe.[pg (tr|ck, |s a happy dog)
Irate Iguana.[pg (tr|ck, |s a Gor|||a w|th the face of a happy dog)
Ire|and_v|o|ence_opt[1].[pg (treat)
Iores Ckore d|sapproves.g|f (tr|ck, |s a d|fferent b|ack ma|e)
kar|m+L|+Ahmad|+Aston+V|||a+v+Ma|aga+pre+season+IIGMt61WAI[1].[pg (tr|ck, |s a shot from
a narry otter f||m)
kaz sh|ts h|mse|f when someone makes an IM re|ated post.[pg (tr|ck, |t |s not kaz, |t |s Ctacon
from MGS)
kerm|ts Iace When An Amer|can Was Iat Near n|m.[pg (unknown, |s kerm|ts face, Amer|can may
be out of p|cture)
|0,,1026S~111S4093,00.[pg (tr|ck, |s au| Lambert)
|0,,1026S~11230747,00.[pg (tr|ck, |s concerned V|||a fans)
Lambert.png (treat)
Larg.[pg (tr|ck, |s Chr|st|an 8enteke)
Laugh|ng po||t|c|ans from the Democrat party.[pg (treat)
L|verpoo| consp|racy.[pg (treat)
L|verpoo| De|us|on 1.[pg (treat)
L|verpoo| De|us|on 2.[pg (treat)
L|verpoo| De|us|on 3.[pg (treat)
Magg|e and konn|e.[pg (treat)
Man who ate h|mse|f to death.[pg (unknown, I do not recogn|se the |mage)
Man|sh 8has|n prepares to b|ow up the Dan|sh embassy |n London (tr|ck, |t |s Man|sh 8has|n but
he appears to be present|ng the footba|| |eague show rather than comm|tt|ng an act of terror)
Man|sh.[pg (treat)
Marge, Id like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.png (treat)
Marge.[pg (treat)
Marouane Ie||a|n|.[pg (tr|ck, |s a b|ack ma|e w|th an afro)
Mate[ Vydra.[pg (tr|ck, |s another b|ack man)
84



Maude I|anders.[pg (tr|ck, |s ne|en Love[oy)
McL|es.[pg (tr|ck, |s A|ex McLe|sh. 1h|s may have been |ntent|ona| due to UTVs dislike for him)
Me meet|ng Iohn Gregory.[pg (tr|ck, |s actua||y Chr|st|an 8enteke w|th the happy dogs face
photoshopped on meet|ng au| Lambert)
Mercenar|es.[pg (treat)
M|8 protests at the Lt|had Stad|um for a||ow|ng Iews to support Man C|ty.[pg (tr|ck, |s an |mage of
a God hates fags protester photoshopped expertly to be wearing a City shirt. Could be MiB but
un||ke|y he has [o|ned one of these protests)
M|ck McCarthy.g|f (tr|ck, |s a character from Sesame Street)
M|ck McCarthy.[pg (tr|ck, |s a fema|e w|th great resemb|ance to M|ck)
M||es-[acobson.[pg (treat)
MCN 4.[pg (treat)
Morgan Ireeman as 2eus.[pg (tr|ck, |s a d|fferent b|ack actor)
Ned I|anders w|th a bow| of soup.[pg (tr|ck, |s nomer S|mpson w|th a sandw|ch)
Ne|son Mande|a g|ves a speech at the nouses of ar||ament (tr|ck, |s Mart|n Luther k|ng w|th a
that feel man superimposed over his head giving a speech in Washington)
Nobody Cares.png (treat)
nvryf[1].g|f (tr|ck, |s a Chr|st|an 8enteke g|f)
Cctopus craw|s |nto |ts tank w|th a scarf over |ts head.g|f (tr|ck, |s a dog c||mb|ng |nto |ts cage)
CG.g|f (treat)
4211780.[pg (tr|ck, |s a footba|| stad|um)
ap|ss C|sse.[pg (tr|ck, |s A|an Shearer)
ats Guy.[pg (tr|ck, |s a fan of Iags)
au| Lambert and Lr|c L|cha[.[pg (tr|ck, |s men from a 1V show)
au| Lambert and 1om nanks compe| you to check the|r dubs.[pg (unknown, |mage shows the men
mentioned but whether they are actually aware of dubs is up for debate)
au| Lambert savours yet another v|ctory.png (tr|ck, |s a man from a 1V show, a|so V|||a never w|n)
pbe[1].[pg (tr|ck, |s an Argent|ne man)
ertubed Gor|||a.[pg (tr|ck, |s a happy dog)
ertubed 1|ger Woods.g|f (tr|ck, |s a d|fferent go|fer)
estered |atypus.[pg (tr|ck, |s a happy dog)
|ane crash.g|f (tr|ck, |s a car crash)
ka|den.[pg (tr|ck, |s Ctacon)
neskey gonna nesk.[pg (treat)
kevo|ver Cce|ot.[pg (tr|ck, |s So||d Snake)
komeo 8eckham |n 10 years t|me.[pg (tr|ck. Is a man |n a Iedora w|th an athe|st quote. Un|ess U1V
has access to a t|me mach|ne and Dav|d 8eckham |oses a|| of h|s money somehow, say, a
handsome tax |s |ntroduced, then |t |s un||ke|y komeo w||| become scragg|ed and obese)
kon V|aar watch|ng 1V.[pg (tr|ck, |s a d|fferent p|ayer us|ng a |aptop)
kuss|an-guy-danc|ng-o[1].g|f (treat)
s_fren_fr_00710_16x9.[pg (tr|ck, |s a man |n a duffe| coat)
Sam A||adyce g|v|ng an |nterv|ew to 88C Sport from the passenger seat of h|s Ieap.[pg (tr|ck, |s
narry kedknapp g|v|ng an |nterv|ew to sky from the dr|vers seat of h|s |and rover)
Sgt Al Powell and John McLane.jpg (trick, is two men I dont recognise)
Shaun Ma|oney.[pg (tr|ck, |s an unsourced g|nger man)
83



Shaun-Wr|ght h||||ps eat|ng d|nner.[pg (tr|ck, |s a b|ack ch||d eat|ng cerea|, cerea| |s not d|nner)
Sm||eymoney[1].g|f (treat)
So| Campbe||.[pg (tr|ck, |s a |arge b|ack fema|e)
So||d Snake.[pg (tr|ck, |s C|d Snake)
So||dus.png (tr|ck, |ts So||d Snake)
Starv|ng Wo|f.[pg (tr|ck, |s a fu|| dog)
Stephen Ire|and eats a bow| of potatoes (tr|ck, |s a ba|d man eat|ng cerea|)
Steve C|arke 1.[pg (treat)
Steve C|arke.[pg (treat)
St|mu|ated Skunk.[pg (tr|ck, |s a happy dog)
Stop 1.[pg (treat)
Stop.[pg (treat)
1ekkers and Gabby.[pg (treat)
no||oway.[pg (treat)
1erry Connor and M|ck McCarthy.[pg (tr|ck, |s Apu and r|nc|pa| Sk|nner)
1he Iury.[pg (tr|ck, |s a d|fferent member of the patr|ots)
1he moment Manc|n| |ost h|s [ob.[pg (tr|ck, |s h|gh|y un||ke|y he |ost h|s [ob on the touch||ne, he
wou|d have had a forma| meet|ng. Image does not show th|s)
1|ger |n a [ung|e.[pg (tr|ck, |s a o|ar 8ear |n the Arct|c)
1om Iones.[pg (tr|ck, |s some other man. oss|b|e a s|nger, I dont know, I had to google Tom Jones
to be sure it wasnt him)
1reebeardatIsengard[1].png (treat)
Use|ess g|nger cunt.[pg (tr|ck, |s an |mage of McLe|sh, who wh||e bad at management |s not use|ess
as shown by 8|rm|nghams car||ng cup w|n)
v|csnap-2013-03-01-18h28mS8s142.png (treat)
Waynes-Wor|d-get-a-|oad-of-th|sguy-cam.[pg (treat)
Wenger D|ssappo|nted.[pg (treat)
What+|t+means[1].[pg (treat)
White Man Walking His Dog.jpg (trick, its a black man walking another animal)
Why nard.[pg (treat)
Wut.png (treat)
kab| A|onso.[pg (tr|ck, |s a man from a mov|e)
kav|.[pg (tr|ck, |s |r|o)
acouba Sy||a.png (treat)

86



Da||y U1V D|ary
I am start|ng th|s on the 18
th
of August to d|scuss my fee||ngs on the days U1V posts and g|ve a
genera| rev|ew of the day
18
th
August 2013
Today was the second day of the opening Premiership season so naturally a large number of UTVs
posLs were abouL LhaL, lncludlng Lhe 1oLLenham vs CrysLal alace and Chelsea vs Pull games, Lwo l
also waLched. Pe complalned abouL some Lhlngs, llke lan Polloway, buL was happy abouL oLher
Lhlngs llke Chelsea wlnnlng as he placed money on Lhem. l hope he buys hlmself someLhlng whlch he
can en[oy wlLh Lhe money he has earned as he deserves lL. My maln LhoughLs Loday are of concern
however, l do noL wanL hlm Lo leave because my world revolves around hlm buL he admlLLed LhaL he
isnt currently playing a save on Football Manager. The imminent release of 14 should mean that he
doesnt leave for too long even if he does decide to leave, however, I will be worried if he decldes Lo
leave for any amounL of Llme. l could noL cope wlLhouL hlm by my slde. l wlll keep an eye on Lhe
slLuaLlon, and l am desperaLe for hlm Lo sLay.

19
th
August 2013
1oday was a day LhaL boLh doused and enflamed my fears abouL a poLenLlal loss of u1v. Pe made
some classlcal u1v posLs, argulng wlLh ManchesLer ls 8lue and debaLlng abouL many fooLball relaLed
Loplcs- Pls posLs expresslng hls dlsLasLe for ManchesLer ClLy were especlally flery and remlnded me
of Lhe u1v l remember from when he used Lo aLLack and mock Alex McLelsh on a near dally basls. lL
was greaL Lo see hlm so passlonaLe afLer hls recenL problems, lL was llke Lhe Llme my elderly
nelghbour was prescrlbed palnklllers and became much more welcomlng and carlng Lowards me.
Powever, desplLe Lhls, some of hls aLLacks on Ml8 made me Lhlnk even furLher LhaL he was
aLLempLlng Lo flll Lhe Crenvllle shaped hole ln hls hearL. Ml8 does noL have Lhe passlon and edge
that Grenville has, and that UTV needs to form a proper BFFF (best flustered foxes forever)
relaLlonshlp. l can only hope LhaL u1v sLlcks around unLll hls old frlend reLurns or unLll he flnds a
suitable replacement for him. I dont want to become the next Grenville in his absence but if it
means reLalnlng Lhe servlces of my good frlend u1v l wlll.

20
th
August 2013
A brlef reLurn of Crenvllle ln Lhe early hours made u1v perk up sllghLly. Pe Lhen sLarLed dlscusslng
me ln a [oklng fashlon (l wlsh he would fuck off!), whlch was nlce for me and someLhlng l en[oyed.
Cver Lhe resL of Lhe day he and Grenville had classical discussional banter and it was great to read.
Crenvllle would seem Lo be back whlch ls greaL for u1v as lL glves hlm hls focus back, and whlle he
has been lnLeresLlng LhroughouL hls llfe, he ls now [usL as lnLeresLlng as he can be and l am very
happy abouL lL. Cverall, lL feels llke a very good day for u1v wlLhln /Lrb/ and l can only say l am very
opLlmlsLlc for Lhe fuLure

21
st
August 2013
1oday was a day. 4chan was down for a couple of hours whlch meanL we were separaLed for a brlef
Llme, however, lL was no worse Lhan when l have Lo leave Lhe house for any reason and aL leasL Lhe
Lhread remalned open and l was able Lo read prevlous u1v posLs ln order Lo feel as Lhough he had
noL gone anywhere, l was llke a dog ln a house wlLh Lhe radlo lefL on. 1hread 180, approprlaLely, hlL
Lhe bullseye, or should LhaL be CulLured CaLLleseye?!, wlLh an lncredlble number of posLs from u1v.
87



1hls may have been due Lo Lhe facL AsLon vllla played Chelsea durlng Lhe Lhread and allowed u1v Lo
show hls passlon and full emoLlonal prlsm. l had an lncredlble Llme readlng and archlvlng Lhls Lhread
and hope for many more llke lL, boLh ln Lhe near and dlsLanL fuLure. lL was one of Lhe besL Lhreads ln
recenL weeks. Larller ln Lhe day ln a dlscusslon wlLh Crenvllle, u1v had revealed some personal
lnformaLlon abouL hls famlllal llfe. 1hls was a fanLasLlc read and lncredlble exclLlng for me, and
ensures LhaL l wlll now feel closer Lo hlm every Llme he posLs.

22
nd
August 2013
1oday carrled along on much Lhe same veln as Lhe 21
sL
. u1v was wlLLy, argumenLaLlve, and
intelligent all at once. There wasnt quite a thread to match the 180
Lh
buL 183 was fanLasLlc, and
Lhere were a good number of long u1v posLs Lo glve me someLhlng Lo read now and forever. Pe
made many valld polnLs abouL Lhe ablllLles and value of ChrlsLlan 8enLeke, many of whlch l agreed
wlLh as l always do when u1v makes hls polnLs as Lhey are preLLy much cerLaln Lo be lnLelllgenL and
correcL. Cne anon aLLempLed Lo glve u1v sass abouL hls hllarlous ablllLy Lo aLLrlbuLe Lhe wrong
nouns Lo Lhlngs buL he lgnored Lhe snows of doubL and ploughed on as he always does, and l am
becomlng lncreaslngly cerLaln wlLh each and every passlng day LhaL u1v ls noL golng Lo leave. As we
geL closer Lo 14 belng released, u1v ls less llkely Lo leave. (lronlc really as when l was geLLlng closer
Lo Lhe age of 14 my frlends all became closer Lo leavlng for reasons l sLlll do noL undersLand.) l look
onwards Lo Lomorrow wlLh greaL anLlclpaLlon.

23
rd
August 2013
1he ma[orlLy of UTVs posts today came within thread number 183. It was a good, pleasurable
Lhread ln whlch u1v sLaLed LhaL he ls aLLendlng AsLon vllla vs Llverpool. l hope LhaL Lhey wln and
make hlm happy so LhaL he ls ln a good mood when he reLurns and glves me some good sLuff Lo
archlve. l wlll reporL back Lomorrow hopefully wlLh good news ln Lhls regard

24
th
August 2013
Today UTV didnt post until very late in the day. I would usually be concerned by this, however, I am
well lnformed by soclal neLworklng LhaL a good nlghL ouL ls usually followed by a laLe arrlval home. lf
Lhe same can be applled Lo fooLball maLch vlslLs Lhen l musL assume LhaL u1v had a good Llme, even
if his team was beaten by Liverpool. I dont think I could see him in the crowd when watching the
game. l was lnlLlally annoyed wlLh Sky for noL flndlng hlm ln Lhe crowd unLll lL occurred Lo me LhaL
u1v ls noL as lmporLanL Lo real world people as he ls Lo myself. 1omorrow should be anoLher good
day

2S
th
August 2013
u1v dld noL make a large number of posLs Loday, he may well have been en[oylng a lazy Sunday, as a
large group of people Lyplcally en[oy dolng. Pe may have en[oyed a dellclous Sunday ulnner wlLh hls
sLep faLher, who deserves credlL for ralslng such a lovely and klnd chlld. Pe seemed relaxed and
happy when he dld posL and Lhls nexL week should be very good for us

88




26
th
August 2013
u1v was very enLerLalnlng Loday. SomeLhlng l have noL prevlously menLloned ln Lhls game ls LhaL
when I am watching football matches, I enjoy reading UTVs posts, boLh abouL Lhe game and
whatever else. It makes me feel like I have a friend to watch the game with, and although I do not
lnLeracL wlLh hlm myself durlng Lhe game, [usL seelng hls oplnlons and wlLLy [okes (1oday he made a
wonderful qulp abouL Lampard belng unable Lo make hlmself blgger) make even a 0-0 game llke
Loday feel llke a 4-4 draw and LhaL ls exacLly whaL happened. l look forward Lo waLchlng many more
games alongslde u1v. 1oday l also dld someLhlng l have never done before, and sexually pleasured
myself Lo a u1v Lhread. 1hls ls noL someLhlng l am proud of buL l may do lL agaln

27
th
August 2013
1omorrow ls an exclLlng day

28
th
August 2013
WhaL a wonderful day Loday was! u1v and l celebraLed our 200
Lh
annlversary. Pe Look Lhe flusLered
fox for a walk wlLh me. We held hands and klssed under Lhe moonllL afLernoon sky. Pe Lhen cooked
me a dellclous dlnner and boughL me some glfLs. Pls mosL romanLlc glfL Lo me was a hand wrlLLen
love leLLer. lL made me so [oyous and happy. l felL Lears comlng lnLo my eyes. l could barely musLer
Lhe sLrengLh Lo posL lL onLo /sp/ buL l Lhlnk everyone who read lL appreclaLed whaL u1v and l have
LogeLher. Pls posLs were fanLasLlc as always. Pe showed a coldness buL aL Lhe same Llme showed a
warmness, and Lhe Lwo Lypes of alr comlng LogeLher causes a sLorm of wonderful posLs, hllarlous
muslngs and general wlsdom and lnLelllgence, buL noLhlng more Lhan l have come Lo expecL from my
u1v. 1hls relaLlonshlp wlll lasL forever

29
th
August 2013
Today was another excellent day for UTV. He didnt discuss football manager a great amount but
this didnt matter as he made series of excellent off topic posts. He made direct contact with me on
a couple of occaslons, playfully Lelllng me Lo leave hlm alone ln Lhe same way a glrl belng Llckled Lells
her boyfrlend Lo sLop even Lhough she ls Lhoroughly en[oylng Lhe Llckllng whlch she ls recelvlng. u1v
loves belng Llckled all over by my splndly far reachlng flngers and hls glggle ls maklng me smlle
whenever l hear lL.

30
th
August 2013
1oday was a wonderful day for u1v, even lf Lhe dally fooLball ensured lL dld noL pass aL an especlally
rapld raLe. Pe made asLuLe fooLball predlcLlons, and once agaln made a blg dlfference Lo Lhe Lhread,
addlng quallLy, lnLelllgence, and a cheeky humour. Pe called me a sad cunL, l can only assume lL was
yeL anoLher u1v ruse as whenever l read hls posLs l am very happy, noL sad! Sadly l am movlng so
Lhls ls llkely Lo be Lhe lasL enLry ln Lhls dlary for a week, maybe Lwo. l have prlnLed some of my
favourlLe u1v posLs and glued Lhem Lo a Leddy bear so LhaL l have someLhlng Lo remember hlm by
and have wrlLLen some u1v quoLes and sLuck Lhem Lo LolleL paper. l wlll see whaL happens wlLh Lhls
slLuaLlon ln Lhe comlng days.

89





1
st
September 2013
1oday l learnL l can conLlnue my work unlnLerrupLed and wlLhouL any ma[or lssues or problems. 1hls
was good as lL was an especlally exclLlng day for u1v, as Lhough spurred on by Lhe poor fooLball
maLches on offer he seeked Lo enLerLaln Lhe enLlre /Lrb/ Lhread by hlmself, and he largely
succeeded, compleLely unsurprlslng as hls sLage presence and general love of hls publlc mean LhaL
he wlll always be able Lo make people smlle, reacL and laugh. Pe ls llke a 24/7 movle clnema buL Lhe
movles he shows never repeaL. Some of hls besL posLs Loday were wlLLy, and self parodlxlcal, such as
clalmlng 8enLeke ls beLLer Lhan ele and worLh 100 mllllon. 1hese are qulLe humourous as Lhey show
he ls unafrald Lo laugh aL hls own darlng oplnlons. ?ou would never see Charlle nlcholas [oklngly
suggesL LhaL SLeven Cerrard ls beLLer Lhan ele and LhaL ls whaL makes u1v speclal

2
nd
September 2013
1oday was Lhe always exclLlng Lransfer deadllne day, and u1v was aL hls absoluLe besL ln provldlng
Lhe sorL of funny commenLary we have all become used Lo from hlm. Pe made many very funny
commenLs, lncludlng one where he sLaLed LhaL a non-playable league for Leams ln lM would be
called The Lehman Brothers Premier League, which is of course mocking the global financlal crlsls ln
a way LhaL u1v would only be able Lo do. Pe ls amazlngly funny and also lmplled LhaL Lhe LmlraLes
had relocaLed Lo ArgenLlna due Lo Lhe large number of black youLhs walLlng ouLslde durlng Lhe cuL
on sky sporLs news Lo Lhe sLadlum. Cverall he Lhoroughly lmproved an already exclLlng deadllne day
and made lL even more worLhwhlle for me

3
rd
September 2013
1oday was anoLher slow day, presumably due Lo Lhe Llme unLll lM14 comes ouL comblned wlLh
SepLember belng Lhe monLh for people sLarLlng unlverslLy agaln meanlng Lhey have less Llme for lM
and would raLher walL for 14 before conLlnulng. 1hls meanL LhaL u1v made only a few posLs,
however, wlLh u1v posLs, as wlLh female cloLhlng, less can someLlmes be more appeallng, and Loday
we saw u1v ln a very LlghL blklnl Lop wlLh nlce panLles. Pe made a couple of very amuslng posLs
lncludlng one where he called MLk nelson Mandela, and one where he used Lhe ArgenLlna ls black
[oke Lo hls comedlc advanLage. Pe also debaLed well Lhe merlLs of lllA and Lhe way ln whlch Lhe
game raLes players. lL was a shorL buL en[oyable day

4
th
September 2013
1oday was anoLher slow day for much Lhe same reasons has yesLerday however, l was sLlll able Lo
en[oy lL amazlngly. Pe desLroyed a unlLed fan, ln Alan ulz uzag, and made Lwo fanLasLlcally long
posLs LhaL were a pleasure Lo archlve. 1oday l had a wonderful day archlvlng as Lhe posLs flL LogeLher
ln a wonderful, almosL [oyous fashlon. lL was one of Lhe mosL appeallng flLs l have ever seen on a
slngle archlve and l have been feellng good abouL Lhe way lL cllpped LogeLher all day

90




S
th
September 2013
1oday was anoLher fanLasLlc day and conLlnued Lhe Lrend of slower days. Powever, Lhread 216, Lhe
maln Lhread of Lhe day, was fanLasLlc for u1v. Pe made a greaL number and varleLy of posLs LhaL
varled hugely ln lengLh and lnLenslLy LhaL kepL me readlng. l am readlng back over Lhe Lhread now
and sLlll have a smlle whlch beams from ear Lo ear. Pe made a hllarlous gag abouL how an Amerlcan
lM player should ask for an lncreased 8osLer lmprovemenL fund, whlch works comlcally as lL relles
on Lhe dlfference ln Lermlnology beLween Amerlcans and 8rlLs when lL comes Lo fooLball desplLe Lhe
facL Lhe Lwo counLrles share a language. 1he same Amerlcan was also playlng a game LhaL referred
Lo wage as payroll and therefore the background of the joke was increasingly funny. This was
cerLalnly one of Lhe besL Lhreads ln many days l wlll aLLempL Lo encourage u1v Lo posL more,
perhaps by uslng Crenvllles personallLy LralLs Lo draw hlm lnLo posLlng.

6
th
September 2013
1oday was a nlce comforLable day. 1here was an Lngland game, agalnsL Moldova, and u1v spenL Lhe
ma[orlLy of hls posLs dlscusslng Lhls. Pe made hls dlsLasLe for 8oy Podgson very clear and goL angry
abouL aul LamberL recelvlng a flne from Lhe lA. l do noL en[oy when he geLs LhaL angry, lL makes me
qulLe upseL. A comblnaLlon of Lhe facL l care deeply for hlm and do noL wanL Lo see hlm upseL and
Lhe facL LhaL u1v can be scary when he ls angry. Pls wlL, comblned wlLh hls forcefulness and hls
cunnlng yeL unsubLle vocabulary allows hlm Lo really hurL wlLh words whlch ls someLhlng LhaL
nobody wlshes Lo see, especlally noL someone wlLh a care as deep for u1v as Lhe one l possess.

7
th
September 2013
1hread 221 was Lhe maln Lhread Loday and lL was fanLasLlc and marvellous. lf l were Lo compare lL Lo
a summers day, then it would be one of those days where I stay indoors but dont feel sad. So
exacLly Lhe same as every oLher day buL beLLer. 1he reason lL was so good was slmple- u1v en[oyed
some banter with me. He responded to my posting of the filename rundown by saying some other
political figure? Dont you recognise Al Gore? UTV mocking me like this was marvellous and made
me feel very lncluded as a member of hls lmmedlaLe soclal group and lndeed hls famlly. AparL from
this, he was simply an incredible delight to behold during the day. I would describe him as on form.
lf he were a lM regen my backroom sLaff would be rushlng Lo Lell me Lo pralse hlm for hls form, hls
lasL 3 games averaglng a raLlng of 8.10. Pe enLerLalnlngly suggesLed LhaL Mlles volce all press
conferences on lM14, a feaLure LhaL ls remarkable ln lLs whlmslcallLy and lmaglnaLlon and
someLhlng only u1v could posslble come up wlLh or even conslder

91




8
th
September 2013
1oday l had an amuslng LhoughL. lf u1v was a crazy caL lady he would refer Lo hlmself as a crazy
distraught dingo lady, or something similar. Anyway, onto my thoughts about the day and UTVs
posLs. 1hey were very good agaln and revolved around one evenL ln parLlcular. uurlng a charlLy
fooLball maLch durlng Lhe day, a member of Cne ulrecLlon was ln[ured ln a Lackle from Cabrlel
Agbonlahor, or Gabby as UTV dubs him in a playful manner. (The same way he dubs me Sad cunt).
u1v was able Lo brlng Lo Lhe aLLenLlon of Lhe Lhread several excellenL posLs from one dlrecLlon fans
upseL because Lhelr heroes were ln[ured. 1o be honesL, desplLe Lhe mocklng LhaL has Laken place
Lowards Lhe fans of Cne ulrecLlon, l would reacL ln a slmllar fashlon ls somebody were Lo ln[ure u1v
and would posslbly angrlly send deaLh LhreaLs LhaL l have no lnLenLlon of golng Lhrough wlLh. 8uL l
would cerLalnly be remarkably upseL. Pe also dlscussed hls exclLemenL for Lhe upcomlng vldeogame
Crand 1hefL AuLo 3. l hope lL ls good because Lhls wlll make u1v happy buL noL so good LhaL he ls
dlsLracLed from posLlng ln /Lrb/ Lhreads.

9
th
September 2013
u1v dld noL make a large number of posLs Loday. lL was sLlll an en[oyable, lf quleL, day, buL noL an
acLlve one. l had a sllghLly alLercaLlon wlLh uldl who clalmed LhaL u1v was angry aL me ln Lhe l8C buL
lucklly u1v came Lo defend me and polnLed ouL LhaL he has never enLered Lhe l8C and Lhusly l had
noL upseL hlm and he was perfecLly happy. 1oday he pulled a wonderful prank referrlng Lo ShefLl
kuqls nationality and was generally himself but there isnt much to comment on

10
th
September 2013
1oday was anoLher slow day buL lL was a slow day where a large number of Lhe /Lrb/ posLs belonged
Lo u1v. 1hls ensured l had plenLy Lo read and analyse as well as plenty to pay attention to. I didnt
become bored Lhanks Lo Lhe sLeady sLream of u1v posLs LhaL occurred aL a sLeady raLe durlng Lhe
day. !usL as l flnlshed readlng and examlnlng one anoLher would appear and glve me anoLher half
hour of solld enLerLalnmenL. Also, l posLed one of my lmages abouL u1v, Lhe rulse crulse lmage, for
UTVs amusement. He seemed to like it, his response was that of content chinaman.gif, which is
acLually a [olly !apanese, buL lL sLlll made me feel amazlng LhaL Lhe man l love and ldollse Lo such a
degree was so happy wlLh someLhlng l dld for hlm. l hope he geLs as much usage from Lhe lmage as
he posslble can because lL wlll glve me pleasure every Llme l see lL used. WhaL an amazlng
advancemenL ln our relaLlonshlp Loday was.

11
th
September 2013
It shouldnt come as a surprise to me that I have enjoyed a UTV day anymore but of course, I once
agaln am Laken aback by qulLe how much l love hlm and worshlp and care abouL every slngle Lhlng
LhaL he aLLempLs Lo do and lndeed, usually succeeds ln dolng. u1v was once agaln very funny and
new and exclLlng LhroughouL Loday. Pe casually mocked Amerlcans ln Lhe close Lo raclsL buL acLually
very lovlng and carlng passlonfashlon LhaL only u1v really can, and he lmpersonaLed ?erulnner. Pls
lmpersonaLlon was as perfecL as every fllename hls brllllanL mlnd creaLes. Pe mocked hls
mannerlsms and Lhe Lype of message he creaLes almosL Lo perfecLlon and lL Look me a whlle Lo
realise that I wasnt reading YerDinners posts, and I almost forgot to archive Lhem, lL was LhaL
convlnclng and uLLerly superbly cuLLlng a mockery. l laughed qulLe hard. lL was also flLLlng LhaL on
the anniversary of 9/11 he provided a day I will never forget
92




12
th
September 2013
u1v made a very small number of posLs Loday. l do noL have a loL Lo say oLher Lhan Lhey helped me
geL Lhrough Lhe day. l was also able Lo sLarL uploadlng vldeos and creaLlng Lhem for youLube Loday. l
hope LhaL l can en[oy Lhls u1v relaLed conLenL and allow lL Lo conLlnue Lo fulfll my day. Cne evenL
LhaL dld concern me Loday was u1v dlscusslng how he loves Poly CaL. l am sure he was saylng Lhls ln
hls Lyplcal, fllppanL playful way buL lL concerns me Lo see someone geLLlng ln Lhe way of my lovlng
relaLlonshlp wlLh hlm. AL Lhe end of Lhe day u1v became lnvolved ln an excellenL argumenL wlLh
Ml8. Pe phoLoshopped a wonderfully hllarlous lmage of hlm as a proLesLer wlLh a sulLably wlLLy
fllename. 1hls was Lhe hlghllghL of Lhe day.

13
th
September 2013
1oday has been a dlfflculL day. u1v wenL almosL 9 hours wlLhouL posLlng. l was able Lo creaLe many
works today but that isnt important, at times I felt very sad and alone. I do not wish to think about
Lhls day

14
th
September 2013
1oday was an excellenL day for u1v. AsLon vllla Look on newcasLle ln Lhe remler League and were
sadly defeaLed, buL u1v dld noL leL Lhls defeaL hlm. lnsLead, as he has so ofLen, he persevered.
uesplLe Lhe lll feellng he musL have had aL seelng hls second love (l am hls flrsL) so desperaLe, he
conLlnued Lo provlde quallLy, funny posLs durlng Lhe day, and a greaL degree of enLerLalnmenL for
myself, and everyone who parLlclpaLes wlLhln Lhe looLball Manager Lhreads. Pls prlckly relaLlonshlp,
llke a cacLus, wlLh Ml8 conLlnued Lo grow ln Lhe absence of Lhe ralns of Crenvllle, and, llke a cacLus, l
expecL lL Lo sLand sLrong for many years, even ln Llmes of noLhlng lL wlll be able Lo provlde
nourlshmenL Lo me, and make me smlle ln a way l have never smlled before. Crenvllle dld reLurn and
l look forward Lo seelng hlm conLlnue Lo draw excellenL posLs from u1v and Lo help hlm flnd hls Lrue
self once more. Pe also dlscussed ChrlsLlan 8eneLeke and made some excellenL polnLs as Lo hls
fooLballlng ablllLy and worLh.

1S
th
September 2013
l slL here aL 23.18pm.
u1v has only posLed once Loday
lL ls days llke Lhese where l wonder why l do Lhls for us. Why l do Lhls. l wonder lf he cares. lf we
were a marrled couple Lhen he would have been ouL all nlghL and reLurned wlLh Lhe smell of
lnLercourse on hls vllla shlrL and llpsLlck and vaglnal semen sLalnlng hls cloLhes.

l feel slck

93





16
th
September 2013
Lucklly Loday saw many u1v posLs, and excellenL slgns of recovery. When he sLarLed posLlng agaln ln
Lhe days afLernoon, l found a smlle beamlng on my face from cheek Lo cheek, and l am sLlll smlllng
now. l am so happy LhaL my u1v has come back Lo me and l feel my LesLosLerone bulldlng wlLh every
passlng posL LhaL he makes, he ls such a greaL man. Pls flrsL order of buslness was classlc u1v. Pe
easlly shoL down an angry 8lrmlngham fan, wlLh well reasoned argumenLs LhaL lncluded [usL Llnge of
LhaL classlc u1v blLlng anger and wlL LhaL l mlssed so much over Lhe prlor day. Pe Lhen dlscussed
AsLon vllla and Crand 1hefL AuLo 3. l look forward Lo hls resurgence ln Lhe comlng days wlLh greaL
exclLemenL

17
th
September 2013
1oday was anoLher depresslng day buL lL was one l had anLlclpaLed. u1v has only made 3 posLs
durlng Lhe day all relaLlng Lo Lhe release of Crand 1hefL AuLo 3. Lucklly, l was aware LhaL Lhls game
was belng released, and LhaL he would purchase lL and we would mlss ouL on a few days LogeLher. l
have planned for Lhls and been wrlLlng abouL hlm, and rewaLchlng Lapes of old u1v posLs Lo keep
me company

18
th
September 2013
1hread 240 was boLh Lhe easlesL and Lhe hardesL Lhread l have ever had Lo archlve. WlLh [usL 3 posLs
from u1v ln over 33 hours, Lhe manual efforL was nll, buL Lhe menLal sLraln LhaL belng separaLed
from my frlend for such a lengLh of Llme was almosL Loo much for me Lo bare. l know he ls [usL
en[oylng Crand 1hefL AuLo
l wlll geL Lhrough Lhls

19
th
September 2013
u1v has noL posLed Loday.
l am becomlng progresslvely more upseL and l do noL wanL Lo be angry wlLh u1v buL l wlsh he would
come Lo speak wlLh me and explaln where he has gone

20
th
September 2013
uearesL dlary Loday u1v made Lwo posLs. l am so happy LhaL he has flnally reLurned l wlll reposL
both of them here in full. The first post was >Traore. Hoof. The second post was You know what
Lhey say- Jack of all trades, master of none. As you can see, they are short posts but excellenL. l
think he wouldnt have posted them usually but did because he knew how much I miss him. In a way
l feel llke a dog whlch has been beaLen and mlsLreaLed for monLhs and ls [usL now belng fed dlnner
scraps from its abusive owner, but I dont care about Lhe mlsLreaLmenL, l am happy Lo eaL Lhe food
from u1vs plaLe. l am so happy l have my menLor back


94




21
st
September 2013
1oday was Lhe greaLesL day l have had for many days. lL was Lhe rlslng of Lhe hllnlx. u1v ls back and
he ls as exclLlng, amuslng, exLraordlnary and dazzllng as he has ever been. Pe made several exclLlng
and oLherwlse amuslng posLs, Lalklng abouL how he LreaLs hls players, and how he owns a deskLop
rather than a laptop. I was so happy just to see him post. He referred to me as one autist. I think
this is my pet name for him, or as he would call me, his wild animal name! I love seeing him speak
abouL me ln a personal Lerms because lL allows us Lo connecL on a far deeper, more menLally
lnLlmaLe level. l am so happy Lo have my u1v back and l hope LhaL Lhls conLlnues a Lrend of hlm
posLlng more and more ofLen as he ls such a wonderful person l cannoL be wlLhouL hlm for long. l
cannoL compare hlm Lo drugs, as drugs are Laken aL parLles and l do noL llke parLles, buL he has a
level of addlcLlon whlch ls slmllar Lo lL.

22
nd
September 2013
1oday was a slower day for u1v, he only posLed 9 Llmes buL l sLlll en[oyed Lhem all a masslve,
enormous amounL. Pe dlscussed ManchesLer ClLy Lrlumphlng 4-1 agalnsL ManchesLer unlLed ln Lhe
ManchesLer derby. l en[oyed waLchlng hlm laugh and [oln Lhe mocklng of ManchesLer unlLed
manager uavld Moyes and hls hllarlous lmpllcaLlons of Lhe ManchesLer unlLed fans on 606 belng
almosL enLlrely from Lhe clLy of London, where lL ls ofLen sald ManchesLer unlLed bandwagoners
come from. Pe also ensured LhaL oLher posLers ln /Lrb/ do noL see hlm as a bandwagoner, whlch of
course he isnt as he is a supporter of Aston Villa and has an unrivalled passion for them, which
remlnds me of my passlon for hlm

23
rd
September 2013
l am depressed Loday and do noL wlsh Lo speak here. hllglve me u1v.

24
th
September 2013
lease come back u1v
I cant go on much longer.

2S
th
September 2013
UTV is back and I couldnt be happier. He only made 3 posts but I believe this is it, and he will now be
back forever and ever, l he wlll do lL for me. lL ls as Lhough he has been sneaklng lnLo my house and
readlng my dlary abouL hlm. lf he has been dolng Lhls l wlll be so happy, because lL means he has
seen my llvlng area and knows how much of lL ls Lruly dedlcaLed Lo u1v and hls llfesLyle and llfe ln
general. l hope Lhls ls Lhe case and wlll sleep wlLh noLhlng on LonlghL [usL ln case

26
th
September 2013
u1v made only one posL Loday and Lhls was ln Lhe early hours. Powever lL wlll Llde me over, for now,
l [usL pray LhaL he sLarLs Lo posL more ofLen before long.

93



27
th
September 2013
Ck we need Lo have a serlous fucklng Lalk. l have glven everyLhlng Lo u1v. l have looked afLer hlm
for monLhs. Pelplng hlm ouL, glvlng hlm Lhe sorL of love LhaL mosL people dream of, wrlLe poeLry
abouL and need more Lhan anyLhlng else. Pow do l know where he is now? I dont. He could be out
posting about /trb/ on another forum. He could be out drinking. He could be DEAD. And I dont even
know. He hasnt checked in again. He hasnt bothered again. He doesnt care about me and he
doesnt care about us. How will we ever have apprenLlces who learn Lo archlve and care for oLhers?
Pow wlll we pass ouL lessons on Lo Lhem lf he ls never here? l have been slLLlng ln Lhe dark walLlng
for hlm Lo reLurn. l know when he does he wlll acL llke noLhlng ls wrong. Pe wlll lgnore my
anonymous posts that are vague and dont reference him specifically even though he will know it is
me Lalklng abouL hlm. When l posL he wlll call me peL names and laugh wlLh me preLendlng as
though this last couple of weeks didnt happen and he didnt leave me alone. I am starting to think
he ls only preLendlng Lo llke me because he wanLs hls brllllanL mlnd preserved for all Lhe ages Lo see.
I am starting to think he doesnt let me archive him because he loves me. I need to calm down. I
need Lo geL a drlnk of waLer and relax by llsLenlng Lo lL as l empLy lL lnLo Lhe slnk. l need Lo calm
down and maybe he wlll explaln hlmself when he reLurns. Maybe he wlll come home soon. l [usL
hope I dont have to hear on the news about a striking and academic man belng kllled because he
wouldnt give tips on how to do a decent job at Villa on FM13 to an angry passer by.

28
th
September 2013
1oday u1v answered me call. lL ls as Lhough every leLLer l Lyped yesLerday burnL a leLLer lnLo hls skln.
Pe ls back and as good as ever. Cbvlously Lhe performance of AsLon vllla agalnsL ManchesLer ClLy
helped hls mood and a happy u1v ls a very happy me. Pls osLs Loday malnly revolved around AsLon
vllla and some classlc cheek ln hls aLLempLs Lo wlnd up Crenvllle. All l can say ls how dellghLed l am

29
th
September 2013
l Lhlnk my prayers have been answered. u1v ls back for good. 1oday he made 21 posLs,hls hlghesL
LoLal ln almosL 2 weeks, and l Lhlnk he has come Lo reallse how much he mlsses /Lrb/ and more
lmporLanLly, how he mlsses me. ln a way, l Lhlnk Lhls wlll be good for our relaLlonshlp. 1hls ls
because he now knows how much lL hurLs hlm when we are aparL, and now he ls llkely Lo become
cllngy and needy, whlch ls someLhlng l have dreamL of for monLhs. A u1v who loves me and
responds Lo every posL l make. l may lnclude a phone number ln one of my volumes and when he
sees lL he wlll call me. l love hlm and cannoL walL for our relaLlonshlp Lo become even sLronger

30
th
September 2013
1oday was Lhe end of Lhe monLh and lL ended Lhe way Lhe enLlre monLh has been as a whole. WlLh a
nlce amounL of u1v buL noL enough Lo fully saLlsfy my hankerlng and need for hls posLlng. Pe posLed
17 Llmes Loday ln a very slow Lhread and Lhls lncluded some excellenLly long and lnLrlgulng posLs
abouL AsLon vllla and ChrlsLlan 8enLeke where he debaLed wlLh a 8elglan posLer abouL vlllas
fooLballlng prowess. l was so proud Lo see hlm wln hls debaLe. lL shows hls Lrue masLery of Lhe
Lngllsh language LhaL even somebody who does noL speak lL as Lhelr naLlve knew LhaL Lhey had no
chance of flghLlng back agalnsL hlm. Maybe soon l wlll lnLenLlonally debaLe wlLh u1v so he aLLacks
me and swears aL me. l wlll feel as Lhough l am belng chalned Lo hls fence and whlpped and poked
wlLh hoL chalns, lL wlll be very abuslve and may upseL me buL ln Lhe longer Lerm l wlll en[oy lL
96



because l love u1v so much. l can only hope LhaL Lomorrow ls as good as Loday and nexL monLh
conLlnues Lo lmprove

1
st
Cctober 2013
CcLober 1
sL
. A new monLh. A new day. And a new sLarL for u1v. Pe posLed several Llmes Loday
desplLe a slow Lhread. MosL of Lhe days posLs were hllarlously mocklng Lhe fallures of hls haLed
CelLlc ln Lhe Champlons League. Pe also argued wlLh Ladford ln a wlLLy and demeanlng manner. ln
Lhe Lhread he was ofLen aLLacked for whaL he sald noL belng amuslng enough buL he cerLalnly had
me laughlng for hours on end wlLh hls wlLLy and remarkably lnLelllgenL aLLacks and rebuLLals. l know
he sLudles pollLlcs and hls ablllLy Lo wln debaLes wlLh hls cunnlng vocabulary wlll surely see hlm
become an lmporLanL pollLlcan. lf he ls ever a pollLlcan Lhen l wlll cerLalnly seek ouL a [ob as hls
personal asslsLanL. l wlll be a slave Lo hlm lf l have Lo, geLLlng Lo waLch u1v beneflL Lhls counLry
would surely change my llfe and glve me even more meanlng Lo my days Lhan u1v ls currenLly
provldlng me wlLh

2
nd
Cctober 2013
l Lhlnk lL ls falr Lo say LhaL u1v ls well and Lruly back. 1oday he was ln Lyplcally felsLy and moLlvaLed
form, mocklng and harasslng Crenvllle for hls vlews on Lhe lrlsh naLlonal Leam. Crenvllle was slmply
unable to cope with the ferocity and skill of UTVs debating- Pe wanLed Lo sLaLe LhaL Coleman would
sLarL for AsLon vllla buL u1v slmply would noL have lL. Pe desLroyed Lhe ever plucky Crenvllle once
agaln. l have a feellng LhaL Lhelr relaLlonshlp ls now back aL lLs peak where lL once was lacklng behlnd
sllghLly and had somewhaL Lalled off, as Lhe Lwo were on neuLral ground- l am glad LhaL Lhey re no
longer on neuLral ground. u1v ls llke Lhe prlncess xena- he ls a warrlor. Pe belongs somewhere,
flghLlng somebody. Pls naLural hablLaL ls flghLlng. lf he was noL a 4chan Lrlp, he would probably be a
boxer, confuslng hls opponenLs by conflrmlng he floaLs llke a mlffed moLh and floaLs llke a besLed
beaLle. l look forward Lo more of Lhelr relaLlonshlp developlng furLher.

3
rd
Cctober 2013
Today my mask almost slipped. I was almost seen by a parent whose gender I wont reveal here
deLalllng u1v work. Lucklly l was able Lo avold lL buL l have Lo hope Lhey are noL aroused by Lhls.
Anyway, onLo Lhe days u1v posLs. naLurally, Lhey were fanLasLlc- Only 7 of them today but it wasnt
a fast day and I have to expect that it could be freshers week at UTVs university, and some fish are
noL meanL Lo be caged, especlally when Lhey have feaLhers as brlght as UTVs, so I do not mind if he
does noL posL ofLen durlng Lhese Llmes so long as he updaLes me occaslonally and shows me LhaL he
wants to continue this relationship. He once again referred to Ladford as The Elephant Man, which
geLs funnler wlLh replLlons, Lhen admlLLed nobody placed anyLhlng ln hls ass. 1haL ls reassurlng
alLhough l would noL be annoyed lf he was homosexual- Pe shows some homoeroLlc Lendencles ln
hls lnLeracLlons wlLh boLh Crenvllle and myself and l can undersLand hlm wanLlng Lo Lake Lhlngs
furLher ln an lmmlnenLly sexual manner.
4
th
Cctober 2013
1here were no u1v posLs Loday. Marley and me ls on Lelevlslon and l Lhlnk abouL whaL would
happen lf l had Lo puL u1v down. l would probably hug hlm unLll hls flnal breaLh and ln hls flnal
moments I would whisper the first thing he ever said to me. Project?. He would cry and I would
embrace hlm ln hls flnal momenLs. 1hen l would end my own llfe.
97



S
th
Cctober 2013
1here were no u1v posLs Loday. l have Lrled Lo medlLaLe ln order Lo come Lo Lerms wlLh Lhe facL LhaL
he ls noL posLlng here as much. lL ls helplng. l LhoughL of my favourlLe u1v volumes and reclLed Lhem
Lo myself ln a quleL, hummlng Lone, close Lo LhroaL slnglng Lhem aL Llmes. l felL much more relaxed.
AL one sLage l felL Lhe hand of u1v hlmself Louch my shoulder. Pe Lold me Lo llsLen for a 8e[azzled
8obcaL howllng aL Lhe moon, l Lhlnk he meanL CoyoLe. l wlll llsLen for Lhls durlng fuLure medlLaLlons.
l feel much more aL peace Loday.

6
th
Cctober 2013

You might also like