POEMS AND SELFI ES BY STEVE ROGGENBUCK

IF U DONT
LOVE THE
MOON
YOUR AN
ASS HOLE
THIS BOOK IS INTENDED TO BE PUBLIC DOMAIN. PLEASE
USE THE CONTENTS OF THIS BOOK IN ANY WAY YOU LIKE.
Uh oh swagtime
JUSTIN BIEBER, SELFIE CAPTION.
INSTAGRAM. FEBRUARY 29, 2012.
5
This generation needed a hero, and here i am. fuck
the dalai lama for not following anyone back. i stayd
up late enough to hear the pre-dawn birds and they r
beautiful. LOW AND YELLOW CRESCENT MOON.
the most ive ever identifed with a flm character
was anakin skywalker when padm said youre not
all powerful, ani, and anakin said, well i should be
6
USE YOUR LIFE
TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLES
LIVES BETTER
its 2013 !! dang i havent been this excited about a
year since 2012. SHOUT OUT TO BIRDS. i want
to be the person on a football team who rallies
the whole team and gets everyone excited but
the football team is humans in general. I LOVE
TO APRECIATE THE ANIMAL ASPECTS OF
LIEF SUCH AS SEX, POOP, AND EAT. i wil build
a business with hundreds of employees, They
will all have unique job descriptions but only
one job title for all of them: Cockboy. imagine
every instance of Employee being replaced
with Cockboy. in the bathroomCockboys
must wash their hands before returning to work
7
welcome to my home
dont move anywhere inside of here
this is my coat room of owls
9
in spain they love football so much they even call
soccer football. im becoming aware of the fact
that boredom and laziness are social norms, that
ive felt pressured to supress my excitement and
set lazier goals. I TRAINED MY SON TO EAT OUT
OF MY HAND SINCE HE WAS A TODDLER. ITS
RLY STARTING TO FUCK WITH HIM NOW HES
15. if i dont get verifed soon on twiter im gona
have an identity crisis about whether or not i am
actually me. ill sleep when im IRL. is charlie
short for charizard, or charmander? i am falling
asleep to emo songs on a litle sofa in montreal.
i dont feel proud of myself in terms of talent or
even hard work but i am proud that i havent given
up. i want youre life to be better because im in it
10
ALL I DO IS POST
ON THE INTERNET
AND SLEEP
guess whos back u sick fucks, i killed it with
CRUNK JUICE and my previous book gets a lot
of serach engine traffc.
my forms of poetry are so readable, people
usualy cry when they fnd my blog. makeing kids
cry is how i run my shit.
all i do is post on the internet and sleep.
wake up in the a.m., compose a tweet.
i know that im profound, your an asshole
for sugesting that i wouldnt already know. im the
smarterst poet alive. the meter of my poems is
to smart. i kiled a man by using the emotional
content of a poem.
11
i have literaly kiled too many people to be
considered by a small press publiser. they dont
want to be associated with my brand, because i
am a murderer.
man there are so many girls that love my
poems, more girls then anyone elses poetry! my
love poems are romantic, man, girls cant take
it and they go nuts!! IM NOT BRAGGING, I AM
JUST EXPLANING MY LIFE
this is why im hot, i dont gota write, i could
sell a mill posting nothing on my site.

POEM TO ALL THE DUMBASS WRITERS WHO
THINK THEY HAVE A SHOT AT THE BELT
i have over 500 contacts in my phone
most of them are internet people i never met
i have 99 notfcations evrytime i log into facebok.
the average person doesnt even know
12
that facebook notifcations stop at 99,
well when you reach 99
it starts pushing out the older notifcations
so you only see the most recent 99.
i know that because im the best poet to live
since the 1800s
fuck face
also with this poem ive secured my place as the
most jackass poet. thats right im branding as a
jackass, i think its sustainable for me long term.
thanks dumass.
send money to me on paypal, my email is
steveroggenbuck@gmail.com

IF ITS DARK OUT
WHERE YOU ARE,
GO LOOK
AT THE SKY.
IF ITS BRIGHT OUT
WHERE YOU ARE,
GO LOOK
AT THE SKY.
15
dang i hate turtle necks they have put my son out
of business my son makes giraffe necks. my kids
rly love u, they keep talkeing about youre brand!!
srsly wat if i lose my penis? or, what if. i alredy lost
it, and havent told anyone ? and i just dont have
it. WHITE AND HIGH GIBBOUS MOON. being
with u is like watching donnie darko every single
day of my lifeits good. if u dont know where my
penis would go after it detaches from my body,
then youve got a lot to learn about my penis.
im eating noodles by a lamp, it is fall, 6 months from
now i wil miss this. seltzer water makes me so hapy
i coud kill someone and not even feel bad about
it. also im never bored. boredom is a feeling that i
havent felt in years. how can u be bored in this world
16
takeing selfes is the main point of life. if u dont
think selfes are a beautiful art form, youre dead
wrong and ill fght u. a girl behind me on the
bus said i want 20,000 hot dogs pumped into my
veins. i told you i wana put handfuls of wet cereal
underneath your skirt and then come back later
and eat them. u told me thats gross. im geting rly
unsatisfed with culture thats just cool or alt, jus
catchy or funny, but not rly transformative, not
standing for anything. for me art shoud have a
message or attitude behind it thats going to make
you a better person when u get deep into it. i want
artists who can own up to the messages theyre
puting into the world, not jus playing into inherited
tropes. i was feling kind of emo but then i saw
an instagam pictrue of jusitin bieber shirtless. it
is september and we live in the midwest. i want
to see a family of raccoons when i am with you
17
im jeff goldblum in jurassic park for u
i point out human beings exploitation of
the natural world
thats my main function
also im arrogant and i like u
I WANT TO PEE
FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF
AND THEN DIE
19
every humans original nature is to be fricked up,
the mind creates an illusion that your not fricked
up, but u are. im diping bread into my cats water
bowl iii lov it i cant stop !! im like skrillex i jus take
what i liek from my artform and then bastardize
it making a fun version. EATING 2 BAGELS OH
MY GOD I WAS SHOCKED HOW FUN THE
BAGELS ARE. im trying to spread the rumor that
snoop dogg got his name snoop because hes
curious. i wrote people are more beautiful than
art. then i thought, they are not seperate, art is
just an extension/concentration of people. but its
interesting social media has alowed such direct
access to ppl, soon less intimate art may strugle
to compete. the sun is gone but the undersides
of the clouds are still pink. next to his handprints
in hollywood will smith wrote Change the World
20
SLEEP WITH ME
UNTIL WE ARE
BIRDS AT THE END
OF THE WORLD
come meet me in the dark woods where
i have been yoloing
lay down with me in the wide leafed plants
sleep with me until we are birds at the end of
the world
im crying with my
face on the side of a buffalo
it rains on my mouth
there is nothing for me to say in the
rain storm
it is just a rain storm that i am in
21
the sad men of my country are to much
america i am not bored with
my life
america
i am alone but i am not completly alone
i am on the internet
when you are dead i think you
wil miss your problems
you will miss how everyone is
a seperate person
you will miss how every person
every tree every body of water every
city every single thing
is diferent
and has its own way and its
own personality
go somewhere on a mountain
anywhere on the mountain your cat
seems awesome
this is my best october of my life
22
everything in the world makes me hurt
die with me 60 year old man
die with me 40 year old man
i want to be dead in
a tractor tire for a year
come over
i am in the dark trees being fucked at night
there is your outline of your mouth and my
outline of my mouth
it is 1 am
and we are
ten thousand birds
in montreal we are ten thousand
there is
nothing left to wait for now
it is 6 in the morning and
i am calling you something bird related
23
HOW THE FRICK DO YOU
EAT TACOS
WITHOUT AN
INTERNET
CONNECTION
Bob Ross Autographed Gun Rack. Bob Ross
Tactical Shotgun & Case. Bob Ross Vertical Suplex
Into Swinging Neckbreaker. u laugh at me because
im diferent, i laugh at u because your IRL. Breaking:
Dr. Dres Medical License Revoked. students
progress from shouting YOLO to reciting full
carpe-diem poems at frat houses across the world
25
i dont understand James the Giant Peach hes
giant And peach? someone held the door for me
and got mad i didnt thank them. yeah i shoudve
thanked them, but if your not giving unconditonaly,
how much are u realy giving? i overheard a girl say
if i had my way, life would be one long owl city
concert <3 EXTREMELY BIG AND LOW GIBBOUS
MOON. Try showering with dead peoples body
parts instead of soap u wont believe the diference.
CARPE DIME is a latin phrase that means HASHTAG
YOLO. im peein rite now and its dedicated to u
26
dear reader. i love u. and im the only person
on earth who loves u, so u better love me also.
who do you think contributed more to culture
so far, jesus or me? im doing fne i have emo
songs on computer. i thought i had copied a
URL, but when i hit command+v in my browser
it pasted FRCIIICKING BOOOOOOOOOOST.
next time im home i wana say thanks frickwad to
my mom. Breaking: Depressed Whale Commits
Suicide by Intentionally Becoming Beached.
This Song is For All The Dads In the Club, If
Your Not a Dad Get The Fuck Up Out The
Club. i wrote all my poems in outer space. Are u
literaly stupid Why woud i write a book on earth
27
it is 3 AM when i mis you crying about my
poetry program
yes i treuly hat my MFA program
wah wah
cry my eyes out
i tryed to hug my cat and she ran awa, lol
im crying in the midle of the room on the foor
28
im cryin becaus i cant get my wiener out of this
pop can. please. its cutting. ALL DOGS GO TO
HELL \m/ Be careful out there in lief, yesterday
i licked a manatee-related sign in a public park,
now i am sick, it coud hapen to anyone. do u ever
think of how, posibly right now, your true love just
clicked onto youre internet presence for the frst
time? it feels like chrismas today waking up to use
the internet. im so good loocking. HOW MANY OF
THE AIR BUD SEQUELS HAVE U EVEN WATCHED?
notifcations can be overwelming somtimes, but i
had this moment, relaxing here, the facebook ticker
just kept going like the world breathing. somtimes
i favorite a tweet, then realize it was insulting me,
then decide id rather send the person positive
energy anyway. This is tenessee. u sick fuck this is
god damned memphis. is it hot for me to get puked
on by kids and there moms? a candle inside of a
hollow paper cylinder. i hold down your face with
my face, i hold down your mouth with my mouth
30
TRUELY MADLY
DEEPLY
in the absolutely dark sea i have birds that
land on me and go inside me
let me go near you to touch you
let me put my birds
exactly in your mouth
what can i do with your moon lighted and
bare knees
what is there now
every thing on you i want
you are somthing softer than star flled night

im going to kis you and say 666 in your mouth
i feel happy every time i see your name on
the internet
i want it to be 70 degrees and
31
us kising
do u want that

my mouth is for you
my permenently bird flld mouth is for you
(like an ocean
my birds are toward the outside of me)
my fowers fall onto you
on your mouth
and sometimes you are in my
fowers and
sometimes i have fowers falling
on you and off you

i am like various animals when i am with you
i cant even tell which ones
show me
quiet airplanes landing in you constantly
be in me like my breath is
32
i want to put my mouth on you like the
stars on the night
your prety interesting to me because youre
the most bird-like person
youre like a bird because i like birds and i like u
i just like who you are

if were watching a movie and its not very
good in the
frst half hour
we can turn it off and k iss
there is no reason for us to watch
movies that are just ok
kising with you is remarkable
if the movie is not
remarkable we have beter things to do

i need you on your back somewhere
33
i sing into your mouth pretending you are dead
it sounds like you are the ocean
i hold your
mouth like a cup
it sounds like you are full of what the sky is full of
34
im pissed off band of horses is not actual horses.
what will it take to get some god damned actual
horses into the studio because i am willing to
do what it takes. i want to have a gigantic bird
mask on my face everywhere i go. WHAT WOULD
U SAY if u knew it was your last comunication
with anyone, for ever? my favorite moment from
the offce is when michael scott quits and tells
david wallace You have no idea how high i can
fy. The World Series of Christianity. a person at
this party recognized me from the internet, they
seemed upset that i exist IRL. im not totaly sure
how to double dog dare but im hangin out
with 2 dogs right now im thinkin of goin for it
36
MY HONK IF UR CANADIAN BUMPER STICKER
WAS UNEXPECEDLY A HUGE HIT WITH GEESE.
in my ideal relationship we make out to sigur ros
all the frickin time. i wana go to a poetry slam
where all the poets are dogs. in history books,
do u think they wil talk more about my poetry
or my selfes? just imagine for a second: racoon
sippin on a juice box. i like hardcore music that
makes me feel strong. idea for a bank that has
live bats instead of money. my 401k is valued at
over 20,000 bats. SUMMER IS COMING i feel
so mUCH excitment about warm weather comin
back and all the things i associate with it, BIRDs
!!! SUmmer nights :) SMELLin the Air ! i passed a
tree with like 19 birds and a squirrel in it just chiling
llike the squirel is part of the fock. appreciate the
people in your life. Nothing is promised in the
future. right now is the time to be with people
37
LISTEN TO
RAP SONGS
& WORK
HARD
if u act like today is just another day, thats what it
will be. SHOUT OUT TO EVERY SINGLE PLANT
ON EARTH !!! I LOVE YOU PLANTS . PLANTS
I SERIEOUSLY LOVE YOU. COME BACK TO
ME I NEED YOU !! when i post on the internet
i feel like im feeding and petting a bunch of
jacked up dogs. i willl 100 % guaranteed die
doing the thing i love because i love being alive
39
this party doesnt even have dogs. i want to
put my sweatshirt hood up but its already up.
i opend a notepad fle and instinctively typed i
love my dick as if it was the title of my to-do list.
What Can I Say, My Wife Loves Turtles. i want to
write 666 in all caps. the time of post-boost may
come. until then, boost. all i do is poop and cry:
poop, cry, repeat. Break-up poem: i would have
gotten you a VCR. i literaly offered to buy u one
40
your son attained the webelow level of boy scouts
cool
fuck your webelow son
41
I LOVE THE
SOUND OF RAIN
WHEN I AM
ONLINE
Down with the clown as a rally cry to dethrone
the clown. dont waste time aknowledging the
posibility of failure, Its always there but you will
perform better if u cultivate total confdence in
yourself. Buddhist NASCAR. version of seinfeld
where all the characters are dolphins. at some
point dolphins became inherently funny and im
not sure when that was. someone in this airplane
is lisening to justin beiber realy loudly and i hope
for everyones sake it is the guy with white hair
42
god must have spent a litle more $$$ on u. i like
having my computer near me while i sleep. U HAVE
TO APRECIATE YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOULL
NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENS. IN MANY
CASES YOU CAN GET KILLED DID U EVER SEE
FINAL DESTINATION. when someone tells you that
you cant do somthing You gained an awesome
oportunity to prove them wrong. please throw
money into my pants when i am IRL. i pooped i feel
so good. cream corn rules everything around me.
the boost that can be bought or sold is not the true
boost. YOU GAINED ACCESS ONTO MY BOAT,
YOU BEAUTIFUL GIRL. i have an idea for a movie
kind of like human centipede, but with dolphins
insted of humans its called dolphin centipede. does
anyone else on this message board restrict there
dogs access to social media? when i fy i always
choose a window seat because i love the world
44
IF U UNDERSTAND
THIS ZEN KOAN
THEN YOU HAVE
REACHED SUCH
GREAT HEIGHTS
WHICH IS THE
HIGHEST LEVEL
OF HUMAN
SPIRITUALITY
Q: whos boosting who?
A: boost
45
I DONT GO IRL BECAUS IM SCARED THAT
SITUATIONS LIKE IN THE SAW MOVIES WILL
HAPPEN TO ME. i cant dicide if i want my body to
be a wonderland or a temple? All my love poems
are about the moon ok they are not about human
beings. Godspeed You Fricked Up Emperor. its
friday night im watching the justin bieber movie
for the 14th time, alone. JUST BECAUS U HAVE
A PIC OF JUSTIN BEIBR IN YOUR SHOWER
DOSENT MEAN SOMTHING SEXUAL, HES AN
INSPIRATION OK. I MAY PUT A PIC OF WILL
SMITH TOO. i want that fve year old with a
orange juice gallon to bang it on my legs!! some
days success just means not giving up. there
wil be periods of time when u make very little
progress, but if you can keep going long enough
to make it to the next productive time, then u
suceeded. your strength is in your willingness to
keep pushing when others would stop. there is
literaly a section of your life that starts right now
47
somday soon i wil be at a holiday dinner with my
mom and i wil scowl at her and say Watch Youre
Mouth Fricker. oh, im grateful to be alive! im steve
roggenbuck,im friends with my life, thanks!
thank you! i work hard, thank u! ICP and sigur ros
should collab! WELCOME TO FAMILEY FEUD,
IM YOURE HOST DAVE GROHL BOING BOING
BOING BOING. what is a love triangle seems
like it includes two of my favorite things? i want a
girl to say what in hecks name and then hug me
48
i am sorry you beautiful photographer of birds
i am sorry youre beautiful in the same way
as a VCR
im ready to pour you in the
dark and silly bookbag of the night
my wolves inside me have found your
instagram
and now i love you
have you started to believe me that you
are beautiful
that the wolves in you
are wolves in a beautiful person
come meet me inside of my internet cafe
if you cant say
anything nice about my blog
dont say anything nice at all
49
ILL SPEND 20 YEARS
CHANGIN POETRY
THEN SPEND THE
NEXT 20 CHANGIN
IT BACK
ok if jesus come back i will teach him Internet.
bad writing is a meaningless phrase that creates
hierarchy where its not apropriate. EMO DAD
license plate. buddha buddha buddha buddha
rockin everywhere. i peaked out the window before
bed and saw a brown buny hoppin across the
snowy yard. Reluctantly deleting Air Bud torrents
as i run out of hard-drive space. what if it was your
thing to get people gifts with dead bats inside
of them? make your haters jealous of your life
51
AN INTERNET BARD AT LAST! everything in
the world makes me cry. i know many birds, all
of whom i love. if u dont like the design of my
blog i will cut you completley out of my life. just
overhearing tv commercials and cnn in this bus
station, what the friick is our culture. news anchors
shoud remind ppl that your lucky to be alive and
there are ducks and cows. news anchors shoud
dance while there telling you updates, and there
should be updates that are intended to make u
smile. everybody is sad and bored And media
is an oportunity to help them, but mass media
isnt hellping anyone so thank godness for social
media Lets do somthing to change the world
52
frick your a bad ass kitchen owner. i just spilled
pop on a painting at this art opening. I LOVE
JUSTING BIEBER THIS IS AWESOME. OH
CRAP THE DOCEUMENTARY IS ALMOT OVER, I
WILL LOVE FOREVER THOUGH JUSTIN DREW
BEIBER !!! good lukc jacing yourself off lol, ill be
in the frst class seats smokeing a cigar made of
hunded dollar bills. mom, the stars are beauiful.
when im moving my birds there can be many
birds who get loose and suround me, then i am
in a cloud of birds. My hole family is emo so yes
im offended by your comment. defnately dont
expect to see me back on your website again. why
do i misspell things? its funy and cute and i like
to destroy my credibilty in the conventional (and
IMO superfcial) ways, so if ppl like me, its for the
right reasons. Mom. the stars are beautiful. i have
reachd 6,666 tweets. Fuck everyone on this planet
53
when i kis u im 60 years old
its chill
60 is the new 50
54
YOU ARE
POWERFUL
WHEN YOU ARE
EXCITED
i want my obituary to say pecked to death by
birds and i dont want it to be lying i wana earn it.
juggalo post-rock. ITS RARE FOR SOMEONE TO
ACTUALY TRY HARD TO ACHIVE THEIR DREAMS,
SO IT STICKS OUT WHEN YOU ARE PERSISTENT
AND YOU KEEP GOING IN SPITE OF FAILURES,
56
owning a nice car seems like one of the stupidest
things that a person could do. YELLOW MOON
SETTING NEXT TO PALM TREES IN A PURPLE
TINTED BEATUIFUL SKY. jesus chrits i feel so
good i feel like i felt after i read leaves of grass for
the frst time, im so appreciative i want ti share this
feeling, i want to share this with others as much as
i can i love you. THIS GIRL IN THE BREAD STORE
KEEPS LOOKEN AT ME LIKE SHE WANTS TO
FRICK. to put a rest to the rumors: yes im acting
in a feature length fim. its a prequal to save
the last dance, its called save the penultimate
dance. cool it rains on my mouth. when i look at
you i want my pants off. im imagining me and u
having sex to bob ross videos. U look so good
in a miror holding a phone. if i was with u i might
whisper into ur ear that i like u and i wana kis u
COME
BOWLING.
I LOVE YOU
LIKE A
LOVE SONG
59
I Love to See That Many Of My Followers are Dogs
But If I Ever Find Out that You Are Not a Dog IRL
You Will be In Some Shit. the most valuable skill
now is being able to keep yourself to an active,
deliberate use of the internet. i hacked my dads
porn pinterest :) there are forms of frustration and
sadness that ultimatly feel good to me becaus
they clarify and strengthen my resolve to change
my life. watching planet earth, this poler bear
was trying to eat a walrus and he failed, now he
just curled up on the snow to starve to death.
slang for penis: boynana. chicago skyline from
the south is beautiful as frick at night. a woman
in this student lounge just looked at my face and
said nice. toast my bun lol. im on th dance foor
performing my new dance checking twiter in
social situations. im doing so many activitys lol. im
happy, i dont even want to sleep but im tired than
heck so i have to. wow theres so many activitys
:) im gonna pee in the cushions of my own futon
60
ME & YOU BECAUSE
I LIKE YOU
im thikning of kising you in a diferent galaxy, but
its not vary diferent, mainly the gravity is diferent. i
have found a way to kis you that only i have found,
and i wil kis you useing that way. i want you on
top of pancakes. more pancakes then i have ever
wanted a person on top of. i kis you on a pancake
pile. damn. i have just spent 45 minutes kising
you on top of a pancake. i want to kis you in a
way that immediately ends a game of yahtzee. i
wana kis you while getting patted on the butt by a
coach. i want to be almost kising you, and then be
kising you
yes i woudl love to frick u watching i robot, thanks.
i want to frick u in a pair of pants that is so big
61
we can both ft in the pants. i want to frick u in
petsmart. i want to frick you live on comedy central.
weird i found som pants that are the perfect size
to frick you in your bed. i want you in your wood
sided car the size of a boat. if there is ever 50 of
an object in the same place i think about kising
you in a pile of them. i want you in a ball pit of n64
game cartridges. i want you deep in the cartridges

i hurt mising you in the south of the country
because that is where i am. i wil hurt mising you
in the north when i am in the north. i want cake on
your body. i want to frick you in maryland summer
carrying waterbottles that we got from your mom.
i want you with garden peas shoved in your mouth.
it feels like im eating 200 green grapes in the hot
rain, but im actualy not, im eating a gigantic french
bread in your shower. i wil literaly frick you in both
dakotas. i dotn care, im gona borow my moms
mini van
62
sure i will photograph u for your nsfw tumblr. i
wana kis you in the top of a banana tree, then i
take a banana and i say surfs up. i want to be
on a surf board with you, surfng and fricking in
the waves. you make me wana crank dubstep.
i want u with triscuits on deck. when we have
triscuits on deck, there just available. its not like
were necesarily gona eat them while we frick,
theyre just there. im gona kis you in utah. i dont
know what there is there, but i dont care, im kising
you there
i want to practice tennis with you and then it pro-
gresses to fricking later. i want to check into four
square when im fricking you. i dont even have a
foursquare acount. im gona kis u in a way that
stops a piano recital. im gona transfer my chewed
up vegie burger into your mouth. i want to sing
selena gomez with my mouth on your mouth. i
want you with swag on you
63
im traveling to somwhere far away as frick, hehe.
i wil literally kis this cake into your mouth. i will
literally bake u the cobbler of youre choice. im
the panda eating your bamboo in you. im eatting
your bamboo. im eatting your bamboo. i want you
in the bathroom of a train
i wana kis you with 500 manatees. what are u
doing? haha nothing, just chiling with manatees. i
literaly wana kiss you like a manatee
IN THE ROOM THE
WOMEN COME & GO
TALKING OF DANGELO
65
question about land before time how is there
narrative? i dont have too firt with girls, all i do
is say 666 and the come to me. i jus say 666
with the look that says it all without saying it. my
dog cant get out of the macrowave haha. im
nice to moths and i love every one who is alive.
im tryin to cause mid-lief crises earlyer in life so
people dont frick up for as long. make my mom
cry pee out of her eyes \m/ god is nonviolent, it
wil be easy to take him down. if my dog dosent
get legal asistence he could lose his house
hahahah. just because i dont have a bed dosent
mean i cant shit in one ;) im sleepin in the shape
of a triangle with two frends in a gigantic bed.
im riding thru the cascade mountains with a
dozen vegan donuts and a vegan pizza and two
friends and justin bieber dubstep. the full moon
is refecting on this water of east washington.
washington is a beautful state, and i love my frends
66
every single human is sad
haha
not necesarily this moment
but like recuringly sad
haha
boost
67
I BELONG TO MY
CHRISTIAN FANBASE.
I AM A GIFT TO MY
CHRISTIAN AND
UNDER-40 FANBASE.
who should be the relative pronoun for all
animals, not just humans. fuck it, im gona get
completly naked for this shower. With great power
comes great torque (theyre directly proportional).
i see you love the species Bird. i also lov Bird.
version of romeo & juliet where romeo is from the
internet and juliet is from IRL. we need culture
that pulls us toward a healthier and kinder way of
living. Enjoy things, help people, and eventualy
die. u can make someones day better right now
68
if budwiser was actualy brewed by the horses
maybe i would fnd alcohol worth my time.
Congratulations: your charmander boosted. it
was a cool idea to put me dead in the cactus
becaus i love to be a dead boy. my dad lives in
the countryside i want to be dead in the woods.
Skrillex the Red-Nosed Reindeer. this apartment
building is bleak ive never heard any of my
neighbors having sex. the amount u can learn
by failing is often more valuable than immediate
success. youre eyes are almost as cute as a dog
<3 beautiful birdlike human girl you are the girl for
me. when i make pancakes with you it is the most
creative i have ever been with food. when i am
fricking you in the goat i dont understand myself.
i dont recognize the goat. there will be time to
understand my actions after i have done them
IF ANYONE
SHOWS US THE
CEILING
WE SHOW
THEM SKY
71
when u die, every selfe u ever took fashes before
your eyes. owl city t-shirt made of human ears. im
bringin back up your butt and around the corner.
i am the true peace of shit that internet culture has
produced. watch me crrackin my sex butt ;) im a
butt crack ;) Five elements combine to create all
matter in the universe: earth, water, air, fre, dubstep.
one of the most rare and powerful sentiments u
can posibly express in this culture is i like myself.
A LOT OF PPL TALKEING SHIT ON DANDELIONS
AND I DONT UNDERSTAND IT. IF U THINK
DANDELIONS ARE A WEED, FRICK U. my lief is
like a malfunctioning mp3 player that just keeps
playing susudio by phil collins. on repeat. forever
72
PUT YOUR DEAD
THINGS IN ME,
I HAVE ROOM IN ME
you are dead in my back of my house now
god i could
kis you in the chairs of a megabus because
megabus makes it afordable to travel
i wil show up
in your home waterlogged and
dead with a panda costume on
and i will say
bleed in my little hands
you put pandas in the
girl you put pandas in america
i want my
fve ugly bird corpses
73
it is time for me to put dead boys in your bed
i will be quiet moveing the boys
i wil say
welcome to the inside of my library
its just a room of choir boys who are
almost dead
so fuck me with your triangles
i am taking the womans blood with me into
the shower where
the seven girls make me cough rain
make me cough rain girls i am
your sweet mule
i am your blood soaked mule
and i hate the detroit river
my tub is
beautiful and red now
put your dead things into me like the rain
sit dead in your
little corner of my tub and
push your gun in me
74
you have to smell like something
and you are dead
so you
smell like you are dead
75
on 6/6/06 i playd a metal show with my band, the
shows slogan was MOTHER FUCKIN METAL
FOR MOTHER FUCKIN EVER. it feels liek im
constantly slam dunking on society as a whole.
im what happens when a baby genius grows up
76
imagine a world in which all consumption of
alcohol was replaced by ppl hangin out with
dogs. rebellious teens partyin with dogs. ragged
and hopeless man goes on a month-long bender
playing with dogs in his apartment. smartphone
app called IRL that turns off ur phone. U WANNA
KNOW HOW SEROUS I AM ABOUT YOLO?? i
made a bulleted list of 10 things id do diferently if
i was told i only had a year left to live. im pumpt the
hell up you idiot freaks !!! my anser to every problem
i encounter is to get more famous on the internet. i
wana do a keg stand with a keg of vanilla almond
milk. im eating straight-up vegie burger patty
without pants on and my undepants r forescent
orange. i tried to watch a trailer for fast & furious 6,
and the youtube ad before it was a diferent trailer
for fast & furius 6. hey persons :) if your reading
this it means i love u and i wish we were huging
77
it is a beautiful time to be in the south
i masturbate here and there
78
WHEN I LISTEN
TO OWL CITY
I AM MORE READY
TO ACCEPT MY
DEATH
i posted an owl city song on my tumblr and
it only got 2 notes, how am i suposed to help
people if they refuse to help themselves? i want
to kis u with owl city songs on, but if u just say
ok about that and your not excited, fuck u. the
only way im wiling to have sex now is if owl
city is playing. im tryin to rebrand sex to myself
as wacky and fantastical. i wish i coud be the
owl city of literature, but im so busy being the
skrilex of literature, im not sure ill have time
80
im spankin my kid because he contracted SARS
off my dogs pet bed. my kid shoudnt have
done that, he needs to learn. im workin hard to
become the justin bieber of literature. so far i
kno of 2 guys who are geting upset and jealous
because there girfriend likes me too much. Skrillex,
PhD. I GOT VEGAN DONUTS AND IM ON A
BEACH. basicly my lief is a videogame called
Internet Tycoon and i got the high score. im
like, if a horse was a human being, THats me. i
misread Price as Frick. im peeing inside of
a jewel case of a cd-rom. I KEEP PUTING MY
HEAD OUT THE CAR WINDOW ITS RAINING
I AM sO BEATIFUL I aM PRACTICLY A DOG
81
I BEEN DOIN
HEGEL
EXERCISES
FOR BETTER
ORGAMS
cream corn seems the same as sex. i want more
pandas on the internet. if the Big Bang was the
Creation of IRL, then Creation of Internet should
be refered to as the Big Bang 2, or, posibly: 2
Big, 2 Bang
82
your already yoloing u dumb ass its the human
condition, realize ur true natrue. grow a beard on
youre ass. basicly im tryin to fnd the right girl to
watch all the Air Bud movies with. <3 she was liek,
Boost! and i was liek, Truely. seems like i was
sad for about half an hour but then i got bored of
being sad so now im not sad. wwow ok, i waked up
this morning feeling like p ditty!! i just remebered
a story from my hometown of a farmer putting
a dead cow in someones driveway during their
kids birthday party, as revenge. thanks, my son
cant poop. sunrise shineing on thhese pittsburgh
bridges, godd i waant you. godd i want you to be
mormon. oour mom is hot! Thats why were hot!!
im ready to have cans of black beans thrown at my
arms and face. iM ready to get bean cans whipped
at me. im gona ppee in my moms tank of her toilet
so when she fushes the water is still yellow. Porn
Cow :) im gonna pput a cats paw in your ass hole
84
i dont care if there r bats eating me
why woud i care
hehe
85
i would like to become a beautiful sunfower 100
miles high. i cant help it. i am beautiful to be
like this. i want to tape a vaccum cleaner to the
bumper of a car and yell compliments to the driver,
such as you are sexy and others. frick this life,
im going too hell, lol FUCK THIS !! I LOVE THIS
!!!11 its so beautiful to be in the world. Im sad and
i love the world. i can do things today that make
other people feel happiness and pleasure. i love
that, i want to do that every day. i want 2,000 hate-
fueled birds to peck my penis and eyes. basicly, i
want my whole lief to be like the parts of the social
network where they are simultaneously partying
and working hard. im in the baltimore airport.
the couple siting by me is playing a game where
they guess what the next person to walk by will
be wearing. its awesome, i wish i was playing. i
have my umbrella for u anytime jus let me know i
can keep u dry. it is fall in my dream of you. i want
your grass staind legs in the beautiful dark rain
87
my dad dosent wear condoms when he fricks
because theres not a condem big as his balls \m/
brb, smokeing like 5 hookahs while driveing. so
glad i can make a diference today on line! by the
way im looking for a 5 year old to take over my
twitter and facebook acounts. shove a can of pop
in my dads ass. im smashin my own genitals with a
ruber mallet lol, YOLO. light rain ousidebang my
dads ass. its midnight i am jacked up and HAPPY,
i dont wana sleep, there is so much to BUILD we
are BUILDING something frends !!! WOW THE
NIGHT. i passed a tile store whose slogan is FOR
THE LOVE OF TILE. its easy to lie to yourself that u r
working as hard as u can. if u want somthing, dont
lie to yourslef that it will just happen. Get to work
IM ONLY 10 AND
I DRINK JUICE
88
im like a friendly vegan bear
hehe
im hibernateing
dont distrub me im a bear :)
roarr
i like u
89
thanks yeah i love peeing in ass holes. Grimes
is my mom. thanks yeah my sons have made
me a cake. technicly the genre of culture i am
producing is called post-myspace. Lets arange
a game of monopoly or Jenga !! WELCOME TO
BEAUTIFUL EARTH, CAN U BELIVE OVER 7000
PEOPLE LIVE HERE. i wana poop NOW. im a
yoga student whos ready to hang dead in a tire
swing, surounded by ten year olds kicking my
liefess body :) i can balance youre poop on
end \m/ i want a celebrity with 5 million followers
to tweet Whoever just unfollowed me, FUCK
YOU. i was at SXSW and a woman yelled i love
everything about life!! now im sitting on the end
of a slide in a texas playground alone at dusk.
wack me, lol. i frriickin love when i dont die
90
wonderful canoeing woman, you have riden a
canoe. i am warm with you making the violin
change pitch pushing your hips in the dirt. i am
puting the boys choir in your mouth. i dont bathe
but im refreshed when i drink blood from a horses
mouth. in the bathroom i put bats in my mouth
endlessly. i put fruit and blood on myself luring
additional bats. i am not ready to die in this church
yet but i will be ready soon. gigantic angels of the
horse, you are beautiful. i come for like an hour
because of the fucked up horse. i am coming
down from my beautiful moment with the horse
I AM NOT READY TO
DIE IN THIS CHURCH
YET BUT I WILL
BE READY SOON
91
im lost in a gigantic park
i want u to be lost with me
unfortunately i cant give u directions here
because im lost
93
ive said boost while haveing an orgasm exactly
once in my lief. once is enough. when someone
asks how are you, you can use it as a oportunity
to remember all the great things in your life, and
answer with those things in mind. YOLO YOLO
YOLO YOLO IM EATTING CEREAL WITH A GRAPE
FRIUT SPOON YOLO YOLO. 666 shades of grey.
666 days of summer. 666 mile. the 666 year old
virgin. i feel good when i stay up late working on
what i love. im tryin to think if theres anyone who
woud care that im lisening to owl city, so i can
text them and say that im lisening to owl city. my
fetching swag may be to much to stare at directly
just keep catapulting dead people onto me. Im
Mileys Dad You asshole. Im your new food, no
need to hurt ur mouth on abrasive Cereals again.
(jumping on a cake in the bath tub) good point,
My garage foor looks freaking fantastic! octopus
party with my girl and im 600 pounds. i almost never
masturbate on megabus. but on amtrakconstantly
94
somone told me their grandma died and i almost
said dark. u dont need a las name when your
frst name as good as Skrillex hahahhah YOLO.
veganism is opposing oppression, that is all,
human blood is OK if u had consent. maybe its
good for us spiritualy to deal with social media
constant notifcations, we have to learn to fnd calm
during activity. a woman at my reading thought my
name was Skrillex because i introduced myself as
Skrillex. theres nothing bad about failing, serously
what is bad about it? u will fail a bunch of times
before u succeed. who cares. the best album ever
recorded was put on your rosy red glasses by the
number twelve looks like you. the second best
album ever recorded was of malice and the magnum
heart by misery signals. the best things on netfix
instant are southland tales, jusin biber never say
never, and into the universe with stephen hawking
95
IM RIPE FOR
THE FRICKING
photographs, u know, IRL screenshots? my goal
is to rebrand spirituality as alt. i keep thinkig of
how cool my friends are !! and how cool things like
snow, sunshine, grass, water, sex, and food are !! i
jUst want to say its a great joy being here with all
of you on fricked up EArth, in the happiness and
the suffering And i love you. Every person alive i
love you. if i could wish one thing for ppl it woud
be Dont Be Afraid, there is so much out there
for you if you go get it. Faygo brand kombucha.
Outer space version of bob ross. it is time to
make something you are proud of with your life
96
I LOVE YOU AND WE HAVE A LIMITED AMOUNT
OF TIME ALIVEDO THINGS THAT MAKE YOU
FEEL GOOD. try this: Interupt a mundane social
situation by hugging a person and teling them
there so awsome. take a tylenol and eat a bowl
of cereal, then crap the bed while u nap. People
sleeping in the same room as me last night
have reported that i calmly said boost and
butt sex in my sleep. Hell Yeah Woman I Am
A bird. i believe deeply in what i am Doing and
Sharing So i Am happy and Driven in my work
98
im rowing on ur sexual missippi river
im like
huck fnn for u
im the sex version of huck fnn
im like
mark twains sex toy
99
i dont want to concern mysef with whether
success is possible, i will act like it is possible.
the wind is blowing the trees. i am reading pablo
neruda love poems and drinking selzer water by
a window hearing the wind. i wil charm a squirrel
into my arms. i need to be kinder to myself. i am
in the moutains of north carolina. i downsized to
one bag, and i feel calm and motivated at the
same time. i want to keep my focus on boosting
others. i am naked and dark and my ears are
like the ears of a panda. do you remember when
i threw the brownie on top of someones van?
your fun to hang out with :) look at me, i have
shown up to your home with a gigantic juice !! i
took this selena gomez screen shot for you. do
you people have windmills? do your local people
have windmills. I was talking to someone i know
in rochester new york, and they said they love
Degrassi. i want an ICP Yoga Mat. stop fracking
/ start fricking. My corpse is my fnal poem
101
im cryin again because im thinkin of how beautiful
of a dad robin willams probably is. im happiest
when im tweeting a lot, my happiness and my
prolifc use of the internet promote each other.
if you have a thousand birds in you theyll fnd a
way out. i like hardcore music about friends. it is
important to me that i be smarter and more skilled
than corporations at using the internet to shape
culture. GIBBOUS MOON IN A LIGHT PURPLE
WESTERN SKY. when youre mean to someone
else your being mean to yourself. its so much
drama and guilt to see yourself being an asshole,
try to stay kind. i been useing a tablecloth as a
blanket for 5 days. theres a bird chirping now
outside. i stayed up till 8am making image macros
with my friend. i wouldnt trade lives with anyone
JUST A
REMINDER
THAT U
WILL DIE
103
I AM 35 AND MY SON IS DEAD BECAUSE OF
THE YOLO LIFESTYLE. YOLO HAS TAKEN MY
SONS LIFE AWAY FROM ME. BEFORE YOLO,
I ACTUALLY LOVED MY SON. I WILL NEVER
FORGIVE SEAN KINGSTON FOR POPULARIZING
THE YOLO MEME THAT KILLED MY SON.
somtimes when im walkin home ill arrive at my
apartment but i dont feel ready to go in, so i
just keep walkin around the block until im ready.
thats how i know im a true artist and romantic.
IM LACANS MOM. i want ICP to open up a zen
monastery. pepsi ad says LIVE FOR NOW, great
message but dont be fooled, Pepsi dosnt give a
shit about you feeding u corn syrup. drink water
to stay on ur Game. you know when ppl have the
rope on their glasses, going around their head so
the glasses never fall off? well my dog has that.
im happy for u because if your reading this it
means your alive and u get to take a breathE right
NOW And than move around !! and youR ALIVE :)
104
everybody i see hurting and i dont want
them to hrurt
i want you to be ok
i dont know how to
stop you from
hurting but i will try to
do it
i wish i was better at it
i want to stand for what is right to me
i dont want to do anything that i think
is bad for humans
or others animals or any one
i want to work harder than i have been
i want to be hugging you
i wish that i could take care
of you some
how
i dont want you to be cold or
alone you are beatuiful and deserve to feel
good
105
i spit out my drink laughing when i remembered
that my brother got swine fu. i want every person
alive to be waiting in line to have me call them a
sick fuck. i wana be chugging seltzer water while
yelling at mysef to chug it. i cant even imagine
being IRL enough to infict physical violence on
someone. just be very AWAre what kinda person
u wana be Ok, and then be that kinda person as
much as u can. if u mess up, just get back to it. i love
the simple and beautiful trees. i love the simple
and wonderful rain. i am excited to be in the world
TUMBLR
LIVEMYLIEF.COM
PLUS.LIVEMYLIEF.COM
TWITTER
@STEVEROGGENBUCK
FACEBOOK
/BOOSTTHEWORLD
YOUTUBE
/STEVEROGGENBUCK
VINE
STEVE ROGGENBUCK
INSTAGRAM
@STEVEROGGENBUCK
E-MAIL
STEVEROGGENBUCK
@GMAIL.COM
steve
roggenbuck
ive considered myself vegan for six years now. i want to
use this fnal page of my book to explain why im vegan
humans can sign contracts and consent to work for
each other, but we can never have consent to use other
animals. when we use animals for food, clothing, or
entertainment, we are forcing our choices on them. and
these choices take away their freedom, break up their
families, and cause them physical and mental pain
almost all farm animals are raised in very cruel conditions
(look up factory farming for details), and even on
humane farms, animals are used like tools. dairy cows
are impregnated against their will, then their child is
taken away so we can have her milk instead. after a
while shes no longer good to produce milk, so we kill her
we dont have to exploit other animals like this. humans
can be healthy and happy without animal products
people who believe in these anti-exploitation ideals are
often lazy about their actual lifestyle choices though.
friendswith veganism or anything elseim urging you
to do what you really believe in during your life. we only
get to be people one time
thank you friends. i know we can make the world better