The Elf and the Boot

A tapestry of tales for children who are....different...

Deep in the forest a tiny elf
was muttering miserably to himself
Where has it got to? Where can it be?
Why does this have to happen to me?
Underneath the prickly pine
a bullfrog heard him whinge and whine.
Cheer up mate you got your health !
what more do you want? "ou#re only an elf$
%y nature &#m a cheerful chappy
not at all a grumpy gnome.
"esterday my life was happy.
"esterday & had a home.
'(he owl being a wise old bird
was loath to take him at his word.
%ut now with his curiosity stirred
he was dying to know what had occurred)
(he other day the elf e*plained
remember how it rained and rained?
(hrough several puddles & had to swim
before stumbling on a discarded limb...
A limb you say? e*claimed the owl.
A leg in fact + the stench was foul !
a soldier#s ,udging by the suit
and on the foot a muddy boot.
As you see &#m very small.
&t took me hours to pull it off.
%ut that & didn#t mind at all
for now &#d found a cosy home
a tiny house to call my own.
& cleaned it up with all my spit
till it was nice shiny
and fit
for a toff$
%ut coming back from work today
& find that much to my dismay
my nice new home has run away
leaving me forlorn and -uite
without a place to spend the night$
.mm...&#d like to help the owl said
but it#s time for me to go to bed.
/h...you#ve caught me on a busy day
the bullfrog croaked as he swam away.
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1eanwhile...
not too far away
in the 2and of 3hyme
the %oot was having a whale of a time.
&#m free at last$ it thought.
4o more parades or standing in line
no more battles to be fought.
Civilian life will suit me ,ust fine$
4o thoughts now of war and pillage
as the %oot approached a village
where a church with a crooked steeple
was crammed full of village people.
After everyone had prayed
the children all ran out and played.
A little girl dressed white and pretty
was skipping as she sang this ditty5
A wicked old witch
suffered an itch
and asked Prince Charming to scratch it.
Then young Cinderella
yelled hey, thats MY fella
and !roceeded to "ury the hatchet.
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(he 6lf was feeling very tired
after all that had transpired.
%ut on he went with a heavy tread
then suddenly a strange thought popped right into his head...
.ang about...why has everyone been talking funny including me? &t#s been going on for as long as
& can remember.
.e was now standing in a field where a sheep also stood looking at him blankly. (he 6lf sat down
on a log and began to ponder about things he#d never thought about before.
Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? Why do & e*ist?'(he sheep was very pu77led. .e
had never heard anyone ask such -uestions before$)
8rom now on &#ll talk in a different way
the 6lf declared it starts today !
free from the never!ending refrain !
oh goodness there & go again$
(he sheep was seldom ever flurried
but on this occasion he grew visibly worried.
Don#t you know it#s a capital crime
to speak in anything other than rhyme?
&n any bush a little bird
might overhear your every word.
&f you stray from this resolution
the 9ing will order your e*ecution
"ou realise it#s all a ruse
to make us watch our :s and ;s.
(he 6lf was grateful for the warning
and bid his woolly friend good morning.
.e saw that rules were for the best
and set off once more on his -uest.
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(he 9ing was in his counting!house counting out the money
the ;ueen was in the parlour eating bread and honey
the :rince was in the garden struggling for the words
to stop his sister trying to pull the wings off all the birds.
& wish you wouldn#t do that he very gently said
it#s rather cruel + why can#t you p!paint or r!read a b!book instead?
(he :rincess cried that#s such a bore &#d have to use my brain.
&t#s much more fun to torture things and hear them scream with pain$
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&#m not feeling very well .is 1a,esty protested.
<o and find the Chancellor and have the man arrested$
6veryone knew better than to ask the 9ing what for?
.is money wasn#t piling up as fast as the day before.
#orgi$e me wrote the Wi7ard if % urgently ad$ise&
the garden has too many gnomes, lets cut them down to si'e
'the 9ing felt so much better
when he read the Wi7ard#s letter)
%f % might "e so "old,
further sa$ings could "e made&
with not so many dragons, sire,
your knights are o$er(!aid.
Theres something else, Your Ma)esty,
% think you should "e told&
an enter!rising gnome is s!inning
corn into gold
*um!elstiltskin is his name,
if % am not mistaken.
+ith his skill,
this creature will
hel! to sa$e our "acon
4o sooner was the order made
to fetch the savvy gnome
than guards arrived outside his house
and dragged him from his home.
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Cinderella took her broom
and swept the dust out of the room.
At least a minute more she toiled
before the kettle finally boiled.
=he was ,ust about to pour
when a knock came at the door.
/n the doorstep bright and chipper
stood the :rince
and in his hand...a sli!!er.
& think it#s yours he gently said
you dropped it in your dream.
'the slipper was a woolly one
-uite worn!out at the seam)
=houldn#t that be made of glass?
she scoffed it#s -uite alarming
to think that in my dream we danced
and & actually found you charming$
=he couldn#t help but wonder
as he stood there with the slipper
why it was that in her sleep
the :rince had seemed much hipper.
2ittle did she know that
this was all the Witch#s doing.
6vil spells were being cast
while Cinders# tea was stewing...
...now let me see...for lust and greed
what ingredients will % need?
,rat %m out of li'ards eyes,
%ll )ust ha$e to im!ro$ise...
A little this, a little that,
li$er from a $am!ire "at...
throw it all into the !ot.
-tir it well till !i!ing hot
'With her spells you#d find no fault
if taken with a pinch of salt.
.er wickedness and sleight of hand
spread chaos all across the land.)
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With all the bread and honey gone
the ;ueen picked up a biscuit.
(hen she put it down again
deciding not to risk it.
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/n the outskirts of the wood
some village children played.
/ne of them a little boy
was very much afraid.
(he others liked to laugh at him
and poke him with a stick.
%ut to really make him scream
this song would do the trick5
.a$e you heard the .umming Man?
.e hums a merry note.
.ere he is, the .umming Man,
hes come to slit your throat
(he 6lf had only ,ust arrived
and overheard their singing.
Approaching now the crooked church
where sunday bells were ringing
he thought Well here#s a pleasant spot
in which to settle down.
(hose children sing like angels
this must be a friendly town$
.e really was e*hausted
having trekked a tortuous route>
but still he could not rest his feet
until he found the %oot.
.e found the %oot all spic and span
and very much in love
with Cinderella#s sli!!er
which had fallen from above.
'.ow this came to happen
is not entirely clear !
someone said they saw the Witch
fly over so & hear)
=eeing there the ob,ect
that had caused his sorry plight
the 6lf was so enraged he kicked
the %oot with all his might.
An*ious not to let the =lipper
see its leather crack
it thought let#s nip this in the bud
and promptly kicked him back.
(he angry 6lf got up again
and launched a fresh tirade.
.is swearing could be heard
by fairies all across the glade.
Determined as the %oot was
to continue with its flirt
it gave the 6lf a second kick !
but this time where it hurt.
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A beggar putting his ear to the castle wall
might catch the sound of wheels turning
of bones cracking
and fingers snapping.
?illagers lifting their noses into the air
may catch the smell of witches burning...
A prisoner with his face pressed up to the bars
might catch a glimpse of the whip cracking
and teeth gnashing...
3umpelstilskin chained to his wheel
in his dungeon dark and cold
slaving away till the ne*t meal
spinning the corn there into gold !
corn that could have made the bread
to feed the hungry now instead
would feed
the need
of the 9ing to keep
his money piling up in a heap.
=o rich now was he becoming
the news spread fast via minstrels strumming
that knights would come from every -uarter
seeking the hand of the 9ing#s daughter.
(he :rincess none too keen to wed
preferred to spend the day in bed...
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/ne chap known as 2ancelot
had -uite a reputation
for having lots of lances and
ideas above his station.
.is youth he spent on horseback
marauding through the town.
%ut now his spurs were rusty
it was time to settle down.
=aid the ;ueen .e#s ,ust the sort of fellow
we should be imploring
to get our daughter out of bed
and stop her wretched snoring$
(he 9ing agreed saying
"es a knight in shining armour
might help to put her in her place.
2ife would be so much calmer.
As long as he has courage
and his smile isn#t cheesy !
perhaps we should ensure the -uest
we set is not too easy.
(he Wi7ard waved his magic wand
and made a tower of thorns.
At the top a bed with angels
standing by with horns5
Whoever first climbs
this thorny tower to the top
will take the :rincess as his bride
or else face the chop$
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(he =lipper and the %oot
continued with their courtship.
Wherever the =lipper wandered
the %oot was close at heel.
:eople coming out of church
seeing wool and leather
said 4o way on <od#s earth
should these two be together.
As simple Christian folk
we#re gonna show#em how we feel$
4ow they#d found a reason
to start the hunting season
the mob went in pursuit
of the =lipper and the %oot
over hill and dale
through the thunder and the rain
till the mob was struck by lightning
and was never seen again.
=aid the Witch as she flew over
(hat had nowt to do with me$
A likely story thought the /wl
who was perched up in the tree.
.e spread his wings and flew up
high above her in disdain.
(his is all too much
& certainly won#t be nesting here again$
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(he children of the village
were playing by the well.
/ften they would fish for coins
undaunted by the smell.
Any traveller passing through
would have to hold his breath.
Any e*ecutioner
would know the smell of death.
A band of widows all in black
proudly made their way
towards the children playing.
(his what they had to say5
2et#s gather we women around the well
each with our story grim to tell
of beggar and thief
of knight and s-uire.
Come ,oin us &
n our mournful choir$
6very day the soldiers bring
the heads of those who offend the 9ing.
6very day we wonder why
our sons and husbands had to die.
(hough deep the well and deep the pain
our tears will make them rise again.
"e floating heads we wait above
to kiss the lips of those we love.
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/n top of the thorny tower
the :rincess lay a!snoring.
8our!and!twenty blackbirds high
above her bed were soaring.
We#re safe now from her cruelty$
they all e*claimed in chorus.
%ut let us not forget the plight
of those who went before us.
(he :rincess slept so soundly
in that elevated place
till suddenly the flock swooped down
and pooped right in her face.
(he gold meanwhile was piling up
from 3umpelstilskin#s spinning.
(he 9ing had grown much richer
than he#d been in the beginning.
.e was so glad
he had
the thorny tower built so tall
for now he didn#t want
his daughter woken up at all$
(o scale that prickly column
knights would have to be inventive
though he worried that the gold might prove
too much of an incentive.
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3umpelstilskin span his wheel
his cell so dark and dingy.
=ome candles would have been a treat
but the 9ing was far too stingy.
=o he had to work
with barely any light at all
e*cept for
a solitary chink in the wall.
At a certain time of day
and ,ust for half an hour
the sun would shine to let the gnome
behold the thorny tower.
4o sooner did he spy
the :rincess fast asleep above
than poor 3umpel slipped
fell off his stool
and hopelessly in love.
8rom that day on insanity
,ust dribbled from his mouth
whilst the swallows ate up all the corn
before they headed south.
4o more corn so no more gold
the 9ing was very gently told.
.e flew into a royal rage
and lashed out at the nearest page.
4ever mind dear try a pasty
said the ;ueen Don#t be so nasty$
When we#ve food that#s this delicious
there#s no need to be so vicious.
With steam emerging from his crown
he snatched her plate and threw it down.
:asties flew across the floor
as the page fled out the door.
8rom now on we#re cutting down !
no frills ,ust bread and water
until we find some foolish knight
to wed our wretched daughter$
&magine his reaction then
when asked by Cook to try
four!and!twenty blackbirds
baked in a pie$
%ut when the pie was opened
some nostrils did appear.
8ork in hand the 9ing said
what on earth do we have here?
1eanwhile in the garden
the 1aid without her clothes
was mumbling like a lunatic
and searching for her nose.
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%elieving as advertised
the fortune to be won
2ancelot trained hard
keeping up his daily run
:ractising his ,ousting
and bare!knuckle fights !
the only problem being
he was terrified of heights.
.e had looked down on other boys
and bullied them of course
but the highest he had ever been
was .annibal the horse.
.annibal was past it
and getting rather old !
no longer walked in straight lines
nor did as he was told.
2ance could see the tower
and the :rincess up there for the taking.
=eeing ,ust how high it was
his knees and armour started shaking.
.e went to pick a rose for her
the freshest one in bud>
but pricked his thumb and fainted
at the sight of his own blood$
(he Witch was fond of 2ancelot
and liked the :rincess too.
=he consulted her book of spells
to see what she could do...
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