1

00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:02,560

I'm very sorry
I woke everybody up, James.
2
00:00:02,640 --> 00:00:04,710
Well, we could always
give the kids earplugs, you know,
3
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:08,588
or sedate them.
Maybe a bit of friendly heavy sedation.
4
00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:13,069
Oh, bollocks! "First in the Sack race."
5
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:14,229
And they've capitalised "sack",
6
00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:17,471
just in case anybody thought it was a
piece about what a good sack-racer I am.
7
00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:18,754
(CAR DOOR OPENING)
8
00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:20,751
- Look!
- Gotta go, I am being car-jacked.
9
00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:22,831
- By a Jock. Car-jocked.
- I'm actually very happy
10
00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:24,592
with my broadband provider, yeah.
11
00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:26,159
There were other meetings
round about that time
12
00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:28,151
and I need to see all of those.
13
00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:30,549
Glenn, can you put stuff with staples
through a shredder?

14
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:31,709
No!
15
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:32,915
TERRl: Yes you can,
it does credit cards.
16
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,592
Who is going to break the news
to Nicola?
17
00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:36,750
I'm going to do that
and I'm going to do it alone.
18
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:38,239
I'm just going to give her
the pre-briefing, right?
19
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:42,108
I'm just gonna blind her
with bad press and bumph. You do the...
20
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,235
GLENN: Yes.
TERRl: No, no.
21
00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:44,594
- GLENN: The full crock of shit.
- Back of the neck.
22
00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:48,116
You've seen the sack race thing,
I suppose. Yeah, there it is.
23
00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:52,318
It's not funny! It's not even accurate,
because technically I was fourth.
24
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:54,470
So, really, they should have said,
"Fourth in the Sack race."
25
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,118
I think we should complain to the PCC.
26
00:00:56,200 --> 00:01:00,398

Look, stop worrying. The PM

is not going to sack you after a week.
27
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:03,074
Sacked after 12 months,
looks like you've fucked up.
28
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:05,276
Sacked after a week,
looks like he's fucked up.
29
00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:07,920
And I'm not doing terribly, am I?
30
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:14,670
I love the way that they've sandblasted
everything around here. It's so clean!
31
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:16,919
TERRl: Robyn, you've got no time
to shred those.
32
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:18,149
Please take them to the lavatory
or something.
33
00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:19,559
- Glenn.
- ROBYN: Did she just say take them
34
00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,631
- to the lavatory?
- Are you going to stand there like that?
35
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:23,995
- BOTH: Yes!
- You look like the end of a wedding.
36
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:26,071
- Are you going to give her an arch?
- Just go and get her!
37
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,674
She'll never guess
there's anything wrong. Fucking idiot.
38
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,275
I'd just like people to get to know

the real me.

39
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:33,316
You know, I feel like
I'm coming across as a bit...
40
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:35,712
Oh, I don't know.
41
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,399
- Glum.
- Smug?
42
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,479
- Smug?
- Yeah, you're coming across
43
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:40,913
more smug than glum.
44
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:44,151
'Cause I am actually quite a fun person,
underneath all of this.
45
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:45,832
I've got loads of friends.
46
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,069
Well, I'm sure you have,
47
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,993
but the trouble is
when you say something like that,
48
00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:52,150
it sounds a wee bit smug.
49
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,552
MALCOLM: <i>Could you just pull in</i>
<i>over here?</i>
50
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,312
<i>And you can take out that cyclist</i>
<i>as you're going,</i>
51
00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:57,515
<i>I think he's Shadow Cabinet.</i>

52
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:00,675
(WHISPERING APOLOGETICALLY)
53
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,079
Could you meet me at the door tomorrow?
54
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:03,559
- Oh, sorry.
- It's like carrying two fridges in.
55
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:06,074
Yes, of course. Yes...
56
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:10,472
Right, so the lunch,
I've gone with the <i>Guardian</i> in the end,
57
00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,949
I thought maybe not <i>The Mail,</i>
they might be nice to your face
58
00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,838
but then brand you
a man-hating Euro-slag.
59
00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:19,469
Olly, if you had to choose
three nasty adjectives
60
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,835
that describe me, what would they be?
61
00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:23,512
- I'm sorry?
- Well, I was just talking to Malcolm
62
00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:26,831
and he mentioned a pejorative word
which I hadn't thought of before,
63
00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:29,309
so I'm just keen to get your take.
64
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,356
- Okay, top three?
- Yeah.

65
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,553
Um...
66
00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:37,233
Sour?
67
00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:39,672
Oh, okay.
68
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,311
Frumpy. And...
69
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,113
uptight?
70
00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:48,433
Yeah, okay.
71
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:52,748
NICOLA: I mean, why not egg and spoon?
72
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,432
Egg and spoon would
have been better than sack.
73
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,239
Yeah but, you know. "Egg on face."
74
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:58,833
"She must go spooner rather than later."
75
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:02,117
What if you'd dropped it?
"Yolk-o Oh-no." You know...
76
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:03,872
- Morning.
- Secretary of State.
77
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,598
- Yes?
- Something terrible has happened.
78
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,716
Oh, lovely, Terri. Beautifully finessed.

79
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,392
- What?
- It's my duty to advise you
80
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,675
of appendix four of
the Data Protection Act's
81
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,320
advisory note to government departments.
82
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,436
Sounds like you're arresting me.
Appendix what?
83
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:19,080
Shut it.
We'll ask the questions here, ma'am.
84
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,716
I was being a policewoman?
85
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,792
Look, somebody explain to me
in simple terms what has happened.
86
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:27,838
'Cause at the moment I feel a bit like
I've wandered into a cryptic crossword
87
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:30,673
compiled by Rumpel-fucking-stiltskin.
88
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:32,193
Basically, every British citizen
89
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,636
who has arrived here
in the last seven and a half months...
90
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:36,835
(CLEARING THROAT)
91
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:38,478
Their names have been wiped.

92
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:40,994
The immigration database is blank.
93
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:44,274
Oh, fuck.
94
00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,555
Oh, fuck. This is a fucking disaster.
95
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,552
Well, the last hope was that
Olly had it on that thing...
96
00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:52,198
- What, a memory stick.
- Stick.
97
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,840
Well, I only said it just 'cause you
looked like you were gonna self-harm.
98
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:56,592
I mean, they've got to be somewhere,
surely.
99
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,910
Yeah, well, they're not
actually in that drawer.
100
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,592
I'm getting Nurofen, Terri.
101
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:03,319
Do you not back up, you people?
I back up!
102
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,152
I don't even know
what backing up means.
103
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:09,597
I really thought that today we were
going to start the fight back, you know?
104
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:13,639
And it looks as though we've started
the fight back by beating ourselves up

105
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:17,998
and poking out our eyeballs
with our own fucking teeth. Jesus!
106
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,355
Right. Who, primarily,
should I be shouting at?
107
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:21,793
(ALL MUMBLING) Glenn.
108
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:22,915
Oh, thank you very much!
109
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,230
I have here the minutes
which are a record and...
110
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:27,550
No, no, no. You can't just
over-write minutes.
111
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,438
You specifically can't do it,
cause you can't unlock a pdf file.
112
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:33,796
Somebody has just done a huge poo
on my desk and I want it cleared up.
113
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:36,235
My bum is clean,
it's clean as a whistle.
114
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,197
And I'm going to tell you
something interesting.
115
00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:41,078
Unless you take the hard drive,
smash it up with a hammer
116
00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:43,958
or you drop it in acid, that data
is still going to be retrievable
117

00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:46,235

and that...
It says so on the BBC website.
118
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:49,392
I need a shortlist of people
who are responsible.
119
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:50,879
Glenn, will you bring me a shortlist
120
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,473
- with your own name on it?
- Right.
121
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:53,675
Malcolm's on his way over.
122
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:54,749
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
123
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:55,955
Does he know?
124
00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:57,155
I don't think so,
do you want me to go and ask?
125
00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,390
- No, don't ask him!
- Jesus fucking Christ.
126
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,710
Right, we need to cancel
the <i>Guardian</i> lunch.
127
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:05,076
- ALL: No, no, no.
- No. That would be a ridiculous
128
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,195
- signal to do.
- Wrong message.
129
00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:08,316
That's the kind of signal
that a dying whale sends out, isn't it?

130
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:09,833
(IMITATING WHALE) "Noooo!
131
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:14,710
"We lost the immigration figures!"
Sort of a signal.
132
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,076
Would you all please
just fuck out of my office?
133
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:19,912
- For a long time.
- TERRl: Very good.
134
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,831
Got you a croissant.
135
00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:27,069
Morning, desk jockeys.
Is glummy mummy in?
136
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,071
OLLY: I think she's on the phone?
137
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,754
Oh, right-o.
Why don't I just cool my heels here?
138
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:33,068
- Good morning, Malcolm.
- Good morning.
139
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:34,957
Do you know, Malcolm?
140
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,673
Uh, the best way to clear a paper jam?
141
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:42,799
I don't know.
142
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:45,792
Kill a kid an hour
until it sorts itself out?
143

00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:47,472

Excellent. Hi, Malcolm.
144
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,755
Great. So if you can just sort out
the sack race situation for me,
145
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:50,989
that would be terrific.
146
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:52,638
Yeah, yeah, what would you
like me to do on that?
147
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,029
Ideally, build a time machine
148
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:58,715
so that we can go back and not invite
photographers to the sports day.
149
00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:00,233
If I fail to build a time machine?
150
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:03,710
Just sit on it, really, Terri.
You know, stop it growing.
151
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,553
- ROBYN: Zap it like a tumour.
- Thank you, yes.
152
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:07,675
So, Malcolm...
153
00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:10,399
Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts.
Excuse me.
154
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:11,879
Look, if this has got any bigger,
155
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:15,191
you're gonna feel the thump
of a fucking harpoon in your thorax.
156
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:17,236

Does he know? Well, follow him.

157
00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:18,878
MALCOLM: I hope that you
like shitting toenails,
158
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,076
because that's what you're gonna be
doing all of next week.
159
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:22,229
And don't worry,
I've painted them yellow
160
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:25,118
so they'll look like fucking sweet corn.
161
00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,749
The guy's a fucking liability!
162
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,549
(SOFTLY) Jesus Christ.
Listen, I want...
163
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,357
Look, I couldn't hear everything,
he takes very long strides...
164
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:39,476
What, are you a fucking penguin?
Just run.
165
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:42,199
Look, I'm a civil servant,
not a fucking Olympic athlete!
166
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,192
Right. What's occurring,
Hermann Goering?
167
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:46,999
What?
168
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:53,756
You're fucking kidding me.
169
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:55,959

Excuse me.
170
00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:00,474
Two minutes and I will be back.
171
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,030
I'm fucking okay for bollocks, mate.
172
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:05,708
That's it. He knows.
173
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,870
- Do you want me to follow him again?
- Yes. Yes, no. Yes.
174
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,713
I'm Secretary of State. Yes! Yes!
Do what I say.
175
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,394
How's that list going? Are we covered,
Glenn? Who's on the list?
176
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,677
- It's not a big list.
- Well, get going on the bloody list!
177
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,596
Hi, Robyn! Hey, look.
178
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:25,914
Um... You know Phil Davis?
Is he a Davies or a Davis?
179
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,992
I know you don't like me, Glenn,
but you're not sacking me.
180
00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:30,195
What?
181
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:31,998
(BOTH LAUGHING FALSELY)
182
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:35,596
I'm protecting you.

183
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,114
Okay, well, you know,
I've got your back as well.
184
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:42,193
Even though I know you are the guy who
authorised the wiping of the back-up.
185
00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:45,989
- Well, that may or may not be true.
- Well, it is true.
186
00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:50,596
- Well, it may or it may not be true.
- Well, that is true.
187
00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,238
(FALSE LAUGHTER)
188
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:55,668
Benefit of a short-term strategy is
189
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:58,354
it allows you to develop
a long-term strategy...
190
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,078
- Explain it to them.
- We've just been discussing
191
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:01,878
the data loss incident and...
192
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:04,838
Can we not call it the incident?
It just sounds like a toxic spillage.
193
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:06,353
Kerfuffle?
194
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:07,998
How's the time machine coming along,
Terri?
195
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,753
Have you managed
to find a flux capacitor yet?

196
00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,398
Well, I had to come fetch Glenn...
197
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:13,879
It was a joke, it doesn't matter.
198
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:19,717
I was thinking that one possible
strategy might be not to tell anybody.
199
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,074
What, we keep it a secret?
200
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:23,355
Sorry, sorry, Malcolm's coming back.
201
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:25,476
Tell me more about not saying anything.
202
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,676
Well, it's pretty self-explanatory.
203
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:29,549
- Or not?
- Robyn,
204
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,870
maybe you could get us some teas.
205
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:36,431
Okay, what does everybody want?
I'll make a little list, shall I, Glenn?
206
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:38,594
TERRl: A cappuccino, please.
207
00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,398
NICOLA: A herbal, please,
a Lemon Zinger.
208
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:42,710
- ROBYN: Really?
- Yes, please.
209
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,436

(IN GRUFF VOICE)

Little pigs. Little pigs.
210
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:51,999
Let me come in. Don't worry
about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.
211
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,150
So, what was your call?
212
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,712
What was my call?
213
00:08:57,920 --> 00:08:59,319
Did you...
214
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,352
You want to know what my call was?
215
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:03,954
(CLEARING THROAT) Was it important?
216
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,438
I'm sorry, I didn't realise
that I had to run all my calls
217
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:11,193
through your bed-wetters'
switchboard here.
218
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,032
I usually just dial 1-1 -Hate.
219
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,519
NICOLA: Malcolm, do you know?
220
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:17,034
- Obviously he knows.
- No, he doesn't know.
221
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:20,829
There has been
a massive irretrievable data loss.
222
00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:25,471
The last seven months' worth
of new immigrant details have gone,

223
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,915
apparently lost in the computer.
224
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,757
Oh...
225
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,756
Do you know what? Do you know
what's really fucking sad here
226
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:49,799
is that I don't even have the energy
to pretend I already knew.
227
00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:54,194
Which is for the best, because
I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy
228
00:09:54,280 --> 00:10:00,628
to fucking rip all of your bodies to
bits with my bare hands and sell off...
229
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:05,555
Yes, sell off your fucking flayed skin
as a sleeping bag
230
00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:07,676
to a fucking normal person!
231
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,479
Can I just say that getting angry
actually isn't going to help anything.
232
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:13,632
I've done anger, I'm currently at grief,
233
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:18,510
I'm working my way towards bargaining...
Whatever, you know, you're behind me.
234
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:23,116
So, what is your great strategy
for dealing with this?
235
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,998
Come on, I'm fucking all ears.

I'm fucking Andrew Marr here.

236
00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:27,672
So, let's...
Terri, let's hear what you...
237
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:28,829
Let's go, let's get going.
238
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:30,797
High-level tactical discussion,
I'm up for it.
239
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,270
Right, blaming the department
minister might be a high-risk strategy.
240
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,511
Oh, high-risk. Saucy. Power serve.
241
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,956
My pitch would be
this department is fatally flawed.
242
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:43,076
It's out of condition, it's obese,
it's asthmatic.
243
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:44,195
That-a-girl, back over the net.
244
00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:46,032
You need to be really sure
about that, Nicola.
245
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:50,716
Yes, wise words from the distinguished,
elderly, gay fucking tennis coach here.
246
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:53,792
Seriously, I think
we should talk about my strategy further
247
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,757
because I really think that
that's the way...
248

00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,592

Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy
is having a go now
249
00:10:57,680 --> 00:10:59,830
with his wee fucking tiny shorts on.
250
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,558
What about Sue Barker's
little sister here?
251
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:02,675
What's she got to say?
252
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,751
You got something to say
to add to the conversation?
253
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:09,516
No, just that there was no lemon zinger
so this is coffee, is that all right?
254
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:11,194
Do the <i>Guardian</i> know about this?
255
00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:13,589
Oh, fuck. I don't...
Fucking <i>Guardian,</i> I don't know.
256
00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:15,318
Yeah, as it's referred to
in my department.
257
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,038
Should I find out? Get some feelers?
258
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,156
Yeah, go on,
get your feelers out for the lads.
259
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:20,719
What do you think, Malcolm?
260
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:22,597
Shitting on the department,
will that work?
261

00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:25,433

Yes, let's cause
a little bit of friction.
262
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,034
Let's fire someone. What about Glenn?
263
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,473
No, you can't just fire Glenn like that.
264
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:31,710
NICOLA: We could fire Glenn.
TERRl: Shall I get his file?
265
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:33,438
GLENN: No. I've got a list!
266
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:35,317
See, there you are, he's got a list.
267
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,358
You're a new broom,
you're sweeping up trouble with one end
268
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:42,399
broom-handling incompetent staff
up the tunnel with the other.
269
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:44,471
So, Malcolm,
how do we play it at the <i>Guardian?</i>
270
00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:48,439
Smile. Be gay. Smile, smile, smile.
271
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,995
So, who's going to be there?
272
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,548
Oh, plenty.
There's gonna be all the hacks.
273
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,552
There's the editor, the leader writer,
all the political staff
274
00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,074

and actually, unfortunately,

I heard that
275
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:01,991
that so-called cartoonist
is going to be there.
276
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:04,674
You know, the one who drew the picture
of you smothering the dove of peace
277
00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:06,193
with your breasts?
278
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:07,599
For no apparent reason.
279
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:10,069
Do you want to run any policy stuff,
any lines?
280
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:11,195
You know, things you might want to say?
281
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:14,750
Look, what about the
plastic versus wooden toys thing?
282
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,559
Oh, God, no, no, no.
That was absolute 4 a.m. Stuff,
283
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:21,519
that was to be filed away
with Community Support Parkkeepers.
284
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,636
Complete top-of-the-head stuff. No, no.
285
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,757
No, I think this is just
about showing the real Nicola.
286
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:29,994
Operation Not Smug, Not Glum.
287
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:36,309

Well, I'm told this lunch

is on the fifth floor, so...
288
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,238
It's taking a while, I mean,
maybe we should... We should just walk.
289
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,470
I'm not walking to the fifth floor.
290
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:44,835
I would actually like to be able
to speak by the time we get up there.
291
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:45,909
(LIFT DINGING)
292
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,956
No, look, if I go in the lift,
293
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,429
I become convinced I'm going to die,
so I'm going to walk.
294
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,909
I'm sorry. Claustrophobic. I'm sorry.
295
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:56,431
And just check that
for the duration of the lunch
296
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:57,953
we are all off the record, yes?
297
00:12:58,040 --> 00:12:59,871
I mean, but we're happy to be on.
298
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:02,076
No, off is best.
299
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:05,948
It's a bit like
when the snooker comes on, on the telly,
300
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:09,077
you know, you just... Off. Off.

301
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:10,595
Off.
302
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:13,240
How's it going with her?
How are you finding her?
303
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,038
- Nicola?
- Mmm-hmm.
304
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:17,159
Very, um...
305
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,556
good. Er - fun.
306
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:23,949
(ALL EXCLAIMING IN GREETING)
307
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:27,510
Hello. Nicola Murray.
Hello. Nicola Murray.
308
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,956
Nicola... Oh, this is all formal,
isn't it? I need to lighten up.
309
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:33,315
Yeah, I like to use the stairs
sometimes to,
310
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:34,833
you know, just a bit of a laugh.
311
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:38,879
Right, so, well done,
bit of a baptism of fire, first week.
312
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,712
The whole "I am bent" thing,
the sack race stuff.
313
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,518
Oh, God, yeah, I know.
That was annoying.

314
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:44,716
- MALE REPORTER: Yeah.
- And hilarious.
315
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:45,949
FEMALE REPORTER: Annoying and hilarious?
316
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:48,873
Yeah, you know, like Russell Brand.
317
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,359
You wanna hate him, but he's just funny.
318
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:51,475
(ALL LAUGHING)
319
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:53,835
It's like, well, um,
the current problems.
320
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:58,270
(HESITATINGLY) Which problems
in particular?
321
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,430
Just asking, we're off the record.
322
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:02,589
I'm not playing any games with you,
323
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:04,033
I'm not tobogganing you,
anything like that.
324
00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:05,792
Well, it's only been a week.
325
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:07,757
A lot of data to keep on top of
at DoSAC, I imagine?
326
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:12,072
Oh, there really is. Or are. Is? Are?
327
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,230
Data. Don't know. Plural?

328
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:17,477
Come on, you're the <i>Guardian.</i>
I don't know, it's a minefield.
329
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:22,429
We do very much keep on top of it.
Or them.
330
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:26,715
The datas. That's a very important part
of what we do.
331
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:29,234
And um, we back up everything...
332
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,635
All... All the time.
333
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:32,948
MALCOLM: Afternoon, ladies.
334
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,190
I heard there were sandwiches
and I'm a fucker for cress.
335
00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:37,475
No, no, no, please don't get up,
I'm not Viagra.
336
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:39,437
- Jeffrey. Good to see you.
- Always a pleasure.
337
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:42,671
John, how you doing? I just want to
tell you, I really enjoyed your novel...
338
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:43,795
Oh, thank you very much.
339
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:47,077
...way of writing a fucking awful story.
Joking, joking!
340
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,479
So!

341
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,354
Eh? Eh?
342
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,439
She's not smug. She's not sour, is she?
343
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:54,675
Thanks, Malcolm.
344
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:57,957
See, what it is, is these bastards,
the other bastards,
345
00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:02,238
they are selling her as smug and sour.
You know why that is?
346
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,230
'Cause she's a proper person.
347
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:06,753
With dyed roots and stretch marks.
348
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:10,435
She's not one of these arseholes
that goes on <i>The One Show,</i>
349
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:12,272
fucking laughing their heads off
350
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:13,839
about the fucking <i>Apprentice</i>
or whatever it is.
351
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:17,629
She's ordinary.
And they can't handle that. Yeah?
352
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:21,952
But that's why we need you guys,
the good guys, on side.
353
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:23,393
I mean, they've certainly
gotta get through you.

354
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,391
You couldn't be any closer.
355
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,152
Oh, ta, I'll come a bit closer to you.
356
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:28,878
No, no. That's enough, thanks.
357
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,359
Yeah, I don't wanna do that, you know.
358
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:34,035
Not with the old wandering hand syndrome
that you've got.
359
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:35,348
You managed to patch it up with her?
360
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:38,000
Well, not now. Not now, Malcolm, thanks.
361
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,992
You're still sleeping in the car, yeah?
362
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:45,229
Sorry, Nicola. We talked about
immigration, what's going to happen
363
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,630
when there is the next
inevitable immigration foul-up,
364
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:49,755
how is that going to work?
365
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,195
Look, she's been in the job a week.
Right?
366
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,874
The department's shit,
they're fucking shit!
367
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:58,839
She's working her fucking lady bollocks

off, trying to get things done in there.

368
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,753
She's really doing all right. All right?
369
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,075
Fuck's sake.
370
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:07,152
Well, a week
is a short time in politics.
371
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:11,399
I think as a rule, I will be very happy
to come and talk policy.
372
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:15,678
Fantastic. That's great.
What's a trademark Nicola Murray policy?
373
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:21,434
Well, there's the...
the wooden toys thing.
374
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,317
JEFFREY: Brilliant.
NICOLA: Yeah, I mean it really is.
375
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,073
We're knocking about
some ideas about plastics.
376
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:29,516
I'm aware that my kids' toy box
is full of plastic
377
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,675
and they have very few of
the little wooden toys, you know,
378
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:37,116
that would have been traditionally
played with by their forefathers
379
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:40,909
and fore... mothers. It's a big family.
380

00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:47,189

Uh, and... plastics sometimes
contain carcinogens so...
381
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:54,350
The first step, I think, is going to be
probably trying to decarcinogenosise
382
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:55,429
toys.
383
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,432
You know, mass decarcino-genocide.
384
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,838
The simple message here would be,
385
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,275
let's get back to wood.
386
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:09,230
Simple wooden toys, um,
for simple. People.
387
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,388
Children. It's very early days.
388
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:18,276
And obviously, we will
tighten that up a bit.
389
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,350
So. Good?
390
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:23,873
Good. Good.
391
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:28,150
- Good.
- Fine. Yeah.
392
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:29,912
Good, good.
393
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,389
Funny old department to come into,
isn't it?

394
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:35,472
You know, obviously you've shied away
from talking about it a bit in there,
395
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:39,075
but immigration,
is that all sorted now?
396
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:42,951
Right, we weren't sure
whether you knew or not but...
397
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,758
Yeah, that's DoSAC.
398
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:47,752
You say that,
I had no idea when I came in
399
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:50,559
that we were just haemorrhaging
citizenship data.
400
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:53,518
- Haemorrhaging?
- Yeah, it's the last six months' worth.
401
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,558
- God!
- Did you... How... Did you know?
402
00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:58,389
Well, we do now.
403
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:01,119
Well, thank God we're off the record.
404
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:03,668
Bye-bye, John, lovely to meet you.
405
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,553
Sorry, bye-bye. It was nice to...
I didn't catch your name.
406
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:10,598
- Oh, it's Marianne, actually.

- Marianne. Right. Yeah.

407
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:12,511
So you were at the lunch, weren't you?
408
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:16,832
Um... No, no, actually I'm freelance,
I'm just doing some feature shifts.
409
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,551
Sorry. Uh, Marianne...
410
00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:23,950
You were behind us just now
coming down the stairs, weren't you?
411
00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:27,157
So, you heard
what we were talking about and...
412
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:28,389
- Yeah.
- But we were off the record,
413
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:29,879
- so that's...
- Well,
414
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,554
it's very nice to meet you, anyway.
415
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,510
Shit. Shit!
416
00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:42,719
Come on. Hey, French Lieutenant's woman,
we're over here. Come on!
417
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,234
What are you doing,
marking out your territory?
418
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:46,992
Welcome to the mothership.
419
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:49,992
I just... I need some air.

Olly, can you come with me?

420
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:51,991
Open the door! Come with me now.
421
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,719
MALCOLM: A post-match puker, is she?
422
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,153
- Come on!
- What? What is it?
423
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:58,993
Look over there, there's a woman,
red hair, young woman on the phone.
424
00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:00,149
- Yeah.
- She was behind me on the stairs,
425
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,231
I thought she was off the record,
she was actually on the record.
426
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:03,435
So I need you to go over there now,
427
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:04,635
take whatever was on the record
off the record.
428
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:05,835
What is it? What was on the record?
429
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:07,399
It doesn't matter.
Don't be thick for once.
430
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,913
I'm not being thick.
You're not giving me enough words.
431
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,673
Say whatever it was is off the record.
Go, now, run, run, run! Marianne.
432
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,797

All right!
I don't know what she said.
433
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:21,275
(SIGHING) Yep.
434
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:24,318
I'm going to miss my wine tasting
again tonight.
435
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:29,196
I expect you're probably
just more of a single-malt man.
436
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,915
I mean, I quite like a...
437
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:37,118
Look, for fuck's sake, we both know
I've got Blackberrys to check.
438
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,596
Marianne, I'm not threatening you,
but...
439
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:40,795
What?
440
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,711
Well, like I say,
I'm not threatening you.
441
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:45,030
Yeah, well, usually the phrase
"I'm not threatening you but..."
442
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,553
is followed by a threat.
443
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,279
I'm sorry, Malcolm, I'm really sorry.
444
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:53,478
Fuck's sake! Jesus! Christ!
445
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,313
Well, now we've got

another fucking adjective

446
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,755
to add to fucking smug and glum,
haven't we?
447
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:00,637
Fucking retarded!
448
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,394
Jesus... Do you not think
it would be germane
449
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:04,959
to check who you're talking to?
450
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:06,792
It's a fucking newspaper office!
451
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,872
It's not a fucking sanatorium
for the fucking deaf, is it?
452
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,552
Are you so dense?
453
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:14,677
Am I going to have to run around
slapping badges on people
454
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,876
with a big tick on some
and a big cross on others
455
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:20,157
so you know when to shut your gob
and when to open it?
456
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:21,719
Jesus Christ!
457
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,472
Oh, but that'll probably confuse you
as well, won't it?
458
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:24,788
That'll be too confusing.

459
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,997
You'll see the cross and go,
"Oh, fuck, X marks the spot.
460
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:30,116
"Better tell this little person
all about the Prime Minister's
461
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,998
"fucking catastrophic
erectile dysfunction!"
462
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:34,718
Oh, but not to worry. Not to worry.
463
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,438
You've sent fucking Olly over there
to deal with it.
464
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,636
- (NICOLA STAMMERING)
- Fucking Olly!
465
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,278
He's a fucking...
He's a fucking knitted scarf, that twat.
466
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:41,634
He's a fucking balaclava!
467
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,312
Well, you're on very shaky
legal ground there.
468
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,994
No, I'm really not. How am I? Oh.
469
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:50,150
Look, the department's
not fit for purpose, really.
470
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,117
- No, it's not.
- I mean, Terri's quite bad and...
471
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,033

Not just Terri. I mean,

I'm not going to name names but Robyn,
472
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,758
- Robyn's shit. Total shit.
- Robyn, she's total shit.
473
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,432
All right, Morph. Fuck off.
474
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:03,150
I'm sure that we can settle this matter
of you eavesdropping
475
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,356
on a private conversation.
476
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,589
It was a public conversation.
477
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,274
No, you are...
You think you're so clever
478
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,999
and you are so totally wanking
with the wrong crowd here
479
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:15,433
because this man, right?
480
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:16,555
(HURRIED WHISPERS)
481
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:17,914
This man is the press.
482
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:21,356
I misspoke and I mis-saw you...
483
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,396
- Nicola!
- Fuck... What have I done?
484
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:25,914
Right, so do you think that
this is going to advance your career?

485
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:27,069
Is this you moving forward?
486
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:28,639
At least my career has got a trajectory,
487
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,473
whereas yours is about to crash head-on
into a change of government.
488
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:33,596
Don't you worry, girl,
because I can still fucking steer
489
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,636
some fucking flaming wreckage
right in your fucking direction.
490
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,234
Yeah, I tell you what. Once it's printed
I promise I'll come back to you
491
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:39,514
for a reaction quote. How's that?
492
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,238
Darling, I wouldn't fucking piss on you
493
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,117
if you were fucking
allergic to piss, right?
494
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:45,156
- On you go. Walk the walk.
- Quite enough for me for one day.
495
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:47,708
- Thank you.
- Walk the walk. Fuck right off. Go on.
496
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:48,949
We'll live though this, won't we?
497
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:51,076
Nicola, I've got the list ready
whenever you're ready.

498
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,195
I'm ready now, actually. Yeah.
499
00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:54,271
I can do it in reverse order
if you like. Like the pop charts.
500
00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:56,510
- Oh, how was Meet The Press?
- It was not great.
501
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,397
They didn't know about the data loss,
they do now.
502
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,471
Okay, well, that's not too bad, though,
off the record.
503
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:01,595
They can't use any of it.
504
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:04,638
No, I was ambushed
by a not-off-the-record journalist.
505
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,597
- Never mind.
- Oh, fuck!
506
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:08,750
All right, from now on,
none of us let her out of our sight.
507
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:10,637
She's not to be trusted.
Sorry, Minister.
508
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:11,709
- Terri.
- Yes?
509
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:15,156
Where in the civil service guidelines
does it say it's absolutely fine
510

00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:17,549

to leave your minister alone
with a hostile journalist,
511
00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:20,029
if you just can't be arsed
to walk down the stairs?
512
00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:21,633
- No, I'd already pressed the button.
- GLENN: Absolutely.
513
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:24,154
However, it was supposed
to be on Olly's stick,
514
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:25,798
so he is the last man standing.
515
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:29,953
Hey! Hey! Hey! At least I know
how to use a stick, Mr Floppy.
516
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:31,075
Have you finished?
517
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,232
Well, no, I imagine I'm gonna have
to be doing it over and over again
518
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:36,390
until you go on the fucking course.
519
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:37,799
Okay, let's call a truce.
520
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,872
Let's agree that nobody in this room
is going to be sacked, okay?
521
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,712
- For now.
- I've still got the original list here.
522
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,279
Okay, let's start with that.
523

00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,590

Top of the list is Kelly Peters.
524
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:47,795
- TERRl: No.
- Why not?
525
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:49,552
She's a very nice girl, Kelly Peters.
526
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:52,234
I mean, she's very kind.
She often lends me hardbacks.
527
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,356
- Terri, <i>The Mail</i> is on the phone.
- NICOLA: Christ.
528
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,715
Don't worry. I'll deal with it.
I'll deal with it.
529
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,633
(SIGHING) Um, Robyn.
530
00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:01,039
- OLLY: Yeah.
- What? No, no, no, no.
531
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:04,874
Absolutely... There are too many
implications, we just simply cannot
532
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,713
go with the idea of sacking Robyn, okay?
533
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:09,074
Are you sleeping with her?
534
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:10,752
What? No!
535
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:12,956
Although every time he does see her
in his head he just hears...
536
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:14,792

(SCATTING PORN VIDEO MUSIC)

537
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:17,479
- Olly!
- It just seems to me
538
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:19,278
that all we'd be losing
if we got rid of Robyn
539
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,794
is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea,
you know. I don't think we've...
540
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:22,949
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
541
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:24,439
Shit, Malcolm. Hello?
542
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,317
Get over here. Now.
543
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,470
<i>Might be advisable</i>
<i>to wear brown trousers</i>
544
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:30,232
<i>and a shirt the colour of blood.</i>
545
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,595
- Fuck.
- GLENN: Has he run off? He does that.
546
00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:35,877
Yeah, it's all just gone really HBO.
I've got to go to Number 10 now.
547
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:37,029
What, now?
548
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:40,510
Need my coat and one of...
And you, Terri.
549
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:43,558
- What? Really?

- I need my right... Oh, fuck, shoes.

550
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:46,598
- You want me to come with you, too?
- Yes.
551
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,634
- Shit.
- Okay. Right, we're off.
552
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,193
I'm actually wondering whether
to take... No, I can't take the lift.
553
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:57,159
I just wanted to say to you
by way of introductory remarks
554
00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:01,028
that I'm extremely miffed
about today's events.
555
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:07,753
And in my quest to try and make you
understand the level of my unhappiness,
556
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:12,079
I'm likely to use an awful lot of
what we would call
557
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:13,593
violent sexual imagery.
558
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,193
And I just wanted to check
559
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:18,431
that neither of you
would be terribly offended by that.
560
00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:21,353
I could actually do without
the theatrics, I think, Malcolm.
561
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:24,432
Enough! E-fucking-nough.
562

00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:28,035

You need to learn
to shut your fucking cave. Right?
563
00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:33,752
Today, you have laid
your first big fat egg of solid fuck.
564
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:37,435
You took the data loss media strategy
565
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:39,829
and you ate it with a lump of E. Coli.
566
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:42,912
And then you sprayed it
out of your arse at 300 mph.
567
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:44,752
I simply made a mistake.
568
00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:48,469
You got on the record
and off the record fucking mixed up!
569
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:51,632
What would have happened
if like George Martin had done that?
570
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:53,517
We'd have no fucking Beatles,
that's what.
571
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:55,033
Now, I don't give a fuck about that.
572
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:58,317
I've had to fucking sit next
to Paul McCartney at fucking Chequers.
573
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:00,436
The data loss wasn't my fault.
574
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:01,953
Fine, yeah, but I tell you what.
575
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,474

It came out fucking pretty fast

once you were in there, didn't it?
576
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,835
Which makes me wonder,
should I just go and talk to the boss?
577
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:09,150
Should I go and tell him,
"I don't think she's up to the job."
578
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:11,196
You said yourself that
if he sacks me after a week
579
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:12,474
it looks like he's fucked up.
580
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:14,630
Yeah, but that was before,
581
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:18,429
when your only problem was
a fucking shit pun in a newspaper
582
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:22,069
and a face like Dot Cotton
licking piss off a nettle.
583
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:26,516
Okay, I messed up, right? I messed up.
584
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:30,718
But I will from now on listen
to every bit of advice you give me.
585
00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:35,032
Yeah, I'll go on <i>Question Time</i>
wearing a push-up bra and a fez.
586
00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:39,875
Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if
that is what you tell me the strategy is
587
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:42,428
because you know
about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that.

588
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:45,193
It's just that I've got things
I want to do, all right?
589
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:48,113
Of course you do, like Montessori
fucking rocking horses, I suppose.
590
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:49,315
No, no.
591
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,914
<i>The Mail</i> have the motherlode
on this, right?
592
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:54,912
So that means that
there is a way through this for us
593
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:56,831
but it entails you, my dear,
594
00:25:56,920 --> 00:26:01,072
eating a complete concrete mixer
full of humble pie.
595
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,230
Right, what's the strategy?
596
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:06,395
The Kraken awakes.
597
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:08,755
No, no. It's just that... I mean,
this is the first bit of the meeting
598
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:12,515
that hasn't been about expletives
and fezzes and stilts and teabagging.
599
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:15,717
I mean, this is the bit that
relates to media management.
600
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:20,032
I didn't say anything about teabagging.
Do you even know what teabagging is?

601
00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:23,032
Not really, no.
I'm told it's unpleasant.
602
00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:26,715
- Who do you want me to call?
<i>- The Mail.</i> Get <i>The Mail</i> in.
603
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,394
Right, okay, come on. The Cheeky Girls,
that's it, back on tour.
604
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:30,469
(SIGHING)
605
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:32,755
- Yeah, I love you work.
- (WHISPERING) Teabagging?
606
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:35,271
Yes, this is Marianne from <i>The Mail.</i>
607
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:37,430
Glenn, I've told you
who I want you to fire.
608
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:42,071
I need you to do it, not me, because
I'm relatively popular around here
609
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:44,549
and frankly, you've got nothing to lose.
610
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:46,995
(CLEARING THROAT)
611
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:49,674
Well, this is it, Robyn,
this is me, true to my word.
612
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:52,957
Andrew, mate, sorry, nothing personal,
you've got to clear your desk and go.
613
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:54,155
- What?

- Please don't hit me.

614
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:55,275
I'm wearing glasses.
615
00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,999
NICOLA:
What I'd like to say to your readers
616
00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:03,108
is that the person responsible
is being fast-tracked to the dole queue
617
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:05,668
as fast as her kitten heels
will carry her.
618
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:07,990
You need to leave your badge,
obviously, security.
619
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:09,229
Stick it!
620
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:12,517
Andrew, please,
don't take it like this, please.
621
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:14,113
NICOLA:
We're going to sort this mess out.
622
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:16,555
- Andrew.
- TERRl: I'm so sorry.
623
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:19,913
MARIANNE: Is everything all right
out there? It seems, uh...
624
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:24,357
So, that was, um,
the person responsible.
625
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:27,595
Didn't you say something
about kitten heels or...

626
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:29,352
It's never a pretty business,
627
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:31,749
but you know, he made mistakes and...
628
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:33,637
And he had to go.
629
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:37,436
Olly, perhaps you could show Marianne
to the lifts.
630
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:39,317
Actually, I thought
I might take the stairs,
631
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:41,311
see what else I can pick up
on my way out.
632
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:43,635
That's very funny.
633
00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:46,874
Hi, Nicola. You all right?
634
00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:50,396
Yeah. Robyn, could you get me some tea?
635
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:52,149
Now?
636
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:55,231
Um... Bad moment?
637
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:59,793
You sacked the wrong person, Glenn.
They're all bad moments.
638
00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:01,393
TERRI (SOFTLY): Glenn. How's Nicola?
639
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:03,436
GLENN: She looks so... glum.

640
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,196
She looks like I feel
when I visit Sheffield.
641
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:08,148
(TERRI SIGHING)
642
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:10,196
TERRl: Well, I don't think
the <i>Guardian</i> liked us
643
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:11,554
going on the record with <i>The Mail.</i>
644
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:14,313
I mean, I did try and spin it.
I got them to take "frowny" out.
645
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:16,755
No, you didn't.
Frowny's the second adjective.
646
00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:18,637
Oh. Well, I did do something.
647
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:20,915
"Nicola Murray,
looking glum, frowny and tired,
648
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:22,274
"was overheard moaning about..."
649
00:28:22,360 --> 00:28:26,148
Glenn, mate, what would you do
if you found that a dongle
650
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:27,798
that everyone had thought was lost
651
00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:31,953
was right at the bottom
of your second best bag?
652
00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:34,589
I don't think we'd want it back.
653

00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:38,036

"One of her gems
is a plan to outlaw plastic toys."
654
00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:40,429
GLENN: Right now, Olly, Nicola hates us
655
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:43,830
but if she knew we'd found it,
she'd start laughing.
656
00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:47,911
Hating is better than laughing.
Trust me.
657
00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:50,036
NICOLA: "Why anyone would
want to brand her a killjoy
658
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:51,997
"or a sourpuss is beyond us."
659
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:53,752
That was it. It was sourpuss.
660
00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:56,354
They wanted to put "sour",
I suggested the "puss".
661
00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:58,317
- Morning.
- Morning.
662
00:28:58,400 --> 00:28:59,674
GLENN: Morning.
663
00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:04,514
I'll see if I can find
a hammer and some acid.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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