DUST JACKET REQUIRED: EPISODE ONE

by

Richard Catherall & Alastair Tervit



























Page | 1

INTRO

CROWMARSH: My grandfather was a moon spotter. I inherited his diaries...


GRANDFATHER: May 1st: saw moon. May 2nd: saw moon. May 3rd: saw moon. May 4th:
cloudy. May 5th: saw three moons. Most excited. Letcombe Bassett says
probably an error. I hate Letcombe Bassett.

CROWMARSH: ...his dispassionate scientific rigour inspired me to become a collector.


GRAMS: THEME MUSIC


ANNOUNCER: (V. O.) Dust Jacket Required, by Richard Catherall and Alastair Tervit. Episode

One, Text, Lights & Videotape.

SCENE 1.

CROWMARSH IS A YOUNG FOGEY ON THE CUSP OF 40. HE IS A
RARE BOOK COLLECTOR AT THE CROSSROADS BETWEEN
ECCENTRIC CHARACTER AND WEIRD LONELY MAN. HE IS WELL
SPOKEN, BUT NOT POSH. HIS DELIVERY ALTERNATES BETWEEN
QUIET SHYNESS, THE BARELY REPRESSED RAGE OF THE TRUE
OBSESSIVE, AND POMPOSITY, AS HERE.


CROWMARSH: For me, as a bibliophile, as a hunter of literary antiquities, the chase means

everything. The quarry means nothing. Well, not nothing, otherwise I

wouldnt chase it I wouldnt even know what to chase unless (TAILS OFF.

MENTALLY REGROUPS). The quarry matters a lot. Thats a given. And then

the chase starts and the quarry doesnt matter at all, and then it ends and it

matters again. A bit more than before, if anything. But in the middle, its

not really there. Do you see?


REPORTER: Im not sure I
Page | 2

CROWMARSH: Precisely. Searching for that perfect volume is a self-reflexive mystery. Like
an upside-down palindrome. Behind a mirror. In an unconvincing wig. Yes,
tell your readers that.

REPORTER: Riiiight. But do you have any thoughts on the proposed new traffic lights on

Bridge Street?


CROWMARSH: Not...as such.


REPORTER: Fine!


SFX: FOOTSTEPS AND FADE OVER LAST LINE.


Sir! Excuse me, Sir, do you have any feelings about the controversial....



SCENE 2.

QUIET OFFICE INTERIOR. DOOR OPENS, LETTING IN SOUNDS OF
BUSY OPEN PLAN OFFICE AS MILLY ENTERS. SHE IS A FLIGHTY, BUT
NOT UNINTELLIGENT TREND-VICTIM OF ABOUT 27. SHE WOULD
WORK IN PR OR HANG OUT WITH THE EAST LONDON BLOGERATI
IF SHE WERE LESS LAZY, BUT AS IT IS SHE IS WASTING HER TIME ON
DREAMS AND HALF EFFORTS.


BOSS: Ah, yes, Milly. Do come in.


SFX: DOOR CLOSES.


I'll come straight to the point. At the funeral of a colleague, you are
expected to represent the organisation with some fragment of decorum.
The fact that that outfit revealed so much midriff was bad enough, but the
colour...

Page | 3

MILLY: But its the new black! I was being fashionably respectful. Anyway, I didnt

hear his widow complain.


BOSS: She fainted.


MILLY: Only for a bit.


BOSS: And was violently sick.


MILLY: Probably the prawn sandwiches. Rubbish catering at that do.


BOSS: There was no catering at that do, you ate the undertakers packed lunch.
However, I have another topic to discuss.

MILLY: Is it about the St. Antons report?


BOSS: Indeed. I finally received your rough draft first thing this morning.


MILLY: Today? Oh, the internal posts just getting worse and worse.


BOSS: I saw you slip it under my door.


MILLY: Oh. Sure it was me?


BOSS: The chances of two people in our organisation owning those garments are
mercifully slim. Be that as it may, I read your draft. Do you know what I
thought?

MILLY: That it was...quite...good?


Page | 4

BOSS: Yes. Yes, I did. The plans for the renovations are well within budget. The
placement of the scaffolding poses the least possible inconvenience to
pedestrian and motorist. Those parts certainly were quite good.

MILLY: Lush. Well, catch you


BOSS: But then I came to page seven. Explain the logic of painting it lime green, if
youd be so kind.

MILLY: Electric lime is going to be very in next season, I can just feel it.


BOSS: Its a Grade One listed building! Theres no leeway for lime, electric or
mechanical. Then there are the strobes.

MILLY: Did I forget the health and safety warning sign?


BOSS: No, you forgot to not fill the atrium with strobes; strobes which,
inexplicably, spell out the word nasty.

MILLY: Yeah. (LIKE KELIS OR SOMEONE) Naaastih!


BOSS: It is a deconsecrated 16
th
century chapel, it is not nasty.


MILLY: Its chilly.


BOSS: Not quite the same. Milly, if this had been a one off, I wouldnt have a
problem, but it seems symptomatic of a saddening malaise. I think its time
to remove the pressure of work from your shoulders.

MILLY: Oh, thanks, thats hang on, are you sacking me?


BOSS: No, I dont want to sack you, it would be difficult for me.
Page | 5



MILLY: Still need me on the team, despite my maverick style, yeah?


BOSS: No, the form is really long. So, in a last ditch attempt to at least nudge you
towards basic company standards, Im going to suggest you take a brief
sabbatical. Put your feet up for a week or so and work out whether town
planning is really the career for you. On full pay, naturally.

MILLY: Brill! See you in a couple of months!


BOSS: Weeks.


MILLY: Mm? Oh, yes, weeks. Thats what I meant. Weeks. Bye then.


SFX: DOOR OPENS


BOSS: Oh, quick note: by accepting this paid leave you are hereby agreeing that on
your return we can dismiss you summarily should you make the smallest of
perceived errors.

MILLY: Oh. Thats a bit...


BOSS: (WITH RELISH) Naaastih!


SFX: DOOR SLAMS SHUT.




SCENE 3.

QUIET OFFICE INTERIOR


CROWMARSH: For me, as a bibliophile, as a hunter for literary antiquities, the chase

Page | 6


HEATH: Yes, yes, so you said last time. Now please answer the question: have you
made any progress alleviating your financial shortfall?

CROWMARSH: Yes. Ive bought a cottage.


HEATH: And that helps how, exactly?


CROWMARSH: Ive sold the town house too. The increased revenues really helping to
expand my library.

HEATH: (SIGH) Mr. Gifford, Ive been your familys executor for how long now?


CROWMARSH: Long enough to know my forename Id have thought.


HEATH: Very well (DISTASTE), Crowmarsh. Its quite simple. Your inheritance is not
infinite. The speed at which you are burning through it on these frivolous
acquisitions will leave you destitute in a matter of months. Cease, or find
some source of income.

CROWMARSH: Yes, of course, Mr. Heath. I shall take your advice on board. Good bye.


SFX: DOOR CLOSES.


Buffoon! Call that financial advice? My posterior!


HEATH: Would you mind keeping it down?


CROWMARSH: You you can still hear me?


HEATH: Yes. The door isnt quite shut. You have to sort of lift it as you turn.


Page | 7

SFX: RATTLE. THE NEXT LINES DELIVERED ALMOST ON TOP OF
EACH OTHER.


CROWMARSH: How about now?


HEATH: Nearly. Wait, Ill take it from this side and well both try to


CROWMARSH: How about if I sort of turn the handle backwards?


HEATH: No, you have to kind of twist as you


CROWMARSH: Like this?


HEATH: Sort of. Look, its desperately important that


SFX: DOOR SLAMS. BEAT. DOOR OPENS.


CROWMARSH: Sorry, didnt catch that.


HEATH: What?


CROWMARSH: You said, its desperately important that-


HEATH: Right. I said


CROWMARSH: Because Id hate to miss anything vital.


HEATH: I said, its desperately important that you leave!


CROWMARSH: Got you. Ill be off, then.


SFX: CREAK.

Hang on.

SFX: RATTLE.
Page | 8



Seem to have lost the knack, ha ha. (BEAT). Do you want to help from your
side again or...Right. Got you. Leave it is, then.

FADE



SCENE 4.


SFX: FADE UP STREET SOUNDS.


MILLY: Seriously, he said I wasnt dressed appropriately for a funeral. This outfit!
Didnt like the crop top. What he doesnt know is that in India the belly
button is considered to be...well, I dont exactly know, but neither does he.
Anyway, they have their funerals in the river Gamgee, yeah? So itd be
swimming cossies all round, never mind appropriate dress. Wish Id said
that now; teach him for bringing up India.

REPORTER: (WEARY) Yes, but do you have any thoughts on the proposed new traffic
lights on Bridge Street?

MILLY: Nah, just got off the train. Havent been here in years. Is Bridge Street the
one with the, er...

REPORTER: Bridge?


MILLY: Noooo, the public mural? Has a real Banksy feel.


REPORTER: If youre referring to the graffiti depicting a phallus eating a kebab, then no.
Thats on Porcellino Way.

Page | 9


MILLY: Pity. The lights would give people more chance to study it. I love art.


REPORTER: So youre in favour, then?


MILLY: Dunno. But if these new ones have red for go and green for stop, I reckon
its brilliant. Situationist highway! Revolution!


SFX: ABSURD RINGTONE.


Oop, scuse me. Cassie! Hows youse?



MILLY: What? (BEAT) Sorry, the signals awful. (BEAT) Tonight? No, I cant, Im out
in the sticks. (BEAT) Sticks! Im staying in the family cottage for a bit. Oh
hang on. (SHOUTS) Taxi! Im getting in a cab. No, cab. No, not crab, cab.
Rhymes with cr- oh, never mind. Bysies.


REPORTER: Aargh! Will nobody talk to me about the traffic lights on Bridge Street, so I
can go home? (TEARFUL) Please.

SFX: CAR DOOR SHUTS. FADE AS IT DRIVES AWAY AND REPORTER
WEEPS.



SCENE 5.


CROWMARSH: Thursday? But thats three days away.


SFX: MUFFLED PHONE NOISES.


CROWMARSH: Thats all well and good, Mr. Brightwell, but its hardly what we agreed, is it?
Page | 10



SFX: MUFFLED PHONE NOISES. FRONT DOOR OPENS.


CROWMASRCH (Cont): No, Im not terribly happy with your services, Brightwell. I would elaborate,
because I really am most disgruntled, but I believe someones just broken
into my house.

SFX: MUFFLED PHONE NOISES.


Oh, thank you. And to you. Love to the wife.


SFX: INTERIOR DOOR OPENS. MILLY GASPS. PHONE ONTO
CRADLE.


MILLY: Who the hell are you?


CROWMARSH: I might ask the same thing. In fact, I shall. Who the hell are you?


MILLY: Oh, God, Im calling the police.


SFX: BEEPS OF MOBILE BUTTONS BEING PUSHED.


CROWMARSH: Youre calling the police? I should be calling the police. You cant break into
my house and then call the police, its not fair.

MILLY: Hello? Police? (BEAT) Cassie? Have you joined...? Oh, pressed the wrong
bloody -. Look, call the police for me, Im being robbed! No, robbed.
Robbed! Romeo, err, Oreo, Bonios, Bonios...oh, dont worry, Ive got to go.
No, go. Oh, just...bye.

SFX: BEEP.


Page | 11

CROWMARSH: If youve quite finished, would you explain what youre doing in my house?


MILLY: Your house? But this is Poos Corner


CROWMARSH: (AUDIBLY SHUDDERS) Not any more. Dear lady, what you are standing in is
my new abode.

MILLY: Uncle Poo would never sell it.


CROWMARSH: Evidently he would. Here are the deeds, if youre curious.


SFX: PAPERY SHUFFLE.


MILLY: But hes had this place for years. Decades. Centur- actually not centuries.
Why now?

CROWMARSH: I suspect his dying had some bearing on it.


MILLY: Hes dead?


CROWMARSH: Um, yes. Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings. About eighteen months ago,
I believe. (BEAT) Close, were you?

MILLY: Very. Veryish. As close as anyone can be to an uncle in this topsy-turvy
world. Anyway, less the questions, Im trying to grieve here. (BEAT) Stick
the kettle on, eh?

CROWMARSH: But theres only one cup.


MILLY: Ive only got one mouth. Chop chop!


CROWMARSH: Oh, errr...

Page | 12


FADE.



SCENE 6.


SFX: FADE UP ON CHINA TINKS AND TEA BEING SLURPED.


MILLY: Aah, much better. Thank you, um, Graham, is it?


CROWMARSH: No, Crowmarsh, Crowmarsh Gifford. Why on earth would you think its
Graham?

MILLY: Thats the name on the deeds.


CROWMARSH: Really?


SFX: PAPERY SHUFFLE.


Holy Roman Empire, youre right! That's another mark in the tally of
incompetence. Brightwell & Baldwin estate agents have been a disaster.

MILLY: That's why we're sitting on the floor then.

CROWMARSH: Indeed. My lifes work has been delayed through sheer idiocy.

MILLY: And what is this life's work, Crowsnest?

CROWMARSH: Crowmarsh. I'm involved in...hunting.

MILLY: Oh God, that's terrible! Those poor little-

CROWMARSH: No, no. I collect rare books. Have to hunt them down, you see? (SILLY
Page | 13

ANNOUNCER VOICE) No animals were harmed in the making of this
vocation.

MILLY: Why would you do that?

CROWMARSH: Just trying to break the tension, you know, (TRAILING OFF) sort of vocally
impersonate the, err...

MILLY: Jesus, Crowbar, I mean why collect books?

CROWMARSH: Why does a mountaineer climb the Matterhorn?

MILLY: Because its there?

CROWMARSH: Precisely

MILLY: But the books not there. Otherwise youd already have it.

CROWMARSH: Yes, but imagine a palindrome wrapped around a oh, forget it. Well,
I'm sorry that your trip has been wasted, ummm...?

MILLY: Milly.

CROWMARSH: Millicent.

MILLY: (FIRMLY) Milly.

CROWMARSH: Very well. Milly (LOW) cent. I'm very sorry but I do have an awful lot to get
done, so if you wouldnt mind toddling off
Page | 14

MILLY: Yeah, about that. Theres something else I spotted on the deeds. The dates
a bit off. Look.
CROWMARSH: Great Gutenbergs ghost!

MILLY: It does say the twenty-first, yeah?

CROWMARSH: Yes.

MILLY: And thats a week away?

CROWMARSH: Err...

MILLY: Yup. So you dont strictly own this place until then

CROWMARSH: But-

MILLY: So in fact Im perfectly within my rights to stay until then, yeah?

CROWMARSH: I, um, that is, I dont know. Maybe I should check with the estate.

MILLY: I am the estate. Give or take. Hey, youll hardly notice Im here.

CROWMARSH: No, no, no, this wont do.

MILLY: But Im all alone in the middle of nowhere. Surely all those books teach that
you should always help a damsel in distress?
CROWMARSH: Unless they turn out to be some appalling harpy.

Page | 15

MILLY: Well I cant even play any instruments. Unless you count DJing with
dictaphones at a private view. That was boss.
CROWMARSH: (SIGH) Oh, alright then, if chivalry dictates.

MILLY: Skilliant! (AWKWARD SILENCE) Well?

CROWMARSH: Well what?

MILLY: Well arent you going to ask me anything about myself? Ive been listening
to your life story all afternoon and you havent asked me anything except
my name.
CROWMARSH: Yes, youre absolutely right. (AWKWARD SILENCE) Oh. Right. So. Um.
Millicent. Why dont you tell me about yourself?
MILLY: (AIR OF PREREHEARSED SPEECH) I live my life as a series of moments. I
dont look for experiences but fragmentary frissons, spasms of the soul. My
life is a string of blurs and sensations, nothing more.
CROWMARSH: Are you an alcoholic?

MILLY: I see youre having difficulties, Ill keep it simple. I work in town planning,
which I hate, so Ive come on holiday, which I hate, to the countryside,
which I hate, to find you...who Im not sure about yet.
CROWMARSH: Um, thank you?



Page | 16

MILLY: Not a thang. Im resting you see. Off work for stress. They dont understand
me there. My life force. My non-Western philosophy. My concept of
lunchbreak. Im like a loud fish in a quiet pond. Have to rural it up for a
couple of weeks. So whats there to do around here?
CROWMARSH: Not a great deal. Theres nothing here yet but the kettle and the cup, and
youre already well acquainted with them. Oh, except, hang on.
SFX: RUMMAGING.

I found these lodged behind the immersion heater. I imagine they must
have been your Uncles.
MILLY: Give it here.

SFX: RUSTLING OF PAPER.

Oh, just some old mildewed magazines.

SFX: AFTER EACH TITLE WE HEAR HER THROWING IT ACROSS THE
ROOM.

Horse & Hound. Horse Weekly. World Of Hound. Small Horses Disguised As
Largish Hounds. Rubbish! No, wait. This looks like a letter. (READS) My
dearest Pusey. Glorious weather. Spent the day with the family outside,
playing Blind Mans Doggle and Rampy Susan. Aah, sounds sweet. (READS)
Luncheon: Beach picnic. Much distress when Augusta lost her golliwog.
(SLIGHT GIGGLE) Not the word wed use, sort of funny.
CROWMARSH: Mmm, quite.
Page | 17

MILLY: (READS) Abercrombie played in the blazing sun all day. Came home brown
as a sambo. (EMBARASSED LAUGH) Well, he doesnt mean it in a racist way.
(READS) Threw stones at a Chinky. Shat on the Koran oh dear!
CROWMARSH: Well, they were different times.

MILLY: It's dated 1991.

CROWMARSH: Ah. Whos it from?

MILLY: Some small minded bigot or other. I cant make out the signature.

CROWMARSH: Lets see.

SFX: PAPERY SHUFFLE.

Looks like Montague. Oh my green galoshes! Listen to this part of the letter.
(READS) Many thanks for the loan of the Peppard, a most fascinating
volume. Pick it up when youre free.
MILLY: And?

CROWMARSH: If theyre discussing the book I think theyre discussing then, oh, I hardly
dreamt that this moment would come! If I only knew from whence it
originated.

MILLY: Probably the video shop in town: the letter heading says Montys Video.

CROWMARSH: My God, youre right! I must away at once.
Page | 18

MILLY: What? The book wont be there, it was yonks ago. Youre not awaying
anywhere.
CROWMARSH: This is the true life of the collector, my dear! The thrill of the chase! The
seizing of the moment!
MILLY: The three mile walk down a muddy lane to visit a shop that probably went
bust before the millennium fireworks were cold.
CROWMARSH: Well, yes, but mostly the other two. Ive got to go. Now.

MILLY: Hang on, Ill join you. Might kill a few sickening countryside hours. Besides, I
could rent a film.
CROWMARSH: Theres no television.

MILLY: Yeah, but I can look at the pictures on the back really close up and pretend
Ive got it on pause.
CROWMARSH: Fine, but we must be swift! This book is doubtless Sir Rotherfield Peppards
groundbreaking Victorian study of world religions. What made it truly
impressive is that he wrote it without ever leaving London, carrying out all
his ample research in the library of his club, after luncheon brandies.
MILLY: Did he get much wrong?

CROWMARSH: Almost everything, but he got it wrong first. I must have it! I must have a
copy of Peppards Prayer To The Pineapple Vine: A Comparative Study of
Belief and Superstition.

Page | 19

EXTRACT 1.


SFX: EXTRACTS ARE ALL BOOKENDED BY SOUND OF PAGES BEING
RIFFLED.


LECTOR: Associative or congenital magics are prevalent amongst the majority of
peoples of our world of terra mundus globulum worldii. For example,
amongst the natives of Papua New Guinea, the Minak people once created
tiger totems which they utilised to ward dangerous tigers from the area.
This caused a major conflict with the neighbouring Wewang tribe, who took
the line that illustrating tigers would in fact attract tigers, and so attempted
to repel tigers by creating images of things that are not tigers. After three
generations of bloody bellicosity a wise shaman, Untagu, united the warring
factions by introducing a new, hybrid magical iconography, in which a glyph
of a tiger in a circular shield dissected by a transverse line meant, no
tigers, whereas a red triangle meant Warning, tigers. He also instigated a
tiger limit, that was lower in built up areas. Untagus system was entirely
effective, possibly due to the fact that there are no tigers in Papua New
Guinea. There is a fish called the New Guinea Tiger, although inexplicably it
is known in the local language as a Swindon Pomegranate.


SFX: PAGES RIFFLE



SCENE 7.


VIDEO SHOP INTERIOR. IT IS BEREFT OF CUSTOMERS.


KEV: Mission Impossible

Page | 20

TREV: Ooh, good one. How aboouuuuuuut The Shining?

KEV: Never!

TREV: You what?

KEV: The Shining is great, but it could never beat up Mission impossible. Its too
subtle, too mysterious, for a start.
TREV: Yeah, thats what you think, but thats the strength, innit? It could hold
back, tire the other one out. Yeah, sure Mission Impossibles stronger, got
the longer reach, but it doesnt have the form for a whole bout. So, right,
The Shinings there, hanging back, Impossibles thinking, Piece of piss, this,
and comes in with a quick one two in the face. Pow, sweat on a floor alarm,
boof, there goes Prague. Shining looks like its down, but its never, right, it
comes back just when youre not expecting it, slam, an elbow in the kidneys
as a corpse gets out of a bath, wham, heel to the nose when the blood
comes out of the lift. Artery corridor! Oh no, thinks Impossible, but hes
stuck, yeah? He has one last fight back, but its just desperate swinging now
- a helicopter in a tunnel? Easily blocked. Before you know it, Impossibles
legs are swept out from under it by Scatman Crothers axed in the foyer,
nobody saw that coming. Bish bosh, bathroom splinter face and frozen maze
freak. End of.
SFX: DOOR OPENS. SHOP BELL.

CROWMARSH: What ho. Good afternoon, gents, sorry to trouble you, but-

TREV: (BORED) Yes.
Page | 21

CROWMARSH: Pardon?

TREV: Yes, we do have DVDs, not video cassettes.

CROWMARSH: Riiiight.

KEV: Video is just the generic name for the culture of the moving image. Its from
the Greek.
CROWMARSH: Its actually from the Latin, but-

TREV: Youd hardly complain about a record shop called Montys Audio, would
you? No bloody difference is there? So stop going on about it for Christs
sake.
KEV: Chill, Trev.

TREV: Sorry Kev.

CROWMARSH: I dont want to rent a film.

MILLY: I do.

CROWMARSH: Shh. I was looking for a book.

KEV: Yeah, right, Grandad!

TREV: Whats a book, Kev?

KEV: You had one at school, remember? Big Mary made you eat it.
Page | 22

TREV: Oh yeah. It was orrible.

KEV: Do people still use those? Not something folk mention much nowadays.

MILLY: (CHUCKLES) Like the proposed traffic lights on Bridge Street.

TREV: (ACTION HERO ANGST) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

KEV: Now look what youve done! He hates the proposed traffic lights on Bridge
Street. Goes on about them for hours. There, there, Trev, old thing.
TREV WHIMPERS.

CROWMARSH: Look, Ill really be no trouble, but a book was leant to Mr Montague
Albertine and
KEV: (EMOTIONAL) You...you knew my father?

CROWMARSH: (PAUSE TO WEIGH IT UP) Yep.

MILLY: (LOW) Whats going on?

CROWMARSH: (LOW) Paternity is the only meaningful theme in the cinema of the past
twenty years, its all these boys understand. (DRAMATIC) Yes, I knew
him...all too well.
KEV: Too well?

CROWMARSH: Well, not too well, that doesnt really make sense. Sorry about that, it was
a mistake. (DRAMATIC) But I knew him...a bit.
Page | 23

TREV: (SUSPICIOUS) What was he like then, Kevs Dad?

CROWMARSH: He...well, that is to say...

MILLY: He came to me in a dream!

KEV: No, I dont think so, so if youll just

CROWMARSH: No, wait! He came to me in a...Budgens

TREV: What did he buy?

CROWMARSH: (FREEWHEELING) A packet...of...mini Mowbrays?

KEV: What are they?

CROWMARSH: Individual pork pies produced for the snack market. Quite delicious. Some
of them have extra flavours. Picalilli, apple sauce. Actually within the pastry
shell. Rather ingenious.
KEV: He was a vegetarian!

CROWMARSH: Aha. But he was buying them for...some orphans?

KEV: (BREAKING DOWN) Daddy!!

CROWMARSH: And he said to me Seek ye my offspring

TREV: He never!
Page | 24

CROWMARSH: I meant, he said Go find my lad. Tell him to always be true to himself...to
do, every time the ...thing...that is...good...(QUICKLY) and to let any friend of
mine that comes calling nip in to the back room to look for a book.
MILLY: And you know what films teach us: always always obey your father. Unless
hes a high-ranking general in a galaxy spanning tyrant empire...which is fine
in this instance.
KEV: Go on, heres the key, the doors over there.

TREV: You sure, Kev? I dont like the look of them.

CROWMARSH: (OFF) Oh, and he also said, Stop watching all those rubbish films and do
something cultural like read a book, and stop listening to your mate from
the shop, hes a great big
MILLY: Come on!

SFX: KEY TURNS IN LOCK. SHOP DOOR AND BELL.

WOMAN: Excuse me, do you have change for the car park, please?

TREV: NOOOO-

SFX: CUT OFF BY CLOSING DOOR.

MILLY: This really is a lot of effort to go to just to get a copy of The Mango Chapel.

CROWMARSH: You mean Prayer To The Pineapple Vine: A Comparative Study of Belief and
Superstition.
Page | 25



EXTRACT 2.


SFX: PAGES RIFFLE.


LECTOR: Leadership is a nebulous concept in a wide variety of cultures. Whilst a
number of primitive societies operate a species of democratic oligarchy,
there is often no differentiation between leadership, knowledge and
spirituality. The (ELABORATELY PRONOUNCED) Es-qui-maux peoples of the
Southern Sahara, for example, place the leadership of the group in the
elected impala, who is simultaneously the chinkara, or magician, the
rhebok, or healer, and the (EMPHASIS ON WRONG SYLLABLES)
Thompsonsgazelle, or postman.

SFX: PAGES RIFFLE.



SCENE 8.


VIDEO SHOP BACK ROOM.


MILLY: Euuuuw, whats that smell?

CROWMARSH: Id surmise its a decades worth of the boys lunch.

MILLY: Yuck-o. And look at these well ancient videos.

CROWMARSH: Theres got to be something else here.

MILLY: Has there?
Page | 26

CROWMARSH: Yes. The videos are stacked alphabetically. I cant see any after L, so there
must be more.
MILLY: Wow, that was actually pretty not bad deducing.

CROWMARSH: And that was very nearly grammatically valid.

MILLY: What about that cupboard?

CROWMARSH: Well spotted, that girl! (PUNY STRUGGLES) Theres no handle.

MILLY: (SIGH) Here. If I break a nail on this, youre going to owe my manicurist big
time.
SFX: CREAKING DOOR.

Eurgh! Well grimy!

CROWMARSH: Grimy, granted, but cupboard, no. Thats a whole room back there. Come
on.
MILLY: Youre seriously expecting me to follow a stranger into a filthy dark room?

CROWMARSH: Youre welcome to stay in the filthy bright room and wait for Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern to change their minds if youd rather.
MILLY: Good point. Lead on.

SFX: ECHOING FOOTSTEPS. DRIPS FROM CEILING.

MILLY: Its dark in here like playing Blind mans Doggle.
Page | 27

CROWMARSH: What is that?

MILLY: I thought everyone knew! You have

CROWMARSH: No time! Look! The rest of the VHS alphabet. Oh, I know the books here. I
can smell it.
MILLY: You can identify books by their smell?

CROWMARSH: Figure of speech. (BEAT) But, essentially, yes. Biography smells of
cinnamon, and romance is redolent of cranberry and latex. Then theres -
MILLY: Wow! Over here!

SFX: HURRIED FOOTSTEPS.

CROWMARSH: Oh, oh, oh, have you found it? (BEAT) Millicent, that is a video.

MILLY: Check it out, but.

CROWMARSH: The Conkerbury Tales.

MILLY: Thats booky isnt it? Look, it has Su Pollard as the Wife of Birdbath.
Fantastic!
CROWMARSH: Come on, were book hunting, not ridiculing bad films.

MILLY: No, seriously, though: Nick Berry as the Squirrel Miller! That is bare rubbish!
We should totally watch it.
Page | 28

CROWMARSH: (TETCHY) We shall not even partially watch it! Its a cartoon! For children!
Is your life so tiny you must poke fun at some obsolete old rubbish?
MILLY: (ANGRY) Better than chasing even obsoleter even rubbisher old rubbish!
Now, are you going to hassle me all day, or are we going to find the damned
book?
CROWMARSH: (SMALL VOICE) Book.

MILLY: Come on then.

SFX: ECHOING FOOTSTEPS.

CROWMARSH: Interesting.

MILLY: Im not talking to you.

CROWMARSH: Fine, Ill investigate the images carved into the linoleum floor myself.

MILLY: Cool, budge up! Look, this ones a clown. A clown with a machete.

CROWMARSH: I think this ones meant to be a nun with a revolver. And a machete. And
thats a policeman with six arms.
MILLY: That one's not an arm.

CROWMARSH: Oh.

MILLY: But youve got to admire the way he's adapted the standard uniform. And
he does have -
Page | 29

KID: A machete!

CROWMARSH AND MILLY GASP. THE KID TALKS THROUGHOUT
LIKE A CHILD PRETENDING TO BE A REDSKIN WARRIOR.

KID: Who dares trespass in my domain? None may gain entry to my domain! Me
king of film. And prince of pain. Domain of pain.
CROWMARSH: (GIRLISH SQUEAL)

MILLY: Ace. Great to meet you, Im Milly and this is Crowmarsh, but dont mind
him.
KID: This my domain into which you have stridden. Sit down floorward, before I
cut you. Before I cut you like producers daughters cameo.
CROWMARSH: (LOW) Has he got a knife?

MILLY: (LOW) No, but that pizza crust looks pretty jagged.

KID: Silence! I cut you badly like Blaxploitation montage!

MILLY: Soz. Rant away.

KID: I am king of film. This my mighty...err

MILLY: Domain?

KID: Exactly! Ladygirl has found um mot juste. I rule here all my life, since baby
child.
Page | 30

MILLY: That cant be right.

KID: Me come to kingdom when me six year old. Carefree child. Play Blind
Mans Doggle. Me want watch film. Trancers 2. Kingdom guardian say no.
Fifteen certificate. Come back when you older. Me clever. No need come
back. Me been here ever since. Hide in back room. Me learn survival skills
from Rambo. Me learn everything from film. Me learn talk proper from
John Wayne films.
MILLY: You sound nothing like him.

KID: Learn from Indians. Always support underdog.

MILLY: But what do you eat?

KID: Movie food! Hot dog!

CROWMARSH: Really?

KID: Yes. When put them on radiator. Otherwise cold dog. Ha! King make joke.
Much to eat in kingdom. Foraging bring much bounty. Popcorn, pizza crust,
old chip, anything me find out in yard of plenty. But this end our tattle
about diet. You in my world now. Sit awhile a-down and watch one of the
entire history of film in my rackings. Then, later, me kill you.
MILLY: That seems a little extreme.

KID: None may look upon my domain and live!

Page | 31

MILLY: And have any looked upon it before?

KID: Many. Mainly mice. But few escaped with lives. Well, me sat on some
once.
CROWMARSH: But, this isnt the entire history of film. These only start at M for one thing.

KID : (SCREECHING) There is no film starting with letter before M!!

MILLY: Doesnt look like any were made after the early 90s either.

KID: (SCREECHING) There is no film made since 1991! I decree it.

MILLY: Whatever.

KID: (BECOMING QUIET AND MELANCHOLIC AS HE GOES ON) There is no film
that isnt actually quite disappointing, even if you sort of enjoy bits of it!
Looks sort of cheap and unfinished. Major plot holes. This be credo of my
domain.
CROWMARSH: Thats because all your films are atrocious. There are plenty of great films
youve not seen even ones made before 1991 from the latter half of the
alphabet. I bet youve never seen The Seventh Seal.
KID: Is it like Navy Seals?

CROWMARSH: Not vastly.

MILLY: Ive never heard of it.

Page | 32

CROWMARSH: Its a masterpiece of Swedish expressionism, wherein an anachronistically
existential medieval knight
MILLY: Black and white?

CROWMARSH: Yes.

MILLY: Heard enough. You were saying, Mr King?

KID: Me know all the greats. Reach For The Skies III: The Man With Trionic Legs.
Casablanca II Heres Looking At Your Corpse; Herbie Does Dallas; The Big
Sleep III: Slumberparty (HOLLYWOOD VOICEOVER) Bigger! Sleepier!
Sexier!; Great Expectations II: Expect Pain!; Fantastic Voyage VII: The Battle
For The Duodenum.
MILLY: But, hang on some of those begin with letters before N.

KID: Ah, me have not seen all these films, but know them. (MYSTICAL) I have
seen them blown on the breezes of the future; I have heard them whispered
by the geese of tomorrow; tasted them in the spray of the sprightly
potential sturgeon; imagined them weaved into the webs of the Arachnids
of Things That Havent Happened Yet But Might Well Soon At Some Point In
The Near Future, Soon.
MILLY: Youve seen them in trailers on your videos?

KID: Yes. Although as my spirit father, Great Running Time, might have said, that
is heap unpoetic.
Page | 33

CROWMARSH: Well, your so-called majesty, how can there be trailers for films that have
never been made? Hmmm?

KID: Well, Im not...


CROWMARSH: And if other films exist, how can you be sure there arent more youve not
seen? How can you be sure there arent films from after 1991? In fact, how
can you be sure it isnt still 1991, stuck in here?

KID: It not 1991! Me know for sure. See, these wall scratches mark the many
days me rule kingdom. When mural of Robert ZDar in defining role as
Maniac Cop completed, it magic day. Me reach fifteen years. Become man.
Watch Trancers 2. But still far flung, future date.

MILLY: When is it in real person years?


KID: October seven, two thousand one.


CROWMARSH: What? But, thats


MILLY: Today!


CROWMARSH: Eh?


KID: Really? No jokey-funs?


MILLY: Sure is! You must have got your calculations wrong. Happy birthday your
kingness!

CROWMARSH: But its not


Page | 34

MILLY: And you know what I saw out the front of the shop? Only a brand new copy
of Trancers 2.

KID: On VHS?


MILLY: Of course. Blu-ray hasnt been invented yet. Never will be. No such thing.
Dont know why I even said it. So, would you like us to fetch it for you?

KID: Yes! Maybe we could watch...together?


MILLY: Yes, Im sure we could.


KID: And, as me now man, me touch you on the


MILLY: Well, well see. Come on, Marshy, lets get out of here. Err, so that we can
quickly come back, naturally.

CROWMARSH: (LOW) But what about the book?


MILLY: (LOW) God, youre as bad as him! (NORMAL) Before we nip out Your
Majesticalness, you havent seen a book lying around, by any chance?

KID: Ah yes. Me use as pillow.


CROWMARSH: Yes! Yes! Hand it over!


MILLY: There you go. Right, well see you in a minute, lordy lord. Keep the domain
warm for us.

SFX : SWIFT FOOTSTEPS.


KID: (OFF) Bring back popcorn!
Page | 35

CROWMARSH: I cant believe Ive got it!! Prayer To The Pineapple Vine: A Comparative
Study In belief And Susperstition.


EXTRACT 3.


SFX: PAGES RIFFLE.

LECTOR: We have discussed the prevalence of taboos across all branches of
humanity. The Iffli tribe of the Lower Upper Middle Slightly Left Himalayas
share many taboos with equivalent peoples across Asia: it is considered
unholy to kill a man, commit rape or steal. However, in their culture it is
also taboo to discuss taboos, so whilst the punishment for breaking these
interdictions is to be bled to death in the cactus paddy mangroves of
neighbouring Sudan, to encourage crop fertility, such punishment is never
actually carried out, as the judiciary would immediately be tarred with the
same sin as the culpable party. Therefore, the Iffli people have
inadvertently created a system of social governance in which all major laws
are adhered to, without any effort expended in enforcement. However, this
is a savage race, and I am pleased to note that numerous missions are
involved in civilising them as I write.
SFX: PAGES RIFFLE


SCENE 9.


VIDEO SHOP INTERIOR.


KEV: Ive been thinking, Trev.

Page | 36

TREV: Yeah?

KEV: About what my old man said. Maybe we should broaden our horizons.
Tonight, Ive got us tickets for some traditional Japanese theatre.
TREV: NOOOOOOOOOOOH!

KEV: Kabuki, actually, but good effort. Ill check the door times.

TREV: Hang on Kev. Didnt your Dad move to Bognor?

KEV: Yeah. (BEAT) Hes not dead, is he?

TREV: Doubt it.

KEV: Ah well. Not mad on him anyway.

KID: (VERY DISTANT AND MUFFLED) Hello?

TREV: Its that weird noise again Kev.

KEV: Do you want to go see what it is?

TREV: God, no.

KEV: Me either. Dont worry, itll stop in a minute.

KID: (DISTANT, MUFFLED AND CONFUSED) Hello?

KEV: It always does.
Page | 37

FADE.

SCENE 10.

CROWMARSH'S HOME. SFX: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.

MILLY: Good to be home.

CROWMARSH: My home.

MILLY: Not still on about that, are you? So, are you going to start reading that thing
now?
CROWMARSH: God, no. First I've got to catalogue it properly. Then it needs to be given its
allocated shelf space.
MILLY: The shelves arent here yet.

CROWMARSH: True, but I can't alter the system. I have to read through my new
acquisitions in the order in which I purchased them. Otherwise there'd be
anarchy.
MILLY: I went out with an anarchist once. Surprisingly punctual.

CROWMARSH: Yes, just another three thousand, four hundred and twelve books and I can
start this one.
MILLY: What? So why was it so urgent that we had to get it today?

CROWMARSH: You can never pass up on the chase, Millicent. Such is the lot of the
bibliophile.
Page | 38

MILLY: I heard there's a register for those.

CROWMARSH: No, you see a bibliophile is actually someone who

MILLY: I know, Crowbo, I know. It was a joke. I'm not a complete ignorpottamous.
Im on the ball, even if I am off work with stress for 6 months.
CROWMARSH: I thought you said two weeks.

MILLY: I reckon I can string it out.

CROWMARSH: Hmmm. But I really must thank you again. Without you I would never have
found
MILLY: Yeah yeah yeah, dont say it again! So, is it always exciting scrapes, this
hoarding lark?
CROWMARSH: Oh yes. Well. A bit. Mostly it involves trawling through piles of dusty
rubbish in some fat old traders attic. A lot of them try to touch me.
(WISTFUL) Punching them in the face is the saddest thing. They flop down
like chefs hats made from marzipan. No life left in them.
MILLY: Nice.

CROWMARSH: But, I assure you, when I pass on, posterity will thank me for the peerless
library I have amassed, that I shall bequeath to the nation. Unless I get
planning permission for my mausoleum. Then theyre all coming with me!
MILLY: What, you want to build some sort of massive marble pyramid?

CROWMARSH: It doesnt have to be marble.
Page | 39

MILLY: You think your name will live on in history? Seriously? Crowy, even your
estate agent couldnt remember it.
CROWMARSH: Youre probably right. At the rate things are going, Ill be lucky to get a
paupers grave. Theyll probably just fling my carcass into the sea let the
fishes feast.
MILLY: I think feast is pushing it.

CROWMARSH: Its an expensive habit, you see. I have to find a source of income otherwise
Im scuppered. A lodger, even.
MILLY: And I have to find somewhere quiet to stay whilst I bunk off work. (SIGH)
Wait a minute! Ive got an idea!
CROWMARSH: I think I have the same idea.

MILLY: We should totally try to bring back the codpiece. Wouldnt it be great if we
made them in the shape of vintage Space Invaders? If youre gay the legs
would point out, and if youre straight the legs would point in...and, for the
bisexuals who are great, by the way theyd go in and out like on the
game.
CROWMARSH: Well, OK, but

MILLY: Bloop bloop bloop bloop. Brilliant.

CROWMARSH: Fascinating though that is, I was thinking perhaps you could be my lodger.

MILLY: Oh yes, obviously. I thought that was a given.

Page | 40

CROWMARSH: Well then, welcome to your new abode, Millicent.

MILLY: Aces! Now go and stick the kettle on. Then afterwards, we can get this
medieval hosiery plan sorted! How about some sort of Pac Man bra? Oh
my days! Defender suspenders!
CROWMARSH: You know, there was something my grandfather always used to say that
seems strangely relevant at this moment.
FSFX: FADE UP TICKING OF GRANDFATHER CLOCK AND LOGS
BURNING IN A HEARTH

GRANDFATHER: (V.O.) Watering cans dont belong in the garden, my boy. I know, it sounds
illogical, but think about it. Do you store your saucepans on your stove? Do
you keep the besom in the middle of the pantry? No, quite. Just because a
device is utilised somewhere, theres no need to store it there. In fact, its
often detrimental, and an unattended watering can left in a secluded arbour
can ruin a bucolic view, and perhaps [chuckle] perhaps cause a hazardous
fall for an old moon spotter. So, at the risk of being homiletic, keep your
watering can in the potting shed, with the gardening implements, and only
remove it for irrigation purposes. I think this rule can be applied to life in
general, dont you, old sport?
FADE OUT CLOCK AND FIRE

CROWMARSH: (PAUSE. LABOURED) He said.

Page | 41

MILLY: (LONG PAUSE. DISMISSIVE) Right, yeah, priceless. Just time for a quick
game of Blind Mans Doggle whilst the kettle boils. Shall we say, fiver a
round?
GRAMS: THEME MUSIC AND CREDITS.

END