How to Win Friends and InfIuence

PeopIe in the DigitaI Age ~ Dale Carnegie Associates

Why Carnegie's Advice
Still Matters
Notes
In 1936 , Dale Carnegie made a
compelling statement to his readers:
Dealing with people is probably
the biggest problem you ace.` 1his
is the oundation o low to \in
lriends and Inluence People, and it
is still true today.
Messaging speed is instantaneous.
Communication media hae
multiplied. Networks hae expanded
beyond borders, industries, and
ideologies. \et rather than making
the principles in this book obsolete,
these major changes hae made
Carnegie`s principles more releant
than eer.
I you don`t begin with the right
oundation, it is easy to send the
wrong message, to oend, or to all
embarrassingly short o your
objectie. Precision o
communication,` insisted American
writer James 1hurber, is important,
more important than eer, in our era
o hair-trigger balances, when a
alse, or misunderstood, word may
create as much disaster as a sudden
thoughtless act.`
Consider the era o hair-trigger
balances in which we lie today,
more than ity years ater 1hurber
penned the phrase. 1he stakes are
higher. Amid the amalgam o
media, distinction is more diicult.
Lery word, eery nonerbal cue,
eery silent stare is scrutinized as it
has neer been beore.
1he art o communication is the
language o leadership,` said the
presidential speechwriter James
lumes.
1here is no such thing as a neutral
exchange. \ou leae someone either
a little better or a little worse. 1he
best among us leae others a little
better with eery nod, eery
inlection, eery interace. 1his one
idea embodied daily has signiicant
results.
It will improe your relationships
and expand your inluence with
others, yes. But it will do so because
the daily exercise elicits greater
character and compassion rom you.
\ou can make more riends in two
months by becoming more
interested in other people than you
can in two years by trying to get
people interested in you.` Carnegie`s
assertion remains releant, albeit
counterintuitie, because it reminds
us the secret to progress with
people is a measure o sellessness
swept under the drit o the digital
age.
\e witness allegedly leaked sex
ideos create oernight celebrities.
\e watch talking heads and political
pundits tear down their competition
and eleate their ratings. \e are
daily tempted to beliee that the
best publicity strategy is a mix o
gimmick and parody run through
the most irally proicient medium.
1he temptation is too much or
many. But or those who understand
the basics o human relations, there
is a ar better, ar more reputable,
ar more sustainable way to operate.
More Than Clever
Communication
Communication is simply an
outward maniestation o our
thoughts, our intentions, and our
conclusions about the people
around us. Out o the oerlow o
the heart the mouth speaks.` 4
1hese internal driers are the
primary dierentiator between
today`s leader and today`s relational
leech. 1he two highest leels o
inluence are achieed when ,1,
people ollow you because o what
you`e done or them and ,2, people
ollow you because o who you are.
In other words, the highest leels o
inluence are reached when
generosity and trustworthiness
surround your behaior.
Lery medium you use must be
illed with messages that build trust,
coney gratitude, and add alue to
the recipients. 1he one thing that
has not changed since Carnegie`s
time is that there is still a clear
distinction between inluence that is
borrowed ,and is diicult to sustain,
and inluence that is earned , and is
as steady as earth`s axis,. Carnegie
was the master o inluence that is
earned.
Consider a ew o his oundational
principles- don`t criticize,
condemn, or complain, talk about
others` interests, i you`re wrong,
admit it, let others sae ace. Such
principles don`t make you a cleer
conersationalist or a resourceul
raconteur. 1hey remind you to
consider others` needs beore you
speak. 1hey encourage you to
address diicult subjects honestly
and graciously. 1hey prod you to
become a kinder, humbler manager,
spouse , colleague, salesperson, and
parent. Ultimately, they challenge
you to gain inluence in others` lies
not through showmanship or
manipulation but through a genuine
habit o expressing greater respect,
empathy, and grace.
\our reward Rich, enduring
riendships. 1rustworthy
transactions. Compelling leadership.
And amid today`s mass o me-isms,
a ery distinguishing trademark.
1he irony is that Carnegie would
not endorse all o today`s sel-help
adice. le extolled action that
sprang rom genuine interest in
others. le taught principles that
lowed rom an underlying delight in
helping others succeed. \ere the
book recategorized , low to \in
lriends would be more
appropriately deemed the bestselling
soul-help book in the world. lor it is
the soulish underpinning o the
Golden Rule that Carnegie extracted
so well.
Starting Soft
Does the hard-skilled manager who
sits in loty obscurity lording oer
his reports trump the hard-skilled
manager who walks among his
people, who is known, seen, and
respected by his people \hile the
ormer might win some success by
orcing his hand or a time, his
inluence is atally lawed because
his power is not bestowed on him
by his people. lis inluence is only a
eneer o leerage with a short
shel lie.
\e lose the aith o riends, amily
members, and others when we
ollow the steps o relational
success without eeding the essence
o the relationships- the
measuring and meeting o human
needs.
\hat makes so many well-meaning
people get this wrong Perhaps the
ethereal nature o sot skills leads us
astray. \e can lean unilaterally on
what is measurable.
lard skills can be tested, taught ,
and transerred. Most business
books are written with this in mind
because we can pinpoint hard skill
progress-indiidually and
corporately- with charts, metrics,
and reports.
Not so o sot skills. 1hey can be
diicult to reduce to steps. 1hey are
oten messy and only crudely
quantiiable through better
responses and improed
relationships. \et aren`t these the
best measurements o all \hat
good is a list o accomplishments i
they hae led to relational regress
\hen any progress is bookended by
sel-promotion and sel-indulgence,
it will not last.
On a small scale, do we keep riends
whose actions regularly demonstrate
the relationship is about them
\hen we learn a person`s behaior
has an ulterior motie, he has less
inluence with us than someone
we`e met only once. 1he
relationship is doomed unless he
conesses and makes a change. Len
then, a residue o skepticism will
remain.
On a large scale, do we remain loyal
to brands that regularly demonstrate
either an inability or an
unwillingness to embrace our needs
and desires Gone are the days
when the majority o companies tell
consumers what they need. \e lie
in a day when consumers hold the
majority on design, manuacturing,
and marketing decisions. Going
green` was once a small, well-
meaning ad campaign or a handul
o products. 1he collectie
consumer oice has made it a
mandatory marketing mantra.
Indiiduals and companies
insensitie to sot skill success miss
the mark today.
Some insist you can`t teach sot skill
instincts. It is true i you approach
sot skills with a hard skill
methodology. Carnegie didn`t make
this mistake. le discoered that
altruistic instincts rise to the surace
not rom shrewd step-by-step
strategy but rom the exercising o
core desires. \hen we behae in
ways that beriend and positiely
inluence others, we tap a deeper
well o inspiration, meaning, and
resourceulness.
lardwired into all o us is the desire
or honest communication- to
understand and be understood.
Beyond that, or authentic
connection -to be known,
accepted, and alued. Beyond that
still, or successul collaboration-
to work together toward meaningul
achieement be it commercial
success, corporate ictory, or
relational longeity . 1he crowning
essence o success lies along a
spectrum between authentic human
connection ,winning riends, and
meaningul, progressie impact
,inluencing people,.
\hen you put the medium beore
the meaning, your message is in
danger o becoming, in the words
o Shakespeare`s Macbeth, a tale,
told by an idiot, ull o sound and
ury, signiying nothing.`
But it is not only the messages going
out at 140 characters or less that are
at risk o signiying nothing. Any
medium carrying a message that
lacks meaning will all short o its
intention : a teleision ad, a
department memo, a client email, a
birthday card.
Straightforward Advice
for Succeeding with
People Today
1he reason low to \in lriends
and Inluence People remains a top
seller to this day, moing more than
250,000 units in the United States
alone in 2010, is that the principles
within it are simple yet timeless.
It is important to remember that in
Carnegie`s time the many media o
eneered identities ,websites,
lacebook, LinkedIn, 1witter, and
gimmick-laden persuasion ,pop-up
ads, celebrity endorsements,
teleangelism, were not around. 1he
idea o winning riends had not
been reduced to an accept` button.
1he idea o inluencing people did
not include the baggage o a hal
century`s worth o inlated ad
campaigns, corporate deception, and
double-liing luminaries. Carnegie
had an intuitie reason or
identiying his title the way he did.
Back then, i you didn`t oster a
riendship, inluencing a person was
nearly impossible. Social media
didn`t exist. Digital connections
were not aailable. In act, you rarely
did business with a person you did
not know in a tangible way. 1he
aerage person had only three ways
to connect with another: ace-to-
ace, by letter, or by telephone.
lace-to-ace was the expectation.
1oday it is the exception.
1he inherent, relational alue o
inluence has not changed. It is still
the currency o interpersonal
progress. \et the plethora o
communication media has made it
possible to acquire dime-store
ersions. And you get what you pay
or.
\hile we lie in an era when noise
plus naked equals celebrity,` this is
not a book about soliciting
riendships and exploiting inluence.
1his is a human relations handbook
that originates rom the heart out.`
It is about winning riends the way
your good grandather won your
wise grandmother`s heart-through
sincere interest, heartelt empathy,
and honest appreciation. And it is
about guiding the lasting inluence
that arises toward mutual progress
and beneit.
\hile the journey to applying
Carnegie principles today is not as
complicated as unplugging and
returning to a reliance on telegrams,
telephones, and tangible interace, it
is also not as trite as injecting a little
humanity into eery aspect o your
digital space. In general, the best
practice is a judicious blend o
personal touch and digital presence.
Lmploying this blend begins with an
honest assessment o your current
situation. lrom here your path to
progress with others is clear.
\hat is your ratio o ace-to-ace
ersus digital interactions lor most
people , email, texts, blogs, tweets,
and lacebook posts are the primary
ways they correspond with others.
1his presents new hurdles and new
opportunities.
Lmotion is diicult to coney
without nonerbal cues. 1he adent
o ideo communication has
knocked down some barriers , but
ideo is only a small raction o
digital communication. And still it
does not shepherd the highest
standard o human dignity the way a
ace-to-ace meeting can.
\e lie in a drien, digital world
where the ull alue o human
connection is oten traded or
transactional proiciency. Many hae
mastered the ironic art o increasing
touch points while simultaneously
losing touch.
\e expect courtesy on irst dates
and ollow-up meetings, we are
impacted when the same courtesy
shows up in a weekly progress
report or a shared ride in the
eleator. \e expect humble
eloquence in an ad campaign or a
wedding speech, we are inspired
when the same humble eloquence
shows up in an email update or a
text reply on a triial matter. 1he
dierence, as they say, is in the
details- the oten subtle details o
your daily interactions.
\hy do such details still matter in
this digital age Because the person
who has technical knowledge plus
the ability to express ideas, to
assume leadership and to arouse
enthusiasm among people -that
person is headed or higher earning
power.` It is remarkable how much
more releant Carnegie`s words are
today.