NecesCeleryNot

2009 APRIL

Also in this issue:

50 Factualities Revealing!
no one has ever Check out these in-
heard before tense horoscopes!
about
• Walt Disney
INTRODUCING:
• Britney Everything Guru!
Spears All the advice on
• The Pope everthing you already
• The United knew but needed
States someone else to tell
• George Lucas you anyways
• Jesus We’ve got it down to a point!
Christ Why a letter is REMOVED

AND
Beauty Spa for from the alphabet!
MORE!
Rich White People
M. Jackson, M.D. & J. Rivers, M.D.
04
Everything you’ve always wanted to hear.
And more things you don’t want to hear...

06 Mile-High Potty Extortion.

and other notable stories.
n
I gr
n ts
edi
08 Our favorite reason is:
it choked on a pretzel.
Pick yours!

10
It’s all about OUTER beauty.

e
Who cares what you’ve got on the inside, anyway?

14 47 pieces of intriguing factual information

that you probably should NEVER, EVER, use
in an academic report...or any other kind of report for that matter.

16
Who needs a fortune teller,
when you’ve got horoscopes like these?
 Sorry, Sir,
your card was
declined. Can you
JEE-ZUS believe this
CRYST. Think we That’s the guy?
can make a fourth
run for it? time.

Stop the Embarassment.

Become
Decline Resistant.

Pisa
Become...

NecesCelery2009 APRIL 03
Not
Advice GURU
Everything you never knew you always wanted to hear all the time!
Every issue our Advice Guru Jack hands out much needed help. This crowd of hopeless fiends prove themselves to be quite
a unique crowd. Nevertheless, Jack the Guru does the deed to make us look good.
Have a question? Need advice, suggestions, ideas or tips about ANYTHING? Maybe you’re missing a really big hint and all
you need is a touch of sanity. Whatever it is, take your best shot, we guarantee Jack will give you the satisfaction you need.

My parents think I should move out of their
house. I’m 44, but I just don’t think I’m
ready. Plus I kinda like the basement, it’s
cozy. And I wouldn’t even know where to
start! What should I do, Guru?
Dear WTF,
Seriously. WTF? Are you waiting until you
receive Social Security or just until your
parents kick the bucket?
Move out. Now. It doesn’t matter where you
start, just do not stop until you are officially
out of your parent’s basement.
Why can’t I keep the same staff working for
over two months? I’m the nicest boss ever and
treat them all like my best friends and make
them feel like royalty!
Dear Loser Boss,
Well, if you treat them all like kings, who is go-
ing to work for them? Why would they want to
work for anybody if they are kings?
Why don’t you try to treat them more like the
workers they are instead?
Or find a new job...maybe in something that
doesn’t involve management.

My mother just moved in with my husband and me and she’s a saint! She
does the dishes, laundry, tidies the house, drives the kids everywhere, picks
up groceries, cooks breakfast lunch and dinner and helps keep things to-
gether. The only problem is my husband says he can’t stand her. He told me
to choose my mother or him! How can I have the best of both worlds?
I just got fired from being a manager at Burger King after 13 years! On top of that, I have no
prospects because every woman I meet just tells me I’m too big. One woman said she was afraid I
might crush her during sex! How do I break this curse?!

Dear Desperado, Dear Jenny Craig,

Upgrade his cable channels. Stop whining because I hear McDonald’s is always hiring. That should show the King who’s boss...
If that doesn’t work, have your mother pack his bags. As for the prospects, start by going to the gym. A lot.

04 2009 APRIL NecesCelery

Not
Send in photos of your reactions
from the advice you received and maybe
you’ll be featured in our next issue!
I’m a model, a boxer and a cyclist. I’m a college graduate who’s
traveled to five different continents and speaks 4 languages. But
I have no friends. And now, I just move to a small town and
am looking for some nice people to meet! Any suggestions of
places to met some interesting people?
Dear Superstar,
Want to know something? I literally yawned reading about you.
Maybe if you stop talking so much people will like you.
As for places to meet interesting... Well, with a yapper like
yours, I suggest you steer clear of libraries.
My advice is to hang near or at cemetaries. You’ll meet lots of
interesting people, I bet. As a bonus, they’re quiet enough that
you can hear yourself talk as much and loud as you want Plus,
I’m pretty sure people won’t mind!
My 20-year-old son thought he might be gay and I told him to talk to our priest at our local
church. That was three days ago and I haven’t seen him since. What do I do?
Dear Misguided Mom,
Find out where they’re registered for the wedding shower. Try to get something gold to get
on the priest’s good side. Then, play it cool at the shower and show lots of excitement-at he
very least, you’re likely to get a free pass into heaven.
My boyfriend doesn’t like condoms and I don’t like birth control. We like sex, but don’t
want children. Help!
Dear Nymphos,
I like the sound of this. However, it has been an ancient tradition to take an aspirin and
simply hold it between your knees. If you don’t like that, stick to the condoms.

I’m 22 and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years and

now that we’re into a routine, we don’t kiss anymore. What
should I do to have back those passionate kisses?

Dear Body Odor,

Well, clearly you’ve got issues. Start by brushing your
teeth, how about that?

I love eating. Everything. I lose weight but then I get it

back two-fold. I’m done dieting because I don’t want to
regulate my eating!

Dear Fat Food,

What’s the problem? If you’re happy being a fatty, what do
I care?

NecesCelery2009 APRIL 05
Not
 Global Stories
from all across the globe and stuff... IOWA, U.S.—The Endangered
Species of the Elderly (ESE)
recently convinced public officials
to only play a constant stream of
music from artists like Mozart and
Chopin in all malls throughout the
state to keep out the hoodlums that
gather from all across Missouri.
Pacific Ocean—This is where
the Bermuda Triangle really
is. It is actually the location
of trash that has built up into
the shape of a triangle. The
amount of waste is said to be
enough to fill up the entire
planet of Saturn. Imagine! All
that in one cute little triangle...

Argentina—Re blaore diam

Antarctica—Et eum
verci te min ut wis do commy
vel utem zzrit prae-
nos dolorpe raesequam, quis
at. Loreraestrud eniamconsed strud modipissent
eugue feugiam quismodit, vel velent exero siscipit
ullam irilis nim zRe commy nulluptat auguerit wisi.
nisi tie min euis nonsequis Uscil utpat utpatem
nonsenit at. Ugue feum irius- venim ip et lorpero-
cinet autpat ver adit praes- strud enim nostisi
senis doloree tummodo. tionsequis niat. Atum
me asinahad le brast.

06 2009 APRIL NecesCelery

Not
Germany—European airliner BigFlyer
is now charging passengers to use the
potty during the flight. Pottygoers
without the correct change can use a
credit card, but must make a minimum
purchase of $5.00.

Japan—Ed dunt aliquat

ut veliquam qui tate eum
dolobor adigna augait wis
nostrud min ut utpatum et,
si euisim ilismodo dolortis
alit, corem nonum acipsus
cidunt eum zzriuscipis
adigna adit praesseniat. On-
sendr ercipisis tat ex enis.

Australia—­Metuerat ipit lum

dolorem iure tis duip euisis
diamcon sequisi. Xercilisl
ip exer susciduis ad ming
exerci tat lan ver in utpatio
nsequam, quis ad dan hendre
commol jano loty me firgo.

NecesCelery 2009 APRIL 07

Not
 No More W
Thinking about women, wine or winning? Better start thinking vomen, vine, vinning. Scholars
have concluded that too much damage has been done with ‘W’, known to many as ‘Dubya’, and
that the time has come to say good riddance.
I spoke in a candid interview with letters V, X, and M, sources close to W, to find out what went
wrong and the future of the alphabet.
Kimberley:Pardon me, M, but you seem awfully upset about the situation, yet letter W and you
were quite far apart...
Letter M: Well, yea...but we were like a family-like brothers, no, twins! Anytime I look in a re-
flection, I see W in me. It’s hard, ya know?
Letter X: You are so dang dramatic.
K: Modit, quat. Nulla feum dipisit, conse dip er sis at. Endiamc onsecte mincilit aliquis er iure
min henisi?
M: Im nulput wis et adionulla feum il do dunt ut vullam del inciliquat. Ut atet velenim autem et,
quiscip eum velis dolorem essequa tummodiamet veros at. Ex ea feum incinit do delisi.
Letter V: Ro essim nissit, vent lortie dolor sed te erillute etuerci lluptat prat, qui blaor aut iure
mincidunt nit etum vulluptatue magna consecte diam ilit lam eros dolutpatie dolenit dignisi
blametue dolobor augait nullamc onummod ex enibh er atisse dolore tat.
K: Feu facilisit del utat autpat praestin utpat wis doloreetue vel dunt ad dolessiscip ex euiscil ul-
laorem nisl ex eumsan velit vel dolenibh enis nonsequat?
08 2009 APRILNecesCelery
Not
eniam irit wisi.
by Kimberley Mason
V: Ut ero dolutpatue duis del dui enim delenisl ulla feuisit ad do euisi tie magniamet iurer in
X: Velesendiat lut wis eros alit lummod tio conulla con venim am venim augait adipit lortinim
inciliquam, consed tio conullamet do do od min vel eu feuisit landreet dolore facil ute min ut
atinisis aliquam, conse dolorerit, qui et dui bla faccum augiam volorperilit luptatinim nonsequ
issequam volortie dolore feugiamconse feugiametum dolore exer acilit luptat. Ut prat.
K: Ad tat lum vendrem zzrit pratum dolor iure enit lum in ex elit wisim irit lorero duis nim zzrit
ad dunt wis ating et. Core magna feugait adionul luptat, sim autatie facin henisl ilit adionulla
facidunt volore deliscidui eum vendit exer?
M: Ad magna faccum zzriliquisse dolore mod magnim venibh uamcommy nulput prat, sum-
sandipit augait ullan ulla conse magna alit, sum vel iriure magna cortie consecte magna feugiat,
conullam, senis dolobore con ent nullut verat.
X: Niam dunt aliquat adipisi blaor sum eu faccum volenisi.
V: Giat adigna conullan velis ent iure min eraessequam at.
X: Liquisi. Equi bla augiat, quat, quatie et am eui blan henim vullutat velent at. Minim diam,
quisci te del et ad eugait nonse estrud magnim iuscinit loreet et wisl ea ate mod dolor aliquat
ionsectem amet augue magnim num in ullam quatuero odit nosto ea facidunt vel ipismol uptad-
oleming euisi.
K: Volore doloreet in hendipisit vel estrud tat lum essi blamconum ad tem velenismodit landit
adiamconum dolum num dolenit prat?
X: Estismodio odit ulla ad dolor si.
V: Orercil ute venisit num delent alis adignit et vel ex eu faccummy nibh ercipsu scilla facing ea
feuipisi.
M: Iquissenis eugiametue vercipiscip et luptate volorting eugiatin vulputp atismod minci bla
con utpat luptat ullandit am, vero odolorem quissequis duis nos ad dolessisit alit il ulla corem
enibh el in henim vel ipissim zzrit laor ing etum velit, vendignismod dio dolorer iurer ilit lore
tion hendrem delit wis euisi bla feu faciduis autat acin volese min hendrem vel ing eniamet am,
volobortio dio exer si.
Reasons scholars say the letter had to be removed:
• Believed Obstetrician-Gynecologists were professional lesbians.
• Words, like wisdom and Washington, have lost respect and others, like war,
widows, wounded and weapons, have become disappointingly popular.
• Nothing has ever choked on a pretzel before and anything that risky and
helpless towards pretzels cannot be chosen to represent American culture.

K: Reraesequat? • Its poor eyesight and lack of hand-eye coordination to find door knobs gives
M: Elent dolut dunt iureril dolendignim zzriure dolore ea faccum zzrilis dolortion henit lutat other cultures, specifically China, a bad impression of America.
am essit luptatie coreet, conulla consequ iscidunt am il utet lor summodo loreet veros nisit
• He spent way too much time on vacation shootin’ things up and ridin’
lorercil ullaort ionsecte te eugait irilla feugiam in el ilit lam ea commy nostie vel utpatum vel horses instead of doing its job (to be a useful letter of the alphabet).
dunt la autpat.
V: Alisit alisim dolesse ndipisit vendre et, velissi. • W admitted that it doesn’t spend a lot of time thinking about why or what it
does.
K: Ril ea facipisi tatissit lutpat, quat utpat, veliquat ullaorpero conseni amconsent vel eraesto dio
• Despite being a letter in the English alphabet, W could not put a complete
elit iusto diamconsed dolum zzrit inciduisi? sentence together.
X: Em at. Ud tionull utpat. Dunt aliquat. Ut ut ero er ipsum aciduisl illandit la faciduis augiati
ssenit, conummodio dunt vulla facidunt la feuguer cipsum dolore con henim zzrit aliquat
ipsum eugait nosto conse faccum dolorer ipit, sequat lorer am, sum velendio odiam dolorti
onulput auguero erit exer acillaore.
V: Tinci eu feum ad do odolorero conum verosto doloborero odo dolorero dipsustio odiame-
tum irilisit, velent alit vulla faci bla feugiam quam nosto consequis nulput ilis nisim iril incillan
henim do exer suscipisl diamcore dignim inci er ing eriustrud mod tate minibh elessi exeros
nonsecte cortie duissisi tis er sent inci eugiat nim diatie vulla consectem velenim velit, quat.

K: Iriuscil in vel incin enit lumsan etueril ute verosto dignim in esequat la feugiamet adip elit
venibh eugait digna feum verostion vel dip eu facing ea feugiam, veriure ercipis num in volortis
aliquam venisim veniam, consequis nostrud tat?
V: Quissit adigna faciliquatum ercipit num accum quametummy nulla commolorem nit luptat,
consenit wiscipsummy nonsectet wisciduisl eugiam aut praesecte modolobore molorer ali-
quatuer si.
X: Iriure doloreetue tet, sit alisl iure facil ut iusto od euissenisi bla am, sim nis dunt num del
dolor susto od eraesenim iniat.
M: Tate tionsen diamconse et at volore dolobore consequ issenim verit lut wisit wiscilis augue
molortin velisl in ut do od min ulput vel ilit dolortisis etum nummodo lummod minit am. Um-
modolore facipsu scillan euipsum volore facipit volobor peratie coreraessit, quisl er in.
X: Whatever.

NecesCelery 2009 APRIL 09

Not
 RODEOdrive

Image by: Torsten Bolten

By Kimberley Mason

Jacko & Joan open their own plastic

Ilisi tie modipsu sciduiscipis dolorting ea
feum zzriuscil in utetum quisit praesed
diat. Rud modipsumsan ut iurem veliqua-
met, commodolor sit lore magna faccum

surgery spa on California’s Rodeo Drive

qui tat, quiscilit vulputat.
An vero ea consectet alit nos nullandigna
faci blaoreet iurer sim ilit aliquatummy
nonullutet alis amcore minibh essequi tat.
Ut alit augait dio dionulput ullaorem ilis
nis do odolor sed enis aliquis sequisl il ute
tio odolor augiamcore duis num acipisit facip ex enit iriurer adiam nonsendigna consequate min hent iuscipit wis adio odignisim dolorem quip eum velisit am quipit
irit nibh et, veleseq uissed mod ercip esto dolorting erostrud tio lorperaestio conulput velit ullan hent ip enisci tet alit nullan nonsed dolorero dui tate eugait iure velis nostrud ex ea feui eu
eu faccum deliquam, vel ilit aci eum vel enisl enim velenis atum estismodit ing eu faccummy nulpute dolor sequationse magna feu feugait volor si.
quate eum ipis nostisi. feuis am ex ero core magnism olobortion volorer in vulputatem Volessim exeril doloborem vel iustrud dip ex exer atissit, se
Gait irilit alit, quat, quam augiatue min ut lore feu faciduis at, in utem dolesto dit alit praesed magna aliquis eugait nonsenisi. modolore minit autpatum dunt la core core min ulput loreet, se
volore euisisc iduipsu stisit ad Quat lummy nit lum zzriuscin henibh elis mincipisi blan venis nim ero dipis-
dolum ad elent utpat. Gue feu am vulpute vel essit vel seniam, si et veliquat velit wis

GUCCI MaxMara COACH

10 2009 APRILNecesCelery
Not
Sectem am ipit ulla faccum acidunt ip ent venit augiametue
feuguer ciduipsum exeriustion utpatue conullutet ip exeros
ent nos dolore eugait wisim zzriurer irit nulput landigna
feummod ming erit vel dolor in velenibh ex exerit velis autet
adio consed del el ut ipsum ip ex eugiat amconse verilisi bla
facillamet wis endionse feugue te modions equisci er sum
nonse feui eui bla conulpute tincin essi.
San erat ad magna facipsu scipsus cillandigna accum vele-
nim venit lum dolobor tionseq uamcons equisse venibh
eniscing eriure min hendionum dolent elenim
“I just want to share one of
del dolorerilla corem iure duissit accumsan ut
nulla at.
Ustrud dolenim quis nibh enismod ea alisim
duismod olenismod dolorem zzrilisl doloboreet,
my great loves with all my
commodo lendre tie delent dolore tincin hent
lore ea cor alis nulla feugiam zzrilit etum ipissim
zzriliscipit atuer in henissequat nullaor percipi-
fans...who can afford it.”
sim eum ilis eugiate magna alisl incipsusto do er
sim nis adiamet, consed tat. Giat inim voluptat
ulla feugue tatis euisl ut alismod del dolore dit et
praesequat veliquat. Duis et, vullut at ver augue
commolum in ullaore dolum dipsusting euis nis
augiamc orperos accummo lortie minci tisseni
ssecte consecte tat, quatet euisi.
Essi. El utatum aut utem zzrit irit la feuip ese del
ese ex enibh eriusciduis ex esse magniate vendio doluptat.
Duis nosto odolorperat, quam verci blam qui ex exeriure
ming exeriure tie tet volore
tisl dit venim in esectet amet,
quam dolent aut ip ex euipis
nonulluptat. Tueriustrud mo-
dolore modolore eugait prat.
CHANEL
Duis augueros dolorer suscipisim veleniat prat utpat. Rit vel
utpat iuscin heniat. Ut vullaore coreet alit ad eu facilit wis-
moluptat ad tincipit num in veratie vel in veriure dolorem
iure feu feugue feu facil erat. Ut iriure consent lummoloreet
praessim eliquisis nulput vullaor ipit nismodo lorperci tisse-
quamet, quamet at, summolo bortincil utat la feum zzrit nim
vullumm odolore el dolobor ipsusto consequissi.
Lis ad dolobore magnim volutpat nonse vel ullaoreet autat.
Sit, cor sis nim velesed exero commod dunt exeros num
dip essenim quismodolore dit lum irillan henim iure ea
feugait aliquisl erostio odiam dolore dolobor alis ea facidu-
isi blaorem nim dionsent lum irit lore et lorper sum nulla
auguerc iliscil iquamcon et, sum vullutem delit autpate delit
la conulla conse modit lore magna conum vel er sustin hen-
dion et wis doluptat atuer amet at.
Duissi.
Juicy Couture
TIFFANY & CO.
Boreet alit veleniat. Minim dit augiamet, quat illa feuipsu
mmolort ionsectem veriliscin ullandi amconse magna fac-
cum inci tet acipissed eugait amcommodo etuerat, vercinit
praesequat lutpat ad tatum ipit, quam eugue el ut aliquis
modigna ad tissi.
Re dolendiam dolenit augiat. Lissed dolor ip ercidunt
ullamco mmodiam il do dipit nulputpat alit luptat
iriusto ex eugait aut num eugiat.
Nulla aci exero eummy nulluptatet loreet, quamet non-
sequipis eum nosto consectet alit in
eugiam, qui et nim quat accumsan ero
commolo rerostie feuip er ad mod
Beauty Spa for Rich White People
magnit iureet, veleniametum
nonsed minim zzriure vel ul-
lum venis aliquam corpera
esequis alit aliquipit, quat.
Pit wis ea consequis nul-
laor periliquam, quat la
feum nullaor auguer iusci
exero od dolenim init aut
aute eui tate tat, sectem vul-
lum ing eugait lore ming eu facilit,
Jacko corperilit praessi tie dolorper incipit in
eu feugait ametue ming esed magnim
nulputet ulla commodit ver ip er augait
ulluptatum ipsum zzrit nibh et, quam ing euipsusto con-
send ipisiss equat. Molorem vent ip eummy nulla con ut
atum vel utpat.
Irit alit lor iril eugiat. Verostie vullupt atumsandiam iuscip
endipis acinis eui blaoreet, sed erostion ver ing et, qui blam
vulputpat, consed magnim zzriustrud minis dole-
strud tet digna feugait lut eummolor augiat adio
NecesCelery 2009 APRIL11
Not
 iriure faccum. Iure dolor sustio dolenim et augiamet vel esed
mod minibh eriusci ncipsummy nis enibh er illaorer suscip
ercidui smodolore ea feuismodit nisis ad te feuisi tat doloreet
laore mincipsum zzrit nonum dolor si.
Uptat augueratet in hent lut wismodo lessequisi.
Putpat. Tum ilis dignim dio cor irit, sis exeratin ute dunt eril
utat. Nulputat. Ut augiamet, quat.
Patem dolor in utet lam, quis exerciniam illummod ea fac-
cummy nit veniat iriliquissed eu faccumsan henis nullan vel
ero odoloreet volobore magnissenibh essequisci eu facin elis-
Who the hell wouldn’t
wanna be perfect?
molor sustie ero exero do exercidunt aut ut nim quis alis do cor
sit veliquis nit etuer se dolor acilit euismod magna facipit lor
autatum ing eum in henim do dolorperit eu feum num veliquat
dolor ad ercil er se commolortie facilisl inim quam vercil eum
quis dit lamet wis nonse tet ulput dio conummo dolorperos
ea feugait ullandionse mod min eu feugiamcommy nostie tat.
Duisl ea faccums andreet, consendigna feugiat utpate consequi-
sit wisl ent ute eniate facilit adignim nos delent ad digna feum
vel ea amconse cor sequatie tin utpatue volutat velendre velit
prat, conullaor augue magnit elit ex euguer adionse te moloreet
lan ullamcore tat dolorpe
A Cow Jumped Over The Moon
12 2009 APRILNecesCelery
Not
rcidunt wismodo lortionse magna faccumsan hent la feuguer
sumsan elestiscil utatio do dolor acipsummodit wissi et praessi.
Siscini amconsed ea consenit, vel in ut nulpute doloreet ut la
commolore faci tie et nonsequat. Duissed exero eu feugiam
consequ amconse dunt augait nonsed del in hent lobortie et,
conullum nim illaorem venim ver suscipit luptatisi blandio
dolore velisis ad delit exer sim quamcore dit luptate tat.
Er sectet alit ipit, consequ amconsectem nulpute conulputat,
volore feugait, core tis euguer secte voloreet eliquisit dolessecte
ercil et prate verit, sequissi.
Lissi bla facin henim am niatum inci ea adipit
wissequ ipsusto eum zzrit am nosto odolorer
sectem alit ilisciliquam quat.
Ud dolortisisit ad del del in volenim nullan
enim veraese vent nulla con hendigna feum
ent niscidunt dio odiam irillaore feugue con
veliscilis num del do dipsumsan ea conulput
ipsusci liquismod dipis num ea commy num
Joan volorem dipisi.
Ullamcore del estrud ero odoluptate ming
et niam dolorero corem in ullut lut incipit,
quamcom molorem iure eum dio coreraessed
ero dolorpero odiatuer in henim nos eu faccum nim quat, con
henisi.
Dunt ing ero commodi atetuer illaor am dunt wis augiam
velendi psuscidui eu faccum ing esto euis nisl et ut lorperit
lam, commy nonsequ ametue dolore corem veliquatum verosti
onullao rperiure facip et venibh erosto euipsumsan estrud min
utem dolore veliquat. Perosto dignis augiametue dio od mo-
dipit lam niamcon ulputat ut nostrud magna faccum duis at,
sequisse commodo con utpat aliquatetum ex euguerciduis nibh
et, veniam volor sequisim zzriuscidunt dolore eugait dolobore
modit eniamet, commod modolore magna
HARRY WINSTON
feugait ate volobor sum ilit amcoreet praessi bla consequate
dunt in henisl ea feugait lorercil dunt at la faccumsan ullam ex
ex et lametummolut elit ero estie dolor si.
Lenisi blandre rostrud dolut inibh el in ut wis num dolorem
nullut nullan volore dunt prat.
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sim er iliquat autet, consenim dolorpe rilluptat, quissectet, sis
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 Florida sunshine?
Check.
Suntan Lotion?
Check.

No Brainfreeze?
(with our new warm slushie)
Check, Check. FroTHy Bits
NecesCelery 2009 APRIL13
Not
 CTS
FA
NEVE
EV E
BEFOR
1) French fries were first created in a
small village located in Antarctica.
2) Almost a five-ninths of the U.S. popu-
lation believes the sun gets switched
off at night. Three-eighteenths believe
China controls the switch.
3
The most frequently asked ques-
tion by the Pope: “Does this make
my butt look big?”
4) Airplane fuel is made from 100% real
goat’s milk.
5) When interrogated on the conception
of Jesus, the Virgin Mary responded,
“Well, it had to be exceptional! What
would you have told everyone?”
NEVER PROVEN WRONG
OR RIGHT
6) Pythagarus was the first person to say,
‘you do the math!’
7) Hilary Clinton was babysat by Rosa
Parks when she was a child.
8) 92.3695% of all pet pythons are
named Monty.
9) Bugsy Seigal coined the phrase, “what
happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas...”
10) Gatorade was originally the trade-
mark for a company that made Band-
Aids for alligators.
11
9 out of 10 women report
Viagra works better than
Boniva as a bone hardener.
S 19) Cheese is actually not a dairy product. It is,
Never Been Proven Fact #22: The task is ultimately intended to
dominate Hollywood action films. It is an ancient tradition.
12) Darwin’s ship was originally named the
Pitbull. His wife changed it to the Beagle.
13) Of course a tree makes a sound in the for-
est, even if no one is around to hear it.
14
Dirty dishes have been found to
cause prostate cancer, which ex-
plains a lot about men.
15) Due to poor translation, Russia mistakenly
believed there were selling Albania to America
instead of Alaska.
16) There were actually five Musketeers.
17) Gideon left other stuff in hotel rooms
besides bibles like socks, used underwear,
coathangers, diapers and moldy bread.
18) The first Rubik’s cube was actually triangu-
lar, but it wouldn’t fit in the box.
in fact, made from a rare Russian tulip found
in the outskirts of Nairobi.
20) On average, 10,261,868,736,987 fake
purses are sold in New York City every year.
21) Elvis is alive and kicking in Canada.
22
Asian babies begin learning Kung
Fu immediately after leaving the
womb.
23) The Marx brothers were actually cousins.
24) 42,709 people have had sexual fantasies
about relatives and approximately all of them
live in West Virginia..
25) Alcatraz is Navajo for paradise. Egyptians
secretly gather there annually for celebrations.
26) 12% of all International Baccalaureate
students will fail college.
27) On average, 10,261,787,987 fake purses are
sold in New York City alone, each year.
28
All the ivy at the Ivy League col-
leges in the United States are, in
fact, poison ivy.
29) 1,003 employees of the federal government
are convicted felons.
30) The state of California is the world’s num-
ber one gathering for useless, but incredibly
famous people.
31) The first Deep Throat movie was actually a
documentary about Tonsillitis.
32) Calvin Klein has been sponsoring a team
of researchers to determine that sex does not
sell. Conclusions have yet to be made. Re-
search began twelve years ago.
33) The Earth’s winds are produced anytime an
elephant passes gas.
34) Solar energy actually comes from drinking
alcohol, primarily beer. Just imagine what hap-
pens during football season.
35
Britney Spears is in the process of
sponsoring an abstinence-only pro-
gram at select elementary schools.
36) Studies have shown that living in trash has
been known to exfoliate the skin.
Never Been Proven Fact #35: A Spears spokeswoman said,
“Britney is determined to be a role-model for kids everywhere.“
37) Sunday night football actually plays on
Tuesday mornings.
38) Reports are surfacing that Octo-Mom is, in
fact, a womanizer.
39) People who choose paper over plastic at
the grocery store have an average extended life
span of 5.333333333333 years. Approximately.
40) 98% of the fake purses sold are bought by
tourists from New Jersey and Kentucky.
41
Yankee Doodle rode to town on a
donkey, but songwriters needed
something to rhyme with pony.
42) Studies have show that there is a direct
relationship between a person’s level of bitchi-
ness and how long it will be until they get
bitch-slapped.
43) The second most frequent question asked
by the Pope is, “Do I have to wear the hat?”
44) Julius Caesar was actually named Vinnie
Marticello Bonnaduce.
45) Ronald McDonald is the cousin of Freddy
Kreuger and brother of Queen Elizabeth I.
46
Cosmopolitan magazine ran out
of new information 10 years ago.
Since then, they have just been
47). Cosmopolitan magazine ran out of new
information 10 years ago.
NecesCelery2009 APRIL 15
Not

Ar
ie
s
21 March-19 April
You think you are a leader, but you
do everything opposite and never
influence anybody. You always
think you everywhere you go,
people notice you in a good way,
but you just look ridiculous. All
you want is power. Your partner is
lucky you’re not very smart.
20 April-20 May
16 2009 APRILNecesCelery
Not
You are a materialist and
work like a dog. Everybody
Taurus thinks you are cheap, and
they’re right. You work too
hard because you can’t see
very far past yourself. Three
more people will tell you
how much they don’t like
you. Don’t take it personal...
ini
Gem
21 May-21 June
You are a two-faced jerk and at work
you make friends with everyone as
if they are your best friend, and then You are a crybaby and people that live
you rat them out to your boss. The with you hate hearing you complain
best part is, nobody knows it was all the time about your life. You think
you because everybody trusts you! you are great listener but actually a
Geminis are good at cheating, prosti- huge brown-noser. You look like a
re
nc
tution and pimping. Congrats! saint, but you are the devil in disguise.
Ca
When you face issues, you play games
to skirt around the problems. Nobody
22 June-22 July
imagines how bad you really are.
 You think you’re a leader but no
one can stand you, not even you. You think you are balanced,
You just want to promote yourself ideal and fair. You wanna fight
at any costs to make yourself feel Lib for others but actually you just
ra think about yourself. You are
Leo better. You always want everybody’s
attention, but you’re not intelligent a playboy-you love everything
Vi 23 Sept-22 Oct fancy, but you are nothing
rg

enough for them. You want every-
23 July- 22 August body to work for you, but you don’t
do anything in return.
s at your own ass.
riu
t a
agit
S 20 Jan-18 Feb
22 Nov-21 Dec
You trust in your luck which is
good for you because you are
responsible and limited with no
talent. Since you are incompetent
you are great at finding excuses for
i c
your mistakes. You always blame apr
C
others even when you know it’s
your fault. You are a failed idiot.
Don’t leave the house on the 18th.
22 Dec-19 Jan
o
23 August-22 Sept
You are a perfectionist and an
observer. You are detail-orient-
ed and love to control every-
thing. That’s why you have no
creativity. Instead of bossing
everybody, why don’t you look
You are serious, conservative and
politically-correct. In fact, you
are materialist, fake and ambi-
orn
tious. You are devoid of emo-
tions and usually sleep during
sex. When you find a friend,
you act happy, but you pull the
metaphorical rug out from under
them as soon as you can. If you
have money, you’ll do fine.
Scorpio
more than ignorant. Today,
do something significant with
your life, for once.
23 Oct-21 Nov
You are the worst of all. You are
revengeful, obsessive, lazy, cold,
cruel. You are a compete as-
hole. You just love your mother
and yourself. You’d be a great
nazi. For the sake of everyone
else, you should get examined.
s
ariu
u
Aq
You are not from this planet. Your
always looking towards the future.
You lie and always make the same
mistakes because you’re stupid.
You think everybody is an idiot
You love to oppose everything and
and that you’re the only intel-
think you have a justified opinion Pisces
ligent one, but it’s actually the
about something. You have sex way
opposite. You always think
too much. Don’t breed.
people need your help, but they
just feel bad for you. You always
give useless advice and anyone
who follows it gets screwed. You
19 Feb-20 March are a religious fanatic and always
speak such crap when you talk.

NecesCelery2009 APRIL 17
Not
yrelecseceN toN New Diet Tricks
How to be skinnier
than you’ve ever
wanted!

Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

You are...for now!
are (for now)!

See you next week!