THE CHEAT

BOOK ONE
by
Eve Rabi



Published by EVE RABI at Smashwords

Copyright 2012 by Eve Rabi

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Contents

July 1998

Present Day

July 1998
I was told by friends that if you cheat on your wife, the appropriate guilt-appeasing flowers are
roses. A dozen, long-stemmed.
I stood at the airport with roses two dozen.
In twenty-five words or less: I was on business trip, she was available, I was shit-faced, she
was stacked, I was flattered, she was relentless in her pursuit andnow this is a big AND we
were in Vegas.
Been married for six years and my wife was always tired. Could only manage sex once a week.
Just thinking about that made me bitter and I guess I felt conjugally deprived.
How many words so far? Oh well, who the fuck cares?
Moving on my wife was picking me up from the airport and bringing along my two beautiful
little girls. I was, as can be expected, nervous and anxious and more worried about the guilt showing
on my face, than about breaking my marriage vows.
Now, before you go all harsh and judgmental on me and call me a prick, Ill tell you this much
I am an arrogant prick.
I dont try to be, Im just wired that way.
Now that you know my ABC, lets move on, shall we?
Okay, I love my wife, I really do. I only cheated on her because of opportunity. I read
somewhere that most men cheat, not because they want to, but because of opportunity that lands on
their lap. And last night, opportunity was a sexy, long-haired, blonde called Sinead, who was just
about every guys fantasy and being the human that I was, I guess I erred succumbed to temptation.
Did I regret it? Let me think. Honestly? Nope.
Hey, I did say honestly. Why didnt I regret it? I dont know. Perhaps, it was because I liked
it far too much to be bothered by my conscience, or the lack of it thereof? Told you I was arrogant
bastard.
Armed with my guilt-appeasing roses, I waited for Angelina, my wife, (whom I call Angel) and
my two daughters. Whenever I return from business trips, I usually catch a cab back home, but today, I
was feeling guilty mainly because, I was guilty; so for the first time since I had kids, I accepted
Angels offer to pick me up from the airport.
As I waited at the pick-up zone, my mind drifted back to Sinead, my unrestrained, unreserved,
uninhibited and lusty partner in crime last night.
Wow!
Although I showered before she and I parted company this morning, I could still smell her
perfume and it added to my uneasiness. I clutched the roses tighter and willed myself to regret my
actions.
Problem was, the memories of my weekend of sin werent bad. In fact, some of them were
darned good. Okay, amazing. So amazing, that they were responsible for the contented smile across
my face, which I now struggled to conceal.
Sinead was extremely flexible, amazingly agile and particularly nimble in the sack and I cant
help but think that she would be artistic with a hula hoop, if you know what I mean.
When I first spotted her, I thought she was hot, like all the guys around me thought, Im sure.
Small waist, big ass, big tits, child-bearing lipswhat more could a guy ask for? Did I mention that I
was human? At first, I must admit, I was just flattered when she paid me any attention. Flattered
because, there were so many good looking, young guys at the club, yet Sinead, who was by far the
hottest chick at the club, had me in her cross-hairs. Me, a thirty-five-year-old, overworked attorney,
with a receding hairline, slight pot belly, a wife who couldnt care if she never had sex again for the
rest of her life and two kids under the age of four?
Hell, not only was I astonished, but I was even grateful that a woman would find me interesting
at this stage in my life and pursue me.
Still, when she came onto me, I somehow managed to keep it together and resisted her the first
night. Like the gentleman that I was, (I may be an arrogant prick but Im a true gentleman.) I even
walked her to her hotel room.
Okay, so I enjoyed her tongue in my mouth when I said goodnight. But I have to tell you, it was
hard. Especially, since we were booked in at the same hotel. I kept thinking about her probing tongue,
the thrust of her double-Ds against my chest, the way her hips locked with mineif I wasnt so
plastered, Im sure I would have been up all night just thinking about it.
The next day, we bumped into her and her friend, and when I introduced her to my work
colleagues, one of my bosses immediately invited her and her equally attractive and uninhibited
friend to party with us.
After a hard day of excessive boozing, we hit the club again for some serious partying and
drinking. We were celebrating our win, the coveted Blakeley and Thompson account, worth more
than ten million dollars and I, Gabriel Sloan, was the one responsible for that coup. Tonight, I was the
star quarterback and I reveled in it, accepting all the congratulatory back slaps and high fives that
came my way. An ego rush of gigantic proportion, and I loved it.
Sinead never left my side, never asked awkward questions, (like whether I was married) and by
the end of the evening, made it clear she was going to fuck me that night, either in or out of my bed. I
smiled and tried to tell myself that it wasnt going to happen but, and thats a big BUT; I waited all
evening in anticipation. When exactly was it going to take place and dare I hope it would be out of
my bed?
She didnt actually say when and that was a good thing, cause knowing me, I was the type to
chicken out. As cocky as I was, I was a bit slow when it came to women. Never had a problem
getting them, but I prefer to choose, chase and nail. In that order.
In the past, when women chased me, I, more often than not, ran.
Oh, Sinead hinted, implied and touched her way through things. Her stroking and kneading under
the table and her firm, bare thigh glued to mine left me a massive hard-on. Her body was warm and
wanton and her breath around my earlobe drove me wild. That, coupled with the rush of winning the
account and the booze gave me an all-time high.
Dont misunderstand me; she wasnt skanky or over the top or like some of bunnies you find at
Hefs. In fact, she was sweet and playful and kittenish and not in the least bit bothered by my wedding
ring, which I kept on all the time, I must add. When she suggested we refrain from disclosing personal
details about ourselves to each other, it served only to heighten the sexual thrill and I found myself
grinning like the jackass I was and nodding vigorously, like one of those toy dogs you find on the back
of cars that nod constantly with the motion of the car.
Just call me Sin, she said prettily. Short for Sinead.
Just call me drunk, I evened, Short for very drunk.
She laughed. I liked that about her. She laughed all the time.
My wife Angel liked to fuck in the dark or with the lights turned down really low, mainly
because I think she had body issues. Boring! Not Sinead, she wanted the lights on when she slowly
peeled off her clothes and when she skillfully stroked my erection and made a Popsicle out of me.
There was so much of tension in my sexual vault after two days of innuendoes that I exploded within
three minutes but. I was back for an encore, I tell you. Was I proud I could deliver!
And she knew her stuff too. Are you game for Amyl Nitrate? she whispered, at the height of
pleasure.
Sure, I huffed. Bring her in. The more the merrier. (Hey, I had been married for six years
how was I supposed to know about Amy Nitrate and stuff. I mean Amyl.)
She furrowed her pretty brow at me, then smiled at my ignorance and gave me a whiff of it in a
tiny vial she got from God knows where. Now, dont you try this at home folks, 'cause its not good
for your heart, but it took the word orgasm to a new level and she made me scream.
Something Ive never done. I screamed like a girl.
As for me pleasing her; I wish I wasnt so drunk, then maybe I could have really reciprocated,
but I did my fair share of ramming at the end, which she seemed to like, cause she moaned so loudly,
I worried the entire hotel would think it was some kind of low-keyed fire-drill, even though it really
turned me on. Not the soft delicate sighs that Angel lets out when I went down on her, but loud,
expressive, out of control cries of unabashed pleasure. A gigantic ego rush for a drunken executive.
Actually three times! Yeah, even I was surprised, 'cause, as much as it pains me to admit it, Im no
stud. Not anymore.
***
Parting was brief and hurried, cause both of us had flights to catch. I was tired from lack of
sleep, really hung over and in desperate need of some greasy airport food but, there was no time if I
wanted to catch my flight.
As I boarded the plane, I thought of Angel for the first time since I was with Sin and felt a little
guilty. Thats when I dialed her number and talked to her for a while.
Angel was late picking me up, so I hung around and people-watched. Then, across the road, I
spotted Angel and the other two loves of my life; my two beautiful daughters,
two-year-old Sydney and four-year-old Indiana. I smiled and braced myself for the avalanche of
hugs and kisses that usually came my way. I was looking forward to holding Angel again and kissing
her and making up for all the shit I did last night. As I watched her approach, I realized just how much
I loved her. Cheating had nothing to do with my love for her. Anyway, she was never going to find out
soI would just drop it and never think about it again.
Suddenly, I looked to the side and there was Sin, with girlfriend. No wonder I could still smell
her perfume, she was just a few feet away from me!
Heeeey! she said, smiling prettily and looking as hot as ever in a tight blue, corset-type top
and faded jeans that made her ass talk and made me wonder if I could have gone four rounds instead
of three.
Hey, I mouthed, glancing at Angel, then back at Sin. What youre doing here?
She jerked her lovely head towards the taxis. Catching a cab.
I nodded.
She followed my eyes to Angel and my kids. Your family?
I nodded sheepishly, suddenly wishing that Angel had dressed a little sexier. She wore a pink
cardigan, a light pink top, casual jeans, black pumps and her hair was in a ponytail. Next to Sin,
Angel looked frumpy, like a mother of two kids, and frankly, I was a little embarrassed.
Nice, she said lightly. Well, heres my ride. Tata!
I breathe a sigh of relief that she wasnt going to clash with Angel.
Take care, I said.
Hope she likes the roses, she flung over her shoulder as she and her girlfriend got into the cab
and rattled off an address to the driver. I watched her fasten her seat belt as she talked to her friend.
Then, to my surprise, she looked up at me and motioned me over. I nervously glanced at Angel who
was fast approaching, then at Sin, panic enveloping me.
But Sin flexed her index finger at me and I felt somewhat obliged to go to her so I hurried over to
the cab window.
What is it? I whispered, feeling my pants getting tighter around my crotch.
She put her painted lips really close to my ear. I was so sure she was going to lick it. You might
want to get yourself checked out, she whispered.
I looked at her in confusion. Wha ?
IIm HIV positive.
Wha?
Sorry, I didnt mean for things to turn out this way, she said in a sincere voice. It just
happened. I should have told you, but I guess I got carried away. Im sor
Youre fucking with me, right? I demanded hoarsely, hoping to God she would smile and tell
me to look at the hidden camera 'cause I was being punked.
She shook her head from side-to-side and I thought this is what it feels like to fall from the top
of The Empire State Building.
HHIV? I stammered my mouth, suddenly dry as the Sahara. Thats not AIDS, right? Shit! I
didnt know much about the virus. Im a corporate attorney for Christ sakes!
With a grim look, she tugged at her hair and to my absolute horror, her entire hair moved to
reveal total baldness. She was wearing a wig. Before I could stop myself, I recoiled in revulsion and
disgust.
For a moment, hurt registered in her eyes. Then she rolled up her window and the cab driver
drove off.
I should have run after her and demanded she tell more, but I just stood frozen as the car
disappeared from sight.
Daddy! Daddy! The sound of my daughters voices forced me out of my catatonic state.
Forcing myself to smile mechanically, I accepted all their hugs. This distraction afforded me the
opportunity to somewhat regain my composure.
Angel walked up to me and hugged me. Theyre beautiful! she cried as she took the roses from
me. When she tried to kiss me, I jerked my head so that her kiss landed somewhere between my ear
and lips. I didnt want to kiss my darling wife if I had a virus.
What wrong, Gabe? she asked, her hazel eyes darting all over my face.
I shook my head and waved dismissively.
You look pale, honey. Her frown deepened. You okay?
Am I okay? What a question.
I scanned my brain to find something to say. II think I picked up on of thoseum The
shock of everything was too much. My brain froze and I just went blank and looked dumbly at my
wife. This was most unusual behavior on my part and Angel was now worried.
She reached up and touched my forehead. You have a temperature.
I looked at her in horror. So quickly? Could the virus be attacking me already? Fuck!
It was enough to freak me out. I do feel really ill, Angel, I murmured and absentmindedly
wiped my forehead.
Poor baby, Angel said gently as she took my hand in hers. I immediately shrugged off her hand.
There was no way I wanted to contaminate my beautiful and innocent Angel, love of my life and
mother of my children by holding her hand.
Startled at my behavior, she stared at me.
Better not touch, I said quickly. I dont want to give whatever I got to you, baby.
She nodded understandingly. Did I really say she looked frumpy and plain? I was so wrong. She
looked lovely and caring and concerned and like my wife.
Probably the water, she mused. Kids, give daddy some space. Hes not well today.
My girls looked at me, disappointment in their eyes.
No! I said quickly, when I see their crestfallen faces. I could take care of things later. At
least, let me get my hug, huh?
We already gave you hugs daddy, Indiana said.
We aldeddy dave you huds, Sydney echoed.
Naha! I said, crouching again. I didnt feel anything. If I dont get a huge hug by the time I
count to sayone; Im gonna cry like a baby. One
Being the darlings that they were, they melted into me and hugged me for dear life, then took
turns to look at my eyes to look for signs of tears. I loved them so much.
Angel looked down at us and smiled.
I stood up and hugged her again. Its good to be back, sweetie, I said and kissed her hair. I
love you.
I missed you, Gabe, she said as she rested her head on my chest.
The ride home was a boxed hell and I was struggling to wrap my brain around things, which I
desperately needed to do right now. Angel talked non-stop about - I dont know I paid no attention
to what she was saying.
Finally, I closed my eyes and lay back on my seat and she stopped, zipped up.
Im sorry, Angel, I murmured from time-to-time, meaning it.
Unused to seeing me like this, she tried to get me to a doctor, but I refused. All I wanted to do
was get out of the car and for a while, go somewhere where I could be alone with my tumultuous
thoughts.
My mind drifted back to my fatal rendezvous with Sinead. How could I have missed the wig?
Why didnt I look before I leapt? Now everything about last night, took on a sinister undertone. Did
she really fancy me or was I just easy meat? Easy meat Im sure. Easy and dumb meat for that matter.
Was it intentional? Of course! Was she lying? Without a doubt. I could sue the bitch for millions, I
reckoned. Yeah, I could. If she had millions.
But why didnt she have any of those lesions on her skin, like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia?
Maybe its because, being the dumbass I was, I was too busy looking at her tits and ass and didnt
look at other less important body parts.
Did we use a condom? I recall using them. But I also recall that with all the agility, it did slip
out once. Fuck! Sweat dripped down the back of my shirt. How the hell do I tell Angel I cheated on
her? How do I tell my wife that I cheated on her and got a deadly virus in the process? Would she
believe it was my first time I ever cheated? I hung my head in despair. Gabriel Sloan, what the fuck
have you done this time?
Charlie! God, I need to talk to Charlie. Hes my older brother and someone I could talk to.
Someone I could trust. Charlie was not as educated as I was, but he always had the answer. My
parents died when we were young and Charlie became both mother and father to me, putting me
through law school by holding down three jobs. I owe him everything. Hes going to be so
disappointed to learn I am dying. Damn, that hurt so much.
The moment we arrived home, I mumbled something about a shower and escaped to the
bathroom where I could be alone with my thoughts and even manage a call to Charlie.
I stripped, turned on the taps but didnt enter the shower. Instead, I called Charlie. He answered
on the first ring and I came straight to the point. I need to talk to you, Charlie.
Maybe it was something in my voice, but he immediately agreed, sounding concerned.
I didnt want to have to tell Angel I was leaving the house; I had just returned from a business
trip and needed to spend time with my family, so we arranged for Charlie to call and ask for me to
come over to help out with a problem.
Half an hour later, he called and talked to Angel.
Gabe! Angel shouted. Charlie wants to know if you can come over. Says he needs your help.
Not today, I shouted back. Tell him I just got home and I want to spend time with you guys.
Angel walked over, stood in the doorway and looked at me, a worried look on her lovely face.
What? I asked.
Gabe, I think Charlie might need you.
But I just got home, Angel. I need to spend time with you guys.
After staring at me for a few moments, she said, Go Gabe. He wouldnt call if he didnt need
you.
With an exaggerated sigh, I poured myself a drink, took two aspirins, got dressed and left my
house.
***
Charlie, my brother and my anchor, was simply excellent at saying, I told you so. But, I could
be honest with him and I wanted to be, so I braced myself for the long lecture coming my way. He
was waiting at a Trevors, a local pub, drumming his fingers anxiously on the table and craning his
neck around for me. Luckily, he had chosen a secluded booth which afforded us some privacy.
The moment I saw him, I got all choked up. Everybody has a safe place to fall; Charlie was
mine. We looked a lot alike but he was a head taller, with long dark hair he wore in a ponytail. He
was pretty buff because he worked out every day. He never wore suits like I did and he usually wore
jeans and a T-shirt with something funny written on it. He fixed and built motorbikes for a living.
We hugged then sat down. He scanned my face for clues as to why I needed to talk to him.
What the fuck you did this time?
Mechanically, I ordered us drinks, then blurted out the whole damn story.
There was this silence around me you know the kind you experience in a courtroom as you
wait for the jury to say, Guilty or Not guilty before hell breaks loose? That kind.
Charlie being Charlie, exploded first; then got worried, then went into damage control.
Explosion: What the fucks wrong with you, you stupid cunt? You have everything you want,
everything you wanted and worked for, and you throw it away for somecasual roll in the fucking
hay with some drug addict? Huh?
Then the worried bit: Sohow you feeling? Exactly how high is your temperature? We should
go to a doctor and just ask him to check you out, take a blood test or something. Its the only way to
really tell, isnt it? Is that why youre losing your hair? Fuck! I cant believe youd do this to yourself
Gabe. You need to grow up.
Finally the damage control: We have to find a way to tell Angel, Gabe. We cant afford to take
chances with her. Shell get infected.
I nodded.
Okay, heres what well do - well Google it, then handle it. He touched my shoulder
reassuringly. It will be okay if we act right away. I think. He sat back and fell silent for a few
moments.
I glanced at his worried face and I felt terrible for putting him through this. But in spite of all
this, I was surprised he didnt say, I told you so.
Then he got up and hurried to his truck. He returned with his laptop. Together we researched
HIV, AIDS and all the symptoms. Well, he did and I just sat there, drank up and grunted answers to
his questions. I couldnt bear to read about it, hear about it or even think about it. Denial. That, and
the fact that I just wasnt ready to face it or deal with it.
Shit! You already have the gastric problems, he exclaimed.
No! I dont really have a stomach problem, Charlie. I just said that to Angel to sorta you
know
You dont? Oh well, yeah, okay then. Back to researching the virus.
The waitress appeared and Charlie slammed the laptop shut almost dropping the laptop in the
process.
The waitress jumped and threw us both a funny look. Probably assumed we were pedophiles
pouring over porn or something. I gave her our order and waited for her to leave before I spoke again.
Its probably too early for symptoms, I said.
Yeah, could be.
But I do have a temperature, I mumbled to myself and the worried looked reappeared on
Charlies face. I spun around to face him. Look Charlie, this is bullshit - I dont have the fucking
virus! I know that for a fact.
Yeah? Charlies hopeful eyes scanned my face.
Yeah! My tone was adamant.
Well then, thats great, Charlie said and shut the laptop. Youd know if you did, right?
Yeah!
Alright then. He ordered another round, chatted about the weather (which he never did) and
some other shit while I zoned out.
Then he looked directly at me. Youre in denial, right?
I nodded grimly and we both fell silent. When we finally left the bar and walked outside, Charlie
hugged me for a long time and when he released me, I saw something Id never seen in his eyes for
about twenty years - tears. I hugged him again and slapped him on the back, reassuring him that
everything was going to be okay, feeling shit about what I was putting him through.
He slapped my harder on my back and said, Okay.
See you, I said and walked away before he mentioned the I-told-you-so bit.
I warned you something like this would happen, he shouted at me and I smiled. There it was!
Heavily disguised, but there it was the, I told you so.
Charlie - the fucker never disappoints.
***
Over the next couple of days, Charlie hounded me about taking the test.
When are you taking the test?
Tomorrow.
Okay. He hung up.
Then he called the following day. When are you taking the test?
Tomorrow.
Gabriel, take the goddamn test, will you?
Yeah, okay, I will, Charlie.
Tomorrow never came, so he called again.
Did you take the test?
I eh, well
TAKE THE FUCKING TEST! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Jeez Charlie, gimmee a break will you?
He also badgered me into increasing my life insurance policy before I took the test, but I was
worried they would do a blood test and discover it themselves. But, I was already insured for more
than a million dollars so that wasnt a real concern of mine.
My real concern- telling Angel. I was terrified she would leave me. I loved her so much and the
thought of her not being in my life drove me crazy.
Sin or Sinead - I needed to locate that bitch and beat the crap out of her. Charlie said that I
should expect a letter in the post from her, shaking me down for a million dollars.
Does she know youre an attorney?
Dont think so?
Does she know you have a triple-storey, split-level house on ?
Nah. Didnt talk about all that.
Mm.
What if he was right? What if she knew I that was financially well off and she wanted to shake
me down? Maybe if I refused, she would threaten to tell Angel and the people at work. The thought of
that made me break into a sweat. Sure, I can call the FBI and arrest her for blackmail and shit, but Id
lose my job for sure, something I didnt want to happen. As for Angel, I didnt want to even think
about losing her.
When Sinead first asked me to call her Sin, it was thrilling and exciting and just thinking about
her name gave me a hard-on. Now, Sin was nothing short of sinister and I refused to even utter that
word or name. Sinead - I would only refer to her as that. The bitch set me up and needed to pay. I said
this to Charlie and he said that she already was.
He was also changing his story. Now he didnt believe they were going to roll me for my dough.
Misery loves company. Thats why she did it, Gabe.
Of all the guys in the room that night, she chose me. My ego was inflated then, but now, I felt like
the biggest fool she chose me cause she really hated me and wanted to see me dead. I was such a
pathetic loser for thinking otherwise.
I avoided any physical contact with Angel over the next few days, for fear I may kiss her or she
may think its okay to jump me in bed (which she only did once, after watching 9and weeks. I
immediately bought her the DVD and had it delivered via express post) while I was sleeping.
In my briefest of research of the virus with Charlie, we discovered that you can get the HIV virus
by kissing, simply because you may have an open lesion in your mouth. I wasnt going to take any
chances. I refused to kiss my wife on the mouth. How I missed that!
I also missed having sex with my wife. Yeah, I know I bitched about it being boring and once a
week but hey, things had changed now and I would have given anything to hold her soft and naked
body in my arms and explore her warm and inviting mouth.
How could I have fucked up so badly? Maybe everybody was right I needed to grow up.
***
I was on top of my game at work, and Markhams and Associates, (an exclusive law firm in Los
Angeles) acknowledged that by bestowing me with a handsome paycheck at the end of every month
and by giving me the best office in the building. I was a senior associate and any day now, I was
going to make partner.
My secretary was an efficient twenty-something called Stacy, whom I could always count on.
We had a great relationship and she made me promise that if I ever left Markhams I would take her
with.
I was a mover and a shaker and was held in high esteem by my peers and society in general.
So far, I had exceeded my targets - my personal goals, my professional goals and my dreams, but
I kept going, aiming for the stars - bigger bonuses, bigger shares in Markhams, more money.
I could only imagine what would happen if the guys at Markhams discovered I was HIV
positive. I would be bounced out of the company in no time, I was sure of that. Hell, lets face it; if a
colleague of mine was HIV positive, chances were I would have been somewhat sympathetic, but
deep down, Markhams decision to let him go; would have gotten my tacit support.
I was ashamed that I could be that way, but Im sure a lot of ignorant people like me would share
my sentiment. It was the way things worked in life. Well, before Sinead, that is. I was looking at
things really differently now.
Sure, I could file a multi-million dollar lawsuit against them for actually contracting the virus
while on a work-related getaway a workers compensation sort of claim, but what a legacy to leave
behind, especially for my kids.
Even though my mind was like Grand Central Station, I dragged my ass to the office and went
through the motions. Concentrating was almost impossible and I found myself calling Angel twice in
the morning just to chat, confusing her. When I was not taking to Angel, I was staring into space.
Stacy struggled to get me to work. When I wasnt taking her calls and made her repeat
everything, she finally stormed into my office, shut the door and looked at me with her hands on her
hips. Gabriel, you need to take a pill ...see a doctordo something.
Sure, sure, sure! I said and tried to get some shit down. But after an hour, I threw down my
pen, grabbed my jacket and keys and told her I was going to lunch.
I drove over to Charlies for some lunch and a chat. Charlie ran a small but lucrative motorbike
business out of his garage. He not only repaired bikes, he also pimped them souped them up for
biker enthusiasts who wanted more than the average ride, and he made a decent living out of it. Main
thing was he loved what he was doing. I envied that about him.
He was only five years older than me, but he always acted like he was twenty years older,
regaling me with stories of when he was young and how things had changed. I did what I always did
during the lecture. Id roll my eyes and zone out.
He chatted as he worked and, having a penchant for motorbikes myself, I found myself helping
him a little and getting grease on my thousand-dollar Armani suit. Angel would be pissed at me for
that, I was sure.
I got so engrossed in the bikes that I lost track of time and stayed longer than I had planned.
When I got back to work, everyone was frantic with worry. Stacy had been trying to call me for
hours, but couldnt reach me because Id left my cell phone at the office.
I was getting forgetful recently, I thought, feeling a mild panic.
Turns out I had an appointment with Blakely Thompson that I clean forgot about, even though
Stacy reminded me earlier on. Needless to say, they were pissed and talked about taking their
business elsewhere. I called and apologized to the client, but frankly, I didnt give a crap; I had other
things on my mind - I may be dying for Christ sakes!
The next day, unable to tolerate the thought of listening to spoilt and demanding clients and their
stupid, petty troubles, I just called in sick, pissing off everyone at work even further. I lay around the
house feeling numb and miserable and basically slept the day away.
I kept willing myself to get up and take the dreaded test, but I couldnt do it. Guess I was scared.
I wasnt ready to know.
***
I woke up angry. Angry at my situation, angry at Sin; NO, NOT SIN, ITS SINEAD!
I was furious with Sinead and I still wanted to kill her. Shrewd, conniving, manipulative,
calculating
Then I was mad with Markham and Associates for placing me at the scene of the crime. Didnt
they ply me with alcohol, got me to lower my guard and make me vulnerable to a man-hating bitch? It
was their fault.
Most of all, I was suddenly furious with Angel It was all her fault! She had failed in her duties
as a wife by not being sexy enough, erotic enough and letting herself go and putting me last on her list
andwhatever!
Because of her negligence, I had no choice I was forced to look outside my marriage. If she
had taken the time to dress better and be more alluring and sexy and kittenish and attentive and gave
better blow jobs, then perhaps I would not have strayed.
Yep. It was Sineads, Markhams and Angels fault. I wasnt at fault - I was goddamn victim
here.
Thats what I told myself. I was cruising for a bruising and I seriously considered engaging in a
bar room brawl, something I hadnt done in more than eight years. I pictured it Id walk into a bar,
single out a big dude, catch his eye and say, You looking at me?
Yeah, so what?
I would walk over to the motherfucker and take a swing at him - punch him in his fugly, tattooed
mug. Boom! Lights out.
Then his homies would come flying over and Id slam my fists into them and one by one they
would go down like skittles. Then Id stand back, flex my bruised fingers and nod at my success.
When I finally staggered out of the bar, Id be somewhat de-stressed.
But I didnt brawl. Instead, I acted out by being short, impatient and snappy with Angel,
confusing her. She was even more alarmed when I skipped work, something I rarely did. Convinced
that I was seriously ill, she tried hard to be patient with me and talked about me seeing a shrink. But
the more patient and understanding she was, the nastier I was towards her. I wanted to hurt her, I
wanted to make her sad, I wanted to rattle her cage and make her feel insecure. But once or twice she
became tearful and I backed off immediately, hating myself for treating her like that. I loved her and
didnt want to see her cry. I wanted to cry, but I didnt. The last time I cried was when my mom died.
I was just five. Ive never cried since. I was a man, big, strong and virile and highly capable.
I would booze my sadness away like most men do. I wouldnt cry. Not me. Not Gabriel Sloan,
the arrogant prick.
Feeling bad about hurting Angel, I focused my rage on Sinead. The bitch! The whore! The slut!
All her sexy bedroom antics now took on a cheap, sleazy undertone. Fucking prostitute! All her dirty
talk was no longer a turn-on; it was sordid, filthy and cheap and I suddenly felt like I needed a shower
to get rid her sordid flotsam.
She must be laughing her ass off now, I thought. Bitch.
I decided I would torture her before I killed her. Yeah, make her look into my gray eyes as her
miserable life ebbed away. Make her last thoughts one of regret for FUCKING with me! I thought
about my 9mm in my safe. Maybe I would blow her brains out and get away with it, because of the
following; I was an attorney and I knew the law, I would most definitely have an airtight alibi, and I
would ensure I had tons of bleach to clean up the crime scene. Maybe Ill dismember her corpse in
the bathtub and toss out body parts as I drove along the desert like Ive seen on CSI. Easy peasy.
(Made a mental note to myself buy chainsaw, bleach and bullets. Oh and a silencer. Or even a
potato.)
And what if I got caught anyway? I wasnt afraid to die. I would take it like a man and totter
along slowly in my leg chains to the gas chamber with my head held high and state in a controlled
voice, that I had absolutely no regrets about killing Sinead as she deserved to die for destroying my
life and robbing me of my family, but that I was sorry for hurting my wife and children.
I was sorry for hurting my wife and children.
And Charlie.
And Debbie.
Yeah, thats it. Fuck everybody else.
After a while, I began to think about dying. Where would I go when I died? Is there really a
place called Hell? Forget heaven not a chance of me making it there. No way. Not with all the shit
Ive done in the line of duty.
Back to my soul where do I stand with God? Would he take care of my girls and Angel?
As I thought about things, I realized, I didnt want to die; I was scared shitless in case I went to
hell and I was going mental.
***
Id seen this monastery-type church every day as I drove to and from my house. Never in a
gazillion years did I plan to enter it, and yet, here I was. Rather than take an AIDS test, I was
attending mass all by myself. Why? The fuck I knew.
Mass was a new, awkward, believe it or not scary experience and I couldnt take it for long. I
left after just ten minutes, almost running out of there. Who was I kidding? God was not on my side; he
was punishing me. He always did. Took away my parents when I was just five and Charlie was just
ten and for years, we were two lost kids trying to survive in an adult world. He forced Charlie to
grow up quickly and made him too humble.
He then went on to make me angry and greedy and further crippled me by cursing me with low
self-esteem. Why would he help me now, huh?
Surreptitiously lighting a cigarette, I stood in the parking lot outside the church and eyed it
scornfully. Then I leaned over the bonnet of my car and stared-absentmindedly at nothing. I did that
a lot these days just stared into space.
You lost or you just casing the joint to rob the donation box of the thirty dollars thats in it? I
spun around and looked into the face of a nun.
Ieh, Quickly, I looked around for a place I could kill the cigarette and could find no place
other than the floor. Under her watchful eyes, I couldnt throw it on the floor so I just held it behind
my back. No, Sister, I muttered gloomily and patted my pocket for my car keys, ready to make a run
for it.
Funny, considering you look like shit!
My neck jerked to look at her. Did I hear correctly? I took notice of her now. She was a nun all
right full habit, but without the piety of a nun. I had never seen a
Real-life nun before, let alone a short, African-American one with major attitude.
II
II.... she mimicked. Speak up, white boy! How old are you? Nine?
Ehno, I said quickly, trying not to stammer again. Thirty-five, Maam. Thats what you
call them, right?
You trying to hot-wire that car?
What?! I cried indignantly. Nun or no nun, she had some nerve! You have some nerve!
Maam. First you accuse me of plotting to steal from the donation box, thirty dollars or something like
that, then you you you mock me because I stammered? Now you accuse me of hot-wiring a car?
Thats no way to recruit sinners eh, peeeople.
I did all that? Lemme think. She held her chin and looked at the skies. Then she pointed at me
with her index finger and said, Thats sound bout correct.
Well Im offended, I have to tell you.
She gives me a So-what? shrug.
Is she for real, I wondered? Did she know who she was dealing with here? I am seriously
thinking about lodging a complaint against you. A written complaint, I might add. I scanned her habit
for a - I dont know a name badge?
You can write? Oh boy, am I impressed.
This nun was unbelievable.
Close your mouth or a fly might go in, white boy.
I quickly shut my mouth. Kindly refrain from referring to me as white boy Maam, eh, Sister.
She rolled her eyes.
Ah, I finally get it- youre on your way to a costume party! And youre going as a nun.
I laughed mirthlessly. Cause there aint noooo way, youre a bona fide nun.
Yeah, okay, sure, whatever, she said in a dismissive voice. You wanna come to this costume
party? She jerked her head towards the inside of the church.
Suddenly, I was curious. Sure, why not?
Silently, I complied, feeling like I was on my way to the school Principals office. We entered a
room in the corner of the church and to my surprise, she locked the door. Damn, shes going to call the
cops on me, I thought. Tell them that she caught me trying to hot-wire a pastors car. Shit!
But she lit up some incense that she removed from somewhere in her habit and began waving it
around.
Relax Gabe, shes just a little kooky, I said to myself. Besides, theres no phone around.
Incense, I suspected, that was imbued with calming essences to relax me and get me off guard,
then finally lure me into revealing my inner most secrets and thereby keeping her employed.
So, like, whats that for? I asked, feeling the need to fill the silence.
Blaaack magiiiic, she said, faking an eerie voice.
Yeah right. Does that like get me to relax and loosen up and like ensnare me into revealing all
my deepest, darkest secrets? I chuckled, haling deeply and waiting for the calmness that was sure to
follow.
Nah, it dont, she said crisply, But this does.
My eyes bulged when I saw her remove a joint from her habit and light it. That explained the
need for the incense. A joint! HOLY COW!
Lets take stock: a nun, a short, racist one at that, has major attitude and smokes weed? In the
church and shes offering it me?
What a fucked up dream I was having. Or maybe not. It was hard to tell.
Great camouflage, she said, inhaling deeply and holding out the joint to me.
Im trying really hard to give up, I said righteously as I accepted it. Once again, I looked
around for cameras. Anyway, it was years since I smoked a joint and I inhaled deeply and relished
the surge of calm coursing through me.
So, why you why tripping, white boy? she asked.
I smiled and looked lazily at her, my eyelids heavy, my senses languid. I aint tripping Sister
Blister. Everythings grooooovy now. But, I might be HIV positive though.
She peered at me and we both burst out laughing.
That so? I wouldntI wouldntI wouldnt have figured you out for a fag, man. She laughed
hard and so did I.
Fag? That is totally, I stopped laughing to wipe away a tear, totally, like totally, so
fucking.fucked up, Sister Black.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You keep that one then, cos I got me another one here. I aint in no mood to
get all viiiraled up.
Viral I shook my head and laughed some more. I aint gay SisterBlack. I got a wife
andand chchildkiiids.
Dude, thats what they all say! she shrieked, holding her sides. The closet cant be thaaaat
comfortable?
Ive never been in a clo...set sister, exceptexcept to have sex with my bosss wife ten years
ago.
She laughed some more, then used a part of her habit to dry her eyes. We sat in silence and smile
at each other then at nothing.
What shall I do, Sister Blister?
Ask me, I am Moses, she said smartly and we cracked up again.
Moses, I mused. Hey Sister, you reckon the burning bushMosesyou knowwas that just
a whole lot of weed burning? Like sayone giant joint?
Well, she said, appearing to give it some thought, there was talk of writing on stone back
then. Or was it stoned? We hooted with laughter again.
When the urge to crack up died, I stopped laughing and told her everything. Every goddamn
thing.
Now you know my ABC I said, threatening to crack up again.
She looked at me and suppressed a laugh. So wait, wait, wait! Lemmee get this You thought
that the skank, whatshername ? You thought she pursuuuued you cos she liked you?
I nodded and we howled with laughter.
Dude, girls like her, they dont know you so they aint liking you. But they know your money.
They met your money before and they like the color of your money and thaats what they like. If they
could help it; they would put your ass in the bank and sleep with your money; you know that?
I think youre a bitch, Sister Black.
And I think youre a racist dying of AIDS. Your ancestors from da Klan by the way?
Nah! I just hate everybody equally, I pointed out, then sat up straight, an idea passing though
my numb skull. Got any booze?
She shook her head apologetically.
I nodded grimly. I think Ill lose my wife, I said in a matter-of-fact voice.
I think so too, she deadpanned. Shed be a fool not to leave your ass. And that Skanknead
she really is a hoe! You sure she wasnt a dude?
In spite of my compromised mental state, I did not appreciate that comment. Youre really mean
for a nun, you know datthat?
Guessiam, she admitted. But now, I got people to bless. But come back again and I will
comfort you, okay?
Comfort me? Like hell you did, I muttered and staggered out, my eyes bloodshot, my mouth
dry and my fingers reeking of cannabis. I went home and for the first time since Sinead, really ate.
Devoured everything cheese, bread, cold meats, left over chicken everything in the refrigerator
and then slept.
***
When I awoke, I thought about the weed and the weird nun. Okay, I had tripped, hallucinated
man, I was really losing it. Nothing like that could ever happen. The virus was attacking my brain
already.
Then, I put my fingers to my nose. Smelled of weed! What the hell?
Nah. I finally dismissed the whole incident as a weird, psychedelic dream and returned once
more to my agitated and disconcerted state.
Now my head hurt and I felt weak all the time. I was losing weight, as my diet was mainly
liquid. Alcohol, that is. And I was smoking a pack a day. I laughed when Angel saw me smoking and
commented that cigarettes would kill me. The good thing about smoking is that it took me out of the
house throughout the day and night and afforded me some me time on my patio, where I used to just sit
and mull over the same things over and over and over again.
I found myself checking the mail twice a day for a blackmail letter. None arrived.
Out of sheer desperation, I visited my doctor and got a prescription for sleeping pills, something
I never took before. I was worried he was going to quiz me about things and then lecture me and
maybe under duress, heaven forbid, I may just open up and confess everything. But no, he exchanged
pleasantries, told me about a legal battle his wife was engaged in with her plastic surgeon, extracted
free legal advice from me, then wrote out a prescription for pills, which the cunt charged me for.
People just didnt give a crap about you these days, I realized.
***
Angel touched my arm. Gabe, she purred, Youll will tell me if something is wrong, wont
you?
I looked at her totally horrified. Had she figured it out? Has she picked up the extortion note
from the mail by any chance? Had Charlie said something?
Look, work is not that important, she said. I know its stressful and Markham - they really do
take their pound of flesh from you, but honey, I dont mind just selling up and moving to some outback
area, where we couldwell, live off the landyou fishing and meI dont know, spearing some
some crabs or something and then cooking them over an open fire? Maybe just a small shack for the
kids? Huh?
I heaved a sigh of relief as I listened to her. She cupped my face with her hands and peered
looked into my bloodshot, guilt-laden eyes. I just want you to be okay, honey. If something is wrong
with your job, well walk it and solve it together. Okay, Gabey baby?
I finally had my chance - now was the perfect time to say, Honey, I fucked up. I got pissed and
submitted to temptation and now I might be
Maybe I could say, Youre never gonna believe what happened to me when I went to Vegas,
Angel?
How bout, I wanna tell you something but promise you wont get mad? Promise?
I couldnt do it. Instead I took her in my arms and held her tight. Its the bug. Its gonna take
some time. Just ignore my bad behavior, okay?
She nodded. Still love me, Gabe?
Still love you tons! I said, meaning it. Always!
She smiled and moved to kiss me, but I jerked my lips out of reach.
The bug, remember?
She nodded and hugged me instead.
But baby?
Yes Gabe?
Promise me youll never try catching crabs by spearing them.
She chuckled and I squeezed the woman in my arms that was willing to give up our million
dollar lifestyle and live in a shack with me and spear crabs for a living. As I felt her melt into me, I
thought that God couldnt hate me that much he gave me my Angel in advance. I kissed her hair and
hugged her and languished in her affection.
Everythings gonna be okay, I lied.
When she left the room, I stared out of the window, a feeling of desolateness engulfing me.
I knew I was grieving and by now, I figured that I was in the bargaining stages of grief because
my thoughts were as follows:
What if I never told Angel? I could practice safe sex - use a condom for the rest of our lives?
What if I declared I was impotent? That would mean we would never have sex again. But then
theres the kissing and other avenues shed want to explorenah, wouldnt work. That idea sucked.
Hey, what if I just divorced her? Then I would never have to sleep with her again and she would
never know. Now that was a brilliant idea! I had finally worked out a win-win solution and it was
perfect! I would file for a divorce tomorrow.
***
When, Gabe? You have to take the test now!
Soon, Charlie, soon. I need to tell Angel first. Man, I wish hed just shut the fuck up and leave
me alone!
Ok, Charlie said, looking worried.
I move away from him before he badgered me again.
Fuck all this shit about divorcing Angel and never telling her. Those were shitty ideas. Dumb,
stupid and lame ideas.
I would never divorce her. I loved her more than life itself.
But how do I tell her? When do I tell her? I sat thinking of various scenarios and finally decided
that I would tell her on Sunday. It was Charlie and Debbies anniversary two weeks ago and since I
wasnt there to celebrate with them, we were throwing them a belated anniversary dinner on Saturday
and I didnt want to spoil that. A few other friends would also be joining us that night.
Around midday on Saturday, I found Angel sitting at the kitchen table, staring hard at the table. I
froze. Had she perhaps discovered something? Was I talking in my sleep? Wwhats wrong,
Angel? I asked nervously.
She uttered a long sigh before she answered. Im so disappointed, Gabe.
Dread oozed through my body as I waited for grenade to explode.
I cant get lavender shoes in my size. I tried everywhere!
Lavender SHOES? Whew! What lavender shoes, baby? I asked, exhaling.
For the wedding, remember? she said impatiently. Iris and Jacks? Huh?
I nodded. Iris and Jack were mutual friends of ours, who had met through us and wanted us to be
Best Man and maid of honor at their wedding. I was to partner Lily, one of Angels close friends.
It was a huge deal to Angel and she was stressing about it.
Me, I had a tux that needed to dry cleaning and that was enough. I looked at my beautiful, caring
wife with utter sadness. Today she was concerned about the unavailability of lavender shoes in her
size. Relish these trivial concerns my darling, because soon, your concerns are going to be so
much more significant.
As the day progressed, Im not sure why, but I began to have mini anxiety attacks and found
myself desperately needing to talk to Angel. But she was so busy with the roast and the serviettes and
the flowers and the seating, that there was no time and I found myself becoming angry at her for not
being available.
An hour before dinner, we were both changing in our bedroom and she was, as usual, on about
something I didnt do. Today it was not chilling the wines on time.
Its not a big deal, Angel, I said irritably. Ill do it now. Quite nagging. Usual bickering
between us, no need for alarm. Yet.
It a huge deal to me, Gabe, she said sulkily. I do everything around here and never complain.
Never!
I rolled my eyes. There she goes again about how much she does and how I never help out
same ol same ol.
When I ask you to chill the wine, you could do that one thing without arguing that its not a big
deal. Its all I asked of you and ...
You think thats big? Wait till you hear that I slept with another woman. I listened in horror to
the words spewing out of my mouth. Did I just say that out loud? Fuck! I made the cardinal sin of
thinking out loud.
Angels head swiveled to look at me, her eyes the size of saucers. Wha ? Gabe? What
didyou?
I just stared, stunned by my confession. That in itself was confirmation for her.
WWhen, Gabe, when? she croaked, her shoulders slumping.
I stared intensely at the carpet for a moment, then looked up at her stricken face. It was no use
trying to talk my way out of this one. It was time and I needed to man-up.
On my last business trip. Im sorry.
I watched my wife sink slowly into a chair, her hand on her chest, her eyes fixed to the carpet. I
inched slowly towards her, not sure if I should put my arms around her. She looked like I had struck
her.
Angel, baby, Im sorr
You last business ? Her neck jerked to look at me. You bought me roses you asked
me to pick you up from the Her hands began to tremble, probably with shock.
Slowly, I ran my hand over my face.
Why? she cried, her eyes flitting all over my face as if she was looking for answers. Why,
Gabe, why?
I shook my head dumbly then gave several small helpless shrugs.
How ? She suddenly stiffened. Is shedoes she work with you?
NO!
Do I know her?
I shook my head from side-to-side. I met her for the first time. It was just I waved
dismissively, It was just a one night stand. Im sorry, Angel, I really am.
She groaned and held her head in her hands and I wanted to take her in my arms and beg for
forgiveness and vow never to do anything like that again.
But I couldnt, cause there was more to tell and a hell of a lot more to forgive.
Do youare youdo you wanna divorce?
NO! I cried, horrified to hear her even utter that word. I love you Angel. I made a mistake
and Im sorry. Thats all it is.
She stared at me and I wished I could read her mind. Suddenly, we were interrupted by the
doorbell. Our visitors were arriving and the timing sucked.
Look, I said. I will send everybody home. Ill tell them youre ill
For a moment she appeared to be giving my suggestion some thought. Well, thats what I thought.
But without a word, she got up and strode out of the room.
I heard her open the door for our visitors and welcome them as she usually did. But today, her
voice was high-pitched.
For a while, I sat on my bed, unsure what to do. Then having no choice, I went downstairs and
watched her talk to everyone with a smile plastered onto her pretty, but pale face.
I followed her around. Angel, Im sorry. Can we talk for a moment? Please?
Not once did she look at me. Not even when she flung instructions at me to open the wine or to
top up someones glass or to get the door or when she hissed at me to leave her the fuck alone or
when she told me to fuck off and die.
Not once.
Naturally, I was distracted and lousy company. Charlie and everyone soon caught on that all was
not well with Angel and me, because Angel became withdrawn and preoccupied, which was most
unlike her.
Frankly, I wanted everyone to just leave so I could handle Angel. I didnt know what was going
through her mind. I mean, I knew she was a good person, who didnt deserve a prick like me and I
knew she was always fair and forgiving and I hoped to God that she would remain that way with me.
In fact, I silently prayed.
Once during the evening, I walked into the kitchen and found her leaning over the sink, lost in
thought.
Angel? I called softly. She didnt answer. I touched her shoulder lightly. She turned around to
look at me.
You okay? I asked gently. Can I get you something?
She stared with me with eyes like diamonds, before brushing past me towards our guests. I hung
around the kitchen for a few moments, unsure what to do. Then I walked back and noticed her hitting
the bottle in a big way, which was unusual because she didnt really like alcohol.
***
When our guests left early, I breathed a sigh of relief. Now she and I could talk. Well, maybe not
talk some serious begging on my part was more like it.
But Angel, without a word, grabbed her jacket (her leather jacket which she hadnt worn in
about 8 years) and car keys and stormed out of the house, leaving me with the sleeping kids.
Where youre going Angel? I asked, tottering after her. When I saw that she had taken my car
keys, my Porsche, I nearly had a stroke.
Again, I braced myself to remind her that she had a late model silver BMW and that the Porsche
belonged to me and that if she really felt she just had to use my precious vehicle, my pride and joy,
she could have at least have had the decency to ask first.
But when she glared at me, lips pursed, nostrils flaring, eyes like flying saucers, I became the
pussy I am and literally backed away.
She slipped the key into the engine and started my baby eh, car.
Then she revved it.
Honey, its not necessary to rev it so
She locked the doors and revved the engine so much, I thought I was going to have a stroke.
Timidly, I knocked on the window. Honey? I motioned for her to wind down the window.
Honey, baby, sweetheart, youve been drinking maybe you shouldnt
Her response was to snarl and rev it again.
Okay, okay! I quickly stepped away from the car.
Fuck the revving and shit, I was worried about her. She had been hitting the bottle all night. What
if she had an accident?
But I could do nothing to stop her. She sped away. Minutes later, I tried her cell phone, only to
find that she had left it behind. My anxiety escalated I didnt want anything to happen to her.
Anxious and worried, I sat up all night, waiting for her, wondering where she could be and
resisting the temptation to call her friends and start looking for her. Although I felt like a drink, I
didnt, just in case she called me to pick her up.
Alone in the dark, I paced as questions ran like freight train through my
mind what was she going to do now? Leave? Ask me to leave? Stay, but file for a divorce?
Shit, had I lost everything because of my fucking around?
I couldnt sleep, so I crawled into bed with my girls who were sleeping in our bed. I hugged
their soft bodies to mine, saddened to think what would become of them if I was gone. Who would
take care of them when I was gone? Would they be embarrassed to know that their father died of
AIDS? Would they be forever ashamed of me? How would Angel cope without me? Would she marry
again?
The thought of that really jarred me and almost made me sit up. ANGEL IN BED WITH
ANOTHER MAN? FUCKING HELL!
Guess I was that kind of guy full of shit and totally unrealistic. Its how I was wired.
But around 5 AM, I finally dozed off next to my girls.

***
At around eleven the next morning, Angel rocked up, looking likewell, last night and reeking
of cigarettes, which she had given up eight years ago.
Angel, where were you? I asked in a timid voice as I followed her around.
She spun around to bark at me. What does it matter to you WHERE I was?
Okay, okay, honey.
Of course, I didnt want to fight with her. Clearly she was troubled and in pain, so I was going to
be very patient today.
Wheres my daughters? she demanded as she flung her bag on the glass table.
My daughters. The division was starting already.
Theyre with Debbie, honey.
Whyyyy?
Becauseeh I think we need to talk, Angel.
She whirled around and glared at me. Talk? Talk? I need answers and you, you need to talk,
she snapped, and once again I nodded agreeably. But I want the truth, she threatened. Dont ever
lie to me again, Gabriel. From now on, have the balls to tell me the truth, okay? She was calling me
Gabriel, not Gabe or honey. It meant she was pissed.
I hesitated, then nodded. Sure.
She walked over to the bar and to my absolute horror, picked up my Johnny Walker, limited
edition, $3500 a bottle, individually bottled, individually numbered, in a hand-blown
Baccarat crystal decanter, given to me by a retired, murdering mafia boss whose name I threw around
like crazy whenever I was in a jam, and poured herself half a glass of it. Half a glass.
Then she took a huge gulp, made a face and, guess what? She spat it back into the glass and
threw the contents into the sink. Down the fucking sink!
Too stunned to speak, I could only watch as she poured herself a triple vodka and drank it neat.
But I was scared shitless to say anything to her.
Instead, I glanced pointedly at the clock. Eleven fifteen too early for anyone, other than me, to
be drinking alcohol.
She downed another vodka and slammed the glass on the table.
For a while, she stared at the carpet and that hurt look Id seen last night in her eyes returned.
Shaking her head as if she was having a conversation with herself, she grabbed the bottle of vodka
and poured herself another. Raising the glass to her lips, she paused and looked at me. Why?
I sighed loudly, apologetically, remorsefully. I was dumbI got carried awayI was drunk
stupid
After taking a gulp of her vodka, she fired the next question. Was does she look like? Is she
attractive?
A loaded question. I scratched my face, planning to say no.
I want the truth Gabriel! Dont you FUCKING make up
Yes! Yes! Yes
Her jaw trembled slightly. How old was she?
I scratched my brain. ProbablyI dunnoaround thirty , I think...
She closed her eyes and shook her head. Angel was thirty-two, so that shouldnt affect her that
much. H how many times?
Uhjust that SSaturday, I stammered. Only that day.
How many times that DAY?
Night, honey, I corrected. Umthree yeah, three times. Honey.
She raised her eyebrows dramatically. You were drunk and you got it up three times? How the
FUCK did you manage that? she spat nastily. These days we can only do it once a night, cos youre
so fucking old!
That made me mad. I wanted to shout out that she was the problem here. She usually was too
tired for sex anyway, let alone trying to do it more than once a night. I had to always beg for it! But I
held my tongue. Actually, I too was baffled by the fact that I could go and go that night. I have no idea
how I did it, considering I was shit-faced. But I did, and I was somewhat secretly proud of it.
I know, I know; I was an asshole for thinking that, but hey, we all know that Im a prick.
Moving on
She walked over to the window and stared forlornly outside. I cook, I clean, I take care of your
kids I get exhausted, I get bored, I get lonely. She turned and looked at me, then downed the rest of
her vodka, before continuing. There are days when I feel like giving up on being a mother and a
wife, because of the repetitiveness and monmon...otony of c...hings. But do I do that? Noooo! But
you get to. How the FUCK is that fair, huh? She was drunk alright.
I looked away, then at her again. Im sorry Angel, I said, meaning it. I did a crappy thing and
I deserve everything, okay? So let me have it.
Dont call me Angel! Its AngeLINA to you, FUCKHEAD! Youve lost your Angel now.
I looked away, unused to having my wife curse like a sailor or talk to me like that.
Did you ever think about me at all while you were FUCKING her?
Truth was; I never did, but I wanted to spare her that pain.
Did you Gabriel?
Yes!
Her eyes opened wide.
Nno, I quickly added. I dunno - I was out of it Angel.
Out of it? You had a hard-on three times in one night, you FUCKING MORON! You couldnt
have been out of it you DUMB FUCK!
I kept my eyes averted while she disrespected me.
Was she the woman in the cab?
I hung my head, not realizing we had been spotted. Yes.
Her jaw trembles before tears cascaded down her flushed cheeks. So you were kissing her
goodbye, Gabriel?
No! I protested, distraught to see her so broken.
You didntyou didnt kiss me on the lips that day and ever since, because you gave me some
crap about some tummy bug or some shit. All that was a lie, right? She sounded so hurt, I felt like the
dog I was.
But the tummy bug really was a lie so what could I say?
Right? she persisted.
I nodded.
All this while, you were fightingand being so moody with me and I was thinking she
looked up at me, It wasnt pressure at work all along, was it? You were stressed about this, right?
I looked away, resisting the urge to say, But wait, theres more!
You havent slept with me since you got back and you havent kissed me since. God I feel so
rejected. Her shoulders fell.
Angel, I didnt
She slumped into a chair and covered her face with her hands. Then she rested her face on her
lap and wept.
For a few moments, I let her. She needed this.
Suddenly, she sat up straight.
Angel, baby, I am so sor
Save it Gabriel! she snarled and walked over to pour herself yet another drink, her I lost
count. Suddenly, she threw the heavy crystal glass and its contents across the room and into my big
screen plasma TV. My big screen precious plasma television set! I watched in horror as glass from
the television rained everywhere.
What the hell, Angelina? I cried. Look what you did!
Lookwhatyou did, Gabriel Sloan! she deadpanned, before stumbling away.
I stared for a few minutes, unsure whether I should run after her or take care of the mess. Finally,
I let her go and cleaned up the mess and when next I saw her, she was passed out on her bed, fully
clothed and snoring like Trixie.
Trixie was my Rottweiler who passed on (God bless her soul) years ago.
I covered her with a sheet and quietly shut the door. Seeing her in pain and unhinged, really cut
me and I wished I could turn back the clock and save her all the hurt she was feeling.
That night, I took care of the kids, put them to bed and slept in my den, which luckily consisted of
two small rooms and a toilet. That was where Id been spending most of the last fourteen days
anyway. It would probably be where I would have to spend the next couple of months, I thought
bitterly. Although, I would still have to share the bathroom and kitchen in the main house with Angel.
Before I hit the sack, I looked in on Angel. She was still passed out. I longed to crawl into bed
with her and hold her in my arms and tell her how sorry I was for inflicting so much pain on her.
I wanted to kiss her and make love to her and assure her that everything would return to normal. I
went to bed wishing I could wake up and like in the movies, find that to my relief, it was just a long,
bad dream. Maybe, like Bobby Ewing, I would be the one in the shower and maybe like the syrupy
Pamela Ewing, Angel would take me in her arms and cling to me and tell me what a nightmare she
had and that she was so glad that I was still here able to deal with bad ol JR.
But as I finally fell asleep, I could only think with utter wretchedness that I had destroyed
something so valuable and precious in my life. Something I fought for and nothing would ever be the
same again. Just one night of submitting to temptation had destroyed my marriage.
***
When I woke up the next morning, to my surprise, my wife and kids had left the house already.
Shed be nursing a bitch of a hangover, I thought.
I stayed home from work again, not even bothering to call in sick. I lay in bed staring at the
ceiling, thinking about the church and the nun and that dream. I had to find out if it was a dream; it
bothered me far too much. Quickly, I threw on some clothes and made my way to the church. Nervous,
I entered and scouted around for signs of her, but of course I could not find anything she obviously
didnt exist.
Just then, I saw two nuns approaching. Hello sisters, I greeted cordially and was warmly
greeted by them in return. Then I enquired about the nun and I must say, even to myself, I sounded like
I was high on meth or crack. She has likeunsavory language? If you know what I mean.
They didnt know what I meant but looked at me with infinite patience. You looking to confess,
son?
Hell no. I shook my head. She sorta likes umincest?
They recoiled in horror and grabbed at their beads.
Incense! I quickly corrected, mortified at my crassness. Incense! The stuff you light up to
purify the air or something?
They smiled with relief and patted their crosses reassuringly.
I pressed on, hoping to ring a bell somewhere. She smokes?
They shook their heads and smiled understandingly. Nuns dont smoke, dear, they reprimanded
gently. I was about to mention that she was short and black like an espresso, not to mention as mean
as a snake, when I saw her. Actually we looked at each other at the same time.
There she is! I cried and I watch her stiffen like I was the Feds or something.
Oh, that is Sister Gordon, one of them said. Judy Gordon. But she doesnt smoke, dear.
I thanked them and hurtled across towards Sister Judy, remembering with embarrassment that I
had called her Sister Black. How could I have done that? I was a lousy stoner for sure.
Hello Sister Judy, I whispered conspiratorially.
Hello my dear, Sister Judy said pleasantly.
I was here some time ago. Remember me? We eh? I leaned forwards, patting two smoking
fingers knowingly to my lips, my eyebrows wriggling. I resisted the urge to wink.
She looked me up and down like I was a two-years-old or something. I think I do, she said in
an agreeable tone. Yes, you do look familiar, dear. But I dont smoke dear because I serve the Lord
now. She managed an affable smile, confusing the shit out of me. Would you like to talk about the
Lord and?
I glanced behind me and saw the other two nuns huddled together, staring and whispering.
Yes! I said piously. Yes, I would! I am deeply troubled and want to talk aboutJesus and...
Then come with me, dear, she said and walked towards the same room we used the last time.
What is troubling you today? she asked loudly as she shut the door. What the hell is wrong
with you? she hissed the moment the door closed.
I smiled with glee and sat down. I was not hallucinating after all, I said, You really are a
corrupt nun. I thought I was going bananas.
She glared at me as she waved her lit incense around. What do you want now? she snapped,
lighting up a joint and passing it to me.
Why did you make me out to be some nutcase out there? I asked, referring to the other two
nuns.
Spiritual ehpolitics, she said succinctly and lit up her own joint.
Are you really a nun?
Im a trainee.
I didnt know there were such things as trainee nuns?
She shrugged and put her joint to her mouth.
For the next hour, we smoked and talked again about my problems. This time, we didnt find
everything that amusing.
You did the crime, now you must do the time, she said impatiently. Whats the problem? Its
simple, so stop whining like an anorexic ballerina, will you? Grow up.
Grow up? How can you be so unsympathetic? I demanded hotly, expecting a little more
sympathy from her. I am DYING!
You deserve to die for cheating on your wife, you SOB!
My jaw dropped. Wheres the sympathy that nuns are famous for, huh? I flared.
Hey, Im saving it for the mother with three kids under the age of ten whos dying of cancer.
What do you want me to do put in a good word with the man above? Huh? As you can see, She
waved the joint around, Im skating on thin ice already. Hello! And youre not dying, youre HIV
positive, thats all.
I sat back and exhaled slowly. Youre so judgmental Judge Judy. I made one mistake! I cheated
just once and Im fucked for life?
She shrugged.
And Im not gay, I added.
Dont try to convince me, cos your sexual preference, it dont matter to me. I aint gonna sleep
with you, even if you ask nicely.
I chuckled.
And Im not lending you this outfit to make a porno movie again, either!
Again, I chuckled like a ballerina.
I dont wanna lose my family, I said morosely, the weed taking effect. I love them so much.
We talked and argued for a while longer then I left in a huff, fed up with her lack of
understanding. So long Judge Judy! I said caustically.
Anytime, Mister Im-not-gay-Im-straight! And next time; bring you own joint, cos this thing is
too expensive and I hate having to share my dope.
Your dope, I scoffed. Just listen to yourself. Its such an inappropriate thing for a nun to say.
Hey, I have to help myself to the donation box to buy it, she bitched, ignoring my chastisement.
It gets risky. And next time, bring whisky, you cheapskate.
I shook my head and began leaving. On my way out, I flung a wad of notes in the donation box
with Judge Judy in mind. Then I went back, picked up the wad and placed it gently back in the
donation box.
***
That evening, the kids returned and as usual, were all over me, telling me about the great time
they had with Aunt Lily, Angels close friend. Angel pointedly ignored me, her lips pressed firmly
together all the time. I wanted her to fight with me again, scream at me again, and now that the TV
was no longer around, maybe even throw more stuff.
I hated that ornate mirror in the entrance hall, because her father, a jerk named Harvey Lawson,
gave it to her last year. I wished shed break that. But she didnt. Instead, all I got was a cold front
from her.
I slept in my cold, unappealing den again, longing for her soft, warm body. Her body was such
that the moment I touched her, I got turned on. How I wished I hadnt gone to Vegas that weekend.
The next day, I dragged myself to work, but halfway through the day, I followed my mind and
went AWOL - just walked out of the office. I couldnt concentrate on anything. Of all the things
bothering me, losing my Angel ranked highest. With each passing day, I realized just how much I
needed and missed her.
Charlie was on my case, badgering me about seeing a doctor and taking the dreaded AIDS test,
but I stalled, not wanting to know right now and not caring about treatment.
You need to grow up, Gabe, Charlie said.
Yeah, yeah, okay, I said.
During the week, Angel had another almost violent go at me, which if you remember, I was
patiently waiting for.
Why the fuck couldnt you just say No! Gabriel? Why didnt you just do what millions of men
the world over do, and say no? Every day, men and women around the world, say No! because they
already have the very best and they dont want to gamble with it. You had the best Gabriel. Its like
winning the billion dollar lotteryandand then taking the win and playing with it at the roulette
table. Crossing your fingers and placing all your chips on red. Where the fuck was your brain,
Gabriel?
I dont know Angelina. It just happened, okay?
You just couldnt resist a young pretty face, huh? Couldnt resist the promise of fresh young
pussy in a blue dress, huh?
Did she have to make me sound like Bill Clinton?
My family God, how they will laugh! Can just imagine them telling me, Told you so! Told
you so! God!
Her family did not want her to marry me in the first place because of money. The fact that I
didnt have any. Now they will be smiling with glee. God, I hated them.
Im sorry Angel, I repeated.
Sorry, she sneered, and I got a whiff of alcohol, which explained the foul language. You
sound like youve forgotten to take out the garbage or something.
I shut up. She needs to get this out of her system, then we can move on. I got it and I will be
patient.
When you were nineteen, twentyand you thought about your future Gabriel; where did you
think youd be at the age of thirty five, huh? I know what I thought - I thought Id be married, with
with children, a dog, a nice house I didnt think I be married, but fucking some strange guy in a
hotel room, while my husband and kids were at home, keeping the fires burning, because it CHASED
AWAY FUCKING BOREDOM!
Keep your voice down, will you? I hissed. The kids
I was living what I dreamed of then and I was HAPPY with that! she screamed. Why werent
you? Or did you plan to get stuck at age nineteen, you FUCKING JUVENILE?
No, I protested feebly, I was happy
No you werent. No you werent or youd have said No! Youd have said, There a
theres a lady at home who gave up a lucrative career as a medical technologist and who got fat and
frumpy having my beautiful babies, while I was off, traipsing around the world, becoming the hot-shot
attorney I am. She keeps it together, by juggling like a fuckingfuckingwhatever, so that when I
come home, I look around, see the fruits of my success and say, Hey, guess what world? Im a
success story. Look at me yall - I have it all!
Everything she said was true. I had it all - the house, the pretty wife, the adorable kids, the
million-dollar home. What more could I want? AIDS?
Im sorry, I begged. I do love you.
She bristled at my words. Dont you EVER say that again, Gabriel Sloan! I dont want to be
loved by you. Its too hard and too painful. She inhaled deeply. For a while, I thought I may have
contributed to this whole thing maybe I wasnt pretty enough or
No Angel, that
maybe Id put on too much weight ...
is not true.
or maybe I already heard everything you had to say and you needed someone fresh someone
who would be really impressed when they learned how you made a success of yourself. But now, I
realize that the mistake here is all yours. I am blameless in this shit and I will make you sorry you
gambled on red.
For many days after that, I heard her walking around at 3 AM, unable to sleep. In the morning, I
would sometimes find her passed out on the couch in the lounge, Kleenex scattered all around her. I
ached for her, but could do little to comfort her.
***
After a while, Angel stopped cleaning and she stopped cooking. She cooked light meals for the
kids, but nothing for me. Basically she had downed tools and I was experiencing first-hand, what
happened when she wasnt there to take care of things. Possibly because of my poor upbringing, I
was, out of fear, quiet anal about cleanliness, so I was forced to start taking care of the house, but I
sucked at it. I thought about hiring a cleaner or a maid, but I didnt know where to start. We were
supposed to have had a cleaner who came in every day for a couple of hours but I never saw anyone
so I had to wonder if there really was a cleaner.
Angel was showing me a point. Okay. Whats the big deal anyway? How hard can it be with just
two kids? Its not like she has an outside job or we have six kids running around. Indianas at
preschool, so shes just got Sydney during the day. The cleaner, if she showed up, would do just
about all the cleaning anyway, so Angels got plenty of time in the day to go shopping, do her nails,
have coffee with friends, play tennis whatever! Andand thats a big AND; she has unlimited funds
to spend on herself. Easy life.
***
That Friday, I walked in to see Charlie in my lounge with both hands on Angels shoulders.
Angels head was bowed and he appeared to whispering words of comfort.
I got really scared. Wha?
Angel lifted her head and to my surprise, shrugged off Charlie and ran up to me. Gabe! Oh
Gabe! she cried, flinging her arms around me. Youre dying. Why didnt you tell me?
Shaking my head, I glared at Charlie. What the fuck? I mouthed.
Slowly, he folded his arms across his chest and held my gaze.
Okay, I guess he was fed up with my dilly-dallying and decided to take matters into his own
hands and tell Angel, hoping she would badger me into taking the AIDS test.
I should have been mad with him, but hey, I got my Angel back in my arms, crying all over me,
not cursing or breaking TVs, so I forgave him on the spot. Also, I was not dying, I may be HIV
positive, thats all. But I was loath to say anything in case she left my arms.
In spite of everything, Gabe, she wept, I still love you and you youre the father of our
babies and I will support you. True love cannot be just shut off like that.
I was smiling inside and outside at her words. My babe was back and all was well. But the next
words out of her mouth put paid to that.
Yes, we have to get a divorce and go our own ways, but I will still support you. Ill bring the
girls to see you and
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I cried, shrugging her off. What divorce? I was mortified that she
could possibly entertain such a notion.
She looked uncertainly at me before she answered. Gabriel, I I cant be with someone who
has been unfaithful, she said sympathetically. I just cant. I will be wanting a divorce. Im sorry.
It floored me that she could utter those words in such a controlled manner. That she could move
on so quickly? Just like that? What about for better?
But we dont have to talk about that now, she said reassuringly. Lets just focus on the blood
test.
Disgusted by the look of pity on her face, I turned and stormed off, ready to take the AIDS test
and be told that I was dying. Nothing is worth living for without Angel.
***
If that wasnt enough, I got a call later that day from Grant Harper, a senior partner at work and a
great fan of mine. He made small talk, then told me he was recovering from a terrible flu and said that
we needed to talk.
I agreed and went to meet him.
Dont mind if I dont shake your hand, Sloan, he said. This virus I have is just naaaasty, man.
It can kill you!
I resisted saying, Ditto. My scar is longer that your scar.
It was as I expected; I was being fired. Too many days away, shoddy work and above all, due to
my negligence, we had lost the Blakely / Harper account, which I took credit for in the first place and
which had somehow, lead to my fatal rendezvous with death.
I listened without interrupting, nodded and got up and left, not even bothering to clear my desk.
Frankly, I gave a flying fuck about the job.
But my rage doubled towards Sinead and again I made a mental note to murder her. Cut her
throat, her jugular with a blunt knife and let the bitch bleed to death while I looked on smoking a cigar
or casually shelling some pistachios or something.
As for Angel, she could just fuck off. I didnt need her pity. I was a man, strong and in control;
the lion in the pack, the king of my urban jungle. I was capable and respected by my peers and society
and I didnt need pity just because I was dying of AIDSs. Everyone could fuck off! I was going to be
okay on my own.
I drove to the beach to clean my head. As I sat and watched the waves crash, I thought about my
mom. I didnt know my dad cause he died when I was just two.
Fishing into my wallet, behind a picture of Angel and my lovely daughters, I drew out a picture
of my mom I had kept for the last 30 years or so. Slowly, I touched her face in the photo. She was
beautiful. I remember her sparkling eyes and her tinkling laugh it sounded like those odd-shaped
things people put up and when the wind blows, they make all sorts of musical sounds. Oh, and she
was famous for gazillions of cuddles.
Im trying to set a record on cuddles, shed say, opening her arms wide, so come here and
help me with it.
Id try to run off, but shed run after me and catch me. Come here my Gabey baby, shed say
and scoop me in her arms.
They said she went to heaven. Whenever I asked for her, Charlie would swallow hard ask me if
I wanted to go for a milkshake or if I wanted to go bike riding or if I wanted to play some game. Then
hed pick me up and cuddle me like she had done but it never felt the same. At night, hed tuck me in
and try to sing me songs my mom used to sing to us, but he always couldnt remember the words.
Wonder if things would be different if she was around? Silly thought, but
***
When I got home, the house was once again spotless. Empty, but clean.
At least she was taking care of the house again, I thought, helping myself to my Johnny Walker
that Angel so disrespected the other day.
Beautiful stuff. I drank it all and passed out. I didnt even hear Charlie and Angel come in and try
to wake me up. The next day, I woke up feeling really ill. Thinking it was the hangover; I ignored it,
took a few Aspirins and went back to bed.
I woke up that evening and romped around with my daughters. They were so cherubic and cute
that I felt like crying at the thought of leaving them some day. I didnt speak to Angel and ignored her
invitation to the dinner table.
Later that evening, when the girls were asleep, Angel tried to talk to me about going for the
AIDS test. I walked away while she was talking. I wasnt ready for it. Ever since she heard I was
dying, her anger at me seemed to dissipate or she may have simply postponed it for later. But she was
pleasant and supportive and understanding and most all, she was not showering me with profanities
or threatening to re-arrange my face. The moment my back was turned, shed snuck in and cleaned my
den and prepared bland hospital food for me.
I grew resentful, feeling like she was treating me like a patient, child. A foster child - you know,
treading carefully, trying to say and do the right things so as not to scare the child off? Frankly, it
pissed me off something terrible.
To cap it all, I got ill. Pneumonia. How? God only knows. But I got the fucking strain. I wasnt
one to suffer with illnesses like that. In fact, I couldnt remember the last time I was ill. Side effects
of the HIV. The AIDS virus was attacking me a like a bitch and I was getting scared. After a week of
lying in bed, Charlie and Angel finally succeeded in dragging me to a doctor. Not our family doctor,
because he was away on vacation, but to Doctor Margolis, who was Charlies general practitioner
for years.
Doctor Margolis was a fat, disapproving fuck, with a Donald Trump comb-over. As I spoke, he
shook his head from side-to-side, messing up his comb-over, then shook his disapproving head some
more till his jowls shook, clucked his fat, pink tongue and finally launched into a long, boring lecture
about safe sex and about promiscuity. Then, he covered coming out of the closet.
Im not gay! I almost yelled.
He ignored my outburst, patted down his comb-over and continued to talk about certain
recreational drugs used by gays that entice you to throw caution to the wind in engage in unnatural sex
acts.
Im NOT gay! I repeated, but once again, he ignored my protests. I had nothing against gays,
but I just wasnt and his assumptions irritated the crap out of me. I had lost my family, my job and
soon my life and he was going off on a tangent and lecturing me on shit that didnt concern me.
Finally, I acted like I was going to puke all over him. It was only then that he hastily curtailed his
lecture and ushered us out of the room. Accompanied by Angel and Charlie, I eventually took the
blood test and almost passed out at the sight of my blood.
All the fuckers around me laughed at my girlishness, but I didnt find it funny. I hated needles
with a passion. Almost as much as I hated Sinead. When we got home, I crawled back into my single
bed in my den and silently licked my wounds.
I was miserable.
***
There was a soft knock at the door before Angel entered. She looked different today shed lost
weight, her hair was loose, long and shining, her eyes were large and liquid, she looked fresh, young
and innocent, like when I first met her.
Compared to Sinead, she was stunning and in that short skirt, she looked incredibly sexy.
Can I come in? she whispered, her eyes full of concern.
Yeah, I said in what I hoped was a casual tone.
She perched gingerly on the edge of my bed and smiled grimly at me. You okay? Her voice
was the one she used on our daughters when they were crying or upset.
I shrugged.
I didnt know you lost your job, she said quietly.
Fucking Charlie! Just couldnt keep his trap shut.
Embarrassed, I shrugged it off. I dont give a fig about the job, Angelina, but if youre worried
about money?
No, Im not! she said hastily. Gabe, I want you to know that Im going to walk this with you
no matter where we are in life. She was calling me Gabe again, which gave rise to feelings of
wellbeing inside me. Youve always been a good provider to us and now its my turn to do
something for this family. Sorta contribute
You do contribute, I said. Dr Phil says that a stay-at-home moms work is twice the amount
of a regular job, remember? You tell me that all the time.
She broke into a beautiful smile that made my heart slam against my chest. I wanted to yank her
into my bed, slap on a condom and fuck her! Make love to her, as she called it. But I didnt dare say
that to her.
Why you smiling, Gabe? Whats going through that mind of yours? she whispered, her voice
caressing.
I looked at her and grinned. Just the usual: I want to yank you into this bed, slap on a condom
and fmake love to you.
She laughed and I felt a sprinkling of summer rain. How the hell did I fuck this up with a
beautiful bird like this?
Listen Gabe, she said, I made a few phone calls and there is a position available for medical
technologist at the hospital and
Forget it! I said. What about Indiana and Sydney? You cant leave them and go to work!
She pursed her lips. Were gonna need money Gabe. Your hospital bills
Weve got money, I reminded her. Plus I get a huge severance pay. And when I die, theres
the insurance. Suddenly, we both realized what I just said. We stared at each other, stunned by my
words, as reality bit.
She started to cry.
Dont Angel, I said, holding her, close to tears myself. Please dontits gonna be okay. I
sounded unconvincing even to myself.
Suddenly she sat up straight, dried her eyes and flashed me a phony smile. Youre right, she
said, all too brightly. Im worrying for nothing. She stood up and quickly exited the room,
murmuring something about having something to do.
After a few minutes, I went in search of her and found her sobbing in the bathroom. Without a
word, I took her in my arms and held her tight. I love you my Angel, and Im sorry for being the
worlds greatest fuck up.
Its nnothing, she stammered. She was trying to be brave because in two days, we were
getting the results of the blood test. Basically, she was stressing.
***
I am losing everything, I whined to Sister Judy. All that I ever worked for and built up in my
life all going up in smoke.
Talking about smoke; we didnt always smoke weed when we met. Sometimes, we just drank
whisky and hurled insults. I always brought the whisky and she always got drunk and mean.
I couldnt get weed, so I just gave her money to buy the weed instead. Without a word, she took
the money and placed it in her pocket.
Well Gaylord, what have you done in your life for others that you can really be proud of?
Well I I had to think long and hard.
Emphasis on the word others.
I dont knowI cant remember; but Im sure I did
You say your brother worked three jobs trying to put you through law school - what have you
really done for him to say, Thank you brother man.
What? I, eh Ive done things for him, Im sure.
Yeah? Tell Sister Judy about it. I got all day.
Her sarcasm really pissed me off sometimes. I scratched my brain, trying to think. Then I
remembered how little I had actually done for Charlie and I felt like a heel. I mean, I bought him stuff,
small stuff actually. Paid for his honeymoon, sent them on a holiday to Hawaii
I sent them to Hawaii ?
Yeah? How much did Hawaii cost you? 6 months salary?
Nno, I said, embarrassed that I even mentioned it.
You say Debbie mothered you even though she was just a few years older than you what have
you done for her?
Well Sister Judas. I raked my brains, realizing that Angel and Sister Judy were right I
was indeed selfish and self-absorbed.
She gave a mirthless chuckle. As I said, I got plenty of time. She continued being
unsympathetic and accusing and finally I lost it and I stormed out, drunk and mad as hell.
Im never coming back to this place! I slurred. And I am going to report you to thetheeh,
authorities for cursing and boozing and smoking and being sosounsympathetic! And thats
smoking weed AND cigarettes, I added, so they are gonna pretty much throw the book at you!
She rolled her eyes and I got really irritated.
Corrupt! Thats what you are. And what about extortion, huh? You take all my money all the
time. I pay for all the weed and all the booze and what do I get in return? Zilch! So there!
Again, she rolls her eyes.
I want you to know, Sister Judas fucking Iscariot, that I have made a recording of every
singleeh, meeting we have had thus far, video and audio, and I will not, I repeat; I will not hesitate
to release these recordings to some TV station for the world to see. Some fair and balanced television
station like like ...
FOX? she sneered.
Well, eh not quite. I will not reveal all my aces because, as you may have deduced, I am a
poker player and a very good one at that, so there!
I stormed out wondering if I should return and snatch back my half-drunk bottle of scotch.
But since I was shit-scared of her, I decided against it and drove home drunk.
***
Nerve-wracking. Never realized what that meant until now. Today I was expecting to hear,
Guilty, or Not guilty.
If it was guilty, then I would be getting life without parole.
If it was not guilty, then I was going to jump for joy.
Either way, I was ready to accept my fate, as I was tired of everything. Just drained.
But I cursed myself for not researching AIDS more. Being the arrogant prick that I was, I just
refused to. Hey, I warned you about me in the very beginning remember?
Guess, I didnt want to, much to Charlies distress.
Charlie and Angel were with me when we listened to the blood test, bracing ourselves for
The words Negative or positive.
But the words from the idiot in front of me stupefied me.
Indeterminate!
What the fuck? I looked at Charlie, then Angel, then Dr Margolis.
What does indeterminate mean? I demanded from all of them, not taking into account that I
had bluntly refused before and after AIDS counseling, which meant, I didnt get the run down on what
results meant, etc.
Charlie had called me a know-it-all and Angel told me I would regret it. Both of them were
spot-on.
Dr Margolis looked at me with absolute disdain. Well, if you hadnt been so arrogant, Gabriel,
you would have?
Arrogant? I leapt out of my chair, ready to re-arrange his face. How dare you call me
arrogant, you fat fuck? I will take that stethoscope and strangle you with it, you motherfucking piece of
shit!
Dr Margolis shrank back, both his hands shielding his face. Dont hurt me! Dont hurt me!
Charlie pulled me back. Gabe, listen! It just means the results are not conclusive and have to
be repeated. Thats all, Gabe, thats all, man!
I looked at him in disbelief. How could this happen, Charlie? Didnt these people realize how
important this is? Its my life, Charlie. Theyre treating it like its a test for for low iron levels or
something. HHuh?
Bro, its no ones fault. Shit happens.
Its someones fault! I exploded.
Charlie dragged me out of the doctors rooms while Angel stood by crying.
Outside in the parking lot, I paced like a wounded tiger while Angel sobbed.
Charlie swung between her and me, trying his best to comfort us both. He too had tears in his
eyes.
I was so mad, so frustrated, so disheartened - I wanted to punch somebody. Instead, I sat down
on the curb-side, hung my head and watched raindrops fall around my feet. But it wasnt raindrops.
It was my tears.
For the first time in my adult life, I was crying. The last time I cried, I was five.
Horrified, I quickly stood up and furiously wiped my tears with my jacket sleeves. I was a man,
tough and capable and totally in control. University-educated, good looking, an arrogant prick, as the
fat fuck put it, a self-made man and basically, a success story.
Until now.
I looked at the two people a few feet away from me, people who loved me beyond anything and
for a moment, I thought how lucky I was to have them. It could have been worse; Angel could have
severed all ties with me and Charlie could have disowned me. In spite of all this, I hurt like hell.
Unable to stand the pain, the sympathy on their faces, I walked off.
They didnt follow me.
***
A few days later, I took the test again and once again faced the long agonizing wait ahead.
That afternoon, Sydney fell and hurt her arm so we took her to the emergency department where
we waited for her to be x-rayed and seen by the doctor.
Angel and Indiana were standing at the vending machine choosing drinks, when I heard her name
being enthusiastically called. Then I heard Angel squeal and walk towards a man in a white coat. To
my surprise, they hugged. Who the fuck was he?
Angel seemed pleased to see him and was busy introducing Indiana to him. Then Angel pointed
at me, and when the guy looked my way, I paled. It was Wayne Stickler, the dickhead who Angels
father was hell-bent on her marrying.
Our marriage was shaky right now. Wrong time for her to bump into this asshole.
Hadnt changed much in appearance and I was sure he was still the cockhead he was back then.
Come over and say hi, I heard Angel say.
Dickhead reluctantly followed her, a grimace of a smile on his fugly face.
Wayne, you remember Gabriel Sloan? My my husband. I didnt miss the hesitation in her
voice and it really pissed me off.
Dickhead nodded, but did not stick out his hand.
Fuck him! I didnt want to shake his hand anyway.
Waynes an orthopedic surgeon here, Gabriel. Did she have to sound so goddamn impressed?
Reeeealy? I said. Aint that niiiice? Fix a lot of funny bones, do you?
Angel shot me an angry look which I ignored.
Heeeey, Dr Stickler! a nurse walking by gushed and gave him a flirtatious smile. Did she have
to sound so impressed too? What was wrong with these women?
Oh hey, Lacy, Dickhead returned the nurses smile.
Then another young intern paused to greet Dickhead. Afternoon, Wayne.
Afternoon, Larry.
The intern walked away. Mfff.
When Dickhead looked back at Angel, he had a did-you-see-how-popular-I-am? look on his
mug.
And Angel fuck! She irritated the shit out of me when she said, Gosh, youre popular around
here, Wayne. Im impressed.
Dickheads smirk deepened and I wanted to high five him. In the face, with a bedpan.
Somehow, I always felt inferior around him because, he had a way of making me feel that way.
Hes around my age - tall, always groomed, like he was going for a job interview, full head of brown
hair, not like my receding hairline. Grudgingly, have to admit that he hasnt changed much.
While I sulked and shot dirty looks in his direction, they chatted for a while in hushed tones. He
wasnt wearing a wedding band, I noticed.
To add to my chagrin, Angel walked him to the lift.
By the time she returned I had my barbs all lined up. So, you would have been married to an
orthopedic surgeon, then? I said, surly.
My barb bounced off her cause she just shrugged.
What happened to his hair? Are those hair plugs, then?
She didnt answer just rolled her eyes at me.
So, hes like, what? Fifty?
No answer.
Yeah, I think he is. What do you know hes the speed limit around here? Ha ha ha!
Hes thirty-seven! she snapped.
Really? He looks older. Like your father. Next time he sees you, he will say, Whooooos your
daddy!
She spun around to glare at me. Shaddup, Gabriel!
My turn to smirk. I hit a bulls-eye, cause she didnt want to go out with or marry anyone
remotely resembling her asshole father.
She shook her head, muttering something about me having to grow up.
Turns out that Sydneys arm had a hairline fracture, so to her delight, she had to have a cast and
to my displeasure, a few return visits to the hospital. That meant more bumping into Dickhead. As
we exited the hospital, I had uncomfortable thoughts of Angel having intimate lunches with Dickhead
at the hospital cafeteria. That would never happen, I silently fumed.
What? What would never happen? Angel asked.
Damn! I thought out loud again. I had to stop doing that.
Nothing, I muttered, wondering if he was married or single.
***
We sat opposite Dr Margolis while he retrieved my results. I watched him surreptitiously take
his stethoscope from around his neck and put it into a draw.
Negative, he finally announced, waving the results in his stubby fingers.
I know what youre thinking I should have jumped for joy. Before I could do that, he doctor
quickly put a spoke or a couple of spokes in our wheel of happiness, by explaining what negative
results and the window-period meant.
Long story short; a negative result, or seronegative meant that no antibodies were found in my
blood and it looked like I didnt have the dreaded disease. But to get an accurate result, I would have
to wait at least fourteen weeks before re-testing. Testing during this window period can give you a
false sense of security - I may be showing negative, even though I may have the virus. If I tested
negative after fourteen weeks, then I was really negative and could finally fuck someone.
I could have done it now, but Id have to use a condom and disclose it to the person. I hadnt had
sex since Sinead and I was feeling really wound up. For now it was just me and my right hand.
Angel hugged me long and hard and whispered how happy she was for me. I wanted her to use
the words us. But she didnt.
Charlie also hugged me and gave me several congratulatory slaps. We allowed ourselves some
degree of cautious happiness that day. In four months time, I would get definite answers. Four
months? Fuck! I wanted to go to sleep and wake up in fourteen weeks.
As we were on the way out, the nurse raced after me and handed me some literature, which I
accepted and thanked her for.
Angel drove, chatting happily while I briefly scanned the brochures in front of me.
For fucks sake! I cried.
What? Angel looked worriedly at me.
Im not gay! These dickheads are giving me brochures on gay support groups and shit.
Angel said nothing and focused intently on the road ahead. Why was she not laughing at this? I
stared at her, but she would not look at me. I looked back at Charlie, who tried hard to meet my gaze,
but failed.
Oh for fucks sake! I cried angrily. Not you guys too! Both of them remained silent. I am
NOT gay! I yelled.
Gabe! Gabe! Gabe! Charlie said. Take it easy now, okay? Were not saying youre gay,
man.
What are you saying? I challenged, looking from Angel to him. I simply couldnt believe what
they were thinking. Huh?
Well, you did say you were very drunk Gabe, Charlie said.
So?
How do you know for sure she was a broad? Maybe she was a?
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! I exploded. The thought of me fucking a guy made me want
to puke.
GABRIEL! Angel cried hotly. You calm down right now or Ill stop the car.
Stop the car! I cried.
She carried on driving.
Stop the FUCKING CAR! I yelled. She quickly pulled over. I got out, slammed the door shut
and walked off, ignoring their pleas to come back.
The fuckers had been wondering about my sexuality all the time then? Damn them!
***
I walked for miles mainly to clear my head. Finally, I reached my local pub and hit the bottle
again. I must have drunk half a bottle of Scotch, when Lily waltzed in.
Hey you! she breezed, taking a seat next to me. Got your tux all ready for the wedding?
Yeah, I slurred. Lily was Angels friend since university and she was going to be my bridal
partner or whatever you call it, at Iriss wedding.
Did Angel get those Lavender shoes she was looking for?
Angel I growled, nursing my Scotch.
Ahh! she nodded, a knowing look in her eye. That the reason for the Scotch? I nodded and
signaled the barman to get Lily a drink.
She ordered a cosmopolitan. All this must really be hard on you, she said quietly.
I looked at her. So Angel had told her. I know that Angels really hurting right now, but I bet
youre hurting even more. Her voice was soft and full of compassion.
This was the first time someone was looking at it from my point of view and it felt good. Ive
never known Lily to be so fair and supportive so it made me take another look at her.
She was early thirties, slim, tall, with wavy, brown hair that fell below her shoulders. Large,
green, darting eyes and she dressed like the women in the magazines everything matched. Angel
once said something about her having a stylist. Anyway, she was chic, but kinda intimidating.
Im a fuck-up Lily! I slurred.
No youre not! she said, looking me in the eye. Youre human, Gabe. She touched my hand.
We all make mistakes. But it would be nice if people realized just how human you are and cut you
some slack.
Slack! I muttered bitterly. No such thing from her. She wants a divorce.
Lily jerked back. What?!
I love her, I said sorrowfully. Shes my life, Lily. I dont wanna livewithout.her.
Dont worry about it, Lily soothed. It will all blow over, Gabe, really it will.
I knew for a fact that Angel would not have told anyone about the AIDS issue, because we all
agreed that nobody would know besides the three of us. So I didnt mention any of this to kind and
understanding Lily.
You think? I asked hopefully.
She smiled reassuringly. She just needs time. Perhaps some space between the two of you will
get you guys to look at things differently?
I shrugged, not understanding what she was saying and too drunk to give a shit. I had a few more
drinks, and then I must have passed out or something.
I woke up the next morning in a strange room. Lilys spare bedroom. She had already left for
work, but she left a note.
Hey Gabriel, theres some hangover food in the fridge. Just chill and watch some TV, while I
go talk to Angel. Everythings going to be AOK! See ya! Lily.
Too hung-over to care that I may be in trouble with Angel for sleeping at her friends, I looked
around me. What an apartment! Split level, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms with a gourmet kitchen and a
huge balcony. I knew that she was divorced a few years now, with no kids and I knew she lived
alone. Like Angel, she was just a medical technologist so it boggled my mind as to how she could
afford this ultra-modern, stylish apartment. Maybe she had rich folks, a great divorce settlement,
whatever.
I couldnt find my cell phone so I didnt call Angel. Must have lost it while I was drunk or left it
at the bar. Shit! A few hours later, bleary-eyed, I left the apartment and walked home, which was
luckily only a five minute walk.
***
Angel looked relieved to see me. Whereve you been, Gabriel?
Out! I barked. Obviously she had not spoken to Lily.
She backed off and left me alone.
I crawled into my bed and slept some more. When I woke up, I ate the dinner she had made me
in front of my small TV.
Later on that afternoon, she approached me. Can you watch the kids while I go out?
Yeah, yeah! I said absentmindedly, focusing on Bruce Willis wreaking havoc on my small TV
screen and making a mental note to buy a real TV tomorrow.
A short while later, Angel popped her head around me door to tell me she was leaving.
Okay, I said, glancing briefly at her. Then I did a double-take when I saw how she was
dressed. Short denim skirt that looked more like a belt, tight tank top that looked like she was poured
into it, cropped leather boots, hair long and straight and looking twenty. What the fuck?
When did she lose all that weight? How the fuck did she get to look so good when our world had
been falling apart around us? How dare she focus on her looks right now when we have crises on our
hands?
Where you going dressed like that? I asked suspiciously, hitting the pause button on my
remote.
Out, she said briefly and walked to the bathroom, where she fixed her lipstick and fiddle with
her already perfect hair. I followed her and stood at the door watching.
Indiana rushed up to her. Mommy, you look so pruuuty! she gushed. You dont look like a
mommy at all!
Why, thank you baby, Angel said and gave her an air kiss, so as not to ruin her make-up. Then
she stiffened for a moment and listened for the sound of a car. She was being picked up. By whom? A
girlfriend?
I waited for the person to ring the doorbell, but Angel opened the door and hastily left, so I
didnt get to see the person.
Why? Why did she almost run out? What was she hiding? It better not be a guy, I thought, furious
at the notion of Angel dating.
Disconcerted, I no longer had any interest in Bruce Willis, so I turned off the TV and put the kids
to sleep. Then I sat up and waited for her.
Around three AM, I heard a car in my driveway. I was at the window in a flash, hiding in the
dark and peering out the window. I didnt want her to know that I was spying on her, so I was careful.
I peered at the car. It was a black 911 Carerrra. The same car I drove. Hang on a second, its
usually guys who drive Porsche, I thought. A guy!
She went out on a date. You cannot be serious!
Then, to my absolute horror, I watched Dickhead, Dr Wayne Stickler, step out of the car and
swagger around to open the car door for my wife. WHAT THE FUCK?!
Immediately, I felt my blood pressure skyrocket and I was ready to combust. Then he began
walking her to the door. She was dating again! My wife was seeing another man. An ex-boyfriend!
And worse, he was the biggest asshole around and we hated each other.
How dare she? We were still married, living in the same house, and she could just move on like
that? The fucking nerve of the woman! Fury overcame me and I wanted to fuck the shit out of him and
her. I could you know. I was built, and I was strong. I could do an OJ and I could get away with it too.
Unlike OJ, I wouldnt be dumb enough to leave a glove around.
They were at the door and I could hear her soft laughter. Bitch! Bastard! Fuckers!
I thought about my gun in my safe and began crawling on all fours for it, so as not to be spotted
by them. Then, as I passed my kids bedrooms, I saw them sleeping and I stopped. This was crazy.
Im going nuts here. I cheated on her first so she has the right to date.
Look at me spying on my wife in the dark at 3 AM. Im losing it big time.
Quickly, I crawled to my room, slipped into bed and pretended I was sleeping, all the while
waiting for the sound of her entering the house. There was none. Were they making out outside my
front door? I jerked into upright position and thought about my gun again. The thought of her kissing
another man, drove me insane. The thought of her kissing and making out with him he would be
touching her breasts and she would be sighing with pleasure. He would run his hands over her ass,
then cup them
Enraged, I hopped out of bed, ready to barge outside and kick the shit out of him. But again I
forced myself to stop. Angel scared easily, I knew that and I would lose her for sure if I did lose my
temper. Get a grip Sloan, I urged. After all, shes hurt and shes just acting out.
I heard the front door open and I relaxed a little. Just a little, before I tensed again, when I
thought about him coming in for a nightcap.
Motherfucker! He wouldnt dare. A nightcap meant sex. I knew that for a fact. That was never
going to happen here. I thought about the gun again.
Too noisy. Then I looked at the baseball bat lying next to my bed, which I kept for protection.
Now was as good a time as any, I reasoned, and picked it up. But I didnt have to use it, because
luckily, I heard his car drive off. I raced to my window to see if it really was him driving away. It
was him alright. Heaving a sigh of relief I backed away from the window. Then I roughed up my hair
and staggered into the lounge.
That you, Angel? I asked, in what I hoped was a sleepy voice.
Yeah, she whispered. Sorry. Didnt mean to wake you up.
Its okay. I faked a yawn and for good measure scratched my balls, sizing her up in the dimly
lit room, looking for signs of her having her having had sex with the bastard. Her clothes looked
intact. No sex hair. Lipstick still on.
Well, goodnight, she whispered, removing her boots and tiptoeing to her bedroom. She looked
so sexy tonight and I shuddered with revulsion at the mere thought of the two of them in bed together.
Finally, I ambled to my cold, uninviting bed where I lay and fantasized about killing Dickhead.
First with a chainsaw. Imagine his face when he sees it alive in my hands. Hope you can run
motherfucker!
Then with a crossbow. One or two lessons, thats all I need and Ill be as good as William Tell.
Then I would drown him, just hold his motherfucking head under water while he thrashes around
and gurgles for me to spare his life.
Then I would slap a bag over his head and hot-wire his nuts, Abu Ghraib style, till he screams
and promises never to contact Angel again, never to utter her name and never to drive the same car I
drive.
With all my murder options zipping like Formula One racing in my head, I lie awake for hours.
But when I finally fall asleep, its with a smile on my face.

8 Years Ago
I was working nights as a barman at Cocktailtopia, when I first spotted her. Slim, pretty, with
long brown hair that curled at her waist, huge, sparkling, hazel eyes. Even though she didnt dress hot
like a lot of the girls around there, she stood out. A class act just by the way she carried herself.
I would have liked to get to know her, but frankly, I didnt think I stood a chance. She was
always with a flashy jerk called Wayne. He threw money around like confetti in front of her,
obviously to impress, but he never tipped.
Anyway she never noticed me. I was just a bartender, the invisible, but necessary help. Until one
day, I was leaving the club around 3 AM with Charlie, when I noticed her and Wayne being rolled by
a bunch of thugs.
Since both Charlie and I previously moonlit as club bouncers, we immediately stepped in and
literally fought of the guys.
Get her out of here! I shouted to her date, who stood frozen like an ice sculpture with clothes
on. He grabbed her arm and they ran to his Mercedes. During that fight, I lost a valuable law textbook
and I was pissed off about it.
See, I was juggling work and law school and struggling to get enough time to complete
assignments and stuff, so I carted my books around and caught up with school work, during breaks,
and whenever I could. Charlie and I searched for that book but we couldnt find it.
Two days later, she entered Cocktailtopia sat down at the bar and smiled at me. Hi.
Hi! I said, trying to act cool. Whats your pleasure?
First, she said, smiling cutely and taking my breath away, I wanted to say thank you and
return this.
MY TEXTBOOK! I shouted with joy, accepting it from her. I thought I lost that baby. Thanks,
man.
Youre welcome.
And just for that, lemmee me buy you a drink. I fixed her a Tequila Sunrise, which I knew was
her favorite drink.
Wow! Lets see, you save me from the bad guys and you buy me my favorite drink too. Am I
lucky or what? She cocked her head to one side and smiled at me and for a moment, I forgot how to
breathe.
I finally shrugged, trying to appear cool.
Somehow, with all those tattoos, I didnt figure you out for a law student.
I glanced at the tattoos on both my arms and shrugged. What would you have figured me out
for?
A mobster.
What? Not sure if I should take that as a compliment or an insult.
She giggled, a cute girly giggle. Kidding!
So, you dont like tats?
Oh, not sure if I like them. Theyre kinda scary but Im fascinated with them at the same time.
Ah.
Bet you have like a cute little butterfly somewhere around. A pink one?
I smiled. Yes. And one of Barbie too.
We both laughed at that.
Waiting for your boyfriend? I enquired.
She shook her head. Hes not really my boyfriend, she said, looking at me over her glass.
Yipeeeeee!
I nodded several times. Im kinda glad, cos he cant fight for shit.
She laughed.
I mean it. Hes way too much of a sissy for you.
Whats your name? she asked, under her entrancing eye lashes.
Gabriel.
Gaaaabriel, she mused. Like the Angel Gabriel?
Yup, like the angel, I said, thinking about my mom. She always talked about angels and the good
that they did. Whats yours?
Angelina.
Angeliiina. Anyone call you Angel?
Not real...
Can I?
Sure, she smiled.
Then Im gonna need your number.
Thats the worst pick up line Ive ever heard, she grinned, But itll do. She wrote her
number on a serviette and pushed it over to me. Hey, I was just as stunned as you. I mean, I didnt
think this chick would ever look my way, but here she was, giving me her phone number. I could
barely hide my excitement. Wait till I tell Charlie.
Where did you learn to fight like that?
From my sister. She used to beat me up all the time.
She laughed again.
Nah, Im kidding. Dont have a sister.
You an only child?
Nope. That was my brother Charlie that night. How bout you? Got any siblings?
She held up two fingers. A brother and a sister.
Cool. We made small talk then she took my number and said goodbye.
The next day, I tried calling her but to my disappointment, there was no answer. I didnt leave a
message. When she didnt call back, I figured she didnt really want to talk to me. Bitch!
The next time I saw her she was with Wayne Stickler. I nodded a greeting then ignored her.
Stickler was with a bunch of guys with sweaters around their necks and he was being an asshole
again. The dickhead never thanked me for helping him out that night or even acknowledged me.
Hey Wayne, Angel said. You remember Gabriel? He helped us out that night?
Ah yeah, the bouncer, Stickler said, looking me up and down.
Hes not a bouncer, Angel said and elbowed him. Hes a law student slash bartender, right
Gabe? The way she uttered my name made me weak in the knees.
Something like that, I said and smiled at her.
Stickler looked distastefully at my arms. Really, with all those tattoos? He put his arm around
her and drew her close, in a marking-his-territory move. After a while he literally turned her away
from me.
But dont worry, I paid him back by spitting in his drink.
Fix me a martini, will you, he flung as he walked off to the gents.
The moment he was out of sight, Angel spun around to talk to me. Sorry.
Why you with an asshole like that?
Hes not that bad.
Oh yes, he is. But dont worry, I spit in his drinks.
What?! she half laughed half gasped. Thats thats terrible.
You gave me the wrong number, I said accusingly.
I didnt, she said. Someone pinched my purse that night and I lost my phone.
Aw cmon!
Its true, honest! She put her hand on her heart.
Youre always getting into trouble, you know that?
She smiled and shrugged her pretty, tanned shoulders. Tonight she was wearing one of those tops
that didnt have straps and her shoulders were smooth and pretty. I would have liked nothing better
than to lean over and kiss them. Then her.
You need a bodyguard, I said.
Yeah, right. So, what will it take for you to stop? She nodded towards his martini I was fixing.
Dump him, I responded.
And who will I date then?
Me! Me! Me! I scratched my chin, locking eyes with her. Me? The moment I uttered those
words, I regretted it. I wasnt one to handle rejection easily. Sorry, I quickly added. Im just
kidding.
Okay then, she said. Take me out on Friday night.
After I got over my shock, I smiled, totally thrilled with my scoring, wondering how the hell I
was going to pay for that date. If you insist. Friday night then!
Then I remembered it was Debbies birthday on Friday and we were having a dinner party at her
house. Shit! I cursed.
What?
Can we make it Saturday? Please?
No! She slid off her seat.
Aaawww, cmon! Id never had a girl break a date with me before so I was stumped.
She narrowed her lovely eyes at me. Why? You have another date?
No!
Bet you do.
Bet I dont.
You have quite a rep with women.
I squinted at her. I do?
It precedes you, you know.
It does?
She nodded but she didnt seem mad or anything.
I put down the glasses in my hand and rested both palms on the counter. Looking directly at her, I
said, Its like this my brothers girlfriend Debbie its her birthday on Friday and were having
dinner at her house, so
Mm. She stood with both hands on her hips and mulled over my dilemma. Lets see its
your brothers girlfriends birthday. Not your brothers birthday, but his girlfriends?
Yeeeah ...
And for that, youd break a date with me?
When you put it like that, Angel, it sounds really bad, but shes like a sister to me, you know
and like, I really like her and I cant do that to her.
She stared at me for a long time and I wished I knew what was running through her pretty little
head.
Take me to your brothers girlfriends birthday dinner then.
I opened my mouth to protest, to tell her that she wouldnt like it and that it was nothing special
and that its not a first date scenario and that Charlie and Debbie will embarrass me with stories
about me that I absolutely didnt want her to hear.
Pick me up at seven. Ill text you the address.
I sighed inwardly. Okay.
You dont have my phone number, anymore, I quickly pointed out.
Youre gonna give it to me, she said smoothly.
This broad has spunk. I liked that. Smiling from ear to ear, I wrote it down and gave it to her.
Now, you keep that somewhere safe, I said. Dont wanna hear you lost it again.
She thought about it for a second, then slipped it into her bra.
My grin widened and I found myself wishing I was that bit of paper.
That safe enough for you? she asked saucily.
You betcha! I chuckled. See you Friday at seven and dont forget to dump the asshole!
She laughed and walked towards Wayne who was approaching. While she walked, I checked out
her ass. It was truly a great ass and I immediately made a mental note to buy some arsenic to put into
dickheads drink. Have to get him out of the picture.
***
Friday took ages to arrive. I showered and shampooed and shaved and panicked like a girl,
wanting to really impress her. My Ford, which was dubbed my Fuckmobile, had fallen out of Noahs
ark but it got me around and it got me laid. I scrubbed it and tried to make it gleam for her.
Finally, I drove to pick her up. When I located her address, I was stunned. Her house was a
fucking mansion! I had to press a buzzer and announce myself before huge Pearly gate like gates
swung open to let me in. As I drove along, I began to have second thoughts about going out with her.
Maybe I should just call her and tell her that I was ill and couldnt make it?
When I saw the Jag and the two convertible Mercs in her driveway, I knew there was no way I
could possibly take her in my jalopy. It would be plain embarrassing.
In a daze, I parked the car and got out. As I hesitantly walked to the front door, I practiced my
excuses.
My brother fell and broke his assbone so I have to take him to the emergency room.
I have finals tomorrow, which they only told us about an hour ago and yes, we write exams on
a Saturday.
Debbie did Dallas and now
My thoughts were interrupted when the door swung open and I stared into the face of one of
Miamis wealthiest assholes, Harvey Lawson. I hated this fucker with a passion but Ill tell you about
him later.
Deliveries that way. He jerked his head towards the side of the house.
Eh, good evening, Im here to pick up Angel, I heard myself say. So much for all the excuses I
worked on.
He looked at me as if I had just told him that I was his long-lost son from the whore he porked in
Amsterdam. Then he glanced behind me and spotted my jalopy. His lips twisted into a sneer. We
dont have anyone by that name here.
I frowned. Angelina?
We have an Angelina, he said with an air of superiority. Wait here. He shut the door on my face
and left me standing outside.
Feeling every bit the second-class citizen I was, I shifted in my worn-out shoes and braced
myself for Angels disappointment when she saw my car.
He treated me that way because I didnt have money, I thought. I had goals and dreams and
ambition and I worked my ass off to make it in life, but all that didnt count with him. Its what I
drove and where I lived, I guess.
When the door opened again and I caught a glimpse of Angel, all my doubts about her, about us,
vanished. She just took my breath away. Looking as lovely as ever and under the watchful eye of her
asshole father, she glided down the spiral staircase and ran to meet me. But even though she was
smiling, I saw the flicker of nervousness in her eyes she was obviously worried about her fathers
reaction to me.
Gabriel Sloan, meet my father, Harvey Lawson.
He gave a slight nod but didnt stick out of his hand.
Pleased to meet you, Sir, I said.
Anyway, we were soon walking to my car. I held my breath, waiting for her to recoil when she
saw it and invent some excuse as to why we should take a cab there, but she didnt. Breathing a sigh
of relief, I drove off the Debbie and Charlies.
I brought a gift for her, Angel said and waved a beautifully wrapped present at me.
Did you bring one for me too? It was my birthday last year.
She playfully elbowed me in the solar plexus and I doubled over in pain.
I introduced Angel to Debbie. Debbie was a Jersey girl big hair, big eyelashes, a ton of make-
up and a loudmouth. She wasnt very educated and had a distinct accent, but she was funny and light-
hearted and very nurturing and I loved her to bits. I so wanted Angel to like her but I worried that they
were so different. I neednt have Angels mother was from Jersey, so they got on fabulously and
were soon talking spray tans and make-up and Debbie showed Angel the proper way to do a beehive.
I decided not to tell Charlie who Angel really was as I didnt want to spoil the evening. Already
he seemed a little intimidated by her.
Angel was a great guest and she got on with everyone so much so that they invited her back. That
was good, because Debbie never invited any of my other dates back, using the words, skank and
whore when she complained about them not helping her with the dishes.
Angel helped with everything, to my surprise. She just fit. That was good, because by the end of
the evening, I was head-over-heels in love with her.
In a way she was similar to Debbie she was simple, funny and a real smart-ass and took no
crap from me, which I found refreshing. But she wasnt loud. If you didnt know Angel you could
mistake her for a snob. But she was just shy. Which I found appealing.
I found out that she liked sushi, shopping and was studying to be a medical technologist.
When I finally drove her home, I got a light peck on the cheek and that really threw me. I never
had a light peck on the cheek before. Chicks usually put out on the first date but evidently not Angel. .
Thats it? I asked, grabbing her arm.
Pretty much, she laughed and took back her arm.
Now I wanted to marry this girl. Nobody girl says No to Gabriel Sloan. It was how it was.
***
WHAT?! Charlie looked mortified.
Relax, its okay, I said.
How can it be okay, Gabe? Its Harvey Lawson, for fucks sake!
Shes not like him, I protested. You met her.
It dont matter, Gabe. That man will make your life a living hell for even daring to go out with
his daughter. He looked so upset and even hurt that I felt bad.
Okay! Okay! Ill end it.
Big fat lie because I was seeing Angel that evening. We had been seeing each other just about
every day. I took on a third job, saved every penny I had to take her out and tried my best to keep up
with the Wayne Sticklers of the world. I did that not only because I was shallow and had low self-
esteem, but because I also liked this bird.
What I liked most about Angel was the thing that frustrated me the most she wouldnt put out. I
was confused - all my other girlfriends put out easily. What the fuck was her problem?
I need to know you before I go there, she said.
So know me ask away, I said, pawing her.
She just laughed and pushed me off her.
Needless to say, I suffered intense sexual frustration due to her withholding. But she really dug
me, I could tell, and that in itself left me bewildered, but happy. In fact, I was really happy at that
stage in my life. With her by my side, I felt invincible.
Charlie saw me struggling with money and frowned. You seeing that Lawson bird, arent you?
Charlie I sighed.
Shes high-maintenance, Gabe. Youre asking for trouble.
He was right, she was high-maintenance but I refused to dump her. Instead, I purchased hot
credit cards from some sleazy guy from campus and bought a late model BMW, took her to fancy
restaurants and bought her gifts.
I wanna marry her, Charlie. I said quietly.
Dream on, brother, he said. And I did.
Then a month later, Angel with met me, her face puffy and her eyes red.
Whats wrong, baby? I asked frowning. Have you been crying?
Gabe, she said, avoiding my eyes, Gabe, its my dadIm sorry, Gabe, but She took a
deep breath, I cantI cant see you again.
What? I felt like I was in an elevator that was falling, crashing. Why?
She started to cry. HeIm so sorry, GabeIts for the best, hes right. She sounded unsure,
unhappy and so broken that in spite of the fact that she was dumping me, I wanted to take her in my
arms and hold her tell her that everything was going to be okay.
Because I dont have money, right Angel? I couldnt disguise the bitterness in my voice.
Gabe, hes my father. Im not strong enough to fight him, Gabe.
Now I told you, I dont take rejection lightly, so instead of trying to convince her to be with me
and telling her how much I dug her, I took a deep breath and said, Hey, its no sweat, Im cool with
it, Angelina.
Gabe Im She was sobbing now.
See you around Angelina and good luck, I guess. Quickly, before the half smile on my face
died, I scurried off, the elevator crashing.
It was in no way cool by me. I had just been dumped by an uptown girl whose father thought
she can do better. Somewhere deep down, she must agree with him. Maybe it was my car, I thought
looking scornfully at the BMW I was recently so proud of. Or maybe it was my lousy, cheap, off-the-
rack clothes. Maybeaw fuck! Why the hell werent my parents rich like hers? Why didnt they leave
us dough when they died? Fucking losers! And who the fuck listens to their father in this day and age?
Now I wanted to call her and tell her off.
Then I wanted to call her and beg her to come back. Then I wanted to drive up to Henry
Lawsons house, grab a tire-iron and beat the shit out of him.
But my pride got the better of me and I did nothing. I got home, donned on my running gear and
ran for an hour.
I moped around for a couple of days and I think Charlie caught on.
Unable to concentrate, I skipped lectures and lay in bed in the middle of the day, staring at the
ceiling thinking about Angel. I missed her so much, it hurt.
Debbie and Charlie walked in and stood by the doorway. I knew Charlie was going to say, I
told you so and I really wasnt in the mood to hear that right now.
But Debbie walked in and took me in her arms. She kissed my forehead and said, Shell come
back, Gabe. Trust me.
I so much wanted to believe Debbie.
Ive seen the way she looks at you, shes smitten. But true love never runs smoothly, Gabe,
never. Have to be strong. Have to overcome the ...the whatyoucallit? She looked up at Charlie for
help.
Obstacle course, he muttered.
Yeah, the Obstacle course.
In spite of my low mood, I smiled and got out of bed. Gotta take a leak, I said, pushing past
Charlie, eager to get away before he said, I told you so.
Come here! Charlie said, opening his arms to me.
Charlie, I gotta take a
But Charlie grabbed me and gave me a big hug. Karmas a bitch, bro. Shes mean.
We all chuckled. It was payback for all the girls I messed around.
I told you it would happen someday. Good ol Charlie always came through.
Son-of-a-bitch.
***
I still missed Angel. I missed her voice, the way she laughed, her scent, her sassiness, the way
she touched me, her kisses, the way she felt in my arms and most of all, the way she said my name.
She called me Gabey baby. The only other person who called me that was my late mother.
A month later, I saw her at Cocktailtopia. She was with Sticker. Fuck!
The pain of seeing them both together was superseded only by the fact that they were in the
company of both her mother and her father.
Obviously her father approved of Stickler and not me, I thought as bitterness welled inside me.
I avoided them like the plague, but I could see Stickler and her father looking at me and
whispering. Mother fuckers! Didnt they realize I saved Angel and Sticklers ass once? Fucking
cunts!
I could feel Angel looking at me but I avoided her eyes. I just couldnt look at her and give
myself away. Luckily for me, I was surrounded by girls all the time at the pub, so I was able to
pretend that I was indifferent and had my hands full and just didnt have the time to care about some
daddys girls who couldnt think for herself.
But seeing her and Stickler together unhinged me and to avoid that happening again, I ran. I quit
Cocktailtopia and got a job in another club called Sloth!
In a further attempt to forget her, I dated a series of loose and uninhibited girls. I had no problem
getting dates, but I really didnt want them. When I was with them, all I could only think of was
Angel, who didnt want me.
Out of reach, thats what she was.
About three months later, I came face-to-face with her and Stickler at the Sloth. Fuck! Why the
hell did she chose to come here? When I caught her eye, I nodded briefly and walked away,
determined not to look back. But, unable to help myself, I turned back and saw her looking at me.
Our eyes met over her drink and I had difficulty looking away. So did she, it seemed, because
she held my gaze for a few moments. To me she looked sad. Stickler followed her eyes and saw us
looking at each other and they began arguing. Then she jumped out of her chair, turned and stormed
out of Sloth!
Stickler stayed, had about 10 drinks and glowered at me all the time. I wanted to slip him a fuzzy
and hand him over to some gays. Thinking about him being gang-raped, helped me get through the
night.
The next time Angel saw me, I was with Cecilia Hunter, a striking blonde with big tits and no
inhibitions whatsoever. Cecilia started kissing me and grabbing my ass in full view of Angel and
everybody else. I think Cecilia knew about Angel and me, so she was doing her best to cause shit.
Angel glared at me then turned away. But she kept looking at us so I had to assume she was
burning with jealously. That made me smile to myself. See how it feels, Angel? Burn bitch, burn!
A month later, I bumped into Angel at a house party. I was alone and she appeared to be alone,
but assuming Stickler was on his way, I wouldnt talk to her and avoided her, moving outside with a
group of guys.
Half an hour later, she sought me out. You gonna ignore me all evening?
I turned around and looked into her beautiful face. You talking to me, Ms. Lawson?
She rolled her eyes. For some reason, she was angry with me.
No Angelina, I said. Im just focusing all my energies on getting pissed. Talking to girls
man, it takes up energy, something I have a limited supply of these days, so Im careful to save it for
essentials like booze and sex.
Mff. She sat next to me.
Careful now, I warned, I just might molest you. I was in the mood to be offensive.
She shrugged, unfazed.
Wheres dickhead tonight?
His name is Wayne and hes got family commitments, she said.
Lucky me, I thought, feeling her warm thigh against mine.
Wheres the exhibitionist? she asked. The skank, Cecilia?
In a mental institution, I said, surprised that she even knew Cecelias name. We sat for a while
making small talk about crap. Well, she did all the talking, while I made offensive remarks about
everything she said. Talking to her was easy and in spite of my desire to be offensive, we laughed a
lot. I looked at her pretty face, thinking how much I dug her. It had been months but I still hadnt been
able to get her out of my mind. How the fuck do I get over her?
What? she asked. Why you looking at me like that? What are you thinking?
I couldnt very well tell her what I was thinking now, could I? So I came up with a less
embarrassing story. Well Angelina, Im thinking how the fuck do I drag you out of here, take you
to my shabby apartment and just fuck the daylights out of you? There it was out. Now she would
storm off and call me a jerk over her shoulder.
She stared hard at me, making me take several gulps of my warm beer.
You just do it, she answered quietly.
Did I hear correctly? Can you like repeat that please, Ms. Lawson? I think my eardrums are
pissed as well.
She stood up and I thought she was leaving. But she silently took my hand and led me towards
my car. Lets go to your apartment so you can fuck the daylights out of me, she said softly.
Words that I had longed to hear. I grabbed her and kissed her hard and long, sobering up in the
process and hoping to God it wasnt a pleasant dream. She kissed me back with such passion that I
felt she missed me. Somehow, between kisses we managed to get into the car and made out big time,
like we used to.
She was wild and wanton and I wanted to do her right there. But I pulled away, started my car
and sped to my apartment, hoping I didnt get pulled over for drunk diving. We raced up the stairs and
fell into my bed laughing. Then we kissed some more while I removed her panties and almost ripped
off her bra. Naked, we held each other and for a moment or two, basked in each other. Everything
about her was beautiful, her hair, her face, her naked breasts, her silky thighs wrapped around my
waist. Everything. Finally, I fucked Harvey Lawsons daughter in my single bed, in a two bedroom
apartment that I shared with two other guys. It was the best sex I had ever and I had no idea she could
be so wild in bed. I loved it.
I loved her.
She stayed for two days, refusing to go home or take Sticklers calls.
Your Dads gonna have me killed for fucking you, I said gently, planting light kisses all over
her lovely face and wishing she could be mine forever.
In that case, fuck me again before you die, she said, pushing me back and straddling my
erection, her breasts swinging delightfully over my face. I like it a lot.
I obliged, in case I died tonight. We didnt leave the apartment for those two days; we just
stayed in each others arms and ordered take out. With her next to me, I was complete again.
I didnt want her to leave, knowing there was a possibility she would never come back, but I
could do nothing about it so I reluctantly drove her back to the party house to fetch her car. We took a
long time saying goodbye and I was sad.
I love you Angel, I whispered, cradling her face and kissing her several times. As I said, there
was a chance I would never see her again, so I needed her to know how I felt.
Her reply warmed my heart. I love you, Gabe, she said tearfully and rested her forehead on my
chest. With all my heart andIve never loved anyone like I love you. I think about you every single
day and I hate my father for doing this to me, Gabe. I love you so much and I wished I wished
youd fight for me. She was crying now.
Baby, I want to, but I cant give you anything right now, other than myself. Look what you drive
and look what I drive? I pointed to her BMW.
What makes you think I want more, Gabe? That I need anything other than you?
Baby
I wanted you to fight for me, to insist that we could work it out, to be prepared to do battle with
my father, Gabe. But you didnt. How could you not? She pushed me hard and I staggered back.
Now its too late. She got into her car and drove off.
What the hell did she mean by that? Was she getting married or something? Was she leaving
town?
Feeling emotionally drained and sad, I got into my car and drove home slowly.
***
I didnt hear or see her for a month and I was disappointed but I refused to call her for fear of
rejection. She had my number and she would call if she wanted to. But I thought about her all the time
and jumped each time my phone rang, praying it was her.
Then, out of the blue, she showed up at my apartment and spent the weekend with me. Her dad
was away on business so she could be with me. Even better news, she had broken up with Stickler. I
scooped her up and danced with her.
Im not letting you go, I warned. I will fight your father. I want you.
I love you Gabe, she said, and I want to be with you. But my dadyou dont know him.
Nobody says no to him. So we must like keep it like under the radar, you know I mean?
Ill take it, I said. As long as she loved me and as long as I could hold her in my arms, I didnt
care.
For about a year, we snuck around seeing each other in private. We snatched treasured moments
in the dark, whenever we got the chance. I loved her so much that I wanted to be with her all the time,
marry her, but I just couldnt afford her right now. What kind of a life could I give her? I would have
to get a full time job just to support us and give up on my dream to become a high-powered attorney.
But I loved her enough to actually consider it. Charlie would have been most disappointed if I had
done that because he quit school and held down three jobs to get me though law school.
She, on the other hand, had oodles of cash and unlimited credit cards and she spent lavishly on
me. I didnt like it and we fought about it all the time, but she continued anyway. She bought me shirts
and sweaters and shoes and all kinds of stuff that made me uneasy. But my protests fell on deaf ears
and she continued spending Harvey Lawsons money on me.
She loved me. That in itself was a miracle to me.
After years of struggling, I finally finished law school and started at Markham and Associates. I
showered Angel with gifts and spent every cent on her.
Now that I had a job and money, we no longer had to duck and dive and we went public with our
relationship. Her father was horrified and forbade her to see me. When she ignored him, he fired back
by sending three thugs who looked straight out of the set of Sopranos after me. And boy, did they
rough me up. I had a black eye, a busted lip, a sprained neck, a cracked rib and a mother of a limp.
Charlie was furious when he saw my injuries. The bastard! he cried, slamming his fist into his
palm. I will get him one day. He fucked with my baby brother one day Then he swiveled his
neck back to me. I told you this would happen.
I rolled my unaffected eye.
Angel just held me and cried her eyes out, saying that it was all her fault.
Bruised and battered, I asked her to marry me. She said yes, to my joy. Harvey could send more
thugs if he wanted to, but I was marrying his daughter.
But the rest of her family constantly badgered her to drop me, and that was what I feared most -
that the harassing would take its toll and that she would eventually get weary and one day just leave,
never to return. But luckily, my fears were unfounded - she didnt seem to care what they thought any
more.
It took four years before we got married. I refused to marry her until I was able to give her the
wedding she deserved. To ensure no expense was spared, I applied for five credit cards and gave
them all to her to use for the wedding. I wanted her to have the best even though I was getting heavily
in debt.
It was a huge, fairytale wedding and Angel looked like, well, an Angel. It would have been even
more beautiful had her family showed. But since she was not marrying money, like Wayne-mother-
fucking-Stickler, they refused to attend.
I hurt so much to know that she was hurting. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why was I not
good enough for them? But I felt even sadder for her when she pretended not to care and said that they
could go to hell, but I could tell she cried when I was not looking.
After the birth of our first child, Indiana, they somewhat thawed towards her, but not to me. But I
didnt care; I just wanted my Angel to be happy. She gave up her family for me and I loved her for
that and she was the one I wanted to grow old with. With her by my side, I could conquer anything.
Everything was peachy in our lives until my stupid, stupid tryst with Sinead.

Present Day
I woke up furious and in the mood to fight, events of last night, still playing vividly in my sleep
deprived mind. Dickhead had just entered my hit list, which was growing at an alarming rate. I was
going to kill Sinead, then dickhead, then Dr Margolis, then Sister Judy, then all the guys at Markham
and Associates, then Harvey Lawson. In that specific order.
As for Angel - how dare she move on so quickly? With him too? Doesnt she realize what I went
through to woo her away from him? On the threat scale, he scored a whopping ten. That pissed me off
something terrible. Crushed my already dented ego. Maybe thats why she had lost the weight so
quickly and was looking so lovely these days, I thought bitterly. She might be in love with the prick.
I barged into the main house, ready for the showdown. But she and the girls were nowhere in
sight. She did leave a note, though.
Took the girls for a picnic to West Rock Heads. Back at six.
The note was unsigned with none of the love hearts and kisses that usually appeared at the end. I
threw it aside in disgust.
Then I noticed her car was still in the driveway. Who the hell could she have gone with then?
Stickler? Fucking hell! I punched the table. He had muscled in on my vulnerable wife and now, he is
getting to my children, taking them to their favorite spot.
Furious, without so much as a thought, I got into my car and sped to West Heads, needing to put
my mind at ease. I was unable to focus on anything thus far and perhaps when I see her and my girls,
picnicking with maybe her friends or her family, Id heaved a sigh of relief and move on.
But to my horror, she was, not only with her father and mother, but also Stickler, picnicking with
them and having fun.
Harvey Lawson, the dog must be in his element now he hated me but he loved Wayne and now
he was probably relishing the idea of finally having him as a son-in-law. How could Angel sit so
close next to him with their thighs almost touching? How dare she disrespect me like that? What about
the top she was wearing? You could see the outline of her nipples. Fuck!
I watched Wayne get up, pick up Sydney and spin her around. She shrieked and cried, More!
More!
Angel and the rest of them watched with smiles on their faces.
To say I was crushed was putting it mildly. I felt empty, hollow and desolate. Never before had I
felt so alone and unloved. Slowly, I sat down on a boulder and hung my head in sorrow. This is what
heartbreak felt like.
My wife broke my heart. Because I never had a proper family when I was growing up, I always
wanted one. It was most important to me. She knew that, yet she was leaving and taking my children
with. How can I be expected to be whole again?
***
I found myself at the church again, seeking out Sister Judy.
She looked at me and snorted, and I smiled sheepishly. She glanced at the bag in my hand, then
looked inquiringly at me. I nodded meaningfully. Of course I knew what she was thinking: That better
be whisky in that bag or else...
As usual, she went through the usual ritual of asking me if I would like to talk about God and
stuff, and as usual, I went along, until we got the room and she locked the door. She reached into her
habit and handed me a joint, but I refused.
Not today, I said, to her surprise. But I will have this, I said, pouring us both a Scotch. She
stared at me then put her joint away.
No, go ahead, I said, but she wouldnt smoke it.
Hows things with FOX, she asked, eyeing me over the rim of her glass.
I gave a small smile. Today, I didnt feel like sparring with her - too down-in-the-dumps for that.
Im listening, Gabriel, she said, in a surprisingly caring voice.
Quietly, I off-loaded, told her about Stickler and Angels parents. When I was done, we drank in
silence for a while. But I felt better that I could speak to someone about my feelings. Someone who
wasnt going to judge Angel on her actions. No pun intended.
I think Ill have that weed now, I said.
With a nod, she brought it out and soon we were stoned again.
How old are you? I asked.
Three hundred.
I asked your age, not your weight.
She grinned. Lets remain enigmas to each other, she teased, regurgitating Sineads words to
me.
Dont you start that shit! I warned and she laughed.
What made you become a nun? I was curious about her. I mean, I think youd be so much
better at being a prison warden or public executioner or working as a hit man for Saddam Hussein.
Dont think I havent tried for those positions, she answered evenly. But being a womanit
worked gainst me. They feared I wouldnt be able to hang a man. They were so wrong!
I could never get a straight answer from her. How come I can never get a straight answer from
you?
Oookay, Ill tell you. She sighed. See, I put on a lot of weight and I couldnt get anything to fit
me. Then I rolled this nun for her habit and it was just so roomy inside and the rest is
Arrrgh! Forget it! I cried. Listen, I talked for more than an hour about the same things over
and over again shouldnt you have, like, some uplifting stories to tell me? Stories that will give me
hope and and the will to like, continue and all that stuff, huh?
She narrowed her eyes as she thought about it. I once knew a dude called Job. He lost
everything too. Then he got it all back tenfold.
I smiled wryly. You once knew? Its a story from the bible, I sneered. I know it already. I
went to Sunday School cos we got free food there.
Whateva! she said, sticking out her hand and turning her face away. Anyway, he lost it, he
suffered and then he got it back plus interest, if you know what I mean.
What has that got to do with me and my situation? I demanded. Youre lousy at this, you know
that?
She looked at me, took a sip of the whisky and then spoke. Okay then... There was this other
dude call Noah and he had to build a yacht.
Ark! I cried. Ark, not yacht! I know that biblical character and I know that story too.
She sat back and looked at me with raised eyebrows. Dudeyou seem to know all the dudes I
know. Fancy that huh? Do you by any chance know these dudes called Samson and Goliath? There
was a sling involved.
David and Goliath and you know what? I think I will see a proper counselor from now on. This
is just not working out. You have done nothing to guide me or counsel me or try to help me. In short,
you have wasted my time.
And time is something you dont have, considering you are gainfully employed right now, right?
Oh Im sorry, I forgot they fired your sorry ass!
You youre such a bitch!
So how exactly are you spending your time these days? Helping at soup kitchens? Volunteering
with cancer patients ?
Frustrated at her sarcasm, I stormed out again, drunk and stoned and vowing never to return to
the lady in the penguin suit.
***
I drove back to my cold and empty home and answered the ringing phone. It was Lily. I had lost
my cell phone so she had no way of contacting me, besides at home.
Im so glad you answered, she chirped and then invited me to a party on a yacht. Obviously,
she did not tell Angel that I had slept at her house. Somehow I didnt think Angel would appreciate
that.
So you coming or what?
Yes, I heard myself say. I was lonely and in need of a shipload of noisy drunken strangers to
talk shit to and just distract me. But first, I knew I needed to come clean with Lily even though I had
absolutely no intention of fucking her. She was just not my type. Besides I had learned my lesson
about giving in to temptation. In the past sleeping with strangers made you sick; today it could kill
you.
I arrived at her house a short while later to pick her up and my first words were, Damn needles,
I hate them! Did you know I had to have an AIDS test because of my dalliance in Hawaii? I tried
hard to keep my voice casual, then watched for signs of horror and recoil on her face.
Instead, I was most relieved to hear her chuckle and say, Thatll teach you to keep it in your
pants. Imagine if it were positive, eh?
I let out a chuckle, mainly out of relief that she could be so blas about it and assume it was
negative. I warmed towards her for being nice to me.
Yeah, but I gotta do another one in two months just to be on the safe side.
More needlesI sure hope it hurts, she laughed, stepping out of her apartment and grabbing
my arm.
The party was what I needed and expected - just a Booze Cruise. We got so wasted, we had to
leave behind my car and take a cab back to her place.
Stay the night, she urged. Youll have less explaining to do.
I grunted and allowed her to steer me into the spare bedroom, where I passed out.
The next morning, when I got up, even though she probably had one mother of a hangover like I
had, she had already taken a cab to the party house and fetched my car for me.
Thanks, I said, youre a star for thinking of everything. She really was the type to think of
everything and right now, she made my life so easy. She was also very understanding, and that got me
talking frankly about matters I wouldnt normally bring up with someone.
Shed call me up and say, Cmon, you sound so down, let me buy you a drink while you talk to
Dr Lily. Just unburden yourself. Ill pick you up so you dont have to drive.
Since Sister Judy wasnt much support and pretty much called me a wanker and since Angel
didnt want me anymore, I gravitated towards Lily.
Pretty soon, I was spending a lot of time with her. I guess I was lonely and she was single, so
that made it okay. But, as the days progressed, I began to wonder about certain things. The way shed
clasp my hand tightly in hers, the long hugs when we say goodbye, the way shed press up against me
during those hugs, it kind of bothered me. A voice inside of me whispered that she may want more
than just friendship. But thinking that I was being paranoid because she was just being warm and
affectionate, I stilled that voice. I did that mainly because I didnt want that and I had no intention of
giving in to any of that.
I mean, I was crying on her shoulder because I was losing Angel, whom I loved to death. She
knew that.
***
Much to my chagrin, Angel continued dating Stickler. I could do little about it, so I silently
seethed. But we had our first showdown when I drove up and saw his car parked outside my house.
Honeeeeeey, Im HOME! I roared, barging into my house and slamming the door shut.
Daddy! Daddy! my girls chorused and ran to me. Look what we got! they cried and showed
me their toys Dickhead had bought them.
Nice, I said, giving them hugs and wanting to shove those toys up dickheads ass. The bastard
was pulling out all stops to get to my family.
Angel approached me, a nervous look on her face. Hi.
I silently glared at her, furious at her bringing Stickler into my home.
Whereve you been? she whispered. Weve been worried about you.
She had a nerve he was in my home, with my wife and my daughters.
I spun around and walked to the bathroom to wash my hands. She followed me into it and closed
the door.
Really? Is that why youre dating again SO SOON? HUH?
Shhh! Whats the matter with you Gabriel? she cried.
Whats the matter with me? Whats the matter with YOU, ANGELINA? Why is fuckhead in my
home? Do you like break your ass bone and need him to fix it, huh? You couldnt wait to get back
with him, huh Angelina? HUH? Just reminisce about old times ?
It wasnt like that! she cried.
Well, whatever it was Angelina; youre free to do whatever the fuck you want to, but just get
him the FUCK OUT OF MY HOME!
Gabriel, why youre so rude? This is my house too! I dont need your permission to bring
someone home!
I gave her a dirty look, pushed past her and stormed into my den. She followed me there.
We have kids here, so you watch your language!
My body is not cold yet Angelina and your surname is still Sloan. So until all that changes; get
him the fuck OUT OF HERE!
She quickly went back into the lounge and shortly thereafter, I heard him drive off.
She returned to glare at me. You and I Gabriel were done! So who I go out with
Youre sleeping with him now? I asked, trying to sound mocking instead of angry.
Its none of your business!
Why am I surprised, huh? Look how youre dressed. I gestured to her short black skirt and
ribbed Tee. Youre cruising for it, eh? I dont blame you though; its almost three months since you
got laid. I was fast and furious with my insults and I waited for her to burst into tears and run off.
You must be climbing
What makes you think I waited three months? she asked in a calm voice.
That gave me temporary lockjaw. I never thought about her already having had sex with Sticker.
Now I realized with horror that she may have, and I wanted to throw something. At someone. I
stormed into my kitchen to get a drink.
She followed me to the kitchen. Youre such an asshole!
I ignored her, yanked opened the fridge, grabbed a beer and glared at her.
I dont give a shit who you fuck, just leave my kids out of it, I warned. And dont you ever
bring him in this house and fuck him. Just thinking about them fucking here, made me want to start my
chainsaw.
Fine, she said coldly. Ill do it in his bedroom, or his pool, or his kitchen.
I was boiling at the mental picture. Yeah? He might as well fuck the table, I said, slamming the
fridge door. Youre a lousy lay anyway.
Her face turned bright red and her ears stood out. YEAH? she hissed.
YEAH! I evened.
Well, let me tell you something Gabriel fucking Sloan: youre a lousy fuck too! You think
youre the only one thats had better? Wrong! The earth moved! Several times in one session and
Fury took over. Youre a slut! I yelled.
You bet I am now, she replied smoothly.
Overcome with anger and wanting to strangle her, I kicked a chair and stormed out of the house.
I drove aimlessly for a while, then to Charlies and lamented about Stickler and Angel. Debbie joined
us and listened in, clucking her tongue from time-to-time.
Shes going through hell right now, for Christs sakes, Gabe! Charlie pointed out. He loved
Angel and the thought of the two us no longer being together was something he had difficulty with.
Its not too late, he said grimly. Dont give up so easily. Anything thats worth fighting for you
know how it is; everyones fighting for it.
Yeah but
No buts Gabe. She chose you over him in the first place, right?
I looked at him.
Right?
I nodded surly. Right
Then bro, history, its got a way of repeating itself. Shell choose you again. Count on it. But
like, be patient, huh? Huh?
Yeah, Gabe, Debbie said. It dont matter how long it takes, you gotta give her time.
After giving them both hugs and thanking them for their advice, I headed back home.
When I returned home, she was asleep. The next day, without a word, she left the kids with me
and headed for Iriss Hens party. I wondered if she got her lavender shoes.
***
Shortly after Angel left, I got a call from a hysterical Iris. Apparently the Hens party was being
held at Lilys place and Angel had spotted some of my stuff lying around and confronted Lily, who
confirmed that I had spent nights at her place.
Angelina, Gabriel, she slapped Lily!
You kidding me!
Several times, Gabriel, Iris whispered. Better come quick!
I drove over to Debbie and briefly explained.
Dont worry, Ill watch the kids, she said.
Id better come with you, Charlie said. You may need help.
Charlie and I raced over to Lilys, unsure what to expect.
As we drove into the parking lot, we heard loud voices emanating from Lilys.
Alarmed by the shouting, Charlie and I ran up the stairs, not bothering to wait for the elevator,
bounded into the apartment and balked.
The sight that greeted us was so shocking, that for a moment, I wondered if I had already died
and was lucky enough to have gone to heaven. The room was filled with topless women; all beautiful,
all intoxicated and all proudly shaking their tits at each other. It was one of those Hens parties and
for a moment I had to accept that our bachelor parties, when compared to this Hens party, were sadly
lacking.
Charlie nudged me hard. I quickly forced myself out of my catatonic state and found myself red
with embarrassment. Quickly, I scanned the room for the offending two and located them. Angel, who
was wearing nothing but a G-string, had Lily backed into a corner and from time-to-time, was
slapping her around.
Angel! I shouted. What are you doing?
When she saw me, she lunged at me. How could you fuck my best friend, you asshole?
I grabbed her arms to prevent her from concussing me, while Charlie led Lily away.
Yeah, how could you do that, you sleazebag? some woman with double DD breasts and clad
only in sexy, lacy, silky, sheereh sorry, clad only in white panties said.
Angel was shouting above music at me but I had difficulty concentrating on what anyone was
saying because of the mammary-haven I was thrust into.
When I failed to provide Angel with an appropriate reply, she broke free of me and slapped me
across the face.
Easy there now! I said as I grabbed her flailing arms again and pinned her against the wall.
You go it all wrong theres nothing between the two of us.
Lily moved away from Charlie and stood behind me. I saw the bruises on her cheeks and felt bad
for her.
Let me go! Angel cried, trying to knee me in the groin.
Angel, I never slept with Lily, I protested. Ask her!
Fucking LIAR! she spat. You got mad because I was seeing Wayne, yet you spent TWO
nights with her and you even lent her your CAR! And you stand here and FUCKING LIE TO ME? I
had never seen Angel this wild and out of control and frankly, under different circumstances, her
standing in front of me topless and drunk and cursing like a truck driver would have been somewhat
cute and even sexy.
But tonight, even though she was drunk and almost naked, it was scary and I wanted it to end. I
mean the jealously may not have been such a bad thing if it made her realize that I wasnt going to just
hang around and wait for her, while she fooled around with Stickler, but it was more than jealously
and it could turn really ugly.
I slept in the spare bedroom, Angel.
Let me go! she slurred.
Ill release you if you promise to calm down, I said, relaxing my hold on her arms.
BULLSHIT you fucking male whore! she screamed and swung at me, while all the other
women cheered her on. With all the screaming and shouting, I wondered why nobody called the cops.
How much vodka did you drink?
One, she said. Not that its any of your fucking bus
One? One drink? I highly doubt
Bottle, fucking pisshead.
What?!
Just then, there was loud banging at the door. My worst fears were realized - the police had arrived in
full force. Charlie and I looked helplessly at each other.
Three cops stood at the door. Mean, sour-faced cops, who seemed annoyed, probably for being
interrupted while eating their doughnuts.
Weve had complaints from the neighbors, they stated, eyeing the topless women. What the
hell is going on here? One of the officers drew out his baton and began tapping it menacingly on his
palm.
Angel was still cursing and trying to swing at me.
Shit Angel, youre gonna be arrested if you dont shut up! I hissed, hoping that Lily would not
press charges, visions of Angel naked and in cuffs, being led away by police, running through my
mind. Calm down, will you?
I am not scared of these PUSSIES! Angel spat.
I quickly tried to cover her mouth with my hand.
Needless to say; they did not appreciate her adjectives of them, and one of them rattled a pair of
handcuffs at her. To my horror, Angel laughed and continued cursing and I knew that I had better do
something quickly. I released Angels arms and turned to the policemen.
Sorry officers, I said apologetically, the ladies mean no harm.
No harm? the officer scoffed. Theyre disturbing the peace. Especially that one over there.
He pointed to Angel.
Angel, instead of shutting her mouth, said, Fuck you!
Horrified, I quickly slapped my hand over my wifes mouth.
And I apologize officer. I really do. See, shes getting married, I said pointing to Iris, and
theyre just having a Hens night and I guess they got a little carried away
Someones getting married! the cop with the handcuff shrieked to the second cop.
Really? asked the second cop, his face lighting up like the Eiffel town on New Years Eve.
Then its time for us to PARTEEEEY! the third officer roared, and to my astonishment, all
three of the policemen literally ripped off their clothes and began dancing suggestively. The way
male strippers do.
What the fuck?! I looked at Charlie.
He threw both his hands out in front of him.
Feeling like a blundering idiot, I stared with shock and disbelief as the women laughed their
inebriated heads off at me.
Suddenly the music was blaring, the lights were dimmed and the strippers were prancing about
in G-strings. I watch with a mixture of disbelief and revulsion as the women joined in the frenzy of
gyrating and thrusting. Luckily for me, my wife was choosy and level headed and educated and
discerning and essentially, not that easily taken in, I thought.
When I next looked at Angel, what I saw put paid to that thought. Both Angel and Lily forgot all
about their fighting and joined the already enthralled women scrambling for their purses and began
waving money to the strippers.
They were actually going to insert money into their G-strings. Actually touch their naked flesh
and touch some of that that sweat. Yuk! Revulsion ripped through me. Shocked and confused with
my wifes fascination with rolled up socks, I grabbed Charlies arm and we literally ran out of the
apartment.
Never in my life, had I witnessed anything like this before and I had so many questions: why
didnt I choose a cell phone with more than a five mega pixel camera? How could any women be so
fascinated and taken in by oiled biceps, a six pack and rolled up socks? Just how much of my money
was my wife going to give these three strippers tonight? Are these strippers aware that it is illegal to
impersonate a police officer? So many questions
Charlie was staring at me, broken sob-like sounds emanating from his lips.
What? What?
He guffaws and slaps the dashboard. Should have seen your face.
Aaawww fuck off! I said embarrassed. I was scared, okay? Fuck! Angel shes like fucking
crazy.
Charlie laughed harder. Wait till I tell Debbie.
Realizing he didnt have his seatbelt on, I braked hard. When his head almost hit the windscreen,
his laughter somewhat subsided.
Yeah, wait till Debbie hears you frisked Lilys naked body.
He stopped putting on his seatbelt and looked at me, pie-hole agape, a I-did-no-such-thing! look
on his mug.
Funny, I thought I saw you do.
I will kick your fucking ass you do that! Charlie warned. Dont you dare do that, Gabe. His
eyebrows became one as he glared at me. Gabe, Im warning
Shit scared of Debbie, are we, bro? Huh? Youre a biker and all that shit but youre such a
pussy when it comes to Debbie, right? Huh, tough cunt?
Gabe, I promise you, I will fuck the shit out of you, if you pull shit like that.
Yeah, Charlie would and could kick the shit out of me, for sure. Relax, you cocksucker, I
finally said. Im not gonna say shit.
Men are such pussies, its unfuckingbelievable.
Flabbergasted and in need of some alcoholic beverage that boasted more than sixty percent
alcohol, we drove to a bar. After three such beverages in ten minutes, I calmed down and became
rational and even sensible again, the questions in my mind finally turning serious. What if it wasnt
rolled up socks?
Who said that only men went nuts for strippers? Boy, were they wrong!
Well, at least I had Angel out of my hair. She would probably be hung over and even sheepish
the next day and I would look at her with accusing eyes, but say little, and she would then realize that
it was better to just shut up and silently nurse a hangover with just bacon, eggs, chili sauce and diet
coke, rather than face my accusations and chastisements and barrage of brochures from Betty Ford.
***
Well, I was wrong. The next day, I woke up, not to the smell of bacon and eggs and spicy beef
sausage; but to a disheveled, raging shrew, with panda-eyes, who threatened to use the baseball bat in
her hand to panel beat my precious Porsche because I slept with her friend.
For a while I just prayed she wouldnt, but dared not try to remove the bat from her hand, as I
valued my ribcage.
She raged and I prayed, she accused and I excused, and then to my relief, she suddenly felt the
need to retire to bed. Just like that, she dropped the bat and I smiled with relief and spat out the
antacid in my mouth.
All is good. Peace surrounds me, I mantrad, as I sat down to de-stress by watching re-runs of
little house on the Prairie, or was it Bonanza?
Didnt matter. All that mattered was that my Porsche remained intact with its original paint-job.
I hid the baseball bat behind a Louis 1V dining chair.
But my happiness was short lived. She woke up hours later and emerged angrier, meaner and
more abusive than before and I quivered in my Salvadors.
On and on she ranted; repeating the same things over and over again. I made the mistake of
rolling my eyes to the ceiling at something she said.
Dont you do that! she screamed and scanned the room for the baseball bat. Ddont you
E...EVER roll your eeyes at mme Gabriel SSloan!
Immediately, I looked meekly at her, fighting the urge to even blink after that.
Youd think that she would have stopped cursing and yelling now that she started hiccupping, but
no; she took a sip of the water I handed her and continued like a banshee.
Im nnot done with hher! she threatened between hiccups. What sshe goteh
yesterday? Llast night? Well She paused, trying to remember what day it was.
Yeah thats right; alcohol is one of the leading causes of amnesia. Sleeping during the day threw
her off balance, I think.
Tuesday, I murmured, unable to help myself.
Tuessaay! What she got Tuessaay, was just a ssmall dose of Suddenly she stopped and
narrowed her panda-eyes at me. Then she stepped into the kitchen and peered at a calendar on the
fridge. With a frown, she looked at the wall clock, then at me and I knew I was in deep shit.
She grabbed a butcher knife from a block on the kitchen table and advanced threateningly. You
fucking making ffun of me?
NO Angel! I staggered back.
Messing with my bbrain? Huh?
No! No, no!
It wnt tuessaay, it was Suunday you dumb ffffuck!
Well, with all that, she still got it wrong. It was Saturday. Ha!
With her eyes fixed to my face, she paused to take a violent swig of water then slammed the
glass on the table as if she just took a shot of Tequila. Slowly, she wiped her mouth with the back of
her hand.
Whenever! she continued furiously. What she ggot, was just a small ddose of whats
coming her wway! I trusted her and I confided in that bbbitch and what did sheddo?
She paused for so long, I looked at her wondered if it was a rhetorical question or if I was
supposed to furnish her with an answer. Frankly, with all the hiccupping, I couldnt even remember
the question. After a while, and in view of the knife in her hand, I decided to err on the side of caution
and proffer a vague mumble.
Luckily, she spewed out the answer, before I could put my other foot in my mouth. Now, I could
easily have made suggestions to ease the hiccups, like, I could have asked her to hold her breath, or to
think of the last Amex bill, or lie that the AIDS test was actually positiveall those things that were
sure to shock the hiccups away. But at that moment, I really and desperately preferred that she
struggle to speak.
She used that information to wedge herself into our MARRIAGE! And YOU encouraged her,
you slimy bastard! Well, the hiccupping had eased for sure.
Thats not true, I said quietly and I sure as hell meant it.
That is soooo not right Gabriel, she said, her bottom lip quivering. She threw the knife down
and lowered herself into a chair, in full view of the baseball bat I hid earlier on.
My blood drained at the sight of her so close to the baseball bat.
How could you do that to me? Shes supposed to be myfriend, and youreyoure supposed
to be my husband?
Now look, I could very well have counter-attacked by bringing up Stickler and how quickly she
moved on, but both the baseball bat and the knife were within reach and frankly, I valued my balls,
my skull, my kidneys, so I said nothing. I was afraid she might pull a Lorena Bobbitt on me.
But seeing her so distraught made me try to bridge drunken waters.
Okay, look, I said gently, If it will make you happy, I will cut off all ties with her, okay?
And I did. I stopped talking to Lily and stopped going around there. I even avoided her calls.
Because, I hated to see Angel so hurt and I wanted to stop it right away. Her happiness really
mattered because I guess, she was mywell, everything!
***
The next week, I didnt see much of Dickhead. I wasnt sure why, but it pleased me. But Angel
was out of the house almost every day, and that really irked me. Some nights, she would leave the
kids with me and go out for the night, only to return after midnight. Id while away the hours
tormenting myself with images of them rolling between silk sheets, and plotting Sticklers gruesome
death.
Acid thats what I would use to dispose of his body. I would buy barrels of acid on the pretext
of cleaning my pool and then after I kill him, I would submerge his body in acid and that would be the
end of him. Angel would not be able to locate him and I would suggest something sinister, likewell,
like that he ran off with an orthopedic male nurse.
Somehow I would drill that into her vulnerable mind. Then she would be stunned that he could
do such a thing and seek comfort in my open arms and all would be well. Brilliant!
Now, if only I could work out logistics like; where the fuck do I buy barrels from? And, how the
hell do I buy barrels of acid without someone tipping off the authorities that I was probably planning
an acid crop-dusting of some sort?
Visions of the FBI with bullet proof vests outside my house, announcing on loudspeaker that they
have me surrounded and that I should come out with my hands on my head, make me rethink the use of
acid. For now.
I went to bed, racking my brain for another plan to get rid of the body, sans acid.

END OF BOOK ONE

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My Brother, My Rival (Book 2)

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Table of Contents
Copyright
July 1998
Present Day
Also by Eve Rabi: