The Pitch - An "Original" Screenplay

By
Biju Viswambaran
VIKAS
So you havent written anything.
FADE IN
INT. VIKAS SHETTYS OFFICE - EVENING
Its a typical Bollywood producers office. The walls are
cluttered with posters and the sorts. But then again weve
never really been in a Bollywood producers office. Were
just going to assume that the office is covered with
everything and anything that has to do with cinema. Throw in
a camera or two ... just for the heck of it.
Vikas sits behind his large wooden office. He doesnt look
like the kind of guy who would ever work in a suit and hence
he is not wearing one. Across the desk we see SAM (short for
SAMMY but who cares) pacing all over the place. Hes not
exactly nervous but we get the feeling that his brain is
working on overtime. Like its had an overdose of coffee
after years of sleeping.
SAM
No.
VIKAS
You know ... thats really not what
I was expecting to hear.
SAM
I know, but hear me out here.
VIKAS
I dont think ...
SAM
No but you really got to hear this
VIKAS
Ive been listening to your excuses
for the better part of six months.
Its been so long that they have
begun to loop themselves. Im
pretty sure that the last excuse
you gave me was the first one you
used.
SAM
But this isnt an excuse.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
VIKAS
(sighing)
Weve known each other a long time
...
SAM
But this really isnt an excuse.
VIKAS
How many movies have we made
together?
SAM
Three
VIKAS
We made some money havent we? So I
dont really get why you need to
bullshit me like this.
SAM
Well technically you made money. I
didnt really make a lot. I mean,
comparitively, I havent made
anything.
BREAK
VIKAS
That hurts.
SAM
Its ...... kinda true.
VIKAS
Have I not helped you in any way?
SAM
Im not saying that ...
VIKAS
When you said you had writers block
....
SAM
You hired a consultant to help me
break it
VIKAS
Even though you know perfectly well
that I think writers block is the
greatest piece of turd ever pulled
from a lazy writers ass.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
SAM
Its a perfectly legitimate
condition. Doctors have written
books on it.
VIKAS
Just not the kind of books youd
find in the public library. Or any
library for that matter. Or online
... unless it was on quack.com
SAM
Pretty sure that isnt a real
website.
VIKAS
Point is. I still helped you. And
when you said you wanted to go
classic. Who bought you the Rs.
15000 fountain pen and tons - not
kilos mind you - but tons and tons
of paper for you to write on?
SAM
You did ...
VIKAS
Forget the guilt I had to go
through for killing all those
trees. But you wouldnt have a
problem with that now would you? I
mean I have all the money to suck
away all my guilt.
SAM
Again ... thats not what I am
saying.
VIKAS
And then you said and I quote "You
didnt want to go that classic" -
whatever the hell that meant. So I
got you a typrwriter. And what did
you do?
SAM
Threw it out the window.
VIKAS
Which was on the fifth floor. Why?
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
SAM
My then girlfriend said it kept her
up at night.
VIKAS
A bit of an over-reaction dont you
think?
SAM
She was a handful.
VIKAS
Then I got you the laptop. Did you
write? No. Instead?
SAM
Googled.
VIKAS
Sure you did. Then you said you
wanted to go new age. Wanted to go
mobile so you could pen down your
inspirations. So I got you that
smartphone. And I have no idea what
you did with it.
SAM
Used it for Tinder.
VIKAS
Tinder?
SAM
Tinder.
VIKAS
The dating app?
SAM
Yeah.
BREAK.
VIKAS
Meet anyone?
SAM
No.
VIKAS
(losing interest)
Frankly I dont know if you can
write anymore? Maybe the binge
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
VIKAS (contd)
drinking finally got to that
obscure part of your brain and
killed off all the cells that
produced the little bit of
creativity that you had. I mean
come on Sam, we make Bollywood
movies and pretty cheesy ones at
that. You dont need to be
Shakespeare. You just need to be
good with words.
SAM
I would have agreed with you six
months. Scratch that. I would have
agreed with you just five days ago.
But then something extraordinary
happened.
VIKAS
You stole someones story?
SAM
Better. I met someone.
BREAK
VIKAS
What? On Tinder?
SAM
No not on Tinder. Who would want to
meet someone on Tinder?
VIKAS
Says the guy who uses it.
SAM
I met someone. A girl.
VIKAS
Oh no.
SAM
(apprehensive)
What do you mean "oh no"?
VIKAS
You meeting a girl is expensive.
For me.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
SAM
I have never asked you to bankroll
my dates!
VIKAS
No no ... its not the dates. Its
what happens after the inevitable
break-up thats expensive. Paying
for all the broken furniture.
Paying for the vacations you "need"
to clear your head. Paying for the
lonely nights ...
SAM
Ok Ok ok. But this is different. I
am not dating her ok? This isnt a
girl I have fallen head over heels
for. Alright? I just met her last
week and shes kind of like a muse
for me now?
VIKAS
A muse?
SAM
Yeah a muse. But not really. More
of an inspiration but not an
inspiration exactly. Shes .....
Sam trails off.
VIKAS
Who is this girl?
SAM
A friend of a friend of a friend.
We got acquainted just like that
... and I think it was pre-ordained
or some shit like that. Its like
soon after I met her, the metal
gears in my head just oiled
themselves and started working. I
can literally feel the rust peel
away. The creative juices are
flowing man ... no they are not
flowing ... they are tsunami like!!
VIKAS
Tsunami like?
SAM
Exactly!
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.
VIKAS
But you still havent written
anything.
SAM
No. But. I got a helluva plot.
Vikas leans back on his chair. Contemplates.
VIKAS
Okay. Lets hear it.
Sam finally sits.
EXT. GENERIC HINDI MOVIE BACKGROUND - DAY
A well built handsome man with a very thin shirt turns
around and looks at us. Its a familiar shot. Weve seen it a
million times.
SAM (O.S.)
We have a HERO.
VIKAS (O.S.)
Of course.
Same background but this time a gorgeous woman. She looks at
us and smiles. We instantly believe that this is the
Adarniya Bharathiya Nari type of woman.
SAM (O.S.)
And then we have our HEROINE.
VIKAS (O.S.)
But of course.
SAM (O.S.)
But then ... is she really our
heroine?
INT. VIKAS SHETTYS OFFICE - EVENING
HOLD on Vikas.
VIKAS
Thats your plot.
SAM
No no. Well yes but its so much
more than that. I was just getting
ahead of myself.
8.
EXT. GENERIC BOLLYWOOD COLLEGE
The HERO and the HEROINE walks along corridors - she has
books in her hands and the HERO with his bag across his
shoulder. I know ... its very 90s type but thats when I went
to college so get with the program.
SAM (O.S.)
They meet in college. Whirlwind of
a romance.
VIKAS (O.S.)
College is good. I can squeeze a
song there.
The hero and the heroine begin to get into song and dance.
The entire college just shuts down and everyone in the
background begins to join in.
SAM (O.S.)
Sure sure. Make two if you want.
But lets get on with it.
Everyone goes back to their places. Dejected. And the world
is better for it.
EXT. GENERIC BOLLYWOOD SAD SCENE - RAINY GLOOMY DAY
The HEROINE is crying. HERO probably is too but we cant tell
with his face. Plus its raining so who knows.
SAM (O.S.)
All good things must come to an
end.
VIKAS (O.S.)
Tragedy. Ok. I can get with that.
Tragedy is in today.
SAM (O.S.)
Exactly. Tragedy. And it is some
serious tragedy.
The HEROINE runs away crying. The HERO stares after her
blinking furiously in the rain.
9.
INT. VIKAS SHETTYS OFFICE - EVENING
VIKAS
When you say serious tragedy ...
are you going to pull out something
completely original.
SAM
She marries someone else.
VIKAS
That is hardly original
SAM
No. But what happens next is.
INT. GENERIC BOLLYWOOD HEROS BEDROOM - ANY TIME OF DAY
The HERO is sitting on his bed, moping the way heros
normally do. Who sits with him and whats in his hands will
depend on the options that will be discussed as below.
SAM (O.S.)
Now Ive not really got this part
down but somehow the hero gets to
know that the heroine never really
loved him.
VIKAS (O.S.)
Maybe a friend of the heroine.
SAM (O.S.)
Retro.
VIKAS (O.S.)
A letter?
SAM (O.S.)
Waaaay too retro.
VIKAS (O.S.)
An email from the friend of the
heroine?
SAM (O.S.)
Ah. New Age.
10.
INT. VIKAS SHETTYS OFFICE - EVENING
VIKAS
So far. So good. But its still not
terribly original is it?
SAM
As if originality is what we have
always looked for.
VIKAS
But this isnt a story yet.
SAM
Thats because you arent letting me
finish.
VIKAS
Right. Continue.
SAM
So what does the hero do in the
face of the shock of his life?
INT. GENERIC BOLLYWOOD BAR - LATE NIGHT
What do you think is going to happen here?
INT. VIKAS SHETTYS OFFICE - EVENING
SAM
Umm. I was thinking hed have his
rage mode activated.
VIKAS
Oh so were not going Devdas.
SAM
No. But if you want a couple of
shots of him drinking ... we could
do that too.
VIKAS
Ok. Cool. So what does he do in the
rage mode?
11.
INT/EXT. - VARIOUS GENERIC BOLLYWOOD LOCATIONS - MONTAGE
We see the hero in the underbelly of Mumbai doing menial
jobs for the underworld. He makes small bits of money that
he starts to save.
We see him buying property and businesses in Mumbai. He
becomes rich. His clothes and cars begin to get more flashy.
We see him go abroad on private jets. He conducts business
deals with foreigners. Briefcases are shared. Cars and
clothes get even more flashy.
He now has a mansion in Dubai. Huge gigantic rooms in house
for just one man. His office is a skyscraper. His clothes
and cars literally begin to sparkle.
Eventually we find him slouched on a huge throne like chair.
On his table is a huge mountain of cocaine. He snorts it
violently and then sits back staring at us with blank
expressionless eyes.
INT. VIKAS SHETTYS OFFICE - EVENING
VIKAS
So like Al Pacino in Scarface.
Sam shrugs.
VIKAS
Not bad. The younger generation
probably wont make the connection.
But why Dubai?
SAM
Thats the question isnt it? Why
Dubai?
INT. SHOPPING MALL - DUBAI - DAY
We find the heroine with her husband shopping happily. They
are so happy it almost makes us sick. And then from
seemingly nowhere the hero comes out and makes eye contact
with the heroine.
12.
INT. VIKAS SHETTYS OFFICE - EVENING
VIKAS
Ahhhhh.
SAM
Right? Right? The husband is a
doctor in Dubai. Which is why he
wanted to settle there.
VIKAS
And since the heroine is after
money the hero is attractive to her
again. And so starts a torrid love
affair. I like it. I havent done
erotica in a while.
SAM
Oh you wish theyd have an affair.
INT. HEROS MANSION - DUBAI - OH WHO CARES WHAT TIME OF DAY
The hero gives the couple a personal tour. Its quite obvious
that the husband is impressed. The heroine, on the other
hand, is guarded.
SAM (O.S.)
You see, the heroine has found true
love and isnt willing to start an
affair. But the hero starts
seducing ... just not the heroine.
VIKAS (O.S.)
Who then?
SAM (O.S.)
The husband.
INT. VIKAS SHETTYS OFFICE - EVENING
VIKAS
Woah woah woah! That can get us
into some real shit.
SAM
I did not mean they were going to
go gay over each other. This is
seduction with money. Seduction
with the luxurious life the hero
leads.
13.
INT. DUBAI SUPER RICH HOTEL - NIGHT
The hero treats the husband with expensive drinks and food.
They bond big time.
SAM (O.S.)
He shows the husband a life that he
could only have dreamt of. He makes
him the top doctor in a hospital
that he just bought. Theres money
and vice that can be made with the
job.
The husband shakes hand with the hero and hugs him hard. A
little too hard maybe.
SAM (O.S.)
And all the while the heroine
watches this with ever growing
concern.
INT. HEROINES DUBAI APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT
The husband walks in drunk out of his mind. There are hints
of lipstick on his shirt. The heroine watches and silently
cries.
INT. HEROS MANSION - DUBAI
SAM (O.S.)
But then it all comes crashing
down. The doctor makes a mistake
during one of his super complex
operations and is being terminated.
Every benefit he has had is
revoked. His lifestyle hangs in the
balance. But then the hero offers
him one last chance. But with a
price.
The husband is almost literally begging at the heros feet.
The hero acts as though he relents, turns his back at the
husband .... and names his price.
INT. VIKAS SHETTYS OFFICE - EVENING
VIKAS
(quite obviously engrossed)
Whats the price.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.
SAM
The husband must offer his wife to
the hero ... for one night.
BREAK.
VIKAS
Shit.
SAM
And the husband agrees.
VIKAS
Shit.
INT. HEROS MANSION - BEDROOM - DUABI - OBVIOUSLY LATE AT
NIGHT
The heroine wears sheer lingerie. The hero enters the room.
Tears flow down her eyes. The hero walks up to her
unbuttoning his shirt. And then he whispers in her ear.
And the heroines eyes go wild.
INT. VIKAS SHETTYS OFFICE - EVENING
VIKAS
What does he say?
SAM
I reject you. I dont want you. I
wanted to bring you down to the
level of humiliation that you are
in right now. So you wont have the
will to live. And from now on you
will always remember that you were
sold out by your husband and
rejected by the lover who bought
you. You will remember that ...
till the end of your days.
A REALLY LONG BREAK. WE CAN HAVE THE SOUND OF A GRANDFATHER
CLOCK TICK AWAY TO SHOW JUST HOW LONG IT IS.
VIKAS
Good Lord. What did she do to you?
SAM
Well the heroine is modelled after
a girl I dated in college. But she
didnt really do anything to deserve
this.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.
VIKAS
No. I meant the girl you met.
SAM
The one I met last week? Nothing.
VIKAS
Nothing?
SAM
Nothing. We just had a really great
conversation. Infact Im meeting
her for coffee later.
VIKAS
She didnt break your heart or
anything.
SAM
God no! Ive just met her!
VIKAS
So let me get this straight. You
meet a girl.
SAM
Yep.
VIKAS
Im guessing you had a great time.
SAM
Yep.
VIKAS
But nothing romantic. Just a great
great time. You leave happy and you
feel great about yourself ...
because quite frankly nothing ...
and I stress ... NOTHING bad
happened at all.
SAM
It was a great social interaction.
Hadnt had that in a while.
VIKAS
She inspires you to write.
SAM
Yep.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.
VIKAS
And the only thing you come up with
is this twisted emotional revenge
story?
Another shrug.
SAM
Quite right.
VIKAS
You sick bastard.
SAM
Um.
VIKAS
That was the best pitch you have
given me in a long long time.
SAM
I know.
VIKAS
Get to it.
SAM
Consider it done.
Sam walks away. Vikas stares after ... and exhales in
amazement.