Black Adder Goes Forth, Episode One

Captain Cook
[The dugout. Blackadder is sitting in a chair reading a book. A record is
playing softly. cratching noises are heard.!
Blackadder" Baldrick, #hat are you doing out there$
Baldrick" %&' car(ing so'ething on this bullet sir.
Blackadder" )hat are you car(ing$
Baldrick" %&' car(ing *Baldrick*, sir.
Blackadder" )hy$
Baldrick" %t&s a cunning plan actually.
Blackadder" Of course it is.
Baldrick" +ou see, you kno# they say that so'e#here there&s a bullet
#ith your na'e on it$
Blackadder" +es$
Baldrick" )ell, % thought if % o#ned the bullet #ith 'y na'e on it,
%&d ne(er get hit by it, &cos % #on&t e(er shoot 'yself.
Blackadder" Oh, sha'e.
Baldrick" And, the chances of there being t#o bullets #ith 'y na'e
on the' are (ery s'all indeed.
Blackadder" That&s not the only thing around here that&s *(ery s'all
indeed*. +our brain for e,a'ple, is so 'inute, Baldrick,
that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open there
#ouldn&t be enough inside to co(er a s'all #ater-biscuit.
[George enters.!
George" Tally-ho pip-pip and Bernard&s your uncle.
Blackadder" %n English #e say, *Good .orning*.
George" /ook #hat % got for you sir.
Blackadder" )hat$
George" %t&s the latest issue of *0ing 1 Country*. Oh, da'n
inspiring stuff2 the 'aga3ine that tells the To''ies the
truth about the #ar.
Blackadder" Or alternati(ely, the greatest #ork of fiction since (o#s
of fidelity #ere included in the French 'arriage ser(ice.
[flicks through paper!
George" Co'e, co'e, sir, no#. +ou can&t deny that this fine
ne#spaper is good for the 'orale of the 'en.
Blackadder" Certainly not, % 4ust think that 'ore could be achie(ed by
gi(ing the' so'e real toilet-paper. [hands paper back to
George!
George" 5ot #ith you at all sir, #hat could any patriotic chap
ha(e against this 'agnificent 'ag$
Blackadder" Apart fro' his botto'$
George" +es.
Blackadder" )ell look at it. [takes the paper again! % 'ean the
stuff&s about as con(incing as 6r. Crippen&s defence
la#yer. The British To''ies are all portrayed as si, foot
si, #ith biceps the si3e of Bourne'outh.
George" Thoroughly inspiring stuff. And look sir, this also
arri(ed for you this 'orning. [hands paper bag to
Blackadder!
Blackadder" [opening bag, taking out a re(ol(er! 7'', do you kno# #hat
this is, /ieutenant$
George" %t&s a good old ser(ice re(ol(er.
Blackadder" )rong. %t&s a brand ne# ser(ice re(ol(er, #hich %&(e
suspiciously been sent #ithout asking for it. % s'ell
so'ething fishy, and %&' not talking about the contents of
Baldrick&s apple cru'ble.
George" That&s funny sir, because #e didn&t order those ne#
trench-cli'bing ladders either.
Blackadder" 5e# ladders$
George" +eah, ca'e yesterday. % issued the' to the 'en, and they
#ere absolutely thrilled. [calls to Baldrick! %sn&t that
right 'en$
Baldrick" [fro' the door#ay! +es sir, first solid fuel #e&(e had
since #e burned the cat.
Blackadder" o'ething&s going on, and % think % can 'ake an educated
guess #hat it is. o'ething #hich you, George, #ould find
hard to do. [they go outside into the trench!
George" Ah, true, true. )here % #as at school, education could go
hang as long as a boy could hit a si,, sing the school
song (ery loud, and take a hot cru'pet fro' behind #ithout
blubbing.
Blackadder" %, on the other hand, a' a fully rounded hu'an being #ith
a degree fro' the uni(ersity of life, a diplo'a fro' the
school of hard knocks, and three gold stars fro' the
kindergarten of getting the shit kicked out of 'e. .y
instincts lead 'e to deduce that #e are at last about to
go o(er the top. [peers o(er the top of the trench #ith a
periscope!
George" Great cott sir, you 'ean, you 'ean the 'o'ent&s finally
arri(ed for us to gi(e 7arry 7un a darned good British
style thrashing, si, of the best, trousers do#n$
Blackadder" %f you 'ean, *Are #e all going to get killed$* +es.
Clearly, Field .arshal 7aig is about to 'ake yet another
gargantuan effort to 'o(e his drinks cabinet si, inches
closer to Berlin.
George" 8ight9 Bra(o-issi'o9 )ell let&s 'ake a start eh, up and
o(er to glory, last one in Berlin&s a rotten egg.
Blackadder" Gi(e 'e your hel'et, lieutenant.
[George hands his hel'et to Blackadder, #ho thro#s it up
into the sky. %''ediately hea(y 'achine-gun fire is heard.
7e catches the hel'et, #hich no# has o(er :; holes in it,
and gi(es it back to George.!
George" +es, so'e sort of cle(er hat-ca'ouflage 'ight be in order.
Baldrick" <er'ission to speak sir.
Blackadder" Granted, #ith a due sense of e,haustion and dread.
Baldrick" % ha(e a cunning plan to get us out of getting killed sir.
Blackadder" Ah yes, #hat is it$
Baldrick" Cooking.
Blackadder" % see. [enters the dugout again!
Baldrick" +ou kno# staff 7= is al#ays on the lookout for good cooks$
)ell, #e go o(er there, #e cook &e' so'ething, and get out
of the trenches that #ay.
Blackadder" Baldrick, it&s a brilliant plan.
Baldrick" %s it$
Blackadder" +es, it&s superb.
Baldrick" [delighted! <er'ission to #rite ho'e i''ediately sir, this
is the first brilliant plan a Baldrick&s e(er had9 For
centuries #e&(e tried, and they&(e al#ays turned out to be
total pig-s#ill. .y 'other #ill be as pleased as <unch.
Blackadder" 7'-h', if only she #ere as good-looking as <unch,
Baldrick. There is ho#e(er one slight fla# in the plan.
Baldrick" Oh$
Blackadder" +ou&re the #orst cook in the entire #orld.
Baldrick" Oh yeah, that&s right.
Blackadder" There are a'oeba on aturn #ho can boil a better egg than
you. +our Filet .ignon in sauce Bernaise look like
dog-turds in glue.
Baldrick" That&s because they are.
Blackadder" +our plu'-duff tastes like it&s a 'olehill decorated #ith
rabbit-droppings.
Baldrick" % thought you #ouldn&t notice.
Blackadder" +our crea' custard has the te,ture of cat&s (o'it.
Baldrick" Again it&s.....
Blackadder" %f you #ere to ser(e one of your 'eals in staff 7= you&d
be arrested for the greatest 'ass poisoning since /ucretia
Borgia in(ited >;; of her close friends around for a
#ine-and-anthra, party. 5o, #e&ll ha(e to think of a
better plan than that.
Baldrick" 8ight, ho# about a nice 'eal, #hile you che# it o(er$
Blackadder" [suspicious! )hat&s on the 'enu$
Baldrick" 8at. [sho#s hi' a big black rat! aute or fricassee.
Blackadder" [peers at the rat! Oh, the agony of choice. aute
in(ol(es...$
Baldrick" )ell, you take the freshly sha(ed rat, and you 'arinade it
in a puddle for a #hile.
Blackadder" 7'', for ho# long$
Baldrick" ?ntil it&s dro#ned. Then you stretch it out under a hot
light bulb, then you get #ithin dashing distance of the
latrine, and then you scoff it right do#n.
Blackadder" o that&s sauteing, and fricasseeing$
Baldrick" E,actly the sa'e, 4ust a slightly bigger rat.
Blackadder" )ell, call 'e Old .r. ?n-ad(enturous but % think %&ll gi(e
it a 'iss this once.
[George enters, #earing a ne# hat decorated #ith
barbed-#ire.!
Baldrick" Fair enough sir, 'ore for the rest of us.
[to George! Eh sir$
George" Absolutely, <ri(ate. Tally-ho BA8F BA8F.
[The telephone rings, Blackadder picks it up.!
Blackadder" 7ello, the a(oy Grill. Oh, it&s you..... yes..... yes,
%&ll be o(er in @; 'inutes.
Baldrick" )ho #as it then sir$
Blackadder" trangely enough Baldrick, it #as <ope Gregory %A,
in(iting 'e for drinks aboard his stea'-yacht *The aucy
ue*, currently #intering in .ontego Bay #ith the England
Cricket tea' and the Balinese goddess of plenty.
Baldrick" 8eally$
Blackadder" 5o, not really. %&' ordered to 7=. 5o doubt that idiot
General .elchett is about to offer 'e so'e attracti(e ne#
opportunities to ha(e 'y brains blo#n out for Britain.
---------------
[At staff 7=. 6arling is at his desk #riting2 Blackadder enters.!
Blackadder" )hat do you #ant, 6arling$
6arling" %t&s Captain 6arling to you. General .elchett #ants to see
you about a highly i'portant secret 'ission.
.elchett" [enters! )hat&s going on, 6arling$
6arling" Captain Blackadder to see you sir.
.elchett" Ah, e,cellent. Bust a short back and sides today % think,
please.
6arling" Er, that&s Corporal Black, sir. Captain Blackadder is here
about the other 'atter sir, the [lo#ers his (oice! secret
'atter.
.elchett" Ah, yes, the special 'ission. At ease Blackadder. 5o#,
#hat %&' about to tell you is absolutely tip-top-secret,
is that clear$
Blackadder" %t is sir.
.elchett" 5o#, %&(e co'piled a list of those #ith security
clearance, ha(e you got it 6arling$
6arling" +es sir.
.elchett" 8ead it please.
6arling" %t&s top security sir, % think that&s all the Captain
needs to kno#.
.elchett" 5onsense9 /et&s hear the list in full9
6arling" Cery #ell sir. */ist of personnel cleared for 'ission
Gainsborough, as dictated by General C. 7. .elchett" +ou
and 'e, 6arling, ob(iously. Field .arshal 7aig, Field
.arshal 7aig&s #ife, all Field .arshal 7aig&s #ife&s
friends, their fa'ilies, their fa'ilies& ser(ants, their
fa'ilies& ser(ants& tennis partners, and so'e chap %
bu'ped into the 'ess the other day called Bernard.*
.elchett" o, it&s 'a,i'u' security, is that clear$
Blackadder" =uite so sir, only 'yself and the rest of the English
speaking #orld is to kno#.
.elchett" Good 'an. 5o#, Field .arshal 7aig has for'ulated a
brilliant ne# tactical plan to ensure final (ictory in the
field. [they gather around a 'odel of the battlefield!
Blackadder" 5o#, #ould this brilliant plan in(ol(e us cli'bing out of
our trenches and #alking slo#ly to#ards the ene'y sir$
6arling" 7o# can you possibly kno# that Blackadder$ %t&s classified
infor'ation.
Blackadder" %t&s the sa'e plan that #e used last ti'e, and the
se(enteen ti'es before that.
.elchett" E-E-E,actly9 And that is #hat so brilliant about it9 )e
#ill catch the #atchful 7un totally off guard9 6oing
precisely #hat #e ha(e done eighteen ti'es before is
e,actly the last thing they&ll e,pect us to do this ti'e9
There is ho#e(er one s'all proble'.
Blackadder" That e(eryone al#ays gets slaughtered the first ten
seconds.
.elchett" That&s right9 And Field .arshal 7aig is #orried that this
'ay be depressing the 'en a tadge. o, he&s looking to
find a #ay to cheer the' up.
Blackadder" )ell, his resignation and suicide #ould see' the ob(ious
solution.
.elchett" %nteresting thought. .ake a note of it, 6arling9 Take a
look at this" *0ing 1 Country*.
Blackadder" Ah, yes, #ithout Duestion 'y fa(ourite 'aga3ine2 soft,
strong and thoroughly absorbent.
.elchett" Top-hole Blackadder, % thought it #ould be right up your
alley. 5o#, Field .arshal 7aig&s plan is this2 to
co''ission a 'an to do an especially stirring painting for
the co(er of the ne,t issue, so as to really inspire the
'en for the final push. )hat % #ant you to do, Blackadder,
is to labour night and day to find a first rate artist
fro' a'ongst your 'en.
Blackadder" %'possible sir. % kno# fro' long e,perience that 'y 'en
ha(e all the artistic talent of a cluster of colourblind
hedgehogs... in a bag.
.elchett" 7', #ell that&s a bit of a blo#. )e needed a 'an to lea(e
the trenches i''ediately.
Blackadder" /ea(e the trenches$
.elchett" +es.
Blackadder" +es, % #onder if you&(e en4oyed, as % ha(e sir, that
'ar(ellous painting in the 5ational <ortrait Gallery, *Bag
%nterior*, by the colourblind hedgehog #orkshop of ienna.
6arling" %&' sorry, are you saying you can find this 'an$
Blackadder" % think % can. And 'ight % suggest sir that ha(ing left
the trenches, it 'ight be a good idea to post our 'an to
<aris [points on .elchett&s 'ap!, in order to soak up a
little of the artistic at'osphere. <erhaps e(en Tahiti
[points!, so as to produce a real 'asterpiece.
.elchett" +es, yes, but can you find the 'an$9
Blackadder" 5o# % kno# % can sir. Before you say *unflo#ers* %&ll
ha(e Cincent (an Gogh standing before you.
---------------
[Back in the trenches. Blackadder is painting, George is looking o(er his
shoulder.!
George" 5o, don&t stop sir. %t&s co'ing, it&s definitely co'ing.
%, h', yeah, ah, er, h'. % 4ust #onder if t#o socks and a
hand-grenade is really the sort of thing that co(ers of
*0ing 1 Country* are 'ade of.
Blackadder" They #ill be #hen % painted the' being sho(ed up the
0aiser&s backside.
[George #alks o(er to Baldrick.!
George" Ah, no#, no# this is interesting.
Blackadder" )hat is$
George" )ell, <ri(ate Baldrick is ob(iously so'e kind of an
i'pressionist.
Blackadder" The only i'pression he can do is of a 'an #ith no talent.
)hat&s it called Baldrick$ *The Co'iting Ca(alier*$
George" That&s not supposed to be (o'it2 it&s dabs of light.
Baldrick" 5o, it&s (o'it.
George" +es, no# er, #hy did you choose that$
Baldrick" +ou told 'e to sir.
George" 6id %$
Baldrick" +eah, you told 'e to paint #hate(er co'es fro' #ithin, so
% did 'y breakfast. /ook, there&s a little to'ato.
Blackadder" 7opeless. %f only %&d paid attention in nursery art-class
instead of spending 'y entire ti'e 'anufacturing
papier-'ache #illies to frighten arah )allis.
George" +ou kno# it&s funny, but painting #as the only thing % #as
e(er any good at.
Blackadder" )ell, it&s a pity you didn&t keep it up.
George" )ell, as a 'atter of fact % did, actually. % 'ean [takes
out pictures! % 'ean nor'ally % hadn&t thought % #ould
sho# the' to anyone, because they&re 4ust e'barrassing
daubs really, but you kno#, ah, they gi(e 'e pleasure. %&'
e'barrassed to sho# the' to you no# as it happens, but
there you go, for #hat they&re #orth. To be honest, %
should ha(e 'y hands cut off, % 'ean...
Blackadder" George9 These are brilliant9 )hy didn&t you tell us about
these before$
George" )ell you kno#, one doesn&t #ant to blo# one&s o#n tru'pet.
Blackadder" +ou 'ight at least ha(e told us you had a tru'pet. These
paintings could spell 'y #ay out of the trenches.
George" +ours$
Blackadder" That&s right, ours. All you ha(e to do is paint so'ething
heroic to appeal to the si'ple-'inded To''y. O(er to you
Baldrick.
Baldrick" 7o# about a noble To''y, standing #ith a look of horror
and disgust o(er the body of a 'urdered nun, #hat&s been
done o(er by a nasty old Ger'an.
George" E,cellent. %, % can see it no#2 *The 5un and the 7un*.
Blackadder" Brilliant9 5o ti'e to lose. George, set up your easel,
Baldrick and % #ill pose. This is going to be art&s
greatest 'o'ent since .ona /isa sat do#n and told /eonardo
da Cinci she #as in a slightly odd 'ood. Baldrick, you lie
do#n in the 'ud and be the nun.
Baldrick" %&' not lying do#n there, it&s all #et.
Blackadder" )ell, let&s put it this #ay2 either you lie do#n and get
#et, or you&re knocked do#n and get a broken nose.
Baldrick" Actually it&s not that #et, is it$
Blackadder" 5o. [pushes Baldrick do#n, splat!
Baldrick" )ho are you going to be then sir$ The noble To''y$
Blackadder" <recisely, standing o(er the body of the ra(aged nun.
Baldrick" % #ant a #i'ple.
Blackadder" +ou should ha(e gone before #e started the picture.
Baldrick" +ou kno#, the funny thing is, 'y father #as a nun.
Blackadder" [fir'ly! 5o he #asn&t.
Baldrick" 7e #as so, sir. % kno#, &cos #hene(er he #as up in court,
and the 4udge used to say *occupation*, he&d say *nun*.
[George enters, dressed in painter&s s'ock and hat,
carrying a palette and easel.!
Blackadder" 8ight. [to George! +ou&re ready$
George" Bust about sir, yes. Er', if you 4ust like to pop your
clothes on the stool.
Blackadder" %&' sorry$
George" Bust pop your clothes on the stool o(er there.
Blackadder" +ou 'ean, you #ant 'e... tackle out$
George" )ell, % #ould prefer so sir, yes.
Blackadder" %f % can re'ind you of the realities of battle George, one
of the first things that e(eryone notices is that all the
protagonists ha(e got their clothes on. 5either #e, nor
the 7un, fa(our fighting our battles *au naturel*.
George" ir, it&s artistic licence. %t&s #illing suspension of
disbelief.
Blackadder" )ell, %&' not ha(ing anyone staring in disbelief at 'y
#illie suspension. 5o#, get on and paint the bloody thing,
sharpish9
---------------
[/ater. The painting is ready.!
Blackadder" Brilliant George, it&s a 'asterpiece. The #i'ple suits you
Baldrick.
Baldrick" But it co'pletely co(ers 'y face.
Blackadder" E,actly. 5o# then, General .elchett #ill be here at any
'o'ent. )hen he arri(es, lea(e the talking to 'e, all
right$ % like to keep an infor'al trench, as you kno#, but
today you 'ust only speak #ith 'y e,press per'ission, is
that clear$ [sharply! %s that clear$
[)ith a note of regret! <er'ission to speak.
George" E +es sir, absolutely.
Baldrick" F +es sir.
6arling" [outside! Attention9 [entering! 6ugout, attention9
[.elchett enters.!
.elchett" E,cellent, at ease. 5o# then Blackadder, #here #ould you
like 'e to sit$ % thought 4ust a si'ple tri' of the
'oustache today, nothing drastic.
6arling" )e&re here about the painting sir.
.elchett" Oh, yes, of course. [seeing George! Good /ord, George,
hahahaaa, ho# are you 'y boy$ [nothing! % said ho# are
you$
Blackadder" <er'ission to speak.
George" Absolutely top-hole sir, #ith a ying and a yang and a
yippetty-doo.
.elchett" plendid9 And your uncle Bertie sends his regards. % told
hi' you could ha(e a #eek off in April2 #e don&t #ant you
'issing the Boat 8ace, do #e$
Blackadder" <er'ission to speak.
George" Certainly not. <er'ission to sing boisterously sir$
Blackadder" %f you 'ust.
George" 8o#, ro#, ro# your boat,
.elchett" [4oins in! gently do#n the strea'. Belts off, trousers
do#n, isn&t life a screa'. 7A%9
Blackadder" Fabulous, uni(ersity education, you can&t beat it.
.elchett" Bra(o, no# ['o(ing on to Baldrick! #hat ha(e #e here$
5a'e$
Blackadder" <er'ission to speak.
Baldrick" Baldrick, sir.
.elchett" Ah, tally-ho, yippety-dip, and 3ing 3ang spillip. /ooking
for#ard to bullying off for the final chukka$
Blackadder" <er'ission to speak.
[ilence.!
Blackadder" Ans#er the General Baldrick.
Baldrick" % can&t ans#er hi' sir, % don&t kno# #hat he&s talking
about.
.elchett" Aah, are you looking for#ard to the big push$ [pinches
Baldrick&s cheek!
Baldrick" 5o sir, %&' absolutely terrified. [pinces .elcett&s!
.elchett" The healthy hu'our of the honest To''y. 7ahaaa, don&t
#orry 'y boy, if you should falter, re'e'ber that Captain
6arling and % are behind you.
Blackadder" About thirty-fi(e 'iles behind you.
.elchett" 8ight, #ell stand by your beds. /et&s ha(e a look at this
artist of yours, Blackadder. 5e,t to 'e, 6arling.
6arling" Thank you sir. [sits do#n ne,t to .elchett!
.elchett" o, ah, ha(e you found so'eone$
Blackadder" +es sir, % think % ha(e2 none other than young George
here.
.elchett" Oh, bra(o. )ell, let&s ha(e a shufti then.
Blackadder" This is called *)ar*. [sho#s his o#n painting!
.elchett" 6a'n silly title George. /ooks 'ore like a couple of his
socks and a stick of pineapple to 'e.
George" Ah, per'ission to speak sir$9
Blackadder" Er, % think not actually.
.elchett" =uite right, if #hat happens #hen you open your 'outh is
anything like #hat happens #hen you open your paintbo,,
#e&d all be drenched in phleg'. Oh no, this isn&t #hat
#e&re looking for at all, is it 6arling$
6arling" 5o sir.
.elchett" 5o sir9
Blackadder" There is this sir, it&s <ri(ate Baldrick&s, [sho#s
painting! he&s called it *.y fa'ily and other ani'als*.
.elchett" Oh, good /ord no.
Blackadder" )ell, %&' afraid that&s about it sir. Apart fro' ... this
little thing. [sho# George&s painting!
.elchett" Ah, no#, that&s 'ore like it9
6arling" )ho painted this Blackadder$
Blackadder" )ell actually it #as 'e.
George" <er'ission to speak, really Duite urgently sir9
.elchett" 6a'n and blast your goggly eyes9 )ill you stop
interrupting, George9 5o#, this is e,cellent9 [shakes
Blackadder&s hand! Congratulations 'an9 %t&s totally
inspiring, 'akes you #ant to 4u'p o(er the top and yell
*+ah-boo sucks to you, Fritsie*.
Blackadder" Thank you sir.
6arling" Are you sure you did this, Blackadder$
Blackadder" Of course %&' sure.
6arling" %&' afraid % don&t belie(e you.
Blackadder" 7o# dare you 6arling9$ [to .elchett! +ou kno# % can&t let
that slur pass, sir... )hat possible lo#, suspicious,
slanderous reasons could this *office-boy* ha(e to think
that % didn&t paint the picture$
6arling" )ell, three reasons as a 'atter of fact. Firstly" you&re
in it.
Blackadder" %t&s a self-portrait.
6arling" econdly" you told us you couldn&t paint.
Blackadder" )ell, one doesn&t #ant to blo# one&s o#n tru'pet.
George" <er'ission...
Blackadder" 6enied.
6arling" And thirdly" it&s signed *George*.
Blackadder" [#alks o(er to painting, looks closely at corner! )ell
spotted. But not signed *George*, dedicated *to George*,
0ing George. Gentle'en2 The 0ing9
All" [snapping to attention! The 0ing9
Baldrick" )here$
.elchett" Bra(o Blackadder, % ha(e absolutely no hesitation in
appointing you our official regi'ental artist. +ou&re a
da'n fine chap, not a pen-pushing, desk-sucking,
blotter-4otter like 6arling here, eh 6arling$
6arling" 5o sir.
.elchett" 5o sir9 )ell, acco'pany us back to 7= i''ediately.
6arling" Attention9
[.elchett and 6arling e,it.!
George" <er'ission to 4olly #ell speak right no# sir, other#ise %
'ight 4ust burst like a bally balloon.
Blackadder" /ater George. .uch later.
---------------
[At 7eadDuarters.!
.elchett" Congratulations on your ne# appoint'ent, Blackadder.
Blackadder" Thank you sir.
6arling" And 'ay % say Blackadder, %&' particularly pleased about
it.
Blackadder" Are you.
6arling" [s'ugly! Oh yes.
.elchett" 5o# that you are our official #ar-artist, #e can gi(e you
the full briefing. The fact is, Blackadder, that the *0ing
1 Country* co(er story #as 4ust a... co(er story. )e #ant
you, as our top painting bod, to lea(e the trenches...
Blackadder" Good.
.elchett" Tonight...
Blackadder" uits 'e.
.elchett" And go out into no-'an&s-land.
Blackadder" 5o-'an&s-land.
.elchett" +eeeeeees.
Blackadder" 5ot <aris.
.elchett and 6arling"
5oooooooo.
.elchett" )e #ant you to co'e back #ith accurate dra#ings of the
ene'y positions.
Blackadder" +ou #ant 'e to sit in no-'an&s-land, painting pictures of
the Ger'ans.
.elchett" <recisely9 Good 'an9
Blackadder" )ell, it&s a (ery attracti(e proposition, gentle'en, but
unfortunately not practical. +ou see, 'y 'ediu' is light.
%t&ll be pitch dark2 % #on&t be able to see a thing.
.elchett" Ah, h', that is a point. % tell you #hat" #e&ll send up a
couple of flares. +ou&ll be lit up like a Christ'as tree.
Blackadder" Oh, e,cellent, e,cellent, glad % checked.
---------------
[Blackadder, Baldrick and George cra#ling across no-'an&s-land.!
Blackadder" All right, total and utter Duiet, do you understand$ o
for instance if any of us cra#l o(er any barbed #ire they
'ust on no account goaaAAAAAAAAAA779
Baldrick" 7a(e you 4ust cra#led o(er so'e barbed #ire sir$
Blackadder" 5o Baldrick, % 4ust put 'y elbo# in a blob of ice crea'.
Baldrick" Oh, that&s all right then.
Blackadder" 5o#, #here the hell are #e$
George" )ell, it&s difficult to say, #e appear to ha(e cra#led
into an area 'arked #ith 'ushroo's.
Blackadder" [patiently! )hat do those sy'bols denote$
George" <fff. That #e&re in a field of 'ushroo's$
Blackadder" /ieutenant, that is a 'ilitary 'ap, it is unlikely to list
interesting flora and fungi. /ook at the key and you&ll
disco(er that those 'ushroo's aren&t for picking.
George" Good /ord, you&re Duite right sir, it says *'ine*. o,
these 'ushroo's 'ust belong to the 'an #ho 'ade the 'ap.
Blackadder" Either that, or #e&re in the 'iddle of a 'ine-field.
Baldrick" Oh dear.
George" o, he o#ns the field as #ell$
[.achine-guns fire.!
George" [yelling! T7E+&8E F%8%5G %8, T7E+&8E F%8%5G.
[The guns stop.!
Blackadder" Ah yes, thank you /ieutenant. %f they hit 'e you&ll be
sure to point it out, #on&t you. 5o# co'e on, get on #ith
your dra#ing and let&s get out of here.
George" )ell, surely #e ought to #ait for the flare sir$ +ou see,
'y 'ediu' is light.
Blackadder" Bust use your i'agination for hea(ens sake. [thinks! )ait
a 'inute, that&s the ans#er. % can&t belie(e %&(e been so
stupid.
Baldrick" +eah, that is unusual, &cos usually %&' the stupid one.
George" )ell, %&' not o(er-furnished in the brain depart'ent.
Blackadder" )ell, on this occasion %&(e been stupidest of all.
George" Oh, no# sir9 % #ill not ha(e that9 Baldrick and % #ill
al#ays be 'ore stupid than you. %sn&t that right Baldrick$
[standing up! tupid, stupid, stupid.
Baldrick" +eah, [standing up also! stupidy, stupidy, stupidy.
[Flares are fired, lighting up George and Baldrick.
Blackadder co#ers on the ground.!
George" tupidest stupids in the #hole history of stupidityness.
[.achine-gun fire2 Baldrick and George 4u'p do#n2 the guns
stop.!
Blackadder" Finished$ % think the ob(ious point is this" #e&ll go
straight out to the dugout and do the painting fro' there.
+ou do the 'ost i'aginati(e, 'ost e,citing possible dra#ing
of Ger'an defences fro' your i'agination.
George" Oh % see, no# that is a challenge.
Blackadder" =uite. Co'e on, let&s get out of here.
George" Oh sir, 4ust one thing. %f #e should happen to tread on a
'ine, #hat do #e do$
Blackadder" )ell, nor'al procedure, /ieutenant, is to 4u'p :;; feet
into the air and scatter yourself o(er a #ide area.
---------------
[Back at 7eadDuarters.!
6arling" Are you sure this is #hat you sa# Blackadder$
Blackadder" Absolutely. % 'ean there 'ay ha(e been a fe# 'ore ar'a'ent
factories, and [looks side#ays at George! not Duite as
'any elephants, but...
.elchett" )ell, you kno# #hat this 'eans...
6arling" %f it&s true sir, #e&ll ha(e to cancel the push.
.elchett" E,actly....
George" 6a'n9
Blackadder" )hat a nuisance...
.elchett" ...E,actly #hat the ene'y #ould e,pect us to do, and
therefore e,actly #hat #e shan&t do9
Blackadder" Ah.
.elchett" 5o#, if #e attack #here the line is strongest, then Frit3
#ill think that our reconnaissance is a total sha'bles.
This #ill lull hi' into a sense of false security, and
then ne,t #eek #e can attack #here the line is actually
badly defended. And #in the greatest (ictory since the
)inchester flo#er-arranging tea' beat 7arro# by t#el(e
sore botto's to one9
Blackadder" Tell 'e, ha(e you e(er (isited the planet Earth, sir$
.elchett" o, best fighting trousers on, Blackadder9
George" <er'ission to shout *Bra(o* at an annoyingly loud (olu'e
sir$
.elchett" <er'ission granted.
George" [annoyingly loud (olu'e! B8ACO9999999999
.elchett" That&s the spirit. Bust your kind of caper eheh,
Blackadder$
Blackadder" Oh yes.
6arling" Good luck against those elephants...
[Blackadder and George salute and lea(e.!
---------------
[%n the dugout.!
Blackadder" Get 'e a chisel and so'e 'arble Baldrick.
George" Oh, you&re taking up sculpture no# sir$
Blackadder" 5o, % thought %&d get 'y headstone done.
George" )hat are you going to put on it$
Blackadder" *7ere lies Ed'und Blackadder, and he&s bloody annoyed.*
Baldrick" Are #e goin& o(er, are #e sir$
Blackadder" +es, #e are. ?nless % can think of so'e brilliant plan.
Baldrick" )ould you like so'e *rat-au-(an* to help you think$ [sho#s
Blackadder a tin plate #ith a (ery flat rat on it!
Blackadder" *8at-au-(in*$
Baldrick" +eah, it&s rat that&s been...
Blackadder" [4oins in! ..run o(er by a (an. 5o thank you Baldrick.
Although it gi(es 'e an idea. Telephone please.
---------------
[7eadDuarters, later that night. .elchett and 6arling are dining.!
6arling" % suppose Blackadder and his boys #ill ha(e gone o(er the
top by no#.
.elchett" +es. God, % #ish % #ere out there #ith the', dodging the
bullets, instead of ha(ing to sit here drinking this
chateau /afite, eating these Filets .ignon in sauce
Bernaise.
6arling" .y thoughts e,actly sir. 6a'n this Chateau /afite.
.elchett" 7e&s a (ery bra(e 'an, Blackadder. And of course that
/ieutenant of his, George, Ca'bridge 'an you kno#. 7is
uncle Bertie and % used to break #ind for our college.
lightly unusual taste, this sauce Bernaise...
6arling" +es sir, and to be Duite frank, these 'ignon are a
little... #ell...
.elchett" )hat$
6arling" )ell, dungy.
.elchett" )hat on earth&s #rong #ith our cook$
6arling" )ell, it&s a rather strange story sir.
.elchett" Oh$ Tell, tell.
6arling" )ell sir, % recei(ed a phonecall this afternoon fro' <ope
Gregory %A, telling 'e that our cook had been selected for
the England Cricket tea' and 'ust set sail for the )est
%ndies i''ediately.
.elchett" 8eally$
6arling" Then a 'o'ent later, the phone rang again. %t #as a trio of
#andering %talian chefs, #ho happened to be in the area,
offering their ser(ices. o % had the Duarter'aster take
the' on at once.
.elchett" Ah, h', 7', 7. , Ah, Oh, O799 Bu'ping giblets9 Are you
sure these are real raisins in this plu'-duff$
6arling" Oh yes, %&' sure they are sir. E(erything #ill be alright,
once the crea' custard arri(es.
---------------
[Back in the dugout. Blackadder, George and Baldrick enter, #earing cooks&
aprons and huge black false 'oustaches. Baldrick is carrying a 4ug and a
s'all kitten.!
George" )ell all 4olly good fun sir. But dash it all, #e appear to
ha(e 'issed the big push.
Blackadder" Oh da'n, so #e ha(e. One thing pu33les 'e Baldrick2 ho# did
you 'anage to get so 'uch custard out of such a s'all cat$
---------------
B / A C 0 A 6 6 E 8
G O E F O 8 T 7
Captain Ed'und Blackadder
8O)A5 AT0%5O5
<ri(ate . Baldrick
TO5+ 8OB%5O5
General ir Anthony Cecil
7og'anay .elchett
TE<7E5 F8+
/ieutenant The 7onourable
George Colhurst t. Barleigh
7?G7 /A?8%E
Captain 0e(in 6arling
T%. .c%55E8+
Title .usic
Co'posed and Arranged by
7O)A86 GOO6A//
<layed by
The Band of the Grd Battalion
The 8oyal Anglian 8egi'ent
HThe <o'padoursI
Band'aster
)O% T%. <A80%5O5
<FB8. J@KLML /ibotte, B
CisFE. NN;N@G Turner, 8
TechFCo. GJ@;;K .assen, 6
CF. @:;GK: Abbott, C
CTE. JN@LMN )ads#orth, C
C'F. M@NM@: 7oare, B
F(r. KGGKGN 6eane, .
6epF(r. KNG@:L )ay, 5
/F6r. LMM:N: Bristo#, 8
<F.gr. G:G@KJ Cooper, 6
<FAtt. NN@:;L harples, C
AF. >:LJN@ 0ennedy, B
CF6gr. GJMM;K 7ardinge, A
.FC 6gr. M:J@N 5oble, C
6gr. @;@GKN 7ull, C
6ir. :G:@NM Boden, 8
<rod. >LKJ;: /loyd, B
HcI BBC TC .C./AAA%A
Black Adder Goes Forth, Episode T#o
Corporal <unish'ent
Hin BA&s Duarters2 Ed'und is on the phoneI
Ed'und" +ou&d like to book a table for three by the #indo# for L.G; <.,
not too near the band, in the na'e of Obel-oint'ent Fungentula.
+es, yes, % think you 'ight ha(e the #rong nu'ber. Alright.
Hhangs up2 enter GeorgeI
George" 8ather close line there, eh sir$ That phone syste' is a sha'bles
no #onder #e ha(en&t had any orders9
Ed'und" Oh, on the contrary, George, #e&(e had plenty of orders. )e ha(e
orders for si, 'eters of 7ungarian crushed (el(et curtain 'aterial,
four rock sal'on and a ha&pence of chips and a cab for a .r. 8edgra(e
picking up fro' N@ Arnost Gro(e 8aintop Bell.
George" 8ather #e don&t #ant those sort of orders, #e #ant orders to 6eck Old
Glory. )hen are #e going to gi(e Frit3 a taste of our British spunk$
Ed'und" George, please. 5o one is 'ore an,ious to ad(ance than % a', but until
% get these co''unication proble's sorted out, %&' afraid #e&re stuck.
Hphone ringsI Captain Blackadder speaking.....no, %&' afraid the line&s
(ery cclllffffhhtttt9
6arling" 7ello$ 7ello, Captain Blackadder, hello$
Ha Ger'an accent pops up2 really Ed'und. 7e rustles paper, pretending the re-
ception&s lousy.I
Ed'und" chenll, schenll, 6ie 0oppeltop, % said, there&s a terrible line at 'y
end. +ou are to ad(ance on the ene'y at once. Hputs on a recordI
*A #andering 'instral eye in the...Hrecord goes off, Ed'und speaksI
..on Gail Force Eight.
George" % say, co'e on, sir, #hat&s the 'essage$ %&' on tenderhooks, do tell9
Ed'und" )ell, as far as % can tell, the 'essage #as, *he&s got a terrible lion
up his end, so there&s an ad(antage to an ene'a at once.*
George" 6a'n9
Henter BaldrickI
Baldrick" .essage fro' 7=, sir.
George" Ah, no#, this should be it. A telegra' ordering an ad(ance9
Ed'und" ?''' yes, %&' afraid not, George, it is a telegra', it is ordering
an ad(ance, but it see's to be addressed to &Catpain Blackudder&. 6o
you kno# a &Catpain Blackudder&, George$
George" )ell, it rings a bell, but %..
Ed'und" Ouhh.....nope, 'e neither. Hthro#s 'essage a#ayI
George" Oh #ell.
Ed'und" Go a#ay George, %&' sure if they #ant to contact us, they&ll find a
#ay.
Baldrick" peaking, sir, speaking, there&s a pigeon in our trench9
George" Ah, no#, this&ll be it9 Hgoes outsideI +es, it&s one of the 0ing&s
carrier pigeons.
Hall go outsideI
Baldrick" 5o, it isn&t, that pigeon couldn&t carry the 0ing9 7asn&t got a
tray or anything.
Ed'und" 7ands, re(ol(er please.
George" Oh no#, sir, you really shouldn&t do this you kno#9
Ed'und" Co'e on George, #ith >;,;;; 'en getting killed a #eek #ho&s going to
'iss a pigeon$ Hshoots the pigeon deadI
George" )ell, not you, ob(iously, sir.
Ed'und" %n any case, its&s scarcely a court 'artial offence. Get plucking,
Baldrick.
Baldrick" Alright, sir. /ook, it&s got a little ring &round it&s leg, there&s
a no(elity9
George" Oh really, is there a paper hat as #ell$
Baldrick" 5o, but there&s a 4oke. 8ead it out, sir.
George" %t&s a bit charred. o'ething so'ething at once..<, due to co''uni-
cation crisis, the shooting of carrier pigeons is no# a court-'artial
offence. % don&t see #hat&s so funny about that, sir.
Ed'und" That&s not funny, it&s deadly serious, #e&re in trouble. o, % shall
eat the e(idence for lunch and if anyone asks you any Duestions at all,
#e didn&t recei(e any 'essages and #e definitely did not shoot this
plu'p breasted pigeon.
Hat BA&s Duarters...Ed'und 4ust had the pigeon for lunch.I
Ed'und" ?''..delicious.
Henter .elchett and 6arlingI
.elchett" Eahy, Blackadder9
6arling" Attention9
.elchett" And #hy, Captain, are you not ad(ancing across 5o .an&s /and$
Ed'und" )ell, sir, call 'e a bluffo traditionalist, but % #as al#ays taught to
#ait for the order to attack before attacking.
.elchett" Are you trying to tell 'e you ha(en&t recei(ed any orders$ )hat the
hell are you playing at, 6arling$
6arling" That&s a flagrant lie, sir. % spoke to Blackadder less than an hour
ago.
Ed'und" +es you did. To tell 'e so'e gobbledygook about ha(ing a lion up your
botto'.
.elchett" ?''...% thought it&s the old co''unications proble' again. tand easy.
Action on this is i'perati(e, take that do#n, 6arling.
6arling" +es.
use it 'ore often in con(ersation.
6arling" % 'ust say sir, % find this all (ery unlikely. 5ot only did % tele-
phone Blackadder, but as you&ll recall, #e sent hi' a telegra' and
a carrier pigeon.
Ed'und" 6id you$
6arling" Are you telling us you ha(en&t had a pigeon, Blackadder$
Ed'und" Ohaaahhh9
Bi'*, 'y only true lo(e #ho&s been #ith 'e since % #as a nipper9
And to business, %&' gi(ing you your order to ad(ance no#. yncronise
#atches gentle'en. <ri(ate, #hat is the ti'e$
Baldrick" )e didn&t recei(e any 'essages and Captain Blackadder definitely did
not shoot the delicious plu'p breasted pigeon, sir.
.elchett" )7AT$$$$$$$
Ed'und" +ou #ant to be cre'ated, Baldrick or buried at sea$
Baldrick" Hthinking it o(erI ?''....
6arling" /ieutenant$
George" ir.
6arling" 6o you 'ind ans#ering a couple of Duestions$
George" 5ot at all, sir. )e didn&t get any 'essages and Blackadder definitely
did not shoot this delicious plu'p breasted pigeon.
Ed'und" Good.
6arling" And look sir, pigeon feathers. )hite feathers (ery apt, eh Blackadder$
.elchett" )hite feathers$
Baldrick" Oh no, sir, that&s gobblei4uke9 They&re not #hite, they&re sort of
speckly9
.elchett" HshockedI peckly$9 AA777777779 +O? 7OT .+ <EC0/E6 B%.$$$
6arling" +ou&re for it no#, Blackadder. =uite frankly sir, %&(e suspected this
for so'e ti'e. =uite clearly, Captain Blackadder has been disobeying
orders #ith a breathtaking i'pertinence.
.elchett" % don&t care if he&s been #atering the 6uke of +ork #ith a pri3e-
#inning leak9 7e shot 'y pigeon9 Hscrea'sI AAA77 A7777 OOO77779
6arling" Take it easy. % think #e should do this by the book, sir.
.elchett" +es, yes, you&re right, of course. %&' sorry. Attention9
6arling" Hdru's are heard in the backgroundI Captain Blackadder, as of this
'o'ent you 'ay consider yourself under arrest. +ou kno# #hat the
penalty is for disobeying orders, Blackadder$
Ed'und" ?''..court-'artial, follo#ed by i''ediate cessation of chocolate
rations$
6arling" 5o, court-'artial follo#ed by i''ediate death by firing sDuad.
Ed'und" Oh, so % got it half right.
Hat the cellI
<erkins" HEd'und&s guardI adder than a happy hour then, sir$ )a(e all our
last goodbyes.
Ed'und" Oh, no need for that, <erkins, %&ll 4ust dash off a couple of notes,
one asking for a sponge bag, and the other sending for 'y la#yer.
<erkins" Oh, your la#yer no#, yes sir. 6on&t you think that 'ight be a bit
of a #aste of 'oney, sir.
Ed'und" 5ot #hen he&s the finest 'ind in English legal history. E(er heard
of Bob .attingburg$
<erkins" Oh, yes indeed, sir9 A 'ost gifted gentle'an9
Ed'und" % re'e'ber .attingburg&s 'ost fa'ous case, the case of the bloody knife.
A 'an #as found ne,t to a 'urdured body, he had the knife in his hand,
thirteen #itnesses that seen hi' stab the (icti', #hen the police
arri(ed he said, *%&' glad % killed the bastard.* .attingburg not
only got hi' off, but he got hi' knighted in the 5e# +ear&s 7onors
list, and the relati(es of the (icti' had to pay to ha(e the blood
#ashed out of his 4acket.
<erkins" There is a 4ob under the prosecution in(ol(ed, sir.
Ed'und" +es, #ell, look at Oscar )ilde.
<erkins" Oh, butch, Oscar.
Ed'und" A big, bearded, bonking, butch Oscar. The terror of the ladies. NN@
illegita'ate children, #orld hea(y#eight bo,ing cha'pion, and author
of the best-selling pha'plet, *)hy % /ike To 6o %t )ith Girls*.
.attingburg had hi' sent do#n for being a #hoopsie. Henter BaldrickI
Ah, Baldrick. Anything fro' .attingburg yet$
Baldrick" +es, sir. %t 4ust arri(ed, sir.
Ed'und" )hat is it$
Baldrick" ponge bag, sir.
Ed'und" A sponge bag.
Ed'und" Baldrick, % ga(e you t#o notes. +ou sent the note asking for a sponge
bag to the finest 'ind in English legal history.
Baldrick" Certianly did, sir9
Ed'und" And you sent the note reDuesting legal representation to...
Henter GeorgeI
George" )ell, tally-ho, #ith a bing and a bong and a bu33-bu33-bu339 HT7?.<9I
Ed'und" Hdigustingly, as #e&(e all heard beforeI Oh God9
George" %&ll tell you, apart fro' all, sir, that % a' deeply, deeply honored.
Ed'und" Baldrick, %&ll deal you later. A' % to understand that you are going to
represnt 'e at the court-'artial$
George" Absolutly, sir. )ell, it&s a sort of fa'ily tradition, really. .y
uncle&s a la#yer, you kno#.
Ed'und" +our uncle&s a la#yer, but you&re not.
George" Oh, good lord, no. %&' absolute duffer at this sort of thing. %n
school the basing society, % #as (oted the boy least likley to co'plete
a coherent...u'...an oops...yes, any#ay, 'y dear old friend, its an
honor to ser(e.
Ed'und" George, %&' in trouble here. % need to construct thats as #atertight
as a 'er'aid&s brassiere. %&' not sure your particular brand of
'indless opti'is' is going to contribute 'uch to the proceedings.
George" )ell, that&s a sha'e, sir, becarse % #as planning on playing the
'indless opti'isi' card (ery strongly.
Ed'und" % beg your pardon$
George" +es, %&(e already planned 'y closing address based on that (ery thing.
Oh, go on, let hi' off, your honor, please9 %t&s a lo(ely day. <retty
clouds, trees, birds, etc. % rest 'y case.
Ed'und" o, council, #ith that su''ing up in 'ind, #hat do you think 'y chances
are$
George" )ell, not all that good %&' afraid, as far as % can tell you&re as
guilty as a puppy sitting ne,t to a pile of poo.
Ed'und" Ah.
Hin the court roo'2 Ed'und&s trial is taking placeI
George" H#alking inI Crikey9 o sorry %&' late, 'y lu(.
A (oice" &allo.
George" But any#ay, let 'e open up 'y defence straight a#ay, by saying that
%&(e kno#n this 'an for three years, he&s an absolutely ga#king chap.
Ed'und" George$
George" +es, sir$
Ed'und" That&s the clerk of the court.
George" %s it$ Oh9
Ed'und" )e ha(en&t started yet.
Henter 6arlingI
6arling" Good luck, Blackadder.
Ed'und" )ell, thank you, 6arling. And #hat&s your big 4ob here today$
traightening chairs$
6arling" 5o, in fact %&' appearing for the prosecution. % #ouldn&t raise your
hopes too 'uch, you&re guilty as hell, you ha(en&t got a chance.
Ed'und" )hy thank you, 6arling. And % hope your 'other dies in a freak
yachting accident.
6arling" Bust doing 'y 4ob, Blackadder.
Ed'und" Obeying orders, and of course, ha(ing enor'ous fun into the bargain.
% #ouldn&t be too confident if % #ere you, any reasonably i'partial
4udge is bound to let 'e off.
6arling" )ell, absolutely.
Ed'und" )ho is the 4udge, by the #ay$
.elchett" HboldlyI .e9
Ed'und" %&' dead.
.elchett" )ell, co'e on, then. Co'e on. Get this o(er in fi(e 'inutes, and
then #e can ha(e a spot of lunch. Hso'e noise fro' the othersI The
court is no# in session, General ir Anthony Cecil 7og'enay .elchett
in the chair. The case before us is that of the cro#n (s. Captain
Ed'und Blackadder, the flanderous pigeon 'urderer9 Oh, uh hand 'e
the black cap, %&ll be needing that.
Ed'und" % lo(e a fair trial.
.elchett" Anything to say before #e kick off, Captain 6arling$
6arling" .ay it please the court, as this is clearly an open and shut case, %
beg lea(e to bring a pri(ete prosecution against the defence council
for #asting the court&s ti'e.
.elchett" Granted. Council, he is fined fifty pounds for turning up. This is
fun9 This is 4ust like a real court9 Alright9 /et the trial begin9
The chagre before us is that the flanderous pigeon 'urderer did de-
liberately, callously, and #ith beastliness of forethought 'urder a
lo(ely, innocent pigeon. And disobeyed so'e orders as #ell.
%s this true$
George" <erfectly true, sir. % #as there.
Ed'und" Thanks George.
George" Oh, da''it.
.elchett" 8ight. Council for the defence, get on #ith it.
George" Oh, right, yes, right. ?', yes. %&d like to call 'y first #itness
Captain 6arling.
.elchett" +ou #ish to call the council for the prosecution as a defence
#itness$
George" That&s right. HasideI 6on&t #orry, sir, %&(e got it all under control.
+ou are Captain 6arling of the general staff$
6arling" % a'.
George" Captain, lea(ing aside the incident in Duestion, #ould you think of
Captain Blackadder as the sort of 'an that #ould usually ignore orders$
6arling" +es, % #ould.
George" Ah, u'. +ou sure$ % #as rather banking on you saying no.
6arling" %&' sure. %n fact, % ha(e a list of other orders he&s disobeyed,
if it #ould be useful. 5o(e'ber NJth, L"N>a', N;":Ga', N;":@a',
NN"NKa'...
George" +ou 'issed one out, there.
6arling" ...N;"G;a', NN"@Ja'...
Ed'und" George9
George" )hat$ Oh, oh ye-ye-right, yes. Thank you, Captain. 5o further
Duestions.
Ed'und" )ell done, George. +ou really had hi' on the ropes.
George" 6on&t #orry, old 'an. % ha(e a last and % think you&ll find decisi(e
#itness. Call <ri(ate Baldrick.
Ed'und" Hto BaldrickI 6eny e(erything, Baldrick.
George" Are you <ri(ate Baldrick$
Baldrick" 5O9
George" ?', but you are Captain Balckadder&s bat'an$
Baldrick" 5O9
George" Co'e on, Baldrick. Be a bit 'ore helpful, it&s 'e9
Baldrick" 5o it isn&t9
6arling" ir, % 'ust protest9
.elchett" =uite right9 )e don&t need your kind here, <ri(ate. Get out.
u' up, please.
George" Oh, right, yes, uhhhh, oh.....?h, gentle'en, you ha(e heard all the
e(idence presented here today, but in the end it is up to the
conscience of your hearts to decide, and % fir'ly beli(e, that like
'e, you #ill conclude that Captain Blackadder is in fact, totally
and utterly, G?%/T+......of nothing 'ore than trying to do his duty
under difficult circu'stances.
.elchett" 5onsence9 7e&s a hound and a rutter, and he&s going to be shot9
7o#e(er, before #e proceed to the for'ality of sentancing the
deceased, % 'ean the defendant, HlaughsI % think #e&d all rather
en4oy the case of the prosecution. Captain 6arling, if you please.
6arling" ir, 'y case is (ery si'ple. % call 'y first #itness, General ir
Anthony Cecil 7og'aney .elchett.
.elchett" Ah..u''9 Hgoes up to the standI
George" Cle(er, cle(er.
6arling" General, did you o#n a lo(ely, plu'p, speckily pigeon called peckled
Bi', #hich you hand reared fro' a chick and #hich #as your only
childhood friend$
.elchett" HhystericalI +es9 Hcal'erI +es, % did.
6arling" And did Captain Blackadder shoot the afore'entioned pigeon$
.elchett" +es, he did9
6arling" HshoutsI Can you see Captain Blackadder any#here in this courtroo'$
.elchett" Ho(er#rought, pointing his finger at Ed'undI +E, T7AT& 7%.999
T7AT& T7E .A599999 AA77777 AAAA77777799999
6arling" 5o 'ore Duestions, sir.
.elchett" Cery good, e,cellent, first class. Carry on. % therefore ha(e ab-
solutely no hesitation in announcing that the sentence of this
court is" that you Captain Ed'und Blackadder be taken fro' this
place and shot to death by shooting to''orro# at da#n. Hbangs
ga(elI. 6o you ha(e anything to say$
Ed'und" +es, can % ha(e an alar' call, please$
Hat the cellI
<erkins" o'eone to see the Captain$
Ed'und" )hat does he look like$
<erkins" hort, ugly...
Ed'und" 7ello Baldrick.
Baldrick" % brought you so'e food, sir, for your final breakfast to''orro#.
Ed'und" Ah, so you&re not pinning 'uch hope on a last 'inute reprie(e then.
Baldrick" 5o sir, you are as dead as so'e doo-doos.
Ed'und" The e,pression, Baldrick, is &as a do-do&. &6ead as a do-do&.
<erkins" )ell, %&ll lea(e you to it then, shall %$ Hlea(esI
Baldrick" 6o not despair, sir. All 'y talk of food #as 4sut a dead herring.
%n fact, % ha(e a cunning plan. This is not food, but an escape
kit.
Ed'und" Good /ord9 A sa#, a ha''er, a chisel, a gun, a change of clothes,
a #iss passport, and a huge false 'oustache, % 'ay 4ust stand a
chance.
Baldrick" Ah....
Ed'und" /et&s see, #hat ha(e #e here$ A s'all painted #ooden duck.
Baldrick" +eah, % thought if you get caught near #ater, you can balance
it on the top of your head as a brillaint disguise.
Ed'und" +eeeesss, % #ould, of course, ha(e to escape first. Ah, but #hat&s
this, unless %&' 'uch 'istaken, a ha''er and a chisel$
Baldrick" +ou OareO 'uch 'istaken9
Ed'und" A pencil and a 'iniature tru'pet.
Baldrick" +es, a pencil so you can drop 'e a postcard to tell 'e ho# the break
out #ent and a s'all little tiny 'iniature tru'pet in case during
your escape, you ha(e to #in fa(our #ith a difficult child.
Ed'und" Baldrick, % don&t #ant to spend 'y last precious hours ru''aging
through this feeble collection of stocking-fillers. 5o# let 'e ask
you so'e si'ple Duestions" is there are a sa# in this bag$
Baldrick" 5o.
Ed'und" A ha''er$
Baldrick" 5o.
Ed'und" A chisel$
Baldrick" 5o.
Ed'und" A gun$
Baldrick" 5o.
Ed'und" A false passport$
Baldrick" HthinksI 5o.
Ed'und" A change of clothes$
Baldrick" +es sir, of course % #ouldn&t forget a change of clothes.
Ed'und" Ah, no# that&s so'ething, let&s see.....a 8obin 7ood costu'e.
Baldrick" % put in a French peasant&s outfit first, but then % thought
&)hat if you arri(e in a French peasant&s (illage and they&re
in the 'iddle of a fancy dress party$&
Ed'und" And #hat if % arri(e in a French peasant (illage, dressed in a
8obin 7ood costu'e and there Oisn&tO a fancy dress party$
Baldrick" )ell, to be Duite frank sir, % didn&t consider that e(entuality,
because if you did, you&d stick out like a.....
Ed'und" HinterruptingI /ike a 'an standing in a lake #ith a s'all painted
#ooden duck on his head$
Baldrick" E,actly9
Hre-enter <erkinsI
<erkins" E,cuse 'e, sir.
Ed'und" Alright. Aaahh'', thank you, Baldrick, #e&ll finish this picnic
later.
Baldrick" Hrather loudlyI +?. +?.9 He,itsI
<erkins" 6o you 'ind if % disturb you for a 'o'ent, sir$
Ed'und" 5o, no, not at all. .y diary&s pretty e'pty this #eek. /et&s see,
Thursday 'orning, get shot, yes, that&s about it, actually.
<erkins" %t&s 4ust there&s a fe# chaps out here #ould like a bit of a chin#ag.
Ed'und" Oh, lo(eley. Al#ays keen to 'eet ne# poeple.
<erkins" Corpral Bones and <ri(ates pacer, 8obinson, and Tipper#ick
All" 7ello
Ed'und" Oh, nice of you to drop by. And #hat do you do$
/eader" )e&re your firing sDuad, sir.
Ed'und" Of course you are.
Duad 'an :" Good si3ed chest.
/eader" hut up, lad.
Duad 'an :" ir9
/eader" +ou see, us firing sDuads are a bit like ta,'en, sir, e(eryone hates
us, but #e&re 4ust doin& our 4ob, &a(en&t #e, sir$
Ed'und" .y heart bleeds for you.
/eader" )ell, sir, #e ai' to please. Bust a little firing sDuad 4oke there,
sir9 +ou see, sir, #e take pride in the ter'anatory ser(ice #e
supply. o, is there any particular area you&d like us to go for, h''$
)e can ai' any#here.
Ed'und" )ell, in that case, 4ust abo(e 'y head 'ight be a good spot.
/eader" +ou see, a laugh and a s'ile, and all of a sudden the 4ob doesn&t see'
Duite so bad after all, does it sir$
Duad 'an :" 5o, and a lo(ely roo'y forehead.
Duad 'an G" A good pulse and 4ugular, there as #ell.
Ed'und" /ook, %&' sorry, % kno# you 'ean to be friendly, but % hope you #on&t
take it a'iss if % ask you to sod off and die.
/eader" 5o, no, no, no, no, no, no, fair enough, &course not, sir. 5o one
likes being shot first thing in the 'orning, do they$ 5o, no, no,
o, look fore#ard to seeing you to'oro#, sir. +ou&ll ha(e a blindfold
on of course, but you&ll recogni3e 'e. %&' the one that says, *8eady,
ai', fire9*
Ed'und" Can % ask you to lea(e a pause bet#een the #ord *ai'* and the #ord
*fire*$ Thirty or forty years, perhaps$
/eader" Ahh, #ish % could pause, sir. % really #ish % could, but % can&t, you
see, cos %&' a tabler, you see.
Hlots of inaudible lines, sorryI
HFiring Duad lea(esI
Ed'und" <erfect9 % #onder if anything on earth could depress 'e 'ore$
Henter BaldrickI
Baldrick" E,cuse 'e, sir$
Ed'und" Of course it could.
Baldrick" % forgot to gi(e you this letter fro' /ieutenant George, sir.
Ed'und" HsarcasticallyI Ahh9 Oh, 4oy9 )hat #ise #ords fro' the #orld&s
greatest defence counsel. Hreads letterI &6ear .other,&......un-
usual start, HcontinuesI &thanks for the case of cotch.& +ou&(e
e,celled yourself, Baldrick. +ou&(e brought the #orng letter again9
Baldrick" Ohh yeah, he did #rite t#o.
Ed'und" +es, his 'other&s about to get a note, telling her he&s sorry she&s
going to be shot in the 'orning.....#hile O%O ha(e to read this
dri(el. Hreads furtherI &Count Celia thri(es in the <ony Club trials
and that little Freddy scores a century for the first ele(en&. HasideI
+ou can&t deny, it&s a ri(eting read...uhhh, &end 'y lo(e to ?ncle
8upert&, HasideI #ho&d ha(e thought it, .ad ?ncle 8upert, .inister of
)ar. <o#er of life or death o(er e(ery bally soldier in the ar'y.
7ang on a 'inute.....this is it9 All George has to do is send hi' a
telegra' and he&ll get 'e off. Hin a pleasant toneI Baldrick, % lo(e
you9 % #ant to kiss your cherry lips and nibble your shell-like ears.
%&' freeeee9
Hat BA&s Duarters, George is 'opingI
George" %&' useless, useless9
Baldrick" ir, sir9
George" 7ello <ri(ate, ho#&s the Captain$
Baldrick" 7e&s absolutely fine, sir, but..
George" uhh, you&re 4ust trying to cheer 'e up. % kno# the truth. 7e hates
'e cos % co'pletely arsed up his defence.
Baldrick" +es, % kno#, sir, but..
George" %&' thick, you see. %&' as thick as the big-print (ersion of The Co'-
plete )orks of Charles 6ickens. %f only % could&(e sa(ed hi'. %f only9
Baldrick" But you OcanO, sir.
George" )hat, ho#$
Baldrick" +ou send a telegra'.
George" Of course9 % send a telegra'.
Baldrick" +eah9
George" )ho to$
Baldrick" To the person in the letter.
George" )hat letter$
Baldrick" To your 'other.
George" % send a telegra' to 'y 'other$9
Baldrick" 5o9
George" 5o9
Baldrick" +ou send a telegra' to the person in the letter to your 'other.
George" )ho #as in the letter to 'y 'other$
Baldrick" % can&t re'e'ber9
George" )ell, think, think9
Baldrick" 5o, you think think9
George" )ell, % ahh...tay here, of course, the <ony Club Trials. +es9 ee
here, they can leap o(er the #alls o(er the prison and sa(e hi'.
Baldrick" 5o, no9
George" 5o, no, ahhh''. +es, cricket. +es, %&(e got Cousin Freddie, of
course. 7e can knock out the firing sDuad #ith his cricket bat.
Baldrick" 5o, there&s so'eone else9
George" He,citedI Oh #ell, #ho9$
Baldrick" % don&t kno#.
George" )ell, neither do %9
Baldrick" )ell, think9
George" +ou think9
Baldrick" +ou think that9
Hboth continue argue'ent, then....I
George" 5o, it hasn&t helped.
Baldrick" +es it has, sir. +our ?ncle 8upert #ho&s 4ust been 'ade .inister
of )ar.
George" Of course. ?ncle 8upert shall be 'ade .inister of )ar. Baldrick,
%&ll, %&ll send hi' a telegra' and he&ll, he&ll pull strings and
scratch backs and fiddle #ith nobs, and....
Baldrick" 7?88A+9
George" )ell, % got there in the end, eh Baldrick$
Baldrick" Oh, 4ust about, sir.
George" Ah, % think this calls for a celebration, don&t you$ )hat about a
toss of old .orehen&s hredded poru', #hich .u' has 4ust sent o(er$
% drink a toast, don&t you, to Captain Blackadder and freedo'9
Baldrick" Captain Blackadder and Freedo', sir.
Houtside, #here Ed'und is to be e,ecuted2 6a#n, a cock cro#sI
Ed'und" &.orning.
Firing Duad HallI" &.orning.
<erkins" % 'ust say, Captain, %&(e got to ad'ire your balls.
Ed'und" <rehaps later. Hto Firing DuadI 7o# are you doing$
All" Cery #ell, good.
Ed'und" 8obinson, good to see you.
8obinson" Good to see you, too, sir.
Ed'und" Ahh, Corporal, ho#&s the (oice$
Corporal Hreferred to as /eader in an earlier sceneI" E,cellent, sir.
Ed'und" o the phone&s on the hook, is it <erkins$
<erkins" Oh yes, sir.
Ed'und" o, #here do you #ant 'e$
Corporal" )ell, up against the #all is traditional, sir.
Ed'und" Course it is. Ah...this side or the other side$ Hall laughI
5o 'essengers #aiting, <erkins$
<erkins" Oh, %&' afraid not, sir. Oh #ell.
Corporal" Alright, lads, line up.
Ed'und" +es, uahh...no# look, % think there 'ight ha(e been a bit of a 'is-
understanding, you see. % #as e,pecting a telegra'.
Corporal" ATTE5T%O59
Ed'und" =uite an i'porant one, actually.
Corporal" TA0E A%.9
A (oice" top9
Ed'und" % think that&s #hat they call &the nick of ti'e&.
Coice" /etter for the Captain.
Ed'und" Of course it is. 8ead it please.
Coice" Eh, &here&s looking at you. /o(e fro' all the boys in the firing sDuad.&
Corporal" +ou soft bastards, you9
Duad .an :" After all #e&(e got, % couldn&t resist it.
Ed'und" HsarcasticallyI 7o# thoughtful9
Corporal" ATTE5T%O59
Ed'und" 5o# look, ah, so'ething has gone spectacularly badly #rong.
Corporal" TA0E A%.9
Ed'und" Baldrick, you&re 'ince'eat9
Hat BA&s DuartersI
George" Ha#akingI Oh, 'y head9 Ah, 'y head9 Feels like the ti'e % #as initiated
into teh illy Buggers society at Ca'bridge. % 'isheard the rules and
push a #hole ober4ing into 'y earhole.
Baldrick" <er'ission to die, sir.
George" Oh9 Bu-bu-bu-#hat started this drinking$ Oh, yes, #ell,#e #ere cele-
brating getting Captain Blackadder off scot...Hrealises it&s too lateI
free. Oh 'y sainted trousers, #e forgot9
Baldrick" Oh #hoops.
George" Oh no. 7e&s dead, you see. 7e&s dead dead dead because #e&re a pair of
selfish so and so&s....HdespairinglyI oh, course, if % ha(e a rope, %&d
put it around 'y neck and bally #ell hanged 'yself until it really hurt.
HEd'und #alks inI
Ed'und" 7i, George, &'orning, Baldrick. till the striking rese'blence to guppie
fish at feeding ti'e. +ep, it arri(ed in the nick of ti'e.
George" Oh, e,cellent9
Ed'und" Ah, so you&(e got the cotch out, ha(en&t #e$
George" Oh, #ell, #ell, of course, sir, yes. )e #anted to lay on a bit of a
bash for your safe return, ah..here you go. Hgi(es Ed'und a drink,
laughsI
Ed'und" There #as a second telegra' that arri(ed actually George, addressed
personally to you by your ?ncle.
George" Oh, thank you, %....Htries to get letter fro' Ed'und, #ho opens and
reads itI
Ed'und" HreadsI &George, 'y boy, Outraged to read in dispatches ho# that ass
.elchett 'ade such a pig-ear out of your chu' Blackadder&s court-'ar-
tial. 7a(e re(ersed the decision forth#ith. urprised you didn&t ask
'e to do it yourself, actually.& 5o# this is interesting, isn&t it$
George" ?h, uhh, yes, #ell, %, you see, sir. ?h..the thing is..
Ed'und" +ou t#o got #ha''ed last night, didn&t you$
George" )e--#ell, #ell, no, uh, uh. not #ha''ed e,actly. A little tiddly,
perhaps.
Ed'und" And you forgot the telegra' to your ?ncle9
George" )ell, n--n--n-no. 5ot, not, not co'pletely. <artially, u''....)ell
yes, yes. Entirely.
Baldrick" % think % can e,plain, sir.
Ed'und" Can you, Baldrick$
Baldrick" HpauseI 5o.
Ed'und" As % suspected. 5o#, %&' not a religious 'an, as you kno#. 7enceforth,
% shall nightly pray to the God, #ho killed Cain and sDuashed a'pson,
that 7e co'es out of retire'ent and gets back into practice on the
pair of you9
Hphone rings2 Ed'und ans#ers itI
Ed'und" Captain Blackadder. Ah, Captain 6arling. )ell, you kno#, so'e of us
4ust ha(e friends in high places, % suppose. +es, % can hear you per-
fectly. +ou #ant #hat$ +ou #ant t#o (olunteers for a 'ission into 5o
.an&s /and, Code na'e" Operation Certain 6eath. yes, yes % think %
ha(e 4ust the fello#s. Hhangs up2 to George and BaldrickI God is
O(eryO Duick these days.
OOOF%5%OOO
Black Adder Goes Forth, Episode Three
.a4or tar
Hin the ar'y barracks, sound of #histling is heardI
HEd'und sighsI
George" +ou&re a bit chee3ed off, sir$
Ed'und" George, the day this #ar began % #as chee3ed off. )ithin ten 'inutes
of you turning up, % finished the chee3e and 'o(ed on to the coffee
and cigars. And at this late stage, %&' in a cab #ith t#o lady co'-
panions on 'y #ay to the <ink <ussycat in /o#er 8egency.
George" Oh #ell, because if you are chee3ed off, you kno# #hat #ould cheer
you up, alot of Charlie Chaplin fil's. Oh, % lo(e Old Chappers, don&t
you, Cap$
Ed'und" ?nfortuately no % don&t. % find his fil's about as funny as getting an
arro# through the neck and disco(ering there&s a gas bill tied to it.
George" Ah, beg pardon, sir, but co'e off9 7is fil's are ball-bouncingly funny.
Ed'und" 8ubbish9
George" Alright, #hy let&s consult the 'en for a casting (ote, shall #e$ Bal-
drick$
Baldrick" HenteringI ir9
George" Charlie Chaplin, Baldrick. )hat do you 'ake of hi'$
Baldrick" Oh sir, he&s as funny as a (egetable that&s gro#n into a rude and
a'using shape, sir.
Ed'und" o you agree #ith 'e. 5ot at all funny$
George" Oh co'e on, skipper, it ain&t fair. % ha(en&t asked for all of this.
)hen he kicked that fello# in the backside, % thought %&d die9
Ed'und" )ell, if that&s your idea of co'edy, #e can pro(ide our o#n #ithout
H$$I for the pri(iledge. Hkicks BaldrickI There, you find that funny$
George" )ell, no of course not, sir, but you see, Chaplin is a genius.
Ed'und" 7e certainly is a genuis, George. 7e in(ented a #ay of getting a
'illion dollars a year by #earing stupid trousers. 6id you find that
funny, Baldrick$
Baldrick" )hat funny, sir$
Ed'und" Hkicks Baldrick againI That funny.
Baldrick" 5o sir, you 'ustn&t do that to 'e sir, because that is a bourgois
act of repression, sir.
Ed'und" )hat$
Baldrick" % think % s'elt it sir, there&s so'ething afoot in the #ind. The
huddled 'asses yearning to be free.
Ed'und" Baldrick, ha(e you been through the diesel oil again$
Baldrick" 5o sir, %&(e been sopping the 'ilk of freedo'. Already our 8ussian
co'rades are poised on the brink of 8e(olution. And here too, sir,
the huddled #hat&s-na'es such as 'yself, sir, are ready to thro#
off the hated oppressors like you and the /ieutenant. <resent co'
pany accepted, sir.
Ed'und" Go and clean out the latrines.
Baldrick" +es sir, right a#ay, sir.
George" 5o# the reason #hy Chaplin is so funny, because he&s part of a great
British 'usic hall tradition.
Ed'und" Oh yes, the Great British .usic 7all Tradition. T#o 'en, #ith incred-
ibly uncon(incing Cockney accents going, *#hat&s up #ith you then$
)hat&s up #ith 'e then$ +eah, #hat&s up #ith you then$ H$$$$$$$$I*
GET O5 )%T7 %T999
George" 5o# sir, that #as funny9 +ou should ha(e gotten a part yourself9
Ed'und" Thank you, George, but if you don&t 'ind, %&d rather ha(e 'y tongue
beaten #afer-thin by a steak tenderiser and then stapled to the floor
#ith a croDuet hoop.
Hloud (oices are heard outsideI
Baldrick" Hrushing inI ir, sir, it&s all o(er the trenches9
Ed'und" )ell, 'op it up then.
Baldrick" 5o sir, the ne#s. The 8ussian 8e(olution has started. The 'asses
ha(e risen up and sho(eled their nobs9
George" )ell, hurrah9
Ed'und" Hreading a ne#spaperI Oh no, the 8ussians ha(e pulled out of the #ar.
George" )ell, #e soon sa#ed the' off, didn&t #e sir$ .iserable slant-eye,
sausage eating s#ine.
Ed'und" The 8ussians are on OourO side, George.
George" Oh really$
Ed'und" And they&(e abandoned the Eastern Front.
Baldrick" And they&(e o(erthro#n 5icholas %% #ho used to be bi33are.
Ed'und" )ho used to be Othe c3arO, Baldrick. The point is, no# that the
8ussians ha(e 'ade peace #ith the 0aiser. At this (ery 'o'ent,
three Duarters of a 'illion Ger'ans are lea(ing the 8ussian Front
and co'ing o(er OhereO #ith the e,press purpose of using 'y nipples
for target practise. There&s only one thing for it, %&ll ha(e to
desert and %&' going to ha(e to do it....right no#.
Henter General .elchettI
.elchett" Are you lea(ing us, Blackadder$
Ed'und" 5o sir.
.elchett" )ell %&' relie(ed to hear it. % need you to help 'e shoot 'ore
deserters later on. There ha(e been so'e sub(ersi(e 'utterings
a'ongst the 'en. +ou&ll recall the French ar'y last year at
Cerdun #here the top eschelons suffered fro' horrendeous uprisings
fro' the botto'.
Ed'und" +es sir, but surely that #as traced to a ship'ent of garlic eclairs.
.elchett" 5onsense Blackadder9 %t #as bolshe(ist. <lain bolshe(ist9 And no#
that the 8uskys ha(e follo#ed suit, %&' da'ned if % can let the
sa'e thing happen here.
Ed'und" Oh, and #hat are you going to do about it, sir$
.elchett" %&' going to ha(e a concert party to boost the 'en&s 'orale.
George" A concert party, #ell, hurrah9
.elchett" +ou fancy an e(ening at a concert party, Blackadder$
Ed'und" )ell frankly sir, %&d rather spend an e(ening on top of a stepladder
in 5o .an&s /and s'oking cigarettes through an illu'inous balaca(a H$I.
.elchett" )ell, % didn&t think it #ould be your cup of tea, but % do need
so'eone to help 'e organise it, you kno#. Ob(iously not a tough
gri33led old soldier like yourself, but so'e kind of dandified
nancy-boy #ho #ill be prepared to spend the rest of the #ar in
the /ondon <alladiu'.
Ed'und" The sho#&s going to the /ondon <alladiu', sir$
.elchett" Oh yes of course. 5o good crushing the 8e(olution o(er here only
to get back ho'e to Blighty and find that e(eryone&s #earing o(er-
alls and breaking #ind in the palaces of the 'ighty.
Ed'und" Good point, sir.
.elchett" o the thing is, Blackadder, finding a 'an to organise a concert
party is going tJo be da'n difficult. o, %&(e co'e up #ith rather
a cunning set of Duestions #ith #hich to test the candidate&s
suitability for the 4ob.
Ed'und" And #hat sort of Duestions #ould these be, sir$
.elchett" )ell, the first Duestion is, &do you like Charlie Chaplin$&
Ed'und" Hlooks at GeorgeI 6is'issed, /ieutenant. HGeorge salutes and lea(esI
&6o you like Charlie Chaplin$&, yes that is a good Duestion for a
candidate, ah, to #hich 'y ans#er #ould of course be, &yes, % lo(e
hi', lo(e hi', sir, particularly the a'using kicks.
George" That&s #hat % said because % thought you said....
Ed'und" HabruptlyI Goodbye George.
.elchett" And the second Duestion is, &do you like 'usic hall$&
Ed'und" Ah, yes, another good Duestion, sir. Again, 'y ans#er #ould ha(e to
be &yes, absolutely lo(e it.& H'i'ikingI *Oops, .r. 8othschild, H$$I*
.elchett" ?'', yes. )ell, it&s in 'y (ie#, Blackadder, that a person #ho
#ould ans#er &yes& to both Duestions #ould be ideal for the 4o-
Hrealises Ed'und&s early affir'ati(e responsesI. )ait a 'inute.
Ed'und" )hat sir$
.elchett" HlaughsI )hy, #ithout kno#ing it, Blackadder, you&(e inad(ertently
sho#n 'e that you can do the 4ob.
Ed'und" 7a(e % sir$
.elchett" +es sir9 +ou ha(e, sir. And % #ant you to start #ork straight a#ay.
A couple of sho#s o(er the #eekend and if all goes #ell, #e&ll start
you off in /ondon ne,t .onday.
Ed'und" Oh...da'n.
.elchett" %f you need any help fi,ing and carrying and backstage and so on,
%&ll lend you 'y dri(er if you like. Hcalls outI Bob$9
Ha #o'an enters....the dri(er BobI
Bob" H'ilitaristicallyI 6ri(er <arker reporting for duty, sir9
.elchett" Alright, at ease, Bob, stand easy. Captain Blackadder, this is Bob.
Ed'und" Bob$
Bob" Good 'orning, sir.
Ed'und" ?nusual na'e for a girl$
.elchett" Oh yes, it #ould be an unusual na'e for a girl, but it&s a perfectly
straightfor#ard na'e for a young chap like you, eh Bob$ 5o# Bob, %
#ant you to bunk up #ith Captain Blackadder for a couple of days, al-
right$
Bob" +es sir.
.elchett" % think you&ll find Bob 4ust the 'an for this 4ob, Blackadder. 7e has
a splendid sense of hu'our.
Ed'und" 7e sir$ 7e$ 7e$
.elchett" +ou see, you&re laughing already9 )ell then, Bob, %&ll lea(e you t#o
together, #hy don&t you get to kno# each other, play a ga'e of cri'-
'age, ha(e a s'oke, so'ething like that. They tell 'e that Captain
Blackadder has rather a good line in rough shag. ?', %&' sure he&d
be happy to fill your pipe. Carry on. He,itsI
Ed'und" o you&re a &chap&, are you Bob$
Bob" Oh yes, sir. HlaughsI
Ed'und" +ou #ouldn&t say you #ere a girl at all$
Bob" Oh, definitely not, sir. % understand cricket, % fart in bed, e(erything.
Ed'und" /et 'e put it another #ay, Bob, you are a girl. And you&re a girl #ith
as 'uch talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get
into a &<olar Bears Only& golf club.
Bob" Oh sir, please don&t gi(e 'e a#ay, sir. % 4ust #anted to be like 'y bro-
thers and 4oin up. % #ant to see ho# a real #ar is fought....so badly.
Ed'und" )ell, you&(e co'e to the right place, Bob. A #ar hasn&t been fought
OthisO badly since Olaf the 7airy, Chief of all the Cikings, accidently
ordered M;,;;; battle hel'ets #ith the horns on the OinsideO.
Bob" % #ant to do 'y bit for the boys, sir.
Ed'und" Oh really$
Bob" %&ll do anything, sir9
Ed'und" +es, no# keep that to yourself, if % #as you.
HEd'und and Bob go o(er repetoire for concert hall sho#I
Ed'und" Alright Bob, the second half start #ith Corporal 'ith and Bohnson as
the Three illy T#erps.
Bob" Alright, sir.
Ed'und" The big 4oke being that there&s only t#o of the'.
Baldrick" HlaughingI % kno# that, it al#ays cracks 'e up, sir.
Ed'und" Follo#ed by Baldrick&s i'personation of Charlie Chaplin. Bob, take a
telegra'.
Bob" +es sir.
Ed'und" .r. C. Chaplin, ennett tudios, 7olly#ood, California. H$$$I stop.
7a(e disco(ered only person in the #orld less funny than you stop.
5a'e Baldrick stop. yours, E. Blackadder stop.& Oh, and put a <.
&<lease please please stop.& 5o# after that, #e ha(e, ladies and
gentle'en, the highlight of our sho#.
Baldrick" Ta-da...
Henter George in dragI
George" % feel fantastic9
Ed'und" Gorgeous Georgina, the traditional soldier&s drag act.
Baldrick" +ou look absolutely lo(ely, sir.
Ed'und" )ell Baldrick, you are lined H$I, blind, or 'ad. The /ieutenant looks
as all soldiers look on these occasions, about as fe'inine as ). G.
Grace. )hat are you going to gi(e the', George$
George" )ell, % thought one or t#o cheeky gags, one follo#ed by &he #as only
the iron'onger&s daughter but she kne# a surprising a'ount about fish
as #ell&.
Ed'und" HsarcaticI %nspired. )ell, at least you 'ade an effort #ith the dress,
#hat is your costu'e, Baldrick$
Baldrick" %&' in it, sir.
Ed'und" % see. o your Charlie Chaplin costu'e consists of only that hat.
Baldrick" E,cept that in this bo,, %&(e a dead slug as a brillaint false
'oustache.
Ed'und" +es, it&s only Duite brilliant, % fear. 7o#, for instance, are you
to attach it to your face$
Baldrick" )ell, % #as hoping to persuade the slug to cling on, sir.
Ed'und" Baldrick, the slug is dead. %f it failed to cling on to life, % see
no reason that it should cling on to your upper lip.
George" Baldrick, Baldrick co'e on. lugs are al#ays a proble'. )hat you do
is scre# your face up like this you see and you can cla'p it bet#een
your top lip and your nose.
Baldrick" Hleaning back#ardI )hat$ /ike this, sir$
George" ee, that&s it, that&s good. ir, sir, there&s a (isitor to see you.
Ed'und" Hfaking, but con(incingI Good /ord, .r. Chaplin9 This is indeed an
honour. )hy, this calls for so'e sort of celebration. Baldrick, Bal-
drick9
George" ir, that is e,traordinary, because, because this isn&t Chaplin at all.
This OisO Baldrick.
Baldrick" %t is, it&s O'eO, sir9
Ed'und" % kno#, % kno#. % #as, in fact being sarcastic.
George" Oh, % see. ?''.
Ed'und" E(erything goes abo(e your head, doesn&t it, George$ +ou should go to
Ba'aica and beco'e a li'bo dancer.
Hat the concert....backstage, George is seen gi(ing encoresI
Bob" They lo(e hi', sir. )e&re a hit9
Ed'und" +es, in one short e(ening, %&(e beco'e the 'ost successful i'presario
since the 'anager of the 8o'an Coliseu' thought of putting the Christ-
ians and the lions on the sa'e bill.
Baldrick" ir, so'e people see' to think % #as best9 6o you agree$
Ed'und" Baldrick, in the A'a3onian rain forests, there are tribes of %ndians
yet untouched by ci(ilisation #ho could de(elop 'ore con(incing Char-
lie Chaplin i'pressionists.
Baldrick" Thank you (ery 'uch, sir.
Bob" Hrefering to George aka GeorginaI" 7e&s co'ing out.
George" )hat do you think, Bob, one 'ore$ God, % lo(e attention9 Hgoes off
stage to 4oin Ed'und and co'panyI %t&s in 'y blood and soul. Bal-
drick, put this in so'e #ater, #ill you$
HBaldrick dunks the flo#ers into the (ase upside-do#nI
George" % need that applause in the sa'e #ay that a osler needs his osle.
Bob" )ell done, sir9
George" Hbeing 'odestI 5o, sir, % really, % #as hopeless. % 'ean, tell 'e
honestly, sir, % #as, #asn&t %$
Ed'und" )ell...
George" 5o, no, no, co'e on, sir. Out #ith it, cos % really need to kno#,
% #as hopeless.
Ed'und" 5o....
George" +ou&re trying to be nice and that&s (ery s#eet of you, but sir, please,
% can take it. % #as hoepless.
Ed'und" George, you #ere bloody Oa#fulO9
HGeorge sobs.I
Ed'und" But you can&t argue #ith the bo, office. <ersonally, % thought you #ere
the least con(incing fe'ale i'pressionist since Tar3an #ent through
Bane&s handbag and ate her lipstick. But %&' clearly in the 'inority.
/ook out /ondon, here #e co'e9
Hat .elchett&s headDuarters, &7=&. Capt. 6arling sits at his deskI
Ed'und" Ah, Captain 6arling.
6arling" Ah, Captain Blackadder.
Ed'und" % 'ust say, % had an absolutely splendid e(ening. Oh, glad you
en4oyed the sho#.
6arling" The sho#$ % couldn&t go to the sho#. %'portant regi'ental business.
Ed'und" A lorry load of paper clips arri(ed$
6arling" T#o lorry loads, actually.
.elchett" HentersI Ah, #elco'e to the great director, .iestru'.
Ed'und" +ou en4oyed it, sir$
.elchett" )ell, it #as 'ostly a#ful, but % en4oyed the slug balance.
Ed'und" <ri(ate Baldrick, sir.
.elchett" That&s right, yes. The slug fell off a couple of ti'es, but it
#as....you can&t ha(e e(erything, can&t you$ % 4ust suggest a
bit 'ore practise and prehaps a sparkly costu'e for the slug.
Ed'und" %&ll pass that on, sir.
.elchett" But % do ha(e certain others reasons for belie(ing the sho# to be
nothing but a triu'ph. Captain 6arling has your tra(el arrange'ents,
ticket to 6o(er, roo's at the 8it3 and so forth.
Ed'und" Oh, thank you sir.
.elchett" 7o#e(er, there is one s'all thing you can do for 'e.
Ed'und" +es$
.elchett" Captain Blackadder, % should estee' it a single honour if you #ould
allo# 'e to escort your leading lady to the regi'ental ball this
e(ening.
Ed'und" .y leading lady$
.elchett" The fair Georgina.
Ed'und" Ah, ha-ha, (ery a'using.
.elchett" +ou think she&ll laugh in 'y face$ %&' too old, too crusty$
Ed'und" ?h, no, no. %t&s 4ust as her director, %&' afraid % could not allo#
it.
.elchett" % can al#ays find another director #ho O#ouldO allo# it9
Ed'und" =uite. %&ll see #hat % can do, but % 'ust insist that she be ho'e by
'idnight and that there&ll be no hanky-panky, sir, #hatsoe(er.
.elchett" % shall, of course, respect your #ishes, Blackadder. 7o#e(er % don&t
think you need to be Duite so protecti(e. %&' sure she&s a girl #ith
a great deal of spunk than 'ost #o'en you can find.
Ed'und" Oh, dear 'e.
Hat the barracksI
George" Absolutely not, sir. %t&s profoundly i''oral, and utterly #rong. %
#ill not do it.
Ed'und" )e can al#ays find another leading lady.
George" )ell, the dress #ill need a clean.
Ed'und" E,cellent. 5o# the i'portant thing is, that .elchett should, under no
circu'stances, realise that you are a 'an.
George" +es, yes, % understand that.
Ed'und" %n order to insure this, there are three basic rules. One, you 'ust
ne(er, % repeat, ne(er re'o(e your #ig.
George" 8ight.
Ed'und" econd, ne(er say anything. Tell hi' at the beginning of the e(ening
that you&re sa(ing your (oice for the opening night in /ondon.
George" E,cellent, sir. And #hat&s the third$
Ed'und" The third is 'ost i'portant, don&t get drunk and let hi' shag you on
the (eranda.
Hin .elchett&s pri(ate Duarters. The general puts on an i'pressi(e be'edaled
red 4acket. 6arling is #ith hi'.I
.elchett" Hafter a fe# sounds of self-satisfactionI 7o# do % look, 6arling$
6arling" Girl-bait, sir. <ure bloody girl-bait.
.elchett" .oustache$ Bushy enough$
6arling" /ike a pri(ate hedge, sir.
.elchett" Good, because % #ant to catch a particularly beautiful creature in
this bush tonight.
6arling" +ou&ll ha(e her co'ing out of your 'oustache for a #eek, sir.
.elchett" God, it&s a spankingly beautiful #orld and tonight&s 'y night. %
kno# #hat %&ll say to her. &6arling...&
6arling" H'istaken that the general&s addressing hi'I +es sir$
.elchett" )hat$
6arling" ?', % don&t kno#, sir.
.elchett" )ell don&t butt in9 He,halesI &% #ant to 'ake you happy, darling&.
6arling" )ell, that&s (ery kind of you sir.
.elchett" )ill you kindly stop interrupting$ %f you don&t listen, ho# can you
tell 'e #hat you think$ HcontinuesI &% #ant to 'ake you happy, dar-
ling. % #ant to build a nest for your ten tiny toes. % #ant to co(er
e(ery inch of your gorgeous body in pether and snee3e all o(er you.&
6arling" % really think % 'ust protest9
.elchett" )hat is the 'atter #ith you, 6arling$
6arling" )ell, it&s all so sudden, % 'ean the nest bit&s fine, but the pether
business is definitely out9
.elchett" 7o# dare you tell 'e ho# % 'ay or 'ay not treat 'y belo(ed Georgina$
6arling" Georgina$
.elchett" +es, %&' #orking on #hat to say to her this e(ening.
6arling" Oh yes. Of course. Thank God.
.elchett" Alright$
6arling" +es, %&' listening, sir.
.elchett" 7onestly 6arling, you really are the 'ost graceless, di'-#itted
pu'pkin % e(er 'et.
6arling" % don&t think you should say that to her.
H.elchett groansI
Hat the barracksI
Ed'und" )here&s that George$ %t&s three o&clock in the 'orning, he should be
careful #andering the trench at night #ith nothing to protect his
honour but a cricket bo,.
George HenteringI" 7ello Captain.
Ed'und" About ti'e, #here the hell ha(e you been$
George" )ell % don&t kno#, it&s all been like a drea', 'y (ery first ball.
The 'usic, the dancing, the cha'pagne, 'y 'ind is a 'ad #orld. 7alf
#hispered con(ersation #ith the pro'ise of indisretion e(er hanging
in the air.
Ed'und" 5o, that old stoke .elchett tried for a snog behind the fruit cup.
George" Certainly not9 The general beha(ed like a perfect gentle'an. )e tired
the 'oon #ith our talking about e(erything and nothing. The #ar, 'ar-
riage, proposed changes of the /B) rule.
Ed'und" .elchett isn&t 'arried, is he$
George" 5o, no, all his life, he&s been #aiting to 'eet the perfect #o'an. And
tonight, he did.
Ed'und" o'e poor unfortunate had Old )alrus-face dribbling in her ear all
e(ening, did she$
George" )ell yes. As a 'atter of fact, % did ha(e to drape a napkin o(er 'y
shoulder, yes.
Ed'und" George, are you trying to tell 'e that you&re the General&s perfect
#o'an$
George" )ell, yes, % rather think % a'.
Ed'und" )ell thank God the horny old blighthead didn&t ask you to 'arry hi'.
HGeorge stares out to Ed'und, affir'ing this fact in silenceI
Ed'und" 7e did$9 )ell ho# did you get out of that one$
George" )ell, to be honest, sir, %&' not absolutely certain that % did.
Ed'und" )7AT$9
George" +ou don&t understand #hat it #as like, sir. +ou kno#, the candles,
the 'usic, the huge 'oustache, % can&t re'e'ber it. H$I
Ed'und" +ou said &yes&$
George" Oh, #ell he is a general, % didn&t really feel % could refuse. 7e
'ight ha(e 'e court-'artialed.
Ed'und" )hereas on the other hand, of course, he&s going to gi(e you the
Cictoria Cross #hen he lifts up your frock on the #edding night
and finds hi'self looking at the blast turkey at the shop.
George" +es, %, %, % kno# it&s 'ess, ah but, you see, he got 'e scriffy and
then #hen he looked into 'y eyes and said &Chip'unk, % lo(e you.&
Ed'und" C7%<.?50$$$
George" %t&s a special na'e for 'e, you see, he says 'y nose looks 4ust like
a chip'unk&s.
Ed'und" Oh God9 )e&re in serious serious trouble here. %f the General e(er
finds out that Gorgeous Georgina is, in fact, a strapping si, footer
fro' the rough end of the trench, #hich #ill precipitate the fastest
e,ecution since so'eone said, &this Guy Fa#lkes bloke, do #e let hi'
off, or #ot$&
Hphone rings, Ed'und ans#ers itI
Ed'und" 7ello$ +es sir. traight a#ay sir. Hhangs upI That #as your finacee,
&Chip'unk&. 7e #ants to see 'e. %f % should die, think only this of
'e, &%&ll be back to get ya9&.
Hat 7= againI
Ed'und" ir, % can e,plain e(erything.
.elchett" Can you, Blackadder$ Can you$
Ed'und" )ell.....no sir, not really.
.elchett" % thought not, % thought not. )ho can e,plain the 'ysteries of lo(e$
%&' in lo(e #ith Georgina, Blackadder. %&' going to 'arry her on a-
turday and % #ant you to be 'y best 'an.
Ed'und" % don&t think that #ould be a (ery good idea, sir.
.elchett" And #hy not$
Ed'und" Because there&s so'ething #rong #ith your finacee, sir.
.elchett" Oh 'y God, she&s not )elsh, is she$
Ed'und" 5o sir. ?', it&s a terrible story, but true. Bust a fe# 'inutes ago
Georgina arri(ed une,pectedly in 'y trench. he #as literally dancing
#ith 4oy as if so'ething #onderful had happened to her.
.elchett" .akes sense.
Ed'und" ?nfortunately, she #as in such a da3e, danced straight throught the
trench and out into 5o .an&s /and. % tried to stop her, but before
% could say, &6on&t tread on a 'ine&, she trod on a 'ine.
H.elchett starts to sobI
Ed'und" )hen % say &a 'ine&, it #as a cluster of 'ines, and she #as blo#n to
s'itereens, rocketed up into the air, said so'ething % couldn&t Duite
catch, totally inco'prehensible to 'e, so'ething like, &Tell hi', his
little chip'unk #ill lo(e hi' fore(er&.
H.elchett ho#ls in sadnessI
6arling" %t&s heartnreaking, sir.
Ed'und" %&' sorry sir.
.elchett" Hreco(eringI Oh #ell, can&t be helped, can&t be helped.
6arling" Bolly bad luck, sir. Of course, on top of e(erything else, #ithout
your leading lady, you #on&t be able to put on your sho#. o no
sho#, no /ondon <alladiu'.
Ed'und" On the contrary, %&' si'ply intending to rena'e it, the Georgina
.elchett .e'orial ho#.
.elchett" Oh no, Georgina #as the only thing that 'ade the sho# co'e ali(e.
Apart fro' her, it #as all a#ful9
6arling" A#ful9
.elchett" +ou&ll ne(er find a girl like Georgina by to''orro#.
Ed'und" )ell, it&s funny you should say that sir, because % think % already
ha(e.
.elchett" )ho is she$
6arling" )ho is she$
Hback at the barracksI
George" Has his &nor'al& 'ale selfI o, co'e on, sir, #ho is she$
Ed'und" )ell, that&s the proble'. % ha(en&t a bloody clue9 The only e,acting
#o'an around here is car(ed out of stone called &Cenus& and is stan-
ding in a fountain in the to#n sDuare #ith #ater co'ing out of her
ar'pits.
George" o #e&re a bit stuck.
Bob" Hpassing throughI .orning chaps.
Ed'und and George" .orning Bob.
Ed'und" +ou can say that again, George. )e&re in a stickier situation since
ticky the tick %nsect got stuck on a sticky bun. )e are in trouble.
Henter Baldrick in dragI
Baldrick" 5o any'ore sir. .ay % present 'y cunning plan.
Ed'und" 6on&t be ridiculous, Baldrick. Can you sing, can you dance$ Or are
you offering to be sa#n in half$
Baldrick" % don&t think those things are i'portant in a 'odern 'arriage, sir.
% offer si'ple ho'e cooking.
Ed'und" Our plan is to find a ne# leading lady for our sho#. )hat is your plan$
Baldrick" .y plan is that % #ill 'arry General .elchett. % a' the other #o'an.
George" )ell, congradulations Baldrick. % hope you #ill be (ery happy.
Baldrick" % #ill, sir, cos #hen % get back fro' honey'oon, % #ill be a 'e'ber
of the aristocracy and you #ill ha(e to call 'e &.&lady&.
Ed'und" )hat happened to your 8e(olutionary principles, Baldrick$ % thought
you hated the aristocracy.
Baldrick" %&' #orking to bring do#n the syste' fro' #ithin, sir. %&' a sort
of a Fro3en 7orse.
Ed'und" OTro4an 7ouseO, Baldrick.
Baldrick" An'y#ay, % can&t see #hat&s so stupid about 'arry into #ealth for
'oney and not ha(ing to sleep in a puddle.
Ed'und" Baldrick, 5O9 %t&s the #orst plan since Abraha' /incoln said, &Oh %&'
sick of kicking around the house tonight. /et&s take in a sho#.& And
for a start, General .elchett is in 'ourning for the #o'an of his
drea's. 7e&s unlikely to be in the 'ood to 'arry a t#o legged badger
#rapped in a curtain.. Any#ay #e are looking for a great entertainer
and you&re the #orst entertainer since t. <aul the E(angelist toured
<alestine #ith his tra'poline act. 5ah, #e ha(e to find so'ebody else.
George" )hat about Corporal Cart#right, sir$
Ed'und" Corporal Cart#right looks like an orangatang. %&(e heard of the Bearded
/ady, but the All O(er Body 7air /ady si'ply 4ust isn&t on.
George" )illis$
Ed'und" Too short.
George" <etheridge$
Ed'und" Too old.
George" Taplo#e$
Ed'und" Too dead. Ah, this is hopeless. There 4ust isn&t anyone9
HBob is heard singingI
Bob" &Goodbyeee, goodbyeee, #ipe the tear, baby dear, fro' your eyeee&.
Ed'und" )hat a' % doing$ Hcalls outI Bob9
Bob" Hnaked but for a to#elI" ir$
George" )hat a brilliant idea9 Bob, can you think of anyone #ho can be our
leading lady$
Hat another concert perfor'anceI
George" )hat do you think, Bob, one 'ore$
Bob" 5o George, al#ays lea(e the' hungry.
Ed'und" Congradulations, Bob. % 'ust ad'it, % thought you #ere bloody 'ar-
(ellous.
Bob" Thank you sir. <er'ission to slip into so'ething 'ore unco'fortable, sir.
Ed'und" <er'ission granted.
Baldrick" Oh sir, it&s going to be #onderful. 5ot 4ust for 'e, but for 'y little
partner, Graha'. 6oing our tour half#ay &round the #orld.
Ed'und" +es, fro' haftsbury A(enue to the CoPte du Bour, they&ll be saying,
&% like the little black one, but #ho&s that burkey sitting on it$&
Baldrick" %&' not #ith you, sir.
Ed'und" 5o, of course not. But don&t #orry, #e&ll ha(e years in lu,ury hotels
for 'e to e,plain. 5o# get packing, get packing. The Burtrain H$I
lea(es at si, and #e&re going to be on it.
6arling" HenteringI Blackadder.
Ed'und" Ah 6arling, e(erything alright$
6arling" Oh yes.
Ed'und" Got the tickets$
6arling" Oh yes.
.elchett" Hcalling, entersI Blackadder9$
Ed'und" Oh hi, General. En4oy the sho#$
.elchett" 6on&t be ridiculous, the #orst e(ening %&(e e(er spent in 'y life9
Hpaces for#ard to#ard Ed'undI
Ed'und" Hpacing back#ardI %&' sorry$
.elchett" HyellsI )ill you stand still #hen %&' talking to you9 %f by a 'an&s
#orks sho#ing H$$I that you #ere a stea'ing pile of horse 'anure.
Ed'und" But surely, sir, the sho# #as a tri'uph.
.elchett" Hyells real loudI T8%.?<7$ The Three T#erps #ere one T#erp short,
again2 the lug Balancer see's no# to be doing so'e feeble i'pres-
sion of Buster 0eaton2 and #orst of all, the cro#ning turd in the
#aterpipe, that re(olting drag act in the end.
Ed'und" 6rag$
.elchett" +es, poor Bob <arker&s been 'ade to look a total ass9 )ith that reedy
(oice and that stupid effe'inate dancing.
6arling" o the sho#&s cancelled, per'enantly. Hrips up plane ticketsI
Ed'und" But #hat about the 'en&s 'orale, sir, #ith the 8ussians out of the #ar
and e(erything$
.elchett" Oh for goodness sake, Blackadder, ha(e you been li(ing in a ca(e$
The A'ercians 4oined the #ar yesterday.
Ed'und" o ho# is that going to i'pro(e the 'en&s 'orale, sir$
.elchett" OOooooohhh, because you 4ibbering i'becile, they&(e brought #ith
the' the largest collection of Charlie Chaplin fil's in e,istence.
%&(e lost patience #ith you. Fill hi' in, 6arling. He,itsI
6arling" )e recei(ed a telegra' this 'orning fro' .r. Chaplin hi'self, at
ennett tudios" HreadsI &T#ice nightly screening of 'y fil's in
trenches, e,cellent idea stop. But 'ust insist E. Blackadder be
pro4ectionist. Oh <, don&t let hi' e(er stop.&
Ed'und" Oh great.
6arling" 5o hard feelings, Blackadder.
Ed'und" 5ot at all 6arling. ?h, care for a licoriche assort'entH$I$
6arling" Haccepts it....#hich turns out to be Baldrick&s dead slugI )ell,
thank you. Heats itI
OOOOOF%5%OOOO
Black Adder Goes Forth, Episode Four
<ri(ate <lane
cene N" BA&s 6ugout
--------------------
[BA is listening to his phonograph. Artillery firing outside is causing the
record to skip freDuently. Annoyed, BA stor's outside.!
cene :" %n The Trench
----------------------
[/t. George is in the trench, peering through a pair of binoculars across
5o .an&s /and.!
BA Oh, God, #hy do they bother$
George )ell, it&s to kill Berry, isn&t it, ir$
BA +es, but Berry is safe underground in concrete bunkers.
)e&(e shot off o(er a 'illion cannon shells and #hat&s
the result$ One dachshund #ith a slight li'p9
[BA yells at the artillery.!
BA hut up9
[Artillery ceases. George looks be'used.!
BA Thank you9 8ight, %&' off to bed #here % intend to
sleep until 'y na'e changes to 8ip Can Adder.
[BA goes into his dugout.!
cene G" BA&s 6ugout
--------------------
[The phonograph is still playing. BA stops it and lies do#n on his cot.
An instant after his head touches the pillo# there is the sound of
aircraft and gunfire fro' outside. BA rises fro' his cot.!
BA Oh, God9 Bloody Ger'ans9 They can&t take a 4oke, can
they$ Bust because #e take a fe# pot-shots at the',
they ha(e to ha(e an air-raid to get their o#n back.
)here are our airforce$
[BA 'o(es o(er to the table. A field-telephone sits on the table!
BA They&re 'eant to defend us against this sort of thing.
[5oise outside continues. BA puts on steel hel'et, picks up telephone and
di(es under the table.!
BA 8ight, that&s it9
[<icks up recei(er.!
BA 7ello$ +es, yes, %&d like to lea(e a 'essage for the
head of the Flying Corps, please. That&s Air Chief
.arshall ir 7ugh .assingburg-.assingburg, CC, 6FC and
bar. .essage reads *)here are you, you bastard$*
[<ri(ate Baldrick enters the dugout.!
Baldrick 7ere % a', ir.
[BA puts do#n the recei(er.!
BA For God&s sake, Baldrick, take co(er.
Baldrick )hy&s that, ir$
BA Because there&s an air-raid going on and % don&t #ant to
ha(e to #rite to your 'other at /ondon Qoo and tell her
that her only hu'an child is dead.
[Baldrick 'o(es under the table #ith BA!
Baldrick All right, ir. %t&s 4ust that % didn&t kno# there #as an
air-raid on. % couldn&t hear anything o(er the noise of
the terrific display by our #onderful boys of the 8oyal
Flying Corps, ir.
BA )hat$
[George enters the dugout.!
George % say, those chaps can&t half thunder in their airborne
steeds, can&t they 4ust$
[George notices BA and Baldrick co#ering under the table.!
George Oh, hello, #hat&s going on here$ Ga'e of hide and seek$
E,cellent9 8ight no#, %&ll go and count to a hundred.
Er, no. Better 'ake it fi(e, actually . . .
BA George . . .
George Er. Oh, it&s sardines. Oh, e,cellent9 That&s 'y fa(ourite
one, that.
[BA rises fro' under the table.!
BA George . . .
George +es, ir$
BA hut up, and ne(er say anything again as long as you li(e.
George 8ight you are, ir.
[BA re'o(es hel'et. George is Duiet for a fe# seconds.!
George Crikey, but #hat a sho# it #as, ir. /ord Flasheart&s
Flying Aces. 7o# #e cheered #hen they spun. 7o# #e
shouted #hen they di(ed. 7o# #e applauded #hen one chap
got sliced in half by his o#n propeller. )ell, it&s all
part of the 4oke for those 'agnificent 'en in their
flying 'achines.
[ound of plane plu''eting, then crashing outside.!
BA For R'agnificent 'en&, read Rbiggest sho#offs since /ady
Godi(a entered the 8oyal Enclosure at Ascot clai'ing she
had literally nothing to #ear&. % don&t care ho# 'any
ti'es they go up-diddly-up-up, they&re still gits9
Baldrick Oh, co'e on, ir9 %&d lo(e to be a flier. ?p there #here
the air is clear.
BA The chances of the air being clear any#here near you,
Baldrick, are 3ero9
Baldrick Oh, ir. %t&d be great, s#ooping and di(ing.
[Baldrick starts his i'pression of a op#ith Ca'el.!
BA Baldrick . . .
[Baldrick drones on . . .!
BA Baldrick . . .
[Baldrick stops droning on as BA inter4ects a third ti'e.!
BA Baldrick, #hat are you doing$
Baldrick %&' a op#ith Ca'el, ir.
BA Oh, it is a op#ith Ca'el. Ah, right, % al#ays get confused
bet#een the sound of a op#ith Ca'el and the sound of a
'alodourous runt #asting e(erybodys ti'e. 5o# if you
can do #ithout 'e in the nursery for a #hile, %&' going
to get so'e fresh air.
[BA lea(es the dugout, picking up his pipe on the #ay out.!
cene @" %n The Trench
----------------------
[As he e'erges fro' the dugout BA sighs and prepares to light his pipe.
Duadron Co''ander /ord Flasheart 4u'ps do#n fro' his crashed plane.!
Flasheart 7a9 Eat knuckle, Frit39
[Flasheart knocks BA to the ground #ith his pistol, then puts a foot on
BA&s chest.!
Flasheart Aha9 7o# disgusting. A Boche on the sole of 'y boot.
% shall ha(e to find a patch of grass to #ipe it on.
<robably get shunned in the Officers& .ess. orry about
the pong you fello#s, trod in a Boche and can&t get rid
of the #hiff.
[BA rises.!
BA 6o you think #e could dispense #ith the hilarious doggy-do
'etaphor for a 'o'ent$ %&' not a Boche. This is a British
trench.
[Flasheart puts his pistol a#ay.!
Flasheart %s it$ Oh, that&s a piece of luck. Thought %&d landed
sausage-side9 7a9
[Flasheart picks up the recei(er of a field-telephone lying by the dugout
entrance.!
Flasheart .ind if % use your phone$ %f #ord gets out that %&'
'issing, fi(e hundred girls #ill kill the'sel(es. % #ouldn&t
#ant the' on 'y conscience, not #hen they ought to be on
'y face9 7uh9
[Flasheart kicks the phone into action.!
Flasheart 7i, Flasheart here. +eah, cancel the state funeral, tell
the 0ing to stop blubbing. Flash is not dead. % si'ply
ran out of 4uice9 +eah, and before all the girls start
saying *Oh, #hat&s the point of li(ing any'ore*, %&' talking
about petrol9 )oof, #oof9
+eah, % du'ped the kite on the proles, so send a car. Er,
General .elchett&s dri(er should do. he hangs around #ith
the big nobs, so she&ll be used to a fello# like 'e9 )oof,
#oof9
BA /ook, do you think you could 'ake your obscene phone call
so'e#here else$
[Flasheart is still on the phone and ignores BA.!
Flasheart 5o, not in half an hour, you rubber-desk 4ohnny. end the
bitch #ith the #heels right no# or %&ll fly back to
England and gi(e your #ife so'ething to hang her to#els on.
[Flasheart thro#s do#n the recei(er.!
Flasheart Okay, dig out your best boo3e and let&s talk about 'e
&til the car co'es. +ou 'ust be pretty i'pressed ha(ing
Duadron Co''ander the /ord Flasheart drop in on your
sDualid bit of line.
BA Actually, no. % #as 'ore i'pressed by the contents of 'y
handkerchief the last ti'e % ble# 'y nose.
Flasheart +eah, like hell. 7uh, huh. +ou&(e probably got little
piccies of 'e on the #alls of your dugout, ha(en&t you$
[Flasheart tickles the front of BA&s trousers.!
Flasheart % bet you go all girly and giggly e(ery ti'e you look at
'e.
[Flasheart t#ists BA&s Bohn Tho'as. BA HnaturallyI screa's.!
BA %&' afraid not. ?nfortunately, 'ost of the infantry think
you&re a prat. Ask the' #ho they&d prefer to 'eet"
Duadron Co''ander Flasheart and the 'an #ho cleans out
the public toilets in Aberdeen, and they&d go for )ee Bock
*<oo-<ong* .c<lop, e(ery ti'e.
[Flasheart laughs, then belts BA, knocking hi' to the floor.!
[Flasheart goes into the dugout.!
cene >" BA&s 6ugout
--------------------
[George and Baldrick are discussing the Flying Aces.!
George . . . so #hen that fello# looped-the-loop, % honestly
thought that, that, that . . .
[Flasheart enters, saluting. George sees hi'. BA enters behind Flasheart.!
George .y God9
Flasheart +es, % suppose % a'.
George /ord Flasheart, this is the greatest honour of 'y life.
% hope % snuff it right no# to preser(e this 'o'ent
fore(er.
BA %t can be arranged.
Baldrick /ord Flasheart, % #ant to learn to #rite so % can send a
letter ho'e about this golden 'o'ent.
Flasheart o all the fello#s hate 'e, eh$ 5ot a bit of it. %&'
your bloody hero, eh, old scout$
[Flasheart playfully scuffs up Baldrick&s hair, then notices that this
action has left so'ething unpleasant on his glo(e.!
Flasheart Besus9
[Flasheart #ipes his glo(e on BA&s shirt.!
Baldrick .y /ord, %&(e got e(ery cigarette card they e(er printed of
you. .y #hole fa'ily took up s'oking 4ust so that #e could
get the #hole set. .y grand'other s'oked herself to
death so #e could afford the albu'.
Flasheart Of course she did, of course she did, the poor lo(e-cra3ed
old octogenarian.
[Flasheart 'o(es to hug and kiss Baldrick, then thinks better of it.!
Flasheart )ell, all right, you fello#s. /et&s sit us do#n and yarn
about ho# a'a3ingly attracti(e % a'.
BA +es, #ould you e,cuse 'e for a 'o'ent$ %&(e got so'e
urgent business. There&s a bucket outside %&(e got to be
sick into.
[Flasheart takes the 'ickey out of BA&s holier-than-thou attitude.!
Flasheart All right, you chaps, let&s get co'fy.
[Flasheart sits do#n in chair. George sits do#n on BA&s cot. Flasheart
turns to Baldrick.!
Flasheart +ou look like a decent British bloke. %&ll park the old
booties on you if that&s okay.
Baldrick %t #ould be an honour, 'y /ord.
[Baldrick kneels do#n on all fours in front of Flasheart.!
Flasheart Of course it #ould9 7a9
[Flasheart rests his feet on Baldrick&s back and sighs.!
Flasheart 7a(e you any idea #hat it&s like to ha(e the #ind
rushing through your hair$
George 5o, ir.
[Flasheart breaks #ind in Baldrick&s face.!
Flasheart 7e has9
cene J" BA&s 6ugout
--------------------
[o'e ti'e has elapsed. Flasheart is regaling an enthralled George #ith
stories. BA is reading a copy of R0ing and Country& at the table,
uninterested in #hat Flasheart has to say.!
Flasheart . . . so % fle# straight through her bedroo' #indo#,
popped a bo, of chocs on the dressing table,
'achine-gunned 'y telephone nu'ber into the #all, and
then shot off and shagged her sister.
[As George creases up, Bobby <arkhurst enters the dugout.!
Bobby Ahe'. 6ri(er <arkhurst reporting for duty, 'y /ord . . .
Flasheart )ell, #ell, #ell. %f it isn&t little Bobby <arkhurst--
saucier than a direct hit on a 7ein3 factory.
Bobby %&(e co'e to pick you up.
Flasheart )ell, that&s ho# % like 'y girls--direct and to 'y point.
)oof9
Bobby )oof9
[Flasheart re'o(es his feet fro' Baldrick, grabs Bobby and puts her across
his lap and begins to snog her. 6uring the snog BA sarcastically checks
his #atch.!
Flasheart Ah9 Tally ho, then9 Back to the bar. +ou should 4oin
the Flying Corps, George. That&s the #ay to fight a #ar.
Tasty tuck, soft beds and a unifor' so s'art it&s got a
<h6 fro' Ca'bridge.
[Flasheart gestures at Baldrick.!
Flasheart +ou could e(en bring the breath 'onster here. Anyone can
be a na(igator if he can tell his arse fro' his elbo#.
BA )ell, that&s Baldrick out, % fear . . .
Flasheart )e&re al#ays looking for talented types to 4oin the
T#enty .inuters.
BA . . . and there goes George.
[Flasheart rises fro' the chair, lifting Bobby in his ar's.!
Flasheart Tally ho, then, Bobby. 7ush, here co'es a #hi33-bang and %
think you kno# #hat %&' talking about9 )oof9
Bobby )oof9
[Flasheart and Bobby lea(e.!
BA God, it&s like Crufts in here9
[Baldrick and George stand.!
George % say, ir. )hat a splendid notion. The T#enty .inuters.
oft tucker, tasty beds, fluffy unifor's.
Baldrick Begging your per'ission, ir, but #hy do they call the' the
T#enty .inuters$
George Ah, no#, yes, . . .
[George 'o(es across the dugout to get his card albu'.!
George . . . no# this one is in 'y Brooke Bond RBook of the Air&.
[George returns to the cot and sits do#n.!
George 5o#, you ha(e to collect all the cards and then stick the'
into this #onderful presentation booklet. Er . . .
[Baldrick sits do#n ne,t to George.!
George Ah, here #e are" T#enty .inuters. Oh, da'n9 7a(en&t got
the card yet. Ah, but the caption says RT#enty 'inutes is
the a(erage a'ount of ti'e ne# pilots spend in the air.&
BA T#enty 'inutes.
George That&s right, ir.
BA % had a t#enty hour #atch yesterday, #ith four hours
o(erti'e, in t#o feet of #ater.
[George, then Baldrick, rise fro' the cot and 'o(e to the table.!
George )ell then, for goodness sake, ir, #hy don&t #e 4oin$
Baldrick +eah, be better than 4ust sitting around here all day on our
elbo#s.
BA 5o thank you. 5o thank you. % ha(e no desire to hang
around #ith a bunch of upper-class delinDuents, do t#enty
'inutes #ork, and then spend the rest of the day loafing
about in <aris drinking gallons of cha'pagne and ha(ing
do3ens of 'oist, pink, highly-e,perienced young French
peasant girls galloping up and do#n 'y . . . 7ang on9
cene K" Captain 6arling&s Office
---------------------------------
[Captain 6arling is #riting at his desk. There is a knock at the office door.!
6arling Co'e9
[BA enters the office.!
6arling Ah, Captain Blackadder.
BA Good 'orning, Captain 6arling.
6arling )hat do you #ant$
BA +ou&re looking so #ell.
6arling %&' a busy 'an, Blackadder. /et&s hear it, #hate(er it is.
BA )ell, you kno#, 6arling, e(ery . . . e(ery 'an has a
drea' . . .
6arling 7''' . . .
BA . . . and #hen % #as a s'all boy, % used to #atch the 'arsh
#arblers s#ooping in 'y 'others undercroft, and % re'e'ber
thinking R)ill 'en e(er dare do the sa'e$& And you kno# . . .
[6arling rises fro' his desk.!
6arling Oh, you #ant to 4oin the 8oyal Flying Corps$
BA Oh, that&s a thought. Could %$
6arling 5o, you couldn&t9 Goodbye9
[6arling sits back do#n.!
BA /ook, co'e on, 6arling, 4ust gi(e 'e an application for'.
6arling %t&s out of the Duestion. This is si'ply a ruse to #aste
fi(e 'onths of training after #hich you&ll clai' you can&t
fly after all because it 'akes your ears go Rpop&. Co'e on,
% #asn&t born yesterday, Blackadder.
BA .ore&s the pity, #e could ha(e started your personality fro'
scratch. o, the training period is fi(e 'onths, is it$
6arling %t&s no concern of yours if it&s fi(e years and co'es #ith a
free holiday in Tunisia, contracepti(es supplied. Besides,
they #ouldn&t ad'it you. %t&s not easy getting transfers,
you kno#.
[6arling returns to his #ork.!
BA Oh, you&(e tried it yourself, ha(e you$
[6arling breaks his pencil.!
6arling 5o, % ha(en&t.
BA Trust you to try and ski(e off to so'e cushy option.
6arling There&s nothing cushy about life in the )o'ens Au,iliary
Balloon Corps.
[BA raises his eyebro#s at this.!
6arling Ah . . .
[The door to General .elchett&s office opens and the General and George
enter. BA and 6arling snap to attention. BA salutes.!
George . . . and then the bishop said *%&' a#fully sorry, %
didn&t realise you 'eant organist.*
[.elchett chortles.!
.elchett Thank you, George. At ease, e(eryone. 5o#, #here&s 'y
'ap$ Co'e on.
6arling ir9
[6arling hands .elchett his 'ap.!
.elchett Thank you.
[.elchett unfurls the 'ap the #rong #ay.!
.elchett God, it&s a barren, featureless desert out there, isn&t it.
6arling The other side, ir9
[.elchett turns the 'ap o(er. BA turns to George.!
BA 7ello, George. )hat are you doing here$
George .e, ir$ % 4ust popped in to 4oin the 8oyal Flying Corps.
[.elchett looks up fro' his 'ap.!
.elchett 7ello, Blackadder. )hat are you doing here$
BA .e, ir$ % 4ust popped in to 4oin the 8oyal Flying Corps.
6arling And, of course, % said . . .
.elchett Bra(o, % hope, 6arling. Because, you kno#, %&(e al#ays had
'y doubts about you trenchy-type fello#s. Al#ays suspected
there 'ight be a bit too 'uch of the battle-dodging,
nappy-#earing, %&d-rather-ha(e-a-cup-of-tea-than-charge-
stark-naked-at-Berry about you. But if you&re #illing to
4oin the T#enty .inuters then you&re all right by 'e and
#elco'e to 'arry 'y sister any day.
6arling Are you sure about this, ir$
.elchett Certainly, you should hear the noise she 'akes #hen she eats
a boiled egg. Be glad to get her out of the house. o,
report back here ;L";; hours for your basic training.
cene M" Captain 6arling&s Office
---------------------------------
[%t is the ne,t 'orning. 6arling&s office has been set out #ith chairs and
there is a blackboard #ith a chalk picture of a op#ith Ca'el on it. BA and
George are in the front ro# of seats. There are three other trainees.
6arling is at his desk at the back.!
George Crikey9 %&' looking for#ard to today. ?p-diddly-up,
do#n-diddly-do#n, #hoops-poop, t#iddly-dee, a decent scrap
#ith the fiendish 8ed Baron, a bit of a 4olly old crash
landing behind ene'y lines, capture, torture, escape and
then back ho'e in ti'e for tea and 'edals.
BA George, #ho&s using the fa'ily brain-cell at the 'o'ent$
This is 4ust the beginning of the training. The beginning
of fi(e long 'onths of (ery cle(er, (ery dull 'en looking
at 'achinery.
[Flasheart is heard in the corridor.!
Flasheart 7ey, girls9 /ook at 'y 'achinery9
[The sound of screa'ing #o'en is heard fro' the corridor. Flasheart enters
6arling&s office, 3ipping up his flys. 7e is carrying a stick. All present
rise to attention.!
Flasheart Enter a 'an #ho has no under#ear. Ask 'e #hy.
All e,cept BA )hy do you ha(e no under#ear, /ord Flash$
Flasheart Because the pants ha(en&t been built yet that&ll take the
4ob on.
[Flasheart perfor's a groinal thrust.!
Flasheart And that&s the type of guy #ho&s doing the training around
here. it do#n9
[All sit. Flasheart notices BA.!
Flasheart )ell, #ell, #ell, #ell, #ell. %f it isn&t old Captain
lack Bladder.
BA Blackadder.
Flasheart Couldn&t resist it, eh, lack Bladder$ Told you you thought
% #as great. All right 'en, let&s do-oo-oo it9 The first
thing to re'e'ber is" al#ays treat your kite . . .
[Flasheart taps the picture of the op#ith Ca'el #ith his stick.!
Flasheart . . . like you treat your #o'an9
[Flasheart #hips the air #ith his cane.!
George 7o#, ho# do you 'ean, ir$ 6o you 'ean, do you 'ean take her
ho'e at #eekends to 'eet your 'other$
Flasheart 5o, % 'ean get inside her fi(e ti'es a day and take her to
hea(en and back.
[George s'irks.!
BA %&' beginning to see #hy the uffragette .o(e'ent #ant the
(ote.
Flasheart 7ey, hey9 Any bird #ho #ants to chain herself to 'y railings
and suffer a 4et 'o(e'ent gets 'y (ote. Er, right. )ell,
%&ll see you in ten 'inutes for take-off.
[Flasheart begins to lea(e.!
BA 7ang on, hang on9 )hat about the 'onths of training$
Flasheart 7ey, #et-pants9 This isn&t the )o'ens Au,iliary Balloon
Corps. +ou&re in the T#enty .inuters no#.
[6arling stands up.!
6arling Er, ir . . .
Flasheart +es . . .
6arling . . . ir9
Flasheart . . . <rat at the back9
6arling % think #e&d all be intrigued to kno# #hy you&re called the
T#enty .inuters.
George Oh, .ister Thicko. %'agine not kno#ing that.
Flasheart )ell, it&s si'ple9 The a(erage life e,pectancy for a ne#
pilot is t#enty 'inutes.
6arling Ah . . .
[6arling sits.!
BA /ife e,pectancy . . . of t#enty 'inutes . . .
Flasheart That&s right. Goggles on, chocks a#ay, last one back&s a
ho'o9 7urray9
[Flasheart runs out of the roo'.!
Trainee <ilots 7urray9
[Trainee <ilots run after Flasheart.!
BA o, #e take off in ten 'inutes, #e&re in the air for t#enty
'inutes, #hich 'eans #e should be dead by t#enty fi(e to ten.
George 7airy blighters, ir. This is a bit of a turn-up for the
plus fours.
[6arling rises and 'o(es to the door.!
6arling % shouldn&t #orry about it too 'uch, Blackadder. Flying&s
all about na(igation. As long as you&(e got a good na(igator
%&' sure you&ll be fine.
[6arling sniggers as he opens the door to re(eal Baldrick in flying gear.
Baldrick enters. 6arling lea(es.!
cene L" %n The Air
-------------------
[BA and Baldrick are flying in a op#ith Ca'el. George is another Ca'el.!
BA Actually, they&re right. This is a doddle.
Baldrick Careful, ir9
BA )hoops, #hoops, a little #obble there. %&ll get the hang
of it, don&t #orry. All right, Baldrick, ho# 'any rounds
ha(e #e got$
Baldrick Er, fi(e hundred, ir. Cheese and to'ato for you, rat for
'e.
George Tally-bally ho9
Baldrick )hat&s this$
[Baldrick cli'bs out of his seat.!
BA Baldrick9 Baldrick9 )ill you stop arsing about and get back
in the plane9
Baldrick Ooh, ooh, ooh9 7ey, ir, % can see a pretty red plane fro'
up here. 7a ha9 )oo #oo9
(on 8ichtho(en chnell9 6a unten9 7a ha ha9
[(on 8ichtho(en shoots out one of the #ing-supports on Blackadders aircraft.!
BA Oh no9 )atch out, Baldrick, it&s stood right on our tail.
+es, no# this is de(eloping into a distinctly boring
situation, but #e&re still on our side of the line so %&ll
crash-land and clai' 'y ears #ent Rpop& first ti'e out.
Baldrick Ooh, let&s hope #e fall on so'ething soft9
BA Fine. %&ll try and ai' bet#een General .elchett&s ears9
cene N;" A Ger'an <rison Cell
------------------------------
[BA is pacing about the cell. Baldrick is seated.!
BA % don&t belie(e it. A Ger'an prison cell. For t#o and a
half years the )estern Front has been as likely to 'o(e as a
French'an #ho li(es ne,t door to a brothel, and last night the
Ger'ans ad(ance a 'ile and #e land on the #rong side.
Baldrick Ooh, dear, Captain B, 'y tu''y&s gone all sDuirty.
BA That 'eans you&re scared, Baldrick, and you&re not the only
one. % couldn&t be 'ore petrified if a #ild rhinoceros had
4ust co'e ho'e fro' a hard day at the s#a'p and found 'e
#earing his py4a'as, s'oking his cigars and in bed #ith his
#ife.
Baldrick %&(e heard #hat these Ger'ans #ill do, ir. They&ll ha(e
their #icked #ay #ith anything of #o'an-born.
BA )ell, in that case, Baldrick, you&re Duite safe. 7o#e(er,
the Teutonic reputation for brutality is #ell-founded" their
operas last three or four days2 and they ha(e no #ord
for Rfluffy&.
Baldrick % #ant 'y 'u'9
BA +es, it&d be good to see her. % should i'agine a 'aternally-
outraged gorilla could be a useful ally #hen it co'es to the
final scrap.
[Footsteps are heard outside the cell.!
BA <repare to die like a 'an, Baldrick.
[Baldrick stands.!
BA Or as close as you can co'e to a 'an #ithout actually
sha(ing the pal's of your hands.
[The door opens and Oberleutnant (on Gerhardt enters.!
(on Gerhardt Good e(ening. % a' Oberleutnant (on Gerhardt. % ha(e
a 'essage fro' the Baron (on 8ichtho(en, the greatest li(ing
Ger'an.
BA )hich, considering that his co'petition consists entirely
of (ery fat 'en in leather shorts burping to the tune of
Rhe&ll Be Co'ing 8ound The .ountain&, is no great
achie(e'ent.
(on Gerhardt =uiet9
[(on Gerhardt slaps Baldrick across the face. Baldrick falls against the
#all.!
BA And #hat is your 'essage$
(on Gerhardt %t is" <repare for a fate #orse than death, English flying
fello#.
BA Oh. o, it&s the traditional #ar' Ger'an #elco'e.
(on Gerhardt Correct. Also, he is saying" 6o not try to escape or you
#ill suffer e(en #orse.
BA A fate #orse than a fate #orse than death$ ounds pretty bad.
cene NN" Captain 6arling&s Office
----------------------------------
[George and 6arling are arguing loudly, there is confused chatter.!
George +es #ell, you see, it&s all (ery #ell for you, isn&t it,
sitting here behind yer, behind yer, behind yer co'fy desk.
6arling 6on&t you take that tone #ith 'e, /ieutenant, or %&ll ha(e
you on a charge for insurbordination.
George )ell, %&d rather be on a charge for insubordination than on a
charge of deserting a friend.
6arling 7o# dare you talk to 'e like that9
George 7o# dare % . . .$
[General .elchett, attracted by the noise, enters fro' his office.!
.elchett 5o#, then, no# then, no#, no#, then, no# then, no# then,
then no#, no#, no# then. )hat&s going on here$
6arling That da'n fool Blackadder has crashed his plane behind ene'y
lines, ir. This young idiot #ants to go and try rescue hi'.
%t&s a total #aste of 'en and eDuip'ent.
George 7e&s not a da'n fool, ir, he&s a bally hero.
.elchett All right. All right, all right, all right. %&ll deal #ith
this, 6arling. 6elicate touch needed, % fancy.
[.elchett takes George o(er to the fireplace.!
.elchett 5o#, George. 6o you re'e'ber #hen % ca'e do#n to (isit you
#hen you #ere a nipper for your si,th birthday$ +ou used to
ha(e a lo(ely little rabbit. Beautiful little thing. 6o you
re'e'ber$
George Flossy.
.elchett That&s right. Flossy. 6o you re'e'ber #hat happened to
Flossy$
George +ou shot hi'.
.elchett That&s right. %t #as the kindest thing to do after he&d been
run o(er by that car.
George By your car, ir.
.elchett +es, by 'y car. But that too #as an act of 'ercy #hen you
#ould re'e'ber that that dog had been set on hi'.
George +our dog, ir.
.elchett +es, yes, 'y dog. But #hat %&' trying to say, George, is
that the state young Flossy #as in after #e&d scraped hi' off
'y front tyre is (ery 'uch the state that young Blackadder
#ill be in no#. %f not (ery nearly dead, then (ery actually
dead.
George <er'ission for lip to #obble, ir$
.elchett <er'ission granted.
[George&s lips #obble.!
.elchett tout fello#.
George But surely, ir, you 'ust allo# 'e to at least try and sa(e
hi'.
.elchett 5o, George. %t #ould be as pointless as trying to teach a
#o'an the (alue of a good, for#ard defensi(e stroke. Besides,
it #ould take a super'an to get hi' out of there, not the
kind of #eed #ho blubs 4ust because so'ebody gi(es hi' a slice
of rabbit pie instead of birthday cake.
George )ell, % suppose you&re right, ir.
.elchett Course % a'. 5o# let&s talk about so'ething 'ore 4olly,
shall #e$ /ook, this is the a'ount of land #e&(e
recaptured since yesterday.
[.elchett and George 'o(e o(er to the 'ap table.!
George Oh, e,cellent.
.elchett Er', #hat is the actual scale of this 'ap, 6arling$
6arling Er', one-to-one, ir.
.elchett Co'e again$
6arling Er, the 'ap is actually life-si3e, ir. %t&s superbly
detailed. /ook, look, there&s a little #or'.
.elchett Oh, yes. o the actual a'ount of land retaken is$
[6arling #hips out a tape 'easure a'd 'easures the table.!
6arling E,cuse 'e, ir. e(enteen sDuare feet, ir.
.elchett E,cellent. o you see, young Blackadder didn&t die horribly
in (ain after all.
George %f he did die, ir.
6arling Tch9
.elchett That&s the spirit, George. %f nothing else #orks, then a
total pig-headed un#illingness to look facts in the face
#ill see us through.
cene N:" A Ger'an <rison Cell
------------------------------
[BA is seated. Baldrick is sitting on the floor. There is a 4angling of
keys, the cell door opens and the 8ed Baron enters.!
(on 8ichtho(en o9 % a' the 8ed Baron (on 8ichtho(en and you are the t#o
English flying aces responsible for the spilling of the
precious Ger'an blood of 'any of 'y finest and 'y
blondest friends. % ha(e #aited 'any 'onths to do this.
[(on 8ichtho(en kisses BA on both cheeks.!
BA +ou 'ay ha(e been right, Balders. /ooks like #e&re going
to get rogered to death after all.
Baldrick 6o you #ant 'e to go first, ir$
[(on 8ichtho(en laughs.!
(on 8ichtho(en +ou English and your sense of hu'our. 6uring your brief
stay % look for#ard to learning 'ore of your #it, your
punning and your a'using 4okes about the breaking of the #ind.
BA )ell, Baldrick&s the e,pert there.
Baldrick % certainly a', ir.
[(on 8ichtho(en laughs.!
(on 8ichtho(en 7o# lucky you English are to find the toilet so a'using.
For us, it is a 'undane and functional ite'. For you, the
basis of an entire culture.
[Baldrick laughs, (on 8ichtho(en slaps hi' in the face.!
(on 8ichtho(en % 'ust no# tell you of the full horror of #hat a#aits you.
BA Ah, you see, Balders. 6ress it up in any a'ount of po'pous
(erbal diarrhoea, and the 'essage is RDuareheads do#n for
the big Boche gang-bang&.
(on 8ichtho(en As an officer and a gentle'an, you #ill be looking for#ard
to a Duick and noble death.
BA )ell, ob(iously.
(on 8ichtho(en But, instead, an e(en #orse fate a#aits you. To'orro#, you
#ill be taken back to Ger'any . . .
BA 7ere it co'es9
(on 8ichtho(en . . . to a con(ent school, outside 7eidelberg, #here you #ill
spend the rest of the #ar teaching the young girls ho'e
econo'ics.
BA Er . . .
(on 8ichtho(en For you, as a 'an of honour, the hu'iliation #ill be
unbearable.
BA Oh, % think you&ll find #e&re tougher than you i'agine.
(on 8ichtho(en 7a9 % can tell ho# 'uch you are suffering by your long
faeces.
BA )e&re not suffering too 'uch to say Rthank you&. Thank you.
ay Rthank you&, Baldrick.
Baldrick Thank you, Baldrick.
[(on 8ichtho(en laughs.!
(on 8ichtho(en 7o# a'using. But no#, forgi(e 'e. % 'ust take to the skies
once again. Cery funny. The noble /ord Flasheart still
eludes 'e.
BA % think you&ll find he&s o(errated. Bad breath and . . .
i'potent, they say.
[(on 8ichtho(en laughs.!
(on 8ichtho(en e,ual innuendo.
[(on 8ichtho(en laughs.!
(on 8ichtho(en But enough of this. As you say in England, % 'ust fly.
[(on 8ichtho(en laughs.!
(on 8ichtho(en <erhaps % #ill 'aster this hu'our after all, 4a$
BA % #ouldn&t be too opto'istic.
(on 8ichtho(en Oh, and the little fello#, if you get lonely in the night,
%&' in the old chateau. There&s no pressure.
[(on 8ichtho(en starts to lea(e. As he 'o(es up the steps to the cell door
he prat-falls and laughs.!
(on 8ichtho(en <rat-fall9
[(on 8ichtho(en lea(es the cell, laughing as he goes.!
Baldrick %s it really true, ir$ %s the #ar really o(er for us$
BA +up9 Out of the #ar and teaching nuns ho# to boil eggs.
For us, the Great )ar is finito. A #ar that #ould be a da'n
sight si'pler if #e&d 4ust stayed in England and shot fifty
thousand of our 'en a #eek. 5o 'ore 'ud, death, rats, bo'bs,
shrapnel, #hi33-bangs, barbed #ire and those bloody a#ful
songs that ha(e the #ord R#hoops& in the title.
[BA notices that the cell door has been left a4ar.!
BA Oh, da'n9 7e&s, he&s left the door open.
Baldrick Oh, good9 )e can escape, ir.
BA Are you 'ad, Baldrick$ %&ll find so'eone to lock it for us.
[BA opens the door to find George standing there.!
George sh9 0eep-ee9 .u'&s the #ord9 5ot &arf, or #hat$
[BA shuts the door in George&s face.!
Baldrick ir, #hy did you 4ust sla' the door on /ieutenant George$
BA % can&t belie(e it. Go a#ay9
[George pushes the door open and enters the cell.!
George %t&s 'e. %t&s 'e.
BA But #hat the hell are you doing here$
George Oh, ne(er 'ind the ho#s, and the #hys and the do-you-'ind-
if-%-don&ts.
BA But it #ould ha(e taken a super'an to get in here.
George )ell, it&s funny you should say that, because as it
happens % did ha(e so'e help fro' a rather spiffing bloke.
7e&s taken a break fro' so'e crucial top-le(el shagging.
[Flasheart s'ashes through the cell door, s#inging on a rope. As he lands,
he tru'pets his o#n arri(al.!
Flasheart %t&s 'e. 7urray9
George and Baldrick
7urray9
[Flasheart s'ashes Baldrick in the face. Baldrick falls to the floor.!
Flasheart God&s potatoes, George. +ou said noble brother friars #ere
in the lurch. %f %&d kno#n you 'eant old lack Bladder and
the 'ound of the hound of the Basker(illes, %&d probably
ha(e let the' ste# in their o#n 4uice.
[Baldrick rises.!
Flasheart And let 'e tell you, if % e(er tried that, %&d probably
dro#n.
[Baldrick laughs. Flasheart laughs and s'acks Baldrick in the face.
Baldrick #ings floor-#ard again.!
Flasheart till, since %&' here, % 'ay as #ell do-oo it, as the
Bishop said to the netball tea'. Co'e on, chu's9
[Flasheart runs out of the cell, follo#ed by George and Baldrick. BA sits
do#n and begins to 'oan, faking an in4ury.!
BA Aah9 O#9 Aah9
[Flasheart runs back into the cell, follo#ed by George and Baldrick.!
Flasheart Co'e on.
BA +es, yes. /ook, %&' sorry, chaps, but %&(e splintered 'y
pancreas. Er', and % see' to ha(e this terrible cough.
[BA fakes a couple of coughs.!
BA Coff-guards9 Coff-guards9
Flasheart )ait, #ait, #ait, #ait, #ait a 'inute. 5o# % 'ay be
packing the kind of tackle that you&d nor'ally e,pect to find
s#inging about bet#een the hindlegs of a Grand 5ational
#inner, but %&' not totally stupid, and %&(e got the kind of
feeling you&d rather #e hadn&t co'e.
BA 5o, no, no, %&' (ery grateful. %t&s 4ust that %&d slo# you
up.
Flasheart % think %&' beginning to understand.
BA Are . . . are you$
Flasheart Bust because % can gi(e 'ultiple orgas's to the furniture
4ust by sitting on it, doesn&t 'ean that %&' not sick of this
da'n #ar" the blood, the noise, the endless poetry.
BA %s that really #hat you think, Flasheart$
[Flasheart #hips out his pistol and threatens BA.!
Flasheart Course it&s not #hat % think. 5o# get out that door before
% redecorate that #all an interesting ne# colour called
Rhint of brain&.
BA E,cellent. )ell, that&s clear. /et&s get back to that
lo(ely #ar, then9
Flasheart )oof9
George )oof9
Baldrick Bark9
[As the group 'o(es to lea(e, (on 8ichtho(en appears at the cell door.!
(on 8ichtho(en 5ot so fast, Blackadder.
BA Oh, da'n9 Foiled again9 )hat bad luck9
[(on 8ichtho(en enters the cell.!
(on 8ichtho(en Ah, and the /ord Flasheart. This is indeed an honour.
Finally, the t#o greatest gentle'an fliers in the #orld 'eet.
T#o 'en of honour, #ho ha(e 4ousted together in the
cloud-stre#n glory of the skies, face to face at last. 7o#
often % ha(e rehearsed this 'o'ent of destiny in 'y drea's.
The panoply to encapsulate the unspoken nobility of a
co'radeship.
[Flasheart shoots (on 8ichtho(en.!
Flasheart )hat a poof9 Co'e on9
[All e,it the cell, cheering.!
cene NG" Captain 6arling&s Office
----------------------------------
[6arling is dusting the office door. BA opens the door in 6arling&s face.!
BA 7ello, 6arling.
[6arling retreats back#ards to#ards his desk as BA enters.!
6arling Good /ord. Captain Blackadder. % thought, % thought you
#ere . . .
BA <laying tennis$
6arling 5o.
BA 6ead$
6arling )ell, yes, unfortunately.
BA )ell, % had a lucky escape. 5o thanks to you. This is a
friend of 'ine.
[Flasheart is standing on 6arling&s desk. 6arling turns around and finds
hi'self staring at Flasheart&s crotch.!
6arling Argh9
Flasheart 7i, creep.
BA Flasheart, this is Captain 6arling.
Flasheart Captain 6arling$ Funny na'e for a guy, isn&t it$
[Flasheart 4u'ps do#n fro' the desk.!
Flasheart /ast person % called R6arling& #as pregnant t#enty seconds
later. 7ear you couldn&t be bothered to help old lacky
here.
6arling Er, #ell, it . . . it #asn&t Duite that, ir. %t&s 4ust
that #e #eighed up the pros and cons, and decided it #asn&t a
reasonable use of our ti'e and resources.
Flasheart )ell, this isn&t a reasonable use of 'y ti'e and resources,
but %&' going to do it any#ay.
6arling )hat$
Flasheart This9
[Flasheart head-butts 6arling. 6arling groans and falls back#ards across his
desk.!
Flasheart All right, lacky9 All right, lacky9 %&(e got to fly.
T#o 'illion chicks, only one Flasheart. And re'e'ber, if
you #ant so'ething, take it. Bobby9
[Bobby enters the office and salutes.!
Bobby .y /ord9
Flasheart % #ant so'ething9
Bobby Take it9
Flasheart )oof9
[Bobby starts to unbutton her top as she lea(es the office, follo#ed by
Flasheart.!
BA Git9
[General .elchett enters fro' his office.!
.elchett Ah, Blackadder. o you escaped.
BA +es, ir.
.elchett Bra(o9
[.elchett notices the unconcious 6arling.!
.elchett 6on&t slouch, 6arling.
BA % #as #ondering #hether, ha(ing been tortured by the 'ost
(icious sadist in the Ger'an ar'y, % 'ight be allo#ed a
#eek&s lea(e to recuperate, ir.
.elchett E,cellent idea. +our co''anding officer #ould ha(e to be
stark ra(ing 'ad to refuse you.
BA )ell, you are 'y co''anding officer.
.elchett )ell$
BA Can % ha(e a #eek&s lea(e to recuperate, ir$
.elchett Certainly not9
BA Thank you, ir.
.elchett Baaaaaa9
Captain Ed'und Blackadder
8O)A5 AT0%5O5
<ri(ate . Baldrick
TO5+ 8OB%5O5
General ir Anthony Cecil
7og'anay .elchett
TE<7E5 F8+
/ieutenant the 7onourable
George Colthurst t. Barleigh
7?G7 /A?8%E
Captain 0e(in 6arling
T%. .c%55E85+
Duadron Co''ander
/ord Flasheart
8%0 .A+A//
Baron (on 8ichtho(en
A68%A5 E6.O56O5
/ieutenant (on Gerhardt
7?GO E. B/AC0
6ri(er <arkhurst
GAB8%E//E G/A%TE8
Title .usic
Co'posed and Arranged by
7O)A86 GOO6A//
<layed by
The Band of the Grd Battalion
The 8oyal Anglian 8egi'ent
HThe <o'padoursI
Band'aster
)O% T%. <A80%5O5
<FBr. J@KLML /ibotte, B
CisFE. NN;N@G Turner, 8
TechFCo. GJ@;;K Chislett, .
CF6gr. GJMM;K 7ardinge, A
.F? 6gr. MJ:J@N 5oble, C
GF6gr. N:N>MK .cCallu', G
CF. @:;GK: Abbott, C
CTE. JN@LMN )ads#orth, C
C'F. M@NM@: 7oare, B
F(r. KGGKGN 6eane, .
/F6r. LMM:N: Barber, 7
<F.gr. G:G@KJ Cooper, 6
<FAtt. NN@:;L harples, C
AF. >:LJN@ 0ennedy, B
6gr. @;@GKN 7ull, C
6ir. :G:@NM Boden, 8
<rd. >LKJ;: /loyd, B
HcI BBC t( .C./AAA%A
Blackadder Goes Forth -- Episode J2 Goodbyeee
by 8ichard Curtis and Ben Elton
---------------------------------------------
Transcribed by CN:MB?AA

[5ote" pelling has been checked for the #ords RTanganyika& and R)atusi&,
but R.boto& is a guess. Any help on that one #ould be appreciated. trangely,
)atusi are described here as pyg'y #arriors, #hereas in reality they are tall
#arriors.!

Originally perfor'ed by"

8o#an Atkinson as Captain Ed'und Blackadder
Tony 8obinson as <ri(ate Baldrick
tephen Fry as General ir Anthony Cecil 7og'anay .elchett
7ugh /aurie as /ieutenant The 7onourable George Colthurst t. Barleigh
Ti' .c%nnerny as Captain 0e(in 6arling

#ith special guest brass hat"

Geoffrey <al'er as Field .arshal ir 6ouglas 7aig


Hin the trench, it&s rainingI

George" Care for a s'oke, sir$

Ed'und" 5o, thank you, %&'... Hhe lights his o#n pipeI

George" <ri(ate$

Baldrick" Htaking cigarette fro' GeorgeI Oh, thank you, sir.
Hbegins to eat the cigaretteI

George" Oh, dash and blast all this hanging about, sir9 %&' as bored as
a pacifist pistol. )hen are #e going to see so'e action$

Ed'und" )ell, George, % strongly suspect that your long #ait for certain
death is nearly at an end. urely you 'ust ha(e noticed so'ething
in the air...

George" )ell, yes, of course, but % thought that #as <ri(ate Baldrick.

Ed'und" ?nless %&' (ery 'uch 'istaken, soon #e #ill at last be 'aking the
final Big <ush -- that one #e&(e been so looking for#ard to all
these years.

George" )ell, hurrah #ith highly polished brass knobs on9 About ti'e9

Hphone rings #ithin Baldrick&s backpack, Ed'und ans#ers itI

Ed'und" 7ello2 the o''e <ublic Baths -- no running, shouting, or piddling in
the shallo# end. Ah, Captain 6arling. To'orro# at da#n. Oh, e,cellent.
ee you later, then. Bye. Hhangs upI Gentle'en, our long #ait is
nearly at an end. To'orro# 'orning, General %nsanity .elchett in(ites
you to a 'ass slaughter. )e&re going o(er the top.

George" )ell, hu33ah and hurrah9 God a(e the 0ing, 8ule Britannia,
and Boo ucks the 7airy 7un9

Ed'und" Or, to put it 'ore precisely" you&re going o(er the top2 %&' getting
out of here. Hgoes inside dugoutI

George" Hfollo#s Ed'und inI Oh, no#, co'e on, Cap9 %t 'ay be a bit risky
Htries to speak in a rousing Cockney dialect, but fails 'iserablyI,
but it sure is bloo'in&ell #orth it, go(&nor9

Ed'und" 7o# could it possibly be #orth it$ )e&(e been sitting here since
Christ'as NLN@, during #hich 'illions of 'en ha(e died, and #e&(e
ad(anced no further than an asths'atic ant #ith so'e hea(y shopping.

George" )ell, but this ti'e %&' absolutely pos #e&ll break through9 %t&s
ice crea' in Berlin in N> days.

Ed'und" Or ice cold in 5o .an&s /and in N> seconds. 5o, the ti'e has co'e
to get out of this 'adness once and for all.

George" )hat 'adness is that$

Ed'und" For God&s sake, George, ho# long ha(e you been in the ar'y$

George" Oh 'e$ % 4oined up straight a#ay, sir. August the @th, NLN@. Gah, #hat
a day that #as" 'yself and the rest of the fello#s leapfrogging do#n
to the Ca'bridge recruiting office and then playing tiddly#inks in the
Dueue. )e had ha''ered O,ford&s tiddly#inkers only the #eek before,
and there #e #ere, off to ha''er the Boche9 Crashingly superb bunch of
blokes. Fine, clean-li'bed -- e(en their acne had a strange nobility
about it.

Ed'und" +es, and ho# are all the boys no#$

George" )ell, er, Backo and the Badger bought it at the first +pres front,
unfortunately -- Duite a shock, that. % re'e'ber Bu'fluff&s house-
'aster #rote and told 'e that ticky had been out for a duck, and the
Gubber had snitched a parcel sausage-end and gone goose-o(er-stu'p
frogside.

Ed'und" .eaning...$

George" % don&t kno#, sir, but % read in the Ti'es that they&d both been
killed.

Ed'und" And Bu'fluff hi'self...$

George" Copped a packet at Galipoli #ith the Aussies -- so had 6rippy and
trangely Bro#n. % re'e'ber #e heard on the first 'orning of the
o''e #hen Titch and .r Floppy got gassed back to Blighty.

Ed'und" )hich lea(es...$

George" Gosh, yes, %, % suppose %&' the only one of the Trinity Tiddlers
still ali(e. H/u''y$I, there&s a thought -- and not a 4olly one.

Ed'und" .y point e,actly, George.

George" A chap 'ight get a bit H'i33$I -- if it #asn&t the thought of going
o(er the top to'orro#9 8ight, sir" <er'ission to get #ea(ing...

Ed'und" <er'ission granted.

George" Thank you, sir.

Ed'und" Baldrick9

Baldrick" HenteringI Captain B9

Ed'und" This is a crisis. A large crisis. %n fact, if you&(e got a 'o'ent,
it&s a t#el(e-storey crisis #ith a 'agnificent entrance hall,
carpetting throughout, :@-hour portrage, and an enor'ous sign on
the roof, saying RThis %s a /arge Crisis&. A large crisis reDuires
a large plan. Get 'e t#o pencils and a pair of underpants.


H/ater, Ed'und #ears underpants on his head #ith t#o pencils up his noseI

Ed'und" 8ight, Baldrick, this is an old trick % picked up in the udan. )e
tell 7= that %&(e gone insane, and %&ll be in(alided back to Blighty
before you can say *)ooble* -- a poor gor'less idiot.

Baldrick" But %&' a poor gor'less idiot, sir, and %&(e ne(er been in(alided
back to Blighty.

Ed'und" +es, Baldrick, but you&(e ne(er said *)ooble.* 5o#, ask 'e so'e si'ple
Duestions.

Baldrick" 8ight. )hat is your na'e$

Ed'und" )ooble...

Baldrick" )hat is t#o plus t#o$

Ed'und" Oh, #ooble #ooble.

Baldrick" )here do you li(e$

Ed'und" /ondon.

Baldrick" Eh$

Ed'und" A s'all (illage on .ars, 4ust outside the capital city, )ooble.

George" HentersI All the 'en present and correct, sir. 8eady for the off, eh$

Ed'und" %&' afraid not, /ieutenant2 %&' 4ust off to 7artleypool to buy so'e
e,ploding trousers.

George" Co'e again, sir -- ha(e you gone barking 'ad$

Ed'und" +es, George, % ha(e. Cluck, cluck, gibber, gibber, 'y old 'an&s
a 'ushroo', et cetera. Go send a runner to tell General .elchett that
your captain has gone insane and 'ust return to England at once.

George" But, sir, ho# utterly ghastly for you9 % 'ean, #ell, you&ll 'iss the
#hole rest of the #ar9

Ed'und" +es, (ery bad luck. Beep9

George" 8ight.

Ed'und" Beep9

George" Baldrick, %&ll be back as soon as % can.

Ed'und" <ah-pah9

George" )hate(er you do, don&t e,cite hi'. Hlea(esI

Ed'und" Hre'o(ing the pencils, looks at BaldrickI Fat chance9 5o#, all #e
ha(e to do is #ait. Baldrick, fi, us so'e coffee, #ill you$ And try
to 'ake it taste slightly less like 'ud this ti'e.

Baldrick" 5ot easy, %&' afraid, Captain.

Ed'und" )hy is this$

Baldrick" &cause it is 'ud. )e ran out of coffee thirteen 'onths ago.

Ed'und" o e(ery ti'e %&(e drunk your coffee since, % ha(e in fact been
drinking hot 'ud...

Baldrick" )ith sugar.

Ed'und" )hich of course 'akes all the difference.

Baldrick" )ell, it #ould do if #e had any sugar, but, unfortunately, #e ran
out 5e# +ear&s E(e NLN>, since #hen %&(e been using sugar substitute.

Ed'und" )hich is...$

Baldrick" 6andruff.

Ed'und" Brilliant.

Baldrick" till, % could add so'e 'ilk this ti'e -- #ell, sali(a...

Ed'und" 5o, no, thank you, Baldrick. Call 'e .r <icky, but % think %&ll
cancel the coffee.

Baldrick" That&s probably &cause you&re 'ad, sir9

Ed'und" )ell, Duite9

George" Hre-enters2 Ed'und Duickly replaces the pencilsI )ell, it didn&t go
do#n #ell at all, %&' afraid, sir. Captain 6arling said they&d be
along directly, but, #ell, you&d better be da'n doolally.

Ed'und" 6on&t #orry, George2 % a' H'akes #eird noises #hile 'o(ing his right
ar' strangelyI. )hen they get here, %&ll sho# the' #hat Rtotally and
utterly bonkeroonie& 'eans. F#af9 ?ntil then, #e&(e got bugger-all to
do e,cept sit and #ait.

George" )ell, % don&t kno#, sir -- #e could, er, #e could ha(e a 4olly ga'e
of charades9

Baldrick" Ooh, yes9

George" And a singalong of 'usical hits like *Bir'ingha' Bertie* and *)hoops,
.rs .iggins, +ou&re itting On .y Artichokes.*

Ed'und" +es, % think bugger-all 'ight rather be 'ore fun.


Hlater, the three are sitting around doing bugger-allI

Baldrick" <er'ission to ask a Duestion, sir...

Ed'und" <er'ission granted, Baldrick, as long as isn&t the one about #here
babies co'e fro'.

Baldrick" 5o, the thing is" The #ay % see it, these days there&s a #ar on,
right$ and, ages ago, there #asn&t a #ar on, right$ o, there 'ust
ha(e been a 'o'ent #hen there not being a #ar on #ent a#ay, right$
and there being a #ar on ca'e along. o, #hat % #ant to kno# is"
7o# did #e get fro' the one case of affairs to the other case of
affairs$

Ed'und" 6o you 'ean *7o# did the #ar start$*

Baldrick" +eah.

George" The #ar started because of the (ile 7un and his (illainous e'pire-
building.

Ed'und" George, the British E'pire at present co(ers a Duarter of the globe,
#hile the Ger'an E'pire consists of a s'all sausage factory in
Tanganyika. % hardly think that #e can be entirely absol(ed of bla'e
on the i'perialistic front.

George" Oh, no, sir, absolutely not. Haside, to BaldickI .ad as a bicycle9

Baldrick" % heard that it started #hen a bloke called Archie 6uke shot an
ostrich &cause he #as hungry.

Ed'und" % think you 'ean it started #hen the Archduke of Austro-7ungary got
shot.

Baldrick" 5ah, there #as definitely an ostrich in(ol(ed, sir.

Ed'und" )ell, possibly. But the real reason for the #hole thing #as that it
#as too 'uch effort OnotO to ha(e a #ar.

George" By HGu'$ [it&s not RGod&!I this is interesting2 % al#ays lo(ed
history -- The Battle of 7astings, 7enry C%%% and his si, kni(es,
all that.

Ed'und" +ou see, Baldrick, in order to pre(ent #ar in Europe, t#o superblocs
de(eloped" us, the French and the 8ussians on one side, and the
Ger'ans and Austro-7ungary on the other. The idea #as to ha(e t#o
(ast opposing ar'ies, each acting as the other&s deterrent. That #ay
there could ne(er be a #ar.

Baldrick" But this is a sort of a #ar, isn&t it, sir$

Ed'und" +es, that&s right. +ou see, there #as a tiny fla# in the plan.

George" )hat #as that, sir$

Ed'und" %t #as bollocks.

Baldrick" o the poor old ostrich died for nothing.

6arling" Hfro' outsideI &tention9

George" Hhe and Baldrick standI 8ight, they&re here. Er', Baldrick, you keep
hi' #ar'2 %&ll go prepare the ground. Hlea(esI

Houtside, George salutes .elchett and 6arlingI

George" ir.

.elchett" George9 7o#&s the patient$

George" )ell, it&s touch and go, %&' afraid, sir. % really can&t (ouch for his
beha(iour. 7e&s gone 'ad, you see -- stir-frying cra3y.

.elchett" % see. %s this genuinely 'ad$

George" Oh, yes, sir.

.elchett" ...or has he si'ply put his underpants on his head and stuffed a
couple of pencils up his nose$ That&s #hat they all used to do in
the udan. % re'e'ber % once had to shoot a #hole platoon for
trying that. )ell, let&s ha(e a look at hi'. Hgoes in, follo#ed
by the othersI

6arling" &tention999

Ed'und" Hstands, talks to BaldrickI ...and the other thing they used to do in
the udan is to get dressed up like this and pretend to be 'ad. But
don&t let 'e catch you trying that one, Baldrick, or %&ll ha(e you
shot, all right$ 6is'issed. Hturns to .elchett, re'o(es the pencilsI
Oh, hello, sir -- didn&t hear you co'e in.

.elchett" )ell no#, Blackadder, they tell 'e you&(e gone 'ad.

Ed'und" 5o, sir Hre'o(es the underpantsI, no -- 'ust be a breakdo#n of
co''unication. o'eone ob(iously heard % #as 'ad #ith e,cite'ent,
#aiting for the off.

.elchett" There you are, you see, 6arling$ % told you there&d be a perfectly
rational e,planation. 8ight, George, ha(e your chaps fall in.

George" Cery good, sir. Hsalutes, lea(esI

6arling" )ell, it&s rather odd, sir. The 'essage #as (ery clear" *Captain
Blackadder gone totally tonto. Bring straight4acket for i''ediate
return to Blighty.* Hholds up straight4acketI

.elchett" 6on&t be ridiculous, 6arling. The 7ero of .boto Gorge, 'ad$ )ell,
you&(e only got to look at hi' to see he&s as sane as % a'9 Beeaaah9
Hlea(esI

6arling" )ould that the .boto Gorge #here #e 'assacred the peace-lo(ing
pyg'ies of the ?pper Colta and stole all their fruit$

Ed'und" 5o -- a totally different .boto Gorge.

6arling" Oh.

Ed'und" Cup of coffee, 6arling$

6arling" Oh, thank you.

Ed'und" Baldrick, do the honours.

Baldrick" Hco'es fro' kitchenI ir. Hto 6arlingI ugar, sir$

6arling" Three lu'ps.

Ed'und" Think you can 'anage three Olu'psO, Baldrick$

Baldrick" %&ll ru''age around, see #hat % can find, sir. Hturns back to
kitchenI

6arling" .ake it a 'ilky one.

Baldrick" Co'ing up, sir.

Houtside2 #hile .elchett and George speak, Baldrick can be heard
ha#king up a great deal of R'ilk&I

.elchett" )ell, George, you 'ust ha(e been delighted to hear the ne#s of the
Big <ush.

George" Absolutely, sir -- our chance to sho# the 7un that it takes 'ore than
a pointy hat and bad breath to defeat the ar'ies of 0ing George9

.elchett" That&s the spirit9

Hinside, Baldrick spits, then returns #ith the 'ugI

Baldrick" 7ere you are, sir.

6arling" Hlooks in the 'ugI Ah, cappucino9 7a(e you got any of that bro#n
stuff you sprinkle on the top$

Baldrick" )ell, %&' sure % could '--

Ed'und" 5o, no9

6arling" Has .elchett and George returnI &tention9

.elchett" )ell, fine body of 'en you&(e got out there, Blackadder.

Ed'und" +es, sir -- shortly to beco'e fine bodies of 'en.

.elchett" 5onsense -- you&ll pull through. HlaughsI % re'e'ber #hen #e played
the old 7arro(ians back in &LJ" they said #e ne(er could break
through to their back line, but #e ducked and #e bobbed and #e #o(e
and #e da'n #ell #on the ga'e, N>-@.

Ed'und" +es, sir, but the 7arro# fullback #asn&t ar'ed #ith a hea(y 'achine
gun.

.elchett" 5o -- that&s a good point. .ake a note, 6arling...

6arling" ir.

.elchett" *8eco''endation for the 7arro# Go(ernors" 7ea(y 'achine guns for
fullbacks.* Bright idea, Blackadder. Hspeaks to BaldrickI 5o# then,
soldier, are you looking for#ard to gi(ing those Frenchies a da'n
good licking$

6arling" Er, no, sir -- it&s the Ger'ans #e shall be licking, sir.

.elchett" 6on&t be re(olting, 6arling9 % #ouldn&t lick a Ger'an if he #as
gla3ed in honey9

6arling" orry.

.elchett" Hback to BaldrickI 5o# then, soldier, do you lo(e your country$

Baldrick" Certainly do, sir.

.elchett" And do you lo(e your king$

Baldrick" Certainly don&t, sir.

.elchett" And #hy not$

Baldrick" .y 'other told 'e ne(er to trust 'en #ith beards, sir.

.elchett" HlaughsI E,cellent nati(e Cockney #it9 Hhits Baldrick in the face2
Baldrick falls o(erI )ell, best of luck to you all. orry % can&t be
#ith you, but ob(iously there&s no place at the front for an old
general #ith a dicky heart and a #ooden bladder. By the #ay, George,
if you #ant to acco'pany 'e back to 7= and #atch the results as they
co'e in, % think % can guarantee a place in the car.

George" Oh, no, thank you, sir -- % #ouldn&t 'iss this sho# for anything. % a'
as e,cited as a (ery e,cited person #ho&s got a special reason to be
e,cited, sir.

.elchett" E,cellent9 )ell, Hchuf chuf$I then. ee you all in Berlin for coffee
and cakes.

Goerge" ir. HsalutesI

HAs .elchett begins to #alk out, 6arling drinks then spits out
the Rcoffee&.I

.elchett" )hat is the 'atter #ith you today, 6arling$ %&' so sorry,
Blackadder. Co'e on, 6arling, #e&re lea(ing. Hhe and 6arling lea(eI

George" 8ighto, sir, %&' glad you&re not barking any'ore.

Ed'und" )ell, thank you, George -- although Duite clearly you are. +ou #ere
offered a #ay out, and you didn&t take it.

George" Absolutely not, sir9 % can&t #ait to get stuck into the Boche9

Ed'und" +ou #on&t ha(e ti'e to get Rstuck into the Boche&9 )e&ll all be cut
to pieces by 'achine gun fire before #e can say *charge.*

George" All right, so, #hat do #e do no#$

Baldrick" Can % do 'y #ar poe'$

Ed'und" 7o# hurt #ould you be if % ga(e the honest ans#er, #hich is *5o, %&d
rather French-kiss a skunk*$

Baldrick" o #ould %, sir9

Ed'und" All right. Fire a#ay, Baldrick.

Baldrick" *7ear the #ords % sing F )ar&s a horrid thing F o % sing sing
sing F ding-a-ling-a-ling.*

George" HapplaudingI Oh, bra(o, yes9

Ed'und" +es. )ell, it started badly, it tailed off a little in the 'iddle,
and the less said about the end, the better. But, apart than that,
e,cellent.

Baldrick" Oh, shall % do another one, then, sir$

Ed'und" 5o -- #e #ouldn&t #ant to e,haust you.

Baldrick" 5o, don&t #orry2 % could go on all night.

Ed'und" 5ot #ith a bayonet through your neck, you couldn&t9

Baldrick" This one is called *The Ger'an Guns.*

George" Oh, spiffing9 +es, let&s hear that9

Baldrick" *Boo' boo' boo' boo' F Boo' boo' boo' F BOO. BOO., BOO. BOO.--

Ed'und" *BOO. BOO. BOO.*$

Baldrick" 7o# did you guess, sir$

George" % say, sir9 That is spooky9

Ed'und" %&' sorry, % think %&(e got to get out of here999

Baldrick" )ell, % ha(e a cunning plan, sir.

Ed'und" All right, Baldrick -- for old ti'e&s sake.

Baldrick" )ell, you phone Field .arshal 7aig, sir, and you ask hi' to get
you out of here.

Ed'und" HstandsI Baldrick, e(en by your standards it&s pathetic9 %&(e only
e(er 'et Field .arshal 7aig once, it #as t#enty years ago, and, 'y
god, you&(e got it, you&(e got it9 Hhe kisses Baldrick&s hatI

Baldrick" )ell, if %&(e got it, you&(e got it too, no#, sir.

Ed'und" % can&t belie(e %&(e been so stupid9 One phone call #ill do it -- one
phone call and %&ll be free. /et&s see, it&s G.G; a.'.2 %&ll call
about Duarter to si,. E,cellent, e,cellent. )ell, %&ll get packing.

George" +ou kno#, % #on&t half 'iss you chaps after the #ar.

Baldrick" 6on&t #orry, /ieutenant2 %&ll co'e (isit you.

George" )ill you really$ Oh bra(o9 +es, 4u'p into the old 4alopy and co'e do#n
and stay in the country, and #e can reli(e the old ti'es.

Ed'und" )hat, dig a hole in the garden, fill it #ith #ater, and get your
ga'ekeeper to shoot at us all day$

George" +ou kno#, that&s the thing % don&t really understand about you, Cap.
+ou&re a professional soldier, and yet, so'eti'es you sound as though
you bally #ell ha(en&t en4oyed soldiering at all.

Ed'und" )ell, you see, George, % did like it, back in the old days #hen the
prereDuisite of a British ca'paign #as that the ene'y should under
no circu'stances carry guns -- e(en spears 'ade us think t#ice. The
kind of people #e liked to fight #ere t#o feet tall and ar'ed #ith
dry grass.

George" 5o#, co'e off it, sir -- #hat about .boto Gorge, for hea(en&s sake$

Ed'und" +es, that #as a bit of a nasty one -- ten thousand )atusi #arriors
ar'ed to the teeth #ith ki#i fruit and gua(a hal(es. After the battle,
instead of taking prisoners, #e si'ply 'ade a huge fruit salad. 5o,
#hen % 4oined up, % ne(er i'agined anything as a#ful as this #ar.
%&d had fifteen years of 'ilitary e,perience, perfecting the art of
ordering a pink gin and saying *6o you do it doggy-doggy$* in
#ahili, and then suddenly four-and-a-half 'illion hea(ily ar'ed
Ger'ans ho(ed into (ie#. That #as a shock, % can tell you.

Baldrick" Hpolishing boots #ith a dead ratI % thought it #as going to be such
fun, too -- #e all did -- 4oining the local regi'ent and e(erything"
The Turnip treet )orkhouse <o#ers. %t #as great. %&ll ne(er forget
it. %t #as the first ti'e % e(er felt really popular. E(eryone #as
cheering, thro#ing flo#ers. o'e girl e(en co'e up and kissed 'e.

Ed'und" <oor #o'an -- first casualty of the #ar.

Baldrick" % lo(ed the training2 all #e had to do #as bayonet sacks full of
stra#. E(en % could do that. % re'e'eber saying to 'y 'u', *These
sacks #ill be easy to out#it in a battle situation.* And then,
shortly after, #e all 'et up, didn&t #e$ 4ust before Christ'as,
NLN@.

George" +es, that&s right. %&d 4ust arri(ed and #e had that #onderful
Christ'as truce. 6o you re'e'ber, sir$ )e could hear *ilent 5ight*
drifting across the still, clear air of 5o .an&s /and. And then they
ca'e, the Ger'ans, e'erging out of the free3ing night 'ist, calling
to us, and #e cla'bered up o(er the top and #ent to 'eet the'.

Ed'und" Both sides ad(anced 'ore during one Christ'as piss-up than they
'anaged in the ne,t t#o-and-a-half years of #ar.

Baldrick" 6o you re'e'ber the football 'atch$

Ed'und" 8e'e'ber it$ 7o# could % forget it$ % #as ne(er offside9 % could not
belie(e that decision9

Baldrick" And since then #e&(e been stuck here for three flipping years9 )e
ha(en&t 'o(ed9 All 'y friends are dead" .y pet spider, a''y2 0atie
the #or'2 Bertie the bird -- e(eryone e,cept 5e(ille the fat
ha'ster.

Ed'und" Hha(ing 4ust finished his packing2 sitsI %&' afraid 5e(ille bought
it too, Baldrick. %&' sorry.

Baldrick" 5e(ille, gone, sir$

Ed'und" Actually, not Duite gone -- he&s in the corner, bunging up the sink.

Baldrick" HstandsI Oh no, it didn&t ha(e to happen, sir9 %f it #asn&t for this
terrible #ar, 5e(ille #ould still be here today, sniffling his
little nose and going *Eek.*

Ed'und" On the other hand, if he hadn&t died, % #ouldn&t ha(e been able to
insert a curtain rod in his botto' and use hi' as a dish'op.

Baldrick" )hy can&t #e 4ust stop, sir$ )hy can&t #e 4ust say, *5o 'ore killing2
let&s all go ho'e*$ )hy #ould it be stupid 4ust to pack it in, sir,
#hy$

George" 5o#, no#, no#, look here, you 4ust stop that Hconchy$I talk right no#,
<ri(ate. %t&s, it&s absurd, it&s Bolshe(is', and it #ouldn&t #ork,
any#ay.

Baldrick" )hy not, sir$

George" *)hy not$* )ell, #hat do you 'ean$ *)hy #ouldn&t it #ork$* %t--
%t #ouldn&t #ork, <ri(ate-- %t #ouldn&t #ork because, there, #ell,
no#, you 4ust get on #ith polishing those boots, all right$ and let&s
ha(e a little bit less of that lip9 Hto Ed'undI % think % 'anaged to
crush the 'utiny there, sir. )ell, to think, sir" in 4ust a fe# hours,
#e&ll be off. Of course, not that % #ouldn&t 'iss all this, sir.
% 'ean, #e&(e had so'e good ti'es2 #e&(e had da'nably good laughs, eh$

Ed'und" +es -- can&t think of any specific ones, 'yself, but...

--------------------------------------------------------------------