Chapter 11

Volume VII, Issue 1 #news December 2011

20 lb. Barbell Learns to
Sit, Stay in Weight
Training Class
See CAN NOW RESPOND BY
NAME
Page this counts for 1 credit >>

Junior Hallway
Declares Independence
See PERMANENT BLANKET
FORTS ERECTED
Page small children terrified >>


Hunters TEDx Talks
Inspire Millions
See HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT
THE SUNLIGHT
Page sleep no more >>
Hunter Spending Hits Debt Ceiling
BY PRISCILLA GUO
STAFF WRITER
After years of deficit spending on chalkboards, SmartBoards,
SmarmBoards, and board games, Hunter College High School has finally hit
its debt ceiling, the absolute limit on the amount of debt the school can hold.
Unemployment rates have hit an all time high, with 100% of non-farm-related
students lacking full-time employment. Prices have skyrocketed. The school
is charging us for use of desks next to windows. The rent is too damn high!
Jimmy McMillan Jr., a math teacher, said.
G.O. presidential candidate and Famiglia's devotee Kermit Hain
proposed a 9:99 plan, in which classes would start at 9:99 in the morning.
Despite the fact that the proposal is impossible to implement and is unrelated
to the budget deficit, the 9:99 plan has caught on. Yet the intellectual elite of
the school is opposed. Complex problems, like when to start the school day,
have complex answers, said one expert, Peter Koi. Though 9:99 may be easy
to remember, it can't work. We need a more thoughtful solution, like 8:17 and
32.10067 seconds.
Debt Ceiling, continued on page 3

8
th
Grade C/T Grades Major Factor in College Application
BY CHARLIE BARDEY
STAFF WRITER
A Yale Admissions Officer disclosed last Tuesday that the prestigious
institution, following standard admissions practice, only considers at the grade
received in 8
th
grade Communications and Theatre when considering the
admission of prospective students.
The announcement was met with much enthusiasm from current
seniors, who felt that the college process was now much less stressful
I no longer have to worry about my B- in 9
th
grade Spanish, said
senior Chad Rutledge. Now I know for sure what grades colleges will be
looking at.
For many, the news confirmed the arbitrary nature of college
admissions. The college process never really made sense to me said senior
Victoria Bliss. The whole thing always seemed to be completely random. I
guess it is.
Other students were dismayed that their years of hard work were for
naught. Its not fun realizing all those sleepless nights were pointless, said
junior Rose Sebert. I pulled an all-nighter for my 10
th
grade term paper. Why
did I do that? If I had known that nothing after 8
th
grade CT mattered, I
couldve watched much more television.

C/T Grades, continued on page 6

Student Finishes
Incomplete
See DISCOVERS CURE FOR
Page Fourteen >>






2
PA System Brings Hunter into
Mid-20
th
Century

BY TAL BOGOLMONY
STAFF WRITER
It was a proud moment for the Hunter
Community when the new P.A. System was turned on
for the first time. As the
sound of the principal
coughing for a moment, and
then welcoming students
to the 2011-2012 school year
(I would like to wish you all
a great year at Hunter, and
please be nice to the seventh
graders,) resonated through
the school, Hunterites marveled at the new technology
and at Hunters continued ability to surge ahead to the
1950s.
Wow, said one mesmerized student, senior
Fernando Garron. Its amazing that weve finally
finished this project. I cant wait to brag to my
grandma that my school is officially as technologically
advanced as hers. Freshmen in the biology class for
which Garron is the teaching intern later reported that,
when an announcement asked for two students to
come to the main office, dropped his SmartBoard
marker in awe.
Other students, however, felt uneasy.
It really gives me the creeps, whispered
eighth Britney Winter. I feel liked I'm being watched
all the time. I really dont think Hunter is ready for

Next up: Typewriters
this level of communication between classrooms and
the administration.
Jared Smith, a seventh grader, presumably felt
similarly, as he shrugged and ran away when Chapter
11 attempted to interview him. The staff has also been
mixed in its reception to the new technology. English
teacher Mr. Neil Streicher was thrilled with the
change, noting that it makes Hunter seem just like
that school in Grease. However, other faculty
members have complained about the frequent
interruptions to classes, and still others have remained
eerily silent regarding the entire matter.
At least one student, however, believes
something is seriously wrong.
According to sophomore Amanda Ryans, who
spent last year on the Middle States Committee and
thoroughly investigated the history of P.A. systems at
Hunter, Hunters technology should be far ahead of
where it is now. If the legends are correct, she says,
then a long, long, long time ago, one of our principals
offended Technosis, the Norse god of technology. The
facts are sort of vague, she explained, But I put two
and two together and got five, and my data shows that
the principal, and all principals after him, were left
with the curse of never having the current technology.
Technosis obviously screwed up a bit, because the
curse only meant we couldnt have the technology
available at that time. And since the only technology
we had back then were working clocks and P.A.
systems, well, it really explains why we havent had
those things until this year, when our newest principle
broke the curse.
News in Brief
Dr. Fisher Still Here
It was confirmed at 7:58 yesterday morning
that Dr. Fisher is indeed still here. The news was
first reported by Public Safety officers, who told
Chapter 11 that Dr. Fisher had waved and said Hi,
before proceeding upstairs without becoming
seriously ill, moving to rural Maine, or deciding to
join the administration of a charter school. He was
reportedly wearing a solid blue tie, leading to
speculation that he will be forced out due to
professional attire by Hunter College.


Seniors Stressed
A report issued last week by Peer
Leadership confirmed that the class of 2012 is
experiencing record levels of stress due to the stress
others are placing on not stressing about stress.
The stress placed on stress reduction
workshops is making me realize how stressed I
am, said senior Kim Lang. So Im stressing out
over my stress and my counselors stress over my
stress. Its a very stressful environment to stress in.
The stress on stress shows no signs of
becoming unstressed.

Debt Ceiling, from page 1:
Upper East Side resident and sitting G.O. President Thomas Huntington has proposed an increase in taxes on
the financially gifted. Something is wrong when my recording secretary pays the school more than I do, he
said. #occupy94thstreet! His bill, however, has not passed the G.O. senate. His supporters blame
obstructionism. As of press time, no members of the Senate could be found for comment.
The Administration has a plan B for raising revenues, says one source. Unfortunately, B stands for 'bake
sale.' That's the way the cookie crumbles, I guess.

Degrassi Class Watches Health Video
BY ERIC MANNES
MANAGING EDITOR
Ms. Brody's 8th grade Degrassi class watched a
documentary titled Don't Get Chlamydia last
Tuesday. The film came in place of the next lesson in
the curriculum, which involved watching Sunglasses
at Night, the seventeenth episode from season six of
the show Degrassi: The Next Generation, and a
discussion of how the editing techniques in the
episode were affected by the Odessa Steps sequence of
Battleship Potemkin.
Tuesday was the ninth class of the year not
spent watching an episode of Degrassi. It's important
for students to gain a thorough knowledge of the
show, said Ms. Brody, but for that classroom
understanding to be useful in their lives, they need to
see how the themes in Degrassi connect to real-life
issues that all teens deal with, including sexually
transmitted diseases, school shootings, and
Canadians.

Some students were skeptical. I think Ms. Brody just
wanted to get a break from teaching for a day, said
They need to see how the themes
in Degrassi connect to real-life
issues that all teens deal with,
including sexually transmitted
diseases, school shootings, and
Canadians.
one girl. But if she and the rest of the Degrassi
department don't take their classes seriously, how can
we?
We watch random videos half the time, said
another student. Are we still really learning about
Degrassi? We might as well be taking a health class.




Special thanks to the PTA
for their generous grant!



4
SPIRIT DAY 2011
Spirit Day Moved to Sudan
BY DAVID MOON
STAFF WRITER
Hunter held yet another rainy Spirit Day, this
yearin Sudan. The brainchild of the We-Need-75-
Hours Club, the venue change was proposed after a
detailed statistical analysis of historical data revealed
that Spirit Day has a 100% chance of precipitation. If
we're going to get rain whether we move Spirit Day to
spring or not, said Alexa Chen, president of the club,
we might as well put it to good use.
The region of Darfur suffers from drought,
resulting in unproductive soil and famine. The
inclement weather from Spirit Day replenished the
water table under millions of acres of farmland,
allowing crops to grow once again.
Student response was mixed. Although some
were unsatisfied with the number of bathrooms at the
site, it was generally agreed that diversity had never
been higher. The large G.O. barbecue was raided half-
way through the event by local bandits, leaving behind
nothing but the cafeteria beef patties. Many wanted to
take walks around the lake as soon as enough water
fell to form one. A group of unpopular individuals
were not informed of the location change, and had
been placed on a bus headed towards Bear Mountain,
where they were faced with minimal rainfall and a
distinct lack of barbecue. All students were awarded 9
service hours.
The Sudanese were thrilled. Citizens within the
affected radius set up buckets and tarps to fill their
formerly dry
reservoirs.
A group of
singers
performed a
rendition of
Steve
Reich's It's
Gonna
Rain
during the halftime show of the Junior-Senior football
game. Many locals prayed in a drum circle ritual to the
spirits of Chukwu, Mendis, and Shark Kent. Imagine
how much water we could receive if we had Spirit
Day every day! said Kimbo Msonga, one farmer. As
of press time, the administration was unavailable for
comment.

They are also in th12.
Juniors, Seniors Resolve Differences and Attend Hike

BY SUSMITA PAUL
STAFF WRITER
At this years Junior/Senior football game, a
surprising turn of events inspired both grades to desert
the field and join the Occupy Football Field
movement. In an attempt to get an administrative-
approved yet unsanctioned senior walkout for this year
and the next, 2012 and 2013 combined forces and
embraced their nonviolent side.
The game, which was scheduled to start at 11,
was postponed for fifteen minutes as students from
across the field ran towards each other, shouting as
they converged in the middle, at which point seniors
began to chant Were in th12! and juniors chimed
in, following the lead of grade cheer leader, Barley
Chardey, Were in th12 too! Soon afterwards, both
teams scrambled to join the hike that had departed a
half hour earlier. Herds of blue and red soon dissolved
into a flash of purple as students ran, cheering, up the
mountain.
Many students and teachers found themselves
surprised by the decision to cancel the game.
Freshman Harold Bloom was heard saying, while
contemplating a new G.O. delicacy, the grilled cheese,
I dont get it. I just dont get it. Overcoming issues by
hiking? Said a physics department representative, I
saw this kid in a blue-collar shirt with animal heads on
it about to trip on a tree's roots during the hike, and I
just couldnt bear seeing a deliveryman fall, you
know? They are honorable, working Americans too!
The event signified both a breaking of an
annual tradition, and also a huge step forward in
decreasing animosity between the two grades. Were
all swell, said one junior who believes that this years
juniors and seniors are the greatest thing to happen to
Hunter.
The teachers and administrators who witnessed
the event, in a recent statement released, reported
positive support for the swell-full turn of events.
Soon after the upper termers left, seventh and eighth
grade little sibs stormed the field and played with the
several dozen Frisbees they had brought on the trip..
5
Gym Teachers Sought to Fill in for Biology Teachers
BY TIFFANY WONG
STAFF WRITER
Anyone walking the streets of New York last
summer may have encountered groups of seemingly
distressed people holding delectable muffins with
euglena bits. In a desperate bid to attract instructors
that would fill up vacant seats in the biology sector of
the Science Department, teacher committees were
scouring the city.
Prospects were wearing thin in late July, when
Math teacher Ms. Thisby Sealee, formerly a political
campaign manager, decided it was time to redistrict. In
a moment of clarity, she got up on a chair, lifted her
hands in the air and cried: Ah yes, Ive got it!
Gerrymandering!
And so Hunter began this year with gym
teachers teaching biology classes.
Mr. Xerxes Moar, Physical Education
department chair, offered up gym teachers as soon as
the call went out.
Gym teachers are experts on the physical and
mental health of the body, he said. Granted, they
still need to brush up their knowledge on flora and
fauna, but they know everything ranging from triceps
brachii to the oropharynx."
I really look forward to doing
some yoga exercises with the kids,
where the guided meditation will
be a DNA strands journey through
the cells cytoplasm, said biology
and ex-gym teacher Mr. Charlie Ift.
With the support of the PTA and approval of
the Physical Education and Science departments,
HCHS re-hired current gym teachers for their
additional posts. Ms. Amy Mussel and Mr. Charlie Ift
will be teaching biology classes to 9
th
graders for the
duration of the 2011-2012 school year.
Mr. Ift was elated to teach a new subject.
Ill be learning about xylem and phloem and
showing these students what Im capable of! he said.
It'll be a two way street for my class: Im learning,
theyre learning, everyones engaged in a hey, new

vocab time! relationship of mutualism. Im the
oxpecker to their zebra, the spider crab to their algae.
Its going to be great.
Ms. Mussel was similarly enthusiastic: I really look
forward to doing some yoga exercises with the kids,
where the guided meditation will be a DNA strands
journey through the cells cytoplasm.
At first, science teachers expressed some
concern about the ability of the gym teachers to work
effectively in a drastically different environment from
gym classes. They need not have worried, however:
the new
teachers had
two months
of
preparation,
coupled
with online
courses and
informal
observation
s of biology
taught in
other schools. The teachers backgrounds are also sure
to enrich the study of biology with their unique
perspective.
I've come to realize, said AP biology teacher
Mr. Sy Ints, that biology should focus on respecting
the human body, or more specifically, respecting
yourself. I'm considering reorganizing the biology
curriculum for my classes, putting in more self-
awareness exercises."
Students are happy with the change: many like
the novel curriculum, which now contains a liberal
sprinkling of Degrassi and Bill Nye. New in-class
activities have been added as well, such as a lactic-
acid demonstration taught through an intensive
workout in the gym, and an intense survival/evolution
experience modeled on the Camping & Canoeing
elective. A quarter through the year, the science
department is clearly off to a good start.


A teacher explains the Krebs Cycle
6

C/T Grades, from page 1:
For some, the news was an opportunity for introspection.
So much of what Ive done at Hunter has been in meant to impress colleges in some way or other, said
Junior Dolores ORiordan. but I guess they dont even care. Why do I even bother with learning if there isnt
something to validate all that knowledge?
The announcement has caused renewed attention to fall on 8
th
grade CT teachers, who have relished
their newly discovered position of power. I have finally gotten the respect I deserve, said one teacher. CT
was always clearly more important than other subjects, but now its official.

Letters to the Editor
To the Editors:
As a concerned global citizen, I read the article
in your last issue on the recent attacks at Hunter
(Eating in Hallways Leads to Coyote Infestation)
with interest. I was dismayed to find that, like most
reporting on the subject, Chapter 11 refused to
consider the trauma the coyote in question underwent.
Coyotes are noble animalsyour blaming the clearly
provoked attack on it betrays a troubling blame the
victim mentality that will undoubtedly lead to an
outbreak of bullying if left unchecked. I urge you to
retract this article or publish a follow up interview
with the dead coyotes family.

Sincerely,
Theodore Romans
Class of 2017

To the Editors:
I would like to thank you for helping publicize
the results of the Action Plan Surveys (What Have
the Action Plan Surveys Found?). The results of
these surveys will clearly benefit the Hunter
Community for at least the next decade. The Action
Plan Committees can now safely disband knowing that
our findings are now common knowledge among
students and faculty. Thank you for spreading this
vital news!

Sincerely,
Jaime Harriston
Social Studies Department

OP-ED
A Quality Article
BY ALEC GROSSMAN
STAFF WRITER

This opinion piece is of exceptionally high quality. There are no grammatical errors, and everything is
spelled correctly. The writer is extremely motivated to both inform and entertain the reader.
The writer took on this task because he genuinely loves journalism, not because he wants an additional
extracurricular to write on college applications. In fact, the writer uses The New York Times as a pillow each
night.
This article has been thoroughly edited by qualified upper termers who have had years of experience
working for several Hunter publications. This is obviously true, as the editors would never allow something of
subpar quality to be distributed.
There is a clear reason this article should be written; the underlying tension is palpable and the article
addresses an important school issue. This article does not mention boring field trips or miscellaneous
happenings around the school. It is exciting, enriching, and extremely important to the Hunter Community.




7
Point-Counterpoint
Edited by Ping Hu
Darn, I Lost Three Points on a Math Test
BY CHARLOTTE BATEMAN
CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Once in a while in our academic careers, we slip
up and get a bad grade on a test or a paper. After the
initial shock, a sniffle and a pint of ice cream, we
recover from the horror and tell ourselves well do
better next time. Every Hunterite has felt this way at
one point in their career.
Well, it's never happened to me! I am an
extraordinary student: I have a 99.9 percent average,
Im president of six clubs, and Im the head of a non-
profit that I started in 6
th
grade. Therefore, I was
shocked, appalled even, when I received my most
recent math test and saw that, rather than my usual
102, I had gotten a 97!
Sure, the world isn't perfectthere's a growing
gap between the rich and the poor, global warming is
destroying the environment, oil prices are going up.
But when I lose three points on my math test, some
drastic misalignment of the planets has occurred. Ive
even calculated the odds of my making a mistake: they
are one in 10 raised to the 33
rd
power. In other words,
nigh impossible.
And it's not that I don't understand the material.
Maybe that day I just didn't get enough sleep because
of the extracurriculars and AP course homework that I
had to finish the night before. That I should lose three
points simply because I forget to simplify a fraction is
ridiculous. What's worse is that I can't do test
corrections because I didn't score below a certain
grade. Honestly, there should be some sort of curve
that takes into account the extremely rare possibility of
excellent students like me making a careless mistake
on a test. Because hey, we have GPAs to keep up too,
and if this test gets factored in to my grade, mine will
drop and I'll never get into Harvard!

Youre a Horrible Person

BY ARTHUR WHITE
CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Obviously not everyone is like you. That's great!
Keep up the good work. There's something to be said
about someone who gets by better than average on the
same amount of sleep.
But lets think about it rationally, like a Hunter
student. What is three points on a math test? It
probably comes out to .00001% of your GPA. I dont
even think the physics department allows so many
significant figures.
Heck, Im proud of my 88.5 GPA. Stop ranting
and let us normal people focus on our test corrections.












8
Grant Glovin
Eric Mannes
Ping Hu
Dalia Wolfson
Ben Wolfson
Jonathan Herzog
Susmita Paul
David Moon
Priscilla Guo
Editor-in-Chief
Managing Editor
Layout Editor
Associate Editor
Associate Editor
Associate Editor
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Tal Bogolmony
Tiffany Wong
Dolen Le
Adam Bumas
William Thompson
Charlie Bardey
Alec Grossman
Natalie Wagner
Romi Moors
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Clairvoyant
Clairvoyant
Faculty Advisor: Daniel Mozes


HOROSCOPES
v Aries: Mar. 21Apr. 19
You will finally get the chance to discover the noise
a camel makes when you cut off one of its humps.
Unfortunately, its impossible to reproduce this
sound once human again, and now youre just
bleeding.

d Taurus: Apr. 20May 20
Comedy comes in twos. Like bears and peanuts.

p Gemini: May 21Jun. 21
The id is one thing, and the superego is another.
When you discover that instead of an ego, you have
a mass-produced wafflethats just awkward.

t Cancer: Jun. 22Jul. 22
Its okaylegally, he can only bring a pocketknife
smaller than his palm to your wedding.

n Leo: Jul. 23Aug. 22
Your birthday will fall between July 23
rd
and
August 22
nd
, inclusive.

b Virgo: Aug. 23Sept. 22
Your birthday will fall between July 23
rd
and
August 22
nd
, inclusive.


l Libra: Sept. 23Oct. 22
Youll be sorely tempted to come out next week
until you realize that youre currently in the largest
walk-in closet left in New York City, at which point
youll decide that it would probably be better to just
barricade yourself in.

f Scorpio: Oct. 23Nov. 21
You will regret not screening those clairvoyants
before hiring them.

h Sagittarius: Nov. 22Dec. 21
You wont regret the tattoo. The presidential
campaign, on the other hand

r Capricorn: Dec. 22Jan. 19
Someone will be walking down your block yodeling
loudly. Good thing nobody can hear you.

x Aquarius: Jan. 20Feb. 18
You will expect the Spanish Inquisition. It wont
come.

j Pisces: Feb. 19Mar. 20
Your happiness about saving money on kitten
adoption fees will be tempered by the realization
that you are your own cat.

? Orphespcisoihsus: Not really sure here
Your birthday will fall between July 23
rd
and
wait, what are you?