Tony Jiang

Expository Writing: The Body as Art

Professor Marsha Libina
Notes to Jessica Kang on Essay 2 Draft
Positives:
1. Your essay succeeds in addressing the merit of the author, especially in paragraph three, where you
stated that Goffens argument persuasively shows that Venus sexuality is reproductive and represents
the brides fertility. You then proceeded to support this topic sentence by citing the evidence provided
by Goffen in her essay such as the medical treatises and the contractions of Venus left hand.

2. You made an excellent observation that previously wasnt addressed by Goffen at the end of paragraph
seven: you talk about the crossing of her legs and what that action implies. You make this observation and
make it directly assist in your claim that she is not consenting to the Duke. You also provided a
juxtaposition in your argument, saying If her legs were open which really aided in fortifying that piece
of evidence in your favor.

3. Your concluding line really captured the essence of your argument in one sentence, saying that Venus is
a guide for Giulia to follow and look up to in this painting, but she doesnt speak on behalf of Julia.
However, in the previous sentence you cite the quote sexual consummation to seal the marital union
and children to bless it, saying that it what is expected in a marriage. But if sexual consummation is
necessary to seal the marital union, isnt it inevitable that Giulia would need to consent to allow for this
sealing of the marital union to happen?
Negatives:
1. There was somewhat of an awkward break between paragraphs six and seven. Your third paragraph is still
addressing the merit in Goffens essay, citing her evidence and reiterating her points that prove her
overall claim concerning the fertility of the bride. However, your fourth paragraph immediately shifts
toward the flaw without much fluid transition between the two ideas. Perhaps you should insert a clause
at the beginning of your topic sentence of paragraph four to help smooth the shift.

2. In the middle of paragraph four, you argue Conception requires two people, so it isnt fair to assume that
Venus was only look[ing] at one specific person. It seems like it would be a bad practice to use the phrase
it isnt fair as the justification for a counter-argument. Titian probably didnt have fairness as a top
priority in his mind when painting this marital picture. You probably actually meant something else other
than it not being fair, so try to replace it isnt fair with what you really meant.

3. In paragraph seven, you argue that It is wrong to assume that Giulia was given her consent at that time
because she was so young. She wasnt even biologically a woman at that time. This is a stand-alone valid
point. However, earlier you argued that she [Venus] is representing a mature state of Giulia. These
arguments pose a somewhat awkward, conflicting relationship with each other because the former
implies that the painting was, as you said, representative of Julia at her current age and then the latter
explicitly states that the painting is representative of Julia in her future, mature state.