Ebola Defense League

By
Ezra Parter

Fear not, America! The Ebola Defense League is on the case!

EXT. THE HOSPITAL

A white nine-passenger van speeds up to the hospital
entrance as a man, SEAN HANNITTY, points a megaphone out the
window. BILL OREILLY is driving, while GERALDO RIVERA
(shirtless), MEGYN KELLY, and ANGELA TANTAROS are in the
back with INFECTED PERSON
SEAN
BEEEOOOO BEEEOOOO BEEEEOOO BEEOO
The van slams on the brakes at the front door.
BILL
Ok Ebola Defense League, mobilize!
We have arrived, move, move, move
SEAN explodes from the passenger seat to open the back door.
He then helps the others carry INFECTED PERSON out of the
van into the hospital on a makeshift stretcher
MEGYN
Hes fading fast, longer strides
everyone
They try to do so
INFECTED PERSON
No, Im really fine this is all
some sort of misunderstanding
ANDREA
You dont understand sir, you have
ebola
INFECTED PERSON
What? I thought you said Id won a
free vacation
GERALDO
You have. A vacation from deaths
door
DUN DUN DUN
SEAN
Were going to get you help, sir!
MEGYN
Trust us, were the Ebola Defense
League
All strike a pose briefly, then continue through the front
door.

2.

INT. HOSPITAL
They approach the front desk, where SHONDRA waits
SEAN
Got another one for you, Shondra,
MEGYN
Dont let ebola get you down, were
on the case!
SHONDRA
OH hell no, I told you this morning
no more of this nonsene youANDREA
Silence, wench. You dont
understand the peril we face!
GERALDO
We risk our own health to protect
the community.
MEGYN
Were heroes!
SEAN
And you will respect the word of a
hero.
SHONDRA
Youre psychopaths, thats all you
are. Get this man out of here.
INFECTED PERSON jumps down from the stretcher and runs off
INFECTED PERSON
AaaaAAAAaaaaahhhh
SEAN
Shondra! Youre letting him get
away!
MEGYN
The disease will spread!
GERALDO
You must help him
ANDREA
SHONDRAAAAA!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.
SHONDRA
Get the fuck out of my waiting
room!

EXT. THE HOSPITAL-MOMENTS LATER

The group returns to the van and reassembles in their
previous positions.
BILL
Well? Is he safe?
SEAN
Shondra let him get away
BILL
Curses! Back on the hunt.
The van leaves the hospital and drives around
INT. EDL VAN-CONTINUOUS
MEGYN
Look! Over there!
FLASH to a woman pushing a stroller
SEAN Scans out the window with what appears to be a baseball
pitching coachs mph radar gun
SEAN
No traces.
ANDREA
Got one!
FLASH to a man peeling a banana. SEAN scans him too.
SEAN
CLEAN!
BILL
Ebola must be here somewhere
GERALDO
Dont worry boss, it wont evade
the Ebola Defense League for long!
MEGYN
Across the street! 10 oclock
ALL look left
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.
MEGYN
No, 10 PM!

ALL look right

FLASH to a man visibly vomiting and clearly sick
SEAN
Avert your eyes! Thats disgusting
GERALDO
I nearly vomited myself from seeing
that man vomit.
BILL
Not in the van Geraldo! Weve been
over this!
ANDREA
THERE!
FLASH to an elderly couple holding hands on a bench. SEAN
scans them both.
SEAN
Hes clear, but she- shes
positive. Formation everyone!
BILL
3, 2, 1
EXT. CITY STREET
The van u turns in the middle of the road, coming to a stop
in front of the visibly scared couple. The Ebola Defense
League pours out of it, grabs the elderly woman while
shoving her husband to the ground inadvertently, throws her
on the stretcher, and speeds away
INT. EDL VAN-CONTINUOUS
BILL
Excellent work team, we get faster
every time.
ANDREA
Ebola wont outrace us for long!
ELDERLY WOMAN
Ebola?! ah,
She faints
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

MEGYN
Were losing her! To the hospital
STAT!
SEAN points his megaphone out the window
SEAN
BEEEOOOO BEEEOOOO BEEEEOOO BEEOO
INT. HOSPITAL
The Ebola Defense League carries ELDERLY WOMAN into the
hospital, dropping her stretcher to the ground before
SHONDRA
SEAN
This ones already passed out
Shondra, get her to the ebola ward
SHONDRA
OH you have got to be kidding me.
Thats not even one of the symptomGERALDO
No time for talk maam, Ebola
spreads when the victims are asleep
MEGYN
Through their dreams!
ANDREA
(to the waiting room)
EVERYONE, stay awake. Do not dream
or you will DIE from EBOLA.
SHONDRA
No, none of that is true! Nurse,
this woman has fainted, please take
care of her.
A nurse approaches ELDERLY WOMAN
SEAN
Be careful not to daydream while
you touch her, nurse. We dont know
if Ebola has learned the difference
between night and day dreaming yet.
NURSE
She... shes dead.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

6.

SHONDRA
Oh now youve gone and done it, you
literally scared her to death.
MEGYN
Ah! Ebola claims another victim.
BILL drops to his knees
BILL
It is in times of great sorrow one
learns his true colors.
He rises
BILL(CONTD)
We will stop you Ebola! For we are
ALL
The Ebola Defense League, hooah.
ALL strike a pose
END