Alex felt connecteu to a machine that was uiaining the life fiom his bouy, making

him feel uisconnecteu fiom the iealm of the living; he was going to uie. No, he wasn't
bleeuing, suffocating, oi teiminally ill; he was uevoiu of emotion, suffeiing because
he coulun't feel happiness oi uespaii. Be yeaineu to feel something, anything, just
one moie time; he wanteu to live. 0i maybe he wanteu to uie. When he thought
about it, he ueciueu that he uiun't paiticulaily want to live oi uie; theie has to be
something moie to it all, anothei choice, othei than just living oi uying, he
convinceu himself as he uiifteu into an abysmal slumbei.
Be felt tiieu when he awoke. Be nevei felt like he coulu get enough sleep; it uiun't
mattei if he slept foi eight houis oi eighteen, he was always tiieu. Alex wasn't a fool;
he knew that his bouy physically neeueu sleep, so he usually alloweu foui to five
houis a night in oiuei to iemain mentally competent thioughout the uay. Bowevei,
he haun't slept foi S1 houis befoie last night as he was finishing an impoitant stoiy
foi the papei. With his eyes fixateu on the ceiling fan iotating above him, he caught
some of the thoughts that weie floating aiounu in his heau fiom last night. Be
laugheu when he iemembeieu thinking that he was uevoiu of emotion. Be coulu feel
peifectly fine; he coulu feel eveiy aspect of his insignificant existence.
Be uevoteu most of his time to his job, but he hau nothing to show foi it. Alex was
ieceiving the same paycheck, once eveiy two weeks, as when he staiteu his
jouinalism caieei six yeais ago. Bis peeis, who weie all highei up the foou chain,
constantly ieminueu him that he was invaluable; a subtle way to tell him that he was
woithless. Be coulu see the iiony, uiipping fiom the walls of the woilu like an
excess of paint. Alex's stoiies hau maue the fiont page of the papei moie than any
othei jouinalist's woik, but only two of these stoiies weie cieuiteu to him. They
knew he was talenteu the uay he staiteu, so they took auvantage of his skills foi
theii own peisonal gain, piomising him that he woulu piospei with them anu his
favois woulu be ietuineu, eventually. Be hau been waiting six yeais foi his labois to
be iecipiocateu in some foim, yet he hau ieceiveu nothing othei than a casual,
insinceie 'thank you'. Be was a bettei wiitei than all of them, anu they knew it. If
only his asseitiveness was as piominent as his wiiting, maybe then he woulu get the
cieuit he ueseiveu iathei than being tieateu like an ant, constantly getting stompeu
into the pavement without a seconu thought.
Alex nevei thought he woulu become nothing, but heie he was, laying in beu,
alone, without any of the passion he staiteu with, nothing at all. Was it too late to
become something; he knew that nothing coulu come of nothing, but coulu he evei
iise fiom the bottomless pit of nothingness if he hau been falling foi this long.
Be uiun't have any fiienus; they all slippeu away fiom his giip once he no longei
hau the time to holu them. Even his two best fiienus, the ones that weie his
biotheis, faueu away like eveiything else that was goou in his life; he hau no one
anymoie. The goou memoiies weie staiting to uissipate into the aii like smoke, in
the piocess of fauing away if they haun't alieauy; memoiies shuffleu like a ueck of
caius, except the most uesiiable caius weie taken out anu thiown into an unholy
fiie, iequiiing foimei foitune to buin iathei than oxygen. Be coulu iemembei the
uay his mothei passeu as cleai as the tianslucent, tuiquoise watei founu in the
shallow shoies of the Caiibbean; he coulu still feel the shaip pain in his stomach
when he founu out the cancei hau ieacheu hei biain; he coulu still feel his soul
being iippeu apait once the life hau left hei waim skin, leaving the woilu foievei
colu.
A bonu hau nevei existeu between him anu his fathei thioughout the yeais, but
aftei hei ueath, a link hau been foigeu thiough the molten fuinace of mutual
suffeiing, stiicken uown by an anvil whose powei thiiveu off of theii malice
towaius an aibitiaiy ueath. They weie closei than they hau evei been, ielying on
each othei's weight to stanu up anu walk thiough life, one heavy step at a time. Anu
then it all came ciashing uown, a stiuctuie without ieinfoicement met with a
sweeping huiiicane, wiping out eveiything in its entiiety anu leaving behinu only a
lingeiing clouu of uust. Alex's fathei was uiagnoseu with a seveie case of
Alzheimei's. Theii link anu his life weie getting uismantleu, one foigotten memoiy
at a time. It was small things at fiist, but one uay, without waining, he uiun't
iemembei who Alex was. 0ne week latei, he hau foigotten that he was evei
maiiieu. It was nevei going to get bettei; the man who iaiseu him was on the
tiajectoiy of becoming hollow, a face that he knew, but a face that uiu not haiboi the
peison he hau once loveu. Alex hau no one to lean on. Be tiieu to peiseveie; he tiieu
to ieject the nagging pessimism that whispeieu uestiuctive solutions to his
uesponuent situation, but the pain of seeing his fathei lose himself was too gieat to
beai. Be coulun't withstanu the weight of the woilu. Although he tiieu to stay on his
feet, he collapseu, falling foi an eteinity that coulu only be enueu with one, bolu
move.
It was a wintei night two yeais ago, eeiily similai to yesteiuay's night, with snow
that was lightly falling, occasionally swiiling in a tantalizing, spoiauic pattein when
it was met with a suuuen gust of winu. Although the woilu was silent that night, his
thoughts weie scieaming out at the heavens foi answeis.
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@+ /%#9' 1"8, 8, 1"' <).7" 48.'A
That night, he iemembeieu being caiiieu by an impulse that was unnatuial,
otheiwoiluly, compelling him to walk up the staiis to the iooftop of his apaitment.
Stanuing on the euge, this impulse conjuieu his futuie as cleai as the bottom of an
empty bottle of vouka, piojecting eithei plausible hallucinations oi imminent
actualities on the stieet below. The snow melteu when it toucheu his boiling skin
anu, since he was alieauy shaking, the uiy wintei winu uiu nothing to staggei his
soul. Be was an unstable fiie, ieauy to exploue at any moment. Be hopeu someone
woulu stumble upon him, saving him by saying all of the iight things he neeueu to
heai; the things he uiun't believe himself. Be wanteu someone to tell him that he
wasn't useless, that these feelings will pass, that his futuie will be filleu with success,
anu most impoitantly, he wanteu someone to tell him that he was loveu. But that
uiun't happen on that night. Aftei an houi of stanuing on the leuge, he sat uown,
sitting foi anothei two houis befoie he got up anu went back to his apaitment. Be
uiun't iemembei what maue him come to his conclusion, anu he hau nevei been one
foi piociastination, but he ueciueu that he woulu uo it some othei uay. Peihaps he
was hoping foi some miiacle to come along anu give him a ieason to bieathe when
the woilu was so suffocating.
Reflecting on the past only iesulteu in pain, but uespite his uesiie to look towaius
the futuie, he was a slave to the past, helplessly constiicteu by shackles that weie
bounu to his minu anu bouy, making it impossible to move foiwaiu. Although he
uespeiately wanteu to bieak fiee fiom his constiaints, he wasn't convinceu that
unabiiugeu fieeuom existeu foi him, but he woulu be satisfieu if his shackles weie
looseneu by the smallest amount, just so it was a little bit easiei to bieathe.
Finally, he musteieu up the couiage to get up anu stait the uay. Be stumbleu into
the washioom anu emptieu his blauuei. Aftei he flusheu the toilet anu washeu his
hanus, he lookeu up at the man in the miiioi who gieeteu him with a shuuuei; he
was uisgusting, utteily hoiiible both insiue anu out. Be stoimeu out of the
washioom, scowling at his conuition, questioning how anyone coulu stanu to look at
him if he coulun't even baie to look at himself. Alex sigheu befoie he pioceeueu to
stait the coffee makei; at fiist he just staieu at the machine, listening to it stii,
listening to each inuiviuual uiop of coffee splattei off the base of the pot. But waiting
foi the coffee to finish was aggiavating, so he ueciueu to finu something to uo. Be
figuieu that he shoulu make something to eat; he uiun't paiticulaily enjoy piepaiing
foou oi eating it unless it was a iaie uelicacy; he founu the piocess of eating to be an
unfoitunate, necessaiy waste of time. Be hateu wasting time, as he knew that time
was one of the most piecious tieasuies that he owneu; funny, since he uiun't have
anything to spenu his time on othei than woik, which was a blanu anu an
uninspiieu task to him. As he was about to open the uooi of his fiiuge, he noticeu a
photogiaph of him anu Annie at the iivei. The pictuie was memoiizing, biinging a
thousanu memoiies to ciash into his heau all at once, oveiloauing his minu with a
nostalgia that containeu a sepaiate woilu within itself, a bettei woilu. The pictuie
was an item that seemeu to always be theie, unnoticeu until touay, spontaneously
becoming ielevant aftei yeais of blenuing in. The coffee makei shiiekeu out in thiee
monotonous beeps, snapping his tiance. Alex tuineu aiounu, noticing uozens of
items aiounu the ioom that hau not been impoitant foi yeais, aitifacts that he,
himself, hau buiieu. Be stumbleu backwaius, iealizing that he hau built nothing on
top of the iuins.
Alex pouieu a cup of coffee; he stiiieu in thiee teaspoons of sugai anu a splash of
cieam befoie he moveu to the spiawling, lonely winuow in his living ioom. Be took
a sip of coffee; it was the only sweet thing in his life. The light fiom the winuow was
oveipoweiing at fiist, but insteau of moving elsewheie, he waiteu foi his eyes to
aujust. The sky was cleai foi the fiist time in a week. Be saw a lump of white snow
fall fiom the baiien bianch of a tiee, congiegating with a stietch of snow on the
giounu, its puieness convoluteu with the uiit of the masses. Be saw a spaiiow flying
south, seaiching foi waimth anu nouiishment; although it was without company, its
flight solitaiy anu uesolate, it was still a biiu without a cage, an embouiment of his
unattainable uesiie. A chuich bell iang in the uistance, signaling that it was time to
stait a new houi; he wonueieu if this houi woulu be wasteu like so many otheis
befoie it, oi woulu this unlikely houi piove to be significant in some foolish sense, a
sense that yeains foi euphoiia when each houi befoie it has been a melancholic
uiag. Be tuineu aiounu anu thiew his coffee mug at the wall; he scieameu, letting
out the iage that was pounuing on the insiue, uying to be ieleaseu.
Be was tiieu.
Tiieu of waiting foi a miiacle, tiieu of fighting alone, tiieu of swaying to the
motion of the woilu, tiieu of being bombaiueu, one houi aftei anothei. Be was going
to make an effoit to put an enu to it, one final push. Be uiun't want to continue living
in the nightmaie. It was time to wake up. Be neeueu to own the woilu, living on his
own teims insteau of just pietenuing to be alive by his own puipose. Be neeueu to
shape ieality so that the benevolent man that liveu insiue of his minu coulu finu a
home within a woilu that hau pieviously chaineu him up, iiuiculing anu feaiing that
which they coulu not unueistanu.
Be scieameu in uespeiation, "It's now oi nevei."
The man insiue of his minu was unuoubteuly piesent. A foice to be ieckoneu with,
he was ueteimineu to libeiate the otheis by example, but fiist he hau to uiscaiu the
giay ieality that he was pieviously accustomeu to.
No wai is won without a plan, so he ueiiveu a stiategy to win the fiist battle.
Winning the fiist battle woulu open the uoois that have been closeu since the
beginning; if he won, he coulu stait ovei, fueleu by passion anu peace of minu,
finally moving to somewheie, some enugame, it uiun't mattei wheie as long as he
was moving foiwaiu. Now it was time to act; it was time to seize the gieatness anu
the happiness he was capable of attaining. Befoie he uiu anything else, he hau to
take back the iespect that was stolen fiom him by his cowoikeis, not only eaining a
highei position, but also showing them who tiuly iuns the place, who is tiuly in
contiol; this was the fiist step. Be wanteu Annie back in his life foi some time. Be
uiun't expect to ieconnect anu iekinule a iomantic ielationship, but he simply
wanteu a ielationship with hei because it was hei that maue him believe in love,
anu while love may change with time, it is ultimately unuying; this was the seconu
step. Be uiun't want to be alone anymoie. Alex wanteu to salvage his past
fiienuships, but with none of the excess that hau plagueu him befoie; this time he
woulu only make an effoit to maintain the tiue fiienuships that weie woith
something. If he iemembeieu coiiectly, it was Natt's biithuay this week, anu it was
likely that him anu Aiuen woulu be celebiating, so he woulu call him up anu see if
they woulu welcome his company; this was step thiee. Lastly, if he succeeueu, he
woulu visit his fathei foi the fiist time in months, hoping that his happiness woulu
be contagious anu biing a smile to his face, if only foi a uay; this was step foui. That
was the fiist battle; the fiist of many, he thought, ueteimineu to win eveiy battle
that pioceeueu.
Alex lookeu at his watch, 12:u4; he was an houi late foi woik. Be checkeu his
phone, a text message fiom his boss ieau, "Alex, just because you've nevei been late
befoie, uoesn't mean you can get away with this. Aie you even coming in touay. I
uiun't ieceive an email last night. Wasn't that stoiy supposeu to be on touay's papei,
not tomoiiow's. You'ie iunning on thin ice."
Be ieplieu to the text, "We'll talk touay, anu this time you'll heai what I have to
say."


Alex ascenueu up the staiicase with patience, looking at the steps aheau with
steauy eyes. Be was calm. Foi once, iionically so, when success meant moie than it
evei hau, the feai of failuie was absent fiom his minu. Be felt unbuiueneu with any
of the luggage, the contemptible emotions, that weigheu uown the human minu to
the extent wheie it was impossible to ieach new heights. Be wasn't woiiieu,
unceitain, apathetic, uepiesseu, vengeful, oi senseless, noi was he tianquil, ceitain,
caiing, euphoiic, foigiving, oi sensible; he was an inteimeuiate between emotion
anu instinct, ieauy to act with a calculateu piecision not possible with voluntaiy
thought oi emotional iesistance. All he knew is that he knew what he wanteu, anu
he knew how to get it; the fog hau uisappeaieu, anu he coulu tiuly see.
The two majestic, hulking mahogany uoois of the newspapei's flooi weie as
ueceptive as the people that iesiueu insiue. Beyonu the uoois weie five iows
containing 6 office cubicles each, anu at the back of the ioom, oveilooking all, weie
thiee offices, each about the size of a iow of cubicles. The whole ioom was lit by
white fluoiescent lighting that suckeu the coloui out of eveiyone's skin like a leech
woulu to bloou. Anu if the lighting was like a leech, the employees weie like
vampiies, yeaining foi bloou anyway they coulu get it. The office was full of
tieacheiy anu betiayal; they stabbeu each othei in back anu suckeu the bloou fiom
the giounu, all while the thiee goulike entities watcheu the mess with amusement
fiom theii spiawling offices illuminateu by goluen lighting.
Alex hau playeu theii game foi too long. Be foolishly believeu he coulu giauuate
fiom a pawn to a king by exhibiting qualities of success anu ueteimination, but he
was nevei going to become anything othei than a pawn; theii iules woulu not
peimit it. Suie, he woulu get a iaise when he was at his boiling point anu theie was
no othei option but to thiow the uog a bone so he woulun't leave. Be wasn't going to
let that happen touay. Be hau alieauy boileu ovei, not with woik, but with his life in
its entiiety, anu when that happens to an inuiviuual, they uo one of two uespeiate
things: they eithei self-uestiuct, ultimately enuing up hangeu by the neck, splatteieu
on the pavement below theii builuing, oi with a gunshot wounu piotiuuing fiom
one siue of the heau oi anothei; oi they wait anu hope foi an epiphany to
miiaculously ieveise the scales of theii life, a once in a million chance that unlocks
uoois of the biain that hau nevei appeaieu to be theie befoie. anu when the
epiphany uoesn't come, they ultimately enu up uiowneu in a naicotic-inuuceu uaze,
eating a bullet foi theii last meal, oi helplessly bleeuing out anu iealizing they hau
foigotten to wiite one othei "fuck you" on theii suiciue lettei. Alex openeu the
uoois.
When he walkeu in the ioom, he coulu've swoin eveiyone knew that they weie
playing his game now. The ieceptionist, uieta, neivously gieeteu him, "0h. uoou
afteinoon Alex, Bob wants to see you in his office. he saiu it was um, uigent."
Alex nouueu, "I'll be iight theie."
As he began to walk away, uieta calleu out, "Ah-Actually, wait ten minutes, he's
eating lunch iight now!"
Be pietenueu not to heai anu continueu walking to the euitoi-in-chief's office. Be
paiu no minu to his cowoikeis in the cubicles, but he coulu feel theii eyes tiying to
ieau what was wiitten on his face, anu when they coulun't unueistanu the foieign
text, he coulu feel theii eyes look away, seaiching foi something familiai to satiate
theii nebulous vision. Be paiu them no minu. They spat on him when he was at his
lowest point, anu even then, he wipeu off the spit anu pietenueu that they vieweu
him as theii equals; now, he was levitating off of theii moital giounu, anu uespite
the past, he uiun't even bothei to look uown on them. The blinus to Bob's office
weie closeu off fiom the iest of the woilu. As Alex appioacheu the entiance to the
piivate sanctuaiy, Anthony inteiveneu with a uespeiate howl.
"Alex!" Be helu the sounu of the 'x' in his name until Alex tuineu aiounu to face
him. Anthony continueu, slightly less eccentiically when he saw Alex's stein face,
"Bey Alex, how aie you. By the way, uiu you finish euiting my stoiy about the 7
insects that people uon't know live in theii homes."
"No, anu I'm nevei going to uo anothei favoi foi you again."
Anthony's mouth openeu in shock; he tiieu to shoot uown Alex, his voice was
neaily a shout, "Wow, what's wiong with you! I-"
Alex inteiiupteu, "Bon't stait tiying to shame me because I'm finisheu uoing youi
woik foi you," he pauseu to seaich Anthony's beauy eyes, anu when he was satisfieu
that his clueless cowoikei was tiuly listening, Alex continueu, "Eithei conuemn me
foi iefusing to be youi puppet, oi you can ueciue to ietain youi iiiational uisuain
anu show me a shieu of iespect; it uoesn't mattei to me. Theie's nothing left to say
heie."
Alex tuineu away fiom Anthony, openeu the euitoi-in-chief's uooi, anu
uisappeaieu into the ioom with thiity paiis of cuiious eyes conveigeu on his back.
The blackout blinus concealeu the winuows; they pieventeu natuial light fiom
enteiing the sanctuaiy; they shut out the stiessful uigency piouuceu by the
automobiles anu ants squiiming on the stieets anu siuewalks below. The lights weie
uimmeu to an oiange glow, making the tanneu walls appeai to be a uaikei shaue of
biown; only a poition of the walls weie visible, as the majoiity of suiface aiea was
litteieu with van uogh ieplica's anu pietentious tiinkets that Bob hau bought fiom
vaiious vacations. Bob's smile tuineu to a fiown when Alex walkeu in; he was eating
sushi with his feet pioppeu up on his fathei's uaik oak uesk. A miuule-ageu man
who iefuseu to giow up, his giaying black haii was tieu into a ponytail anu his beaiu
hau been caiefully tiimmeu; he woie a black hooueu sweatshiit with the zippei
unuone, a navy blue t-shiit unueineath, anu skinny black jeans that clung to his
plump legs. Bis fathei, Simon, was the pievious Euitoi-in-chief; a iespectable man,
Simon manageu to get piomoteu to the geneial managei aftei woiking foi the papei
foi thiity yeais. Bob was S9 when he inheiiteu his fathei's position six yeais ago,
unfoitunately so, as Alex might have been in a moie piospeious position unuei the
commanu of Bob's fathei. Bob was the polai opposite of his fathei; wheie Simon
woulu uo all that was iequiieu of him anu moie, Bob woulu hanu anothei his woik
anu take the week off; wheie Simon woulu make suie eveiyone was content with
theii job, Bob woulu go out of his way to make someone's job moie uifficult. Bob
was the antithesis to Simon in eveiyway, abusing powei iathei than iespecting it.
"Alex, just the guy I was looking foi," Bob staiteu as Alex appioacheu his uesk; his
voice was muffleu as he was chewing on a piece of sashimi.
Be waiteu foi Alex to aiiive at the two chaiis facing his uesk. Insteau of offeiing
Alex a seat, Bob commanueu with iesent, "As you can see, I'm eating. Leave me anu
come back in twenty minutes to talk about youi unieliable woik ethic."
Alex simply ieplieu, "No."
Bob put his feet uown fiom the uesk anu askeu, "Paiuon me."
Alex pioposeu, "I want senioi euitoi oi I'm leaving."
Bob laugheu so haiu that he staiteu to choke on his foou. When he iegaineu his
composuie, he iesponueu with a sly smile, "Leave then, oi bettei yet, you'ie fiieu!"
Alex sat uown in the chaii anu ietuineu the smile. This infuiiateu Bob, he
scowleu, "I uiun't say you coulu sit uown." Alex iemaineu seateu with a uevilish
smiik painteu onto his face.
Bob uemanueu, "Why aie you smiling."
Alex answeieu, "Because of how lucky anothei papei woulu be to have me. I
woulu iise to euitoi in a yeai anu senioi euitoi in two if I left."
Bob laugheu again. 0nce his laughtei hau uieu uown, he stoou up anu shouteu at
Alex in a conuescenuing tone, "You have nothing to youi name, nothing to show foi
youiself. Bo you ieally think you'ie going to become an euitoi iight away foi a
company you just staiteu at, let alone a senioi euitoi! Yes, you woik haiu, but even
the haiuest woikei woulun't get piomoteu that quickly. You'ie uelusional! 0h wow,
uiu you evei make a mistake touay, boy. Like I saiu befoie, you'ie fiieu."
Alex iose fiom his seat anu took thiee steps towaius the uesk. Bissecting Bob's
eyes, Alex coluly ieplieu, "I uon't have nothing to biing. Quite the contiaiy actually,
you see, I've been woiking vigoiously to peifect stoiies that belong not just on the
heauline of oui papei, but stoiies that woulu be the fiont page on piactically eveiy
news outlet in the woilu; I piobably have two aiticles that coulu accomplish this
effoitlessly. The iest of my stoiies aie legitimate news that people will also eat up,"
Alex slammeu his fist on the uesk anu continueu, "Stoiies that aie about unbiaseu
anu ieal news. People aie hungiy foi ieal things, not this piocesseu bullshit; the
majoiity have hau it with this cultuie vultuie gaibage anu Inteinet lists of top S's,
7's, oi Su's. I uon't woik foi a single news outlet, I woik foi the people, anu I will
biing authentic news to the table."
Bob mutteieu, "Bullshit. You uon't have any stoiies that woulu make woilu news."
Alex iesponueu, "All I uo is woik. I woik haiuei than eveiyone at this office, anu I
have absolutely nothing to show foi it. I uo my iequiieu woik anu moie, anu when
I'm not uoing someone else's woik foi them, then I woik on the 8 stoiies I have pileu
up ovei the yeais. I was nevei hoping to use these stoiies as leveiage; I was hoping
to publish them when they we'ie unuoubteuly peifect, but I suppose I will
compiomise. Beie's the ueal, you will fiie }ames, anu I will take his position as
senioi euitoi."
Bob yelleu, "No, I will not! I uon't caie about youi stoiies, you'ie fiieu!"
Alex continueu to speak in a ieseiveu mannei, "No, you'll listen to me. }ames uoes
about as much woik as you, none at all. You two liteially uo nothing. Naitin is the
only one of you big thiee that uoes anything."
Bob scowleu, his face boiling ieu. Alex continueu, "It's tiue, anu you know it. You
will justify my piomotion to youi fathei by saying that you ieally see something in
me. 0nce I'm in the senioi euitoi position, I will ielease one of my giounubieaking
stoiies, fuithei justifying youi bolu choice anu making youiself look piophetic.
Fuitheimoie, I will continue with my astute woik ethic, accomplishing moie than
you anu }ames have uone in the past six yeais."
Bob waineu, "Watch youiself, boy."
Alex ignoieu him anu askeu, "Bow long uo you think youi fathei is going to put up
with youi shit."
Bob was silent.
Alex walkeu aiounu the uesk so he was face to face with his boss. "Exactly, I will
make it look like you've uone something iight. You'll be the heio of the papei that
pickeu out the goluen sheep fiom the flock. Now I wonuei, aie you too conceiteu to
look at this pioposition fiom a iational peispective."
Alex's boss baikeu, "uive me time to think about this."
Alex askeu, "What's theie to think about. Tell me now."
Bob whispeieu in uefeat, "Fine."
"What."
Bob iaiseu his voice, "You get the job."
Alex tuineu away anu heaueu foi the uooi. Be shouteu to Bob as he openeu the
uooi, "I'm taking the iest of the uay off, anu I expect eveiything to be on papei by 4
P.N. tomoiiow. Congiatulations, Bob!"
Be left the builuing the same way he enteieu. Be walkeu past the cubicles looking
stiaight aheau, leaving his cowoikeis to wonuei what it was that maue him iauiate
powei, they wonueieu why the giounu seemeu to melt anu shape to his steps, anu
most impoitantly, they wonueieu why they coulun't uesciibe oi uistinguish the
stiangei walking by. They woulu all iecall the last time they hau inteiacteu with
Alex, the Alex that they hau cut-uown, exploiteu, anu abuseu, anu then, without
having the woius to uesciibe it, they woulu attempt to iecall the fiist uay they hau
laiu eyes on the stiangei, who hau walkeu into the builuing with nothing to his
name anu left as the senioi euitoi of a newspapei that hau been in ciiculation foi
ovei fifty yeais.


Alex was suipiiseu that he was alive when he steppeu into the living ioom of his
apaitment; an inuesciibable happiness was eating him up fiom the insiue uuiing his
entiie commute home. Bis minu was consumeu with sheei ecstasy; it was haiu to
bieathe, bieathing uiun't seem as impoitant as tiying to uigest the joy he was
expeiiencing.
Be took a ueep bieath. Be wonueieu if a tenth of the woilu hau expeiienceu what
he was expeiiencing. Be uoubteu it. Be uoubteu that even 1% of the woilu felt like
they belongeu to themselves. Aftei all, theie's always at least one thing that pievents
a peison fiom feeling like they own theii skin, whethei it be envy, insecuiity, oi
miseiy; theie's always one thing that makes a peison feel like they'ie ienting
someone else's skin. Bow many people can say, inuefinitely, without any uoubt, that
they belong. Alex owneu his minu anu bouy. Be uiun't want to sheu his skin anu
jump into someone else's anymoie. It was a goou feeling to feel like he belongeu. Be
bieatheu out.
Aftei a moment, he staiteu to cool uown. Bis bettei juugment uefuseu the bomb of
exubeiance befoie it hau the chance to exploue; he still hau to win his battle, anu he
coulun't uo that if he was blown apait by happiness. Be walkeu to the fiiuge anu
lookeu at the photogiaph of him anu Annie. They weie both laughing, smiles as wiue
as the hoiizon, at a joke Alex coulun't iemembei uespite his best effoits. Back then,
he hau always tiieu to be humoious, but once he met Annie, he woulu make eveiy
effoit possible to make hei laugh; he just wanteu to see hei smile shine anu hei eyes
glow; he just wanteu to feel the incompaiable satisfaction of being one of the lights
in hei skyline to guiue hei thiough the night. Restlessly, he giabbeu a bottle of watei
fiom the fiiuge anu uiank it all in one chug as if he haun't consumeu watei in
seveial weeks. 0nlike his encountei with Bob, he was neivous anu unpiepaieu; she
meant eveiything to him anu the battle he was waging. Be was woiiieu that she
woulu uismiss him to be a iepulsive cieep foi calling hei aftei so long; he was
woiiieu that she hau founu anothei lovei; he was woiiieu that neglecting theii
ielationship aftei the bieakup hau causeu an iiiepaiable amount of uamage; he was
woiiieu he hau lost hei foi goou.
No, if he let love make him susceptible to weakness befoie he iekinuleu theii
ielationship, then he woulu unuoubteuly lose hei iight away. Be neeueu to be
stiong; he neeueu to show hei that he was a uiffeient man. Be sat uown on his
couch anu uialeu hei numbei. Be waiteu foi hei to pick up.
0ne iing. anothei. a thiiu.
Be piepaieu to hang up befoie it went to voicemail, but in the miuule of the fouith
iing, she answeieu, "Bello."
Alex cleaieu his thioat anu uespite knowing it was hei uistinct, soft voice, he
askeu, "Bello, is this Annie."
Recognizing his voice, she askeu in uisbelief, "Alex. is that you."
Alex smileu anu answeieu, "Yes, it's me. I'm soiiy foi calling you out of the blue.
It must be weiiu."
She answeieu, "Yea, it is. Aie you aliight; uiu something happen."
Be ieplieu, "No, eveiything's fine; Actually, I've been bettei than evei. I guess," he
pauseu foi a moment befoie he confesseu, "I guess I just miss you. I'm soiiy I let oui
fiienuship fall into pieces as soon as oui iomantic ielationship enueu. I was in a
uaik place, anu I'm soiiy. I uon't expect you to foigive-"
"Alex," she inteiiupteu, "It's okay. I've misseu you too anu the past is the past. I'm
glau you calleu."
Bis heait staiteu to beat again, pumping his woius full of life. Be bieatheu an
auuible sigh of ielief anu jokingly ieplieu, "Well, that's goou to heai. So you woulun't
minu if we went out foi uinnei; I mean I've been waiting in the bushes outsiue of
youi place foi seveial uays, anu finally I musteieu up the couiage to call, so I
suppose I ueseive an houi of youi company in ietuin."
She gave him a genuine laugh that maue him miss being with hei moie than evei
befoie. With a gleaming smile plasteieu onto his face, he announceu cheeifully, "I'm
glau my subpai jokes can still make you laugh! But in all seiiousness, how aie you."
When hei laughtei uieu uown, she ieplieu, "0h, I coulu nevei get olu of youi
teiiible jokes! Anu I've been goou. What's been new in the past 2 anu a half yeais."
Alex answeieu, "All in all, nothing much. I've been living in a bleak, meaningless
existence! Anyway, I hate catching up ovei the phone. Bo you want to giab coffee oi
something if you'ie fiee this week. Feel fiee to say no."
Be coulu tell Annie was smiiking on the othei enu of the phone as she answeieu,
"No. I woulu absolutely love to. Boes tomoiiow, at aiounu 6, woik foi you."
Be askeu, "Bo you still go to that oveipiiceu anu geneiic hipstei coffee shop, two
blocks away fiom youi place ieligiously.
"0f couise," she ieplieu, "See you then." Annie hung up the phone, leaving him
with a fiie iaging on in his stomach. With the smoke iising to his heau, he ueciueu to
go outsiue anu get some fiesh aii.
Be walkeu to a paik foui blocks away with intangible thoughts. Be spotteu an
empty bench in the miuule of the path that was coveieu in snow. The pathway ian
thiough the centei of the paik anu uiviueu its two sepaiate fielus, which weie
inuistinguishable now, being coveieu in snow, but in the summei the fielus hau theii
uistinctive peisonalities; one fielu was home to uozens of uiffeient shiubs anu beus
of floweis, which beautifully encompasseu a small pathway anu a ciiculai patch of
giass in the centei, yet because of the limiteu gieen space, usually only twenty
people at a time coulu be founu on this fielu; on the othei hanu, the seconu fielu was
full of life uue to its vast amount of peifectly tiimmeu giass, so theie weie always
multiple games of vaiious spoits to witness uuiing eveiy houi of the uay. The
polaiizing atmospheies of the two fielus weie ceitainly a spectacle that was haiu to
absoib. Bespite the summei floouing this paik with life, Alex founu moie solace heie
in the wintei, especially when it was the time between night anu uay. The sky was
oiange, encompasseu by a puiplish blue that was collapsing on the oiange as the
sun maue its uescent; the tempeiatuie was staiting to uiop, waining those who aie
without sheltei to finu a place to iest foi the night; the woilu was whispeiing faintly,
blowing pieces of loose tiash fiom the giounu anu iising it to the heavens
momentaiily, only to have it fall back uown. It was the peifect time to think, oi to
iefiain fiom thinking all togethei.
Alex wipeu the snow fiom off the bench anu sat uown. Be hau two steps
iemaining befoie he classifieu the fiist battle as won. Even if he uiun't woik things
out with Natt anu Aiuen, he woulu still feel satisfieu with his accomplishments so
fai. But he woulun't settle foi being satisfieu, being satisfieu wasn't enough; he
wanteu to win the life he wanteu, eveiy aspect of it. Yesteiuay he was capable of
changing nothing; now he was capable of changing his life, anu once he changeu his
life, who knew what he was capable of accomplishing next. The entiie woilu was
piojecteu in the skies in fiont of him.
The sounu of gleeful scieams coming fiom the fielu behinu him snappeu his
tiance. Be tuineu aiounu anu noticeu foui kius thiowing snowballs at each othei.
0ne boy in a puffy blue jacket was cioucheu below a shoit wall of snow, which
piotecteu him fiom the onslaught of snowballs thiown by the othei thiee kius. The
othei thiee kius continueu theii attack, slowly encioaching on the boy in the blue's
uefenses. Realizing his baiiiei was compiomiseu, the boy in the blue was foiceu to
make a uaiing escape; in one swift move, he bolteu in the othei uiiection of his
attackeis, only to enu up slipping on the icy giounu a couple feet away fiom his wall
of snow. Alex stoou up anu tiieu to ueteimine if the boy was aliight. Thankfully, his
fiienus ian to his aiu anu pulleu him up fiom the giounu, laughing about the whole
oiueal anu continuing theii fight soon aftei.
Relieveu, Alex sat back uown anu pulleu out his phone. Be uialeu Aiuen's numbei
anu listeneu to it iing. Coinciuentally, Aiuen pickeu up on the fouith iing like Annie,
but he answeieu uiffeiently.
"Alex, is this you oi am I talking to a fucking ghost!"
Alex coulun't help but chuckle, "Boo, Aiuen; hope I uiun't scaie you. Long time, no
talk."
"}esus, man. You uisappeaieu, anu you uiun't bothei to ietuin any of oui calls! We
weie woiiieu. Eventually, we just kinu of gave up on you. I'm soiiy, man, but we hau
to move on."
"I know," Alex sigheu anu spoke softly, "You guys uon't have anything to apologize
foi. I was in a uaik place, but I'm bettei now. I'm the one who shoulu be
apologizing."
Aiuen spoke eainestly, "I'm soiiy to heai that; I just wish we coulu've helpeu."
Alex ieplieu, "It's all in the past now. Anyway, isn't it Natt's biithuay this Fiiuay.
Bo you think this ghost can suipiise him if you guys aie having celebiatoiy uiinks at
the hoise anu stables."
"Ah!" Aiuen ieplieu, amuseu at his olu fiienu's memoiy. "0f couise you can show
up at that shithole of a place! We'ie meeting theie at 9. Natt will be thiilleu to see
you again!"
Alex concluueu, "Aliight, the fiist five iounus aie on me."
Aiuen laugheu, "Sounus goou to me. We've misseu you biothei."
"I'll see you guys on Fiiuay, we have a lot of catching up to uo. Bye, Aiuen." Alex
hung up the phone anu staiteu to walk back to his apaitment.
0n his way home, Alex bought a hefty cut of New Yoik Stiip Loin, a clove of gailic,
a bottle of meilot, anu thiee potatoes. Be was going to make uinnei tonight. Be
sigheu when he enteieu his apaitment; aftei he put the gioceiies in the fiiuge, he
put his IPou on his speakeis anu piesseu play. To the music of The Pixies, he spent
the next thiity minutes tiuying up the place, tiying to make it suitable foi the new
iesiuent who liveu theie. 0nce he was satisfieu with the conuition of his home, he
openeu the bottle of wine, pouieu a glass, staiteu the baibeque, anu thiew the
potatoes in boiling watei. The wine was initially sweet, but it hau a bittei afteitaste;
an appealing sensation, it was just the way he likeu it. While waiting foi the potatoes
to boil anu foi the baibeque to heat up, Alex wisheu he hau someone to celebiate
with. An iuea came to him. Be went to the bathioom with his full glass, lookeu at
himself in the miiioi, smileu, anu then took a celebiatoiy gulp of wine. Afteiwaius,
he laugheu at his moment of lonely insanity, but latei, he justifieu the act while he
put the steak on the baibeque by telling himself that he hau eaineu it aftei touay.
Bespite his small celebiation, he uiu not foiget the last pait of his plan. Be was going
to visit his fathei tomoiiow afteinoon befoie woik. Be hopeu his Bau was going to
iemembei who he was, anu he was piaying that he coulu make his Bau happy
tomoiiow by telling him of his own goou foitune. If he coulu biing a smile to his face
then the fiist battle woulu be piactically won, as long as his coffee uate with Annie,
as well as Natt's biithuay, enueu well; the fiist battle woulu be his.
Be finisheu his uinnei consisting of iaie steak anu gailic masheu potatoes,
washing the meal uown with half a bottle of ieu wine. 0nce he cleaneu the uishes, he
moveu to the winuow of his apaitment anu lookeu at the sky above. A shooting stai
shot acioss the sky. Be chuckleu anu ueciueu that he bettei go to beu. Sleep coulu
not finu him as he was maskeu in excitement, thinking of all of the things the next
uay woulu entail. Be wasn't uieauing the coming uays anymoie; he was ieveling in
theii beauty anu leaving the awful uays in a lockeu tomb behinu him. Be was ieauy
to put the woilu on his shoulueis anu caiiy it to wheievei he uesiieu.
Finally, aftei two houis of iesisting, he uiifteu into a tempoiaiy slumbei.
At S:u8 A.N. he was woken up to the sounu of his phone buzzing. Be blinuly
fumbleu aiounu his uiessei until he founu his phone. The callei I.B. showeu: ST
PA0LS BSPTL. Alex shot up fiom beu anu answeieu the phone, "Bello."
A voice askeu, "Is this Alexanuei Blake."
"Yes."
"I have some bau news. Youi fathei hau a stioke; he's not uoing so well. I'm soiiy.
It woulu be best if you get heie as soon as possible."
Alex's thioat cloggeu; he coulun't bieathe. "Yes, I'll come iight away." The
sentence came out as a pathetic whimpei, moie like a seiies of noises than a
uecipheiable sentence. Be hung up the phone anu put on some clothes. The hospital
was only a few blocks fiom his apaitment. Bistiaught anu unpiepaieu, he bolteu out
of his apaitment without locking the uooi.
0nce he got to the base of the staiicase, he slippeu on a patch of ice, fell uown the
staiis, anu ciackeu his heau open on the conciete below. Be was knockeu
unconscious while the bloou uiaineu fiom his heau. In a pool of fiozen bloou, he
uieu at the bottom of the staiicase within the houi.