Page 42 Healthy Cells Magazine Peoria July 2014

S
usan tries to live her life the
right way. She tries to do
a good job with her mar-
riage, her children, her job, and
her relationships. It is obvious,
however, that something is not
right and her life is not working
the way she wants. She is in
emotional pain and is not sure
how to change things. After giv-
ing it some thought, Susan real-
izes that she has great difficulty
in knowing what things are her
responsibility and what arent.
She takes on others problems
that she does not need to. In
addition, she is frequently frus-
trated and stressed because she
has a hard time saying no when
people ask her to do things and
takes on projects that she does
not have time for.
Any confusion of responsibil-
ity and ownership in our lives is
a problem of boundaries. Just
as we set physical boundaries
around our property and our
body, we need to set mental
and emotional boundaries for
our lives to help us decide what
is our responsibility. Physical boundaries such as fences, walls, and
hedges are easy to see. Our personal boundaries are just as real, but
are often harder to see and maintain. The boundaries we are talking
about help you define:
What is my problem and what is another persons problem.
What is my responsibility and what am I not responsible for.
One of the basic boundary-setting words is no. It may sound con-
frontational, but it lets others know that you exist apart from them and
you are in charge of you. It is important to be clear about your no and
yes so that people in your life know where you stand. In reality, we
are not setting limits on others, but we are setting limits for ourselves
and on how much we are letting people control our lives.
Boundary problems can look different in many people. Here are
some common examples of boundary struggles:
People who are overly compliant may have fuzzy and indistinct
boundaries. They melt into the demands and needs of other people.
They pretend to like things so as to not rock the boat.
People who have a hard time asking people for what they want and
need. This type of person may be avoidant or withdraws when they
are in need and does not ask for the support of others.
Controlling people have a problem hearing and respecting others
boundaries. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives and
thus need to control others. They can be either aggressive or manipu-
lative controllers.
Boundaries (Not Fences) in Our Lives
By Claire Maquet, LCPC, True North Solutions
setting limits
Unresponsive people seem unaware of others. This group of people
chooses to ignore the needs of other people rather than finding a
balance that allows healthy relationships and boundaries.
Boundary problems are rooted in the many interactions that we
have with others, as well as our own personalities and nature. Some
people (like Susan in the example) feel they are selfish if they are firm in
their boundaries, but boundaries actually help us care for others more
because people know where they stand with us. Others worry about
the consequences of putting up boundaries and losing friendships, but
it is possible to be firm but nice.
Susan discovered that when she was assertive with people about
her boundaries, her life was much freer and her emotional pain was
beginning to disappear. She found herself with more energy for all she
wanted to do because she had good limits and boundaries for herself
and her relationships.
If you have trouble setting boundaries or are in need of coun-
seling, you can call True North Solutions at 309-589-1011 or visit
www.truenorthsolutions.org.
Claire Maquet is a licensed clinical professional counselor at True
North Solutions. She provides a variety of services for adults and
specializes in stress, relationship issues, and anxiety disorders.
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