Im the one with the wicked curve ball

Oh, i think we can handle that

Forks, Washington
[Bella Swan is a clumsy, bookish seventeen-year-old girl who lives in Phoenix until her mother marries a younger baseball
player and wanted to go on the road with him, so Bella decides to move back up to the middle of rainy nowhere with her
dad Charlie, the Forks chief of police, with whom she actually seems to have a relationship in the movie. Already I am
disconcerted because Bella is 500% less whiny and passive-aggressive about it all than she is in the book.]


BELLA: Were gonna be all right, pet cactus. Were gonna be all right.
PET CACTUS: ...


Hey, Its Bellas Broke-Ass Truck!
CHARLIE: Surprise! I bought my best friends broke-ass truck for you!
BELLA: Wow, I somehow love it! Thanks, Dad! Thanks, Dads friend Billy!
BILLY: Oh, and I thought Id bring my son Jacob over early in the movie, you know, before you meet CREEPY BOYS.
JACOB: DAAAAAAAD!


Forks High
[So Bella goes to school and the kids immediately seize on her newcomerness, all "Sweet ride!" and "Sup, Arizona!," but
theyre really charming in a doofy way and some of them are actually not white, if you can believe it. ROLL CALL! Jessica,
the bitchy one! Angela, the sweet one! Eric, the goofy Asian kid who wants to go out with Bella! Mike, the goofy white kid
who wants to go out with Bella! Tyler, the goofy black kid who drives a van (and also wants to go out with Bella)! Bellas
kind of overwhelmed by all the attention but mostly she deals with it and actually learns peoples names and its kind of
blowing my mind. WHO IS THIS PERSON AND WHAT DID SHE DO WITH BELLA SWAN?]


The Lunchroom of Destiny
[So Bella actually makes friends and if she bitches about them at least we dont hear it. And then the Cullen "foster kids"
slooooo-mooooo in, not eating and not talking to anyone else and totally coupled up together all wearing their Very Very
Special Cullen Crest Heraldic Jewelry. No wonder everyone at school hates them. ~*ROLL CALL!*~ Rosalie, the bitchy
blonde! Emmett, the meathead jock! Alice, who twirls! Jasper, who looks pained!]


[And then... enter Edward.]
EDWARD: *Jaaaaaaames Deaaaaaaans*
MIKE: Hey Bella, you want me to walk with you to biology?
BELLA: Im sorry, you exist?


Biology Class
[Theres only one seat open and guess whose table its at. NO, GUESS. Edwards even sitting in front of a taxidermy owl so
it looks like he has wings sprouting from his shoulders. You know. Because he is an angel marble cupcake Adonis. And then
he gets a whiff of Bellas outrageous flavor, clutches his nose, and spends the entirety of biology looking like hes going to
hurl.]


BELLA: I... I have no self-esteem now.


Somewhere That Wasnt in the Book
[Hey, there are bad vampires and they eat people.]


Charlies Favorite Diner
[Bellas attempt at stewing over Edwards prolonged, inexplicably jerkassy absence from school is interrupted by half the
townsfolk reminiscing about their favorite Bella memories:]


SOME GUY: Look, its little Isabella Swan!
SOME WAITRESS: Heres that cobbler you loved in fifth grade!
SOME WEIRD FRIEND OF CHARLIES: HEY BELLA REMEMBER ME PLAYING SANTA CLAUS?
CHARLIE: Um, WHEN SHE WAS FOUR?


Hey, Look Who Deigned to Show Up for Biology!
EDWARD: Hello. Please... allow me to introduce... myself. I am... Edward Cullen.
BELLA: Where were you all week? And why were you such a jerk?
EDWARD: I had to... go. Somewhere. For reasons totally unrelated to wanting to kill you.
BELLA: Did you get contacts while you were somewhere? Last week your eyes were black, and this week they are golden
melted topaz butterscotch.
EDWARD: *stares, turns around, leaves*
BELLA: WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?!


Forks High, Parking Lot
[Edward is totally not stalking Bella from across the icy parking lot, no, why do you ask WHEN SUDDENLY HERE COMES
TYLERS DEATH VAN OMG and it is careening at Bella crushwards and suddenly Edward is THERE and he throws her down
(unf) and he stops the speeding van with his BARE HAND and then he DAZZLES HER.]

[And then he hops a fence and runs away. Slick.]


St. Forkswhere Hospital
[The doctor attending Bella is really hot young. And he has weirdly blond hair. And melted topaz butterscotch OH
HEYYYYYYYY.]


BELLA: Its a good thing Edward was able to leap across the parking lot to save me, wasnt it, Dr. Cullen?
CARLISLE: Its a good thing you hit your head and no one will believe you, isnt it?

[He smiles so pretty when hes lying.]

[So Bellas leaving the hospital and she comes across Dr. Cullen and Edward and Rosalie having a not-very-secret pow-
wow:]

ROSALIE: FUCK YOU, EDWARD! NOW WERE GONNA HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN!
CARLISLE: Now, Rosalie, have some compassion...

[So Edward goes to smooth things over with Bella, because he is so good at that.]

EDWARD: What? I was totally standing next to you the whole time.
BELLA: NO YOU WERENT BECAUSE YOU NEVER STAND NEXT TO ME SO ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THE TRUTH OR
WHAT?
EDWARD: NO, BECAUSE--NO!
CARLISLE: *facepalm*


Some Field Trip
[To... a greenhouse, to learn about... compost? Hey, you guys wanna come visit my recycling bin next time?]

EDWARD: So... I wanted to apologize for being rude but not for the rudeness of being rude about not being rude, which I
am being right now.
BELLA: ...?
EDWARD: In conclusion, we cant be friends, k thanks bye.
BELLA: ...!

[Outside, Bella tries to approach Edward again while everyones piling onto the buses. Jasper looks pained, but Alice is all
excited:]

ALICE: Hi, Bella! I love--
EDWARD: SHUT IT, ALICE
BELLA: WHY DIDNT YOU JUST LET ME DIE FROM SMUSH?
EDWARD: Do you honestly think Im sorry I saved you from the Death Van? How could you think such a thing? NO YOU
CANT SIT WITH US!
BELLA: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SUCH A BITCH?!


Epic Romance in the Lunchroom
[After toying with The Hackysack Apple of I See What You Did There, Edward gets to the point, which is not that he doesnt
want to be friends, but...]

EDWARD: What if Im not a superhero? What if... Im the bad guy?
BELLA: ... Hot.
EDWARD: *headtray*


Rock Me, Sexy Vampire
[Meanwhile, Shirtless James and the other two Bad Vamps show up and Charlies weird friend gets dead. Also, James has
no shirt. This is important. I mean, just for life in general.]


The Beach, La Push Reservation
[Angela, who is my favorite character after Alice (who is awesome), and Bella are huddled together for warmth while all the
other kids go, like, ice-surfing or something.]

ANGELA: I really want to go to the prom with Eric--
BELLA: Not Ben?
ANGELA: Ben? No one named Ben goes to this school. Anyway: ERIC. I want to go with him but he will never ask me, woe.
BELLA: You should ask him yourself! You are a strong, independent woman. Trust me, I know what Im talking about.

[Im sorry, what? Did Bella Swan just call herself independent bond with one of the mundanes? Wonders will never cease.]

[And then Jacob shows up with his as-yet-unfursploded posse, who are all like, did you bring any Cullens? BECAUSE THEY
CANT COME HERE.]

BELLA: Wait, what?
JACOB: Yeah, theres all these bullshit stories about how my people were descended from wolves and the Cullens were
descended from themselves and my miniskirted ancestors made a truce with the Cold Ones back in the days of old or the
30s or something. And they can never, ever come to our beach, so there.
BELLA: o_O


Casa de Swan
[So Bella goes home and hits Google and comes up with, like, http:// quileutelegends.com/coldones/vampires_duh.html.
She resolves to go to some bookstore in Port Angeles and pick up a book that is relevant to her interests, because
apparently Amazon doesnt deliver to Forks.]

BELLA: And that was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen, although for some reason I chose to imagine him lurking in
the corner of my room like a complete psychopath.

[Honey, thats what you think.]


Some Dress Shop in Port Angeles
[Angela and Jessica try on prom dresses while Bella sits in the window, not even pretending to pay attention to them.]

JESSICA: So--boobtastic, or just boobalicious?
BELLA: Look, so, I dont actually care about either of you two so Im gonna go scope some plot-important bookstores now.

[Ah, this is the Bella I know.]


The Mean Streets of Port Angeles
[After she buys her book -- "Everything You Wanted to Know About Quileute Legends But Didnt Want to Ask the Werewolf
Kid" -- Bella manages to get cornered by the one gang of roving lowlifes in a small tourist town BUT SUDDENLY Edward
swoops in, grabs Bella and charges them with The Vampire Volvo of Great Justice and all the lowlifes are like DAMN THAT
HIGH-SCHOOL KID IS HARDCORE. Heigh ho Volvo, away!]


La Hipster Italia
[Look, dont even ask me whats up with the waitresss hair, I dont know.]

EDWARD: I FEEL VERY PROTECTIVE OF YOU.
BELLA: Thats hot.

[That sound you hear is me facepalming.]

EDWARD: So I was stalking you around town but I lost you and then I heard their terrible awful killing-you thoughts and--
BELLA: Wait, you what?
EDWARD: ... Shit.

[So Edward spills his guts about how he can read everyones mind except Bellas. On the upside, he manages to keep his
mouth shut about the whole vampire thing, which is more than hes able to do in the book.]


Wait, Somethings Happening? What?
BELLA: Wait, whats going on at the police station?
EDWARD: Wait, why is my not-dad there?
CARLISLE: Bella, Im so sorry... your fathers weird friend was killed by a feral plot point.
BELLA: I didnt even know we had those in this movie!
CARLISLE [significant look ]: I know. Theyre very rare in Forks.
EDWARD [mind-reading ]: D:<


Casa de Swan
[So Bella goes home with her dad from the police station instead of with Edward and reads up on Quileute legends and how
the Cold Ones are actually called some word Ive never seen before in my vampire-loving life and they exist all over the
world but particularly in the middle of rainy nowhere and you will know them by their speed and their strength and their
cold white marble skin and their butterscotch eyes and their inability to talk to girls.]

BELLA: OMFG!


Forks High, The Next Morning
BELLA: You. Me. Forest. NOW.


The Forest of Imminent Revelation
[The jig, she is up. Bella casts all the evidence back in his face. There is no turning back.]

EDWARD: SAY MY NAME, BITCH
BELLA: EDWARD
EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE
BELLA: ASSHOLE
EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE
BELLA: VAMPIRE, OKAY? VAMPIRE
EDWARD: ARE YOU AFRAID?
BELLA: NO
EDWARD: Wait, what?

[Edward drags her by the arm through the woods, like, what, you couldnt get a good enough grip on her hair or
something? Damn. Then he zooms her up the mountain on a forcible piggyback ride and storms off into a single spotlight
sunbeam in an epic snit over what a monster he is, he must SHOW HER the HORROR OF HIS BEING, a TERRIBLE SECRET
accompanied by the SOFT FLUTTERING OF WINDCHIMES:]

EDWARD: I AM VAMPIRE. HEAR ME TWINKLE.
BELLA: Oh, wow, I spent like $60 at Sephora trying to get sparkle like that. What is that, Urban Decay?
EDWARD: NO!
BELLA: Oh, so its a drugstore brand?
EDWARD: THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER, BELLA!
BELLA: FINE. WHATEVER. But the lipstick, thats gotta be Cargo, right?
EDWARD: *FLOUNCE*

[Over in some other clearing he starts pitching a grand mal hissy, throwing trees and shit around because cant she see, he
is THE WORLDS SPARKLIEST PREDATOR, but Bella doesnt care, SHE DOESNT CAAAAARE, and Edward has to jump into a
tree to get away from her because he might LOSE CONTROL, okay, he must NEVER LOSE CONTROL and it is REALLY
REALLY HARD, okay? And Bellas all like, really? How hard? and she goes climbing up into the tree after him, like, DAMN,
GIRL! GO GET A PIECE OF THAT! and finally hes like, the combined force of your flavor and your crazy overpowers me, I
must know what are you thinking, and shes like, I AM THINKING THAT I LOVE YOU and because the ankle-tattoo people
insisted on it, the following exchange is finally committed to celluloid (I am not making this up):]

EDWARD: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
BELLA: Stupid lamb.
EDWARD: Sick, masochistic lion.

[I dont remember exactly what happens next because I fell over dead at this point.]


The Meadow of ~*Great Sparkle*~
[And then they lie down, slowly, tenderly, among the flowers in his favorite meadow (he has a favorite meadow) and stare
at each other, not touching, softly arguing whos prettier.]

[Congratulations, Catherine Hardwicke: you have invented the sexless sex scene!]


The Morning After
[So the next morning Edward picks Bella up in The Vampire Volvo and pimps on in to school like a total mack and
everyones like WHOA THAT WEIRD CULLEN KID ACTUALLY GOT LAID? and hes all like, no, I sparkled for A GIRL!]


Chez Sparklepire
[Lets go meet the family! Edwards not-dad Carlisle and not-mom Esme and the "kids" are cheerfully gathered in their
unused kitchen cooking Italian for Bella through the tutelage of the Food Network--]

EMMETT: YO BELLA WE MADE YOU FOODS

[--and Alice is all like hi Bella you smell good I love you can we play dress-up now? Jasper looks pained, and thats before
they find out that Bella already ate:]

ROSALIE [*BOWL-SMASH FOOT-STOMP *]: I HAVE BEEN SLAVING AWAY OVER A HOT STOVE ALL DAY SO I COULD
WATCH THIS STUPID BITCH EAT! FUCK YOU AND YOUR HUMAN, EDWARD! FUCK YOU AND THE VOLVO YOU RODE IN
ON!
EDWARD: So... were gonna go somewhere else now.


Edwards Room
BELLA: You dont have a bed?
EDWARD: NO, YOU BRAZEN HUSSY.
TWILIGHT FANS: OMG HIS COUCH IS NOT BLACK AND BELLA IS NOT WEARING A BLUE V-NECK AND--
HARRY POTTER FANS: *FLAMETHROWER*

[Oh, look! Edward has Muse Linkin Park Debussy in his CD player! Bella loves Debussy! Lets dance!]

BELLA: Um, Im not so much with the coordination and the--
EDWARD: I SAID, LETS DANCE.

[And then Mr. Flying Squirrel jumps out the window and takes her barfing across the scenic Pacific Northwest. Or maybe
that was just me and my fear of heights.]

[Oh, I didnt even tell you about the 80s music-video timewarp the Cullens have upstairs where Edward plays the music he
wrote for Bella.]


People Other Than Edward and Bella Doing Things
[Charlies out in the woods with a pack of bloodhounds and the rest of the police, at which point they see a footprint and
realize that it is a human plot point. omg!]


Bellas Room
[Bellas mom takes two minutes out from following her husband around like a lovesick puppy to call Bella goodnight and ask
if she likes nasty rainy Forks and--she does? How is that possible! There must be boys, tell her all about it, are they cute or
smart or undead? UNEXPECTED EDWARD IS UNEXPECTED BYE MOM GOTTA GO.]

BELLA: Uh... howd you get in?
EDWARD: Through the window. I do that a lot. I oiled it so it wouldnt make any noise. Ive been standing in the corner of
your room for two months now, watching you sleep every single night. You should really get a rocking chair in here, you
know, I get bored just lurking there.
BELLA: ...
EDWARD: So can I kiss you already or what?

[So Edwards all like, "Dont move, no, seriously, I mean it, DONT MOVE" but after they rub noses for like fifteen minutes
Bella pretty much jumps him and we discover that she is wearing, not unreasonably, a t-shirt and underwear in bed.
Edward LOSES CONTROL OMG and flings himself back against the wall:]

EDWARD: PREMARITAL UNDERPANTS ARE NOT OKAY!
BELLA: Premarital snuggling?
EDWARD: ... I will consider it.

[So they lay in Bellas bed and talk all night about her favorite colors and her first goldfish and which Jonas Brother shes
most compatible with. There is totally premarital snuggling. Edward, you whore.]


Casa de Swan
BELLA: Char--Dad, my new boyfriend has come to call and he respectfully requests an audience with the man of the house
before we go play baseball.
CHARLIE: *SHOTGUN*
BELLA: Daaaad! Bullets wont even hurt him!
CHARLIE: What?
BELLA: GOTTA GO!


Vampire Baseball
[No, really. NO, REALLY.]

[The Cullens split into two teams and theyre all wearing very official uniforms that Edward probably sewed for them, except
theyre all blue and white, so theyre... kind of pointless. Alice does this expert flamingo leg-kick every time she pitches,
because she is awesome. In fact, the whole thing is kind of awesome in an I-cant-believe-Im-watching-this way.]


The Part Where the Plot Shows Up
[The Bad Vamps--Laurent (who has taken over the non-shirtwearing duties), Victoria (who has fantastic hair), and James
(what is it with vampires and ponytails, anyway?)--roll in.]

CARLISLE: So... you guys are terrible at not freaking the mundanes, you know that?
LAURENT: Yeah, sorry about that. Play ball?

[All the Cullens nervously shuffle in front of Bella, hoping that the Bad Vamps dont notice her. TOO LATE.]

JAMES: YOU BROUGHT A SNACK.

[I really cant think of anything better than the actual line, sorry.]

EDWARD: *DRAMATIC PRAIRIE DOG*
THE BAD VAMPS: : [
THE CULLENS: >: [

[And then a Jets-and-Sharks rumble breaks out.]

LAURENT: Look, you dig humans, I dont judge. Lets go, guys.
JAMES: Yeah. That sounds good. Were just gonna go now. You know. Not hunt down and kill your pet at all. Have a nice
eternity!
THE CULLENS: ...
ALICE: I psychically sense that we are screwed.


Laurent Stops By Chez Sparklepire to Help
LAURENT: So hes a tracker and hes really good and hell never stop until shes dead. Peace out.
THE CULLENS: D:


A Very Cunning Plan
[Edward wants Rosalie to wear Bellas coat and leave a fake trail in the woods for James to follow. Rosalie, who is throwing
a weapons-grade sulk, is having none of it.]

EMMETT: Babe, you gotta do it!
ROSALIE: Whats in it for me?
EMMETT: Edward not whining for the rest of forever?
ROSALIE: *does it*


Casa de Swan
[Bella has to stop by her house to pack a bag and convince her father (and James, who is watching) that shes running
away:]

BELLA: I dont want to hurt my dad!
EDWARD: You have to! Its part of my very cunning plan!
BELLA: FORKS SUCKS AND YOU SUCK AND THATS WHY MOM LEFT YOU!
EDWARD: OKAY, DAMN.


A Lovers Desperate Farewell
EDWARD: You are my life now, SO DONT GET DEAD, OKAY?


Some Hotel in Phoenix
[Alice is speed-sketching her visions of the future, and Bella recognizes the drawing as a ballet studio where she took
lessons as a kid.]

[Wait, Bella Adoraklutz Swan took ballet? ]

JASPER: Isnt that... kind of girly for a final showdown?
ALICE: Look, Im just telling you whats coming in over the wire.
JASPER: *looks pained*
ALICE: Wait! Wait! Breaking news! I psychically sense that James is on to our cunning plan!


Some Forest in the Pacific Northwest
EDWARD: I telepathically sense that Alice senses that James is on to our cunning plan!
ROSALIE: *BITCHSMACK*


Some Hotel in Phoenix
JASPER: Hey, do you psychically sense Bella leaving the hotel? Like, because James called her phone and said he was
holding her mother hostage? And hed kill us all if she didnt go quietly?
ALICE: No, why?
JASPER: *looks pained*


Ballet Studio OF DOOM
[James has lured Bella away from her protectors with recordings of her mothers voice; Bellas mother isnt even on that
side of the country. Cunning plans: youre... doing it pretty well, actually. He chose the studio with its wall-to-wall mirrorage
because he wanted a striking set for the little snuff film hes going to send to Edward after hes killed Bella. But its okay!
Hes just gonna sit there and monologue at her for a while, Edward will show up before anything really happens to her,
right?]

JAMES: *FIBULA TWIGSNAP*
BELLA: I DONT LIKE THIS MOVIE ANYMOOOOOOOORE!

[So James throws Bella around some more and a big shard of mirror stabs her in the leg and shes bleeding everywhere and
he bites her arm which means that venom is now burning through her veins and she will either have to become a vampire
or die, I guess, so that kind of UNEXPECTED EDWARD IS UNEXPECTED! THANKS FOR JOINING US, TWINKLETOES. So the
boys throw each other around the studio and trash-talk each other very melodramatically and theres some aerial
slapfighting AND THEN the other Cullens arrive to dance and kick ass, and they are ALL OUT OF CHOREOGRAPHY:]

[Finally Edward gets James by the throat and RIPS IT OFF AND SPITS IT OUT, DAMN, about to score a fatality when--]

CARLISLE: No, Edward! Youre better than this!
EDWARD: Youre right, Carlisle, I--
CARLISLE: But your not-brothers arent. Have at it, boys!

[Jasper and Emmett build a floorboard fire and then Alice jumps up on Jamess face and twists his head off like a bottlecap.
Because she is awesome!]

BELLA: OW IT HURTS THE BURNING OMG!!!!

[The boys tear James to pieces and are dancing around singing campfire songs by the time Alice ambles on over.]

ALICE [offering stick ]: Marshmallow? The wiener isnt done yet.
CARLISLE: Alice! Help me tie off this tourniquet!
ALICE: I dont think thats going to help--I think he, like, bit her, and stuff.
BELLA: NARRRRRRGHHHH!
EDWARD: NO!
CARLISLE: We probably better do something about that.
BELLA: RRRRRRRGHGHGHGHGHHHHH!
ALICE [chewing]: We could just let her be a vampire, I guess.
EDWARD: NOOOOO!
CARLISLE: Well, I guess theres something else we could do to get the vampire firepain venom out. I mean, eventually.
BELLA: ASDLKFJSDLKFJASDLKFJKJKJG
CARLISLE: But it will mean--you will have to--there will be--
EDWARD: NO!
CARLISLE: Premarital sucking.
EDWARD: BUT IT IS SO HARD!


Bellas Life, Sparkling Before Her Eyes
BELLA: So then I died. But I died from vampire metaphor-sex, so that was pretty cool.


Cover Story Memorial Hospital, Phoenix
BELLA: What... what happened?
BELLAS MOM: Well, you ran away from home and that nice Cullen family went after you but then you fell down two flights
of stairs in the hotel. And through a window. A closed window. Now, how the piano and the anvil fell on you after that, I
dont know. Look! That pretty Cullen boy has been watching you sleep the whole time!
BELLA: Yeah... he does that.

[Exit Bellas mother to go squee-text at her new husband some more.]

BELLA: Edward! You saved my life! You got over it being hard!
EDWARD: After I nearly got you killed! Bella, we cant be together--if its not me trying to slurp your freesia-scented tasty
blood, its always going to be someone else--
BELLA: NO! NO! NO NO NO DONT SAY THINGS LIKE THAT, YOU CANT EVER LEAVE ME AND WE CANT EVER BE APART,
SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TELL ME YOURE LEAVING FOR MY OWN GOOD AND RUN OFF TO SOUTH AMERICA ILL JUMP
OFF A CLIFF ON A WEREWOLF MOTORCYCLE, I SWEAR TO--
EDWARD: OKAY, OKAY, I WONT, GOD!


Prom Night, Casa de Swan
EDWARD: So... waiting on Bella. With her dad. Who thinks Im the reason she ran away from home. Awkward.
CHARLIE: YOU WANNA HELP ME CLEAN MY SHOTGUN?
EDWARD: NO, IM OKAY, THANKS.


The Prom, Which Has a... James Bond Theme?
[That is some amazing synergy right there.]

JACOB: Hey Bella! Um... so... my dad paid me to crash the prom to tell you to stop going out with Edward. Look, Im not
supposed to know whats going on until the second book, I dont know what to say.
EDWARD: *IMMINENT CHIVALRY SMASH*
JACOB: *LUPINE BITCHFACE*
BELLA: Look, if either of you mark your territory while Im wearing her dress, Alice will kill you both.

[So Edward escorts Bella inside and for a few moments they stare at the kids being goofy and playing games and dancing
to that godless "rock" music and having fun.]

EDWARD: Um...
BELLA: ... Ew.
EDWARD: I KNOW!


Some Quaint Gazebo
[The other slow-dancing couples get the hell out because they can tell that some serious yearning is about to go down.]

BELLA: HEY HEY CAN I BE A VAMPIRE NOW?
EDWARD: No!
BELLA: How about now?
EDWARD: No!
BELLA: HOW ABOUT NOW?
EDWARD: NO!
BELLA: *sulks*
EDWARD: Bella, cant a long happy life with me be enough?
BELLA: NOT IF I HAVE TO GET OOOOOOLD!
EDWARD: How about I throw in a growth-accelerated half-vampire mutant baby?
BELLA: ... We could make this work.
EDWARD: Attagirl.

[You know how on the ball this movie is? Theres Victoria in the prom dress of some girl I guess she killed and ate (I mean,
how else do you get a dress this close to prom night?) watching all tear-stained and vengeful. Thats right: the plot of the
second movie is already here. Which they greenlit on Saturday. Those of us you who saw the movie for the lulz? Turns out
money dont know the difference. Oops.]

BELLA: Can we at least do the sex now?
EDWARD: NO!

51 Things Emmett Cullen Is Not Allowed To Do (For Any Reason)

by the indifferent child of earth

Emmett Cullen is not allowed to:

1. Spread rumors that the reason why Edward never had a girlfriend before Bella is because he likes guys...

2. ...And that he has a crush on Jasper...

3. ...or Carlisle

4. Tell Alice that pink really isn't her color

5. Attempt to juggle with Esme's china

6. Tell Bella that if she jumped from a great height Edward would have to change her

7. Microwave Peeps...

8. ...and leave them in Jasper's favorite book

9. Call Bella's mom and tell her "The baby's doing okay" and that Bella and Edward asked him to be godfather

10. Snap his fingers in 'Z' formation

11. Use the phrase "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease."

12. Snap his fingers in 'Z' formation while using the phrase "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease."

13. In fact, Emmett is not even allowed to think about snapping his fingers in 'Z' formation, saying "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-
lease," or doing both at the same time

14. Try and start a colony in a school bathroom...

15. ...and invite the teachers giving him detention/trying to get him to put his clothes back on to join...

16. ...and then tell the Guidance Counselor that Rosalie's hair told him to do it

17. Paint Edward's Volvo tie-dye...

18. ...and then say it was Bella's idea

19. Sing any songs generally associated with Gwen Stefani...

20. ...or Britney Spears

21. Sing "Ninety-nine bottles of grizzly blood on the wall.."

22. Furthermore, he not allowed to sing. Period.

23. Wear a tu-tu and tell everyone to call him Princess Butterfly

24. steal every pet in town...

25. ...and then sell them back to their owners...

26. ...after shaving them and glueing sequins on them

27. Attempt to turn inanimate objects, such as pieces of fruit, into vampires

28. Claim aforementioned 'vampire fruit' as his army of loyal minions...

29. ...and try to get them to attack Jasper...

30. ...then throw the 'vampire fruit'/army of loyal minions at Jasper when they do not attack

31. Call Carlisle 'Gramps'...

32. ...especially after Carlisle tells him to turn off his annoying music

33. Steal Rosalie's stuffed animals and make movies with them

34. Steal all of Alice's left socks, fill them with rocks and throw them in a river

35. Run through the school without a shirt on with "Momma's boy" written on his chest in whipped cream

36. Make subtle inneundos about Edward's repression

37. Make obvious innuendos about Edward's repression

38. Burst into tears and run from the room crying after wailing "I thought we had something special!" when Bella asks him
to pass the salt at lunch

39. Write children's books (examples: 'Fun, Five Letter Words to Know and Share'; 'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'; 'Curious
George and the High Voltage Fence')

40. Convince Esme that Home Depot has gone out of business and is closing

41. Wear leather pants (no matter how good he looks in them)

42. Scratch " 3MM3TT K!CK A" onto walls...

43. ...and then deny all knowledge of it

45. Dress up in the school mascot uniform and then tackle Edward and Jasper

46. Dye his hair black, wear glasses,carry around a stick and tell hordes of 4th graders he is the real Harry Potter

47. Change any of his male family member's ringtone to "Barbie Girl"

48. Wear Rosalie's underwear around the house (even if the whole family was watching Rocky Horror Picture Show)

49. Replace all of Edward's CDs with bolonga slices

and finally...

50. EMMETT CULLEN MUST NEVER EVER TELL ALICE THAT SHE HAS TOO MANY SHOES!

"You think this ought to do it?" Bella asked Edward, as she straightened the list that she had just hung on the wall. She
then stood back to stand next to Edward, Carlisle and Alice as they surveyed the list that now hung on the living room wall.

"Maybe for a week." Jasper commented as he walked by.

"What do you mean pink isn't my color?!" Alice exclaimed.

"Well, it isn't." Emmett's voice was heard from the kitchen.

"Don't listen to him, pink is definitely your color, Alice." Bella said, patting Alice on the back as she seethed.

Just then, a loud BAM! was heard from the kitchen. As one, Bella, Edward, Carlisle and Alice slowly turned their heads to
see a fist-sized whole in the wall between the living room and the kitchen.

"EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN!" Came Esme's inevitable scream.

Bella took the ball-point pen Carlisle held out for her.

51. Emmett is not allowed to swat flies with a meat tenderizer...