Page 24 Healthy Cells Magazine Peoria July 2014

is it true love?
rest of their
lives and often
cause much pain,
not onl y wi th the
couple but with many other
family and friends.
I often find this self-deception becoming
stronger with the idea, in this feeling of falling in love, the person
has suddenly found their soul mate. Websters New World Diction-
ary tells us that a soul mate is a person of the opposite sex, with
whom one has a deeply personal relationship. Wikipedia says that
Soul mate is a term sometimes used to designate someone with
whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, friendship,
love, intimacy, sexuality, and/or compatibility. Wikipedia further
O
ver and over again I have heard statements such as I
have fallen out of love or I have fallen in love.
Unfortunately, these statements most of
the time have nothing to do with real, true love.
Scott Peck, in his book, The Road Less
Traveled, wrote: Love is not a feeling.
He further writes: The misconcep-
tion that love is a feeling exists
because we confuse cathecting
with loving.
Websters New Worl d
Di cti onary tel l s us that
cathecting is to concen-
trate psychi c energy
on a person or object.
Scott Pecks tel l s us
that Cathecting is
the process by which
an object becomes
i mportant to us.
Once cathected, the
obj ect, commonl y
referred to as a love
object, is invested
with our energy as
if it was a part of
ourselves, and this
relationship between
us and the invested
obj ect i s cal l ed a
cathexi s. Websters
New World Dictionary
tells us that cathexis is
used by Freud and that
it is psychoanalysis con-
centrating of psychic energy
on some particular person,
thing, idea, or aspect of the self.
Scott Peck also tells us that: The
process of withdrawing our energy
from a love object so that it loses its
sense of importance for us is known as
decathecting. The misconception that love is
a feeling exists because we confuse cathecting
with loving.
Unfortunately this feeling of love seems real. There is
often a strong feeling of connectedness that seems to answer a
void in our lives. We may also find ourselves mirroring the other per-
son, which I see as seeing ourselves in the other person. We may
even have a true endorphin rush where we conclude that somehow
we have found true love. However, this is not the case. Scott Peck
further writes: The common tendency to confuse love with the
feeling of love allows people all manner of self-deception. I unfor-
tunately find that this self-deception is so strong that the persons
involved in these feelings of love make decisions that affect the
Self Deception of In Love Feelings
By Phillip J. Ladd, LCPC, Co-President, Christian Psychological Associates and John R. Day & Associates, Ltd.
Phillip J. Ladd, LCPC
July 2014 Peoria Healthy Cells Magazine Page 25
states that A related concept is that of twin flame or twin soul
thought to be the ultimate soulmate, the one and only other
half of ones soul, for which all souls are driven to find and join.
Unfortunately, this concept of twin souls is not a Christian concept.
Wikipedia further states There is a prevalent concept in some
segments of the New Age movement that some souls are literally
made and/or fated to be the mates of each other, or to play certain
other important roles in each others lives. In the April 2002 issue
of the Oprah magazine, David Popenoe, PhD, co-director of the
National Marriage Project writes, A soul mate means a person
who is exactly right for you, with who you have perfect chemistry.
In theory, the concept is terrific. But searching and believing in a
soul mate is not helpful. Anyone has hundreds of potential mar-
riage partners. Its a terrible idea to look for a perfect match. He
does not exist.
Many people claim that their soul mate completes them. Greek
Philosopher Plato actually talked about the idea of a soul mate
completing us. Over two thousand years ago, Plato believed that
a person was split in two. Therefore, we live our lives searching
for that missing other person who completes us.
1
I respectfully
disagree with Plato. We need to find completeness and wholeness
within ourselves and in our relationship with God. Psychologically,
this is may be part of the quest for self-actualization which I
believe that we never truly find in this life. Self-actualization is at
the top of Maslows hierarchy of needs (1954) and if possible to
achieve, can only be done when all the other needs are met. Spiri-
tually, this completeness is to be found in Christ as one is trans-
formed by the renewing of their minds (Romans 12:2). Too often,
people look for this completeness and wholeness by searching
for their soul mate. However, this void that tempts them to look
outward for answers is an inward and spiritual issue.
Love is a choice, not just a feeling. True love comes with a
commitment to love. The feeling type of pseudo love just doesnt
work. True love comes to pass by a persons choice. It is a com-
mitment that often takes self discipline and sacrifice. The quest for
true love takes work; it doesnt just happen. Like self-actualization,
we may never find true, unconditional love in this life but I believe
that it is still to be our quest. Striving for this type of love finds
one struggling and sacrificing to find what St. Paul in Scripture
describes for us in 1 Corinthians 13: 4- 8a Love is patient; love
is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does
not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not
rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things,
believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never
ends. This type of love is much more than a feeling. It is a com-
mitment that includes struggle and self denial. This is the type of
love that works.
For more information, contact John R. Day & Associates,
Christian Psychological Associates, located at 3716 West Brigh-
ton Avenue, Peoria at or their locations in Normal, Canton, Pekin,
Princeton, or Eureka. Call us at 309-692-7755 or visit us online:
christianpsychological.org.
Sources: 1. Platos Symposium in the Portable Plato, Scott Buchanan, pp. 146-148
Photo credit: Creatas/Thinkstock
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