If You See My Liver,

Youve Gone Too Far.

Okay, get prepared, because this story is
kind of depressing and is about dead
babies I kno! Ew "ut they dont all die,
and in the end everything is #ne Most$y If
you %ust forget about a$$ those dead
babies Or if you ca$$ the& fetuses 'a$$ing
the& fetuses &akes it fee$ &ore c$inica$
and $ess sad, but I& pretty sure I get to
ca$$ the& !hatever I !ant, because
theyre my dead babies (nd no, I& not
ca$$ing the& )babies* instead of )fetuses*
for any po$itica$ reason, because I&
actua$$y tota$$y prochoice
and you can do !hatever you !ant !ith
your body, but stop hi%acking this chapter,
assho$e, because this is about &e God,
you have a problem So, ho! do you !rite
so&ething funny about dead babies+
(ns!er, You cant. So get prepared
I ALWAYS IMAGINED that !hen I got
pregnant it !ou$d be a!eso&e, and
everything !ou$d go perfect$y, and Id
pose for a$$ those artfu$$y naked, pregnant
-e&i Moores.ue pictures and put the& a$$
over &y house, and sudden$y Id have less
ce$$u$ite In rea$ $ife, though, I found out I
!as pregnant, pro&pt$y got so sick I cou$d
hard$y &ove, and thre! up into &y o/ce
garbage can a$$ day $ong It started to
beco&e obvious to everyone that I !as
either pregnant or dying, so 0ictor and I
decided to go ahead and te$$ everyone
(nd everyone !as thri$$ed, e1cept for the
c$eaning $ady at &y o/ce !ho
had to e&pty &y trash can I had a$!ays
!anted to be a &other I didnt rea$$y $ike
other peop$es babies, but I never
considered that a %ob re.uire&ent, as I
assu&ed that &y baby !ou$d be kick2ass,
or !ou$d at $east .uick$y turn into a kid (t
&y core !as a need that I cou$dnt .uite
verba$i3e I !anted to be part of &y fa&i$y
$egacy I !anted to give a chi$d the kind of
&agica$ chi$dhood I !anted I !anted to
see a s&a$$ re4ection of &yse$f and the
generations before &e in a ne! face, and
be reborn again too I !anted to have
so&eone to beat at Scrabb$e 0ictor and I
picked out na&es, bought baby s!eaters,
and !ondered !hat our $ives !ou$d be $ike
as parents ( fe! !eeks before the
second tri&ester, 0ictor and I !ent into
the doctors o/ce for an u$trasound I
hadnt s$ept &uch that night, because Id
had a panic attack and ended up ca$$ing
&y sister at &idnight, hysterica$$y ye$$ing,
)O5MYGO-, WHAT IF THE BABYS A
RE!B"I#A$%* Then she hung up on &e
because she en%oys being unsupportive
Or &aybe she !as &ad that I ca$$ her on$y
at &idnight !hen I& having panic
attacks I dont rea$$y kno! 6hat I do
kno!, though, !as that I !as braced to
hear a$&ost anything in that e1a& roo&
)Its t!ins*
)Its trip$ets*
)Its a 7epub$ican*
)Its a s&a$$ bear*
Granted, that $ast one see&ed un$ike$y,
but I !as &enta$$y prepared for a$&ost
anything8anything e1cept for !hat the
doctor actua$$y to$d us, That there !as no
heartbeat That the baby !as dead That
&these th'n(s happen )or the best.* (nd
this is !hen I broke It !asnt obvious fro&
the outside I didnt cry I didnt screa& I
!ent nu&b, and then I rea$i3ed that this
!as a$$ &y fau$t If Id gone to church, or
be$ieved in the right God, this !ou$dnt
have happened The e1a& roo& door !as
the un$ucky nu&ber that fa$$s after t!e$ve,
and Id !anted to ask for another roo&
but had been too e&barrassed to say !hy
If Id de&anded another roo&, the baby
!ou$d sti$$ be a$ive There !ere a &i$$ion
reasons !hy this !as happening, and a$$ of
the& !ere because of &e I nu&b$y
fo$$o!ed 0ictor do!n the ha$$s, and for the
#rst ti&e in &y $ife
I serious$y considered suicide I !ondered
if I !ou$d be fast enough to s$ip a!ay fro&
0ictor before he noticed that I !as gone I
!ondered if the bui$ding !as ta$$ enough
to ki$$ &e if I %u&ped, or if Id %ust !ake up,
broken physica$$y as !e$$ as &enta$$y, in a
hospita$ bed I !ondered !hat I cou$d do
to not have to ever dea$ !ith this, because
I kne! I !asnt strong enough to co&e out
!ho$e on the other side 6e !ent ho&e,
and !hi$e I !aited to &iscarry, I had 0ictor
ca$$ everyone and te$$ the& to never+ ever
&ention this to &e again 9o 4o!ers, no
)I& sorrys* $oth'n(. "ecause I kne! that
the on$y !ay I cou$d survive this !ou$d be
to b$ock it fro& &y &ind (nd that &ight
have been easier to do e1cept for the fact
that I ,',nt &iscarry I continued to carry
the baby for another &onth and then I had
a nervous breakdo!n My doctor rea$i3ed
I needed this to end i&&ediate$y and
perfor&ed the surgery There !ere
co&p$ications fro& the procedure, and I
ended up having a painfu$, he&orrhaging
&iscarriage that night ( !eek $ater I !as
diagnosed !ith post2trau&atic stress
disorder and put on an antidepressant that
&ade &e suicida$ Wh'ch
's not really how an ant',epressant 's
suppose, to wor-+ turns out My
psychiatrist !orked !ith &e unti$ I !as
eventua$$y ab$e to $eave the house !ithout
having a breakdo!n, and eventua$$y I got
better and stronger and !as ready to try
again (nd then I got pregnant again
(nd then I $ost it again I s!itched doctors
and de&anded to be tested for everything
in the
books Thats !hen I found out that I had
antiphospho$ipid antibody syndro&e,
!hich I cou$d bare$y even spe$$ I !ent
ho&e and $ooked it up on the Internet and
it basica$$y said, )YO:7; GOI9G TO -I;,*
but then &y
doctor to$d &e that it !asnt that big of a
dea$ Its a rare autoi&&une disease that
causes b$ood c$ots, and !orsens during
pregnancy I to$d her that I !as pretty sure
that I a$so had po$io and testicu$ar cancer,
and she said
that I !asnt a$$o!ed to read 6ebM-
any&ore
I !as put on a regi&en of baby aspirin and
I !as a$$, )Serious$y+ Fucking baby
asp'r'n+* "ut &y doctor assured &e that it
!ou$d thin &y b$ood
enough to stop having &iscarriages (nd
thats !hen I had another &iscarriage
'oincidenta$$y, this is the sa&e ti&e !hen
I screa&ed, &F!#. BABY ASIRI$+* and &y
doctor agreed to prescribe a heavy2duty
treat&ent of e1pensive b$ood thinners,
and I !as a$$, &Hell+ yeah.* Then she said,
)5eres your giant du<e$ bag of syringes
so that you can in%ect the &edication
direct$y into your b$oodstrea&,* and I
thought, )Oh I have ma,e a terr'ble
m'sta-e.* "ut I took a deep breath and I
started giving &yse$f in%ections In the
sto&ach T!ice a day
(fter &any, many &onths of shots I found
&yse$f pregnant again This ti&e I !as
getting further a$ong than ever before and
every ti&e !e had an u$trasound I !ou$d
sti$$ !ince in terror, certain that the baby
!ou$d be gone "ut it !asnt I kept &y
appoint&ents and ada&ant$y insisted that
none of the& fa$$ on the un$ucky2
nu&bered day =eop$e thought I !as
insane, and I !as >Sti$$ a&? "ut I !asnt
taking any chances, and curing &y
!orsening O'- !asnt as i&portant to &e
as keeping the baby a$ive "y the eighth
&onth &y sto&ach !as huge and tight,
and I didnt have any e1tra fo$ds of fat to
pinch a!ay that I cou$d stick the syringes
into My doctor insisted that a$though the
need$es !ere .uite $ong, they !ere not
$ong enough to actua$$y reach the baby,
but I !as terri#ed that I !ou$d end up
in%ecting b$ood thinners into her head, and
so I !ou$d ye$$, )MO0;, "("Y GO TO YO:7
L;FT O7 YO:7; GOI9G TO G;T
ST("";-* )/y $eft 9ot your $eft :n$ess
youre facing &y be$$y button Then its
your $eft too If you can see &y $iver
youve gone too far* Then 0ictor $ooked at
&e !orried$y and I !as a$$, )You kno!, you
coul, he$p,* and he !as $ike, &What can I
even ,o% You have obv'ously lost your
m'n,.* Then I g$ared at hi& unti$ he #na$$y
sighed resigned$y, !a$ked around &e,
$eaned do!n, and shouted at the $eft side
of &y sto&ach, )T5IS 6(Y, "("Y MO0;
TO6(7- MY 0OI';@* (nd I s&i$ed at hi&
gratefu$$y, but after I #nished the shot
0ictor &uttered, )If this doesnt !ork out
!ere %ust getting a puppy,* !hich !as
kind of a cra3y thing to say, because !e
a$ready had a puppy Ti&e crept by unti$ it
!as #na$$y ti&e to induce 0ictor kne! I
!as scared, but I !asnt so nervous about
the pain I !as terri#ed because the risk of
sti$$birth is so &uch higher !ith
antiphospho$ipid syndro&e 0ictor
&ur&ured s!eet, supportive things in &y
ear, but they sounded so unnatura$
co&ing fro& his &outh that I cou$dnt stop
gigg$ing hysterica$$y, and everyone $ooked
at &e $ike I !as the cra3y one, and so I
to$d 0ictor he !asnt a$$o!ed to speak
any&ore Then one &ore push, and there
!as si$ence (nd then the beautifu$ sound
of crying It !as &e crying (nd then it
!as 5ai$ey crying My s!eet, beautifu$
daughter (nd it !as a&a3ing (s I he$d
her in &y ar&s, 0ictor cried, and I !as
#$$ed !ith so &uch !onder&ent and a!e
that it fe$t as if &y chest !ou$d e1p$ode
Then the epidura$ started to !ear o< and I
re&e&ber thinking that it !ou$d be nice if
this babys &other !ou$d co&e and take
her so that I cou$d get so&e s$eep (nd
then I re&e&bered that I !as that babys
&other Then I fe$t a $itt$e scared for both
of us It !asnt unti$ that very &o&ent
that I actua$$y $et &yse$f be$ieve that I
rea$$y &ight be ab$e to be so&eones
&other