Gasonga Jokes April 2003

Get Ready for another great selection of

Gasonga Jokes

April 2003 – Issue 8

Version: 1/00

Version date: April 2003

Collated by: http://gasonga.com/

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Gasonga Jokes April 2003

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Gasonga Jokes April 2003

Two attorneys

Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes
late. “Finally, I’m here” says the guy that’s arriving.
"What kept you?" asks his pal.
"I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire."
"A Coke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"
"No” he replies “the kid had it under his coat."

The truck and the tollbooth

A truck driver looses control of his vehicle and smashes straight into an empty
tollbooth. He climbs down from his cab to survey the wreckage and sees that the booth
is completely in bits. A couple of minutes latter a van pulls up with a clean up crew.

The workers pick up the tollbooth pieces, spread a creamy white substance on then and
then begin fitting them together. In less than an hour they have the tollbooth
reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" says the truck driver to the crew chief.

"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief replies, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

Fine Wine Rules

For Men: "Women are like fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating. As
they age they turn full-bodied and often go sour and vinegary, this usually leads to a
very bad headache."

Woman's Wine rule: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our
job to stomp on them. They are best kept in the dark until they mature into something
with which we'd like to have dinner."

The nudist colony

A married couple go to a nudist colony with their four-year-old son. The son asks, "Dad,
why do some men have big knobs and others little ones?"
The father, not wishing to get into a discussion, replies, "The Men with the big knobs are
smart and the Men with the little ones are dumb."
The little boy accepts the explanation and doesn’t ask any more questions.
A little while later the father is looking for his wife and can’t find her.
So he asks his son, “Do you know where mummy is?”
“Sure” replies the boy, "She's behind the bushes with this really dumb guy who is
getting smarter by the minute!"

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Gasonga Jokes April 2003

Guiding principles for life …

• Divorce is often on religious grounds. The wife thinks she’s God and you don’t!

• If you think you’ve got a handle on life, be careful it doesn’t brake!

• The definition of consciousness is the annoying times between naps and drinks.

• Remember Rehab is for Quitters.

• FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

• To discourage inbreeding so playing Country Music!

• HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken a lifetime commitment for a pig.

• All generalizations are false

• He who laughs last thinks slowest.

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

• Real women don't have hot flashes. They have power surges.

• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

• I have the body of a god: Buddha

• Duct tape is like the Force: it has a light side, a dark side and it binds the
Universe together

• If the Universe is expanding, why the hell can't I find a parking space?

• Never hit a man with glasses-use your fist!

• Trespassers will be shot and survivors will be shot again!

• Death to all fanatics!!

• A pessimist is never disappointed

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which did you do

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Gasonga Jokes April 2003

His n Hers Word definitions

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female definition: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male definition: A source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female definition: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male definition: A device for scanning through all 35 channels every 5 minutes.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female definition: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male definition: Agreeing not to pick up other women when you are out with your
girlfriend.

Twelve Exercises That Nobody Needs

Jumping to conclusions
Running around in circles
Wading through paperwork
Pushing your luck
Passing the buck
Throwing your weight around
Jumping on the bandwagon
Spinning your wheels
Dragging your heels
Adding fuel to the fire
Climbing the walls
Grasping at straws

Thoughts on Life

The early bird still has to eat worms.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD
any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

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Gasonga Jokes April 2003

Q and A jokes

Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

A. Wearing regular rocks would be far too heavy!

Q: When a man talks dirty to a woman what’s it called?

A: Sexual harassment.

Q: When a woman talks dirty to a man what’s it called?

A: $3.99 a minute.

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?

A. It's Braille for "suck here."

Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?

A. You come in one and go in the other.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?

A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?

A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?

A. Ten minutes of silence.

Q: How can you recognize a French soldier?

A: He the one with the Sunburned armpits.

Q: What do Orange cartons and women have in common?

A: It's not the shape or the size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's
getting the flaps to open that count!

Q: What do you call a Museum of erotica?

A: It’s a den of antiquities!

Q. Why did God give men penises?

A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

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Gasonga Jokes April 2003

Another Nudist colony

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to
send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know
that he lives is a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and send her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The
man cuts another picture in half, but ACCIDENTALLY sends the bottom half of the
photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says . . .

"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style . . . it makes your nose look too short!"

Friends

A man takes his girl out. On the way home he stops five miles out of town and tells her
he wants to fuck her. She refuses to put out so he . . . puts her out. She walks back.

The next night they go back out again. This time, though, he has the presence of mind to
go out of town 15 miles before he stops the car and again tells her he wants to fuck her.
She declines. Once again, she's put out of the car, and treks 15 long miles back home.

Third night they're out. 30 miles away from home he stops the car. "I wanna fuck you".
But this time she gives in. Rather enthusiastically, to tell you the truth. After the
humping and pumping, he asks her why she gave in finally.

She replies, "Look, for a friend, I'd walk five miles. I'd even walk fifteen miles. But
there's no way on earth I'd walk thirty miles EVEN to save a friend of mine from a case
of Herpes!"

Sex councillor

Natasha announced to the bartender, "Seems I've been informally named adviser on
'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counselling the big bosses on relations
with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," Natasha answered.
"During a staff meeting, I suggested a reduction in executive expense accounts and I
was then told “When they wanted my f**King advice, they'd let me know."

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Gasonga Jokes April 2003

Bus Drivers

The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't
want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the
pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver
quickly downs one of the little blue pills.
When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his
eye speaks volumes. They tear off each other’s clothes and are quickly in bed.
He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times.
*Three times!*
He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.
"What's wrong, dear?" he asks
"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come
all at once!"

Naughty

Two couples are having their wedding reception in the same hotel, and the grooms decide
to have a few beers together.
"I bet I make love to my wife, more times than you make love to you wife tonight!" says
the first groom.
"No way. I'll take that bet!" says the second.
"Right” says the first groom “When we come down for breakfast tomorrow, order the
same number of slices of toast as number of times you made love. Then we’ll know who’s
won."

The following morning both couples are at breakfast, and both grooms are smiling as the
waiter comes over to take their orders. The first groom says, "I'll have a full English
breakfast, and FOUR slices of toast please.”
The second groom says, "I'll also have a full English breakfast and FIVE slices of toast,
and make two of them brown!"

Things in Law that Sound Dirty But Aren't…

• Have you looked through her briefs?

• He's one hard judge!
• Counsellor, let's do it in chambers!
• His attorney withdrew at the last minute!
• Is it a penal offence?
• Better leave the handcuffs on
• For $200 an hour, she better be good!
• Can you get him to drop his suit?
• The judge gave her the stiffest one he could!
• Think you can get me off

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Gasonga Jokes April 2003

The genie …

A woman is walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an old looking bottle. She
picks it up and rubs it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appears. The amazed woman asks, “Do I
get three wishes?” The Genie replies, “Nope. Three-wish from genies is the stuff of
fairy tales. You only get one wish, so what'll it be?”

The woman doesn’t hesitate. She says, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I
want these countries to stop fighting and all the Arabs to love all the Jews and vice-
versa. It’ll transform the world and bring peace and harmony!”

The Genie takes a look at the map and exclaims, “Hey Lady, be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’ve been in this a bottle for five
hundred years and I’m a little out of shape. Is there something you could wish for that’s
a bit smaller?”

The woman thinks for a minute and says, “Well, I've never been able to find the right
man. So find me a man that’s considerate, fun, likes to cook and helps with the house
work, is great in bed, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That's what I wish for a good man.”

The Genie thinks for a minute then lets out a long sigh, “OK. Let me see that map again!”

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?

A: So they know where to stop shaving.

Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their
minds?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q: What are the three fastest means of communication?

A: Telegraph, telephone, tell-a-woman.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?

A: There isn't time.

Q: What did the brothel closed sign say?

A: Beat it we are closed.

Q: Why is it always difficult appearing in front of the media?

A: Wouldn’t you be worried appearing at a Stress Conference!

Q: What have a condom with a hole in it and a rattlesnake got in common?

A: Its bet not to screw with either of them.

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Gasonga Jokes April 2003

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and Miss Muffet have in common?

A: They both have Kurds in their way.

Q: Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?

A: So they can see their air force.

Q: What’s the difference between an optimistic Muslim and a pessimistic one?

A: One looks on the “Sunni” side of life and the other says its “Shi'ite!"

A guy is talking to a pal about a lean spell in his love life, “You know” he says,
“If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.”

Husband: “Want a quickie?”

Wife: “As opposed to what?”

Husband: “Come on, honey. I can't remember the last time we made love.”
Wife: “Well I can - and that's why we're not doing it.”

Wife: “Why don't you ever callout my name when we're making love?”
Husband: “Because I don't want to wake you.”

Gypsy Love

A young woman goes to her doctor complaining that the insides of her upper thighs have
turned green. The doctor examines her and asks, “Have you been having sex with a
Gypsy?”
“That’s amazing” replies the woman, “Yes I have.”
“Well” says the doc “tell him his ear rings aren't real gold!”

The birds

A reporter is walking along the prom at seaside resort. He’s doing a piece on the
aggressive behaviour of the sea gulls and is trying to get comments from a cross section
of local people. Suddenly is he sees a punk rocker, decides to ask his opinion,
“Excuse me sir, what he would do if a bird crapped your his head?” asks the reporter.
“Hum”, says the punk as he thinks for a moment, “Well I certainly wouldn’t take her out
again!”

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Gasonga Jokes April 2003

More words of wisdom …

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved,
and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share
yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives
a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

9. Never lick a steak knife.

10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we
observe daylight savings time.

13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think
she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion,
economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we
are above average drivers.

15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are
not in them.

16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very
important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

17. Your friends love you anyway.

18. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

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Gasonga Jokes April 2003

The Laundry

A woman sends her clothing out to the laundry one a week. When they come back she
notices there are still stains on her knickers. So next week she encloses a note to the
laundry that says, "Please use more soap on knickers."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry.
Finally, fed up with the notes the laundry replies, "Please. Use more paper on arse!"

Sherlock Holmes

Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes says as he passes three women eating bananas.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asks.
"No", replies Holmes, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world do you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun is eating the banana by holding it one hand and
using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces. The
prostitute", he continues, "grabbed it with both hands and crammed the whole thing into
her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaims. "But how do you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

The dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's
apartment. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He
then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
The girl watches him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, somewhat surprised says, “Might be, I’ll tell you latter ... what make you say
that?”
The girl replies, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love. After they are finish, the girl says,
“Now I’m certain you’re a great dentist.”
“OK I am.” replies the guy. “How do you know?”
“Simple” girl replies, "I didn't feel a thing!"

Teach them the ropes young

The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favourite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon a Time'...?"
"No, sweetheart," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to
work a little late at the office tonight'."

End

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