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Understanding The Bible On Divorce
Understanding The Bible On Divorce
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But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of
fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced
committeth adultery.
What did Jesus mean when He made this comparison of divorce and remarriage to adultery? Well,
adultery is the betrayal of marriage with another relationship. And what was divorce in the Roman
world and still is today? Divorce is the betrayal of marriage and remarriage is another relationship. Its
the same thing as adultery. Even though the remarriage hasnt happened at the same time as the
marriage, the marriage is still betrayed and its betrayed because the divorcing person wants something
else. The motivation for divorce today is the same motivation as adultery: I want better for myself and
Im willing to betray my marriage to get it.
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Now, Jesus says divorce for the sake of fornication doesnt cause adultery. The common interpretation
of the word fornication is that it means adultery. So is Jesus saying that divorce for the cause of adultery
does not cause adultery? I think a more likely meaning is the other meaning of fornication in the Bible.
Interracial marriage is called fornication in the Bible. I believe this is the fornication Jesus was primarily
talking about.
And divorce in the case of unlawful marriage, such as occurred in Ezra, doesnt carry the same
motivation as adultery. The divorced wives in this case certainly did remarry. Of course among their own
kind, but they would have needed to remarry. And that remarriage was entirely appropriate. They
werent doing anything wrong. They werent committing adultery by remarrying.
Jeremiah 3. So for one, divorce was meant to allow for the dissolution of unlawful marriages. These
divorces were justified and moral. The marriage was not lawful in the first place and the motivation for
divorce was selfless, not selfish, and thus was not comparable to adultery.
But theres another example of justified divorce in the Bible and this one isnt due to an unlawful
marriage. Jeremiah 3, verse 1, They say, If a man put away his wife, and she go from him, and become
another man's, shall he return unto her again? shall not that land be greatly polluted? but thou hast
played the harlot with many lovers; yet return again to me, saith the LORD.
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Lift up thine eyes unto the high places, and see where thou hast not been lien with. In the ways hast
thou sat for them, as the Arabian in the wilderness; and thou hast polluted the land with thy
whoredoms and with thy wickedness.
And now drop down to verse 7,
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And I said after she had done all these things, Turn thou unto me.
But she returned not. And her treacherous sister Judah saw it.
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And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away,
and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the
harlot also.
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And it came to pass through the lightness of her whoredom, that she defiled the land, and committed
adultery with stones and with stocks.
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And yet for all this her treacherous sister Judah hath not turned unto me with her whole heart, but
feignedly, saith the LORD.
And drop down to verse 14,
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Turn, O backsliding children, saith the LORD; for I am married unto you: and I will take you one of a city,
and two of a family, and I will bring you to Zion:
Ok, God divorced Israel. Ive even heard this used as a justification for modern divorce. God did it, so it
must be ok. But why did God divorce Israel? Did He divorce Israel for the same reasons we divorce
today? Did God divorce Israel because she cheated on Him?
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Well, she did commit adultery against Him, but so did Judah and God didnt divorce her. No, while that is
named as the trigger, its not the reason. Did He divorce her because He wanted something else? You
know what the modern church thinks. God divorced Israel so He could have a relationship with the
gentiles. But I have to remind them, He was still married to Judah. So no, thats not why He divorced.
Did He divorce her because she was so terrible He just wanted to be rid of her? Was she such a nag and
such a pain He just wanted to be free of the responsibility? No, of course not. In fact God already
planned how He was going to die for her and reconcile with her before He ever divorced her.
So what was Gods motivation in divorcing Israel? Notice verse 7 of Jeremiah 3.
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And I said after she
had done all these things, Turn thou unto me. But she returned not. And her treacherous sister Judah
saw it.
Notice God was concerned that Judah saw what Israel was doing. Verse 8:
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And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away,
and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the
harlot also.
Why did God write the bill of divorce? It says it was because of Israels adultery, but what was the
motivation? In verse 8, He mentions Judah again. He says that even though He wrote the bill of divorce,
Judah still continued to imitate Israels sin.
Why did God divorce Israel? God divorced Israel as a threat, a deterrent to Judah. By divorcing Israel He
was saying, Look, Judah, I will abandon you if you disobey me. Thats what He was saying to Judah.
And it served the same purpose to the children of Israel as well.
Jeremiah 2:28 says, But where are thy gods that thou hast made thee? let them arise, if they can save
thee in the time of thy trouble. We all know that basic threat. If we disobey God, He will abandon us.
That is the threat of divorce as God used it. God used divorce as a threat to push Israel to obedience. He
used divorce as a deterrent to disobedience.
And that deterrent was not for His benefit. It was for hers wasnt it? His motivation was always love for
her. He wanted reconciliation from the beginning. God divorced Israel for her own benefit, to teach her.
God used the threat of divorce out of love for Israel, not out of self-service. The ultimate goal of the law
of divorce was the reconciliation of a disobedient wife to her husband.
So the two examples of morally justified divorce in the Bible are first: unlawful marriages and second as
a deterrent to disobedience, to cause reconciliation.
But can that be the original intent of Gods law on divorce? To our equalitarian society today that
concept seems outrageous. Divorce as disciplinary to a disobedient wife? Yet that is how God used it.
And thats how the law was written. For example, only the husband could divorce. In the original law the
wife could not. And the cause is left open to the discretion of the husband. Some try to say uncleanness
refers specifically to adultery as the cause, but given adultery carried the death penalty that likely isnt
the case.
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And theres also another law used in a very similar manner found in Deuteronomy.
Have you ever known the parent who uses time-outs for discipline? They dont spank. They give the
child a time-out when he does something wrong. Have you ever wondered what happens when the child
simply refuses to take the time-out? What do you do? Double time-out?
For discipline to be effective, it has to be able to escalate beyond resistance. When the child refuses the
time-out, the parent has to be able to escalate to spanking. If they cant, than the discipline is useless.
Even with spanking, the parent needs to be able to escalate.
Turn to Deuteronomy chapter 21. By the teenage years parents dont spank their children. A lot of
teenagers are actually more capable of spanking their parents than the other way around. So what do
you do with a child that is utterly rebellious and can resist all your options of discipline?
Deuteronomy 21:18,
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If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his
father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:
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Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and
unto the gate of his place;
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And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey
our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.
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And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from
among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.
What is the intent of this law? The answer lies in how often this law was actually used? Even in our
modern day world, where children tend to be far more rebellious than they were under more
traditional, patriarchal societies like this one; I cant imagine a single parent that would bring their child
that they have lived with and raised for years, to be stoned.
I believe this law was almost never actually employed. Parents werent regularly stoning their children.
But the law was being used. It was being used in the fact that as verse 21 says all Israel shall hear, and
fear. It was a deterrent to the disobedience of children, just like a nuclear weapon is a deterrent to war,
and just like divorce was a deterrent to disobedience in marriage.
Divorce is essentially the same law. The primary intent of divorce as written in Gods law was as a
deterrent to the wifes disobedience to the husbands authority. It enforced accountability in marriage.
And before women think I am picking on them, let me expand this concept. I know the concept of adult
accountability is taboo in our pagan society. Our society holds that when someone becomes an adult
they make their own decisions and are no longer accountable to anyone elses authority.
But as Christians we have to understand one of the primary functions of the Kingdom of God is
accountability. The man-centered world rejects accountability. It sees us as accountable to no one but
ourselves. But Christians are accountable to God and that accountability is administered through the
institutions of nation, church, marriage, and parent.
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We are all accountable to some level of authority in the Kingdom of God. And that includes men. Now a
lot of men are quick to quote I Corinthians 11:3, But I would have you know, that the head of every
man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man.
That statement doesnt mean theres no headship over men other than Christ. You could say the head of
every parent is Christ and the head of every child is the parent. That wouldnt mean parents have no
earthly headship over them.
For anyone who thinks men arent accountable to any other man, I have this question: If men arent
accountable to anyone but Christ, how does Christ lead them? Through the Holy Spirit right?
Well then my question becomes: Do women have the Holy Spirit? Of course they do. So why do women
have to obey their husbands? Well the Bible says they do.
Children also have the Holy Spirit. Joel 2 talks about our sons and daughters having the spirit and
prophesying. So are they accountable to their parents? Of course, there are verses in the Bible that say
they are.
Turn to Hebrews 13. There are many verses in the Bible that also place men under accountability to
other men. One in particular is appropriate here.
Hebrews 13:7, Remember them which have the rule over you, who have spoken unto you the word of
God: whose faith follow, considering the end of their conversation.
So men, who has rule over you and speaks to you the word of God? Thats talking about your pastor. Its
not talking about civil authorities because it says this man speaks the word of God to you. Its talking
about your pastor and it says you are to follow his faith. You are accountable to your pastor. He has rule
over you.
Now does God speak to us in a still small voice through the Holy Spirit? Sure He does. But if you take 100
men and ask them what the Holy Spirit says, youll get 100 different answers. Its easy to mistake our
own thoughts for Godly direction. We need the accountability of the Kingdom of God. And the fact is the
Holy Spirit uses the institutions of the kingdom to speak to us.
Romans 10:13 says,
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For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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How then shall they call on him in whom they have not believed? and how shall they believe in him of
whom they have not heard? and how shall they hear without a preacher?
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And how shall they preach, except they be sent?
We need the preachers. And its the Holy Spirit who sends the preachers and speaks through them.
Jeremiah 3 tells us that even after the regathering of Israel in the Kingdom, God will give us pastors.
Men, you are accountable also. You are accountable to your pastor in much the same way your wife is
accountable to you. Any man who proclaims himself not under the authority of the church is actually
proclaiming his lack of accountability to God.
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Now I know adult accountability seems silly and even wrong to our modern thinking. Does a wife really
need to be accountable to her husband? Well, the reelection of Obama gave us a real world example of
the need for accountability. Single white women voted 63% for Obama. Married white women voted
57% against Obama. It almost flipped. Why was that? That flip didnt occur for men. It didnt matter
much if men were married or not. Roughly the same percentage voted for Romney. No, in general,
women function more rationally in marriage than out of it. Even in the disasters we call marriage today,
marriage guides women. It offers women some accountability.
And again, Im not just picking on women. Men had the same flip. It just wasnt from marriage. 62% of
Protestant churchmen voted for Romney, while 70% of non-religious men voted for Obama. Men are
held accountable by the church, again even with the basically worthless churches we have across
America today. Men need the church for accountability. Women need marriage for accountability.
Marriage is the accountability structure God designed for women. The rest of societys institutions were
not designed to hold women accountable. Women and children first is built into our nature. If you
were in a shopping mall and saw a woman slap a man you would most likely wonder what he did to
deserve it. On the other hand, if you saw a man strike a woman you would most likely step up and try to
restrain him. In general, society strives to protect women. And thats exactly as it should be. But women,
just like men, need accountability.
Isaiah 3. Now of course, marriage doesnt offer much accountability anymore. Our culture fights against
its natural structure and tries to make it an equal partnership. And the results of that are catastrophic.
Without marriage functioning as an accountability structure women end up spoiled and men end up
irresponsible.
Isaiah 3 beginning in verse 1, For, behold, the Lord, the LORD of hosts, doth take away from
Jerusalem and from Judah the stay and the staff, the whole stay of bread, and the whole stay of water.
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The mighty man, and the man of war, the judge, and the prophet, and the prudent, and the ancient,
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The captain of fifty, and the honourable man, and the counsellor, and the cunning artificer, and the
eloquent orator.
So here we have a prophecy describing Israel at the time of the end and God has taken away all the
authority figures. The structures of accountability are absent.
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And I will give children to be their princes, and babes shall rule over them.
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And the people shall be oppressed, every one by another, and every one by his neighbour: the child
shall behave himself proudly against the ancient, and the base against the honourable.
Its interesting here that everyone is oppressed not by a dictator or a tyrant king, but by his neighbor.
This is a prophecy of the anti-authority, democratic nature of our society, written 100 years before
democracy was ever practiced.
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When a man shall take hold of his brother of the house of his father, saying, Thou hast clothing, be
thou our ruler, and let this ruin be under thy hand:
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In that day shall he swear, saying, I will not be an healer; for in my house is neither bread nor clothing:
make me not a ruler of the people.
This is what happens to men when you take authority out of a culture. Men become irresponsible.
Responsibility goes inseparably with authority. And drop down to verse 16, Moreover the LORD saith,
Because the daughters of Zion are haughty. It goes on with the description, but the consequence of
living without accountability is irresponsible men and spoiled women.
Regardless of what our culture believes, marriage is an accountability structure in Gods Kingdom. Men
become irresponsible and women become spoiled when it doesnt function as such. And divorce was
designed as an enforcement of that structure.
So where does that leave us? What should be a Christians attitude today toward divorce?
Unless were talking about an interracial couple, divorce is not a Christian option. I think its clear
divorce as a way out of marriage should be condemned. And given the legal and social framework of our
culture, the original use of divorce is simply not possible in todays society. Divorce is not a Christian
option.
But that doesnt mean condemnation of everyone who has been involved in divorce. The Apostle Paul
made it clear the person who is simply left behind when their spouse divorces is not at fault.
And Jesus was also very forgiving toward the woman at the well and her string of five divorces. And He
didnt condemn the woman taken in adultery. Why? Was it because those things were acceptable? No,
he told them to go and sin no more. Forgiveness requires a change of heart.
He was readily forgiving because they lived in a broken society. They lived, as we do today, in a confused
culture with broken institutions. People dont even understand what marriage is supposed to be. When
half of all marriages fail, its not because half of people are incapable of making things work; its because
the system of partnership marriage practiced today doesnt work in the first place.
Divorces that have happened in the past were mistakes God and the church can forgive. But forgiveness
requires us to go and sin no more. A repentant, changed attitude is a must for acceptance by the church.
It must be clear, divorce is not a Christian option.
Is remarriage adultery? Yes and no. Jesus clearly says when a husband divorces his wife, he causes both
himself and HER to commit adultery upon remarriage. When marriage is betrayed and another
relationship occurs, adultery has occurred. Thats simply the fact of the matter. The Apostle Paul urges
the divorced to reconcile instead of remarrying.
But at the same time, the wrong, the sin, is tied more to the divorce than it is to the remarriage. It is the
divorce where the fundamental wrong occurs, far more so than in the new marriage. The original law
allowed for remarriage and Jesus was forgiving of people who had remarried. Jesus says the divorcing
husband causes the adultery. The blame is primarily contained in the divorce, not the new marriage.
So if Christians cant divorce, what should we do to avoid it?
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The first thing is: start things off right. And one of the most important pieces of advice on that is: do not
get involved in a physical relationship prior to marriage. I know to society today that doesnt really
matter. But whether we are talking about a divorcee or a young person, there are reasons not to get
involved physically before marriage.
Studies show couples that live together before marriage are more likely to divorce and are less satisfied
when they do marry than couples who abstain. Thats because if you enjoy the benefits of marriage
prior to marriage, when you finally get married the only difference marriage brings is added work and
responsibility. Marriage becomes all about work. You disassociate the benefits from the responsibility
and you destroy the sanctity and purpose of marriage.
Also, ladies, a physical relationship before marriage puts you in a bad position. Not only do you take
away incentive for the man to marry, but you also harm yourself. Remember Genesis which says the
womans desire will be to her husband? Studies show a woman releases the same bonding hormones
during a physical relationship that she does during childbirth. God designed women to bond to their
husband at that point.
Men function differently. The problem is the woman forms that bond before the man has taken on the
commitment of marriage. No matter how our modern society claims theres no harm as long as its
consensual, the fact is you can end up very hurt. Youre committed while he isnt. And that frequently
ends without marriage. Studies show that women are happiest with one long-term committed
relationship in their lifetime. Every additional relationship increases the incidence of depression.
Exodus 22. And guys, in the physical relationship, you are taking on a responsibility whether you know it
or not. I know modern equalitarian attitudes hold that its no big deal - as long as its consensual there is
no harm done. But thats not the case. Exodus 22:16,
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And if a man entice a maid that is not
betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife.
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If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins.
You see what its saying here? The man owes marriage to the woman. It doesnt say she owes him. He
owes her. And if her father refuses, he actually owes damages to her. He has taken something from her
that he owes marriage for. The commitment of marriage is the payment. Prior to marriage its theft and
you will answer to God for that.
A man also undermines his own moral authority in the womans eyes. Whether either of them realizes it
or not, engaging in a physical relationship before marriage shows a mans willingness to break the rules
and harm others to get what he wants. After that its a little harder for the woman to respect him as her
moral authority.
Another part of avoiding divorce is choosing the right spouse.
Men, dont marry a feminist. You carry the responsibility of leadership. And that responsibility remains
even if your wife wont allow you to do the job.
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For men, understanding the accountability of marriage should bring with it a realization of the
responsibility we bear. James 3:1 urges us not to be many masters, because masters receive greater
culpability. Husbands, you are the masters of your home, so its you who are responsible.
I Timothy 5:8 tells us if a man doesnt provide for his family he has denied the faith and is worse than an
infidel. I Corinthians 14:35 tells us a wife is to seek spiritual instruction from her husband. Ephesians 5
tells men that as leaders of their wives, they are to love, lead, nourish and cherish them.
Men, your wives are accountable to you. That means youre responsible for them. I dont care how
equal we like to think the relationship is. It isnt. You bear the responsibility. Its not shared. The Bible
doesnt say youre to seek spiritual guidance from your wife. It doesnt say if she doesnt provide for the
household shes to blame.
If your children dont have clothes on their backs, thats on you. If your family is going the wrong
direction, its your job to guide them. So choose a wife who will allow you to do your job.
Women, in choosing a spouse, give up control. Allow your father veto power over your choice of a
husband. Its not because hes smarter than you or more logical than you or even because he has more
experience than you. Its because Marriage is an accountability structure. Your husband will be your
leader. Human nature puts mankind in a horrible position to choose our own leadership.
If a man tells a woman that shes perfect in every way, the most perfect being the world has ever seen;
he might get a date. He is also lying. No one is in a good position to choose a good leader over
themselves. Human tendency is to choose someone who flatters and spoils, not someone who will hold
us accountable. Ladies, allow your father the final say in who you marry. Numbers 30 backs that up.
And certainly dont give the final power of selection of a husband over to yourself in the form of your
emotions. I once heard a discussion between a father and daughter about her choice of a husband. He
told her he would only approve of someone from kingdom believing circles. She lamented she would
end up an old maid because she didnt like anyone from their church circles. And of course she
proclaimed she couldnt marry someone she didnt like.
So you cant marry someone you dont like? Sounds right, but what if you only like irresponsible, bad
men? Ive seen women who do exactly that. They date bad men. They know they are bad and even
complain about them, but if you recommend a good man, they lament they arent attracted to him.
They like the bad guy so sadly theyre forced to marry the bad guy.
No they arent. Your emotions are not your master. Theyre supposed to be your servant. Learn to like
the good guy. You shouldnt marry who you like. You should learn to like who you should marry. And
your father is your guide on that. For your own benefit, ladies, dont even consider a man your father is
opposed to.
So what about once youre married and the thought of divorce rears its ugly head?
Husbands, embrace the responsibility you hold. Youre the leader and you have to lead. You have to be
the example. If you want a loving wife, be the example of love she can follow. If you want submission,
show your family an example of a man in submission to his church. Dont expect your family to end up
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better than the example you give them. When they ask a spiritual question, make sure you find the
answer. When theyre going the wrong direction, make sure youre leading the right direction and arent
going the wrong way yourself.
Will this result in a perfect family? Of course not. No ones perfect, not your family and certainly not
you. But the responsibility of leadership rests on you. Youre the example whether you like it or not. And
the more you actually attempt to fill this role, the more your wife will find it difficult to disrespect you.
Be your familys hero. Thats the best way to fight divorce.
And on your part, remember, what God has joined together, let not man put asunder. A husbands love
for his wife is to be as unconditional as a parent for their child. How do parents avoid divorcing their
children? Do children argue? Do they disagree? Do they disrespect you? Yet you dont even think about
divorcing them do you? You dont think about it because its not an option.
Well, I dont care if your wife nags you. I dont care if she frustrates you. You shouldnt consider divorce
anymore than you would consider abandoning your child because they frustrate you. Its just not an
option. You are not her partner. You are responsible for her. You are her protector, her provider, and
her guide.
For women, what about after marriage when you feel like you just cant stand him anymore? Again, the
answer lies in giving up control. Remember hes not your partner, hes your protector, provider, and
guide. Youre accountable to him, not the other way around.
Does this mean you arent allowed an opinion? Of course it doesnt mean that. Exodus 4:25 tells us
Moses wife didnt agree at all with Moses demand of circumcision and she let him know it. Its not
wrong to have an opinion and to disagree and discuss things with your husband. But hes the head of
your family and home. Dont compete for that.
Give up control to him. Divorce comes as the result of conflict. Conflict comes when there are two
competing heads leading different directions. You can short circuit the conflict. And understand the less
you represent argument to him and the more youre a helpmeet to him, the more valuable youll feel to
him. The more you fill your role, the easier it is for your husband to want to cherish you. And believe it
or not it, studies show the traditional role makes women happier.
Ultimately, no matter how right you think you are and wrong you think he is, youre no more justified
divorcing him than your teenager is justified running away from home.
And you know what? If things are really bad, divorce wont fix it anyway. Only prayer will.
Divorce is a scourge. It brings no good. Study after study shows the damage to children. It leaves both
parties worse off financially. It leaves emotional scars on everyone involved. And even though you might
imagine finding a better spouse than the one you have, realize that husband you cant live with is the
same man you couldnt live without when you married him. And the guy you meet after the divorce, is
likely going to be divorced too. So hes the guy some other woman couldnt stand. Divorce doesnt solve
problems. It makes them.
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It was never intended to be a way out of marriage when youre not getting what you want. It was meant
to hold marriage together. For a Christian, divorce simply is not the answer. What God has joined
together, let not man put asunder. May God bless all the marriages here.