1. The root cause of fighting between Married Couples.

This afternoon, a married couple with children came to see me. The
problem was that they fought with each other constantly. Their fights
would intensify so severely that the wife would scream Im going to kill you
while brandishing a kitchen knife. They suspected some type of mental
disorder would account for her outrageous behavior. The wife was 32 years
old and seemed very quiet, pretty, and so adorable no one could imagine her
sudden violent behavior. The husband also appeared very gentle and kind.
However, this couple had been fighting almost every day since the beginning
of their marriage.

On the first visit, I sometimes ask my patients Do you like yourself?
because from my experience as a doctor I believe the level of the patients
self- esteem is in proportion to the patients mental health.

When I asked the wife this question, she said that she disliked
herself. She is in fact, always blaming herself. As she does so, she scolds
her children and blames her husband. As a result, she ends up fighting with
her husband.

There is a strong relationship between self-esteem and how one is
raised during ones childhood. In her case, she had been scolded all the time
by her parents, naturally building her life on a foundation of self-accusation
and a negative self image.

Most people associate with other people in the same way they treat
themselves. Accordingly, ones relationship with others is equal to the
relationship with themselves. Relationships with others can act as a mirror
reflecting their own self-esteem. Moreover, people raise their children in
the way they were brought up, unless they become consciously aware. This
is one reason why family relationships are carried over from generation to
generation. As written in the proverb, The wise person can be called a
human, and the thoughtless persons are no more than animals. It is truly sad
if one can only live by the way one is brought up. On the other hand, to
cultivate ones eyes to look at oneself with a warm, unconditional love is
indeed a very wise way to lead ones life. This is the real key to growth as a
fully developed human being.

I advised the couple to change how they evaluated themselves, and I
made them promise to walk arm in arm on the way home. They left my office
smiling.
2. Compassion and Self- Sacrifice

Japanese people love self- sacrifice. The more earnest person is, the
more he or she is inclined to this type of behavior. Mr. S is having a tough
time with his father who patronizes him. The fathers parents died when he
was young and so he grew up lonely having to overcome countless obstacles
on his own. The father does not want his son to have the same experience,
and so he makes every effort to make sure his son is happy. Unfortunately,
the father constantly reminds his son of this fact, and now Mr. S feels
burdened and constantly pressured by his fathers efforts.

Ms. M has a difficult relationship with her friends. Since childhood,
her parents had taught her to be a person who cares for and helps others.
She has done exactly that, but she cant help feeling unappreciated by her
friends, who seem to keep her at a distance despite her devotion. Because
when the tables are turned, her friends are unavailable to reciprocate and
give her what she needs. She feels that she cannot do this anymore.
Despite her parents telling her to never become a loser, she feels like one
anyway, and is fed-up with herself.

People who believe in self-sacrifice simply endure with the hope that ,
once they overcome a difficult moment, their situation will turn for the
better, and so they continue enduring. They put too much emphasis on
making the other person happy, but fail to pay attention to the subtle
emotions involved in a relationship between two people. As for the receiver,
they will have a hard time feeling pleased if the giver is suffering from the
act of self-sacrifice. No one wants to build happiness on someone elses
sacrificial act.

Compassion and self-sacrifice may seem like similar concepts but the
two are completely different. People who practice self-sacrifice usually have
an unconscious expectation; either to be appreciated or wanting something in
return from the receiver. So if they dont get it, they become upset. In
contrast, compassionate people do not have this kind of expectation, because
in the giving itself already, there is joy. As written in the proverb, The
joy must come from within the giver and receiver simultaneously, the
devotion must be given with joy so that it resonates within the receiver as
well.
3. Right Moderation Ii Kagen

Ii Kagen in Japanese originally means right moderation. Over the
years, however, the use of the word has somehow been twisted and now
implies irresponsibility, negligence, or half-way. The original connotation of
comfortably balanced has been lost.

Mr. T is a promising system engineer and 30 years old. He takes his
responsibility very seriously, that once he accepts an assignment it must be
done to perfection. He is currently supervising many projects in the
company and is already overloaded. In addition to this, he is assigned as the
chief supervisor to a big project that will determine the fate of the
company. Failure is not an option, and so he has been working harder than
ever. Recently, he has had trouble sleeping at night and difficulties
getting up in the morning as well as a poor appetite. Finally he collapsed.

A serious person like Mr. T struggles to find the balance between
what is expected and his own ability to deliver, and therefore endures
frantically beyond his limit. It is like having a 5 ton load on a truck
designated for 2 tons. Depression and even death from excessive work will
manifest as a result. These people do not seem to value the importance of
right moderation as in the original meaning of Ii Kagen. They think of
moderation as an example of a lazy work ethic.

It is very important to know your own limitations, and to have the
courage to decline an offer that is beyond your capacity. A good job is only
possible when you are in the right moderation of Ii Kagen, and only then
you can work for a long lasting time and deliver the best result, with the
best wisdom and ingenuity.

Working in the right moderation somehow sounds natural and easy
but, in fact is difficult to implement. One year later, Mr. T recalled that
his whole life was about patience and based upon must-dos, on the job. He
felt only fatigue upon completion of each job instead of feeling content.
After he lost his health, he was glad to be able to notice how wrong his way
of life was. I heard him say that, I have no worries about his future
anymore.
4. The Lion Type and the Mouse Type

There are two types of people: a mouse type and a lion type.
The mouse type has an attitude that is constantly timid, tense and
nervous like a mouse cornered by a cat. On the other hand, the lion
type is more interested in an eventful life loaded with difficulties
and challenges that gives excitement, similar to a lion aiming its prey.

Mr. S is in his 40s and running his own company. His business
has been going down and its debt has kept growing. His anxiety level
has exacerbated to the point where he has palpitations whenever he
goes out. When the telephone rings, he cant answer out of fear that
the call may be from a debt collector. Although he worries about his
companys dismal situation, he cannot do anything to help and so all
he does is stays in bed and closes his eyes. When he came to see me,
he looked very fragile and worn out. He is a typical mouse type
person. He once went through the same experience when he was 18
years old and as he looks back, he recognizes that the mouse type
characteristics of negativity and pessimism come to surface not only
when he has a problem but throughout his life.

We tend to think that unfortunate circumstances and
obstacles will bring fear and unhappiness into our life. However, the
truth is that it is our Perception and Thoughts that bring it into our
life. Mr. S is suffering from a typical anxiety nervous disorder and
the mouse type attitude has deeply contributed to his illness. To
change ones tendency is very difficult, but Mr. S is determined to
do this. Two years later, he has become a strong man in that he can
smile and brag A debt measures a mans ability. As written in the
proverb, My wish is that my disciples will be cubs of the lion king,
never to be laughed at by the pack of foxes. We, like Mr. S, want
to live a life that is solid and strong, where hardships and challenges
bring only a feeling of excitement and contentment.
5. The Art of Cherishing Oneself

A little while ago an advertisement on the train caught my eye. It was
a confession by an elderly man: I have worked very hard for many years for
everyone. When I look back, though, I am not one of the everyone. From
now on, I will really cherish myself. This impressed me because I have been
concerned by common traits among my patients that deeply contribute to
their illness; they are almost always serious, self-giving and crushing their
own emotions to conform to society.

Mrs. K is in her late 50s. She quit her job a year ago and currently
lives with her married daughter. About a half year ago, Mrs. K started
feeling down and had occasional headaches and heaviness along with a loss of
appetite. Her sleep is light and she wakes up very early in the morning. For
her, the fact that her meals and other tasks are taken care of by her
daughter who also has weak health is just unbearable. She has been dragged
into thinking of death so that she will not be a burden to her loved ones. In
all, Mrs. K has fallen into a typical syndrome of depression. Her whole life
she has been biting the bullet. Since her marriage, she has not even taken
one vacation. She always believed if she endured everything would be fine.

I convinced Mrs. K, You are fortunate to fall into depression now. If
you had gotten older without this incident, you would have ended your life
wondering what your life was. You have endured enough. From now on, take
good care of yourself. You are entitled to have fun and make your life
memorable. She has seen me only for a couple of times but has already
gained some confidence in herself.
6. The Eyes That Evaluate Self

Seriousness is a good thing when expressed as hard work and
strong responsibility. However, an unexpected pitfall lurks behind
these virtues; you can accept yourself only when you exercise these
virtues but you cannot accept yourself when you do not. Serious
people are more likely to fall into this trap.

Mr. I came to see me about his concerns for his family. He is
69 years old and continues to work. His concern is that if he became
too old and no longer able to work what would happen to his family?
He is so worried that he is losing sleep. Currently his business is in
good condition and his life finally seems secure after enduring
countless hardships in the past. However, the more life seems
favorable, the more anxious he becomes when he thinks about the
future.

I threw one question to Mr. I, If you were to grade yourself,
how many points will you give yourself out of 100? He gave a
thought and answered, I have been working hard and luckily I am
still fine and working. So I will give myself 80 points. Then I asked,
So far you are doing great, but you may slow down as you get older
and may not be able to work. How many points would you give
yourself then? He thought for a while and answered with a frown,
Upon reaching that point of no work, I will give myself 30 points. I
challenged him, You have been working hard over many years. And
your lifes final score is only 30 points? Dont you think there is
something wrong? I urged him to re-evaluate the value of his life.

Like Mr. I, serious people evaluate themselves far too strictly.
Life has its fortunate times as well as its misfortunate times.
During the adverse period, if one deplores and degrades oneself, one
is too harsh on yourself and that is simply wrong. In fact, during
times of adversity, it is especially important to believe in yourself
and foster a generosity that allows you to be nurtured with a warm
heart.


7. Revival of Family


Through my experiences of daily practice, as a doctor at my clinic, I
have come to recognize that the family is one living entity. In most cases,
there is an underlying pathology of the whole family that lurks behind one
family members psychological problem.

Miss A is 25 years old and had quit her job about four years ago due
to her depression. Since then she has been confined to her own home. Her
mother has been seeing a psychiatrist at the university hospital for her
neurosis of 20 years. Miss A is also seeing the doctor at the university
hospital where her mother receives treatment, though without any
improvement. She finally came to see me for a consultation. A difficult case
such as hers usually benefits when the whole family is treated together. So
I asked her to bring her family when she sees me. It was revealed then that
this family rarely got together and has never gone out for a family meal. I
explained how tension generated among uncooperative relationships can
exacerbate her symptoms. I proposed to them, to all work together to
change the whole family for the better.

At the second visit, Miss A looked totally different and cheerful. She
said to me, My family went to Yakitori Restaurant together. After dinner,
for the first time we enjoyed Karaoke and I sang 3 songs .We recognized
how joyful we felt, so we decided to do the same every month. Thereafter,
Miss A quickly recovered and currently is working with high spirits. The
whole family is feeling happier than before, and the home has become a place
she looks forward to return to every day.

Frequently, a revival of harmonious family relationships fundamentally
treats the patient. Yet, I feel that one falls into illness in order to make
the families itself revive.
8. Mind Era

These days, I see many patients who are unable to fulfill their roles.
They are businessmen who refuse to go to work, wives who become self-
reproaching for not being able to do their housework well and children who
stop attending school. They are socially inadaptable. The characteristics
among these patients are not necessarily caused by mental illness such as
depression, but rather their unsocial behavior is causing depression. Most
of these patients have become excessively self-reproaching for not fulfilling
their roles. Furthermore, surrounding people tend to criticize them as lazy
and spoiled. As a result, their depression becomes more severe and
prolonged, falling into a vicious cycle that is difficult to recover from.

Behind these illnesses, there is the concept of the throw-away society.
Similar to objects being disposed once theyre used; useless people do not
value themselves. When we think about our current environment of the
Earth, the consumerism and pursuit of profit have lead to serious
environmental problems. Now we are working on redirecting our effort to
save the Earth. The same is true for human life. We need to reconsider the
simplistic way we evaluate people, by whether they are useful or not.
When practicing mind era, it is equally important to cast our warm eyes of
concern on our self, and others, including the environment and Earth.
10. A Good Child and a Mischievous Child

A so called good child* seems to be the one who is lost. Miss S is a
pretty bright girl in the third grade at elementary school. One day, her
mother found an unfamiliar pencil in her pencil box. Her daughter told her
that the pencil was given to her by her friend. Since the incident occurred
over and over again, the mother asked her daughter and she confessed that
the pencil was indeed stolen. It was hard to understand what had happened
to such a good child. Miss S replied, I wanted to become a mischievous
child.**

The mother has been seeing a doctor for her depression and this incident
happened right at the moment she herself started to re-discover herself.
So, she had an intuition that her daughters incident and her recent
discovery may be related, so she came to see me. I pointed out, Your
daughter also has been a good child like you and did not know how to let
herself be loose. The mother came up with an idea and took her daughter on
a trip to exercise becoming a mischievous child during the summer holiday.
Miss S grew brighter and more cheerful.

When school started in the fall, Miss S became saddened and refused to
go to school in the morning while complaining of a stomachache and headache.
The reason for her refusal was that she behaved badly at school and was
scolded by her teacher. It was a shocking experience for her since she had
always been a good student. The mother without haste told her to go
another round of practicing being a mischievous child by not going to school.
After a couple of days, Miss S declared to go back to school because if she
had kept playing with her mother without going to school, she would have
ended becoming a real problem child.

The mother told me a couple of years later that Miss S has grown into a
happy and secure child.

Annotation:

* A Good Child is one who is always well behaved and most of the time tense, because they are trying
not to be scolded by adults.

** A Mischievous Child is being oneself and sometimes misbehaves but is not tense. And also
childish
11. Family Relationships

Family relationships and the atmosphere at home can have deep
effects for the patient much more than we think. This is especially true for
those suffering from a mental and psychological illness.

Mr. N is 23 years old and has been studying for 5 years for the
college entrance examination without success. Recently, he had an illusion
that people were gossiping about him which caused him to confine himself to
his home. He revealed that although he is trying to enter college, he never
actually took any entrance examination because his anxiety and tension
overwhelmed him. He has no friends and has alienated himself from his
family.

While he and his mother were in the waiting room of my clinic, they
sat far apart from each other. The moment they entered the room, they
started arguing. To begin with, I suggested to them the importance of
improving their relationship. I came up with a game of rock-paper-scissors,
turn your head; the winner points a certain direction with a finger and the
loser must turn to the opposite direction of the finger: up, down, right and
left. The mother and son reluctantly followed my instruction and played
rather shyly. They continued playing the game at home, including the sons
father, until their next visit. I could imagine how hard it was for the mother,
who was a teacher, and had too much pride to play such a silly game. When
they came to see me in 2 weeks, she said, Although it seemed like a simple
game, it was actually complicated and a lot of fun to play. She looked quite
joyful.

As the family relationship improved, Mr. N, who previously disliked
himself, felt like a new person who truly was starting to respect himself. He
and his mother were no longer sitting apart in the waiting room, and instead,
they were chatting together. Thereafter, his circle of friends grew wider,
and he successfully graduated from college and is currently employed.

His mother recalled later, I feel my son became ill in order for our
family to change fundamentally for the better.
12 A Word of Courage

For better or worse, patterns in our lifestyle become habits. Good
habits should be nurtured, while bad ones are recognized and wisely
corrected. This is very difficult to do, to change our habits.

Mrs. N has been married for nearly 10 years. She henpecked her
husband, nagging him all the time about his wishy-washy behavior.
Inevitably, she became very arrogant. For many years, she hasnt seen her
husband off to work when he left the house every morning. The atmosphere
was already fixed and she had no way to change herself and say something
positive to start his day. Her pride was so great that it was blocking her
from changing her habits. One day, though, she summoned all her courage
and said Itterasshai! (Have a nice day!). The moment she uttered the
word, something dissolved within her. The sharp coldness that she had felt
inside for so long began to melt away.

Mr. T is a father of two teenage sons: Ichiro, an 11
th
grader and Jiro,
a 9
th
grader. He has noticed that his sons were grumpy and gloomy but
assumed these traits were typical among teenagers. He wanted to make
them feel better with flattery but he could not do so, because he believes
his dignity as a father would be compromised. One morning, he decided to
greet his sons as he left for work. He said to his sons, Ichiro and Jiro,
have a nice day! He gathered all his courage just to say the words and he
continuously practiced every morning. At first, both sons looked bewildered,
but eventually they responded by becoming more cheerful and active.
Today, their relationship as father and sons has become the envy of their
neighbors.

A wise and courageous word will break through the negative
patterns/habits. This will rejuvenate relationships among family members as
well as close friends.



13. A Mysterious Principle

Have you ever wondered why some earnest, hardworking, selfless, and
caring people who sacrifice themselves for others are not rewarded for
their efforts, and are often alienated? On the other hand, people who
are jolly and work at their own pace are comfortable with the people
around them.


Mr. R is a 55 year old divorce. He has patiently been working hard to
support his family and care for others. He always put himself last in his
priorities. A couple of years ago, to his great surprise, his wife and two
children announced they were leaving him, saying we can no longer stand to
live with a person like you. They left him. He also noticed that his
colleagues at work were disrespectful towards him, which added insult to his
injury. Emotionally exhausted, he said, What have I done wrong? What is
lacking in me?

I agree with him that his situation sounded unreasonable yet I have
seen many people like Mr. R and find similarities among them. For whatever
the reason, one who neglects himself or herself will eventually be neglected
by other people as well. On the other hand, those who treat themselves
well will also be treated well by others. This is because those who patiently
endure and neglect themselves may expect other people to do the same.
Without knowing it, they are treating others with the same lack of self
respect that they treat themselves.

Mr. R seemed unconvinced by my advice. At the next session,
however, as he walked in he said with bright eyes, Dr. Obo, I have changed!
He revealed that the more he began treating himself with care and respect
the more he noticed that he was treating his family kindly and generously,
instead of resentment toward them and himself.
14. Authoritarianism and Humanitarianism


Mr. A was a former high ranking government official, who recently
took a well-paying job at Kodan Public Corporation. Unfortunately, he could
not get along with his supervisor, and furthermore he had trouble being
caught in the middle of the conflict between his supervisors and his
subordinates. Eventually he became depressed and refused to go to work.
His colleagues and friends became worried, and expressed their concern, but
he had already lost his confidence in himself. When he came to see me,
there was no hope of going back to work anytime soon, despite being on an
already extended leave. He shows a lot of regret at my clinic saying I miss
those days when I worked well. I get upset with myself that I no longer
have the strength for my work, and as he told me this he became further
depressed.

There are many people like Mr. A. They are in denial of accepting
their depression and criticize themselves further which makes the condition
worse. Behind this phenomenon, there is an underlying issue of
authoritarianism.

Authority (pseudo/power) is materialistic, superficial and virtual.
Political power, social status, wealth, pedigree, and education are all
considered examples of authority. To an extent, youth, health, beauty, and
even style could be included as an authority since they are all superficial
virtual power. When people whose fundamental values are based on these
powers lose their authority, they lose their foundation of life. They will
blame themselves if they cannot work, or belittle themselves when they
become ill. These thoughts are based on the authoritative value. In
contrast, Nichiren Daishonin, whom I respect, a great Buddhist monk from
the 13
th
century in Japan, was always proud of his social status as a child of
Sendara, the lowest caste during an era when the family lineage and status
were of absolute value. Throughout his whole life, he fought against the
power of the state, which is the most powerful authority. There could be no
other clear comparison to see the contrast between authoritarianism and
humanitarianism than Nichiren Daishonin. Now is the time for each one of us
to realize our greatness and to be independent without authority.

15. The Pitfalls of Perfectionism

We have been taught throughout our childhood that once you start,
you should complete it, and dont give up. Diligence, perfection and a
strong sense of responsibility are the virtues of the Japanese culture.
However, these traits often trap people. Especially when I see people
suffering from depression, I am often surprised at how influential these
beliefs are on them.

One of the major characteristics in a person who is prone to
depression is an obsessive disposition. Usually the person is hard working,
fastidious, exhaustive, dutiful, precise, and has a strong sense of obligation
and responsibility. Unfortunately, these character traits can create an
excessively prolonged state of tension within the person. These are the
values that the Japanese children are repeatedly taught throughout their
childhood, to be an ideal person to earn trust from others.

Today we are living in a society where our values are greatly
diversified. Those who show personality traits mentioned above, however,
easily become stressed in this diversified society and easily fall into
depression. In the past times where things were slower and simpler, it was
not that complicated to pursue perfection. But today, things are more
complex and require so much efficiency with speed that makes it is almost
impossible to be perfect. Even if you complete a project and experience
momentarily relief, the next project will be met with reluctance because of
the endless details required for the perfect finish. The Japanese are known
as a highly tense people. However, these virtues such as diligence and strong
responsibility can become problematic as they inadvertently fuel the
obsessive-perfectionist nature.

As a matter of fact, to stop what you are doing midway is a difficult
thing to do. It is important, to be able to start easily, pause, and restart a
project with joy. Such leeway is essential for completing a major task these
days. In this new era, being able to stay flexible in our lives is the wise thing
to do.

16. The Strength of Feeling Pleasure when Failing

The power of imagination is stronger than most people think. For
instance, if you were asked to walk through a path drawn between two lines a
foot apart, itd sound like a piece of cake. However, if both sides of the
lines were a steep cliff, instantly you would feel tense with fear of falling
down the cliff. Despite the fact that the width has not changed, the
moment you imagine your failure and its consequence, a simple walk becomes
prohibitive.

Mr. K is a high school senior who is preparing for his college
examination to be held in a few months. His first choice for college
requires a high aptitude score. The more he recognizes the need to commit
to his studies, the more impatient he becomes and cannot concentrate on
studying. His grades have since been in a downward spiral and nowadays
when he thinks of studying, he physically feels nauseous and gets a headache.
He finally came to see me with his mother.

While perfection implies the elimination of failure and incompleteness,
one who believes in perfection tends to be more vulnerable to the negative
effect of imagination. Mr. K almost always feels butterflies in his stomach
whenever he faces an important occasion and fails to achieve his full
potential.

Many patients like Mr. K that I have seen have caused me to
contemplate about the strength or toughness they needed to be skillful at
handling their failures. A person, who takes failure simply as an experience,
will never be discouraged by it. Furthermore when a person proactively
faces a seemingly impossible task, surprisingly it turns into an exciting
challenge to look forward to, and not an obstacle. A proverb once described
when difficulties arise, these are to be looked on as peaceful practices. In
other words, struggling to overcome obstacles is the state of true
peacefulness. I advised Mr. K, If you could even feel amuse in failure for
your first choice of college, despite the reality, you will gain strength of
inner-self and your future would be even brighter and open wider than your
succeeding at the college examination at this time.
17. Courageous Person

A strong person is someone who will not be thwarted by defeat.
Or, it is rather a person is strong because he can triumph over defeat.

Mr. S is in his late 40s. He has not worked for many years due to
his mental depression and he gravely hates himself. He has been suicidal
as well. His case may be very different from the mainstream but there
are many people who look down on themselves when they experience
defeat, failure, or illness. They tend to say If I accept myself as I am
when miserably defeated, I am only indulging myself in failure. I should
be tougher on myself especially when I am down so I dont become a
loser.

Lets think how you will feel, if your trusted friends criticize your
failure and desert you. You will obviously be further depressed and lose
your confidence in everything. In contrast, if the same friends
understood and encouraged you with warm acceptance despite the chance
of failure you may be highly motivated to embrace your challenge. It is
important how you are treated by people during critical times. Also, how
you treat yourself, either as a positive supporter or negative critic,
becomes extremely important in overcoming difficulties.

You must summon the courage to believe in yourself especially
when you are at the lowest levels of confidence As in the proverb, The
lion king fears no other beast, nor do its cubs, one who can absolutely
believe that because I am a cub of the lion king, I should be able to
overcome all has a strong will. Only a person who has the strong will to
trust and support oneself no matter what in order to overcome plights is
truly courageous and devoted. Such a person also understands when
other people are in distress, and can offer sincere support. We could call
such a person an example of bravery and having the ability to exert
oneself.

18. The Root Cause of Confinement Syndrome

An expert in child education comments that After more than 20
years of experience in child education, I realize that comparison does not
bring any benefit to children. Comparison is a form of discrimination among
children. The child who always has been compared to others will develop
either a sense of superiority or a feeling of inferiority and eventually
dragged into a slough of these senses. They grow into adults who cannot
accept themselves for who they really are and have no self confidence.

Ms. I is in her late 20s. She had to stop working due to her
nervousness (social anxiety); so she felt when socializing with people, and has
currently been confined to home. Since childhood she has always felt tension
when she is interacting with other people. She is the middle child of three
sisters. Her parents always say to her your other two sisters are pretty
but you are ugly. Despite what her parents said, Ms. I is actually a very
nice looking lady. However, she looks nervous and timid. This is due to her
low self-esteem that has been nested since her childhood. With her low
self-esteem, she always spends her energy taking care of others, as well as
paying attention to how other people evaluate her. Eventually, her nerves
are completely exhausted and she is confined to her home.

There are many young people who become unable to socialize like Ms. I.
Among them, a common factor is that they are highly anxious in their
relationships. This is the result of a childhood centered on competition.
Eventually, these people can no longer sustain the intensity needed to keep
the competition going and they implode. Behind the burst, I can always
detect problems with low-self esteem.

So, I concluded that Ms. Is self-esteem had to be restored. Ms. I
recently said to me, Once I feel good about myself, I feel I am entitled to
love someone. She added that the tension she had been suffering when
interacting with other people has abated, and she actually enjoys going out
again. I can detect more energy in her smile nowadays.

19. The Grasshopper and The Ant

The Grasshopper and the Ant is a fable attributed to Aesop, providing
a moral lesson about hard work and preparation. A lazy grasshopper laughs at
the hardworking ants but when winter comes the grasshopper shivers
without food. Although this lesson is about rationality, an unexpected pitfall
lurks behind the well-reasoned, industrious ants in the story.

Mr. K is in his late 50s. He came to my clinic for therapy after
leaving treatment with another therapist that lasted nearly a year without
any results. Ever since he had paid off his home mortgage and both of his
daughters got married, he has been experiencing some type of depression.
This is what we call unload depression. Essentially, Mr. K had accomplished
his role as bread earner by constantly working hard throughout his life.
Upon fulfilling his responsibility, he simply fell into depression.

Mr. U is a sophomore and feeling empty towards everything. He is
reacting against the harsh preparations he pursued for the college entrance
examination. He is feeling what we call burnt-out syndrome. He feels that
he had missed too many other things while he fought in the examination
war. Moreover, when he contemplates about his future, he anticipates the
need to study harder while in college to get the good job at a prestigious
corporation, and then to persevere further to get promoted within the
corporate ladder. Right now, everything seems hollow to him.

Both Mr. K and Mr. U possess the overly serious character type that
is like an industrious ant and are not enjoying each moment of life. Those
people tend to be deluded by the thoughts of upon hard work, there will be
happiness. However, the present and not the future is the most important
moment. Feeling joy for every action you are taking now is valuable. Enduring
hard work for future happiness is misguided thinking. When you enjoy hard
work in the present moment, it is this attitude that produces the greatest
benefit in life. The outcome of ones work is secondary to this true feeling
of well-being.
20. Play vs. Seriousness real/face/eye

I have noticed that most of my patients are serious people. Somehow
there are very few non-serious patients. I would ask them one question
what is your image of seriousness ? and their answers are almost
always a person who is methodical, committed, and rule-abiding.

In the realm of clinical psychology, there is often a relationship
between sickness and seriousness. Serious people tend to refrain from
showing or voicing their true feelings. When they face a problem or
difficulty, they would rather blame themselves and tend to fall in depression
as a result. It seems that serious people try to conform to rules set by
someone else. However, according to Kojien encyclopedia, the word
seriousness means heartfelt attitude and expression. Therefore, contrary
to the prevailing assumption of the word, the seriousness is, in fact to
express oneself without reservation.

Furthermore, serious people are not good at play; rather they think of
play as guilt ridden. Let us think, for example, of winter mountain climbing.
You climb in frigid conditions with a heavy load of backpack. The danger is
tremendous; the weather can abruptly change; an avalanche can strike; you
may slip or fall down a cliff. However, if you had a playful mind, upon
conquering the summit, you will be exuberant with joy of achievement. And
you may be thinking of yet another difficult mountain to challenge.

On the other hand, if you were climbing the mountain because of your
sense of obligation or by force, the act of overcoming the frigid weather
and physical challenges becomes harder with additional fear and misery.
When you reach the summit, you may feel relief, but at the same time, you
will probably swear never to tackle this again.

A person who experiences difficulty as a part of life and accepts it
can enjoy everything that comes across on his or her path of life. However,
a person who views all events as a serious obligation will have a life full of
plight and burden. My wish is to reexamine the original meaning of
seriousness and have a joyful life.



21 Cant Love The Eldest Child

A perfectionist will pursue perfection because they believe it is a
worthy challenge. When it is failed, however, perfectionist will become easily
trapped in an unnecessary conflict. They become very vulnerable to minor
incidents. This is because of the pursuit of perfection originated from
feelings of negativity within themselves.

S is a 6 years old boy and goes to kindergarten. He suffers from
asthma and epilepsy. His doctor at the university hospital suspects that the
apnea triggered by the asthma attack has led to his epilepsy. Ss mother has
since been blaming herself for not taking proper care of him when it
happened. Lately, when she feels irritated, she dumps her frustration on
her eldest daughter. To make the situation worse, she then criticizes her
own weakness of being unreasonably upset. She has fallen into a vicious
cycle. This is partly due to her strong feelings of responsibility. She does
not have an outlet to defuse her irritation in a healthy way.

Ss mother is just one of many mothers who are troubled by their
abusive behavior toward the eldest child. What is common among these
mothers is that they are overly involved in raising children and they worry
too much about children. In addition, when their expectations are not met,
they feel shocked and start criticizing themselves. The self-accusation
results in attacking the eldest child.

In a situation like this, the mother has lost her emotional balance and
objectivity. She does not allow herself to loosen up. It is very important
that the family members and surrounding people extend help. Then she
herself, also needs to notice that she has, in fact, fallen into a vicious cycle
of self-accusation. In essence, in order for her to regain herself, she must
recognize that child rearing is a big project and feelings of failure or defeat
are a normal part of the process. She can use this opportunity to change
the habit of being self-negative and critical of herself.
22. The Power to Motivate People


Ms. W is a 30 year old single woman. She previously worked at a
corporation, and then decided to return to school because she was no longer
content at her job. She returned to a doctoral study at one of the best
public universities in Japan. Lately, she has been feeling a lack of
confidence in her ability; and the harder she works, the more she struggles
physically and mentally. She is experiencing depression. She feels inferior
to the many excellent students who surround her and has also hit a
roadblock in her research project. She believes these are the reasons for
her depression. However, there is a deeper sense of cause in her case.

Ms. W was an excellent student throughout the school years, but she
had never been praised by her parental love. They would constantly
encourage her to work harder even though she was attaining 100% scores on
her exams. As a result of this pressure she developed an insufficiency
syndrome. No matter how much she excelled, it was never enough. When she
failed, she believed it was due to her own laziness, and she blamed herself.

Certainly, Ms. Ws parents were not trying to damage their daughter;
rather they did it out of parental love. The problem with their approach to
parenting is that they were trying to build successful outcomes based on
negative messages. This type of negativity results in severe self-denial.
Japanese culture is a culture of denial. People who grow up in this culture
will raise their children on the basis of denial: dont spoil the children; dont
let them get conceited; dont let them be lazy. They discipline children with
donts.

One professional photographer shared with me his method of teaching
apprentices. His students advanced more when he pointed out their
strengths rather than their weaknesses. As their strong points grew
stronger and better, their weakness no longer remains a weakness but
become uniqueness. Indeed, people grow best with positive affirmations.


23. Reset

We started the year of 2000 with a Y2K problem. Fortunately it
hasnt become a terrible situation due to efforts of all parties concerned in
that problem. This problem revealed a weakness in our system that had
connoted our dependency on technology. It was a great opportunity to reset
our system and start new again.

Y2K was also an indication of the dawn of a new era in which our social
and individual lives would shift to a global network. Having said that,
resetting our way of life should happen not only at the level of the individual
or the region, but also at the broader level of mankind.

As I see patients with a variety of illnesses every day, I come to feel
that becoming sick is not an accident but a necessary event for these
individuals. As I watch my patients get well, I cannot help but think that if
they hadnt fallen ill they would still be living a life without meaning or
purpose. Even though the temporary suffering and distress was great, the
meaning of life they found during the illness saved them. As a matter of
fact, they were able to reset their lives afterwards because of what they
experienced during their illness.

The other day, a lady who visited me at the end of the year told me
she was always comparing herself to others and degrading herself as
inferior to them. Then she heartily added, But I finally can recognize that I
was evaluating myself from the outside. Now I am motivated to do things
with my own conscience. I love myself just as I am now.

The Y2K problem was preceded by the fear of confusion and chaos.
All in all, however, the reset created a sense of renewal and rebirth. I wish
with all my heart that the new millennium be a turn of the history of
mankind towards humanity.
24. Patience While Sacrificing Oneself or Praising Oneself

Mr. S is a 30 year old reticent, serious, and hard working person.
During the last couple of years on the job, he patiently endured being
shouted at on a regular basis by his boss. He sometimes took days off from
work saying Im tired. He had diarrhea once in a while. His body was
obviously taking a toll from the stress and screaming. He finally came to see
me after refusing to go to work and confining himself in his room for the
past couple of months.

Mrs. N is a 40 year old housewife. She reluctantly accepted 2 jobs
for the Parent-Teacher Association (PTA) at the school where her child
attends. She was doing her best on the assignments and everything was fine
until some trivial problems went wrong. She was misunderstood by the
other PTA members and the facts were twisted further. She has been
depressed since then. Now she can neither answer the phone nor get out of
the house.

The common factor between these two people is that they have
endured a difficult and stressful situation with patience and obedience
without giving themselves credit. As a result, they have both been
spiritually and emotionally broken; they have low self-esteem and self
reproach originally that makes the process hasten further. In other words
they lack compassion and consideration for themselves in this situation. They
believe they are worthless.

In Buddhism, there is a lesson about Nohnin (): patience while
praising oneself. This is an alias of Buddha as well. At first glance, the
word is similar to patience or endurance. However, Nohnin endurance means
to accept all people and their behaviors with compassion and generosity
without losing your own self-dignity and self-respect. It is important to
emphasize that this Nohnin patience is motivated by embracing all with
generosity/big-heartedness, not by suppressing ones own feelings and lack
of self-esteem. This attitude is that ones full potential has been achieved.
For example, if a couple had an argument, and the husband apologized even
though he did not believe he said anything wrong, in order to make peace.
He expected his wife would apologize too. His wife then says:Yes you were
wrong, then the husband questioned his wifes attitude then another round
of fighting began. He apologized and his goal was to make peace, but it did
not work. He was swayed by her response. He reconsidered, and then he
apologized to her again, while he praised himself saying how wonderful a
person I am. This arose from a place of his own dignity and greatness, as a
result he is at peace with his actions.

Life is full of plight. Instead of being defeated by hardship we can
aim to benefit from these challenges without losing our sense of self. Lets
enjoy our lives as we nurture the spirit of Nohnin endurance within.

25. About Compassion

Mr. T is a 25 years old gymnastic instructor who became deadlocked
at work and stopped working. Since then, he lost confidence in himself. He
also experiences painful palpitations and cannot sleep at night. He spends
his days worrying but shows no sign of motivation to improve his life.

These are typical symptoms of depression. Mr. T hates himself which
is common among the depressed. I point him out to illustrate how self-denial
and low self esteem exacerbate the symptoms of depression. He
understands this idea momentarily but then worries that by acknowledging
his depression he is being too soft on himself. He refuses medication
because he is unable to accept himself as someone who depends on
medication. Eventually, he did start taking anti-depressants out of
uneasiness. However, he began worrying if he stopped the medication the
depression would return and even get worse.

Like Mr. T, many patients fall into the trap of running around the
circle of negativity and cannot get out. Without exception, at the root of
this vicious cycle of negative thoughts, I always detect self-denial.

Recently, I rediscovered the word mercy ( love/sorrow) with deep
emotion. When I read this word as love and sorrow, the meaning of the
word was abstract to me. But one day, I read it as love the sorrow, as in
surrounding sorrow with unconditional mercy of love and warming the
grieving heart. Like many people, you might think of mercy as sacrificing
oneself to help and protect other people. However, it is very important to
know that only when you can accept the worst of yourself with mercy can you
truly help and protect others.

So, I advised Mr. T that real courage is to accept the worst qualities
of yourself. Say aloud with determination that you love yourself even if you
are scared and uneasy, and hug yourself with a warm merciful heart of mind.

Mr. T is now working much more comfortably than before, and is
amazed how much he is enjoying the work he once truly hated.


26. Persona

Persona is Latin and acts as the root of words like personality and
person. Originally it meant a mask worn by a theatrical character.
Nowadays, it often describes a widely adopted image of different roles in
society; for example, a teacher or a doctor. The persona represents the
outer part that is the ideal and not the persons true inner character.
Every one seems to have both outer and inner parts within oneself. In
other words, people possess ideal and true intentions within themselves.
Persona is a manifestation of the outer parts of oneself.

Especially among respectable and accomplished people, the persona
sometimes overwhelms who they really are and they lose their ability to
be true to themselves. I have noticed the same strong persona among
my patients as well. Their ability to listen to their own inner voice has
been weakened because they have paid too much attention to their role
of catering to other peoples expectations and suppressing their true
intentions.

Ms. I in her late twenties worked for a company. She suffered
from anxiety with public speaking and meeting clients that she eventually
stopped working. She came to see me when she no longer could stand her
lethargy and home confinement. Two years prior, Ms. I had been treated
for depression for a year. Although she is depressed, her face is smiling
all the time. Even when she is down or angry, she has kept her face
smiling in front of people and eventually it is as if her persona has molded
onto her face.

After two years of exercises in expressing her inner intentions,
Ms. I has comfortably taken her persona off her face. She has evolved
to a point where she was able to send a Dear John letter to her
boyfriend. She became more appropriate and assertive with her
supervisor. While she talks about how much she has changed, her face
grows brighter with confidence.
27 . A Catch in Self Sacrifice

Ms. S is in her 30s and was elected president of her local PTA last year.
She was a hard working person to begin with and since her election, has devoted
herself even more to the organization. In fact, she was putting too much
pressure on herself to meet expectations. She eventually fell into depression
and resigned her post. When another person took over her position, she
criticized herself for her inabilities and felt guilty about not meeting her own
expectations and became more depressed. She came to see me accompanied
with her husband.

There are many people like Ms. S in this world. Instead of the challenge
bringing out the best in self and others, these men and women believe that self-
sacrifice is the true way of righteousness. They then blame themselves further
for eventual failure and sickness saying I am not worth living. I am better off
dead.

One of the reasons to become a victim of self-sacrifice is that it is
considered as a virtue in Japanese culture. Japanese men and women are raised
with the virtues of humbleness, modesty, humility, reserved disposition,
patience, and endurance. They are also told, Dont depend on someone, get
along with others, dont get carried away, dont be conceited, and dont over
indulge. All of these mandates are about dont express yourself, but suppress
yourself and they encourage self-sacrifice. In my practice, I detect that
these types of social standards embedded in Japanese culture are deeply
connected to peoples depression.

I advised Ms. S with my honest opinion that this is a good opportunity to
notice that you have indeed treated yourself poorly by placing other people
before you and always convincing yourself If I just endure this plight or as
long as I endure myself everything will be fine. The depression itself is calling
upon you and telling you how wrong you have treated yourself.

I truly feel that the ailment gives an opportunity to redirect ones life.
It is my greatest pleasure to hear from my patient If I would have been living
that life without becoming sick, I would have felt frightened. I feel grateful
for being sick.


28. The Origin of Well Behaved Child

A mother came to see me for a consultation about her son M, a high
school senior. M, whose disposition appears quiet and well behaved, has
lately become rebellious towards his mother. He refuses to eat a meal
together and takes it into his own room. In school, though, M is active,
cheerful, and gets along with his friends. The mother suspects that he is
jealous of the close relationship she has with his younger brothers.

With the birth of the second child when M was 2, he regressed and
behaved like an infant. When the third son was born, the mother slept
between the second and the third sons leaving M out of the circle. Although
the mother felt sorry for M, because he had always been quiet and behaved,
she felt at ease somehow and did not foresee any problems.

This kind of problem is not uncommon. She is rather fortunate to see
him rebel during the early stages of his life. Those who rebel much later in
life have the higher possibility of suffering from serious problems like
depression, reclusion, paranoia, antisocial behavior, and panic disorder.

The first child experiences a relative interruption of parental love
upon the arrival of a younger brother or sister. In order for him or her to
regain the parents interest, a child can go one of three ways; acting like an
infant to be taken care of, bullying younger siblings to be chided, or being an
overly good child to be praised. The first two actions are created to
attract instant parental attention. The last action of being a good child,
however, only makes the parents feel easy, thereby less attention will be
paid on the child. The child then tries harder to be a good child and
unnecessarily suppresses him or herself as a result. The better he or she
becomes, the less attention the parents give to the child. Thus the vicious
cycle of the good child pattern is established. The break down of the cycle
becomes conspicuous during the teenage period or even worse if it drags into
adulthood with various problems.




29. No Work, No food

Every society has values. What is important in one culture, however,
may not be in another. Depending on what is valued, something that is
universal in all societies may have two very different meanings. For example,
the Japanese has a clich One who does not work should not be fed. In
contrast, the Latin people believe one works for pleasure.

Mr. T, 45 years old, had numbness in his head since he fell 2 years ago.
It eventually developed into a severe occipital headache. He thought he was
too tired, took one month off from work and the symptoms disappeared.
Once he started working again the numbness and headache came back at
once. He went to see a doctor and took another sick day off. All the while,
Mr. T was not really rested and relaxed but worrying about being in trouble
with the company and was anxious to return as soon as possible. When he
did return to work, he worked at a slower pace and with less of a work load.
Since he is frequently absent from work, his income was halved.

I always tell the following anecdote. There is a horse that is
overworked and exhausted. After a little break, the owner thinks it is
enough and lets the horse work. The horse, however, slows down because
she is not fully recovered but still tired. Then, the owner thinks the horse
is lazy and useless. The owner whips the horse to work. The horse stops
working, and the owner whips. If this were repeated, would there be any
hope that the horse will be fully recovered one day? This sounds terrible
for the horse, but serious people like Mr. T are doing the same to
themselves. Strangely enough, these people do not recognize how torturous
it is. Behind this mentality, I detect the cruel value of One who does not
work should not be fed that is indeed driving people crazy. Like Latin
people, if the purpose of work is for pleasure, there will be no craziness.
As written in the proverb, The world is where people enjoy their lives, my
wish is that we enjoy working and life at the same level of playing where
everything is for pleasure.


30. Two Ways of Cooperation

Miss K is in her mid twenties and working for a corporation.
She has been treated for stress induced bulimia caused by difficult
relationships at the work place. She easily becomes irritated and
when that happens, she sometimes cuts her wrist. Her creed towards
work is to cooperate with everybody including supervisors and co-
workers. She, however, is not successful in doing so. The more she is
inclined to cooperate, the more she becomes nervous, and as a result,
she ends up in failure or being avoided by people. According to Miss
K, cooperation means getting along with other people while
suppressing her honest opinions and emotions. Not only Miss K but
many people fall into this pitfall.

In Japan, a well known clich Harmony earns respect is
prevalent and we value team work and cooperation. However,
cooperation comes in two ways: one that suppresses the individuals
true colors and uniqueness like Miss K, and another that appreciates
uniqueness and true colors. The former type of cooperation will
result in a group that is not harmonious. The pitfall is that team work
and cooperation require unselfishness to a degree but when exceeded,
uniqueness will be lost.

In the movie titled The Seven Samurais directed by Akira
Kurosawa, the seven samurai worriers protect the village that was
repeatedly looted by outlaw samurais. A group of seven samurais,
where each samurai has his own unique expertise, exquisitely
collaborates with strong unity and finally saves the village.

As it is shown in the movie, real cooperation should be
collaborated based on each persons uniqueness that is understood
and respected. Only then can true cooperation be implemented.
31. Inner Intention and Outer Expression

There are people who are overly fearful of hurting or disrupting the
feelings of others. In order to avoid this they agree to everything their
counterpart says and never express their own feelings. At some point,
however, they cant keep it up any further and eventually the relationship
goes sour. I have seen many patients who have gone through this situation.
Their mentality is obsessive fear of being rejected by others.

For example, lets say 9 out of 10 people give you praise except one
who criticizes you. You are then disturbed by this single criticism and lose
your sense of security. In order to attain one hundred percent acceptance,
you suppress your own opinion and blindly accept the common and idealistic
views of everyone else.

What would it be like associating with a person like the one mentioned
above? He/she will certainly be unpleasant to be friends with and the
relationship will never go beyond the superficial. Eventually I will not be so
eager to continue the relationship.

On the other hand, people who are at the top of their class, have
integrity, and are authentic will simply express their own opinions and ideas
without worrying if they will be accepted. As for the listener, he or she will
appreciate this honesty even if the comment may be hurtful at the moment
as long as it is wholeheartedly addressed. In fact, with cordiality and
honesty, both parties can establish a trusting and true friendship. No
wonder these people have many close friends.

My hope is that we develop a nurturing environment where we care for
ourselves and others with an honest expression of our thoughts.
32. Worth of Failure

S is a high school senior and currently preparing for the college
entrance examination. Since he did not do well in his end of term
examinations, he is disgusted with himself and is not eager in his studies.
Sometimes he feels like his friends are gossiping about him. It is obvious to
him that he will fail the college entrance examination if he can not keep up
and do better. The more he worries, the more obsessed he becomes. He
has a history of the same problem, during the year he was preparing for the
high school entrance examination. At that time, he consulted a psychiatrist
for mental instability and insomnia.

S is not the only one. It is in fact quite normal to experience
uneasiness and nervousness out of the fear of possible failure when people
face tough problems such as an entrance examination. As a matter of fact,
like S, the more they fear failure, the more they back themselves into the
corner.

The other day, an article about Soichiro Honda, the founder of Honda
automobile company, caught my attention. In the article, he recalled that
99% was a series of failures that was followed by 1 % of what I call my
current success.

This comment reminded me of a game I used to enjoy when I was little.
It was a race to build a tower by piling up mud pies made from sand. The
highest one won. Most of the time I could only go 2 or 3 pies before it
collapsed. If I were to succeed in stacking 10 pies without fail and making
the tower 3 feet tall, it would indeed have been a big accomplishment, but
the tower was so fragile without any support at the bottom and could
collapse with one stroke. In comparison, as one pie tumbles down on top of
previous attempts, it would eventually lead to a solid wide foundation like the
foot of Mt. Fuji. A tower completed on a foundation like this will not
collapse so easily.

We tend to desire an error-free life and feel even 10% of failure as
hopeless. The greatness of Soichiro Honda is, needless to say, that he
continuously believed in himself while he was piling up 99% of trials and
errors without giving up on himself. This is simply admirable.
33. Its OK. Just Fine as It Is.

There is a noticeable common character among serious and hard
working people in which they are constantly telling themselves, it is not
good enough, I should do better. They do not notice when things are
fine. However, when they hit a roadblock of failure or illness, they
almost always mumble this is not ok. They continue and most likely will
end up failing, because they are acting on impatience and anxiety. They
end up becoming victims of a vicious cycle.

There is a psychological term called fundamental trust. If a child
develops fundamental trust and peace with surrounding people, especially
their mother prior to turning a year old, this will positively affect the
childs development thereafter. If a child could not develop this
fundamental trust for some reason, it will trigger various problems and
sickness later in life. In essence, this fundamental trust becomes the
foundation of human growth and the condition of good health and
happiness is derived from it.

I have heard how to save one from drowning when losing control in
a rapid stream. Out of anxiety of being drowned, you may frantically try
to swim towards the bank. Despite your efforts, you exhaust yourself
and drown. The only way to survive is to relax your whole body. The body
floats when relaxed so you flow with the water long enough. There is a
chance to be rescued down the river.

It is critical when facing difficult problems and feeling deadlocked
to have the courage to accept yourself as you are and say its ok, it is
just fine as it is. With the possession of fundamental trust and peace
you can feel strong. This is a great starting point to overcoming
difficulties in the future.

34. Can You List 100 Good Points About Yourself?


What is your first reaction when you read this title? Please
remember it and start reading the following.

We are unconsciously observing ourselves. Normally we are unaware
of this self-observation but it surfaces when we become ill or face failure.
In fact, our meaning of life and value is determined by whether we see
ourselves positively or negatively.

Lets say, for instance, there is a boy named Taro who is in the first
grade at the elementary school. Teacher A evaluates him cold-heartedly and
sees him as a problematic child. He has a couple of good points but all the
rest are bad. On the other hand, teacher B observes him as excellent. He
brings problems here and there, and this is proof that he is a fulfillment of
energy and his future is very bright. He easily has more than 100 good
points. If you were Taro, which class would you like to be in? In teacher
As class, you may rebel or feel shrunk and strained, while in teacher Bs
class, you may feel safe and encouraged to grow further with your
uniqueness.

Whether you observe teacher A or B will come to light when you try
to find 100 good points about yourself. If you are evaluating yourself like
teacher A, who is critical and cold-hearted, it is impossible to find 100 good
points about yourself. However, if you are able to find 100 good points
without a problem, you are indeed looking at yourself with a warm and kind
heart like teacher B.

When you are sick, recovery will be difficult as long as you are looking
down at yourself and criticizing. Realize that how you look at yourself
matters and then change the way you see yourself. This is the essence for
the cure and I have seen many patients who are resuscitated by
understanding the importance of positive observance.

35. Stuffed Toy Animal Treatment

I have observed that healthy and successful people have characters
commonly observed in children. They are very friendly, charming, and show
their true colors. On the other hand, those who keep their distance from
others and are prone to be misunderstood suppress and hide their honest
feelings and intentions.

The numbers of young people who have difficulties in relationships are
endless, and they almost always complain about how no one understands me.
There are some similar patterns and they roughly come into two types: one
who is unsocial and withdrawn, and one who excessively tries to be nice to
surrounding people. The common ground for both types is that their honest
feelings, opinions, and intentions are not properly conveyed. It is quite
obvious that no one can understand the other unless their true feelings are
properly expressed. However, the problem is that in many of these cases,
they are not even aware of what their true feelings are.

I urge these people to have a stuffed toy animal treatment in order
for them to find and to raise their own inner child. Get the stuffed toy
animal, the fluffier the better to hug, and give it a name. Then, speak to it
as many as 30 times a day. During the night, snuggle and sleep with it. At
first, you may feel strange and shy. This is because you are accustomed to
suppressing that inner child instead of embracing it.

Lately, a snuggle pillow is getting very popular, and one of the most
popular is a drooping eyed panda. This certainly has an effect of the
stuffed toy animal treatment.
36. Two Ways of Hard Work

I recently read a book which presented two different ways of
describing ganbaru (hard work). One way is stubbornly (gan)-tensed
(baru) mode and the other face (gan)-bright (baru) mode.

These days many Japanese baseball players like Matsui, Ichiro, and
Nomo to name a few are in the spotlight playing for the American league.
Even though they were very popular and well-accepted playing in Japan,
they still left to play in the United States, the home of baseball. I am
certain that they left not for fame or money, but for the self-
actualization.

On the other hand, I remember one marathon player T who
challenged his own limit as well and was awarded a bronze medal during
the Tokyo Olympic game. He was praised by the media and the Japanese
people, and was given high expectations for a gold medal in the next
Olympic game. T, a hard worker to begin with, worked harder to meet
everyones expectations without fail. He ended his own life with the
suicide note I cant run any more. Im sorry for not being able to fulfill
your expectations.

Both Matsui and T are working hard. However, Matsui is working
hard for himself in the face-bright ganbaru mode while T is working hard
not for himself but for others in the stubbornly-tense ganbaru mode. In
other words, the hard work associated with face-bright mode is to
make the most of one self while the stubbornly-tense mode implies
suppressing oneself and enduring needlessly.

I introduce these two anecdotes to patients during counseling and
ask them, Which ganbaru have you been practicing? Most of them
answer stubbornly-tensed and see enduring hard work as simply good
virtue. I wish them to work hard with face- bright mode from now on.
37. To Learn to Love Yourself Completely

The relationship you have with yourself can be similar to one between
a teacher and student. Take the example of first grader Hanako. She is
bright, happy, and positive and wants to learn. She excels in academics and
sports, is kind to her classmates, and shows a natural tendency to be a
leader. Her teacher cannot help but adore and favor this exuberant student.

However, one day Hanako commits a big mistake which causes her to
become quite depressed. Her grades fall and she retreats into her shell and
is a shadow of her former self.

Instead of attempting to bring Hanako out of her melancholy, the
teacher begins to dislike his student. He sees her terrible grades, gloomy
attitude and lack of drive as a negative influence on the rest of his class and
wishes for Hanako to be transferred to another class. He begins to resent
his former favorite student and treats her coldly, which in turn does not
help Hanako. She becomes more depressed, and starts to rebel against
others.

Those who like certain aspects of their personality and despise the
other not so desirable qualities have relationships with themselves that can
be compared to that of Hanako and her teacher. In the same way that
Hanako will have a hard time coming out of her despair with an unsupportive
teacher, those who only like themselves partially will have a complicated time
getting through lifes challenges without falling into some kind of self-
loathing.

For example, those who are unable to go to work due to severe
depression experience a never ending cycle of self-pity which leads to more
sadness. Parallel to the way the teacher adores the successful Hanako and
dislikes the depressed Hanako, the adult self and the inner child are at
conflict with each other. When this occurs, it is easy to see how the despair
can get so serious that many contemplate ending their life.

One way to break out of this cycle is to move Hanako out of this class
and into another where despite her low grades and lack of popularity among
her classmates her teacher still accepts her and loves her. Even though
others may make fun of her and bully her, this new teacher protects her and
believes in her no matter what. In this kind of nurturing environment
Hanako has a chance to relax. And with this moment of peace comes the key
to Hanakos recovery.

Many view recovery as the visible change seen when ones demeanor
goes from dark and depressed to happy and bright. However, I believe that
true healing occurs when we change how our inner adult/teacher sees the
inner child within all of us. We can all make a conscious decision to either be
the cold and hateful teacher or the warm and loving teacher. To improve our
relationship with ourselves, we all need to see ourselves through the eyes of
the warm and loving teacher.

Our inner child can fluctuate easily and quickly from successful and
likeable to miserable and dejected. It is impossible to go through life
without making any mistakes or feeling blue. It is important to keep treating
ourselves like the warm and loving teacher and to accept ourselves in any
condition, no matter how successful or depressed we may be feeling at the
moment.

What I have been working on in my practice is to help my clients
cultivate the warm and loving teacher in all of us and by doing so change the
way we see and treat ourselves in different situations. However this is very
hard for someone to do after so many years of supporting the cold and
hateful teacher within themselves. To get started, the first step in their
recovery involves saying out loud positive affirmations. Apologizing to
yourself for being so judgmental and unforgiving and then voicing out I love
you, instead of you use your first name, to that inner child can set in
motion the healing process.

Even though the client may not believe in what they are saying at first,
after many repetitions the mind starts to shift and they begin to truly
believe. I advise my patients to say I love you to themselves at least once
every 5 minutes. I also tape each session and have them listen to them at
home so the idea of the treatment is always on the back of their mind.

Most clients tell me that after about the 10
th
playback of their
session they finally start to understand what I have been saying. When
hearing one idea over and over, it seems that eventually they understand the
concept through mind and body. In the same way, after repeating I love
you over and over to themselves, the patients are less resistant to the idea
and accept it fully without too many questions. They experience that a-ha
moment when all of a sudden it all makes sense and what once was just
positive affirmations are now truths within themselves.