YUPPIES ORDER PIZZA

WRITE OFF 8-20-2014

Written by
/u/WithjusTapistol
EXT. A PLACE OF LEGEND PIZZERIA - NIGHT
A HOMELESS MAN and TOM, the delivery boy, stand at the corner
of a small town pizza place.
Tom is leaning up on the wall having a smoke. The Homeless
Man is reciting Shakespeare.
HOMELESS MAN
Life is a walkin shadow, a poor
son of a bitch, struttin and
frettin and... and...
TOM
Harry, I already said you could bum
a smoke off me.
Harry, the Homeless Man, turns to Tom as if seeing him for
the first time.
HARRY
Tom! Can I borrow a smoke? Ill put
a show on for ya.
TOM
Harry
(holding out his pack)
Just take it.
Harry is puzzled, then offended.
HARRY
I dont need hand outs. I can still
perform.
TOM
You just did. It was fantastic.
Here
(shaking the pack)
You earned these.
HARRY
Aw, thank you young sir. A true
gentleman you are.
Tom stubs out his cigarette and walks back into the pizza
place.
INT. A PLACE OF LEGEND PIZZERIA - CONTINUOUS
Arcade games line the walls, half of them out of order. A few
KIDS play Pac-Man while their PARENTS finish off a pitcher of
beer.
Tom strolls past and heads behind the counter. He plops down
on a stool, rests his chin in his hand, and stares at the
clock.
EXT. A PLACE OF LEGEND PIZZERIA - NIGHT
Harry paces back and forth reciting more Shakespeare to no
one.
A shiny black Mercedes zooms into the parking lot and
screeches to a halt, taking up two spaces.
Out pop ANDREU and KRISTIANA. Andreu is dressed in the kind
of expensive ripped clothing you find at Abercrombie.
Kristiana has bolted on tits barely covered in a tube top and
a short white skirt.
Kristiana looks like she smells shit when she sees the pizza
place.
KRISTIANA
This is a Place of Legend?
ANDREU
W-T-F, once again your GPS leads us
to another fine dining experience,
babe.
KRISTIANA
Its not my fault you got hungry
driving through Hicksville, USA.
ANDREU
Yea, yea. Just stuff it and lets
eat.
Harry stays in his own world, playing for a packed house, as
the two yuppies enter the pizza place.
INT. A PLACE OF LEGEND PIZZERIA - ENTRANCE - NIGHT
The parents herd their kids out the door as Andreu and
Kristiana enter.
TOM (O.S.)
Have a good night!
FRONT COUNTER
Tom starts to pull out cleaning supplies. Its closing time!
2.
Andreu and Kristiana approach the counter and stare up at the
menu. His back turned, Tom enters a storage room.
ANDREU
Where is he going?
KRISTIANA
(not listening)
Dont they have salads?
ANDREU
Really? Salad again? When do you
actually eat anything?
She just puts her hand up.
Tom backs out of the storage room with a mop bucket in tow.
Andreu clears his throat. Tom startles, and whirls around.
TOM
Oh my gosh! Ha, you scared the buh-
jeezus out of me.
ANDREU
Uh huh, can we order? Im kind of
in a hurry.
TOM
(genuine)
Aw man, Im sorry. We close in
about five minutes
ANDREU
So youre still open then.
TOM
Well --
ANDREU
Good. Is your dough gluten free?
TOM
Uh... I dont think so.
ANDREU
Well do you have wheat free dough?
TOM
I think all the dough is the same.
Just basic pizza dough.
3.
ANDREU
Fine. Just give me a large
pepperoni with black olives. Extra
cheese. Extra olives.
TOM
Okay, thatll be --
KRISTIANA
Excuse me. I need to order too.
TOM
Sorry. I thought with a large --
KRISTIANA
Do you have salads?
TOM
No.
Kristiana makes a pouty face and turns her back.
ANDREU
Shell just eat later.
TOM
... Right. Can I get your name?
ANDREU
Andreu.
Tom writes Andrew on a note-pad.
ANDREU (CONTD)
Whoa, bro! Its spelled A-N-D-R-E-
U!
TOM
Really?
ANDREU
Yea. Is that a problem?
TOM
No. I mean its your name. I --
ANDREU
Good. Well wait outside. Just come
get us when its ready.
4.