Gasonga Jokes October 2003

Get Ready for more gasps of delight with

Gasonga Jokes

October 2003 – Issue 19

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Version date: October 2003

Collated by: http://gasonga.com/

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Gasonga Jokes October 2003

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Gasonga Jokes October 2003

The Antique Furniture Dealer

An antique furniture dealer, Rose Wood, was a Chippendale off the old block. She had a
great sense of humour and was always telling oaks! Sometimes she maple our leg a little
too much!

Rumours said that she was a sexy woman, and that many a man wood filler crack. But
others said there’s knot a grain of truth in that.

It’s certainly true that she broke few hearts, as guys wood pine for her. She liked men
with polish. She liked men that didn’t go against the grain. Often she’d be dating a guy
and they wood varnish mysteriously. It’s suggested that she wood be helping him put a
spit shine his hardwood.

The true love of her life was a carpenter and an expert at tongue and groove. He helped
her restore her prized position a black box. He spent hours polishing her box lovingly
and she thanked him for it, by waxing lyrical about his wood.

I will cedar point to you – She was familiar with softwoods, but she enjoyed a hardwood
more than any thing!

The accident

A husband gets a phone call from the hospital saying that his wife has been involved in a
car accident and she's in a coma.
He rushes to the hospital to be by her bedside and there he remains for over a week
while the doctors are giving up hope but after being there for so long he was getting
rather frisky so waits for the doctor to finish his checks and leave the room and his
slips his hand under the covers and strokes his wife's leg when he thinks he sees her
finger twitch. So he strokes her inner thigh moving upwards and he hears his wife moan.
He rushes out of the room yelling for the doctor and tells him that what happened. The
doctor takes him aside and suggests that if he tries oral sex, it may be bring his wife
round and that he'll keep everyone out of the room so they can have some privacy.
The husband excitedly goes into his wife's room and the doctors and nurses wait
patiently outside in the corridor.
A few minutes later the guy comes out looking pale, the doctor says
"What's the matter?"
"She's dead"
"Well didn't you do as I suggested?"
"Yes Doctor but she choked!"

Salmon Cakes

An angler walks into a fish shop with a 20-pound salmon under his arm.
"Do you make fish cakes?" he asks.
"Yes we do" came the reply.

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"Well" he says pointing to the Salmon, "can you make one for him because it's his
birthday on Tuesday?"

The birds

A guy’s wife was always nursing sick birds. One February evening, he came home to find a
raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his favourite chair. On the dining room table,
instead of dinner, there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin.
In the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering little wren she found out in the snow.

The furious husband strode over to his wife who was towelling down the cold little bird.
“I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these dam birds!"

The wife held up her hand and cut him off in mid sentence.
"Please, Dear, no cursing words in front of the chilled wren."

Q: Why does Tigger the tiger have no friends?

A: Because he spends all day playing with pooh.

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How to shower like a woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and
coloured. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the
way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit ups.
Get in shower
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave
on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Shave armpits and legs
Turn off shower
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower
Dry with towel the size of small country
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head
If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas

How to shower like a man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed

Leave in a pile
Walk naked to the bathroom
If you see wife along the way, shake knob at her making woo hoo sound
Look at manly physique in the mirror
Admire size of your knob and scratch your ass
Get in the shower
Wash your face
Wash your armpits
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in shower
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area
Wash you butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap
Shampoo hair
Make shampoo mohawk
Pee
Rinse off and get out of shower
Partially dry off
Fail to notice water on floor
Admire knob size in mirror again
Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on floor, leave light and fan on
Return to bedroom with towel around waist
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo hoo noise again
Throw wet towel on bed.

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Gasonga Jokes October 2003

Excerpts from letters sent to landlords…

1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

2. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

3. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

4. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

5. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

6. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

7. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife
tripped on it and is now pregnant."

8. "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to
drink."

9. "Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and
need it straight away."

10. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and
made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."

Marines

During mail call at a Marine Corps boot camp, a guy receives several letters from home.
He gets so many letters that the drill instructor starts getting irritated at having to
keep calling out the guy’s name.
“You must have a lot of people at home who like you, huh?” barks the instructor.
“Sir, no, sir!” shouts the marine.
"Oh, so you’re calling me a liar” goads the instructor.
Trained to think quickly on his feet the marine yells, “Sir, creditors, sir!”
Well the Instructor had to leave the room, so his trainees wouldn’t see him laughing.

Q: Who is the biggest fish in the mafia?

A: The Cod father.

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Gasonga Jokes October 2003

Alternative definitions

Avoidance: I don't want to go to the dance.

Concourse: A golf course for criminals

Optimist: Happy fog.

Pessimist: Sad fog.

Sandbar: Where beach bums get drunk.

Submit: Wet glove.

Subside: Side of the ocean.

Survey: Map making knight.

Flatulent: A property that that your mate is living it.

Amplitude: Loudspeaker with an attitude.

Monsoon: A Caribbean teenage boy

Appointment: The business end of an assassin's knife.

Approximate: A stand-in for a regular friend.

Coffee, a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted, appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate, to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade, to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly, impotent

Negligent, describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your
nightie.

Lymph, to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle, an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence, the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller.

Balderdash, a rapidly receding hairline.

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Gasonga Jokes October 2003

Testicle, a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude, the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately

before he examines you.

Oyster, a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent, the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Barby Doll, A doll with sharp steel spikes.

Impotence: Long time no seed

Cuban: Forbid the letter between "P" and "R".

Panama: A frying pan's Mom.

Ukraine: A U-shaped bird.

Isle of Wight: They never eat the yolks.

Cornwall: They’ve run out of bricks.

Somerset: Progress report when preparing Jellies.

Enfield: Free range chicken farm.

Southampton: Viagra required.

Northampton: Viagra taken. (Cockney rhyming slang: Hampton Wick: Prick!)

Middlesex: Inhabited by Hermaphrodites.

Lancashire: Inhabited by very tall, thin people

Stalemate: Why people commit adultery.

Adultery: An acorn, all grown up.

Infantry: A newly planted sapling

Treason: A male sapling.

Sauce: What happened when my wife returned early from work.

Telemetry: Repeating it three times!

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Gasonga Jokes October 2003

Q: If circus clown is sacked for no good reason what can he do?

A: Claim for funfair dismissal!

Q: What’s the difference between a chicken and a baby?

A: A chicken is the result of a sitting hen, where as a baby is the result of standing
cock.

Q: How does a coffee pot feel when it’s brewing?

A: Perky.

Q: What did the sign at the Egyptian undertakers say?

A: Satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back!

Q: Did you hear about the guy that liked to eat raw meat?
A: He says he only likes it, “on rare occasions.”

Q: What do you call a show full of lions?

A: The mane event

Q: What's the difference between parsley and pussy?

A: No one eats parsley.

Q: What part of the barn did the newlywed horses stay in?
A: The bridle suite

A bloke says to his pal, “My sex life is like Three Nuns!”
“Why is that?” asks his mate.
“Well,” replies the guy, “I’ve never had Nun, I can't find Nun and I’m never likely to get
Nun!”

Confucius says,
If a man that showers with his clothes on, this shows he’s crazy.
But, if a man showers with his clothes off, this shows his nuts!

Did you heard about the woman who bicycled over a cobblestone street?
She'd never come that way before.

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.

I see your point!

Two skiers

Two dyslectic skiers are at the top of a mountain and one says to the other,
“Do we zig zag, down this slope or do we zag zig?"
“I don’t know," says his pal, “I’ll ask that bloke over there. Excuse me mate, do we zig
zag down this slope or zag zig?”
“I don’t know,” says the fella, “I’m a tobogganist.”
“Ok then, can I’ve 20 Bensons and a box of matches please?”

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Alternative definitions - Chocolate bar themed

High class thoroughfare: quality street

Money making royalty: mint imperial
Dark occult: black magic
Mother's local: mars bar
Clever folk: Smarties
Various black items: liquorice allsorts
Sport for Princes: polo
Frankie Vaughan wanted it: moonlight
Good children get these: treats
Feline equipment: kit kat
Garden flowers: roses
Assorted girls: dolly mixture
Dairy holder: milk tray
Arrange marriage partners: matchmakers
Edible fasteners: chocolate buttons
Wobbly infants: jelly babies
Talk quietly: wispa
Big bus: double Decker
Gem orchard: opal fruits
Spin around: twirl
Capital granite: Edinburgh rock
Lorry driver's snack: yorkie
100% Au: all gold
Istanbul harem: Turkish delight
Up out there: Milky Way
Even more up out there: galaxy
Big cat's pub: lion bar
Noisy insect: humbug
One who wanders: drifter
Musical bard: minstrels
It's a party: celebrations
Outside meal: picnic
Easily blown: fuse
Locals from Malta: maltase’s
Reward: bounty
Ten cent pub: dime bar
Toothless drink: wine gums
Sweet tooth: candy floss
Pub pins: skittles

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Gasonga Jokes October 2003

A young lad is bragging to his mates that his brother can play the piano by ear.
“That's nothing,” says a pal “My brother fiddles with his dick!”

“Dad! Dad!” shouted the little boy excitedly as he ran into the living room.
“I’ve got my eye on a bike for my birthday!”
Without looking up his father says, “Well, Son, Keep your eye on it, as you'll never get
your arse on it!”

“Today,” says the professor, “I’ll be lecturing about the liver and spleen.”
Up in the gallery, one medical student leans toward his pal and says, "O man, I can’t
stand organ recitals!”

“Why are you in this line of work?” a sociology researcher asked a massage parlour girl.
“I’m trying to pay back this loan shark Paul," she says. “So I guess you could say I’m
rubbing peters to pay Paul.”

Q: How do you know if you are staying in a second rate hotel?

A: If you call the front desk and say, “I’ve got a leak in your sink.” And they reply,
“OK pal, just rinse it out when you’re done!”

A man goes into work and tells his pals, “My wife has given him an ultimatum. Until I quit
smoking, I won't be getting any sex.”
“Bloody hell,” says his best mate, “How long do you think you’ll be able to hold out?”
“I’m not sure,” says the guy, “Probably until my girlfriend dies.”

News Flash… The term flying term cockpit is to be replaced.

When an all female crew are on the flight deck it with be called “the box office.”

A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a rum… and coke.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the barman.
“Dammed if I know,” says the bear, “I was born with them.”

Did you hear about the maths problem that had the student going around in circles?
Apparently it was only when he walked around the block that he found the square route.
Some might say that he didn’t read the sines.

End

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