SCREDDIT ATTACK LEAGUE - WEEK 1

Written by
/u/WithjusTapistol
FADE IN:
INT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT
A stage bathed in blacklights. A STRIPPER wearing an odd
clown costume swings recklessly around the only pole in the
joint.
We watch for a beat as the music plays and she strips. She
crawls to the front of the stage.
REVEAL: JOSH, JACOB, KEVIN, and RYAN. All in their early
twenties and fairly hammered except for Ryan.
The place is dead. A couple of GIRLS wait at the bar for
their turn on stage.
The music winds down.
KEVIN
Show me your tits!
The stripper looks down confused. Shes completely naked save
for her clown hat and frilly thong.
She wiggles her shoulders back and forth, shaking her
breasts.
KEVIN (CONTD)
YEAH!
Josh and Jacob exchange drunken grins. Ryan, sitting behind
the other three, leans forward.
RYAN
Its almost 2.
The other three look back.
JACOB
Are we going home after this?
KEVIN
No! Its my birthday!
JOSH
Youre birthdays over. Its past
midnight.
KEVIN
(sincerely offended)
Thats not how it works, dude.
(MORE)
Its my birthweek. We have to do
what I want.
JACOB
Birthweek?
JOSH
Its not worth it, man.
KEVIN
Whats that supposed to mean?
JOSH
Nothing, nothing. Well stay out as
long as you want.
(to ryan)
Thats cool, right?
RYAN
Thats fine. Like I said, Im cool
with whatever.
Another song begins. Kevin snaps back to happy and spins
around to face the stage.
KEVIN
(to the stripper)
Wheres your big red nose?
She smiles meekly and shrugs.
JOSH
(to jacob)
Cmon, lets do another shot.
Jacob hesitates.
JOSH (CONTD)
Ill buy.
AT THE BAR
The two of them throw back double shots of whiskey.
BARTENDER
More?
Josh grimaces and waves him off.
JACOB
Im. Drunk.
2.
KEVIN (CONT'D)
JOSH
Yep. Tomorrow is gonna be awesome.
JACOB
Ugh.
JOSH
(to bartender)
Hey. Whats with the clown?
Without looking up the Bartender shakes his head.
BARTENDER
New girl. One of the others got her
to wear it.
He gestures to the other strippers at the bar, all smirking
at the show.
JACOB
Jeez.
Kevin can be heard cheering in the background.
JACOB (CONTD)
Im gonna go take a piss.
Josh waits until Jacob is out of earshot--
JOSH
Ok, gimme another then settle my
tab.
The bartender slides another double his way -- already poured
-- and he knocks it back.
The stripper comes up behind, clown top back on, and taps him
on the shoulder.
STRIPPER
(hesitant)
Your friend bought you a lap dance.
JOSH
Uh...
She points back at Kevin, silently howling with laughter.
Ryan shrugs his shoulders.
The other girls snicker. Her face turns red. Seeing her
embarrassment he stands.
JOSH (CONTD)
Lead the way.
3.
One of the girls tosses her a lollipop as he starts to follow
her.
GIRL
Remember what I showed ya.
VIP ROOM
Josh sits on his hands as another song blares out from the
speakers above.
The stripper unwraps the lollipop and sticks it in her mouth,
trying to look as sexy as a clown can.
She starts to sway with the music. After a bit she slips the
clown top off and tosses it aside.
JOSH
Much better.
STRIPPER
(leaning forward to hear)
What?
JOSH
I said you look better.
Her confidence picks up and she climbs on to his lap to
grind; cowgirl style.
He relaxes and nods his head to the beat.
STRIPPER
Whats your name?
JOSH
Josh. You?
STRIPPER
Alison.
Alison turns again to face him and continues to gyrate.
JOSH
(trying to be smooth)
No, I want to know the name your
mother calls you.
ALISON
Huh?
4.
JOSH
You know, not your stripper name.
Your real name.
ALISON
My name is Alison.
JOSH
Oh.
ALISON
(serious)
Is Josh just your stripper name?
JOSH
Are you messing with me?
She cracks a smile and laughs.
JOSH (CONTD)
Ha. That was good.
She keeps dancing and they hold eye contact for a beat.
JOSH (CONTD)
I like you.
His words break the spell and she changes to another
position.
He looks over her shoulder, through the curtains of the room,
and sees the other guys waiting at the bar.
JOSH (CONTD)
I should take off soon.
She faces him again.
ALISON
Okay. Oh wait--
Alison pops the sucker out of her mouth and shoves it into
his.
Horrified he shoots up from the chair, sending Alison rolling
on to the ground.
He throws the sucker down and wretches.
The girls at the bar cackle like witches, witnessing
everything through the curtain.
Her face falls as she realizes it was a prank.
5.
JOSH
Fuck--
(seeing her face)
Uh, sorry... I have to go.
He exits, leaving her lying mortified.
EXT. STRIP CLUB PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The four guys head to the only car in the lot.
KEVIN
How was my dance, bro?
JOSH
Jesus Christ.
KEVIN
What?
JOSH
You guys didnt see that?
They all shake their heads.
JOSH (CONTD)
She shoved her fucking sucker into
my mouth.
Beat. They burst out laughing.
JOSH (CONTD)
Its not funny.
RYAN
What? You afraid youll get Clown-
Aids?
They reach the car and pile in.
I/E. RYANS CAR - CONTINUOUS
JOSH
First of all, I think that
may be offensive.
JACOB
Are we going home?
KEVIN
Hell no!
6.
JOSH
And second, you cant get Aids that
way. I dont think. Can you get
Aids that way?
RYAN
Where are we going?
KEVIN
Lets do Kozy!
JACOB
You cant get aids that way. You
can get other shit.
JOSH
Fuck Kozy. Wait, what can you get?
Ryan starts the car. They pull on to the main drag. Barely
any traffic.
JACOB
Herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, HPV,
and probably other shit.
KEVIN
Birthweek bitches. Were going to
Kozy Kitchen.
JOSH
You fucking with me?
KEVIN
Dude, its my--
JOSH
Not you. Jacob, are you
serious?
KEVIN
Dont cut me off.
JACOB
Yea, but the chances of that
happening are pretty slim.
Kevin punches Josh in the arm.
JOSH
Dont. We are going to Kozy. Just
dont start that shit.
Kevin feigns another punch but backs off.
KEVIN
At least I dont have clown-herpes.
7.
A WHITE NISSAN just ahead of them with California plates
swerves into their lane.
Ryan jerks the wheel to the left, sending the car into
oncoming traffic.
KEVIN (CONTD)
Ryan!
Ryan pulls back into their lane, narrowly missing a semi.
The nissan continues to weave back and forth along the road.
JACOB
Pass this guy.
RYAN
Im not gettin hit.
JOSH
Its gonna take forever to get
there if we dont.
RYAN
Fine.
Jacob rolls down his window and leans out as Ryan accelerates
to pass.
JACOB
Quit Californicatin Oregon!
As they get parallel with the nissan we get a glimpse of the
DRIVER staring blankly at them.
They jet down the road, leaving us with--
I/E. WHITE NISSAN - CONTINUOUS
The drivers right arm has a huge chunk of flesh torn out. He
struggles to breathe as he keeps looking between the moon --
almost full -- and the road.
Swerving back and forth. Moon. Road.
I/E. RYANS CAR - MOMENTS LATER
JACOB
Did you see that guy?
JOSH
What?
8.
JACOB
He looked fucking wasted.
KEVIN
Ha, he heard it was my birthday.
JOSH
Its not your birthday.
Kevin slugs him again. Josh raises his arm and Kevin flinches
back.
RYAN
Dont do that shit in my car.
JOSH
Were done.
Josh turns away from Kevin. Kevin sucker punches him again in
the shoulder.
JOSH (CONTD)
Fuck!
RYAN
I said stop. No Kozy if you do that
again.
JACOB
I wonder if we should call the cops
on that guy.
Josh rubs his shoulder and gives Kevin a death-glare.
JOSH
Screw it. Were all fucked up too.
RYAN
Im not.
JOSH
Still, there isnt anyone out
anyways. Its Wednesday. Or would
it be Thursday now?
A bright dingy sign reading THE KOZY KITCHEN comes into
view.
EXT. THE KOZY KITCHEN - NIGHT
They pull into the large parking lot of a strip mall. At its
far corner sits the only place open: THE KOZY KITCHEN.
9.
It looks like any other small town diner, but is surprisingly
busy.
Ryan parks the car. They hop out and start making their way
across the lot.
JACOB
(looking up)
Check out how clear the moon is
tonight.
All four look up for a bit. Josh slugs Kevin in the shoulder.
KEVIN
AH! That was way harder than I hit
you.
JOSH
Those were all of yours combined.
Its even now.
The white nissan drives into the parking lot and parks
sideways a few spaces back. Ryan nudges Jacob, pointing back
at it.
JACOB
At least hes off the road.
Kevin and Josh follow their lead and look back.
JOSH
Dudes probably already passed out.
He dodges a swing from Kevin and skips inside the diner. The
rest follow.
A yellow cab pulls up. Out hops Alison, now wearing glasses
and sporting a pony tail and looking nothing like a stripper.
She pays and steps inside the diner.
I/E. WHITE NISSAN - SAME
The car is perfectly lined up with the moon. The driver
stares up, mouth open.
He lets out a steady dry wheeze that slowly builds into an
unnerving WHINE while we pull in tight on the moon. Its
brilliantly full save for a tiny sliver on the right.
The WHINE morphs into an eerie low growl.
CUT TO:
10.