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Hungry as
F
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the reddit cookbook
2
Compilation and design by http://www.reddit.com/user/afrael/, April 2011.
Recipes have been attributed to their authors as much as possible, and for most recipes a shortlink to the original location of the recipe is
provided. The shortlink consists of a five character code, which will direct you to the proper thread when typed into a web browser following
the prefix http://redd.it/. Authors are listed as [deleted] if their reddit accounts have been deleted.
Most of the illustrated recipes in this cookbook can be found in the fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuud subreddit (at www.f7u12d.com). Recipe selection
was done through community suggestion at the thread with shortlink g6cet. The title of this cookbook was suggested by procrasturbater in
redd.it/ebnuh.
If you have any comments or suggestions for this cookbook, contact me (afrael) through private message (via http://www.reddit.com/message/
compose/?to=afrael). Ill probably wont do anything about it since Ive spent way too much time on this thing as it is, but feel free to contact
me anyway. I quite like orangereds :D.
3
Hungry as
F
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the reddit cookbook
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Breakfast
MoFuggin Breakfast Burritos 8
Breakfast sludge 10
Bacon Pancake Breakfast Sandwiches 14
Refried beans and eggs 16
Dependable Eggs 16
Easy Crepes 16
Lunch
Bruschetta Chicken Breast 18
Grilled motherfuckin cheese 21
Couscous 22
Lentil Stuff 22
Egg Noodles 22
Dinner
This is how MEN cook 24
Chicken Crunch Wrap Supreme 26
motherfucking quiche 28
Chicken Piccata 33
Spaghetti Carbonara 34
Fuck it... Bolognese 36
MFn Eggrolls 39
Pernil & Tostones 42
Mother Trucin Ribs, Bitches 44
Best steak Ive ever made 49
Chicken Flied Lice! 50
Shepherds Pie 52
Potato Hobo Pack 52
Drunken Tacos 52
Snacks
Freaking Phenomenal Brownies 54
Microwave Cake 55
Snow Ice Cream Bitch 56
Rainbow Fucking Brownies 57
Bacon Cinnamon Rolls 60
Frosting for your Fucking Cake 63
Lemon Squares - Without Words 64
Spread 66
fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuudge 69
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Variation by rick-victor
If you don't roll your burrito, and then fry both sides in some oil/butter in a frying pan, well, you're
not eating a burrito that is crispy and delicious, and you're also failing at life
10
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Protip by wisd0m
I tried Breakfast Sludge this morning. I am still alive.
I used Post Shredded Wheat ' Bran, very cheap instant coffee ($1.00), Nestle Hot Cocoa Mix, Sweet
Coconut Thai, cinnamon, sugar and whole milk.
Notes:
* The taste was too sweet for me - the hot coco has sugar,
so adding additional sugar is unnecessary.
* The cinnamon is very important. Don't try to drink this without it.
* The Chi that I used added more complex flavors and improved the sludge.
* Why are you waiting, make some sludge.
* Sludge was all I had for breakfast and was satisfying.
Variation by mastertwisted
What a pussy. Did you forget the Irish whiskey, or are you catering to emo bitches? Fuck.
14
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Refried beansggs
by gerbal, shortlink: 8mgtt
- 1/2 can refried beans, purchased from a local
tienda
- 3 eggs scrambled with lime juice (gets rid of
sulfur taste in cheap eggs) and hot sauce
Eat on tortillas, refrigerate what you dont eat.
If you want to run head first to a coronary you can
pan fry the whole thing on the tortilla in butter or
lard. Delicious.
Its what I had for breakfast this morning. Whole
meal came to $.75.
If you are feeling wealthy you can try adding
some chopped veggies and cheese, peppers are
particularly tasty in scrambled eggs.
Dependable Eggs
by tomparker, shortlink: 8mgtt
Heres a fun one: Start with a non-stick muffin tin
and a loaf of cheap, soft, white sandwich bread.
Preheat oven to 400. Peel off the crust of a piece
of bread and press the remaining square into the
muffin tin squishing the air out of the sides and the
bottom.
When youre done, it should look like a thick cup-
cake cup. Repeat until each receptacle on the tin
is lined with a bread-cup with the rough edges left
fluffy at the tops.
Melt a 1/4 stick of butter and brush on the edges
of each cup letting the extra drizzle inside. Crack
open and deposit the contents of one medium egg
into each cup being careful not to let the egg run
outside the bread cup.
Sprinkle a little basil on top. Garnish with a torn
piece of sliced ham, crispy bacon, or anything else
you like.
Toss in the oven for 15-20 minutes. Remove when
the edges are brown. You can adjust the time
depending upon whether you prefer your eggs hard
or softboiled.
Pop a couple for breakfast. Eat them later, hot or
cold, as snacks. Ive found that kids love these
things too. Theyre cheap, easy, and you can vary
to suit your mood by changing the garnishes and
spices. Its the Dependable, Vendable Egg!
Easy Crepes
by scissorsneedfoodtoo, shortlink: 8mgtt
Heres an easy crepe recipe I made this morning:
- 3 eggs
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 2 1/8 cups of flour (just 2 is easier to remember
off the top of my head)
- 2 cups of milk
- About a 1/4 cups worth of butter to grease the pan
for all the crepes
Add 2 tablespoons sugar and 1 teaspoon of vanilla
recipe for desert crepes.
Mix everything but the butter in a bowl with a
whisk, or just go ahead and use the blender. Let
the batter sit in the fridge for about an hour before
use to account for the flour expansion and bubble
collapse.
Then, its just a matter of pouring a small ladles
worth in a wide, buttered, non-stick pan over LOW
heat, swirling a pan around to get a thin coat over
the surface.
Cook the first side for about a minute, flip carefully,
then add your fillings. Jams, jellies, bananas and
brown sugar, marshmallows and chocolate, tuna
and cheese, go ahead and get creative.
Then just fold, flip again if you can, plate, and NOM
NOM NOM (never typed that before, feels good).
Great tasting, cheap, and really fast if you make the
batter the night before and have your fillings ready
and chopped up if need be.
17
Lunch
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Protip by mieksemakse
Dont forget to turn over the cutting board when cutting some more basil. And use another knife that
did not touch the raw chicken. Or else suffer the consequences [Enteritis Salmonelliosis] or horrible
consequences [Antibiotic resistance].
20
Variation by Rabid_Llama8
Make the bread ciabiatta bread, remove the cheese, and treat the tomatoes correctly for bruschetta,
and this is dynamite. Or, instead of bread, use whole wheat spaghetti.
Variation by aerosquid
When I think of Bruschetta I do not think of 2 thin slices of white bread. Bruschetta is supposed to
be THICK and grilled at least in my kitchen. I typically use french or italian bread sliced thick.
21
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Couscous
by noether, shortlink: a4eto
This can be made in large batches. Ingredients:
- couscous
- knorr chicken broth mix (the powder kind)
I always eyeball the broth to couscous. look at the
water required for both to get a good idea.Mix these
in a tuperware container.
Add any or all of the following:
- pistachios
- cumin
- apricots (cut up)
- chili flakes
- raisins
- red lentils
- thyme
- whatever
Now all you have to do is take out the amount that
you want and add water. This is good for a quick
lunch to go and is super cheep. Couscous is better
for you than ramen noodles. If making at home,
drizzle with olive oil.
Lentil Stuff
by Onionhead, shortlink: a4eto
One of my favorites for quick, easy and cheap:
- 1 c dried brown lentils (washed and picked over
for rocks and bad beans)
- 1.5 c chopped tomatoes and juices (canned is
fine),
- 1 c water or stock
- 1 onion, chopped
- 2 tsp minced garlic
- 2 T olive oil
- 1 tsp each ground cinnamon, tumeric, and cumin,
1 bay leaf
Heat oil in a pot, add onion and cook for 5 minutes,
stirring. Add garlic and spices and cook for another
minute. Add lentils, tomatoes, bay leaf, and water or
stock, partially cover and cook, stirring occasionally,
until lentils are tender (25-30 minutes), adding
additional liquid if necessary to prevent burning
(should be saucy rather than soupy).
You can double this recipe and make lunch for a
whole week for about 5 dollars!
Leftovers freeze pretty well, too.
RamenEgg Noodles
by [deleted], shortlink: 8mgtt
- 1 Egg
- 1 ramen noodles package
- Optional: some diced onions, diced tomatoes,
and chopped up cilantro. All proportionately
Cook ramen noodles in water, dont add the
packaged seasoning yet, then drain water.
Place 1 egg, oil in preheated pan, scramble eggs
with a quarter of the packaged seasoning (Optional:
add the onions).
Stir, add the cooked & drained ramen noodles, stir
and sprinkle the rest of the packaged seasoning
(Optional: add the tomatoes and the cilantro as you
stir).
Then finally, nom nom nom....
23
Dinner
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Fuck 98% of the suggestions on here. Be a fucking
man. Dont mess around with this third world
bachelor bullshit. Women will never respect you
and youre going to starve to fucking death come
the apocalypse.
This is how MEN cook:
1.
Open a bottle of decent whiskey. Pour yourself 3
fingers over ice. No you may NOT smoke a fucking
joint. Save that shit for dessert.

2.
Pour yourself a new glass of whiskey. Prepare a
mixture of roughly 1/2 stick of butter, lemon zest
(one lemons zest) , salt, fresh black pepper (Be a
MAN buy a pepper mill), and some nice well ground
chorizo. (cooked motherfucker! Goya works fine.)
Garam masala powder if you have some. Once the
butter is soft, mix in the rest of yer ingredients. Now
you have a paste.
3.
Work that shit under the skin of yer bird through the
small hole you cut by the ass. Actually, there usually
is a smallish hole there anyway...in that case just
work the skin loose by sticking your fingers in there
and GENTLY prying that shit from the meat. WORK it
in there.
You may have to loosen the skin some with your
fingers or a long plastic thing. DONt Break the
goddamn skin. What are you some kind of retard?
Just work it in there. Massage it. You can also cut
small holes on the skinny end of each leg and put
some of the mixture in there.
4.
Now, for god fucking sake throw out the nasty shit
they put in the cavity and throw in a few cloves of
crushed peeled garlic, and the lemon you zested
(dont know how to zest a lemon nancy boy? Thats
what google is for bucko.) cut into quarters.
5.
Pour yourself a new glass of whiskey. So now you
have a bird with some potentially delicious flavors
mingling under the skin. Not a bad start, but do you
really want that shit all slimy and rubbery? No. No
you dont.
DO this: Pat down the skin of that fucker with some
paper towels till its fucking dry. Then sprinkle some
fucking baking powder on that fucker. Then sprinkle
some fucking salt and fresh pepper. NOW. Heat up
your goddamn oven to like 350 fucking degrees and
throw that motherfucker in there.
6.
Instead of twiddling your dink while you wait for
the shit to finish, cut up some fucking red bliss
potatoes. and coat those fuckers with olive oil.
Now, (Yes now you fucking lazy fuck what you want
the fucking chicken to burn? God... ) Get yourself
some fucking rosemary, some fucking tarragon,
and some more salt and pepper and throw that shit
into a mortar and pestle and grind the fuck out of
it (Jesus fucking christ, this guy, you dont have a
fucking mortar and pestle do you? Fuck me. OK just
put the rosemary in your fucking hands and mash
it up until it starts to smell good and breaks into
smaller pieces )
Throw this shit on the potatoes and throw them in
the oven. No, not in the same pan as the chicken
you fucktard- what you want them all covered in
chicken fat? Put them in their own pan. A cast iron
frying pan is perfect.
OK jerkoff, now you can leave this shit sizzling for
awhile and go jack off or play guitar (my suggestion)
or watch BBC World News America (my second
choice) while this shit cooks up.
Rule of thumb: you wanna cook this bastard
around 45 minutes per pound, so the internal
temperature. (WHAT? You dont have a fucking meat
thermometer? Fuck me. Go ask that cute girl with
the glasses down the hall) is around 170. I guess
I have to fucking tell you the right way to measure
the temperature? Fine. Stick the thermometer about
halfway into the breast. Dont try and do it on a
fucking leg you sub literate moron, those shits are
always hotter because they are fucking sticking
straight up. Dumb ass. Dont throw the potatoes in
till the chicken has 45 minutes or so left to cook.
OK. Pay attention. This is the kind of shit that most
people wont tell you: When the bird is like 97
percent done, say when its at 160...crank up that
fucking oven to like 425 and stand the fuck back
for at least 15 minutes. You wanna let that sweet,
buttery skin crisp up right? Crank that shit son.
25
OK, by now that shit is smelling so fucking good
the entire building is droooling and about to call
dominoes because they are too fucking dumb and
self loathing to cook this shit for themselves. Pull
that fucker out of the oven and just look at it. Ill
bet you would just start immediately carving that
bastard up right? Idiot. You NEED to wait at least
10 minutes before you cut that fucker up otherwise
all the fucking juices are gonna dribble out and sit
there is the bottom of the pan.
There. Cook this for a bitch and she will give you
blumpkins every night of the week for the rest of
your life.
Protip from nevesis
Don't cook internal to 170!!
Take out at 160 in the breast.
It will hit 170 while it rests, and 160 is safe
anyway.
(no one wants that shit dry!)
26
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Variation by ImputrescibleUndead
I do this with bacon and scrambled egg and only one wrap folded like an xmas present.
28
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Protip by vapulate
Check the pie crusts for cracks before pouring liquid eggs over them and plopping them into the
oven
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Ok, for the sake of clarity, in case some redditors
come fronting with their supposed cooking talents,
but are in fact only home cook housewives hidden
within a bacon smell in order to lure you: I grew
up in restaurant business. My father had three
restaurants in France. One of them visited by a
French president himself. Our restaurant was facing
the Louvre and got free advertising on French
national radio because it was that good.
Later on, I opened a restaurant with a friend in studio
city in Los Angeles that made the Zagat twice. One
time, in 2000, best personal restaurant in Los
Angeles, and in 2001, they called us top notch.
The present governor of California came on a weekly
basis and may other folks.
Our setting was intimate. Our cuisine was
magnificent. The product we served was hand
picked at three in the morning. We snatched the
goods from big restaurant names because their
chefs were too lazy to do the trip to the early
morning markets. Mexicans filet makers loved us.
Fresh vegetables kept their best in their backrooms
for us. We ruled LA for three years and sold the darn
joint in time before the economic collapse.
Because I love reddit, once a week I will give you
one of our recipe. Fuck you if you want to hate, enjoy
if you find these recipe attractive. These recipe will
need passion and work. Not for the faint of heart.
Oh, also, my grammar sucks, because English is
my second language. So for those grammar Nazi,
please go suck a dick. Heres my first recipe for you
my dear reddit:
Spaghetti alla Bolognese
The secret of all good French and Italian sauce
and why you guys get heart burns all the time in the
US is a good stock. In the US, most restaurant is
fucking you by doing cheap beef stock you wouldnt
want to see how it is made, so there is may stock:
Veal stock:
Get three big bones of veal. I dont care how you
find the darn thing. Kill it yourself for all I care, just
get some darn veal bones.
Pick a large Aluminum or stainless steal bowl. Put
the bone in it with marrow showing. Usually neck
bones are the best. Add a pinch of rock salt, two
tablespoons of your best olive oil, black pepper
grounded coarsely and fresh thyme. Dont even read
further if the thyme is not fresh. Just dont . Forget
it. Oh, you have fresh thyme? OK. You can go on.
Now get some real garlic. Not that made in China
shit that composed 90% of what in your supermarket
(Im not shitting you, 90% of the garlic you find in
your store are now made in China. Half of it grown
with human waste. You can send a nice thank you
letter to the FDA if you wish).
OK, now you have the right fucking garlic. Cut it
nicely like uncle Pauli, meaning super thin. Cut
4 buds. Toss it in the bowl with everything I said
earlier. Watch your fucking hands like you are going
to operate someone. Done? OK. Now mix the whole
thing in the bowl with your hand.
Now set the oven like it is hell inside, 450 F, no
less. Put the content of the bowl in a cast Iron pot
with no enamel, like cowboy style. Put it in the oven.
Cook 35 minutes. The house should smell like an
Italian girl comes in your house and suddenly want
to have sex.
You should stay on this so dont do anything else
until those bones are done.
OK, now. Peel 4 large carrots, some gorgeous stuffs.
Not the stuff you buy with food stamps. Two nice
leeks. Yeah, the cashier will ask you what the hell
this is, guaranteed, and youll tell her, you know,
there is more than chicken and beef out there!...
Anyway... cut the leeks along the length and clean
it thoroughly (sand love to stick on those). Two
branches of celery only. Two large white onions,
the kind to make a grown man cry. Cut them only
in half. Half a cup of tomato paste. (the ingredients
should read: Tomatoes, and nothing else, no salt,
no sugar, nothing else. Those are out there, I get
them all the time even in the shittiest store; just
learn how to read. Usually they have Italian name.
Just dont do Heinz). Six whole pepper seeds, two
cloves. A huge bunch of curly parsley, half a lemon
with its skin, half a pound of Crimini/ Italian brown
mushrooms. Fresh fucking thyme, a lot.
37
Put all this in two gallons of water in a very large
pot. Toss the bone inside with a good piece of
smoke pork belly or a nice piece of bacon (but not
too big as to overpower the veal. Remember, its a
veal stock, not a pork stock, ok?). Mix a bit. Boil for
a hour. Simmer for four hours. Kill the fire. Keep the
liquid. Throw everything else. Yes. Do it.
Those vegetables and meats have given to the
liquids everything they had, their taste, their soul,
everything; even if they still look good, they are
pointless to eat. Now your veal stock is ready. You
can save it for two weeks. Beef stock can be saved
a mere four days. Fish stock only two days. Chicken
stock three days top. I know this well: these are the
regulations that if you break them causes the state
inspectors to close your joint!
All right. Now you have your stock that took you a
whole fucking Saturday to do, and you are ready
to have that Italian chick on Sunday for a great
Bolognese and even better sex.
Start with one nice big onion cut in small cubes in
grape seed oil. Not olive oil. Grape seed oil is also
an Italian (and French) thing. It has not cholesterol,
no polyunsaturated fats, and has no taste. So all the
ingredients you cook stays genuine in flavor. Its
a bit pricey but it kept on going until 400F before
burning. In other words, that oil is from the Gods,
and the US corporate food hates it and never uses
it. So it must be good..
Meanwhile, crush four canned anchovies in a
small bowl. I know you American wont like it, but
I promise you: you will never feel nor taste it, its
just like a natural MSG that, if you dont tell anyone,
no one will notice, but it does make a hell of a
difference in the deepness of the overall taste. Now
saute the onion in a large, I mean large a pan, 12
inch minimum. The largest the pan is, the more
the water can evaporate and the brown crisp can
develop beautifully everywhere.
Half way until brown put the anchovies with
the onion and mix... yes...i know... it will smell
horrendous in the first minute.. like some bad
smelly socks.. full of ammonia.. ... yes... I know....
but then things starts to transform and the smell
becomes amazing... well, maybe youll find out
after a dozen try, anyway.
Now, put your grounded beef, grounded veal and
grounded pork, equal parts. For 4 persons? Try half
a pound of each. If you cant find ground veal, do
half beef half pork. Thats all right. You will just
miss on something extraordinary, but you can keep
on reading. Anyway, now the fishy smell should be
gone. Toss in it one full garlic clove minced. Mix
well on full fire. Add one full tablespoon of salt,
same with black pepper.
When all the meat seems cooked and the proteins
starts developing into an inconvenient crust at the
bottom it is time for the wine to come singing. Red.
Dry! One full cup to start. OK... I forgot something...
Have this cup of wine hot on the side. You dont
want to stop the cooking process by pouring cold
wine on the meat! So heat up the wine just 4~5
minutes before doing this.
Now pour the how wine on the meat and toss a
pinch of coriander in it. The latter kills the taste of
alcohol and leaves the warm taste of the wine intact.
Whatever... just, put a pinch of the darn thing.
Deglaize. Now the wine is almost absorbed, add a
full cup of veal stock. Cover. Cook for 30 minutes.
Open it up. Now it is smelling like fucking heaven
and the Italian girl is really all over you. Hold her up
by pouring more wine in her glass and come back to
the stove. Put your dick on your hear, youll smoke
it later. Now, open a big can of magnificent crush
tomatoes and toss it in the sauce. You dont need
to add more tomato paste (hey, the sauce does not
need to be this fucking red like corporate food
wants you to believe. Taste it, youll understand)
Mix well. Add a nice bunch of big basil leaves in
it. If you want to add great quality mushrooms, or
some oil infused with it, heres the time. Cover
again. Add a cube of unsalted butter. Dont ask why.
Cook 20 minutes more on low fire.
Kill the whole thing. Keep it covered. Cooked your
spaghetti the heck you want it to be done. Toss with
the sauce in a way the pasta does not swim in it,
with fresh grated dry Italian cheese on top. Cut some
parley thin and reserve for the final touch on the
plate on top of the cheese. Serve with a burgundy or
a top notch Californian Pinot noir, and Crispy Italian
bread. Have the girl feeding you.
38
Protip by jupiterjones
These two recipes are bullshit. There are several rookie mistakes listed here. This guy has read high
quality recipes, but does not remember them.
Signs this is bullshit:
- Roast thinly sliced garlic at 450 for 35 minutes? Enjoy your blackened garlic crisps that will make
everything taste bitter and terrible.
- Curly parsley? Seriously? That shit is bullshit. Real cooks and real Italians use flat leafed italian
parsley. You know - the stuff with flavor. Rookie.
- Veal stock with pork in it? Veal stock with tomato paste in it? This stuff goes into the Bolognese
sauce when you're making THAT, not into the stock.
- Half a lemon? Why would you put the bitter-ass lemon pith (the white part) in? If you want the
flavor, juice the lemon and take the rind off and put it in. Rookie mistake.
- Grapeseed oil is great for high temperature roasting or searing, but Bolognese calls for onion
sauteed in olive oil. The flavor of the olive oil matters.
- Coriander? Fuck that.
- Crushed tomatoes? My god. Why all this processed bullshit? You want to spend a day making veal
stock and then you use crushed tomatoes? Get a can or two of real San Marzano tomatoes and run
them through your food mill to get rid of the seeds. Or keep the seeds, I don't care. Just use whole
real tomatoes without that Calcium Chloride shit that makes them keep their shape. Crush those
bitches in your hands (your clean hands) as you put them in.
If anyone is interested in a real recipe that isnt written by a rookie and actually describes the way
Italians might make it, check out FXcuisines Serious Rag Bolognese. Thats a real recipe.
Protip by rebel
You might want to add that you dont want your veal stock to ever boil completely. 186 tops. This
way your stock wont be murky and if you need to make double consomme at some point this makes
it easier and a better tasting end product.
BTW, your stock will be on the stove at least 4 hours and up to 6. Chicken stock starts to taste funny
after 4 hours. Beef stock is quite often 5-6 hours.
If you sterilize plastic containers, you may put HOT stock 3/4 the way up the container. Let a layer of
fat, or pour some from the pot, rise to the top, about 1/8 to 1/4 inch. Let come to room temp, gently
stack in freezer. If you dont have enough fat to seal, use olive oil, butter, or rendered washed lard
(made at home, not the store bought), melted duck fat, etc. Once frozen this will last theoretically
forever, but for best taste a few months. A chest freezer a loads of quart and pint sized containers is
ideal. The fat layer can be removed if you desire during thawing process.
39
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Take a lesson from the Puerto Ricans. Millions of
us have managed to survive in one of the most
expensive cities on earth with recipes like this:
Find a supermarket that has black beans on sale.
Buy as much as you can. Then buy 5 or so pounds
of Carolina rice, a bag of onions, a few bulbs of
garlic, and a box of Goya Sazon.
Set 2 cups of water to boil. Dick around on reddit
until the water is boiling. Throw in one cup of rice,
turn the heat down to simmer and lid that shit. Slice
up a small onion. Smash up a clove of garlic. Throw
some olive oil or butter into a HOT pan. Throw the
onions and garlic into the pan and fry them till the
onion gets glassy. Throw some salt in there. Grind
some pepper in there for good luck. Toss in half a
packet of Sazon and stir till you get a paste. Now
you have a ghetto sofrito.
Dump in your can of beans bean juice and all. Stir
that shit up. Add a pinch of Cayenne pepper so you
remember that you have a set of cojones. Set that
shit on simmer. Your rice is done. Throw the beans
on top.
Win.
You should get at least 2 meals out of one can of
beans, and if your lucky you can get black beans
2 for $1. Adding the cost of the Garlic, Sazon
and a small onion and you still eat a tasty, hearty,
relatively healthy meal for less than $1.
Now. You are a growing lad. You need MEAT
OK, first of all, fuck eating lips and assholes.
There is a much, much tastier option that has kept
millions of starving boriquas alive for generations:
PORK SHOULDER.
In my neighborhood in Brooklyn, Pork shoulder is
79 cents a pound. Thats right. 79 cents. A package
of hot dogs at $2.50 is more than double the price
and has offal and all sorts of vile shit inside.
Buy yourself a nice meaty pork shoulder. 5 lbs
should do nicely. Bring that fucker home and get
out a long, thin knife.
In a pilon (thats a mortar and pestle gringo) smash
up a few cloves of Garlic, some sazon, some, salt,
some pepper, and some oil. Grind it up GOOD. Now
you have another ghetto sofrito.
Take your knife and stab some holes in the pig. Twist
the knife around so the holes get nice and wide.
Now, take some of your sofrito and stuff it into the
holes. Dont be shy blanco, ram it in there. Use the
remainder to roughly coat the outside of the pig.
RUB IT. CARESS IT. This pig died so that you may
eat. Salt that shit all over the outside and crack
some fucking pepper on there.
Set your oven for ~300 degrees. Throw the pork
in skin side up and WAIT. Its going to take like 45
minutes a pound...
A warning: The smell is going to drive you fucking
INSANE. You have to wait this part out. Farm work is
the best cure.
After an an hour and a half, jab it with a meat
thermometer, but remember to not rest it on the
bone, or you will get a bad reading.
You should be at around 150-160 degrees. Now
comes the fun part. CRANK the stove up to 400
degrees. This will give you an orgasmic, crispy skin
that will make your pork rinds taste like year old
carboard comparison.
At 170 ish? Pull that fucker out, but DONT carve it
up. You need to wait at least ten minutes otherwise
all those sweet, sweet pig juices will dribble the
fuck out. WAIT.
Congratulations. You just made Pernil. A five pound
Pernil should give you meat for at least a week.
SAVOR IT BROTHER. SAVOR IT
Edit: Forgot the best and cheapest fucking recipe!!!
TOSTONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck me. Green plaintains are usually like 5 for a
fucking dollar! Heres my moms recipe:
Fry up some bacon. Set the bacon aside and save
that lovely, glistening fat. Take a plantain and run
a knife down the side and split the skin off without
breaking the plantain. This takes a bit of practice.
Slice up the plantain into ~1/3 inch thick slices.
Throw them into a bowl of ice water.
You have a fry daddy? Youre golden papi. No? Pour
around half an inch of oil into a frying pan. Corn oil
works best, olive oil smokes too easily. Get that shit
hot! Throw in your bacon grease.
43
Take your sliced up plantains out of the ice water
and drain them or even pat them with a paper towel
till theyre dry.
Fry em up until they just turn golden. Throw them in
the freezer for 10 minutes.
Now, here is where you become a MAN: Get yourself
a flat bottom glass and a cutting board or a plate.
Throw some flour on there. Smash the plantains
with the cup. You may need a spatula to get them
off the board...
Fry em AGAIN until they are golden and crispy
Make all three of these things together and you have
an incredibly delicious and cheap meal!
Photos by Shipyaad
44
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Protip by ynnski
That is a *fuckton* of garlic. Not that I disapprove, but if youve got no conception of how much
garlic is enough, this is Too Much. :D
Variation by Jace11 and bambooshootz
Is it safe to assume that if i want pork fried rice, i can just substitute chicken for pork? Yes. And
change whatever you want. Always cook whimsically! It makes your food much better when you feel
it!
Variation by ingotanarchist
You can also substitute chicken with spam and have yourself a delicious Hawaiian delicacy :D

Variation by bambooshootz
I guess you could add a couple of diced carrots. And I think maybe fish sauce and lime juice is
more of a thai thing. But whatevs, its some tasty shit!
52
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Shepherds Pie
by [deleted], shortlink: a4eto
There are many recipes available, but even this very
simple one is delicious:
- 1.5lb ground beef (I used 93/7, 90/10 is good but
dont get 80/20 imo)
- 1.5 packets of instant gravy (the powder kind
where you mix in water to make it yourself)
- 1 bag of mixed veggies (I used peas/corn)
- 1 box of instant mashed potatoes (100% natural,
taste good, lasts like 3 of these pies)
Drop the beef in a pan, you dont need any butter
or oil, the fat melts and the beef cooks in it (this
is why you dont get 80/20, it becomes a soggy
mess). Once the beef is THOROUGHLY cooked
(beef carries lots of germs and crap, take your time
and cook for a while over low heat even if you think
its done, cooking over low heat wont dry it out like
high heat).
While youre waiting for that to finish, defrost the
peas/corn. I just put them in a bowl with warm
water, and put em through a colander when they
werent frozen anymore. Also make the mashed
potatoes.
Get a pan. I used something like a 13 by 8 and
it made pretty good pie. Spread the beef along the
bottom. Pour in gravy, spread it. My girlfriend and
I added a little bit of asiago cheese, expensive but
fucking good. Then put a layer of your peas/corn.
Then spread your mashed potatoes over the top,
and maybe sprinkle some cheese over them. Put it
in a 400 degree oven for like half an hour.
Its delicious. It lasts many meals... the above
makes at least six solid servings for about $15, and
some of these ingredients (like the box of mashed
potatoes) are reusable. But the BEST part is: - You
CANNOT fuck this up. Seriously.
You have other veggies? Throw them in. Chicken
instead of beef? Cook it up, throw it in. Chicken
gravy with ground turkey? No problem. Got a
different kind of cheese? Put it in. You can make
this stuff in any order, it doesnt matter. The recipe
is EXTREMELY flexible with adding different things,
modifying it, cooking things for different amount of
time, you seriously CANNOT fuck this up.
I hate cooking and cant cook worth a damn, but I
made delicious shepherds pies. Theyre incredible.
Dont eat them too many meals in a row or
shepherds pie loses its magic.
Potato Hobo Pack
by [deleted], shortlink: a4eto
Buy frozen, diced potatoes with chopped peppers
already included in the bag. Pour some of the
potatoes onto a piece of tin foil. Add half a stick of
butter, desired seasonings, and (this is important)
about half a cup of beer on top. Close up the tin foil
so it is a self-contained steamer.
Set oven to broil, cooking time varies with load,
but usually about 25 minutes. They taste fucking
outstanding, and since potatoes are very high on
the satiety index, they fill you up. Also, you can get
a bag of diced potatoes for like $2, and one bag will
make at least three meals.
Addition of vegetables and other stuff is optional - I
like to think thats what the beer is for, but thats just
me.
Drunken Tacos
by mdeckert, shortlink: 8mgtt
Cook some onions and garlic in oil a bit, add fatty
ground beef and lots of chopped hot peppers,
salt and pepper (plus chives and fresh herbs and
whatever other crap is in the garden that seems
reasonable). Fry it real hot.. toss in some 1/4
cubed potatoes and keep frying.
Make sure youre pretty drunk so you forget to turn
the fucker at some point and pretty much burn some
of the meat. Mix that shit in.. tastes awesome.
Yougurt with cucumbers, cheese, tomatoes, and
them other toppins are good. And deep fry them
god damn tortilas into greasy crispy shells. Yeah
bitch, yeah. Drunken tacos are the shiznit.
53
Snacks
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Agghh...ok. I don't know how to do the conversions. One stick [of butter] is eight tablespoons, or 1/2
a cup. There's one cup of butter in the recipe. Four sticks make a pound. Does that help? edit: This
recipe will not work with tub butter or low fat butter, because the consistency will be all wrong...it
has to be the kind wrapped in foil or paper.
I should have mentioned that the time depends on your oven. I've made these in half an hour in
some ovens, and more like 40-45 minutes in others. They do continue cooking when you take them
out of the oven...technically you're supposed to let them cool completely before you cut them, but
then what's the fun of putting ice cream on a cold brownie?
55
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Variation by bioguy741
I just made it, but I replaced the 2 tbsp of
cocoa with 1 tbsp cinnamon, and I used three
tbsp butter instead of the oil. SO fucking
good.
Variation
by andersonimes
Tip: This is a little chewy as-is. Substitute half
of the flour with wheat flour. Much softer and
more cakey. Plus... you know... more fiber?
Edit: whole wheat flour is what I meant.
Protip by blizzard30
3 minutes on 1000W, seems like. 3 minutes
and 40 secs for 800
56
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Variation by tsumnia
At least where Im from you want to get freshly fallen snow, not stuff scooped into a bowl (have a
bowl outside overnight). I do this every year and love it.
Correction by TheVulture
Yeah just realized I put the wrong picture on there for panel 3. Its still yummy though.
57
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59
Variation by beastmole
Put peanut m&ms in them.
60
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Words by GavinMcGimpsey
1. Finely crumble two cups of graham crackers, and mix with one cup of melted butter and one cup
of sugar.
2. Put the mixture into a glass baking dish and spread evenly across the bottom, all the way to the
edges. Pack down using the back of a measuring cup.
3. Place the baking dish in an oven heated to 350 F (175 C) and bake for fifteen minutes.
4. Beat four eggs until smooth.
5. Mix two cups sugar, a quarter cup flour, and a teaspoon baking powder. Stir mixture into eggs.
6. Stir in one half cup fresh squeezed lemon juice.
7. Pour the lemon batter into the baking dish, spreading evenly. Bake at 350 F (175 C) for half an
hour.
8. Not on the chart, but it's necessary: Using a shaker, sprinkle the top of the lemon bars with
powdered sugar until lightly coated.
Note: cooling isn't taken into account; I'd imagine you want to let the dish cool before adding the
sugar and cutting into bars.
66
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68
Protip by japaneseknotweed
Wow... be careful what you ask.
OK, three technical things -
1) not too much of the honey/walnuts. If anyone takes the picture literally, they'll end up with sludge,
which will ooze off of the cracker and onto your/her clothes. You won't care because you're a guy
and guys are pigs, but she's wearing something nice and will hate you and then you won't get laid.
2) mix the stuff in gently, otherwise the cohesiveness of the yogurt/cheese will break down and
you'll get sludge and see above.
3) you need some sort of 24 hour time-elapse between go away and come back (otherwise, that
bit's REALLY good). That stuff needs to drain for ages.
And then one social/emotional values commentary:
The feed-her-your-dick pic is a little blatant. Half of the attraction is what's left unsaid; the way
people imagine blowjobs is actually about 100 times less awkward/more graceful/more powerful
and visually compelling than the way we look when we're actually doing it.
I mean, oral sex in the mind is this sensuous sculpture of intertwined lips and limbs, right? While
oral sex IRL, either way, looks like an awkward partially-evolved quadruped with its pale butt in the
air trying to stuff some weird deep-sea creature in it's mouth, right?
Also, if any guy tried to "feed me his dick" w/out me offering to taste it first myself, I'd bite that
sucker off. Whereas, if a guy gave me a nice glass of wine and a cheese/cracker tray and told me
he'd made it just for me, I might just offer.
Finally, as an author, I liked the original two-tier structure: cheese gets you laid, organic ingredients
upgrade you to a blow job too. So I kinda miss that option. But most authors have issues with what
their editors/art departments do, so I guess I shouldn't complain.
Oh, and PS: you get MAJOR points for having cheesecloth in the house. Hell, I didn't even BOTHER
with that first time around, figured no one on /r/ would know.
69
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go and make some fucking food
you lazy asshole
The End