1

00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,319

Oh, that's great.
2
00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:04,311
(CHUCKLING) Don't know why
we've ordered so much water.
3
00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:05,435
We've all got rabies.
4
00:00:05,520 --> 00:00:08,034
So, basically, just get crisps
shaped like rockets,
5
00:00:08,120 --> 00:00:09,235
rainbow-coloured ice cream,
6
00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:11,880
you know, the sort of stuff that all
the other kids have at their parties.
7
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:15,191
Blimey! More? What are we doing?
Opening a dolphinarium?
8
00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:18,113
Good. Sorted. So...
Sorry about that. Where were we?
9
00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:21,670
- Uh, healthy eating.
- TERRl: Beneficial Lifestyle Choices.
10
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:23,671
- Get in.
- What?
11
00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:24,909
I've just landed Andy Murray.
12
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,798
- Yay! That's brilliant! Andy Murray?
- Andy Murray! Well,
13
00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:29,154
- I've definitely got Andy Murray.
- Andy Murray,

14
00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:30,878
- the face of Healthy Choices.
- GLENN: Oh, all right.
15
00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:33,030
- TERRl: The tennis player?
- No, the fucking pianist.
16
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,793
Nicola Murray nets Andy Murray.
17
00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:38,348
OLLY: We both netted him together.
TERRl: Are you sure you want him?
18
00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:40,476
- NICOLA: Uh, yeah!
- Murray?
19
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:41,914
Doesn't it sound like nepotism?
20
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:46,073
Like, in the way that people think
Russ and Diane Abbott are related?
21
00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:47,149
- OLLY: Yeah.
- Possibly.
22
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:48,229
And Bill Murray's her father.
23
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:49,912
Okay, I'll level with you.
I don't like him.
24
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,797
NICOLA: Who would you
suggest then, Terri?
25
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,235
- Paula Radcliffe.
- Pooey Paula?
26
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:55,355

That's not healthy.

27
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,591
Shitting in your own pants,
that's definitely not a healthy image.
28
00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:00,955
She could demonstrate
how to do the hop, shit and jump.
29
00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,156
That is very unfair.
It only happened once.
30
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:04,468
Once is all you need!
31
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,393
Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of
<i>Strictly Come Dancing...</i>
32
00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:09,038
(GROANING) "There we go!"
33
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,588
You'd never hear the end of that.
And quite rightly.
34
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:15,275
Terri, can we move on
from your hatred of Andy Murray
35
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,590
and can we start trailing
a major DoSAC initiative?
36
00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:19,272
Now, don't give any details
at this stage,
37
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,828
- just say it's major TBA.
- TBA?
38
00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:23,717
- To be announced.
- Oh. Just...

39
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:27,190
It's really self-defeating if I have
to explain abbreviations to you.
40
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:29,316
- Sure, sure...
- FFS.
41
00:01:29,720 --> 00:01:31,836
- What's FFS?
- Oh, for fuck...
42
00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,753
Oh, we're going to need
Malcolm clearance, Olly. Okay?
43
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,353
Glenn, can you get rid
of all this water as well?
44
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:38,715
It looks like something
out of fucking <i>Doctor Who.</i>
45
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,388
Here they come.
It's the Flying Scots-curry-man.
46
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,277
# Where's your poppadum? #
47
00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:46,557
You have got to try this aubergine.
It's cooked in ghee.
48
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,915
I fucking love ghee.
It's like fucking freebasing butter.
49
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:50,558
Have some more wine.
Come on, get quaffing.
50
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:51,629
(MOBILE RINGING)
51
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,995

Oh, Christ, here we go.

No, we don't do takeaway. Right.
52
00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:55,069
(ALL LAUGHING)
53
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:56,388
Listen, see, if this is recorded spam,
54
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:58,675
I'm gonna hunt you down
and burst your fucking lungs.
55
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,472
Where actually are you, Malcolm?
56
00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:01,669
I'm on holidays.
57
00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:03,239
Where are you on holiday? Where?
58
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:05,880
Right, okay,
I'm in Thailand in a sex bar.
59
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,393
About to get a fucking facial.
60
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:10,438
Right. Quick summary.
Andy Murray, famous tennis player,
61
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,431
also a lovely Scotch person,
62
00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,909
face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices.
63
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:18,788
Nicola Murray,
slightly panicky minister-lady,
64
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:20,108
wonder if that's okay with you?
65

00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,428

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Andy Murray.
66
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:23,476
Yeah, Andy Pandy fucking Gandhi
having a hand shandy.
67
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,120
Whatever. Just, you know,
fuck off out of my life. Okay?
68
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:27,553
Okey-dokey.
69
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:30,837
The man from Hell Monte,
he say, "Fuckin' aye."
70
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,633
Sorry about that. Everybody's heard
about the cooking, so it's...
71
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:37,109
So, Malcolm, what's all this about?
72
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:40,749
Well, I know that these are hard times
for print journalists, yeah?
73
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:42,159
I mean, I read that on the internet.
74
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:43,832
I mean, one day you're writing
for the papers
75
00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:45,069
and the next,
you're sleeping under them.
76
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,435
What, so this is like
Malcolm Tucker's soup kitchen?
77
00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:48,839
Well, it is, kind of, in a way.
78

00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:51,559

I just think that you should have
one big square meal
79
00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:54,837
before you end up fucking living off
white lightning in your own faeces.
80
00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:56,956
Come on, get stuck in.
I'll dish it up for you.
81
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,996
What about Tom bringing back
Steve Fleming?
82
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,150
That kind of makes you old news,
doesn't it?
83
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:02,912
You repositioning yourself, Malcolm?
84
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:07,835
This is about a guy sharing his ghee.
That's it. Okay?
85
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:10,713
So, you're not currying favour, then?
86
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,471
(LAUGHING) Sorry.
87
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:14,993
- Fuck you. Get out of my house.
- That was quite funny.
88
00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:16,638
- Get out of my fucking house.
- That was good, Geoffrey.
89
00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:19,632
That's it. I know... I mean, no wonder
nobody's fucking buying your paper.
90
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,199
He's really on holiday?

91
00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:23,430
Malcolm hasn't been on holiday
for 10 years.
92
00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:25,112
Malcolm's got to keep moving
or he's dead.
93
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:26,792
He's like a shark. Or Bob Dylan.
94
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,269
TERRl: Well, who's driving the bus?
STEVE: Morning!
95
00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:31,430
- Morning, DoSAC.
- GLENN: Oh.
96
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:34,512
Bollocky bollocks.
It's the Ghost of Christmas Shit.
97
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,353
There's your answer, Terri.
That's the man driving the bus.
98
00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:39,795
- That's Reg bloody Varney.
- Your name?
99
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,633
All stops to electoral oblivion.
Ding ding.
100
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:44,836
Get in my office, come on.
It'll buy us a bit of time.
101
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:45,955
GLENN: So, come on. Have a look.
102
00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:47,598
I've never seen Steve Fleming
in the flesh.
103
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:48,669

You're lucky.
104
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,911
For a man who brought us back
into power, he's not very imposing,
105
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,036
is he? He's like a Lego policeman.
106
00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,156
Look at him. Super Mario.
107
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,709
Morning, campers!
108
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:01,030
- Steve Fleming.
- Oh, no.
109
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,270
Hello. Oh! Okay.
110
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:06,030
- Hello, Nicola.
- Hi.
111
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:08,276
You look like you've lost some weight.
112
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:09,395
- Do I?
- STEVE: Yeah.
113
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:10,469
I don't think so, but...
114
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:14,712
I think so, yes.
No, your face looks quite gaunt.
115
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,274
- Muscly.
- Does it, now?
116
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:20,749
Anyway, I come bearing
caffeinated gifts.

117
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:22,478
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Okay. Thank you very much.
118
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:23,788
TERRl: That's very thoughtful,
thank you very much.
119
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:27,429
I'm going to cut to the chase.
I need you to publish
120
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:31,195
all the crime stats since 2004
121
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:35,512
as an accompaniment
to our Transparent Government launch.
122
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:38,838
From 2004 up to the last quarter.
123
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,789
Okay. We are just about to launch
Healthy Choices.
124
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:47,112
- With Andy Murray.
- Andy Murray! Whoa!
125
00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:49,551
- Ace!
- Good joke.
126
00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,198
We'll make a minister of you yet.
127
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:54,795
I mean, after that, we can try and get
you something for, say, end of the week?
128
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,792
After? Why after?
Why not right alongside?
129
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,191

Or, here's a thought...

130
00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:02,714
Before.
131
00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:06,635
Because we're under-resourced
and it's not a priority.
132
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:10,633
The PM thinks it is a priority.
It can be done.
133
00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:15,034
Oh, I seem to have reached
the end of my argument.
134
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,314
(LAUGHING)
135
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:20,439
Okay. Well, look, why don't we say
Thursday lunchtime. Okay?
136
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:21,919
Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch
on Thursday.
137
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,638
I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon.
138
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,757
Yes, I don't give a fuck
about Fran's leaving lunch.
139
00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:30,469
I'm saying now, now, now,
now, now, now. Now!
140
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:35,192
Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve.
141
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:37,870
Lovely. Thank you very much.
142
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,916
Good. Okay.

Well, it's a delight to see you again.

143
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,150
- Oh!
- Oh, I get another one.
144
00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:44,194
Mind my gaunt face.
145
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:45,793
(BOTH LAUGHING)
146
00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:47,393
- Bye-bye.
- ALL: Bye.
147
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:48,799
- Bye.
- OLLY: What do you call that?
148
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,678
Obsessive repulsive disorder,
I would say.
149
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,109
I'm going to ring Malcolm.
150
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,509
Holiday or no holiday,
I'm going to ring Malcolm about this.
151
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,511
"Caffeinated gifts."
152
00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,115
- Malcolm never brought us coffee.
- Bloody lunchtime.
153
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,634
- I like him.
- Yes, well, you like bath salts.
154
00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:04,233
You're basically an idiot.
155
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:05,913
So, everybody's for coffee, yeah?

156
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,594
- GEOFFREY: Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos.
157
00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:11,274
But I've made this so thick and black,
158
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,316
it'll be like fucking
drinking plimsolls.
159
00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:15,960
This Steve Fleming thing
is going to end in tears, isn't it?
160
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,429
I mean, you sacked him last time.
161
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:22,075
All right. Right. Okay.
Off the record. Right? Okay?
162
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,158
While Steve is a useful tool,
163
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:26,993
and I do emphasise
the word "useful" here,
164
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:28,678
I'm still running the show. Right?
165
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,513
If you're still running the show,
why do you need to tell us?
166
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,795
Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this.
167
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,713
It would be very much
fucking appreciated
168
00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:40,998
if you could emphasise the fact
that I'm the heart of government.

169
00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:44,709
Because it's fucking true.
I am the heart.
170
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:48,031
I am the ventricles.
And the fucking aorta.
171
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,873
(CHUCKLING) Malcolm, we get it.
You're still the star of the show.
172
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:51,949
It's not for me to say that.
173
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:53,758
No, you're still the star of the show.
174
00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:56,957
Yeah, until they start
wheeling out the celebrities.
175
00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,759
What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec
as the new fucking litter tsars?
176
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:02,149
That's when you know
you're 20 points behind in the polls.
177
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,915
Oh, well, thank you very much,
Mr Fucking Prick Robinson.
178
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:08,754
Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone.
179
00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:11,274
- What? Oh, I didn't...
- Your nephew. Andy Murray.
180
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:15,399
Fuck! On the line, now? Oh, my God!
It's Andy Murray on the line! What line?
181
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,074

- Press two.
- He's not there, Terri.
182
00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:19,991
- Fuck's sake!
- Maybe it was three.
183
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,594
God, it drives me insane!
Is he there now?
184
00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:24,318
Yeah, yeah. Hang on,
let me just get him off hold.
185
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,073
It really pisses me off!
The fucking phones in this whole...
186
00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:31,073
Andy! Hello. It's Nicola Murray, yes.
What a delight to talk to you!
187
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,035
<i>- Hi, Malcolm.</i>
- Olly. Andy Murray.
188
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,396
Oh, good. We are literally
confirming him as we speak.
189
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:40,677
Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities.
Right? It's just gonna look bad.
190
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:42,074
- NICOLA: Done deal.
- Why?
191
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:43,593
MALCOLM: <i>We're gonna</i>
<i>look desperate,</i> all <i>right?</i>
192
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,035
Well, Steve Fleming likes the idea.
193
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,839
Never mind what Mummy says.

Just do what Daddy says, right?

194
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,629
Yeah, whilst you're on,
there's another thing.
195
00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,871
Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish
the crime stats
196
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,110
as part of
the Transparent Government initiative.
197
00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,270
- Is that all right with Daddy?
- It's fine.
198
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,874
Really? Because Nicola's got
that baffled, panicky look
199
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,473
like a child on the ghost train.
200
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,152
Give me a second
while I look up my little file
201
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,879
of things I really don't
give a fuck about.
202
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:13,397
And here we have under the letter N,
we've got nail-bombing golf clubs,
203
00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,916
there is the National Trust,
there is Newcastle.
204
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,914
Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there.
205
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,276
So, fucking can Andy Murray and just
get on with the fucking crime stats.

206
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:27,876
I'll make sure that Kate liaises
with my press whiz kid, Terri Coverley.
207
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:28,995
She's a woman.
208
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:31,071
But listen, if there is anything else
we can do for you,
209
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:34,835
please don't hesitate to call.
Dare I say it, we are here to serve.
210
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:37,434
(LAUGHING) If you'll excuse the pun.
211
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,029
All right, Andy. Take care. Bye.
212
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,116
- Malcolm says we have to drop him.
- What?
213
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,395
Andy. He's not in, he's now out.
214
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,278
Apparently, according to Malcolm,
sent to bed without any barley water.
215
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,955
I mean, he's a fucking tennis player.
We're not asking Shane MacGowan. Why?
216
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:54,555
It's nothing personal. He just said
bringing in celebrities looks desperate.
217
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,437
He said it's the sign
of a dying government.
218
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:57,635
We are a dying government!

219
00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,756
Our hair's falling out
and we're coughing up blood
220
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,274
and our kids are asking us
to change the will.
221
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:03,634
Look, he was quite clear about this.
222
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:07,156
He said just, you know, kill it.
Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal.
223
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:08,878
Oh, I can imagine him
being clear about it.
224
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,393
Right. We've got to get on to...
225
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,277
- You've gotta get on to...
- TERRl: Me?
226
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:15,750
...Andy Murray's people and find
a polite way of saying, "Piss off, Andy.
227
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:18,718
"Apparently you're too well-known
to front our public awareness campaign."
228
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:19,869
- Right.
- Right.
229
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:23,999
Good news is I have done all that pile
and that's in the system.
230
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,878
- OLLY: Excellent.
- Oh, fuck me! What the hell is this?
231
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,349

It appears to be
a trolley full of crime stats.
232
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:32,352
"Vandalism." "Bicycle theft."
233
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,351
Oh, this is ridiculous!
234
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:37,830
Oh. Well, that's given us
an unexpected head start. Well done.
235
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:41,515
I would kill you but I'd have to add you
to the fucking figures.
236
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,431
NICOLA: Okay.
Think about what you're gonna say.
237
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,353
- Yeah. Okay, I've done that.
- What? Already? Is that enough time?
238
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,829
Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley.
239
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:52,754
Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled
about Andy being on board.
240
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:53,829
(WHISPERING) Get on with it.
241
00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:56,150
TERRl: (STAMMERING) No.
I'm not actually saying that it's...
242
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,834
Shit! End the call. End the call.
It's Moustache Sally.
243
00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:00,353
Steve Fleming's here.
Put the phone down.
244

00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:01,589

- Ah!
- TERRl: Sorry, can I call you back?
245
00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:03,352
- Nicola Murray!
- Can I call you back? Bye.
246
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:05,715
How are the crime stats coming along?
247
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:07,756
It's not easy, Steve,
as you can see.
248
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,114
But Glenn and Olly are on top of it.
249
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:10,599
"Other theft."
What the fuck is other theft?
250
00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:12,238
I don't know what other theft is.
251
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:16,791
If you want to stay late or pull
an all-nighter if you think it'd help...
252
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,871
You want us to work
all through the night on this?
253
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,554
It would be very much appreciated
upstairs.
254
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:23,790
Ah, well. I'm an atheist.
255
00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,952
(LAUGHING) By the Prime Minister.
256
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:31,589
I did get the joke, by the way.
257
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:32,909

(MOUTHING) Well done.

258
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,270
Good morning, good morning,
good morning. I'm back.
259
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,316
I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home
but here I am.
260
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:39,594
What do you think of the tan, huh?
261
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,557
What do you think of this shade?
I call it Custard Cancer.
262
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,154
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Where did you go?
263
00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:45,878
I went to, um, Easter Island.
264
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,269
I thought I'd spend my time there
rechiselling all the statues,
265
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:51,158
so that they'd look like Westlife.
How about a coffee?
266
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,993
Oh, I've sent you a link
to Andy Murray's website.
267
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:55,877
There's something you should see.
268
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,791
Andy Murray's website?
269
00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:01,395
Andy says, "Just agreed to lead the
government's Healthy Choices campaign.
270
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:04,438

"Eat, live, be well." Fuck a Pot Noodle.

271
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:06,990
Sam, prepare my horse.
272
00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:10,838
I ride to DoSAC.
273
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,152
- Hello, Terri.
- Morning, Nicola.
274
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:17,391
- Who am I, Terri?
- You're Nicola? Nicola Murray?
275
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:22,279
- Ah. Secretary of State for...
- That's right. I'm Secretary of State.
276
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,032
So, why has a sports personality
277
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:26,509
launched my policy
on his fucking website?
278
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:29,273
Ah! No, I know.
I know exactly why that is.
279
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,157
You didn't make the phone call, did you?
280
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:34,232
- Well, uh, yes.
- Um, in other really bad news...
281
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,675
- Good morning, by the way.
- This is about the crime stats, yeah?
282
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:39,228
Yes. Some of the crime stats
that we published,
283
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:42,551

as it turns out, were unverified and not

ready for being in the public domain.
284
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:45,837
- Uh, Marianne Swift of <i>The</i> Mail...
- Oh, Swine-Face Swift.
285
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,115
That's the one. She noticed a drop
286
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,839
in the figures for aggravated burglary
in the last quarter.
287
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:54,037
- Whereas, when she checked it out...
- There was no drop.
288
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:55,633
- Yeah.
- Right.
289
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:59,633
So, Swine-Face Swift
and her piggy hack-hog colleagues...
290
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,359
Exactly. So, we're getting
a lot of oinking on the phones.
291
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,000
So, basically, what that means
is that the department,
292
00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:07,514
well, essentially the royal you,
293
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,239
um, seem to have massaged
the crime figures.
294
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,357
Great. Thank you,
Steve fucking "Oh, Nicola!" Fleming.
295
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:17,069
Yup. He is a fucking... ninny, isn't he?

296
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:18,718
- Bring my dispatch boxes.
- Okay.
297
00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:20,473
- Malcolm!
- Oh, there he is.
298
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,915
Bob Carolgees. How's the wee comedy dog?
299
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:27,198
Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear
your kitchen's lovely this time of year.
300
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:30,636
- Yeah. Well, actually, I went to Spain.
- Oh, nice.
301
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,358
Yeah, yeah. I went to Malaga.
It was lovely.
302
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:34,670
I was golfing with Stephen Hawking,
he's fucking shit.
303
00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:36,159
He lied about his handicap.
304
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,470
Mind you, I never had to hire
a golf buggy. I just sat in his lap.
305
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:43,509
Please. Why do we have to be like this?
All this negative energy. Come on!
306
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:45,633
- What?
- Well, we've got to work together.
307
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,153
So, you know...
308
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:50,791
So what? I mean, that doesn't mean

we have to like each other, does it?

309
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,836
- No, I mean...
- Sorry.
310
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,154
We both know we don't like each other.
Everyone knows that.
311
00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,800
We are the Gallagher brothers
of politics.
312
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,917
How does that work? Does that mean
that I am the semi-talented songwriter
313
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,514
and you're the fucking loutish prick?
That's a lovely analogy.
314
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,910
You were the one who forced me out
of the sodding band.
315
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,673
(CHUCKLING) Come on, let's have a chat.
316
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,679
You were asked
to leave the fucking band.
317
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,115
And you wouldn't fucking go, would you?
318
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:21,556
You had to hang on in there
like a limpet up a whale's arse.
319
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:25,599
Why do you thrive so much
on being disliked?
320
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,432
People hate me? Good!
321

00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,078

Bring it on.
Do you know what they think about you?
322
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:30,559
Oh, I'm sure you're gonna
tell me, Malcolm.
323
00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,835
I'll tell you exactly
what people say about you.
324
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,717
- All right. Go on, then.
- Fuck all!
325
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,358
Oh, do they? Fuck all?
326
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,078
People have got no fucking opinion
about you.
327
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:41,755
You're like fucking Special K
or fucking The Moody Blues.
328
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,910
Actually, you're fucking white noise
in the background.
329
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,319
Funny? Is that funny?
Do you find it funny?
330
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,392
No, I don't find anything
you're saying funny whatsoever.
331
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:51,677
And I'll tell you a home truth,
Malcolm Tucker,
332
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,513
the people who are really hated
in this country,
333
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,353

the people who are really hated, are us.

This government.
334
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:58,475
How about we stand together?
335
00:13:58,560 --> 00:13:59,549
(MOBILE BEEPS)
336
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:01,949
Let's both be team players, shall we?
337
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,430
Were you the Einstein that okayed this
fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC?
338
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,158
Because I've got
<i>The Telegraph</i> on here.
339
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:10,038
And you've probably got <i>The Times</i> asking
why the budget's been pre-announced
340
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,634
- on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs.
- Shit!
341
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:17,111
"The last quarter's crime stats,
which DoSAC have published,
342
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,476
"are unconfirmed projections." Shit!
343
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,438
- That's DoSAC for you.
- Come on, Malcolm. Team players!
344
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:24,794
Bring me sunshine.
345
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:28,839
No, we're not manipulating the figures.
Somebody quite simply made a mistake.
346
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:32,196

- No. No, I couldn't possibly say who.

- Glenn Cullen.
347
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:33,713
Glenn. With one N.
348
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,031
NICOLA: We have actually decided to go
in a different direction from Andy.
349
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:39,315
- Good holiday?
- Shut it, you fucking hairdresser.
350
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,389
Got any photos?
351
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,630
I've got a photo of you in a minute
in your cock nailed to the desk.
352
00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:45,154
Hey, you want to see something
that's truly worth photographing?
353
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,789
Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh?
That's the real master of spin.
354
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,075
He's Spini fucking Hendrix.
355
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:53,913
Nicola, you and your department
have screwed up!
356
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,353
I'd like to agree
with the previous speaker,
357
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,431
only adding the words "fucking royally".
358
00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:59,636
Oh, Jesus! Am I being gang-bollocked?
359
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:02,029

Andy Murray's Henman-fisting us

in the press.
360
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:03,155
- Well, we...
- We can't have...
361
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,310
With undue respect, Malcolm,
362
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,960
the crime stats cock-up
is a much bigger deal. Yeah.
363
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,759
This is such a great double act,
isn't it? Good cock, bad cock.
364
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,673
I'll tell you what. Why don't
you go first, man? I need a wazz.
365
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:16,433
I like you, Nicola, I quite like you.
366
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:19,671
But darling, I've got to ask you,
what the bloody hell happened?
367
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:21,910
Like you asked,
we published the crime figures
368
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,831
from 2004 up to the last quarter.
369
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:28,630
Yes. Up to the last quarter but not
up to and including the last quarter,
370
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,119
you dozy mare!
371
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:33,476
"Up to" includes the thing
you're going up to. Right?
372

00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:37,633

If we say count up to 20, it means
count up to and include the number 20.
373
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,472
The events leading up
to the Second World War
374
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,835
do not include the Second World War.
375
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,911
We haven't got time
for a semantic argument about this.
376
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:47,959
- Listen, sweetheart...
- Do not fucking call me sweetheart!
377
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:50,076
I think you'll find
that Steve was addressing me.
378
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,355
- The tache is a bit of a giveaway.
- I will draft a statement.
379
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,512
You fucking will not draft
any fucking statement.
380
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:56,953
I've been minding the shop!
381
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,678
You were fucking minding the shop
and what happened?
382
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:02,116
A bunch of fucking school kids came in
and fucking dropped their trousers
383
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,872
and fucking had a shit in aisle five.
384
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,520
Well, thank you for giving us
a guided tour

385
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,637
around the Freudian nightmare
of your head.
386
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,393
Could you two decide between you
in which order and from which direction
387
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:13,515
I'm going to be shafted?
388
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:17,070
Andy! Let me talk you
through the decision there.
389
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,754
We do need to go
in a different direction. Mmm.
390
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:23,116
(STAMMERING) Well, that's probably...
We need to go black.
391
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,555
What? Sentiment? Comedy?
392
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,153
Would you like to speak
to Oliver Reeder?
393
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:29,674
'Cause he's the sort of mastermind.
The person...
394
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,797
- Don't tell him that.
- The whole...
395
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,198
Hello, Mr Murray.
396
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:40,270
(STAMMERING) I can assure you that you
would remain my number one choice.
397
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:44,717

But, you know, I put it together

and I don't get to have the final say
398
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:50,830
on anything, really. You know,
in any section of my life at all.
399
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,350
- Or even in my personal life. So...
- GLENN: Digging. Stop digging.
400
00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:55,635
(WHISPERING) So... Shut the fuck up!
401
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,359
Ignore him. Just come with me.
Come into my office.
402
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,590
Let's deal with the crime stats...
403
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,716
Come on. Malcolm, Malcolm. Malcolm!
404
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,633
(LAUGHING) Sorry about this, everybody.
405
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:12,152
Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest
of the fucking Village People.
406
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,676
TERRl: Sorry, Nicola, Malcolm,
excuse me. It's Andy Murray.
407
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:17,955
He's insisting on talking to you.
408
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,075
- Talk to him.
- What?
409
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,718
Get him back on board.
Fucking talk to him.
410
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:21,835

- No!
- (WHISPERS) Yes.
411
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,912
- You cannot be serious!
- Was that an attempt at a joke?
412
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,752
You told me to kill it. I've killed it.
413
00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:29,229
- No. No, no, no.
- Right now, some photos in the papers
414
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,515
of a very boring man
with tight white shorts on
415
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,397
is going to be
a very pleasant distraction
416
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:36,119
from Steve's fucking
crime stats abortion.
417
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:39,351
If we need a fucking celebrity,
can we try somebody else?
418
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:42,113
- Steve Redgrave.
- He's a boring fuck!
419
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,509
- Lewis Hamilton.
- Fucking boring, boring fuck.
420
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:46,909
- And fucking drives a car.
- Chris Boardman.
421
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,468
Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental?
Everybody hates cyclists.
422
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:51,198
Even fucking cyclists

hate fucking cyclists.

423
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:52,918
Plus, he's a boring fuck.
424
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,274
- I cannot...
- Paula Radcliffe?
425
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:57,511
- No, she shat in the street!
- And she's a boring fuck as well.
426
00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:01,513
How about we just launch the policy
without a celebrity?
427
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:05,593
Oh, great idea. Hello, there.
Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray,
428
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:06,908
would like to say to you
429
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,230
that even though you don't fucking
know me from fucking Adam,
430
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,276
I think you should cut down on carbs.
431
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:15,273
Lads, let's get this
crime stats cock-up sorted.
432
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:17,112
What have you both got so far?
433
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,156
Well, actually,
now we've been trying to think of
434
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:20,639
a replacement for Andy Murray.
435
00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:23,314
- (CLEARS THROAT) Yeah.

- Some of the women footballers.

436
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,755
Uh, Jessica Clark or Sue Smith.
437
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:27,558
- We don't think that would happen.
- Or Faye White.
438
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:33,988
I cannot believe the energy going
into Andy Murray!
439
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,833
(LAUGHING) I can't.
440
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,878
What's his problem?
441
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:44,637
Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain
about this, right?
442
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:48,599
I did say I was
at the heart of government. But when...
443
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:50,272
- Malcolm.
- Excuse me.
444
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:52,794
- I need to talk to you.
- One second please.
445
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:54,108
Listen, when that...
446
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,269
(PHONE STOPS RINGING)
447
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:57,590
When that incident occurred
I was on holiday.
448
00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:58,829
Are you saying to me

449
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,275
that my wee caravan's
a great fucking waste of time?
450
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:03,078
And my stupid fucking
wing mirror extensions?
451
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:07,073
The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc.
It's a double fault.
452
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:10,391
Listen, if you are not a prostitute
or a pizza guy, fuck off!
453
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,153
Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck
whatever's at the door
454
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,800
on your fucking way out, please?
No, thanks.
455
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:17,711
How can I be held responsible?
456
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:21,395
What? For what? I've created
a what around the government?
457
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,079
I've created a vibe?
458
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,958
Listen, son, the only fucking vibe
you have to worry about
459
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,031
is the one that your wife hides
in her knicker drawer.
460
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:30,198
I am on top of this, okay?
461
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:32,396

Oh, fine, fine.

You know, I'm just saying
462
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:36,155
I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel
the need to keep your head down.
463
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:37,275
I don't need to keep my head down
464
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:40,318
because unlike yourself,
I don't give blowjobs to truckers.
465
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,197
- (KNOCKING)
- I said fuck off!
466
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:43,879
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
467
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,315
Oh, it's Lord Nicholson.
468
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,631
What an enormous pleasure this is.
469
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:53,918
Well, in fact, it's the Right Honourable
the Lord Nicholson of Arnage.
470
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,479
And the kissing of feet may commence.
471
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,154
You got all your stuff ready
for your official lording ceremony?
472
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,471
Have you got your mink thong
and your ermine colostomy bag?
473
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:04,028
No, I don't, no.
I have to hire that, unfortunately.
474
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,839

I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus,

but I would.
475
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,512
It would be great larks
but there we go.
476
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:09,715
- How about a coffee?
- Coffee?
477
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:12,075
- Well, if there's coffee going...
- There we are.
478
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,799
...I'd never say no
to a nice cup of coffee.
479
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,110
- Will you have a coffee...
- Do you not drink coffee any more?
480
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,634
Is it all port and swan's blood
these days?
481
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,756
Swan's blood. That does sound nice.
482
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,796
No, I'm just sort of passing through,
483
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:27,953
because obviously we need to start
booting up this crime stats enquiry.
484
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:32,431
But it's, in effect,
an investigation into the facts.
485
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:33,509
But I thought since
I was passing through...
486
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,192
Yeah. But you don't have to talk to me
about that, do you?

487
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:38,033
'Cause I was on my holidays then.
Did you get my postcard?
488
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:42,432
Well, I will speak to whomsoever
I need to speak to,
489
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,909
- holiday or no holiday.
- Where did you learn to speak like that?
490
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,151
Is there a special school that's just
you and Brian Sewell?
491
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,549
- I'm going to leave you to it, frankly.
- So soon?
492
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,153
And I'm going to make tracks as well,
Malcolm.
493
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:53,753
Okay, good to see you both.
494
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:59,832
The problem is that you are shifting
from the man people love to hate
495
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:02,354
to the man people just hate.
496
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,635
From Simon Cowell to Piers Morgan.
497
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,109
See you later.
Remember, my door's always open.
498
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,276
OLLY: I had no idea,
no idea that it was Malcolm
499
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:18,397

who drafted Fleming's resignation letter

in 2003.
500
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:22,029
I forgot your political memory only goes
back two issues of <i>The Economist.</i>
501
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,793
Hey, there's a reference to you here,
Cullen.
502
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:25,995
Where?
503
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:29,629
Alleged to have assaulted an
elderly aide at a party conference...
504
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:31,438
- Elderly aide?
- Elderly aide.
505
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,875
God, that makes me sound
like a fucking stairlift.
506
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,030
God, cheap flights are back.
507
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,315
Look, there's something here
from Continental.
508
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:39,389
"Go to New York..."
509
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,199
- Hey, Dora the Explorer.
- Still here, then, Malcolm?
510
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:45,158
Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come
on in. I want to have a word with you.
511
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:49,588
There you go.
How was Cabinet? Was it good?

512
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:51,033
Is Tom looking after you?
513
00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:53,634
You're all over the newspapers
like a pissing puppy, Malcolm.
514
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:57,872
Well, I think you'll find that's what
we masters of the dark arts call a blip.
515
00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,439
Tomorrow that will all be old news.
516
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:02,478
It'll be like the fucking War of
the Roses. Or AIDS. Remember AIDS?
517
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:05,870
Listen, Nicola, see that... Did Julius
mention to you about his enquiry?
518
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,518
- Yeah.
- The enquiry into the whole fucking
519
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:08,919
- crime stats cock-up?
- Yeah.
520
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,151
You know the phone call that came
through to me from your office?
521
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,470
- You know, about the whole idea?
- Yeah, yeah.
522
00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:16,551
It didn't happen, right?
523
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:18,433
You want me to cover your back?
524
00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:20,351
I want you to get
the old enquiry screen out

525
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,874
and slap it on, fucking factor 50,
why not?
526
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,313
Listen, I'll tell you what.
This is what I'll do.
527
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,631
I will get for you
some really good press attention
528
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,553
for your fucking Healthy Choices
nonsense. How about that?
529
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:33,108
I'll get you some big fucking
healthy headlines.
530
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,997
You're in no position
to give me anything.
531
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:39,312
You can't even get a fucking bagel
cleaned up off your door.
532
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:40,389
Do you mind?
533
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:43,472
What? Do you think
I can't get it up any more? Is that it?
534
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,551
You're looking
at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart.
535
00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:49,792
And not just plain Lazarus.
I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right?
536
00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:52,599
Yeah. So I'll tell Nicola to expect
your call on Healthy Choices

537
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:54,875
- sometime this afternoon.
...Choices would be absolutely great.
538
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,952
- Well done, Malcolm.
- He's very impressive, isn't he?
539
00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:01,715
In a way that Chairman Mao
was actually quite impressive.
540
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:03,631
Well, that's the thing about the evil,
isn't it?
541
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:05,472
Their amazing work ethic.
542
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:06,909
How are the hacks?
543
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:08,558
Ready to eat their own cocks.
544
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:11,916
(SNIGGERS) They're only journalists,
Steve, not fucking Rangers supporters.
545
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,228
I know they are.
546
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:16,278
Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to
google some jokes about Andy Murray.
547
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:18,271
- Shall I go first?
- Warm them up.
548
00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:19,588
Tell them Olivier is on his way
549
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,353
but in the meantime, here's an audience
with Peter fucking Bowles.

550
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:24,434
...Tuesday meeting. What do you think?
551
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,829
Oh, there he is! Screaming Lord Crutch.
552
00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:28,558
I like the flunkies, by the way.
That's a very nice touch.
553
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,232
It's a wee bit Graham Norton.
554
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,834
Don't needle me, Malcolm.
Not when people are under scrutiny.
555
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:34,273
- I'm under scrutiny?
- Yes.
556
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:36,828
I'm fucking Nosferatu.
That's really fucking scary.
557
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,275
I'm walking on. We're moving on.
I'm lan Botham.
558
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:41,476
I'm walking on for hospice care.
559
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,477
How's it going with
Lord Bonnie Longford?
560
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:49,949
I've not been in yet. I've just been
standing here for 20 minutes.
561
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:52,793
So, if this phone call does come up...
562
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:54,154
No! No, that's not...
563

00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:55,673

You're nothing if not persistent,
are you, Malcolm?
564
00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:57,113
- I wasn't... She was...
- Don't do that!
565
00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:58,474
- I made it quite clear...
- I was standing over there
566
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,279
and I thought, "Nicola's choking."
But she wasn't. She was laughing,
567
00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:04,079
retrospectively, at
your massive shiny head...
568
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:05,912
Oh, what happened?
Did you get heckled off?
569
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:07,956
What was the line?
"Taxi for Tom Selleck"?
570
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:11,555
Yeah. Could I have a quick word?
Just five minutes.
571
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:17,628
(SIGHS)
572
00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:19,918
So, Malcolm, mate.
573
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:22,471
What is it? What's...
574
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:26,311
What's the problem? You look like
you fucking coughed up your own twin.
575
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,118
(CLICKING TONGUE)

576
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:34,991
No, no, no, no.
577
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:36,069
I need to talk to Tom.
578
00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:39,357
No, Tom isn't immediately available
to you.
579
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:40,475
Fuck off.
580
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:44,633
Malcolm, the Prime Minister
respects you enormously.
581
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:46,358
Sam, get ahold of Pat, right...
582
00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:51,515
Actually, I'm going to need that.
That's an official Blackberry.
583
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:53,158
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
584
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:55,754
- Fuck off!
- Right. Your five minutes starts now.
585
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:58,752
- MALCOLM: Fuck off.
- This is an acutely
586
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:00,273
private moment, Julius.
587
00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:05,229
Would it seem terribly rude if I asked
you to shit off for five minutes?
588
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:06,435
Yes, it would.
589
00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:07,794

- MALCOLM: Can you fuck off as well?

- Julius, what...
590
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:10,075
Sorry. Excuse me?
Julius, what is the deal...
591
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:14,153
At the moment,
Malcolm is getting the sack.
592
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:20,874
Shit. Now? Literally?
I mean, I'm actually in the sacking?
593
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,599
Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking
Prime Minister has to say about that!
594
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:24,999
Huh? Let's see what he has to say.
595
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:27,878
Listen to me a minute!
The Prime Minister
596
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:33,474
supports you fully in whatever
you decide to do next.
597
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:36,836
You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them.
598
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:40,151
Fucking tell them that
there was no fucking phone call.
599
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:43,789
Speak! I fucking ask you, speak!
Open sesame.
600
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:45,798
I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not...
601
00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:47,029
- You are fucking here!
- I'm not seeing this.

602
00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:48,553
Open your fucking mouth for once
and say something!
603
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:49,868
I'm not getting involved.
604
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,918
You fucking speak! You've always
fucking got something to say.
605
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:54,991
- I'm only a cabinet minister!
- Fuck off, then.
606
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:58,038
- Malc. Malc. Come on, Malc.
- Don't fucking touch me!
607
00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:01,112
You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me!
608
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:03,873
I am unfuckable!
I have never been fucked!
609
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,918
And if you fucking try and fuck me,
you'll find my fucking arse
610
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:08,718
will fucking grow fucking fangs.
611
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:09,869
STEVE: All right.
Now, come and listen to me.
612
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,313
I'll fucking snap your fucking cock off.
613
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:13,550
Will you listen to me?
Malcolm Tucker, will you listen to me?
614
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:14,868
Go right ahead. Yeah. Let's hear it.
Let's hear it.

615
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:16,552
Listen to me for one second.
616
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:17,629
Go right ahead.
617
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:21,395
I wouldn't tell you
what I've just told you
618
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:25,473
before I'd told the press pack, would I?
619
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:28,393
That would be very, very unprofessional.
620
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:32,359
So, there's no point in getting angry
because the show's over.
621
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:35,113
It's curtains. No curtain call.
622
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:38,712
Everyone loved the show
623
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:44,909
but it just wasn't buttering
any parsnips any more, brother.
624
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:48,670
Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls,
apart from that great inflated
625
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:51,479
fucking ball on the fucking end
of your fucking neck.
626
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:55,391
Ooh, look. Oh.
627
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:01,039
STEVE: (SOFTLY) Malcolm Tucker resigns.
628
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:04,795

- Looks pretty factual to me.

- Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all.
629
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:06,074
- Just fuck off.
- No, no. That's all right.
630
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,310
Kate! Kate, yeah.
631
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:11,474
- (WHISPERING) It's Andy Murray's agent.
- Ah. Get her to piss off.
632
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:16,509
- Hi. Uh, no. Absolutely not.
- Malcolm's gone.
633
00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:19,114
I'll call you back. What did you say?
634
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:22,636
Malcolm Tucker has resigned.
Malcolm's resigned. He's resigned.
635
00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:24,039
TERRl: What?
OLLY: Take the telly. Take...
636
00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:25,951
GLENN: Tucker's gone.
TERRl: He's resigned?
637
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:28,315
(ALL LAUGHING)
638
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,038
Happy days! Now, we don't have to...
639
00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:31,519
I just want to hug someone. Please?
640
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:34,433
Is this good?
I mean, it feels good but...
641
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:35,748

OLLY: Yeah.
GLENN: Are you sure it's good?
642
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:37,671
Not because
I don't want to hug you, Terri.
643
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:39,079
We're not fucking finished!
644
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:41,515
You are finished, though.
That is what I've been trying to...
645
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:43,875
Out of the way!
What are you doing to her?
646
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,394
Don't worry. Just...
Leave her fucking alone.
647
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:47,835
Don't worry. It's all right,
it's all right.
648
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:49,069
TERRl: Yeah, listen. Wine.
649
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:51,116
TERRl: I've got some wine.
OLLY: Get the wine. Get the wine.
650
00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:53,589
I've got some wine from the
Tackling Drugs Changes Lives launch.
651
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:56,353
Where is it?
Need a bit of help with the...
652
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:57,668
- What is it?
- It's just, this is a bit...
653
00:27:57,760 --> 00:27:59,079
- The...
- TERRl: Oh, Nicola! Hi!

654
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:00,388
- OLLY: Malcolm's gone.
- I know.
655
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:02,596
- Would you like a glass of wine?
- No, I'm good, thanks.
656
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,113
OLLY: It's fantastic!
NICOLA: I know, yeah.
657
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:06,111
I've sorted everything out
with Andy's agent.
658
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:07,918
- That's... Well, I mean, more or less.
- Good stuff.
659
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,115
TERRl: I can't get it out.
660
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:11,430
- This is no way to celebrate.
- TERRl: Shall I run it under a hot tap?
661
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:13,112
- I'll go run it under a hot tap.
- Don't run it under a hot tap,
662
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:14,474
- it's white wine.
- TERRl: A cold tap, then.
663
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:15,959
What good's running it
under a cold tap gonna do?
664
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:17,075
That's only going to make it worse.
665
00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:19,116
Don't do that! That looks awful.
666
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:22,829

Get back to fucking <i>Wind in the Willows,</i>

'cause that's where you fucking belong.
667
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:25,229
I didn't ask you to...
I didn't ask you to come back in.
668
00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:26,594
- I'm not fucking...
- Would you leave my office, please?
669
00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:28,432
I'm not fucking gonna waste
my breath on you. As for you...
670
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,715
Malcolm, I am sick to death...
You can explain...
671
00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:31,835
(MALCOLM YELLING)
672
00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:33,638
- Don't touch me, Malcolm!
- I'll fucking touch you if I like.
673
00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:37,349
Because I'll tell you this, man,
you shafted me, boy.
674
00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:39,510
- I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm.
- Don't you fucking touch me.
675
00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:40,874
- I warn you!
- Don't touch that scarf!
676
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:42,313
That's Paul Smith.
677
00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:45,756
Twat. Move!
678
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:48,274
You will see me again!
679

00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:53,035

You will fucking see me again!
680
00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:57,317
(REPORTERS CLAMOURING)
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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