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2 AD SALES 830.358.2493
table of contents
7
Citizen
Soundcheck
The ONLY gui de of i t s ki nd
for t he NB/SM Met ropl ex!
13
Hot in the
Kitchen
Our di va of t he di sh get s
her Orca Cake on.
12
The County s
Most Wanted
Look Mommy! Daddys i n t he paper!
Ask a Mexican
Gust avo of fends i n t wo l anguages.
15
Last Word
The I RS l oses ever yt hi ng
Congress want s, and ri ght
i n t he ni ck of t i me.
1st Word
Zapat a vs Wri ght :
The Reckoni ng
3
Advice from
Opa Esel
Quest i onabl e counsel
from Grandpa Karl .
11
Due Process
Al l t he sexy haps
at t he Court house. 6
Sound Out of Town
Because Aust i n, San Marcos and
San Ant oni o occasi onal l y have
l i ve musi c t oo.
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2 AD SALES 830.358.2493 2 AD SALES 830.358.2493 TXCITIZEN.COM 3
Herald-Zeitung
Employee Assaulted
by Local Politician
Yeah, its old news, but its
spankin new to you.
On the night of October
27, 2012, at-the-time District One
Councilman Richard Zapata (and TX Citizen
contributor under the name Uncle Ken Esel)
and Intimidation of a Public Offcial suspect
(and my former employer), Mark McGonigal,
followed HeraldZeitung reporter Will Wright
into the parking lot at the Faust hotel, and
assaulted him.
They assaulted him because they didnt
like what was in his newspaper.
According to Wright, they cracked
his left ankle. This isnt surprising to me,
as McGonigal had often boasted of his
undefeated run as a mixed martial arts fghter.
And a secret government operative (Black
Ops!). And maybe an astronaut. Dont really
remember. After a while we stopped listening.
Anyway, according to him, hes an expert on
everything, with an emphasis on revenge.
The Monday following the attack, Zapata
called the Houston-owned Herald, and, playing
his City Councilman card against their angry
black man, got Wright fred. One of his next
calls was to me, to brag about the two-on-one
assault and subsequent termination of Wright.
Zapata told me that Wright had accosted
Mrs. Zapata. As it turned out, that story was
just for my ears, as Zapatas wife was not
involved at all. Zapata knew what I had to
hear to not press the issue, and he gave it to
me. The fact that the HZ didnt report the story
seemed to bolster his claim. An interview with
an eyewitness, a Faust employee, conducted
by former HZ reporter Ron Maloney, however,
smashed it to pieces.
I asked then-City Councilman Zapata
why he didnt call the police. He told me, I
dont trust (New Braunfels Police Chief Tom)
Wibert. As the Chief is employed by, and
reports directly to City Council, the fact that
Zapata was one of Wiberts bosses would
have worked in Zapatas favor,
had Wibert been the type to
allow bias to infuence him.
The bottom line is that Zapata
didnt want his Chief involved
in an investigation into an
assault on his wife, because when
the truth emerged, it wouldnt match
Zapatas story.
Wright didnt call the police either. He
just wanted the humiliation to go away. I
considered printing the story, but since Wright
didnt fle, we didnt report it. I made a huge
mistake at that point. Huge. Zapata had told
me what he and McGonigal had done (albeit
for fabricated reasons), and I allowed him to
continue to contribute to the TX Citizen under
the name Uncle Ken Esel. Im not ashamed of
much. I am ashamed of that.
Were currently under a very public social
media attack from Zapata, and his alter ego
Ken Esel, due to the content of our May 8 First
Word, (online at txcitizen.com, under the May
12 upload date), wherein we detail the case
of David Martinez, who is currently serving a
six month prison sentence for tampering with
a government record at, allegedly, the behest
of McGonigal friend and employee Matthew
Fields. An allegation Fields denies, but we
have since confrmed with two eyewitnesses.
As Zapata is also employed by
McGonigal, and are brothers according to
them both, he has publicly waged war on our
advertisers, made good on a threat to blackmail
one of our employees into cooperating, with
the release of his confdential City employment
records (which didnt work), attempted to pay-
off another of our employees to quit, (that didnt
work either), and made it clear that he is a
vindictive person that may seem like a calm
guy, but that lots of people have found out
that you dont fuck with him, and he intends
to fuck Mike (Reynolds) harder than hes ever
been fucked before. This is detailed in New
Braunfels Police Report #14-23023.
Continued on page 5.
MIKE
REYNOLDS
WITH
WORD
1
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4 AD SALES 830.358.2493 TXCITIZEN.COM 5
Continued from page 3.
We apologize for the rough language.
Its exactly what he told the TX Citizens
Chase Cochran, during a heated, in-person
intimidation visit to Cochrans other place
of employment here in town. Zapata was
also pretty upset that we gave his column to
another writer. How he knows how hard Ive
been, uh, violated in the past is a mystery.
Word gets around, I guess.
Normally we let threats like this go,
because most people make them in the heat
of the moment and have no intention of acting
on them. Based on Zapatas thug-life history
with Wright, however, his carry substantially
more weight. A review of the last months
postings under the Ken Esel and Richard
Zapata Facebook pages reveals a level of
obsession and hatred that even we havent
encountered before. Imagine THAT. Seriously,
imagine it. Its way over the top.
I fnally spoke with Will Wright last
week, and he told me what happened that
night. His short version matched up with
the other accounts of the story, which were
corroborated by Maloneys Faust employee,
and told to me by Zapata himself. Zapata
and McGonigal followed Wright into the
parking lot of the Faust hotel, and let him
have it. It was fun for the assailants, and less
so for the victim.
As for the long story, and according to
Wrights notes from the night of the incident,
Zapata and McGonigal were giving Wright
grief for the HZs editorial stand on the
disposable container ban (which Wright
personally opposed, in spite of the HZs support)
and the then-upcoming Commissioners Court
race between Kathleen Krueger and Kevin
Webb, which Webb went on to win.
Both Wrights and the Faust employees
confrmed version of the story is that Wright
was not asked to leave the bar, but when
he tried to leave to get away from Zapatas
badgering over the HZs content, was
followed into the parking lot where Zapata
poked his fngers into Wrights chest. Wright
pushed him off, at which time McGonigal
jumped in with a professional-grade
chokehold to save his lil buddy.
Zapatas original version started with
Wright pushing Zapatas wife, after which
Zapata and McGonigal got involved.
Wright and I both agree that had that been
the case, violence would have been, while
not justifed, certainly expected. As it didnt
happen, the violence came as a complete
surprise. A police report should have also
been fled. After all, HZ Employee Assaults
Councilmans Wife would have been a truly
damning headline. Clearly, Zapata didnt
want anybody looking into this.
Heres Zapatas current version of the
event, as he described it to a Facebook
user last weekend. Note that Zapatas new
iteration doesnt mention his wife, which
would be a critically important element of
the story, if it were true. Hes explaining
the event to a user named Steve, who was
admonishing Zapata for posting Cochrans
employment records on Facebook. Steves
opinion was that Zapatas tactic was totally
out of bounds:
Steve, it is extreme, but understand
that there is a real coward that is probably
imagining up some twisted story to put up
that I will not be able to respond to in that
rag paper. For example, they are telling
people that we beat up a reporter. First, we
never beat up anyone, we had a person (not
a reporter) jump in our face repeatedly, refuse
to leave after being told by the manager
leave who then shoved and lunged at me. He
was restrained and taken to the ground after
which he left. He tried to punch once and it
didnt land. He was never struck. Second, a
conversation was twisted and these clowns
went to the police screaming bloody murder
about me. Of course it had no merit. Lastly, I
have not posted anything that is not true. Sit
back and watch how I get assassinated and
know it was going to happen whether I posted
this or not. (Emphasis ours)
Not a reporter. Hmm. Theres no two
ways about this somebodys lying here. We
say he and McGonigal beat up an HZ reporter
and later got him fred, because they beat up
an HZ reporter and got him fred. Zapata
fat out says that his victim wasnt a reporter,
and doesnt mention the fring, because thats
news that every journalist in the state will be
interested in. It signals the end of his once
promising political career.
It would be telling as heck if Zapata
stands by his Not a reporter assertion on
the basis that Wright was an editor as well
as a writer, which is a common Zapata move:
These are all lies! We beat Wright up in his
capacity as an assistant managing editor. Ill
bet somebody fve American dollars he uses
that excuse at some point. Well, maybe not
now, since we just burned that one. Hell come
up with something.
Zapatas new crusade, harassing our
advertisers, employees and distributers
because we took away his column and
reported on an inconvenient crime
involving his friends and employer, is just
beginning. I dont imagine either of us will
quit anytime soon.
\m/
Mike Reynolds
Publisher/Editor-in-Chief
Postscript: It should be noted that we lost
the Faust hotel as an advertiser due to the May
8 story. We were fairly certain we would lose
them going in, as Zapata and McGonigal
have close ties to management there. We ran
the piece anyway, because David Martinez
is in prison. Had he never met Fields and
McGonigal, he would be at home. Or on a
vacation or something.
We thank the Faust for their long time
support. As for the rest of our advertisers and
distributors, expect a visit from Zapata or a
member of his crew in the near future. And
stand back hes a feisty little fellah.
Est. 1986
1390 McQueeney Rd, New Braunfels
830-625-0045 or wateringholesaloon.com
Become a friend @ facebook.com/theholenb
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The Happy Cow
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Oma Gruenes Secret Garten
Jam Night
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6pm
Phoenix Saloon
Jeffrey Ryan Vaughn
5pm
Rileys Tavern
Manzy Lowry Band
9pm
AJs Ale House
Rock & Roll Sing Along Piano Bar Show
9pm
Best Damn Lunch Special
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Justin Carter Trial Delayed
The trial of a young Comal County man who
was charged with making a terroristic threat
on Facebook has been delayed.
Justin Carters jury trial was scheduled
to begin on Monday, June 23. However, the
court cancelled the trial as it seeks to set a
date for more pre-trial motions, according to
both Carters attorney Don Flanary as well as
prosecuting attorney Chari Kelly.
Carter is accused threatening to attack
a kindergarten during a spat on Facebook.
Carter admitted to making the comment, but
argues that it was a sarcastic jest. While
there is a screen shot of comment, the original
thread has since disappeared.
The case could shape up as a First
Amendment argument. Making a violent threat
is illegal, yet joking comments, regardless of
taste, are considered protected speech.
A new date has yet to be set, but Flanary
said it could be a few months before the
trial begins.

Can Appeal Still Waiting
The City of New Braunfels, which has
appealed a judges ruling that struck down
the Citys disposable container and cooler
ordinances, has yet to fle its appeal brief to
the Third Court of Appeals in Austin.
The City asked for, and received, an
extension to fle its argument by July 16.
Visiting Judge Don Burgess struck down the
ordinances earlier this year as unconstitutional.
The judge agreed with the arguments set
forth by the river-oriented businesses that the
confusing nature of the ordinances made them
arbitrary and unenforceable, especially since
offcers patrolling the rivers were forced to rely
on their own opinions as to what violated the
rules. The businesses also argued that the City
was overstepping its legal bounds because
controlling navigable waterways is the domain
of the State.
The New Braunfels City Council voted
to appeal the ruling, claiming that Burgess
wasnt specifc enough in his ruling. Burgess,
a longtime Texas judge, once sat on the Court
of Appeals.

Towing Case Waits for Decision
The Third Court of Appeals refused to allow
oral arguments in a lawsuit against the City
brought by three towing operators. Both sides
have fled their arguments and now await
Appeals to render its ruling.
The operators sued the City claiming the
local government didnt follow proper legal
procedures when it awarded non-consent
towing contracts and possibly violated the
Open Meetings Act. Earlier this year, Judge
Dib Waldrip, whose district includes Comal
County, ruled that the court has jurisdiction to
hear the case, which the City appealed.

Scientology Trial in Limbo
While the Church of Scientology International
(CSI) has fled a brief in its appeal regarding
claims that Monique Rathbuns harassment
lawsuit against the Church violates its First
Amendment Rights, her response will be some
time in coming.
Ray Jeffrey, who represents Rathbun, said
his teams response wont be fled for another
60 to 90 days.
CSI told us they would give us an
extension, Jeffrey said. CSI had also been
granted an extension for its brief.
The Church had fled an Anti-Strategic
Lawsuit Against Public Participation motion
(Anti-SLAPP) to have the lawsuit dismissed
based on CSIs argument that its campaign of
harassment and surveillance against Monique
Rathbun and her husband, Marty Rathbun,
were First Amendment protected activities.
Marty Rathbun was once a high-ranking
member of the Church.
The Anti-SLAPP law is meant to protect
people who express their First Amendment
rights from being legally destroyed by bigger,
richer entities. During an Anti-SLAPP motion,
legal cases come to a screeching halt until
the matter is resolved. In February, Judge
Waldrip dismissed the Churchs claims. CSI
then appealed his decision to the Third Court
of Appeals, accusing Waldrip of showing a
disturbing anti-Scientology hostility by ruling
against the entity.
Also hung up in the Third Court of Appeals
is Waldrips order that Church leader David
Miscavige be deposed to answer questions
concerning jurisdiction. Miscavige has argued
that Texas courts have no jurisdiction over
him, claims contested by Rathbun. In April,
justices heard arguments concerning the
order for deposition. Arguing for Miscavige
was Wallace Jefferson who, until November,
was Chief Justice of the Texas Supreme Court.
Leslie Hyman argued on behalf of Rathbun.
The justices focused their questions on
rules regarding apex depositions, which is
when a leader of a business or organization
is deposed. Apex depositions are not allowed
when it is apparent that a CEO is being sued
only for the purpose of gaining more leverage
to force a settlement.
No decision will be made on Miscaviges
deposition until the court rules on the Anti-
SLAPP issue.
Nick Rogers covers courts and crime for the TX Citizen.
Due Process
WITH NICK ROGERS
HAPPY COW
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San Braunfels (Hunter, TX)
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8pm
Oma Gruenes Secret Garten
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w/ Wynn Taylor
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7pm
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8pm
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7pm
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10pm
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8:30pm
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JJ Garrett Band
6:30pm
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Adam Johnson
9pm
The Happy Cow
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8pm
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The Blast
7pm
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1pm
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6pm
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B A R & G R I L L
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San Braunfels (Hunter, TX)
512.667.7510
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from11am to 1pm Every Day!
Thursday 6.26
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Friday 6.27
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Saturday 6.28
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The Texas Tallboys
Sunday 6.29
T-Bone and The Blue Tones
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NEVER
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9pm
Rileys Tavern
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8pm
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9pm
Billys Ice House
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8pm
Gruene Hall
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1pm
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8pm, $15
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9:30am
The Pour Haus
TBA
9pm
River Road Ice House
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7pm
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7pm
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Travis Smith Duo
9pm
Sun 6.29
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6pm
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4pm
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2pm
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12:30pm
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5pm
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TBA
7pm
River Road Ice House
Goodfest
11:30am
Rich OToole
5pm
Mon 6.30
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Songwriter Showcase
w/ John Whipple
8pm
Billys Ice House
Jonathan Garcia
8pm
Gruene Hall
Bo Porter
w/ T Gozney Thornton & Joe Forlini
7pm
The Pour Haus
JJ Villareal
7pm
River Road Ice House
Walt Wilkins
8pm
Tavern in the Gruene
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8pm
Tues 7.1
Watering Hole Saloon
KennCentric Power Trio
8:30pm
Gruene Hall
Aaron Einhouse
1pm
Two Ton Tuesday
7:30pm, $5
The Pour Haus
Open Mic w/ Jon Magill
8pm
River Road Ice House
Scott Morgan
6pm
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Roots & Branches
7pm
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9:30pm
Wed 7.2
Rileys Tavern
Tyler Cannon
9pm
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8:30pm
Gruene Hall
Drew Kennedy & Josh Grider
1pm
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7pm
The Pour Haus
TBA
7pm
River Road Ice House
The Texas Jamm Band
8pm
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6pm
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THURSDAY 6-26
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Fri 6.27
Cheatham Street Warehouse
BIGfest
6pm
The Continental Club
Club Lineup:
The Blues Specialists, 3:30pm
Modrag
w/ Frank Mustard Project
10pm, $8
Gallery Lineup:
Robert Kraft Trio, 8:30pm
Mike Flanigin Trio, 10:30pm, $5
Floores Country Store
Curtis Grimes
w/ John Edward Baumann
8pm, $10-$12
Luckenbach Dance Hall
Jimmy Lee Jones
4pm
Almost Patsy Cline
8pm
Red Eyed Fly
Killing in Apathy, A God Unknown,
Silence in Apathy, Dark Helmet, Bluster
8pm, Outside
Sams Burger Joint
Joe King Carrasco
8pm, $15-$50
Stubbs BBQ
Phox
w/ Trails & Ways
8pm, Inside, $10
Sat 6.28
Cheatham Street Warehouse
BIGfest
12pm
The Continental Club
Club Lineup:
Redd Volkaert, 3:30pm
Bill Carter & the Blame
w/ Gene Taylor Blues Band
10pm, $10
Gallery Lineup:
Sherah & the Fine Souls, 8:30pm
Mike Flanigin Trio, 10:30pm, $5
Floores Country Store
Roger Creager
w/ Cody Bryan Band
8pm, $15-$20
Luckenbach Dance Hall
Weldon Henson
1pm
Thomas Michael Riley
9pm, $10
Red Eyed Fly
Dead Things Dont Bleed
9pm, Inside
Another De Sade, The Cicadas, Veleno,
House of Never, Chasing After Alice
9pm, Outside
R & J Music Pavillion
Aaron Watson
9pm
Sams Burger Joint
David Grissom Band
8pm, $10-$40
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omalovesyou.com
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Call for Hours!
omalovesyou.com
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Dear Opa Esel:
I am an elderly gentleman and have
had a cell phone for some time. My
kids and grandkids send me texts made
up of combinations of punctuations
that make symbols. Many of them are
obvious, but there are many I dont
understand and am too self-conscious
to ask. Can you help?
Confused Grandpa

Dear Grandpa:
I would be happy to. Those little
punctuation symbols are called emoticons
and are usually a representation of emotional
states, such as :) which means happy.
However, these symbols have moved beyond
just a simple commentary on the writers
emotional state and have taken on more
complex meanings.
Emoticons are actually quite fascinating,
as we are seeing the creation of a new
language structure. We are certainly aware
of Egyptian hieroglyphs, but even Chinese
characters are also pictoglyphs whereby the
meaning of each character is conveyed by
a corresponding symbol, or picture. These
newer emoticons act the same way.
Here are a few of the more popular ones:

:o Just had prostate exam

@:) Hindu

@:( Unhappy Hindu

; / Too much plastic surgery

% Dude has messed-up eyes

?:) Bad comb-over

>< Dealing with cable company

:& Eating a big pretzel

:@ Eating a big cookie

:$ Eating a dollar sign

:8 Eating infnity
:*( Unexpected pimple on date night

;{ Porn stache

8> Boobs with plunging neckline

8< Still boobs, but in a different outft

# Side of Archie Andrews head

:~) Psst, your nose is running

$^#! I dont know how to do emoticons

<3, Karl

Dear Opa Esel:
While driving, I have noticed
some bizarre things on the roads.
What are some of the stranger things
you have seen?
Notices Weird Tings

Dear Weird Things:
When you drive along the main roads
and back roads of Comal County as long
as I have, you naturally would have seen
many things along the way. Sure, there are
the regular roadside items, such as shoes,
underwear and teeth, but I have defnitely
come across some odder things.
To be brief, I have seen giant squids,
Frank Sinatra, sheep with prosthetic limbs,
a pie made of gum, hillbilly clowns, ghosts,
slow children playing, heavily armed cats, a
young girl with rage issues offering psychiatric
services for a nickel, a Fish Man, an ax-
wielding Orville Redenbacher, ancient tomes
of terrifying spells, Moses, a train made of
sausages, enlightenment.
However, its still the teeth and underwear
that puzzle me the most.
Leibe, Karl
Karl Esel is a lifetime resident of our fair city, and is well
known for his sage advice on a wide range of topics. If
you fnd yourself perplexed with no one to turn to, send
your question to Opa Esel at: askesel@txcitizen.com.
Be sure to write Question for Opa Esel in the subject
line of your email.
ADVICE FROM
OPA ESELwith Karl Esel
Half-Off One Entree
with purchase of another entree and two drinks.
One coupon per table. Cannot be combined with any other offer. Expires 6/30/14
Huge Play Area for the Kids Live Music Thursday-Sunday
Happy Hour Monday-Friday 3:00-6:30pm
830.629.0777 1724 Hunter Road, New Braunfels
TEX-MEX COCINA Y CANTINA
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One Hour Facial
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Includes Free Brow Wax
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Offer expires 6-30-14. Valid for First Time Customers.
219 E. San Antonio St 830.358.7079
www.spadowntownNB.com
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Served 7 to 10am
Pick-up
Drive Through
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July 5
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Exit #184 / Rueckle Rd. & IH 35 / NE Corner
830.629.4107 eliteautosounds.com
All proceeds to benefit
Allan Goodman Memorial Fund
Live Music! No Cover!
B.J. Tibodeaux & Backwater Blvd
Tony Taylor Steven Roloff Ruben Colon
Jordan Minor Adam Johnson
Jeremiah Houston Isaac Pineda And more!
Fresh Crawfish Plates! $10 presale, $12 at the door
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MOST WANTED
$300
REWARD
COMAL COUNTY S
MEDELLIN, JESSE
RODRIGUEZ
Male 507 200 lbs
DOB: 01/01/1976
CHARGE: Possession
of a controlled
substance pg 1 under
1 gram and theft of
property under $1500
with 2 or more
previous convictions
CORTEZ,
JUAN ISRAEL
Male 506 150 lbs
DOB: 03/05/1981
CHARGE: Motion to
revoke probation for
possession of a
controlled substance
DELEON,
YOLANDA
Female 502 164 lbs
DOB: 09/13/1972
CHARGE: Motion to
revoke - theft of
property under $1500
with two or more
previous convictions
GONZALEZ-
MENDEZ,
ROBERTO
Male 507 155 lbs
DOB: 05/22/1981
CHARGE: Three
charges of aggravated
robbery
BAIER,
ADAM SAMUEL
Male 506 150 lbs
DOB: 12/04/1971
CHARGE: Violation of
conditions of
probation -
possession of a
controlled substance
MAGALLANES,
MARY AQUILAR
Female 500 180 lbs
DOB: 06/11/1966
CHARGE: Failure to
appear - driving while
intoxicated
MCGEE,
JUSTIN ANTHONY
Male 507 190 lbs
DOB: 07/05/1991
CHARGE: Two charges
of engage in organized
criminal activity
SHADOUH,
TRACY ANN
Female 504 183 lbs
DOB: 01/29/1984
CHARGE: Failure to
appear manufacture/
delivery of a controlled
substance
THOMAS,
STEVEN JOHN
Male 511 140 lbs
DOB: 10/27/1962
CHARGE: Unlawful
possession of a
firearm by a felon
PEINADO,
PEDRO RAMIREZ
Male 508 200 lbs
DOB: 09/24/1978
CHARGE: Driving
while intoxicated with
child under 15 YOA
The names listed have been released in accordance with the Texas Public Information Act. This is a true
and accurate account as of Monday, June 23, 2014 at 9:00 am and may not be current by the time it is read.
Do not try to apprehend anyone. These are listings of criminal warrants with the Comal County Sheriffs
Office and are not indicative of guilt or innocence. Officers are to verify the status of each warrant prior to
making an arrest. Any person is innocent of wrongdoing unless proven guilty in a court of law.
FOR INFORMATION LEADING TO THE ARREST OF COMAL
COUNTYS MOST WANTED. Callers will remain anonymous.
830.620.3400 - 24-Hour
830.620.3411 - Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm
CHENU,
DAVID
Male 509 135 lbs
DOB: 08/22/1978
CHARGE: Five
charges indecency
with a child/ sexual
contact and one
charge aggravated
sexual assault
By Gustavo Arellano
Dear Mexican: I think I might be
Mexicanbut there are some people
who might disagree. Being that you are
the source of all knowledge mexicano,
I thought I might ask you. Heres the
deal: My ancestors left the US in 1847
knowingly and entered recognized
territorio mexicano. Te U.S. and Mexico
were in the middle of a war. At the end
of that war, the US stole the land from
Mexico. Pero eso no es mi culpa, pues.
Sure my parents never identifed
themselves as Mexicans and most of
my ancestors havent either. But just
because I am not mestizo doesnt mean
I am any less Mexican right? I mean
if you have to be mestizo then there
are doubts about how full-bloodied
Mexicana Salma Hayek isand
everyone knows she is a mexicanaza.
Not to mention all those geros,
gabachos and gringos who emigrated to
Mexico in the last century, like Trotskys
daughter. Arent they Mexican?
Cotorreo en casa con mijita, and I
listen to El Tri, Los Tigres and Agustin
Lara. I know the diference between
jitomates and tomates. If you have to
be born in Mexico, then well, maybe
you, Te Mexican, arent Mexican
either, right? Oh, and by the way, I do
think we all can be americanos and
estadounidenses (Estados Unindos
Mexicanos no?). Oh, and by the way
we eat guajolote for thanksgiving, not
pavo so Im not a Spaniard. Maybe I
need to be twice as good of a Mexican to
be Mexican though. Gotta go plan that
Doce de Diciembre festa.
Semilla de Cacao (White Outside,
Brown Inside)
Dear Cacao Seed Gabacha Mexicana:
As Ive written before, some of the ms
chingones Mexicans I know are pure-blooded
gabachos; some of the biggest Mexican frauds
Ive encountered are fresas from Jalisco. Ive
discovered that were far more accepting of
gabachos who try to pass themselves off as
Mexican than pochos who might proclaim
their love for the patria yet dont speak perfect
Spanishthats why Morrissey, Charles
Bronson, Benny Hill and even that pendejo Rick
Bayless, for instance, are honorary Mexicans,
while a Chicano four generations removed is
derided as a phony. And now you know why
Mexico cant get its pinche act together
Dear Mexican: When I set
decorative-type items with rectangular
basessay, square vases or square
Limoges boxeson tables or cabinets, I
set them so the straight lines of the box
or vase are parallel with the straight
lines of the table or cabinet. Sort of like
when I put a stamp on a postcard, I try to
make the corner of the stamp match the
corner of the postcard.
Now, I have had multiple Mexican
maids over the years, and one curious
thing to me is how most of them will
take those vases and boxes and tissue
dispensers, and turn them askew, so
the box or vase edge is at an angle
to the table edge. Its like they take
horizontal Washington Monuments and
tilt them into Leaning Towers of Pisa.
Its happened enough I know this is an
aesthetic Mexican preference, and not
an accident. Is there a cultural reason
for this Mexican askew preference? Or
is it just an unexplainable quirk?
I Ask You About Askew
Dear Gabacho: Same reason why we
paint our houses garish colors, hang portraits
of a bleeding Jesus in our living rooms, and
put bull stickers on our truck: askew is for those
who know how to live. Straight lines is the
domain of gabachosand the only people
pendejo enough to want to live like them are
people who think Ted Cruz is this countrys
brown Messiah.
ASK A MEXICAN! VIDEOS ARE BACK!:
Gentle cabrones: after a years-long hiatus,
Ive relaunched the video version of this
columna. Follow my weekly rants on Twitter
by clicking the hashtag #askamexican and
ask away. Enjoy!
Ask the Mexican at
themexican@askamexican.net,
be his fan on Facebook, follow him on
Twitter @gustavoarellano or follow him
on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!
ASK A MEXICAN!
!
TXCITIZEN.COM 13
Enjoy Responsibly
2014 Shock Top Brewing Co., Shock Top

Lemon Shandy Flavored Belgian-Style Wheat Beer, St. Louis, MO

Brand: Shock Top
Item #: PST201410573
Job/Order #: 262167
Trim: 5.06" x 11.31"
Bleed: none
Live: 4.81" x 11.06"
Closing Date: 4/25/14
QC: CS
Publication: TX Citizen
The galley has been bustling here in Alaska; preparing breakfast, lunch, happy hour, and
dinner menus for our guests. This past week we were able to see our frst pod of killer whales.
I was busy making a shaved dark chocolate angel food cake when the Captain made the
announcement that there were orcas off the starboard bow. I got so excited that I ran out of the
galley while my egg whites were whipping. It was feeding time for the pod and we counted six
whales; four adults and two juveniles. I was so amazed with these creatures that I completely
forgot about what was happening in my galley! By the time I realized my mistake, the egg
whites were billowing out of the mixer. Worst of all, the galley is in the front of the boat so our
guests walking by could see the massive cloud that was trying to escape my mixing bowl!
Everyone was in good spirits and I took quite a bit of ribbing over my fasco. I had no other
choice but to attack my over-whipped eggs and fnish the cake. It didnt quite have the height
that I had achieved in the past but with a little creativity, I was able to plate a beautiful dessert.
I fnished my Orca Cake and garnished it with whipping cream and a piped white chocolate
candy resembling an orcas spout.

Orca Cake
2 cups sifted superfne sugar. (If you
cannot fnd superfne sugar, put granulated
sugar in a food processor ftted with a steel
blade and pulse for 30 seconds.)
1 1/3 cups all-purpose four
12 egg whites at room temperature
3/4 tsp kosher salt
1 1/2 cream of tartar
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup grated semisweet chocolate
chips, grated
For the glaze:
1/2 lbs dark chocolate chips
3/4 cup heavy whipping cream, plus 1
tablespoon
Preheat you oven to 350. Combine 1/2 cup of the sifted sugar with the four; sift thoroughly
and set aside. Place the egg whites, salt, and cream of tartar in the bowl of an electric stand
mixer ftted with the whisk attachment. Beat the mixture on high speed until peaks are formed;
about 1 minute. Reduce the speed to medium and add the remaining 1 1/2 cups sugar by
sprinkling it over the beaten egg whites. Continue beating until thick and shiny. Add vanilla
and mix for 1 minute more. Fold four mixture into eggs by fourths until it is all incorporated.
Fold in grated chocolate.
Pour batter into and ungreased 10-inch tube pan, smooth the top, and bake for 35 to 45
minutes or until it springs back to the touch. Remove from pan and invert on a cooling rack.
For the chocolate glaze; place the chocolate chips and the heavy cream in a double boiler and
simmer until the chocolate melts. Pour chocolate over the top of cake and allow to drizzle down
the sides. For an extra touch serve with whipping cream!
Until next time, Eat, Drink & Be Sherri!
Sherri
Copyright 2014 by Eat, Drink & Be Sherri. All rights reserved.
Sherri Gallagher is a New Braunfels chef who grew up in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, where she began cooking at the age of
8. This summer Chef Sherri will be sailing on the M/V Liseron which sails weekly from Sitka to Juneau, Alaska. On board,
Chef Sherri will be preparing breakfast, lunch, dinner, happy hour hors doeuvres, and cocktails for her 20 passengers and
crew, so get ready for some amazing new recipes! Chef Sherri can be contacted at eatdrinkandbesherri@gmail.com.
Hot in the Kitchen
!
with Sherri Gallagher
14 TX CITIZEN 14 AD SALES 830.358.2493 TXCITIZEN.COM 15
The Dog Ate Lois Emails
I thought I had given up being upset when the
government lied to me. After all, they do it all
the time. They tell me they need more money.
They tell me the border is secure. They tell me
they were driving erratically because they
had a bad reaction to Ambien. In fact, lying
is so inherent in government that its hard to
believe that prevarication isnt one of its basic
functions. Generally, its hard to become overly
concerned about the commonplace, but every
once in a while, a lie is so blatant, so obvious,
that the mere telling of it is an affront. Such
is the case with the latest load of malarkey
coming forth in the IRS scandal.
In truth, its the scandal itself that should
really bother me. When the agencies
of government can be used as political
weapons, our system is a sham, no better than
a third-world kleptocracy. Thats exactly what
happened. The administration used the IRS as
a means to silence their political opposition.
Some groups received approval to operate as
tax-exempt entities almost immediately while
others waited for years. The bureaucracy
within the IRS was used to slow things to a
crawl and to intimidate people seeking to
exercise their First Amendment rights. The
deciding factor as to how the group was
treated wasnt even based on evidence;
keywords were used to make assumptions
about the groups political leanings.
With this much at stake, its no surprise
that Congress would investigate. Nor is it a
surprise that the administration would seek
to keep the truth from coming out. Weve
already gone through several cover stories
that have proven to be false. Attempts to
blame it on the little guy are often successful
in Washington, but no one had much of
an appetite for sitting quietly while the axe
fell in this time. A stubborn series of facts
stood in the way when offcials from the
IRS suggested that the delays were attempts
to uphold the law and had no partisan
bias attached to them. The sheer volume
of conservative groups affected when
compared to other groups was enough to
poke holes in that argument. And, when the
government begins asking questions about
L
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by the portion of our readership that answers poll questions. The number after
each winner and runner-up represents the percentage of the votes garnered in
their respective categories. 1192 valid ballots were cast in this years survey.
TXCITIZEN.COM 15
The Dog Ate Lois Emails
I thought I had given up being upset when the
government lied to me. After all, they do it all
the time. They tell me they need more money.
They tell me the border is secure. They tell me
they were driving erratically because they
had a bad reaction to Ambien. In fact, lying
is so inherent in government that its hard to
believe that prevarication isnt one of its basic
functions. Generally, its hard to become overly
concerned about the commonplace, but every
once in a while, a lie is so blatant, so obvious,
that the mere telling of it is an affront. Such
is the case with the latest load of malarkey
coming forth in the IRS scandal.
In truth, its the scandal itself that should
really bother me. When the agencies
of government can be used as political
weapons, our system is a sham, no better than
a third-world kleptocracy. Thats exactly what
happened. The administration used the IRS as
a means to silence their political opposition.
Some groups received approval to operate as
tax-exempt entities almost immediately while
others waited for years. The bureaucracy
within the IRS was used to slow things to a
crawl and to intimidate people seeking to
exercise their First Amendment rights. The
deciding factor as to how the group was
treated wasnt even based on evidence;
keywords were used to make assumptions
about the groups political leanings.
With this much at stake, its no surprise
that Congress would investigate. Nor is it a
surprise that the administration would seek
to keep the truth from coming out. Weve
already gone through several cover stories
that have proven to be false. Attempts to
blame it on the little guy are often successful
in Washington, but no one had much of
an appetite for sitting quietly while the axe
fell in this time. A stubborn series of facts
stood in the way when offcials from the
IRS suggested that the delays were attempts
to uphold the law and had no partisan
bias attached to them. The sheer volume
of conservative groups affected when
compared to other groups was enough to
poke holes in that argument. And, when the
government begins asking questions about
who your friends are, what you read, and
what you pray for, you can be certain that
they arent following offcial guidelines. The
argument that this was just how the process
works simply wasnt going to work.
It would be nice, though, if the
administration would put a bit of thought
into its whoppers. To tell Congress and the
American people that the IRS somehow lost all
the documents that are being asked for strains
credulity to the breaking point. Im accustomed
to a higher class of conspiracy from my
government. Sure, deniability is important, but
generally, some counter-evidence is offered too.
The Kennedy assassination had the Warren
Commission report, a bi-partisan group that
looked into all the available evidence before
lying to us. Area 51 relied on national security
and implications of secret weapons tests
to keep people guessing. Even Elvis death
was accompanied by grainy photos and an
autopsy report. The oops, something went
wrong with the computer explanation has a
certain techno-luddite appeal, but it doesnt
take much thought to see the problems with it.
It would be less of a problem if all we
were being asked to believe was that after
a request was issued for Lois Lerners emails,
there was a catastrophic computer crash that
erased several years of them, but we are being
asked to believe that a series of unlikely events
occurred to render all evidence inaccessible.
Not only did Lerners hard drive crash, but
it was so complete that nothing could be
recovered. Furthermore, the hard drive was
recycled and is itself no longer available. In
addition, six other offcials that might have been
recipients of Lerner emails also had their hard
drives crash and be scrapped. In addition, the
standard operating procedure of copying and
backing up everything was not followed in this
case for reasons unknown. Last, but not least,
we are asked to believe that by coincidence,
the IRS dropped the service that backed up the
records offsite and therefore dont have access
to a private method of fnding copies of the
missing material.
Many have referred to this as a the dog
ate my homework excuse, but this fails to
fully capture the absurdity of the fb. It would
be more accurate to say that the dog ate my
homework, my notebook, and the house they
were all stored in. The dog then somehow
developed rabies, attacked and killed my
entire study group, ate their homework, and
destroyed their houses, and fnally, the dog was
put down by authorities with a famethrower
destroying all evidence that might have been
found in the dog. When someone asks for
evidence that this dog ever existed, its found
that the dog licensing records were lost in a
freak tornado that took out a single fle cabinet
and whisked it off to who-knows-where. This is
the sort of fantastic story that I would expect
from a 4-year-old. The only thing thats missing
is a dragon, and its early yet.
People who know me know that I love
comic books. I have no problem suspending
disbelief to accept aliens and superheroes,
but the administrations and the IRS current
story is just too much. Under normal
circumstances, I lean toward incompetence
to explain things as opposed to conspiracy,
but incompetence just doesnt start to explain
what is happening at the IRS. Im afraid I will
have to cry foul.
One bright point in this whole story is
that there is still opportunity for incompetence
to come into play. While I dont believe that
incompetence can explain how the emails
were lost, I do believe that incompetence may
help to fnd them. No cover-up is foolproof.
Somewhere along the line someone forgot
something that will allow the emails to be
retrieved. I think if we give things time, the
truth will come out. Im not optimistic that
anything will come from the investigation;
little ever does. But, I think that we will fnd
out what happened. The current SNAFU
is not likely to become part of American
conspiracy canon.
(The administration made a mistake
in comparing this scandal to birtherism.
To put the two in the same league makes
me want another look at the Presidents
birth certificate.)
L
a
st W
o
rd
With Kelly Colby
You can read more from Kelly Colby at yourfrstshrug.
blogspot.com.
337
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