Gender differences in communication styles.

Notes for discussion by Walter vom Saal

Below are summaries of two books that claim there are significant and consistent differences in
communication styles between men and women. One is a popular book for the general public; the second
is more professionally oriented and based on research. It is interesting how much overlap there is in the
views of these two authors.
Gray, John (1992). Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: a practical guide for improving
communication and getting what you want in relationships. New York: HarperCollins.
This book was a best seller in 1995; it is entertaining and easy to read. The author argues that men and
women are from different planets: they have different needs, goals, values, and communication styles.
He claims that understanding these differences is the key to successful relationships. Differences include:
- when talking about a problem, women want empathy and understanding but men offer solutions.
- a womans sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships; a mans
sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.
- women are relationship oriented; men are goal oriented.
- mistakes women and men make in conversations: a woman follows her natural tendency to offer
unsolicited advice, but the man sees it as questioning his competence and ability; a man follows his
natural tendency to offer solutions, but the woman sees it as invalidating her feelings.
- women cope with stress by reaching out and talking; men cope with stress by withdrawing (Chapter 3:
men go to their caves and women talk").
- women want to feel cherished; men want to feel needed.
- women want respect and devotion; men want appreciation and admiration.
Tannen, Deborah (1990). You just dont understand: women and men in conversation. New York:
Ballantine Books (paperback).
This book is an easy-to-read description of the ways women and men miscommunicate because of their
different words and different worlds. Summary:
MEN: WOMEN:
live in a world of status live in a world of connections
conversations are negotiations for power conversations are negotiations for closeness
want to preserve independence want to preserve intimacy
seek to win, avoid failure seek closeness, avoid isolation
avoid taking orders (since that means low
status and loss of independence)
ok with taking orders (if it is perceived as
forming a connection)
seek control seek understanding
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prefer inequality and asymmetry prefer equality and symmetry
are adversarial (with conflicting goals) are synergistic (with common goals)
value differences value similarities
goal of conversation: transmit information goal of conversation: maintain interaction
offer advice seek connection and understanding
IMPORTANT NOTE:
Although these two authors suggest a general agreement on ways in which men and women differ, not
everyone agrees with them. In particular, it is critical to understand that even if there may be average
tendencies in the directions they suggest, these generalizations certainly do not apply to all men and all
women. There are certainly some men who would fit the communication characteristics described here as
common to women, and there are certainly some women who would fit the characteristics described here
as common to men. As in other characteristics we have discussed in this course, it may be more useful to
understand that different people may have different ways of communicating, than to assume that all
women communicate one way and all men communicate another way.
10/4/05
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