Gasonga Jokes September 2003

Get Ready for more gasps of delight with

Gasonga Jokes

September 2003 – Issue 17

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Version date: September 2003

Collated by: http://gasonga.com/

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Gasonga Jokes September 2003

Bestsellers for Boobs from Amazon.com

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Gasonga Jokes September 2003

Speeding

A Traffic cop stops a guy for speeding.

"I've been waiting all day for you," says the cop. The guy replies,
"Well I’ve got here as fast as I can."

The bible

A boy opens an old family Bible and looks with fascination at the pages as he turns them.
Suddenly, something falls out of the Bible. He picks it up and looks at it closely. It’s an
old tree leaf that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Mum, look what I found," the shouts boy.
"What is it, dear?" his mother asks.
"I think it's Adam's underpants!"

Puns

• When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-
lighted.

• He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

• She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.

• It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

• It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.

• The one who invented the doorknocker got a No-bell prize.

• Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.

• There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.

• Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.

• He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends

• Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.

• When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.

• To some - marriage is a word. To others - a sentence.

• Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization

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Gasonga Jokes September 2003

• It was an emotional wedding Even the cake was in tiers.

• Old skiers never die - they just go down hill.

• A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

• When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

• An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power
struggle.

• How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

• Nylons give women a run for their money.

• Talking to her about computer hardware I make my motherboard.

• Ancient orators tended to Babylon.

• The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

• If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.

• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

• A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.

• Some people don't like food going to waist..

• A cannibal's favourite game is 'swallow the leader'.

• Girls who don't get asked out as often as their friends could feel out-dated.

• We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay

attention.

• A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.

• When chemists die, we barium.

• A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time called a
four loaf cleaver.

• When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.

• Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.

• Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense.

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Gasonga Jokes September 2003

• A tattoo artist has designs on his clients.

• When they bought a waterbed, the couple started to drift apart.

• What you seize is what you get.

• Gardeners always know the ground rules.

• Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

• A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

• When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.

• Looting a drugstore is called Pillaging

• Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

• Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.

• A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancée free.

• A ditch digger was entrenched in his career.

• A girl and her boyfriend went to a party as a barcode. They said they were an
item.

• A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

• A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old Wild West. He slides up to the
bar and says, “I’m looking for the guy that shot my paw.”

• Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced
an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him
rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made
him....what? .... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

Saddam’s message

Saddam gets a coded message from President Bush. It reads: 370HSSV-0773H

Saddam is stumped and sends for the Republican Guard. They can’t understand it, so he
sends for the Secret Police. They suggest turning the paper upside down.

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Gasonga Jokes September 2003

Fancy Dress Party

A guy is struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy dress party. Then he has a
bright idea.
When the host answers the door, she finds the guy with no shirt, no shoes and no socks.
"What are you supposed to be?" asks the host.
"A premature ejaculation," says the guy. "I’ve just come in my pants!"

The Happy Bride and Groom

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best
man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says,
"Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so
excited!"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I
am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest
smile on her face. The maid of honour notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you
are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!"
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

Golf ruling

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the
green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one
about three feet from the cup, while the other was in the cup.

They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using a number
three they were Unable to decide. So they returned to the Club House and asked the
golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under
such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"

Two men dressed in trench coats

A blonde woman was driving down the highway when her car broke down. She pulled to
the side of the road, got out and opened the trunk of her car.
Two men dressed in trench coats got out of her trunk. They faced the oncoming traffic
and proceeded to bare their nude bodies to the other drivers.
A cop drives up and asks the blonde, "What the hell is going on here?"
She tells him, "Well officer, my car broke down."
He says, "Miss, I can see that, but why are these two men exposing themselves to the
oncoming traffic?"
She says, "I didn't want to cause an accident, so I'm using my emergency flashers!"

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Gasonga Jokes September 2003

Johnny and the giant

Little Johnny a student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anything
to do with girls. They say he could easily kill someone it so large. Through the grapevine,
his teacher learns about his unusual size. She keeps him behind after school and
suggests they have sex. He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and
scoffs at the idea and says she will go on top. Johnny reluctantly agrees. The teacher
experiences such wonderful sensations that she faints from pure joy. Thinking he's
killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing,
"Oh my God! I’ve killed her! I’ve killed her!" All at once he stops in his tracks, and look of
dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says,
"Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. The dumb bitch committed suicide!"

The Horse riding blonde

A blonde decides to try horse riding even though she’s had no previous experience. She
mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the
saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but can’t seem to get a firm grip. She
tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the
horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally,
giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup! She’s at the mercy of the
horse's pounding hooves as her head is stuck against the ground. She’s moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune; the Woolworth's manager sees her and
shuts off the power.

A classic …

A woman goes to a pet shop and buys a Hamster. The shopkeeper gives her an envelope
and tells her to open it only after the hamster dies. She goes home and cares for it for
3 years and it then dies. She opens the envelope and inside is a letter telling her not to
bury the pet but instead gives her a recipe for jam. She makes the jam and tastes it.
It's foul and disgusting so she throws it onto her garden. Over the next few months she
sees that a plant grows where the jam landed, eventually turning into a lovely rosebush.
When she goes back to the pet shop she tells the owner and he is amazed.
“That is really weird,” he says, “normally you only get Tulips from Hamster Jam.”

Q: What’s better than watching a woman wrestle?

A: Seeing her box

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Gasonga Jokes September 2003

The Cheeky fireman

A cheeky fireman reaches a third story window with his ladder. When he looks in the
window he sees a beautiful young blonde in a negligee.
“Don’t be afraid,” says the fireman “I’ve saved lots of pregnant woman.”
“I’m not pregnant!" shouts the girl.
“Yea, And you’re not saved yet.” Replies the fireman.

The Caine Party

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a showbiz party in his groovy new
pad.
Anyone who's anyone is there - Stars from the movies, music, fashion and art.
The party’s got the best wines, food and music. Lennon and McCartney are helping
themselves at the bar and Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing
‘Light My Fire.’ All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored and wants
to go home.
“Oi, Jim,” objects Michael Caine, “The party's just getting started. How's about I get
one of ‘the ladies’ to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the how’s yer father?”
“OK,” nods Jim “as long as she does the rest of the band as well.”
“Not a problem, Jim,” smiles Michael, as he pulls a dolly bird in close and whispers some
instructions to her. Half an hour later, the lass is wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo
from the Beatles.
“Alright, luv?” he drones, “don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me?”
The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says “What the hell!” and
proceeds to unzip Ringo’s fly and get to work.
Ringo’s having a great time, until, mere moments from the end, the door flies open and
Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young lady by the back of the hair and Slaps her
hard across the face!
“Wh-what was that for?” she whimpers.
“I told you,” Caine snarls.
“You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!”

Little Billy

Little Billy was in his Nursery class when the teacher asked the children what their
fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman. Billy was being
uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
“My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and he takes off all his clothes in front
of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he'll go out to the alley with some
screaming fag and take it up the a*se.”
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring in and took little
Billy aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”
“No,” said Billy, “he really plays for Sunderland, but I was too embarrassed to say.”

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Gasonga Jokes September 2003

Crotch less knickers

A young lady has been married for several years is growing very frustrated with her
husband's lack of interest in sex. So she decides to add some pizzazz to their sex life
by buying some Crotch less knickers from a sex shop.
One evening when she’s feeling particularly randy and her husband is watching TV she
slips away to get changed. She puts on her crutch less knickers and a saucy negligee. She
then strolls between her husband and the TV and suggestively tosses one leg over the
arm of his chair.
“Want some of this?” she whispers.
“Are you kidding?” he replies, “Look what it done to your knickers!”

The Middle East

During previous visits to the Middle East, Tony Blair had noticed that women habitually
walked 10 ft behind their husbands in a show of servitude. But while in Iraq last week he
saw that things had changed- the women now walked in front.

Thinking that this must have been a change of attitude brought about by the regime
change and relaxation of Islamic law, he commented to his military commander about it.
"Ah Yes," said the general "that's cluster bombs for you."

Who wants to live forever?

A Doctor asks his patient, “Do you like to drink, smoke, and play around with women?”
“Yes," replies the patient.
“You should abstain.” Says the Doc. “And do you like eat steak chips?”
“Yes,” says the patient.
“You should cut back and only do it with moderation,” says the doc.
“If I do all that will I live longer?” asks the patient.
“Nope,” replies the doc “but it’ll seem a lot longer.”

End

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