THE IDIOTS GUIDE TO SMART PEOPLE: SPORTS

By The Bilderbergers
ANIMATION
Intro sequence.
WILL HINES
Hello idiots! Welcome to The
Idiots Guide to Smart People.
Todays topic is sports.
Sports-type stuff surrounds the face of the idiot: football,
baseball, basketball, golf ball, hockey puck, etc.
WILL HINES
Following sports is one of the
all-time greatest idiot pastimes.
The idiot stands next to a list: "Idiot pastimes: 1. Pranks
2. Casual racism 3. Sports" The idiot gives a thumbs up when
"sports" pops up."
WILL HINES
To enjoy the game, you only need to
do two things -- yell and drink
beer -- which just happen to be
your only two talents.
Idiot is front of his TV at home, doing his own elaborate
touchdown dance; we can see a touchdown graphic on the TV as
well. (Maybe see a player doing the exact same dance, unless
thats too much work.) On "yell and drink beer", we see the
idiot go "Woooooo!" then chug a beer. Swipe cut to a
document that says resume at the top. Zoom in to reveal
"Talents" section, which has "1. Yelling 2. Beer drinking 3.
????"
WILL HINES
But unfortunately your
idiot-oasis--
We see a few idiots, decked in sports paraphernalia (giant
foam finger, etc.), tailgating with a NY Post flag
displayed. Maybe some fake palm trees to play off the
"oasis" line, if it feels like it works.
WILL HINES
--is often encroached upon by smart
people--
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.
Zoom out to reveal sports nerds approaching the tailgate
party, spewing weird statistics like BABIP, ORB%, Expected
Points Added, Corsi, wOBA. The incoming smarties carry a
Grantland flag.
WILL HINES
--so you should know what smart
people get out of watching adults
play games with balls.
Text onscreen to match the narration: "Sports = Adults +
Games + Balls"
Title card: Conversation
WILL HINES
Sports is the universal language of
modern life--
Idiot and Smart Person are awkwardly avoiding each other in
the elevator. Finally the smart person tentatively says
"Sports?" then the idiot says "Sports!" and they keep saying
sports over and over again.
WILL HINES
--allowing idiots and smart people
to make small talk when they have
absolutely nothing else in common.
Venn diagram titled "Conversation Topics". On the idiot
side: Beer, Farting, Explosions. On the smart side: Craft
beer, Hegelian dialectic, urban planning. Only "sports" is
in the middle.
WILL HINES
The phrase "did you see the game?"
puts everyone at ease, now that
even the weather is a loaded topic.
Back to the elevator. Idiot: "Did you see the game?"
followed by a sigh of relief by both the idiot and smart
person. Swipe edit to Idiot: "Weird weather". Smart person:
"Climate change". They immediately start beating the shit
out of each other.
WILL HINES
And smart peoples interest in
sports has continued to rise, along
with global temperatures, thanks to
fantasy sports.
Graph of "global temperature" and "smart people interest in
sports" both rising in lockstep.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.
Title card: Fantasy sports
WILL HINES
Fantasy sports are a trick smart
people have played on idiots to get
them to play a socially-acceptable
form of Dungeons and Dragons.
Banner reads "Fantasy Sports Draft", over a big draft board.
Bunch of smart people sitting around. Idiot wanders over. As
soon as he sits down, the banner changes to Dungeons &
Dragons, and the smart people pull out a game board,
20-sided die, etc.
WILL HINES
Smart people spend an unreasonable
amount of time on make believe
drafts and pun-based team names--
Smart person feverishly working at what looks an architects
desk. Day turns to night, like in the Politics episode. We
zoom in to see what hes working on: a punny team names.
House of Cardinals is circled. We see others crossed out:
Three Pointer Sisters, Touchdownton Abbeys, Homerunstarrers,
New England Patriot Acts, Cleveland Indianaians, New York
Mitts, Blood Diamondbacks, Historically Accurate Vikings,
Ben Rapelisbergers.
WILL HINES
--only to become furious when
defeated by their arch nemesis: an
idiot with dumb luck.
Horizontal bar graph titled "Total Points." Two graphs
labeled "House of Cardinals" and "Homerunstarrers" are
increasing, neck-and-neck. Then zoom out to reveal a third
team "Me Team Good" with even more points than both of them.
Quick cut to the idiot doing his touchdown dance again.
WILL HINES
But even with fantasy games, smart
people have a hard time embracing
sports--
Smart person wearing a NY Giants hat. He looks a little
tentative.
WILL HINES
--as much as idiots--
Pull out to reveal the idiot standing nearby wearing NY
Giants hat, jersey, pants, foam finger, while holding a NY
Giants-branded football, etc.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.
WILL HINES
--because of guilt.
Title card: Guilt
WILL HINES
While you and your idiot
pals enjoy sports with absolutely
no shame--
A bunch of idiots rooting for the Indians, Redskins, Braves,
and Chiefs, doing offensive stuff like painting their face
and the tomahawk chop.
WILL HINES
--smart people have to fight the
nagging truth--
Pull out to reveal a smart person next to the idiots doing a
very subtle, uncomfortable tomahawk chop.
WILL HINES
--that theyre often rooting for
violent, homophobic, liars.
Graphics pop-up to match the words, so all three are
on-screen by the end: bloody chainsaw, rainbow equality flag
with a red circle around it and a line through it, Lance
Armstrongs face.
WILL HINES
And even when the athletes are
blameless, they know teams are run
by rich assholes--
Group of basketball players with halos over their head, pull
back to reveal Donald Sterlings face. Devils horns grow
out of his head and his face turns scaly and grotesque.
WILL HINES
--that are part of giant sleazy
organizations.
NCAA logo modified to say "NCAA: Exploiting Student-Athletes
Since 1906".
WILL HINES
And smart people put all that
knowledge to good use, by
immediately ignoring it once the
game is on.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.
Smart person is surrounded by books and magazine articles
about CTE, which are all thrown pushed away to reveal a TV
with the game being played. Immediately yells "GO GIANTS!"
Title card: Most importantly
WILL HINES
But most importantly, you should
avoid any smart person that
constantly makes it known how
little they care about sports.
Close shot on a smart person that says "Sports are dumb"
over and over (and louder and louder). Pull back to reveal a
sports bar, with a group of idiots far away from the smart
person, looking furious and angry.
WILL HINES
These joyless sacks of
condescension trivialize the
physical artistry of athletes,
while worshiping the inane
snarkistry of twitter.
We see a series of tweets: "Sportsball LOL" "Our overpaid
athletes > yours!" "ugh jocks all over". Pull back to reveal
a joyless sack of a person looking their phone, instead of
an athlete performing an amazing physical feat in front of
them. (Whatever is easiest to draw; may be nice to reference
a famous sports moment) They perk up in joy and yell "I got
a retweet!"
Title card: Wrap-up
WILL HINES
Anyway, just remember that no
matter what smart people say--
Smart person says "Im a diehard!"
WILL HINES
--being a true fan is ultimately a
pure idiot idea--
Smart person gets trampled by a horde of idiot superfans.
WILL HINES
--rooting for one team over
another, for no good reason, and
never changing your allegiance.
Idiots start chanting and rooting, holding up a banner that
says "Lets go Idiots!"
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.
WILL HINES
Its like nationalism or religion--
Cut to a sports fan idiot. A super patriotic idiot pops up
next to him, then a super religious idiot. Theyre all
cheering and evangelizing in their own specific way, until
the narrator drop this bomb on them.
WILL HINES
--or anything else we use to
distract from the fact that were
all going to die. Sorry for the
reminder!
Idiots look shocked. Maybe cut to text "Sorry for the
reminder!" if that works better.
BLACKOUT.