It all started when our overrated adventurer, Gabby Jerkins, woke up in a hau

nted thicket. It was the tenth time it had happened. Feeling abundantly concerne
d, Gabby Jerkins grabbed a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but a
s usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected he realized that his beloved
Dildo was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing f
riend, Sasha Grey. Gabby Jerkins had known Sasha Grey for 550,000 years, the maj
ority of which were saucy ones. Sasha Grey was unique. She was charismatic thou
gh sometimes a little... kinky. Gabby Jerkins called her anyway, for the situati
on was urgent.
Sasha Grey picked up to a very unhappy Gabby Jerkins. Sasha Grey calmly assur
ed him that most man-eating capybaras yawn before mating, yet long-haired sea mo
nkeys usually sassily turn red *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant;
she was only concerned with distracting Gabby Jerkins. Why was Sasha Grey tryin
g to distract Gabby Jerkins? Because she had snuck out from Gabby Jerkins's wit
h the Dildo only five days prior. It was a enticing little Dildo... how could s
he resist?
It didn't take long before Gabby Jerkins got back to the subject at hand: his
Dildo. Sasha Grey grimaced. Relunctantly, Sasha Grey invited him over, assuring
him they'd find the Dildo. Gabby Jerkins grabbed his hammock and disembarked im
mediately. After hanging up the phone, Sasha Grey realized that she was in troub
le. She had to find a place to hide the Dildo and she had to do it fearlessly. S
he figured that if Gabby Jerkins took the noise-polluting import, she had take a
t least ten minutes before Gabby Jerkins would get there. But if he took the Jo
hn Deere? Then Sasha Grey would be exceedingly screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Sasha Grey was interrupte
d by nine stupid snakes that were lured by her Dildo. Sasha Grey grimaced; 'Not
again', she thought. Feeling exasperated, she aptly reached for her wolverine an
d deftly grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterre
nt--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, s
quealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Jo
hn Deere rolling up. It was Gabby Jerkins.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unschedule
d stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running la
te. With a hasty leap, Gabby Jerkins was out of the John Deere and went explosi
vely jaunting toward Sasha Grey's front door. Meanwhile inside, Sasha Grey was
panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Dildo into a box of ripened avocados a
nd then slid the box behind her hippopotamus. Sasha Grey was exasperated but at
least the Dildo was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Sasha Grey surreptitiously purred. With a quick push, Gabby Jerki
ns opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abras
ive rationality-deprived retard in a wannabe go-fast Civic,' he lied. 'It's fin
e,' Sasha Grey assured him. Gabby Jerkins took a seat just under where Sasha Gre
y had hidden the Dildo. Sasha Grey belched trying unsuccessfully to hide her ner
vousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Gabby Jerkins was di
stracted. As if it really mattered Sasha Grey noticed a insensitive look on Gabb
y Jerkins's face. Gabby Jerkins slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Sasha Grey felt a stabbing pain in her kidney when Gabby Jerkins asked this.
In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Dildo right by h
er oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive
look started to form on Gabby Jerkins's face. He turned to notice a box that se
emed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when
she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. G
abby Jerkins nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Sasha Grey could re
act, Gabby Jerkins skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Dildo wa
s plainly in view.
Gabby Jerkins stared at Sasha Grey for what what must've been four nanosecond
s. As if it really mattered Sasha Grey groped wildly in Gabby Jerkins's directio
n, clearly desperate. Gabby Jerkins grabbed the Dildo and bolted for the door.
It was locked. Sasha Grey let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been
so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Gabby Jerkins,'
she rebuked. Sasha Grey always had been a little insensitive, so Gabby Jerkins k
new that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Sasha Grey
did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at her or something. As if
it really mattered he gripped his Dildo tightly and made a dash toward the windo
w, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Sasha Grey looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The o
ther door was open, you know.' Silence from Gabby Jerkins. 'And to think, I varn
ished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a ting
e of concern for Gabby Jerkins. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Sasha Grey wal
ked over to the window and looked down. Gabby Jerkins was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Gabby Jerkins was struggling to make his way through the bush be
hind Sasha Grey's place. Gabby Jerkins had severely hurt his prostate during the
window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral snak
es suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Dildo. One by one they latched
on to Gabby Jerkins. Already weakened from his injury, Gabby Jerkins yielded to
the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing conscio
usness was a buzzing horde of snakes running off with his Dildo.
About ten hours later, Gabby Jerkins awoke, his kidney throbbing. It was dar
k and Gabby Jerkins did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy bush, Gabby Je
rkins was abundantly lost. As if it really mattered he remembered that his Dildo
was taken by the snakes. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life.
That's when, to his horror, a big snake emerged from the disease-infested jungl
e. It was the alpha snake. Gabby Jerkins opened his mouth to scream but was cut
short when the snake sunk its teeth into Gabby Jerkins's kidney. With a faint g
roan, the life escaped from Gabby Jerkins's lungs, but not before he realized th
at he was a failure.
Less than six miles away, Sasha Grey was entombed by anguish over the loss of
the Dildo. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened live hand
grenade. With a careful thrust, she buried it deeply into her scalp. As the r
oom began to fade to black, she thought about Gabby Jerkins... wishing she had f
ound the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that d
ay. All that remained was the Dildo that had turned them against each other, ul
timately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches b
egan to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilli
ng cry of distant snakes, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and per
petuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've l
ived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived
forever after, the end. :'(