JourneyQuest

SEASON 1
Short Revised Script
Episodes 1-5
&
UnderQuest Episodes 2 & 3
by
Matt Vancil
March 10, 2010
JourneyQuest Episode 1: ONWARD!
EXT. WILDERNESS CAMPSITE -- DAY 1 1
PERF, a wizard in stained yellow robes, sprawls face-down on
the cold, hard ground. He SNORTS awake, jerks upright.
Perf looks over the dead campfire at his companions: CARROW,
a robed priest, and NARA, an elfmaid with green head-wrap and
a distinctive double crescent moon tattoo on her jaw.
Perf points at the empty bedroll between Nara and Carrow.
PERF
Is he gone?
CARROW
Bad idea.
Perf grabs his spell book, scrambles up, and sprints madly
off into the distance. Carrow watches him go.
CARROW
Come on. Lets go save our wizard.
Nara doesnt look up from her collection of maps.
EXT. WILDERNESS MONTAGE -- DAY 2 2
Perf sprints cross-country, a yellow speck in the wilderness.
EXT. THE CLIFFS -- BOTTOM OF THE CLIFFS -- DAY 3 3
Perf WHEEZES to a stop near some cliffs, hands on his knees.
GLORION (O.S.)
I! Am! HONOR!
GLORION -- a handsome, lantern-jawed warrior -- tackles and
straddles Perf. He unleashes a heartfelt, menacing LAUGH.
GLORION
Why, Superfluous! You wouldnt be
attempting to abandon our quest,
now, would you?
PERF
No! I was scouting! Bush-blazing
and trail-whacking and the like --
GLORION
Seems to me youre in need of a
little more encouragement!
PERF
Sod, not encouragement. Mercy!
GLORION
Oh, Perf! Im far too brave to
grant you mercy!
Glorion punches him. Perf YELPS, tries ineffectively to
defend himself. Glorion bellows a LAUGH, keeps punching.
GLORION
Dont resist! Theres a good lad!
Let the encouragement sink in!
Punch, punch, punch. WHIMPER, YELP, WHINE.
Carrow and Nara arrive at a walk.
CARROW
All right. Thats enough. Hes
learned his lesson. Yet again.
Glorion bellows his LAUGH, swings off Perf. He draws his
sword in a dramatic sword-drawing move and points off.
GLORION
ONWARD!
He yells this pretty much in Naras pointed ears, jolting her.
Perf hauls himself to his feet next to Nara, whos rubbing
her ears. He plays off the pain hes in.
PERF
Nara. Hey. How are you? Glorion
and I were just discussing quest
strategy. Tactics and such.
NARA
Youre bleeding.
PERF
Or so it would seem!
He waves magic fingers at her. She looks past him at
something in the distance.
Perf wipes his bloody nose on a bloodstained bit of sleeve.
2.
PERF
So Ive been working on a new
spell. Its pretty advanced. High
level magic, Black Robe stuff.
Well, Blue at least. Youd like
it. Its a --
She SHUSHES him, points off -- and up.
ANGLE ON: The ruins of an enormous temple complex perch atop
the cliffs, stretching as far as the eye can see.
NARA
There it is. We found it.
CARROW
The Temple of All Dooms.
PERF
(deflating)
Yay.
GLORION
And somewhere inside ... my sword!
He repeats his dramatic sword-draw.
GLORION
ONWARD!
Again, right in Naras nears. She claps her hands over them.
NARA
Always with the shouting.
EXT. TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS -- THE CLIFFS -- DAY 4 4
The temple wall rises hundreds of feet above the forest floor.
Carrow, holy symbol in hand, touches Perfs face and casts a
spell. Perfs bloody nose heals.
PERF
Right, bad idea.
(beat)
So ... The Temple of All Dooms?
Really? All of them?
CARROW
Well, not likely. But the Temple
of Some Dooms doesnt have quite
the same punch.
3.
GLORION
Who cares what its called? What
matters is whats inside!
PERF
Yes. Dooms. Specifically, ours.
Nara slips silently between the trees to rejoin the group.
NARA
Its solid stone all the way
around. Theres no way in.
GLORION
BLAST! I did not come hundreds of
miles and slay thousands of Orcs
just to be thwarted here!
CARROW
Yes, about that. Im not entirely
sure you had to kill all those Orcs.
GLORION
I ... dont follow.
CARROW
Youve killed every single Orc to
cross our path. And several nowhere
near that path. Im not entirely
convinced that was necessary.
GLORION
You lost me.
CARROW
You killed every last Orc in that
village.
PERF
And that retirement village.
GLORION
I was too brave to spare the
elderly!
CARROW
The women, the children --
GLORION
Killing equals honor!
In the distance, a pair of green-skinned ORCS -- RILK the 4A 4A
Wise and WHARRGARBL the Incensed -- watches from the woods.
4.
WHARRGARBL
Zomur aka. Klergul Ork-
shaggak!
(SUBTITLE)
There he is. The bastard
Orcslayer!
His keen eyes on the party, Rilk slaps Wharrgarbl.
RILK
Slart. Heklart gadzruluz.
(SUBTITLE)
Quiet. Get the others.
WHARRGARBL
Duzsart gadzruluz! Pumart
nubudz muluz ka! Muluz shedz
viska!
(SUBTITLE)
Sod the others! Lets just
kill them! Gut them good!
RILK
Nohart drud heszudz. Queszt
keka-regax ul aka.
(SUBTITLE)
Keep your blood down. Thats
how we get slaughtered.
Rilk paints a rune on a tree. Wharrgarbl brandishes a
horrid, many-tongued blade.
WHARRGARBL
Matha-gax muluz pekka! Nod
kelled fokkad aka!
(SUBTITLE)
We can take them! My rape-
knife is ready!
RILK
Medj, net nod tuo aka.
(SUBTITLE)
Yeah, well, mines back at
camp.
WHARRGARBL
Djag kazkudz. Petkart
nedzudz.
(SUBTITLE)
I have plenty. Take your
pick.
Wharrgarbl whips out four more rape-knives.
RILK
Quesztkas ash-muras?
(SUBTITLE)
How many of those did you
bring?
WHARRGARBL
Gadz kathag. Zwek?
(SUBTITLE)
I dont know. Twelve?
WREN (O.S.)
SOD!
Nara whirls towards the scream. The Orcs flatten themselves. 4 4
Nara bounds towards the sound, completely missing the Orcs.
EXT. RIDDLE PILLAR -- THE WOODS -- DAY 5 5
Nara steps through the trees and stops when she spies a heavy
stone pillar covered with dark, ominous runes.
5.
NARA
I think you should see this.
Moments later, the party has assembled before the pillar.
They fail to notice Rilk and Wharrgarbl slinking away.
PERF
Its a riddle pillar.
GLORION
And what in valors name is that?
PERF
A pillar. With a riddle on it.
Hence the term a riddle pillar.
Perf takes a charcoal rubbing of the runes. He lifts the
parchment up to the light, reading it backwards.
NARA
Why do you do that?
PERF
Find and defeat the guardian to
enter the Temple of All Dooms:
(clears throat)
Always running, stays in place.
Has a mouth but not a face.
Has no lungs, and yet can roar.
Passageway without a door.
A woman SCREAMS off in the woods. Alarmed, Nara bounds off
to investigate. Glorion strokes his chin, unconcerned.
GLORION
Hm. A most perplexing riddle. Im
guessing its some kind of dragon --
PERF
Its a river.
CARROW
Its a river.
GLORION
A river.
PERF
Yes.
CARROW
Yes.
GLORION
Not a dragon.
PERF
No.
CARROW
No.
6.
PERF
(to Carrow)
Probably means the entrance is
hidden, hard to get to.
CARROW
Behind a waterfall, maybe? At the
bottom of a current?
Nara returns, shaking her head regarding the scream.
GLORION
The guardian is the river. It will
take all my bravery to defeat it!
PERF
Yes, lets interpret that literally.
You have to kill the river.
GLORION
But how? Oh! I could stab it in
the mouth! If only there were some
way to hold it in place ... DAMN!
PERF
Have you taken many blows to the
head?
GLORION
Hundreds!
Glorion repeats his heroic sword-drawing move. Perf claps
his hands over Naras ears.
GLORION
ONWARD!
Glorion charges off through the undergrowth.
PERF
And ... thats my cue. Cheers.
Perf tromps off in the opposite direction.
NARA
And hes leaving again.
PERF
Nows the time. The river should
keep him busy for a few hours.
CARROW
But what about the Sword?
7.
PERF
Dont care.
CARROW
What about the quest, then?
PERF
Sod the quest.
CARROW
Dont you at least want to see him
kill the river?
NARA
You cant just walk away. Nobody
just gets to walk away!
Perf recedes to a yellow spot in the distance. Nara
appraises the distance to Perf, checks the wind.
NARA
I could shoot him.
CARROW
Let him walk it off.
NARA
Just wing him, you know. No
permanent damage. Well, some.
Nothing you couldnt heal.
CARROW
Hell come back. He always does.
NARA
You seem rather sure about that.
Carrow smiles at her, a playful I know something you dont.
NARA
What?
CARROW
You dont see it? How he looks -- ?
Nara suddenly SHUSHES him, points to a pattern painted on a
tree -- the rune Rilk sketched.
NARA
Orcsign.
Nara nocks an arrow. Carrow nods, rushes after the wizard.
8.
EXT. FORESTS EDGE -- THE WOODS -- DAY 6 6
Perf slows to a stop. He kicks the ground.
PERF
Damn it.
He turns around -- and Carrow is there, startling him.
CARROW
Quiet. Orcsign.
PERF
Orcs? Where?
A half dozen ORCS, led by Rilk, burst out of hiding and fire
a hail of arrows. The arrows slam into Carrow, killing him.
PERF
Oh, wait, I see them.
BLACKOUT.
JourneyQuest Episode 2: A Rather Unfortunate Turn of Events
EXT. FORESTS EDGE -- THE WOODS -- DAY 7 7
Nara tackles Perf down behind a fallen log, giving them
cover. The Orcs fire more arrows overhead.
NARA
Carrow!
PERF
I think hes dead.
NARA
Can you help him?
PERF
Probably not. Im not a very good
wizard.
Rilk calls out from behind a tree:
RILK (O.S.)
Evart nobo Ork-shaggudz!
(SUBTITLE)
Give us the Orcslayer!
Nara looks to Perf for a translation.
9.
PERF
I think theyre looking for
Glorion.
WHARRGARBL
Lektarit quaz Ork-shaggudz
aa!
(SUBTITLE)
Tell us where the Orcslayer
be!
PERF
Subdjas quaz Ork-shaggak
aka.
(SUBTITLE)
Where the Orcslayer is, you
mean.
WHARRGARBL
Ork-shaggudz aa dobnak
shug, whado!
(SUBTITLE)
Orcslayer be is fine, pale-
skin!
PERF
Gor, Ork-shaggak aka aka.
Djad gazad prukar aa
basimenudz petkak.
(SUBTITLE)
No, its Orcslayer is. Any
form of to be takes the
nominative.
RILK
Kubak aka, kathas. Lor
rachid oknid aka.
(SUBTITLE)
Hes right, you know. Thats
just basic grammar.
PERF
Nul kellimenudz unkest neppak
grae naerznae krinae
arruzelkae quig --
(SUBTITLE)
You only use the infinitive
in the rare formal vocative
case when --
WHARRGARBL
Slart! Yesh, lektarit quaz
Ork-shaggak AKA!
(SUBTITLE)
Shut up! Fine, tell us where
the Orcslayer IS!
PERF
Kak quagarudz.
(SUBTITLE)
Hes killing the river.
The Orcs blink at each other.
RILK
Quet?
(SUBTITLE)
What?
WHARRGARBL
Engak nobo. Hedj, humae!
Vart dru-kel duzsha!
(SUBTITLE)
Hes rutting with us. Hey,
humie! You can go $#%^@&*!
yourself!
PERF
Lor aka zezdul parrugelkit!
(SUBTITLE)
Thats anatomically
impossible!
The Orcs fire more arrows, pinning Perf and Nara down.
10.
NARA
Go get Carrow.
PERF
Me? Go out there?
NARA
Ill cover you.
PERF
You are severely overestimating my
courage.
NARA
GO!
Nara fires at the Orcs, dropping one. Perf scrambles out --
PERF
Im gonna die! Im gonna die!
-- and drags Carrows corpse behind the log.
NARA
How is he?
PERF
Still dead!
NARA
Do something! Something magic!
Heal him!
PERF
Heal! Yes! That is a spell!
Perf flips his spell book to a page titled Breath of Life.
Cryptic runes fill the page. Perf starts casting.
POV PERF: The runes begin to dance in front of Perfs eyes.
PERF
No, no, not now.
The runes dance and spin as Perf finishes his spell.
Carrows body swells and putrefies, going rotten. Carrows
skin turns gray and blackish. Loose bits of flesh hang from
his exposed face and hands. Perf wrinkles his nose.
NARA
Did it work?
11.
Nara looks over at Carrow and nearly vomits.
PERF
Not as such, no.
Nara grabs Perf and drags him deeper into --
EXT. THE WOODS -- DAY 8 8
NARA
What did you do to him?
PERF
Sorry! Magics not really my forte!
NARA
Youre a wizard! How can it not be
your forte?!
PERF
Well, Im not a very good -- AAAA!
The ground gives way beneath them.
INT. SWORD CHAMBER -- TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS 9 9
Perf and Nara slam into the floor of a featureless stone
chamber. A column of light shines down through the hole.
Nara bounces to her feet, nimble as a cat. She frowns at her
broken bow -- which snapped in the fall -- and casts it away.
Perf GROANS, sits up painfully. They speak in WHISPERS:
NARA
Dont tell me youre hurt.
PERF
I landed on my keys.
NARA
What did you do to him?
PERF
I dont know.
NARA
You were supposed to heal him, not
rot him like a fish in the sun!
12.
PERF
I botched the spell, all right?
NARA
You said you could heal him!
PERF
I cant read-cast under duress! The
runes all start dancing around --
Orcish SHOUTS from above. Nara and Perf back into the
shadows. The Orcs dont notice the pit and move along.
PERF
And he was dead anyway. It
wouldnt have done anything. Oh,
gods. Oh, Carrow. Nara, Im so --
NARA
Dont talk to me.
PERF
Sorry.
NARA
Dont say anything. Dont do
anything. Please, just sit there
and do not contribute while I find
us a way out of here.
Nara searches the walls in the darkened part of the room.
Perf sits, drops his head into his hands.
EXT. THE RIVER -- DAY 10 10
Glorion, soaked, plops heavily onto a stone on the riverbank.
GLORION
Well played, river.
HARP MUSIC and tinkling LAUGHTER. Glorion looks upstream.
Floating above the water is the RIVER SPIRIT, blue-skinned
and beautiful in a shimmering dress. She strums a tiny harp,
LAUGHS melodiously, and walks across the water to Glorion.
RIVER SPIRIT
Greetings, warrior. And welcome to
the mystical healing waters of --
Glorion stabs her. She teeters, stares at him incredulously.
13.
RIVER SPIRIT
I cant believe you stabbed me!
GLORION
Bravely stabbed you!
He kicks her dead body into the river.
Across the water, a door shimmers into existence.
Glorion adjusts his hair, heads towards the door.
INT. SWORD CHAMBER -- TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS 11 11
Through his fingers, Perf spots something in a dark recess of
the room.
Against a far wall, a small altar crouches in the shadows.
Upon it, a pair of STONE HANDS hold a jeweled sword upright.
Perf cautiously, curiously approaches the sword.
PERF
Nara? Is that what I think it is?
Exasperated, Nara turns around. The moment she sees the
sword, her eyes widen in wonder.
NARA
Goddess. Could it be?
PERF
Arkahn Luohr.
NARA
It does exist!
PERF
The Sword of Fighting! Which means
we just skipped the entire temple.
We just skipped all the dooms!
The SWORD glimmers in its stone-handed sheath.
PERF
So this is supposed to overthrow
the Wicked Kings, huh?
He reaches towards the pommel.
NARA
Well, dont touch it!
14.
Perf jerks his hand away. His sleeve catches on the Swords
crossguard -- the Stone Hands open -- and the Sword pops out.
The sword lands in Perfs arms. He catches it awkwardly,
holds it before his face in bewilderment.
PERF
Oh, thats not good.
NARA
What? What did you do?
A giant, disembodied PHANTOM HEAD appears.
PHANTOM HEAD
Fates have aligned. What was
augured has come to pass. Hail,
Chosen One.
Nara and Perf gape at each other in mutual horror.
NARA
Oh, my Gods!
PERF
Oh, my Gods!
SWORD
Oh, my Gods, your hands are soft!
Do you moisturize? Is that
lavender I smell? Seriously, I
feel like Im getting a hiltjob.
Perf regards the Sword with horrified wariness.
PERF
This strikes me as a rather
unfortunate turn of events.
SWORD
You and me both, man-candy.
PHANTOM HEAD
So ... how do I turn this off?
BLACKOUT.
JourneyQuest Episode 3: Deadly, Ancient Magics
INT. SWORD CHAMBER -- TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS 12 12
Perf gapes in horror at the talking Sword in his hand.
15.
The Stone Hands shake a scabbard at Perf -- a you want to
take this gesture.
PERF
This is a very bad dream.
NARA
How can you be the Chosen One?!
Im supposed to be the Chosen One!
PERF
Yeah! I mean -- what?
PHANTOM HEAD
Seriously, how do I turn this off?
NARA
It is not supposed to happen this
way!
SWORD
Tell me about it. Figured Id be
drawn by something with testicles,
not a runty twinkler in a pus-colored
robe. Why does he smell like crying?
PHANTOM HEAD
What red crystal? I dont see a
red -- oh, that red crystal.
The Phantom Head disappears.
Nara takes the scabbard from the Stone Hands.
NARA
But the omens! The portents!
PERF
What are you talking about?
NARA
This is supposed to be my destiny!
PERF
Then take it! I dont want it!
He shoves the Sword into Naras hands and backs away. Then
he discovers hes still holding it. He SCREAMS.
Perf gives the Sword to Nara again. Again, when he backs
away, hes still holding it. He SCREAMS again, higher.
16.
SWORD
Wow, that just keeps getting
higher, doesnt it? Come on,
ribbons, lets go get you killed.
With a will of its own, the Sword jerks Perfs arm straight
and pulls him, WAILING, towards the wall at a run.
EXT. THE WOODS -- DAY 13 13
Perf explodes out of the side of the cliff in a shower of
gravel and dust, the Sword held out before him.
SWORD
Hell, yeah! Gods, Ive missed
violence!
Perf and Nara COUGH and wipe dust from their faces ... only
to stare at the half-dozen ORCS sitting around a cook pot.
The Orcs have apparently set up a temp camp here.
PERF
Oh, come on!
The Orcs look to their weapons, lying within easy reach.
PERF
What do I do? What do I do?
NARA
You have the Sword! Threaten them!
Perf brandishes the Sword, puts himself in front of Nara.
PERF
Rudarit gadzudz! Ul aka
vaksul arkanul!
(SUBTITLE)
Dont try anything! This is
a magic sword!
SWORD
Wow, you sound like a woman in two
languages.
NARA
Tell them youll magic them!
PERF
Brun atva-gas, ar-krag
arkaruz ozaruz ek tadaruz
ixit drobo!
(SUBTITLE)
Make a move, Ill unleash my
deadly, ancient magics upon
you!
Sword out, Perf puts himself before Nara. They back away
towards the edge of the camp. Rilk frowns suspiciously.
17.
NARA
Watch that one. Hes smarter than
the others.
Rilk reaches for his sword.
PERF
Atvart gadz! Korniag dru!
(SUBTITLE)
Dont do it! Im warning
you!
Rilk draws the blade.
NARA
Drop him! Drop him now!
PERF
Ash-muras udz dor-kel!
(SUBTITLE)
You brought this on yourself!
Perf casts a spell. A bolt of magic milk splatters Rilk in
the face. Rilk blinks, licks his lips, swallows.
RILK
Gegad aka? Lek?
(SUBTITLE)
Really? Milk?
SWORD
The hell was that?
Perf, his bluff called, lowers the Sword.
PERF
Fransza-gax shugadzkit.
(SUBTITLE)
We surrender unconditionally.
EXT. ORC CAMP -- THE WOODS -- DAY 14 14
Perf and Nara are tied to a tree in the Orcs base camp.
NARA
Milk?! You threw milk at him?!
PERF
Im sorry! Its one of only three
spells I have memorized!
NARA
But milk?! How is that even a
spell?!
PERF
Conjure Milk. And its actually
more versatile than it sounds. My
other two, Mend and Vague, are not
as useful.
18.
NARA
Mend? What is that, for healing?
PERF
Mend is a sewing spell.
NARA
Well, what does Vague do?
PERF
Its ... kind of hard to nail down.
Its not what it really, you know,
does, effects-wise, so much as, to
say ... I really dont know.
NARA
Youre the worst wizard in the
world!
PERF
No ones disputing that!
Fuming, Nara looks intently not at Perf. Perf softens.
PERF
I am working on a new spell,
though. It wouldnt help us in
this exact situation, no, but --
NARA
Please, please stop talking to me.
PERF
I was hoping youd get to see it.
Across the camp, Rilk presents the sheathed Sword to their
leader, a lascivious Orc SHAMAN.
RILK
Ash-natha-gax Ork-shaggudz
gadz. Ash-kagax draz djulaz.
Lek-arkanadul ash-nansak udz.
(SUBTITLE)
No sign of the Orcslayer. We
killed their healer. The
lactomancer was carrying
this.
SHAMAN
Gegadz, ar-seduag laz piggro.
(SUBTITLE)
Yeah, I could spread that on
a cracker.
The Shamans looking straight at Nara. He hasnt heard a
word Rilk said.
RILK
Gibbag dru gadz kamiak.
(SUBTITLE)
I dont think shes into you.
19.
SHAMAN
Ar-kamiak nudz quig ar-
thorbag no --
(SUBTITLE)
Ill be into her. By which I
mean Im going to thrust my --
RILK
Vansag, vansag! Quet toba o?
(SUBTITLE)
I got it, I got it! What
about this?
SHAMAN
Petkart odz bat radzo.
(SUBTITLE)
Bag it for the Chief.
The Shaman struts over to Nara, traces a finger along the
double crescent moon tattoo on her cheek.
SHAMAN
Hey, beautiful. Ever wanted to rut
with an Orc? Your answer doesnt
really matter.
NARA
Rot, you stink. Im guessing you
wipe with that hand.
PERF
Hey! Dont you touch her!
SHAMAN
Quiet, milkmaid. Adults are
talking.
NARA
I can handle this, Perf.
PERF
You want her, youve got to go
through me!
The Shaman draws his rape-knife.
PERF
Metaphorically. I meant that
metaphorically.
The Shaman cuts Perf loose. Then he calls out to the Orcs:
SHAMAN
Zsezsa-gax!
(SUBTITLE)
We duel!
Raucous, bloodthirsty CHEERS from the Orcs. They circle
around Perf and the Shaman.
20.
NARA
Somehow, some way, you always make
things worse. What are you into
now?
PERF
Looks like a wizards duel.
(off her look)
Were gonna throw spells at each
other until one of us dies.
They share a look. Theyre not going to survive this.
PERF
Im sorry, Nara.
NARA
Its not your fault.
The Shaman BELLOWS a battle cry. He thrusts out a hand, palm-
up, towards the sky. Fire ignites above his palm. He
thrusts out his other hand, palm-up. Fire ignites above it.
The Shaman raises his hands above his head. The fires merge
together. The Shaman spins a vortex of fire above his head.
Perf looks for a way out. There is none.
Across the camp, the Sword calls out to Perf:
SWORD
Bye bye, he-squealer! Try not to
get your fail-blood on me.
EXT. RIDDLE PILLAR -- THE WOODS -- DAY 15 15
Carrows arrow-riddled corpse lies beside the pillar. His
eyes snap open.
BLACKOUT.
JourneyQuest Episode 4: Not A Zombie
INT. FIRE KEY ROOM -- TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS 16 16
Glorion, sword in hand, treads into a square stone room.
In the center of the room stands a stone basin at chest
height. In the bowl of the basin is a large, ornate key.
The menacing voice of THE WATCHER booms from nowhere:
21.
WATCHER (V.O.)
Welcome to the temple of your doom.
Welcome to the Temple of All Dooms.
The door Glorion stepped through vanishes into smooth wall.
WATCHER (V.O.)
The only way lies forward -- beyond
that door.
Glorion espies a door on the opposite side of the room.
Glorion reaches for the key. Black flames shoot up around
it. He snatches his hand away. The Watcher LAUGHS.
WATCHER (V.O.)
There burns a hellfire no water can
douse. Will you unlock the door
before the flames consume all the
air in the room? You shall never --
Glorion hefts the birdbath-pillar and rams the door with it,
knocking the door off its hinges.
WATCHER (V.O.)
I ... didnt know you could do
that.
Glorion drops the pillar -- which still has the burning key
in it -- and dusts his hands. He strides through the door.
WATCHER (V.O.)
Fine! Go ahead! Youll die in the
next room! Just you wait! Ass!
EXT. ORC CAMP -- THE WOODS -- DAY 17 17
The Shaman LAUGHS, spins his fire tornado above his head.
Perf looks around frantically. He spots a sizable rock on
the ground. He snatches up the rock and chucks it at the
Shaman. It hits him in the head with a painful WHUNK.
SHAMAN
Son of a -- !
The Shaman falls backwards over a low rise. The fire tornado
falls on him -- and he explodes. Guts and blood rain down.
Everyone gapes. Except for Perf.
22.
PERF
That counts! That still counts!
(picks up rock)
I am so keeping this rock.
RILK
Ar-mixa-gax nudz bat o.
(SUBTITLE)
Theyre gonna blame me for
this.
WHARRGARBL
Duzsart ludz. Kekarit muluz!
(SUBTITLE)
Rut that. Kill them!
The Orcs fire a hail of arrows.
Perf throws himself behind a tree and flips his spell book
open to a spell called Gust of Wind. He starts casting.
An ORC lowers a spear and charges Perf with a HOWL.
PERFS POV: The runes in the spell book dance around.
Perf finishes. His clothes explode off his body, leaving him
naked but for his hat, loincloth, and the embarrassing tattoo
on his belly: Meat Henge, with an arrow pointing down.
The HOWLING Orc slows to a stop, distracted by the tattoo.
Perf KOs him with his spell book.
NARA
Cut me loose, you idiot!
PERF
With what?! Its not like Im
holding the -- !
Perf realizes hes holding the Sword.
PERF
Oh.
SWORD
I hate everything.
Two Orcs attack Perf. The Sword yanks Perf around like a
puppet, twisting him around their swords and killing the Orcs.
SWORD
Blech! Orc!
Rilk hefts raises a spear, takes aim at Perf. A soft boot
taps him on the shoulder. He turns --
-- and Nara kicks him in the face. Rilk wilts.
23.
Perf slices through the ropes holding Nara to the tree. She
dips down and picks up a the Shamans rape-knife.
An Orc sees that the tide has turned and flees. Nara throws
the rape-knife after him, killing him off screen.
NARA
Now! Quickly!
A COCKING SOUND. Perf and Nara turn to find the last Orc
standing -- Wharrgarbl -- aiming a crossbow at them.
Perf and Nara cringe. Then they blanche in horror.
Carrow, gray and rotting, shambles up behind Wharrgarbl. The
Orc senses something amiss, turns --
-- and Carrow bites a chunk out of his neck. Wharrgarbl
collapses. Carrow hunkers over the dead Orc and feeds.
NARA
... Carrow?
She flushes with anger and punches Perf in the heart.
PERF
OW! Why?!
NARA
You did this! You and your flawed,
retarded magic! You turned our
cleric into a zombie!
CARROW
No, not a zombie.
Perf and Nara SCREAM in abject terror and cling to each other.
Carrow straightens, the Orcs partially consumed arm in hand.
CARROW
See, there are your two basic types
of undead: there are your corporeals,
the zombies and ghouls and the like,
which are bodies without souls; and
then there are your incorporeals:
ghosts and spirits, souls without
bodies. You get the gist.
(takes bite from arm)
24.
(MORE)
What youve managed to do -- which
is something thats eluded every
necromancer and death priest in
history, I might ad -- is create a
theoretically impossible form of
undead: an intelligent corporeal,
a soul -- with memories intact --
trapped inside a rotting corpse.
So thank you, thanks for that.
Perf and Nara just cling to each other.
Carrow takes one last bite out of the arm. Then he looks at
it, wrinkles his face, and tosses it away.
CARROW
Blech. Orc.
Carrow finally notices Perfs half-nakedess.
CARROW
Really? Meat Henge?
Perf, embarrassed, crosses his arms over the tattoo.
EXT. THE RIVER -- DAY 18 18
Nara surveys the river from a rock in its center.
NARA
I dont see him.
Perf is in his hat and loincloth, his torn robe in hand.
PERF
Keep looking! He has to be here
somewhere. Glorion!
NARA
Maybe he sussed out your ploy and
left.
PERF
This is Glorion! He spent a whole
day trying to shoot down a rainbow.
Carrow slouches apathetically beside Perf, looking at
nothing. Perf searches for a conversation starter.
PERF
... does it hurt?
25.
CARROW (cont'd)
CARROW
Being undead? It kind of itches.
Honestly, I dont feel much of
anything. Oh, except for the
burning resentment.
PERF
Sorry.
CARROW
Being killed by arrows. That hurt.
Thats also your fault.
PERF
Im really sorry.
CARROW
Drown in a sewer.
NARA (O.S.)
You should see this.
Nara stares down at something disconcerting in the shallows.
Perf peers over her shoulder at the body of the River Spirit.
PERF
A dead Naiad. A water spirit.
NARA
How did this happen?
They look at each other and, to their dismay, figure it out.
PERF
Gods and heroes. He actually did
it. He actually killed the river.
NARA
We should never have left him
unattended!
PERF
Maybe hes back at camp.
NARA
Could you please put some clothes
on?
PERF
Right, sorry.
Perf casts a spell. His torn robes knit back together.
26.
EXT. WILDERNESS CAMPSITE -- DAY 19 19
Carrow, Nara, and a fully-clothed Perf head back to camp.
The Sword MUMBLES and GRUMBLES in Perfs hand.
CARROW
So Perf is the Chosen One. Perf.
Did not see that coming.
PERF
I didnt exactly volunteer.
CARROW
(RE: himself)
Or this, for that matter.
NARA
Its a mistake. It has to be.
PERF
In agreement. Lets figure out a
way to get rid of this thing before
anyone notices its gone.
ASSASSIN (O.S.)
Hello, there.
They stop abruptly. Seated in the center of camp the
ASSASSIN, svelte and compact her tight, form-fitting black
leather. A black mask obscures every bit of her face except
for her amused eyes. She holds up a few sets of chains.
ASSASSIN
Now, if youll just put these on,
well get started.
The heroes stare blankly at the new player.
CARROW
Or that.
BLACKOUT.
JourneyQuest Episode 5: Duplicitous Bastards
INT. GARGOYLE ROOM -- TEMPLE OF ALL DOOMS 20 20
Glorion pads into another stone room, where identical stone
GARGOYLES -- an HONEST GARGOYLE and a lying gargoyle well
come to know as RODERICK -- squat before identical doors.
27.
WATCHER (V.O.)
One forever speaks the truth,
The other always lies.
Make your choice, and quickly, now,
Or everybody dies.
The Gargoyles animate and crack demonic, twisted grins.
RODERICK
Heed me! I speak the truth. Mine
is the correct path!
HONEST GARGOYLE
He lies! His path will take you to
your death! Your death and eternal
doom!
RODERICK
Of course youd say that, you lying
liar. Dont be fooled by his lies!
HONEST GARGOYLE
No, he lies! The true path lies
beyond my door!
Bored, Glorion decapitates the Honest Gargoyle. Its head
bounces across the floor. Roderick freaks out.
RODERICK
Sod me, you didnt rotting kill
that guy!
GLORION
Im in a bit of a rush, so if you
could just --
RODERICK
I mean, gods! You didnt just walk
in and chop his sodding head off!
Glorion points to the doors.
GLORION
Which door is the right one?
RODERICK
Mine!
GLORION
If youre lying to me, Ill kill
you. Understand?
28.
RODERICK
No!
GLORION
If youre lying to me, Ill kill
you! Understand?!
RODERICK
No!
GLORION
Do you want to die? Is that it?
RODERICK
(weeping)
Yes! Yeh-heh-hesssss!
Glorion shrugs, grabs Roderick by the scruff of the neck.
RODERICK
Yes! YES! I want to die!
Glorion kicks open Honests door and throws Roderick through.
He lands with a THUD off screen. Silence. After a beat:
GLORION
Odd. Youre still alive.
RODERICK (O.S.)
No, Im not.
GLORION
Which means this is the safe path!
Glorion bellows a LAUGH, strides through the door.
After another beat:
WATCHER (V.O.)
Holy rotting sod.
EXT. WILDERNESS CAMPSITE -- DAY 21 21
The Assassin sits in the companions camp, completely
unconcerned. Perf eyes Nara and Carrow before speaking.
PERF
Hi. So. Who the hell are -- ?
The Assassin kicks him in the face, somehow from her seated
position well out of kicking range.
29.
PERF
OW!
ASSASSIN
Dont talk when Im talking.
PERF
But you werent --
She somehow kicks him in the face again.
PERF
OW!
SWORD
I like her! She can stay.
CARROW
As much as I enjoy watching you kick
him in the face -- and feel free to
keep doing that, by the way -- I
think an explanation is in order.
ASSASSIN
Fair enough.
She lashes out with a chain. It wraps around Carrows neck.
With a quick tug, Carrow flies towards the Assassin and
impales himself on her sword. Carrow GROANS, falls still.
ASSASSIN
I am your captor.
Nara draws her sword. The Assassin flings out a dart that
strikes Nara in the neck. Nara freezes, startled, and sags.
PERF
Nara?
ASSASSIN
Talking again.
Perf shuts up. He meekly raises his hand.
ASSASSIN
Yes?
PERF
May I speak?
ASSASSIN
Yes.
30.
PERF
When you say captor, what -- ?
She kicks him in the face.
PERF
OW! But you just said -- !
ASSASSIN
Yes, I lied.
Carrow sits up with a GROAN. The Assassin grabs his neck and
breaks it with a twist-CRACK. He sags to the ground.
Nara, drugged, smiles languidly and sinks onto the ground.
NARA
You know what? I really like cats.
ASSASSIN
The moment Kicky-Face drew
the Sword, it triggered a
bounty on your heads larger
than any kings. A bounty I
intend to collect.
NARA
Im not kidding. So cuddly,
with the sandpaper tongues.
Cannot take an arrow, though.
Pay attention, Perf, this is
important.
PERF
I dont understand.
NARA
And honeysuckle.
ASSASSIN
Whoever draws the Sword is fated to
lead a revolution that will topple
the line of Wicked Kings.
PERF
Thats why the Kings hired us! To
find and destroy the Sword!
ASSASSIN
And did you?
Worry creeps onto Perfs face.
ASSASSIN
Exactly.
She kicks Perf in the face. He collapses. The Sword CHEERS.
31.
ASSASSIN
On the off-chance one of you lot
should turn out to be the Chosen
One, they hired me. And a half-
dozen or so other bounty hunters.
PERF
Those duplicitous bastards.
ASSASSIN
Youre surprised? Wicked Kings.
Its in the name.
The dart still in her neck, Nara lies down, stretches out.
NARA
Wicked Kings, kicked wings. This
pyramid is full of nougat.
ASSASSIN
Hm. May have overdone it on the
poison.
Carrow sits up with a GROAN. The Assassin slits his throat.
Carrow falls back down, WHEEZING.
ASSASSIN
At the moment, youre worth more
alive than dead. If that changes,
I kill you. In the meantime,
youre my prisoners.
Carrow GROANS, sits up. The Assassin regards him.
ASSASSIN
I still think I can get full price
for you.
She kicks him into the campfire. He ignites with a WHOOSH.
NARA
You took my future, Perf. Its okay.
I wasnt using it. This ground is
loud!
Carrow, blackened, crawls out of the fire.
CARROW
Would somebody please kill her?!
The Assassin kicks Perf, then whips out a stake and stabs it
through Carrows chest, pinning him to the ground.
32.
CARROW
Also not a vampire.
Perf draws the Sword, assumes a fighting stance.
SWORD
This should be interesting.
The Assassin performs a complex kata, showcasing her
phenomenal balance and agility. She strikes a battle stance.
ASSASSIN
Your move, Chosen One.
Perf exhales deeply. Then he turns and flees.
EXT. WILDERNESS -- DAY 22 22
Perf sprints wildly across the countryside.
SWORD
You are seriously embarrassing me.
Still running, Perf SCREAMS at the Sword in his hand:
PERF
This is all your fault! I was done
with this sodding quest before you
came along!
SWORD
Is lady-bits all worked up?
PERF
I was going home!
He chucks the Sword away. It pinwheels through the air,
LAUGHING. Perf YELPS when he discovers it back in his hand.
SWORD
Scream like a girl!
Perf SCREAMS like a girl. He hurls the Sword away ... and
then discovers it in his other hand.
SWORD
Im your everywhere!
PERF
Sod off!
He hurls it away. Then its in his hand again.
33.
SWORD
EVERYWHERE!
PERF
Why wont you leave me alone?!
SWORD
Only one way for that to happen.
Mind the drop.
Perf looks ahead -- hes charging towards the edge of --
EXT. THE CLIFFS -- TOP OF THE CLIFF -- DAY 23 23
Perf skids to a stop at the edge and teeters, windmilling.
SWORD
Yes! Fall! Fall, you limp-wristed
sack of estrogen! FALL!
Flailing in panic on the edge, Perf regains his balance.
SWORD
NO! So close! So! Close! Dont
tease me like that, sod-sponge!
Perf glares at the Sword. Then he chucks it off the cliff.
SWORD
RUUUUUUT YOOOoooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!
Perf watches the Sword pinwheel out of sight (and sound)
below. He checks his hands. No Sword.
PERF
Yeah! Thats right! Pick on
someone else, you stupid ... sword!
Behind him, the Assassin CLEARS HER THROAT. Perf turns
around. She kicks him in the face.
BLACKOUT.
OMIT 24-60 24-60
UnderQuest Episode 2: Bardic Immunity
EXT. THE WOODS -- DAY 61 61
CAPTION: A year after a year ago ...
34.
Wren leans against a tree, angrily writes in her journal.
WREN
Party still has not found the Temple
of All Dooms, where the mythical
Sword of Fighting isnt. Have been
following party for a year, and they
have yet to do anything even remotely
heroic. The big one only seems
interested in killing Orcs. I think
hes going for some sort of record.
This may very well be the least
heroic party ever chronicled. One
might even begin to assume that the
headmistress -- who is an evil, lying
shrew and likes to rut genies --
knew this and sent me out on
something that is not an epic at all.
Additionally: Sod rot shag tits!
We see over her shoulder. Shes not writing notes, but
drawing a stick dragon breathing fire on stick figure heroes.
GLORION (O.S.)
I! Am! HONOR!
She hears Glorion tackle Perf and start punching him.
WREN
Theyre up early.
EXT. RIDDLE PILLAR -- THE WOODS -- DAY 62 62
Wren, taking notes, hides behind the riddle pillar and
watches the heroes bicker. She spots the ORCS watching them.
WREN
Interesting.
Wren watches Rilk scrawl his rune on the tree.
Curious, Wren flips through her notes to a page marked
orcsigns. Runes fill the page. She locates Rilks rune.
Its caption reads: Kill and/or rape everything.
WREN
SOD!
Wren slaps her hands over her mouth and ducks behind the
riddle pillar. Nara bounds her way.
35.
NARA (O.S.)
I think you should see this.
Moments later, the group stands assembled before the pillar.
Wren crouches miserably behind it, out of sight.
PERF (O.S.)
Its a riddle pillar.
GLORION (O.S.)
And what in valors name is that?!
PERF (O.S.)
A pillar. With a riddle on it.
Hence the term a riddle pillar.
Perf kneels before the pillar, makes his charcoal rubbing.
NARA (O.S.)
Why do you do that?
PERF (O.S.)
Find and defeat the guardian to
enter the Temple of All Dooms.
Perf launches into the riddle. With the group distracted,
Wren silently sneaks away into the surrounding woods.
EXT. THE WOODS -- DAY 63 63
Out of sight, Wren SIGHS in relief. Then the Assassin sets
her swords tip to Wrens ribs and WHISPERS:
ASSASSIN
Why are you following me?
WREN
(also whispered)
Following? Im not? Ive never
seen you before, and Ive been
following them for -- !
ASSASSIN
This bounty is mine. Who hired
you? Who are you working for?
WREN
Um ... history?
Swift as a snake, the Assassin twists Wren so she lands on
her knees before her. The Assassin raises her sword.
36.
Wren grabs her bard badge from around her neck, holds it up.
WREN
Bard! Im a bard! Bardic
immunity!
The Assassin hesitates. She abruptly sheathes her sword.
WREN
Yes. Good choice. Its bad luck
to kill a bard.
ASSASSIN
And too much paperwork. Also dont
want glitter all over my sword.
The Assassin ignores Wren and watches the party intently.
Wren whips out her journal and quill pen.
WREN
Im chronicling the epic.
ASSASSIN
Stay out of my way.
WREN
Have you been following them long?
You mentioned a bounty. Who posted
it? Sorry, I havent had anyone to
talk to in months because it might --
(finger quotes)
-- contaminate the saga. But
since you havent entered their
story yet, its okay if we chat!
ASSASSIN
Stop talking or you die.
WREN
You got it.
(beat)
Just so you know, it is okay if we
talk. Since you havent become a
player in the story yet. If you
had, then I wouldnt be allowed to
talk to you at all because of the
whole Grand Tenet thing -- which is
total bullpoop, if you ask me --
but since you havent, then its
completely acceptable! Could I
have an interview for the epic?
37.
ASSASSIN
Its not that much paperwork.
The Assassin spins, blade raised. Wren SCREAMS.
Alarmed, the Assassin spots Nara heading their way again.
The Assassin leaps out of the frame and vanishes.
Wren flips open her potion satchel. Inside are two dozen
small vials of colorful liquids. She pulls out a blue potion
marked Invisibility and pops it open. A tiny bit of blue
mist escapes the vial. She drinks the potion --
-- and fades from sight, right as Nara arrives and looks
around. After a moment, Nara shakes her head, retreats.
In the background, Perf tromps away from the party. Nara and
Carrow follow him.
The Assassin drops silently down into a 2-SHOT with only her
in it. Wren is invisible beside her.
ASSASSIN
Where are those idiots going?
WREN (O.S.)
(invisible)
Where do you think theyre going?
Id love to get your thoughts on
that, on the heroes in general, who
you think the protagonist should be,
whos most likely to die, general
sexual tension, character arcs,
emotional beats, etcetera, ellipsis.
Hey! Want to travel together until
you make your entrance?
The Assassin sharply punches the air next to her. Wren
SQUEALS. We hear a body hit the ground.
ASSASSIN
No.
BLACKOUT.
UnderQuest Episode 3: Skald
EXT. RIDDLE PILLAR -- THE WOODS -- DAY 64 64
Wren MOANS herself back into consciousness. Shes tied to
the riddle pillar, and has a black eye.
38.
WREN
She hit me! I cant believe she
hit me! Oh! I am so making her
fat!
Wren takes in her surroundings. She doesnt see the party.
WREN
Hope I didnt miss anything.
Undead Carrow shambles past, GROANING, arrows sticking out of
his chest. Wren gawks after him.
In the distance: The sound of an EXPLOSION.
PERF (O.S.)
That counts! That still counts!
Im so keeping this rock.
Sounds of COMBAT erupt in the distance.
Wren peers off that way, but is on the wrong side of the
pillar. She struggles to slide herself in that direction.
A fleeing ORC rushes by. A WHISTLING sound. The Orc SCREAMS
and drops dead, a thrown rape-knife in his back.
The Orc didnt fall far. Wren shimmies down, reaches for the
knife with both feet. She grips it between her boots.
EXT. ORC CAMP -- THE WOODS -- DAY 65 65
Rape-knife in hand, Wren steps into the post-battle Orcs
camp. Dead Orcs lie scattered like fallen leaves.
She takes out her journal, starts scribbling.
Rilk blinks himself awake. He spots two other Orc survivors:
GRELLNOCK (bald) and YART (bearded). They all point at Wren.
Rilk BELLOWS. The three Orcs hobble-charge Wren.
Wren drops her journal and scrambles to hold up her badge.
WREN
Bardic immunity! Bard!
The Orcs keep coming, weapons raised. Wren panics.
WREN
AAA! Whats the word? Uh ...
39.
WREN
Skul! Skalid! Kelled!
(remembering)
Skald!
(SUBTITLE)
Potato! Artery! Rape-knife!
(beat)
Bard!
WREN
Im a skald!
Rilk throws out a hand, stopping the other two. The Orcs
CHATTER angrily to each other in their language.
RILK
Karit paz gadz. Skald aka.
GRELLNOCK
Ek? Chugadz?!
RILK
Djak skaldudz gadkudz Matha-gax
paz ka!
Wren pulls a yellow potion labeled Tongues from her
satchel. Yellow mist escapes when she uncorks it.
YART
Meknul chegak kagga nodluz borluz
demia!
RILK
Chegga-gax gadzkudz karina! Od --
Wren quaffs the potion.
RILK
-- also protects our bards, keeps
the humies and pucks from killing
them!
WREN
Hi, hello!
The Orcs whirl, surprised and suspicious.
WREN
I am a bard, yes. And I am
researching an epic.
The other two Orcs perk up. They straighten their hair and
armor, sheathe their weapons, and introduce themselves.
GRELLNOCK
Grellnock Skullsplitter. Two Ls.
40.
YART
Yart Flays-Children. Just like it
sounds.
Wren writes down their names.
WREN
Can you tell me what happened here?
YART
Will this go in the epic?
WREN
It might, yeah.
Yart and Grellnock exchange excited looks.
GRELLNOCK
It started with the wizards duel.
WREN
Wizards duel? Good stuff. Howd
that happen?
GRELLNOCK
The elfmaid was all over our
shaman. Making eyes at him,
sending him the signals, you know?
YART
Yet stoutly did he resist her
whorish advances.
Rilk raises an eyebrow.
RILK
What?
GRELLNOCK
And the wizard got all incensed and
challenged him right there!
YART
To the death!, did he bellow!
Yet does his voice echo in my ears.
WREN
Perf did that? The Yellow Robe?
YART
His clans honor in question, our
shaman accepted the challenge!
41.
(MORE)
The sky darkened with the might of
their arcane skill!
RILK
No, it didnt.
GRELLNOCK
But Kurn -- thats our shaman -- he
cast him to the ground with a
volley of lightning! And the elf
was all like, Take me now, you
green-skinned love-stallion! Only
with sexier wording. You can
change that however.
Wrens scribbling slows to a stop.
YART
And then, shamed by defeat, the
wizard bellowed Die! In my
wrathful flames of ... wrath!
GRELLNOCK
Yes! And then he summoned an vast
army of ... er -- !
YART
-- uh ... murder ... elementals.
GRELLNOCK
Murder Elementals! And on and on
they came in waves of unending -- !
YART
Murderiness!
GRELLNOCK
But we slew them! All of them,
with our ... fists! They disappear
when they die, by the way. Thats
why there arent any around here.
WREN
Its bad luck to lie to a bard.
They looks ready to feign outrage. Then they eye one another
warily and look at the ground. Rilk points off.
RILK
Your party went that way. Towards
the river, near as I can tell.
WREN
What actually happened?
42.
YART (cont'd)
RILK
We got trounced. And theres no
shame in that, because the wizard
used a magic sword.
The other Orcs nod.
GRELLNOCK
I think he got it in the Temple of
Select Dooms.
Wren blinks. Pales. This just got serious.
WREN
Magic sword? What did it look
like? Like ... this?
She shuffles through some assorted notes, pulls out a sketch,
shows it to Rilk. He stares at her, not amused.
Wren checks the sketch. Its her stick-dragon and stick-
people doodle.
Wren mutters an apology, whips out a sketch of the Sword.
WREN
How about that?
RILK
Thats the one.
WREN
Gods. This just became a real
epic!
RILK
Congratulations. Were moving out.
WREN
I didnt get your name.
RILK
I didnt give it.
He limps off. The other two hang back.
GRELLNOCK
Miss bard?
WREN
Yes?
43.
GRELLNOCK
In the epic, could I have hair?
Wren smiles.
WREN
Sure thing.
YART
And I have always yearned to be a
female.
Wren and Grellnock just stare at him.
YART
Dont judge me.
BLACKOUT.
44.