Jokes November 2003

Get Ready for more gasps of delight with

Gasonga Jokes

November 2003 – Issue 22

Version: 1/00

Version date: November 2003

Collated by: http://Gasonga.com/

Page No: 1
Jokes November 2003

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Page No: 2
Jokes November 2003

Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?

A: Because they can't hold on to a lead!

Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer!

Q: Why do English Footballers make better lovers than French and German Footballers?
A: The English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 Minutes and still come
second!

Q: What have the England Football team and a 3-pin plug got in common?
A: They are both useless in Europe!

Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with Lassie?

A: A dog that’ll savage your leg and then run off to fetch a doctor.

Did you hear about the blonde that took her first bicycle back to the store where she
bought it? She said it was defective as every time she tried to ride it, it fell over.

Q: How many perverts does it take to put a light bulb in?

A: Just one, but it takes the entire casualty department to get it out.

Did you hear about the orchestra leader that was nearly stuck by lightning?
The audience put his escape down to him being a poor conductor.

Q: What did Sir Lancelot say when he arrive at a hotel?

A: Have you got a bed for a Knight?

Thought for the day: The day Microsoft makes something that doesn’t suck is the day
they start making vacuum cleaners.

Met a gorgeous Dutch girl with inflatable shoes.

I rang her up before but she had popped her clogs.

What’s in a name

Fu, Bu and Chu emigrate from China to America. After hearing the trouble people have
saying their names they decide to Americanise them.
Bu called himself Buck, Chu called himself Chuck, and Fu goes back to China.

News flash: Doctors in Austria have performed the worlds first successful tongue
transplant. Just hours after this pioneering surgery, the patient was awake and able to
give his first interview. When asked by a reporter,
“How does it feel to have a new tongue?”
He replied, “Wellllllll ifmmnnnn mmmmmm arrrr Bettfffffflllllerr!”

Page No: 3
Jokes November 2003

To the Management,

I, Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.

Dear Mr Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the
administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start
working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct
protective clothing.
You will retire well before age 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned
task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work
place carrying two suspicious-looking bags which are full when you enter and empty when
you leave... very odd.

Sincerely,

The Management

Page No: 4
Jokes November 2003

The signal

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they found that they
were unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights switched off.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figured
out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night,
if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast once. If you
don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast once."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and suggests to his wife, "If you want to have
sex with me reach over and pull my penis once but If you don't want to have sex, pull my
penis a couple of hundred times."

The workers

A passer by approaches two workmen and asks them what they are doing...
"We work for the government," says one of the workers.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing
anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?" protests the passer by.
"You don't understand," says one of the men. "Normally there are three of us: me,
Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike, here, puts the dirt
back. Just because Rodney's sick, doesn't mean that Mike and me can't work."

New watch

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a
quick glance and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” says the guy, “I’ve just bought this telepathic watch and I’m testing it.”
“Telepathic watch, what's so special about it?" The intrigued woman asks.
“Well,” says the guy, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me.”
“So, what's it telling you now?"
“It says you’re not wearing any knickers.”
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing
knickers!"
“Damn,” says the guy, ”it must be an fast again."

Fancy Dress Party

A guy goes to his mate's fancy dress party. He’s completely naked and has a naked girl
on his back.
“So what the hell are you supposed to be?” His mate asks.
“I’m a snail,” the guy replies.
“What a load of crap!” says his mate. “How can you be a snail? You made not effort to
find a costume, all you’ve got is that naked girl on your back.”
“That's not a naked girl,” the bloke replied, “that's Michelle.”

Page No: 5
Jokes November 2003

Sex life

Two guys are having a beer at the local pub, and one of them looks very glum.
“What’s wrong mate?” his pal asks.
“My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin.”
“Why's that?”
“Because it’s brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.”

The Watch Tower

A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for years. When one day
another man washes up on shore. The wife is immediately attracted to him but realises
that certain protocols must be observed. The husband, however, is really glad to see the
guy as it means there’ll be able to have three people doing shifts in the watchtower.

The new man is happy to help keep watch and volunteers to do the first shift.
Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a cooking fire. The
new man yells down, “Hey, no fucking!”
They yell back, “We’re not fucking!” A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into
the stone circle. Again the new man yells down, “Hey, no fucking!”
Again they yell back, “We're not fucking!”

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again
the new man yells down, “Hey, no fucking!”
They yell back, “We're not fucking!”

Finally the new man’s shift is over and he climbs down, while the husband starts to
climb’s up. When he gets to the top of the tower, he looks down and sees new guy
shagging his wife’s brains out.
“God dam,” he says, “from up here it DOES look like they’re fucking!”

Lunch

A boss walks up to his new secretary and asks,

“Linda, do you know the difference between a Caesar Salad and a blow job?”
“No,” she replies.
“Great!” he says, “Let’s have lunch.”

The ring

A cop sees a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight.
“Can I help you?” he asks.
“I dropped my diamond ring and I’m looking for it,” she replies.
“Did you drop it right here?”
“Nope,” says the blonde, “but it’s easier looking for it here as the light’s better.”

Page No: 6
Jokes November 2003

Cricket

A guy is at home with the missus when he hears a knock at the door. He opens it and
finds his pal Steve clutching his hands between his legs.
“What’s wrong Steve?” He asks.
“I’ve just been hit by a bloody cricket ball!”
“Quick come in and I’ll get the wife to look at it for you.”
A few minutes later in the kitchen the guy finds his wife bathing his friend’s dick and
balls with iced water.
“God Dam!” He thinks, “How do you feel Steve?”
Steve turns to his mate with a big grin and says, “What your wife’s done has really
helped a lot. But I still think I’m going to loose will my finger nail.”

Reading in bed

A man and his wife get into bed for the night. The wife curls up ready for sleep and the
husband puts his bedside lamp on to read. While he’s reading, he reaches over to his
wife and started fondling her pussy. He does this for a short then stops and goes back
to reading his book.
Suddenly the wife jumps out of bed and starts stripping in front of him. Confused, the
husband asks, “What are doing?”
“You were playing with my pussy,” the wife replies, “I’ve got the hint and I’m stripping
for action.”
“O,” says the husband, “You’ve got it all wrong. I was just wetting my fingers so I could
turn the pages.”

Aging

A forty-something woman is jumping up and down on the bed and singing happily. Her
husband watches her for a while then says,
“Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”
The woman continues to bounce.
“I don't care,” she says. “I just got back from the doctor’s and he says I have the
breasts of an 18yr old girl.”
“Oh really?” says the husband. “And what did he say about your 40yr old twat?”
“I'm sorry,” says the woman, “you’re name didn’t come up!”

Are you buying this?

A guy is in a shopping mall with his wife and as he’s passing a hardware store he says,
“You go ahead and do you’re shopping; I want to browse in the hardware store.”
An hour later the wife returns and see her husband him at the checkout. The assistant
is ringing up the last of a massive pile of tools.
“Are you buying all this?” the wife asks somewhat irritated.
“Well, yes,” says the embarrassed husband. Then waving his arm towards the centre of
the store, he adds, “But just look at all the stuff I’m leaving behind!”

Page No: 7
Jokes November 2003

The three daughter’s

Three daughters live with their very protective father and all of them get there first
day on the same night.
When the doorbell rings. The father gets out his 12-gauge shotgun, opens the door and
yells, “What do you want!”
The first boy replies, “My name is Freddie and I’m here for Betty. We’re going to eat
spaghetti, is she ready?”
The father calls Betty and they go out.
Ten minutes later, the doorbell rings again. The father gets out his 12-gauge shotgun,
opened the door and yells, “What do you want!”
The second boy replies, “My name is Joe, and I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show,
is she ready?”
Flo comes running down stairs and off they go.
Ten minutes later, the doorbell rings again. The father gets out his 12-gauge shotgun,
opens the door and yells, “What do you want!”
The third boy replies, “Well... my name is Chuck...”
BANG!

The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter!

The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Female

10. Picky, picky, picky.

9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what’s wrong, they say "nothing"
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. They always turn simple statements into big problems.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it’s wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild!

Page No: 8
Jokes November 2003

Greek Island Jokes …

Q: What’s the cleanest Greek Island in the Med?

A: Domestos

Q: Which Greek Island is totally flame proof?

A: Asbestos

Q: Which Greek Island makes you fell really tired?

A: Knackeredos

Q: What’s the gayest Greek Island in the med?

A: Lesbos

Q: Which Greek Island will make your wrist ache?

A: Tossos

Q: Which Greek Island will satisfy even the largest lady?

A: Dildos

Q: Which Greek Island can guarantee you sexy fun?

A: Shaggos

Q: Which Greek Island reminds your girl friend what to wear?

A: Knickos

Q: On which Greek island should you avoid the kebabs?

A: Pukeos

Q: What Greek Island has food that’ll leave you feeling stuffed?
A: Paxos

Q: Why was the brush late for work?

A: He over swept

Trick or treat

Little Johnny goes trick or treating at Halloween dressed as a pirate.

He knocks at Mrs Smith’s door and when she opens it and sees him she looks around in
mock terror.
“Captain Johnny!” she says, “Where are your buccaneers?”
“Under me F**king hat!” he replies.

The genie

A guy finds a bottle on a beach and after a few rubs out pops a genie in a puff of smoke.
“I’m the genie of the bottle and I can grant you two wishes, what’ll it be?”
“Two wishes, eh? Well I want to be hard and get all the ass I want.” He replies.
“Your wish is my command,” says the genie as he turns the guy into a plastic toilet seat.

Page No: 9
Jokes November 2003

Lazy Workmen

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick
them into doing some work for a change.
“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the
laziest man please put his hand up.”
Nine hands went up.
“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.
“Too much trouble,” came the reply.

The ventriloquist and the blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring small town pubs and clubs. One night he’s going through
his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on
her chair. She shouts,
“OK pal, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype Blonde women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes
have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you that keep women like me
from being respected at work and in the community. It’s your kind that continue to
perpetuate discrimination against blonde women in the name of humour.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde pipes up,
“You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

Bad Drums

Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains when they suddenly hear tom toms
beating very close by.
“Oh! That doesn’t sound good,” says one cowboy to his pal.
As soon as the words are spoken, an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and says, “Yeah
well, our regular drummer is off sick.”

The medical

A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him
any more. The doc tells the guy to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife is
at the doctor’s and he asks her what’s wrong.
The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t
have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I
take or what.”
“When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in
the book or what?’ so I take or what.”
“Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks
me again, so are you going to pay this time or what? Again I take or what.”
“So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to
tell your husband or what?”

Page No: 10
Jokes November 2003

The will

A lawyer is reading the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in it:
“To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me through thick and thin, I leave the house and 2
million dollars.
The lawyer continues, “To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and
kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and 1 million dollars.”
The lawyer concludes, “And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and
thought that I’d never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!”

End

Page No: 11